#I’ve genuinely gotten to the point of hating my entire being again and it’s so hard to look in the mirror of take pictures of my self at all

[the5thcellar]

Hi, I recently stumbled upon your blog and I am so glad I did! While I’m very sorry for all the troll hate you’ve received, I like the sassy way you’re handling them. I’m trying to find the humor in why so many people are pressed and feel like they need to defend something that you haven’t even denied is real. And just because you have a different opinion, they cannot handle it. Reading your responses, and reading the responses of other people with whom I share similar sentiments, has made me laugh and feel better over the last week. I’ve been desperately trying to find other posts/people that have similar vibes because this whole… situation-ship has been a bit much. I also appreciate your reminder that “no matter how good a man seems, trying to justify anything they do is still a sure path to disappointment!” 

I was wondering if you had any thoughts about Luke’s social media lately? I’ve read some points about how messy his social media presence has been handled (or mishandled) over the past year+ and how it did not help with the way everything played out. Also, I feel like he’s either turned on notifs for Nic because he’s been very diligent about liking all her posts, or maybe, he’s finally gotten a team to handle it. I just feel like everyone is in crisis comms mode, trying to wrangle back control. Just genuinely curious because it’s what I’ve been pondering over for the last day or two. Thank you in advance for your time if you answer my ask!

I'm so sorry this took me awhile - I started replying it in the morning on the way to work but decided I needed to gather my thoughts more.

To the first part: I completely empathise with how the entire situation has just been so "much" - it really has. It seems so silly, but somehow, whether or not two people I DON'T KNOW are in love or not in love, are best friends or are not best friends - can affect so much of my mental and emotional wellbeing.

I know I'm being parasocial (it seems to be the internet buzzword of the moment). But let's be clear: almost EVERYONE online - everyone who has written in to my ask box, who has commented, who has liked - everyone on twitter and tiktok who has talked about this - they're all just as parasocial. Because we're all assuming and casting aspersions on people we do not personally know. No one online who engages in discourse has the moral or ethical high ground. We are ALL in the gutter together (that said - I believe the gutter has many levels 😂).

IN ANY CASE - I just want to assure you that what you're feeling is not some atypical affliction. It is normal to feel awful that something you believed in and something you felt happy about is untrue. It is normal to look for other people who feel the same because misery is always better with company. It is normal to feel disappointed even as you remind yourself that men have been useless since the dawn of time.

The best counter to all these sad, awful feelings is to remember that life is a cycle. That life is complex. And although I'm saying this for the millionth time - that life has many, many grey areas.

As a kid I thought Zanessa was everything. Then they broke up, and she got together with Austin whom I hated. For years I seethed at the very mention of them. And after almost a decade... they also broke up. And not even 2 years after that, she's married and with child.

For a long time I also thought Brangelina was everything - you can't imagine my devastation when they divorced and I found out Brad is a complete dirtbag. But at the same time that I felt this horrible upset - I'm sure TONS of other people were feeling vindicated because they were fans of Jen A.

There are just SO MANY other stories like that. I mean come on - JLo and Ben Affleck. On again, off again, finally made it to the altar ... and now they're headed for divorce.

Chris and Mariska - both married to other people for 27 bloody years (or maybe longer) - and still making it very clear they are each others soulmates - and NOT platonic ones btw.

Tony and Kerry - WHAT EVEN ARE THEY? Perhaps the only pair on the internet that has people rooting for cheating and affairs 😂

Lessons: don't let a long term boyfriend stop you from finding a husband. Don't let a husband stop you from finding your soulmate. Don't let your soulmate stop you from engaging in a late, great love affair.

All crazy, contradicting statements distilled from all the above real life stories.

It makes one thing very clear to me: I can believe what I want to believe about Luke and Nicola. Because no one fucking knows what is in the future. They could get together next month. Next year. When they're in their 70s. No one can tell me SHIT about what I believe - not when life is clearly full of incredible twists and turns.

So fuck it. Fuck the haters and the antis and the naysayers. I can ship them till the day I die and no one can tell me any different. Because how could they? They literally canNOT !

To the second part: this is an easy answer and there's no need to think too much into it. Luke's social media has simply undergone an extensive renovation by his agents and team in anticipation of him becoming a big star (whether or not that will actually happen remains to be seen). All highly personal, "non-aesthetic" posts of his have been archived - his posts are all related to work and his coworkers. He has many posts with Nicola because he / his team knows those get the most engagement - and the more engagement he gets, the better the IG algorithm works in his favour to push his OTHER, non-Nicola or Bridgerton related posts to people's feeds. I don't think anyone is in crisis comms mode tbh. Maybe Nicola panicked a bit after she posted that tiktok that everyone took wildly out of context. But beyond that I don't think the wider audience gives af who he's dating - it seems like his personal life is very big news only because we keep searching about it and talking about it and so it feels like EVERYONE is. But if you step outside the online bridgerton fandom bubble ..... no one cares. There is a HEFTY portion of netflix viewers who watch bridgerton without EVER going online to read about the actors.

Long story short I think Nicola and Luke will become even MORE conscious about what they post - but I don't believe there was a crisis in the true sense of the word. And although Luke's team clearly handles his socials he obviously has access to it as well. Btw - all celebs have someone who handles their socials I'm sure Nic does too, just that she's also on her own account a lot. I don't know if Luke has his notifs on for Nicola's posts but even if he does I don't believe his consistent likes mean anything much. I mean...he also diligently likes all of Antonia's posts 😂

Social media isn't much of an indicator of honesty to me ... as someone whose work heavily involves it, everything is curated to a disgusting degree.

What I put more stock in is what we can see - and what we can see of them when they DON'T think about being seen - which is to say, all the unconscious, natural moments between Nicola and Luke - the vibe around them both, and the easy way they breathe and exist together.

That's what makes me such a big believer in their bond.

[mazzystar24]

Here's the thing and I'm not saying it's ok, it's obviously not in any way, shape or form, but since I'm assuming you have all the tags of bucktommy filtered perhaps you haven't seen it. Most of the bucktommy blogs (including ones that also ship buddie) have gotten many many hate asks, insulting them, accusing them of something, and just being incredibly disgusting. You literally can't go to the bucktommy tag without finding many posts of buddie fans who tag bucktommy saying shit about the ship, the actors, and the people who ship them. Saying that bucktommy shippers must feel threatened by buddie going canon and that's why they are rude is absolutely crazy (though there might be some that do, who knows?). Now, I'm sure that going to the buddie tag is also hard to do and there must be people who post shit about buddie and I know there are many blogs that are anti the extreme buddie fans. So, what I'm trying to say is that both ships have people that are purposely posting things to make the others mad, that are actively trying to continue this -frankly- stupid ship war. And they are being racist (on both sides, not just bucktommy shippers, I saw a bucktommy blog from a POC person get an ask calling them the n* word) and just plain awful. So, assuming that buddie blogs are better and do nothing wrong is incorrect, and it goes the other way as well. I really don't understand how people can be so mean, and so self-centered over two ships that who even knows what's going to happen? Everyone, absolutely everyone should do better. No one is better than the other one.

Hi anon!

Okay in case you don’t know my blog here is my usual warning that I will be bullet pointing but I promise I’m not trying to be curt/rude (cos you genuinely don’t seem to be on the attack or anything) I just can like explain my thought process better when I can like break it down into chunks 🫡

• I’m assuming you saw either this post which I do end with saying “Like we get it some buddie fans were dicks to you or you disagree or they did something or whatever the fuck but dont start being dicks to an entire fandom???” (Which I feel like it kinda gets the point across of like in general what people shouldn’t do but also it was in the context of me saying that that day there was a surge in the anti buddie fans in the tag, but I also do acknowledge that there will have been buddie fans who have been dicks to them, so I never “assumed that buddie fans are better and never did anything wrong”) Or this one which is just a whole post about why people shouldn’t be misusing tags rather than making people block them and obviously I’m talking in both posts about what I’ve personally seen which is the anti buddie accounts but the principle applies for both and I agree 100% and I did actually make a post earlier than that here where I do talk about both ends and misusing tags as well as not using discourse tags and I talk about both the anti bucktommy/ toxic buddie fans and anti buddie/toxic bucktommy fans so while I understand that you may not have seen that post and out of context it may seem like I only view one side as being better than the other I actually have pointed out before that it’s both and I urge both to just be respectful in fandom spaces, that’s why I even mentioned in the post where I’m complaining about people spamming the buddie tag that I always just politely ask whichever one I see (which again based off what I engage with happens to be the people spamming the buddie tag) but I did make a whole three parter post about how people can improve fandom spaces and how everyone should be doing better

• I actually don’t have the bucktommy tags filtered because as I’ve mentioned before I genuinely don’t dislike them and enjoy seeing their scenes and dynamic they’re just not endgame for me

• okay the racism is a more complicated topic so I do wanna preface this with saying I’m a poc before I have any toxic fans jumping into my inbox calling me a “dumb white bitch” again 😭😭- I don’t know how the racism toward the bucktommy fandom has been -not that any amount of racism is fine obviously like genuinely to those blogs that got shit said I genuinely hope you’re fine- but the toxic bucktommy fans have become a wholeass section of the fandom being racist, which is why I point it out because it’s not one or two incidences but rather an entire subset pushing racist narratives or just posting shit that’s racist u(and again my heart fully goes out to the bucktommy fans who had to deal with people being racist to them I am just personally going based off what I’ve seen and it’s the fact that there are SO MANY racist anti buddie accounts if that makes sense so it’s more widespread in that case)

• as for the comment about toxic bucktommy fans feeling threatened and that’s why there was a rise, i actually didn’t say that but it was pointed out to me by people in my comments and I was like that makes sense and honestly it does because it absolutely tracks that when one side of the fandom is feeling optimistic about something that hints at their ship the other side’s toxic fans will want to put a damper on that, just like I can probably guess that toxic buddie fans probably hounded the bucktommy tag around the time the hospital kiss happened, like it just makes sense

Thanks anon for the ask because I genuinely do agree with most of what you said, and you were respectful with it which I appreciate, but I genuinely urge you in the politest way I can to just check out people’s accounts before sending an ask like this because context is genuinely key and people aren’t gonna be reiterating that it happens on either end when talking about something in the context of one end if that makes sense? And I personally do try to acknowledge it as much as possible even in the posts that I assume you were referring to🫶🫶🫶

[svcredveins]

Here’s what will get us to win: never giving up.

That’s another issue with this community is that we are allowing those who are sexualizing women by just leaving and not doing any such action against it to end it. To end it entirely would be near impossible as that’s because it’s just how the world is unfortunately, but to at least rise above? Yes. That is possible. And what do they all want? A reaction. That’s literally the main reason - a reaction and to pleasure their own ego. It’s not worth giving them a reaction to them at all!

