#I'll probably delete this later but I need this out of me now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

qilinkisser · 8 months

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I need to stop engaging in things that make me compare the attention I get with others. unfortunately if I want to exist on the internet at all I have basically no choice. sorry about that 😔😔

#Vents 🌧️#I think I may die (exaggeration. probably)#just. bad bad bad all around #unfortunately jealousy is rooted deeply into my heart. I love everyone so so much and I wish I got that love back #I feel like it's filling up my chest. its surrounding my lungs and tightening my body #I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't do this #every time I finally think I have enough of anything it's never enough because everyone around me gets more #it hurts. I can't fucking do this. but I don't know where else to turn to #am I supposed to take a break from the thing that was supposed to comfort me? the outside world isn't any better #perhaps I'm condemned to a life where I can do nothing but simply get over myself..#sorry. I didn't mean to. say all of this #I'll probably delete this later but I need this out of me now

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starflungwaddledee · 8 months

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been working on answering a prompt i received in an ask the other day, and so i'm back thinking about... the Thing... 💖🎀 and thought maybe prompt doodles might help me work through this a little?

so uhhh.... if by any wild chance anyone has any ship suggestions for starstruck...??? feel free to send them through!

#this is *only* for starstruck and is not general requests! i'm just trying to figure out how i feel about this 😳#obviously no guarantees that i will be confident enough to draw any of these or that i'll enjoy them all but i just... am considering it?#idk idk idk is this stupid....#hope i won't regret this or won't get genuinely weirdass things.#just to be transparent this is sfw exclusively tho implied flirting is a-okay. please don't be weird....? i'm trusting folks to be nice!!#i would also happily take little prompts if you have thoughts about how it would work or whichever! like if you're a character Understander #if you have an idea how it would Work or what it might Be Like that would also help me to get a concept on how i feel about it!!#also i would.. consider ocs (only from their creator) if you... wanna??? character+artist *must* be an adult. starstruck is in her early 30 #also with ocs preferably from folks who i've at least interacted with before and like.. not just bc u want art ;;;#like... do u geniunely think they could have a cute dynamic? i'm just wondering if she could be Cute w someone. AUUghhGHHHH #again no promises and also for now i need this all done on the assumption it's just for fun!! just funsies. i'm just... thinking i guess!#want to try and figure out what it might be like if she WAS involved in a little ship/romo space...? as a treat? auughghhggghGHGLLG #also fair warning i may just get super embarrassed/nervous about this all and delete!! but i'm.. yknow. trying!#also i figure you can kind of tell my faves and who i hardly know much about. might not have lots of feelings about most side chars!#delete later #probably #wheeeeeEEEEeeahahahah okay;;; just post it. just post it starflung. just do it. hit the button hit the button hit the b

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hyacinthsdiamonds · 10 months

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Seeing the same people who perpetuated or sent vicious misogynistic hate to Hannah Schmitz, as well as disgusting racist abuse towards Yuki and Alex because of FUCKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES and those who just straight up ignored it, now up in arms regarding whatever the fuck is going on between the FIA and the wolffs is beginning to piss me off. Because now that it's not someone red bull affiliated involved, it's somehow now unacceptable.

#f1 #formula 1 #formula one #who knows wtf is going on not the fia and not the teams but anyways #i will say toto needs to be investigated because of previous info breaches #but I've been saying that for years long before F1 academy was ever a thing #there's just been too many instances of him having info he shouldn't and things quietly and quickly changing for his benefit #I'm tired and stressed with trying to finish everything up for the semester hence why I've been less active #but this is just pissing me off #i never forgot or forgave the bs and abuse hannah yuki and alex got and i won't ever forget or forgive #i remember after monaco 22 i saw the anti red bull gang were claiming toto fucked up by “allowing' alex the Williams seat #apparently it was alexs fault ferrari fucked up and red bull were turning the tide smh #the bullshit ted began about hannah and yuki he will never see heaven i swear #and i know not everyone calling out the situation partook in the aforementioned but I'm seeing certain people who did #and they don't seem to notice their hypocrisy or double standards #anyway i get my one annoyed post that I'll probably delete later but at least I've got it out and can now return to watching the clown show #and ignore those with doublestandards #anyways bed now because i think I'm slowly losing my mind #it's not a good sign when you hear the imperial march in your head when thinking of college work is it

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cinnamon-bunni · 28 days

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NOT okay right now im thinking abt pokemon leaving scars on their trainers + everyday, domestic problems.....

