#I’m sweating in ‘I’ve met this dev in real life and they just liked my embarrassing post’

[jorvikzelda]

there’s ANOTHER SSO DEV ON TUMBLR?

[make-it-mavis]

Sunflower

WiR fic (INTERNET AU) 2971 words Characters: Mavis, Red (friendly Turbo duplicate) Content warnings: Mentions of scars Premise: Mavis, having lived in the internet for a couple years, dances with a duplicate of Turbo, nicknamed "Red," and is shaken once more by how complicated their relationship is.

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Of all the websites that Mavis had been introduced to, Spotify was one of her favorites. Dance floors at least quadruple the size of Qix, with one for every album, every playlist, every song. She loved to hop playlists, spend just a few songs in one before zipping into another. She had never heard so many songs in her entire life, certainly more than she had heard over the radio at Litwak’s, and never with such clear sound quality. It felt unreal, like some impossible overindulgence. 

And then there was the more quaint, but still quite fun, way to experience the site. The admin of the PC where Red’s game and countless other games resided had their own private playlists. Sprites would regularly filter in and out, but once a week, there was a sort of community dance night. Those nights were cozy, and Red sure seemed to enjoy seeing everyone. So, Mavis regularly invited herself, and no one seemed to mind -- if she was a friend of Red, she might as well have been a friend of the community.

So, on a community night like any other, she was there.

The song playing was one Mavis had never heard before. Although the sound seemed to be coming from literally nowhere, the bass still rumbled in the floor, and the beat still bounced against Mavis’ heart. The lights were low, creating a sort of blue-green darkness that made the dancers seem as if they were weeds drifting together on the ocean floor. The air was warm, bordering on stuffy, from the number of bodies. But it put no damper on anyone’s spirits. Mavis was right where she wanted to be, right in the center of the action. Against the floor alight with glowing green panels, Mavis’ feet moved with the justified confidence of a lifelong performer, and her body followed suit. Sometimes sprites would stop and watch her, or even cheer her on, and the thrill from that was a nostalgic one. She had only recently learned to enjoy performing again.

Red had helped her with that.

The song ended to a number of cheers and whoops. Mavis, feeling like she could actually break a sweat, simply smiled and nodded to any nearby compliments while she caught her breath, even allowing someone a brisk high-five. Then the lights took on a tint that was more of a true, dreamy blue, and the floor changed color to match. A relaxed, shuffling beat began, and a smooth voice chimed in, beginning a song that really did sound like warm water to her.

She looked to the glowing green Spotify symbol up on the far wall to check the song, and she saw in white text beneath it, “Sunflower,” and in even smaller text beneath that, “Post Malone & Swae Lee”.

Although it was another song she did not recognize, she smirked a bit, even chuckled. “Sunflower” was one of her nicknames for the sunny and sweet guy who accompanied her that night. She figured it would be only right to dance with him to it, but when she looked around, she found that she had lost track of him. 

Quickly painting feathers on her heels, Mavis rose above the crowd for a better look, and found him near one of the side walls, chatting with his brothers. Well, that conversation could wait.

Hurrying a bit, she shot over to the trio, making them all jump. She greeted the twins, whose faces were almost as strange to see as their younger brother’s -- it had been thirty years since she saw her Turbo’s twin brothers, after all. It was also weird to see them not reply with scowls.

Red barely had a moment to ask her what was up before she seized him by the wrist, told him, “Get in here, Sunflower,” and pulled him back to the dancefloor, weaving through the crowd until they were in the middle again. Red looked a little disoriented, but Mavis nodded towards the song title on the wall. That put a smile on his face, and he laughed in the most unbearably sweet way as he took her hands in his. They began to groove together just as the first verse began.

“Needless to say, I keep in check She was a bad-bad, nevertheless Callin’ it quits, now, baby I’m a wreck Crash at my place, baby you’re a wreck…”

Nothing was particularly funny, but Mavis still found herself snickering. Red was a pretty good dancer, and it was at least evident that he enjoyed it. Mavis had no doubt that he would have told her that it was not about skill level, it was about having fun. Something she too had always believed when she had the luxury of it, regardless of how many times she made fun of others for being bad at things.

Still, she and Red really did seem to share a few beliefs. Mavis did not blame herself for not always being able to uphold hers, out of necessity. Life had tested her beliefs on more than one occasion. But looking at the cheerful boy dancing in front of her, she had to wonder -- had his ever been tested? Although he was so eager to help others, he never seemed to talk of his own pain.

