#I’ve never beeen this down bad before

[la2yn0va]

For those curious as to my whereabouts…. Ugh—Thy people whom are interested in the location of my lively hood….nah that doesn’t sound right….Honorary— There ain’t shit honorary about these people………………Fuck it.

Where have I been? Here’s your answer:

Mmmmm~ Red headed vampire woman~~ (☺️☺️☺️🤤🤤🤤)

If this woman wears glasses Im definitely I might pass out… Die.

[sometimesrosy]

Hey Rosy! I can't write. I'm trying to write a story I've had in my head for more than 10 years now, which I've been working on through the years. The story has evolved a lot, and I've already tried writing it several times. Just for you to get an idea, I always get around 150 pages on word before stopping and never coming back to it. Last time I did that was in 2017. I've started rewriting it in 2020 but didn't even come close to that. Now I'm trying again, but for more than a week I've been +

+ I've been stuck in the first chapter. I've written so many versions of it, and I just can't get past it. It feels like it gets worse everytime, from writing 5 pages to not even being able to write a single scene now. It's being super frustrating because this is MY story, I feel the need to write it but just can't. I've thought about skipping the first chapter, but then I don't know how to begin the next even though I know what I want to happen. Any help is appreciated. I'm basically desperate.

PS. I haven't written since before Christmas. Before that, I was writing a different sci-fi story I've had in my head for some years now too. (Guess what? I didn't finish it either. But that's not my problem now, my problem is I can't even start I'm gonna cry lol)

You have to WAY let go.

You have to relax.

You have put so much pressure on yourself that you're frozen and you can't move forward. You've got ten years of investment telling you that THIS is your story and you're ruining it. So every time you open up a document, you've got so much stress and pressure and weight pressing you down that you can't write a damn thing.

I think what you need is a throwaway story.

You have ten years of thinking about this story and you CAN NOT move forward. But you also can't get out of it. You're stuck. Blocked. And you probably are so attached to what you've already written that you can't figure out what is good and what isn't working.

Honestly I think what you really need to do is just finish something. ANYTHING. You need to finish a book, I think, because you're psyching yourself out about not being able to do it.

I don't think you should write THAT book right now. You need distance from it. You need space. And you just need to get writing. HOWEVER you have so much invested in that universe... here's my suggestion to you.

DON'T write *your story.* Put that one aside. That doesn't mean you can't ever get back to it, but just let it rest, like proofing bread. Let it rise. Let it get all yeasty. Let it do it's thing.

And in the meantime, take that universe you're writing in, and instead of *your story* write a different one. Write a prequel, or a sequel a generation down the line. Or take one minor character from *your story* and give them their own story. Or take *your story* and mash it up with another story you love, whether another book or movie, or a new and fancy idea you love that you came up with for yourself. Or change the genre. If you're writing a mystery, make it a romance. If it's fantasy, put that sucker in space. If it's horror, add a gentle coming of age story. Or I don't know whatever. Switch it up. Take what you've beeen working on all this time and twist it so that it's no longer the story you've been doing but something new and fresh.

Throw a new element in there and THEN.

Well then you just sit down and write it.

Whether you are a planner or an intuitive writer or something in the middle. Get all your prework done. Use *your story* as prework. Do an outline or character notes or do a pinterest board or whatever it is you do to prepare yourself.

And then sit down and write EVERY. FREAKING. DAY.

What? No. Are you crazy Rowena? I'm too busy for that. Okay, whatever. I don't want to hear about how you're too busy or depressed or unfocused or whatever it is that's keeping you from writing.

You have to commit to writing, to getting this story down and writing all the way to the end. Commit to an hour a day, or fifteen minutes. Or to one page. Or to one thousand words. Write on the train if you need to. Or before you go to bed. While the kids are napping or while you're waiting for class to start or on your lunch hour or in the car at pickup. I really don't care how you make room in your life for writing, but if you want to write, you have to make room for it, and you have to do it regularly.

If you'd prefer a weekend only time frame, that's just too bad. Because you, personally, need to stop looking for excuses and you just need to commit. Once you get back to writing and you're no longer blocked, then maybe you can have a looser schedule, but not now. Sorry. I'm playing hard ball here.

Oh hey. Are you the kind of person who needs an external deadline? Lots of us do.

Well. Camp nano is starting in July! It's like nanowrimo, but you get to set your own goals, work on any writing project, and have a support system with other writers that they call bunks. Bunks? I can't remember actually. I don't always win camp nano, because well it's not as focused as november nanowrimo, but if you want a bit of impetus to finally sit down and get a book written, this could work for you.

I just really think you need to be working on a project that doesn't have as much anxiety attached to it. You need something new and fun. You need to have FUN.

[shereadsandwritesformelanin]

The Baker And Her Actor: part IV [Click, Click, and Post!]

Parings: Chris Evans x Black Fem!Reader

Summary: You meet Chris while making a house delivery for the Evans. He can’t get you off of his mind, and to be honest neither can you.

Warnings: profanity, sexual content, angst, but overall fluff!

Notes: I hope you guys enjoy! If you have any request feel free to share those. Leave comments in the notes section!

Previous parts: (1) (2) (3) (3 cont.)

-

Y/n’s Point Of View:

Body aching, you shift once more before waking up.

You let out a loud groan of fustration. You’d beeen tossing and turning all night.

You were sad and felt like an idiot for what you did to Chris. Running off like Cinderella with no explinatiom was just so pathetic, especially after the perfect night you to had.

You knew you wanted to take things slow and you should have just conveyed that instead of running off no questions asked.

You needed to make things right.

Rolling over reaching into your night stan you grab your phone yanking out the charger.

Two missed calls from Kiara.

One text message from deac.

Three twitter notifications.

Nothing from Chris.

Sighing, you make your way over to the messages app. Opening up the messages between you and Chris.

Reluctantly you begin typing worried to wake him or if he’d be too upset and just leave you on read, and well who could you really blame if he did.

Y/n: Hi.

It had been fifteen minutes since you sent that lackluster texts message.

He’d probably seen it and thrown it and you away for some other hot Hollywood chick he had stored in his phone.

How was it possible to even screw that up.

Well great job Y/n another one bites the dust.

-

Chris’s Point Of View:

I’d be lying if i say I hadn’t seen your message. I wasn’t busy, I wasn’t doing anything at all.

I was just confused. You had me confused, confused enough to sit on my sofa coffee in hand watching my phone hoping you’d text again or even call.

I shouldn’t be a dick. I’m sure you had your reasons for pulling away, maybe it was too fast or you weren’t really into me.

Were you using me?

No I can’t think that, you’d never. You didn’t seem like the type. If you were you’d done it already and wash your hands with me by now.

Just fucking text her back, meatball.

Chris: Hi.

-

Y/n’s Point Of View:

Your phone pinged from across the room. Hearing the alert almost made you jump across the terrain of your bedroom.

