#I’ve been unmedicated for maybe a month so this is rambles

[theadhddiaries]

ADHD Rambles

On a beautiful day off I completely forgot to charge my phone, set an alarm, or take my meds. I only woke up because my dog and cat both started bugging me to get up. Then I realized I had a phone appointment in less than 30 minutes.

Turns out, unmedicated ADHD + a morning panic boost of adrenaline leads to super obvious symptoms.

Luckily, the appointment was for therapy where I rambled from topic to topic like an energizer bunny until I apologized because I forgot my meds. Maybe it was a good thing for my therapist to see instead of my normal fully awake levels of self-control.

I’ve been good about making sure I take my meds consistently for months now. So it’s always shocking to experience the out of control tailspin that is unmedicated stress. Especially when I literally rolled out of bed to it.

I figured since I missed my normal time I wouldn’t take it today since it’s long release. But the symptoms held on hard and I couldn’t get my racing thoughts and Chihuahua shaking anxiety under control. It was so bad that I finally gave in and took them.

I still have that energy humming through my body three hours later. But my god. The hour stretch it took for it to work was crazy to observe. The quiet and ability to focus that crept in. The way I was suddenly able to say enough to myself and calm down. I can’t believe I lived my whole life like the first part of my day. Not knowing it didn’t have to be like this.

I know meds don’t work or accessible to everyone. But if you are able and they work with your body, I would never speak bad about them. My personal experience they have been nothing but helpful.

[butchbobbyhill]

I HATE MICHIGAN BUT I GUESS ILL STAY HERE

I’ve been adhd glued to the couch for hours I’m gonna take Ruby for a walk!

My mental illness claws itself out of the gutters we keep going and surviving. I did watch good documentaries. One was Transformer, a doc about Janae Kroc, a transwoman from ypsi Michigan, who was a professional body builder. I can’t believe I’m living in a time where I can see someone from Michigan transition.

I’ve met so many trans people in Detroit and literally all of my former friend group in high school ended up trans. Like we are really out here and it’s amazing to see. But also I hate lichigan and want to leave, but fear I’ll keep running from *small town/state fear of becoming nothing* and lose out on great community bc I always dreamt of the real world being in LA or New York New York New York. And I feel the farther a that ppl get from my hometown that I hate talking about being from thinking of is chicago and I would even settle for there bc I LOVE chicago even tho I am totally falling out of love with cities as a concept. Like yes I love living in the city, I’m living my dream, I wish it wasn’t COVID so I can go wild and not deal with my debilitating self isolation suicidal ideation. But I’m living with my dog! I’m on T! I actually have a relationship with my mom and aunt and older sister while transitioning! I haven’t talked to my younger sisters explicitly about it (I’ve been like “im a they them. Im a brother) or my grandma about it and those are the people I’m the most nervous about. Im really thinking about telling my grandma around Christmas tho. Because I want an authentic relationship with her. I think she will yell or say something about being disappointed in me. Im afraid she will think I’m a pervert. She is from El Salvador, she is a catholic grandma even tho she’s dealt with like an immigrant grandmas worst nightmare: teen pregnancy, another child who was like a literal punk party kid, and then raising two grand children who were just Sad Kids. I know it will be hard for her to understand but I just can’t live without her love. I have always suppressed myself to be easy to raise because two women trying to raise two kids is so challenging. I always said I had two moms growing up because my grandmother raised me. I feel like a sibling to my mom sometimes. And I always wanted to do well to take care of them. I’m so afraid of losing her love because she’s said some terrible things to me. She slapped my mom when my mom told her she was pregnant as a teen. I think I’m gonna write a letter explaining transness. I’m gonna remind her of how much I love her and that all I want is for her to be proud of me. And then I’m gonna leave immediately and maybe just double mask it or triple mask it at the club but I physically need to go dancing. I might not go at all and dance alone at home but yeah after Christmas ill try to stay away for a bit to give hee time. I also need to stock up on t tho and actually get seen in Detroit. I will hopefully upgrade my car in 2022 bc that was the WORST impulse decision of 2021 when I had money. Im gonna work hard at massage and also get a chiro to fuck my back up right and then maybe I’ll get top surgery and bulk up and work out and not be the SCRUBBIEST of scrubs because all of these beautiful bois out here and I am just a bundle of mess. Idk glow up is coming love is coming and my grandma WILL get over it when I’m the prettiest boy alive.

