#I'll have to make another post abt that tho this is already way too long

[eikichi-supremacy]

okay maybe an unpopular opinion but i think shiori shouldn't actually like hiei that much

[dagnab]

ur so right abt Viktor's seasons 1 vs. season 2 characterization!

after re-watching season 1 tho the framing of Viktor's earliest private forays into body modification are framed/"shot" like they're a dangerous, taboo transgression. as a disabled person that really irks me because the writers/narrative like to pretend they're impartial but they're really really not. like people can be like well the hexcore/arcane was dangerous and it was reckless but that was of approaching narrative analysis completely sidesteps the fact that everything about the world was a choice made by writers/artists and probably shaped by execs. idk it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth because he's doing it because his body is getting in his way at a time when time is of the absolute essence and he really is one of the few people capable of making massive change in Zaun with his work. Feel like people's kneejerk to that is he could've left it to Jace, he didn't have to live to see the fruits of his labour but Jayce has shown him he cant be fully trusted to stay the path.

anyway sorry for jumping into ur inbox and rambling. i just wanna see more discussion around Viktor from disabled ppl because he's rotating like a microwave hotpocket in my mind atm

No seriously thank you for reading my rant and chatting up my inbox!! I need to converse with people about this or ill go stir crazy 🙏 anyone's always welcome to drop in. This activated another long ass manifesto from me so I'll put it under a cut.

On your point about Arcane's disability narrative- I totally agree. Looking back at season 1 I'm struck by how much better characterized Viktor is, but I agree that the disability metaphor isn't well thought out.

I can tell they course-corrected on purpose for season 2. Viktor's story became very much an anti-eugenics, "you were never broken" thing, and I appreciate that sentiment. But that misses the mark too in many ways. Many people have already posted about this, but isn't it reasonable for Viktor to want reprieve from his chronic illness, which was a result of his childhood poverty? In a world where people can replace limbs, doesn't it make sense for him to want to alleviate the pain of his bad leg and back with mechanical augments? It's pretty clear in s1 that Viktor isn't motivated exclusively by shame, he just doesn't want to die. Super reasonable goal, as you mention!

IMO they just kind of wrote themselves into a hole that couldn't be thematically tied up all that well. And not to be a preachy OG machine Viktor purist.. but I do think this started in season 1 when they decided to make the hexcore like an evil manipulaty magicy entity. IMO it should have stayed just an unthinking tool, like a hammer, able to do good or hurt depending on the will of the wielder. They even set that up here, in this scene:

This is just like, so much more interesting. These are devices explicitly made to help the working class.. but it's so obvious that they will one day be misappropriated as weapons. Heimerdinger's warning about the arcane corrupting it's users still applies even if Hextech isn't all inherently evil. Power will do that on its own. Viktor and Jayce want to use hextech to help the people, Piltover elites want to use it as a weapon. I think they should have just stuck with that core conflict. No need to twist hextech into an ontological evil. It majorly distracts from the class divide, which used to be THE overarching plot of Arcane.

In general, making the hexcore all sinister is one of those super common cop-out writing choices where the "villain" is obviously right so they need to find some way to "complicate" things. The hextech-evilification was also what led to Sky getting fridged, another meh writing choice they tried to roll back in s2. When I think about it, all of my (few) complaints with the first season's writing are a result of the hexcore turning purple! That deviation from the original lore ended up compounding in the long run, leaving us with a messy Viktor arc, political narratives being sidelined. etc.

I think the Viktor self-surgery scenes SHOULD have been dark and scary and full of shame and resentment, but NOT because "hexcore taboo". Instead the emphasis should have been placed on Viktor having to try to treat himself all alone, isolated in his lack of support. No need for Sky to get dusted, it's tragic enough that Viktor is resorting to playing solitaire operation. The finger of blame should point at Piltover, not at one disabled guy trying to survive.

Imagine you grew up next to a chemical plant and every other kid in your city had incurable lung disease and nobody in power was interested in researching the one possible treatment, they only want to develop it as weaponry. I'd become the machine herald too.

[thedissociatives]

Heeeyyyy, I'm so so intrigued by your hockey posting. I'd love to know more about Fedorov, like what's the lore, what makes him special? Have a nice day/ night <333

good morning/afternoon/evening anon! since you asked so nicely i'll try my best but i do tend to forget everything i know when i have to actually explain it. there is a lot of lore tho so i'm not gonna go over all of it (mainly the bits that interest me the most + some other stuff). i guess what really makes him special (at least to me) is the fact that we don't get players like this anymore. and i'm not talking playing style here (the impact of euro hockey players of the 90s on the nhl today is still so obviously there). a lot of his early career was directly impacted by cold war politics, and since those circumstances haven't existed for a while now, we don't get this insane type of backstories and lore anymore. i should also make it clear that i'm a massive nerd who sat in classrooms for years learning abt soviet stuff which i think definitely has an impact on who My Guys are

seriously there is a lot under the cut so be warned because i did get carried away with myself A Lot (i literally wrote over 1k words on this. sorry in advance)

ok so. sergei started playing "pro" hockey in the soviet union in the mid 80s (i don't think this is the place to explain whether these players were pro or amateur so will leave it like that), first in minsk (only for a year) before being picked up by cska moscow- the central army team. these guys made up most of the national team, which can probably be explained by the fact that their head coach also coached the national team (god that's a bit of a mouthful, but incredibly relevant). he wasn't the only rookie on the team that season; another kid (i think they were both like 16 at the time ?) called alex mogilny had also just arrived in moscow. they would become good friends. sergei would play three seasons for cska before being called up for the national team- he was going to the 1989 world championship. alex would be there, too, having already played on the team before. naturally, the ussr won gold (as they did almost every year). but that doesn't mean everything was good with the players. not long too after the tournament, some of the older players would finally get permission to play in the nhl, but for the younger guys it was looking like they had no way of getting out any time soon. in the days between the end of the championship and the soviet team's flight home, mogilny apparently approached fedorov and asked him to go to america with him- sergei said no, worried about what would happen to his family. alex would go anyway, disappearing for a few days before popping up in buffalo ready to join the sabres. (this might seem irrelevant right now but it's actually really not- i'm getting there now)

that same summer, sergei would be drafted in the fourth round by detroit. this choice may or may not have been influenced by steve yzerman telling them sergei was better than him. after a bit of back and forth, they got him to defect after cska played a series of games in north america. it literally sounds like the type of shit they write in spy films it was fucking mental. this made him only the second soviet to defect in order to play in the nhl i'm pretty sure (defo the second in like 18 months- funnily enough it was his bestie who was the first one. what a coincidence), but they weren't the first two from the other side of the iron curtain to do that. might be wrong but i think that honour goes to the stastny brothers. anyway. when sergei got to detroit he wore 91 because he wanted to "be like stevie" or some insane shit like that. which i literally think about all the time. like seriously what was that about sergei.

okok can't not talk about the russian five so doing that now. since idk how much you know about hockey i'll do a better job on this bit. after sergei arrived in detroit, management must've figured they could get more russians. over the next couple of years they got vladimir konstantinov (who was drafted the same year as sergei) and slava kozlov to make the jump to the states. since i'm mainly talking about sergei i won't go into how they got those two but it's just as unbelievable as you'd expect. after the 1994-95 lockout, the wings traded for another russian- slava fetisov. if you ever want to learn about soviet hockey you'll hear a lot about this guy, and for good reason too. he won two olympic gold medals and seven world championships with the soviet union, and captained most of those teams. obviously adding a guy with that much experience winning was a smart choice imo, even if he hadn't won anything in the nhl yet. by now the wings had four russian players- why not add a fifth ? in 1994 the wings were embarrassed in the playoffs, losing to san jose. it just happened that sj happened to have two of the older soviets who had fought for the right to play in north america. one of them was igor larionov- probably the smartest guy to ever play hockey. it was his tactics (and refusal to change his style of play) that led to his team's success in the first round. and i guess detroit didn't ever want to deal with that again because they ended up trading for the guy in the first part of the 1995-96 season. the russian five first played together in calgary, where they played that style of soviet hockey that nhlers could never really wrap their heads around at the time. they walked all over the flames in their own building, and would continue to do the same to the rest of the league. the five would be a key part of the 1997 stanley cup-winning team, which was the first wings team to lift the cup in over forty years.

sergei stayed to win a few more cups, and then left the city. he signed w the ducks in anaheim, bleached his hair and moved out to california (i think we can all resonate with wanting to change our appearance and move thousands of miles away from where we've spent over a decade building out lives amiright). from what i can tell, this move was Not Liked by detroit's owners (honestly i can't see any other reason his number hasn't been retired there). he'd bounce around a couple more nhl teams before going back to russia to play on the same team as his brother, eventually retiring in 2012.

jumping to 2015, that year's hockey hall of fame inductees included sergei (and nick lidstrom, one of his detroit teammates and one of the best defencemen to every play the game). it was basically a 90s wings reunion. in sergei's induction speech, he did like everyone else and thanked a bunch of people who helped him out throughout his career. and, you know, it was all the expected stuff (hockey guys can be so predictable sometimes), but "to my captain, steve yzerman" still fucking gets me. it had been twelve years since he'd worn a wings jersey. my captain. i think you get my point but i'm gonna have to stop there because i can't carry on and be remotely normal about it.

oh and in 2021, after spending a few years bouncing around random jobs for the team, cska announced that fedorov would be taking over as head coach. he went back to the team where all this started. now i don't know how exactly he is with his team but i sure hope he learned enough from his days there as a player under tikhonov on exactly how not to treat your players. cska won back to back gagarin cups (the trophy awarded to the khl team who wins the playoffs) in sergei'd first two seasons behind the bench, and they're probably looking to make it a threepeat with the playoffs starting today (?)

