#I’m trying to get more confident in writing so this is super random lolol

[absentlurker]

Have a little Ficlet!!!

~~~~~~

Wayne sighs heavily as he walks into the trailer after a long night shift. The lights were off in the living room except for a small Coca Cola night light plugged in above the kitchen counter. He locks the door before dumping his keys on the kitchen table before taking off his jacket. He kicked off his boots after hanging his jacket on the back on the table chair.

Wayne grabs his boots and placed them against the wall beside the front door before walking down the short hall to Eddie’s bedroom door.

He paused before the cracked door when he heard voices softly talking. Eddie and Steve, Wayne thought to himself and started to walk away but paused when their voices started to rise a little in the bedroom.

Nosey old man, Wayne chuckles at himself as he turns his head so he can hear better.

“I know you’re scared to get hurt again, baby,” He hears Eddie say. Wayne’s brows furrowed, “but you can’t let that stop you from letting people in, Steve.”

Wayne hears Steve huff and it’s quiet for a moment before Steve says weakly, “You don’t understand. I think about if we don’t make it and I’m just sick to my stomach.” Wayne hears some movement and Eddie’s bed squeaking as he moves.

“Honey, what’s the alternative?” Eddie questions with a hum, “are you going to let us go because of a maybe? Baby, I can’t see the future but you gotta take risks sometimes.”

Steve doesn’t say anything which worries Wayne because god, Eddie would beside himself if Steve were to break up with him. He’s so gone on that boy.

He’s surprised how calm Eddie sounds when he says, “You know, I’ve been there.”

“Huh?” Steve questions, “what do you mean ‘you’ve been there’?”

Eddie takes a deep breath and says, “When I moved in with Wayne, I had convinced myself I wasn’t gonna trust him.” Wayne stops the noise that threatens to escape at the confession. What?

“What? Wayne?” Steve asks and he hears Eddie’s voice crack as he laughs at Steve’s surprise.

“Yeah, man. I was terrified to let anyone in again. After my dad-“ Wayne’s heart aches as Eddie’s voice breaks, “Well, you know…I didn’t want to let anyone in or love anyone because what’s the point, you know? They’re just going to hurt me and they didn’t understand me anyway.” Eddie snorts softly, “Did you know I didn’t even speak to Wayne for about six months when I first showed up?”

“Really?” Steve asks softly. Wayne remembers those days. God, they were so difficult. Wayne constantly felt like he was doing everything wrong back then.

“Yeah, I honestly don’t know how he managed. I was such an asshole to him for no reason back in the beginning.”

No, Wayne thought, you were a grieving little boy who lost everything he knew.

“He didn’t give up though. God, I still remember when I came home from school when I was like eleven. I had a black eye because I got in a fight over something I don’t remember and I was just angry all the time. I refused to tell him what happened and honestly, I was trying to start a fight with him.” Eddie admitted distantly, “I guess I wanted him to yell at me and prove he was just like everyone else and you know what he did?”

“What?” Steve whispers, he sounds as invested in his story as Wayne is even though he was there.

“He grabbed me and hugged me so tight,” Eddie sounds choked up and honestly, so is Wayne. “He-he said, ‘boy, I understand you’re angry and you miss your old life but I’m going to be here even if you build concrete walls around yourself. And I’m going to love you and care for you and if you think for one second I won’t go down to that school and raise hell because of your face, you gotta thing comin’” Eddie laughs to himself, “and he did! He stomped down to that middle school and told off the principal for not expelling that boy who hit me.” Eddie snickers softly, “Jesus, that was great.” He hears Steve laughing quietly.

“I knew I loved him then,” Eddie continues, “and I wasn’t even mad about it. It was a risk because it was still in the beginning and he could still hurt me one day but you know what?” Eddie sounds content, “He hasn’t. He probably doesn’t understand everything I do and say because dude, I can be so weird sometimes,”

Steve interrupts with a laugh before saying, “True.” Wayne nods in agreement.

“Rude. But he doesn’t care and he loves me anyway.”

Wayne hears Eddie move around before he says, “Stevie, I’m asking you to take a risk with me. I know you’ve been hurt and it’s made you doubt yourself about love and relationships but the planet is going to keep spinning with or without me and don’t you wanna see where it goes?”

Steve sounds on the edge of tears when he says, “Yeah, yeah, I do.”

“Yeah?”

Steve laughs, “Yeah, you goof.” Wayne smiles to himself when he hears the obvious sound of lips smacking together.

“You won’t regret it, Stevie, I’ve got a good feeling.” Eddie tells him playfully.

Wayne turns away from Eddie’s door to walk back down the hall with a smile on his face.

Maybe he didn’t mess up that much trying to raise that little ten year old who showed up at his door all those years ago.

~~~~~~~

(inspiration for this was from the song the alternative by Lyn Lapid)

[vs-redemption]

for the character ask game: Luck, Magna, Finral, Gauche and Vanessa

From Cindy: Hey anon! I’m sorry this took so long to post! I just had to really think about some of these! It was super fun to write though, so thank you so much!

*Sorry this is so long!*

Luck Voltia

First impression

I had a tough time getting over the fact that his English VA was the same as Midoriya from BNHA at first, but thankfully that went away pretty fast. I pretty much loved Luck immediately though. I heard him trying to fight people with that crazy look on his face and was sold. I also lost my mind a bit when they started calling him the “cheery berserker.” Like, please give me a nickname like this please.

Impression now

I still love Luck a lot! My initial reasoning still stands, but I’ve also enjoyed that we’ve had a few peeks into his past and inner workings of his mind to understand not only WHY he acts the way he does but also gain an understanding that he has complex emotions and isn’t just a crazy fighting machine.

Favorite moment

All Luck moments are great, but I always laugh when I think about the time Mereoleona blasted into the Black Bulls hideout to kidnap people for training. Everyone else looked horrified to be dragged away by her fire claw arms, but Luck just has this super happy excited look on his face! He’s so cute.

Idea for a story

What about Luck discovering he loves a hobby other than fighting? Like singing or drawing? Or an AU where he’s in a boy band or something ahaha

Unpopular opinion

I do love his friendship with Magna, but I do feel like it’s a bit unbalanced at times and maybe toxic for Magna. I’ve said this before, but Magna is pretty sensitive and seems to get genuinely upset when Luck manages to outperform him, especially when Luck managed to get into the magic knights and he didn’t. Luck is also kinda blunt about things sometimes, and even if he doesn’t really mean any harm by it, it makes me feel bad for Magna.

Favorite relationship

Despite what I just said, of course I enjoy Luck and Magna’s relationship. Luck inspires Magna to get stronger, and Magna is patient enough to endure Luck’s antics while also serving as an example of what human relationships should look like since poor Luck has such a weird, unhealthy relationship/attachment to his mom.

