#I'm a horrible thing why do i only know how to complain and cry about things I'm so pathetic

[angered-box]

ughhh

[mind-intheclouds342]

Do it for them - Co-captain reader x Curly

Previous - Part 9 - Next

You banged on the door of the room where that man was locked up, waking him up abruptly.

"Let's talk"

Jimmy: "I thought visiting hours were over."

He complained, turning around to turn his back to the door.

"Don't try to be funny with me, Jimmy. What the hell did we do to deserve so much hate from you?"

Jimmy: "Don't play innocent, you know very well what you did!"

"Honestly, I have no idea! That's why I'm asking you!"

Jimmy: "Of course, because I was always the shadow of your dear husband. You never turned to look at me again after you got with him, you never smiled at me like you did with him, you didn't even speak to me. It was as if I were invisible to you!"

"Oh, of course I was looking at you!"

Jimmy: "Then why didn't you ever tell me anything?!"

He shouted that, getting up from his bed to head towards the glass that separated them, watching your face to see you when you replied.

"BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU!"

You screamed with all your lungs, to the point of making your throat hurt.

"You always brought trouble to Curly! He was always so naive, a sucker for approval, of being the good guy in the story, of not letting anyone down! That's why he never abandoned you! I knew better that's why i stopped talking with you! Because you were and are a piece of shit!" 

Jimmy: "Oh, but you talk as if I were the only fucked up one in the story."

"Yes! I admit it! I was also a mess when I met Curly, but I did something, I was able to see beyond that mess I was, he showed me that I could improve, he gave me opportunities that I knew how to take advantage of and become a better person! In someone who could make his mother proud instead of making her cry because she didn't know if he was coming home or not!"

There was a silence when you finished saying that, until you saw him smirk, that reaction you didn't like at all.

Jimmy: "You're right, Curly loves to please, you should know that very well."

"Ugh, for the love of God, I don't know why I try to reason with you, it's impossible."

Jimmy: "But you were the only one who refused to give in to make me happy."

You opened your eyes wide upon hearing that, turning again to the man who still wore that smug smile.

Jimmy: "Just as beautiful and messed up as I am, I thought you would understand me, but then you became a good girl, yet I still hoped you would look at me..."

"Shut up-"

Jimmy: "Oh, and the damn way Curly talked about you, how incredible you are, so kind, hardworking, so beautiful."

"I tell you to shut up-"

Jimmy: "Those lovely moles in the center of your chest that look like a constellation"

"He wouldn't talk about those things with you!"

Jimmy: "I saw it myself"

You felt like you were going to puke at that moment, you didn't want to believe that he had really done something like that to you while you were unconscious, you didn't want your suspicions to be confirmed, you refused to believe it.

"Liar. Anya wouldn't leave me alone, she would lock the nursery door-" 

Jimmy: "Yes, yes, she did that, it was a pain in the ass. Every night when she went to sleep, she locked the nursery with that code that only Curly and she knew... But that place wasn't closed while someone was inside."

"She wouldn't let you get close to me!"

Jimmy: "They were so sweet, Anya staying by your side saying she had to make sure all your signs were okay, and when she left, she would ask Swansea if he could keep an eye on you. But he was so depressed that he didn't dare to stay with you for long, so... I took his place to make sure you were okay."

"In front of Curly..."

You murmured at having to imagine the scene your husband had to witness without being able to do anything about it other than watch.

Jimmy: "That was the funniest thing"

You hugged tightly, feeling a horrible tingling all over your body, as if you were dirty.

Jimmy: "Swansea had no idea about anything, Anya didn't want to talk about it with anyone else. Thanks to her silence, I was able to finally look at that body that you always hide from me, thanks to Swansea's stupidity and feeling sad for his little captain, feeling all guilty and shit."

Swansea: "What did he just say..." 

You turned to see Swansea at the end of the hallway, carrying Jimmy's rations, holding an axe firmly in the other hand; he had managed to hear everything.

"Swansea-"

Swansea: "Open the door, captain"

"Listen - it's not worth it, do you have any idea what they'll do to you if they find out you hurt someone from the crew? Please, I don't want them to lock you up." 

You said immediately, positioning yourself in front of him, trying to get him to see you, but his eyes were glued to the door where he could see Jimmy's face.

Swansea: "How are they going to know? Let's say it was an accident. Open the door!"

You wanted to keep reasoning with him, but you couldn't deny that you also wished he would face consequences for his actions.

You took the axe from his hands, making him look at you annoyed.

"I won't take the risk of you killing him."

Those were your last words before opening the door, Swansea didn't take much more than a few seconds to fully open the door, step inside, and throw himself at Jimmy.

You could hear the sound of the blows, the insults, and the screams.

You stood at the door wide open, axe in hand, watching as the blood spread across the floor with each blow Swansea dealt.

You watched Jimmy and tilted your head, waiting for him to defend himself.

You wouldn't hesitate to cut off his hands if he touched Swansea.

[owliellder]

circling back to this finally!

i'm so sorry i wasn't able to do this sooner. i was gonna write it out yesterday but i was busy surviving a tummy ache on top of a 60 hour work week.

i tried to make this super duper sweet for you. forgive me, my sweet anon 💔

ID! Leon x Pregnant! Reader

MDNI 18+

Pregnancy was more than difficult.

Day in and out you hoped your pregnancy would be easy like your friends' had been, but of course you can't always get what you want.

Dealing with everything you didn't want to happen was more than frustrating, and for the first seven months, Leon was constantly being pulled away from you to work.

However, that man was incredibly helpful when he was home, doting on you as if you'd break at the slightest breeze. The most amazing person you could ever ask for.

Swollen ankles, strong food cravings, intense mood swings, horrible morning sickness which is not limited to just the morning, and the overall struggle to perform basic tasks was hard to handle, physically and emotionally. Everything would be so much better if you just had more of Leon.

Closing in on the eight-month mark, he was finally able to take leave, those months of stressing his need to be at home with you ultimately paying off in the end.

From there, you were taken care of. Everything you asked for, you got. You wanted a large pizza at three in the morning? No problem. Need help getting your socks on in the morning? You don't even need to ask. Can you get a back massage? Is that even a question?

You were never afraid to ask Leon for anything, expect for one thing. The need for this specific thing had been growing throughout your pregnancy and you weren't really expecting it to, hoping it would simply come and go. That thing that you were dreading bringing up to him was sex.

Understandably, it was a hard topic to approach, seeing as the man would treat you like expensive china. And no matter how many times he told you, that nagging voice in the back of your head was constantly whispering negative insults about yourself; you're overweight, you're too needy, you complain too much, etc.

Thinking about asking would always lead to you crying and that freaked Leon out, immediately rushing to make sure you were okay. That really only made you cry more. He was so unbelievably sweet and kind, how could you think so low of him to say no to such a simple request like sex?

You always refused to tell him why you were crying, brushing it off as hormones or maybe you just saw a video of the cutest kitten being rescued. You'd cried over similar things, so it was easy to excuse.

Though you'd been able to ignore the urge for quite some time, you couldn't ignore it forever.

The baby had you up at odd hours of the night to waddle into the bathroom, waking Leon in the process since the guy is the lightest sleeper ever. It never failed to make you cry, apologizing for waking him, to which he would just gently shush you while helping you to and from the toilet.

After one such bathroom trip, you couldn't fall back asleep, doing your best to ignore that feeling breaking away at your composure.

"Leon? Are you still awake?" You suddenly whispered, looking away from your phone to study him for any sort of movement.

"Mm.. mhm.." He breathed in through his nose as he rolled onto his side to face you, eyes squinting from the glow of your phone. "What's up baby?"

All you could do was stare, silently working up the courage to ask. Your need was too hard to ignore now, and that deep, sleepy voice of his wasn't helping. "I-... can I ask you for something?"

Leon nodded and slowly lifted himself up, resting his head in his hand as he propped himself up with his elbow. "You don't need to ask, just let me know what you need and I'll do it. Or get it."

"You have to promise me you won't laugh, okay?" You placed your phone down on your stomach, screen side down.

Leon pursed his lips, raising an eyebrow. "I promise."

"Is it-.." You paused, running one of your hands over the top of the other nervously. You didn't really think this far ahead, so forming the question was proving difficult. "Uh.. would it be weird if I asked for sex right now..?"

His soft laugh broke the silence and that only made you even more nervous. "You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry, I just think you're funny." Leon lifted himself up so he was now sitting up next to you, scooting closer in the process. "It's not weird to ask." His voice remained low and smooth, which did help calm your nerves. If only a little.

"Are you sure it's not weird? Cause I've been having urges for months and-" You were cut off by his hand suddenly grabbing yours, stopping you from fidgeting. "You've been having urges for months? And you didn't tell me?"

The question itself was definitely not meant to come off as mean, but regardless it was bringing you close to tears, bottom lip quivering as you tried to apologize once more.

"No- hey, hey c'mon.. I would never say no to you, sweetheart." He brought his hand up to stroke you cheek, wiping a stray tear away with his thumb.

"But-" You tried again only to be cut off again. "No buts. You're perfect, I love you, and I want you." He leaned over and kissed the tip of your nose before planting a tender kiss to your lips.

You gave Leon a weak smile before you let him take off your nightgown and lay you down, lifting up a bit so he could slip his pillow underneath you to cradle the small of your back. He triple checked that you were comfortable, running his hands along the swell of your belly.

Such tender touches, such sweet kisses. This man provided you with everything you could possibly want, how did you end up so lucky?

Your underwear hasn't fit you since month six and maternity underwear felt a little constricting, so you've been going without them for awhile. Leon definitely didn't mind that.

"Wanting sex for months and never asked..." He shook his head with another soft laugh, dragging his rough hands up your body to massage your swollen breasts which made you gasp. "I'll never be able to resist you."

He squeezed your breasts and pinched your nipples, letting out sounds akin to growls as he watched your milk-filled breasts leak at his ministrations. "Been wanting to play with these since you bought those pumps. Making me jealous of them."

His gravely voice was hitting all the right spots in your brain. "Leon.. please.." You whined, biting at your bottom lip in a poor attempt to hide your increased sensitivity.

"So pretty for me. Always so beautiful." He bent over you, careful of your stomach, to bring one of your nipples into his mouth. The vibration of his moan made you cry out, hands flying into his hair. He sucked and swirled his tongue around it, eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated.

Leon pulled off with a loud pop, swallowing with a sigh before moving over to your other nipple, repeating the process over. By the time he was done taking his fill of your milk, you were a crying, drooling mess. You gave up hiding your pitiful noises as soon as you started trying.

"Tastes so good.." Leon groaned, giving both of your nipples one last harsh suck before kissing his way down your stomach to your dripping pussy.

For a brief moment you were embarrassed at the fact that you hadn't shaved, you hadn't been able to since your stomach masked the view that you needed. Yet, he said nothing but the sweetest things as he stroked through your folds with his finger, bringing it into his mouth before quickly descending between your legs.

He groaned into your cunt, lapping at your entrance and clit like it was the last thing he'd ever do. You were soaked, he couldn't just pass up getting a good taste of you.

"Fuck! Leon- ah~!" You moaned as he sucked on your clit, making sure he paid extra attention to it. He sat back on his legs with a content sigh, giving your pussy a few extra rubs with his fingers before sinking the entirety of his middle finger into you. Before you knew it, he was stretching you with two. "Couldn't fuck you without giving this neglected pussy a little extra attention.."

He was so skillful with his fingers, stretching you out like it was an art, but you were desperate to have him deep in you, aching to your core. "N-no more-.. gah.. I need more.. please Leon..."

"Yeah? You need more?" Leon cooed, thrusting his fingers in you a few more times before slowly pulling them out. "Need my cock deep in that cunt?" Feeling him grind his dick against your slick folds was torture. He knew just how badly you needed it and he *still* decided to tease you.

"Yes! Please! God, please.." Your moan fell to a whimper as he carefully pushed the tip of his dick into you, pausing for a moment to rub the tops of your thighs as they trembled with your orgasm. "Poor thing, just feels that good huh?"

One of Leon's hands on your face brought you to open your eyes again. You didn't even realize you started crying until he wiped them from your temple. You could only nod, leaning your head against his hand as he sunk deeper into you.

Once he was flush against you, you both let out a sigh, sitting still so he could caress your body. His hands felt so good against your hot skin, eyes falling back closed as he massaged your breasts for a minute.

It wasn't long before he started to thrust into you, his slow place quickly frustrating you. "Faster, Leon- ngh~.. I-.. I'm not gonna break I promise!" You whined, panting in between words.

"You're perfect." Leon wasn't going to pass up a request like that, immediately beginning to pound your sloppy cunt once his hands settled on the barely visible divots from your hips. "Feel so good around me, baby~..."

You were incredibly sensitive from already having came once and his brutal pace was bringing you close to another. He knew just what angle to hit at and just what to say to get you right back to that edge.

You felt amazing with Leon taking care of you like this. Even as your body changed, he still made you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

"That's it, ohhh, there ya go baby~.. Fuck that's hot.." Leon grunted as you came again, your walls clamping around him. He leaned back a bit to watch his cock disappear into your cunt as he neared his own high. "Gonna cum baby, shit, I'm gonna cum-" He spilled his seed deep inside you with a long, drawn out moan, gripping onto you tightly as his thrusts slowed to a stop.

After catching his breath, he let out an airy laugh, bending over to kiss right above your belly button before pulling out of you.

"I promised I would take care of you, didn't I?" He whispered against your skin, and you nodded with a small hum. "Right. So the next time you want me to fuck you, please don't be afraid to jump my bones."

You couldn't help but let out a laugh of your own, placing your arm over your eyes. If you knew pregnancy sex would be this good, you would've asked him ages ago.

[multifandomwhore-003]

Random Hazel Callahan headcanons that have been rotting my brain for the past couple of days:

Pairing: Hazel Callahan x female! reader

Summary: Not needed

Genre(s): a little angsty at first, after that's it's just pure fluff

Warnings: mentions of trauma and maladaptive daydreaming

A/N: I'M GONNA WRITE MORE FOR HER BECAUSE I NEED IT SO STAY TUNED, also I listened to False God by Taylor Swift the entire time I wrote this.

Taglist: @aemonds-holy-milk , join tag list here

• She has horrible listening skills, usually her house has been a pretty noisy and chaotic place, even before her parents divorced, so she's learned to mute the outside world.

• It tends to annoy pretty much everyone else outside the fight club, the only exception being PJ, she perhaps got annoyed more than anyone.

• When you first noticed you had to repeat yourself at least five times whenever she was around, you tried to come up with different ways for her to keep up, like texting her as you spoke so she could read it as much as she needed to.

• Later on you found out it wasn't just about losing track of a conversation, as you asked to borrow one of her headphones one time, you were shocked her ears weren't bleeding right then and there.

"Fucking hell, Hazel! Are you trying to break your ears or something?" your ears hurt for a second.

"It's not loud at all" She placed them on her neck.

"Baby, I can hear the music coming out of those things like a concert speaker,"

• You decided to invite her over to your house as often as possible, demanding a no-headphones rule.

"Why not?!" she complained.

"Because you're gonna be completely deaf at the age of 40!"

"And you'll be there to teach me sign language, right?" she hugged your waist.

"You're saying you prefer not hearing my voice for the rest of our lives?" you lifted a brow.

• The realazation dawned on her.

• To this day she hasn't worn headphones a single day in her life.

• Maladaptive daydreaming is also something she struggles with, not as much now as she used to in middle school and the first two years of high school, but it still happens sometimes.

• You found out when you decided to surprise her by coming to her house one day

• Mrs. Callahan said she couldn't get in contact with Hazel, for whatever reason.

• Most likely her phone turned off since it was out of battery.

• So she texted you she was gonna be missing all night, permitted you to stay the night, and told you to take care of Hazel.

• You found her in the kitchen yelling, it sounded as if she was yelling at someone.

"Are you ever gonna choose me over a booty call?! How is it that Jeff's dick is more important than me?! Your daughter! You fucking pushed me out and you still can't even ask me how my grades are doing and shit!"

• Your first thought was —Her mom's plans must've been canceled—

• As you approached the room as quietly as possible, you looked through the rim of the entrance, there was no one.

"Hazel," you spoke quietly through her screams.

A shiver went down her spine, he face turned white, she blinked a couple of times before turnind her head, "How much of that did you hear?" she avoided your eyes.

"I've never heard you like that," was all you could mutter as you approached her slowly and then embraced her in a hug, "I know you're not insane by the way," you whispered in her hair.

She began to cry.

• She didn't want to talk about it for the next few days

• When she did, she stumbled upon her words, talked too fast, and teared up every once in a sentence.

