#I’ve been at it off and on since the pandemy and STILL

[strewbi]

stoooop asterius said I (Zagreus) was his “good friend” and he has zagreus’s banner in his training hall. We’re besties!!!

[hiphop-rap-and-basketball]

rookie year | chapter 1

• a lamelo ball fanfic by hiphop-rap-and-basketball •

Pairing: LaMelo Ball x fem!reader

Word Count: 3,066

A/N: The Pandemy...

This story takes place in 2019-2021 and so on. Please note that the COVID-19 pandemic will not exist in this fic. I thought about it over and over and it felt more obvious to pretend Covid doesn't exist. People read fanfics to escape reality. Why would I want to include the pandemic when people just want to read and be happy. With that being said, please enjoy this story. I am in love with the idea. I am in love with the idea of writing about love and the beauty and ups and downs that it brings. I am in love with the way our brains can picture alternate realities and imagine them as real . Once again, I hope you enjoy. :):)

My Knowledge of Basketball...

... is not the greatest when it comes to history and players lmao. I try to keep things as accurate as possible and do my research but yes this is a fanfiction and yes I'm going to make up some stuff so just roll with it lmao.

Trigger warnings and things of that nature...

This is of course very much about people of age and NOT minors. Please note all characters involved in sexual activities are 18+. Also, when it comes to cheating and such.. I do not condone cheating personally nor have I ever done it.This is a just a story and not to spoil it but boundaries may be crossed. Readers discretion is advised.. or whatever they say 💀💀 okay kisses enjoy 😘😏

Other stuff about dates...

Like I said they might be off from real time stuff that actually happened but let's roll with it. Starting off in the fic Melo will have just turned 19 and reader is 19 going on 20 shortly after a couple of chapters. Hopefully that gives you a good picture 😊

ENJOY, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Feedback is appreciated as it motivates me to keep posting 😊😊😊 thank you x 100 okay chapter one starts NOW

September 1st 2019

You admired your calendar for a moment. So many days crossed off that lead you up to this moment right here. This was it and today was the day you were so excited for. The day you have been looking forward to for months. The papers were signed, the check was cleared. You could not wait to step foot into your new apartment. You neatly folded your calendar and tucked it away in your backpack. One of the last couple of items you had to pack.

“That’s it,” your boyfriend smiled, patting and dusting his hands on his legs. “That’s the last box. You ready for the drive?” You nodded and smiled. You could not believe that last night’s sleep was the night that you slept in your childhood home. Yeah, of course you would miss it, but growth is exciting. Today was one of the many days you would see how all of the hard work was definitely paying off. You both made your way down the steps and you admired your home for a moment.

So many memories of your younger self running through the halls. The times you ran down the steps on Christmas mornings when you were little and could not wait to open gifts. You found the wall where your mom tracked how much you grew. You traced the lines over the faded marking and smiled at them, remembering your mom telling you that she had to tell you to “hold still unless you want me to draw on your forehead.” You would giggle and watch as your mother beamed upon the wall and realized how much you had grown.

This home had your heart but it was definitely time for a fresh start. You made your way out of the front door to find your dad doing one final walk through and closing the back of the moving truck.

“You sure you got it from here?” Your father asked the two of you.

“Yeah, they have an elevator and moving cart in the building,” you respond.

“Ohhh wow, fancy fancy,” your dad throws his hands up after wiping a sweaty brow. “Be careful on the drive there.”

“We will sir,” your boyfriend replies with a smile.

You give each other one final hug and of course your parents are a bit emotional. You promised they could come visit as soon as everything was set up and how you wanted it to look. You have spent months searching for the right place. Then you spent months buying a few things at a time for your new apartment. It was a slow process that you wanted to feel right.

“Take lots of pictures, love,” your mom winked. Knowing that of course you definitely would. Your love for photography runs deep because of her. She bought you your first camera at the age of 12. Even when your parents were struggling financially, they wanted you to discover your passions early on. Seven years later at 19 years old, here you are.

You are proud of how far your photography business has gotten you. Living in the small town of Concord, North Carolina finally moving to the city of Charlotte. You could not wait to get your studio open and see your business blow up in the city. But nonetheless, one step at a time babygirl. You just got your first apartment and you were so happy about it. The photography studio would come eventually. Right now you were just taking it all in. You built your success on hard work. With this being a full year since you graduated high school, you were able to work a job while building your photography brand. You were now taking the leap to go full time and all in on your photography work.

Your new apartment is a 800 square foot studio apartment. But it was so much more than just an apartment. It was your first home. You chose it because it had the beautiful city view that you always wanted. You were so excited to get started on decorating it. You looked out of the window as your boyfriend sat in the driver’s seat, steering the moving truck through the interstate on the 30 minute drive there.

You remembered looking at all the different apartments until you found this one. You knew it was the right one, you just felt it in your bones. The area was perfect. The apartment had a cozy feel to it. The building was beautiful. As you got closer and closer, you felt yourself regain your energy. Knowing you needed it now that you had to move all the boxes back up into the new apartment now.

