#I’ve got marina on the mind because recently I’ve been drawing her in a way I actually like

[gojinka]

Pearl and Marina r a Masc x Fem lesbian couple to me but it’s important to rememberthat Pearl is wearing the red lingerie and Marina is in SpongeBob boxer briefs

[heyyyharry]

In Another Life Series: Chapter 8 - The Curse

…in which Y/N discovers the truth, and Harry is just late.

Series description: Y/N and Harry are soulmates and destined to meet in every lifetime, but no matter how many times they reincarnate and find each other again, they never seem to get it right.

AU: reincarnation, soulmate!harry, prince!harry, assistant!y/n, witch!y/n.

Chapter 7 - The Tour: Harry’s tour begins, and Y/N struggles with her feelings for him.

(So this is pretty dark...but it turned out better than I’d expected. Btw, all the characters besides Harry, Jeff, Mitch, Sarah don’t exist in real life lol)

wattpad link

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Jason loved Y/N. It was obvious, like a written fact. His parents knew, all their friends knew, only she didn’t. Well, Jason assumed she probably did, but in order to keep their friendship from falling apart, she pretended like she had no idea. 

She called him up again tonight and told him, Harry/ her boss/ the-man-she-was-in-love-with decided to stay in his toxic relationship, choosing his girlfriend and not her. Y/N was crying, and Jason swore he almost booked a plane ticket to go see her right away. He’d known it was a bad idea since she started having these dreams about Harry, which had gotten quite intense lately; the most recent one being him getting hit by a car right in front of her eyes. It wasn’t just a nightmare because she woke up crying and gasping for air. 

Jason couldn’t logically explain the reason why this guy named Harry had such a tremendous impact on his best friend that it was gradually driving her insane. However, he knew it would be best if she came back home. 

“I will,” she told him, to his surprise. “I’ve…made up my mind. I’m going to quit.”

“Are you sure?” He asked though he felt so relieved knowing she was going to walk away from the job that had been tormenting her from the beginning.

“We’re doing the LA show tomorrow night and I’ll let him know right after that. Don’t worry.” The sigh at the end of her sentence left a heavy feeling in the bottom of his stomach. She truly loved this man who didn’t love her, and the worst thing about that was Jason knew exactly how she must have felt.

“I’m sorry for calling you up, J. Thank you for hearing me out,” she said.

To which he replied saying it was not a big deal. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

“The bestest.” He could feel a smile in those two words. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night, J. Love you.”

“Love you,” he repeated what she’d just said, while meaning something else entirely different.

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Ann sat by the fireplace in her dark room, all windows were closed and the only source of light in presence was the flame dancing before her eyes. She was bored, so she tapped her forefinger once, almost putting out the fire and then one more time to revive it. The witch repeated her magic trick a couple more times, when all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, which caught Ann off guard, causing the flame to flare and knocking Ann right off her chair. 

She sat on the floor, eyes wide, mouth agape, chest heaving up and down as she had no idea what had just happened, and how. For a second there, she lost control of her own power.

The person knocked louder this time. Ann hurriedly stood up, then told them that they could now enter.

“Ann, darling, I brought you your meal,” said the young maid who was carrying a tray into the room. Ann was disappointed because she’d been expecting to see Edward, though she’d known it couldn’t have been him in the first place, he wouldn’t have knocked.

“Marina,” spoke Ann as the maid turned to leave. “Do you have an idea where Edward might be?”

“No, dear, I haven’t seen His Highness today,” she replied with a sympathetic smile.

“Oh….”

“He’s been busy you know. I heard he had to meet with the ambassador from Spain this morning and show them around, and also there’s a lot to prepare for his wedding with princess Emilié.”

Ann nodded once, staring down at her feet. “Right…the wedding.”

The maid released a long sigh as she slowly approached the sorrowful girl, reaching out to hold her hand. “My dear, I’m very sorry, I know how much you love His Highness.”

“Marina, am I being stupid for loving him?” Ann asked quietly, her voice trembling as if she was on the verge of tears. 

“You’re not the first to fall in love with the Prince,” said Marina. “But…you’re the first he’s fallen in love with. I’ve seen the way he’s always looked at you, and he keeps reminding me to send you nice clothes and fine meals and making sure you stay warm at night.”

Ann looked up to meet her eyes. What the maid had just said should’ve made her feel better, yet it didn’t, not a bit, not at all.

“But, again, His Highness is always going to choose his throne, which also means…the Princess.” Marina gives Ann’s hand a gentle squeeze as she noticed the young girl’s glistened eyes. “If I were you, I wouldn’t build my hopes up so high for it to get shattered down. I know you’re a good person, Ann, and you deserve more than a troublesome life bound by these walls.”

Ann mumbled her gratitude then watched the girl walk out of the room. Soon the door was closed again and she was left alone, again. Edward hadn’t come visit her since last night, after she’d found him and Emilié, his true wife-to-be. Maybe he’d made his choice. 

However, Ann loved him too much to make her own.

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“Hey, Lisa!” Jason smiled when Y/N’s flatmate came to answer the door.

“Hi, kid. What are you doing here?” Lisa raised an eyebrow at him. “She’s on tour with Harry Styles, the love of her life, remember?”

He rolled his eyes and stepped inside before she even intended to invite him in. “I left my notebook in Y/N’s room the other day when I was helping her pack. I come to get it.”

“Okay. Be quick, I’m leaving in five minutes.”

“Five minutes. Got it,” Jason said quickly as he headed straight to Y/N’s bedroom. He’d been here too often so it was like his own place now, but his best friend had never been a tidy person, so to look for something in her room in five minutes only would be quite a challenge.

“Where the hell is it?” grumbled the young man when he searched through the stuff on Y/N’s working desk, which was always disorganized anyway.

By accident, he knocked over a pile of books with his elbow, cursing and bending down to pick it up. It was only then did he discover a brown paperback sketch book which, for some reason, caught his attention before anything else lying on the floor. He picked it up and sat down on the edge of her bed as he opened it. He’d never seen this book before, but he was sure she wouldn’t mind him taking a look for she loved bragging about her masterpieces to him anyway. Jason had always loved seeing Y/N’s artworks; whenever she showed them to him she would go into every detail from her choice of colors to the story behind each sketch and painting. Nevertheless, there was something wrong about these drawings. These weren’t what she normally would draw. 

The first few pages of the book were portraits of familiar strangers, whom Jason could easily recognize, but he never would’ve thought his best friend would know about these people. He flipped fast through the next pages and found some scenes she’d described to him before, those were the scenes from her dreams, she’d been drawing them probably to remember or to try and put two and two together. She wanted to know the answer for them perhaps.

The most recent sketch in the book was of a throne, on which sat a king whose face was blank, which was too creepy for Jason’s taste. On the walls behind the faceless man hung plenty of portraits of royal members without faces as well.

“Hmm…portraits…a palace…a king…” 

Jason widened his eyes when he felt a lightning strike right through his brain. He swiftly flipped back to the first pages of the book. How could he have missed it? The portrait of Edward Rammour in the museum!

Y/N was right to say he didn’t know any celebrity who was still alive, because Jason recognized most of the people in her sketch book. The only thing they had in common, besides the fact that they were all famous and dead, was how much they resembled one another. 

All of them possessed a strikingly identical pair of green eyes.

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“Edward, stop!”

The young Prince squeezed his eyes shut when he halted his feet, then turned around to face his mother, the Queen. Her eyebrows were knitted together when she approached him, and without waiting for the young man to speak for himself, she scolded him first, “I can’t believe you called off the meeting to run off to see your lover! That was not how a prince should behave!”

“Mother, I called off the meeting because that man was talking nonsense.”

“That man, was about to offer us powerful warships so whatever nonsense he’s feeding you, you accept, with gratitude!” Said the Queen, shutting Edward up for good. “You need to stop acting like your father and keep it in your pants, for God’s sakes!”

“This is not about Ann, mother.”

“It’s been about her since the day she arrived!” 

Edward didn’t argue this time, so she knew she was right. That girl must have casted a spell on her child, because the son she’d brought up wouldn’t be such a fool for any woman. She didn’t raise him to be like his ignorant father.

“Edward,” she lowered her voice and laid a palm on his face, stroking his cheek gently like she’d always done since he was a baby. “You’re young and I cannot forbid you from lusting for beautiful ladies, but she’s not worth the time. You’re getting married, and you should only be this devoted to your wife and your wife only.”

“I��I’m gonna try to accept the marriage,” he said, almost making her happy. “But I don’t love Emilié, mother. I never will. You told me to follow my heart, right? That’s exactly what I’m doing here. I love Ann, and I want to be with her.”

The Queen did advise him that, but what she meant was him falling in love with a noble, not a girl with no background or title. 

“Edward, you’re hurting both girls by making this decision,” she said, stopping him immediately when he intended to walk away. “Do you think she’s going to stay around while you’re married to another? And what would the people say if they know their King is in love with a peasant?”

“Father sleeps with the whole kingdom and he’s still King, isn’t he?” The question slipped out before Edward could stop himself, leaving him and his mother in utter shock.

He swore he’d never seen her so hurt and disappointed for she didn’t need a reminder of how her husband had never loved her, especially when it was a reminder from her own child.

“I didn’t mean t—“

“Enough.” She raised her voice. “You are coming with me back to the throne hall. We’re having tea with the ambassador.”

“But mother—“

“Either you come, or you can stop calling me mother for good.” With that, she stormed away, leaving the Prince behind with a difficult decision to make. 

Edward thought about Ann and how sad she must have been waiting for him to come visit. He loved her, he truly did, but he also loved his mother, and he couldn’t let her down like his father had always done. Taking a deep breath, letting it out, Edward quickly followed the Queen back to the throne hall, even when his heart was aching to be elsewhere.

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Y/N knew she was supposed to hand in her resignation form after the show, but then she overheard some girls in Harry’s team gossiping about how she was in love with him and he’d told her no because he was in love with Lillie. They called her by these awful names she couldn’t forget, and they didn’t even know half the story to make such cruel accusations. All those lies made her feel sick and she couldn’t be anymore patient to wait until the show was finally over to get this pain off her chest.

That was why she knocked on the door of his dressing room just fifteen minutes before the show, thinking there was no turning back now that she’d made up her mind; yet the moment she saw him and he smiled at her, she almost forgot why she was there. 

However, she couldn’t allow herself to forget, not this time.

“I quit.”

Harry froze as soon as he heard those two words from his assistant, who was actually handing him her resignation form. This clearly wasn’t a joke.

“Why?”

“Why?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows at her employer and snorted humorlessly.

That was his response? Just a one-word question without any emotion at all? That was how much she meant to him?

Despite the look of shock on the assistant’s face, Harry seemed rather indifferent to this news, almost as if he didn’t care, which made her wonder,

Does he care?

“Your contract hasn’t ended yet, so if you want to quit you must give me a good reason.”

“It’s all in this form—”

“No. I want to hear you say it.”

Now Y/N had officially lost her patience. She withdrew the paper and held his eye-contact as she spoke loud and clear, “I cannot be around you anymore, Harry, that’s why. Is that a good enough reason for you?”

“And why can’t you?” He raised another question, looking as calm as ever, which drove her insane.

“Are you seriously not letting me quit?”

“You have to answer my question, Y/N.”

She looked at him.

He looked at her.