"Call me first," you cupped her face, "I'll never judge you for whatever you have to say,"

• She wanted to kiss you right then and there, but just rested her forehead on yours, an act of ultimate intimacy.

• I could get into the divorced parents' trauma for hours because same

• But for now I'll move on to the happy part

• Physical touch is the absolute most pure form of love she can give

• If she's not hugging your waist at all times, she's holding your hand, resting her head on your chest, shoulders, legs, etc. pretty much everywhere she can

• If you have long or medium hair she'll attempt to braid your hair, keyword attempt

• If you have short hair she'll buy little elastic ponytails to tie them around your head everywhere she can

• Her reasoning behind this is that her favorite plants are cactuses

• That's it, that's all the reasons she needs

• If you happen to be bald she'll rub your head while singing the chorus to Diamonds by Rihanna

• She plays ukelele

• She knows how to make a few origami figures and if she tries a new one, as crumbled and sweaty as it is she gives it to you

• You have a whole shelf in your room dedicated to every piece of folded paper she's ever done for you

• If you're more of a fem! girl, she'll try something of yours whenever she comes over and stare at her reflection for hours

"Good thing, god didn't make me straight, she knew I would be a menace,"

• You can only roll your eyes and laugh at her twirling and pretending to dance ballet in your dresses and skirts

• If she happens to go shopping without you, she'll try something you'll like and send you the photo after

"If it looks this good on me, imagine how AMAZING it'll look on you,"

• She once asked you to put makeup on her, she'll say she was just curious how she'd look

• She wasn't lying, but she also didn't mention she just wanted to recreate this picture:

• If you happen to be more of a masc! girl, you'll trade clothes as often as you can think

• More than once you have arrived at school with something she likes and just drags you to the bathroom to for you to make the exchange

• It's not her clothes and your clothes anymore, everything you own is hers and vice versa

• More often than not you're no longer sure what used to be only yours

• This goes for accessories and shoes as well, even if they don't fit her, she'll fill them up with toilet paper until they fit just fine

• You'll match AT LEAST once a week, as per her request of course

• She tries all kinds of chips (or crisps for my British luvs) she has tried every flavor and seasoning, but her favorites and the flaming hot ones, even if she ends up chugging your waterbottle after finishing the bag

• Although her parents are rich and taught her from a young age to be a precise wine taster, she's a tequila and vodka girl

• She hates gloomy and rainy days because they bring down her mood, but spending the day binge-watching cheesy movies and stuffing her stomach with all the snacks o her house makes it up

• She's ABSOLUTE SHIT at Karaoke, but my god does she have the spirit

• Her go-to song is Lies by Fleetwood Mac, but if she's drunk enough to gain confidence she'll request Easy On Me by Adele

•  If she insists for long enough and you decide to sing with her, she 100% will try to recreate the following musical numbers:

• Lay all you love on me -Mamma Mia

• Every duet there is in Teen Beach Movie, her favorite childhood movie

• The cellblock tango -Chicago and Ex-Wives -from Six, if the rest of the fight club joins as well

• Popular from Wicked, strangely enough, she's Glinda

• Seventeen -Heathers

• Candy Store -Heathers featuring Isabel as Heather Mc Namara, Josie as Martha Dunnstock, and PJ as Veronica (She was heavily forced to after Brittany suggested it)

• Smooth Criminal -The Glee cast cover

• If you're a good singer, or at least a decent one, at the end of the song she'll hype you up more than anyone in the crowd, even carry you (this also applies to my plus size! lovelies, DON'T YOU WORRY, she has muscles)

• If you're a bad singer, then you'll be shit together, the worse your voices sound, the better you'll enjoy it

• Onto the kissing and overall more stereotypical relationship stuff, aka the not-so-comfortable part of my asexual-spectrum girlies.

• As previously shown in the original material

• Kissing is slow and passionate, she likes to enjoy your lips as much as possible, taking in every movement, taste, and breath

• Hands on your jaw  and neck EVERY FUCKING TIME

• The first few times you offered her some chapstick or lipstick, or lipgloss, or lip oil, or anything, she would kiss you making you chuckle in surprise

• Now you don't even need to ask, she'll just be like

"Hey, your lips look beautiful," and peck you on the lips

• If you're alone it definitely turns into a whole makeout session

• She just claims it tastes too good not to do it

• Every once in a while she'll hug you from behind and aggressively kiss your cheek

• Good luck kisses before every test

• Her favorite kind of dates are picnic dates

• She takes pictures of the sky whenever she feels it matches your vibe

• She takes A LOT of pictures of you ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, she even went as far as to buy a film camera because they make everything more magical

• She reads A LOT

• She obviously knows too much about social injustices and everything regarding that realm, but she likes other things as well

• Avid fantasy reader, I DON'T MAKE THE RULES,

• Going back to this need for escapism, she was heavily raised by George R.R. Martin and Leigh Bardugo

• Definitely screamed, jumped, and overall looked like she was in a sugar rush when both Game of Thrones and Shadow and Bone came out

• She wasn't exactly allowed to watch Game of Thrones at the time it came out, so she watched when she was 16 instead

• Shadow and Bone, however, oh boy, it was whole event

• She cosplayed Sturmhond and made you cosplay as Zoya

.

.

.

That's it for now children, if I come up with anything else I'll do a part two or even better write something more complete

[nariism]

come out and haunt me

pair. itoshi sae x ghost!reader

content: fluff, angst/comfort with a happy ending, reader is a ghost, platonic + romantic interactions, strangers to friends (to more?), slight pining

synopsis. sae is 13 years old when he moves to madrid. his temporary apartment is old and cheap, and worst of all it's haunted. but he finds your company better than nothing, even if you do tend to knock all of his belongings over.

wc. 5.7k

You are dead.

As it comes to all mortal humans, you have died. You can't remember when, or how, or why— only that it is your duty to haunt this home, that you are abysmally cold, and that you are dead.

You don't know if you had any last words, what it was like to draw a breath, or how to stop feeling so cold. Cradling yourself somehow makes it worse. But you are dead, so what does it matter if you can't remember?

If you had aspirations and meaning in life, then you suppose you should try to find them in death, too. So you float around empty halls, deliberately bump into things just for the fun of it, and pretend that you aren't dead. It is purposeful enough.

There's a boy who lives with you.

You are dead, and he is alive, yet he seems completely unbothered by your loud, obnoxious presence.

Sae feels more dead than alive.

He is 13 years old when he moves into his temporary home in Madrid. It's old and worn. It is all his parents could afford with Yen in a foreign country.

His new home is despairingly lonely. It makes the heart in his chest sink into the pit of his stomach. He misses Rin. His parents. Japan.

He should be thankful. He doesn't mean to be a brat. But the small apartment is cramped and cold and smells like mildew. He's allergic to something in the walls. His light buzzes horribly when it turns on.

And, well. The place is haunted.

You are a ghost haunting an old, rickety apartment in Madrid.

You've never seen your reflection in the mirror, but you're pretty sure you look scary. There has been others before him— a young couple with a dog; a retired carpenter; a businessman complaining about how shitty work is over the phone. Each and every one of them have left you the same way: screaming, crying, colour drained from their faces and packing their suitcase before you could even say hello.

It's a little lonely, being a ghost. Sometimes you wish you came off a little friendlier. You have no ill intent, you're just bored. Bored and lonely and wishing to know why everyone thinks you're so terrifying.

The boy who lives with you is the first. He's the first to look you dead in the eyes and shrug you off. He's the first to fall asleep knowing your presence is watching. He's the first to leave out a bowl of warm, steaming rice for you even though he seems to know you can't physically eat it.

His company is silent, as is yours. It's better than nothing.

Sae is 13 years and 5 months old when he tells Rin his apartment is haunted.

"A ghost? Seriously?" Rin sounds unimpressed even through the static of the phone call. Take it from the kid who watches horror movies in his spare time. Freak, Sae thinks.

"Seriously. I have a picture."

He can hear his brother pulling his phone away from his ear to look at the image he just sent. The call goes quiet for a moment, and then Rin is scoffing in the microphone again.

"Quit messing with me." The younger Itoshi sighs. "This isn't funny."

Rin is only 11. He lives at home with Mom and Dad. He's not alone right now, in a place where everyone speaks a jumbled language he can't decipher yet.

He doesn't understand that even if Sae isn't being haunted, he shouldn't crush his brother's hopes that someone, or something, is watching over him.

"I'm not," Sae deadpans.

"Yeah, okay, and what does this ghost do, then?" He still sounds skeptical.

"Mostly just knocks over my books and stuff."

From his couch, he watches you bristle in embarrassment and scurry away into the darkness of the hall.

You are some sort of untethered soul, unsure of where your actual body rests. It could be 10 meters from this apartment. It could be in Antarctica, for all you know.

Okay, well, Antarctica is a bit of a reach, but you're certain that your body is somewhere. You wonder what kind of clothes you used to wear; what kind of music you used to listen to; what kind of hairstyle you used to prefer.

You wonder if these things are anything like Sae's.

He's all you have right now. It would be nice if you had some things in common. Maybe you could be friends, if he was ever going to acknowledge you to your face instead of gossiping to his brother.

You watch him quietly from the kitchen table, waiting for your bowl of rice. You must make some kind of face when he instead places a plate of eggs in front of you.

He almost laughs, you think. He hasn't shown any sort of emotion in response to you thus far, so it's hard to tell.

"Coaches told me I have to be stricter about my diet," he says out loud. It's the first words he has ever spoken to you. It's the first words anyone has ever spoken to you.

He eats his bland eggs silently after that remark, eyeing them disdainfully.

You have that in common, at least. You miss your warm bowl of rice.

Sae thinks you are funny.

He's only ever known ghosts to be malicious, benevolent beings. Things stuck in purgatory with no way out, forced to wander the mortal plane and thus turning into baneful monsters. Watching spooky movies with Rin has ingrained this into him—  hardwired his brain into giving him goosebumps whenever you're around even though he knows you're harmless.

He has to wonder how anyone could ever find a ghost like you genuinely scary, with your avoidant eyes and that patience while you wait for breakfast.

He doesn't mind doing twice the amount of dishes. Not if it means he doesn't feel alone.

You do silly things, like shoving his belongings over when you want his attention, or sitting on the floor and blowing bone-chillingly cold air into his face when he's taking his midday nap.

He's discovered that your inconsistent corporeal interactions with the world are quite amusing.

"What's your name?" He asks one day over eggs that he's shoving around on his plate.

Silence. Of course.

"Don't have one?"

You shake your head, but really, you don't know. You can't remember.

Sae has never been the talkative type, but for some reason he just can't keep his mouth closed. Being a complete shut-in and not having anyone to talk to outside of his team would do that to him, he guesses. He's thankful that you at least don't seem to have a language barrier when he speaks Japanese.

"Should I name you?"

Your offended expression screams: What am I, a pet?

He just smiles, placing his fork down and observing you carefully. And the name he decides on dances at the tip of his tongue, sounds so sweet coming from his lips.

You can't help but think the name was meant for you, in life or in death.

You like listening to Sae talk.

He has a voice smooth as silk, so charming and boyish. He's young, you think. He told you once that you also looked rather young, and asked you how old you were when you died.

Even if you had an answer for him, it's not like you could have told him.

Sae is famous for his age, you discover one night while watching television with him. You're sitting on the floor and he's on the couch. You cause the TV to frizzle and crack with static but he doesn't shoo you away. Maybe he finds your presence more valuable than the background noise of the screen.

He's in a recording, playing what he calls "football"— light blue uniform, eyes wide with adrenaline, sweat sticking to his forehead and a proud shine in his expression. He isn't smiling by any means (you've also discovered that he rarely does), but you can tell he's happy.

"I'm going to be the greatest striker," he says from the couch. He talks about his dreams a lot, which is apparently what he used to do with Rin, but you don't mind filling in that role temporarily. "I'm going to be the best in the entire world."

You don't know anything about football, but you believe him anyways.

Sae is 14 years old when he gets his first contract payment.

This is his chance, he realizes, to move out of his shitty little apartment and into an actual livable home.

He has to consider if you'll feel lonely, if you even can feel lonely, and if you'll like hanging out with your next housemate, whoever it is that's unlucky enough to have a ghost befall them.

He's getting soft. If it were any other point in his life, Sae would have taken the chance to move out without hesitation. But you've been there for him since day one, kept him enough company — no matter how quiet — for him not to go literally insane.

You're the only thing he has in Madrid that he can come home to right now. You’re the only reason he even comes home at night instead of just sleeping in the locker rooms.

If not him, who else would feed you crappy bland eggs in the morning?

You, football, sleep. You, football, sleep. You, football, sleep. At some point, it became his routine.

"I was thinking of moving out."

Your head tilts to the side. You seem perplexed by his statement.

"Like, leaving. Leaving here."

You blink at him, head tilting the other way. There's a look in your eyes that tells him you understand. There's also a look that tells him it's not your first time being abandoned, left in this terribly lonely, smelly apartment.

"I can never tell what you're thinking," he huffs.

You're still for a moment, just staring at him as if you suddenly can't understand Japanese. But then you get up from the table, walk over to the container of dry rice that's been untouched for so long that it's gathering dust, and knock it over.

"Hey," he scolds sharply, chair screeching as he stands. "I have to clean that, you know?"

You start moving the spilled rice into place. He watches curiously as you sort dry rice into a pile. You don't know any Kanji, he isn't surprised. But you know enough to draw him a universally understood symbol.

When he peers over at the messy counter, he finds himself staring at a giant X. Stay, it means. Don't leave.

That night, when he knows you've retreated into the closet where you seemingly go to sleep, he crumples up the lease for his new place without signing and burns the paper.

It's because he needs to make you eggs tomorrow morning. Only he would know to do that.

"Do ghosts ever have dreams?"

You raise your head from the edge of the bed. You've made it a new habit to protect him in his sleep, from what he can tell. Perching yourself on the floor beside the mattress and resting there, head in your arms, making his sheets cold.

You shake your head. Of course not, he internally smacks himself. What a ridiculous notion.

He rolls himself over onto his side, looking at you from under his duvet. "So when you sleep, you don't see anything?"

Another shake of the head. He isn't sure you're understanding him. There's another pause as he peers at you, and then he sighs, eyes sliding shut.

"Do ghosts ever have dreams?" He asks again, this time emphasizing his words in a different way and hoping you'll answer him the way he wants.

Your eyes shift away for a second, as if pondering. When you look back he's surprised to see that you look... bashful?

You point at him, then at yourself, then shy away again.

You. Me. Friends.

Sae feels silly that it makes his heart ache a little— the sadness carried in your face and a loneliness so powerful he feels it rattling in his own bones.

Well, the two of you have a lot more in common than he thought. How long had you been alone? Was that really all you ever dreamed of? Having a friend?

Suddenly, his doubts about his own dreams feel immeasurably small.

He reaches out to pat your head. His hand goes through you.

Sae is 15 years old when he packs up his belongings for a flight to Japan.

"I'll be back," he promises with a small smile. You believe him. He doesn't lie to you.

You wait patiently at the door for him for two weeks, three days, and sixteen hours. When he comes home, he finds you sitting on the floor like you always do with your head in your knees and a sleepy expression on your face.

He seems colder. More withdrawn, for some reason.

"Miss me?" Sae asks, but he's not even looking at you. He makes his way over to the kitchen and dumps a cup of rice into the cooker, suitcase abandoned at the door unpacked.

You trail behind him curiously, watching him in confusion as he washes it in the sink. He pauses, finally glancing at you before reaching over and dumping a second cup of rice in.

"I stress eat. Don't tell my coach."

The words don't make much sense to you, but you nod anyways.

For the first time in months, he places a bowl of warm rice in front of you. You do as he does, say thanks for the food in your head even though you can't eat, and observe him. You both sit quietly in the dim light of the apartment, moonlight beaming through your single rickety window.

He only gets four bites in before he puts his head in his hands and sobs.

You've never seen someone cry so hard before. Usually, they only do it when they first catch a glimpse of you and flee in terror. You've never known it to be such a painful sound— like a bird singing for the sky but never finding it.

Sae sits there for a long time just crying to himself, not caring that your presence is still watching. It's not like you'd ever judge him or have the voice to speak this secret, anyways.

"Fuck—" he hiccups, wiping up his face. "—Sorry."

You look at him funny. He has no reason to apologize. He's just a kid. A 15 year old kid who needs to stress eat in the solitude of his lonely apartment right now. It makes your chest squeeze; an unfamiliar, horrible feeling that's completely new to you. You wonder if this is what all the anime he watches calls a heart.

