#I’ve clearly had enough but also. I need more 😔 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theshelbyslimited · 2 years ago

Note

i did not mean for this to turn into a whole commentary but it did so w/o my realization until i'd fully completed reading the fic again so apologizes for how long this is 🙈

“There was just something about them that drew you in like a moth to a flame.” This line regarding the family is so true bc there really is just something about them that keeps one so intoxicated and enamoured w them 🥺

“You had let yourself get your hopes up more and more, having fallen deeper and deeper in love with him. But like all good things, it had come to an end. He no longer came to visit you, he was back to being his cold and distant self.” This part is so painful, yet it speaks so truthfully of Tommy’s character; to allow himself to be vulnerable and open w someone, only to detach himself from them and go back to acting as if they’re simply strangers again😔

“All I am saying is that I know what it is like to keep everyone shut out. It keeps you unpredictable and dangerous, yes, but it also keeps you lonely. It is incredibly hard not having anyone to rely on. And you do, Tommy. If you would only let them in.” this whole conversation is written so brilliantly, and I wish I possessed the right words to truly articulate how much I love and appreciate it. I also love Y/N for being honest w Tommy, rather than telling him what he’d ‘like’ to hear 🙌🏾

“Because I want you to be safe and I will sleep better seeing you safe at home and not just assuming.” I mean, this man can be so caring when he wants to be 🥺

“Because I tried to get you from my mind. I don’t want to care about you. I wanted to get you out of my head and tried to ignore you in hopes I could forget you. But I couldn't.” AKAJSJLAJ FINALLY!!! THE CONFESSION I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR 😭🙌🏾

“I am not too sure Tommy cares what I do at the moment. As long as I am not hanging out with any Italians, I don’t cross his mind.” Poor Y/N, Tommy really is such a hot/cold person that I can imagine one would often feel ‘neglected’ when it comes to a relationship with him 😔

“No Tommy, I loved being involved with you, when you let me in. I loved when you would tell me your plans, but now you can’t stand to be in the same room, even now you are agitated and you know that I know you well enough to pick up on it. So to save you from my presence which clearly agitates you to no end, you either tell me what you got planned or again, you can just fuck off.” THAT’S A GIRL, GO OFF MISS Y/N!!! 🙌🏾 this conversation is making me realize how disconnected and out of touch Tommy seems to be though, the fact he didn’t even realize how much hurt and pain he was inflicting on Y/N with his cold shoulder 🙈

“I know that something is going on, something you refuse to tell me. I accept that you will never want me as close to you as I want to be, and I know that you need me here for some reason. And I will always help you, I will be here and play whatever part I am supposed to play, but please.” “Whatever you want to say, don’t. I can barely survive now and I don’t know if I can even make it through the night. I am putting on a smile and doing whatever female bull shit you need me to, but if I have to hear anything else I will break. I can’t do it, I am not as strong as you think I am. I can’t hear how you feel bad, love me, or worse, you don’t have any sweet nothings to say to me, just business as always. I can’t bear it.” I JUST WANT TO HUG POOR Y/N HONESTLY, my heart hurts so bad for her 😭

“Sorry love, but I did tell Tommy to at least tell you that he didn’t mean to break your heart and that it was all planned and-” UMM…WHAT?!??!?!

“No more fucking around. I love you with all of my heart Y/N. I only broke your heart because Changretta threatened you. Believe me when I did my best to ensure you were safe but there were a lot of things going on. He wanted me to hurt you or he would. And I knew he could do it. I haven’t been that out of control and he knew exactly how to get to me. The only way to keep you safe was to make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. It killed me to do it. I hate myself every second of every day for it but it was the only way. I am so sorry.” OH. well, I take by all the words I said regarding Tommy being trash (although he can be such a dick sometimes let’s be honest) 🤭

“But I was neither, not really. He didn’t have to kill me. You did” I’m empathize w Y/N so much bc although Tommy technically broke her heart for a ‘good’ reason, to not inform of why you had to do so beforehand obviously had her thinking that he was doing it bc he was genuinely falling out of love with her 😭

“You say you will change, but you say that each time. You go back to old habits once another threat is made known. And there are a lot of threats. You don’t let anyone in, you never did and I think you never will. If you love me, treat me like it. You tell everyone, even Finn who is too young, but you won’t, you can’t, let me in. Maybe we are better off apart.” I hate how much I understand Y/N’s perspective here bc someone can only promise that they’ll change so many times w/o doing so before you just inevitably give up hope on it happening 😭

“Here’s the thing, Tommy. I love you with every fiber of my being. That will never change. But I can’t, I won’t do that again. I deserve better.” DAMN RIGHT YOU DESERVE BETTER 🙌🏾

“You tell me everything I want to know. You cannot leave anything out. You will start trusting me with the business. You are not protecting me by keeping it from me. I am your partner. We are in this together. I know it is hard for you, but this is the real deal, it’s you and me, not just you. As soon as you decide no longer, then that is it. And I mean it.” “Deal. Whatever you want. I will do better, I can do better, and you deserve everything.” YOU GODDAMN BETTER SIR OR I WILL BE CUTTING YOU A SMILE 😡🤣

This fic had me going through all the emotions, I felt so much of Y/N’s pain throughout and although I’m glad things worked out for her and Tommy in the end, our girl still deserves better!!! This was so brilliantly written though and you had me feeling all the heartache of the fic through the words of it. I loved Y/N and Lizzie’s friendship so much, not only bc they obviously had similarities in life but bc their personalities just meshed together so well. Such an amazing fic this was with the right amount of both fluff and angst 🙌🏾

Hi!! I thought up my request (I think I’m pretty bad at these things, so you’ll have to bear with me haha 😅)

Would you be able to write a Tommy x reader where the reader lives in Small Heath during the time of the vendetta with the Italians and she somehow gets mixed up with both him and it (it being the duel between the two families)

If you don’t feel comfortable with this, I 100% understand...I just wanted to give it a shot, as you’re an amazing writer. Thanks so much in advance if you decide to take it on! ☺️💕

Hi Love!

