#I'm already a PSS they can't take that from me

[savage-rhi]

💙

[vallanoux]

Valentines with the one and only King of Hell Himself, Lucifer!

warnings: tooth rotting fluff.

"the love letter"

To the one I love (yes you!),

Can I just start off with saying how much I love you? Because I love you so, so very much! You do so, so many things for me that I feel as if I can never say "thank you" enough––or most certainly, I can never say "i love you" enough.

But you know what? I'll take any opportunity I can to show you just how much I love and appreciate you, and guess what?!! Valentines is the perfect way to do that!

I hope you can leave Saturday afternoon till evening open for me because I most certainly have plans for us. Just so you know what to expect (and to prove to you that I'm capable of not going overboard like last year-), here's the schedule, okay?

watch a cute lil' movie at pentagram city's one and only theater

dinner at your favorite place

and whatever comes after...? ;>

Sounds good?

And, just so you know, if I haven't made it clear enough, I love you, (name).

More than anything.

More than you'll ever know.

From your most beloved "short king",

Lucifer "Lulu" Morningstar

PS: I'll pick you up at 15:30!

PSS: I left some outfits in a basket along with the letter so we can match for the day

PSSS: I'm super excited, and I can't wait to see you

PSSSS: Today is our nth year being together

"the cute lil' movie"

Lucifer arrives right on time with a big, cute, dopey smile on his face

He brings you into a tight hug (that probably chokes you, but you let it happen anyway because you love Lucifer just as much)

"Aww, you decided to wear that outfit? Gosh, you look stunning. I knew you'd like that one!"

"Look at how good we match. We look amazing, don't we?"

After almost 10 minutes of Lucifer fussing over you, he finally teleports you both to the movie theater, and obviously, it's a romance

No doubt, you get the best two seats in the theater

When he watches movies, Lucifer loves to hold your hand. It makes him feel calm and happy.

Undoubtedly, Lucifer would always find a way to hold you one way or another.

Lucifer gets super emotionally attached when he watches the movie, and absolutely adores the characters

"They look so cute together? Oh my gosh, just kiss already...!"

"We should definitely try that together, that's such a good idea." (it's not-)

"I feel bad for him... I sympathize! (so and so) is so oblivious, just like a certain someone." He'd tease as he looks at you (and damn, ouch!)

If anything sad happens in the movie, he'd be bawling

He'd cling onto your hand and weep

"Why did that have to happen? That's so cruel! (name), tell me why...!"

"No, they don't deserve that. I think I'll have a word with the director..."

"Lulu, no-"

"-Lulu, yes!"

Watching movies (even if the movies themselves are absolutely terrible) are always wonderful experiences with Lucifer because of his strong reactions

Really, you love him to bits

After the movie finishes, with Lucifer being either a sobbing mess, or a very happy fella, it's now time for dinner

You cup his cheeks and squish them with your thumbs gently, and you place a kiss on his forehead. "Lulu, it's time for dinner, m'kay? Don't get too carried away by your emotions."

"dinner at your favorite place"

Lucifer would reserve the whole restaurant just to have some time with you to talk about anything and everything

If you wanted, you could order every single thing on the menu and Lucifer wouldn't even flinch––nor would his wallet

"Oh, are you hungry? I should've brought some snacks for you to enjoy at the theater."

"Eat as much as you want, dearheart. I wouldn't want you leaving with an empty stomach."

Yes, Lucifer uses dearheart (a more old timey version of sweetheart)

As the two of you eat, you'd talk about anything and everything really

About how your feeling, how the past year has been and future plants (while you tell everything to lucifer, and vice versa, it's just nice to set some future goals or check in on how the other is doing)

Lucifer, if you'd give him the pleasure of being fed, would definitely enjoy it

"For me?" His eyes would sparkle as he takes a bite. "Thank you."

Lucifer would definitely be the type to eat anything you make or give to him and say it tastes super delicious (although it might not fit his tastes sometimes)

When dinner is over, he takes you home.

What happens after is totally your choice ;>

a/n: i do apologize if the headcannons are bad! i don't usually write headcannons.

also if luci seems OOC, i apologize for that too lol. i just can't help but see him as an overly excited, emotional, dorky S/O that's always a ball of excitement (much like charlie)

[browneyes-issac]

Ok.. I'm gonna go cryyyy!!! 🥺💞🙈 I didn't get to look at my notifications until morning break today. Because I had a movie ( Pedro movies to he exact.. 🤭 ) night when I got home and didn't even look at my phone really all night..

