#I’ve been through a lot worse than some ‘mean words’ (read: misrepresenting people like me to my queer community) or a shitty reblog.

[trans-androgyne]

Telling people to kill themselves (or is it detransition?) for a criticism of a book are we. What a normal take, aren’t you such a good person. For context I had pointed out the ways Serano almost exclusively brings up transmasc & genderqueer people to be critical or wrong about them.

One for the blocklist. Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays.

[volturialice]

since you’re the resident (and I hope to god the only) safe haven expert, would you say it’s worse than, equal to, or better than fifty shades -❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

hello rainbow heart anon! i’ve been pondering this question all 1,600 miles and two days between colorado and virginia (thank you for entertaining me)

so ok. there are a lot of different metrics by which we can judge fics/stories. we can judge them based on plot, or writing mechanics, or how Problematic they are or aren’t, or overall literary merit. I’m gonna do a couple of these things, but let’s aim to decide based on “overall literary merit,” a phrase which it is physically painful to apply to either of these works but oh well

1) problematic-ness

first of all, a HUGE note about Problematic-ness: I do not often find this a useful way to judge stories, because all stories have to have some kind of conflict and also art can be as Problematic as it wants and still be good art. but in the case of e.l. james I will make the fattest fucking exception oh my god

and in terms of Problematic-ness, Safe Haven is WAY worse than 50 shades. many more articulate and knowledgeable people than me have written about how 50 shades a) does not depict actual BDSM, and b) misrepresents BDSM as some gross deviant thing that only a “twisted degenerate who has suffered horrific abuse” archetype could possibly be into. BUT however much 50 shades is grossly inaccurate in its depiction of BDSM, at least 50 shades admits that the relationship between christian and ana is “fucked up.” like at least there’s a token acknowledgement of “this is not a normal or appropriate way to treat your romantic partner” in there a few times.

whereas in SH, the same violent, abusive, controlling and manipulative tendencies are never acknowledged. they’re there (edward fantasizing about literally beating bella because he’s angry that she witnessed a murder, anyone?) but they’re never talked about—just handwaved away as “this is how regular guys in love think and behave.” which, um, no, erika. no the fuck it isn’t.

SH!bella is also a 19-year-old orphan with absolutely no support system, whereas at least ana (21) has friends, family, and a bachelor’s degree. all SH!bella has is obscene wealth, a cello, and a creepy plantation in (I’m still laughing about this) metairie. she has no one to look at her situation and go “dump him” the way ana’s friends could and did in 50 shades.

winner: 50 shades

2) writing

in order to be published, 50 shades had to pass through an editor. not a good editor, but it was still given a basic once-over for stuff like grammar and spelling, which makes it automatically better than SH. I’m not exaggerating when I say I have barely scratched the surface on this blog of just how bad the grammar et al is in SH. the paragraph-long run-on sentences, the bizarre random capitalizations, the constant abuse of ellipses, the utter lack of commas...it’s bad. when I think about how it was written by an adult TV professional with english as her first language, I kind of despair for the human race.

the original 50 Shades fic, Master of the Universe, is also riddled with errors but still not as bad as SH. I’m guessing this is because MotU came second? afaik Safe Haven was erika’s first foray into writing fic and boy does it show

and finally, the lack of every third word being “fuck” makes a huge fucking difference lmao. it’s also a POV thing—ana may be insufferable, but she’s far, FAR less insufferable than erika’s attempt at writing from a man’s perspective (the constant No-Homo-ing, anyone?) in fact, it would probably be more accurate to compare SH to Grey, but I haven’t read that. (does christian get a dicksona? important question I never want the answer to)

winner: 50 shades

3) you know what, let’s cut to the chase here

I could do a bunch more categories and talk about how 50 shades, while bad, is still better than SH, but I’m realizing it’s probably faster if I make the (much shorter) list of ways Safe Haven is better than 50 shades.

