#I’ve been so jumpy and unfocused

[scribesofcalamity]

A quick small piece of vent art.

Avoid the tags,I am putting all the Blegh stuff there. Things are rough right now and have been for multiple weeks….but I am holding on. I’m going to try and do sketches for the rest of the people I want to hit for art fight. I’m going to catch up on my work and keep doing well. I’m going to have a good weekend with my partner. I’m going to be ok. It is going to be ok.

[randomfandomlov3]

The One - Songfic

Bucky Barnes x Female reader

Word count- 4,642

Author's Note - this is inspired by the song The One by Terry Clark. I love this song and I just felt like this would be a cute story. I'm not great at editing so it may contain some errors. Thank you for reading <3

Italics = lyrics

Warnings: Country music lyrics, fluff, wedding, talk of a child, the reader is briefly mentioned as liking multiple genders. Let me know if I missed any.

I hear the whispers as I walk by They always start with 'bless her heart' She's still single and that's such an empty life She must not be looking all that hard

I walked through the halls of the tower. Don’t know when my love life became the center of attention around here, but for some reason it was.

Nat who had been talking to me noticed my distraction. “Hey, you have really become a popular topic lately,” She said with a laugh causing me to shrug.

“She must not want to find someone, being single for as long as she has must be lonely.” I heard an agent, I had never met before, whisper to their friends, while staring at me.

They've all got their stories Of why I'm still alone But the only truth that matters is my own

“I think she was hurt by someone and now doesn’t want to love,” one of them gave as a story instead.

“No she is still in the closet and afraid to love a woman,” The third came up with which made me so utterly confused. I have never been shy about my sexuality, it’s a part of me just like everything else. And all of my friends have tried to suggest to me people that they would be interested in. It hits me that these agents don’t know me at all, but they are just looking for something to gossip about.

“Don’t listen to them, I’m sure you have your reasons to be picky,” Nat said watching me stare at them.

I sighed as we made our way over to the couch. I had been on multiple dates, some chosen by me, some by others, including Nat, but none of them were what I was looking for. Most of them were decent people but there just wasn’t the connection I wanted.

“Hello? Are you listening to me?” Nat said waving her hand in front of my face.

I shook my head refocusing on the room around me. “Sorry, Nat, was lost in thought, what were you saying?” I gave her a sheepish smile; it wasn’t uncommon for me to lose focus lately.

She gave me a playful nudge on the arm, as she started speaking. “So I found this really nice guy that I think you will really like but would you please give him a fair shot tonight. I’m not asking you to want to marry him, but maybe just a second date?” That was her biggest thing, I always said that I had a fine time on the dates, some I even praised, but I never went on a second one. I was so focused on her, that I didn’t notice Bucky walk into the room.

“What are you girls talking about?” His voice startled me, and I swear I jumped 3 feet in the air. Bucky chuckled. “For a trained assassin, you have been really jumpy and unfocused lately. What’s up with that?”

My body deflated as I turned to look at him. “Nat was just telling me about a new date, she has set up for me. She’s hoping that this one makes it past the first date. If it doesn't though, I am taking a break from dating because that is why I have been so easily startled, because I have been on so many dates, that I have rarely had a night to relax to myself.” I missed the way his eyes flashed to sadness because of my exhaustion. I’ve never slept great especially after dates because I go through my thoughts and half the time question my own decisions.

The one thing that I hadn’t told anyone yet though is that I wanted someone that I could see the full future with. That was how I have scared off some prospects.

I want fireworks to paint the sky A kiss to burn my lips I wanna feel the touch that pounds my heart Down to my fingertips

After swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Bucky asked, “Why haven’t you? What are you waiting for?” Nat noticed the way that I won’t look him in the eyes. We never really hung out together, always leading different mission teams and training at different times of the day, so we barely knew each other, and that made Nat curious.

I shrugged. “I don’t really know, but while yes, I know it sounds cliché, I want to feel that spark with someone. I want the fireworks that you hear about in books and movies. I want their touch to make my heartbeat faster and send tingles all the way to my fingers and toes.” I stared at the floor thinking about what if I never found that kind of love.

And twenty years from now It still won't be as good as it will get It might be a lot to ask for But I won't take any less

“I want a life partner, not just someone to date and hang around with. I know I am probably asking for too much, but that is what I want, and I won’t compromise on that.” I stood up to pace, having gotten antsy talking about my love life.

“Good for you, Doll. I am happy that you know what you want out of your relationship.” Bucky said. Neither of us picked up on the use of doll, but Natasha did. I was rather confused though, as to why he even cared because we barely knew each other.

Just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without

“Why don’t you just settle for someone and build that life and connection with them. Or do you never plan to settle down?” Nat asked getting back to my dating issues and tearing my gaze away from Bucky.

I sighed, I didn’t expect most people to understand, but being constantly asked about things like that was rather annoying after a while. “I will settle down when I find the right person. I don’t want a love that I can live with. I want the one that I can’t live without, and I have faith that I will find that kind of love one day. But if you both will excuse me, I have to go get ready for another date.”  I slumped my shoulders as I gave them both a soft smile and headed to my bedroom.

Nat never had a terrible taste in options for me, but they all seemed much more interested that I know The Black Widow, than any thing about me. Some were even only doing this to please her, in hopes that maybe she would date them. The others who did actually care about me, were really deterred when I asked what their life plans would be, and I expressed my feelings. So as I put on one of my nice dresses and did my hair and make-up, I couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about this.

All my dates were set up at the same restaurant to make it easy to remember where I was going or something like that, but I think the wait staff are starting to either be weirded out or feel pity for me. I was seated with the reservation. I didn’t even have to place my drink order, my waitress knew it very well by now. She had served me on many different dates. I wanted to wait to order until he got there but it was already ten minutes passed the time that was agreed on. Normally I wouldn’t be too upset, but I was running on little sleep and I don’t know why but it felt like he on purposely was not respecting my time.

I put in an order for an appetizer figuring that would be an acceptable thing to order before hand. It came out and he still wasn’t here. I checked my phone to see if maybe he was running late, or Nat knew something. I had no messages and I realized that it was now 30 minutes after when we were supposed to meet.

“Is there anything else I can get for you, while you wait?” She was the sweetest waitress I had ever met. I had actually confided in her a few times after my dates had left.

“Umm, not yet, but if he’s not here in 15 minutes I am just going to order, why waste a trip to a restaurant right.” I laughed to ease some of the tension.

He never did show up. I had a wonderful dinner by myself, and my waitress was the loveliest person I had ever met. She told me about her working this job to save up to move into an apartment with her partner. Since Tony was also in on trying to set me up on dates, and in fact often paid for my meals, I gave her some extra money to put towards it.

Momma's always getting on me She says I don't give anyone a chance But if I can't feel the music when somebody holds me How am I supposed to dance?

My mom was coming by the tower today, to see how I’ve been. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of my love life. She was never pleased with my answers about things. We were walking through the halls toward the common room where anybody not on a mission right now would gather.

“From what Natasha has told me, you're not even giving anybody a chance to be the one.” I loved my mom truly, but my father was not a good man, and I don’t want to go through what she did. I sometimes wondered if my mom settled for my father, because she felt like she was running out of time, or maybe just patience with the whole dating scene. Not that I blamed her it could be exhausting.

We got to the common room, and it was mostly empty. “I just don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t going to last. If I can’t hear their beat, how am I supposed to follow along with their dance? I know I’m not meant for everybody, but I am meant for somebody.” I said as Natasha walks into the room.

“Hey, it’s lovely to see you again.” Nat gave my mom a big hug. “How have you been?”

My mother laughed at the assassin’s enthusiasm. “It is wonderful to see you again too dear. I have been well.” She gave me a side glance. “Been trying to get this one to settle down.” I looked between the two of them uncomfortably, but neither of them noticed.

“Actually, that is what I was coming to find her for. I found this wonderful guy, that I think he fits what you are looking for perfectly. And I promise he won’t stand you up. The date will be tomorrow, but he doesn’t use a cell phone much, so I will be the main point of contact between the two of you.” She got very excited that she might have just solved my dating trouble. Little did I know she had given the same speech to my date, as he also had high expectations of love.

“Ooh, you will have to tell me all about it. remember to be a lady and to actually give the guy a chance.” My mom ranted on in a long speech about love.

There might be a few more lonely nights But I'm not keeping score It's worth the wait for what I'm waiting for

As I went to bed that night, I stared at the ceiling wondering how many more lonely nights it would take. Not that I was counting, they were worth what I hope to find one day. Sometimes the loneliness got to me though. Laying there was not going to be productive so I figured maybe I would get some training in, maybe that would relax me enough.

I got down to the training room and decided what I was going to start with, after I stretched some. What I didn’t realize was that was Bucky’s usual training time. I looked up from my spot on the floor and once again startled upon seeing the sneaky man.

“You really should be sleeping with how jumpy you’ve been.” Bucky offered with a smile. His smile made my heart flutter, and I wondered what was going on.

“Yeah, well I can’t, because I keep thinking about the next date Nat has set me up on, and that my mom is even starting to get impatient with my dating habits.” I shrugged and I thought I caught a glimpse of hurt in Bucky’s eyes, but I must have been mistaken.

He took the mat beside me. “That must be tough. But I might be joining the club soon, Steve told me that I should start dating again since I was quite the ladies man, back in the 40’s. so he set me up on my first date and I’ll be honest I am kind of scared, that I am going to screw this up.” His words felt like a punch to the gut, why was I reacting like this. He kept his eyes on the mat in front of him.

“I can’t offer too much advice, but I will say, know what you want. And stick to it, it’s not easy but settling for someone who is not what you truly want is going to be detrimental to both of you.” I offered as I got up to start my workout.

Most of our training went by in silence with the occasional word. I fell asleep almost instantly when I got back to my room.

Fireworks to paint the sky A kiss to burn my lips I wanna feel the flesh that pounds my heart Down to my fingertips

I got on my favourite dress because I had a unique feeling of hope before this date. I went down to the common room to meet up with Nat, she said she was going to drop me off this time because she had errands to run.

“Wow, you look really beautiful, I’ve never seen you wear that dress before.” She said as she had me spin for her.

“This has always been my favourite dress, but I had never worn it on a date, before this one. I don’t know something in me said to wear it.” I played with the skirt of the dress. Nat smiled at me but before she could comment again Steve walked into the room.

“You look beautiful, will this be the date that sticks.” Steve joked giving me a hug.

“Thank you, but what are you doing here Steve?” I playfully elbowed him.

He laughed. “I’m waiting for Buck. He has a date tonight.” Steve turned to face where Bucky should be coming from.

My smile dropped. “Oh that’s tonight. Well, wish him luck for me. Nat, I think we should get going.” Staring at my shoes I didn’t notice Bucky walk up, until I heard his breath catch.

“Tell him yourself.” Steve pushed gently. I looked up and saw Bucky staring at me with his mouth wide open. “Buck, your gonna catch flies, you might want to close your mouth.” Steve joked nudging Bucky out of his trance.

“Wow, Doll, you look stunning. Your date is really lucky.” He tried to hide the blush on his cheeks by staring at his shoes.

I had never seen Bucky dressed up before, he looked perfect. Maybe I should blow off my date tonight. “Thanks, you look really handsome. Good luck on your date.” I whispered before Nat started to pull me away. She was dragging me all the way to the car. “Nat, what if I just don’t go on the date?” She laughed obviously having expected that question.

“I really think that you will enjoy this date.” She started to drive me to the restaurant.

I watched the cars out the window and thought about how lucky Bucky’s date would be. We get out at the restaurant. “Why are you getting out Nat?”

She giggled as she continued to walk forward. I followed her over to where Steve was standing with Bucky. “Really is Bucky’s date here too? And what is Steve doing here?” Steve and Nat were killing themselves laughing at this point.

“We are grabbing some food to go, before we go on our mission, and you two are going on your date.” Nat said as Steve talked to the hostess. We didn’t put two and two together until the hostess asked us both to follow her.

The blush that covered my face, made my waitress smile, even though I tried to hide it. We both placed our orders, knowing what we liked from here, and she told us she would be back shortly.

“So, um, how have you been?” I asked not looking up to meet his eyes. His hands fidgeted on the table.

“I’ve been alright.” Bucky decided to take a risk. “Better now that you're my date.” My eyes widened as I looked up at him completely shocked. “Look, Doll, I know neither of us expected this, but why don’t you treat this like any other date that you have been through in the past months. We don’t know each other very well, so if there’s nothing there romantically, we could just call this a get to know each other.” I giggled as he tried to figure out how to word what he was saying.

“Okay, but I want you to be honest about how things feel for you too, because I don’t want you to try to placate me.” I gave him a serious look, to which he nodded.

“You have my word, Doll.” He gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen from him. “But I already know my feelings.” Bucky whispered just quiet enough that I couldn’t hear him.

I hummed. “Normally I would ask my dates questions about what they do for work, or about their family, but well, we work together, and I don’t want to bring up anything uncomfortable.” The awkward laugh that left my mouth made the situation feel worse. I was fidgeting with my utensils, until Bucky put his hand on top of mine. His touch covered me in goosebumps. It felt so warm and safe.

“Doll, relax it’s alright. My ma was a wonderful woman, and I think that she would have loved you. My sister, Rebecca, she definitely would have teased us, but it would have been in a loving way. Steve has always been like a brother to me, and well you know him. I might not have all my memories back, but I have pieces. I promise that I will tell you if I am uncomfortable with a question, doll.” The look in Bucky’s eyes was very melancholic, but in a happy and peaceful way. I felt like I could stare into his eyes for the rest of my life and never get bored, and always feel at home.

Our waitress came back with our food and a big smile on her face. Of all the dates she had seen me on, none of them made me smile the way that this man was. We both thanked her for bringing us our food, which was another refreshing change with Bucky. Not a lot of the other men thanked the waitress, and that was one of many red flags I saw for them, so it’s not surprising.

“Now Doll, can I ask you a question?” Bucky’s hand found mine again, and he stroked the back of my knuckles. I nodded with a soft smile. “Have you felt that spark that you wanted to feel?” My breath caught as he repeated my words back to me.

“Yeah, yea, I think I did. I do every time that you touch me. What about you do I fit within what you are looking for?” I asked hopeful that maybe, I had finally found my person. Subconsciously, I had started to rub his hand that was still holding mine, in anticipation. I could feel his stare burning into my face, hoping I would look up so he could tell me eye to eye, but when I didn’t look up he brought his gloved hand up to tilt my chin up.

“Yes, Doll, you fit what I was looking for down to a T. In fact, I tried to get Steve to let me blow off my date, to hang out with you. You were exactly what I was looking for.” The blush matched his smile as uncharacteristic, but to me, they were both absolutely beautiful.

I giggled as I thought about the drive over with Nat. “I tried to get Nat to let me out of mine to be with you. It’s funny that they knew before we did.” I leaned into his gloved hand which had worked it’s way to my cheek.

And twenty years from now It still won't be as good as it will get It might be a lot to ask for But I won't take any less

“Are you ready to see it?” Nat asked, holding up a mirror when I nodded, so I could see the back of my hair. It was so special to be surrounded by my girls today.

“Okay, time to get you dressed.” Wanda said with a flourish of the garment bag, which held the most precious item in that room. The smile on my face said it all, today was going to be one of the best days of my life. I put the beautiful white dress on, and the girls do it up.

“You look beautiful. I am so glad that I got to be part of this journey with you.” I looked over at one of my bridesmaids who just so happened to have been my waitress.

“I am glad that you could be a part of it too because you were always so sweet to me during those terrible dates.” I laughed just full of joy, excited to be spending my life with my person. The girls get into their dresses too and then there is a knock on the door. Wanda goes to check who it is, and then lets my mother in.

“Darling, you look so beautiful. I am so glad you found someone so good.” My mother tried to fight the tears from her baby growing up and just how beautiful I looked.

“I am happy too. Even like twenty years from now, I can still see us happy, and falling more in love.” I thought about the life that I would build with Bucky and my smile got even wider. I was so lost in thought I didn’t look at the time.

“Okay let’s save that for your vows.” Nat laughed knowing that we needed to get going. I gave her a big smile and hug, before we headed down to the waiting area we had set up.

Nat squeezed my hand one more time before handing me my flowers. She walked out with the elegance that she always seemed to exude. I took a deep breath knowing that it was now my turn to walk down the isle. The rest of my life starts today. I am glad I didn’t settle for anyone less than the handsome man trying to hold back his tears at the alter.

Just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without

“Please read your vows to each other.” Our officiant said signalling me to go first. I looked into Bucky’s eyes and took a deep breath.

“First to all the people who were wondering when I would settle and settle down, I am glad I didn’t because I found the person, I had been looking for all my life. Bucky, you are everything to me. I still have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure this is real. You came into my life and just changed everything, nothing looks the same without you, everything is dull and bland. You bring light into my darkness, and you give me reasons to keep doing what we do. I promise I will love you through all the good and bad that this world throws at us, as long as you promise to stay, I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I will love you forever and for always.” My voice shook at the end as the tears of love welled in my eyes. The look Bucky was giving me made me fall even harder in love.

With a deep breath Bucky pulled out his vows. “Doll, I fell in love with your idea of love, and the idea of sharing it with you long before we knew much about each other. I craved to be loved in the way that you love me, and to be touched with the gentle hands that you touch me with. For 70 years all I experienced was pain, but getting to stand here with you, makes it feel like it was somehow worth it. You know I am not great with words, but I hope that I can convey at least half of the love that I feel for you. I don’t think there is anything in this world that could make me stop loving you. I don’t think I would be able to survive this life without you by my side through it all. I promise that I will work to be better for you, and that I will love you through anything that may come up.” We exchanged our rings. Both of our eyes reflected our deepest love for each other.

“You may now kiss the bride,” the officiant said causing Bucky to put his hands on my cheeks and kiss me so passionately. We pulled away when we needed air.

“I love you Mr. Barnes.” I said keeping my arms wrapped around his neck.

“And I love you Mrs. Barnes.” Bucky leaned in to steal another kiss.

And just because I won't settle Don't mean I won't settle down I don't need a love that I can live with I want the one I can't live without Oh, I can't live without.

“You did amazing, Doll.” Bucky said rubbing my sweat-soaked forehead. Our baby had been whisked off to have the typical tests run.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.” I was exhausted but thankful that Bucky was by my side through all of labour and delivery.

“You technically, couldn’t have made her without me either, Doll.” Bucky joked trying to ease some of my lasting discomfort.

With the strength I had left I smacked his arm. “You know what I meant.” I tried to hide the smile that covered my face. I leaned my head onto him.

“Yeah, I know what you meant, and I promise I will be there whenever you need or even just want me to be.” His left arm continued to rub my overheated skin to cool it. “I can’t believe, we have a daughter now. She is absolutely beautiful just like her mama.”

I smiled into his hold. People told me to settle and asked if I ever planned on actually settling down, I hope they all get to see this life of mine and understand that everything worked the way it was supposed to. I have an amazing husband who is the love of my life and now we have a beautiful baby girl. This life has turned out better than I could have ever hoped. And I hope I never have to live without it.

[fragileizywriting]

let me have this i’m having adhd soup brain right now

adrien and kitty, before revealing identities, text each other. maybe they use an app that literally no one ever uses so that way there’s no cross contamination of contacts and texting the wrong person the wrong message.

and kitty just keeps texting him over and over one day, tears in her eyes at how frustrated she is, talking about how her adhd is so bad.

kitty: i have one video to watch today for school. ONE VIDEO. JUST A SINGLE VIDEO. it’s one hour and forty minutes.

kitty: i’ve been trying to get through this video the whole day but i can’t sit still for longer than five minutes and i’m so unfocused so jumpy so uninterested

kitty: i can’t stop crying i literally can’t do this i genuinely can’t sit still

kitty: plagg feels so bad and wishes he could cataclysm my homework

adrien reads them after he’s out of the shower, immediately texting her to come over so she can climb all over his room to get some of the mania out. she’s at his window within minutes.

[punksarahreese]

Comfort | Restart

Medtober day 3 + 4 (event by @page-doctor-bekker)

Med student!Sarah; everyone needs a real support system

Word count: 2335

CW: minor parental gaslighting/manipulation

***

Sarah had hoped no one would notice, though she quickly realized her body gave itself away all too easily. No amount of caffeine could hide the sluggishness in her movements, her limbs feeling heavier than lead. If it wasn’t that it was probably the way her voice held no cheerful tone like it usually did, instead her words fell flat and had April casting her concerned glances.

She kept to herself that day, all too exhausted to even try to be social. As long as she made it through her clinical hours she could go home and sleep, at least for a few hours. She hadn’t gotten more than six the past few days, instead pouring over her textbooks that had taken their rightful place strewn across the floor. The exam for her latest rotation was coming up and Sarah was feeling the anxiety far more than usual. That was at the fault of her mother, though the woman would say it was her daughter’s problem alone.

“Sarah, you need to stop worrying over such silly things,” she had told her over the phone, “The only thing you should focus on is school.”

“Mom…”

“Now, you know how important this is. You don’t have time for friends, it will only slow you down. My daughter will be a doctor, right? You wouldn’t let me down after all this money I’ve sent…”

It always ended like that, the passive aggressive cherry on top of narcissism. Her mother wasn’t maternal in the slightest, though she would still use her relationship to Sarah for her benefit. Sure she made certain Sarah had all the money she needed to be successful, but it all came with a price. She was expecting her daughter to make a name for herself as a doctor, which would of course leave room for bragging and manipulation on Elizabeth’s part. Sarah’s whole future rested on her mother’s money as much as it did her own success, which was an unfortunate feat she was beginning to despise.

“Reese,” if she hadn’t already been sitting down, the sudden voice on her right could have knocked her off her feet. She winced at her own jumpiness, turning to look at Connor sheepishly.

“Dr. Rhodes,” she pushed a scrap piece of medical tape into her textbook before letting it fall shut on the marked page, “Hi.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah… yes of course. Just getting some studying in.”

“Uh huh,” he looked at her for a moment and Sarah knew she probably wasn’t helping her case by looking like a whole mess, “Ava was looking for you.”

Usually a mention of her mentor would immediately grab her attention and send Sarah scurrying off to find out what she wanted. This day, however, she wanted to do the opposite. Ava could see through her in seconds and Sarah didn’t have the energy to be chastised for being spacey or distracted. She was burnt out and as much as she enjoyed being on the surgeon’s service she would much rather go home.

“Oh?” Was all she said, getting to her feet. She checked her watch, realizing it was just in time for her break to begin. Sarah gathered her textbook along with her glasses she had opted to wear that day instead of contacts. One more look at Connor preceded her reply, “I’ll go find her in a bit then.”

