#I'm also happy that I don't believe I've ever written the same thing twice here

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

thank you guys so much for all the support last night. today was a much better day, and all the kind words and virtual hugs helped a lot!

I'm also supposed to be getting some sugar free treats and shower steamers in a package tomorrow so I'm looking forward to a nice self care night after work haha

bout to try a new scent/flavor pod on my water bottle, to stay hydrated while I pump some more things into the queue! once I get down below 100 requests, my brain gives me permission to recopy my list down... requests are currently at 118, so, we're getting there!

I can't WAIT to reopen the askbox and get some new things... uwaaaah <3 <3 <3

[elfieafterdark]

I'm trying a thing, we getting a happy ending and here's why.

Preamble

Okay, @locked-in-the-tomb has me thinking about this. So let me outline why as a writer, I believe we're getting a griddlehark ending.

Firstly, credentials. I have written over a million words, 70+ works worth of fan fiction over the last 2 and 1/2 to 3 years. Including some that got pretty popular. However I will admit that I am not classically trained, I have a computer science degree not an English degree so bear with my horrible layman way of describing these things.

Lastly, I could just be full of shit. This could just be a whole bunch of cope. Because by the tomb I am coping so hard for a satisfying ending.

Beginning

So let's talk about the ending of the locked tomb. And also the beginning. I find my best received works are the ones that don't trick people.

An example would be my fanfiction called There's No One Like You, it's the most popular one I've ever done, it is novel length, it's a combination of a high school drama with a mystery thriller.

And I very clearly telegraph what the mystery is in the very first chapter. I won't spoil it too much just in case someone wants to read it, but in the first chapter is a very clear hint of where the story is going.

It's classic setup, you set something up, you telegraphed that it has been set up, you let it hang there for a bit, and then you pay it off. That's how you create a satisfying element to a story.

Now I'm going to argue that the entirety of Gideon the Ninth is setup. The entire book is, at its core, about Gideon and Harrow coming to terms with how they really feel about each other. What is my proof for such a bold claim?

Well let me ask you a question, what did we all think when we realized that Harrow spent all the previous night burying bones just so Gideon couldn't escape? We all thought the same thing, who the fuck would do that? And, why the fuck would you do that? And then we all got it, ahh, these two are enemies to lovers. Gotcha.

And let me ask you another question about Gideon the Ninth. What is the one scene that sticks out to you the most? When you think of the book what's one of the first scenes that comes to mind?

The Pool Scene.

The pool scene is arguably the most important scene in the entirety of the book. It's the scene in which we get answers to most of this book's mysteries. Why did 200 children die in the 9th? Why didn't Gideon die? Why was Harrow so vicious to Gideon?

All of these questions are answered, The 200 children were murdered to create Harrow, Gideon didn't die because the nerve gas had no effect on her, Harrow was so vicious to Gideon because Gideon was a reminder of what Harrow is.

Notice how most of those mysteries have to do with Harrow and Gideon. Because whatever themes you can extract from the story,

I would argue that Gideon the Ninth is about their relationship. They both need to come to terms with the shitty lives they've had, and they need to come to terms with the fact that those shitty lives aren't their fault.

Gideon forgives Harrow, and all but explicitly declares her love for her. In that pool, and Harrow is so happy. It's the emotional crux of the story (heh)

And it's setup for the series

If you haven't noticed, this series is about two people. Everyone else is incidental to that story. The series is about Gideon and Harrow. It's about their relationship.

Gtn is about them actually coming to a mutual understanding and respect. The very instant the other is in danger all of the pretense is dropped and that goes both ways.

Htn is all about everybody and everything telling Harrow that she should give up and move on, and her resoundingly telling everyone to fuck off. It's about the sacrifice she made to save Gideon's soul.

Now I've only seen Harrow mentioned twice in Nona so far, and both of those times are her hanging out with who I suspect to be God? I don't know I don't want to analyze that too far. We haven't seen Gideon at all so I'm not going to talk too much about Nona.

But the pool scene very clearly sets up the endgame, and that end game is cemented by the letter Harrow writes to Gideon, knowing that Gideon survives being consumed.

One Flesh, One End. Aka, I love you. I've talked about how this phrase is really a declaration of endlessly devoted love before, but they come to terms with their relationship, they sleep in adjacent beds which is as close to sleeping in the same bed as you can literally get without doing it, and they fight like hell to save the other.

Subverting Expectations: the Devil's Writing Trick

It's a pretty compelling setup isn't it? Fate has cruelly ripped them apart, and neither of them is willing to accept that, to the point that Gideon willingly became a part of Harrow; not to mention the point that Harrow is willing to lobotomize herself to preserve Gideon's soul.

That's a big setup, with Gideon's death, we understand the emotional conflict for the rest of the series. A conflict that is only confirmed by literally every single page of Harrow the Ninth.

How are they gonna fix this and be together? Remove all the awesome world building, remove all the excellent supporting characters, remove all of the religious theming, carve away all of the gay shit; and I earnestly believe that's what you have left.

How are they going to fix this? How are they going to be together? These are the questions that keep us all coming back. These are the questions that have us chomping at the bit for Alecto.

Now imagine after all that setup, after all that telegraphing, imagine that the answer to this question was

"they don't fuck you."

Let me ask you all something? Is that a satisfying ending? Is pouring all of this effort into these characters who in turn pour all their efforts into saving each other worth it at all if they don't succeed in the end?

Now some people might say that there's a beauty in tragic endings. And there is. I just think most of the time they're cheap.

I think I speak for many people when I say we want a story where characters go through all sorts of Hell, get beat the fuck up, struggle mightily against impossible odds, and maybe they lose some stuff along the way; but then they triumph.

The setup in Gideon the Ninth, that is continued through Harrow and I suspect we'll also be present in Nona is that they're going to fight everything in order to be together.

And based on how Harrow blatantly refuses to look back at the end of Harrow? The obvious trajectory of those decisions and these character moments is that they're going to succeed.

They've come this far, they've defied death itself. I just can't see the books ending any other way. Any other ending is going to feel like muir is spitting in our faces.

You paid attention to all that foreshadowing? Go fuck yourself on an iron fence.

Like do you all see what I'm trying to say here? The setup is that they get together, and there better be a goddamn payoff otherwise I'm going to riot.

Anyway, I would apologize for the length of this but I had a lot of fun writing it. And that's all that really matters in the end.

Thanks y'all, more to come soon 💖

[kimium]

I was tagged by @m34gs in this post HERE. It's a fic writer ask game! I'm so excited to answer this. Let's start!

Tag Game:

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers:

How many works do you have on AO3? I have 256 fics currently posted on AO3.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? My total word count is 2,547,554 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I write mostly for: SDR2/Danganronpa, Fire Emblem Awakening/Fates, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, and Twisted Wonderland. I have some other fandoms (Akudama Drive, Fire Force, D Grayman, Bungou Stray Dogs, and Magi sprinkled in) but they're minor.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? My top five fics (all SDR2) by kudos are: How Did You Get In Here?, Waking Up in Pieces, Take it All, Your Kindness is a Lie, and Gradients of Colour

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes, I respond to comments. I believe if someone took the time to write me a comment the polite thing to do is reply back. Also, I think it builds a fun community on my fics where some people comment regularly on my fics.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I think majority of my KHR fics have angsty endings simply because Shouichi is trapped with Byakuran no matter what. Not sure which is the most angsty, so it's up to you.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Honestly, I'm not sure. I usually end my fics on a happy note. I suppose the fic ending that has made ME the happiest is The taste of melon and the weight of a plushie fox.

8. Do you get hate on fic? I've had hate on my fics, yes. One of those fics I had the same person pester me twice. It caused me to feel anxious whenever I saw my email notification on my phone. I deleted the fic. You'll never, ever see the fic again.

9. Do you write smut? Yes, I do. It's all private though. I'm not posting it because the idea of posting makes me uncomfortable.