ways in which Safe Haven is better than 50 Shades: 

the pacing/length - the 50 shades trilogy is something like 500k words, and was originally published as two incredibly dragging, meandering fics in which it was incredibly clear erika had no idea where the story was going. SH, by comparison, is less than 60k words and, for all its faults, has clear rising/falling action and a climax, with most of the filler-y parts frontloaded to the beginning rather than disrupting the action (such as it is lol.)

the unintentional comedy - the unintentional comedy is way better in SH. the grammatically worse, “this is totally what men sound like” writing makes SH entertaining on a language level as well as a story level, and the plot beats—bella is abducted by a cross-dressing kidnapper we never hear about again! emmett digs through bella’s trash!—are more balls-to-the-wall ridiculous than anything in 50 shades.

and that’s it

in every other possible category, 50 shades edges out Safe Haven. including in (sigh) overall literary merit. at least 50 shades had something (however stupid) to say about its characters and their relationship, as opposed to Safe Haven’s “bella hot, edward mean, edward like bella, sexy sexy”

[imaginebeatles]

Hi ! I discovered your work with the short story "secret" - which really made me reflect on quite a lots of things about genders , and after with "true to you" , which also opened my mind on quite a lot of subject I never thought of ... The last story I read of your and chut-je-dors's writing is "ten minutes " (I thought I'd cry, I can't wait for next chapters) , and once more, you come up with the quite uncommon subject of sex workers (✌1)

cont. (idk if strip teaser is considered as a sex job ? I didn’t found other boxes to put both those jobs into ) , and both those stories really fight against prejudices, the fact that those persons are humans with rights, and that you can’t judge people’s work or life choices. It’s not very common (at least to me ) to meet (through your writing ) someone that open mind and comfortable with those subjects, is there anything that made you realise all of this or maybe your education ?  (✌2)

I absolutely love this question!! Thank you so much for asking it! Buckle up, this might be a long answer. 

If anyone’s interested in the issue of sex work, I love watching YouTube videos on a bunch of different political and philosophical issues and I would definitely recommend watching this video (x). It’s long but worth it. 

I think part of it is the fact that I’m Dutch (prostitution is legalized here) and grew up in quite an open-minded and progressive family. Subjects like sex work (I’m gonna count stripping as “sex work” here to make things simpler, but whether people define it as sex work differs from person to person, even among strippers themselves, so please forgive me if you don’t agree) weren’t taboo in my family and are often topics of discussion in our politics, so it’s something that people tend to have quite informed but different opinions on. Of course, stereotypes and prejudices exist here as well and in recent years, the whole debate around it has grown again with religious people being mainly against it, because they see sex work as inherently immoral. 

However, because religion doesn’t play as big of a role in Dutch politics as it does in the US for example, most of the debate around prostitution specifically (not counting stripping) is more about human trafficking and the role of women in society. Some people may be against prostitution because of the human (sex) trafficking that is a (small!) part of it, and because they believe that prostitution and sex work is dehumanizing towards women. So the debate is much more about the negative consequences of sex work than the inherent moral value of sex work (the religious group who is against it just on that basis is relatively small). 

Having been interested in politics and philosophical issues for most of my life, I gave this issue a lot of thought and actually did quite a bit of research on this, listening to different voices, especially those of the women and men (!) who are sex workers themselves, as well as people who have done research on this issue and are specialized in it. This very much included what I learned during my studies at university, because I learned a lot about how debates and politics works and was introduced to a lot of feminist thought as well as philosophies on capitalism and markets, which also includes sex work. At university, I also met people who did or used to do (or people who have friends who did) different kinds of sex work, so that way I learned about their motivations and why they wanted to do it, as well as what it was actually like (something you don’t often find information on that easily!). Knowing people who did it, made me more aware that they really are just people like you and me. You can’t know who is a sex worker just by looking at them on the street, and usually they are very smart and diverse of different ages, races, sexualities, and with different reasons for doing! Lots of students like doing sex work, because of the hours and the pay, or just because they genuinely like the work. 