She didn’t look back at the fellow but she knew he was probably watching her in confusion, her attitude much different than usual. Usually she would be following after Ava like a lost puppy, so the fact that she didn’t even ask where she was was wildly out of character. Sarah didn’t have the time to worry too much about it though, a chirp from her phone letting her know her mother had more to say to her.

***

“Check on your med student.”

“What?” The look Connor got from his colleague was a guarded one, clearly she didn’t know where this was going. Connor and Sam had been pestering her for a while about her soft spot for Sarah Reese, so Ava had become accustomed to assume teasing would ensue at any mention of her.

“She looks like a mess today,” he said as he snatched a chip from the bag she had been munching on, “Bloodshot eyes and way more jumpy than usual, and that’s saying something.”

“What happened?”

Connor shrugged but couldn’t help the little smirk at how concerned Ava immediately became, “Don’t know. That’s why you should check on her.”

***

Ava found her in the locker room reserved for med students and interns, thanks to one of Sarah’s classmates who pointed their instructor in the right direction. She wasn’t sure what to expect when she nudged the door open but what she got was a bit of a shock.

Sarah was sitting in front of her locker, knees pulled up to her chest and her grey scrubs already a bit dusty from the floor. She was staring blankly at the textbook propped up on the bench, completely unfocused from the words. She mustn’t have heard Ava come in because she didn’t react, the only sound being a sniffle.

“Sarah?”

Just like Connor had pointed out, she jumped far more than she had ever before. Ava knew the medical student was on edge most days, but this seemed a bit concerning. That worry only grew when she came around the corner to face Sarah properly, not expecting quite the sight she found.

Sarah’s eyes were swollen and red, as though she had been crying for quite some time. That theory was pretty much proven by the tears tracking down her ruddy cheeks, leaving little stains where they landed on her top. Her hands shook as they worried the fabric over her knees, a rhythmic movement that must have been an unconscious thought. The med student looked like she hadn’t slept for days or like she had been to Hell and back; or maybe both.

“D-doctor Bekker,” she looked up in alarm at her mentor, very deer-in-the-headlights as if she was terrified of what she might say. Something told Ava it wasn’t a coincidence that she hadn’t seen Sarah at all that day, since the other woman looked like she had been caught red handed by just the person she didn’t want to see.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Ava was crouching beside her without a thought, “What happened to formalities making you nervous?”

“I-”

“Sarah, what’s wrong?”

The brunette’s rapid head shake sent rouge curls tumbling into her line of vision, “Nothing! I’m fine.”

“Oh yeah you definitely look fine,” she was a bit shocked with the casual way Ava dropped onto the ground beside her, seeming unlike the focused surgeon she knew. Ava should be working, not sitting on the dirty locker room floor with her medical student who had spent the whole day avoiding her like the plague. Still, she showed no signs of leaving without an explanation, which made Sarah sigh.

“My cardio rotation exam is coming up…”

“Yes and? We’ve been preparing for this for weeks, Reese. You know the content like the back of your hand.”

“I don’t… it’s not that easy,” she protested, “If I don’t do perfect on every exam from here on out I might not match into the program I want. I need to be perfect, Ava.”

“No, don’t do that. You aren’t allowed to psych yourself out like this. You will do just fine, I didn’t train you to hide from the scary stuff now did I?”

“No…”

The blonde nodded affirmatively, “Exactly. So you’ve been studying and not sleeping, I take it?”

Sarah scoffed, “What gave it away?”

“The bags under your eyes are bigger than Connor’s ego,” she teased, “Plus the fact that you haven’t put that textbook away all day and you’re shaking like you do when you’re living off of caffeine.”

“Not fair,” Sarah sighed, “Don’t psychoanalyze me; that’s doctor Charles’ job.”

“Oh I would never take his job,” Ava replied, “I have a hateful relationship with Sigmund Freud and refused to do psych after med school.”

That was what finally got a smile out of Sarah, though it was followed by an incredulous headshake. Of course Ava would say something silly or unrelated to make her feel a bit better, she always did. She shifted uncomfortably on the hard flooring, looking at her mentor cautiously.

“Why are you here, Ava?”

“Because I needed to check on you.”

“You have other things to do…”

“Sarah, you’ve been spacey and avoiding me all day. I can’t very well let my star med student blow off rounds just to sit on this Petri dish of a floor and cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, just tell me what’s really wrong so I can help.”

“I told you… exams.”

“Yeah but exam stress doesn’t often make you look like you’ve been crying for hours straight. What happened, Sarah?”

She knew she was backed into a corner, very aware of Ava’s concerned, stern eyes watching her every move. It’s not that she didn’t want to talk to her, Ava was probably the only person she wanted to talk to about this, but it wasn’t that simple.

“Exams are coming up; I’m moving to neuro in a couple weeks.”

“Yes? What… oh.” The surgeon seemed to have a sudden realization about what really was wrong. She sighed, slumping back against the locker beside Sarah’s before replying, “Reese, are you upset you won’t be on my service anymore?”

“Don’t say it like that,” she couldn’t help the whine in her tone, “I know I’m being a baby about it, just forget it.”

“No, Sarah,” the comforting hand that fell on her knee made her jump a bit, “It’s okay to be upset about it. I know you weren’t all too excited for CT in the beginning so it’s… rather endearing that you like it so much now.”

Sarah’s cheeks flamed at that and she tried to hide them behind her hands, not replying. She hated how upset the thought of rotation change made her, especially since she never even wanted to do cardio. Pathology was going to be her specialty in the end so that’s the residency she was applying for. She had no reason to feel so attached to cardiothoracics, not to mention the gut wrenching worry that Ava would forget about her.

“Hey,” Ava nudged her gently, “Sarah?”

“My mom is on my ass,” she admitted suddenly, “She’s very controlling and our whole relationship is based on money. She expects me to only think about school and stop ‘playing around’ in clinicals because I’m supposed to go to path in the end. That’s why I wanted to hate cardio, I shouldn’t have gotten attached.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she shook her head, “It’s irrational the way she makes me so anxious but… I need to do perfect, Ava. I can’t afford any other outcome, you know?”

“That’s far too much pressure on you,” Ava looked at her seriously, “You’re allowed to have a life, Sarah.”

“Not in her eyes. I have to be a pathologist first and a human second or my mother won’t be happy.”

“And what about you? Are you going to be happy?”

“That doesn’t… it doesn’t matter.”

The blonde scoffed, “That’s rubbish and you know it. You can’t do your best if you aren’t sleeping and you sure as hell won’t do well in something you’re not passionate about.”

“But-.”

“No arguing,” she couldn’t help the small amusement at Sarah’s immediate compliance, “Please take care of yourself, Reese. Do this for you, not anyone else, or you’ll regret it.”

Ava didn’t wait for an answer, instead she got to her feet and dusted off her dark pants. She held out a hand for Sarah, looking at her with expectant eyes. The student let herself be tugged up off the floor, though she had trouble holding eye contact for very long.

“Sarah?”

She hummed in reply, busy wiping ruefully at the tears that had started to fall again during their talk. She saw the worry in her mentor’s face and it hurt a lot more than she wanted to admit. Ava Bekker cared for her of all people and here she was spending the day sulking and avoiding her.

“Come here.”

She was a bit taken aback when the blonde opened her arms, offering a hug for the first time. She wasn’t a physically affectionate person as far as Sarah had seen, not with her students especially. Still, it had been a very long time since she had received any sort of comfort like that and she had a hard time finding a response.

Eventually she did melt cautiously into Ava’s arms, surprised by how strong and secure they felt.

The surgeon didn’t say anything, just let Sarah lean into her until she relaxed into the embrace like expected. It was clear the other woman didn’t get a lot of physical comfort and Ava felt her stomach twinge a bit at how socially distant Sarah seemed. She deserved a support system, especially in such a competitive med program, and it broke her heart to realize she didn’t have much of one.

“Listen, you are a brilliant student, even if you have trouble with confidence. Enjoy neuro, don’t waste that time being upset and instead learn as much as you can. Don’t doubt yourself or downplay your abilities just because you think you should be in a lab instead. You would make an amazing surgeon, Sarah, whether it’s in CT or not.”

“Ava,” her reply was muffled slightly by her hair, “I don’t…”

“Just put yourself first, okay? And don’t be afraid to ask for guidance. Even if I’m not your mentor anymore once your rotation is up… I’m here, I promise.”

Sarah couldn’t think of a meaningful reply, overwhelmed by it all but still soothed by the lilac scent that was so Ava. All she could do was mumble a “thank you”, but in that moment it was more than enough.

[cyberdva]

The Haunting Of Queen Mary's Castle-  C.B  ~P.1☆

 ☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

Main Masterlist

Colby Brock Masterlist

Summary: Sam and Colby had the bright idea to drag their friends to Scotland, and where would the perfect video location be? How about Queen Mary’s haunted castle? It didn’t help that aspiring physic, Y/N wasn’t too happy to head out of the country, but Colby was there to help. And maybe he wanted something more than being there to help her. Could the spirits be on his side for once?

Word Count: 4k

Date Uploaded:  8/31/20

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: This fic is from the vault. I wrote this around January of this year, I start school again in two days and the work and stress load is going to be horrible, especially with it being half in person, half online. I hope to get some more creativity back when more pressure is put on me. I have plenty of ideas with just not enough passion and time. It’ll trickle back one day.

 ☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

“Holy Shit…” Colby held his camera closer to his chest as he walked closer towards the breathtaking Neidpath Castle. It’s aura seemed to engulf the curiosity of the young man. His friends splurged on a ten hour trip to Scotland for a quick Youtube video series, he knew near the end, half of them would be begging to go home. The comical routine played its key role in every single episode, no matter what the occasion was. It did make good money to be completely honest. Although, that wasn’t the main focus of their careers. He found himself under a tall bridge-like banister connecting its way to the entire estate. Next to him was his long time roommate, Corey. He sported a bright yellow hoodie in large contrast with Colby’s black one. It was sort of funny, each of his friends had a unique personality, yet connected so well. Of course, they were wearing their own merch. It helped the sales go up, not to mention it was awfully comfortable. A perk to the business if you say.

“And we thought the church was cool…” Sam, Colby’s best friend and other handler of the videography series on their channel, gaped in front of him. This place was bigger than any other private plot they’ve ever visited! It was a couple thousand dollars to rent out for the night, but with the palace’s history it was born to make a hefty income.

“We have this all to ourselves!” Colby nudged Sam, he handed the camera off to his friend Jake, who was talking a mile a minute to the other attendees. A new face poked out of the regular bunch.

“Are you gonna catch me when I get scared, Y/N?” Jake stuck his face in the view of the content woman. Her persona seemed quite drained due to the long trip. She was partially new to the Youtube platform, especially with ghost hunting. Not like Y/N was easily frightened, unlike her friends, it just wasn’t her go to for a cheap thrill. Nerves were indefinitely strained, since it was the first time out with the entire group. Nothing Jake couldn’t fix.

Her laugh trickled out blissfully, ”Wouldn’t Tara get jealous? You don't want to get on her bad side? Do you?” He quickly shook his head and gave a hesitant reply with his sheepish smile.

“We get this all to ourselves?” Colby queried. This place was double the size of the Trap House by far, they had to be scared shitless by the time they left. There had to be some sort of restrictions or a down sided catch to it all.

“Did you do any research on this place?” Y/N  slid up behind the unfocused main man, a small quirk to her. Colby jumped a smidge in light shock. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be genuinely interested with the property. Colby mentally cursed for being so jumpy.

“Jesus Y/N, you scared the shit out me.” He replied, not answering the girl’s question. Y/N met Sam and Colby way back in highschool. Each of them slithered their way into the other’s channels and have made frequent appearances. They definitely weren’t strangers, even though it seemed that way with fans. Y/N had more paranormal encounters out of all of the boys, despite a bit of distaste towards the topic. She was lugged around on long adventures to help them with videos. Some of her videos ranged from ‘‘accidentally’ joining a cult to “selling her soul”. She was the wicca-pedia they needed to not get possessed each trip.

“Ok pussy.” She walked off to talk to Corey, the pair oddly all had a strong connection from somewhere, and Colby sighed as to quickly put on his cheery online persona once more.

Sam waved up at a vacant window as the group, “Hello!” The woman replied unknowingly and aroused quite a shock of embarrassment. A faint giggling came from the couple in the back, “No,no, I do it better.” Corey got a hold of herself, “A Ra-Ta-Ta-tah.” The two burst back into their ceremonial laughs and briefed on about some TikToks they watched on the remotely silent ride from the airport. 

Sam turned back around to see the shorter woman. Notwithstanding her first place in line, “How is he gonna get a kiss kiss? Very ugly to me!” The duo rounded up to each other and laughed on their way up the trail, leaving the others confused and focused on talking to the groundskeeper.

“I’m assuming you are the caretaker of this?” The blonde one waved more at the older woman. She seemed more on the reserved side and peeled her eyes at the sight of a camera. A lovely addition to the already uncomfortable scene.

The woman gracefully approached Sam, “Yes, Yes I am. My name is Katrina.” Sam went on with the lady into a dark back door. The young adults glanced on in uncertainty. 

“Yo, why are they going off by themselves?” Colby asked Jake. The first rule of all of their videos was not to go off by yourself. Bad shit always follows. “He literally was like-”

“He’s been looking at her ass like all day.” Jake joked back, Corey attentively diverted himself from Y/N to get a jump in on whatever that conversation had morphed to.

“That’s whatever the fuck he was doing.” They all snickered and continued on with the inappropriate jokes. Editing this would be like a field day to Reggie.

“Is Kat gonna think…” Colby looked around jokingly, getting another round of laughter from the friends.

“I don’t know..” Colby softly replied. He pressed on to dumbfoundedly impersonate Sam’s girlfriend, “Oh it’s not cheating if he’s not in the same country.”

“It’s sexual relations Jake.” Y/N whispered at him. They continued to poke fun out of the cougar-lady, but her and Sam rushed back soon enough. Just in time to ask questions. 

“Uh, that was pretty much the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Sam pulled everyone aside with a smug look on his face. He honestly always had one of those. The blank stares that were thrown back at him weren’t what he expected. 

“Uh Sam what does that mean.” Jake chuckled. He looked around at everyone not able to catch on. The seriousness of the situation began to settle as everyone genuinely thought Sam could have done some weird shit with that groundskeeper.

“All I have say is that was quick man…” Colby scraped some gunk off of her nails while waiting for following instructions.

Sam obviously didn’t understand, “To fill you guys in I had to learn, kind of, where all the specific light switches were. I didn’t even look around. I just kinda looked at the ground until she saw.”

“You were like that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Colby turned the camera to focus on him and Jake mocking Sam’s slight happiness by seeing fancy rocks.

“It was only the stairs!” Sam said defeatedly, he didn’t want to spoil the real first looks.”That’s just giving you a little hint, but um, I asked her if she could you know fill us in on some of the information of, likewise castles here, the hauntings or any deaths and she said she knows some information.”

“Oh cool…” Colby was already quite unenthusiastic about this idea anyways. Katrina retreated out of the building quickly with keys in her hand. She sprinted over to all of them.

“Look it’s Sam’s new girlfriend!” Y/N cheered. Sam spun his head around, probably pulling a muscle in the process. The pure look of utter horror could not be more hysterical. Sam became flustered with a loss for words, his face tinted with a light shade of pink. Before he could muster up any sort of retort Katrina, the groundlady, came jogging back to the group.

“What’s some of the backstory about this castle?” Jake asked, he spun some rings around in his hand. Paying no mind to the other plot line adhering to his right.

“This castle was built in the second half of the 14th-Century, but there was another castle built before that in here. That was built in 110,so uh.” Few ‘Wows’ and ‘Oohs’ cut her off. “That was quite a while ago, but the Neidpath was built by the Family Of Fraser’s and they built a Buddha made castle. This one was burned down by the English army. After a guy named Simon Fraser, who’s the cousin of Braveheart, was captured and executed and that’s why the Buddha made the castle was burned to the ground. Another family built this castle, which was besieged in 1650 by the Cromwellian army. Legend says that this was the only stronghold of the Scottish borders which actually withstanded the siege. Whether it’s true or not, we don’t know, but what we do want you to know is that one-third of the castle collapsed, non-existing anymore.” She spoke with absolute passion. The place had so much rich history, the surrounding observers listened with extreme intent, not to miss one sentence in case it may help their investigation.

Colby raised his eyebrows at this question, “One-third of it?”

Katrina continued on, “Because of the siege. We do have a dungeon in the castle as well.” Everyone went silent.

“A dungeon?!” Jake nearly dropped a silver band he was picking on by the mention of this. His personality perked up and suddenly the whole crowd was uplifted. Finding weird places in “abandoned” areas is always a plus side, but this tops all of it.

“Guys shut up!” Y/N whacked Jake with her phone, he stuck his tongue out while rubbing his shoulder. She didn’t want to leave too bad of a first impression. It would be mortifying if something went wrong and the owner already hates you.

“Is there a dragon?” Corey brought everyone back to the topic of the castle, he didn’t want to be there a minute longer, but in this group you just do what you’re told and shut your mouth.

“We do have quite a big colony of bats under the roof, so I’m not sure if you really want to go down there Mister.” The group laughed and groaned at Katrina’s statement. Running into bats could be the worst thing to encounter.

Corey nodded in response, “So there are dragons.”

The history went on, “It was quite widely used during the 14th and 15th century because that was the only reason for the whole county.” The darker side of it all became slowly prevalent. It wasn’t just a posh place the others expected it to be. 

“Prison?” Sam posed. This just got a lot weirder than they all expected.

“Yes. You’ll be able to get into it because there is this rough opening through, which was made in the 17th century, but before that the only entrance to the dungeon was through the trap door from the guards. I should have shown you that, but I’m not going to. You’ll find it by yourself.

“Oh god…” Colby rubbed the bridge between his nose, an inevitable  headache was beginning to form.

Sam tittered, “Are we just going to fall through? Is that ok?” He got no proper answer, which set his worries on the run.

“So, the last prisoner was there in 1594, I think. We know there was a teenage boy like a 14 year old boy who was just pick pocketing people and he ended up here. The note didn’t say that he actually came out of there again.”

“Like meaning it’s haunted?” Colby preyed on.

“Uh, it is haunted!” Katrina stated blandly.

“Fun for us!” Y/N shrugged to hide her panic. Colby glanced at her. He sensed her anxiousness, he didn’t want her to be upset. Definitely not in the shitty environment. Of course, he cared for her, he just didn’t know how to open up and tell her. Would this really be the place?

“We do have our own one. Her name is Jean Douglas. She died in 1750, she was the daughter of one of the owners of the castle and she died of a broken heart.” The mood fell, a breeze pulled through and messed with the mics. Leaving just a sprinkle of static in the footage. Just in time.

“She was engaged to a young man, but he wasn't wealthy enough to win her family over, so he went abroad to win his fortune and fame and because he was away for far too long she went really sickly and pale and she didn’t eat. She didn’t sleep, so she was really frail when he finally came. When he was riding his horse through the archway she was at the window and he failed to recognize her because she was so altered and broke her heart and she died on the spot.”

The group had a silent reaction to the news, not knowing how to react.

“Ever since then she is walking through the castle being very tall, very gray, very pale looking, weeping.”

“What’s her name again?”

“Jean.” A tiny shiver racked through Sam’s body. He didn’t tell anyone. Just not to set anyone off. Now he really didn’t want to face this spirit.

“Have you ever seen Jean?” Y/N asked, trying her best not to be insensitive with the approach. These things are held really close to some people. Their experiences could be life changing, for others it could most certainly be a lot different.

“No, but I do have ghostbusters coming in several times a year and I asked what was the best recording ever and they were like ‘We got brilliant ones of screams.” 

“Ah..”

“And I was like inside of the castle. I’m here sometimes on my own in the middle of the night at midnight, one, two, three o’clock. When I have to lock up after the events and such. Do I really want to do that with screams in my head? No I don’t, I said no.”

“Alright sounds like it’s a nice haunted Scottish castle.” Sam tried his best to play off his uncomfortable feelings with humor. It did not work.

“I’m going to do the dungeon now. I’m not telling you what I’m going to do now and then the place will be yours” Katrina headed back into the castle with an odd vibe. 

“So, she’s gonna make us fall down the trap door, wow.” Jake leaned in for slight commentary.

“How much do you want to bet that we’re going to die?” Y/N grabbed her backpack to locate her wallet and pulled out a twenty.

“I bet 15.” Corey grabbed his wallet too.

“Guy, that is so sad though…” Colby came into the center of all of them, “Ok, that story. Imagine your husband comes home on a little horse and you're in this window, literally right there and then you die on the spot because he's like ‘Who’s that?’ It’s a tall, frail old lady that’s crying everywhere.” Colby clung to his sweatshirt, “Oh that’s so creepy!”

“Colby if you ever do that to me you’ll have to go back to VidCon alone again.” Y/N was putting in her best bet and threw a five at him. “You can use that for your ticket.” He blushed, just like Sam moments before.

Sam added more commentary from behind the camera, “They’ve heard screams within the castle.” Katrina came right back out with her deafening personality, handed the keys to Sam and hopped right back in her small, blue car, and left with no exchange of words.

“She creeps me out.” Jake in discomfort. To be fair, she is a creepy ass old lady who owns a castle in the middle of nowhere.

Corey turned away from the groundskeeper's car and shrugged off his jitters, "So we have a castle to ourselves...”

“This is amazing!” Sam couldn’t contain his excitement.

“No Shit. I still can’t grasp why you all buyout expensive stuff like a castle.” Y/N gripped the abundance of bet money and slid it all bad into her bag.

Colby inspected the property more in depth, as if he was waiting for a ghoul to poke out at any given time, “This is where we’re staying tonight.” With a grand motion upwards Sam panned the camera up and down.

“And you guys...” Sam pulled the camera away from the stronghold and directed the frame to the rest of his friends,”..have not even seen the inside at all.”

“I know, I know.” Colby pulled his beanie down his head, the enlightened sun seemed to cascade into the clouds with a faint breeze.

“Let’s go find our cottage, get ourselves completely set up and ready for the night. Take some pictures before sun down and then go into the castle, because like we can’t lose this sunset and we got to figure this out.” Sam did some weird hand movements in front of the camera and handed it off to the other’s opinions.

Colby nodded his head up and down in agreement,” Yeah definitely.” Jake wandered around with a rock and for the most part everyone said eye to eye.

