#I’ve just worked the last 4 days and have had major shit happen on all 4 of them

[sibellaa]

Third day in a row I’ve been called into work on a day off, fourth day in a row some fuck shits happened. Universe is doing its damndest to make me smoke again.

[0kayblue]

Need You

Need You 

You and Leon have been a little more than friends with benefits for awhile and he struggles with what he wants it to be. 

Word count: 3k (almost 4) 

Mentions of alcohol, slightly possessive Leon, over protective Leon, angst, fluff (??kinda??), happy ending, not proofread very well if it all.

A/N: HELLO!! How are you all doing? Good I hope. I’ve been gone for more than a hot minute. It took me a lot longer than what I thought it would to get back into the groove of things. With that being said, this is not that great. Kinda boring, but hey, sometimes things are boring. This is just kind of to get me in the groove of uploading and writing again. 

Part three and request are in the works. They are coming!! I just need a little practice before I start actually going at it again. 

With all my heart, I hope you are having a fantastic day!! Enjoy!! 

Time had never moved so slow as Leon anxiously bounced his leg underneath the cheap break room table. His tired eyes glanced to the clock and then back down to the untouched styrofoam cup of coffee. 

Leon hated a lot of things about his job, but at this moment debriefing was his least favorite. He detested having to explain everything that happened on missions before he officially had time to process how they happened to him. Not that he ever truly enjoyed thinking about the things he had to do in order to survive, but he liked to have an understanding on why he did this or that. Why he chose to go left instead of right. 

He had just spent nearly three days fighting his way through the deep Rocky Mountains; B.O.W’s at every turn, and he didn’t even get the information he was expected to return with. The whole thing was a waste of his damn time. He was sent to follow a lead that only set the operation two steps back and whatever up and coming supervillain, or want to be Umbrella Corporation, or extremist cult one leap forward. All while defense was wounded and information scrounged for a thread to pull to loosen the seam on the shit show they were currently trying to clean up. 

He was annoyed and beyond frustrated with everything. On top of the emotional stress he also was not in the best shape physically- it wasn’t anything major all things considered- but, broken ribs, internal bruising and external bruising causing almost his whole torso to be a  deep purple almost gray hue, and the bandaged up gashes on his limbs and slight cuts on his face only kept adding straws to the camel's back. He felt like it was only a matter of time before he snapped, he felt like he could only sit here for a few seconds more before he stormed out the door and out of this damn stale sterile building that was too clean. 

He took a deep breath before adjusting himself to sit up straight in the deep blue plastic chair. As he exhaled he closed his eyes and saw the face he’s seen behind his eyelids since he landed, desperate to see it in person. To touch the soft warm flesh of someone he could never get enough of, regardless of the fact that he tried so hard not to get addicted to. Each hit of you more potent than the last, each high allowing him to forget for a little longer, each graze of his skin against yours permitting him to daydream of a life he has always ached for. Even if you didn’t long for the same things he did, he saw you with everything he had ever wanted. It was cruel and yet he continued to do it to himself. 

He had bought you a burner phone with his number and his alone. You were not to use the phone for anything other than to communicate with him. He had asked you to carry it with you at all times, lying and saying he didn’t bug it. He told you that with his line of work that it would make your meetings more secure, that it would keep you off the radar. In a lapse of poor judgment you took the phone and him up on his proposal to make him an official fuck buddy. Who could blame you? It was a scene  straight out of a movie and boosted your ego. It made you feel special that someone so important took such an interest in someone like you. Someone who lived such an exhaustingly normal life. It kept you on cloud nine for at least a week and a half after receiving it. 

It was a purely physical relationship that didn’t require any emotional attachment regardless of the deep emotions that sunk into the both of you too quickly for comfort. Each rendezvous lasted longer than the previous one. Him staying at your place for days, while you both interacted like domesticated adults. Not quite like a married couple, not as casual as friends, and nowhere near as uptight as roommates; it was such an odd relationship, but it wasn’t  uncomfortable. Oftentimes by the end of his stay he left you with more questions than answers. Your knowledge of his life was barley skin deep and you were left to piece it together from fragments he dropped you. 

He on the other hand knew everything about you. He couldn’t help himself. All your information was at his fingertips; your past, your present, and a vague idea of your future. In hindsight he should have left it alone and maybe if he did he wouldn’t be stuck in this current predicament. Maybe wouldn’t be digging in his pocket for the phone that held only one contact number, a phone number that he had memorized even though he shouldn’t have. He leaned forward in the chair as he typed only two words. 

‘Need you.’

He didn’t think about the impact they could have, he didn’t think of the weight they carried, he just sent the message. Not a part of him even considering the fact that you would think it was the truth. He needed you. Rather you are below him or watching some low brow television show that networks pumped out to dumb down the population. He just needed you within reach, he needed the comfort of your presence to ease the buzzing of the world he lived in. 

He sat the phone on the table as he crossed his arms and sat back, anxiously awaiting a reply. He didn’t get a chance to glance at the clock before the phone buzzed against the table. 

‘Busy.’ 

The message read and he couldn’t help but to scoff as his hand ran through freshly washed damp hair. 

‘With what?’ 

He asked in his reply as he sent it. His jaw tightening in annoyed agitation. What part of need did you not understand? He took a deep breath and reminded himself of the nature of the relationship. As he went to follow up his demanding question with a meeting time and place the break room door opened and he shoved the phone back into his pocket. 

“Mr.Kennedy,” A rather thin man with tired eyes and a disheveled navy blue suit sighed out, “I’m sorry, we know you are exhausted, we just have a few more questions. Can you stay for another thirty minutes? No more, no less.”  

Leon forced a polite smile as he stood, “Lead the way.” 

“Thank you so much, Mr. Kennedy.” 

“Please, call me Leon.” Leon insisted as he took the door from the man and just like that he followed the man down the hall and into an elevator; leaving behind a hot cup of coffee to grow cold on a cheap linoleum covered piece of wood where it would eventually be washed down the drain by night janitorial staff. 

It had been an hour since Leon set foot in that room and not much of anything had come out of his answers. He was out of the building now and almost free as his hand found the handle of his car door, but a buzz in his pants pocket caused him to let go of it immediately. As he unlocked the phone he noticed he was left with a voice memo and not a message, which he found odd but not alarming. He couldn’t help but to smile, ready to hear your voice. He pressed play and heard the hustling of feet and an unrecognizable song in the background. 

“She said she was busy, Le-on. Take a hint.” 

A low masculine voice came out of the speaker as he gripped the phone. He pulled it away from his ear with a snarl as he looked at the phone screen. It took every fiber of his being to not shatter the phone right there; it took every remaining ounce of sanity that he had to not let this red hot anger consume him. This little voice in his head pleaded for him to think rationally. 

He opened the car door and slammed it shut behind him as he got in, it was a miracle the car door window didn’t break from the force. He was quick to pull up your location and an airy laugh left him as he knew the location too well. A dive bar on the outskirts of the city, the same exact bar he had found you in. It was tragically comical. 

He didn’t bother with a seat belt as he backed out of his parking spot and hit the gas and drove off after you. The speed limit was a mere suggestion as city lights passed him just as quickly as they appeared. He was livid as his knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel. He was angry. He was angry that you had the audacity to be out with someone at the bar that he met you at. He was furious that you were busy with some asshole who had the nerve to address him by his first name. He was livid that he didn’t just leave work and go to you as soon as he landed. He was heartbroken because even though he was lost in this haze of consuming rage he had no right to feel this way. You weren’t his, but he was yours. 

As Leon quickly pulled into the parking lot he parked his car with no regard to the faded white lines that were supposed to indicate parking spots. He left the car running as he slammed the car door shut, making a bigger scene than the screeching sound his tires made against the asphalt when he parked. He could feel the eyes of smokers burning a hole in his frame as he took quick strides to the front doors of the bar. 

“Nice ride-.” A voice started but was cut off by the beep of Leon locking the car. Normally Leon would nod politely, but he didn’t bother to spare a glance to whoever made the comment. His brows furrowed and a glare that could kill adorning his face as he stepped into the warm bar. 

“Hey!” Zack yelled, the bartender was shouting as Leon watched him scurry from behind the bar and over to a crowded table. Men and some women of varying ages were crowded around the table cheering. “Give that back! How did you even-?” Zack tried to reason as some guy held him back from the table. Leon proceeded with some caution as he approached Zack. 

“Let it go, buddy. He’ll give it right back and pay for the shots as soon as he’s done.” A stranger said as he tried to keep Zack back. “He’ll even pay extra if this chick handles her liquor the way she says she can.”

That got Leon’s attention faster as he pushed his way closer to the front of the table. His eyes locked on your frame laying on the tabletop with your head leaning off the end as another guy poured vodka down your throat. 

“Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!” The man screamed before putting the bottle to his mouth and taking a shot straight from the bottle.

Your laugh rang through the bar as you began to try and sit up, but the man was quicker than you were as he bent down to meet you, his arm wrapping around your shoulders to keep you in place. His lips graze yours as he spit his shot into your mouth. Your throat burning as you tried to push him off of you. For a second you thought your weak  effort was successful as his lips left yours, but when you gained some composure you heard the shattering of glass and saw people back away quickly from the table. 

“Get the fuck off of her!” A voice yelled, that voice, you knew that voice all too well. You sat up as your eyes found Leon’s frame. His shoulders tense as they fell up and down with his labored breathing. His fist clenched and jaw tightened as he threatened in a deep low growl, “Touch her again and I’ll break your fucking spine.” He was in no condition to fight, he was barely standing. He was utterly exhausted and his limbs ached, but the angry adrenaline that coursed through his veins kept him upright.

“Leon.” You dryly got out as you sat up on the table. You repeated his name but he didn’t even glance in your direction. 

“Leon? Jesus Christ. Look, she already-.” The man spoke and Leon recognized the voice immediately from the voice message. Leon’s eyes darkened with rage as he looked at this pathetic excuse of a man. 

Busy. 

“Where is her phone?” Leon asked as he roughly grabbed the man by his shirt collar, “Where is her damn phone?” 

“Here, here! Take it!” The man shook as he pulled the phone out of his pocket and handed it to Leon. Leon snatched it from his hand before pushing the man roughly to the ground. Leon towered over him as the man shook, Leon’s unbridled rage causing the bar to grow freezing cold. 

“Stay away from her.” Leon turned from the man and his gaze softened only slightly as it landed on you. Your eyes locked with his for only a moment before he avoided your gaze and approached you. His hand found your arm as he helped you off of the table. He wrapped an arm around your waist as the crowd parted like the Red Sea. All eyes were on the both of you as you walked out of the bar. 

“I can take it from here.” You said agitated as you tried to push yourself away from Leon. 

“I don’t care. I’m taking you home.” Leon said as he unlocked his car. That aggression he felt still resting on the tip of his tongue. He opens the passenger door and with a deep sigh you get in his car. After he just opened the door you took a deep breath before running your hand through your hair. A bottomless pit settled in your stomach before you sat back against the seat. 

“Seatbelt.” You heard him say as he got in the car, pulling you out of your thoughts. You compiled as he started to drive out of the parking lot and turned right out of the parking lot. 

You raise an eyebrow before looking at him and confusingly confront him, “You were supposed to turn left.” 

“I said I’m taking you home. I know where I’m going.” Leon glared ahead and for once wished you wouldn’t say a damn word. He was heated. 

“How did you know where I was?” 

“Can you not ask questions right now?” 

“No, because you’re freaking me out. First, you know where to find me and second, you hook a right when you know my place is left. Where are we going?” You stated in a matter of fact tone as you crossed your arms. You could tell he was angry, but you didn’t care because you were angry too. You never disclosed your location to him, he nearly started a fight, and he continued to treat you like you were something more to him regardless of the fact that he made it clear that you would never be anything more. 

“My place. It’s closer and I’m too tired to drive further than what I have too.” He admitted as he sent you a quick glance. 

“Your place?” You rolled your eyes, “You’re telling me that your place is closer and we’ve spent all this time at mine?” 

“Yeah.” Leon sighed with irritation. 

“How is that fair? How is it fair that you know all this shit about me, but I know nothing about you?” You asked flat out and annoyed. Normally after going an extended time without seeing Leon you didn’t ask any questions, you just tended to him until he was ready to talk. He loved that about you, you never pushed him. Leon grunted knowing that it was the alcohol and a mix of unconfronted emotions made you bold. 

“We talked about this-.”

“Yeah, we did, but you tracking my location wasn’t in that conversation.” Leon took his eyes off the road as the car came to a stop at a stoplight and he looked at you. He opened his mouth to speak, to defend himself, but you cut him off. “Cut the shit, I know it’s a bugged phone. I had it looked at and your sudden appearance tonight only proved it.” 

“It’s only bugged for your protection.” Leon got out through gritted teeth. 

“My protection? What the fuck are you even talking about? If anything it’s so you can keep your whores straight and away from your wife.” You spit at him with venom. You knew Leon wasn’t the type of guy to run around town like that, he was a one woman type of guy. You were just angry and confused at why you would be enough to protect but not enough to be his. 

Leon’s face turned up in pained disgust and he went to say something, but the blaring of a car horn called his attention back to the road and a green light. You huffed as you turned away from him and he continued to drive onward to his place. 

The rest of the car ride was silent, giving you time to feel bad about what you said and how you said it. Your face falling and your anger simmering out as your eyes felt heavy with the weight of fresh tears threatening to spill. You refused to cry though as you sniffed and he pulled into his driveway.

A two story house that was too big for just him, but old enough for you to believe that it was a house that was left to him in some family members' will. Or he could’ve bought it himself easily with the way you’ve seen him treat money; like it was something that grew on trees. He was a complete and utter mystery to you and it drove you insane that you could still fall for someone who you knew so little about. At this point you were more mad at yourself than you were at him. You knew of his interests and hobbies, his likes and dislikes, you saw his heart; but you didn’t have a clue about his day to day life. It was like he existed only to you and no one else. No criminal record, no traceable family; he seemed to have nothing. All you had were snippets of an article about Raccoon City that left you with more questions than answers. 

“Don’t worry, the wife’s not home.” Leon muttered through gritted teeth and you winced as he got out of the car. You went and got out of the car alongside him as you followed closely behind him. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He opened the front door and you followed him in, shutting and locking it behind you. Your body now shaking as his focus remained straight ahead. He was so cold and you knew you deserved it. “I know that’s not you. I just…” you hesitated as you could feel your throat beginning to clog, knowing that your voice was going to waver and your next words were going to come out broken if you didn’t get a grip. 

“I’ve got a guest room, but I haven’t found time to clean it out so there is a bunch of junk and shit in there. You can take my bed and I’ll take the guest room.” Your heart broke, thinking he didn’t even want to be near you and you couldn’t blame him.

“I think we should call this off.” Your voice still broke as you said it and Leon quickly turned to you. His gaze softened immediately as soon as he saw your big glassy doe eyes. He stood frozen as his heart shattered. He was losing you and it wasn’t to some unforeseen force, he did this. His refusal to let you in completely had pushed you away. 

Leon was a fighter, it was his job. He stood up for what was right, he fought for people who couldn’t fight for themselves, he fought so people who weren’t fighters never had too. But did he ever fight for his own selfish desires? At the end of the day was he willing to fight for the first good thing he’s had in his life for a while? At the bar he was ready. He was ready to push his exhaustion aside and fight the object that stood between him and you; but now? Fighting you, the person he desired the most. 

“Look, it’s not anything personal…I just…this isn’t working for me.” You nervously blabbered out, the silence killing you. You took a deep breath as your hands found your hips, “I mean the Pretty Women aspect of it was fun, I had fun. I don’t know, I guess, I mean…” you stumbled over your own words. 

“Alright.” He said and you looked away from him as your arms wrapped around yourself trying to comfort yourself. The floodgates of your tears threatening to spill as your eyes darted around the room. 

“Okay. Good. I’ll sleep on the couch and grab a cab and be gone before the sun comes up.” You voice low as you head to the couch but Leon catches you by your elbow. The sudden connection of your bare skin against the palm of his hand sends a chill up his spine.

“I want to start again. I want to make it right.” He said as he slowly looked at you, his own eyes glassy. You study his face now and how exhausted he looked. “I’ll tell you everything. Let me start over. Let me make it right.” Your brows knitted together as you relaxed slightly and your other hand cupped his cheek. Tears fell from your eyes as you stifled a pained groan. “Please.” He begged and how could you say no?