“You excited?” your boyfriend asked and you grinned.

“Very,” you reply. “It’s bittersweet but so exciting.”

“I know, at least you get to finally get a cat now,” he replies and you smile. He knows how much you have always wanted a cat and your mom did not want one in the house.

“Yes, we’ll get there,” you smile, happy that he remembered your desire for a furry companion.

“We can finally have loud sex too,” he smirks and you giggled.

“Oh hush, look, we’re here!”

You pulled up to the front of the apartment building. Camera slug around your shoulder, you immediately hopped out of the truck and began shooting. The front was beautiful. Flowers of all kind everywhere and a beautiful fountain in the center. The building was pretty far apart from the other buildings next to it, so you knew nothing would feel crowded and you were free. You stared in awe before snapping a couple more pictures.

“Uhhh, a little help here,” your boyfriend reminds you while opening up the big sliding back door of the moving truck.

“Oh, whoops,” you say slinging your camera back over your shoulder before grabbed a box from his hand. “Wait,” you pause.

“What?” He asks.

“Can I have a lighter one than this,” you smile through gritted teeth. He rolls his eyes.

“Girl we’re taking the elevator,” he laughs. “You’re strong and I believe in you.”

You smile, “Fineee.”

You make it to the elevator with the box in your hand, trying to hide the fact that you were completely out of breath already. Your boyfriend hit the elevator button and you felt the cart swiftly move you up to the 10th out of the 12 floors. Excitement arose in your stomach.

You and your boyfriend walked to the front door of your new apartment, you dropped the box not caring what was in it, fumbling to unlock the door.

You took a deep breath before opening the door to reveal the view you had replayed in your mind over and over. It still gave you the same feeling in your stomach as when you toured it the for the first time.

The brand new appliances. The all white cabinets. The brand new flooring. This was everything you dreamed up. The moment you have been manifesting for the longest time. This was all yours. Not anyone else’s. Not even your boyfriend who technically would not be able to be on the lease anyway since he had not had a steady income yet. You worked harder than most people your age and you were proud of it. As much as you wanted the place to be both yours and his, you knew the timing of you being ready yourself was more important that waiting on him to get it together. You knew he would be able to visit and stay the night whenever you wanted him to so that did not bother you. “I think I might cry,” you smile, feeling a familiar stinging feeling in your eyes.

Your boyfriend rolls his eyes at you.

“Oh come on,” he stated. “This is a happy moment, don’t cry.”

“They are tears of joy, Tristan,” you exclaim. “I’m so proud of me. I really am that bitch.”

He chuckles at you before pulling you into a hug.

“You absolutely should be proud of yourself. You deserve it.”

You soak it all up, running around the apartment and dancing. He watches you with a smirk on your face.

Out of breath, you put your hands on your knees. ““Come on, let’s get the rest of the stuff.”

•••

After what felt like forever but was probably about an hour and a half, you got most of the things up. Oddly enough it took longer to put the stuff into the truck than taking it out of the truck. You still had some furniture coming soon so luckily there would be movers to take care of that part.

You finished up bringing the last couple of boxes with the dolly. Your boyfriend decided he would take the truck to return it to the rental place just in time before your rental time was up. You took these moments on your own to soak it up some more. You relaxed on the balcony for a bit with your water in hand, rehydrating after lots of movement. After sifting through some kitchen boxes and throwing the dishes in the washer to get them clean before storing them away, you decided to pick up your camera and go out around the building in search for more photo ops.

You looked all around the front garden and found some more beautiful flowers. You snapped a couple of pictures. You admired the photos for a moment until you felt yourself let out a small gasp when you heard the front door of the building open, breaking the silence of the world around you and removing you from your deep thoughts.

You looked up and made eye contact with him. You forced out a small smile after he gave you one. He was tall… really tall. He was looking down on his phone now. Your eyes were drawn to his very casual outfit. He wore grey sweats and an oversized hoodie, with Nike slides and bright yellow high socks.

As he approached you, you could not tell if he was going to initiate a conversation or not. You shifted your feet and kept your camera tucked in your hand before slowly following him with your eyes.

“What’s up,” he greeted you with a small smile, slipping his phone into his pocket.

“Hello,” you replied softly.

“You taking pictures?” He asked, his voice was deep and smooth when he spoke.

“Yes I am,” you smile proudly, body now fully facing him.

“That’s cool,” he replies with a grin while nodding his head.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I actually just moved in today.” You mentally slap yourself for sharing personal information with a stranger.

“I just recently moved here too,” he smiled as he ruffled up his curls on the front of his head with his fingers. “It’s been a couple of weeks now.”

“Oh, nice,” you smile. “Do you like it here?” Is all you can think of asking.

“‘Is alright, nothing crazy,” he smirks and shrugs at his own sarcastic response.

It obviously was the complete opposite. I mean unless he grew up in a million dollar mansion that was better than this. Nonetheless, you knew it was more than just nothing to you. You decided not to take it personally.

