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sexynetra · 10 months ago
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i tried to rb your grandekofi snippet earlier and i don’t think it worked so i’m here to scream it directly at you :) i love you i love it so far and i am obsessed with the thought of smitten dame. and the whole bit you posted actually (it’s very good)
if you are so inclined i would like to devour another sentence (if you have another you’d care to share) (woah. rhyming on accident how fun) <3
Hi my darling I am so glad you enjoyed it 🥺 dame is SO smitten she is a mess 🥰 I’m gonna work on it more this week for sure I’m excited about this premise! (Also I love you toooooo)
Have a little mini segment as a treat <3:
She couldn’t be blamed, is the thing. Anyone with half a brain would fall in love with Tia. How could they not? Tia was sweet and funny and so, so beautiful.
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geejaysmith · 6 years ago
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On mobile, there are no readmores.
Ok, so maybe the key thing that pisses me off is that either way you dice it, the whole "evil Dirk" bullshit is either the distortion of a writer with a noted history of fanfics distorting characters into their most cynical form if not outright mischaracterizing them for an abuser/victim dynamic, or its commentary about an author who lets their own soapboxing overtake the willing suspension of disbelief in the characters' voices and the fabric of the world, rather than anything the character showed signs of being in the actual text. And if you're going to go "but timeskip! People change!" that's a hack move that Homestuck became far too dependent on in its later run, especially after the retcon, that cons the reader into doing the writer's job in order to try and resolve the cognitive dissonance of, say, a character who *actively did not want* to be what he's just suddenly become, and who's showing a level and flavor of asshole he never was.
Also, having a gay character, who a ton of young readers have identified with for years, suddenly turn bigoted alt-right-in-all-but-name just to make SURE you know he's the bad guy? Idk, that just strikes me as an asshole move. One of several asshole moves, like never addressing how the actions of one or several other characters contributed to his feeling guilty, especially about his sexuality when he's the one gay character whose orientation is directly discussed in the story proper, or how the character who can be reasonably assumed to have the a large hand in contributing to that guilt is never held to account, but instead victimized by Dirk with out-of-the-wild-blue-nowhere transphobic horseshit in the epilogue. In fact, would it be going out on a limb here to say that entire plot point seem to exist *only* for the sake of said out-of-character transphobic horseshit?
Sorry, I was about to say "but this is a whole different rant" but like, no, actually, this pisses me off. It *really* pisses me off how *badly* Dirk gets treated as the one prominent homosexual male character, and it has always pissed me off.
But no, really, the biggest thing pissing me off in the "oh this isn't rational to feel this way, actually, fuck it, I don't care if this is rational, these feelings aren't going away and this shit is PERSONAL now" way, is how most of what makes its way to my dash about Dirk since the epilogues dropped just comes off as uncritical about this. That even in trying to "fix" the damage done, it still tacitly admits there may be some validity to it, instead of staring it down and asking "and what the hell is your justification for that, outside of 'Hussie said so'?"
And let me take a moment to indulge in my neurotic impulse to hedge my own words and say, fine, ok, you want to explore evil!Dirk? Cool, your prerogative, we clearly find this character close to our hearts for very different reasons, whatever. But I don't and never want to see it and now it's everywhere, and people aren't taking to say, fascist Jane with the same gusto as they do to drag my favorite character, whose problems and insecurities are so close to my own he's the first work of fiction I've cried for for since childhood, through the mud.
Oh, and is it worse because this is basically just the same "Dirk is a monster" bullshit I've been fighting since the Great DirkJake Tag Discourse of 2014? Yes. Yes it is. I really do believe that Evil!Dirk - not "he has flaws as a person that result in toxic behavior", not "his actions have resulted in tangible harm and that needs to be addressed", but outright malicious intent or at least such utter disregard for the people he loves that intent is an automatic moot point - in other words, the ugly caricature being paraded around in the epilogues under the fig leaf of authorial approval, alongside the ugly caricatures of Jade and Jane, who only further expose the whole farce - in all its incarnations is and always has been an outright mischaracterization that only holds water if you push for deliberating interpreting the text in the most negative way. And I've spent *years* arguing with myself in my own head because fandom bullshit has convinced me that the only way I can hold an opinion and have a right to speak it is if I can have an airtight argument for my stance, like it's some fucking debate club, or something. And I am done. Dirk is not a monster, never was, and I am *done* screaming at myself in my own head instead of speaking out loud because "oh no, what if I'm wrong on the internet? What if randos online think I'm some dumb yaoi fangirl who's doing an abuse apologism?" Who cares? I know what I fucking read. I know the character that I saw.
You know what happens when you grow up isolated and don't have that first great "I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings like I do and acted like an ass and am now facing consequences - oh god I fucked up, I need to make this better somehow" young, when the stakes are low and you forget about it by puberty? You know how that childhood loneliness gives you a paralyzing fear of rejection that leaves you with a guarded persona, makes you agonize there's something wrong with you? How it makes you feel like you're irreparably broken, irreconcilably different?
I do.
So I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about when I say "it looks a lot like Dirk Strider." Coincidentally, it can also look a lot like Jake English. I know because I've been both. And you'll notice, pile of neuroses though I am, I am neither a victim nor am I a monster.
So. Yeah. Evil!Dirk upsets me greatly and always has and I don't want to see it. Except now it's everywhere and I once again have to tread lightly if I want to find any content of him that isn't made directly by me. A thing I loved has become something that makes me feel feelings that suck. *Again!* And I don't have the time or energy to throw into counteracting it at the moment, unlike with TLCstuck and the retcon a few years back. And yeah, this is personal and no one is responsible for my feelings and emotional wellbeing but me, yes, yes. But also this is my blog and I get to pick what goes on it and this is me telling myself "to hell with what people think when they see it, it's Tumblr, this is the house that personal emotional-fueled discourse built", and also if I didn't get this out I'd kind of end up screaming about it in my head again until all I can articulate is a high-pitched screech? I just need to fucking vent this out so I can get on with my goddamn day and it's out of my head? So maybe it'll quit coming back? It's way too fucking early for this? And oops, this post got way too long and a lot more emotional than I was expecting. Hey, crying helps relieve stress, y'know (Note: I'm not actually crying, it's the principle of the thing).
tl;dr, I have always thought Evil!Dirk was bullshit but it still hurts to see, and while I know I have no reason to bear a grudge against the people writing it as people, on principle, there's a part of me that wants to fucking punch those responsible for putting it back in the fandom consciousness in such a big way? Especially when I'm not seeing anyone pick over the horseshit done to other characters in quite the same way.