“Needless to say, I keep in check She was a bad-bad, nevertheless Callin’ it quits, now, baby I’m a wreck Crash at my place, baby you’re a wreck…”

The flame under her belly began to dim just a bit as the usual thoughts crept into her head. Nothing would test his beliefs more than finding out the truth about her. Hearing about what she had been through, and what she had done because of it. If he knew how much blood was on her hands, he would never touch them. If he knew what all her scars and wounds were from -- her arm, her cheek, the notch in her ear, her half-missing finger, everything hidden by her clothes… he would be staggered.

He believed all of her lies without question. The fake sob stories she had spun to cover up the darker truth. Mavis had made a life off of lying, and it was all too easy to control a trusting heart.

Yet, still, somehow, lies aside… she seemed to admire that trusting heart.

“Thinkin’ in a bad way, losin’ your grip Screamin’ at my face, baby don’t trip Someone took a big L, don’t know how that felt Lookin’ at you sideways, party on tilt…”

Red seemed to notice her simmering down the tiniest bit. He stepped in an inch closer and ducked his head to give her an inquisitive look and a hopeful smile. She both loved and hated the way she could not help but smile back. Sometimes, when faced with his kindness, she dared to wonder if he might actually be kind enough to hear the truth and forgive her for it. But then her rational brain would kick in, and play out for her just what that confession would sound like:

‘Hey Red, what if I told you that I literally murdered an old man, a child, and a coworker, and also I only started hanging out with you because you look like the guy I loved for thirty years, and I’ve been lying to your face this entire time?’

...No. That would not go over well.

“Ooh-ooh, some things you just can’t refuse She wanna ride me like a cruise, and I’m not tryna lose…”

Still, from the way he looked at her, and the way he slid his hand up her arm to pull her in the tiniest bit closer, it was safe to say… he was not afraid of her, the way he saw her. What he saw, exactly, she could not have been sure. 

All she knew in that moment was that he so badly wanted to dance with her. And she wanted to dance with him.

So she would live in the moment. Rather, live in the song.

Obliging him, she moved right into his space. He held her waist, she held his arms, and as he smiled brightly, they fell into the flow of the watery blue light.

“Then you’re left in the dust Unless I stuck by ya You’re the sunflower I think your love would be too much...”

As she smirked at him, and she studied the way his eyes squinted at the edges with his smile, wondered, not for the first time, how he got to be so… genuinely good, in ways she never would have expected from a Turbo duplicate. Her Turbo was not a ‘good’ person, and neither was she. They were good in whatever way served them. That always seemed right. It seemed smart. The only way to really be happy.

But Red was inarguably a good, kind person through and through, and he sure seemed happy.

“Or you’ll be left in the dust Unless I stuck by ya You’re the sunflower You’re the sunflower…”

Kindness from the original Turbo was a tough thing to earn (for everyone other than herself). Felix was kind, but it was almost fearful at times, or stressed, like he was too tightly restrained by good manners. But with Red? His kindness was immediate. It was without fear or grudge. It was light, and warm, and easy to accept. Anyone who met him would easily say that kindness was just in his programming; it was the only way he knew how to be.

Mavis would have said differently.

It was not programming, it was not a set of unbreakable commands by the Devs. It was too real, too genuine for that. No, she believed that the thing that made him happiest was making others happy. He made the decision to be who he was. He deserved some credit for that.

When Red had shown her a documentary about flowers, it told of a bright, gold-petaled flower that always faced the sunlight. Red had done nothing but search for light and beauty since she met him. The connection was clear.

He was a walking, talking sunflower.

“Every time I’m leavin’ on ya You don’t make it easy, no Wish I could be there for ya Give me a reason to…”

Just then, Red took hold of her hands again, and twirled her around to dance close behind her. Her arms were crossed over her body, and she felt Red’s fingers lace into hers. Heart kicking up just a bit, but caught in the moment, Mavis leaned back into him just enough to feel his chest shifting against her back while she swayed. It was a sort of intimacy that she would not have granted to just anyone, but Red was exceptional, after all. He had been nothing but a friend to her since they crossed paths, and that was also not a title Mavis used lightly.

In all truth, it was utterly irresponsible of her to use it on Red.

There were times where she so desperately wished that she could have. She wanted to stay. She wanted to be his best friend, to grow closer, to see whatever parts of him he was hiding away. She wanted to understand how he could be so likable, so trusted by his community. It was a life she never quite had, even as Pyrite. But Red had welcomed her into a world where no one knew about her past. Maybe, with Red’s example, she could have turned over a new leaf, a little bit. Not all the way. But since coming to the internet, spending time with Red had been the first spark of life in the desolate ruins of her tired, old mind.

