#I'M BEING PLAGUED WITH VISIONS

[heyacris]

Can't sleep right now, I'm daydreaming about hypothetical routes and the good and bad endings to a Blush Blush visual novel

[lemonycranberries]

i haven't even actually read the book of bill. so WHY does my mind keep bothering me with a bizarre inescapable desire to make a billford edit to casual by chappell roan

[disenchanteds]

this goes on main methinks

[disregardcanon]

thinking about different yellowjackets gender bent aus and oh boy i wish i wasn’t

[spiderjaw]

I had . a vision .

gerard way . as that one painting of Lucifer .

[querida]

i'm ngl if this is what it's gonna be like to get drunk while in a long distance relationship, i'm gonna start throwing rocks at people

[malachitezmeyka]

PMS is seriously gonna kill me at some point bc it's the middle of the school day and yet I'm genuinely out of my mind horny

[malcriada]

ougghhhh when the brainrot hits

[morganaawriterr]

One;

SYNOPSIS ➺ In a marriage born out of convenience and plagued by bitterness, You and Sunghoon find yourselves trapped in a cycle of cold indifference and unspoken resentment. Your quiet strength and tender care begin to reach the heart Sunghoon has so carefully guarded. Slowly, walls built from years of hurt and mistrust start to crumble, revealing a shared loneliness neither had acknowledged. With every tentative step toward connection, your hearts yearn for a closeness you’ve long denied yourself selves, leaving both to wonder if you can build something real from the ashes of your forced bond.

NAVIGATION ➺ Intro - 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05

PAIRING ➺ fem!reader X husband!Park Sunghoon

GENRE ➺ Arranged Marriage trope; Slow Burn; Angst; Fluff; Smut (kinda)

WARNINGS ➺cursing, mention of pills (some are drugs); abuse; mentions of blood; sexual content; injuries; heavy themes; juicy tension ;)

MUSIC ➺ Listen to 'nevertheless ost' and 'the trunk ost'!!

DISCLAIMER ➺ This story is fiction, and it does not reflect real life in any way. This story is heavily inspired by the kdrama 'The Trunk' on Netflix but with a special twist!

WORDS ➺ 4.4k

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➺ It's finally here, im going to pass out HAHA. I'm so freaking excited!! I've been working very hard on this!! I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it!! Thank you for all the love and support. It means everything to me <3

You've always wanted to get married, thinking deep love and closeness between lovers were all you needed. House chores wouldn’t seem so bad with a loving partner by your side, and fights wouldn’t matter much because, in the end, all that mattered was that you loved each other.

But when you married Sunghoon, that idealized vision of marriage was flushed away. You understood why you agreed to this, but you wished you hadn’t. Nevertheless, it was too late to harbor regrets. Your eyes wandered to the stove, where the kimchi soup was finishing its slow boil. Without meaning to, your thoughts drifted back to your wedding day. Your body tensed at the memory, still so vivid and raw.

The ceremony was beautiful, but it was meaningless. The creative team had chosen blue as the theme color, a perfect match for the day’s melancholy. As you stood before the mirror fixing your braided bun, a single tear escaped, sliding down your cheek. Your chest burned with a dull ache, your heart feeling as though it were being crushed.

You knew this marriage was a necessity—a way out of the life you were desperately trying to leave behind. But it felt wrong. Wearing such a beautiful gown for a union built on fake pretense. As your unsteady hands adjusted the lace of your mermaid-style wedding dress, the door creaked open behind you.

“Are you ready, Hun?” Sunghoon’s mother asked, standing in the doorway with a gentle smile.

As if sensing your turmoil, she stepped closer, wrapping you in a warm hug. “It will get better, I promise,” she said softly, her gaze filled with compassion.

You nodded, managing a faint, forced smile before taking her hand and guiding her out to join Sunghoon’s father. He was a tall man with an air of dominance, his face stern as he checked his gold wristwatch. Hearing your footsteps, he looked up, his features softening slightly. Offering his arm with unexpected gentleness, he led you to the ceremony.

The luxurious hall was lined with guests who rose to their feet, clapping as you made your way down the aisle. You didn’t recognize most of them, apart from your mother, seated at the back with an indifferent expression. She hadn’t supported this arrangement but came to maintain appearances for a friend. Your hands trembled as you walked, the thick atmosphere making it hard to breathe.

And then you saw him—Sunghoon. He stood tall, his black tailored suit fitting perfectly, exuding elegance. The small Prada pin softly shone under the light, showing off his expensive taste. His dark eyes, behind thin-framed glasses, avoided yours entirely. He never once glanced your way. Even when it came time to exchange vows, his gaze remained somewhere behind you.

A sudden noise pulled you back to the present. You peeked into the hallway to see Sunghoon putting on his shoes.

“Are you leaving already?” you asked, concern shaping your voice as your eyes settled on his pale, weary face.

“Yes,” he replied coldly.

“What about lunch? I was just—”

“I’m not hungry,” he interrupted, his tone hard. Grabbing his briefcase, he left without another word, the door clicking shut behind him.

You closed your eyes and took a shaky breath, forcing back the tears welling in your eyes. Slowly, you returned to the kitchen, where the aroma of kimchi soup lingered. With a quiet sigh, you turned off the stove and poured yourself a small serving, the familiar smell offering a faint comfort.

Sitting down at the dining table, you reached for the bowl of purple rice and began to eat in silence. Sunlight filtered through the open blinds, casting a warm glow across the room as though trying to console you. But it was short-lived. The memories of your wedding night came rushing back, unbidden and sharp.

It was past midnight. Everyone was drinking and enjoying dessert as you and your husband sat together at the main table. Besides you, Sunghoon was completely drunk—yelling and punching the table whenever his glass was empty, scolding the servers for not noticing he wanted more wine, and calling them slow and stupid.

Your eyes stayed focused on your plate, where a carefully made tiramisu sat—your husband’s favorite. You couldn’t bring yourself to eat. Your head was pounding, and it was still hard to breathe. Abruptly, Sunghoon stood up and started walking, disappearing into the vast corridors of the restaurant. His steps were unsteady, causing him to bump into a server and a large flowerpot.

Sunghoon’s mother glanced at you, and her silent look said everything. You stood on sore feet and followed him, moving slowly as you tried to figure out where he was going. Sunghoon slipped into a random room, and after waiting for a moment, you knocked gently and opened the door.

Inside the dimly lit space, you found your new husband swallowing two small white pills. When he noticed your presence, the anger he had been suppressing finally snapped.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sunghoon spat bitterly.

“I was just checking on you. You can barely stand,” you explained, quietly closing the door behind you.

You took a cautious step toward him, but Sunghoon immediately stood and moved away, keeping his distance. He couldn’t stand you—or your fake smile, as if this were some perfect wedding.

“Get the fuck away from me,” he said sharply when you tried to reach out, intending only to fix his crooked tie.

“Sunghoon, you don’t have to be like this,” you said softly, your voice already trembling as warm tears began to well in your eyes.

Sunghoon laughed—a cold, mocking sound that echoed in the room and in your head.

“You’re so fucking pathetic and naive,” he sneered. “What were you expecting, huh? That I’d be thankful you agreed to marry me? Don’t pretend you didn’t get something out of this proposal. You’re nothing but a fucking opportunist.”

His words felt like a slap across the face, but you held your ground. Sunghoon stepped closer than he ever had before, his breath reeking of alcohol and his cheeks painted in a deep shade of red.

“Sunghoon, I’m your wife. You respect me!” you snapped, your voice shaking with anger.

He let out another bitter laugh. Running a hand through his dark hair, looking you in the eyes for the first time that night.

“I will never, never, you hear me?” He said, stepping closer to you again. “I will never kiss you, hold you, or fuck you. No matter what you try, I will never touch you. I will never be yours.”

The venom in his voice left you numb. Before you realized what you were doing, you shoved him back, your hands trembling with rage and frustration. Your body felt like it was burning, and the tears you’d been holding back fell freely.

“I’m not here to seduce you,” you said quietly, pointing a finger at him. The tears streamed down your face as you added, “Do you think I want anything from you? Mr. so rich yet so addicted to pills that he can’t function like a normal human being.” Your voice trembled with rage as the words tumbled out.

Your eyes locked with Sunghoon’s. His gaze, dark and intense sent your pulse racing. You wanted to scream back, to cut him as deeply as he had cut you. But you refused to be like him. Without another word, you turned and left, slamming the door behind you.

As you put another spoon of the soup in your mouth, you realize that you are crying. The salty taste of your tears mixed with the soup you were eating. Sunghoon wasn’t as cruel or angry as he used to be—not anymore. Now he was distant and cold. You knew his pain was rooted in a past relationship, but he wouldn’t let you in to help him overcome it.

Feeling like you couldn’t eat another bite, you got up and began tidying the kitchen. The quiet rhythm of cleaning helped the time pass, and you were grateful for the distraction. You hated how big, empty, and silent his house felt. After finishing in the kitchen, you decided to go check up on his room.

You climbed the spiral staircase, your footsteps echoing in the vast space, and then you entered his bedroom. The moment you opened the door, his expensive cologne enveloped you.

You moved around the large room, opening the windows to let in fresh air. His bed wasn’t messy, so it didn’t take long to straighten the covers. Once everything was in order, curiosity pulled you toward his dressing room.

The space was tall rather than long, impeccably organized, and spotless—just like Sunghoon. As you wandered further inside, your eyes landed on the mannequin at the center of the room. It was bare. A small smile touched your lips. Slowly, but surely, you were helping him open up to you.

The night eventually came, and you found yourself eating the leftovers from lunch alone in the kitchen. You had just finished washing up, so your black hair was still damp and wrapped in a towel. A random show played on the TV, and while you weren’t paying much attention to it, you appreciated the company it gave you.

Then you heard his footsteps. Sunghoon usually took his time coming inside—removing his trainers and setting down his backpack slowly—but tonight, the sounds were different; they seemed rushed. Soon, he appeared in the hallway, catching a glimpse of you quietly eating.

“Hey, how was your day? Do you want me to make you something to eat?” you asked, getting up and walking toward the large man.

Sunghoon didn’t respond; his exhausted eyes fixed on you. As you approached, he didn’t step away. Though he still didn’t fully trust you, part of him hoped you’d understand how he felt just by looking at him.

And you did. Your eyes carefully studied his face, noting the loneliness etched into his features. The dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, the slight flush on his nose and lips—it all pointed to one thing. But instead of pressing him with questions, you silently reached up to help him untie his tie. Your fingers moved slowly and deliberately, working on the knot with practice.

Sunghoon was both confused and relieved. He didn’t want to explain why he felt so sad—he didn’t want to hurt you with the truth. As he watched your focused expression, your eyes so big and fixated on the task, he couldn’t help but find you… adorable. The faint scent of vanilla from your body lotion drifted up, sweet and comforting—just like you.

“I’ll run the shower for you,” you said softly, a gentle smile gracing your lips. “When you’re done, you can join me in the living room. We can share a beer and watch TV.”

Without waiting for a reply, you turned and headed to his bathroom to prepare the shower.

After a long, warm shower, Sunghoon stood awkwardly in the arched entryway of the living room. His damp hair clung to his forehead, and he wore a simple black T-shirt and sweatpants. You didn’t notice him at first, too engrossed in the basketball game playing on the screen. But out of the corner of your eye, you saw him.

“Here, you can sit down. I’m just watching this game,” you said, tossing him a can of beer.

Sunghoon caught it with ease, a faint, gentle smile tugging at his lips as he took a moment to admire you. Your hair was still a little wet, dampening the collar of your shirt. You wore an oversized T-shirt and shorts, but what really caught his attention was something he’d never seen you wear before: big, square-shaped glasses perched on your nose. They made you look undeniably cute.

Realizing where his thoughts had wandered, Sunghoon shook his head slightly and moved to the couch, sitting on the opposite end from you. He popped open the beer, took a sip, and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the soft pillow of the sofa.

The next morning, when Sunghoon woke up, he felt slightly better. Despite taking his usual sleeping pills, he had fallen asleep faster and slept more soundly. In his mind, it was all because of you and your idea, so he started joining you in the living room every day.

He couldn’t quite understand how you seemed to know him so well, despite him never opening up to you, but he was grateful.

For the next few weeks, Sunghoon settled into a routine: joining you in the living room, drinking a beer, and staying by your side until you grew tired and went to bed.

What fascinated him the most was the way you always respected his space—letting him sit in silence when he needed it or patiently answering his questions about the match when he felt talkative. You were always patient and considerate, even in the face of his coldness.

Over time, Sunghoon began to see you differently. You weren’t as naive or opportunistic as he’d first thought. You were kind, thoughtful, and kind of sweet.

