#I'll be honest I'm not the biggest fan of the second one but it certainly got me some compliments so

[camellcat]

some doctor who cyanotypes I made for my photography class that I just realized I never shared

[ashenlavellan]

Dragon Age: The Veilguard - Personal Thoughts from a COMPLETED Playthrough. [MAJOR SPOILERS]

[Major spoilers ahead - all I will say to those of you that are on the fence with this game? Do it. This game is so worth it and I have just finished it. Like, literally an hour ago - while it's still fresh on my mind.]

Leave this post if you don't want to be spoiled - story-wise and specifically if you want to romance Lucanis. There will be MAJOR spoilers ahead.

So, I just finished DA: The Veilguard and I was utterly blown away. I will admit that I was amongst the crowd where I would play this game, but was very hesitant to and had my reservations. I had my expectations low.

A lot of reviewers and DA enthusiasts on other platforms had me discouraged to give this game a chance and I'm glad that I spoke of this with mutuals and decided to give this game a chance.

Now, my first concern that I will address - the combat.

I was a bit concerned about this when I initially heard some people describe it as a 'hack-and-slash' and while I have no issues with that (MAJOR Devil May Cry fan here - I love that shit so much!) - it's not what I would usually associate with Dragon Age.

My experience may be different that others, but I played as a Shadow Dragon Mage - mainly followed through with the Evoker specialization, too. I mainly played with orb/mage-knife and sometimes I switched to the staves if the fight was a bit too difficult to play closer. I'm glad that this was implemented because I disliked playing as a mage in Origins and enjoyed that it was faster pace in DA2/DA:I - this felt like I could choose if I wanted to continue with the faster pace (orb/mage-knife) or a little slower, but stronger attacks at a distance (staff).

It will certainly be different if you play as a rogue/warrior, but I loved the duality as a mage and I think I'd play as one again since I grew very comfortable/adept with the controls.

Now, the concern that most people had - tactical use?

There is an ability wheel, reminiscent to the one that Mass Effect has, but it offers suggestions for what moves can be used as a combo if you select them for your companions. It's best if you try to avoid having two rogue/two warrior companions because they will have the same affects that their abilities can do. If you have a mage/warrior or mage/rogue, then it's easier to combo their moves.

To be honest, I never truly used the tactical options in the earlier games and just played as is. I know others like the earlier games because of these things, but it wasn't the biggest concern for me when it came to that... It was mainly going from three companions down to two of them, and how the combat flow would feel like.

Combat? 9.5/10

My second concern that I will address - the cameos.

Now, because of the trailers and what-not, we already figured out that Morrigan, Varric, Harding, and our Inquisitor would show up. [I'm still so happy that I had the chance to customize my Inquisitor and luckily enough, I'll just try to match her appearance as close as I can when I officially play.]

I was NOT expecting my dear friend, Dorian Pavus, to show up when he did and the fact that he had a link to the faction that I picked! I was so excited to see him once more, but...

I was even MORE excited to see my favorite, sassy pirate-lady Isabela! But, she's now one of those in charge of the Lords of Fortune!

These were the only cameos that I had not expected, but there were mentions of other characters!

Like Merrill, when talking with Isabela after a fight in the Hall of Valor! Or, a note during a loyalty quest with Taash that shows that Sten [from Origins] had joined with the Antaam. Hell, even Aveline posted up as the acting-Viscount of Kirkwall!

As well as the fact that Harding mentions members of the Inquisition, and at some point, Solas reflects on the memories he had during his time with the organization as well.

I do wish that we had more cameos, but I'm actually pleased that there were mentions of characters from earlier games that hadn't been mentioned again beforehand.

Cameos? 8/10

Now, my third and final concern - the story.

So. Much. Story.

I had been concerned about this game before its release and how it would handle the story - especially after Trespasser and when Solas first revealed himself to be Fen'Harel. Which was groundbreaking when it happened!

Some of the fandom had concerns, myself included, when we realized that only three decisions that mattered when it involved earlier games and it was all from DA: Inquisition. Nothing from Origins or DA2 - even then, however, it was not much to really tip the scales in DA: The Veilguard.

The decisions being - who did your Inquisitor romance, did they disband the Inquisition, and were they wanting to save/stop Solas?

Now after finishing the game?

The amount of thought that went into side-quests that actually had an impact on the plot/major decisions? The faction quests? The loyalty quests?? The impact from past decisions affecting the last portion of the game???

There was so much writing that went into this game, obviously, but I hadn't realized how much thought each decision you make plays a part within this story - whether small or big!

I sincerely and whole-heartedly enjoyed the writing and the companions involved in our story - I was so excited each time a loyalty or mission specific to them popped up and we delved deeper into their backgrounds, their factions, and everything else involved!

There was so much newer lore to consume, especially with Minrathous/Tevinter since we've never been this far north in Thedas, but I absolutely devoured each little piece I could get and would sit there... reading the missives and codex! However, I can understand that some may be frustrated since it doesn't delve deeper into past lore with some cases.

As one final side-note for this - even if you do all of the side-quests and content, you will have an ending just like my own... At least one person on your team will die. I did everything I could and chose, basically all of what seemed like the right decisions, and I still lost one person on my team that resulted with me sobbing like a baby with how brutal the death was in the scene...

Story? 9/10

Now, the best part of this post - the romances.

Where do I begin with Lucanis' romance?

It's like, the second I found out that there was yet again, another assassin from Antiva who was aligned with the Crows - I was immediately sold.

Before I continue - everyone? Thank his writer, Mary Kirby, from the bottom of your heart for writing such a thoughtful, protective man - whether or not your Rook romances him.

Now, continuing -

His romance is so fucking good that I have over 100 saved clips on my console of shared moments between Lucretia/Lucanis to the point where my console was like - you need to make space if you want to be a fiend for the scenes.

You bet your fucking ass I made space.

I want to completely gush over his romance and spoil things, but I'm holding all of that back because I plan on writing those scenes and then some since I AM a fanfiction writer. I'll only share one thing with all of you...

When Lucretia and Lucanis slept together, you can bet your ass that he brought out those damned wings. [Also naked/semi-naked cuddling in the scene afterwards.]

So yeah, those are my final thoughts after playing Dragon Age: The Veilguard and after finishing the game... I'm so glad that I decided to give this game a chance and I certainly feel like it was worth the price, for the amount of content there was and story-telling.

I'm also glad that I listened to some of the reviews - there were reviews from a couple of the devs from BG3 and had plenty of praise for this game! I'm glad I gave this game a chance, especially since there's so many options to choose from and replay-ability like BG3!

[seregios-seer]

Monster Review: Plesioth

So I kinda wanted to save this one until I got to Green Plesioth in 3U (yes I’m still not at G Rank, I wanted to try Alatreon before I started hun quests but I think I’ve given up now), but that’ll take a while so instead I want to tackle this fish before it tackles me. So I actually sit on the side that really enjoys Plesioths design, there’s something primarily powerful looking in it. Even with the admittedly derpy run, Plesioth still feels surprisingly threatening to witness. It’s especially helpful that I first saw it in 3U, where naturally being a fish monster it thrives. The solid eyes, incredibly spiny yet natural body, and honestly really cool colors all make Plesioth a surprising favorite design of mine. I hadn’t realized until I first fought one, but when people said Plesioth was massive, they meant MASSIVE. I genuinely didn’t expect Plesioth to be quite as big as they are, and coupling that extreme size with how they’re usually found well into High Rank, it wasn’t hard for the games to sell Plesioth as a real threat.

3U (DB): So, by nature of being an underwater combat game, 3 Ultimate serves Plesioth really well. Underwater is where you'll be for the vast majority of the fight, and it's also by far the most interesting. So Plesioth can obviosly swim rather faster underwater for positioning and attacks, but being hit while it's swimming is only somewhat dangerous, but since it's such a constant threat, is still pretty noteworthy. Plesioth also uses its tail in several attacks, from a sweeping turn that's most dangerous going for part breaks on the tail and wings, as well as one of my personal favorite attacks where it twists around and flicks itself tail over head and deals some serious damage. That last attack isn't too threatening due to the long windup, but that may be because of my weapon of choice's fast evasion, and the attack deals some pretty serious damage. Plesioth also uses a hyper pressurized water jet, which in High rank at least it simply fires straight ahead of itself, so as long as you're paying attention, you're not really in danger from this one, although being hit and blighted can be seriously annoying. The final, and probably most standout attack from the waterborne move pool is Plesioth's breach. It positions itself, flies out of the water and comes crashing down after a second or two. This attack can be devastating if you're hit, and also looks pretty spectacular with a monster this big, so I'm quite a fan. When it comes to ground combat however, Plesioth is pretty much identical to the GU encounter I talk about later, so I'll stay brief here (and apparently nowhere else lol). On land, Plesioth has the famous hip check and tail sweep, neither of which I really felt as threatened by as expected since I never really bothered trying to hit anything beside the legs with my limited weapon reach, so I was mostly immune to them. Plesioth's run and thrashing attacks are more dangerous, and can honestly be pretty annoying when the ai decides to loop into them over and over, meaning your just running around to be smacked away so you're only up in time to be hit again. The most notable difference from the GU fight is really only in Plessy's bite, which in this game doesn't seem to inflict sleep for some reason. I'm not gonna question why it was removed, but I'm certainly curious.

4U (Casting Machine): This fight's easy as hell! Plesioth's literally the easiest thing to hit in the game and it only take one to kill. I could do this one irl.