But that could not happen. In the end, she would have to leave. That was the only end to the story. The sooner, the better. The sooner, the kinder.

No matter how much fun she was having. No matter how happy she was. No matter how much she shivered at the proximity of his face bowing over her shoulder, no matter how familiar that demon-level heat felt behind her, no matter how good it felt to enjoy being touched again…

For once in her life, she had to do the right thing.

Just… not yet.

“Every time I’m walkin’ out I can hear you tellin’ me to turn around Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh…”

Mavis felt Red’s warm fingers slip out from between hers, and without realizing that she had turned, she found herself facing him again. And, just like that, he was all she could see. He was still smiling at her, but it had become gentler in a way, sort of lighter. His glowing eyes were now untouched by his smile, but they were soft, and full of distinct admiration, even adoration.

Conflict stirred in Mavis’ belly. So much of what Red saw when he looked at her like that was a lie. His admiration was misplaced, pointed so far away from his beautiful, perfect world. Mavis was not admirable to sprites like Red. 

But he knew some of her, and that seemed to be enough to dazzle him. She could see it in his face when she performed, or took crazy risks, or left a whole room laughing. She had to admit that being looked at with such genuine, accepting affection felt pretty good, even if it was misguided. It had just been so long. The last sprite to ever look at her like that was…

...Red really was a spitting image of Turbo.

She was told that was just how duplicates worked, but Red was the first duplicate she ever met. He was exactly Turbo, only… his hair was shorter and cleaner… his skin was smoother and healthier… and his eyes were relaxed and trusting. Mavis had to wonder if Red was just a model of what Turbo might have looked like if he had not been plugged into a crushing arcade life. If he had ever truly been free of the way that world laid waste to his mind, the same way it did hers.

But she was the one who lived to escape that world. It should have been both of them.

Mavis’ heart ached deeply at the reminder. 

“I know you’re scared of the unknown…”

Red must have noticed a change in her, because his expression only softened further, and the adoration turned… sad, somehow. Like there were things he wanted to say, but knew it was not the time or place. He hesitated, stroking her hands with his thumbs. Then she felt his hand slide gently up her forearm, completely unafraid of the rows of scars, oblivious to the ghosts of tragedy that haunted them. He pulled her a bit closer, carefully.

“You don’t wanna be alone…”

Mavis was nearly motionless. The ache in her heart had spread its roots all through her body, and she was quite nearly consumed by grief, right there on the dance floor. All she could do was look at Red, and how he was a living, breathing image of the one she lost. She missed him so wretchedly much, and here he was… almost. Red was so, so close to the root of her heartache.

“I know I always come and go…”

Red brought his hand up slowly to cup her cheek, and he brushed his thumb over the raised scar there. Mavis’ heart just pulsed with thick, hot sludge. She was drowning in him. Drowning in all the things he was doing, and how they were all the things she missed. The way his forehead touched hers, and the warmth of his flushed face glowing on hers. Being so close to his eyes that she could see the deep red irises in them. Watching them close as he tilted her head up, tasting that hint of sugar on his breath, and he was so close, and it was happening, and she could relive it all, if she just gave in, if she just let him kiss her…

“But it’s out of my control…”

NO!

With a brisk shove, Mavis freed herself. She did not stop to look at Red’s reaction before pushing and weaving her way through the crowd in a hurry. Her chest was burning, and her head was spinning. She had just come so close to blowing it, and it terrified her how easy it was. How much she liked it.

She emerged from the crowd as a frantic, emotional mess, and Red’s brothers were right where she left them, to her dismay. Mavis paused for only a moment to look at them, and they straightened up at the sight of her. Over the music, she heard Red call her name in pursuit of her.

But she could not bring herself to reply, even though she wanted to. She wanted so badly to apologize to him, and to his brothers. And she would later, make no mistake, she would come up with some adequate explanation and apologize sincerely, but just not yet. Not while she was so angry with herself.

She could not use Red to fill in the gaps that Turbo left in her life. She could not do that to Turbo’s memory. She could not do that to herself, not when she was already bound to lose him.

And she absolutely could not do that to Red.

Trembling down to her bones, fighting tears starting to brim, and without so much as a glance back, she rushed into the glowing, green exit portal, leaving the previously wonderful party behind.