I am SO sorry for how long this took! I wanted to make sure it was somewhat decent, and it took me awhile to write it. No excuse except that I have been crazy busy! But who isn’t?

Anyway, here it is, I hope it was worth the wait! Thank you so much for the request I enjoyed writing for Tommy more than I thought I would! Hopefully this is what you wanted!

taglist: @lyarr24 @epicwaterlemon

Stronger Together

You had lived in Small Heath your whole life so it is no surprise the Shelby name was all around you. You even were able to step up in the world by taking over Grace’s spot in the Garrison once that situation occurred. But before then you had not been doing well, taking odd jobs here and there; anything to prevent becoming what your mother and best friend Lizzie were. It was hard but you had managed it. You knew Lizzie since you were little, your mothers being ‘colleagues’ and you were there when she warmed Tommy’s bed, when John proposed, and when Tommy ruined that. You hadn’t met any Shelby’s personally, trying to stay low on any radar, but since you decided it was a good idea to become the next Grace in the Garrison, you had immediately met everyone and somehow managed to stay on payroll. You had tried to keep your past a secret but the Shelbys being who they are and especially coming off the Grace fiasco you knew they must know who, what, your mother was before she died. They were nice enough not to bring it up and you never offered. For all the Shelby’s were, you appreciated that they didn’t judge a person based on their past. In fact it had been Lizzie who encouraged you to take the job, having stayed close to the Shelbys. She was the one who had told you Grace tried to reach out and Tommy wanting nothing to do with her. He couldn’t trust her and trust was the most important thing. It was the number one rule that made the company work.

You had gotten to know Arthur and John well, Esme feeling like she could talk to you openly too which you appreciated. You had killed Polly with kindness and she eventually trusted you. It didn’t hurt that she was the first person you personally told your story to. With her hating Grace you knew it was best to come clean. Women are underestimated in what they can do and you knew if anyone were to find out it would be her. So you decided to beat her to it and sat her down one day and told her without apology, your background. You knew she respected you for it and from then on you knew she liked you and was on your side. You had managed to become almost as close as Lizzie to everyone, but it wasn’t hard when you poured the booze. However, Tommy was always distant. You took it personally until you realized you really were the new Grace and figured out that he was hesitant to trust anyone. You knew he trusted you enough to work there but you resigned yourself to the fact that you would never be close. It was okay with you since you really had no intention of being more of anything with him. Sure he was attractive, smart, loyal to a fault, and sexy as hell, but it didn’t matter if he somehow always managed to never leave your mind no matter how hard you tried you knew you never stood a chance. Lizzie had said she was over him and you knew her well enough to know whatever history they had, they were just friends and nothing more. So on those lonely nights when Tommy took over your mind, you knew she would never add to the endless reasons why it would never work out between you two. Little did you know that he noticed you more than you thought…

The Russians had come into town and being in a prime position in the Garrison, you had heard a lot of information that no one would assume you would hear. The first time you had heard more about the priest you had told Polly one night when she was around, waiting for the boys to finally finish their business as it was brothers talking and nothing she wanted to be a part of. You had subtly given the information to her and she had told Tommy. You knew they appreciated the information and you became more bold in your telling them information. No one had asked it of you, and you didn’t know if it was because they didn’t want to involve you, they didn’t trust you, or you had kept yourself so far off the radar but it didn’t matter. You knew that you could trust them and that for all their faults they really tried to do the best they could. Especially with their legitimate business being successful at this point. There was just something about them that drew you in like a moth to a flame.

After a while you had gotten really good at passing information and a good system was in place, though you hardly ever gave information to Tommy. It was usually to John or Arthur and they passed it on. But they also frequented the Garrison more than their brother yet he was the one you looked forward to seeing. You knew Tommy was standoffish and didn’t let many people in, but that changed when you were the one who somehow, by some gypsy miracle, that Tommy had ended up in the hospital. You knew something was off and you didn’t know what but you knew you had to make sure Tommy was okay. You knew he lived recklessly and ultimately it would be his undoing but devil be damned, you wouldn’t let him die and you found him in the hospital. That was the day it all changed between you. He was so vulnerable and he needed you and you would die before you abandoned him. You helped him get home and though not much was said, at least on his side, you mostly saying as many comforting words as you could, you knew something had shifted. You were now on Thomas Shelby's radar and nothing would change that. And that was okay.

Once the Russian business was concluded, Tommy was still reckless but he would come visit the Garrison more often, and he even would have conversations with you. They started off stiff and cold, but slowly they became warm and you realized that it was no longer your imagination; Tommy sought you out and seemed much more vulnerable around you. Maybe it was because you practically saved his life getting him out of the hospital, but you assumed he would shut you out again. But the opposite happened and you lived for the nights he would talk to you or have you join him and him alone in the private room to just talk. He eventually told you about his mother and father, how France had changed him, and how truly hard this job was for him. He didn’t always say things explicitly but you learned to speak his language and understood everything he wasn’t saying. You had let yourself get your hopes up more and more, having fallen deeper and deeper in love with him. But like all good things, it had come to an end. He no longer came to visit you, he was back to being his cold and distant self. It hurt and you wanted to know why, but Polly just said that is how he is and that it wasn’t anything you had done and he would wise up soon. But you couldn’t tell if she was saying that for your sake or for hers. But you tried not to let it affect you. You were a survivor and with or without Tommy, you had to take care of yourself. So you focused on Lizzie and her new relationship.

“Hi Lizzie, how are you?” You had met her outside the betting shop where she helped Tommy work as a secretary, he still liked to be there where his roots were.

“Hi Y/N” She smiled at you.

“And what has got you smiling so much?” You teased her, knowing exactly what, or who, it was.

“Oh shut it.” She blushed.

