#I'll spend some days either middle of January or end of January

[enekorre]

Does anyone know any fun activities in Hamburg? I might go there soon, but most things seem closed in winter

[skateboardtotheheart]

Please, give us some Christmas headcannons I beg you! They are freaking adorable and I have butterflies in my stomach reading them 🥺

omg hell yeah i'll give you some christmas headcanons!!

wille has never been a huge fan of christmas because at the castle it usually means a lot of press and events and always getting stuck wearing uncomfortable clothes. the only part of christmas he ever did enjoy once he outgrew the childhood wonder was sneaking away on the 24th to exchange gifts with erik

simon LOVES christmas. he gets in the spirit on november 1st and doesn't let it go until well into january 

the christmas after the video was the worst one either of them have ever had. they were both utterly miserable and wallowed and grieved the entire day. after getting back together and discussing how awful it had been for them both, Simon declared that it didn't count and they should get a do over. the next weekend, wille went over to simon's to find his boyfriend's room turned into a christmas wonderland and they spent the whole day watching children's movies, wearing warm sweaters, drinking a saved bottle of christmas soda, and exchanging gifts. it's the happiest wille has ever been on a christmas, even if it wasn't the actual holiday

simon buys them matching ugly sweaters. wille tries so hard to be nice because of how excited simon is about it but looking at the thing honestly makes him want to tear it to shreds, it's so awful. it has pompoms and bells and lights that work. he wears it every time simon asks him to and when the season is done he puts it protectively in the back of his closet

they both struggle like crazy to get each other a gift. wille doesn't want to get something that makes simon freak out about how much it costs and simon knows he can't spend as much money as the types of gifts wille might be used to. they both freak out about it until on two separate occasions, felice smacks them upside the head and tells them to just do something meaningful and sweet

in the end, wille writes simon a lengthy letter about how happy simon makes him and how much he loves him, pairing it with a framed print out of simon's favorite photo of them. simon lands on doing a handful of recordings of him singing some of wille's favorite songs which he thinks sound really bad but make wille cry. both of them struggle to stop smiling for D A Y S

simon makes it look like the holidays threw up in wille's room. he walks in one day to find tinsel everywhere and handcut snowflakes hanging from the ceiling and a soft candycane blanket on his bed and snowmen EVERYWHERE and he has never regretted leaving simon alone in his room more. even still, he doesn't take down a single thing and enjoys the way simon's eyes light up when he sees that wille left it all

since wille has to be at the castle for the 24th, he does a celebration with the eriksson family on the 22nd before he leaves. linda cooks a feast and wille insists on helping her out while simon and sara are both in the living room, shouting updates about what's going on in the overly cheesy christmas romcom on tv. it's so warm and comfortable and happy that wille practically forgets why he doesn't like christmas in the first place

wille still buys erik christmas gifts. on the 24th, during the late afternoon as it always was, wille sneaks into erik's room to put the gift in one of the now emptied out drawers. he's pretty sure most of the staff knows he's been doing it, but none of them say anything and the gifts are still there the next time he's in the room

even though he’s not a christmas guy, wille really does love winter (one of the reasons he allows simon’s decorating a pass). he’s the cheesy one who buys them both hot chocolate and drags simon on a stroll through the middle of town while snow drifts down around them. when simon starts getting too cold wille wraps simon in his own scarf and lets simon stick both his hands in wille’s coat pockets for extra warmth. at least five times he can’t resist the urge to lean in and kiss the tip of simon’s nose. it’s like something straight out of a movie and the next day, there’s pictures on the internet of the crown prince and his boyfriend huddled together as snow falls from the dark night sky and besotted smiles take up their faces

simon is an extremely skilled snowball fighter from years of doing them with rosh and ayub. wille has never had a snowball fight in his life but is determined that he will beat simon. the game has been going on and off for weeks now. they’ve both recruited classmates for sneak attacks on the other and now nearly every other first year is involved. it has become a war. there is no ceasefire in sight. chaos reigns on the hillerska campus

[this-is-spn20]

Day 25 of Christmas: Celebrate Christmas!!

A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! This was such a cool writing experience for me! I've never written this much in my life. But as fun as this was, it was exhausting. Honestly, I'll probably never do this again. But I might do something similar! It just depends! But if I do ever do this again, it'll have to be a lot of prep time around it. But maybe next year, I can collab with other writers and make this a collaborative thing! Perhaps even have you guys make submissions! Either way, Thank you to all the new people who followed me and my small blog! 51 followers! I might not be a lot to some, but I never thought I'd get this many! So thank you for spending time with me. Also worth mentioning, I will not be writing for 2 weeks, I need time to recharge. So if anyone sends in any requests, they will not be written/posted until mid-January. Yes, this means requests are officially OPEN again. I just won't be posting anything until the middle of the month.

I wish you all a prosperous New Year, and may 2023 have mercy on us all. Stay safe and healthy.

Spread Love,

-Marissa

The word count is 3,245. (I'm so sorry)

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Today was the day!! You were finally at the most exciting day of the year! You spent all month, not just sitting around, sulking in the bunker all month long. You did so many things and had so many adventures! So many new stories and memories made by all your friends, and you couldn’t be more grateful to Sam and Dean for going along with your crazy shenanigans. When you first brought the idea up to them, you just knew they’d reject it hard. But nope! They were reluctant, but they went with it, for you. And you hoped your presents would be enough to pay them back. You’d always loved giving to people. Giving so much that you barely left any compassion for yourself sometimes. You just felt that if everyone around you was happy, so were you. If there was a problem? You’d be the first to try to handle it. You were just a bit worried the boys wouldn’t like your gifts. You’d thought about them really hard before even considering buying them. But still, sometimes all the brainstorming in the world could lead absolutely nowhere when it comes down to the mercy of the recipient. 

It was 7 am on the dot when your bed was shaking and you jolted awake, immeadiently you dug under your pillow and pulled out a pocket knife all in a flash. The person unlucky enough to be at the end of the knife was nonother than hellraiser Dean. Your knife landed on his forehead and he quickly jerked away, slightly losing his smile. You grumbled something about how you should beat his ass for scaring you silly like that. But he just laughed mockingly at you. He practically dragged you out of your bed and down the hall to the map room. Your brain and legs were barely working so you struggled to keep up with Dean’s long legs. Sam sat in one of the chairs and shook his head as he saw Dean drag you in with puppy-like excitement. You took and Dean took to sitting on the floor, eagerly awaiting Sam to do the same. Early in December, you’d all agreed with everyone getting 5 presents from each person. Meaning everyone is getting 10 presents. Which you all figured would be more than enough. You all agreed to rock paper scissors as a way to determine who would open their presents first. 

Whenever that game came into the mix, Dean always lost first. And indeed that’s what happened today. You and Sam were locked in the childish game, staring at the other’s hands intensely. Trying to decipher the other’s next move. You and Sam played the game just for fun sometimes, it was a good little mind game to occupy each other for a bit. And it was always a toss-up of who would win. Today, Sam won. Throwing his hands in the air in victory, You mumbled something about not being awake enough for the game. Dean and Sam declared you a sore loser while you helped Sam grab all 10 of his gifts. The first box Sam went for was a medium-sized box and something rattled inside a bit he didn’t shake it even more fearing it was fragile. The wrapping paper went one way and the box lid went the other. Finally, Sam slightly gasped at the light blue polaroid camera. Sam loved it if the way he held it so gently was any indication. Dean then spoke up and said, “Well for all your modern technology crap, I know you still appreciate the older things. I bought extra film in case you go overboard, like usual.” Dean smiled shyly at Sam. Sam gave Dean a subtle bitch face but thanked Dean for the gift. He really did like it. He would always be a fan of classics. Sam absolutely loved the air fryer you gave him. He’d been begging Dean for one for months to no avail. You brushed him off to avoid more blushing when he expressed his gratitude to you. He was speechless when he opened the black leather boots you got him. You noticed his current boots were hanging on their last life and thought it’d be a nice present. Sam seemed to enjoy Dean’s Bluetooth earbuds and speaker, glad he wouldn’t always have to listen to Dean’s music on the road now. He also really liked the leather messenger bag from Dean. Sam being the resident researcher meant he had to keep a lot of books, his laptop, and papers with him at all times. He wasn’t really a fan of carrying his workload with him at all times. At least he had somewhere to put his stuff on the road now. The solar phone charging bank was perfect for his long hikes. He often had to end his hikes early because of his phone battery. He couldn’t do late-night hikes either for the same reason. But now, with Dean’s gift, it was possible now and he couldn’t be happier. The last gift from Dean was a mini projector for Sam’s room. Anytime Sam wanted to watch an old movie or anything really on a projector, was now a possibility. Sam was excited and looked as if he would burst with joy. But he wasn’t done just yet. He still had to open the rest of your presents. 