For me, sex work was never immoral because you sell your body for “sex”. I don’t see a difference between selling your body for that or for any other kind of job, and I’ve always been very “do what you want to do and don’t care what other people think! If you want to make money doing sex work, go do it, i don’t care!.” (if you’re gonna say sex work is immoral because selling your body for sex is exploitation, I think you have to also agree that any work for money is exploitation and I would kinda agree on that at least, but then we’re dealing with the issue of capitalism and not sex work). 

As I learned more about it, this didn’t change for me. I don’t think sex work is inherently dehumanizing towards women or men, but just a job just like any other (these businesses are very strict in how clients treat the workers and the worker, be they a prostitute or a stripper, has all the power during the exchange and gets to decide what they do, when, with whom and how, and they often curate their own clients and because people know each other, words about bad clients travel fast!). The way sex work is portrayed, especially in movies, is very different from reality, and sex work itself includes a lot of other forms of labour, such as emotional labour. I learned about people with mental issues who have problems making connections with other people who prefer seeing prostitutes who know how to deal with those issues for sex instead of a partner, or people trying to find out about their sexuality, or what they like and don’t like sexually, or just people who feel like having sex but don’t want a relationship or a hookup! I learned about women looking for sex with prostitutes and who also like going to strip shows (and getting those service from men and women). 

On top of that, because prostitution is legalized in The Netherlands, there are a lot of rules that must be followed. These don’t often work and I’m still critical about the Dutch system in relation to protecting sex workers, but it’s better than when it’s completely criminalized, which would not only make work itself much more terrible and dangerous, but would also make sex trafficking even more difficult to fight. Businesses have worker agreements and back-up checks are done often to tackle human (sex) trafficking. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing and criminalization would only make it worse for everyone. For me, we have to protect sex workers (both women and men! people always forget about the men doing sex work) and make sure no one is being made to do any kind of work that is not safe for them for too little money that they do not want to do. That is exploitation (and can flow into actual slavery) and is wrong no matter what the job is. 

But yeah, the debate around sex work is a lot… mature (?)… here than it may be in other countries like the US, so you have more open-minded people and debates around the issue. I care a lot about issues like this and about human rights and fighting injustice and am all for protecting sex workers and decriminalizing it completely, so I like pushing boundaries in fics to help this a bit. Chut agrees with me on (most, if not all, of) this too, and when we started to write Ten Minutes, we decided to actually actively tackle these prejudices and give a (hopefully) less stereotypical portrayal of it. 

The same goes for other topics in my fics, like gender. For my studies I do a lot of research on queer studies and feminism and I find it all incredibly interesting and very important issues to tackle! I want to understand people and their experiences and find it important that there is more awareness and understanding. Although I’m not trans myself, I really wanted to write “Secret” when someone requested a mclennon fic where either one of them was trans, because I wanted to learn more about it myself and hopefully help both trans people by giving them this story (I know from experience how great it is to recognize yourself in stories and how much that can mean to you) and those who were less familiar with it or didn’t know much about it by talking about it so openly in a fic. 

Again, I did a lot of research on the experiences of trans people (especially trans boys, considering that’s where I was going for) on the internet and did my best. It was nerve-wrecking to post, because I really didn’t want to insult anyone by misrepresenting them, but I still get comments on that fic from people who love it exactly because they recognize themselves in it. That makes “Secret” my favourite fic I’ve written. 

So yeah, I think it’s mainly my liberal, progressive environment, as well as my own curiosity in political and philosophical issues, and my studies at university.  I’m so glad to hear that these fics changed your mind on certain issues, or at least had you looking at them in different ways. It’s what I want to do with my fics aside from just having fun and writing about stuff that interests me :) 

[thelegendofclarke]

I'm a jonsa fan, but she straight up nailed you, unfortunately. Just own up to it. You claimed something that was clearly a lie and they've pulled receipts on you that shows it was a lie. Honestly, the more jonsa fans that behave like lunatics about daenerys and call her crazy shit, the worse jonsa fans look. We all need to chill out.