10. Do you write crossovers? I've written several crossovers with some unhinged choices. I have a Danganronpa/Assassination Classroom series, a Danganronpa/Kingdom Hearts fic, a Danganronpa/Bungou Stray Dogs fics: Night Sky and the sequel Unanswered Questions. There are some collaborated crossovers with the Glorious Bar AU (with M34GS) and our Twisted Wonderland/sort of Saw Franchise AU.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of. I've locked down my fics due to AI scraping though. Just to be safe.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, I've had multiple fics translated!

For SDR2: How Do You Get In Here? (Vietnamese), Your Kindness is a Lie (Spanish), The Birthdays (Spanish), Just a Moment (Vietnamese), 1000 Kisses (Spanish), and The taste of melon and weight of a plushie fox (Spanish).

For Akudama Drive: Exhilaration (And the Bottling of It) (I believe Mandarin)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have co-written several fics! First, I've co-written with @someobscurereference! For Fire Emblem Fates we have: Love Finds A Way and our Fates Mafia AU. And, as mentioned already, I'm a co-writer to the Glorious Bar AU and to our Twisted Wonderland Sort of Saw Franchise AU with M34GS.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship? Writing wise? Komahina (SDR2). Reading and in general? Satosugu (JJK).

15. What's a wip you want to finish but probably won't? I have three attempts at a FE Fates Kiznaiver AU that will NEVER be completed and I am sad.

16. What are your writing strengths? Writing scenery. I adore writing scenery and find it easy and fun. I also think I describe food well? M34GS has told me some food I've described in fics sounds like I've eaten it and I haven't.

17. What is your writing weakness? Sometimes I find writing what characters are doing between moments in the scene challenging.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? In general I don't like doing it because of my comfort level with other languages. I'm fine with Japanese (speak a comfortable level) but characters like Rook from Twisted Wonderland are a challenge.

19. First fandom you wrote for? First fandom I ever wrote for was either Inu Yasha or Shaman King. First fandom I ever POSTED is a tie between DMMD and SDR2.

20. Favourite fic you've written? I can't say. I like all my fics for varying reasons and I dislike picking a "favourite". Sorry! But everyone else can tell me their favourites! I'm always so curious which one of my fics draws people in.

There you have it! My answers! I tag: @someobscurereference, @shreedle, and @a-little-harmed-shinra.

[btsxmalereaders]

♡ Meant To Be

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x male reader

Fluff ♡ | Requested

Word Count: 2,8k

Masterlist

Don't forget to vote on whosfan and stream

"Aren't you even a little curious about it?"

You've heard this question thousands of times already; yet, the answer for it has never changed.

"No, not really." You shrug while your friend stares at you in disbelief. "Why do you ask knowing my answer?"

"I just had the hope that you changed your mind," Jeonghan says. "You know, out of everyone in our group of friends, you're the only one who hasn't found their soulmate."

You take one last sip of your tea and sigh, "And you're telling me this to make me feel bad?"

"No! It's just... I thought that would make you feel at least curious of the person whose name is written on your wrist ever since forever."

Your eyes immediately go to your wrist, and your other hand covers the name with your sleeve.

"And I still don't get your habit of covering it, as if you don't want us to know." He laughs. "Are you trying to ignore it and expect to find them like people picture it on dramas?"

Inevitably, you roll your eyes, "I don't know what to tell you. I just think that if we're really meant to meet, then it's gonna happen... someday. I'm in no rush."

Jeonghan nods in understanding, "I guess you're right."

"I am always right." You chuckle. "Now keep telling me about Injae, how is it going with her?"

That's exactly the way you would always dissociated yourself from the topic every time you were asked about it. It wasn't something you really cared about, unlike to your friends. You were happy with the way things are right now.

"... we are taking things slow, and it's all going great. I am really happy about it." He puts on a goofy smile and his ears and cheeks quickly covers in a tinted pink.

"Aw, my little Jeonghan is in love, who would've thought?"

"Shut up, who said anything about love?" He tries to act cool, but he's still smiling and feeling nervous.

"Please," You scoff. "That smile tells me you're head over heels about her. And the way your eyes shine whenever you talk about her? Seems like love to me."

"Ha, ha, ha, you really like to make fun of me, don't you?" He sarcastically blurts. "I am dying to see how you're gonna be once you meet your soulmate. "

"Mmh, we'll see about that..."

Just when you're about to continue reading your textbook, your phone buzzes over the table. You already got distracted by talking to Jeonghan when you both were supposed to be studying for the upcoming exams, but you decide to read the messages you received.

"What's better, keep studying or going out to grab lunch with Sihwan?" You throw the question in the air, to which your friend hums.

"Your friend that works at JYP entertainment?" You nod. "I mean, anything is better than studying for socials, so if I were you, I would go."

"You say that because you want to bump into an idol, don't you?"

"If you meet Twice, could you ask them to  autograph something for me?" He says with a pout, making you laugh.

"I am not that lucky." You say and quickly start gathering your belongings to put them on your backpack. "You're meeting Injae later, right? I'll catch you up at the dorm?"

"Sure, I'll see you later."

With that being said, you start walking to the building. Even when your friend has invited you a couple of times already, you couldn't help but feel nervous. That weird feeling in your stomach and the tingling in your skin, like chills. Trying to ignore it, you pass by a nearby restaurant and order Sihwan's favorite food, carrying the bags carefully until you reach the entrance of the building.

After a few messages letting him know you're already there and a few more minutes of waiting, your friend greets you with a smile and a pat on your back, helping you with the bags in your hands and guiding you to the elevator. Unusual, but you don't say anything about it.

"I have more work than usual today, I hope you don't mind eating in my studio."

"You won't get in trouble?" You ask, feeling concerned,  but he only denies with his head as he presses a button.

"Don't worry, it's fine."

You silently follow him, trying to not look at anyone in the eyes when you walk through the hall, all the way to the studio. Anyway, no one seems to be aware that you are a regular college student. Lots of people work in there and it's hard to keep track of everyone in there.

"Come in, seriously, it's okay." He chuckles by seeing how you look around and slowly walk inside. "I've been working on the melody and guide for a new group these past hours."

The door is closed and Sihwan sits on the office chair and signals the sofa behind it for you to do the same.

"You brought food from that new restaurant down the street? Sweet." He says and opens the bag, placing the food containers on the wooden table between you two. "I've been starving."

"Working for a new group, you said?" You ask with interest, grabbing what you ordered for yourself and start eating as well.

Sihwan nods, "A girl group, they've been working hard and will debut soon, I hope you can listen to them."

"I am kinda old school, but for you I can do it, I guess..."

You two continue having a conversation about music and how you've been doing at college while sharing food. The last time you met with him was a couple of months ago, so the conversation keeps going for a while until he decides it's time to go back to work.

"Well, in that case I'll leave you. I've got to go back to study too." You say as you stand up and clean the desk.

"Mmh, okay. Thanks for this, how about we go have dinner next week? It's gonna be on me."

"Sounds great to me. Text me the details later?"

"Sure thing." He promises and smiles. "You know how to get back, right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. See you!"

As soon as you step out of the studio, you look around to make sure no one is walking in the hall, so you almost run to the elevator, not expecting that someone would bump into you as they exit one of the offices.

You fall to the ground and start apologizing immediately, feeling embarrassed.

"I am so sorry, I didn't see you." You hear them saying.

"No, I am sorry, I shouldn't have ran here." You say, and as you try to stand up, they're extending their hand to you to help you up.

You take the help and do a reverence as a thank you and clean the invisible dust on your clothing, and as you're about to walk to the elevator, their voice stops you.

"Y/N L/N?"

You stop on your tracks and finally have the courage to stare at them in the eye and realize that it's a guy, and a very handsome one, you must add. Your legs tremble at the sight, clearly stunned by seeing someone so good-looking. Your immediate thought is that he's an idol or trainee.