Favorite headcanon

It’s hard to imagine Luck in a romantic relationship since he’s just a small ball of crazy energy, but I’d like to think he’d be super warm and cuddly with someone he loves.

Magna Swing

First impression

I had a hard time knowing how I felt about Magna at first. I never disliked him but I went back and forth about him a lot and I’m not sure why. I’m naturally drawn to characters associated with fire, so I liked his magic right away. I suppose it took me a while to get used to his personality though. I think his appearance threw me off a bit too.

Impression now

I’m cool with Magna! He acts loud and tough all the time, but inside he’s actually really sweet. He’s a hard worker, which I respect, and he deeply cares about his friends and teammates in the black bulls.

Favorite moment

I like when he introduced that new vanishing fireball attack (I think against Asta in the royal knight exam). That was so cool that he adapted his power and learned from the mistakes from previous fights. I also just love any time he freaks out and starts batting fireballs at Luck. It’s funny. Or any time he screams about his crazy cyclone.

Idea for a story

What if someone wrote a fic where Magna joins the Crimson Lions instead of the Black Bulls? He could train his fire magic with the Vermillion family. That might be neat.

Unpopular opinion

Magna isn’t really my type, looks wise, but I definitely did a double take during the elf fights when his sunglasses were off and his hair was all disheveled.

Favorite relationship

I really like Magna’s relationship with Yami. Magna really respects the captain, and it’s nice to see them go out and do their gambling together even though it usually ends up with them returning empty handed and naked. haha

Favorite headcanon

Magna seems pretty shy about relationship stuff. He looks and acts like a punk, but I bet he’d be a perfect gentleman to his significant other. I can imagine him defending their honor or just taking care of any assholes who try to bully them.

Finral Roulacase

First impression

Oh Finral! It’s hard to remember clearly, but I think I felt disappointed with him at first. He was just kind of this guy that was obsessed with getting a date and used by Yami for making portals. I didn’t like how lazy and unmotivated he seemed.

Impression now

I am a firm believer that Finral is a precious bean and I love him so much! Now that I know where his insecurities come from, I can understand and sympathize with his nervousness and low self-confidence. I absolutely love how he’s been working harder and learning to use his magic in more useful ways to become a more valuable member of the team though. He’s starting to stand up for himself and become not only a better magic knight, but a better person in general too. (Although his flirting never bugged me that much)

Favorite moment

I don’t like that Finral got hurt so badly, but the moment where Langris was attacking him and every member of the black bulls rushed to stop him was really powerful. It showed that he was a loved member of the squad, plus the whole fact that he was finally making a stand against his brother was a big deal for him.

Idea for a story

I’d like to read anything about Finral with someone, either a friend or partner, who gives him lots of affection and verbal praise so the poor guy can build up his confidence a little. He deserves that. Smother him with love and affection! Do it!

Unpopular opinion

I don’t really care for the whole “competing to marry Lady Finesse” thing. I want Finral to find happiness and be able to have a comfortable and respected role within his family, but I’m not too concerned about if he ends up with her.

Favorite relationship

I’ve been thinking about this for a few minutes and I honestly can’t come up with one, which is sad. Maybe I’m forgetting someone but it doesn’t seem like Finral has any close relationships/friendships. I know he’s friends with everyone in the Black Bulls but nobody stands out as being especially close to him.

Favorite headcanon

Finral probably has a lot of guilty pleasure hobbies that help him manage his anxiety. For example baking, knitting, reading romance novels, or listening to cheesy love songs.

 Vanessa Enoteca

First impression

I feel like I was just curious and confused about most of the Black Bulls when they were first introduced because they all seemed like… lazy or unmotivated, so I didn’t understand why they were even in the magic knights or how they passed the exam. Turns out Yami just hands out Black Bull robes like Halloween candy. lolol

Impression now

I like the growth her character has gone through during the series. She seemed like a lazy drunk at first, but when she is motivated she is REALLY motivated. Her loyalty to the Black Bulls is so absolute that it seems like she’d sacrifice ANYTHING or pay any price for her friends.

Favorite moment

When she goes back to the witch queen and offers to give up her freedom to try and save Asta’s arms. It is such a selfless thing to do and it just shows how much Vanessa loves her teammates.

Idea for a story

Uh… a soulmate AU that involves her red thread magic?

Unpopular opinion

I thought it was kind of random that she apparently has a crush on Yami. Like, its fine… I also have a crush on Yami, but I didn’t think it was necessary. Her admiration for him could just be platonic and that would be just as meaningful.

Favorite relationship

Either her relationship with Finral or her relationship with Yami probably. Even though I’m not a huge fan of the green in Finral’s hair, I think it’s cute that he came to Vanessa for advice and that she wants to help him reinvent himself.

Favorite headcanon

Why did I just think of Vanessa and Gordon running an apothecary together? They can just brew potions and poisons together and it would be great. I don’t know.

Gauche Adlai

First impression

Was I supposed to have any other impression than that he was a super creepy sister lover? haha

Impression now

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the sister thing. That actually upsets me because everything else about Gauche is so cool to me. His magic is really awesome, and I love how unique and creative it is. And honestly, I don’t even care that he’s obsessed with his sister. I get that she’s the only family he really had and that he’s protective, but it doesn’t have to be that weird. It really doesn’t.

Favorite moment

I really liked when he used his magic to make a bunch of doubles of Asta, and every other time he caved and actually worked together with other members of the Black bulls. I also like whenever he blasts Asta with a mirror out of nowhere because Marie said something about liking him. Poor Asta has no idea why he’s getting attacked.

Idea for a story

Oh! How about Gauche taking over the church where his sister lives and becoming the protector of all the children? Or he could run a “scared straight” program where he intimidates delinquents into becoming better citizens.

Unpopular opinion

I’m not sure but I think most of his lines about Marie are actually hilarious. Like when he wouldn’t attack Sally’s monster thing because it looked like Marie. That was amusing. It’s just that when his nose starts bleeding and stuff, that makes it go from funny to awkward and creepy.

Favorite relationship

I’ll go with his relationship with the nun. He is such an asshole to her, but she throws it back without hesitation.

Favorite headcanon

I have no idea, but can we start shipping him with that scales dude (Damnatio Kira). I just thought of that and it’s making me happy to imagine it.

[mystic-messenger-writing]

rfa boys + v + saeran with MC as brand new parents. Like, we're talking baby time with middle of the night feedings and diaper changes, and crying and not sleeping and the exhaustion that comes with being a new parents, but also a cute moment here and there as well.