“Unfair treatment. I wanted to go in now.” Y/N gave a side glance to Sam and Corey brushed his hand over her playfully. She walked back into frame,“All I gotta say is, Colby Brock Hot Edits.” Colby walked up next to her with a shit-eating grin in approval. Who doesn’t love Colby Brock edits?”

“Shut up, you’re just jealous that there’s no Y/N L/N hot edits for you.” He playfully jabbed back at her with a growing flutter in his stomach. He fucking hated that feeling to no end, but it was such a drug. Only when she was around.

“Alright let’s go, I’m bored as shit.” Jake came back with his new pet rock and put his arm around Corey. Sam cut the camera and went down the forked path. Right down the road was a cottage for visitors.

“Hey Y/N,” Colby came jogging up to the colleen, “Did you see any weird stuff yet?” He shoved his hands in his pockets, a symptom of his bashfulness, he began to rethink his uncolorful wording in his sentence. He just had the sudden urge to go up to her and she wasn’t complaining one bit.

She looked over at him, “No, not yet. I just got really put-off by that lady. She just was so…” Her eyes connected with his and a glistening highlight overcame the peaking iris. The words weren’t verbally there, but he understood what was there.

Sam cut her off, “Dude. Look how big this place is.” It was rationally smaller than their house back in LA, but it was sizable for an ancient brick living space.

Jake made the most commotion out of the seven, “Whoever is first picks where they sleep!” He dashed ahead of the group and everyone picked up speed, almost dropping the rock he just adopted.

“I think there’s only like three beds.” Sam panted. No one paid much mind to him and kept running. They all toppled into the door and Corey unlocked it, which left the rest to run up to a room. Jake took the first one to the left, Sam tumbled into the one across. A room had a small couch for Corey and last, but not least…

“Looks like we’re bunking L/N.”

“Fuck you Brock.”

Sam peaked his head in, “Guys, we have film some shots of the place. Come on.” The three made it to the living room where all and sundry were. Sam grabbed his camera and got everyone in shot.

“What?!” With grand motions each person stood up in their acts of shock. Even though it had been there for a solid five minutes the audience always has to be entertained.

Colby turned around, “Yo! We got a TV too!” A small Toshiba was put on a step stool. It would probably gain no use tonight anyways. It looked like a piece of crap too, thank god for Youtube.

They all got up from their seats and went to uncover the rest of the place, “This is nice, very cool.” Colby led them into Corey’s room. A huge bed frame was around a pink canopy bed. Old photos and paintings of the fortress were hung evenly around the perimeter. Sam went through the rest of the rooms and told everyone to head off and get ready.

The guys took cold showers and Y/N soaked in a muddled bath in the basement. She didn’t like it here. Her mind couldn’t unravel much. Sam was stationed upstairs doing a camera touch up with Jake by his side talking about the new Harry Styles album. A half an hour later everyone was wearing at least one faction of Sam and Colby merch, phones were charged and beams from flashlights slid across the floor like a jumping snake.

The group divided into pairs as they walked to the castle. The sky grew much darker than expected and it felt like a looming spirit chipped away at the warm function of friends. The camera was whipped right back out.

“Alright, we are all showered, changed, and ready to explore the castle before sunset.” All went under the arch while the audio was whacked around by the wind.

Colby turned from his conversation to the viewers, "I’m still like flipping out that we’re staying here tonight. That’s crazy!” His lantern swung below him and the towering castle was engulfed by the purple skies. “Look at this place! Look at that beautiful sunset!” He yelled.

Y/N raised her eyebrows, “Since when were you PG-13?”

He blandly stared at her,”Shut up I need to make money,” He looked back at the camera, “When I was like blow-drying my hair and stuff after my shower, my hair dryer was insanely powerful. There’s obviously a lot of energy in it, like the voltage.” 

“I thought he said blow-j-.” Corey chimed in. He shut himself up so they wouldn’t get demonetized, it would be a funny way to go down though. Y/N and Colby giggled along with him. It wasn’t a rare occasion that they all were out laughing and joking, just the side chick with the haunted castle. 

Corey swung his flashlight up and down, “His blow dryer started smoking and like almost blew up.”

“So, what I’m saying is the spirits could use all of this energy to talk to us.”

They all made it to the castle and it was around five-thirty. There wasn’t much to do at this time, but she was always watching. There was something about to happen they could all feel it and that thing, it wasn’t going to be good.

 ☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

Part 2? Send me an ask if you want it!!

[strawberriestyles]

Chapter 15

(Banner made by sweet sunshine @harry-nofookingway-styles​)

Harry X OFC (AU)

Sequel to Brutality: In which Melody and Harry must relearn how to navigate one another among a flurry of changes.

Read previous parts here.

Author’s note: OMG we are about halfway through the story. I have like two(ish) weeks of chapters finished, but then things get fuzzy. And now I’m back to work so idk how much time I will have for writing, but I’m trying, babies!!! When you’re finished reading, I’m bringing back a petition for Breonna Taylor. The lack of justice she’s been served is ASTOUNDING. Please sign if you haven’t already. If you have, find a petition for one of the MANY other cases which have yet to be closed. ENJOY THE CHAPTER. XX

Miraculously, Melody had been out for a run the day that Harry brought her birthday gift home. Bea let him hide it safely in her closet, beneath a giant heap of sweaters. He gave Melody extra kisses to make up for the disaster of New Year’s Eve and what he’d said to her the day after, and within a week he thought that he’d begun to wear her down.

The freedom that he felt with the end of his physical therapy was dulled by the constant ache of loss every time he thought about boxing. He needed something to occupy his time. He was getting sick of staring at the television and, despite Melody’s many recommendations, he couldn’t train his brain to focus long enough to read a book.

“What are you up to?” Bea asked as he left the bedroom. She had built herself into a fort on the couch, surrounded by loose papers and books, her laptop perched on her legs. She was working on an important essay and Harry had barely seen her move for three days.

He paused to crouch down and tie his shoe, struggling with fingers that were somehow still sore from the punch he’d thrown at Brute’s. He needed to start toughening himself up again, that was for sure. His entire body was softer than he remembered it ever being.

“For a run.”

“Oh, really? Get that athlete’s body back? Preparing for a summer at the beach?”

Harry chuckled. The more he spoke to Bea the more relaxed he found her, the more teasing she became. He wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he was starting to like her.

“No beaches for me yet. It would just be nice not to get winded walkin’ up to the apartment.”

“Fair enough. Take an extra block for me, huh? I don’t think I’ve moved more than twenty feet all weekend.”

Harry raised a brow. Bea was scanning a sheet of messy handwritten notes and she didn’t glance up until the silence and stillness lasted for a few moments.

“What?”

“Beats moving exactly zero feet in five months, yeah?”

Bea’s eyes widened. She inhaled enough to shift the papers around her. There was a brief moment of tension and then she spluttered out a thin laugh.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” There was a pause and then she snorted again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Harry rolled his eyes and pressed his lips together to hold back a grin. He tugged the collar of his hoodie down and turned to leave.

“Yeah, whatever,” he said. "I’ll take an extra block.”

Bea was still trying to stifle her laughter as Harry exited the apartment and trotted down the stairs, out into the blistering January cold.

***

Harry pushed himself so hard that his muscles started to feel like they would congeal. His lungs burned. But just like when he’d been walking, every time his body told him to quit, he pushed for another block. He pushed until he was hunched over at a stop light, dry-heaving and slightly dizzy. It was then that his phone vibrated. He dug it out of his pocket and glanced at the screen, swallowing around his nausea.

“Hey, love,” he said as he answered, out of breath. “‘M kinda on a run right now. Can I call yeh back?”

“I, uh...” Melody sounded off. Her voice was muted and in the silence that followed, as she hesitated, he could hear her breathing. Even through the phone, the air shook.

“Mel?” Harry felt his racing heart drop down into his stomach. The feeling of sickness there thickened. He straightened up, dragging his arm across his forehead to keep sweat from dripping down his face, and began to cross the street when the light changed, his steps slow. “Wha’s wrong?”

Her next breath rattled, and he waited through the growing pause before she spoke again. “Please, don’t say I’m crazy.”

“What?” he asked. He barely reached the next sidewalk before the light changed again. The cab beside him honked angrily, but he didn’t turn his head. “Wha’s goin’ on?”

“I...” He heard her mumble something away from the phone and then her apprehensive breaths returned. “I think I saw Colton.”

Harry stopped moving. “You what?”

Melody groaned on the other end of the line. “I don’t know for sure,” she said. She paused for another breath and when she next spoke, the words seemed to pour out of her. “I just stopped for groceries. I was coming out of the store and there was a guy across the street and he was staring at me. And then I turned around for a second and he was gone. I don’t know where he went. And it looked like Colton. I swear it looked just like him.”

Almost subconsciously, Harry’s eyes roamed the street, the line of shops in front of him and the sidewalk behind him, the space across the intersection. Like Colton might be here. “Mel, where are you?”

She sighed. Harry knew—could almost hear the way—her teeth were working at her lips. “I, um, went back in the store. I can’t get myself to go outside.”

“Don’,” Harry said. “Do not go outside. ‘M comin’ to get yeh. What store?”

She mumbled where she was to him and he nodded though she couldn’t see him, mapping out the fastest route through the city in his mind. Traffic wasn’t crazy, but he knew he could make it there faster on foot than by taxi. He turned around and began back the way he’d come.

“Okay, love,” he said, picking up into a run when he reached the other side of the street. “‘M on my way. Please, don’ move.”

***

“Mel.”

Melody looked up and saw Harry walking toward her, his hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. He looked around the entrance of the grocery store once before he reached her, scanning the faces.

“Yeh okay?”

She looked at him for a moment, at the intensity in his gaze, and then had to look away. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to fuck up your—”

“Shut up,” he said, cutting her off. He leaned down to place himself back in her line of sight. “Stop. Are you okay?”

Melody tipped her head back against the wall she was leaning against, taking a deep breath. She did feel calmer now that he was here, but her insides were still heavy with panic. “No.”

“C’mere.” He held his arms out. Barely a beat passed before she stepped forward, planting her face right into the chest of his hoodie. The material was damp, but she didn’t feel any desire to pull away. Harry’s arms folded around her, one hand tangling in the ends of her hair. Melody didn’t move for a long minute.

“Oh, God,” she mumbled eventually, barely pulling her head back enough to look up at him. “Am I going crazy? Did I just imagine him standing there?”

Harry’s frown deepened. “Where was he?”

Melody took a reluctant step back, out of Harry’s hold, and pointed out through the large glass windows at the front of the store. “Right there.”

Harry followed her finger to a spot across the street, the corner of the sidewalk. “And he just watched yeh?” he asked, scanning the street, looking for a familiar face. “Nothin’ else?”

He was met with silence. When he turned back around, Melody was staring at his chest, her eyes unfocused. He cocked his head. “Melody.”

She gnawed on her lip for a moment and then shrugged. “I thought he waved.”

Harry stared at her. He watched the way her eyes darted along his torso, purposefully avoiding his face, and then reached up to tug at a strand of her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She sighed as his thumb traced her jaw.

“Harry, I’m terrified.”

He nodded, taking her by the shoulder to pull her back to him. “I know. I know, love.” This time she clung to him, her fingers tight around the back of his hoodie. He pressed his lips against the top of her head.

All Harry could think of was the time he said she didn’t have to worry about Colton. He wouldn’ come here, love. Had he lied to her?

“This is the first time yeh’ve seen him, right?” he asked.

Melody lifted her face, pressing her chin against his chest. “You don’t think I was imagining it?”

“I don’ know.” Harry tilted his head and stroked her cheek. “I don’ know what to think. But he’s not gonna do anythin’ to yeh, understand? I wouldn’ let him.”

Melody’s frown deepened. “I don’t want anything to happen to you, either.”

A woman with a loaded shopping cart squeezed past them, nearly catching Harry’s ankle. He stepped forward, out of the way, and glanced down at the bags of food Melody had bought. “Let’s get a cab, okay?”

Melody pressed her lips together, eyes wandering away from his face and out the windows. Harry watched her zone out, her fingers loosening in his sweatshirt.

“Melody, look at me,” he whispered, turning her face by the chin. He pressed a slow kiss to her lips when she met his eyes again, and then pressed his thumb to the corner of her mouth. “We’re okay. Nothing is happenin’ to either of us.”

“You can’t promise—”

“I can,” he said. “I promise. I promise I won’t let anythin’ happen to you. And I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Melody drew her lip into her mouth, letting out a long breath.

“Understand?” Harry asked. She nodded. “Okay, grab your stuff.” He loosened his hold on her and nodded toward her groceries. “Give me some bags and let’s get out of here.”

***

Harry had never seen Melody so jumpy. She seemed to stiffen every time one of his footsteps sounded behind her, echoing up the stairwell until they reached the third floor of her building. She tried the doorknob but found it locked, and fished in her pocket for her keys. When the door was unlocked and they were inside, Harry placed all of the bags he’d been carrying on the counter. He watched Melody lock the door again. She’d been doing that for a while, since she’d started having those nightmares of Colton standing in the apartment, but this time she tried to pull on the door, testing the lock.

“Mel.”

She tensed, swiveling her neck to find him watching her. He raised a brow, but her gaze fell as she stepped away from the door, trailing across the kitchen toward him and setting down the bags she’d been carrying. Harry glanced into the living room, but Bea had earbuds in and seemed to be in her own world.

Melody pulled all of the items out of the first bag in silence, placing them on the counter, folding the fabric up in her hands. Harry sighed, stepping behind her, winding his arms around her waist and resting his chin on the top of her head. He expected to feel the tight bunch of her muscles beneath her skin, but even as he pressed his chest to her back, she seemed to relax.

“Love, what do yeh wanna do?” he whispered. She fell still in his arms. “Wanna call the cops?”

“No,” she said decisively, shaking her head. “What are they supposed to do? I’m not even positive it was him.”

Harry opened his mouth to respond, but Bea beat him to it.

“Cops? What cops?” she asked, setting her laptop off to the side. Her eyes bounced back and forth between the two of them. “Why are we talking about the police?”

Melody was silent. Harry gave her a quick squeeze before he stepped off to the side, keeping a hand on her waist. “Melody thinks she saw Colton.”

“What?” Bea’s eyes widened. She tilted her head toward them, as if she hadn’t heard correctly.

“I’m fine,” Melody assured her. “I’m okay. I’m not even sure it was him.”

Bea looked dubious. Harry felt the same way.

“‘M sure I could convince one of ‘em to watch the place,” he said. “Yeh know, post across the street or somethin’. Would that make yeh feel safer?”

“No.” Melody shook her head without a moment’s pause. “The police don’t make me feel safe, Harry. You make me feel safe.”

“I do?”

Bea snorted. Harry shot her a withering look as she plugged her earbuds back in, but she merely shrugged at him before she returned to her work.

“Yes,” Melody said.

Harry tilted his head forward, pressing his lips to her hair and gathering her up in his arms again. She leaned into him, her cheek pressed to his chest.

“I meant it, Mel,” Harry said. “‘M not gonna let anythin’ happen to yeh.”

“I know,” she whispered.

He drew his fingers through her hair, sighing agains the top of her head. “‘M gonna shower,” he said after a few moments. “Yeh wanna put this food away and then join me?”

Melody glanced at the couch, where Bea had retreated into her own world again, scribbling away in a notebook. Harry shook his head. “No, nothin’ like that, love. Just to shower.”

Melody looked up at him and nodded. “Okay.”

“I’ll see yeh in there,” he whispered, pressing a final kiss to her forehead before wandering off toward the bathroom. Melody watched him go, the door shutting between them, and then stared down at the groceries she’d unpacked. If she closed her eyes, she could picture the scene from her nightmare like it was an actual memory. Colton looming in the doorway to her bedroom, Harry peacefully asleep beside her, her body frozen. And in this version, Colton waved.

Melody gathered up everything cold from the countertop and stuffed it into the fridge, unconcerned with placement. She left everything else to be put away later.

The air in the bathroom was steamy when she stepped inside. She’d barely kicked the door shut behind her before she was peeling out of her clothes, tripping on the bath mat. And when she drew back the shower curtain and stepped into the tub, she sighed in relief. The water wasn’t nearly as hot as she would usually like it, but Harry’s hands were warm as he pulled her beneath the stream, stroking her skin, washing away her anxiety like it was nothing more than a film coating her body.

“Yeh feel okay?”

Melody blinked her eyes open, wiping water from her face. Harry was watching her with furrowed brows, his hair dripping past his ears. The concern in his face as she nodded could have made her melt. He reached a hand up, cupping her cheek, and she leaned into his touch.

“Sure?” he checked again.

“Yes.”

His thumb traced her cheek bone and then he stepped forward, holding her again. He’d never held her so much. She all but sank into his chest.

“Got yeh, love,” he whispered. His hands floated up and down her sides for a few moments before he squeezed her hips. Then he pulled away, reaching for his shampoo, and Melody wasn’t sure if she’d ever felt such a complete sense of calm, but she allowed herself to relax back into the water without another word.

Chapter 16

[peachyydesires]

The Party (Keiji x Reader)

a/n: aaa i wanted to make keiji way more flirty in this but then again he’s supposed to be on duty so he can’t simp THAT hard for the reader 

summary: keiji is on duty as a cop; he gets a report about a house party with underage drinking going on, so he decides to go and investigate until he meets you.

  It was an exhilarating night. 

  With loud, powerful music filling the air and the stench of alcohol at every turn, you were living what you merely considered as your “best life”. You felt free, even for a moment as you danced the carefree night away without a single worry clouding your brain. Not the dull ache in your feet from your tight heels, not the pounding headache you were bound to have later, and not even the thought of the hangover plus cleanup that would be necessary in the morning could distract you from having a good time. 

  That is, until the cops showed up. 

  It was only until a loud pounding noise echoed through the main room that you realized something was wrong. A few moments of silence passed until the word eventually spread; people quickly began fleeing the house, jumping through windows and scrambling out of half-opened doors. You knew as the host of the party that you were responsible for getting the door and facing the dreaded police.

  But, this wasn’t exactly your first rodeo. 

  You had hosted several parties over the past few years, and you had gradually learned all the tricks needed while dealing with the cops. You silently prayed in your head that this would be an easy one.

  After waiting a few more seconds, you finally flung the door open halfway, allowing your body to be the only space between the frame and the door itself. 

  In front of you stood a rather tall, muscular blonde man in uniform. He had defined eye bags, and his eyes reflected the same tired look that he gave off almost immediately. 

  “Ma’am, I’ve gotten several reports about apparent underage drinking at this address.” He began, his exhausted eyes focused on the now empty rooms behind you. 

  Shifting your weight, you smiled broadly at the officer. “Welll, I… I can’t say you’re entirely wrongg about that..” You purposefully let your words slur, making it apparent that you were more drunk than you actually were. 

  The officer’s eyes looked back at you, and you locked eyes with him for a moment. Your heart suddenly started pounding in your chest, and it wasn’t until he looked quickly away that you calmed down. He began to scratch the back of his neck, and you couldn’t tell whether a small blush was creeping onto his face or if it was merely the light playing a trick on you.

  “I’m going to have to see your ID then.” He continued, although you noticed that he appeared to be rather unfocused all of a sudden. 

  “Don’t ha...have it on me.” You lied, keeping your smile effortlessly painted on your face.

  He finally looked back at you and raised a questioning eyebrow. He paused, his eyes studying you intensely. You merely stood there, fake smile and everything as you waited patiently for the continued investigation.

  “Okay..How old are you then?”

  “19.” You answered smoothly, still grinning from ear to ear.

  He shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh, “Due to protocol, I’m going to have to come inside and give you a breathalyzer test along with a mandatory search of your house ma’am.” 

  Before he could push past you, you let go of your defensive stance at the door and pushed it fully open to let him in. You knew that everybody would be already well away from the house by now, especially considering that it appeared the police officer came by himself.

  “C..Come right inside!” You giggled, leaning to the side to let him in. “Alsoooo, what’s a breath..breathalyzer test?” 

  The officer remained silent as he took a few steps into the living room. Deciding to make the act more believable, you immediately flocked to his side and hovered near him with a guiltless smirk on your face.

  He nearly jumped as he sensed your presence near him, and stopped his movements to look down at you standing at his side. You were rather short compared to him, and he could feel his cheeks beginning to heat up as he stared at your suggestive face for a moment before looking away again and trying to refocus himself. 

  You instantly noticed his evident blush that stood out like a bright red tomato on his pale skin; your smirk only grew, except you weren’t faking it this time. You eventually left his side and went to go collapse on the couch, bouncing excitedly on the cushions to emphasize how ‘drunk’ you were.

  After searching the house in silence, the officer returned with a slight frown on his face. He clearly wasn’t expecting that you would be the only one he had to deal with that night.

  He stood for a moment, hesitant at first to sit down before he gave up and sat down on a nearby ottoman. He took out the breathalyzer that had been hanging from his belt, and held it up expectantly. 

  Although, you weren’t exactly paying attention to the breathalyzer in his hand. Your eyes wandered down and immediately locked on the shiny, golden name tag pinned to his uniform. 

  Keiji Shinogi.. You read, an unknowing smile spreading across your face. You looked back up at him, deciding to tease him some more.

  “S...Sooo...Keiji, am I..I supposed to suck on this orrr blow?” You batted your eyelashes innocently as you locked eyes with him, your smile morphing into a smirk as you internally laughed at your own act.

  You watched as he practically unfolded right there on the ottoman; his eyebrows raised and his tense shoulders relaxed. A small chuckle even managed to escape through his lips as he rolled his eyes, for once not looking annoyed or exhausted. 

  “I’m sure you already know the answer to that question,” He seemed to be trying to keep the interaction appropriate, but it only made you want to tease him more until he continued, “You can’t lie to your friendly neighborhood policeman. I’m not that type of cop.”

  You froze for a second, wondering if he had already seen right through your whole charade. Without a second thought, you silently took the breathalyzer and finished the test with ease before looking back up at him.

  Looking back at the breathalyzer, Keiji eyed the number for a moment before shaking his head. “0.14%. I’m going to have to arrest you for underage drinking, ma’am.”

  You studied him for a moment, and let go of a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding. He clearly didn’t know what you were up to, or at least hadn’t taken any action to confront you about it.

  “O-Ooh, darn..What’s go..going to happen next?” You asked as you stood up. You purposefully stumbled, slamming one of your feet into the ottoman so you would trip. However, as soon as you had stood he had done so as well.

  On instinct, he caught your arms before you could fall and pulled you closer to his own body. He panicked for a split second before immediately turning you around with your arms behind your back, handcuffing your wrists together almost instantly in order to play it off smoothly.

