#I'd say cis+ but that's not descriptive enough either

[risaceofhearts]

After a small amount of deliberation I have decided that a good way I would describe my gender is "absence of proof is not proof of absence."

[cara-delaney-author]

Can't believe we're somehow dealing with another James Somerton apology sorry, "measured response". Which. That title sure is a choice, innit.

There's so much going on here, but in case you don't have the patience to watch basically 45 minutes of excuses, I'd like to point out a few of the more hair-raising things in that video:

He monetised the video, allegedly to send the money to Hbomberguy's team to send to the people Somerton plagiarised. He did this without asking Hbomberguy about this.

He says that he thought that his status as a white, cis man would give him leverage to talk to people who would otherwise not listen to a queer creator, because he "looks and sounds like them". So basically, "I look cishet enough at a glance to have a way in with them". Which is funny (and by that I mean infuriating) after he specifically made fun of "boring, assimilationist" gays for wanting marriage equality and the right to enlist because "that's what the straights do". So it's fine to be a "boring" gay, but only if you're James Somerton? Otherwise you're an assimilationist, I suppose.

He also claims that he wanted to amplify voices of even more marginalised creators than him (by leveraging the way the algorithm would treat him, a cis white man, versus, say, a trans man of colour), which is why he "cited" them. But then he also says that all of the plagiarism was an accident and just stuff he used as a "jumping-off point" and then forgot in the script. The joke here? We have video evidence that he knowingly edited other people's videos into his own with the file names clearly showing the origin of the material. Like, say, a video by Alexander Avila - a trans man of colour.

There's a lot more wild shit in there, like the way he apologises for plagiarism but basically in the next breath emphasises again that, at some point, his co-writer wrote most of the scripts? Who by the way I'm not letting off the hook here. Either he really did write those scripts mostly by himself, which means that with the sheer amount of plagiarism in there he also plagiarised a good chunk of "his" portion of each script, or he didn't actually write most of the scripts by himself towards the end of the channel, but is happy to take the credit for them anyway (and let's not even get into how he admitted to not even doing any research, that's bizarre on its own). Either way, I'm very hesitant to see James' co-writer as a clueless victim here.

All of this is to say... James Somerton has learned nothing. Basically the entire Hbomberguy video was a masterclass in how plagiarists try to get away with it, even when caught, and James Somerton is doing pretty much all of it. It's bizarre. He's even created a new Patreon, "just in case" people might still want to give him money. Which he has linked in the description of his A Measured Response video. After claiming in the actual video that he wasn't trying to promote himself.

He has learned not a single thing, and at this point, I doubt he ever will.

[thorne1435]

I have been on feminizing HRT for one year.

I mean, as I write this, the anniversary is about 5 days away, but I'm queuing it for the exact day, so you will be reading this on my anniversary at the earliest.

I feel the need to say something either to inspire other trans women to go get HRT (seriously go to Planned Parenthood they'll just give you hormones, no referrals. it's great. the informed consent model really saved my life), or to document my changes for pseudo-scientific purposes (this isn't a valid scientific source or anything, I just like to be open about it for information's sake). Either way, uh, let's talk about it!

This post isn't going to be strictly not-safe-for-work or anything, but because anatomical topics are often seen as NSFW, I would read this as if it's a smutfic, if I were you.

Obviously the first big change that everyone thinks of is breast development. I'm not gonna lie to you here, it's not like I got D cups, but I started at the age of 19 so it's not going to be phenomenal for me either way. With that knowledge in mind, I'd say I made out pretty well. I don't know exact sizing or anything, but it's noticeable to the point where I actually have to go out of my way to hide them when I am trying to present as a man around people I can't be out to. I can tell you that I was wearing a padded bra to pass better at work when they hadn't grown yet, and I'm at the point now where they are naturally the size that the (relatively dismal) padding had made them. So that's gotta mean something. I still don't have a lot of the vocabulary that a cis woman would have to describe these things yet, so uh...that's all I can do for you, as a description.

The first change that I noticed, though, was actually within the first week or so, which almost makes me think I hallucinated it, but I remember distinctly being shocked that my skin was already way softer and clearer, which is bizarre! I don't actually remember what it felt like before, but obviously I did at the time, and it was rougher, I remember that much. Not the case anymore! It's such a small detail that it can very quickly fade from your memory entirely, and that's kind of inspiring to me, even though I know it won't work that way for everything else, it's just nice that some parts of my boyhood are just gone forever (as long as i stay on the hormones).

The big change that might discourage some women from getting hormones is genital shrinking. And as I understand it there aren't many ways to avoid that, because suppressing testosterone just has that effect on the male body, but based on my early experiences with the reduced sex drive that is also present when you suppress testosterone, ask for Progesterone when you get started, because it helps a lot, especially with some of the more socially-inconvenient aspects of your hormonal change. There are also some T-blockers that supposedly don't have this issue, like for example Bicalutamide, but if you're going to get Bicalutamide, you're going to be on the standard, "years of referral and bureaucracy" tract, so...y'know, don't hold your breath on that one, it'll take you a long time. I'm fine now though. About a month after I added progesterone to my treatment plan I was back to normal sex drive and everything was fine. Of course, what I mean to say is that the shrinkage has stopped because of the return of my sex drive. It doesn't work that way for everybody, and I thought for sure it wouldn't work that way for me, but if you end up being like me, you could probably minimize the collateral by just asking for prog outright instead of waiting like I did.

Smaller change that makes me infinitely less suicidal and demoralized: my body hair has changed colors! That should be enough of a reason for every transfem to go out and get HRT right now, I mean it! It's so relieving. I remember when I was, like, "Officially Trans" (at least at work) but not on HRT, I used to get distracted by how my arms looked, especially when I was sitting in the sunlight and it was obvious, because the darkness of the hair felt so disgustingly masculine to me that it made me think I had no hope of ever passing as feminine to anyone. And obviously that was wrong: I was able to pass as feminine without hiding my arms at least once or twice before HRT (though to be fair I did not try often). But regardless of that, the fact that I don't spiral into anxiety and self-loathing every time I'm in the sunlight without a coat on anymore is probably the best change so far, all things considered. And I grew tits! So that's saying something, I think.