That is all. Carry on, I've vented my spleen. I'm gonna toss this post to the wind and go back to Wolf 359 shitposting.
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09yards · 5 years ago
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7 - Houston, I have so many problems (days gone by - nct)
Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist - ao3 link
warning: excessive use of italics in this chapter because apparently I felt like it and I've only worked on this during night hours and honestly it probably doesn't make sense because it isn't edited properly okay love you bye now, enjoy the chapter (:
Mark drowns his sorrows in T Swift, Grey's Anatomy and Ben and Jerrys and we talk about Johnny a whole lot and the pressures of school and life decisions.
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I’ve got a hundred speeches thrown-out speeches I almost said to you
&
Yeah, after all this time, I’m still into you
      Johnny was a good brother, just not exactly role model material. He was protective, but still let you do all the dumb stuff you thought of - like jumping fully clothed in the lake during winter or staying out past curfew because ‘mum will never know, not unless you tell her anyway’ - he was the one there to laugh with you, cry with you, encourage you to do stupid things because you have to live your life. Mark never really understood when Johnny would go on some philosophical rant about how you only get one life, if you aren’t enjoying it then you’re not doing it right.
     He wasn’t constantly thinking about what to do next, how if he did this or that then this would happen. Mark was confused by it in all honestly, he couldn’t comprehend that Johnny studied for fun, wanted to do well not because he felt he had to but because he wanted to. Mark never felt like he made choices purely for himself, he did it for other people or because that’s what he was supposed to do. It wasn’t just academics, Mark was nice to everyone, he it his tongue when he really wanted to correct someone on their opinions (everyone is entitled to their own opinions but the guy was just plain wrong, zero factual basis for his arguments). Mark liked being in control of his own thoughts and feelings, he liked dictating his own life, for once. He just didn’t know how to regain control. He wanted to stop doing things for others, he wanted to be a little selfish – wanted to make himself happy first. He didn’t realise there was absolutely nothing selfish about that at all.
      And then, as stupid as it may sound, Mark started binging Grey’s Anatomy. The medical drama was a major turning point for the sixteen-year-old (at the time), taught him about how he wanted to help people, how he wanted to make a difference to people’s lives. He remembers sitting down and talking to Johnny about it, about how he felt like he’d found his calling. Sure, if anyone asked him now, he’d tell people that he fell in love with medicine as a young child, always playing doctors with his teddy bears and seeing his mum go to work every day, not that Sandra Oh being the magnificent actress she is, made him want to learn more and more about the field, thus he pulled an all-nighter googling different medical pathways and finding what was right for him – and how.
      Johnny was there for all the big decisions in his life. Johnny was there when Mark didn’t realise you were supposed to ‘come out’ if you were anything but straight (frankly, he strongly believed in the idea that no ones sexuality should be pre-determined and that no one should feel the need to define who they are - like that clip in ‘Love, Simon’ which prompted Jisung, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin all telling him to shut up when he went on a rant about how assuming someone’s sexuality is wrong and how coming out shouldn’t just be for the non-heterosexual) and in the midst of his first full-on breakdown over his burgeoning crush on Daniel from year 10 maths, Mark had said ‘he’ around thirty-two times, give or take a few (yes, Johnny had counted just to be sure), and only then had it truly dawned on Johny that this was it, this is the closest Johnny was getting to an ‘I-am-gay-and-this-is-me-coming-out-to-you’ moment. Honestly, it’d made Johnny quite proud - his mother was an avid supporter of the community and they’d grown up completely aware that any and all love was love, nothing wrong with any of it and those who believed otherwise didn’t deserve a lollipop (sue him, he was only eight and that was their mum’s way of describing people who were arseholes without calling them bad names). Johnny was there when Mark, sweating nervously and disgustingly clammy-handed, told them how he wanted to follow in their mothers (actually Meredith Grey’s, not that he was going to tell his mum that) footsteps and become a doctor too. Why he was so nervous, he’ll never really know nor understand.
      Especially not when Johnny picked him up and twirled him around in a hug shouting about how his little brother is going to be a doctor, Johnny always was one for theatrics, their mum on the other hand gave her usual warm-hearted smile, said she’d support him no matter what and wrapped him up in one of her bear-hugs. She always gave the best hugs, they simply felt like home, like no matter what you’d be safe.
      Jisung smiled, too young to really care and didn’t understand why Mark had made some big deal about it – “it’s just a degree, you could buy one online for like a hundred pounds instead”. Yes, Jisung spent too much time on the internet, Mark really didn’t want to know what the majority of his time on there was spent doing. Honestly, Mark had him pegged as some sort of edgy Tumblr teen running an insanely successful blog for a book-turned-tv-or-movie series so the majority of his time was probably devoted to reading (that Mark knew) and watching and then reviewing the episodes. It was somewhat worrying the amount Mark had thought about this, was he a multi-fandom blogger or did he just stick to one? What was he watching? Shadowhunter’s? Harry Potter? Sherlock? So, many, questions. But hey, it wasn’t Marks business to know. If he’d just asked Jisung he’d be aware of the youngers multiple blogs, one dedicated to his love of kpop and idols with dimples, the other dedicated to reviewing and just general chatting and fan theories about his favourite book series turned movie/TV shows, Mark wasn’t as far off as he’d like to believe.