So seeing this made my heart so happy and I for real got teary eyed. 💞🥺 And thennn finally getting to read it now since I'm off.. My week is made and I'm all 🥰💞🥺.

You did so beautifully!! And I'm so proud of you!! Deciding to post your creations takes lots of courage, plus you said you've been away from it a bit.. Even more proud of you!! 💞😘

Thank you x infinity for thissss. This truly helped endlessly.

And, not me getting the cry thing in my throat when he said let me help.. Like sirrr... 🥺 you're too sweettttt! Totally would have been me, working about him getting in trouble for helping... 😆🤭

The kissessss!! How can one be so cute and precious?

I'm already in love with your writing, I can't wait to see/read more!! 💞😘

* runs and hugs youuuu * 💞🫂😘

Ps, I'm gonna link this to my mastlist/post so I can always come back to it when I need the comfort. And to show love always. 💞😘

Pss, I apologize for my ramble!! 😆🙈💞

Bad Day - A "Kissing You" Drabble

Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader

Rating: No warnings that I know of, just a bunch of fluff with the briefest of mentions about other enjoyable activities with our boy

Word Count: 800

a/n: Okay, so I've been working on something for a while, and this is not that something, but rather a small piece of a different something that I'm really trying to convince myself to share. But for now, here's a small piece of that thing that I want to share for @browneyes-issac. I'm so sorry you had a horrible day at work and my brain wouldn't stop until I wrote this in hopes that it might help, even just a little. This is also my first ever released Frankie fic, and also my first time writing f!reader, and also the first thing I've written and shared on Tumblr in literal YEARS, so go easy on me. And if you like it, tell me to post the other ones that may or may not be sitting in my folders.

Your day has been nothing short of miserable. 

As if a broken water heater hadn’t been enough, the standstill traffic on your way to work and the blown tire just two blocks from the restaurant gave you pause. And then you’d been foolish enough to believe that maybe, at least, work would be tolerable for once. 

But it hadn’t been, and now you're alone in an empty restaurant with a room full of tables still yet to be cleaned. Your coworkers had been no help, piling onto your load with table after table, nevermind your lack of a break. And then they’d left, all citing important events that they needed to attend while you stood, glancing at your watch as it told you your shift should be ending in ten minutes. Keyword, should.

A flash of headlights from outside brightens the empty room, and with a sigh, you head toward the front door, unlocking the deadbolt as Frankie appears on the other side. He’d agreed to pick you up when you’d called him about your blown tire, and he was, of course, on time. 

You're willing yourself not to lose it entirely when you breathe in his familiar scent, but it only takes a second for his wide smile to fade into genuine concern. “What’s wrong?” 

Saying nothing, you turn and walk back into the dining room, gesturing to the tables still stacked high with dishes. “There’s more in the kitchen,” you sigh, eyes falling to the ground in front of you, trying to hide your frustrated tears. 

Slowly, he takes your hand in his, lacing your fingers together and raises them to press a kiss to the back of your hand. “I’ll help.”

A laugh escapes you as you finally glance up at him, “You can’t.” 

Frankie’s eyebrows raise quickly, “and why not?” 

“For starters, you don’t work here. And you wouldn’t get paid. And it’s my job. You probably shouldn’t even be in here like this and you really can’t go in the kitchen and…” 

His grip on your hand tightens, causing you to stop your rambling. Without missing a beat, he counters your concerns with a plan. “How about you wash and I collect the dishes and bring them back to you? Then I can wipe down all the tables and rearrange everything out here while you finish up.” 

“Let me help you, Querida,” he continues when he notices you biting your lip, eyes flickering over the piles of work, and you feel him kiss your hand once more. You have to admit that his plan makes a lot of sense, and it would probably allow the two of you to be out of here long before you would if you did everything on your own. 

“Okay,” you agree after a long breath.

Frankie looks pleased, almost excited, and kisses your forehead quickly before rushing off in the direction of the nearest table. He picks up a stack of dishes and follows as you lead him toward the kitchen. Once you’ve shown him where to set things, you head toward the sink to begin the cleaning process. 