“Well my name is Y/N, what’s yours?” You ask with an innocent smile.

He cocks a brow for a second before he answers.

“Melo, nice to meet you. I guess I’ll see you ‘round Y/N,” he says while tipping you off with a grin, walking away before you could say another word.

You watched as he continued to walk off in the opposite direction, still in shock at his height. You looked down at your camera and admired the last couple of pictures you took before you heard slamming footsteps approaching.

“Hey,” your boyfriend huffs moment’s later walking up behind you. “Who was that? I heard talking.”

“New neighbor, I guess.” You shrug. “How’d dropping off the truck go?”

“Pretty simple, guess it helped leaving your car there to give you time to set up but I see you got distracted again,” he replies.

“Well… you know…. My excuse is that um. I have no excuse. Let’s get into it though,” you laugh.

The two of you made your way back up to the apartment and spent a couple of hours rushing to unbox and hang up as much as you could. He happily helped, until he felt a stomach growl.

“Okay I’m starving,” he admits.

“Me too, let’s eat something.” You sigh, plopping down whatever item that was in your hand on the counter top.

“Can we order in? I’m beat,” he sighs.

“Of course honey,” you reply. “What do you have a taste for?”

“Anything really,” you say.

“Well, that’s not very specific,” he replies.

“It’s hard to decide, but let’s order in. I’m too sweaty and messy to go to a sit down restaurant right now,” you say. “I can’t wait to shower.”

You both settle on ordering in your favorite pizza from a restaurant in downtown Charlotte. While waiting for the food; you called it a night on setting things up. There was always tomorrow and the most important thing was to rest up. After a long, hot shower you lather your body with lotion slowly with care. Before you knew it, the smell of pizza filled your apartment after it had arrived.

“Thank God,” you say in relief, starving to say the least.

Tristan served up a plate for you as you slumped down on one of your chairs. You both ate in silence as your appetite was huge and your mouths were full.

“Have you thought about your next steps lately?” You ask him as you set your plate down after finishing one slice.

He shrugs as he still had a mouth full of pizza. I definitely have options I mean. Although Amazon pays great right now; I’ve been thinking maybe trade school? Maybe welding… still deciding.”

Your eyes lit up in response. “That would be awesome babe. That sounds great.”

“Yeah, I think so too. We’ll see,” he shrugs.

“Well you know I’m here to support you in whatever you decide to do,” you encouraged.

“Thank you darling. What’s your schedule looking like the rest of the week?” He asks.

“Took the week off to get settled in but you know how that goes I’ll probably find something to shoot… what about you?”

“Workk work and work,” he replies with a chuckle.

“Get that money up,” you shouted.

The two of you sit in silence for a moment.

You were happy to eat, you admired your boyfriend for doing his best to move mostly everything in himself. Yes you helped but let’s be honest, he did most of it.

I think I want to sit on the balcony for a bit,” you say, breaking the silence.

“I’m going to shower, blow up the air mattress and lay down for a little,” he says.

“Okay,” you hum. “Your box of shower stuff is in the bathroom.”

You put your plate in the sink and grabbed your robe from your room. You shuffled through a box and grabbed your journal and a pen. You tiptoed your way to the balcony and slid the door open. Settling into your chair and looked up at the view once more before you began to write.

Today was amazing to say the least. Tristan helped me so much with moving. I’m so proud of myself. I know so much growth is on the way for me. I am absolutely claiming all of this positive energy around the apartment building as well. I even met someone else who lives in the building. I still remember his-

Your phone rang and shook you out of your thoughts as you lifted your pen off of the paper.

Mom

You slid the ‘Answer’ bar.

“Hi mom,” you sing.

“Hey honey, how’d it go?”

You reassured her the moving process was smooth and everything went well. You promised she could visit soon. Bummed out because she wanted to help you set up, you promised you could handle it.

“Well, I love you honey, hope things continue to go well,” she says softly.

“Oh mom thank you, please don’t cry,” you give a light laugh.

“I’m just so proud of you. Is Tristan still with you?” She asked.

“Yeah but he’s in the shower right now,” you reply. “Why?”

“Ohh okay. Just wondering. Hope he’s keeping you safe. Never open the door for anyone.” She states.

“Oh thank you mom. I’ll be careful.”

“And always lock the door at night,” she lists. “But remember, he doesn’t technically live there. Unless he starts paying rent, don’t let him get too comfortable.”

You sigh before you spoke. “You’re right mom… I know. Thank you.”

“Of course hon. Get some rest I’ll talk to you soon. Good night.”

“‘Night,” you reply. The line disconnected and you place your phone back down on the side table.

You took a moment to look around again, admiring the view. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon. The city lights grew brighter. You look up at the sky and see the stars. The sky was free from clouds. You looked back down at your journal and contemplated continuing to write. Your mom was right. It was a long day and it was time to rest.