GU (Various): I was initially a bit nervous for this one since I’d heard some terrible things about a predominantly land Plesioth, but if I’m being honest, it wasn’t nearly so bad as I thought. The biggest issue with this fight actually is how hard it is to break parts. I took Plesioth on mostly with Adept Dual Blades and Aerial Insect Glaive, and this fight felt right at home with those two styles, especially IG, where it was really easy to keep the pressure on the fish the whole time, really only stopping to sharpen (and heal when I inevitably got hurt trying to sharpen). For actual attacks, I’ll just get the water beams out of the way first, since I want to get through Plesioth’s underwater attacks first, and it really only has the one (in High Rank at least). So the straight beam of pressurized water Plesioth uses the most often is pretty easily avoided, whether in land or sea. There’s a great deal of windup to the attack, and the hitzone’s fairly small, so it isn’t often you even have to dive to evade it, just pick a direction and walk. The sweeping spray Plesioth occasionally does however is far more threatening, as I was far more likely to be hit by it thinking I could rush the fish after it missed the first sweep. I’m never right, so I just keep getting hit anyways. Aside from the water jets, Plesioth really only fights with some basic physical attacks, although they still come off as shockingly fresh just due to the sheer size and weird movement that comes with being a leggy fish freak. The most famous of Plessy’s attacks are pretty obviously the hip check and tail sweep, but I’ll be honest they were less of a problem than expected. The hip check was simple enough to dodge unless I was in an attack combo and couldn’t roll, which usually felt like my fault for greed anyways. And the tail sweeps were pretty cleaned up from the obscene hit boxes I’ve heard of from the early gens. It felt fair enough to dodge since it does look low enough to hit a standing character nowadays rather than fly over them, and since the legs are the easiest to hit, it was also pretty often that I didn’t need to worry about it at all. Plessy’s last big attack is the sleep-inducing bite, which frankly I actually kinda love. The sharklike look on Pleaioth already looks scary, and gets even worse when it leans around to snap at your face with what feels like real force. I never actually had to worry about sleep though since I found out pretty early on if you make a beeline for the feet, Plesioth will follow that bite up with small stomps almost every time, knocking you out of sleep state and doing just about zero damage. I’m actually pretty proud of this trick since it felt like such a unique workaround that’s never fly outside of this fight.

Rating: 8.6/10

Insert 'fish fear me' joke here

[wholelotofweird]

Okay, gamers, the first quarter of the year is over and I want to share with you the books I've consumed thus far.

I've recently been using StoryGraph and damn, it's really fun if you like data and also logging the stuff you read. Would recommend. I say that, because a number of these books were consumed thanks to one of the challenges they've set for the year, to read a number of books in different categories. Let me say, this is the most diverse spread I've read in YEARS. So. Anyway.

Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses, by Kristen O'Neal

I would 100% recommend reading this book, if you are able, in print format instead of audio. There are a number of sections where the main characters are talking over text chat and I'm not sure how well that would translate over audio.

This book had me saying, "They're just like me fr" non ironically multiple times. It's such a lovely look at friendship and building our own communities and struggling with chronic illness. There is at no point any gatekeeping of what a chronic illness should look like or what a person with a chronic illness needs to look like.

The one thing that I didn't love was the fact that a white author picked first person POV of a POC. It isn't the best choice. I feel better about it after looking through O'Neal's website where she has readily admitted that it was a choice she would not make again. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of not making the "monstrous" character a POC.

Overall! I really enjoyed this book. It's a pretty fast read, but it is heartwarming and hopeful and full of genuine joy.

A Magic Steeped In Poison, by Judy I. Lin

This book was SO fun! Magic, romance, court politics, betrayal. What more could you want? Other than the magic system being tea based. That's right babies, TEA BASED! Monch monch monch, what a beautiful system I am in love.

This is another fast read. I've always been a sucker for magical tournaments and historical fantasy. If any of that is your vibe I would absolutely recommend picking this up. I know there is a second book, but I haven't had the opportunity to read that one yet.

Found, by Margaret Peterson Haddox

Now... Like I said... I was picking books for a reading challenge I'm doing. This one was from "read a middle grade book you never read", so I am FULLY aware that I am not the audience for this book.

That being said, oh my god, this was a rough one. I think my biggest gripe is that the cast are all 13-15 year olds but you would never know it. They're out here acting like 20 year olds. Maybe when I was 13 I would have been able to buy it, but at 30-whatever I am not. This is the first of multiple books and I can't say I regret not reading more.

Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers, by Deborah Heiligman

So, I'll be honest, the reason I was drawn to this was because I got to see this amazing Van Gogh art instillation last year. Part of that instillation was a display of excerpts of the letters between Vincent and Theo, and let me tell you, that is what made me cry.

This book is certainly nothing ground-breaking. It's a biography of these two men. It tells their stories at the same time, side by side. I also cried reading this.

Am I emotional? Is it because I have younger siblings I'm very close to? Is it because I, too, am mentally ill and an artist?

Who knows, gamers.

Quackery - A Brief History of the Worst Ways to Cure Everything, By Nate Pedersen & Lydia Kang, MD

Again, nothing groundbreaking. This book is a funny and informative look at medical process through history. I'm a sucker for medical history. I did listen to the audiobook for this and I think it really helped the humor shine. If you're also a fan of bizarre medical history (or the podcast Sawbones), this is the book for you.

The Devil in the White City, by Erik Larson

I enjoyed this book! For a person who is bad at remembering names, though, it was difficult to follow at times. There were so many players in the conception and realization of the Chicago World's Fair that I would lose track of just who I was hearing about.

That said, it was a very cool look into the trials and tribulations that went into making the spectacle a reality. This book managed to touch on SO much, not even to it's detriment. Despite getting confused by names the main through-line was easy to follow. I was invested start to finish.

In the Vanishers' Palace, by Aliette de Bodard

Do you like beauty and the beast retellings, but instead the beast is a very cool dragon, and also it's hella gay??? Then do I have the book for you! It does one of my favorite sci-fi things where there is a world, there are facts of that world, but you aren't supposed to learn them. Those aren't what matter, they are simply table setting. It's a beautiful story. I do wish there was a bit more depth into the romance, but that's just me.

Beautiful, atmospheric, and emotional. Lovely book.

A Marvelous Light, by Freya Marske

Damn, the pining in this book??? Truly a wonder.

This book is such a lovely blend of interesting plot, intriguing magic system, and just lovely gay romance. I've been trying to consciously read more queer books this year and so far I am having a wonderful time. I'm going to be 32 this year and for the first time since I was a pre-teen I'm seeing myself really reflected in books. It's such a fuckin' cool experience. I'm an emotionally compromised teenaged girl.

[dvpendable]

🎻, 💚, 🤔

DETAILS ABOUT YOU › ANSONG MEME WEEKEND 001. current status: still accepting / not accepting! . . . 🌱

🎻 — do you play any instruments? what is your current skill level?

"you know how people say that you can have two left feet when dancing? that's kind of like me, but with instruments," danbi lets out an embarrassed laugh, the apples of her cheeks tinting pink as she shakes her head a little at his question. "i'd love to learn how to play the piano one day, but i'm just . . . not the best at that sort of thing, to be honest." she had such admiration for the type of people who were musically talented, knowing that perfecting the artistry was no easy task to achieve. danbi wasn't someone who was blessed with such virtuosity, and had two left hands, so to speak. "but hey, maybe if you're not too busy on your next day off, we can go to a recital or concert or something," she beams at nic, offering up the invitation. "i'm not good at playing music, but i'm pretty good at listening to it. that'd be fun, don't you think?"

💚— do you prefer being inside or outside?

"hm, these days . . . i'd like to stay inside, but only because it gets dark out earlier with the days getting shorter, you know?" the thought that winter was now upon ansong pulled the smallest frown at the corners of her mouth, the brunette missing the warmer days filled with sunshine and white, fluffy clouds. she wasn't the biggest fan of nighttime, either, and the small amount of time she had to see the sun before darkness settled upon the city made her a little sad. she couldn't wait for the days to begin to stretch again, and the flowers start to bloom once more. "but it'll be spring before we know it, right?"

🤔 — what do you think are some of your quirks or unique mannerisms/traits?

"i'm not really sure if this counts, but i'm . . . a big believer in superstitions," she admits quietly, cheeks heating up again as she glances towards the floor. "not always the most known ones, because little black kitties are certainly not bad luck, in my opinion, but i'll avoid walking under ladders, and i'll try counting steps sometimes because it's unlucky if you enter if the last number is uneven." she wonders if she's answering correctly, and brings her hands up to play with the locket dangling from her necklace. "oh, and i'll play with this sometimes too," she says, as if realization hits her the second her fingers touch the precious metal. she looks at nic a little bashfully, hoping she didn't let him down with her answers. "would you consider that a quirk?"

notes from rose: (tw: mention of mental health disorder) danbi deals with mild obsessive compulsive disorder and can at times display behaviors like "magical thinking" where she thinks her actions and/or thoughts in daily life can influence events, on par with mimicking superstitious beliefs. this would be what i'd consider her most notable quirk and/or unique mannerisms, but she also has a tendency to play with her locket and/or the hem of her clothes when she's nervous or deep in thought askjfd; that's all i got for now!

[yankpop]

Yandere Idol!BTS - How they manipulate you to stay with them (Maknae Line)

All copyrights belong to @yankpop (aka me) so do not post/translate my works on any other platforms without my consent/knowledge.

Check more: Masterlist.

WARNINGS: Emotional manipulation; blackmail; financial dependency; toxic army with hate.

AN: This is a scenario where BTS is an idol but it's certainly not a reflection of them in real life, so if you're not comfortable reading this then don't. Hope you guys like it💖

-

(Hyung Line)

-

Jimin

Jimin constantly reveals you his insecurities and fears and therefore he is going to make you feel like shit if you ever try to break-up. Don’t you know how stressful and hard his work is? Don’t you know how much he hurts and suffers? Then why would you ever try to break-up? To make him more miserable? He makes sure that you know that you’re his favorite person in the world, the only one who can make him feel better and that without your support and love he’s gonna break down. You’re the beacon that always guides him. You’re the light and happiness of his life.

Even if you try to stay determined to end the relationship and leave, Jimin knows exactly which strings to pull in order to bring you back. He’ll put up the heart-broken act and make sure to behave devastated in whatever variety shows or interviews the group has. All the fans will notice the change and consequently you’ll notice.