He appears every minute or so as he clears the dining room, stopping in between each trip to kiss you. Sometimes on your forehead, sometimes your shoulder or your nose. Whatever part of you he can reasonably reach, and with each passing moment you feel the weight of the day become a little lighter. A smile here and there, a laugh when he kisses you in the crook of your neck before rushing back into the dining room once more.

Methodically, you scrub away at the dirty plates, working as quickly as you can. Frankie is gone for a while, probably cleaning the tables, and soon the pile dwindles down to nothing.

Strong arms wind around your waist as you rinse off the plate in your hands, a warm chest at your back, and he presses a kiss to the side of your head. “Almost done?” 

You nod, pressing into him as you place the last dish on the rack. “Done.” You turn in his arms, and he doesn’t protest when your wet hands wind around his neck to bring him down for a proper kiss. It’s soft and warm, and you hum when you pull away to find Frankie smiling at you. “Thank you,” you whisper. 

“Anytime,” he returns, hugging you a bit tighter. “Now, are you ready to go home? Because I think I have the perfect remedy for your bad day.” 

His contagious smile finally transfers to your own face, “Is that so?”

Frankie nods eagerly, and you know the spark in his eyes well, so without another word you lace your fingers through his and tug him in the direction of the door. 

And later, when you’re laying in his arms, feeling sated and so very loved, your bad day is nothing more than a forgotten memory. 

[warwickroyals]

XLV: FRATERNAL "BONDING"

Beginning | Previous | Next

Transcript under the cut - Click for HQ photos

AUTHOR'S NOTE: You know how out of character it is for Phillip to hug someone? Poor, Alex, though I can't help but feel bad for him. Also Coraline? Natasha? Damn, it's been so long since those characters were even mentioned! I feel like

PS - Nick has a lot of anger towards Phillip that has been seething since he left. Being abandoned by another paternal figure could not be easy for him.

PSS - I have been sitting on a huge spoiler for this entire arc, and I'm about to let it go next chapter. Get ready for tomorrow . . .

All likes, comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated! Thank you for the support 💜

[NICHOLAS] All I’m saying is that it’s very ironic that you rushed all the way over here just to defend

him. I mean, you two are basically the same person if you really think about—

[ALEX] That’s literally just a lie, you’re just making shit up on top of that—

[NICHOLAS] Fuck. Stop talking when I’m talking, he’s just a forty-year-old brunette version of you.

[ALEX] No, I’m not! I mean, no offence, sir, but that’s literally not true.

[NICHOLAS] Stop saying “literally” like that! No shit, it’s not literally true, it’s a metaphor, genius.

[ALEX] See? You see what I mean? I can’t say anything without him just attacking me!

[PHILLIP] I’m not trying to take anyone’s side, Nicholas.

[NICHOLAS] Oh, really? That’s news to me. You’ve had a lot of things to say to me and comparatively little to him.

[ALEX] He doesn’t need to say anything to me!  I already know that I messed up. I’m sorry, what else do you want?

[NICHOLAS] You’re treating this like you flunked math or something. You can’t just “Oh, sorry, my bad” a baby away.

[ALEX] This is all so pointless. Kamryn won’t even talk to me anymore, her dad has her under, like, house arrest.

[NICHOLAS] Her funeral, I guess. Unlike you, Alex, I actually thought she was halfway intelligent.

[PHILLIP] Okay, guys, this is beginning to get unbearable. Both of you need to shut up for—

[ALEX] I can’t believe you. You’re jealous, just admit that—[NICHOLAS] Jealous of what, exactly? Of me, of us. You pretend to be so unbothered but you’re so Goddamn jealous that I have someone I care about. And you have no one.

[PHILLIP] Alex, what did I just say about shutting the fuck up?

[ALEX] Well, somebody needs to tell him. He doesn’t care about Mom or me or anyone but himself. Now he’s salty because he’s all alone. I mean, who else is there? Natasha? The girl would have dove off a cliff just to reach his bed and he somehow still managed to mess that up.

[PHILLIP] Okay, that’s enough. You’re brothers, your father is gone, supporting each other should be your main priority.

[NICHOLAS] Coming from you that statement is a joke. Save me whatever speech you’re about to give about fraternal love. Uncle: where have you been? This is the first time in like six months that we’ve even seen you. You’ve missed two Christmases. Last year you were in a psych ward for over two weeks and Sam only found out about it because one of his friends made a joke about you being at a halfway house. You want to talk about my priorities? What about yours?