      With everything that was happening with Hyuck, or rather lack thereof, Mark was desperate to feel at least somewhat in control of his life. Desperate to feel like he was doing something that mattered, like he was working toward something. One thing Mark could always rely on is that all of his friends and family, among other things, would describe him as a workaholic. As much as Mark loved to attempt to dispute this, he couldn’t. It was the truth and being the emotionally constipated teenager that he is – what better way to deal with your emotions that not doing so and instead throwing yourself into schoolwork? Mark was a broken human in many ways, in many ways he was just normal. Just like any other teenager feeling like they didn’t have their lives under control, feeling like they had to make life altering and affirming decisions at the age of sixteen or seventeen. It wasn’t fair. It didn’t feel fair at least. It didn’t feel fair that he couldn’t have some cute teenage love story like in the movies, didn’t feel fair that he had to submit his university applications by mid-October when everyone else got to wait until December, didn’t feel fair that everyone else had their soulmates or were finding them left and right but he was stuck.
      It was stupid and selfish but he wanted to feel upset. He wanted to feel like he’d lost something rather than just admitting the plain truth that Donghyuck just didn’t like him back. Not every love story was straight (oh the irony) out of Wattpad and not everyone got their happy ending, at least not yet. So, a very stressed Mark was free to wander mindlessly around his home, mind too occupied with some parallel universe where there’s no such thing as soulmates and everyone possess the ability to fall in love with whomever they wish. Not that that would change much in Mark’s case, but let the guy dream okay? Okay.
      Johnny was a good brother. But Johnny was still his brother at the end of the day.
      A brother who comes home for the weekend unexpectedly and so his seventeen year old brother believes he’s able to be singing his heart out to wildest dreams by Taylor swift, I break from crying over Mcdreamy’s death, with a pot of Ben and Jerrys fish food (yeah he was in full blown sad mode) in hand and the most over-sized hoodie he could get his hands on, actually wearing his glasses for once and well… Mark was a mess, in peace, but Johnny took the initiative of filming Marks current endeavours before making his presence known by snorting obnoxiously and crumpling into a ball (well as close as Johnny could get to folding his over six foot body into something remotely small) on the floor of their kitchen unable to breathe normally for at least ten minutes and unable to look Mark in the eye for the next two hours while keeping a straight face, as every time it resulted in him wheezing again and managing to get out a “Y-you, you listen,” another wheeze, “to Taylor, the Taylor Swift,” another, stupid, wheeze, “like queen of break up songs when you’re sad? Oh, Mark, where did I go wrong with raising you.” Yeah, not the most pleasant of experiences for Mark, his bright red ears clearly displaying his emotions.
       He should be allowed to drown his sorrow in peace, listening to Taylor Swift (and Adele but Johnny didn’t hear his rendition of ‘hello’ so #MarkFirstWin) eating his ice cream and dancing around the kitchen. We’ve all been there and anyone who says they haven’t done some sort of version of this is a down right liar, or just really, really, lucky and hasn’t experienced any form of heartbreak ever.
      Nevertheless, this is the same Johnny who then slaps you so hard on the back that it winds you, and then tells you with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, “Hey! You know what would be perfect to distract you?” No Johnny, he was taking the Taylor Swift route. Mark just shook his head, his ears tinting red at the memory of Johnny catching him again (yes it was three hours again) and how he would definitely be relaying the message to others. “Well, your uni applications are in, nothing you can do right now to change that. So, I wasn’t going to invite you because I knew you’d say no but now I’m leaving you no choice. As it’s Winwin and Yuta’s birthdays, they’re having a party tonight and you are coming with me.”
       “But-“
      “Yeah, no buts. You’re coming. Yes, everyone will be there – it’s a family affair. Even Jisung is coming for a bit but I’ve already bought him chocolate milk and put it in the fridge at Yuta’s place.”
      “And you’re really going to let me drown my sorrows in alcohol after my birthday party?”
      “Sure, after all, what’s the worst that could happen?”
      Like Mark said, Johnny let you do the dumb shit. He’d help you pick up the pieces later.
   Hyuck. Alcohol. Jungwoo. Alcohol. Yuta. Alcohol. Winwin. Alcohol. Jaehyun. Alcohol. Soulmates. Black-out drunk.
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omnigon · 7 years ago
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I mean... not really... the problem here is that I’m terrified of people on this fucking website. I really haven’t HAD my conception of gender challenged because I USED to believe in it, but then I realised it actually doesn’t make sense. I also believe that everything in the human body has a physical cause. I also dislike believing in things that don’t add up just because people insist that they do. Unless some day it’s discovered that it actually, genuinely is a thing instead of some esoteric self-conception like otherkin I can’t bring myself to give in to it. It’s not about nonbinary people and their lives, it’s about how this website punishes people who disagree with the zeitgeist. How there are people who, when I SAY to them that I don’t believe it, will end being absolutely horrible to me. And I will never have any way of knowing until it’s too late.
So, unfortunately you’re wrong. You don’t know my history. I used to ID as nonbinary years ago, until I realised I’m very much just a man in the wrong body. It was after this point that I really really wondered whether or not any of my previous ID was based in fact, or in tumblr pushing an anti-male agenda that made me subconsiously avoid my actual gender for fear of criticism (”If I’m a man then all those anti-man posts end up being about me, and I’m too weak-hearted for that.”) and I feel like this is something that never gets talked about, The massive inconsistensies in nonbinary labels also makes me question the legitimacy of any of it. It’s very easy to choose to identify as something. It really is. I honestly refuse to believe that anyone is born nonbinary the way people are born trans, UNLESS, (and this is the only thing that would ever make me believe) it turns out that atypical gender dysphoria is a thing like ordinary gender dysphoria. But from what I’ve read (and I’m not an ~expert~ or anything) that doesn’t seem to be the case. So... in my opinion... it’s a choice. In my opinion MOST people who ID as nonbinary are just ordinary trans people who haven’t realised it yet. If atypical gender dysphoria is a thing, I doubt as many people would suffer from it like normal dysphoria, unless it turns out to be more common. I don’t know. This is entirely speculation, because we actually don’t know enough to make the call. But on here, obviously, EVERYONE knows it’s totally real and if you disagree then you are, without a doubt, a filthy transphobe who should die. It really reminds me of religion in this case, something I vehemently oppose.
