#I’m still fighting myself every day to just eat one meal

[ethereal-bumble-bee]

ATTENTION- Did you eat today? If not- you should!

(in all seriousness, eating is important, even if it’s just something small like an apple please make sure you’re eating!!! I love you all sm, you deserve to be well-fed and healthy 💙)

[ivymarquis]

Say You Won’t Let Go

No good deed goes unpunished

Pairing| John Price x F!Single Mom!Reader Rating| E Word Count| 2.1k Kinks/Content/Warnings| Zombie apocalypse (I like how I lied to both myself and y’all that there was ever gonna be a chance of it being another type of apocalypse), both John and Love are a little crazy which is to be expected re: zombie!au, more nausea, more pregnancy related discourse, zombie world building and the ramifications/implications of being pregnant in the apocalypse, the author is currently having A Thing about pepperoncinis, strong hints to the events that lead to Love being abandoned, etc etc etc

First/Previous Chapter Here | Next Chapter

Captain John Price of the SAS, it seems, has decided to keep you.

As a child your neighbors had an Australian Cattle Dog.

He reminds you of that dog. Keyed in on your every move, herding you about as he sees fit throughout the day.

Gets irritated just like that dog used to, if he finds you somewhere he thinks you shouldn’t be.

Being alone with a man you do not know goes against everything you were taught growing up. You, however, are not exactly spoiled for choice where company is concerned and are in no position to bite the hand willing to feed you. Especially when the hand in question hasn’t done anything untoward.

John provides security and stability, even if he fusses at you incessantly.

“Need to be eating more than that.”

Objectively you know he’s correct, but there’s fuck all to be done about it.

“I can’t. I’ll throw up.”

You learn the nausea card will stay his hand, not that you’re even overplaying it. The child you’re carrying likes to alternate between sitting on your bladder and your stomach between bouts of playing soccer with your ribcage. Not exactly making it easy on you to get (or keep down) the food you need to grow a liver or a pair of lungs, or whatever it is that you’re cooking in the final stretch of your pregnancy.

For the most part he leaves you be about the food if he sees you picking at something over the duration of the day.

You circle each other cautiously; circumstance and loneliness making you unwilling to avoid him, but also still having the good sense to be aware you’re dealing with a stranger for less than a full day.

He’s brash, obviously used to getting his way. You don’t know a ton about the military and can only assume that it comes with the territory. He’s used to barking orders and commanding a space. You’re not exactly in a position to buck against his hand- and it’s not like you really want to, anyway.

He gives you first pick of the food, your cravings deciding your meal for you.

Cravings in an apocalypse blow, by the way. It’s not like you can get the tandoori chicken from your favorite Indian place at 2 am just because the mood strikes.

“I would kill for a jar of pepperoncinis,” you mumble, mostly to yourself one night as you pick at your dinner. God you could fuck a jar of them up with how your mouth is watering just at the thought of them.

In fact, had the world not gone to hell in a handbasket you’d probably be doing something cruel and inhumane to a pile of them. Like dipping them into nutella. Wasn’t one of the joys of pregnancy appeasing your cravings with absolutely abominable food combinations?

You’re not exactly in fight or flight at this exact moment, but you are in survival mode. No luxury of door dashing random items.

“How much longer do you think you’ve got?” The captain asks one night over dinner.

“I’m not sure. I think any day now at this point.”

You feel like you’re all belly, something that’s compounded by his follow up question of “Only got the one in there?” which is honestly fair.

“Yes. The midwife said he just has an Olympic sized swimming pool to float around in.”

“Midwife would be handy to have given your state.”

The question is buried between the lines. Why are you here and not with her?

“She’s dead.”

That’s what started this whole mess, isn’t it? It’s not your fault she’s dead but her absence was the catalyst of your group abandoning you.

He pauses his own meal, looking at you momentarily. “Sorry to hear that.”

You don’t know what to say in reply.

It feels disingenuous to pretend her death impacted you more than it actually did. While you two had spent more time together as your pregnancy progressed, the conversations had stayed staunchly about the baby and changes to your body.

You weren’t friends. But she was kind and compassionate and seemed knowledgeable about what was happening to you.

It does make you nervous, though. Women have had babies unassisted for millenium, but women have also died in childbirth since the dawn of time. Certain cultures regarded a successful birth in the same vein as warriors returning home from battle.

Since he asked- in a roundabout way- about your group, you feel bold enough to ask about his.

“How’d you get separated from your group?”

“Got caught with our trousers down by a herd wandering through this area. We were overwhelmed and I ended up going through a window. Did a number on my leg, that seems to finally be healing.”

Herds is such a funny way to describe a roaming group of the undead.

Herds usually contain deer, or horses, or sheep. Something soft and doe eyed that you can pet. Something that has teeth, yes, but typically not interested in hurting you.

Packs would be the better descriptor in your opinion- but then no one had asked you, had they?

“Do you think they’re still in the area?”

“Not if they’ve got any fucking sense,” he grouses. “There’s a group of survivors up north we’ve been taking care of. Safe zone so to speak- about as safe as anything can be, at least. Came down for supplies as the area looked clear, but the truck broke down. Herd came through and mucked everything up.”

The prospect of another community- a safe zone- enraptures you.

You’re not stupid, even if a lapse of judgment and a too long dry spell breaking has landed you in your current predicament. You understand that you’re a bit of a ticking time bomb.

You live in a world where safety is no longer a guarantee. That too much noise, and too much attention drawn can be a death sentence.

So having a baby is a far riskier move these days than it was in the past. There’s so much that can go wrong. You can’t tell a baby to be quiet because a herd is passing through and if any of them hear, then you’ve signed everyone’s death warrant.

And that’s if you and your child don’t die in labor.

So you were understandably devastated but yielded to the group consensus to leave you behind.

But a safe zone?

You’ve been floating around in limbo since parting from your group. Understanding that your death is written on the walls, but unwilling to lay down and die without trying.

You feel something akin to hope fluttering in your belly- that maybe you and your child will survive. That there’s not a blade waiting to descend on you when your water breaks.

“Can you take me there? Are you trying to go back?”

John regards you for a moment, and you try to not squirm in apprehension.

“Would be a whole lot easier if I had a working vehicle,” he states. “Between my leg and your,” he pauses, spearing a bite of his food and making a vague gesture at you as he chews, “current condition, walking that far isn’t a good idea.”

Right. Because you’re a ticking time bomb who might pop in the next hour, next week, or next day and there’s absolutely no way to know until it happens. Hence why you were trolling through a neighborhood looking for somewhere safe to bed down until you have your baby.

Talk about caught with your pants down if your water breaks trying to traverse a substantial distance. But then traveling with a newborn puts another target on your back, doesn’t it? How long until you’re comfortable with how fussy your baby is and you become confident you can read his cues? That’s a hell of a dice to roll.

“If I can find a working radio I can call my team. Or something I can drive.”

“I’m good with tech,” you volunteer. “Even if the radio doesn’t work- maybe I can make it work.”

You’ve always been someone who takes pride in your work, but working in tech in a post-collapse society has rendered your knowledge useless when traveling with a nomadic group just trying to make things work day by day.

So you’ve been feeling like a bit of a lame duck lately, even though you know logically that’s not being particularly fair to your circumstances. You’ve been forced to learn more pragmatic skills (at least, for the zombie apocalypse) but having to learn them on the fly with threats constantly looming over you doesn’t exactly provide a safe place to fail while you get over a learning curve.

Obviously close combat isn’t ideal in your situation. Guns draw too much attention with the noise. Maybe you can find a bow and practice with it.

So you jump at the opportunity to show that you might be able to pull your own weight. That you’re more than a fragile time bomb waiting for the counter to hit zero.

“I’ll keep that in mind if I find a broken one, then,” he appeases, although you can’t get enough of a read on him to know if he’s just placating you.

It’s a bit after dinner and the sun setting that John decides it’s time to herd you up to bed. “Right then, time to get you back upstairs.”

It’s only been two days now but it doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s got a thing about you and the stairs.

Someone like him is likely used to preparing for the worst case scenario in every situation. Lord knows what sort of horrors he’s thought up of you losing your balance going up or down, but he’d chewed on you pretty good earlier in the day when you’d tried to go up them without him to get something out of your bag.

Lesson learned- no traversing the stairs unattended.

Given that you are perpetually exhausted at this point, you can’t see the value in arguing that you don’t need your sleep schedule dictated to you. Left to your own devices you likely would have begun nodding off on the couch.

Even with your group, while there’d be assigned watch times, there wasn’t an enforced bedtime. Everyone’s adults- you were expected to handle your shit and be ready to move when it’s time to go.

So you nod along and let him guide you up.

John is magnanimous about the resources in the house, letting you be uncontested for the bathroom upstairs. You don’t understand how plumbing works but you can’t even bring yourself to complain about the cold water as you clean yourself.

There is a chair in “your” room, and the first night you placed it under the doorknob so that should John get any suspicious ideas, at least you’d be awake for your grizzy demise.

The doorknob never so much as turned, and you’ve been at his mercy long enough you decide if he was going to do anything unhinged, he’d have done it by now.

You are snuggled into your bed- which might as well be a luxurious thing with a 600 thread count for all you can care right now, even though it’s most assuredly not- and hear the sound of John’s door closing across the hall, and are out like a light before you can even process the noise and assume that he’s down for the count for tonight just like you are.

Come morning- after you’re finished in the bathroom and are greeted in the hall by John waiting for you- you realize that John was not squirreled away in his own room last night. He leads you down the stairs- insists on being between you and the bottom of the stairwell.

There’s a jar of pepperoncini peppers, a container of prenatal vitamins, and a pack of preggie pops which claims to be a pregnancy safe anti nausea candy.

The logical side of your brain should be floored that this veritable stranger has paid more attention to your needs (and yes you’re going to go ahead and count the pepperoncinis down as a need) in a day and a half than certain exes had during the entire run of your relationships with them.

A thank you would be appropriate given the situation.

Unfortunately, however, your hormone addled “I've been fending for myself after being abandoned, and I'm still emotionally fried” brain has been the one calling the shots lately, so instead what comes out is “You left me last night.”

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

In Love and War

Summary: A warlord!Rhys x Tamlin's sister!Reader AU where Hybern won the War centuries ago, ravishing Prythian and leaving the splintered Courts as nothing more than pockets of travelling war bands. Based loosely on the vibes from War by Laura Thalassa.

Content Warnings: (Each chapter will be tagged accordingly for violence, drinking, and Eventual smut) Canon typical violence, Rhys leans heavily into morally gray, kidnapping.

Author's Note: Trying something new with a first person POV, let me know what you think :)

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“Don’t come back unless you’ve brought food.”

It’s been days since that order, the rumble of my stomach the only indicator of passing time. The changing forests, the dying grasslands, the marshes, it’s all been a disappointing blur. All my traps are empty and untouched, some frozen in place as winter approaches. My father used to tell me stories of the Courts, how they were ruled by High Lords with the power to keep perpetual seasons. That was before the War, before Hybern and his General Amarantha ruined everything with the Cauldron, all for some human slaves. Father had liked to talk about the “good ole days” every night around the fire; he could spin pretty tales for hours, but that’s all they are these days. Stories. And stories don’t keep your stomach full.

I trail the deer through a stinking muck of a bog, mud and slimy water seeping in through the holes in my boots. The sludge is bone chilling, my hands shaking around my bow; teeth chattering so loud I have to clamp my mouth shut to avoid making too much noise. I need this kill and I need it fast. 

The deer stops to eat a bit of moss and I take a few more careful steps forward to get a better vantage point, cautious of where the ground sinks deeper beneath the murky water. Slipping and twisting an ankle in this mud would be dangerous, but it’s not an injury that makes my steps cautious. There are plenty of kelpie around these parts, I feel their beady little eyes watching me under the cover of a quickly approaching fog. All I need is one misstep and those spindly, webbed hands will drag me under for a quick meal.

Better a kelpie than the Highway Men I’d managed to dodge getting this far out of my brother’s territory, I suppose, but I’d rather avoid both of them if possible.

Once I’m sure of my footing, I notch an arrow to my bow. This is not the ideal place to kill it, but the rumbling of my stomach might just be too damn loud to give me another chance if I wait for it to pass out of the bog. How many days has it been since my last meal? Four? Five?

I pull the arrow back, the weathered feathers brushing my hollow cheek. 

The deer’s head jerks up, ears turning to listen to something beyond the fog and I hold my breath. The ground beneath my boots begins to rumble and the deer bolts before I can take the shot, disappearing into the gloom. A loss to mourn later, because that rumbling can only mean one thing: Horses, and a lot of them, moving right in my direction. 

I slide my bow over my shoulder and run back the way I’d come, mud sucking at my every step, slowing my progress as I try to get back to the treeline at the edge of the bog. The wet land is covered in dead and living trees alike, some as old as time, still reaching towards the sun like the ruined hands of a corpse, some fighting its inevitable demise. It’s too cold these days for the living to still have leaves, so even if I wanted to stop and climb one, I’d have no place to hide. I might as well stand there and wave my arms and alert every horseman to my location.

Still, the branches are helpful for leverage, and I grab onto the low ones and haul myself along, hoping to find shelter higher up the basin’s edge, where the water has not claimed as much. There’s plenty of underbrush there to shield me. 

The first horse appears through the fog, dark as a shadow, it’s echoing whinny chilling in the previous silence. A hooded rider sits atop the giant animal, a giant sword sheathed between his massive shoulders. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” I hiss to no one as I crouch the best I can in the open air. 

There are many warbands in Prythian these days. Some are Hybern’s men. Some Amarantha’s. The rest are what remains of the Courts. Those of us with enough magic to prove useful have been known to swear fealty and garner protection from them, but that means you get the privilege of fighting and dying for those entitled pricks who think they are owed the land their ancestors once ruled. From this far, I can’t tell who’s colors they bear, but without the, usually oppressive presence, of my brother’s own men I’m not likely to have a safe encounter. Better to wait it out and let them pass.

The first rider doesn’t see me through the fog, a small blessing that I take full advantage of by inching forward. The treeline is so close. If I am lucky, if the Mother is still out there listening and looking out for me, I can hunker down and wait.

A second rider appears through the fog, faster than the first, racing along the bog’s edge until it makes it over the ledge of the basin and disappears. The cry of their horses sound like ghosts howling in the wind. A third and fourth rider follow. I can hear even more of them, the rumble of their caravan making the ground shake, but no more appear as the fog thickens. 

A shiver runs down my spine, but still, I press forward. I’ve dodged plenty of males like this in the past, I can do the same now. I just need to be smart. And lucky.

Neither of which I am, apparently. As soon as my boots touch more solid ground, another horse appears, this time, from within the safety of the treeline I’d been so desperate to get to. The rider atop this one is as large as the first, face completely obscured by a black hood with three stars perfectly poised over his forehead, the bottom two falling where his eyes should be. 

I freeze, mind reeling back to a time years ago, when those stars had come bursting through camp, only bloodshed and destruction behind them. My hands shake at my sides as I slide backwards into the muck, slipping, barely maintaining my balance as the midnight black horse rears, hooves pawing at the air. I’d heard that terrifying whiny before too, right before my father’s head rolled out of his tent. 

My stomach rolls, bile rising in the back of my throat. This can’t be happening to me! They promised to stay away.

The rider gets his horse under control, large, gloved hands yanking hard on the reins, deep voice barking orders in the language I know belongs to the mountain men in Illyria, but had never been permitted to learn myself.

My heart hammers in my chest as I get back on my feet, head whipping back and forth trying to find a way out.  

“What’s your business here?” The rider demands, voice deep, gruff, muffled by a scarf over the lower half of his face.

“My own,” I snarl, reaching for the hunting knife at my hip. This is no one’s claimed territory, save for maybe the kelpie I hear skimming the surface at my back, I have every right to hunt here as anyone. “Now let me pass and I’ll be on my way.”

The rider swings out of the saddle and the ground shakes as his boots touch the ground. A dark mist leaks from his shoulders, shadows swirling around the sword hilt peeking out from between his shoulders and… I’d been mistaken about his size, it wasn’t just his shoulders, it was a pair of wings. Wings that had been tucked tight while he was  riding but now stretch out behind him, the leathery membrane pitted and scarred from years of battle. If I’d had doubts about who this was before, I don't now. Though I’d only seen him in glimpses that night, Tamlin had talked enough about the rival warlord over the years for me to be able to put two and two together.

A lump forms in my throat. Rhysand is even taller up close, the top of my head barely coming up to his chin. “I have nothing of value.” I’m not wearing our colors, I’m not sure if they would have helped or hindered me here, but my best bet is to just play dumb.

From the incline of his head it looks like he’s eyeing my knife, but I can’t be certain. There is some kind of enchantment over his hood, obscuring his face from view. “What’s your name?” 

“No business of yours,” I retort, tightening my grip on the knife. 

“So hostile,” he purrs. “I mean no harm.”

“Says the male with the sword.”

“If I wanted to hurt you, I would have.”

“I’m flattered,” I drawl. “How kind of you to deem me worth a modicum of decency as you block my exit.”

He takes a step forward and I take a step back, right to the edge of the water, where that damn creature hisses out a chuckle, knife poised and ready between us. He’s not wearing armor, a well placed blow could still kill him, I want him to think twice before moving any closer. Though, I suppose I must not look that imposing, considering our size difference and the sheer amount of muscle underneath that dark cloak. 

He sizes me up silently for a moment, hooded head intently fixed on the hand gripping the knife. Then, with speed enhanced even for High Fae, he’s reaching forward and grabbing my wrist as I stumble back and slam right into a tree.

It’s instinct: The punch I throw with my free hand, hitting him square in the throat, even as my heel comes down on the top of his foot. He grunts like it hurts, but doesn’t move, doesn’t let up on the grip he keeps on my wrist.

“Where’d you get this scar?” He drags a finger over the top of my hand, where I’ve got a scar shaped like an eight point star. 

“Get off me!” I shout as I try to wrench my hand free of his grip.

If his men hear, they don’t come running. There is no one here to save me--not that there has been anyone to save me in a long time anyway.

He’s wearing gloves, but with the hand not maintaining a vice on my wrist, he pushes the leather back enough to reveal a matching scar on the back of his own hand. 

All thought eddies from my mind. 

This can’t be real.

He takes the knife from my hand as if it was being held by a toddler, but much to my surprise, he slides it right back into its sheath at my hip. The move lets him lean in, large body hovering over mine. I still can’t see a glimpse of his face beneath the hood. 

“You’re my mate,” he says, voice a reverent whisper.

Mate. My heart hammers in my chest at the word, as if something beneath my skin is coming to life at the realization. The power that lies distant and untouched with me stirs, a large beast poking its head out of the den after a long hibernation. Having a mate is most women's dream--was my own, once upon a time, before the world went to hell--but not like this, not him. My world had gone to hell because of him. 

The Mother truly hates my guts.

“I’m not your anything,” I snarl as I get a hand on his broad chest and push. He’s nothing but solid muscle beneath my palm. When pushing gets me nowhere, I make a fist and hit him a good couple times. “Now let go of me, you brute!”

He chuckles, low and rich, as if this is all very amusing. “No. It’s not safe out here. You’re coming with me.”

I’d rather be eaten by the kelpie. “The hell I am!” But before I can find a way to fight him, as useless as my attempts have been thus far, he wraps a strong arm around my waist and all but tosses me into the saddle.

I reach for my hunting knife again, but a gloved hand hovers over my own, even as his other arm snakes around me to grab the reins. “Easy, mate,” he purrs in my ear. “You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

Despite myself, that voice, so close to my ear, his body warm and solid behind me, a shiver runs down my spine. “You’re fucking kidnapping me, you bastard!” I snarl, because there’s no way I’m just going along with this. “And I’m not your mate! I don’t even believe in mates.”

“You will,” he assures as he kicks his horse into moving back into the fog.

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[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 49

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

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Monday, February 8th; 11:45 AM - In class.