Anyway I think I want to stay in this area for 5 years. As a home base. My sisters will be 12/13 when I leave ? (This is to say if I don’t get to go somewhere abroad hopefully during my academic career because what the actual fuck am I going to college for if not that) but like weather and global warming scare the fuck out of me so staying in Michigan is a good plan. Buying land in Michigan is a good plan. Building a trans commune in Michigan is a good plan. I just really really never wanted to stay in Michigan and I feel I’m trying to convince myself to stay. But reality is putting my dream here, the ability here, the opportunity here, and I should take it while I can. Hopefully travel is in my future later. Please. All I’ve ever wanted was to try and get far away from the places of pain. See the beautiful things others could see. Travel and roam freely. And I can barely get out of my body sometimes. I’ve spent so much of my childhood just in rooms or mental institutions just waiting and waiting and waiting. And now I feel like I’m waiting for acceptance, for a full transition that will never come, for apologies that will never come, for closure that will never come. For healing that will never come. For satisfaction that will never come. Resolution is not real, I’m learning. Everything is unending

So maybe I can just jump into the middle of being a hermit farmer in the state I was born in. I can claim one for myself and my friends and my family. I am unlearning the settler concepts of landownership and everything. My family is a history of migrants, and my fathers side is severed, so I’m learning from the Detroiters around me, and looking at severed and stolen ancestry. I’m trying to find connections and roots and look at what the land tells me. I’m trying to find my home.

Okay if you read this far I want to give you an energetic kiss, an e-kiss if you will. I hope healing is abound for us. We can build a better world. I’m trying to believe that I have a part in it.

[that-sweet-almond]

Hello, it's rambly hours with Alma and on today's episode, I once again trick myself into shipping something that I first only accepted as a challenge. 

Royality edition

Where do I even start.

They are canonically friends. I know we all kinda go crazy in the fandom by mushing everyone together (and also the whole normalization of LAMP on a pretty popular level. No judging here), but its kinda implied the sides do their own thing alone most of the time, and only meet up when Thomas calls them all. Or at least it was more of a prevalent joke at the beginning of the series. These two, however, mention making plans together off camera (see The Sanders Sides 12 Days of Christmas), and interacting outside of videos (see My Negative Thinking), only to name a few examples ;

Patton verbally supports and encourages most of Roman’s antics and ideas. Again, more prevalent in the beginning of the series before Deceit and the gang showed up, and I hear you, Patton does that with everyone, but when you try to compare it in frequency with compliments he throws at the other sides, or even the manner he delivers them, i suppose your typical caring vibes romantically inclined really shined through here;

Likewise, from Roman’s point of view, this inflates his ego (or lack there of). He beams under any kind of compliment, remembering it even after years have passed (see Putting Others First, where he still remembered that Thomas had called him his hero), and whenever Patton shows him kindness, he just melts, over and over again. On the rare occasion, he even returns the gesture to some degree;

This last bit connects with what every Roman kinnie has noticed from the first Sanders Asides vid. He usually shows love and affection in a more harsh manner. This fuels other ships in contrast with Royality, like Prinxiety, Logince and Roceit, and I hear you, because I ship all of that too, but the main base we have for shipping Logicality, or at least, mostly the fact that this is canon, is the fact that Logan called Patton adorable. It was done in a very extravagant manner, and maybe thats why we all still remember it, but Roman has done the same thing, multiple times (see Selfishness vs. Selflessness and Accepting Anxiety Part 1, although I recognize those are both slighty sarcastic, patronizing remarks);

The whole last segment of The Sanders Sides 12 Days of Christmas vid, the end card when they are exchanging presents. They were both so excited about having been paired up with each other, at leats until the pasta bit;

They are both the “right brain” sorta vibes. It’s not really canon, because no one really divided the sides like that on screen, but they are both very excitable, smiley and loud and thats why they gravitate towards each other so well, i guess;

On the flip side, they both hide their emotions like their life depends on it, they are constantly helping others to deflect their insecurities and they both have self esteem issues. Perfect ship right there /s

In short, I got too much time on my hands. This rant has been brought to you by my unmedicated ADHD and one hell of a oneshot that I’ve been trying to finish for two whole months. Feel free to drag me if you disagree.