He knows that you’ll feel incredibly guilty and conflicted, but if you still don’t reach out then maybe what you need is a little push. Probably one of his bandmates will then confide with you about Jimin’s low state and beg for you to at least talk to him and give him your support. Of course that once you do so, he’ll overwhelm you with all of his desperate and agonizing emotions and how his life seems dull and meaningless without you on it. Basically a lot of emotional manipulation from this boy.

“I know I'm not good enough for you and that I'll never be. Is that why you’re leaving me? I just feel so empty without you by my side.”

V

I think Taehyung would be the type of boyfriend that would spoil rotten his gf and that’s how he gets you to stay. Not saying you’re a gold digger, but let’s be honest, it feels amazing to have a boyfriend that treats you like a queen. He basically worships the ground you walk in, takes you to romantic vacations whenever he has the time to do so, takes you to shopping sprees where he buys you an unhealthy amount of designer dresses that you use whenever you guys have date night at exclusive 5 star restaurants. He basically pays for your rent and any other bills, so it’s a very relaxed and lavish life that you have.

All of the good side of dating Taehyung overcomes the negative ones, like him being so incredibly clingy that you even need to ask for permission to go out with friends or even family. That the biggest fight you guys ever had was about you keeping your job when he didn’t want that and he had such a violent change of personality from a docile boyfriend to a very temperamental man that you tried your best not to experience that ever again. That you have a curfew to be at home. Or that he often has a female staff follow you just in case his princess needs any help. In the end, you always give in because he loves and cares for you. Besides, isn’t it nice to have a man that always takes care of you?

“I know you’re upset about not going to that friend’s dinner, but how about this? Tomorrow night I'll take you to the best restaurant in Seoul. Doesn’t that sound much better than that trashy restaurant your friends went to? Only the very best for my princess.”

JK

You know how unhealthy the relationship is. The fact that Jungkook is such a toxic boyfriend, always jealous if you so much as glance at another man. Not to mention, crazy possessive over you, always dragging to whatever schedule and activities the group has.

But you just can’t bring yourself to leave him, too afraid of his reaction. If Jungkook seems ready to kill someone if you chat for 5 seconds with a male, then how would he react if you tried to break up? That’s something that frightens you, how unpredictable he can be sometimes.

Whenever you fight, the fear of saying the wrong thing and triggering him always lingers around. The hand-shaped evidence in the living room wall is still too fresh in your memory, reminding you of Jungkook’s destructive strength. Not to mention that the vicious way he sometimes mentions your family scares you. What if he lost his mind and ended up hurting them?

You often fantasize about leaving him and starting a new life where you can be free and do whatever you want, but you also know that Jungkook would do his very best to make your life a living hell. A few times he made sure to clarify that the only way you’d leave him was in a body bag and you don’t doubt that one bit.

Especially because you know what happened to his previous girlfriend, something he vigorously tried to hide but that you eventually found out by some staff members. So you try to bear with him for your own safety, terrified of the consequences.

“Why was that guy looking at you? Did you just smile at him? Why did you even look at him? Do you think I’m that dumb, is it?

-

Tags:

@mwitsmejk

[artekai]

lying + pancake + moon + spider + clover + megaphone (v curious abt voice claims if you have any 👀) + present + package + rainbow + red heart + green heart for kai!!!!!!!!!!

Hell yeah!!! Thank you so much my beloved!!!!!!! 😘

Under the cut because I got a bit carried away, haha! ^^

🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they're lying?

He's not a great liar, but he's not Ann lol. Something he tends to do when he has to lie is that he anchors himself in a half truth as a base, if that makes sense? It's easier to pretend when not all of it is a lie. As for tells, hmm 🤔 I feel like his eyes dart around a lot more. As in, glancing at you to watch your reaction but only for a few seconds before you get suspicious, that kinda stuff.

(I feel like the difference between him lying and him being honestly vulnerable is that when he's opening up in earnest he'll mostly avoid looking at you out of embarrassment. He's more over the place when he's lying, you know?)

He probably also just does what he usually does when he's nervous, but that's easier to mistake for honest vulnerability, heh ^^

🥞 PANCAKE - what is their comfort breakfast?

Oh, I haven't really thought much about it... 🤔 I do know he's a fan of protein, and the only thing he knows how to cook in the P5R AU is eggs (because pet chickens...) so maybe that? Scrambled eggs? ^^

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

For Artekai, probably to die for a greater cause. I just think he hasn't found a moment significant enough. And he's already come this far, where isn't he willing to go? I definitely think that what he truly wants is a life purpose, he's just channeling it towards death (if that makes sense) because, even after learning he's not a bridge between humans and machines like he thought, he still idolizes Banukai and wants to die fighting for others just like her.

(I do think he would've died protecting Beta with Varl if Fross hadn't been there to stop him. But I digress)

And Kaito... he just wants to be able to protect his loved ones :') And all of the time and effort he's put into his training shows what he's willing to do to protect them. He doesn't want to lose anyone else ;-; (he'd also be willing to sacrifice himself to protect others though, it's just not his end goal)

🕷️ SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears?

His biggest fears are both being abandoned and being forgotten. I think there's a pretty clear link between his trauma and his fears for both versions of him hehe ^^

I can't think of any irrational fears he has rn, hmm...

🍀 CLOVER - do they believe in luck? are they lucky?

Hmmmmmm I'm a bit torn on this one, but I'll say (tentatively) that I think Artekai believes in luck more than Kaito does 🤔

I've always had this idea that Artekai always carries an animal talisman on him for good luck (yeah it's because that's how I play HZD asdfghgfd sorry) but... huh. Now that I think about it, it might be for comfort more than for good luck. You know, because sometimes it's grounding to just touch a thing ^^ But hey, it's probably a mix of both.

As for Kaito, he's been getting ready for something bad to happen ever since the Rumi incident. I think it's inevitable to him. Not a matter of good or bad luck, but just... life is hard and something is bound to happen to everyone. You know? You win some, you lose some. Idk.

Both of them believe in skill more than luck, but I think the difference is that Artekai is playing with the odds way more than Kaito does 🤔Does that make sense?

Either way, he's not very lucky, but he's certainly luckier than those who didn't make it out with their lives at least :')

📣 MEGAPHONE - how loud are they? what do they speak like? got a voice claim?

He's loud! :D He's loud and youthful and cheerful and a great singer ^^

I haven't thought of a voice claim for him though 😔 He can't have the same voice as Takuto as he's not on HRT... But I haven't really gone looking as I feel like I'd be too picky with Kai specifically :/ sorry bestie 😔

🎁 PRESENT - what types of presents would they be most happy to receive? are they good at gift giving?

I think Kai really loves homemade gifts! And I think he holds himself up to that same standard, haha. He's not good at arts and crafts, but he'll try his best when he wants to show his appreciation for someone he loves ^^

📦 PACKAGE - what are some "most likely to..." that can apply to them?

Hmmmmmmmmm 🤔

I'm totally not looking up ideas lol

Most likely to run off and attempt to live off the grid? (I guess in this one he'd be tied with Aloy in the Horizon AU but hey)

Most likely to accidentally kill someone? (ok that got dark quick)

Most likely to do weird things in public?

Most likely to attempt to flirt with a stranger?

Most likely to punch a wall?

Most likely to run away to join the circus?

🌈 RAINBOW - what advice would they give to their younger self?

Hmm. It depends on what era Kai is currently in and how young is the younger self he's talking to. But, as a baseline, train hard, cherish the ones you love, and keep them close? 🤔 It's not too different to what his younger self was already doing, but I don't think he'd do much differently (with the information he had at the time, if that makes sense). He did his best with what he had and it was a learning experience and he's content with that ^^

Though I can picture him asking his younger self to try to be less petty and let go of grudges. Like, for P5R!Kai, he lost a lot of valuable time he could've had with his dad pushing him away and refusing any attempts to connect out of spite :(

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

Out of the classic ones, I feel like it's quality time (especially for receiving) and a close second is acts of service (but especially for giving)!!!

I think it's clear that words of affirmation alone don't do it for Kai, you need to show that you really do want him around, that you appreciate his presence and want to create memories with him. It's here where Takuto comes up short in the P5R AU, and also why Artekai's so obsessed with Fross, who just clings to him like a moth to a flame.

(I guess the opposite would be his hate language too lol. When he gets pissed, he straight up just leaves lol)

As for acts of service, I'm putting "training hard and polishing his fighting skills so he can protect his loved ones" in this category. His first aid knowledge too. They might not be errands, but it's the very best thing Kai can do for you! ^^

I like to look at Frosskai's humble beginnings as an example of how Kai shows love ^^ Aside from patching Fross up after accidentally stabbing him, hehe, one of the first things he did was go hunting to get breakfast just for him. And to show him he could provide for him, hehe. Artekai will hunt for you! He'll get you furs to keep you warm during winter! He'll find shelter for you in the wilds! Maybe that blurs the lines a bit with gift giving, but it's mostly about the survival skills, you know? He didn't just learn those for himself but to be able to protect those around him ;-;

As for non-traditional ones!! Love love love the idea of his love language including doing other people's hair and face paint. Especially weak for the idea of P5R!Kai braiding Sumi's hair and Horizon!Kai helping Aloy with her face paint :3 And I also like thinking of P5R!Kai becoming a hairdresser when he grows up! (he would not only enjoy it but he could be the most trans-friendly hairdresser around. Just saying ^^)

But I guess those sit at the intersection between quality time and acts of service so it checks out! :D

💚 GREEN HEART - what things make your oc feel comforted? hugs, kisses, food?

Well, I headcanon that, when his hair is in a braid, he tends to grab it or play with it when he's nervous, so we could interpret that as him being comforted when people play with his hair ^^ It'd definitely align with his love languages :3

But he's also one for keeping his mind occupied. I feel like playing the drums and practicing archery genuinely help him unwind. It's the familiarity of it, you know?

