#I’ve genuinely gotten to the point of hating my entire being again and it’s so hard to look in the mirror of take pictures of my self at all

[unfortunate17]

I have been thinking about both Wille’s and Simon’s character progression throughout the series and I have realized that it sort of looks like Wille has a pretty good character progression and has been pretty profoundly affected by Simon and their relationship (in a good way). But I don’t really see any of that for Simon. It sort of look alike he has had more things “taken away” by their relationship. He has lost his privacy, and gets hate to the point where he has had to delete his SM and he gets a rock thrown his window. In a way if they hadn’t gotten back together, it looks like all Simon would’ve gained from this period is trauma. Do you think he gained any positive things from this relationship (in the case they hadn’t gotten back together)?

So I’ve spent a long time thinking about this since you sent me this and I have a lot of thoughts about it, but they’re kind of all botched together. Hopefully I do a decent job explaining myself:

In my opinion, Simon definitely has an arc, it’s just more subtle and not as “flashy” as Wilhelm’s. This is genuinely fine with me for multiple reasons: 1. Simon just isn’t the main character of this story - Wilhelm is. So he’s not going to be the one to go on a life-altering journey 2. Simon, narratively, functions has the moral compass around which Wilhelm centers his life around. He’s there to push Wilhelm into embarking on this life-altering journey.

That being said, Simon’s story arc is really simple and very personal, but no less beautiful. We start in S1 with Simon being loudly himself, and Wilhelm adoring him for it, but this quickly becomes an issue - namely, Wilhelm starts to lowkey take advantage of Simon’s generosity and kindness, and ultimately betrays him. Which is why we get that big argument with Sara where she accuses him of ���letting people piss all over him.”

Moving into S2, we see a Simon who’s taken that conversation to heart - he’s firm with his boundaries, he doesn’t want to give Wilhelm a second chance, he doesn’t want to forgive because he thinks Wilhelm isn’t sorry. Then, he has another conversation with Sara, where she basically tells him, hey, love is crazy, it makes you do crazy things. And yes, she’s projecting here, but once again, Simon takes her words to heart and decides to follow his feelings. He essentially “gives in” to his love for Wille and decides that no matter what, he wants to make this relationship work because he’s in love, damnit, and he wants to be with Wille no matter what.

And this is the mindset that Simon enters S3 with. That’s why we see him making himself small and trying to appease everyone. He’s just so in love, and he wants it to work so badly, until he just can’t anymore. Notably, he doesn’t end things for his own sake - he does it for Wilhelm. He sees that being with Simon is hurting him because it’s allowing Wille to use him as an emotional crutch and stay stagnant in life. So he leaves, starts to close himself off again. And then - dun dun dun - he has another conversation with Sara. He tells her, damn, you were right, I need to stop being a pushover and she shoots back with no Simon, YOU were right, we should give people second chances. And thus, Simon gets out of the car and gives Wille one more chance.

So what does Simon gain out of all of this? Basically, he’s learning to trust himself and his feelings. His entire arc is him basically learning: hey, my morals were right from the start! This is how I want to live my life! Which makes sense really because this is the role he’s playing in Wilhelm’s arc. And it’s not a particularly sexy discovery, but it’s a really powerful thing to learn, especially in your teenage years.

As for specifically Simon’s relationship with Wilhelm and what he gained from that outside of his arc: Wilhelm adores Simon for exactly who he is. And I think it’s a really profound, valuable thing to experience what it feels like to be loved and be in love with someone who really sees you and wants to stick by you through thick and thin. In many ways, Simon has always had to earn love, but he never has to earn Wilhelm’s love. And that’s kind of life-altering in and of itself - to know that love like that exists and that you are deserving of it.

But what do I know fr 😭

[the5thcellar]

Hi, I recently stumbled upon your blog and I am so glad I did! While I’m very sorry for all the troll hate you’ve received, I like the sassy way you’re handling them. I’m trying to find the humor in why so many people are pressed and feel like they need to defend something that you haven’t even denied is real. And just because you have a different opinion, they cannot handle it. Reading your responses, and reading the responses of other people with whom I share similar sentiments, has made me laugh and feel better over the last week. I’ve been desperately trying to find other posts/people that have similar vibes because this whole… situation-ship has been a bit much. I also appreciate your reminder that “no matter how good a man seems, trying to justify anything they do is still a sure path to disappointment!” 

I was wondering if you had any thoughts about Luke’s social media lately? I’ve read some points about how messy his social media presence has been handled (or mishandled) over the past year+ and how it did not help with the way everything played out. Also, I feel like he’s either turned on notifs for Nic because he’s been very diligent about liking all her posts, or maybe, he’s finally gotten a team to handle it. I just feel like everyone is in crisis comms mode, trying to wrangle back control. Just genuinely curious because it’s what I’ve been pondering over for the last day or two. Thank you in advance for your time if you answer my ask!

I'm so sorry this took me awhile - I started replying it in the morning on the way to work but decided I needed to gather my thoughts more.

To the first part: I completely empathise with how the entire situation has just been so "much" - it really has. It seems so silly, but somehow, whether or not two people I DON'T KNOW are in love or not in love, are best friends or are not best friends - can affect so much of my mental and emotional wellbeing.

I know I'm being parasocial (it seems to be the internet buzzword of the moment). But let's be clear: almost EVERYONE online - everyone who has written in to my ask box, who has commented, who has liked - everyone on twitter and tiktok who has talked about this - they're all just as parasocial. Because we're all assuming and casting aspersions on people we do not personally know. No one online who engages in discourse has the moral or ethical high ground. We are ALL in the gutter together (that said - I believe the gutter has many levels 😂).

IN ANY CASE - I just want to assure you that what you're feeling is not some atypical affliction. It is normal to feel awful that something you believed in and something you felt happy about is untrue. It is normal to look for other people who feel the same because misery is always better with company. It is normal to feel disappointed even as you remind yourself that men have been useless since the dawn of time.

The best counter to all these sad, awful feelings is to remember that life is a cycle. That life is complex. And although I'm saying this for the millionth time - that life has many, many grey areas.

As a kid I thought Zanessa was everything. Then they broke up, and she got together with Austin whom I hated. For years I seethed at the very mention of them. And after almost a decade... they also broke up. And not even 2 years after that, she's married and with child.

For a long time I also thought Brangelina was everything - you can't imagine my devastation when they divorced and I found out Brad is a complete dirtbag. But at the same time that I felt this horrible upset - I'm sure TONS of other people were feeling vindicated because they were fans of Jen A.

There are just SO MANY other stories like that. I mean come on - JLo and Ben Affleck. On again, off again, finally made it to the altar ... and now they're headed for divorce.

Chris and Mariska - both married to other people for 27 bloody years (or maybe longer) - and still making it very clear they are each others soulmates - and NOT platonic ones btw.

Tony and Kerry - WHAT EVEN ARE THEY? Perhaps the only pair on the internet that has people rooting for cheating and affairs 😂

Lessons: don't let a long term boyfriend stop you from finding a husband. Don't let a husband stop you from finding your soulmate. Don't let your soulmate stop you from engaging in a late, great love affair.

All crazy, contradicting statements distilled from all the above real life stories.

It makes one thing very clear to me: I can believe what I want to believe about Luke and Nicola. Because no one fucking knows what is in the future. They could get together next month. Next year. When they're in their 70s. No one can tell me SHIT about what I believe - not when life is clearly full of incredible twists and turns.

So fuck it. Fuck the haters and the antis and the naysayers. I can ship them till the day I die and no one can tell me any different. Because how could they? They literally canNOT !

To the second part: this is an easy answer and there's no need to think too much into it. Luke's social media has simply undergone an extensive renovation by his agents and team in anticipation of him becoming a big star (whether or not that will actually happen remains to be seen). All highly personal, "non-aesthetic" posts of his have been archived - his posts are all related to work and his coworkers. He has many posts with Nicola because he / his team knows those get the most engagement - and the more engagement he gets, the better the IG algorithm works in his favour to push his OTHER, non-Nicola or Bridgerton related posts to people's feeds. I don't think anyone is in crisis comms mode tbh. Maybe Nicola panicked a bit after she posted that tiktok that everyone took wildly out of context. But beyond that I don't think the wider audience gives af who he's dating - it seems like his personal life is very big news only because we keep searching about it and talking about it and so it feels like EVERYONE is. But if you step outside the online bridgerton fandom bubble ..... no one cares. There is a HEFTY portion of netflix viewers who watch bridgerton without EVER going online to read about the actors.

Long story short I think Nicola and Luke will become even MORE conscious about what they post - but I don't believe there was a crisis in the true sense of the word. And although Luke's team clearly handles his socials he obviously has access to it as well. Btw - all celebs have someone who handles their socials I'm sure Nic does too, just that she's also on her own account a lot. I don't know if Luke has his notifs on for Nicola's posts but even if he does I don't believe his consistent likes mean anything much. I mean...he also diligently likes all of Antonia's posts 😂

Social media isn't much of an indicator of honesty to me ... as someone whose work heavily involves it, everything is curated to a disgusting degree.

What I put more stock in is what we can see - and what we can see of them when they DON'T think about being seen - which is to say, all the unconscious, natural moments between Nicola and Luke - the vibe around them both, and the easy way they breathe and exist together.

That's what makes me such a big believer in their bond.

[psychrodraws]

📝 (Look as the biggest paldea trio fan i gotta ask)

🚬oh boy here we go (link to ask game)

Arven:

Oh he’s just like me fr. I relate very heavily to Arven, being a jaded senior citizen who hated the world before I was 18 myself. He’s probably one of the most “real” feeling characters we’ve gotten in the entire franchise. Even compared to Penny and Nemona, who I firmly believe are still of equal quality to Arven character-wise, he’s not a kid who accidentally started a gang and bribes people to help fix it with laundered funds or a battling prodigy, he’s just a guy who loves his dog and would do anything for him. An animal lover will always go up a million points in my eyes for that alone. 

His story is tragic and gut wrenching at times, but while they could’ve gone the Silver route of making his tragic story an excuse to be a kinda one-note asshole, he’s… just such a sweetheart. Seeing such a warm and loving heart under that sheet of ice is such a uniquely heartbreaking thing for Pokemon. He’s just so… he’s just so!!!! He’s a lover, a softie, a big dork who makes homemade badges for his friend, a friend he pretends to not even LIKE at first but he still makes you a badge???? “Guard-dog-boyfriend” ass character he’s so goddamn funny. I’ve made an entire post abt his gender expression awhile ago so I won’t go into it here but, I also love that he’s just casually so pretty. Long hair, eyeliner, flowery phone case, “feminine” hobby in cooking, and he’s never mocked or emasculated for it. It’s not even brought to attention! That’s just the way he is and everyone loves him for it! Arven deserves to be a little girly as a treat.🍭

Nemona:

Oh she’s just like me fr. Lacks understanding of social queues? Intense abt her passions to the point of driving others away? Has the burden of expectations placed on her by every adult she knows? Jane Freak where are my royalties I expect my check in the mail by the end of the month. But no seriously, Nemona is everything every rival in this series DREAMS of being. Passionate, well-written, actual character depth and has a REASON to be your RIVAL, instead of the neighborhood asshole or your best buddy old pal :)))) 

If Arven is the most “real” Pokemon character, Nemona is probably the most “realized” Pokemon character. She’s everything this franchise stands for and everything this franchise needed. It really does feel like Nemona wasn’t just made as a response to the complaints of shallow “friendly” “rivals” but as a response to the love, passion and dedication of the pokemon fandom as a whole. I mean for the love of god we’re on tumblr, everyone reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about and can see more than a little bit of themselves in Nemona, I’m certain of it. Nemona has raised the standard of rivals in this franchise to the MOON compared to what came before, (Psychrozen control yourself do not flame Sword and Shield right now we’re being positive) and once the dust has truly settled on SV, I’m certain we’ll look back on her as the highlight of the past 24 years.