Your lips found him in a hesitant kiss that he returned with desperation. The moment your lips sparked against his he was ready to fight again. His hand trailed down your arm and before it found your waist. He pulled you close to him as your arms wrapped around his neck. Sweet desperate kisses turned into feverishly hungry ones.

“Need you.” He admitted softly against your lips; hoping that you understood. Hoping that the feeling was returned. Hoping that right now that he said enough, that those two words meant enough. As you melted against him he knew that you understood. 

For the first time in a long time Leon was ready to give his all to something besides work. 

[multifandomfanficss]

Home Is Wherever You Are P1

Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader

With a very heavy emphasis on platonic!Christopher Smith/Peacemaker

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

Adrian Chase Masterlist

Prompt: You jump in front of an explosive device to protect Adrian from the blast and end up getting separated from him with no way back.

Warnings: mentions of trafficking, mentions of child abuse, panic, meltdown, crying, divorce, mentions of August Smith, cannon typical Peacemaker violence and language

A/N: In July I started cooking up a new idea with the help of my friend @countlambula and what was originally meant to be a 2 parter moved to a 4 parter and somehow I ended with 7 parts?! Not quite sure how that happened! I’m very excited to share what I spent a huge part of my summer working on. I hope you guys enjoy!! Also despite the main ship being Adrian x Reader there is A LOT of platonic!Chris content in this fic so I really do hope Chris fans can read and enjoy this! I loved getting into the thick of Chris’ backstory for this! All of the 11th Street Kids have their own importance in this series, but it is very Adrian and Chris centric. Please enjoy!!

“I love you.” You sighed in relaxation, smiling as you were gently woken up by your boyfriend.

“Well somebody has to.” Adrian joked.

“Shut up!” You lightly hit him on the chest, laughing.

“Never.” He smiles, kissing you. You could look at his beautiful, infectious smile for hours. Your phones both buzz at the same time, an indication that it’s probably a text in the 11th Street Kids chat because you both got it.

“Didn’t we just get home from a mission?” You groan.

“There’s no time to rest for super badass super cool heroes, babe.” Adrian kisses you on the cheek quickly before getting out of bed.

“Okay, but if we have to pair up there is no way in hell I’m going with Chris again. Last time he told me I looked like his sexy babysitter growing up. Like who the fuck says that? Our lives aren’t some shitty porno and it’s almost like he doesn’t even give a fuck that we’re dating.” You sigh.

“Yeah he constantly tells me that you’re way out of my league. I think his exact words were I’m in little league and you’re on major leagues, but I don’t know. I was never on the bowling team.”

“I think he meant baseball, honey.” You smile at him, finding his little knowledge of sports cute.

“That might actually make more sense with his home run and base metaphors! It took me way too long to figure out what that shit meant. Why can’t people just say what they mean?” He questions.

“Because they’re trying too hard to sound smart. I think sometimes not saying things they actually mean, but understanding that’s not exactly what they meant makes them feel smarter. They don’t know lots of facts like you do and they definitely can’t come up with intricate strategies either.” You smile at him, taking his hand in yours. You watch his smile grow, but there’s something more behind his eyes. He seems moved.

“How do you always do that?” He asks.

“What?”

“How do you always make me feel so smart and validated?” He clarifies.

“Because you are smart. You’re a hell of a lot smarter than Chris and if anyone gave you a second and actually listened to you, they’d realize that. You helped save the world last year. There’s no way they could have done that without you. If it weren’t for you, Chris’ dad probably would have killed him that day, honestly.” As you speak Adrian starts to realize.

“I tried to tell Peacemaker about the gaps in the armor, but he didn’t listen.” He reminds you.

“Well that’s because he’s too deep in his own bullshit to see past it. He should have listened to you, but this isn’t just about him being stubborn. I don’t think most people would have noticed such a small detail like that. Give yourself some credit.” You kiss him again.

“You know you’re like everything to me right? I’ve never felt this way about a person before. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had feelings for other people, but like…it’s like I just never fit in as a kid. I just kinda felt like an alien who crash landed here as a baby and I know I’m not, but I just didn’t feel human. You make me feel human.” He’s giving you that look he gives people when he’s worried he’s said something a little too out of pocket or strange.

“I get what you mean. It’s almost like we were made for each other. We’re each other’s rocks…wait does that sound too cheesy?” You look at him, blushing.

“No! I love rocks! I had a rock collection when I was a little kid!” You giggle at how cute he is.

“Me too! My mom would find rocks in the machine every time she did laundry because I would stuff my pockets!” You tell him and you both laugh. Then your phones go off again, interrupting your good morning. You sigh. “Harcourt’s gonna kill us if we’re late.” You kiss him one more time before getting out of bed and heading to the shower.

“Let her kill us.” He laughs, smirking, following you to the shower.

Several hours later you found yourself sneaking through a warehouse. You didn’t quite know what to expect, you just knew a lot of people had gone missing at the hands of this guy. You figured maybe they were being killed off or trafficked. If you knew what you know now maybe you would have done things differently. Maybe you wouldn’t have even done them at all. You wished you were at home with Adrian. Adrian. You may never see him again…

You were running after the guy when he pulled a grenade on you. Adrian had survived a grenade once, but you didn’t think he would survive again. You on the other hand were testing out new armor from ARGUS that could probably withstand the blast, so you did what anyone would do for the person they love the most. You pushed him out of the way. Your ears were ringing and everything was so bright. You think you hear Adrian and maybe some of your other teammates screaming your name, but you’re not sure. Suddenly you’re on the ground, but the ground is different… you try to open your eyes, but they’re still strained from the bright light and now you feel lightheaded and nauseous. You black out.

You wake up to arms shaking you.

“Adrian?” You question in a whiney tone. You open your eyes to find a construction worker looking over you.

“I don’t know who that is. What even happened to you?“ You blinked a couple times, moving around slowly, getting your bearings. “You’re in my construction site for the new factory warehouse that’s going up. What happened? Did you slip down the dirt mound and hit your head?”

“I- I must have…” Your voice trails off as you try to make sense of everything.

“This is going to be so much paperwork.” The worker sighs.

“I’m sorry… what town am I in?” You ask.

“Evergreen, Washington.”

“I don’t remember there being any big construction sites like this recently.” You try to think of any signs indicating any recent work sites.

“We just broke ground yesterday. I’m surprised you didn’t see it on the news.” The worker helps you up.

“I don’t tend to watch the news. My boyfriend thinks it’s depressing. I usually get my news elsewhere, but I’ve been a little busy to read up on it in the past few days.” You smile at the worker, thinking of Adrian.

“Like the newspaper?” He asks.

“No, online.”

“On what? You wait in line?”

“No… like the internet…” You give him a confused smile.

“Oh, I don’t mess with that new stuff. I don’t want robots in my house, stealing my information. You young people always just want things faster, faster, faster.” You tried to refrain from giving the man an odd look. He’s probably from one of the more rural areas. You knew how radically conservative Evergreen could be at first hand, having met Chris’ dad and been told stories of how he grew up. You were just happy Chris’ dad was dead. As awful as that sounds you’d hate to run into him.

“Yeah…” You give a nervous laugh. “Well thank you, but I should probably head out before your supervisor notices.” You quickly excuse yourself, walking down the street. You pulled out your phone, but had no service, so you put it away. That’s odd. Usually there’s dead zones in town, but you didn’t think it was this bad. As you walk down the street you see a beautiful vintage car parked by the side of the road. It’s in pretty good condition.

“I love your vintage car! What year is it?” You ask the woman getting out of it.

“What this clunker? I got it from my parents. It’s only an 81, but I guess it’s getting old now. It’s got tons of miles on it. They just got a new car, so they gave me their old one.” She says, locking her door.

“They didn’t wanna keep it?” You ask in shock.

“Why would they? It’s old.” You look at her in confusion before she excuses herself to walk into the grocery store. Guess some people just don’t know the value of collectibles.

Today has been fucking weird. How did you even end up in that construction site anyway? You must have gone for a walk this morning and fell in, but it’s a little alarming you don’t remember. You could walk home, but it’s just so far. You walk into a nearby corner store hopping they have wifi to connect to. You couldn’t call Adrian without service, but maybe if you could get wifi you could get him a message to come pick you up or you could order an Uber.

You walked into the building and made your way up to the counter. “Hi, do you have wifi here?” You ask.

“No, sorry we don’t sell that.” The teenage cashier dismisses you and goes back to the pad of paper they’re doodling on.

“Okay… do you know anywhere near here that has wifi?” You ask.

“I don’t even know what wifi is. I could call the hardware store and see if they have some.” They look at you like you’re the stupid one.

“What do you mean call the hardware store?”

“We have a phone behind the counter.”

“How do you not know what wifi is? Wireless internet?” You stare at them, losing your mind a bit.

“You think we have a computer here? This is Evergreen. Half the town is poor as shit. You’re not gonna find a computer in a gas station. Go to the library. They just got another one.” The teenager rolls their eyes at you.

“Can I at least use your phone?” You ask, trying to keep your patients with the idiot in front of you. How do they not know what wifi is?

“You have to use the pay phone next door. My boss said this is a business only phone.”

“The pay phone… What is this? 1985? I didn’t even know pay phones still existed.”

“Well some of us again can’t afford a cellphone. Not to mention, my mom says they fuck with your brain.” They roll their eyes again.

“It’s the 21st century who cares what their mother says? Practically everyone has a phone?” You give them a strange look.

“I don’t know what you smoked before you walked in here, but you’re still half a decade away from the 21st century.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” You look at them dumbfounded before it all starts to register. The comments about the internet being new, no wifi, no cellphones, the vintage car. You feel your ears start to ring as your eyes begin to tear up. You feel like you’re underwater. You take off, booking it down several blocks. You’re out of breath and you have a cramp, but you don’t care. You keep running. You’re sweating, but you keep running. You can taste metal in your mouth, but you keep running. You keep going. You have to. Finally you reach it. You stand in front of the building, catching your breath as you watch people walk in and out of Henelotter Video. Your heart is in your throat.

“No…” You look at it and begin to cry in shock at what was once your headquarters… or you guess what will one day be… That day hasn’t come yet. You walk over to a newspaper box and grab a free local paper. You see the date says August 31st, 1994. Fuck. You drop the paper, rushing to the back of the building. You collapse on the ground against the back wall of a building that should feel more familiar to you than it is. You remember now. The grenade must have been some sort of weaponized time travel. The people weren’t being killed or trafficked. They were being displaced in time. You sob quietly, not trying to cause a scene. This wasn’t supposed to be this way.

You lean against the building staring out at the parking lot, the parking lot where you shared your first kiss with Adrian. You had just gotten back from a mission that he was a little too reckless on and you needed to tell him how you felt in case you never got the chance again. You look over at the dumpster, clean of the graffiti it will one day be littered with. That was the dumpster he was hiding behind when you first met him as Vigilante.

Adrian… You may never get to see your perfect boyfriend again. He was by no means actually perfect, but he was perfect to you. He was your personal version of perfect and you knew you’d never find anyone else like him again. Now you may never see him again…

You cry until it starts to grow dark. You wonder about what you’ll do. Anything you do could change the future. What if changing the future makes it so you never meet Adrian or what if you change something and it branches off into a different future and you get stuck away from him in a parallel universe? You’re not a time travel scientist. Anything could fucking happen! The only thing you do know is that you’re alone and it’s getting dark. If you’re getting your timeline right, Chris’ dad would be coming out soon with his awful fucking army and you knew if they tried to fight you, you wouldn’t be able to take all of them on your own. They rule the streets in these years. You pull out your wallet from your pocket to find you have enough money to at least go get dinner. Your debit card won’t work, but you have just enough cash. You head to Fennel Fields because you knew it would probably be the only consistent thing left in town. You just wanted something familiar.

As you’re seated, an overwhelmed waitress rushes past you saying “I’ll be right with you!”

“Take your time. I practically have all the time in the world… like 30 years of time…” You whisper the last part under your breath. The overworked waitress runs back to you and apologizes.

“Hi, my name is Diane. Can I get you something to drink?” You want to order a soda, but decide against it to save money.

“Uh… I guess water will have to be fine.”

“You don’t look so sure. It’s free refills.” She smiles at you.

“I- I’m okay…” You stutter, tired. You could really use the caffeine, but shouldn’t.

“Well if you could have any pop in the machine which one would you pick?” She asks.

“I’m really fine with water…” You laugh nervously.

“Just humor me.” She smiles at you.

“Uh…maybe a Diet Coke…” You smile shyly at her. She leaves and comes back with a Diet Coke.

“On the house.” She smiles at you again. Something about her is so comforting.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly-“

“Take it. You look like you’ve had a long day. I know I have.” She smiles at you.

“You’re very kind.” You smile back, taking a sip, letting the cool bubbly liquid trickle down your throat, which is sore from crying.

“Now what are we doing for food?” She asks.

“Uh…I’m gonna be really honest with you. I know most restaurants won’t let you order a kids meal if you’re over 12, but I’m really tight on cash, so I was hoping to maybe get the chicken tenders and fries?” You try your luck and she gives you another comforting smile.

“Great choice. I’ll go have the kitchen whip it up.” She walks away without any other questions.

You stay and eat at the restaurant for a while. Even long after you’re done, you stay and enjoy more free refills just so you’re not out on the streets.

“You know we’re technically closed right?” Your waitress, Diane asks.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I’ll leave…” You start to collect your things as she begins to sit at your booth with a bin of silverware and some napkins.

“No, please stay. Mind if I join you?” She asks.

“Um…no.” You smile. “I don’t mind at all.” Truth be told you loved Diane. She had such a comfortable, familiar air around her. Even in all of this chaos, she felt like someone you could trust. She starts rolling silverware as you sip on your drink.

“So what’s your story? Are you running or were you kicked out?” She asks.

“What?” You look at her confused.

“You just look scared and tired and like you’re not quite sure what to do. It’s none of my business, but you just look like you need someone on your side is all.” She smiles again, hoping she didn’t overstep.

“Why were you so kind to me? I walked into this restaurant with thirteen dollars to my name and you didn’t even roll an eye at me.” You question her.

“Just doing what I think is right, I suppose. It’s been hard for me too lately. My husband just left, so I picked up this second job to make sure my kids will be alright.” You shoot her a sympathetic look.

“Um…kicked out…I guess….” You open up. Being exiled from your time period is sort of like being kicked out.

“Do you have anywhere to go?” She asks. You shake your head silently. She finishes rolling the last bit of silverware before standing up and putting the bin behind the counter nearby.

“Let’s go. I’m taking you home with me.” She smiles.

“Oh, no! I- I couldn’t possibly-“

“Yes, you can and you will. I’m a mother. I’m not going to let a young adult with nowhere to go and no money sleep on the streets.” She cuts you off. She couldn’t be too much older than you, but clearly motherhood had aged her.

“You don’t even know my name!” You protest.

“What’s your name?” She asks.

“Rey” You panicked. It was the first name to come to your head. You and Adrian had watched Star Wars yesterday.

“Well then, Rey, let’s go home.” She insists.

“I can’t just stay in your house. That’d be rude.” You continue to debate.

“Then work for me.” She says.

“What?” You question her.

“I’ve been wanting to hire a nanny, but haven’t been able to afford one. If you come stay at my place, while you’re there you could watch the boys when I’m at work and in return you would have a roof over your head and food to eat. It sounds like a win-win situation.” She proposes. It isn’t a bad idea. You worry doing just about anything else would have an insane impact on the timeline. How much could one family affect everything?

“Are you sure about this?” You ask.

“More than sure. There’s something about you. You just seem…right.” She tells you. You smile.

“Okay…let’s go home then I guess…” you say as you follow her out of the restaurant. On the drive home she tells you about her kids.

“I have two kids…officially…” She starts.

“What do you mean officially?” You ask as you watch the passing streetlights illuminate her face.

“Well my son’s friend is always over, so more often than not it’ll probably be three boys. I let him sleepover a lot even though he’s a handful because every time he sleeps at home he comes back the next day with bruises. I can’t do anything about it because…well…that’s just how the town is…I think if I said anything things would just get worse, so I keep my mouth shut and put out an extra table setting for supper.” Her hands tighten on the steering wheel as she speaks.

“That’s so awful. I’ll never be able to understand parents who do that to their kids.” You sigh.