There's also music. Since I first thought of the P5R AU, I had this idea that, when things get really, really bad, like bad enough to not be able to distract himself with anything else, what he does is he huddles up in a corner (it's safer if no one can sneak up from behind) and slips on his headphones to avoid the silence :')

[xneens]

side to side

Warnings: swearing

Word count: 4.6k

Summary: In which you're performing your hit single in front of your fellow Avengers cast-mates and Chris can't seem to take his eyes off of you, catching the attention of a few cameras.

"I'm here with the biggest pop-star of this generation, and she plays the very talented daughter of Tony Stark," the interviewer announced your name, smiling brightly at you as the camera panned your way. The hundreds of thousands of fans at home screaming when your face appeared. "How do you feel with all your nominations tonight?"

You smiled at the camera, giving a small wave at the people watching at home. "Honestly, I'm just glad I was even considered for these nominations. I mean, my girls Taylor, and Billie...they're amazing and I'm so happy to be put in the same category as them."

The lady grinned at you, her eyes twinkling. Or maybe it was her sparkly dress, the fabric nearly blinding you with how it shined under the lights. "If you ask me, you've got a pretty good chance at winning. I mean, your hit single—Side to Side—surpassed, like, a billion views in just a month? That's impressive."

"Well, I couldn't have done it without my fans." you replied, winking at the camera.

It was that time of the year again, where every artist, actor, and YouTuber hit the stage for the People's Choice Awards. With your crazy schedule, and the lack of sleep, you had planned to skip the award show until your friend, and co-star, Chris Evans—Captain America himself—convinced you otherwise. Even with the categories you've been nominated for had been more than a handful, but it was the begging and constant complaining from Chris that made you get off your tired ass and put it into a tight dress.

Your hit single, Side to Side, had everyone anticipated for your performance, unsure if you would be performing until the producers had put your name into the advertisement, making fans blow up Twitter. You were sure they had advertised your own song, along with your movie nominations, more than you ever had.

With nominations of Movie of the Year (Avengers: Infinity War), Action Movie of the Year (Avengers: Infinity War), Female Movie Star of the Year (Amara Stark), Female Artist of the Year, Song of the Year (Side to Side), Music Video of the Year (Into You), Beauty Influencer of the Year, and Social Celebrity of the Year, you had your hands full, which had only made your manager glow with happiness.

"Of course!" the interviewer agreed, glancing at the teleprompter filled with tiny words. "It was rumored that you wouldn't be coming, and a lot of us were upset, including me. Was that just a rumor or..."

"Actually, it's not that far off. I'm fucking—oh, shit—oh no!" you gasped, covering your mouth before anymore foul words could come out on live television. Instead of correcting you, the lady laughed, patting your arm softly. "Can't say that on tv. My bad. I, uh, with everything going on, I've been really tired, and I haven't slept in a week. I just wanted to chill, and accept my nominations at home but someone convinced me to come. So, if I say or do anything ridiculous tonight, I'm blaming him and my lack of sleep."

She nodded, clapping slowly. "I think that's fair. Is that someone, your onscreen father, RDJ?"

"He was one of the many people who unsuccessfully changed my mind, but no, it was Chris Evans. He promised me a day with his adorable dog, Dodger, and I couldn't refuse." you said, grinning at how his face had changed from hopeless to cocky as soon as he brought up Dodger.

"If I'm remembering this correctly, Chris Evans is that very handsome man you had kissed in your music video earlier this year. Into You, right? How do you feel kissing one of your co-stars outside of the movies your working on?"

"Technically, it was still acting, and I have kissed him before, so it wasn't awkward at all." you answered, glad Chris had accepted the role. Not only had it sky-rocketed the views and streams, but it made you feel better that it was his lips you were kissing and not a random model's. Yet, it didn't feel as professional as it had before when you pulled away after a take.

In scenes where you had to kiss the Boston actor, it was as professional as kicking Anthony Mackie's ass in Civil War but the kisses you shared on the set of the music video was definitely more personal. At the time, you had brushed it off as Chris being recently single, but now that you had broken up with Henry, you started questioning it again.

The interviewer nodded, squinting once more to read the words off the teleprompter before asking you another question that would certainly make the headlines. "I've been reading up on all those juicy tabloids and I've got one question that would satisfy my curiosity. Was Into You written about Henry Cavill or Tom Ellis?"

Usually, that type of question made you change the subject or altogether avoid the matter but this time, you wanted to joke about your failed engagement. "Henry, but Side to Side was written about Tom since I wanted more Grammy's considering the last album I put out won me a few. But this time, I'm gonna do it without an engagement."

The woman faked a laugh, surprised by the blunt honesty of your answer. "Um, you certainly do have a thing for British men, eh? I don't want to keep you up, but one more thing, for the fans. They've been dying to know if there's anything going on between you and Chris Evans. Any tea you wanna spill?"

"There's none to spill. We're just friends but it's always amusing scrolling through Twitter to find these edits of us." you replied, fidgeting slightly with the hem of your dress. Like usual, you had wondered if you should've worn something less extra but you had let your stylist play dress up with you for the past few months.

"Of course. Well, good luck to you, and I can't wait to see your performance." she said, giving you a little pat on the shoulders before announcing your name once again.

You got off the little platform, immediately taking Chris' awaiting hand, holding onto it as you climbed down the steps in your dangerous stilettos. Sighing, you leaned on him, trying to avoid the blinding camera flashes. "That was more exhausting than I thought it would be. You need to get me some caffeine after this is over because there's no way I'm making it to the after show without at least a few cans of Red Bull."

"So dramatic." Chris grinned, childishly sticking his tongue out as he guided you down the red carpet, stopping when told to take a picture. He let go of your hand, only to wrap it around your waist as you posed for the pictures. "Are you going to the after party?"

Posing seriously for a few seconds, you let your smile back on your face, facing the man beside you. "I was thinking about it, take a few photos, and head back home. Aren't you?"

"Actually, I was thinking we could ditch it and just hang out. You know, I did promise you some time with Dodger and you could waste a couple hours sleeping." he replied, his hand tightening ever so slightly on your waist. Flashing you a shit-eating smirk, he nudged you a little, pulling you away from the blinding flashes. "What do you say?"

You opened your mouth to answer only to be cut off by your manager, Alexandre coming out of nowhere to rip you away from Chris' arms. The latin man sighed in annoyance, glancing at his watch while giving you the look you've seen too many times before. "You're supposed to be in wardrobe right now. Get your ass backstage, and change before you miss your own performance. As for you, Mr. Evans, Megan wants your ass in a chair."

"I'll see you after." you say, getting dragged by your manager, winking at the actor before walking towards the changing area, the cameras following you until they couldn't enter the area.

Getting ready before a huge performance always calmed you down, maybe it was the smell of makeup or the feel of designer clothing made especially for you, but something about it made you feel comfortable and cozy. It was like a routine, especially with all the music videos and movies you had to film, the makeup, the hair.

They made you sit back, giving you your phone like a child while they made you even more sparkly than before, making sure you'd stand out against the flashing lights during the performance. A performance you made sure no one would ever forget. Smiling, you let your thoughts drift back to a certain super soldier as you were pampered.

—

"Welcome to the People's Choice Awards!"

The room darkened, the blue and pinks lights focusing on the stage as cameras all turned towards your shadow. Making sure your mic was set properly, tried to see past the darkness, to see a familiar face or two but with the headache coming on from the tight half-ponytail didn't help your case. The music started, the beat vibrating, you flipped your hair, and started.

"I've been there all night

I've been there all day (Nicki Minaj)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Let then hoes know)"

You rode the bike, belting out in your microphone, the attached headset limiting your movements a little. Gripping the handles, you made eye contact at the camera to your left, winking at it as you pedaled.

"I'm talkin' to ya

See you standing over there with your body

Feeling like I wanna rock with your body

And we don't gotta think 'bout nothin'

I'm comin' at ya

'Cause I know you got a bad reputation

Doesn't matter, 'cause you give me temptation

And we don't gotta think 'bout nothin'"

As you had sung, your eyes had adjusted to the bright spotlight focused on you, seeing a shadow of the one person you wanted to make you walk side to side. While you had answered the reporter's question, you hadn't been completely honest. Some of the lyrics had been written for the Bostonian; or to be more exact, your sex fantasies. With the chorus coming up, you let go of the handles, trying not to fall on your ass as you clapped your hands above your head, the claps matching the beat.

"These friends keep talkin' way too much

Say I should give you up

Can't hear them, no, 'cause I..."

Trying to be bold, you stared at him, his face in particular. The spotlight had blinded you so much that you couldn't see what his reaction was—or anyone's for that matter—but maybe it was a good thing. After all, his gaze always made you blush no matter how hard you tried not to. Pedaling faster, you threw your head back, hoping the motion would draw everyone's—Chris'—eyes on your chest.

"I've been here all night

I've been here all day

And boy, got me walkin' side to side

I've been here all night

I've been here all day

And boy, got me walkin' side to side"

With the help of a shirtless dancer, you got off your bike, taking the sheer jacket from him, and putting it on as you walked towards the front of the stage, moving your hips in to the beat of the song. Resting a hand on a shirtless dancer, you positioned yourself so you were grinding your ass against his crotch, throwing back an arm around his neck.

"Been tryna hide it

Baby, what's it gonna hurt if they don't know?

Makin' everybody think that we solo

Just as long as you know you got me

And boy, I got ya

'Cause tonight I'm making deal with the devil

And I know it's gonna get me in trouble

Just as long as you know you got me"

Sashaying to the little balance beam at the front of the stage, you made sure your hips swayed more than usual.

"These friends keep talkin' way too much

Say I should give you up

Can't hear them, no, 'cause I...

"I've been here all night

I've been here all day

And boy, got me walkin' side to side

I've been here all night

I've been here all day

And boy, got me walkin' side to side"

A few seconds after your note ended, you strike a pose on the balance beam, posing for a few more seconds while the cameras turned their attention away from you and onto the queen of rap herself: Nicki Minaj. The leather, pink bodysuit was identical to yours except for the color, her attitude fitting the badass outfit. She began to walk towards the stage, never breaking eye contact with the camera in front of her while the men pretending to work out to the choreo.