But to a point for your mental health, it is completely understandable by leaving or taking a break; I totally get that and I certainly don’t blame anyone for leaving at all because it is genuinely disgusting what they’re doing. They have every right to leave, but look at it this way:

We have a passion for the human heart and how it functions. That’s why this community exists right? If you are so passionate and don’t want to leave, then why leave? Love is always stronger than hate. Do what makes you happy! Everyone has a choice, but remember why you started.

We have met many amazing and kind people on here who do good too. Not everyone is a bad seed, so always remember about the good people you’ve met along the way. Talk to them more often if you are able to do so. They matter more!

Previously stated, there are good people here; we as humans always default to the negatives and think that they are everywhere on this app. Sure it may look like that, but what about the good people we’ve met along the way? The memories?

Bad things don’t last forever; remember that. There is a season for storms, there is a season for sunshine. Not everything is going to be okay, and that’s okay. It may be hard, but that is life and without tough circumstances, how can we grow as a human being?

I have met quite the bit of amazing people on here who are supportive and are kind. I’ve come across a couple of weirdos here and there but what do I do? I just ignore them; I don’t shift my focus entirely on them and just carry on with what I love doing. Sure I’ve answered twice to two weirdos, but my reaction is bold and to the point. If I need to say something, I will say it, and because I never mentioned my boundaries (I have subtly with what I am passionate about, but not literally speaking about it). I know it was just a couple, I know in comparison others have gotten so much sickening comments from thirsty men who want nothing but sex and see women only as a sex object and nothing else more, but the fact of the matter is, if you really want to stay, then stay. You do not have to because your mental health matters, but in order to rise above the haters, you must take action against these men who think nothing but only themselves and their dicks. Tumblr shouldn’t allow them to harass any women on this app.

We are strong women. We don’t owe men shit at all, and if they wanna be inappropriate, then let them watch porn if they want, but do not allow them to dictate your mind; block them. Do not show them anything. It’s their loss they have that low mindset; they will struggle in life because of their poor choices and very poor behaviour towards women. They will get their karma.

Even the new people who have joined, we gotta be there for them as well, we gotta be there for each other even more; that’s how deeper relationships grow. The world is a cold place and we gotta just spread more positivity than negativity. We just cannot allow the creeps to dictate how we feel about cardiophelia, or how we look, because again, they are driven by sexual pleasure, not by common sense and respect, and that’s entirely on them.

So ladies, we’ve got this. My DMs are open if anyone would like to vent about this, because I am entirely willing to help out and listen. We cannot let this community fall apart, because who else can we talk to about cardiophilia? Nobody else in person because they would think we’re creepy. But ultimately, it’s amazing how a community can build great relationships by just a simple app. Don’t let the buggers ruin it for us. They’re insecure and have huge egos.

That’s my piece of the cake. Thought I’d really vent about it as well. We gotta stand up everyone! That’s how this community won’t be dry like a desert. We gotta hype the new comers up and rise above the creeps. We’ve all got this! Nobody is ever alone. 🫀🙂

My apologies for copying this, Tumblr collapsed the reblog so it covered what I said haha, at least on my end and it’s like triple long haha. Anyway, that’s my little piece. Much love everyone 🖤

[puck-luck]

I’m not hating on YOU. Just on how slow and rude the characters are being made out to be. Honey should stop being so rude to Trevor, give him some credit for putting up with her attitude. Bea is genuinely for the streets. Again not hating on YOU because I like your writing style plus reading your other works i really like. I get I don’t have to read it if I don’t like it but I’ve waited and gave it time for stuff to start picking up.

I appreciate that you're not hating on me because you enjoy my writing style. That's always nice to hear. I'm glad you've read my stuff and even tried to stick it out for STG.

I want to reply to your concerns, so I typed up a couple of bullet points in my notes app. In a very in-character moment for me, it became lengthy. I'm hiding it under this Read More so that no one has to see it if they don't want to. Tbh, that includes you— and I don't mean that in a mean way, even if it might come off like that. It's hard to convey feeling through words on a page, which brings me to my first point:

1. A lot of Honey's attitude is written as means for banter, since Trevor knows that she doesn't mean it in such a negative way— he's aware that she's deflecting. Maybe I need to make that clearer and now I know, which means I can try and work on that! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

2. Honey has trauma, which I've started to explain in the story. It's going to be fleshed out more and she WILL work through it, but the girl has some pretty complex PTSD when it comes to relationships. That's the reason why she's so hot and cold with Trevor. She knows what she's feeling, but she's not ready to accept it yet.

3. In Chapter 5, the most recent chapter, Honey admits to Trevor that she's the difficult one. She's well aware that she's having trouble with this new relationship and that manifests in her attitude towards Trevor. He says he doesn't mind (basically) and she just hums BECAUSE it bothers her that she's being hard to deal with, and yet she can't stop herself. Again— it's her complex PTSD.

HERE is a screenshot of my Google doc so you can read the scene itself:

4. Fair. Bea is for the streets. Yet, at the same time, I don't see the real issue behind this: everyone involved is a consenting adult that is fully aware of the situation. Everyone knows that Bea is hooking up with the guys in the house. If the guys didn't want to hook up with her, they wouldn't— like how Luke turns her down in this most recent chapter. She's also a girl in her 20s... I know a lot of girls in college that made goals to sleep with entire exec boards of frats or collect each frat president or, in an extreme case, a girl that wanted to hook up with every brother in our pledge class, the pledge class above us, and the pledge class below us. If the girl wants to be a slut, then she can be a slut. & that's how I'm writing her. More power to her. Things might even change for Bea over time, like how real relationships go...

5. As for the slowness: I know that my chapters have gotten super long. I keep getting carried away and writing more than I mean to. It's because I like this project and the characters I've created. BUT, each section is a day. Each chapter is a week. Honey and Trevor have known each other for just over a month and I PERSONALLY am not the kind to hook up with a guy I've just met. Yes, at times it seems long and I know that it drags at times because I can feel it dragging while I write— but I am trying to make this as realistic and detailed as possible. Between the whipped cream scene and the blowjob scene, 10 days passed. That's SUCH a short amount of time, especially since the pair didn't see each other as much that week. Honey works, Trevor trains, and a lot of that is off screen because I think it's boring to write when this is a ROMANCE.

6. If I had an editor, they could probably help me cut this shit down and make it drag less. I DON'T have an editor though and this is a very detailed rough draft of a story that would probably change a LOT before publishing IF I WERE TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

7. I apologize that you have waited and hoped for quicker advancement in Honey and Trevor's story. To me, it's not a fast story. It's going to pick up... on my outline I have Trevor and Honey hooking up 3 times next week. You're welcome to hang in there for that if you want to. It's up to you.

And finally... I apologize that my explanation was so long. And probably slow. I just want to be thorough with your concerns. If you choose not to read anymore of STG, then good for you. I'll still be churning out oneshots when I can and I hope you like those more.

I really do appreciate the feedback. I hope this response didn't seem rude because I'm not trying to be. It's also 2:30am for me so I really should go to bed before I ACTUALLY get my feelings hurt or start lashing out... which I've been known to do when tired. So. Goodnight Anon. Thanks for not hating on ME and I hope my explanations were good enough for you.

[atopvisenyashill]

What do you think of the Sansa line where she says Arya had been unsatisfactory as a sister despite not knowing if Arya is even alive? Asking in truly good faith as a fan of both. I don’t think they hate each other at all and I’ve been accused of being too generous in my interpretations but this line in particular seems unusually callous for Sansa. My generous interpretation would be that it wasn’t meant to be part of Sansa’s thoughts but given the limited third person perspective the series is written in I don’t think that holds up. It’s the one sticking point for me in my understanding of their relationship. I can understand the way she lashed out in book 1 and said callous things given the context of the situation. It was unkind but this was a high stress time so a kid verbally lashing out at her younger sibling as a means to just have someone to be mad at is pretty realistic sibling conflict. But the unsatisfactory comment is hard for me to understand and empathize with

i've talked about this one before and i find the backlash to it perplexing. my allergies are kicking my ass right now so I'm just gonna paste my first paragraph from that here:

sansa isn’t thinking “i’d much rather have margaery as a sister” she’s thinking around how much she grieves for arya, and her own guilty feelings over not seeing through joffrey quick enough.

sansa does this thing, especially with arya but for everything that causes her pain really, where she thinks around a subject instead of facing it head on. that's very clearly what she's doing here:

Sister. Sansa had once dreamt of having a sister like Margaery; beautiful and gentle, with all the world's graces at her command. Arya had been entirely unsatisfactory as sisters went. How can I let my sister marry Joffrey? she thought, and suddenly her eyes were full of tears. "Margaery, please," she said, "you mustn't." It was hard to get the words out. "You mustn't marry him. He's not like he seems, he's not. He'll hurt you."

she's distancing herself from the memory of arya because she genuinely doesn't know if arya is alive or not and doesn't want to confront the idea that arya might be dead. but she can't truly distance herself from it because right after she thinks about arya she starts crying. it's not about joffrey potentially abusing margaery it's about how sansa feels like she failed arya by failing to see the type of person he really is before it was too late. she's thinking she should have done something more to help arya and now it's too late. again, please don't think i'm actually mad, but i do find it mind boggling how many people seem to miss this because it's an incredibly common take that sansa is being cruel here when she's just like...being a child in a bad situation.

i think if you (general you) had experienced death at a young age you would understand and i think that's part of why so many people don't. adults don't react rationally to grief, but sansa as a child is expected to do so. i think if you want to understand, really understand, why sansa can seem so callous, you should go watch the daniel sloss stand up, i believe it's his first one on netflix, dark. it's about his disabled sister, her death at a young age, and his reaction to it. he tells this story that i've always found hilarious and relatable and when i related it to my own sibling, they went "yep that's about right" - the day she died, daniel was supposed to go on a field trip. he was very excited. his sister had gotten a bit sicker the last few days but that was normal. she got sick, she went to the hospital, she hogged all the attention, she came home and got better. except when he comes downstairs...everyone is crying. they tell him that she's died. and daniel blacks out. he's told by his family later that he reacted by letting out a screaming wail of grief, then going to get his backpack and saying "okay time to go to the zoo now" while his parents were like "alright you little sociopath take the fucking backpack off you're not going to school." kids do not react kindly to grief. they don't understand it! it's too complex of a concept for them! sansa is a hostage. sansa thinks arya is dead. sansa thinks that arya was a shitty annoying sister and then promptly bursts into tears. those tears are about losing arya.

[charmwasjess]

Okay, I finally finished The Living Force, and as promised, I have thoughts. These are just my musings as a fan and a reader - if you enjoyed the book more than I did, I'm really glad! If you hated it, good for you too! Let people like things, let people not like things. <3 My feelings with this book were somewhat down the middle. I'm interested in reading it again in a couple months and seeing how I feel.