Penny:

Oh she’s just like me fr. Penny haters taste my blade. It took me a while to really warm up to Team Star, I’ll admit, but Starfall Street as a storyline is Pokemon storytelling at its peak. Again, like with Nemona, it’s a very relatable story. As bad as it sounds, I mean… we’re all tumblr users here, we know what it’s like to be bullied and we’re all gay. And Team Star is just so… so gay dude.

It’s inspiring and genuinely surprising to see such queer-coded characters in Pokemon. I mean, everyone in SV is queer-coded ranging from “yeah tilt your head and squint and I can see it” to “Brassius and Hassel,” but Team Star isn’t just queer characters, but a queer story. It’s bullied kids banding together to express themselves for who they are, and being punished for it. And Penny at the center of it all, this quiet as a mouse COUGHCOUGHTRANSGENDER girl at the center of it all, who only wanted what was best for everyone, who put herself on the cross when things got out of hand and still couldn’t fix everything alone, who hides behind an identity, a name and pronouns that she doesn’t use anywhere else other than when she’d hiding behind that identity due to her fear and insecurities, being loved and accepted for who she is and what she’s done… it’s peak. It’s literally so transgender. Her ace is a Sylveon for Christ's sake. Her entire story is a metaphor for coming out I will not be taking arguments at this time talk to the wall.

And when you put them all together, you find three almost entirely different people, united by one theme- being loved for who you are. The real treasure was the friends we fucking made along the way. Ladies, gentlemen and non-applicables, you’ve been a wonderful audience this has been Last Week Tonight we’ll be back next week, thank you.

[mazzystar24]

Here's the thing and I'm not saying it's ok, it's obviously not in any way, shape or form, but since I'm assuming you have all the tags of bucktommy filtered perhaps you haven't seen it. Most of the bucktommy blogs (including ones that also ship buddie) have gotten many many hate asks, insulting them, accusing them of something, and just being incredibly disgusting. You literally can't go to the bucktommy tag without finding many posts of buddie fans who tag bucktommy saying shit about the ship, the actors, and the people who ship them. Saying that bucktommy shippers must feel threatened by buddie going canon and that's why they are rude is absolutely crazy (though there might be some that do, who knows?). Now, I'm sure that going to the buddie tag is also hard to do and there must be people who post shit about buddie and I know there are many blogs that are anti the extreme buddie fans. So, what I'm trying to say is that both ships have people that are purposely posting things to make the others mad, that are actively trying to continue this -frankly- stupid ship war. And they are being racist (on both sides, not just bucktommy shippers, I saw a bucktommy blog from a POC person get an ask calling them the n* word) and just plain awful. So, assuming that buddie blogs are better and do nothing wrong is incorrect, and it goes the other way as well. I really don't understand how people can be so mean, and so self-centered over two ships that who even knows what's going to happen? Everyone, absolutely everyone should do better. No one is better than the other one.

Hi anon!

Okay in case you don’t know my blog here is my usual warning that I will be bullet pointing but I promise I’m not trying to be curt/rude (cos you genuinely don’t seem to be on the attack or anything) I just can like explain my thought process better when I can like break it down into chunks 🫡

• I’m assuming you saw either this post which I do end with saying “Like we get it some buddie fans were dicks to you or you disagree or they did something or whatever the fuck but dont start being dicks to an entire fandom???” (Which I feel like it kinda gets the point across of like in general what people shouldn’t do but also it was in the context of me saying that that day there was a surge in the anti buddie fans in the tag, but I also do acknowledge that there will have been buddie fans who have been dicks to them, so I never “assumed that buddie fans are better and never did anything wrong”) Or this one which is just a whole post about why people shouldn’t be misusing tags rather than making people block them and obviously I’m talking in both posts about what I’ve personally seen which is the anti buddie accounts but the principle applies for both and I agree 100% and I did actually make a post earlier than that here where I do talk about both ends and misusing tags as well as not using discourse tags and I talk about both the anti bucktommy/ toxic buddie fans and anti buddie/toxic bucktommy fans so while I understand that you may not have seen that post and out of context it may seem like I only view one side as being better than the other I actually have pointed out before that it’s both and I urge both to just be respectful in fandom spaces, that’s why I even mentioned in the post where I’m complaining about people spamming the buddie tag that I always just politely ask whichever one I see (which again based off what I engage with happens to be the people spamming the buddie tag) but I did make a whole three parter post about how people can improve fandom spaces and how everyone should be doing better

• I actually don’t have the bucktommy tags filtered because as I’ve mentioned before I genuinely don’t dislike them and enjoy seeing their scenes and dynamic they’re just not endgame for me

• okay the racism is a more complicated topic so I do wanna preface this with saying I’m a poc before I have any toxic fans jumping into my inbox calling me a “dumb white bitch” again 😭😭- I don’t know how the racism toward the bucktommy fandom has been -not that any amount of racism is fine obviously like genuinely to those blogs that got shit said I genuinely hope you’re fine- but the toxic bucktommy fans have become a wholeass section of the fandom being racist, which is why I point it out because it’s not one or two incidences but rather an entire subset pushing racist narratives or just posting shit that’s racist u(and again my heart fully goes out to the bucktommy fans who had to deal with people being racist to them I am just personally going based off what I’ve seen and it’s the fact that there are SO MANY racist anti buddie accounts if that makes sense so it’s more widespread in that case)

• as for the comment about toxic bucktommy fans feeling threatened and that’s why there was a rise, i actually didn’t say that but it was pointed out to me by people in my comments and I was like that makes sense and honestly it does because it absolutely tracks that when one side of the fandom is feeling optimistic about something that hints at their ship the other side’s toxic fans will want to put a damper on that, just like I can probably guess that toxic buddie fans probably hounded the bucktommy tag around the time the hospital kiss happened, like it just makes sense

Thanks anon for the ask because I genuinely do agree with most of what you said, and you were respectful with it which I appreciate, but I genuinely urge you in the politest way I can to just check out people’s accounts before sending an ask like this because context is genuinely key and people aren’t gonna be reiterating that it happens on either end when talking about something in the context of one end if that makes sense? And I personally do try to acknowledge it as much as possible even in the posts that I assume you were referring to🫶🫶🫶

[puck-luck]

I’m not hating on YOU. Just on how slow and rude the characters are being made out to be. Honey should stop being so rude to Trevor, give him some credit for putting up with her attitude. Bea is genuinely for the streets. Again not hating on YOU because I like your writing style plus reading your other works i really like. I get I don’t have to read it if I don’t like it but I’ve waited and gave it time for stuff to start picking up.

I appreciate that you're not hating on me because you enjoy my writing style. That's always nice to hear. I'm glad you've read my stuff and even tried to stick it out for STG.

I want to reply to your concerns, so I typed up a couple of bullet points in my notes app. In a very in-character moment for me, it became lengthy. I'm hiding it under this Read More so that no one has to see it if they don't want to. Tbh, that includes you— and I don't mean that in a mean way, even if it might come off like that. It's hard to convey feeling through words on a page, which brings me to my first point:

1. A lot of Honey's attitude is written as means for banter, since Trevor knows that she doesn't mean it in such a negative way— he's aware that she's deflecting. Maybe I need to make that clearer and now I know, which means I can try and work on that! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

2. Honey has trauma, which I've started to explain in the story. It's going to be fleshed out more and she WILL work through it, but the girl has some pretty complex PTSD when it comes to relationships. That's the reason why she's so hot and cold with Trevor. She knows what she's feeling, but she's not ready to accept it yet.

3. In Chapter 5, the most recent chapter, Honey admits to Trevor that she's the difficult one. She's well aware that she's having trouble with this new relationship and that manifests in her attitude towards Trevor. He says he doesn't mind (basically) and she just hums BECAUSE it bothers her that she's being hard to deal with, and yet she can't stop herself. Again— it's her complex PTSD.

HERE is a screenshot of my Google doc so you can read the scene itself:

4. Fair. Bea is for the streets. Yet, at the same time, I don't see the real issue behind this: everyone involved is a consenting adult that is fully aware of the situation. Everyone knows that Bea is hooking up with the guys in the house. If the guys didn't want to hook up with her, they wouldn't— like how Luke turns her down in this most recent chapter. She's also a girl in her 20s... I know a lot of girls in college that made goals to sleep with entire exec boards of frats or collect each frat president or, in an extreme case, a girl that wanted to hook up with every brother in our pledge class, the pledge class above us, and the pledge class below us. If the girl wants to be a slut, then she can be a slut. & that's how I'm writing her. More power to her. Things might even change for Bea over time, like how real relationships go...

5. As for the slowness: I know that my chapters have gotten super long. I keep getting carried away and writing more than I mean to. It's because I like this project and the characters I've created. BUT, each section is a day. Each chapter is a week. Honey and Trevor have known each other for just over a month and I PERSONALLY am not the kind to hook up with a guy I've just met. Yes, at times it seems long and I know that it drags at times because I can feel it dragging while I write— but I am trying to make this as realistic and detailed as possible. Between the whipped cream scene and the blowjob scene, 10 days passed. That's SUCH a short amount of time, especially since the pair didn't see each other as much that week. Honey works, Trevor trains, and a lot of that is off screen because I think it's boring to write when this is a ROMANCE.

6. If I had an editor, they could probably help me cut this shit down and make it drag less. I DON'T have an editor though and this is a very detailed rough draft of a story that would probably change a LOT before publishing IF I WERE TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

7. I apologize that you have waited and hoped for quicker advancement in Honey and Trevor's story. To me, it's not a fast story. It's going to pick up... on my outline I have Trevor and Honey hooking up 3 times next week. You're welcome to hang in there for that if you want to. It's up to you.

And finally... I apologize that my explanation was so long. And probably slow. I just want to be thorough with your concerns. If you choose not to read anymore of STG, then good for you. I'll still be churning out oneshots when I can and I hope you like those more.

I really do appreciate the feedback. I hope this response didn't seem rude because I'm not trying to be. It's also 2:30am for me so I really should go to bed before I ACTUALLY get my feelings hurt or start lashing out... which I've been known to do when tired. So. Goodnight Anon. Thanks for not hating on ME and I hope my explanations were good enough for you.