Tonight was no different. You were curled up at the corner of the sofa, your legs stretched out on the comfy cushions. Your large eyes were glued to the game on TV, the screen’s reflection glinting off your glasses. The scent of your perfume lingered in the room, distracting Sunghoon and making it hard for him to focus on the match.

“Did you know I hate basketball?” Sunghoon asks, drawing your attention as you glance at him briefly.

“I know you do,” you respond with a shy smile, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “I just don’t know why.”

Sunghoon stays silent for a few moments, debating whether he should tell you. His gaze drifts to your face, studying your expression. Your eyes remain locked on his, a calm and gentle look etched on your features.

“Well…” he begins, shifting his focus back to the TV. “My dad made me play basketball when I was younger and forced me to quit ice skating. He said ice skating was ‘too girly’ and that I needed to man up.” Sunghoon’s voice is steady, but his eyes stay fixed on the television. "Ice skating was my passion and he took it away from me. I was young and it confused me so much..."

Your gaze, however, never wavers from his face. You notice how hesitant he seems to meet your eyes. You understand this is a sensitive topic, and a small wave of relief washes over you, knowing he trusts you enough to share it.

“I’ve hated basketball ever since. Well, until a few weeks ago, I guess. Now, I can’t sleep without coming here to watch you watch a game.” His words bring a proud smile to your lips.

“See? I’m such a good wife. I make you face your fears,” you tease, a playful grin spreading across your face as your eyes remain on his.

He doesn’t respond, simply leaning back against the pillow and letting out a deep breath. Sensing he needs space now, you quietly shift your attention back to the screen, giving him the room to process.

Yawning, Sunghoon, reached for his phone, only to see no new messages. She hadn’t replied to him today—not that he’d called, only texted. Frustrated, he tossed the phone onto the coffee table and leaned back, closing his eyes. Soon, his thoughts were clouded with memories of his ex-fiancée.

She’d been a good friend when they first started dating, always supportive and caring when he was feeling down. But as the relationship progressed, she became more controlling. At first, Sunghoon thought it was normal—maybe she was just trying to protect him. So he went along with it. He let her tell him to change his clothes when she thought he looked “too good.”

Sunghoon, a simple man who had grown up starved for love due to a lack of parental affection. He fell deeply in love with her, mainly because she was the only one giving him the attention he needed. So, blinded by his feelings, he failed to notice how much control she was beginning to exert over his life.

First, she forbade him from going out with his male friends. Then he wasn’t allowed to drink unless she was around. Eventually, she started going through his phone. Sunghoon didn’t see a problem with any of it—he had nothing to hide, and he was so in love that he couldn’t see anyone but her.

When they got engaged, Sunghoon and his fiancée moved in with his father. The house was massive and soulless, drained of warmth and happiness after his mother left. His father wanted Sunghoon close by to teach him about managing the family business, so the arrangement seemed ideal.

When his mother found out that Sunghoon was living in her old home, she decided she would visit occasionally to check on him. She knew how difficult his father could be.

One day, when she arrived, she was greeted by the sound of shouting. Her heart raced as she rushed toward the bustling scene, fearing the worst.

What she saw left her horrified. Sunghoon’s fiancée had just slapped him across the face. The old woman felt sick to her stomach, tears forming in her eyes as she stormed into the kitchen.

“What is going on here?” she demanded, her voice stern and echoing off the walls.

Neither of them answered. Sunghoon stared at his feet, his right cheek stinging from the slap. He should have been angry, but all he felt was fear—fear of what his lover might say or do.

“Nothing. I was being controlling, and she just defended herself,” Sunghoon finally muttered, his voice barely audible, his eyes refusing to meet his mother’s.

She didn’t believe him. She had already noticed how that woman carried herself around the house, acting as though she owned it. Her posture was always stiff, her chin held high, and her words—sharp and venomous—always seemed to pierce through Sunghoon, planting doubts in his mind and making him believe them.

But before his mother could say another word, Sunghoon grabbed his fiancée’s hand and pulled her out of the kitchen. As he left, he caught a glimpse of his mother’s worried expression but chose to ignore it.

Sunghoon opens his eyes suddenly and notices you still leaning against the sofa, your attentive gaze fixed on the screen as the game unfolds. He picks up his beer, taking another sip, but his attention suddenly shifts to you. The way you always treat him so gently unsettles him. You're always there—helping with his clothes, making him food, offering your company. He doesn’t like to dwell on it, but the affectionate way you look at him makes him wonder why he’s been so distant and harsh toward you.

You don’t deserve it.

As if she somehow sensed his thoughts about you, Sunghoon’s phone lights up with a message from his ex-fiancée. She casually explains that she’s been busy—on a date. She spares no details, ensuring he knows everything. From the red dress she wore to the perfume she used, and even the sex she had with the man afterward. Sunghoon’s eyes grow watery as he reads it, hating the way she always twists the knife.

“You know, you can always put your phone in sleep mode,” you replied playfully, taking a sip of your beer.

“What?” Sunghoon asks, his attention snapping to your face.

“Didn’t you wake up because of the notification sounds?” you ask, your brows knitting together in genuine curiosity.

“Oh…” Sunghoon murmurs. “Wait, I was sleeping?” he asks, confused—he hadn’t taken his pills yet.

You give him a puzzled look in return. “Yes, you were even snoring,” you tease, shifting your gaze back to the screen to hide a laugh.

“I don’t snore!” Sunghoon protests, annoyed, but as soon as he catches the mischievous smile on your lips, he softens. Realizing you’re just teasing him, he can’t help but chuckle.

You don’t say anything else, simply adjusting your glasses and returning your attention to the match. But Sunghoon’s gaze lingers on you, burning holes into your frame as he stares without shame. You shift slightly, straightening your back and subtly pushing out your chest—just enough to give him something nice to look at.

Sunghoon doesn’t even realize he’s staring until he becomes aware of the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of your chest as you breathe. The shirt you’re wearing today is more revealing than usual, offering him a glimpse of your bare cleavage. As if that weren’t enough, the sweet scent of your perfume fills his senses again, leaving him utterly mesmerized.

He leans back against the pillow and closes his eyes, trying to banish the thoughts of you from his mind—your pleading eyes, your intoxicating scent, your undeniably beautiful face. Before he realizes it, his body relaxes, and he falls asleep once more, this time with you on his mind.

After a few minutes of silence, you glance to your side, only to find Sunghoon snuggled up on the sofa, his lips softly pouting as he sleeps peacefully. A small smile creeps onto your face at the sight, glad that he’s finally found rest.

The reason you invited him to spend time in the living room with you, was to help him establish a routine and eventually fall asleep naturally—without needing his pills.

Sunghoon thought you didn’t know about them, but you did. Some of those pills weren’t just regular sleeping aids. They were a mysterious drug that might make him sleep, but they gave him restless nights and vivid nightmares. The worst part being, he seemed to be addicted to them. You’d first noticed it when, one night, you caught him wandering the house, unable to sleep with just the usual pills.

Getting up from your seat, you search for a fluffy blanket and gently drape it over him. You hope he’ll stay on the sofa all night—a sign that his sleeping habits might finally be improving.

As you walk toward your bedroom, your thoughts drift to where he could have gotten those pills. And you silently pray that your suspicions are wrong.

The next morning, you woke up feeling energized and positive. Driven by a craving for something salty and delicious, you got out of bed and headed straight to the kitchen.

Soft music played in the background as you cooked, your body swaying slightly to the rhythm while you happily prepared breakfast.

As you turned around to start washing some plates, you jumped slightly, startled to find Sunghoon standing against the door frame. There was a different look in his eyes as he examined you—your revealing shirt from yesterday still on your skin, attracting his eyes like a magnet.

Then, after sniffing the new aroma in the air, his curious eyes moved past you, focusing on the stove to check what you were cooking.

He had woken up to the gentle sound of the music and the smell of freshly made food. The things between you seem to be going alright, so he thought he might try joining you for breakfast this morning.

Your cheeks flushed red under his intense gaze, unaccustomed to receiving this much attention from him.

“Good morning,” Sunghoon said, his deep, teasing voice carrying a hint of playfulness as a small smile tugged at his plump lips.

Not used to speaking with him in the morning, his raspy voice caught you off guard. “Good morning, Sunghoon,” you replied with a soft smile.

As you set the side dishes on the table, Sunghoon’s eyes remained on the food. It must have taken you at least two hours to prepare all this, and he was quietly impressed by your effort and dedication.

When you finally sat down next to him at the table, you noticed his phone light up with notifications—three times, to be exact. Whoever was texting seemed insistent.

“You’re going to keep ignoring that?” you asked, curious, as you scooped a spoonful of rice into your mouth.

Sunghoon gave you a brief, questioning look, his thick left eyebrow arching. When you met his gaze, he quickly looked away and continued eating.

“I don’t feel like responding,” he said suddenly after a stretch of silence.

You rolled your eyes and slid his phone closer to his hand.

“What if it’s something important?” you asked, half-concerned, half-curious to see his reaction.

Sunghoon picked up his phone but ignored your question. His long fingers tapped on the screen quickly, and you averted your gaze, not wanting to seem like you were staring.

<Aren’t you going to say anything? Yesterday, from: true wife>

<Hey, don’t leave me hanging, Hubby!! Yesterday, from: true wife>

<Good morning to you too. Is everything okay? Today, from: true wife>

<You’ve been more distant lately… Today, from: true wife>

Sunghoon sighed as he read the texts, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes. He couldn’t understand why she was suddenly so desperate for his attention.

After a deep breath, he quickly typed a response: I’m okay. I’ve just been busier, that’s all.

Once sent, he locked his phone and pushed it aside. Right now, his focus was on how he would manage to eat all the delicious food you’d prepared.

“These tastes exactly like my mom used to make!” Sunghoon exclaimed, his mouth full, and eyes sparkling with joy as he looked at you.

“I know,” you replied with a sly smile, your tone implying something else.

Sunghoon turns his head to face you, giving you a confused look, his eyebrows knitting together. But you avoid his gaze, keeping your eyes firmly fixed on the food on your plate. You have secrets too—secrets he has no idea.

Taglist: @grandlightcandy @seokseokjinkim @strxwbloody @enhasunghoonishot @contyynishimura @heewanrik @ranwonbin @leanderexists @lovelyyf @youngheejay @crimson-reaper576 @rikifever @mrsjjongstby @laurradoesloveu @babyboomysweetie @mintchocos-things @nxzz-skz @saphiranishimurashan @ikeupups @yangjungwonnie @xiiaobaoo @itsuen @laylasbunbunny @mellowgalaxystrawberry @firstclassjaylee @questionsdearreader @greeyjre @en-doll @riqomi @lovingvoidgoatee @mitmit01 @miuwonis @aureliaaaa555 @han-to-my-minho @heeweenie If you wanna be added or removed from the taglist just comment below!

[messenger-of-babel]

Voicemails

Summary: When complications arise on his mission, all he has is one phone call back to you. (Death Island! Leon x reader)

Word Count: 2.1K

Notes: It really does end here, huh? 🥹 This is the last post for this month. We have officially finished Angstober 2024. Thank you to everyone who liked, commented, reblogged, followed, and sent me things to my inbox. It's going to be weird not writing for you all every day, but you'll still see me around. I'm going to take a small break and write in the background, get through requests and stuff. I'm moving house and graduating at the same time so I might not post a whole lot till I'm settled again, but then you can count on me for more than angst!

General warnings for language use, spoilers for Death Island if you haven't seen it (you should it's quite funny), and a mildly OOC Leon but we can all be saps sometimes. Warping the events of the movie to my own benefit.

Enjoy our last post of this month, sweethearts~

RiRi xx

━━━━━━━━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"You wanna make a call?" Chris grunts, looking down at him. Leon looks up at him, vision blurry and pain radiating through his body. His neck stings from where the microdrone bit him, and he can no longer feel anything from his thighs down, just a numb tingle. He has to consciously remind himself to breathe, in through the nose and out through the mouth.

"You got- you got a way?" he rasps back, eyes scrunching in confusion. Chris nods, the bigger man bucking slightly against the cell wall he's leaning against.

"Left- left pocket." he grits out. "Claire got the signal through before we got bit. It's only strong enough for one call, then Dylan's framework will probably patch it."

Leon sighs, head hitting the rusted bars of Alcatraz. This had been another run of the mill mission, find the missing scientist selling government secrets, pack him up and ship him back to the government to be trialled at court. In the true fashion of his 'run of the mill missions', nothing went according to that plan and veered off into a clusterfuck as usual. The BSAA had been involved chasing their own leads, and he had run into Jill in the sewers running from zombies. the plague that seemed to follow him like a shadow ever since he left Raccoon as a young and very traumatised cop.