Overall: a fun, engaging read, genuinely hard to put down once the action starts going. The book isn’t afraid to be funny. SO MUCH GOOD JEDI CONTENT! Miller takes on a huge task trying to write perspectives for all twelve Council member characters and does a pretty good job bringing them to life. Mace and Depa steal the show. I had a hard time with some of the meta plot and overriding messages about the Jedi Order.

Andddddd the long version:

The entire conceit of the book comes about when Qui-Gon goes head to head with the Council, who are bogged down in committee red tape Senate paperwork disconnection, and challenges them to “help one person.” So inspired, the Jedi Council in its entirety goes to the planet Kwenn to help close down a hundreds-year-old Jedi Outpost. 

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan serve as the book’s inciting incident, our quest giver NPCs, who hang around close enough to the action to keep the readers who bought the book only for them engaged. It reminds me a little bit of a spin-off TV show where the fan favorite character from the original series shows up to boost ratings, saying their classic catch phrase while the live studio audience goes crazy. Look, Qui-Gon is Being Kind to Pathetic Lifeforms! Obi-Wan drops a “hello there” in the first scene! Oh, them!

Lest you think I’m being shitty, let me say that it was actually great to see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan on the eve of TPM working together well and having a blast. Both in Padawan and Master & Apprentice, they are still very much figuring out their relationship, and now it’s clearly evolved to its final magnificent form. They’re utterly corny together - I love that for them. This is the same pair that gave us “the negotiations were short” and the baffling “there’s always a bigger fish!”

I’ll talk a little bit about Sifo-Dyas because of course I will. He appears only in mentions, but so many of them, he's a huge part of the subtext of the book as he's recently left (been fired) from the Council and been killed - he's apparently on everyone's mind. I’ve posted about this before - I love the Seeker Sifo addition, and further, letting him be a rightful problem, a true pain in the Council’s ass and who ultimately got himself fired for not following the rules. Of course I have sympathy for him: this is a person who is beyond desperate to save his world and willing to try anything at this point in his life. And I think it’s worth mentioning that this is well within Cavan Scott’s characterization of him as a natural born troublemaker. I mean, he’s on screen for about two pages in Dooku: Jedi Lost before he just fucking literally steps on Yoda. Apparently, he never stopped. 

The book is oddly complimentary of him in weird places. Canon is inconsistent about Sifo-Dyas and how much his visions were impacting his judgment or even his simple ability to function. The last we heard of him in the Yoda comics, Sifo-Dyas was so routinely incapacitated by them that he was traveling with Lene full time. So it was cool to see that he had apparently gotten in control of them enough to be a super crucial member of the Council. Mace complains about Sifo’s absence and how that has directly impacted their entire ability to perceive the future, an acknowledged blind spot that comes up quite a lot in the prequel films and Clone Wars. Yoda goes on and on about how what a powerful Jedi he was.

...I don’t think the scene where the ENTIRE FUCKING Council round robin style takes potshots at Sifo-Dyas for *checks notes* rescuing some orphans was particularly successful. Of course, accuse me of bias, he’s a favorite character of mine, and it’s rough to see his colleagues - who are also his only friends and family - sitting around talking shit about him (to a bad guy no less!) for a page and a half, when he literally just got violently killed. (And they know he’s dead, at least, if not the circumstances. Killed on Felucia was the official story reported to the Council per wookiepedia.) Just tonally weird.

But really, I think what actually bothers me about that scene is the treatment of the baddie, Zalestra’s motivation as in any way legitimate, credible, or worth an apology by the narrative. Wow, the villain had a good point! To be clear, her issue with Sifo-Dyas taking her friends away to be Jedi is not that it changed her situation in any meaningful way in terms of care provided. It was a crime of omission. And these friends were so dear to her that she goes around indiscriminately killing Jedi of their exact generation? I suspect Miller liked his cool Nautolan Pirate Joker OC and wanted to give her a sympathetic excuse for why she was going around torturing and murdering Jedi (and just random people, including children) for fun, and “I got separated from my friends as a kid because of a Jedi” was the best he could do. Of course, it sets up Depa for a really beautiful line about not using other people as a canvas to paint grief on. 

The question of Attachment is a strong theme. Depa seems to be Going Through It - about attachment in particular, but also generally in the book. She’s shown relying a little too firmly on the no attachment cause in the wake of grief for a lost student. For example, she is quick to volunteer that Zalestra’s friends who were brought into the Temple together would be immediately separated so as to not form attachments - without pointing out the rest of that, that this separation would be specifically into Creche clans so they could bond with other Jedi kids and grow up in a community. Mace’s reaction to Depa’s attitudes make me suspect this is a Depa character growth thing, not something we’re supposed to take as a face value fact about the Jedi Order. Indeed, she ultimately overcomes her fears about this and decides to take a Padawan. And the final lines of the book include Qui-Gon defining for us that it isn’t attachment that’s a problem for Jedi – it’s indifference. 

Mace and Depa are the clear stars of the book. The Shatterpoint lineage vibes are immaculate. I’d read that the Living Force is supposed to set up an upcoming novel about Mace, and I am legitimately thrilled for it after reading this. Anyway, their dynamic is fantastic. Mace treats her 100% like a respected colleague, no cute Padawan infantilization tropes, even when he is put in situations like rescuing her after weeks of prolonged torture. Instead, he gives her his lightsaber to use, since hers has been taken. A really powerful and beautiful moment of support, while still recognizing her strength and agency. 

That said, if you’re looking for a deep dive into more obscure members of the Council or an EU/Legends junkie looking to see your favorite backstory pulled from the fire, this book might not be it.  With his five wives and seven daughters in old EU, Ki-Adi-Mundi might be the least likely Council Member to be the comedic butt of a bit revolving around awkwardness around women, but Miller goes for it, and there’s no mention of his family situation. 

Another odd reference, this time to current canon: the civilians the Council are working to help are mentioned as being the relocated survivors of the Protobranch disaster. It’s an ironic choice to frame the narrative of “the Jedi have been too focused on the big picture/the future at the expense of their duty to ordinary people” and then set the story in a community of people that the Jedi literally saved after getting a vision of the future disaster. The fact that it was our problem child Sifo-Dyas’s vision, and the rescue only happened after he and Lene outright defied the Council to get the gears moving is never mentioned or addressed, despite its seeming supreme relevance to the other themes in the story. 

For a time, I thought the narrative tension there between those two truths - that the Jedi should be concerned about ordinary people and living in the moment, but that this doom future is truly about to be a huge problem for the Jedi Order and the galaxy - was intentional. Having now finished the book, it doesn't seem to have actually been. Maybe someone else has a different perspective.

In truth, I didn’t understand what I kept reacting negatively to about with some of the meta themes of the book until the literal last page, John Jackson Miller’s author’s note where he says it outright. He talked about the other Star Wars books he has written over the last decade - how they all have depicted (Jedi) characters who are off on their own, away from the Order, “loners like Luke Skywalker,” and how his depiction of the Jedi Order from that perspective has been very critical. With this book, he decided that ALL Jedi couldn’t be bad, and that “Qui-Gon Jinn was the greatest symbol (of diversity of thought in the Order)” so he wanted to explore that. 

I closed the book and gently placed it in the trash can.

No, I’m kidding. Kind of. You know that I love Qui-Gon Jinn, he is my first favorite character, but this take exhausts me. That he is the magical exception to all of Jedi’s problems leading up to the prequels, and that if he were somehow not a direct product of that same Jedi Order, which encouraged him in his particular way of thinking almost to a fault, starting with Dooku.

In the final scene, with a magical twinkle in his eyes, Qui-Gon explains his own “defiance”of the Council: “I’m not insubordinate. I’m unorthodox. The insubordinate are ignored. The unorthodox are heard - grudgingly.” So the book finally resolves for us the narrative confusion in the difference between Sifo-Dyas’s bad future-fixated rulebreaking, which is shown to create villains and piss off his colleagues alike, and Qui-Gon’s good Living Force-serving unorthodoxy, which creates friends for the Order and moments of spiritual understanding for the Council. 

...Smashcut to six months later when Qui-Gon himself is outright defying the Council’s decision on Anakin and sidelining Obi-Wan because he’s convinced the Chosen One prophecy is just that important. 

Star Wars: The Living Force by John Jackson Miller, 6.5/10 stars, would have been 7 if I hadn’t read that asinine author’s note and gotten all mad again. 

[latenightgasstationwalk]

I’m so Fucking proud of myself for getting to this point with guitar. It’s hard to explain but before I started pursuing music I had no creative hobbies what-so-ever and my father had no trouble reminding me of that every fucking day. Me and my dad pretty much hated each other my entire childhood. It was actually music that turned our relationship around. the second I took an interest in music his approach to me as a person completely changed. So that’s benefit to music #1 for me as it provided an olive branch to my father and made us mend some bridges that I genuinely thought would be charred for life. But lately I’ve been making a lot of strides that I think I’ve been waiting for since I started. I’ve pretty much stopped using tablature all together and started learning everything by ear, which I never thought I’d do, I hear music totally differently now. I hear a new song and if I like it I play it on repeat over and over again so I can preform this kind of mental autopsy of the song one instrument at a time and try to deduce who’s doing what and what chords and scales and progressions and time signatures are being used, paying attention to the “theory” aspect of every song that plays within earshot, which is something I never intended to learn or care about.

Like that Fucking lighthouse song I was talking about yesterday, I looked up some tabs and they were ass, watched a little YouTube tutorial and it sounded right but the guy was playing it in a weirdly complicated and annoying way (dudes in drop D to play a song in the key of E minor with a D Em G progression. Like why) so I said fuck it and played it on my phone and just picked out the chords how I thought they’d sound, I don’t wana brag or speak to soon, but Im very happy with how my versions coming along compared to the others I’ve seen floating around. Im excited to show y’all when it’s done >:)

Anyway. Just a self serving vanity post, glad I got into music, glad I worked hard at it for over a decade, proud of myself for not only sticking with it but trying as hard as I do every day to get better. I have no intention of ever “making music” in any capacity other than what I’m doing now. Just fun little videos that I can look back on years from now and say “damn I killed it, look at how young I was, I was handsome” it’s my version of a family photo album I guess. Looking forward to what comes next for me. I’m currently obsessed with blue grass music which is really Fucking weird considering my musical roots are comprised of bands like nirvana, rage against the machine, tool, queens of the Stone Age ect. Ect. But I’m excited to see where I’ll be in a couple years.