“Me either. If anyone laid a finger on either of my boys I’d kill them.” Most moms would be exaggerating, but you saw fire behind her eyes. You knew she loved her kids and she wasn’t fucking around. When you get home and walk inside you see a toddler with tight brown curls running around the living room in nothing, but a diaper.

“Dorian?!” Diane yells through the house. She catches the giggling toddler who has food on his face.

“Dorian Gut Chase! I told you your brother had to be in bed by 8!” Diane starts to scold her son who could be heard from the other room playing video games. Oh fuck.

“I’m sorry. Can you please hold Adrian. I don’t want him getting into anything else before bed and it seems like Dorian and Chris are upstairs killing aliens on the Super Nintendo instead of watching him, which is why I need a nanny in the first place.” She shoves Adrian in your hands. Holy fuck.

“Hi.” You hold him stiffly in your hands.

“I’m Adrian! I’m three!” He tells you just about the only thing every toddler is trained to say upon meeting a new person, shoving 3 fingers in your face.

“I know.” You say back. That’s probably not what you’re supposed to tell a three year old when they introduce themselves, but it’s not like he’ll remember anyway. You’re too in shock to care.

“What’s- what’s- what is your name?” He asks, stuttering out the words, obviously new to keeping up conversations.

“Rey, could you bring Adrian upstairs to help get him ready for bed please?” Diane calls and you remember you told her your name was Rey. Fuck if only baby Adrian could catch the joke in all of this. This is so weird on so many levels.

“I’m Rey, I guess, and we’re going upstairs now.” You tell him.

“Is it bedtime?” He asks.

“Um yeah. You’re up a little late, bud.”

“It’s not late!” He protests in his squeaky voice.

“What makes you think it’s not late?” You ask, as you walk up the stairs.

“I’m not tired!” He says.

“What time do you think it is?” You ask.

“Um 2- 2- 27” He giggles.

“That’s not a time!” You laugh at him, pretending to almost drop him. He breaks out into a fit of giggles. You had almost forgotten who you were holding.

“You’re really good with him. It’s almost like you’re a natural. He’s usually not this happy with strangers. He loves you!” She says, pleasantly surprised. If only somebody else could see the irony in the situation. Freud would love to be a fly on the way during all of this.

“Oh…uh…thanks.” You smile, as Adrian situates himself in your arms, hugging you closely. You would do anything to have Adrian back. Well this is sort of Adrian, but… you wish you had the older version. You wanted your Adrian back.

“I’ll take him from here.” Diane offers. “Check out the guest room. It’s the one at the end of the hall.” She says, taking Adrian from you.

“Thank you. You’ve been really kind.” You smile at her.

“It’s no trouble. You’re doing me a favor.”

You bid your goodnights and head to the guest room. You sit on the bed and think for a moment. This is so fucked up on so many levels. Forget about how you could fuck up the timeline… How are you gonna fuck up your boyfriend?! Not to mention, what kind of fucking ethics are involved in nannying your future boyfriend? He’s fucking three! He’s impressionable! On one hand this is weird, but on the other hand it might be your smartest move. Free room, free food, and you know how Adrian, Gut, and Chris’ lives are supposed to play out, so maybe you can stick to the script of your own timeline a little easier. This might be the easiest way to change as little as possible. You sigh, flopping onto the bed. You pull out your phone. The battery is only half charged and you have no way of charging it, but you don’t care. You need him. You pull up a picture of him that you took this morning in the van on your way to the warehouse, as tears come to your eyes. You open your voicemails and play one he left for you the other day.

“Hey babe, it’s me. I’m just calling because I know you had a bad day today and I was thinking maybe I could bring takeout home from the restaurant and we could just have a movie night? I just wanted to know if you were feeling chicken parm or meatballs or if you wanted to just scratch dinners and have me bring home a pizza. Just call me back when you get this. I’m really proud of you- uh…not that I’m not always proud of you. I’m like totally proud of you all the time and I’m rambling again and this voicemail is about to be like 10 years long, so uh bye I love you.” As soon as the voicemail ended you played it again, letting your tears fall freely. After you’re sure everyone is asleep you sneak into toddler Adrian’s room to check on him. He’s fast asleep in his bed. You let your silent tears continue to fall. He starts to move in his sleep. He seems distraught like he could be having a nightmare.

“It’s okay. I’m gonna take really good care of you, just like how you always take really good care of me.” You put on a teary eyed smile, giving him a kiss on the top of his head and adjusting his fallen blanket to cover him better. He seems to look more comfortable now. He stays fast asleep as you sneak back to the guest room for the night.

[ilguna]

this is gonna be a rant about my life lately and how stressed out i’ve been

i know it’s been a while, i’ll get on track with writing and then eventually fall off. with june, i started working more because my birthday trip was coming up, and since then, i’ve been busy because im gonna visit family in washington this month (july).

ever since i came back from my birthday, i have had nothing but anxiety over everything that’s been happening.

some information for everyone: i work in a restaurant. i work FOH (host, togo, bussing, expo, serving). when i met my boyfriend back in november, it’s because he started working BOH (kitchen). he’s worked for this company before, it’s just been a while. and he worked at a different location. he’s a couple years older than me.

him and i started talking at the end of january, started dating on valentine’s day. he made a major mistake a couple days later, and it’s typically what people break up over. i decided to stay with him. but i made the decision after everyone at the restaurant found out. i practically didn’t tell anyone, it was my cousin who told people, that found out before me. my cousin is/was friends with the girl that told her.

i have made my decision to stay with him, i have made that explicitly clear. my close friends (4 of them) were all against it at first, but since then, 2 of them have officially come around and aren’t actively seeking out trouble for him. 1 of them is on the fence. the last 1 has promised that she will never like him and will not make an effort.

she told me this in february, and i thought i could handle her, and that she might even change her mind, but she’s not going anywhere. i had a conversation with her towards the middle of may trying to tell her that she’s making me uncomfortable and im becoming avoidant (no contact = out of mind). she didn’t offer any peace of mind at all.

my birthday trip comes around, we’re good. i had a lot of fun in vegas. then comes the following weekend, she (difficult friend) was bartending, i was her cocktail. and 2/3 separate times, one of the male servers that have been here for like 10+ years comes over to talk shit about my boyfriend.

tidbit: my boyfriend has since become a manager (at the end of february) and the GM/AGM were good with it. i’ve been here for 3 years, the GM knew him from location 1. she didn’t see an issue.

which involves another female server, who he’s ALSO known from location 1. she was asking him to cut the floor, she did it in a way that was rude, and she’s known for being like that. he called her disrespectful for it. i guess she told the male server, because that friday he came into the bar, told the friend bartender, and then said “i bet he beats women”.

i was upset, and i took it to the GM. i stayed out of the bar for the rest of the night until she finally cut me. GM talked to the male server about it, he denied it. GM talked to the female server that was disrespectful, nothing really came of it. since then, several people in the restaurant have been referring to him as a woman/wife beater.

my boyfriends been having a hard time getting anyone in the restaurant to respect him since my cousin decided that it was her responsibility to spread my business without giving me time to cope and decide.

its upsetting. i get anxiety anytime my friend and the male server are working together because they’ve been caught talking shit since. i think both of them can tell that im on edge because the male server doesn’t really talk to me. but my friend looked at me today and called me grumpy. but there was so much i wanted to say to her about how shitty she’s being.

i’m “not supposed to” choose a boyfriend over a friend but i have tried. i have done my time defending her and her actions. i have given her time. i’ve explained that she’s making me upset. and she’s still doing it.

my boyfriend even walked in to her talking with one of the other girl servers who is NOTORIOUS for talking shit and spreading it today. and her boyfriend (who works in the kitchen) is just as bad with it. the GM has doubled down and is saying that my boyfriend is the problem. our relationship is the problem. she can’t do anything about the servers. but she’s lazy and a people pleaser so she’s not going to do anything, anyway.

i’m just so tired of feeling like this. i don’t want to talk to her. i don’t want to be her friend. the only thing i can do anymore is tell her that im done being friends with her if she can’t respect MY relationship. if you want to actively seek out a persons downfall, then you’re a shit person. especially since she’s supposed to be one of my best friends.

shes older than me too, she should be more mature but she’s not acting like it anymore. i don’t want to lose her as a friend, but if this is the only way that i can show her that i’ve tolerated enough, then it’s what has to be done. and it’ll probably make a statement in the restaurant, too.

idk. that’s just what’s going on. i’ve exhausted the people i can talk to, so i thought id share on here to type it all out. it doesn’t make me feel any better, though.

[itscaptaint]

Is That Alright?

Dean X reader

based off the song “Is That Alright?” by Lady Gaga

There’s probably grammatical errors, but I’m getting back into the writing game after a few years so cut me some slack...

“Why can’t I just be undercover as a bartender? That’s what I’m good at!” I argue with Sam as we are getting dressed for this shape shifter hunt. Somehow this asshat got me a legit job at the art museum’s gala tonight as the entertainment. I’ll be on piano all evening entertaining the guests as they peruse the old junk that the shifter is trying to steal. 

“Because this way if we get our cover blown, at least we will still have a set of eyes in the joint no matter what,” Sam says, straightening out his tie. “You’re also a musical genius, so that’s why.”

We’ve been tracking this shifter for days and we finally learned that it’s MO was expensive old shit. The art museum is holding their annual charity gala tonight and it will be the perfect time for extra bodies to be in the building unnoticed. Sam was the brains on this one which is why I’m stuck in the public eye all night, Sam is working security and Dean will be hanging out behind the bar. At least if Dean is slinging drinks all night, they’ll be free. 

“Are you two ready-” Dean starts to groan rounding the corner and stops dead in his tracks, staring at the long velvet green dress I scored from the closet of the shifter’s last vic. It’s simple, long sleeved with a deep V neck and a slit up the leg that shows a little more than I’d like. I can tell Dean is staring at the slit and I catch his eyes as they wander up to the neck line. By the time he reaches my face, he is pink with embarrassment. 

Not wanting to be gawked at, I turn instantly, grabbing my bag and gun and heading out towards the car. 

“Dude, seriously?” I hear Sam say through gritted teeth, thinking I was already out of earshot.

“What?” Dean whisper-yells. “I haven’t seen her dress up since…well it’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, that’s why you were staring.” I can only imagine that Sam rolled his eyes as he said that before heading to meet me in the car.

“Alright superstar, you ready?” Dean wiggles his eyebrows, sliding into the driver’s seat. 

“Not really, but at least I have the skillset,” I say, shrugging and sinking lower into the backseat to try and avoid Dean’s eyes in the rearview mirror. 

Back in college, I was a dance and theater major. I had grown up dancing and playing piano my entire life. It wasn’t until school that I realized I had a real knack for writing as well. I got really into writing short plays and original songs for musicals. After graduating, I was working at a nightclub in New York as a bartender and singer. Everyone in NYC is some sort of artist so we all had other jobs to help with that lifestyle. Most of the other people I worked with were actors and singers so we all played double duty behind the bar and on stage most nights. It was good practice for auditions and good money to get us through until the next gig. Unfortunately, the club I was working in was destroyed by a poltergeist. 

I’ve known the Winchester family my entire life. My family lived next door to theirs when I was little. Dean was my first friend. We were 4 years old and would always be playing in the backyard together. I remember my mom constantly having to drag me back inside for a lunch or dinner break. After their mom died, I remember Dean being really sad and I couldn’t understand what was really happening, but I just knew that my friend needed me. We talked about everything, and he told all about the man with the yellow eyes. It didn’t make sense at the time but I was a kid so not much made sense. Two years  later, he told me that he was moving, but he didn’t know where. That’s when John decided to hit the road and hunt down whatever killed Mary. Dean said that he would send me a postcard when they got to wherever they were going so that way it was like we weren’t going to be apart. 

The postcards and letters from Dean were coming as often as one a week. My dad would set them aside for me to read after school and then help me send one back. Even apart we were still best friends. As we got older, the letters were less frequent. We went from sending them once a week, to one a month, but life got busy. My family moved to Ohio and Dean was all over the place. I finally accepted that all the crazy stories he was telling me were true after John had to talk my dad through salt and burn over the phone once. 

I struggled when we first got to Ohio. It was the middle of my freshmen year of high school, I had no friends and I was super into dancing and playing piano.I was definitely labeled a dork the first day there. I obviously wrote to Dean to tell him all about it and his next letter came much quicker than they had been. He wanted to make sure I was ok. It was nice knowing that I had someone looking out for me even if he wasn’t there in person. Our letters were getting more frequent again and my dad noticed that I was getting a little too excited to hear from Dean. My dad, wasn’t dumb. He could tell that I was crushing on my pen pal. He tried to tell me that I was just crushing on the fantasy and the thrill of he adventure. Along with the letters, Dean had started sending pictures of him and Sam in cool places or doing silly little things. I never showed my dad any of those photos. 

My favorite photo came towards the end of my senior year. It was a picture of Sam and Dean standing next to a giant bear in the woods. They had gone up to Vancouver for what they thought was a werewolf hunt, but it turns out that it was just a bear wreaking havoc on the town. The caption on the back said big scary bear hunt, wish you were here to see this. A big scary bear hunt would be more exciting than trying to find a prom date. When I wrote back to Dean I wanted to say those exact thoughts and then beg him to come to town to go with me, but I chickened out. Instead I wrote back I’ll make sure to send a scary photo of me in a prom dress so we’re even.

As prom night approached, I had been so stressed about graduation and final exams that I hadn’t even realized that Dean hadn’t sent a letter in a while. A few friends that also didn’t have dates for the prom were over taking pictures and we were having a blast. This was definitely going to be a night to remember. The second we pulled up to the school parking lot, the sky just opened and start raining cats and dogs. Luckily we didn’t get too wet on the way in the building. By the time we got in, the music was going, people were dancing and I could tell there was already someone spiking the punch. I was having the night of my life. When the third slow song of the night started playing, I took that as my cue to go outside and hope it had stopped raining just long enough to get some fresh air. When I get to the main entrance I noticed a boy standing all by himself pacing back and forth in front of his car with a flower in his hand. I thought nothing of it until I realized what kind of car it was. 

“Dean?”

He turned his head so fast that he probably gave himself whiplash. “Hey, Y/n. Happy prom night.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask in total shock. 

“Well, you said you were going to send a scary photo in a prom dress, but I wanted to see it in person. Figured it wouldn’t be so scary that way,” we both chuckle and awkwardly just stand there for a few more minutes. “Oh, this is for you by the way,” he says, handing me the wrist corsage. 

“Thanks,” I say and I can’t help but blush. I could hear cheering from inside so that must mean that the music has picked back up. “Do you want to come in?”

“If that’s your way of asking me to prom, Y/N,” Dean sighed. “Then abso-freaking-lutely.”

Dean and I danced all night and when it was time to go we ended up driving to the park down the street to just catch up. The rain had stopped and it had turned out to be a pretty decent night so we just sat on the swings talking for hours. He filled me in on hunting life, I filled him in on high school and what I was doing after graduation. The plan was to study dance and theater at NYU and hopefully end up living in the city. Everything just felt right. It was in this moment that I knew I was falling for Dean. The way he talked about his family and how he took care of his brother when his dad was away, or the way he looked at me when I was telling the silliest of stories just made me feel slightly weaker than I should have. 

We were so into our conversation that we hadn’t realized it had started to lightly rain again until it started pouring. Dean took off his jacket and tried to shield us from getting wet. Halfway to the car I froze. I knew that if we got in that car and he took me home, I might not get the chance to do what I have been wanting to do all night. Dean turned around, having given up on the jacket at this point since we were already soaked. “Y/N, come on!” 

I still just stood there. Dean comes running up, grabbing my hand to try and get me to move, but when he does I resist, pull him in to me and slam my lips onto his. It takes me a second to realize what I’ve done before pulling away. What if he didn’t want this? What if he thinks of me like a little sister? What if he is with somebody else somewhere else? Thoughts crowding my head, I pull back and start to profusely apologize. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I don’t know-” I was cut off by Dean pulling me back into our kiss. This time my thoughts slowed and shifted out of panic and into something else. It was something I hadn’t felt before but I liked it. We kissed for what felt like forever, forgetting that it was raining. When he pulled away he pressed his forehead to mine. “Was that alright?”

I just smiled the biggest smile I had ever smiled before. “Definitely alright.”

…..