She didn’t know what he wanted or why he was acting this way. He appeared like he didn’t care whether she left or not, but at the same time he didn’t seem like he wanted to let her go. What exactly was it that he wanted? She wasn’t a psychic, he couldn’t expect her to read his mind!

“Y/N,” Harry broke the silence to remind his assistant he was still waiting for her reply.

Well, if he wanted to know the truth so badly, she would let him. It didn’t matter anymore, because once she’d left this job and gone back home, they would never see each other again. She would never see him again…Though the thought of that made her sad, it was reality, and she needed to accept it, and move on.

“Because…” She took a deep breath. “I think I love you.”

Harry didn’t say anything, just stared at her. Though she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel his eyes burning holes on her face. Y/N wished he would start to speak, he could just laugh at her if he must, at least give her a reaction. His silence right now is slowly killing her.

“Now you know the real reason,” she said because he didn’t. “Can you let me go?”

“Think?” He puckered up his forehead, leaving her surprised. “You’re not sure?”

“Was that all you cared about?!”

“Yes, Y/N, that was all I cared about because I am sure. I love you.”

What?

“I love you,” Harry repeated once again, assuming she didn’t hear it the first time, but she did. She did clearly. She was just bewildered and had no idea how to react and what to believe.

“But you and Lillie—“

“Are over,” he finished that sentence for her, leaving her once again at a loss for words. “I broke up with her that day when she came here. She asked me to do her a favor by letting her team announce our breakup, because you know…Lillie. She’ll probably say she broke up with me, whatever, that doesn’t matter anymore.”

Harry left silence for Y/N to fill in but she remained quiet and kept gazing at him. It was all up to him now. He’d said what needed to be said and she hadn’t stormed out so it was a good sign. He might as well finish this the right way, what he should’ve done along time ago.

“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but I’m telling you now because…” Y/N felt her stomach tighten, and her hands shake, when he took a step forward closing the distance between them. “I don’t want you to leave.”

She had never stand this close to him. She thought she might pass out, hoping she wouldn’t. Their lips were just a few inches apart. So close. Almost…

Is he gonna—

Then her phone started to ring.

“Don’t answer that,” Harry whispered, a frown formed on his face as he stared at her intensely while reaching out for her hands. Y/N, however, recognized the special ringtone so she couldn’t ignore it now.

“It’s my best friend Jason,” she said. She had never neglected any call from Jason. The voice in her head told her this one might be urgent, it hadn’t been wrong lately, which was what she was afraid of. So she withdrew her hands from Harry’s, excusing herself to go outside and answer it.

“I’ll be right back, I promise,” she said before walking out of the door. 

Harry watched her go with a lump in his throat and an ache in the chest which he couldn’t explain, even to himself. What if that moment before the call was the only happy moment they would ever get? What if the promise she made, was the only one she failed to keep for him? 

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Emilié had no idea why she was requested to come meet the Queen in her garden by the lake. She was specifically told to come alone, so it shouldn’t have been something as simple as discussing a royal ball or her wedding with the Prince, which, by the way, was getting quite close already.

“You would like to see me, Your Majesty?” 

The Queen, whose back was turned to Emilié, didn’t speak, she nodded to signal her two maids to leave her with the Princess, and went on admiring the beautiful red roses she loved so dearly. 

“This is my favorite spot,” she spoke and carefully ran her fingers across a delicate rose petal. “I’ve grown these myself, do you like them, Princess?”

“I do, Your Majesty,” replied Emilié. “But I suppose they’re not the reason you wanted to see me?”

“Well, they are, just not entirely.” The Queen finally turned around to face the young lady. She might not be as youthful as Emilié, but her beauty was doubtlessly timeless. Everyone knew Edward didn’t inherit his beauty from his father, but from his mother, who, unfortunately, was never the King’s favorite woman.

“You see, our people grow a lot of trees and flowers and herbs in this garden. My roses are indeed the most beautiful of all, I’m very proud of them,” the older noble said with a gentle smile. “So tell me, Princess. If our palace was ever under attack, and if you were given a chance, what would you most be likely to save from this garden?”

“The roses, Your Majesty?”

“False,” the answer left the Princess in shock. “The herbs.”

“But you said—“

“The roses are just for presentation. We like to look at them, but we don’t need them, whereas the herbs can be used as remedies for sickness, healing herbs can ease pain and fix wounds.” The Queen took a long pause to study the Princess’ face, and once she was certain Emilié knew where she was heading to, she continued, “You are a rose, beautiful, yet useless. She is a herb, Edward needs her to survive. She’s in charge of his heart, sooner or later, my throne.”

“He cannot make her his Queen, she’s not a highborn.” Emilié laughed wryly, however, deep down inside, losing her title as the future Queen of England was what she’d been afraid of since the moment she’d laid eyes on Ann.

“You foolish child!” The Queen suddenly raised her voice, causing Emilié to flinch in shock. “Edward ran away from everything once and he didn’t have a solid reason then. Now, he’s got her, so if he cannot run away, he’ll make sure she stays by his side, no matter what the cost is.” 

There was something in the Queen’s tone that gave away her fear and worry which she’d tried so hard to cover up. The fear that her one and only son, whose royal blood was running through his veins, was likely to give up his crown for a peasant, with no background or title.

“I raised him. I know how stubborn he can be. Edward would go against God to make that girl his Queen if he wanted to. So as long as I’m alive, I cannot let a dynasty crumble to pieces, just because my son’s wife is an idiot who cannot keep her man.”

Emilié swallowed hard and took a step back once the Queen took a step forward. 

“He promised he would give me a chance…”

“Promises can be broken, like stitches! She’s already sleeping in his bed and you’re here to tell me my son’s future is built upon a promise?”

“I’ll come up with a better plan—“

“No. You’ve done enough,” said the Queen as she raised one hand in the air, telling the girl to shut up and pay attention. “This time you do as I say.”

“What if Edward finds out we’re plotting behind his back? I cannot risk losing his trust again…” 

The Queen released a sigh, for she could see behind the face of a ruthless girl like Emilié was still a fragile heart. She used to be like that, many years ago, soft and weak. Having lived that long and gone through that much damages like she had, the heart, like a rose, would eventually wilt to brown. 

Edward was the only light that kept the Queen’s heart from rotting, and she would do anything, and she meant anything, to make sure her first and only son got to sit on that Throne, unharmed. His desire for the girl named Ann would threaten his claim as well as the French alliance, and if she ever got to become Queen, blood would have to spill. A mother could not standby and watch that happen to her own child.

“Don’t worry, darling,” the Queen said, lifting the Princess’ chin up with one finger. “By this time tomorrow, the girl named Ann will have been long gone.”

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Harry was sweating in this suit.

He had never experienced such anxiety before going on stage. He’d been performing in front of a massive audience ever since he was a teenager. He was born for the spotlight, he loved being up there, he loved the sound of the crowd cheering him on. So what was happening here? Why were his palms shaking and why couldn’t he breathe? 

“Kid, are ya alright?” Mitch asked in concern as he saw Harry struggling to even stand on his own two feet. 

Though his headache was killing him, the first thing coming out of Harry’s mouth was, “have you seen Y/N?”

“No, she came to see you earlier, didn’t she?”

“Yes, she did, but then she left to answer a personal call.”

“H, you’re sweating. Are you sure you can go on stage?”

“I’m sure…” he replied, trying to steady his breathing. “I think I’m just nervous.”

Mitch laid his palm on Harry’s forehead, then with a frown, he said, “kid, you’re burning up. You can’t go on stage now.”

“I can,” Harry groaned, eyes squeezed shut, reaching for his friend’s shoulder for support. He didn’t look fine, not at all.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Mitch scolded him while holding his face. “I’m gonna get Jeff alright.”

“Get Y/N...”

“Okay, Jeff and Y/N. You sit here.” Mitch grabbed a stool nearby, pulling it to his side and making Harry sit down on it before telling a guy from their team not to let Harry on stage until he felt better. Everything after Mitch was gone became hazy to Harry. All the sounds were muffled and his sight started to fade. All that was left in his head, was Y/N. 

In the bathroom, down the hall, Y/N was hiding in a stall, sitting on a toilet lit while talking to her best friend, because the loud music from outside didn’t allow her to hear him clearly.

“Hurry up, Jason! I’m late!” Y/N cried out, burying her face into her palm. “This better be important or I won’t ever pick up your calls again!”

“Look, you need to calm down and hear me out! Jesus…just…put me on video.”

“I don’t have time to video chat with you, J.”

“Damn it, just do it!” His response really surprised her. He’d never talked to her like that, so she was taken aback and therefore didn’t hesitate to do as he said immediately. Jason’s face popped up on the screen soon after, he was still sitting at her desk, in her bedroom.

“Wait, are you in the bathroom?” He raised an eyebrow, causing her to squint her eyes in annoyance.

“Just hurry up!”

“Okay, okay, do you know these people?” Jason went straight into the point with a question while showing her drawings on the cam for her to see.

“How dare you look at my—“

“Just answer the question!”

“No! They were just random people I saw in my dreams!” She breathed harshly, confused and offended by his weird behaviors. “What’s wrong with you today, J?! It’s like you’re being possessed.”

Jason ignored that and went on explaining, “these aren’t just people from your dreams, Y/N. They were real people!”

Y/N snorted, though she was a little bit creeped out by her own best friend at this point. “J, I know I’ve told you some weird stuff but—“

“This one is Basilio,” Jason began anyway, pointing to the first portrait in Y/N’s sketch book. “He was a famous British painter in the 17th century who fell in love with a girl named Elia. His family forbad their love and then she died of a terrible disease.” He quickly flipped to the next page. “Jameson Wallace, an 18th century’s writer. In his autobiography, he mentioned his lover Martha who killed herself when he chose to marry another woman, whom he’d been engaged to for two years before he met her.” Then onto the next drawing. “Lewis Reeves, a scientist in the 19th century, already married when he met the love of his life, they had an affair and he died while traveling at sea.” The one after that. “Leon Morrison, an actor in the 20th century, their love story made the papers because she was seventeen and he was twenty-five, they couldn’t be together and he died later in a car crash.”

“But—“ Y/N was almost speechless. She was scared, no, terrified. “Those people couldn’t be real, because…”

“Because you thought they were different versions of Harry that you came up with in your own head?” 

Yes.

“No.”

“Then we all circle back to…this.” Jason ignored his best friend’s denial and moved the phone’s camera to the laptop behind him, on the screen of which was an image of the portrait of the King, the one they’d seen in the art museum, where it all began. “Edward Rammour, King of England in the 16th century, fell in love with a peasant girl who was prosecuted of treason and later on executed.”

No, this can’t be true.

“Remember when you told me how this man’s eyes resembled Harry’s, and you kept seeing them in your dreams? What if it’s not just a coincidence, Y/N?”

This can’t be happening.

“What if they’re all linked together?”

“This…is insane, Jason…” Y/N tried to laugh, but she found no humor in the story. “Tell me this is all a prank you came up with to scare me.”

Jason looked at her, frowning as he shook his head, “I wish I could, Y/N…”

“So you’re telling me these are all…the same person?”

“Not really...Have you ever heard of reincarnation?”

She had. She remembered reading about it somewhere but she didn’t believe it. No sane person would, obviously. 