“Going to meet your new man?”

“And what of it?” She said, teasingly defensive.

“I bet he is just an Angel, making you smile like a girl in love.” She laughed at your joke.

“An Angel he is. But I have to say, he is different than I expected. He is kind to me, and really cares what I have to say. He doesn’t care about my previous employment..” She trailed off. You both understood the stigma, her even more so.

“And he shouldn’t” You said firmly. “Besides, he probably cares more about your current employment. Lizzie I am so happy for you, you know that but a Changretta? And working for the blinders? It’s a dangerous game. You can’t play both sides.”

“I am not playing anyone.” She got defensive. “I am loyal to Tommy but I like Angel.”

“I am not trying to cause problems here Lizzie, truly, but at some point you are going to have to choose sides. Are you prepared for that?” She paused. “I love you Lizzie, you are like a sister to me, I just want you to be smart and more importantly safe. I can’t help it, you know how us brothel girls have to stick together.” She gave you a pained smile. That was a derogatory term you’d heard countless times but it became a phrase of strength for you both. It was your past and you did what you had to survive. It meant you were strong. You wished her luck and let her go meet Angel. You walked inside almost running into Tommy coming out of his office.

“Y/N, come in.” He turned back into his office and you knew it was a command. You fought the urge to roll your eyes. He was always so intense and you didn’t understand why he never seemed to like you.

“What can I do for you?” You asked as nicely as possible. He had sat down and kept eye contact.

“You can tell me where your friend is going.” You snapped your head.

“Your EMPLOYEE left for the day. What she does after work is her business.” You emphasized, your internalized reaction was to protect her. He didn’t react, just stared at you.

“This isn’t like other businesses. Just because you leave work doesn’t mean you are off duty.”

“I know that well.” You kept his glare. You didn’t want to be intimidated by this man. You knew where he was coming from but you weren’t going to make it easy. He could pretend to have more tact.

“I know you do.” You were surprised at his admission and apparently you showed it because he smirked and went to light a cigarette.

“You do?” You tried to keep the surprise out of your voice.

“Yes, Y/N.” He sighed. “I know you are responsible for a lot of information we receive. And I am thankful for it.” Now you were really surprised.

“Interesting.” You said and folded your arms. “You have quite the way of showing it.” His lip curled almost imperceptibly.

“I am not a man who has his heart on his sleeves. If you want that you should go to my brother John. Or Arthur for that matter.” It was your turn to smirk.

“Don’t I know it. But you should know Tommy, a little sincerity goes a long way.” He turned his head slightly.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I am sure you will. Then it will quickly leave and you won’t change.”

“Am I so bad how I am?” You knew he was asking more than this and you knew you could be honest. Besides, honesty is always best and when would you have another chance?

“No, Tommy, you are not. In fact I am sure it helps your cause, never showing what you are thinking, always being one step ahead of everyone, never letting anyone get close. Believe me if anyone understands, I do.” He just kept looking at you with those beautiful blue eyes.

“But,” and with the word he took another drag from his cigarette. “Just because it works, doesn’t mean it is the best. Maybe it works for your cause, but does it work for you?” He slightly squinted his eyes. You hadn’t realized how subtle his reactions were but they told more than any expressive motion could.

“All I am saying is that I know what it is like to keep everyone shut out. It keeps you unpredictable and dangerous, yes, but it also keeps you lonely. It is incredibly hard not having anyone to rely on. And you do, Tommy. If you would only let them in.” You didn’t know if you had said too much and he was silent for longer than you would have liked.

“And who do you suggest I open up to?” He asked in a way that was supposed to sound sarcastic but you had heard him talk enough to know he was also wanting an answer.

“Your brothers, but you don’t open up to them because you don’t think they understand you because they are so different. And maybe they won’t get everything but you don’t have to tell them everything just what they can help you with. There is Polly, who understands you more than you think, but you don’t let her in either for whatever reason. You don’t want to open up to your family? Fine. Find a nice girl and fall in love. She could help you carry your burden and believe it or not help you focus. Love is not weakness, it is strength.”

“It seems I am not as elusive as you say I am.”

“Not as elusive as you want to be.” You corrected him. “And you are to most, and though you hate it, I know you better than you think. You don’t really like me, but I am loyal so unfortunately it is in your better interest to keep me around.” You didn’t really want to hear him agree to that and with the unfamiliar camaraderie going on, you got up to leave and he let you. When you got to the door you turned to face him. “And you know exactly where Lizzie is, so whatever test it was to ask me, know that I I know I passed. She is my friend but you know I am loyal to you. Frankly it hurts a little to still need to prove myself.” And with that you turned and shut the door confidently. You could almost feel his eyes boring into you but you didn’t care. You had said your piece and you weren’t sorry. He asked and he could do whatever he wanted with that information. You had better things to do, namely go to work with the nicer and older Shelby, though he may not be the one you wanted.

The night had gone how you had expected, the men came in after a long day at a hard job, got too drunk, spilled their secrets, and you took in whatever information might be helpful, trying to sort it to tell Polly later. You could tell Arthur but God love him, he wouldn’t remember everything and what he did remember he wouldn’t be shrewd enough to piece together. That was one of the appealing qualities about his younger brother. He was so incredibly smart, beyond his class yet he was smarter than most in positions of power. Yet he never made anyone feel ridiculous for not knowing, unless that was part of his tactic for destroying an enemy. Underneath everything, you could tell he had a big heart though he never let anyone see it.

“How ya doing love?” Arthur had asked you at some point in the night.

“I’m good, thanks Arthur. How are you doing?” You asked as you wiped down the counter when it was no longer occupied.

“I’m fantastic!” He practically shouted, as he wiped his nose. You knew he was using, but you didn’t say anything. It wasn’t your place and you knew Tommy would come in soon and probably have words.

“Always glad to hear it!” You responded enthusiastically, to which he just laughed and walked into the annex room.