After prom night, I hadn’t seen Dean or Sam much. I knew of their whereabouts and they knew of mine, but life got even busier. As much as I wanted to see Dean and talk about us, I knew it probably wasn’t going to happen. By the time I had graduated from NYU I had convinced myself that my feelings for Dean were just a school girl crush and that I could just get over it. The boys were hunting nonstop and I was focused on my career. I was so focused on my career that I had almost missed all the signs that the club was being haunted by a poltergeist. 

As soon as I figured it out, I had called Dean and Sam and they were in the city the next day and the problem was mostly solved. Things got a little hairy and unfortunately the club burned down and was going to need rebuilt. On the brightside, the poltergeist problem was gone. With the club gone and my job no longer existent, I had no way to pay rent so in a very quick turn of events, I ended up leaving the city in the back of the Impala and have been with the boys ever since. 

The night started slow. Sam was scanning security footage looking for any flares while Dean was trying to subtly touch every guest with some sort of silver. I was posted up at a gorgeous black baby grand piano all night and was much less focused on the hunt than I should have been. Guests were requesting their favorite songs, and some of them even asked if I had any originals I would be willing to play. I do have a few originals, but nobody has ever heard them before. Most of them are a tad too personal to be playing for this crowd, specifically Dean. 

Off by the bar, I see Sam and Dean deep in conversation. When we make eye contact, they flag me down. I announce that I’d be taking a short break and head down the hall to the main gallery. We barely make it down the hall and out of sight of the guests before I’m slammed against a stone statue and start seeing double. Well, just double of Dean. There was still only one of Sam, though he was knocked out in a crumpled mess on the floor. One Dean was laying on the floor scrambling to get out from under a painting that had come crashing down and one was strolling towards me without a care in the world. 

“Turns out shifting into the bartender is easier when he’s already half drunk,” the sauntering Dean said. “Even if he is a hunter.” 

I try to find my bag which has been knocked out of my reach when the shifter reaches me. “So you’re the pretty one he’s been drinking over all night.”

“Y/N!” I hear Dean yell. “Stay away from her, you son of a bitch!”

“‘Did you know that when we change appearance, we also get a little insight into what the human scum is actually thinking. Turns out, Deano over there has been undressing you with his eyes since you got here. But what I don’t understand is why he hasn’t done it before.” 

The shifter’s words meant nothing to me. I knew it was lying. Did I want Dean to think of me that way? Yeah, yeah I did. But this was not going to throw me off my game. My purse with my gun in it may have been knocked clear out of reach, but the knife I had strapped to my leg was already in my hands. Before I can let the shifter get any closer, my silver knife is through its chest and I’m shoving it away as fast as I possibly can to avoid any blood getting on this dress. Shifter hits the floor, Dean is finally on his feet and Sam’s eyes are back open. 

“What did I miss?” Sam groans, grabbing the back of his head. 

“Seems like Y/N had it taken care of,” Dean reached out his hand for Sam’s, pulling him to his feet. “Y/N, we can clean this up if you want to get back out there.”

“Uh,” I say looking down at my dress making sure I still look presentable. Don’t want the guests freaking out over a blood splattered dress. “Yeah, totally. I can go and finish up my set and then we can get out of here.”

“Hey, Y/N,” Dean runs over to me before I head down the hall. “You good? You look a little shaken.” Thinking about what the shifter said did shake me up a bit, but it’s not true. It can’t be true. 

“I’m good, Dean.” I pat his shoulder and head back to the gala. I stopped for a glass of wine on my way back to the piano when the event organizer stopped me.

 “Any chance you can play some of your originals? That crowd is getting a little rowdy with the classics. Maybe a few new songs will tone them back down a bit. I think the bartender is a little heavy handed on the pour.”

I glanced around for any sight of the Winchesters, knowing full well that they were going to be a while since they had to clean up our mess. If they aren’t here, then they can’t hear. “Um, sure. I’ve got a few that I can play.”

“Great! Thank you,” she says running off in the other direction to go deal with some big time buyers. 

I down the glass of wine and take my place back at the piano. A few guests clapped at my return. I take a deep breath and decide to slow things down a little bit for the crowd since it really has turned into a party out here. Well, here goes…

Life is so simple

A little boy, a little girl

Laughing and loving

Trying to figure out the world

It felt like summer

When I kissed you in the rain

And I know your story

But tell me again

Nothing you say wouldn't interest me

All of your words are like poems to me

I would be honored if you would take me as I am

I want you to look right in my eyes

To tell me you love me, to be by my side

I want you at the end of my life

I wanna see your face, when I fall with grace

At the moment I die

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

I hadn’t realized that the entire crowd had stopped everything they were doing to listen. I glanced up out of my trance to see everyone watching with eyes that were truly taken by what I was singing. Thank god Dean wasn’t out there listening to what I knew I would never be able to say to his face...

I hope you're still with me when I'm not quite myself

And I pray that you'll lift me when you know I need help

It's a warm celebration of all of our years

I dream of our story, of our fairy tale

Family dinners and family trees

Teaching the kids to say thank you and please

Knowing if we stay together that things will be right

I didn’t need to look up very much to see that furrowed brow and look of confusion that I hoped wouldn’t be watching. Can’t stop now, if he only knew this was all for him…

I want you to look right in my eyes

To tell me you love me, to be by my side

I want you at the end of my life

I wanna see your face, when I fall with grace

At the moment I die

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

Is that alright?

Finishing the last few notes was a relief. I loved this song, but it was too personal. I should have picked a different one. Luckily, the organizer was the first to applaud as she walked over with a mic announcing that the auction would be starting which was my cue to head out. I didn’t even take a second glance over at the bar to know that Dean and Sam had already headed out so I beeline it out to the Impala, hop in the backseat and sink as low as I can avoiding Dean’s gaze in the mirror once again. I was exhausted physically and mentally. I knew the ride was short but I closed my eyes anyway. The car was quiet and I took advantage of the silence to feign sleep. Turns out I actually fell asleep and didn’t realize it until I was plopped into my bed in the motel.

When I wake up the next morning, there’s a cup of coffee next to the bed already and Sam is sitting across from me at the table, laptop open. “Morning, Y/N.”

“Morning Sam,” I sat up realizing I’m still in my dress from last night. “Sorry I passed out on y’all last night.” I swing my feet out of bed and grab a t-shirt and shorts to throw on instead of my dress. As much as I was loving this dress, it wasn’t really daytime apparel. “Dean go to grab food?”

“I think so,” he shrugged.” He was gone before I got up. Should be back within the hour I assume. You wanna go for a run while we wait?” 

Sam was always down for a run. Dean hated all versions of physical activity which made zero sense. The man ate like a linebacker but was still fit as hell. It wasn’t fair. I change my clothes, lace up my shoes and head out with Sam. We reach a small pond at the end of the trail and realized where Dean actually went. 

“Did you run out here?” Sam asked, approaching Dean sitting on the sole bench next to the water. 

“Uh, yeah,” Dean scoffs, turning to look at us approaching his quiet time.

“Were you running from something spooky? Or was it voluntary?” 

“Fuck off, Sammy.”

“Language!” I scold as I finally make it up to Sam. 

“Ya know, it was quiet before you two hooligans showed up,” Dean scoffs standing up from what I have now determined was his hiding spot. We all just stand there in total silence for about a minute before Sam calls dibs on the shower and takes off faster than I’ve ever seen him run before. Clearly the silence was more uncomfortable for him than it was for me. 

“Guess he really wants a hot shower,” I murmur, turning towards Dean. “You wanna just walk back?” I shrug starting on the trail back when Dean grabs my arm and turns me towards him. 

“We gotta talk.”

“About…”

“Seriously? I heard that song last night, Y/N.”

Oh, so he did pay attention. Crap.

“It was just a song, Dean. Have you heard the crap on the radio nowadays? Songs can literally be about anything.” I try to get myself out of this confrontation. I was able to walk away from his grip for 4 seconds before he shouts at me.

“It was about us!” 

I froze in my tracks. “Dean,” I slowly turn around briefly finding his piercing green eyes. “There is no us,” I whisper, taking my eyes to the ground and shaking my head. “It’s just a song.” I turn back around and start walking as fast as I can back in the direction we came hoping I can get far enough down the road before involuntary tears start falling. I don’t make it very far. The tears start to fall and my steps slow. I freeze and let my emotions finally take over. I haven’t let myself feel what I had been wanting to feel in a long time. I hadn’t even realized that Dean had caught up.

“Did you mean what you said?” He whispered into my ear as he pulled me into his chest. “Do you really want me by your side? Because if you do, I want to be there.”

I pull away briefly looking up into his wet eyes. I want him so bad. He’s all I ever wanted. “Is that alright?”

Dean’s facial expression changes into one that is rarely seen. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s more than alright.”

[necromaniackat]

Cruel Summer

Chapter 4: Night One.

Word count: 2.1k

When Felix left this morning in a hurry, you didn’t let his strange behavior get to you. Well actually, you kinda did. Your grandparents never had anyone over in fear of upsetting Brahms; so you’re taking a wild guess that this was Felix’s first time in the mansion. And he damn near shit himself on the way out. Which begs the question; what the hell happened in the two minutes you were gone?

Him leaving in the state he was in made you think he had a….–unexplainable encounter, aka this place got ghosts.

Once you brought your belongings in and got Bandit set up, you toke inventory of the house for the rest of the day; made guesstimates of how much something costs or how much you could get for it. You weren’t planning on selling everything, you wanted the place to still feel homey but not as cluttered.

The entire day you couldn’t help but feel like you were being watched, and you swore at one point you heard floorboards creak when you were standing still. Luckily for you the guy from Sky showed up at around quarter past two to hook up the wifi. Him being here did not help in the slightest, in fact it got worse. It got so bad you decided to drive to the next town to get something from the takeaway. Of course you got two deep fried pizzas as well as some chips with curry and a big bottle of Irn Bru to wash it down.

You felt utterly evil for gorging like this. If your mum knew what you were eating and how much you were eating, she’d be livid. Your mum still likes to meal plan and prep for you even though you’re eighteen and live on your own. Your mum and dad planned on having a lot of kids but after suffering a life threatening complication when you were born, your mum couldn’t have any more children. And that made you feel intensely guilty so to make up for taking away her dream, you let her baby you around a bit. Your mum meal plans and does your shopping for you so that you could focus on your studies and work. You give her the money but she does the labor. She even meal preps for you. Your mum invites herself to your flat to do other things for you and you just let her because then at least she’s living her best mum life and you don’t have to feel guilty about ruining your mum’s dream.

You also decided to do some shopping while you were out. You need to morning coffee otherwise you’re a major bitch. Your friends call you addicted to caffeine and maybe you are, it’s not the worst addiction to have. It could be crack.

Luckily the intensity in the house cooled down a bit by the time you returned. You set your things up in the master bedroom which had it’s own bathroom. You were happily nested in the blankets with your laptop playing your favorite true crime show, your tablet open in front of you and your supper in your lap. You decided around an hour ago was a good time to call it quits for the day, you’d just gotten back from getting your takeaway when your phone started ringing. Of course, it was your mum. Because you forgot to let her know you made it safe so she was having a full blown panic attack.

“So, how was your first day as a builder?” Your mum asked cheerfully, after spending the last fifteen minutes to talk about the latest gossip in the modeling world, well at least in London. You didn’t mind though. You enjoy hearing people bitch and complain, as well as gossip and spread rumors.

You took a swig of Irn Bru from the bottle and shrugged your shoulders even though you were talking over the phone and your mum couldn’t see you.

“I’m not gonna get to building for a while,” you responded as you suppressed a burp.

“Oh? Why’s that?” Your mum asked curiously. You could hear her telly in the background, obviously she was watching x Factor. You took a bite of your deep fried pizza with a little bit of ketchup on it.

“Because grandma and grandpa have a lot of stuff and I’m not keeping it all so I’ve been doing an inventory of everything,” You explained in a very teenager way. Technically speaking, you were still a teenager. But also an adult. You can go to the pub and have a pint if you wanted but you’re considered an infant by other adults.

“Well what all do you have to get done?” Mum inquired. You sighed and went down the long mental list of things you need to get done before the end of summer.

“I’ve still got to do more inventory tomorrow. I’m having a plumber come out next week to check the pipes and make sure everything is up to date. As well as an electrician. I’m redoing the wallpaper in the study, I’m also thinking about tearing down the walls that separate the rooms on the main floor to make it an open concept. I have to redo the guest bathroom. I’m repainting the other bedrooms on the second floor as well as changing the fixtures,” you listed off a few of the things you wanted to do to the place. Your dad had a plan, and now you were going to see it through.

“Jesus have mercy, Evelyn Elizabeth, this is why I wanted to come with you. You always bite off more than you can chew,” mum spewed in a tizzy. You merely sat there and listened to her doubt you once again. Your mum was right through, you have a tendency of biting off more than you can chew, and you usually go to your mum for help. But this time was different, you were doing this for your dad. Hopefully it gets to the point where the business runs itself. Or maybe you can open more bed and breakfasts. Although your mum seemed to have a lot of doubt in you and your ability to get stuff done.

“Wow. You lasted a whole twelve hours before losing your shit on me,” you told her, looking at the time. Your mum sighed heavily, you could hear her pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Eve, I’m sorry. I just don’t like it when you’re so far from home, it makes me nervous.” You knew this. Your mum refused to let you go to university in Scotland because it was almost a full day’s worth of driving away. You had to stay nice and close. Your mum almost had an aneurism when you announced you were moving out. Perhaps you’ve babied your mum a little too much, now she needs to have you within arms reach or she’ll lose her ever loving mind.

“I know,” you replied in a sigh. “–If I need any help with this project, I’ll call you first, okay?” You reassured your mum. Much like Adam, your mum was very hands on in your life. She was overbearing but in a cool way. She’d buy you and your friends alcohol but scold you if you got hammered.

“Is that all that happened today?” Your mum asked after a long pause. You couldn’t help but grin at her sudden cheerfulness. She acted as though a moment ago she wasn’t losing her mind. You always wondered if that was just your mum being super resilient or if her ability to bounce back so fast was actually a symptom of mental illness.

“An old lady told me I was cursed,” you announced in an amused tone.

“I beg your pardon?” Was your mum’s reaction. You chuckled to yourself and nodded your head.

“Yeah. I stopped at the local shop to ask for directions and this old woman told me I was cursed because I’m of Heelshire blood,” you reiterated in greater detail. You found this all too amusing. Earlier you thought it was creepy but now it was downright entertaining.

“I told you. I said I had a bad feeling about this and you went and did it anyways,” mum began scolding.

“Mum, it’s been a single day, you can’t make an opinion about something after a day. And I already told you, if I need help I’ll call,” you retorted, standing your ground. You knew this was just your mum being nervous about you being so far away. You knew deep down that she didn’t doubt you in the slightest, she just has a hard time cutting the umbilical cord. And you babying her didn’t help.

Your mum sighed heavily.

“I know, I know,” she said. You could hear the frown she wore. You pursed your lips tightly and rubbed your now aching forehead.

“How goes your own renovations?” You question, shifting the topic from you to your mum. Your mum and Adam buy houses to renovate them and resell them for almost double the original price. They’ve made a really successful career out of it. Your mum chuckled a bit and sighed again.

“We just finished the backsplash in the kitchen,” she told you with relief in her voice. You smiled.

“You guys finished painting already?” You asked in surprise. But before your mum could answer, bang!You jumped half way to Heaven when you heard something in the house come crashing to the floor.

“What was that?” Your mum questioned curiously. You carefully untangled yourself as you got off the bed.

“I have no idea,” you replied. The house was dark at this point, the only light on was the one in the bedroom you’re in. Every other light was shut off. Then there was another crashing sound, this time louder. You could tell it was coming from the kitchen.

“Mum, I’ll call you back,” you told her. Your mum said something about calling 999 but you paid no mind to it. You tiptoed towards your open bedroom door, peeking your head out into the dark hallway. You stopped and listened for a moment. The only sound you could hear was your laptop playing your show.

You repressed the urge to scream when you heard a noise that didn’t belong. Your heart was galloping in your chest and your entire body shook with fear. There were many key factors that make this your horror movie death scene. Late at night? Check. Only person home? Check. Big house with sketchy past? Double check. Hearing weird noises? Check. Going to check it out? Unfortunately check.