He was supposed to get in and out, wrap it up so he could come home to you like he promised. As he sat there writhing, he wondered what the look on your face would be if he wasn't able to make it to the cruise that you had both planned. You had lobbied both him and the DSO for a holiday, and after many angry letters and snatching the phone out of his hand to yell at his supervisor, you had succeeded in getting him two months off. Without hesitation you had booked the both of you on a cruise, shushing him every time he had tried to protest.

If he was being honest, just sleeping at home would have been enough. He could barely remember the last time that he had sat down or stopped for a moment. The days that he was at the office or on a mission blurred together so often that he was beginning to forget what colour you had both decided to paint the kitchen, making him falter when coworkers made small talk with him in the staff room. Which side of the bed you preferred to sleep on, what bills needed to be paid first, whether the spare bedroom was being turned into an office or a workshop or not. It was when his forgetfulness led him to forget what month it was and being blindsided to your own anniversary that he finally snapped out of it.

You had been sitting on the porch steps dressed in your finery, watery eyes looking up at him as he pulled into the driveway, your knees pulled to your chest. He had jumped from the car like you were shot, the realisation of what he had done thrumming hard in his chest. "I'm so sorry" he had murmured into your hair, holding you tight. "I am so so sorry."

You had just sniffled in response and eventually gave him a weak hug back, and he clung to that like a lifeline. He swore that he would never fuck up like that again, and he intended to keep that promise.

So, he had relented to the cruise vacation, telling himself that he would be able to relax and unwind on the seas and out of service of work. They could call another agent for once, he wanted to focus on nothing but the smile you wore as you got to carry out the couple things he felt he had denied you your entire relationship. Getting to use the swim up bar, taking photos together, dressing in matching clothes for the cheesy cruise quiz nights. If that was what you wanted, that is what he was going to give you. Besides, it gave him a chance to relish in you again.

You, who had cancelled the wedding of your dreams to get married at the courthouse with him when he got called away suddenly and you weren't sure if you would see him again. You had been married within hours with the rings he had picked and you in the finest you could find on such short notice. He had thought you looked stunning, even if the lighting was the harsh LED of the courthouse and not candles like you had wanted.

You, who had put up with months of him being gone, not knowing if he was dead or alive. Who had to stay up late tracking the news for crumbs of his whereabouts, only able to make guesses to where he might have been assigned. Every death, every bioterrorist attack overseas carrying the possibility that Leon's body was among those being pulled from the carnage.

You, who he was calling right now with the jacked cell phone from Chris's pocket, dial tone droning on.

Leon had been stung last, used as nothing more than an example to show off the latest weapon in the bioterror market. Yet he was losing feeling fast, much faster than Chris or even Claire struggling in the other cell. It was like his atoms were screaming at him, writhing in him at a molecular level. Breathing felt like it was through a damp cloth, lungs having to work twice as hard to suck oxygen into his lungs. His eyelids were struggling to stay awake and fight off the black curtains that floated in the corners. he could see the way that the others looked at him, with pity and with concern. As soon as he had caught the eye of Chris, saw the flicker of fear cross the usually confident man's face, he knew that he was reacting worse than all of them.

So here he was, heart in his throat as he prepared to tell you the words he hadn't been expecting to say when he left that morning. When the line doesn't pick up he curses, waiting for the tone. He wasn’t going to waste his chance.

"Hi! If I haven't picked up, I can't come to the phone right now. If you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Please wait for the beep, thank you!"

He smiles to himself at the chipper tone of your voice, sounding heaven sent even through the phone. When he hears the tone he takes a deep breath, as big as he can and puts a fake smile on his face. He hopes that it makes his tone come out just a little sweeter for you, even though he knows that you'll be worried regardless.

"Hey, Sweetheart." he starts, voice raspy. "I'm sorry to be calling you like this. I just wanted to call to hear your voice. I-I missed you. I know you didn’t pick up, so you're probably busy. Now don't call me back immediately, I... won’t be able to pick up for a while. I just...damnit I wanted to just hear you." He grits out, head falling against the bars as he loses strength in his neck. He catches eyes with Chris, the older man's eyes misting over as he looks down at him before he turns his head away, the most privacy he can give him in the situation.

"I just wanted to call to let you know that I love you...and I miss you." he begins again. With his eyes closed the words come easier, the image of you flitting into his mind's eye. You look at him in his spectral vision with a smile, encouraging him to go on. He feels his chest ease, like he's actually talking to you, and the both of you are the only ones in the room. "I know you're going to worry. I know this doesn't sound good-" he grits his teeth against another hot flash of pain. "And... it’s not." he finishes. "I want to tell you…that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't think I'm gonna make it home tonight, baby. I... I might not make it back from this." he tries to chuckle, but the sound is dry, and the effort hurts his chest. "Things got bad here, and it's not looking good. I think- I think it ends here, honey. If I don't make it just...just, please look after yourself."

He takes a shaky breath, and the silence of everyone around him is deafening. The scene is oddly private and uncomfortable for the others in the vicinity, while the usually ever-energetic man known as Leon delivers his verbal will. "I know you won’t want to go, but go on that cruise. You worked hard for it, and you were so excited. I wanted to go swimming with you, fall asleep by the pool and pretend it was the honeymoon I owe you. So, I want you to still go on it. Even if I don't come back...I'll ask the big man above to let me hang around long enough to do it with you, even if you won't be able to see me. I made a promise remember? No more missing big things." he whispers into the phone.

His throat is beginning to hurt, like speaking around a sharp lump every time he formed a word. "And the house is yours, it should go into your name. The car, everything, you'll have it all. I just...I just wish it could have been different, you know?" he says into the receiver, that has begun to waver by his cheek. "But it is what it is, and I guess it finally caught up to me. I'm sorry I was such a shitty husband." he says, a light tremor in his voice. "I wish I had come home to you more, not left the bed cold. I wish I could have made you more dinners and more breakfasts in bed, just to show you how much I loved you. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I never told it to you enough, or managed to even put into actions just how much you mean to me, but I do. You mean everything, sweetheart." he chokes into the phone, a small smile on his face. "I love you more than anything, so...so don't think anything else, okay? This isn't your fault. It never was. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you hear me? So you pick yourself up when I'm gone," he gasps out, hand beginning to waver. "You put yourself back in that saddle, and you show the world just how strong you are. Show them the person I fell in love with." he says with a smile, before breaking into a fit of painful coughs.

"Don't stay up, sweetheart. Get to bed early. I miss you, more than you'll ever know." he coughs out into the receiver before his body can't hold him up anymore and he slides down the bars until his cheek is pressing into the concrete, hand falling to his side and phone clattering against the stone. He can hear the tone end, and the automated whoosh sound as the voicemail sends. With bleary eyes he can make out the turned head of Claire, looking down at him with wobbling lips and tear-filled eyes.

"Look after 'em, hey?" he rasps out, pain in his chest stabbing as the black curtains begin to slide across his vision. Claire nods, and he can hear Chris grunt in the background. Leon falls into an unconsciousness shortly after, the smiling image of you the last thing he holds close to him as the blackness swallows him completely. As his body stills, a small smile is frozen on his face, the arrogant half tilted smirk he so loved to give you.

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

Typing away at your computer, you work till your eyes go square from the computer screen. You wipe a hand over your face as you review the spreadsheet that you're working on, leaning back to take a sip of your coffee. Your music blasts in your headphones, and for a quick break you pull up the checklist you've made for your upcoming holiday.

You're so engrossed in your work that you're unaware as your phone screen glows to life beside you, message popping across your notification bar.

You have (1) new voicemails.

[tielesiti-eftu]

you have no fudcking idea

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 17!

we're another week closer to buddie canon, i feel it in my bones <3

please take a look at both the fic ratings and the tags before reading! some of these contain spoilers for season 8. if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

all that you ever wanted from me | stevesconverse | 7.8k | T

the one where Eddie takes care of Buck when he's being plagued by a bad migraine. i'm such a sucker for fics like this <3 seeing these two take care of each other is just so, so good, and this is the loveliest example of that!!

flash mobs and jumbotron proposals | glorious_spoon/@glorious-spoon | 10.2k | E

Buck asks a question. Eddie dithers. this has such wonderful eddie characterisation!! i loved his thought process and also the conversation with bobby <3

it only hurts this much right now | daffodilsonaprettystring/@daffodilsonaprettystring | 7.1k | GA

Buck wakes up with a headache, but goes into work anyways despite the pain. Eddie is not pleased with this. But it's fine, Buck has done this before, he can do it again... right? such a wonderful fic!! i love the conversation buck has with eddie here <3

king of the castle | organyx | 12.5k | E

Buck and Eddie challenge each other to see who can go the longest without an orgasm. Eddie’s pretty confident he can win. this is hot and silly and freaky and has the absolute best buddie banter. so good!!

saddle up and ride | lecornergirl/@clusterbuck | 2.7k | E

He looks up at Buck, positioned above him like this, and he knows exactly what he wants. “Ride me,” he says, and only realises how authoritative it came out when Buck’s eyes widen. “I mean—if you—” JOINT. ACCOUNT. you will get this when you read it. just. JOINT. ACCOUNT. incredible fic <3

stress relief | greenbergsays/@greenbergsays | 5.6k | E

Set in the aftermath of the sniper shooting. Eddie is feeling frustrated and Buck offers a helping hand. hot and soft and just so very beautiful <3 what a vision of a fic!!

sweetness follows | pairofraggedclaws/@pairofraggedclaws | 4.3k | T

Buck and Eddie figure it out, through the eyes of Chimney, Hen, and Bobby. i love a good multipe pov fic and also i love the firefam and also i love buddie so basically this fic is perfect for me <3

want to feel you when i'm falling in love | smilingbuckley/@smilingbuckley | 1k | GA

Buck keeps getting cold at night and struggles falling asleep. Eddie cuddles him about it. listen i am a simple person, okay? i see the tag cuddling and snuggling, i see that the fic is written by an author whose work i love, i click the link and devour the fic like it's the first glass of water i've had in days. this is so very lovely <3

what a view | maybeamystery/@frysquint | 3.1k | GA

They’re coming back from a late call for a shift that was supposed to end at two-thirty but didn’t, and Buck has been keeping a close eye on the time. He’s a busy guy with things to do and places to be. One minute he’s glancing at his phone for the two hundredth time in the last thirty minutes, and the next, the whole world goes blurry and out of focus. this was a reread! i love the dialogue here, it feels so true to character!

what makes you smile | EiraLloyd/@unlifeira | 5.6k | T

Three times Buck draws something that makes Eddie smile, and one time Eddie draws something that makes Buck smile. well, guess what? this entire fic made ME smile <3 it's just so fun and so lovely and so buddie and i love the drawings!!

where we belong | carpediaz/@sofa-king-lame | 34.8k | E

The one where Eddie outsources his hair washing post shooting, meets Buck, and learns to accept the good things in life. okay but where do i make an appointment with hairdresser buck. please let me make an appointment with hairdresser buck!! i love the writing here, the descriptions are lovely and the dialogue is brilliant and the domesticity of it all is just <3

you make the world taste better | farfromthstars/@doeeyeseddie | 11.8k | T

Newly arrived to LA, Eddie decides to take his son to parent/child cooking classes. The instructor is so much more than he expected. this was a reread of one of my favourites <3 i love chris here and his relationship with both buck and eddie, and the firefam presence is so lovely!! just such a gem!

you touched down in the base of my fears | fruitsdoesnotknow/@fruitsdontknow | 10.2k | T

the 118 attempt an escape room. Buck and Eddie attempt to be normal for sixty minutes. if you need some cheering up this week, i cannot recommend this fic enough <3 i love hen and ravi and bobby and the buddie of it all and it's just so, so good!!

[mediumgayitalian]

"Oh my gods, Will."

"One fire extinguisher? Two? Two. You can never go wrong with being prepared. Can you pass me the power adapter --"

"We are going on a two day errand."

Will continues to mutter to himself, trying to squeeze the zipper closed on his third duffle bag. Nico drags his hand down his face.

"Will. Sweetheart. We are going one state over, they have the same charging outlets."

Nico knew this was a bad idea. He knew it. He told Chiron it was too far, he told Mr. D it was too soon, but does anyone listen to him? Nooooo. It's all this was your idea, boy and Nico, dear, I really think exposure is the only thing that will help.

Nico is getting very tired of exposure.

"This is your fault, Lester," he mutters to himself. "I'm not sure how exactly but I will arrive there shortly." Mentally, he adds it to the list of things he will read in an accusing voice at Apollo next time he visits for his monthly penance. Maybe he'll enlist Kayla's help, she'll love that. She can shoot rubber arrows for emphasis as Nico reads off his crimes.

