#I'm actually not as sad now as I was when I left last June

[morethanwords0475]

I was so nervous in the hours before I went to see C. so nervous it felt like I was going to be sick. so nervous I actually woke up sick. it didn't feel like the giddy excitement from when I went back to school for that event back in June, maybe because the last time I saw him didn't go super well and I was worried that that's just what we were like now. and I feel bad about being back so soon.

but it did go well. it went really well. I got to chat with him for two hours about anything and everything. how our lives have been going. he's still so much like before, and he still feels so close to me. it maybe doesn't feel as exclusive and special as when I was still in school, but having a normal relationship with him now is incredible. he's letting me come back in June to get some school experience and said he'd mentor me, we'll get to spend time together again.

June will come.

[birgittesilverbae]

They (whoever you’d like) celebrate Ava’s birthday, the year that she turns older than Shannon was? (Sorry this one’s sad)

Ava turns away from the bonfire and waits for her eyes to adjust before she scans the darkness of the beach. Mary's sitting in the sand down towards the curve of the shore, silhouetted in the moonlight. Ava works her hand free of Bea's, kisses the backs of her knuckles. "I'll be back in a bit," she promises.

Her back aches with the movement of standing and she takes a moment to bend double, to let gravity tug at her spine, raids the cooler for two of Bea's sparkling waters and trudges down the beach. Mary doesn't look up at her approach, just leans back on her hands and digs her feet into the sand. 

"Hey, kid," she says, almost soft enough to be swallowed by the low rumble of the waves.

"Hey." She settles down at Mary's side, places one of the drink cans near her hip. "How old do I have to be before you stop calling me that?"

Mary's body stiffens as though to a gut punch. "This old, probably," she admits, gaze still fixed out at sea. "Otherwise I'm going to start feeling like I'm calling Shan a kid, and that'd just be weird."

Ava wets her lips. "Is this–"

"You're older now than she ever was."

Ava nods, fiddles with the tab of her can. "When was her birthday?"

"She didn't take a new name when she joined, so she got St. Senan's patron day. March 8th."

"I meant her actual birthday?"

Mary's mouth goes lopsided. "The summer solstice," she admits quietly. "June 21st."

"Oh." Ava's shoulders fall, and she gnaws at her lip before continuing. "Is that… Is that what you and Bea were doing last week? Celebrating her birthday?"

"Beatrice didn't tell you?"

Ava shakes her head. "She said it wasn't her place."

Mary scoffs a little. "It's as much her place as mine," she replies, casting a glance towards the bonfire. "But yeah. We went back to Antequera. Back to the old Cat's Cradle." Her voice catches in her throat, and Ava reaches across the chasm between them, lays her hand beside Mary's. Mary grasps it, hangs on tight. "Sorry, Ava, I didn't mean to get all fucking emotional tonight."

"It's okay. Do you two do that every year?"

"All but the first after she– All but the first after she died. I went alone that year." 

Ava picks at the thread Mary's left hanging. "Because she was too busy mourning me?"

"Something like that." She squeezes Ava's hand. "I didn't begrudge her it then and I don't now, you know. I'm glad she's got you. I'm glad I didn't have to watch her turn into me."

"Turn into what, a badass?"

"Yeah, sure." Mary's teeth glint bright in the moonlight as she cracks a smile. "So glad I got to watch her turn into a lovesick softie instead."

[doll-elvis]

I’ve seen these photos of Priscilla on Pinterest and she looks so upset, do you know if there’s any back story behind these photos

hello and thank you very much for sending in this ask ꨄ︎!!

I’ve always been too distracted by that absolute unit of strawberry-blonde hair on Priscilla’s head to notice her expression but after closer observation I think you’re completely right in your assessment of her mood- sis was looking like she would rather be anywhere else 😭

after a quick google search and finding out that these photos were taken in April (sometime after the 23rd) of 1966, her expression started to make all the more sense

and not only is the date important for the context of these photos, but that unit of hair could also be very important

just a quick disclaimer: since Priscilla herself hasn’t spoken on these photos anything I say below is merely my own speculation as to why she may have looked upset on that day

To begin, according to Peter Guralnick's "Careless Love”, Elvis had just finished filming for his 22nd picture Spinout, in California, when he returned to Memphis with Priscilla on April 23rd. And so by knowing that they were photographed together in the meditation garden sometime in April, it’s safe to assume it was likely after the 23rd as they were in California for the weeks before

The film Spinout is relevant in this as 1. His costar was Shelley Fabares who he had a crush on 2. One of Elvis’ and Priscilla’s biggest arguments occurred during the filming of Spinout while they were in California and the cause of their argument was reason number one… Shelley Fabares

Both the Memphis Mafia and Shelley herself have confirmed that the relationship never went beyond anything platonic as she was faithful to her partner but nonetheless Elvis and her spent a lot of time together and formed a close bond

Naturally, Priscilla became suspicious that an affair was taking place and so she expressed to Elvis that she wanted to meet Shelley which then led to the first time that he had ever threatened get rid of her ⬇️

(read from left to right + click photos to see full text)

excerpt is from “Elvis and Me” by Priscilla Presley

(I believe this argument will appear in the upcoming film as Jacob Elordi says the line “I don’t have a goddamn thing to hide” in the recently released trailer)

No exact day was given for when this argument took place, it could have been the first week of filming or it could have been the last, but I would imagine having Elvis tell you to get all your things and leave would cause a lasting sort of sadness and have you questioning just how important you were to him even after going back to Memphis/Graceland

And this kind of thing actually happened a few times while they were together. Sonny West once said that Elvis’ greatest defense was offense meaning that if you were to approach him about something i.e Priscilla approaching him about his infidelities, Elvis’ response would be to turn the tables and put the pressure on you i.e telling Priscilla that he wanted her gone ⬇️

excerpt is from “Elvis: What Happened?” By Sonny and Red West, along with Dave Hebler

Another instance ⬇️

excerpt is from “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia” by Alanna Nash

Tbh as much as I love Elvis this is why I do hold a lot of sympathy for the friends and women in his life (even the ones I don’t personally like) because he tended to give ultimatums as a way to get what he wanted

“If you don’t like this, then leave… if you don’t want to do this, then leave…” and he did that because he knew most people would choose to stay

Now, the significance of that unit of strawberry blonde hair is purely speculative, but I'm wondering whether Priscilla started dyeing her hair that color to resemble Ann Margret as Elvis was quite melancholic over the fact that Ann and her boyfriend Roger Smith were spending so much time together during that time, infact, they were engaged just 2 months later in June of 1966

The affair between Ann Margret and Elvis lasted only a year after they met while filming Viva Las Vegas, so it doesn't make much sense that Priscilla would start dying her hair strawberry-blonde 3 years later (although she did try to emulate Ann in 1963) but it could be possible, and knowing that Elvis was still thinking about Ann Margret in April of 1966 would definitely be enough to make her upset at the time

What do y’all think?

[fatuismooches]

And... that's it! Kabukimono's "The Puppet's Lessons" series is over! Phew, that was a long journey. A total of 20.7k words and 49 pages on my Google Docs. June 6 to November 3rd... wow i am a slow writer 😍 He's very thankful for all the things you've taught him! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, it was a pleasure to write. Seeing all of your comments and reblogs made me incredibly happy, i am overjoyed you all loved it that much, it was all worth it ❤️ (Also is this a sign for me to start writing angst more?? I'm genuinely blown away by how much comments the last few lessons got, like shit y'all want me to make you sad?? 😭)

Though, I hope I didn't focus too much on other characters outside of Scara and you. I just find writing about how other characters view you a very interesting and fun thing to do. Specifically Traveler lol. And Nahida, with Scara’s and Dottore’s partner. Scara because you’re dating her nephew… she gotta know you! Dottore because even though she wouldn’t like either of you, she can’t help but want to study you since it’s fascinating to her that someone has the capacity to love Dottore and that Dottore has the capacity to genuinely love. Ei and Yae's thoughts on you would also be interesting. And i hope it didn't get too lore-ish? I'm not sure if people find incorporating lore boring but yea lmao.

And now that the Kabukimono series is over, I kind of want to start a new one. Initially I was thinking of a single drabble thingy regarding the message of “Dottore knows he’s a monster but when he’s with you, he feels more human than he wants to admit” and I was like, that can apply to all of them, so maybe I can make the series of them realizing you’re the reason why they have some ounces of humanity left. I don't actually know what I would write but it's something 😅

I've also contemplated doing a series with Akademiya Zandik but i have no new ideas and I've talked about him way too much lmao. He's in time out for a bit. If you have potential series ideas for one character or all the harbingers I’d love to hear them 😊 (please give me ideas. 😛😛)

Now, I return back to my Dottore fic (which is now 16k+ words, with no end in sight <3) (Also, if you thought the Kabukimono series was sad, wait until you read the ending of this fic, hahahahahaha- the urge to drop the snippet is so much but i can't spoil this. nope. I also will have to end up splitting the fic into parts though because i know no one is gonna sit here and read through all of that.)

Also i sincerely apologize for not answering asks for a while, I'm just trying to make time for my college assignments, my job, personal life, and also finding time to write actual fics too sooo I'm really sorry 😭(This got way too long.)

[simsstuph]

Mama watched as she pealed the potatoes she was using for supper from the kitchen window. It overlooked the front of the house and you could see almost the entire block from that window. As soon as she saw the red hot rod pull up to let Danny out she quickly slipped her apron off over her head and made her way outside to catch him.

LouAnn: Danny, a word please?

Mama was well respected on our block.

Danny: How are you, Mrs. Cavello?

LouAnn smiled: Just fine, thank you for asking and yourself?

Danny was a bit nervous: Good. [he glanced around nervously].

LouAnn clasped her hands together in front of herself: Danny, I won't take up much of your time, I know you're a busy boy these days. I see you coming and going at all hours from my front window.

Danny cleared his throat waiting for her to begin.

LouAnn: I just wanted to let you know of my concern about you throwing cigarettes at my daughter.

Danny was left speechless and she could see his cheeks flush with a deeper pink.

LouAnn: Now, I'm not here to scold you or tell you how bad your behavior was, you're a sensible person, you ought to know what a terrible act that was. I'm just asking you not do it again.

Danny became sad: I'm real sorry Mrs. Cavello. There ain't no excuse as to why I did that to June and I do apologize for it.

LouAnn: I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. I've known you since you were just a boy, it isn't much like you to be foolish. I've got to get back inside to finish supper.

When in reality, she knew school had just let out and the last thing she wanted was June to see them talking after she had promised not to say a word.

He shoved a hand into his pocket: Understood ma'am. Please tell June how sorry I am..

LouAnn smiled at him graciously: Oh dear, that is something you need to do for yourself not because I made you feel that you had to.

LouAnn started to walk back towards her front stoop when she stopped in her tracks and turned back toward Danny quickly: And Danny, quit smoking those cigarettes, they're no good.

Danny watched her walk away, he actually felt remorse and not just because she knew about what he did.

[acourtofthought]

regarding your previous anon I just wanted to say that in a fairly recent livestream/interview deal she did in the last few years she said 'not much has changed since my initial drunken ramblings in the beginning' I'm paraphrasing there, but I don't think she's gonna make any big ship changes when she's close to wrapping up the series (also it was so funny to see e/riel's being all over that like it was ever planned from the beginning lololol)

YESSSS!!!!