This body-hair change doesn't apply to my beard in quite the same way. I always had a really good beard as a man and a lot of people liked it and thought it looked great (I did not shave often enough I looked terrible, but I did kinda make it work I guess), it was a deep orange-red color which has now brightened out to that vague off-white blonde, pseudo-translucent color that your smaller peach fuzz hairs have. There are a lot of upsides to that, but there are some limitations to the effects. For example, even though I don't have to worry about stubble as much, when I don't shave it's still fairly noticeable if you're looking. The texture also hasn't changed, it's still very coarse. And this is a source of some dysphoria for me personally, because I don't like that I have a beard at all. Nothing to be done about that, of course, and I sort of think that's a "for good" thing? Even if I had the money for hair removal procedures a lot of them only work if you are pale-skinned and dark-haired, just for physical reasons. At least, last I checked. And while I am very pale-skinned I am not dark-haired. And, well...that's fine, it's whatever. It's fine...I'll just shave forever i guess its cool...its...its whatever... no its fine really im fine. its okay. im fine.

its fine.

Another good contender for "best change so far" is the mental and emotional change. I feel feelings now. I haven't done that in a long time. And it's kind of a rough transition to make, actually, because now I'm reacting very emotionally to things and I really haven't figured out how to cope yet. It's like I'm doing everything that I was doing before but now it's not a performance, it's just an actual innate response and honestly, it's really hard to control. I guess I'll have to work that one out over time. But I would take "Emotional" over "Dead inside" any day. I wish I'd done this sooner, for that reason alone.

Fat redistribution is a bit hard to measure because I've never really had much fat in the first place, but my coworkers told me that I was developing a more feminine silhouette, and that was about a month ago, maybe two? So, I guess what I'm saying here is that you should probably get a friend to look you over every month or so if you're really worried about this change, so they can tell you that you've developed child-bearing hips or whatever else you're looking for. This fat redistribution is supposed to apply to your face as well, and that's something that makes you look more feminine when you've been on HRT for a long time, supposedly. I find it really hard to notice, personally, because I always had a really thin face. And since I wore a thick full beard throughout all of my adolescence, I don't actually know what my old facial structure was, that well. I do think it's gotten thinner. But for me personally, I think that's made me look a little worse. Ya win some, ya lose some. Bitches be ugly sometimes, that's fine. beauty is subjective. It probably won't work that way for most anyone else, it's just I always had femboy-face. Too bad about my beard really, I could've tapped into a market there if I weren't so fucking hairy...anyway what were we talking about?

On the subject of hair, something has been happening to me that is not supposed to be happening according to a lot of the research I did before I sought HRT out. I'm noticing that small patches of my beard aren't growing at all, especially on the sides. I've also noticed similar effects on my leg-hair. That is, 100%, not supposed to happen. As I understand it, based on all the information I could find, HRT cannot undo changes. It can cause changes that haven't happened yet, but once something grows in, no matter what it is, it usually can't go away naturally. I'm not complaining. And, transgender HRT is a very sparsely-researched field as of yet, so maybe this is just something we don't know about, or something about my body chemistry in particular, IDK. I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, that's it. That's my little HRT anniversary journal. If I'm still on tumblr on 7/22/24, I guess I'll do this again. But I have no idea where I'll be in a year.

I hope this is insightful for someone. And I hope that when I look back on this, I either cringe or I cry. Because that means I'm growing up still. (see, that line? that's the one i'll cringe at.)

[acespec-ed]

I hate that being Ace often feels like being 'diet-LGBT', even to ourselves. I caught myself thinking about my conservative christian family today and went 'well, they'll probably be okay with me being Ace since that's at least not really LGBT'. I hate that I often feel like I can't claim my identity, even in my own head.

"Diet-LGBT” is a good description of that feeling. I feel the same way, especially being cis and heteroromantic. I think the biggest problem is, nobody thinks of aces/aros whenever they think of LGBT+. Like, I'll never feel truly comfortable calling myself LGBT+ because of the assumption that LGBT+ means you're either attracted to the same gender, and/or trans. So it feels like I'd be misleading people by referring to myself as such. And then there's so much homophobia and transphobia that people hear about every day. That some people call others out on. But you never hear anyone (outside of ace/aro spaces) discuss or call out aphobia. It's like, no one's aware of the issues we have. So many people unknowingly say or do aphobic things. And then turn around and say we're not "oppressed enough" to call ourselves LGBT+. But the fact is, LGBT+ encompasses everyone who isn't a cis heteroromantic heterosexual. We don't fall under that category. So we count as LGBT+. (Not only that, but LGBT+ isn’t a competition of what identity is the most oppressed.)

If it helps, I've seen countless aros and aces say that they feel worse about being aro/ace than being trans/bi/gay/etc. If people who fall under the other letters feel like being aro/ace is worse, or have gone through worse things for being aro/ace, then that must mean that, yeah, we have valid problems. We are LGBT+ enough.

Aside from that, I don’t have much advice on how to get over the feeling. But you are definitely not alone in feeling that way. I feel it too. 💜

[imarara]

So, Fallen Hero: Retribution is out, and I'm obsessed.

We have a looooong wait for Fallen Hero: Revelations before us, so I thought we all might get some outlet for talking about all that happened.

MIND YOU, SPOILERS AHEAD

sorry for the lack of proper etiquette (i tried to google that but nothing of substance came up really, so I'm open to all suggestions). If you don't mind being spoiled the whole game, different routes or endings, or don't mind being spoiled, please, indulge me, I'm in my exam month and I cannot think about anything else lmao.

With that out of the way, let's discuss. One last warning, I'm going to be detailed in the descriptions and theories - and I'm starting with the biggest one that comes to mind.

Also, a disclaimer; for the time being I have used only two of my Fallen Hero: Rebirth saves, both of them being a cis woman MC with a woman Puppet, both times with the same eye color. My MCs have never killed and strived to expose truth about corrupted systems. I've replayed Retribution a few times already, trying out different routes in those scenarios to fish out all I can.