Also my mental health really doesn’t matter right now. I would feel this shitty even if I were overeating. It took me like 5 hours of sleep to realise why any of this is even happening, and that I’ve done this exact fucking thing before. Every time I get even a LITTLE close to someone on here, and I mean even a little, a thing goes off in my brain that makes me think of why they would hate me. With the last person I was ‘friends’ with on here it’s because I renounced feminism (for egalitarianism), and that person is super into social justice, and that was during a period of my life when social justice things on here felt like an obligation instead of anything I was genuine about. But I knew that if I were against feminism they’d hate me and think I was a piece of shit! So I had to cut them off. Then this, someone who was kinda close mutuals with me, I couldn’t get over the fact that we disagree on this thing, and me being terrified me, I had to cut him off too.
This is going to happen to the next person who tries to get even remotely close to me. I’ll accept it for a while, then my brain will do a little flip in my head and tell me to hate myself for having one or two differences, because that person would surely already hate me if they knew. Same shit different day. The only winning move is not to play, clearly. The problem is, I never remember that I do this. Then, when I’m trying to interact with someone, suddenly I feel shame and guilt instead of fun, and the only way to stop it is to push the person away, ‘cause I know that’s what they would want if they knew about it. Rinse and repeat, forgetting every time, because my brain’s ability to remember shit chronologically is so unbelievably shot, until today I actually FORGOT that I used to HAVE a close-ish friend on here. It doesn’t help that I have a very fucked up past where I was in a bizarre, outlandish situation as a child and I did bad things because I was in such a bad environment. I don’t believe in free will anymore (I’m a determinist and I believe that everything has already happened in the sense that the conditions for it are set up right now, and time is mostly a perceptual illusion, and that all human thoughts and ideas come from the subconsious processes of the human brain, the innerworkings of which we may never fully quantify) but I still blame myself for what I chose to do out of anger. It’s the sort of thing that will definitely make me push someone away at some point.
I’m just going to give up. I can’t actually like people because I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m a constant disappointment to myself. I’m a failure. I genuinely shouldn’t even be USING this site because the ‘social’ aspect of social media really flies over my head, to the point where my primary usage of this site is actually to archive posts I like, not share them. I’ve known this for a while, but the dumb monkey part of my brain is still ooh-ooh-ah-ahing for other people’s attention, even though not only is it fake and hollow, I really, really don’t deserve even that, clearly. I can’t make friends. Either I’m too stupid for someone, or when I DO get a little close, I sabotage it by pushing them away before they can even get to know me. I don’t even know why I do it, except I’m terrified of being hated. That’s the bottom line, that’s the REAL reason I’m twisted up about all this. I feel like I have many hateworthy aspects and this website seems to punish those who refuse to conform. There’s clearly no point in me trying to find friendship. I need to realise that at this point it’s just not going to happen. I have a desire but no drive, I never, ever talk to new people (Or even people I’ve talked to before) because they terrify me (I mean, what if they’re a genius or a great artist or an asshole or something) so I just sit here and pretend that people I’ve never talked to actually give a shit about me. It’s pathetic. I need to just stop, and realise that NO ONE actually gives a shit about me, there’s no reason to, and since I’m going to ruin it ANYWAY I may as well spare myself the ache and not even bother trying.
I have no idea if this is how other people experience this shit website, I really don’t. I just know that I feel like I’ve been stuck on this site for so long I don’t have any alternatives (and IRL is out of the question). I also have no idea what I’m “supposed” to be doing here or whether I’m using the fucking website correctly. I just... I don’t know. I’m going to give up. Reblog cat videos. Speak my mind even though I know some day an anon will tell me to KMS and I’ll have to actually consider it because everyone else is worth so much more than me, if one of them wants me dead, there HAS to be a good, well-thought-out reason for it. Because everyone is smarter than I am (and I mean fucking everyone I am dumb as dirt). I want to not give a shit and just do me, but whenever I see a post I disagree with, I imagine myself reblogging with my dissenting opinion, and then being made fun of by OP, losing my followers and ending up getting harassed by people who know literally nothing else about me. It’s not like this is outlandish, anyway, we all know how tumblr is. I just feel like once I’m Hated I no longer get to be a person, so even my suffering doesn’t matter. I mean something like this has happened before, but thankfully it was small. I told someone that what they said about people with my specific internal experiences on this one specific thing was actually really untrue, because I experience the thing they said was impossible and just a fad. They told me that not only was the sad, crying message I sent them the funniest thing they’d seen all week, but that I was actually misinterpreting my internal experiences. Now? I never, ever, ever talk about my system and when I DO it’s super short and covert. Because I’m afraid of being called fake. So I guess I’m a hypochrite in this regard. Just proves how shitty I am. Doesn’t change the fact that this website is fucking awful about disagreements. I mean, after that exchange I got an ask about something I said in the PM, which meant that I got screenshotted and made fun of. I guess I kind of deserved it for being openly upset while disagreeing with someone. Obviously on the Internet the whole “U mad?” thing has been going on for years. So as a highly emotional fucking person I don’t GET to be a part of disagreements, because the way I do it is wrong.
