#I'm 100% ready to get the “you're both wrong” but i at least want to know if one of us makes more sense?

[whelpimnauthuman]

Spouse and I are fighting so I need your help

Please reblog for larger sample size and lemme know what you do in the notes!

[h0neysp1ce]

Hii

Sorry if this is weird but please can I request some headcanons with Kaveh, Alhaitham and Diluc (Also if you don't write Diluc, Tighnari is good instead) where the Reader has extremely painful period cramps, like to the point where they need to vomit and can't move 🙏

Not at all! here you go 💚🫶

˚୨୧⋆｡˚  Summary: ↑ How does he take care of his s/o when they have very bad cramps?

Characters: Kaveh, Alhaitham, Diluc, Tighnari Tags: Established Relationship (all Separate) Fluff?? Constellation: Head canons Warning(s): Mentions of Period symptoms, nothing graphic reader can be read as gender neutral or Female (Had no clue which one to put so I put both) ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ 

A/N: I tried my best, apologies if Diluc's and Tighnari's Parts are shorter, and hopefully I went into enough detail as you asked , also I hope I titled it in the most un akward way possible, This was my first time writing something like this so I hope its not to bad ^^"

sorta Proof read (will edit later)

Word Count: 1243

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა

Kαʋҽԋ 🎨

This man is worried about you the moment you start not feeling great.

There's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed; he understands that this is something you go through.

It’s nothing new, really. You've been open with him about your cramps being bad, and he understands that.

The first time this happened, it freaked him out because he thought something was wrong with you until you told him what it was, and he calmed down.

Kaveh: "Alright, I'm back with the heating pad and snacks."

You: "Kaveh, aren’t you supposed to be out working with a client today?"

Kaveh: "Oh no, I canceled all my work for today. I’m not leaving you alone and unattended."

You: "KAVEH!!? No, don’t worry about me. You should worry about your work. I know it's stressful and—"

Kaveh: "No, you're more important right now. Please, let me take care of you."

If you end up getting sick, like feeling like you’re about to vomit at any moment, he’ll be there with you, holding your hair back if you're actively getting sick, rubbing circles into your back, and staying with you in the bathroom until you feel better and can get back to bed.

Knowing that you can’t move much in this state, he'll take it upon himself to get you things. Want food? He’ll make you some. Want cuddles? He’ll gladly cuddle you.

He’ll have medicine ready for you along with a glass of water and a heating pad.

This man pampers you 100%.

It pains him to see you hurting and not feeling your best. You won’t see it, but he tends to have a frown on his face when you're hurting. He’s doing everything he can, but he can’t take your pain away completely, and it makes him sad.

He’d take away the pain and discomfort from you if he could.

Most of the time is spent cuddling. It doesn’t matter to him; whatever makes you most comfortable and relieves at least some of your pain is what matters to him.

He’ll kiss your face all over, along with some hand kisses, giving positive affirmations that you’re going to get through it, that it’s going to be okay, that you’re very strong, and that it’s only temporary.

His voice goes soft when talking to you, running a hand gently through your hair. He’ll be looking at you often, always asking if you're alright or if you need anything.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა

Aʅԋαιƚԋαɱ 📚

He’s read plenty of books to know what you’re going through and the best treatments for it.

He knows what it is without even having to ask you, as you’re wrapped around the toilet suffering.

He’ll sit with you and wait until you feel slightly well enough to get back to resting.

He will be honest with you and say that he doesn’t mind or care; there’s no shame or embarrassment. It’s a normal thing you go through.

If you let him, he’ll use his hands to place them on your abdomen. He has warm hands, and he’ll keep them there if it helps relieve the pain and discomfort, even just a little bit.

He’ll pull off his cape and put it on you if that helps comfort you in some way.

If you’re lying down, he’ll make sure to pull you closer. Usually, he doesn’t like being so close, but he’s doing this for you because he cares.

You: "Alhaitham, am I burdening you?"

Alhaitham: "I've told you multiple times already that you’re not a burden. You just need help and assistance right now, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Now go back to sleep." (says this while reading a book)

He’ll carry you or pick you up and take you places since moving by yourself is a no-go.

He’ll be reading a book while you lay with him. In reality, he’s keeping an eye on you, not reading a page of that book, just pretending.

This man would take the pain away from you in a heartbeat if he could.

He’ll be with you the entire time through this tough period.

He’ll make sure you take your medicine every few hours as directed.

In a modern AU, he’d likely turn on a movie or something for you, and you two would stay in bed mostly. He’ll also get you anything you need, don’t worry.

He’s still able to do his job remotely from home as the Akademiya's Grand Scribe. What, did you think this man was going to work while you weren’t feeling your best? Nope! He’s going to take care of you because that’s what partners do.

Even if he shows little affection normally, he’ll make sure to give you some during this time.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა

Dιʅυƈ 🍷

He’s more than aware when he wakes up and finds you not up, as you’re usually up before him.

He’ll ask you, and when you confirm his suspicions, he’ll grab some things (food, whatever you want if you just ask him).

He’ll also make a quick trip to the Tavern and have someone take over for him for a couple of days since he’s going to focus on you right now.

If you allow him, he’ll heat up his hands with his Pryo Vision and place them on your abdomen to ease your cramps slightly. If you’re feeling sick at any point, just tap on him or signal him, and he’ll make sure you get to the bathroom.

He’ll always take one of your hands, pepper kisses all over, and look at you while the two of you are in bed as you relax.

This man is a gentleman (all the men are gentlemen).

Your well-being is a main priority for him.

He’ll shower you with affection and pamper you lots.

He’ll always talk with you and explain that if you need anything at all, just tell him. It’s no bother nor burden. He’ll always assure you that you’re his partner and that he cares about you, giving plenty of reassurance if you need it.

All his duties will be resumed once you’re feeling better completely, so don’t worry about him being behind or anything. He still manages things remotely from Dawn Winery.

Diluc: "Please do tell me if you need anything, anything at all."

You: "Of course I will, Diluc. I love you."

Diluc: "Love you too."

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა

Tιɠԋɳαɾι 🌻

He’ll brew up some tea or have you drink a glass of water first when you confirm with him that it’s that time.

He has plenty of medicine and herbs on hand to ease your cramps and maybe the nausea caused by them.

He’ll let you have snacks but will also make sure you have balanced meals, going for the healthy approach.

Don’t be afraid of your mood changes or swings; he understands. He’s not going to be mad if you end up snapping at him.

He’ll try to limit his job as a Forest Ranger so he can keep an eye on you and take care of you.

The first time it happened, he thought you’d come down with some sort of sickness until you told him what was happening. He understood and went out of his way to help you (though he did end up going on a ten-minute ramble about what you already knew and didn’t need to hear).

If you have back pain, he’ll rub your back for you. If you’re feeling any other discomfort, he’ll do whatever he can to help.

He also tends to give you face kisses and affection. He’s a cuddle person and doesn’t mind you being clingy (none of the men mind you being clingy).

Tighnari: "Now remember what I told you, [Name]?"

You: "Tighnari, we’ve been over this five times already." sigh

Tighnari: "I just need to make sure you’re retaining the information."

You: "This is going to take a while."

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ﾟ ｡ﾟ•┈｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა

[lexirosewrites]

if you were thinking we'd get through a slick sunday without me sending something sad, you're wrong. oops.

cw for some tough topics, including drug addiction, domestic violence, and probably some other stuff that i can't think of right now, with a dose of mpreg bc who would i be if i didn't include that.

so i'm currently thinking of an idea i've been playing around with for a good while now. omega!steve x alpha!eddie.

eddie, who had a tough childhood. both his parents were addicts. his dad was abusive. he'd been exposed to drugs basically straight from the womb. it quickly developed into an addiction of his own. after his mother died, and his father went to prison, eddie moved in with wayne. wayne tried really hard to get his nephew clean, but he could only do so much. eddie spent the next several years microdosing just to keep it manageable. it wasn't until he and steve started dancing around each other that eddie was finally determined to get 100% clean.

it wasn't easy. in fact, it was one of the hardest things eddie ever did. but he had a lot of support, more than he ever had in his life, and after just over a year of ups and downs, eddie finally got his 90 day chip. the very next week, he and steve started courting.

everything is going so well. until it's not.

eddie is acting weird, and steve notices almost immediately. he tries to talk to eddie, figure out what's going on. he's certain eddie is using again, or at least really wants to, and he wants to help him. but eddie isn't himself. he's irritable, easily frustrated, and that's exactly what happens when steve tries to broach the subject. it ends with steve's back hitting the wall, and not in a good way.

eddie immediately apologizes, promising it'll never happen again. he's done. he doesn't want to lose steve, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep him. steve believes him, sees the regret in his eyes. they make it work. they're happy. they have a good life. but good things can't last forever.

steve gets pregnant, and eddie pretty much instantly freaks out. he keeps a cool face for steve (doesn't want to worry him and put any more stress on him than he's already got) but internally, he's not doing well. he's terrified he's going to fuck everything up and turn out exactly like his dad, an abusive addict who only causes his family pain. and eddie has always had really bad coping skills. no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he doesn't want to, he goes back to using again. it starts with alcohol, but it escalates quickly. his sobriety is down the drain in no time. he starts coming home later, sleeps on the couch most nights under the guise of not wanting to wake steve. he disappears at odd hours with some excuse or another ready on the tip of his tongue the moment steve asks. steve is rightfully suspicious, and finally decides he needs to know the truth.

he pushes. there's an argument, and steve pushes too hard because he's worried about eddie. he's worried that he's using again, and he just wants to know the truth. he knows they can get through it, if only eddie would just talk to him. but he pushes too hard, and eddie snaps. steve's cheek stings as the sharp smack echoes through the living room. eddie stands in silent shock, his hand still raised, eyes wide as if he didn't know that was going to happen. and maybe he didn't. all steve knows is that he can't stay. he doesn't yell. just murmurs a quiet, "okay." and walks away. he locks himself in the bathroom for several minutes, staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror. puffy, bloodshot eyes, tear tracks on his cheeks, and a bright red mark where eddie's hand made contact. outside the door, eddie is knocking and pleading with steve. apologies tumbling from his lips like a prayer.

all steve can think about, though, as he stares at his reflection, is his own mother. how she always stayed, no matter how mean his dad got. how she always forgave him. never left. not once.

steve cannot stand to be like his mother. he won't do it. he has a pup to think about too.

so he quietly packs a bag and leaves. eddie watches from the doorway, knowing there's nothing he can do to stop this. nothing he can possible say or do will make steve stay. all he can do is watch, and hope that steve comes back.

robin is out of town for work, so steve only has one other place to go. he goes to wayne's new apartment, and hesitates before knocking on the door. wayne is eddie's uncle. steve knows wayne loves him just as much as he loves eddie, but he doesn't know how this is going to go. he's scared, and his whole body seems to be moving on autopilot as his brain floats in and out. but wayne opens the door, instantly looking worried and ushering him inside. steve curls up on the couch with a blanket around his shoulders, and he doesn't say a word. all he's said since wayne opened the door was asking if he could stay there for a little while. wayne has no idea what's going on, but he knows in his gut it can't be good.

only minutes after steve arrives, the phone rings. wayne debates on whether or not to answer, sure that nothing could possibly be more important than comforting steve, but steve insists he answers. he knows it's likely eddie. he doesn't want to keep wayne from his nephew. he still loves eddie, despite what's happened. so wayne answers the phone, and sure enough, eddie is instantly babbling through his tears on the other end of the line. it doesn't take wayne long to piece together at least a vague idea of what's happened. he knows steve is upset, and eddie is clearly an apologetic mess about something. he knows his nephew messed up, but he doesn't yet know how. until eddie finally says the words. and wayne is pissed. he simply tells eddie they'll talk about it later and hangs up.

he refuses to enable his nephew's abuse, especially with steve being as pregnant as he is. he loves eddie, but he will not tolerate his actions. he will choose to protect steve and his grandpup every time, because wayne saved eddie from an abusive household, and he will not let eddie repeat that cycle with his own family.

-

i could talk about this idea for HOURS, but this is already long enough, so i'll stop it there. i have so much thought out and plotted for this, even tho i've barely even thought about actually writing it. i could just go on and on. maybe i'll send more thoughts for a future slick sunday, who knows 🤷‍♀️

anyway happy slick sunday lex :)

(i hope you're not too upset about more sad steddie content, because at this point, that's about all my brain thinks about when i'm preparing for slick sunday. maybe i'll find some happy thoughts to share too. mix it up. we'll see)

no… it’s fine. i’ll just curl up into a ball for a while🥲

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

You know what, fuck it: Baldur's Gate 3 Thoughts.

(The world is so so bad right now, can't even name all the bad things, so fuck it, no more bad feels, just some nice garbage right now)

I really love that the big 3 pairings all kinda arrive together:

Lae'zel and Shadowheart are already trapped on the ship together, like they are both trapped by their beliefs. They both know more about what's happening than anyone else and are also perhaps the most frightened.

Astarion and Gale show up stuck and as potential bait. They're both concealing some pretty big problems. The only way to succeed with them is to trust them despite this. And they both badly need to bond with others so they can survive their ordeals.