"Will." He stands up from his boyfriend's once meticulously made but now mussed bunk and walking over to the dresser, kicking aside his one backpack to rest against the several Will has packed. "Will, that's enough."

It takes his hands on Will's scarred ones, but eventually he stops. Nico can feel his muscles spasming slightly, but he holds firm, waiting crouched next to the healer until his face stops twitching and the muttering fades to clunky, heavy silence.

"Where are we at, sweetheart?"

Will lets out a shaky breath. His eyes move rapidly under his eyelids, face so tense Nico can feel the tension headache in his own brow.

"Green," he admits, voice small.

Nico cannot bite back a sigh. He regrets it, when Will shrinks back; he runs his thumbs over the crests of Will's wrists to soothe.

"I need you to start telling me before we get to green," he chides, as gently as he can manage. "Whatever color is the step before green, I need to know then."

"There's no -- other color. I'm fine, and then I'm probably fine, and then I blink for a second and when I open my eyes three hours have gone by and my wrists are bleeding. So."

There are tears in Will's glaring eyes and Nico aches for him. He aches for this boy who is plagued, in more ways than one, and has no war to distract him from the consequences of it. He aches for this boy who is trying so hard to unlearn everything that is hurting him.

Nico slides down to the floor next to him, gently working the fire extinguisher out of Will's hands. It takes a few tries, but he gets it, finally, and when he has tossed it far enough that Will can't grab it again he massages the stiffness out of Will's bloodless fingers, holds him through the new round of twitching.

"Connecticut has statewide problems with their firefighting programs," Will mumbles. "Lawmakers frequently put forth bills that affect volunteer liability."

"We're not going to get caught in a fire," Nico promises.

Will only shakes his head, sagging into Nico's hold. He breathes jaggedly. When he twists his fingers into Nico's shirt, Nico curls against him, holding tightly, imagining that he can take all the terror that lives in Will's head, all the visions, and banish them to the depths of Tartarus where they belong. He imagines that he can hold his boyfriend tight enough that the tension of terror that plagues him so constantly snaps. He imagines that his hands are cool enough they freeze through the inferno of uncertainty that blazes so brightly in the dead center of Will's chest.

"Repeat it after me," Nico says quietly. "We are not going to get caught in a fire anywhere that doesn't already have an extinguisher nearby."

"More fires occur in wildlife areas than in --"

"Repeat it, Will."

"We are not going to get caught in a fire," Will repeats. He purses his lips, eyebrows furrowing stubbornly. "...Probably."

Nico, despite himself, smiles. That is as good as he is going to get.

"We're absolutely killing step one. Step two is going to be choosing which two pairs of socks you are going to bring on our two day errand."

"What?! You don't only bring two pairs of socks anywhere!"

You don't, and he's right, or so Nico has been told. At the very least he got the Raised Eyebrow of Judgement from Reyna last time he visited and brought one (1) stick of deodorant and his DS in his backpack, but it's fun to see this version of Will -- the hot, indignant one, who stands with his hands on his lips, full Southern pout, and explains listing on his fingers all the ways Nico was raised in a barn.

(It is a relief, too. But Nico tries to focus on the fun.)

"--s'pose you'll tell me no water bottles next! I'm --"

"You can buy a water bottle literally anywhere."

"That is not the point!"

Slowly, as Will rants, Nico reaches for his bags. The wilder stuff he puts back -- the fourth pair of jeans, despite the fact that Nico has never seen him wear hip to ankle anything in all the time he's known him; the six different pairs of extra shoelaces; the defibrillator; the iron supplements; the aforementioned power adapter. Anything that can be purchased at a corner store or lifted, if necessary and Will is distracted, from the nearest Walmart.

He keeps the old, faded photograph. And leaves the three pairs of cargo shorts, even though it is January and it physically pains him.

"Put the hoodies back," Will frets. "I don't -- Chiron wouldn't let me check the weather."

"I'll put one back."

"Two?"

"One, and if you get cold, you can borrow mine."

"What if you get cold?"

"My frigid heart and I are used to it," Nico says drily. Will snorts, and -- a genuine thanks to the gods -- the cloudiness in his eyes starts to fade, the tension melts from his shoulders. Nico feels his own head begin to sag.

"You are not frigid," Will says. He shuffles back over and leans on Nico's side as he works. "Thank you. You make it -- easier."

Nico presses a kiss to the side of his head.

"Any time," he promises, and in his head he swears it. He rocks them, slightly, and relishes in Will's limp, tired arms wrapped around his elbow, in Will's slow, deliberate breathing. He pushes the bag to the side and turns into him fully, pressing his lips to Will's forehead and lingering, holding, breathing in the windswept smell of his hair and the warmth of his body. "Anything, as long as you need it."

[lvlyghost]

The Things I Never Said

Pairings: Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

Summary: Simon had told you he never wanted to be a dad, so when the inevitable happens you run.

Word Count: 2.2k

Tw: angst, fluff, ooc simon(? descriptions of pregnancy and panic attacks, medical inaccuracies, slightly suggestive but nothing too explicit, this isn't proofread; i think that's it?✨

A/N: omg i couldn't stop thinking about this so i had to write it! I'm just feral for dad!simon loosely connected to this bc this is where the idea came from. Hope y'all enjoy it🫰🏻💛🦄

Masterlist✨| Part 2

You're shaking by the time you're out of the bathrooms. There's no doubt. You think with slight tremble on your lower lip. It almost feels aa of the world around you is closing in. Suffocating your lungs. Your vision blurs, when you toss the pregnancy test in the trash can.

This can't be happening. Not to you.

It's not that you didn't want to have kids.

But Simon didn't.

At this point you're sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for air. It's a good thing no one comes to this part late at night. The only moment you could find peace and solace. Sliding down the wall, hiding your face in your hands. How could you let this happen? You should've been more careful.

Your mind goes back to that day when neither of you cared about the consequences. Caught up in the moment, tearing each other's clothes; eager to be together. You hadn't seen Simon in two months when he was deployed to Serbia and you had to stay behind. Being both in the military meant knowing the risks. Every time could be the last time. You heard things about that specific mission. He got injured. You remember the gnawing fear clawing at your chest. And then there he was, knocking on your door as soon as they landed. His shoulder wrapped around bandages. He kissed you hard, desperately.

Hitting the mattress with you on top of him, not wanting to hurt him anymore. The sweet things he murmured in your ears, hands intertwined as you fall apart together.

You love him.

He cares for you.

But even if he felt slightly the same way about you, it wouldn't be enough.

Simon had... traumas. A tragic story of his own. You heard him talk about it late at night when he couldn't sleep. Those demons that plagued his mind, his dreams... and you listened. That's all you could do.

Offer a hand to the man that had saved you over and over again. And somewhere along the lines you fell.

And you fell hard.

Somewhere between dark nights and shared kisses at dawn.

-

You didn't get any sleep last night.

Your mind is still spinning with the anxiety. The morning sickness that started to disrupt as soon as you woke up. Red, puffy eyes that you try to dissimulate by washing your face hoping it goes away.

You get dressed feeling devastated, knowing that you'll have to face him as soon as you enter the training room. He's in charge. The mere thought makes you want to throw up. But you leave the bedroom nonetheless. Walking down the hallway feeling your hands sweating and your ragged breathing.

When you finally open the doors you're fifteen minutes late. That alone will earn you a punishment.

It's almost as if he feels your presence, immediately finding your form when you enter, his jaw tightens. Simon doesn't like this. But as long as you're under his command you get equal treatment or else, he'd be in problems. Both, would be in problems.

"Bit late Sergeant." He grumbles, emphasizing the last word staring directly in your eyes. Ghost is perceptive and is aware that something is wrong, but doesn't comment on it... yet. "Fifty push-ups. Start sparring when you're done."

You swallow down saliva, feeling your throat constrict.

Fuck, fuck. Don't cry. Not right now.

This whole situation has you sensitive.

You start, concentrating on doing the push-ups. Hearing the distant voice of him echoing around the room, sometimes you think he's closer to where you are then he's gone, but his gaze never leaves you. It's almost sinful how good he looks in that tight green army t-shirt and cargo pants

Your arms are sore and wobbly by the time you finish. Standing up you fight a wave o nausea, closing your eyes so hard you see white dots behind your eyelids.

"You alright?" It's Kyle's hand on your shoulder what brings you back, your eyes fluttering open and find him looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised.

You give him a small smile and a nod.

"Just tired that's all. Didn't get much sleep last night." You divert your gaze where the rest are beginning to spar. "How mad is Ghost?"

Gaz chuckles.

"I wouldn't call that mad. I think he's worried. You look like shite, dear."

"Oh." You say.

Gaz prompts you to the other side to join the training. Everyone's gathered around the training mat. Soap is kicking a soldier's ass. What was his name again? You forgot.

A gentle brush on your skin and then delicate fingers wrap your arm. You freeze, Simon's feather touch sends goosebumps all over your body. You turn your face upward to acknowledge him. His deep blue eyes soften when you look at him.

"Is everything okay Sergeant?" He asks. No. He demands.

You open your mouth and then close it. That's a question you don't know yourself.

I wish. You want to say.

But nothing will ever be okay after last night.

"I... I- didn't get much sleep, Sir. That's all."

Simon sighs but doesn't insist. He just nods, accepting your answer for now, once the training is done he'd talk to you. "You're up." He instructs.

Hand to hand to combat has never been your strongest suit but you do it nonetheless. Informatics on the other hand... you're the best of the best. That's why you're here, why you're a part of the task force.

Ghost stands within your range of vision in a way that you can see that he's there even when you're fighting.

You start although you're not in your best shape. Your heart is racing but not for the adrenaline. Your mind is fuzzy and your stomach churns. The panic is starting to break loose on you. You recognize the signs. You barely dodge the man's punch, this can't be called sparring. You're merely deflecting his hits, defending yourself.

Get a fucking grip!

Soap and Gaz look at each other. Then at Ghost who's clenching his fists, looking like he's about to jump between the two and kill the man. They get ready just in case something goes sideways.

You see his fist coming to your face, you take a step back but it grazes your left cheek. Someone in the distance swears and it's enough to distract you, the next blow goes to your gut. He doesn't even hit you with full force, noticing your lack of response he refrains as much as he can but it connects with your abdomen nevertheless.

It suffocates you. Brings you to your knees spitting saliva and gasping for air. You hear the soldier's frantic apologies. You cough trying to breathe but you just can't. It hurts you.

In a quick move Ghost is kneeling beside you, eyes scanning your body for external injuries. Anything.

"Hey... hey, kid! Look at me!" He orders. You can't, mostly because you're gasping for air, coughing, and the pain in your stomach. Ghost grabs your face seeing the tears collecting in the corner of your eyes. Another wave of nausea hits you and you spit out whatever comes out of your mouth. Simon takes you in his arms lifting you and runs to the infirmary, gritting his teeth. His steps echoing in the empty hallway as he bursts the doors of the med wing open.

-

"Captain..." you greet him as soon as you walk into his office, closing the door behind you with a soft click. Price looks at you, arms crossed. The bucket hat resting on his head. He's dead serious.

"Does he know?" He interrogates with that deep voice of his. It's only been an hour since the incident. Price had to do all in his power to keep Ghost busy. It nearly costs him a limb and a punch to his face. There's only so much he can do.

"No." You murmur, looking down to your feet.

"Jesus, kid." He pinches the bridge of his nose. His head was pounding already. This wasn't good. For any of them. John had decided to turn a blind eye on the situation. As long as it didn't interfere with their duties. Now? He shakes his head. Price walks towards you, the youngest of his team and a valuable asset. You were important to him, to everyone in the 141; to Simon in a very different way. "I'm putting you on medical leave. You must take care of your health, your body. I'll see what I can do, yeah? And for the love of God, talk to Simon."

-

You don't.

And that's because you're terrified. As soon as you left Price's office you ran to your room throwing your belongings in a duffel bag. You needed time to think. Of course you'd tell Simon.

Just not right now.

The disapproving stare of the doctor was enough to make you feel bad about hiding your pregnancy from him and then your Captain. You bite your lip and head out, the taxi driver is waiting already so you hop in, wishing to get some time alone. Clear your head and then find the best way to tell Simon about this.

It's raining outside by the time you're in your apartment. You've had time to get a quick shower and take the ibuprofen for your sore body. Your hands run absentmindedly to your stomach, soothing the skin but flinching when you press too hard. You should've stayed at base and talk to him after what happened.

But you're scared of the outcome.

By this time Simon must've found out you're gone. You won't blame him if he hates you. After all you ran away from him, like a coward.

Pouring some tea on a mug you hear the sound of keys jingle, and the footsteps followed by a large shadow that towers above you. Blond hair and hard eyes contemplating you, the mask is gone...

Holy shit. You think.