"Uh, do we know each ot-?"

Your question is interrupted as he shows you his wrist, and that's when you see it clearly. Your name tattoed on his skin.

"I am Hwang Hyunjin... your soulmate."

You're at the loss of words. The only thing you can do is get lost in his eyes staring back at you, looking for whatever to say, but the situation feels unreal. It's like your body is frozen.

"Hey, Hyunjin, is everything okay out there?" A third voice coming from the office brings you back down to earth.

"I am sorry, I gotta go." You quickly say the second he is distracted, running as fast as your legs allow it and get in the elevator, pressing the bottons and seeing him run in the hall one last time before the doors finally close.

You exit the building and walk to the bus stop, looking back from time to time only to realise that Hyunjin has not followed you. With your heart beating like crazy and your hands shaking you get to text Jeonghan to let him know you were on your way back to the apartment and that you had big news. He was definitely not going to believe it.

"Ow! What was that for?" You groan as Jeonghan grabbed a pillow and threw it to you.

"You just ran away?!"

"I panicked, okay? You can't put the blame on me for that!"

"With all due respect, you're an idiot." He sighs. "You met your soulmate and just ran, oh god... What are you going to do?"

"Uhh... nothing?"

Jeonghan grabs the pillow again just to throw it at you, but your hands stop him.

"Okay, okay, I'll do something about it. I'll go see him again!"

"That's a big lie, you say that as if I don't know you." He rolls his eyes.

"Yes, I am a coward. I don't know what should I do, help me." You say with a pout.

"Your friend? He may know him, don't you think?" He states as if it's so obvious.

"Ooh, you're right! I am going to have dinner with him next week, I can ask him..."

"See? It's like the universe is conspiring for you to meet again... Properly meet, I mean."

You stop listening to him as he starts complaining and making fun of the way you reacted earlier.  Your mind is now finding a good way to reach out to him.

"...And I could finally finish that song." Sihwan says with a grin and takes a sip of his beverage. "I was practically isolated and had no proper human contact for a while, so thanks to our talk and delicious food I could finish in no time after that."

You giggle, "Really? Then I am happy I could be helpful, don't forget to add me on the credits."

He laughs at the joke and continues talking, "You didn't get caught on your way out, right?"

"Well... about that."

"Wait, are you serious? Did you get in trouble?" He asks, concerned.

"No, no! It's just that... Do- do you know Hwang Hyunjin?"

It's now or never.

Sihwan seems to think about it for a second, feeling confused. "Yeah, I mean, our team is not working with them, but I've talked to him and his group a couple of times. Why? You ran into him?"

"Yeah, but also..." You lift the sleeve of your shirt, letting him see the name written on your skin.

"No way! Really?" He says with a big smile. "Hell, congratulations! How- wait, why don't you look happy about it?"

"Because I panicked and ran away before I could say something to him." You say and hide your face behind your hands out of frustration. "I need your help, hyung."

"Okay," He chuckles. "Of course, what can I do to help?"

You sigh and take out a folded paper from the pocket of your ripped jeans, looking at it for a second before handling it to your friend. "Could you give this to him?"

Sihwan takes it and nods. "Of course, I'll give it to him as soon as I can."

Now all you have to do is wait.

You plop down in the sofa and stare at the screen of your phone for the millionth time today, feeling hopeless at this point. It has been one week since you asked Sihwan to give that letter to Hyunjin, and ever since, you couldn't help but wait for a message from him, or even a call, despite you don't knowing what would you even say.

"Hmm, you haven't heard anything from him?" Jeonghan asks and sits next to you. You deny with your head and sigh. "Maybe he's busy. I heard his group is going to do a comeback soon."

"A what, now?" You ask, and your friends looks as you in disbelief.

"Don't tell me you haven't looked up for him on internet. I mean, he was in JYPE for a reason."

"Uhh..."

"Oh my god, I swear you are..." He doesn't finish his premise. Instead, he takes the phone from your hands and looks up for his name on the web. "Stray Kids, you didn't look up for him? I can't believe this, are you even on social media?"

"Shut up, let me see this."

You quickly read their information, going directly to the names and pictures of the members, quickly finding Hyunjin and realizing your friend is right. How come you didn't think of it?

"Oh yeah, here says they're releasing an album in a few days..."

"Told you." He murmurs. "Are you still going to wait for him to text you?"

"Do I have another option? I don't think I can go around the building just looking for him, even if I am with Sihwan."

"Hmm, you're right. I hope you can talk soon, though. Imagine this: you and Hyunjin together, we become friends and he gives me a tour in JYPE to meet Twice."

You roll your eyes and stand up, "You're being delusional. I'll go to sleep now, goodnight!"

"That's rude!" He groans and sees you walk away. "I hope you panick and run away again next time you see him!"

The next morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is check your phone, and your heart almost stops when you see a new message from an unknown number.

You go clean your face and take a deep breath to gather the courage you needed to finally read the long-awaited message.

With trembling hands you unlock your phone and click on the notification.

It was no surprise to see how easy was to talk with him. You two started talking on regular basis, when he was free from his schedule and when you weren't studying, which happened really late at nights.

Soon, those thousands of messages became frequent phone calls and videocalls that lasted hours, and to say that you both trusted each other with your lives was an understatement. You were still getting used to the idea that your soulmate was an idol; and it was weird to see him constantly on the internet, as of course you started following every other fan account you found on social media. Hyunjin, on the other hand, was trying to be very supportive of your studies and kept sending you messages of encouragement as well as listening to your ramblings about your career and complaints about your professors.

"So you've caught feelings for him, right? It was about time, Y/N" Jeonghan says with a shrug. "I know some soulmates only work as friends and all that, but it was pretty obvious to me that you'd end up in a romantic relationship."

"Really?"

He nods and smiles. "Of course! Are you going to ask him out?"

"I was planning to, but what if he doesn't feel the same? What if he just sees me as the friend type?"

Jeonghan hums. "Well, I think it's gonna be okay. You're soulmates for a reason, don't you think?"

You hesitate to grab your phone and open the message bar, typing a question and hoping things will go well after pressing the send button.

"Hyun, is it okay if I ask you out?

Like, on a date?"

A few minutes later you receive an answer,  needless to say, you didn't expect him to reply now, so you feel as if your heart is about to make a hole on your chest right now.

Hyun ♡

God, I was really hoping I wasn't the only one feeling this way.

Of course it's okay

I would love to go out on a date with you, Y/N ♡

You now feel at ease, the butterflies flying in your stomach and your body feeling so light as if you were floating. Is that how being in love feels like?

"He said he'd love to go on a date with me." You announce with a smile.

"See? There you go, my plan of meeting Twice soon is going awesome." He says and you give him a deathly glare. "I am kidding! But I have to say, who's smiling and blushing like a dumb right now?"

"Jeonghan!" You groan and grab a pillow to throw it at him, but he's quicker to stand up and walk away, still laughing.

Hyun ♡

Now you're not being shy, eh?

You won't run away from me when we meet?

You're the worst, you text back.

Hyun ♡

I may be

But I am your soulmate, so pretty much you can't get rid of me

He was right, but you were not intending to do that.

Because, now more than ever, you were sure things were meant to be this way. Right next to him forever.

[askfallenroyalty]

I don't think you did anything wrong. When a story is being written, there are a lot of different ways to adress and express something and maybe that's why you're being misunderstood. I think there are just too many things to adress in this story that maybe some people will get when these things are implicitly implied and some people will not. So when a breaking point comes, they'd think it came out of nowhere. You can see this with the amount of asks you receive asking you often the same thing.

Does that mean it's wrong? Ofc not! I myself was a little bit confused with Frisk's reactions and conduct in general until you explained it in your recent asks, and I thought man, that was what I was missing!