Returning to reality is hard. I'm bored to death with these classes. If Lucy saw me, she'd probably lecture me for slouching over my desk trying to follow this pointless lesson. I wish we could have extended our weekend. It was so much more enjoyable, even with the little incident Feli caused on Saturday night. I keep thinking about it. Lucy was so sweet to me from beginning to end. I was so worried, but now I regret that the weekend was too short. Plus, seeing my brother again was such a joy. It broke my heart when it was time to leave. He didn’t want to let us go, and he even cried. I felt sorry for Hector, who had to stay with him. Luckily, the holidays are coming soon. We have just one more week. I’m eagerly looking forward to it, so much so that I feel like these next few days are going to drag on. It’s well known that excitement tends to slow down time. If all goes well, I'll spend those two weeks with Lucy. The first week is certain, since we'll be going to the Alps with her friends. She told me she'd handle the planning with Ingrid during the day.

- "You seem lost in thought," Alessia murmurs. "Is everything okay?"

- "Yeah," I say, sitting up and giving her a shy smile.

I’ve never felt so good. Of course, I still have problems, but the biggest ones are now resolved. My smile fades for a moment as I recall the events of last week. With everything that happened, I haven't had the chance to speak to my friends since the cafeteria incident. I did check in with Alexia via text, but that was it. I got bombarded with questions this morning. If I had at least had one meal with them, I could have avoided this situation. But I don’t regret eating with Lucy. I was still too shaken to be around other students. Coming back to school this morning reminded me why I wasn't ready for that. The students made me the center of attention. I hated it. My friends told me that a bunch of rumors had spread after the fight. The first was about Korbin getting expelled, but for me, it was a different story. The students thought I was in the hospital, considering the beating I took. The scene in the cafeteria must have been something for them to think that. After hearing all this, I’m not surprised everyone is staring at me. Sure, I still have a few marks, but everything’s healing pretty well, thanks to Lucy’s weekly care.

- "I wanted to apologize," I said.

- "For what?"

- "For being radio silent until today. I shouldn't have worried you. To be honest, I didn't expect you to be so concerned."

- "You're our friend; it's normal to worry."

- "Yeah, but you know, except for Mapi, I was never close to many people. But now that I have you guys, it’s… I don’t know. I’m glad to have you."

- "We’re glad to have you too," she smiles. "Just don’t leave us without news next time. We saw you Thursday morning, so we knew you were okay, but we still wondered why you were absent the next day."

- "I promise, next time I'll let you know."

I return her smile. I've grown closer to them, so I can’t shy away now. I’m relieved when the bell rings right after our conversation. I hope the rest of the week doesn’t pass as slowly as this half-day. I’ll die of boredom otherwise. My only motivation is that I’ll see Lucy every evening since we’ll be sharing her room again this week. She told me she’d be busy these next five days, so I’ll have to make do with our evening classes and nights together. I hope I can manage. She’s been my support these past few days, and I already feel lost without her by my side. In the meantime, I content myself with my friends. Specifically, Alessia. She’s telling me all about what I missed last week, and her stories are pretty funny. I stop laughing, though, when we run into Lucy walking in the opposite direction just as we’re about to leave the building. I step aside to avoid getting in anyone’s way.

- "Hey," I say with a smile, happy to see her.

My smile fades when I realize she’s not looking at me. Her attention is focused on Alessia beside me, and she’s giving her a dirty look before finally turning to me.

- "Hi," she finally responds. "You know we already saw each other this morning, right?" she jokes.

- "Uh, yeah," I say awkwardly, making her smile.

- "I don’t have much time to chat, but we’ll meet after class. I’ll be done with what I have to do by then, so we can work on your assignments."

- "Really? I don’t want to waste your time. If you’re too busy, Alessia can help me."

- "No. I insisted on helping you with your studies, so I’m not going to abandon you," she replies.

I suppress my smile at the tone of her voice. Oh, so she has an issue with Alessia... I didn’t see that coming.

- "Alright. I’ll be there," I simply reply.

- "You better be. You can’t back out now."

- "I wasn’t planning to," I tease.

- "Good," she smiles. "See you later in the classroom."

- "Aren’t you going to eat?"

- "I just finished. I wanted to avoid the crowd and save time."

- "Oh," I say, struggling to hide my disappointment.

She smiles at me, as if she understands how I feel. I wish she could have been there with me. Just seeing her in front of me would have given me courage. She ruffles my hair affectionately before slowly walking away.

- "See you in a few hours," I whisper.

- "See you in a few hours," she repeats.

I sigh as I watch her walk away. I wish I could follow her. I turn back to Alessia, who raises an eyebrow with a small smile.

- "Study session, huh? I guess things are better between you two if you're willing to ditch me."

- "Oh... Uh, yeah. I should’ve told you," I grimace as we head outside to join the others.

They were waiting for us at the exit. We follow them to the cafeteria as they start walking when they see us.

- "I’m really sorry, but because of my terrible grades, Bronze wanted to take charge again."

- "So, things are better between you?"

- "I... Yeah, you could say that."

- "You could say that?" she giggles. "You seemed pretty happy to see her just now," she smiles.

- "You’re exaggerating... It’s just that I didn’t expect to see her. She told me she’d be very busy today."

- "Who, besides you, tries to run into their supervisor?" she teases.

- "Alright... You’re right. Probably no one," I giggle. "I can’t help it if I enjoy spending time with her. She... I don’t know. I need her, that’s all. With what happened last week, she once again proved that to me."

- "Uh-huh..." she smiles.

- "What?"

- "Nothing," she says with a smirk.

- "Oh, come on. I know you well enough by now to know you’re thinking something."

- "No, I’m not saying anything," she says, raising her hands. "You might take it the wrong way again, and I don’t want to risk it."

- "Of course not," I protest.

- "I’m sure you would," she laughs. "Please drop it. I really don’t want you to get upset again."

- "Fine," I sigh.

I don’t insist, knowing that if she doesn’t want to talk about it, she must have a good reason. I don’t want to create any tension between us when we’ve been getting along so well these past few days. I step into the cafeteria hall as she holds the door for me. I barely take a few steps before Alexia half-jumps on me, putting her arm around my shoulders. I wince, holding back a cry of pain to avoid worrying her. Though my injuries are healing, they are far from fully recovered.

- "Classes are so depressing," she groans. "I’m so glad we’re on break!"

- "I totally agree."

- "You guys can’t complain. We only have one week left," Alessia comments.

- "Yeah, Especially the first week. Oh my God, I can’t wait!"

- "I can’t agree more," I say with a knowing smile.

- "What do you mean...?" Ale asks, slowing down. "Wait, don’t tell me—"

She stops completely, making me chuckle. I hadn’t told her the good news yet. This vacation is going to be amazing. I’ll be surrounded by all the people I’m closest to: Lucy, Mapi, and Alexia. Gradually, a smile spreads across Alexia’s face as if she’s just figured it out.

- "No, but wait... Really?"

I shrug, smiling even more. I reply with a wink before continuing with Alessia toward the buffet, who no longer tries to understand our half-spoken conversation. Thankfully. She’s a good analyst, and I don’t want her starting to ask questions.

- "Ona Batlle! What don’t I know about!?"

- "Oh, a lot of things," I giggle. "Let’s talk about it tonight, okay?"

"You have no idea how much I hate you right now for leaving me in suspense!"

I laugh, not saying anything more. I get the feeling Alessia is already asking herself questions, so I don’t want to add fuel to the fire by feeding her curiosity. We finally change the subject as we return to our table.

Monday, February 8; 5:45 PM - Lucy and Ingrid’s Office.

For the fifth time, I try to slide my hand onto Lucy’s thigh, but she stops me again, this time with a grumble. I pout as she furrows her brows once more.

- "You need to stop that."

- "I need to touch you," I groan.

She smiles softly, tilting her head. Coming from me, that might be confusing. I’ve never felt such a primal need before. Lucy has always been the one to offer me affection, and it’s frustrating that she’s denying it now.

- "Since when, huh?"

I shrug, blushing slightly. I missed her today. It was the first day we’ve been apart in four days.

- "Just wait a few more minutes until the building empties. In the meantime, focus. You’re far from done with your exercise."

I slump, resting my head on my hand and letting out a long groan. I’m getting tired of these management exercises. It’s been nearly an hour, and I’m almost back to square one.

- "Um, hello."

I lift my head to see a new presence in the room. Ingrid isn’t here tonight, so I wanted to take the opportunity to get Lucy’s attention, but now I understand why she didn’t want that. We could still be caught at any moment, like now. I squint as I recognize my management teacher, Mr. Tompson.

- "Hello, Mr. Tompson. How can I help you?" Lucy takes the initiative to ask.

- "I didn’t expect you to have company, actually."

- "Oh, Ona isn’t a problem. I help her with her homework every evening, so I doubt there will be other times to discuss privately. I’ll make sure she stays quiet if it’s an important matter."

- "Actually, it concerns her class."

He glances at me with a gentle smile. I don’t return his smile at all. He caught my attention as soon as he arrived. Lucy sort of confirmed for me that he’s interested in her. That makes me even more eager to defend my territory, but of course, I can’t. As if Lucy sensed that I was seething beside her, she gently squeezes my knee.

- "Well?"

I loosen my grip on my pen and look back down at my paper. Maybe my inattention will encourage my teacher to talk, and that’s exactly what happens. He must have realized that I wasn’t going to leave. There’s no way I’m letting him be alone with Lucy.

- "I was thinking of organizing an outing for their class. It would involve seeing how a company operates. I’m just waiting for responses from the companies I’ve selected."

- "Okay…" Lucy responds uncertainly. "And how does that involve me?"

- "I’m looking for chaperones… Three, to be exact."

- "I see."

- "I was hoping you’d be willing to do it," he adds hesitantly after Lucy’s response.

- "Well, why not, but it’s not my decision to make. You’d better discuss this with the principal."

- "Oh yes, of course! That was my intention," he says quickly. "I just wanted to know if you were agreeable before approaching her."

- "Do you already have the other chaperones?"

- "Another teacher who helped organize the outing will be there. I’m still missing the third person."

- "I can ask Engen. I suppose she’d be interested in coming with us. Of course, it will need Wiegman’s approval first."

- "That’s a good idea. I’ll handle that. Anyway, it’s not happening for a few weeks."

- "Alright, then we’ll discuss it again when the time comes."

- "Bronze…?" I murmur. "I’m stuck here."

A smile spreads across her lips as she presses her hand on my knee a little more. She seems to understand my plea for attention.

- "Excuse me, did I interrupt you?" my teacher asks.

- "No problem," Lucy replies.

- "Well then… I’ll leave you to it. Have a good evening."

- "Thank you, you too."

I watch him leave the room with a nasty look. Fortunately for me, he didn’t notice as he had his back turned. He closes the door halfway at Lucy’s request. I sigh with relief at his departure. He was making the atmosphere heavy. Lucy smiles at me almost mockingly.

- "What?"

- "Oh, nothing."

- "Hmm…"

- "So, what’s your problem?"

- "Oh, I didn’t have one. I just wanted him to leave."

She smiles again and goes back to her work. I groan, resting my head on my palm again.

- "Still, I hadn’t realized how insufferable that guy is."

Lucy lets out a laugh she’s probably been holding in for a while, given its intensity.

- "Hey, don’t make fun of me! It’s the truth."

- "I thought you liked him?"

- "Yeah, well, I’ve changed my mind. I like him less now that I know he’s hovering around you."

- "He’s not hovering around me," she rolls her eyes.

- "He likes you and ogles you; it’s all the same to me. Plus, I would’ve preferred to avoid confronting him today, given how much I missed you," I tease her.

She smiles in amusement and surprises me by leaning in to kiss me. I close my eyes, fully enjoying this contact, which I realize has become a necessity for me right now. However, it doesn’t last. I open my eyes to beg for more, which prompts her to respond verbally.

- "I hope you fully enjoyed that little taste to satisfy your needs because that’s going to be my only affectionate gesture in this office tonight. Now get back to work. I want that exercise finished before dinner."

A plaintive whine escapes me. I should’ve expected it, but it’s so frustrating. Knowing that she really means it, I abandon the idea of getting more and change the subject.

- "I can’t do it," I replied.

I’m not sure if I’m talking about the exercise or the affection she’s withholding. She seems to assume it’s the former, judging by her response.

- "I’ve explained it to you three different ways. You can’t tell me you can’t do it. This is clearly a lack of effort on your part, and if you think I’m going to do the exercise for you, you’ve got another thing coming."

I sigh, knowing full well that she’s right about this. In truth, I already understood it the second time she explained it, but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. I still pout, not entirely happy with her attitude. However, I don’t complain to avoid getting scolded for real. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Lucy won’t act any differently than a supervisor during work hours. With little enthusiasm, I finally dive into my exercise.

Monday, February 8; 8:15 PM - Ona and Alexia’s Room.

- "No way, this can’t be true…" says Alexia, completely shocked. "Why do you always hide so much from me! So, you and Bronze…"

She doesn’t finish her sentence, as if she still can’t believe it enough to say it out loud. I giggle and nod. I just told her we’re a couple. I thought she would’ve guessed when I said everything was settled, but it seems she hadn’t thought that far. She falls back onto the bed across from me. It looks like she’s going to need some time to process this.

- "But like, really?"

- "Yes, Ale," I laugh. "We’re together."

- "B-but, but… How?! We’re talking about Bronze here!"

- "Call her Lucy with me, please," I roll my eyes with a little amused smile.

- "Oh no, no, no. I definitely can’t do that. We’re talking about Bronze!"

I laugh heartily before we look each other in the eye. I wait for her to digest the news. She opens her mouth to speak but then closes it again. She seems to be thinking about what to say before finally speaking.

- "How? I mean, Bronze hates me because I broke the rules by dating Jenni, and she got fired because of me. So how did you get her to break the same rule herself? It’s so unexpected. I mean, of course, I encouraged you, and I hated her for hurting you so much, but… I don’t know. I just never expected her to offer you an intimate relationship, seriously!"

- "Stop it, Lucy doesn’t hate you."

- "Oh yes, yes, yes! She hates me! She made that clear from the start! She’s only become nicer to me since you two started hooking up! And that’s only because we’re friends! Did you say something to her? Oh my God, you must have said something! Otherwise, she wouldn’t be acting so nice to me!"

I chuckle in amusement. The way she’s getting worked up is hilarious. Now she’s standing up, panicking, saying things I can’t even understand anymore because I’m laughing so much.

- "Ale, calm down. I didn’t say anything to her. If she’s doing it for me, I don’t know about it. I can find out If you want.

- Definitely not! Besides… why are you here with me? Don’t you want to go find her?

- Well, you see, I have a friend who pressured me a little to stop by here before heading back to my room. I should hate you for delaying the moment I’ve been waiting for all day, but you’re lucky I like you, I teased.

- Aww, you’re too cute! But go on. I don’t want to keep you. I’ll just try to process this news now that I know.

- No, I think I’ll stay here for a bit. Actually, I need to make Lucy wait. She left me frustrated while I was doing my homework.

Alexia sits back down on her bed, nodding.

- It’s understandable that she’d want to keep things discreet. Her best friend lost her job because of me for the same reason. I doubt she wants to get fired for it too.

- I know… I sighed. I don’t blame her; I get it. Honestly, I just didn’t expect to want to be so touchy-feely with her. I mean, just last week, I could barely stand being touched. Now I’m practically begging her to touch me, even if it’s just once.

- I’ve been saying from the start that you were hooked on her, she teased. But still, I can’t get over it. You two, together? I mean, especially Bronze in a relationship—it’s unimaginable.

- Oh, stop. It’s just because she only shows you the mask she wants you to see. She’s really sweet deep down. I even think she’s hiding her true self, I said with a roll of my eyes.

- What do you mean by that?

- I’m not saying anything. You might never see her the same way again, and I doubt Lucy would appreciate it, I replied with a small, sly smile. I think she likes to keep you on your toes, I chuckled.

- Yeah, well, it’s really not funny, she pouted.

- You know, I can always talk to her if this bothers you that much.

- No, absolutely not! I want to prove to her that I’m a good match for Jenni. I feel like she still doesn’t think so.

- If she doesn’t yet, she will. And I promise I won’t do anything to make that happen.

We exchanged a knowing smile just as there was a knock on the door. A rather timid Lucy entered our room. I raised an eyebrow, not expecting her to show up. I’d seen her after dinner and told her I wouldn’t come by right away.

- Hey, I said. What brings you here?

- I was wondering what was taking you so long.

I raised an eyebrow, noticing it was only twenty past eight. I usually didn’t head back to my room until nine when I stopped by here first.

- Hmm… We were just talking, but I can come back with you if that’s what you want.

- Oh no, it’s just that… she started before cutting herself off. Never mind.

Lucy shifted her gaze from me to my roommate. She raised an eyebrow, making me look at Alexia in turn. Alexia’s cheeks were clearly flushed with embarrassment, probably from staring at her. Lucy sighed, running a hand through her hair.

- She knows, I guess?

- Of course. Don’t think I was going to keep it from her.

- I didn’t say anything, she smiled softly. Well… are you done, or should I leave without you?

- I think we’re done…

- Yeah, sure, Alexia confirmed.

- So, see you tomorrow morning? I asked.

- Yeah, she smiled, getting up to hug me. See you tomorrow morning.

- Good night, I said, before joining Lucy, who had been waiting by the door since the beginning.

Lucy wished her a good night as well before letting me go ahead to leave. We walked through the buildings, taking her shortcut to make the trip quicker.

- You thought I wasn’t coming back? I teased. I usually get back to your room later than this.

- No. Let’s just say I didn’t expect you to take so long. You told me you’d only be fifteen minutes.

- Hmm… And what would have happened if I’d stayed longer, huh?

- It would have meant that I couldn’t enjoy you the way I wanted, she murmured as she opened her bedroom door.

- Well, I started, immediately searching for my things in my suitcase. You didn’t want me to enjoy you in your office either, I replied in a slightly reproachful tone.

- You’re not really mad about that, are you? she teased.

- You don’t know me very well if you think otherwise, I replied with a wink.

She tried to steal a kiss as we moved, but I ignored her and slammed the bathroom door in her face. I heard her groan behind it, which made me stifle a laugh. I expected her to give up—at least, that’s what I would’ve done in her place—but instead, she came into the bathroom just as I was taking off my shirt.

- Luce, get out of here.

- No, she said, blocking me against the sink.

- What’s gotten into you? I sighed, slightly unsettled by her sudden change in behavior.

- You should know that I don't reject you in my office for fun, she replied. I told you that I'd remain your supervisor at school and your girlfriend in private. I thought you understood that. Let's not start taking jabs at each other over this.

Her response made me realize she took my words seriously. Sure, I was a little upset with her for making me wait with just one kiss, but I was mostly joking.

- Sorry, I... It’s just that... Today was hard. I really missed you. I didn’t expect it to be this much. Plus, it was tough dealing with all those rumors and students without you by my side.

Lucy sighed as she pulled me into her arms. I relaxed into her embrace, enjoying the long-awaited hug. She kissed my forehead.

- It was only the first day... You'll have to hold on for three more months because I’m not planning to change my stance on professionalism. Don’t forget that I’m working here.

- I know, I mumbled.

- We’ll have all the time in the world to be together in the evenings, OK?

- Yeah, and after the holidays, huh? I won’t be here in the evenings, remember?

- Well, we’ll have the weekends, she arched an eyebrow. You're not going to get all depressed on me, are you? I didn’t think you were this needy for affection, she teased.

- Well, you’re the one who made me like this.

She laughed and stole a quick kiss from me.

- Now, go take a quick shower and come join me. You’re not the only one who’s been waiting for this moment all day. I just hide it better than you.

I smiled as I watched her leave. She really does hide it better than I do because I hadn’t noticed. I hurried to wash up and get ready for bed before joining her. She was already waiting in bed with the next Harry Potter movie queued up on her laptop. I quickly joined her, snuggling into her arms. She held me tight and kissed me passionately, showing me just how much she had missed me too.

- So, how was your day otherwise? she asked as she started the movie.

