#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

[shinjiikar1]

due to... one billion personal reasons it took me a long time to get to these episodes, and they were probably the hardest to watch for me (for also one billion personal reasons)

I really don't know that I have as coherent a thesis this week, I'm just kind of in misery, but I'll write out my thoughts and we'll see where it goes. (Also despite having it no i still haven't read the book, I'm waiting till I'm done the show, which I may regret lol)

Gyu-ho and Go Young are such different people, they have such different worldviews and struggle to see the world through each other's eyes.

The moment for me that exemplified their whole relationship was after Gyu-ho moved in. Gyu-ho claims Go Young could never understand how he's never had anything of his own, being tied down by his family all his life, and now not even being in his own space. Go Young's reply is silence (and a smile, of course). While Gyu-ho has never had anything of his own, Go Young has never had anyone. His father is long-gone, his mother now too, as it seems is his extended family. He lost Mi Ae to someone else, and his love life... Gyu-ho's family isn't perfect, in fact they're difficult from what we see, but he can always go back. He has Gyu-ho for a while, but he never really lets himself be had, they're so close, orbiting around each other but they just can't quite get there in the end.

I really just cannot get over how scared he is to let anyone in. Every attempt he's made to let people really get to know him has ended in failure and at this point he can't conceptualize letting anyone in. He can't think of himself as deserving of it and it's so incredibly painful to watch. Gyu-ho tries, he makes an effort to break into Go Young's life. He holds his hand in public, he waits for him, he barges into his home. Like that hole in the clouds he's shoving his way in, and to his credit Go Young tries to let him in. Ultimately, however, he feels the waves catching up to him, he's lived so long in shame and guilt and fear, he can't swim out, and Gyu-ho can't pull him back to shore on his own. It's exhausting for both of them.

I really appreciated @lurkingshan's post about Why their relationship falls apart and her discussion about Go Young's very real fears about how his status is affecting this person he loves and cares for deeply. He can't let himself be the person to drag Gyu-ho down. I really resonated with Go Young here, I'm not interested in detailing my own situation, but I very much understand feeling like you're holding someone back because of an illness. It's a completely miserable feeling, even if the other person insists its fine, you know on some level, that they might be happier without you and how can you deny them that? Go Young thinks he's been too greedy, he's wanted too much. He's not willing to be that selfish (whether or not this is actually selfish behaviour isn't really the point here, he believes it is). He will be the one to make the sacrifice to Gyu-ho doesn't have to, he won't even tell him the real reason because he knows there's no way Gyu-ho would go without him if he was honest about it, he has to push him away first. It's not an entirely selfless decision, I think he's also trying to spare himself the hurt and resentment that might build if Gyu-ho doesn't get to go, but ultimately it's because he loves him so much. I wish he could have said it.

[inconspicious-random-thoughts]

I get the feeling that Lilith will be a morally grey character at the end of the day. She genuinely lives Lucifer, Charlie, and potentially her people and wants to do right by them. However, I get the impression that Lilith is of the opinion that she's the only one who knows what's best for her loved ones and as such can be something of a control freak towards her family to keep them on the "right" path. We're getting these hints that Lilith may have deliberately kept Charlie and Lucifer from actually getting close to each other (assuming that it was actually Lilith and not Eve playing the part as others have theorized) to prevent Charlie from inheriting her father's "weakness". I also get the feeling that Lilith's manner of raising her daughter may have stunted her emotional growth and prevented her from understanding Sinners on a deeper level, contributing to Charlie's initial inexperience and naivete when pursuing her dreams. Her intentions are good, but her execution is flawed at best.

Hello again my friend,

I get the feeling that Lilith will be a morally grey character at the end of the day.

I agree. She probably the end justify the means type of gal. She may not agree or like the means but willing to sacrifice to achieve the desirable goal for maximal impact for what believe is good.

I'll be fine with her being a grey character. That's when characters are most interesting. Usually this type is my favorite character beside the anti hero or tragic villain.

She genuinely lives Lucifer, Charlie, and potentially her people and wants to do right by them.

I completely believe Lilith 100% love Lucifer and Charlie. I'm going to laugh my ass off when the fans who think she the worst and suddenly she becomes "best mom and wife" because of season 2. But I understand why fans think poorly of her. She is painted pretty terrible right now but I firmly believes its intentional for the fake out that she, in fact, loving. That her absence is her sacrifice to protect those she love. She may not win best mom and wife but I think she is doing her best with whatever circumstance they are in.

She must be warm and loving. Their are so many family portraits (including the pilot) of them being a happy loving family. Lucifer still wears his wedding band after Lilith been gone for years. Charlie still trying to contact her mom for advice. Charlie misses and wants Lilith back. Charlie willingly following her mother footsteps because she believes in her mother's dream that became hers in her own way. These are fond memories and feelings.

Granted these are not proof. It can be a facade, denial and depression. A desperate grasp to pretend the family is better then fine before accepting its not. But I don't think that's the case, its genuine. No one talks ill about Lilith at all in the show. I do find it odd, Lucifer never talked about her but his appearance is brief. I also think he knows exactly where she is and why she's gone. It was a necessity to ensure everyone safety,probably. As Charlie put it "something important" a greater cause. I know she delivered that line in a hopeful manner, to explain her mother absence. But I think its pretty on par. Charlie just been kept out in the dark about it.