[kalosops]

“Stupid Piece of Sh*t”

So, I mentioned when I posted the sketch I did of Hollyhock over on my art blog that I might be making a non-art post about BoJack over on my main blog at some point. Well, here's some point. 

Note that this is pretty much being posted unedited and with very little review. I made a deal with myself that I would create this more as a stream of thought and less as a crafted statement as I almost always tend to do, especially when talking about serious topics. So hopefully it makes sense and is digestible.

What I wanted to talk about today was BoJack Horseman Season 4 Episode 6. So, this is your spoiler warning, I suppose.

Anyhow, as any of you who have watched the show probably know, this show gets super intense and way too real on a regular basis. It's a show that touches on a lot of things that many shows and movies opt keep at arms length, bringing many difficult topics (such as abortion, as an example) into the fold to make many a point and realization about them.

This episode, however, was quite a doozy. Despite how intense some of the other episodes have gotten, they'll still be manageable in the sense that they've never made me stop and take some time away to think about them. This episode gains the distinction of being the only one to do that so far. I actually took a day off from my binge-watch so that I could process this one.

Why? Well, the stand-out aspect in this episode was that we really got to experience what goes on inside of BoJack's head, seeing his inner monologue in the form of stylistic animated sections. What I can say about this is that it really nailed the feeling of what depression and anxiety can do to a person's mind. Like, it portrayed it in a frighteningly accurate way, between the way that his thoughts abuse him and how they continually push him to do self-destructive things both minor and major.

I don't often talk about myself on this blog, or really online at all (not even much on my Facebook). I find it quite difficult to talk about my thoughts and feelings, which is something I have struggled with for most, if not all, my life. So, odds are that no one who reads this blog knows that early last year I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I think I've mentioned it online a grand total of one time, in an end of the year journal entry that was quickly pushed aside by another containing a hopeful message for the new year.

So, what I'm saying is that this is actually something that I've experienced. Perhaps not in an exact sense, though probably closer than I would be happy admitting. And it's something that I can't recall being illustrated to quite this accurate a degree in any media I've personally consumed. I've seen hints of it here and there, but rarely do I see it tackled head on, and never quite like this. Honestly, the closest I've seen before is in the film Inside Out and its depiction of both memories being bent out of shape to bring forth the painful parts and the gradual loss of interest in things once considered vital aspects of one's self. And that hit pretty hard as well. If you haven't seen that film, go check it out. It's well worth your time.

I digress, back to the reason I'm writing this. This episode was particularly impactful because it made the reason of why BoJack acts the way he does in many instances crystal clear. This internal monologue constantly egging him on, telling him to do things or not to do things, and lambasting him pretty much either way he reacts to it. Now, having watched the rest of the series prior, it's pretty obvious at this point that BoJack has some /serious/ issues (it's kind of a central theme to many of the show's arcs), but seeing this aspect of his mental state shown so explicitly is quite disturbing, especially since I experience a lot of the same inner thoughts and impulses.

I know on some level that other people grappling with depression and anxiety experience similar things, but, as Hollyhock says at the end of the episode, I know, but I don't always know, you know? There's a major difference between knowing it conceptually and physically seeing it illustrated before your eyes and thinking "Wow, whoever created this really gets this mindset on a fundamental level." I mean, I feel that they must have experienced this sort of thing at some point to be able to depict it with such poignancy.

And seeing the general reaction online to the episode leads me further seeing how not alone I am in experiencing this sort of thing. I've seen a multitude of comments from a variety of places (reddit, AV Club, etc.) where people are expressing similar feelings to what I am. That this episode hits really close to home, that it showed this idea that they understand personally but perhaps never truly believed other people could understand.