1.

After finishing the game by going to Hollow Ground in MC's body, there is something weird going on; weird enough to make Ortega think that MC and HG are blood-related. I've only played as a female, but I've read somewhere that HG's gender is dependent on the gender of out MC (though I'm not sure how it is when the MC is trans, whether HG is of the gender we are after transition or before, or even how it is with nb MCs).

As mentioned above, MC's and Puppet eyes are the same color - green. During Heartbreak, MC looks the telepath straight in the eyes. They are too, green.

It might be a very suspicious coincidence, but I do not think so. My first theory is that Heartbreak actually is our Puppet. The body is found is the hospital, comatosed, forgotten for years, no family ties and as MC puts it, it's a shell.

It is heavily hinted during interactions with Lady Argent, that the MC won't know everything the body is capable of, at least after there is the possibility of probbing consciousness of the host - which the Puppet lacks.

I've read that something weird begins happening to Puppet just at the end of Rebirth, if Mortum is with you in the hospital. In Retribution, there are constant reminders that something is off with Puppet, and at the very end in numerous routes it is HEAVILY suggested that the Puppet calling our henchperson is not MC.

If Chen let's the MC go into his head after Puppet and Ortega get into the accident, we find out that HG either is or works with, but probably is, a very powerful telepath with ability to influence what people say (maybe even think) about them, which is also hinted at when MC themselves goes into a meeting with HG.

HG has been a kingpin in LD for over 20 years at the time of Retribution. Our MC is made in the late eighties, which makes them around 30. My guess would be that HG might have been the source of their genes at that time, as well as Heartbreak's. Or, HG and Heartbreak have similar genes.

Heartbreak's age was not established as far as I know. HG is a very private person, that would not be too far-fetched to think they wouldn't try to out themselves for, let's say, getting back the body of their comatosed child.

I'd think that Heartbreak could be a Re-Gene as well, but there is something off - Ortega found somebody's files, somebody looking like MC, somebody's that was jailed (and we know government and the Farm are rather close), and in the memory sequences there are memories that do not belong to MC.

One that strikes me the most is a mention of a parent and a ballon - i might be completely wrong here, but I think there is one painting of a ballon tangled in a tree somewhere. I will find where it is and then will update this post.

Also Heartbreak's and Shroud's (they fight Lady Argent at the Casino Auction) descriptions are very similar if I recall correctly. It's just something that caught my attention, so there.

Aaaalso, it's very suspicious that MC always ends in the accident if they go to HG's meeting, ant then they cannot reach Puppet. Seems like someone is pulling the strings, and it is most possibly not HG themselves.

Additionally, neither Steel or Ortega seems to know what exactly Heartbreak was, and MC tbemselves struggled to look at the telepath, so it is possible they would not recognize Puppet. Though then again Ortega saw somebody's file with photos similar to the MC, and if it was Heartbreak's then the Puppet would have to be the same gender as well, so that's not exactly a foolproof theory.

2.

We know Locus, who is officialy missing, is connected to Dr Regina experiments. Dr Regina is heavily implied to be behind MC's trauma. We don't know if Locus is officially working with the Farm, or was she officially missing because she's got taken by them and then ran away from them.

Dr Mortum at one point, seemingly, mentions Locus. In some endings (probably when we give her the prototype Lady Argent was after) they say something very similar to what MC would say when questioned about their time at the Farm after Heartbreak, something along "doing things for the name of science".

We also know they aren't exactly an example of sound morals.

3.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT MORTUMS GUN, I WASN'T ABLE TO TRY IT OUT YET

4.

So, Lady Argent's nanovores tried healing her. I just know it will be a turning point in the future, and Mortum will probably make it or break it.

I'll be trying to add some stuff later, bit rn it's 1AM and I have two projects to finish and deliver before 9am, so please discuss with me 😭

[obstinatecondolement]

I've noticed the term 'dugs' sneaking into my inner monologue to refer to those pesky secondary sexual features I'd like some nice surgeon to trim off for me at some point, and I gotta say? Loving dugs. The word, I mean, I am on the record about the actual experience of having them not being ideal for me. But as a word? Love it.

It's archaic enough that it doesn't feel very gendered, and it never seems to be used to suggest this body part in a super sexy light when I have encountered it, so it feels like a neutral and nonsexual way to talk about that part of my body.

I mean, tbf, it's not strictly neutral, I guess, since I think I have mostly seen it used with an implied tinge of distaste, but that's not not how I feel? I have always thought it was kind of distasteful when I would see guys with chest dysphoria talk about their "tumours" because, like, I get it but that's also not what they are and people die from breast cancer every day. But I think "dugs" has enough of an undertone of "ugh, these fucking things" for me to suit a similar purpose descriptively that has the benefit that it doesn't feel callous towards people with actual breast tumours to me.

All in all very happy to have stumbled on this descriptor without consciously trying to find it. I am very much not one of the people whose dysphoria was helped by the trend of referring to cis men's bare chests as tits/boobs/etc. and (while it doesn't really bother me now) it used to make my dysphoria much worse because the message I heard was not "everyone has breasts and that is not gendered" but "men with large chests look like women" because I found those slang words so strongly gendered.

And I feel that there aren't a lot of good alternatives close to hand that don't feel very clinical or, idk, livestock-y (if I never hear breasts called teats again it will be too soon, lol), or just like... too evocative of either people finding them sexy or their intended biological function (mammaries has the one-two punch of sounding too medical and that it brings to mind lactation too much for me).

But dugs! Amazing! Apparently it is considered vulgar when referring to human breasts in North America and it seems to be in use in agricultural settings to talk about milk-producing livestock, but those are not associations I have and, for my mileage, it doesn't feel too gendered, too vulgar, too sexy, too medical, too vague (I feel kind of stupid saying 'chest' sometimes or otherwise talking around things in a 'the secondary sexual characteristics that dare not speak their name aloud' way, and that self consciousness often just makes me resort to using more specific words that I feel uncomfortable with to avoid being embarrassed by being vague), or have any other associations I find uncomfortable or in bad taste.