Awww anonny you’re hitting me with the feels! I could write tons of pages about the Mystic Messenger characters being parents so these turned out to be longer and fluffy! I based the children’s sex on my last post about these peeps being parents and I also added Jaehee just because I didn’t want her to be left out so hopefully that’s okay! I kind of want to give the children names and personalities now because I’ve become so attached to this idea thanks to you and the other anon’s parent request! I absolutely loved writing this request so I really hope that you enjoy!! :)

Yoosung

Yoosung is surprisingly really helpful when it comes to dealing with your newborn son

He understands how exhausted you are from the day and usually takes the night shifts when taking care of your son

Yoosung already stays up late to play LOLOL and has even started to set up a schedule as to when to check on his son while also killing some monsters

The times whenever Yoosung is actually asleep and hears your son crying, he always gets right out of bed to care for him

Your son sometimes has problems properly latching onto the bottle when it’s feeding time so Yoosung gives him little encouragements to help him

“Come on little guy, you have to drink your milk! How else will you grow big and strong enough to help daddy slay the monsters in LOLOL? Hey, that’s it! You’re doing it! I’m so proud of my little man!”

There have been nights where Yoosung is just exhausted from work and just wants to sleep but when he hears his son’s crying, he’ll attend to him no matter what the problem is… unless it’s diaper changing then he may call you for some assistance

One of Yoosung’s favorite things in the world is showing your son picture books of animals and seeing his reaction to each one, slowly but surely teaching his son the wonders of being a Vet

Yoosung is honestly Super Dad and is extremely attentive to his son’s needs because he’d do absolutely anything for his son

Zen

Zen definitely tried his best whenever it came to dealing with your son at night, he just wasn’t always the best

He’d come home tired from rehearsals and as the two of you were about to fall asleep, your son would start crying

With a deep sigh, Zen would roll out of bed and tend to his son’s needs

Your son was like his father for more than just his looks, he was extremely vocal like Zen

Zen would wince sometimes at just how loud his son would cry but he found that his own voice would usually soothe the little one

“Listen son, I’m really proud of you for working on that singing voice so early on in life but mommy and I are tired. How about you listen to your old man sing a little bit and then you go back to sleep alright?”

When it came to night feeding and diaper changing, Zen would typically have to turn to you for help because he would usually make the bottle too warm and could not change a diaper to save his life

But when your son wasn’t crying his little lungs out, one of Zen’s favorite things is to put his son on his bare chest, taking ahold of his son’s tiny arms and moving them in random patterns and singing to him while lightly kissing his forehead

Zen definitely has room to improve with his parenting, something he understands and accepts, but one thing that he’s mastered is to always love and care for his son

Jaehee

Jaehee already has experience taking care of the other RFA members, who’re basically kids, so she ends up being a super great mom

She sees how exhausted you are so Jaehee’s more than willing to take care of her daughter at nighttime

Your daughter isn’t a very loud crier but Jaehee can always tells when she’s in distress

Jaehee’s a pro at diaper changing and heating up the bottles since she had lots of experience with heating up her coffee

But there are times when both you and Jaehee are tired but your daughter is crying her little heart out but of course Jaehee will attend to her, she just may be a little bit cranky in the morning

When your daughter refuses to fall back asleep, Jaehee likes to read her stories from a fairytale book, even acting out all of the parts which earns a few giggles from her tiny daughter

“This is what I want you to learn my daughter, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything. You’re going to grow up to be such a strong and beautiful girl and me and your mother want you to be happy. We’ll make sure to always encourage you to follow your dreams.”

You notice your daughter starting to fall asleep only when she’s cradled in Jaehee’s arms, making Jaehee give you a shy smile

Jaehee is an amazing mom, no one would argue that, and her daughter grows up knowing just how much her two mothers love her

Jumin

Jumin wanted nothing more than for his daughter to grow up in a healthy, loving environment

To do this, Jumin wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, so since he worked during the day he usually would spend all night with her

But when your daughter would cry, Jumin would panic never knowing what she needed

Jumin was terrible at changing diapers, he could ever get the bottle temperature right, and it seemed like every time he’d try to pick his daughter up, her cries would turn into wailing

He was about to give up hope of being a good dad but you kept encouraging Jumin, telling him to just keep spending more time with his daughter then she’d start warming up to him

One night when you and Jumin were sleeping, the two of you heard your daughter crying yet again and just as Jumin was about to call a nanny, you convinced him to go to her

He was reluctant but did so, carefully picking up his daughter to try and get her to calm down

When her crying turned louder, not that Jumin was surprised, he tried something new and started to rock his daughter back and forth while singing a lullaby in his deep voice

“Do like my singing my little girl? Hmm your mother says the same thing but I don’t think it’s that great. But I’m glad that you like it, I’ll sing anything for you my precious girl.”

His daughter eventually fell asleep in his arms, making Jumin almost cry on the spot as he cuddled her closer in his arms

Jumin may not be the most experienced dad, but after that moment he knew that he would give his daughter all of the love he could because, besides you, she was his favorite person in the world

Seven

Seven would always joke around about being the best dad ever but he honestly was starting to become one

His sleep schedule is the worst so he’d always be ready to go to your son when he started crying

By some miracle, your son didn’t become a crying mess all that often, making both you and Seven extremely relieved

It took Seven a while to get the hang of changing diapers and getting the bottle ready, let’s just say there were lots of times when you had to help clean up the mess Seven made

But Seven would always let you sleep when your son cried at night because he cherished his time with his little boy

When the little Choi was being extra fussy and wouldn’t stop crying, Seven would lift him up and spin around in slow circles, telling his tiny son crazy made up stories

The smile his son would show made Seven’s heart melt, he finally had a family to call his own

“You know little guy, I never knew what it was like to have loving parents. But you’re never going to feel that way because me and your mom are going to love you for forever! And maybe someday if you’re extra good, I’ll take you to space with me!”

Your son always seemed to calm down whenever Seven was with him, realizing that your husband made a father-son bond that would never be broken

Seven would always spend as much time as possible with you and his son, making sure that his son would grow up in a family that was filled with lots of love

V

V already had a feeling that life was going to get a bit… messier when your twins had come into this world

He always had an immense amount of guilt for not getting the eye surgery sooner so that he could see his children

So V figured that taking care of your fussy twins at night would at least start to show how sorry he was

The twins weren’t easy to deal with, your son would try and crawl out of the crib and slobber on anything he could get his hands on while your daughter was a crying machine and would flail around whenever anyone would try and pick her up

V definitely had his work cut out for him

He was a terrible diaper changer and he usually ended up dropping the bottles of milk on the floor before even heating them up since it was still dark outside, not helping with his poor vision

But as time went on, V started getting more and more confident as well as helpful with his twins

He loved having them sit on his lap while he watched their eyes widen in wonder as V showed them his scrapbooks of photos

Granted, he had to be careful of his son’s drool and his daughter’s tears when handling the photos

“You two sure seem to like this photo a lot and I’m not surprised. Uncle Jumin took this one of mommy and me in the garden. I really love this photo, even though it’s pretty blurry, we still need to teach Uncle Jumin how to take photos when you two get older. I’ll have him take a photo of all four of us together when you both are bigger okay?”