If you ever find out exactly which one that was, I would love to know because I remember hearing that but have since forgotten where so I was never able to include a screenshot or link in my posts. She said "not much has changed from that initial pitch but the world has now expanded".

If we think back to that drunken rambling and when she pitched her ideas to her then editor, we were told a few things.

She said she knew who the first two spin-off books would be about but she was keeping the third open. For the third, she was debating between 5 possible ships and was considering a book set Pre ACOTAR.

That particular drunk lunch took place in 2016 (I'm guessing) as she was still drafting ACOWAR.

If, in 2016, she knew who the first two spin-off books would be about then logically, who did that mean?

Nesta and Elain. Especially when she says in multiple interviews she would love to tell the sisters stories one day and we know she had already done research for Elain's book while pregnant with her first child who was born in June of 2018.

Who also had the most buildup as a possible love interest for the sisters in ACOMAF / ACOWAR? (around the same time she said she knew who she wanted the first two books to be about?).

Cassian and Lucien hands down. Lucien's ENTIRE story in ACOWAR was based around worrying for Elain's safety, fighting his way to be by her side, helping her through her depression, going after an army based on her vision, giving her time to deal with her engagement to Graysen, running all the way from the shore to find her after battle, his having met her father, her inviting him back to Velaris, him standing beside her during the meeting at the end of the book.

Az and Elain might have had a few "moments" in ACOWAR that E/riels use for their proof of endgame but Az was still 100% in love with Mor when you consider that he still looked at her with hunger in ACOFAS while Elain was sitting in the room with him. The question at the end of ACOWAR was not "will Elain and Az get together" but "what will Elain and Lucien do about her mating bond now that she invited him back to Velaris". When the author wasn't sure who was getting the third book and everything suggests Elain was getting the second, all signs pointed to Elain and Lucien as the main POV especially when you consider that as an individual Lucien also had way more buildup than Az in ACOWAR. He was SA by Ianthe, chased out of his home in Spring, was feeling sadness over not having a home when Feyre slipped into his head, guilt over Jesminda, the pull to Elain, the reader (but not Lucien himself) finding out Helion is his actual father, and he fought in his first war. SJM left us with too many unresolved plots for Lucien to not give him a book.

It wasn't until after the release of SF and she was discussing it that she made the comment above "my plan for the intial spin-offs didn't change but the world expanded."

And you know what expanded?

Az suddenly got a bit more of a mysterious background, he got a bonus with hints of a possible mating bond, and SJM introduced the possibility of time-travel what with Merrill's research and the Trove's ability to open doors between worlds. Az ended up connected to the crossover.

THEN it was later announced that she was contracted for additional books (and maybe a new series).

If her intial plan didn't change then Nessian and Elucien were always going to be resolved first and now Az's romantic arc / journey is the direction she decided to take things after finishing the main story of the Archern sisters.

Yes, Az and Elain nearly kissed and had a harmless flirtation going on but it never got off the ground did it?

Ever since the Elucien bond snapped into place, the real question has not been "will Elain and Az end up together" but "will Elain and Lucien end up accepting their mating bond?" And just as SJM had Nesta share experiences with others before ending up with Cassian, she had Elain attempt to have an experience with Az but I don't think he was ever meant to be more than a slight detour in the Elucien journey so as to make their path to one another a bit more tension filled. And I think the reason SJM introduced Az's possible mate in his bonus is that she didn't want readers to feel bad for him for too long because even though she's on track for an Elucien endgame, we know that Az isn't going to be sad for very long as he's got his own mate waiting in the wings.

[shieldmaiden-93]

Hello! Oh man where do I start. So, the last time I was ever on Tumblr was back in 2014-15. So, A LOT has changed since the last I was on here. I had an account but I have lost any memory of my information to it so where ever it's at, is a mystery lol

I was barely in my 20s then and I am now 31 years old. The things I used to follow on my old account is actually saddening thinking about it right now. I was so sick and dealing with so many undiagnosed stuff I wish I could hug old me and tell her that everything is okay.

Right now I've learned, and still learning, a lot about myself since then. Dealing with major depression and anxiety. And battling an eating disorder that almost killed me. And now knowing that through out my entire life, I was Autistic. It honestly explains SO much of me now. Back then I used to think I was broken. But now I know, I'm not.

I got out of a 8 year relationship with someone who I thought I'd be with the rest of my life. At the time I thought I couldn't be loved or didn't deserve to be loved. I was also very confused thinking I was something that I am not. I don't regret that relationship, but I'm glad it happened too.

2020, although a scary and horrible time for the world, I found the person I would end up falling in love with. I wasn't looking for it, it just happened. Who would've known that I'd fall in love with someone through a video game called Overwatch and streaming service called Twitch right? Can't leave out that it was also through a streamer who played the game Overwatch. I still can't believe it myself.

I was 27 almost 28 at the time, and my partner was 20 almost 21. (Yes, I am the oldest, me, the women) We were still in the beginning stages of talking. Then came the flirting all the time and then it just kind of happened. He was extremely handsome, smart, very funny. And the bonus of it all, he was Australian!

Want to know the sad part? I'm American. I have no job because of my disabilities, and I live with my parents after ending it with my ex. I lived with him for 8 years too. But my parents let me come home.

Australia had always been one of my dream locations to visit. My best friend loved Australia too. My mother also loved Australia.

Also you can probably already tell, our relationship ends up being a long distance one. We didn't get to see each other in person for 2 and a half years. When we did finally get to meet each other, it was as if I was finally home. That connection we had from all those late night and early morning messages, photos back to back. It was as if I had known him forever. July 4th, 2023 was the year we finally met. I was there with him for 3 months on 3 month VISA.

That 3 months wasn't enough

It is January 15th, 2025 as I write this. I miss him more than any words can describe. Why was I given the best man in the world but we are forced to be apart? It's not fair

I could go on and on and on about him and my time with him, but that can be for a whole other post.

About that game Overwatch I was talking about. That game has been my life since 2018. That game has been my therapy. I used to go to therapy for a few years until Overwatch came a long. My best friend introduced it to me and ever since then I haven't left. My favorite characters are Brigitte, Mercy, Widowmaker, Ashe, D.va, Sym, and Moira. I honestly love all the characters but those are the ones I play the most. My profile picture I have currently is a picture of Mercy I drew June of 2024. It was done digitally. I have no idea how to do digital art I just drew as if I had a pencil and paper. It's not perfect at all and I never intended it to be perfect. I will insert the full picture here

It is her hero selection pose. Rose Gold Mercy skin. I drew it right when they released pink Mercy after all those years. I never got the chance to get it back then and I was very sad to hear they wouldn't bring it back. But because of the cause and how much everyone wanted this skin to come back, it came back and we raised almost 13 million dollars!! It all went to BCRF (Breast Cancer Research Foundation) I was very happy to have been apart of that and that all the new players who never got the chance to get Pink Mercy, and the new Rose Gold re-color.

But anyway, I guess that's a little or my get to know me. Oh wait a minute, I totally forgot something (good job me. Good job brain) so, my name is Tiffani. But I go by Shield. Shield Maiden came from Brigittes Shield Maiden skin. And I am a Brig main along with being a Mercy main. So, it all stayed.

I think I'm going to try to post here. As more of a get to know me, and all that stuff. I'll even try to post some of my Overwatch clips here too. Because of the whole tiktok ban I need to find other sources for my time and my best friend reminded me of this app. I do have a tiktok but if that app does get banned in America in a few days, where else am I going to post my clips? I know there are other apps out there but like, I just never get the right audience.

So anyway, imma end this here. If anyone here who happens to have read this far, (thank you, you are the best) or would like to see my Overwatch clips, and get to know my brain. Please feel free to follow! And please, no bullying or any of that kind. I want this to be a safe place.

[moe-broey]

Yesterday I remembered Soul Silver existed

I love how my team is like... a mix of basic and huh. Where'd you get That..... that's kinda the gimmick behind it though! Plus, making choices I typically wouldn't make. Like, usually I'd pick Umbreon over Espeon, I've never actually used the red Gyarados in a playthrough before. There are some Pokemon in Johto that are near impossible for me to say no to though (Chikorita line they could NEVER make me hate you.... Togepi line is Always a given for me. But even then, I'm p sure you're not supposed to have the stone to fully evolve it at this point -- I traded one in!)

Most notable team members...

This was a lucky find! I wasn't even using the Radar. Impulsively I REALLY wanted to shiny hunt one, so I set up the garden to get Porygon encounters (that Pearl is semi-fresh as well), and... literally. Just a few random encounters. I fucking ran into this guy. Insane. I've kinda opted not to fully evolve it! I think it's soooo cutes... I love Porygon-Z too, but I also had one on my team in that Pearl file I mentioned LMFAO. So it was neat actually! Getting a feel for how Porygon-2 is different than Porygon-Z! I also just love.... the rubber duckie of it all... the. It's literally called a drinking bird? The desk toy. Okay. Well I love that too! It's very cute!!!

This one.... you know it. We all know it. The HG/SS starter hunt. REALLY fun hunt! But man. To be so real Iggy is bittersweet, to me. I went through a really rough patch where I couldn't get myself to enjoy Pokemon anymore when I first came out as trans. I tried really hard to make what was given to me... work. So a lot of my old Pokemon/save files had my deadname as the OT (and even if they didn't, they'd always be the girl trainer). It's kinda sweet, though. I've long since nuked that save. Iggy is the soul (hah) survivor of it. A second chance at life, perhaps? It was really nice to actually use him on a team, after being dormant all these years. And... yeah okay fine Typhlosion is fucking good. Okay. I'll admit it. Still I will live and die by my pokey ass flower dinosaur it's CUTE. OKAY. WHATEVER... (which is to say! Newfound appreciation for the Cyndaquil line! It's a Pokemon I never felt especially strongly about prior!)

And! The rest!

Again just most basic run of the mill Johto team ever. Special shoutouts to Shrimp for carrying my ass against Lance (everybody say thank you Ice Fang). Poly2 ALSO carried during that fight though (everybody say thank you Discharge -- also Poly2 is surprisingly defensive? Huh!). Everyone did their part though! (... Chikpea's part is to look cute). Also having an Espeon on my team (miss Lulu...) DOES fill me w an INCREDIBLE YEARNING for the radioactive toxic slutch bitch.................... I really didn't want to stop everything and hunt for it for god knows how long though. Not here. Not now. Another place... maybe.

The BIGGEST reason I wanted to just buckle down and tear the bandaid off though (save was abandoned like right at Victory Road lmfao), is. I really want to See. If I can get the endlessly time consuming and convoluted Safari Zone set up before/just in time for June. I think I started a little late if I want it fully decked out, but. Really the biggest struggle I run into lately w Pokemon is just feeling... aimless. I Can have fun if I have a set goal in mind. But I think the sadness of having to uproot everything and start over and over and over again just never left.

