#I’ve just been BUSY and fist fighting my seasonal depression- don’t worry I’m winning and won’t let that bitch get the best of me

[crowleywowley]

hai….i’m back….here to give more modern (plus some general) hcs!! :3

⭑i like to think of john and abi as highschool sweethearts :) But they were pretty on and off, so everyone was surprised when they made it to senior prom (john wore those tuxedo t-shirts)and eventually graduation! they got pregnant with jack a few months after graduating

⭑when it’s time for spring cleaning, DUTCH IS THE LOUDEST MF IN THE HOUSE. he’s blasting the 70s music, waking up everyone in the house very loudly announcing that it’s spring cleaning day…poor hosea, john, and arthur

⭑i like to think charles makes these super pretty bracelets and sells them online :3 some of the gang members got some! they’re very meticulously crafted and he takes pride in his art!

⭑Karen is def a crazy cat lady. She has FOUR OF THEM!!! She’d give three of the cats really pretty names but let Sean name her most recent one…in which he named the poor cat “napkin” 💀

⭑Dutch and Hosea have an unreal amount of hawaiian pattern shirts..it’s crazy. hosea wears them in the spring and summer but dutch wears them year round

⭑For some reason, it’s tradition on Arthur’s birthday to go to Texas Roadhouse (I know he’d FUCK UP that bread they give as appetizers). He usually has his family, an s/o, and a couple friends there :)

⭑Speaking of fucking up rolls…I think Artie in general would just have a guilty soft spot to sweets. His s/o would come back with those rolls or just any pastry or candy and arthur will feel so special and spoiled! He’ll also do the same thing for them in return :) (Or just any kinda fave food they like)

⭑Lenny was a SUPER smart kid in school. I like to think in the modern au he just graduated outta highschool, but he got all of these scholarships and awards for being such a smart kid. He’d def major in some sort of writing or literacy thing in college

⭑Sadie can and will destroy anyone at those bull riding things at restaurants. she’s got a plaque of her name on it at a restaurant she won at!

⭑This is more of a general one, but seeing Arthur and John compared to eachother is so funny…Arthur is like this big bear while John is skinny and dorito shaped

⭑It’s also funny seeing the heights of the vandermatthews (name still in progress) family. From shortest to tallest it goes Dutch (5’8”…short dutch all the way), Hosea (5’10”), John (5’11”), and Arthur (6’2”)

⭑One time John borrowed Dutch’s laptop and clicked on a weird website, giving the laptop a virus. John was grounded for a few days and Arthur didn’t stop teasing him about it

OKAY!!! that’s all i have rn ^^ i think i might be saying too many hcs but i love making them…they’re too fun!! (sorry for showing my arthur favoritism again sighhhh 😭😭)

So sorry it took me several days to get to this, real life has had me busy 😔 but I’m here now and EEEEEEEE so fun and silly!!!!

-I’ve also always seen John and Abi as a high school sweethearts type of thing, I think they broke up and got back together so many times in that immature high school way until like senior year when they just stayed together

-Dutch is that one vine where the guy was dancing to Morning Train by Sheena Easton

-crying real tears rn imagining Charles crafting stuff for his pals🥹🥹🥹🥹 I could see him eventually getting into bigger crafts too

-Listen I’m gonna defend Sean bc I just KNOW that napkin the cat fits her namesake so well. It’s one of those skrunkly white kittens

-Arthur having a sweet tooth is canon in my heart sorry ladies, I think he’d enjoy baking goodies for his friends/partners bc he’s suchhhhh an acts of service/gift giver love language kinda guy

-I think Lenny was just one of those kids in high school that everyone loved. He was nice to everyone and genuinely really smart, sorry haters but he definitely got voted prom king or something. As he should!!!!!!

-Sadie drives a cool truck but not in a douchebag way, like that woman is hauling shit AROUND!!!!!!!!

These are all so fun and so silly! It’s been a rough week so I genuinely enjoyed getting to read these :) yall please never hesitate to blow up my inbox with thoughts like these!!

[sweetmemories2606]

Gruvia/Fraxus Fanfic

I decided to post this one now since it's Fraxus Week. 

This ship has been growing on me recently and now I adore their dynamic.