Notification from The Captain.

Your heart nearly stopped. He finally responded like you hoped he would.

The Captain: Hi.

Shit he seems upset.

Call him.

Setting aside your nerves and pride you dial his number hoping he’d pick up so you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself once more.

Pick up.

Pick up.

C’mon pick up

Just pick up th-.

“Hello.” His raspy voice answers.

Oh

“Hello- erm good morning.” You state attempting to should chipper.

“Good morning y/n.” Chris repeats.

Just cut to the chase.

“So..about last night.’ You mutter. “I just want you to know it’s not you I promise I’m just stupid and shouldn’t have pulled away you were nothing but great I just. I’m not sure why I did that.”

Lying obviously.

“Y/n. You don’t have to explain anything to me, I’m not upset. I’d be lying if I say I wasn’t shocked and confused. But I’m not upset or blaming you.” Chris reassures.

Even through the phone he managed to convey his bubbling emotions.

“Can I see you today.” You ask nerves bubbling in your chest.

“What do you have in mind?”

-

You arrive at Chris’s house after an slight delay at the security gate. You couldn’t believe they thought you were there to “violate the tenants homes.”

Y/n: I’m outside.

The Captain: Im coming.

Finally you see Chris, jogging out of his home making sure to lock the door on his way out.

You unlock the door allowing him to jump into the passenger seat.

“Hey, sorry I was late dodger was being a tad bit fussy.” Chris apologizes.

“No, I’m sorry you have to be in my half ass car.” You joke

“No it’s great. Seriously!’ Chris reassures. “You got leather seats and Evan a sun roof.”

“Chris its a thirteen year old car, I’m suprised she’s still going.”

“Speaking of going. Where are we going?” Chris quips

“You’ll see.” You smirk

-

“A farmers market?” Chris questions stepping out of the car.

“Yes this is where I get my produce I don’t want any of the pesticides in grocery store produce.” You explain grabing your reusable grocery bags from the back seat.

“I hadn’t even thought about that before.’ Chris admits. “Let me get that for you.” Taking the bags from you slinging them over his shoulder.

You notice him slipping on some sun glasses. It wasn’t sunny at all, it was actually quite dull out.

“What’s with the glasses MIB?” You tease.

“Just not in the mood to be recognized, thats all.”

Sometimes when you were with Chris it slipped your mind that he was a wildly famous A-list celebrity. So you could understand the need for privacy and not wanting to be noticed all the time.

“Mm.’ You say. “Oh I always wanna get these Dutch donuts for my team. They’ve been working so hard I think they deserve something.”

“That’s sweet of you. I can help you bring them.” Chris offers

“If you want, but warning kiaras there and she’ll be a little bit over the top.” You warn

“Yeah I figured that when she pretended to not know I was in the house on our date.” Chris admits chuckling lightly.

You let a small smile paint your face thinking back to your date. “So about our date, I really wanna be honest and transparent here.” You say picking threw a pile of apples.

Chris faces you giving his undivided attention. It was clear to him there was something you wanted to get off your chest since you continued to peruse the conversation.

“It’s just, I haven’t talked to a guy, been with a guy, touched a guy in five years since my last serious relationship and I freaked out.” You admit sheepishly.

You couldn’t look at him you were too embarrassed.

You felt Chris slip his hand onto your free one rubbing across its skin comforting.

“Y/n like I said before you don’t have to explain it to me. I’m not upset, but I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me this. I want what you want. We can take this as slow as you’d like.” Chris clarifies

You for sure felt like Chris was a safe space for you. He wasn’t judging you or shaming you. He was kind and understanding, another thing you loved about him.

“Let’s get their donuts.” You say.

-

“Ladies first.” Chris smirks opening the door for you, hands full of donut boxes.

You cheeks burn the heat rising he definitely knew what he was doing being so cheeky.

“Guys I brought snacks!” You shout hoping to catch their attention in the back.

Kiara springs out from the kitchen, hair in a bun outfit covered in flour. “Yes you did, and I’m not talking about the food.” Kiara flirts undressing Chris with her eyes.

Chris erupts in a belly laugh. You knew she was only kidding but you felt a little jealous, even though he wasn’t yours.

“Okay.’ You interrupt sass in your voice. “so I have different assortments of donuts. So take your pick and choose wisely.”

You feel a familiar hand rest on your shoulder. “You okay.” Chris ask eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah, yes I’m great.” You lie shaking off the bad vibes.

Chris shoots you a small smile, Warming your heart.

You notice Deac coming out of the kitchen. Arms crossed tightly.

“What’s all this.” Deacon speaks.

“Uh this, is me bringing you guys a treat for you hard work.” You motion to all the donuts

“And him.” Deac points at Chris .

The room goes stiff.

Please not now.

Deacon let’s out a sarcastic chuckle. “I just don’t understand, I’ve known your for a long ass time and you’ve never gone out with me, there is always some excuse, but you meet mr. hot shot Hollywood and your all over him. Just don’t be disappointed when he lets you down y/n.” Deacon states practically shouting.

The room was silent as he threw his Apron down rushing out of the building.

Your heart raced, turning to face Chris you notice he was quite red. Clearly flustered but what just went down.

“I should go.” Chris states hesitantly

“How you didn’t drive?” You remind him

“Don’t worry about me.” Chris says turning to walk out.

“Chris Wait!” You shout following him out.

“Y/n, it’s fine I should get going anyway. I don’t wanna damper the party.” Chris admits voice soft

“You aren’t, please don’t be mad.” You plead

Chris brings you in for a hug placing a small kiss on your hairline. “I’m not mad I promise.” Chris states

You both stay embrace in each other for what seems like an eternity.

A sudden shift in Chris body causes your eyes to shoot open. “Shit.” He whispers shouts

Pulling back immediately.

“What, what is it?” You question anxiously

“I got to go, go back inside please.” Chris begs walking away.

You follow his orders walking back in side completely baffled by what’s just happened.

-

Chris’s Point Of View:

Getting back home I quickly get on the phone.

“Megan, yeah we have a problem.” I state prepared to tell her everything.

Everything about how I’d been seeing you, how a pap had just shot about 50 photos of us in the span of .5 seconds.

This wasn’t good, and was the last thing I wanted for you.

“Chris this could be all over the news by tomorrow morning, what were you thinking.” Megan shouts

“I wasn’t! I thought we were safe!” I rebuttle.

“How do you know she didn’t call the paparazzi? It wouldn’t be the first time someone you’ve been talking to has done that.” She reminds me

Sitting back down I place my head in my palms fustrated. “I know I know.” I repeat.

“We can fix this, we have to for y/n’s sake she isn’t ready for the wolves yet.” I speak.

-

A/n: so like I stated previously this is based off the beauty and the baker on abc and I don’t wanna pull to far from that. So Deacon is gonna be our Vanessa 🤣.