If you find yourself thinking that you have too much free time and want a hobby I seriously can’t recommend guitar enough. I feel like it’s an obvious hobby so most people don’t bother, or convince themselves that they “can’t do it”, but I assure you, you can. You don’t have to practice every day. You don’t even have to practice! I don’t think I’ve ever once in my life sat down with a guitar with the intent of practicing. I just pick it up when I want too and play whatever comes out. It’s never gotten old, it’s never steered me wrong, I come out of a one hour guitar session feeling like a brand new man. Like I got all the poison out. I genuinely feel it’s the thing I was born to do. But I have no intention of ever making a dollar from it, nor do I think I would if I tried, as one of my most influential guitarists once said: “when you expect anything from music, you expect too much, do it for you. Do it because you love it. If it’s meant to be the rest will come”

So that’s what I’m doing. Playing fun stuff every day, paying attention to my improvements, encouraging myself to do a little better every time I pick it up. And forever remaining hopelessly dependent on the 6 strings.

Thank you for reading♥️

[latexjester]

I honestly don’t know what tags you’ve been looking through, because personally I’ve seen a lot of great posts regarding the characters in IHNMAIMS that fall way outside of the memes and other content.

With every fandom there’s going to be parts you don’t like, so then I’d encourage you to block those and not engage with them. Telling people to go die because you saw something /you/ didn’t like is just plain immature and really weakens your point about the fandom, because you’re contributing to the unlikable parts of it.

I’ve seen so much love for Ellen and Benny in particular, many people are very aware parts of the characters’ backstories and actions. Nimdok has rightfully gotten a hate for his backstory, as he should, and I agree that portraying him in something like a cosplay is insensitive.

Part of being in a fandom is having fun, and I personally think a lot of the “toxic yaoi” posts are jokes or memes, which will be present in every fandom.

But you’re so right about the AM human designs. In my opinion, he shouldn’t even have a human design, because the entire point is he will /never/ be human.

Just wanted to share my perspective on this.

i think your points are well worded and i will acquiesce that saying Die is a tad bit mean! however i do disagree with you because the majority of the content i have filtered - and blocked! - still gets through my filters. i shouldnt have to block every iteration of a tag for a work of fiction that i love because a bunch of people have decided the cool edgy thing of the month is now a short story that was written to illustrate the horror of humanity, morality, and inhumanity. i saw this happen with cry of fear - which i will say, it was wonderful seeing it get the love it deserved! buuuut then it just turned into simon/david. and thats the majority of popular tags. im seeing this happen with blood meridian! i saw this happen with the stanley parable, half life (and its spin offs), etc etc etc… and i know how this ends. people start callouts, they start doxxing campaigns, and then you end up with a tag so muddied its unusable. when i go into the ted ihnmaims tag, it takes me two dedicated minutes of scrolling to get past the x readers, the uwu softboi schtick, the spam tags now. this time last year half of these people didnt even know what ihnmaims WAS.

again, i see where youre coming from, and i am very much just a pissed off guy ranting about one of my favorite works of fiction, but when all there is is meme after meme after meme after meme…. dont you feel it waters down the source material? arent you tired of “fuck the author, these are MY characters now”? arent you tired of fast fandom, and knowing all these posts will be dust in the wind in six months when the Next Big Thing comes around? arent you tired of “human wheatley - i mean the narrator - i mean AM”? arent you tired of people who havent even engaged with the source material past “uwu flower boi” edits of AM coming in and writing prose about shit they dont know about? that they havent even cared about enough to read? i know i am! i was tired when i saw this happen in 2019/2020 with half life. i was tired in 2021 when it was resident evil. i was tired in 2022 when it was the stanley parable. i was tired in 2023 when it was cry of fear. and im tired now, seeing the same fast fandom people, who dont even care enough about the original work to read it, flood the tags.

tldr; man yells at cloud, i understand where youre coming from, but im tired of seeing niche works of fiction and art get churned into tiktok fads and edit audios and then get called cringe 6 months later. also send me the appreciation for ellen and benny, id genuinely love to see that as i feel theyre often looked over and sidelined

[imaginespazzi]

Alright bestie, I have sufficiently recovered from my hangover and can actually form more coherent thoughts. It’s gonna be LONG (can you tell I love this chapter so much?), so here goes:

Honestly, this is mainly just going to be me gushing about your writing because genuinely, the way this whole chapter was written was just – it was so beautiful.

Like the past 3 chapters were too, don’t get me wrong, but this one was just oof (I’m running out of words)- I had to re-read paragraphs or sentences several times over because it was just THAT GOOD.

The exchange between Azzi and Zoe, poor Zoe man, and Zoe saying “let me remember you as someone good- someone great” 😔 when you find the love of your life but you’re not theirs ❤️‍🩹 Thank you for your service (to the plot), Zoe.

And then the accident – babes you really put me through it with this part. This in particular though, “Uh yeah- I told her Azzi called and she seemed pretty sure she wanted me to pick up.” Maybe Paige does know what it would do, does know how it would make Azzi feel, maybe that’s the whole fucking point. The rage I felt towards Paige in this moment, like I know she was hurting bad but oh man doing this after having gone back to being radio silent had me fuming!

And then we get to THE SCENE. Which might be one of my favourite things you’ve ever written and that I’ve ever read. Was it one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve had to read? Abso-fucking-lutely. But my god, the way it was written was IMMACULATE. DIVINE. Just absolute perfection.

I could go on about this part forever, and the number of lines/quotes that just pierced me to my core, but this ask might just become as long as the chapter was but far less eloquent so I won’t put anybody through that.

This bit though - “If I hadn’t called you that night would you have called me first Paige?  If I hadn’t gotten into that stupid accident, would you even have texted me ever again?” Paige’s silence is an answer in itself. I was starting to trust Paige again before this chapter and so I was severely disappointed in her with this one. Look I know she starts redeeming herself towards the end, but she’s still got a ways to go before, even I, trust her with Azzi’s heart.

Oh and then when she talks about maybe entering the draft if Azzi gave her a reason to. Like I know baby girl was desperate to save them at this point, but I kinda hated her for it because to give Azzi that small flicker of hope when Azzi was right, she probably would have just resented Azzi for it eventually.

Quick side note though: can I just say I love how real-life circumstances line up perfectly for this fic – Sparks having the second pick of the draft and that being where Paige was projected to go, and then the bracket having UCLA and UConn in a potential Final Four match up. I knew the committee were fans of the fic too! 😭

Azzi giving Paige a taste of her own medicine – AS SHE SHOULD.

The game – Nika hugging Azzi?? Love that growth. And then “good game Bueckers” – again, I’m team Azzi here right now but my heart still hurt for Paige in that moment.

But also, Azzi still being so happy for Paige despite her own heartbreak at losing, the love she still has for her despite everything is so 🥺

The final part – Paige desperately wanting Azzi there for the championship game and just her entire proclamation of love and always being there from now on. Like ok maybe I’m team Paige again too, but she really has put my poor sweet princess pookie through so much so…IDK I’M CONFLICTED.

OKAY FUCK IMMA WRAP THIS BIT UP NOW EVEN THOUGH I COULD KEEP GOING

Thoughts on what’s next?

Fluff, maybe? 😭

I’m actually so curious what Azzi’s response will be, because I think I recall you saying way back when that you envisioned them not ending up together until much later in the story? So does she give in and finally give them a chance? Or is she still not ready yet? Either way, I think for Paige, this is it – she’s all in and even if Azzi says she’s not ready yet, I know she’ll wait however long it takes and she’ll keep showing up (or at least I hope she does).

But also, Azzi showing up to the championship game in Paige’s jersey, maybe? Please?

Also, I just realised that since we don’t have Azzi getting injured in this fic (thank you, because we need at least one alternate universe where it doesn’t happen) – does that mean they’d be getting drafted in the same year? Oof so much potential with that! 👀

Ok ok I’ll stop here now, but again, even in my extremely hungover and half-dead state (which I was in when I first read part 4), trust that my brain was constantly WOW WOW WOW while my heart kept breaking.

Favourite line/quote (there are so many, too many, to choose from):

“I think you mean it now. I don’t think you’ll mean it forever,”

Also just another quick side note, as always the song choice is on point, but when I was listening to my UCLA au playlist (I know, I literally made one too, I’m just too invested lmao), I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran came on and idk the chorus of “I was made for loving you, even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through. Every bone screaming I don’t know what we should do. All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you” just felt really poignant when reading the ending.

Thank you for this bestie. Have a great day/night and hopefully we get the W tomorrow 🙏

So much love always, Nivi 💗

-🙋‍♀️

Have I mentioned how much I love you? And every time I see you in my inbox, especially with your long reviews, I get to so excited and honestly they'll never be too long for me. <3

First of all babes thank you for all the compliments, like you had me blushing throughout reading because it really means a lot, especially because this fic really would not exist without you. 💗

Zoe really is just a good pure soul and breaking her heart sort of broke mine

Paige (as she realize eventually) really fucked up in this chapter like even I, as the person in control of this lmao, was pretty upset with her but as you said, this is it for Paige. She's fully out of her stupidity era (I think) and completely into her *fight til the end* era now

I had a lot of fun writing the fight scene so the fact that it's your favorite makes me so happy and lowkey babes we're the same, cause gut-wrenching heartbreak scenes really are my most favorite thing ever.

No but actually though so many things lined up really well for the fic to still stay really close to reality (except well UCLA isn't gonna be in the F4 but still if they had Azzi....) and the draft worked out really well. I think for Paige to get to the point that she did, she needed to to be put in a similar situation and the draft really worked out well for that

Okay I'm ngl to you bestie, I actually don't know what's next. I had a vision but I'm also very go with the flow, so a lot of my initial plans have gone out the window. So honestly, currently, I don't know if Azzi's gonna say yes, no or maybe something in between?

I'm glad you picked up on them likely being drafted in the same year because as it stands, the two of them are not gonna be able to be in the same state/city for a hot second and that's gonna be the new point of contention, especially with Azzi's trust issues.

That quote was one of my favorites too!

YES I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU FITS SO WELL WITH THE END. I'd also recommend listening to Just Give Me a Reason because the duet fits both Paige and Azzi very well, with one of them being hopeful and the other on the brink of despair

Always happy to see you babes <3

[nuttyrabbit]

I genuinely liked all the obscure Sonic Facts that Greeny would post about! It sucks, but I found them really interesting!

However, the constant Ian Flynn bashing was really annoying. I understand not liking his writing style, it’s not perfect and can be criticized. But I swear to fuck, he would complain about the tiniest things!

Then he would talk about Flynn stans and how they sucked his dick constantly. I’m sorry to say this, but Greeny was hate-sucking Ian’s dick constantly!!!!

I don’t usually follow drama in the Sonic Fandom, since I’m too old to be getting angry over stupid things. I just stay in my lane, occasionally read fanfics for my ships, reblog theorizing/positive posts and cute fanart. Like, I think fandoms should be fun, so I try to have fun.

I followed Greeny since, as I said, I like the trivia they posted about and wanted to learn more.

At some point though, I think I became embarrassed to like IDW Sonic because of how much Greeny and their group would criticize Flynn and Evan. I took a break from the comics because the zombot arc had exhausted me, but I think reading the constant criticism made me not want to pick it back up. I still haven’t picked IDW Sonic back up.