Sam tore into the wrapping paper again with fervor. It was a huge package, and he couldn’t hold himself back as he let out a short but happy little giggle. You giggled too at his adorable, bright, happy face. When the package was opened, Sam couldn’t believe his eyes. It was beautiful. A gorgeous 4 feet tall bookshelf lay in front of Sam. He stuttered and stumbled with his words a bit before he just grabbed you and held you in a big, warm hug. His voice wavered even with his attempts to keep his voice steady. He whimpered a soft, shaky thank you in your ear. You told him he still had one more gift before he dissolved into a puddle of tears. He let go of you and opened his last present. He opened it to see a box of cassette tapes. He was confused until he saw the cassette player at the bottom. Sam looked at Dean who just shrugged his shoulder and sat up a bit, not knowing where this was heading either. You told Sam to play the first tape. He popped the first tape into the player and your voice played through its small, but fairly loud speakers. 

“Hey Sam, I wanted to do something special for you for Christmas. This box of tapes is me reading your favorite stories to you and singing your favorite songs to you as lullabies! I’ve included a few other songs and stories you may not know just for a little variety. I hope you enjoy it. Sweet dreams Sam.” Sam pressed pause on the tape. Sam looked over at you to see your face flushed with a shy smile on your face. You looked up and saw both boys look at you in awe. They couldn’t believe you did something so sweet for Sam. Dean had a small smile of approval. There was a hint of jealousy you saw there. But he had his own set of tapes coming. He just didn’t know that. Sam was so happy. There were tears in his eyes again and he could barely hold them back. Letting one tear slip out. His voice was soft as he said another thank you and held the tape player close to his chest. 

Dean was about to play rock paper scissors with you but you told him you’d let him go first. He was surprised but didn’t complain as you and Sam helped him gather all the presents addressed to him. Dean went to open a long present. Excited to see it was from Sam he ripped the paper off and threw the lid somewhere you didn’t register. You let out a ruckus laugh and Sam did too. Dean was pissed as he pulled a walking cane out of the box. Dean immediately gave death glares to both of you. You were pretty sure he wanted to beat Sam with it. Sam slowly stopped laughing and explained the gift hoping his dear brother would beat him while he was speaking. 

“You know when we hunt, sometimes we have to hike or set up camp. Well, I bought the cane so that it’ll be easier for you to walk through whatever terrain and have a quick weapon to defend yourself if you’re alone or you just need something quick. That and you’re old.” Sam smirked and Dean was getting ready to smack Sam in the back of the head. Sam interrupted his thoughts by telling Dean to twist the little elephant at the top of the cane. Dean was surprised that the top could come off and as he pulled the top of the cane away from the rest, there was a long, fairly thick almost sword-like blade that was attached to the elephant. You stared at the blade in wonder and Dean did the same. It was so fucking cool. He loved it Although Dean did threaten Sam with a good smack if there was another gift like that in the future. Sam laughed and brushed Dean off, knowing that he would never do such a thing. Dean moved on to his next present with slight excitement. He opened another one from Sam. It was a coffee maker! Dean tore the remaining packaging on it and admired it as he slightly sat back. The bunker’s old machine was getting worse and worse. Instead of coffee, it was producing something close to a sludge instead of a drink. So Dean having his morning cup of caffeine and sugar wouldn’t be your guy’s problem anymore. The next few gifts had Dean damn near jumping around like a little kid. Dean really liked the pair of boots you got for him, and damn near tackled you when he open his own set of your handmade winter accessories. He for some reason was very taken by the gloves. He also loved the safe you’d given him. He had a hard time finding places in his room to keep his most prized possessions. He appreciates the fact that he now has a place for all the items he holds dear. Dean opened another considerably large-sized present and he gasped when it revealed a chair hammock. Sam told him he noticed the only place in the Dean Cave to sit on was the couch and not much else. Sam hoped he could help spice up Dean’s relaxing place with a bit more comforting furniture. Dean pulled Sam into a tight, yet short hug. Clearing his throat he quickly moved on to the next present. Another long package and Sam snickered. You shook your head, knowing you’d probably have to keep Dean from tearing Sam’s head off. Dean unraveled the paper from the box and almost dropped the box in surprise. You gasped and looked at Sam with wild, yet soft eyes. Dean’s hands started shaking as he revealed the red and black electric guitar to you in pure, unadulterated excitement. Dean played a few out-of-tuned notes and hugged the instrument to his chest. The number of times Dean said thank you to Sam was uncountable. Desan felt so proud to have a brother as cool (and annoying) as Sam. Another, longer hug this time was shared between the brothers as you looked on with slightly teary eyes. When they finally broke away, Dean quickly grabbed his last present which was from you. He tore the paper apart quickly to move on from his overwhelming emotions. It didn’t help when he opened the lid to the box and saw his own set of cassette tapes and tape player. He couldn’t believe you took the time out of your days to make something like this for himself and Sam too. This just solidified what they both knew. They didn’t deserve you.

The boys sat themselves up a bit from where they sat. You were last to open their gifts You grabbed all your gifts and looked to the boys with playfully suspicious glares and started opening the first gift you laid your hand on. They were getting anxious. This was a way for them to pay you back for everything you do for them. As far as they were concerned, you didn’t need to pay them back a dime. They just wanted to show you they appreciated you. In whatever way they could. And for now, they just hoped you liked their gifts, although nothing could top what you did for them. You started off with Sam’s gift which was in another long, thick box. You opened it up and squealed loudly while jumping up and down. You were freaking out when Dean told you to pull the thing out of the box. It was an axe bass based on one of your favorite characters of all time. Marceline from Adventure Time. You loved the show and all its characters, but you loved Marceline even more. She was just such a good character and attached to her. Now you had a token of her character. Sam watched the show with you a few times and grew to love it. He saw how much you loved Marceline, so he made the move to buy you the bass, just for you little fangirl self. You were such a manic mess, you couldn’t stop smiling. Even when going for your next gift from Dean. You ripped off the paper so fast the boys swore you took it off in one swipe. You opened it to see a roll of LED lights. You were never much for following trends and the newest fads. But you just loved those lights you saw everyone had on tik tok. You just loved the idea of changing the aesthetic of your room in a few seconds. It was fun! You hadn’t stopped talking about the damn lights for a week and now that you had them, you could finally spare the boys' ears. Until you inevitably found something else to obsess over. Dean’s knife necklace was a hit with you along with Sam’s pair of daggers made for you with your initials engraved on both blades. Sam also indulging in your childish side felt nice, most considered you to be a bit too childish at times but while that could be true, you just wanted to feel like a kid again sometimes. So when your next present from Sam was a medium-sized bubble machine you nearly crushed the man in a hug. Dean’s next gift almost made you cry. You knew the boys were getting sick of you going on and on about making new things with crocheting and such. You told them countless times that trying out sewing would be a dream come true. So when you saw a cute light blue sewing machine, you screamed so loud the boys needed to cover their ears. They knew you were happy but jeez did you have a pair of lungs on you. You melted when you saw Dean had already ordered different fabrics for you. Ugh, these boys were more than you deserved. 