But I know things seem rocky but they are in a good spot. Their both confused and now Chris is angry that he put you in that position to get violated by the public.

Kiara is just jokingly flirting nothing serious she supports them!

This is gonna be a long tale for our love birds. ❤️

-

Tag list:

@toniilaney

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[whodunnitmafianostalgia]

Endings (part 4)

.

.

“Hey.”

Nancy looked up in surprise, recognizing the voice instantly. She would have known him even if she hadn’t called him two days ago—he wasn’t a person it was easy to forget. “Hey!” She shot to her feet.

Nick Falcone gave her a little wave from the doorway, and a tired smile. He looked a bit rough, a fading bruise on his head, a big bandaid on his cheek, bags under his eyes, but not too bad, and she was relieved to see it. She still didn’t know all the details of the things that had gone down at the complex, so she hadn’t really known how bad off any of them specifically would be. Nancy hurried over to him and hugged him, and Nick returned the greeting. She hadn’t seen him in…was it actually—could it really be five years? Six?

“It’s so good to see you—not like this, but, in general,” said Nancy, releasing him so she could see him again, “It’s been so long—I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of—”

He waved the concern away. “Don’t worry about it. Nobody keeps up. But you? You actually remembered to send me a post card every Christmas. You know how few people still send Christmas cards period, even to their family? Most people I meet on the job don’t even save my number.”

“Yeah, well—but we were,” started Nancy.

“A team,” agreed Nick, then, with a wink, “Partners in crime?”

“—My friend was kidnapped!” defended Nancy, grinning.

“I know,” said Nick with a matching grin.

“Still, it’s really good to see you,” said Nancy, straightening back up. And it was. A lot of the time, she…never saw people again, after cases. Even though she would have liked to. She was a traveler in people’s lives, there one week and gone the next. Somehow, she rarely seemed to hit the same island twice. And she didn’t like that, she really didn’t. Nancy cared about people pretty easily, but not in a way she thought was cheap or surface-level. She just genuinely enjoyed establishing connections with other human beings. And. It was sad, to not see them again. That was how life was, sure, and for everyone to some extent, but. She went so many places, and made so many friends, and she ended up missing all of them. And Nick had been not just one of the people she’d helped, he’d been a case partner and a trauma-bond friend.

“Yeah, yeah. I missed you too,” he said, all the warmth and playfulness and familiarity that had been there before back so easily, like it had beeen six days and not six years. That was...really nice to hear.

“How are you doing?” asked Nancy, “Really?”

Nick shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Physically, I’m fine. I have some bruises, and a cut on my cheek that might scar, but that’s the worst of it. It’s weird to come out of all that with nothing that’s gonna leave more than a little mark, but, looks like that’s how it’s gonna be for me.”

“And…” said Nancy, “…Uh….”

“Mentally?” asked Nick sympathetically, “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to ask me that either. I could be asking you the same thing though. From what I’m gathering the past two days, he was your friend, right? And a pretty close one.”

Nancy nodded. Was? “He is,” she said, because even saying nothing would have felt like a betrayal she wasn’t ready to commit.

“You okay?” asked Nick.

“No, but you didn’t answer my question,” said Nancy.

He smiled kind of sheepishly. “Did I not?”

She shook her head.

“I’m fine,” said Nick, clearly lying blatantly.

She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.

“Okay. Honestly, I have no idea,” said Nick, giving in and amending his statement, “Everything is just. Surreal. I guess I’m lucky to be alive, and I should feel good about that, right? But I don’t feel anything about it at all.”

“Yeah,” said Nancy quietly.

“He’s here somewhere?” asked Nick, glancing around the hospital’s open main foyer, like he might see him, and didn’t want to.

“Yes. Upstairs,” said Nancy, “They’ve got some psychologists trying to work with him who’ve been in and out all day, and armed guards that are a constant, so, you don’t need to...” worry...

“They got any idea what is wrong with him?” asked Nick kind of awkwardly, “It was…He wasn’t lying, right? There is…something wrong. I mean—beyond killing people—wrong-wrong-uh—PTSD, dissociative episodes kind of something wrong stuff.”

“Yes, very,” said Nancy, “But are you sure you want to hear about this? I understand, if—”

“—I want to know,” said Nick, looking like he meant it, “I’m gonna wonder forever if I don’t.”

Right. You were…sort of friends. Not with him, but with...’Alec’. She had. She had just…no idea what to say to Nick at all. What could she even try to say, to explain any of this? It was so much, and so exhausting--just the version of today she was dealing with. She couldn’t even begin to understand, right now, what Nick’s version of the last month had been like.

“…Can I see him?” asked Nick quietly, expression a hard read, “—Not talk to. Just, I...feel like until I actually see he’s locked up somewhere under armed guard, I’m not gonna really believe it. And. It might seem…in bad taste, to you, but the others would probably like a photo of that. –Not to gloat. Just. Nobody feels really safe right now. Even right by a station full of cops.”

“…Right,” said Nancy, overcome with a pang of sadness. She understood. It make a lot of sense, and it wasn’t in poor taste, it was just hard. “Sure. He’s out right now anyway, so he wouldn’t even have to know. I’ll show you.” She motioned him to follow her, and Nick came, sliding his hands into the pockets on his big brown jacket, and looking around the hospital curiously as they went.

“You still doing detective work, rescuing kidnapped girls?” asked Nick with an only barely forced smile, catching up and keeping pace with her, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“Yeah, sort of,” said Nancy, returning his smile with an even more exhausted one, “I’ve been working one case for three years now. But, sometimes someone local needs help, and I’ll be working two cases, and it’ll be like old times, and that’s really nice.”

“You’re some kinda do-gooder, but I get it,” said Nick carelessly, “We all got our own wars to fight. Causes to win. They just look a little different to each of us.”

“Yeah,” said Nancy, actually feeling a little better. It had been a long time since the case in Missouri where she’d met him, but they’d been good friends, even if their relationship had started out with her yelling at him and accusing him of kidnapping. Look—I was having some kind of day—Maya was gone, and everyone was stonewalling me and being a huge pain—him too. I was mad. Still. By the end of it, he’d been almost her partner on the case, and they’d saved Maya together. He’d bought her enough time to get it done. “What about you? Still a Human Against the Destruction of Illustrious Theaters?”

Nick snorted. “You know I am,” he said proudly, “That and running with about five other causes.”

“Should you be doing six at once?” asked Nancy.

“Hey—You don’t get to lecture me about doing too much,” said Nick.

“Fair enough,” agreed Nancy with a smile.

They reached the second floor, and Nancy wove through halls, finally finding Frank’s room. It was in a corner, by itself. One thin window a human couldn’t possibly fit through, about eye level, and looking in from the hospital to the room. No external windows at all, just solid concrete walls. There were several armed guards at the door, which still felt strange. But. It has to be like this right now. You know that.