Karlach and Wyll actually already have a relationship, just one founded on misunderstanding. They can each empathize with each other in ways the others can't and adjust quickly to thinking of a previous adversary as a friend. They both have so much going on that when they arrive on the Sword Coast, they just resettle into business as usual. They've both been misused by those with control over them and seek to break that control, even if that doesn't fix everything, even if it means more loss.

They're all good ships, I love them. And all the other combos are good too, there are no bad options here, but I'm a bit of a sucker for these. Honestly, really appreciate having an entire party of bisexuals. I love that so much <3

Gale and I are the same person ha ha ha FUCK

I do have fic ideas, potentially for Gale & Astarion and Lae'zel & Shadowheart (spoilers below)

Like, I actually have a lot of feelings about Shadowheart being a complete dick to Lae'zel while she goes through a crisis of faith, only to eat pigeon pie later when she gets a crisis of her own.

And I'm obsessed with the idea of Lae'zel learning how to be comforting as she watches Shadowheart crumble apart, as she loses all sense of identity. Because at least Lae'zel has that. Lae'zel lost a lot in parting from Vlaakith, but she didn't lose who she was. Indeed, she left in defense of who she was, in defense of what she knew to be right. Shadowheart doesn't even have that. And it's a wild thing that comes over you, to feel like you've fucked up and lost and to find someone you can actually help. I think it would be a really cool and beautiful thing to see, Lae'zel helping Shadowheart find the pieces of herself. That would just be really, really good.

And then there's Problematic Old Man Yaoi over here

Maybe what I love best about Gale and Astarion is how much fucking WOULD NOT solve it

Like, some people just need to fuck it out and then it's all good, you fixed the issue

And 100% fucking would not solve their shit. Like, it would help, or it certainly wouldn't not help. But it'd only help like... max 20% The rest has to be solved by Talking, Using Your Words, Talking To Other People No Not The Imaginary Conversations, and Admitting When You're Wrong.

I also love that this is true no matter where you think they get together.

Like, let's take Act I: I cannot IMAGINE how Astarion could talk Gale into bed that early. Gale "Never Nude" Dekarios who's never had a crush on anyone who wasn't Mystra. He'd be shaking and fumbling just trying to ask Astarion on a date. And Mr. Emotionally Available over here, who is not ready to be vulnerable in any sense, who uses sex as a crutch because it's so familiar and so easy to dissociate from... yikes, what a combo. Poor Gale would be sent reeling by the hot-cold of it, he'd act insane those first few days after sex as he tries to make sense of how Astarion said yes to everything, but didn't mean it, but also he did? So should he pursue that or leave it be? Is the best choice to let Astarion thaw in his own good time or obsessively work on cracking this because Astarion clearly needs help and just doesn't want to ask for it? Stupid question, OBVIOUSLY the second! I... instant explosion. God, it would go so bad. Honestly, the good version is Gale resists the invitations and instead Astarion sulks for a few days over his blue balls or just fucks someone else, thus giving Gale a new case of mixed signals to obsess over. Jesus, we're just never going to escape that are we? Wizards gotta fixate.

Act II: In which Astarion chooses to ignore his own problems by instead arguing with Gale about his. Not because he's invested, merely because Gale is clearly being an idiot. Gale at first demurs, refusing to be argued out of his guilt, but then when Astarion becomes more insistent, counters with why Astarion cares so much? This would inevitably erupt in some kind of sexual encounter, but the fighting wouldn't stop because despite getting laid, Gale is still sure he's right and Astarion is still sure he's right. Dick actually can't solve this today. The camp mournful of ever finding a solution, they would like to sleep peacefully again someday.

Act III: Make or break time. Both Gale and Astarion escalate as the threat of death or destruction looms ever nearer. Gale now just as dead set on stopping Astarion from destroying himself as Astarion is on stopping Gale from destroying himself. Same threat, very different outcomes. Gale keeps looking at him with those damn puppy eyes and whining about "he'll regret it instantly" and "hate who he becomes" and "I can't stand to see that happen to you" or whatever. Obnoxious. And Astarion keeps trying to convince him that Mystra was wrong, that she "manipulated and groomed" him and "didn't even give an explanation" which he's owed, or some such nonsense. As if an inhuman, all-powerful goddess was out of line for being afraid of mortal actions... wait, was that a logical inconsistency? Damn. I think Gale would convince Astarion first. I think deep down Astarion would hate to be a full vampire too much, I think they both know it, and when Gale promises to stand by him, to take care of him, to always protect him... As much as Astarion doesn't want to trust, knows he's a fool for trusting, he agrees. He won't do it. He won't take the power. Because, damn him, he believes Gale. And what would suck is Gale would go "Cool! I'mma become a god, I can protect you way better then!" like entirely missing the point. And Astarion would be galled, deservedly so, by the hypocrisy. But Gale's so caught up in how sure he's right and how sure he's wrong, he's not even listening. I think it'd piss Astarion off so much, he'd convince the whole camp to kidnap Gale so he can't go sacrifice himself, full "He won't get the chance to kill himself because I'll do it first!" Until we finally get to the Nether Brain and... Astarion lets him go. Because that's the point. Trust isn't real if there isn't a choice. And as much as he hates the fact that Gale might choose what he doesn't want, he has to let him do it on his own. And I think that'd finally break through. That simple act of trust and sacrifice and playing willing to lose would finally make Gale go "Oh... oh god, what was I thinking? This isn't right." The fact that Astarion loves him more for the flawed and fallible person he is than for the heartless god he could become... That would finally make Gale see, Mystra was wrong all along and she never loved you because she can't really love. Not like that. Yeah. That's a personal favorite of mine.

But there's also a lot to be said for post-end, Astarion with nowhere to go and Gale going "You know... I've heard of spells that allow creatures form the Underdark to safely experience sunlight. We could try some of those, I don't see why they shouldn't work on you." and Astarion being floored and not even having the words for everything he feels at that offer. And then the raw sexual tension of living in his tower together as "friends" as Astarion mercilessly pines and Gale blissfully carries on, unaware until Tara finally goes "That's it! I can't take it any more! I'm going to live with your mother until you two sort this out!" and flies off. Leaving Gale to go "Huh... wonder what she meant by that?" Meanwhile, Astarion can hardly stand to be in the same room with Gale because he ends up basically drooling and yet, he can hardly stay away, staring obsessively from the shadows, creeping around wherever he is, looking exactly like the jealous lover he longs to be. Also, Astarion and Gale's mother! Oh, I can't wait! Too funny!

Oh, tower days with Astarion would be so good as he tries to adjust to having a life again. A slow, painful process, but very deserved. He'd need an occupation, he can't have nothing to do. Maybe he can look into magistrating again?

Anyway, there's some thoughts. I haven't finished Act III yet, but I'm close so I guess careful with those Act III spoilers.

Also, for anyone still reading, if you want to do me a solid: There exists somewhere a Bloodweave fic where Astarion walks in on Gale with a construct of himself only there's a twist... and the author is Very Correct about this twist. if you know, you know. But I can't find this fic anywhere! Please help a girl out if you've read the one I'm thinking of.

[soitbe-soitis]

pls write roman roy smut idm what u write abt it just let ur mind run wild 💗

Intimacy of all kinds with Roman is a highly complicated affair. This isn't a secret, it's literally canon. On one hand, he desires closeness so desperately, but he's so scared of letting his walls down; I feel like it would take a very, very long time for him to let you in, even if you've been in a relationship for a while.

Actual penetrative sex is probably a no-go. At least not for a looooong time. Maybe someday. But for now, you're content to take what he is ready to give you; he appreciates your understanding - nobody's ever really got it. But you do, you get it, and he's beyond grateful.

I feel like the first time you're intimate together, it's probably some form of mutual masturbation.

You're in your room together, and he makes some offhanded sexual comment that was probably supposed to be a joke, but the tension in the room is palpable.

I'm a firm believer that though he's reluctant to accept affection, he's a big fan of kissing. So one thing leads to another, and you're making out - this is the furthest you've ever gotten with him, and you're drinking in every bit of it.

The way he makes soft noises when you nip at his bottom lip, leans into your touch when one of your hands comes to tangle in his hair. He's touchstarved, plain and simple, even if he denies it, even if he refuses to let himself indulge that side of him usually.

Your hands drift to the buttons of his dress shirt, and he politely sets a boundary. You totally understand, you back off.

"But we could like, you know..."

You have to make sure he's 100% sure; consent is so extremely important, and Roman is known to make impulsive decisions because he thinks they'll appease people. But once you've got confirmation that he's serious, that's all the encouragement that you need.

Pants are sloppily discarded on the plush carpet of your bedroom. His boxers join your underthings.

He holds your hand while you both take care of yourselves, but he can't look at you - though he wants to, he really does. But you understand. Baby steps.

You can't help but glance over at him, and he looks positively angelic like this - head tilted back against the pillows, eyes lightly shut, lips parted with heavy breath as he strokes himself. You can't help but think to yourself that the sight before you would have been worth waiting for no matter how long it took.

You squeeze his hand, and he drags his bottom lip between his teeth, a low moan bubbling up from his throat.

It's over far too quickly; you reach your peak, and the noises you're making are enough to push him over the edge too, spilling over his chest and stomach.

You both lay there for a long moment, staring up at the ceiling, chests heaving, fingers intertwined.

You're worried you've done something wrong when he wordlessly gets up and leaves the room, but he comes back a few minutes later, cleaned up, with a towel for you to do the same.

Once you're both clean, he lays back down with you. You think that'll be it for the night, that you won't say a word and that you'll go to sleep, but then he's pulling you against him, arms wrapping around you, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to. The intimacy of it all makes your heart swell - the fact that he trusted you enough to go this far, that he didn't run when it was all said and done.

You loved him more than you could put into words, but somehow, deep down, you knew that he knew.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

what if the tf2 mercs went to see Barbie? Ik its not relevant right now but this is critical information to tf2 lore and I'd love to see your take on it

TF2 Mercs Go To The ✨️Barbie✨️ Movie!

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Who cares if this is like two months late, I certainly don't. You're right it is critical lore and, dare I say I'd be wrong not to speak my truth on how these grown adults show up to the Barbie movie.

Mutual appreciation comment: You're so cool and silly for being a mutual, love you for that 💖

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Normally, I'd write a prompt like this merc by merc. Not today, these guys are all going together, this is getting written like the amusement park and beach headcanons.

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No spoilers! I think? I mean everyone's probably seen the movie, but still I tried to keep this spoiler free!

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So to start, we have various reactions.

Medic, Pyro, and Engie are the only ones outwardly and inwardly excited. Like we'll get to the dress-up shenanigans in a minute but these guys are hyped. Medic and Pyro more so than Engie, he's only excited because he's never seen Pyro this excited.

Heavy and Sniper both don't particularly care, but Heavy is more happy to go just to hang out with everyone.

Solider and Demo wanted to go to Oppenheimer, and the other mercs told them the Barbie movie was Oppenheimer. Hilarity ensues. (More on this later.) I'm also half kidding, these guys wouldn't complain about going to Barbie, they just also wanted to see Oppenheimer.

Spy and Scout are secretly so fucking excited for this movie. But outwardly hate the idea or complain about it. Oh, it's a girly movie for little kids? Okay Scout, keep saying that while you find some thinly veiled excuse to dress up for the movie. This is a waste of time and money? Sure Spy, keep telling yourself that while you pick out your outfit, I'm sure you just so happened to have a pink dress, like everyone else so obviously does.

————————————————————

My Everyone's favorite part! Dress up time!

Don't get me started on Medic. He was prepared weeks in advance. Bedazzled his boots and gloves, found an extra lab coat, and dyed it neon pink. Ordered a boa and everything. He went all out and killed.

Pyro and Engie don't dress up nearly as much, but they both still dress up! Pyro finds anything pink they can, and even has Medic help with bedazzling. Engie finds one single pink shirt, and decides to call that good, but then is promptly drug off by both Medic and Pyro to help him come up with a better outfit.

Heavy and Sniper are quickly descended upon by Medic and Pyro. These two are hellbent on dressing everyone up. Pyro's busy covering Sniper with pink glitter while Medic's trying to convince Heavy that the bedazzling gun is safe to use on skin! (It's not). Both Sniper and Heavy feel deeply changed after their time with Pyro and Medic.

NOW HEAR ME OUT. Demo and Soldier would dress up in a full Barbie outfit for fun, and I'm willing to die on that hill. Like you do not have to convince them to put on something pink and sparkly, they would do that for laughs/fun. Demo is more to do it for a laugh, and Soldier is the type to do it because he likes having fun and being pretty :,) They are the only two to not be accosted by Medic and Pyro that night.

Scout is getting ready and he's so hyped, like this man has an entire outfit planned, but he's got to play it cool, you know. He spends at least an hour going in and out of his room, pretending he can't find anything and pretending to borrow things from the other mercs, until he finally gets cornered by Pyro, and dragged off to the lab for his Barbie movie makeover, complaining the entire way. (He wanted this outcome).

I'm so glad that I started writing this post-Spy Dress. I needed validation that he serves, slays, whatever, just fucking rocks a dress. Wears a pink dress 100% No question. Sequence, lace, boas, hot pink boots, it's so over the top but it's amazing. Medic just rolls his eyes when Spy claims he just had it lying around.