Now every time V’s with the twins, they immediately start to crawl onto his lap waiting for a new scrapbook to be presented to them

V had become an amazing father to his twins, not that it surprised you, and when they did get old enough, V received the eye surgery to finally fully see his beautiful family

Unknown

Saeran was absolutely terrified about being a father and having a child to look after

In fact, Saeran was practically afraid of his son, he saw his own vulnerable self within his son, making Saeran think of his own awful childhood and wanting nothing to do with the little boy

You would usually end up taking care of your son day and night since Saeran would get flashbacks of his childhood and nearly had a panic attack once

But one night when you were feeling extremely sick and resting, Saeran heard his son crying from the room next door

Saeran cautiously went to his son’s room and yet again, panicked when seeing his son crying, reminding him of himself

But then his son looked Saeran right in the eyes, making Saeran freeze but realize that his son needed him and that nothing else mattered

He gently picked up his little boy and sat down on a rocking chair, softly shushing him and wiping his tears away

“I’m so sorry for not taking care of you and properly loving you. But you helped me realize something, you’re my son and nobody’s going to take you away from me. I promise to protect you and love you for forever so don’t be sad anymore okay?“

From that night on, Saeran became a super dad and wouldn’t let his son out of his sight, soon becoming a diaper changing and bottle making expert

His favorite thing to do with his son is to go sit outside and stare at the clouds, with Saeran usually chuckling when his son would get excited and point at the sky

Saeran soon became an amazing father and husband, he would always make it a point to tell both you and his son how much he loved and cherished you two

[mystic-messenger-scenarios]

Random relationship hc for the RFA

(this wasn’t a request sorry but i’m slowly trying to get back into the whole writing thing hhhh my bad, if you want i’ll do a V and Saeran edition)

Yoosung

would be so damn cheesy : he'd try every cliché lines, dates, moves and just about everything he's seen in romantic movies

if you played video games with him, he'd try to do couple stuff in there : he's Mario and you're Peach in Mario Party; matching outfits in LOLOL, you're always in the same team/guild when you play multiplayer, he'd name both your Pokemons with matching names

If he ever played a game where you can romance someone (like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Fallout..) he'd avoid talking to any of the romanceable characters just bc he'd feel like he'd be cheating on you (lol nerd)

he takes cooking classes so he can be better at it and loves to make you a cute bento box for lunch

loves coffee dates and loves holding your hand even though he's super shy about it

kinda shy with PDA but if he's really happy, he'll get super confident and will kiss you and hold your waist all the time

biggest cuddle bug you've ever seen : you're working on something? he'll find a way to sit behind you and wrap his arms around your waist. He's playing LOLOL? He'll ask you the second you enter the room if you can sit on his lap. You both just came home from college/work? He'll drag you to his bed and cuddle until it's time for dinner.

Loves pet names but he's so embarrassed with them; he loves stupid names like cutie pie, my hero, my player 2, honey bunny (he's so embarrasing jfc yoosung)

Zen

I mean he's no better with pet names but he's a bit more traditional (with babe, honey, darling) but if you do something cute or just if he's in the mood to coddle you (which is very often) he'll give you long and embarrassing names like 'my fluffy cutie sweet beautiful adorable little cupcake' it's bad and it's even worse that this man has no shame - he'll say that in front of everyone good luck with him

he's so dedicated and observant though. Doesn't matter that he only sees you in the morning before going to work and at night when he comes home and you're already sleeping - if something's wrong or you don't feel well, he'll know. It's like he has a radar and he just knows even if he's away from you, when you're not okay and he'll do anything to help and cheer you up

he's always so open about his feelings and how thankful he is to have you - not only will he never take you for granted but he'll always make sure you know just how much you mean to him, how grateful he is for staying with him despite how his career isn't making things easy for your relationship together

doesn't matter if you're in college or at work or even in another city or country - he'll find a way to talk to you almost all day long - not necessarily in a clingy way (although he can be clingy if you let him) but he'll check up on how your last class went, make sure you've had lunch (although he'd do what he can to always eat every meal together), call you when you both have a break, send you selfies when you're at work

he loves suprising you : there's a beautiful bouquet on your desk at work/home? that's him. you've had a stressful week and you're about to have a breakdown? let's go on a date where it's just the two of you and you don't have to worry about anything or anyone. He has a lot of work and spends his time practicing? He'll leave a bunch of sticky notes everywhere for you to find and he'll write compliments, declarations of love, things to cheer you up and help you get through the day.

Jaehee

Not very open with PDA, she feels like it's not proper and she's not a fan of showing her love to strangers. she'd prefer walking close to each others rather than holding hands for example

since she loves baking, she always makes some stuff for you and she also makes you try all her new creations to know what to improve before she makes them available on her coffee shop's menu

ahh and if you love coffee (and I hope you do if you're with her) she makes the best cup and always prepares you one in the morning - she absolutely loves having breakfast together and wouldn't mind waking up extra early just so you can both take your time and enjoy the moment before going to work

she'd always be there if you needed help with your work or making notes for school - she's so organized and her way to make notes and color coding are on point

she's not spontaneous and she hasn't been in a relationship in a very long time so you need to take things step by step with her but with time she becomes a lot more open to you and while she's not very good with voicing her feelings and thoughts, she'll always make sure you know what her feelings for you are

she's independent but she's also been alone for a long time, she would want to start living together kinda early on in the relationship just because she wants to share as much as possible with you

she gets incredibly touched and flustered at random acts of affection because she is just not used to them and it means so much to her, even or actually, especially the little things : you made her breakfast? she'll give you the brightest sleepy smile you've ever seen first thing in the morning. You saw something in a shop and it reminded you of her so you just bought it? doesn't matter what it is, she'll keep it with her at all times and smile every time she looks at it. You tell her how proud you are of her for following her dreams? she'll be in tears in less than two seconds

Jumin

you'd think this man would be proper and distinguished and what not but no. When he's with you, he's like a giddy teenager who just looks at you with so much love in his eyes that it terrifies anyone who knows Jumin Han the Robot Man.

you've got him wrapped around your finger and you don't even need to do anything about it. You just have to exist and bam, he's 100% smitten with you. You can ask him anything and he'll get/do it for you. Ofc, it makes more sense for him to show you his love through material stuff like expensive clothes, jewelry and fancy trips to the best spa in the world; if you didn't want him to spend his money on you then too bad because he'll buy you stuff anyways, he just can't help it, it makes him so happy to buy you stuff -- but with time, he'll learn how words alone can affect him and you. 