The only thing that Simon finds comfort in is gone. There's something about him not hiding behind the balaclava that sets deep in your heart. As if he were baring himself to you. Not that you hadn't seen his face before; that's exactly why this is more meaningful. It's serious. He chose to show you how vulnerable you can make him.

"Why?" His stern voice sends shivers down your spine. "I went to check on you and the first thing they say is that you're gone." His lips are pressed in a thin line.

"Simon, it's not what you're thinking..."

"Then bloody tell me what is it." He seethes, taking a step closer. "Was already losing my fucking mind over that bastard hitting you and suddenly you're gone?" He shakes his head. "Had I known you weren't going to fight back..."

"I'm pregnant." You blurt out, interrupting his talk. Simon's jaw clenched, halting and freezing on his spot. "And I'm sorry I didn't come to you as soon as I found out but I was scared." Your lips quiver and you hold back a sob, but unable to do much about the tears. "I was scared to tell you because I know you never wanted any of this, I failed to you. I couldn't sleep, I was panicking and the thought of losing you... I needed time to figure out how to tell you." Simon is silent, he doesn't move nor blinks. He just stares. Memories of his time with his father flooding his mind. He never wanted kids. That's true.

Seeing you there, in front of him. Choking on your words, crying because you thought he'd abandon you like you were nothing? Bloody fucking Christ it breaks his heart. Very few things had that effect on Simon. He had made you fearful of facing this on your own. Did you think you were just his friend with benefits? Someone he'd come to whenever he wanted to get laid? Hadn't you seen the way his eyes roamed over you whenever you were around? Never fucking heard the despair in his voice when you got shot during that black ops in Afghanistan? How he seemed to loom over your presence if some pathetic muppet tried flirting with you? The nights spent in his bedroom, limbs tangled hearing you speak about your day? The mission when he finally realized he was completely and utterly fucking enamored with you?

That time he wouldn't leave your bedside because you were severely wounded and comatose?

"I am not my old man, kid." He states after a few minutes of silence. "And if it wasn't clear already, I'd do anything for you. I don't know shite about being a parent but I'll try, yeah? For you..." he clears his throat. This was as complicated for him as it was for you. "For both of you, I'll try." The words sound strange coming out of his mouth. You close the space between you and hug him, inhaling his scent. He kisses your temple while rubbing soft circles on your back. Relief washes over your body and the tears stop gradually, until it's just the two holding one another during a raging storm of feelings and nature outside.

Soon the tension, the doubts and the anxiety are replaced with reassurance and loving words.

Promises.

Things you never thought you'd hear.

[daphwritesworld]

Chapter 5— How Could U Love Somebody Like Me.

a/n: we finally find out who mysteriously girl is and what happened in barca. now it’s just time for Leah to find out…and lord knows how that hot head will take it 😅

content: Top!Leah, Bottom!Reader, impact play, fingering (both receiving technically), nipple sucking, Jealous!Leah, mutual masturbation, orgasm denial, squirting, some bratty!reader just like once or twice,

warnings: public sex…like y'all get caught in 4k HD. hide the mother fuckin cameras !! walked in on while fucking oops, locker room sex, dom & sub relationship

synopsis: Leah's been giving you the silent treatment, so you recruit Keira for help.

word count: 5.0k

Series Masterlist: here.

!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!

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It’s been a whole week since you’ve last spoken to Leah. She's been avoiding you like the plague ever since the incident. Alessia let you stay with her for a few days until you felt well enough to go back to your own home. She didn't push you for any details, but you could tell she had a million questions. You appreciate her for keeping them to herself while in your presence. Practice has been awkward, especially with everyone’s whispers behind your back. It's all becoming a little too familiar in the worst way possible. Keira has been an angel in disguise during all this. She might be Leah’s best mate, but you two have a special bond that you cultivated while at Barca. She understands why you act the way you do– she might not like it or agree with it, but she does understand. She doesn’t judge you, but she also lets you know how much you’ve hurt Leah…and that was never your intention.

She won’t even look at you. So now you find that you're one with your gaze fixated on her, and begging for just a glance in your direction. For the past three days you’ve studied her from the sidelines. She hasn’t smiled once since your arrival back, not even a crack of a grin. Her face has stayed stuck in a frown and twisted up in vexation. It feels like a fifty pound weight sitting on your chest, and you aren’t sure how to fix it. You know you have to apologize and explain everything to her, but you haven’t even accepted it yourself. How can you explain something you refuse to process?

“You want to stop for a coffee? I know you didn’t sleep much last night,” Keira snaps you out of your reeling mind. It's not that you're glad she got hurt, but she wouldn't be here if she hadn't. You know it's only till Barca gets here to play, and then she'll be back to Spain with the team. But you're still grateful for the next few days you get to spent together— even if that means you'll eventually have to face her at the game…and you know you can't do that alone.

“Uh yeah. I could use a pick me up this morning, thanks Kei.” You look at her and give a little half smile. It’s gone just as fast as it appears though, “Can we talk about something?”

“Of course, y/n. You know I'm always here for you…even when you’re being stubborn and pushing me away,” she ends it with a small laugh. “Especially then, actually.”

You start to pick at your fingers. It's an old bad habit you've picked up from when you're stressed. You find that you've lost all your confidence as your voice comes out as softer than intended, "Did you know?"

"Did I know what?" Keira's face scrunches up in genuine confusion at the question. You take a deep breath as you try to steady your heart beat and fight the constricting feeling in your throat, "About Alexia…"

The silence that ensues fills the car like a toxic gas, sucking all the air out of your lungs. You can't stop the tears from filling your waterline now, and the blurring of your vision confirms that. Suddenly the busy city life outside the window becomes your soul focus. It's not until Keira pulls into the parking lot of the cafe that you realize your lungs are burning from their lack of fresh air. "Hey— breathe! Breathe, y/n. It's okay, you're okay," She's throwing her seat belt off and turning you towards her in no time. "That's it. Take a deep breath, there you go."

She's got one hand on your shoulder and the other one locked inside your grip. She lets you squeeze it as hard as you need, anything to get you to ground yourself. After a few guided breaths you can blink the blurriness from your vision. It takes a few more to calm you down enough to speak. The midfielder feels her heart break a little from the pure brokenness of your next words, "Did you know, Keira?"

"So that's who you were seeing, huh?" Keira finds herself being the one to take a deep breath before she grabs both of your hands in hers. "Why didn't you just tell me, y/n?"

"Because I knew you would've told me it was a bad idea," a single tear ran down your face as your voice cracks, "and I didn't want you to be right."

Keira wipes the tear from your cheek before she pulls you into a hug. "Oh darling, come here."

You let your pent up sorrows finally leak out of you, and Keira is there to hold you together as you do. You stay like that for a few minutes until your loud sobs turn into sniffles. Just as she thinks you might've fallen asleep in her arms, she hears your horse voice start speaking again. "Everyone could tell she wasn't over Jenni, but I let my heart get in the way. She told me from the start it was casual, but it didn't feel that way. Especially not near the end. Just friends didn't do the things that we did or said, but she couldn't admit that…" A disgruntled sigh leaves your lips, "Or maybe I just couldn't accept that I was a placeholder to her. I saw the world in her, but she saw me as reminder of who she lost…who she really wanted beside her. I think I always knew that deep down, but I uh..I thought she could learn to love me overtime I guess. It's not her fault. I played myself, and I couldn't handle the fallout…so I pushed you away, and I ran out like a coward because I was too embarrassed to face the judgment from everyone else. I'll never be able to apologize enough for that."

A new wave of tears start rising up to your eyes, "And I never meant to hurt Leah in all this. I know you've been here for me, but she's your best friend. I know you probably want to smack me a few good times, and you totally can! I just want to fix things with her, but I don't know how. I'm not ready for a relationship yet— not by any means…but I miss her, Kei. I miss being her friend."

"Well, I can promise that she misses you, too. Step one to getting Leah to accept an apology is getting her a gift, then follow that up with some ass kissing, and after you've completed those steps we'll discuss the next ones." You can tell there's something she's holding back. It's written all over have face.

"Out with it, Walsh! Be mean if you have to— I told you that you can hit me," Keira can't help but roll her eyes with your dramatics.

"Good God— I'm not going to hit you, y/n!" She lets an exasperated breath slip out of frustration. "I just don't think there's ever been a time when you and Leah have been just friends." You go to cut her off, but she presses a finger to your lips— silencing you like a mother does her child. "Deny it all you want, but I know the truth. I never suspected you and Alexia from a mile away, but you and Leah? You can't fake that kind of connection, and you can't let it get away from you either. So stop letting yourself sabotage it like a complete wazzock! Both of you are so stubborn and stuck in your own ways! It's bloody maddening! We are going inside this cafe to get us some coffee, and you will get Leah's tea order for her. She'll probably still be a jerk even after you give it to her, but that's when you start the ass kissing part of the plan. Got it?"

She finally allows you to speak as she pulls her hand back,"Got it, Mum."

Keira lets out a defeated sigh as you guys exit her car. You can't be serious just this once, can you? Nope. Always have to deflect with humor when you're faced with the truth. At this point she just hopes you two can make up so she can get some sleep. Leah talks nonstop about you every. single. night. It's impacting her sanity at this point. She NEEDS you to beg Leah for forgiveness or she just might snap. She doesn't even need you two to start dating…just make the fuck up. This is just as much for herself as it is for you. A mutually beneficial plan.

—

"Have a nice day and good luck with Leah!" Keira calls out the window.

You laugh before turning your head around, "Thanks Mum, I'll make sure to stick to the plan!" And then you're off to head into the building. Thank god Keira picked you up so early, because it looks like only one other car is here…and that just so happens to be the blonde defender's Audi.

The beating of your heart accelerates with every step you take, and it rises till it drowns out your hearing. Just a steady thump. thump. thump. thumping that has you worried you might pass out. You're trying to think of what to say to her, but your mind is completely blanking. As you see the door of the changing room you are 85% sure you might throw up as soon as you see her. So you take a few seconds to calm yourself down, remembering Keira's words as you close your eyes and take deep breaths like earlier. When you reopen them you bite the bullet and walk in, and for the first time in a week…she looks at you.

It feels like your heart stops in your chest, and the words on your tongue suddenly get trapped inside your throat. Your eyes search hers, and then your mouth is moving before your brain can catch up. "You look like you haven't been getting much sleep."

She doesn't scoff or turn away like you expect. Her eyes just soften a bit as she speaks, "I can say the same for you, y/l/n."

Ouch. Still on a last name basis? To be fair you haven't even gotten to step one of the plan yet, so let's allow room for some grace.

"I got you a tea!" You blurt it out like an idiot, jutting your hand out towards her with a blush dusting across your cheeks.

"You sure it's not for Russo? I mean, we're both blonde and apparently just your typ—" you cut her off with a kiss.

She freezes at first, and that makes you panic. You go to pull away as you start apologizing, "I-I'm sorry, Le—" but it's her that cuts you off this time. She kisses you with more force behind it, her hands searching out for your middle. But they stop just as she's about to touch you, hovering her hands as she pulls away to look you in the eyes. "Do you think you deserve for me to touch you?"

You can feel the heat radiating off of her body. A frown etches its way onto your face as you bite your lip, "No…but I can earn it."

Leah takes the cup from your hand as she sets it on the bench behind her, quickly turning her attention back to you. She decides to take a seat on the opposite end, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she does. "Come here," she licks her lips after she says it. You walk in front of her, leaving some space until she tells you what to do next. That must be the wrong move though, because then she's reaching out and pulling you to stand between her thighs. "Now get on your knees."

You swallow the lump in your throat as you follow her instructions, setting your knees on the cold floor as you stare up at her. She lets one of her hands rest on your cheek, "Open your mouth, y/l/n."

When you follow her orders, she shoves her index & middle fingers into your mouth. I mean Keira did say you'd have to kiss ass, and if this is what she meant? Oh you'd do it all day long. You gag at first, tears gathering as you try and relax your throat around her digits. She doesn't let you get used to the feeling, removing them after about 30 seconds. You don't expect what she does next though. Leah slides her own hand down her shorts, using your spit as lube for herself. She bites her lip as she starts rubbing circles into her clit, watching you squirm as the reality of the situation starts to settle in. You stay locked in a state of shock until she slips her fingers inside her pussy, moaning out a mix of curses and your name. You start to lay kisses on her inner thighs, but you're quickly stopped by her free hand gripping your hair. "You touch me again without permission, and I'll leave you here like this. Wet, untouched, and unsatisfied. So sit there and watch like a good girl. Prove to me how sorry you are."