"Uh, yeah

This the new style with the fresh type of flow

Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle

Come through yo, get you this type of blow

If you want a ménage, I got a tricycle

All these bitches' flows is my mini-me

Body smoking, so they call me Young Nicki Chimney

Rappers in they feelings 'cause they feelin' me

Uh, I-I give zero fucks and I got zero chill in me

Kissing me, copped the blue box that say Tiffany

Curry with the shot, just tell 'em to call me Stephanie

Gun pop, then I make my gum pop

I'm the queen of rap"

By the time she had finished her verse, you had caught up with the multitasking of both working out and singing, able to use your full singing capabilities for your high note. Nicki joined you on stage, hyping up the crowd while you built up for the high note, almost every camera pointed at you except for the one focused on capturing the headline-worthy expression slapped on Chris' face.

"These friends keep talkin' way too much

Say I should give em up

Can't hear them, no, 'cause I...

"I've been here all night (Been here all night, baby)

I've been here all day (Been here all night, baby)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Side to side)

I've been here all night (Been here all night, baby)

I've been here all day (Been here all day, baby) (Ooh, baby)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Side to side)"

Both you and Nicki motioned for the dancers to come towards you, curling your index finger at the sexy men. Singing the refrain, you both made them drop to their knees in front of you, as if they were kneeling at your command.

Just as the last note was sung, everyone clapped, the majority standing up, and more cheered. You noticed Chris hadn't done either, still sitting in his motionless while two camera men pointed their cameras at him. Your eyebrows furrowed, thankfully after the spotlight had shifted over to the miniature stage where the two hosts were babbling about nominations.

You were ushered off the stage along with the queen of rap herself, taking a few backstage photos before quickly returning back to your dressing room to change into your tailored dress. Your mind had wandered to why Chris hadn't applauded—not that he was obliged too, but a little something would've nice, especially with all the days put into the performance.

Taking a deep breath, you entered the big room, filled with your co-stars and other A-list celebrities. Little did you know you'd find out the reason to your question in the morning.

—

The loud ringtone woke you up, the sound obnoxious and borderline abuse to your ears. Beside you, Chris groaned, rolling onto his stomach, trying to muffle the sound of the call with his arm draped over his head. Putting him out his misery, you lazily reached for your phone, pressing the green button with dread, seeing the name across the screen.

"Hello—"

"You're trending on Twitter." Alexandre announced, happy with the results of the previous awards show. While it wasn't something as big as a Grammy or Oscar, judging by the amount of awards you had taken home, you became the people's favorite. "Hold on, lemme rephrase that. You and Chris are trending. Number one, world wide."

Glancing at the man sleeping beside you, you sat up, confused by the information given to you. You blamed Chris for making you stay up so late for your confusion. "Um, why? Did I accidentally have another nip slip?"

"What the hell?" Chris mumbled, rolling onto his back, his arm grazing your bare stomach. He immediately took it back, sitting up to look over your puzzled face. "What's going on?"

You shrugged, putting your phone on speaker so Alexandre could explain. Your manager chuckled, knowing you had stayed the night with Chris. He was just waiting for the day you'd finally have the guts to speak about the growing sexual tension. "Okay, Alex, explain."

"As much as I would love to go into full detail, I have other stuff to do so, I'm going to give you the basics. Chris' reaction to your performance went viral, people are shipping the both of you, and there's been thousands of memes made." Alexandre replied, a smile evident in his voice. "Anyways, I have to go. Got some interviews to schedule. Have fun getting your way out of this, Chris."

Your phone screen went back to the home screen, a picture of your family dog, Buster, smiling widely. Looking at Chris, you saw his eyes widened, his hands coming to rest of his face in embarrassment as he fell back onto the bed with a bounce, his head nearly hitting the headboard. "Oh, fuck."

"Are you going to show me what your face looked like or do I have to scroll through Twitter until I find it? Oh! Maybe they edited it in my performance." you thought out load, tapping on the YouTube app. You hadn't trusted yourself enough to log into your official account, knowing you'd probably make a mistake so you opted for having a secondary account where you could watch cat videos without the anxiety of posting something stupid.

Chris' hand snatched your phone away, tucking it in his pocket, the sweats he had slept in was somehow wrinkled, and his shirt damp from the warmth. "You wanna get some food? I'll cook some bacon but you'll have to make the pancakes 'cause the last time—"

"I wanna see your reaction." you whined, reaching across his stomach for your phone. Chris turned his body away from you, shielding the phone from your reach. "Chris!"

He waved your attempt away, rolling off the bed, his feet hitting the floor before you could fall back on the mattress.You poured, getting on all fours, crawling towards the edge. Chris took a step back, brows furrowing. "It's not important. Let's get you some food."

"Fine." you mumbled, an idea making you light up. Rolling off the bed, you glanced at his phone on the nightstand, exposed and easy to take. With quick reflexes, you grabbed his phone, rolling back on the bed until you reached the other side, making it impossible for him to reach for his phone back.

"Hey!" the Bostonian shouted, launching himself on the bed in attempt to get his phone back. He made a noise as you rushed out of your room, locking yourself in the nearby bathroom, laughing evilly when he threw himself at the door. He yelled out your name, his fist banging on the door. "I'm serious! Don't!"

Ignoring his begging, you opened his phone with your thumbprint. How ironic how much he didn't want you to look at his phone when he was the one who insisted you have the password to it. His arguments became louder as you opened up his Twitter, immediately heading to the trending section, seeing both your names at the number one spot.

"Damn, I look hot." you joked out loud, making Chris silent for a second before pleading for you not to continue. You smirked, scrolling through the tweets, trying to find his reaction. "Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you? Did you fall on your face or something?"

Chris groaned, banging his head on the door in defeat as he heard your almost inaudible gasp, that quickly turned into little giggles. If he wasn't so embarrassed, he would've broken the door down to hold you in his arms. "Oh, no."

Bursting out into hard laughter, you fell into the large bathtub, hitting your head on the wall but you couldn't care less. The expression on his face during your performance had been borderline comical, the wide eyes, the jaw hanging open, the open hand resting on his chin while his eyes stayed strained on you the whole time, never wavering from your body, the sexy choreography making his jeans tight.

Cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West, tears ran down your cheeks, your stomach cramping from the maniacal laughter. Lifting yourself up from the tub, you stumbled to the door, your loud laugh ringing out towards the whole house. You let Chris in the bathroom, his phone quickly taken from your hand but it was too late. The blush on his cheeks wasn't going away anytime soon. You leaned against him, your head resting on his chest, while you panted out a question. "Why did you look like you were trying to attract flies in your mouth?"

Chris groaned again, covering his eyes with a hand while the other rested on your back. "You're not going to let me live this down, are you?"

"Oh, God, no." you giggled, wiping the tears away, beginning to calm down. Glancing up at him, you noticed everything above the shoulders was gleaming red, the embarrassment too unbearable for him. "Chris, you looked exactly like the first time we were forced to share a bed together."

"Yeah, you have that affect on me."

"You gonna tell me why you looked so ... shocked? Or do I have to search through Twitter and go with whatever fan theory makes the most sense?" you asked, unable to keep the smug grin off your face. Chris closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't made you come to the awards show in the first place. You raised an eyebrow, fingers itching towards his phone. "You know I'll do it, Evans."

The man raised his hands, taking them off of you as he paced around the bathroom, deciding if this embarrassing moment was the right time to finally confess. "It's just, you know, the dance was so ... sexual and hot that I probably wasn't the only one looking at you like that. You can't exactly blame me for being shocked, watching the girl I'm in love with—"

Chris stopped as you be watched the colors drain out of your face, immediately freezing when he realized what he had said. Both of you stared at each other, eyes wide, not moving a muscle, barely blinking; the atmosphere so tense neither of you were breathing, waiting for the other to talk. But neither of you wanted to go first, terrified.

It wasn't until you started to feel dizzy that you realized you hadn't been breathing, letting out a huge breath, trying to relax while Chris did the same, his hands shaking, a nervous tick he got whenever he was anxious. You got the courage to speak first.

"What?"

It was better than nothing.

Chris was so nervous he nearly ran out of the room. There wasn't some kind of handbook or script he could read, helping him tell one of his best friends how head over heels he was for her. So, he said what his brain was stewing. "What?"

"What—what?" you replied, unsure if he even said the L word, so lightheaded by the sudden confession.

The actor stilled, eyes widening even further, while his eyebrows shot up his forehead. "What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Say what one more time, Evans, and I will make nothing but mac and cheese for the rest of your stay." you threatened softly, getting tired of not having an answer to your one-worded question.

Chris took a deep breath, hands trembling as he clasped them together, hoping to find the right words, hoping his inner thoughts would come out clear, giving you the answer you asked for. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to say?"

"What you were saying before. You know, before you looked like you saw a ghost and almost stopped breathing. I think that would be a good start." you replied, backing up to take a seat on the plush chair. Chris mirrored your actions, putting down the lid to the toilet before sitting down.

"This isn't the way I wanted you to find out." Chris whispered, his blue eyes trained on the emotions that flashed on your face. Your uncertainty of the situation didn't help his anxiety.

"Okay, um, were you going to tell me in the first place?" you asked, playing with the hem of your shirt—it had been a borrowed Patriots shirt from him. Looking back, you realized all the little things he'd done hadn't been because his platonic love for you. "Or were you just going to keep letting it be this way?"

Fidgeting with his hands, Chris peered through his eyelashes, seeing the hurt flash across your face before you quickly composed it. "Scott was hyping me up, trying to convince me to tell you before you got into another relationship. Do you know the real reason I broke up with Jenny? It hurt like hell when you announced you were engaged. Fuck, I couldn't even pretend to be happy because you were going to have the life I wanted with you, with someone who wasn't me. It was selfish and I got really mad at myself for being a dick."