[atopvisenyashill]

What do you think of the Sansa line where she says Arya had been unsatisfactory as a sister despite not knowing if Arya is even alive? Asking in truly good faith as a fan of both. I don’t think they hate each other at all and I’ve been accused of being too generous in my interpretations but this line in particular seems unusually callous for Sansa. My generous interpretation would be that it wasn’t meant to be part of Sansa’s thoughts but given the limited third person perspective the series is written in I don’t think that holds up. It’s the one sticking point for me in my understanding of their relationship. I can understand the way she lashed out in book 1 and said callous things given the context of the situation. It was unkind but this was a high stress time so a kid verbally lashing out at her younger sibling as a means to just have someone to be mad at is pretty realistic sibling conflict. But the unsatisfactory comment is hard for me to understand and empathize with

i've talked about this one before and i find the backlash to it perplexing. my allergies are kicking my ass right now so I'm just gonna paste my first paragraph from that here:

sansa isn’t thinking “i’d much rather have margaery as a sister” she’s thinking around how much she grieves for arya, and her own guilty feelings over not seeing through joffrey quick enough.

sansa does this thing, especially with arya but for everything that causes her pain really, where she thinks around a subject instead of facing it head on. that's very clearly what she's doing here:

Sister. Sansa had once dreamt of having a sister like Margaery; beautiful and gentle, with all the world's graces at her command. Arya had been entirely unsatisfactory as sisters went. How can I let my sister marry Joffrey? she thought, and suddenly her eyes were full of tears. "Margaery, please," she said, "you mustn't." It was hard to get the words out. "You mustn't marry him. He's not like he seems, he's not. He'll hurt you."

she's distancing herself from the memory of arya because she genuinely doesn't know if arya is alive or not and doesn't want to confront the idea that arya might be dead. but she can't truly distance herself from it because right after she thinks about arya she starts crying. it's not about joffrey potentially abusing margaery it's about how sansa feels like she failed arya by failing to see the type of person he really is before it was too late. she's thinking she should have done something more to help arya and now it's too late. again, please don't think i'm actually mad, but i do find it mind boggling how many people seem to miss this because it's an incredibly common take that sansa is being cruel here when she's just like...being a child in a bad situation.

i think if you (general you) had experienced death at a young age you would understand and i think that's part of why so many people don't. adults don't react rationally to grief, but sansa as a child is expected to do so. i think if you want to understand, really understand, why sansa can seem so callous, you should go watch the daniel sloss stand up, i believe it's his first one on netflix, dark. it's about his disabled sister, her death at a young age, and his reaction to it. he tells this story that i've always found hilarious and relatable and when i related it to my own sibling, they went "yep that's about right" - the day she died, daniel was supposed to go on a field trip. he was very excited. his sister had gotten a bit sicker the last few days but that was normal. she got sick, she went to the hospital, she hogged all the attention, she came home and got better. except when he comes downstairs...everyone is crying. they tell him that she's died. and daniel blacks out. he's told by his family later that he reacted by letting out a screaming wail of grief, then going to get his backpack and saying "okay time to go to the zoo now" while his parents were like "alright you little sociopath take the fucking backpack off you're not going to school." kids do not react kindly to grief. they don't understand it! it's too complex of a concept for them! sansa is a hostage. sansa thinks arya is dead. sansa thinks that arya was a shitty annoying sister and then promptly bursts into tears. those tears are about losing arya.

[charmwasjess]

Okay, I finally finished The Living Force, and as promised, I have thoughts. These are just my musings as a fan and a reader - if you enjoyed the book more than I did, I'm really glad! If you hated it, good for you too! Let people like things, let people not like things. <3 My feelings with this book were somewhat down the middle. I'm interested in reading it again in a couple months and seeing how I feel.

Overall: a fun, engaging read, genuinely hard to put down once the action starts going. The book isn’t afraid to be funny. SO MUCH GOOD JEDI CONTENT! Miller takes on a huge task trying to write perspectives for all twelve Council member characters and does a pretty good job bringing them to life. Mace and Depa steal the show. I had a hard time with some of the meta plot and overriding messages about the Jedi Order.

Andddddd the long version:

The entire conceit of the book comes about when Qui-Gon goes head to head with the Council, who are bogged down in committee red tape Senate paperwork disconnection, and challenges them to “help one person.” So inspired, the Jedi Council in its entirety goes to the planet Kwenn to help close down a hundreds-year-old Jedi Outpost. 

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan serve as the book’s inciting incident, our quest giver NPCs, who hang around close enough to the action to keep the readers who bought the book only for them engaged. It reminds me a little bit of a spin-off TV show where the fan favorite character from the original series shows up to boost ratings, saying their classic catch phrase while the live studio audience goes crazy. Look, Qui-Gon is Being Kind to Pathetic Lifeforms! Obi-Wan drops a “hello there” in the first scene! Oh, them!

Lest you think I’m being shitty, let me say that it was actually great to see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan on the eve of TPM working together well and having a blast. Both in Padawan and Master & Apprentice, they are still very much figuring out their relationship, and now it’s clearly evolved to its final magnificent form. They’re utterly corny together - I love that for them. This is the same pair that gave us “the negotiations were short” and the baffling “there’s always a bigger fish!”

I’ll talk a little bit about Sifo-Dyas because of course I will. He appears only in mentions, but so many of them, he's a huge part of the subtext of the book as he's recently left (been fired) from the Council and been killed - he's apparently on everyone's mind. I’ve posted about this before - I love the Seeker Sifo addition, and further, letting him be a rightful problem, a true pain in the Council’s ass and who ultimately got himself fired for not following the rules. Of course I have sympathy for him: this is a person who is beyond desperate to save his world and willing to try anything at this point in his life. And I think it’s worth mentioning that this is well within Cavan Scott’s characterization of him as a natural born troublemaker. I mean, he’s on screen for about two pages in Dooku: Jedi Lost before he just fucking literally steps on Yoda. Apparently, he never stopped. 

The book is oddly complimentary of him in weird places. Canon is inconsistent about Sifo-Dyas and how much his visions were impacting his judgment or even his simple ability to function. The last we heard of him in the Yoda comics, Sifo-Dyas was so routinely incapacitated by them that he was traveling with Lene full time. So it was cool to see that he had apparently gotten in control of them enough to be a super crucial member of the Council. Mace complains about Sifo’s absence and how that has directly impacted their entire ability to perceive the future, an acknowledged blind spot that comes up quite a lot in the prequel films and Clone Wars. Yoda goes on and on about how what a powerful Jedi he was.

...I don’t think the scene where the ENTIRE FUCKING Council round robin style takes potshots at Sifo-Dyas for *checks notes* rescuing some orphans was particularly successful. Of course, accuse me of bias, he’s a favorite character of mine, and it’s rough to see his colleagues - who are also his only friends and family - sitting around talking shit about him (to a bad guy no less!) for a page and a half, when he literally just got violently killed. (And they know he’s dead, at least, if not the circumstances. Killed on Felucia was the official story reported to the Council per wookiepedia.) Just tonally weird.

But really, I think what actually bothers me about that scene is the treatment of the baddie, Zalestra’s motivation as in any way legitimate, credible, or worth an apology by the narrative. Wow, the villain had a good point! To be clear, her issue with Sifo-Dyas taking her friends away to be Jedi is not that it changed her situation in any meaningful way in terms of care provided. It was a crime of omission. And these friends were so dear to her that she goes around indiscriminately killing Jedi of their exact generation? I suspect Miller liked his cool Nautolan Pirate Joker OC and wanted to give her a sympathetic excuse for why she was going around torturing and murdering Jedi (and just random people, including children) for fun, and “I got separated from my friends as a kid because of a Jedi” was the best he could do. Of course, it sets up Depa for a really beautiful line about not using other people as a canvas to paint grief on. 

The question of Attachment is a strong theme. Depa seems to be Going Through It - about attachment in particular, but also generally in the book. She’s shown relying a little too firmly on the no attachment cause in the wake of grief for a lost student. For example, she is quick to volunteer that Zalestra’s friends who were brought into the Temple together would be immediately separated so as to not form attachments - without pointing out the rest of that, that this separation would be specifically into Creche clans so they could bond with other Jedi kids and grow up in a community. Mace’s reaction to Depa’s attitudes make me suspect this is a Depa character growth thing, not something we’re supposed to take as a face value fact about the Jedi Order. Indeed, she ultimately overcomes her fears about this and decides to take a Padawan. And the final lines of the book include Qui-Gon defining for us that it isn’t attachment that’s a problem for Jedi – it’s indifference. 

Mace and Depa are the clear stars of the book. The Shatterpoint lineage vibes are immaculate. I’d read that the Living Force is supposed to set up an upcoming novel about Mace, and I am legitimately thrilled for it after reading this. Anyway, their dynamic is fantastic. Mace treats her 100% like a respected colleague, no cute Padawan infantilization tropes, even when he is put in situations like rescuing her after weeks of prolonged torture. Instead, he gives her his lightsaber to use, since hers has been taken. A really powerful and beautiful moment of support, while still recognizing her strength and agency. 

That said, if you’re looking for a deep dive into more obscure members of the Council or an EU/Legends junkie looking to see your favorite backstory pulled from the fire, this book might not be it.  With his five wives and seven daughters in old EU, Ki-Adi-Mundi might be the least likely Council Member to be the comedic butt of a bit revolving around awkwardness around women, but Miller goes for it, and there’s no mention of his family situation. 

Another odd reference, this time to current canon: the civilians the Council are working to help are mentioned as being the relocated survivors of the Protobranch disaster. It’s an ironic choice to frame the narrative of “the Jedi have been too focused on the big picture/the future at the expense of their duty to ordinary people” and then set the story in a community of people that the Jedi literally saved after getting a vision of the future disaster. The fact that it was our problem child Sifo-Dyas’s vision, and the rescue only happened after he and Lene outright defied the Council to get the gears moving is never mentioned or addressed, despite its seeming supreme relevance to the other themes in the story. 

For a time, I thought the narrative tension there between those two truths - that the Jedi should be concerned about ordinary people and living in the moment, but that this doom future is truly about to be a huge problem for the Jedi Order and the galaxy - was intentional. Having now finished the book, it doesn't seem to have actually been. Maybe someone else has a different perspective.

In truth, I didn’t understand what I kept reacting negatively to about with some of the meta themes of the book until the literal last page, John Jackson Miller’s author’s note where he says it outright. He talked about the other Star Wars books he has written over the last decade - how they all have depicted (Jedi) characters who are off on their own, away from the Order, “loners like Luke Skywalker,” and how his depiction of the Jedi Order from that perspective has been very critical. With this book, he decided that ALL Jedi couldn’t be bad, and that “Qui-Gon Jinn was the greatest symbol (of diversity of thought in the Order)” so he wanted to explore that. 

I closed the book and gently placed it in the trash can.

No, I’m kidding. Kind of. You know that I love Qui-Gon Jinn, he is my first favorite character, but this take exhausts me. That he is the magical exception to all of Jedi’s problems leading up to the prequels, and that if he were somehow not a direct product of that same Jedi Order, which encouraged him in his particular way of thinking almost to a fault, starting with Dooku.

In the final scene, with a magical twinkle in his eyes, Qui-Gon explains his own “defiance”of the Council: “I’m not insubordinate. I’m unorthodox. The insubordinate are ignored. The unorthodox are heard - grudgingly.” So the book finally resolves for us the narrative confusion in the difference between Sifo-Dyas’s bad future-fixated rulebreaking, which is shown to create villains and piss off his colleagues alike, and Qui-Gon’s good Living Force-serving unorthodoxy, which creates friends for the Order and moments of spiritual understanding for the Council. 

...Smashcut to six months later when Qui-Gon himself is outright defying the Council’s decision on Anakin and sidelining Obi-Wan because he’s convinced the Chosen One prophecy is just that important. 

Star Wars: The Living Force by John Jackson Miller, 6.5/10 stars, would have been 7 if I hadn’t read that asinine author’s note and gotten all mad again. 

[sphnyspinspin]

I hate my art process. But at the same time I love it. It’s been confusing time for me.

I love being detail oriented. Even if it does take me longer to finish a doodle that wasn’t supposed to take more than three days to finish.

I can bring up the fact that transformers and just robots in general are really complicated and detailed by default all I want — but the fact that short-hand art styles exist doesn’t really make that argument make any sense. Especially compared to people who have a short-hand art style and draw magnificent transformer art.

Hell. They’re supposed to be fun little drawings that you can do quickly while the idea that you thought up five seconds ago is still fresh. The doodling part of the art process is the foundation of which you’re supposed to build upon step by step so you can supposed for a final illustration.

“I just like to pace myself” I say.

“It’s always okay to take breaks” guh doy.

“Everyone’s art process is different” no shit.

I don’t have as many gripes about by art as I think I do. I just despise the fact that I know — I KNOW — I’m capable of doing the bare minimum.

But I have to do more than I have to for the sake of personal satisfaction. Let me say that again — PERSONAL satisfaction…

And that’s another thing. I am just so goddamn used to drawing for myself I can’t for the life of me imagine drawing just for the sake of an audience.

Except for that one guy. They’re chill. You know who you are.

But even I have trouble creating something for the chillest fellow artists that I genuinely want to show them what I’m capable of.