I need NEW sadness. EXCITING sadness. EXHILARATING SADNESS. I have to do Safari Week. I Have To. I HAVE TO‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️IT WILL FIX ME BY BREAKING ME I HAVE TO DO SAFARI WEEK AND I HAVE TO DO IT ALL THE FUCKING WAY OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

I actually did a hint of Safari Week last year in Leaf Green, no goal in mind, very noncommittal (also didn't find anything, for better or worse lmfao). I only have one cart as well. Nothing fancy. I think it could be more rewarding (and less painful. Maybe.) if I could do hunts across dif games! I'm compelled by the Hoenn Safari too, but... feels like.... too much set up.... <- guy who's picking the infinitely more set up heavy option LMFAOOO

BUT I THINK. SS HAS POTENTIAL. ESP in the variety of Pokemon you can encounter if you put the work/research in. Plus is just an objectively cool game to have shinies in! I also just kinda like the idea that it gives me something to work towards, maybe. If I lose a shiny, I'll want to reclaim it. Reclaiming run away shinies can sometimes be a yearly process, when you partake in Safari Week! There's also just very specific things I like about Safari hunting actually... like the understanding that just SEEING specific Pokemon as shinies is an incredible rarity, nevermind actually catching them. Think Chansey, but also the white whale of the FR/LG Safari, the 1% Dragonair fishing encounter (not a single person has caught that specific encounter yet!!!!!! And I am not going for it. I'm leaving that to god's strongest warriors.)

Idk idk, I just think it's neat. And maybe I like the idea of taking immense emotional damage. It's enrichment... for me...... but I also really like the idea of participating in a community driven event, too! I don't know how strong of a presence it has outside of youtube, but! Shiny hunting while watching someone else shiny hunt will never get old. To me.

[interdimensionalburnout]

((Quick OOC post, and hopefully the last one I need to say about this recent drama in my personal life for a while. In the aftermath of this stupid fucking adventure, we still have to find a place to live long-term and get unpacked.

((Once I'm good and used to working 7AM to 3:30PM again, and this emotional bullshit's smoothed over, I can get back to having fun hobbies and put some more time into RP again!

((SO! What's happening to Mick! Bullet-points edition, as little word-salad as possible (I'm a prosy kinda fruitcake):

In April we found out mom had been "robbing Peter to pay Paul," and in doing so had racked-up a 16,000 dollah electric bill.

That happened at the same time the landlady wanted to send an appraiser to the house to assess value and damage, because she and her siblings want to sell it so they can pay to put their mother in a retirement home (I have strong opinions on that).

They never communicated with us, never even offered to transfer all the money we'd already paid in rent towards, you know, buying it ourselves.

They actually were kinda dickheads about it, but it's also fine because that house is a money-pit and they deserve each-other.

Mom bullshits the electric company, the landlady doesn't immediately kick us out, but we keep slowly packing anyway.

Eviction Notice in June, extended until the 28th of August.

Things keep getting heated, blame keeps getting thrown around.

The tension keeps rising to a boil. Lots of things get left behind in the move, personal items, valuable items. My plants had to be packed into a blue-box, likely dead by now.

Dad's work puts us up in Air B&B's until we can get into a house he's trying to buy. Dad gets a loan and a realtor, and finds out that Florida is a "Spousal State," meaning he can't get a house without his wife signing for it. Their marriage is on the fritz and has been for fifteen years (at this state, this thing was fucked as soon as they said "I Do.") but he was willing to sign a contract for the next 30 years with her anyway.

Things keep getting heated and mom's grip on everyone keeps fraying further. Moving five animals and four humans (one of whom is borderline immobile and infirm) takes two trips to Gettysburg, and then two trips to Florida.

The tension rises again, mom calls dad's job to try and cow him. She'd tried that once before, fifteen years ago when they almost divorced before, and back then dad told her that, "if you ever do that again, I'm getting a divorce."

I get a job super fucking fast and already put in eightish hours

Dad and I have to take off yesterday in order for him to finally drive mom back north. She takes the smallest dog, leaving her other dog with me and dad and jay (sibling), because she can barely take care of the small baby let alone both babies.

Dad will be driving back down to florida soon,

And the rest of our lives will, I guess, start.

He also asked his realtor to help us find a rental that'll take two medium-sized dogs and two small cats.

TL;DR- Mom and dad have been fighting in a flawed marriage from the minute they put rings on, their kids have been caught in the middle and it derailed our adult lives, but the (failed) move provided the final straw that broke the camel's back, and now mom is gone and we have to get on with our lives,

and I'm too numb about it to really feel happy or sad.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

No Christ | BODY BACK Update #4

We're totally going to ignore the fact that it's been 4 months since I last posted a writing update for this book! :)

If you aren't aware, from February-June I drafted a litfic novella called BODY BACK and this is the penultimate update! Harrison has a Shrek moment, feels existentially directionless, imagines a future with Jeremiah--and more! Post under the cut.

Logline: When the effects of 24-Karat Harrison wear off, Harrison is left to mend his fractured relationship with Jeremiah.

Update 1 | Update 2 | Update 3

BODY BACK taglist (please ask to be added or removed :))

@thelivingdeceased @writinglittlebeasts @cuntylittlesalmon @obssesedwithscandaledits @jaydewritesfiction@onomatopiya @euphoniouspandemonium @silassghost @strangerays @rodentwrites @wildswrites @saltwaterbells @encrucijada @cilantrospirit @kiki-is-writing

Writing when life changes & the impacts of place on process

So WHYYY did it take so long for this update to come out? WELL, I wrote the chapter three (24-Karat Harrison) update THE DAY I moved from my university city, and while that went well, the act of changing setting seriously disturbed my writing process.

I'd gotten very used to creating BODY BACK in a very specific way in a very specific place/in certain locations and hadn't considered that a drastic shift in my literal setting could jilt the actual book--as if it too had undergone a major change.

Writing in May was like learning a new craft all over again, which was beyond disorienting. My anxiety was at an all-time high, and No Christ really took the brunt of that discomfort. But now that the book is long over, I'm ready to finish up the updates!

Repetition turns into theme...

Early in writing BODY BACK (chapter 2), I wrote the phrase "Harrison's no Christ," which I then unexpectedly repeated several times in 24kH which made me realize "No Christ" would make a great title.

But "no Christ" wasn’t JUST repetition—the act of repetition created a theme. I love when smaller line-level literary devices can lend to MUCH larger things!

What does it mean to reach a climax of personhood (so you feel like a god) the night before, only to feel godless the next day after the excitement is over? The idea of "no Christ" isn't just that Harrison has no god to follow. I DID want to capture that feeling of faithlessness--when the prayers stop working, when God seems nowhere to be found, but I also wanted to EMBODY "no Christ." How IS Harrison "no Christ" despite seeing himself that way in 24kH?

The plot

No Christ takes place just a few hours after the end of 24-Karat Harrison.

Scene A:

Harrison, who fell asleep in a church, is awoken by a priest.

Scene B:

After disrupting the church service, Harrison heads to the parking lot where he sees a man who looks like his ex, Lonan.

Scene C:

Exhausted from the night before and shaken from the parking lot, Harrison returns to Jeremiah's apartment where he rejects Jeremiah's concern.

Scene D:

Harrison showers the remainders of 24-karat Harrison off, but feels crushed and directionless without the persona. Jeremiah attempts to comfort him.

Scene E:

To help Harrison's hangover, Jeremiah takes him to the restaurant his friend Biyu works at, but her bad impression of Harrison puts him in an awkward position.

Scene F:

Harrison and Jeremiah head to the Greta Arquette, the hotel Jeremiah works at, in a rush of connection.

Excerpts

CW: Mature content ahead. Implications of sex and suicidal ideation. Descriptions of violence.

The opening lines (WHICH apparently tiktok liked):

Harrison wakes to God’s eyes. Dim in this light like a rusted goblet of wine or blood or whatever the fuck. Sad, he thinks. Lusting. Violent in brass.

That leads into a really *sudden* and *intense* recollection of the night previous when Harrison encounters a man named Perry (a friend of Jeremiah's). It's very SUDDEN and very INTENSE lol so here's just a little bit:

They kissed to the sound of someone crying, touched each other the way he imagined Lucifer and Judas might. God’s most hated sons united in exile.

More Harrison and Perry (CW: violence)

As saliva snailed Harrison’s cheeks, he stared at the bathroom ceiling for a hand to reach for him, for a grave to appear. With Perry, he was the runoff, the ashes, the scraps of diary entries dashed into a wastebin. And this was all good, the spit, his desire to be both saved and dead, because it was motivation to knock a fist into Perry’s jaw so he clattered to the floor. He wasn’t the leftovers. The bronze medal. No one could make him feel that way again.

Harrison observes churchgoers:

His jaw overhangs the pew in front of him, a line of drool bisecting the wood. People scoot past him to take their seats—not just people, but believers, all cleanly pressed and ready for god. They’re wearing wingtips buffed with mink oil and Mary Janes heavy enough to bludgeon someone to death.

Harrison becomes interested in the choir when he sees a cute guy (REALLL):

A choir sets up by the frontmost row, unwinding cables, tuning guitars. One woman adjusts her eggplant vest while another fixes her own curl with spit. A married couple flits through sheet music and discuss their kid’s birthday party—little Timothy, little Michael, little James, or whatever generic name. A man with sparkly eyes and a faint scar from a lip piercing smiles at him from the piano. “What are they doing over there?” Harrison asks. The priest bristles. “Who?” “Those people. They’re a choir? I can sing.”

Cont'd - shrek moment/sir this is a place of worship:

He’s aware he’s being loud. He doesn’t need the stares as confirmation. What the fuck does anyone have to stare at anyway? Sure he’s a man with smeared silver eye makeup and mascara tears and a fur coat and another man’s chandelier earring and a cow-print cowboy hat, and what’s this too now, a pair of studded DKNY sunglasses that most certainly aren’t his—but what right do they have? He doesn’t waste his time with gods. He doesn’t need someone to save him at all. And here all these beady people are, their synthetic chiffon dresses like wannabe Charlotte’s webs, their bowties near strangling. They’ve woken up at dawn to do what? Beg a man who won’t listen to them? He’s been there, fucking done that. “Do any of you want pitchforks?” Harrison’s voice booms across the nave, his cheeks flaring.

We find out Harrison stole Perry's moped:

The priest jumps back as he rises, shaking out his sleeves. The movement sends a slim pair of keys flying toward the floor, but not just any keys. The image is as fleeting as a View Master’s neon shuffle, Harrison sweaty and rumpled on the bathroom floor, his head spinning like a taut thread around a spindle. In the velvet night, he hustled toward the club’s parking lot, not thinking about the man he’d abandoned in the stall, not thinking about the man he’d come here with. Something crushed under his boot—baby pink rose petals against the rain-dark pavement, Hansel’s pebbles that drew him forward and when his eyes landed on a teal moped parked in the lot’s north end, his focus was only on how good wind would feel through his too-long hair.

Harrison considers choir man’s potential life:

Harrison leaves when the choir’s mid Holy, Holy, Holy. He only stayed that long, skulking around the backmost pews, to stare at the way choir man’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He imagined kissing that spot. If it tasted like bergamot. If it tasted like eucharist. Maybe that man had a lover waiting at home for him who knew—a coppery chem student who’d kiss him wildly between whispered verses of Revelations, their penance to each other in evenings just as dozy as it was holy.

