#I’ve been trying so fuckinf hard lately

[beyoncecock]

picked some delicious marionberries again today. thought it’d be a good day

[kingsofeverything]

Just saw your tags about where is your muse and idk if ppl sayinf nice things helps with that but here I am about to try bc I just reread most of your fics (the long ones) and I really *want* to write coherent essay length gushing comments but my adhd gets in the way of that so I’ll at least start with this anon.

First off, i don’t reread fics (see the adhd), so the fact that I’ve read the devil and the deep blue sea not once but 3x is like … I can’t even tell you what a chokehold that fic has on me. It is just so fuckinf REAL and poignant. like jesus Louis’ growth and his journey and their love story and everything with Bo and the navigation of yk the actual shit people go through in real life but in this beautifully thoughtful and messy and kind and honest way. I can’t. I could cry just trying to write this. And anyway, that’s my fave, but honestly anything you write is like the ultimate realness wrapped up in love and comfort and sexiness (like the truck stop au? It was exactly what I’d want from something called a truck stop fic LOL but also so funny and sweet and just THEM? Idk how you always do that).

so anyway, just wanted to (finally!) thank you for gifting us with sooooo many words. I’ll continue to read every single one as long as you publish them.

Heyyy so I can’t say how much this means to me (had to close tumblr and cry after I read this) and I still don’t know how to properly respond. TDATDBS is so important to me. Making Louis’ story real and telling it with the ugly parts and all felt so GOOD. And that’s what I’m missing. I want to write them messy and real and maybe making bad decisions but it feels just out of reach.

Also lol the truck stop au! It was fun to write. Now and then I feel the need to write something silly and/or smutty and sometimes @homosociallyyours will send me a prompt and boom!

TBH it’s just been hard to be creative lately. And for me that means that I’m not really having ideas that inspire me. I miss writing longer stories and I wish I could find the magic in me to make it happen.

Thank you again. This ask made me really happy and thankful 🧡

[bpdnblvnts]

Life has gotten so hard for me again and Idk if it’s because of my own thinking or if other people are trying to stop me from healing. What I do know is that I fucking hate it. All I do in this life time is help others and I always have my best interest out for them. Expect they never have theirs out for me. I’m a punching bag it seems. I get walked all over and used left and right and I don’t UNDERSTAND WHY. WHYYYYTYG MEEE WHY. I BEG GOD AND DEMAND TO LNOW WHY. WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT IS SO DAMN FUCKING AWFUL THAT I MUST RESULT IN PAIN IN EACH FUCKING RELATIONSHIP I GET INTO. IT DOESNT MATTER IF ITS FRIENDS OR FAMILY OR EVEN A PARTNER IM FUCKING DOOMED IT FEELS LIKE. EVERYTHING HURTS. I FEEL LIKE IVE LOST MY PSYCHIC GIFTS AND IT SUCKS. WHAT DID I DO WRONG. WHY ME. WHY ME WHY ME GOD WHY. I ALWAYS TRY TO HELP OTHWRS WHY DONT I EVER HAVE ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN. WHY WHY WHY WHY. I fucking deserve good. I know my worth. I know what I deserve and want. I try to heal myself every day and change my owl toxic patterns. Every day. I try and it sucks. I have nobody to talk to or to hang out with bc everybody is so busy with their toxic behaviors or selfish ways to even fuckinf care it seems. I know I sound ungrateful in this and I rly don’t mean to me. I’m grateful of the house I have, the animals I get to have and be around, the food I get to eat and liquids I get to drink. It’s just rly fucking hard to live a life that seems like a mess. Retrograde is going to be tough. But I know I’m going to make it through it. I know I need to keep pushing. I can’t give up. I’ve never given up so I can’t now. I just wish things were easier or I had just ONE friend to be able to talk to or hang out with bc it’s so dark in my head sometimes.