And I’ll admit… I’ve gotten a huge ego and an even more huge head about my art. Detailing, blueprints, colors, lineart, shape language, rendering, etc, etc — I’m proud of myself for understanding them to a point my art thrives from my ability to retain as such at my age. I really do dread the feeling I get thinking anything beyond “what if I make them insecure about their art because I’m s o m u c h b e t t e r t h a n t h e m” like wtf dude.

Oh my god I’m such a fucking people pleaser it’s seriously getting on my goddamn nerves. I don’t mind being polite from time to time, but I have no clue how to even label that kind of thinking. It reminds me so much of Galinda/Glinda from the Wicked movie and I don’t know how I feel about that.

Oh wait. Yes I do. It’s weird. It’s rude. To even acknowledge the fact that I myself have “better” quality art. And to subtly imply that their art is below mine is just sick. I understand intrusive thoughts exist, we call them intrusive for a reason.

I forgot what I was typing about.

I love my art.

I love my art process.

I hate… I don’t like that… I don’t like that I’m so nit picky about which ideas I choose to put on paper. Or screen in the context of being mainly a digital artist.

Even first drafts. Just simple little thumbnails. If I’m not all for an idea it’s just… going to stay in my brain until I die. Just for context I have a shit memory.

I want to fill a page with doodles. I want them to still be in my style with being too much.

I want to actually like them. Even if it’s “bad art”.

I want to simplify. But the idea of of underwhelming my artistic integrity makes me want to shut down entirely. It’s happened before that’s for fucking sure.

I think my brain makes my body do stuff without me knowing… wait, I think that’s autism.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuoooooooooooooooogggggggghhhhhhh……..

TLDR: I fucking suck at short-hand art. Not just artistic sense but in the sense of beginning the ACTION of drawing short-hand. But I feel like the second I get a good enough thumbnail down I’ll automatically focus too much on it to such a degree I’ll feel like an uncontrollably inconvenient narcissist.

Putting the over-exaggerated feelings of hormonal late-teen/early adult and posting it on social media is probably not the most convincing course of action when one wants to materialize automatic understanding and empathy. Yet here we are. I mean I probably don’t need automatic understanding but it’s a nice thought in my opinion.

You know what? I don’t fucking know anymore.

[latenightgasstationwalk]

I’m so Fucking proud of myself for getting to this point with guitar. It’s hard to explain but before I started pursuing music I had no creative hobbies what-so-ever and my father had no trouble reminding me of that every fucking day. Me and my dad pretty much hated each other my entire childhood. It was actually music that turned our relationship around. the second I took an interest in music his approach to me as a person completely changed. So that’s benefit to music #1 for me as it provided an olive branch to my father and made us mend some bridges that I genuinely thought would be charred for life. But lately I’ve been making a lot of strides that I think I’ve been waiting for since I started. I’ve pretty much stopped using tablature all together and started learning everything by ear, which I never thought I’d do, I hear music totally differently now. I hear a new song and if I like it I play it on repeat over and over again so I can preform this kind of mental autopsy of the song one instrument at a time and try to deduce who’s doing what and what chords and scales and progressions and time signatures are being used, paying attention to the “theory” aspect of every song that plays within earshot, which is something I never intended to learn or care about.

Like that Fucking lighthouse song I was talking about yesterday, I looked up some tabs and they were ass, watched a little YouTube tutorial and it sounded right but the guy was playing it in a weirdly complicated and annoying way (dudes in drop D to play a song in the key of E minor with a D Em G progression. Like why) so I said fuck it and played it on my phone and just picked out the chords how I thought they’d sound, I don’t wana brag or speak to soon, but Im very happy with how my versions coming along compared to the others I’ve seen floating around. Im excited to show y’all when it’s done >:)

Anyway. Just a self serving vanity post, glad I got into music, glad I worked hard at it for over a decade, proud of myself for not only sticking with it but trying as hard as I do every day to get better. I have no intention of ever “making music” in any capacity other than what I’m doing now. Just fun little videos that I can look back on years from now and say “damn I killed it, look at how young I was, I was handsome” it’s my version of a family photo album I guess. Looking forward to what comes next for me. I’m currently obsessed with blue grass music which is really Fucking weird considering my musical roots are comprised of bands like nirvana, rage against the machine, tool, queens of the Stone Age ect. Ect. But I’m excited to see where I’ll be in a couple years.

If you find yourself thinking that you have too much free time and want a hobby I seriously can’t recommend guitar enough. I feel like it’s an obvious hobby so most people don’t bother, or convince themselves that they “can’t do it”, but I assure you, you can. You don’t have to practice every day. You don’t even have to practice! I don’t think I’ve ever once in my life sat down with a guitar with the intent of practicing. I just pick it up when I want too and play whatever comes out. It’s never gotten old, it’s never steered me wrong, I come out of a one hour guitar session feeling like a brand new man. Like I got all the poison out. I genuinely feel it’s the thing I was born to do. But I have no intention of ever making a dollar from it, nor do I think I would if I tried, as one of my most influential guitarists once said: “when you expect anything from music, you expect too much, do it for you. Do it because you love it. If it’s meant to be the rest will come”

So that’s what I’m doing. Playing fun stuff every day, paying attention to my improvements, encouraging myself to do a little better every time I pick it up. And forever remaining hopelessly dependent on the 6 strings.

Thank you for reading♥️

[nuttyrabbit]

I genuinely liked all the obscure Sonic Facts that Greeny would post about! It sucks, but I found them really interesting!

However, the constant Ian Flynn bashing was really annoying. I understand not liking his writing style, it’s not perfect and can be criticized. But I swear to fuck, he would complain about the tiniest things!

Then he would talk about Flynn stans and how they sucked his dick constantly. I’m sorry to say this, but Greeny was hate-sucking Ian’s dick constantly!!!!

I don’t usually follow drama in the Sonic Fandom, since I’m too old to be getting angry over stupid things. I just stay in my lane, occasionally read fanfics for my ships, reblog theorizing/positive posts and cute fanart. Like, I think fandoms should be fun, so I try to have fun.

I followed Greeny since, as I said, I like the trivia they posted about and wanted to learn more.

At some point though, I think I became embarrassed to like IDW Sonic because of how much Greeny and their group would criticize Flynn and Evan. I took a break from the comics because the zombot arc had exhausted me, but I think reading the constant criticism made me not want to pick it back up. I still haven’t picked IDW Sonic back up.

I also feel like it’s gotten worse over the years. Like, I don’t remember seeing this type of stuff, or at least not as much complaining, back when I first started following Greeny.

Eventually, I stopped having fun and enjoy my time with Greeny’s posts. I felt like it made me more ashamed of what I enjoyed, and that’s not how I want to spend my time. It wasn’t even thoughtfully negative, it was just mean-spirited.

I recently stopped following Greeny, I think before Frontiers came out. He had made a post bashing the Flynn’s dialogue in one of the leaked cutscenes at the time (when Sonic first encounters the voice). Then he made another post translating the Japanese of that scene… and it was literally the exact same fucking sentence!!!!

I realized then that I was done with Greeny, that he was going to criticize the English dialogue for the entire fucking game. And I didn’t want to deal with it.

I wanted to try and enjoy Sonic Frontiers with being ashamed!

Sorry for the super long rant. Didn’t expect this ask to be a novel. I know you weren’t really talking about Greeny, but I’ve been holding this in and I just needed to air out my grievances.

You don’t have to answer or even post this ask, I just needed to get this off my chest. Again, sorry.

Honestly anon, I'm glad you posted this because my experience was very similar. For a long time I followed Greeny because they had good insights and made good posts, and even thought they acted cunty sometimes and had opinions that I thought were outright ignorant, I generally let it slide because things were relatively civil

But then yeah, the Zombot Arc brought out the worst in her and a lot of people, including me. God going back to my posts from that time is exhausting because I was furiously debating every one of these people and we were all being brick walls about it, and I could feel the discourse get naster and nastier.

It was around that time I remember her and the other people in her group just getting meaner in general and becoming very hateful towards Ian specifiaclly. Like they didn't like him a ton before but it became downright vitriolic and it felt like even discussing the guy in anything other than a negative light was a reason for them to jump down your throat

Even after the Zombot arc ended, shit remained so toxic that it was one of the reasons (well that and just my focus shifting from Tumblr in general) I just kinda left this site and didn't really look back, because it was getting to the point where I was dreading every issue coming out for the inevitable fucking discourse.

From the looks of it, it seemed like it only got worse with time, especially with the release of Frontiers.

Here's my ultimate fucking take. Greeny is entitled to her opinions, however crudely worded or wrong or bad faith they may be. But people are also entitled to call her out on her opinions and attitudes or just flat out ignore them, much as they are with anyone else's opinions, including mine.

The only reason I got involved in all of this shit was because I vented an opinion on Twitter and it got out of hand. Most of the time, I'm like you and just content to vibe in the fandom and talk about whatever, and I'd like to go back to that. I'd much rather be talking about my fucking OCs and my verse than dumb fandom drama bullshit

But like I said, I'm glad you sent this both to get it off your chest and to give me the chance to do the same. At this point I've just had so many bad experiences in this fandom (some of them of my own doing I will freely admit) that it's hard to care anymore. But I don't think anyone should be afriad to speak up about anyone in this fandom, even someone like Greeny or Crusher or a popular artist or whomstever the fuck

[winns-stuff]

LO CONFESSION:

I won’t lie, about the reveal of the fastpass with Hermes and Persephone with Apollo coming back I really had a hard time feeling anything about it. I hate to even admit this because I understand about why this should’ve been a bigger moment and why I should at least be excited that Apollo is finally being dealt with I find myself lacking in all emotion about it.

Now before I say anything I wanna clarify that in no way am I saying “I don’t care that Persephone is confronting her abuser”, that’s not what I’m trying to say at all. I am glad that he is being dealt with and hopefully this time it will be by Persephone’s hands and Persephone’s hands only because I feel like since her trauma is so overlooked by the comic this could really be her chance to literally take it back and be in full control of it. I’m happy that he’s finally being addressed and I hope that the comic actually punishes him and not just let him off so easy like they’ve genuinely been doing this entire time. And what I mean by that is that Apollo literally has no consequences for anything, every time we’ve seen Apollo he’s gotten away with things and I can understand if the narrative writes it like that on purpose so that it’ll be realistic but at the same time it doesn’t feel like the narrative itself even wants to deal with him. His character gets slaps on his wrists not because it’s intended to but because they want to move onto something else, for the trauma he’s caused to be this great it doesn’t actually feel like it’s important and I hate that.

But back to my main point about Persephone and the red eyes. First off I just want to say that they should’ve just kept the red eyes for wrath and anger, I really do think it would’ve been more impactful since we know that that’s the only emotion that comes with it and this would be an amazing time to be furious. Second, I wish Persephone would actually look pissed off when the red eyes come on I hate that she’s always smiling and in a way yeah it could be creepy and unsettling but I just wish to see more range with it but that’s just a personal nitpick. Third off is I have a hard time taking them serious now, the comic has used Persephone’s red eyes and her anger in general as a joke so many times it’s hard to convince myself that this is actually something that won’t be taken as a joke. As much as I have hope that there won’t be any jokes made or implied both during this confrontation and after it I already know that LO has a very hard time taking itself seriously so I wouldn’t be surprised if jokes would be made even when it’s nowhere near necessary. Fourth is I feel like there was little to no build up to this whole thing, I don’t feel like this is what I’ve been waiting for and I don’t believe that this is even a big moment. There’s nothing satisfying for me about this confrontation and it genuinely upsets and disappoints me entirely, I feel like they’ll be no resolve or the resolve will just be very rushed and underwhelming which is annoying to me because I would like to see this situation finally have importance and be acknowledged as important by this comic.