#this is abt my top gun au btw <3333 which will forever haunt me even though im less likely to write it everyday </3333 #like.....getting thin scars from rowlet as a kid which have now all basically faded to time #(though the ones gained as a teen from dartrix can still be seen)#while in the other hand always having angry red scratches along both arms because hes always holding up rufflet who fights like no tomorrow #(believe me; its better to hold him up and take the damage than put him down and let rufflet pick a fight with someone)#OR like....getting electrical burns because elekid doesnt know how to control its discharge yet. and the scars that stay bc of that #(which tbh is an ash + pikachu thing i would love to see)#or how one accidental poison jab from toxicroak will leave you utterly sick for days #(like serious he should probably go to a hospital or smth) and toxi just has the biggest saddest puppy dog eyes in existence it feels so ba #(its fine this has happened before he'll be fine. probably)#bruisings on your shins bc pawmot punches your legs to grab your attention or to get smth it wants....#rooms always being like ten to twenty degrees colder (or even more) when he has his ice pokemon out for whatever reason...#the reverse of that with fire types..... ough...#having to BEG flygon not to fly rn bc it starts a sandstorm every fucking time and it does it anyway #(PLEASE i took you out of your ball to eat dinner why cant yiu behave this one time)#and then dragonair fixing it to be clear skies again.....the never ending cycle....#any trainer who have pokemon that start sandstorm needing a pair of safety goggles for when they battle #(maybe even bringing a spare just in case or--if theyre kind enough--for their opponent to wear so they can see too)#dont even get me started on mythical pokemon interacting with the tg characters.....#anyway tried to stay as vague as possible for the characters lolol #bergmite is just a lil guy who wants to be carried around like all the other small 'mons....i am so sorry sweetie you are over 200 pounds #you cannot be perched on your trainers shoulder like someone else's rufflet can #having ice burns bc froslass tried to freeze him.....#anyway. can you tell i love pokemon #sorry to anyone who sees this in the pokemon tag </333 #delete later #i feel like im begging on my knees for someone to ask abt my au....but also if they did id die of embarrassment from answering it...#the pros and cons of having a dumb little au </3 #sigh maybe one day i'll write a fic... (<-keeps saying it but has written nothing for it (yet))

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lady-harrowhark · 1 year

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my mom just texted me and was like "did [your sisters] tell you that they're going to paris later this week?"

and of course i told her that no, they did not tell me that, because they don't really talk to me, and she was just like "okay. also your dad and i are going to florida at the end of the month."

thanks for letting me know, i love hearing about all the family vacations that i'm not invited to

to be fair, i would not want to travel with my youngest sister and it wouldn't have worked with my schedule or finances. and they've taken several other trips together that i haven't been invited on, so that part's not new or anything, but still.

i'm also feeling kind of touchy about it all because i was just thinking earlier about how much i've straight up stopped telling my family because they either don't care or don't get it. like. they don't know that this morning i turned in a first author textbook chapter. or that i just set up my dissertation committee. or that yesterday the faculty made me assistant director of the university clinic. like i could tell them but honestly, most of the time them not knowing feels better than getting the flat "sounds cool."