Seeing how Freed's clearly in love with Laxus while the latter seems clueless, they remind me a lot of my ultimate Fairy Tail OTP: Gruvia.

Hence I decided to add both ships here plus some quality Juvia x Laxus friendship moments (it saddens me that they never interact).

I hope you'll enjoy!

Title: Comfort

Pairings: Gruvia/Fraxus/Juvia x Laxus friendship

Summary: Sensing that something was wrong, Gray decided to seek his friend, unaware that he wasn't the only one who did so. When he found Juvia of all people comforting Laxus, he had no idea of the tragic secrets he was about to uncover.

Timeline: Story's set during episode 19 of the Final Season.

Genre: Angst. 

Word Count: 1700

                                                 Comfort

It was getting late, so Erza had suggested everyone settle down and get ready to sleep. That's when Gray noticed the absence of the lightening dragon slayer. "Where's Laxus?"

"Maybe he went hunting for something for us to eat." Wendy suggested, but he felt it wasn't the case.

Sensing that something was wrong, the ice mage decided to seek his friend, unaware that he wasn't the only one who did so.

About half an hour later, he finally heard Laxus' familiar voice, although the dragon slayer wasn't alone.

Once Gray stopped behind the branches of a tree, he spotted Juvia standing in front of Laxus, a hand placed on his shoulder while the other was gesturing.

"There you go." She whispered softly while taking a deep breath. "In and out."

Laxus mirrored her movements and after a few moments, he was breathing normally. "Thanks."

Juvia smiled while taking her hand away. "Of course."

Gray was so confused seeing those two together when they barely even talked. What was going on?

"How are you doing? Had any crisis recently?" The dragon slayer asked and the water mage shook her head.

"Not since Gray and I were reunited." She informed while sitting down beside him.

"Good for you." He said, clearly unhappy.

"Maybe you should have stayed with Freed." Juvia suggested.

"No; I couldn't stay behind." Laxus replied, sighing. "Besides; there's no way I would've been fine while he was hurt. I need to make this right."

Why were they talking about Freed? What did he have to do with anything?

"I understand." The water mage nodded as silence fell between them.

Gray watched the duo and he really wanted to go up to them, but something told him it was better to wait.

"I'm guessing you haven't told Gray about what's happening either, huh?" Laxus broke the silence.

"I haven't told anyone. I didn't want to worry them." Juvia looked down, saddened.

The dragon slayer rolled his eyes. "As if that would ever work."

"I'm just hoping that I won't get sick during the battle." She sighed.

"If Porlyusica's right; then this only happens when we're feeling down." He shrugged. "So I think you'll be fine."

So Porlyusica knew? Why had the two mages confided in her of all people? Gray's face paled as he came to a disturbing realization. Did this mean that it was health-related?

"And what about you?" Juvia turned to Laxus with concern.

He avoided her eyes, looking away with anger while his hands balled into fists. "I'll be fine after I destroy the bastard who hurt Freed."

She placed a hand on his arm. "I'm worried about you fighting in your condition."

He decided to face her, eyebrows raised. "I could say the same about you."

There it was. The truth Gray desperately needed. What was their condition?

"You don't have to worry about me." Juvia's arm dropped and she offered a weak smile, but both men could tell it was fake.

"Why do I get the feeling you're hiding something?" Laxus gave her a suspicious look.

"It's nothing." She shook her head and looked away, avoiding his concerned gaze

"Juvia." He was the one to place a hand on her arm now. "What's wrong?"

She sighed and Gray took in a sharp breath, bracing himself. Fear coursed through his veins once he imagined every terrible scenario.

"Porlyusica told me…It's worse than we thought." Laxus frowned.

His face paled and he tensed. "What do you mean?"

"The treatment isn't working anymore." Juvia informed. "Even though Gray returned and I'm feeling better, it's too late. The bane particles have already spread everywhere and it won't be long before…"

No. This couldn't be happening. Gray's eyes widened once he finally realized the truth.

She was sick. She probably had been sick that whole year, but how could he not have noticed?

Thinking back to their time spent together, he was confused. They had been living in the same house; spending months together and not once had she appeared unwell.

But he had left. The realization made his stomach churn once he thought about what Laxus had said. 

This only happens when we're feeling down. 