"But—"

"And then the horrible, horrible relief I felt when you called off the engagement." Chris continued, his heart clenching. "Truth to be told, that was the day I found out I was in love with you, breaking things off with Jenny. Of course, I wanted to wait until you moved on, hoping to be the friend you went to but with my schedule, that was impossible. So, you seemed out comfort in Henry fucking Cavill."

"You're in love with me?" you whispered, hoping this wasn't some kind of cruel dream. If it was, you wouldn't mind staying.

The actor nodded, waiting for you to call him names and rush out. "Yes. You can leave or slap me or whatever you want to do but I love you."

You got up, running a hand through your hair. "Okay."

Chris' heart sank, wishing for any other kind of reaction, wishing you'd do something. Taking a deep breath, he got up. "Is this a goodbye?"

Frowning, you walked up to him, taking his face between with your hands, pressing your lips softly to his. You could feel his heart beat, the little organ beating so hard. You pulled away before he could recover from his shock, before he could kiss you back.

"Hello."

[pretoriafics]

If I wasn't a goddamn werewolf - Pt. 6

Heyy! The series is ending, but we still have more chapters to come! Enjoy it while it lasts!

You are so done with all of that drama with men! Word count: 2.573 Pairings: Reader x Derek; Reader x Platonic!Laura Contain: Some angst, Original characters (Daniel, your boyfriend; Lafayette, your friend)  Warnings: English is not my main language <3; Inappropriate language TEEN WOLF MASTERLIST PART 1 |  PART 5

Seventeen years later, Santa Monica, California

"Yeah, girl, I know it's annoying. I mean, live in Beacon Hills? C'mon! There's nothing there!"

Lauren was lay down on her mom and dad's bed, talking with her best friend on her cell phone. The room was entirely filled with boxes: Lauren and her parents were moving to Beacon Hills, which had left her completely annoyed. It's hard for a 15 years old teenager to moving away from her friends to live in a completely different - and smaller - city. Then, she heard a voice calling her.

"Lauren..."

You were at the door frame, with your arms crossed and a serious face. When Lauren saw you, her eyes got widen, and she talks with her friend.

"Uh, Brittany, I have to go. You know, my mom is here giving me that glare. I'll call you later, okay? Bye."

Lauren turns off her phone, and you stare at her.

"I thought you were putting the rest of the things from the cabinet in the boxes."

"I was, but Brit called me and-"

Daniel stopped close to you, looking at Lauren with arched eyebrows.

"What's happening? Lauren, I thought you were putting the things from the cabinet in the boxes."

The teenager rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to do it right now, dammit!"

Daniel looks at you, trying to avoid Lauren's sudden bad mood.

"I'll gonna wait for you downstairs."

You nod for him while Daniel moves away from you. Then, you look at Lauren that was taking a few boxes out from the cabinet.

"Look, I'll go downtown with your dad. I'll be here soon, and then we'll leave. Be ready. I'm serious."

"Okay."

You let your older daughter alone in your bedroom, with your stuff being put in the moving boxes. Then, a suitcase caught Lauren's attention. It was beautiful, made with red velvet. She never saw that thing before. Moving by her curiosity, she opened it. Inside it, Lauren found a few things: a photo album, a necklace with a triskelion pendant, and a diary. The first thing Lauren took was the diary, and when she opened it, she saw a plane ticket to Vegas. That travel was made exactly seventeen years before she was born. With that plane tickets, Lauren also found two polaroid photographs. There, she saw you and Laura Hale with eyeglasses on a sunny afternoon in front of the famous "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. On the back of that specific photo, a handwritten quote that made Lauren gave a fun smile:

Who cares 'bout the men?

Today, Beacon Hills

Well, Daniel was not Derek's favorite person at all. Was It due to his jealousy? Oh, probably. However, Derek still has his own moral values. It wasn't fair with Daniel what happened between you and Derek, and Hale was completely sure about it. He felt guilty, and if your relationship with Derek wasn't the best earlier, now it seems to get worse. You were feeling guilty about sleeping with him while being in a relationship with Dan, as well as Derek was. He was a nice guy. Daniel didn't deserve it.

Derek was in the hospital where Daniel was working, inside his office with both sitting at the chairs. He made a few questions that would help him to solve the supernatural problem in the city, and despite he had noticed that Daniel wasn't also his biggest fan, he was being pretty collaborative.

"...And this is all I know and saw. I was lucky, I mean, I could have died that night."

Derek nod. Yeah, he could. Despite all, Derek was glad nothing had happened with Daniel.

"Well, a friend of mine managed to escape, so I'm just trying to understand what has happened there."

Daniel stares at him while sitting in his chair, with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"You know what, Hale? I don't believe you."

Derek arched his eyebrows. He was surely not expecting that.

"...I think I haven't understood you."

"I don't know much about you, but I know you the Hales are different than the most. Inside that bar, I saw things that I can't understand, just like I can't understand things about you and your family."

Well, he really was not expecting that. After a few weird silent seconds, Derek stares at him.

"There a few things outside that could be better for you if you stay away from."

"I noticed."

"I know. You're smart."

"Yeah, Hale. I am." Daniel stood up from his chair, as well as Derek. Daniel gives him a glare, almost deadly "I'm also smart enough to know there three people in my relationship, am I right, Derek?"

Jeez... In that room and in front of that serious man, Derek could feel what feels like a punch at his stomach. Daniel's words made him dizzy.

But he wouldn't let Daniel affects him.

"I don't know, Daniel. You should talk with (Y/N) to find out. I don't have the answers you want."

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Already too annoyed to care, Derek gives his back to Daniel and walks to the door "This is not high school, Daniel. Go talk with her."

And when Derek finally opened the door to leave...

"Derek, wait."

When Derek looks at Daniel, he felt heartbroken. Daniel wasn't with a cold expression anymore. He was surely lost and... heartbroken as well.

"I'm sorry." He started to talk. "I know any of this is your fault. I just know that she is in love with you. She always has." Daniel stares at the floor, melancholic "I envy you. I wish she could love me just like he loves you."

If Daniel's goal was to let Derek without words to say, he achieved it. With the door's handle in his hand, Derek just stares at Daniel without any sign of what he could say. Dammit. It would be the right choice to put all the jealousy to the side to help him someway. Before he could stay anything, Daniel asks:

"Do you love her? Just be honest with me. I need some... Clue of what I should do."

Derek hesitates. However, if it would help him, he would answer. He nods positively, and Daniel lets out a long sigh. This time was Derek's turn to say something.

"I'm serious when I say you need to talk with her."

"I will." Daniel let out a short and humorless laugh. "I'm the intruder here."

"Daniel, I-"

"I will talk with her, Derek. Thank you."

You were heartbroken. You broke up with Daniel. You knew he was bad with it, but when you talked with him about it, you were pretty sure that was the right thing to do. He didn't ask you why you did it or how you decided it. Well, it wasn't like you didn't want to break up with him. It was just the way things happened between both of you. You knew you were being unfair and unfaithful, and that was the reason you felt so bad.

So, he decided to give you a break. You could be back with time, and he was pretty sure he could make you forget all about Derek. And talking about him... Well...

Everyone in the pack knew about you and Daniel, and that's why everyone gave you a break from everything. Without saying things directly, everyone was trying to help you to trespass this phase: Laura appeared at your house with chocolate bars and some movies suggestions to watch. Talia made your favorite food and called you to have lunch at her house. Derek gives you a break about all the supernatural stuff and about himself, and Peter gave you a lot of alcoholic drinks bottles.

But the fact was: You was so done about men! You were so done about all of that drama about Derek and Daniel! Crap! You need some rest.

Two weeks after your breakup with Daniel, you called Laura. It was 1AM, and the older Hale quickly answered your call.

"(Y/N)! What happened?"

"I know it's late, I know." You started to say, sitting on your couch with a glass of wine in one of your hands "But I needed to ask you something."

"...So this is not an emergency? You know, you're not in danger, you didn't say anything-"

"Do you have money?"

Laura's mind got a lack with your question.

"...What?"

"Do you have money? I mean..." You let out a long sigh "Girl... I'm so done with all this shit."

"Wait" Laura sat on her bed "Are you with financial problems or something like that?"

"No, girl. I was thinking about making a trip. We can buy the tickets tomorrow."

The older Hale's sister arched her eyebrows.

"Where do we wanna go?"

"Vegas. You know, who cares 'bout the men? I just want to give me a break, stop feeling guilty and all this shit."

A smile takes form on Laura's lips. She admires your will to move on, and she surely will not let you alone. And Vegas? Oh, it would be fun girls' travel.

"That's my girl. I'll buy the plane tickets right now."

And the next morning, there Laura was! Her suitcase was close to the main door of the house when Derek came from his loft. Confused, he stares at the suitcase and then his sister.

"I didn't know you would travel."

"Neither do I. But you know what? I'm kinda excited. It will be fun."

Derek arch his eyebrows. It was certainly not the answer he was asking for. Then, the doorbell rings. Talia appears from the doorframe of the living room.

"I'll open it."

And when Talia opened the door, there you are: A car was waiting on the street, and you were with a huge smile on your face. Talia's heart got warm when she saw you that way.

"Hi, dear. Laura's ready."

"Oh, really? Great, because I'm already am too."

You got into the house, and despite Derek's heart failed a beat when he saw you, he still with a huge interrogation point on his head.

"Do you talked with that friend?" Laura asked for you while she takes her suitcase from the floor.

"Yeah, he is waiting for us outside. He knows everything about Vegas. The best places to eat, to have fun..."

Completely lost about that matter, Derek followed you and his sister outside.

"Wait, are you going to Vegas?"

Before you could answer him, a car stopped behind your friend's car: It was Daniel, running in your direction. You let out a long sigh in annoyance, and Derek got even more confused. Laura looks at you with wide eyes.

And this is how things exploded: In front of the Hale house.

"(Y/N), wait!" Daniel runs in your direction "I know things got complicated between us, but can we please talk? Wait." Daniel stares at Derek, and then he stares at you "What are you doing here?"

Without any patience for all of that and already too tired to care, you stare at him.

"I'm here to take my goddamn best friend on a trip. Daniel, please, you were being great during those days, but please, don't try to create drama now."