  You couldn’t help but let a giggle or two escape from your lips as you slurred jokingly, “O..Ooh, kinky.” 

  Keiji didn’t respond as he kept a firm hand on your upper back in order to lead you out of the house. You couldn’t see his expression nor feel his heartbeat from where you were standing, but you were sure that he was probably getting a tad jumpy by now.

  After pushing you into the back of the police car, he slammed the passenger door shut and got into his own seat. He started up the car and began driving back to the station, keeping the classic red-and-blue lights on for what you called ‘dramatic effect’. 

  You couldn’t really think of any ways to tease him other than a few slurred jokes and random, out-of-the-blue questions that seemingly popped out of nowhere. He did his best to focus on driving rather than answering you, although you did manage to get a few chuckles out of him that definitely did not go unnoticed.

  It didn’t take very long until he pulled into the station’s parking lot. You sat there patiently as he wrapped around the car and opened the passenger door. You scooted over on the seat until you were able to get out. Keeping his hand on your back, he led you into the station.

  You were soon left to be pat down by the other authorities as Keiji disappeared. You couldn’t help but keep your eyes on him as he looped around the corner, letting out a lonely sigh once he was gone. 

  But it turned out that you were going to see him again.

  As soon as the rest of the officers had made sure that you weren’t carrying any weapons, you were escorted into an empty investigation room. The door shut, and you were left alone with a table and two chairs.

  Deciding not to snoop around for once, you sat down in one of the chairs and leaned back so you were touching the wall; one wrong move and you would probably tip over, but you didn’t mind. You dug hopefully in your pockets for a few seconds before finding a piece of gum, quickly popping it into your mouth as you silently waited for someone to come in.

  Your wishes came true as a familiar face appeared in the doorway; Keiji looked directly at you, and cocked an eyebrow as he watched you blow a bubble.

  “How did they not confiscate that?” He asked as he closed the door and sat down in the opposite chair. You shrugged, popping the bubble obnoxiously as you stared at him.

  He went silent for a few moments, a hush falling over the small room as he studied you some more. He finally broke the silence as he began the interrogation.

  “As you know, you are being held accountable for underage drinking and possibly exposing other minors to it as-“ 

  You figured now would be the best time to tell him the truth as you suddenly cut him off.

  “I’m 22.” 

  Keiji froze almost immediately. He genuinely looked shocked; his eyebrows raised almost an entire inch and his jaw slightly dropped. His eyes widened and his shoulders stiffened as he stared at you blankly. 

  As he sputtered for words, you grabbed your ID and driver’s license from your pocket and threw it carelessly on the table in front of him. Your grin only widened as you watched him frantically pick up the cards, examining them so closely that it almost looked like he was seeing something so extraordinary that he couldn’t bring himself to believe. 

  “Are you done yet?” You asked him playfully, snickering quietly to yourself as he looked up at you with the same lingering shock. 

  “You..were lying this entire time?” He finally managed to ask, noticing immediately how controlled your voice was now. 

  “Mm, more or less. I just wanted to have some fun, especially since you broke up my party. I had nothing else to do, what can I say?” You paused, studying his face for a moment before you continued, “Plus, the look on your face right now is nearly priceless.” 

  Keiji shook his head, the corners of his mouth tugging into a small smile as he couldn’t help but laugh at himself. “I knew something was up when You took that test.”

  You giggled lightheartedly, eyeing the notepad and pen that sat on top of the desk. “Soo...Does that mean I’m free to go?” 

  “Depends. Were there any minors at your party?” His tone became more serious than it was before, although there was still something lighter hiding behind it. 

  You shook your head as you blew another quick bubble, “Nobody under 21. I can give you the original invite list buuut..” You reached over and grabbed the pen and notepad, quickly writing your number down before ripping the page out of the pad, “I think giving you my number is better.”

  You looked up at him through your lashes, smiling whole-heartedly as you slid the paper towards him. Before he could react, you stood up abruptly and pushed in your chair. Stuffing your hands in your cropped jacket’s pockets, you stood at the door and gave him one last grin before walking out the door and into the station.

  Keiji stayed seated, picking up the small piece of paper in his large hands. He immediately memorized the number, a large, uncontrollable grin spreading onto his face for the first time in a while. 

  Whatever you say, cutie. 

[gii-heylittleangel]

Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow

Hello peeps! How are you in this lovely evening/morning/afternoon? I finally wrote something about the gag reel, which I’ve been wanting to do ever since I watched it. It turned out very sweet (I think) and I’m pretty happy about it. I hope you like it!

Also, thanks @babybluecas for listening to me whining about this all these days. ❤

Read on AO3 or keep reading here!

Castiel places the tin with the pie in the oven, closing it with a satisfied smile. He managed to follow all the instructions from Dean’s notebook—not that Dean would ever admit having it—and the pie seems edible. Castiel learned to accept little victories whenever he sees them and he’s counting this one as a victory. He still has one thing he wants to do and he knows that one is going to be slightly—a lot—more difficult.

He sets the timer for 45 minutes and walks out of the kitchen, making his way to the hallway where Dean’s room is. The whole bunker is silent, not even the sound of rustling pages or mugs being placed on the table around Castiel. It seems weird to Castiel, being as used as he is with Dean and Sam’s routine. Though these last few weeks haven’t been normal and Castiel normally hears more Dean cursing about not finding anything and Sam talking to different hunters all over the world on the phone more than anything.

Stopping in front of Dean’s door, Castiel gathers some courage to knock on it. He does it quietly first, knowing Dean’s being too jumpy these days, but he doesn’t hear anything in the room and Dean also doesn’t say anything. Castiel frowns and knocks again, a little harder this time. There’s still no answer, so he opens the door slowly, poking his head in to see anything. The room’s dark except for the lamp’s light on Dean’s table.

Dean has his head resting on his arms on top of the last book he was reading, eyes moving under his closed eyelids and brows furrowing with whatever dream he’s having. 

Castiel opens the door wider and walks inside, moving closer to Dean. He places his hand on Dean’s shoulder softly, shaking him slowly. “Dean?”

Dean raises his head abruptly, eyes widening. “I’m up, I’m up. What happened?”

Castiel raises his hands in a calming gesture. “Nothing, nothing happened. I just came to check on you.”

Looking Dean closely, Castiel can see he has dark bags under his eyes from sleepless nights, his eyes are red from reading as much as he has, and his cheeks are hollow, showing how much weight he has lost in a few weeks. His hair is flattened in some parts, others pointing in all directions, and Castiel can see it’s slightly greasy. Dean also has a pink post-it glued to his right cheek, a passage from the Bible written on it with Dean’s handwriting.

Dean yawns, rubbing his eyes. “I’m good, just reading.”

Castiel arches an eyebrow at him, pulling the post-it from Dean’s cheek. “Yes, I can see how well you are, Dean.” He glues the post-it on the book on top of the table. “You need to get some sleep, Dean. And eat.”

“Nah, I’m fine, I’m totally good, don’t worry about me.”

“No, you’re not. Dean, your face shows how bad you are. You look almost like your so-called ‘zombies’ look.”

Dean takes a deep breath, turning to his book. “I’m fine. Now go away.”

Castiel sighs, looking at the ceiling. “Dean, please. At least today. You need to rest and eat.”

“I said I’m fine. We don’t have time to rest or eat or any of that crap,” Dean’s voice grows angrier. “Now can you please leave me alone so I can go back to what I was doing?”

Castiel places a hand on Dean’s shoulder, making him look at him. “Dean, the world will still be ending tomorrow. The zombies and the souls from Hell will still be here as well. Chuck won’t suddenly decide to put everything back to normal and apologize if you decide to take a little time for yourself. We can and should take a day off. You, Sam, Jody, Ketch, Donna, me, and all of the other hunters, we’re all exhausted, and we all deserve at least a few hours away from all of it. The world won’t end if you look away from the books to shower, eat, or sleep because it has already ended. We’ll still have things to do tomorrow.”

Dean’s shoulders slump slightly as he sighs. “I can’t, Cas, I need to find a way to undo all of this.”

“We all do, Dean, and we will. We always find a way to make things right. But you won’t do any good if you keep going like this. We have already lost too much. Don’t make m—us, lose you too.”

Castiel can see the moment Dean's will to say no breaks and he knows he got a small victory already. He fights the smile from his lips, keeping a neutral expression.

Dean stands up and stretches himself. "Fine. Just today. But tomorrow we'll go back to reading the lore."

Castiel nods softly. "Of course, Dean."

"Can't believe I'm the one wanting to do research. The world's really broken." They chuckle softly, Dean's eyes coming to meet Castiel's. "Where's Sam?"

"He went out with Rowena. Said something about finding a book they think may have something to help us."

"That's good. Alright, what do you wanna do then?"

"Well, not to offend you or anything, Dean, but you do need a shower."

Dean smells his armpits, turning away fast with a disgusted face. "Yeah, you're definitely right. I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll meet you back in the kitchen."

Castiel smiles, nodding. "I'll see you there."

Dean walks to his closet while Castiel walks out of his room. He makes his way to the kitchen, feeling slightly better for being able to make Dean get out of his room without Dean screaming. Sam will be happy to know it.

Castiel sees that the timer still has fifteen minutes before going off, so he turns the coffee machine on to have it ready for when Dean gets out of the shower. He sits on the bench of the table, grabbing the book he left there earlier.

He immerses himself in the book, letting the sound of the coffee maker fill his ears. It doesn't take long before the whole kitchen starts to smell like coffee and apple filling from the pie. Castiel thinks they make a great combination and the bunker feels a little more like home with their smell.

The timer goes off at the same time Dean gets in the kitchen in new, clean clothes. The smell of Dean's citrus wash soap mixes with the pie and coffee ones, but for Castiel it makes it even better. More like home than anything else.

"Whatcha you cooking, Cas?" Dean peeks through the door of the oven as Castiel grabs a dishcloth to take the pie out of it.

"I made you an apple pie. I know it's one of your favourites and that makes you feel better when you eat."

He can see Dean blush slightly as Dean walks to the coffee machine, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. Castiel turns the oven off and puts the tin with the pie on the cooling rack—and Castiel still thinks it's weird that they need something just for it to cool something down but Dean didn't want any discussion about it, saying it was indispensable that they have one.

Castiel grabs plates for them as Dean pours coffee on both of the mugs, adding cream and sugar on Castiel's. He arches an eyebrow at Dean, who frowns at him.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just didn't realize you still knew how I used to drink coffee."

Dean shrugs, pretending indifference. "You used to drink so much, guess I got used to it."

Castiel smiles, resting against the counter behind him. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean smiles softly to him, putting the mugs on the table and sitting on the bench. Castiel watches as Dean drinks his coffee slowly, gaze unfocused while he states at nothing in particular. He knows Dean would call him creepy if he saw Castiel staring, but Castiel can't find in himself to care.

Him and Dean have been distant for so long, barely looking at each other when they pass by the other in the bunker, that Castiel just wants to take Dean's image in, the closest to the normal Dean Castiel has seen in months; the one that has to drink three cups of coffee in the morning before he can communicate with the people around him; the one that laughs rather easily and that likes to find a joke in any and everything that happens around him.

Castiel doesn't know when was the last time he saw Dean laugh or smile truly; not a snarky smile, or a smirk, or a fake smile. Dean barely leaves his room, only when he needs to eat or take new books to keep going on his unstoppable mission of fixing everything by himself, so Castiel barely sees him at all.

He startles when Dean snaps his fingers in front of him. "Hey, earth to Cas. Are you there, buddy?"

Castiel shakes his head. "Yes, I'm sorry, I was… I was lost in thought."

"I noticed. Are we eating that pie or what? I think it has cooled enough."

Castiel turns to the counter as Dean walks back to the table. He cuts the pie, putting a piece on each of the plates. He grabs two forks and hands one of them for Dean before taking the plates and sitting on the bench across Dean. Dean thanks him and they start eating in silence, each keeping their gaze on the pie in front of them.

The silence on them is uncomfortable, nothing like the usual silences Castiel used to share with Dean, when they were soothing and calming, just the other's presence being enough. There was no need to fill the silence because they were happy with it. Castiel wants to break the silence but he doesn't know how; he doesn't know what he could say that would break the tension between them.

Castiel sips his coffee slowly after finishing his pie, Dean getting another piece for him. It makes Castiel happy that Dean's at least eating, even if it's not something entirely healthy. But it's more than Castiel thought he would be able to do. Sam himself hasn't been able to make Dean eat anything.

Once they're both finished, Dean stands up to wash the dishes and Castiel stares at his back, one elbow on the table and his head resting on his hand. He doesn't have any specific thoughts, just some that come and go as they wish, none sticking long enough for Castiel to pay attention to it.

Dean stares at him as he dries his hands, and Castiel can almost see the question in his eyes. Neither of them says anything and Castiel only stands up and walks away, listening to Dean's footsteps following him to the war room.

Dean sits in one of the chairs as Castiel decides to do something bold. He smiles at Dean, telling him he'll be right back. He ignores Dean's confused expression as he makes his way to the room Dean said it's his—not that Castiel uses it a lot but he sure appreciates the gesture.

Castiel grabs the radio he got when he started spending more time in the bunker. He likes to listen to it while he reads or does stuff around the bunker—just as much as he likes to dance around in his room with his headphones on.

He goes back to the war room and sees Dean resting his arms on the table, a book already in front of him. Castiel pretends he doesn't see Dean close it and push it away quickly when he sees Castiel’s back. Castiel puts the radio on the table, plugging his phone in it. He chooses one of the songs, pressing play, and turning to Dean. 

Dean watches him with a careful expression, a brow raised and his chin resting on his hand. Castiel walks to him, stretching a hand towards him. The first chords of Ed Sheeran's Photograph start to play, filling the silence around them. 

Dean's expression changes to disbelief as he alternates his gaze between Castiel's stretched hand and the radio. “Ed Sheeran, really, Cas?”

Castiel smirks, hand still stretched towards Dean. “How do you know it’s Ed Sheeran, Dean?”

“Shut up.” Dean hides his face but Castiel can see him blushing.

Getting Dean’s hand to pull him, Castiel explains, “I have never danced with someone else before, Dean, and I know that you didn’t have many chances to do it either. So we can do it together.”

Dean lets himself get pulled into Castiel’s arms, their fingers intertwining automatically, as if they were made to do that. Castiel puts his left hand on Dean’s lower back as Dean’s left hand comes to rest on his neck. They stand close enough for Castiel to remember about Dean’s personal space but Dean himself doesn’t seem to mind it.

“Cas, c’mon, we don’t have ti—”

“But we do have time, Dean,” Castiel cuts him off. “One day off, that’s all I ask from you. Just because I’m an angel, it doesn’t mean I’m not tired and I am. We all are. And you have been doing more than is healthy to, more than what you normally do. Just this day, it’s all I ask. I can’t take seeing you doing this to yourself anymore.”

                              Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

                              But it's the only thing that I know

                              When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

                              It is the only thing makes us feel alive

Dean’s shoulders slump and he nods at Castiel, not saying anything. Dean rests his head close to Castiel’s shoulder, not exactly touching, but Castiel tilts his head enough for it to touch Dean’s. They sway slowly around the war room, the music being the only thing they can hear—except that Castiel can hear, or maybe he feels, how fast Dean’s heart is beating, and he knows his heart is probably doing the same.

                              Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

                              And it's the only thing that I know, know

                              I swear it will get easier

                              Remember that with every piece of you

                              Hm, and it's the only thing we take with us when we die

“Cas, I’m sorry,” Dean says suddenly, hurrying the words out of him.

Castiel tilts his head, backing away just enough to look into Dean’s eyes. “For what?”

Dean scoffs, avoiding Castiel’s eyes. “Now that’s a good question. For everything, man. I’ve been acting like a dick lately. To you, to Sam, to every and anyone who comes close to me. It’s just… I wanted to be able to find a way to get things back together, ‘cause this is all on me and I should be the one to find a way to fix it. And I just… I can’t find anything. Hundreds of books in this place and there isn’t a single fuckin’ thing that shows me how to fix this.”

                                And if you hurt me

                                That's okay baby, only words bleed

                                Inside these pages you just hold me

                                And I won't ever let you go

                                Wait for me to come home

“This isn’t all on you, Dean. We are all to blame, partially. And it’s not like we forced God to do what he did. You chose to do the right thing in the end and that’s what really matters to me. And we’re family, aren’t we? If there’s one thing I learned these last years, is that family is what really matters and we always forgive each other. So I forgive you, Dean. You just need to forgive yourself now.”

Dean doesn’t answer, he only puts his head on Castiel’s shoulder, his nose touching Castiel’s neck slightly. It gives Castiel goosebumps but he can’t find in himself to care, only resting his head on top of Dean’s. The distance between them shortens, their chests now touching as they keep swaying.

Photograph ends and another music comes up, its melody sweetly on Castiel’s ears.

                                Love of my life, you've hurt me

                                You've broken my heart and now you leave me

                                Love of my life, can't you see?

                                Bring it back, bring it back

                                Don't take it away from me, because you don't know

                                What it means to me

They stop swaying around the room, staying practically on the same spot, just waving their bodies together as Freddy Mercury sings his love song in a sad voice. Castiel has listened to this song a hundred times but it always manages to touch his heart deeply. He hears Dean singing it lowly, almost in a whisper, and he whisper-sings it back.

                                You will remember

                                When this is blown over

                                Everything's all by the way

                                When I grow older

                                I will be there at your side to remind you

                                How I still love you (I still love you)

Castiel finally talks again, “You know we’ve known each other for eleven years, now?”

Dean chuckles softly. “Yeah. Hell of a time, huh?”

“Yes. One hell of a time,” Castiel gives him a small smile. He moves his head to be able to look into Dean’s eyes. “But it’s been the best eleven years of my life.”

Dean smiles sadly and they grow closer as another music starts playing.

                                Love me like there's no tomorrow

                                Hold me in your arms, tell me you mean it

                                This is our last goodbye and very soon it will be over

                                But today just love me like there's no tomorrow

Castiel finally lets his lips touch Dean’s and he can’t think of anything else as they kiss each other sweetly. For an angel who knows thousands of languages and different words for the same thing, Castiel can’t think of any that could really make justice to how his first kiss with Dean feels like. It’s sweet and it’s slow and it’s hot and it’s mind-blowing and it’s too much but it’s too little at the same time. It’s everything and more than Castiel ever thought it could be.

They rest their foreheads together after, still swaying slowly. Castiel opens his eyes, meeting Dean’s green ones that finally seem happy for the first time in months. It makes Castiel smile automatically, Dean mirroring him.

“We’re two saps, aren’t we?” Dean chuckles, his eyes closing again.

Castiel nods against Dean. “But I’m happy to be a sap with you.”

The song comes to an end as they stop swaying, arms crossing around the other.

                                  Tomorrow god knows just where I'll be

                                  Tomorrow who knows just what's in store for me

                                  Anything can happen but we only have one more day together, yeah

                                  Just one more day forever, so

Castiel can feel Dean starting to sleepy, eyelids heavy as he fights to keep them open, movements getting slower. 

“You should go to bed, Dean.”

Dean shakes his head, hiding a yawn. “‘m fine.”

Castiel starts to sway them towards the hallway to the rooms, trying to get Dean to the room without him noticing. Doesn’t really work or Castiel just wasn’t as smooth as he wanted to be.

“Alright, fine, Cas,” Dean’s words are slow and dragged. “You win, I’ll go to bed.”

He lets go of Dean but keeps on hand on Dean’s waist. They walk to Dean’s room, Castiel using his powers to stop the radio and turn the lights off behind them. Dean opens his door, making his way to the bed and falling on top of it without worrying about anything that is on top of it.

Castiel shakes his head fondly, closing the door behind him. He takes all of the notes and books from Dean’s bed, putting them neatly on the table. He then sits on the bed, untying Dean’s boot laces—why did Dean put on boots to walk inside the bunker in the first place Castiel doesn’t know— and putting them by the end of the bed.

Dean mumbles incoherently and moves slightly, turning his head to Castiel’s side. Castiel stands up, taking the blankets from under Dean and rearranging him into a more comfortable position. He covers Dean and it’s about to turn the lamp off when Dean’s hand holds his arm.

“Can you… can you stay with me, Cas?” Dean looks at him apprehensively.

Castiel smiles softly. “Of course, Dean.”

He takes his own shoes off, along with the trenchcoat and suit jacket, placing them on the chair by the bed. He slips under the covers, Dean turning to lay on Castiel’s chest. Castiel moves slightly until he gets into a more comfortable position, putting one arm around Dean’s waist and his other hand intertwined with Dean’s.

Castiel turns the lamp off, closing his eyes and just letting Dean’s breathing takes all of his focus, and, for once, nothing more tries to fight him to take his peace away.

[andorerso]

147 XD

also requested by @imsfire2, thank you both for the prompt! this is a follow-up to this first prompt and it’s probably better to read that for context (it’s not very long, I promise) but I do provide some background here too

I also forgot to mention that the general idea for this fic was inspired by Sleeping Beauty. It’s definitely a little fantasy-esque and vague on purpose. Hope you enjoy :)

Jyn knows, on a subconscious level, that she’s dreaming. It’s like she’s floating, weightless in water, unchained from her own body. Everything is a little bit hazy, a little unfocused, and she’s content. The biggest clue is that she can’t remember how she got here.

Here is a clearing in the forest, full of white little flowers. She can hear insects buzzing, an owl hooting among the trees, leaves rustling as forest animals run by. It’s night but the stars shine brightly. Jyn isn’t scared of the dark this time. There’s something peaceful about this place. Something safe.

Then she sees Cassian standing in front of her, as if he just materialized out of thin air. Jyn stares at the white medical gown he’s wearing, and a jolt of memories hit her.

The mission, the med-bay, Cassian lying motionless in bed. Nobody knew what was wrong with him. He just went to sleep and… didn’t wake up. His medic thought it could be the effect of an unknown plant from a backwater planet, but nobody was sure. Cassian was just sleeping.

Stars, she couldn’t get away from this nightmare even in her sleep.

“Jyn,” he calls and her eyes water. It feels like forever since he said her name. “You’re here. I’ve been trying to get to you.”

She’s too busy holding back tears to contemplate what that means. All she cares about right now is that he’s here, even if it’s only a dream, and she doesn’t want to waste time being sad.

“Cassian,” she gasps, her body moving towards him on its own accord. She slams into him, arms going around his sides to hold him tightly to her. She closes her eyes. It feels like taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long. “Force, I missed you.”

Cassian cradles the back of her head, carding his fingers through her hair. It feels so real, being held by him, that can easily convince herself he’s here with her and nothing’s wrong. At least for a few seconds. She needs this.

