#I’m so tired of the Dutch national anthem

[sainzofthetimez]

honestly someone needs to tell max that it’s 1000% more impressive to win from like tenth rather than just speed run into first like baby buddy my dude we get it you’re an apex predator in an illegal car so maybe play with your food before you go for the kill so we can pretend it’s a fair fight

[harrysfolklore]

could you please do an insta blurb with vivian hoorn?💕

cats & dogs - mv1

summary: every couple on the grid is getting dogs which leads to max’s girlfriend wanting one. the problem? he’s a cat dad and a cat dad only

folkie radio: with al the cat dad max talk and all the dogs on the grid this blurb came naturally ! i really hope you like it 💓

MASTERLIST | MY PATREON

liked by lilyhme, maxverstappen1 and 137,258 others

yourinstagram barcelona: lots of wine, baby winning but who’s surprised and the new love of my life, leo leclerc

tagged: maxverstappen1, alexandrasaintmleux

view all 2,347 comments

username1 PRETTIEST GIRL

username2 dududu max verstappen play the dutch national anthem

francisca.cgomes Prettiest 😍

↳ yourinstagram have you seen yourself in the mirror?

charles_leclerc My son ❤️

↳ yourinstagram alexandra is def a single mother bc that beauty doesn’t come from you

↳ alexandrasaintmleux Exactly 🤩

↳ username1 LOVE THEM

username3 “but who’s surprised” 😭

username4 jimmy and sassy are jealous right now

scuderiaferrari We all love Leo Leclerc ❤️

↳ redbullracing Ariana what are you doing here?

↳ username2 THAT ADMINS ARE ON CRACK HELP

danielricciardo Be ready for your girl to beg for a puppy @/maxverstappen1

↳ username2 HEEEELP

maxverstappen1 New love of my life?

↳ yourinstagram im sorry baby he has charmed me now i need a dog

↳ maxverstappen1 Jimmy and Sassy (our kids) are patiently waiting for us at home thank you

↳ username4 MAX VERSTAPPEN GET YOUR GF A DOG

liked by danielricciardo, yourinstagram and 733,625 others

maxverstappen1 Triple header done ✅ Time to rest and get ready for the last races of the season before the summer #KeepPushing

view all 6,378 comments

username1 CHAMPPPPP

username2 he’s so pretty istg

landonorris The friendship made it out of the triple header after all

↳ username2 LANDO PLASE 😭😭

danielricciardo Can you take me with you to St. Tropez?

↳ yourinstagram NO

↳ username3 yn must be tired of daniel always thirdwheeling

yourinstagram pretty boy. a champion. the goat. the world champion forever. most handsome man to grace this earth. the best to ever do it

↳ maxverstappen1 Flattery will get you nowhere

↳ yourinstagram I JUST WANT A PUPPY 😩

↳ username4 his cat person ass will never poor yn

liked by alexandrasaintmleux, maxverstappen1 and 188,254 others

yourinstagram our happy place forever 🫶 expect a very sunburnt maxie for the next gp

view all 2,511 comments

username1 they own saint tropez

username2 BOYFRIEND MAXXXXX

lilyhme stunning 😍😍

username3 IS THAT JIMMY OR SASSY IN THE LAST PIC ??? AND MAX’S SHIRT I CANT

↳ username1 cat dad forever

alex_albon Team cats rule

↳ yourinstagram don’t do this i’m trying to convince him to get me a dog

↳ danielricciardo And I don’t think that’s working

↳ yourinstagram STFU 😭😭

username4 yn is stunning can max fight ??

↳ yourinstagram he can’t

maxverstappen1 1. I can fight

2. You’re the most beautiful girl ever

3. Why would you want a dog when we have Jimmy looking that adorable

↳ yourinstagram 1. you can’t 2. ilysm 3. JUST GET ME A DOG

↳ landonorris 1. i can confirm he can’t 2. you’re disgustingly cute 3. max don’t be a bitch get her a dog

↳ yourinstagram THANK YOU LANDINHO

↳ maxverstappen1 Nope

liked by yourinstagram, charles_leclerc and 1,022,735 others

maxverstappen1 My 🤍

view all 10,635 comments

username1 AWE

username2 SIMP MAX MY HEART

redbullracing We love love ❤️

↳ yourinstagram ily too redbull admin

username3 max verstappen three time world champion uses instagram as a fanpage for his girlfriend

↳ username1 as he should

landonorris SIMP

↳ maxverstappen1 Don’t be jealous Lando

↳ yourinstagram you’ll never have him 😤

danielricciardo How’s the dog searching going?