"Yes ma'am," the grip on your hair gets tighter, and a small smirk flashes across your face from the action.You make sure to stay on your best behavior after that. Even going as far to sit your hands on top of your thighs so you aren't tempted to disobey. She looks absolutely stunning like this. Her chest starts to heave up and down as her fingers speed up inside her shorts, and her sounds of pleasure echo off the walls around you. "Take your shorts off," she says it breathlessly.

You hesitate a little, head snapping over to the door as your fingers linger on your waistband. "I won't ask you again, y/n." You look back at Leah,"Take. Your. Shorts. Off." She exaggerates with a tug to your scalp after every word, sending jolts of electricity flying through your body. Your hands finally start shoving the useless piece of fabric down your hips and you let them pool around your ankles. "Nuh uh— all the way off," Leah rasps out above you.

Your cheeks turn a dark shade of red as you kick them off and wait for her further instructions. Your heart is speeding back up now, endless possibles about what's to come flashing through your mind. "Spread your legs," she moans unexpectedly at the sight. The wet spot on your cotton panties is what gets to her first, but soon enough she's groaning out at the little pretty pink bow that rests at the top of them. You always know just how to get her going, and wearing those? Bold choice. Truth be told you left your flat with a purpose this morning. Leah was going to see you wearing these one way or another. If she wouldn't forgive you here, then you were more than ready to send her a desperate video of you trying to get off in them later tonight.

You forgot about her hand in your hair until you're being yanked forward. "Who the fuck are you wearing these for, huh?"

You can't help the smile that slides onto your lips, "You didn't really think I only showed up with one gift to apologize, did you?"

The look in her eyes is almost unreadable, but you can recognize hunger buried somewhere in her intense gaze. "Slide 'em to the side and start riding your fingers for me," and it isn't a suggestion. The demand radiating off of her voice is what coaxes you to comply so fast. You readjust yourself to sit back on your knees, but this time your legs are spread out enough to give her a show. You let one of your hands run down your body, moving the soaked piece of cotton to the side. You're so wet that Leah can see your pussy glistening from the way it reflects off the lights. She bites her lip as a loud moan escapes her, muffling it a bit as her hips start to grind into her thrusts. "Don't be shy— ride em just like you did before," she says it with a knowing smile flashing across her lips.

You somehow blush even harder, the memory invading your mind as you look away from the girl in front of you. She'd had you like this only one time before— in Ibiza. It was on the fourth night, Leah had thought you were flirting with the waitress. So she'd made you ride your fingers and a dildo on the floor in front of the bed. She had been perched on top of the sheets with a wand vibrator attached to her clit, and an endless amount of orgasms. She of course had denied you the whole time, only granting your throbbing pussy to cum with her tongue buried inside of you.

It's only when you snap out of your foggy haze that you sink down onto your fingers. She gives a soft tug on your roots this time, instructing your eyes back towards her. "You look away one more time and I'll leave you tied up like this for the whole team to find. All pretty and dressed in some frilly little underwear— all for your Captain," you can't tell if she's just teasing you or not…but is it bad that it kind of turns you on just as much as it terrifies you?

You take that as a sign to start riding your fingers faster, and the sweet sounds of your pleasure mixing together fills up the room. Leah's thighs are shaking at this point, her eyes locked onto the sparkling of wetness covering your fingers and running down your wrist. It's mesmerizing to her. The way your body literally leaks for her, crying out for her touch in a beautifully messy way. Leah curls her fingers just right, a wave of heat crashing inside of her stomach. It's all becoming too much for her. It's been a whole week of her trying to ice you out, and make you feel a little bit of the pain you caused her. Is that healthy? No. Do either of you really care? Not even a smidge.

'M'sorry! I'll be good, Le. I promise," you moan it out as your cunt clenches down on your own fingers. You keep your eyes trained on hers, and the telltale signs of her orgasm are present on her face. "I wish it was your fingers inside me instead. Yours are so much longer and thicker," her pace starts to get erratic as you keep speaking. "I can't stretch my pussy like you can— no one can." And that's all it takes for her back to cum and the sexiest groans to tumble from her lips. She tugs on your hair so hard it keeps you locked into place. So close, yet you can't see anything. This is like torture. But still, the sight has a new gush of wetness leaking out of your cunt and dripping onto the floor below you. Leah fucks herself through the aftershocks of her orgasm, letting her breathing return to a normal rate as she keeps watching your movements.

She licks her lips before she speaks again, "If you can make yourself cum like that, then I'll fuck you before the girls get here."

"B-but I can't! I need you to do it for me," it comes out as a pouty whine. The burning in your legs isn't even that bad, but you just want her to touch you already.

She laughs before releasing your hair as she stands up, going back to changing. "Then I guess we're done here. If you can't prove how sorry you are," she bends down as she slides her shirt off. A hand comes up to pinch your cheeks together and bring your face closer to hers, "Then you don't deserve to cum at all," her grip tightens as she speaks, "So take your fingers out and get dressed, or shut up and give me a show."

You whimper out at the aggressiveness in her tone. There is no way you are backing down now. You are determined to earn her forgiveness, even if it means your legs will feel like jello for two days afterwards. So you bite your lip as you start grinding down onto your wrist, sinking your fingers deeper as you use more of your body weight to drop down onto the thrusts. Leah must take some pity on you, because after a while she starts rubbing your nipples through your shirt. It's the added stimulation you didn't know you needed.

Within seconds you're leaking even more sweet noises from your mouth, a newfound energy cursing through your veins as you chase after your own orgasm. "Good girl, darling."

It's those three words from Leah that sends you over the edge, your legs shaking as they give out underneath you. She can't still be thaaat mad if she's dropped the last name only rule. She catches you as you fall forward, helping you regain your balance as you stand back up fully. She lets you lean against her as you regather your bearings. One of her hands comes up to rub soft patterns into your back. The comfortable silence doesn't last long though, "I hope you know I'm still mad you missed our date on Thursday,"

"Oh my god!" You shove her away with a playful smile on your lips, " It was not a date, Leah! See this is exactly how we ended—" she cuts you off with a kiss once again. Silencing any and all complaints you may of had on your tongue. She's the first to pull away, but she barely moves back. You can still feel her breath dancing across your lips as yours catches in your throat. "You might not be my girlfriend, but you're still mine." She backs you up until she's guiding you into the showers, a blur of hands stripping you both with every step you take. Her hands run across your naked abdomen as she cages you onto the shower wall. "Mine to touch, mine to kiss, and mine to fuck." One of her hands moves to turn the water on, and she makes sure it doesn't touch you at first. You are the words biggest baby when it comes to water temperature. If it's not hot enough to boil you alive, then you'll whine and cry about how it's 'too cold'.

A mischievous look crosses your features just as Leah brings her face back down close to yours. "Then prove it," you use her words back against her. That causes her to smash her lips to yours, her nails digging into your hips as she pulls you closer against her body. The kiss is brutal; full of tongue and teeth as she gropes the most sensitive parts of your body. You get so lost in the feeling of her lips that you swear the rest of the world drowns out. You let out a yelp of surprise when she flips you around all of a sudden. The cold tiles pressing against your nipples has a shiver running through your body, even more slick collecting between your thighs. Leah presses some kisses to the back of your shoulder, leaving little bites every time she pulls away to give you a new one.

One of her hands slides down from the back of your neck all the way down to your ass, and she lands a heavy slap there. It causes you to jolt against the wall, your face squishing as you do so. She rubs softy to soothe the skin after, "Did you touch yourself?"

"No ma'am," you answer her truthfully. And before you can process it, she's landing another spank onto your other cheek. The loud smack getting muffled by the water.

"Does she make you cum like I do?" You crane your neck to look at her, confusion settling into your features. There's a feral look overtaking hers. She doesn't even give you time to respond before she's slapping your ass again.

You jolt once more, a small moan slipping past your lips from the impact. "W-what? Who are you even talking about, Le?"

"Oh," Leah scoffs. "Don't play dumb with me, y/n." Another spank is landed upon your ass. "Did you let Russo touch you?"

You can't help the laugh that escapes your mouth in that moment, and you also can't help but to tease her as well. "And what if I did?"

Next thing you know your face is being smushed into the tiled wall in front of you. One of her hands is keeping you pinned there while the other slides down to your ass again. She leaves two more slaps— one for each cheek. And then her hand disappears in between your legs. Leah rubs them through your folds a few times before she slips two of her fingers inside you. You gasp out at the feeling, arching your back as she starts a rough pace from the start. "Then I'll just have to remind you who you belong to, darling." She bites your earlobe as she says it, pulling it with her as she lets her lips fall back down to your neck.

You moan out at her words, your pussy clenching around her fingers. "I can feel her sucking me in, baby. Like she's begging for me to ruin her." And you know she isn't talking to you. Oh no. She's talking to your cunt.

She picks her pace up now, your ass jiggling every time her wrist connects with it. She's thrusting her fingers in all the right places, curling them at just the right time, and most of all…They fill you up so fucking good. No one knows how to use their fingers better than Leah. She mastered the art of finger fucking like her life depends on it. A skill nonetheless— and one that you very much appreciate.

"Who's the only person who can fuck you this good?"

"You!"

She pulls out and lands a spank to your ass before running her fingers through your folds, avoiding your sensitive clit at all costs.

 Her voice comes out a little rougher than before, "What's my fucking name?"

"Leah!" You chant it like it's a prayer. Her name the only thing slipping from your lips as she shoves her fingers back inside you, adding a third one to the mix. It has your mind spinning and your thighs drenching from the debauchery taking place. She's turning your brain off with the pleasure, her hand on your back sliding around your front as she starts rubbing at your clit. Her breasts press against your back now, the new angle awarding you both with a sudden wave of pleasure flashing through you. Your legs start to shake and just as you're about to cum….she's pulling out. Your eyes immediately fill with tears and your mouth drops open to beg her for forgiveness. Hell you can stand the silent treatment, but you can't handle this. Orgasm denial should be classified as a type of torture when it's coming from Leah.

"Don't be a brat!" She chastises you as she turns you around, a hand coming up to brush some hair from your face. "I just wanna be looking at your face when I finally make you cum. Too beautiful to not fuck you from the front."

Your hands come up and land a light slap to her shoulder, a blush crossing your cheeks from her boldness. "Leah!"

she smirks at you as she leads you under the now hot water, her hands searching across your body as her lips find your nipples. You arch into her mouth, your hands tangling into her hair as you let the water add to the sensations. It just fuels the fire already roaring in your belly, burning and screaming to be let out. "Please Le! Lemme prove how much I've missed you," you take her hand into yours. Leading it down to your pussy, "How much we've both missed you."

She doesn't waste time— smashing your lips together as she slides the same three fingers back inside of you. It's like her body is made for yours and vice versa. The perfect puzzle pieces that always match up. She takes one of her legs and spreads yours a little more, causing them to shake once again as her pace increases. You start to wobble a little bit, but Leah's quick to wrap her empty hand around your middle to keep you upright. "I've gotcha, love. Just stand there and take it like a good girl."

You nod your head as best as you can, words all but lost to you in this state. It ends with you biting your lip trying to keep your sounds to a minimum. Even if the girls aren't here yet, you're sure some of the staff is here by this point…and you really don't need them to know what you sound like when you cum. These thoughts must be evading Leah though, because she's growling at you when she notices. "Let me fucking hear you," the fingers on your clit return now. Adding much needed stimulation to your poor neglected bundle of nerves. It doesn't take long for that knot in your stomach to build back up again. You can't help the way your eyes close this time, praying she doesn't stop because of it. But you always get a little disoriented when you haven't cum in a while, plus Leah's a little distracted by something else right now.

"Oh look, babe. We've got an audience," you can hear Leah's smirk as she says it.

Your eyes snap right back open at the words, scanning your surroundings as your hazy mind tries to make sense of this situation. It couldn't have been worse timing though…because you squirt all over Leah's hands just as you lock eyes with a shell shocked Alessia. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as high pitched whines ring throughout the air. Leah just fucks you through your orgasm, little spurts of liquid dripping down her wrist still. And Alessia is getting a front row view to all of this….

Oh. Fuck.

[writesvani]

coming down | 01

collegestudent! gojo x collegestudent! reader

SUMMARY: You and Gojo Satoru were once everything to each other, but now, the space between you is filled with nothing but silence and resentment. College is just a reminder of how far you’ve drifted apart, and every encounter only adds fuel to the fire.

You avoid him like the plague, but it doesn’t matter. You can still feel him in the shadows, always there, always watching, as if the past was never really gone. So what do you do? You (try to) keep your distance, pretending it’s easy to forget the history that’s weighed you down for so long.

But deep down, neither of you can let go. And as the tension between you grows, you’re forced to confront the truth: some things are never truly buried, no matter how hard you try.

best friends-to-friends with benefits-to-enemies-to-enemies with benefits-to?