————————————————————

Movie reactions!

Medic had so much fun oh my god. He was so enamored with the movie. Could, and would rant for hours about this movie if you gave him the chance. Didn't cry like most of the others, but he still genuinely loves the message and just everything about this movie! See's Scout crying and immediately rushes up to half comfort him and half use this as an opportunity to rant, "Well, Scout you see, zhis movie is supposed to make you cry, because if you look at ze-" type vibes

Pyro didn't really pay attention to the other themes, was just obsessed with the pink, glitter, anything Barbie and happy was all they focused on. Ask them about the movie afterwards and they'll just make happy noises and try and explain what they thought of the movie through muffled noises. It's clear they loved it though.

Engie was entertained by the movie enough, he got the message and really liked the music. He's just so happy to see Pyro and Scout having a good time, is a little worried about the other team members sobbing, but he tries his best to comfort them while having a very excited Pyro ranting something he can't understand.

Heavy cried. No doubt in my mind. Also loved just having a good time and being with the other mercs and just. Had to listen to Medic ramble for weeks afterwards but didn't care, was just happy his friend's all had a good time.

Sniper's reaction was to be expected. Indifference, got why everyone was hyped about the movie, he thought it was an alright movie and he wouldn't be opposed to going again, but enjoyed being out more than being at a movie.

Demo was told this was Oppenheimer and rolled his eyes, but he did keep hearing explosions from Oppenheimer playing next door and was so confused. He was hyped the first time thinking Barbie was about to get violent, but then realized where it was coming from, took a swig of his drink and settled back down to watch the rest of the movie. He didn't hate it, didn't love it. Had more fun getting ready.

Soldier was told this was Oppenheimer and believed it. The fact that you could hear explosions was also helping the other mercs case of genuinely trying to convince him it was Oppenheimer. I wish I could say he bought it and was totally fooled into watching Barbie under the guise of it being a totally differently movie but honestly I think it's funnier to have him pretend that the other mercs really got him when this man knows more about American history than anyone else here. Makes a joke about Oppenheimer being a very beautiful woman, and freaks the other mercs out a little bit.

Scout will have you wondering, can a two hour movie really help you work through all your internalized issues? For Scout it can! He went from being woefully misinformed on the way women are treated, (Not on purpose/with hate but just with that whiteboy has never seen the effect society has on women.) to crying in the first half an hour and changing his entire out look on things. It's one of his favorite movie now, he is no longer afraid of admitting that.

Spy is not crying, fuck off. He's just so bored that's why his eyes are watering. Man is sobbing. He loves this movie. Not that he will ever admit that. Loved the soundtrack most. He also had to try and fix his makeup (yes he wore makeup, I'll die on this hill.) in a dark theater so no one would know he was crying, and I think that's really funny.

————————————————————

Bonus! Favorite Songs! (I listened to all the songs on the playlist to do this. I felt glitter melting from my ears, (/hj) you're welcome &lt;3

Medic- Dance The Night. PLEASE HE WOULD SLAY DANCING TO THIS! DANCE WITH HIM! He's so silly, he want's to just have fun dancing to the entire soundtrack but this song in particular. You will hear this song blasting from the lab at least twice a day for about a month. (No this headcanons isn't based on the fact that this is one of my favorite Barbie songs).

Pyro- Speed Drive. I like the idea that Pyro just really likes upbeat music. This song makes me feel like I just did a line of coke so I'm assuming that they'd feel the same way, and they love that feeling! They also like songs with a lot of reptation so they can remember it better. ALSO,

"She my best friend in the whole world

On the mood board, she's the inspo

And she dressed in really cute clothes

Kawaii like we're in Tokyo

Devon Lee smile, teeth a white row

Got a classic, real deep, Van Gogh

She got loyalty, she says, "I love you, girl"

I love her more"

They sing that either out loud in a muffled voice or think it in their head about Engie, All. The. Time. They're besties yk?

Engie- Hey Blondie. Please, I'm sobbing. He thinks this song is so cute. He loves how sweet it is. He just immediately loves everything about it. Plays this so much when he's working, sings it a lot without noticing.

Heavy- Journey To The Real World. Honestly? He just really likes mostly instrumental music, and he also just likes short songs! I think he just likes the spacy vibe of this song.

Sniper- Forever & Again. Not going to lie. He was half paying attention to the movie and then this song dropped and it hit him like a ton of bricks for no reason. He was just super chill and then BOOM. Immediately having a silent sob/crisis. (He's okay, Scout comforted him, Scout was also crying too at this point).

Demo- Barbie Dream. He's not ashamed. He loves it. It's fun, it's silly, he's fun, he's silly. They we're made for each other. Likes the simplicity of the song. Hated how it got stuck in his head.

Soldier- Choose Your Fighter. I can't express how much I think this man would love Ava Max. Like it's insane. But that's also not the main reason. He likes how upbeat it is, and how confident it makes him feel. Like you can't tell me he didn't hype himself up with this song after the movie.

Scout- I'm so torn on this one, like I feel like he'd belt I'm Just Ken, but also, like I can imagine him also singing Barbie Girl, BUT THEN ALSO MAN I AM???? He likes the entire playlist. He liked everything, the movie, the soundtrack, this movie has him in a chokehold.

Spy- What Was I Made For? SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP. I honestly don't think I can let this man be happy in my headcanons😭But that doesn't matter! I heard this song and was like, oh yeah Spy from TF2 vibes hit hard with this song. Nobody else knew what I was talking about lmao.

————————————————————

Ah! This was super fun to write, but it took me so long to write for some reason, (I've been putting off real-life work.) But that's neither here nor there. Also I had this finished, and then went, Oh! I should add their favorite songs, and it took another hour.

(I did a word count for fun, 1766 words, only counting the actual headcanons and not the preface and what I'm writing here and now. Also in times new roman, 12 point font, and double spaced this takes up 6 pages 😭)

[trentonsimblr]

Previous-beginning-Next

Post 2 of 2 for today!

AN: The dialogue and the poses for this post were a HUGE labor of love by @ardeney-sims . All I can say to her is thank you and you knocked it out of the park!!!

P.S The transcript is below the cut!

B: Um, hey.

V: …

B: Your cousin… she, um… she said you’d be out here. 

V: …

B: Is it okay if I sit beside you?

V: Sure.

V: If you were trying to hurt me or get back at me for ghosting you for a week by ghosting me for a little over a month, you were very successful.

B: I… I wasn't trying to get back at you.

V: Could have fooled me.

B: You could have always messaged me, you know.

V: I had no courage left in me after how we left things. It was all used up when I was trying to explain myself to you.

B: Why would you need to build up the courage to message me?

V: Because you seemed upset with me when you left the call and it made me nervous and scared to reach out.

B: I wasn't upset with you. I just needed some time.

V: When I didn’t hear back from you after you said you’d message me later, it felt like our friendship was just… over.

B: It was never over. Not even for a second.

V: It really felt like it though.

B: Why won't you look at me?

V: I’m overwhelmed and not sure that I'm ready to face the reality of the situation. If I don't see your face and I just listen to your voice, I hear my friend from the forums and that’s comforting to me. But if I see your face and still hear that same voice… I don’t know.

B: I'm still the same person though.

V: I know that, but I just… need a minute.

B: Of course. I’m sorry.

V: Don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong.

B: Haven’t I? I keep doing things that seem to upset you or hurt you or make you sad and I don't like making you sad. There is nothing worse than seeing someone you love in pain while also knowing that you're the reason behind it. 

V: Blaze. Look at me. None of this is on you. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one at fault because it's MY emotional baggage that got us here in the first place. I don't want you to feel bad for things that were entirely out of your control. I was wrong about you and I am so incredibly sorry for how I've treated you both on and offline. I can definitely understand why you were so adamant about not video chatting with me.

B: I’m sorry about that… I know it upset you.

V: It did, I won’t lie. And while I'm sure at first it was in the interest of basic internet safety considering who you are, after my whole tirade about you… I get why you never wanted me finding out. I… I didn't make you feel safe anymore. I can only blame myself for that.

B: I just… I couldn’t risk losing our friendship and then having you hate me even more. I didn’t want to lie to you but I also didn’t know how I could tell you the truth? Because hearing that story and everything you said about me… it hurt a lot. 

V: And I am so incredibly sorry for it all. You didn’t deserve it. I was such a huge bitch who called you all kinds of horrible things and put you in a place where you couldn’t properly defend yourself. I know I can’t take it back but, if I could, I swear I’d do it in a heartbeat. 

B: Do you still see me in that light?

V: Not at all. Remember that conversation we had a few days later where I told you that you were right about my anger clouding my judgment? 

B: Yeah, I remember. 

V: That’s what got me to change my mind. You were the first person who challenged my version of events. Sure, I was a little annoyed at first, but because you’re someone I care about and I care about the things you say, I felt like I should at least try to see it from your point of view. 

B: And when you did? 

V: When I did, I realized that I was 100% keeping this grudge because I could. I’ve been really shitty to you Blaze and I really am sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me.

B: Of course I do. Honestly, Vanessa, you could punch me in the face and kick me in the chest and I'd still forgive you.

V: Rest assured I won't be trying either. Friends don't give friends black eyes. Or a pneumothorax, for that matter.

B: But drugging and assault is fine?

V: Don’t start with that! Are you ever going to let me live that down?!

B:  Never. 

V: I’ve missed talking to you so much.

B: Likewise.

V: I swear, my therapist is going to have a field day once I tell her about this trip...

B: Therapist? Have you always been seeing a therapist?

V: No, that’s new. And how I got there and how it’s going is a long ass story in and of itself.

B: I mean… we’ve still got time before the party if you want to talk about it. V: And completely deplete my mental and social battery before I have to interact with people????? Hell no.

[sarah-sandwich-writes]

20 Questions - Fanfic Writer Edition

I was tagged by both @writer-or-whatever and @jmrothwell so I suppose I better do it 😅 Thanks guys!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 42 (*gasp* am I Miles Morales?)

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 1,265,660 lol

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently just Spider-Man but I used to write for Supernatural and before that Harry Potter. I'm a one obsession at a time kinda girl.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) - 72k spideypool soulmates au

Don't Freak Out - 136k parkner rivals to lovers speedrun

A Peach Like You - 73k parkner featuring autistic!peter, loveatfirstsight!harley, and a cringe self insert as the villain of the week lmao

The Distance Between (You and Me) - 29k parkner bodyguard au

You're Freaking Out - 166k sequel to DFO featuring plot (wow!) and Miles (yay!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

My dudes I try. I know I'm not very consistent and I have a tendency to disappear for months at a time, but I read and cherish each one.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do angsty endings lol I think the closest I've gotten is Lay Me Down - 8k destiel major character death--lowest kudosed fic out of all 42 lmao

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is an impossible question. I am like the queen of happy endings? You want me to rank them??? Fine, it's You're Freaking Out. Best 10k epilogue in the land. Oh hey also I just noticed it has 997 kudos. May I humbly request 3 more pretty please?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No. Closest was when someone complained on one of my destiel fics about the grocery store not having plastic bags and needing a quarter in order to obtain a cart. I specifically remember they said, "I hate when writers do this," and went on to complain about us making up obviously fake stuff that pulls them out of the story. Like, first of all you're complaining about storytellers making stuff up ??? okay. And second, it was an Aldi. A real grocery store. That I didn't make up.

I had to take a day to cool off before I responded and then they were like oh yeah, my roommate told me when I complained to them, you responded to this really nicely though! WHICH folks LET ME TELL YOU made me angrier lol Like you found out you were wrong and didn't even come back to edit/delete/apologize for your comment???

Anyway after that I internalized that you don't know what kind of lived experience your commenters have so some comments should be taken with a grain of salt. Which is a double-edged sword bc sometimes I get really nice enthusiastic comments and read it like, okay but what if this person is 12 and read it at 2am in a fit of delirium and this is their first fic ever and it's actually not as good as they think haha

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I doooo. I haven't published any since I wrote for spn but I have a parkner pwp ready to go as soon as I muster up the nerve.

I have no idea how to interpret the question "what kind" lol uhhh the hot kind? pffft

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have but I never published them. Again, these were for spn which is hella fun to play with merging into other canon. I started but never finished spn crossovers with Firefly, The 100, The Hunger Games, Criminal Minds, Agents of Shield, and Teen Wolf. I think that's all of them. I've been thinking about putting all of my abandoned wips on AO3 for archive purposes, but idk still noodling on it. I wish there way a way I could elect to post without notifying my subscribers :/ Or at least send them a message warning them that I'm about to be incredibly annoying

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of 🙃

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!! A few now! The ultimate kudo in my opinion, and one I never expected <3

The wonderful @bluettspetal has translated An Insignificant Problem, Undercover? I thought you said under covers..., and Completely and utterly devoid of sex appeal into Russian with plans to translate more.

And Faaayeee42 on AO3 translated Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) to Mandarin Chinese.