[mmmlonely]

Okay! I cut my hair today, and I really like the way it came out. Wasn't too drastic I just kinda lifted it off my shoulders and it looks good. Did a better job than last time. Still kinda disappointed I can't have long hair without feeling too feminine and I do already miss the long hair, but it's still in my style and ik I'll be seen as more masculine to the general public so that's a plus ig.

This haircut kinda made me realize something tho! Doesn't even have to do with the hair at all surprisingly! My shirt got really fucking itchy so I took it off. And usually whenever I'm in the bathroom for Any reason I'll turn off the lights to avoid seeing myself (and prevent picking at my skin, tho that's a different story). But obviously I can't cut my hair in the dark. So it's been a long time since I last actually saw myself in the mirror. The surprising part is that I don't really hate it? Like, okay, I've got tits. Still don't really enjoy that fact, but I didn't feel the panic that I used to have this time? I mean it'd be great to get them off but it doesn't really seem like a priority, in some weird way. (Gonna start describing my body bc I wanna get this feeling into words and have something to look back on when the dysphoria hits, don't keep reading if you don't wanna hear that) I kinda have a dad bod. At least I think this is what people mean when they say dad bod, broad shoulders and some extra weight but not really in a bad way. Not a beer belly bc I don't drink, and also really not That pronounced, but like again I'm not fit at all so it's there. (Side note bc this makes me happy!! Went to the doctors recently, I've stayed a very consistent 180lbs for like the past 3 years⁉️ I used to feel bad about it bc I am decently overweight for my height according to those stupid bmi things but like. It hasn't changed in either direction so obviously I'm healthy And now I'm feeling good about the way I look so who gives a fuck <3) anyway back to my "dad bod" ig! My tits are unfortunately pointy bc that's just what they do ig But I'm not mad at the size of them, do I wish I was flatter? Yeah obviously but again like. I'm really not that much different shirtless compared to when I see my dad or my younger brother shirtless. Again unfortunately pointy but I do not care, that only makes a bad silhouette while I'm wearing a shirt and I'm Not rn so >:) I look like a guy. Genuinely. My torso is more rectangular than I used to think, I actually really like my shoulders, and my weight is playing to my advantage and helping me feel okay about my body pre-op. Oh and hair!!!! Okay this might be weird but body hair is actually so important to me bc it's such a stereotypically masculine thing (and even if it wasn't I think I'd still personally want it bc it fits the vibe). I don't really have chest hair but there's like a little bit⁉️ it's really not noticeable and like if I was a cis guy I don't think I'd want it but this is nice rn. And!!!!!!! Idk what it's called so this is gonna be an unfortunate description but yknow the hair that some guys have that's like a line that goes from their belly button down to their dick? I have that‼️ i don't have a dick but at least I have the aesthetic💯 That's really the only body hair I was gonna talk about in this it was just that line I think it's cool and manly of me. Ofc I haven't shaved my armpits in years and my legs are sporting some luscious locks (only really my calves tho 😭 wish it went up my thighs more like some guys have it but that's alright) and I have enough hair on my forearms that I don't feel super insecure about it. But I feel masculine rn!! That's the whole point!! Maybe I don't hate my body that much?? I still have things to complain about trust me (my hips do not fit the rectangle that is my torso and. Idk what everyone's obsession with "gyatts" is rn I don't understand it, I have one and I do Not want it bc it fucks up the side profile obviously men don't have gyatts I don't want it ❌) but like!!!! I am Comfortably laying in my bed rn in just basketball shorts and no shirt and I don't feel like shit about it!! And my desk lamp is on!! I'm not tricking myself into anything I legit just feel like good rn!!!

Thank you haircut that was mildly sad but still good for showing me that I'm most definitely a guy 😎💯 and maybe even a kinda attractive one for people who are into dad bods 😎💯 really hope my girlfriend is in that category of people 😎💯 (that's a whole other post waiting to happen tho, not gonna get into my insecurities about that rn)

Aight thank ya'll for listening 🙏

[yamujiburo]

I'm asking here because you don't allow anon on your other blog; In reference to your recent images of rosalina/peach/daisy (which I love btw), why is it okay to turn white characters black, but if someone turned black characters white its bad? I'm half black and I'd like some insight from another poc!

for sure~ 

on the surface, yes, whitewashing and “blackwashing” seem the same. but they are very different when considering the historical context of black people/poc in media and representation (in the usa especially)

minorities having any kind of representation is a luxury, while for white people, it’s just the norm to see themselves. poc often have roles taken from them because they’re seen as undesirable, not marketable and not worth representing. that’s not to say there isn’t representation for poc, but it is considerably less than white people. 

for example if you can think of a character trope, there are probably several white characters out there that fit the description. but for poc, they’re a lot of the time no more than just side characters or a stereotype. it’s getting better now but we’re still no where close to where we need to be (especially when it comes to animated content).

so, when poc consume largely white media, it’s normal for them to grow attached to said characters and maybe want interpret them in a way that reflects them. when poc racebend it’s usually from a place of just wanting to see themselves as a type of character they really like. it’s harmless! 

however, when a character that is established as a minority is whitewashed, it does NOT come from that place, seeing how there is an endless amount of proper representation of white people anywhere else. I have not seen an instance of whitewashing that wasn’t malicious. It’s always to actively piss people off or to change ethnic features and dark skin to something “prettier” which is incredibly racist. like the nessa situation. people whitewashed her saying, white skin is prettier and she looked less ugly with it and the same redraws of her quickly devolved into people just drawing racist caricatures of her (someone straight up drawing her as a monkey). 

some people will argue, “well then go make your own show with black people and poc then” and what they don’t understand is that people are CONSTANTLY. TRYING. but like i said before, a lot of people don’t see black characters or characters of color as marketable enough so their ideas are either shut down or whitewashed to hell in order to make them more “appealing”.

this doesn’t just go for racebending either. this goes for any minority or underrepresented group. making LGB people straight, making trans people cis, making disabled people abled, making fat people skinny, making dark skinned black people light skinned black people etc. all are harmful and put out the message that these groups are undesirable and should be “fixed” which is just not true. “well wouldn’t this make white people feel the same way?” No. because they are very clearly desirable given that they have been “the standard” for centuries, they have been respectfully represented for centuries and still are.

if we lived in a world where white people didn’t decide to create the concept of race, didn’t use that concept to portray themselves as superior than others and didn’t reinforce racism, we might be having a different conversation. maybe we’d have equal representation if that was the case. but we very much do not. 