Sam’s last gift to you was one of the best things yet. He got you a telescope! You were so happy that you almost let a tear escape your eye. You’d always loved space and everything to do with it. Hell sometimes if you had nothing to do around the bunker, you’d look into the science of space. You loved learning about new advances made and you always wanted to look at the stars and planets. But since the bunker’s telescope only showed the different dimensions and now that didn’t work either since the departure of Mrs. Butters. You had nothing to see the stars with. Until now. Thanks to Sam you could now watch all the stars and planets you wanted. You wrapped Sam in a softer hug leaning up to whisper a thank you in his ear. He squeezed you even tighter for a moment, then let go. 

You’d opened up all your presents and thought you were done when Dean protested, saying you didn’t get his last gift. Thinking you’d missed a box under the tree you looked again until Dean told you to come with him to the garage. The dammed garage you’d been forbidden to go in since the beginning of the month. You were teaming with excitement as Sam covered your eyes and Dean grabbed your hands to lead you to the garage. Your steps were unsure and hesitant. But when you felt the cold concrete in the garage touch your bare feet, you walked even faster. Finally, Dean stopped you and positioned you to face your right. Dean counted to three and Sam took his hands off your eyes. The first thing you saw was bright cherry red 1961 Chevrolet Corvette. You screamed for the longest time and jumped up and down. You couldn’t believe it! When you first moved into the bunker, the boys gave you a tour of the place. When you first stepped into the garage you fell in love with this car only to be wholly disappointed that the car didn’t start. You quickly turned to Dean and captured him in the tightest hug you could muster. Tears fell freely from your eyes as you thanked him over and over again. When you finally pulled yourself together, you went to Sam and held him in the same way you did Dean. 

Dean asked if you wanted to take her for a spin and you quickly agreed. Not even bothering to get your stuff. You felt at peace and satisfied to hear the purr of the engine. You, Sam, and Dean drove all over town and were having a blast. Your holiday season was done, but that didn’t mean the adventures did. And you were ecstatic about the adventures to come next. With your boys at your side, you could do anything. 

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TAGGING: @fooshigoomies @naturalswifty89 @imaginestuffs @of-a-chaotic-mind

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[tetrisfinished]

the past few days

over the past few days i've been wanting to crack open my laptop and start typing out the cacophony happening in my brain. (i understand the definition of this word, i can only half guess that my use of it is correct, so if it's wrong - shut up).

but of course, now that i've finally pulled the motivation out, nothing is coming to mind. even though i've experienced some big feelings all i can recall are as follows:

wanted to spend a full post talking about how a whole year begins, middles, and ends within the month of january at the pace that this month goes through. and i'm rigtht on this, so don't fight me.

wanted to have a full fledged pity party for myself as i do so often and title it "the path to hell is paved with good intentions". i would have started it off with "...and i think i'm walking that very path right now". it was going to be such a fun, self loathing sesh. but that's out of my system in the current moment. if summoned with even a little bit of effort, it would come running back, but WE ARE ADULTS AND WE ARE MOVING PAST IT.

so yasir is coming back tomorrow.

and i'm happy about it.

let's sit with that for a moment. i want to be brutally and totally honest with myself and I don't know if that brutality lies in the "fact" that i'm genuinely happy for myself that my husband is returning or that i'm overjoyed that i won't have to see esa hurting anymore.

frankly, if either of those are true....it would be a brutal honest thing. why couldn't i just be normal and have both of them be true, you ask?

maybe [queue gasp] I AM NORMAL and both of those ARE TRUE.

but to get to the bottom of that....i'm going to take a pause. you won't obviously experience it as you read it, but future komal, i want you to know that you stopped typing, closed your eyes, and TRULY contemplated which of those 3 scenarios were the most true for you. now.

okay. i've sat with my feelings and my truth and i've thought about it. and here it is:

as people have been asking how i'm feeling and if i'm excited for yasir to be coming back tomorrow, i've been responding with "yes!", "so ecstatic", general happiness and merriment.

i've even given thought to how i will greet him. will i run up to him and give him a kiss on his forehead? but that will of course break my heart because he will immediately pull away and push me away since that's probably the most embarassing scenario that could happen to him.

will i walk up non chalantly and give him a fist bump? to spite his family because supposedly they would make so much fun of his stupid wife's pda-ing ways so that will give them something to talk about?

as you can see, the crazy juices have been running on full gear.

i think....truly, and honestly, i haven't decided. maybe there will be a lot of commotion at the airport and i'll be generally handling esa so i won't be able to react much to him returning.

but the fact is....i think i want to kiss him. and hug him. and feel him reciprocate it. i want to action these things that i know will return in sort of a heartbreak for me, because....because what? i think i'm seeking validation? i think, most of all....i'm seeking his love.

i'm seeking a feeling of knowing that he will hug me back despite how embarrassed he might feel. that he will give me the love the way i want to receive it despite that giving me something the way i want goes against every single principle that he upholds in his adult life.

so i guess the question becomes - do i really want him to hug me and kiss me back? or do i want to see that he could? am i seeking the wrong sort of love? am i seeking it for the wrong intentions?

i don't know. all i know is...i would like to experience it.

but i think 2 months - the duration of him being away - is not really a long enough time for him to show me love as if he's just seeing us against after years and years of separation.

so....here's my resolution for tomorrow. i will respectfully and happily welcome him back. i will be happy about it. but i will not show my happiness at the cost of my heartache. i will not hug him or kiss him (unless he initiates it, but do i even need to say that bit out loud?) because i don't know how much more i can continue to make myself open and vulnerable to this man who...cares for so much more beyond me and his consideration of me.

and that might sound like it's coming off resentful - and maybe it was 2 months ago when i was living it. but now, it's really just fact.

that's not to say that it won't become resentment again tomorrow or the day after or the day after.

the heart is a fickle fickle thing.

ANYWAY. that's that. now onto true and genuine feelings that i can express and i won't be broken hearted or vulnerable in expressing.

but even as i'm about to type this out, there is doubt creeping into my mind about the truthfulness of my belief. anyway. i was going to say....i will be so happy to have esa see his father tomorrow.

i've not done right by esa i think. when i got mad at him and yelled any time during the past 2 months - he asked for his baba. and how come i'm still the person carrying this guilt? i was there, i was present, i was an asshole parent who yelled at her kid but i was there goddammit. so how come this guilt isn't going away?

anyway. i'm just a big open wound over here.

i'm going to stop. i should get some sleep tonight otherwise who's going to overthink all of this tomorrow.

goodnight.

-k

[danielleee-x]

A year in my life.

January

I was doing good during christmas & nye, it's always a bit stressful but I'm doing alright.

Or am I?

That's when I crash, usually middle of or end of January is when I stop functioning. I stay laying in bed one day and fast forward it's February and I haven't gotten up just once.

Feeling pain in my bones, the weight of every movement I made in the past month crushing my muscles and spirit day by day.

And getting weaker with every breath. Every bite. Every swipe on Instagram. Until my speech has left and I need to communicate through that thing that hurts - my phone.

But I was doing alright, wasn't I?

February

The days seem to be fleeting. Shouldn't forget to at least get better before my sister's birthday..

Laying in bed day in, day out. Darkness within my room. Awake at night, asleep during the day. In and out of weakness.

I don't remember what I ate or felt that day or yesterday or the day before that.

Wasn't new years eve just a week ago?

Wait stop, it's moving to fast!! Stop.. please..

I don't even know how to process all of this yet...!!

March

I should really pull myself together. But I can't get my sleep schedule to turn around.. I try and try with no success.

My hatred for myself is growing stronger and stronger.

What's even up with my hair? When did I shower last? It wasn't January, was it? And my skin? Have I even touched it in the last 8 weeks?