I know how serious this conversation is and everyone else in the fandom does as well but I hate that the comic acts as if they have no clue why this whole thing is important. I don’t want jokes being made, I don’t want light atmosphere, I don’t want “funny faces”, I don’t want anything that would take away from the scene. I want this scene to be powerful and I want them to deliver true justice to Persephone not half ass it like they always fucking do. Which is why I’m writing this confession, I want all of these things to happen but I know more than anyone that I’ll be disappointed yet again by this comic. I know that they won’t give this situation any integrity or respect at all and I know they’ll treat it like it’s one big fucked up joke because they always do, and I’ll be the one left angry and upset because once again LO has failed to deliver what it’s promised to fans for the 1000th time.

[terminallybisexual]

tw // suicide mention

i fucking hate the saying “happiness is a choice” especially when i heard it as a 12 year old struggling with depression for (what i believed to be) no reason

but now that i’m older i hate it for a completely different reason. i think i understand the message behind it now but it is so poorly worded and places so much blame on the person struggling with depression that when my 12 year old self heard it, it made me completely reject any ideas that emphasize how much your perspective and attitude affect your quality of life

like i would hear people talk about changing your attitude or whatever and be like “that’s fucking stupid. i have depression i can’t help the way i think.” but like. i could. but i didn’t understand that because the way it was always framed was “you are choosing to be depressed. just stop being depressed.”

every time i have a self deprecating thought now, i immediately counter it with the opposite even if i don’t believe it. (ex: “i hate myself. no, i love myself.”) and it can be incredibly exhausting to argue with yourself all the time, especially when these types of thoughts are so constant and persistent. it’s not easy. but this has improved my life so fucking much its not even funny. it’s gotten to the point where sometimes when i’m in situations that are embarrassing or otherwise would trigger self deprecating thoughts, my immediate reaction is self love.

i did not even understand the extent to which my self deprecating thoughts were diminishing my quality of life. i did not understand how much my own thoughts were negatively affecting my life because it was just so normal to me. i used to have suicidal thoughts more times than i could count on a daily basis and even though they weren’t “serious” (as in i was not going to immediately act on them like 99% of the time), countering these thoughts has brought me so much peace. i can go a full day without any suicidal thoughts now. hell, i’ve probably gone at least a few days in a row without suicidal thoughts. that idea was truly incomprehensible to me a year ago.

i genuinely did not believe it was possible for me to be this mentally healthy. like i still have a lot of fucking work to do but it’s insane how much my life has improved. i can’t even put it into fucking words and it might seem stupid to other people but i’ve had an extremely low self esteem for as long as i can remember. i didn’t even think it was possible for me to change my self deprecating thoughts because i just viewed them as objectively true.

like, throughout middle school and high school, i would have full blown mental breakdowns almost every single day. hysterically sobbing and telling myself that i can’t handle life and i should just die, just to take a deep breath 20 min to a few hours later and pull myself together again. recently i legitimately believed that i had a mood disorder because i had absolutely no emotional regulation skills and i was basically living with my worst bully 24/7.

and i mean it took me years to get to this point. i’ve been arguing with my negative thoughts for a long time now but i didn’t always do it in a healthy way (ex. telling myself that my feelings are irrational and invalid and that i’m crazy for having emotions bc thats what i was told my entire life, essentially gaslighting myself). but since i started therapy again i started countering my negative thoughts more consistently and in more productive/healthy ways. and there’s a lot of other things i did to improve my mental health too but i truly believe that changing my thought patterns is possibly the most important/impactful change ive made.

there’s a lot in my life to be stressed about at the moment and i truly believe that if i didn’t implement these tactics into my life i would legitimately be in an inpatient program right now because i just wouldn’t be able to handle everything going on. but now, at least for the majority of the time, i am at peace. i’m not necessarily happy, i am just okay. possibly for the first time ever. and i know sometimes i still have my moments where i talk about wanting to die but everything is just so much easier now. those moments are more fleeting and i’m more capable of reeling those thoughts in early and preventing myself from completely spiraling. it’s just so fucking insane to me how much better i’m doing and i don’t think anyone i know will understand the extent of it because i don’t think anyone truly understood how bad it was in the first place. but it’s okay, i don’t need anyone else to be proud of me. i am so fucking proud of myself.

[the-type-a]

Get to know me!

Thanks for the tag @catastrophicmind and @duncans-unibrow !! 💜

I wasn’t expecting to answer all of these but tbh this makes it more fun lol

🖌 - Do you have/want any tattoos?

I have one tattoo on the right side of my waist. It’s of my zodiac sign in cursive writing and the symbol above it. I do want more though!

💚 - What’s your favourite colour?

Purple! 💜

🍕 - What’s the last thing you ate?

Pancakes, bacon, and eggs. It was at like 1am but I was literally starving so Marcus cooked it all.

🕰 - What time is it where you are rn?

1:21pm (coming back to update that it’s 2:02pm now and idk why it took me so long to finish this 💀)

🌟 - What is your zodiac sign?

I could tell you my whole chart, but I’ll just stick to my big three. I’m a Pisces sun, Virgo moon, and Leo rising!

🌍 - What is your favourite accent?

Honestly have no idea. I could say English because of Harry, Liam, Louis, and Zayn. I could say Irish because of Niall. Or I could say country because of Marcus. 😂

⚡️ - Do you have any scars?

Nope!

🌺 - What’s your MBTI type?

ESTJ ✨

🥀 - Favourite animated movie?

The Little Mermaid 🧜🏽‍♀️

📺 - Favourite show?

I have more than one: total drama, grey’s anatomy, friends, game of thrones, the umbrella academy, euphoria, that 70s show. There’s probably more that I’m blanking on right now too.

😂 - Are you ticklish?

Yes, and I will physically hurt you if you try to tickle me.

💍 - Do you ever want to get married?

Of course! Fun fact: I was supposed to get married in November of 2020 but then covid happened. NOW we’re trying to save up on our own because our families keep trying to take over. Still want a Fall wedding though 🫶🏼

😳 - Do you like your name?

I love it! When I was younger I hated it, I have no idea why.

💙 - What colour is your bedroom?

Cream, kinda boring lmao

🤓 - How did you get your name?

My mom loves reading the Bible, Saint books, and Angel books. She told me she always loved the archangel Gabriel, so there you have it! She also said she liked the nickname Gaby.

🎓 - When did/do you graduate?

Graduated college in 2020. Never had a graduation ceremony or anything. Thanks COVID.

🍄 - Do you have/want any piercings?

I’m Latina so you already know my ears have been pierced since I was 4 months old. Then when I was 17 I got my bellybutton pierced. Idk why but I did want to get my nips pierced lmao but not anymore. Sorry that might have been tmi.

👀 - What colour are your eyes?

Dark brown. They almost look black but in the sunlight you can see the brown come out.

👱🏻‍♀️ - What is your go to hairstyle?

Just straight down. I never really do anything with my hair unless I’m going out to a special occasion. My hair is also naturally straight so I’ll just wash it, brush it, and go.

🥂 - Have you ever drank underage?

Unfortunately I did succumb to peer pressure with this one. Although I did try (and throw it up) beer in high school, my freaking DAD gave me beer in my purple and yellow SIPPY-CUP when I was like five. Then you know, drinking in college. It was a “dry campus” even if you were 21+ and everyone hated that.

🍾 - Have you ever gotten drunk?

Again, unfortunately. I’ve only blacked out twice though.

😱 - What’s your biggest fear?

Don’t come for me… but I genuinely don’t have one. There are things I don’t necessarily like, but not to the point that I’m genuinely afraid and can’t function around it.

🥵 - Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

Too cold. I absolutely HATE being hot. It’s easier to warm up if I’m cold too.

🌦 - What’s your favourite weather?

Sunny with a light breeze. Nothing too hot and not cold enough to need a jacket. (I freaking hate jackets btw)

🍂 - What’s your favourite season?

Autumn!!! 🥰

🐷 - What’s your favourite animal?

Polar bears 🐻‍❄️

🐶 - Do you have any pets?

A dog and a cat! Ranger and Nala! 🐾

😴 - What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Maybe like 2 days? Not entirely sure but it’s around that.

🎨 - Any hobbies?

The gym, reading, writing, music, art.

🛩 - If travelling was free, where’s the first place you’d go?

Bora Bora!

🎇 - What’s your most searched thing on Google?

I always delete my Google search because I hate how cluttered it looks, sooooo idk what to tell you lol

📱 - Favourite app on your phone?

Tumblr, my beloved 💜

🤠 - Are you more of a city person or a country person?

100% a city girl! Born and raised in it, and when I tried to give the country a try I got extremely depressed.

Tagging: @aprincessnotaqueen @art-by-mira @courtneyenthusiast @doitcody @elskamo @hollowboobtheory @marshunter06 @ragamuffin-bites @sentimentalslut @straighttxhell @sugarlesswriting @unawarer @withjust-a-bite @xwhatababex

[childeaether]

venus.

cw: 18+ only, xiao/f!reader, law school au, enemies to lovers, rough sex, dumbification, degradation

wc: 2.5k

it was getting late. well, it got late about two hours ago. now midnight was approaching at an annoyingly fast rate. you were exhausted, xiao was irritable, and the report was nowhere near done. it was a miracle that no one had come by to lock up the study room for the night.

“this case doesn’t make any sense,” you griped, typing aggressively on your laptop. xiao sighed.

“you’ve said that three times in the last thirty minutes. i get it,” he said flatly. you shot him a look. your professor had to be some kind of sadist. you and xiao had hated each other since the first day of class. rarely did a lecture go by without the two of you arguing- whether it was about law or the color of the sky.

“read this,” you said, turning your laptop towards him. his eyes narrowed as he read over the report, which you’d rewritten twice now. he shook his head as he approached the end.

“your reasoning doesn’t make any sense. you’re just mentioning another case to make the holes in your argument look smaller,” he said. “and the fuck does the implied powers have to do with anything?”

you snatched your laptop back. “at least i’m putting ideas out there. you’ve been rereading it for, like, forty five minutes.”

he rolled his eyes. “right. why analyze the case to further understand it when you could just spew bullshit and pray something is right?”

you groaned in frustration. “this case is at least a century old. you’re not supposed to ‘further understand it.’ the whole point of the assignment is torture us mentally.”

“the whole point of the assignment is to challenge us,” he shot back, “something you will have to get used to if you want a fucking law career.”

you slammed your laptop shut. “i get it, you think i’m stupid-”

“i don’t think you’re stupid, i think you’re fucking lazy.”

you snorted, but there was no humor in it. “i’m lazy, but you haven’t written shit. got it.”

he stood. “listen, i’m sorry that you weren’t paired with your little boyfriend, but-”

“my little boyfriend?” you said, incredulous. “what are you even talking about?” you got to your feet, too. the two of you were ticking time bombs, trapped in each other’s space. as always.

“that ginger you sit next to. don’t act like i’m wrong,” he snapped, “you two are so fucking obvious.”

you laughed in disbelief. “jesus christ, you are such an asshole. his name is childe. you’ve known him an entire semester-”

xiao cut you off, “you’re unbearable around him. that stupid high pitched giggle you do? it gives me a fucking headache-”

“laughing at his jokes means i’m fucking him?” you didn’t even realize that you’d raised your voice.

“you dumb yourself down for him,” xiao said. “it’s infuriating. you can have anyone you want, why do you settle for that moron?”

“i’m not settling for him,” you hissed, “i don’t even talk to him outside of class! and so what if i fucking was? god forbid someone likes me, right? just because you hate me doesn’t mean the rest of the world does.”

something in his eyes changed. you suddenly realized how close your faces were. you must’ve gotten closer as your tempers escalated.

“you are stupid,” he said, softly. before your rage took hold, he continued, “i.. don’t hate you.”

you scoffed. “yeah, right,” you said, starting to back away. his hand caught your shoulder, gentle but firm. the earth stopped turning. he’d never looked at you like this before. like you were more than a nuisance. much more.

it clicked. oh.