His voice is a whisper against her ear when he speaks. “I missed you too, Jyn. Listen to me, I don’t know how much time I have.”

She pulls away, frowning, but her arms remain locked around his body. A sense of dread settles in her stomach at his cryptic words and she holds him tighter, desperate to keep him with her – as if touch alone could keep him grounded.

“What do you mean?”

Cassian looks pained at the question. His eyes dart around, dark and worried, his mouth a thin line. He seems disoriented– but he tries to explain his thoughts as best as he can.

“This place is confusing. It’s so big. I don’t think I’m meant to be here.”

“Here?”

He nods, a jumpy movement. Jyn’s frown deepens as he realizes he’s nervous. A rare sight. What in the world is going on?

“Here – whatever this is. The Force. Dreamland.”

“Dreamland?” she echoes, more confused than ever.

“Yes. You’re dreaming, aren’t you? I’m in your dream.”

“It’s just a dream,” Jyn protests, more than a little unnerved now. She forces a joke, trying to play it off. “My subconscious is clearly fucked up.”

But Cassian is insistent.

“No, listen to me. You have to help me. I got lost. I couldn’t find you. It’s like I’m awake but I’m stuck… on this plane of existence.” He pauses, searching her eyes. Frankly, his intensity scares her a little. It’s like – he acts like he’s running out of time. “You believe in the Force, don’t you?”

That’s a complicated question but she doesn’t have time to debate that. “Yes.”

“I never did but…”

Jyn shakes her head, trying to make sense of it all. Alright, so her dream is clearly a symptom of the high levels of stress she’s been experiencing. Her subconscious is projecting her fears on this strange paranoid version of Cassian.

Still, if she decided to believe it –

“What can I do?”

He lets out a long, defeated sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Cassian…” She trails off, at a loss for words. She wants to help him so badly, even this dream version of him, but she has no idea how. She hates this feeling of helplessness, hates sitting on her ass and twiddling her thumb. She’s not meant for idleness.

She just wants a little peace in her own dream.

As if on cue, her eyes stray past Cassian’s back and land on something next to the trees. Glowing dots, moving in synch, creating the illusion of a bunch of yellow petals dancing against the darkness of the night. Her breath catches.

“Look! Fireflies!”

Cassian turns to look at where she’s pointing. She can see the moment his body relaxes, tension draining away as he stops to admire the sight. For a second, it’s just the two of them, under a starry sky, watching fireflies dance in the dark. It should be the most romantic moment of her life.

“It’s so beautiful,” Jyn sighs, wishing more than anything to forget her worries and enjoy a quiet night with Cassian. “My mom used to tell me that if you asked them, they’d make your wish come true.”

Cassian smiles, just a quirk of his lips. Jyn savors the sight, committing it into memory. She’s used to living on scraps when it comes to Cassian’s smiles – it’s always a hard-won reward that she treasures. This one will be enough to get her through a few weeks, at least.

“So make a wish.”

Jyn closes her eyes.

Come home.

She never says it aloud but Cassian replies, “I want to. So badly. This place is strange and the longer I’m here, the less I remember.”

Her eyes snap open, staring at him in shock. What is he saying?

At her terrified look, Cassian continues, his voice pained.

“I don’t – I don’t remember myparents, Jyn. I don’t remember my sister. I’m trying to cling to your face because I don’t want to forget you too. I think if I do, I’m lost.”

Jyn lets out a shaky breath, heart pounding in her throat. This is a dream, this is a dream – but somehow, she knows that if Cassian forgets her, he’ll never wake up.

“I’ll get you out. I promise.”

She doesn’t know how, doesn’t know when – but she knows she won’t rest until she finds out what’s happening to him.

“You just hold on to me,” she tells him firmly, even as tears shine in her eyes. She cups his cheek in her hands, gently caressing his skin. “Hold on to me, okay?”

Cassian nods, his gaze locked on hers with all the faith of a believer. He looks scared but he has faith in her. Jyn vows to live up to that.

Under her hands, Cassian begins to fade. She barely has time to react – in a few seconds, he’s gone. Disappearing just as fast as he appeared. But in his place, a single flower remains, yellow and white petals straining towards the sky.

Glowing. Jyn stares, hypnotized.

It’s just a silly dream. But here in the middle of the forest with the fireflies, she knows what she has to do.

[dimancheetoile]

i’ll battle your battles until we win them together

written for @shikasaku-week

Day 3: and we dreamed in purples so i took this prompt to mean something like hope, and dreams of a better future, which is what i tried to incorporate in this story. i'm sorry it's out so long after shikasaku week ended, but i fought it every step of the way and now it's here and i'm very proud of it. so there you go! there is mentions of someone killing themselves after years of depression and self-harm. nothing is described, there are no details, it's only a character recollecting what happened in their head. so stay safe!

Read on AO3

-------------------

The rush hour is over. Shikamaru takes off his apron, folding it neatly before storing it behind the counter. He makes himself a large coffee and waves at his brother, wiping off a table further into the room. Chōji answers with a bright smile and a mouthed “thank you”. Sighing quietly, Shikamaru cracks his neck, stretching his whole body slowly. He grabs his coffee and goes to the other side of the room where a large curtain cuts the room in half.

Going through, he gets to his side of the shop, that he left in Ino' competent hands while he helped Chōji during the morning rush like he does on the days Mirai has off. They work as both a barista in Chōji's bakery and as a cashier and sorter in Shikamaru's bookshop. Ino has her own assistant, technically her apprentice, Hinata. Their system works well, and InoShikaChō's Lair is one of the most successful businesses in town.

Their shop is right in front of Konoha's third largest college, UK3, the Arts and Human Sciences University, and its 70,000 students make for an amazing clientele. On top of that, a block away from them, is the second largest, UK2, the Sciences and Computer Studies University. They are far from going out of bushiness.

The library/bookshop side has both books for sale and a large half of the room where books are available for free for the students coming in to study. There are single tables, group tables, computers and even two small rooms to study privately. Wi-Fi is unlimited if you buy anything from either Ino's or Chōji's sides, you can bring your books in Chōji's bakery and stuff to eat in Shikamaru's library, and they have a customer card for students coming in often. All in all, it works, and this year, they're making profit for the first time in the six years since they've opened.

They have their recurring customers, their favourites, and with how often they get students, they're starting to recognize all the faces coming in. usually, the oldest they get are in their early twenties and they easily spot whenever they get someone older. That's what being next to two universities mean. They almost never get people over twenty-five. Which is why they would have spotted the newcomer immediately simply because she looks about their age, closer to her mid-thirties than undergraduate.

But they didn't need to notice her age. It's not possible to miss when someone comes in using a cane to help with the metal prosthetic right leg, and the green cardigan wrapped around a right side stopping at the shoulder joint, the entire right arm missing.

Shikamaru has to kick himself mentally to stop staring. The new customer is deathly pale, cheeks gaunt and dark circles under eyes that are cast downward in the universal sign for shame. Her sunflower dress clings to a toned waist, making obvious the muscles in her torso, her broad shoulders and muscled arm. Her left leg is stable on the ground, her calf chiseled as well.

Her bowed head almost makes Shikamaru miss the large burns on her right cheek, coming up to her milky, unfocused eye and ending on her temple. Swallowing the surge of almost pervert curiosity, he fixes a welcoming smile on his face and waits to see if the woman will browse the bookshop shelves, the library bookcases or go to the computers. Mirai is sorting new arrivals, having come in as Shikamaru finished with Chōji, and they're filling the slowly growing poetry section. They're watching what the woman will do, but she's standing unmoving in the middle of the room, looking lost and increasingly distraught.

On instinct, Shikamaru grabs his still full cup and hurries to the woman's side. She doesn't look at him, which only serves to make him worry more. Gently, he puts a hand on her shoulder, talking in a low voice.

“Hello, ma'am. Can I help you with anything? Would you like some coffee?”

She looks at him with wild eyes, startles but not jumping at his touch. She nods silently and take a small sip of his coffee before cleaning her throat.

“Hi, I'm sorry about this.”

“No, don't worry, it's alright. What are you looking for?”

“I was wondering—” again, she has to clear her throat, her voice still rough. “I was hoping you could show me books on meditation. Do you have anything like that?”

Glad to have something to do besides standing there like a worried chick, he nods and points toward the self-care section.

“I'll show you what we have. Would you like to come with me or sit down at a table on the bakery side, and I'll bring you what I can find?”

She nods again. “Yeah, I'll— I'll do that.”

Slowly, she walks up to the curtain where a sign leads to Chōji's side and Shikamaru wills himself to get moving and bring her what she came her for. Not on his watch will someone who so obviously needs some help and kindness not find it in their Lair.

He browses through their shelves, picking up meditation books like she asks, and on a whim, adds a book on social anxiety and one about therapy. Maybe she won't need it (though she does look like she could use them) but she doesn't seem like someone who would take offence at being offered the options.

Grabbing a notebook and a pen from the stack he keeps behind his deck for the students, he goes through the curtain and quickly scans the room to find her sitting down in a corner, watching the room with hunched shoulders. There is a steaming cup in front of her and a piece of carrot cake, but still more than enough room for the small stack of books he's bringing her.

Shikamaru plasters a confident smile on his face to make up for his beating heart and approaches her. He has never stressed like that at the idea of interacting with a customer but he could so easily fuck this up that he can feel the sweat gathering at the back of his neck. As patronizing as he knows it sounds, Shikamaru can almost touch how much courage it took her to come into their shop, and he'll be damned if it's not rewarded in the best way he's capable.

And after that, he's taking a nap. There is only so much anxiety he can take in one sitting, and between the woman and him, he might as well be saturated with tension.

“Hey,” he says softly, hoping not to scare her. She barely jumps, which he privately counts as a win. “I've got the books I mentioned, I found a bit of everything. I also brought a pen and some paper, in case you'd like to take notes.”

She listens to him with rapt attention, only serving to increase his unease, knowing something is wrong and not being able to fix it.

“We're open all day long and we close at 9,” he continues. “If you need anything, you ask Mirai, they're the one with the black hair and green sweater sorting books. And I'm also available for any question or recommendation, alright?” He feels stupid, talking to her like a child, but he's completely out of his depth. “All the books I've brought you are in our inventory, so if you want to keep any of them, you can either get a card for the shop and borrow them for two weeks, or you can buy them. Go to the desk when you want to leave and we'll handle it together, okay?”

She nods, her short hair bobbing along with the movement. She's beautiful, he can't help but think, noticing her freckles and the nice curve of her jaw, the hard muscles underneath her skin.

He admires her more than anything, Shikamaru ponders, because it's obvious what happened to her ; and yet she put on a yellow dress with sunflowers growing from the bottom hem and circling her waist, the least discreet clothing she could have picked, and her hair is dyed a pale pink, almost pastel, and as lovely as the colour is, it only brings more attention to the angry burns on her cheek and the melted corner of her mouth, her closed nostril where the skin was destroyed, and the white, unseeing eye.

She chose all of that, she went out without being ashamed of her wounds and scars and missing limbs and cane, her broad shoulders standing straight. It's only as soon as someone talks to her, tries to interact, that she curls back into a shell of jumpiness and anxiety Shikamaru only knows too well. He's read a number of books on the subject, after his old Literature teacher and family friend, Asuma, killed himself.

Before teaching in the university Shikamaru attended, Asuma was a Lieutenant who had a ten-year long career before going back to his first love and starting his teaching again. Shikamaru saw him often, being both a neighbour and a dear friend to his father. The Yūhi family was invited often in the Nara home, with Kurenai being a foster child and Asuma having been disowned by his own family, making them and their baby Mirai a welcome sight at their table.

Then Shikamaru had graduated, worked a couple of months for a newspaper to earn some money that he put with Ino's and Chōji's saving. They opened the Lair together and everything was good for a while. But the changes in Asuma were unmistakable, until he was finally diagnosed with PTSD, paranoia and social anxiety. It all quickly escalated until Asuma could add depression on top, and at that point he had a breakdown. He suddenly needed to seek adrenaline, action. In secret, he joined a group, maybe a gang, that he was introduced to by another veteran, Hidan.

He put himself in more and more dangerous situations, and Shikamaru, not knowing what to do and panicking, turned to the books that never let him down to read all he could on the condition of his teacher and friend, pouring hours upon hours into his research. But Asuma kept going, until Kurenai confronted him with an ultimatum that put a brutal stop to his nightly outings.

They all thought things were better. He told them so. That he was okay. That he didn't crave the danger anymore. But in reality, not only was he hurting himself, but he was desperate at the idea of not doing things anymore, and just as terrified of losing his wife and child. The dilemma was ultimately too much and four years ago, Asuma took his own life.

The shock for all had been cataclysmic, no one understanding why he had done it, how it could have gone so bad without anyone realizing. So Shikamaru read, and read some more, hoping to find an answer to his grief and his guilt. He didn't. He just learned to grow with it, and gained an impressive theoretic baggage in psychology of war veterans. They hired Mirai, after they expressed not knowing what to do with their life and going crazy in their silent home, and here they are now. All of them working together in the shop they've dreamed off, slowly moving on with their life. And with a bonus probable war veteran looking to start meditating.

Why not.

In the next hour, Shikamaru does his best to ignore the woman's presence, with varying degrees of success. She's going through the books he's brought her at an impressing speed, taking rigorous notes and mouthing words he can't hear from afar. As she notices more and more that no one is paying attention to her, she seems to relax, sneaking looks here and there, until she crosses Shikamaru's eyes and ducks her head as quick as she's able.

From time to time, she orders a new cup of coffee, or a slice of Victoria cake, at one point even a pot of ginger tea with a full plate of scones and clotted cream. On her first re-order, she painstakingly stood up, dragging herself to the counter with the most tragic look on her face under Chōji's horrified stare. After that painful experience for all, Shikamaru's brother is keeping tabs on her, noticing when she raises a timid hand and going to ask what he can bring her. She's not even hiding how relieved that makes her feel and Shikamaru takes pride in the idea that maybe it's their place that's making her feel comfortable enough to accept the help.

After a while, he gets caught in the cycle of new customers, purchasing or borrowing books, recommending his most cherished ones when people are just coming in to spend a nice time inside. Ino brings him a cup of herbal tea she's making herself, to get his opinion on her new blend, and he brings a full page of orders for Chōji to sign some time later. He doesn't see the clock ticking and even ends up forgetting about the woman, steadily making her way through the stack of books.

Shikamaru eventually looks up and suddenly it's already time for his lunch break. It's the one time all three of them gets to spend together during the work day and they try as hard as they can not to miss it. They leave Mirai and Hinata in charge of the store and go to their table, in the corner of Chōji's bakery side. The table has a permanent “Booked” sign on it if one of them wants some time away from their respective counter or, in Shikamaru's case, a space to enjoy food or drinks that won't put his books at risk.

Chōji has already laid out their meal when Ino and Shikamaru sit down, in a relaxed conversation about the renewed interest for gardening the twenty-something seem to have taken. Shikamaru's brother lets them have their fun, splitting the food between the three of them and handing them cutlery. As he finishes pouring some ginger beer in each of their glasses, steps get closer to their table with a weird lingering sound to it. Startled out of their routine, given that their customers all know to leave the shop owners and the forty-five minutes they take to eat unbothered, all three of them look up.

Shikamaru curses himself, mortified at having forgotten their unusual visitor and he can see, from the corner of his eye, Chōji's stiffening shoulders. His brother hates making people's lives difficult and he probably had enjoyed helping the woman when she asked for his attention.

She's standing, a bit unsteady on her prosthetic because of the amount of things she's carrying. She has all of Shikamaru's books balanced on her remaining forearm, a paper bag displaying the Lair's logo hanging from her wrist. With all this, Shikamaru notices right away that she isn't using her cane, making both her ability to stand and his ability to feel even more guilty, impressive.

Scrambling up, he immediately offers to take the books for her while Ino quietly sneaks behind them to grab the cane she left at her table and giving it back in a matter of seconds.

“Oh, thank you,” the woman says quietly, blushing faintly.

“It's really nothing,” Ino smiles, sitting back down and looking away to give the woman the sense that she isn't being stared at.

“I apologize,” Chōji says, looking truly distraught. “I should have made sure you'd be alright.”

“No, please, it's okay,” she replies right away. “You have a lovely cashier who made sure I'd be alright as soon as you left to get lunch. They brought me the menu and I purchased some food to go. I'm alright, really.” The dust of pink on her cheeks is unmistakable and Shikamaru hates it, hates that she feels embarrassed by something as mundane as getting food for lunch.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” he asks, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from apologizing as well. He's sure it would do no good. “I can ring those books for you if you'd like, or write you a come-back card if you'd rather borrow them.”

She looks down to her mismatched feet, increasing Shikamaru's unease at her own discomfort. “Yes, I— can you, could you...”

Shikamaru rushes to nod, feeling like he understands what she's saying despite everything. She nods as well in response, both looking at each other with matching strange expressions until Chōji pokes his brother in the thigh, seemingly waking him up. He jerks his head towards the curtain in an inviting manner and finds an eerie sense of happiness in realizing he doesn't have to slow down his usual slouch to match the slow pace of the woman. There is something he finds comforting in seeing himself walk side by side with her without having to pretend.

They reach the counter on his side, blessedly empty with Mirai mostly standing in for Chōji during lunchtime. Shikamaru sets down the woman's books between the two of them, taking out a card for her to fill in her information.

She does so with an absent-minded expression, looking up at him briefly before focusing on the card again, her voice rising up barely in the noisy shop.

“I don't know if you realize what you did for me today,” she half-whispers. Her voice is more assured than he's heard it all morning, though nothing close to confident. “No one time did you treat me differently, or like I was helpless. You gave me attention without treating me like a child, helped me only when it was clear I couldn't do it myself.”

She looks up, sliding the card across until it touches his hand. In a daze, he lays trembling fingers on the paper, staring at her, a counter and a world separating (or joining) them. Her own fingers are still on the card, a dice of space between her and his hand.

“I haven't gone out of my house in fourteen months.”

Shikamaru holds his breath, his eyes burning shapes of understanding into hers. The Earth-Fire war ended fourteen months ago by the recall of Earther troops from Fire Country territory. No one had won the eleven-year long conflict, the end of it only signed by the lack of resources to continue it on both side, soldiers dying too fast to be replaced by the shrinking number of volunteers enlisting in either armies. Once the specialists had predicted a shortage of wood coming if the war didn't stop, both sides agreed to a cease-fire. Fourteen months later, the peace still isn't technically signed.

“I've been terrified of the smell of cooked meat. There are food trucks in almost every corner of Konoha, except here.” She sounds so relieved that Shikamaru's eyes water without his control. “You don't even serve meat,” she says, her voice cracking on the last word.

In a rush, Shikamaru sees flashes of their meetings in Choji's kitchen, trying out dishes and deciding on what he'd offer for the morning breakfasts and for lunch and what would be taken to go. He remembers himself, so young and terrified of all that could go wrong with their shop, with little money to spare on anything unnessecary. Suggesting that maybe, in the first few years, they stick to a vegetarian menu, to cut on expanses.

Then, as years went by, realizing how appreciated their pant-based dishes were, in a city known for its beef. Hearing from people who aren't vegetarians, telling them after ordering an omelette that they had a good time and they didn't think there was something a little less restrictive than veganism.

He sees all that in flashes superposing with the woman's pale face, pain obvious in the lines of her skin.

“Can I give you a hug?” His rushed words come crashing down in the sudden silence between them, terrifying in their heaviness.

He stops breathing, his heart beating wildly against his ribcage. He feels fear, profound and new, years of nonchalance and laziness breaking in the face of true pain, on a face he could be seeing every morning in the mirror, with their matching age lines beginning to appear, the same number of years etched into their Identity Book a startling similarity disproved by the century-old look in her tired, mismatched eyes. They're the same age and nothing could make them more different and yet—

Her voice breaks as she says Yes.

He stumbles from behind the counter, shaking from nerves and fear, a sort of breathlessness he hasn't felt once in his life. He doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't feel his arms opening, in a daze, until she falls against him and he realizes she's a thumb taller than him and finally, her head is in the curve of his neck, her harsh breathing pooling against his throat.

She's shaking. He can see it, feel it, when he closes her eyes and pulls her tighter against him.

“It'll be okay,” he whispers against her hair, feeling the absence of her right arm and compensating for it instinctively. “It's gonna be okay.” He's humming, he doesn't know what, but it makes her try to bury herself deeper into the hug, like she's trying to disappear.

He doesn't know what's happening.

He doesn't think he'd want it to happen any other way.

A few, long minutes later, he shows her to the door, still feeling unsteady inside, still unsure of what happened, of why he did that, him, so far from being social, tactile.

She turns around to look at him, standing in the street of a city hostile to her, looking up at a place that was her safe haven for a few hours. She finds his eyes and doesn't look away. He feels that something should be said, that they can't go like this, move on with their lives without... something.

“Thank you,” she says quietly, never looking away even when people have to walk around her on the pavement.

“You're welcome,” he says in the same voice. Then, as if stolen from his throat, “Will you come again?”

A small smile on her face, easing the exhaustion and the pain for a second. “I'd love to, Shikamaru.”

He returns her smile, thrilled for a reason he doesn't understand that she looked at the sign inside the Lair and figured out which one of the three he is.

She looks away, severing something that tugs painfully in his chest. His heart is beating fast.

“Can I have your name?”

She smiles wider, when she turns back to him. “Fleet Admiral Haruno Sakura. It was so nice to meet you.”

He watches her leave, speechless, all the facts he knows about her bombarding his brain. Commander Haruno, who liberated the Kiri province in Water Country with her fleet of fifteen ships, loosing every single one of them in the process. Commander Haruno, declared MIA at the end of the Earth-Fire War, after her ship, the Seventh Titan, left the province liberated from Earthern troupes and made its way back to Fire Country without her.

He didn't recognize her, because every photo he's seen has her in her uniform, red hair pulled back into a tight bun, standing in front of the Fire flag. Pastel pink hair and milky, blind eye seem to be new additions, as well as her title, the highest in the Fire Navy.

Fleet Admiral Haruno, found again, and hiding away in their shop. Hiding from a world that took everything from her and then some, after she protected it with everything she had.

Shikamaru looks back to the street where she disappeared.

She can come back any time she likes. It's their turn to protect her from the shitty world. It's his turn.

[call-me-schmidt]

My sister came in with Man of Medan today. I've seen zero gameplay for this beforehand, I somehow missed everything on this until the multiplayer trailer, but I like Until Dawn a fuckload so I guessing I’m going be giving this some serious time.