Nancy held up her ID. They knew who she was, so it was just a formality, but it paid sometimes to go by the book.

“Who’s he?” asked one of the guards she knew by now was named Guozhi. After three years, Nancy wasn’t bad at Mandarin, but the guards knew English, and had been generous and started just assuming that was the best bet with the people coming in and out of the room all the time, and they weren’t wrong. It was only going to get worse, with the people Nancy already knew were flying in from the US to try to help deal with this.

“This is Nick Falcone,” answered Nancy, nudging Nick with her elbow. He quickly pulled an ID out of his pocket and held it up. The guards were familiar with the situation, and would already know who that was, so they’d know the name.

“I don’t have to go in,” said Nick, almost nervous, “I just. Wanted to…see.” The guards gave a nod, and Nick stepped past them and to the side, near the wall to the room, and looked in the little window. His face was almost impossible for her to read. Maybe she didn’t have any right to be prying right now anyway, trying to guess what was going on. Nancy decided not to try, and just stepped up beside him and looked in too.

Frank was asleep. Ned was in there, waiting with him, back to the window. Reading a book, but not very well. Every couple seconds, he would glance over at Frank, and then keep going. Not able to focus enough to probably be actually comprehending anything in the book at all. Oh Ned, I’m so sorry, thought Nancy, meaning it, and feeling bad, but feeling worse that as bad as she felt for him, she was so much more glad and relieved that he was there. That he’d come with her, and stayed with her, and she hadn’t had to do all this alone. I’m some kind of terrible girlfriend, I guess… She loved him so much. She had to find some way to tell him that, and that she was sorry it had been like this, and she was glad he’d stayed, but there was so much going on right now, she barely had the energy to get up and walk around.

“So. …What happens now?” asked Nick, expression still closed off and a hard read, taking in the scene in front of him.

Poor Frank, thought Nancy, watching herself for a moment. They had strapped him down, wrists, chest, waist, ankles. With a blanket over, it wasn’t so awful to look at, but she could still see the cuffs around his wrists. She still knew. And he was so pale, sweating, and moving fitfully, like he had the first night he’d been safe with them in Shanghai, and all the nights for two weeks after. They were trying out a drug, to see if it would help him, and God, she hoped it would. Nancy didn’t like to be here. It was hard to bear. But not being here would have been worse. It. It was so strange to be talking to Nick like this too, especially now, right here by Frank—she wasn’t really sure what to say. She was still feeling like Frank was the victim in this, well, not the, a, but. To everyone things had happened to…? I don’t think I’ve really even begun to process it, thought Nancy, placing her fingers against the glass, Not really. Because I haven’t had to see a body. But Moira? Mom’s best friend? She was…like an aunt to me. We were getting really close, the last few years. And Lou was a thief, but he was just a stupid college student. Connie? She wondered if anyone had let Daryl know yet—if they’d still even been together. I did such a bad job of keeping up with people, she thought again mournfully, Maybe if I hadn’t, something would have been different. I’d have known they were gone. I could have stopped it, or something. And Alec—the real Alec? She wondered. Was his sister still out there somewhere, like he’d hoped? The one he’d been searching for so tirelessly, for years, and years, far past when anyone else would have given up? What would happen to her now, if she was, with no one left out there in the world to find her…

“Now?” echoed Nancy, glancing over at Nick, “He’s going to finish getting evaluated, and hopefully get a diagnosis from some psychologists, and then treatment. And, somewhere while that’s all happening, it’ll go to trial. I don’t know when, yet. I’m…Technically, his next of kin is his father, Fenton, so, when anything happens isn’t really up to me.”

“Is he here?” asked Nick.

“No,” said Nancy, removing her hand from the window slowly and letting out a breath, “Fenton’s getting in late tonight, though. It’s…been hard.”

Nick nodded, and studied Frank for a few more seconds in silence, then straightened up. “...Kinda surprised he really did it.”

“Turned himself in?” asked Nancy.

Nick nodded.

“You didn’t think he would?”

“I don’t…think I knew anything, one way or another,” said Nick tiredly, staring past her at nothing.

“…I’m really sorry,” said Nancy quietly, watching him.

“It’s not your fault,” said Nick, meeting her gaze again, “You didn’t ask him to do it. Unless there’s something I don’t know, he came after us because we knew you, not because you told him we were problems. Right?”

“No—of course not,” said Nancy, horrified, “—We were friends! I—” He was grinning at her. “Oh, you were teasing me.”

“Yeah,” said Nick.

“Still,” said Nancy, glancing back through the window. Not really sure which of many things she’d been wanting to say.

“…What did he say?” asked Nick.

Nancy glanced at him.

“Anything that—made more sense than what he told us?”

“…I don’t really know exactly what he told you,” said Nancy.

“Okay, but you said ‘very’—very wrong. Why ‘very,’” said Nick, “Like I said, I want to know. Not one thing that’s happen the past month makes sense. If there’s a way to understand all that, I…I need to.”

“I can…tell you what I know,” said Nancy, feeling bad, taking in the look on his face, “But you might be better off waiting for the psychologists to be done. Or to at least have a primary diagnosis. We don’t have anything in writing yet at all. I wouldn’t want to…Like you said, he’s my friend. I’ll do all the guessing I feel like helps me, but I don’t want to guess for someone else. You deserve real answers.”

“I want what I can get,” said Nick, “You knew him. That’s more than I’ve got. What do you think?”

“About…why he did it?” asked Nancy. She glanced at Frank for a few seconds, and then back at Nick. “I’m…not a psychologist.”

She could see very plainly that he still wanted to know. Desperately. And she understood that. She would have been asking anyone who’d known more than her, even without having to suffer through the version of it Nick had. If she’d just…been home, living her own life in River Heights, and gotten a call, and Joe had been here, she’d have been asking him. Trying to get him to make sense of it for her, because any step closer was better than where she was right now.

“Okay,” said Nancy, taking a breath, “But. Take what I say with a grain of salt. I’ve been spending all the free time I have trying to research, and understand, and I’m good at that, it’s—it’s kind of my job, but. I know really I’m just…guessing. And that’s all. I believe him, though. I know him. I’ve known him for years. And I think he told me the whole truth when he got home. He’s…he’s different, and at the same time, I know he’s still the same person he’s always been, and that’s so hard for me to understand. I’ve been trying. Torture…from everything I’ve been able to read up on, it’s designed kind of above all else to destroy someone’s sense of self. And their sense of safety, and trust, and any kind of security or understanding they had in the world at all along with it. People all develop cognitive framework for understanding the world when they’re growing up—how to categorize things, their idea of a just world. Self-identity, society, personal relationships. But. When you get tortured, everything the person torturing you is doing is about destroying all of that. It damages your brain. You go through too much to suffer and be able to really stay the same, on even a…a physical level, and the damage breaks neurological connections. You have to form new ways to think about the world, to cope, to just survive, and you spend every day with people trying to make it so you can’t even remember how you used to think about yourself and life before. There’s a lot of stuff about the aftermath of torture, and about anger, and anxiety, and so much about paranoia. Cognitive deterioration.”