[zukkacore]

you reblogged that director's cut ask meme and i KNEW exactly already the scene. towards the end where it starts with:

"Disappointment. “Look. Whatever fantasy you’re trying to cling to, I don’t want any part of it. If you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care. I’m just—done playing house, Porter.” to "How ridiculous."

OR anything about the pomegranate tree which. i put my phone down to stare at the ceiling when the pomegranate tree was mentioned.

HIiiii!!!!! Thank you so much for sending me this honestly you picked a good one.

Ok. this scene is crazy bc i think it was the flashback scene that felt the most necessary to include. Not the one i fought the hardest for (jace good/bad teacher you have my heart ended up making sense but for a long time i was like cut that shit. You know you just want to be indulgent. Until i realized the ratgrinders haunt the narrative). Nor the one that feels the most. Obvious I guess? Or the most evocative? (The one where they're at Porter's house feels like so vivid and real to me not like necessarily bc of my writing its just like real in my mind like if Jace is reading Porter's memories there's definitely something in there that is just Precious and Heartbreaking and Deeply Ironic and almost simplistically affectionate in its portrayal of the Old Jace.

Anyway. This scene in the backyard felt. Necessary I guess? But i also worried i was trying too hard to make it work. It actually wasn't even really originally about Frosty Fair. Like. Jace still was walking out bc of a fight abt the ratgrinders but it was more abstract? I think the fact that its like ruben was getting attacked by grix is a throughline though for jace taking damage for TRGs in the forest. The ratgrinders were not originally going to be this like chekovs gun and like i honestly felt kinda bad that i was like. hm. awfully convenient for Jace to forget abt them so quickly in favor of getting. some dick but also like that's the whole POINT. I was like. Well i can at least highlight how absurd that is by making him ashamed but not really altruistic enough to do anything about it. But its like. Kinda the throughline now.

Originally I was like. Honestly rly embarrassed bc i felt like Jace taking damage in the forest was such a contrived way to get him and Porter to hook up like oooooh patching up injuries how original. But I feel like. There's a whole subplot kinda ABOUT jace taking the damage now. Now the whole story is about how he cares.

And post-Jace HATES that that's the reason Porter brought him on b/c he's so alienated from that version of himself, and he's disgusted with himself for feeling like he's never doing enough or caring enough. For being neglectful and running away. So when Porter grabs his wrist in the memory,

“I don’t think so, Stardiamond. You want this to work. You care, you always have. I know that’s who you still are.”

it's like. He's not seeing Jace for who he is. He's still clinging to the past. But also don't think he's completely wrong. Because jace does take that damage in the forest. He always had that capacity to care in him.

Anyway. I'll backtrack to the. Top of the scene tho.

Disappointment. “Look. Whatever fantasy you’re trying to cling to, I don’t want any part of it. If you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care. I’m just—done playing house, Porter.

Ok so this comes right after the whole. Jace wants Porter to acknowledge what he means to him. & Porter only mentioning his utility to The Plan. So. In my Mind the fantasy that Porter clings to about Jace and the fantasy Porter clings to about the house of sunstone heir of the cliffbreakers thing is made of the same stuff. It's all a glorious past that has been lostt to him. It's all something he's desperately trying to cling to.

There's also the fact that Jace says "I'm done playing house, Porter" (which i know is epilogue coded what can i say we get metatextual up in here). But. To me that's about. This idea of family. Porter feels he's been denied something of his lineage. In his mind he's doing this for his family as well as himself. I really wanted there to be something in there about Jace basically saying like. Why do you need to do this for your family. I'm your family. But it felt too on the nose and maybe not true to the character. B/c like. What family? The whole Jaceporter and the ratgrinders make up like a shitty fucked up fall of the house of usher type family is so real to me. But the thing is. That's a fantasy. Most of the ratgrinders are shatterstarred. Porter is clinging to something that doesn't exist.

And he says "if you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care." which. I think I needed to justify something within the text... But besides that. "get another me to do it" is so like. I think there's two things in there. 1) Jace is talking about his own replaceable nature within the plan. Calling attention to the fact that Porter actually COULD replace him, he just doesnt want to because he wants it to be jace. He just won't say that he'll say i need you you're so important blah blah. 2) obviously that's a bit of a jaceclone reference. He's saying literally another me, and long as I personally get that distance from you idc.

already talked abt the you care line so I'm gonna skip past it.

Another swing of Bigby’s Hand. This time, it’s a miss, and it dissipates—too rattled to concentrate. Jace seethes. “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me, or about who your Jace was. I’m —”

Ok. So like. I've talked about this a little bit, but I actually I do have a soft spot for the guardians of the galaxy 3 i actually think its pretty good and i don't like peter and gamora really but i think gotg3 uses them in very interesting ways b/c Quill keeps trying to insist that this gamora (a gamora from another time who never experienced the movies) should live up to the gamora from his memories. The line i actually really like is "What are you so afraid of within yourself that you need me to be something for you" which AAAAGGGGHHHH i feel sick about is very jaceporter to me. (The other scene that is very them is gamora saying “you know. I’m still not who you want me to be” and him going “yeah but who you are ain’t so bad” “I bet we were fun” “like you wouldn’t believe.” PORTER YEARNS FOR OLD JACE BUT ALSO ?? DID OLD JACE LOVE HIM TO THE POINT OF INVENTION?)

I don't think Porter would ever refer to the old jace as His Jace but I definitely think this jace conceives of it that way. & this is even more fucked bc PORTER put him here. That shit just happened to Gamora. PORTER is the one that wanted to actualize and use Jace but also misses who he used to be. And porter isn't wrong that this jace has the capacity to be as "good" at the old jace, but he's definitely not willing to acknowledge the harm he's caused or the pain this jace is in. I almost ended the exchange with "I'm Jace" but i felt like that also would be too on the nose. The fact that the name Jace is inherently a little bit silly does take a bit of the bite away. Sorry bestie beloved but its true ur name is ridiculous.

I think so much of this fic is Jace reconciling that he wants to be loved but he doesn't know in which way. Like. On the one hand he's saying please love as I am—as a person who has undergone irreconcilable trauma, different and the same. On the other hand he's saying please love me as I am— as the doggish, devoted frankenstein's creation that can't help but love his creator. And I think there's a little bit of both here. A little bit of Why are you asking for the old jace when i am what i am, the person you made, someone else, and i'm RIGHT HERE. And its a little bit of Why are you asking for the old jace expecting me to be something i no longer recognize, can you at least acknowledge that this trauma has changed me, that i feel different, that i feel as if i can never go back. But maybe those are the same thing

I also want a brief sec to talk abt that bigby's hand. I just wanted something that would leave a large impact i think? Like. this is such a WEIRD pull but i was watching that dirty laundry w/ brennan in which he talks abt getting in a car crash where the car trenches a hole in the grass and stops just shy of a woodchuck hole and he starts laughing in shock. I thought abt that a lot in the scene with the Motivational Poster bc of the laughing of shock but i also liked that imagery i guess of trenching a crater.

Pain, as the rage crystals and untamable arcana course through his veins—he can feel it in the present, too—and then the Jace in the memory surges so bad that he passes out on the lawn, but not before frying the nearby pomegranate tree to a crisp with a jolt of lightning. Jace turns away from that one as if flinching from a raised hand. Despite everything, he wishes most of all to apologize about the tree. He could laugh. How ridiculous.

Im playing a little loose with sorcery stuff but aint that the sorcery way i guess. Anyway I like in other fic when Jace has a hard time controlling his sorcery due to being shatterstarred as a way of being like yeah he's discordant with himself. Its sooooo good. I think the rage here is a little bit his and Porters. I don't know if thats how it works in the text but i made the call that jace's rage can also incite the crystal to act up.

OK SO lastly. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP THE POMEGRANIT TREE JUST BC ITS FUN even tho its literally is like. Yeah I love Hadestown and Jaceporter are soooooo persephades / orphydice coded. I liked the imagery of his surge being so bad that it kills the something dear to Porter in the garden, and I was like. Frying a tree sounds cool. And I was like. Well if its gonna be a fruit tree of COURSE it can't be any old tree it has to be a pomegranite tree. OF COURSE. And it's not stated but i do think it kinda was the centerpiece of that garden. And of course like. A pomegranate on its own already means a lot. In terms of like. Death n rebirth Persephades and this idea of the cycles of the seasons and leaving n returning and the overlap with this idea of like, corruption and a Fall from grace

Also a shoutout to my ability to neglect real world facts. "Lily, white, and Poppy red. I trembled as he laid me out. " Yeah, Porter decimated the poppies in the fight. They're completely out of season but we can play pretend.