Harrison wonders what happened to Jeremiah after he left him at the club:

Where is Jeremiah now? Perhaps he found a ride back to his apartment complex with a man he invited inside, someone with tawny hair, jetty eyes. Harrison knows his place in Jeremiah’s life, in Jeremiah’s bed, but what’s he like alone? Perhaps he and the man touched gracefully like swans, recited Whitman on the carpet, shared a bunch of green grapes, talked about prophets, prayed the rosary.

Harrison notices a man who he thinks is Lonan (HE IS NOT):

In a past life, that lack of noticing would’ve been impossible, a fatal wound. But there he is, barely aware of the oil-dark hair—just a flash in the corner of his eye—rounding the parking lot. It’s that fast. His head snaps up and then he’s seeing him, his narrow body, his darting walk, his subtle clefted waves. He doesn’t need to check for the eyes, unmarred like the sky, because he’s running now, hat clattering off his forehead, held narrowly against his neck by the stampede strings. The man walks past a silver Acura—he’s a member of the congregation. Of course. But not just any member. This is where he’s been. On lonely midnights, Harrison’s wondered against all his admittance where he’s been in this city—if they’ve touched the same pavement, if they’ve cried at the same intersections. He’s dreamt about him, he’ll admit now, yearned for his hands again, their bony blueness, their abundant warmth. They’re dancing again in a cramped bathroom, in need of no other music but the other’s heartbeat. They’re blinking into cameraflash, silent as a Polaroid prints, holding each other the way the ocean holds itself. As Harrison runs, his face splits into a grin—relief, of course, because he’s hungry for that touch again, terrifying, careful, and here he is, approaching a car—a car, he’s driving—wearing a blue corduroy jacket, reaching for his keys, he’s leaving, he’s going to leave— Harrison yanks the man’s shoulders, his mouth formed so confidently around the name Lonan that he chokes the moment he sees the face.

Aaaand, how to get punched really fast by a stranger who has no idea why you're running up to him (CW: graphic violence):

When Harrison says nothing, too focused on the necklace, too focused on who isn’t standing in front of him, a fist clips his mouth and splits his lip right open. Blood starbursts the air, spats against the car’s windshield, his jaw cranking toward the sky, but he doesn’t notice the crows above or the flossy clouds because it’s August in the cabin again and there are Lonan’s knuckles connecting with his nose, an accident on purpose, his blood mirrored in that bathroom, and there are Perry’s callused hands, sharp with hangnails, steeled with rings, and Harrison might’ve been choked last night, might’ve wanted that, doesn’t want to remember at all. God makes men in his image, and those men know violence like an oath, a birthright.

Jeremiah questions Harrison about stealing Perry's moped:

Harrison adjusts the cowboy hat over his eyes. Segments of light shift through a hole in the crease. “I didn’t steal anything.” “So what were you doing with it?” “Borrowing it.” “Like my ring?” Harrison sits up, removes the hat from his eyes. The room re-saturates like a kitchen sponge in sudsy water and there’s Jeremiah. Clear-skinned, bright-eyed Jeremiah. He doesn’t look like a man who shared a joint with Harrison last night, who drank just as many cocktails on that dance floor and perhaps even more. He’s changed into a pair of ironed jeans and a white cotton button-up he hasn’t done up all the way. A gold herringbone necklace glints off his throat. Harrison sets the hat onto the chair arm. The moment it knocks against the fabric, he feels the urge to put it back on. “You said you weren’t upset about the ring.” Jeremiah opens his mouth. What’s he going to say? Fuck you. He could say that. He should. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Or, Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck do you think you are? Instead, he clasps his hands in front of him. “Perry’s not happy with you.” Harrison reaches into his pocket and yanks out the moped’s keys which are attached to a teal surfboard keychain. As he rises from the chair, he tosses the set with a clang and Jeremiah barely catches them. “He wasn’t happy about a lot of things.” “Where are you going?” Harrison rubs his eyes. In the momentary flashes of dark, he sees the face of the man from the parking lot. He can’t fight his own flinch. His lip throbs. He’d been so sure of himself. “To sleep.” “Perry says you tried to kill him.” Harrison laughs. “Good.” “Not good.” Jeremiah steps toward him. He smells of vanilla. Greek yogurt.

Harrison adventures in wanting to befriend animals pt. 2:

Maybe he’ll head out now. Walk west for forty minutes, find some water to touch, some better air to breathe. Jeremiah’s not all that far from Red Rock Canyon. He could lie in a field of larkspur, befriend a kit fox.

Harrison deflects emotional responsibility by asking about towels??:

Jeremiah sighs, crossing his arms. He must’ve washed his hair this morning too—it’s still damp at the roots and smells vaguely of roses. He deserves someone who’ll hold him on Thursday nights, who’ll watch reruns of Futurama with him on a blow-up mattress, pray for him in April and actually mean it. When he looks up, his eyes are rimmed clearish red—the same colour of a ruby. “Last night—you disappeared. I was worried.” Harrison looks away. Jeremiah’s tidied—no board game pieces scattered on the table, all the ashtrays cleaned out. The first time Harrison entered this apartment, he was overcome by its intricacy—the disco ball hung from the ceiling, the ivy clustered in beer bottles along the windowsill. Everything that makes Jeremiah’s space his. And he’s worried him in all this time. What must that be like? To make someone fear for you? “Where do you keep the extra towels?” Harrison asks and Jeremiah nearly deflates.

Jeremiah is concerned!!!

When Harrison opens his mouth, Jeremiah approaches him, takes his face so gently he winces. His hand is slippery with cocoa butter, breaths heavy, brows low. Harrison knows what this means. Concern. Maybe he’s afraid, too. But it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t at all. One man’s worry is not his problem. Why would he care? Why would he? “What happened to you?” Jeremiah whispers. Perhaps he arrived home alone last night, stayed up till 5:00AM with his eyes staked by toothpicks. Perhaps this weekend is the worst thing that’s happened to him in a long time. If Harrison were someone else, he’d tell Jeremiah to run. Don’t waste time with shoes. Just throw open the front door and sprint barefoot into the neon street. Keep going until everything is a blur, until everything is the clearest it’s been in weeks. The farther away he gets, the better for him. He could learn how to crochet mug cozies. Buy himself a tomato plant. Spend his mornings in a sunny kitchen with a man who actually loves him.

Harrison has an existential crisis after a shower (CW: description of a bruise):

He glances at himself in the mirror, his shoulders hunched forward, hair veering into his eyes. A purple bruise rings his throat like a necklace of lavender pearls. The last time he’d looked at his reflection in this mirror, he’d found something hidden behind his face, gripped it, then tugged it right out with a tube of mascara and a ring finger loaded with silver eyeshadow. That’s all gone. He’s just a man now. Not naked like Michelangelo’s David, but naked like a stranger.

Jeremiah checks up on Harrison:

He imagines Jeremiah now. Leaning half his body weight against the door, his unbuttoned shirt parting with the movement. Perry’s already picked up the moped from outside. Jeremiah probably lied and said Harrison wasn’t there. In the wind, he might’ve said. Gone North to Missoula. Or maybe, Joined a travelling circus. Or, Took a red-eye to Florence. Or, I don’t care as long as he never comes back. All would’ve been suitable excuses because Jeremiah’s a good guy. A good friend. “I wanted to…” says Harrison, his chest rattling with an inhale. I wanted to: apologize. I wanted to: kiss you. I wanted to: say a prayer into your mouth. I wanted to: find you at sunset and link pinkies in dying grass and read screenplays from the 90s with your head on my chest and thank you like a real man should in the evenings and listen to your breaths when you fell asleep. I wanted to be alive. I wanted you there with me. The sound of Jeremiah shifting. What had he planned to do this September—before Harrison turned up at his apartment? On their first night reunited, they’d sipped mimosas while swapping Jeremiah’s Blackberry back and forth to play Brick Breaker, watched Psycho and only kissed at the ending credits. Jeremiah hadn’t even questioned why Harrison had turned up because he’s a good guy. A good friend. He knows Harrison could eat cinnamon on anything, that he’d gargle with black coffee if he could, that cymbals make his teeth ache, that he can’t tolerate the smell of chocolate anymore. Good guy. Good friend. In another life, they could’ve grown up together, played road hockey in humid Junes, shared a half-and-half ice cream cone, fallen for each other delicately. In another life, Harrison would’ve told Jeremiah he loved him and meant it.

At the restaurant, Jeremiah talks about his future (but does it include Harrison?):

It’s going to rain tomorrow, at least according to the mounted bubble TV on the restaurant’s far north side. Its grainy picture is suddenly the most pressing thing in this establishment—a headline about a collision on the I-80, an update on Katrina, a mass power outage in LA. Behind the screen is a window that leads to the kitchen, and Biyu’s face flashes through it every few minutes. He hasn’t even thought of calling Reeve since the last time he’d been in this restaurant, but he could now—find her in the Yellow Pages, invite her to dinner with him and Suz. Would she like that? Perhaps she’s the same woman who’d sat with him that sunny morning in Oregon, her legs stretched out in front of his and Lonan’s tent. There was something both blunt and guarded about her then. She wasn’t a woman, not a sister, not a friend, but a threat. “I’m thinking of heading east in the winter. Maryland. My grandma turns eighty.” Harrison turns to Jeremiah abruptly, his throat dry. “What?” “For a couple months, maybe. Might meet Rory in Hanoi in the spring. He’s thinking of staying there through the new year.” “What about Greta?” Harrison asks when the real question he should be asking is what about me? It takes him a moment to even register he’s gaping. “I’ll find something else to do. Dog-walking. Printmaking. I’m thinking of getting certified in hypnotherapy.”

After Biyu asks Harrison to pay for the bill and Jeremiah ends up footing it, he describes the atmosphere:

The air feels denser now, unstable like Jell-O. The last time he and Jeremiah were here, their relationship was gauzy, a fumbling newborn. But now something’s clotted. They’re unready again, so used to the other’s face they’ve become estranged.

Embarrassed, Harrison can't focus until Jeremiah makes (A VERY SWEET) deal (CW: suicidal ideation):

Harrison’s ears ring. He looks to the window like it’s an out when in reality, all that’s out there are a couple fir trees and a main road. An eighteen-wheeler whizzes by every few minutes. As Jeremiah talks about a paper he needs to turn in on Tuesday, Harrison imagines what those drivers are doing, thinking. One making plans to shoot darts at a dive bar with his brother, another answering a call from his wife to bring home a stick of butter, someone else considering flooring the pedal, letting go of the wheel. “You could come with me, you know.” Harrison looks up and finds Jeremiah’s eyes honeyed in a strand of sun. The realization is obvious: he’s an ember of a man—an effervescent, sacred light. “Come with you?” “Maryland. Hanoi. Dogwalking. Wherever we want to go.”