What mattered most was that Tristan helped you with moving and that really made things go smoothly today. But she was also right about him not being on the lease. Unsure of how things would unravel, you obviously enjoyed his company but knew that him staying over night everyday would not really be ideal. It would bother you if he tried doing that without paying a single bill. Nonetheless, it was time to take it day by day from here on out and pray for the best.

Making your way back inside, you shut the screen door behind you and closed the blinds. You turned some music up and got to work on some photo editing in your bedroom until you got sleepy. it would be a little while until the apartment was perfect and looking just how you wanted it to be. Nonetheless, you were patient and ready for this next chapter in life.

Chapter 2

[icharchivist]

The organization around this quarantine thing is such a disaster tbh. 

About two weeks ago, two of our teachers were the ones who were especially worried. 

There was the first case of covid19 in the nearby high school, and our uni, being a linguistic one in a region nearby the Italian border, has a lot of connection with centric pandemic regions in Italy, before they even shut down themselves.

Two of our teachers were concerned bc, as we just came home from holidays, a lot of people connected to the Italian branch came back to the uni as well, and nothing was really done about it. 

One of my teacher was especially mad bc there was no soap in the bathrooms of the uni for a week at that time. She told us then that she will no longer note our presences for classes (mandatory esp for those with scholarships), and encouraged us if we were scared, knew we would be weak to the virus (asthma and such), or if we knew people who were, to not go to school anymore. Told us specifically to take pictures of the soapless bathroom so if the administration bothered us, we’d send them picture going “you’re endangering us”

I’m asthmatic. I have a lot of breathing problems in general, due to a nose malformation that makes it hard to breath and flow normally. and i have allergies. Hell my seasonal illness involves coughing, headaches, nothing flowing from the nose, and lung pains, feeling tired, all those stuff. I can’t even bring up how paranoid i am. Latest cycle of said sickness kicked in with a fever which worried my mom and I had to go see a doctor in urgence a couple of days ago. I’m fine. But i feel extremely paranoid. (and it’s not like France is getting us tested wth bloodtest or something - hospitals are overbooked with the pandemy so they only take in people with very urgent symptoms. Even if you get the virus unless you’re going very bad you’re encouraged to stay at home. There’s probably a lot of cases that we don’t know of because of that.)

But anyway school still didn’t stop back then, two weeks ago. We had two teachers who took the time to sit us down and discuss it with us. How the uni was not prepared to handle it. How they both thought the uni should have closed by now, that they’re discussing it, but they don’t want to yet. 

For two weeks all we got as info was that everything was fine. Only need to clean your hands and cough in your arms. But we also had massive announcement just 5 days ago about how it was not even thought of to close schools. To close places with high work going. That we can’t let it stop us and all.

Last Wednesday, there were still clear announcement that there will be no stopping schools or work or anything. Last Friday, we were issued with a message announcing the massive closing of every schools and we were encouraged to stay at home.

Our uni, is, of course, not prepared for it. We got a few homeworks or class by mails with clear messages from our teachers telling us they’re not prepared and we will need to improvise - us students involved. Our exams, that were to happen in April, will be pushed back to May or June. For now.

On Saturday, they encouraged us to still go vote for the Mayor Elections on Sunday. Obviously, more than half of the population didn’t show up. But we were encouraged to do it still.

On Saturday, we were told to no longer go in groups in places. Something that is obvious of course, but a couple of days ago was not even issued. People stayed up late, disregarded the announcement. In the same breath we were told to not go out anywhere with many people, but to go out to do the election on Sunday still.

Mid Sunday, i get a mail from my uni residence saying that people living in those are encouraged to leave their room, whenever definitly or temporary to return to their family during the shut down of the schools.

I didn’t want to, considering my relationships with my family, but this was getting scary. We were still /encouraged/ but not obligated yet. 

I had seen my mom on the Saturday for the doctor so we discussed the possibility, and while not obligated yet, i was a bit scared. I ended up askign my mom to come pick me up. I couldn’t move out *everything* obviously, but i took already 7 bags with me. My mom originally wanted to help me move out on Monday, but the announce scared me enough i wanted to get it done then immediatly.

Sunday evening, they announce they’re going to restrict moving around. Every shops would close. My mom works in administration soe she had to go work monday still. 

Monday my mom’s employer basically tells her to take “holidays” so she doesn’t have to pay her, all while planning to pass all the mails and phonecalls to the agency to my mom’s phone. She’s sent home on Monday.

Monday evening we got the announcement from the gov that we were in complete lockdown. No longer allowed out without a permit. Only allowed to be out for reasons like grocery shopping, going to the pharmacy or doctor, or if you have jobs that are obligated for the good functionment of the country and crisis. (although they did issue you’re allowed to take your dog out but not for long)

We have to go on the gov’s website to ask for a permit. Like Italy i’ve heard. 

We also have a curfew, no longer allowed out until a certain hour.

So now, today, Tuesday, the whole thing is in place. I’ve heard policemen in my street earlier today ask for people’s permit for being out. 