I do think him wanting to apologize for the tree is like. Such a funny moment. I think after i wrote what happened to the tree i felt bad for said tree. There is something really sad abt that. So i think Jace would feel bad about destroying something that takes so long to grow, that Porter cares about, and find away to blame himself even tho Porter is the one who started everything.

Anyway. This scene felt. Necessary bc i think there needed to be some semblance of showing them in like. Actual conflict. at the time i actually did NOT know that THIS would be THE FIGHT in the exhange that Porter was talking about earlier. When he said "i thought you meant it this time". i mean. its not explicit but I do think there's a finality to the interaction that implies that yes. Jace was fucking serious this time. And again there's that throughline of the ratgrinders haunting the narrative. About Jace caring and feeling like he's never caring enough.

Like, so much of the story is ABOUT Porter looking right past jace and i felt like there should be scene that. Says it outright. But also. Not being completely wrong. IMO. B/c I also think Jace was threatened by the version of himself that porter sees. And he thinks he doesn't live up to that. he COULD never live up to that. (And in some ways he does. In some ways. He's might even be perfect in his own way. He kinda loved Porter to the point of invention so)

[nikatyler]

Random BG3 Shenanigans: the journey to Zeph 2.0

Yes, this one was Zeph 2.0, but I consider my current honour mode Zeph the Zeph 2.0 haha. Well. Technically they're like...Zeph 5.0? Because I've attempted an honour run with Zeph like two times before. And uh...you'll see.

girl help i'm trying to revamp Zeph again

"but they don't look like the original Zeph" "brain that's the point, the original Zeph was like many of my other ocs, i have an army of redheads like them already" "but-" "but...yeah you're right they don't look like the original Zeph ughhh" < is kinda what's going on in my head

give me anything where you can create vastly different characters and i guarantee you my first one will be a white blue or brown eyed redhead. that's like the default oc setting for me 💀

Well that was fast 💀💀💀💀

This was such bad luck though, because I never had issues here, not even the very first time. Oh well

rip Zeph 3.0 you deserved a longer life 💀 i'll bring you back for another run someday

SIDE NOTE. HOW MANY ZEPHS HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE AT THIS POINT. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TRIED TO RECREATE THEM. I AM CONFUSION

Fun fact, this was a separate run from the one I was posting like a week ago. So when they died here, I loaded that one. AND THEY DIED TOO 😭 I've literally never had a total party kill here until the honor one and I played the exact same way as always

Think I'm gonna leave the Zeph honor run for much later and I'm gonna first create a whole new character that will actually be built with focus on beating the honor mode, not OC building

Ah shit, here we go again (it's a tactician run this time tho and I won't touch it until later, I just wanted to make them again)

Dude I don't know about them 😭

pls can I hear what you think abt them 👉👈

(nobody said anything, classic twitter after elongated takeover, but this is actually the face that finally sticked! This is our Zeph!)

Wanted to see Zeph with their old face (yes, half elf 5) and compare it to their new face (from a mod) and I think now I can finally be at peace and not touch their appearance ever again. 😂 Love that they look very similar but Zeph 2.0 looks a bit more like the Zeph in my head

Now just to figure out the lore for them…that still escapes me 😂

I've started so many runs lately that I could basically play the nautiloid part with my eyes closed at this point

Of course, need to take my usual screenshots...Zeph is so pretty I can't

Once out, I multiclassed them to be a tempest domain cleric of Selune and got them a new armour, since they can wear it now. I feel like this combo of classes will help me finally cook up some lore for them ⛈

Out of curiosity, I long rested pretty much right after we picked up Shadowheart, and got a cutscene I've never seen before! (I was kinda worried though that you're not supposed to long rest so early and might turn...luckily, that's not the case haha)

Morning! Time to go pick up the rest of our silly group. In my first run with them, Zeph romanced Astarion (I bought the game because of the vampire so of course they did 😂), but I feel like going for Gale this time. We shall see.

Zeph unfortunately failed the roll to persuade the tieflings to leave Lae'zel alone, so we had to fight them. The guy is knocked out, but Lae'zel wasn't so merciful with the woman…but are we surprised? 🤷‍♀️

Aww how sweet, in another life you were lovers, remember? 🥰

[lingy910y]

Weekly Tag Wednesday

thanks @energievie, @mybrainismelted, @deedala & @mmmichyyy for the tags! 😁😌💖 these questions are long but fun

1. which character from any media would you like to have as a father? I KNOW i said i don't think ian and mick would be that good as parents but screw it, i want ian to be my dad 😌

2. if money, laws, time, and effort were no object, what animal would you want to have? i still wouldn’t bc i would like them to be free instead of living with me. even if it’s effortless there’s still a lot of responsibility that comes with taking care of another thing but if there was an ethical way, i want a teacup dog

3. what is your chinese takeout order? i eat chinese food on a daily basis so there’s so much i like but fried ramen or yaki udon (ik it’s japanese but chinese restaurants have them) and wonton. or shrimp rice rolls, i have them every saturday bc they’re my fav food

4. what’s your favorite emoji? 💀 in terms of most used. it’s the superior way to laugh

5. would you rather have a library, greenhouse, or home theater in your house? oooooh library

6. what childhood tv show do you think of the most fondly? my little pony 🦄 my little pony🦄 ahh ahh AHH AHH (i still like it)

7. what was your tumblr like when you first joined? bakudeku stuff and kinda cringey posts like "reblog if you don't want to have bad luck" and bad jokes

8. what clothing style do you love but don't feel compelled to replicate yourself? the cutesy kind like oversized sweaters and leg warmers

9. if you were plopped into a fictional world, which one would you know the layout of the best? genshin, even tho i did so bad on its geoguesser parody LOL

10. what is your favorite piece of art? the question didn't specify the type of art, so i'll say this person's fanart is up there: https://x.com/Tarokunnnn/status/1235139944525504513?s=20

11. do you have a water bottle? yes, it's coral-colored and insulated from zojirushi

12. what fanfic trope is a fanfic fave? ...cheating? if it's one half of the ship cheating on the other person with someone else. the fics aren't my fav bc it's ooc (most of the time) but like i've said before i like angsty drama lmao

13. do you carry a daily bag? what does it look like? what’s the weirdest thing in it? yeah my backpack that's preppy with pink and tan colors. weirdest things are post-its i still keep from compliments my classmates gave me on my english projects during gallery walks where we have to write down "glows and grows" for others (it's not weird but i had to write smth shh)

14. if you had to ship mickey with another gallagher, who would it be? lip is the least weird option bc debbie, carl, and liam have a way too big age gap with him and they look up to him. that leaves fiona but she's also a girl 😭 and i know i just said cheating is fun to read and it could just be an au but lickey makes me mad AKDJASF (no hate to the shippers) i'm thinking way too hard abt this let's just go with frank

15. what is a fanfic trope you didn’t expect to like and then very much did? historical aus :0c i said i don't really like aus but maybe it's cause i already like history

16. do you think s11 mickey can still carry s11 ian? yeah he's still buff as fuck

17. who got custody of the killing bat when they sold the house? they did not go through with selling the house <3 but if they do i see carl and mickey fighting for it LOL

tagging @heymrspatel, @softmick, @krystallouwho, @michellemisfit, @jademickian, @iansw0rld & @juliakayyy

[jay-j-otter]

hey hey, do you mind sharing your akiyama headcanons? just saw ur tags talking abt how theyre dark and im very interested!!!! your fem ryuaki fuels me in ways i cannot describe and i havent even played dead souls FHKGJG and your tanimuras have my whole entire heart!!!

Oh wow first of all THANK YOU for the ask!! It's been only couple days since I've discovered I've had them disabled all this time so I'm very happy I noticed it before you found my blog (,:

I've already complained a bit on twt that when I've started to write down ryuaki headcanons, it prompted me to make a 35+ pages google doc with meta on both of them 😅 It pushed me to write more fun drafts tho, so all is well, but it won't fit in this post for sure ahbfght

But ofc, I will share a little about Shun specifically. (TW for implied SA)

Akiyama... I have complicated feelings about him, because on the one hand, he got betrayed by his closest people, lost all the standing in society and lived as a homeless person for a long time, and that's a big trauma to have. But on the other... He's got back up by a miracle, and now he's trying to recreate the miracle for others. He assumes the role of a judge for other people while himself being too young, too flawed, having black and white morals.

(In Y4 I downright despised Akiyama when he refused a loan to an abused woman on the basis that she didn't want to apply for sex work, but in the same substory gave some cringefail guy 4 chances to complete the test just because it was amusing.)