I'm forever blown away by this.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Done some brainstorming a few times but nothing that has evolved into actually writing out a shared thing. Not sure I'd be any good at it tbh. I'd probably be a very frustrating writing partner.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Peter Parker/Harley Keener. They're good boys.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My Infinity War time travel fix it (make it worse) fic 😔 It's got so much potential but it is perpetually at the bottom of the to-do list.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and developing relationships

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

mother fucking action sequences and like, coming up with The Plan (the evil kind and the ones to take down the evil kind)

This silly little graphic I made for You're Freaking Out where Harley mocks The Plan made by the spider dumplin gang was initially one half of my brain negging the other half about being shit at making Plans and I decided that it might as well manifest as the characters lmao

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Eh. It's fanfiction, you know? Do what you want. Experiment. Try your best to do it justice. Accept that some people are going to let their eyes blur and skim over it while others will pick it apart but most will exist somewhere in the middle. Just write what you want to write, how you want to write it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

*sigh* Harry Potter. Looking forward to my own post getting gobbled up by my block list lmao

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Goodness gracious how do I even decide? I think Peaches Ain't Pretty is my favorite. It's the fic that showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can step outside of fanfiction and write whatever I want and be just as satisfied, if not more.

[burst-of-iridescent]

Oh, thank you, my day is good, but after your message it got even better! I really found solace on Tumblr, which I could not find either in these terrible comics or in LOTR. To be honest, I hardly mastered the latter at all, literally forcing myself to watch series after series, searching in vain for the former depth of characters and conflict. In my opinion, LOTR is a complete failure on all fronts, with the exception of high-quality drawing. If it's about comics, it's an illogical development of events, which, unfortunately, is laid down in the last series. I wanted to ask you -how do you feel about Ursa's line? I was offended by her decision to leave the children (of course, it happened against her will, but still -to change her face and personality, forget about her beloved son and lead a happy life with an old lover?! Don't get it wrong, a woman should suffer for the rest of her days because of a failed marriage, she should not give up happiness if fate sends. But in the context of this story, in your opinion, does it not look like a betrayal, first of all of herself (Ursa?), and of course her children. She couldn't help but understand what kind of hell they got into, first of all the son, after her disappearance. And if you also disagree with this "canon", what would you see the fate of Zuko and Azula's mother? (sorry for such a long letter!)

hi again! thank you, you're so sweet!

i 100% feel you on both LOK (i'm guessing LOTR is a typo?) and the comics. it's so disappointing because both the show and the comics have some great conceptual ideas, and in the hands of competent writers, could've been excellent continuations of ATLA and worthwhile successors... but instead we got a flaming pile of garbage that deserves to be at the bottom of the sea.

the search isn't the worst atla comic imo (that honour goes to the promise) but it's definitely doing its damn best to earn that spot. i hate so many things about that comic: the outdated, insulting depictions of mental illness and mental healthcare in azula's story, zuko getting a "replacement sister" in kiyi as a fix-it bandaid, the fact that it becomes a whole gaang adventure when the correct narrative choice would've been for zuko and katara (and maybe azula at most) to take this trip together as a full circle from the southern raiders, katara and sokka's only role in the story being to foil zuko and azula and nothing else, and of course... the complete annihilation of everything ursa's character was set up to be in atla.

i agree with you that it is very much a betrayal of ursa's character for her to willingly lose her memories. she knows she's leaving her children in the hands of a dangerous abuser, one who's already molding her daughter into a lethal weapon and was fully ready to murder her son, who has proven his willingness to sacrifice his children without hesitation if it benefits him. but despite this, despite the fact that she committed murder, accepted exile and even risked her life (for she had no way of knowing if ozai would simply let her leave peacefully) to protect her child... suddenly she's willing to throw all of that away and fuck off with her childhood lover at the first opportunity?

it baffles me why bryke didn't at least make ursa's memory loss an accident, which would've both explained her absence and why she never went to look for her children without committing character assassination in the process - but that's probably expecting too much logical writing from those two.

i'm actually planning a post-canon book 4 zutara fic that would include a rewrite of the search, where ursa didn't just fuck off to do nothing, but actually had a redemption arc very similar to zuko's after secretly fleeing to live in the earth kingdom and seeing the damage the war had done. she takes it upon herself to right the fire nation's wrongs, and grows particularly invested in air nomad culture, seeing it as her duty to try and bring back some of what the genocide had destroyed. shortly before zuko's banishment she sets out to find the remnants of a people long believed to be gone - and finds that maybe they're not entirely gone after all.

i won't spoil the rest, but i think it'll both explain why ursa never went back for zuko and azula while still giving her a meaningful story that didn't involve just swapping one family for another. if only we'd gotten something similar in the comics but alas... bryke gonna bryke.

thanks for the ask! no worries about it being long, i thoroughly enjoy reading your thoughts <3

[misssugarpinkshome]

Author Update!

Boy oh Boy have I got a story for you.

[Stares in November] I bet you're wondering how I got here! Well-

(TW: Abuse, Sui, Health Scares, Unsanitary Shit, and a lot -- I MEAN A LOT -- of stress and trauma.)

JULY

The Pink Eye curse (thankfully) ended

Not sure if the ringworm went away?

Electric will be starting soon on the house! It'll be estimated to cost fourty fucking grand, but... at least our house won't catch on fire?

EMDR goes super well and genuinely I'm really happy I started doing it.

My friends started up a discourse server with me. This can't go wrong, can it?

By the way, a user in June posted this huge callout post that ended up with my friend in the hospital for watch. I wrote up a huge post in response of "please fucking stop." Drama Ensues but I sort of ignore it all because I'm trying to discourse less.

AUGUST

Electric will be starting soon!

Wait

ELECTRIC WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LO-

We go camping!!! Try not to think about it!!! Get bitten to hell and back by mosquitoes, which you're allergic to-

Anyways, school started! Did I mention they decided to tell us about two weeks before school started that we have an entirely new rubric scale which makes it so kids cannot earn an A unless they get a 100%

[Screaming]

I am BOMBARDED with shitty parent emails about how I'm an absolute failure at my job and how the kids deserve better :')

I try my best to combat this and fail.

EMDR continues to go well for about a week into the school year, and then I am far, far too stressed out to continue it. Sigh...

Electric starts to wrap up 3/4s of the way through August (a month after they said they would be done), so we start finally plastering the walls of the house, because the walls need replastering.

I am... terrified of being on ladders, so I instead work on paint stripping the fireplace that the previous owners painted white for no reason.

I am undergoing a severe traumaversery while this all happens, as last year, I cut off my family.

We buy a new shower, because the house needs a replacement. That's 20 grand.

We discover more and more wrong with the house, but we do our best regardless. Our friends help us regrade the soil, which is mandatory if we don't want our basement to be flooded.

At this point, every single weekend is spent on housework entirely, either on our new house or on trying to maintain our basement apartment.

The basement apartment floods.

Twice.

My roommate's friend commits suicide. Me and my fiance try to comfort her as best we can, but we are both tapped out emotionally, and there's nothing much we can do.

My friend messages me a suicide note while I'm asleep.

SEPTEMBER

My friend reaches out around the third that they aren't dead, and are in medical care. I pray to god they will be safe.

School continues to be stressful. I am ready to break under the pressure almost immediately. I'm not proud to say I took it out on the kids a bit, who deserved far better than my anger. None of them seem upset by my yelling anymore now, but I really don't like who I became this month.

My school discriminates against me. I am asked to stop using my pronouns publicly; using they/them and going by Mx. is fine, but I can't change pronouns. It's "too confusing for concrete thinkers." I go to my union rep in tears and break down.

This cascades into a lawsuit that I am not part of. I have no idea what's happening. I am hardly communicated with. I am so so scared.

We prepare for Renn Faire. A mouse has shat and pissed through most of my partner's vintage Renn Faire outfits, which have molded due to the basement flooding.

We go to the Renn Faire and have a fucking amazing time. It's a much, much needed de-stresser.

I am sick immediately after Renn Faire, praying it's not Covid the entire time. (It wasn't -- it was from the mold and dust).

I try my best to celebrate my birthday week.

I have a flat tire.

My spare is flat.

My mother reaches out to me via my work email. It's gaslighting, it's manipulative, and it's trying to get me to open back contact. I delete the message and go to my administration to let them know to please give any gifts that come for me to the front office staff.

I speak to IT about how to block my mother's email.

I am horrifically retraumatized and embarrassed by all of this. The nightmares this month were horrible.

I have a flat tire still. It takes four days to fix said flat tire.

We have a timed mental breakdown at work, because we cannot spend more than 2 minutes crying, we have students coming to class.

Right after this, we need to replace my partner's brakes.

Right after this, we need to work out my partner's tire-light being fucked. By now, the people at Mr. Tire know us on sight.

There is an infestation of mosquitoes at my house. At my basement apartment AND my house. I am dying nightly from mosquito bite allergy. I double dose medications to combat it.

I called insurance and did adult things, the first big thing I felt that was praiseworthy in months.

Have to unfollow a LOT of people due to ridiculous amounts of antisemitism.

Our landlords awkwardly ask when we'll be moving out. We let them know an update on our progress on fixing up the house, with plastering going slower than we'd hoped. They drop on us that they want us out by Thanksgiving. We are given a month of warning.

OCTOBER HELL

Every single waking moment is now moving our things from our basement apartment into our house, and trying desperately to finish plastering before we move in.

My physical health starts failing because I'm breathing in dust, mold, plaster, and other hazardous materials, because we no longer have the luxury of time to be safe.

My therapist tells me I need to take off days in October because, and I quote, "I don't think you'll survive until the end of the month." I respond back that I can't, because if I take off, I will be in a worse position at work, which will make me kill myself. He agrees to compromise with me and I'll take time off in November.

I split a new alter due to the severe stress I am experiencing. I now am up to 15 parts.

The discourse server is going poorly because one of the users seems to think I accused them of Heinous Horrible Things. This did not happen. They leave the server and vaguepost about me and block me on every single blog I have. Impressive!

Other than that, the discourse server is my friends, I love them a lot and we talk about a lot of stuff beyond discourse. It's nice.

I start getting chronic migraines.

I start a bracket blog. Because I need to cope. Poorly.

Somewhere this month, my cat catches a mouse. I don't remember when. It's a stressful day. It takes 2 hours to catch the mouse.

I tell my supervisors, when they ask me how I'm doing, that I have to take mandatory mental health leave because of the god awful curriculum they've given us to implement. I spit their words back at them. They are... shocked, to say the least. I don't care. What will they do, fire me?

We hire a moving van. It is not in the place it should be. We go to three other locations to find our moving van. It costs double what it should've.

We move things into our house. It is very upsetting, because the house is not done. It takes us all day. Not everything is moved yet.

Discourse picks up. It's very upsetting. My friends are nice though.

NOVEMBER

Our landlords ask my fiance's mom if they can borrow her van to move our things into our house. As in, without consulting us. I experience homicidal rage over this that I work to quell.

Nothing gets easier.

I start NaNo. It is the only thing bringing me joy. We have no internet at home, so I start going to the library.

Library also brings me joy. Things are looking up.

I take off the 6th and 7th for mental health.

Election(tm)

At 9:30am, my fiance's mom shows up on the 6th to move more things into the house. She stays until 5pm. I do not get a mental health break. I get to clean my house. I break down three times, sobbing, begging audibly for the world to give me SOMETHING.

Our internet cables were cut so we won't have internet for a week or so longer.

Remember that person I mentioned who dropped a callout post? Yeah, well, they're now PISSED that my friend allowed me to call them out for it, as well as some other stuff my friend did. So now they are harassing me and my friend and posting slander about us.

My partner's laptop screen completely broke for no apparent reason, and mine is making a HORRIFIC sound suddenly.

So, in short

That isn't even fucking everything!!! That's just the shit I COULD REMEMBER. I didn't include my therapist switching offices and the anxiety that brought, or the paranoia, or the nightmare I had last night that brought back MORE TRAUMA.

I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH HELL YALL.

Posting this chapter, to me, is a sign. It's a sign of things getting better. GOD I need it to get better.

The next chapter is already 3k words long. I'm hoping to churn out more soon. But thank you so much for your patience while we went through... all that.

I love you all.

Thank you <3

[krikeymate]

You remember how you told us that you laugh when you're in pain? It's a natural reaction to pain or trauma (laughing in shock). Lots of people do it.

Sooo... people say that Tara laughs/smiles after stabbing Ethan and that it proves that she enjoys the killing, too. To me, it doesn't look like enjoyment or amusement AT ALL. It's relief. It's shock. It's trauma. It's completely different from Sam's tiny smiles.

Sam's smiles convey dominance. They're unnerving. Almost maniacal. Tara just looks like she's smiling because the alternative would be sobbing hysterically. Tara might be fine with Sam killing people but I don't think she'd ever willingly kill anybody, and she definitely wouldn't find enjoyment in it. That's why I don't think Ghostface-Tara will happen, whereas I can definitely see Ghostface-Sam happening.

I feel like Tara really just wants to live a normal life. Sam wants that too, but she does have that darkness inside of her, and sometimes she really has to fight against it. Like, I believe (or I hope) that most people don't think about killing people - not even when they're super mad or disappointed or something. But for Sam, I feel like her brain would immediately go to 'I could just kill them' - and she means it! - if someone's messing with her or - especially - the people she loves, and she has to remind herself that that's not a normal response. You know what I mean?