- Long and boring, I sighed. It’s really unbearable. I’m just glad Alessia and the others were there to distract me.

- Alessia, huh?

- What? I asked, smiling slightly, already knowing where this conversation was going.

- You two have gotten close pretty quickly. Is she still into you?

I smiled mischievously. I vaguely mentioned this to her because of what happened on New Year’s Eve. I seriously need to stop talking to her about these things.

- I don’t think so. At least, she knows I’m interested in someone else.

- Really?

- Yeah… But she’s starting to have questions about us, so if you ask me, you might want to save those looks for someone else next time.

I bit my lip and looked up. The scene from this morning was unforgettable. I saw her give Alessia a disapproving look, and I doubt it was accidental. I caught her rolling her eyes before she turned them back to me.

- Why? She’s asking questions?

- I think she suspects that you’re the one I’m interested in. So yeah, I guess she’s asking questions. This morning, she didn’t want to continue a conversation about it, fearing I’d get upset…

- I see, she murmured. I’ll try to control myself. You try to do the same with your management professor, she teased.

- At least I didn’t stare him down!

- Maybe not, but you weren’t exactly pleasant either, she giggled.

- That’s not true.

- Yes, it is, she laughed. It was cute.

I blushed, sinking deeper into her. I turned my attention to the movie that had been playing. Lucy kissed my head, making me smile. It’s funny how easily we express our feelings now when we hid them for weeks before.

- So… I can’t talk to Alessia about us, right? I broke the silence, making Lucy sigh.

- Why do you ask? Do you want to tell her?

- No, but I’m afraid she’ll find out…

- If you ask me, from what you’ve told me, she already suspects. It’s up to us to prove her wrong, which is why we need to stay professional here, especially during work hours.

- You’re right, I murmured.

- I’d love for you to be able to talk to her, but the fewer people who know, the less chance we have of compromising my end of the year. I’d rather we don’t talk about it, no matter how much you trust Alessia or anyone else.

I nodded. It’s definitely too risky. It might be our last year, but I’m not going to risk anything happening in the short time we have left here.

- I won’t say anything.

- So… Do you really like her since you’ve gotten close to her?

I swallowed a smile. She’s really cute when she’s playing jealous.

- She was a good support while you were away… I misjudged her, to be honest.

- You know, if you asked me a question like that, I would have reassured you…

I frowned, worried that I might be misunderstanding the tone of her voice. I looked up to see her smiling softly at me.

- Yes, I’m jealous of her, baby. Unlike me, you could have been open with her in front of your friends.

- I was open with you in Barcelona and even in front of my mom. That was the first time that ever happened. Well, I did it with Mapi in front of our friends, but definitely not as quickly.

- Really…? she murmured.

- Yes.

I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better look at her. She suddenly seemed deep in thought. Her hand gently caressed my back.

- What’s on your mind? I whispered.

- I don’t want to rush you into things too quickly. You know that, right?

- Of course. I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. Honestly… I expected this weekend to be a disaster because of my fears, but I ended up loving it… You made me feel comfortable, as you always do. Everything feels so natural between us, and that’s exactly what I need.

She smiled softly before kissing me.

- I’m glad to hear you say that. Don’t hesitate to tell me if anything bothers you, okay?

- Nothing bothers me… But I’ll tell you if something does, I promise. Can we finally watch the movie now?

- Of course, she giggled. Sorry. Come here.

She lifted her arm, and I didn’t hesitate to snuggle as close to her as possible. I love when she holds me in her arms. I used to be afraid of starting a new relationship because I didn’t like physical contact anymore, but now I crave the opposite with Lucy. I buried my head in her neck, thinking about this. I can’t imagine being without her anymore. We’ll need to balance our time during the day and our private moments. I have no doubt she’ll help me with that, even though it will be challenging for both of us, from what I can tell. Lucy is clearly better at hiding it than I am. I hope I can do the same in the coming days, and then the holidays will finally be ours.

[azrielsdove]

Requesting rhys x reader

reader has an eating disorder that rhys thought she was passed it. She tries to hide little things from him like wearing baggier clothes cause she’s losing weight. Once he has suspicions he starts making her meals but she just says she isn’t hungry or she already ate but he keeps pushing her to eat so she does. But he catches her in the bathroom throwing up after. He’s really angry at first but then just wants to help her stop so he peels food labels off everything, never leaves her alone, she can’t go to the bathroom by herself. He gets rid of scales and mirrors. Idk I’m just really feeling a super over protective /controlling rhys rn

Okay, this is not exactly what you asked for, but I really struggled to get too dark with it. I have definitely had this feeling before, and I couldn’t bring myself to write it as serious! I still wanted to do your request, knowing that sometimes it helps to see struggles like this in stories, and see them overcome it. I hope you still enjoy this, it is a little short but sweet I think. Please let me know!!

***

Beautiful Girl

Warnings: Negative body image

***

You looked over yourself in the mirror, admiring the way the dress fell on your body. It was tight, sheer, and sexy. You knew you looked good, having fought hard to get to this level of acceptance. You turned to the side, tracing your hands down the material. You were truly beautiful.

Cassian walked into the living room where you were still standing in front of the mirror. He whistled, the sound causing you to turn your head sharply. You smiled, spinning slowly for him. “Damn girl! You look hot.” You laughed, throwing your head back.

“Don’t let Rhys hear those sort of words come out of your mouth.” You chided, a smile on your lips. Cassian’s eyes looked affectionally over you, ever the flirt. His stare caught on the sheer paneling over your stomach, a teasing smile on his face.

“Guess I will need to up your training, get some abs on that body of yours!” He laughed, turning to sit on the couch to wait for the others.

You stilled.

You knew the words were a joke, hardly even anything negative. The small, terrible part of your mind suddenly started up, picking out all your imperfections as you looked on the mirror. You felt self conscious in this dress now, an embarrassment to Rhys. You had halfway decided to go change when he appeared in the room, walking over to you.

“My beautiful, perfect love. You look ravishing.” He sent a wicked smile your way, pressing a kiss to your lips. You couldn’t help but think about his hands on you waist, on how your body must feel under them. He noticed your hesitation, eyes catching yours. “You okay?” He asked quietly, worry filling his face. You forced a smile on your face and kissed him again.

“Never better.”

***

It had been a few days since Cassian made that comment and you were falling deeper into your mind. You would stand in front of the mirror before your baths, nitpicking every part of your body. You stopped wearing your normal tight revealing clothes, instead opting for loose and big. You even sized up in your fighting leather for training, allowing the looser form to hide your body.

Rhys noticed, of course.

He didn’t understand what had caused you to start to fall down this path again, when you had been doing so well. You hadn’t had any issues in years. He didn’t want to ask, knowing it would send you into a further spiral if he brought it up.

Instead, he took it upon himself to rid the house of anything that would hurt you. You woke up one morning to find all the mirrors were gone, Rhys acting like they had never existed. You found one of his shirts and a pair of loose trousers left out for you, slightly better than what you had been wearing. When you went to find Rhys in the kitchen, you found him with two plates of food for the both of you. He started making all your meals, showering you in compliments, leaving comfortable clothes out for you.

You finally broke at breakfast a few days later, overwhelmed with his actions. “Why have you been doing this?” You demanded, arms crossed in front of you. Rhys paused for a second, looking up at you.

“Doing what?” He asked, feigning innocence. You rolled your eyes and let out a long sigh.

“Rhysand,” you began, “the mirrors are gone. You’re making my meals, picking out my clothes. Why?”

There was a long pause.

“I noticed. How you were looking at yourself. Sizing up your clothing. I saw you in here sitting in front of a plate of barely anything, hardly touching it.” He stood, coming over to you. “This is not the first time i’ve seen this in you,” he spoke softly, “I know the signs.”

You remained silent, face flushed with embarrassment. He had caught you so easily, so quickly. “I- It just got bad again.” You whispered, looking down at the ground. Rhys cupped your face in his hands, bringing you back up to look at him.

“I know,” he said, “It isn’t always going to be easy. Lucky for you, I will be by your side to help you through.” He gave you a cocky smile, drawing a laugh from you. You leaned up and kissed him, love flowing through your body.

“Thank you, Rhys. For always protecting me, even from myself.” You noticed a faint blush on his neck at your words, smiling to yourself. Even after all these years, your words still affected him like that. He pulled you into a tight hug, holding you close.

“Can I ask what spurred this? To try to prevent it from happening again?” He asked, pulling away to look at your face. You debated not telling him, knowing Cassian would surely suffer. Unfortunately for him, you could never hide anything from the High Lord, your love.

“Cass made a comment the night we went to dinner, about ‘putting some abs on’. It wasn’t even an insult, just a joking tease about training. It hit me wrong I guess, sending my mind back into that dark hole.” Rhys’ eyes flashed with anger at your words, his arms holding onto you tighter. “He didn’t mean anything by it!” You assured, not wanting him to unleash his full wrath onto the General.

“I’m sure he didn’t,” Rhys said coolly, “but he needs to learn to be more careful with his words.”

***

You didn’t know what Rhys had said or done to Cassian, but the next day he was on his knees in front of you, dramatically begging your forgiveness and showering you in apologies. You laughed at him, pulling him up to his feet. “No hard feelings, Cass.” You assured, giving him a hug. “But maybe think before you speak next time.”

For the weeks after, Rhys continued to make your meals and lay out your clothes. His outfits slowly got tighter and more revealing, allowing you the time to sink back into your skin. He showered you with plenty of compliments in every one, making sure you smiled everyday. He assisted you in training, helping you get back to strengthening your body, not harming it. You began to feel confident again, even admiring yourself in the reflection of the window one night. Rhys had caught you standing there, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist. “Beautiful girl,” he murmured, kissing your neck softly. You leaned into his touch and looked at the image of the two of you, the power and love you exuded.

You were strong, powerful, and beautiful. Rhys had only pushed you to see that truth once again. You were the one that allowed his love to push down the darkness, instead of letting it swallow you up like it had before.

***

[sophrosynesworld]

Black and Blues (Pt. 3)

Part One:

My feet slam against the trail, each step pounding out a futile rhythm against the crushing silence. The rocks crunch beneath my sneakers, a temporary distraction from the storm inside my head.

But my mind won't quiet.

“You don’t need to quit. You love your job.”

“Katsuki, I have to.”

Was it my fault? I replay every conversation in my head, dissecting every word, searching for signs I missed—clues that could have warned me, things I could have done differently. But there’s nothing, just endless questions with no answers. My lungs burn as I push harder, vision blurring with the tears I refuse to let fall. I could run his business, I could do the interviews, but on this side of the glass, everything feels impossible.

Helpless. That’s what I am.

We know the risks—we train for this, every single day, to make sure those mistakes don’t happen. But it’s been over 24 hours, and we still don’t even know his last steps. Katsuki was always the strong one. He was supposed to be the one fighting for me. We knew what we were getting into; we understood the dangers

Mina opened her home to me without hesitation, convinced it was the safest place for me to be. But she’s taken on so much—organizing meal trains, managing a steady stream of heroes who come and go, each one more exhausted and defeated than the last. They all tell me how sorry they are, how they’re doing everything they can.

But Mina’s house, my second home, full of laughter and late-night drunken conversations, feels emptier than it ever has. Every casserole dish and dessert left on her counter is a reminder of someone’s love, but it all feels hollow. Their words are kind, but registers as white noise. “He’s strong,” they say, “He’ll get through this.” But it only twists the knife deeper. They don’t understand—none of them do.

Nighttime is the worst. When the apartment goes quiet and everyone is gone, the weight of his absence suffocates me. I curl up in bed, clutching his hoodie, burying my face in the fabric that still smells like him—smoke and sugar, Katsuki—and I cry until my body feels empty. Every shadow in the room reminds me of him, and I want to scream until my throat bleeds. But I can’t. I can’t even turn on the lights.

Izuku tried to protect me, to shield me from the worst of it, but I saw it anyway. He looked… gone. The fire in his eyes snuffed out. I didn’t recognize him. The Katsuki I know would have fought, would have torn the room apart with his bare hands, but this version of him—he didn’t even flinch when they hit him.

He didn’t scream.

“Why’d you stop?” Kirishima’s voice breaks through the noise in my head, and I turn to see him jogging up behind me, his face tight with concern. He’s trying to be strong for me, but I see the cracks.

“oh, sorry,” I say, my voice trembling. I pick at my nails, my head bowed, staring at the ground. “I just… got lost.”

“In what?” His question hangs in the air, and I can’t bring myself to answer. I don’t have the words. I don’t even know how to start explaining the mess inside me.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Eijiro,” I finally whisper, my voice barely audible, strangled by the tears I’ve held back for too long. “I don’t know how to help him.”

He steps closer, reaching out, but I recoil, the fury boiling over. I whirl around and slam my fist into the nearest tree, the bark digging into my skin, but I don’t care. It’s nothing compared to the pain that’s eating me alive. “I’m tired of the lies, of people treating me like I’m going to break. I need to know the truth.”

Kirishima flinches, his eyes brimming with a sadness that makes my chest ache. “I’m sorry. I wish I had answers. I wish I could do more.”

“Then why don’t you tell me anything?” I shout, tears streaming down my face. “You’re all in those rooms, making decisions. You know where he is, what they’re doing to him, and no one tells me a damn thing. I’m his wife, Eijiro. I have a right to know.”

I pace back and forth, every breath a struggle, every word a plea. “I can’t keep pretending. I’m losing him, and I can’t even fight for him. I saw the video. I saw what they did. He didn’t even look like himself anymore. They hit him, and he just… took it. Katsuki never just takes it.”

Kirishima’s gaze meets mine, and I can see the pain mirrored in his eyes, tears threatening to spill. “You really think I’d let them keep my best friend if I knew where he was?” His voice cracks, thick with emotion.

“I’d tear this city apart to get him back if I could. We’re doing everything we can, but we don't know anything. They’ve benched all of us, not just you.” He pauses, his voice dropping to a broken whisper. “I’m still a hero, but right now, I feel just as powerless as you. You’re not the only one drowning in this, soldier.”

I shake my head, my voice breaking into a sob. “I'm sorry."

Kirishima closes the distance, pulling me into his arms, and I let myself crumble. “I just want him back,” I whisper, my voice lost against his shoulder. “I just want my husband back.”

We stand there, holding onto each other as the world continues to spin without him, every second feeling like a lifetime of heartbreak.

Part Four:

[graveyardvalentinee]

I have an idea: What about Ney and the reader fighting about something dumb maybe like he is not helping around the house even when she asks. Kylian and Hakimi are trying to make peace, and they say something like, "So you guys wanted to tell us something," and Ney "Oh yeah, we are engaged" ❤️

yesss thank you so much for the request i love it!!

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surprise / neymar jr

pairing : Neymar x reader

“Food is ready!” I hear Neymar call from the kitchen.

He insisted on cooking tonight , he even decided to invite Kylian and Hakimi over so that he could tell them the secret we’ve been keeping in.

Me and the guys walk into the kitchen , Kylian and Hakimi snickering at Neymar’s cooking attire - a hot pink apron with the words “kiss the chef” on it.

“I assume the apron is hinting at Y/N - unless you’d want Hakimi to go up there and give you a nice smooch brother.” Kylian says through laughter.

I can’t help but laugh myself too.

“Alright alright laugh all you want - but yes the apron is hinting towards my beautiful girlfriend.” Ney says walking in my direction and giving me a short kiss.

“Girlfriend hmm?” I whisper in his ear

“The reason why I invited them over is to tell them querida. Go and get the ring from upstairs - I want to announce it before we begin eating.” He chuckles in my ear giving my hip a slight squeeze.

We turn around and see Hakimi fake throwing up in the sink with Kylian holding a hand covering his mouth as if he’s about to barf too.

“Total drama queens.” Neymar whispers to me.

“Okay okay are we going to eat or not ? Or did you just make us come all the way over here to remind us we’re desperately single?” Kylian says , rolling his eyes jokingly.

[ let’s pretend like Hakimi is single ]

“We will eat - soon. Me and Y/N have an announcement to make before.” Neymar excitedly says. He’s been dying to tell anyone about our engagement.

Hakimi groans loudly and throws his arms up in the air. “Kylian we should have just gotten something on the way if we knew chef Neymar would make us wait this long for one meal.”

“I’ll be right back and then we can eat.” I say going up the stairs laughing , still hearing the guys complain to Ney about the wait on the food and how they’ve been waiting since practice to eat.

I find the beautiful ring and slip it on , I look over to the picture of me and Neymar on our first date in Brasil.

I smile remembering how he wanted out first official date to be in his homeland , we had asked a local at the beach to take a picture of us with the gorgeous sunset in the back , Ney standing behind me with his arms around my waist and his face buried in my neck - and me holding his arms smiling into the camera.

But my smile dies down when I see that Neymar still hasn’t fixed his clothes.

He has one job - one. And it’s been 3 days , that clothes has been laying there for 3 days.

I do the laundry and he puts away only his portion of the clothes. It’s simple.

But no. He can’t do that can he?

Every single time I have to remind him.

Sometimes I even do it for him- but no. Not anymore.

I know it’s stupid to get mad over it but it’s the only job he has around the house. And it’s tiring that he doesn’t even do the one simple task I ask of him.

I storm down the stairs.

“Neymar Da Silva Santos Junior! You have one job around here. You can count on one hand the job you have around this house - because it’s only ONE - and it’s to put away your clothes. It’s the third day it’s been there and I know you see it every time you walk into our bedroom.” I say marching into the dining room where I spot Neymar sitting at the end of the table.

“What? Y/N what are you talking about?” He says , genuinely looking confused.

Is he serious ?

“What am I talking about ? I’m talking about your stack of clothes that’s been sitting in the room for days. All you have to do is pick it up and put it away. It does not take more than 5 minutes of your day.”

“Oh yeah the clothes. Eh I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow ? Really. You always say that. But what do you do instead ? You go and play poker as soon as you get home - or you play that stupid video game your obsessed with.” I say scoffing.

“Y/N that is not true! If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have this house.” He argues back , raising his voice just a bit.

“Guys calm down , let’s just eat.” Hakimi interjects

“Yeah come on Y/N have a seat - let’s enjoy what Neymar cooked.” Kylian says calmly.

“I know that Neymar! And I am extremely proud of you and grateful for everything you’ve done for the both of us but accomplishing all of that comes with responsibilities- and one of those is doing the simple task of putting your clothes away.”

“Why are you scolding me as if you are my mother!” Neymar scoffs getting up from his seat.

“Guys let’s just both sit down-”

“If I wasn’t here to tell you it would sit there collecting dust.” I laugh bitterly , looking at Neymar angrily.

“Let’s be reasonable both of you-”

“Maybe I would want it to!” Neymar shoots back at me.

“Well that’s just great isn’t it ? Have fun wearing dusty disgusting clothes.” He’s getting on my last nerve.

“I sure will. I’ll look utterly amazing -” he tries to continue arguing with me until Kylian interrupts him.

“Can the both of you please sit down and be quiet!”

I huff and take a seat next to Neymar - the only available seat. He huffs even louder and sits back down scrapping his chair against the marble floor.

“Really ? You just had to do that ?” I say annoyed.

“Another thing to add to the list of things I do that annoy you huh?” He says cocking his head to the side and giving me a look.

“Oh yes the list just keeps piling-”

“Don’t you two have news for us! Id love to hear it!” Hakimi says loudly - fronting a nervous smile , looking between both of us.

I turn to look at Neymar and see his face emotionless.

“Surprise!” He says sarcastically, lifting my hand in the air and displaying the beautiful diamond on my finger for the guys to see.

“Y/N and I got engaged, but after her remarks about me I’m not sure she wants to be engaged to me.” He says nonchalantly.

“That is not true! I just don’t like how I have to remind you to do a simple thing a child could do.”

Hakimi and Kylian both look at each other speechless.

“Holy shit man! You finally did it. Congratulations to the both of you!” Hakimi happily says , getting up and patting Neymar on his back , also giving me a hug and examining the ring on my finger.