I get the impression that Lilith is of the opinion that she's the only one who knows what's best for her loved ones and as such can be something of a control freak towards her family to keep them on the "right" path.

I get that. I can even see the reasoning for Lilith to be so if that's the case. We met Lucifer, oh, he so silly and loveable! Which, I'm sure Lilith adores about him. (me too) But...he not responsible. He pretty much ignores issues hoping they somehow solve themselves. *cough LocksHimselfAwayInHisPalaceMakingDucksForYearsNotDoingAnythingElseOrMakesAttempts cough* It already said that Lilith pretty much had to step up and take the active leading role of their kingdom. I think its safe to say, it also applied to their family.

I assume Lilith was the responsible one. Especially when it came to Charlie. Lilith was the one that kept Charlie somewhat on schedule with feeding, sleeping, bathing, the one that says no, etc. While Lucifer just was the fun parent, and made messes with her and play with her, share dreams and imagine together. Lucifer just being a big kid with a little playmate.

I can also envision why Lucifer and Lilith believe Lilith way of things may be correct. Lucifer was basically outcasted by Heaven for his creations, soon after, sent to Hell for the apple debacle. As far as Lucifer sees, his choices generally seem to be the incorrect one. Then eons, of seeing the worst product of his choices as they steadily fall into Hell. I can understand if he wants to wipe his hands clean and just let Lilith take the reigns of everything.

I can also understand why Lilith could be a control freak. She was made of the same materials as Adam yet instead of being treated as an equal, she was made to be subservient to Adam. I can see why she may want to be in control when she was pushed towards to not have any. Then she gained the role of queen to fulfill. I don't think she power hungry and wants to be in control, but is a product duty but also of fearing to be treated/becoming inferior when she should be equal or superior. But after being in control for so long, its hard to give up. A lesser version of its her way is the only way. She had things running relatively smoothly. She didn't want something to unbalance it. Especially after multiple thousands of years of effort to achieve it.

We're getting these hints that Lilith may have deliberately kept Charlie and Lucifer from actually getting close to each other (assuming that it was actually Lilith and not Eve playing the part as others have theorized) to prevent Charlie from inheriting her father's "weakness".

I honestly view that scene from "More than Anything" so differently from everyone that I'm sure I'm wrong. But my first take from that scene was...Lilith putting Charlie to bed . Charlies little heart and music note dress look like a nightgown to me. She was peeking at Lucifer to possibly say goodnight. Lucifer use his magic to tell a (bedtime) story and Lilith pulled Charlie away because Lucifer got carried away with his story telling and kept Charlie up longer by that.

But in rewatch it does look like Lilith was pulling Charlie away from a depressed Lucifer. Who knows, maybe there's more context to it because we haven't been given it yet. Maybe, just spitballing here without too much thoughts, Lucifer was depressed because he was weighed heavily by threats on Heaven? Anticipated or actually given already. Charlie looked young in the flashback. Maybe, Heaven had just learn, or inevitable will learn about Charlie existence despite the Morningstar best attempts to keep it quiet. Would Charlie be techanly the antichrist? A child of the devil? Does it matter if she a girl. This universe is only inspired not biblically accurate. Heaven, probably not to thrilled if that's the case learning about Lucifer having a child. Perhaps, even surprised he had one...can angels have children?

Maybe, there was a secret prophecy about Charlie and Lucifer was feeling conflicted about everything. Lilith needed to pull Charlie away from Lucifer so Lilith can raise her properly to fulfill it? Stop Heaven? Defeat Roo? Create a whole new balance between all realms? Lucifer afraid of this and wants Charlie no part of this while Lilith treated it as inevitable so she trying to get Charlie ready vs Lucifer denial about everything.

Who knows. I personally still view it as the innocent, Lilith getting Charlie away from daddy who was getting her excited, to bed :D

I also get the feeling that Lilith's manner of raising her daughter may have stunted her emotional growth and prevented her from understanding Sinners on a deeper level, contributing to Charlie's initial inexperience and naivete when pursuing her dreams. Her intentions are good, but her execution is flawed at best.

Charlie definitely been sheltered, but I think that's more Lucifer doing with his distaste of Sinners and their predicament of Hell. Charlie went to school which was only of hellborn I believe. I think Charlie interaction of Sinners was very minimal until she was old enough to be on her own. Lucifer was probably very protective about Charlie. Charlie isn't fortunate enough to be raised in Heaven or Earth...she get to be raised in Hell. One where she royalty and probably considered a target. Charlies social interactions were most likely very limited in general "for her own protection" and the ones she did take part of, was with families that Lucifer trusted.

Sinners to Charlie was probably how one wants to experience a culture that they admire. Something you can't really truely be a part of but want to dive into.

Her mother is consider a Sinner, and she loves her mom. Her mother wanted to do right of her people. Charlie wanted to follow suit. With Charlie minimal interactions of Sinners she probably figured they are all similar to her mother, who she loves. Charlie starting to be on her own, just simply doesn't know how hard life can be for most people.