[NICHOLAS] You’ve been trying to leave this family from the moment you were born. That’s the issue with you, with both of you. You just do and never think about the consequences. You can always leave if you fuck up too grossly. What about me? I can’t leave, you know, and it’s really funny that you bring up Dad—[ALEX] Man, you need to chill out—He’s not just gone, he’s dead. And unlike you he didn’t even have a choice. He didn’t leave willingly like you.

[PHILLIP] What . . . What exactly do you mean?

You know what I mean. It should have been you. You’re not exactly addicted to life, are you?

You’re a terrible person, Nick. There’s nothing you can say that will provoke me, all you’re doing is proving Alex right. Is that what you want?

[NICHOLAS scoffs]

[PHILLIP] Oh, that it’s funny now? You’re proud of that? You’re a manipulator, you’re cruel, and you take people for granted. You act this way and then wonder why you keep finding yourself alone. Yes, I’ve done the same, terrible things and you can resent me for that, but you’re supposed to be better. Okay? Act better. Do better.

[NICHOLAS] Whatever. I’m out of here. This is pointless.

[ALEX] Maybe he has a point. I mean, he’s wrong, but he’s right at the same time. I know I’ve messed up, I— I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do with myself and . . . it’s been like that for a very long time. And now it’s so much worse.

[ALEX] After Dad died, Nick told me that he would still choose to have our dad for the same amount of time over, like, another dad who would live forever. Because our dad was easily the best dad in the world. Back then I thought I agreed with him, but now I’m not sure. I—I—I can’t do this. Grandfather wants to send me to Scarborough and I really, really don’t know how to tell him no. I’ll be disappointing him all over again. I want to be there, I want to be a good dad, but if I get enlisted, I won’t be able to. Sorry, I’m kind of a mess right now.

[PHILLIP] Alex, you don’t have to apologize for anything, alright? I’ll talk to him, I’ll get him to change his mind.

[TEXT] Thanks for reaching out. Sorry for avoiding you, I didn’t know how to face you even after all this time. Now that we’ve graduated I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I wish things were different but they never will be. I’m sorry Nick, but I only want what’s best for us

[PHILLIP] It’s okay, you’ll be fine. And Nick does not have a point. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

[mlmxreader]

A Chance To Make Me Choke | Dan Torrance x m!reader (🍋)

Anonymous asked: seal anon here, may i request dan torrance x male reader smut involving bratty reader and daddy kink.

ps thanks a million for your advice about writing, it's helped a lot.

pss your laszlo x gender neutral hungover reader was delightful. laszlo taking care of someone is always lovely

summary: Dan really isn't fucking happy with you when you decide to send him pictures while he's at work.

tws: Daddy kink, praise kink, choking, swearing, smoking, a little bit of spanking but not much

MINORS DNI

Dan was minding his own business, scrolling through his messages on his break as he always did, when he noticed that you had sent him a picture; he didn't really think much of it, as you often sent him pictures of the various things you found even the slightest bit interesting throughout the day, so he figured he would open it. It wasn't like anyone could see anyway, he was out the back smoking and there was no one around; most of the staff had gone home, leaving only him and Azzie, who was sound asleep on a spare stretcher outside room twelve when Dan had decided to take his break.

He clenched his jaw when he opened the picture though, swallowing thickly and letting out a soft growl; you were on your bed, laid on your back and facing the mirror with your hand wrapped around your cock. Stark naked and hard. His breath hitched and he shook his head, saving the picture to his phone gallery before stuffing his phone back into his pocket; he finished his cigarette and stubbed it out before heading back inside. He only had an hour before someone took over his shift for the rest of the night, but Jesus Christ, he couldn't wait to get home; as soon as they took over, he practically bolted out and got into his car. He was sure he had broken the speed limit at least thrice, but when he pulled up to your place, he sighed heavily; quick to take off his boots at the door and to leave a trail of clothing to the bedroom, he straddled your lap with your wrists in one hand over your head as you grinned at him.

"I thought you'd like that picture," you teased.

Dan growled, shaking his head. "I can't believe you sent that... are you really that fucking needy for me, puppy?"