Now, yes I believe some parts of the story could have been explained in a different way, because in my opinion there's a lot to read between the lines. If you don't try to understand the characters, you'll clearly be confused as hell. But that's why I love this story! As you said before, there's nothing meant to be black/white coded, and I really appreciate the world and the character's complexity in general. You don't have some of the answers in hand, an that's when you have to analize! (At least that's what I do haha)

I also really felt like telling you something I've been relating to, so I'm putting the respectives tw if someone doesn't want to keep reading (TW: Suicide mention).

In the DW Arc, when the Christmas and Feylow stuff happened, I realised through Chara that I was doing the exact same thing with a friend of mine. He was going through a lot of stuff, and tried to commit suicide multiple times. I was focusing a huge amount of energy on him because I was afraid to lose him, and when he suddenly stopped talking to me so he could take a break, I felt really lost. Because he was the person I talked with the most, one of my dearest friends, and the idea of losing him and not being there to stop it made me insanely anxious, because that used to be the situation most of the times. Now it's been a year since he's stopped talking to me, and I don't exactly know the reason. But I couldn't keep running behind someone who didn't seem to keep wanting me around. And if it wasn't for you, I couldn't have realized how much this was hurting me.

And now, as much as it hurts me to see him acting this distant and cold with me, I'm okay with it. I really am. Because I now have the tranquility to see him continue, even when things are not okay. I can't force a friendship and I really needed to understand that back then. I trust him as much as he trusts me.

I really wanted to thank you for writing this story because it has helped me in a way I didn't expect, and I'm sure it will help a lot of people too! I'm even learning from your way of taking and discussing things haha.

I just wanted you to have this tranquility I have with this story because I trust it'll work out and explain itself once it's finished. And I just can't express how thankful I am to be reading your story.

Thank you again,

I'm looking forward to more of your work and please, take care! Don't stop doing what you enjoy! 🦋

putting it under a readmore because of how long the ask/response is, sorry!

i’m at a loss of words because wow, this ask really hit in a way i’ve never really could of anticipated. when writing AFR, i write a story about things I felt. I’ve been Chara, I’ve been Asriel and Frisk at points in my life. I write because I need to tell their stories and make it real, specifically for my own sake of getting through my own pain and to tell the world this is who i am and that I will be ok, there is hope in this world. It’s a selfish desire for me, but ultimately that’s what art is i feel. I couldn’t draw this much and put so much time and effort into something without it being meaningful or personal.

but art is communication, and when I write to be seen and to be heard, I know there’s others who are reading and are connecting with the work. (otherwise, I wouldn’t be getting asks right? its a lonely process, i forget there’s the second half of the equation -you guys) and i’ll do my best to make sure people are accommodated and can experience this story without hurting in a way that’s past enjoying a emotionally gripping piece of media. i don’t want people to be upset or hurt for my work, and I want to ensure I can make this without hurting others.

I try to leave a lot of ambiguity and room for people to interpret stories and I don’t mind people missing the point or interpreting things vastly differently than what I intended. that’s fine, that’s what art is all about. i don’t want to hold people’s hands and tell them what’s happening or what they should feel -i want them to choose and decipher and think things over. stories should be stimulating and thought provoking, and i can’t decide what those thoughts are. I wouldn’t want to. Personally, if it means people become more confused and lost over the story -well, that’s a trade off I have to take. if it means the story is more up-to-interpretation, than it’s worth it to me.

i do regret with how fast and punchy the arc ended up, and I feel my hints may have been too weak. asriel/flowey has been bluntly surprised/asking to be killed twice, he hasn’t felt like himself since dying and has lost his support systems ect. as a person who’s Been Through Shit, I thought it was as obvious as the sun what was to come but thinking on it now?

with how distance asriel is, how limited the perspective is to chara (who hasn’t known Asriel has been going thru the same depressive/suicidal thoughts as they have this whole time) it was a shock to the system. and in a way that’s fine in my eyes if the reader was completely shocked as you can emphasize more with chara that way... but in the same sense its horrifying for them, it must be for the reader as well.

and I do feel I should of thought of a way to handle the scenario to where it was less in your-face with Asriel’s decent into desperation and attempts. I don’t want to ever show it on screen, I don’t want to ever go into detail and make it any sort of fun for the viewer. it’s supposed to be disturbing and painful and I tried to show how greatly painful it was affecting both chara and frisk. Suicide victims are victims and everyone involved suffer from it. It’s ugly and never something one should be anything but ugly.

that is my intent for it be that, but as I’ve heard from people it’s still a shock and went too far. Authorial intent doesn’t matter when people react to your stories. yes, the context can be good to have, but people’s feelings and reactions mean the world more. I hope with the added context of the complete story that helps it in the long run, but as it is I’m very unhappy with how I tackled it and I don’t really have a good answer to how I should of gone about it. but at the end of the day that doesn’t matter as it happened and I can’t change it.

i’m sorry about your friend and i’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced as well. it’s not easy being in that position (nor is it for ur friend as well of course) and it’s perfectly fine to feel hurt and to take time for yourself to address those feelings. You, as a person, matter and your feelings are justifiably important as well. nobody asks to be mentally ill and your friend’s choices aren’t fully theirs because of that, but it doesn’t change how it’s affected and hurt you. Losing someone’s friendship has always been a painful and inevitable experience people must go thru in life. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through that, but I’m glad -so happy that my story has helped you in any amount. I sincerely wish you both the best and to heal, I’m proud of you anon for getting through this.

I can’t really express how much it means as a writer to see how my work helped you. Like I mentioned before, I write and feel like it’s by myself that makes this work but it’s a 2 way street -you guys contribute to the story and the story only exists and is perceived by you. without an audience, it really truly is just me here. what you gain and experience within a story is just as important as the writing of the work itself and I often forget that.

Thank you. This was a really nice and eye opening ask and it’s going to be on my mind for a while, haha. I hope once the story is done and I can post-correct how I handle the story, people can learn and gain meaning to it like you have. Sorry if this was a bit rambly, I’m very thankful for your response (as well as everyone else who’s messaged!) and I’m very happy and excited to continue and to do my best. Thank you all so much.

[vanchlo]

The Partner / Chapter Fourteen, "The Ten"

Word Count: 5.9k words /  Story Masterlist /  Read The Assistant /  Read on Wattpad / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics

I wasn't sure what had brought me here. It had felt like yesterday since I'd shut this door last, even if weeks had passed since. I'd never been able to shut it on that day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to, not fully.

"Babe! Are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the meeting," a voice calls from down below. Gulping hard, my heart stays stuck in my throat at the sight before me. It hadn't been the only one this morning that was hard to swallow.

"Coming!" The upstairs guest bedroom door closes behind me. I can't help but look at it over my shoulder, still unsure of why I had come up here. "We're not going to be late, Harry! When was it that you started to become so anal about being early?"

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, he doesn't attempt to hide the way his eyes roll at my remark. They finally settle on me, registering my eyebrow raise I challenge him with.

"Since you take fricken forever to get ready in the mornings, and the boss needs to be early," he tuts, nodding his head towards the front door. I hadn't noticed before how he holds it open, but now, the spring sunshine is unmistakable. "Come on already. I put our stuff in the car while you were dilly dallying upstairs. What were you doing up there anyways? It took me a few times to get your attention."

We'd long ago passed the time of saying 'thank you's for holding doors open, but habit aside, I still say it. Pulling the seatbelt across my chest, I ruminate on his question as he messes with the radio beside me. I'd become a master at being able to tell when his eyes were on me, and right now was no exception, because when I glance over at him, he's doing just that. The words hesitated on my tongue because at times I still found it hard to talk to him about her. We shared her and the grief around her. There was nobody else in this world who could know how I felt about her besides him, but the struggle persisted.

Avoiding his eyes had been my go-to when I didn't want to answer him. I did it now but it didn't serve me well, because of what I find instead. It seemed that nearly every time my eyes came upon it, it was impossible to not trace the curves of ink. It had lived on the inside of my wrist for over two weeks now and I still hadn't gotten used to it. When I thought that way, I realize I was never one to get used to things. My mother's abuse. Harry's coldness towards me in the beginning, only to be changed into sporadic softness. Then we became friends and something more, and it was hard to wrap my head around. He got hurt and I almost lost him, and it was something I still couldn't believe. It was a recurring theme in my life, especially as of late.