I think all the Morningstars are like that. They just don't truly grasp how difficult life can be. They are all powerful with little to fear. They are the tippy top of the food chain. Lucifer can poof anything he want to existence. When Lilith was alive, there was no society. Just Adam then later Eve before being cast down to Hell. Lucifer shutting himself away from most of Hell. Mangling with Hellborne...and I assume thats with "high class" so the royalty and high class demonborn.

Lilith probably has a better understanding as she implied to be more charitable with causes and interacted with Sinners. She probably has some idea with talking and taking in the troubles of Hell as an active Queen. But she doesn't have the experience to know how terrible it is. Like someone saying they have a toothache but not understanding how much they hurt.

That's based on a true story btw. I had someone complain about a toothache but I assume it was a dull ache...but constant. As I never had one before and I thought he was being a big baby. Then I realized how incredibly crippling the pain is when I eventually experienced one. Boy, I got humbled when I reflected back at that moment when I dismissed the other pain.

Anyways, I'm rambling per usual. I think hopeful and dreamer Lucifer is responsible for most of Charlies stunted growth but Lilith also had a role. They both shelter her. Charlie just see mostly her parents who just act lovey dovey with each other and typically happy. So, Charlie really had to base society off of them. Lucifer probably trying to overcompensate by damning them to Hell and use his magic to literally sprout puppies and rainbows and sparkles for them. Lilith was probably more of a realist and down to Earth (Hell?) while probably sugarcoating lightly. Lilith has her own dreams but is probably more sensible and reasonable. Pair that with being warm and loving mother is why Charlie usually seeks her missing mother for advice over her father who not missing but absent.

[belovabelova]

Little Darling | Part Three

Fanfic Summary: A young girl falls for her stepdad’s best friend, Steve Rogers.

Pairing: dad’s best friend! Steve Rogers x original female character

Word Count: 1075 words

Fanfic Warnings: Graphic descriptions of sex and various sexual acts, age gap relationship (16 years), mentions and descriptions of suicide and self-injurious behavior (eating disorders and self-harm), mental illness, death or dying, physical violence, and blood.

Notes: I’m also posting this fanfic on Wattpad. I hope you enjoy!

(Part Two)

Jumping around with excitement, Callie tries to knock Steve over when we step through the front door, but he just chuckles and kneels down to pet her. She immediately takes a liking to him, panting and trying to lick his face. He scratches behind her ear and smiles. "Aren't you a good puppy," he praises. "Such a good girl."

I take my shoes off and watch him carefully. "Do you have a dog?" I ask, considering the way he interacts with her. They both seem to adore each other. It's actually quite cute.

He glances up at me and presses his lips together. "No, I don't. I wish I did, but I work too much to take care of one," he tells me.

I nod my head, realizing he probably has a lot of responsibilities as New York County District Attorney.

Taking his hand off of Callie, he stands up again.

Considering he's so much taller than me, I almost have to step back to look him in the eyes. When I look straight ahead, my gaze is level with his chest, but he's wearing a white t-shirt. He pulled one on before we came inside, and it's covered in filth.

Without thinking too much about it, I rub my thumb gently across one of the dirt stains. "Do you want me to put your clothes in the wash while you're showering? It might take an hour or so, but at least they'll be clean."

"No, it's fine," he says, watching me bring my hand away from his chest. "I'll probably end up putting something of Bucky's on to go home in. I can wash them later tonight when I get back to my place. Thank you, though."

"You're welcome," I tell him, combing my fingers through the ends of my curls.

We stand in silence for a short moment. I stare at him with my big brown Bambi eyes, but he looks around the house with interest. I don't understand why he's so curious because I'm almost positive he's been here before, but I just ignore it and say, "Let me show you to the bathroom."

After I lead Steve upstairs, I grab a book from my room and head back down to the kitchen where I place a kettle of water on the stove. Callie is drinking from her bowl by the refrigerator, so I offer her a few pets before walking into the living room. She follows behind me, practically jumping on the backs of my legs. When I take a seat on the couch, she tries climbing up onto my thighs, but I nudge her away, so she lays at my feet instead. As she starts to relax, I attempt to focus on getting through the first chapter of my book, but I hear the shower running and my mind begins to wander.

The thought of such an attractive man being completely naked while we're alone in a house together makes my stomach flutter. I realize it's massively inappropriate— not only is he my stepfather's best friend, but he's nearly twice my age. Regardless, I can't stop myself from thinking about what he probably looks like under a stream of hot water. The visual is too compelling.

I'm partially convinced Steve is a man trapped inside the body of a god. It's not too often I see someone so handsome, and I start imagining erotic scenarios in my head that could stem from his shower. They're all inspired by scenes from romance novels, so unfortunately, nothing so spontaneous will likely ever happen, but it's fun to think about.

Hoping to distract myself from my arousing thoughts, I set my book down on the coffee table and head back into the kitchen.

As I'm leaving the living room, Callie gets up and plops down on her bed to take a nap.