Not long after that the man of the hour walked in. Your back was to the door but somehow you had sensed him. You turned around in time to see the man lean onto the bar.

“Arthur is waiting for you.” You had said.

“I know.” Was all he responded.

“I’ll bring you whiskey in a moment.” You told him. He nodded but stayed.

“Can I get you anything else?” You weren’t sure what else you could do but you hated the thought that he would leave soon. He waited a moment before responding, giving you a chance to continue to get lost in his blue eyes.

“Just bring the whiskey when you have a moment.” With that he turned and left.

You had waited about five minutes at most, knowing not to keep the Shelbys waiting. You said nothing as you put the bottle down with glasses enough to go around.

“Thanks love” Arthur said, immediately grabbing the bottle. You just smiled at him knowing you shouldn’t respond.

“Stay.” Your head jerked to Tommy. “Sit.” He got up to let you in the booth to sit next to him. You had no idea why he wanted you to stay and were more surprised he would get up to let you in. He never did that, not even for family. You just did as he said, though you didn’t like feeling commanded like a dog.

The conversation continued, with business being brought up only now and then. Tommy hadn’t said much, but you were painfully aware how close he was, since the booth was filled with the other Shelby boys. You leaned toward him.

“I don’t have much information that would be useful to you.” He showed no emotion, just looked at you. Your faces were very close and your breath hitched. He noticed, eyes flickering to your mouth.

“That’s alright.” He said, voice low. You shook your head thoughtfully.

“I just didn’t know if that was why you wanted me in here.” You ventured. He looked at you thoughtfully.

“It wasn’t.” Was all he said, gauging your reaction.

“Then why did you want me here?” He seemed to think over his answer.

“Glad you could join us!” John interrupted, forcing you to break eye contact. You felt Tommy move away slightly and you hated that. Hating yourself for hating it.

“Of course John, I know how much you love me!” You teased. He laughed, already long since drunk before you came.

“It’s true, so why don’t you get over here and sit by the best of Shelby men?” He barked, Arthur punched him as best he could sitting next to him and you noticed Tommy stiffen. You didn’t have time to wonder.

“Yeah right, we all know she loves me the bes!t” Arthur told his younger brother. Tommy casually moved closer, subtle enough so the boys didn’t pick up on it but you noticed. Especially when his knee touched yours. It lit your soul on fire and when he slung his arm behind your seat you wanted to melt. You tried not to think into it but it was hard when you were so close. Your hand was on your lap, practically touching his leg and your eyes widened when you felt his hand touch your pinky. You had to remember to breathe. What was he doing? Out of the corner of your eye you knew he wasn’t looking at you so you didn’t look at him.

“What makes you think I love you at all?” You addressed the two. You saw Tommy smirk and he definitely grabbed your hand so you knew it wasn’t a mistake he touched you. You froze but then you held it back. You relaxed into him subtly.

“Oh you wound me!” John fell against the seat.

“Told you she wouldn’t love an idiot like you!” Arthur told him. They then entered into their own conversation and you were allowed to focus on Tommy. Your hands were playing with each other and you ventured to look at him. He was looking at you and you would have sold your soul to figure out what he was thinking at that moment. He just kept staring at you, then held your hand tightly. You just squeezed back, unspoken words hung between you.

After some time you knew it was getting late and that you would have to go home soon. Tommy eventually had let go of your hand and replaced it with the glass of whiskey. You figured this was the time to say something. Arthur and John were piss drunk as they usually were about this time.

“I hate to leave the party, but I should go home.” You said mostly to Tommy as he was the only one still sober enough to hear anything. Without missing a beat,

“I will take you.” He said and made to get up. You were surprised but quickly masked your face and followed him. You knew better than to disagree even though you didn't want to. Arthur and John had half waved and you knew they wouldn’t leave for a while, needing to sober up first. Tommy held the door for you, and you walked out.

You fell into silence but he stayed very close to you. You tried to write it off as him making sure you were safe, but you couldn’t help but hope it meant more. He lit a cigarette and you realized you found him more attractive with the confident action.

“Thank you for walking me home, you didn’t have to.” You wanted to talk to him and thought that was a good start.

He exhaled smoke. “Of course I did. Couldn't have you walking home alone.”

“I suppose.” You murmured. So maybe it wasn’t as gallant a gesture as you hoped. “But YOU didn’t have to, you could have found anyone to do it.” You tried without sounding too pushy.

“I wouldn’t trust anyone else.”

“Why is that?” You turned to look at him. He just sighed and threw his cigarette.

“Because I want you to be safe and I will sleep better seeing you safe at home and not just assuming.”

“I didn’t realize Tommy Shelby cared about me so much.” You tried to tease. You wanted to seem casual, trying to hide how your heart sped up at the idea that he thought about you.

“And that is so surprising?” He turned to look at you. You nearly faltered in your step and turned to look at the street ahead.

“I guess I just didn’t think you gave me much thought.”

“Why is that?” He questioned in a way that made it seem like he knew the answer. He always knew the answer to questions he asked it seems.

“Because you hardly acknowledge me and when you do it is mostly for business. Never for…pleasure.” You knew what it could imply but couldn’t think of a better word. “I consider your brothers as friends but you…” You trailed off.

“And what do you consider me?” He pressed. It was your turn to sigh.

“I consider you a man I want to figure out. You intrigue me, Tommy. And I don’t know where I stand with you.” You had reached your door by this time, and you unlocked the door but turned to face him before stepping inside.

“You want to know where we stand?” He asked, voice husky and low, stepping impossibly close. Your breath hitched and he had trapped you against the door. “This is where we stand.” With that his mouth was on yours, hungry, yearning, desperate. You were shocked at what was happening but when you came to, you quickly responded. You put your arms around his neck, combing your hands through his hair, relishing the stubbly hair on the side of his head. You pulled him close, and his hands were all over your body. The kiss was passionate, trying to say what words could not. Eventually you had to part, panting, trying to catch your breaths.