[disengaged]

idk if youd be comfortable with it but i'd love some advice for like how to get in the bowl ive been curious about it for awhile but have been nervous to start, super intimidating on my own

i'll take a crack at it below the cut.

step 1) be 18+, average-to-attractive, & fairly conventional (slim/athletic, good fashion sense, feminine). sounds shitty, but fat folks, trans people, alt/tattooed/pierced people, etc. don't do very well in the bowl, or else really need to "dig" to find an SD who's looking for that 'niche' kind of identity. there is a market for gay cis men, but it's also narrow. i was still moderately successful with a mohawk for the month or two that i had one, but only cuz i dressed up to compensate + settled for a less lucrative/more short-term arrangement. 'cute' really doesn't cut it in the bowl, you'll just end up with like. low-end losers LOL

step 2) live in a big city, highly-populated area, or popular business travel destination, ideally a rich one. this is a big one. if you go anywhere smaller, the pool shrinks down to like 5 random dads looking to pay $50 for a quickie

step 3) be comfortable having sex with older (& married) men, or at least able to fake it convincingly. this is Also a big one. i'll say it straight-up: it's rare to find anyone young, attractive, and single seeking a SB, and if you do, chances are they have something else wrong with them (cuz let's face it, no one pays for a sexy younger girlfriend unless they have Something wrong with them, in terms of either looks, schedule, personality, WEIIIRD kinks, or being attached). to add to this, if you take issue with participating in infidelity/cheating, the bowl is not for you.

step 4) have a thick skin. be prepared to talk to a lot of creeps, a lot of time-wasters and salt daddies, and a LOT of scammers. (never accept e-transfers, paypal offers, or amazon GCs from anyone until you've progressed into an in-person relationship, this is a common tactic.) also, sugar mommies, cyber-only, and no-sex relationships do not exist. they just don't. these are all scammers.

step 4) BE SAFE. for the love of god, have plans, backup plans, emergency contacts (plural), escape routes, all of it. never use your real phone number, it can be tracked. never post a photo that you've posted elsewhere on any social media, it can be tracked. never give out your paypal, it can be linked to your real identity. if you have a unique first name, make a fake one. if you have tattoos, cover them. always meet-and-greet in a public place, watch your food/drinks, and tell two (or more) people where you're going, what time, vague description of the POT, etc. every single time. never give identifying information like your school, job, or neighbourhood until you've progressed far enough into an arrangement to build trust (and even then, be careful). never agree to have sex right after the M&G. you might want an allowance, but always start with PPM (pay-per-meet) and get your money first, in cash. i really can't emphasize this one enough. so many people are idiots about this shit^^ & end up getting scammed or sexually assaulted, it's brutal

step 5) if you're really committed, and you're really, truly, 100% sure you can be smart and safe about it, you might want to start by making an acc on seekingarrangement. it's the biggest site for this stuff, and it's not the best (like 80% scammers and bots), but it'll show you POTs in your area, and some of them will be legit. (you'll also get like 200+ messages a day if you're new, and most of them will go nowhere.) you can also check out r/sugarlifestyleforum to do more research or get advice or profile reviews (profile blurbs + good, full-body photos make or break everything!!!), but idk, it's maybe not the most newbie-friendly forum.

step 6) once you get chatting with someone and get a good vibe, don't discuss finances on the site (or any other site). take the convo elsewhere, or maybe save it for the M&G if you've got a good feel for the situation. also, SET YOUR PRICING BEFOREHAND. this will depend on where you live and what is expected of you (e.g. how long is each meetup, will there be sex, what kind of sex, is it a sleepover). don't get lowballed, don't lower your standards. negotiation is normal, but haggling and bartering is unacceptable. (also ..... gifts are fun, but cash is king.)

it takes a while to get the hang of chatting with POTs, but i typically just like to have a quick and friendly convo to get the vibe of his personality, expectations/what he’s looking for (weekly, monthly, once in a while if he’s in town for business, is it necessary to be discreet...? etc.), maybe share pics, then move the convo to a different app.

this^ is all really just the very tip of the iceberg, so please do a lot more research and PLEASE think carefully before going ahead with this. the bowl is, as a whole, incredibly intimidating and overwhelming, & frequently stressful as shit. a lot of people have a really romantic sugar daddy fantasy where they get pampered and spoiled just for going on a date every so often, but it's typically not like that at all. it's basically like another part-time job, requires an immense amount of time and effort just to sort through the lowballers and scammers, & to be frank ... your average SD is a much older, overweight married guy. it's not that glamourous.

it'd be immensely hypocritical of me to say "don't do it", but like ...... once again, please think really, really hard before you make this decision. no matter what precautions you take, it's never safe (STIs, homewrecking, being robbed, raped, stalked, etc), and the money isn't always good. sugaring is all about business transactions, but you should be aware that the men on these kinds of sites are transparently looking to take advantage of younger women. like... that’s an innate part of the game. that’s how it works. the line between sugar dating and being a prostitute is very, very fine, and in some cases, it just disappears altogether.  (also? be prepared to commit tax fraud, or to do some funky, shady shit to disguise your income LOL.)

with that said, i'm happy to try to answer any other questions about this stuff, i know it’s not something a whole ton of people are super informed about. i don't sugar anymore (since a little while before i went on T), but i somewhat enjoyed it for a period, and it did help me to get my feet under me in terms of financial independence.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Does anything have to change if I realize I'm not cis? I think I might be genderqueer, but I've never been pushed into rigid gender roles or anything and I don't know if identifying as genderqueer and coming out would actually change anything for me or that I'd want it to change. Or is this just a sign that I'm actually cis?