I'm leaning over the counter and waiting for my water to boil when I hear the shower stop running upstairs. I practically count the minutes until Steve appears in front of me, preparing my herbal tea as I watch the clock.

After ten minutes, he walks into the kitchen in a full-zip hoodie, but the zipper's pulled down, exposing his body. The grey material looks a little tight around his arms, but the athletic shorts fit him fine. Seeing him so exposed would make anyone excited, so I don't exactly feel bad for admiring the muscles in his stomach.

"Were you not able to find a shirt in Bucky's closet that fits you, or are you just trying to show off for me?" I tease, lifting my eyes to scan his perfect face.

The corners of his lips turn up and he averts his gaze, staring down at the floor. "Would it be wrong to admit that it's the latter?" he asks, and I actually think he's joking.

"You're kidding," I try to point out, but he just rubs the back of his neck and glances up at me with a guilty smile on his lips. It's adorable, but I don't know if he realizes he's tempting me.

I notice my heart start to beat a little faster in my chest. "Did you want to watch a movie?" I ask casually, hoping his answer will reveal his intentions.

He chuckles a bit. "You want to watch a movie with me?"

"I do." I pick up my cup of tea and take a small sip. "But only if you do," I add after I swallow, looking at him over the rim of the ceramic mug. "I don't want to make you stick around if you don't want to. I mean, you still have to drive back to Manhattan."

"No, we can watch a movie. I have nowhere to be right now."

"Okay then," I mutter, trying to keep my smile at bay.

He stares at me with an even expression and it's almost intimidating. "Okay," he says.

Turning away from him, I set my entire cup of tea in the sink. "The only thing is— um, we don't have anything like Netflix down here in the living room. We'll have to go up to my bedroom, if that's okay with you."

"That's fine," he tells me.

I turn to face him again. When I notice the small smirk on his lips, I smile. "Okay. Good."

Walking past him, I head into the foyer and start up the stairs. He follows closely behind.

(Part Four)

[butteraway]

when time runs out | iv

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 2.5k

warnings: none

authors note: I wanna say im so sorry for lying to yall about that extra chapter KJDFFF😭😭 ALSO @chibiiichann I APOLOGIZE FOR SPAMMING YOU WHENEVER I REPLIED TO YOU💀 A DIFFERENT ACC WOULD POP UP BUT THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS AN INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER EXPLAINING THE OC'S CONDITION JFJDJD

"HAHA! I GOTCHU NOW LOSER!" Y/N smashed the buttons on her controller, basically on the edge of her bed. A grunt was heard through her headphones, then a loud bang with laughing in the background. Y/N felt her stomach turn at the sound of this, feeling a little left out, but smiled nonetheless.

"HOW'D YOU EVEN DO THAT?!! YOU’RE DOING SOME HACKING MY GUY!" Denki yelled through the laughing in the background, hands pulling at his hair. He seriously couldn't believe it!

"I'm not! I just wanted to show Sero I'm way better at this game than you are. And turns out I am!" Y/N let out a loud laugh, falling backwards onto her pillow. After finding out that 'Tape Dispenser' went to her cousin’s school by hearing his voice in the back of Denki's room, she got to learn more about this Sero dude. She already knew this after their last game a few nights ago, but he was so chill. It was still insane for her to find out that her cousin and online friend went to the same hero school. The coincidences in this world. Y/N thought as she grinned.

"It's okay Kaminari, you still lasted a long time! But you did get brutally beat by Y/N at the end though..." Sero said, trying to raise Denki's low spirits, but only succeeded in making him more miserable. Rustling was heard through Y/N's headphones, making it obvious that there was movement happening.

"You don't understand Sero! THIS IS THE ONLY GAME I COULD FULLY BEAT THIS GIRL IN!" Denki shook Sero by the shoulders, quickly doing the action. Cackling was heard through the speakers while the girl wiped a tear from her eye. Sero laughed along, as he was pushed to the ground by Denki. His arms were crossed as he looked away, upset that Y/N managed to finally beat him in every game they played.

"It's okay Denki, not everyone can be as good as me!" Y/N exclaimed, getting up from her bed to start taping specific parts of her room. Kaminari continued to complain about his defeat to Sero, who only chuckled in response. As she finished taping the bottom of the walls, Y/N sat back on her bed, sighing in content.

"So, how are you? I'm doing terribly after being utterly destroyed by you, by the way." Said Kaminari, opening his water bottle and taking large gulps from it. Y/N felt her face light up as she remembered to tell Kaminari of her future activity.

"Bro, you won't believe this! So, basically, they're actually letting me paint my room! All by myself! How fricking cool is that?!" The girl laughed out loud, jumping on her bed in excitement. Kaminari's eyes widen, in surprise and slight fear, sitting up and taking in the new information.

"Wait, really? But isn't that like extremely dangerous? Cuz of the chemicals and what not??" He tried his best to keep his voice leveled, not noticing Sero look at him weirdly. That guy had no idea what was happening.

"Well, they said that they were gonna do something to the paint so it won't hurt me or anything, I don't know what, but-" Y/N was cut off by an extremely confused Sero. "Wait wait wait, hold on. I don't understand what's happening. How can paint harm you? Besides like...eating it. And what do you mean by 'finally getting to paint your room?’ Silence was the only answer he got. Sero gulped in embarrassment, thinking he asked a really personal question.