Juvia had probably been depressed after Gray had abandoned her, so maybe that's when the bane particles began to really damage her body.

He had done this to her. He was the reason she was dying and it killed him too. Why did he have to keep hurting her?

Laxus was so shocked and unsettled that his arm dropped. "Are you sure there's nothing that can be done?"

"I'm afraid not." Juvia offered the saddest smile. "But it's okay. I've already accepted that I'm not going to make it."

"Gray will flip out when he learns this." He shook his head. "He'll never forgive himself."

"It's not his fault." She said, gently. "He didn't know that leaving me would lead to this."

"You have to tell him." Laxus firmly insisted. "He deserves to know that he won't have much time with you."

"How can I?" Juvia shook her head. "He's happy now. He believes that we'll win this battle and everything will be okay. I don't want to ruin that."

Tears were streaming down Gray's face as he continued to listen to their conversation. Knowing that he was going to lose her and it was his fault hurt more than anything.

"Look; I've known Gray for longer than you." Laxus said. "He hates being lied to."

"I know, but I can't tell him!" Juvia started to sob. "I can't see the look on his face once he learns that I'm dying and there's nothing he can do about it."

"He'll drive himself mad trying to find a way to save you." He realized, frowning deeply.

"Do you understand now why I've decided to keep it a secret?" She asked, trying to dry her tears, though they kept coming.

"We've become nothing but burdens, haven't we?" Laxus sighed defeatedly, slumping against the tree.

"Maybe we shouldn't fight." Juvia suggested.

"I can't." Laxus shook his head. "I already failed Freed and the Thunder Legion, I can't fail the rest of our friends."

"I understand how you feel." She looked down. "Even after Porlyusica told me I should sit this one out, I knew that I had to come."

"We've got to protect them, even if it's the last thing we do." His words made Gray's blood run cold with fear.

"Exactly." A determined look came upon Juvia's face. "I won't let anyone hurt Gray again. Even if it kills me, I will fight to keep him safe."

"You really love him, huh?" A small smile came upon Laxus' face.

"I always have." She smiled fondly yet sadly; and Gray's heart broke even more.

"For what it's worth, I think he loves you too." Everyone seemed to know at this point. They must've noticed the changes in how he treated Juvia ever since Fairy Tail had been revived.

"Well, it doesn't really matter." Juvia swallowed hard. "We can't be together."

"It really sucks." Laxus sighed, offering a sympathetic look.

"It does." She nodded before looking back at him. "Time is up for me, but you still have a chance."

"A chance to do what?" He was genuinely confused.

"Tell Freed the truth." Juvia said, eying him firmly.

"I thought we just agreed that I shouldn't." He raised a brow.

"Not that you're sick." She shook her head. "I meant tell him how you feel."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Laxus looked away, a light blush tainting his cheeks.

"Come on, don't do this." Juvia pleaded. "We both know what I'm talking about."

Gray frowned in confusion. What were they talking about?

"It's none of your business." Laxus tried, but the water mage was insistent.

"It's not fair that you're keeping him in the dark." She crossed her arms, upset.

"Why do you even care?" He decided on a different approach.

"Because I understand him." Juvia frowned. "He's trying so hard to get your attention, but you pretend that you don't see it."

"He just respects me as a leader." Laxus said, shrugging.

"Please." She rolled her eyes. "Only a blind man wouldn't notice how he feels." Then the realization sank in and her eyes widened. "Oh. Now I understand."

"Understand what?" He raised a brow, confused.

"You have no idea that he's in love with you." Shaking her head, Juvia sighed. "And here I thought that my darling Gray was clueless."

"Wait... You think that Freed's in love with me?" Though he tried to conceal it, she could tell he was hopeful.

"I'm 100% sure that he is." A smile lit up her face. "And you love him too. That's so sweet."

"I don't know about that." Laxus unconvincingly said.

"I think you do." She took his hand and squeezed it. "But you don't have to tell me anything now. Just promise that you will tell him before it's too late."

As Laxus stared into those midnight blue orbs, he found himself nodding. "Okay."

Meanwhile, Gray was frozen, still in shock over this revelation. However, his thoughts were quickly redirected towards Juvia's words and he realized that she was right.

Even if he had promised to give her answer once the war was over, it couldn't wait anymore. She needed to know that he did love her and would do anything to save her now that he knew about her illness.