Harrison's response to the offer falls flat (this is kind of messy lol):

Harrison looks to his hands. He took off Jeremiah’s signet ring before his shower and forgot it on the bathroom sink. It looks like he’s returned it, when in reality, he hasn’t meant to. And then a touch at his hand and Harrison’s back in the dense Oregon woods, another man trailing a pinkie down each of his vertebrae like they were the keys of a flute, joining their fate lines as the sun sets, holding his face kindlier than he did a cigarette, his eyes coined by the moon. The contact is so unviolent, yet the moment Harrison winces, Jeremiah immediately pulls away, drops his hand to the booth’s seat. Harrison shakes. He can’t look at Jeremiah again, is afraid any more understanding will rive him right here. He’d become more of a nuisance than he already is if that were the case—blood on the ground, on the wall’s tiger. “I think I have a headache.” Jeremiah exhales but grabs his wallet. From a zippered pocket, he pulls out a Tylenol. “You need to eat something,” he says, waving over Biyu before Harrison can tell him not to, can tell him to please use this as an out, to please grab his things and beeline to the door and hitch a ride to somewhere gentler than Las Vegas, to someone more reliable. Jeremiah, just go, he could say. Jeremiah, it’s not too late for you. Jeremiah, adopt a dog who’ll love you. Jeremiah, change your locks. Jeremiah, learn how to refinish a deck this summer. Jeremiah, pick honeysuckle by the fistfuls. Jeremiah, laugh because it’s over. Jeremiah, never cry again. Jeremiah, the earth is vast. Jeremiah, there is still so much time to run.

I'M YOURS:

In a few months, Jeremiah won’t be the same person he is today. Whether he ends up out east or in an art class painting alla prima, he’ll change. He’ll make new friends in Baltimore, dance with them in Fell’s Point, photograph tree swallows together at Herring Run, kiss one of them in the state fair’s scorching sun. And that will be good for him. Harrison’s no Christ, no God. He’ll never be omnipotent. Yet, he is certain of this. “Jeremiah?” he interrupts. One day, Jeremiah will drive a silver birch Cadillac alone, inhale for three seconds as the wind rustles his hair. He’ll keep on that road for hours, count the red SUVs on the way, stop for lunch at a taco stand, buy tarry hot coffees from every gas station he passes. He’ll be an even better man. And Harrison? In a year, he could apprentice for a sculptor, make minimum wage flipping burgers on the weekends, memorize the Dewey Decimal System for fun. Maybe he’ll be like Rory, backpack somewhere no one knows him, somewhere with mountain ranges he doesn’t recognize, somewhere with suburbs and lawns, somewhere no one can find him ever again. But he’s here now, Jeremiah looking at him like he’s simultaneously a glass mid-fall and a glass worth piecing back together with school glue and some patience. Jeremiah, look at me a little longer, he could say. Jeremiah, I can’t remember the sound of my own name. Jeremiah, you’re birdsong in the winter, the first glimpse of sunrise. Jeremiah, I’m so sorry. Jeremiah, you’re young enough to forget all of this soon. Jeremiah, be tender while you can. Jeremiah, please go gently. Jeremiah— “I’m yours.”

HAREMIAH ROMANCE FUN (and what would a future with Jeremiah look like?):

Jeremiah’s got a key to Greta—room 118 to be exact. In the dim fizz of a tungsten sconce, he leads Harrison through the doorway and kisses him as soon as the door clicks behind him, urgent and careful at the same time. Harrison catches himself on the wall, right next to an oil painting of a wide prairie. He wraps his arms around Jeremiah’s neck, winds one of his curls around his pinkie, pulls him so close their pelvises touch. Don’t let go of me, he could say as Jeremiah thumbs his eyebrows, bows for another kiss. Don’t let go of me. They don’t go slow nor fast, but a pace tempered like drizzling honey. It isn’t even really about touching. As Harrison mentally connects the umber flecks of Jeremiah’s eyes like they’re constellations, he imagines a future where he follows him to Maryland. He could take the first leg of the trip, tune the radio to throwbacks, belt Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer in a Burger King drive-thru just to make Jeremiah laugh. They could rest at a motel similar to Greta—the same stuffy wallpaper, the same berber carpet. Surprise each other the next morning with bagels from the bakery a block away. Go crabbing at Point Lookout on their first weekend in the state. Pose next to each other with their catch for a photo snapped by a stranger. Jeremiah might even invite him to his grandmother’s birthday party, introduce him to an aunt as his boyfriend. They’d link arms the entire night, feed each other spoons of sherry trifle. Harrison could bond with a cousin over their shared interests in bushcraft forts and Neo-Dada art. Jeremiah’s mother would invite them berry picking the next weekend, serve blueberry buckle after Sunday mass, everyone still suited and skirted around the kitchen table. Harrison could cameo in their Christmas card photo. Spend Labour Day weekend at a lakeside cottage. Grill chicken thighs with Jeremiah’s father. Play Marco Polo with his younger brother. It’d all feel like an airy vacation.

And a tiny more romance lol:

Jeremiah leans into Harrison’s chest, brushes his mouth against his ear, down his neck. He touches the way pearls shine—with subtle panache. His lips are tangy with soy sauce, tart with cherry Chapstick, and he’s easy to move into like a current eclipsing itself.

Aaand the end of the chapter! THE DRAMA:

Jeremiah, he could say, the earth keeps turning without me. Jeremiah, which city do you think of as home? Jeremiah, I’m dying of a wound I can’t find. Jeremiah, I love you. Harrison’s head no longer hurts. He glances at the bed ahead of them, the duvet untainted, the throw pillows chopped, then back to Jeremiah. He grips his shoulder so tightly his hand aches. He’ll be needed right now—loved right now. He’ll touch because he needs to. He’ll pray for forgiveness someday. “Don’t let go,” he whispers.

And that's a wrap on No Christ! It was so fun to revisit this chapter now that I'm not... unwell, LOL. I hope you enjoyed this update and stay tuned for the FINAL one (which I meant to include here BUT THIS POST WAS SOOOO LONG)

ily if you made it this far okay bye!

Rachel

[tobeamother]

last night, i learned that someone i once considered my best friend passed away last year. we weren't like actual besties or anything. just online friends. we spoke every day for what felt like years to teenage me, but looking back, it was only for a year or so, maybe less. i know i was probably just another online friend to her, but she meant so much to me. she was there for me when i felt like no one else was, although i never told her that. we drifted apart as we got older, which is to be expected. she went to nursing school and i just felt like i was floating through life. she was younger than me, but i wanted to be her when i grew up. she was so ambitious. she took care of her family. she traveled the world (or at least visited bangladesh frequently). i recently got the urge to message her about je or see if she was keeping up with our boy, yamapi. her socials hadn't been updated since last year. that's normal. people aren't chronically online. but still, i just had to see if i could find her anywhere besides ig. the google search couldn't have been right? what do you mean ******* **** passed away on june 11, 2023? i was just thinking about her. and now i know i was thinking of someone who isn't here anymore. she was only 32. i miss her. i wish we could catch up. i pray she is in heaven. at peace.

i'm not boohoo sad, but i am sad. it is weird to mourn someone you don't really /know/ and hadn't /known/ for 15 years. but whether she knew it or not, she made me who i am. it's like a piece of me has gone, it seems. i'm still here, but something in me has left with her.

rip kimi longbottom. you were great.

[shin1ros]

old address - haobin

summary: it all started with a letter sent to an old address...

note: a quick reminder that in this story Hanbin is older than Hao. And also, english is not my first language.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

06.24.1971

June 24, 1971, the most anticipated date for me so far. I started talking to a boy through letters a few months ago, today we will finally see each other for the first time. Not knowing our faces wasn't an impediment to falling for him. The truth is that I contacted this guy by mere chance, actually, my letter was for someone else, but I don't regret that there was a delivery error.

Throughout these months, we have shared many feelings, problems and more, despite being strangers at the beginning, after a month we were everything for each other. We began to describe ourselves to get an idea of ​​each other, and I'm sure that he's the most beautiful boy on earth, all his clues lead me to that conclusion, this boy is charming.

I'm finishing getting ready to go out to meet this "stranger", we agreed to meet in the main plaza of my city since, being from another town, he doesn't know any other places around here.

Being already 6:35 pm I look at myself in the mirror one last time, I grab my keys to my house and my car, and the gift that I have prepared for my little one, surprise! we're dating. Our meeting time was agreed upon at 7:00 pm so I'm pretty much on time, if I don't have any problems or delays in traffic, I should arrive at the meeting point right on time.

It's winter, so the sky was starting to get dark, the lights from the lamp posts and buildings brightened up the streets of the city and gave it a nostalgic touch, at least for me, let's say my winters haven't been the best. Being a few blocks away from the plaza, I got stuck at a red light so I decided to turn on the car radio and listen to some music.

In a little bit of a hurry, I lay my eyes on the watch on my wrist, "6:45", I'm late. I took a look towards the row of cars in front of me out of impatience and then, suddenly I started to hear the siren of an ambulance in the distance. A few seconds later, I see how it passes at high speed along the cross street where I was. "What happened?" I wonder, this city is not very conflictive nor do so many assaults happen. Green light, we're finally moving, "6:58", if I speed up a little more than usual I'll be on time.

"7:01", I park and get out of the car in a hurry. The sky was already completely dark, only the lights of the lamp posts were my guides on this night. I'm excited, I'll finally see my little one, my sun, the best coincidence that could've happened to me in my life. The bouquet of flowers is not intact, but it is not completely destroyed, I look at the gift and a smile escapes me, I couldn't be happier. A happy winter night.

Apparently there is a small fair in the surrounding streets, great, nice panorama for this special night. The closer I got to the plaza I saw more and more people walking from one side to the other in a hurry, I was wondering why until I saw that ambulance that I had previously seen when I was in traffic, it seems that the accident happened here, a not so nice environment to receive my baby. According to what he had told me in his last letter, he was going to be dressed in a white t-shirt and jacket and light jeans, accompanied by mustard-colored sneakers and a black backpack, so I started looking for someone with those characteristics on the plaza, but there were fewer and fewer people since the authorities asked us to leave since it wasn't a safe environment at the moment, which made me sad. I felt my heart tighten when I saw that the plaza was practically empty and I still hadn't found my date, even the stalls at the fair had packed their things and left. Could it be that he actually didn't come?

"Excuse me, I have to ask you to please leave this place, it is not safe right now". A police officer comes to tell me.

"I'm sorry, I had to meet someone here". I commented, looking at the bouquet of 12 red roses that I had in my hand, as if the officer cared. "I'm sorry for the curiosity, but... What happened? " I asked with some uncertainty, sadness and, unfortunately, the feeling of fear was added when I saw how in the distance behind the police officer's back a person, who I assume was a paramedic, was covering the body of a person, a person who quickly I could see that was wearing something white and had dark hair. Right now I fear the worst.

"I can't give any details, sorry. Please go back to your house, young man..." At the end of this sentence the officer's walkie talkie begins to ring. "Officer Yu, we have identified the young man's body" is heard over the device. "Excuse me..." He bows quickly and walks away to respond to his partner. I, captive of fear and anguish, approach cautiously to listen to the conversation of the two police officers, I know I shouldn't, but I'm thinking the worst right now. "The deceased had his ID and his student card in his belongings inside of his backpack. The youngest was 17 years old, his name was Zhang Hao".

The bouquet of roses meets the cement of the floor as I finish listening to the information given, I feel tears gathering in my eyes. Why? What did he do to deserve this? Why did he have to die so soon? Life is not fair. A sad winter night.