She let out a slow breath. Even with all the time she’d spent the past two days, she still knew so little, and yet somehow everything she did know felt really impossible to explain anything like quickly to someone else.

“But I believe him,” she said again, watching Nick’s face, “I think he didn’t know what he was doing. Not the real him. I think he was doing what he thought made sense, but what he thought made sense was what going through things I can’t even imagine for two years made him think. It wasn’t what he wanted. He was out of his head, and out of control, and there was no one there to stop him, but I don’t think he ever really wanted to do it. Somebody else conditioned him to be like this. And then, somewhere along the way, he came to his senses enough to realize that, and so he stopped, and tried to get help. I just. Wish it could have been sooner…”

Nick had been listening in silence, and he looked away when she finished, thinking. A very far-away and set look on his face.

“You don’t have to listen to this, though,” said Nancy, feeling bad, thinking about the trauma he’d been through over the past month or so, “You don’t have to feel sympathetic. –You don’t have to think sympathetic. You don’t even have to wonder. You can just go home, and you should. None of this excuses anything that happened to you, or the rest of them. Nobody could ask you to try to be generous about that.” He had just—he had said he wanted to understand, so, she had been…trying. But. I’m sorry if I just hurt you more.

“Yeah,” said Nick, glancing back at her. He cleared his throat. “So. He’ll go to trial in a few weeks or something?”

“Or something,” agreed Nancy, “You’ll probably be asked to be there—all of you, to testify. But if you, or any of the kids, or—any of the others can’t handle it, I think you can talk to someone and have a written statement submitted. Or a video, or something.”

“I know,” said Nick tiredly, “They already talked to us about that.”

“Oh,” said Nancy.

For a moment, Nick glanced back into the room again, watching the unconscious person inside, then he turned to Nancy and straightened up. “Do you know what he’s pleading?”

“What?” said Nancy, genuinely confused for a second, “—Oh. Guilty. He wants to plead guilty, to whatever charges get brought. He’s been in and out of it since getting here, but he was really set on that. I…He does feel awful. I don’t—I’m sorry, if you don’t want to know things like that that, tell me, and I won’t say them again. But if it…makes any of this any more…bearable, or something. He wants to pay.”

Nick held her gaze for a second, and then smiled kind of sadly, and shook his head. “You’re fine. I think I just want to know as much as I can.” He turned and took a few steps back towards the stairwell, and then paused and turned to face her again. “We’re around. All of us are staying in town, together, for the moment. Uh—separate rooms, because there’s some drama. Lori and Niobe tried to kill Grigor a few days ago—”

“They did what?” asked Nancy, horrified.

“It’s—it’s so complicated,” said Nick, very exhausted, taking a little travel notepad out from a pocket and scribbling on it, “But uh. We’re all in the same hotel, for safety. Because none of us are ever gonna feel safe in a room alone again.” He’d been trying to joke, and flashed her a grin, but it was too hard to laugh at that. Too soon. And it had been too soon for him too, and she could see it. “It was as close to the police station as we could get,” continued Nick more soberly, “I’m in 114 and 116—adjoining rooms, with Grigor, and Dylan, and all four of the kids. Niobe and Lori are across the hall and one down in 117. Henry kind of just, drifts. Between all three rooms. If you want to find any of us, that’s where we’ll be.” He tore off a sheet of paper and handed the address out to her.

“Thank you, Nick,” said Nancy, taking it. “Ned and I haven’t even booked a place yet. I’ve got an apartment, a bit of drive from here, but technically in town, so I’m not even sure if it’s worth it to get a hotel. We might just sleep here in chairs for the moment…But uh. Whatever we end up doing, I’ll text you, in case any of you want to reach us.”

“Sure,” said Nick.

“It was good to see you again,” said Nancy.

“You too,” said Nick with a real smile for a second. He turned to go.

“Do you…need your picture?” she asked, feeling a little sick.  He turned back around. “For the others?”

“…Right,” said Nick. He gave the room a look, and then glanced back at her. “No. I changed my mind. They’ll have to take my word for it.”

“Okay,” said Nancy, not pressing him on why.

Nick hesitated in the hallway, though, absently opening and closing his fist, caught in indecision. Agitated. I wonder if he wants to ask something, but he thinks I won’t want to help?

For a few more seconds, he was silent, debating whatever he was debating in his head, and then he made his decision and glanced over at her. “You should talk him out of that.”

“What?” said Nancy, not sure what any part of that sentence had been referring to.

“Pleading guilty,” said Nick. He met her gaze, and he seemed tired, and sad, but firm—sincere. Beyond that, she couldn’t read him at all. She felt like that was the way he wanted it, too. “Having spent the last almost two months with the guy, and knowing what I know now—the things I saw him do in that place? If there’s ever been a case where someone really deserved to plead not guilty by reason of insanity? This was it.”

“…” She had wanted to say “You really think he’s insane?”, but, when she had looked for her voice to do it, all it would say for her was, “Yeah,” because she’d known it too, and just hadn’t wanted to say it out loud, but she couldn’t say that, so she couldn’t answer him at all.

Nick waited for an answer she couldn’t give for a second, then smiled at her. “If you want someone to testify to that, I’ll do it. You know where to find me.” He gave her a nod in goodbye, and then started down the stairs.

“…You would help him?” she asked.

He stopped on the third step down, and turned to glance at her over his shoulder.

“After everything he did to you?” asked Nancy. She wanted to help Frank. God, even, even after the things he’d done—the people she…she had lost too, in ways. Especially Moira. But…Nick had never known him before. It was different. To him—to all of them, except maybe Lori, he was a complete and utter stranger.

Nick glanced away, and stuffed his hands into his pockets, then shrugged. “I don’t think it’s…’helping.’ That would be trying to get him out of something he deserves. I just think you’re right. I think he killed four people because he got tortured somewhere for two years and lost his mind. It’s the only thing that could possibly make sense, even a little, after the way things fell apart—how elaborate it all was, but how poorly planned, how much things went off the rails. Him turning himself in. I’m not a doctor, or a lawyer, or a cop. I don’t ‘know’ what’s right, I guess legally, or ethically, or scientifically speaking. And I can’t claim to. But it seems like it…it should at least be different, you know?” He glanced at her again, “Than what you’d call justice for someone who just wanted to do all that. That’s why we put murders in categories, right? Premeditated, heat of the moment, manslaughter. ‘Crazy’ isn’t a full category on its own, that I know of anyway, but. It isn’t the same as the others either. I…just want whatever happens to be the right thing.” He met her gaze again and tried to smile.