Now, to explain the reason that it bothered me so much. I feel that I see way too much of myself in BoJack, and this sort of cemented this idea. I mean, I don't (and never plan to) do drugs and I'm not an alcoholic, though honestly the possibility of alcoholism never feels too far away. Many days I feel that the only reason I'm not seeking to be drunk regularly is the lucky factor of having people constantly rely on me for transportation (I have a roommate that cannot drive themselves to work and a father who flies regularly for work but cannot deprive us of the car and such requires drop-offs/pick-ups). As such, I literally just cannot do it, no matter how much I may want to.

I'm not quite sure what would happen if I didn't have such an obligation. I already spend quite an excessive amount of time just out at places because I feel that need to escape, to be somewhere, anywhere else. For me, that means sitting at a Taco Bell and gorging on unhealthy food and drink rather than sitting in a bar drinking, but is that terribly far from the realm of possibility in the future? Probably not. And that thought really shook me up.

I doubt I could act quite as horribly as a character like BoJack has in the past, but I truly think that's only because my anxiety issues prevent it. They prevent a lot of things, actually. Between stopping me from lashing out at other people despite having an entire tirade planned out in my mind, begging to be unleashed, and preventing me from self-harm almost solely due to how it might negatively impact others, I constantly have a conflicting voice of conscience that pulls me from the breach even as I gaze deeply into the abyss.

It's a frightening state of mind to be in, it truly is. And despite there being ways to manage it, it's not a very easy thing to do. Back when I was diagnosed, I was put on an SSRI as an attempt to quell my mental state. To be fair, it worked decently for a time (I was on it fairly consistently for about six months), allowing me to ignore the inner monologue in most cases, though never completely silencing it. But it wasn't quite enough of a kick to get me to stick with it. In the end, my anxiety won out (in part due to the prospect of losing my insurance as it was about the time I lost my job), preventing me from setting my follow-up appointment and leaving me unmedicated to this day.

Despite having insurance now, I've not yet been able to muster the strength to return to the doctor's office to get a new prescription. I'm not terribly surprised as I delayed my first doctor visit for over two years after the concept of having depression occurred to me. And I only did that because I found myself in a situation where overcoming the crippling anxiety keeping me at bay was easier than the alternative. Sadly, this is an unlikely thing to repeat. Maybe someday a similar situation will present itself, but who knows.

I've rambled on quite a bit at this point about things, and this post has been rather self-involved at this point (which was not at all my intention when I first started writing it, but I suppose was inevitable). So let me leave it with a few final thoughts.

If you're reading this (and somehow made it this far), thanks for listening.

If you also feel that this episode hit way too close to home in this regard, please do yourself a favor and seek professional help. Odds are if this sort of monologue plays out in your head on a regular basis, there is a problem that is best attended to and not left to fester. I know you've probably thought about seeking help before, possibly even for years, but still, sometimes it's helpful to hear it from someone who gets it. You can overcome it and get the help you need, but you have to be the one to take the first step. No one else can do it for you. Do what you need to in order to get it done. For me, it was blasting my most inspiring CD in the car while sitting in the parking lot of the doctor's office for a half-hour or so just to muster the strength to go in and make an appointment, but you may need something different. In any case, I wish you well.

If you aren't the kind to have these thoughts, hopefully this episode gave you a bit of perspective into these mental conditions. I realize that it can be difficult to understand or empathize with mental health conditions, but these sorts of things help give me confidence that these conditions can be explained and depicted in ways that viewers that lack the experience of them might be able to understand. I really wish I could show this episode to everyone that just doesn't get it, but I feel that the episode does require watching the rest of the show prior to have the necessary impact (which I unfortunately cannot just blanket recommend to everyone, despite how amazing I think it is).

Anyway, yeah. Thanks again for listening.

Oh, and also, that last scene where Hollyhock asks him if the similar voice she hears will go away was just devastating. I understand the want, and perhaps the need, to give her hope that maybe it won't be something she struggles with her whole life as well, but man was it devastating...

Anywho, I've rambled long enough for today. Needless to say, despite the difficulty of experiencing this episode, I am very thankful for its existence. I wish I could thank everyone who worked on this episode personally, but this will have to do for now. Thank you all for this amazing gift.

Take care, everyone!