“What was that?” You managed to ask. He still held you close, mouth still inches away.

“That was me telling you what you do to me. I can’t fucking think when you are around. When you aren't, all I can focus on is where you are, what you are doing, who you are with.” He subconsciously tightened his hold at the last part.

“But Tommy, you have never given me a reason to think you care about me.” He sighed and stroked your cheek pulling away slightly. You mourned the loss.

“Because I tried to get you from my mind. I don’t want to care about you. I wanted to get you out of my head and tried to ignore you in hopes I could forget you. But I couldn't.”

“You have no idea what that means. I tried to tell myself you hated me, wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted that to make me lose feelings for you, but the truth is Tommy, I care about you.” You dare say you loved him but now isn't the time for that confession.

“And I care about you. Which is dangerous. You are much safer if we aren’t together.” You finally saw a glimpse of the war inside Tommy Shelby. He finally opened up enough to catch a coveted glimpse of his brilliant and devastating mind.

“I disagree. The safest place I could be is right here. In your arms. Where I belong.” You said, hoping he would understand how truly you meant those words. He relaxed and pulled you closer.

“I can’t fight this anymore. You are mine, Y/N.” He said in his strong and possessive voice. You cupped his cheek, causing him to look in your eyes.

“I always have been.” With that he pulled you into another passionate kiss.

A lot had happened since that night. You and Tommy spent more time together, and though it was never officially stated, everyone knew you were together. He would always refer to you as his, his girl, love, etc. The family teased you both and though it caused you to blush, you loved it. You loved being Tommy Shelby’s. It was a wonderful time, a nice bubble. Until it popped. Tommy had ended Lizzie’s relationship with Angel and she hated him for it. She hated you too for a time since you were with Tommy and you supported his decision. Eventually she came around, understanding that she could no longer walk the line between the Italians and the Peaky Blinders. War had erupted and you had naively thought it ended when Arthur shot Vincente Changretta, but then Luca came into tow, killing John. That had changed everything. Everyone had mourned, but Tommy took it the hardest even though Arthur was closer to John. But Arthur mourned while Tommy took that anger and grief and used it to fuel his fire for revenge. He pulled away from you which hurt. You were always able to calm him down and even Polly had said you were the only one to talk sense to him. But even you had lost that power. You were no longer his relief. It hurt, but since you loved him, you would have been okay with it if he found some relief somehow. But he never did. He was spiraling and losing the war and everyone knew it.

You had tried to talk to Polly countless times about what to do but she was just as clueless as to what you could do. Eventually you knew it would be up to Tommy to pull through. Little did you know he wasn’t going to do so anytime soon. He had not been as open to anyone, and he had gotten into it with Polly on more than one occasion. He had pulled away, and when John died, your relationship was all but non-existent. You had tried to talk to him but he kept pushing you away. When Luca Changretta had come to town, Tommy had you move into his house. You had practically lived there when your relationship was doing well, but now it was official, for now. You wouldn’t have minded if it had come about when you and Tommy were in a good place, but you weren’t and what made it worse was that he asked you, no told you, to move in for protection - not because he wanted you there. At least he never said he did; you still loved him and had almost told him on many occasions, but it never seemed like the right time. You didn’t know if that was good or bad that you hadn’t made the confession given this tumultuous time.

John’s funeral had come and gone, and you were just as livid as Polly that Tommy used it as a stunt to pull against the Italians. Even Lizzie was upset about it. You knew she deeply cared about John, and knew every detail from her side of their history. Something had shifted in Tommy, and you knew he would never be the same. You and your mother had your own history but you were still heartbroken at the loss. You had tried one night to get Tommy to open up to you, but he had shaken you off like he did every other night. You didn’t want to think he didn’t care about you anymore but you weren’t sure he still loved you. He had never told you his true feelings but you hadn’t needed him to. He showed you every day. Whether it was making sure you were safe, buying you gifts, spending time with you, you knew he did. But things had changed and you knew he cared, otherwise he wouldn’t have you at the house but love? You would need him to tell you. What terrified you was you didn’t know if he would.

In the meantime you had gotten to know the Gold’s and you were around for Bonnie’s training. Arthur would spar with him every so often and you enjoyed watching.

“Looking good kid. You will be the champion one day, there’s no doubt.” Arthur had said after one match.

“Thanks, old man.” Bonnie grinned. After Arthur’s obligatory threatening of anyone knew, he and Bonnie had gotten on. Especially when Aberama wasn’t lurking. He cared deeply for his son and was bordering on too much control over him, but you couldn’t fault him; you would have loved to have a father like that.

“Careful, he might take you down out of spite.” You teased, handing them both a towel.

“Nah, I would never let that happen. Maybe once, so his pride isn’t too wounded” Bonnie teased Arthur.

“Careful, you aren’t as good as you think.”

“I am when I have a good cheering section.” He acknowledged you.

“Happy to help. You are doing well, just watch your left.” You commented. They chuckled.

“Guess you have been hanging out around us too long, you are learning something.” Arthur turned his teasing to you.

“What else should I do, except cheer on my boys?” You teased back.

“Careful, Tommy won’t like that. He is a jealous man.” Arthur was only half joking and Bonnie grew somber.

“I am not too sure Tommy cares what I do at the moment. As long as I am not hanging out with any Italians, I don’t cross his mind.” You tried to keep the bitterness out of your voice. This had been apparent to you for a while.

At that moment, Arthur and Bonnie both looked behind you. “Careful love, or you’ll end up in the ring.” Arthur whispered for only you to hear. You turned around to see none other than Tommy watching. As usual, he showed no emotion but you knew he had heard the little exchange, but you didn’t care. Maybe he would finally talk to you.

“Bonnie, I have a fight lined up for you. Think you are ready?” Bonnie couldn’t contain his grin.

“Definitely.” He said with no hesitation.