“Y/N you have no idea , this man’s been planning the proposal for months ! Asking us our opinions on rings and where to do the proposal. He’d be pacing around the locker rooms asking Messi how he proposed to Antonella just to make the proposal perfect.” Kylian says next - lightly laughing giving Neymar a tight hug , and me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Suddenly hearing that makes the whole situation that happened 3 minutes ago erase from my mind.

“You really did all that ? For me ? For us ?” I ask looking into his piercing eyes.

“We’ll leave you two.” Kylian and Hakimi both say disappearing into the backyard.

“Of course I did all of that for you. I’d do anything for you Y/N - just to be able to call you my wife. To be able to wake up next to you every day and be able to call you mine - and hopefully in the future be able to call you the mother of my kids. Because I love you , and I plan on loving you for the rest of my life. Nothing could ever change that.” He says walking up to me and cupping my face.

“And I promise you from now on I’ll fold all the clothes - even yours. Hell , I might even learn how to the laundry for you.” He says chuckling , resting his forehead on mine.

“I love you - so so much. More than you’d ever know Juhnino , and you’ll have me forever - because I want us forever. Not even a stupid argument over you putting away your clothes could change that.” I say softly laughing and connecting our lips.

“But I think I’ll stick to washing the clothes amor , I don’t want to have a broken washing machine when we just got that one.”

He shakes his heads and laughs , kissing me once more with passionately.

I’ll never get tired of his kisses.

“Are you two finally made up? Because that whole thing took away 10 extra minutes of my appetite away.” Hakimi says coming back into the kitchen with Kylian behind him.

“You know how he gets when he doesn’t eat - it’s not pretty.” Kylian whispers to me and Neymar.

“I heard that! Don’t forget who’s the one that got nutmegged today in practice.”

“We’re here to celebrate Y/N and Neymar’s engagement not talk about football.”

“Yeah yeah keep making up excuses - you know I got you good.”

Kylian rolls his eyes and we all sit down and start eating.

We talk about all the wedding plans Neymar and I already have , like a wedding in Brasil and one here in Paris. Or how we want two honeymoons - depending on Neymars schedule.

“I can’t believe he finally did it. You two complete each other , and we can all clearly see it. We’re both so happy for you.” Kylian says , Hakimi just hums with a mouthful of food.

“She’s just everything I could have ever asked for.” Neymar says holding my hand and running his thumb over my knuckles.

I lean over and kiss his cheek , realizing this life ahead of me is everything I could have ever wanted and more , with the man of my dreams by my side.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

again , thank you so much for this request ! I hope you enjoy it <3.

[strayrockette]

Echos of an Empty Chair

Summary: Reader makes Benny’s favorite

Warning: Angst (I made myself cry), grief, loss,

A/N: I wrote a quick angst one shot because I couldn’t stop thinking about this scene. I don’t think I’m going to recover from this one 😭😭😭I broke my own dang heart 😭😭💔💔💔

Masterlist

The room felt hollow, the kind of empty that echoed, amplifying the silence that followed each of my words. I stood in the dim kitchen, where the soft, warm light barely pushed back the shadows creeping in from the corners. The clock ticked rhythmically, each second a cruel reminder of the time that passed without him. I stared at the perfectly set dinner table, two plates arranged just as he liked—one for me, one for him. It was a ritual I couldn’t seem to break, even though I knew he wouldn’t be coming through the door.

“I made your favorite, roasted steak, mashed potatoes, and baked veggies,” I said, my voice wavering in the quiet. My hand instinctively moved to my growing belly, cradling it like I was trying to comfort myself more than the life growing inside. The tightness in my chest grew, but I forced a small smile, the kind I used to give him when he’d tease me about my cooking. “I could barely eat without this,” I tapped my belly lightly, “little one fighting me every step of the way.”

My gaze drifted to the window, drawn by the sight of his bike sitting neatly in the driveway. Its familiar shape was a jarring contradiction, looking pristine and ready to roar back to life, like nothing had changed. Johnny and the boys had worked tirelessly to fix it, each screw and bolt a labor of love and grief, their way of honoring him. I had watched them from the porch, pretending not to notice the tears they thought they hid behind greasy hands and tired smiles. “Johnny and the boys worked together to fix your bike,” I murmured, the sight of it wrenching something inside me. “I didn’t think they’d ever manage to put it back together.”

My mind wandered to that night, the one that shattered everything. I could hear the screech of tires, the sickening crunch of metal, and the deafening silence that followed. The phone call, the one that made my knees buckle, replayed in my head over and over like a broken record. I had been folding laundry, something so mundane, when the world caved in. The officer’s voice on the other end was stiff and rehearsed, like he’d given this kind of news a hundred times before. But it was the words that echoed: “There’s been an accident. Benny didn’t make it.”

I stared at the empty chair across from me, the one he used to occupy, where he’d lean back with that lazy grin, teasing me about overcooking the steak or forgetting the salt in the potatoes. I could almost see him there now, legs crossed, fingers drumming on the table, waiting for me to sit down and share a meal, to share a moment. It was like his presence lingered in every corner of this house, in the faint scent of his cologne that still clung to his leather jacket by the door, in the scattered tools he always forgot to put away, in the faint hum of his favorite song that haunted the back of my mind.

Tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them back, refusing to let them fall. I had cried enough, and yet it never felt like enough. Every day without him was a fresh wound, reopening at the slightest trigger—a song on the radio, the rumble of a bike passing by, the sight of his old baseball cap still hanging on the hook by the door. I reached out, fingers brushing the edge of his plate as if touching it would somehow bridge the impossible distance between us.

“I… miss you,” I whispered, my voice breaking. The words were too small for the vast emptiness inside me, too weak to capture the weight of what I’d lost. It wasn’t just Benny I missed; it was the future we’d planned, the family we were building, the little moments of everyday life that were now just memories tainted with pain. I missed his laugh, his ridiculous jokes, the way he’d hold me close when the world felt too heavy.

I looked down at my belly again, the only piece of him left that I could still hold onto. This little life, growing and kicking, was my only anchor, my reason to keep moving forward. But every kick felt bittersweet, a reminder of the love we’d shared and the life we’d never get to have together. I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing, hoping, praying that somehow, somewhere, Benny could hear me, that he knew how much I still loved him, how much I needed him, how his absence was a wound that would never fully heal.

I closed my eyes, letting the silence wrap around me like a suffocating blanket. The food on the table grew cold, untouched, just like every other night since he’d been gone. The house, once filled with laughter and love, now felt like a tomb, holding the echoes of a life that had been ripped away too soon. I stayed there, lost in the memories, clutching the fragile hope that maybe, just maybe, he was still here with me in some small, intangible way.

Taglist: @storiesfromafan

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Always my beloved; Thorin Oakenshield x reader

*Author’s note*

For my first ever Thorin Oakenshield story I hope I did you Thorin fans justice with this sweet little oneshot. So @firestrike004​ thank you soo much for your patience and I hope you all enjoy this fic.  

Not really any warnings just injuries, some fluff, some angst (fairly minor but still some people need warnings).

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@queen-paladin​

@gay-and-ready-to-cry​

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We knew the risk of going on this quest, but never did I think we’d come across the bane of Thorin’s family, Azog the Defiler.  We had believed he had died back at the battle of Azanulbizar from his wounds but low and behold there he was astride upon his infamous white warg.  We barely made our escape thanks to our burglar as well as the Great Eagles I had read so much about as a young dwarrow-dam.

Now we decided to take some rest to rest and for Thorin to recover.  The wounds from Azog’s warg were probably the worst I had ever seen and I’ve doctored warg bites before.  But thankfully with both mine and Oin’s help, my beloved should be back to his old strength within a few days.

Aye I did say beloved. Thorin and I are currently in the courting stage of our relationship, and have been for these past 5 summers. He had made a vow to me that once he would reclaim Erebor, we would finally be wed and I would rule at his side as Queen Under the Mountain.

Of course at first when Gandalf had persuaded Thorin to go on this quest, he wanted me to have absolutely no part in it.  In fact he had tried to send me off to live with his cousin Dain in the Iron-hills for safe keeping until the Mountain was reclaimed.  And being the stubborn female dwarf I am, I can be just as stubborn of not more than Thorin Oakenshield himself.

After some heated words, and even a fight to decide my fate, Thorin had kept his word that after defeating him in combat I had a right to go alongside the Quest.  In fact I was one of the first after Dwalin and Balin had agreed to follow Thorin.

I had just changed out Thorin’s bandages as well as flushed out any signs of infections before they could spread and cause his healing to delay or worse make him sick. As I returned to put my stuff back into the pack, I caught sight of Bilbo sitting down to some of Bombur’s stew. I walked over to him and asked.

“Mind if I join you?” he turned to me.

“Not at all (Y/n).” Hobbits truly were polite people.  Even back at his home when I was the only one out of the 13 dwarves to not to help myself to his food cabinet, he graciously tried to offer me something before one of the boys took it for themselves.  I took my seat next to him and he asked, “Do you mind if I—”

“Oh not at all Bilbo, please eat. Mahal knows we’ve been practically starving you since this quest began.” When we were in Rivendell and I caught Bilbo eating both dinner and supper within just a few short hours apart he had told me that Hobbits have seven meals every day.  I took it upon myself to first apologize for starving the poor lad and then when breakfast came that day, I had helped the Elves with serving something not only for the Dwarves but for Bilbo as well.

As he went to his stew, he took a few sips before looking around and whispered to me.

“How’s Thorin?” the lad truly has grown fond of my beloved.  Especially after what had happened along the Misty Mountains.

“He’ll live fortunately. Unfortunately for him, he’ll have to be put on bed rest for the next 24-48hours before he can even move. Warg bites are nothing to sniffle or chuckle at. And believe me getting Thorin to stay on bedrest is a challenge in on itself.”

“No doubt I imagine. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of it being Thorin’s wife.”

“If it hadn’t been for you, I would’ve been called Thorin’s widow.” He stopped his eating and looked at me.  I placed my hand on his shoulder and continued, “What you did last night Bilbo, it’s something that I can never truly repay you for.”

“There-there really is no need to repay me. I just did what anyone of you would’ve done. Though I don’t know why I did without no skill of a blade it was all just—”

“Instinct. I get the feeling. But I am grateful nonetheless my friend.” I patted his shoulder.  “And if you’re up for it later today, Bofur and I can show you a thing or two about fighting. Same with Fili and Kili.” He nodded.

“I do appreciate it (Y/n).” I smiled at him before standing up and went off to join the others for my own meal.

Truthfully I don’t know what I would’ve done had I lost Thorin last night.  He and I have known each other since we were young Dwarves in Erebor, my father being one of the King’s proudest and strongest fighters but was sadly killed when the Dragon took our home.  My mother tried her best but she too succumbed to grief leaving me with no family, till Thorin stepped up.

He helped support me when we worked in the villages of Men and when we were finally able to make a temporary home in the Blue Mountains, that’s when my feelings for him began to deepen.  And eventually he came to accept he felt the same for me and never did I think Thorin would ever choose a wife, he never really showed much interest in wanting to court anyone, not since we lost our home.

I reached up to the left side of my hair, brought some of the hair that rested on my back to the front but something was missing.  No it-it cannot be! I looked down at my hair and brushed through it with my fingers and couldn’t see the courting beads Thorin had braided into my hair.  Not only that but some of the strand felt uneven (particularly where the braid once rested).

My heart raced as I tried to remember where and when the last time I felt the braid was. Obviously it was still intact at Rivendell, the Goblin tunnels I still had it, when Azog attacked us and—oh makk an E ha’ak!  When I fought alongside Dwalin, Fili, Kili and Bilbo to hold off the orcs from Thorin before the eagles came, one of them must’ve cut my braid off without my knowing!

A million thoughts were racing through my head.  First it was to curse the orc that did this and that I vowed to kill them if they ever show themselves again.  But most of my thoughts trailed back to Thorin.  What would he say? How will he react? Will he still want to be my One? Will he be furious that I lost his courting bead?

In our customs, a courting bead is so precious and is never given away lightly (especially if your One is someone like Thorin is).  By gaining the bead you’ve not only come to accept your One’s feelings for you, but also accept a courtship and eventual marriage to bond the two of you into one. Losing it or returning it is like having your heart getting grind up, slammed with a forging hammer until it’s nothing but tiny little pieces and then returning the heart to the one who gave you the courting bead.

And never have I once undid the braid nor removed the bead from my hair ever since Thorin gave it to me.  Everyone knew where it lied and if they saw it gone……what would the other’s think? I was so focused on my thoughts that I barely registered that I had walked into someone. When I looked up I had seen that I had walked into Gandalf.

“Oh Gandalf, forgive me.”

“No worries my dear (Y/n).” he looked me over and continued, “You seem to be worried about something.” I looked around to see if any of the others were nearby.  When I saw that no one was within hearing range, I asked Gandalf to come closer to my height with my two fingers.  He knelt down and I whispered to him.

“I’ve lost Thorin’s courtship braid.” He separated from me for a bit as I further explained, “It must’ve been that orc I faced off against when Azog caught us along the Misty Mountains. Gandalf, what if Thorin takes notice of it? Or someone already has and will tell him?”

“Now, now my dear, let’s not jump to conclusions.”

“But Gandalf you know what courting braids mean in our culture. You know what losing one’s courting bead means? I—I can’t lose Thorin. Not again, especially not after last night. He’s all I have left in this world.” He placed both of his hands on my shoulder.

“Thorin may be stubborn but I know he would never do that to you. You both have been through far too much to let something like this be the final straw to divide you both. Remember it’s not just him that’s helped you, you have helped him as well.”

He wasn’t lying. After his grandfather’s death and his father going missing, Thorin was practically lost in how to help our people. Whilst I too, grieved over my father I also had to support Thorin for he was hurting just as much as I was.  We depend on each other and support one another, the other’s beacon of light in the dark mines.

“But how do I tell him Gandalf?” I asked uncertainly.

“You’ll know just what to say my dear girl.” I took a deep breath then exhaled.

“Okay Gandalf, I trust you.”

“And you’ve learned to never doubt it.” He gave me a soft wink before going on his way.  I took a deep breath before heading back to rejoin the others.

The day was spent helping Bilbo train with his sword, scouting out for Azog or his orc pack, and helping Oin with Thorin’s wounds.  Which was what was happening right now, I held onto Thorin’s hand as Oin was once again flushing out the slightly infected bites and stitching them back up. Thorin was tense throughout the whole process.

He never did like to show pain whenever he had to get patched up.  Said he was afraid that others would view him as weak.

“Alright Thorin, just continue to not move about so much and those wounds will heal up quickly.”

“Thank you Oin. I know I’m skilled as a healer but I am nowhere near your degree of knowledge.” I told him.

“Do not doubt your own skills milady.” He told me.  “We’ll be lucky to have you as our Queen once we reclaim the throne. The first Dwarf Queen to be skilled in the knowledge of healing that could be rivaled by the Elves.” Him saying that suddenly gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach.  As much as I do trust Gandalf in his words from earlier, there’s still a lingering shadow of fear that’s clung itself onto my like a thorn that won’t come out.  He soon left Thorin and I alone and I heard my One say.

“He’s right you know.” I turned to him.  “Never before as a Dwarf woman been so knowledgeable about herbs, healing methods and skills as you have my beloved. Erebor will be lucky to have you as it’s Queen.” He cupped the side of my face, “My only regret is that it will take us longer to get there.”

“Your health is what we should be focused on right now. I would rather Erebor have a King in good health rather than poor or worse dead.” I brushed the long strands of hair from his face before I began braiding it.

“Every hour lost hasten Durin’s day.” I rolled my eyes.

“Thorin. Durin’s day is not going anywhere. It lies on the same day as it always does. Not a week before not a week after. As I said, I would rather have you in good health to rule at my side, than you pushing yourself only to make your health worsen. Even if I have to bind you to this tree I will.”

“Reminds me of the time when you did just that to get me to have me teach you how to fight. Is that how you intend on delivering punishments? Bound the prisoners to trees with your tight knots?”

“Only to those truly stubborn enough not to follow either mine or Doctor Oin’s orders.” We both laughed softly before I gave him a soft kiss.  I felt as his hand went from cupping the side of my face to going around the back of my head, right to where I knew he’d always like to stroke his courting braid.

I separated our kiss and quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled it away from my head.  Immediately I could see the thoughts spinning in his head like a spider’s web.

“What is it (Y/n)?” he asked me.

“Nothing.” I quickly said.

“It’s not nothing. Never before have you stopped me from touching your hair.”

“I—I haven’t had the chance to brush my hair yet.” Even to me that was a pathetic excuse.  Thorin’s brow rose skeptically then he asked me.

“What’s really going on?” I sighed deeply and turned my head away from him.

“I cannot say.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

“(Y/n), amrâlimê.” He lifted my chin up to look into his deep blue eyes.  “What was it you once said to me when we first began courting?”

“That there should be no secrets between us.” I answered.

“So why are you starting now?” I sighed heavily, already feeling the wetness of tears forming under my eyes.

“I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“That I’ll lose you.”

“(Y/n). These wounds of mine aren’t—”

“It’s not the wounds or in battle that I fear amrâlimê, it’s—” I took another deep breath before I took the section of my hair where he had given his courting bead and showed him how it was now gone.  As I expected his eyes widened in shock as he reached out for the cut strands of my uneven hair and brushed through them.  Almost hoping the bead would reappear along with the braid but it was gone.

“How long has it been missing?” he asked.  His voice stern as I knew he was trying to suppress his anger.

“I only noticed it this morning. My best guess is that it was the orc I was fighting with along the mountainside when Azog ambushed us. I’m sorry Thorin, this is my fault for allowing that foul creature to even graze my hair. I should’ve been more careful I should’ve been more aware of what I was carrying upon my head. I was careless, foolish and—” I was stopped by the feeling of his arms wrapped around me tightly.

“But you are not hurt, yes?”

“No.”

“Then that is enough for me.” I separated our embrace and looked at him in shock, his eyes that were once filled with shock and anger now appeared soft and gentle.

“I don’t understand. Thorin, my courtship braid to you has been severed. Your courting bead lost forever.”

“Mere objects. A new braid can be made, a new bead can be strung into your locks. But there is only one you,” he cupped my face into his hands, his thumbs gingerly stroking the apple of my cheeks just above the strands of my own beard.  “And I could not bear the thought of losing you.”

“You—you still wish to court me?”

“You are my One, (Y/n). Who else would I want as my Queen?”

“I just…..I know how special our courting traditions and symbols are. I was worried if you took notice of your bead and braid missing that you—you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“Amrâlimê,” our noses softly grazed one another’s as we stared deeply into each other’s eyes, “I would rather share one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone. You are my One, and nothing will ever change that. As I said, I can give you a new braid, I’ll find you a new bead. A more finer bead once we reach the mountain and reclaim our home. But there is only one of you. And I would be a fool to let someone like you go.”

He then pressed his forehead to mine and I shut my eyes as I felt his love and strength enter me as our forehead remained together.

“I am sorry I doubted your love Thorin.” I said after awhile of silence between us.

“There is no need for apologizes. You are always be my beloved, no matter what the world gives us…..”

“We’ll always be One.” I finished our vows that we made for one another when we first began our courtship together.  He soon moved his lips over mine and once again we kissed.  

His hand going back towards the area where my braid once stood, and I felt his fingers softly brush through those strands of hair and I felt myself finally relax under his touch.

[lowcosmic]

—— because nothing compares to you .

— 𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮 : kokichi messed up , you’re temporarily gone , and he has to spend that time alone.

— 𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚 : angst & fluff ( hurt -> comfort )

— 𝙘𝙬 : mentions of bad eating , sleep deprivation , fighting , sad stuff ( but resolved with a happy ending )

— 𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙧 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙨 : the request was too long to fit on here , it’d make up the entire story itself.

↳ kokichi spun a pencil around with his fingers , mindlessly thinking about yesterday. he glanced over to your empty seat. maybe he was too harsh on you. you’d definitely come back tomorrow , right?