Nailed me on WHAT? And own up to WHAT?? And WHAT tf do those so called “receipts” show, exactly?!?

Did you happen to miss the part where she said, “ETA: oh wait i DIDN’T actually send her those links that I SPECIFICALLY SAID I SENT HER but she’s still a terrible person who I hate sooo…” (x)

And no, I didn’t want to get involved. I was TRYING to take a step back from wank and a step back from fandom in general (both for fandom related reasons and for personal reasons, many of which I told this person but would rather not publicly get into detail about). A fact that I told this person MULTIPLE TIMES, and yet they STILL continued to bring up wank to me and drag me into it and demand I insert myself into conversations and situations that made me uncomfortable, which I refused to do as is my right. You can count on one hand the number of times I have actually TALKED about D on my blog. I don’t like the conversation that surrounds her, it is unpleasant, unproductive and (CLEARLY) toxic af. I don’t know why I have the ~responsibility~ to talk about things I have never talked about in the first place or what ~accountability~ I have for things I have never fucking talked about. And I NEVER said there wasn’t toxicity or issues in the fandom when we talked and on the NUMEROUS occasions where they continued to try to show me wank when I specifically said I was trying to AVOID WANK and had it Blacklisted, TS-ed, blocked, and filtered all I possibly could. They were forcing things on me that I was not seeing BY DESIGN for my own personal reasons which I explained to them on more than one occasion. Me saying “I didn’t fucking see this” isn’t me saying “that didn’t happen,” CLEARLY it happened given that they showed it to me. They are just completely misrepresenting what occurred here.

(Oh and not to mention that the times that I DID get involved or try to do something, they were deemed “not good enough“ or “not supportive enough” or “not specific enough.” Remember the Love Train thing I tried to do to be supportive after the whole Campfire Fuckplot bullshit? Yeah, apparently that was me just trying to “bury them in wank.” Like, I cannot even EXPLAIN to y’all how draining and degrading and fucking depressing it is to have people CONSTANTLY nitpicking your every goddamn move and word trying to find some kind of insidious intent and make everything you do or say a personal insult to them. To CONSTANTLY have people hinting at or vague blogging about or a lot of times just down right telling you what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person and friend you are. To be CONSTANTLY accused of using people for popularity, of being fake, of lying, of gaslighting. And all this coming from people who are supposed to be your “friends,” it’s NEVER ENDING and it’s just awful to be around tbqh.)

(And it’s REALLY CUTE and SUPER CONVENIENT that the part about “oh wait lol I DIDN’T ACTUALLY SEND HER THOSE OR SHOW HER ANYTHING!!!” didn’t make it into the original call out post. Nooo no no, that call out post is just about how I’m a lying bitch who no one wants to be friends with because I’m fucking shady, and that’s what is making the rounds and that is what people are believing.)

Or how that part about me “reblogging with a rebuttal” is a FLAT OUT FUCKING LIE, given this is the post and the version of the post I reblogged…

Or how my url is NO WHERE in the notes of the 2 year old post she posted a screenshot of that is somehow supposed to prove my ~insidious knowledge~ of something…

A post which I do not remember seeing… I very well might have; but like I said, it has been 2 years, and it’s not a time I particularly care to look back on or think about. (I was also being placed on meds for the first time due to the personal/mental health issues I referenced at that point and my doctor was trying to figure out which dosages I needed so I was out of it A LOT.) Nor does this post refer Hitler at any point, which is supposedly what I am being a “fucking liar” about having never seen.

Or how those DM screenshots (of our private conversation from over a year ago) don’t say a fucking WORD about Hitler…

Or how she left out the original part of the Twitter thread where I specifically stated that it is the “D is Hitler” argument that I’ve never seen. (and for the last time: NO, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE IN FANDOM SAY THAT!)