He'll feel so wonderful when you tell him that you love him and just if you tell him your feelings - it won't take long for him to do the same bc he wants you to feel as happy as him - and he has a way with words + no shame so good luck trying to survive this combo bc the fluff this man brings will be the death of you

he loves to show you off, he just needs the whole world to know how perfect you are and he's pretty handsy too - he's never felt the need to be so close to someone both physically and in a relationship so it's pretty overwhelming for him and if you give him the okay then he won't see the point in holding back - he doesn't care about what the others say, as long as you're fine with him holding you, kissing you, nuzzling into your neck and resting his forehead against yours in front of everybody (be it at the office, in the street or in a super important party with fancy people from all over the world) that's all he needs

you know, he's kinda rivaling with Yoosung on the #1 RFA's cuddle bug bc he absolutely loves holding you and there's nothing better in the world for him than waking up with you in his arms, still sleeping with your face hiding in his chest

he's still shit with taking pictures and it's a shame bc he's become a selfie slut (watch out Zen, a new challenger has arrived) but, he only takes selfies with you

and he download more or less every single app that lets him add stupid filters to your faces so you can have kitty whiskers or flower crowns and what not

despite how busy he always is, he always tries to see you in the morning and makes it a point to come home for dinner - doesn't matter if he has to bring home five full folders from the office and work at home - dinner time with his love is important and he won't miss it

707 (i don't know how to write him so it's gonna be bad sorry)

it's gonna be a rollercoaster of emotions with him so I hope you're patient with his shit bc he'll still have his emo days where he just wants to be alone with his deep dark edgy feelings so yeah you deal with that 

most of the time though, he'll just goof around, prank you H24, try to make you two become a meme

he has 0 domestic skills so hahhh I hope you do. either that or you're fine with living in a constant mess and eating junk food all the time - you'll either have to be like his caretaker or his partner in crime (or both if you can manage)

he doesn't take most things very seriously though and making you smile and laugh is his number one priority so there's that

he's more or less a walking wikipedia + urban dictionary so if you need anything for an essay you're writing just ask him - he's full of knowledge - both accurate infos and random useless trivia

he'll take you on every single date possible and once he's done them all, he'll invent new ones. The classics will be going to the arcade and getting the highest score on every single game or going to a lasertag or paintball and teaming up to be the winning team every time. He always gets so into it and you'll both have code names like 'God 1, this is God 2, I have the enemy team in my sight do you copy?' and if it's a game where only one person can win, he'll make you shoot him and be all dramatic about it 

for the more original ones, he'll make the both of you dress up and wear wigs and pretend to be other people with other identities; like you'll slip in weddings and pretend to be distant family of the bride while you stuff your face with the food there

he'll make a bunch of stuff for you like he'll make an app where there's a 2D version of him and you can poke him to get voice lines, pet him and he'll say "nya", you can dress him up and you have interactions with him with dialogues choices (like in MM, how meta)

i hope this wasn’t too awful rip

[sanguinesprout]

Always so much hesitation and contemplation... (Some worries on my mind lately and some self encouragement)

I feel like there’s this mental block again, the kind where I want to do something or say something, but when I try to it just doesn’t happen or come out and I suddenly feel really foggy, tired, overwhelmed and aggravated at myself. I can’t stop the anxiety and the worry about all these things that I just happen to spontaneously mull over throughout the day. Like seriously I keep zoning out into super deep thinking mode when showering and stuff. I’m just still so consumed by fear and it’s causing so much stress and frustration. I keep reading into things too deeply, catastrophizing, falling deeper and losing myself to these pessimistic thoughts lately. Even writing this down as a fact is much too negative and is making me feel disinclined to continue ugh. There was a lot of recent stuff I wanted to write but I have forgotten it already because I put it off so much :c

Maybe I’ll just write some of what’s been worrying me, get em off my chest without worrying how silly and disjointed they may be, then move on to some of the more positive and nice things. Yeah, sounds like a good idea ^^ (Though my head hurts so much all over and my eyes are real heavy, but I’ll be okay, I wanna keep going!).

*A literal few days later* Uh.. welp, I guess that didn’t happen. I was much too groggy that night and I’ve been afraid to write again, my mood is all over the place. I really need to stop overthinking when I’m out doing stuff or even derping around at home, I’m giving myself too much unnecessary stress. Even today... or well, yesterday, I was getting so worked up about the awkwardness I felt while visiting and buying from this craft store. I got so annoyed at myself and my sister (for trying to make me interact with her and the store staff more than necessary) and was close to crying. I upset my sis a little by saying she upset me, I know she has good intentions but it really stresses me out so bad when I’m sort of pressured into situations instead of plucking up the courage and doing so on my own accord... but! Without pushing I guess maybe there’s a chance I wouldn’t have tried anyways, I gotta learn to adapt better to spontaneous stuff, these things aren’t and shouldn’t be planned... @^@

I was so nervous inside, but I did try really hard and did things like enquire about stuff, browse freely, pay etc., it’s just the kind of awkward small talk which I fail at super bad. I jut don’t know how to do it... all the times I’ve tried before it’s just been so awkward, it pains me to have to recall the feeling or even think of trying again. I observed my sister and how she does it though, I still sense some awkwardness at the start but then it transforms into something pleasant and cheerful. She had to practice this sort of thing though, I should do the same. Her having had jobs and things before certainly helped her... If only I could get a job or at least trust myself enough to try pursue something.

When I was expressing my discomforts to her (talking to others or talking in front of them, sort of being unsure how to go about buying stuff/the right process without feeling like an idiot etc.) she was sympathetic but strong and told me a bunch of stuff I already know but have been struggling to uphold. Things such as stop overthinking and being so hard on yourself etc. It’s just all too difficult, but difficult is an understatement even. I was so focused on the negative that I couldn’t see past it to the good things that I did, the ones which my sis said I should be congratulating myself for. I’m not some kind of emotional masochist, I dread hearing my own negative thoughts and seeing how they affect my actions. I need to get better, I need to not read into things so deeply and pessimistically, I can do it... I just need to try harder... to not let the bad thoughts win and have their way! Evil never wins! *pow!*

About some other things I worry about... I’ve mentioned this before already, but there’s a long running worry of mine where I think things I say or want to say will be bothering the person and maybe make them end up hating me or thinking I’m creepy. I am referring to stuff online mostly here, but I also mean in general. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m irritating, an awkward try hard and a total weirdo that doesn’t deserve to be acknowledged or have a say. I just feel so out of place and unworthy :c

*The next day* uh what was I talking about... @^@; Oh right I was feeling negative, but today I’m feeling a little better (especially since I ate some tidbits of desserts, cause I haven’t had any in months, I was dying to taste something with chocolate in it lolol instant scientifically proven mood lifter XD). 

Anyways, I’m being silly with what I wrote above. There is no set criteria to be allowed to like certain things, just because I don’t feel I belong doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate stuff too and how do I know I don’t belong? There is no criteria to that either, there is no obligation to have to know or do everything others do to feel valid. Also I am not unworthy and I need to stop thinking so lowly of myself, I am equal to everyone else, I can learn to be more confident in myself and even appreciate myself on the same level too. I wonder if that made sense but w/e! I need to stop beating myself up about everything and doubting myself, it just makes me shrink down small and scared instead of growing up tall and strong.