And my uni residence just sent us a mail saying they no longer even tolerate people being inside the residence for the quarantine. We are obligated to move out ASAP, to a family member or such, or leave definitly.  Today, while the gov has issued you can no longer be out without a permit you printed - while, also, we don’t have printers in our residences. 

I feel glad i followed my gut feeling on Sunday to move out bc i have no idea how i could have asked help to move out today with those measures in place.

What i’m trying to get accross is how quickly those measures were taken in the past few days while it’s been a few weeks we’ve been many to worry enough to think dispositions should have been taken earlier. We’ve been thinking about it for weeks at the uni, but suddenly in less than 5 days we went from “we’re not changing a thing” to “quarantine yourself at your parents’s”.

Not to mention our President doing lots of lectures about how we’re At War, A Health War Sure, But At War And We Have To Consider It As Such. Obviously extremely reassuring to hear while you hear about the amount of death and sickness on TV.

Not like the sickness is any better either. I have a friend who’s a nurse in a part of France that is badly affected. Cases with young people starts to degenerate very quickly, even if they had no prior reasons for it to happen. 

We discovered ibuprophen worsen the virus and it brought people who would have no prior situation into critical states to be taken care of.

/young people with no prior situations/, which i think is important to mention since so many people are brushing off the virus in a “it only affect the elderly or people with weak immune system”, as if this wasn’t reason enough to worry, as if we don’t all know multiple people like that around us, as if the 14days incubation period wasn’t terrifying, as if even if we get minor symptoms we don’t get to spread around a sickness that can be deadly for people with a weaker immune system. Well, if it’s so bad to understand the issue yet, i guess thus “young people with no prior situation get into critical situation” should be a wake up call. We don’t know that virus. It’s frightening. 

People get recontaminated too. Which means we don’t get an immunity from healing. We can catch it again. Who knows how that may even go.

My friend, the nurse, says people keep stealing their equipment. They’re shortstaffed, short in materials, they can barely handle the crisis, not helped by the fact it’s been years that the gov keeps cutting health center’s ressources down. We’re not prepared for  a pandemic that way.

Like... I read everyone talk about the panic buyer making it much more of a problem than it is. And while it’s true, it’s overshadowing that this is a Bad Situation, that we know nothing of that virus and it’s scary, and that the gov’s quarantine had been rushed into so much no one knows how to organize themselves around it. 

For now it’s planned for 15 days. god knows how long it will take.

I, asthmatic currently sick with issues breathing, am stuck back with my mom who smokes all the time at home. Both quarantined. I feel lowkey cursed tbh. For years i tried to escape my family, dealing with all the issues that goes with it, and when i finally manage to do so, i get two lawsuits up my ass bc my dad is a douche and then my residence closes up bc of a massive sickness forcing me to go back to my mom’s. 

I don’t know how to focus on my classes bc the organization is chaotic. I’m scared hearing the news. I have trouble breathing all day and while i know it’s nothing, i remain anxious. I don’t know how long i’m gonna stand my mom. Internet gets slower bc of the influx of people locked home to work. 

i don’t care much for being quarantined itself, i can spend days in my home without problems. I don’t like being stuck with my mom and i just don’t like how we’ve been pushed into it in a complete lack of preparation for it. 

I miss my home. 

And it’s just France. Italy and Spain have been in those situations for a while too. 

In a way that makes me even more angry that they didn’t take precaution before while the Italian gov had been warning us for weeks to be careful and take stuff into account before it’s too late. And we still waited, and we still rushed, and now we will blame everyone who is not understanding how thhe gov went from “it’s only a little flu don’t worry, keep going with your life just wash your hands” to “how irresponsable are you not to be in quarantine” in two days. You wonder then why people are panic buying, it’s not like the gov did any work to be crystal clear about the situation. You wonder people are being careless, a couple of days ago they were still told they had no reason to worry and to look down on those who panics.

EDIT: and lmao, i have been saying those stuff for weeks, for about two weeks i say it should have been taken into account, and my mom was pro-keeping-the-mayor-election-going (bc she wuld perhaps get a job out of it) and i told her then i thought it was a very bad idea to keep them going. My mom tried to convince me about how noooo, it was fiiine, we had to have those municipals anyway, “if people can go grocery shopping they can go vote” as our prime minister said, which i found horrifying (buying good is vital, electing a mayor can wait). And my mom kept insisting that it was important. And now, everyone says it was a bad idea to carry them on. Our own election house didn’t take any health precaution. Even my mom is saying “it was a bad idea.” Call me Cassandra bc i Keep Telling Them This Is Gonna Happen and no one ever listen to me and Too Bad. Ffs.

This is a mess of a situation. It’s making me extra anxious. 

But well that’s how it is now I guess. Sighs.

[aseriesofthrills]

Suzie Is Back

Suzie is back, and so are long, overly emotional, rambling posts.