With my face soaked in tears, I headed to my car, still in a state of shock, unable to believe what had happened and wishing that everything was a nightmare or that I had heard wrong. Zhang Hao, my little one, victim of some malicious person. Once inside the car I burst into tears, the only thing I heard were my sobs. I was broken, my heart was broken. After about half an hour I decided to drive home, I didn't feel better nor had I calmed down a bit, but I couldn't stay all night in that plaza, meters away from the lifeless body of my loved one.

When I get home the only thing I do is take off the clothes I was wearing and put on my pajamas, I needed to be comfortable so I could suffer in peace. I go to my room and sit on my bed, I bring one of my hands to the nightstand next to me and open the drawer, that drawer contained each of the letters that Hao had written to me. With eyes full of tears I decide to read the last one written by his hands.

" June 17, 1971

Dear Hanbin:

Aaaaaa I can't believe we're finally going to meet!!! after these long months we'll finally see each other, my love. I'm so excited, I want the 24th to come soon, I can't wait to see you and give you lots of kisses and hugs and caresses and everything, I want to have you next to me.

These days I've been getting ahead on school work so I don't have anything pending and so I can get my parents' permission to travel to see you, baby (I love calling you that, even though you're older than me). I'm not gonna lie to you, these days have been exhausting,,,, please tell my teachers not to assign so much homework, I just want to have my mind clear and calm so I can only think about you and not about math problems or physics stuff,,,,

As we promised a few weeks after we started talking, today I will finish describing myself. Mmmm let's see, my friends say that I have somewhat large eyes, I also have a mole under my eye and other one on my cheek. The day of our meeting I'll go with new clothes that I bought especially to meet you, love. I will wear a white t-shirt that has a black print, a white jacket as well and some light-colored jeans and my lucky sneakers that are mustard-colored. I will also carry a black backpack since I plan to bring things for when we're at your house spending time together.

I already want to be by your side and be able to sing those songs that you like, all those that you told me when you found out that I can sing, I learned each one of them for you, sweetie. I can't wait to see you, I'm really really really excited aaaaa I wish I could go forward in time and be in your arms.

Without further ado, I say goodbye with lots of love, your baby, your little red panda. I love you Sung Hanbin and I will love you forever, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, thank you for sending a letter to an old address ^^

Zhang Hao".

Torn apart, I put the letter in its envelope as best I can and put it on the nightstand next to the lamp and lay down ready to sleep, although I have to admit that I find it difficult, my head hurts from crying so much.

My Hao, I wish I could have heard your voice at least once...

The next morning I wake up feeling empty, with no desire for anything. I have no one, my family kicked me out of the house when I told them I was gay so I had to come live alone and I had to learn to survive on my own, Hao was the only person I had by my side no matter what, sorry, that I was going to have by my side.

I decide to get up and after a trip to the bathroom I go to the kitchen to have breakfast, what a shitty morning. Once I finish preparing my milk with cereal I go to sit on the couch and turn on the television, to my bad luck, it was on a news channel that, specifically, was talking about the tragedy that occurred in the plaza yesterday.

"Yesterday at around 6:45 pm some criminals showed up at the fair in the central plaza to cause disturbances that resulted in at least 5 injuries and one fatality." The images on the screen changed to show photos of my baby... my god, he was beautiful, more beautiful than I could imagine, why did this have to happen to him? "His name was Zhang Hao, he was only 17 years old..." I stopped paying attention to the words coming out of the news guy's mouth and dedicated myself to look at his photos and recording each of his features in my mind.

My Hao was perfect. I will never stop loving you, little one.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

06.24.1991 pt.1

Today marks 20 years since Hao's death and I can confirm that it still hurts like the first day. A week after the incident I moved heaven and earth to find Hao's family contacts to get in touch with them, when I finally had them I dialed their number on my cellphone and called them, fear and guilt consumed me, and the fear that Hao's parents would tell me shit that had already crossed my mind did not calm me down, but luckily for me, in one way or another they didn't take it out on me, they told me it was not my fault, that our baby was in the right place at the wrong time. We cried for hours the first times we spoke to each other, just like the first time we saw each other, his family showed me photos of my little star when he was a baby, he was undoubtedly beautiful. They told me how Hao told them he was gay. My little one had his bags ready to leave home and had already spoken to one of his friends in case his parents didn't accept him, but on the contrary, they welcomed him, understood him and continued to love him as they had until then. When I heard that story I couldn't help but cry. I wish my parents had reacted the same way. From that day on, Hao's family gave me a space in their lives.

Nowadays we meet every year to go visit Hao at the cemetery, today we brought his favorite dish, how I would have loved to prepare it for him. We were all in the car traveling, all dressed somewhat formally since I, very embarrassed, asked for it.

After about 20 minutes, we had already arrived, the day was gloomy, it was cloudy and it was about to start raining.

"Hanbin-ah, I doubt we can stay long today, the weather is not going to be very good today". His mother tells me putting one of her hands on my shoulder once I was already out of the car. "Come on, let's make this short time with Hao the best". She gives me a small sincere smile that deep down denoted sadness. I nod at her words and we head off to find Zhang Hao's grave.

When we arrived we unfolded the blanket we brought and took out the things to eat, his mother left a plastic container with soup and chopsticks next to his tombstone. We spent the time catching up with Hao and it was getting closer to the time to leave, the clouds were threatening more and more to drop rain on us. We had everything packed, it was just a matter of getting in the car and leaving.

"Hanbin, it's time for us to go". his father told me sadly.

"Um... I'd like us to stay a little longer, I'm not asking for much time, just a few minutes, please". I say this last thing almost in a whisper while I bow. When I straighten up I see how they nod after looking at each other. Here I go. "I know that at this point we already know each other quite well and you know very well that I was madly in love with Hao..." I see how their eyes fill with tears as I begin my speech while I feel how mine begin to water. "The truth is that... I never moved on". I said looking at the ground with a sad smile while a shiver ran through my body, which made me tremble along with the current of wind that ruffled my hair. "Hao came into my life by chance and in a few months he became a very important person to me, the only person who loved me. He won and took over every part of my heart and mind, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about him". I laugh to lighten the atmosphere and hear the others also let out a small giggle. "Even though I was only 19 years old when I met him, I felt and knew that the love I had for Hao was going to last forever. That's why I made you all stay a little longer with our little one... Because I wanted to tell both him and you that I'm going to love Zhang Hao for the rest of my life and that... I would have loved to make our relationship official at an altar". I wipe the tears from my face and put my hand in my pants pocket to take out a small box covered in black velvet, when I open it I hear the sobs of his relatives and see how his mother begins to cry on her husband's shoulder. "I'm here to propose to Hao or... at least to tell him, and you, that I would have loved to do it. Thank you for taking me into your family after the loss of our little star, really, thank you". I finish saying and start to cry silently looking at my feet, the second I feel how the two people who were listening to me attentively hug me and cry with me while whispering hundreds of beautiful words.

"Oh, Hanbin-ah, I'm sure our little Hao would've accepted more than happy and would've jumped into your arms out of happiness". his mother tells me while wiping away the tears that were falling down my cheeks.

After a couple more minutes, I feel another breeze that ruffles my hair and that chill from a while ago reappears. When I bend down to put down the little box with a ring inside, since the other one I was wearing it, I see a few drops falling on the ground.

"It's time to go, Hanbin, I'm sure Hao is more than happy with this visit". Hao's father tells me with a smile and I finish arranging the velvety box next to the container with soup.

I look at Hao's tombstone for the last time and see his framed photos that we brought today.

"I will always love you, my little red panda. Always yours, Hanbin. Thank you". I say for the last time on this day and run to the car as I feel the rain gaining intensity...

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

06.24.1991 pt.2

Wow, it's been 20 years, I can't believe it, I was so excited to see my baby Hanbin that day, I never thought it would be the day I died.

I have to admit that every year I get excited to see my family come to visit me with Hanbin, the first time I saw him was for my funeral and boy was I stunned when I saw him, how I wish I could have covered his beautiful little face with kisses.

When my parents' car arrives at the cemetery I accompany them from a safe distance so they don't feel my presence, since the first year of my death I do the same, I keep them company from the moment they get out of the car until they reach my grave and start talking, eating or telling me new things, the last thing I heard was that my parents got a new pet, I got very excited for them, I wish I could play with their dog with them.

After the long walk from the entrance to my "resting" place, I see how everyone starts to take things out of the bags they were carrying, I watch as they put a blanket on the ground and sit down to take out the food. How sweet, today they brought my favorite food, mom's soup was the best.

The weather today was not the best and that saddens me, since it means that I will be able to see them less time than usual. However, they know how to make the most of the time and they start to tell me things while they eat. After a few hours I see how they arrange my photos next to my tombstone, I give a sad sigh, it must be painful to have those photos in front of them and not be able to hug me or caress me or simply watch me eat. I miss the closeness and the touch. I miss them so much.

When the sky begins to get worse, my father speaks to Hanbin and tells him that it is time for them to go. Today the hours passed very quickly, I'm going to miss seeing them all together, I'll have to wait another year to see them together.

I was already mentally preparing myself to be without their company again and to say goodbye to them from another dimension when my sweetheart opens his little mouth to say something.

"Um... I'd like us to stay a little longer, I'm not asking for much time, just a few minutes, please". he says bowing to my parents. "I know that at this point we already know each other quite well and you know very well that I was madly in love with Hao..." Oh no, baby, what are you going to say? My parents are already crying, I'd like to hug them. "The truth is that... I never moved on". I saw how my baby lowered his head and it seemed like time stopped when I saw a tear fall from his little eyes, I can't stand being so far away from him.

"Honey, I know you can't hear me or feel my little arms as such, but I'm here, please don't cry, love". I say breaking the distance and placing an arm on his little shoulders while I caress his hair, the most human act to calm someone down. Most likely Hanbin feels cold when I'm near him or something similar to a draft.

"(...) Hao came into my life by chance and in a few months he became a very important person to me, the only person who loved me. He won and took over every part of my heart and mind, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about him". my family and he let out a small laugh that was clearly accompanied by sadness, despite that, I can say that his laugh is beautiful, like him. "Even though I was only 19 years old when I met him, I felt and knew that the love I had for Hao was going to last forever. That's why I made you guys stay a little longer with our little one... Because I wanted to tell both him and you that I'm going to love Zhang Hao for the rest of my life and that... I would have loved to make our relationship official at an altar". Oh, he took out a velvet box, Hanbin I love you so much, I never stopped loving you, honey. Even though I'm just a soul that wanders through these dimensions, tears were quick to come out of my little eyes. God, was Sung Hanbin proposing to me? If so, I accept baby, I accept to be your husband. I see how my mother cries on my dad's shoulder. "I'm here to propose to Hao or... at least to tell him, and you, that I would have loved to. Thank you for taking me into your family after the loss of our little star, really thank you". his little star... I loved that nickname, seeing the three of them hugging each other crying I decided to keep my distance again, I don't want them to be separated from that beautiful hug because of me.

"Oh, Hanbin-ah, I'm sure Hao would've accepted more than happily and would've jumped into your arms out of happiness". Oh mom, how you know me, that's exactly what I wanted to do when I heard him say those beautiful words.