I also feel like it’s gotten worse over the years. Like, I don’t remember seeing this type of stuff, or at least not as much complaining, back when I first started following Greeny.

Eventually, I stopped having fun and enjoy my time with Greeny’s posts. I felt like it made me more ashamed of what I enjoyed, and that’s not how I want to spend my time. It wasn’t even thoughtfully negative, it was just mean-spirited.

I recently stopped following Greeny, I think before Frontiers came out. He had made a post bashing the Flynn’s dialogue in one of the leaked cutscenes at the time (when Sonic first encounters the voice). Then he made another post translating the Japanese of that scene… and it was literally the exact same fucking sentence!!!!

I realized then that I was done with Greeny, that he was going to criticize the English dialogue for the entire fucking game. And I didn’t want to deal with it.

I wanted to try and enjoy Sonic Frontiers with being ashamed!

Sorry for the super long rant. Didn’t expect this ask to be a novel. I know you weren’t really talking about Greeny, but I’ve been holding this in and I just needed to air out my grievances.

You don’t have to answer or even post this ask, I just needed to get this off my chest. Again, sorry.

Honestly anon, I'm glad you posted this because my experience was very similar. For a long time I followed Greeny because they had good insights and made good posts, and even thought they acted cunty sometimes and had opinions that I thought were outright ignorant, I generally let it slide because things were relatively civil

But then yeah, the Zombot Arc brought out the worst in her and a lot of people, including me. God going back to my posts from that time is exhausting because I was furiously debating every one of these people and we were all being brick walls about it, and I could feel the discourse get naster and nastier.

It was around that time I remember her and the other people in her group just getting meaner in general and becoming very hateful towards Ian specifiaclly. Like they didn't like him a ton before but it became downright vitriolic and it felt like even discussing the guy in anything other than a negative light was a reason for them to jump down your throat

Even after the Zombot arc ended, shit remained so toxic that it was one of the reasons (well that and just my focus shifting from Tumblr in general) I just kinda left this site and didn't really look back, because it was getting to the point where I was dreading every issue coming out for the inevitable fucking discourse.

From the looks of it, it seemed like it only got worse with time, especially with the release of Frontiers.

Here's my ultimate fucking take. Greeny is entitled to her opinions, however crudely worded or wrong or bad faith they may be. But people are also entitled to call her out on her opinions and attitudes or just flat out ignore them, much as they are with anyone else's opinions, including mine.

The only reason I got involved in all of this shit was because I vented an opinion on Twitter and it got out of hand. Most of the time, I'm like you and just content to vibe in the fandom and talk about whatever, and I'd like to go back to that. I'd much rather be talking about my fucking OCs and my verse than dumb fandom drama bullshit

But like I said, I'm glad you sent this both to get it off your chest and to give me the chance to do the same. At this point I've just had so many bad experiences in this fandom (some of them of my own doing I will freely admit) that it's hard to care anymore. But I don't think anyone should be afriad to speak up about anyone in this fandom, even someone like Greeny or Crusher or a popular artist or whomstever the fuck

[winns-stuff]

LO CONFESSION:

I won’t lie, about the reveal of the fastpass with Hermes and Persephone with Apollo coming back I really had a hard time feeling anything about it. I hate to even admit this because I understand about why this should’ve been a bigger moment and why I should at least be excited that Apollo is finally being dealt with I find myself lacking in all emotion about it.

Now before I say anything I wanna clarify that in no way am I saying “I don’t care that Persephone is confronting her abuser”, that’s not what I’m trying to say at all. I am glad that he is being dealt with and hopefully this time it will be by Persephone’s hands and Persephone’s hands only because I feel like since her trauma is so overlooked by the comic this could really be her chance to literally take it back and be in full control of it. I’m happy that he’s finally being addressed and I hope that the comic actually punishes him and not just let him off so easy like they’ve genuinely been doing this entire time. And what I mean by that is that Apollo literally has no consequences for anything, every time we’ve seen Apollo he’s gotten away with things and I can understand if the narrative writes it like that on purpose so that it’ll be realistic but at the same time it doesn’t feel like the narrative itself even wants to deal with him. His character gets slaps on his wrists not because it’s intended to but because they want to move onto something else, for the trauma he’s caused to be this great it doesn’t actually feel like it’s important and I hate that.

But back to my main point about Persephone and the red eyes. First off I just want to say that they should’ve just kept the red eyes for wrath and anger, I really do think it would’ve been more impactful since we know that that’s the only emotion that comes with it and this would be an amazing time to be furious. Second, I wish Persephone would actually look pissed off when the red eyes come on I hate that she’s always smiling and in a way yeah it could be creepy and unsettling but I just wish to see more range with it but that’s just a personal nitpick. Third off is I have a hard time taking them serious now, the comic has used Persephone’s red eyes and her anger in general as a joke so many times it’s hard to convince myself that this is actually something that won’t be taken as a joke. As much as I have hope that there won’t be any jokes made or implied both during this confrontation and after it I already know that LO has a very hard time taking itself seriously so I wouldn’t be surprised if jokes would be made even when it’s nowhere near necessary. Fourth is I feel like there was little to no build up to this whole thing, I don’t feel like this is what I’ve been waiting for and I don’t believe that this is even a big moment. There’s nothing satisfying for me about this confrontation and it genuinely upsets and disappoints me entirely, I feel like they’ll be no resolve or the resolve will just be very rushed and underwhelming which is annoying to me because I would like to see this situation finally have importance and be acknowledged as important by this comic.

I know how serious this conversation is and everyone else in the fandom does as well but I hate that the comic acts as if they have no clue why this whole thing is important. I don’t want jokes being made, I don’t want light atmosphere, I don’t want “funny faces”, I don’t want anything that would take away from the scene. I want this scene to be powerful and I want them to deliver true justice to Persephone not half ass it like they always fucking do. Which is why I’m writing this confession, I want all of these things to happen but I know more than anyone that I’ll be disappointed yet again by this comic. I know that they won’t give this situation any integrity or respect at all and I know they’ll treat it like it’s one big fucked up joke because they always do, and I’ll be the one left angry and upset because once again LO has failed to deliver what it’s promised to fans for the 1000th time.

[lady-phasma]

So, I’ve been seeing the different takes on Aemond’s softness and I haven’t been able to sit down and get this out correctly until now. I do like your idea that he should be more than one dimensional but I do have to disagree about him being incapable of being soft or wanting soft things and in this essay… 😂 but really –

Despite my attraction to Ewan Mitchell and in turn, Aemond, I feel like I am Aemond. I understand him a bit or maybe I’m making the pieces fit but I’m not playing the pity card or looking for brownie points, just that I think I get him. I was born to a mother who never wanted children and didn’t want to be married to my father, it was shortlived. I grew up with a half brother who has my last name but none of the blood and there is strife in our family because I hated it, when I was a child I told my mom that I didn’t want my last name on his tombstone and begged her to change it or make him change it before he could die with my name, but it was also her married name and despite being divorced, she wanted to maintain the “family unit.” I am vindictive to what my mom calls is the point of ruthlessness, even for my own family members. I don’t take disrespect lightly, I don’t forgive easily and I hold grudges incredibly well. I can be mean and selfish, especially if I feel like you’re undeserving. When I am threatened, I change and that person will do whatever it takes to survive the threat. I have grown up in an environment that has told me I must always be on guard, always expect people to want to hurt or take from me to benefit themselves, and not to trust anyone but myself. I have wanted comfort, softness, unconditional love, understanding and a place but the world told me those things only exists in fairytales. I have an exterior that is already difficult to break through but once you’ve made me angry or done something I don’t like, that exterior becomes impossible to break. My softness and fragility exists but not everyone is deserving of it, not even to see it or know it exists sometimes but the few who have managed to get past my armor, walls and defenses – it is given to them freely. I will do anything I can for those who have proven my environment and upbringing to be wrong, I try to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves but it’s because I’m healing. I used to resent those who were weaker than me and asked for help, I resented those I thought stronger than me who asked for more than what they got because I didn’t get what I needed so why should anyone else. I didn’t think I was allowed to be soft and didn’t think anyone else was allowed either because why should they if I didn’t? But as I’ve gotten older and continue to learn new perspectives, I’m evolving – it’s human nature and that’s what I see in Aemond. I see the inner child who is still angry, sad and hurt who desperately wants the affection he was denied by those who should’ve been the warmest and safest haven for him. I understand the lack of social and emotional development that drives his hatred and I genuinely believe he wants to be softer whilst also being afraid of trusting anyone with his needs because he thinks they’ll judge him or tell folks so instead he becomes fearsome, acting like he’s above it all so he doesn’t get hurt again. Whilst I know he’s a fictional character, I also know that if he were real, his emotions would be complex and he would carry so much damaging trauma that would take time to heal but could still be healed. I just recently experienced joy and laughter I haven’t known in years and I didn’t know it was still possible. My entire life still happened, my cruelty still exists, my bitterness, rage and hurt can still inform my decisions and relationships, I have trauma that can’t be explained and there are people who think I am the one taking things too far or being too sensitive but I still crave soft things, soft love and a soft life. Life has taught me it’s not entirely possible but it’s not impossible. That is why I think Aemond could be a teddy bear for the right people, why I think he would make allowances for those he loves in private that would go against his public reputation and it’s why I think he deserves it. I don’t think he’s innocent and never will be, like I am not and will not be, but I don’t think he’s heartless either. Hurt people hurt people but almost every hurt can be healed.

Thank you so very much for sharing this, anon. 💜 I won't be able to address every point you brought up but I think my answer to the larger picture here may surprise you.

Also I have to add the PSA that therapy is wonderful and I see my therapist once or twice a month and have for years. Please continue to work on yourself if you have started because Aemond wasn't fortunate enough to have psychologists in Westeros (that's not a joke).

If the ask wasn't enough, here's a trigger warning: non-specific discussion of trauma and ptsd.

I have PTSD and see a lot of myself in Aemond, can empathize with him in many ways. I choose to indulge that part of the character that I relate to in my Helaemond fics. I can understand that what I want him to be isn't what he is as Ewan portrays him in the series. My Helaemond fics are a way for me to explore those aspects even if they aren't my actual headcanon. That is the space I use to write soft Aemond. I even go so far as to reframe his experience at the brothel so that Helaena is the only person Aemond has ever had sex with.