Ren says:

Nope. Nothing has to change. 

If you’re lucky enough to be in a situation already where you’re able to express yourself regardless of the way you identify yourself, that’s great! Just because your circumstances are comfortable doesn’t mean you’re cis, though, or that you shouldn’t bother identifying as genderqueer. Making the choice to identify as something that feels more descriptive of who you are, even if you don’t change anything about your presentation or ask for people to treat you differenty, can still be a really good thing!

Some people have gender journeys that involve changing pronouns and names, medically transitioning with hormones and surgery, making radical changes to our lives. But other gender journeys can be as simple as saying - even just to yourself - “I’m genderqueer”. Making that affirmation of your authentic self is meaningful, whether or not you decide to choose a new name, try on different pronouns, change up your wardrobe or use presentation aids (like binders or breast forms)... it’s still worth it to be who you are!

For what it’s worth, you’re not alone, either: there’s lots of us who don’t necessarily feel the need to change in order to be trans. My wife is a nonbinary woman (ish) - she hasn’t changed her name, hasn’t really changed her gender presentation, and doesn’t plan to medically transition; she uses she/they, but that’s the biggest change she’s made to her life. Identifying as nonbinary has been really important to her, though, and it’s let her experience her life more authentically!

If you think you’re genderqueer, give it a shot. It’s worth exploring yourself, whether or not you end up identifying that way, whether or not you end up changing anything.

[mercurialsmile]

Any tips on writing nonbinary characters? Like, any 'do's and 'don't's? I really wanna get it right, so I thought I'd ask someone who actually identifies as nonbinary :)

Any tips on writing nonbinary/trans characters?

I got two asks for this (maybe from the same person?) and it’s taken me some time to write an answer since this is such a broad... question. 

Thing is, nonbinary is both a gender in and of itself but also kinda an umbrella term? Since you also have people who are agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc. who would also technically fall under the umbrella, but don’t call themselves nonbinary since that’s not the label they want, and since the latter labels are a lot more... specific. 

Non-binary simply means that someone identifies as a gender outside the binary of man and woman and that’s it. 

There’s also the fact that I’m pretty sure I have some opinions other nonbinary people wouldn’t agree with (for example, I dislike neopronouns. Xir/Xe and Zie/Zir are the only ones that’s pronounceable to me. And I straight up dislike nounself pronouns and actively avoid people who only use nounself pronouns since to me, they are. Too hard and complicated to use. I remember reading a really good post on why nounself pronouns are linguistically incorrect in English and how to properly format them to be correct, but I dunno where that post is now) which is also why I have been hesitant about this.

Also it’s a complex... hmm thing. So yeah.

I think the first thing to ALWAYS remember when writing a minority character is that their status as a minority is not their only trait. Don’t use cliches. Don’t make them one-dimensional and make an enby’s entire personality revolving around the fact they’re enby. It’s othering, at least to me, and just plain bad writing. 

Another thing is, even tho I wish there were more books out there about being enby (are there any really out there at all?) for the most part I think cis authors should be careful and kinda tread around writing about an enby’s life and being enby. Unless you have done a shit ton of research, know exactly what you’re doing, and have talked to multiple different enbys (and not just over text either), I would merely have the character. Be there.

1) it’s a lot easier who wants to do all that research?? 

2) still counts as rep (as long as it’s positive)

So how do you write (possibly?) positive rep for a enby character? Let’s go back to pronouns. The most versatile and acceptable pronouns for enby people is they/them tbh. It’s completely gender-neutral. There are enby people who use gendered pronouns as well (She/her, he/him, maybe they use all three!) but writing-wise, it would be easiest to keep to one set of pronouns to make the writing easier to read. I dunno about anyone else, but I for sure would get tripped up and confused if a character’s pronouns change throughout a book. (Maybe it can be written well idk but I don’t think I’d like it personally sorry) so for the most part? I suggest just sticking with they/them. It’s the easiest to write. 

Also, I suggest to never call your enby characters “it”. Yes, some irl enbys like “it” as a pronoun, but to most it’s dehumanizing, so it’s best to avoid it I think. 

Interestingly enough, even tho they/them is the easiest to write with, it can also be a little tricky at times! Sometimes you’ll have to format sentences differently so readers can understand the difference between the singular and plural forms of they/them. Personally, it’s a fun writing exercise to me! So if anything, writing about an enby character can actually help stretch some different writing muscles so to speak. 

And speaking of pronouns, never ever have the narration misgender the character. Never. Hell, usually, I don’t even have characters or even the VILLAINS of my books misgender characters. And my reasoning behind this is: I dislike using transphobia/enbyphobia as a tool to show a villain is evil--their actions alone in the novel should be enough. And two: if even the evilest of villains aren’t transphobic... that says a lot to me. It speaks VOLUMES and is a lot more powerful of an (unsaid) statement then having your villains be transphobes. (but that’s just my opinion ofc!!) 

Now, to me, if you’re just writing about a enby side character, I would just have them. Be there. Not misgendered, everyone regarding them using the proper pronouns, and avoiding gendered language (which can be hard as it is hardwired into us without us even knowing, for instance!) so make sure you edit accordingly. 

Also, and I think this should be OBVIOUS by now, but PLEASE do not write a “forced coming out” scene. Like, where the cis character walks in on an enby character changing clothes or whatever. Like. That is. So over with and done. Ik that terrible trope fits trans men/women characters better, but I think it’s still important to say here, esp if you’re writing an enby character who tries to pass as the opposite of their birth gender or binds/stuffs/packs/etc at all. It’s uncomfortable, possibly triggering, and honestly? Super cliche. It’s bad writing, my friend. 