And left out the ENTIRE rest of the twitter thread/conversation in question (which does not say ANYTHING about albinism). And in which I did NOT say that I have never seen anyone comparing D or the Targs to other things like Nazis, nor deny that there are any problems with this fandom being toxic (because, i mean, lol CLEARLY there fucking are)…

(**this is where the tweet in the photo above would go but I’m not putting it in again because that would be redundant**)

(Links to this whole twitter exchange for anyone who wants them: x, x, x, x)

Or how this person is accusing me of just caring about ~popularity~ and wanting to maintain my “BNF-ness” and gain “popularity points;” an issue THEY are fixated on (and have brought up and accused me and other people of in multiple times in multiple conversations) not me (x, x)…

Or where they have straight up admitted to keeping tabs on me (or hate scrolling i think is the term the ~youths~ are using nowadays) on twitter even though we do not follow each other on twitter (or on here), and we are not on speaking terms and haven’t been for some time, and they have stated they wanted to curate me out of their fandom experience (x)…

Or where this person is bringing up private and very personal shit (that I told them in confidence because I thought they were my friend and that I could trust them) because they hate me (x)…

**Backhandedly referencing the fucking terrible depression I was going through at the time where I couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. A fact that I, again, told her in confidence because she was supposed to be my friend and I trusted her.

(Also, this wasn’t the worst few months of MY fandom life. My fandom life doesn’t revolve about YOU or the things YOU care about, believe it or not. I’d have to sit down and think about when the worst time of my fandom life was. There are a few points in time that are strong contenders. But I gotta say… right now is NOT PARTICULARLY FUCKING FUN.)

AND bringing up personal things that happened between us which have nothing to do with what they are accusing me of or the situation at hand…

And for the fucking record: yes, our friendship crumbling DOES stick out in my mind. There are several events and things said that I remember VERY CLEARLY which happened over a number of months. I have NO DESIRE to get into all of that, I personally don’t like airing my dirty laundry for everyone to see or broadcasting my personal issues with someone like it’s one of those fucking Jerry Springer talk shows… But given the fact that the last text this person sent me was about 5 months ago on October 10, 2018 (yes, I have “receipts.” but no, I am not posting them. I, for one, don’t like violating the trust people had in my or their privacy by posting stuff from our private conversations) over a YEAR after this wank happened in September 2017, the dissolution of our friendship has very little to do with THIS.

Or how that was a call out post made up completely of misrepresentations and flat out lies, yet ironically has the goddamn NERVE to call ME a “fucking liar.” And that it was full of false information that she “stands by” and is not only LEAVING UP to let it continue to spread through out the fandom, but also NOT CHANGING OR CORRECTING the part where SHE FUCKING LIED. And how now I am having people like YOU who didn’t even read the post or look at anything she said (which is nothing) calling me a fucking liar too.

Or about how all of this (whatever ~this~ is or whatever tf they were trying to prove) probably has nothing to do with the incident in question in the first place. No, this is more about their person feelings on ME and the shit that went down between us and whatever ~sins~ they feel I have committed against them. And that I didn’t let them boss me around and do what they told me to do and fall in line or CONTINUE to let them use me as their fandom punching bag and take out all their fandom frustrations (that had nothing to do with me and that I could do nothing about) out on me. And that they are using this as an excuse to lash out at me and come after me with bullshit that ISN’T EVEN TRUE. They are straight up, flat out using LIES to call ME a liar… I don’t fucking like this, I don’t want to “Go” or “Do This.” In fact, I fucking hate this; it makes me feel icky and I just want it to be over. But I am NOT going to just not stand up for myself. Of course THIS isn’t the shit that will get spread around or that people will see or believe, but I’m not going to let myself just take it lying down.

DON’T call me a lunatic, DON’T demand I take responsibility for shit I didn’t do and didn’t say, DON’T call me a fucking liar, and DON’T come into my ask with this crap again.

Hate me all you want, you clearly aren’t the first and I’m sure you won’t be the last… but DO NOT SPREAD LIES ABOUT ME.