I understand how it feels to connect deeply with a character when they seem to represent me. However, in this example, I remember that I haven't had Aemond's experiences and he hasn't had mine. I do my absolute best to not project my life onto him. The main reason I bring up how I see that Aemond's softness is exaggerated by some fics and art is because I think it can be healthy to use fiction as an emotional exercise but not everyone is as self-aware as others and might not know that by crafting a canon character into what they need emotionally they are skewing the fandom toward something far from the mark. As an example, I am very self-aware that I might write a version of Aemond as self-soothing but I compartmentalize that in my Helaemond fics. Using fanfics or characters for self-soothing is normal. However, if that is what the creator is doing, self-soothing by sculpting Aemond into what they need him to be or by presenting a projection of themselves, how does it serve the fandom overall? Why not make an OC or label it as fanon?

I'm not going to get on my soap box about that because I want to address a couple more things about your ask. I find that people on Tumblr make a lot of assumptions based on one or two posts. If you haven't read Philosopher Prince (my Aemond x ofc fic) maybe you would enjoy it. He is a human, he has depth and feelings. I'm not being argumentative, I just don't honestly know where I have ever said (your words) "but I do have to disagree about him being incapable of being soft or wanting soft things." I have made a post about a canon statement that he doesn't give a shit about tourneys and answered an ask about his sexuality where I stated he wasn't soft. I think a large problem in this "debate" is that soft means something different to everyone. You have listed quite a few things that you find to be soft and that you want but some survivors of trauma are repulsed by that softness, by those same concepts or actions. I don't believe anyone has ever asked me, nor have a publicly written about, what softness Aemond is averse to in my headcanon.

So here's the other of the 'couple' things I want to wrap up with. For me, with my particular ptsd, soft means something completely different (I mean in my real life, nothing to do with Aemond) so if I were to project my idea of this softness onto him, of how I cope with my ptsd, no one would want to read my Aemond fics because they would be so far off the mark, they would seem ooc. (We have 'out of character' as an abbreviation so we can help readers understand we are changing aspects of the canon character.) However, I think many creators don't factor in the parts of Aemond's ptsd that make him into a badass. This isn't accusatory, as I've said some people write to self-sooth and that's okay. Perhaps some of the writers softening him don't have first hand experience with trauma or their trauma is different from Aemond's. But it is important to understand ptsd does not always make someone a wounded creature to be scooped up and nursed back to health with kindness and softness. Sometimes it makes them Vhagar.

[terminallybisexual]

tw // suicide mention

i fucking hate the saying “happiness is a choice” especially when i heard it as a 12 year old struggling with depression for (what i believed to be) no reason

but now that i’m older i hate it for a completely different reason. i think i understand the message behind it now but it is so poorly worded and places so much blame on the person struggling with depression that when my 12 year old self heard it, it made me completely reject any ideas that emphasize how much your perspective and attitude affect your quality of life

like i would hear people talk about changing your attitude or whatever and be like “that’s fucking stupid. i have depression i can’t help the way i think.” but like. i could. but i didn’t understand that because the way it was always framed was “you are choosing to be depressed. just stop being depressed.”

every time i have a self deprecating thought now, i immediately counter it with the opposite even if i don’t believe it. (ex: “i hate myself. no, i love myself.”) and it can be incredibly exhausting to argue with yourself all the time, especially when these types of thoughts are so constant and persistent. it’s not easy. but this has improved my life so fucking much its not even funny. it’s gotten to the point where sometimes when i’m in situations that are embarrassing or otherwise would trigger self deprecating thoughts, my immediate reaction is self love.

i did not even understand the extent to which my self deprecating thoughts were diminishing my quality of life. i did not understand how much my own thoughts were negatively affecting my life because it was just so normal to me. i used to have suicidal thoughts more times than i could count on a daily basis and even though they weren’t “serious” (as in i was not going to immediately act on them like 99% of the time), countering these thoughts has brought me so much peace. i can go a full day without any suicidal thoughts now. hell, i’ve probably gone at least a few days in a row without suicidal thoughts. that idea was truly incomprehensible to me a year ago.

i genuinely did not believe it was possible for me to be this mentally healthy. like i still have a lot of fucking work to do but it’s insane how much my life has improved. i can’t even put it into fucking words and it might seem stupid to other people but i’ve had an extremely low self esteem for as long as i can remember. i didn’t even think it was possible for me to change my self deprecating thoughts because i just viewed them as objectively true.

like, throughout middle school and high school, i would have full blown mental breakdowns almost every single day. hysterically sobbing and telling myself that i can’t handle life and i should just die, just to take a deep breath 20 min to a few hours later and pull myself together again. recently i legitimately believed that i had a mood disorder because i had absolutely no emotional regulation skills and i was basically living with my worst bully 24/7.

and i mean it took me years to get to this point. i’ve been arguing with my negative thoughts for a long time now but i didn’t always do it in a healthy way (ex. telling myself that my feelings are irrational and invalid and that i’m crazy for having emotions bc thats what i was told my entire life, essentially gaslighting myself). but since i started therapy again i started countering my negative thoughts more consistently and in more productive/healthy ways. and there’s a lot of other things i did to improve my mental health too but i truly believe that changing my thought patterns is possibly the most important/impactful change ive made.

there’s a lot in my life to be stressed about at the moment and i truly believe that if i didn’t implement these tactics into my life i would legitimately be in an inpatient program right now because i just wouldn’t be able to handle everything going on. but now, at least for the majority of the time, i am at peace. i’m not necessarily happy, i am just okay. possibly for the first time ever. and i know sometimes i still have my moments where i talk about wanting to die but everything is just so much easier now. those moments are more fleeting and i’m more capable of reeling those thoughts in early and preventing myself from completely spiraling. it’s just so fucking insane to me how much better i’m doing and i don’t think anyone i know will understand the extent of it because i don’t think anyone truly understood how bad it was in the first place. but it’s okay, i don’t need anyone else to be proud of me. i am so fucking proud of myself.

[the-type-a]

Get to know me!

Thanks for the tag @catastrophicmind and @duncans-unibrow !! 💜

I wasn’t expecting to answer all of these but tbh this makes it more fun lol

🖌 - Do you have/want any tattoos?

I have one tattoo on the right side of my waist. It’s of my zodiac sign in cursive writing and the symbol above it. I do want more though!

💚 - What’s your favourite colour?

Purple! 💜

🍕 - What’s the last thing you ate?

Pancakes, bacon, and eggs. It was at like 1am but I was literally starving so Marcus cooked it all.

🕰 - What time is it where you are rn?

1:21pm (coming back to update that it’s 2:02pm now and idk why it took me so long to finish this 💀)

🌟 - What is your zodiac sign?

I could tell you my whole chart, but I’ll just stick to my big three. I’m a Pisces sun, Virgo moon, and Leo rising!

🌍 - What is your favourite accent?

Honestly have no idea. I could say English because of Harry, Liam, Louis, and Zayn. I could say Irish because of Niall. Or I could say country because of Marcus. 😂

⚡️ - Do you have any scars?

Nope!

🌺 - What’s your MBTI type?

ESTJ ✨

🥀 - Favourite animated movie?

The Little Mermaid 🧜🏽‍♀️

📺 - Favourite show?

I have more than one: total drama, grey’s anatomy, friends, game of thrones, the umbrella academy, euphoria, that 70s show. There’s probably more that I’m blanking on right now too.

😂 - Are you ticklish?

Yes, and I will physically hurt you if you try to tickle me.

💍 - Do you ever want to get married?

Of course! Fun fact: I was supposed to get married in November of 2020 but then covid happened. NOW we’re trying to save up on our own because our families keep trying to take over. Still want a Fall wedding though 🫶🏼

😳 - Do you like your name?

I love it! When I was younger I hated it, I have no idea why.

💙 - What colour is your bedroom?

Cream, kinda boring lmao

🤓 - How did you get your name?

My mom loves reading the Bible, Saint books, and Angel books. She told me she always loved the archangel Gabriel, so there you have it! She also said she liked the nickname Gaby.

🎓 - When did/do you graduate?

Graduated college in 2020. Never had a graduation ceremony or anything. Thanks COVID.

🍄 - Do you have/want any piercings?

I’m Latina so you already know my ears have been pierced since I was 4 months old. Then when I was 17 I got my bellybutton pierced. Idk why but I did want to get my nips pierced lmao but not anymore. Sorry that might have been tmi.

👀 - What colour are your eyes?

Dark brown. They almost look black but in the sunlight you can see the brown come out.

👱🏻‍♀️ - What is your go to hairstyle?

Just straight down. I never really do anything with my hair unless I’m going out to a special occasion. My hair is also naturally straight so I’ll just wash it, brush it, and go.

🥂 - Have you ever drank underage?

Unfortunately I did succumb to peer pressure with this one. Although I did try (and throw it up) beer in high school, my freaking DAD gave me beer in my purple and yellow SIPPY-CUP when I was like five. Then you know, drinking in college. It was a “dry campus” even if you were 21+ and everyone hated that.

🍾 - Have you ever gotten drunk?

Again, unfortunately. I’ve only blacked out twice though.

😱 - What’s your biggest fear?

Don’t come for me… but I genuinely don’t have one. There are things I don’t necessarily like, but not to the point that I’m genuinely afraid and can’t function around it.

🥵 - Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

Too cold. I absolutely HATE being hot. It’s easier to warm up if I’m cold too.

🌦 - What’s your favourite weather?

Sunny with a light breeze. Nothing too hot and not cold enough to need a jacket. (I freaking hate jackets btw)

🍂 - What’s your favourite season?

Autumn!!! 🥰

🐷 - What’s your favourite animal?

Polar bears 🐻‍❄️

🐶 - Do you have any pets?

A dog and a cat! Ranger and Nala! 🐾

😴 - What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Maybe like 2 days? Not entirely sure but it’s around that.

🎨 - Any hobbies?

The gym, reading, writing, music, art.

🛩 - If travelling was free, where’s the first place you’d go?

Bora Bora!

🎇 - What’s your most searched thing on Google?

I always delete my Google search because I hate how cluttered it looks, sooooo idk what to tell you lol

📱 - Favourite app on your phone?

Tumblr, my beloved 💜

🤠 - Are you more of a city person or a country person?

100% a city girl! Born and raised in it, and when I tried to give the country a try I got extremely depressed.

Tagging: @aprincessnotaqueen @art-by-mira @courtneyenthusiast @doitcody @elskamo @hollowboobtheory @marshunter06 @ragamuffin-bites @sentimentalslut @straighttxhell @sugarlesswriting @unawarer @withjust-a-bite @xwhatababex

[childeaether]

venus.

cw: 18+ only, xiao/f!reader, law school au, enemies to lovers, rough sex, dumbification, degradation

wc: 2.5k

it was getting late. well, it got late about two hours ago. now midnight was approaching at an annoyingly fast rate. you were exhausted, xiao was irritable, and the report was nowhere near done. it was a miracle that no one had come by to lock up the study room for the night.

“this case doesn’t make any sense,” you griped, typing aggressively on your laptop. xiao sighed.