#thinking about how this summer my dad said to me #'i didn't realize you had to work outside of business hours. i guess it makes sense now why you've sounded so stressed.'#i truly didn't have a response for that one #i don't know what he thinks i've been doing the past four years #also shout out to my other favorite comment from him after i'd been talking about my horrific practicum placement last year:#'when you talk about that it's almost like how people with ptsd sound'#yeah almost huh? [looks into the camera like i'm on the office]#anyway. i'll probably delete this later i just needed to blow off some steam :/

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pyrriax · 6 months

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hi everyone remind me to never look at deviantart again

#haunted ecosystem #probably jsut take this post at face value tags are if youre really curious 👍#i was trying to find something. immediately got blasted with a person who i did not want confirmation was out of prison is out #if im weird the next few days this has been an un-fun experience 👍i just wanted to look for some furry bases ok not. dread.#i just wanted to work on beest & saturn </3 #actually feel nauseous ah this is going to be fun im going to go. draw things. do something. i need to get rid of this dread #why did he fucking follow my new account there? why? didnt he get enough? didnt he fucking get enough god i.#sorry chat im feeling things and if i remember this later i'll probably delete these tags but i need to just put this somewhere #im not a kid anymore i can handle this i shouldnt be this scared but fuck i am. maybe it wasnt just paranoia! joy joy joy oh joy!#tomorrow will be better tomorrow i'll forget about this and i'll move on like i never saw it and i'll continue being happy #i have people that love and care about me and that i talk to every day i have people that i trust and know i can rely on #i don't have to be scared anymore i don't need to worry i'll be fine and that has to be true because things are better now

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thelastsaiyanprincess · 1 year

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venus just went retrograde and once again i am mulling over my countless failed relationships and situationships

#like why am i thinking about my fuck buddy from 2015??!??😭😭😭#and that crazy mf that damn near pushed me out his car last year lmao #and That fucking loser J 😭😭😭#n how i'll probably never be with someone again that is THAT physically affectionate and matches my love language ://///#ya girls finally found peace of mind but even a thug gets lonely and wistful sometimes 😩#anyway. this is why i dont date or fuck no more LMAO i got enough ghosts haunting me i dont need more 🥴🥴🥴#and now i will stop oversharing lmao #delete later

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strangefable · 1 year

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just have to crylaugh when a perfectly random innocuous thing slams into you like a fucking freight train and reminds you that no, actually, you're never going to stop being traumatized about your dead parents

#just kidding i'm actually such a fucking sobbing wreck i called my boss and took the day off #over a stupid fucking youtube video of all things #i can't remember my dad's voice and it's killing me #so many little things are just... gone... forgotten to time #and i'm aching so bad #hey universe maybe next time just send someone to stab me it would hurt less #sorry to traumadump on tungl dot com and whatever but i need to get this out somehow and this is what's open in front of me so... sorry #maybe i'll get embarrassed or some shit and delete it later idk #but right now i just fucking need to pour this out somewhere that's louder than just screaming into my pillow #on grief #tw death #tw dead parents #tw grief #and to anyone who's worried i'm sorry i'll be fine i promise i'm just having a bad grief day they happen #and i get stupid and scream so i don't choke like i used to #this is probably healthier than bottling it up right? lmao i don't even fucking know i'm just a wreck don't mind me

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vounoura · 1 year

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#ask to tag #//vent #delete later #man I always wanted to do the sciences but I'm having this spiral of self-doubt abt my degree choices #I'm honestly not sure if I'm cut out for it bc I struggle w/ the math especially in a uni setting where you just go so fast through it #and like if I wasn't committed for years into getting into pathology or coronary work bc it's what I wanted to do a linguistics major #was my last backup plan and I'm wondering if I should just throw in the towel. I barely have the executive function to get what work #I have now for class done let alone the burden of med school and I'm getting too old for it and I'm poor so I've essentially given up #on that particular dream. the plan was to get my master's if med school didn't work out but I'm just scraping by through chem so probably #even that plan is out of reach now. idk man sorry for venting all the time lately but every day I'm like I should just give up lol #but then I'd have to restart two years of effort if I were to switch for next fall and I'm already getting older and it's like. well.#guess I'll just die lmao #I really do want to do pathology/coronary work it's a legit fascination of mine but. maybe it just wasn't meant to be #I need a vent blog or smth sorry for making you people know me like this lol #saint.txt

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cerbreus · 2 years

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it’s been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didn’t tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isn’t resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brains’ response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.