“And you’ll be left in the dust Unless I stuck by ya You’re the sunflower I think your love would be too much…”

[stuprosu]

september 23rd, 2018 12:08 AM

in my last entry, i said that i would not type up another until i had confronted my mother. 

well. over a year later, and here we are. my mother has been confronted, but not by me. i would like to attempt to do an overview of my life the past year. 

a warning. i am in emotional states all the time. if my thoughts dwell on my family members that i miss or events that enrage me, i bring myself to tears within seconds and my head aches and i cannot focus much these days. my depression is at its height but by some fucking miracle i didn’t relapse. i didn’t. i also didn’t have the means as the box cutter disappeared.

i will try to remember the details. i found out recently that untreated mental illness literally erodes away your physical brain and memory. so. forgive me. 

[aug 2017] my birthday passes by with a quiet birthday. we had taken my brother down to his school in hollister. my mom came with us and everybody was uncomfortable. my mother made a scene, asking my father if it was okay to eat the food that came with our air b&b. she was pathetic. i ignored her and shut her out this entire time. the brakes went out in my dad’s yukon. what would have been a fun trip is now spent fixing the yukon and sweating in the car. this trip marks the end of the close relationship i had with my brother for nearly all my life. we’re still close but i see him every three months for a few days at most. this wears on my soul and brings me to tears now. i miss him so god damn much, all the time. anyways. mom moves to atchison. toby goes back and forth each week despite his desire to live with my dad all the time. my mom doesn’t care, doesn’t get a job, can still to this day never pay for anything, such as gas or food for her own son, and constantly pawns my brother off on my father. my littlest brother is 13, now 14, and is still subject to all that. 

[sept 2017] i move into the dorms pretty much by myself. i think my dad brought up my minifridge, but it was sophomore year and no big deal. no one else really said anything, no one else being my extended family. i expect their silence constantly and nothing else except for when it’s “important”. you know, christmas, birthdays, baby showers, all that sort of bullshit. anyways, i start classes and i actually make a ton of new friends in my biology and chemistry classes. amanda, maggie, dev, trent, carter, mackenzie, aaron, all the katies. through them? ameen, meg, brendan, kady. it’s really wonderful. i have a good community. classes are fine. i go home for toby’s homecoming. mom has become the master narcissistic manipulator that she is and is trying to warp everybody’s image of my father and me. she does so within the small, close-minded community we’re from. friends of my family, people i’ve known for years, people i haven’t had conversations with for years, block me on facebook, on all social media. it’s really awful. at homecoming, my mother carpools with us while spouting all that bullshit on facebook and actively shitalking my father. i know that homecoming is going to be fighting between my mother and father. we don’t even make the 10 minute drive to the school before they start in. they begin yelling. oh, i forgot to mention. i told my father about the men my mother had been sexting on facebook with the help of my sister. so my dad knows. he brought those men up. my mom laughs hysterically asks my dad how he knew. he doesn’t respond. my mom asks why my father isn’t stepping up and giving her gas and food money like he should. i ask her why she doesn’t get a job if she’s able to walk 12 miles a day like her facebook posts say she can? my mom scoffs and says, “so you’ve got her on your side too, huh? telling her lies?” this pisses me off as i’m 19 years old at this point, fully capable of thinking, and tell my mom this. i tell her she doesn’t have her family anymore. she tells me thanks and walks away. my mother asks my father to walk with her later on. i tell my sister and cousins the deep gossip. they send their condolences. it’s petty thinking back on it. 

[oct 2017] nothing much happens. i get along fine with my roommate. classes are fine. mom is spouting shit and i just get angrier and angrier. she walks over everybody. all my mom’s family isn’t talking to her. my sister and i bond over the salt. 

[nov 2017] pretty much the same. my cousin has the first grandbaby. she’s cute and i love her and her name is kyah. my cousin salts with me. no one lets my mom know of the baby’s birth until a facebook post a few hours later. pisses my mom off. haha. i think it was around november that a leak sprung up in my room and i was moved. the girl i moved in with is named erin. she’s incredibly rad and understands me pretty deeply. both equal parts oversharing and similar past experiences and we became very important to each other very quickly. i’m also still angry and emotionally distraught all the time and erin helped. she genuinely makes me laugh and was a pillar of support. she knew intricate details better than marissa does. she is easier to talk to than marissa. isn’t that wild? 