By the time he finishes crying, his rice is cold. And when he looks up, his eyes widen. Your lips are trembling and you look like you want to shout at him, but you can't. You are dead. You're a ghost. You can't yell some sense into him, even if you tried.

In the pale moonlight shining into the room, he can see tears illuminated on your cheeks.

Sae is 16 years old when he meets his first partner.

"They're nice," he reassures you as he slicks his bangs up with gel. You shake your head in disapproval and he rolls his eyes. You always liked his bangs down, thinks he looks better that way. "Well, I can't stay single forever."

You scowl at him and swivel on your heel to stubbornly deny his claims. He just laughs.

"You're seriously jealous?"

You shoot him a glare.

"If you really don't like them, you could always scare them away. You are a ghost, aren't you?" He reaches up to pat your head as he always does. And as always, his hand phases through you.

He turns around to fix his hair again, leaning into the mirror to see himself closer.

You're not sure if you even have human features. You can't see them in a reflection, anyways. Even if you did, you're sure they're pretty scary.

You glance at Sae in the reflection. He looks as good as ever, no longer a scrawny little 13 year old kid who eats rice for breakfast every morning. You wonder if his partner is pretty like he is.

He must notice the chill in the air grow ten times colder— a telling sign that your mood is dropping. He turns around to see what has happened, only to find you sulking.

"What?"

You pout, gesturing to the mirror. He looks to the vanity, then to you, and he shakes his head with an exasperated smile.

"I was wondering when you'd ask," he says as if this was a conversation he's been waiting for. And then he talks. Talks more than you've heard in a long time— since he came home from Japan, probably.

He's gotten meaner over the years. He was always a rude little kid, but being pushed around in football must have given him thicker skin and a sharper tongue. You've never known him to be a saint of a human, someone who speaks so eloquently in their descriptions. But here he is now, defying your every expectation like he always does.

He tells you what colour your hair is. Compares the shape of your head to a fruit you can't recall an image of. Gives you a detailed explanation of all your flaws and marks and why he thinks they're so perfect because it proves that you were indeed alive and human at some point.

"You're beautiful," he concludes casually, as if he's not turning the entire world on its head right now.

Silence fills the room as he waits for your response. You don't do anything but gawk at him, and he chuckles.

He doesn't show up to his date that night.

"Your hair got longer," Sae points out one day while he's scrolling through his phone.

Your eyes flutter open from where your head rests on the coffee table. You hadn't even noticed. Can ghosts grow? 

"You know, I used to think you'd stay the same forever, but you've been growing up with me. It's cute."

Have you? Is it cute? Are you seriously so tethered to him that you've been unconsciously changing to match him?

Sae puts his phone down at your confusion. "Should I give you a birthday if you're going to grow up?"

You don't know what a birthday is. When he tries to explain it, you're even more perplexed. Ghosts don't have birthdays. They have... deathdays.

He puts a cake in front of you anyways and lets you blow out the candles.

Sae is 17 years old when he gets the eviction notice.

Four years. Four long, hard, unbelievably painful years later, and he's finally being kicked out of his house.

13 year old Sae would have celebrated. All he feels now is despair.

He doesn't tell you. He can't. How can he explain that he won't wake up every morning at 6am sharp to make you eggs? That you won't have someone around who will tell you every little thing that's changed about you from the last day? That you won't be able to doodle him little incomprehensible blobs with dry rice anymore?

He shouldn't care so much. You're not chained to this Earth. You might just disappear once he leaves, inperceptable to anyone else. The thought makes him so sick that he throws up that night. He tells you he ate some bad food.

Sae doesn't want you to feel sad or lonely, but it's not like he can just become a squatter in this place. His dream is to play football, not be thrown into jail.

You wake up one morning, and he's gone.

There isn't a note. There isn't an explanation anywhere to be found. There isn't even a trace of evidence that Itoshi Sae ever lived here.

Well, except for the plate of eggs and bowl of rice sitting on the stove.

You thought you would have been used to being alone by now. For some time, you were used to it. But that was many years ago.

You're not sure how long you've been haunting this apartment in Madrid, nor do you know how much time passes after Sae leaves. The world seems to come to a halt, actually. Without him, what fun is being a ghost?

Now you're just a lost soul like all the others. There isn't anything special about you. You're just the ghost that used to haunt Itoshi Sae and wake him up from his naps.

For the first time in years, you only know one thing. A singular fact that keeps you bound to this world: it's your duty to haunt this home. There is nothing else.

No one moves in after Sae leaves. No one new comes to be haunted. No one dares to set foot into this apartment. You remember that there were moments when life flickered inside of you, if even for just a fraction of your infinite time. The reason for that has abandoned you without explanation.

There's a knock on the door one day. You can't open it, and the person outside doesn't bother sticking around to see you phasing through the door to look around.

There's a birthday cake on the floor with candles that say '19' sticking out of it.

Only one human in the entire world would have deemed today to be your 19th birthday. He's nowhere to be seen.

He moves back to Japan on his 21st birthday. Sae is having trouble remembering what you look like, despite seeing you in his dreams every night.

It's a terrible realization. So terrible that it makes him sob into his pillow at night when no one in the world is awake to hear his anguish.

Japan is lonelier than Madrid. He never thought it would happen, and he blames you entirely.

He doesn't have anyone waiting for him when he opens the door to his luxury penthouse apartment. He only washes one plate in the morning. He wakes up from his midday naps undisturbed and rested.

Sae misses you deeply. And he can't help but wonder if you feel the same.

(You don't know what the yearning ache inside of you is. You don't know what to call it.

You miss him, too. You just can't put a name to the feeling.)

He doesn't stop seeing you in wisps; little blurs in his peripheral that make his head turn fast as lightning. Wherever he looks, you're gone.

It's not fair that you're a ghost who both literally and figuratively haunts him. He'd like to move on in life and forget about those 4 miserable years he spent living in that damned apartment.

He can't. Sae is incapable of moving on from that place. The irony of it is that you actually can't move on from that place, for some reason.

He would give anything to have you haunting him again. It doesn't matter where in the world the two of you are, if you were together everything would be okay. He's impossibly lonely without you.

You start to think that you're the selfish one.

The idea of leaving this terrible apartment in Madrid scares you to your very core— whatever soul is resting in your incorporeal body. It's not fair to place the blame entirely on Sae. Not when you're too wimpy to leave this place and find him.

Death is lonely without him.

One step forward, one day at a time. It's the advice Sae used to mutter to himself while getting ready in the morning.

One step forward, one day at a time. One step forward, one day at a time. And day by day, you're slowly inching closer to the door.

Sae talks to Rin and all he can think about is your confused smiles and head tilts. He talks to his parents and all he can imagine is how cold the room would be if it were you. He talks to his fucking therapist and thinks that all of her shitty advice can't compare to your quiet understanding— that your tears of solidarity are the only thing that could make him feel better.

It's fucked up, really, that he can't move on. His body is in Japan going through the motions: playing football, being famous, being interviewed and going home to nothing. His heart is in Madrid. You took it with you and refuse to let go.

You're the closest thing to love he's ever felt, perhaps— his only friend in Spain. His only reason not to leave. A ghost from his childhood that protected him in his sleep and ate bland eggs for breakfast across the table from him every morning. A ghost that would sit on the floor and wait for him to come home every day. A ghost that kept him company when he had no one else.

He loves you. He doesn't. He needs you. He doesn't. He misses you. He doesn't. Whatever. What does it matter now?

"So playing football has always been your dream?"

Sae stares blankly at the interviewer. He's reminded of a distant conversation: he is laying in bed looking at a ghost with a lump in his throat, and then he makes his first and only friend in Spain.

"Yes."

"And now that you're back in Japan, will you be playing for the national team?"

"I have no interest in playing on such a weak team." In other words, he has no reason to stay in Japan.

"So where will you go?"

Anywhere but here, he wants to say. In reality, he doesn't know where to go anymore if not to his old apartment in Spain. He just knows that he wants to come home to your sleepy face.

(That night, he makes two bowls of rice. He cries like he's 15 years old again and just ruined his relationship with his brother.)

You've never been outside before.

You've heard about it, almost entirely from Sae but also from little snippets of anime he liked to watch. It's brighter than you imagined it to be, and warmer. You're not sure you've ever felt so warm before— it's hard to when you are a walking freezer.

There isn't anyone to tell you where to go. No one pays you any mind. You wonder if you even exist anymore outside of the small confines of that old apartment.

Something tells you that you do.

You don't know where to start looking. He could be all the way across the globe for all you know, though he did used to talk about his home country.

You have no map. You have no sense of direction. You have no one to ask for help. 

All you have is the soul caged within your ghostly body tugging in one direction, and wispy feet dragging your body along in response.

Sae is 23 years old when he finally signs the contract to play for Japan, after months of being pestered by Rin about it.

His relationship with his brother is complicated. On one hand, he feels as though Rin will never truly forgive him for what he did when he was 15. On the other, he looks so ecstatic to be playing football together again that Sae wonders if their discourse was imaginary.

Japan is just a smidge less lonely with Rin in his life.

He wants to tell you all about it. That everything worked out and it's fine now. That you can stop weeping for him and to wipe up the tears that fall into nothing.

He counts the distance between you. Fourteen thousand kilometres separate him from telling you how he's living his new dream: playing football with his little brother again.

Fourteen thousand kilometers, ten years of needing you, and a reminder set on his phone to buy you a birthday cake again this year.

His heart aches.

Japan is loud and busy and everyone is always in a hurry to get places.

You have to wonder if Sae really grew up in a city like this, and how he turned out so calm and unmovable. The street names are all in Kanji you can't read, but your soul tells you that you're going the right way, anyways.

There's a crowd gathering when your feet finally come to a halt. Lights flash and there are fancy looking people with microphones clamouring toward the center.

It's only a fraction of a second that your eyes meet, and then someone shoves him into the back of the car and they drive off.

He must be famous here, too.

Sae is 24 years old tossing and turning in his bed, wondering if you were just a figment of his imagination or if you were truly standing there under a streetlamp watching him.

It wouldn't be the first time he dreamed you into existence; on some occasions you feel so real that he nearly reaches out to attempt to pat your head, like he always used to do when he was younger.

He goes back to that spot a couple hours later. The crowd is long gone and it's the dead of night— no one would be around to witness Itoshi Sae looking psychotic.

He doesn't find you in that spot. Instead, you're two blocks down and crouched in front of the window of a 24 hour shop. There's an ad for sparklers, and though you can't read the poster itself, the picture makes you stare with wide eyes.

He crouches down beside you as if 7 years of distance never existed between you.

"Do you want one?" He asks. You look at him in a strange way and his knees grow weak beneath him. You nod.

He comes out five minutes later with a few packs in his hand, walking away from you down the street to the park. You follow him quietly as if 7 years of distance never existed between you.

Sae holds one out, flicks the lighter in his pocket open and ignites the first sparkler. You watch it in fascination, ghostly form illuminated in warm orange and yellow light.

He smiles at you as if 7 years of distance never existed between you.

When the sparkler dies out, he lights another. And another. And another, until he's gone through all the packets he could afford with the Yen in his wallet right now.

As if 7 years of distance never existed between you, he reaches out to pat your head. His hand falls through you.

You think Sae's new apartment is pretentious, but it's clean and open and doesn't smell like mildew.

It's hard to imagine what kind of purpose you had before him— all your memories are flooded with his hands and eyes and bangs and small smiles reserved for you. You think that the only reason you were ever materialized into the mortal plane was to haunt him, and only him. Itoshi Sae's permanent looming presence.

He doesn't seem to mind. In fact, you've noticed he's been smiling more lately since you started waiting for him to come home by the door.

Sae is 25 years old when you fall asleep beside him in his bed.

You don't care that he's a kicker or a blanket hog in his sleep. It's not like either of those would affect you. He watches your sleeping face carefully, waiting to see if he would ever wake up from this blissful dream and be alone again.

But every time he wakes up, there you are.

You've grown since he left you in Madrid— you don't look like some lost little kid anymore, at least. He wonders if your souls are truly so intertwined that you would change alongside him, regardless of the distance.

Your eyes flutter open and his breath catches in his throat. You blink at him slowly in the pale moonlight, brows furrowed.

You point at him. Then yourself.

You. Me.

He nods in understanding.

When he drops a plate of protein pancakes in front of you for breakfast, you look confused.

"Oh, sorry. Do you want rice?"

You shake your head. You don't care what's for breakfast, as long as you're sitting across from him while he eats it.

"I'm going to be the world's best midfielder," he tells you one day. You're on the floor and he's on the couch, and it's like time had never even passed.

You don't know what that means, but it's his dream so it must be important. The most important thing in the world.

What you don't know is that it's not his entire dream. World's best midfielder doesn't mean a thing if he can't come home to tell you all about it.

You are dead.

You're a ghost haunting Itoshi Sae— one that followed him from Madrid all the way to Japan. You don't remember how, or when, or why you died. You can't remember what your face looks like either, no matter how much Sae tries to describe it to you. 

You are dead. You're a ghost knocking over Sae's belongings to get his attention when you want it. You're the ghost curled up in bed with him even though he has to wear two layers to stay warm because of it. You're the ghost watching him rotate through different breakfasts that he says could never compare to a good old warm bowl of rice.

You are a ghost, and Itoshi Sae gave you a name. A birthday. A purpose greater than being a loud nuisance.

You are a ghost who likes to watch him light sparklers on his balcony. Who feels the things described only in the books he reads to you. Who learned to love somewhere along the way.

You are dead, and somehow alive at the same time.

(One day, Sae will be brave. One day, he will tell you he loves you. One day, he will thank you for waiting for him at the door when he comes home.)

© ALABOADOA 2023 — please do not translate or post my works to other platforms.

[wandanatsgf]

Right Where You Left Me

Pairing: Maid!Wanda x Noble Woman!Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Wanda is your maid who you fall head over heels for. But like all good things, you knew it wouldn't last. You knew your life was already decided for you, but that didn't mean you couldn't enjoy your time with her while it lasts.

Warnings: This ends sadly and contains smut. Read at your own risk. Also I wrote this in two hours so there's probably grammar mistakes so pls ignore those.

You had never understood this strange feeling inside of you, the way you would cringe when you danced with a man or when he kissed your knuckles. You didn't understand why the idea of marrying a man brought feelings of dread and despair. You didn't understand how such simple actions from a man could elicit such strong emotions in a woman. And then you met Wanda.

Wanda is your recently hired maid and god is she gorgeous. She has long brown hair and eyes as green as emeralds. You tend to get lost in them quite frequently, much to Wanda's chagrin. And every time her skin touches yours it sets you ablaze, which is what's happening right now.

"Does this corset really need to be so tight?" you complain to Wanda who is helping you get dressed. It's making it really hard to control your slightly labored breathing. Wanda's presence was really doing something to you today.

"I'm sorry my lady but I'm just following your mother's orders," she says apologetically. She continues to help you get dressed and then she gets to work on your hair.

"You know you don't have to call me my lady when we're alone, Wanda. Y/n is fine," you tell her as she fixes a curl that was out of place.

"Ok Y/n," she says, trying it out. Your name sounds so good coming out of her mouth, you could listen to her say it for forever. Unfortunately you have duties to attend to today.

"Thank you for helping me," you say once Wanda announced she was finished.

"It's really no problem, Y/n. It is my job after all."

"Yes I know but it's only right for me to thank you."

Wanda smiles at this and you swear you've never seen a prettier sight.

"Have a good day, Wanda," you say as you open your bedroom door and slip out of sight.

You spent the majority of your day entertaining your parent's guest, Steve, a lord from a neighboring country. You talked with him for hours, however your heart wasn't in it. You could've cared less about what he was saying. You would've much preferred to be reading a book or talking with Wanda. And by dinnertime you were ready to rip your ears off if you had to hear another story about a battle.

"Thank you so much for accepting our invitation," your father says as everyone takes their seat.

"It really mans a lot to us that you rode all the way out here to visit us and our daughter, Y/n," your mother adds.

"The pleasure is all mine," Steve says.

"This actually brings us to an important topic, Y/n," your father says. "We, your mother and I, are hoping you would be open to courting Steve." You knew he wasn't really asking, he was telling.

"I would love to father," you say, lying straight through your teeth.

"Well that settles that. I think this calls for a toast," your father says.

The rest of your night was spent drinking and pretending to be merry, but you couldn't get out of your own head. You knew your parents wanted you to marry soon, and you had put it off for as long as possible. Now you were being set up with Steve and you felt hopeless.

Around midnight you bid your parents and Steve goodnight and headed to your room. Maybe you could cry in peace there, but when you enter you see Wanda waiting for you.

"How was your day?" Wanda asks as she helps you out of your dress.