"I'm not trying to create any drama, (Y/N). I just want to talk and solve things. I think you already had time enough to put things straight on your head, so we can talk and try to solve the things that are going wrong between us."

Oh, man... You couldn't believe it.

"Are you serious, Daniel?! What part of "we're done" you couldn't understand?!"

All that drama made the entire pack suddenly appear in the front door: While Talia watches everything with wide eyes and Laura stares at you and Dan like a tennis play, Cora, Isaac, Boyd, Erica, and Peter had run to know what the hell is going on.

Yeah, it was such a scene. A worthy soap operas drama. Oh, and things got even worse when Derek invaded your arguing with your, now, ex-boyfriend.

"Look, leave her alone. She already said what was needed."

That was enough to make Peter look at his niece Cora.

"Well, I miss pop-corn right now."

Derek's presence made Daniel blush in pure rage. His eyes stare at Hale in a homicidal way.

"No one asked anything for you, Derek. This is all your fault! We were great before you come back!"

Your eyes got widen, already knowing what all of that would result in. You knew Derek and Daniel so well to know things probably would evolve. They were two stubborn men wanting the same woman. Things would get worse, surely.

"Look" Derek approaches Daniel, with a low and threatening voice "I'll request you politely one time, and I just do it once: You'll get the hell outta here and leave (Y/N)'s alone, or I swear that I'll rip your throat."

"Enough!"

Your yell was what they needed to finally look at you. The arguing between Derek and Daniel ended with both of them looking at you. It was your turn to say a few things:

"Daniel, look at me: You're being stubborn as hell. I don't want to come back to you. I don't feel anything other than a friendship about you. That's why I broke up. I don't love you."

"You are telling me a thing that I already know, (Y/N). I'm just saying that we just need some time to-"

"We don't need time, Daniel! Do you know what we need? We need to not date! Do you got it, or do I need to draw it for you?" You stare at Derek, talking with him now "I appreciate your gentleman manners, but I know how to defend myself. And you know what?" You look at both men now, raising your middle fingers. "Fuck you both! I'm choosing myself. You guys can punch each other if you want. I don't give a fuck."

Both of them were looking at you in shock, and your face was warm in rage. Actually, everyone was looking at you in shock because you were freaking out. You yelled again, looking at your friend's car.

"Lafayette!"

From the car, a stunning black drag queen with pink hair came out.

"Hi, dear!"

"We're leaving. Could you please help Laura with her bag? Thank you!"

Lafayette approaches Laura and took her suitcase, bringing it to the car. Then, you grabs Laura's wrist and started to drag her to the car. The older Hale sister looks at everyone with wide eyes.

"Let's get outta here, Laura. I'm done with that shit!" You both got into the car, as soon as Lafayette, and you look at Laura "If you bring a man to our hotel's bedroom, I swear by God that I'll get your heart out with my hand."

You were definitely freaking out. You really were so done with all of that shit!

"Girl..." Laura stares at you, scared "You're definitely spending too much time with my family. You even learned how to threaten someone."

"Hey, girls" Lafayette looks at both of you in the backseat "No men, no drama! Let's go!"

Lafayette turns on the car, and Be Happy by CLMD starts to play loud. Then, the three of you were running to LA in the direction of a relaxing and fun trip. And to be happy.

TAGLIST: @teen-wolf-obsessed4life

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

The Big Day (Part 2)

I’m not going to lie...labour is hard, that’s why they call it labour! However, as women, we are made for it and we can cope. Not everyone will have a great experience and not everyone will have the labour and birth they wanted, but we are all superheroes, no matter how our labour/birth ends up. We need to remind ourselves of what our bodies have gone through - not just in labour, but over the course of our pregnancies. For me personally, it is the single biggest achievement of my life, hands down! It just so happens I'm also lucky enough to have had a very positive experience. My story is not to rub in others faces because I was lucky, it’s to help people realise that birth doesn’t have to be an awful, dramatic experience like it’s portrayed to be on TV or in films. 

I left the last post having checked in at the MLU at my local hospital on my due date, 7th April 2019. Most of my family and friends joke that they’re not surprised the baby arrived on time, despite it being so rare! Apparently it’s because I'm such a planner and organiser 🤷🏽‍♀️🙈

I was taken to one of the delivery rooms and hoped to god that this was temporary because it was roasting!! I was at the part of the building where it met the other side, so there was no air coming in the room from the open window and the fan that was already in there was broken. I tried not to think about spending hours in labour in there! The midwife I spoke to on the phone (the less experienced one) came in to check the baby’s heartbeat and how the baby was lying. Heartbeat was never an issue as I mentioned earlier, but the lie of the baby once again was causing problems! When she called her colleague in and they both failed to find the position they told me I would be taken for a scan. I joked that this wasn’t anything new but I was still in shock that they couldn’t find the position even now in labour!!

I was taken for a scan along the corridor where there was a doctor waiting. We were still so taken aback that we were going for a scan when I was clearly in labour that we almost forgot to say ‘don’t tell us the sex!!’. Thankfully the midwife prompted us and the doctor told us when to look away. To be quite honest I had struggled to get on the bed and was uncomfortable lying while I was contracting so I focused on my breathing. The doctor patted my arm and told me I was doing great. For a worrying moment he had let slip that he didn’t think the baby was engaged. I was so speechless I almost lost concentration. At my appointments with my midwife at 36 and 38 weeks I was told the baby was head down and 3/5 and then 4/5 engaged so it was baffling to think the baby would no longer be engaged at 40 weeks!!! Thankfully the doctor corrected himself when he spoke to the midwives and they reassured me they were happy the baby was engaged. Thank the lord!!! 😅

I was taken back into the same room and the midwife said she would take the baby’s heartbeat again and examine me to find out how far along I was. She struggled a bit to find the heartbeat this time but eventually got it. Then she couldn’t find my cervix!!! This is actually quite normal because I think it can have a posterior or anterior lie and can actually move position. Cue the midwife I didn’t like...Her colleague breezed in the door. She is the only midwife throughout my experience at the hospital that put my back up, and my husband’s! She came in and was trying to be friendly and familiar but came across as condescending. I think the way she was, was condescending to my midwife as well. She told me she wanted to find the heartbeat herself as she wasn’t happy that it was clear enough and then she would examine me and find my cervix. Bear in mind that each time, I'm still lying on the bloody bed on my back (worst position ever, certainly for me!!) contracting the whole time. Each time a contraction came, she would stop what she was doing. I felt like I was there for 20 minutes, but there’s every chance it was more like 10. Either way I wasn’t happy!

She eventually got a heartbeat that met her standards. The next words she said I'll never forget because it’s the only time I thought, ‘there’s going to be an argument here.’ She told me she didn’t really think I was in established labour so they’d probably be sending me home. However, when she found my cervix she could just do a sweep while she was there? I looked at my husband and I'm pretty sure the scowl on his face was reflected on mine. I’m not ashamed that this was one of the times my face betrayed how I felt. I told her I would prefer to wait until she had actually examined me before I made any decisions. I think in hindsight, I was obviously coping so well that she didn't believe what I was experiencing was established labour, because within seconds, and I mean seconds, she exclaimed: “Oh you’re a secret worker, you’re about 4-5cm dilated so we will be keeping you!” Never in my life have I felt so triumphant/relieved. Hypnobirthing teaches you many things, but one of the most important is to trust your body, and that’s exactly what I had in my head when she was talking about sending me home. I was confident in myself and in the Freya app and I was right!

Once she had left the room I finally got off the bed and the relief was immediate. I stood over a chair by the window and had some water. When my midwife re-entered, at that point I had a wobble. Bear in mind I had been on my back contracting for the best part of 10 minutes, with a woman who was undermining everything I believed and was about to send me home to come back over 12 roundabouts in total!!! I freaked out a bit and asked if I could elect for a C-section. I will always be grateful to my midwife for her understanding but also the way she was kind but firm, “It is an option but you won’t need it. I don’t think you really understand how well you’re doing!” I explained where it had come from but between her and my husband, they managed to talk me round again so I could focus. She told me she was going to find out if I could have the pool, but if not she would run the bath for me. She said she thought someone was about to deliver in the birthing pool but I might be able to get it later. When she came back, she had made a mistake and someone had come in requesting the pool, but it was first come first served and I got there first. I was never so relieved to see the back of a room! Everything was falling into place - I was in established labour, I was getting the pool and was leaving the hottest room in the delivery suite! In the meantime, my mum was also on her way.

The relief when I entered the room with the pool was immediate - it was so much cooler and so big! As well as the pool, they also had a new block which was like one of those mattresses you get at gymnastics - it was one stacked on the other with bits you could remove so you could kneel on the bottom and lean over the top to get into a comfortable position. I used this initially while we got settled. My mum fed me fruit at this point and I drank lots of water and Lucozade Sport. I remember saying to my mum and husband - what about you two, you need to eat it’s almost dinner time! They joked, ‘oh yeah we’ll just go to a restaurant and leave you to it!!’ 🙄🤣🙈

I’m not going to lie, I constantly had the feeling of needing the toilet and was unable to go. This is the pressure from the baby and the pressure I felt was unbelievable. My show and my waters still hadn't gone at this stage and I knew if they did it might ease but I had to put up with it for quite a bit longer. After the fruit I was actually sick so that was all I ate through labour and didn’t eat again until the baby arrived. It’s amazing what you can do on so little food! After I was sick the midwife offered to run the pool. While they were doing that, (the midwives were my own and the lady who had initially tried to find the baby’s position) they told me they could set up the gas and air. If i remember rightly, (I'm not a wholly reliable source!!) I said I would want it at some point, but I would hold off until after I got in the pool. 