Because of all this shit, the shit I went through on this site and IRL, I have learned that I don’t matter, my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, and my wellbeing doesn’t matter. Thankfully, I’m a nihilist who believes that nothing has any inherent meaning or value, everything just Is, so me being human actually means nothing more than the sum of my parts+ my consciousness, making me worth about as much as any average mammal on planet Earth. I don’t think any one really matters though. I mean sure to each other we do, but that’s only because as a social species we have a natural altrustic drive. This is why we THINK we matter when in reality we are animate dust, held together by tape and glue, kept conscious by an organ that has literally gotten us here through sheer trial-and-error. I always hate saying this stuff because I know it makes me sound cold, but I’ve seen the darkest parts of people. I’ve seen humans treated like literal garbage. If humans had inherent value this would be impossible. Just like if God were real this would be impossible. It’s stupid how caught up I am in how other people feel about me when I know objectively, when I’m in the ground, none of it will matter. That, cosmically, none of anything matters. Actually, when I was a young teenager I was so, so distraught by my cosmic insignificance. I can’t help but be a nihlist. I mean, now I’ve come to terms with it and rejected the ideas of God or an afterlife specifically because they place undue importance on humans.
So I’m going to keep sitting here feeling like shit because at this point I have no fucking clue what I could do to feel better that doesn’t require effort I can’t expend right now. I’m not going to fucking eat because I really feel like I don’t fucking need it OR deserve it. Besides, I don’t do this very often, and I was a huge asshole by cutting him off like that. I have no idea how he feels about it but I know that this is the end. And I hate it. It hurts. It hurts but I can never, ever make myself not do it, because the alternative is stewing in anxiety and feeling increasingly nervous about lying by omission by not telling people how I really feel about things. I’m going to be fine, I already covered my forearms in bruises (and stupid dainty crushable little wrists to a lesser degree) so it’s not like witholding food is going to make things even worse somehow. In fact, sometimes when I’m hungry I can’t cry at all, so really I think it’s a good thing to punish myself.
Besides, I’m a really, really shitty person and I don’t deserve to live.
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thefloatingstone · 8 years ago
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[1] It's easy to feel inadequate in the face of other works. I'm a writer and I feel hesitant to read the works of others a lot, because I feel like it'd just remind me how unskilled I am as a writer. But in the end, I don't think that should strip me of the enjoyment of other people's works. How else am I gonna consume media and have fun with it? How else will I learn a few things, myself? The feeling of inadequacy is intense, but being more aware of others' work has helped me improve, I think.
I have to agree with you there. Honestly, if it wasn’t for other people’s work I probably would not be as comfortable drawing and writing the UT gang as I am at the moment. And I often refer to what others have done to help me with things I’m trying to work out or figure out. And I’d be lying if I said the way some people write the characters haven’t affected my own interpretations of them. I really do value the creativity of others a lot, even if sometimes I worry I might accidentally take too much from their writing and apply it to my own by accident.
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Yeah. I know it’s a very bad habit to look to others for validation, and not the healthiest mindset :( but even in the pre-internet days when I just drew “for myself” it was with the belief that, somewhere in the back of my head, I believed someone would one day see my art (at the time) and realise “how good I am”. Maybe it’s a result of being told (falsely) at school the whole time by teachers and others kids “wow you’re so good! I bet you make cartoons one day and win an oscar!”. Maybe it’s because I’m shy and I try my best to make friends online through art. But the advice of “just draw for yourself” is one I’ve really struggled with and have never really managed to achieve. (apart from only drawing what I like and what interests me. I don’t draw things for popularity. Or my tumblr would be nothing but AUs and ships XD)
And yeah. You can’t really tell people what to like/reblog. This is true. Sadly, or maybe not sadly, I never get frustrated at people. I never think “People are so dumb! They should all be paying me attention!” but instead I tend to think “what am I doing or not doing that’s not getting me as much attention as these other people? What is it about me that’s wrong?” Honestly, I don’t know which mindset is worse :/
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Thank you very much for your support
That being said, although I admit I get antsy and depressed when I feel I “didn’t get enough notes” on something, for the most part I’m actually relatively happy with the notes I get right now. Yes, I do place value on it, but at the same time I think I’m content enough not to crave “more” in terms of the little number on my posts.
I would say that I get really sad I don’t have as much interaction or feedback from readers, but that’s been getting better and people are actually engaging in my work more as time goes on. So I guess I could ask “so what the heck is my problem?!” at myself. And I don’t really know the answer ^^;
More it’s just… the fact that other really really good comics exist in the first place? But at the same time it would honestly feel AWFUL if they didn’t. I’ve been in tiny fandoms before, and they’re not much fun. Especially if you end up being one of the very very few “big name” artists in them. it’s not much fun at all. So again, I’m not entirely sure what my problem is.
I think it’s as I said to Mercy-run; It might be free-floating anxiety which has just decided to latch itself onto the thing I’m hyper-fixated on right now to direct negative feelings onto. Because I like UT so much it DOES spike my pulse physically when I see stuff for it XD which use to be a GOOD thing you know? Now it seems like a lightning rod for feeling shitty.
I don’t even fully know if these feelings are caused by it and if I should try and work out why, or if it’s just channeling through it and I need to redirect my attention and remind myself that these feelings aren’t really true and it’s just anxiety trying a new tactic to distress me.
This is why it’s so confusing and annoying for me >.
Thank you very much for the compliments too ;w; really. I’m trying my best to internalize complements more. In the animation industry “doing well” and being complimented almost always meant “you have done the minimum to reach the director’s sky-high expectations and can now go on immediately to try again to win my approval.” That I’ve developed an extremely bad mindset than when people praise me or give me compliments it means I’ve “done the bare minimum to be passable”.
But I’m trying to retrain myself that I’m not giving myself enough credit thinking like that. and it’s very hard ^^;
Anyway, thank you very much for the kind messages and for sending some support my way. Truly. I really mean it. Honestly, messages and support are a giant lifeline for me, and help me more than I could ever really vocalise. In all honesty I wish I could better express how much they boost me and how much they’ve helped me thus far.
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Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
"Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
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Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
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Particularly NYC?
Would my insurance rate go up on a car with more features?
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Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Want to sell my insurance idea?
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What does one must have to register a small company in California specializing in recruitment/staffing employment? What type of Insurance (General Liability, Work Compensation) Approximate Cost. Tax id What is the approximate annual cost?""
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A lot of car insurance companies ask whether any modifications have been made to the car and I was just wondering on whether this included stereos.