“Good. Don’t get too hurt before then.” With that he turned to you. “Time to go.” Commanding voice, no sign of emotion so it was hard to know his thoughts. However you had been around long enough to know he wasn’t overjoyed. You knew better than to start something there so you just followed him out of the door. Nothing was said the whole ride back and when you walked inside, you decided not to start the conversation. If he wanted to talk he would so you just silently made your way to your room. It was his room too, but he hardly stayed there anymore; if he was home, he stayed in a different room, claiming he didn’t want to wake you up at odd hours but you knew that wasn’t the whole truth.

“What are you mad about now?” He started once he followed you into the room, closing the door. You bristled.

“What am I mad about? The same thing as usual. And you? Still the same brooding ‘no one can help me because I won’t let anyone try’? Or did you decide to be on about something else?” You retorted. His eyes grew dark.

“I’ve got so much on my fucking plate, why do you try to make it harder for me, eh?”

“I make it harder for YOU? Have you ever thought that I want to help you, like I have told you a hundred times, and maybe I am sick of the fact that you don’t want me around anymore? Because that is pretty hard on me.” You shouted.

“Stop fucking yelling, you don’t have to be so crazy all the time.” You just laughed sarcastically.

“Just tell me Tommy, I’m curious. Since you insist on finding everything you can that’s wrong with me, trying to make me your enemy when I have been the one person on your side every time, why you still want me around. Clearly you can’t stand me, I repulse you so why keep me locked in your home? What purpose does that serve? If I insist on making life hard for you why don’t you just throw me out? You have no problem doing that to others, why not give me the boot?” He didn’t respond, just kept looking at you. When you knew he wouldn’t answer you just sighed, shrugging your shoulders in defeat.

“I am so sick of fighting you all the time, Tommy. I hate it. I don’t want to keep doing it but you won’t talk to me and when you decide I am worth your time, you try to start a fight. I am so tired. I can’t keep doing it.” You sat on the bed, not looking up at him. You knew he was looking at you.

“I can’t either.” Was all he said. You dared to look up.

“Where does that leave us then?” You asked, defeatedly. Before he could answer a knock came at the door.

“Come in” He barked. The maid entered.

“I’m sorry to bother you sir, but Mr. Solomons is here, and you said that when he arrived to tell you immediately-”

“Yes.” He said, effectively dismissing her. He never took his eyes off you until he turned to reach the door. Right when he opened it you stopped him.

“I loved you, you know. I have since before you ever walked me home that night. I loved you through the death of Vincente, the death of John, all of it. And I would have loved you forever if only you would have let me.” You figured you had nothing to lose, the confession came out of nowhere but it was true nonetheless. Might as well part ways leaving nothing left unsaid. Ironic since it was a lack of communication driving you apart. You half hoped he would turn around and say something, say he loved you, that he was sorry, that he knew, anything. But that wouldn’t be your Tommy. Thomas Shelby now. You no longer had a claim on him. He stared straight ahead and as always, showed no emotion and walked out the door, and effectively, out of your life.

He had long since left you, but this was official now. You might as well take what little was left of your pride and do something for yourself. You packed your belongings and decided for once, to leave him first instead.

You weren’t simple enough to go back to your home alone, knowing the Italians could and would still use you as a target regardless of your issues with Tommy so you went to the only place you could. Polly’s. She welcomed you readily, and she blamed Tommy for the whole thing saying she was surprised you hadn’t come sooner. You had always appreciated her straightforwardness. You went to bed that night feeling good that you had the strength to finally leave but heartbroken because no matter what, you knew you would love Tommy. You didn’t sleep well and it showed when you joined Polly the next morning for tea. You weren’t very hungry and she didn’t press you.

“Thank you” Was all you said when she handed you your tea. You blew on it.

“Tommy called.” Was all she responded. You stopped for a moment.

“I figured he would.” You said.

“I told him you were here.” You looked up at her.

“I didn’t expect you to lie.” You countered.

“He probably will come over.” She still showed no emotion, studying yours. You just hummed.

“I won’t stop him, but you should talk to him. I will kick him out if you need.” She got up, probably to welcome Tommy who was coming soon. You knew you would need to talk to him but you didn’t expect to do it so soon. Honestly, you knew he didn’t like things not going his way and you leaving was not in his plan; at least you thought. But you also didn’t want to go back just because that was what he wanted, nothing to do with your relationship. And you would tell him.

When he knocked, Polly let him in, you hadn’t gotten up, still finishing your tea. He sat at the table with you, staying silent for a moment. You just sipped your tea, maintaining eye contact.

“You left.” Was all he said.

“Yes.” You responded.

“I didn’t think you would. In fact I never counted on that.” You raised your eyebrow and scoffed.

“Is that because you thought I was too weak to leave, or did you truly not realize how much you broke my heart?” You were proud that you kept most of your emotion out of your tone, having been around the Shelby’s enough to keep monotone even when you were seething inside. He didn’t respond right away and it tore at you to not hear what he was thinking.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”

“I’m curious how you thought breaking my heart wouldn’t hurt.” He just sighed.

“You need to come home.” His use of home didn’t escape you. He hadn’t used that word in a long time. When everything was good between you two, you talked about being together and being home etc as lovers do but recently it was ‘let’s go’ or ‘you need to go back’, never home. It was one of the many ways he had detached you two.

“Home, yeah? Is that my home Tommy?” You asked pointedly, expecting an answer.

“Of course it is. Been your fucking home for over a year.” He lit a cigarette. You knew him well enough to know he did it to hide any nerves.

“No, it is where you have kept me, it hasn’t been home for a long time.” You countered. He took a long time to blow out his smoke.

“Being a bit dramatic, eh?” You knew he was baiting you. You had gotten used to arguing and almost started to enjoy it because it had been the only way you two communicated anymore.

“No, I am just stating facts. And I know the only reason you want me back is because me leaving wasn’t part of your fucking plan.” You couldn’t hide the irritation in your voice.