“you’ve said that three times in the last thirty minutes. i get it,” he said flatly. you shot him a look. your professor had to be some kind of sadist. you and xiao had hated each other since the first day of class. rarely did a lecture go by without the two of you arguing- whether it was about law or the color of the sky.

“read this,” you said, turning your laptop towards him. his eyes narrowed as he read over the report, which you’d rewritten twice now. he shook his head as he approached the end.

“your reasoning doesn’t make any sense. you’re just mentioning another case to make the holes in your argument look smaller,” he said. “and the fuck does the implied powers have to do with anything?”

you snatched your laptop back. “at least i’m putting ideas out there. you’ve been rereading it for, like, forty five minutes.”

he rolled his eyes. “right. why analyze the case to further understand it when you could just spew bullshit and pray something is right?”

you groaned in frustration. “this case is at least a century old. you’re not supposed to ‘further understand it.’ the whole point of the assignment is torture us mentally.”

“the whole point of the assignment is to challenge us,” he shot back, “something you will have to get used to if you want a fucking law career.”

you slammed your laptop shut. “i get it, you think i’m stupid-”

“i don’t think you’re stupid, i think you’re fucking lazy.”

you snorted, but there was no humor in it. “i’m lazy, but you haven’t written shit. got it.”

he stood. “listen, i’m sorry that you weren’t paired with your little boyfriend, but-”

“my little boyfriend?” you said, incredulous. “what are you even talking about?” you got to your feet, too. the two of you were ticking time bombs, trapped in each other’s space. as always.

“that ginger you sit next to. don’t act like i’m wrong,” he snapped, “you two are so fucking obvious.”

you laughed in disbelief. “jesus christ, you are such an asshole. his name is childe. you’ve known him an entire semester-”

xiao cut you off, “you’re unbearable around him. that stupid high pitched giggle you do? it gives me a fucking headache-”

“laughing at his jokes means i’m fucking him?” you didn’t even realize that you’d raised your voice.

“you dumb yourself down for him,” xiao said. “it’s infuriating. you can have anyone you want, why do you settle for that moron?”

“i’m not settling for him,” you hissed, “i don’t even talk to him outside of class! and so what if i fucking was? god forbid someone likes me, right? just because you hate me doesn’t mean the rest of the world does.”

something in his eyes changed. you suddenly realized how close your faces were. you must’ve gotten closer as your tempers escalated.

“you are stupid,” he said, softly. before your rage took hold, he continued, “i.. don’t hate you.”

you scoffed. “yeah, right,” you said, starting to back away. his hand caught your shoulder, gentle but firm. the earth stopped turning. he’d never looked at you like this before. like you were more than a nuisance. much more.

it clicked. oh.

“what did you mean by.. what you said a second ago?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “that i.. can ‘have anyone i want?’” your heart was beating fast, and it wasn’t caused by rage, this time.

for a moment, xiao looked vulnerable. “we don’t have to talk about this,” he whispered. “i know that we argue a lot, and i know that i can be a dick, but- i don’t hate you. i don’t.”

your heart was caught in your throat. “how do you feel about me?” you breathed.

his cheeks reddened. he clearly wasn’t used to being emotionally vulnerable, especially in front of you. “it’s complicated,” he said. “it’s not necessarily how i feel about you, but how you make me feel.”

a small smile creeped onto your lips. “well.. what are you involuntarily feeling?”

your smile seemed to relax him, if only slightly. he sighed. “i’ve been asking myself the same question for months. i mean, you always annoyed me- especially in the beginning. but, as time went on, i don’t know.. i started noticing little things.

“like the look in your eye when you’re winning an argument. or the one when you’re losing. how you bite your lip when you’re focused on something..” he trailed off. he looked up, finally meeting your eyes.

“like i said, it’s complicated,” he murmured. “but whatever i was feeling was.. warm. pleasant, even if i didn’t want it to be. then, you started hanging out with that childe guy, and these feelings went from warm to… hot. like a, a burning sensation, in my chest.”

just thinking about it seemed to frustrate him. “he made you laugh. you didn’t look at him like you wanted to kill him. i mean, you liked him. and i couldn’t stand it, because-”

he cut himself off, trying to muster up the courage to say whatever was about to come next. “i couldn’t stand that you would never see me the way you saw him.” his breathing was shaky. it made your heart ache.

your faces were so close.

“it drives me insane,” he continued. “you drive me insane. and i just want to-”

you cut him off, capturing his lips in a desperate, long-awaited kiss. he jumped at first, shocked, but melted into it before too long. his hands found themselves on your hips, gripping them firmly. pulling you closer to him. you tangled your fingers in his hair, relishing in the deep groan that escapes him when you tug on the strands.

he bit your lip as he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. you whined and gasped for breath. you brought a hand to his cheek, brushing a piece of hair behind his ear. “you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that,” you whispered. his fingers dug into your waist.

“you’re not fucking childe?” he said. god, his eyes.

you shook your head.

“good.”

just like that, he was on you again. the kiss was rougher this time, hotter. teeth nipped at lips, tongues prodded at one another, hands made their way up your shirt. xiao pulled away briefly to remove it. he pushed you up against the desk as his lips chased yours once again. you had no objections, dizzy with lust.

he shoved a thigh between your legs and you moaned as he pressed it against you.

“god, look at you,” he whispered, his teeth against your neck. he moved his thigh, and you couldn’t stop your hips from grinding against it. there was an almost sinister look in his eye. it was sadistic, but adoring. your heart was fluttering in your chest.

“aw, baby,” he cooed, “i’ve hardly touched you. do you really need it that bad?” that condescending tone did something to you. a familiar fog was starting to form in your head. “i guess i should’ve seen this coming. smart girls like you love to be turned into dumb sluts in bed, right?”

a shiver ran down your spine. before you could respond, he moved his ground his thigh against you. an embarrassingly high pitched noise escaped your throat. “yeah, that’s what i thought,” xiao teased, sinking his teeth into your collarbone. your nails dug into his shoulder.

suddenly, he pulled away. you whined pitifully at the loss of contact, but the disappointment didn’t last long. your heart skipped a beat as you realized xiao had pulled away to take off his belt. that fog was getting hard to ignore.

he noticed you staring. “bend over the desk,” he commanded, “and hike up your skirt for me.”

as if your panties weren’t soaked enough before.

nervously, you bent yourself over the desk and pulled your skirt up, exposing the silk panties you had on underneath. they were genuinely comfortable. xiao picked a good day to confess.

you heard him inhale sharply behind you, taking you in. “fuck,” he whispered, running a hand up your thigh. you couldn’t help but squirm. “you’re already so wet i can see it through your panties. does it turn you on when i tell you what to do?”

two fingers traced the outline of your pussy over your panties. “or maybe it was the ‘dumb slut’ part, hmm?”

you moaned helplessly, wriggling your hips. “xiao, please,” you begged, “hurry up, i- i want it.”

“be patient,” he replied. you felt lips press against your inner thigh. your skin felt like it was on fire, his lips burning a trail everywhere they touched. you whimpered and squirmed, desperate.

“please, just- fucking get on with it,” you cried. your cunt was aching. you’d imagined xiao fucking you on shameful, lonely nights. especially on days like this, when the two of you had been at each other’s throats. and now it was here. real.

“god, please-”

“shut the fuck up, slut, or i’ll rip these panties off and gag you with them,” he growled. the fog won. you felt yourself melt into the desk, into submission. your hips stilled, and you bit your lip to keep from whining. every second that passed felt like a lifetime.

finally, he pulled your panties down, exposing your dripping sex. you gasped at the sensation of cold air against you. it only made you feel hotter.

he ran his middle and index finger up and down your folds, maddeningly slow. god, it was hard to keep quiet. you could hardly think about anything but xiao, xiao’s fingers, xiao’s dick.

you couldn’t stop yourself from moaning out loud when his fingers began to circle your clit. they were slow and gentle; you needed them to be more.

“you’re so beautiful,” xiao whispered. you hung on to his every word. “i want to take my time with you, and i promise i will, later.. but right now, i can’t help myself.” he took your wrists into one hand, holding them behind your back. he leaned forward, his lips brushing against your ear as he continued, “i’m going to fuck you senseless.”

you cried out as he plunged two fingers inside you, thrusting in and out roughly. it was a relief, but it wasn’t enough. you tried to grind your hips onto his fingers to no avail. “and you’re going to take what i give you, aren’t you, baby?” he said, kissing a particularly sensitive spot behind your ear.

“because you’re my good, stupid slut.” he added a third finger and curled them inside you, finally hitting the sweet spot he’d been searching for. you let out a low moan at the sensation. “you think you’re so smart, but look at you. trying to fuck yourself on my fingers. if i’d known this is all it takes to shut you up, i would’ve done this a long time ago.”

you mumbled out a pathetic, incoherent moan. you couldn’t even argue with him, you were so desperate.

“it’s okay, pretty girl,” he whispered. “i’ve got you. i’ll give you what you want. you just have to ask.”

you knew what that meant. “please,” you begged, “please- fuck me, xiao! i want it so bad, i’m so..” you trailed off, trying to hang on to your train of thought as he twisted his fingers inside you. your sentence became a string of incoherent please’s.

luckily for you, xiao was nearing the limit of his control. “good girl,” he said. you heard shuffling behind you as he positioned himself, the tip of his cock pressing against the entrance to your cunt. his grip on your wrists tightened. “take a deep breath, baby.”

he thrust his hips forward and finally, he was inside you. it stung at first, but you adjusted quickly. when he felt you relax, he pulled your wrists toward him, using them as leverage to better fuck into you.

“oh, thank you, thankyouthankyouthankyou,” you moaned, relishing in the feeling of him brushing against your g-spot. every thrust had you seeing stars.

“fuck, you feel so good,” xiao hissed, picking up the pace. he pressed kisses down your spine. “so pretty, such a good girl. you like being fucked rough like this, baby? is this what you needed?”

you let out another string of whimpers, nodding desperately. “it’s so good,” you slurred, “i’m close.”

he released your wrists to grab your forearm, pulling you up, against his chest. this angle was somehow better than the last, directly targeting that sweet spot he’d only been brushing before. “oh, yes! right there!” you cried.

xiao let out a growl, fucking you harder than before. “that’s right, you stupid slut. fucking take it,” he snarled, biting into your neck. “you wanna cum?”

you nodded feverishly, no longer bothering to quiet the little noises he forced out of you with each thrust. “yes, god, please,” you begged, tears beginning to form in your eyes.

he suddenly pulled out and flipped you onto your back, thrusting inside you again without missing a beat. you grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to stay grounded. “tell me what you are,” he said, hardly louder than a whisper.

your cheeks were burning. you knew what he meant. in any other circumstance, you would’ve fought him on it, or at least tried to. but you’d never had dick this good in your life. you weren’t about to disobey him.

a thumb hovered above your clit. “tell me what you are,” he repeated, his gaze unwavering. you couldn’t resist him if you tried.