‘Yep, this is how I die,’ you mentally told yourself. You weren’t in the least bit mad at the situation. In fact, it was an inside joke that you’d die the most Caucasian horror movie death to ever Caucasian horror movie die.

You checked the other rooms on the second floor as you made your way towards the staircase. But there was no one there.

“Hello?!” You called out hesitantly. “–Is anybody here?” You added as you peered over the banister to get a check peek of the main floor. There were no more noises that didn’t belong. Cautiously, you stepped down the stairs, holding on the the railing with dear life.

“Felix?!” You called, unsure as to why Felix would be in your house at this time of night without telling you first. Unless he’s purposely trying to scare you.

You heart raced as you made your way down the dark staircase. Once you made it to the main floor, you checked the living room and the study; turning on the lights to flush out whoever was doing this to you. But there was nobody there. You checked the dinning room, nothing. But when you flipped the light on for the kitchen you were thrown for a loop.

Sitting on the counter open was the jar of Nutella and the loaf of bread, as well as an open can of beans and a cup of diluting. It looked like your midnight snack session; you grab anything that looks tasty and is easy to make. But this snack sesh wasn’t yours.

Nervously, you began to clean up the mess. The can of beans were completely gone, half the loaf of bread was gone and there was a decent dent in the Nutella. You tossed the cutlery in the sink with the cup before putting your hands on your hips as you looked around.

‘Somebody’s gotta be messing with me,’ you thought.

Tagged @hao-ming-8

[hamletteprinceofdenmark]

I feel like being toxic so here’s all the reasons I don’t like Ranboo as a creator 💗

1. He’s got that tiktok taint. I respect the grind but honest to god I can’t divorce their content from his primary audience, which is chronically online tiktok teens, and I’m simply not about that.

2. They talk too much. Not everything needs a commentary my guy! Let shit breathe. I tried watching a play through of his and I lasted about five minutes. It was a genuinely good game but they were just relentless with sarcastic, bad faith commentary, and they missed major character beats and fun bonus content because of it! Not everything’s about you and your sardonics. Be quiet.

3. None of their character work is examined by the narrative. Ranboo’s characters have good bones. They have fun, interesting concepts. But literally none of it matters because none of them experience lasting, meaningful consequence. This does not mean bad things don’t happen to them. It means they don’t experience lasting consequences. You can be three years old and smash your rag doll against the wall, and that can be genuinely rough and upsetting to watch, but the next day both the doll and the three year old will be fine, and it will happen all over again, and again, and again. There is an inescapable woe-is-me victim mentality I-have-no-agency-or-control-boo-hoo ness to So Many of his fucking characters and I can’t stand it. STAND UP!!

4. He doesn’t finish anything. How long have y’all been waiting for Gen Loss? It’s been so damn long you started making it yourself. L.

5. They’re American. Now to be fair they can’t help this and this is far more personal to me, but it takes A Lot for me to like American creators. Y’all inundate the entertainment industry and have created a vice-like monopoly on it. I’ve had American voices in my ears from babyhood and it’s hard not to be a little resentful about that.

[stop-weighting-for-change]

UPDATE 9

Hi!! So ok wow, it’s been yet again a lot of time passed since I last posted (exactly a year and week to the date of UPDATE 8 lolllllll).

So A LOT of shiettttt has changed so I’ll just begin:

-I kinda moved to new york city and got my dream job. The dream job I was devastated about not getting and posting about this time last year- HOLY SHIT. I always felt like in my heart it was supposed to/going to happen but it hadn’t allllllll the other (5 times) i applied and I told myself when applying the time I got it that it would be my last time bc i just needed to move on and... i got it. HOLY SHIT. -Although it was not as fast as I would have liked for it to have been, I’ve lost 21lbs in the last year- TWENTY ONE. Last June I weighed in at 195 again and as of THIS MORNING I’m 174.5. I NEED to keep it off this time. I WILL keep it off this time. -While i definitely do still suffer from anxiety, body dysmorphia and depression, I overall feel like things will work out this time. THEY WILL. -I miss my family (who live back on the west coast of the usa) more and more and more every single day. But I’m getting through it. The tide has been high but I’ve been holding on. -Diet Coke by Leanna Firestone is my anthem, my church, my everything and I feel v grateful to that song. -I miss my old coworkers bc while I have my dream job at my dream company I realized since being here that a lot of the glamour was built up in my head and it’s HARD to find a group of strangers bound together by work who are supportive and wonderful and funny and genuinely care about you. So when you have that/find that, TREASURE IT! Because it’s temporary. and compared to my last job, the new jabronies I work with aint shieeeeeeeet (:). -Finally I had a stellar 4th of July in The Washington Dictrict of Columbia with two of my favorite people and it was sooooooo needed.

That’s what I have in terms of updates which is pretty major: now looking towards the future!!

I get to see my mom and brother in 13 days and I could cry, i’m so happy. and i get to see them two weekends in a row!!!

AND THEN i’m meeting my family at wdw for a couple days and were gonna ride all the rides including COSMIC REWIND AT EPCOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe that last time I updated I hadn’t rode that ride yet........ wow what last July me didn’t even know what she was missing. Srsly if you haven’t rode that ride before ur missing out, i’ve never had that kind of serotonin boost before ever in my life.

Finally, I’m attempting to Chloe Ting again and become a runner (pray 4 me).

That’s it for now, but I forgot how good it feels to literally write this shit down even if -14 people read this. IT”S MY JOURNEY AND THIS IS FOR ME :’).

P.S. I need to pick up a library card- I signed up for one in March and haven’t gotten it yet. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.

P.P.S. My love life (or last there of) is a disaster but what else is new. At least I’m getting my hair braided for the first time in a few decades and I’m v excited!!!!!

[jemamore]

orz

blerghhhhhh I just cant even put into words to even type anything or write anything to like just catharsis. this time last year i applied for a bunch of new jobs in another city because i wanted to move on with my life i wanted to work towards a masters or work towards degree apprenticships, that job ended up being a fucking nightmare members of staff were aggressive and the manager didnt have a fucking clue so i left i couldnt even fathom staying any longer in an unsupported workplace any confidence in myself or my mental health just poof gone just absolutely fucked to shreds in 5 weeks, then i worked my fucking arse off applying for every job under the sun and i think i had about 6 job interviews total, 4 of them in 2 weeks, and got the job im currently in and started 4 and a half months ago. had to deal with being on bad different adhd meds that destroyed what i had left of my wellbeing, i started off so badly at work i really pissed everyone off and i shouldnt have been working in like march and april, and im not allowed to move on from that, its june and im still facing the repercussions of joking that i needed a new job stating that i couldnt cope with the boredom of slow days, i fucked up by being nihilistic and honest. i get told that i don’t show initiative i get told that i don’t show motivation to complete training documents, i tell people im sorry i have adhd i have dyslexia im sorry and no one gives a shit, the big team manager thinks shes the lord of all knowledge about neurodiversity and its honestly the worst thing that could have happened because she says my mental health and my conditions arent good enough to fit the role, so im just staring down the barrel of being unemployed AGAIN aged 28 with no future prospects, no hope to ever move out, no money, i rely on public transport which makes my employment choices very limited, i don’t feel stable enough to try driving again, i feel so fucking miserable and so fucking hopeless because I’ve only got 3 and a half working days before im told if im losing my job or not, I’ve given up, im terrified, im jujst so so so so overloaded with anxiety, the worst part is i cant even die because I’ve worked with people whove taken attempts on their life and all you get is broken bones and brain injuries, and i know its not really the right thing someone who works in rehab to say but if i have little to no quality of life being an able bodied person i will have no quality of life at all if i end up with life changing injuries, i cant fathom facing a hospital stay in the fucking hospital i work in,,,,,, if it was a major trauma id be literally a patient on the ward i work in, if it was enough i didnt have to be air lifted to the big city id be in the local hospital on the wards i literally left a year ago. i cant even kill myself i know too much so im trapped, im fucked my entire life is fucked up I’ve just ruined anything i had positive i have nothing and i logically know what to do but i just feel so fucking hopeless im so terrified about going through mental health services again and then what next having to get back into employment and i have to hand over 5 separate references to cover 3 years of working, and my last 2 references being absolutely shit, and if i end up with a break in employment im going to have to explain that my previous employer let me go because i wasnt good enough, i don’t know what im going to do i don’t know what to do im so restless i cant do anything but then im so utterly utterly bored my life is boring and tedious and its only going to get more boring and more tedious i have nothing to show for my life of boredom, im fucked 100000000000000% fucked and theres nothing i can do about it, its too late im so fucked

[nico-the-overlord]

0: Height

1: Age

2: Shoe size

3: Do you smoke?

4: Do you drink?

5: Do you take drugs?

6: Age you get mistaken for

7: Have tattoos?

8: Want any tattoos?

9: Got any piercings?

10: Want any piercings?

11: Best friend?

12: Relationship status

13: Biggest turn ons

14: Biggest turn offs

15: Favorite movie

16: I’ll love you if…

17: Someone you miss

18: Most traumatic experience

19: A fact about your personality

20: What I hate most about myself

21: What I love most about myself

22: What I want to be when I get older

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

25: My idea of a perfect date

26: My biggest pet peeves

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

30: What I hate the most about work/school

31: What my last text message says

32: What words upset me the most

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

34: What I find attractive in women

35: What I find attractive in men

36: Where I would like to live

37: One of my insecurities

38: My childhood career choice

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

40: Who I wish I could be

41: Where I want to be right now

42: The last thing I ate

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

44: A random fact about anything

ALL OF THEM GO.

also if you want, tag a friend to answer all of them too

AAA-

0. 5 foot 7

1. Minor

2.zero clue

3. No

4. No

5. No

6. I used to get mistaken for a 15/16 y/o when I was 11/12ish. I got asked if I was 20 once.

7. No

8. Maybe (my parents would kill me)

9. Yea, one on each ear lobe

10. I might wanna get more (my parents would kill me)

11. @/the-story-system <3 (idk if I should tag)

12. Single

13. Zero clue

14. Also zero clue

15. Probably Encanto or Coco…Sixth sense was also cool from what I remember

16. Idk who you are anon, I’ll still love you as long as you aren’t an asshole to me or friends

17. Many of my old friends. Also extended family on both sides. And friends I can’t see often irl.

18. Uhh I don’t think I’ve had any traumatic experiences? Like I’ve had shit happen to me ofc but not traumatic so none

19. I will try to make cookies for you. Or a dessert/other food. I love giving people but esp friends food

20. Hate most…maybe the fact I don’t stand up for myself, weaker in that area

21. This random dot (are they called moles in english?) on my forehead. Idk I just think it’s cool.

22. Probably a teacher of sort

23. Pretty good! I love them both despite us being annoying back and forth but yk, siblings will siblings

24. Also generally good! I however have become alot more secretive around them so uh that’s kinda…not done it good

25. Idc where just meeting up irl. Get to talk and go around. I love play dates and being with people

26. Idk if I have one…I guess people being mean for zero reason to go generic

27. I have too many friends HOW CAN I DESCRIBE JUST ONE

28. Orange and blond hair. Was the president or something. Guess who (I don’t personally hate anyone so)

29. To protect myself and them

30. Slugging through the day when only one of my classes has a real good friend group

31. Sent on discord to a group of friends “I never looked into the ending tho…”

32. Anything that relates back to “you should be more feminine because you’re a girl 🥺” or “you’re growing up and becoming a woman!” not that specific emoji just emotion, but holy shit that gets on my nerves. Even back when I didn’t even identify as trans or knew what that was these annoyed me.

33. I love it when I’m called handsome, idk why just make me giddy. Also when friends say they like my art/writing (((:

34. Their swagger (could I even pinpoint one thing?)

35. Their swagger (again, could I even pinpoint one thing?)

36. With a friend in a house. I don’t really care where but would prefer not in the city

37. Majority of my body, just to generalize

38. I wanted to be a business woman at one point

39. I loveee icecream uhm. Probably french vanilla but caramel-swirl esc types are awesome also

40. Boy this is a loaded question uhm. Idk be me but doing better?

41. Not here physically or mentally or any other levels

42. Chocolate icecream

43. Josh Hutcherson…people other than my friend find him objectively hot yes? (I only have that memorized to annoy her with it lol)

44. Dolphins get high on pufferfish, intentionally ramming into them cause their poison only gets dolphins high!

[prolaterian]

1 - Night 4 | Absurdist Phone Guy Stuffed in a Suit

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49318093

Background

If you just want to get into the story, and don’t really care about the philosophy, you can skip this part. Otherwise, read onward!

The goal of this story is to explore Phone Guy after Night 4, as well as absurdism. You don’t need to know anything about absurdism – or philosophy, for that matter – to understand and enjoy this story, but I’d still recommend reading the Wikipedia article on it if you have some time to kill. It’s a good read.

The idea behind absurdism is basically that we, as humans, want to find order in everything around us, but the universe we live in is absurd. There are important questions – “Why is there something rather than nothing?”, “What creates consciousness?” – that can’t really be answered without running into some pretty major roadblocks. Try coming up with an answer – if you dig deep enough, every conclusion leads to there being something very wrong – absurd – with not just our universe, but any universe we could conceivably live in.

And our universe is absurd, mind you. GPS (the thing your phone uses to figure out where you are) wouldn’t work if the people who made it didn’t account for TIME TRAVEL! This one’s worth reading about as well, but the gist of it is that time moves slightly differently for people on Earth than for satellites in orbit. Wild! And that’s one of the things we actually understand about the universe.

What most people do is look away from the absurdity. They don’t dig deep enough to reach it. But as soon as you do, it will haunt you. You will try, over and over again, to reconcile with the universe, and it will not work. You will never find an answer that doesn’t just lead to more questions.

There are ways to cope with this. One is to keep trying – after all, if no one sought answers, we wouldn’t be where we are today, in terms of technology. But unless you’re willing to dedicate your life to these questions, seeking them out will simply serve as a reminder that the universe doesn’t work the way you think it should.

Another way is absurdism, the idea that instead of trying to force an absurd universe to have order, we should allow ourselves to forgo order and embrace absurdity. Normally it’s used for what I described, but it also works nicely with someone facing the impossibility (absurdity :P) of living as an animatronic.

Okay, textbook mode is over, and will stay off for the rest of the story. I know I just did a big info dump, but I promise that the story will be a story and won’t just force-feed you philosophy.

Also, please keep in mind that I’ve done almost no writing in the last few years, so this is bound to be rough. Especially for the first chapters.

Oh, and if you notice any mistakes, please let me know! Don’t be afraid to leave comments or critiques – the worse that can happen is me thinking “Holy shit! A comment!”

……

Fritz Smith

Fritz did not want to be a night guard. Sure, the pay was decent (well, half-decent, seeing as it was Freddy’s), and he was well aware of the danger, but the gravity of it only really dawns on you after you actually work the job, y’know? Especially after the 4th night.

He supposed there was nothing inherently wrong with the role. It was a job, just like any other, and he’d seen his fair share of horrors during his years at the company. It was the stress. It would be the death of him. Hah, if he didn’t get stuff in a suit first, that was. It wasn’t the robots that scared him. Freddy’s had made damn sure of that, seeing as his first day on the job had him calling an ambulance after that poor kid had his head chomped in half. No, it was the anticipation. The waiting. Haha, the power being limited didn’t help one bit either!

The power. His power was at 32%. It was 3:37 AM. He wouldn’t make it, couldn’t make it. He knew that. It didn’t matter. As if that shitshow of a company would do anything for him. He’d spent his whole life here, and for what? Even if somehow made it through, he’d just end up right back here again. He wouldn’t even be acknowledged if he stared the CEO right in his eyes. With his eyes. Hanging out of the suit. Hah.

The minutes drudged by, his power seemingly moving faster. He wouldn’t make it. He knew that. Hah, no one would be there to fill tomorrow’s shift. They had someone for next week though. His power was at 15%. He picked up the phone.

“Hello, hello! Hey! Hey wow, day four... I knew you could do it”.

Gulping, he said his goodbye. “Uh, hey, listen... I may not be around to send you a message tomorrow”.

Something banged at his door. It was on the right side. Chica. 13%.

“It’s, it’s been a bad night here. For me. Umm... I-I’m kinda glad that I recorded my messages for you”. He felt tears streaming down his face. He had to stay strong. “uh, when I did”.