I’ve done really well lately with no SH. Every time I’ve gotten rly mad or upset and thought about hitting myself or whatever I haven’t done it. I’ve avoided it and just cried and screamed instead. And although it’s not as soothing as it would be to take it out on my body. I know that it’s way healthier and much more needed. It just sucks. I feel alone and I rly hate being alone. I’ve been alone my entire life. I’ve been left with my own thoughts my entire life. To play by myself as a small child alone. Everyone around me was too busy in their life to take care of me or rly even invest time into me. I raised myself and it’s not as good as I was hoping it would be. I know who my TF is I think. And idk what to do. But maybe I don’t even have one and I just think I do. Idk. Every day is confusing and I feel stupid for even believing in myself or a higher power but I just know that’s my own ego and self doubt talking.

I just want to be taken care of. I want to be babied and told that everything’s going to be okay. I want to be reminded of self care bc I forget. I want those things. I don’t understand why I don’t have them. When will things get better. When will my blessings come ? And I hear ( in due time - just stay mindful ) but I’m afraid that every low vibrational thought I have dampens those fires. I heard ( that’s not true ) I don’t get it. I don’t understand life. I don’t understand spirituality and I don’t understand why people have to be so apathetic towards me. I’m somebody who is over giving. Why don’t I receive back? Why do I always try to prove to others I’m a good person? I think it’s because deep down I feel like I’m not bc of the mistakes I’ve made. And that’s not fair to myself. I was young, I was growing, I was learning life. I didn’t have good role models. So how was I to know or understand right from wrong? When I essentially wasn’t ever taught it.

I lacked a father figure so I was constantly out searching male validation.

I wanted to be able to spoil myself so I would go out and search for bad men online who would give me money in return for favors. I’m ashamed of myself for doing that but I know why I did it and I need to learn to forgive myself. It was a bad headspace. And although it’s not ok, I’m sure many others felt the need to do the same so that eases my pain.

I wish this world wasn’t so cruel to women and children. Growing up I felt so wrong to have a body bc the boys in school would bully me and put me down yet they would still talk about my body behind my back. It’s demeaning and disrespectful and it confused me so much.

Now if this person is rly my TF then it would make sense as to why I met this karmic. Somebody who overstepped everything and made me feel lost and confused. But maybe the “karmic” was my TF and I’m more confused than I ever was. I heard “just let god figure it out”

I just need to trust in the divine and believe that they have my back bc they do. They always have. They’ve always protected me and kept me safe and have never let me die even when I wanted to. They love me. I’m never alone when I have them. And I always have them. I should learn to be more appreciative towards them and make them gifts. Even thought they can’t physically have them, they see them and that’s all that matters.

This vent is rly long and rly scrambled but I had to do something else besides cry and throw a tempter tantrum like I usually do. And it did help. It made me calm down. Sorry to everyone who reads this or sees this and thinks I’m crazy lol. Oh well :)

-Faelynn

( which I learned translates to Fairy of The Lake )

[mrs-hollandstan]

Fratboy!Tom forgetting that he had set up with the reader to go the cinema to watch The Lion King but he totally forgot it and went out with some other girl, then reader is waiting for him on the line to watch the movie but Tom doesn't show up and she decides to watch the movie anyways bc she's been waiting so long to watch this and gets extremely sad at Tom and she decides to simply ignore him after that? Or they can have a fight about how he's forgetting about her lately (sorry it's long)

Oof. De angst.

[[MORE]]

The idea of dating Tom was something that you were afraid of. Sure, he was perfect and all but he was in a frat and the boys in his frat were the douchey type. When things started to get serious between the two of you, and he asked you on a movie date to see Lion King, you were giddy to hang out with him. That was until he stood you up. You'd waited outside the theater, both tickets in hand, through most of the trailers, sitting in your seat with an abandoned one beside you. 

You prayed for it not to bother you, but you couldn't help but tear up a little at the thought of finally finding someone and then being stood up by someone that you were so crazy about. You found yourself unfocused on the film at points, thinking about the spry, energetic boy that had stolen and then crushed your heart with so much ease and you knew he would only do so much as to brush it off with a shrug of his shoulders like nothing had ever happened. If you talked to him, you talked to him, if you didn't, he had other women to fuck around with. 