"Honestly it was horrible. I had to spend the whole day with Steve," you say, your face wrinkling up in disgust.

"He can't be that bad."

"He's not bad...he's just not interesting," you say carefully choosing your words.

"Well men never are," Wanda says. She pulls off one of your many petticoats, accidently grazing your thigh. You let out a low moan and you hope Wanda didn't notice. You don't think she did because she finishes taking it off and sets it off to the side.

"Oh?" you ask. You can't tell if Wanda is giving you a sign or not. Or maybe you're just reading into things.

"Well you know how men are. They just talk about hunting or battles or money. It's all very boring."

"Oh yes of course," you say agreeing with her. Wanda continues to undress you, but your thoughts are still plagued by the awful news you got at dinner today.

"You know my parents wish for me to court and probably marry him and I don't know if I can do it," you blurt out. You hadn't meant for that to come out, but you just feel so safe in Wanda's presence. Despite the short amount of time you've known her, you've grown close to her. At least as close as you've ever been to a person.

"Why not? It's not like there's someone else and Steve could give you a life of luxury." Wanda unties your tight corset and lets it drop off your body.

You think carefully before letting your greatest secret slip. "I don't think I could ever love him, Wanda. Not the way I love you." At this Wanda's hands still and drop to her side.

"Y/n are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I'm in love with you Wanda Maximoff. I know it's wrong and we barely know each other and my parent's would never approve but I can't help how my heart feels."

"Do you really mean that?"

"I mean every word Wanda."

"I'm in love with you too Y/n. I have been since I first started working for you," she admits.

You carefully turn around and plant a soft kiss on Wanda's lips. She tastes like strawberries and you can't get enough.

Wanda pushes her body as close to you as possible, slowly walking the two of you backwards until your body hits a wall. Your thighs open up to make more room for Wanda to position herself between them.

Wanda's lips move from your own to your neck, making you arch your back.

"Please Wanda."

"What do you want baby?"

"I want you to touch me please," you beg.

Wanda obliges and slowly moves her hand down your breasts, fondling them through your undergarments for a minute. You thrust your hips up against her, getting impatient.

"You're just so needy for me aren't you baby?"

"Mhm I just want you so bad Wanda please," you mewl.

Wanda's hand moves to cup your mound and one of her knuckles lightly grazes your clit.

"Is this what you wanted? You want me to touch you right here?"

"Yes Wanda," you breath out. Your loins were on fire and only she could extinguish it.

Wanda slowly rubs her fingers against you and it takes everything in you not to cum then and there. You never thought this would happen, and now that it is you didn't want it to end.

"Let go for me baby. I'll still be here," she says. Her fingers start to move faster against you and it breaks your resolve. You cum in your underwear, moaning like a mad woman.

As you come down, you see Wanda staring at you.

"What?" you ask.

"You just look so beautiful doing that I want to see it again."

This time Wanda gets on her knees between your thighs and slowly pulls your underwear off. She can clearly see your arousal and it turns her on, making her let out a low moan. She lifts your left leg up over her shoulder and dives in.

The wet slurping sounds are unholy but they only turns you on more. Your hands grab onto Wanda's hair and you pull her closer to your heat. Her nose bumps against your clit and your hips thrust against her.

"Right there Wands," you moan out. The brunette woman continues to lick and suck your clit until you finish all over her face.

Wanda slowly works her way up your body, leaving kisses all over your stomach and chest. She makes her way up to your mouth and leaves a soft kiss there.

You gaze into her eyes and see nothing but love and admiration. It makes your heart melt.

"Let me return the favor," you tell her. You swap places with her and gently take off her clothes. Saying she's gorgeous is an understatement. She looks like an angel.

You kiss her as you start to fondle her pussy, messing around to see what she likes. You can feel her moan against your lips and it gives you a surge of pride knowing you're the one making her moan.

You dip one finger into her entrance and you feel her buck her hips against you. Clearly you had a much stronger affect on her than you thought. Her wetness coats your hand.

You thrust your finger inside of her, watching her writhe in ecstasy. It was a sight you knew you would never get sick of. You add another finger and watch as her head rolls back in pleasure. Soon she is cumming and you continue to fuck her through it.

Once she's calmed down you take your fingers out and lick her arousal off of them. She tastes so good, and you tell her as much.

The two of you spend the rest of the night in each other's embrace, enjoying your time together.

You wake up and you think it was all a dream before you look next to you and see a brown mop of hair sleeping next to you. She looks so pretty and peaceful when she sleeps, but you have to wake her up.

"Wanda. Baby. Wake up," you say as you gently shake her.

"Good morning honey," she says.

"Good morning," you say. You lean down and place a kiss on her lips.

'We have to get up y'know," you say as her lips move against yours.

"Just give me one more minute," she says. She continues to kiss you until you can't breathe anymore and you have to pull away.

"Now we really have to get up and get ready," you say.

"Fine," Wanda grumbles.

You each help the other dress and look presentable.

Today you were supposed to hang out with Steve again. The only thing that made that even bearable was the thought of going to bed with Wanda by your side.

"I'll see you tonight," you say as you cradle her face in your hands. You place a passionate kiss against her lips before walking out.

You spend the next couple of weeks like this. You spent your days with a man you hate and your nights with the woman you love, the woman who owns your heart.

"You know we could run away together. We could live in that abandoned cottage near the woods and have a garden and never have a worry again," Wanda says one night. The two of you are cuddling in your bed.

Deep down a part of you knew it was nothing but a dream, but the thought of living with Wanda made your heart soar.

"I want nothing more," you say, never truly thinking Wanda was serious. You lean in and capture her lips with yours.

That night you fall asleep with a pit in your stomach. You still needed to tell Wanda about the now official wedding plans (well your mother was planning a wedding but Steve hadn't proposed yet. You knew it would be soon though), but you would rather live in delusion than end this. And that is what you did, at least until Wanda comes storming into your room a few days later.

"What is this I hear about a wedding between you and Steve?" Wanda questions.

You were currently brushing your hair at your vanity, but you set the brush down when she stormed in.

"There's nothing official but word is he plans on proposing soon and my mother is planning a wedding even though there isn't one yet."

"And you weren't going to tell me?" Wanda asks. You can see the pain and anger on her face and it makes your heart break.

"I was going to eventually Wands. I just couldn't. I couldn't ruin what we have just yet."

"Are you going to deny him Y/n?"

"I-I don't know. I don't know if I can."

"Of course you can Y/n. You have a choice here."

"I don't think I do Wanda."

"Please Y/n," she begs. She begs you to choose her, but you can't let your delusion cloud your judgement anymore.

"I'm sorry Wanda, but we should've known this would never work," you say. You can feel your perfectly applied makeup start to run down your face, but you don't care. You look how you feel, a mess.

"Why wouldn't this work?" You can hear the pain and desperation in her voice.

"Because..." you trail off. You don't want to give her the real reason. You're afraid. Afraid of your family, the townspeople, and a life full of unknowns. You knew that going with her to the cottage the two of you had always talked about would mean giving up everything you have ever known and loved.

"I'm sorry Wanda but I can't leave them and I can't disappoint them." She knew you were talking about your parents.

"You always complain about them controlling you, y/n and you're letting them do it now. Is your happiness really worth their happiness?"

You nod and that is all the confirmation Wanda needs to realize her life was about to fall apart. She was about to lose the love of her life and there was nothing she could do about it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Wanda," you say. You fall to the ground in a heap of petticoats and skirts. Wanda moves to comfort you, but she knew that would only make this harder.

"I'm sorry too Y/n," Wanda says. She leaves your chamber and you sob harder. You knew you brought this upon yourself, but that didn't make you feel any better.

The next morning a new maid walks in, telling you Wanda had quit last night. From that day on all of your days blurred together. Time was pointless without her. Living was pointless without her.

Exactly two weeks after you had ended things with Wanda, Steve proposed. You don't even remember saying yes, but you must have because you now have a huge, shiny ring on your finger.

You expected Wanda to come to you after the news of your engagement made it's way through the kingdom, but she never showed.

Maybe if she had came back for you things would be different. Or maybe if you had ran away with her you wouldn't be where you are now. But you had backed yourself into this corner and there was no getting out.

Your dress is beautiful. It's big and poufy and white. But the person at the end of the aisle isn't who you want to see. Instead of emerald eyes you see cerulean. Instead of a smooth face with delicate features you see a rough face with harsh lines. He's all wrong, he's not her. But you made your choice. Your parents and their wishes come first. Maybe in another life you could chase your happiness, but in this one you were chasing theirs.

After the wedding you resided yourself to a life you hated with a man you loathed, even though you knew it wasn't his fault. If only you could feel the same way about Steve that would make life so much easier. But no matter how much you tried to love him you were still repulsed when his lips touched yours or when you laid in bed side by side.

Sometimes you couldn't stop the sobs that would fall at night, knowing you had made a mistake with marrying him. You should've ran away with Wanda, but now it was too late. You had kids to take care of and an estate to run.

Despite that you let yourself dream about the woman you left all those years ago, the woman you still loved. You hoped Wanda had lived a life far more happier life than yours. You hoped Wanda had moved on and found someone else. You hoped Wanda and new her lover lived in the cottage that was meant to be yours's and had a plentiful garden and never wanted for a thing.

However Wanda's reality was much sadder than what you had wanted for her. Wanda spent her days at the cottage by herself, over come with grief. She never moved on. She spent her days gardening, reading, and crying. Everyday she hoped her lover would come back to her. She never did.

[victorie552]

I headcannon that after 3rd Kinslaying, and especially after Elrond and Elros left them in whatever fashion, Maedhros was a total dick to Maglor.

You know how sometimes old or sick people are nice to neighbours/nurses/strangers, but are horrible to their primal caretakers? That's them.

People aren't dicks to their caretakers just to be dicks - it's because they are often frustrated with themselves or their situation and don't know how else to deal with it or they can't deal with it the usual way. It also happens because, paradoxally, they feel safe around their caretakers - you can be a dick because you know they won't leave just because of that.

And boy, did Maglor cast himself in a role of caretaker (let's not kid ourselves, he wasn't qualified, and with his own problems to boot), and BOY, did Maedhros resent him for it. He did not NEED help, he did not DESERVE help, he's not another kidnapped child MAGLOR, I'M the older brother, I should take care of YOU YOU WRECK, WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BABYSIT YOU GROW UP ALREADY and leave me Nothing is EVER your fault, even when you left me to Angband as you should Why would you care now, it amounted to NOTHING before, it's WORTHLESS

And about half the time Maglor just takes it, actually likes it even. Mostly because of his guilt complex about how he deserves it, but also because Maedhros is only like this with him - he's trying his best to pretend to be fine and be a leader to few followers they have left, because they deserve better and that's the only thing he can give them now, and their brothers are all dead and would always be Too Little to act like that around them anyway. Maedhros would behave himself even around Fingon, to make him think rescuing him was worth something. So by being a dick to Maglor, Meadhros sees him as an equal, a safe haven. Maglor basks in that.

But obviously no one could just take such abuse like it's nothing, and Maglor is a Feanorian too, is prideful and stubborn, with his own laundry list of complains about Maedhros, and also unwell, and also thought of a new insult while lying awake at night and just wants to yell too. So half the time Maglor yells back and their yelling matches would bring orcs to tears, with hate and blame dripping from every word. I don't have enough imagination to picture it realistically, and actually I don't want to, it's too heartbreaking.

And sometimes, one or the other just starts crying. They don't talk about these times.

After some time, their arguments and insults are just a noise, something to repeat endlessly to the point of boredom.

By then, what actually hurts are the words that were not meant to harm.

Example 1:

Maedhros: 'did an all-night inspection of their stores cause he couldn't sleep' I found a herb you always liked to wash your hair with.

Maglor: 'doesn't remember last time he washed his hair, no less scented them'

Maglor: 'choked up' Appreciated.

Example 2:

Maedhros: 'feels like he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him' You could go with the twins, you know.

Maglor: 'doesn't want to upset Maedhros today so decides to pretend as if that was actually an option' Vanyar would probably like my singing but you know they would get mad at you for having better battle plans than them.

Maedhros: 'now KNOWS he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him'

Maedhros: 'dying inside' Of course they would.

When love hurts, it's easier to be a dick.

[shitpostdevil]

Am I Allowed to Cry?

(((SatoSugu one shot)))

Drowning in the Blue Nile

He sent me "Downtown Lights"

I hadn't heard it in a while

My boredom's bone-deep

This cage was once just fine

Am I allowed to cry?

‘Why didn’t you chase him?’ 

The words echo in my mind, 

haunting me as I stare 

at the bare wall of my dorm room 

where photos used to stay. 

It was my responsibility as a jujutsu sorcerer 

to stop exactly what Suguru caused. 

His smile was so soft. 

He knew I wasn’t going to understand 

and he didn’t even try to convince me. 

He was always like that this last summer. 

Something in him changed after Amanai died. 

I’m pretty sure he had thought I was dead too 

from the look on his face 

when I walked into that room holding her corpse. 

I knew I had changed. 

Being on the brink of death will do that to a person. 

I grip my bedsheets, 

gritting my teeth at the tears 

that burned their way out of my eyes 

against my protest. 

All I remember after that is screaming 

until I heard Shoko’s voice.

“Give him space, 

get out of here! 

Gojo, hey, Gojo-”

I dream of cracking locks

Throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks

Crashing into him tonight, he's a paradox

I'm seeing visions, am I bad?

Or mad? Or wise?

Do we still talk? 

It would be unwise to indulge the answer to that. 

How they haven’t found me out yet? 

I have no idea. 

They must trust their golden boy enough 

to not assume that he would be 

in the bed of a criminal after long missions, 

dressing my wounds, 

always stretching out the time. 

He explained himself. 

Adopted two little girls- 

I can’t blame him for doing what he did, 

but I would never say that out loud. 

This world is… horrible. 

We know that better than anyone I suppose.

What if he's written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

Staring at my phone screen, 

my scrolling through pointless pictures 

paused by his text; 

When are you coming over next? 

Simple, but he always did get straight to the point. 

My finger absent-mindedly twirls 

around the black cat phone charm that he got for me- 

something I had claimed I’d won in a random gacha pull, 

but I knew the truth and that’s all that mattered. 

Part of me needed him with me, 

even if I couldn’t admit it. 

I want to drop everything and run to him 

every 

damn 

time. 

Soon. I text back, 

locking my phone and letting my arm drop, 

painted fingertips grazing over sheets 

he will never see again.

I keep these longings locked

In lowercase, inside a vault

Someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts

Only your actions talk

“How long are you going to do this, Gojo?” 

Shoko quizzes me, 

her face holds a touch of disapproval 

but not disappointment. 

I just look at her. 

Does she really expect me to give an answer for that? 

Until the day I die. 

I want to say. 

Want to scream.

I can’t even give an actual answer 

because all that would give is 

confirmation that I still see the ‘traitor’. 

She knows. 

She has to. 

She… saw how badly it broke me- 

feelings I never want to unleash again. 

“What are you talking about?” 

I finally ask, 

eyes begging her to drop it through sunglasses. 

She just pulls out her cigarette box silently, 

flipping the top open 

and holding it in my direction, offering. 

I take one.

These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath

Taking all of me, we've already done it in my head

If it's make-believe

Why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?

“S-Satoru~” 

His liquor soaked breath stutters in the dark 

as I work my art on him, 

messy kisses to the insides of his thighs, 

leaving marks that will only be known to us. 

His hands are tangled in my hair loosely, 

tightening every moment he feels good. 

He refuses to be quiet, 

but I couldn’t complain. 

“A God amongst men, 

and you’re begging for me.” 

I state breathlessly, 

smirking up at him. 

He just hums in pure amusement.

“You always were so cocky~” 

he chides, 

hips bucking when my lips find his leaking head.

“You were saying?” I ask.

“Mm-mmm~” he says as he pushes my mouth onto his cock. 

I can’t help but give him what he wants.

What if he's written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

My bedsheets are ablaze, I've screamed his name

Building up like waves crashing over my grave

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

Shoko notices the hickey I tried my hardest to cover 

almost immediately. 

Deny. 

Deny. 

Deny. 

“The girl I was with wasn’t really as careful as I asked her to be.” 

I bluffed, laughing. 

Her eyes questioned deeper, 

but not her voice. 

What if I roll the stone away?

They're gonna crucify me anyway

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

If long-suffering propriety is what they want from me

They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly

I choose you and me religiously

“You know this can’t last forever Satoru.” He says. 

I clench my jaw. 

Of course I know that. 

Why did he feel the need to bring this up again? 

His hands are so gently painting my fingernails black. 

It was his way of being intimate without having to admit it. 