“Reincarnation is the philosophical or religious concept that an aspect of a living being starts a new life in a different physical body or form after each biological death.” Jason read out loud the information on Wiki and turned back to the cam. Y/N’s head was spinning, still she managed to hear some keywords to understand what he was talking about. 

“Y/N, describe again to me that room you see in every single one of your dream.” 

“Why?”

“Do it.”

She breathed harshly, shutting her eyes to reimagine the scene before her eyes. “Okay, it was in a palace. There was…a high back chair made of a deep dark oak finish with a red velvet cushion…a throne, it sat at the top of a three stepped platform. There were high windows, many tapestries hung from the walls. There were…many paintings…portraits of faceless people…That’s all I can remember.” 

“Like this?” He showed her an image he found online, which was exactly like the room she’d just described. 

“H-How?”

“This is the throne hall in the Rammours’ palace. How do you know the details of a room you’ve never been in, Y/N? The only reasonable explanation is that you have been there before.” Jason looked at her and he was just as frightened as she was, maybe more. “Those dreams you were having weren’t dreams, they were memories from your past lives.”

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Everyone in the Kingdom had heard of the King’s reputation. He was everything his son Edward was not. He cared about himself more than his people and had spent most of his time on the throne sleeping with young girls and blaming others for his own failures. Instead of trying to stop crimes, poverty, and hunger, he wasted so much effort and wealth into these terrible witch hunts, for which countless of innocent lives had ended in ashes.

Rumors had it, when the King was still a young prince, a fortune teller told him a woman with magical powers - a witch, would take away everything he loved. She would end his life and also his family name on the throne. He believed her words entirely, so the first thing he did when he became King was to capture every woman whom he suspected to be performing witchcrafts, then have them burnt alive with no mercy.

However, a witch wouldn’t have easily got caught by an imbecile monarch whose heart was as small as his brain. Witches were usually charming and wise and beautiful, and a man like the King would never have harmed or suspected a beautiful lady. 

His lust for Ann had intensified since the day his son brought her to court. The only reason he hadn’t laid a hand on her was because Edward was always by her side. The only person beside himself and Ann that could sense his desire for the young girl was his wife, the Queen. 

“Your Majesty,” a guard announced to the King, who was getting dressed in his chamber by two of his maids. “Princess Emlié is here.”

“Send her in.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Emilié entered shortly after with a vibrant smile on her face, the one that would light up every single room. Had she not been his own son’s future Queen, the King wouldn’t have let such an opportunity pass by.

“You’d like to speak to me, Princess?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but—“ She pursed her lips, looking at his servants. “—Could we speak alone?”

“Don’t mind them. They’re quiet as mice,” the man said and raised his arms so the girl in front of him could button up his shirt. “I’m a busy man, Princess. You’d better not waste my time.”

Emilié straightened her back and cleared her throat. She couldn’t let anxiety talk her out of this. “It’s…It’s about the girl named Ann living in this palace, Your Majesty.”

“What about her?”

“Well…She’s a dear friend of my future husband, your son, Edward, and we are very close to each other. She’s told me that she…she had a desire for…you, Your Majesty.”

The King froze at once, then held up his hand to tell his maids to step aside. The Princess stood with her head hung low as the monarch approached her. His broad-shouldered figure towering over her, leaving her hands trembling on her sides.

“Is this true?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. And I’ve noticed the way you’ve always looked at her, so I told her that you might feel the same, and she was very happy.”

“Was she now?” 

Emilié nodded, then finally looked up at the older man, faking a smile. “She will be waiting for you at midnight, in your library, if you are interested.”

There was a long pause in the conversation. The King probably needed a little bit time to think about the offer, but of course, he couldn’t say no to it.

“Tell lady Ann, I’ll be there.”

“She’d be thrilled to hear that, Your Majesty.” Emilié bent her knees and gave the King one last smile before making her way out of his chamber. Her heart was beating like a drum, yet there was a strange kind of liberation inside of her. She’d thought she would feel so remorseful for doing the thing that she’d done, but now, revenge actually made her feel…alive. 

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.

“So I was all of those dead girls, and Harry was all of those dead guys?”

“Y-yeah…” Jason nodded fast. “Jeez, it sounds creepy when you put it that way.”

Y/N hated how her best friend sneaked in a joke in every situation, including ones like this. She ignored him and continued, “okay so…if that’s true. Then why did it only happen to Harry and I, and not…you…or Lisa! Or anyone else for that matter!”

“Okay, my theory…” He tapped a finger on his lip, forehead crinkled from thinking too hard. “The witch, well, the first you, got angry because Edward didn’t stop her execution, so she cursed him to never find love again?”

“Then she would curse him to die in every lifetime, but that wasn’t the case wasn’t it? You told me there was that girl who killed herself, one died from a disease? I mean, why would you curse your own self in the after life to die? Unless this witch me really sucked at being a witch.”

“Okay, you’ve got a point, so it wasn’t her who cursed him.” Jason rested his chin on his knuckles on blew air from his mouth from frustration. 

“Yeah, I refuse to believe the first Harry would agree to kill the first me, I mean, he might not be Harry but he was still…Harry. And Harry’s too kind...” She bit on her bottom lip, holding back another sigh as she mumbled to herself, more like a realization then a wild guess, “maybe he was just late. He couldn’t save her.” 

Jason noticed the way Y/N kept her head down and he intended to ask her what she was thinking of. He didn’t need to though, it was her who spoke first, “so what will happen in this life then?” Her voice was trembling because she was truly afraid. “Is either of us going to die?”

That, Jason had no answer for. He wished there was anything he could do to find out, to protect her, but he knew as much as she did, maybe less. He couldn’t be her hero, not in this story.

“I…don’t know…but that was how it went, right? They died because they fell in love.”

It took Y/N a moment.

“No…” Her eyes widened as she discovered something. “They died because they tried to get together. They all met at the wrong time, one was either taken, engaged, forbidden by their family or too old and too young for each other…But Harry and I, we’re different.”

“He’s got a girlfriend, Y/N!”

“He told me he broke up with her, J! He told he loved me right before you called.”

“He…he did?” Jason didn’t know how to feel about this, but he’d got a bad feeling because it wouldn’t be this easy. He didn’t want to tell her that though, she looked so much happier, he couldn’t put out the hope in her eyes.

“Yeah, this is a good sign right?” She smiled, exhaling all at once. “Maybe we’re an exception! Maybe it’ll all work out in this lifetime!”

“Y/N, I think—“

Suddenly, Jason was interrupted by a voice from the other side of the door. “Y/N, are you in there?”

“Sarah?” Y/N spoke up, giving Jason a look before standing up from the toilet lit.

“Oh God, there you are! Everyone’s been looking for you. Are you alright in there?”

“Yeah, I’m on the phone…” Y/N answered honestly, but she couldn’t help but notice how frantic her friend sounded. “What is it, Sarah?”

“Harry…” There was a pause, as if Sarah couldn’t find a proper way to deliver this news, or maybe she didn’t want to be the one to do this. It took her a few seconds to finally complete that sentence, knowing it would crush Y/N.

And, it did.

“Harry…Harry’s in the hospital, Y/N.”

[luminoustico]

For End of the Year Writing Meme: All the questions sound super interesting so just use this as an opportunity to answer whatever questions interest you most

So funny story I put this in my drafts to complete in the quiet time of New Year’s Day, but then I forgot about it completely. BRACE YOURSELF.

A. If you could rec a piece of music to accompany one of your fics, what would you pick? Why?

Lies by Marina and the Diamonds, to accompany the latter half of Valse Melancolique. It’s a really good song to show Irene’s POV at that point, especially her reluctance to accept that the webs she’s spun are basically collapsing around her.

“I just want it to be perfect / To believe it’s all been worth the fight,” is the most relevant set of lyrics, IMO.

B. Who’s your favourite side-character from something you wrote?

I really enjoyed writing side characters like Rose and Finn, though Rose just edges it because I’ve been enjoying writing her in Don’t Complicate It. Finn runs a very close second.

C. Get any good comments on your stuff this year?

Sure! All comments are good comments, let’s be real. Unless they’re an obvious troll comment or those “update now!!!” kind of comments. Those aren’t so good.

D. Any drawings or pictures that had a big influence on your writing?

The artwork of the late 18th century and Roberto Ferri definitely influenced the tone of Valse Melancolique. Many scenes from certain stories were driven by a single image I had in my head as well.

E.  Who’s your favourite main character you’ve written?

Though I do enjoy delving into Ben/Kylo’s psyche, I enjoy writing Rey more – she’s more enclosed, and I love chipping away at characters to get to their truths.

G. Where do you think you grew the most this year?

Towards the end of the year, I began to realise that writing can actually be fun like it used to be. I’ve been so aware of the way the world is currently that I’ve been convincing myself that my writing must have a message, or it’s not ‘worthy’. I need to understand that I started writing not to pass on any morals or messages, but as a release and a way to find enjoyment in the constant buzz.

H.  How do you write? Paper, pen, computer? Music, no music?

All of those. I write on my phone, on my computer, on pen and paper. Music and no music, it depends. Most often I’m listening to a playlist/album which then stops and I cease writing an hour or so later realising I’ve been writing in silence.

I.  What’s your favourite work you did this year? Why?

I’m always tempted to answer this kind of question with my most recent story. But I’m going to be really honest and say that star among the stars is a personal favourite. And it’s not just because of the pegging.

J.  What are the best jokes you told this year? Any jokes you thought were funny that people didn’t catch? Vice-versa?

I’m completely blanking on this one.

K. Who have you killed this year? Why did they have to die?

Qui-Gon Jinn (to match with canon), Molly and Sherlock (hey it was a story based on Dangerous Liaisons, and I was reading classical Russian literature at the time of plotting) and Kylo Ren a bunch of times (metaphorically).  

L.  Which character did you most write about this year, and why do you like ‘em?

I wrote more about Rey. As mentioned before, it’s because I like chipping away at a character’s surface but also it’s because I really relate to her, especially in regards to her feelings of loneliness and her tendency to put on ‘a brave face’. Plus I really admire her compassion and her strength. I envy it.

M. Meta! Have any meta about a story you’re dying to throw out there?

Not particularly -- just headcanons and reasons behind why I write what I write. (I’ve never been very good with meta anyway.) I really like it when other people meta my fic, or pick up on something I didn’t! That is an AMAZING feeling. 

O. Do you believe in outlines? Show us one!

I do indeed! I love my outlines. For some projects, I’ve got whole folders with docs labelled Initial Ideas, Plot Summary, Chapter Outline, etc. etc. I’ve got my notes app on my phone stuffed up to the gills with mini-outlines. I frequently use my story structure template, which is technically more for screenplays, but the breaking down into acts thing helps my brain figure things out. 

P. What are your pet peeves in other people’s work?

When an author relies too much on UST and ruins the pacing. Like, an author drags out the first getting together because they believe that the anticipation is the only thing generating comments. If it’s right to have them bang, have them bang! The awkward morning after is a delicious opportunity for UST -- just a different kind. 9 times out of 10, your readers are there not for the smut because they’re invested in the story and like your writing.

Q. Quote three bits of writing you read this year. Can be your writing, or not.

Let’s mix it up.

“ “Why did you do that?” he demanded as they ducked into a side alley. “What part of ‘keep a low profile’ is difficult for you to understand?”