I'll prioritize a shower for now. I'll wait until my mom has time to brush my hair so I can go and wash it with shampoo atleast 3 or 4 times.

But she doesn't seem to have any time or energy...

Mom, please, before April.. Before your birthday please!

April

My mom's birthday is in 8 days.. No matter when my hair will be washed, I won't be able to attend it. Just like all the other hangouts I've been invited to the last 2 months.

Oh well.. She won't be getting any gifts from me this year.. I'm sorry for being such a useless piece of shit mom.. I swear I'm sorry.

I'll still prioritize my shower because without having showered first I can't workout to get better. So she helps.. Somewhere before her birthday but nonetheless it takes a week to reset and be able to sit up in bed again, nevermind even just blinking or watching a movie..

My dad's birthday is soon..

I should prioritize my health though, I should workout when I can, no matter the consequences of missing his birthday or getting attacks again.

Why am I not getting better after my shower? Why can't I go workout? What is happening to me? Why is swallowing so tough and breathing so hard?

I have time though, I should get better until May. It'll be fine. Either way I want to celebrate my birthday..

May

One small month time to get good enough to atleast go for dinner for my birthday. Maybe even meet some friends.

I can finally workout. It seems to be going well! I feel on top of the world! Within a week my luck has turned, I can function like a normal girl!!

This is so exciting. I have to keep this up. Workout weekly. Eat well. Don't let myself slip.

My birthday was good. Not what I would've wished for but my wishes were too big nonetheless so it's okay!

June

I'm doing good. The heat is a bit bothersome though. I'm able to workout and be active but choose to spend a lot of my time in my cool bedroom and either game or just be on my phone.

But no proper issues though, not like January, February, March or April...

I don't however see myself showing any skin or enjoying swimming or sun with the body I'm in. I gained so much weight since December, all because I ate but couldn't shake it off. I gained and gained and now feel like the ugliest person in this world.

I'll never show my body to anyone ever again.

But still, I'm doing good. It's just a bit warm in all these oversized shirts, that's all.

July

Same thing as before. It's too hot to be active. I have some parties here and there and hangout with some of my loved ones but not a lot.

August

Same sentiment still.

September

I can finally plan some stuff. Start going on my daily walks again. Enjoy life, which is nice!

October

I'm overdoing it for sure, I'll burnout soon if I don't stop..

But I don't think I'll stop..

Quitters are losers don't forget.

The changes of the weather are starting to wear me down a lot, feels like I'm stuck in mud and can't move on..

I feel the control of my illness slipping away..

I'll keep my head high though, it'll be fine!

November

You shouldn't push forward whenever there's resistance. I wish I'd learn that someday.

I'm in bed again, breathing heavy and barely moving...

These patterns in the past couple of years are rough. They'll wear me down in time.. I'll be nothing but a weak fragile person laying in bed all day and in need of a wheelchair as my main if I don't start taking care of my body...

December

In bed all day.

Slumming around.

Barely speak to any of my family all month.. Although at least until Christmas and NYE..

That time will be a horror in disguise but I'll push through and enjoy every part as much as my body can.

No.. actually more than my body can..

I'm sure it'll be a better one next year..

I've learned so much! There's no way it'll be a repeat of the past. I've got it this year. I'll have a healthier life than just staying in bed 6 months or more.

Next year will be mine.

Is what I say, every time.

[eleanorbloom]

Marry My Lover (Bryce x Eleanor Proposal Headcanon)

A/N: Well, I thought I wouldn't do it because I was too invested with this fic, but I've been thinking adult life is so fucking hard that maybe I'll never find the time and inspo to finish this fic, so... well, why not realease it to the world as headcanon/very-poorly-written-fic. If later I find the inspo, maybe I'll write it, maybe not, but I think posting this will lift a heavy weight off me.

Please forgive me my grammar mistakes and poor english, I mean, I know it's not poor, but I went really basic here, other way I would've never finished writing this lol

Tagging my WYR readers, in case you're interested in reading this @curiousconch @romereadingshop @utterlyinevitable @lahellacute @chocopeppermintcake

Also this is sumbission for @openheartfanfics Weekly Trope Challenge, week 2: Weddings & Proposals (@openheartheadcanons)

Marry My Lover

Bryce had wanted to propose to Eleanor for a while, considering both spontaneous and prepared ways to do it.

One of the first ideas was proposing on a visit to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, as it was the place of their first date. But none of their shifts let them assist for a couple of weeks, so he decided to look for something less complicated.

As he saw their annual meeting with the gang was coming, he decided he would propose on that occasion. Surrounded by friends, the people who helped them get together and supported them in the most difficult times both personally and as a couple.

So he would propose at Donahue’s. With a song, no less. Marry Me by Bruno Mars. A cheerful song, Eleanor loved Bruno Mars and simply matched with the tone he wanted to have on the proposal. Happy and spectacular. He wanted to make her feel the luckiest, most loved woman on earth.

So when he decided what he would do, he shared the news with Sienna so she could help him orchestrate the event. He would arrive a bit later than Eleanor, Sienna would keep her distracted, and then whoop, Bryce would appear at the center of the bar singing the song.

On the day of the meeting, Bryce was in the locker room when he received a text from Sienna: “All set, B! We’re waiting for you”. He breathed deeply, excited and a bit nervous at the same time.

They had talked about marriage, about a life together thousands of times, but it was different just taking the step and doing it, of proposing marriage. Marriage. Damn.

But at the same time, it was just a confirmation of the love they had for each other. Their love that had grown exponentially, to unknown highs and depths in the three years they had been together, and he was sure that their love would keep growing and getting stronger with each day.

After getting ready, he texted Keiki: “Hey Keiks, are you there already?” “Oh, yeah, hidden in the parking lot, super spy.” “Awesome, I’m coming out of the locker room I’ll be there in five” “Okay”

Bryce didn’t want her to miss it for the world. Keiki would kill him if he let that happen. Luckily for both Bryce and Keiki, she was studying close to home, more than close. Cambridge. BS in Physics at MIT, so as she was living just a few minutes away from Boston, they saw each other pretty regularly, once a week or once every two weeks depending on how busy the three were.

Keiki was excited about it, but there was just this strange smirk on her. Bryce thought it was just the fact that her brother would propose to Eleanor at last.

Once at the bar, he greeted their friends, Elijah, coming from Chicago, Jackie, from Baltimore, and Sienna coming from New York. Aurora was the only one living in Boston, working at Brigham and Women’s Hospital as attending and part of the new Diagnostic Team there.

Everyone was happy but at the same time with this strange smirk, like they were hiding something.

“And Elle?” he asked.

A few moments after the question was made, a guitar started to play. He looked at the center of the bar, and found Eleanor, on a yellow dress, and matched hatband playing guitar and singing: We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January And this is our place, we make the rules And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

Bryce couldn’t believe his eyes. His ears. His skin. How a shiver ran down his spine, making tingle every inch of him; how his stomach fluttered at the sight of her there, beautiful and singing and… Surprising him.

It was Lover by Taylor Swift, because, how not, his girlfriend was a Swiftie since High School, so once a Swiftie, always a Swiftie.

Bryce knew almost every song of the last two albums she had released in the last couple of years because they had blasted the speakers of their home for weeks. Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever, ah Take me out, and take me home You're my, my, my, my lover

After singing the chorus, Eleanor handed the guitar to Rafael, who continued with the melody, and took the mic in one hand, singing the second verse as she started walking slowly towards him. We could let our friends crash in the living room This is our place, we make the call She took his hand on hers and softly pulled him to the center of the bar

And when Eleanor sang “And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you”, both chuckled knowingly, because they knew how true that was, wherever he goes, he enchants.

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

It had been three summers indeed and nor he or she couldn’t imagine a summer without each other.

Eleanor kept singing, every word with meaning, it was like the song was written for them, especially “I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover” Because who else on this planet was a magnetic force but him?

Bryce was beaming the whole song, smiling, laughing, biting his lip, showing how happy, flattered, incredulous and in love he was.