I got a ticket for expired insurance in california?
but i did have insurance i just didnt have the card with me. the police officer said all i have to do is get the new card to the police station and have it signed off. am i going to still have to pay a fine?
Ex-friend was using my car insurance for 2 years without consent?
While looking for a new car and insurance (I am on my mothers insurance) i discovered that an ex-boyfriend has been using my last name and claiming i was his husband to get car insurance. The policy was expired last year but he had multiple car accidents. Now my name is somehow connected to his in the car insurance world and I cant get insurance at a decent price. Can I charge him with a crime? How do I get him off my records? Any suggestions?
Who can give me the best rates for car insurance rates in palm bay florida?
Who can give me the best rates for car insurance rates in palm bay florida?
Why did the president veto children's health insurance plan?
I don't understand.
Who are the best insurance companies for young drivers?
Who are the best insurance companies (in terms of low prices) for young drivers?
Why is the US government forcing health insurance on me?
My hate for the US government is growing by the day.
What is the cheapest auto insurance company for bad drivers?
What is the cheapest auto insurance company for bad drivers?
""Cheap auto Insurance in miami, fl?""
I recently moved here and need to buy insurance for my car. Ive been searching on-line and i am overwhelmed on how expensive the rates are here in fl compared to California where i use to live. I have never had quotes in the 100's. so do u know a cheap auto insurance company here in miami, fl I have a 95 ford mustang cv""
How much would it cost to get a car?
Im 17 and have applied for my practical test but once i pass how much will it cost to get a car, insurance, tax and MOT. im not looking for a great car just a small car, a polo would be nice.""
How to report uninsured car in CA?
Someone hit our car in a walmart parking lot. Our tail light was broken and the estimated cost to replace it is $420-$500. Since it is under $750, we didn't report to police or DMV. However, the driver didn't have insurance card in the car and gave us bogus information about their insurance. We only have their license plate and a walmart security person as witness. How do we track down this person or report uninsured driver/car? We are in San Diego, CA.""
How much is ur car insurence a month?
im 16 and im not getting my car till 17 or 18 and i need to know how much money insurance is a month. i just need an estimate. Thanks
Question where to get affordable dentures without insurance.?
Hello,I live in Renton,Washington and need new dentures.I have no dental insurance.I will be able to put down 300 dollars and make payments,only working PT.Any suggestions if its cheaper to go to a Denture Clinic,Dental Lab or regular dentist? Thank you...""
Why is it assumed auto/motorcycle insurance is optional?
Why do so many drivers who live where having auto insurance is law(pretty much all of the U.S.) have this arrogant belief that just because they can't afford the insurance or can't pay out of their pocket that they still have the right to drive on the road? Worst thing is why are these people hardly punished for breaking the law and why must the other driver's insurance cover uninsured drivers. This whole insurance process is the most screwed up thing and proof of human idiocy. You ever see that commcerial for SafeAuto insurance? The dumb girl goes, I been in lots of accidents, but I NEED my car. or the guy who says' I don't have money for insurance, but I need to make tough choices. Like they are telling us they are going to drive their car without insurance. This is how we allow this type of stupidity.""
Insurance question?
i just posted a question about buying a new car, im 19 years old, and someone said at my age if i finance a new car i have to get full coverage insurance, is this true? how old do i have to be not to have to do that? what if i buy the car under someone elses name-say my mom or dad? i live in california in case that matters""
I was rear ended. Does my insurance go up if I contact them?
I have Mercury Insurance and someone hit me in the back at a stop light. I got all of there info, but I was wondering if we went through this with our insurance companies would my rates go up? thanks :D""
Do you need motorcycle insurance in florida?
i plan on moving to florida really soon, i am from n.j. and i heard i wouldnt need insurance, is that true? are there any circumstances where i would need to get insurance?""
When can you call insurance for cheaper?
so your car is 10years old, I know that older cars get cheaper insurence. I been with same company for awhile, but when should i call them to lower my insurence since the car is old. Or is it updated automaticly?""
Can my new health insurance go back and look at my old one?
i have had a new health insurance plan since Jan. 1st ,2008. Can they go back and look at my old health insurance company records other than my actual health issues if that makes sense?""
Bankruptcy and Homeowners Insurance Lapse....?
Going through bankruptcy. My question stems from a fire we had at the house. We did not mention it to our insurance company just yet and it has been 5 months already. we were told we should report it right away, but I wasnt' sure if we had insurance. Couldn't afford the insurance. So, 2 years back, my loan company sent me paperwork to sign up for their insurance which is mandatory if one does not supply proof of insurance to them. After this time, would I still, likely, have insurance through my insurance company? and what repercussions would I face for taking so long to report it? Thx, Adreamer2""
Applying for medical insurance for my son..?
I'm on the COMPASS website and it asks if I have medical insurance through my job and if my child can get it also. If I'm trying to get CHIP for my son as it'll be cheaper then through my work. Should I just not say if I have insurance or should I continue and put yes my child can get insurance through my job?
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
Winston-Salem North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27114
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-some-good-insurance-companies-contract-broker-edward-walker/"
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Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
"Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
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What is the average cost of car insurance?
What is the average cost of car insurance?
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Is there anyway to avoid paying my 1000 dollar deductible on my Car Insurance?
I recently changed my deductible to 1000 dollars on my car insurance, and sure enough, got some dents on the front of my car sliding into a tree during bad road conditions. Is there ...show more""
Ok I don't udersrtand why for car insurance!?
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What kind of insurance do used car dealerships have and how much does it cost?
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What are the consequences of driving without car insurance in florida?
Insurance. What do I need to sell Term Insurance in California?
Insurance. What do I need to sell Term Insurance in California?
Saving on insurance...own or finance?
What is cheaper to insure a car that is being financed or a car that is owned? I haven't decided how to pay for my new car and since I am getting 0% it wouldn't cost more to finance, I do have the cash to buy it. I am just trying to see ways to lower insurance. If you know of any other ways to lower insurance I will take that advice too. Thanks""
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
St. Johns Insurance Company?