Or so you thought. 

You attended the weekly frat parties like always, with your roommates, and Tom was at all of them. There were a few times he tried to approach you, smug smile on his face until you dipped away to fetch shots or hide away in a room away from him. He knew after the third party that you were avoiding him and he had every intention of approaching you about it.  He was a little hurt. So when he tried to approach you sat at the side of the pool in your bikini and you stood and ducked away, he followed, unknowing to you until the door to the pool house was pulled open and you, pulling on your bathing suit cover, turned and started, 

"I'm just getting-" You pause, locking eyes with Tom who steps inside with a tight lipped look and closes the door behind him, 

"Hi. I uhh... I wanted to see what was wrong with you?" 

"Nothing, I'm fine. I have nothing to say to you." You hurry, curt, and straight to the point. He nods, running his finger along the rim of his cup as you cross your arms,

"Sure, yeah, so you just casually avoid me for three consecutive parties  because you're fine, especially after we made out during spin the bottle and we've been making da- oh my god, that's why." Tom rambles, eyes going wide. He sets his drink down. He wipes his hands over his face, 

"I stood you up. We had plans to go to a movie and I stood you up. Uhm... okay, w-we can go see it now. I uhh... I'll pay for everythi-" 

"I saw it alone." You interrupt, leaning against the table behind you, feeling the nagging of tears in your eyes again as you avoid his, 

"Oh." He speaks up quietly, guilt eating at him at the idea of you dressed up for him, watching the movie you were both supposed to see, alone. He swallows before he sighs and begins to near you, 

"I am so sorry darling." He says softly. You look around,

"You're not. If you were you wouldn't have forgotten about me in the first place." You say, eyes stinging. He sighs, reaching out to play with the hem of your cover, 

"I am though. You... you have to remember that I'm like a nine year old. There's so many things going through my mind that I don't know what sort of fucking plans I've made." He mutters. He shakes his head when you lookup, avoiding your eyes this time, 

"I get it though, I get it if you don't wanna see me again but... I do care about you." He says. Staring at his beautiful face for a moment, you lick your lips when he looks at you, 

"That's just the thing, I'm fucking obsessed with you and I can't... I don't wanna stop but it fucking hurts knowing I'm that forgettable to you." His own heart hurts as crystalline tears roll down your cheeks,

"You're not... you're not, angel. You're not forgettable. I'm a fucking dumbass. Come here." He rambles again, wrapping his arms around you. You lay your head against his shoulder, sniffling as Tom rubs up between your shoulders, his head holding yours against his neck. He sighs 

"I'm no fucking better than any guy out there. I'm such a fucking dick." He mutters. 

"That's the thing. You're the most adorable fucking guy around here but you try too hard to be like your asshole brothers. You are so, so sweet and that's what sucks is that I think you're the most amazing guy ever but... apparently you don't feel the same about me." You say lowly, looking down at your hands when you lean back. He takes hold of them, holding them as gently as he can in case you want to pull away, 

"I do. I'm fucking stupid but you... you're like the only girl that I've ever actually... followed around like this. I-I don't want us to just... go by the wayside. I wanna give it another go and... I completely understand if you wanna fuckinf continue to ignore me and avoid me because I deserve it." He says, moving your hands about. When he looks up, you lick your lips and shake your head, 

"You're gonna have to earn it. I can't... I can't just pretend that it didn't happen and it's fine." You say. Tom nods along, 

"No, no, of course not. I wouldn't expect you to do so. I can handle that. But uhm... I'll do this, we can walk out here holding hands and everything, make sure everyone sees that as for right now, until you're done with me, I'm yours. I'll follow you around all night, loosely of course, and we'll go from there. We'll take it at your pace. Slow as you want." He says, holding your hand in his. You follow him out, back into the party, giving his hand a squeeze when people give you curious looks, your roommates standing around and in the pool with wide eyed stares. You swallow when Tom releases your hand, sitting on the end of a lawn chair and pulling you into his lap. He glances up at the girls like nothing has happened as you look around the party, more and more eyes averted to you and Tom. And sure, even though he has a weird way of showing it, the new found dedication is a trait that you love to see in him. It makes him a better person and draws your mind back to his sweet, beautiful face. So for now, you're rolling with it.

