#I’m worried they’ll relapse even harder and reach the point of no return

[nanashijt]

I’m worried they’ll end up being like… hero syndrome villains, causing trouble to fix it and acquire recognition… I really don’t want these two to have an unhappy end to their story. I WANT THEM TO REDEEM THEMSELVES AND BREAK THE CYCLE.

Surge, Kit… I’m begging you, don’t prove your torturers right! Don’t be the pawns they wanted you to be. Starline’s gone, Clutch is all but fucked now. You can do this, you can change!

surge and kit in the annual

surge: maybe starline was right about this whole cycle thing. we need to do our thing. there’s no point being mad at a world that’s too stupid to do anything to even help themselves. maybe i’ll make sonic’s death look like an accident, or i’ll just dethrone him. we’ll see what happens. but either way, we’re gonna be the new heroes around here!

kit: i’m going to kill tails and cause problems :)

[blythecreamer]

Finally...

I’m writing again. For a long time I felt like there was nothing to say. It often feels like Groundhog Day around here. But actually a lot has been going on. It’s been 19 weeks of quarantine. It’s crazy to think about. I am still very anxious. Still taking only 1/2 klonopin a day (amazing!). But somehow managing my anxiety. Coloring helps me immensely. I do it every day and I feel relaxed, focused on that process only, my mind is still for a few hours. I’ve also started meeting with my therapist twice a week instead of monthly. That has made a world of difference. She pushes me to confront my anxieties and challenge them, taking baby steps. She wants me to move closer to accepting the “new normal.” I have major anxiety about leaving the house. She wants me to take walks without Mark (which I still haven’t done). We haven’t even been going on walks together very much lately. I’ve got to motivate. But I HAVE left the house 8 times!! Once to the dentist, 3 times to the grocery store, twice to Royal Farms, once to get my hair cut, and once to CVS. And CVS wasn’t a quick run—I had to deal with them fucking up one of my prescriptions. I DID IT!! I am amazed!!! Mark and my therapist were so proud! It’s SO crazy going into the grocery store. It’s totally surreal. It’s like you get into this primal mode where you’re just like “grab anything that looks good!!!!” Its crazy. My other main source of anxiety (besides the other larger and most obvious anxiety-me or Mark getting COVID and dying) is about Mark going to work. I worry about him SO MUCH. I am so stressed about how I will manage his return to work. What will I do to fill up me empty days alone? I am afraid I’ll get depressed. It’s so fucking stressful. This has been another issue I’ve been unpacking with my therapist. We are developing some strategies to keep me busy while I’m alone. I’m still freaked the fuck out. So my anxiety is always there-manifesting itself in different ways-at bay some days, perseveration other days. I have chronic nightmares. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m overwhelmed. Things are going ok with my new psychiatrist. She has kept my bipolar/anxiety meds the same-and I can’t really blame her. It seems like a potentially dangerous move to switch things up considering the situation. I feel a bit overmedicated on my antipsychotic but fear I’ll have an episode of some sort or another if I lower my dosage. If I had a hypomanic episode right now i would be SO FUCKED! And even though I need to get off lithium to save my poor kidneys, that 300mg might be keeping me stable. As far as the klonopin goes I am kind of in a shitty place. She wants me off it. She won’t prescribe any more until we meet in person. All I have are the refills Misty gave me. They’ll last a while with my rationing but the question is when will we actually meet in person. If things continue to go south it could be months before we meet and I CANNOT just go off a benzodiazepine. That is dangerous and life threatening. So yet another source of anxiety. My mood—in terms of hypomania and depression—has been very stable. My sleep is good and consistent. My mood is fairly even. She seems to think I’m doing pretty well in terms of anxiety. I’m not huddled in a ball in bed, unable to do anything productive. I agree with that. But my anxiety has definitely become more of a generalized anxiety situation, rather than the panic disorder I’ve been diagnosed with. I have had few panic attacks since COVID, but my anxiety is pervasive and definitely problematic. My therapist also thinks I’m managing my anxiety pretty well and keeps telling me I don’t give myself enough credit for the strides I’m making. I can see that, but believing it is much more difficult. I’ve basically stopped eating because of my anxiety. I eat dinner but that’s all. I’ve lost at least 15lbs maybe more (our scale blows). I just can’t eat. It makes me sick just thinking about eating. I know this is not healthy, contributes to my low energy and tiredness (effects of my antipsychotic), and is just a bad idea when all I have is a stomach full of meds. I kind of feel like I’ve developed an eating disorder on top of everything else. In terms of my sobriety I’m doing well. I hardly think about drinking with everything else going on. I had one incident when Mark and I got into an argument and I got in the car threatening to go to Wine Source. But that was unusual. I’m feeling strong on this front. I’m not in danger of relapse. This current situation seems 100x harder than rehab. I’m doing fine without my continuing care group. I still have all the support I need from friends and family. The major positive that’s come out of all this is having Mark home with me for 19 weeks. When he is commuting we spend a few hours together every day. We’ve had a couple blowouts but reconciled with things back to normal rather quickly. What can you expect when you’re trapped in the house with each other for almost 5 months. I adore Mark and I want him home forever!! It’s been such an amazing way to bond—to reinforce our love for one another. I can’t imagine my world without him in it. I JUST CAN’T. We have had some socially distant hangouts and that has helped IMMENSELY!!! We’ve seen my parents 4 times-and on the last visit I finally gave them hugs! I finally felt safe enough to do so (they wore their masks) and it was soooo good!! We’ve also had 4 friends over. Including one of my best friends/acupuncturist who gave me a treatment in my living room! So awesome!!! These hangouts give me LIFE!!! Things are simultaneously so weird and normal. It’s a good thing to have human contact!!! I’m hanging in. I’m on media blackout. Have been since this all started. Mark fills me in on the important things I need to know. Media coverage/articles are too much for me. Anxiety through the roof. I know things are SO BAD and I have made them worse in my mind so what’s the point. Not to bury my head in the sand but I’ve got to do what I need to do to preserve my sanity. Reaching out to friends and family, even a quick text, really helps. Just to make contact and make sure everyone is ok. I talk to my mom & dad several times a day. Mark. Mom. Dad. My friends. My rocks. Keep them close even though they’re far. ❤️ So overall I am making it happen. I see my strength, my resolve. I’m pressing on day by day. I am doing the best I fucking can and that’s all I can fucking ask of myself.