“No, I want to protect you. You know that. The Italians still want to hurt us and that is the safest place for you.”

“I am safe here with Polly. And I am not convinced you even care about my safety anymore. So that means you have a different plan that you won’t let anyone in on and I am sick of it. So either you tell me what is really going on or just fuck off.” You put your tea cup down harshly.

“I always have a plan, and you obviously are part of it. You are always involved in my plans and you used to love that.”

“I used to love it.” You repeated, slowly nodding after repeating his words. “No Tommy, I loved being involved with you, when you let me in. I loved when you would tell me your plans, but now you can’t stand to be in the same room, even now you are agitated and you know that I know you well enough to pick up on it. So to save you from my presence which clearly agitates you to no end, you either tell me what you got planned or again, you can just fuck off.” You told him again. He looked at you for a moment, clearly not used to you giving him ultimatums. Part of you would have thought it turned him on, you trying to take control so he could force you into submission. It was a game you used to play. Seems like a lifetime ago now, but you weren’t playing now.

“You will come home with me.” He stated with more aggression.

“Hmm, still won’t tell me what’s in your beautiful mind will you?” You said, vulnerably. You saw something flash in his eyes, remorse? But you both put your walls up again.

“Guess you’re going to have to fuck off then.” You made to get up, and he quickly blocked your exit. You couldn’t hide the hitch in your breath when he got so close. He peered down at you.

“Why are you making it so difficult for me, eh?” He said. He was so soft you knew he was referring to something more than just you not wanting to go back with him.

“Why won’t you let me in? What are you so scared of?” You said softly, slowly moving your hand to his cheek. You caressed him tenderly, and for a moment he closed his eyes and leaned into your touch. In this moment you knew he still cared about you and you wanted to cry.

“I just want to protect you.” He whispered so quietly you almost didn’t hear him.

“Then let me in. Pushing me away does neither of us any good. We are stronger together Tommy. You are my strength, let me be yours.” For a moment you thought he might, but as quickly as the moment came, it went. He grabbed your hand and lowered it from his face, not letting go.

“Trust me.”

“Trust ME, Tommy.” You responded, almost pleaded.

“Either you come back on your own, or I will have to take you myself.” His walls were back up and you knew he wouldn’t lower them again. You sighed, knowing that what was broken wasn’t going to get fixed.

“I do trust you Tommy, but I am tired of you not trusting me. So either you learn to, or we have to stay apart. Whatever this is, isn’t good for either of us. Besides, if we aren’t together then you no longer have to worry about me. I will no longer be a piece in this game you play against Luca Changretta. I suppose that would be easier for you.” You smiled sadly. “I will stay with Polly.” you squeezed his hand one last time and walked away with your head held high. You could cry when he left. And it broke your heart when he did.

You had heard about the boxing match between Bonnie and Goliath from Polly. You knew she talked to Tommy and most likely knew his plan, so when she said you had to come, you knew you had no choice. Just because you weren’t with Tommy, didn’t mean you weren’t on his side. You came into the arena with Polly and met up with the rest of the family. Tommy had to be elsewhere before the fight started and honestly you didn’t care where he was. Part of you wanted to see him but part of you knew that if you did, you weren’t sure you would be strong enough to stay away again. You knew meeting up would be inevitable but you wanted to wait as long as you could. You decided to use the bathroom, hoping you could calm your nerves for the reunion. You took a few breaths in the mirror and decided it was what it would be. So you gathered all the confidence you could, happy with yourself for looking extra good for the evening. It had been a while since you got dressed up. As you opened the door to the bathroom, you stepped outside a few steps and ran into the all too familiar face. You were surprised to see him in the now empty hallway.

“Tommy” you said in surprise.

“Hello Y/N” He said, showing no sign of emotion, as per usual. But you caught him looking you up and down and you thanked God that you wore the sexier of the two dresses. Thank God for Polly for helping you choose.

“Good luck tonight” You said, meaning more than just the match and he knew it.

“Thank you.” You made to move past him, but he gently grabbed your arm.

“Y/N, I-” But you shook your head.

“Please Tommy. Don’t. I can’t bear it.” You let out a shaky sigh. “I know that something is going on, something you refuse to tell me. I accept that you will never want me as close to you as I want to be, and I know that you need me here for some reason. And I will always help you, I will be here and play whatever part I am supposed to play, but please.” You took another shaky breath. “Whatever you want to say, don’t. I can barely survive now and I don’t know if I can even make it through the night. I am putting on a smile and doing whatever female bull shit you need me to, but if I have to hear anything else I will break. I can’t do it, I am not as strong as you think I am. I can’t hear how you feel bad, love me, or worse, you don’t have any sweet nothings to say to me, just business as always. I can’t bear it.” You whispered the last sentence, with tears pooling in your eyes. He looked so lost it almost broke you. Part of you wanted him to say something but you respected him all the more when he didn’t. He just sighed, nodded, and loosened his grip on your arm. You managed to not fall apart, just giving him a sad smile, and walked back to your seat.

The fight occurred, and you enjoyed it despite yourself. Then Arthur was killed and you were shocked and motionless. Polly managed to get the ladies out and to safety. The only thing you wanted to do was go to Tommy but you knew that couldn’t happen and it hurt all the more. However much time later, Polly had let you in on some secrets. Tommy was going to get the best of the Italians and you were happy that the whole ordeal would be over. Of course that wasn’t the only reason she told you, she had said you needed to go to the distillery and meet Tommy and Luca Changretta there. You weren’t sure why, just that your presence was required and of course, you went. You walked in, seeing Tommy, Finn, and Polly.

“Thank you for coming” Tommy said as you walked up to him, nodding at Polly as his thanks to which she returned.

“I didn’t have much choice, did I? Is this it?” You asked him.

“This will be the end, I promise.” You hummed.

“Then you won’t need me around anymore.” It was a statement made with no emotion, save pondering.

