#I'll probably delete this later but yeah

[studyblr-perhaps]

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[luciolefire]

a quiet reminder that telling people to commit suicide is never okay for any reason

if someone on the internet is posting shit you don't like, you block them and move on. (with obvious exceptions for, like, grooming or doxxing real people. that's a different situation with different consequences.)

repeated callout posts, anonymous hate asks, reposting their art just to talk about how much you hate it.... this is ridiculous. spend your time on something more productive than yelling at an online stranger. if anything, you're only encouraging them.

[eterosis]

I want to send random asks to my moots all the time and annoy them endlessly but what if they actually get annoyed. What then. I would honestly just end my existence on this world if this happened.

Why am I so obsessed with my moots vro I actually got attached to y'all more than to my friends that I knew since I was a child

Sigh

[roxannepolice]

Yk, hands down my biggest problem interacting with any fandom, but especially DW, is that I literally can't even begin to understand approaching a character independently of the writing. Like, the statement "This is a great character, just poorly written" is straight up an oxymoron to me. I sometimes get the impression there's this weird belief in a platonic ideal-like "true history" version of a character that got denigrated by hostile chroniclers and [insert hegemony-adjacent adjective] Hollywood directors or something. Belief based mainly on the fact the actor did what they do for a living. Which is just. Again, something I can't even begin to process.

[bizarrelittlemew]

idk maybe it was foolishly optimistic of me to believe that if i pulled myself together and spent hours updating that post with new links and resources and answering all those asks about it and changing my ask box title i wouldn't have to hear any more about those broken links i can't do shit about. but yeah that was stupid ig

[essenceofarda]

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[northstarscowboyhat]

Perhaps the several month long art style crisis was not warranted.

[pekoeboo]

man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.

idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;

[b4kuch1n]

haha! bit ill

[byanyan]

honestly bold of me to be intimidated by the number of my drafts when my inbox looks like this

[wingsofhcpe]

nah man tumblr & the Internet in general have ruined my perception of how real life actually works, because my dad was yelling at me and I messaged my mum telling her what happened bc I really needed to vent in order to not fight back and make everything worse, and after I sent the messages I immediately felt bad and thought "wait what if I'm overstepping by venting to her without her permission. is this traumadumping?"

about my mum

I FELT GUILTY ABOUT VENTING TO MY MUM. Who loves me and always listens to me. Who's there for me.

The Internet has convinced me I needed my loving mother's permission to share my pain with her or else I'd be lowkey abusive to her.

And people think that's in any way normal, they need help.

[fragmentedblade]

I think I've become an official HI3 player. I check the HSR leaks hoping for iterations of HI3 characters now

[kyuhu]

anyway I set up a queue for the remaining rereblog challenge posts because I'm not having a good time and maybe need to deinstall tumblr from my phone again to feel better

[flamingskull28]

4 (with an overly smug face): "Are you a bounce pad? Cuz I want to jump up and down on you."

3: "Okay that's a good pickup line but I don't think it's appropriate at a briefing...."

[take-it-all-out-w-me]

Alright. I thought i was going to explain Butcher Vanity first, but Hansel... Has some effect on me. For many reasons.

I've liked Sodikken for some time, at least two years by now. I came across I Hope You're Hungry and I've liked their songs ever since.

When I listened Hansel and payed attention to the lyrics I immediately felt related, and it has become one of my favourite songs.

And so, it's a bit hard to explain without sounding like I'm making a presentation for college of some sort, but I can try...

I'm going to try and explain each lyric with something that has happened to me or I just relate to, so I suppose this will be long. Pretty easy, isn't it? I'll continue.

"I like bike riding, it's oh so exciting" "Much better than fighting with all who come near me" —

Everyone who knows me irl knows that i have anger issues (even though they decide to just ignore it), making me get defensive pretty easily, even more when it comes to talking to strangers or people I'm not used to.

I can misunderstand words, gestures, expressions, tone of their voice, etc, which can lead to me getting defensive even when they meant no harm. Or, when it's worse, I can get defensive just by someone getting near me. About the bike riding line; although that's not one of my hobbies, it could be easily applicable with any other (like drawing, in my case), as a way to find enjoyment and feel something besides annoyance.

—

"Rope's getting tighter, my hands on the lighter" — I like to see this line as something more metaphorical, i'll try to explain: The ropes might be getting tighter around the neck (more like a metaphor for stress and their mental health getting to a worrying point), having a lighter may mean that they're about to do something risky or impulsive.