I secretly loved having any trace of him on me that I could get. 

I don’t want to respond to him, 

I just want to stay here, 

at this moment. 

Forever. 

I never wanted him to stop holding my hands so preciously.

What if he's written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

“At least curse at me a little at the very end.” 

His smile is still so soft even with blood everywhere. 

I just fall to my knees, 

eyes filled with traumas no one should have to see. 

“If I had noticed… 

If I saw how badly it destroyed you… 

would it have changed anything?” 

I’m speaking before I can think it through.

“Perhaps…” He coughs, breathing sharp, 

“But then again… probably not.” 

The tears are falling before I can stop them. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

I can't get my voice above a whisper.

“It’s not your fault, my one and only.” 

My one and only…

He sent me "Downtown Lights"

I hadn't heard it in a while

“Satoru.” 

The voice of a ghost speaks from behind me and I falter, 

if only for a moment. 

Suguru…? 

I turn. 

I’m trapped again, 

but this time it’s real. 

Is it really so bad to die if it’s at his hands? 

Horror written all over my face- 

that’s his body, but that isn’t him.

Am I allowed to cry?

My soul knows otherwise…

[zephfair]

Dear Santa, could I please have some Ronan and Blue and maybe Noah, being dumb and silly and best friends forever, maybe in some holidays situation? 🎄🤶🎁

Also, happy holidays, good to see you around!

HEY THERE! How are you! I'm sorry I'm a horrible friend and didn't get this written for you before Christmas. 🥺 So instead, I wrote it for today's holiday Valentine's Day. I'm sorry I didn't get Noah into it, but you can be sure he was lurking and watching and enjoying the show. 😂

I tried my best with Ronan and Blue bff-ship, and I hope you enjoy it! 😘 Hope your holidays were wonderful, and hope you have a fabulous Valentine's Day!

Ronan pushed the door of Monmouth open to find a vandal, a thief, a murderer, all in the same tiny shape of Blue Sargent glaring up at him.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded right back.

Then he realized that he was standing hands on hips in exactly the same position as she was and that was weird as hell to be subconsciously mirroring the maggot.

“Anyway, I live here,” Ronan figured that ended her.

She pshawed loudly. “You’re never here at all anymore except when you want to whine and moan about being bored and missing Adam while he’s at work… oh, I get it.”

Ronan had always been told a good offense was the best defense so he immediately tried being as offensive as possible.

“Do not. At least I’m not always over here bitching and complaining that you want more alone time to do whatever disgusting heterosexual things you’re doing to poor little Dick,” he said.

“The only time I have to complain about alone time is when you’re here third wheeling us and crying that Adam doesn’t love you anymore because he actually went to work instead of doing sexual things to you,” Blue shot right back. “And you don’t have to worry about Dick. He’s neither poor or little.”

Ronan clutched his chest dramatically. “You’re a mean little fucker,” he said, appreciating it.

She shrugged. “I’m learning from the best.”

“Aw, Sargent, you know that’s right.”

She snorted and turned away. “What are you doing here anyway, Ronan? You know they’re in school today.”

“Which begs the question again, what the hell are you doing here? Don’t they bother to teach you poor townies anymore?”

“Our public education system has many problems but it’s still a far cry from actually dropping out of formal education,” she retorted. “And besides, today’s an in-service. The teachers probably wanted the day off.”

“Why? What’s so special about today?”

Blue stopped and stared at him in what looked like honest disbelief.

“You don’t know what today is?”

Ronan shrugged and dropped onto the pool table. “What fake-ass holiday is it now? You know I don’t follow all that patriotic shit.”

“For once, it’s not patriotic shit. It’s the fake-ass romantic holiday. Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh. That explains why the gas station was selling roses and chocolate,” he said.

“Sure, Ronan,” she rolled her eyes at him. “What’d you get Adam?”

“What? Why would I get Adam … oh,” Ronan shut himself up. His experience with Valentine’s Day up until now had been mostly in elementary school when they made hearts out of construction paper for their parents and exchanged little junky cards with the other kids in class. It hadn’t exactly prepared him for a big romantic gesture with his boyfriend.

“Even though it’s a crock, you still should get Adam something to show you appreciate him,” she said.

“It’s a fake-ass commercial holiday created to sell greeting cards. And chocolates and ridiculously expensive flowers out of season,” Ronan sputtered.

Blue nodded seriously. “Yes, but it’s like a birthday.”

“You’re gonna have to explain that one.”

“When you love somebody,” and she only blushed a little saying that L word out loud, “you love that person and you should be thankful for them every single day.”

“Even the days when he’d rather go hiking through the woods with his friends rather than make out alone with you?”

“Shut up, yes, even then. But even though you love and appreciate them every day, you still celebrate their birthday. Like, yay, I’m glad you were born. Except for you, the day you were spawned from hell should be marked off the calendar.”

Ronan flipped her off with both hands. Blue just continued. “Well, that’s how I’m justifying Valentine’s Day. Yes, I should be caring about him every day but this is one day in particularly to celebrate our relationship and show him I appreciate him.”

Ronan chewed his lip for a moment. “That’s some lame ass ret-conning bullshit.”

“I know,” Blue groaned and dropped onto the bed. “But I knew he was going to do something and I have to make it make sense so I don’t ruin his grand gesture.”

He appreciated that and was more than a little jealous that she was already getting to know so much about his best friend. He sighed and looked around the warehouse.

It looked like someone had picked up a little, but Ronan hadn’t visited in over a week, so he didn’t know if that was Blue or Gansey. But now some of the general detritus laying around looked like girl stuff and not just Gansey’s.

But Blue been doing something on the floor by the bed because there were some Christmas lights and tangled fabric strewn there.

“So what the fuck are you actually doing?” he asked. “And why did you break in to do it?”

“First of all, I didn’t break in. Gansey let me in before he went to school. And even if he didn’t,” she pulled out a key on a ribbon from around her neck.

“Congratulations, he gave you the key to the kingdom.”

Blue tucked it back under her sweater. “I take my responsibility very seriously.”

“But what the fuck is all the shit littering the floor?”

“I’m decorating for tonight. Gansey’s bringing dinner and we’re going to watch one of those old movies he loves and just relax.”

Ronan clutched at his stomach dramatically. “I don’t want to hear anything else, don’t you dare go on what evil nasty deeds you have planned to do to his body after that.”

“Evil and nasty, huh? Wonder what Adam would think about that? Would he stop doing evil and nasty things with you?” she smirked and it was such a Ronan-like expression that again he was a little impressed.

“I’m not discussing our…” Ronan tried to think of the opposite descriptors, “beautiful and clean acts of love with you.”

She cooed, “Oh, that’s so sweeeet. Acts of love!”

Ronan groaned long and loud and jumped off the pool table, “Shut the fuck up.”

Blue grinned. “You can’t make me.”

“Wanna bet?” he challenged.

“While you’re here though, you can help me. We’ll get this done a lot quicker.”

“I refuse to partake in your commercial holiday, especially one that will end up with the two of you doing unspeakable acts.” But Ronan was curious about what she was trying to do with the stuff on the floor.

“I got a bunch of strings of LED lights super cheap after Christmas, and I want to wrap these sheers that I’ve been saving from thrifting around them. Then I thought I’d drape them around the bed or on the wall so it looks pretty. But I haven’t figured out how to attach everything.”

“Because Gansey is a monster who literally left his bed in the middle of the room.”

“Yes! Doesn’t that bother anyone else? I can see not putting it in a corner, but it’s not even against one wall!”

“He’s a madman,” Ronan agreed. “And it’s not like he has an actual bed with posts or anything to attach them.”

“Do you know why his bed is right here? Did he, like, align it to the ley line or to a constellation or something on a map?”

Ronan laughed. “Yeah, you know how strategic he is.” He laughed harder, suddenly remembering the day he’d helped Gansey carry the box spring and mattress up to the place Gansey was trying to make home. “No, I was just tired of carrying all his shit up here so I dropped it there. He was bringing the mattress and didn’t ague, just piled it on top and left it there.”

“And you lazy asses were just too lazy to move the freakin’ thing all this time?”

“Yep,” Ronan laughed. “Guess he just got used to it.”

Blue pushed up her sleeves. “Then it’s time we fix this thing.”

Ronan let her boss him around with minimal—which was to say constant—bitching. But he gave her credit for working just as hard. They shifted several piles of books and boxes of artifacts, Blue found the broom with half-burnt bristles and attacked the floor, and they finally cleared a spot where they moved the whole bed together, with one end firmly against the wall.

“That somehow makes me feel better,” Blue said, surveying the changes with a critical eye.

“Definitely gives the demons less chance to grab him in the middle of the night,” Ronan agreed. He could feel Blue side-eye him but he knew she understood.

She clapped her dusty hands together. “Now, let’s get these lights up.”

But try as they might, they couldn’t get the whole arrangement to stick. Blue had brought tape and sticky tack, but neither were strong enough to hold the fabric and the lights to the wall. Ronan offered some nails he had in his room for some reason, but she worried that Gansey would somehow injure himself.

“Hooks,” Ronan said finally. “Like cup hooks. You can string them through or over, then if you’re worried, you can squeeze them shut with pliers or something.”

“Ronan Lynch,” Blue said firmly. “That is an excellent idea.”

He shrugged.

“I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day,” she said, and he noogied her hair so hard some clips flew out.

She struggled away and smoothed her hair. “It’s past lunch time. Drive me to the store, and I’ll buy you some fries.”

“No, way, that bribe sucks. I expect a real lunch.”

“Cheeseburger and fries from McDonald’s. You’re on your own if you want more.”

“So you can get your own Happy Meal?” he said, but he was already fishing his car keys out of his pocket.

“I’ll even, out of the goodness of my own heart, help you find a gift for Adam,” Blue said and waggled her eyebrows in a way Ronan had never seen before but spoke volumes.

“We don’t need gifts,” he tried not to panic.

“But what if he gets you a gift? Then you’ll look a total forgetful loser.”

Ronan cursed as she grabbed her coat and purse. He hadn’t thought of that. He tried bluffing again, “So all you got Gansey was some cheap-ass lights?”

“No, his real present is in the bag,” she nodded toward a brown paper bag that was brightly decorated with bits of cloth and paper.

“Lemme see,” Roan grabbed for it, but she must have anticipated because she shoved it behind herself.

“It’s a present for Gansey! And it’s private!” and her cheeks were reddening so Ronan thought he most definitely didn’t want to see what was inside.

“Yuck,” he said. “Come on then, if you’re coming, I’m hungry.”

On the way to Walmart, Blue turned down his radio and asked bluntly, “What are you thinking of getting Adam?”

Ronan shrugged. “Don’t think he wants anything.”

“That’s probably true. He may not want but surely you can think of something he can use?”

“Fuck if I know,” Ronan admitted. “He hates it when I buy him shit.”

Blue sighed. “I know Adam is extremely … let’s say independent and I know he’s often reluctant to take anything that could be seen as charity, but a holiday is different. Can you think of anything he’d enjoy?”

Ronan thought about it while they parked and headed into the busy store. He snagged a shopping cart and Blue hung on the side as they pushed inside.

Valentine’s Day shit assaulted him as soon as they entered.

“Candy?” Blue pointed out the boxes and heart-shaped displays of chocolates and other red candies.

Ronan shook his head.

“Teddy bear? Chocolate? Cologne? Clothes? Jewelry? Lingerie?”

“No, no, no and holy fuck no. Wait, for him or for me?”

Blue cackled and directed him down an aisle. They found the hardware section and picked out the hooks. Going back through the personal care section, Blue suggested, “Body care? He doesn’t have a bathtub so no bubble bath but, uh, shower gel? Lotion?”

“Oh, do they have flavored lube here?”

She smacked his arm so hard it stung but he’d never admit it. Although it made her face red, Ronan could feel his own cheeks getting hot too because he apparently still got embarrassed talking about sex stuff.

“Well, Ronan, you’ve said no to all the traditional Valentine’s gifts, and I can’t blame you. Adam would probably hate all of it.”

“I mean, can you see him wanting any kind of stuffed animal?” Ronan glared at the shelves of red and pink creatures that awaited purchase.

“Nope, he’s definitely a minimalist,” Blue agreed. “But can you imagine him with, like, a big gold chain?” She giggled.

Ronan laughed after a second too. “Yeah, wearing a shirt unbuttoned down his chest? Big-ass gold necklace?”

They tittered together, and an old woman passing clutched her pharmacy bag a little closer, which made them laugh harder.

“Oh! What about flowers?” Blue pointed to a display.

“I think Adam would be pissed if I spent any money on something that’s only going to last a couple days.”

“Yeah, as he should, but I meant one of the flowering plants. He’d have a nice little green plant to brighten up his apartment after it’s done blooming.”

“It’d freeze in that shithole,” Ronan said, even as he looked over the sad little offerings on display. “And besides, these all look half-dead. If he wants a good plant, I can definitely find him something better.”

“Yeah, good point.”

They moved on, and Ronan did snag a giant bag of miniature chocolate bars because he knew Adam would occasionally eat a treat and that would give him options. Blue shook her head but didn’t comment because she was obviously having trouble thinking up options too.

Ronan was starting to panic, just a little. Although he and Adam hadn’t talked about it, they always hung out on Friday nights after Adam worked. Ronan had figured he’d spend the day fucking around Monmouth, then fuck around after school with Gansey, then fuck around with Adam after he got done at work.

Now he had just a little, tiny worry that Adam would know it was Valentine’s… and who was he kidding? Adam was uber-smart and of course would know that it was the holiday. And what if he did go against his nature and actually buy Ronan something?

God, Ronan would never forgive himself. He knew he had a hard enough time vocalizing his feelings into words to let Adam know how he felt. It was easier to just show him, and sometimes that included making him stuff like a mixtape.

“Don’t buy a card. They’re just a waste of paper and money,” Blue tugged the cart away from the aisle Ronan was meandering down.

He glanced over and saw a small section of cards and snorted, elbowing Blue in head. When she yelped, he refused to apologize, “It’s not my fault you’re so damn small. If you were a normal size, that would’ve been your ribs.”

“It’s not my fault you’re an unwieldy giant,” she shot back.

“Anyway,” Ronan said loudly, “check out these fucks. They misspelled Valentine’s.”

Blue looked where he was pointing. “No, they didn’t. That’s for Galentine’s.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“It’s when women get together and celebrate their friends and stuff instead of worrying about having a man in their life. They all have fun and do stuff together.”

“So it’s basically your house every day?”

Blue snorted. “Kind of. Only with more booze and chocolate, I think.”

Then she pulled the cart to a stop and grinned as big and evilly as Ronan had ever seen. “Here,” she said, and threw a big red bow, the kind with the sticky tape on the back, into the cart.

“Well, we’ve run out of ideas for you to buy Adam. I mean, you already made him a mixtape and special lotion, for heaven’s sake. You’re just going to have to forget buying it and actually make him something.”

Ronan’s heart jumped so he blustered, “I’m not out of ideas yet. I’m going to buy that flavored lube as soon as I find it.”

“Class it up, Ronan,” she said. “Go dream him something that he’ll actually like and use. Or, just strip down, put that bow on yourself, and offer him something he already has.”

“Gross,” Ronan said promptly, but he did buy the bow.

He also didn’t let her forget they were stopping at McDonald’s. Blue graciously ordered him a cheeseburger and small fries along with her own food. Ronan ordered a large Big Mac meal and added two milkshakes.

The teenage cashier had been watching them askance as they bickered normally, but when he slid Ronan’s tray over, he said shyly, “I gave you an extra cherry pie for your girlfriend.”

Ronan immediately made a disturbingly loud and graphic retching noise. Blue turned from the ketchup dispensers and yelled, “No way!”

Every eye in the restaurant turned to stare at them, but Ronan snatched the tray and mumbled, “Yeah, thanks” before fleeing to a booth in the back.

“You sounded exactly like Jimi’s cat when it throws up in the hall outside my room in the middle of the night,” Blue said as she sat down.

“Thanks,” Ronan said through a mouthful of fries. He let her take the pie, though, then pushed one of the milkshakes into the center of the table. She glared, but grudgingly accepted.

Blue made them get down to business once they got back to Monmouth. Ronan lounged on the bed while she wound the lights into the sheer material and draped them on the floor, muttering to herself. She stood on the bed to reach where she wanted and tried screwing the first hook into the wall.

“These don’t work, Ronan,” she gritted through her effort.

“Hammer them in,” he suggested.

She looked around the rubble in the room then jumped off the bed and headed toward his old room. “Hey, get the fuck out of there!”

“You mean your pigsty?” she said, returning with the old cowboy boot that had lived there almost as long as Ronan had.