There’s still lots of things I’ve been hesitating from doing but I’ll get to them someday. I keep saying someday... but when is someday? I know waiting to feel comfortable to do something is actually just wasting time. It’s just another way of avoiding and may even prevent it from happening if this level of mentally prepared-ness is never reached. Stepping out of my comfort zone... it’s tough... but with baby steps as I’ve been doing, it should be okay, right? Don’t be too harsh silly self, you’ve been really courageous lately even if you haven’t seen it! >w<

Another thing that always bothers me is that I always feel like I need to ask or have affirmation on what I’m doing or what I want to do or say. I want it to be ‘right way’ or the same as how other people would do it. I feel like a child even more and more. Is it the struggle to be ‘normal’ causing this..? The fear to be perceived as not ‘normal’ and the desire to be ’normal’, it so big and so intimidating and controlling. I feel like in my attempts to not be seen as weird I sometimes become robotic instead... talking overly politely, pleasant, complimentary or generic and ultimately, very lifeless and not me. I don’t want to be like this... normal and not normal are subjective and are equally celebrated even... there’s no need to pursue something so abstract, you don’t have to be exactly like everyone else...! Just be yourself! Just be yourself and everything will be fine. Do and say as you feel, don’t box things into right and wrong, don’t overcomplicate things and just go for it! :D

Also the thing about having to have things perfect for it to be okay has been paralysing me again, especially in the case of art. There is no need for it..! What you’re doing is more than good enough, believe in yourself and your abilities! You can make things just as awesome as all the things you see and are impressed by. Sometimes making something good isn’t all about it looking super accurate or beautiful like other people’s, there’s plenty of other features which can make pieces so amazing, memorable and pleasant to view. Have faith in yourself and your unique style. So what? If you don’t possess or embrace the same style or skills as others, you don’t have to, and you should be proud of what you do. It’s what makes your art yours and what makes you, you.

My heart is still so wracked with anxiety and my mind frozen by the irrational, but I’ll keep knocking it away little by little until it’ll just all be gone and they’ll both be free..! 

*Snaps out of srs random fancy thinking mode* Phew! I feel I’m getting back on track and found the motivation that accidentally fell out of a hole in my pocket and got lost recently, yay! ^^ I was gonna write about some random other stuff but I guess I’ll save it for another post~ 

Have a nice productive evening~! ^^

[sanguinesprout]

The sky is a beautiful blue today~ (Some updates, nicer things, random snippets of memories and why I write about weather so much lol)

I was thinking maybe I should write about something lighter, like the things I did recently, in particular the good things, my small triumphs and such c: 

I’ve spent a lot more time out with my sister (and sometimes her bf and my mum) recently, especially in the case of going shopping~! I bought quite a lot of nice tops with interesting and motivating text based designs on them (maybe I’ll photograph them sometime), and some of them were on sale too yay! :3 Usually I try and avoid going out too many times in a row or when I don’t feel mentally prepared beforehand but I went and it was alright! Though some of the times I had no choice as I had a doctors appointment, but instead of just going home I went to the shops or the supermarket afterwards and had a nice long browse around~ 

I used to remember a long long time ago when I was younger I really did not enjoy shopping and would always constantly be asking when we could go home lol but now it’s pretty fun (apart from the fact I’m actually really poor). Also a long time ago I would trail around after my sis or whoever, but now I go off on my own and look at whatever I feel but sometimes my sis trails after me instead lol and likes to moan about me looking at things too slowly quite a lot. It makes me anxious but I told her about it so she does it less or I’ll tell her to go look at something else, cause I like taking my sweet time yo >3< I don’t mean like I only started doing this recently haha, but it did take quite a few years before I felt confident enough to go around on my own and actually enjoy it. I would go shopping completely on my own and take public transport after college and uni sometimes and such, I feel I’ve kind of taken a step back since then but I’m not back at square one at least I guess, it’s something!

I still feel awkward and anxious when people are blocking the way of an aisle or when they’re looking at the same rack of stuff, but I’m gonna try and push these feelings aside, be more assertive and so and so. There were also times where certain unusual situations were kind of traumatic for me and maybe I’ll write or draw about them sometime, but they’re not important and I shouldn’t keep thinking back on them and feeling hurt. I still sometimes get that ‘lost kid that has to look down every aisle and worries everyone already paid and left’ feeling after wandering around when I go to the supermarket with my parents lol, because they are all about being quick so they can go home and get ready for work and stuff, but having a phone now unlike when I was a kid and didn’t have one makes everything suck much less hah take that!

Anyways, back to the present! The weather has been pretty flip floppy lately, on some few random days the weather was real hot and some super rainy and cold and some calm and neutral, like today. I really love when it spontaneously rains so hard and immediately after the sky is such a wonderful clear blue, I feel it’s analogous to when you have are suddenly overcome with negative emotions and once they pass you feel at ease and can think with clarity again aka. the calm after the storm. I really like the weather and making weird metaphors about it as you could probably tell already lolol. The weather is just something that’s always there, something that affects mood but is also so moody itself, something everyone experiences and uses for small talk and something so mundane but also wonderful and unpredictable (unless you look at the forecast everyday, I mean it’s real easy to check on the phone widget but I don’t haha, as much as I talk about it I don’t worship the weather channel or anything lol) ^^ 

Oh also in relation to this, when I said I was going to write this blog a bit more like a diary, it made me think of a time when I was little and my mum bought me a diary book. It was a simple Winnie the Pooh diary with a gold lock and guess what I wrote in it hahahaha I wrote in huge writing on each page a 3-4 word sentence of how the weather was that day LOL It was super wasteful and my sis and mum were like what even?! XD I’ve had lots of diaries since then and lots of attempts at writing about actual things but I’ve never been able to keep it up past a few days. I just hope this blog doesn’t die out like my past diaries or become a brief weather description collection either hahaha. Today’s post title is kinda like a tribute or slightly more advanced version of my kiddie diary x3

Okay enough about that lol! One of the days recently I went to the park~! I did say I wanted to go and my sister suggested it. It was some time in the afternoon on a weekday so it wasn’t to busy. It was pleasant and refreshing to go walkies sine I hadn’t gone there for a while, even though I really really hate all kinds of bugs (and things that have bugs in them, like trees) and shriek and flail at their presence lol. I saw some pretty flowers, sat on the see saw with my sis briefly (which I was nervous about cuz there were kids around and well I’m not a kid anymore *sob* but I will always be a kid at heart and so will my sis, so I did it anyways! Yolo, gotta sit my but on all the things next time XD). I also saw the duckies! Or well I think they were actually geese but they were so pretty and derpy and their little floofy babies omg! ;w; Soooo cute!! I definitely want to go see them again sometime :D I’ve come to kind of dislike zoos (and aquariums too) because I feel so bad seeing some of them so distressed looking and it feels unfair that they have to live in such a contained and artificial space without choice, but when there’s wildlife living free like the duckies in the lake, it’s just such a pleasant thing to witness.