And whether or not you want to make the direct statement that they are an enby is kinda up to you? There’s arguments for and against it. If you can fit it into the story safely without making anything clunky, go for it! You can either have the character themselves tell someone how they identify, or maybe they’re being introduced and they ask the person they are introducing themselves to to use “they/them” since they are an enby. I’m sure there are other, more creative ways to do this, but yeah. This specific topic is super situational so I would have a sensitivity reader (or two!) to read over what you write to make sure it’s okay. 

Okay the last thing I’m gonna talk about is character description. Ignoring the fact I personally am terrible at it, there’s a kinda huge divide here. 

For one, a lot of authors and I think enby people in general don’t want others to know their birth gender, which is understandable. And with writing, there isn’t any visual clues besides what you write down. The world is your oyster, you can have your character look like anything, the reader won’t know the birth gender unless you use gendered language. 

The tricky thing is this, tho: the stereotypical enby person/character is someone who is skinny white and vaguely masculine. I, personally, despise this stereotype with my whole being. Imo, enby people can dress and look however they want. Clothes are just fabrics we put onto our flesh bodies. If girls can enjoy pants and boys can like dresses and skirts, then enbys can dress however they want to as well. That’s a freedom I think everyone should have. Clothes don’t dictate gender. Enby people also can’t control what they look like. Some people.. just won’t ever be able to pass as androgynous (unless they Really Work at it, like me!!) and it’s unfair to them I think as well. 

That being said, writing an enby with feminine clothing, for example, will probably have your reader think of them as DFAB, unfortunately, unless you are really careful.

Other things that can make your reader think of an enby’s birth gender: describing them having to wear a bra or having a period, describing if they have to shave their face or not or how much facial hair they grow, describing their genitalia AT ALL, describing them with certain face/body shapes, describing their hair length (possibly), if they wear a binder or stuff a bra or pack, describing if they wear makeup and the list can go on. 

Some people would think you should avoid this completely, which is why vaguely masculine is what people go for. it’s the typical androgynous look (which isn’t bad pe se and I don’t wanna insult anyone who looks like that!) but imo what would be more normalizing and important is to have enby characters look how they want, choose if they wanna wear a binder or not, if they wear makeup, and etc. 

Some people might thing the above is completely fine and that it’s important to show anyone can be enby and you’re still valid as an enby even if you might not “pass” for instance or don’t try your best to conceal certain secondary sex characteristics. Others might think you should make your enby characters as androgynous as possible, even in the stereotypical way. 

Which view is right? Dammed if I know, and I don’t think one is or not. But it is something to think about. I think the stereotypical response to a cis author would be to go with the safest option and allow enby authors write about enby characters breaking gender roles, but honestly, it is your character. Whether you make your enby character vaguely masculine to avoid those pitfalls or go balls to the walls and do whatever you want because enbys can dress and look how they want fuck you all is up to you. Do what you think your character would do and design them to match their personality. I don’t think people should be boxed into what sort of characters they are allowed to make. 

And don’t be afraid to make mistakes. It’s okay if you fuck something up by accident or are accidentally insensitive. And honestly? Groups of people aren’t a hivemind. No matter how good your representation is, there will be someone who disagrees with you and thinks you didn’t “write it correctly”

all I can say is: learn as much as you can, always strive to keep learning and listening, and do the best you can. You can’t succeed if you don’t try and you can’t learn without making a few mistakes along the way. 

(And as for trans characters... I myself am not a trans man/woman so idk how to best say what not to do, but I think it follows the same as above for the most part? I’d ask the opinion of a trans man or woman first rather than an enby like me, as even I have fucked up writing about my trans woman character in the past. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I think I am still learning and would rather not educate someone on a topic such as that. Also this post is already long and I am Tired of writing about this topic lol) 

I rambled a lot as usual and I am so so sorry. It’s late and this was SUCH a broad question I didn’t?? Really know how to answer so YEAH SORRY if this is no help at all!! I tried my best!!

[theapplesweremonitored]

Hi there! I had a question. So, I'm on the fence about pro-life/pro-choice. Women's bodies are their own and they should have a say in what happens to them. But...At the same time, they're pregnant with a to-be baby. And I'd really like to see know someone else's view. Like, I said. I'm on the fence and I just want someone else's opinion on the matter. That's, if you don't mind talking about it.

That’s cool, I don’t mind at all! In fact, here’s a few other posts that may be of interest to you and have really shaped my own perceptions.

Tbh, I’m not the most unbiased or, uh, sensitive of people to ask about this, but I suppose that’s the point and I’ll do my best to answer in a way that doesn’t devolve into ranting. (Edit: this got very long and kind of rambling, but hopefully it doesn’t come off as mean.)

First off we need to establish that I’m asexual, aromantic, at times agender, and have less than zero desire to be a part of any stage of the human reproductive process. In all honesty, pregnancy is a very special kind of body-horror to me, and that likely factors into my reaction to the self-styled “pro-life” side. Because, when you get right down to it, much of the “pro-life” side isn’t pro-life, it’s pro-fetus.

You’d think if a person was pro-life, they’d care about, say: the homeless epidemic, or how America likes to march into foreign countries and murder a shit-ton of people, or all the queer/lgbt+ people who are victims of hate crimes. They’d care about people of color who are murdered by the police every day, or the thousands of kids abused by a system meant to protect them, or women (and, of course, others) who are victims of domestic violence or rape culture. But the thing is, a lot of them aren’t.

Because, like I said, a lot of them only care about the fetus, and care nothing for the woman* who’s carrying it. Once that baby is born, they cease giving a fuck because obviously if it’s been born, then their job is done, and they don’t care what happens next. They don’t care if those women carrying the fetus was raped, or got drunk and didn’t use protection, or did absolutely everything “right” and still got pregnant. They don’t care that those women don’t want to be pregnant; those women don’t want to give up forty weeks of their life to what (when you think about it clinically) amounts to a parasite; those women don’t want to give birth; those women don’t want to be responsible for raising a child, and often don’t have the means to do it right.