“I’m a good haggler,” Rey said through a full mouth. She didn’t have any idea what she was eating, and she didn’t care. It took so much effort to chew each bite instead of gulping it down whole. “He was trying to cheat us.”

“You didn’t haggle. You pushed.”

“I did not. Why would I knock him over in the middle of his stand?”

Kylo just stared. “You need a teacher,” he muttered. He watched her eat for a moment, his expression somewhere between thoughtful and disgusted, before taking a bite from one of his own skewers. Disgust won out. ” -- Symmetry and Black Tar by audreyii_fic. (Grumpy smuggler Kylo Ren, spunky scavenger Rey, canon divergence. Excellent.)

“ "Ben," Rey breathes once Kylo's mere inches away. It's the name Luke introduced him with, the only name she knows him by, and he's never bothered to correct her. Why hasn't he corrected her? The question flees from his mind as she closes her eyes and he leans down into the space between them, kissing her full on the lips. It's not gentle, he doesn't know how to be, but she opens for him the way the flowers she loves so much bloom in the sunlight. ” -- the surface of last scattering by diasterisms. (It’s the apocalypse, it’s exactly the right time to meet the love of your life, right? Read for utter devastation.) 

“ Rey could spend hours in the Falcon’s inner workings. She’d spent so much time in the belly of hollowed-out Star Destroyers, which were horrific remnants of old worlds, cold and grey. The Falcon is alive, speaking a strange language she’s just about half-deciphered. Sometimes, on days where she misses the connection most and dreams of a boy reaching across the stars to find her, it feels like the Falcon doesn’t want to speak to her. It shuts down. Sparks spit at her, and mechanisms develop odd faults.Today, a jet of steam blows directly in her face, not harmful, but almost like a snarl of 'go away'.

Rey climbs out of the hatch, fetching tools. She works with that fault first.

“I’m not thinking about him,” she promises to no-one but the ship she’s looking after. ” -- If I was born as a blackthorn tree, by me!

R. If you had to rewrite one of your stories from scratch, which one would it be? What would you do to it?

Going to cheat here and head back to 2017. I’d rewrite Two Stars Aligned. What I’d probably do is make it a post-TLJ fic, where Rey and Ben decide to run away after getting involved in a secret relationship, but get shot down by the First Order -- after landing in Giaca, they become embroiled in Game of Thrones style politics and the ruling families, while the Resistance and the First Order conduct searches for them. I’d cut out the weird Force shit and make the redemption arc thing more organic by giving the whole story room to bloody breathe. Two Stars Aligned is actually the reason why I now try to stick to oneshots for exchanges and any anthologies I get involved in.

S. What’s the sexiest thing you wrote this year?

Sexiest thing written in 2018... It’ll have to be the pegging in star among the stars.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

Feminism. Females being allowed to be as fucked-up and broody as the men they love, and perhaps, even broodier. Make women afraid of commitment, 2k19.

U. Any stories that took an abrupt U-turn from where you thought they were going?

If I were a blackthorn tree took a pleasing turn away from the initial outline. The initial idea was lots of secret trysts and stuff like that, but I much prefer the quiet romance with a note of hope at the end that it turned out to be.

V. Which story was the most viscerally pleasing to write? Tell us your narrative kinks.

Huh. Hm. Don’t Complicate It is turning out to be kind of fun to write; when I’m not allowing myself to be crippled by the brain goblins that is (they’re strong lately). It’s a combo of writing a trope/kink I’ve been wanting to write for ages -- A/B/O -- and remembering that it’s okay to have fun with it.

W.  Who are your favourite writers?

@kylo-wouldnt-like-those-chips - @conchepcion (every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in *shakes fist*) - @introspectivenavelgazer - @audreyii-fic - @kylorenvevo - ambiguously - @fettuccine-alfreylo and SO MANY MORE (this post is long enough already!!)

X.  What’s your least favourite work of this year?

My least favourite has to be In Cars. It was an ambitious idea, which I didn’t really fulfil, I feel. Curse of being a perfectionist. I want something to be amazing. World-changing! Tear-jerking! I want Vestal virgins to weep golden tears over my words, already delicately transcribed onto ancient parchment by monks. Obviously, that’s an impossible standard, but I can’t help being cross when I don’t reach it.

Y. Why did you write? For fun, for a friend, for acclaim?

During 2018? Mostly for acclaim. It made 2018 a very difficult year for writing, and just a difficult year in general. I’m trying to make sure I have fun during 2019 with this stuff. Striving for perfection is a punishing task that no-one can ever accomplish because perfection doesn’t exist. Contentment does, though. As does happiness. And those should be more important.

Z. If you could choose one work and immediately finish it, what would it be? How would you end it?

I’d finish Sanctum, my priest Kylo fic. I’m split between continuing or rewriting anyway (the rewrite would include relocating the action to the medieval era, around the time Luther wrote that damned essay and pinned it to the church door). But I do know the exact image I want to finish on, which will remain whether I end up rewriting or not. It involves a name, a scrap of material and a rather fetching colour scheme. 

Ooh. Cryptic.

[lanadelreyfiles-blog]

Dreams Unwind: Lana Del Rey in conversation with Stevie Nicks Lana Del Rey muses with collaborator and self-proclaimed 'witchy sister' Stevie Nicks about the forces that shaped her anthemic new album—and her very own lust for life. Pre-order V108 here. "It's just time," whispers Lana Del Rey on her end of the telephone. "Time has brought me here." When Del Rey returned with 'Love' this year—the first song from her fifth album, 'Lust For Life', out July 21—a tonal shift was immediately apparent to anyone familiar with the singer’s notoriously dark discography. Beginning with her first record, 'Born To Die', Del Rey’s previous four releases have been rife with references to ill-fated romance, tragedy, and betrayal. This song, however, resonated with a new note: hope. In the accompanying video, Del Rey serenades a generation of kids who are quite literally reaching for the stars, cooing lines like, “The world is yours and you can’t refuse it” and “Don’t worry baby” (the latter being a nod to the 1964 Beach Boys song) as she beams from ear to ear. Time itself is an ever-present theme in her work, though how she interacts with it has changed on her new album. With 'Lust For Life', she revisits sounds and visuals from her early work with a mature perspective while bridging the past and the present both personally and politically. “Coachella—Woodstock in My Mind,” a song that draws parallels between two musical gatherings set against times of conflict, is a perfect example of this. It is only fitting, then, that the inquirer on the other end of the phone line is Stevie Nicks, fairy godmother to Del Rey’s genre of enchantingly romantic pop rock, who was on her way to becoming the voice of her own generation when Woodstock took place nearly five decades ago. As it turns out, time—and a series of seemingly unrelated events throughout the courses of their lives—is also what brought these two kindred spirits together.