But I've just completed Y5, and it gave me lots of food for thought.

First of all, from what I see, Shun here was written (rewritten?) as a more sympathetic character. For example, now when it's implied that he's gonna make some woman "use her body" for the loan, it means he's sending her to work on the construction site. Well, alright. I'll take the bad taste joke over previous cases.

There's also an important quest when Akiyama meets his former boss, who not only initially fired him on false accusations, which started his downfall, but also married his ex-fiancée. And Akiyama finally admits that at first, he wanted to use his position as a loan shark to be selfish and to get revenge, but got disgusted with himself after seeing some humanity and principles in the former boss.

So, here finally comes self-awareness about his actions. Interesting tidbit.

Another big part of the character building we see now: when he is alone in Osaka, without Hana around, he's a complete mess. His new office is dirty, he barely eats some instant ramen and clearly just uses the place to escape Tokyo and the responsibilities he created himself. If in Y4 we saw him within his element, managing Elise and doing loan business (with a messy table because he's just soooo quirky and lazyyy \s), then in Y5 we get to see a bit of what's inside his head. And it's not pretty.

He's clearly distancing himself - from Hana and his new yakuza friends, because they have their own lives to care about. (Tanimura too mayhaps, but this is a separate friendship that I also like to talk about a lot)

Aaand he escapes to his ugly nook to have his ugly depressive thoughts. Can't let them witness it, can he? They'd lose all the respect for him.

At the same time, he throws himself into helping Haruka with passion, because that's the thing he actually cares about, for the first time in a couple years. (He also provides her with some much-needed parenting about the importance of being selfish, because, being raised by Kiryu, she's entirely too self-sacrificing.)

And suddenly - he's lively and energetic again, he's bouncing off other characters, he risks his life for what he deems right, he's helpful, organizing, charming. He's everywhere.

(But he's also afraid to acknowledge that he's got too close to people again. So he's ready to literally die for them and Haruka's dream, but avoids calling them friends, settling for "acquaintances")

Not much needed to imagine that, after everything settles down, he falls apart again. Because in his head he's never really needed or too important for the people around. They carry on with their life and plans. Such as Eri, Arai, Yasuko. Even Hana got fed up and left at some point, and has been keeping him at an arm's length since. (Good for her, that was unhealthy)

He's not only not that interesting, his trauma is "ugly" (by his self-admission). It's not heroic and it's very mundane. There's no clear villains to blame, like with Majima's torture in Y0.

It's just - waking up is hard. Akiyama can't see the point in much of what he's doing anymore. Money is just paper for him now, they might have bought him the freedom of choice, but somehow it didn't help. Even with all the financial help to struggling people he can't buy healing for himself. Most alive he felt actually was when he lost the money briefly in Y4 - it made him work to get them back again.

Now it gets a bit tricky, hence the TW.

I think that a lot of things about him actually make sense, if while living on the streets, he had it bad enough to the point of selling himself for food. Like, I don't want to make it into torture porn or downplay the traumatic experience of homelessness overall, but something for sure ruined him and his self-perception. That's why he's bouncing between playing a self-righteous entity and hating himself.

Aside from his crippling depression from all this being shunned deep inside and not addressed, there's the attitude about sex work I've mentioned he has in Y4. He is distancing himself from the situation yet again. A little bit of a trick to calm his mind: "If I treat it like every other job, it won't feel as dehumanizing applied to myself". And also: "Well, I was not above doing that! I was not too proud to do it! Why should anyone else be?"

Now, of course he doesn't want to subject his former boss (and, by extension, Eri) to the same hardships. Even though he is, actually, a bit of a cruel person.

So here's Akiyama in Y4-5. Not super pretty and kind of greasy, but nevertheless charming, gallant and crazy smart. Fighting and dancing and singing and networking equally well. VERY annoying, because he considers himself an expert in all things he read about even once (I also hc him eidetic memory, which makes it worse). And with every year getting more secluded and miserable.

That being said, fem ryuaki has slightly different tone even in all-fem AU because of gender expectations. Akiyama's upbringing for example.

I hc his parents seeing him as this very "proper" son, encouraging his risk-taking neurodivergent activity ONLY when it helped to build onto that image. They happily bragged about their son - with prestigious business degree, good banking job and pretty fiancée. But ofc, when it's all came crashing down, they didn't want to hear about him anymore. Nowadays they acknowledge his existance with some disdain, because they care about reputation more then about him or his wealth. And he has some "disgusting jobs, no respectable friends and no wife".

(It's all kinda complicated from both sides, mb I'll get deeper into it in fanfic that I'm writing)

(And forgive me for saying this, but fem Akiyama is more interesting for me to write in this narrative, because she needed to balance fitting "proper little quiet Japanese woman" with her loud banking career, and while she was always openly feminine, she was never proper or quiet "enough". And now she's "not enough" among actual living legends.)

Well, that's all I have to say for now!

I'm always open for further questions and discussions 😊

[igbylicious]

Ahem was gonna reply on the ask itself like I normally do, but it got too long, so welp guess you'll have to suffer through another ramble, but this should be more coherent as it's only midnight.

Fire sign pookie, it really had to be him, but I love him all the same because I still GET him. His frustrations also made sense, and I just loved the entire convo again. Bless you. I feel seen and healed 💚

Omg, it's word for word how I felt before I decided to fully embrace the aro label. I just wanted someone to prioritise ME for once, but honestly, that type of love never came to me. For a long while, I just thought I was too idealistic or got the ick too easily, but I just never genuinely felt romantic attraction to anyone. I'm so glad you got the friends who make you feel prioritised. Also coming from a group of friend where I saw a bunch of them do the marriage family thing just to speedrun straight to divorce then remember you exist again was brutal but by god did it not cement the fact that even that route doesn't bring security. People can just be a temporary joy in our lives ig and I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts.

And I do agree whichever way hits that itch of wanting people to just accept me as I am and have a meaningful friendship that comes with some extra benefits without thinking they can fix me because they're the next best thing after chocolate like bffr. Also, I love how it's bringing us all together like aside from our actual identities, and I hope we get to see more of that kind of inclusion. Truly, whichever way will definitely have a special place in my heart however it ends (I don't even want don't want to think of it ending. I love this fic too much).

I'm always here for moral support fr, and if you ever feel the need to hear it from a weirdo on the internet, feel free to reach out. XD

hey hey hey let’s be very clear; i never suffer through your asks!!! (´,,•ω•,,)♡

oh god the ‘and then they remember you exist again’ thing is so real yikes. it’s always a bittersweet feeling when ppl show back up in your life like that ☆(＃××)

and that is true abt temporary joy, you can never truly guarantee anything to last forever, so it is good to enjoy the moment — tho i’d also say; don’t make the same mistake that the reader did, don’t have one foot out the door already! ♡(>ᴗ•)

hehe i am glad the story can scratch the same itch for you! and ohmygod yeah, i hoped that other aro ppl would feel seen when i started posting this, and it has been incredibly amazing to hear from you and others!!! but it also feels real dang special whenever someone reaches out and is like ‘hey i am not aro but i do relate to this’ (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

askdjdaskj honestly at the rate that i keep adding more chapters, will we ever see this fic end? xD

and really, thankyousomuch, that support truly means a lot (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

[starrygalazy]

I keep seeing people doing this so this is my official ship list and some explanations. (Hell I may even take writing/drawing requests for the ones I like)

PSA: These are all my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I ask you respect mine, as I'll respect yours.

~'Love it' ships (aka I WANT THESE TO BE CANON or I LOVE THAT THESE ARE CANON)~

Genji x Mei (Aka my OTP): At first it was a joke ship bc I simp for Genji and kin Mei, but then it spiraled into thinking it'd be a really cute ship with a unique dynamic. Now they're my faves and I'll NEVER get tired of talking about them

Cassidy x Hanzo

Ramattra x Echo: Saw some cute fanart and it was OVER for me

Ana x Reinhardt

Bap x Mauga

Tracer x Emily

Soldier x Reaper

Gerard x Widowmaker: Their story makes me cry 😭 They both deserve sm better than what the world put them through

~'Like it' ships (aka "This is cute, but I like other ships more")~

Pharah x Mercy

Genji x Zen: This is only here bc Meiji takes top spot. When done right, this ship is so cute puppies and kittens are jealous. I also don't care too much about age difference here because, Zen's a robot.

D.Va x Brigitte

Mei x Zarya: Same situation as Genyatta

Lifeweaver x Bap

Cassidy x Bap: I definitely think Bap canonically has a crush on Cass (I won't break his heart, in at least a few realities they're together)

Mei x Lifeweaver: I've grown pretty fond of this ship and even wrote a fanfic (platonic) about them a while ago. They'd have such a unique dynamic either way, and I definitely am a fan

Lucio x Junkrat

Ashe x Widowmaker

Junkrat x Mei: The age difference has put me off for a while but I can't lie, it's kinda cute

Mei x Zenyatta

~'Meh/Nah' Ships (aka any I'm indifferent or negative abt)~

Genji x Mercy: For those who scream at any ship that's Genji x someone who's not Mercy or vice versa, I don't have a place for you here. To the nice Gency fans who're chill abt this, thank you. I just already have my favorite ship and some of you guys are way too toxic for me to really appreciate the ship. They're still besties in my mind tho, dw

Any type of *ncest: Please leave, thank you.