I matched with Suzie mid-October 2020. Caileigh and I had broken up earlier that summer after 3.5 years together, and my plan was to take some time off dating to “figure myself out.” Caileigh was the first person I ever dated, so I thought being single and out at the same time - for the first time - was a necessary step in figuring out my identity as an individual. Well, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there’s this big thing called a Global Pandemic going on that’s forcing us all to choose between our physical health and a social life. Put simply, I was lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks on a deserted island before he found Wilson. Or maybe even lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks after he struck up a friendship with Wilson, because after all, Wilson was a volleyball. I wanted to find my Wilson.

And boy did I find a lot of Wilsons. Unfortunately for me, I found a lot of off-brand Wilsons that were the wrong color, didn’t hold air well, or came out of the box with fabric missing. This is not to say these Wilsons are undesirable. I’m sure any of them would provide solid companionship to the next unfortunate soul whose fallen plane renders them a castaway. They were just not for me.

There was Emily, someone who I had strong feelings for and made me realize I’d really like to date someone who’s also Jewish. I was wowed by her philanthropic agenda of making candles and donating half the proceeds, until she did a very gay thing™ and got back with her ex, which was when I began to wish I instead had simply donated that $100 directly to charity and didn’t have to stare at her Tender Flame (more like Tinder Flame, amirite) candles sprinkled around my house. Looking back, we really were not compatible. Emily taught me that just because you have good banter with someone and a shared belief system, it doesn’t mean you wont clink teeth when you make out for the first time. It might even mean she will be extremely silent while you go down on her for what feels like hours, then not reciprocate because she is… probably thinking about getting back with her ex.

Then there was MK, someone who I’d actually met once before at a Hollywood Ladies Drinks Night Before The World Shut Down We Used To Have It So Good Oh My God. I remember wondering that night if she might be queer, but my gaydar couldn’t figure her out and I was in a relationship so it was a moot point anyway. I was hesitant to send her a “like” on Hinge because what if she didn’t feel the same way and then I ran into her at a work thing in 2023 and she KNOWS I liked HER but we BOTH know SHE didn’t like me BACK and -

It took me 3 seconds to get over that existential crisis because I remembered that thousands of people were dying every day and nothing actually mattered. So I liked one of her photos, and she matched with me in literally 4 minutes. I normally like to talk to someone for at least a few weeks - pandemic or not - before meeting in person, but she almost immediately suggested getting together the following weekend. Maybe that’s just her, or maybe she felt confident that I’m most likely not a serial killer since we have mutual friends, but she went for it and I agreed because I hadn’t yet figured out how to assert my own boundaries. But also, why not. It was just a picnic.

It was not just a picnic. It was a picnic conveniently a few blocks from her apartment. It was a picnic and then it was dinner and sex. I enjoyed spending time together at first, but the more we talked and hung out the more my feelings dissipated. In the middle stretch I thought for a second that I had perhaps cracked the mythical Friends With Benefits code, but after a few more dates I realized the code was far more complicated than I’d originally anticipated and what I thought was the treasure map key was actually just meaningless hieroglyphics and OK I will stop this metaphor now. It was time to take the high road and be honest, which for me manifested in telling her I was going to quarantine the next 2 weeks before flying home so this would be the last time I saw her before 2021 and we should check in when we’re back in LA in January - and then I texted her once I got to Florida to say lets just be friends. Not my proudest moment, but we’re learning.

There were a few other short-lived dalliances, but we all have places to go and people to see (from a distance). Just know I somehow managed to make the Pandemic Year my own personal Slut Year. And we’re using the term slut lovingly, simply to describe that 2020 was the year I managed to sleep with more people than any year prior. Tell me I can’t do something, then watch me work.

If you pay attention to detail, as I’m sure my 2 consistent followers do, you’ll remember Suzie and I matched mid-October which was in the midst of my MK chronicles. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was lovestruck by Suzie just from her Hinge profile and pictures. I don’t mean like, “Oh, she’s pretty, I hope she likes me back.” I mean like, something happened to my brain immediately that can only be described as some version of virtual pheromones invading my bloodstream. It felt uncontrollable and biological. And if we learned anything from Dr. Fauci this year, it’s that science knows best. The first real conversation we had - meaning that sweet sweet moment someone on a dating app finally admits that they, too, were looking at the app at the very same moment you messaged them - felt engaging and electric and right. At the end of the conversation I gave her my number and she immediately texted me “Talk to you tomorrow *kissy emoji*,” which probably made me precum. 

What ensued was months of talking every day. I’ll drone on for paragraphs if I let myself, so I’m not going to let myself. I’ll just say for a while it felt amazing. I liked her so deeply. It took us a good stretch of time before we broached the subject of seeing each other in person, but then a combination of her horrific time management skills (her words), a potential Covid exposure, and a highly contentious presidential election got in the way and lead us down a windy path ultimately culminating in a Zoom first date… a week and a half before I was supposed to fly home for 2 months. The Zoom date was everything I hoped it would be and more. I’d never felt more sad to click “End Meeting For All” but was too giddy to notice. She asked me about my holiday plans, so I told her about my impending travel, and then she more or less said we should have sex before I go. So we did. And it was the best sex of my life. And then I left the state of California, our mutual residence, for 2 months.  