STEVIE NICKS: Helloooo? Is this you? LANA DEL REY: It's me! SN: How are you from your little perch in the 'H' of the Hollywood sign? LDR: [laughs] Oh, I'm good. I'm sitting comfortably up here. It's a clear evening, so I can see what everyone is getting up to down in the City of Angels. Thank you for asking. SN: I was wondering, do you think that maybe I could rent the 'W'? LDR: You know it is so crazy that you're asking me that because I was thinking you would actually love to move into the 'O'. SN: Well, the reason I picked the 'W' is so that I could have an A-frame place, with a big, high ceiling. So, now I've decided that if I'm going to live in the 'W', then we're going to be like witchy sisters, so I have taken on a new name: Marina Del Rey. But wait, it gets better! You know the little Yorkie we brought to the studio? Her name is Mana. She's gonna be our witchy Yorkie and her name is gonna be Mana Del Rey. LDR: [laughs] Oh my God. It wouldn't be right if we didn't have a little witchy guard dog. SN: So, let us start here on your new record. But let us first touch on the fact that your first record was called 'Born To Die'. Now this [record] is 'Lust For Life'. In between that, what is it that affected you enough to go from 'Born To Die' to 'Lust For Life'? Because 'Born To Die' is pretty dark and 'Lust For Life' is pretty light. If you have a lust for life, that's a pretty strong statement. LDR: Yeah, they're complete opposites, and it's funny because when I chose the title, I didn't think about it right away. It was the title of the first song I wrote for this record. But there are so many things that have gotten me to the point that I'm at now. One of them is just time. And because I do write everything myself, I just wanted to chronicle how I was feeling honestly, in the moment, for each record. So, I had a lot of stories that I wanted to tell that I hadn't told yet up until this point. And now, through the last four records, I got out a lot of those stories and a lot of those feelings, and for the first time, I've caught myself up to real time. And now, I'm at this place where I feel like I'm really present, and when I'm reading the news, I'm really reading it, whereas before I was a little bit in my own head. So, there's definitely been a feeling of freedom and lightness being in the present moment. That brings on that lust for life feeling, when you don't have all of those feelings about the past weighing you down. I remember an interview that you did once where you said, "Around every corner there's an adventure waiting to happen," and I'm kind of in that zone right now. I just feel like whatever each day brings me is something that I need and I want. It's just time. Time has brought me here. SN: The way that we write is like we're writing a diary as our songs go. If I listen to all the songs from 'Bella Donna', and then I listen to all the songs from 'Wild Heart', all the songs from 'Rock A Little', and then I get to 'The Other Side Of The Mirror'...I was just thinking about this one song called 'Doing the Best I Can (Escape from Berlin).' It goes [begins to sing] "It's all right, baby, I'm doing the best that I can." I named it that because of this idea of escape. Something horrible was going on in Berlin, and I was also finding my way. I was in a drug-filled fog at that point, fighting for survival. I look back on it and go, You were really trying to survive in 1989. And then I actually went to rehab in 1994 to get off that horrible tranquilizer, Klonopin—from there, I start watching my life come back around, starting with a record I did called 'Sweet Angel', which was about the aftermath of rehab and coming back into the real world. And from then on, my path started to go up. And if I had not written all those songs, even reading all my journals from that time, they wouldn't have really told the story, but the songs really told me the story of how bad that whole thing was. And I could watch, through the songs, my life start to come back to me. I think that we put out this running commentary on not just what's going on in our lives, but what's going on in the world at the same time. It's a parallel thing. So, I see you doing the same things I did. LDR: It's a delicate balance because you're chronicling your own story and then you're also reflecting back what you see. It can take work not to let your world get too small, so that you're still in both worlds. You've got your world with your own inner dialogue and your own narrative and the way that you write, and then there's everything else. It's funny, it's been a minute since I've gone through my records, but I did do it recently and I hear so much of my own self and my own stories, but I don't  get as much of the outside world as I thought [I would]. This record is really different. When there were the women's marches, I was writing about that. There was enough space in my mind to really absorb everything. I think I was very much in the mix of culture in California over the past five years, but it feels good to feel more connected to a wider world. SN: I think we're all much more connected with what's going on right now. LDR: That's true. Regardless of where someone is at personally, the current landscape jolts you into being present, if you're not crazy. If you're a normal person, you're suddenly aware and watching everything. SN: And you're getting up every day and waiting to find out what new thing has happened. I have never been that way before, ever, until the last two and a half years. LDR: It's a very different time for everybody. Because there is something new every day that you read and you're like, Oh my God, is that real? SN: My mom used to always say to me, "You're on a mission here. People out there who are hurting or are sad or have something horrible going on in their lives, when they walk into your house of love or your house of music, you are going to take them on your own little adventure that's going to pull them out of their life for a minute. And hopefully, when they leave you, they're going to take a little bit of you with them and they're going to feel better the next day." LDR: I love that. SN: I think as songwriters right now, there's a lot of songs I'd like to write that wouldn't be very nice songs, but I'm not going to do it because we're not going to help anybody by doing that. Then we're just going to be in with the masses and we're not going to be above the fray. Write your songs, but remember that we're the ones that are here to lighten, to lighten life, to light the lanterns and the little fairy lights, and try to keep people going. We have to have hope. We have to believe that this will all end up okay and that we'll all end up okay. Because we don't do it, then who the hell is gonna do it? LDR: You're right, there's no other way. As far as I'm concerned, there's really not another way to sensibly think about it. I was never a huge self-editor—I wrote songs and then I felt like, Okay, well that's that. And now, I've found in the last two years that I've really been editing some of the language of some of the songs in light of the political landscape, [because] I don't want to be a part of anything that adds to that negativity. SN: And your record, do you have favorite songs? Do you have ones that have your biggest messages or ones that you think are the most helpful to all the people that love your music? All the old women like me and the little girls who are listening? LDR: I knew that the first song I wanted to put out was 'Love' because of everything you and I have been talking about so far. It's just the age-old thing: love is all there is. And I really was feeling that way. I made a lot of records for myself, chronicling my own stories, and I've played so many shows now, I've seen all the same kind of kids and grown-ups coming to the shows, and I really wanted to make a record for them. And then, I've been friends with Abel [Tesfaye] from The Weeknd for a long time, and I knew I wanted to put the title track, 'Lust For Life', out second because we have so many mutual fans and I knew they would love it. And then 'Coachella—Woodstock in My Mind' I wrote on my way home from Coachella when things were getting hostile between North Korea and U.S., and all those failed missile launches, which happened the day after the first night of the festival. I feel lucky to be able to speak my mind through music right in the present moment. I think one of my favorite tracks on the record is called 'Yosemite.' The chorus is [begins to sing] "We did it for me, we did it for free, I did it for you, you did it for me, we did it for the right reasons." SN: I love it. LDR: And that's been the theme of my record: being in touch with what it takes to do things for the right reasons. All the actions that you need to take beyond just all the words and all the decisions I knew I wanted to make this year. And that song is special because it's really a song about surrounding yourself with people who put their art and love first, who did it for the right reasons, not just the money. And I have a couple of songs like 'God Bless America,' and another song called 'When the World Was At War We Just Kept Dancing,' which is about what we've been talking about: trying to stay positive and just believing that things are going to be okay. And if it feels like they're not going to be okay, we'll try to make them okay individually and then together. SN: I have not heard all these songs. LDR: I want to play them for you the next time I see you! And I'm so proud of the song that we did, 'Beautiful People, Beautiful Problems.' I just love your performance on it. The people reading probably don't know that you know my longtime producer Rick Nowels from high school, basically. SN: I've known your producer since he was 13 years old. LDR: He loves you so much, you know. SN: I do. It's because we've been through so much together. My friend Robin [Anderson] died of leukemia and her brother got this terrible brain tumor, so Rick, Lindsey [Buckingham], and I are the survivors of those five people. And then, Rick went on to be this totally famous producer and songwriter. He started with me in 1985 on 'Rock A Little,' when Jimmy Iovine dumped me and the record into Rick's lap and said "Goodbye, good luck." LDR: Which is so full circle because he ended up being the head of Interscope, which I'm signed to. There are so many full circle moments. SN: I think all of these little things, in a really fairy tale way, lead me to you and lead you to me in a strange witchy way. It's set up, like all of these things that happened with my friend Robin, and her brother, and Rick, and everyone moving down here, me being Jimmy Iovine's girlfriend from 1980 to 1984, then him giving the record and me to Rick, basically saying "Here, take them both and go." All of this led to me meeting you and singing on your record. The butterfly's wings flap in Africa and something is achieved by that butterfly across the world. That's this story started, I think. LDR: I don't know if you said it in the same interview I mentioned earlier, but at some point you said that sometimes you wonder, Does anyone even notice? Sometimes you wonder when you put something out, Does anyone even notice? But it all matters. Every little thing that each person does in their individual life, even when it feels like it's not a big decisions or not a big move, matters. Just being open to beautiful things happening creates them. SN: That sentence was about how sometimes over the last 10 years I would say, "Does anybody really notice that I'm a really good singer now? How much better my voice is than it was 20 years ago?" You have a beautiful voice and I've already learned things to add to how I sing from you. Working on your song has changed me forever because I've learned from you. We are witchy sisters and that's it. That's where 'Beautiful People, Beautiful Problems' comes from, because we are trying to ride above all the problems and have hope in everything else, but it's still a world filled with problems no matter how hard we try to change it. LDR: That's what the song is about. It was such a special moment. It just goes back to my favorite song on the record, 'Yosemite,' and doing it for the right reasons. Here we were in the studio, and when Rick and I were talking about who the other singers should be on the record, you were the only person we could both think of because of your intention and [how] that always comes through in all the music. That really closed the door on the record in the right way. It was the perfect last moment, so thank you for that. SN: Well, I am so happy that the butterfly wings flapped at the perfect time and it made it happen because I think that, in our lives to come, we'll be able to work on many more songs together, because you know I don't just want to sing with anybody. I just want to sing with the people that I think can make me better and make something that's better than both of us singing by ourselves. That's the only reason for solo artists to sing together. LDR: Amen to that. SN: You know, I think I told you this, but as I travel around the country [touring], I do get to sit down in between [shows] with my friends and hold their hands and laugh about the past, and my one friend that I wrote my first song about—the 'I've Loved and I've Lost' song I told you about—his name is Steve. I always dedicate the song to him because I was so crazy about him when I was 15 and a half; my parents gave me this guitar and I wrote this little song about him. And I can honestly say that I was as in love with him as I have ever been in love with anybody. LDR: That's such a beautiful thing to say. I feel the same way. Obviously when you're at different stages in your life, things hit you harder, or just in different ways, but the way I love has always been the same. I don't know if that's just wholeheartedly or maybe you're only attracted to a certain kind of person, so when that type of person comes around, you really feel it, but when these 15- and 16-year-olds are going through heart break, I really feel for them, because it's real. SN: It's totally real. And what I was going to say to is that it's funny, because this guy knows it, and I know it, and his wife knows it, and it's fine because it doesn't mean anything except that real love never dies. LDR: It's making me smile hearing you say that. Because that's what makes life beautiful. Just having that open heart and letting it be exciting in the moment, just having that energy between two people. SN: Every time I see this guy he goes "You need to come and visit us because we don't have a lot of time. We're both in our 60s, and time doesn't go on forever." So I'm living in the moment. I just jump on a plane and I go and do this, and I go and do this, and I come back and I do this. And I'm like, Why don't I get a day off? But the thing is, if you stop, you stop. LDR: I know. It's such a big decision when you decide to become an artist because once you're in it, you're in it. And then there is a certain level of momentum that you want to keep. SN: It's a very big commitment. You know, Lana, my dad used to always say about me, "She's never going to get married." And I'd look at him—I was in my 30s—and I'd go like, "Why would you say that, Dad?" And he'd go, "What you do is too important to you. And you are never going to be the kind of girl to have somebody say 'You can't,' or 'You're not going to go back on tour, are you?'" LDR: Do you think that the fact that he said that switched something in you and made you think, I'm not going to get married? SN: I think that my dad knew me really well. And for me as an artist, I was always going to want to follow my muse. And that muse was writing songs and going on tour. And so for me,  I tended to say, "Well, I'm not going to be able to [get married]. I will have love affairs and I'll meet many great men in my life, but I probably won't commit to a relationship." Look at me. I'm 68 years old and I just finished 48 shows—two-and-a-half-hour shows—which were preceded by 220 three-hour Fleetwood Mac shows. What kind of relationship could somebody like me have? LDR: You know what, though? There's billions of people in the world, but there are a handful of people that have that special, strong relationship with their own muse. For some people, it's the biggest part of their life and the biggest relationship: following that energy, that muse, and the serendipitous twists and turns of life. The amazing thing, too—and not just with romantic relationships—is when you find other people who know exactly what that life looks like, you know? That it's just not going to be straight and narrow. It's such a blessing when you run into people who don't color within the lines, that do the same things you do. SN: I want to add, having said all that, I would never believe that it is not possible that coming right around the corner is the man of my dreams, at 68 years old. It's possible, and I accept the possibility of that completely. LDR: A hundred percent. And you know, life is short, but life is long, too. And there are so many things for everybody that have yet to come. SN: Because after everything we've talked about, if we can honestly say that love never dies, if my heart can still flutter when I see my boyfriend from when I was 15 and a half, I cannot honestly say that there is no chance for real love in my life somewhere in the next 15 or 20 years. Because I believe that there's always that possibility. I never want people to think that I'm some cold woman who thinks that love may have existed all those years ago when I was younger, but doesn't exist in my dreams now, because it does exist in my dreams now. But I'm also really good not having it because I'm not lonely, I'm not bored. I have so much to do that I can hardly get three hours of sleep. LDR: You have a beautiful relationship with yourself. SN: I do. And I never get tired of it. I know people who are bored stiff, and that'll never be me. I could never be bored in this world. Because of what we do, whether you have a relationship or don't have a relationship, you balance it. I have to say that there have a been a few men in my life that have liked what I do, and have liked my friends, and have liked the fact that I like to stay up late and sit at the piano and light the candles, and were happy to lay on the couch with a book while I was doing that. They were few, but they were there, they did exist. And sometimes, I thought that the great loves of your life are the ones that just make you crazy, and say they're coming to your house and don't show up, and the phone doesn't ring, and you just want to kill yourself. And then there are the ones who actually just dig what you do and who you are, and you put them in the second category of great loves. And then the nutcases of your life are the ones that were in the first category of your great loves, but they're the ones you could never have lived with! LDR: Absolutely. There are two different types of lovers. There are the crazy ones and then there are the ones who are really there. SN: Exactly. And I still know all of my loves—all of them. I'm like Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger with all the vampire boyfriends. LDR: [laughs] I can't picture you getting into a relationship with someone who, on some level, doesn't have an extremely strong connection to you or a strong commonality that wouldn't span decades or eras. I'm still dear friends with my first boyfriend, and we didn't have it all in the moment, but he was the world's nicest guy and he's still in my life. And that's been the same with a lot of my boyfriends. I feel like, for me, it wouldn't make sense to get involved with someone who I didn't think could be either some type of really close confidant or someone who just really got me on some level. SN: I think you'll find, as years go by, that some of those men will matter to your more down the line, because they're the ones who really seem to know you. So, it's good. Lana Del Rey, I think we've filled up their entire magazine by now. LDR: You're amazing and I can't wait to see you. Maybe it'll be when you move into the 'W'. SN: That's definitely going to happen soon, like next week. LDR: That's the dream. SN: That is our dream and we make dreams come true, so it's going to happen. I can't wait to see you, too. I hope when people read this interview they know that kindred spirits find each other along the way and that love never dies.