10%. He wouldn’t make it. He knew that. “Uh hey, do me a favor: Uh, maybe sometime, uh, you could check inside those suits? Uh, in the back room? Uh, I'm gonna try to hold out... until someone... checks”.

5%. He was frantic now. They would be here soon. Bonnie was at his blind spot. He checked the cameras, only keeping them powered for a split second. Hallucinations were dancing across his vision, the faces of the animatronics that had tormented him for the past 3 nights. He saw them in his room. Haha, that wouldn’t be a hallucination soon.

“Maybe it won’t be so bad. I-I-I-I always wondered what was in all those empty heads... back there-”

He checked on Bonnie. He was gone, but there was a strange poster left behind in his wake. It was a Freddy head, golden instead of brown.

He looked down from his camera. The face was still there. It was in his office. “Oh no”.

It jumped at him, screeching and tearing at his face. Despite its rough handling of him, Fritz was unharmed. That would change shortly.

The power went out. Fritz let out a whimper, tears barreling down his face. He was being moved. He shut his eyes tight. He knew where he was going anyway. The trip over was paralyzing. He knew what would happen. He fought, but the animatronic’s grip was too strong. He was trapped. Haha, he’d be free soon enough though.

Warning: Gore

They were in the room. He never liked that room, the walls decorated with empty heads and animatronic bits. Not empty for long. It started with the legs. The legs weren’t so bad. He felt the metal bits tearing deep gashes into them, letting out a scream in the process. It felt like jagged claws were running down the entirety of his legs, digging through skin and muscle, barely stopping at bone. Suddenly, he felt a mounting pressure. He didn’t fit. Oh no.

The darkness around him became red as his ankles simultaneously shattered. His tibia was next, the bone fragments embedding themselves into the already torn muscle, some finding their escape from his body. If only he was as lucky as them. He wouldn’t escape. He knew that.

Content with the results, the animatronics put on his new arms. Just like a sweater, hah. The arms were worse. Unlike his legs, the wrist posed no issue. The fingers were another story. They broke. All of them, compressed backwards by the walls of the suit and turning his hand into a bloody mess. His hands cracked as well, the appendages appearing more like round clubs than the tools he so dexterously used to keep the animatronics out. Haha, fuck all that helped.

The torso was simple. It came apart into two pieces. If only the other parts were the same. Oh well. The torso was simple. He felt the metal prongs digging in to his own torso, shattering ribs and embedding inside his skin as his plastic coffin was forced onto him. Click. The torso was attached.

Fritz thought he knew pain. Half of his bones were shattered, his hands a bloody mess and his feet facing vertically. He was wrong. The head (Freddy, he realized) was forced onto him. The opening was too small. Either the Freddy head had to change, or his own skull did. Crack. The mascot head was intact. His own was not. Bits of metal raked down his face as the head was pushed downwards. His sight was swiftly taken, as was his nose, the latter flattening. The skin along his skull and face was slowly peeled off, muscle and all. Click. He felt a fiery pain in his now-useless eyes. Suddenly, the pain ceased, and he felt jagged metal where his eyes once lay.

The job was done. The animatronics left, their heavy stomps the only indication without any eyes or ears to tell. He had survived. He wished he hadn’t. Maybe the new night guard would find him, hah. The pain slowly faded, his own thoughts disappearing as well. His wish was granted.

Gore Over

Fritz was awake. The pain had vanished. He could see again. He could hear again. The nightmare was over; he had reached the afterlife. Or… no, this was wrong. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the light, what he saw was definitely not his body. It was an animatronic’s. Heh, maybe that night guard found him after all.

Fritz could see. He could hear. What he could not do, was move. His muscles were definitely way too torn up for that, or maybe the doctors paralyzed him to prevent further damage. Hell, maybe his spine snapped while the torso was being put on. The suit. He shuddered at that thought, the agony of last night burning bright into his mind.

He took in his surroundings. This was not a hospital, nor was it an ambulance. He was in a car, a van of some sorts. He could hear the sounds of traffic around him and see the roof of the car above him. He could feel the movement under him. Shit. He shouldn’t be here. He should be in a hospital. Then, it hit him. He’d said it himself: “Upon discovery of damage or if death has occurred, a missing person’s report will be filed within ninety days or as soon as property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached and the carpets have been replaced”. He tried to yell. He tried to scream. Nothing came out. He was trapped, and everyone surely thought he was dead.

The minutes should have been agonizing, but all he felt was relief at being taken away from those animatronics. He was glad the pain was over. It made no sense though, why had it vanished completely? Shock? Regardless, he prayed that it wouldn’t return.

The van stopped, and he heard two people exit. When the door opened, it dawned on him that it was nighttime. Had he really been unconscious for that long? How the hell was he still alive? Unable to voice his concerns, he watched as he was moved from the van to a dolly, then slowly moved into a warehouse. What the hell?

The warehouse was small and, for the most part, empty. He saw a few animatronic parts laying around, but that was it. He was moved onto the floor, then the two people left. Fritz was alone.

……

No one returned. It was night again. The warehouse had windows. It had been roughly 24 hours since he was left here, maybe even more. How the hell was he still alive?

……

Fritz was sure weeks had passed. He couldn’t tell anymore. There was nothing. Nothing to do. Nothing to eat. Nothing to drink. He realized he wasn’t hungry anymore days back. Wasn’t thirsty anymore. Didn’t need to breathe anymore. Something was wrong.

……

It had been months, maybe? Fritz didn’t know. He didn’t think anymore, just stared at the ceiling tiles. He couldn’t even look around, his body still paralyzed. Why was he still alive? Why couldn’t he just die?

……

Notes

Whew! Looks like Phone Guy finally figured out what was inside those suits. On a serious – “serious” – note, I’ve always been a tad disappointed that Phone Guy’s story was over even before the first game ended. I’m glad he made an appearance in the later games, but it’s still a little sad that he’s basically a disembodied voice.

The plot will kick off in a few chapters, just know that, while I’ve tried to keep things as lore accurate as possible, it’s difficult. There isn’t a super good name for Phone Guy, so Fritz is gonna have to suffice. Canonically, Fritz is meant to have enough knowledge to tamper with the animatronics (I think), but Phone Guy definitely isn’t a technician, and knows next to nothing about how animatronics work.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment if you can – I love knowing there’s real people reading what I write :P

Next Chapter

[draiochteve]

Shadowbringers being 4 years old now just has brought back so many feelings, emotions, and gratefulness that it's overwhelming. I've seen others express sentiment that the expansion saved/changed their life and it and I echo that as silly as it may seem to some. 

I was in a really shitty place. Life was really looking bleak and I was running out of joy. No work, relationship issues, family making life hell, etc. I was actually mad at the game and ready to quit despite it being my primary escape (and I will confess, logging in as a scholar main that early release day 1 was difficult and I was upset enough I almost didn't give the expansion a shot). However, my partner insisted that what was ahead was meant for me and to keep going. As funny as it is to say, those damn purple trees in Lakeland is what began me letting go of my bitterness and take each step with wide eyed interest. The Crystarium was honestly more magnificent seeing in game than in the trailer. But, of all the things that planted the strongest seed in my heart, it was seeing Exarch rushing into the middle of Lakeland to find us. I need to preface this with where I was creatively and fandom wise. I was struggling on my original fiction and had just began writing fanfic again as a means to learn to stop destroying my own work because I didn't think it was up to par. I wasn't even writing in final fantasy universe (not to say I hadn't before. I use to be known elsewhere in other numbered games). And as for fandom, I had been checked out since my last major deep dive in my teens due to some traumatic shit that happened. I'd enjoy from affair, but the drive to participate again was minuscule. I was more than happy to sit and daydream about my favs in solitude. And none of my favs involved FFXIV. Cloud Strife was my fixation for nearly a decade and no FFXIV could possibly top him. There was no contest and I just wasn't invested in FFXIV enough then to even absorb the story anywhere near as much as I do now (that's a tale for another time). So, lemme tell you when I realized those first feelings of that new fandom fav love was stirring, in such an intense way that I hadn't felt SINCE I first played FFVII, something in me fundamentally changed. Am I saying the catboy rewired my brain chemistry? Considering my ridiculous G'raha fanmerch collection, yes. I found myself binging the entire expansion and finishing it the day before official launch. I was awestruck. Everything just scratched the itch right. Is it a perfect expansion? No, but it brought to the table so much that I was desperately lacking in FFXIV to get invested in the story to the depths that nearly competes with my love of Elder Scrolls.

I remember vividly laying in bed just smiling. That euphoria of having experienced a piece of media so enjoyable that you want more. You have to have more. It's that scratch many creatives in fandom know and is the backbone of our fannish society. I checked Ao3 and there was maybe 1 fic. Okay, fair, we were still in early release. So I read it, found myself still unsatisfied, but decided I'd simply play the game and goof off while I wait. 3 days in, only 1 more and I saw a pile of Emet fics instead. And this is not a bashing on Emet fans, y'all were on that sucker so fast like god bless the devil works hard but y'all work harder. But man if it didn't make my stomach sink. I'd fallen in love with characters before that next to no one cared about and not being heavily on social media at the time, I had a great fear Exarch just didn't sit right with most people are just wasn't as wonderful as I saw. Finally, a week in, I couldn't take it anymore. I realize now, looking back, people were trying to avoid putting out spoilers or were still just digesting the entire expansion. Meanwhile, here I am about to burst at the seams. And burst I did. The first story was for a friend. A silly second person POV subway AU spawned from an inside joke. I still cherish that story to this day as it was made in a moment of pure bliss following a conversation. Then, that bliss turned to anxiety and horror as I let it be public on Ao3. It didn't get much attention at the time and I still am not surprised, but that was a relief. Not too many eyes on me so I could just do whatever. "Whatever" was a feral release of Exarch fics in such rapid succession I've pondered to this day if I was possessed. I was filling a bit of a void in my life as well as in the fandom, but doing so creating was something I hadn't done in so long. It felt incredible. Looking back, it felt like I was in this little happy corner just writing away, finally not scolding myself or tearing down myself, but indulging. Just being. And bless my partner, I couldn't fucking shut up about the Exarch and I know for a while it did get on his nerves and was exhausting. But despite that, he recognized there was something growing in me that he had only seen glimmers of in our years together. It was him that pushed me to join an Exarch fan discord and to stop hiding myself away. Go meet people that are just as enamored as you. Go make those friends. I was terrified and scared that I'd regret diving in. In fact, I convinced myself I was only going to lurk which that sure didn't work out. Instead, what ended up happening was what was the final turning point towards something better. I met so many people I still talk to regularly (many still daily) who helped me find my voice, my courage, fostered my creativity, and encouraged me to keep making. I met so many other writers and artists! Soon, so many people were writing in the fandom it was hard to keep track of new stories. For a while, I was writing for them instead of myself and I don't regret that. I felt like I had found community again. And it's something that I desperately needed. Good and bad happened of course as is what happens with any fandom space. I lost some of those new friends as fast as I made them and some just weren't meant to hang around in my life. But those that are still here stand out as some of the strongest friendships I've ever had. I don't regret it one bit. I'd like to specifically blame my friend Gyoz for this (and you should totally go read her fics ) for the next stage of my FFXIV writing career which was the horny. I was so anxious to expose myself like that again in fandom space and go feral to the point I was incredibly self conscious about being judged. But she was there from the start telling me to not fucking bother worrying about that and to have fun. Be horny on main. Who cares if not everyone likes it? Just go for it. And as most here know, I did and didn't quite stop being horny on main LOL. That liberation led to more experimentation and finally led to Japhinne being born who truly has been a moon in my sky. Taking the step to let her be has opened so many doors for me that it would take another long ass post to explain, but know that she saved me. And I wouldn't have had her without shadowbringers or my friends. I went through so much shit after introducing her to the world (scary af surgery, falling outs, a lot of uncertainty with the future) but those around me and the need to write her stories were such huge factors in helping me pull myself up and not just settle to hurt alone. Saying goodbye to the Crystarium during 5.3 was distressing enough (...confession, I was so worried about Exarch's fate and how I couldn't let Japh continue in canon should he pass that I stayed up until 4AM my time to find datamined dialogue in Japanese confirming he had awaken on the Source. Once I knew, I fucking clocked out for 3 hours and immediately got to playing lol), but that final, for sure farewell upon the week before Endwalker...it was like saying goodbye to home. Things change, people come and go, stories continue. I still find myself wandering the Crystarium remembering how full it once was. Remembering the people gathering and meme-ing in shout chat while browsing the market board (cheers to the people arguing if Emet was a power bottom or not. I never got to see the end of that debate LMAO). Rushing to the Ocular to AFK, log out, or pester Exarch with his wind-up or his name. The music, the atmosphere, the everything. I have similar cherished memories from the other expansions and other zones (shout out to the BLUs self destructing around the Aetheryte in the Middy Eulmore to resummon Innocence sjfhksjdhks) but the Crystarium during 5.0-5.3 will forever be my dwelling in heart. I've gotten engaged since then, had multiple jobs and secured a steady one, have written and published over 200k of fic (with at least 50k more unpublished), and I look back and wonder where the fuck would I even be now without shadowbringers. So, if you made it to the end of this ramble, thanks for reading, and thank you shadowbringers for fucking existing.

[unknowncallers-world]

I started school thinking it would take ages for me to be where I am today. And now it’s here and I wish I could go back to 4 years ago cause I’m fucking terrified. 4 years ago I had an eating disorder and lost all my weight. I was still in college having a blast with my best friends. I hated myself and I didn’t know who I was but I wasn’t scared. When I started med school and moved to Chicago i loved it. Then Covid hit and I went home and I thought would’ve happened if I stayed here. At that time I just started talking to Catalina again and all I could think about was if it would’ve changed if I stayed. But I went home and I was going out with my best friends so fucking much and it was a blast. Then I came back to Chicago and I met rucha and we lived together and it was the fucking best. That brings me to beginning of 2022 when I started rotations and went to Florida. I was ducking terrified and did not know what to expect but I loved my first one. And everyone says rotations go by super fast and they do. I mean they really ducking do cause I only have 1 left after this current one. 2022 after march was pretty much a shit show for me. But tmrw I find out if I match. Anytime there’s a big moment in my life I ask what I would rather have. Would I rather have the dream of let’s saying passing boards 1 then boards 2 then getting my dream programs interview and now matching and hopefully matching to Florida or would I rather have something else. If you asked me about boards 2 that I took in January I asked if I would rather pass or have Taylor as if I could do that. But the answer is and will always be so fucking simple. I would rather pass boards and get the dream interview and get the match and get Florida more than anything else. So today when I ask myself the same thing, I’m really hoping tmrw is the fucking day. The day that I’ve worked so fucking hard the last 4 years for. Not all the days were my best but I tried and I never gave up and that’s more than the majority can say.

[eunbii]

How does this thing work?

Move along, this was meant to be read by me only.

Wow, I’ve never been on here since ages. I just can’t sleep (mar 8 4:27am AU time) at this hour and thought of taking a trip down memory lane. I found my private online diary here and my last entry was from 8 years ago lol. Then it got stuck with that since I can no longer recall what email I used for that account. Looking back, even though it was a ‘secret’ or kinda like what Finsta is nowadays, I’ve been cryptic with my posts that I forgot who I was referring to at the time. But at least I got to take a peek at where my headspace at when I was in my teens (entries started in 2010 and tho not daily, I had posts there until 2014). 

MAJOR CRINGE

I feel like all of us had our cringe moment and I wasn��t even jeje at the time. But, I feel sorry for my younger self. I noticed how lil me was too hard on herself and really had no self esteem. I felt like my younger self already judged herself way before others can. On top of that, she easily believes on other people’s comments. Damn girl, that might be the people pleaser in you. In all fairness, it also made me realize that somehow, I already am if not a full blown adult, then at least I matured a lot; totally different from my more-than-a-decade-ago self.

Should I start doing that again? I still have my manual journal (meaning pen and notebook) but my hands aren’t used to writing that I feel lazy writing my thoughts down. I have a lot of ebas in my mind and I’m thinking of maybe resuming on doing it once I start my farm job next week. Shit girl.. I sometimes can’t believe that this is my life now.

That old secret tumblr account felt like a time capsule and I guess the universe had to show it to me because lately I was just talking to myself saying I’ve already forgotten a lot of things and that’s how I trained my mind + my memory’s probably damaged by all the excessive things that I did in the past. 