“That will never be the case.” He said fiercely, grabbing onto both your arms.

“Could have fooled me.” You searched his eyes for what, you didn’t know.

“You have to believe I never wanted to hurt you, but I had to. I will explain when this is over.” This was more than you had ever received from him. Before you could ask him what he meant by that, you heard footsteps. Tommy immediately put you behind him and you all prepared to see the Italians walk in.

The men made some insults then got down to business. You tried not to seem shocked that Tommy would sell his distillery but then again, you didn’t know much. The hardest part of the whole thing was watching Tommy on his knees. You knew he had a plan and wished he would just get on with it and stop playing around. Everyone was getting too excited. Then it happened. You were always amazed how Tommy could speak. He commanded the attention of everyone in the room and somehow he was always three steps ahead. He went on about a rival in Chicago and Luca Changretta was not happy. You were prepared to hide should a gunfight occur. This wasn't your first. Good thing too, because out of nowhere Arthur came in and before you could process it, Tommy had grabbed you and made sure you were safe. Not long after, Luca was dead on the floor and you were glad it was over. You gave him a brief glance but didn’t need to see it. You still had some innocence left. You let go of Tommy and ran to Arthur.

“I can’t believe you are alive!” You said, hugging him. Then you slapped him for not telling you.

“Sorry love, only a few people could know so it wouldn’t get out.”

“I am used to being left out” you told him wryly. Polly smirked.

“Sorry love, but I did tell Tommy to at least tell you that he didn’t mean to break your heart and that it was all planned and-”

“Arthur” Polly quickly cut him off.

“What are you talking about?” You asked him.

“I thought Tommy talked to you. Bloody hell brother, you really are fooking all this up.” Arthur said, and you turned around to see Tommy wiping his face.

“You are right, Arthur. I should have, but I needed to protect her.”

“Would someone please tell me what the bloody hell is going on?” You practically shouted. Arthur, Polly, and Finn left and took the hired Italians with them.

“The reason I needed you here was once this business was sorted, I couldn’t wait another second to be with you.” Tommy said. No one moved.

“Just tell me the truth.” You begged him.

“No more fucking around. I love you with all of my heart Y/N. I only broke your heart because Changretta threatened you. Believe me when I did my best to ensure you were safe but there were a lot of things going on. He wanted me to hurt you or he would. And I knew he could do it. I haven’t been that out of control and he knew exactly how to get to me. The only way to keep you safe was to make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. It killed me to do it. I hate myself every second of every day for it but it was the only way. I am so sorry.” He took a small step towards you, but you stayed rooted to your spot. You didn’t know what to say, it was a lot to take in.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your love, but I am a selfish man. I need you and I want you too. If you can somehow find it in yourself to forgive me, I will be a better man, I promise you this. I wanted to tell you, but it was too far in. I couldn’t risk it” He took another step.

“You could have told me, I play along with all your other strategies. Why couldn’t you tell me the most important thing?” You asked.

“I couldn’t risk it. If you seemed even a little bit unbroken, he would know and he would hurt you. That’s why I wanted you to stay at the house. You would be miserable but you would be safe.”

“But that’s just it, Tommy. I wasn’t safe. You effectively killed me. I was a dead woman walking. I wanted to be killed. That would have been kinder.” Your voice was breaking but you willed yourself to stay strong, despite the tears starting to flow.

“I am so sorry. I wish I could have been better. I wish that I could have ended that bastard months ago. But I couldn’t. Not without retribution. I would rather live without you than have you die. You need to be alive and safe.”

“But I was neither, not really. He didn’t have to kill me. You did” Your tears were freely flowing and you saw that his eyes were glossy too. That shook you the most. Seeing Thomas Shelby be human.

“I was desperate and wasn’t thinking.”

“For one who thinks too much you really didn't think about this.”

“It is because you are my one weakness. I love my family, I am still a broken man over John, but if I lost you..” He stopped, choking on the words.

“But you did lose me.”

“I hope not forever.” He looked at you with an emotion you hadn’t seen on him before - fear.

“You say you will change, but you say that each time. You go back to old habits once another threat is made known. And there are a lot of threats. You don’t let anyone in, you never did and I think you never will. If you love me, treat me like it. You tell everyone, even Finn who is too young, but you won’t, you can’t, let me in. Maybe we are better off apart.” It hurt to say it out loud, but you had been thinking that for a while.

“That is not true. We are stronger together.” It wasn’t lost on you that he repeated your words.

“Stronger. That’s why you pushed me away.”

“I swear to you, I will prove that I need you.”

“I don’t doubt you do. But you need a lot of things that you live without, and I am no different.”

“That is not true, Y/N. You are all I need. I can’t live without you. These past weeks have been hell.”

“And you knew the truth, what about me? Imagine it, imagine not knowing everything. I never do but I always stick by you!” You shouted. “I am so tired.” You cried. You started to let it all out and you didn’t have the strength to stop it. He immediately came to you and when you let him hold you, he held you so tightly, and it felt so right.

After some time, you calmed down and looked up into his eyes to see he had been crying too. Then it hit you. You needed Tommy too. No matter what he did, you would always need to be with him. But that didn’t have to mean you would or should.

“Here’s the thing, Tommy. I love you with every fiber of my being. That will never change. But I can’t, I won’t do that again. I deserve better.”

“I know, I will let you in. I will do anything.”

“You better. The second you don’t I am gone for good.” And you meant it.

“Whatever you need.”

“Deal. Whatever you want. I will do better, I can do better, and you deserve everything.” He kept holding you, stroking your back.

“Then take me home, Tommy. I am tired and I need you.” He smiled for the first time in months.

“Yes my love, whatever you want.” He placed a kiss on your lips, and in Thomas Shelby fashion, actions spoke louder than words. And somehow you knew, things would change. You would be sure of it.

#ch: tommy shelby.#tv: peaky blinders.#c's fic recs.

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