“what did you mean by.. what you said a second ago?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “that i.. can ‘have anyone i want?’” your heart was beating fast, and it wasn’t caused by rage, this time.

for a moment, xiao looked vulnerable. “we don’t have to talk about this,” he whispered. “i know that we argue a lot, and i know that i can be a dick, but- i don’t hate you. i don’t.”

your heart was caught in your throat. “how do you feel about me?” you breathed.

his cheeks reddened. he clearly wasn’t used to being emotionally vulnerable, especially in front of you. “it’s complicated,” he said. “it’s not necessarily how i feel about you, but how you make me feel.”

a small smile creeped onto your lips. “well.. what are you involuntarily feeling?”

your smile seemed to relax him, if only slightly. he sighed. “i’ve been asking myself the same question for months. i mean, you always annoyed me- especially in the beginning. but, as time went on, i don’t know.. i started noticing little things.

“like the look in your eye when you’re winning an argument. or the one when you’re losing. how you bite your lip when you’re focused on something..” he trailed off. he looked up, finally meeting your eyes.

“like i said, it’s complicated,” he murmured. “but whatever i was feeling was.. warm. pleasant, even if i didn’t want it to be. then, you started hanging out with that childe guy, and these feelings went from warm to… hot. like a, a burning sensation, in my chest.”

just thinking about it seemed to frustrate him. “he made you laugh. you didn’t look at him like you wanted to kill him. i mean, you liked him. and i couldn’t stand it, because-”

he cut himself off, trying to muster up the courage to say whatever was about to come next. “i couldn’t stand that you would never see me the way you saw him.” his breathing was shaky. it made your heart ache.

your faces were so close.

“it drives me insane,” he continued. “you drive me insane. and i just want to-”

you cut him off, capturing his lips in a desperate, long-awaited kiss. he jumped at first, shocked, but melted into it before too long. his hands found themselves on your hips, gripping them firmly. pulling you closer to him. you tangled your fingers in his hair, relishing in the deep groan that escapes him when you tug on the strands.

he bit your lip as he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. you whined and gasped for breath. you brought a hand to his cheek, brushing a piece of hair behind his ear. “you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that,” you whispered. his fingers dug into your waist.

“you’re not fucking childe?” he said. god, his eyes.

you shook your head.

“good.”

just like that, he was on you again. the kiss was rougher this time, hotter. teeth nipped at lips, tongues prodded at one another, hands made their way up your shirt. xiao pulled away briefly to remove it. he pushed you up against the desk as his lips chased yours once again. you had no objections, dizzy with lust.

he shoved a thigh between your legs and you moaned as he pressed it against you.

“god, look at you,” he whispered, his teeth against your neck. he moved his thigh, and you couldn’t stop your hips from grinding against it. there was an almost sinister look in his eye. it was sadistic, but adoring. your heart was fluttering in your chest.

“aw, baby,” he cooed, “i’ve hardly touched you. do you really need it that bad?” that condescending tone did something to you. a familiar fog was starting to form in your head. “i guess i should’ve seen this coming. smart girls like you love to be turned into dumb sluts in bed, right?”

a shiver ran down your spine. before you could respond, he moved his ground his thigh against you. an embarrassingly high pitched noise escaped your throat. “yeah, that’s what i thought,” xiao teased, sinking his teeth into your collarbone. your nails dug into his shoulder.

suddenly, he pulled away. you whined pitifully at the loss of contact, but the disappointment didn’t last long. your heart skipped a beat as you realized xiao had pulled away to take off his belt. that fog was getting hard to ignore.

he noticed you staring. “bend over the desk,” he commanded, “and hike up your skirt for me.”

as if your panties weren’t soaked enough before.

nervously, you bent yourself over the desk and pulled your skirt up, exposing the silk panties you had on underneath. they were genuinely comfortable. xiao picked a good day to confess.

you heard him inhale sharply behind you, taking you in. “fuck,” he whispered, running a hand up your thigh. you couldn’t help but squirm. “you’re already so wet i can see it through your panties. does it turn you on when i tell you what to do?”

two fingers traced the outline of your pussy over your panties. “or maybe it was the ‘dumb slut’ part, hmm?”

you moaned helplessly, wriggling your hips. “xiao, please,” you begged, “hurry up, i- i want it.”

“be patient,” he replied. you felt lips press against your inner thigh. your skin felt like it was on fire, his lips burning a trail everywhere they touched. you whimpered and squirmed, desperate.

“please, just- fucking get on with it,” you cried. your cunt was aching. you’d imagined xiao fucking you on shameful, lonely nights. especially on days like this, when the two of you had been at each other’s throats. and now it was here. real.

“god, please-”

“shut the fuck up, slut, or i’ll rip these panties off and gag you with them,” he growled. the fog won. you felt yourself melt into the desk, into submission. your hips stilled, and you bit your lip to keep from whining. every second that passed felt like a lifetime.

finally, he pulled your panties down, exposing your dripping sex. you gasped at the sensation of cold air against you. it only made you feel hotter.

he ran his middle and index finger up and down your folds, maddeningly slow. god, it was hard to keep quiet. you could hardly think about anything but xiao, xiao’s fingers, xiao’s dick.

you couldn’t stop yourself from moaning out loud when his fingers began to circle your clit. they were slow and gentle; you needed them to be more.

“you’re so beautiful,” xiao whispered. you hung on to his every word. “i want to take my time with you, and i promise i will, later.. but right now, i can’t help myself.” he took your wrists into one hand, holding them behind your back. he leaned forward, his lips brushing against your ear as he continued, “i’m going to fuck you senseless.”

you cried out as he plunged two fingers inside you, thrusting in and out roughly. it was a relief, but it wasn’t enough. you tried to grind your hips onto his fingers to no avail. “and you’re going to take what i give you, aren’t you, baby?” he said, kissing a particularly sensitive spot behind your ear.

“because you’re my good, stupid slut.” he added a third finger and curled them inside you, finally hitting the sweet spot he’d been searching for. you let out a low moan at the sensation. “you think you’re so smart, but look at you. trying to fuck yourself on my fingers. if i’d known this is all it takes to shut you up, i would’ve done this a long time ago.”

you mumbled out a pathetic, incoherent moan. you couldn’t even argue with him, you were so desperate.

“it’s okay, pretty girl,” he whispered. “i’ve got you. i’ll give you what you want. you just have to ask.”

you knew what that meant. “please,” you begged, “please- fuck me, xiao! i want it so bad, i’m so..” you trailed off, trying to hang on to your train of thought as he twisted his fingers inside you. your sentence became a string of incoherent please’s.

luckily for you, xiao was nearing the limit of his control. “good girl,” he said. you heard shuffling behind you as he positioned himself, the tip of his cock pressing against the entrance to your cunt. his grip on your wrists tightened. “take a deep breath, baby.”

he thrust his hips forward and finally, he was inside you. it stung at first, but you adjusted quickly. when he felt you relax, he pulled your wrists toward him, using them as leverage to better fuck into you.

“oh, thank you, thankyouthankyouthankyou,” you moaned, relishing in the feeling of him brushing against your g-spot. every thrust had you seeing stars.

“fuck, you feel so good,” xiao hissed, picking up the pace. he pressed kisses down your spine. “so pretty, such a good girl. you like being fucked rough like this, baby? is this what you needed?”

you let out another string of whimpers, nodding desperately. “it’s so good,” you slurred, “i’m close.”

he released your wrists to grab your forearm, pulling you up, against his chest. this angle was somehow better than the last, directly targeting that sweet spot he’d only been brushing before. “oh, yes! right there!” you cried.

xiao let out a growl, fucking you harder than before. “that’s right, you stupid slut. fucking take it,” he snarled, biting into your neck. “you wanna cum?”

you nodded feverishly, no longer bothering to quiet the little noises he forced out of you with each thrust. “yes, god, please,” you begged, tears beginning to form in your eyes.

he suddenly pulled out and flipped you onto your back, thrusting inside you again without missing a beat. you grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to stay grounded. “tell me what you are,” he said, hardly louder than a whisper.

your cheeks were burning. you knew what he meant. in any other circumstance, you would’ve fought him on it, or at least tried to. but you’d never had dick this good in your life. you weren’t about to disobey him.

a thumb hovered above your clit. “tell me what you are,” he repeated, his gaze unwavering. you couldn’t resist him if you tried.

“i’m a dumb slut!” you cried, tears running freely now. he brought his thumb down, rubbing in time with his quick, rough thrusts. your eyes rolled back as you came, cunt clenching down desperately, legs shaking around his waist.

xiao was quick to follow, cumming inside you with a low, gravelly groan as he pulled your hips against him. you whined at the feeling.

as he came down, he pressed his lips to yours again, much gentler than he had earlier. you kissed him back, slowly gathering your bearings.

when you pull away, he peppers your cheeks with light kisses. “you were so good,” he whispered, “so good for me.” you hummed happily, capturing his lips once more.

he pulled out of you, much to your dismay. before you could demand another round, you were hit with a sudden realization. “oh, fuck,” you said, frantically pulling your shirt over your head.

his eyes widened and he put a hand on your arm. “what is it? what’s wrong?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned. it was a cute look on him.

“the fucking case report,” you grumbled.

he grinned and gently tugged you back to his chest. “don’t worry. i can fix your half in, like, thirty minutes.”

you shot him an annoyed but amused look. “you’re an asshole,” you said. he pressed a kiss to your nose.

“you love it,” he replied.

and you did.

[persephones-wren]

hii love, love your fics so I just had to request again! Could request a Kaz andd reader where he says something mean to her without meaning it but shes really sad an stattes crying to jesper and he gets angry and tells Kaz to apologise? Angst with a happy ending,please!! Thanks a ton darling💗💗

Forgiveness (Kaz Brekker x Reader)

thank you for requesting again! school has been kicking my ass, so sorry for how long writing this took, but I hope you like it! :)

Warnings: mentions of catcalling, (small) injury, idk?

Genre: angst to fluff

Word Count: 1910

To say you’ve had a shitty day would’ve been an understatement.

Heading to the White Rose to see Nina, you’d been catcalled multiple times. Maybe you were being dramatic, but the comments felt more scathing than usual, and it had gotten under your skin quicker than you thought it would. You didn’t want to use Kaz’s reputation to scare them off, but it wouldn’t have mattered. You’d still be viewed as a possession, just one that didn’t belong to them.

You had snapped at the last stranger who’d given their perverse ideals of you, and that altercation had left you a lovely slash on your arm from defending yourself. You had temporarily wrapped it up on a scarf, but you knew you would probably have to wrap it with gauze on it when you returned.

When you had asked the clerk where Nina was, he said that he’d seen her leave, but she said nothing to him. Which meant the entire journey here was a waste, and that you’d have to head home without her guaranteed cooperation with the plan your boyfriend was creating.

“Kaz, she’s not there. Clerk said she went out, but he didn’t get where. It was a waste of a trip,” you sigh, throwing down your cloak on a random chair.

Kaz sighs, lowering his head as he writes out another part of the plan. “Really, Y/N? You couldn’t go out and look for her? She told us a couple days ago that she was going to start taking trips to the market at this time. You could’ve found her there.”

“I’m sorry?” you scoff quietly, but try to adjust your tone at the icy stare he gives you. You could’ve said that nicer, sure. “I didn’t think to look for her there because I didn’t know that, Kaz. Are you sure she told us that?”

“Yes, she did. Were you not paying attention?”

“I don’t think I was there,” you refute. “I would’ve remembered if she told me.”

“I don’t have time to talk to people who can’t do their jobs,” he mutters. “Just get out and waste time for now. Let me finish what I’m working on and we’ll find her together later.”

“The hell you mean I can’t do my job?” you protest. “I did what you asked. I went to go look for her, and she wasn’t there. I thought your instructions were not to stray from my path, because you wanted me home quickly and safely.”

“If you had any shred of common sense, then you’d know that I’d only say that because I’m supposed to care about you. I’d take information over your safety.”