↳ yourinstagram your bff is being such a bad boyfriend right now

↳ maxverstappen1 I’m never a bad boyfriend :(

↳ yourinstagram get me a dog and you’ll be the best boyfriend ever

↳ username2 THIS IS SO 😭😭 just get yn a dog

yourinstagram love youuuu cat dad soon to be dog dad

↳ maxverstappen1 Never

↳ yourinstagram MAXIE PLEASE 😭😭

liked by maxverstappen1, francisca.cgomes and 196,536 others

yourinstagram he could be boyfriend of the year but he refuses to get me a dog

tagged: maxverstappen1

view all 2,399 comments

username1 HEEEELP

username2 max verstappen the cat dad that you are

alex_albon 😂😂😂 Cat dads unite

username3 MAX LOOKS SO PRETTY I CANTTTT

victoriaverstappen I’m going to have a serious chat with him

↳ yourinstagram please do but bring the kids with you bc i miss them 🥲

charles_leclerc I hope Alex thinks I’m boyfriend of the year then

↳ alexandrasaintmleux Maybe 🥰

↳ yourinstagram ugh

username4 justice for jimmy and sassy

↳ yourinstagram they’re my kids and i love them i just want them to have a dog sibling

danielricciardo You boyfriend is a die hard cat person I don’t think that’s happening.

↳ yourinstagram did i ask? mind your business

↳ username1 HEEELP 😭

maxverstappen1 I could get you ten new cats if you wanted

↳ yourinstagram but i want a DOG

liked by yourinstagram, pierregasly and 1,026,337 others

maxverstappen1 Happy family

view all 10,266 comments

username1 IMMM THIS IS TOO CUTE

username2 JIMMY AND SASSYYYYY

redbullracing Cat mom and dad 💙

↳ yourinstagram redbull admin i thought you were on my side..

username3 help he said we’re NAWT getting a dog

username4 yn is literally so pretty

landonorris Just get her the puppy man…

↳ maxverstappen1 There’s no need, we’re a happy family like this

↳ yourinstagram you’re so MEAN

victoriaverstappen You won’t be boyfriend of the year like this

↳ maxverstappen1 I know I will be anyways 🥰

↳ yourinstagram don’t get to confident dude

yourinstagram jimmy and sassy are my kids and i love them but we would be an even happier family with a puppy too

↳ username1 she’s not giving up

↳ username2 max verstappen get your girlfriend a dog

↳ maxverstappen1 I don’t think so ❤️

liked by username1, username2 and 34,735 others

f1updates “Yeah, my girlfriend has serious dog fever right now. Several guys have dogs but we’ve got cats. She keeps bringing up Pierre and his girlfriend recently getting a puppy too, an it’s definitely not helping my case as a cat dad.” -Max in the press conference today 😭

view all 853 comments

username1 HELP ME

username2 he just REFUSES to get a dog

username3 he’s so annoying

username4 I LOVE CAT DAD MAX SO BAD UGH

username5 poor yn 😭

yourinstagram JUST GET ME A DOG PLEASE @/maxverstappen1

↳ username1 MAX JUST LISTEN TO YOUR WOMAN

↳ username2 cat dad forever

liked by maxverstappen1, francisca.cgomes and 197,637 others

yourinstagram airport looks, mad max and simba gasly who now has my heart 😩 my dog fever is through the roof idc

view all 2,864 comments

username1 PRETTYYYYYT

username2 broooo mad max was mad maxing this weekend

username3 JUST GET YOUR GIRL A DOG @/maxverstappen

pierregasly My kid ❤️

alexandrasaintmleux Leo is sad right now

↳ yourinstagram MY BABY LEO i miss him so much

username4 jimmy and sassy feel betrayed

landonorris Just get the damn dog @/maxverstappen1

↳ yourinstagram THANK YOU

↳ maxverstappen1 Here we go…

username5 #maxgetyourgirlfriendadog

alex_albon I’m team Jimmy and Sassy

↳ yourinstagram ffs what part of they could be siblings do y’all not understand

username6 dog talk aside, yn is soooo pretty

maxverstappen1 I thought I had your heart

↳ yourinstagram you don’t have my heart right now because you won’t get me a dog

↳ username2 GOTCHA

↳ danielricciardo 😂😂😂😂

liked by username1, username2 and 27,936 others

maxupdates Happy Max with his Cat Dad bracelet !