“That’s…really good of you,” said Nancy.

“No,” said Nick, looking at the ground. “I’m just tired of watching people die.”

Die?

Oh no.

Everything changed. She felt her blood run cold and the urge to vomit suddenly. No, no, no. She’d been living here for three years now—she’d known that, but somehow she’d missed it. Somehow Nick Falcone had realized it first. She was so used to American laws, and American ways of doing things, she hadn’t even remembered to think about it, but Nick was right. Oh God, he was right about all of it. Everything that had been done, every death, it had all happened on Chinese soil, and unless there was some way Fenton could get him extradited—

The knowledge she had had and simply not looked at before slammed against her skull, and Nancy felt the floor of the building cracking under her feet and things collapsing around her, and she knew it was in her head, but it didn’t matter. It was going to be real enough.

How. How could I have forgotten this? He’s right. God, he’s right. China practices capital punishment. It’s got the highest number of death penalties handed out of any country in the world. It’s passed down as a common sentencing in criminal trials here. Especially for. …Drug trafficking. And. Murder. Murderers often get sentenced to death. By lethal injection…or gunshot.

[softshouyous-archive]

ALL FOR THE BOTANICAL ASKS they aren't called flower asks get it right jeez falen

iS THIS HOW YOU SPEAK TO YOUR ELDERS (ง •̀_•́)ง

baby’s breath: 5 things you associate yourself withhmmm uhhhh i don’t know what counts buT1. pink but also black2. haikyuu3. the internet??? idk4. uhhhhhhh5. uHHHHbasically things i liKE????

bleeding heart: what makes you heart go mushy?my friends (including friends on here okay), block b (esp b bomb that cute ho), haikyuu, hxh, milk tea LOL, and people being kindbell flower: what’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?walking in the rain and her, which are both by block b!!

evening primrose: what’s your sleeping playlist (give me 5 songs)?i don’t have one!!!forget-me-not: who is your favorite blog who isn’t following you?hmmm i think all of my favorite blogs follow me?? surprisingly LOL oH NO LOL oohh a hxh artist /banakiri! their art is so beautiful and cute i crydaffodil: what is one plant that you want to have but can never get?not a plant but more like a flower!! okay call me trash but cherry blossoMScalla lily: are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening?sunny!!!foxglove: what is your favorite color and in what shade?pINK!!! specifically pastel pink!!!lavender: what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?uhhh i don’t know???love in a mist: what is the latest dream that you remember?yo i haven’t beeen able to remember my dreams for days but i had a dream last night where i was at some library??? that i’ve never been to and i saw two guys that i used to go to school with and we were talking but i don’t remem what we were talking about but it was just weird idk daisy: what is your favorite flavor of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice?-cotton candy: i don’t really have cotton candy (i can’t even remmeber the last time i had it LOL) but probably the pink one???-ice cream: haagen daz coffee!!!-juice: i don’t really have juice!!painter’s palette: are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist?none?? LOL tulip: what is your most favorite make-up product? do you like it more natural, dark, or etc?ooohhh i lOVE eyeliner soosoososo much!!! i’m probably more of a natural makeup kind of person!!waxflower: are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person?butterfly, the white ones specifically!! and dude please i love dogs okay i would die for all of themsugarbush: do you have sweet tooth? if yes, what’s your favorite sweets? if no, why?hmmm not really??? i think i kinDA used to be, but not anymore?? but my favorite sweets are probably macarons and mochi ice cream!!!sunflower: would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?a fairy??sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other?you know what i’ve thought about this before, but i don’t know??? i feel like we’d probably come up with one, but i feel weird using the names ‘babe, baby, honey’ etc like you think i’d be weak for that but i am actually not o:sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do?nope nope nope i’d die windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why i like themhnnGGHHHH TIME FOR EMBARRASSMENT:1. chicken fetus ( ((((((: ): they are a loser and vvv funny and their content is 10/10/10/10 and they probably think i am a stalker but i just really like their blog like good anime shit and vvv funny i love them and care about them so much and will fight anyone who doesn’t appreciate them okay shhh don’t tell them pls2. sh izuos: listen. LISTEN. i hope they don’t read this bc they follow me but i found their writing through another author on fanfiction. net when i was like. 12 and i read allll their naruto fics and i loved them they were soososo funny and i followed their works closely ever since and then like. 3 years later i saw that they had a tumblr and they were starting up a writing blog and i immEDIATELY followed them and along with fics they posted personal posts and i was able to learn more about them and they’re so funny and nice and friendly and i love and admire them so much (((((’’’’:3. wo cjiho: they’re a newish bloc k b blog and they make really nice gifs super often and they use hearts or other emojis as captions and it’s really cute and they’re really mysterious to me but they’re super sweet i cry 4. i’m litearally blanking wow oohh minim insu: we just recently became mutuals like i think i’d seen them around before bc they’re a gif maker and i’d admired them a bit but there was thise one post that someone reblogged saying to vote for an under rated group and i feel so bad when i see that groups have to depend of voting to make it so i was like okay i’ll try to remem to vote until the last day but i also saw that the op was willing to make gifs for whoever who voted so basically we became mutuals bc i ended up softly begging for a moodboard of my fave it was so embarrassing they’re too sweet and really funny and pure but they make fun of my typos (ง •̀_•́)ง5. bee b e e cee: a bloc k b blog who often replies to my dumb posts i really admire them from afar they’re so so sweet and also really funny and idk i just really like them they’re super cool and sweetgolden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook?i don’t do either (rip) but i think i’d be more of a baker!!bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children?pls don’t be mean to other people, and try not to care about people’s opinions if they’re not trying to help you, but are just trying to bring you downpeony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?uuhhhhh two things that i can think of right now: i wish my parents put my brother and i in more extracirricular programs/activities and encouraged us more academically, and i wish they didn’t talk so much trash about each other to us when we were younger??? bc i don’t know if it ended up affecting us somehow, but i think it’s really uncool when parents talking about each other to their children bc like... children are so young and small and sometimes easily believe the things they hear. so when you feed negative info about their parents to them, they might believe it and it’s just like??? and like conflicting thoughts??? idk it’s Dumb prairie gentian: do you have a significant other?nope nope september flower: are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?sunshine!!! i like the morning because the sun feels really light bird of paradise: do you wake up early? do you sleep early?hnnGGHHH I TRY TO SLEEP EARLY but i usually end up sleeping at around 11-1 lATEST!! and if it’s a school day, i wake up around 7:30-8, but if it’s not, probably around 9-11!!marigold: what’s your favorite tea?jasmine milk green tea/jasmine green tea!!peruvian lily: what are the names of your pets?i don’t have any))): and i actually don’t know what i would name them LOL  you know what probably after haikyuu and hxh characters oOPShyacinth: do you name your plants?yes!!! i have an orchid named hinata LOLlilac: would you rather sleep and be cozy or hang out with your friends?hang out with my friends!!!poppy: do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?i usually eat them as they are!! but if i dip them it’s in sweet chili sauce!!dandelion: any special talent that you have?????????????????????