“What’re you going to do with that?”

She showed him, using the hard heel to pound the hook into the wall. She tossed the boot behind herself, somehow aiming right at Ronan’s forehead.

“Ow,” he said, but handed it back to her when she positioned the next hook.

Once the lights and fabric were up, Ronan and she both eyed it critically.

“It needs more,” Blue said. “I have enough to do another drape above, I think. Make it two-tiered.”

“Sure,” Ronan said. “When in doubt, add more shit.”

Blue kicked him—okay she nudged her foot into his ribs as she climbed back on the bed—and he yelled in pain.

Then she started muttering as she stretched on tiptoe. “I can’t reach. They need to be up at least a couple feet so they look even.”

Ronan got what she meant and had to agree. He sighed loudly and sat up.

“C’mon, I’m only going to offer this once. Climb on.” He patted his shoulder. Blue figured out what he was suggesting. She clambered onto his back then he shifted her up to his shoulders so when he rose, she was sitting on them.

“So how’s it feel to be tall enough to see over the furniture for once?”

“Shut up, stepladder, and take me over to the wall.”

Ronan held still while she worked and even held the fabric for her while she strung the lights. He had to admit that the soft lights were calming and peaceful, and he knew that Gansey would love it. It would definitely set a romantic atmosphere.

“So, uh, d’ya think Parrish would like some of these in his place?” he asked.

“Huh? Nah, I don’t think so. He’d probably blame them for using too much electricity or not being bright enough to actually do homework,” she said.

“Yeah, you’re right. Oh fuck, why did I just say that. I didn’t mean it!”

But Blue had caught the slip and started laughing and kicking her feet in glee. “I’m never, ever letting you forget that you told me I AM RIGHT!”

“What the fuck?! I’d never say that! You’re just making shit up now and dammit, stop kicking me in the fucking kidneys with your shitkicker boots!”

“That’s not your kidneys! Your kidneys are here!” and Blue kicked her tiny boots into exactly the right place.

Ronan roared and reached up to grab at her, at least whatever respectable parts he was willing to touch. She continued to laugh while she slapped at his hands and kicked indiscriminately. He finally stepped back to the bed, made sure she was centered over it, then fell backward.

She squealed and beat at him harder. “Get off me, you big pig, you’re too heavy!”

Ronan let out a passable pig noise and rolled off her. She kicked at him, but he caught her leg and started pulling at her boot. They struggled for a minute, shrieking and yelling at each other, the disturbance drowning out any other noises until a quiet voice cleared its throat nearby.

They stopped, panting, Ronan holding one of Blue’s feet that he’d worked the shoe and sock off, Blue halfway sitting up in a twisted position to keep pounding at him.

“You know,” Gansey said, “some fellows might take offense to seeing their girl being undressed by their best friend.”

Blue giggled and jerked her tickled foot free from Ronan who finally let go. “I wasn’t being undressed, and I can decide for myself who gets to undress me, thank you.”

“Holy shit, can you please stop saying undressing? I feel so dirty,” Ronan complained and let her grab her sock out of his hand too. “You couldn’t pay me enough to undress you.”

“Lynch!” Gansey tutted.

Blue rolled to stand up. “It’s OK, Ronan, I totally agree. They couldn’t pay me enough to undress you either.”

Ronan leaned his arm on top of her head. “What you got there, Dick?”

Gansey seemed to notice that his arms were full. Ronan could tell that one was a massive bouquet of deep red flowers, and he would’ve bet the Barns that at least one of the gift bags contained a massive amount of chocolate, which had better be organic and fair trade.

“Just a few things for my beloved Valentine,” Gansey said, smiling brightly at Blue. She and Ronan both gagged as if on cue. “That’s uncalled for,” Gansey said, smile falling off his face.

Blue pulled away from Ronan and put her arms between the gifts and around Gansey’s waist. “Happy Fourteenth of February, the day that we are choosing to celebrate our love on,” she said and kissed him softly.

“Happy Fourteenth… the day… what?” Gansey said, dropping his packages on the bed so he could properly hold Blue.

“Nevermind,” Blue said and kissed him again. This time Gansey joined in enthusiastically. Way too enthusiastically for Ronan’s taste.

“Well, that’s it for me. I know when I’m not wanted,” Ronan grabbed his jacket.

“Do you though?” Blue pulled away from Gansey’s embrace to ask.

That distracted Gansey enough to remember Ronan was there. “Lynch, it’s good to see you. Are you off to your plans with Adam? Oh, but he’s at the factory.”

“I know,” Ronan said. “I’m unloved and unwanted. Guess I’ll just go cry about it.”

Gansey looked heartbroken even as he pulled tighter Blue into his arms. “No, if it’s okay with Blue, you can stay here and—”

“Oh no he can’t!” Blue was out of his embrace and pushing Ronan across the room before Gansey realized it. “We’ve got plans.”

“But if Ronan is to be all alone—”

“He’s not. He’s just being an emo shithead. Go!”

Ronan sniffed theatrically. “If that’s how you feel about me… and after I got you a free pie today and everything.”

“It sucked spending the day with you,” Blue said.

“It was horrible and awful and let’s never do it again,” Ronan said.

They stared each other down and then, right as Gansey was getting ready to intercede, they fist bumped.

“Happy Big V Day,” Ronan told her. “Don’t forget to wrap it. I don’t wanna be an uncle this fall.”

“Happy Galentine’s Day, Ronan. Thanks for your help which was almost better than nothing,” Blue said.

Gansey was already asking questions when Blue slammed the door behind him in a move worth of Ronan himself. He found himself smiling until he remembered again that he had nothing but a bag of candy bars and a bow for Adam. He’d better go figure something out.

Before the noises coming from the warehouse scarred him for life.

Note: I'd really like to add a little Pynch chapter to this.

THE PYNCH CHAPTER IS RATED E FOR EXPLICIT FOR YOU KNOW WHY 😏😏😏😏

[pablitogavii]

Hello,

if you haven’t done it yet. Can I request gavi x reader who has daddy issues, not in a sexual way. But like reader told Gavi that she has some issues with her dad and after that Gavi started telling her how proud he is of her and praising reader and one day reader come back in home in crying from a dinner with her parents because she argued with her dad and he just takes care of her like she was a baby. (I don't know if it's understandable)

Thank you if you write my request and if not thank you anyway. :))



His Perfect Girl

I do warn you that there will be slight angst and reader's father being an alcoholic.

Your father isn't really your favorite topic...if anything it's one of those things that hurts too much to talk about.

You still remember the times he was your "dad" and not your "father". It was the time before the alcohol changed that man into beast and you were left to pick up the pieces.

"You're so soft amor.." Pablo smiled when you nuzzled you face into your boyfriend's neck blushing at his kind compliment.

"Which one do you want to watch princesa??" he said scrolling through Netflix happy that he always let's you chose even though you always like the typical girly romantic comedies.

"Hmm this one?" you say looking up at him with big eyes and he smiled clicking play and kissing the top of your head lovingly while gently moving his fingers through your curls.

"You're lucky I love you so much preciosa.." he said and you nodded your head kissing his neck cause you were too lazy to get up and kiss his lips.

"Sorry to interrupt, hermano..but it's for Y/n" Aurora walked in with the home phone and you sat up taking it from her hearing your mom's crying voice on the other line. Damn it!

"I'm sorry mom..It's on silent mode..um yeah..I'll come..no worries!" you spoke while Pablo gently caressed your leg becoming worried when he saw your scared face.

It wasn't the first time something like this would happen..you would spend time with him only to receive a call that your dad was acting out again. You would go and be there for your mom like always.

Pablo hated that you needed to go through this..and he felt horrible that he couldn't help in any way. It wasn't his place..but you were his girl..so he felt responsible when he saw you suffering because of it.

"I'm sorry Pablito..um..I have to go" you already had tears in your eyes as you gave the phone to him and got up from the bed putting one of his hoodies on and your shoes.

"Amor.." Pablo said making you turn around and he stood up walking to you and snaking his arms around your waist pulling you into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this.." he said wanting to just keep holding you and protect you from all of this crap. He kissed your head lovingly before letting you go spending the rest of the night worried and unable to fall asleep.

A few days later, Pablo was going to pick you up to take you to Camp Nou for his first game of the season and when he approached the door he heard yelling.

"But dad, I got into the college..I got a full ride too" your voice was so small and Pablo knew you were only seeking his approval. His poor girl!

"I'm not wasting money on your college! Why don't you get your milioner boyfriend to pay!?" man said and Pablo felt sick knocking because he couldn't hear any more. He just wanted to get you out of there.

You opened rubbing your eyes faking a smile like always because you didn't want to worry Pablo about anything. He had a game to focus on and this should be the last thing on his mind.

"I'll be right out cariño" you kiss him quickly before rushing to grab your backpack while Pablo smiled seeing his name flashing on your back.

You were in the car and Pablo was driving when suddenly his hand took yours and he kissed it softly. You looked at him wondering what he did that for so suddenly definitely not complaining.

"I'm so proud of you for getting into college mi amor.." he said and you gulped feeling your eyes fill with tears after hearing those words..you craved to hear them for so long and it meant everything.

"T..thank..you..Pablo" your voice was cracking and Pablo felt his heart shatter that it took your boyfriend to hear such words..he wanted to keep saying them for years just to make you believe them.

"You're my perfect girl..you work so hard..and you're always there for everyone..I can't begin to explain how special you are..and how lucky I am to call you mine" he finished and a tear escaped your eye but you dried it quickly.

"You're gonna make us both cry Pablito! Stop it! It's game day and I want to cheer for my man!" you giggled although you wanted to break down and he smiled nodding his head and kissing your hand again while parking his car.

It was the middle of the night when your dad really crossed the line slapping your mom in front of your eyes and starting to shatter everything around the house. There was no stopping him and you did all you could in that moment, you called for help..

"Amor? What time is it??" Pablo's phone was groggy from sleep and you were fighting at urge to cry out staying quiet while hiding in your room.

"P..Pablo..please come..I..um..I need your help" you were whispering and Pablo was already on his feet getting dressed quickly and hopping into his car.

He kept knocking until you opened and suddenly both of you were face to face with your dad.

"What the fuck are you doing in my house!?" man's voice was barely comprehensible from how drunk he was right now and Pablo wrapped his strong arm around your waist pulling you behind him.

"Sir, you've drank too much and it would be the best if you went to bed" Pablo kept calm and your dad started laughing maniacally throwing the empty beer bottle and making you jump in fead holding onto Pablo for dear life.

"Who do you think you are kid!? Coming to MY house to tell ME what to do!?" your dad was knowing for his aggression when he drinks but tonight you were more scared than ever that he might actually attack Pablo.

"Sir, please..don't do this in front of your wife and daughter" Pablo said and you saw your mom walk from the living room holding a napkin to her bloody nose.

"Jake, please let's just get you to bed.." she tried to reason with him to but there was no use.

"You shut up! Fucking bitch!" he yelled turning towards her and she flinched when he started walking but he didn't make it far until Gavi pulled him back. That's when all the hell broke loose.

You dad threw a first punch and Pablo quickly got to his feet pushing on top of him and then there was no way to say who hit who while your mom and you screamed.

"Just because you fuck her kid that doesn't mean you tell me how to treat her!" your dad spat and you could tell that really got Pablo angry as he held him by the collar.

"You disgusting hijo de puta! She's your daughter! You're supposed to protect her not be the one she's scared of! You're supposed to say how proud you are of her accomplishments and to always be there when she needs you!" Pablo's words made you cry into your mother's arms until your dad forcefully pushed him of and got on top of him.

"No..no..no! Please stop! Dad! NO!" you were starting to panic your vision blurred when you saw Pablo pushing your father off and preceding to hit him.

"STOP PABLO!" you screamed curling up in the ball and shaking violently with your mom trying to calm you down. Your cry seemed to sober Pablo up who rushed to your side holding you tightly completely forgetting about your useless father.

"I'm sorry princesa..it's alright..I'll take you and your mom to my house..everything is going to be alright" Pablo was crying too never wanting you to see him violent like that but things just spun out of control.

"Vamos Mrs. Y/l/n.." Pablo helped her stand up before grabbing your from the floor and carrying you bridal style towards his car while your dad was still laying on the floor.

When you arrived to Pablo's house, his parents helped your mom while he took you to his room and placed you on his bed. You were crying and avoiding his eyes and that hurt him so much..were you scared of him now too??

"Amor..please look at me?" his voice was broken and when your eyes met again you were both crying.

"I'm sorry..so sorry princesa..I never wanted you to see me like that..I am not a man like that..I would never hurt you..I need to know that you know that?" Pablo spoke and you quickly moved closer holding his face and kissing his lips which made him relax in your hold.

"Of course I know Pablito..you were protecting me and my mom..I just..I was so overwhelmed and scared he will hurt you" you said and he laid your head onto his shoulder kissing on top of it while laying back with you in his arms.

"Shh I'm alright..and you will be too..I want you to stay with me princesa?" Pablo said and you wee sobered up quickly looking up at him with big eyes.

"W..what??" you said and he smiled nodding his head.

"I am moving to an apartment in a week and I want you to come live with me? It's the only way I will know you are safe..and we would have our home" he said and you were crying unsure of what to answer.

"Um..Pablo..I don't know what to say.." you say while he played with your hair gently kissing your head again.

"Just that you will make me the luckiest man and come live with me..let me protect you..and show you how a real man takes care of a woman?" he said and you smiled knowing that you can fully trust Pablo to take care of you.

"Are you sure Pablito?" you ask knowing that you wouldn't be able to handle getting comfortable with him only to have him leave too.

"Yes, princesa. Don't be scared..because I won't leave..I promise" he speaks gently and you smile that he knew exactly what you were thinking about.

"And if we fight?" you ask looking up at him and he take his time to think before answering.

"Then we fight but let's make one rule right now, we never go to bed angry, okay??" he says and you smiled nodding your head and leaning in to kiss his lips while he holding your face in his hands.

"O..okay.." you say while he brushed your happy tears. His special girl!

"Okay? So that's a yes princesa?" he says in excitement and you giggle nodding your head while he kissed your lips again. Just then, Aurora opened the door of Pablo's room.

"Impeccable timing Rora!" Pablo groaned and his sister rolled her eyes at her younger brother before turning towards you.

"Your mom will stay with us for awhile at least until she files the divorce papers..then she will go to your grandma's old apartment in Sevilla" Aurora explained and you nodded proud of your mom for finally accepting the truth. You were a little worried how she will be able to live without you if you Stayed in Barcelona with Pablo.

"I don't want you to worry hermanita. Me and Javi are both in Sevilla most of our time, and we will check up on her often. And you can always come when Pablito is traveling?" he says and you smiled nodding your head holding onto Pablo's hand tightly.

"Everything is going to be alright, princesa..I'm right here" he says and you smile nodding your head and thanking both of them for all their help.

And since you and Pablo started living together, he always made sure to baby you and make sure you feel heard and supported.

"Here's your lunch amor" you gave him the plate of food and he pulled you close kissing your forehead.

"Thank you, little one! You've worked so hard, maybe we both need nap time huh?" he said and you blushed nodding your head and napping on his shoulder while he ate.

Whenever the thoughts of your dad returned, you would get very quiet and Pablo always noticed that.

"Goodnight baby, I love you" he said before bed pulling you close so that your back is glued to his chest as he spoons you.

"Love you" you said shortly but from your voice he could tell something was wrong.

"What's wrong with you amor?" he said and you sighed

"I'll be okay..." you answer but he turns you around to face him and tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear.

"Thant's not what I asked you princesa.." he answers and you would spend the night talking through your fears together. He was always so patient and a really good listener.

And when he is away, and you're with your mom he would always facetime you before bed no matter the time difference.

"I want to feel you baby.." he sighed and your eyes sparkled looking at his handsome face on the screen.

"I miss you so much" you answer blushing a little at his infamous smirk.

"You're all mine when I get home" he said and you sushed him making you both giggle before you started yawning.

"Get some rest, princesa. I'll be here until you fall asleep" he said and you smiled closing your eyes and just listening to his soothing voice.

I really hope you like it anon <3

[imbecominggayer]

Why I Hate "Out Of Character"

My soul is burning with the desire to complain about shit so this time we're going to be doing a huge big category for:

Why You Shouldn't Write "Out Of Character"

Here is my philosophy for why I hate when fanfictioners and writers alike write characters out of character

Lack Of Attachment

When I am searching for fanfiction about a character whether or not it's ship-based, adventure, canon compliant, or even canon incompliant, I am searching for that character. Unfortuantely, I am not interested in your original characters because it's basically the equivalent of having a huge party with all your favorite people and then a stranger arrives.