#bro im gonna cry #fucking got blacklisted from one of the largest rental car companies in this country and it is apparently #impossible to get off the 'do not rent' list #whats making me more upset is that i literally called them the day the windshield cracked i got things sorted out before i even dropped the #car off and still shit is so far out of my control and now i'm stuck with all these repercussions that shouldn't have happened if my #insurance that i pay a hell of a lot of money for wasn't so incompetent #bro apparently even my ROOMMATES can get blacklisted for sharing an address with me #worse yet payment has been sent out but the company is still going 'fuck you pay me killyourself never talk to us again once u pay this'#i can't get ahold of the DRU person in charge of my claim on their end to find out what happens #so it might end up going to collections anyway which will perma fuck up my credit score which i've been trying. so hard. to raise.#being an adult is a fucking nightmare i want to sleep i can't focus for longer than 5 minutes on anything before i start getting that dread #its so frustrating i can't enjoy my hobbies i can't enjoy my work (which is going well right now) bc i'm so stuck on this i need this to go #away so i can regain my brain's normal functioning and yes i have anxiety this is the worst it's been in a while though #anyway sry for the venting i'll be fine it'll be fine my insurance WILL pay for this and things will be fine (probably) once that goes thru #not that it didn't add to my stress enough that my bp probably took another year off my life lbr #personal stuff #delete later i think #DO NOT rent a car without taking the damage waiver it doesn't matter how much it costs or if you have insurance just take the damage waiver #don't be me

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septimus-heap · 2 years

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Literally I think my parents must be a little bit insane to still think they're good parents. They pushed me to the point of being actively suicidal not even 2 years ago like hello????

#sep talks #tw suicide #found out recently that my grandpa has depression and my great grandpa likely did too #my great grandpa died from being hit by a horse and cart and it is heavily suspected that it was a suicide #my grandpa is only alive today because he takes antidepressants #like you'd think!! With a family history like that!!! That they'd perhaps take their child's mental health into consideration a tiny bit!!!#my uncle has depression as well iirc. Like good lord #like literally the only reason I made it through 2020 was bc I was sneaking around behind my parents backs and lying to them #idk. I just think it's kind of funny #I've pretty much stopped caring abt my parents now. They're just some ppl I live with until I can leave and then we'll never talk again #but honestly....they still think they're good parents???? Really????????#anyway this post inspired by my mum getting stroppy abt me 'ruining mothers day'#I sure hope it's ruined!! Hope it's bad enough u decide to kill urself!!!! Lmao!!!#I'll delete this later probably just needed to say it somewhere #I'm fine btw. I don't feel great rn but I haven't let my parents send me down a spiral of self loathing in a good long while #and I don't intend to start again now

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tardis--dreams · 2 years

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Cringe, I know, but fuck it, I want a relationship but am too introverted to put myself out there and tbh, at this point it's just sad

#(as in 'I'm just sad'l #)#there's nothing wrong with not having or wanting a relationship #it's just that i am craving human connection in the form of romantic love #and i just know I won't ever get that because of my shit ass personality #because you need to actually go out and talk to people in order to form connections and i simply never do that #I hate my shyness and anxiety and everything that makes me want to stay inside all the time #ok I'll be quiet now #probably will delete this later

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ame-to-ame · 30 days

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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love 😭😭😭

#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko #i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in #but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not #but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us #but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me #i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of #but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow #idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings 👍👍👍 which i eventually will have to face ig #but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack 😭 it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later