After a few minutes I see that everyone is ready to leave, when my family was already putting the last things in the car I see how my love takes one of the rings out of the box and puts it on his left ring finger, at that moment I approach him again to leave kisses on his cheek and to caress his hair once more, after that he places the box next to my portion of soup and I see how he opens his mouth to say something for the last time.

"I will always love you, my little red panda. Always yours, Hanbin. Thank you". the tears did not stop coming out of my eyes and increased when Hanbin ran to my parents' car because of the rain that had started to fall.

"N-no... Don't go, baby..." I said, although I knew that only I could hear me and that it was basically impossible for the love of my life to come back at this moment. "I will always love you, sweetie, thank you for sending a letter to an old address".

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

epilogue

In the distance I could see a blinding light, it was totally blinding me, it was so much, it was all white and it was getting closer and closer. It was hard for me to keep my eyes open, what kind of dream was I having?

Finally the blinding light managed to reach me and covered my surroundings completely. Once I got used to it I began to observe what surrounded me, they were all utopian landscapes, it was very beautiful, it was quite calm; I felt at peace. The pain that had been in my chest since that night in 1971 no longer existed, my heart was calm, why? I couldn't have moved on from one day to another.

I walked determined to find out why all this felt so real, I felt the grass brush against my legs, I felt the heat of the sun shining on me, I felt everything, what kind of lucid dream is this? The whole landscape was based on beautiful trees, beautiful flowers, long grass and everything quite shiny and bright. I thought I was alone until I heard a tree branch being stepped on.

"Hanbin?" I hear someone calling me behind my back. "Is it really you, baby? Turn around, we're finally together, honey". Baby, honey, there's only one person in my life who called me that. Impossible, how could I create a voice for Hao, I've never heard him speak to me. Anyway, I decide to listen to the voice and turn around. Stunned, that's how I was when my eyes met his face. It was him, it was my little red panda, my sun, it was Hao. "Oh my God, yes it's you. We finally meet, my love". I see how tears fall from his pretty eyes before he runs to hug me.

"Why... Why does this feel so real?" I feel his arms around my neck, I feel his body hugging mine, I feel his warmth, but I stop feeling the latter when Hao separates from me.

"Oh no, baby, didn't you notice?" he says with a touch of sadness in his voice. I shake my head in answer to his question with doubt. "Love... You've died, you're in "paradise" or whatever you want to call it and, apparently, you're stuck on the day of my death, because I doubt that as an old man you looked like you were 19". I hear him laugh, his laugh is beautiful, but what do you mean dead?

Seeing my face that I wasn't understanding anything, Hao explains everything to me, according to him, when we die we stay with the appearance of the age in which we die, although there are usually other cases, like mine, in which the person arrives at this utopian place looking like the stage in which they were stuck due to different reasons and, as it may be obvious, I appeared with the appearance of a 19-year-old.

After understanding everything and asking my baby to explain it to me again about 20 times, I accepted everything, now I was going to "live" looking young forever, but most importantly, I was going to be forever with the love of my life, Zhang Hao.

"I'm sorry for everything that happened, baby, really, I..." I was about to cry, but I felt Hao's lips kissing mine.

"Shh, it's been too many years for you to come and bring that up again... You don't know how much I wanted to kiss you, love". As he says that he leaves another short kiss on my lips."I love you, I've always loved you and I will always love you". He says looking into my eyes while he cradles my face in his small hands.

"It's the best feeling in life". He laughs when he hears me say that. "From what you told me, you were there when I told your parents and you, of course, that I would have loved to ask you to marry me, so you should keep in mind that my love for you has been present since the letters began to become frequent, like two weeks after I sent the first one. I doubt there's a church here to have a beautiful ceremony, but..." I bring my fingers closer to the long grass that was near us and begin to form two small circles with the pieces I took out, once ready, I bend down until I have one knee on the ground. "Zhang Hao, owner of my heart and my thoughts, will you marry me?" I say looking at his beautiful face while I hold one of the rings I made with grass and I see how a smile appears on his face along with tears.

"Of course, baby, I do, I do, I do, I do". He repeats over and over again, once I get up and we put our rings on each other's left ring fingers, he throws himself into my arms, happy and excited, giving kisses all over my face, an action that reminds me of Hao's mother's words from that same day a few years ago, she knew her son very well.

At the end of it all, I was able to meet my love, I was able to hold him in my arms, caress him, kiss him, tell him how much I love him and, although there is no institution here that makes our marriage official, we both know that we have gotten married and that we will literally always be by each other's side, even if it is not on the usual earthly plane, we will be together for the rest of our "lives", just as we both wanted in 1971.

[xryosakeyx]

Anyways, here's some random sketches related to the fic I finally can get around to posting 'cause it's a bunch! (These span from about three months, so yeah...) They don't really lean into heavy spoiler territory, so I thought it'd be safe to post them!

^Blawsth's champ (name's Lucille, if anyone cares...). First sketch is from earlier today and it's supposed to be of him in his youth. If you've read chapter one already, a specific detail that was made was that the Pokémon Ash is looking for pops up every thirty years or so, and let me tell you, a whole bunch of stuff happened within that time lol. The rest of the sketches were made in June, so I haven't drawn him in a good while. His whole thing was that I based him on shock-rockers and his backstory does take influence from that subset of performers. That comic in the last pic kind of gives ypu the idea of it, and that is if you can even read my stupidly tiny handwrit–

Okay, y'know what? Let me decipher it:

JAKE: You don't get it Ash, Lucille was banned from performing 'cause he went overboard!

ASH: Oh, really?

JAKE: That and he's the champ!

PIKACHU, as a tiny blob thing on Ash's shoulder, turning his back away from the camera as he sees a weird goth-thing from the distance: Pi.

JAKE: Ah! There he is, great eyes Pikachu! Lu-cille! Sign my autograph, please!!!

Alright, satisfied?

^Some gym leader stuff. First sketch is supposed to be of a double-battle gym where one specializes in water and the other with fire. Their main motif is that they're supposed to be treasure hunters, so their Pokémon are very agile in combat as they bounce back from one another. I'm still trying to work on their outfits a little, but their masks are supposed to be based on their aces which are (of course) more fakmons! Their names (right to left) are Lenny and Hans.

Second was two sketches I did of the grass specialist, Vendanna, who is an actor known for her stunts. The main challenge in her gym is the various status effects her Pokémon can create (mostly poison), so trainers should watch out!

Third is Lizzie who is supposed to be a ghost specialist. She tends to be very introverted, only popping up whenever the supernatural bells ring, but her Pokémon are the complete opposite and love getting other's nerves. I based her off trad-goth stereotypes because I feel like they're very underespresented in media, but yeah, she's basically Blawsth's personal "witch" and has more knowledge about the card game than most people (still unsatisfied with her boots though...). Also, her ears are pointed 'cause I felt like making them pointy :P

Also, BTW, these won't be the exact order of gym leaders Ash and co. have to deal with, I just felt like sharing them for now!

^Rivals. I unfortunately can't really share much of their story with you guys as their role leans into spoiler territory, so I'll keep it as brief as possible. First is named Cianna and seriously wants to be the The Very Best Like No One Ever Was™. Out of Blawsth of course. Alright, in all seriousness, as a childhood friend who had to move upstate years ago, she hoped to reunite with Miley, who is oddly very evasive towards her, which is quite sad because she never got around to say goodbye to her...And that is as much info I can actually share on the both of them as characters! Alright, onto the next one...

The second is named Urie and oh boy I seriously can not wait to finally introduce him to the story. If you can recognize who I nabbed his color pallete from, congratulations, you're still not really going any relevent story info until I actually write about it. Anyways, all you gotta know about this guy is that he has this smirk you just want to punch and he's annoyling very friendly, surprsingly enough. To an extent (I could only post this single sketch of him though as (A.) I was only going for the color pallet when it came to this set so I couldn't care less about the face... and (B.) I do have an entire page just dedicated to him because he's so absurd of a character to me, but unfortunately it's behind another page filled with sharpie sketches and if you guess anything from the third pic, it likes to bleed through a lot).

Third is Luka and not only is she a coordinator hailing from Unova but she also participates in gym matches as well! She also oddly wants Ash to step away from his companions, for some reason...Yeah, gotta keep things hush-hush, lol. Other than that, she's a very snarky individual, some might even compare her to an Ekans. Others...a more sinister Pokémon...(anyways, say hi to Lizzie again at the bottom corner! She's selling her a doll that doesn't even work, LOL!) (Also, I imagine this one with a Joisey accent!)

Anyways, that's as much as Tumblr will let me post without going over the image limit, so I'll go follow up with this post tomorrow! Your SOTD has been brought to you by, once again, Specimen! I keep thinking of this song in paticular when it comes to contest ideas, especially considering Blawsth's whole culture going a little bit overboard with it ever since Lucille was banned from performing.

[curiouselleth]

Of Elured, Elurin, and Gil-Galad

I started writing this intending to share my theories on the matter of Elured, Elurin, and Gil-galad, but it got long and very detailed. This is NOT edited at all, I just wrote most of this in one sitting... but I think it came out really good! (2,218 words?!?!?!?! HOW?!?!)

Most of this is my personal cannon, but it would fit within the story. Some of it has no clear basis in Tolkien, I originally made this theory for a fic I'm working on and needed to invent some things to make other ideas work. Mostly in how Maiar, Valar, and their powers can mess with time. (I am also kinda-maybe-just a little disregarding bit with Gil-galad being sent to the Falas in 455.)

Elured and Elurin survive being abandoned in the woods, and they are led to food and shelter by nightingales, and are eventually led south into the forests of Ossiriand.

While Melian had returned to Valinor after Thingol's death, and despite that the Girdle of Melian fell and she seemingly abandoned them when she left, she actually sent the nightingales to guide Elured and Elurin to safety. Her last act to help those in Middle Earth for a long time. (continued under the cut)

Maiar, Valar, or large concentrations of their powers can do weird things to time and aging. Whether making time pass faster or slower for those in their immediate vicinity, so one year would feel like months, or several years could pass in their vicinity while only one year may seem to pass away from them. With practice and skill their effect on time around them can be minimized, as pretty much all the valar and maiar do. This can cause aging to be faster or slower, or decay to slow down.

Elured and Elurin were too young to be taught of this, so barely more than 4 years after the Second Kinslaying (506), they have aged around 15 years in that time, and are about 21. As Elwing had Elrond and Elros at 22, I am assuming that since she was considered an adult then that they are at that age too.

Over the years they also slowly built up walls, hiding their true identities with magic, eventually so that none could recognize them, so they wouldn't be reminded or found again by the Feanorians. Part of it is that people will see what they expect, and who would expect to the see the twin sons of Dior, believed to be dead?

Now it is year 510, and Gondolin falls that summer. (I would guess it is around the solstice, in late June.)

Gwingloth is the daughter of Lalwen (daughter of Finwe), and was born a few years after Lalwen arrived Gondolin after its completion. She is a little young for a elf but well of age. Tolkien gateway says that is about 100 years old, I don't want to get a headache checking the Nature of Middle Earth right now 😅.

Gwingloth had never been fond of festivals, she often found the noise and the chaos overwhelming, so she had snuck outside the city, thinking to visit the gates, and to check on the guards who she had heard expressing sadness to be missing the festival.