So, some first impressions after about two, two and half hours messing with it? I am loving the electric guitar version of ‘O Death’, and I guessing that’s just Supermassive’s theme song now?

The setting is some good good shit - it’s so claustrophobic and dingy and mazelike, it’s like nowhere feels entirely right or safe once you’re on the derelict wreck. And the bodies are so gross and unnerving! Like, you get jumpscared by them a decent amount of times, but they’re really just unnerving enough being there that when you do it’s almost gratuitous. I’m gonna give a special mention to that surgery room where the doctor’s curled up in the corner and his mask makes it like he’s looking at you, and his patient who has the anaesthesia mask still on. You know the bit in Until Dawn where you find Beth’s head; the camera has it unfocused, right up close to the foreground? There’s been a couple shots like that and Mister Gassy there was the one that made me stop and “uuurrrrgghh” out loud. (The other one it took a while to actually realise that the camera was looking, like, over the chest of a dead dude).

There’s been some great subtle scares as well, it’s not all been jumpy. The way you begin to realise that the noises you hear and the things you see are not necessarily what your companion character is hearing or seeing is quite tense in the moment. There’s a point as Fliss where you’re being forced to walk down a corridor and the camera is set in front of you - and it’s only when the shadows move that you see that someone was watching around the corner. There’s another point in that same chapter where you can look through a grille - and I was expecting a jumpscare, but the spooky I was waiting for was already there and had been when I started looking. I was staring this thing in eye for a good ten seconds before I realised something was staring back at me and that’s just *chef kiss* excellent.

Also, that bit with Brad, and then with Fliss, where the corridor starts looping? Very P.T. Silent Hills 10/10

Aside, I wasn’t expecting this game to go so dreamlike? if that makes sense? Until Dawn mostly telegraphs pretty strongly when you’re not seeing the reality of your situation. That surely not the case in Man of Medan, and I’m pretty eager to see how they’re gonna play that out. Me and my sister have been debating whether or not we’d like it to lean towards a supernatural explanation or not, though most of our money is split between it being a healthy mixture of both as per UD, or a nice ambiguous Neither/’What Do You Think?’

[bean-of-the-sky]

Healing Takes Time [short fic]

I...couldn’t help myself...I had to write something for these gals! I have so many projects going on, but yet here I am.

This is all on me and my lack of self control.

Here, have some Catra and Adora angst.

Boots trained on the ground, Adora watched the old building fall apart, the debris was pooling on the ground, in small, dull piles. The building would’ve been gorgeous in its prime time, maybe even breathtaking and it felt so familiar to her. It was like something was whispering in her ear, tugging her heart like guitar strings, and begging her to remember this building.

But she couldn’t. What was this place? What had it been, once upon a time?

She took a step forward, and then another, and sunk to her knees, kneeling by the piles of rock. She fingered an old chunk of wall, brow wrinkled.

She shouldn’t have come alone, but her dream had nudged her along. And here she was, at night, alone, at some random place in the Whispering Woods.

“Hey, Adora,” a voice purred right over her shoulder and Adora knew who it was, without looking at her.

She reacted almost immediately, springing to her feet and pushing Catra back into a tree. She held her there, her hands strong on her arms, pinning her.

Catra smirked at her, eyes bright under the moon’s glow. “Getting jumpy, aren’t we, Adora?”

Adora glared, eyebrows arching down, “What are you doing here, Catra?” She demanded, face unrelenting and harsh.

Catra breathed out, colorful eyes rolling skyward, “Just taking a stroll. What, suddenly I can’t just enjoy myself?”

Adora didn’t budge, “Did the Horde send you? Are you planning an ambush? What do you want?” She couldn’t trust her, even if she’d once loved the woman—trusted her with her life. Things had changed. Things were different.

Catra frowned, “Funny what life’s done to us, huh?” She said, voice humorless.

Adora’s expression twitched and she was too slow, too slow to notice Catra‘s claws reaching out from under her. Catra slashed them across Adora’s tummy and she stumbled backwards, watching red dribble from the lines on her stomach.

Catra giggled, leaping onto the tree’s branch and crounching there, staring at Adora below.

Adora hissed, clapping a hand over her cuts, and scowling up at Catra. She tried ignoring the sting, the pain, and the emotions making her heart thump.

Nothing good.

Catra leered at her, fangs peeking, “Aw, Adora’s got a boo-boo? Why don’t you get the Princesses to kiss it all better?” She taunted, tossing her head back and laughing.

Adora shouldn’t have let her get to her but she couldn’t help it. She reached for her sword, strapped onto her back, and held it high over her head. “For the honor of Grayskull!” She shouted, a wind enveloping her and a light erupting from her chest. She felt the power of She-Ra course through her body until she’d been transformed—she stood tall and watched Catra smile above her.

Catra clicked her tongue, smile cruel, “You always need that extra boost? Can’t you just fight me yourself? Like old times? Or are you afraid?” She said, voice low as she turned and leaped from tree to tree.

Adora growled and sprinted after her, her longer legs helping her catch up to Catra, easily. Twigs and leaves snapped beneath her boots, keeping her attention sharp.

“Always a game, between you and me. But how much longer can you keep playing it?” Catra said, dropping from the tree and landing in front of Adora.

Adora didn’t flinch and pointed the sword at Catra’s throat, she nudged the edge closer, until it touched her skin, close enough to draw blood. “Why can’t you just stop, Catra? Why are you still there?” She stressed, brow furrowed, tightly.

Catra had no reaction to the sword, “Where.” She said, punctuated.

“The Horde.” Adora said.

Catra’s mouth twisted into a snarl, “Why?” She mocked, eyes full of ill intent, “Because I can’t go anywhere else! I have nowhere to be, Adora. Nowhere. I’m not special, not like you.” She hissed, breathing hardening. It was rigid and harsh.

Adora didn’t let her emotions get to her face, didn’t let them show.

“I thought I had my place, when you were there with me. But you left,” her face shifted, anger and sadness inching over her features, and she kicked the sword aside. Away from her.

Adora gasped, trying to grab it off the air but Catra slashed her claws across her face. Adora cried out, feeling the blood dribble from the cuts.

“You think you’re special, but you’re really not, Adora,” Catra hissed, stalking towards her, nails out. “What are you without your powers? Without the sword? Who’s gonna keep your little friends safe when you’re reduced to just Adora? You’re nothing.” She repeated, each word heavy and weighting down Adora’s heart.

Adora’s face was hurt but livid, “Why Catra? Why?” She said but she knew Catra didn’t have an answer for her.

Catra approached her, menacing, and pounced.

Adora was sitting up, blankets falling from her shoulders. She looked around her dark room, confused and scared, and blindly searched for her sword. She fell off of her bed and felt the ground for the weapon, her fingers traveled over the point and she instantly grabbed its hilt.

“Adora! Adora, what are you doing?” That was Catra. Catra was in her room? How? She’d broken in!

Adora turned around, eyes unfocused, and pointed the sword to where Catra was on her bed. Why was she there? “For the honor—!”

Catra hurried forward, toward her, and slapped the sword from her hands. It clattered onto the ground, several feet away from them.

Adora fumed, crawling towards it, quickly.

Catra tackled her and pinned her to the ground, trying to steady her, “Adora!” She said but Adora wasn’t listening, she was trashing on the floor, wanting to leave her grasp. “Adora!” She repeated, louder and more desperate, her voice cracked.

Adora’s eyes were not on her, but on something only she could see.

“Adora, look at me. Look at me.” Catra slowly said and waited and watched as Adora finally focused on her, her gaze clearing. It was like watching fog leave, revealing the sun behind it.

Adora stopped wiggling and went limp, her face set in an expression of horror, and disbelief.

Catra let her go, and sat back, crossing her legs.

They considered one another in the quiet darkness of the room. Blankets lay around them, abandoned and discarded.

“I...I tried to hurt you,” Adora whispered, face pale as the moon.

Catra’s nose wrinkled, funnily, “Yeah, but it wasn’t your fault. I mean, it hasn’t been that long since...since I’ve come over to the Rebellion.” She explained, awkwardly trying to reassure her. It wasn’t her cup of tea, being the one to comfort, but she would do it for Adora.

Adora stared at the sword across the room, upset, “I...I’m sorry, Catra.”

Catra then frowned, it cut deep into her face, “You seriously don’t have to apologize.” She suddenly fell quiet, eyes dropping to the floor, realizing, “We’ve still got a long way to go, huh?” Even if some time had passed since Catra had joined their cause, joined Adora, things were tough.

They’d both changed, and their relationship couldn’t go back to what it’d been. They wished it could, it had been simpler, more innocent.

“Yeah,” Adora said, hugging her knees close to her chest, “We do.”

[1-1snailxd-art]

Sides of a Hero

Chapter index ------- Chapter 9 

Chapter 10 - Pizza for four

Summary:  It started as a simple pizza party; how did it end with Virgil on the floor in pain?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roman took a step out of his door and instantly sensed someone to his left and turned to see Virgil on the floor in front of his own door.

"Don't flip your lid, Princey." Virgil looked up at the concerned side. "I'm fine."

"Ha! You’re fine, and LeFou was straight."

Virgil reached a hand out for Roman to help him stand, and the prince happily obliged. "I can't duck out at the moment." "Oh, so you are just being normal for once." Roman smiled at Virgil; he looked weird without his hoodie and only natural dark rings under his eyes.

"As normal as I am ever going to get," shrugged Virgil.

"To be honest," Roman snapped his fingers and Virgil had his patchwork hoodie back on; hood on his head, pushing his bangs over his eyes. "I wouldn't want you any other way. Angst and all."

Virgil chuckled and couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. He had thought that, after everything that had happened at the cliff, Roman would have avoided him; or at least treated him with caution. Instead, Roman actually seemed... Kinder. More accepting.

"OH. MY. GOODNESS." Patton's overly excited voice rang throughout the common area. Virgil glanced up to see Patton looking down the hall at him and Roman.

Logan came around the corner, "What is the problem, Patton?"

"I'mSoHappy! LookAtTHoseTwo! TheyAreSmiling!"

"I think we broke him," Roman looked at Virgil, as the two headed towards the still trembling and giggling Patton.

"Quick, insult me before he explodes... Or I throw up." Virgil sat at the table and pulled on his hood strings to conceal his face further.

"Ah, um, your face is insulting."

"That was the least creative insult I have ever heard from you," Logan commented. "Patton, you need to calm yourself before you pass out."

"I just feel like it's my birthday," Patton giggled. "So many wholesome moments today, AND I'VE GOT COOKIES!"

Logan rubbed his forehead and sighed; exasperated by Patton's over the top reaction. "I will never understand what goes through your mind, Patton."

 Virgil loosened his hoodie and adjusted it off his face as Logan placed two large pizzas onto the table. Food wasn't something the sides required to function, but it was a comforting action. Virgil only started eating meals in recent months; now he couldn't imagine existing without breaking up his days with a meal of some form. The positive to all the recent events was that he was getting to eat with the others. When the focus wasn't on him; the event was comforting.

.

.

.

"Looks like the full days rest did you some good, Virgil." Logan commented, finishing off a piece of pizza.

Virgil choked on his own pizza. "What!? Why did you let me sleep that long?" Virgil had considered that he had been asleep for an extended period, but hearing it was true was still a shock.

"You looked so cute. I didn't want to wake you"

"Clearly you required it. Waking you didn't seem necessary."

Virgil looked at Roman, "What's your excuse?"

"I only wake royalty," Roman grinned.

"Roman never had the opportunity to. He was in his room the whole time you were asleep." Roman groaned and looked at Logan, "Way to ruin my insult, Sher-not."

 “Were you alright, Roman?” Inquired Virgil. The other three looked at him in shock over his question; Virgil slumped down, suddenly very self-conscious. “I only asked because…you know…the cliff thing was intense and all, and then you had me well… you know.”

Patton noticed how uncomfortable Virgil appeared. He thought the side would fully retreat into his hoodie if it allowed him to do so. He decided the best way to help Virgil was to pull the attention away from him, and quickly.

“Was everything alright, Roman? You were still a little jumpy when you left.” Patton started distributing additional slices of pizza to each side. “What have you been crafting in the good ol’ imagination kingdom?”

 “Yes… well…. Erm.” Roman was suddenly feeling flustered. He hadn’t meant to stay away so long; it just happened that way. “I got a tad…distracted.”

“Understandable,” commented Logan. “That whole place is a distraction.”

“Your face is a distraction,” Roman huffed, before taking a bite of his pizza.

Patton sighed, and silently wished they could get through one discussion without making any insults. Virgil nibbled on his pizza and smiled at the exchange; their banter was always amusing.

“After doing, what is generally my usual post adventure routine, I roamed the castle maze.” Roman continued, wiping his hands on a conjured napkin. “I lost all sense of time I guess and ended up in a tower with the most amazing mirror.”

“Did you get lost in your own eyes for a while, Princy?” Virgil smirked, slowly coming back out from his hoodie.

“No. I’m not that vain “

“Indeed.” Logan interjected. “Vanity is still a free impulse. Though he does reside in the kingdom.”

“Wow. Thanks for that, Lo.” Virgil’s words were thick with sarcasm that Logan picked up on instantly.

Patton jumped in before any argument could start up. “So, what was so special about the mirror, Roman. I’m sure you looked great in it and all, but that isn’t anything new.”

 Roman sighed, “That was actually why I came back. The mirror… it…it could show me my true self.” He didn’t want to have this conversation with the whole group; especially with Virgil present. He wasn’t sure how the side would react, and he was still unsure about the events on the cliff.

Logan appeared intrigued; Patton’s eyes sparkled, and he mouthed ‘wow’ in awe; while Virgil snickered, “so you finally saw what I have to look at regularly.”

“I saw all of my fusions.” Roman’s words caused Virgil’s face to drop. “Even the ones I don’t remember fusing with.”

Logan put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands. “Interesting. I wouldn’t have thought something like that would be possible.”

“That is so cool, Roman.” Patton was beaming, he couldn’t believe that Roman had gotten the opportunity to see his past selves. “Did you see Bravery? Imagination? I bet he had an amazing costume on.”

Roman gave Patton a small smile, “I did see them, but I didn’t get to talk to them.” Roman glanced sideways at Virgil, who was staring hard at his pizza crust; face void of expression. “Lust and Ego spoke with me though.”

“Really?” Logan adjusted his glasses and looked off in thought, “seems rather odd that those two would wish to communicate with you.”

Patton noticed Virgil wasn’t moving, his face was paler than normal, and his eyes were locked and unfocused. “Virgil? Are you ok?”

 Virgil wasn’t sure when he forgot to breathe. He only realised his lungs were screaming for air after Patton rested a cautious hand on his shoulder, and he took in a sudden gasping breath. Patton watched Virgil, concern gripping his throat.

“They knew I had…questions about what happened at the cliff, and they wanted to help.” Roman looked at Virgil, who was still transfixed by the pizza crust; ignoring the presence of Patton’s hand on his shoulder. “You knew Lust and Ego, didn’t you Virgil?”

The room was silent, except for Virgil’s rasped breath. Even Logan sat in silence to take in the reactions of the other sides; confused by Virgil’s intense reaction.

 Finally, Virgil nodded. “I knew them… We hung out in the past, but… they didn’t leave on the best of terms.” His head hung low as the words left his mouth. “Not with me, anyway.”

“That wasn’t what they implied,” Roman added. “Seemed like they still considered you a friend.”

“The great thing about true friends, is that they don’t hold grudges.” Patton gave Virgil’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “They are willing to forgive and move forward. Seems to me that Lust and Ego might be those kinds of friends.”

Silence filled the room.

 Roman continued, wanting to fill the void. “Well, they wanted to help me because I wasn’t feeling too good after what happened at the cliff. They told me I couldn’t sink out because I shouldn’t have been able to get to the cliff, due to it being a neutral space…and… and the reason I didn’t fight was…. Rage took that will away from Bravery...”

Virgil clenched his fists. Rage is getting out of control. First, he forced a fusion with Logan, and then he abused his relationship with Bravery. What is their end goal?

“Then there were the impulses at the cliff. They weren’t even all real. Just an illusion made by Deceit.”

“Well now that makes sense,” Logan piped up. “I knew it wasn’t possible for Thomas to have that many impulses still roaming free in the mindscape. But that still leaves me with one question… why? Why would Deceit and Rage go through so much effort?”

 Virgil looked down at his arms, trembling and aching from having his fists clenched so tight. “Because they want to get to me. They are messing with me.”

“Well that still doesn’t make sense?” Logan looked at Virgil in confusion. “What could possibly cause them to act in such an unnecessary manner?”

“It’s…”

“Envy.” Roman cut Virgil off, and Virgil’s head shot up to look at the creative side. “When I asked Lust why the others call Virgil ‘anxiety’, they said Envy was the reason.”

“No. That can’t be right.” Virgil shook his head, shaking away a memory before it had the chance to play in his mind.

“Lust said Envy was involved,” insisted Roman, leaning back in his chair. “I mean, jealousy would fuel anger and lies, right?”

Logan nodded in agreement, considering the natural relationship that would have existed between the three impulses. Patton’s hand slid from Virgil’s shoulder as the side stood up.

“Envy hasn’t got anything to do with this. Lust was wrong.”

“Why would Lust lie?” Roman stood to maintain eye contact with the other side, looking hard at his dark rimmed eyes. “Clearly there is more going on than you understand.”

“You don’t understand any of it!” Virgil snapped, “so don’t act like you know anything.”

 Virgil went to walk away but Roman wasn’t letting him run away this time. “Just wai…” He reached out to Virgil, grabbing him by his left forearm.  

Pain erupted up Virgil’s arm, it’s sudden intensity so unexpected that he cried out and found himself on his knees; tears pricking at his eyes instantly.

“What was that?” Logan stood and watched on as Patton jumped out of his seat and moved to Virgil’s side in an instant.

“I just. I-I-I’m sorry” Roman stuttered, fear and concern in his voice. He took a few unsteady steps back and stared at his trembling hands, confused and concerned about what he had done.

Virgil finally felt the pull of his room and wanted to return, but Patton’s presence in front of him made him stop. He leaned in close and whispered so only Virgil could hear. “I know you want to run, but please don’t leave me in the dark. Just this once… let me help you.”

Virgil’s body shook and he blink back the tears in his eyes.

Patton knelt in front of him, shielding him from Roman and Logan’s view; his eyes were closed, as if he was willing Virgil to listen to him. Why is he doing this? After everything I’ve said, he still wants to help me.

Virgil vanished, pulling Patton with him… he couldn’t leave the side begging on the ground like that.

 Roman and Logan were left alone in the common area; the creative side was feeling utterly crushed.

“I-I don’t know what happened. B-believe me, Logan. I only grabbed his arm.”

Logan nodded, “I believe there is more going on than we are able to comprehend at this time. Maybe Patton will be successful in gathering some additional information… If you would allow it, Roman, I would like to see this mirror you spoke about.”

Roman sighed and started walking towards the hall, “come on then. Can’t mess anything up doing that I guess.”

Logan reached a hand out to stop Roman in his tracks, moving to stand next to the creative side. “You can’t blame yourself for Virgil’s reaction. Jumping to conclusions has gotten us all in trouble lately. As much as it may seem that you have done something wrong, I am sure hindsight will prove otherwise. Focus on that for now.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

Logan adjusted his glasses and smirked at Roman, “so that is why you hate me.”

 ******************************************************************************************* 

Patton heard a splash and opened his eyes. He found himself laying on his back in a forest clearing; Virgil was nowhere in sight.

“Virgil?” He looked around at the forest, taking in the unfamiliar area. His voice echoed around slightly.

Patton stood and called out again “Are you here, Kiddo?”

He continued to look around when he noticed Virgil’s hoodie lying near the edge of a stream, fear gripping his chest. Patton rushed forward. “Virgil?!”

Virgil resurfaced from the water just as Patton reached the edge, panic filled the moral sides eyes.

“Virgil?! Are you ok? Let me help.”

“I’m fine, Pat. Are you alright?” Virgil started swimming towards the edge to meet Patton. “Sorry if I freaked you out.”

“I’m fine. But… but what is this place.” Patton looked around in awe.

“This is my territory. I know it isn’t the prettiest place, but it’s mine.”

 The forest light appeared darker than normal and more of the trees were being overrun by a dark rot. Virgil took it as a sign that Depression was holding more power over the area; an expected consequence of using the seals energy to escape the cliff edge. He regretted doing that now he knew the impulses were just one of Deceit’s tricks.

Patton sat cross-legged and looked around the area in awe. “This is amazing. So, you come and swim here all the time, like a little mermaid?”

“No. Not really. It’s just good for… healing.” Virgil began walking out of the water, showing off a purple ripped T-shirt and a black pair of shorts.

Patton’s eyes fell on Virgil’s left arm, as purple and blue bruising faded to a more casual grey around clear burn scars. He stood and walked right into the water to inspect Virgil’s arm.

“Virgil, how did this happen? Did Roman do that? Was it from the cliff? Did…”

Virgil pulled his arm out of Patton’s hands, shaking his head. “I did this to myself, Pat. All Roman did was reveal what I was trying to hide.”

“What is there to hide? If you were hurt, why didn’t you let us help?”

Virgil walked out of the water and conjured a blanket to sit on, and a towel for Patton and himself. “Like I said, I did this to myself. It isn’t your problem to worry about.”

Virgil sat down and pulled the towel around himself; Patton following behind.

“You might think that it isn’t our problem, but we’re friends, Virgil. We want to help and watch out for you.”

 Virgil shifted and looked out across the water, absently running his fingers over his scars; just barely feeling Lust and Ego’s marks now. The pain was dulling thanks to the water; it was a relief to be back in his territory and, although he was tired, he was happy to feel somewhat normal.

“Wanting to help doesn’t make it any easier. This isn’t simple stuff, Pat. You don’t deserve to be weighed down by my problems.”

“But we can help… look at when Roman and I were stuck in the past, longing for Thomas' ex. You, and Logan, helped us to move on. We wouldn’t have been able to do that on our own. If we didn’t share our problems, we never would have been able to move on…and Thomas would have suffered.”

“Yeah, but...”

“You can rebut my statements all you want, but it won’t change that fact that I want to help, Virgil. I know your instinct is to keep us out, but my instinct is to let you in. Can we meet in the middle? Just tell me what I need to know to make sure you are safe…. You did it with Roman at the cliff edge. I heard you do it with Logan. Can you do it with me?”

 Geez. This is a lot to take in. What do I even tell Patton? Where do I start?

Virgil pulled his arm out from the towel and looked down at his scars. Am I ready to remember this? Is Patton ready to hear this?