THANK YOU MOONSHINE I LOVE YOU KISS KISS

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #8: “I'll Fall on the Sword” ~ Charlotte

Let me be like my favourite simpson and Merge. GOD

UGH I THOUGHT WE WERE MCFUCKING MERGING JFLADKJFALSD ANYWAYS I GUESS NOT!!!!!! I'm happy with how tribal panned out but GOD this is an ugly turn of events! At least I don't have school tomorrow and the vote went how it should have. I was in auditions for over four hours tonight and I wasn't able to game talk like AT ALL but I love my allies and they covered it for me. I'm so happy! I think that maybe after THIS vote we'll merge or something... I don't know. Why didn't we merge at 13 if Duncan's power is like??? You know??? You can run and hide from final 13 to final 10 idk it's just weird. And ugh I just,,,,, I WANT TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE SO I DONT HAVE TO VOTE OUT RUTHIE OR KEVIN FDKAKFSD this sucks. I like them both. I'd rather Kevin than Ruthie but that might be difficult because of like,,, how this vote went down lmao. But it was cute how Autumn, Ruthie, and Kevin didn't even stick together after that 3-3-1 vote like WOW JFKDSJFLKAS iconic and I love it. Now I'm hungry and I'm gonna go eat something bye

I literally hate this task challenge with a passion I don't have the reaction time for it rip me and my life and my tribe

I'm forever an Emily & Owen stan but can they go to sleep. PLEATHE

Not to be full of myself but I did #that and more. I mean I'd like to think it was my move bc I suggested her name first so. Her vote said that I was like playing both sides but tbh I wasn't even playing her side at all??? (I accidentally forgot to message her skdkdkd) I just hope that doesn't like...marr my reputation, as small as it already is. Anyways I'm upset about no merge and just hoping we can win this challenge because we were already uncertain last time who knows what'll happen tomorrow night. 

Plz ask for a mutiny so I can go to the other tribe even though they are losing please and THANK YOU

CameronI think I speak for the entirety of Loronha when I say I HATE YOU OWEN AND EMILY ________________________________________________________________ *narrator voice* he does not have faith in his tribe

If I was a Pokémon I’d be Ekans. Hiss hiss

Losing this badly is so hard to deal with after winning so well the last few rounds. I so desperately want to make merge, you know? And if this is the thing that does me in... well that would suck.

this is the most DISHEARTENING challenge, we are always just a second behind the other team and i am so frustrated and sad and everyone on our tribe is trying their hardest but it's just not working for us 

I love losing. It's okay, I'll fall on the sword if we do lose bc I literally couldn't do any of these tasks because I am an adult and I have to work.

I’m really sad and disheartened and this is so so so devastating. This is the first time in any game where I’ve felt this close to a group of people and I’m so upset that one of us has to leave. We tried so damn hard and we were so close and I’m so upset and sad and I. Want to cry 

i cant believe i won!!! im shaking!!! ali is the devil but we won anyway because god always prevails over evil amen!!! britain tell me how my ass tastes!!!! can we please merge!!!

I hate being mad like this. I hate feeling like I want to scream at people and tell them how angry I am. But that's how I feel, so I'm gonna put it in a confessional. Emily and Owen, I'm so sorry in the future and know that likely 10 hours from now I'm not gonna feel this way but. FUCK YOU EMILY AND OWEN. DO YOU FOOLS NEVER SLEEP? DO YOU NOT HAVE LIVES? EMILY DONT YOU GO TO SCHOOL? DID YOU SKIP SCHOOL TO DO THIS CHALLENGE? WHAT THE HELL!

I'm glad my tribe won even though I wish there was a mutiny where they could have lost a TON of points and lost one of their own in the 'Alliance Against Ruthie TM' 

i cant fucking believe i got 5 points for steamed hams, and then emily said eggs was a fun fact and ruined my only contrifuckinbution! i still love her but kdjshgkjdshgkdjshhkj

You all know me as the heartless meanie who lost his shit multiple times during Azores, but right now I'm gonna fucking cry I don't wanna have to vote anyone off this tribe. Like I thought I felt bad before making the move against Madison or having to give up on trying to save Jack, but this is the absolute HARDEST thing that's happened yet. Even if it's Charlotte because apparently she wants us to vote her out, I'm still gonna be crying during this one. This sucks.

Someone from Loronha is winning this game. No ifs, no buts. We all fought SO HARD to win. So hard. And we all got so many points, despite the odds and just stuff being against us. With my strategy, any plans I had of voting against Dana/Will/Cameron? they are gone. I love them all SO MUCH, and have no intention of voting them out. At merge, the war on Atalaia begins. ________________________________________________________________ Like ugh I love me some Emily but come merge? Emily and Lily are outta here.

Thank GOD we won that challenge. I did SO MUCH and if we had lost I would’ve probably wanted Kevin to go home since he contributed the least to the competition at least from what I saw. And also, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did SO MUCH for our tribe. Like whenever I was at auditions or sleep they were like,,,, we need Emily!! Like? That’s a good feeling. Don’t vote me out because I’m pulling my weight hehe! But also why the fuck did they need me so bad these things aren’t hard you just gotta be speedy!! Whatever. Also I cracked an egg on my head for no reason. I’m the queen of eggs though so it’s fine.

There's something especially depressing about the fact that Charlotte is so willing to go, whether it's because she really is truly over the game or she has stuff going on... It's just sad watching a pseudo-quit like this happen, especially coming off of last night's outright devastation. If y'all thought the Emily boot in Azores was sad (when literally everyone cried on live cam), then this is gonna be even worse - idk how but it's worse. But looking at the bright side, at least it's gonna get me through to the next round.

Charlotte has asked/offered to go tonight which I really respect and appreciate. I am so devastated to see her go though. Charlotte is an icon, a legend, an inspiration. She is truly the most justified all star in this cast. Come merge, the Loronha tribe is literally going to be F6. I'm speaking it into existence. ________________________________________________________________ God Charlotte going tonight is gonna be such a tragedy. But unfortunately a queen must fall for an empire to arise. Its time for the Loronha dynasty to begin.