I think I should just write down my thoughts whether it be on this website, an app, or my notebook and just look back again soon. Call me vain or whatever but I’d love to see my progress from here on then to the next years of my life. I can’t believe that I’m freaking 28 now and I had this account when I was 15. Looking back at my private tumblr posts, I was still a teenager who’s about to embark on a new adventure. In retrospect, it’s happening again since I decided to forge another life-changing adventure this year. The past years (I guess since graduating college and those years further back back back) were a blur. I’m nearing my 30′s and I’m still trying to identify who tf I am. One thing’s for sure, I feel like I’m a bit kinder to myself now and wow wtf I’ve really been hard on myself since my puberty days? I wonder what outside factors occurred that made me feel that way. I was such a prude lol I was crucifying myself for exploring a lot of things. 

[tizzyizzy]

Izzy’s Resignation Rant is Right

I’ve seen some takes about how Izzy’s resignation rant in episode 4 is unfair and inaccurate. That it doesn’t match the reality. That people only take Izzy’s word for it due to a racist bias that favors the views of white men. These takes are wrong.

Let’s take a look at this rant:

“For years I’ve followed your every whim, I have managed your increasingly erratic moods, I’ve massaged this crew when they were worried about your judgement.”

We’ll tackle them one by one.

Followed your every whim

We come to the Izzy and Ed relationship in a moment of crisis, where Ed is weary of the pirate lifestyle and Izzy is more frustrated with Ed. This does culminate in Izzy’s duel and attempted murder of Stede.

However, outside of this major incident, we have more reasons to believe this is true than false. Izzy does the major things Ed asks of him, from allowing Stede and co. to watch their crew raid a ship, to following the Revenge, to attacking the Spanish to defend it. He talks to Stede and issues the invitation even though he doesn’t want to. Ed says “I need you” to get Izzy to stay. Izzy makes tea and fetches Lucius when Ed is an emotional wreck and wants a scribe.” Many of the demands Izzy carries out he isn’t actually happy about, either.

Managed your increasingly erratic moods

In the last episode of season one, Ed goes from crying in a pillow fort, spilling his emotions, to throwing Lucius into the ocean and feeding a man his own toe. Later in the very same episode Izzy calls Ed “erratic”, Ed is told that there is a hole in his plan because he didn’t remember the correct date. 

Confronted with this major setback, what does Blackbeard, brave and charismatic leader of men do?

“We’re goners. Those of you who can swim would be wise to do it now,” he says. Then he goes to drink in the captain’s quarters.

?!?!?!?

I feel like people haven’t given enough weight to this massive failure of leadership. Sure, Ed did figure out a solution to this situation of his own making with Stede’s help. But do you know how lucky he is that he didn’t cause a panic? Blackbeard, the world’s most famous pirate and captain of several men on that boat said, “Guess we’re gonna die” and sulked off. It seems likely, if this had been just Blackbeard’s crew, that actually would have been what happened. 

Not to mention that, as brilliant as that last minute plan was, they wouldn’t have needed it if Ed had bothered to mention his original plan when Izzy directly asked about it, or if Ed hadn’t taken the risky step of bringing his crew to the attention of a Spanish warship.

Is Ed a great pirate? Absu-fucking-lutely. His plan was brilliant, if flawed. He obviously has charisma and the ability to be both affable and intimidating. But it doesn’t matter how skilled you are if you’re heart just isn’t in it. It’s like doing a project for a class the night before. Sure, maybe you’re smart and understand the subject, but you make careless mistakes. You don’t do your best work. Sometimes everything works out fine; other times you make a mistake (like forgetting the due date) that fucks you over completely.

And there’s a reason there’s a widespread agreement in fandom that Ed doesn’t have a firm sense of identity. He can be calm and cool and charming, but if you touch a trigger point he can lash out in anger. He was oddly calm when he ended up in that privateer’s academy, then he wanted to escape to China. Ed was conflicted enough about Stede that he barely interfered when Izzy issued his duel challenge to Stede, to emotionally indecisive to shut it down. A couple days of Calico Jack was all it took for him to decide to leave Stede before Jack revealed his betrayal. This guy is depressed and confused about what he wants and needs.

I’ve massaged this crew when they were worried about your judgement

At first, this seems like the most questionable statement. Izzy can’t captain for shit and nearly gets drowned in a mutiny almost immediately. Fang doesn’t seem to respect/fear him like he does Edward. Ed is generally charming while Izzy is rude and obnoxious.

Consider, though, that just a bit earlier in this conversation, it was Izzy who brought up the death of men under their command in the fight against the Spanish, and Ed who brushed it off.

One might take Ed’s side, and say it’s expected men will die sometimes when they become a pirate.

But what is piracy? Well, it’s generally when you raid ships and steal their shit to make your living. Naturally, this is mostly going to be merchant ships.

You know what isn’t piracy? Rescuing a crew of other pirates to talk to their captain and getting on the wrong side of the Spanish armada. Sure, they do plan on taking the ship, and that’s certainly a profit. But even if this was a profitable venture, it still involved a major risk to the crew. It’s one thing for a pirate to die raiding a merchant ship full of profitable trade goods with minimal defenses. But against the Spanish? For a pirate ship?

But I don’t need to explain why it’s not profitable, because we already know that’s not why they ended up on the Revenge in the first place. Ed wanted to talk to Stede, so his men died to make that happen.

If Ed did this in episode 4, why wouldn’t he have done it in the past?

Not to mention we have seen examples of Izzy “massaging” the crew. While they aren’t technically his crew, Izzy barges in and cuts off Frenchie’s question about whether Ed is going to have them all killed. Izzy protects Ed’s reputation. He lies about Ed’s emotional state in ep10, and threatens to kill Lucius if he reveals it. In ep2, he tells Fang off and pulls his beard for questioning an order from Ed. (Yes, Izzy called Ed insane, but bitching to your two right hand men and letting them actually vocalize questions about the captain’s behavior are different)

This begs the question: is part of the reason Ed still has the crew’s respect because Izzy’s controlling what information they get about their captain? If one of them has a question like Frenchie did, does he cut them off and redirect them? If Ed is sad or angry or obsessed with finger puppets, does he tell the crew that he’s just feeling a little under the weather, but everything’s fine, really?

Ed tells Stede that he’s tired of ships surrendering immediately when they see the flag. He misses the battles. How would his crew, who fight and die in those battles, feel if they heard something like that? Considering his behavior, what reason have we to believe that he has not tried to spice up his pirate life with risks that have gotten his crew killed? How many times has a crew member been told some illogical command from Izzy and had their beard or beard equivalent pulled when they asked “Why?”

I think, given the evidence, Ed has almost certainly benefitted from Izzy shutting down problematic questions from the crew, hiding embarrassing incidents/behavior, and giving bullshit justifications for bizarre commands.

Bonus: Unpleasant

This is an interesting one, because we don’t generally think of a rough, rude pirate like Izzy Hand caring much about how pleasant someone is. Izzy seems to have a rapport and friendship with Ed, however.

Let’s actually look at how Ed treats Izzy throughout ep4.

First, Ed has been avoiding Izzy and his responsibilities as captain, either intentionally or just through negligence. We know this because Izzy has been looking everywhere for Ed before he finds him cloud gazing. Izzy says they need to move quickly before the Spanish realize what happened. Ed keeps trying to change the subject to chill chatter, first about how the Spanish die so dramatically, then about the clouds. Izzy tries to, not rudely, but firmly, bring Ed’s attention back to the looming threat against all of their lives.

Now, it is very likely that Ed came up with this plan about the fog and moon before Izzy shows up, and knows (or thinks he knows, at least) that he has no need to rush. However, Izzy does not. He has every reason to believe they’re in imminent danger of horrible, horrible death. And it turns out they actually are, because Ed had the date wrong.

As a a captain, colleague, and friend, Ed’s logical course of action would be to tell Izzy his plan. Ed would know this would calm Izzy down and let him know everything was under control, and Izzy could get on worrying about other things, or even relaxing a bit without fear. In practice, letting his first mate, who is responsible for carrying out his orders, know the actual plan would help Izzy know about anything that needs to be done prior to executing said plan. Most importantly, by telling Izzy his plan here, the wrong date would have been spotted immediately, and they’d have hours to prepare and plan.

But Ed chooses, here and through the rest of the episode, to not tell Izzy his plan. This may be to mess with Izzy, it may be for a bit of fun or drama. In any case, Izzy has to spend all this time without knowing if there is any plan at all, growing more and more anxious.

Oh, and this is what Ed says when Izzy is understandably worried about dying, and he’s trying to get him to pay attention to the clouds.

“...but if you just put some fucking imagination into it, man.”

Izzy finally acquiesces here, fyi. And when he does.

“Yes, Frankfurters, yes. Exactly. It’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes man.”

Later we have Edward pawing through Stede’s trinkets and fussing over the model ship. Ed is chattering about all the neat stuff while Izzy, who still thinks they’re in a life threatening situation (which they are), in a soft, voice keeps telling Edward they need a plan. Ed  tries to ignore him until he turned around and snaps at him. Goes on a rant, shouting about how boring executing plans is, has a bit of existential crisis. Izzy says they need a plan or they’ll die.

Ed responds by being weird and potentially suicidal by saying he hasn’t tried dying yet, and maybe “we should try that”.

Okay, imagine you’re Izzy at this point. You’re worried that you're all going to be horribly killed by Spanish cannons, but your captain doesn’t seem to care, and won’t give you or the crew any kind of solid plan. Time is running out to act.

Then he he says that maybe “we” should all try dying.

While Ed might be feeling genuinely suicidal, there’s no way his wording and manner were not intentionally calculated to make Izzy even more nervous. Ed “knows” they’re safe. He’s just intentionally planting the idea that he actually wants to get them all killed in Izzy’s mind. Maybe he thinks that they’ll have a laugh over it once the moon shines and the mist rolls in. But like many pranks, this is a mean one. He’s intentionally letting Izzy worry for hours on end that they’re all going to die.

Uh oh, Izzy sees the Spanish through the telescope. Now Izzy is really worried, and because Buttons is the one who spotted the Spanish, there’s a good chance this will spread around and make everyone on the ship really worried. Izzy goes to find Edward, but he’s hiding in the closet with Stede. Izzy is almost certainly freaking out at this point.

And when Ed finally emerges? At the eleventh hour, after hiding from Izzy? He’s swapped clothing with Stede. Izzy drags him away to have it out with him.

“You can be a real bummer sometimes, you know that?”

Of course, Izzy goes on his big rant here (though I want to point out that Ed has insulted Izzy three times in this episode already). We get the impression that this incident on the Revenge is one of many others and Izzy is finally boiling over with rage. He’s rude and frustrated and obviously furious. He has spent hours worrying over whether there’s going to be a plan, if Ed genuinely has gone so far he wants them all to die, being unable to do his job because his literal boss would rather play dress up.

“Sounds stressful, Izzy,” Ed says, mockingly. And then, finally, “That’s Blackbeard,” pointing at Stede.

So Izzy is by no means being polite, but his anger is absolutely understandable. Instead of reassuring, apologizing, explaining, or even disciplining, Ed does not take Izzy seriously. He’s sarcastic, teasing. And this is where the loyal Izzy, first mate for years, resigns.

Ed may have lots of sweet bonding moments with Stede in this episode, but let’s not forget he also was a complete dick to his first mate throughout.

TL;DR

Episode 4 alone is enough to lend credence to all of Izzy’s accusations. While Ed is a great pirate, his disillusionment with the pirate lifestyle and midlife crisis have resulted in him being careless and taking risks that have put the crew in unnecessary danger for his fancies. 

[shijiujun]

on the danmei twitter fight

okay guys i didn’t wanna say anything about this and yes it’s that hot danmei twitter translations saga thing that’s going on, because honestly i feel like there’s nothing much to say but when i see dumb posts on tumblr taking about that, by people who present a misleading hot take and their friends or moots run off with it without even knowing what exactly is going on - it really pisses me off.

and also if you shit talk translators for not continuing their translations or locking their translations whatever - the door is that way on your right and left, but anyway here’s a rundown on what happened because i am seeing people make comments without two brain cells put together, without the slightest bit of consideration for the people who bring them translations

here’s my hot take and thesis: if you enjoy english translations made by fan translators, you don’t, in any way, no matter happens, shit talk fan translators. fan translators do this for free, and whatever their intentions are, whether genuine sharing or like some of you like to say, for clout, if you consume, and you enjoy these translations, i’m sorry, you’re not uninvolved, and you don’t get to sit on a high horse and say translators should or shouldn’t do something. you should just keep quiet, honestly, because someone else is doing you a favour, a favour that you are enjoying and taking. that’s what respect is.

i’m presenting both sides or i guess three sides of the story as objectively as i can, altho my support is still for fan translators who were just minding their own business before this blew up.

===

🔺 what happened:

so it started because one of the bigger translators in the fandom did this poll - i’m not blaming her at all, i doubt she had any intentions of shaming anyone or causing any controversy and was plain curious, but her poll asked english speaking danmei twitter how many people buy the digital, print copies of the danmei they read, and who did not. 

in my honest opinion, it’s not strange at all for her to have created that poll, considering just how much work she’s put into making sure things are accessible for the eng-speaking danmei fandom. i mean i’d be curious too, to know out of my thousands of readers, what the reading and buying behaviour is like. do yourself a favour and don’t read too much into it.

obviously in an era where a lot of people do consume content for free whether the underlying content is profit-making (like anime, donghua, manhua, manga etc.) or not (fanfiction etc.), it was unsurprising to see that the last option - the ones who consume danmei without paying a single cent, came out as the majority. i don’t think this is a surprising result at all, for all sorts of reasons that i will not get into now.

anyway, this is obviously kind of a sore point in the fandom especially for translators who want a wider audience to support their fave author’s works - i won’t get into that for now, but the issue began because other translators or fans started to criticize the majority of people who don’t pay for objectively rather affordable danmei and just consume things for free. 

and yes, i don’t deny that the argument on both sides got really heated and emotionally charged with both sides calling each other names which i believe is uncalled for, but it totally derailed the crux of the issue, which basically is that the majority of english-speaking danmei fandom - consumes danmei for free.

anyway this whole thing escalated and fan translators were brought into this for no fucking reason at all except that the people who didn’t want, or were unable to pay for the danmei they usually consume, made what i call a LOGICAL FALLACY in argument by going to the extremes, i will explain why later.

the end result is that fan translators were brought into this (most of them, the bigger ones i know at least) without even participating in the direct crossfire. and obviously, you can see why they’re hurt and decided to lock their translations. let me explain why

===

🔺 kind of like four camps:

(1) translators and fans who criticized those who consume danmei liberally but do not pay for them in any way - no merch, no digital copies, no physical copies, no audio dramas whatever

*** their arguments:

danmei is so cheap right, that technically people should be able to pay for it in one way or another, even if not all

danmei and its authors are, at the end of the day, out here to earn a living, and the industry, like any money-making industry, is a for-profit enterprise - and unlike public goods, if you cannot afford danmei, then there is no obligation for others to make it free for you (fan translators or otherwise, it wasn’t super clearly stated while this shitshow happened) when it is inherently a for-profit industry

yes, i don’t deny that some of them did call the peeps who don’t pay at all, “leeches” and other sort of names. personally, i wouldn’t go that far or even like venture there to be honest because in general, if it’s something that i’ll get punched in the face for if i called someone that in real life i tend not to do it, but i’ll leave my opinions, whatever they’re worth, for later

(2) the readers and fans of danmei who do not pay in any sort of way for them

*** their arguments:

some of them really cannot afford, even the dollar or more, to spend on danmei for several reasons: upbringing, culture, money-spending mindsets, real poverty, struggling to make ends meet etc. - some definitely more valid than others (and when i say not valid, it’s because SOME, a minority or like those few stragglers, say they cannot afford and then you see them like idk, throwing $50 on other merch on kpop and stuff - i’m just bringing up ONE example. not shaming anyone for spending more money on one aspect rather than the other, but yeah you can see why some of them, when making this same argument, are a little invalid, that’s just a small number of them tho)

if translators are blaming them for consuming free of charge, then the fault lies, at its foundation, fan translators who translate illegally, which i mean, in that definition, all of them including me 

did i mention that we were called illegal translators like you know in response to being called leeches? anyway-

(3) others translators who literally were just minding their own fucking business before some smart alec dragged them into it

i don’t think most of us had an argument. we were just quietly munching on popcorn and staying out of it and yeah, can you imagine, we provide a service, however illegal it is, for free on our own time, we don’t even check whether people support legally or not, we just... provide, and pray that those who are able to, at least support in some small way or another do so, on their own time. i mean i don’t check, most of us don’t, not the bouncers at your local club before COVID happened do, and then suddenly, to be used to derail an argument, we were called illegal translators. and that we should stop translating, and that it is our fault that there are free riders in the fandom

(4) people who offered to provide JJWXC credits to those who said they couldn’t afford it etc.

honestly i think they were just trying to help - no different than a gofundme. there’s no shame in taking a free thing that people already weren’t intending to pay for. it’s there, just take it!