A breeze ran through the clearing, rustling the trees and whispering in Virgil’s ear, “ReMeMbEr.”

 “Ok, Pat. But…” Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. “You need to promise me something.”

“Anything, Kiddo. I’m all ears,” Patton cupped his hands around his ears and giggled.

“You can’t interrupt. Ok? No questions or puns…just, listen.”

Patton put his hands in his lap and took on a solemn tone, “I promise.”

“Shit, this feels weird. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Just start wherever feels right for you.”

Virgil took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting his mind find the memories he had pushed away many times before.

 ******************************************************************************************* 

Virgil couldn’t remember his fusions. He always knew when he had fused with another impulse; he felt different and more powerful after every fusion. Normally he woke up in an area of the mindscape with a funny, powerful feeling and that was the end of it. One day though, he woke up different.

 Multiple impulses were hanging out around the enlarged stream, messing around and enjoying a Saturday night free of worries, concerns and mischief. They called this the 'Safe Space'. The territory, and room, were the only places were all the impulses felt safe. They could heal their injuries and conjure items will a lot less fuss and it became their unofficial home. Most of the impulses had other territories where they could do the same thing; only a handful of impulses were limited to only having power in the Safe Space. Hood and Jacket were two of those impulses. Everything was fine, until it wasn’t.

 Virgil couldn’t remember what happened next, and neither did any of the other impulses. All they knew was that a dark energy entered the territory and when they woke many impulses were gone, and the once nameless Jacket had a title. The impulses called it the Fusion Storm because they assumed there had been a mass fusion; but that was all that was known about it.

 After years of being nameless and using assigned nicknames, he finally had a title: Anxiety. He had no idea what it meant, but it was his. It was after that moment that he found his other nameless friend lying behind the waterfall.

 “Hood? You alright?” Anxiety shook his friends’ shoulder until his eyes slowly opened.

“Jacket? What happened?” Hood lent forward and rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t know what happened? But I found something… I found my title, Hood. I’m … I’m not nameless anymore,” Anxiety smiled awkwardly at his friend. “I’m Anxiety.”

Hood stared at Anxiety in shock, before smiling, “that’s great…Anxiety. I found my title too.”

Hood stood and Anxiety followed as he walked out into the clearing. “Well? What is it?"

"Depression."

 ******************************************************************************************* 

"Oh my gosh! So, Depression is real?"

Virgil frowned at Patton. "What happened to the promise?"

Patton covered his mouth and winced. "I'm sorry. I forgot."

Virgil looked up at the blue sky; not a single cloud tarnished the blue canvas. If it wasn't for the dark trees at the edge of his vision, he could almost believe he was at the cliff edge.

"Ok," Patton said tentatively. "Depression is a real impulse... And he was your friend?"

"Yeah. For a long time, he was the only person who understood me. We both had no title. We were both shunned by the others. We were both bad for Thomas."

"Oh, now you know that isn't true." Virgil gave Patton a knowing look and the moral side heaved a heavy sigh. "Sorry. I guess it didn't feel like that back then. So, where is he now?"

Should have known Pat couldn't help himself. "He's...sealed away."

"Where? No, Why? What happened between you guys?"

So much for not asking questions. "Depression and I had different... views on what Thomas needed. I wanted to keep Thomas safe and make sure he knew of all the possible outcomes of a situation. Depression wanted... Well, he felt..." Virgil struggled to find the words to explain. "After the fusion storm, he changed. He was even sadder than normal and he... He thought Thomas needed to share in his sadness. Kept saying there was safety in sadness."

 ****************************************************************************************** 

"Don't you think you are being a little rough on Thomas? Life is scary but it's not that bad."

Anxiety stood behind Depression; watching the ghostly image of Thomas in bed fade. Depression had made him stay in bed for most of the day, ignoring the calls of his family to come out for breakfast and lunch.

"Nothing good is going to happen. It's not worth it."

"A-are you s-sure?"

"You're the one that is always talking about how bad Thomas is going to fail." Depression turned to look Anxiety in the eyes. "I'm just saving you some time. No shadows to deal with if we just do nothing."

 Anxiety fidgeted with his sleeves and rocked slightly on his feet. He hated having to deal with the shadows that formed in the room. The two impulses worked together to absorb them and keep them away from the others; a task that they kept completely secret. As far as any other impulse was concerned, the shadows came and went as they pleased.

"Yeah. I guess. But..."

"But what? You are always complaining about the shadows." Depression turned and walked towards the portal for the room. "I'm helping us AND Thomas. It's a win win."

"How do you know this is the right thing, though? It just... It doesn't feel right to me."

Anxiety followed Depression into the room and was met with two shadows; quickly engulfing him.

 "You are stressing yourself out, Anxiety," laughed Depression. "This is perfectly fine, and you know it. If it was wrong, then why is the room accepting me more and more? I think I'm becoming a core side, and you are too."

Anxiety curled up on a nearby lounge, "I am not a core side."

"Then who is that secret room for?" Depression folded his arms and looked at his friend.

"I don't know what you are talking about," grumbled Anxiety.

Depression pointed at one of the cupboards. "The room hidden in there. Don't try and hide it old friend, I know you can feel it too. You know it is there."

Anxiety looked away; Depression moved closer and lent over the huddled impulse.

"Trust me, Anxiety. This is the way it is meant to be. I'll be a core side, soon enough. Those other sides won't know what hit 'em. We'll have full control and Thomas will be the way we want him to be. Inside. Safe. Forever."

  ******************************************************************************************* 

"Well that wouldn't have been fair." Patton was talking out loud without even realising; looking out into the distance. "If Thomas just stayed inside, he would never have become the performer he is today."

Virgil sighed, "I know. As much as I wanted Thomas to stick to familiar places, I knew he couldn't always do that. He had things to do."

"So, you told Depression that, right?"

"I tried." Virgil looked down at his hands. "Depression was... Set in his thinking and I wasn't... Strong enough to stand up to him alone."

"Why didn't you tell us about it? I mean, Logan and I were around at that time, right? Was Roman a core side when this happened?"

A laugh escaped Virgil's lips and Patton looked at him in shock. "Honestly, Pats, would any of you have listened to me if I popped into your territories?" Patton opened his mouth to respond before closing it again. As much as it pained him to admit it, Virgil had a point. The sides never would have taken him seriously back then; the other two didn't even take him seriously after Virgil initially became a core side.

"Your silence speaks volumes."

 The wind blew through the clearing again and Virgil felt...relief. He watched as the darkness on one of the trees slowly receded.

Well that is weird. Is this what you wanted me to do?

Virgil didn't expect an answer to his question. Despite his nervousness about talking to Patton, the area was responding in a positive way and he was feeling good; in a rather strange way.  

Standing, Virgil grabbed his hoodie and slipped it back on. Patton sat and watched in silence; unsure of what to say next.

Chapter index ---------------- next chapter 

[sepiadice]

Art Direction of Tabletop RPGs

Dungeons and Dragons is good at being Dungeons and Dragons.

That shouldn't be a controversial opinion, and it's not worded as one, yet I have one friend who derisively labels it as a war game, and another friend who believes D&D is all you need in regards to TRPGs. These two are from distinct eras of my life, and have never met.[1]

My moderate view is such: Dungeons and Dragons is good. It's not the ultimate system, but if you want a western fantasy built on the framework of Tolkien, Fifth Edition is the way to go. You could use a different system, in theory, but no other system has the same reach and stability. Everyone knows D&D, which is valuable.

Its combat and mechanics are a good balance of grit and function, and it's mostly teachable. My friend's 'wargaming' derision is because he believes it doesn't support role-playing well. Something about the guy who wrote Dungeon World saying if it's not in the rules, it’s not in the game.[2] But I've always felt that D&D makes the right decision in not bogging it down with structure and dictating the 'correct' way to role-play.

However, if you want to do anything else (Sci-fi, non-european fantasy, superheroes, Slice of Life), best case scenario the seams will creak in the attempt. D&D is good at being D&D, and that's the limit.

I appreciate D&D. I'll play D&D, happily!

There's a reason I bristle when “DM” is used as the generic term.

That said, I've always had a sort of tonal disconnect when I play D&D, and it's because of the art.

Fair warning, what follows is a lot of personal interpretations and vague mumbling trying to relay a point. I’m not actually an authority on anything.

(Dungeons & Dragons owned by Wizard of the Coast . Image sourced from Wikipedia)

Dungeons and Dragons does not have pretty art. It’s technically well done, and far from ugly, but it’s not actually inspiring. Above we have the cover of the Player’s Handbook, the first thing most new players see. Setting aside that the focus of the cover art for what should be the book about Player Characters is a giant monster man[4], the cover is very orange. The actual people are composed of muted, neutral colors, and the background is vague and out of focus.

It’s not really conveying an air of fantastic worlds and larger-than-life characters (giant wearing a dragon skeleton aside). It coveys oppression, monotony, and “realism”.

(Pathfidner owned by Paizo. Image sourced from Wikipedia)

Pathfinder’s core rulebook, on the other hand, is colorful. Look at that big, bright dragon![5] Sensibly dressed Fighter Man’s brown clothes are still bright enough to pop him out from the green-grey dungeon background[6], and Fantastic Sorceress’s red dress is also bright and helps frame the Fighter as her hand glows with magic.

While both covers feature a woman with an orb of magic, D&D’s cover shows magic as contained and lighting a small space, while Pathfinder’s magic is big and trailing, hinting at movement.

Actually, D&D’s mage girl doesn’t have a cohesive movement. Is she falling from above? Jumping in from the left? Where is she going? It doesn’t really follow in a meaningful way.

Anyways: color. Yes, yes, I know the plague of brown and and muted tones is a much whined about criticism, and it might seem odd from someone calling himself SepiaDice, but neutral tones have their place; usually as background and supporting other colors to pop more.

Besides, Sepia has a noble history in film, the brown range isn’t a common image color, and Sepia is fun to say.[7]

Color choice is very important. Bright colors draw the eye and make visuals more distinctive. Bright colors also denote and bring energy to things. Dull colors are used for locations meant to be calm and sedate. If you want the characters and locations to seem fun and full of life, you fill it with bright colors.

Everything breaths, adventure can strike at anytime!

Dull colors, and it’s hibernation. People are around, but they don’t seem to enjoy it.

But let’s turn to the visual storytelling: what does each cover tell you about life in their setting?

D&D: lots of posing to look fancy, but there’s no real sense of energy. Jumpy Magerson’s weird Megaman hop has been mentioned, of course. The Giant has a look of dull surprise as he drops Jumpy Magerson,[8] as he holds a sword in the non-active hand. Foreground fencer man is wide open, holding his own foil up and away from where it might accidentally jab anyone. The locations is… orange? Looks like there might be lava geysers?

Patherfinder: A dragon roars at its enemies! Teeth bared, tongue coiled, tendons on display! Wings unfurled to make it seem larger! The fighter is yelling back at the dragon, his weapons mid-swing! Shoulder forwards to defend the rest of the body! The Sorceress is holding a firm stance as she casts a spell that crackles with arcane energy!

Pathfinder���s cover tells a story of epic combat, fizzly magic, and energy. D&D’s cover tells a story of two adventurers existing in a space also occupied by a giant.

Now, both of these systems have the same ancestry, as Pathfinder is an iteration on D&D 3.5.[9] But one sparks more joy when I look at it.

But let’s do another case study. I’ll need an audience volunteer, and my brother’s the only person immediately on hand.

I’m going to make him list three qualities of goblins real quick:

Green

Wimpy

Sneaky

Awesome. Don’t know if the green text translated, but those are what he wrote. Give him a hand!

So, with those three traits in mind, let’s look at a goblin picture from D&D Beyond:

(Owned by Wizards of the Coast. Source here)

Like, you can’t say D&D doesn’t call that a goblin, it’s literally on the goblin page.

This guy is yellow. He’s built like a four foot tall WWE Wrestler. He’s defending with his advancing arm as he rears up to smack ya!

(Okay, “Sneaky” is a hard one to argue.)

Moving on, what does Pathfinder call a Goblin:

(Owned by Paizo. Source here)

Look at this charming miscreant! Green. Big ole head. Good mix of of ugly and oddly adorable. Probably two feet tall, and happens to want your two feet, please, but you could step on him if you’d like.

He also looks like a Gremlin

(An adorable little chaos monster owned by Warner Brothers. Source)

Point is, Pathfinder’s more cartoony take on the classic monster feels more in the spirit of the thing. Every time I see one of those goofy faces, I feel like I’m in for an enjoyable time.

Bringing us back around to the point of this essay: the art direction of D&D bogs down my theater of the mind. The art in the rulebooks don’t inspire creativity or fantastic visions. It inspires… dull, lifeless people walking through dirt roads flanked by dead grass.

I don’t enjoy looking at D&D’s art. Relatedly, I don’t like looking at the art of Magic: the Gathering, whose style I can’t help by see in every D&D sourcebook cover I see. Neither game invokes an inviting world, but utilitarian ones that exist to give quick, forgettable visual flair to represent mechanical card effects.

To save making this long essay even longer and unfocused, I’ll save talk of actual ‘canon’ lore for another time.[10]

So why do I, a semi-professional funny man and sad dreamer who can’t actually draw, want to talk about rulebook art?

Well, I’ve always felt a disconnect when I play D&D. I make the characters, I roll the dice, I attempt to role-play, but I’ve always had an emotional gap between me and the character I’m playing. I like the concept, but when I use my theater of the mind, the character feels stiff and divorced from everything. Kind of like the 5th Edition rulebook.

Then I saw this:

(Source tweet. All of this artist’s work is great and I wish I could hire them.)

This half-elf showed up on my twitter timeline, and my first thought was ‘How come my characters don’t look like that?’

Soon followed by ‘Why couldn’t they?’

Then I completed the trilogy with ‘Why haven’t I imagined my characters in a style appealing to me?’

As I was deep into contemplating what sort of aesthetic I consider my “brand”,[11] it was entering a mind primed to start overanalyzing.

So, how do I imagine my characters? In the neighborhood of the D&D art, if I have  firm concept. Micah Krane always was mentally nebulous to me, just kinda being a generic half-elf dude. Trix (who was created for the brightly colored Pathfinder) is green-haired and wears a tail coat, but otherwise is also normal looking in my mind’s eye. In the last two D&D campaigns, Tybalt was also vague in appearance, and Teddi had Goat horns, but those were meant to stand out on a generic rogue character.[13]

But you know what I’ve never put on a character I’ve played? Glasses.

I hope that those who read my various media reviews[14] don’t need this overly explained, but I like glasses. I, myself, don’t wear glasses, but I find them to be great accessories in character design. Frames the eyes, come in a variety of shapes, adds bit of extra visual interest. I always point out Meganekkos and pay them extra attention.[15] I really, really like girls with glasses.

But I’ve never made one. Because there’s no cute design in D&D rulebooks. Just a range of handsome people to ugly halflings.[16]

That is the effect of art design in a system. It sets tone, expectations, and aesthetic for the players. It’s so ingrained that everytime I see art of players’ characters that break the standard, it always takes me aback. It’s inspiring to see artists who manage to divorce D&D the game from D&D the art.

I want to imagine fun, personally appealing characters. But the subtle direction of the insert art as I look through to rulebook, or the provided character portraits of D&D Beyond does not suggest things I like to see. It infects the mind, and leaves specific molds. People in practical, mundane clothes, walking down drab, uninteresting roads.

It’s the same lack of escapism that makes Western (Video Game) RPGs super unappealing to me.[17] Dark Souls, Elder Scrolls, Bioshock don’t look like fun places to be, they look tiring and full of splintery furniture waiting to do 1d4 nonlethal damage.

So I have to talk about anime now.

My mother was staying at my home a little while ago, and I turned on My Roommate is a Cat. This prompted her ask me about what about anime was appealing. I couldn’t form a competent answer for the question at the time, but it’s had time to churn in my head.

Anime is a good middle ground between cartoon and realism. It can broach deeper topics and more mature storytelling than children’s cartoons,[18] without sacrificing a light visual tone and fantastic imagery. Also, the fact that it’s produced by a non-American, non-European culture lends a degree of separation with cultural expectations and tropes. Enhances Escapism.

Luckily, in (very) recent years, after generations of exchanging video games and animation back and forth, Japanese Tabletop RPGs are starting to join in on the fun.

Which means I can look at Ryuutama.

(Image copied from DriveThruRPG. Brought over the pacific by Kotodama Heavy Industries. Buy this book.)

I love this system.

Watercolor art direction. Layout evokes a spellbook. Two Characters and a Dog take the focus on the cover, while the road signs and tiny shrine in the background invoke the emphasis on travel and wonder.

The interior art?

(Taken off the Ryuutama (english) website. Buy this book.)

Well, that makes the game just look like fun. Cartoony characters fighting cat goblins. Conflict, but it doesn’t make life feel like a constant struggle. A world I wish to inhabit. There’s also more detailed images of dragons and other world-establishing pictures mixed in to give the art range, but it’s this sort of charming that makes Ryuutama the first rulebook I actually sat and read cover to cover.[19] It’s a good system I already reviewed. Buy this PDF, maybe they’ll reprint the physical book.

Anyways, I’ll admit, the art’s a little too simple for D&D. Perfect for Ryuutama, and the end of the scale I want my mental image to be, but overshoots the sweet spot. And it’s difficult enough to find players for the much more popular 5e, so Ryuutama exclusivity would grind my playtime to zero.

Still, Ryuutama does a great job of setting it’s light, fantastic tone, where D&D has failed me. The art direction of the books, and years of exposure and defaulting to what I assume D&D should look for establishes a mental habit that’s hard to break. Wizards of the Coast has drowned nerd spaces with its particular kind of art, especially with MtG plastered all over hobby stores, deck boxes, dice, playmats, and even D&D sourcebooks.

That’s not even accounting for fanworks and the speculative fiction art in online spaces.

So what do I want to look like? Were I blessed with talent or with patient to actually learn to draw well, what would I be referencing?

What about what set my expectations of fantasy years before IndigoDice invited me to that fateful Traveller game?

(Screen cap of Tales of Vesperia grabbed from here.)

Well, okay, what I’m actually thinking about is Tales of Symphonia, but Vesperia’s graphics are kinda what nostalgia tells me Symphonia tooked like, as opposed to what it actually looks like.[20]

Look at that verdant town! Warm lighting, bright characters, leaves growing to depict life. A hotel built into a tree. This is a fantasy world that is unashamed about life thriving.

Forget solarpunk. This is my aesthetic.

As for the party members…

(Okay, Judith’s a little gratuitous, but The Definitive Edition lets me put her in a suit, and she’s awesome. Art stolen from here.)

Oddly enough, as far as JRPG outfits go, these are pretty tame with details.[21] Mostly bright, popping colors, even Yuri’s dark clothes are done in such a way to not feel grim and edgy, hints of personality, and I just enjoy looking at them.

The Tales series as a whole does a good job of taking European fantasy and applying Japanese whimsy to the design. Also yukatas. Every member looks like the hero of their own story, while still being part of a cohesive whole.

Which is, you know, the ideal way to operate as a TRPG party.

So, what’s the take away?

Artists, keep being creative. Pull inspiration in from things besides the rulebooks and Critical Role. Look at the other things you love and bring visual flare and whimsy to your art. Then share it. Ignite the passions of those of us who can’t do the draw-good thing.

Players, play with the tropes. I love doing it narratively and mechanically. My favorite rogue is still my neutral good stage magician who would never do a crime. Explore what’s possible in the freeform world of tabletop games, both in play and your Theater of the Mind.

Game designers, branch out with the art. And stop using Powered by the Apocalypse as a crutch.[22]

Hope this long ramble was enjoyable and cohesive. If you want more of this, my other works, and maybe to allow me to make an actual play podcast, consider supporting me through Patreon or Ko-fi.

Until next time, may your dice make things interesting.

[1] Though I would love to read a transcript of the two discussing it. It'd be a fun debate. [2] I don't like Powered by the Apocalypse for precisely this reason. Every actual play I've heard with the system has players talking about their characters in the abstract, because they're just pressing the buttons on their character sheet.[3] [3] I maybe should do a breakdown of PbtA one day. [4] Which is pretty poor direction. Do an epic group shot of characters battling a horde around them. [5] None of the D&D core books has a dragon on the cover. Come on, that should’ve been a gimme! [6] Similar note as footnote 5. [7] Also CornflowerBlueDice is too long to be catchy. [8] I figured it out! [9] I haven’t looked at at Pathfinder’s forthcoming second edition. Fifth Edition reclaimed it’s throne as The ubiquitous system after fourth lost its footing, so I don’t think there’s much point. [10] TL;DR: I ignore it. [11] Pulp Fantasy is too mundane. Steampunk is too victorian-y. Sci-fi fractals into so much. Solarpunk has appeal, but isn’t quite right.[12] [12] Haven’t really found the term. [13] Let’s not examine that I put more thought into female character design than male for the moment. [14] Which you should. Validate my efforts! [15] And desperately pray it’s considered innocent enough of a fetish that I don’t have to stop. [16] Never liked halflings. Gnomes are fine. Halflings, in art, have always been off-putting and malformed. [17] That and the emphasis of character customization kneecapping the Player Character’s narrative involvement. Can’t give them a personality if that’s the end user’s job! [18] Even Avatar: The Last Airbender felt like it had to sneak the narrative depth it achieved past corporate. [19] I do need to give it a reread, though. Relearn the system. [20] It still looks good, especially the environment, but the characters are kind of… leaning towards chibi. [21] This, specifically, is why I chose to highlight Vesperia over Rune Factory. [22] Technically nothing to do with this essay, but I can’t stress this point enough.

[sweet--sensation]

tadhana - (ft. hwang minhyun) part 1

character: hwang minhyun x oc genre: vampire!au ; college!au ; angst ??? warning: i don’t proof read. wHewxz special chapter(s). part 2 here.

“At the unexpected Meeting of worlds There are only a few that connect”

There was something about them that had always been hauntingly beautiful. An eerie sort of presence and literal chills seeming to fill the surroundings of places they occupy. Pale skin yet rosy lips and cheeks, bright eyes yet cold stares.

Ju Wontak, Jung Chaeyeon, Kwon Hyunbin, Lee Haein, Kim Nayoung, Ha Minho, Choi Minki, and the most hauntingly beautiful of this group, Hwang Minhyun.

The thing that draws people towards them had always been the fact that they were all good looking, breath taking even and always amongst themselves. The mysterious aura that always captures the attention of people, ‘what if they give me that spare of a glance they never give others’, the unspoken thoughts by both boys and girls of their university.