Your hips jerked as you let out a soft shudder. "Maybe. Why?"

"Sending me pictures like that," he hissed, daring to start kissing and biting at your neck, making sure to get all the right sensitive spots that made you whimper and beg for more. "While I was at work. You realise anyone could have seen, right? You realise that anyone could have seen you with your pretty cock in your hand?"

"Maybe I wanted them to see," you mused. "Maybe I wanted everyone to see what you have waiting at home every fucking day."

Dan shook his head, letting go of your wrists and putting his hands on your chest, pinning you against the mattress as he licked his lips and looked down at your cock. You were fucking hard. "You're such a goddamn brat."

"You like it," you chuckled. "Don't you, Daddy?"

"I'm gonna choke you while I fuck you," he breathed out. "Would you like that, pup?"

You nodded, which earned you his hand around your throat, gentle pressure and a reminder to use your words. "Yes, Daddy."

"Good boy," he moved to get off of your lap, then smiled as he took his cock in his hand and let out a harsh sigh. "I wanna see you get yourself ready."

You were quick to grab the lube from the drawer, applying a generous amount to your ass and fingers before you slipped the digets in; pumping two in and out and moaning softly when you hit the right spot, your eyes never leaving Dan's as he continued to stroke himself. You licked your lips at how precum leaked from his tip and how he used it to make his cock nice and slick, your hips jerking as you whimpered softly, stretching your hole and getting so fucking close to begging for him to touch you already. Just a little bit.

You stopped when you knew that you were ready. "What position do you want me in, Daddy?"

"Before that," he swallowed thickly, making sure his voice was clear. "Are you sure you want this? We can stop if you don't."

"Yes," you told him. "I'm very fucking sure that I want you to fuck me."

Getting back on the bed, Dan sat with his back against the headboard, a little smile on his lips as he cleared his throat. "On my lap. Now."

You couldn't help but to grin as you did as you were told for once, lining your ass up with his cock and slowly easing yourself onto it, a soft moan coming from your lips when he bottomed out inside you, one hand on your ass, the other reaching up to your throat as he dared to apply a bit of pressure, just enough that you could feel it.

"Can I start?" He asked.

You nodded, earning a slap to your ass that made you whimper as you held back the urge to buck your hips. "Yes, Daddy."

"Good boy," he praised, starting out slowly, just rocking his hips a little as you easily matched his pace. He was so fucking tempted to take your cock in his hand and to make you cum twice as much as he would. "Fuck, you feel so fucking good, puppy."

You leaned in, daring to steal an open mouthed and harsh kiss as you worked your ass on his cock, soft whimpers and moans leaving your lips as he continued to choke you; when you pulled back, he dared to speed up, quite literally fucking you as he let string after string of praises leave him. Every fucking thing you did was earning you a praise.

"You always end up behaving for Daddy," he growled harshly. "Don't you, huh?"

"Fuck, yeah, I do," you groaned, so desperate and needy for him that you couldn't help but to try and pick up the pace. "Please, Daddy, fuck me harder. Fuck, I need it."

Dan was all too happy to oblige such a request, picking up his pace as he thrust his hips up into you and applied a little more pressure to your throat, doing his best not to laugh at how you grinned and leaned into the touch.

"Such a fucking good boy for your Daddy. Fuck, it's like your ass was made to take my cock."

You could hardly speak, sweat on your skin as you opened your mouth and met his gaze, so fucking needy; so fucking overwhelmed by the choking and the praises and the way he was filling your ass with his cock, the sound of skin slapping against skin was all you could hear. All you needed was for him to choke you a little harder and you would be done for.

And Dan, when you begged for it with such a pleasing fucking needy voice, was once more happy to indulge in such a desire; all too happy to squeeze your throat a little tighter as his movements stuttered and became sloppy, his mouth open as he paused and came in your ass. He wasn't about to stop, though, fucking his cum into your ass until he felt yours splatter across him, making him groan softly as he rode you through every blissful second, his hand never leaving your throat.

The smell of sweat and sex and lube thick in the air when you eventually finished, getting off of his cock and whimpering slightly at how fucking empty you felt.

"Do you want a shower?" Dan asked kindly, softly. All that dominance slipping from him as he looked at you.

You nodded. "Only if you fuck me in the shower."