Things were somewhat fine at first - we were still talking every day, with a few more Zooms sprinkled in - but then she went home to New Jersey, and suddenly we weren’t talking every day. It was more like every 3-4 days and rarely in actual conversational form. It was more like me waiting for her to reply, then waiting to respond since she’d waited so long, then we’d do it all over again. I felt anxious and tortured and dejected and had no appetite and my mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was ok. I was not ok. But I told myself to bE cHiLL, something that is often diametrically opposed to my natural state of being. I reminded myself that, despite the fact that we had spoken every day for 2 months - which is practically one step away from engagement in LesbianLand - we had only had one in-person date. I was careful to not make It seem more serious than It was, so instead I workshopped a lot of dramatic WHAT ARE WE? texts that I sent to all of my friends and never to Suzie.

We had mutually agreed upon “See you in January,” so I told myself I’d just ask her to hang out when we got back. Then she postponed her flight to LA for 2 more weeks because our Covid numbers were at a scary peak, the worst it had been since the beginning of the Pandemi Lovato. Finally she told me she’d rebooked her flight for the 15th, and I optimistically thought to myself, “You simply don’t tell someone the exact day you’re getting back into town if you don’t plan on seeing them! Right?” Wrong. I shot my shot, and she shot me down. She replied with a long series of texts explaining that her mental health wasn’t in a good place, and she couldn’t be accountable for communicating effectively. She sprinkled in some compliments for good measure, making sure to take a pit stop in “I think you are so wonderful so please don’t think this has anything to do with you” Town, which was reassuring but did not override my brain’s instinct to rethink everything I’d done and said the past few months. But I felt connected to her on a human level, and I didn’t want to lose that simply because she didn’t want to bump butts anymore, so I suggested we be friends and she enthusiastically agreed. End of conversation.

Until later that night, when she texted me Greetings after landing at LAX. I was confused, but I assumed that just meant she was taking me at my word, and this friendship started n.o.w. What followed was some of the most perplexing behavior I’ve witnessed as a living person and hands down the most confounding I’ve ever experienced in my dating career. She’d text me about a new vibrator she bought, or send me a song link then simply “heart” my response and be done with the exchange. It felt like she was just reminding me she existed, as if my small brain could forget. Sometimes she’d ask me how I was doing and we’d have semblances of a real friendship, but other times she’d tell me that I’m SO HOT or send me DMs of a sexy Phoebe Bridgers photo or a Normal People instagram post of Connell telling Marianne she’s pretty. Somewhere in the middle of all that my patient friend Caroline finally hit me with some tough love and told me I needed to block Suzie’s number and hide her on social media. For all intents and purposes, Suzie couldn’t exist anymore. Caroline was right, but I couldn’t do it, so I compromised that for the next week I wouldn’t reach out to Suzie first. Caroline told me “Alcoholics have to quit cold turkey, they don’t get to say well I drink on the weekends” but I decided I was simply not able to do anything more drastic than not text this freshly 25 year old girl who was slowly unraveling my emotional stability first for a week.

You will not believe this but I survived the week and actually felt better, so I did it again the next week. And the next. And the next. Until it had been a month and I hadn’t reached out to Suzie first. She was still texting and DMing me, but I felt my feelings finally waning! Gone were the days of finding her high school ex-boyfriend’s blog in the depths of the internet or looking her up on Venmo to see who she’d gotten Chipotle with the night before. I absolutely still liked her - those fucking pheromones are relentless - but it felt less fresh, so I started to formulate a plan. Once I felt FULLY (lol) over her, I’d text her the next time I was horny. Best case scenario she’d come over, worst case scenario she’d be so disgusted or insulted that she’d never want to talk to me again and I’d actually get over her, not pretend-get-over-her-so-I-could-trick-myself-into-safely-bootycalling-her. But then she sent me potentially the most flirtatious message yet, and I took my opening at 12:53p on a Wednesday and simply said “when are you going to fuck me.” She fucked me that Saturday night.

So. Suzie is back, and Saturday night (and Sunday morning, *wink* she slept over) was great. But now it’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad again, to borrow some words from Judith Viorst.

How we left things this time is that she does want to see me again, but it can’t be a talk-everyday-thing because she’s ~bUsY* and moving to NYC this summer anyway for grad school (did I forget to mention that? Oops!) and for whatever other reasons that exist that are preventing her from being obsessed with me. She asked what my boundaries and needs are too, and both her actions and words that night really felt clear that she still liked me. I asked if she thought she’d ever see me again. There are some things you really can only ask while cuddling post-sex, and that’s one of them. She paused and said yes. She explained the context around her poor communication and that she never wanted to stop talking to or seeing me, and the way she was holding me felt like she was feeling just as connected to me as I was to her. You can tell when someone just isn’t there with you, and this was not that. We were both right there.