TWs (for this chapter): emotional distress and anxiety, body image issues and weight-related comments, mentions of food, dieting, and restriction, verbal abuse and manipulation, self-harm ideation, substance use and abuse references, mental health struggles (depression, anxiety, insecurity), intimate situations and explicit language, abandonment and neglect, self-deprecation and feelings of worthlessness, bullying or being belittled

comment here for Coming Down taglist;

SERIES M.LIST

— previous chapter / next chapter

wc: 4,7k // date: 5th of March 2025

CHAPTER ONE - The Morning; proceed with caution...

AN: okay, first of all, let’s talk about ren. he's liteeerally the only reason i'm posting this chapter earlier. REN. If you didn’t fall in love with him in this chapter, then honestly, i don’t know what to tell you because he’s an absolute gem. like i’m literally obsessed with him. he’s my favorite character HANDS DOWN. i’m talking top-tier, i would throw myself in front of a speeding bus for him if i had to. i mean, he’s got the charm, the humor, the flawless sense of timing. he’s a walking chaos machine and i’m here for it. can we please get a round of applause for ren? seriously, he’s out here living his best life, making questionable decisions, and somehow being the best friend anyone could ask for.

this chapter? oh yeah, it’s the introduction to the story, the one that sets everything on fire (in a good way, don’t worry). we’re finally giving you the ren experience in full force because he’s that important. his energy? unparalleled. his bad decisions? iconic. his ability to get people into ridiculous situations? absolutely legendary. and don’t even get me started on how much i’m loving writing for him. i know you can’t tell, but i’m literally typing this while holding back tears of joy. like, this man could ask me to jump off a cliff and i’d probably do it because i’m just so in love with his chaotic little soul.

stay tuned for more chaos, more fun, and more ren being ren.

love, [@writesvani] (ren's #1 fan)

No one ever told you opening your eyes while fighting a horrible hangover would be this hard—well, they did, and you’ve experienced it millions of times—but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Fluttering your eyelashes, your eyes barely open as a blurry flash of sunlight enters your narrow line of vision.

Ugh.

Why did you drink so much last night? You don’t even know.

Never drinking again.

Noted.

Lying to yourself won’t make the situation any easier.

Noted as well.

Hardly awake, you shift, trying to lift yourself up to sit—except your bed isn’t yours at all.

And this isn’t your room.

Or your apartment.

Your head throbs as you blink away the lingering fog in your vision, forcing yourself to take in your surroundings.

A small studio apartment. Cramped, slightly chaotic, and definitely unfamiliarly familiar.

The sofa beneath you is worn, the cushions flattened from years of use. Next to it, a tiny coffee table is cluttered with splattered magazines and old computer science textbooks, their spines cracked and bruised from relentless study sessions. Among the mess, a dirty ashtray overflows, its stale scent clinging to the air.

Gross.

A ginger-scented candle sits beside it—maybe an attempt to neutralize the overwhelming stench of smoke, though it clearly isn’t doing its job.

Your eyes drift further, landing on the tiny kitchen area. Greasy, dimly lit, its sink overflowing with dishes that look like they’ve been abandoned for days. The counters are barely visible beneath the chaos of unwashed mugs, instant ramen cups, and a suspiciously sticky bottle of what you assume was once honey.

Unease coils in your stomach.

Where the fuck are you?

Your fingers clutch the blanket draped over you, a thin, soft thing that smells like cheap detergent and cigarette smoke.

And then—

Relief floods through you like a tidal wave, so strong it almost makes you dizzy.

Oh.

Thank God.

Thank God you ended up here.

“So my worst best friend is finally up! What a lovely surprise!”

A voice—far too loud for this hour, far too cheerful for your current state—pulls you from the lingering haze of sleep.

You groan, pressing your palms into your temples as if that could somehow will away the pounding headache splitting your skull. “Please, for the love of God, let me enjoy my peace and quiet for five minutes before coming in with your unnecessary comments.”

A dramatic gasp. Then, “Okay, bitch. Rude. I understand you’re hungover, but please just be civilized for a second there. You don’t have to throw your defensive mechanism in—I didn’t even start my lecture yet.”

You crack open one eye just to glare. “Cut the crap, Ren. I’m not really in the mood right now.”

Ren smirks, crossing his arms as he leans against the kitchen counter. “Oh babe, if I were into women, I’d already have gotten you in it.”

Your lips twitch despite the throbbing in your skull. Because no matter how much you despise him in this exact moment—for being loud, for being happy, for simply existing when all you want is to die a slow, miserable, post-hangover death—a wave of relief crashes over you.

You’re safe.

Safe from last night. Safe with him.

You’ve known Ren for ages. Just to be more precise, since you were eleven. He’s your other half, your soulmate in a way that has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with the fact that, if it weren’t for his overwhelming love for ass and balls and dicks/men, the two of you would already be married.

It’s a thought you’ve had more than once. A parallel universe, maybe. One where you’d be an old married couple on some tropical island, far away from the bullshit of everyday life. Where you’d smoke weed all day and piss him off, and he’d play The Sims 4 all night and piss you off right back—screaming at his Sim for cheating on their husband with some new guy, courtesy of Wicked Whims.

But that’s not this universe.

This one’s a little messier.

This one’s full of questionable life choices, painfully slow mornings, and an unspoken pact:

If neither of you find an unrespectably hot, respectable man by the time you’re 35—

The wedding’s on.

“How the fuck did I end up here?”

Your voice is raw, thick with exhaustion and regret. The world tilts as you sit up, and for a brief moment, you genuinely consider throwing yourself right back into unconsciousness.

Ren, ever the dramatic one, sighs as if this isn’t the millionth time you’ve asked him that exact question. “What do you think?”

You blink at him. “First of all, don’t answer my question with another question. Second of all, IF I FUCKING KNEW, I WOULDN’T BE ASKING.”

Ren groans, tossing his hands into the air like a cartoon character about to launch into a monologue. “Okay, calm your pretty ass down, missy. You were too wasted. Or high. Or probably both. And you got a cab to my place. Probably the only address you could remember, considering we all know you can’t remember your own after one shot.”

His words are a jumble in your aching brain, but the general gist is clear: you fucked up. Again.

You huff, crossing your arms, but the sudden movement sends a sharp pain straight to your skull.

Yup.

Yup.

Never drinking again.

“Oh, Rennie,” you mumble, pulling his blanket over your head and collapsing onto the silky mattress. “I don’t think I’m ever going to drink again.”

Ouch. Bad decision. Pain again.

You’re dizzy, disoriented, sinking into the pillowcase you got him for his twenty-second birthday—the one he pretended not to like but still uses anyway.

Ren sighs. Not annoyed, not even surprised. Just—accepting. Because this isn’t the first time you’ve stumbled into his apartment, destroyed beyond reason, unable to string together a coherent sentence.

You feel bad. You always do. But you can’t help it.

Ren is the last remaining fragment of the old you, the one you buried deep in the back of your mind, the one you so desperately tried to forget. But he’s Ren, and he’s been your Ren since you were eleven.

And you hate it—hate that you keep dragging him into your mess, ruining his perfectly fine days with your self-inflicted chaos. But for some unfathomable reason, Ren still loves you.

He loved you at your best.

He loved you at your worst.

And somehow, he still loves you in whatever the fuck this is.

“It’s okay, babe. I know you’re lying.”

Ren’s voice is steady, soft, almost knowing. He doesn’t call you out with anger or frustration—just that damn patience of his, the kind that makes your chest tighten and your throat burn.

“C’mon, don’t go all crocodile tears and fake regrets on me now,” he continues, settling down next to you. “You know there’s always a safe space for you here.”

His hand finds your cheek, his thumb tracing slow, soothing circles against your skin. His touch is light, barely there, but it still feels like an anchor. You lean into it instinctively, your head still pulsing with the aftermath of last night’s recklessness. Yet somehow, his presence dulls the ache, lulling your discomfort into something almost bearable.

Ren always had that effect on you.

“Now, now,” he hums, voice teasing but gentle. “Tell me what got you so worked up that you drank like a dog let off a leash last night.”

You tense, but before you can even think of an excuse, he sighs.

“Sorry for not coming, by the way,” he murmurs. “But you already know how I feel about Yumi and all your other friends.”

And just like that, if you thought you couldn’t possibly feel worse, Ren effortlessly proves you wrong.

Because the only person you actually wanted to spend time with on your birthday wasn’t there—and it’s all because of you.

Ren doesn’t like them. It’s as simple as that.

He doesn’t like your friends, your environment, or the people you surround yourself with. He thinks they’re a bunch of problematic teens trapped in grown-up bodies, incapable of making rational decisions. They seek validation from whatever reckless or idiotic thing they did just to be considered “cool enough” on campus.

And maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s exactly what they are.

Ren isn’t shy about speaking his truth, especially when it comes to them. And you’re used to it by now. Hell, you wouldn’t want him to lie, to pretend like everything’s fine when it’s clearly not. It’d be too toxic for your best friend to step out of his comfort zone just to match your lifestyle, to accommodate what you think you want.

He doesn’t need to.

Ren has been the only constant, the only good thing in your life for the past few years. And, in a way, that’s enough.

"It's okay, lovie. We’ll be together today," you murmur, your voice quieter than usual. "I tried to bail on the party, but you know Yumi—she just wouldn’t budge."

You shift, mind working at lightning speed, lips parting and closing as you try to piece together the mess of last night. It’s all a bit blurry, details slipping through the cracks of your memory like sand through your fingers. But one thing stands out.

Gojo called you cheap.

The words flash in your mind like a neon sign, burning hot, humiliating, cutting deeper than you’d ever admit. And, of course, you being you, there was no way you’d just walk away, let him have the last word like that. No, you had to strike back.

So you did.

In front of Geto, the guy you’d actually wanted to take home, you called Gojo out. Laid it all bare. Exposed your past, your messy, embarrassing, mistake-ridden history with him. Let the words roll off your tongue like venom, staining the air of Nanami’s pristine beige living room.

The degradation of admitting you’d once fucked the beautiful, white-eyed demon was almost unbearable. Almost. Because underneath that shame, there was something else—something undeniably satisfying about the way Gojo’s face drained of color.

Ha. Should’ve taken a picture.

The man was sweating.

But, of course, that satisfaction was short-lived. The moment passed, leaving behind nothing but a thick, awkward silence that hung in the air like a bad smell.

Mood? Ruined.

Horny? Not anymore.

Gojo? Pissed.

Geto? Not having it.

And honestly, you couldn’t even blame him. Who the hell would still be in the mood after witnessing an argument that never should’ve happened in the first place?

Gojo left quickly, tossing a sharp, “This isn’t over” over his shoulder before disappearing.

And Geto?

He just sat there, staring at you, dumbfounded.

So, as any sane person would do, you decided to self-destruct with tequila and dance to the INNA Party Mix some random guy snuck into the playlist while no one was looking.

Gojo’s words didn’t touch you. Not even a little bit. And losing your dick of the night? Whatever. Hot guys were everywhere. Besides, it was probably for the best—you really didn’t need the extra drama of Geto’s girlfriend finding out about whatever almost happened.

So that’s probably how you ended up at Ren’s place.

Even though you have zero recollection of getting here in the first place.

“So it wasn’t just weed and shots,” Ren squeezes your hand, his voice softer now. “It was Gojo.”

Your throat tightens. No. It wasn’t Gojo. Of course, it wasn’t Gojo. You just wanted to let loose, enjoy the night, without anyone ruining it for you. Right?

Right?

“Who cares about that assface? I just wanted to get drunk and high, simple as that.”

“Okay, okay,” Ren lifts his hands in surrender. “I won’t mention it again. Promise on Charli XCX.” He nods toward the poster on his wall, and for the first time since waking up, a laugh escapes your lips.

His eyes light up at the sound, and in that moment, you swear you love him even more.

Because Ren never pushes. He never pressures you to explain yourself or dissect your feelings. He just lets you be.

And you love him for that.

What you don’t love is the flicker of knowing in his gaze—the way he reads you like an open book. Not many people ever managed to do that.

But it doesn’t matter. Because Ren never says it out loud.

It’s different with him.

Sometimes you wonder if things would be easier if you could have this kind of connection with anyone else. But then again, if you did, maybe what you have with Ren wouldn’t feel so rare and fragile and beautiful.

“Swear on BRAT,” you say, extending your pinky.

“I swear on BRAT,” he echoes, linking his pinky with yours.

And just like that, Gojo isn’t mentioned again.

Or last night.

Or Yumi.

Or Nanami’s obscenely expensive house.

"C'mon, babe. Let's go get some breakfast."

Ren tugs you out of bed, dragging you into the world of the living, and just like that, you’re not a mess anymore. It’s stupid how easily he does that—how he makes you feel a little less like a disaster with nothing but his presence. And maybe, just maybe, you love him a little more than you did mere seconds ago.