Any type of b**stiality: Same as *ncest. Leave the poor monkey and hamster (and all other animals) alone.

D.Va x anyone over 24: She's basically a child mentally, it's weird

Junkrat x Roadhog: I definitely think they're more like father/son, and I do NOT like that age difference.

Ramattra x Zen: It's just the fact they call each other 'brother' so often, so my mind is hard-wired to keep it that way

Soldier x Mercy

Sombra x Anyone: Sex-repulsed aro-ace Sombra supremacy 🙌🙌🙌 (queerplatonic is good tho), Bap's the only sorta-exception

And that's all for ships. I have a ton more but this is already a long post so I'm gonna end it here. Anything catch your eye? Pls let me know! Also here is the link to my ship chart which I'll update occasionally (so it's a bit less hectic):

https://www.tumblr.com/meibaestars/730349773528481792/i-got-bored-so-i-did-another-ship-chart-thing-with?source=share

(Btw I'll be editing this as I see fit and changing different ships most likely)

[bldwspr]

OKI ITS HEADCANON TIME

so . emalfs canon desing has piercings, right? he has like .. his ears, horns and tail pierced? and his tongue..? *went to check if I was right* yEA, he does, also his wings

based on that, i want to talk abt the flame trio and piercings

[kinda long post]

first .. i want to question why emalf has piercings in his horns?? ik other demons have it to but.. ahm.. arent horns bones? or at least something like that. I've seen people cut sheeps horns when they grow too much in dangerous places so probably doesn't hurt as much as.. piercing a bone. but still, the logistics behind it are kinda funny? like, do demons piercer shops have drills to drill into the horns? funa probably didn't think too much abt it and honestly? fair. it looks cool, thats a fact. but the thought of going to a place where they do piercings and instead of a needle they bring out a drill. its kinda funny.

also.. does piercings wings affect your flying capability? probably not much, i mean, you can still talk with a tongue piercing so why yk. but still, i like to think abt the healing process, like how you probably would be advised not to fly for some time, because if you fly the piercing will move and it'll be more difficult for it to heal, stuff like that

those are just some thoughts.. but now the most important part!

The Headcanons

Emalf already has a lot of piercings, most in places where.. people don't really have (eg. wings, horns, tail), and the places that people can pierce I'd say he's actually lacking. I mean, ears and tongue are not enough piercings for him.

Saying that, I think Emalf has an eyebrow piercing, some sort of nose piercing and a bridge piercing.

The eyebrow one seems very clear to me, it would fit his aesthetic perfectly, I don't know why he doesn't have one already. Hell, maybe both his eyebrows are pierced, I don't doubt it.

To Emalf, piercings are like hair dye. Oof, mental breakdown? Gotta do another piercing, I'll book an appointment for this morning. (It's currently four in the morning) That's why he has so many.

He pierced his own ear alone when he was like, 13, with a earing he wanted to wear. It ended up crooked and he asked Adauchi to help him with the other side. It still ended up crooked. He still wears the same earring since then.

After that he started going to a professional.

He needed permission from an adult because he was underage and the shop wouldn't pierce him because of it. Adauchi helped, forging Ivlis signature on the document, something he learned very early in life.

The first ones where ear piercings, including a industrial. After that, he pierced his septum, his eyebrows, his bridge, the tongue was the last one on his face. After that, he started piercing his demonic characteristics.

You may wonder.. Why does Emalf have a bridge piercing? He wears shades all the time. To that I say.. He spent way too much time and effort to find the perfect match of jewlery and glasses that wouldn't clash. Also probably more money than anyone should.

He and Poemi bought a pair of earrings and they each wear one, in the same ear. It was Poemis idea of course, but Emalf got more exited than her, he makes an effort to never let his hair hide it.

He does wear it on the side that Adauchi helped him with (Haha angst)

Poemi grew up watching Emalf get a million piercings, always thinking it was sooooo cool. You get to have jewelry on your whole body?? You get to have sparkle thingies on your face?? She always wanted one, or many. She wanted many.

Yes Poemi is very interested in shiny objects, much like a dragon. She's generally very dragon-like.

She'd never tell Emalf she liked his piercings tho. When Emalf promted her with the question, 7 year old Poemi said that so much gold on his face was to make up to the fact that he was ugly without it. The brutality of it was supposed to distract Emalf, so she would not have to tell him that she liked it.

It did work. Emalf was distracted enough.

Why didn't Poemi wanted to admit liking Emalfs piercings? Not give him the satisfaction. She's petty like that, always has been.

However. She did compliment Adauchis piercings, she said it made him look cool. Which was true. It did make him look cool. She'd never let Emalf discover that.

It was like Adauchi and Poemi little secret.. One of many. She loved sharing her secrets with him. Including how much she wanted to have her own piercings.

Before leaving, Adauchi helped Poemi pierce her ears also. Apparently, he's been training because this time it didn't end up crooked. She was so exited he had to stop multiple times during the process because she would move.

She spent the whole week bragging about her brother piercing her ears, to literally everyone she could.

She was unbelievably happy when she showed her father the earrings, because he told her they looked pretty. Then she bragged about her father liking her earrings for one week more.

Even when having her own earings, Poemi would continue to make fun of Emalf for his.

That's why, when older Poemi mentioned she wanted to do more, Emalf was as confused as ever.

She had to finally admit that she thought it was cool. But in her own way, which is.. A bit condescending.

"Did you really believed what a 7 year old told you? Of course they're cool, dumbass."

Emalf was more than happy to take her to get more piercings, but he didn't let her do a lot of the ones she wanted. They were there without her father knowing, after all. Emalf didn't really want to make the Devil mad by taking his teen daughter to pierce her body.

She was very dramatic about it but settled for more ear piercings.

What Emalf didn't expect was Poemi finding someone to do her piercings without permission from a adult. When she came back one night with her wings, tail and bellybutton pierced he panicked.

Her father didn't care enough, really. At that time he had stopped paying attention to her due to his job as a Devil. Which was only a excuse for Poemi to do more piercings.. and tattoos.

Poemi has more tattoos than someone her age should.

That is. Any tattoos at all.

She's terrible with healing. When they told her not to fly, she did. When they told her to wash it, she didn't. Somehow, nobody really knows, she's never got an infection.

She has a tendency to fidget with the rings on her tail. She keeps rolling them around when she's bored.

Poemi has a jewelry collection for the piercings she has. She likes to change it for every outfit and coordinate everything. It's surprisingly organized. Most of it is gold but she also owns silver, rose gold and random colors and shapes for some.

Adauchi got me thinking a bit more, I think he'd get his first piercing while helping Emalf falsify documents. Like, he'd falsify his dads signature for both of them, and they'd get their their piercings together. On the same spot. Because that's what bros do.

It'd be a helix or something, probably. Maybe two.

Funnily enough, both Adauchi and Poemi simply don't care about being caught by their father. Adauchi wouldn't actively tell him but he wouldn't hide it either, he just doesn't give a single shit about his father finding out.

And as always, he never noticed.

All of his piercings, at least from before he left the Flame World, he did with Emalf. Since he was always going, it was just easier. Plus he could make fun of Emalf of being scared, light-heartedly, of course.

He did hold his hand when he asked, so .

Different from Emalf and Poemi, all of Adauchis piercings are silver in color, not gold. He likes being a little more discrete, even if he still wears gold sometimes.. Just not on his face.

Before leaving, Adauchi pierced most of his ears and a bit of his tail, not being able to pierce his wings and horns because.. He doesn't have any. (Do we know why yet..?)

After leaving, the first piercing he decided to do was snake bites. Why? It just fits him perfectly.

It took a long time for him to actually do it, like years. His head was thinking about more important things.

But when he decided to do it, it was a bit bittersweet. He remembered Emalf, since they always went to get piercings together, and wished he could be there again. After that one he really didn't feel like doing another, it wasn't the same anymore.

Doesn't have as many piercings as Emalf and Poemi, could possibly have had more if he stayed. (Emalf really is the piercing influencer, everyone in a radius of him gets the urge to put metal on their bodies)

Out of the three, is the one with better hygiene in regards to the piercings. Part of the reason he doesn't want anymore is because he really doesn't like cleaning all of it.

At some point in time he lost a piece of jewelry and let the thing close, he just didn't care enough.