[countdowntocake]

50 Personal Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes! Tagged by @leorysxi Tagging No One! 1. What kind of food can’t you stand?
Anything that's really cheap or really processed (basically most candy and junk food, except for some quality chocolate). Also coconut. Fuck coconut. 2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?
As of right now, having to remember princess lessons in MidCin and IkeSen. If I could just store infinite stamina (or at least like 10 hours) I'd be such a happy camper. 3. Have you got any useless talents? Idk if it counts as a talent but I can do multiplication, addition, and subtraction from left-to-right. 4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be? Remembering things. 5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking. There are plenty, but off the top of my head Andy Biersack for guys (I don't even listen to BVB but I do listen to his solo album lol) and Zendaya or Sofia Vergara for ladies.
 6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? Daydreaming or playing video games (I got my first hand-me-down DS when I was 7). 7. What is something you’re proud of? I'm plenty cocky about a lot of things, but if I had to pick it would be that I was selected out of like 700 kids in my middle school to represent them in a young leadership conference during my first year there.
 8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? Vapidness in general. 
 9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a leader (see number 7)! One of my young childhood memories was when I was at the beach on vacation when I was maybe 6, and I was trying to direct a bunch of other little kids on how to build a proper sandcastle (I'm now currently discovering my interest in the field of architecture, funnily enough).
 10. What kind of student are/were you? Extremely curious, tends to monopolize the teacher, teachers pet, has never dipped below a 3.7 GPA.
 11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? I have absolutely no clue tbh.
 12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion. The inevitability of my own death. 13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? Yes, and the first that comes to mind is Edea Lee from the Bravely Default series. She's the daughter of the Grand Marshal (king) of her kingdom, and was raised to follow in her father's footsteps. Though her somewhat biased education had led her to see the world in a very black/white way, her world view is forced to change as she journeys out into the world and joins the other heroes of the story. She wants to make her father and teachers proud, but does not hesitate to disobey them and her state when she sees the consequences of their actions. She's proud, headstrong, and kind (plus she loves food lmao I love Edea and I could talk about her for hours and I'm literally going to name my firstborn daughter after her and no one can stop me). 
 14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I don't really go to parties unless they're small gatherings with friends or family, and the idea of drinking in public terrifies me so idk I'll figure it out eventually.
 15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? It will definitely take awhile. I can get crushes, sure, but if and when I start looking for someone to spend/dedicate my whole life to, I plan to find the right one the first time.
 16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? This is going to sound shallow but 100 casual friends. No matter how perfect we are as friends, only spending time with one person wears thin after awhile.
 17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? Neat-freak, but not extremely so. I just like me some good organization!
 18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy. When I think of cozy, one old southern home in my dad's family comes to mind. In the middle of a town as rural as can be, it's a large, charming white cottage surrounded by massive oak trees. The only sounds that reach it are the occasional train the crosses the edge of the property. Whether I'd be out on the porch swing overlooking the yard, the sunroom in the back with an old couch along an entire wall with a massive window, or even perched in one of the massive oaks on the property, I'd stay there forever and nap.
 19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?
Like I said, I'm totally naming my first daughter Edea. 20. What was your favorite book as a child? When I was in second grade, I used to get in massive trouble for reading the Young Nancy Drew series in math class. I also love the Harry Potter series, and found a book called The School for Good and Evil on the first day of 6th grade and have loved the series since.
 21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about Snapchat, Jake Paul, fidget spinners... I could go on.
 22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated. Marina and the Diamonds! I hear everyone talking about Halsey or Lana Del Ray, but no one ever talks about Marina and her awesome music! ;-;
 23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? I have no clue, but someone I could get comfortable with at least (not a guy, I'm way too shy!).
 24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? I'm just going to be generic and say travel the world.
 25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?
If it's something I feel confident in my knowledge/ability to debate about, then I'll never hold back. 26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?
I'm not one for fads usually, so I don't really have an answer. 27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?
Idk, I was a pretty cool kid. I usually knew when something was too dumb for me. 28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?
A quick wit. 29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) I usually make a wish-list, but I've always gotten plenty of video games, and in recent years I've been receiving jewelry as a gift more often (mostly from my mom because we watch JTV together sometimes and she knows my taste lmao)
 30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? I only know English fluently, but I'm learning Spanish in school, slowly but surely.
 31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? The countryside definitely has its draws (see number 18), but I've also lived in a city all my life and the convenience of everything is really nice...
 32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? I never would have thought it as a kid, but I actually love reading nonfiction. You don't have to struggle to find something with a good story that's suited to your tastes, and you get to LEARN stuff.
 33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?
I guess it depends on what type of spotlight. If it's just drama/popularity, then no thanks, but I definitely want appreciation for what I do and what I've a accomplished so far. 34. Favorite holiday? Easter for pastels and nostalgia, Mardi Gras for fun and family, and Christmas for gifts and candy.
 35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? PLANNING. Because STRATEGY. IS. ALWAYS. (srsly tho don't try to get me into a plan that hasn't been thought out yet because I will ask a million questions and start planning everything for you)
 36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) Most things wouldn't be the same now since I did them as a child, but honestly if I could replay Breath of the Wild with a blank slate I totally would. I tried to take it slow but still ended up rushing the story ;-;
 37. What hobbies do you have? Still video games and daydreaming :p but now with the lovely additions of fanfiction and YouTube!
 38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? Teleporting? You can't kill a man with it, but it's still pretty useful.
 39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you? (Depending on how you met me) I'm super polite and apparently "talk fancy", or that I swear like a sailor in the most deadpan way.
 40. Something that took you way too long to figure out? I can't remember anything off the top of my head...
 41. Worst injury you’ve had? I've never broken a bone, but once when I was like four I got this HORRIBLE carpet burn on my chin from watching cartoons on my stomach at a friend's house.
 42. Any morbid fascinations?
Not really. 43. Describe your sense of humor. Dry, often dark, and is typically enhanced by timing and delivery (deadpan, usually).
 44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? I'm honestly pretty happy where I am. The past sucks in terms of conveniences and sanitation, and where I came from plays a huge part in who I am.
 45. Something you are irredeemably bad at? Probably dancing.
 46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through? When I was younger, my mom would ALWAYS correct me if I forgot to say ma'am or sir, but I'm so glad she stuck with it because now it's ingrained in my brain and helps me to be acknowledged/liked by my teachers and other adults.
 47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) Face tattoo! It doesn't have to be that big, right? Theoretically it could just look like the perfect makeup permanently on my face (and lord knows I'm too lazy for makeup). But realistically, I'm never getting a tattoo. 48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? Realist? I like to operate under "prepare for the worst and hope for the best". I'm confident in my ability to get myself where I want to be, but I know I'll have to work for it. 49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? Probably something about my mind or abilities. I love being complimented on my looks of course (the other day when I was getting my hair done for school a stranger told me I have beautiful hair and I'm still happy about it), but whenever someone in MidCin compliments me as a princess I almost always screenshot it.
 50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you? (In real life) I'm not a total stuck-up bitch. Yes I'm confident in myself and yes I came from a relatively well-off background, but I like to think that I'm nicer than I first appear.

[papermoth-bird-blog]

California Coast: Los Angeles to Big Sur

Yet again, it seems so much has happened in such a short span of time. I’ve seen as much as the coast as I could manage & landed myself in San Francisco. I will spend a few days here & head back to LA- and I’ve seen so much since the time I was last there. I am currently decompressing in the biggest way. I haven’t needed to this much the length of my whole trip. I am intentionally breathing ultra-deep to rinse myself of all the stress I felt building up in my body. It’s over now, I feel safe & in control of my life/story again. It was trying there for a second tho, but I’m learning the signs quicker & quicker these days, which can only be a good thing. Maybe I should speak chronologically tho.

Los Angeles.

I spent much of my days in LA eating a ton of ‘smashed Avo on toast’, as Tom & Caroline would call it. You know I’m not joking- I basically ate that for two days straight. It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me what a creature of habit I am. LA was really chilled out- for many reasons. Firstly, I think that may just be the vibe. Despite it being such a hustle city in someways, it’s like everyone got entranced by the soothing ocean & has constant dreamy eyes. There is a lot happening here still, but people generally feel very happy to be on their hustle in this arena. Anyways, the same dreaminess settled over me too. Most of the  day was spent driving around semi-aimlessly with Tom & Mia. Mia DJ’ing indie pop, trap, hip hop. I felt like a teenager again & remembered again what it was like to just be. Not to have any kind of agenda. That kind of freedom drives many crazy these days, I’ve noticed. I wonder why that might be- are we that uncomfortable with ourselves? does it speak to a lack of tolerance for our own minds or lives or something of the like? Anyways, perhaps that will be explored further later on. For now, I will say, I finally felt absolutely 150 percent okay with having had nothing planned for the day- but also having the confidence with keeping myself occupied constantly. Fully playing it by ear. I felt goooood. I felt in control of my life- in a manageable way. Those glimpses at freedom showed me what I really wanted to carry into my life- however I can manage that.  

As we drove around, the sunshined in. We rolled down all the windows, despite the slightly brisk air. We watched various photoshoots transpire (and there were quite a few of them) in alleys, on the beach, outside fancy houses. We went to Goodwill- as per Mia’s request- despite my adament “I CANNOT SET FOOT INTO THE DEN OF TEMPTATION”. And I should have listened to those instincts- because (no thanks to Mia & Tom’s encouragment) I ended up with a new sweater (but it has such cute little houses on it! it’ll match my cabin one day!). The same could have been said about the in & out burger that we ended up having that afternoon too. Mia talked me into the animal fries which is equal parts disgusting and delicious- catch me at a different mood & you’ll get a different reaction. It’s just fries, with melted american cheese, fried onions & sauce (which is like guck-sauce for the Lick’s burger fans out there). One of the “secret menu items” is the veggie burger- which I kid you not, is just a giant slice of onion in the place of a burger patty & then all the fixings on top of that. The best thing about it was probably just the strangely sophisticated 50′s nostaligia vibe about the In & out chain. And everyone was enthusiastic & nice- which I like to think is a quality everyone looks for in a burger joint. 

By Afternoon we were quite sleepy really. We lazily drove around musing about what to do. Tom shouted “Well let’s just go to the beach & dig a big whole”. Mia tells me this is a thing Tom often wants to do, and in fact, often does. Just digs a hole to sit in it. For some reason it kinda sounds nice, but I have no idea why. Again-another thing to muse about someday perhaps, but not today. When we got back to the house Mia & Tom took a nap. I, not feeling all that tired really, decided to venture out into Venice beach on my lonesome. I walked all the way down the venice pier. When I was walking back down the pier towards the beach, a skater came up behind me yelling “where is your board???” I yelled at him “I wish I had one!” And he stopped to chat. His name was Antony, he’d lived in Venice/Marina Del Rey all his life, been skating pretty much his whole life too. He let me ride his board for a short while & encouraged me to get back into it. I think perhaps I will- although I recently traded my longboard for my travelling backpack- which I maintain was a great trade. Antony recommeded I go down to the skate park down the way, and so I did. And then all the way down the board walk just as everything was closing. I pretty well made it all the way to Santa Monica, but decided to turn back as it was pretty dark by that point. When I was walking back I watched the weirdest phenomena- a storm far, far off in the distance. The weird part was that it flashed red- I think it may have been an illusion created by the last remaining sliver of sunset. Whatever it was- it was beautiful & weird & unlike anything I’d ever seen before. The storm continued through the night- drawing closer to the coast. Around 2 in the morning, it was right above us. It was the loudest lightning I’d ever heard. I jerked awake at several points, half-convinced they were actually bombs being dropped. 