[dec 2017] garryck comes for christmas. i am still working. i do good in classes. i have a crush on my friend carter in my chemistry class but nothing happened with that and i’m at the point where i just appreciate the aesthetic and his personality yknow. anyways. we have christmas with my mom’s family but don’t invite my mom. shitty, yeah? who the fuck cares. i am able to tell erin about all this in full detail. i have never been so fully understood by another person outside of my family. it’s really incredible. 

[jan 2018] nothing really happens. normal month, normal me, whomst this. nah, i’m still angry all the fucking time. every little thing sets me off. it all stems from my mother and what she is still actively doing, besmirching my father and i. it’s awful awful awful shit. 

[feb 2018] something of importance happens. those first few months, i was always able to rely on my mom’s side of the family to vent and shit and i still am, but not with my sister. my sister got pregnant in december and february was when the prospect of having a child really got to her. and she didn’t want to do it alone. she didn’t want to do it without my mom. so my sister really, really pressured me into making up with my mom, to sweep everything away, to rewire my brain and change my chemical makeup and forget all my god fucking awful memories and somehow muster up the strength to speak to my mother without wanting to deck her. it doesn’t work. the kid won’t bring us together. spoiler: he doesn’t. my sister stops talking to me. she is easily manipulated. she beings believing the shit my mom says about my dad, her stepfather. it’s all shit. 

i think this went down in february. my memory is foggy. erin meets my friends and there’s awkwardness. erin occasionally makes me uncomfortable. she made them uncomfortable. i have to talk to her all the time. i have to compose myself all the time and be around her all the time and. and i dont think i could take it. i’m a really awful person, you know? i have been this past year. anger and malice has been eating away at me for so long and i am so tired. so... i switched rooms without telling erin why. she asked and asked and pestered and insulted until i finally laid it out. she apologized. she said she would change. she said she didn’t realize. she said she was sorry and sorry and sorry. i left her on read for six months. i ignored her in between classes and at meals. i became a real fucking asshole. i cut off one of my closest friends. 

[march 2018] the shit with toby goes down. i won’t bother logging it here. buchanan county courthouse already has. but it puts a strain on things. mom wants to move back to kansas kansas. like the shawnee mission area. dad does too. dad wants to leave rushville and missouri. they begin arguing about schools. mom wants wellsville, a hick town of hick people and hick classes and hick education, the worst. my dad wants a normal functioning school where toby can be a normal non-hick. so does literally everyone, even my mom’s friends. my dad gets laid off. he is struggling to make ends meet. 

[april 2018] my dad begins talk to me about rehoming my dogs and our cats. the thought really fucking tears at my heart. he wants to leave rushville so bad and go back to his friends and his life before my mom, before everything went to shit for him. i could not imagine being my father and living in that house all completely by myself. the house that held my family of 5 people, two dogs, three cats, birds, fish, loud, furniture everywhere, home everywhere, music everywhere. his family. everywhere. and that house without my brothers and me and mom became a husk. a ghost of his life when it was bad but it was full and it was full of life and it was full of his children and their voices and their music and god do i fucking miss it so fucking much i miss that so fucking much and i can’t spend my nights alone without thinking about things used to be and i miss everything so much i miss everyone so much. i was so afraid of my father killing himself after being laid off and facing massive amounts of debt that he called his father, whom he hadn’t spoken to in nineteen years, for help, only to be met with silence. he didn’t though. he had three children who loved him so fucking much and relied on him for everything and everything was him and he was everything and is everything to me and there’s no one on this godforsaken planet that i love more than my father. while untreated, my life would end with his. i think he knew that. i was so afraid of my mother killing herself because that would be completely and totally my fault but how could i prevent that? i need to turn off the smiths right now. 

i need to breathe. i need to ground myself. i need to remember it is going to be okay. april was okay. nothing happened major.

[may 2018] nothing happens here. school ends. dad has been hanging out with his friends, one of them being amy and her family. oh, my mom through all of this has been disagreeing to settlements and therefore heavily delaying the actual divorce and has been doing that since sept 2017. my parents didn’t get officially divorced until aug 2018. that’s how much of a cunt she is. my dad’s two greatest friends are amy and marilee. they’re really really really wonderful women who help my dad and help me and family and i don’t know them that well but they’d do anything for my brothers and me. they’re true friends, good kind souls that fill this world. amy is also going through a divorce. my dad and her bond over that. but they don’t see each other. they don’t date, despite my mom’s best efforts to convince the world they’ve been having a 12 year long affair and amy’s youngest is actually my dad’s. oh well, haha. my mom’s a dumb petty bitch. anyways. we go to amy’s mom’s lakehouse and have a really good time swimming in the water. garryck comes up from school for a few weeks and brings his friends and it’s all a really wonderful time and we spend weekends out there and amy’s mom nancy is a wonderful woman and everything is great. 