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hipipi · 6 months

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#personal #i'm so miserable #Broke my 7 year sh streak #I want to die so bad #I wish I could want to live #Everyday for months ive felt physically choked #I'll delete later maybe I just need to vent a little bit #Refusing to believe I'm at rock bottom because I just can't fathom returning to the same place I was at when I was 18 #I had nothing to live for at that point and I was so fucked up #But I'm better now! Everything I wanted to do I've done!#I don't feel as useless and alone anymore #So why am I still here being violent with myself #I write rants to put on my Instagram and delete them #Bc I realized they were serving as suicide notes and final remarks to the people I've met #So extremely bitter #The answer to the earlier question is probably just to end the constant pain #I can't do it anymore #How many times have I said that #And then I do it anyways #And then I end up here all relapsed and fucked up #Negative #I kind of just feel like 90% of the time things have gotten “better” I've actually just been manic #Making and saying irrational stuff #It's funny though because I don't think I've ever set out deliberately hurt someone #I definitely have hurt people by accident and I try so hard to be on guard to avoid that #And I think that's part of the reason I turn to hurting myself instead #But I just find it funny how other people set out to deliberately hurt me for small petty reasons #And then feel terrible after so they come saying sorry but blaming it on their mental health that they've never even researched or looked at #Before they used it as an excuse #I'm out of tags but yeah like I'm suffering and constantly declawing myself for everyone around me but I have to grin and bear it

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moonchopsticks · 11 months

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uuuoooogghhh friend i invited out to drink with invited like 5 more people to the event and also asked to change it to karaoke and i have terminal can't say no disease so now i'm dreading going out to something i was looking forward to for weeks

#LIKE I KNOW its not his fault but uggghhhhh #it was originally gonna be a small chill thing for my late birthday and now it's an entirely different beast #which is FINE i'll still probably have fun i just am a bitch about many things. i'm not gonna hold a grudge over it. im not #im just tired and wanted to get drinks in like. a setting where i was more comfortable w the people there #but all the people there are localized to a club that i am on leadership in and the more non-graduates/non-close friends i invite #the less i can let go. personal motto in club settings is literally “no weakness” i don't relax there even if i don't show it.#like idk. i was excited about this for a while but now i'm mentally bracing myself to be overwhelmed until i get three drinks in me #eh i think im mostly a little pressed bc a few people that i didn't want to come are coming. but whatever #i think im overestimating how comfortable i'd be even beforehand. friend's boyfriend who is also technically my friend was also coming #and still is. and i am not comfortable being a person around him ngl #the most paranoid part of me is thinking that this is like. revenge for making the friend that's inviting everyone hang out with me #you wanted to hang? let me invite all the people i wouldve invited before i hung out with you #which is actually delusional but the hating myself grind never stops #it's literally whatever. like it's ten people total that's not even an enormous amount #and im genuinely excited to see most people there. like i'll have fun. i just need to be a bitch about it for a little #i'll delete this later. idk why i even posted this on my non-private acct :((

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faethfigueroth · 1 year

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#i usually put this kind of stuff in the drafts so you don't need to read it. go ahead if you want i don't care just like. don't respond lol #but this is just for me to vent publicly so it feels like the thoughts went somewhere #my sister's best friend's mom just got put in hospice and they say she has about 3 more days #and i could hear my little sister bawling when my mom told her and it's breaking my heart #they're barely teenagers they're too young for this #and my mom's trying to write an email to the father and she can't fucking do it. i wanna help but she doesn't want any which i get #i can hear my sister either giggling or crying in her room right now i can't tell which but it sounds more like laughing. i hope it is #my mom and my sister are going to do to the hospice room to say goodbye to her i think tomorrow #and i really just want to be able to hang out with my sister bc i know it's gonna be really scary for her after but i have to work #if one person complains about their problems to me at work tomorrow i'm gonna get fucking fired for what i do next #that's probably not true but i'm gonna feel like it #i don't know this woman but i know my sister loves her and my mom is friends with the father so i mean i'm not really grieving but they are #and i wish i knew what to do #at least this was somewhat expected like she was in the later stages of her cancer but i don't think anyone was thinking it would happen no #i don't know if i should post this. i want to because i have so many posts like this in my drafts and it never makes me feel any better #but i don't like sharing ultra personal stuff like this especially about other people even if nobody knows who i am #i'll post it for now but i'll delete it later. i just need it to be out there a little bit so there's proof it exists #i think this is something i should be adding trigger tags for?#tw cancer #tw death #tw grief #shut up hanna

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