→ the day before , you’d fought with each other. or , more like kokichi was fuming at you and you were just listening. even if you did decide to speak , he’d just slam your words down and mix them up to be an accusation. he’d said some pretty bad stuff , and he thoroughly regretted them now that he was looking back.

→ and then he’d just left you there. he didn’t break up or anything , he just left the room with the tension still up in the air. he didn’t even apologize for all the things he said and couldn’t take back.

→ kokichi had been “ blinded by rage , ” and as he’s heard before , anger can make you say things you’ll regret.

→ right after class , he messaged you immediately. no response came , even after the twentieth time. then he gave up and went to your house instead.

→ sprinting to your house , he got reminded on how you’d , after every school day , offer to take him home instead of walking the way. his heart stung even more.

→ when he got there , he pounded on the door. realizing no one was home , he went to the neighbors instead. he refrained from knocking down their door to ask for answers , but he did knock rather hurriedly.

→ your neighbor came out , and kokichi quickly pushed the question he’d had lodged in his throat out. “ do you know where (s/o) is? ”

→ “ ahh — they left early in the morning to go on a trip. they’ll come back , as it’s only a well deserved vacation i’m presuming. ” as kokichi listened , he thought to himself , “ well … could be worse. was this … what they were trying to tell me yesterday? …

→ he would be okay. you would be okay. everything would be okay. he’d apologize and everything would be resolved. it just had to.

→ things were not going well the first few days. kokichi had grown self aware to everything you did for him ; from self care like eating proper meals and comfort of having someone to talk to who wouldn’t scorn him every time he walked past , to someone to help him stay energized by driving him home on your motorcycle or even just cuddling with him when he needed it. he missed you dearly.

→ even worse — what if something happened to you? you didn’t respond at all — what if something bad happened? did your plane crash? — no , if it had , he would’ve heard something about that. maybe you just lost your phone or … maybe you were simply ignoring him out of spite.

→ he felt sick , physically and mentally. he hadn’t eaten healthily due to the sick feeling he got whenever he ate , just because it reminded him of you and some of his last words to you before you left. what if you found someone better? he deserved to be dumped. you deserved better.

→ on day six , he was flat out broke. he never found any reason to get a job yet , mostly because you’d help him with purchases. he had a cold from walking in the rain to avoid paying to go home. he felt horrible.

→ unlike his usual character , he had trouble keeping up a devious persona everyday without you , as silly and weak as it sounded. where did that “ i can do everything by myself ” kokichi go? was he fully gone? he just wouldn’t , and couldn’t , accept that yet. he swore later that he’d become more independent , and not let you dote on him so much anymore.

→ homework and tests? forget it. he forgot it often because he was busy hanging out with his dice gang to soothe himself a bit , not that it helped tons. he also forgot because you’d be there to remind him. if it weren’t for his capable mind , he would’ve flunked — but thankfully , he’s kokichi.

→ and then there was the issue of not sleeping. his thoughts were muddled with you. he’d hug his pillow and blankets that still smelt of you from when you were there to stay over for a few days. he’d listen to some of your favorite music tracks. but it wasn’t the same without you.

→ he waited. and waited. and waited some more.

→ message after message he sent everyday , nothing went through. until …

ding! kokichi lifted himself up from his pillow with a jolt. you replied. pictures and descriptions of where you were , what you were doing , why some of the messages may have not gone through … a signal issue. suddenly , his phone began vibrating consistently due to a flooding of messages to him — all about your days and such. and at the end … over the days , kokichi had messaged you with apologies stacked on top of each other. and at the end , an apology of your own waited for him. it was stupid , whatever he argued with you on. he didn’t understand why you’d apologize over that. and once you video called him , he made sure to say that.

→ he’d hold in his crying , both in relief and overwhelming stress. and then he heard that you were home.

→ it was pouring out , but kokichi couldn’t care less. he was meeting with you , even if you had to unpack still. his feet splashed against the puddles , and as he arrived to your door , he knocked once again.

→ when you opened the door , he tackled you in a hug. you were both drenched now , but he felt so warm inside instead. ignoring your warnings about “ catching a cold from you , kokichi ” , he dragged you upstairs so that he could finally , properly hug you.

→ the next few days after that , he was clingy. but he told you he could do some things himself. and he did … for the most part , at least. but he tried.

→ forget about being partners or talking to anyone else the next few days without being interrupted , you’re sticking with kokichi.

please don’t repost , translate , or claim my works as your own.

[chaosduckies]

Restoration (Chapter 8)

A bunch of scenes because why not? On another note, it is extremely hard to write a scene in winter when it’s the middle of April. I hope you enjoy anyhow! Because now I’m really getting into the plot.

Word Count: 5.9k

CW: Death, crying, vague thoughts of suicide, severe trauma, (anything else idk??)

8-Ryker

It was Thanksgiving break. The first official break from school until Christmas. Words could not describe how grateful I was for the week-long break. There was no reason to have so much work piled up a couple weeks before the end of first semester. 

I was laying in my bed on my phone. It was about to turn six, which meant I should probably get started on dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to climb out of bed. I was physically and mentally tired of keeping up with everyone and whatever plans they had with their friends, taking care of Isabelle and Angela since they were still little, and on top of that keep up with the chores around the house. 

I grabbed my phone off the charger, stretched out my arms and legs from laying down, and opened my door to get started on dinner. The living room was oddly quiet, with Dylan and Lucky playing a game. Isabelle playing a game with Angela on the carpet that consisted of a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets. I smiled to myself. 

“What do you guys feel like eating for dinner?” I leaned against the kitchen island, waiting for an answer. 

“Spaghetti!” Isabelle and Angela answered at the time, giggling at one another. I think I could do that. I don’t know if Lucky can though. It was the first weekend of the break and I’d probably need to go grocery shopping tomorrow anyways. 

I looked in Dylan’s direction, making them pause whatever they were playing together. He just shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever’s easier for you.” Always with the same response. 

“Ummm, I can go check what we have.” Lucky told me, getting Dylan to let him onto the floor. All I could do was wait now. Jasmine was staying over at her friends today and tomorrow. I just told her to text me if she goes anywhere far and if she needed anything. Weird, right? Usually the parent handles these kinds of things, but in the situation my siblings and I are in it’s literally impossible. 

Lucky came back, shaking his head, “We don’t have the things for spaghetti,” He laid down on the arm rest of the couch and grabbed his remote, “You should call Nathan to come over. He hasn’t been here in a while. Plus, he’s so much better at cooking than I am. Right, Angela?” 

“Yeah!” 

I bit the side of my cheek. I don’t know about that. Just asking Nathan to come over to cook and then ask him to leave? That was wrong. Plus, he told me before the break that he’ll be pretty busy. Or… texted me. Either way, I shouldn’t bother him. Maybe he actually has a meal with his family for Thanksgiving and they were all getting ready for it already. On the other hand, Lucky makes something else for him and Angela, Angela doesn’t eat, and then everything goes downhill from there. 

Looking at my phone, I picked it up, opening the messages app, and clicked on Nathan’s name. The last time he came here, Jasmine did kind of freak him out. I remember him not being able to leave anyone’s side if she was in the room. I wonder if he’d even want to come over after that. At school the next day he was a little nervous, but otherwise fine afterward, but I’m sure whatever Jasmine told him is still stuck in his mind. Ugh. This was such a bad idea. 

Ryker: I have a huge favor to ask you 

I waited for a response, watching Dylan and Lucky play a fighting game against one another. I had no idea who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it was Lucky. Actually… it was kind of weird how Lucky seemed to want Nathan around more often. Like, really weird. Especially when every time Nathan came, he would practically ditch him with me. I honestly don’t mind, I liked having Nathan come over, but still. I had wondered why, but I wasn’t going to ask. 

Nathan: Yeah?

Ryker: Do you mind coming over to help Lucky cook something? 

Ryker: You don’t have to 

Well, if he says no Lucky will have to make whatever he can and I’d have to break the news to Angela. If you didn’t know, four year olds can be a little hard to deal with sometimes. So, this might just turn out to be a very, very bad day. 

Nathan: Sure! 

Nathan: Anything specific?

I stared at his text, relief washing over me. Dylan let out a cheer from winning against Lucky. Wow. Perfect timing. I was just so grateful right now. Nathan was literally the greatest friend ever. Now I have to think of someway to thank him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? 

Ryker: They wanted spaghetti

Ryker: And thank you  

Nathan: No problem :)

Ryker: I guess I’ll be at the bus stop in about twenty minutes? 

Nathan: Okay 

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, “Okay, I’ll be right back, just text me if something happens.” I told Dylan, who nodded his head. And with that, I walked out the door and into the cold air. 

———Nathan———

Winters in the city were bad. But not as bad as when we were still help captive. Now those days were terrible. Horrifying even. It was still freakishly cold here. Not something I enjoy. For several reasons really. One being that I already get cold really easily. Two, I just hated being cold and sick. And the most important reason being that it was during this kind of weather when my dad had died. Actually, in three days it’s officially been nine years since my dad died. November 24. A long time, right? 

It hurts. The memories. Not just of him but how they brutally murdered him in front of his own child. I shuddered at the sight pictured in my mind. Nope. Can’t think about that. Right now I should probably be getting ready to head over to the bus stop. I already had packed a tiny bag with the things I needed to cook. Weird enough, it was kind of a therapy for me at this point. To be cooking I mean. I guess that’s why my mom always gets worried when I’m baking for no reason. Because she knows. 

I sighed, giving my mom a quick text that I was heading over to Ryker’s for a little while. The last time I went, I thought everything was going great before Jasmine talked to me alone. everyone had left to go looking for something and it was just her and I. I was scared of course. We’ve never, ever talked before and from what I’ve gathered she’s really intimidating. 

Her exact words to me were: “If you hurt my brother in any way I will personally murder you.” and that was was it took for me to have an entire mental breakdown for nearly two weeks. I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if someone’s sibling threatened you like that? So, the week before the break, I might have been acting a little weird around Ryker, afraid that I might actually do something wrong or hurt him in any way, which I don’t really see how I could. 

Otherwise, I haven’t really been doing anything. I told Ryker that I would be busy during the break, but really I wasn’t. Only because I do actually have something to do on November 24, and I was already feeling the depression spikes as the day came closer and closer. As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom and I never do anything. Last year we were barely getting used to being in the mental hospital so we didn’t really do anything. This year she’s working so it’ll just be me. Nothing new. 

I made my way down the icy streets, the sun setting faster and faster. It was only getting colder, and I didn’t really have a winter jacket. Just some to wear in the classroom like when it’s freezing in there. So, yeah, I was basically freezing my face off. Not to mention that my mom told me it might snow later tonight since it was already under twenty degrees outside. I wasn’t used to cold weather. 

Once I made it to the bus stop, I snuggled up with my bag on the bench, trying to have some kind of warmth. Also because there were several people (giants) who were going back home from stores or getting off of work. The bus stop was actually used for both humans and giants. The human was a little ways from the huge one that was practically as tall as a skyscraper. Maybe taller. 

My hands were shaky from the cold, but it was only another five minutes before Ryker would come and hopefully I wouldn’t be as cold. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t know what today has in store for me. All I knew was that I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket with some hot chocolate and binge watch something on tv. 

Ryker came a few minutes later, smiling and giving a thanks before offering a hand. I threw the bag on first before struggling to get on. It was hard when the ground underneath you was starting to freeze over, but I figured it out after trying for a good minute. 

“You’re freezing.” Ryker told me, cupping his hand just a little. Sure, it was scary to have his fingers closer to me, but still, it was warm. How could I deny something that was practically calling me? 

  “That good?” He smiled, for some reason making sure I was comfortable. But I was not about to complain. I was desperate at this point. I nodded my head, bringing my knees closer to my chest to keep some of my body warmth with me. And yet another reason I hate winter. 

“Thanks again. Sorry for bothering you.” 

I continuously shook my head, hoping he would get the message that it was fine. Plus, I liked going over. Everyone was nice (Besides Jasmine I’m pretty sure she hates me) and never really tried to do anything too crazy with me. It was great. I’m not as afraid anymore, which was a miracle given I thought I could never trust anyone ever again, and I’ve actually made some friends. 

Ryker opened the door to his house, where we found them all watching a movie together. Everyone turned their heads as soon as the door closed behind Ryker. I jumped slightly, but relaxed after a while. Nothing to be afraid of. Dylan’s eyes landed on me, giving a smile and a two fingered wave. I waved back, but I doubt he could see it. 

I was set down on the ground, not entirely expecting to be in a tight hug the second I balanced myself. Lucky bursted out laughing, letting me go, “You are literally the best, Nathan.” I laughed with him, following Lucky into the room. 

——————

I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. Of course Ryker tried to convince me to eat something, but I always answered no. Otherwise, dinner was okay. They had Lucky, Angela and I on the coffee table, which wasn’t really too big of a deal. I’m pretty sure Ryker and Dylan just didn’t want to handle any humans while they were eating, and hey, I was not about to say anything about it. There are just some things that will never leave my mind. 

After everyone ate, Dylan and Lucky started playing a game on the tv while Isabelle and Angela were playing hide and seek I’m pretty sure. I just hoped that no one would get hurt, but Ryker quickly reassured me that they would never harm one another. I just had to believe him. Most of his siblings are stuck together like glue. Which is a good thing. 

“It’s supposed to start snowing in a little bit.” Ryker announced, earning cheers from the other room where I was guessing Angela and Isabelle were. I was sitting on the arm rest of the couch by Ryker. I kind of wished that their house was a little warmer, because I was still annoyingly cold, but beggars can’t be choosers. I should have asked to grab a blanket. 

“Nice. Are we gonna go out?” Dylan asked, eyes glued to the screen. I had no idea who was winning, but I think it was him. 

“If you want to.” 

Ryker threw his phone on the other side of the couch, turning his head to the screen. I don’t want to go outside, but I’ll go if that makes things easier. I just don’t want to be in the snow. Reasons. Remember? 

It was about ten minutes later that it did actually start snowing. Angela and Isabelle were begging Ryker to let them outside, which he just laughed to and told them to get jackets on and to bring their hats. Dylan paused their game to go get on a jacket, and Ryker left to go help Isabelle. So I was alone in the living room while everyone was busy to go have some fun. I hated winter. In just three days. I reminded myself. 

What would happen? Would someone else be claimed victim? Something bad always happens during this time. I don’t know if it was just me. It probably was. Everyone else was smiling while I was crying in the corner. It’s how it was in the hospital. They all went outside if they could, and I stayed in my room, under the blankets and shove my face into my pillow to drown out my tears. I couldn’t do that now though. Not when so many people had their eyes on me. Not when a trip back to the hospital was a very viable option for me. I didn’t want to go back. Not because of something… traumatic that happened nine years ago. I should be over it, right? But I’m not. 

There goes one of my depression spells. Great. Just great. At a time like this? I sucked in a deep breath, calming myself down before anyone notices. This was embarrassing. 

Ryker came back into the room, eyes landing on me with an unsure look on his face. He walked up to me, holding a hand out. Was he not going to wear any gloves? He wouldn’t be cold? I stood up, keeping my balance on the soft surface underneath me and walking to climb onto his hand. 

“You don’t mind if I just keep you in my hand, right? I don’t want you to be freezing.” He asked. I shook my head, sitting down in the middle of his palm. That was actually what I preferred. I did not plan whatsoever to go into the snow anyways. 

Once everyone was outside, Ryker sat down on the stairs, cupping his hand and keeping me close. A little uneasy about it, but there was really no reason to be. It’s just instinct. And everything in me right now is saying to get the hell inside. But I wasn’t going to say that. Mostly because I don’t want to be alone.  

They were all screaming and laughing. It was snowing pretty hard too, already covering most of the frosted grass just after ten minutes. Other people were also sitting outside. Their kids playing around with the snow. I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I found myself scooting back slowly, almost to where I couldn’t see the heavy fall of the white flakes. 

My body was still freezing. It was so much colder than before. Was this how dad felt? The cold pricking at his skin I mean. 

“Nathan?” My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice above me. I groaned, body shaking and stuffing my hands in my pockets to preserve some of my body heat. I shuddered a breath, trembling. It’s so cold… How could they even be having fun like this? I looked ahead, seeing Dylan helping Isabelle make a small snowman with both Angela and Lucky stuffed in his scarf. This was just another one of my depression spells. 

“Still cold?” Ryker asked me. I took a deep breath, “Y-Yeah…” It came out more like a quiet mumble, and I was surprised that he even heard me. Did he want to help them make a snowman? He probably did. I should just tell him to leave me inside. It would make things a million times easier for everyone. 

Ryker moved his hand a bit, making me worried about what he was trying to do, but he just kept it the same. I wondered why he was going through all this trouble just for me. There was really no point. There was only a couple more months until graduation and then we’d go our separate ways. That’s how it always goes. I’d be alone again, figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. That’s how my story goes. 

“Better?” 

I nodded my head, getting to a comfortable position and decided to just watch what they were all doing. Finishing up the head of the snowman. It was comfy even though I was kind of scared from being in someone’s hand. At least now that is. Currently I was just afraid of falling into the deep snow. I’m pretty sure if I fell I’d sink into it. Not something I would like to see or imagine. 

“You okay?” Ryker asked, softly smiling above me. There was no other response other than to nod. I couldn’t just say no. That wouldn’t do any good. But.. maybe if he notices that these next few days would be hard for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I doubt it though. I don’t plan on being here all of the time anyways. I couldn’t. 

Isabelle finished the snowman, grabbing some loose twigs for arms as they stepped back. It was still snowing, just not as much. Was dad watching me right now? Was he shocked just as much as I was? I never thought I’d ever be able to be around another giant for as long as I had lived, and here I am, sitting in one of their hands. Would he think I was crazy? Delusional? Psycho? Happy like my mom even? I would never know, but even I think I was crazy. 

Actually… why did I even trust Ryker? Or really anyone. They’re all so nice of course, but about four months ago I was so sure that every giant would only hurt me, and it almost became true with that lunch incident that felt like forever ago. So why did I trust these people with my life? In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this was all just a sick joke being played on me. But… I don’t think these people are lying about anything. They don’t have a reason to. And Ryker’s been nothing but patient, and kind, and… understanding. No one would go through all that trouble just to fool someone as gullible as me. 

I sighed, snuggling up closer to Ryker’s thumb and watching Isabelle throw snowballs at Dylan who was shielding Lucky and Angela from the crossfire. Was it scary being there? In the midst of everything? Having to trust someone at least fifty times your size to keep you safe? I sucked in a shaky breath, just watching. It wasn’t so bad really. 

———Ryker———

Today was November 24. Thanksgiving was here, and everything was a complete mess. I never learned how to make a turkey like the tradition, so usually I just made something that all of us had liked. Along with that, I had to make sure no one did anything too crazy while I was busy in the kitchen. Jasmine and Dylan were helping out cooking while I ordered something for Lucky and Angela. They both agreed on pizza (Because what else does a fourteen year-old and a four year-old want) so now I was busy with that. That part was mostly because Angela didn’t like when Lucky cooks something different. 

It was just pure chaos now. Everyone was running around the house, and at that point I had to ask Jasmine to keep an eye on Angela to make sure she didn’t wander off where we couldn’t find her. I wasn’t too worried about Lucky since he’s almost always with Dylan, plus he’s smart enough to stay off the floor when it’s something like this. 

I took out the lasagna, letting it cool down before making separate plates. Yeah, I know, super weird, but I can’t do anything better. I only know the basics thanks to my parents, and that was all I needed to know. 

There was a knock on the door, and I asked Dylan to open it. It was just the pizza. I washed whatever dishes I had and called everyone that dinner was ready. It’s days like this where I wished that my parents never left. I feel like I can never be like them even though I was the oldest. I mean, was I just supposed to let CPS split us all apart? I couldn’t do that. My siblings would never forgive me. I like to think that they’re all happy, but I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help any of them. Like I’m doing this “parenting” thing all wrong. Of course I was. I was seventeen in my last year of high school taking care of five kids on my own while also juggling a job and trying to do fun things with them so we can forget about what happened a little over a year ago. There was no reason for one person to be doing all of this. 