In canon, I believe Tara doesn't really have an ounce of evil in her. At least not more than any other person on earth. She does have a very good survival instinct, though (mostly, maybe not in that Chad scene where tiny Tara wanted to fight 2 Ghostfaces without hesitation or in the party scene, where she was ready to willingly go upstairs with that douche). She's acting on pure instinct and adrenaline in most of her scenes in both movies. She's just trying to survive. Sam's also just trying to survive (and protect) BUT she does seem to find some sort of enjoyment once she gains the upper hand. There definitely is some evil slumbering within her.

So yeah, I feel like more people seem to expect Tara to become Ghostface eventually, and it doesn't make sense to me at all. Like, there's basically nothing in canon that would lead to that. She completely accepts Sam, yes. All of her. She fully embraces every part of her sister, without a single trace of judgment (as seen in Bailey's death scene). But to me, that's just a little sister thing. Sam's the coolest person on earth to Tara, and she can't do wrong in Tara's eyes. It's sort of infantile because most kids outgrow that phase sooner rather than later - but Tara obviously hasn't, which might be a childhood trauma thing.

So yeah, I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it - if you feel like replying! I'm definitely open to changing my mind :)

Oh 100% Tara's laughing is because the alternative is crying. She's traumatised and it's this moment of relief that she's still alive and she's beaten him and she's won.

I think a lot of people have jumped on Tara should/will become Ghostface because they want a returning survivor to 'go bad', as that's something we haven't seen in the franchise, and although Sam is the obvious answer to that, given the story set out for her, she really can't. She's mentally ill and on antipsychotics, so to make her Ghostface would be a terrible and damaging choice. Plus, her story is about overcoming the darkness. For Tara however, you don't have that, but you can very easily have the opposite happen, a story of succumbing instead. I myself love the concept, although I hold no expectations or allusions that we will get that at all in canon. I also think people are focussing too much on the 1 -> 5, 2 -> 6, 3 -> 7 idea, and think oh Ghostface is going to be a half-sibling, well Sam and Tara are half-siblings. I don't think they're gonna do that.

I don't necessarily think we could get a Tara who is a straight-up killer in the way Sam could become, but she's definitely the type of character who could easily turn into a mastermind figure, if she wanted to. Now, does she want to, no. I do think however that it would be interesting for 7 to play on that, to put both sisters on the edge of becoming what they hate by having them hunting down a Ghostface instead of waiting to be hunted, but ultimately without them actually falling over it. In that movie anyway lol.

I don't think Tara's reaction to stabbing Ethan is what really condemns her however, it's the nod to Sam at the end. She's saying finish it. That act shows there is some darkness inside her, that she's not entirely innocent. If she hadn't done that, Sam would have backed away, and Bailey would have been taken away by the police/paramedics. Maybe he would have died anyway of his wounds, maybe he would have survived, the end result for that doesn't actually matter. Sam put him down, because Tara let her, because Tara wanted her to.

As for what you said about how often people think about killing - I think you might be surprised! It's a very common intrusive thought, the thought of murder or suicide. We have to remember that Sam is mentally ill, and so yes she would have those thoughts of 'I could just kill them', but those would be unwanted intrusive thoughts. The more severe your mental illness, the more severe and frequent those types of thoughts. They can be terrifying to deal with and really mess with the way you interact with others and the world.

If Tara was to go down a darker path, it wouldn't work just from where we leave her in 6. Where we leave her, she's realised she has to get therapy and work through her problems if she wants to keep Sam in her life, and she promises to do so. There is however a lot that can go wrong for her that could push her further into going down that path, as opposed to say, Chad, who I could not see ever doing such a thing, from what we've seen of his character.

[tangledbea]

I know most fandoms like to create ocs that represent the [possible] childern of a certain ship in the movie/game/series and I've seen a few interpretations of what Rapunzel's and Eugene's children would look like, but then I think to myself: "How long would it even take for them to have kids?" or "Would they even want kids?"

Hear me out. Rapunzel wasn't ready to settle down at the start of the series, but over the course of it, she finally became comfortable with herself and the idea of spending life with Eugine in Corona. Some might suggest that she might have a similar experience with the idea of having children. I know Rapunzel likes kids, but I'm not sure if she would be completely up to having her own right away, but likely that she would like to take time to come to terms with it. But this could honestly go both ways with it being right or completely wrong reasoning.

On the other hand, maybe she would be afraid to try and have kids because of what happened to her mother. And this time, there wouldn't be any magical flower to save her or her child. We don't exactly know what happened to Arianna before giving birth to Rapunzel, just that she fell deathly ill. Maybe that's a pregnancy complication that's genetic or something (idk it's a fictional world). That would be a scary implication that I think would discourage a lot of people from having children.

When it comes to Eugene, I think he would be completely up to having kids but if Rapunzel isn't ready he would wait and if there are any risks that could result in Rapunzel's death he would absolutely be against having kids with her.

Adoption is likely if you ask me because of Eugene's past in the orphanage and Rapunzel's kind heart (especially if they decide against having their own children).

I have my own headcanons about their future kids (though I haven't bothered to physically design them), but I feel like both Rapunzel and Eugene would be hesitant about it at first. Neither one of them had good parental figures growing up, and I think they'd both be worried that they wouldn't be any good as parents. I do think they'd get there, eventually, and I definitely headcanon that at least one of their kids is adopted. (However, historically speaking, an adopted child would not be able to inherit the throne, so they would definitely be encouraged/pressured to have their own biological children by society.)

Still, they're both quite young and don't need to start having kids right away. Rapunzel is 21 at the end of the series. I can easily see her wanting to wait at least 10 years, maybe even more like 15, before she's ready for the kids step.

One of the things I like about the episode "You're Kidding Me" is how, at the end, Eugene says, "If we ever do decide to have kids." I 100% agree that that would be his attitude. It's not something he thinks is inevitable, it's not something he's looking to start right away, and he wants them to be on the same page about it before they even start.

[masterwords]

falling away from me

Summary: A re-imagining of the immediate aftermath of 5x09 - 100 with Hotch/Morgan and some hospital times and an IA hearing that isn't absolute cruelty.

Pairing: Hotch/Morgan

Warnings: hospital, injuries, grief...this is the aftermath of "100" so you know it's not a pleasure cruise

Words: 5.6k

Notes: HEY! It's my birthday today, and I decided to be super selfish and write something completely self-indulgent...up to and including naming the Director of the FBI Skinner in honor of my love for X-Files. (Hopefully you didn't have to see the first version of this where I posted the WRONG DRAFT but it's fixed now and I'm a moron. Moving on!)

**

It's funny how quickly a day can get away from you.

Not funny ha ha, no not quite like that. Just...funny. In a different way. When you look back.

But when you're in it...

“You look like hell,” the nurse says, tucking the nasal canal back into place after the third or fourth time he's pulled it loose. He doesn't want it, doesn't think he needs it, but the doctor's orders are all she has to go by and this guy...well he's a wreck. She's not going to chance it. It barely fits up his nose, she's not even sure it helps. This guy's nose is broken in at least two different places, it is a swollen mess of cartilage and tissue that she imagines used to be regal at one point...but now he's breathing through his mouth. Still she sets it back in place and glares at him seriously. Thinks she can intimidate him.

It almost works.

“When can I leave?”

“Let me check on that, okay huh? Keep this in for me please.”

He will. For now. He's too tired, and his shoulders ache. He can't lift his arms again, so he tries to lay there and relax. His mind drifts back to the morning, the moment his alarm went off...he'd already sort of been awake, like always, but the sound of the alarm pulled his eyes open.

Aaron can remember plenty of days he woke up drenched in sweat, the ache of dread in his belly before he even knew what the day would hold. He can place them all by the timid way he went about his business, readying himself for an unpredictable day where the only certainty...or so he thought...was that it would be bad. And sometimes that premonition was right, but usually it was wrong. Mildly correct, maybe, if he wanted to stretch. Every day had its low point after all.

But as he lays in the hospital bed contemplating what possible reason they could have for the nasal canal when his nose barely works at all, he can't remember any remarkable feeling from this morning. Nothing that felt any different than any other day. His alarm went off like always, and he planted both feet flat on the floor. It always takes him a minute now to be ready to stand, his stomach is always sore, always just a little stiff and weak and painful in the morning. It's when he's reminded with the most clarity that he's not well. So he sits there a minute to let his body adjust to being awake. Every day he wakes a little further away from Foyet's attack, but the dawn always reminds him that he has a long way to go no matter how he pretends that he's healed.

Everyone else believes it.

And the minute that movement was granted, he dove into routine. A shower, a shave, plain oatmeal with his coffee. No strange feelings, just the sun creeping through his drawn shades as usual. It always came in the same dashes of faded yellow and gold, dust dancing a ballet in the bright spaces.

He took the train to work. Tonight, if everything went according to plan, would be date night, and on date night he takes the train to work because it's more inconspicuous that way when he goes to Derek's instead of home. In case anyone thought to look. Knowing the people he kept closest, they would. Derek would ride his motorcycle to work on these days and pick him up from a station about halfway there sometime after he'd had a chance to order them each a coffee.

He's not even sure it's a secret anymore, but there is a certain thrill that drives this weekly performance and it makes him feel enough good excitement that he doesn't question the actual need for it.

Routine. Aaron likes routine. He knows it's bad, knows damn well it's bad...in his line of work, especially. More than likely his routine allowed Foyet to find a way into his home and into his life, but he can't just throw caution to the wind and live every single day spontaneously. His life, and more importantly his mind, just isn't designed that way. He can't function without routine. It's the only thing that keeps him here some days.

He blinks and wonders at what point his day went from ordinary to nightmare. There is a lot of blank space in his memory bank between the journal with Carl Arnold and US Marshal Sam Kassmeyer bleeding to death in his living room.

A scene Aaron is a little too familiar with. He remembers looking at Sam and feeling sick, it's beyond empathy...he doesn't just feel it, he knows. He knows exactly. Sam says he doesn't know how Foyet got in, and Aaron knows. He knows. He has four locks on his door now, and an alarm system, because he knows. He never has figured out that riddle and it haunts him every single night.

There is more blank space between the ambulance with Sam and his own hours later.

His mind slows to a crawl around Sam, his missing fingers, his bleeding and swollen features. It's pure horror. Wes Craven would be hard pressed to create something worse that could live in his mind. He sees Sam's ruined hand, bloody and swollen around a glass of beer and a quiet cheers from beyond the veil. “To you and your family,” he seems to say through his ruined pulpy lips. “You'll join me soon won't you?”

It's a hallucination. He knows that, but it's so real, just Sam sitting there in a squeaky vinyl hospital chair bleeding and drinking his foamy beer in the corner beneath the wall mounted television. And then Foyet appears beside him grinning that wicked grin and the heart monitor begins panicking, screaming. “Not real,” he whispers to himself, flexing his bruised and swollen hands. A reminder. His joints are stiff and hurt badly enough that he almost cries out at the sudden movement, but it reminds him of what happened. At least part of it. His hands were broken on Foyet's face. “Not real.” He calms himself just before the nurse enters his room to check for disturbances. This isn't the first time, and she gives him that look that says he needs to calm down.

“Are you sure you wouldn't like something to help you relax?” she asks, though she is glad to see he hasn't taken the canal out again. He's improving. But this isn't the first time she's offered him a sedative. Or even the second. He chews on it for a moment and finally agrees. If whatever she wants to push into his IV will stop him from seeing Sam and Foyet there staring at him, well maybe it's worth it.

“I'll get a doctor to order something just to take the edge off.” He knows what that means, they're going to knock him out. “It sounds like you could be here a while yet. Sleep might help the time pass a little faster.”

While he waits, he's alone with all of these thoughts and the paper thin blanket and the judgmental machines keeping track of all of his vital signs. He toys with the pulse ox on his finger, pressing his finger further in and then sliding it out just enough that it kept reading. He's already learned his lesson there. Slide it out too far and the damn thing screams for a nurse. He doesn't want that lecture again. He's just...restless.

And alone. Lonely. Those are not mutually exclusive, and he's acutely aware of how different they both feel when piled on top of one another.

“I'm fine,” he keeps saying when they ask him how he's feeling. He mumbles it through swollen lips, his jaw stiff, blood crusted in Rorschach designs all over his face, forcing his already unruly hair up into chaotic spikes. One eye has nearly swollen closed, the other doesn't seem far behind, and his nose is definitely broken, he can barely breathe through it. The canal doesn't help. “I need to see my son.”

“Sir, you need to lie back down.”

The worst part is, he's all talk. He really can't do much more than lie down, that's the real joke of it all. He's adamant that he should be let go and yet every minute that ticks by his body settles further and further into a complete state of disarray. He's miserable. They did some x-rays and said some troubling things about his ribs and his tailbone, there is a lot of concern about internal bleeding (given his medical history they keep saying like he's not right there watching them look through his file with horror or pity marring their features)...he knows he's where he should be, but he can't think about anything except Jack. Before they bring him a sedative, he sees Haley join Sam and Foyet in the corner of his room and feels the sting of tears in his eyes. “No,” he whispers and the nurse, pushing tube connectors into place glances down at him like he'd been talking to her. She realizes quickly that he's staring into empty space, into nothing, and continues her task. He'll be asleep in no time, poor thing.

