#I'd only ever drink it if I had enough spare money and wanted to consume something gross | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dumblildog · 2 years ago

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Why I don't sell content :3

"Do you do OF?"

"No."

"You should."

This conversation keeps happening with people. I used to sell content before OF was a thing. I'd definitely do it again if I looked like that still. I have so many fucking scars now I'm just.. idk plus I'm as pale as bb vampire so it's just a gross contrast on my skin. I have this overwhelming amount of self hate especially about how I look. If my last relationship wasn't a sexless lonely cage of self doubt and hate I probably wouldn't be sooo hateful but like having someone look at you dead face and say "I'm as attracted to you as I can be" it's like huh.. what's the point.. when someone doesn't want you for so long for years.. but also won't let you go when you beg for it you just let go of yourself in so many different ways. I lost all grips of myself and now I just dont recognize who or what I am. I was already so lost before that relationship just a lil drug addict with no money & horrible self destructive habits. I'm so surprised I didn't die that spring with my daily habits. For so long I survived off nothing but substances, self harm, and sex. I was having so many adventures and got second hand affection from the attention my actions brought me but I still was just so so lonely. I gripped onto the first person who wanted something more than my body my bed or my connections. I didn't see what he was using me for before it was too late. I stopped doing drugs anything anyone would offer, drinking anything I'd get my hands on, stopped smoking anything and everything I could light. Gross mixed bowls and cigarettes turned to nothing but green and dabs. Alcohol and nothing but coffee and espresso turned into simple teas, coffees so much water. From eating a few times a week went to having full meals sometimes more than once a day. I stopped cutting and burning myself and started wearing glitter. I got a job, then two, then three. Parties, bars, mosh pits, basement shows, trespassing, staying up to see the sunrise turned into movies, car rides, museums, and early bedtimes for tomorrows responsibilities. Handfuls of roommates and people in and out of my bed at all hours turned into a one bedroom apartment and a bed shared with only one. Tho I quickly left that bed for the couch and slept there most nights. My life was so different but I was still so lost and empty. I thought I had what I wanted but when the person you're sharing your life with doesn't want you back.. the emptiness is so all consuming. I changed and the depression and agoraphobia got so much worse. So much isolation. My body changed my habits changed. Now I'm just plagued with chronic nightmares and the emptiness. I'm free from the grips of the lonely relationship but I lost myself day after day to 4 years. Tho I've learned so much about myself in that loneliness. I know what I'd like now and what I want but my body and brain are so fucking gone it's so out of reach and I don't feel like I can do it on my own. Everything in me tells me I'm wrong and if I was this or that maybe just maybe I'll be happy or loved. Then the echos of my past lovers cruel words bounce around that empty space in my chest and remind me that even through out all those different versions of myself I still wasn't enough for any of them to actually want me. They lied, cheated, hit, hurt, hid, and then left. No one has ever wanted me for more than a thrill or a self fulfillment. I myself, I've never been first choice to anyone friendships family lovers... it's hard to be my first choice and with little to no support or recourses and with a broken body and brain it's hard to change and reach for anything. I feel like a burden on those I love and I'm not really living for anything but sparing them the grief and guilt of my suicide.

I'm tired of this existence.

I'm tired.

#thinking thoughts

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