You still. What?

He’s supposed to care about you? Does that imply he doesn’t? He would take information over your safety.

Does he want to break up?

Stop being dramatic. Kaz doesn’t play implication games with something like that. He’d tell you outright.

But he wouldn’t care for you if he got what he wanted.

“I-um, oh,” you take a shuddery breath. Your chest feels tight and your eyes are going to water. Kaz hates dealing with over-emotional people. He needs people who can keep their cool, people who can think their way out of things. You need to get out of here before he looks up at you. You’re useless, you’re an idiot, no wonder he said you couldn’t do your job properly.

Too late. He looks up at you, frowning at your silence, but you quickly turn away, still trying to hide your face.

You laugh, and even you can tell that it’s not genuine, just an attempt at trying to hide your wavering voice. “I’m fine, Kaz. Uh- yeah, yeah! We’ll go out later and-” your throat catches as you swallow harshly. “We’ll go out and look for Nina later. See you then.” You quickly brush your tears out of the way, opening the door and stepping out.

Your steps echo down the hall, and you try and find your way to your room through the tears that now stream down your face.

I’d take information over your safety.

You still don’t know if he means it. He’s angry, but- Kaz was usually extremely candid when he was upset.

He might’ve meant every word.

You don’t notice Jes in front of you, and as you pass him, he catches your arm.

You wince, his fingers land right on the slash, and he hastily lets go, looking at you with concern. Everyone was usually about as emotional as a rock in the Barrel. What made you cry like that?

“Y/N, you okay? What happened? Why did you flinch from me? Did I do something wrong?”

His face resembles a kicked puppy, and your heart constricts with slight guilt.

“No, no- it’s not your fault, Jes- your fingers landed right on a slash I got, that’s all.”

He looks at his hands, covered in slight blood. You tug at your soaked-through scarf and look at it, and it looks even worse than when you first got it. Your grimace. So much for getting him to worry less about you. “It looks a lot worse than it actually is.” Your words are frantic and stuttered, but you hope he gets the point.

“How did that happen? I thought with Kaz’s reputation, you would be untouchable. Why isn’t he taking care of you?”

You smile sadly. The mention of Kaz tightens your chest again.  “Guy scrapped with me for a little while after catcalling me. I didn’t want to use Kaz to defend myself- me, with him? He’d be even more of a target. And Kaz is a bit upset with me right now. He doesn’t know what happened.”

“Why the hell would he be upset?”

“I didn’t get the information he wanted,” your voice is small and weak. “And he said he’d rather have the information more than my safety.”

“Which is why you’re crying.” Jes’s face has a look of understanding.

“Yes,” you affirm quietly. “Today’s just been a bad day. I’ll be alright, though, really. I know Kaz doesn’t like dealing with weak people, so I thought I wouldn’t bother-”

“You’re not weak.” His voice gains a complete new edge, and his face is determined. You suddenly get a bad feeling. What’s Jes going to suggest you do? “We’re going to go confront him. Right now.”

“Jes, I look like I’ve been crying. I’d at least like to compose myself a bit.”

“No.” He makes sure he’s grabbing your other arm, before leading you back to Kaz’s office. “He needs to know how much he’s fucked up. He’s smart, but really,” Jesper sighs, “He’s an idiot. And you deserve better than that.”

Your heart warms at his words, but you’re still nervous as he leads you down the hall, and you’re definitely panicking when he opens the door without knocking.

Kaz looks up, and a brief look of surprise is in his eyes as he looks at Jesper. Why didn’t Jesper knock? And why would Jes need him, especially at midday? Wouldn’t he be out gambling?

Kaz prepares himself to hear something stupid. He doesn’t notice you standing behind him, and his attention drifts back down to his plan.

“What do you need?”

“Apologize.”

“For?”

“For being a bloody idiot and hurting your girlfriend.”

Hurting you? He looks back up to him, and this time, you’re standing next to Jesper.

“I didn’t-” Kaz starts, but your appearance makes him go silent.

Your expression is blank, but tear streaks clearly stain your face, and you clearly look like you don’t want to be confronting him. Jesper had put you up to this.

Were you too afraid of him to do it yourself?

What did he do for you to look like that?

“You didn’t do anything?” Jesper’s voice is incredulous. “She went to the White Rose to try and find Nina, and then you come home and treat her like she’s useless because she doesn’t get what you want. She’s your girlfriend, not a goon. Have some respect for her, yeah? She followed exactly what you said, to try and get home quickly and safely, and even then, she still gets hurt. Did you even notice the bleeding gash?”

“Jes,” you whisper, “it’s fine, really-”

He doesn’t listen, and grabs at your wrist to lift your arm, pulling down the scarf and revealing the bloody cut. Kaz blinks, concern and guilt briefly flashing on his face before he smooths back his expression.

How didn’t he notice? How did that happen?

“Y’know how she got that? Men were harassing her, and she fought one of them because she didn’t want to use your name as her shield. She was trying to prevent painting an even bigger target on your back. And then you go as far,” Jes laughs angrily, “as to say that she’s not worth more than information for your fucking plan? And through all of that, she leaves you alone because she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience to you. Your girlfriend thinks her emotions are burdening you. Get your fucking head out of your ass. Either you apologize to her, or she’s breaking up with you.”

You and Kaz are both left standing still, both watching as Jesper stalks back toward the door, opening it and slamming it shut.

The sound echoes through the silent room.

You don’t know what to say. Part of you feels vindicated, Jesper did the hard part for you, but part of you feels guilty- Jesper also made it a lot bigger than it could’ve been.

You let the guilt win out.

“I’m sorry, Jes’s wording was a bit harsh, I’ll take my leave, it’s really not that big-”

“Stay,” Kaz interrupts. “Please.”

You sit down on the chair next to his, and he turns to you, pulling out gauze and alcohol wipes.

“I can do it myself,” you say hurriedly. “I know-”

“You’re not a burden to me.” He avoids your gaze, he doesn’t want to see your reaction, in case he really would lose you after this. “Let me help you.”

“Okay.”

You hiss through your teeth as he cleans the gash, a small “sorry” escaping him as he continues. There’s still a silence hanging between both of you. He wraps it carefully, looking up at you when he’s done.

“Not too tight?”

“No,” you answer quietly. “Thank you, Kaz.”

There’s another silence between you.

“I care about you,” he says suddenly. “I wouldn’t trade your safety for anything.”

You know it’s his way of saying sorry.

“It’s okay,” you give a reassuring smile. “I know. I’ve just had a bad day, that’s all.”

“It’s not,” he argues. “If you ever need to defend yourself, use my name if it’ll get them to stop. I don’t care if it paints whatever sized target on my back.” You open your mouth to interject, but he continues. “I’m already a wanted criminal in Ketterdam. However much you increase the target by doesn’t matter, so long as you come home alright.”

“Okay,” you nod. “I will.”

“I love you, darling.”

Your eyes widen at his words. He doesn’t say it often, he knows that you already know that.

Jesper must’ve really shaken him.

“I love you too,” you reply softly. “Thank you.”

It’s his turn to look surprised. “For?”

“For caring,” you respond. “For being you. For loving me.”

A faint smile etches on his lips. “I always will.”

[harryspet]

cement walls | bucky barnes

[Warnings] dark!bucky barnes x reader, non/dubcon sex, fingering, kidnapping, forced pregnancy, confined spaces, Stockholm syndrome(?), post-blip bucky, bucky needs some therapy, forced gender roles

[A/N] uhm so this is what i’ve been working on and like usual i have no idea where i wanna take it :):) i haven’t posted in a long while so i figured i would put this out there for some feedback! this is pretty much inspired by Room if you’ve seen that movie. [gif credit to https://jamesbrnes.tumblr.com/]

In which the outside world is too dangerous for you and Bucky is the only one who can protect you. 

taglist: @cherienymphe @lovelynerdytraveler @buckysbunny @hollandsdream @micki-smiles @buckybarnesplumwhore @arts-ismything @saharzek @what-is-your-wish @brattypeony @hermayone @buckysugar @mischiefmanaged011 @visintaes  @watercoolerpaint @disaster-rose @slutforsebstan​ @doozywoozy​

main masterlist

word count: 3.3k

Within the cement walls that surrounded your home, you imagined that you had your own little planet. You spent hours of your days thinking about what surrounded you, if there were floating rings like Saturn had, the constellations you could make out only if you could only see the entire sky, and how the sun would really feel on your bare skin. You were beginning to forget what that felt like and you sat below the skylight trying to reach into your mind and remember.

Maybe you should be grateful that there was even a skylight at all and that there was enough room for a small kitchen and bathroom. You imagined that's what he thought. You could move around freely with no chains so you should be grateful. Almost three-hundred square feet of your new planet that you should be glad to have. Except you didn’t even own the ground you stood on, this planet wasn’t really yours, you were just an astronaut trapped in space. 

That morning, you scrubbed the floors, not only because the military man preferred organization but also because the small space got dirty quickly. After taking your vitamins, extra Vitamin D of course, and munching on a stale granola bar, you got to work. You made the twin bed up, making sure the sheets were tucked in tightly before organizing the small amount of clothes in the wardrobe. 

When you heard the beeping of the keypad outside the door, you stood up, shutting the wardrobe. You weren’t expecting him, not having gotten to the kitchen yet, but alas your moon man appeared. You couldn’t help it, you always looked past him to see what you could have of the outside world. You saw nothing, his figure was only surrounded in darkness as he shut it quickly, and it beeped as the metal door locked again. 

It was like he liked the idea of you not knowing where you were. He’d brought you into this room unconscious so you had no idea whether you were still in Louisiana or not. For all you knew, you could be floating in space and it wouldn’t matter. 

The tall man’s hair was cut short, like he’d just gotten a haircut, and you hated that the room was already beginning to smell like his cologne. He held a brown bag of what you assumed were groceries, “You haven’t been here in more than two weeks. I’ve been cleaning my clothes in the sink. I started rationing food t-thinking you weren’t going to come back.”

He set the bag down on the small kitchen table and you watched his eyes roam over the dirty dishes, “I wouldn’t leave you here, doll face,” Bucky assured you, “C’mere.” He waved you over and you stepped forward cautiously. 

“W-Where did you go?”

He reached up to hold your face, the leather brushing against your cheeks as he looked you over. You wore a green smock dress with a cardigan tightly over you, the box having been cold the past few days, “I had business. Far away business.”

“You’ve never been gone this long.”

“Did you miss me that much?” You wanted to roll your eyes. If Bucky didn’t come back, you’d die in probably the worst way possible and no one would know what happened to you, “I brought you back plenty of groceries, I even got you some oreos and that fancy bread you like.”

“Bucky …. I-I was so so scared. You don’t understand-” He leaned down to kiss you and when your lips didn’t move against his, he grabbed you roughly by your hair. You held in your yelp as you forced your lips to move against his. He held your hips, deepening the kiss and when he pulled away, his hands were still in your hair. 

“I’m here now, “ He looked at you sharply, tugging your hair a bit, “But it seems you can’t keep the kitchen clean, no matter how much time I give you.”

“I’m sorry,” You apologized, the words slipping out before you could even register them. 

He gestured his head over to the sink, “Get to it. And the groceries as well.” 

You moved past him, turning on the warm water before grabbing a sponge. You felt his eyes on your back as you began to clean all the pots and pans you’d been using. You heard the rattling of his belt, his jeans being pulled down, the sound of his boots being stacked to the side, and the grunt he let out when he tossed his jacket over the kitchen chair. 

When you placed everything in the drying rack, you moved onto the bag of groceries. He had gotten the bread you liked so you had something to look forward to that week, “I had to see that lady again.”

“You mean your therapist?”

“It’s court mandated bullshit,” You looked over and he was examining your desk and bookshelf. All the books you had were given to you by him and all the decorations were paper origami that you’d gotten good at making. 