"I'm playing with fire, you'd better come save me" — I like to think of this one as some way of trying to get attention, specifically from the people around me -(family mainly)- by providing somewhat worrying signs, to try and get them to actually understand the situation -(this line was easier to explain than i thought, huh).

—

"That there's my sister, yeah you couldn't miss her" - "That big facial blister, her pity getting scheme" - "I think I hate her" - "Those green alligators, i wish they'd had ate her" — I think this one is extremely clear with what I'm going to say...

Honestly, I want to have a good relationship with my sister, but she's what I used to be but even worse. She doesn't leave me alone, she's been blackmailing me with things I did years ago since 2019-2024 and always victimize herself. I got extremely used to it by now, but it's one of the reasons I feel defensive and on edge 24/7.

The 'i wish they'd had ate her' part resonates with me a lot, where I wish she didn't get planned at all, or at least I wish she had been educated correctly, instead of letting her do whatever she wants to anyone.

—

"If that happened you'd see-"

"That there's a part of me that's appealingly sweet, I'm sure you'd agree if you got to know me" - "And admittedly, I'm not that interesting, but i'll let you have what's mine if you just give me your time" — This explains itself really well.

I don't consider myself a shitty person, but I also don't consider myself a good person. Which ends up being confusing to the people around me.

If I say I don't consider myself a good person - 'Oh then I guess it is the best to just get away from you.'

But if I say I don't consider myself a bad person either - 'You probably are tho, you wouldn't be saying you don't consider yourself a good person if not.'

It's frustrating. No one actually tries to get to know me better, or to give me time to get used to them at the very least. No, I don't blame them if they decide to leave after knowing me better, because I totally understand if someone decides that I'm unstable and so they don't want to be near me for longer than five minutes. At least I just want them to understand that I'm not moody and unstable all the time, I think I have many love that I'd like to give, but it's just hard. Really hard.

—

"If there's a party today, it's not coming my way" — I just don't like parties. I don't like to meet people in that kind of places (besides that I'm not good at socializing), and I don't want to mess it up for the others. I'm not precisely known for being in a good mood or for making people happy. It's also really related to my isolation problems and such.

—

"Should be needless to say that I need things to change" — This one explains itself as well. I need MANY things to change; relationships of every kind, my surroundings, etc.

—

"Remember yesterday?" "I bought you flowers, you threw them away." — Although it essentially doesn't have to do with flowers or anything like that, I like to think of this line as all the times I've let me be myself around people who I thought that understand me, only to get it throw to the trash.

Many people I met were extremely kind and understanding in the first few months, but then started acting all distant/rude to me all of a sudden, but it was right after I started to try to act a bit more like myself (or what I thought I was in those moments), and it that ended up badly. Now I'm pretty insecure about myself, feeling that every relationship will end the same way.

—

(There are some other lyrics that I will skip because I don't really relate with them, which is what I'm trying to explain for now.)

—

"I'm an unknown breed, unsprouted seed"

"A hot spring with its waters frozen over by your cold mentality"

"If it's grief, you need, here, take my spleen"

"I'm gonna bleed all over the floor, and more until you remember me" — Alright these are a little bit more complex to explain, mainly because I'm not sure of how to put it in words.

The first line is a bit of how I see myself, not much to explain about it. It's just of how I think that I have potential yet I don't try to exploit it because of the opinions others have given me.

The second line is more about my family. They have a really closed mentality, and so they don't let me explore my mind, ideas, etc, because 'we don't want you to go to hell.'

The last two lines are more about my self-destruction. But the last one is self-destruction from an attachment, wanting one specific person to remember my existence to stop feeling so shitty, or, in other words, to stop 'bleeding on the floor' (ruining myself, my healthy coping mechanisms, and the others).

—

"I like bike riding, it can be exciting" — This is kinda how I've been feeling with my hobbies. It's not 'Oh I really like this thing!' anymore, it's just 'Yeah, I guess I still like this thing', to make it simple. This one was really easy to explain.

"But I'm through with hiding, you're gonna think I'm crazy" — I'm just tired of hiding myself, my emotions, my love towards someone else, my problems, EVERYTHING from people, but I will end up convincing myself that the others will think that I'm crazy or that I have severe problems. More severe than I actually have, and then they will judge for that.