view all 1,386 comments

username1 AHHHH BABY

username2 CAT DAD FOREVER

username3 not when his gf wants a dog 😭

danielricciardo This is the spirit you’re trying to break @/yourinstagram

↳ username1 ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

↳ username2 DANIEL WTF 😭😭

↳ yourinstagram 1. why do you follow fanpages of my boyfriend? 2. HE CAN BE A CAT DAD AND A DOG DAD

↳ username3 this is good

↳ maxverstappen1 Cat dad only

↳ username4 MAX 😭😭😭😭

↳ yourinstagram MAXIE IM BEGGING

liked by username1, username2 and 43,725 others

f1updates Max Verstappen was seen outside of a dog shelter with his girlfriend today!

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username1 OMFGGGGG

username2 HIS FACE I CANT 😭

username3 AHHH THEY’RE GETTING A DOG

username4 yn finally won

username5 DOG DAD MAX INCOMING

username6 he’s clearly happy about it

username7 team dog dad forever

liked by maxverstappen1, lilymhe and 202,322 comments

yourinstagram IM IN HEAVEN ❤️🥹🥹🥹

view all 4,022 comments

username1 FINALLYYYY

username2 ahhh i bet they adopted one of them i could cry

francisca.cgomes 🤍🤍🤍

username3 ARE YOU DOG PARENTS ALREADY???

↳ yourinstagram not yet but really sooooon maxie absolutely loved them 🥲

↳ username1 i knew there was a dog person deep inside of him

redbullracing We love to see it

↳ yourinstagram can christian horner be the godfather ?

↳ username1 HEEEELP

alexandrasaintmleux About time. Leo needed a pal

↳ francisca.cgomes What about Simba?

↳ yourinstagram my babies actually 🥲🥲

danielricciardo Persistence is key

maxverstappen1 The things I do for love…

↳ yourinstagram I LOVE YOU MAXIEEE

↳ username3 he’s boyfriend of the year now

liked by landonorris, yourinstagram and 1,386,257 others

maxverstappen1 I gave in. Welcome to the family, Jack Verstappen.

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username1 OMFGGGGGGGG

username2 MAX IS A DOG DADDD I CANT

redbullracing We finally have a RedBull kid in the Paddock playground 💙

↳ scuderiaferrari Leo leclerc >>>

↳ username3 the admins are wilding 😭

francisca.cgomes Such a cutie 🥹

victoriaverstappen Finally!!

username3 why jack tho

↳ yourinstagram in honor to the club in monaco and ofc max chose the name

↳ username1 HEEEELP

↳ username2 his obsession with naming his pets after monaco clubs…

alex_albon How are Jimmy and Sassy doing? 😂

↳ maxverstappen1 My poor kids…

↳ yourinstagram THEY’RE BESTIESSSS

landonorris God finally I was done with your gf yapping

↳ yourinstagram you’re so mean to me for no reason

danielricciardo If you need another one I can bark

↳ username1 DANIEL WTF

↳ maxverstappen1 Where did this even come from

yourinstagram MY BABY 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

↳ maxverstappen1 Happy now?

↳ yourinstagram very ily

liked by maxverstappen1, alexandrasaintmleux and 221,625 others

yourinstagram BESTIES 🥰

view all 4,279 comments

username1 IM CRYING

username2 POOR JIMMY 😭

↳ yourinstagram jimmy and jack are like this 🤞

alex_albon 😂😂😂😂

victoriaverstappen The best family

francisca.cgomes Jack is so cute my heartttt

username3 Patiently waiting for the Leo x Roscoe x Simba x Jack reunion

↳ yourinstagram they should create a band. one direction who?

landonorris why do i want a dog now

↳ maxverstappen1 Don’t mate

↳ yourinstagram oh stfu maxie you spend hours cuddling jack

↳ username2 BUSTED

username4 she really masterminded her way into getting a dog

redbullracing Jimmy and Jack. Icons

↳ maxverstappen1 Don’t forget about Sassy

↳ yourinstagram my girl 🥲

maxverstappen1 My kids ❤️ plus Sassy

↳ yourinstagram THERE HE ISSSS DOG DAD

↳ maxverstappen1 Cat dad first and foremost, always

[overtake]

You will never hear any of that pathetic ass “I’m a Max fan but I’m tired of him winning too” shit over here. I want him to win every weekend. I want every record. I want the sport to be renamed after him. I want the Dutch national anthem to be censored on the Sky Sports broadcast because it triggers them so badly. I want other drivers to cease procreating because they can’t fathom bringing a child into this world only to have them watch their parent be ruthlessly embarrassed every Sunday. I want hoards of hopeless drivers to show up and kneel down each week before a grey, elderly Max as he claims his 900th race win in a row. Maybe sometimes he feels like being a kind, benevolent monarch and lets someone else have a day, but I’m certainly not going to be the disloyal subject begging for it to happen!