I woke up at 4, to get ready to meet Gopala. That morning, before anyone else in the house was even thinking of getting up, I was at satsung with him at the Sivanada centre in LA. It was only us & Gopika, who lead the morning ritual. Turns out, Gopika knows Mare too (I think from the ashram in Grass Valley). We helped her clean up all the rose petals from the alter from the Puja the day before (or maybe two days?). Gopala kinda took off for a second, without me realizing, and so I waited around the yoga studio, checking in with various friends & families before I invetiably lost service on our adventure up the coast. He came back, and we did a quick Asana practice. We went to the teeny-tiny yoga apartment& ate breakfast there & prepared some kitcherie that we had for lunch later on in that day. There were a few mishaps in the kitchen that kept us longer than we intended. Finally, we were ready to leave the city, until Gopala remembered he wanted to go to the GIta museum in LA. So we drove over there & waited for it to open. I wasn’t supppper interested in going. But as I waited in the car, Gopala called me several times to make sure I was coming. I ended up wandering into the temple alone, which felt better. Eventually I saw Gopala & we wove our way over to the museum entrance- it was actually closed, in order to be re-painted. But we sat and chatted to the painter & the museum keeper. The Museum keeper allowed us in for a brief sneak-peak. The museum is a collection of dioramas depicting certain stories from the Gita. It was pretty beautiful- and obviously is super special for a lot of people. For me, like the bible, the Gita is just a story- a vague tale explaining the nature of love & kindess & truth in it’s various kinds. I’m into spirituality- without a doubt- I am not, however, into dogma, or religion in such a structured form. I find it restraining. I think people should be free to seek these wisdoms, not have wisdoms shoved down their throats- If people aren’t ready to hear things, they won’t hear them. I mean, they will hear words, but not understand the meaning. Dangerously, that creates confusion & people using religious jargon angrily towards people instead of loving people- which is really what it is all about. Anyways, I digress. After that, we headed for the coast. Into the beautiful coast line of Malibu & then beyond that.

The Coast

Much of the coastline wears scars of past fires. the earth & trees are still blackend, few of them leafing to their fullest potential. It makes for the slighest eerie feeling, in an otherwise Neverland-esque landscape. The 101 is the highway that runs in-land, the 1 is the coastal highway. It weaves & hugs the coastline. It takes longer to get from place to place, no-doubt, but it is that one you want to be on if your goal is to *see* California. We took some short detours- driving through the rollinghill/mountains of Ojai, and other smaller towns. We listened to a lot of Jerry Garcia- especially his side-project bluegrass stuff. Gopala is a huge deadhead & even has huge Grateful Dead tattoos. We talked a bunch about music- which he was into, until he was really not anymore. I mean I think we have the same taste in music really, at least in our “past lives”. AKA pre-ashram lives. I get that Gopala is in recovery, but sometimes he grips so hard to the religion stuff, all the other great parts of life get stamped out. At a certain point, he didn’t want secular music in the car anymore & so we went back to chanting mantra & singing along to Guru songs. On the occasion we took breaks to listen to Reggae. As the sun weaned, we stopped in Morro Bay to make dinner on the tiny camp stove. The sunset glowed pale purple behind the huge rock that jutted out of the water. As we ate, we watched a couple sea otters play around in the water. Eventually, we got back in the car & continued driving the highway- this time listening to Vedanta by Sadguru. We were trying to be ambitious, but when we passed our intended stop, Gopala said he wasn’t tired and so we continued on all the way to Monterey, California were we spent the night. 

We drove the car to one of the back corner’s of one of the many Motel Parking lots. We spent the night there in the car, sleeping in the reclined seats. This style of sleeping that never really bothered me, but Gopala seemed worried I was some kind of princess. Which kinda reminded me, that it’s true, he doesn’t really know me that well (nor I, him really). Anyways, it was fine. What was less fine, was having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I spare you those details. lol. 

Monterey & Big Sur

We woke without really saying anything & went straight into the ashram routine- 30 minutes of Meditation, satsung & reading from one of the books Gopala was given by Swamiji. We drove out pretty much right after that, as the sun was rising in that part of the world. Monterey is a cute little spot- with an old spanish-style monestary that I kinda wish I could have gotten a better look at. Not entirely far from Monterey, was our next stop- Big Sur. In between we took our time, stopping at several look off points. The hills were scattered with wildflowers- blue tistle-y ones, orange poppies, yellow canola looking ones. There was also an abundance of a very fragrant plant- that I think may be wild mountain thyme (like the song! *sigh*). I asked the plants if they minded being picked, and I got a good feeling they didn’t, so I gathered a bunch & bound them in hemp string for smudging (or a better/more appropriate word) purposes. 

Another beautiful view on the road was the Rocky Creek Bridge, which flickered passed far too quickly to take a proper picture. My mind’s image is pretty good tho- simple, but sitting on two points a stunning height from the ocean below. Round in it’s support, simple & quiet in design from the road-level. Maybe it’s weird to be so taken with such a small bridge, but I thought it was so beautiful. 

Eventually, we did roll into Big Sur State Park. The forest was dense with huge red-wood trees that blocked out much of the sun- leaving a hazy light on lower level of the forest. Red-woods have a way of making you feel like a tiny ant- insignifcant, but free in that way. Trees are great teachers & I count many of them as deep really friends. I hope to spend some more quality time with Red-woods in the future- I’m sure I will too. This time, however, the rain poured and poured, making it difficult to fully bask in their majesty. Many of the trails were closed. And so, we spent much of the time bundled in all our clothing in the car. 

I made a break for it to set up the tent in a rare 10 minute gap in the rain. It was good thing I did too- because turns out Gopala doesn’t know anything about camping. I set up a tiny tarp in the most strategic way I could manage. I sat thankful for my father in that moment- for teaching me through doing the thing over & over in front of me as a child. He planted some pretty useful tricks in this mind of mine. 

Halfway through the day, we wet for a field trip, hopeful that there would be a break in the rain & we’d find ourselves a good hiking trail- no such luck. We did, however, find the Henry Miller Library- which is really more of a bookstore. It was a really cute spot. Tucked amongst the red-woods just beyond a bend in the road. Someone had converted a huge blue school bus into a house (that kinda looked familiar? like I might have watched a walk through before on youtube or something). The path was lined with strange art- old tv’s, manquins with teeth- and a huge sign that said “art in progress”. The house itself was cedar siding & faded with the wet & with age. There was a cat that ran amongst the table legs, as my eyes flickered between all the novels, a poetic anthologies, and books about the area. Big Sur, as it happened, is a huge attraction for travellers & those who have wandering hearts/minds, when their bodies are more stationary. Many writers- Jack Kerouac, Henry Miller, Robinson Jeffers & musicians settled & were inspired by Big Sur. Henry Miller famously described the area as “the place where nothing happens”. In my mind, that speaks to a certain otherworldliness that exists outside of the concept of time. There are old 50′s trucks on the side of the road, ancient trees, and then a tesla zooms by- it’s bizarre. Through it all though, there is an unpenetrable peace about the area. Even if you happen to be in the company of someone who *might* be driving you slightly crazy.

We drove back & made dinner. I spent much of the evening trying to borrow in my own little world- which, for the evening, consisted of some of the last chapter’s of ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed. Gopala later gave me a lecture about how novels spoil the path to enlightenment, but I kept reading, despite is aimed lectures of my ever behaviour. If only that was the most annoying thing- but he also managed to find many moments to not only explain that to me, but also the nature of periods & how to relieve that pain (bad periods mean you are eating unhealthy, so it would only be their fault). As well as making the comment “I’m glad you aren’t on your period, otherwise I might not have taken you” as he laughed. It was that specific moment that I felt my composure crack & a bit of bitch bubbling up in me. I was still in the middle of the woods, with no way out besides with him though. Instead, I decided to stand my ground firmly & short- without being specifically pointedly rude- although I was tempted to. *It’s a test* I’d remind myself. But ooooph, at moments was I ever fuming. I didn’t even pick at any of his dumb-dumb city boy outdoor-choices, which included a whole slew of strange choices (I will, however slightly dig them here, my safe, yet public, diary of sorts lol).

It rained all night. I love sleeping in the rain, Gopala not so much. I am used to Canada (which is colder for sure than Big Sur), Gopala is not. I woke happy, Gopala... maybe not as much. He went straight into meditation around 4:15 in the morning in the car- leaving it running with the heat on (which besides being obnoxious, also worried me in regards to the car battery dying. Around 5, I also got up to meditate. When we were done, I suggested we break camp early & get out of here. 1) I wanted to be able to get space. 2) hiking was obviously a bust at this point 3) I already had my sister trip ticking in the back of my mind, knowning that the rain wouldn’t make them all wonky in the same way it was making Gopala. I tucked the dream for the future trip in my pocket & decided to move on with this part of the trip. 

So, like we decided, we broke camp early & moved down the coast towards Santa Cruz.

to be continued. 

[albinohare]

A voyage for 21st Century madmen? What drives the Golden Globe skippers

Helen Fretter went to the start of the Golden Globe Race to find out why 17 men and one woman have eschewed modern technology to race solo around the world for 300 days

PPL PHOTO AGENCY – COPYRIGHT FREE for editorial use only PHOTO CREDIT: Christophe Favreau/PPL/GGR Tel: +44(0)7768 395719 E.mail: ppl@mistral.co.uk web: www.pplmedia.com ***2018 Golden Globe Race – Mark Sinclair (AUS) Lello 34 Coconut, passing through the Marina Rubicon ‘Gate’ off Lanzarote in the Canaries.

A voyage for madmen, so was the original Sunday Times Golden Globe Race deemed. When the first non-stop race around the world began in 1968 few thought a man could sail around the world alone. The common opinion was that the limits of human endurance would be reached long before 30,000 miles around the planet could be completed.

In some respects those early critics were tragically correct. Donald Crowhurst was famously driven beyond the edge of reason during the race, falsifying position reports before his presumed suicide. Bernard Moitessier felt the siren call of the sea so strongly he continued on alone, unable to return to western life or even his family. Six others failed, one – Nigel Tetley – after his yacht sank beneath him.

But one man and one yacht proved them wrong. Robin Knox-Johnston and Suhaili showed it could be done when he completed his solo circumnavigation in 312 days. 

Since then more than 200 people have sailed around the world alone, non-stop (for context, some 530 have gone into space, and 306 have summited K2).

From BOC Challenge and Vendée Globe competitors to record-breakers and record-seekers, pioneers of different ages and nationalities, sailing the wrong way round, or from start ports as various as Qingdao and Mumbai, solo sailors have pushed the limits of what a non-stop circumnavigation can be. No longer is there any question that it can be done: the current record time stands at a breathtaking 42 days, set by François Gabart in the 100ft trimaran Macif last winter.

Yachts have never been faster, communication equipment never more advanced, weather forecasting and routeing tools never more accurate. So why on earth would 18 souls bid to sail around the world with the same privations those nine original Golden Globe entrants had to endure? They will not be the first nor the fastest, so why voluntarily cut contact for months on end, place their faith in small, traditionally equipped yachts, and let their fates be determined by the wind, the waves, and their own mental fortitude?

The reasons are as varied as each of the 18 entrants. The premise of the 2018 Golden Globe race is a little extraordinary, and it has attracted a collection of unique and extraordinary characters.