The permanence on my skin is interrupted by the soft edges and lines of his hand. A relief is kissed onto my skin when his fingers lace with mine, his thumb paying attention to the capital letter P in his handwriting on my skin. I don't know what does it but suddenly, I'm looking at the melancholy lifting his lips.

"I don't know but I wanted to look at her things in the nur- guest bedroom. The sonograms and clothes . . to remember that she was real and ours when . . when today I feel like I need to pretend that she wasn't," the words tumble from my lips as my throat feels tight with remembering. "I miss her."

"I miss her too," Harry says with a softness saved for times like these, which seemed to be quite often lately. It speaks louder when his lips press a kiss to the top of my hand. "But we don't have to act as if she never happened, Becks."

"I want to though. Not to act like- I'm just not ready to talk about her with people at work yet. It's almost been two months and I feel like I should be ready by now."

Repeating in and out inside of my head didn't help to steady the breaths trying to swim into my lungs. What did succeed was letting myself live in the unending sage color of his eyes, wondering what the flecks of gold would feel like if I swam in them.

"That's okay too, honey. People know not to ask and I said not to. It's more so something that you bring up yourself if you want to," he murmurs, thumbing at the escapist tear that got through my guard. "Are you sure you don't want to stay home another day? I can work from home whenever I want, you know."

"I'm sure," he had barely put a period to his words and I was insisting. His nod was fast but I could read the hesitancy in it. I tried to push it out of my mind as the car began to move, my thumb occupied by the same traces of ink on the inside of his right wrist, a P in my handwriting.

It wasn't how I thought I'd be living my life today, carrying the memory of my daughter in my heart and on the inside of my wrist, instead of in my arms in a few months.

*

I had thought at once that it was a sight for sore eyes, but now I couldn't be more sure that it wasn't. Still, I wasn't certain how I felt about it now. Seeing it had brought forth a nostalgia I yearned for, wanting to go back to a time where we were so naive and unknowing of what the future held for us. It also dug up a pain that could be unfathomable, because I knew how different things were the last time I stood outside his office door, looking in. Our happiness had been unmatched and upon realizing that, I felt my throat grow dry.

He looked more handsome than ever with the short beard he'd come to keep, one that swims into view upon turning around. I'd been caught.

"Hi, bug," Harry says, a smile making the dimples dive into his cheeks. It was small but it brought a glow to his face that I'd missed. "Are you heading out?"

Nodding was all that I could do as I stepped foot in his office. Even if it wasn't the first time today it still stung. Everything I missed was what I thought of when I stood in here. It was the framed sonogram missing beside his desktop, the space behind the guest chairs where I'd showed him the pregnancy test, and on the couch where we spelled out potential names with Scrabble tiles. That was only the beginning of what stabbed at me like knives, even if things had gotten better. It had only been two weeks since we'd started to talk and I had come to feel so much better, almost like myself again. I wasn't sure if I'd admit it but he was right. I'd come back to work too soon and it had been too much. I couldn't decide when I would tell him that I had cried in the bathroom twice today because of it all. He'd wonder when that had happened since I had been at his side all day helping him start on his new case, but I'd thought about her all throughout. I hadn't known that coming back here would stir up so many thoughts about her. How could I?

"Becks?"

"Y-Yeah, soon," I belatedly answer, grateful for his bookshelf in front of me. I know that he knows the truth, but it could seem as if I was lost in reading his titles, instead of consumed by my thoughts. No, Harry was smarter than that. He knew that I had perused his bookshelf more times than fingers I had on one hand, more than one normal person would. "You're sure it's okay that I take the car?"

"Of course. I'll just catch a ride with Myles. We still have a few things to go over anyways. We're not sure if we're sold on that one guy for the new hire or not, so we have to figure out what to do."

I couldn't find it in me to make a comment. Today had taken so much more from me than I had anticipated. I knew that there would be awkward interactions and maybe the curious looks. I didn't know that the team meeting right off the bat would let everybody stare at me to their heart's content, and let me catch them in the act.

"How was today?" his voice comes, interrupting my thoughts. I had come to welcome it, knowing how it broke up my mental web of danger. He had to have known too. "Rate it."

A title catches my eye, replacing the Pain-O-Meter we'd come to adopt since it'd happened. Plucking the book off the shelf, I flip it open to find the familiar title page and a message written in black ink. I'd have a good shot at reciting it without needing it before me even as the words came to blur before my eyes.

"Pass," I mumbled, daring the tear at my nose to fall onto the paper. Brushing it away before it can, I let the words in front of me swim through my mind yet another time.

March 2024

Harry,

I couldn't count how many times I've heard you speak of this case and all that it's taught you, even inspiring you to become a lawyer, you once said. I guess maybe I should have kept it for myself seeing as how you know next to everything about it, but maybe you won't know some of this 'never before seen' stuff. I call dibs on being the first one to borrow it from you, seeing as how it's a new release. I hope that one day we can bring justice and right a wrong like seen in this landmark case. Book aside, I couldn't ever find the words to tell you how grateful I am for you and even though it hasn't been a month yet, how much I love you, Harry. If there's a God, I'll be thanking them forever for bringing me back to you and to your firm to work beside you, and to fall in love with you all over again. I can't wait to hear you talk so passionately about this case and all of the others you look up to when we have our nightly goodnight call. I'll try not to fall asleep the next time.

Love,

Your Becks xo

"Becks?" There had been a time when I'd hated that name and how he'd mistreated it. It wasn't long after that I'd missed it deeply and wished to hear it despite being scared to. "There's no passes."

"Since when? Why can't I just for one time not have to rate my pain, Harry," I almost retort, my chest heaving when I turn to face him. His face remains stoic, that is if you were anybody but the few people who could read his face right now. The shock is clear as day and brings my hands to my mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode on you."

"It's okay," he assures me, stepping forward. His hand on my wrist is ginger and reassuring. "What one have you got there? Ah, the good old Glensheen murder. One of my favorite cases."

There hadn't been many times anymore that I couldn't unravel the emotions hiding on his face. Except for now, he locked it up good as he thumbed at the page, nostalgia lifting his lips into his cheeks. It made the sting louder inside of me as his mouth relaxed into its former line, a wetness clinging to his eyes.

"I'd started to think about how I'd tell our kids how I became a lawyer and it always started with this case here," unlike before, a dullness lept into the curling of his lips, a smile dipped in sour memories. "I thought of it with P, telling her how Daddy became a lawyer because of Glensheen . . but I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to think about."

A hastiness filled my actions, first with my hand on his forearm. The velvet button down he'd picked for today felt like butter beneath my fingers, but it was the only easy part about this. No, the wetness spilling onto his cheeks only made it harder and so did prying the book from his hands. It wasn't any smoother looking into his eyes as mine welled with what filled his.

"I'll rate today if you will," my gentle words came, volumes different from mine that had come before.

"Eight and a half," Harry said dryly, clearing his throat afterward. I knew how he craved a glass of water to soothe the cracks in his throat. If only it could do the same to the heart.

"That's your first eight in a week and a half," I note aloud and his acknowledgement is absent. That is unless you count his eyes falling away from mine, focused on dragging his finger along the letter on my wrist as if he could do it forever.

"What's yours?" his question is quiet, but I could hear his voice in the loudest of darks. It was what had dragged me out of my lowest of lows, afterall.

"Nine . . and a half."

It was my turn to stare at my hands and avoid the gaze of the other. I could feel his as I tried to swallow past the heart shaped ball in my throat, trying to forget how quickly his head lifted.