[herowinbaby]

ʚ♡⃛ɞ tw: depression + eating disorders

this is gonna kinda be a dump but i really just feel like shit right now. my depressions getting so bad that nothing matters and it’s hard to do absolutely anything. i don’t even feel the need to get up and eat which is just fueling my eating disorder and now eating makes me feel incredibly ill and it’s affecting my physical health a lot. i can’t even eat 800 cals without feeling like absolute garbage. eating is an actual struggle for me now and it’s not because of my fear of gaining weight. i don’t know what it’s from but chewing and swallowing is so hard for me and doing it makes me nauseous. and even when i try to eat a normal amount i get super sick from it and it makes me feel awful (from a physical aspect, not a mental aspect[although i still don’t feel good from a mental aspect either]).

and it’s like i know i should recover because my ed is really starting to affect my physical health and my depression isn’t helping with that because i hardly have the energy to get up and eat and i’ve stopped taking my vitamins but i don’t feel a need to. at this point i’m trying to eat when i’m hungry but i’m never hungry anymore so i don’t know what to do. and while i want to recover i obviously don’t because i don’t want to gain any weight and lose all the progress i’ve made. i know that’ll just make my ed worse and ill have to start the whole cycle over again but it’s just so confusing. and i’ve been staying up super late and i’ll wake up late which is fuckinf awful bc like just this morning i missed a goddamn meeting because i slept through it because i was up too late. and i won’t do any of my work until like 11pm-12am bc i just don’t want to do anything because doing it is too much work. and i haven’t brushed my teeth in like a week and my room is trashed and i don’t know what to do and i don’t see my therapist until i think monday so i’m just kinda here like :D

[patriciavetinari]

Long post, personal crisis

Sorry I don’t know if I can use the Keep Reading thingie on mobile. Tw: suicide mention. Please don’t reblog. Replies ok.

I think I basically just realized or at least spent significant time thinking about a definite weakness of mine that I should and want to deal with - it’s the horrible toxic jealousy/perfectionism that I feel, and the poisoning strive to be brilliant and recognized for it.

You know those posts and feelings about new hobbies - if you try one and are not immediately amazing at it, you never practice or try again? I believe I have some horrible exagerrated version of that. I feel it even around people, especially in new groups, beit online or offline. This fuckinf need to best, brilliant, expert, I want to cause awe and amaze people.

I think it also might very much be connected with me growing up and prett much being fat, having to prove my worth to people around me, having to be funny, witty, smart one, which I’ve tried so hard to always be and yet I obviously can’t always be like that, plus I can fucking feel capitalism making me duller, taking away my creativity and imagination (then again, is it just the horrible me just looking for excuses for not developing self?).

What triggered it is the online rpg community that I’m part of but I’m sort of a wallflower, still kind of new, and not very good and the particular theme of that rpg (star wars). Yet it’s filled with brilliant creative people, one of them whips out poetry on the whim and I read that thread just now and absolutely broke down because I can’t do that. And I need to outshine that person immediately, I need to be better, I need to win over others and evoke awe.

I hate this feeling. Not that person - I try very hard to focus on the fact that other people being good at something creative is good and wonderful and go them. That is the right thing to think, yet I immediately spiral into this anxiety and perplexion - how can I outdo them and at least be equal, at least be loved and appreciated just as much? Is the lack of love and appreciation? I so feel like a worthless third wheel. Talentless, useless, dull, background npc.