“i’m a dumb slut!” you cried, tears running freely now. he brought his thumb down, rubbing in time with his quick, rough thrusts. your eyes rolled back as you came, cunt clenching down desperately, legs shaking around his waist.

xiao was quick to follow, cumming inside you with a low, gravelly groan as he pulled your hips against him. you whined at the feeling.

as he came down, he pressed his lips to yours again, much gentler than he had earlier. you kissed him back, slowly gathering your bearings.

when you pull away, he peppers your cheeks with light kisses. “you were so good,” he whispered, “so good for me.” you hummed happily, capturing his lips once more.

he pulled out of you, much to your dismay. before you could demand another round, you were hit with a sudden realization. “oh, fuck,” you said, frantically pulling your shirt over your head.

his eyes widened and he put a hand on your arm. “what is it? what’s wrong?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned. it was a cute look on him.

“the fucking case report,” you grumbled.

he grinned and gently tugged you back to his chest. “don’t worry. i can fix your half in, like, thirty minutes.”

you shot him an annoyed but amused look. “you’re an asshole,” you said. he pressed a kiss to your nose.

“you love it,” he replied.

and you did.

[persephones-wren]

hii love, love your fics so I just had to request again! Could request a Kaz andd reader where he says something mean to her without meaning it but shes really sad an stattes crying to jesper and he gets angry and tells Kaz to apologise? Angst with a happy ending,please!! Thanks a ton darling💗💗

Forgiveness (Kaz Brekker x Reader)

thank you for requesting again! school has been kicking my ass, so sorry for how long writing this took, but I hope you like it! :)

Warnings: mentions of catcalling, (small) injury, idk?

Genre: angst to fluff

Word Count: 1910

To say you’ve had a shitty day would’ve been an understatement.

Heading to the White Rose to see Nina, you’d been catcalled multiple times. Maybe you were being dramatic, but the comments felt more scathing than usual, and it had gotten under your skin quicker than you thought it would. You didn’t want to use Kaz’s reputation to scare them off, but it wouldn’t have mattered. You’d still be viewed as a possession, just one that didn’t belong to them.

You had snapped at the last stranger who’d given their perverse ideals of you, and that altercation had left you a lovely slash on your arm from defending yourself. You had temporarily wrapped it up on a scarf, but you knew you would probably have to wrap it with gauze on it when you returned.

When you had asked the clerk where Nina was, he said that he’d seen her leave, but she said nothing to him. Which meant the entire journey here was a waste, and that you’d have to head home without her guaranteed cooperation with the plan your boyfriend was creating.

“Kaz, she’s not there. Clerk said she went out, but he didn’t get where. It was a waste of a trip,” you sigh, throwing down your cloak on a random chair.

Kaz sighs, lowering his head as he writes out another part of the plan. “Really, Y/N? You couldn’t go out and look for her? She told us a couple days ago that she was going to start taking trips to the market at this time. You could’ve found her there.”

“I’m sorry?” you scoff quietly, but try to adjust your tone at the icy stare he gives you. You could’ve said that nicer, sure. “I didn’t think to look for her there because I didn’t know that, Kaz. Are you sure she told us that?”

“Yes, she did. Were you not paying attention?”

“I don’t think I was there,” you refute. “I would’ve remembered if she told me.”

“I don’t have time to talk to people who can’t do their jobs,” he mutters. “Just get out and waste time for now. Let me finish what I’m working on and we’ll find her together later.”

“The hell you mean I can’t do my job?” you protest. “I did what you asked. I went to go look for her, and she wasn’t there. I thought your instructions were not to stray from my path, because you wanted me home quickly and safely.”

“If you had any shred of common sense, then you’d know that I’d only say that because I’m supposed to care about you. I’d take information over your safety.”

You still. What?

He’s supposed to care about you? Does that imply he doesn’t? He would take information over your safety.

Does he want to break up?

Stop being dramatic. Kaz doesn’t play implication games with something like that. He’d tell you outright.

But he wouldn’t care for you if he got what he wanted.

“I-um, oh,” you take a shuddery breath. Your chest feels tight and your eyes are going to water. Kaz hates dealing with over-emotional people. He needs people who can keep their cool, people who can think their way out of things. You need to get out of here before he looks up at you. You’re useless, you’re an idiot, no wonder he said you couldn’t do your job properly.

Too late. He looks up at you, frowning at your silence, but you quickly turn away, still trying to hide your face.

You laugh, and even you can tell that it’s not genuine, just an attempt at trying to hide your wavering voice. “I’m fine, Kaz. Uh- yeah, yeah! We’ll go out later and-” your throat catches as you swallow harshly. “We’ll go out and look for Nina later. See you then.” You quickly brush your tears out of the way, opening the door and stepping out.

Your steps echo down the hall, and you try and find your way to your room through the tears that now stream down your face.

I’d take information over your safety.

You still don’t know if he means it. He’s angry, but- Kaz was usually extremely candid when he was upset.

He might’ve meant every word.

You don’t notice Jes in front of you, and as you pass him, he catches your arm.

You wince, his fingers land right on the slash, and he hastily lets go, looking at you with concern. Everyone was usually about as emotional as a rock in the Barrel. What made you cry like that?

“Y/N, you okay? What happened? Why did you flinch from me? Did I do something wrong?”

His face resembles a kicked puppy, and your heart constricts with slight guilt.

“No, no- it’s not your fault, Jes- your fingers landed right on a slash I got, that’s all.”

He looks at his hands, covered in slight blood. You tug at your soaked-through scarf and look at it, and it looks even worse than when you first got it. Your grimace. So much for getting him to worry less about you. “It looks a lot worse than it actually is.” Your words are frantic and stuttered, but you hope he gets the point.

“How did that happen? I thought with Kaz’s reputation, you would be untouchable. Why isn’t he taking care of you?”

You smile sadly. The mention of Kaz tightens your chest again.  “Guy scrapped with me for a little while after catcalling me. I didn’t want to use Kaz to defend myself- me, with him? He’d be even more of a target. And Kaz is a bit upset with me right now. He doesn’t know what happened.”

“Why the hell would he be upset?”

“I didn’t get the information he wanted,” your voice is small and weak. “And he said he’d rather have the information more than my safety.”

“Which is why you’re crying.” Jes’s face has a look of understanding.

“Yes,” you affirm quietly. “Today’s just been a bad day. I’ll be alright, though, really. I know Kaz doesn’t like dealing with weak people, so I thought I wouldn’t bother-”

“You’re not weak.” His voice gains a complete new edge, and his face is determined. You suddenly get a bad feeling. What’s Jes going to suggest you do? “We’re going to go confront him. Right now.”

“Jes, I look like I’ve been crying. I’d at least like to compose myself a bit.”

“No.” He makes sure he’s grabbing your other arm, before leading you back to Kaz’s office. “He needs to know how much he’s fucked up. He’s smart, but really,” Jesper sighs, “He’s an idiot. And you deserve better than that.”

Your heart warms at his words, but you’re still nervous as he leads you down the hall, and you’re definitely panicking when he opens the door without knocking.

Kaz looks up, and a brief look of surprise is in his eyes as he looks at Jesper. Why didn’t Jesper knock? And why would Jes need him, especially at midday? Wouldn’t he be out gambling?

Kaz prepares himself to hear something stupid. He doesn’t notice you standing behind him, and his attention drifts back down to his plan.

“What do you need?”

“Apologize.”

“For?”

“For being a bloody idiot and hurting your girlfriend.”

Hurting you? He looks back up to him, and this time, you’re standing next to Jesper.

“I didn’t-” Kaz starts, but your appearance makes him go silent.

Your expression is blank, but tear streaks clearly stain your face, and you clearly look like you don’t want to be confronting him. Jesper had put you up to this.

Were you too afraid of him to do it yourself?

What did he do for you to look like that?

“You didn’t do anything?” Jesper’s voice is incredulous. “She went to the White Rose to try and find Nina, and then you come home and treat her like she’s useless because she doesn’t get what you want. She’s your girlfriend, not a goon. Have some respect for her, yeah? She followed exactly what you said, to try and get home quickly and safely, and even then, she still gets hurt. Did you even notice the bleeding gash?”

“Jes,” you whisper, “it’s fine, really-”

He doesn’t listen, and grabs at your wrist to lift your arm, pulling down the scarf and revealing the bloody cut. Kaz blinks, concern and guilt briefly flashing on his face before he smooths back his expression.

How didn’t he notice? How did that happen?

“Y’know how she got that? Men were harassing her, and she fought one of them because she didn’t want to use your name as her shield. She was trying to prevent painting an even bigger target on your back. And then you go as far,” Jes laughs angrily, “as to say that she’s not worth more than information for your fucking plan? And through all of that, she leaves you alone because she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience to you. Your girlfriend thinks her emotions are burdening you. Get your fucking head out of your ass. Either you apologize to her, or she’s breaking up with you.”

You and Kaz are both left standing still, both watching as Jesper stalks back toward the door, opening it and slamming it shut.

The sound echoes through the silent room.

You don’t know what to say. Part of you feels vindicated, Jesper did the hard part for you, but part of you feels guilty- Jesper also made it a lot bigger than it could’ve been.

You let the guilt win out.

“I’m sorry, Jes’s wording was a bit harsh, I’ll take my leave, it’s really not that big-”

“Stay,” Kaz interrupts. “Please.”

You sit down on the chair next to his, and he turns to you, pulling out gauze and alcohol wipes.

“I can do it myself,” you say hurriedly. “I know-”

“You’re not a burden to me.” He avoids your gaze, he doesn’t want to see your reaction, in case he really would lose you after this. “Let me help you.”

“Okay.”

You hiss through your teeth as he cleans the gash, a small “sorry” escaping him as he continues. There’s still a silence hanging between both of you. He wraps it carefully, looking up at you when he’s done.

“Not too tight?”

“No,” you answer quietly. “Thank you, Kaz.”

There’s another silence between you.

“I care about you,” he says suddenly. “I wouldn’t trade your safety for anything.”

You know it’s his way of saying sorry.

“It’s okay,” you give a reassuring smile. “I know. I’ve just had a bad day, that’s all.”

“It’s not,” he argues. “If you ever need to defend yourself, use my name if it’ll get them to stop. I don’t care if it paints whatever sized target on my back.” You open your mouth to interject, but he continues. “I’m already a wanted criminal in Ketterdam. However much you increase the target by doesn’t matter, so long as you come home alright.”

“Okay,” you nod. “I will.”

“I love you, darling.”

Your eyes widen at his words. He doesn’t say it often, he knows that you already know that.

Jesper must’ve really shaken him.

“I love you too,” you reply softly. “Thank you.”

It’s his turn to look surprised. “For?”

“For caring,” you respond. “For being you. For loving me.”

A faint smile etches on his lips. “I always will.”