"You haven't had a nine in weeks, bug," Harry remarks and I don't bother to nod. What would be the point? I don't want to make it any more real than it has to be. "Becks, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you say nine . . do you mean a ten?" his question made sense but I didn't want it to, because that would mean I'd have to come up with an answer. That wasn't something I could do.

*

Waiting was something I had done a lot of recently and what joined it was my feeling of something being amiss. I had blamed it on losing Phoebe and how it had upset my entire life, but standing here now, both rang too true. I couldn't put a finger on why I hesitated opening the door, even though I had been here just the other night. It had been Harry and I's first double date back with Asher and Skye. We had played Cards Against Humanity and sat around the old rinky dink deep fryer whilst picking our cards.

Leaving that night, my stomach was full from the pizza rolls, cheese curds, steak bites, and more that we deep fried, but that wasn't why my gut felt off. Skye had been acting weird and I couldn't put a finger on it. Sure, things had been different since losing Phoebe, but I knew it wasn't that. Tonight, I hoped it would come to light. If only I'd known now what I would later, I would have never come at all.

There was no answer when I knocked on the door, so I let myself in like usual. Our favorite chicken bacon ranch pizza Skye had promised me wafted from the oven where it cooked. After a quick glance around the open apartment, I find that I'm alone. That's odd, I think to myself, remembering running into Asher in the parking garage on my way from leaving work today. Their cars were parked out front and Skye's purse and keys are scattered across the island. Just like the old times, I muse silently as I begin to toe off my shoes until I stop.

Loud voices carry from down the hallway and immediately I recognize them as the two blondes I'm looking for. Removing my shoes is forgotten as I inch my way into the apartment, trying to listen. Normally, I'd feel guilty eavesdropping and so I don't often do it, but that went out the window when I heard my name. It sounds like they're fighting, but what about? Does it have something to do with me? Why would it? The questions bloom behind my eyes as the sound of their arguing grows when I come closer.

Stopping outside my old bedroom door, I felt more than uncomfortable, but it only grew as I waited. It had been weird at first finding out that Asher and Skye moved into my old bedroom, but knowing that it was the biggest, it made sense. Something inside of me tells me to stop and that I shouldn't be stepping into such a private moment of theirs. If it were the other way around I wouldn't want somebody to eavesdrop on me and Harry talking, and least of all a fight. But I can't stop after I hear my name for a second time.

"Skye, you have to tell Becky. You can't wait any longer."

"Don't you think I know that, Ash? I've been trying to think of how to say it, but for the life of me I can't," my best friend sighs. A whining sound follows her words, presumably after she plopped down onto the mattress. But when it comes a second time, I realize it's drawn from her lips.

"It'll be easier the sooner you tell her, babe. You know that." An unmistakable sigh whooshes from my best friend's lips on the other side of the door. "It can't wait any longer. Maybe you should tell her tonight."

"No! She just went back to work earlier this week and Harry said that she's doing better. I don't want to ruin any of that by telling her."

"She'll understand, Skye, and I know how much you want to tell her, to share this happiness with her. It was all I could do the other night to not talk about it, because I'm excited too," Asher admits with exasperation. Another sound tells me that he's joined her to sit on the bed.

"Of course I want to tell her, but how do I tell her about . . "

I hadn't known how I had gotten here. That's stupid because, of course, I did. But sitting here now, the steering wheel of Harry's car slick with my tears, I still wish I hadn't heard what I did. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't erase it from my memory, and no amount of tears could make it better. Each breath I took sent shoots of pain through my chest as it shook with fitful sobs. The engine still ran, rumbling softly even through the steering wheel my head rested on.

I had lost track of how long I'd sat here after pulling into the driveway. I knew that he would hear the garage door if I pulled in, so I was waiting. He didn't seem to hear or see the car yet, something I was grateful for. I wasn't ready yet, but would I ever be after what I just learned? Just as much as she didn't know how to tell me, I had no idea how I could tell Harry.

The laugh track of a TV show is what I hear first upon opening the door, followed by a wisecrack from Joey on FRIENDS. My heart squeezed at the sound of Harry's subsequent giggle, and knowing how I was about to take it away. I closed the door softly as I could and still knew that he would hear it. It's instantaneous how quickly the TV is turned down and how my unrelenting crying replaces the sound.

"Becks? You're home already, love?" my favorite voice murmurs from the living room before alarm is racing in it. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

I could count the seconds before I hear his rushed footsteps coming my way, and then stopping in front of me. Harry's molasses voice rushes to say my name a few more times but he succeeds in one try to pull me into his arms. Taking my spot sitting against the front door, I melt inside of his arms.

"Baby, please. What's wrong? You're scaring the shit out of me," it was hard to make out the concern in his voice amidst the spinning of my thoughts. It was there but I knew that had things been normal inside of me, I'd be able to hear the panic and fear living in his voice. "Are you hurt?" hurrying to ask, his hands run along my body, as if checking for injuries.

His neck smells sweet with vanilla from his cologne and then woodsy all at once, a smell that used to calm me in seconds. No, not now. Inhaling, I try to focus on his voice and the feeling of his fingers in my hair, but it's more than hard. It's only after snaking my arm out from around him and my fingers into his, do I find my bearings. His chin was sandpapery against my head and although he'd wake me up with the weird feeling, I welcome it now. It's what roots me to the spot and brings me back to him.

"Becks honey, talk to me . . Don't run away from me again," sorrow leaked from his words that began to break on his lips. "Please."

"Harry," his name came out in a sob deep from inside of me. The second I'd heard those words drop from Skye's lips I had wanted him . . needed him. I had known that's the only thing that could ever make it better, but could it after I utter the words that had been spinning webs in my head? "S-Skye . . . "

"What, is Skye alright? Did something happen to her? Did-."

"Skye's pregnant, H-Harry."

*

What woke me wasn't the feeling of his fingernails dragging along my arm, raising goosebumps. It was a nightmare that I couldn't place once I'd opened my eyes, but that didn't matter because I'd woken up to one. The night before came flooding back to me, making me remember why my throat burned and my eyes stung. It was from the screams I shouted in the car where nobody could hear me, not even God who they were meant for. No, I doubted he heard me or saw the way I chased breaths between sobs.

"Morning, bug," Harry rasped in his voice dripping with extra honey.

Something unspoken hid in his words and in the way he covered my face with loud kisses. I didn't laugh or even break a smile. It was impossible after the newly awake ignorance washed away seconds after waking. I felt the hesitation in his movements, the way his chin now tucking my head to his chest moved when he was going to speak only to stop. He wanted to ask how I slept or what I dreamt about. It was the usual stuff but I knew that he was choosing his words carefully after all of the ones that were said last night.

I felt lost in my own, not knowing what to say. It was almost as bad as before when a chasm broke through our lives, carrying us away from each other. Almost but not quite. The thought made me cling to him with fear, never wanting to lose him ever again after all of the times that I had already.

"Shhh, I'm here. I-I know it's not okay right now, but it will be eventually," he cooed to me, fingers nimble and gentle where they dragged through my snarled hair.

"How, Harry? How am I going to be okay seeing her have what I want? I have to watch my best friend have a baby when- when I should be pregnant with her too. I-I . . ," no other words are possible as I begin to shake in his arms. Again.

"I know, buggie," is all that he says, speaking volumes more through his fingers drawing shapes into my back.

"How many times have they called?"

His hand pauses, frozen in a soft claw against my spine, "How'd you know? I thought you were asleep."

"I was but I know h-how they are . . She was so upset, Harry. I still feel so bad for how it happened."

"They each called about ten times already since last night between our two phones. I've gotten a few texts as well but I don't know how to answer them," he murmurs and I can only nod. His calming humming begins against my hair, some tune by The Paper Kites that he caught me listening to when I was his assistant, saying it was a favorite of his too. "Skye already said a hundred times that she understands that this is hard for you . . It's what all her texts and voicemail said."