[yuurivoice]

Here’s the Thing...

For a man whose trade is talking, I’m not sure if I’ve really said much lately. There’s a lot of noise, a lot of thoughts, a lot of words, but I don’t know if you hear me. 

That’s on me. Let’s roll it back, have a seat, a spot of tea, a conversation.

I found myself here, on this blog, in this role here as YuuriVoice, during a time of great pressure. Times of great pressure, really. Chapters upon chapters, season after season, I was a ship lost at sea. In the grand scheme of things, my struggles seem so small, but that’s the thing about the individual battles we find ourselves in. They’re uniquely ours, and the bumps and scrapes we get in those struggles are ones we come by honestly. I’m not here to have a contest of misery, I’d certainly not win, and I’m lucky for that. 

Short version, I’ve had to tackle depression, anxiety, and my lack of any damn sense for a long time. In 2016, my options were flaming out, as was my will to keep trying. 

Today, I’m burning brightly. I am a lighthouse for those ships lost on the same seas that I was desperately trying to navigate. My nonsensical hobby panned out into something that allows me to pay some bills, put food on my table, and most significantly...feel like my existence has some sort of value. You see, just because things have changed and my circumstances have improved, it’s not a cure-all. I still fight my demons. I still fight myself, my faults, my vulnerabilities.

I am not shy when it comes to sharing my vulnerable side. There is strength in showing weakness. I think there is value to letting the world know that even though you’re hurting, you’re fighting. I’ve received a lot of concerned messages from very sweet people, and I appreciate it. I want to let you know that even though you might catch me in a fist fight for my peace of mind, don’t fret too much about my busted lip and black eye. It’s not my first rodeo. 

You see, the only person who has ever beaten me, is me. 

Though the year is off to an unexpectedly slow start, don’t doubt that business is about to pick up around these parts. 2018 is the year I come marching back to reclaim everything that was taken from me during those years I couldn’t find my way. Everything that was stolen from me will be accounted for. 

Every sleepless night. Every forgotten dream. Every piece of my broken heart.

Accounted for.

So don’t you worry about me. Sit tight. The show goes on, believe me. The show has been going on for years. Grab your popcorn. Don’t blink.

[disc-golf]

How to Turn the Tide in the Battle Against Anxiety and Depression

Let’s talk about anxiety and depression.

On the surface, anxiety is the distant cousin to depression. They’re in the same family, but depression is almost always at the forefront of the mental health discussion. Anxiety, on the other hand, is a medical afterthought.

I think this is true because anxiety appears to be so easily curable. Google “anxiety” and it’ll turn up a wealth of random listicle articles detailing “15 different ways to overcome your anxiety.”

“Feeling anxious” is a common sensation that everyone experiences at one point or another. Here are a few scenarios that might ring a bell:

That job interview that leaves your stomach in knots the night before

Welcoming a new baby into the world and the weight of a thousand suns illuminating the reality of your new role as father to a human

Clenching your fists while hoping your favorite team’s quarterback can nail that touchdown pass with 2 minutes to go in the game

For many people, moments like these amount to little more than a temporary “bug in the brain.” Countless writers even suggest “in the moment” techniques for dealing with anxious moments—like intentional breathing and meditation.

I mean, they are all just in our heads anyway, right?

In reality, however, anxiety often serves as the precursor—or fellow ailment—of depression. They aren’t distant cousins after all. They’re more like siblings that play off of each other to render your mind a mess.

To help paint a real-life picture of anxiety-turned-depression, I want to share my personal story.

Many may relate to what I share here. But many more might have a totally different experience with anxiety and depression. My story is not THE story, but if it helps you understand your own struggles and fight your own battles more effectively, then it will be worth sharing.

Before I dive in, however, I want to be clear about something: This is not a broad-stroke cure nested in 11 easy-to-follow ways to cure what ails you. This is a serious look at a terrifying experience and how I’ve managed to deal with it in my own way.

My hope is that it encourages others who struggle in similar ways to seek out help and keep up the fight. Because if you do, you will win.

The hidden demons of an ideal life

For almost 10 years, I spent every waking minute of my life dedicated to one of the most “manly” careers you can imagine. I was a TV sports anchor.