“What did you guys talk about?” You asked hesitantly, putting things away in the cabinet. 

“She thinks I need more friends, more social interactions I suppose but that’s what she says every week,” You heard your bed creak as he sat down, “Hey, make me a cup of coffee, doll.”

“Oh,” It was clear that whatever that therapist was doing, wasn’t work, the biggest piece of evidence being the girl he was holding captive right now. You moved over to the coffee pot, pouring what was left into his favorite mug, “Do you … ever talk about me?”

You could feel his body stiffen even from across the room. 

“Why would I?” When you turned around, his eyebrows were furrowed, his hands on his knees. 

You crossed the small room with the cup in hand, “Well, you interact with me. I’m like your friend, right?” You handed him the drink, standing back as you watched him take a sip, hoping he’d be satisfied with it. 

“You know why I can’t tell her about you, Y/N.”

You shook your head, “Yeah, I was just thinking … “ You sat down a few feet away from him, “Does anyone else know about me?”

“You’re curious today.”

“It’s not like I have much entertainment in here,” You said a little more snarky than you intended. You felt his mechanical arm push into the mattress beside you as he turned his head, “Sorry … when do you think I’ll get to leave the room? Not outside, just out of the room. Maybe to where you sleep at night.”

“If you’re going to be like this today-”

“Forget I said anything,” You smiled weakly, “Please.”

Bucky set down his cup on the small nightstand before he urged you closer. You scooted closer and he gently pushed your head down until it was resting in his lap. You felt his cold hand through your sweater and the other through your hair, “I know what it’s like … feeling trapped,” You pulled your feet onto the bed and he continued to stroke your hair and you welcomed the comforting touch. 

“Then why …”

He shushed you, “Mind over matter, Y/N. It’s all about training your mind to adjust. You’re safer here, you’re taken care of here, and your mind is still trying to convince you that you don’t belong here.”

“I wouldn’t try to escape if I could just stay with you…”

He shushed you again, “I spent decades frozen and then, after that, I was trapped in my own mind. Now everyone’s trying to convince me that I have this new chance to survive in the world. They genuinely think of this new century as being so amazing, so much technology, and opportunities but it’s a lie, Y/N. This world is nothing but danger and death. You’re much better without it.”

You felt a tear roll down your cheeks. You felt like the chains around you were only getting heavier. He was so delusional that you thought it would be easier to start believing him, “Please don’t leave for that long again.”

Bucky sighed, “I’ll stay here for the night. How does that sound?”

You hiccuped, “T-Thank you.”

Later that night, you were lying beside bucky in the small bed. He was fast asleep but you were wide awake, looking up at the skylight. The full moon was lighting up the room. Carefully, you tossed your feet over the bed, doing your best not to disturb the soldier. You got onto the floor, crawling towards the carpet in the middle of the room. Oftentimes, when you couldn’t sleep, you’d lay down and stare up at the moon. 

You stayed like that for lord knows how long, drifting into a place where all your thoughts were silent. 

“What are you doing?” You sat up quickly, your heart racing as his gruff voice snapped you from your trance. 

He was shirtless, standing above you, and rubbing his tired eyes. You simply pointed up, “The moon.”

“Get back in bed,” He commanded groggily. 

You scooted over slightly, “I can’t sleep ... just come look with me. It’s beautiful.”

“You act like you’ve never seen the fucking moon before, Y/N,” His frustration caught you off guard as he reached down to grab you by your arm. You didn’t mean to but, on instinct, you flinched away. That only led him to grabbing your harder, and you stumbled as he pulled you up, “Get in the bed. You scare me to death when I wake up and can’t feel you.”

“If you care so much then why do you leave me in here for weeks on end.”

His eyes flickered with hurt for a moment, “I won’t … ever again. You need far too much discipline for me to let you be on your own for so long.” You rolled your eyes as you turned away, walking towards the bed. 

He grabbed you roughly by your waist, pushing you onto the bed. He pushed you further into the mattress, his hand on the back on your neck, and you were reminded just how cruel he could be. There was a point months ago when you stopped fighting it, knowing in the end he would overpower you, but sometimes your spark appeared. 

He lifted your nightgown easily, knowing he wouldn’t find any underwear to tear off, and his hand cupped between your legs. As you struggled beneath him, he felt you, rubbing and running his fingers over your lips, “Me being deep inside you seems to correct your mood. Is that what you need from me, doll face?”

Your spark appeared and went quickly, knowing he could feel your wetness, giving him the permission to sink two of fingers inside you. He moved slow, his knees pressed deep into the bed, as he watched your lips part with a gasp. 

“That’s it …”

This was his favorite, knowing he could get you off with just his fingers, his fingers curling against your most sensitive areas. He fastened his pace, pushing in and out of you as you lay there bent over. Knowing you were nearing an orgasm you were sure not to run away from, he moved his vibranium arm from your neck and underneath you where he stimulated your sensitive bud. 

“That’s my girl,” He coaxed you as he sent you into a shaking fit, “You finish so well on my fingers, so beautifully.” You came hard, Bucky enjoying the vulnerable view of your face. As he let you go, you pushed down your gown and laid down on your side. The bed dipped as he took a seat, rubbing your thighs as the post-orgasm regret filled you. 

“You ever think you have some control over me, I want you to remember this.”

8 months later … 

You flipped through the channels six channels that the old television would provide. The soldier thought buying you one would decrease your book intake which he was struggling to keep up with as you read several per week. He wasn’t a fan of technology but the two of you had a long argument about it and he eventually caved. 

You weren’t sure if he knew but the TV picked up a local news channel and you got a glimpse into what the world had been like over the past year. Every now and then, there’d be a mention of Sam Wilson and you figured that’s who he was disappearing with when he was gone for weeks at a time. 

As you neared closer and closer to your due date, he’d grown nicer than usual, though the way he’d gotten you pregnant wasn’t pleasant at all. “You complain so much about being lonely.” He had said when you’d missed your period, “This is what you wanted, right?” 

You weren’t sure if you were just nauseous from the pregnancy or if the idea of raising a baby in that room was making you sick to your stomach. Sometimes you caught yourself being selfish, thinking about having someone to take care of and take up your time. Having someone who could love you properly, in a way that Bucky didn’t quite understand. 

“How’s my girl? And how’s my mini me?” Bucky was an abnormally good move when he came down to visit you that night. He was carrying magazines in his hand and you crossed the room, curious to see the details, “I thought you might want to look at nursery stuff.”

“There’s gonna be a nursery,” Your lips pulled into a smile, “Where?”

“Here,” He gestured around and your smile fell, “You can’t be too far from the little tike. I was thinking we could put the crib where your desk is.”

You took the magazines from him, resting them on your protruding stomach, “Oh …” You tried not to sound sad, “You don’t think that maybe the space is too small? I mean, a mom and baby and sometimes you, that’s a lot of people for one room. And when they get older ….” You imagined having a happy little baby but you tried not to think about your child growing up in a box. 

“When he gets older, we’ll think about it then,” He stated, already gendering the baby without any actual knowledge. He refused to let you see a doctor, only brought you prenatal vitamins, expecting that you’d have a smooth delivery right here in the room, “For now, it’s plenty of room.”

You nodded, “When he gets older, will you take him outside the room? Kids need space to play and get fresh air.”

“I’ll think about it, Y/N,” Bucky’s lips pressed into a thin line. 

You didn’t want to push the issue further, not wanting to spoil his mood, “I think a light green will be a good, neutral color for everything. Maybe we can decorate his side of the room.”

He smiled, “Whatever you’d like, doll face.”

You crossed the room, setting the magazines down on your desk, and a scary idea crossed your mind. A scary idea and chance you might just have to take if it meant you could get help. You were getting nowhere screaming at the top of your lungs, hoping for someone to hear you, and asking Bucky over and over again just to let you have fresh air. He was suffocatingly protective and that didn’t seem like it was gonna change. You couldn’t let him do that to your child. 

You made dinner and he slept over that night, his vibranium hand holding your waist the entire night. 

You planned to catch him off guard the next morning, figuring you’d have the best chance of causing a panic while he was still tired. You got up, whispering that you had to use the restroom, and you slipped inside the room. You read somewhere that only a fourth cup of water comes out when your water breaks, so you fill a cup before drenching your underwear, legs and the bathroom floor. 

“Bucky!” You shouted, making sure you looked scared in the mirror, “Bucky!”

The door almost flew off its hinges as the soldier went into full alert. His eyes were wide, examining you, “What-What happened?”

“I-I think my water broke,” A tear slipped down your cheek. 

“It’s too early,” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair, “A-Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. All the books say it's a gushing feeling and that was definitely gushing.”

“Maybe we should wait … we can wait and see if contractions start-”

You shook your head furiously, cautiously stepping forward, “We have to see a Doctor. W-We have to … contractions are supposed to start before my water breaks a-and I’m only 29 weeks. I can’t have the baby naturally.”

“But-”

“We have to! Please, Bucky, a-all I care about is the baby. Please, I don’t want to lose them. Please don’t make me-”

“Okay, okay,” He nodded, grabbing your face as he wiped your tears, “Uhm …. let's get dressed. There’s a thirty minute drive to the hospital,” You nodded and his eyes narrowed at you, “This is for the baby, remember that. You pull anything and-”

“I know,” You placed your hand over your stomach, pulling away from his grasp. 

Your body was heavy when he led you out of that room. You felt your reality shifting as you entered the world again. What surprised you most was how normal the rest of the home was, not particularly homey, but it was nice and spacious. There was even a full front yard and, sadly, you imagined the happy family that could have lived here. You half-expected him to have a wife and kids that he was hiding you from. 

Now, sitting in the hospital bed, you watched him paced around, not paying attention to what the Doctor was saying. 

“So she’s not in labor? She felt her water breaking.”

“No, Sir. Based on the ultrasound, the amniotic fluid levels are normal. I’m not sure what happened, could be a multitude of things, but it was most likely a false alarm. But don’t worry, it happens all the time. And your baby looks very healthy.”

You opened your mouth to say something but Bucky’s eyes narrowed at you, a warning. 

“Okay, thank you, Doc.”

“Do you two have a primary obstetrician? One isn’t listed-”

“Are we free to leave?”

The Doctor took another look at you, as if he was trying to understand our relationship, but if he noticed anything, he didn’t say it, “Yes, you’re free to go. I would just make sure to keep a sharp eye out and give your obstetrician a call if you have a question-”

“Of course, thanks, Doc,” Bucky nodded as he forced a smile. With his dark jacket and black gloves, it was hard for him not to look intimidating. 

The Doctor looked down at you with a warm smile, “Let me know if you need anything, ma’am.”

Say something. 

Say something. 

If you were going to say something, this would be the time. Why did Bucky have such a hold on you even outside of the room?

As soon as the Doctor left the room, Bucky turned away, frustratedly packing up your bag, “Get up, get dressed, let’s go.”

“Bucky, I really did think-”

“If you don’t want someone in this hospital to get hurt, I’d get dressed and keep your mouth shut.”

You moved your legs to the side, real tears beginning to fall down your face, as you struggled to get your dress on. Bucky noticed your sniffling from the corner of his eye. He moved towards you, kneeling down beside the bed, “Hey, I’m sorry …. I’m just stressed out. I don’t like you being here ... but everything is going to be okay. Our baby is perfectly healthy and we’ll be home soon. There will be no more interruptions after this.”

You couldn’t even bring yourself to nod in agreement knowing that your own opinion didn’t matter. Bucky was god, enforcing his will on you, and claiming he knew best. You felt so small in comparison to him but there had to be something left within you that could keep fighting, that could keep you from going willingly back into that room-

“Y/N?”

You perked up, “Yes?”

“C’mon doll face, let’s go home.”

hope you enjoyed! not sure where i want to take this so feedback will be much appreciated!