"How can she say that she understands wh-when she's never lost a baby?" out it comes and I can't take it back, despite all of the times that I had thought it. His words of comfort begin but I'm too quick to shut them down. "But I should be happy for her and Asher," I whisper into his chest, the familiar warmth of his necklace against my cheek.

"You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Becks. We don't get to choose how we feel . . However you're feeling is okay and it's understandable," Harry says, tracing circles under his t-shirt he pulled over me last night when I couldn't get dressed myself. "To be honest, I'm quite pissed at the world at the moment and somehow at them too. It doesn't make sense but feelings never do . . I had the hugest crush on you when we met and I had a girlfriend. It didn't make one bit of sense to me."

All that I can muster is a hummed acknowledgement before words find me, "You fought it and it didn't go away though. I want this to go away. I don't want to be jealous and mad but . . I don't know how I can't be. It's not fair, Harry."

Any licks of morning light is doused out by black when I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing that was the trick to keeping the tears in.

"I know, honey bug. Life is never fair, unfortunately . . but we're going to have our own family one day. It'll happen for us when we're ready again . . And if you can't do it, watching Skye become a Mum, then you don't have to. I don't want you causing yourself any more pain. You've already been through so much."

"But she's my best friend, Harry, ever since first grade."

"Then give it time, babe. Healing doesn't happen in a day . . We both know that."

"How can I heal if everyday I'm reminded of it, Harry? Sh-She's going to have a baby and I'm supposed to be there as her best friend, like we've always planned. The best friend plans the shower and is there for the birth, and her bump is going to get bigger. I-," he stops me before I carry on and eventually implode from the feeling bursting from my words.

"You can only do so much, and however much that is - big or small - is okay. Skye will understand," he insists from above, nudging his nose against my temple. "Shhh, shhh. It's going to be okay, babe. I promise."

Harry's words ghost over my face, smelling of the minty toothpaste we use. If my body wasn't shaking with waterfalls of tears, I'd try to care what time it is and why he isn't at work. Part of me wants to ignore it and that's the one I listen to, letting him rock me back and forth inside of the safety in his arms.

"Thanks for staying w-with me," I blubber against his neck, finding purchase with my hands cupping his shoulders.

"Always, my love. Thank you for doing the same. I know it seems like we keep getting hit down as soon as we get up."

"No kidding," I hiccup.

Trying to focus on the Elton John song he sings to me instead of the danger concocting inside of my head is no easy task. It was one of our favorite songs but it still couldn't stop me from thinking about how it should be Skye and me pregnant together. We'd dreamt out loud how many times since we were six that we'd be mothers together and our kids would be best friends. Now, that will never happen, I think miserably, wishing that things could be different just like I had thought for the last two months. Those thoughts spun back into how I'd have to stand by her side through it all, pretending that I wasn't insanely jealous and resentful. That sentence in itself makes me cry louder against his bare chest, because she was my best friend and how could I be so mad at her for something that was so amazing? I can't but I am.

It was the very same thing I'd said last night after the bedroom door had opened, all of our mouths agape. I'd tripped on my own feet, or their news had knocked me off them, I suppose. It had sent one of their plants onto its side and profanities from my mouth.

"Ree . . Oh my god," Skye had gasped, a hand to her mouth, of course. The face I had known for so many years, watched change over and over, had paled so that it almost matched the wall behind it. "Please. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way. I promise I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how. I-."

"I can't do this, Skye. I'm sorry but I-I can't. I don't know how to," I had muttered hastily, my wet eyes already painting my face only moments before hers.

It was only seconds later that Asher had exclaimed my name for there to be no response. Moments before slamming the door, I heard him call after Skye whose footsteps trailed behind me.

"Ree, please! I'm sorry!" she had shouted after me, in a voice that snagged on the fresh crack in my heart.

"Skye, don't. She'll be okay, just give her time."

With a pained sob just before the door closed, I heard her choke out, "I never wanted to hurt her."

"Is there anything I can do to take your mind off it, bubs? It's not healthy to keep replaying it over in your head, and I know you are," Harry's murmur comes, trying to shut the door on the memory. One that is still too fresh and new, too much like the puddle of red I sat on in this very bed that morning. We'd made our way back into our bedroom and into our old lives, thinking things were going back to normal. Little did we know. Shaking my head does little to erase the thoughts, no matter how many times I do it.

"Your head's not an Etch A Sketch, bug. Stop, baby, please," he insists, bringing a hand to my head, trying to make me stop. If only I could erase the thoughts like the old toy we played with as kids. Skye and I would fight over who used it, even if we both were terrible at it. "Please, just tell me what I can do to make it all better."

"You can't always fix it, Harry. Thank you for t-trying, but . . "

Puffing, the crack in my heart widens at the pain held in just his sigh. "I wish more than anything I could, Becks. I'm the husband, the d-dad. I should be fixing it."

"Don't. You can't a-and that's okay," I say with a voice colored with the very opposite, because it really isn't okay.

"Even though it's not . . okay."

Nodding my head quickly into him answers that then and there, as if the tears loud from my eyes didn't say that already.

"I see now why you've never rated your pain as a ten before today . . ," he didn't need to finish his thought because my mind knitted it up for him. Because I need to save it for when it could be nothing else but a ten.

"I miss her. I never even met her and I miss her so much it hurts," my voice trembles, colored with memories that had just become bearable to recall. Now, I feel as if I need to find the key to lock them back up in their box because they're too painful to think about. "I just want her back, Harry."

"I know, sweetheart. So do I," his lips brush against my temple with his words, pressing a kiss there that stays. At least I have Harry. I can get through anything with him by my side. I find it in me to take a full breath at that realization, holding onto him tighter.

*

What now, I thought silently but the words spoke volumes. Underneath me the mattress squeaked when I tried to get comfortable. Tugging at my shirt, my eyes fell to my legs clad in a fresh pair of jeans. It felt bizarre to be wearing them. I hadn't gotten dressed in four days, because I could barely get out of bed. It was too much like the last time and it scared me to no end, because I didn't want to lose everything like before.

I didn't want to get dressed today or to take a shower for the first time since I'd heard about Skye, but I did. Harry gave me time and didn't push me, but when he left for work this morning, again without me, I found it in me to do it. My body had already gotten used to the baggy feeling of Harry's oversized shirt and sweatpants. Now, it wasn't sure about these jeans or the warm black and brown Argyle sweater I'd found in his closet. Dragging a brush through my snarled hair seemed like the most work I could do all day, let alone warming up leftovers after it. This time, I hadn't lost myself completely, but I still didn't feel like me. Knowing what I did changed everything once again, and I didn't know how to do it.

Staring back at me, the meticulous plans Harry and I had made seemed impossible now. The blinking cursor nagged at me to type in the shared Google document, knowing Harry would see it. The top listed the logical need to know things and then the places we'd go, followed by the costs and smaller details. It had only been a week since we'd looked at our wedding plans together, but it had seemed much longer now. Seeing the dress decorated with lace and sewn flowers in our closet pained me, making me wonder how I'd get my best friend to do my hair and makeup now. I knew that she would come, even if I hadn't answered any of her texts or phone calls since it had happened. But how could I do it?