It’s like those positive posts “one person being beautiful does not stop me from being beautiful”, but again, extremely exagereated and with activities AS WELL AS looks. Is it the lack of purpose? The general perfectionism? I don’t know what I want to do with my life and who I want to become, when I contemplate going to college I have no idea what do I want to study. Everything. Nothing. I don’t want to study or practice, I want to immediately be good at everything.

And it’s the same with most such encountera both online and real life. Instagram is horrible in its own rite, but when I just joined it I felt exactly the same about those makeup routines. I bought so many products, I tried, I actually tried there since it was something I did every say, and then I realised I have hooded eyes and will never actually be able to show off instagram-worthy eyelids, and I had breakdowns over this.

It’s the same with almost every fuckinf hobby I encounter, I try to make it if not my monetized brand, then my fun personal mastery. It was the same with yoga (still is, I want to be Amazingly Flexible Fat Person), smoothie bowls, photography, calligraphy, drawing, poetry, writing (even though I don’t have a single finished fan or original work yet I call myself a fuckinf writer). It was even same with relationships, hoping to be able to be a hoe/sugar baby both for the possible pleasures and material side AND thw recognition of A Skill to Seduce, I guess (I’m fat and never been asked on a date, so guess how that is going, I’m completely clueless around flirting). Same with music, style, running aesthetic blog, running a livejournal blog (yeah, this has been going on since LJ era), even running a twitter, or instagram, or any social media, or learning to speak in accents, or dancing, knitting, embroidery and other crafts. Lately I see “witchy stuff” trending in my feed, so obviously I’ve already looked into that.

But I think it’s the creative outlets and being absolutely dull at them, not being able to Produxe Content - not even for monetizing – bur just Not Having a Thoughts is what pains me so much. I’m not fun, not interesting. Especially when there are Brilliant People in close proximity. Even those who would be able to recite poetry if not come up with it on the spot. Those people are so amazing to me I want to fucking kill myself for not being One of Them. I hate it.

It’a slightly better with my work, as I’m sort of an expert in my team by now, people ask me for help a lot and it sends me beaming, I like helping, being the expert, Offering a piece of my mind, but my work is not creative, it’s horrible, it’s ruining my sense of humour, my mind, and it’s completely useless outside that specific field and my colleagues. I’m fun to them because I’m smart abour our job and sassy but it’s horrible job. And I’m bad at everything else. I have no hobbies, no personality outside work.

And even at work I’m vulnerable. I had lunch today near the French team, they were speaking French, and I spent time regretting I don’t speak French. I “only” speak three languages. English is my third one. I go absolutely fucking stellar when native speaker compliments my English, vocabulary and all. Do I struggle without recognition? Do I need constant pats on the back? Am I good enough? Am I trying to prove my worth no matter to whom? Am I trying to please or entertain, be useful?

I want to be brilliant. I want to be sure of what I like to do, of what my actual hobbies are, I want to find out who I am so I can be in contact with other People With Hobbies and be content with our differences, be able to just be happy for another persons talent, and enjoy it, and recognize them instead of turning the spotlight onto myself while having nothing to say and demanding applause. I will always support people having phases, pickinf up and putting down hobbies when they feel like it, but I want at least a little bit of permanence in myself, at least for a moment, I want to try and find out my actual interests, not trends I fall for desperately trying to be relatable and marketable and presentable and acceptable.

I want to find myseld and be happy with myself. And fuck, I want brilliance and recognition and applause. Maybe it’s a form of craving love and attention, but I want it. I want to be creative, good at something, brilliant. I even feel like all my interests are Like That, not genuine, like some sort of Imposter syndrome subcategory, Trying To Be Liked. Yes, I was that kid that was no trouble and acted so mature. Read books to keep out of way. No serotonin to speak of.

I can’t say I hate myself, I just feel lost, lonely, not an unfinished work - a not even started one. I feel like empty shell, and there is a person lost deep inside that shell that I desperately want to meet and I hope one day I can.