[fairyhaos]

yena !! i hope u still remember me ʕ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ it's the wind chime anon !! 🎐

how have u been omg (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠) i had my exams last month n i have da notifs on for way too many blogs on here so i just uninstalled tumblr instead,,, but im back now (i was about to send this ask sooner (2 days ago ?) but i was a bit scared lmao,,, but i just saw ur post about shua so i had to come and say hi >:3) but wahh congrats on all ur milestones ! before i left i think u were about to start ur 500 followers event ! ! n i think u crossed 1234 already !! and probably even more ! that's supa cool n 'm so so proud of you ☆૮꒰ˊᗜˋ* ꒱ა also i love love love ur new theme *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩

ooo n about finding jeonghan's colour,,, u looked at his pictures to figure out what colour he is ?? that's super intriguing actually. bcs the thing is idk if i have this type of synesthesia,,, im afraid what im doing is just strongly associating colours with people ? like the aspects of their personality play a major role in determining their colour but similar to the process of getting to know someone, it's v hard for me to decide on their colour. for example, jihoon. it's like, , the more i see him the more i feel like i don't even know him yk? for hansol, even tho i don't know what his colour is, i can at least tell that his colour would most prolly be a cooler shade. but for jihoon n sometimes even mingyu i can't rly figure them out? it's like i have options but i don't know for sure. n i don't rly know if this is synesthesia ?? lmdoajdjska i think i should just take the test by synesthesia battery but im just scared lmao </3

anygays i read the rest of your synesthesia posts and wahh, , yena ur just so talented. ur so cool ! ! i rly don't know what else to say. you have a way w words and it's as if i can feel the colors permeating through the descriptions. honestly it's such a gift to be able to share your vivid perception with others and i just wanna thank u for that (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠) i have sm to say about each member's colour and esp shua's but this got rly long so i'll do that in another ask ?? heh >:3

-🎐

WIND CHIME ANON OMGGGG YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU :<

i hope you've been doing okay!! how did your exams go????? literally i'd be sitting here and just thinking :(( i hope wind chime anon is doing okay in this world :(( haha ive missed you sm

it's okayy there's no need to be scared im super nice!! (i think?) thank u sm for loving my new theme too haha i love it a lot as well

and abt jeonghan: yeah! honestly synaesthesia is a really really different experience for anyone so i like to think of it as one of those sexuality labels. if you feel like it fits, then you're allowed to use it! those tests online are sketchy af anyways unless you wanna pay for a Real and Scientific Test

i think assigning colours to vibes and personalities is very interesting though!! i don't think i could do that haha, personalities have always just been so complex and different for me that a colour just doesn't come to mind at all (i don't think my synaesthesia works in that way lmao) so that's really really fascinating! honestly tho,,, im also struggling w jihoon too and maybe that's bc i haven't spent several minutes just Staring at his face yet but i just have a gut feeling that he's gonna be one tough cookie

aww thank u so much please that's so lovely to hear ^^ that really makes me the happiest oml, being told that people are able to feel my writing and my descriptions <3

aww yess please do lmk what you think of the others !! it's so nice to see you in my inbox again 💗

[the-healing-mindset]

Hii!! I don't know where to start with my experience but I saw some posts on your blog that I can relte to on a level I never did with other posts before so I thought I might get some useful advice from you, I was a VERY confident person, I never had trouble being myself, and never found trouble mingling anywhere. But last year the girls in my class were all very insecure and they just loved bashing me for simply not being insecure really. So, I realized I only had breakable confidence and it broke after these girls treated me sh!tty for 9 months straight.

I didn't realize it till around September last year, it was my first month in a new school and I noticed that I had zero social skills and I could barely move without thinking what people might say in their heads abt me, I kept hiding and avoiding the spotlight tho that's not like me at all! I even cried when a teacher asked me a question and I gave her a wrong answer. It was so bad almost like I was in another person's foot, like I'm not myself like I just existed yesterday.

Anyways, nothing changed the first semester I was just confused and crying everyday waiting for something to change, nothing did. I stayed like this for 130 days, then I started to actually work on myself and now, 145 days later I kinda made things better, I can stop hiding in public places. but still I can't stop feeling shame whenever I do something like myself. I really would love to know if you have tips on how to get rid of this feeling, the second semester is pretty close and I'm determined to get my full confidence back before it starts, also sorry if this is long but I just got too comfortable. :))

These are the asks I live for!!! Two things to start off. First, I want to thank you for submitting this ask because through it, I can see that you still know yourself more than you are aware of, something I'll get into deeper a little later. Second, I want to apologize in advance because my response will get a little lengthy, so no need to apologize on your part. I love the detail that you write with. 💜

I am so sorry that you have had the misfortune of dealing with shitty people. Really. I never use language like that, but I know the experience, so I won't beat around the bush, and it's a good thing that you aren't doing so either. You've looked through the blog already, so I won't make this response about me as you have likely seen my posts concerning the similar stuff, but I can relate to EVERY word you typed and each feeling that you described above. I know exactly how tough it is to go from having that confidence where you feel like you can conquer the world (or the days and weeks at least), to staying in bed because the world is just that scary. Hiding because you just get so tense that if anyone says anything to you, you freeze and get even more nervous and possibly burst out in tears because it's just so overwhelming. Not being able to assert yourself because you get so caught up in your head about how the other person may feel. I've been there. And I am working through this exact thing right now after nearly 18 years of having been treated that way.

Remember earlier when I said that you still know yourself more than it feels like? Most of that is because you have that awareness of how you feel down to almost a science. I recognized that immediately because I have a very similar trait. The detail of exactly how long you have been feeling a certain way and how long you have been working on yourself and getting better is something that not many other people are able to do. Having this awareness is helpful, which should give you some hope. Be proud of yourself for this. On to a few tips.

This may be annoying, because it was to me when I was looking for ways to break myself out of this state of mind, something that I began describing as "shell-shock," though I know that has a different meaning, but it helped me in further describing the feeling to myself. Though this wasn't meant to be the first tip - (and it isn't the annoying one either, lol, but this is how my thoughts have started to flow) - find words that are true to you to describe the way you are feeling. These words do not have to be appropriate, and they don't have to be kind, friendly, nice, or what ever other descriptor you want to attach. They just have to be true to you and to the way you are feeling. Journal and write these feelings out. You don't have to journal whole sentences at first. Start out with just maybe labeling at the top of the page, "words that describe how I feel" and go from there. Phrases can be included in this. Move on to whole sentences if you feel like that is something that would help you out. I know that it may be scary to keep a journal, especially if you live with others, which I did as I filled up my first seven of them. But writing really does help you process what you are feeling and what you are going through (think of the comfort you felt as you were writing to me.) That's the key.

Also just another piece to go along with this (tip 1.5). In addition to pen and paper, you could do little video journals of yourself using the front-facing camera on your phone. Almost like a vlog, but you will be the only one watching it back, and you can get more personal with it. I know it sounds a little weird, and it will be at first, but it's something that I started in early 2022 and it helped me because one of the missing pieces for me is that I had stopped seeing myself. I was no longer visible to the one person who could help me out of my situation. Make sure you look directly into the camera while talking your feelings out to yourself. When you play it back, you will be looking directly at yourself from the other side which can help you rebuild that social muscle. You don't have to stare at it the whole time, of course, but it allows for a more natural eye contact feel when you play it back. As I said, I know it's a weird one, but in our healing, sometimes it's the weird things that help us the most.

This second piece of advice is the annoying one that I was talking about, because it is one that everyone talks about nowadays. Meditation. I know. It isn't for everyone. I have started and stopped SO many times over the past 8 years, but I have finally gotten to a place where it helps. When I am not able to do meditation, I just do diaphragmatic breathing. In simple terms, it's just breathing deeply into your tummy instead of into your chest. The guide I linked from Harvard Med should give you a good idea of how to start out. With a little practice, you will be able to do this anytime without having to lie flat, but it really works wonders when you have time to do it that way. Recently, and I am talking just within the past two weeks, breathing this way has helped me out tremendously with that social anxiety that you were describing above. It allows me to get deeply anchored into my body and out of my thoughts for just a little while, which gives me space to feel freer and let more of my personality shine through. If you feel yourself getting tensed up, just try it out and see if you feel better. If regular meditation doesn't work, then guided meditations may help a little better because someone else is there guiding you along. It may take a little while to find ones that are suitable to you, but don't worry if you can't do that immediately. Please don't give it up just after a few tries if it doesn't work for you immediately. Feeling yourself get back into occupying the entirety of your body is something that helped me feel more like a person instead of just a reactive "thing" so to speak. I'm not saying that that is the way you are, but that is how I felt about myself - and still do from time to time when I am thinking about how I was treated.

Lastly, while you are in the midst of feeling off or tense, even if there are no other people in your immediate environment causing this, start talking to yourself as a mother would her child who is afraid. Another strange one, I know, but just bear with me. When I first noticed myself feeling like you described above, I had no idea what was going on, but after about two years, I noticed that in those moments, I felt like a scared and helpless child, a feeling that came back to me late one evening as I was writing, and that I remembered actually feeling when I was a child so many years ago. The remedy? Remind yourself that you are safe. As you are anchoring yourself in your body through your deep breathing, remind yourself that everything around you is okay. Remind yourself that you are a capable person and that you are capable of navigating your life, even if things get a little unfamiliar at times. I know it sounds a bit weird that you will be talking to yourself out loud, but try it when you are alone sometimes. If you happen to be far away from others for a few minutes, or at home with no one else around. After a while, you will be able to do this in your head when you're afraid or feeling tense, which means that no one will know the wiser. Also, going back to tip 1.5, you could record little voice memos for yourself and play them back during tough moments if you have some earbuds. Something calming and that puts you at ease.