Jiwon couldn’t blame them tho, there was something about this group that had always been so enticing. The elite, all clumped up together all the time and no one easily being able to penetrate their small circle almost like the Cullens from that one story she never really enjoyed. The way things panned out were… weird to say the least but the difference with this group had been the fact that they had friends outside of this circle but none of these outside friends ever added up to their small group of friends.

And number 9 on her list, as much as people tried being close to them, it seemed as if no one ever asked why their clique never really grew. There had been upperclass men with them through the years but along with those others, their circle had still been impossible to penetrate.

It would have been understandable that they had close ties due their courses, but nearly each of them had been in different year levels and running around in different courses.

They were a popular bunch, and as stated above, the reason obvious. Perhaps the weirdest thing about them is that, no matter how much one says none of them are in their ideal type list, anyone who speaks to them seems to fall in some sort of trance.

These had just been a few things Jiwon had noticed, listed down as scribbles on her notebook whenever she was bored from class discussion.

Shin Jiwon.

A journalism student with a strong thirst for truth, tenacious and always on top of her game with every research paper ever assigned or given. Not necessarily  the type to get perfect marks every single time, but still, hard work in school always paid off.

It would be a lie if she said that they never got her curious, even just a bit. Journalism student or not, who wouldn’t like to know more about them but unlike most the students, she didn’t that have much desire to get to know any of them although Nayoung had been also been a member of the university’s official club for it’s official publications along side with Jiwon, they never really talked out of meetings and she had to give it to Nayoung, there was always something compelling about her that made everyone listen.

As the bell rang for the class’ dismissal, everyone started shoving their things inside their bags, some scurrying to get to their next class, some probably on their way home and others doing errands or so, university life had always been pretty busy but unpredictable.

As Jiwon took her time to arrange her stuff, an hour before the class in the room starts and half an hour as well before the scheduled meeting with one of her advisers for a research paper.

A few students started to flood in, a sudden shiver running down her spine as she lifts her head up, accidentally meeting gazes with a pair that had entered the room. Chaeyeon with her usual stoic stare, flawless as ever, pale skin enhancing further her already almost inhumane beauty but that wasn’t who held her gaze.

A piercing, almost hungry look in Minhyun’s eyes as goosebumps could be felt from her arms and as if every single hair on the back of her neck stood. It was the first time she’d ever stare at him this long, normally Jiwon would have tore her gaze right away, but there was something she couldn’t explain that made her freeze in her spot and never, in her whole life had this happen. She was known to be tenacious and eye contact was nothing, but with Minhyun, there was something terrifying about the way he looked at her.  As if he was reading into the depths of her soul, as if he was able to see into her heart what seemed to scare her the most.

She could feel her heart slowly filling in with terror, what had been a few seconds felt hours too long until Chayeon had stepped inbetween them, breaking eye contact.

Jiwon had scampered out of the room, leaving a few notebooks behind that she had totally forgotten, needing to hold onto the rail by the stairs to catch her breath and calm herself down.

Legs shaking over what had just happened, unable to explain any of it. Jumpy for almost half the day. Unfocused, and completely distracted, the same piercing gaze still vivid in her memory each time she closed her eyes.

“Eonnie…” A voice breaking her away from her thoughts, a voice laced with worry as she bends down a little bit to check. It had been Gayoung, a fellow student that’s a batch younger than Jiwon. “You haven’t been looking so well. I’ve been trying to talk to you the past minutes but you’ve been so out of it”

“Oh” Jiwon’s voice still a tad bit shaky over the earlier encounter. They were suppose to come up with an article for the quarter’s university paper but as they were trying to brainstorm, she just couldn’t get him out of her head. It had been a terrifying experience, one she had taken to herself to never mingle with any of their group ever again.

“Here’s the water you asked for” 

Her gaze cautiously turning as she looks over where the voice had come from. It had been Wontak, holding out a bottle of water towards Gayoung who murmured a thanks along with a soft smile, who inreturn had placed it inbetween the older female’s hand. There was, warmth…. and if she wasn’t wrong, a gaze laced with affection for her younger friend but had soon turned into a familiar cold piercing stare as their eyes met, another set of chills running down her spine, but not as terrifying as how it had been with Minhyun earlier.

Realizing this much, Wontak and Gayoung had been a little bit of an item around school but Gayoung never found around Wontak’s group of friends, making most people dismiss the idea that they were dating.. or anything of the like.

The eye contact was short yet had managed to make a little bit of an impact. As soft as his features could have been, Wontak felt as if he was dangerous.

“Do you want us to take you home?” Gayoung’s voice resounding in her ears again, broken away once more from her thoughts. As much as Jiwon had insisted no, the younger had been far more persistent into taking care of the older female and agreeing they drop her off a block away from her home instead.

Thinking they were taking the bus, Jiwon had been a little quiet and instead greeted with a black sedan. Gayoung ushered into the front seat and the other female slipping herself at the back. Jiwon watched quietly with a smile how caring the male had been, their cute yet playful little bickering over the seat belt. As much as Wontak screamed danger in her head, it was nice to see someone from the small circle of friends taking good care of someone that wasn’t part of them plus the car had made her think that it the mystery behind their friendship would have been being heirs to huge companies. That wasn’t a far fetched idea. Sons and daughters of the wealthiest families being friends with each other.

“We’re just waiting for someone then we’re going” Wontak had tried to mask the harsh tone in his voice in which Jiwon had only nodded, the younger female taking a glance to give the older female an encouraging smile.

And as cautious she was around Wontak, the words slipping out of Jiwon’s lips almost unconsciously. “Are you two dating?” It wasn’t in her place to pry, the immense blush on the younger female’s cheeks and the shy grin that painted over the male’s lips was enough as an answer. They could deny all they want, but their visible expressions were more than enough proof.

“Sorry, Minki had me held up with some—thing” His voice trailing away once he realizes who the presence was beside him after getting in the car. Jiwon immediately stiffening, clutching her bag tightly and Minhyun almost shutting up immediately.

It was the first time Jiwon had ever been so close to Minhyun, hell it was the first time she actually heard his voice. It sounded melodic and yet that same melody filled with nothing but sorrow. It was chilling still, but unlike from earlier, it was a different kind.

The car ride had been awkward, for both Jiwon and Minhyun atleast, the two people infront had been far too immersed in their own conversation to probably even care.

“You left these” His voice seeming to fill the back seat, no matter how quiet is tone had been. Jiwon, unable to hold her head up to meet his gaze in fear but eyes wondering to his hand that had been holding two of her notebooks.

“Oh” Was all she could say, muttering a thanks while taking both from him. Minhyun had not said anything about their previous interaction earlier, and Jiwon who had been known to be fearless when it came to seeking answers for questions, had been all too quiet about it too.

The car ride continued to be as awkward as it had been earlier, it felt as if there were more stops today than the other days. The car feeling a little chilly despite the aircondition being turned off.

Other than the deafening silence at the back, everything felt swell until Wontak seemed to have picked up speed with panic and annoyance written all over his face.

The last thing Jiwon had felt had been cold hands holding onto her cheeks, gently forcing her to look at the male, the last thing the female had seen were silver eyes before everything turned black and then nothing.

“They tried attacking us”

The voice was definitely familiar, although the conversation completely blurry.

“No, we can’t risk their safety and you know that!”

It was some sort of bickering between the two males. Jiwon couldn’t figure out what they’d been fighting about.

“You know why we have to keep her safe”

That had been the last statement she heard before falling back into the darkness.

10:37PM, it read, printed in red on the digital clock. Her sight still blurry as she’d tried to sit up, holding onto her head. The rest of the afternoon felt fleeting, Jiwon had been unsure what had happened. All she could remember was that they were being chased, then gazing into Minhyun’s eyes—

Minhyun’s eyes.

Her eyes widening ever so slightly as she remembers every single detail of his face. He was inches apart, and just when she thought he couldn’t grow anymore beautiful, he had definitely proved her wrong but his beauty wasn’t her main concern. The silver glint in his eyes, his supposed warm brown orbs turning into an impossible color.

“You’re awake” It was Gayoung, almost breathless, still clad in her earlier clothes but her leg wrapped in bandage and a post of brown already formed. Before Jiwon could speak, Wontak had followed inside the room greeting a figure from across the bed, one she had failed to notice.

There was a male figure sitting by the window, the moonlight sipping through the curtains illuminating his face. The eerie beauty fitting the darkness, and low light slowly filling the room as the lamp by the bed had been turned on.

“I can’t remember anything… W-what happened?”

None of the three could speak, the two males looking away, there was something different with both their gazes. Brown orbs missing once more, a hint of red perhaps glinting through the light, or maybe it was just an illusion.

“We… we were being followed by kidnappers, well– suspected kidnappers atleast…” The younger female started out as she sat on the edge of the sofa from where Jiwon previously laid. “They were after us and things got completely out of hand just thankfully nothing serious happened” she continued on.

There was something about the story that she couldn’t buy but had kept her mouth shut, admittedly it had been hard for her to stop herself from all the questions running through her mind and instead settled with something else. “Where are we?”

Minhyun’s gaze slowly falling back towards the female, he had opened his mouth to answer but shut it right back and looked away again.

“My house” Wontak said simply before heaving a small sigh. “I have to go to the hospital with Gayoung. We’ll back” He added in, his voice compared to how it was from earlier felt a lot more drained as if completely tired, completely worn out. There was more to what actually happened than how their story was being told.

As the two had taken their leave, Minhyun continued to stand to where he’d been since the female had woken up. Silence once more between the two of them, it seemed as if it were to be like that until the two came back but he finally spoke up.

“So… how are you feeling?” He had asked, although his gaze still lingering else where.

“A little dizzy but… I’m okay” Jiwon answered in a whisper like manner. Frustration slowly taking over, she couldnt’ understand anything that had been happening. If it had been a kidnap case then there was no need for her nor Gayoung to be involved. Those people wouldn’t benefit from them even if they threaten their lives.

“Do you… need.. water?” He asks unsure, the females eyebrows knitting together in utter confusion but answers with a yes anyway. She quietly watches as the male walks away to get her a glass.

“thanks” Jiwon mumbles, a small gasp escaping her lips as her fingers touch his. Cold. As if he’d dip them in ice water, quite a contrast to the warmth of the glass filled with water.

“Do you uhm.. need anything else?” it had been as if the cold exterior had melted away and gaze he always had that seemed so stare into one’s soul had turned warm. Like a safe haven for moments, one felt lost and unsure where to go.

“Uhm– I.. no. It’s fine” The female answered, a tad flustered over the complete change from the male’s actions. “I just… what happened?”

It was almost regretting to ask the question as soon as she had said it, the warm gaze going back hard in a split second. Minhyun’s lips pressing together into a grim line, as if today’s events had been a horrifying nightmare for him.

“I do have the right to know” Jiwon muttered looking down on her hands as she quietly takes a sip, purposely avoiding his eyes incase she starts to feel the same terrifying feeling she had when she’d been sucked into his stare from earlier.

“Why? You wouldn’t understand. You wouldn’t believe it anyway” His tone becoming harsh again, the iciness laced within them sending the same shivers the had felt from earlier.

“you’d think we were joking, who the fuck would believe in vampires?”

A voice seemed to have sounded around her head, making her look up at Minhyun. The voice was clearly his, but he’d been too far away for her to hear in such proximity, as if it had been played right inside her thoughts.

“What did you say?” Jiwon asked, baffled over the sentence. It wasn’t a good joke, if any of this had been a prank, they took it too far and was ready to sue. There was slight confusion in the male’s expression over the way the female had asked.

“You wouldn’t understand, you wouldn’t believe us” Minhyun repeated with a frown, the stoic gaze becoming a glower. It would be a lie if Jiwon would tell she wasn’t atleast one bit afraid of him right now, there was something completely off about him, the same kind of dangerous she felt around Wontak, but in a way, the buzzing sirens in her head going haywire. The mystery around them frightening her a little bit.

“Y-you said something about vampires” she had tried to sound unfazed by his stare, head held up high but her petite body starting to tremble.

“I did not” He answered back, his glower turning back again into a frown. “Atleast not out loud”

there it was again, his voice seemingly coming from your thoughts.

“What the fuck is happening?!” Her voice starting to raise, everything felt too much to take in. The saying that anything can happen in a day surely felt more like a bitter thought than anything right now.

“I told you, you wouldn’t understand nor would you believe us”

“then go ahead and try me”

idk man. lmao. idk.

I have a solid plot in my head but I can’t seem to write it down properly ugh but hope you guys enjoy. Might take about a total of 3 or 4 chapters in total. ugh, - admin e

[nothingneverforever]

music albums of my 2017

Saturation (2017), Brockhampton ice cream or ......... (2017), Various Artists (compiled by me, Gen & Jade) Déjà Vu (1970), Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Scenery (1976), Ryo Fukui Hardcore Will Never Die, but You Will (2011), Mogwai Trouble Will Find Me (2013), The National Face Your Fear (2017), Curtis Harding Can't Buy a Thrill (1972), Steely Dan Stardust (1978), Willie Nelson Happy Songs for Happy People (2003), Mogwai Metaphorical Music (2003), Nujabes Desire (2017), Hurts Atomic Bomb (1997), Rivermaya The Best of Van Morrison (1990), Van Morrison Nine Treasures (2014), Nine Treasures Plastic Beach (2010), Gorillaz The MHC EP (2015), Mediocre Haircut Crew American Boyfriend: A Suburban Love Story (2016), Kevin Abstract

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Start date: December 26th 2017 I’m finally sitting at my desk, for the first time in a very long while. With a YouTube selection of Pink Floyd’s greatest hits playing, I finally understand some things about 2017 that I thought were beyond me.

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

(Comfortably Numb)

When I was a child, I did catch glimpses of what feeling fulfilled was supposed to be, glimpses of what shape I thought I wanted my future to take. Out of the corner of my eye I saw cafes with hodgepodge furniture that could have been more inviting, wallpaper that tried, but could have been a lot nicer, cutlery that could have retained its generic nature with just a little more colour and style, and I thought that was my niche to fill. I had dreams (and a scrapbook full of ideas) of creating my own space that was beautiful and open and warm and giving, and these dreams stayed for long. This year, this tiny slippery speeding blip of a year, I turned to look for that self and those images in my head but they were mostly gone. I can’t put my finger on what changed the romantic café visions into practical social work agency determinations, but the child is grown and the old dreams are gone. New ones stay in the dream realm only for a small while, before being plucked straight from the branch and living their days out over here with me, by my side and not above me. I’m living some of my new, concrete dreams and 2017 was a good home for them. If 2016 was the never-ending year of laborious depression and idle aloneness, 2017 ebbed so away from confusion and brought me to effortfully glowing shores from which I turned back and saw no pain.

On the 31st of December and the 1st of January I cried in public, untriggered for the most part, or if anything then triggered by stimulants completely irrational. They are now far away but I remember in the moment the crumbling of my stability being very scarily familiar, and I worried whether my 2017-is-the-best-year-ever! chant I repeated throughout the days of the year was prophetically accurate in that 2018 shall not be the same. It’s now the middle of January and I feel good again. There are things I need to clear and relationships I will have to redefine but 2018 is set to be a different kind of best year ever.

This post will be different from the last, because a couple of these albums are ones that reached my ears long before 2017, whereas my 2016 roundup was for music that I had only been introduced to in the same year. I guess it is appropriate, for in 2017 I did enjoy more than before turning to, … idk, to old stuffz I guess. So Déjà Vu and The Best of Van Morrison are things I definitely heard playing at home even before I could speak, but I also have Saturation, Face Your Fear and Desire that are new releases from the year. How these albums were consumed is also very different from before, because in 2017 I stopped bringing my iPod out with me, and started driving more. At some point I realized I much preferred listening to my own breathing and footsteps while on my runs, and after a while listening to my own very-much-me music while I was on the bus or train too became quite an uncomfortably fake experience, like I was reaffirming my selfhood in a place where a relinquishing of it would perhaps have been more appropriate. I think from March onward I started only listening to music in my room, which also meant I wanted to turn to different things. Heavier music doesn’t vibrate so comfortably in the dusty mellowness on my blue room, and that’s why cute soft trash like Willie Nelson, The National and Ryo Fukui sat well. In the year I also finally learnt how to properly control my car and drive it well and confidently, and found that during my journeys (short or long) I preferred having the radio on. (for various reasons that are unrelated to anything that is relevant to this post so I will not waste my time). Thank you to Nabil who taught me best how to drive smart and with whom I have nice memories of radio pop songs which shall come to play a big part in my remembrance of the entire year (like Selena Gomez’s It Ain’t Me, for example). Also Jade, with whom I enjoyed at great volumes Daniel Bedingfield’s If You’re Not The One, and Gen who appreciated with me that one line (Who do you think you are? Dreaming 'bout being a big star) from Thunder by Imagine Dragons. I love all my friends :’-) Anyway! The point I am making is that in 2017, unlike the year before, music that meant a lot to me came from other places too besides my own chosen albums and iPod playlists.

BUT ANYWAY

OKAY LET’S START

Saturation (2017), Brockhampton

Aaaah I don’t remember exactly how I came to know of Brockhampton, it could have been an article in the Sunday Times Magazine that my dad puts on my bed every Tuesday night or maybe something I’d read online…? Anyway I remember immediately telling Jade about them, how I liked that they were a seemingly diverse group of very young boys, that they were very LGBTQ-representative and -friendly, that they had formed over a chatroom on the internet, and how genuine and warm their friendships with each other were, rare for a group of males. I’ve since cooled somewhat, maybe because a lot of gross and annoying people have found love for them too, I don’t know, is it stupid of me to feel like that takes away from their genius, having people I don’t respect respect them?

Anyway, I first listened to Star (track 3 on the album), because it was the first thing I saw on their soundcloud page I think, and I loved so much about it. I loved the NBA references (Chris Paul, I'm assistin'/ Ameer going Blake Griffin / Give me forty-eight minutes / We go '04 Pistons), which are much richer and more interesting than the usual LeBron or DWade or Melo namedrop that other less imaginative rappers favour. Maybe I’m biased, because Blake Griffin is #2 in my basketball-heart forever, and because the 04 Pistons are culturally significant, with Rip Hamilton’s face guard and Chauncey Billup’s niceness and, again, its nice how they’re not the first team people talk about today. I also laughed at Bruh, I don't fuck with no white boys/ unless the n***a Shawn Mendes, it’s so typical of assumed-lead singer Kevin Abstract’s humour, and I also just love how Shawn Mendes, the most mediocre and vanilla of celebrity white guys out there would be the exception to his sexual attraction rule.

Having loved Star and how each group member brought a very different energy, not just vocally but lyrical-content wise, to the song, I listened to Saturation in full and got the entire cake when before I had only licked the surface icing. And it was a fuckin nice cake!!!

The first track, Heat, was quite novel to me, especially the verse that screams, unflinching, scarily genuine:

I’ll break your neck so you can watch your back

Fuck you!

I’ll break your neck so you can watch your back

I’ll break your neck so you can watch your back

Fuck you!

I’ll break your neck so you can watch your back

Fuck you!

I don’t know why, but it was the first time I’d thought about someone with a broken neck having visual eyeline with their own back. And it was a cool image to have, heh. I mean, if nothing else it’s very innovative, don’t you think? I was impressed with the creativity, I mean it. Maybe it’s a common saying and I’ve just been missing out on such threats? Either way, it gets me in a vibe and makes me think maybe I too can inject warranted fear into someone someday.

Next to strike my heart was 2pac, track 5. Of course, titled as such, I was bound to pay it more attention than the others, but since I first listened to the album as an unbroken whole, when I first heard it I didn’t know what it was named, the lyrics don’t mention his name at all, but musically it stood out immediately for its mellowed softness and watery sadness. I love it so, so much. The main verse is by Ameer Vann, and I would quote it in full but I think it should be listened to first [here it is – click]. Some lines, like I know there's angels on me /All my dead homies, I know they waiting on me are classic in evoking emotion, predictable in its honesty and reflection, but then Ameer comes up with: I know you used to trust me, I miss the chicken nuggets / And the kisses from her, damn I miss you momma. Can you feel it, the quiet brilliance in wielding different worlds and synthesizing all that stirs the soul? At once you feel the weight of its personalness, the seeming-randomness in fact not at all so, and all that means something to our own selves come to mind. The narrative modes, not just of 2pac but of so many other songs on the album, shift from verse to verse , and the jumpy, stream of consciousness tone from just this line adds so much. It reminded me in fact of one of my own creative pieces, from the final film I had to produce for my 2015 Film Studies final project for the International Baccalaureate. In my script, which was very hodgepodge and unfocused, there was a scene with this voice-over narration (by me):

Think before you move, and think while you move.

一旦我们感到满意，我们可以回去里面了。小时候，我的妈妈喜欢讲：太多太阳也不好。啊。好想我的妈妈哦。

Heh, it’s very pseudo philosophical, my entire 7-minute film was grossly so, and here the Chinese reads: once we feel satisfied, we may go back in. when I was young, my mother used to say: too much sun isn’t good either.  Ooh… How I miss my mother. Is it not reminiscent of Ameer’s 2pac? I remember feeling the need to inject some cheap, immediate emotion into the scene that was otherwise contrived in its trying to relate to earthly universality. And I thought, how better than to invoke the Mother? (not that this was Ameer’s intention, his 2pac seems entirely genuine and beautiful). But you know what I mean, it is an imagery that works, no exceptions. 2pac endeared me a lot to Ameer, and I sought out the first solo song of his that I could find, and loved it immediately too. Besides the momma reference once more, one line in 2pac,  I do some shit I shouldn't seems like it would fit right into this solo song of his, titled I’m Sorry: Then I text them other bitches / I know I'm not supposed to say that / You know my momma taught me better/ I wish I had it all together / But I'm tearing at the seams. Again, the simple frankness is so …. Nice. Nice guy, nice song(s)!

Okay, I don’t want to drone on about the individual songs, this is an album review post, so let me say that this album was fucking huge. Literally, because there are 17 songs, and it was their first full album, and they released 2 more within the same year. These bros are all under … 24/5, so their existence is really, really important. They’re cognitive in ways other boybands aren’t, they’re honest in ways rap used to avoid, they dismiss boundaries and tread both with careful softness and undaunted hard-knuckles, they talk about racism, homophobia, depression/general sadness, rape culture; these just sound like stupid catchphrases but they add a lot to the discourse, especially for their fans who may not be fully conscious of the injustice that swirls around. This is a stupid sounding paragraph that I am not proud of but I think there is importance in noting their specialness. Thank u

Brockhampton is the self-made, self-aware, self-improving hero of the internet hip hop scene. I don’t know what I’m saying, but they’re big and important, thank you.