[violetsystems]

#personal

When people wonder how long I’ve spent being ignored down here like everybody else it’s nothing compared to how long I’ve held the same job.  Truly one of the things I’ve been most successful with in proving consistency has been my work ethic.  It helps that it returns financial compensation and benefits not that any of that impresses anyone these days.  I say that work is work a lot and leave it at that.  It is important to note I work in an extremely liberal environment.  I don’t mind being inclusive in fact I think it’s more rewarding in the long run.  You expect that respecting people’s right to be will create an atmosphere that encourages you to do the same.  This is the Utopian vision of liberal America that always has it’s heart in the right place but fumbles upon execution.  Mainly because accepting people in America seems to be largely an egocentric experience.  We the people.  Wait who are we all again really?  It’s true I don’t really feel much in line with extreme politics on either side these days.  I spent years soul searching after making dance music on how to do something more important.  I volunteered for a Korean American Festival for three years back in 2011 through 2013.  That imploded in such a Tarantino-esque way like everything else in my life.  People come together and power struggles emerge out of the vacuum.   Around 2013 I worked with a collective of mostly women from my school in a project called Collective Cleaners.  It was a project about cleaning and the value of human labor.  I learned how to weave rags from old bedsheets.  We did a year long show at Jane Addams Hull House at UIC.  I could go on and on right.   But it seems like I’m telling a joke about my life with no actual punchline.  Like I’m mockumentary in the flesh.  Here I am still out here ambiguous proving myself to some phantom army.  And here I am still not good enough for America staring it in the face.  After all this my life is still a fucking joke to people in the worst and most hurtful way.  It becomes exhausting to remind people you have acted on solutions to these modern problems.  Nobody cares about me and what I do about it year after year.  Trust me I get that part by now.  That’s what it seemed like for awhile.  And then I had the painful realization that the work never stops.  And it seems like I’m all alone doing all the work.  To be truthful a lot of the work and expectations follow me around after I leave my day job.  On my lunch break I had to break up a fight between a white christian woman and a fake monk on Michigan before it happened.  The woman came running down the street making a sign of the cross with her fingers.  I stepped in front of her and calmly asked her what the fuck she was doing.  She ran away in opposite direction.  Where’s my comic book Marvel?  

For all the things I’ve done I’m still just as mistrusted and questionable in the eyes of the social elite.  I’m never quite good enough.  Never quite valid enough to prove I’m just as just viable as a closet misogynist with a six figure salary.  I’ve been questionable for years only to realize that nobody has any answers for me on how to be otherwise without being me.  Other than me.  And so in the end only I really know how successful this has all been.  And only I know when it’s appropriate to stay the course or give up entirely.  I haven’t given up.  That’s self confidence talking.  And sometimes you have to lead yourself forward towards some sort of progress through the hazy chaos.  I spent an entire year answering political calls and surveys out of guilt.  Mostly due to what I would hear from my peers about the intrinsic value of being politically aware and woke in the arts.  When it comes to American politics I do participate at bare minimum in voting.  One robocall asked my political leanings.  I said left.  “So I’ll mark you down as progressive.”  I didn’t know how I felt about it at the time.  Progressive in Illinois is a strange beast.  We elected a billionaire for Governor and a lawyer for Mayor.  At surface level that sounds horrible and I guess the more you dig into Chicago and Illinois politics you’d find the same shit.  You need money in America to have a say in politics regardless of how many free speech arguments you win on the Internet.  You can of course vote and it would be remiss to say I haven’t seen progress in that.  As of January we have recreational Marijuana and abortion legal across the state.  I have seen the drug war up close and personal.  It sounds like I’m a vice news reporter.  I’ve probably nudged up against them too in the field but they pretend I don’t exist.  Maybe that’s a parable of the drug war and the media industrial complex.  Maybe shit was lame.  All I know is through a series of miracles in the democratic process smoking weed in Chicago isn’t as dangerous to your personal freedom as it used to be.  Making friends in public still is.  Welcome to snitchville.  Whereas New York is up close but never personal Chicago is your best friend and your arch enemy at the same time.  Progressive politics signifies that things move on, evolve and change.  I’ve read enough news feeds to understand the Governor made whatever possible by crossing the aisles.  Which can be read as compromise.  That’s government.  I’m a private citizen in America.  Or so one would think.  There’s endless commentary about how people like me don’t do enough.  Americans love to talk all day about privacy and talk can be cheap.  Facing the realities of a growing surveillance state that likes to masquerade as the land of the free is troubling.  So can facing the reality your favorite punk rock festival is using public space for profit in under served neighborhoods.  I’m more concerned about white dad rock masquerading as punk.  But insecure men would rather lash out at the me too movement than rock the boat.  You pick your battles right?  Generally when I’ve been the one to stand up to things it’s been about not moving backwards in terms of progressive beliefs.  I believe in a woman’s right to choose.  I got targeted on the street all summer because of it by Christians who thought it was ok to bring it to my face.  I didn’t get a medal and I sure as fuck didn’t really get a pat on the back.  I still have my secret support systems but I don’t have the luxury any more of hiding from who I am and what I believe.  I often stand by myself and what I believe and suffer for it.  Or worse it gets hijacked, misunderstood, and misrepresented by someone’s interpretation of what I’m trying to say.  And I sit here every Saturday morning wondering if I’ve made any progress in being happy at all.  