“I need to make a call,” he mumbles before his head lolls to the side and his eyes close. He's trying to fight the cold push of drugs in his vein, there's just no way. It trickles shards of ice, pushes them upstream from the back of his bruised hand through his arm and disperses them from there. He's powerless to stop it. “Please. I need to make a call.” He needs to call Jessica. He tries to say her name, but it doesn't come out. In fact nothing is really coming out right. The nurse tucks his blanket up a little higher to stave off a chill. He's shivering.

She runs into Derek on her way out, he looks like he's in a hurry and she reaches her hand up to slow him down just a touch. “You're here for Mr. Hotchner?”

“Yeah. SSA Derek Morgan, I'm his proxy.” He pauses and remembers to smile, a sweet gesture in trying times. “Is it okay if I go in there?”

“We've just given him a mild sedative, he's been very agitated tonight. He'll probably be asleep for some time but you're welcome to sit with him.”

Derek wonders how much she knows about why he's there, thinks her use of the word agitated is interesting. Yeah, you'd be agitated too if you were in his shoes.

“Hey,” he says as he enters the room, dimming the lights automatically. He watches Aaron blink slowly in his direction without really seeing him. He's not there, not really. Asleep and awake in some liminal space, some dreamland that doesn't look very inviting if the pinched look on his face is anything to go by.

“...look terrible...” Aaron drawls thick and syrupy. His backwoods Virginia accent slips out when the stars align, when the universe wills it, when he's drugged and tired and off his rocker a little. Every wall he's ever built has crumbled around him today. Every safety net, every shield, it's all been tested and failed in one fell swoop. He's raw and bloody and broken. Derek wonders how Aaron even gets up and walks out of here, but he's going to ignore that thought for the time being and choose to believe it's possible. As a test of that faith, Derek forces a smile for his benefit.

“You're still gorgeous,” Derek replies, standing beside the bed, brushing one finger along Aaron's cheek. It's true. Even with his hair matted in bloody spikes and his face swollen and patchy, even with bruises painting deep watercolor pools over skin that was once flawless, with deep purple and black crescent puddles beneath his eyes, he's gorgeous.

Aaron shakes his head, just slightly, side to side. It's painful so he only does it once but it gets the point across.

“...no you...terrible...”

“Oh. I look terrible? Thanks. I'm gone all day and this is the reception I get when I finally get here?”

He knows. He does look terrible.

“...tired...” Aaron whispers thick and sad. He licks his lips and winces at the movement in his jaw. “...sad...” God he looks so sad, Aaron thinks through his medicated fog. “...why?” There are bags under his eyes. Derek never has bags under his eyes. Most of the day is a blur, but he knows that everything scattered across Derek's features is his fault. In some dim way, he can't touch it but he feels it. Those damn blank spaces.

“Go to sleep, baby,” Derek says, pushing the bloody matted hair back from Aaron's forehead and pressing a kiss dead center, warm and soft and a little too long. “I got nowhere else to be but here. With any luck, I'll look even worse when you wake up from your beauty sleep.”

(x)

“Can I have a minute with him, doc?” Derek asks quietly, and the doctor nods. They've been there for hours, and Aaron never did really sleep. The sedative was only strong enough to make him slow, barely lucid, but never actually asleep. It wasn't really helping. More tests had come back and the doctor was hovering, waiting for him to be awake enough to share information. But he just keeps blinking long and slow and sad, and Derek figures they can give him a break. Another trip around the clock won't hurt.

“I'll come back in an hour with the last of the results and we'll see about discharge.”

“Thanks, man.”

Derek had been pacing while the doctor tried to get Aaron's attention, but now he's back by the side of the bed. He sits down, scooting Aaron's legs over just enough to give himself room, and stares at him. Long and hard, he looks and he can't find it in him to smile this time. As much as he'd like to. Just force that megawatt smile and tell him everything is fine and they'd be going home soon and life would go on.

Well, life is going to go on. Of that he's certain, but not the way they thought it would hours ago. Tonight was supposed to be date night, he reminds himself. And now he's staring into the face of a man who has lost everything that he'd built his life on. Sure, he's been divorced for years, but he still had Haley. He still knew her and could talk to her and since their divorce they'd managed to find some reasonable common ground. They claimed it was for Jack, but it was good for them too.

And now he's suddenly been thrust into single fatherhood without any warning, any preparation. Not only that, but it happened in the most violent way Derek could imagine, and that violence was going to leave a lasting mark on their family forever. It hit too close to home. He had watched his father bleed out on a city sidewalk and now he's right back there, staring into his own mother's haunting, devastated eyes as he looks at Aaron now.

“How are you doing?” he asks, knowing how crazy it must sound. But he really doesn't know what to think. How to feel. He's fumbling around in the dark here. All he knows is that Aaron looks awake, thoughtful, he's not blinking as slowly. He's aware of his surroundings in spite of the medication and the concussion.

“I want to leave.” That's the simple truth. He doesn't know how he is, but that hardly seems important. He just wants to go home, or go somewhere that isn't here. “Where is Jack?”

“He's with Jessica and her parents. They thought it best he stay with them tonight...the shock of seeing you like this might be too much for him after what happened. I didn't think I should argue with her.”

Aaron nods. He hates it but it makes sense to him even through his soupy mess of spilled thoughts. And truthfully, arguing with Jess is a lost cause. “Can I talk to him? Can you call them?”

“It's late, baby. It's midnight. They're probably all in bed. We'll call in the morning and make some plans okay?”

Derek is being as patient and as caring as he can be, but he's tired. He's exhausted and not sure he's got much gas left in the tank.

Aaron stares. And blinks, like he's putting together puzzle pieces in his mind. “Midnight?” he asks, like that was the only part that registered. Midnight. How in the hell is it midnight? When the ambulance sped away from his little suburban nightmare the sun was still high in the sky.

“Yeah.” Derek can't explain to him where the time has gone, not really. He's not sure himself. He was trapped in that house for hours, minute after minute, hour melting into hour until they were nothing but a murky congealed mess. “I know. But I think they're gonna cut you loose soon. We'll get the heck outta here, maybe eat something, get some shut eye and...” And what? It'll all be okay in the morning? He can't say that. “We'll call Jess as soon as we get up.”

Soon ends up being another hour, which feels more like a lifetime and the blink of an eye all twisted up like a candy cane. An endless barber pole spinning spinning, colors whirling, hours twirling but never really going anywhere. Derek was lulled into a sense of almost well-being while they waited, a fact that never ceases to amaze him when he thinks about it later. Hospitals did that. When a steady stream of people come in to make sure you're okay, you start to feel a little invincible.

“I met Haley in my junior year of high school,” Aaron drawls with his eyes closed. The lights have started to bother him as they back him off of the meds in preparation for discharge. His concussion is one for the record books from the sounds of it. They're going to have a hell of a time managing it, Derk can already tell. He reaches out and plays with Aaron's hair while he talks, twists his fingers in it, scrapes his nails against scalp, tries to soothe him. It's a waiting game. Aaron's long buried Southern drawl is seeping slow like muddy river water on a hot summer day into every third or fourth word. Derek can almost feel crawdads and fly fishing and mud between his toes. “She was a sophomore. Derek...she was the prettiest girl in the whole school...”

“Yeah. I bet she was,” he replies quietly, wrapping both hands around one of Aaron's. He's so cold, his skin so tight and swollen around broken knuckles but somehow he feels ice cold even still.

“She had a boyfriend, of course. Nathan Fisher. His dad ran a bar, he would let us sneak in sometimes on slow nights to get sodas and play pool. He had this bar tender on Wednesdays who would pour us the worst beer, it was always warm and too foamy but it made us feel pretty cool. Nathan was a good guy. I just wanted to be around her, y'know?” That drawl began deepening as he spoke, as he drifted in and out of what looked like a teary reverie bashed with the violence of the present. “Just wanted to be near her.”

“Did she like you?”

“She didn't even know I was alive until I made a fool of myself in the theater production...guess she felt sorry for me after...but eventually she loved me.” Aaron stops, crafting a thoughtful pause, and Derek smiles in anticipation. “I think.”

His heart sinks. That's not what he'd expected. He knows damn well it's not true. “Nahhh, man, she loved you. Don't go there.”

“And Jessica,” he continues, like Derek never even spoke. “She hated me. We were in debate together. When she found out I was dating her sister...” his voice trailed off, lost in the ghost of a smile. “I love her.”

“I know.”

“She hates me now.”

“Alright man, you're gettin' a little silly on those meds. You gotta give it a rest okay? Haley loved you, and Jessica sure as shit doesn't hate you. She might be upset about what happened to her sister, and she's right to be, but no way she hates you for it.”

Her parents, on the other hand, Derek knows they don't share that sentiment. They were...well they'd already made angry phone calls to him about all sorts of things he would rather die than talk to Aaron about. They didn't know he and Aaron were together, but they sure as hell knew he was the Unit Chief and held both he and Aaron responsible for what happened to their daughter.

Well, Derek figures, get in line. The two men in this hospital bed don't need help in the guilt department. They're threatening to take the FBI to court and he won't stand in their way. IA has already requested a hearing ASAP to go over everything between Foyet's attack on Hotch to now with a fine tooth comb, and they aren't willing to give Aaron a pass on it. The whole team is under investigation.

(x)

Home. Derek's home, because Aaron's apartment won't do, not tonight. The last thing he needs to see is that apartment. Instead, they're met with Clooney bumping into their legs, his long tail thrashing against their shins as he beckons them inside and begs them to sit on the couch. His favorite place to hop up into their laps...Derek has been gone longer than usual and he's clearly a little extra clingy.

He can sense something off in Hotch, he walks with his side pressed against Hotch's leg the entire distance from the doorway to the couch.

The mainline of meds right into Aaron's veins had ended over an hour prior and the pain hit him like a ton of bricks. There is no hope of sleep, not yet, not like this, Derek realizes. He isn't even sure he could do it anyway, so he decides to cook instead. He hasn't eaten anything all day and this was, still, technically date night. Sort of. Maybe they'll get in the shower afterward, Aaron still has so much blood in his hair.

“It wasn't your fault.” It comes out as nothing more than a thin rasp that catches Derek off guard while he pushes eggs around listlessly in the frying pan. Mindless work, he's probably overcooked them by now, his mind has been engaged elsewhere. There is salt and pepper in there, but he's on autopilot, just trying to get some toast and scrambled eggs onto a plate and into their bellies. Like that'll erase everything, fix it all.

“What's that?” he asks, turning the burner off before he pours the eggs onto the waiting plate and grabs two forks. He checks that he turned the burner off twice more before he leaves the kitchen with the plate in one hand, and two bottles held by their necks between his fingers in the other. Ketchup and hot sauce. It occurs to him that he can't remember how Aaron likes his eggs which is absurd because...he knows this. He's known it for years. He just can't get to it. His mind is completely on auto pilot, non-essential tasks and knowledge have been shut down, archived. Breathe, eat, sleep. They're both breathing, and he's trying to take care of the eating...he's not so sure of the sleep part but it's in there. It's next on the list of things to try.

“It wasn't your fault...what happened...” Aaron drawls it out this time in a voice that almost seems to ooze out thick like orange blossom honey straight from the comb. The accent, steadily getting stronger as the night wears on, almost sounds fake except he knows where Aaron is from, he's met his mother, he's seen that house.

“I know.” He doesn't, though. But he's not going to argue. It's all his fault. He could trace what happened to at least ten missed clues or opportunities. Ten that he can think of, dozens more if you give him time. Yeah, he's keeping score. Yeah that's what unsubs do, who cares at this point. He knows it's his fault, but Aaron doesn't want to hear that. Won't hear it. “It was Foyet's.” That's the only thing he can say that isn't a bigger lie than he'd started with. Aaron's blank stare at the mention of Foyet's name is haunting. In any case, Derek plans to take full responsibility for everything at the hearing and there isn't anything else to think about right now.

Clooney snores with his head on Aaron's feet, drooling on his pale pink hospital grippy socks, and Aaron picks silently at the overcooked scrambled eggs perched on Derek's thighs. “I love you, you know?” Derek says, like Aaron could forget something like that.

“I know.” He doesn't say it back right away, but he rests his cheek on Derek's shoulder and he cries and it's almost the same thing right now.

(x)

“Director Skinner,” Aaron deadpans with a nod, unable to forget his manners for even one moment. This is an Internal Affairs hearing, after all, and they're here because he fucked up. Because he didn't follow protocol. And he can't say he blames them, he didn't...but he also doesn't feel guilty, because he shouldn't. None of them have ever had their lives and the lives of their families utterly destroyed by the hands of a man who managed to skirt the system and its supposed fail-safes time and again. Witness Protection should have been enough, and it wasn't. But going back further, arresting him and putting him in prison should have been enough and it wasn't. And further yet? Boston P.D. tracking him with the help of the BAU should have been enough...but it wasn't.

“Agent Hotchner,” Skinner says quietly, tapping the table and indicating for Strauss to turn on the tape recorder. “We won't keep you long. I know your son is waiting for you.”

“Thank you.”