The place Ren takes you to is… odd.

Some kind of coffee shop-slash-restaurant-in-the-making. It’s close to his apartment, but it’s way too edgy to be a normal breakfast spot. But hey—a free meal is a free meal, and who are you to complain when he offered to treat you?

Okay, maybe you’re exaggerating a little. It’s not that edgy. Just… offbeat.

It’s called Radio, and by some wonderfully bizarre twist, the entire place is literally filled with radios.

They’re everywhere.

The walls are made of them, stacked up like some chaotic art installation. Car radios serve as makeshift stands, holding the food and drink menus. The menus themselves? Coquette-coded, decorated with bows and big-eyed deer like they were plucked straight from some Tumblr fever dream.

And then there’s the rest of the decor—ripped anime T-shirts hanging in the corners, stickers on the counter with millennial-core quotes like Eat. Sleep. Coffee. Repeat.

The waitress who approaches your table looks dead inside, eyeliner smudged into a mess so perfectly disheveled it’s almost intentional. She definitely doesn’t want to be here. But then again, do any of us?

"Stop judging," Ren hisses.

You blink at him. Judging?

"I’m a broke college student, and this place is cheap enough to actually fill my stomach," he defends, crossing his arms.

"I’m not judging," you retort. "But you have to admit, this place is weird. Look around. The interior designer who made this was probably on coke. Or MDMA. Or both."

Ren sighs. Deeply.

"Not everyone has to get high to come up with weirdly fun concepts," he says, exasperated.

"Now that’s just a lie, honey," you shoot back, leaning on your hand. "All artists get their inspiration somewhere, and the good ones? They get it on something. Look at Van Gogh. Dickens. Bukowski—"

"That’s not something to be proud of," Ren interrupts, rolling his eyes. "Those people were addicts. They needed help. Jesus. There's no proof that they made their best works because they were high—who knows? Maybe their art would've been even better if they were sober."

You hum, pretending to consider his argument.

"Well, you can’t prove that, can you?" you say, smirking.

Ren narrows his eyes, lips pressing into a thin line. Checkmate.

You love throwing these hypothetical what ifs at him just as much as he loves throwing them at you. His argument about sobriety is well-executed, you’ll give him that.

But he’ll never understand the euphoria—the way inspiration thrums in your veins when you’re tipsy, or better yet, high. The way stories are born from that space between reality and delirium. You swear your best ideas only exist there.

(Not that you’ve ever tried making them sober, of course.)

"Let’s not argue about the lives and works of people we’ll never truly know," Ren sighs, finally relenting.

"Okay," you agree, lips twitching.

For now.

“So, we can’t talk about your Voldemort, but you can for sure tell me more about that black-haired hottie you met last night?”

Ren’s rosy lips curve into a playful grin, his eyes lighting up with excitement. And just like that, you can’t help but melt at how much he lives for the gossip. Some things never change.

“He has a girlfriend, you mentioned?” Ren asks again, clearly wanting the details.

“Yeah, but it’s not like I care,” you shrug, rolling your eyes. “I wouldn’t go after a taken man who didn’t want me—that’s just not cool. But this guy, I’m telling you, from the second he laid eyes on me, he was eye-fucking me. Like, full-on, taking my clothes off telepathically and sinking his cock into me. It was intense.”

Ren snorts, amused.

“And if you saw him—he was all black long hair, a bandana, A BANDANA hanging from his neck. Made me wanna strangle him and lick him at the same time.” You pause, feeling the heat rise in your chest. “And the polo shirt, okay, I thought it was kinda lame for a college party, but it gave me a peek at his abs and, oh my god, his happy trail. And his lips, babe, I’m telling you. Pink, soft, begging to be bitten. Ugh. I should’ve tried harder and just fucked him.”

“Wait, you saw his happy trail?”

“Yeah, his shirt rode up when he was stretching after playing billiards with the guys. I was already plastered, but trust me, I saw it. It was practically an invitation to drop to my knees.” You take a bite of your fries, half-listening to yourself as the images replay in your mind.

“Well, if it were me, I’d be licking that happy trail into the midnight and riding him ‘til sunrise, baby,” Ren quips with a grin, taking a bite of his crepes.

You can see the look in Ren’s eyes—the way he’s already imagining it all. It makes you laugh, feeling a rush of affection for your ridiculous, perfectly in-sync best friend.

“Got a pic of the hottie?”

You freeze.

Your horniness deflates to zero. You forgot. You didn’t even get his number, his Instagram, nothing. “I forgot to follow him. I’m so fucking dumb.”

Ren rolls his eyes.

“Follow him now, duh. Who cares?”

“I care,” you say quickly. “I don’t want him to think I’m some creepy-ass loser who’s randomly looking him up.”

Ren looks at you like you’re nuts. “He won’t think that. Plus, if he doesn’t follow you back, then he’s blind and needs a check-up.”

“Let’s just try looking him up on Insta. Maybe he has a profile pic so you can see him, but I am NOT following him.”

You whip out your phone and start typing.

And there he is. Geto Suguru.

And oh boy.

His profile pic isn't just a pic, he's shirtless, his shorts hanging low on his hips, and there it is—the happy trail, long, dark, and deliciously inviting. His face is perfectly smirking, like he knows exactly what you’re thinking. You feel a shiver run down your spine, practically drooling as you stare at the picture.

Ren, ever impatient, snatches your phone from your hands before you can even blink. His mouth falls open in shock.

“Sweet Jesus, oh my God,” he breathes, his eyes flicking between you and the picture, blinking rapidly like his brain can’t handle it.

Then he moves his thumb. And you know exactly what he’s doing, but it’s too late. It’s too fucking late.

Ren has just sent a follow request to your “almost fuck.”

You feel a panic rise in your chest. No. This is it. You’re going to strangle him. Watch as life leaves his annoying body and his breath gets lost somewhere else because you know—you just know—he did it. He followed him. From your phone and your goddamn Instagram account.

“Are. You. Fucking. Insane?”

You stare at Ren in disbelief, heart pounding in your chest as your brain tries to process what he’s just done.

“I did what had to be done,” Ren grins, his eyes gleaming with mischief. “This man is too fine and too sexy not to be tried out at least once. Honestly, pardon his straightness, but I’d blow him like my life depended on it. Since I can’t do it myself, you’re gonna take the sacrifice of doing it for me.”

You feel a mix of anger and embarrassment bubble up inside you. “Ren, I’m going to kill you. I’m literally going to kill you.”

“Relax, girl,” he snickers, waving you off like it’s no big deal. “And when you fuck him, pretty please think about me, so I can, by some miracle, feel it as well.”

You roll your eyes, trying to calm yourself down, but there's that nagging fear lingering in the pit of your stomach. “What if he doesn’t follow me back?” you whine, your voice a mix of real concern and dramatic flair. “I’m too old for this humiliation. I don’t need more rejection stacking up on my list.”

Ren just shrugs, completely nonchalant. “He will. Trust. Now eat your food, ho, and let’s go shopping.”

You don’t believe him, though. Deep down, you know he’s lying—because by the end of your shopping spree with Ren, Geto still hasn’t followed you back.

You’re losing your mind.

Even after you’ve showered, eaten, and taken a power nap, you find yourself glued to your phone. There’s still no accepted request. No follow. Just a stupid pending ‘follow request sent’ sitting there, mocking you.

You panic. You called Ren probably ten times and sent him thirty messages, all containing some combination of death, you, kill, and didn’t follow me back. You’ve become a mess—unrecognizable even to yourself.

The worst part? You know he saw it. You just know it. There’s no way in hell he didn’t check his phone at least once in the eight hours that passed. He’s leaving you hanging, like some peasant who isn’t even worth the time to be acknowledged.

It stings. It fucking stings.

You were dramatic before, sure, but you were deep down thinking he'd follow you back. Everyone does. He was all over you last night, wanting you, practically undressing you with his eyes. There was no way that stupid little spat with Gojo could have ruined things with Geto. Or maybe you were wrong. Maybe you were just stupid.

How dare he?

How dare he act like you weren’t worth even a simple follow? You start pacing around the room, frustration boiling over as your mind spirals into overdrive.

Then it hits you.

Gojo. That bastard. He’s always meddling in your business, always making things harder than they need to be. He loves getting involved for no reason, just to mess with you.

Just like he did before.

18 years ago

It’s an usual Friday afternoon, and you’re sitting with your great grandma on the front porch, her wrinkled hands steady as she writes down the words you dictate to her. You don’t know how to write yet—not really. Yes, you know the alphabet, but putting words together, let alone sentences on paper, feels like an impossible task for your six-year-old mind. But you know how to speak, and that’s all that matters right now. So you speak, and she writes, and together, you create a poem. It’s about winter, and comfort, and there’s a line about soup cooking on the stove, messily tossed in there.

You swear, in that moment, you’ve never been prouder of yourself. You are creating something—your very first poem. And even though it’s messy, even though it doesn’t follow all the rules of the world that you’re still figuring out, you did it.

Gojo, your next door neighbor and self proclaimed best friend sits beside you, shyly drawing you, your grandma, himself, and his favorite teddy bear, Teddy (of course) on what he insists is a train, even though it looks more like a stinky snail. You laugh, but then your excitement gets the best of you, and you run to your dad to show him the poem you just made with Nana. You can’t read it, but that doesn’t matter because Nana’s going to read it to him, and you’re so excited.

You just know he’ll be proud of you.

Nana reads the poem out loud, and you watch your dad as he listens. He smiles, and you’re filled with warmth, because he’s so pretty when he smiles. His eyes crinkle in that perfect greenish light, and his mouth—those dimples—just make everything feel perfect.

But then, he speaks.

“Nana, it’s great you’re teaching her all that, but she doesn’t have to write about food. There are many more beautiful things to write about. Our little peach is already a bit too chubby, and we’ve really been trying to help her lose weight, so I don’t think writing or thinking about food is good for her right now, right?”

Your heart sinks. Your excitement crashes to the ground.

You don’t know what it is, but his words make you feel so small. Your eyes drop to the ground, and you can’t hide from the uncomfortable, overwhelming feeling that floods over you. You already feel too big in your skin, too big in your body. Too big in your dad’s mind.

And then you feel it—the rush of anxiety. It sweeps over you like a tide, drowning you in its force. The weight of his words, the weight of your disappointment in his eyes, it’s too much. You couldn’t even keep it together for a stupid little poem.

Again.

You’ve disappointed him. Again. And there’s nothing you can do to make it stop.Nana says something, her voice soft and reassuring, about you being a normal, healthy little kid. She shakes her head at your dad disapprovingly, but you can’t hear her over the ringing in your ears. His words hang around you, clouding the air, and the warmth that had once bloomed in your chest shrivels up. The mood is ruined. And even though you fight it, even though you don’t want to, your eyes grow heavy and the tears that have been threatening to spill finally break free.

You try to hold them back, but they come anyway.

"I don’t think you’re chubby. You’re cute, and I liked your poem," Gojo whispers to you, his small, warm hand slipping into yours. He squeezes it gently and beams a pretty, innocent smile at you.

But instead of feeling better, you feel worse.

His hand is smaller than yours. And he’s a boy. He’s smaller and slimmer than you, and you’re a girl. You shouldn’t even be thinking about these things, but you can’t stop. He’s smaller and slimmer and better, and you're chubbier, and nothing about this is fair.

And then you hear your dad again, his words ringing in your ears, harsher this time.

“Satoru, you don’t have to lie to make her feel better. Y/n’s a big girl. She can take it. Besides, she knows it’s for her own good.”

You nod, but it’s sharp and harsh, the motion of your head quick and jerky. You pull away from Satoru’s embrace, feeling like you might break under the weight of everything. His eyes are sad. You can see it now. The pity. The pity in his eyes, in your dad’s eyes, in everyone’s eyes. It’s there, it’s so clear, and you hate it.

You don’t understand pity yet, not fully, but you understand how it makes you feel small.

You’re not a little kid anymore.

Satoru looks mad now. He gives you one of those looks—‘It’s okay, I’ve got you’—the kind that only makes you feel worse. You can’t stand it.

You want to run. You want to hide. You want to be alone, away from all of this, away from their pity, away from the shame building up in your chest.

So you do.

You run. You run to your room, and when you’re there, the door shuts behind you, and you fall onto your bed. The tears come in waves, and you cry until evening falls, until your eyes are red and sore. You don’t come downstairs for dinner.

“Tomorrow, I’m not gonna eat anything. Then all of them are gonna see.”

You whisper the words to yourself, not fully understanding the weight of them, but in that moment, they make you feel like you have control. Like you can make everything better. And that's how it all begins.

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