[june 2018] summer is still great. i work all the time. i move into an apartment in saint joseph with my friends kady and ashleigh. everything is good. we split it. jyro moves with me. everything is really great and nice. the summer is nice. i don’t hear much above my mom. living on my own, it was like. yknow. The Milestone. The last one that separated me from my adolescence. i see my dad about every two weeks on the weekends i don’t work. it is a good routine and it really really messes with me if i don’t see them at least every two weeks. i can see the damage to my mental state. it gets the worst right before i go and visit them, when it’s been the longest. i just love sitting and  chatting with my papa. i feel like it makes me whole, complete, recharged and energized. i love him so much. the summer is bliss. the summer is great. i pay rent and become and adult and bills and everything is good. 

[july 2018] my mother moves to wellsville and moves in with a guy down there, so the dumb bitch loses her alimony lmaooo. however this means there is now an hour and something odd drive between my mother and father’s house, where toby must be transported. my mother can’t even afford her phone bill, so there’s no way she can afford the gas for this. of course, my father transports him, because he’s working odd jobs constantly and stressed about not being able to find a job and i get that second hand anxiety because i want him to be okay and i want to live an easy life without stress and he can’t do that with my leeching mother. breathes. anyways. she moves toby down there without telling him that doesn’t go well and that pisses me off royally and everything is rough for a few moments. i don’t ever talk to my mom. i block her on facebook. i think my sister’s baby shower is this month. i spend the days prior with my aunts and cousins helping set up. i was also sick and pretty useless. anyways, we salt about my mom because she’s not communicated about shit and everyone is upset with her and not talking to her so i’m just drinking the tea at this point in time.  baby shower is fine, sister is exasperated with lack of a relationship with my mom, the thing goes fine, whatever. nothing really else happens in july. i bought my dad a hat for his birthday. 

[august 2018] wooooooooooo birthday month. also a really awful month. my brother went back to school. my dad rehomed both my dogs to new homes, but at least they’re together. that was really really really really really rough and i miss those pups so fucking much and i am so angry at the situation at everything at everything at everything i miss my dogs. i had to rehome my ferrets. i did that by myself. a rescue in liberty took them. i miss those fuckers so much. but they’re in a better place. my dad also rehomed our two other cats. i did not get to say goodbye. i don’t know where they went and i can’t visit them like i can the dogs. it really really gets to me sometimes, thinking i was so important in their lives and now i’m gone. i got a card from work for my birthday. marissa and ashleigh took me out to dinner. some cards and a bunch of facebook posts. school starts back up. i see my old college friends that i genuinely miss. i see erin in one of my classes and i realize how much i miss her, but she looks at me with so much resentment. i fucked up so bad. but i missed her and i needed. well i wanted our friendship back. it wouldn’t be the same, no, but god do i  need all the help i can get traversing my fucked up life. so i sent her this long ass message, explaining myself, my mistakes, why i fucked up, why i was so immature, why i was a total asshole for no reason. she took me back and i am so happy. our friendship is so good again. i love having her back and i think about the good things in my life like that a lot. toby started at wellsville, much to everyone’s chagrin. my sister has her baby. his name is bentley. he is very cute and i love him. my sister does not talk to me or my dad as much. i think she is slowly cutting us away. i try not to think about it.

[sept 2018] my dad did get a new job and apartment actually in august but i’ve already typed this and ya bitch lazy. hence all the rehoming. he gets health insurance october first. i am so ready to go to the doctor again and get my thyroid and my depression treated. i don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood anymore and it is scaring me and i think my depression is causing it. though i am not a doctor. this boy sam is talking to me and goes to my uni but we haven’t met in person, though i think he likes me. i am not sure. 

life is okay right now. i am sitting in my dad’s apartment waiting for him to get off work at 2am. i have been watching rick and morty and shitty teenage romcoms all day. i am really exhausted right now but i’m waiting for him. i hope things get better for me. they’re okay right now. i am going to see the national october 7th. i saw modest mouse back in may. that was really fantastic. i don’t have to retake chemistry 120. i have my cat. my monstera has new growth. halloween is soon. there are a lot of good things right now. i just heard matt’s “hey baby” in nobody else will be there. what else do i need right now?

hopefully i’m treated soon and will keep up with this better

xox lex