As Skinner opens his mouth to ask the first question, one he hopes will be the only question, the light on the intercom blinks. Flashes red. No one should be in the building, and they all feel a little dread watching it flash. “Do you mind?” Skinner asks and Aaron shakes his head, his hands folded neatly in his lap. He's too sore to move, to do anything but sit stone still and wait until this is over.

There is a squeaking sound on the other end, fuzzy and high pitched, and then a room full of hushed murmurs that sound more than a little like panic. “May I ask who is calling?”

“JACK!”

Everyone in the room smiles, everyone but Aaron. He's staring at his hands.

“Hi Jack. Are you Agent Hotchner's son, the very famous Jack Hotchner?”

“Yes.” Aaron can make out the sound of JJ's voice just behind Jack's, coaching him.

“Jack, did you know there's a secret code on the vending machine in the BAU that will get you a candy bar without even putting in money? If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll give you the code.”

“I hafta ask my dad...” Jack says a little morosely and Aaron's eyes flick up, meet Director Skinner's for just a moment and he nods.

“Well, Jack, I happen to be sitting in a room with your father right now and he says it's okay.”

It doesn't take long before Aaron can hear Reid muttering about a secret code and JJ assuring Director Skinner that the code will be safe with Jack. She'll keep Reid and Morgan far away from it. Emily is pretty sure she can steal it from JJ without her ever knowing, and then she'll make bank selling candy bars out of her desk.

“Agent Anderson,” Skinner says, turning in his chair to the man standing at the doorway. “Call the vendors for that machine and have them change the override code tomorrow morning.”

Aaron almost smiles, the corner of his mouth twitches small and fast. It's gone before anyone sees it, but he can feel it in his chest, a momentary lightness.

“Thank you, Director Skinner,” he whisper speaks. It's quiet and thin sounding. Skinner has known Aaron a long time and is more than a little shaken by his current demeanor. He'd anticipated some level of grief, of injury, but this...well he just looks broken. A wispy shadow of his former self.

“I think we can forgo this interview, Aaron. Your team has made things clear enough for our reports. I'm comfortable with leaving things as they are.”

Strauss opens her mouth, sits gaping at him for a moment. She can hardly believe her ears. “Director Skinner,” she protests and he shakes his head.

“I know protocol says we need to get a statement from Agent Hotchner, but I think we can all agree that this hearing is nothing more than cruelty at this juncture. Perhaps, if it would be agreeable to you Aaron, we could accept his statement in writing by the end of the week?”

“You're the Director,” one of the IA Agent says, closing her own file. “If that's what you're willing to accept, I see no reason to drag this out.” She's uncomfortable, too. Aaron is still staring at his hands.

“Well, Aaron?”

“It'll be on your desk in the morning.”

And just like that, he's pushing himself up out of the chair and shaking Director Skinner's hand. Skinner looks a little mortified when he squeezes too hard, apologizes under his breath and Aaron pretends like it didn't even register.

“Thank you, sir,” Aaron says and Skinner nods solemnly.

“Go home and be with your son. Save the report until the end of the week. That's an order.”

He walks snail slow back to the BAU, down long empty corridors and through keypad controlled doorways. He fumbles for his badge at every one, forgetting until the next one to have it ready. Every step drives the ache in his back deeper until he's practically dragging himself up the last of the stairs to the catwalk. Familiar territory, the home stretch. Derek is standing over the table keeping a watchful eye, making sure everyone behaves while they play a rowdy game of rock paper scissors with Jack whose face is covered in melted chocolate.

“That was fast,” Emily says, standing quickly to offer him her chair. He shakes his head and opens his arms instead when Jack comes flying at him. He'll stand. If he sits now, he might not get back up.

His back screams in violent protest as he lifts Jack up, holds him tight, buries his face in the boy's neck. Every muscle is seizing up, squeezing like a fist, yet somehow the smell of Jack and his chocolate cheeks are enough to keep him standing against the assault. It can't last long, but it'll last long enough.

“Are we all fired?” Emily asks, timid but laced with a little sarcasm. She can't help trying to cut the tension with a little joke. “Cos this is a really inconvenient time to be broke. The economy is in the shitter.”

“The BAU is cleared of all suspicion of misconduct,” Derek says, reading directly from an email Skinner sent him. Hastily typed, the man was clearly attempting to beat Aaron to the room...and judging by the way Aaron had moved like the Tin Man needing his joints oiled, he figured he had a few minutes to compose his thoughts. “Aaron just has to provide a statement in writing and it's all over.” He leaves out the bit about Skinner ordering him to make sure Aaron doesn't work on it until later in the week. That passes between them in a look when Aaron glances up at Derek helplessly from the crook of Jack's neck. Derek can see that he's on the verge of tears. He nods quickly and shoves his phone into his pocket.

“On that note, everyone get the hell out of here,” he says to the room before turning to Aaron and reaching out to take Jack from him before he collapses. “Do not come in tomorrow...or the next day. I'll text you guys when I want you back in the office.”

“Are you...still the boss?” Reid asks, a little unsure, a little unsteady. He regrets it immediately when everyone's eyes flicker toward him, burning through him. Not the time, not the time. “I just meant...now that...”

“You got a problem with that, kid?”

“No, sir." Reid's little smile, a little snarky, makes Emily laugh and shake her head.

“Hotch is gonna need some time off to be with Jack so I'll hold down the fort, business as usual. We'll let you know when or if that changes.” He pauses, letting them all absorb that little if he slipped in there. They'll have plenty of time to discuss that later. Not now. Locking eyes with Aaron, he offers him a gentle smile, a way out. “Let's go home.”

[linagram]

[ 𝚖𝚒𝚢𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚠𝚊 𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚘'𝚜 𝚝𝟷 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜

(actually i wanted to draw something for each voice drama at first but. that would take a lot of time so yay aesthetic gifs!!)

first voice drama, let's go!! it's. um. kinda long i think, but listen, my characters have a lot to say ddhsfgjk. it's also pretty intense for the first voice drama, but akio is just.. like that. i want to psychoanalyze him so bad

there's also a poll in the end, so yeah, you can try to save this guy.. or don't save him. do whatever you want <3

(divider link)

(sounds of footsteps)

Eiji: Alright, here's the first one.

Eiji: You know what to do, right?

Miki: ...

Eiji: Hey.

Miki: Ah! Y-yes, yes, I do, Eiji-san.

Eiji: .. You didn't hear my question, did you?

Miki: ...

Eiji: *sighs* Fine, I'll do it myself.

Eiji: Here, just write everything down. I'll be the one interrogating him.

Miki: O-okay! S-sorry, I'm not the best partner..

Eiji: Just calm down already. You're literally a high schooler who was forced to become a prison guard. Of course, you don't have much experience.

Miki: Um.. Do you have any experience with this kind of stuff, Eiji-san?

Eiji: I don't.

Miki: Huh?? But how can you stay so calm then?

Eiji: Because I know that no matter how many questions we ask and how many videos we watch, I will still vote all of them guilty.

Eiji: So I don't have to worry about anything~

Miki: ALL OF THEM??

Miki: But Eiji-san-

Eiji: Are you ready, Guard 002?

Miki: ...

Miki: W-well, it's not like saying no will change anything.

(door opens)

Eiji: Hello-

Akio: Finally, you're here.

Eiji and Miki: ???

Akio: Seriously, this place has not just one, but two guards and both of them are equally unpunctual.

Akio: You are three minutes and fifteen seconds late.

Akio: I counted while I was waiting for you.

Eiji: ...

Akio: I know, it's impressive.

Eiji: Wow, you sure have nothing else to do with your time.

Akio: What did you just say?

Eiji: You're boring, that's what I said.

Miki: But you said-

Eiji: I know what I said, Guard 002.

Miki: S-sorry..

Eiji: So, Prisoner 001, Miyagawa Akio. 16 years old, first year of high school.

Eiji: *sighs* Most prisoners here are so young.. Looks like no one has taught these kids how to behave.

Akio: I wouldn't call you two that old either.

Akio: You are 19, right? And your assistant is.. 18 years old, if I'm not wrong?

Akio: It's impossible for me to be wrong though, haha..

Miki: B-but I'm not his assistant-

Eiji: I'm surprised you remembered that about us.

Akio: I was so shocked when I first heard about it. I mean, you two are not that much older than me.

Akio: Why do you get to judge other people for their sins and I don't?

Akio: I just know that I would be better at it.

Eiji: Oh, really? Why?

Akio: Well, obviously because I'm smarter than you-

Eiji: Is it because your dad was a prison guard? Is it because you were a prison guard in your past life? Is it because you're used to dealing with criminals? Why do you think you would be a better guard than us?

Eiji: Or is it only because you got an 80% score on your recent English test?

Akio: Hey, I got a 100% score that time!

Eiji: Oh, I am so sorry, I'll let you wear my hat as an apology.

Eiji: *slaps Akio*

Akio: Ow!

Eiji: That was a lie.

Akio: What was that for??

Eiji: Sorry, you're just so annoying, I had to punish you at least in some way.

Miki: Maybe you shouldn't be so cruel to him..

Eiji: He's a murderer. Don't feel sorry for him.

Eiji: By the way, speaking of murder.. So, wanna talk about it?

Akio: .. What do you mean?

Eiji: Come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, you're so smart after all!

Eiji: I want to know more about your murder, Prisoner 001.

Akio: ...

Akio: Heh. I guess that makes sense.

Eiji: Of course it does, you're literally in a prison.

Eiji: So, you admit it. You admit that you've murdered someone.

Akio: Well, if I don't, you'll try to make me confess anyway.

Eiji: Wow, you really are a genius!

Eiji: Keep acting like that and maybe your punishment won't be that bad.

Akio: Well, I don't think you should punish me for what I did.

Eiji: .. Did you just say that you don't deserve to be punished for murdering someone?

Akio: Yes.

Eiji: ...

Miki: Eiji-san-

Akio: Before you slap me or punch me or anything like that, let me explain.

Akio: I don't deserve to be punished simply because I wasn't the one who did it.

Miki: Wait, what??

Miki: Eiji-san, does that mean that we have the wrong person? Does that mean that this prison makes mistakes too?

Eiji: No, we definitely have the right person.

Eiji: Why should we believe you, Akio? How can you prove that you're innocent?

Akio: Well, I'm sure you'll be able to see it with your own eyes thanks to that.. uh, song-extracting machine.

Akio: I still have no idea how it works.

Miki: Same.

Akio: But also, I can tell you all the details, if you want. I have nothing to be afraid of, because again, I wasn't the murderer.

Eiji: Oh, really? Then how can you tell us "all the details" if you weren't the one who did it?

Akio: .. Fine.

Akio: Yes, I know a lot about what happened, but I still didn't kill that person.

Akio: I didn't do it with my own hands, at least.

Eiji: So.. you had an accomplice?

Eiji: I wonder who was stupid enough to follow your orders.

Akio: !..

Akio: They weren't stupid enough! They were loyal enough to do everything I told them to do!

Eiji: Oh? Why did you get so nervous all of a sudden?

Eiji: Hehe, was that person important to you?

Akio: .. It's none of your business.

Eiji: Hey, did you like them, Akio?

Akio: Shut up!

Eiji: That person was so important to you, but you still decided to blame them for all your crimes.

Eiji: Haha, you really are a terrible boyfriend.

Akio: Why do you-

Miki: Boyfriend??

Eiji: Well, who cares about that. I'm more curious about your victim.

Eiji: Hm, what kind of person could be your victim..

Eiji: Did you hate them, Akio? Did you hate them so much that murder was your only option to get rid of them?

Akio: .. Yes.

Akio: Yes, I hated that person.

Akio: He was so..

Akio: Well, it was obvious that he just wanted attention and that's why he acted like that.

Eiji: Was it someone more popular than you, Akio?

Akio: ...

Eiji: Three, two..

Akio: HOW DARE YOU THINK THERE WAS SOMEONE MORE POPULAR THAN ME??

Eiji: Here we go.

Akio: I WAS THAT CLASS'S ONLY HOPE! THEY COULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT ME!

Akio: Listen, my parents sent me to this elite high school, of course, they would do that, I deserve it.

Akio: When I started attending that school, that class was full of lost and burned out kids who had no idea what to do with their lives.

Akio: I gave them motivation to achieve greater things. They wanted to be more like me. They would do anything to become as smart as me.

Akio: One of them wanted to become like me so bad and couldn't accept that he was inferior in every way, that he almost-

Eiji: So, you were like a king to them.

Akio: Haha.. more like a god.

Akio: But that guy.. he made everyone hate me. He made them betray me. They left me and it's all because of him.

Akio: It was his fault. Honestly, he deserved what he got.

Miki: .. So you're saying he deserved to die because of that?

Akio: People literally treated me like I was dead because of him!

Akio: They wouldn't look at me, they wouldn't talk to me, they wouldn't listen to me..

Akio: I guess you could say that my friend simply killed my bully to protect me.

Akio: So nice of him, don't you think?

Eiji: He wouldn't do that if you haven't told him to.

Akio: Well, what was I supposed to do? Suffer in silence?

Akio: Sure, maybe my personality isn't the best, but it doesn't mean I deserved to be hated by the whole school.

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Akio: I guess you just have to see everything for yourself.

Eiji: Yep. I'm very excited to find out how you killed that poor guy.