"Um, it's nothing du-" A loud 'shhhhhhh' was heard from Y/N, who let out a shaky breath. She never really told anyone, it's not like she could either way, being confined in the hospital room for a long time. She pushed a loose strand of her away from her face, preparing herself to tell Sero.

"Well, the reason is because I basically live in a hospital. I can't go outside, or have 'unpurified' air, as the doctors like to say, meaning my interactions with people and the outside world are extremely limited. That means anything that's not cleared of dust and germs, I guess, can be extremely harmful for me? As pathetic as it sounds, it could actually kill me, haha." It was quiet as Sero took in the information, a large wave of emotions crashing on him. A person shouldn't have to be locked in a room for the rest of their life. Especially someone who is such a sweet person like Y/N.

"I-I'm so sorry to hear that Y/N. If you don't mind me asking, how...how long have you been in the hospital?" The young girl answered with a quick 'Two years', and that's when Sero felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. Kaminari abruptly got up and headed towards his door.

"I'm gonna get something to eat, you want something dude?" Kaminari's voice was low and trembling. It didn't take a genius to see that the blonde haired boy needed some time alone. "No thanks." Kaminari let out a hum, quickly exiting his room and closing the door shut. Sero heard the loud sniffs that slowly faded away, as he hung his head down.

"Hey, you good Sero? That was probably a lot to take in, sorry." Sero shook his head, letting a sad smile adorn his face. "It's fine, really. I actually feel honored that you're comfortable telling me. Feels like we're getting closer, to be honest." He smiled happily, meaning every word he said. And Y/N knew that. "Ha, we are though!" The air was tense, despite the two teenagers being in different rooms.

Y/N went to clear her throat, but was interrupted when a light knock echoed throughout her room. "Someone there?" Sero asked, noticing her silence and hearing the very faint knocking.

"Yeah, um Sero, I'll call you guys later, my doctor wants to talk." Y/N quickly replied, seeing Receen open the door and walk in with his thin suit on. Sero let out an ok and they hang up. Y/N finally took in how the doctor looked, noticeable eye bags under his blue-grey eyes, from lack of sleep. His dark hair slightly tousled, probably from putting on the protective helmet that came with the suit, and a small smile on his welcoming face. And a large container of paint in his left hand. Her eyes immediately lit up.

"What’s up doc? I see you have something in your hand, can I see it closer?" The small girl asked, getting up and making a grabbing motion with her hands. Receen chuckled, lifting up the paint for Y/N to see. Even if he were to hand her the container, she wouldn't be able to hold. She was just too weak. Said girl let out a high pitch 'OOOO ' in excitement.

"I'm not sure if you wanted more, but we managed to get you your favorite color! This should be enough to paint the room, you can even put a second layer if you want." Receen walked over to where Y/N put all the equipment, opening the container of paint. And with a low grunt from him, the lid was opened. Y/N watched with amazement as the doctor poured the soft looking paint into a tray. She picked up a roller near her, and drowned the roller in paint, the white fluff getting covered in color.

The two began painting, Y/N's hand shaking every now and then. After painting half the room, they sat in silence, resting for a while. Receen seemed to be tense, though Y/N didn't seem to notice since she was too happy to speak. Receen let out a breath, breaking the silence, causing Y/N to look towards him.

"I didn't get to ask you how you were, did I Y/N? How are you?" Said girl let a beaming smile spread on her face, causing Receen to slightly squint his eyes from the intensity of her smile. "Honestly, I haven't felt this happy in a very long time! I actually still can't believe you guys really let me do this! Thank you so much!"

Receen gave her a small smile while rubbing the back of his neck. "It's not a problem, you could’ve asked sooner and gotten this done a long time ago. You've been here for two years, so please don't be afraid of asking for things!" At the mention of her time spent in the hospital, Y/N lowered her head, causing Receen to wince. Well, might as well tell her. The doctor cleared his throat and began to talk.

"Y/N, as you are aware, I, along with many other doctors and scientists, have been working hard for you to be able to go outside again. To see your family, hug them, be a normal kid again." There was a pause and that alone caught Y/N's attention. She looked up at him. "There is a way for you to finally do that, Y/N."

Shock evident on the girl's face, she abruptly stood up and faced the doctor. There was absolutely no way anyone could have found a cure for someone like her. Someone who had an incurable sickness. Someone who was too sick, to even have medicine. He's lying. Y/N narrowed her eyes at the grown man sitting in front of her.

"With all due respect Doctor, I highly doubt that ​​that's possible. Cuz, y'know? I basically have an incurable disease? I mean, like, even if you did manage to find a way for me to leave this place, how do you even know it's gonna work? I don't think you've tried this medicine since no one in recorded hospital documents in the past have had people like that checked in before-"

"How do you even know that?"

"-so how do you truly know it'll work?" Y/N quickly finished, completely ignoring his statement. Receen sighed, scratching his head. "We live in a world where quirks exist. Would you believe me if I told you centuries ago that the human race would evolve to have super powers? It's kind of like that, but not really." Y/N eyed him suspiciously. He's avoiding the question.