The pool was amazing! It was like a massive jacuzzi bath, really deep. I immediately felt the relief and the weight of the bump felt so much better in there. It had to be at 37 degrees for the baby arriving so they told me to let them know when it cooled, as they would have to keep re-topping up the heat. My husband jokes that when I eventually asked for the gas and air, I did it so politely that midwives almost laughed! I think I was about 8cm when I asked for the gas and air. My midwife’s colleague came back in and helped her set it up. She gave me really good advice which was contrary to what I thought I would do. The mouthpiece that I thought I would use, would mean I would have to alter my breathing for it to be effective, so if I had a breathing technique, the mask would probably help the most. This is why it’s not a birth plan, it’s preferences! The advice was invaluable and the gas and air helped so much. Honestly the best thing there is!!! I left the bath at some point to go to the toilet and noticed my show had come away. Finally! Though still no waters at this point.

I would advise anyone who has birth preferences, to write them on your notes in the app that the maternity team set up when you have your initial booking appointment. I had my birth preferences from the Positive Birth Company but I also put them into my app. What made me do this, I'm not sure, but I'm convinced the midwives saw them on the app through their system. I never handed them my handwritten ones, but they seemed to know I didn't want to be examined unless completely necessary, and that the room have dimmed lighting with little interruption as possible. They regularly checked the baby’s heartbeat which they could do even though I was in the pool, but I wasn’t examined again after the first examination at 4/5cm. This is why I can’t be certain of what stage I was at when I got in the pool, had gas and air etc, I can only estimate.

Two hours from giving birth there was a shift change and my midwife was finishing. I had a bit of a moment where I didn't know how I felt about that. She had done so much for me and she wasn't going to be there at the crucial moment. I felt bad I couldn’t have had her there and she told me she wasn’t back until the Tuesday so would have to find out what I had then. Something about that seemed so final! However, I think with hindsight it worked out for the better. The midwife who took over was significantly more experienced and there was just an air about her that she knew exactly what she was doing, and in a crisis she would be the one to go to. She spoke even less than my previous midwife but quietly monitored the baby’s heartbeat every now and then. 

There is a period in labour referred to as ‘transition.’ This is the point where you move from the uterus muscles drawing upwards, to the pushing stage. Quite often, women reach this point and before they’re quite there, feel like they can't do it anymore and want to give up. They often say this out loud. I had told my husband quite clearly - if I get to that stage, you have to remind me that I'm transitioning and will be moving on to the pushing stage. Remind me I'm close to meeting our baby! Well, I have no idea what happened, but transition for me was instant. One minute I was up breathing, then instantly I had the urge to bear down and push. My husband was counting through the breathing with me (as he had done throughout my whole labour!!) and I told him through gritted teeth, ‘it’s not that breathing any more!!!’ Only once I reached that stage, did my waters break. There was some relief at that point I must admit. 

Pushing is nothing like it is in films and TV - you’re not straining with all your might - it is completely involuntary and you cannot fight it even if you tried. Your body just knows what to do which is incredible! At the time, I had no idea of my progress other than cues from my midwife. I heard her quietly say to my mum and husband that, when she gave them the signal, one of them would have to press the call button for another midwife. Other than that I had very little idea of what was going on. Between contractions, the midwife still took the baby’s heartbeat and that was the only time I would be aware of what was happening around me. You really do go into the zone! With the pushing stage you feel it’s no more painful than the first stage but there’s a purpose to it so you are more focused. 

I do remember my midwife saying: “right Claire, you’ve got until 9:10pm and then I’m going to coach you with the pushing.” That was another thing I had put in my birth preferences - I didn’t want to be coached to push. Something about the way she said it made me think she was aware of my preference, and she was giving me a chance to do it my way, but would help me when needed. I kept an eye on the clock each time and in truth, even when it got to 9:10pm, she didn’t have to say very much to coach, she just guided me of how long to push through. It’s difficult to describe, but with the first push I would make great progress because I had just taken the gas and air and breathed down, but as I needed to intake breath, the baby would slip back again. That’s how it happens anyway, but it was almost like I wasn’t making much progress other than on the first breath. At one point, I must have got close to the crowning stage (the ring of fire is real!) when the same thing happened and my midwife said, “you’ve almost got me putting my pinny on!” 

Finally, after what seemed like a good while of pushing, my midwife told me she didn’t think there was much stretch in my perineum (so perineal massage had done zero for me!!), so she would give me one more push, but after that she would advise that she give me an episiotomy, otherwise I might end up in theatre. This would mean getting out of the pool and water birth was no longer possible. I didn’t need to be told twice, and said I would rather we did it now and not risk it. Well if it wasn’t the strangest feeling/most awkward thing trying to climb out this massive pool with the baby crowning!!! The walk to the bed felt like miles and I must have looked like John Wayne!!!! Those hospital beds almost feel like Mount Everest, they are so high!!! I haven’t a clue how I managed it, but once I got on the bed I have no idea what happened next - it was a very quick blur. I can’t remember if she waited for the next contraction, but I remember the second midwife was in the room and I didn’t feel the episiotomy at all - all I remember them saying was “the baby’s head is out, one more push.” Just like that, my baby was born - 9:39pm at 7lbs 10oz. My husband told me it was a boy and there was no crying. I kept asking if everything was okay and they said he was absolutely fine. Apparently, they gave him a rub and he started crying but when he was placed on my chest for skin to skin he stopped crying and was so calm. In total, my labour officially lasted just under 6 hours, which is pretty good for a first baby! They only record the time that you’re in established labour, as contractions can stop and start until that point, and even then your labour can still fail to progress.

We were asked if we had a name for him. Cailean Oliver Black was always going to be the name if it was a boy. Cailean is Gaelic for Colin, named after my dad Colin, who was killed in an accident when I was 14. Oliver for my husband’s brother who died when he was just a baby. We would have been delighted regardless, but having a boy meant so much to us and our families.

I’ll never forget the moment I looked at my son for the first time, it was truly the best moment of my life! We had wanted skin to skin immediately, and then also delayed cord clamping. This allows the blood in the umbilical cord to return to the baby. My husband also got to cut the cord. Another midwife came into the room at that point and I think she was the one in charge. According to my husband (I have no memory of this), she said “so this is the star of the evening.” I don't know if I agree, but it certainly felt like a massive achievement and one I will always be proud of. However, that should be true of all of us who give birth, regardless of how this happens and whether it goes to plan or not. She had actually delivered the baby of the woman who had also requested the pool. I felt so bad for that woman that I had taken that from her, but the midwife assured me she got her water birth by giving birth in the bath instead and she was fine. 

I delivered the placenta with the injection. I had always been told I couldn’t have that if I had a water birth, but I guess since I was on the bed at that point it didn't matter. I was supported for the first breastfeed and he latched perfectly. This was probably the best feed we had for the two weeks I managed to feed, but I'll cover that more in later posts. Then he dropped off to sleep cuddling his daddy! I was worried at this point we would be sent home, but my midwife laughed, “it’s 10 o’ clock, you need to be here a minimum of 6 hours so we won’t chuck you out in the middle of the night!”

I was told I would need stitches which was unsurprising. Thankfully, it turned out they weren’t that bad. Because of the expert advice of my midwife, I hadn't torn, but had a few grazes because the baby had crowned for so long, and a laceration. At that point I realised I need to pee desperately! I wanted to do so before the stitches if I could. I walked/shuffled to the toilet but couldn’t go, even though I knew my bladder was full. Unfortunately, that meant I also needed a catheter as well as stitches but it was worth it for the 700ml of urine that came out!!! As it turned out, although I don’t particularly remember drinking lots, I clearly had kept well hydrated during labour which they were pleased about. 

I wasn’t prepared for how long the stitches would take - I think I was probably being stitched for 2 hours or possibly even more. My midwife observed while the head midwife did it. I’m not sure why, but it definitely seemed the head midwife had done it more times than my own midwife. I have to be honest, I had a local injection which was fine, but I needed gas and air, particularly for the last stitch in the laceration! I was almost drunk I took that much at that point and it’s easily worse than labour, but she did an excellent job and looked after me well. 

At some point before I was stitched and after the birth, I was brought tea and toast and what they tell you is true - it is the best tea and toast you will ever have in your life!! Because I was feeding Cailean, the tea went cold but I shared the toast with my husband - remember, he hadn’t eaten since lunch and this was my worry during labour! 

The same woman who brought the tea and toast helped me to the shower. I think I would have preferred a bath at this point, as I almost collapsed in the shower I was so dizzy. It took me ages to get into pjs again and get my stuff together to be moved to the room we would be in overnight. I think by the time I was ready to move it must have been about 1:30am, so that will tell you how long my stitches took and how long it was before I could move! I ended up having to get a wheelchair to the new room. I had to use this to go to the toilet and get onto the bed, but was offered more tea and toast which was great. Through all of this, Cailean was sleeping soundly. He was such a good wee soul and we got some much needed rest, although it was difficult because we just kept checking on him the whole time and couldn’t believe we had a son! I put the way he is completely down to the way he entered this world - calmly and quietly. 

My midwife had said she would check in on us before her shift ended, but it turned out she left us sleeping. I was gutted because I thought I wouldn’t get the opportunity to thank her for everything. There are no words to describe how you feel about the midwives who help during labour and then deliver your baby. They are the reason our baby arrived safely into this world - how can thank you ever be enough for something like that? We owed her, and my other midwife everything! Little did I know, I would get the opportunity to see her the following night...

As I said at the start of the post, I've not told my birth story to be smug or to rub it in that I had a better labour than people I know who had a horrendous time. This is to demonstrate that birth doesn’t have to be traumatic, or pain like you’ve never imagined. Unfortunately, sometimes people will have traumatic births, but their stories should be heralded just as much, if not more, than ones like mine. We have all done an incredible thing, regardless of what the details were and I certainly consider it to be my life’s greatest achievement. The high I felt made me realise I could do it all over again and for that, I know I am very lucky. I completely put this down to the digital hypnobirthing pack from the Positive Birth Company and my amazing birth partners. I couldn’t have done it without the tools and the people in my corner to support me. That continues to be the case today, 3 months on - I don't know where I would be without the amazing support from my family!

In the next post I’ll discuss the early days and my (unplanned), extended stay in hospital!