I don't want to hang out with that stranger. It's awkward. So when a favorite character of mine starts acting like a stranger then ~they're just somebody that I used to know~

2. Stereotypical

Oftentimes, when an author consciously makes the choice to change a character it's often made to remove the complexity from a character in order to fit a certain mold. This can be done for a multiple of reasons and with various outcomes:

In Part 1, I talked about woobification and how authors, in an attempt to write their villain characters and angsty bois and gois as sympathetic, often get rid and ignore their horrible flaws and turn them into permanently crying messes I can't stand.

In Part 2, I talked about how male characters are often feminized or masculinized when they are written in a mlm fiction. These characters are either the Sissy archetype or Toxic Masculinity.

This stereotypical lends, at best, oversimplifies a character's complexities in order for them to fit into the narrow constraints of a trope and, at worst, homogenize an entire community of people with an undercurrent of bigotry.

FINAL REASON: Author's Hand

When reading/writing a story the best place for the author to be is in the background making the magic happen while the characters are on stage acting out their lives. The problem with the "Out Of Character" stuff is the fact that it feels like a character has been placed inside a glass box where they must act out their lives. Confined to tropes.

I'm totally fine with people having different character interpretations and character arcs. Those aren't my issue. It's only when these bland stereotypical paperdoll-like stories are the only thing I can read that I start getting snappy.

[the-fiction-witch]

Afraid Of Me

Media TMR

Character Newt

Couple's Newt X Marie & Newt X Reader

Rating Sweet + Abusive

Requested:

I just had a master idea come into my head for a writing request. The plot line would go something like there are two girls in the Glade (this is a Newt x Y/n) and basically Newt dates the other girl and she is quite abusive towards him. And when he finally gets over her and starts dating Y/n, they sit in her hut one day and he does something (or makes a mistake or something) and he basically braces himself for Y/n to hit him. And then the ending is all like

fluff and cute and all that 🤭😄🙏🏼👍🏼

Warnings - Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse, Gaslighting, Abusive relationship, suicide, self harm, emotional manipulation

I stood doing my work and keeping an eye on the time as I worked on things, 

“Newt!” my body froze up and I even dropped my hoe onto the grass 

“Y-yes Marie” I answered picking it up and turning to see her standing there 

"I told you I wanted us to have lunch together" 

"Oh is it lunchtime already?" 

"No, my lunch break is over"

"Oh no, I'm sorry Marie I lost track of time" 

"Whatever" she sighed marching off back to work

"No Marie please I didn't mean to -" I began trying to follow her 

"Enough, I don't wanna hear it newt" she snapped "Go back to work"

"You sure you're okay?'

"I'm fine" she snapped I have her cheek a kiss but she didn't respond heading back to work so I went back to work too. 

When I was finally done with work I skipped dinner and just headed to Marie's little hut in the deadheads hoping for a snuggle but when I arrived I noticed how she was crying

"Marie, what's the matter?" 

"You know what you did!'

"I don't I swear please just tell me what's wrong?" I asked her 

"You're always like this! You always just play down these things like how I feel isn't important"

"Whatever I did Marie I'm sorry, just tell me and I'll fix it" 

"You know I don't like eating lunch on my own! You promised you'd come to sit with me every day" she explained "Do you have any idea how horrible it is being the only girl surrounded by boys"

"You're not the only girl there's y/n?"

"That's not the point! You promised you would"

"I'm sorry Marie I really am it just got away from me, you know I don't leave you alone on purpose, maybe you should come to get me when it's lunchtime so I don't forget"

"Well, I would think you wouldn't forget your promises!"

"I haven't forgotten -"

"It's fine! I didn't realise that just sitting with me is such a chore! Maybe I should just run off into the maze as it's obvious you don't want to spend time with me"

"Marie of course I want to spend time with you" I told her "your my girlfriend I love you, and I want to spend every moment with you. I'm sorry I’m just stupid and I forget things," I told her wrapping my arms around her to try and comfort her "You know that don't you?"

"It doesn't feel like it" she says digging her nails into my arms and forcing me away 

"Okay, I'm sorry I should do better I'm sorry I really am Marie I'll do better I promise"

"That's what you always say"

"And I mean it," I told her "Hey? Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" 

She smiled a moment stroking my cheek but she slapped me hard "owww!"

"Just leave me alone newt" 

"Alright, I'll give you your space," I told her going to leave her alone but I fell to the floor as she had thrown something not sure what at the back of my head forcing me to the floor as she came and kicked and punched me between her tears 

"Why would you leave me alone when I'm clearly upset! You just don't care, do you? You don't care about my emotions!"

"You told me to leave you alone!' I complained

"You should know I don't wanna be alone when in upset! Why can't you be a good boyfriend and say oh no I'll stay Marie because you’re upset and I love you and care for you and what you to feel better"

"Okay! I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'm a bad boyfriend I should do better I should know that I'm sorry!" 

"Just leave me alone newt!" She yells running to her hammock to loudly cry

"But you just said you didn't want to be alone-"

"Maybe I should just run into the maze where no one could find me, no one cares about me"

"Marie you know I care about you-"

"Just go newt!" 

I did my best as I sat at the table to hide my bruises I know they weren't that bad but I didn't want anyone to see any way they wouldn't understand I sat with Marie beside me y/n across from us and Minho and Thomas near the end of the table all of us chatting as we sipped our moonshine, I felt somewhat distant from the conversation between Minho, Thomas and y/n. I don't know how but I always kinda felt excluded Marie made a point to make herself different and kinda take herself back from everyone I guess that just continues to me sometimes too.

"How are the strawberries coming newt?" Y/n asks clearly attempting to bring me into the conversation which did make me feel better and the two of us chatted for a good while given I worked in the gardens and she works in the kitchens we had a close relationship even if we didn't see each other much, and honestly, I didn't talk to y/n a lot anymore I know how it made Marie feel which is what made our conversation stop short as Marie just got up and left 

"Sorry I uhh" I said quickly getting up and following her back to her hut where we locked the door 

“I hope you had fun!”

“What do you mean?”

“With y/n” 

“Marie, it’s okay you have no need to be worried it’s just y/n”

“Ohh so I should be worried?”

“What no!”

“Why should I be worried? Is this what goes on when I’m at work?”

“No! Nothing goes on. Don’t you trust me?” “Ohhh so I’m the jealous controlling girlfriend now, that's what you tell y/n that I’m just a stupid jealous girl”

“I haven’t said anything to her, we were just talking about the gardens that's all. If you’d just gotten involved in the conversation you’d have known that”

“So it’s my fault!” she screamed picking up a rock and hurling it at my head for a moment flooring me “I told you I don’t want you talking to her!”

“She’s my friend-”

“I’m your girlfriend!”

“She’s one of only sixty people here, I knew her for a year before you came up what do you expect me to do Marie?”

“Fine. I see how it is. You like her more then me”

“No Marie of course not. You know I love you” 

“I should just go, you’ll be happier with her. You don’t love me. You’re just gonna cheat on me anyway”

“I’m not going to cheat on you I promise. Marie please you have to have some faith in me, don’t you love me?” 

“Ohh that is so manipulative! Because I love you, you should just be allowed to do whatever you want!” she yelled, she said a lot more about how horrible a boyfriend I was but I couldn’t hear much of it most of it not sinking in between her kicks and punches 

“Okay! Okay! I’ll stop talking to her! I’ll not leave you alone! I’ll do whatever you want to make you happy” I cried 

“I shouldn’t have to ask you! You shouldn’t need to be told the bare minimum!” she yelled 

“Okay! I’m sorry I’m sorry!”

I finished up work and headed into the deadheads towards Marie’s hut skipping dinner as usual as I didn’t want to leave her alone too long but when I arrived I noticed she had a runners pack and was gathering things up around her hut

“Marie, what’s going on?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Le-Leaving! What are you talking about?” 

“I can’t live like this anymore newt. I’m just sick of everything I’m leaving”

“Wh-where are you going to go?”

“Into the maze, if I can’t find a way out I’m just going to die”

“Marie no! Please- just stay just stay one more month I promise we’ll do everything we can to-”

“No! I’m going” she says “Get your things”

“What- Marie… I wanna stay here.”

“You’re not coming with me?”

“Don’t you love me?”

“Of course, I love you but… I don’t want to leave the glade.”

“Fine! Then I’ll go without you” she says taking her bag I tried to talk her out of it all the way to the doors but she wouldn’t listen.

“Marie Please don’t do this”

“If you loved me, you’d come with me, Come on let's go.”

“....No.”

“What?”

“No Marie, I don’t want to go with you”

“Fine! You’re a dick!” She just left running off without me. I sat and waited by the doors hoping she’d to her senses and come back but surely enough the doors closed, I waited by the doors all night in the hope she’d come back but nothing. Minho even let me go out a couple of days to look for her but we never found anything. 

I sat on the log by the fire on my third moonshine of the night “Hey? You doing okay?” Y/n asks as she came to sit with me 

“Yeah sorry -” I began wiping my eyes 

“Newt it's okay, I’m sorry about Marie” 

“It’s okay. I’ll be alright”

“Well you need anything you know where” she smiled “Come here” she smiled giving me a tight hug for a moment I didn’t move but I couldn’t help myself hugging her tightly and inhaling her sweet scent 

“Thank you y/n”

“You’re welcome,” she smiled, heading out to the rest of the bonfire. 

It had been almost a year since Marie ran off and the scars she left me with still hadn’t healed both real and emotional I had slowly gotten myself over it all even if there were still nights I found myself unable to stop crying but things had gotten better, I reconnected with so many of my friends and even started a new relationship y/n and I hung out so much more since Marie left and I felt so happy spending time with her, she was always so sweet to me. I sat by the fire moonshine in one hand my other hand on Y/n’s waist her head on my chest as we cuddled up by the fire she gave me a gentle playful poke “Yeah?” I asked and she tugged my arm so I brought the moonshine jar to her lips letting her have a sip till she nods so I took it away “Ahh?” I asked opening my mouth she smiled and brought her chicken stick to my mouth so I took one “Thank you” 

“You’re welcome” she smiled nuzzling a little closer I smiled down at her and she happily smiled back giving my lips a little kiss before she nuzzled back into my neck we chatted sharing our stuff for a good while until it got fairly late 

“Did you want me to walk you back to your hut?”

“That’d be nice newt, if you like you’re more than welcome to come for a snuggle?” 

“Really?”

“Yeah come on” she smiled getting up and tugging my hand to pull me up with her I happily got up and we headed to her hut hand in hand sitting on her little bed together snuggling and often kissing “Oww” she complained as I had squeezed her a little too hard 

“Ohh I’m so sorry Y/n” I quickly told her moving away to put space between us 

“It's okay” she smiled closing the gap I made between us “Just not so hard okay?”

“Okay” I nodded and soon enough we returned to our cuddle now making out heavily, often tossing and rolling over on the bed until we hit the floor 

“Owww!” 

“Oh my god- I’m so sorry y/n I’m so sorry” I quickly told her shuffling myself into the corner and holding my arms close to my body 

“Newt? Are you okay?” she asks coming to sit beside me and gently setting her hand on my shoulder 

“I’m fine”

“It’s okay you didn’t hurt me, it’s okay.” she reassured

“You sure?”

“Of course, I’m worried about you are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine” I answered moving away again 

“Newt? Are you afraid of me?”

“I mean…”

“Why would you be afraid of me?”

“Well, aren’t you going to shout at me? Or hit me? Kick me?”

“...W-why would I hurt you?”

“Because I hurt you. I messed up.”

“Newt we fell off the bed. It's not your fault. It was an accident”

“You’re really not gonna do anything? You're not going to shout at me? Say I don’t love you?”

“Of course not,” she says “Why on earth would I ever do anything like that to you,” she says “... Did Marie use to do that to you?” 

I nodded 

“Could you let me see?”

I was nervous but I let her see the scars of my relationship with Marie and it brought her to tears 

“Ohh newt, you poor thing. Why didn’t you ever say she was treating you like this?”

“I didn’t know any better. I thought that how relationships were”

“Ohh newt, I love you” she says hugging me tightly “You are loved. By all the boys too we all care about you so much we’d never let her treat you like that if we knew”

“You- you won’t hit me?”

“Of course not never.”

“Or kick me?”

“No, Absolutely not”

“You won’t scream and shout, tell me off for talking to people?”

“No, you talk to whoever you want to.”

“You won’t shout at me for missing lunch together?”

“I mean I’ll be mad if I find out your skipping meals. But if you want to lunch with the boys or on your own that's fine. I can’t say I won’t ever get mad at you but I promise you I will never hurt you” she explained being gentle and careful to hug me 

“You promise?”

“I promise I love you very much newt and together we’ll work on getting these healed” she says “And all those internal ones up here too,” she says tapping my head 

“Okay” I nodded “That sounds nice, I love you very much y/n I’m sorry-” “You have nothing to apologize for, come on let's get tucked up. You can stay here tonight”

“You- You’ll let me stay?”

“Of course we can get cosy and cuddle up till work tomorrow” she smiled sitting on the bed and patting beside her so I happily wiped my tears and sat with her. 

[julietasgf]

first of all I love long answers, so no apologies in fact I'll apologize because I plan to ramble on.

I also love the movie but I have so many problems with how little we were given of the Plinth family, that they didn't fully exploit Marcus and Sejanus relationship and the sandwich scene (no ironically I have so much to say about that I may do another post explaining in depth why I hate how they executed that scene) so I feel you buddy

Yes I also think it was a bit of an unnecessary change in that regard, I'm not complaining at all about a scene of Coriolanus crying while looking at a picture of him and Sejanus together, it's cute to see him that pathetic crying and my heart was broken bc we could see again that Coriolanus means the world to Sejanus and yet that happen, but still I think it's more interesting, dramatic and hilarious to witness Coriolanus frustration at seeing that there's a picture of Marcus, of all the people.

Is someone else and NOT HIM, THE ONE THAT INSPIRE SEJANUS. Like as a snowjanus fan Im more into that shit of Coryo in denial screaming and thwroing bc ITS NOT HIM. But thats probably only me /j

You summarized very well many of the aspects in Marcus and Sejanus relationship that drive me crazy. I also belive they had such an unique relationship in the saga, Im so angry bc the movie dont fucking explore them in depth.

AND I AGREED WITH EVERY WORD YOU SAID ABOUT SEJANUS, THAT MOMENT OF KIDNESS IN THE END IT DEFINED HIS CORE, YEARS LATER HE MADE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO BE GUIDED BY THE ONE MOMENT WHEN A STRANGER OFFERED HIM HELP AND COMFORT OUT OF COMMUNITY AND EMPATHY.

Yeah it's obvious that much of his character is ultimately shaped by his mother, but he makes a very conscious decision to live by that interaction, to decide that if no one else is willing to make that selfless gesture, he'll be the one to take care of it. Even if the world tells him he's crazy and wrong for going in that direction.

About Marcus I agree that he probably thought that and it makes me so sad because I can't help but wonder what it was like for him, again I know in the book they mention they were more classmates than friends but I don't know, childhood in itself seems to me a stage where you tend to connect deeply with others as you are not yet fully aware of the barriers, and while I can see some classmates already having reservations towards Sejanus because of what Strabo had done and what their parents told lf Plinth family, it seems to me it shows that Marcus was not one of those kids.

So I like to think he thought in his own way about Sejanus. About how nice he was despite the nasty reputation that was forming of his family until finally Sejanus moves in and people tell Marcus that the Plinth's are traitors and other terrible things.

How to reconcile that image with that of the scared little boy he helped and thanked him deeply for it? I think it takes years (and the games ultimately help deepen the rift because Sejanus is safe and they in the district aren't) for him to come to that conclusion.

Then Marcus is reaping and it must have been painful and horrible to see Sejanus standing behind a fence, in an expensive and extravagant uniform, trying to offer him a very hearty sandwich. We know it is a gesture of help and comes from a place of compassion but god I can also see how it is at the same time a kind of cruel mockery.

Because Marcus is going to die and he doesn't need a sandwich, or an apology, he needs to be taken out of there, he needs to do not be killed and forced to kill others. So it makes sense his resentfulness will grow, also the image of Sejanus in his memory as his classmate who did wear a nice suit more expensive than others yes but still was from district 2, still live and suffer the war with them, was destroyed, now he can only think of this Sejanus totally capitol from his eyes, a fucking traitor in a red like blood uniform.

Marcus must have been totally hopeless... We know the people in the capitol saw him as a possible winner but I don't think this was his vision. Like the rest he was a scared kid, probably resigned to his death.