"I think that can be arranged, puppy."

if you liked this fic, REBLOG IT - you SHOULD reblog it; spam likers WILL be blocked. as will blogs that refuse to reblog or to give feedback. if you don't wanna reblog, then you'll get blocked; reblogging is the BARE MINIMUM. don't just "like", REBLOG

[bluebird-in-a-cagedrawing]

Nightmare AU part 19

Warning:Romance...if you don't like romance (kissing, holding hands or poetry) then you can skip this part...

Summary:The boys decide to do something sweet for their girlfriends ❤️ What could go wrong?

This is set 4 days later after part 18

Le souris bonbon neige:" Pss, Amstran the moon dancer come here for a moment...We have an emergency meeting!"

Hester the photo marksmen:"Since lately our female friends are down, how about we do something nice for them."

Staran the galaxy man:"Yes, that is a great idea, i also can bring my new friend, Polestar the star sprite, they are my mate!"

Faith the head rabbit:"This is ridiculous! I want to make the tart, i know my Master better than anyone here, i know what she likes!"

Le souris bonbon neige:"Mm, i can feel it... Love is in the air and eyes shape as a hearts!Faith the head rabbit pass the strawberries please! "

Amstran the moon dancer:"We need red candles, i can't find any of them in the hotel!"

Hester the photo marksmen:"So, is everything ready? Do you have your outfit? Can we call the girls?"

Faith the head rabbit:"I've already send the invitations!"

Luna the moon demon:"What is all this about? Ha, a romantic evening with you, how disappointing!

"Hester the photo marksmen:"If it was, you wouldn't have been here, Lunica... I know you and i know you are curious even a little."

Hester the photo marksmen:"Your dark red eye like a ruby, stroke my heart to pieces, divine creature from other world with a sadness voice let me be your light, let go of the past, let our bodies fly deep into the air far away from here..."

Sky Coeur the detective :"I'm a bit nervous i'm not that good at poetry!"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Don't worry, neither am I...ehe, but still i will give it a try. Wonderful Hester the photo marksmen!"

Staran the galaxy man:"Well, i will go, my turn... It will be simple and childish just as my sweet Polestar the star sprite here. Aham, what is this feel in my chest? I once again embrace the warm feeling your eyes gave me, your eyes like a piece of coal... Ah, something, to be honest poetry is not my strength, eh... I will keep it simple: I'm the Earth and you are the Sun, the center of the Universe! "

Amstran the moon dancer:"Now we have the music moment, i would love to play the violin for my girlfriend and of course for the other couples!"

Selena the trophy ice skater:"Oh Amstran the moon dancer, i always like how you play it, you have so much passion..."

Nishya the dream cat:"Lucky you, go Amstran the moon dancer, may i suggest next melody to be The larke ascending?"

Amstran the moon dancer:"I would love to, have anyone more suggestions?"

Amstran the moon dancer:"For dessert each one of us made a delicious tart, hope you like it!"

Luna the moon demon:"This is not bad, i enjoy it, well done Hester the photo marksmen!"

Nishya the dream cat:"Yummy, i just need to know the recipe, what is your secret Sky Coeur the detective?"

Faith the head rabbit:"Who is ready for fireworks!?"

Selena the trophy ice skater:"Fireworks, what a perfect idea to end this wonderful date!"

Luna the moon demon:"I agree, you boys were impressing, thank you for this wonderful night!"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Hey Donut are you sleeping?"

Donut:"Mm, Amstran the moon dancer? No, i just put the babies into their bed, is the date over already?"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Well, yeah... Mm, i made you this tart, probably is cold by now, i want to know that you are important for us."

Donut:"That is so sweet of you, thank you!"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Donut, would you come with me, the night isn't over yet so let's go, we still have some time left."

Donut:"Huh, where? Amstran the moon dancer wait, just a second...There i'm ready now..."

Amstran the moon dancer:"Come on, Donut let me put this blindfold, it's a surprise!"

Donut:"Wait, what where are we going?"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Here we are Donut, you can take off your blindfold, what do you think?"

Donut:"Oh wooow, this is breath taken, never knew it it has such a gorgeous view at the lake, and it's full moon! I love the moon here!"

Amstran the moon dancer:"You look nice in this dress, blue is your color Donut...probably i said this so many times...Aren't you freezing, here my coat, we will be here for a while! Would you like me to sing something?"