Oh also some good today was I cooked my own breakfast...kinda... It was just a fried egg with tuna in it pretty much and there was rice too (made in a rice cooker not by me lol) but I cooked the egg part! It takes so much convincing for me to be able to do just this. My mum and dad don’t like me hanging around the kitchen because ‘you’re too slow’ and ‘you’ll make a mess’ etc. I know they keep babying me and want things to go smoothly their way... but it needs to change! I don’t want to be dependant forever :c I was persistent this time and I’m glad! :D And I also suggested that maybe everyday I could maybe learn something new from them, whether it be just some small technique or a recipe or whatever. I am lacking in well... life skills because I was never taught or allowed to do certain things, like cooking for example. I can make something easy like instant ramen or pasta, but they usually handle all meals and don’t let me experiment or cook for reals. The only thing they really trust me with is making tea and sandwiches and the only time I cooked something from a recipe was cooking class at school a long time ago lol. Sometimes I help my sister bake stuff, but they get annoyed at her too for being in the way and stuff, but she isn’t a weak spirited person like me so she just carries on haha.

I can watch video tutorials all I want but it’ll never be useful without actual execution and practice, you know! >< My dad is a chef and is particularly prideful of his cooking, and also quick to insult and get annoyed for small mistakes, so it’s gonna be tough but I’m gonna try anyways! Lately I’ve been trying harder to just chat and bond with my dad more, we watch drama/animation series together at supper which is nice~! (Even though he feigns reluctance to watch and that he’s interested sometimes lol). Conversation is particularly hard because of the language barrier, but if I make the conversation about learning language like I did the other day and maybe now even about learning cooking stuff, then maybe things will go at a much better pace :D 

I also drew some things I was kind of happy about lately, and didn’t give up on trying to interact online even though I really wanted to! I need to get my stuff organised and start posting stuff! I feel like the longer I leave it, the less it’s making me wanna do it, stop it perfection, you’re unnecessary! x^x I really hate having an empty account, it makes me feel like a creep (like on youtube it’s okay but on other places it’s unusual, right?) ;^; Something I keep forgetting is that there is no rules and no obligations for me (or anyone else) to do anything or feel anything. There’s no right or wrong, silly self! I need to stop worrying so much and just go for it! Yolo the hell out of everything (maybe that’s not quite the right phrase lol) and just stop falling into the paralysis by analysis trap! X3 Imma try harder! ò^ó

Uh uhhh before I end this, I have some update-y stuff on my therapy situation... I have my first appointment tomorrow! I’m so nervous!! xAx The funny thing though (or well, not really), is that when my doctor was giving me options on who to see, I could either go for the general therapist who works in the same facility or to go for the referral service for a more specific recommendation. I opted for the second in hope that I could see someone with a specialism in idk... AVPD or personality disorders (if there is a such thing), but it seems I’ve ended up going full circle and ending up getting recommended to the general therapist back here >< I mean, at least it’s convenient and better than nothing I suppose... Anyways, I don’t know how it’ll go so I shouldn’t make any assumptions or have any wild expectations. I can do this! It’ll be okay! I’m glad I got a female therapist, because I get even more nervous around guys and the one I had in the past was ahhh idk... maybe I’ll write about it with whatever I write about after the app tomorrow. I just hope it goes well! 

Don’t give up! You can do it! Have a nice day~! :3

[sanguinesprout]

It’s now or never, let’s goooo~~!!  (aka. semi-serious, encouraging-ish intro post of sorts) ☆ [Repost 160417]

Hmm, alrighty *pretends to crack knuckles* let’s go lil fingers that are currently really cold, do your stuff! Just do it hurgh! ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

I’ve always wanted to make a blog, to just have a space of my own where I could just write out my feelings and post things of my own creation, but my gloomy little avoidant mind kept deciding it wasn’t such a good idea and prevented it from actually materialising. A blog like this is so common but in my mind it was such a big deal, something that could potentially end up going wrong somehow and cause me more anguish. Seeing other people being able to write freely made me feel sorrowful and envious of the courage they have. Ultimately I felt more and more pathetic and ashamed of myself for being so afraid of something so ordinary. This is just one example that shows the extent my avoidance and recently acknowledged paranoia (which I’m gonna totally kick the butt of!! ☆)

I decided a long while back that I no longer wanted to see things in a negative light, so now I try my best to see the good side of things and take inspiration from others instead of instantly feeling demoralised or inferior and it has proven to be much more motivational and uplifting ♡ There has literally been years and years of me desiring to do things with no actual action and I don’t want to put any of it off anymore. There just isn’t any reason to, and this goes for a lot of the things in my life too!

I created this account over a year ago and I spent a long time trying to encourage myself and give myself the time I needed to psych up to use it. It takes so much mental effort just to get myself moving, and only one small negative criticism or experience to have me falling back to square one again. My motivation levels always fluctuated because of my reoccurring fears and lack of confidence.  When I finally thought I was mentally prepared enough, it all plummeted into the depths of darkness due to the onslaught of old and new physical health problems. But I am stronger than I think and these things won’t hold me back anymore! I won’t be beat so easily, I can keep fighting hoohah!! ᕙ (;｀⊥ ＾★)┐

This isn’t my first attempt at a blog or tumblr account, in fact it’s my third one, the previous ones poofed when real life got too difficult and I lost the motivation try keep up with the fandoms which I sat awkwardly reblogging a few things from. Being in a fandom was nice to experience, but at the same time uncomfortable and anxiety inducing as I never felt like I could truly fit in. I didn’t want to impose the misery of my real life on anyone nor force myself even more to pretend to be okay when I wasn’t, so I chose to just disappear. This being the case on some other similar occasions also and is such an avoidant thing to do, but at the time it gave me some relief and I hoped to re-appear someday when I got better but it just... it didn’t happen and I eventually had to give up on that idea. I also kept thinking they would probably resent me and that it would be awkward because our common interest was lost because I fell behind. I worry that I was just being selfish and taking an easy but inconsiderate way out and feel very regretful but I guess it has also presented me with opportunities to try refocus myself and learn from my mistakes.

I've become very aware of the impact of my avoidant habits and paranoid behaviour even more in the recent years and naturally, as they are neither healthy nor beneficial, I wish to do away with them as much as possible. I’ve always had an inkling my irrational fears and thoughts were not just those of social anxiety and when I stumbled upon the existence of AVPD I had a total epiphany, much like many other people I’ve read about. Seeing how I wasn’t alone in how I felt is relieving but knowing they are also suffering so much is too painful of a realisation. I want to help them but I feel I can’t because I have trouble even helping myself and everything just hurts so much.