For many, this is a dream job. I got paid to watch sports and then deliver my own viewpoint on the day’s action for thousands of viewers every single day.

One thing I got accustomed to watching was failure. Everybody lusts for success, and for some teams, it was just a never-ending crusade for greatness that always turned out badly.

That failure can seep into everyday life. It can infect your conversation, your relationships, your public and private image. The feeling of constant defeat wears on you, as it did for many athletes during my time as anchor.

The most talented athletes I had ever known became “lovable losers”—sometimes overnight—enduring the relentless onslaught of season after season of “Ls” on the scoreboard.

Still, most of us say, these are men and women who earn 7 figures in a year—an amount easily doubled with sponsorships and advertising deals. So they lose a few games. So what? They’ve still got it made.

Right?

Eventually, I left that life behind. But what stuck with me was the experience of losing—of failing so epically in a public forum that it’s hard to step back into a place of confidence. Nevermind 7 figures or a Nike sponsorship.

It wasn’t long before I, too, began to feel the ache of anxiety and depression.

But it wasn’t the result of some monumental loss in life. I didn’t go to war and lose a friend. I didn’t suffer an agonizing injury. I’m not on the streets.

In fact, my life is pretty amazing. I’m a successful entrepreneur by most standards. I’m a husband to a fantastic, beautiful, and loving wife. I’m the dad to a gorgeous daughter who fills my day with energy and joy.

I’m also living my dream in New York City and have little to agitate me outside of cliché #FirstWorldProblems.

But I have a confession to make: I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for years.

About one in eight men men is diagnosed with mental health disorders like depression and anxiety. I’d wager a good portion are under the stress of trying to be awesome dads and pretty terrific partners. Still others are playing up to the macho business man stereotype or rugged, work-with-your-hands paragons.

And sure, society tells us that to be an awesome dad, we really only have to strive to be better than a babbling moron in a sitcom. But for those of us who want to go above and beyond this narrative and actually become a meaningful person in the lives of our kids and families—not to mention the community—this can be an immense burden.

You see, there’s this thing about admitting to the emotional toll that comes from stress, anxiety, and depression: Men simply don’t do it.

We’ve been taught to suck it up and be men. The toxic culture of over-leveled testosterone and road-rage-like intensity of masculinity tells us that a man who seeks help and can’t battle his own demons is a coward. A crybaby. A failure.

That was my story.

So I “sucked it up.” I’d managed to live life long enough to overcome a multitude of problems, so surely I was equipped to handle a little bout of sadness.

I could handle the anxiety and depression, I vowed. I was stronger than it.

But then, it began to attack me when I least expected.

The battle begins

Imagine sitting alone in your living room late at night. Perhaps you’re enjoying a nonstop binge session on Netflix or reading for fun. Suddenly, you feel something. Your heart skips a beat. You inexplicably need to catch your breath. You start shaking.

And then, your mind goes wild. It must be the worst possible health crisis, you imagine—a heart attack, a ruptured ulcer, a stroke. You’re dying.

But it passes.

And then it returns—always when you least expect it.

You never tell anyone. Who would believe your crazy, illogical fear? But you don’t know where it comes from. You just want it to stop.

And yet, the more you focus on it, the worse it becomes. The rush of adrenaline, the heart palpitations, the irregular breathing.

Still, you manage to function. You work past it. And most of the time, you can hide your symptoms from prying eyes—even those that care.

Welcome to the endless battle of chronic anxiety attacks.

But that’s not all. This fear, this negative anticipation of the worst possible outcome, often tumbles into depression.

I remember when I realized this was happening to me.

I was sitting on the couch with my daughter, who was bouncing around doing her normal toddler-type activities, when the overwhelming emotion hit me like a linebacker shooting the gap and blowing up a play before it even starts.

The thoughts of the day were more like a montage of negativity playing in mind.

My failures rolled on steady repeat while flash-forwards of failure gripped every future moment I could imagine. I was stuck—right there in my beautiful Brooklyn home while my beautiful toddler was singing some song she picked up from “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood,” in the center of my beautiful life.

She was happy. I was terrified.

It was crushing. And I wanted nothing more than to be out of that internal chaos. We live 17 floors up in a downtown Brooklyn apartment building overlooking the rest of the borough. For a split second, I thought… “Jump?”