He could not give in to ask for Sejanus' help, to take his hand because what would that mean? That he too would become a traitor, that he was not loyal enough to his family and community? He did not want to die with that weight on his conscience and also facing Sejanus sounds anything but helpful.

He doesn't even know from the sandwich act if Sejanus is the same. He already looks different. What if he turned into one of those whimsical, conceited children? Will he be able to stand talking to him? And what could Plinth do for him? Give him a better weapon? Give him a fucking cake?

There was no point in saying anything. Nor to do it.

I believe the bombing and when he sees a way out is the only time Marcus regains hope and we know what happens to him because of that...

I love recommending caifanes songs that reminds me of Sejanus too much what can I say... And I love even more that you listen to them and see the vision. Im out of caifanes songs for now but if you can handle the trigger warning of spain spanish I can give you:

From the treasure planet the spanish dubb version of Im still here / Estoy aquí by Alex ubago. Its so Sejanus CODED. I choose the spanish version bc its a more youthful voice than the original.

I always apologize for answering too long answers, I genuinely fear being annoying for it 😭

yessss!!! in the movie, I have the feeling that excluding so much of the plinths didn't really show the impact of how fucked up it was what coriolanus did by the end. he stole a boy's whole life. he knew his parents, he knew his mother, and still, he got him killed and stole his life anyway. it's so disturbing when you stop to think about it, but since we don't really see much from the plinths in the movie, I feel like it weights much less than it should (ALSO, YES, THE SANDWICH SCENE WAS A CRIME, it was really poorly executed and another point where it seems to make coryo better imo)

it's so funny to me that scene in the book bc coriolanus says with all his chest that it shows "where sejanus' loyalty laid with". bro really came to the conclusion JUST NOW that maybe, and just maybe, he isn't the center of the world and neither is the capitol 😭 while reading I though of him turning to the camera like a the office episode plssssss (and I absolutely AGREE HELPP, coriolanus screaming crying throwing up because sejanus has a pic of MARCUS, of ALL PEOPLE)

the movie had so much potential to explore their relationship in a more visual way. I absolutely understand why storytelling-wise they would rather to explore of sejanus and coriolanus' relationship.... but marcus and sejanus are so important and interesting and UGHHHHH (and plus, they remind me so much of katniss and peeta, I've seen some parallels that DRIVE ME INSANE and I would actually kill for a 4 hour cut with scenes of them together)

AND YESSSS!!! everything regarding the districts in tbosas, everytime we see something about their lifestyle, is about community. marcus and sejanus were not even friends in his words, they were classmates, and marcus went and helped a child that was probably left out and despised by most of his classmates, and he didn't want anything in return (another thing that drives me insane is how coriolanus is quite the reverse of this; he helped sejanus out of interest, pure interest, and how this is pure capitol, while marcus is pure district).

at that point of the rebellion, the plinths were probably so despised at D2, because the way sejanus cherishes that memory is just so important to me. it's the kind of thing you'd probably forget, but he remembered marcus' name, he kept his pic and everything, and he probably talked about it at home enough for his father to know about marcus and. yk. do what he did at the games to "teach sejanus a lesson". marcus' kindness was THAT remarkable. another thing that I think abt 24/7: what was marcus thinking all this time? we never even see him talking. what were his thoughts? I would actually pay suzanne collins just to KNOW.

during the zoo scene, I felt physical pain because I could only think about how OFFENDED marcus probably felt. because, in his place, I at least would feel extremely offended. because let me get this straight: after your father betrays our district, you leave for this fancy town, with fancy clothing, and now I'm about to die, and then you come here offering me a sandwich? (also, this sets another interesting thing about marcus, he's so proud, and I'm just mentioning it bc it seems like a common trait between people from D2 in the future) and plus, he probably saw coriolanus going to talk to lucy gray for the first time at the train. okay that coriolanus' intentions weren't pure, but how marcus felt that sejanus actually KNEW HIM and didn't go to see him, but this boy who never met this girl actually went to the train station? and then his first interaction with sejanus is him offering him food as if he's an animal?

one thing I read once, and I really can't recall from where, was an interpretation that marcus never even spoke to sejanus (not even to curse him or tell him to fuck off) because it was much better to die with the little boy he knew still on his mind, kind and gentle, than to talk to the boy he doesn't know and discover how he actually changed into something marcus despised.

I also do think marcus was resigned to his death. the way he doesn't even try says a lot, even though everyone agreed that he was the tribute with the most chances. D2 is big, it's not like D12, which is smaller. what would it mean for marcus to return after accepting help from a plinth? what would it mean for him to return after 23 another children getting killed just so he could get out alive?

also, in some form, I think marcus and sejanus' dynamic as tribute and mentor as some sort of anti-lucy gray and coriolanus. they're the reverse of each other.

it's so tragic, really, that he had hope for the first time just to end tragically like that. now, I'm going to punch a wall and cry for at least two days in a corner, because marcus is genuinely one of the most interesting tributes and he didn't even got to fight in the games to be this interesting.

(suzanne collins really went HARD on creating characters this time, not that in thg she didn't, but how is almost every character in tbosas is special and iconic to me?)

and I love getting recommended songs!!! ☝️ NOT THE SPAIN SPANISH TRIGGER WARNING (spain spanish and portugal portuguese are really cousins, it seems) ☠️ first, omg, I was just today thinking abt the characters as disney songs, I'm kinda screaming that you sent me this!!! specially bc as a kid my hobby was listening to different versions of the same disney song, and I RECOGNIZED IT, but I never actually stopped to pay attention to the lyrics and YOU'RE SO RIGHT, I get amazed bc every single song you recommend I stop and stare at the wall thinking of how, actually, it makes total sense 😭

[qmakobin]

My Galaxy

My galaxy, one-shot by Eribin

A/N: hi! This is Eribin. I am not a real writer, doing this as my past time. English is not my first language so bear with my English. There’s a lot of grammatical and typographical errors. This is just a fiction from my delusions 😆 this was inspired by the song Hitomi no naka no Galaxy by Arashi. I suggest to listen to that song while reading.

CAST:

ICCHAN (ITSUKI FUJIWARA) DIANE (Y/N)

ITSUKI'S POV

We were sitting next to each other on the rooftop of the hospital, stargazing. Her head was on my left shoulder, and she was holding my hand. It's almost midnight, but we don't care. We’re here since sunset. We want to have this moment alone, and this might be our last moment together.

"The sky, the galaxy, is so peaceful," she murmurs. She was tired from crying earlier.

"They shine like your eyes, Diane," I said, tightening the hold of her hands. Her hands look small and delicate in my hands. If only i can hold it forever

"It looks like wishing on the shooting stars is a scam," she said and laughed. a sweet laugh that I will definitely miss. "I wish they spared me more time to be with you, Icchan. I feel guilty for hiding our relationship all these years," she added while playing with my hands. This made me teary-eyed, so I looked away so she wouldn't see my face. I am embarrassed to cry in front of her at this moment. I need to look strong in front of her.

"Diane, you should not feel guilty. I am genuinely happy in our relationship," I said as I wiped away the tears coming from my eyes with my other hands. She moved a little away from me and smiled at me. A sweet and big smile

"I was thinking, If we wished for the shooting star, was it just fleeting? Billions of wishes were fleeting in the galaxy. Shooting stars disappeared into endless space. So, probably our wishes were left behind and just fleeting. Hahahaha. That's why my only wish was never granted," she said, and you can hint at sadness in her voice.

Actually, I don't know what to say. Diane loves astronomy, and I didn't before. We talked about planets, comets, theories, and other stuff for hours. I am not complaining. She's fun to be with and to talk to. You can actually learn something interesting from being with her.

"Icchan, thank you for making me the happiest girl alive right now. Being with you is the best feeling I've experienced. Thank you for making me experience how to love and to be loved. I wish you real happiness and am sorry for breaking your heart. I am guilty for leaving you miserable. Allow your heart to heal and to love again. I am really sorry, Icchan. Days from now or even hours, I might not be here with--" I stopped her by sealing our lips. When our lips parted, I closed my eyes to prevent my tears from falling. Diane has congenital heart defects. And it's not curable. I knew from the start that she had this disease. Her parents prevented her from having a boyfriend because of her condition, but we fought it. We fight it for love. After almost 3 years of relationship, we learn to love each other unconditionally to the point that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but destiny is not on our side.

"Don't say that, Diane, please. I'm begging you; don't make this so hard for me," I said while our foreheads touched. Just thinking of my life without her, it's sad and horrible.

"I love you, Icchan. You're absolutely wonderful. You deserve all the good things in this world," she said, cupping my face. I closed my eyes and felt her touch. "I'm sorry, Icchan, for leaving you. I really am," she added.

"don't be sorry. I never regret the time we fought for our love. I love you, Diane, always and forever," I replied. I kissed her once again with care and longing. I will miss the taste of her lips. The mint lip balm. Her strawberry-scented shampoo. I will miss this feeling every time I am with her. She being talkative. Her sweetest smile. Her galaxy-like eyes shone the brightest. I will miss you, Diane.

"I will surely become a star to watch over you, Icchan," she said when we parted and wiped each other's tears away. We smiled at each other, saying everything would be alright.

"When it's my time,I will search for you in the vast galaxy, Diane. I will search for you in the billion trillions of stars. I will also become a star next to you. I promise that to you," I said, another tear endlessly falling from our eyes. At that moment, we don't care about others. We care only about our hearts. She rested her head on my shoulder, and we watched the stars once again in the sky. It's beautiful, just like Diane. We talked about my future. She wants me to love again and have a family. A big family. I don't want to talk about it, but Diane insists. As we enjoyed gazing, we unexpectedly saw a shooting star.

"Did you see that, Diane? A shooting star," I said as I cried loudly. I know I am hopeless now, but I don't care. I felt that her head was getting heavier on my shoulder as her hand slowly fell to her side. I cried. "I wish that you will be safe on your next journey. Wait for me, Diane." At that moment, I wanted the time to stop for me to have more moments with her. I know that she's already tired and she don't want to be burden to us.

Out of nowhere, her parents came to us, crying heavily. Her mother kneeled down to be on her level, while her father was just looked at her, try and hide their face so they can’t see that he's crying. The ache spreads out in my chest, it hurts seeing them like that.

I looked at the sky. I saw one star that shined the brightest. I smiled while crying.

eh? That fast, Diane? Wait for me, Diane.

[brainrot-stitch]

Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)

It's nice just to like

Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.

Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.

I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.

There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.

It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.

There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...

Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.

The crickets are gone

I miss them 💔

I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.

But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.

Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3

[kirakuudere1]

VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNING. SA AND SH

Music

Current Day:

Maybe I'm just a bad kid, a horrible kid who deserves all the bad things that have happened. Maybe I'm becoming my mother. My name is Music because that's the one thing I love - music. I lose myself in it, drowning everything else out. My life hasn't been the worst; I wasn't beaten every day, and there were moments of happiness. So why do I complain?

I'm leaning against the car window, driving back from my appointment. People call me filthy and lazy, and they're right. I am disgusting. I shower maybe once a week. The depression's been dragging on for a year, but I keep telling myself that a burst of cleanliness will eventually come, making me normal. But it won’t happen today. My mother, she can’t accept who I am. "Let's go shopping," she says, bored. "No," I reply, wanting to get home. I just want to do nothing. I'm in seventh grade, and those eight hours at school ruin my whole day.

I go to my room and face the mirror. My hair is a tangled mess, and light scars mark my arm. My skin is pale, so they're barely visible, but everyone else seems to see them. I think about people with real scars, scars that everyone notices, and in a twisted way, I want to cut myself more, to prove to myself and others that I'm sick enough. That I'm not just an attention-seeking faker. But that feels hypocritical.

I look around my room, a wasteland of trash and clothes. Not dirty enough for bugs, though. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep and never wake up. But if I skip school, I won't see my friends. I pull on a stained hoodie, splattered with tears, snot, and paint. I wear it over my bra, and I won’t take it off all day. I do the bare minimum to get ready, grab my headphones and bag, and head to the bathroom. I put highlights on my nose to make it look smaller, add lipstick and eyeshadow, hoping people will think, "Oh, she cares; she's wearing makeup." Really, I only care about not looking ugly. I put on my music and start walking to the bus stop, a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I sit and try not to stare at the passing cars – people will think I'm weird.

The bus arrives a few minutes later. I can already feel it in my bones: today will be bad. My headphones make things just bearable enough.

At school, sometimes I think I'm pretty, but then I look at everyone else. Even the "ugly" boys seem okay. I don't get it. Everyone but me. Maybe it's my nose, or my face, or my hair.

It's almost the end of the year, so some of my teachers are already checked out. They let me zone out all day because they think I’m not fit for life. I walk to lunch with my two friends, my special friends. They are the only reason I exist. I would live with them if I could. Just being near them makes me happy, but I hate it when their relationships take precedence over me. Maybe I'm just jealous. I call them Oranges and Monster Energy because that's what they love to consume. They're the only people I feel comfortable talking to and touching. Only they can calm me down. Everything else about my day is lifeless. I move and breathe and ignore people and just exist.

Today I’m on the bus. Everything is ok enough, my headphones are playing some song and I’m drawing something but I still feel that feeling. My headphones turn off, I sigh and put them down, suddenly bored. But the feeling deepened. The loud voices of these annoying children all around me blare in my ear, I rock like a crazy person. “Stop talking…” I say in my brain. I feel like I want to throw up, yesterday was ok, but why now. I get up at a red light, tears down my face. “Can you just open the doors, I need to get off, I know how to get home. Please.” The sub bus driver looks back at me confused then sees my crying face, pitying me. “You’re putting me in a spot, but ok” sighing and opening the school bus’s doors. I get out, sighing more as the tears dry. I feel slightly better now that my ears are ok. The walk home isn’t that long.

A Year Ago:

I'm on the bus, and I'm happier, or at least I think I am. I'm wearing my favorite character's clothing to school, smiling with my seventh-grade friend. It's the last days of school. But my shirt was short sleeves, revealing new cuts. People were nicer, pitying me more. However on the bus I could see in the corner of my eyes and hear it slightly. “Look at that…” “shouldn’t music cover that” I sigh, covering my arm with my hand, looking down. My mind becomes clouded and like a headache as my stomach weighs down, waiting to get home.

Current Day:

“Music, can I see you outside?” I nod, happy from theatre practice. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt; the scars were scabbed over and okay enough for me. My hoodie was tied around my waist because of the heat. I'm outside the door, the others laughing inside. My teacher looks at me with pity. "Music, tell me what's going on. I see the marks." That sick feeling wells up inside me, making me want to pass out. "It's nothing..."

I’m inside my counselor’s office, i hate him. “Why did you cut yourself” I pause, why did I, every time I cut its mostly because I want to kill myself, it’s always me trying to attempt but it just being cutting because I’m scared of pain. “It was a one time thing…”

The Day of Cutting:

I was overwhelmed in art class. Everything hurt, a swirling tornado all around me. Life is fake, and I'm just pretending this is real. And even if it is real, I should end my pain. I grabbed some scissors, cutting at my wrist over and over again. I feel the sick feeling, but the tornado is ok enough.

Some Day:

I’m at home. In my room one second then I’m out looking for a cat, a cat I found on the street, I was pretending to be sick for the day. I got a bowl of cat food and I walked around going door to door. “I’m looking for my cat” I stop at a random guys house, I recognize his house because at early mornings you could hear the man coughing from the smoke.

Hours later… I'm somehow inside his house. My memory felt weird like I’m a 50 years old barely able to remember this. I’m inside his house.

Men have an attitude that when they talk to a girl younger they go “am I the only man like this” NO. YOUR NOT SPECIAL. THERE ARE SO MANY MEN WANTING TO RAPE A LITTLE GIRL. AGES FROM 18-90. All of them want a girl who’s innocent, just standing in life, someone that will just arrive at their doorstep.

I’m that..

An hour later I’m laying at the floor, he just pulled up my panties and stopped his assault only because of the call from his phone in the other room- not from me saying no or me trying to kick him off me. I stare like a dead dog at anywhere, the need to scratch my skin off more prominent.

He sends me on my way back home, acting like he isn’t a disgusting man.

I get home.. my dazed self going to my room, I lay there. What do I do.. what am I supposed to do…

Days and days repeat, I’m there standing there I’m not the main character I’m just a little girl in someone’s life. I don’t eat I’m rude I’m not ok I’m just not fit for life. Some people are just not good enough for life.

Every day I just do nothing, I’m like a zombie and some people say it’s “addiction” but nothing makes me feel happy other than consuming something, wether that’s media or me making things or watching things and another rare thing is I enjoy other people. No matter how much they hurt me, I’m still just an innocent little girl that will show up on people’s doorsteps.