He couldn’t believe his luck. To this day, after more than three years, sometimes he still couldn’t believe he had the chance to love so much and be so loved. So happy, so free, so understood. And he would probably live this luck, this love, forever and ever with her.

When the song ended, Eleanor took out something from the pocket of her yellow dress. A velvet box. When she opened it, a silver ring with a diamond at the center shined under the multicolor lights of the bar. Eleanor took his hand in hers and kissed his knuckles softly before asking: “Bryce Lahela, mi amor, we both know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. In these three years you have made me nothing but happy. The happiest luckiest woman alive. I want that for the rest of our lives. Would you marry me?”

“Yes,” he said, eyes sparkling, shining so bright with emotions, with love, with adoration, with happiness, “Yes, babe, yes! The only thing I want is to spend the rest of my life with you!”

Everyone cheered, Sienna was crying, Kyra too, and even Keiki had shed a tear.

Eleanor put a ring on his finger and both kissed sweetly in the middle of the bar.

After a few moments, Bryce kissed her hand and chuckled, “Well, now it’s my turn.”

Eleanor stared confused at him, and when she heard him shouting “Música maestro!” she understood.

Eleanor couldn't believe it either. When the notes of Marry Me by Bruno Mars started playing, she covered her mouth with her hands just like Cecilia Bolocco when she won Miss Universe in 1986. “No way, love!” she squealed.

After a few verses, Bryce took her hand and turned her to the wall, where a video was playing. Videos of colleagues, nurses, even patients, with thumbs up singing along “Don't say no, no, no, no, no, Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah” Then, her parents showed up in the video, beaming as they sang along too. Even her grandparents from Chile, Ricardo and Ofelia, appeared in the video asking the same.” “Oh my god,” Eleanor couldn't hold it anymore and simply let the tears fall. Tears of joy, of happiness.

Then Bryce started to walk around the bar, singing with a persuasive tone, asking the patrons to join him in his singing, as if he had to convince her to marry him. Friendly patrons would nod and show their thumbs up and sing along for a couple of seconds.

Once the song ended, Bryce bend on one knee and took the velvet box out of the pocket of his pants, where a beautiful rose gold ring was there, with a round diamond at the center and smaller at the sides. “Well, you won me. This was my idea too, but you were faster, or maybe you had friends who took your side and decided to help you instead of me.” Everyone chuckled. “Or maybe she just asked before you did,” Jackie teased. “Either way, I’m honored and flattered, but I couldn’t miss the opportunity to propose to you. I mean, I’ve dreamed about this day practically since I met you.” “Awww, mi amor.” “I want all summers with you and all winters, especially winters so you can keep me warm on snowy nights.” Eleanor giggled, her eyes full of tenderness, “Of course, my love. Summer, fall, winter, spring, all of the seasons and all of the years I have left on this planet.” “Good. And you, Eleanor Andrea Bloom, would you marry me?” “Yes, my love, mi amor, sí, sí, yes!” Bryce put the ring on her finger, and again, people cheered and clapped. Keiki and Jackie whistled.

When Bryce and Eleanor got off the stage, the gang approached them, filling them with congratulations and hugs, and just love for the happy, recently-engaged couple. they disclosed how everything had happened -Eleanor indeed had asked help first, she had been practicing guitar for more than a month with the help of Rafael.

After a while, Bryce took Eleanor’s hand and led her to a quiet place so they could have a moment for themselves. They smiled and laughed without saying anything, still processing what had happened and trying to understand the happiness they were feeling. their hearts were simply overflowing with happiness and love. “You know? I can say people, mostly women, have asked me a lot of things in my life, some of them shocking, some of them rather cute, but never had a woman proposing to me, so this is a first. You're definitely a keeper.” “Oh, that's why you're agreeing to marry me?” she asked, feigning offense. “One of the four hundred million reasons, babe.” Eleanor smiled pensively, earnest, “You deserve everything, my love, everything. And that includes being proposed, because, damn, we’re too far from gender stereotypes and toxic masculinity.” “I agree.” “And because I really wanted you to know that I wanna marry you, and spend the rest of my life with you, just as much as you do.”

Completely spellbound by the sincerity of her love, now and always, Bryce simply bit his lip and leaned to plant a sweet kiss on her lips.

There was nothing else to do but be happy.

____

Ps: Here pics of Bryce and Eleanor engagement rings. I had the idea of a collage, but it would've also taken me a day to finish it, lol sorry

Thank you for reading! ❤

[artificialqueens]

How Far I'll Go - Part 2 (Nina West/Monet X Change) - Meggie, Mia Ugly

A/N: We have reworked Chapter One to reflect the events of the S11 reunion, so you may want to give it a reread. Can we FIX IT? Yes we can. 

(TW: REUNION SPOILERS)

Nina is in Columbus on the day he gets the call.

It’s his last show before Drag Con. He’s already going through dog-withdrawal. His boys will be fine of course but he fucking hates leaving them; as soon as he starts packing a suitcase they know something’s up and it breaks his heart.

Anyway. He’s glad to spend his last night at home in one of his favourite places in the world, surrounded by the people he loves. It’s only been a few days since the finale and reunion, and Nina’s feeling a bit raw about everything. He’d be lying if he said he hasn’t looked at Monet’s number in his phone several dozen times, contemplated what he could say to make his behaviour the morning after acceptable. The only things that come to his mind are lies (family emergency! food poisoning! traumatic brain injury after falling in the shower!) and Nina doesn’t do that. Much.

So.

It’s either own up and confess how he was feeling, or - pretend that number in his phone doesn’t exist. Maybe stare at it from time to time, sighing (before reminding himself that it was just one night and didn’t mean anything anyway). And then sigh some more and distract himself with peanut butter straight from the jar. You know - whatever results in the least amount of dignity possible.

Anyway.

The reunion is going to air tomorrow night, but Nina’s going to be on a plane as it happens. That’s fine, he knows how it all went down, and he doesn’t really need to see Brooke and Vanjie’s shy little love story unfold (and ultimately self-destruct) once again. He saw it all already, and firsthand. Picked up the pieces of Brooke’s shattered heart and whip-stitched them back together as best he could while the other chain-smoked and wallowed in denial and blame.

Nina’s sitting in the dressing room, paint mostly on but not in his dress (he’s doing “Let It Go” from Frozen with a full-on ice queen reveal because it’s been that kind of a month. Maybe he’s coming for Brooke’s gig, but maybe not.), and scrolling through Instagram when an unfamiliar number flashes white on the screen.

He’s used to this. The charity work means somehow a lot of people get his number - it’s not ideal, but it makes the work he’s doing worth it so he deals.  He’ll deal.

He slides his thumb across the screen, plasters on his best smile (it’s easier to be nice to people when you’re smiling), greets them with a cheery, “Hello!”

“Nina, this is Maya with World of Wonder. How are you this evening?”

His heart leaps to his throat. What could they want with him now? There are still two episodes of the show left to air, but publicity is almost all died down. And calling him instead of his manager?

“Good. Great!” he chokes out. “I’m… How are you?”

“Fine, thank you. I’m calling because I’d like to formally invite you to participate in season five of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars.”

The world? Stops. His heart? Pounds. His brain? Freezes.

All Stars . Another chance. Redemption.

“Yes!” he says immediately, too quickly, too enthusiastically, as soon as he can make his mouth work again. “Yes! When?”

On the other end of the line, Maya laughs, high and clear.

“Yay, that was an easy sell. We’re excited to have you back! We’ll be filming in late July, and you’ll receive further instructions by email. But please do remember that the terms of your verbal contract start now, so no one other than your emergency contact will be allowed to know you are participating. Reach out if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you!”

“Looking forward to seeing you again, Nina. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

And with a click, she’s gone. But Nina’s entire world has shifted on its axis. He just stands there in front of the mirror, unable to move, unable to think.

All Stars.