Hi I feel awful about everything and this game is making me have a heart which should honestly be a crime. As long as I am not being tricked by everybody on my tribe (always a possibility, I am impossible to blindside), I think Charlotte is going home on her own accord tonight. I feel SO bad about it, but at the same time I think she would have gone home either way (idol plays aside), which I'm not sure she expected. Also i'm feeling kind of good about the game right now because I think the dynamics on both tribes are good for me going into a merge situation. 1) Will and Duncan aren't close, and I'm close with both of them. 2) Duncan is close with Zach, who I am close with, and will use for information and then vote out expediently so I can win (probably tbd). 3) I still have my alliances from both my tribes with most members in tact (rip Autumn a quen) 4) I didn't even have to lie to anybody yet.. Wig! I just withheld a lot of information, but weirdly, people have been spilling their game tea to me which honestly ya girl loves! 5) Everyone i'm working with wants Emily out and amazing because i sure do too. 6) Ashvika is close to Duncan and also mad that Autumn was voted out, me too girl. Ok wig I have more thoughts but umm this is all for now ladies. See u on the flip side hopefully xoxo

I have no idea whether I’ve done a confessional or not this round and ideally it’s not my last one. So Loronha finally lost again after WE DIDNT MERGE AT 13! *side eyes emoji*  and honestly the tribe’s moral was shot, right in the gut. Like they all felt so bad about losing it must’ve beeen a rush to be a part of that challenge. Lots of emotions are out and people are in their feels. Apparently Charlotte is very okay with going home and says she has no ulterior motives. I wanted Cameron out first but if Charlotte is willing to go and wants us to vote her out, who am I to stand in her way? I ain’t shit. And I know if I was in that position I’d prefer to go home too. I just don’t think she was as invested as she should’ve been and she realizes that. It’s just sad and I hope she’s not fronting and that we Merge soon.

I THINK I'M MAKING MERGE GIRLIES!!!!!!!! So, with that, I'm going to talk about all the people left in the game and my opinions on them for merge because I've been slacking on confessionals this round!

Okay starting with Ali: Ali has an idol and I'm hoping I'm the only one that knows that still. I'm a little worried not being on his tribe right now because 1. he could build closer relationships with people that are not me 2. he could tell other people about his idol 3. he could tell other people I know about his idol. 3 is bad because then people will know Ali and I are very close. Though I haven't been discreet about any of my relationships in the game thus far, I guess another very out there tie to a player will just? Happen? I guess? I don't know. I'm definitely going to spill all the tea from our 3-3-1 6-0 vote because he's going to get the tea eventually and I'd rather it be from me. I also wonder how close Ali and Duncan are right now because I remember them being a bit rocky before the joint tribal, so who can be sure? I can't.

Ashvika: Really sweet girl and I'm glad we got Autumn out. Ashvika was wanting to save Autumn during the joint tribal and that means they were close, especially because they just played together. I figure Ashvika and Duncan are close because of what I know from Duncan. I wonder if that relationship is still in tact or if Ashvika is now closer to Will and Dana. I remember them being close for some reason. This could be inaccurate but? Idk.

Charlotte: I honestly don't know where I stand with Charlotte! I have no idea where her allegiances are and like? I just really don't know. I remember her and Zach being close but now that they're on different tribes, I don't know where she stands. And I also know that Duncan low key wanted Charlotte out in the earlier days of this game so like... she could be going out next because of her lack of allies and Duncan kind of wanting her out. I don't know how much power Duncan has over there. But also, Charlotte got Jack's vote last time Elaenia went to tribal council so... it's likely? I guess? I don't know. We'll see.

Dana: I don't really know much about Dana other than her and Will are tight. And Zach. And probably Ashvika. That's going to have to be a group I either 1. work with or 2. look out for when we merge. I can just like... sense it. But I also think that Will and Ali are close and then Dana and Zach are close and they're my closest allies so like??? Ali and Zach can probably keep me safe or at least differ targets off my back if my name happens to come up. And I like that!

Duncan: I love Duncan. He has an idol. Idk who else knows other than Ali and I. I hope that's it. Oh wait this is me remembering mid-type that I told Lily about Duncan's idol lol. FUNNY EMILY anyways. Lily probably won't tell. I hope she doesn't. Whew. I think Duncan should be okay 1. because he has an idol 2. because he like??? has a good social game?? I'm hoping to see him in merge.

Kevin: Honestly don't know how I feel about him because we saved him last round but he voted for Lily the round before and like... wtf I don't like that? fjkldsfalsd I thought he and Lily were TIGHT and then he just goes around and votes Lily out like WOW idk man. I know he's my secret santa but he's SKETCHY!!! If we were to have gone to tribal this round, I would've wanted to vote him out. I know that's flip-floppy because we saved him last round and kept Ruthie out of the loop but that's the truth lol

Lily: My absolute fav person ever!!! In a game sense, I would say I'm like ... 4th closest to her. Zach, Ali, and Owen are above her. But everything else I love her! She has that vote negator and I'm happy she FINALLY got something good from the arch*p*l*go!! 

Cameron: Love him love him love him! I feel like we won't work together in this game though. Not sure why I just... don't see it happening? It might. We shall see. He reminds me to take my medicine every night. I <3 him. And for the short period of time we've been together in this game I've been decently honest with him. He was one of the few people I told before the Madison vote that I was gonna vote for Autumn rather than Madison just because she's my friend and it hurts :( so I'm hoping he's willing to vote with me even though he thinks I'm a major snake. God.

Owen: I was doubtful about him at first but I think I've made a genuine connection with him! I was like high key scared he was gonna flip on Lily/Zach/Myself for Autumn/Kevin/Ruthie but he DIDN'T and I'm so happy about that. I really like him and he's been very helpful in challenges so I'm thankful for that!! He's so sweet and we have a snapchat streak and anyone that puts up with my streaks is a blessing

Ruthie: I really love Ruthie and keeping her out of the loop last vote was really something dksjfkasld I'm sad that it happened but like we needed to just in case an idol was played or something. I hope she's willing to work with me later down the line but I think our relationship definitely needs some healing.

Will: Love Will and I really hope we can ACTUALLY work together this game! I know things were messy with the Madison vote but I'm hoping that that doesn't get in the way of our game relationship. Though me fucking things up with Ruthie might also hinder it... I'm not sure. I think Ali and him are close and I'm close to Ali so like? Yeah keep me safe Will xoxo. Will is also definitely close to Dana since she exposed some of his tea during the scavenger hunt. I would never expose tea from any of the people I'm not close with you know? yeah they're close. Her draft name in Azores was "Dana I want Will to win" and I remember that because I had to read it like ten times to finally understand what it said

Zach: I love Zach so much and he's my number one ally despite me not like telling him about either one of Ali or Duncan's idols lmao. Ugh I just love Zach so much and I trust him with ??? MY LIFE????? I'd go to rocks for him I love him. He's so honest with me (I think) and I just love him omgjdklfjaskldflasd god I love Zach he's great he's so sweet I can tell we're going to stay friends after this which is my favorite thing about him!! AHHHHH!! 

Well this confession was super long and I started it around 3:00 and I'm just now submitting it (7:27 PM lol)

Charlotte becomes the 8th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 7-0 vote. You can see Charlotte’s preseason interview here.