—

"Swallowing swords now, too bad I don't know how" — I think of this one as a where the mental health starts getting words, where I started to do more risky things even though I was really young and inexperienced, only to try and draw attention to me or feel something.

"I'm juggling knives-" "OW!" - "Three fingers that cost me" — When everything got even worse. My organs and body are really messed up from everything I've consumed/done to myself, which cost me my physical and mental health along with some people that were really important in my life (I won't go into detail, because those guys don't really matter anymore. I realized how toxic they were, and I think it's better that they're not with me anymore, even if it hurt in the moment it happened).

—

(I'm going to skip another lyric, because I'm not sure of how to explain it. I'll maybe explain it separately in the future.)

"Lower the bar 'cus I'm choking on stardust" "Becoming a carcass, though pain's rather tasty!" — I've always had expectations of myself, REALLY high expectations. Although I slowly got out of that mentality, my family just refuses to do the same. They're always choking me with expectations of what they want me to be. They want to change my personality, the things I like, the clothes I wear, etc, etc. I'm tired of that...

I feel like I'm slowly becoming a carcass, my mind and my body. Feeling like each day I'm closer to collapsing one way or another.

—

(Here the part where I explain that I'm not all anger and such repeats, so let's just go on.)

"With myself I must play in this game of charades"

"Cus there's no one to speak to of things I've got in my brain" — I'm really lonely and I have no one to vent (irl, of course), and it slowly makes me feel worse. It started to get bad around 2020-2019, and it only has gotten worse with each month.

I've made it really clear to my family, that I genuinely want someone to listen to me, but they just brush it off or tell me that I have a diary. (Yeah, REALLY SIMILAR THING ISN'T IT). They do not care about my mental health unless it troubles my family and their reputation.

—

"There's nothing particular I need you to say, at least care to see if I'm okay." — This is just mostly directed at my mom. Nothing else to explain.

—

"Watch me now play with pointy things"

"Look, see, isn't it interesting?" — These two lines are just me doing more risky things to try and make the others pay attention to me and actually take me to a professional, instead they just told me that I was stupid for hurting myself and that I would change my mind eventually.

"No, you're not even listening, is that not brave enough for you?" — 'Was that not bad enough for you? You prefer me to do something worse?' In simple words, I'm tired of them brushing off my problems because 'that's not how someone with an illness would behave, they would suffer in silence', I WAS THO.

—

"As flies are drawn to the rotting cheese, are sadists attracted to misery" — They always thought that I liked to make myself or other people suffer, or that I just didn't choose correct people because 'yeah I like misery'. No matter how much I tried to explain them, they would NEVER listen at all, and would put up excuses or put words in my mouth.

"In this case, that's another word for me, so I'll bost the danger times two -or maybe three-" — Yes everything only gets worse.

—

"Just red paint? Babe, this ain't pretend" — They started to say that I was just pretending to have an illness because I wanted privileges (excuse me- WHAT PRIVILEGES?), or started saying that I was only exaggerating my problems, and that I'll feel better soon, and that I only wanted attention and pity, even if that wasn't the case at all.

"How I long for your arms again?" — I just want hug in general. I've never gotten a hug that felt real or that who was giving it actually cared about me. So I'm just waiting to find someone who will hug me and that it won't feel fake.

—

"I might loose me a leg or head, maybe you would believe me then" — I've always thought that they won't notice that there's actually something wrong with me until something bad happens. I'm still not planning suicide or an attempt or anything, but I JUST KNOW that they'll refuse to understand unless something happens and it's too late.

—

Alright, I won't explain the rest of the lyrics because they are just extremely obvious on why I relate to them, so I don't think is necessary.

Honestly, I wish someday I will stop relating to this song, then it will be when I'm actually happy or satisfied with my life and stuff...

But who cares, no one will ACTUALLY read this whole thing, so why did I bother to write it anyway?

It was a good way to take it all out, I suppose, so it wasn't exactly pointless. I will probably make this kind of thing again sometime, but it's extremely hard so I'm not completely sure.

Anyway uhh that's it.

[wastemanjohn]

on the subject of how friend breakups hurt just as much as romantic breakups... i'm sure someone was on the subject somewhere lmao... i'm having sads tonight even if it was fucking ages ago technically and its my own fault bc I read through some messages idk why i havent deleted... or why i did that. meh. i need a good everything shower and an early night.