After failing so much in everything you get a little tired of falling for the same old tricks.  The personal is the most political you can be and I have years of resistance to draw from.  Nobody ever wants me to be me even after all the passionate posts on the internet about what I believe.  It goes nowhere.  There are people who do understand and people I trust.  But the reality in America is that is few and far between in public space.  The propaganda that we’re all free is largely based on some huge stipulations.  Money is one of them.  I work for a non profit.  You can do the math.  It feels like everything that the Left wanted me to be based on critique is largely ignored unless I have my wallet out.  And even then I’ve been happier being less liberal with my money in places where it isn’t respected.  I guess I could run away to Hong Kong and start over.  The irony of that is pretty funny right now.  I haven’t talked to that side of the family in a while since I’ve been off Facebook.  I haven’t left the country since I came back from China, Korea and Japan by myself since the first summit between Moon Jae-in and the other guy.  I don’t know that I feel very safe leaving the country.  I don’t feel very safe leaving my house these days.  So do I shrivel up and waste away hoping somebody will save me.  What have I done to deserve all this I’m not sure.  I’ve spent over three years clocking in hundreds of miles running around desolate and abandoned areas of Chicago.  What am I really afraid of at this point?  Dying alone and forgotten?  I feel dead inside already every day.  I have no hope any of this will change no matter how much we sit and argue about it.  Nobody does anything.  Nobody is out there with me other than the people close to my heart.  Nobody invites me to a special club other than me at my kitchen table on a Saturday morning.  For all the good I’ve done I’m still the first person to scapegoat as ‘problematic’ after all these years.  And I can’t even profit off it on the internet?  That’s a joke.  If listening to all these criticisms and taking them to heart got me where I am why do we still pay so much attention to Dave Chapelle’s career and for profit opinion?  I’m invisible.  Just like all the victims out there who are invalidated when somebody says they’re over reacting to sexual abuse and harassment.  I think America has enough problems that nobody wants to confront without us having an opinion about any other country’s sovereign dirty laundry.  And this is where I think we can all learn a little something about progress.  I got to where I am by believing in myself and resisting people’s judgements of who I am.  I got there by challenging my own perspective and growing into my own by putting my ideas into practice.  It hasn’t been easy.  It has been largely thankless and a complete mind fuck.  But I haven’t been alone as much as it seems.  People use so many words and get nowhere.  And then people learn how to communicate without ever opening their mouth.  People can say they love you all day long.  I’m always going to be out here showing you just how much it means to me regardless of who sees it and how they feel about it.  In that I err on the side of consistency.  If that makes me a loser I’m happy with the results.  <3 Tim