[180abroad]

Day 144: Going East

Today, after two and a half months in (mostly) English-speaking countries, it was finally time to dive back into continental Europe. And we'd be diving pretty deep--all the way over to Poland.

After our last British breakfast, we took a taxi out to the Inverness airport. Our flight was at 10:55, and our host had recommended leaving at 8:30  to make sure we had plenty of time.

Back when we first arrived in Scotland, we'd thought that flying out of Dublin was as easy as it could get (not counting the Burger King incident). But Inverness was on another level. Checking in, dropping off our bags, and going through security took less than 15 minutes total. That left us plenty of time to browse the airports impressively stocked whisky shop and admire the airport's three gates. Not three terminals--three gates.

Our flight was with KLM Royal Dutch Airlines and included a layover in Amsterdam. We were a little nervous about the layover because it would only be 35 minutes long. But the tickets had all been booked directly through KLM, so we figured that we could trust their judgement.

It worked out, but I’m not so sure about their judgement.

Our flight from Inverness actually left early, and we arrived in Amsterdam over ten minutes ahead of schedule. Which was a very good thing, because we were at the far end of one terminal while our next flight was at the far end of the opposite terminal. And half of the moving walkways were out of service. And we had to go through passport control.

There was a fast-track lane for short connections at passport control, but an attendant told us to go into the main line anyway. This wasn’t an Inverness or even a Dublin line–this was a major-international-hub line. After waiting in this line for about ten minutes, our mental math was raising red flags. We would have a hard time getting through the line before our flight took off, let alone getting all the way to the gate, which was still a considerable walk beyond the passport control desks.

Just as we were getting ready to ask again, another attendant came up and shouted for us to get over into the fast-track line.

Passports stamped, we speedwalked straight to the gate, bypassing several badly needed bathrooms, and only just made it to the gate at the scheduled opening time. If our plane from Inverness hadn't arrived early, we might not have made it to our gate even if we hadn't gotten stuck at passport control.

Luckily for us, our next plane was also late, so we had time to use the toilets and grab a cold beverage from a vending machine before hopping on the bus that took us to our plane. It was smaller than the plane we took from Dublin to Edinburgh, but it did have jet engines instead of turboprops–so I still count it as an upgrade.

The flight was smooth, and soon enough we were stepping out into Krakow's John Paul II Airport. We decided to get some Polish Złotys (pronounced “zwah-tes”) from the airport ATMs (or "Bankomats") before hailing a taxi from into town. We ended up withdrawing way more money than we needed--the interface had been designed to make it look like you couldn't pull out smaller amounts unless you looked closely.

As it turned out, we probably would have been better off skipping ATMs in Poland altogether.

I always imagined Eastern Europe as a very cash-based place, but that couldn't have been further from the truth--at least in Krakow. Everyone there seems to use credit cards for everything. Spending the 100zł bills that we'd gotten from the ATMs (worth about $25 US) was nearly impossible. Even at large grocery stores and tourist sites, the cashiers would just shake their heads and smile at us condescendingly as if we were simpletons trying to pay with rocks.

We eventually went looking for a bank or currency exchange that would break some of our larger bills for us and gave up after a frustratingly unsuccessful hour of searching. Two of the currency exchanges (or "kantors") practically laughed us out of the doors.

I have to admit that I got angry once or twice over this odd phenomenon. There are ATMs everywhere in Krakow. How is it possible that everyone is using them when the money they dispense is worthless?

It actually seemed like there was a shortage of small bills and coins going on. When I tried to buy 41zł worth of groceries with a 50zł note, the cashier was visibly distressed at the prospect of having to scrounge together 9zł in change. When Jessica managed to rustle up a 1zł coin from her wallet (bringing the change to a single 10zł bill), the cashier's face lit up with relief and gratitude.

All of this wouldn't have been a much smaller deal if my credit card hadn't stopped working back in Scotland. We never figured out why, but at some point my credit card's chip had gotten corrupted and slowly started working less and less reliably. By the time we reached Krakow, it had stopped working altogether. I eventually got comfortable using Android Pay at places that took it, but Jessica ended up making most of our in-person purchases for the remaining two months of the trip.