Receen looked straight at the girl standing in front of him. He felt slightly intimidated by her piercing gaze. He quickly looked away and got up, towering over Y/N's small frame. Then he smiled. "Y/N, you are a very sweet girl, no doubt about it. I know how much you want to get out of here, and I want to help you. My team has created this almost perfect pill, especially suited for your sickness. I know you're very cautious, just like your mother, but I can only reassure you, that these are your ticket out of here." He pulled out the bottle from his protective suit, shaking it in front of [Y/N].

Her eyes widened as she restrained herself from reaching out and snatching the bottle. Her eyes slightly narrowed as she pulled herself together. Crossing her arms and slightly tilting her upwards, she looked into the doctor's bright eyes. "There's always a catch when it comes to these kinds of things. What's the price if I take these? My lifespan shortens, I only have five hours to go outside, it drugs me or something?"

"I'm hurt you think I would just give you these without setting out the consequences." There was a slight glint in his eyes before it quickly disappeared. Y/N hummed, urging the doctor to continue.

"There are exactly 15 pills in here. And consuming just one of these bad boys right here, would allow you to go outside! Though, time is very important when taking these. You'd have 10 hours before the pills effects wear off. These would dull your hypersensitive senses, but not to a point where you can't feel, smell or do anything. No no, it'd just be like how you were before. You'd feel slightly dizzy and be a little itchy, but besides that, nothing too extreme. It just dulls all your body senses down." Receen gave Y/N a small smile. She looked a little weary, unsure if what he said was true. She looked at the bottle then back to Doctor Receen, fingers twitching every now and then. Breathing in and letting it out slowly, Y/N stared straight into the doctor's eyes.

If I take these, I can finally go out. I can hug mom and dad, I can be around Denki again. I can meet Sero face to face and feel the grass again! I can be... happy again. But if these don't actually work, I'd immediately die on the spot. I'd be able to go outside though. Aah, so much going outside, I can meet new people! I don't wanna spend the rest of my days slowly rotting away in here anyway.

"So Y/N, are you going to take them or let all our time go to waste?"

Sero looked at his hands solemnly, thinking about what Y/N had told him. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, then lightly slapped his cheeks to stop the wave of emotions from spilling out.

"Yo, you good dude? It's not everyday I see someone willingly slapping themselves." Kaminari chuckled, walking in and closing the door with his foot as he carried a soda bottle and a bag of chips towards the boy sitting on his bed. Sero grinned, feeling the sadness of everything wash away.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. But what about you though? After we had that conversation, you were, well, umm... kind of out of it." Kaminari froze, letting a dejected smile appear on his face. Dragging a hand down his face, he let out a sorrowful laugh.

"She's my best friend. My first real, true friend. She's basically my sister at this point. So when she collapsed that day, I felt my whole world crashing down. She is the sweetest, the most kindest, person I have ever met. She never let me degrade myself, alway cheered me up when people called me stupid." Kaminari rubbed his eyes, opening the bag of chips and plopping one of them into his mouth.

"It hasn't been the same ever since she left, her parents barely come over anymore, and they're always so sad whenever I see them. My own parents aren't the same either, they treated her like their own daughter. I can't even begin to imagine how Y/N feels about this all. She was the top in our grade, highest scores in our test. No one could compare to her. M-my heart breaks for her. She lost everything." Sero let that information sink in, thinking about how she was before. He smiled as he saw Kaminari's shoulders begin to shake. He cares so much for her.

He put his hand on his shoulder, watching Kaminari slowly lift his face towards him. "Come here you emotional ball of feelings." Being the friendly guy he is, Sero gave the sobbing boy a hug, cuz hugs fix everything.

"No homo though bro." And with that, they both laughed out loud, continuing their bro day.

[gallavictorious]

bottom!mickey nonnie here, i had some more thoughts in response to your reply, if you don't mind? :) i can see where the trust aspect might come into play for mickey re: bottoming and i understand your thought process. the only thing that makes me doubt that is how quickly that trust must have been established between him and ian if that is the case. they haven't been fucking for that long when kash walks in on them (which is the first instance we actually know mickey bottoms). i suppose that there could have been a lot of off-screen developments and interactions, but it's too quick imo. their relationship in season one seems more puppy-love to me rather than a deep bond (which i see as starting to form in season two). the way i see it, the only level of trust that needs to be established is "i know you won't tell anyone because you're also closeted and you won't treat me like a bitch because if you do, i'll beat you tf up and just never fuck you again" which is pretty shallow and something mickey could probably have reached with other guys, too. idk, i just don't see their relationship in season one as deep enough for mickey to start trusting ian with things he's worried or insecure about. it makes more sense to me that he lets ian fuck him because it's not that big a deal, rather than because he's already let ian past his walls. we know that ian is all in by that point, but i just don't think mickey is. he likes ian, is drawn to him (probably against his better judgement), but that's as far as it goes, as i see him. since there are such few scenes between them in season one we have no choice but to make our own interpretations, and those are bound to differ. i've just never seen mickey indicate that he thinks bottoming = being a bitch, or even that it's something he worries about. the only thing to support that would be his attitude to prison, but like i said before, i don't think mickey views sex in prison the same as he views sex on the outside. he probably views everything in prison differently. on the outside, with guys who share his secret? i don't think it's too much of a stretch that he would just do what he wants. the danger is the same either way. just my interpretation of him, of course :)

Hiya, Bottom!Mickey Nonnie No. 1!