It was snowing outside again. Not really surprising when you’ve lived here for your entire life. It was really nice though. I loved the cold. Weird, because most people don’t, but I do. I remember my parents freaking out when I would just be outside making a snowman in just a short sleeve and sweatpants when I was a kid. Of course it was so cold it burned, but I guess I kind of liked it? It was hard to explain. Or sometimes we’d stay inside and watch movies or play a game. I missed it really. 

“Ry.” Jasmine snapped her fingers in front of me to get my attention. I blinked a couple times before giving a clueless look. She groaned, “I asked if I could go shopping tomorrow, I have work the next three days so I just wanna go do something.”

“Oh, um, sure.” 

The tv was playing in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was paying attention to anything. Dylan, Jasmine, and Lucky were all laughing about something. What were they laughing about again? Something about going back to school? I don’t even want to think about that right now. I needed a break anyways. Most of my classes love giving me piles and piles of work anyways. 

I sighed, pushing away my plate that I had barely eaten. The sun has already set, everyone was done eating, Angela asked Jasmine if she could go outside in the snow. She said yes, and so Isabelle followed. Dylan and Lucky were helping me wash the remaining dishes. Honestly I already felt so tired. It was only 8 p.m but my eyes threatened to close at any moment. 

“You okay, Ry?” Dylan asked, putting a plate up in the cabinet. 

“Yeah.” I replied, handing him another to dry. Lucky shook his head while continuously saying “no” over and over again. At some point Dylan grew tired of it and pressed the pad of his thumb into Lucky’s entire upper half of his body. 

“He’s not wrong. You’re always like this on holidays.” 

“I am?” I sighed, not really knowing how to get out of this one. These two have always been vigilant anyways. They would have noticed at some point. 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t know. I just feel really tired today.”  

“That’s it?” 

“Mhm.” 

Dylan gave me a skeptical look before putting in another plate. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t think he ever will about these kinds of things. 

“Why don’t you call Nathan? You always seem happier around him.” 

I stopped only for a second, then continued to scrub off something on the pan I used. No. I won’t call him. Not this time. No matter how many times he’s actually made me feel better just by being here. I’ve noticed I was happier around him too, but it’s only short lived since he always goes back at the end of the day. Do I know why I was happier? Not really. I’ve thought of a few reasons. Because he’s the only friend I’ve made since middle school. He listens to me ramble on and on about the most useless information. Best of all he’s really nice. Doesn’t really seem like he’s tricking me either. Not that I think he could even if he wanted to. He was too sweet. 

“No.” I sighed. Cleaning out the sink and handing off the last dish. 

“Why not?” Dylan asked leaning against the counter. 

“Cause I’m tired. No point in calling if I’m just going to fall asleep,” I countered, drying my hands and heading to my room, “Make sure Isabelle and Angela are asleep by 10? Please?”  

Dylan nodded his head, I closed the door behind me and buried myself under the covers of my bed. I can’t keep on relying on Nathan to come fix every problem I have. He’s probably off dealing with whatever he’s doing right now anyways. But still, my hand reached for my phone, grabbing it and opening the messages app. I’m just gambling with myself at this point. If he answers in the next ten minutes I’ll ask to call, if he doesn’t, I’ll head to sleep. Either way it’s really a win-win. And here it goes. 

———Nathan———

I was laying on my bed, under the covers. No lights, no sounds, just nothing. I had cried earlier this morning when I visited his grave. My eyes were dry now. Red and puffy. I just sat curling in on myself while clutching the same teddy bear he gave me when I was still just a kid. It was childish, but if it’s all I have left of him then I’m taking advantage of that. 

Ironic, huh? How this holiday was supposed to bring family together. It was actually the opposite for me. Even though he didn’t actually die on this holiday, it’s just ironic how it happened this year. When we’re finally free and live like a “normal” family now. Was he watching me now? Sad and lonely in my bed? I hope he wasn’t. He’d scold me. 

My phone went off, but I didn’t feel like looking at it. It’s not like I wanted to be alone. Usually my mom would cheer me up by taking my mind off of it. Whether it was playing some makeshift game or just doing something I liked with me. What else was there to say? This year was the year I was completely alone. 

I sucked in a deep breath, picking up my phone with sore arms. I spent most of the day digging out the old flowers on his grave and replacing them with new ones. It was hard to do when a thin sheet of snow was covering most of the dirt and grass, but it was worth it to see the bright a beautiful colors. His favorites were lilacs. I remember mom telling me that. 

My eyes shot up when I saw who texted me. Ryker? I mean it was already night, so I doubt he was going to ask if I wanted to go over. But… I was kind of curious now. 

Ryker: Hey

Ryker: How was your day? 

Ryker: You’re probably doing something right now but I’d just thought I’d check what you were doing 

Sent five minutes ago. Why did he want to know what I was doing? It seemed weird to me, but maybe he was just bored. Did they celebrate? I hope they did. They seem to be happy with each other. 

Nathan: It was okay :) 

Nathan: And yours? 

Ryker: Chaotic

Nathan: Oh 

I wasn’t technically lying. My day was okay despite crying for most of it. 

Ryker: Yeahhh 

Ryker: Do you feel like calling? 

Ryker: You don’t have to of course 

I thought about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Might keep my mind occupied.

  Nathan: Sure 

And so he called. 

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired and sad, like he just woke up or something. I couldn’t find my voice. It’s become rasp from sobbing anyways. It’d be embarrassing for it to sound like that over the phone. So hopefully it’ll get better in the morning. 

“Oh, right,” He sighed, “Sorry. I just felt like talking and usually you listen. You can just hang up if you don’t want to though.” He sounded nervous, but I didn’t want to hang up. Not only because it was the wrong thing to do, but because I always loved listening to what he was saying. No matter how irrelevant it was. It distracted my mind from everything wrong with me. And he seemed to like it when I did. 

Nathan: I’m listening 

I heard him let out a little chuckle before talking. I could hear at some points it sounded like he was going to cry, and some he sounded like he was so hurt, and sometimes he’d laugh. He changed the subject multiple times, but I kind of liked it. I just wished I could help in some other way. It sounded to me like he was stressed out and just wanted someone to be there, and I’m surprised none of his siblings were. Or maybe they were, but he just doesn’t want to put all of this on them. It seemed like something he would do. 

By the time he was done, it was an hour before midnight. Funny thing was, I wasn’t tired anymore. I was putting together pieces in my mind still about everything he had talked about. How he was mentally tired of juggling five things around at once. I would be too if I were him. How he’s been more and more exhausted by the end of the day. How his parents usually did all of these kinds of things. I was going to ask what happened to them, but I feel like that was a touchy subject. Especially when he just vented to me. I don’t mind though. Not at all. 

“Oh crap. Sorry for keeping you up.” Ryker apologized, saying sorry about five times before I texted him that it was okay. I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. 

“Thanks. Y’know. For listening.” I heard him yawn on the other side. He was the one tired. I silently laughed to myself, hugging the bear closer to my chest. If only he could see me now… this was embarrassing. He’d probably make fun of me for it. I wouldn’t care. 

“You’re too nice, you know that?” I heard shuffling on the other side of the phone. Probably Ryker getting ready to go to sleep. And I know this was selfish, but I didn’t want him to hang up. I didn’t want my mind to realize that I was alone again. Was is it really selfish then? To me, yes. It feels like I was making him do something he didn’t want to. 

“Hey, um, remember when you tried hugging me that one time? Why’d you do it?” He had asked, and I could practically see his face. Confused and happy at the same time. He was talking about when I had to stay overnight. I knew that would come up eventually, just not so soon. 

Nathan: Nobody’s ever been so nice to me before. Besides my mom of course 

Nathan: But I was kind of shocked you agreed without complaining 

Nathan: Are you mad about it?

“Mad? Nononono. Um, the complete opposite really,” He laughed quietly, “I was shocked, yeah, but happy too.” 

That gets rid of the guilt. I swear I thought I ruined everything between us, but now I know what he really thought. He wasn’t mad at me for anything. 

“What about the other day? When it was snowing. You looked comfortable. Like you were about to sleep.” My cheeks started blushing from embarrassment. I had hoped he didn’t see me snuggling closer into his palm to stay warm, but apparently he did. So embarrassing. I groaned quietly to myself, tightly hugging the bear closer. 

Nathan: Sorry 

Nathan: I was cold 

Nathan: You were warm 

Nathan: Sorry again 

It was silent for a second. 

“Why do you apologize for things like that?” 

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Usually my mind just takes over and then I spiral into the worst possible scenarios. So I have no idea why I do. Maybe because my brain thinks I’ll get hurt if I don’t? My body was scared of getting another broken bone or something getting hurt? 

Nathan: I don’t know 

It was silent again. 

“Do… do you like being around me? I-I mean most people stop talking to me as soon as they get what they want. So, I was just wondering.” His voice sounded hurt. Obviously this ha sharpened once or twice to him. And it hurt to hear that these things have happened to someone so amazing. I could never do that to Ryker. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him. 

“Y-yes.” I almost immediately replied, my voice a little raspy. It hurt to speak, but it was fine. It’ll get better in time. 

I heard him let out a sigh of relief, and I smiled. I was finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I’m kind of glad this was how the day ended. 

“I would give you a hug if you were here… and if you were comfortable enough with it,” We both laughed quietly, “I’ll let you go to sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.” 

I shook my head, forgetting that he wasn’t here to see it. I didn’t want him to go. Then again he sounded exhausted. Then I would be the one keeping him up. Or he doesn’t even have to stay awake. Just the knowledge that I knew he was just on the other side of the phone was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone. 

“U-Um you d-don’t have to s-stay up b-but could we stay… stay on call? P-Please.” I waited for an answer, biting my tongue for stuttering so much. My body was shaky for no reason. I was nervous. He was going to say no. He was going to say no. He was going to- 

“I would love that.” 

I wish he could see the smile I had on my face. How fast my heart was beating. I laid down under the covers, getting comfortable and staring at my phone that read: Ryker: 3:14. Three hours and fourteen minutes. Another seven won’t hurt. 

“Thank you.” 

I fell asleep a couple minutes after he did. No nightmares haunted me tonight.

—————————————

My heart is meltinggggggg

By the way, this was not the great scene I was talking about. This was just one of many to make the one I actually want to write make sense.

Anywayssss I told you guys it would be a little plot heavy for a while! I loved how this chapter came out though.

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Love you guys!

[findingmypeace]

How did night 1 of IOP go?

Hi, thanks for asking. It went well but by the end I felt very overwhelmed. I finished my meal and had no b/ping yesterday. I only managed this by restricting all day. I hate myself finishing on the first day. The ed thoughts were screaming at me. I feel very, very uncomfortable in my body. I would give anything to be back at the weight I was 5 yrs ago, I feel like today is much harder. I’ve already purged (no binging). I didn’t get enough up so I’m afraid of eating dinner. This is so hard. I really want to make progress and I know I have to challenge myself. I’m not giving up because it’s tough. I’m going to keep fighting.

I also feel overwhelmed from talking about my life and we just scratched the surface. I was able to keep it together but it’s really hard to stay grounded or to not get overly emotional or depressed.

(Edit: Thank you for asking this question. 🙂 I started to answer it that day but now it’s been in my drafts. Posting it now.)

Just as an update, I still feel similar to the above, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I can get to a place of recovery. No one can force me. It has to come from me. I’m trying to take more initiative in every way that I can but food is still a huge struggle. I am starting day 4 with no b/ping but I’ve fallen way back on keeping up with hydration. I’ve also been having a hard time with feeling so disconnected from this process. It’s like I’m at iop and I’m engaging in it but my I’m not feeling connected to what I’m doing. And when I go home it feels like, out of sight, out of mind. I am trying to fight it but it’s so difficult to ground myself. I really appreciate having the extra support.

[bratprincezz]

"Open My Eyes..." Chapter Three

(very little use of ‘Y/N’) 3,881 words Beta Read and co-written by my husband. General Warnings : (the first link on the SERIES MASTERLIST) apply to future chapters. Also, you can see all of the dragons and other animals I’ve created in the series masterlist (link below)

SERIES MASTERLIST

Aemond spent the next few weeks following you around like a puppy, though he tried to hide it and his natural swagger helped. That isn’t how he saw it, but Aegon frequently teased him about his newest interest. You, on the other hand, were still unsure of his intentions since you still hadn’t talked about the kiss.

You and Aemond were walking to the library together. You had just finished training and Aemond was teasing you about your fighting style. “I wouldn’t say you fight in a…conventional way.”

You knew what he was really saying, which made you sigh. “You can fight to live or you can die honourably. At least I’m ethical.”

“How’s that?”

“I give my enemy a quick death.”

“I haven’t killed anyone, yet.”

“Try not to look forward to it.” You looked at him, “It isn’t what the songs and stories make it out to be.”

Later, you were both sitting and reading when Aemond suddenly broke the silence. “What age did you first ride?”

“I was eight when I rode my first dragon, Gaelithox.”

You traded stories. Your favourite was how and why Aemond got the sapphire for a false eye. You frequently rode your dragons together. He was only soft and gentle with you, not counting when you trained together. His tenderness towards you was evident to everyone. Soft whispers and stolen glances at meal times did not go unnoticed by Otto.

You didn’t see Aemond that next night at supper, but you had made some soup because you were feeling homesick. You needed to see Aemond and talk about the kiss, so you came up with the excuse to bring Aemond some food, as he’d not come to supper nor did he request anything to eat. You stood staring at his door as though you’d lost your wits. What were you going to say? It was a mistake? Should you apologize again? You knocked and waited, hearing a shuffle and a muffled, ‘Come in.’ You walked into Aemond’s quarters and sat down the tray at his table. It had a bowl of soup, along with bread, cheese, and a fruit.

He perked at your presence. “What is this?”

“It’s cactus soup.”

“Really?”

“It’s edible, I promise. I made it myself. It’s from the prickly pear cactus. There are two of the pears, right here.”

Aemond straightened at that, tossing one of the many scrolls on his desk aside. You had cooked?

“It’s not much, but you didn’t come to dinner—“

“No, it’s great.” He sat at the table and pulled up an extra chair. “Sit? Please.”

You did as he asked. He loved your soup and ate every bit. He hadn’t eaten all day and your meal hit the spot. You traded stories and bonded while he ate, but it was an hour later and you knew your friend Jaera would like to get her rest. You had completely forgotten why you wanted to talk to him. “I’m afraid I’ve been keeping you from something important that you would like to get back to.”

“Not at all, really. Just reading announcements.”

“Still,” you stood up to leave. Aemond softly took your hand, but you worried. “The hour grows late.”

Though Aemond wished you would stay, he knew you were right. It wouldn’t be appropriate for you to be visiting privately so late. “Have a good evening.” He let you have your hand back and you continued on your way.

CACTUS SOUP W/ CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

1 large soup pot

1 1/4 cups chopped white onion

1 cup diced bell peppers

1 tablespoon oil

3 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 habanero chili, seeded and minced

1 pound tomatoes (2 large), cored, peeled, and chopped (or 15oz of canned crushed tomatoes)

1 1/2 cup Nopalitos (cactus)

2 quarts chicken stock

1 teaspoon dried oregano (preferably Mexican oregano if you have it)

1 teaspoon salt, more to taste

1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken thighs

1/3 cup lime juice (from 2 to 4 limes, depending on the size)

1/2 bunch cilantro, roughly chopped

——————

1 1/4 cups chopped white onion

1 cup diced bell peppers 

1 tablespoon oil

Sauté. Cook until peppers are soft and onions are translucent, about 8 minutes. 

——————

3 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 habanero chili, seeded and minced

Add the garlic, minced habanero, and cook 2 minutes longer.

——————

1 pound tomatoes (2 large), cored, peeled, and chopped (or 1 cup of canned crushed tomatoes)

Add the canned (or  peeled chopped tomatoes) to the onions. 

——————

1 1/2 cup Nopalitos (cactus)

2 quarts chicken stock

1 teaspoon dried oregano (preferably Mexican oregano if you have it)

1 teaspoon salt, more to taste

Add the stock, oregano, Nopalitos, and one teaspoon of salt.

——————

1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken thighs 

After simmering 15 minutes, adde Chicken and cook 10-15 minutes.

——————

  1/3 cup lime juice (from 2 to 4 limes, depending on the size)

  1/2 bunch cilantro, roughly chopped

After removing pot from heat, add the lime juice and cilantro.

Aemond stirred as you snuck into his room through a secret passage. He sat up and watched as the tiny flame danced around the room. “Who is it?”

You moved the light to show your face clearly. “It’s me.” You set the candle down on his desk. Then you turned to him in bed and began to pull your nightclothes down, but you paused because it looked like his one remaining eye was going to pop out of his head. “Is this okay?”

“Princess… What about your virtue?”

“I haven’t been a maid since I was fifteen.”

Aemond’s cheeks flushed at your confession. He was happy the room was dark so you couldn’t see. “Princess…” He couldn’t believe his luck. He wasn’t a virgin, but the sight of the woman who had been on his mind, standing in front of him, asking if she can fuck him? Was it another dream like the other he’d had of you? “Princess, the small council has decided to offer you an engagement to Daeron.”

You giggled at the way he sounded when he told you. As though he needed to get it out of the way. “I know.”

You were really offering yourself to him. Not because he was paying, he hates paying for it. It wasn’t because he was a prince; you were a princess and would most likely marry a prince or a king. “Say that you want me and not my brother.”

“I want you. Not your brother. Either of them.”

Aemond silently nodded, so you continued until you were fully exposed in front of him. He swallowed thickly and already felt himself growing hard. Could he really be this lucky? Was he soon to be inside of you?

You pulled his sheets away (of course he slept in the nude) and you straddled his lap. He had forgotten about his eye patch and covered his sapphire eye with his hand, but you put your hand on top of his. “Let me see.” You kissed his face, where you could see his scar still.

“You’re not disgusted?”

You gave him a gentle smile, “You can see my scars.” Indeed, you had battle scars along the front of your body and on your arms. You kissed the hand covering his eye, then you sat back. “I didn’t think you were so uncomfortable with it. I’ve heard stories about you showing it off—“

“Oh, you’ve heard stories, have you?” He removed his hand. His body was tense, teeth clenched. He was defensive as you looked at his beautiful sapphire. “I’ve heard stories about your people, too. Whores, the lot of you. Taking multiple lovers. Interbreeding with the savage natives of Sothoryos—“

You pushed him down. “Never,” your nails dug into his chest. “Speak of me or my people or my famly that way again.” You pulled your hands away, slowly. “The natives aren’t what everyone says they are. Not all of them.” When you felt him relax, you noticed his hardening cock under you. “I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I’ve seen lots of things on the battlefield, and before, and after.” You kissed him, “But…” You touched your cheek to his. “I have never seen anything more beautiful than your face. All of it.” You slowly lifted your hand, long enough for him to stop you, but he didn’t. First, following the scar from top to bottom, then you kissed under his false eye. “Ketsaltik.” (‘Handsome.’)

His finger followed a scar on your shoulder.

“I didn’t come in here to start an argument.” You kissed him again, pushing your tongue into his mouth. “I came here because I want you inside of me. Mitsnikneki nechiitik.” (‘I want you.’) You ran your fingers over his nipples, causing him to shudder. 

Aemond sat up again. His hands grazed up your thighs, “And you appear to know exactly what you want.” He squeezed the globes of your ass when he reached them. “And how to get it.”

“I only hoped you wanted me. I wasn’t sure after the day I was showing you the map.”

He held on to your hips, moving you to grind against him. “What would possibly give you that idea?” 

“The way you completely changed the subject after I kissed you. And before that, when you pulled away from me.”

“I wanted to kiss you too, but the small council decid—“

“Otherwise known as your family.”

Aemond sighed. “They wanted you with Daeron, and I was only doing what I thought was right for my family.”

“What’s right for you?”