No. Jumping was never something I’d even consider, despite the release it promised.

But I so desperately wanted it to end, to have someone else end it for me, to have some else end me…

Owning the anxiety 

As you might have guessed, I decided to do something about this plague of anxiety and depression.

I tested the waters a bit and reached out to others going through similar struggles. While I didn’t explain the extent of my pain, it was obvious to them that I was in a dark place.

John Romaniello, my business mentor and friend, who’s shared his own experiences with depression and attempted suicide, encouraged me to find a therapist immediately. He explained how it was incredibly helpful for his own journey and even offered to help me look for a professional.

Fellow dad blogger Doyin Richards said the same. His piece on experiencing the battle with depression resonated with me and I was moved to get his advice.

But I hesitated to do anything else.

I don’t think it was because of my manly manliness complex. Rather, I suspect my hesitation came from an internal guilt—a shame that I needed to ask for help. For the longest time, I honestly thought it was a great idea that everyone see a therapist at some point in their life.

But that meant sharing my struggles with my family. And when you’re consumed with being a great husband and father and cannot fathom resting until achieving perfection on all fronts, the thought of bringing a loved one into a web of mental anguish is a fantastic barrier to overcome.

I mean, why hurt the ones we love the most by sharing this incredible burden and making them worry?

Fortunately for those of us who suffer, this is flawed logic.

Our family and friends are here for this exact purpose—to hold each another up and catch us when we stumble and fall.

So I told my wife. She wasn’t oblivious to my suffering, of course; she knew for a while that I had been sliding into a dark place. But it wasn’t until she read this post for the first time that she knew how desperate I was for a solution.

So we started looking for a therapist together. But here’s the rub: Finding help is a part time job.

On top of my business, taking care of my daughter every day, and fighting to stay mentally afloat, the search for help was an enormous burden. That’s why I needed my wife.  She was there to help me organize thoughts and research, and to help me make decisions that were difficult because of my fog of depression.

We worked hard to find someone. And we did, but it took time—and many visits to therapists. The truth is, the first professional you interact with may not be the right fit for you. Keep looking, keep talking, and keep the fight going. You will find the support you need.

The ongoing battle

It’s been over a year since I started therapy.

Every session I have with my therapist, we manage to talk about everything and anything. We talk about my failures in my personal and professional lives. We talk about my effort to become a fantastic husband and father. We talk about my relationship with my mother. And we talk about how uncomfortable I feel in my skin as a biracial man living in a climate of deep ethnic divisions and prejudices.

We also talk about the things that bring me joy and happiness. These color my mental state as much as any negativity—and give me a force to counteract the negative absurdity running rampant in my mind.

Some days, my sessions work. But my therapist has made it clear that conquering anxiety and depression is not a once-a-week affair. That’s why I write. And meditate. And journal. I make sense of the madness and seek out the good in the bad.

With all of this effort, you might be surprised to read that I’m not winning the battle today. But I’m still fighting. And I have support and methods to quell the growing fear of failure.

And tomorrow—well, tomorrow I might be back to my mostly perfect, beautiful life in New York City. Or I might not.

But as long as I keep fighting, keep working, I believe I will have more good days than bad. And on that journey, I will become exponentially more grateful for the good in my life that sustains me in the darker days.

How to get help

If you’re suffering from anxiety or depression, I strongly encourage you to seek out help from a professional. Knowing others in your walk of life who have done the same will give you courage to follow through, but if you know you’ll hesitate, then bring in a loved one to help you take the right steps.

Here’s what I recommend:

Check with your insurance provider for a potential list of mental health professionals covered by your plan.

If you don’t have mental health coverage, consider TalkSpace.com—an online solution for anyone who cannot afford in-person options for therapy. Licensed therapists are available by text message, which breaks that potential mental barrier of having to meet someone face-to-face.

And if you or someone you know is having thoughts about suicide or feel like you might harm yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

With help, you can unshackle your life from anxiety and depression. Commit to the work, and let go of ingrained fears of weakness and failure.

Please believe me: Not treating these illnesses will absolutely be the bigger failure.

The post How to Turn the Tide in the Battle Against Anxiety and Depression appeared first on Early To Rise.