When they’d first asked him about it, way back in January when the Season 11 girls had first started doing promos, he’d given them a tentative yes.  He knew how big the platform was and wanted to make the most of it. But he’d also… not wanted to count his chickens, or something. You never know how America (or the world) will react to you (just ask Silky).  Maybe it’s vain, but Nina had wanted to see if they liked him, really liked him - like he’d hoped they would.

He couldn’t have imagined AOC going live to protest his elimination. Or Leslie Jones being so angry (he really does hope someone sent her a box of cookies) or Rihanna (Rihanna!) coming to his defense after that controversial lip-sync. Then his Miss Congeniality win. It was almost too much all at once.

He’d also figured they meant an All Stars far, far away. Like. Season eight. Or nine. Maybe even ten (if he’s still able to stomp around in heels without a walker at that point). Right after his own season? A pipe dream.

But it’s here, and it’s happening, and he’d be foolish not to take the opportunity that was presented to him. It’s the ultimate redemption story, and look at how beloved the All Stars winners are.

He ticks through them in his head: Chad, Alaska, Trixie, Trinity, Monet…

There, he falters. He usually just tries not to think about Monet, glowing golden and dripping in sequins and body silky smooth against his own. Best not to dwell when there isn’t any peanut butter in sight.

But who needs peanut butter when you’re an All Star?

He giggles, straight up lets a gleeful laugh reverberate through his chest and up through his nose and spread like honey, coating every surface in the small dressing room. Just once though, before he falls silent again. Studies his reflection in the mirror.

He might be in shock.

“Nina, you okay?” The evening’s MC (Luz, lovely person, really involved in the trans youth movement) is looking at him curiously from the doorway of the dressing room.

Nina blinks.  The phone is still in his hand. He knew this was a possibility, of course.  Just - you don’t know until you know - you know? Part of the reason he’s gotten this far (he always tells himself) is that he never assumes anything is a certainty.  He always counts on having to fight his way those last few feet to the finish line.

“Nina?”

“I’m in All Stars,” Nina says.

“What?” Luz squeaks, and Nina stumbles forward, grabbing her arm.

“I’m in All Stars.”

The other queens in the greenroom turn their heads in unison at the statement.

“I’m in All Stars,” Nina says again.

The queens stalk over to him with their hands on their hips, heels clicking in synchronized stomps on the linoleum floor.

And then Nina can hear music. (When did he put on his gown?) A brass band, a string section.  And the queens start singing:

“Nina West you’re going places

Always knew you’d make it far

Nina West you got that phone call

You are our All Star!”

“I am!” Nina gasps as he’s lifted up by the queens and carried out into the middle of the club. The dance floor is crowded but somehow the patrons are making a circle around him, moving in perfect rhythm.

“Nina West, sent home too early

Still e-lev-en-gendary.

Time to show the world you’re more than

Miss Congeniality!”

A group of drag kings by the pool table start spinning their cues over their heads like batons (so much talent in this community!)

“Brought camp to the masses, ” they sing in baritone.

Brought pride to our town,

We can’t wait to see you

Wearing that All Stars crown!”

“Thank you!” Nina is set down on the stage. Glitter starts falling from the ceiling, catching in his wig and eyelashes.

“Love you all,” he sings alone to the enraptured crowd, “you are my family,

I’ll make you proud and do my best.

We can change the world together

Go big, be kind, go West!”

“Go West!” the crowd sings back.

“Go Wessssssst!” Nina hits a perfect falsetto high note, throwing his arms open -

“Nina.”

Nina waves at the cheering crowd -

“Nina!”

Glitter keeps falling like snowflakes, ice cold and shimmering -

“Nina.  You okay?” Luz, the evening’s MC, is staring at him in the doorway of the greenroom.

Nina looks at her. There is no glitter in his eyelashes. There is no music playing in the background. Over his shoulder, a couple of bored local queens are penciling on their eyebrows. He’s wearing an old t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts and not the shimmering blue Elsa gown.

He’s still holding his cellphone in his hand.

“Um,” Nina says. “Yep.”

*****

Nina talks to Brooke a lot.

It makes sense; they’ve been friends for a long time, they really bonded during their season, Nina helped Brooke through his breakup with Vanjie (although Brooke insisted at the time he was fine. Still does, actually. Nina has his own theories about that, but he isn’t pushing).

So yeah. They chat. A lot.

And all Nina wants to do is tell Brooke about his All Stars call, but he can’t because of the damn NDA.

It’s frustrating.

They meet for breakfast early on the first day of Drag Con, Brooke in his customary black and white, Nina in a navy blue button up spotted with pink flamingos (it felt right).

They’ve no sooner settled into the booth and given their orders than Nina’s knee starts bouncing. Nerves. Anxiety. (Yes - both.)

“What’s with you?” Brooke asks while he sips his coffee. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up.”

Nina shrugs. “Nervous about the Con, I guess.”

“And?” Brooke’s eyes narrow.

“ And?”

“And what else?” He stirs another packet of sugar into the cup. “I know you. It’s not like you to be nervous about a networking opportunity.”

Nina scoffs. “Drag Con is way more than just a networking opportunity and I -”

“You’re a bad fucking liar. Takes one to know one.” Brooke leans his elbows on the table, cool as a Canadian autumn, presses his fingertips together, stares Nina down. “What’s going on?”

Nina sighs. “I wish I could tell you, trust me, it’s not that I don’t want to; it’s that I literally can’t.” He widens his eyes, hoping maybe Brooke will get the point.

Apparently it works, because after a few moments, recognition blooms across Brooke’s face and he laughs. “Really? Like. Officially really?”

Nina nods. This is okay, right? He’s not technically breaking the contract. It’s not like he told Brooke anything verbally.

“Nina! That’s - oh my god!” Then Brooke is busily tapping away at his phone and a sense of dread overcomes Nina.

“You can’t tell anybody - “

Brooke waves him off. “I’m just telling Vanjie.”

Okay, that’s - something to come back to certainly, but - more pressing matters first. “Brooke, seriously. You can’t tell anybody. I’m not supposed to tell anybody.”

“You didn’t.” Brooke shrugs. Good to know at least they share the same sentiment about verbal contracts. That might come in handy during litigation. “I figure the House of West has a lot of prove, and you’ve never backed down from a challenge. So I know you’ll bring it and… I just kind of wanted to give the competition a heads up.” He bites his lip and waits for Nina to process.

And - look, it takes him a minute. Because it’s really a lot of information at one time.

Item 1: Brooke and Vanjie are still close. He knew that. Everybody with Twitter and Instagram knew. (Hell, for a little while, even Nina wasn’t 100% sure they weren’t still together.) Close enough for Vanessa to tell Brooke about an All Stars call when legally sworn to utmost secrecy?

Yeah, actually, that tracks. Vanjie’s shit at keeping secrets, and he’s still indescribably in love with Brooke, only an idiot (like Brooke) wouldn’t see that. So. Do the math.

Item 2: Vanjie is back back back on Drag Race. For the third season in a row. And the bitch can turn it. Nina doubts very much there will be 47 swimsuits, pasties, panties, and bras this time around. He’s a little intimidated, if he’s being quite honest.

Okay, so it’s really only two points of information, but it’s two very large points that have a big, pointy impact on his life. Which leads to:

Item 1: Nina had been relieved and happy when Brooke and Vanessa were able to start talking again after the breakup. They’d been using him as a middle man - a mediator, he preferred (far less tacky) - and although he loved them both, it was exhausting. And he could only say, “I think you should just talk to him and not me,” so many times before he got frustrated. But he had persevered and eventually, Brooke had texted Vanjie and they’d started to repair their friendship.

Go figure that. Nina’s inner saboteur is back, has been back since the night of the finale taping, the night he spent with Monet. He hates it. Wishes he could cut into himself and carve it out like a cancer. Adults talking through their issues and handling shit. Who knew it was possible?