Donut:"No, this is perfect... Thank you Amstran the moon dancer!"

Amstran the moon dancer:"No need to thank me, Donut..."

Donut:"May I give you a kiss on the cheek?"

Amstran the moon dancer:"Oh, wait... What? I...Nevermind...Thank you!"

Donut:" The perfect way to end the night..."

Amstran the moon dancer:" Yes, now i agree with you, Donut!"

Donut:"Good night Amstran the moon dancer!"

..................................................................................

Donut belongs to @blogdeepdonutfatality

..............................................................................

Part 1 till part 18 ->

[babyeijra]

Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert

January 22, 2021

Okay, so it’s been a while since I last made an entry in this blog

I feel like I had to write something about what happened today because I wanted to get over something that I know will bug me if I don’t vent it or say anything about it.

I have always known that I have social phobia. Even without being clinically tested or what do you call it, psychological testing or diagnosis from a professional(?), I know I have social anxiety. I just don’t know what degree, but I know it’s there. Since elementary and high school, I was a quiet kid. I never speak unless spoken to, I don’t even interact with relatives, cousins, or strangers I just met. I have always been like that. I was afraid to be called in class, I get mental blocks when I get called even when I know the answer (this really happened), that’s why I don't participate in class recitations, and activities (unless forced). If I get called, my mind blanks, my heart pounds so hard, and I could feel the blood rush through my whole body and to my brain. Then if I stutter, I feel like I don’t know what I was saying, l feel like I’m being laughed at secretly and I would think of it hours, even days after what happened. And I learned that by writing it and reading more about my condition, and reading from other people’s (with social anxiety) experiences, that’s when I could get past one mistake or move on from my shame. When I read that there are others just like me and have experienced what I went through or going through, is only when I could move on from ONE mistake. But then, until when am I going to be like this? I honestly thought I got passed this social anxiety. That what I had was just acute social phobia, nothing too serious, that I will not experience anxiety to my adulthood, that I could now proceed of dreaming to be a lawyer since I passed high school, college, and now a CPA working in the government. I got passed a lot of interviews when I was just trying to find work as a fresh graduate. I thought, maybe nervousness during interviews, or presentations is just normal?

But now that I think about it, I had always needed days, even weeks of preparation and practice to get passed simple interviews. I had always had sleepless nights thinking of the days of interview. In high school I had always needed to study 5 times, even 10 times harder just so I wouldn’t get left behind, because I lack class participation. I always though I was stupid or stupidest person in class, I had always envied my classmates who can get through being called and being made to stand to answer and yet giving the wrong answer, because they seem like they were answering a question like it’s nothing, being called to stand is nothing, reporting in front of class is nothing, speaking and interacting with others is nothing. But for me, it’s not a simple “nothing”. I would think about it, I would remember my embarrassment when I stutter, or get mental blocks and gave the wrong answer, I would remember the judging stares (my mind probably had created).

I could recount, even today, how my high school English teacher, embarrassed me had called me to answer the last question, in front of everyone. The previous questions I had mentally answered and got them all right, after they were discussed or when my classmates had got it also right after they were called to answer. It was coincidental or I don’t know, that the last question was given to me. I had already made up my mind on the answer to the last question before being called. But when I was called, I don’t know what happened. My mind went black, and every symptoms of a social anxious person (from what I read from others’ experiences), I had really felt. I missed to give the right answer which I had already made up before. It just went away, I tried many times and I still had given a different answer, During that time, I really forgot what I answered in my head.  Didn’t I say, I went blank? And so this teacher made it worse by saying,  “If you got the highest score in the exam, you have to prove it, otherwise I would think you cheated” (nonverbatim). Okay now that I think about it, was she allowed to say that to a student? (I want to know the answer to this). I felt embarrassed then, but no one can deny the fact, that I did get the highest score on her exam. I really studied hard (like five times hard) and I listened well in class in high school and not because I wanted to compete with others, but I really had an interest to learn, and I also thought I was stupid and might fail (because of my lack of participation) that’s why I had to recoup by studying. I had the lowest self confidence and self esteem then. It was the lowest of the low. Surprisingly, actually, I graduated high school as salutatorian, and I dreaded it. I never wanted to be salutatorian. I never want to make a speech in front of many people, on the stage in an open space, at the University Quadrangle. I thought, maybe I’ll just get the “1st honorable mention” (3rd in the batch) or even 5th place, because I knew, what would pull me down (even though I sometimes or often times get the highest scores in exams and quizzes; Math, Science, Physics, and others included. Okay maybe except Filipino) was my lack of participation.