I don't mind one little bit; in fact, I'm delighted! Apart from enjoying the fun discussion, it's always gratifying to hear back from anons: you usually never actually know if your answer has reached them.

First off, you're damned right it's quick! I personally don't subscribe to the idea that Mickey knew that Ian was gay or had a crush on him preceding their 1x07 tryst (nothing wrong with that notion, btw, it just doesn't appeal to me), so when they suddenly start tearing off each other's clothes that's very sudden. I tend to assume there might have a tiny bit of vague interest prior to this, the proximity and tussling triggers mutual attraction, they both spring boners, and yeah, off they go? You're also quite right in (implicitly) pointing out that we don't know that they had penetrative sex at that time – maybe they moved up from mutual handjobs or just plain grinding to something more a few trysts later. Either way, you make a good point about the danger of sex outside of lock-up would be the same regardless of whether Mickey bottoms or not. I'd never really thought about that before, so thank you for pointing that out!

However, it's probable that the reason I haven't thought very much about it is because when I speak of Mickey's easy trust for Ian I don't primarily mean him trusting Ian not to reveal his secrets to anyone else, but trust him to know Mickey in a way others are not allowed – and here we disagree and that is fine. :) If you see Mickey as unbothered by being into bottoming, you can certainly find support for that in the narrative. We do have the famous ”liking what I like”-line, which absolutely can be taken at face value! The fact that I tend to interpret it as (partly) Mickey being deliberately unapologetic because he feels a bit uneasy about his preferences and is somewhat defensive about Ian's brief allusions to common prejudices around bottoming, has more to do with my assumption that – given Mickey's circumstances – this is something that Mickey's likely to feel insecure about. He's internalized his father's homophobia to some degree; it just seems reasonable to me that he'd have internalized Terry's strong conviction that Milkoviches don't bottom too. (He certainly seems ready to embody that when he attacks Ian's army fuck buddy in season 3, citing the need to kick him straight because he's the one taking it up the ass. However, that could also totally performative or seen as him making a twisted kind of in-joke, so it's hardly conclusive.) Furthermore, I feel that it's not unreasonable to question Mickey's sincerity in regards to the line mentioned above, since we do have instances of him acting seemingly geuninely dismissive even when we know he probably cares quite a bit. I'm thinking primarily about his reaction to Ian's sex strike in season 11; I just don't buy he was unbothered by that, but there's nothing in the way he expresses his lack of concern that suggests it's insincere. This doesn't mean that I think my reading of the line is the correct one, though, just that it's a possible reading given what else we know of Mickey.

But of course, this really is just my assumptions and interpretations. It's very possible to infer from his actions onscreen that Mickey is totally unconcerned about bottoming, and always has been. After all, Mickey is in many ways a genuinely confident person, and I think this extends to his sex life. (I just think there's insecurity and concern, too... Basically, I think Mickey's relationship with his own sexuality and preferences is complicated, a paradoxical tangle of confidence and shame. I find this complexity is fascinating, and if we're being honest that's probably one of the reasons why I'm not so eager to let go of the notion of it.)

That said, though, and regardless of whether or not bottomingrequires any particular trust on Mickey's part, I think we dohave some concrete evidence of Mickey letting Ian past his walls already in 1x07. Not the sex – because we don't know anything about that – but the return of the gun after. That look on Mickey's face just then? That's vulnerability. He knows that by giving the weapon back when he doesn't have to, he shows hint of a softness he can ill afford people to know he possesses at this point. It's walls dropped, if only for a moment, and I just don't see him allowing that with many – if any – other people. While it isvery quick and while there's no telling whyor how, I firmly believe that there is an immediate trust between them that goes beyond just sex. It might not be logical, but I think it's there, and that this easy, natural understanding is a huge part of what has them coming back to each other again and again in spite of the odds being stacked overwhelmingly against them. Like you, though, I don't see this as a deep bond or anything, not this early. Ian falls in love quickly and easily; for Mickey is a much slower process, because he fights even the possibility of it tooth and claw.

And ah, I'm aware that in my first response to you I promised to elaborate on my thoughts on Mickey's stint in Mexico in my reply to Bottom!Mickey Nonnie No. 2, but I ended up cutting that because it got absurdly long in comparision to my notes on what they were actuallyasking about, and that didn't seem fair or relevant to them. However, I now have a third (and a fourth... apparently this is a subject dear to your hearts, sweet followers) Bottom!Mickey Nonnie in my inbox, so if this is something you're interested in, despair not! We'll get there!