A frighteningly large amount of “pro-lifers” are white Christians who refuse to acknowledge the complexities of pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. They argue that “life begins at conception” but say nothing about the life or lives that may be ruined by that conception (and subsequent birth). They use the Bible to justify forcing women to carry an unwanted fetus to term, and then also use it to justify hate crimes against queer/LGBT+ people, discriminatory treatment of PoC, and the general subjugation of women. Oh, and we can’t ever forget the Islamophobia and general air of xenophobia that usually accompanies them as well.

In essence, a more accurate description of the pro-life side is anti-choice, because that’s what it comes down to.

Listen, I don’t mean to be a dick about this.

I get that you haven’t made up your mind and that the idea of terminating a potential human being (and I stress this word because like 90% of abortions take place during the first trimester, when it is more accurate to call it an embryo) probably squicks you out.

I totally understand that.

But it’s important to be aware that for a lot of people on the anti-choice side, their little crusade is just another way to express their bigotry and their hatred of women, often queer/LGBT+ women and women of color.

Story time:

My grandmother on my mom’s side got pregnant out of wedlock when she was sixteen. That became my Aunt Dawn (for whom I was named) and she’s the sweetest, most well-meaning woman… maybe not in the world, but that I’ve ever met, certainly. But guess what? Grandma Kathy didn’t want her. She was sixteen, she made a dumbass decision, and didn’t want to have a kid. But you know what her parents did? They told her they were taking her to get an abortion, bundled her up in the car, drove several states away, and dropped her at a “home for fallen women.” They didn’t tell her where they were leaving her, or for how long, or anything. Just that she could come back “home” later. “Later” meaning after she gave birth to my Aunt Dawn.

Listen, I love my Aunt Dawn. Out of literally all of my family, and hoo-boy there’s a lot of them on either side, she’s basically the only one that I even like, let alone love. But my grandma didn’t want my Aunt Dawn and she shouldn’t have been forced to have her. She shouldn’t have been lied to and abandoned and blackmailed into having and raising a child. And it took a toll on her, let me assure you.

Okay, I like my grandma well enough, okay? But she isn’t exactly the healthiest person, she doesn’t have the healthiest relationships, and doesn’t make the healthiest decisions. She’s had five daughters and two sons by several different men, she’s poor and unemployed, and I’m pretty sure she’s had some issues with drinking.

If I were able to go back in time and help her get an abortion, I fucking would. Even knowing that it would mean that me and my sisters and my nephew and my mom and my Aunt Dawn wouldn’t exist, I would still do it. (It sounds terrible, but I don’t care much about my uncles and cousins. They’re all a bunch of fucked up assholes.)

And now let’s talk about my sisters. I have a lot. I have one who got pregnant in her senior year of high school and had to drop out; my nephew is going to be four now in a few months and she’s only just gotten a job that pays a living wage.

I have another who’s currently pregnant and with the guy who knocked her up even though he’s and idiot and an asshole and makes her cry; I fear for the future of both her and the kid that’s on the way because those futures are not gonna be fuckin pretty.

I have two (adopted) sisters who are actually sisters themselves; only half, though, because their dad is a piece of shit who couldn’t keep it in his damn pants and didn’t even try. He’s in prison now and blames his parents for everything that’s gone wrong in his life, up to and including the fact that he isn’t fit to take care of his kids. (I know this because he’s my step-dad’s kid and sent a long series of texts to that effect to my mom a few months ago.) My new little sisters’ moms are both drug addicts who couldn’t be trusted with their daughters. And, of course, my sisters have another sister by another woman (who’d also had drug problems but is now clean and takes care of her daughter) and a brother that I don’t know much about.

And then, of course, there’s my other sisters on the other side of things, who are desperate to have children. I have one who’s been trying with her husband for a couple of years now, who’s had fertility treatments and has visited multiple doctors to try to figure out what’s up with her junk, because we know it’s something but don’t know what. She’s slated for some kind of surgery soon.

I’ve also got another sister, my oldest, who wants kids. She just got married to an old friend of hers who I had never even heard of until I was invited to the wedding. She stayed in a relationship with an abusive ex-Navy Seal for years because he kept dangling the possibility of having kids with her like a fucking carrot. They had physical fights, she had to take all kinds of medication for anxiety and shit, and liked to combine them with alcohol because being in a relationship with him was such a fucking trial on her psyche.

My immediate family alone pretty much runs the gamut of reproductive experiences, barring (to my knowledge) sexual assault and the fact that (to my knowledge) they’re all cis.

What I’m saying is: there’s a lot of shit out there. A lot. There’s girls who got pregnant on accident, and never even consider abortion. There’s girls who got pregnant on accident, and never got access to abortion. There’s girls who want to get pregnant but can’t because of medical reasons. There’s girls who want to get pregnant and men use that to abuse and manipulate them.

I support all of them. I support those that never consider abortions; I support those that want abortions; I support those that want to carry to term; I support those that are desperate to get pregnant in the first place. I support each and every one of them, for all that I am completely unable to empathize with those that want kids in the first place.

I support them because, even though I have no idea what any of that must feel like, it’s their choice and I respect that. Anti-choicers, pro-lifers, whatever you wanna call them, they don’t respect that. They treat pregnancy like it’s the be-all and end-all of human existence and experience. They treat women who get pregnant and want to abort as if they’re stupid, irresponsible, the devil himself, etc.

Now, if you’ve made it all this way, then I’d like to apologize for all the detours and digressions and also congratulate you on getting through them all. As you may have noticed, I’ve got some thoughts on the subject in general as well as some tangentially-personal experience. What it all boils down to is this: while it may affect us, while it may impact the course of our lives, unless it is us who is the one who is pregnant, it’s not our decision. We can have opinions; we can offer advice; we can counsel the one who is pregnant. But, when it comes right down to it, the only one who gets to make the decision of whether to carry to term or abort, is the one who is pregnant.

And, to me, that’s all there is to it.

*not everyone who becomes pregnant is a woman and may be instead nonbinary/genderqueer or a man who was assigned female at birth. However, I very much doubt that someone who cares very little or (more likely) absolutely nothing for a person’s body autonomy will care anything for respecting their gender identity.