Someday... someday soon I will break out of my bubble of sorrow and I’ll scatter sunshine and sparkles over all these rain clouds and make rainbows appear instead, I believe in myself, I believe I can do it! ✧*。ヾ(｡･∀･｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。

That was pretty cheesy and random, my bad lol but so is this~ I came across the word ‘sanguine’ recently and it really stuck in my mind. It means ‘optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation’ (or can mean ‘blood red’ also lolol). That’s the kind of person I want to be or the mindset I want to have (not red coloured and ideally without the bad situations too but I guess it doesn’t quite fulfil its meaning then and well beggars can’t be choosers anyways haha~).

Anyways, I’m at the point in time where I see I need to change now or be forever regretful and continue to feel like a burden to myself and others around me. I want to break out of this unhealthy cycle and move forward with confidence. I feel like I’ve lost part of who I really am, after all these years of being unsure, pretending and restricting myself to conform to the idea that I had to be a certain way to be liked and to the demons in my mind telling me I’m worthless, undeserving and weird, because... I’m not! (ﾉ≧ڡ≦) ☆ ...well maybe I am kinda... pretty darn weird, but it’s okay to be different!

I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. I want my loved ones to not be worried, to see me move out of my slump, to have someone they can finally be proud of and someone who can help them when needed, because although they may have contributed towards my avoidant personality, I love them and I want to see them happy and stress free too.

Time is precious and although I feel I have wasted a lot of it with all of my inaction, frustration and failures, there is still time to make things right. I want to look to the future and enjoy life, because (as much as the phrase irked me initially, it’s been super useful and true) YOLO!! ☆ I mean maybe there is another life but who knows what I’ll be then. I don’t think I could accomplish much as a cucumber or a snail. (Ooh my! That gives me an idea for something artsy fartsy! :D)

Making small progress is much better than none at all, so I’m going to try hard to keep moving up, keep being positive, proactive and productive! (Look at all them p's alliteration whoooo~!! Someone give me a gold star lol, it feels like I’ve written an essay and it was actually a little less stressful than a real one too hurr :B)

I feel somewhat proud of myself that I’ve already made progress even though I may not have been recording it here. Seeing the benefits it’s had on my general health and mood is a nice feeling and my motivation levels are continuing to increase from knowing that I can really make a change. It’s the fear from irrational thoughts that prevent you from going ahead, but once you stop to take the time to rationalise them, you’ll feel much more assured and motivated. Never forget that every bit of progress no matter how small or insignificant it may seem deserves a pat on the back! Reinforce the good feelings and behaviour, not the bad! Even if it seems terrible now, there’s always tomorrow and there’s the great big future ahead to be looking forward to! C:

Avpd is so awkward, geez... I wouldn’t even wish AVPD on even my worst enemy (well AVPD is one of my worst enemies so it wouldn’t work anyways unless it’s that thing where two negatives cancel each other out and become a positive lol).

It’s so strange, sometimes when I write I can’t tell if I am writing like myself or someone else..? I think maybe because I don’t write often, I forget that I can write something other than jokey informal things (which is closer to how I talk). Talking and writing is different though, so I guess it makes sense yoooo~! I can’t spend too long being serious, it brings on those unwanted dreary and negative feels, I don’t want to feel melancholy anymore ._.

Before I started writing this post I wrote the about page for my blog and actually struggled with it quite a bit. One of my main goals is to just have the courage to just put myself out there and not feel ashamed, I really hope to get over this asap as it bothers me so much. It’s no exciting piece of literature of course but I’m happy I was able to do it and be satisfied with it. It was a load of incomprehensible waffling at first and I got sidetracked from writing the simple things I initially wanted to, but I edited the unnecessary parts away. It was nice to finally write a slice of my feelings down and something truthful about myself and at first it felt like a waste getting rid of some of it, but I think I’ll probably save those words for future creative inspo so that worked out okay too. I kept catching myself stepping into the negative thought zone, but I’m glad I noticed and removed it in the end because it was unneeded. That’ll teach mr.snarkypants negative mind not to mess with me! (╯°Д°）╯︵/(.□ . \)

I have lots of other things I want to write and say but I’ll save them for another time as this is getting much lengthier than I wanted it to be, but better out than in I guess, no one likes trapped thoughts or mind constipation amirite..? *crickets chirp*. By writing this, I managed to encourage myself a little more and even give myself some inspiration and creative direction, woot! I just need to keep it up! I won’t let myself be afraid to write about my fears anymore, I’ll rationalise all that is irrational and I’ll pour my true feelings into this blog, with a dash of silliness and rainbows ♡

Everything is easy in theory when just spoken or written, but I know it’ll be difficult to actually put in practice. There is still doubt and negativity lingering in my mind of course, but for now motivation for change is at the forefront. I feel as though maybe I’ve come across as naively optimistic here, but even if I don’t get the exact result I want, at least I tried and that in itself is a great improvement. I just don’t want to give up so easily this time, I don’t want to fall into the spiral of hopelessness I’ve entered many times before and I don’t want anyone else to either. Negativity will have no power over me anymore! (*｀皿´*ﾉ)ﾉ ⌒ ●~*

I spent way to long writing, re-reading and editing this, worrying about spelling/grammar when normally I don’t even grammar, I love engrish~! lol (selective perfectionism, if that’s a thing? If so, stop hassling me!). I also wonder if it’s disjointed and incoherent or if I come across as a bad or foolish person... I need to stop worrying so much over silly insignificant things too, like even where to put the read more cut was an overly arduous task and I still feel iffy about it, but just saw tumblr automatically cuts them to stop clutter lol. All in all I just hope my writing makes some sense, my brain was beginning to get cobwebs, so it was good to get the cogs moving again since I hadn’t sat down and written for so long heh. My attempts at being humorous, fancy and poetic need work though for sure haha~

If I don’t post this now, I’ll keep hesitating and back out, like I’ve always been doing, okay okay imma do it! *presses button with eyes closed and accidentally deletes it all* (huh damn my post didn’t showing up in the tags, must be cause I haven’t used this account properly yet... how anti-climatic, oh welp it’s not like I actually wanted someone to read this or anything, b-baka! orz)

To anyone that happens to come across this and actually read it and found it a little interesting or relatable, thank you and hopefully it’ll give a little insight into the type of blog this is and the oddity person that resides here~! If you didn’t read any of it and just think I’m a strange-ass alien, it’s okay too lol! But thanks for taking your time to look anyways~ ^^

I hope everyone can find the confidence and resolve to be themselves (if needed) and be happy! Keep going, you got this, you can do it! *hugs and sprinkles of optimism* *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊ ♡