[loi-et-love]

SZ: hi.

first thing first..... T H A N K S ....for so many things... talking to me, being nice to me (even when i was pain in the ass) .... being frank and open..... talking whatever came to your mind (well that you do with everyone) ..... answering to some long emails... with equally wrong emails....

you know i had drafted a mail earlier but had to delete it ... thought might as well write something new and fresh..... and this is what you have done to me ..... When i have free time .... i think "let me write to aditi" ..... sometimes..... i even wake up in the middle of my sleep to check...... if there is any message from you.... but unfortunately only calls or messages i get then at that time are from GC .... some how he just knows when i am busy.... or sleeping in office hours and he will call me..... the joke i tell my mom is "if i want GC to call me ..... i should sleep" and hola ...tring tring ....

initially when we started talking...... i did want to know why is she talking so much to me .... but then i let go of it ..... realized later you are talkative.....

i dont talk to many people..... and i dont remember when i had written 100 odd emails .... to someone ...... i guess there have been days when we have completed more than 50 odd emails in a single day.... like today we are already near 42......

two reasons i dont talk to many people in office is 1) my last name: they have pre concieved notion about me and feel uncomfortable talking to me ...... and i dont like when people are uncomfortable .... and they do make it previous obvious

2) whatever little interaction i have had with some ..... i just dont connect... i dont feel the need to ... or in simpler words..... i dont find anyone else interesting enough

yes i like you,.... want to know you..... but i want to know you at your pace and your convenience .... i am not in a hurry..... but then its like you kind of sweet like an ice cream..... and i get worried... what if it just melts away .... so i want to know things about you......

all those questions hanky panky and all is just to get you open up..... as i always say.... i was also 24 for one full year..... and i know things that happen.... i am no saint either.... and i had a car since i was 16..... so had my share of back seat action too....

sometimes...... its obvious that i am the distraction .... that keeps you away from ex......... sometimes.... its just that ... you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all..... so you just treat me like an "agony uncle" or lets say punching bag.... i am ok with that.....

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake ....

like today i didnt need to send the photo which i sent in morning ...... or didnt need to think about you when i saw rainbow ..... didnt need to go for walk ..... i went yesterday also .... the reason : well yesterday i knew you would be busy from 6-7 while driving to go home and today i knew you would be sleeping while i was awake so i thought might as well go for a walk

talking sarcastically or flirting or being funny is natural to me and so is the serious attitude.... seen a lot of things in life....

you dont like flirting we can always stop.... it will be difficult but i can stop.... no more checking out .... btw its not the ass which i check out first in a lady....... its something else

chalo will send across this email when you are back from lunch..... and done with your work

ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U T I F U L ....enjoy have a nice day .

I: God!! nobody is ever going to let me read this email with full concentration. *angry face*

Will you stop thanking me?? I didn't do anything FOR you. i'm selfish that way. So stop!! I did everything because I wanted to. I didn't do any favors for you. I talk to you because i like talking to you. I'm nice to you because you have been nice to me (no indecency). I'm frank and open... Well, that's just who I am. I speak my mind. And I respond to your long emails because I love talking to you and I love long emails. Long emails signify how much willing you are to talk to me. It shows your effort, that you are ready to type so much because you so much to say.

Maybe you can send me that email you deleted. I would want to read everything you type to send me because that's what you wanted to say to me.

I know how you feel. you have done the same thing to me too. I was late for lunch and made Kaalu and H sir wait becasue I wanted to finish writing an email to you.

It's true that I am talkative but I don't talk soooooo much with everybody. I'm friendly with everyone but not everybody is my friend. So, I talked so much with you because I chose to and not because I have a compulsive need of talking.

And BTW you spoke to me first. I had my seat changed and you had asked me something. I think you had asked me what I do here, etc. and then why my place was changed. I remember it was dark and there was nobody in the office except you and me and you were filling your water bottle and laughed (that cute laugh I love) when I told you that because French Translator and I talk a lot they changed my place. (I know it was silly of me. I didn't even care that you're a C (last name) and I shouldn't have and I should've maintain a decorum with you)

"i dont talk to many people" Tha'ts what Kaalu said, you don't talk to too many people. And if you talk, nobody hears your voice. So, it's more or less like you don't talk at all.

And those days are the best days where we write over 50 emails to each other.

I know why you wouldn't talk to people here in OIA. I saw and felt how lonely you are. and then you talked to me one day and I felt "god! ye accha baat karta hai. Decency toh baapre.. chalakti hai!! Has a nice soothing, amazing voice. English mast hai." And then Idk how and when I started talking to you. I don't remember. All I know is that I must've blabbered a lot for no reason, forcing you to be in the conversation. Do you remember how I started talking to you so much after you spoke to me once? (answer me) I actually you spoke to me twice. once ws in the elevator when we were going down. I think we started talking about cars and books when we would leave. And then you would advise me like an uncle to drive safe and use this direction than the one I use. Ufff... how annoying I found you then!! Treating me like I'm 10!

So, as i was saying i thought u r introvert n shy n lonely n dont have many friends here. but i was happy to see you chitchatting with anand sir then.. Sometime in february i think. I was relieved..

I don't understand what preconceived notions they would have about you.

People know you're C because you speak THEIR language. (That's how I found out). I would always see you talk with Kapil. And I wud make a face like why does this man have to talk to him (Atul), bichara.. paka raha hoga Atul ko! But then i found out u r a Chaturvedi and I slapped my forehead. Like whyyyyyyy............... But then your last name never felt like a hindrance for me. You last name never bothered me. Is that strange for you? (answer me)

So, you know how I feel about you not being here right now? So, you know how I feel about you leaving? There is nobody interesting in this office. There's nobody who reach my standards and actually hold a conversation with me. You have no idea how ecsatic I was to talk to you everytime!! I would wait for NL to leave so that I could talk to you. But you would shoo me away like a dog.. :( That did hurt me when you continued to do it for a few days but I didn't say anything because i know you didn't mean it

You have to ask questions to know me. Don't ask me questions about what hanky panky I have done. I won't answer that. i don't kiss and tell. I told you about Aditya. I told you I have daddy issues. You figured out I have trust issues. It takes time to get to know people. And it's more fun when you get to know them as the time passes by. Fast-fast karne me koi mazaa nahi hai. I have been very fast in my life and i've realized this now and i always prefer to go slow.

I want to get to know you too. You conceal so much behind this fluffy (hehehe) exterior. But it takes time.

You are not the distraction. Dude. I have many distractions. Do you think you are the only person in the office I flirt with? Think again! Yeah, it's true that you are the only person I actually enjoy flirting with!! ('im not buttering you up here)

Nobody can keep me away from BB. BB and I... We have the strangest chemistry. We wouldn't talk to each other for months (which felt like years) and we'd gravitate back to each other. It's just how it is. Nobody can stop what's happening between me and him. and you're not a distraction. I don't use humans anymore. not that person anymore.

This is true "you have too much stored in yourself ...... and you dont have the channel to release it all" But you aren't my agony uncle or punching bag. I have just been awfully mad at you, once !! Just once!!.

You are just completely different for me. You hold the weirdest place in my life. Never anticipated to go this far. I didn't know you'd give me your number and i would chat with you like its the end of the world!!

And you are currently occupying lot of my mental space..... whether is sleeping or awake .... --> i don't want to ruin the moment, but i do do this to alot of people. What you said in another email that i have made your boring life here in OIA, interesting and now you look forward to it. There was this intern (also Adi, he's a southernese) he too said the same thing. He wasn't somebody who would talk a lot but with me, we would talk for 9 hours straight for 2-3 weeks! He didnt have any work and nor did I. and he still cannot believe it. Yeah, so i do have an effect on people. (I won't say i dont enjoy it. i jsut hope it turns out to be a good experience for them)

If you thought about me when you saw the rainbow, then i think of you everytime i see XUV on the street. I wait for you to text me on whatsapp. I come to work and I check my email first for any email from you.

Today when i came to work, i really thought that you're lying n u have come back n you'll come to work today.

" it will be difficult but i can stop" --> really? it'll be difficult???

What's the first thing you check out in a girl? and what's the first thing u checked out in me?

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> i have to hug you for this. There's a way of saying things. it also matters who is saying to you.

I'm too disturbed after wat NL said yesterday. I jsut want to go to him anymore.. i'm not Veena or Marina. Nor do I behave that way (although i did speak things with you, i hit on you, that's different. but really, i didn't do it with NL)

"ohhhh last thing ..... you are B E A U TI FUL ....enjoy have a nice day ." --> you made my day. (you too have an effect on me, okay. you just don't realize it, although I say it out loud so many times) this made me smile shyly. main sharmati nahi hu.. thank you :*