Through all of this and as you continue to learn and grow, I hope that you become a safe person for yourself. Someone you come to rely on first and foremost. Not saying that you aren't now, because you do have that awareness and emotional intelligence that many people are lacking nowadays, you've just become a little insecure within your own skin based on other people, something I can relate to til no end. We just need to block them out and let ourselves in.

[machinati0ns]

--tipsyGnostalgic started pestering timaeusTestified!-- : TG: ok so we can make this work 4 the most part TG: but it dose need a couple minor changes TT: Well, don't leave me hangin'. TG: HANG on ill send it 2 u TG: changes.png TG: chnages.txt TG: also ill obvs send back the prototype TG: u mite need tht idk TT: Yeah, I might. TT: Thanks. TG: np TT: ... TG: ... TT: ... TG: ... TT: ... TG: so r u gonna tell me whats on ur mind or r we just gonna keep saying dots @ each other 4ever TT: ... TG: dots it is then! TG: ... TT: No, sorry, I'm just thinking. TG: yea lol when r u not TT: If it actually does go this quickly, we'll be a couple years ahead of schedule, won't we? TG: yep TG: all the better 2 get the drop on the batterwithc with TT: True that. TT: Time enough for us to get to know them too, hopefully. TG: ... TT: ... TG: i cant wait TT: I know. Me neither. TG: i miss her so much TG: even tho ive never met her TT: I know. TT: I feel the same way, believe me. TG: o trust me i do TT: ... TG: ... TT: ... TG: ... TT: So anyway. TG: GOD TT: Not to totally change the subject from our stunted and awkward emotional trauma bonding, but regardless of how long it takes, we should prepare sooner rather than later. TG: yeah way 2 ruin the moment striDICK TT: Yeah, yeah. Sorry. TT: But like I was saying. TG: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNH TG: i no i no TG: beliebe u me i have been thinkin bout this for YEARS TT: Beliebe? TG: R U NOT A BELIEBER DIRK???? TT: Is anyone these days? TG: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHNT x2 TT: Sorry I asked. TG: u better b! TG: but n e ways yeah ive been thinkin TG: about what to bring n what 2 leave behind TG: like food for xample. do u think well need 2 bring any TT: Presumably they will have some, given it's the 21st century and not the post-apocalypse. TT: But we should err on the side of caution. So maybe a small ration or something. TT: As well as anything we'll want to keep that wasn't already left for us. TG: not a lot o tht shit lmaooo TT: Yeah. TG: wat abt ur bot bros tho?? TT: ... TG: ... TT: I might be able to bring Squarewave; he's small enough. TT: Sawtooth, though... TG: o nooooo TT: I know. TT: I don't want to leave him behind, but he's so big. TG: could u make him smaller tho? r like a temp chassis till u can build him another 1? TT: Would I even have time to do that? TG: bro we got so much time TG: licterally all the time in the world TT: I'll see if I can. TT: I'd hate to have to leave any of them. TT: Will the carapaces be alright without you? TG: i gotta hope so @ least TG: theyre resilient lil guy i beliebe in them TT: I do, too.

[sunmoonclouds]

hiiiiii welcome to my lmk blog

slappin together an intro post to christian this blog or whatever. like breaking a champagne bottle on the hull of a ship or something. honestly idek if im gonna use this blog yet but yknow if i get the impulse i dont wanna have to do a bunch of prep work before i can so here we are.

i use they/them and am an adult. i dont feel comfortable divulging much else but that seems like the most necessary. and as for a name idek what i want to be called In General so if you need a name just make one the fuck up, probably based on my url or just the whole thing so i know you mean me. maybe not just "sun" though. anything else though go wild have fun maybe I'll finally FINALLY feel settled on a name.

slapping the rest under the cut bc hoooly shit. I'll slap a tldr at the bottom too but everything else is very extraneous no worries.

also as you may have noticed already i have severe yap disease. It Is Terminal i fear. but jokes aside i currently have a bad habit of Rambling For Actual Fucking Ever! i apologize in advance and ask for your patience in this difficult time etc etc whatever but in all seriousness this has happened to me before so i have reason to believe it'll get better eventually. it is seriously literally for real just a phase i prommy. or at least i hope so but yknow.

anyway onto actual lmk stuff. my faves r the monkey trio (which is another point in my long long trend of picking vanilla freaking ice cream as my favorite like come onnnnn) but yeah they're the ever 2 me. especially mk when hitting on his monkey plot thread it makes me want 2 eat my phone and chew thru drywall (/v v pos i tend to feel bitey when extremely excited) (i will read every monkey mk fic out there) (mark my words) (this is a threat /lh) but honestly i love them All. i will try and restrain myself from that sidebar tho. [flashbacks to the employment status incident.] . anyway continuing with more In General, i really like everyone's relationship dynamics too and love reading all sorts of fanfic with different takes on them!! like ofc i have my limits but im not picky i loooove different interpretations and angles. and with ships im pretty go with the flow (as long as its not weird). like I'll read just abt anything (as long as its not weird) especially if the writer can get me invested and they do majority of the time so! ya.

my url is based on the monkey trio like sun moon duh but clouds ive seen mk associated with a lot. like stars is the obvious continuation of that trope or w/e you'd call it but the boy has got more cloud vibes i think. also i think ive seen people translate his name to "little cloud" or he was just Called that? like a fanon term of endearment? it was probably a mistranslation or i am completely misremembering everything and just. mixed something up along the way. but regardless. he is now cloud boy.

✨tldr✨

idek if im gonna use this blog yet but im just prepping it in case i do

they/them, adult

if you need a name just make something up, probably from my url or just use it wholesale. maybe not just "sun" on its own though. otherwise as long i understand you're referring to me then hooray the name has served its purpose

disclaimer: i have terminal Will Not Shut Up Disease. but I'll probably get better. one day.

my faves are the monkey trio! (not very unique i know) especially mk in his monkey plot thread! i will consume every monkey mk fic out there mark my words-

but really i do enjoy everyone, especially their various relationship dynamics!

I'll read just about anything in terms of relationship interpretations and ships (as long as it's not weird) as people are so talented in making them interesting and getting me invested!

my url is a monkey trio reference! the cloud part might originate from me misremembering something, but mks just cloud boy to me now ig.

(ps if you know who i am NO YOU DONT!!! i doubt anyone would be able to Tell if they even found this but. im just not ready to deal with that yet. h.)

(pps i know this intro post is ass i will replace it one day but for now it'll do)

[abcdosaka]

other stuff

i bought britney's memoir day 1 and read it in two days. obviously. really really good i'm so glad i got it bc her voice is captured very clearly but also its written in a captivating way that really sparks my interest like i didn't wanna put it down. it was a better reading experience than i'm glad my mom died, like that book was great and it made me cry too but something about the way all the chapters were separated made it annoying to read sometimes.

the only reason i didn't read it all at once is bc i had to sleep and i was getting into the start of the conservatorship which was really hard to read. a lot of it is actually hard to read, esp the divorce and her being institutionalized, i think bc i'm kind of a stan so reading her personal feelings on everything was really tough. but anyway i cried twice

idk people were complaining like "we already knew all this tho" but you never heard it directly from britney?? like why are you complaining? didn't you wanna know britney's perspective on everything? how are you even a fan. i knew a lot of this stuff bc there have been deep dives on her and i've read them like a lot of her early life and the stuff abt her family history have been documented and aren't really a surprise to me but i always took them w several grains of salt bc you could never confirm this stuff unless she personally confirmed it, which in this case she did.

i even saw people saying they wanted her to talk about the original doll and her music like what? i don't think this was ever a memoir that was meant to be about her music i mean this is for her for express herself in her own words for once. well she did say that part 2 is coming next year so maybe she'll cover it there.

genuinely tho i can't understand wanting to lock people up like that its actually monstrous. and the only reason is bc they wanted to use her as a cash cow. and now everyone's like she keeps posting naked pics on ig :( was ending the conservatorship a mistake? like actually shut the fuck up. first of all, in general, infantilizing someone and making them helpless is not helping them develop any sense of independence in the first place. second of all, all she does is post naked pics and dancing vids with all the emojis like what is the problem!!!!! maybe its the cctv angle but she's like 40 please give her a break. maybe she's a little cringe WHO CARES shes literally just having fun and loving her body. she's literally not harming anyone. you think ppl should be institutionalized and 'handled' just for being a little weird?

anyway whatever i'm not engaging with the morons or conspiracy theorists anymore. people on the internet are so fucking dumb and lacking in any sense of understanding or empathy. the ppl that say she should be are always so judgemental and have horrible vibes and yet i'd still never say "we should put them in a conservatorship". like you go ahead and make your stupid decisions and say your shitty opinions on your own.