“This.” He pulled you down and kissed you. Aemond bit at your earlobe and whispered, “Use me the way you envisioned when you thought of this moment.”

“My Prince.”

“Call me Aemond. Call me whatever you wish.”

“Okay.” You smiled and gently pinched his chin, keeping your fingers there as you spoke. “But I want you to keep calling me Princess.” Your hand traveled from his chin down to his groin. He was fully hard now, ready to be fucked, his one eye was dark & half-lidded. He laid back again and that eye closed when your hand wrapped around him firmly and you started pumping. When he finally looked at you again, you positioned yourself over him and you both watched as you sank down onto his length. His deep exhale told you how pent up he was. “Has it been such a long time?”

“I’m very particular. A woman has to pique my interest; keep my attention.” His grip on your waist tightened while you rubbed your clit. He watched as you pleasured yourself with him inside you, but not for long. He started by encouraging you up and down his length. You slowly ground into him and he grunted, “I’ve tried relieving myself, fighting, drinking, training, and nothing has felt as good as this.”

You whimpered as he sped you up. “You almost make it sound like it’s your first time.” He latched his mouth onto one of your nipples. Your fingers carded through his loose strands then you lightly pinched your pearl. “Mmm… But I can tell it’s not.” You moved your hips up & down, and he groaned. You looked into his eye as you sped up. Eventually, you were fucking him as hard as you could, your hips slammed into his. He thought he might explode when your hand went around his neck and you squeezed just enough to let him know who was currently in charge. “Who am I?”

He moaned as you slammed down on him. 

You were so close. “Tell me who I am,” you whined.

“My Princess.” He fucked up into you with the same ferocity.

While keeping eye contact with him, you gripped onto his shoulders and you cried out, “Fuck! Aemond!” It was like connecting to his soul. You were in a daze as you came and Aemond continued fucking you through your climax. He slowed down temporarily, while you came to your senses. You tried to help Aemond achieve the same end by speeding up again.

He pulled you in by your neck to kiss you passionately. “My Princess has a mouth on her.” He took over then, fucking up into you to chase his own high, but when he was close, he slowed down. “What about…” He could barely form any thoughts. “Baby…”

You slowed almost to a still. “I’m protected, but if it makes you feel more comfortable, I can finish you in other ways.”

“That’s best for now.”

You smiled and got off of him, crawling down his body. He looked down at you as you licked up the length of his cock. His hand flew to the back of your head. “Princess…” His grip tightened as your mouth completely enveloped him and you started sucking. It didn’t take long to bring him his release. You swallowed his seed, making a show of it to tease him.

There was a comfortable silence  while you both caught your breath. He held you close to him and you both laid like that for ten minutes, cuddling. That was until you quietly got off of the bed. He watched as you picked up your shift and started dressing. “Where are you going?”

“Back to my apartments.” 

Aemond almost panicked for a minute. Had he done something to offend you? Should he have finished inside of you? “You don’t want to stay?”

You finished dressing then you kissed him again, making sure to linger at his lips. “In Westeros, it is already improper of us to do what we just did. I don’t want to press my luck.”

He kissed you again. Honestly, he meant for it to be quick, but it was as though the second his lips connected to yours, he was under some spell and it was 18 seconds later that you finally ended the kiss and parted from him. You left him satiated and sleepy, so he fell asleep quickly after your encounter. His worries over what would happen next could wait until the next day.

You stared at the ceiling of Aemond’s bedroom. It was the third such time you had done so, though you lost count of the times you’d been with Aemond. You stopped counting after five. You hadn’t planned to fall in love. You were lost in thought and worry about the future. Every day was busy, but most nights were for you and Aemond. Talking, cuddling, laughing, fucking… The two of you had created your own world inside of either of your bedchambers. Nothing else mattered. Not Aegon’s teasing of Aemond, not the politics that brought you to the table in the first place. You could get lost in each other and you grew even closer by sharing stories and secrets, and wishes for the future. The only problem was this: When you became Queen, you would have to marry to strengthen your alliances.

The tips of Aemond’s fingers grazed over your hip and up to your neck, then your chin. He turned you to look at him, “Marry me, Princess.”

“Hmm. Don’t get ahead of yourself, my Prince.”

It was silent for a moment then he spoke again, “May I ask how many lovers you’ve had?”

“Why do you want to know? Something been on your mind?”

“I’m just curious. It doesn’t bother me if I’m the fifth or 72nd, but I know I’m not your first.”

“Seven, now.” You looked at him. His face was unreadable. “Does that shock you, My Prince?”

Aemond dipped his head. There was a blush on his cheeks and across his nose. “I’ve only ever been with two women before you.”

“Why not more?”

“Interesting question.” He smiled at you. “It always felt wrong.”

“In what way?” You sat up. “Do you feel that way with me?”

“No, Sweetling.” He held your hand. “I don’t feel that way with you. Not at all. I can’t explain it, really. I just felt nothing with them, but with you…” He took your hands, “With you… I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never wanted anyone so much.”

“Careful. You’re awfully close to saying that you love me.”

He smiled at that, “Perhaps I do.”

“Aemond…”

“What would you say if I said I loved you?”

“I would say it back.”

“Avy jorrāelan.” (‘I love you.’)

You kissed him. “Nimitstlasohtla.” (‘I love you.’) 

He understood you. He kissed you so passionately that you started whimpering. You felt heat in your chest and groin. Then he stopped and you nearly pouted.

“Show me your home. Take me to Sothoryos.”

“I will.” You kissed him.

“Let’s have children together.”

“My Prince!” You playfully hit his chest, then you got close enough for his lips to ghost yours. “Convince me.”

Aemond got on top of you and nuzzled your neck. He knew you already had your answer, so he decided to tease you instead. “Say yes.” He bit at your flesh, causing goosebumps. “Say yes.” His fingers dipped into your seam, feeling his leftover spend and your wetness between your folds. He rubbed your pearl in torturously slow circles. “Say yes.”

“Y—yes. I will marry you—“ You keened as his finger sped up. “A—and have your ch—children, Aemond Targaryen.” You kissed him and wrapped your legs around his waist. “Avy jorrāelan.” You hadn’t noticed he was already hard, so when he started entering you again after finishing 20 minutes before, it took you by surprise. You gasped, “Aemond.”

He retracted his hips. “Did I hurt you?”

You smiled, “It’s not that easy to hurt me.” Your hands found his ass and pressed him further into you.

You talked about one of your ex lovers, someone you thought you might marry one day. “She sang to me.”

“If I knew singing to you would make you fall in love with me, I would have done it sooner.”

You laughed, “That’s not why I fell in love with either of you.”

“What, then?”

“With her we… It was her elegance and kindness. She used to be supportive, patient, and funny…“

“You love her, still. I can tell by the light in your eyes when you talk about her.”

“I love who she used to be. I don’t love who she is now.” You took his hand. “Avy jorrāelan. (‘I love you.’)”

“Why did you leave her?” You were about to cry and Aemond saw it on your face. “What is it, sweetling?”

“I’ve been afraid to tell you from the beginning that, as Queen, I may need to take three husbands in order you produce enough heirs who may sit on the Camopaltic Throne from any alliances made. Because I still need to create alliances. Sothoryos is less peaceful than Westeros.” As usual, Aemond’s face was unreadable. “I will do everything in my power to make sure that I don’t need to take another spouse, because I only want you.”

“No, Princess…” He calmed you down before you started crying. “If it’s something that you need to do, you should still marry and produce heirs.”

“I can have heirs with you.”

He gave a gentle smile at your insistence and took your hands in his. “We will be okay, my love.” He kissed you. “I love you and I know you love me. Nothing can take away from what we have.”

“Are you sure?”

“I cannot lie to my betrothed… I may get a little jealous, but it would be difficult not to.”

“This does mean that you can have other wives.”

“Why would I want someone else?” He kissed your neck. “I have you.”

“When you can’t have me.”

He looked at you, “Do you plan on being away from me for long periods of time?”

“Sometimes. Is a few moons long to you?”

He shook his head. “We can discuss that if it ever happens that I find someone I am interested in.” You laid together in silence for a bit before he spoke again. “How does the Sothoryi kingdom work, exactly?”

“It’s similar to Westeros, except the people are more involved. There is the Crown and the thrones of kingdoms that we bring into the fold. There is a peace between the Crown and everyone else, but there is a lot of fighting between thrones. If we bring them into our family, they become an extension of the Crown. The King or Queen makes the final decision in all matters, but we have what we call ‘Kuautitlahtokalistli’ (‘Great Council’) with 138 members, currently. There are the base members of our own Great Council, followed by representatives of each throne. Those are the basics of our government. ‘Exactly’, is a little complicated. Loicato is the King’s Landing of Sothoryos.”

“You’re on this council?”

“Yes. As the heir, I have to be on the council. I was chosen when I was seventeen.”

“What about your siblings?”

“I didn’t ask for it. My father was ill for a while, so there was a meeting of the Great Council. I was chosen to be the next Sothoryi Queen and my father is the one who convinced me to accept.”

“What if none of the children want to be the leader?”

“It’s a similar process.”

“What made you fall in love with me?” He returned to the subject.

“Well…” You scooted closer and kissed one of his calluses. “I love that you’ve been very generous with your time.” You kissed his palm. “And that you’ve been very generous in bed.”

He knew you were being purposely joking with that comment, but he had hoped for more than that, too. “That’s what you’re concerned about as far as love goes?” 

“No, my sweet summer child.” You turned onto your stomach and kissed his shoulder. “I love how devoted you are to your family, even though sometimes that makes me feel like I’m coming in between you. I don’t want to come in between you and your family. It doesn’t end well, and I’m speaking from experience on your side of things.” Aemond opened his mouth to speak, but you stopped him. “Let me finish.” He closed his mouth, so you continued. “I love the way you fight, not how good you are, but how well you assess an opponent. You match them, almost perfectly, because of the way you dedicate so much of your time learning and practicing your skills. It’s magnificent and I’ve never seen anything like it. And, speaking of learning… I love your mind. You read all the time, and your mind seems to absorb the information on those pages like a cloth. I would have to study for hours to know what you know. Sometimes I wish I could see what’s in there.”

He looked away from you. “Trust me, you don’t what to see what’s in here.”

“Yes, I do.” You turned his face to you. “I want to know everything about you.”

This was going to be a longer chapter, but I think I'm going to make this a 6 part series instead of 5.

SERIES MASTERLIST

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Darkness Declares Glory | Chapter 6 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N - this fic deals with some very dark themes such as drug use, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution and Minors DNI. There is a reader insert but it is very Spencer-centric.

Chapter Summary - Spencer embarks on his first therapy session. More people from his past haunt his dreams.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - dark angst | smut | eventual happy ending.

Warnings - therapy, withdrawals, pain, pain medication, talk of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide, drug use, swearing, vomiting, paranoid behaviour, scars and stitches, track marks, featuring Alex Blake.

WC - 4K

Chapter 6 - If You Could See Me Now

It was early evening when Delaney knocked on Spencer’s door to bring him dinner. 

They didn’t usually condone eating in rooms as it strayed from routine and the socialisation with other patients was highly encouraged. 

But Spencer’s routine hadn’t really started yet so for today he let Spencer eat in the peace of his room.

Delaney sat at the desk and watched the man wolf down his food with the ferocity of a wild animal. 

Spencer had no idea when the last time he ate was and he hadn’t realised how hungry he was until the food was presented to him. 

He ate every last scrap and washed it down with nearly every drop of a litre bottle of water. 

Even after his rest his legs still showed the remains of the tremors but it was to be expected. 

After he’d eaten as promised earlier, Delaney trimmed Spencer’s nails so they were completely blunt and could cause no more injury to himself. 

Then he helped him into his wheelchair and wheeled him to his first therapist appointment which Spencer dreaded with every fibre of his being. 

He wished he had the energy to fight it, but even after a decent meal and hydration he was exhausted. 

“What day is it today?” Spencer mused as he was wheeled down corridors. 

“It’s Wednesday.” Delaney replied.

“So tomorrow is visitation day?” Spencer rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“Indeed.” 

“I don’t want to see anyone.” Spencer told him as they came to a stop outside of one of the doors in the corridor. 

“I really do think that-“ 

“Not yet. I’m not saying never, but not yet. Please.” Spencer clenched his teeth. 

“Ok.” Delaney agreed, knowing if he pushed him he might never let anyone visit. “I’ll call Ms Prentiss in the morning.” 

“Thank you.” Spencer’s hands retreated up his sleeves like tortoises retiring to their shells when threatened as Delaney opened the door and wheeled him inside. 

“Spencer, this is Maggie. She’s one of our specialists in dual diagnosis. She might not be your permanent therapist but she’s going to assess you and we’ll go from there, ok?” Delaney parked his chair next to the plush leather couch before helping Spencer onto it. 

Spencer just nodded. 

He wanted to pull his legs up to his chest to protect himself but he knew his injury wouldn’t allow it. Since waking up this evening he’d been noticing the pain properly for the first time. And not just in his leg. 

Both of his arms seemed as though they were on fire, searing in pain. Maybe he’d have to ask about getting some pain medication because it was almost unbearable. Delaney left the room and Spencer kept his hands hidden inside of his sweater for some kind of security. 

Maggie smiled at him softly. She was probably around his age, pretty in an understated way. She reminded him a little of Tara and it put him slightly at ease. 

“Hi Spencer,” she was soft spoken and had kind eyes. 

His eyes grazed down to the file in her hand and he could only imagine what it said about him there.

“Hi.” He offered her a tight lipped smile. 

“I know this must be hard for you, so I want to start by telling you a little about myself to try and help relax you if that’s ok?” 

Spencer simply nodded again, trying to dig his fingernails into his palm but now they’d been clipped so short his fingertips just pressed into his flesh. 

It didn’t ground him the way he needed it to. 

“My name is Doctor Maggie Sherman. I have a PhD in Behavioural Psychology. I’ve been a licensed therapist for fifteen years and I’ve worked here at PIW for six years. I specialise in treating patients with drug addictions and underlying mental health disorders. But this is just an assessment as Doctor Delaney said, so if we don’t gel or you don’t like me as your therapist that’s ok. Also to give you a little personal insight into me, I am married with two children, a boy and a girl. My wife and I have been together since we were in high school. Would you care to tell me a little about yourself?” 

Spencer’s eyes widened when she stopped talking, realising he was going to have to speak now. He tugged on the sleeves of his sweater awkwardly. 

“Uh…I also have a PhD. Well, three of them. Engineering, chemistry and mathematics. I worked for the Behavioural Analysis Unit of the FBI from when I was twenty two up until seven months…” he trailed off with a small sigh. “Two years ago. I’m a drug addict, dilaudid and cocaine. I have PTSD, major depressive disorder and panic disorder.” 

“Ok that’s good.” She nodded encouragingly. “But why don’t you try and tell me something I couldn’t read in your file.” 

“Like what?” 

“Anything you like.” 

Spencer chewed on his bottom lip while he thought about this. He wanted to talk about you, you were the only thing he ever wanted to talk about. But now was not the time. 

“I like to read. I can actually read twenty thousand words a minute which is really useful for work when we need to get through hundreds of case files in a short amount of time but when it comes to reading for pleasure it can get a little frustrating.” He rambled. “I like playing chess. An old friend of mine taught me how and we used to play all the time. I never could beat him though. I can beat anyone else, just not Gideon.” 

It was a nervous babble. Once he started he couldn’t stop himself. Spencer always prattled when he was uncomfortable. 

“What about your personal life? Are you married, do you have kids? What about your family?” 

“Uh no, not married and no kids.” He sighed sadly. “Family is just me and my mom. But she’s a paranoid schizophrenic with early onset dementia and she lives in Las Vegas so I guess it’s just me.” 

“Doctor Delaney told me about your old team. Would you consider them family?” She tilted her head to the side a little. 

“Uh, I guess so.” He tugged at his sleeves again. “I’ve worked with some of them for over ten years and I guess they are the closest thing to a family that I have.” 

“It’s good to have a support system.” She smiled, threading her fingers together. “I do need to ask you some tough questions now ok, Spencer?”

“Y-yes.” His leg was still trembling much like it had been all day. The pain coursing through his whole body was causing him to sweat. The withdrawals were making him sweat too. 

“Are you ok?” Maggie narrowed her eyes on him a little. 

“I’m uh…in a bit of a pain.” A bit of pain was a huge understatement. His whole body swelled in agony. 

“You’ve not been given anything for your pain?” 

“N-no.” He shook his head. “But that’s probably because I didn’t tell Doctor Delaney I was in pain.” 

Maggie glanced down at her notes on him before pushing herself up from the chair and heading to a locked cabinet behind her desk. Once opened, Spencer saw an array of medication bottles which she quickly sifted through before pulling one of them out and locking the cupboard. 

“Have you heard of methadone?”

“Yes.” Spencer felt himself perk up a little. 

Methadone was an opioid like dilaudid, but ironically was used for treating opioid addictions. It was used for extreme pain relief which Spencer so sorely needed. Methadone changed the way the brain and nervous system respond to pain to give some relief. He knew it offered similar feelings to other opioid drugs like dilaudid, and would aid his cravings. And if he couldn’t get his hands on dilaudid or cocaine it would have to do. He knew he wouldn’t be given enough to get him high, but anything was better than nothing. 

“This will help with your pain and aid in relieving your withdrawal symptoms.” Maggie uncapped the bottle and Spencer unsheathed his hand to accept the pill. 

She poured him a cup of water from a machine in the corner of the room and handed that to him also. Spencer quickly tossed the pill and water back with shaky hands. He knew it took a little while to kick in, he hoped he could cope with this encompassing pain until then. 

“See how you get on with that tonight and we’ll discuss dosages tomorrow ok?” 

Spencer nodded, hands quickly snaking back inside his sweater. 

“Now I’m going to need to ask you some hard questions. If at any time you want to stop, just say so and we’ll stop. But I do need complete honesty from you ok, Spencer?” 

“Ok.” He was already grinding his teeth against the pain but now he started doing it more furiously. 

“How did you get involved in drugs?” She poised her own above her notebook. 

“About ten years ago. I was abducted during the course of a case and the unsub…uh, unknown subject…bad guy, he would inject me with dilaudid. I got addicted and kept using for almost a year after. But then I got clean and I didn’t start using again until seven…two years ago.” He watched Maggie take some notes before nodding. 

“What happened two years ago for you to start using again after such a long period of sobriety?” 

“I was arrested for a crime I didn’t commit. I spent three months in prison. I tried not to turn to drugs but it all got too much. And after a while the dilaudid wasn’t enough so I started using cocaine too.” He was impressed by how easily he was talking about this, least of all to a stranger. 

Maybe that was why it was easier to talk about. But he wouldn’t be so quick to answer all of her questions. 

“Was it after prison you self-harmed for the first time?” She tapped the nib of her pen on the notebook. 

Spencer winced a little, snaking his arms around his waist and hugging himself, despite how much his arms hurt. 

“I uh…” he swallowed, eyes darting around the room so he didn’t have to look at her. “I was prescribed Prozac by my therapist. It made me feel worse than I did before. It made me s-suicidal. I think I hurt myself trying to stop from killing myself.” 

“That makes sense.” Maggie nodded in understanding. “Everybody has coping mechanisms, Spencer. Unfortunately yours are not very healthy. My job is to help you find healthier ways of dealing with your emotions.”

“Logically I understand that. Rationally I know that drugs and hurting myself isn’t sensible. And honestly they didn’t even work. I don’t even know how I’m still alive if truth be told.” He grinded his teeth harder, wishing he could pick at his skin to relieve some tension.

“You’ve attempted suicide before? I mean before the other day.” 

“Yes.” He tightened his hold on himself, hoping if he squeezed tight enough he might just disappear all together. 

“Can you elaborate?” Maggie put the pen down and gave him her full attention. Honestly that made him feel more uncomfortable.

“I sometimes play Russian Roulette with my gun. Leave it up to fate to decide if it’s my time to die.” His eyes glossed over with tears. “I’ve tried overdosing before. I’m incredibly smart and I should have known exactly how much I needed to end it. But the drugs must have scrambled my brain and I kept fucking it up.”