Thank you so much for getting in touch, both with your first ask and with this follow-up. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts, and developing my own in response to them, immensely! I highly value being able to civilly disagree and argue viewpoints without either side feeling the need to convince the other, so this has been a real treat. <3

[madoradin]

I am not a good partner

I've decided to start blogging about my journey processing all the things that happened in my previous relationship, how my own past traumas pertain to those actions and outcomes, and what lessons I can take away from those outcomes to move forward with my life. I am doing this because:

I still feel the need to be heard

The act of writing it out helps me process my thoughts

I want to practice my writing and prose

In light of all the gaslighting, I need a way to sort out the reality from fiction

But while a lot of this is going to focus on the ridiculousness and sometimes insanity of my ex's actions, I don't want this blog to be in any way an absolution of my own shitty choices and actions throughout our relationship. Thus this first post serves as a reminder that I was not by any stretch a perfect partner, nor was I solely the victim. To be perfectly clear, I am not in any way, shape, or form excusing my own actions. I will be reflecting on my own shortcomings and how they contributed to the overall failure of my relationship and the lessons I can take from the situation moving forward.

To that end, I have provided a list in no particular order of my own shortcomings. Most of these I brought into the partnership, and some of them I bring into my relationships and interactions with people in general.

I'm lazy. This stems from my overall issues with lack of motivation and lack of discipline which, although I am making progress, I still struggle with to this day. I procrastinate when there are chores to be done, I'll be on Reddit or Instagram or playing games when I could be playing with the dog more often or otherwise doing anything else that's productive. This is probably a large part of why I was never fully trusted with the puppy. Despite being fully capable of accomplishing a task when needed, I will often not start it unless told to. This has been a thorn for my entire life. For example, I have fully proven myself capable of maintaining my physical fitness to a point where I could run half marathons on a whim but absent any consistency in self-motivation and self-discipline, I am content to sit on the couch all day and gain 30 pounds over the course of the pandemic.

I stonewall. Or give the silent treatment. Whatever the term, I have this tendency to shut down during conflict and simply retreat into myself and throw up walls until I can process my own emotions around the matter. And I am absolutely shit at conveying that I need space or time or a break. Often times it's simply an unwillingness or inability for me to convey what it is that's upsetting me. Again, this is something I struggle with constantly and the fact that Tracey was remarkably ill-suited (elaborated in a later post) to assist my struggle with this does not absolve me of my failures to get a handle on it. Put another way, in doing this I hurt the people I care about and that is entirely on me.

I have no direction/desires/goals/etc. This is something I'm currently working on now that circumstances have forced me into a situation where I must. But I was content in doing whatever other people wanted. I was fine coasting at my dead-ish end job and living in my condo in the city forever. But I was equally fine with moving to wherever Tracey's whims took her and adopting all the lifestyle changes that would entail. On some level, I still believe this speaks to my adaptability and openness to new experiences, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However I can also see this is as a result of spending my entire childhood being told my desires didn't matter. I can fully understand the perspective that we were not really forging a life together but she was simply living her life and I was along for the ride. I did not do anything with any intention or deliberateness of my own. Having to truly look within myself to figure out what I wanted to do with my career/life was incredibly daunting and the anxiety of it had me stuck in a rut making very little progress for several months.

I don't have a concept of emotional labour. Well, I do, but something prevents me from taking it seriously and addressing it in a partnership. This may be typical of many relationships where one person is fully capable of doing everything needed to maintain the relationship... as long as they are told to do it. I can take out the trash, I can mow the lawn, I can train the dog, but I'm not going to do any of these unless I've been explicitly told to. This, of course, puts a lot of burden on the individual who has to plan everything and do all the "scheduling" so to speak. The dog is a touchy subject which I will elaborate in a later post, but I should be fully able to take out the trash when I see it is full or dig out the lawnmower when I see the grass is overgrown. I didn't, though, and that's most definitely a dick move on my part.

Corollary to points 1, 3, and 4, I don't think about things. That's not to say I'm incapable of thinking about things. But my default state is that my brain is off and in hibernation, unwilling to process things more complex than cat videos or Zack Snyder movies. If I am asked or otherwise forced to, I can absolutely reason the shit out of all the abstract life questions one could ask themselves. The problem is that I have to be asked. And I need to be directed. In hindsight, I honestly believe that if I had earnestly applied the critical thinking I know I am capable of to our relationship dynamic (and if I weren't so content to coast on the status quo a la point 3) that our relationship would have ended ages ago, before I even moved to Sechelt. But then I would never have learned the lessons that I did. And as a catch 22, I would never have discovered enough details to realize that the end of our relationship was a good thing.

I don't share. Call it stoicism, call it toxic masculinity, call it introversion. I just tend not to volunteer details of my life, thoughts, or feelings. It's something I'm also trying to work through, albeit a lower priority than most of the issues I have mentioned above. I can most definitely see how it makes it hard for others to connect with me, whether that be friends or someone who is supposed to be my life partner.

There you have it. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but they are ones I have tried to maintain awareness of and have kept at the forefront of my consciousness. It's entirely possible I'll discover even more as I continue to examine my relationships, my actions, and my motivations. As I continue on this journey, I will do my best to circle back to these aspects of myself and how the lessons I have learned can (hopefully) help me face all of these demons.