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How can I learn how much money do I have to pay for short term disability insurance?
I am going to start a business. And , I have 11 employees . I would like to get short term disability insurance plan and long term term disability insurance plan for my employees, and life insurance too . How much much money money do I have to pay for this?""
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I am looking to buy car insurance for my son who will be 16 1/2. Will it be cheaper than the average premium to have him drive a 1995 truck? also... if you have a teen driver how much did it cost to add them to the policy? thank you
Cheap car to insure mpg above 25?
Looking for a car that you may have had experience with that is cheap to insure, with decent mpg. I was looking at '95 and '97 civics because they are older and I thought might be cheaper to insure and get pretty good mileage from what Ive heard. Mainly looking 4 doors not too shabby low insurance and decent mileage. Thanks in advance for responses everyone""
What is the point of insurance?
I've just graduated and will be going out into the real world now, and a question I've had for years is why people seem to get insurance? To me it makes more sense to save the money you would have been paying myself instead. Am I wrong here?""
California Minimum Insurance Requirement?
Stated from the California DMV website: The minimum amount your insurance* must cover per accident is: * $15,000 for a single death or injury. * $30,000 for death or injury to more than one person. * $5,000 for property damage. Now when I signed up with Progressive Insurance and I don't elect uninsured motorist coverage it makes me sign a statement that I elected not to do so and is below the state minimum. Do I actually need uninsured motorist coverage?""
""What is a good but cheap body shop around the riverside, CA area which will work on an nissan altima?
i wont use insurance on it so it must be very affordable. theres alot oof scratches
Which insurance company is the cheapest for a new UK rider?
Which insurance company is the cheapest for a new UK rider?
Is there some sort of reason that Car Insurance costs so much more in Nevada than it does in California?
Im looking into moving, and I cannot help but notice that the quotes I am getting are, well, DOUBLE what I pay in California. Granted, I am a 23 year old male and have a decent driving record, it is kind of shocking to see liability only coverage quoted at $250/month for my two 8 and 12 year old cars, when Im paying $125/mo. as of now in California for the same 100/300 coverage. Can someone explain this? I have some friends that have moved to Las vegas, with the same shocking increase in premiums... (And yes, I need the 100/300 since I own a home)""
Cheapest place to insure a peugeot 106 1.1 or a peugeot 106 quiksilver?
Im getting pissed off with the prices of inurance for my car the cheapest i can get it is 3200 fully comp (third party is more money for some reason?!?) and ive tryed all these compare websites and they are utter bollocks i might aswell not have passed my bastard driving test with these prices, i may have to wait another year for my insurance to go down. Btw im 19 year old and have been passed 4 month, can anyone help me im sick of ******* looking at insurance websites, thanks""
Will affordable health act help or hurt people who want to retire early?
Say you are in your late 50's or early 60's and wants and have enough money to retire, but was waiting because of health insurance issues and was going to wait till 65. With the affordable care act most likely going to proceed, will this help those people who probably have pre-existing conditions and of course old get a better deal on health insurance if affordable care act was not passed? To my simple mind, I would have to say yes. And I imagine a lot of people are going to take advantage of this and retire early.""
Does the Year of your Car affect Insurance Prices?
Does the Make of Your Car Affect How Much you are Charged for Insurance? Does the Year of Your Car Affect How Much you are Charged for Insurance? Does Having 2Doors Always Rise How Much you are Charged for Insurance? No Baby Answers.
1999 Chevy Cavalier convertible insurance price?!?
I would like to know how much the insurance for a 1999 Chevy Cavalier convertible would be for a 17 year old driver with no tickets or accidents! Please help me out.
Car insurance renewal & no claims certificates?
My car insurance is up for renewal soon, I had 1 year no claims before the current policy (but no certificate to prove it) and havent claimed during it. When I renew I like to look for the best price which may mean not sticking with my current insurer. If I change insurer and they ask to see proof of my no claims how can I prove I have 2 years? Will my current insurer issue me with a certificate saying 2 years (1 year with them added to the 1 year beforehand) or just 1 year? The other issue is that surely this certificate will arrive AFTER I want to begin my new policy?? Any advice would be much appreciated""
How do i get affordable health insurance in new york?
I make 40k a year but i live in nyc so i cant afford a standard plan. Just need for myself 37 yr old male Thanks
What to do with car insurance if i won't be using my car for 4 years?
I'm heading off to college (by plane) and i won't be using my car and well i don't see a reason to pay car insurance on a car that's just sitting in the garage. I was wondering what i should do in this situation.i'm probably going to use it after i graduate but not anytime earlier. so would it be wise to keep the insurance, cancel it or are there some other alternatives i could possibly do?""
What is the best insurance company for a 21yr old with a bad driving record?
car insurance for nj drivers
Are there any good arguments for requiring health insurance. Ive only heard arguments against it?
Ive heard the car insurance one, not very solid. I also have heard there will be hardship exemptions and certain levels of income earned that will determine how much help will be given in purchasing insurance. Just looking for somethings to note when someone brings up this part of the bill""
""CAR INSURANCE FOR A 17-YEAR-OLD, 5000 quotes. Genuinely can't find any quotes less than 5000?""
1.3 KA 2002, immobiliser, no tracker fitted yet (intend on). Not bought the car. 17-year-old as the main driver and owner, passed a month ago (roughly). I know it's obvious, but KAs are the easiest cars to buy, the car is valued at 995 (the one in mind). I can literally find 5000 quotes. The car is worth less than one fifth of this. And yes, I know that car insurance will be expensive, but reading over forums etc, some people have managed to get it down to 2000. I've tried Diamond, elephant, comparethemarket, gocompare, literally everywhere. Admiral won't give me a quote and places like Tesco will only quote 18-year-olds. I will literally LOVE anyone who knows of any quotes around 2000-3000. Any less, I believe is impossible. And I realise that insurance companies take the Michael, but please don't state the obvious with a comment like Insurance will be expensive - 5000 is about right , surely it can't be, I've found so many forums of people saying they have quotes from 2000, but not telling me where from. ):""
Vauxhall Astra 1.7 cdti Insurance?
