#I'll probably delete this later but yeah

[studyblr-perhaps]

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[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

I'm just gonna cope by rewatching all my amvs thanks

[roxannepolice]

Yk, hands down my biggest problem interacting with any fandom, but especially DW, is that I literally can't even begin to understand approaching a character independently of the writing. Like, the statement "This is a great character, just poorly written" is straight up an oxymoron to me. I sometimes get the impression there's this weird belief in a platonic ideal-like "true history" version of a character that got denigrated by hostile chroniclers and [insert hegemony-adjacent adjective] Hollywood directors or something. Belief based mainly on the fact the actor did what they do for a living. Which is just. Again, something I can't even begin to process.

[northstarscowboyhat]

Perhaps the several month long art style crisis was not warranted.

[essenceofarda]

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[pekoeboo]

man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.

idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;

[b4kuch1n]

haha! bit ill

[byanyan]

honestly bold of me to be intimidated by the number of my drafts when my inbox looks like this

[nervocat]

I want to delete my account.... disappear for a bit........ but I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T I PROMISE

[wingsofhcpe]

nah man tumblr & the Internet in general have ruined my perception of how real life actually works, because my dad was yelling at me and I messaged my mum telling her what happened bc I really needed to vent in order to not fight back and make everything worse, and after I sent the messages I immediately felt bad and thought "wait what if I'm overstepping by venting to her without her permission. is this traumadumping?"

about my mum

I FELT GUILTY ABOUT VENTING TO MY MUM. Who loves me and always listens to me. Who's there for me.

The Internet has convinced me I needed my loving mother's permission to share my pain with her or else I'd be lowkey abusive to her.

And people think that's in any way normal, they need help.

[fragmentedblade]

I think I've become an official HI3 player. I check the HSR leaks hoping for iterations of HI3 characters now

[kyuhu]

anyway I set up a queue for the remaining rereblog challenge posts because I'm not having a good time and maybe need to deinstall tumblr from my phone again to feel better

[flamingskull28]

4 (with an overly smug face): "Are you a bounce pad? Cuz I want to jump up and down on you."

3: "Okay that's a good pickup line but I don't think it's appropriate at a briefing...."

[purpurussy]

literally haven't eaten anything all day (it's gone 7pm) or been outside in several days or slept more than 4 hours/night in the last week so im probably just being insane for no reason atm but

i feel like I'm at a weird sort of crossroads with this blog?

when i made this account i saw it as kind of an experiment in vulnerability and positivity. i said i'm gonna try my best to post what's in my heart and not care whether it does numbers or not. if people like it they like it, if not that's okay because i like it and i'm having fun. and i'm gonna practise some kind of general radical positivity/acceptance towards others too. like i promised myself i would not allow this to be anything other than a positive experience, a nice opportunity to express myself in a way that's disconnected from how people see me irl and maybe connect with likeminded people along the way

and once i started writing fic i literally couldn't stop, like the idea of being able to share my writing and have other people enjoy it too is so exciting and motivating to me. there is so much happening in my google docs atm and it feels so good to be writing again after years of feeling too depressed to create anything

however unfortunately i am the grumpiest most insecure person on earth and i have never let go of anything in my life. i've already been unable to stop myself from wading into discourse™ and the general social media fomo/insecurity is starting to get to me. like when did i go from just gleefully shouting into the void, to constantly checking my activity, trying to figure out the best times to post, literally crying when my stuff doesn't do as well as i wanted it to??? taking note of which posts flopped and which ones did well, so i can post more of the popular content instead of just posting what i want. none of this is even real, yet it's been bothering me in a very real way. most of which is just my brain turning it into a negative experience for fully self-imposed reasons

i do think social media is poison in general. and i know it does not work at all for someone who is very prone to having a complete menty b at the first sign of any kind of rejection. and i know a big part of the problem is that i'm attaching too much value to this blog and how people respond to my posts (I have been connecting with my friends irl more lately, but social media is literally designed to prey on the part of your brain that perceives social rejection as a threat to your existence so unfortunately it feels like this matters to me a lot more than it should. also my irls do not want to hear about dan and phil lmao)

idk if i should just accept that this is not good for me and delete, or if it's possible to once again achieve the carefree fun i was having at first. maybe if i can work on my irl issues i'll start to feel a bit better and then it won't bother me as much?

i'm also sort of wondering how much i should reveal about myself? like i want to feel completely free to post as much cringe/insanity/weird smut as I want. and if i was posting in a way that would be easily traceable back to my actual identity then i'd definitely be a lot more careful with what i say. but on the other hand i wanna get to know people better! it would be fun to hop into a discord and actually have a conversation with people rather than just rambling in the tags on their posts. so i'm not really sure what to do with that either. it's kinda fun to truly exist as a completely formless entity in a way, like im literally just tumblr dot com slash purpurussy and there's something freeing about that, even if it does make me feel like i'm missing out on a chance to connect with people properly sometimes

also that idea scares me! everyone on here is genuinely so cool and wonderful and it gives me such a huge dopamime hit when someone i admire likes my stuff. so it's just scary to interact with people more because it feels like oh no they're gonna realize im actually a cantankerous little troll that lives under a bridge and is a nightmare to talk to lmfao

this makes no sense and i'll probably delete it in a bit i just had to get it off my chest

[wastemanjohn]

on the subject of how friend breakups hurt just as much as romantic breakups... i'm sure someone was on the subject somewhere lmao... i'm having sads tonight even if it was fucking ages ago technically and its my own fault bc I read through some messages idk why i havent deleted... or why i did that. meh. i need a good everything shower and an early night.

[moonchild-in-blue]

Anyways. Enough thirsting. Since I won't be able to sleep anytime soon anyways I'll just be here listening to my soft playlist. Cus I can already feel the sadness creeping in again 👍