===

🔺 the shitshow that led to fan translators locking their stuff up:

i would provide some actual examples in the form of screenshots but i’ve blocked most of them, and i don’t want to direct any sort of traffic to them so i guess you’ll have to take my word on it or go search on twitter yourself but-

(1) the affordability issue: i can understand the frustration at being called leeches, and some if not a majority of people, do have valid reasons for not being able to afford something or anything and end up pirating content they enjoy. hey, i am not about to crucify anyone for pirating at some point in their lives. we all have done it at some point, or for example hate disney+ and that $30 they were trying to rip off us for a subpar Mulan live action. i don’t have anything to say about that. inherently, is it wrong and illegal? yeah sure of course it is. do we call people leeches? i wouldn’t go that far.

if anyone cannot afford, cannot access for whatever reason, fine, i’m not gonna go check if jjwxc truly is banned in your country, or is your postal service so terrible that you definitely won’t be able to receive a hard copy of the book you like at affordable rates.

and if you have to pirate? go ahead. i mean it’s always been a rampant thing. the only thing fan translators and fans can do is encourage, motivate and incentivise as much as possible to get people to support legally. they can only put up REALLY COMPREHENSIVE guides as to how to access jjwxc or taobao or whatever. 

and if you still cannot afford it and pirate, honestly no one cares about the story behind it. you owe no one justification, just as how no other person is obligated to take it into consideration or understand you or empathize with you. i don’t say this in a malicious way - i do think that in general, you just do you. 

(2) the poor people don’t deserve nice things argument: honestly, this was not the point of this entire debacle, altho yes, people were rude to those who could not afford to support legally. but this is not the point of this whole thing.

main point - there are free riders who can support but choose not to because they choose to just consume it for free and if you are able to you should support

everyone going off on a tangent - you guys hate poor people / you guys are leeches

well guess what, no one wins in this argument. 

there were a lot of people saying “reading danmei is our only source of happiness, are you saying poor people who can’t access legally don’t deserve to read danmei” (this is just one example i’ve seen, there are other variations), and it wasn’t put across perhaps in the right way, but the other camp of people were saying “you’re not entitled to it for free if you cannot afford it”, which raised a lot of hackles and anti-poor yellings 

altho i do not deny that there are those who mean it maliciously, i think what everyone is trying to say is - the danmei industry, like any other profit-making industry, is looking to make profits. the people working in the industry, the authors even, are looking at numbers - traffic to jjwxc or other legal platforms, how much revenue they’re making from their live actions etc., comments, rankings, etc. i think @/hunxi-after-hours made a really succinct post on this aspect which yall should read.

it’s the same as - if you wanted to purchase a standee which costs $20 USD, but you cannot afford it = you don’t get it. there’s no way you can get this standee unless some gifts it to you for free. what the camp trying to ask people to support legally is saying, is that danmei is NOT A PUBLIC GOOD. it is a private, for-profit product. it might be intangible, but it is a PRODUCT that has a price that needs to be paid.

if you cannot afford it, you either don’t get access entirely (i’m saying this objectively and honestly from an economic standpoint). if someone gifts that standee to you for free, count yourself lucky - if someone makes a danmei accessible to you for free, COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY. you don’t have to be grateful and treat them as gods or like obey their every word, but it’s not rocket science. someone did you a favour that you accepted and consumed, show some respect. 

if you cannot afford to buy the standee - you do not go on twitter demanding that someone ensures that you have access to the standee for free. do you see how ridiculous this sounds once it’s a tangible product? and danmei novels ARE PRODUCTS. they are not FREE CONTENT. if someone cannot afford the standee, this is the equivalent of people going “we didn’t get the standee for free because poor people don’t deserve nice things”

totally missing the point. i don’t even know how it got to this. once again, i do admit that some users were unnecessarily mean, but going to the extreme of this is ridiculous. in argumentative essay writing we call this a logical fallacy:

e.g. “if you cannot pay for merchandise or danmei, it is a fact that you might not have access to it” morphing into “if we cannot pay for food, does this mean we cannot have access to it?!” - this is a slippery slope, and factors are not equivalent!!!! do they not teach people anything in school

don’t confuse fanfiction with danmei - danmei novels ARE PAID PRODUCTS unless for free chapters, just because it’s released online doesn’t mean it’s free public property, and also selected novels (did you guys know the WHOLE of SCI novel is free? about 500 chapters sorry, random, just a tidbit)

there are of course nuances right, like if anyone told me they were pirating disney+ content i’d be like yeah hey get one over those bloodsuckers, they take enough of our money and produce shit content anyway. the difference is that danmei authors, and the danmei industry itself can still be considered a nascent and not-yet matured industry, with a majority of authors if not all, depending on monetary flow, likes, comments, virality on the sites their content is hosted on, for a living, unlike hugeass MNCs trying to squeeze us dry for content that isn’t even interesting.

danmei is priced rather reasonably - and this brings me to another argument that was made, that the value of money is not the same for everyone. i don’t want to make comments on this because yes this is correct to a large extent. a $6 book might be cheap to most of us, but might be expensive to someone else. i’m not gonna comment on how cheap or whatever it is, if you gotta use your money for other things, definitely! i still maintain however, that a novel less than a dollar should be affordable to most people, a majority of people. and i definitely side eye some users who obviously have money but are just creating noise because they wanna continue free-riding

(4) the “they’re losing out on their international audience” argument: honestly, i feel like english-speaking danmei fandom gives themselves a bit too much credit. danmei has long thrived in china in its domestic market - sure the international audience is a plus to have and i’m sure the authors are grateful and flattered that people who don’t understand chinese love their content and love it a lot, but do they and their companies care about fans who basically don’t bring in money? i’m not sure (okay i’ll get to the fan translators doing illegal shit later okay i got it don’t be impatient)

and international fans are great, i don’t deny that - but when i see arguments like “oh but it’s their loss if they don’t cater or deny access to us, they get more popularity and sharing overseas”, i honestly think they don’t care as much as you think. once again, hunxi made a really good argument regarding non-sinophone audiences, but it really irks me, because this is the same as:

an instagram influencer saying they’ll give a restaurant exposure for free to their followers, if they get a free meal

it’s par for par - danmei authors wants earnings, popularity, tangible results that show that they are succeeding. this is life. if i put something out there for sale, i better be getting returns, simple economic logic. they probably don’t care that a non-paying reader is bringing them greater ‘exposure’ - once again, i mean this objectively. 

and yes if they’re thriving without the international market then why should it matter that people are pirating right? which brings me to the next point~

(5) it’s fan translators faults for so many people pirating, and fan translators are the ones doing the “illegal” work: this one is like... wow where do i unpack this and how-

firstly, we are talking about assholes who can pay but decide to free ride and not pay for danmei, and we assume that if you really cannot afford and have to pirate, no one’s saying anything as long as you don’t go around spreading how to pirate, how the hell did it get to fan translators from “you guys are anti-poor” and whatever

yes, fan translations are indeed illegal, i don’t deny that, and i also don’t deny that there are translators who translate for clout and popularity but putting these aside - here’s what i have seen from people who ran their mouths and made this argument

“if you guys care about us pirating the book so much than fan translators shouldn’t have translated in the first place” and “if you wanna come after us for reading illegally, then fan translators, you guys should go get the copyright for the book and then translate it cuz what you guys are doing is also illegal”

hooooo i’m telling ya, i am all for translators locking up their translations at this point. see how fucking hurtful that is? you eat from my hand and then now you biting at the hand that fed you the gays in love?

honestly if you’ve made this argument or supported this, you can basically go to hell. yes this is personal because what, you think fan translators don’t take out their personal time and effort and hard work to make translations accessible to you? if you’re ever consumed and read translations, don’t be a hypocrite and make this argument. you benefitted from it, now you wanna say it’s their fault? 

most translators want to share and spread the love they have for a novel right, want to show you how wonderful all these authors are, how much enjoyment u get from reading these wonderfully thought out stories of gays in love. yes we all know we are illegally translating, which is why on top of sharing we first, purchase the novels legally ourselves first, and then we try to encourage people to buy etc. and actually put their money to use. it doesn’t make it any less illegal, but we are bridging the gap between danmei and basically the english-speaking fandom, albeit illegally

we aren’t that self-important to ask for gratefulness but some respect would be nice. like i said, you read it, you consumed it, you enjoyed it, you can only access it because of illegal translators - a bit counter-intuitive to yell at these translators, who are simply telling you, if you can, please support. and none of us went “if you cannot afford, begone!”

===

🔺 some people tried to help by offering jjwxc credits so people who cannot afford as they say, can get legal access: honestly, just take it right, guess what some of these users did in response

they said the people giving away credits are trying to redeem themselves for their comments by giving away free stuff

they also said that we are trying to shame the people who cannot afford it with this handout to them, to show that they are the bigger person - the fact that they think this is a handout to them is TELLING. the people offering this is giving their money not to these readers, but to the authors! that’s the point of this exercise!!!

one of them even said “instead of trying to do these giveaways, here, there are greater world problems out there, donate instead to these causes” - love the initiative, but how did we get from being able to afford danmei and entertainment content to saving the world? i just- i cannot

===

🔺 so why i get why fan translators are locking up their translations, because wow, so hurtful:

you have no idea how many fucking assholes went “sure, lock up your translations, deal with the consequences” - ermmmm firstly, thanks for making a threat. like who the fuck do you think you are?

the consequences is... the authors still don’t get the money these free riders weren’t going to give them anyway, so no loss, and they weren’t reading on jjwxc anyway so you know, the authors don’t lose or gain any readership numbers or traffic they didn’t already have. instead, it WILL push and force people to pay for the PRODUCT. once again, it’s a product.

this works, and i’d say Word of Honor’s payment model worked marvellously for Youku, because they fucking forced everyone to pay to access content. ALL OF THEM. sure ok some people still pirated it, but how many MORE people paid on Youku, on Youku Youtube, watched on Viki etc. than if they didn’t? even english-speaking fandom were wracking their brains trying to purchase a Youku pass even if there were no subs initially - and other examples that lovely hunxi brought up in her amazing piece

and for translators?! honestly me for one, i’m glad i don’t feel pressured anymore to churn out a chapter every week since we get called names etc. most of us are glad to have a break to be honest. we’ve lost all motivation to translate because it’s a free service, at the very least we don’t expect like hate, or rudeass fuckers. for those who are doing a proof of purchase thing - go for it honestly! 

hopefully it’ll minimize the free rider problem - some people for whatever reasons really cannot buy or support legally, that’s totally cool and they don’t have to justify it, i get that. but for others making the same argument but obviously are just unwilling to pay because they can’t read chinese, think it’s too troublesome when there are guides and translators provide it for free anyway so what’s the point - we all make concessions and make decisions to grab what we like (not talking about the ppl who have their various troubles and difficulties!)

===

🔺 and those who are saying why is it the ‘rest of us suffer’ from locked translations just because of a few bad apples:

IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU. where the hell were all of ya when we were getting called illegal huh? it’s about us fan translators getting shot at for no reason, and then people still demanding things for free. i don’t see any of the people i’ve seen on tumblr complain about fan translators stopping or locking translations defend any of us in any way. instead, you’re complaining.

it is the translator’s prerogative to start, stop and end translations, unless of course the original author starts to sue i suppose. i see people on tumblr going like if they were gonna do this, they shouldn’t have started in the first place etc. - i don’t what world you live in, but when i do something for free, then get called names and am attacked or get dictated on how i should do something that’s already like free, i tend to be less generous.

i’m sorry, do us illegal and free translators owe ANY OF YOU? i wasn’t aware any of us were being paid for this hobby. readers, especially those who CAN and just refuse to support, don’t get to say SHIT. translators deal with so much shit and so many entitled readers, i say they get to lock whatever they want as long as they aren’t profiting off of this monetarily.

let me give you an example - nan chan, which is translated by lian yin, completed translations by the way for all chapters. it is all free for viewing, and she only locked up one extra and asked for proof of payment. some dumbfuck quotes that locked up extra chapter tweet and said “honestly, this turned me off reading this novel because they restricted access”.

the. fucking. entitlement. the whole of nan chan is free, that’s like what more than 80 chapters. she locked up the EXTRA and the money goes to the author, she doesn’t earn anything. AND HERE THAT BIJ is (yes, i’m going to call them names because you know, fucking asshole who didn’t bother to check) going “yeah i didn’t wanna read because 1/80+ chapters were locked”. 

AN EXTRA. LITERALLY AN EXTRA!!!!!!

at the end of the day, translators are not like DYING to translate, not like some of you are DYING to read the translations. once again, this isn’t a “BE GRATEFUL” message, it’s a please be respectful to the people who put in time and hard work for free and share the goodness ya know? what’s the use of yelling at fan translators as if we owe you anything?

================

🔴🔴🔴 TOO LONG DIDN’T READ 🔴🔴🔴

some people may need really need to pirate - and no one needs to justify why they cannot afford to purchase etc. pirating happens all the time, translators only hope that when you can, and in whatever way you can, to support legally - in general we don’t ask and we get it! we’re just annoyed that some people think that it SHOULD BE FREE, when it is a paid product, especially for those who CAN afford it

readers are not entitled to shit on translators for what they do with their translations - once again, you’re not OBLIGATED to have it. so what if i start and stop? i’m the one doing the work, i get the only say. don’t be a hypocrite and shit on translators, whose works you’ve read - it’s no loss for translators, we read and enjoy danmei just fine

yes, fan translations are illegal, but you can’t read and enjoy them like some of you have, and then turn around and point the finger at translators - a lot of us are happy to stop translating - this isn’t a threat, but at the end of the day, shitting on translators simply decreases access, and sure, some people can indeed live with you know, MTL or shitty translations from people who’ve learnt chinese for only six months or whatever, but you’re gonna be reading an entirely different book tbh

the people saying illegal translators are at fault - funnily enough, most of them consume the translations, so what the fuck? i mean we know it’s illegal, we’re trying to share the love and trying to minimize the illegalities of it by redirecting people to hopefully support legally. it’s still illegal yes, but i think it’s hypocritical for people who have read translations, stab translators in the back. and now that translators are indeed ‘restricting’ and ‘removing’ their ‘illegal translations’, yall yelling again? and threatening?

fan translators aren’t “elitist” or “classist” - just looking for some respect in a community which seems to have taken them for granted, and also looking for support for their fave authors - and honestly a lot of us were caught in the crossfires truly, don’t be an asshole and demand things from fan translators - who are you talking about? do you know why they decided to lock? do you know know what their locking system is like and what for? 

it’s not EASY to lock the translations up - it’s more admin work, it’s putting together a whitelist of people, if given the choice i’m sure translators would prefer to share everything. but not when there are assholes who have a comment on how they should translate etc. and yeah!!! calling us illegal!! i mean we are but still!!

the last straw was seeing that post on tumblr and people in the comments going like fan translators shouldn’t or should do something, without getting the whole picture, without even considering how hard it is for fan translators being caught in this situation. 

whoever puts in the work gets to decide, and everyone else should leave them alone. 

be nice to the people who really cannot afford as they say so (or just don’t think about it), be nice to the translators feeding you content, and the people who free ride and shit on translators - honestly, i’d say ready the pitchforks.

edit: i forgot to mention this is my hot take and i’ve tried to like present all the arguments i’ve seen so far. i’m definitely not doing all of it justice and i don’t claim to speak on behalf of any of them except maybe one or two- and i’ve definitely left out stuff, but anyway, lmao we’re just tiny people doing what we love. i wish we could solve you know inequality or poverty or hunger or other pressing concerns. if i was that great i wouldn’t be stuck on tumblr or twitter or have to make posts like these like a loser.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.