I'm 17 soon so i'm looking for cars to get, and I've been looking at a 1.7 cdti Vauxhall Astra (100bhp) 3 door, and i can easily afford a decent 2005-07 model but its the insurance I'm worried about, i don't want to buy a nice decent first car and not be able to insure the damn thing, and all of the quote websites I've been on are giving me stupid answers so I'm just wondering if any of yous have had one of these for your first cars and how much it cost to insure it or if you just have a good idea on how much it would cost? thanks.""
Insurance for a 1994 camaro?
I am 16 and have had my liscnse for almost 7 months now and have had no accidents. I want to buy a 1994 camaro but not sure what insurance will be. It is a v6 3.4L. About how much will insurance cost me? What about if the car is under my parents name?
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Insurance on a car? How much??
How much would it be to insure a car in UK, do I have to see a site? Eg, Ferrari, BMW, how much?""
How much do you pay for car insurance?
i pay $130 /month and i think its too much
How can I find affordable auto insurance quote online?
How can I find auto car cheap insurance quote?
Question about my car and insurance?
My car payment was due on may 1st well dident have the money to pay it so how long do I have tp pay it before they try and repo it, and also my car insurance is due sat. and said if i dident pay it it cancels at 12am sat. so how long do i have to pay it before they repo my car or if they even do that, Im almost a month late on paying my insurance? Thank You""
What is best in LIfe Insurance?
How to choose the best insurance conpany.. This website says many which one can i prefer http://www.insurance-assurances.110mb.com/
What does depreciation cost mean when it comes to home insurance?
filed a claim to replace my floors.getting a check in 5-7 business days.it says i have 180 days to replace the floors,to cover depriciation cost.what does that mean exactly?""
Are minors required to have car insurance in California?
I'm reading the drivers handbook and it doesn't mention anything about that, it only says if you are emancipated that they require it.""
A question about car insurance?
We own three cars and have insurance on all three. If my daughter moves to another city and takes one of the cars, will the insurance still cover her? Typically the rates are based on where you live. Thanks for any advice!""
Is canadian car insurance valid in the US?
if I want to rent a car in the us will I have to purchase the rental car company's insurance?
If car insurance goes with the car technically does that mean an uninsured driver can drive an insured car?
I have a license but no insurance. I drive my dad's car which is insured in his name. If he is aware that i am driving the car and i get into an accident, does that mean I am insured?""
Which insurance company should I chose? Which one is better State Farm or Liberty Mutual? ?
Which insurance company should I choose Liberty Mutual or State Farm? It's mostly concerning claim payouts and handling.
Do you know which insurance company is cheaper for a first time driver?
I live in florida and i am now just getting my car. Thank you.
How Fast Does Car Insurance Start?
Can I buy insurance today and have it ready same day or next day or is there a long process before it starts. I want to buy a car tomorrow, get insurance, and drive the car to my job by Friday.""
What is the age limitation for life insurance?
what is the age limitation for life insurance? I mean in Europe, Canada, or the place called.. , austitralia.""
Just broughta motorhome o2 fiat where cheapest and best insurance?
Just broughta motorhome o2 fiat where cheapest and best insurance?
How much will average insurance be for me.?
I am 17, just passed my driving test and I am considering buying a 1997 AUDI A3 1.6 Sport.""
What is a cheap good health insurance company in CA?
hi im 15 years old and i need health insurance for sports and i also need doctor check ups and dental maybe even eye check ups, my parents and i cannot find a company that is cheap and just for me. what is a cheap but good company to go with for health insurance in california?""
""Does anybody know of the cheapest car insurance company in Hamilton, Ontario?""
Getting car insurance these days is getting ridiculous...I've gotten quotes for $500, etc. but there has to be something cheaper out there. I'm getting an old car, so just basic insurance would be fine, so I can legally drive. Does anybody know of the cheapest car insurance company in Hamilton, Ontario?""
Is it bad not to have health insurance?
Is it bad not to have health insurance?
Nissan GTR Lease & Insurance Cost?
Approximately, how much is Nissan GTR lease and insurance cost? Thanks.""
Cost to insure 2000 bmw 318?
Im 18 and currently live in Iowa. Im looking into buying a used BMW but dont want to pay an insane amount for insurance. I was just wondering what I would pay for a 2000 BMW 318. Sedan v6. Estimated price? Compared to my 2001 4cyl Honda accord sedan? Thanks
Car insurance groups 17/18 year old?
well im from London, 17 years old and will be 18 in about 1-2 months and i should have my full license by end of summer. I've been looking to buy a VW Golf 1.4 S mk4 as first car which is group insurance 4. I just checked on GoCompare for quotes but its giving me 6.5k per year for third party! WTF? and i tried on under my dad's policy quotes (frontin) and it only droped by about 250 quid... so about 6.25k. Why is it so high? do these prices sound right for group insurance 4?? i mean i know im young and i might give boy racer image to them but wow... if it doesn't sound right what am i doing wrong? what things does drop the quote? i put stuff like locked in garage an anything i could think of.""
Will my insurance cover the wreck & my car?
My boyfriend was driving my car and he's not under my insurance plan only me and my mom are and someone thought we were riding their *** so they slammed on the breaks and we slid right into their car and he rolled down his window and laughed and cussed us out then drove away. and my car is totaled. will i have to pay all repairs? or will the insurance cover it even though someone else was driving my car? (i know if the insurance pays i will have to still pay a deductible)
Will my insurance go up?
will my insurance go up if i got a ticket for carless operation? the officer said there wont be any points on my licence but if will my insurance go up? and will i get points on my insurance?
Explain why auto insurance costs are so high for young drivers?
please EXPLAIN in the longest way possible
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
Brockway Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 15824
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