So he should have texted Monet. Fine - it’s fine. Water under the… thing.

Item 2: Who else is on All Stars? If Nina’s being really honest, he’s been on cloud nine about the whole thing, and hasn’t given much thought to who else could be competing. He has his dream cast, of course, and a long list of Ru girls he’d love to work with. But the thought of competing against the Very Best of the Very Best is… Well, he’s shook. To say the least.

His face must convey it because Brooke reaches across the table and takes his hand. “Hey. You deserve this, Nina.”

He nods, tears hot in his eyes, and wills himself not to cry. “I bet you told Vanjie the same thing,” he says, voice catching a bit in his throat.

“I did.” Brooke laughs, unashamed of his affection, even when it’s blinding. “I also told him he was crazy for doing three seasons in a row but…” He holds out his hands, shrugs, as if to say it isn’t his responsibility anymore. Nina knows he’s probably right, but deep down he suspects that Brooke and Vanjie are far more entangled than they like to think, and Brooke’s opinion means more to Vanessa than either one of them will care to admit.

Relationships are messy.

Anyway.

“Do you think I should have said no?” Nina asks,  afraid for the answer. “Taken a break? Focused on the charity? Ridden the first-year wave a little longer?”

“Hell no!” Brooke responds immediately. “Take the opportunity. People fucking adore you, Nina. Plus, look at Monet! She won right after her season so. It can be done.”

Nina considers, briefly, telling Brooke about the whole tangled Monet thing. Decides, instead, to deflect. “So, um. That guy you took back to your room after the finale… the beardo… character.  How is… that going?”

Brooke raises an eyebrow at him. “This is really what you want to talk about right now?”

“It’s just good to see you moving on.” (Is it though? Is it really?)

Brooke rolls his eyes and smiles into his coffee. “What about you? Any romance on the horizon for Nina West?”

“No.” Nina snorts. “It’s been…” Three days, eight hours, and - he glances at his watch - one minute. Approximately. Not that he’s counting. “A while. Let’s just say a while.”

Brooke’s mouth quirks to the side and his left eye twitches the tiniest bit. “Well.” He places his mug on the table and smiles at Nina. “I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunities on tour. We’ll get you on Tinder and Grindr! Trade in every city, Nina.”

Actually, Nina usually prefers to go back to his room and shower for about 45 minutes before collapsing into bed and sleeping until his alarm goes off the next morning. Finding someone to sleep with and then actually fucking them? That seems exhausting. Better to let Brooke take that one on himself (seems like that’s his preferred coping strategy).

And Nina is in no place to judge coping strategies, so despite any - concerns he might feel (the lines beneath Brooke’s eyes, the nicotine stains on his hands, that thing he does with his face that makes Nina want to hug him) he keeps his mouth shut.

He’s getting awfully good at the whole not-speaking-up thing. It’s not his best look. Not at all.

*****

On the air-conditioned floors of Drag Con, Nina gets to shake hands and hug people from all across the country, children to teenagers to tiny old grannies with walkers. It’s a completely surreal and humbling experience; he can’t get over the way it feels to have people know his name, people thank him for doing something that he loves.

And he gets to meet up again with so many of the queens he’s crazy about, queens he never thought would give a shit about him. It’s so nice seeing Adore again, she’s exactly the kind of person he wishes he had the guts to be when he was her age. And Peppermint is everything and Miss Fame is like an actual goddess in person as well as on television and then there’s James St. James -  it’s a lot.

It almost feels like a trip to Disneyland but gayer (a bit) and with more neuroses.

There’s a weird moment with Miz Cracker, which is unexpected –Nina’s been a stan since Season 10, watches her recaps religiously.  He didn’t think they were going to be best friends or anything (all right, maybe he thought they’d get there eventually) but when he introduces himself she basically stares right through him, says nothing, and starts to walk away. Luckily Vanjie is with her, so Nina embraces him to dissipate the awkward tension. He and Vanjie have a mini-meltdown over how in love they are with each other, and after Cracker is well out of earshot, Vanjie gives Nina a look.

“She feeling some type of way about you, hey? You steal her man or something?”

“Absolutely not.” Nina’s a bit hurt – he was legitimately excited about meeting Cracker – but she’s entitled to an off day. Or to just plain not like him (though who doesn’t like him? He’s bloody endearing, like a Labrador puppy).

Anyway, not to overdo the animal comparisons, but water off a duck’s back.

He doesn’t see Monet at the Con. Which is - probably for the best. Nina doesn’t avoid him but - he doesn’t go looking for him either. And really, he barely gets a moment to sneak away from his booth, so it isn’t like he’s a total garbage person. He doesn’t throw himself to the ground or anything at the sight of Monet coming toward him, his life hasn’t yet reached the level of pure farce.

It’s barely been a week anyway; Nina’s still figuring out how to appropriately apologize (appropriately apologize without coming across like a pathetic sad-sack who has maybe thought about that night a bit more than could be considered ‘casual’).

So. Space. Time. Possibly a time machine. All or any of them will work.

The Con ends on a high note and Nina basically goes on tour immediately after, doing a lot of PR for the season and his albums. In New York he finally meets Leslie Jones and loses his mind. He kind of floats through the next two months, lets himself be buoyed up by the love and support of his community, lets it erase the insecurities that wound like thorns around his heart after Season 11.

He travels, he makes people laugh. It’s what he’s good at. It’s how he’s survived.

When he’s not working, he’s practicing his sewing and designing and bribing his witchy seamstress friends into helping him put some new looks together. Somehow the days tick by too quickly. Spring ends, and summer breaks scalding over Ohio. Nina’s packing up his bags and hugging people goodbye and crying ( not really, but just don’t look at him for a minute) over his dogs.

And getting on a plane to L.A.

Being on set is familiar but also kind of panic inducing. Nina didn’t realize how differently he carried himself when he was getting ready to be filmed until his spine straightened helplessly and he suddenly realized he had arms. His body remembers how intense this experience was (is) even if his brain doesn’t.

He’s dressed in a (non-copyright infringing) version of Woody from Toy Story, sequined and cinched and proportionized, just like Michelle would want. Maya the P.A. hugs him, introduces him to the sound guy who hooks up his microphone, taping it just under Nina’s neckline (“At least buy me dinner first!” Nina says with a shrill, nervous laugh, and the sound guy doesn’t even flinch, clearly having heard it before. Nina may actually have said the same thing last season. It - might also have been the same sound guy).

“You ready?”

Nina is ready. He adjusts her cowboy hat, shifts her fringed leather belt and the sequined holsters for her bubble guns.

Then the lights are on him, and the cameras are rolling, and Nina pulls down the shutters on his insecurity (make ‘em laugh, it’s what he does).

“Hey y’all. I’m here to show you how the West was Won.”

Nina West struts into the werkroom, bubble guns at the ready, and the rest is herstory.

[thelovingschool]

The Fantastic Four to the Fourth Power, Part 1

I've recently finished Doris Kearns Goodwin's excellent book, Leadership in Turbulent Times, in which she details the ways in which four US presidents served as leaders through pivotal historical moments. I reaffirmed my admiration for Abraham Lincoln, as Goodwin discusses his push to make the Emancipation Proclamation a reality. I was invigorated by the way in which Teddy Roosevelt used the executive branch of government to benefit the citizens of the northeast USA during the Coal Miners' Strike of 1902. I gained new appreciation, wonder, and awe in the way that Franklin Delano Roosevelt led the country during his first 100 days in office in the middle of the Great Depression. I came to greatly respect the legislative leadership of Lyndon Johnson as he pushed the most dramatic and beneficial domestic agenda, his Great Society, including the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1965. Whatever else Johnson may have done or not done, particularly as it relates to foreign policy and the Vietnam War, his impact on the lives of the citizens in the USA cannot be discredited.