kinda on topic kinda off but when my parents get old enough that they can't function i really don't wanna put them in a home or anything even resembling a conservatorship type scenario. i'd hate to see them suffer or have no freedoms and elder abuse scares me icl. they're p dogshit at emotions and i don't particularly like to talk to them about serious shit and idk how i'll come out to them if ever but i do love them and i could never imagine that for them. and even just as a basic human right i want them to make their own decisions.

ugh i made this post so long too. but its been a while since i've been on my britney stan shit so its ok. ive been really into mamamoo again lately. another other ggs too. i really like le sserafim and g-idle. i used to kinda hate idle's music but i think its gotten a lot better lately bc queencard and nxde are soooo good. tomboy is good too but the lyrics are so strange that its distracting (like its okay in their other songs but in tomboy its just too much for me for some reason). le sserafim has really good title tracks and the rest of the album is like eh but epbw and antifragile are some of the best new music i've listened to, antifragile was so addicting.

also looking forward to: the red velvet album. red velvet either releases the greatest music ever or like the worst song i've ever heard in my life. there's more good than bad though so i'm excited. seulgi's solo album was soooo good i only just listened recently but its the groups best solo concept imo.

they're making a dungeon meshi anime and i'm actually excited!! my fav part of dungeon meshi was always the beginning and middle parts like the beginning is REALLY strong. there's also gonna be the love condition anime and that i'm a little less excited for bc that series is the opposite, it gets really good as the chapters go on but the beginning is like wow hananoi you really gotta chill and the anime will only adapt that initial portion :/ will still be watching tho

can't think of anything else but it was nice to write random shit after a while of not doing that. i feel good :)

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 14

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: viola

em: holy shit

em: i think viola could hold a truly ridiculous number of things in her hands

em: danis like i have a little fanny pack right here- and violas like (turns up nose) absolutely not

obsetress: pre therapy viola during her relationship w dani: buys dani a birkin too, is like "here baby, so you don't have to use that fanny pack"

obsetress: dani's like "oh. i, um. like my fanny pack"

obsetress: viola therapy era after her relationship with dani: buys her a hermes fanny pack instead

obsetress: jamie rolls her eyes but dani is literally

em: i think a lot abt viola offering solutions completely unprompted n then being really offended when ppl dont take her up on it

em: pre therapy obvs

obsetress: SAME

obsetress: oh link is gross

obsetress: cost is grosser

obsetress: but viola lloyd dropping $2550 on a fanny pack for her ex gf? chefs kiss

---

obsetress: ok just remembered viola slouching or leaning or w/e n like

obsetress: brain practically applying that to exes au and imagining when and where she'd slouch n everyone's reactions to htat

obsetress: bc like she has perfect posture but when she chooses to do it it's a power move

obsetress: and i. hm

em: yeah

obsetress: viola sitting up stock straight when they first get to brunch and as soon as she's ordered her bloody mary shes pulling off her sunglasses and dropping them on the table and just sinking back

em: how to phrase this w/o sounding too much like a whore

em: actually no way to say this but like i feel v strongly abt the way we make women take up less space wrt to knees together calves touching type deal and i think maybe

em: maybe viola can manspread a bit as a treat

em: hate that term but i cant think of a better one

obsetress: nah she does n it's hot

obsetress: just had this image pre divorce of viola and arthur at marriage counseling on opp ends of the couch n arthur's sitting v tight close and vi is just

obsetress: leaning and spreading a lil

obsetress: the first time jamie sees her do it she's so taken aback

obsetress: because she's NOT expecting it

em: jamies like ah ok late in life lesbian deal and then jokes on her viola is fluent in dyke slouch

obsetress: jamie immediately trying to suss out just how long viola has been fucking women

obsetress: she says to dani later "i thought she was all proper like" and dani's like "she is" and jamie's like "so wot was that then" and dani's like "well, people are gay, jamie,"

em: ghfjhgljkJFDASJKKJFGA

em: jamies like so wait how long HAS viola been

obsetress: jamie: so you were vi's first serious girlfriend right? dani: dani: jamie: right???????

em: violas been fucking women longer than jamie has lbr

em: i mean shes clearly only 35, jamie,

obsetress: jamie: so... vi... viola: hm? jamie: you're, uh, gay, right? viola: obviously jamie: right. well dani told me you've been dating women since–– viola: since i was 15, yes jamie: but you married a man

em: violas like u went to jail everyone does stupid shit occasionally

em: jamie: so how long have you been dating women viola: since i was 15 jamie: no i meant like. in years viola raises her eyebrows and jamies just like haha nevermind fuck

obsetress: she tried!

obsetress: she tried

em: jamie on her 35th birthday pencilling 'many happy returns' into violas ????th 35th birthday card

em: yknow i think

em: i think something's afoot

obsetress: jamie, giving up on the direct approach

obsetress: slipping in next to rebecca at the wine bar

obsetress: "becca"

obsetress: "hi, jamie" "hi. how old is your girlfriend"

em: am fucking losing it thinking abt jamie like. realising how much gay energy viola has

em: like taken ABACK

obsetress: fksljfLKSDJFLJ

obsetress: just like

obsetress: why are jamies reactions to viola so funny

obsetress: montage of jamie realizing how much gay energy viola has

obsetress: jamie watching viola sitting

obsetress: jamie watching viola pick up a variety of glasses and mugs

obsetress: jamie watching viola compare hand sizes with dani, jamie's girlfriend and viola's ex girlfriend who she dated for literal years and whose hand size she definitely already knows

em: NOT THE HAND SZIES

em: they go for a walk and viola immediately complains about the sun and jamie's like

em: i have a spare hat but ur not gonna like it

em: its a snapback that says daddy or smthn in gold, owen got it for jamie for her bday, jamie Loathes it

obsetress: BYE

obsetress: viola looks better in it than jamie does

em: jamie has that

em: am i attracted to viola? moment

em: it passses

em: she has already compartmentalised the weird psychosexual power play

em: queen of compartmentalising

obsetress: jamie: had another one of those moments today dani: what moments? jamie: where i thought i might be attracted to vi dani: well, you did let her fuck you... what was it, four? times in one night, so

em: jamie; yeah but like that aside

em: jamie 'thats neither here nor there' taylor

obsetress: she is the queen of compartmentalizing tho

em: i was gonna be like. 'jamies like wait i dont remember saying four' but. i think she would tell dani

em: because the flip of that is dani callin up vi n i dont think she would necessarily

obsetress: i think she would and dani would make her anyway

obsetress: well make her is harsh but

obsetress: dani would very curiously ask in very convincing ways

em: lovingly coax it out of her

em: dani: what if i fucked you four times in o

obsetress: dani: let me do five

em: viola probably wears so many rings jamie doesn’t even clock the ever present thumb ring

obsetress: jamie just. writes it all off

em: am laughing abt like. viola v meticulously taking off every single ring and putting it in its proper location before...

obsetress: there is something. so hot about that

obsetress: im gonna scream i think

em: i was just meming and now im thinking abt it and

em: truly played myself

em: actually this is me refusing to unpack whatever the hell theo crain gloves made me feel

obsetress: sdkfmsldjfa

obsetress: fair

em: sublimate it into rings

obsetress: i just like um

obsetress: thinkin about when she and dani are together and like

obsetress: it's intentional and everything has its place but vi also makes a show out of it

obsetress: and like

obsetress: she's SO painstaking about it and definitely makes dani wait a little bit and

em: helps dani outta her big ass earrings

em: i mean dani doesnt even Need the help

em: viola meticulous lloyd

em: i mean she just wears so much goddamn jewellry

obsetress: she can tell when dani's getting impatient and goes even slower

em: viola has like

em: viola is one of thos ppl thats really into expensive watches

obsetress: !!!!!!

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: nice lil canon nod too

em: she drags dani to antique auctions n danis like i cant. actually tell the difference between the real and the forgery and violas like (passionately explains it for like 30 minutes) and dani is

em: like shes mentally checked out but also v intensely watching violas hands as she points to the parts of the watch

em: rebecca gets it tho

em: rebecca Gets It

obsetress: dani shoving vi into the bathroom at the auction house and tugging vi's hand between her legs v rebecca grabbing her own auction paddle and bidding against viola for the same watch

obsetress: (rebecca n vi fuck in the car on the ride home)

em: dani grabs a paddle n mimes spanking viola n then the auctioneer is like '$250 to 201' and danis like aw Fcuk

em: violas like i cant take u Anywhere

obsetress: dani gives her the 🥺😌and viola's immediately over it and pulling out $250

obsetress: dani: i didn't even want it, i was just–– vi: i know dani: what am i even gonna do with a–– vi: i'll sell it for $500 at a private auction next week dani: so technically i'm making you money dani, grinning: it's like i'm your employee dani: do you have any more assignments for me, boss? vi: dani get your hand out of my pocket i need to focu––