But we were also right back to there being a power imbalance between us. There’s no escaping the fact that this is really on her terms in its present configuration. Our best plan was to promise to be honest moving forward, which felt like it had a lot of potential at the time, but it turns out being honest is hard. Things sort of reverted back to how they were, except with all of my feelings and expectations that I’d worked hard to push down rushing back to take their place on the frontlines of my brain.

It’s been almost 2 weeks, and we’ve talked a few times every 2-4 days. I’m fighting the urge to memorialize exactly what’s transpired, but there’s simply no use in holding onto the details. What finally made all of these not-at-all latent emotions bubble up to the surface and inspired this Intense Feelings Word Vomit is two pronged. First, because I love to torture myself, sometimes I look at Suzie’s Hinge profile to see if she’s changed anything. For some reason, if it stays the same, I feel safe that she’s not seeking out anyone else but me. Which is somewhat logical but also farcical in this particular situation, and I fully understand that. I guess I was really wanting to invite some pain into my life tonight, because even after she texted me yesterday and then proceeded to stretch a very short conversation into something that still is in limbo, I decided it would be fruitful to check her Hinge profile. I’m here to report that all 3 of her prompt questions & answers were different. And readers, I had previously checked it recently enough to know this was a very fresh edit.

The second thing that pushed my feelings over the top, out of my mouth, and directly onto my keyboard is that when she finally texted me back at like 11:30pm, she seemed to entirely brush over two clear attempts, in my opinion, at relaying that I’d like to see her again. And that feels not good. My instinct is to tell myself that maybe my comments weren’t as overt as I first believed them to be, but I think that’s a thinly veiled excuse and a defense mechanism. If someone wants to see you, they will.

I’m almost certain (I am certain) all of my friends - ALL of them! I have A LOT! - are up to their eyeballs in Suzie-flavored-shit, so before writing this I must admit I did the loneliest thing of all: instead of being honest and sharing my feelings directly with her, I texted them… to myself. Raw, unedited emotions that I hope to never re-read one day but probably will and when I do I sure hope I’m in a healthier place and can laugh about it and think about How Far I’ve Come.

The truth is, I’m sitting here all over again picturing the dates I could take her on (the Carlsbad Flower Fields), what restaurants she should experience before leaving LA (Pace), and what fun at-home activities I could plan for us before the world fully returns to a post-Covid society (the DIY pottery kit I bought for myself, fully aware she loves to make clay art). Dare I admit I even daydream about the cross-country road trip that I’ll offer to accompany her on when she moves back East. I look at the contents in my fridge and think, “Maybe I wont use that ingredient tonight in case I need it to make us dinner next time she comes over.” I was ready to plan trying to get vaccinated this weekend around her availability, which is actually insane. You look up simp in the dictionary, and there I am. I took the crumb she gave me and turned it into a huge fucking Mrs. Fields birthday cookie cake that serves 20. No wonder I feel sick.

Unless I’m entirely miscalculating, which I can safely say I am not, Suzie is not sitting in her home thinking the same about me. I think she does like me - I have to allow myself to believe she does, because she said she does, and if I don’t believe it now I never will - but I also have to admit that 6 months into this game of Suzie Mental Gymnastics, I can recognize that all signs are pointing directly to the fact that I like her far more than she likes me. I don’t say that as a form of self-flagellation; it’s just a fact that I need to finally accept. Not just accept, but also let go of the possibility that it’s going to change. That’s the hardest part. I naively thought we were getting back on the ride again, and I buckled up for what turned out to be just a detour.

It can feel nearly impossible to pull yourself away from someone, especially when it feels like their claws are deeply embedded in your brain and your heart. That sounds wildly dramatic, but it is genuinely how I feel. What’s doubly hard is being able to trust my own instincts. I can get attached very quickly, and then it’s almost indecipherable whether someone is actually mistreating me or if my unrealistic expectations don’t allow the other person a chance to actually meet them. This whole essay could potentially be described as an overreaction, but the more I think about it, the more confident I feel in the validity of my feelings. Even if part of the issue is setting my expectations too high, the bigger issue is how I’m being treated. Suzie and I did agree on a low-pressure situation, but it doesn’t take much more than the bare minimum effort to consider another person’s feelings. And I don’t think my feelings are being considered all too much.

Not that Suzie ever really left my life in a real way, but I’m starting to think she came “back” for me to get a second chance at prioritizing my boundaries, my feelings, myself. I don’t want to overreact and call a party foul too soon, but perhaps I need to readjust my idea of what constitutes too soon. After all, maybe it was a mistake to not have asked for clarity sooner the first time. It would have probably allowed me to enjoy my time at home with family more and saved my brain a heck of a lot of overtime I am still saving up to pay. A not-no doesn’t mean a yes, and waiting does not change the outcome. It’s a natural reaction to hold on tighter to someone while loosening your grip on your own needs when you feel them pulling away, but it’s often something you can’t stop from happening. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes you have to assert your needs when they’re not being met and watch things fall apart, not because you have those needs but in spite of them. You start again. I will start again.