Reading about these four presidents as they grew up, faced challenges ranging from losing elections to losing family members to losing the ability to walk, and ultimately served in the highest office of the nation to great effect was a wonderful experience. I was struck by the common themes that ran through all four of the presidents' leadership challenges. Synthesizing the lessons learned from all presidents, it seems that a leader during turbulent times must:

Have a clear sense of purpose

Adapt along the way to achieving that purpose

Build a solidly functioning team

Pay attention to messaging and timing

Build in time for yourself

Having a clear sense of purpose -- In the summer of 2020, three amazing principals, Sanee Bell, Brian McCann, and Beth Houf gave a phenomenal webinar as part of the virtual National Principals Conference. Beth shared a story of her superintendent bringing the principals in her district together at the beginning of the pandemic and asking them all to spend some time thinking about their purpose, their "why" before sharing them as a group. (Beth's "why" was maintaining relationships with students.) Other leaders have focused on the importance of having a clear purpose, including and especially Baruti Kafele. As we've all learned, what was true before the pandemic only has become exaggerated during the pandemic, and so the need for a clearly defined sense of purpose is truly vital now. My "why" during the pandemic has been to ensure that the teachers with whom I'm lucky enough to work are supported with what they need to be as effective as possible given the challenges of the pandemic.

Be adaptive along the way -- As I've already written, I am a student of philosophy as well. One of my favorite professors, Father Joe Flanagan, was a huge Socrates' fan, and every college freshman can tell you that Socrates is famous for noting how little he knew. In order to achieve your purpose, it's important to accept that we don't have all of the answers, and we will need to continually learn and grow as we work toward our goals. I have personally learned a great deal from the work of Ron Heifetz as he discusses Adaptive Leadership. Without going into another book report (I want to save that for another post), in order to be an adaptive leader, one must understand that the leadership challenge you're facing is not simple to fix, and will require a great deal of learning. Back to that webinar at NPC20, Sanee discussed how even the simple question "how are you?" carries new meaning during the pandemic. If you're going to ask that question, you need to be prepared that you might not get a quick response back. It might even be the start of a very long conversation, and that is OK. We as leaders will need to spend time maintaining those relationships empathetically throughout the pandemic.

Similarly, I realized that while I work hard to build positive culture in my school, supporting teachers during this pandemic is something I simply didn't know how to do. I'm very fortunate to be taking a course through ASCD on supporting educator mental health. The lessons I'm learning have been immediately applicable with the team at our school. Adapting along the way means sometimes changing tactics based on new information, but if you aren't seeking out that new information you won't be able to get where you're going.

Build a solid team -- It goes without saying that none of us can do our jobs alone anymore. None of us ever really could before, either. In The Long Distance Leader, summarized here, authors Kevin Eikenberry and Wayne Turmel talk about the important of relying on your team and supporting your team throughout the times when you won't physically be together. The principal I currently work with centered his entry plan three years ago on creating and maintaining a strong divisional leadership team, and he has taught me so much over the course of our partnership. While pandemic economic circumstances have meant our partnership is to come to an end in a couple of months, I am headed to my own first principalship this August, and I feel extremely fortunate. When I asked the Head of School at my future school what he is proudest of (this is his first year there), he said that had he been able to create a leadership team from his 30 years of experience in international schools, he couldn't have created a better team than the one he inherited. That is exactly the kind of joyful, strengths-based, empowering, and collaborative leader I want to work with, and knowing that he shared that information in front of members of the leadership team shows that he is willing to give credit and appreciate his team.

I heard Ben Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, share his insight about leading, that people come to the symphony to hear music, and yet he as conductor is the only member of the orchestra who doesn't make a sound. We as leaders are strengthened by the strengths of our team. We know from the extensive literature out there and our own experience how important it is to have trust on a team, and I'll simply relate something one of my own teammates once said at a previous school about our grade-level team of teachers: "We know each other, so we like each other, so we support each other as we work together."

Messaging Matters -- I can't say it any better than Will Parker does in his book, which my partner principal and I have been learning from all year. Similarly, I loved hearing Joe Sanfelippo at the NPC in Boston in 2019 talk about the importance of shaping the narrative about education, because unless we as school leaders shape the narrative, others are going to fill in the blanks with a negative story. For me, the best example of positive storytelling about school comes from Brian McCann. His article in the latest Principal Leadership magazine is one more example of the ways in which Brian models not just for his teachers, but for the larger professional learning community to which he belongs. In fact, utilizing Brian's idea of Positive Sign Thursday is one of the factors that enabled me to land my next job, so I'm extremely appreciative. The point in all of these examples is of course a lesson that Lincoln knew 160 years ago, that it is through story that we can best communicate our purpose. It's not always easy, finding the balance between too much communication and too little, between being optimistically realistic as opposed to toxically positive, but if we as leaders aren't attending to messaging, we'll lose our chance to build a positive culture.

As an example, we committed to maintaining contact with our families during this school year and having the chance to get feedback from them at least once a month. We did extensive work in August, had a check in virtual town hall during September, and had individual and small group conferences with teachers and students in October. Things were going well. But, as November came along and fatigue set in, we stopped being as intentional about meeting systematically with our parent body, and by the time January rolled around we started to receive emails that were letting us know that we weren't opening up a space for all voices in the community to be heard, and that was leading to speculation and unrest. We're still very fortunate to have a caring community that share ideas in respectful ways, and we have since re-instituted those intentional communication systems at a minimum monthly, and are therefore back to where we had been, but the lesson around the intentionality of messaging is well learned.

As the above example illustrates, timing matters as well. The presidents often had to be wise about when to act and when not to act, when to send messages and when to not send messages. I think of the West Wing episode when President Bartlet's team discusses sending out unpleasant news on Friday afternoons, or "the trash" because no one reads the news on Saturday mornings. Or I think of how fantastic it has been to be able to, just within the last couple of years, schedule emails to be sent at certain times. Of course there are times that I am working late into the evening, but I would feel terrible in the past when I would send out an email at 10 p.m. and get an immediate response from a teacher. There are studies out there that emails received at 6 a.m. are most likely to be read, and my guess is emails received at 10 p.m. are most likely to make you think your principal is a jerk!

Time and Space for Yourself -- Thinking about the presidents, Lincoln would go to the theater or read comedy aloud, Teddy Roosevelt would take strenuous walks, FDR collected stamps. Only Lyndon Johnson had no real outlet activity, and I wonder, if he had been better at taking care of himself throughout his presidency, might he have attended to foreign policy better. Few topics have gotten more press in the educational world lately than self-care for educators, and this is a focus area in the ASCD course I'm taking as well. I am also fortunate to be a part of a group of school leaders that gather for virtual instructional "rounds" periodically, organized by a former professor at Lehigh, Jon Drescher. Self-care came up at the most recent Rounds I attended, and to be honest I find this so difficult. "If we are always working from home, and we're always home, aren't we always working?" was the question I posed, and I have had real trouble answering this. Heifetz and Linsky talk about anchoring yourself by having a confidant to talk with and a sanctuary, be it a ritual, an activity, or a place to disconnect from the demands of the job.

This was especially challenging for me in 2020, as I know it was for many of us, as the hours spent on screens and away from my normal rituals of walking and playing the piano were disrupted by the sheer demands on the job. I've gained thirty pounds in the past year, and I physically don't feel like myself. More importantly, emotionally I have struggled at times. I have been exploring different ways to recover, and like Lincoln I find comedy is helpful. If I can get in a good laugh before bed I sleep better, whether that's watching old clips of Robin Williams doing standup or Netflixing Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. At this point I'll try anything and everything so that I can begin, now that the pandemic is hopefully turning a corner, to feel like myself again.

Part of feeling like myself again is the ability to create something, to produce, based on one of my favorite activities: reading! It's been a joyful experience reading the Goodwin book and the Heifetz/Linsky book, and trying to apply the lessons learned from both to my current role and point in my career. My next post will combine another of my great loves, Harry Potter. Stay tuned to find out which president fits in which house; Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw! Thanks for reading.