© Christophe Favreau/PPL/GGR. The 2018 Golden Globe Race from Les Sables d’Olonne, France. Uku Randmaa (EST) Rustler 36 One and All leads Antoine Cousot (FRA) Biscay 36 MŽtier IntŽrim

The race was born out of a personal passion. Australian adventurer Don McIntyre finished 2nd in the 1990-91 BOC Challenge solo round the world race, but harked to sail around again in Knox-Johnston’s wake. As the 50th anniversary of Knox-Johnston’s return approached McIntyre started to plan how it could be done. Others showed an interest in joining him, and what started as a personal pilgrimage rapidly evolved into a full-blown race. McIntyre initially planned to take part, but the organisation required escalated until he sold his boat (to entrant Kevin Farebrother) and became race chairman instead.

Perhaps surprisingly, there was never any shortage of people willing to take part. At one stage the entry list was overflowing with 30 declarations of interest and another 15 on the waiting list. In the end, 18 became official entrants, 17 took the startline – the financial, practical and qualification demands of the race having seen all but the most determined away.

Among those 18 were numerous professional sailors, whose CVs include the Jester Challenge, OSTAR, Vendée Globe, BOC Challenge, superyacht events, the Whitbread Round the World Race, and many more.

But there was also a former firefighter, Kevin Farebrother, who admits that he ‘barely’ had the qualifying mileage under his belt; Palestinian currency trader Nabil Amra; 28-year-old Susie Goodall, taking part in her first ever solo race, and amateur yachtsmen for whom the event is a fantasy made reality.

© Christophe Favreau/PPL/GGR Abhilash Tomy (IND) Suhaili replica Thuriya is cheered by 35,000 people lining the river entrance

For Jean-Luc Van Den Heede the race is a chance to recreate a formative moment in his own life. “I followed [the 1966 Golden Globe] at the time – I was 23. I dreamt about this race.”

From watching those early pioneers, Van Den Heede went on to carve out a sailing career few could dream of. He has five circumnavigations to his name, four of them podium finishes (2nd and 3rd places) in both the Vendée Globe and BOC/Around Alone Race. Aged 73, he has absolutely nothing to prove and is gleefully doing this for the sheer fun of it.

“I didn’t want to sail again around the world, for me that was finished. Even if Matmut [his sponsor] gave me €10million I wouldn’t do the Vendée Globe again. I’ve done it twice, and now it’s a technological race, and less of an adventure,” he tells me.

Eager entrant

Yet when a friend mailed Heede details of the Golden Globe Race proposal in 2015, he was signed up within the week. Having raced at the leading edge of competition, will he not find it frustrating to be sailing round the world so slowly? “No,” he says, “it is because it is different that I want to do this.” 

At 73 years he considers that he might be “a little bit too old”, so says he’s taking part with an open mind. However, he is clearly not a competitor to be underestimated and after two weeks of racing was lying 3rd.

Australian Mark Sinclair is another sailor for whom a major draw is the sense of becoming part of maritime history. Sinclair’s diminutive orange Lello 34 Coconut carries a library that includes everything from Homer’s Odyssey to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Naomi James’ Alone Around the World, and of course, Knox-Johnston’s A World of My Own.

“I think it’s crazy to sail single-handed around the world without stopping – why would you do that? Why not stop at all those interesting places? But this is a re-enactment of Knox Johnston’s voyage: frame it like that with a sextant and a Walker trailing log and Nories tables, and it’s just so exciting.”

Sinclair sailed solo from Australia to New Zealand in his early 20s and dreamed of a circumnavigation, but a career and family life got in the way. “One of the problems of sailing around the world is you can put it off, and put it off…” he admits, “But this is the 50th anniversary of Knox-Johnston doing the first circumnavigation. It’s on a date – if you miss it, there’s not going to be another. So it’s a catalyst to action, and I just found it absolutely compelling.”

Others discovered the notion much more recently. Former firefighter and SAS soldier Kevin Farebrother only started sailing five years before he started the Golden Globe, and confirmed his entry after reading A World of My Own during an Everest expedition.

Dutchman Mark Slats is another adventurer for whom the Golden Globe is another personal challenge. Intensely driven and competitive, Slats interrupted his Golden Globe preparation to row the Atlantic, demolishing the solo world record time by five days and rowing relentlessly for 18 hours a day. 

He has set targets for the number of days he wants each ‘stage’ of the Golden Globe to take and says the thing he is most concerned about is losing motivation: “The hardest thing will be to not get lazy, every job can be done tomorrow.”

Slats uses some bizarre psychological tricks to keep driven – even listening to music he hates for hours on end during his Atlantic row so he could ‘reward’ himself with something better at the end of a watch.

He has already completed two solo circumnavigations and has ambitions of one day doing a Vendée. “I want to be competitive in this, I’m going to be racing the whole way,” he says. He is one of the early stage leaders.

As individual as each competitor is the way they’ve approached the preparation and modification of their yachts. Philippe Péché, a Breton whose career has included twice winning the Jules Verne Trophy, is sailing one of six Rustler 36s in the race, but his is branded in the famous orange livery of PRB. His Rustler 36 has hanked-on headsails, lightweight Karver blocks and similar to make the cruising design as lightweight as possible.

Mark Slats is a world record breaking ocean rower

Mark Slats is sailing another Rustler 36. He too has focussed on reducing weight, packing as minimally as he can with no treats or luxuries. Uniquely, Slats also has two rowlocks fitted to his yacht The Ohpen Maverick with an over-length oar designed to be rowed standing. Slats plans to row for up to 12 or 15 hours a day if needed, giving extra impetus through 100 miles or so of the Doldrums.

Jean-Luc Van Den Heede has modified his Rustler 36 by shortening his rig and increasing the roach on his mainsail. He believes being able to sail consistently, reducing the need to reef repeatedly, will pay off. He also wanted to reduce weight aloft for the Southern Ocean.

Traditional aids

Mark Sinclair has kept his Lello 34 as authentic as possible, refurbishing original winches and engine and fitting a 40-year-old Aries wind vane. 

Abhilash Tomy went one step further – his Thuriya is a new build near-replica of Suhaili. 

Tomy, who was the first Indian sailor ever to circumnavigate the globe, wanted to build a boat in India but, according the rules, the only new build permitted was an Eric 32 – the original design of Suhaili (all other yachts must be production models, with at least 20 built and designed prior to 1988).

When he approached Knox-Johnston for advice, Sir Robin pointed out that it would be the slowest boat in the fleet. Undaunted, Tomy bought the plans for $200. “She’s the oldest design, from 1923, but the youngest boat,” he says.

Thuriya is actually a thing of loveliness, more spacious below than many of the more modern designs with beautiful woodwork on the gunwales and bowsprit. While Knox-Johnston was not always complimentary about Suhaili’s sailing capabilities, Abhilash seems fond of Thuriya.

“Upwind I don’t need to touch the tiller, she sails on her own. At 25 knots she starts moving. She likes it; I don’t have to shorten sails too much.

“The boat is in charge, she has a life of her own.”

Besides the restrictions to design, there are huge limitations on what each skipper may take. The banned list includes GPS, radar, AIS, chart plotters and electronic charts, electronic wind instruments, electric autopilots, electronic log, mobile phone, tablets, iPods, or any computer-based device, CD players, video cameras and digital cameras, satellite equipment of any kind, digital binoculars, pocket scientific calculators, electronic clocks or watches, watermakers, and materials including carbon fibre, Spectra, Kevlar, and rod rigging. 

For safety the boats may carry an AIS transponder that does not give access to GPS. For emergency use only, they also carry GPS units in sealed packages. If the seals are broken, or the skipper makes landfall to carry out repairs, then they are moved to the ‘Chichester’ division of the race.

Navigation is by sextant, and all celestial observations and calculations must be clearly recorded for verification.

Communication is limited to Ham radio, weekly satellite calls with the organisers, and very brief telegram-style messages – outgoing only. Weather bulletins are received by radio. 

Despite the drive for authenticity, curiously, engines are not sealed and competitors may carry up to 160 litres of fuel, buying them a few hundred miles of motoring through the lightest airs and at the compulsory film drops to handover their Super8 footage and stills photos.

© Christophe Favreau/PPL/GGR Traditional navigation equipment to be used by skippers in the GGR: Wind-up chronometer, sextant, paper charts, parallel ruler, protractor and trailing log

Provisioning and stowage was a huge challenge for all. Every skipper I spoke to was carrying a spare mainsail, a massive item to carry on such small yachts. Spares included replacement headsails, spinnaker poles, and windvane gear. Endless tools and repair kits have to be carried – Mark Sinclair explained how he had planned to convert Coconut’s saloon table into a work bench if needed, with vices, clamps and timber packed.

Sinclair estimated he also had some 1,000 cans of food on board. Provisioning choices varied with a mix of canned and vacuum-packed meals. With no watermakers on board skippers will need to catch their own water, limiting the usefulness of freeze-dried food. Susie Goodall even opted to go plastic-free with her provisions, using dozens of glass Kilner jars.

A transformative experience

Few of the skippers who set out on 1st July had any real idea how they will contend with nine or ten months with virtually no contact from other people.

As the youngest skipper, Susie Goodall, born in 1990, will never have known life without the internet, email or text messages. It’s likely that music on cassette tapes is as alien to her as the Super 8 cine film supplied to each boat. 

Goodall seemed brittle with nerves before the start, but it was hard to judge if she was nervous about the upcoming voyage, or more likely struggling to contend with the hundreds of people wanting to talk to her about the event in the final few days.

Mark Slatts thrives on utter isolation. Two days into his cross-Atlantic row he cut the wires on this GPS because he found the ‘miles to go’ countdown so intrusive. 

Mark Sinclair, who has sailed thousands of miles solo, was also looking forward to it. “Moby Dick’s got 600 pages, if I read two pages a day I’ll just get through it,” he jokes. 

“I spend most of my time sitting up in the cockpit watching the water go by, I find it hypnotic. 

“Sometimes I have to make a radio sched and it’s so invasive, I feel like it’s invading my space.”

But not everyone can cope: within a week of starting, Ertan Beskardes withdrew from the race. He explained on Facebook: “Not talking to my family regularly to share the daily experiences has sadly taken the joy and happiness from this experience. These feelings gradually got worse until nothing else mattered except to talk to them. This wasn’t an experience I was prepared for.”

Before the start Kevin Farebrother admitted he was nervous about his lack of experience. “And to be honest, the solitude for nine months. It could be too much, I don’t know – if I only last two weeks we’ll know it’s a problem?” he said presciently. 

In fact he retired after exactly two weeks, unable to adapt to sleep below decks. “For me it is like getting into the back seat of a moving car to sleep when no-one is at the wheel,” he said, as he retired from the race. 

Abhilash Tomy is another looking forward to the isolation. For him the bigger challenge is rejoining the modern world.“It’s always the return, coming back that’s harder. It’s painful integrating back into society.

“I found it very amusing last time. You see people having conversations – they’re talking a lot but they’re not communicating what they want to say.”

Tomy believes the race will be transformative for all the skippers. “They all will be changed, but to what degree, to what extent and in what direction is something that will be decided by their expectations of this race, and what experiences they have.”

We will have to wait some 300 days to find out.

  This article appeared in the September 2018 issue of Yachting World magazine – visit https://goldengloberace.com for latest updates on race places and retirements

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