“Was this overdose a deliberate one?” 

“I’m still trying to piece that together but I’m pretty certain it was, yes.” A few tears crept from his eyes but he was quick to wipe them away on the sleeves of his sweater. 

“What do you think would happen if any of your attempts had been successful?” Her question threw Spencer through a loop and he frowned at her. 

“I don’t understand.” He toyed with the hems of the sweater. “I’d be dead. I don’t believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation or anything like that so I’d just be dead?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that.” Maggie smiled. “Let me rephrase the question. What do you think would happen to your mom, your friends, if your attempts had been successful?” 

Spencer’s frown deepened. He’d never thought about that. Not once. He’d never even thought about you. All he’d ever thought about was how much he needed to end it all. 

“I uh…I don’t know.” 

“It’s ok not to know. The sad fact is Spencer, depression is a very selfish illness. It doesn’t allow our brains to think of the consequences of our actions. It’s ok not to have thought about the effect it would have on those who love you.” Maggie picked her pen back up and jotted something down. 

“My mom probably wouldn’t even realise. She doesn’t even know who I am most of the time.” He heard the self-pity in his tone and he hated it. Once again he tried to dig his nails into his palms but failed. 

“I’m sure a lot of people would miss you if you were gone, Spencer. Your mom included.” 

“Hmm.” That was Spencer’s sign he was done talking. 

He’d opened up a lot more than he’d expected to and now he was done. Maggie clearly sensed this and she closed her notebook. 

“Do you think you’d like to come back and talk to me more tomorrow?” She asked softly. 

“I don’t know if like is the right word.” He gnawed on his lip. “But sure.” 

He was still fidgeting with his hands under his sleeves and he saw Maggie’s eyes flick to where his hands lay in his lap. She pushed herself up from the chair and rounded her desk. He watched as she pulled something out of the top drawer. 

“I want you to wear this.” She came over to him and handed him a simple rubber band. 

“Uh, why?” He frowned but took it from her all the same. 

“Wear it around your wrist and when you feel the urge to hurt yourself, give it a firm snap. It will help alleviate the need to harm yourself.” 

Spencer nodded stiffly, rolling the band over the bandages on his left wrist as it was the arm that hurt less. 

“I’ll call Doctor Delaney to take you back to your room. Tomorrow you’re going to let me know how you got on with the medication ok?” 

“Ok.”

While Maggie made a phone call he snapped the band around his wrist once, twice and three times. And then three more times for good measure. It would be a miracle if the band was still intact come morning. 

***

The pain continued to flood his body to the point he thought he may actually pass out. Although admittedly that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world because he was supposed to be asleep. The methadone should have done something. It had been hours since Maggie gave him the medication and Spencer was sure if anything, his pain was worse. 

He was simultaneously on fire and freezing. He was dripping with sweat and he’d already vomited in the trash can in his room three times. Despite his lack of nails he’d already picked off the bandages on his knuckles and was working on picking at the one on his right arm. Why was the methadone not kicking in? This didn’t make any sense. And that left him with one of two theories. 

One: she’d given him a placebo. She’d given him a pill that was simply meant to placate him. It was nothing more than a sugary tablet to make him think his pain and cravings would lessen.  

Or two: it was all in his fucking head. He’d created the pain in his own mind and it didn’t really exist in the first place. 

What if the bandages were only there to make him think he was hurt? Of course his cut up knuckles should have told him that wasn’t true. But suddenly Spencer didn’t know what to believe. 

He picked and picked at the dressing on his right arm until he was able to remove it entirely. He expected to see untarnished skin beneath it but of course, that wasn’t what happened. Underneath the dressing was a wound running the length of his forearm with the seventeen stitches Delaney had told him about. Without meaning to, Spencer pressed his fingers against the wound, applying pressure and feeling the pain heighten. 

He did it again, harder this time and yelped at the feeling. But he still did it two more times. Not one to be easily perturbed, he ripped off the bandage on his other arm revealing hideous, pulsating track marks and a series of slowly healing gouges and burns. Once again he pressed his fingers to the open wounds, feeling the pain swell aggressively as he did so. 

Soon he was on top of his sheets, wriggling out of his pyjama pants and unravelling the dressing around his thigh. The bullet wound looked better than he’d imagined, already seeming to heal very nicely. It was the array of cuts above it that made Spencer’s stomach turn a little. Some scars were old, probably made at least a year ago. Others were fresher, still healing. Spencer pressed his fingertips against every single one of them. 

He was dizzy with the pain but he continued prodding and poking his wounds, hypnotising himself with the repetitiveness of going from limb to limb over and and over again. 

Left arm. Right arm. Leg. Left arm. Right arm. Leg. Left arm. Right arm. Leg. Left arm. Right arm. Leg.

He repeated this cycle for hours, groaning at the pain it caused but for some reason it became oddly comforting. He was utterly restless. He couldn’t get his brain to shut off long enough to give over to sleep. At some point, completely forgetting about the fact he couldn’t walk, he swung his legs out of bed. As he placed his feet on the floor, pain shot up his leg but he ignored it. He pushed himself up, wobbling a little as he did so. He stepped forward on his good leg first. Then slowly his bad leg.

The pain alone almost caused him to collapse but he was determined not to be bedridden. He would push himself to his limits if it meant he wasn’t stuck in that damn bed. By the time he reached the door he couldn’t see straight anymore for the intense agony swirling through his body. He clutched the handle, tugged on it. The door didn’t budge. 

No, no, no! He screamed internally. No, I can’t be locked in! Not again! Not again! 

He tried to thud on the door but he was too weak and just slapped his hand pathetically against it. 

No, please. I can’t be locked in. I can’t go back to prison. 

His leg suddenly gave out, his mind giving in to the pain and he collapsed onto the carpeted floor. With the last of the energy he had in his body he tried to crawl back to his bed but he didn’t make it all the way and somewhere between the door and the bed, he blacked out. 

***

“Spencer?” A soft voice roused him. “Spencer, what are you doing on the floor?” 

He lifted his head from the carpet pillow and squinted upwards at the figure standing over him. 

“Spencer? You need to get up.” Your voice was stern and held a hint of frustration. 

“What happened?” He croaked, rolling himself onto his back and rubbing his eyes with his palms. 

“I don’t know, you tell me.” You crouched over him and held your hands out for him to take which he did. Your skin was like ice. 

You helped him into a sitting position and he blinked rapidly, trying to dislodge you from the haze you were in. 

“Why can’t I see you properly?” He mused out loud. 

“I don’t know, Spencer. I don’t have the answers for you.” You pulled him to his feet and when he stood there was no pain in his leg. There was no pain anywhere. 

Blinking a few more times he looked around and found himself in his bedroom of his apartment. He let you lead him to the bed where you both sat down on the mattress. He tried to concentrate on your features but everything was just slightly out of focus. 

“I’m forgetting you.” He grinded his teeth. 

“It’s been a long time.” You shrugged. 

“I don’t want to forget you. I never want to forget you!” He wailed pathetically. 

“At some point you have to let me go, Spencer.”

“No, no I don’t want to. I miss you Y/N, I miss you so fucking much. I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to forget.” 

“It’s already happening, Spencer. It’s out of your control.” 

“No, please.” He whined, sniffing loudly. “Please, I can’t forget you. Please tell me what I need to do to remember.”

“Your brain is becoming clearer.” You sighed a little as you spoke. “The drugs are washing out of your system and making you see clearer.” 

“If that were the case, surely I’d remember you more clearly?” 

“Your mind is trying to tell you something, Spencer. At some point you’re going to have to listen to it.” You briefly touched his cheek before standing up from the bed. 

“What is it trying to tell me? I don’t understand.” 

“You’ll see soon enough. Everything will become clear. Just try not to blame yourself when it does.” You started backing away, slipping away from him. 

“Blame myself for what?” 

“Any of it.” You replied simply and then your image vanished completely. 

“Y/N!” He jumped up from the bed. “Y/N, come back!” 

“She’s gone.” A voice behind him startled him. 

He quickly spun back around to see someone sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“A-Alex?” He frowned at her, scratching the back of his neck. “What are you doing here?”

“Don’t ask me.” She laughed. “It’s your subconscious.” 

“I’m losing it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I am fucking losing it.”

“Oh Spencer, you lost it a long time ago.” Alex smiled wistfully at him. 

“That’s not true.” He shook his head. 

“Isn’t it?” Her smile turned into a frown. “You’ve never been well Spencer. You were cursed with that giant brain. That giant, sick brain. Everyone thinks it a gift but they have no idea what a hindrance it really is.” 

“Well given that you’re just a dream, excuse me for not believing anything you say.” He rolled his eyes. 

“I’m an extension of your subconscious Spencer. I’m only saying what you’re thinking.”

“That’s not true.” 

“We both know that it is.” 

Spencer heaved a sigh and fell back to the bed next to her. 

“Am I ever going to recover from this? Am I ever going to be ok again?” 

“That’s up to you. You’ve gotta want it Spencer.” 

“And if I don’t? What if all I want is to spend the rest of my life high out of my mind?” 

“Then you’ll never recover.” Alex shrugged. 

“How do I keep my memories of Y/N? Why would they fade when my mind is clearer? It just doesn’t make sense.” He huffed. 

“Somewhere in that big old brain, you know the answer to that. You’ll find it eventually, but I can’t help you.” 

“Alex, I’m scared.” He confessed, tears springing to his eyes. 

“I know you are. But I know you and I know you’ll be ok.” She pushed herself up from the bed and turned to look down at him. “Or alternatively you won’t be ok and you’ll end up dead.”

“Wow, great pep talk.” He scoffed. 

“Again, I’m only saying what you want me to say.” 

“Can I wake up now? This is getting kind of annoying.” 

“A nurse is going to walk through your door in approximately thirty seconds to wake you up.” She pointed to the door over her shoulder but it wasn’t the door to Spencer’s bedroom in his apartment anymore. He was back in his room at PIW. “Good luck explaining why you’re on the floor by the way.” Alex chuckled and then, like you, she was fading away. 

Taglist

@andiebeaword @measure-in-pain@takeyourleap-of-faith @dirtytissuebox @smurphyse @ssa-uglywhore27 @reidselle @reidsbookclub

@tiredmilky @thatsonezesty13 @1mechanicalalligator

[slowlystickyjellyfish]

I recovered, then I didn’t and now I’m back

It’s been a few years since I was active on the proED scene on tumblr, and honestly I have so many thoughts. At the ripe old age of 20, having been here since I was 14, I now view myself as somewhat of an elder, here to share my wisdom collected over many years. Categorized it as meanspo if you want, it probably will be. So here goes:

- If you’re fighting for your life to get down to a BMI of over 18/19 you’re doing it so fucking wrong. Honestly it isn’t hard.

- The more you complicate it, the more you’ll struggle. Y’all will be out here counting every little KJ and still plateau at 19 bmi??? 🤡 If you’re intentionally obsessing over your food, guess what you’ll think about? Food. And then you’ll binge because you’re an idiot

- Working out will never negate food. If you could choose between walking for five hours and eating two muffins, or just sit on your bed and do nothing, what would you choose? Because choosing the first option will honestly just be worse than staying in bed. Stop finding excuses to eat, it’s the exact same thing fat people do.

- Fasting for three days, losing control, binging and fasting for another three days is 10 times worse than just eating 500 calories every day, forever. But because you all are short sighted and gluttonous, that’s just something you ignore. You’ll post about how amazing it feels to go days with no food and how starving is euphoric, while filling up on 2000 calories and negating all your work and crying about plateauing

- You’ll never be thinspo. Learn to separate fact from fiction, and media from reality. It’s posed, usually edited and perfectly angled and lighted. As someone who has had their photo used as thinspo before, I can honestly admit that that is still not how I looked. It’s curated. It’s a lie. At least aim for reality or else you’ll never find peace.

Ok bullying over, here’s my advice:

- Nicotine is your best fucking friend.

- Don’t overthink it. The one thing body positivity got right is that all bodies are different. What I need to function differs from what you need, no matter size. Don’t focus on eating a calorie limit. A set limit will cause two things: Overthinking and focus on food, which just isn’t comfortable, and excessive eating, because you’ll with no doubt eat to fill your limit or say ‘eh, I can eat some more because I still have some calories left’.

- Just don’t eat. Lol. I know it’s exactly what you’re trying to do, but you’re probably skipping the ‘just’ part. Think of it like this: how easy is it to drink too little water? It’s literally one of the most important things for your existence, but is so easily ignored. That’s what we’re trying to do with food. Why don’t you drink water for fun? There’s no enjoyment. Remove joy from food. Eat food that isn’t that tasty, when you need to have snacks to blend in, have mid range snacks, so you won’t miss it. You don’t schedule water, or count how much you’ve had, you just don’t think about it.

- Measure, don’t weigh. It’ll give you a better representation of fat loss instead of fluctiation.

- Your period doesn’t indicate shit. I was 14 BMI and got pregnant.

- The best way to body check is using tight clothes. Ideally ones you don’t actually use and not wash. Nothing feels better than the waistline on those pants sitting loose on a waist that used to stretch them.

- Figure out your body. Personally, I don’t need to eat until around 17.00, but then I NEED to eat, and am prone to binging. We usually have dinner later here, so I’ll have a small meal around 14.00 - 17.00, an apple or something. Savory foods increase my appetite, bitter foods decrease, sweet has no particular effect. I shouldn’t eat after 21.00, then it’ll be too easy to overeat. Once you know these things, and just implement them as a routine, things will ve so much easier.

Alrighty I’m done. Have a terrible day

[perfectbananaglitter]

The Talk part 3/3

Part 1: https://www.tumblr.com/perfectbananaglitter/701297777559355392/the-talk-part1?source=share

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/perfectbananaglitter/703470832957210624/the-talk-part2?source=share

“-I’m sorry, they did what? Do you want me to beat someone up?”

I was expecting this reaction when I decided to tell my sisters about the bet. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was Jade threatening my teammates with her 50 kg on a good day.

I gaze at my sisters, who seem to be in a silent conversation.

Jade turns to Bailey, “Sidney and Karim will help me, right? They wouldn’t miss the chance to mess with the hockey guys. How dare they? That’s so insensitive of them. Who do they think they are? They’re supposed to have your back!” Delilah drops her hand on her thigh, trying to calm her down even a little.

“I just felt so betrayed, not even mad. It didn’t cross my mind they could do something like that. I wasn’t expecting to be welcomed with open arms like we’re heroes. I was worried they would be homophobic assholes. But I didn’t think they would have held a bet on a potential relationship months ago. They didn't even bet to know if we were together or not; No! That was a given. They bet on whether we were going to expose our relationship. Nobody doubts that at one point we’ll sleep together. The question was when, where, and how we’ll say something.

“I mean, it was insensitive of them. They shouldn’t have, and you and Jensen have every right to be mad at them and feel betrayed. But at least, now you can be all mushy with your boyfriend. You need to look at the bright side. You’ll be able to cuddle up on the bus. No more having to twist your shoulder at a weird angle to hold his hand while he’s sitting behind you. And the team won’t think you’re going to tear each other's heads off every five minutes.” Bailey tries to reassure me. She has always been the rational one.

“No, they’ll have to worry about them jumping each other every chance they get…” Jade says with a smirk.

Both my sisters make disgusted faces at the idea of their baby brother having a sex life. And I get it; I don’t want to know what any of my sisters are doing with their partners. I shake my head, trying to get rid of those terrifying images that are unfortunately forming in my mind.

I’m so lost in my fight against those ideas that I don’t realize Cauler is joining us until he’s sitting next to me, his hand on my knee, his voice whispering a hello in my ear.

I freeze for a moment, not expecting him to be here. I turn to face him, my sisters' words still ringing in my head. Cauler looks at me with concern, noticing my hesitation. "Is everything okay?" he asks, his hand still on my knee. “Nobody can see us.” I take a deep breath and nod, trying to push away the anxiety of being in public. "Yeah, everything's fine," I say, hoping to sound convincing. I smile at him and intertwine our fingers.

Cauler looks at me for a moment longer, trying to analyze my face. I can see his brain going miles an hour, trying to know if I’m lying to him. But he nods and squeezes my hand before turning to my sisters and Jade and saying hello to them.

As I watch him asking Jade questions about her latest art project, I can't help but feel grateful for Jaysen’s presence. He always knows when something's wrong and tries his best to make me feel better. I take a deep breath, trying to forget about the bet and our teammates for a while. Maybe a good meal and some company will help me clear my head. For once, I feel hungry and like I could eat the whole menu, so when the waitress arrives to take our orders, I don’t stop myself from ordering everything my heart desires.

But when Bailey asks him how he’s feeling after the bet, the previously light and nice atmosphere switches to something heavy and uncomfortable.

“Hum… I’m… Okay, I guess. It wasn’t nice of them. Terzo was really upset. I get why he was, though. They really betrayed his trust, and he doesn’t give it easily.”

My sisters share a look.

“His trust? Do you mean ‘our’ trust?”

“Hum… I guess?”

“Jaysen, darling, you do realize you were betrayed too? You don’t have to be used, but you’re allowed to. You gave the team your trust, and they broke it too. My brother is a little shit with too many feelings he doesn’t know how to deal with. So he’s a bit overdramatic. But you’re also a victim here. And I need you to tell me you realize that.”

He’s frowning, his eyebrows drawn together. His eyes are fixed on his plate, but I can’t tell he’s not really seeing it.

“Oh.”

Oh. He didn’t. He was so upset on my behalf that he couldn’t be on his own.

His face turns sad as reality hits him. I can only watch emotions crossing his features. I squeeze his hand, trying to bring him an ounce of comfort. But it’s all I can do. Knowing my boyfriend, he needs to process this new information on his own. So for the rest of the meal, he just picks at his food, smiling only when someone talks directly to him. And even then, he often asks them to repeat. He’s so lost in his own head, I can’t help but ache for him, knowing very well what he’s going through.

As we leave my sisters to walk to my room, I can sense the weight of the situation on Cauler's shoulders. Still in his own head, I guide Jaysen to the dorm where we will be able to talk if it’s what he needs. I know he's trying to process everything that's happened, and I want to be there for him. But at the same time, I'm not sure how to help him.

The walk is short. I close the bedroom door as he sits on my bed. "Hey," I say, breaking the silence between us. "I know this is all really overwhelming for you right now, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. We'll get through this together." I sit next to him, draping my arm around his waist.

Cauler looks at me, and I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes. "I just can't believe they would do something like that," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. He drops his head on my shoulder, resting his forehead, hugging me."I thought we were all friends, you know? And now I feel like I can't trust anyone. And I can’t believe I didn’t realise that. How oblivious am I ?"

"I know," I raise my hand to the back of his neck, embracing him.

Cauler, sigh and we continue sitting in silence. I can feel his sadness and frustration, and I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. But I know that healing takes time, and all I can do is be there for him, no matter what. My therapist would be proud of me.

"I'm sorry," Cauler says, breaking the silence. "I know I'm a mess”

"Don't apologize," I say, putting my arm around his shoulder. "You have every right to feel the way you do. And I'm here for you, no matter what. And if anyone of us is a mess, we both know it’s me"

This answer does make him laugh at least a little, easing a bit of tension from this situation.

After a few minutes, Cauler lifts his head and looks at me. "Do you think we'll be able to trust them again?" he asks, his voice laced with uncertainty.

"With time, I do think so," I say, being honest with him. "They’re our friends, they’ve done something stupid and insensitive. But they didn’t mean to hurt us. And they regret it, so much. Have you talked to Zero?"

"No, I haven’t seen any of the guys, not yet.”

"You should, when you’re ready and not a second before.” I drop a kiss on his head. “I talk with Dori, it was hard, but I think it was the best thing to do.”

He nods but doesn’t move. I pull him so we can lie down together. We stay there bathing each other. We’re alone, and that’s exactly what we need. Some alone time to process what happened. And if I get to cuddle my hot as fuck boyfriend, that’s not so bad.