Akio: I told you it wasn't me-

Eiji: You were the one who came up with the idea. Maybe you're not exactly a murderer, but you're definitely responsible for someone's death.

Eiji: And that's enough to end up in Milgram.. and make me vote you guilty.

Akio: About that.. Is this whole thing even real?

Akio: I mean, the voting system.. This has to be a joke, right? Like, I'm sure all of this is just some kind of game. That Kuroki guy agrees with me.

Akio: Yeah, maybe I was.. well, partially responsible for someone's death, and some of these people actually are murderers, but still, they would just go to the real prison and not this place then, right?

Akio: Why the hell would you have to vote a murderer innocent or guilty?? This doesn't make any sense!

Eiji: You're just worried about what will happen after you get voted guilty, aren't you?

Akio: E-even if you vote me guilty, we still have one more guard here! Right, Guard 002?

Miki: Huh? Me?

Eiji: Oh, now that you need at least one innocent vote, she's also a guard to you and not just my assistant.

Eiji: (to Miki) Don't give him any hope. He doesn't deserve to be voted innocent.

Miki: .. But what if he really was bullied?

Eiji: So what? It doesn't mean that you have to make your friend kill your bully for you.

Akio: I told you it was his own wish-

Eiji: Shut up! God, you're so annoying.

Eiji: Prisoner 001, Akio, sing your sins!

═════════•°• ⚠ •°•═════════

[cannibalisticskittles]

okay but in regards to thinking about the fic -- i've known for a while that i wanted to incorporate at least something about amity's disguise spells bc her discomfort in her own skin is one of the driving forces of this fic (without that, she might have eventually been persuaded and successfully seduced) but the question is, when and to what extent

still not 100% sure on when, but multiple points would be good especially if she can use both disguise self and alter self; maybe the first time she does this is after they kill gandrel and she uses disguise self to talk to him and get some answers. they go and visit ethel right after, which ends with amity fighting Extremely Dirty And Unnecessarily Brutal, and so that is the topic of conversation on the walk back to camp and her disguise spell barely even registers, it's such a common spell anyway

and then maybe she uses the alter self spell to get into the goblin camp/before talking to one of the leaders bc she's a little paranoid abt this going wrong and inviting violence and, hey, they're really receptive to drow, so -- might as well use that information to her advantage

he could compliment her on the use of that disguise self at the celebration, to which she says no, that one wasn't illusion magic, that one was transmutation actually -- she thinks she has a little more juice in her to do it again, here, watch. so she casts it again and says look, i'm really changed, see? you can poke me if you like, but nothing changes; no illusions here. or maybe this is just what i really look like and the way that i've looked the rest of the time has actually been the disguise.

and then she laughs and says that she's kidding, of course. if she really looked like this, she would never choose to look like herself.

but people are friendlier when you are pretty, and more doors open to you. so she's learned these spells for when she needs a door opened. disguise self for brief interactions, alter self for when it seems as though she's going to be under more scrutiny that wouldn't hold up if it was just an illusion that can't be touched.

like, i was thinking that when she shows off the altar self spell, and she's showcasing the difference between that and disguise self, she says that you can really touch her like this, without hands passing through illusory magic to spoil the effect. and then she laughs and says hey, if you're still, for some reason, wanting to have sex with me, i could put on a prettier face if that's something you're interested in, yeah?

and. okay. in writing this out, I think I am convincing myself that this ought to happen later. because if this happens at the tiefling celebration, this offer is 99+% joking -- she is Ever So Slightly Drunk and, hey, she was just explaining how physical touch interacts differently with these two spells, and it's kind of funny to take the opportunity to make a joke like that. and maybe yeah, she thinks he's pretty. sure. sue her. he's so pretty that it's off-putting and it's not really her usual type, but she likes his mannerisms and that's bringing her around to thinking that he actually is quite pretty to her.

BUT at this point, she has not gotten any more comfortable with his proximity or with the idea of physical touch. in fact, at that point, they've slowly built up enough trust again that they are back where they were at the beginning of the first scene. so things are better, but they haven't technically improved. so perhaps the idea has entered her head that, hey, maybe she would like to have some fun like that before potentially dying of tentacles bursting out of her mouth as her soul is devoured by a brain parasite, but she's nowhere near ready to make good on that idea -- she'd still want to crawl out of her skin at just the thought of being touched, and if he did happen to say yes, she would panic. so she would say it, laugh, and move on to something else. showing off her masquerade tattoo, maybe.

whereas by the time they get to moonrise, they have built more trust. she has become a lot more comfortable with him in general, and Somewhat more comfortable with his touch; she makes an offer to allow him to feed from her in the shadowlands since anything he normally would be feeding from is undead, and she says that she's willing to endure some discomfort for the sake of ensuring the survival of a friend. she does disentangle herself from him pretty quickly once he's done, but she's also able to laugh and say that she feels fine, just very floaty now, and that he's now not allowed to be mad at her if she accidentally misaims a spell the next day.

so her offer is still mostly joking, but. maybe like 80%? it's couching a very real underlying... curiosity. he's... openly horny at several points. and they're friends now. not the closest friend she's ever had, but hey, she thinks maybe they actually could get there. he's fun to be around. he seems to like having her around, even if only sometimes. he's come around her at least. and ever since he brought up How Her Body Reacted To Him, and a little more since the second bite, she has. considered this. and she's.... sort of interested. but also she has no desire to make him uncomfortable and asking without covering this in a joke is mortifying and impossible. so she says it and then is immediately prepared to back off and switch to another track. and if he says yes... she still would not know what to do with herself and there would still be some panic, but hey, she's a big girl, she can handle herself, and it's good to experience new things, right? even if you panic about them beforehand? and possibly during?

either way, whenever this scene does happen, he says no, and she very quickly and easily switches tracks to something else without any visible (or internal) upset. but her reasons for bringing it up would be different, depending on when it happens. and better, i think, if it's later.

and, of course, i think that it would be better later because of what his potential reactions would be.

again, either way he's going to say no, but if this happens earlier, he says no because he's decided at this point that the way to secure his safety is to make her think that he's the best of friends with her, and she's already rejected him really harshly before, and he's not going to risk anything fucking up that up a second time and he IS NOT going to risk her rejecting him a second time. he'd be annoyed at her for even offering, even if she does play it off like it's fully a joke. (the annoyance at her is, of course, not reason enough to not have this scene happen then. having both of them act in ways that annoy each other is great! but it... might not serve its full purpose if it happens then.)

but if this happens after moonrise... well. first of all, he has begun to have... feelings. he does not know what these feelings are. he does not want to examine them. he does not want to even admit that there is anything different about the way he views her. but there are some.... baffling feelings for her.

(also, if, in a previous scene, she uses the tadpoles to share with him her unrequited feelings for her friend and former party member during that scene where she and karlach and astarion talk about gale possibly still pining for mystra and amity ends up making the point that hey, it does suck to have unrequited feelings but also, it's not that bad, and even unrequited, feeling love for somebody kind of feels good on its own? so yeah, it would be ideal if the person she has these feelings for shared them, but she knows they love her in their own way and they value her and so she's able to focus on the nice parts of her feelings, and she'd rather have that than no feelings at all bc it's strange and new and hurts a little but it's also nice to have, look, she'll prove it, feel this......... if she did that, astarion is like. subconsciously comparing His Feelings to what she showed him. telling himself that no, it's nothing alike, it's not nearly so sappy and besotted, it's nothing, nothing at all. very paranoid abt it lmao.)

so then she Says That and he gets to wonder about how she views him. wonder what brought this on, when she was so clear about her rejection before. wonder what changed her mind. wonder if it's still just his looks.

and, of course, araj is at moonrise. and amity advocates for him, as she always will. and, if he hasn't been doing the traditional seduction, i don't think he would quite be at the point of making the same realizations that he does during his romance yet. but there'd be some realizations. the stirrings of thoughts. (thinking about what he says after that scene if you're just on a friendship path with him -- something about 'isn't precious to not want to go through with that? i should have just said yes and gotten the potion and been done with it. why didn't i?' haha ouch.)

of course, a lot of this might be moot since the fact that araj is at moonrise means that if this conversation happens after speaking with araj, amity might be too bothered by that to even jokingly suggest a tryst. she'd have to not be aware that he is still bothered by it at all. which is possible! there's lots of things that she does not pick up on.

and, also, he might be bothered by his reaction to araj and so take on an extra playful tone when they get back to camp and amity just riffs on that.

anyway in addition to The Offer there's also the fact that she's just casually mentioned that she would never want to look like herself if she didn't have to and that might be the most direct she's been about her self-image issues. like during the teething celebration, she'll tell him that hey, maybe he had a point before, and maybe she overreacted, she just really does not like when people bring up how she looks and she would thank him to not do that again ever please. so that's another thing for him to be aware of. and to be a little bit baffled by also. because yes, she has a lot of tiefling features. but she's not bad on the eyes. she's really that bothered by her appearance? huh.

a man who has been used and abused for his good looks meets a woman who has been mocked and abused for her unusual and undesirable looks. both have developed a complex and deep insecurities about this.

anyway yes those are the current fic thoughts. kind of silly to be thinking about that now since there are several scenes to write before i get to any of that, even if it does happen earlier, but hey, that's where my thoughts landed today

[whiskeyswifty]

i wonder if taylor is taking longer with(/ignoring) speak now tv because of the conversation around john mayer that might happen when it's released? there was so much talk about jake when atw10 was released (which i think she played into), and i feel like with how the culture is right now (e.g. people dragging leo for dating teenagers) i think the new version of dear john could cause a similar stir. from wcs it seems that taylor still has a lot of complicated and painful emotions about (1/2)

while this is a thoughtful theory, i'm not sure i'm onboard with it 100% unfortch. I think there is a degree sure that she's probably still confronting and processing the reality of her experience with JM, but i just can't find it in myself to talk about her relationships seriously, as if i know exactly what happened and what she's going through. I subscribe to the idea that she shares partial truths, but probably not full truths, mainly to protect people and herself by keeping some things to herself for her own sanity. she's said as much over the years, so it's hard for me to talk about a relationship in specifics as if i know what's going on or what went on or how she's feeling about it. I don't mean to preach to you that it's right or wrong to do that! It's just not my modus operandi. i also subscribe to the idea that everyone should be a fan in the way that (healthily) serves their interests and lets them have fun how they want to have fun, so i fully support your theorizing! but i can't say i agree with this mainly on those grounds, that i have no idea of the full scope of exactly how that relationship went down and how she feels about it as whole. I agree wcs offers the insight that she's still dealing with it, if it is indeed about JM, but also she's never confirmed that and so i can't use that as a genuine barometer. it could be about JG or tbh someone we have never heard of because she didn't want to share that with us. and given how painful wcs seems to be, i totally don't blame her for not getting into the exact details of what that song pertains to and who.

i DO think however it's something she's probably thinking about, as she digs up old records to re-record and make a whole publicity circus around them. of all her kiss-offs, the Dear John song is absolutely the least ambiguous, if not just like straight up calling him out lol. so she was probably seeing how the ATW/JG situation would go for sure, and probably seeing how she felt about digging up all those emotions again. Some exes she might be at peace with and some she might not, and maybe the only way to know for sure is for her to just start digging and see if she has a mental breakdown or not lol. I can't say with ANY certainty or even a lick of clarity how she handled getting into JG again, as who knows what's going on behind the scenes. But at the very least, she seemed willing to go there and bring it all back up, retread it, and shed some new light on it, despite whatever emotions it brought back. We can imagine that as she gets ready to do speak now or 1989 or whatever, she's most likely using the red/atw experience to chart a course and set how much she wants to bring up, talk about, etc etc. So imo you're probably on the right track with that!

is ANY of this holding back speak now's release in my opinion? no, nor is she the kind of shrewd business woman who would let it imo (affectionate). In all honesty, i think the main reason she's holding it back is just to not oversaturate the market with herself. She spaced out fearless tv and red tv and then midnights and then the tour very deliberately, both to let the public engage with and appreciate the new content, but also to give the public downtime. give them a chance to miss her so when she pops up again, they're happy to see her and not groaning like this bitch again, i can't get rid of her!! it's a fine line and it's not exclusive to her. every single artist from beyonce to olivia rodrigo has to deal with the delicate balance of oversaturation. while the tour isn't new direct content for everyone per se, there are articles being written every week about her performances, people are talking about her nonstop on social media, SHE is posting about the tour every week, etc etc. so if you're mapping out the next 2-5 years of content, which is the common strategy for most artists, speak now needs to be pushed back until tour is either further along and less of a novelty, or over completely. with how much space each rerecord needs to maximize profits, she would have had to push the tour another year or so to release all the tv's before it's start, and with 4 untoured albums already, she couldn't push it any longer. i know that's a very boring and very business oriented reason, i'm personally pretty convinced that's the biggest reason. she could also be taking stock of the success, or failures, of the first two re-releases and adjusting her and her teams approach to those kinds of releases. how many resources to devote to them, the timeline of it, and so on. this is a totally unprecedented exercise, so she has no other metrics to go off of. she's creating her own metrics and using them to tweak how to move forward in the most effective way for her goals with these rerecords and the most profitable way.

kind of rambly lol but those are my thoughts!