But yeah. Surprised? I was the salutatorian? Although it made me proud after I learned this from our class adviser (also our trigonometry teacher), but the next second I felt was, dread. “Oh shoot! I had to make a speech. I had to speak in front of everyone!”. Did you know, I even cried inside the Teacher’s room, in front of all the teachers, when we, I and another classmate who was the valedictorian, was asked to rehearse our speech in front of them? I was so nervous, I was crying while I was trying to speak (and the tears were not happy tears). I was so nervous that it made me cry. Can you imagine that? And you know what, the teachers actually thought? That I was crying because of happy tears, but I said to them, it’s because, “Gina kulbaan ako”(I’m really nervous). I should tell you, that when I said “crying”, I was spasm-sobbing (you know that sound you make when you cry, you get breathing spasms or hiccups) and had runny nose. I was a mess inside that teacher’s room. When I got out, my valedictorian classmate asked, “Ngaa nag hibi ka?” (Why did you cry). Yup, this happened. I need not relay to you what happened during the graduation. It would take up the time. Oh yeah!, I tried to think of ways to skip delivering the Salutatory Speech, like searching “how to get colds” so my voice will get coarse. I guess I would say, I never want to experience that (Salutatory Speech) again! And I had more also experiences in college. Like when we had to stand in front of the Audio Visual Room. And recite a (I think it was a long poem or verse). I was able to memorize it, but when I got in front. Well, you guessed it. I panicked and had a mental block. *sigh*

Wow, I actually made a long entry about my high school experiences as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert. I haven’t even gotten work experience yet. Huh!

I guess I need to let everyone first know the struggle of being a Socially Anxious Introvert from childhood experience POV, or what one feels like when speaking in front of everyone. So please, don’t judge this entry. What happened today, during our online Legal research class was, we had an oral exam about a hearing observation we had of a case. It was the easiest question by our Professor (who is a MCTC Judge) I think out of everyone’s. But I wasn’t prepared for the easiest question. I prepared for different questions and not the one she asked. So yeah, I blanked, stuttered and I guess and most probably flunked. Now you may be asking. Why did I enter Law School if I have a Social Anxiety? If you really read everything above, you’ll get the answer.

PS, I used at least 2 and a half hours of writing this entry. I have final exams next week. But I know I really couldn’t concentrate if all I think about was what happened 3 hours ago. I wanted to move on from a mistake and embarrassment. I really feel like and did sound stupid answering that SIMPLE question.

Now, what do you think? Should I give up Law School? Or try and conquer my fears in Law School? Do I even have a chance? Do you think I’m being brave? or being stupid for taking up Law but can’t even speak properly.

Any answer from anonymous person will be appreciated. Even if it’s a discouraging answer. I should accept the truth, whatever truths there would be. When I said, “don’t judge” I don’t mean it. Judge all you want really. It is the fact of the world. We even do it unconsciously.

PSS (is there such?), I have found a site (just now, while looking for pictures) that also talks about dealing with Social Anxiety in Law School (http://www.thelegalduchess.com/2018/08/dealing-with-social-anxiety-in-law.html). So I guess I’m not the only one. (by Sam Smith lol, unrelated content but still a good song). 

Will take time to read it. But, I need to study after this entry. (ugh! 😖The horror, I have a lot to cover for the finals and I have wasted so much time). I feel a lot better after writing this. So I guess it was not wasted time after all.

PPS: 12:17 am more than 4 hrs since my bad recit. I still can't concentrate. I have now been watching youtube about moving on from bad recits. I still cringe everytime I remember it, quite often. That's why I dont think I can remember what I read. Also, I'm writing this because I remember something. Studying harder is now 10 times harder to do in law school, especially if you are a full time, full load, working student. I couldn't prepare well for the next class, and I couldn't prepare for all possible questions as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert (which means all questions my mind could think of, because like I said, there'd be no time). And what makes it more embarrassing and humiliating, I have a classmate who is also a coworker (she's in a different work group) and her husband is also my coworker in the same work group.