She had been about to leave, but then the attack started. The guards had defended her with their lives, and when she was knocked unconscious they defended her until they fell, and in a strange bit of luck she was hidden in the bodies and presumed dead. When she came to she was once again lucky, and most of the fighting had moved on to the city. She managed to sneak out, and down the Dry River to Sirion. She did not know much of Beleriand, but she knew the south in Ossiriand to be safe, and she made a makeshift boat and sailed down Sirion until she reached the Fens of Sirion, where she left the river and ventured east until she met Elured and Elurin.

Elured and Elurin had been living semi-nomadically in Ossiriand in this time, with some help and guidance from the green elves there. Before they were of age, they lived with a small group of green elves in a hidden village of flets. They were not taken in my one specific family, but the whole village helped in their upbringing. They were taught to survive, fight, and to be able to sneak through the trees and hills with skill no other elves had. Once they were of age they began to live more nomadically, scouting or hunting to help that village.

The year they came of age the green elves gave them a gift that had been found near the River Ascar, the northernmost river in Ossiriand. It was two fine twin swords Thingol had crafted for the twins when he heard of their birth. (there was a small inscription) They had been taken in the sack by the dwarves and almost were cast into the river with the rest of the treasure, but they were found by one of the green elves, and kept. The twins each got a sword, as Thingol had first intended for them, his first great-grandchildren.

Shortly before Gwingloth arrived, the village made the decision to move further south, fearing the growing reports of orcs Elured and Elurin brought. The twins decided to remain while they figured out what they wanted to do. Do they seek out survivors from Doriath or other Sindar? Do they forsake their heritage and remain with the green elves who raised them and taught them?

Gwingloth and Elurin quickly fell in love, but Elured and Elurin found the word of Gondolin's fall to be the last straw in their decision to pursue the rumors they had heard of Elwing in the Havens of Sirion. Elured wished to go alone, as they had been planning to stealthily go to gather information, not to enter the city, so both of them did not need to go, and one of them needed to stay with Gwingloth as she recovered from the shock of Gondolin's fall and the battle, and her long, hungry journey south. Elured also... hinted... to Elurin that perhaps he should be trying to research Noldor and Sindar marriage traditions wink wink.

Elured traveled extremely light, nearly nothing with him but some basics he gathered and supplies and tools he made. He did bring his twin sword, as it was the finest weapon he had and he did not wish to be about without it, but he put a small enchantment on the inscription, hiding it. He first traveled north-west, in the direction of Nargothrond, to see if any survivors of Gondolin passed through the west part of the region. He was hoping inconspicuously to join a group of survivors heading to Sirion, and to tell them the story that he had been living in the wilderness ever since his city fell.

This worked a little too well, and he encountered the main group of survivors from Gondolin sheltering in Taur-en-Faroth, the forests on the west and south sides of Nargothrond. He called himself Ereinion, which had been Beren's nickname for him, as he was descended from Kings of Elves and Men. Perhaps he should've thought his story through more, with him being found outside a fallen city of the Noldor, and having darker hair, like most of the Noldor, with highlights that shone like gold in the sunlight, because rumors begin to fly that he is Finrod's, Orodreth's, or, somehow, Fingon's son. He tried to deflect, saying his appearance took more after his mother. The enchantment that both he and Elurin wove around themselves was still in effect, and made people see what they expected when they were looked upon. So the survivors expected to see the son of a noldor king? Well, that is what they saw.

He thought that quelled the rumors, so he continued travelling with them for some months, because it was safer. When they arrive in the Havens in the late winter (march???) of 511, he hears that it is true, Elwing is alive, but is almost immediately brought to the Isle of Sirion, for they started to believe him to be the rightful king of the Noldor.

It is on the Isle of Balar where he finally has to confront the fact that they think him to be their rightful king. He feared what would happen should the truth come out, and panics (privately), but ends up going along with it, planning to use it just until he can see Elwing, then... well he wasn't sure yet.

It takes months for the opportunity for him to return to the Havens of Sirion, and by then he was crowned as Gil-galad, King of the Noldor... and discovered just how busy that title makes you (karma?). By then it is late summer of 511, almost a year after he left Elurin and Gwingloth on a journey they expected to take only a few months. He had tried to covertly send messenger birds, but most returned with their messages unopened, if they returned at all.

Once he arrives in Sirion, he once again has a stoke of bad luck. Not only is Elwing considered just a little too young* to meet him, the King, he is too busy with politics and meetings to be able to sneak away to see her.

*I also have Elwing aging at an accelerated rate as well, she is almost 18, but is incorrectly considered too immature by a few of the other rulers of the Havens (who have sticks up their buts), so she is kept away.

Elured has to return to Balar, but the next year he is finally allowed to meet Elwing, for she finally set those other rulers straight, and is taking her place as leader of the Havens. The ceremony was small, but in the following days Elured was invited to meet her, not on strictly official business, but so the two of them could simply meet as people and leaders.

Elured is guided to her lovely home in the Havens, and when he knocks, he hears a call to enter, and he steps inside and into the living space. It's well decorated, cozy and lived it, and there's a vase of lily of the valley and cyclamen on a mantel above the hearth.

It had been so, so long since he had seen his little sister. And his breath caught for a moment when he saw her. She's so grown up. Without us. Elured thought, tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Ah you must be King Gil-galad! Suilad! It is so wonderful to finally meet you!"

"Ahm," he cleared his throat, "yes, it is wonderful to, meet you, too. I'm so glad we finally got the chance..." he trailed off.

"How goes matters on the Isle? Good? Well..." she continued talking but Elured was barely listening.

He worked rapidly to drop the enchantment disguising his identity, in denial, No, it must be the enchantment, that must be why she... why she doesn't he thought frantically as it finally came down.

But she didn't react. She kept on speaking about how things were in the Havens, until she notices his lack of response, she pauses, and looks closer at him. "Are... are you part maia as I am?" She haltingly asks.

"I. I am, yes, as you are." Elured hesitantly answers. Is this it? Is she starting to recognize me?

But she takes his hesitant response as him not wishing to speak of it, and says "I'm sorry, I did not mean to pry, and you need not answer. I too understand having a past too painful to speak of."

Elured nods, shocked and despairing. She didn't know him. His sister didn't know him anymore.

Elured is devastated that his sister does not know him, and perhaps it is cowardice, or perhaps he does not wish to bring her more pain by showing up in this life she's worked hard to make for herself and telling her that he is her brother, that both of her brothers were alive... and they shared the same past she called too painful to speak of.

Upon his return to Balar that day, he throws himself into work as High King of the Noldor, just a little longer, he tells himself. Then I'll go home. Just a little longer.

But days turn to months, and months into two years, and it is 514 when he can finally return to Ossiriand, for he did not want to forsake the people who had come to rely on him. He is only able to go back under the guise of seeking a stronger alliance with the green elves, but one night, when he is not so far from his home, he is able to slip away from his guards.

He travels light, only his one twin sword with him, speeding through the treetops until he reaches the edge of the empty village where they had lived. But all is silent.

As he steps into the flet he shared with his brother, there is not a sound, and it is empty. Gwingloth and his brother are gone.

There was no note, no message anywhere in the village, nor the trees. He is so desperate he checks the ground, for when the village was occupied none were allowed to go on the ground under the village to help keep it more hidden, not a trace of them or tracks.

All was silent and empty. His twin is gone. He unsheathes his twin sword, which now truly missing it's partner, it's other half, as he is. He drives it into the ground in the middle of the village, standing alone as a memorial... or as a grave, and he rips off a bit of his robe, with his new sigil of silver stars on a blue field.

Gil-galad turns and walks back to his camp, and his people. Once again devastated.

[eaymtb]

It's three weeks today since I last wrote a chapter and I'm feeling weirdly anxious about that fact, like. I've taken accidental long breaks before, but never longer than 14 days and never on purpose and I'm just. It feels bad? XD It feels bad. And it's not an obligation thing, or an external expectations thing, or a productivity thing. It's something internal that I can't quite explain. I suppose in a way it's good, that not writing feels wrong somehow. It's a little like that feeling when I know I've forgotten something really important but can't remember what. Except I know what it is in this case. But it's similar to that, that looming 'what am I not doing, what important thing am I not doing? oh no.'

It's undoubtedly exacerbated by having just collated my word count tracking into a tab on the spreadsheet. I've been tracking up to this point by posting screenshots each time I post a chapter in a discord server I share with a friend as a progress/update/be my cheerleader bitch kind of thing. So this is the first time I've actually seen it all laid out neatly, all together, after scrolling back through that channel and collecting all the data. I had a Moment when I re-calculated the monthly word total for April. It was under 30k and I was so sure I'd hit my goal for that month. But I'm also really bad at math, so the possibility I'd just messed up adding my word counts as I was going was very real. Until I remembered the goal was 25k so yes, yes I did in fact hit that goal, lol. It's super cool that eaymtb is over 100k now, I never thought I'd write something that long. But the monthly word count goals are what's satisfying. Probably because those are challenges and goals I can actually set for myself and meet. I didn't end up making the 30k goal for May. I kind of did on a technicality if I count the catwin fic I posted. But I'm not counting it because that feels like cheating. So, nope, didn't make May's word count goal. Sad forever!

Actually I think I might be freaking out over June being empty of data? God my mental health is so fucking weird. I can't tell if it's an anxiety thing or an autistic thing. Both, probably. Apparently my nervous system thinks I'm going to fucking die if I don't have at least one thing to put in June. XD

Okay, well, I guess I'm going to have to see about writing the next chapter then. Slowly, though, I've got two weeks left of my self-prescribed break, so I can potter and take my time instead of sprinting.

Edit: Oh LOL. TMI probably, but I just realized all my longer breaks (10 days in Feb, 14 in April, 11 May, all coincide with my PMS/period cycle, which makes perfect sense. March was a random easy, low pain cycle which happens sometimes, which is probably why that break was only 6 days. This is why I love collating data. It makes what should be an obvious pattern actually apparent.

[agnesandhilda]

yesterday was my last night in my freshman dorm, and as I went to go shower for the night, it started to sink in that I wouldn't be allowed to come back here again. I ignored what the reality of leaving home to go to college would be like all summer up until the day I did it and had a breakdown in the fall semester because of the transition, so I figured I'd take some time to acknowledge it now instead of letting it hit all at once.

so I'm in my communal restroom with my little shower caddy and this is the deadest I've ever seen it past midnight. I'm all alone here, and this shitty little bathroom is making me kind of wistful. like, even if I make fun of this dorm a lot, I guess I'll miss it? I moved houses in june last year so this is more familiar than my own, actual house at this point. I'm not sad, necessarily, but there's a certain weight to the moment.

I open my favorite shower stall (it was number one btw) to clean myself up and, right as I go to put my toiletries in the little divot in the wall where you're supposed to keep your stuff while bathing, I notice that some barbarian, some absolute freak, has left a wad of gum there. no wrapper, no nothing. they were just chewing gum in the shower and when they were done they just stuck it there. there is a trashcan less than ten feet away. there is no reason for them to do that besides laziness and a hatred for the janitors who work here.

and that ended my little moment of seriousness <3 keep doing you [DORM NAME REDACTED] stay silly girl