But all of that was still ahead of us in the coming hours and days. For now, we happily made our way to the airport taxi stand with cash in hand and got a ride into town.

The first thing that struck me about Poland–and I noticed it from the airplane window before we even landed–was the totally unique landscape. I’ve seen forests, farmland, and urban sprawl before, but never mixed together quite so thoroughly. On the 30-minute drive from the airport into town, we passed through dense forests, low-density farmland, and a wilderness adventure park. Even in the suburban periphery of the city, apartment blocks are separated by cornfields as well as vacant lots.

This patchwork aesthetic extends to the architecture of the old city itself. On any given street, the buildings form a mosaic that tells the long and turbulent story of Poland’s past, from the middle ages through the 21st century. Many struck me as ironically eastern European, with inward-sloping buttressed walls and steep, almost pagoda-like roofs. Others looked straight out of Renaissance Venice or Imperial Vienna. And, of course, there are the Brutalist mementos of Soviet austerity.

What holds it all together is a charmingly rough-around-the-edges spirit of making do with what you have. Concrete walls patched with plaster, plaster walls patched with plywood. Walking down an alleyway between two buildings, you might tread on tile, cement, and gravel all in the space of thirty yards.

But this is not a third-world country. Enter into one of these unassuming domiciles, and you might find a surprisingly luxurious abode.

Like ours.

Poland is not a wealthy country. But that means that a little money can go a long way. And while you may trip on a pothole or slip on a patch of sand outdoors, you can come home to a bathtub bigger than any I’ve enjoyed in the States.

The second thing I noticed about Poland are the people. They are both the most reserved and the most outgoing people I’ve met in Europe.

Professionally and in public, everyone is just a blank face in the crowd. Our taxi driver from the airport did not make a single attempt at small talk the entire ride (not that I’m complaining!), and shopkeepers have no trouble flatly declining to assist you if you ask for something they don’t want to do.

But if you engage them personally, as a friend, guest, or tour companion, you’ll have trouble getting a word in edgewise as they talk your ears off with kind enthusiasm, sincere questions, and thoughtful advice.

Obviously, this is a stereotype and doesn’t apply to everyone in Poland. But it’s exactly what Jessica–who spent a summer here in 2010–told me to expect, and it’s exactly what I’ve experienced.

Another funny quirk is that two of Poland's biggest chain stores are named after animals. The main supermarket chain is called Biedronka, which means ladybug, and the main convenience store chain is called Zabka, which means frog.

After checking into our Airbnb and stocking up on groceries, Jessica could hardly wait to take me into the old town. Rick Steves says there isn’t a better city in Europe for just wandering around in, and I can’t say I disagree.

The main market square is spectacular–like Venice’s San Marco Square and Madrid’s Puerta del Sol rolled into one.

The old Renaissance merchant hall dominates the center of the square, and St. Mary’s Basilica stands proudly overlooking its northern corner.

Technically, the church only has one tower. The taller tower on the left–the one with the crown encircling its spire–is officially a city watchtower. According to legend, a 13th-century watchman was struck silent by an enemy arrow in the middle of trumpeting an alarm. Now, every hour on the hour, a trumpeter plays the same traditional anthem almost but not quite to completion in his honor.

The curtailed call is also used by the Polish national radio broadcaster, so it is a familiar sound across the country.

After taking a peek inside the market hall and up at the nearby clock tower–the remains of an otherwise-demolished medieval city hall–we meandered up the main road to the barbican gate–one of the few remaining parts of Krakow’s medieval walls.

Unlike the many European cities that turned their medieval walls into ring roads, Krakow turned their walls into a green belt surrounding the old city center. Like many Polish names, it was unintentionally amusing to us as English speakers--Planty Park.

As we walked back down the main tourist drag, Jessica noted how much the place had changed in just the past eight years. A local café she'd wanted to take me to had been replaced by a Starbucks, and there were a lot more ethnic restaurants than she remembered seeing before. Though not all of them looked especially authentic.

Tired and thirsty, we headed back to our flat after stopping for drinks at a Zabka along the way. It was a warm night, but thankfully the windows were big and opened wide. As much as I had feared a culture shock, and our currency-related annoyances notwithstanding, our arrival in Poland had been surprisingly smooth. We were comfortable, well-fed, and excited to see what the city had to offer.

Next Post: Schindler’s Factory and St. Mary’s Basilica

Last Post: Resting Up (Markets, Museums, and More Pizza)

[monabela]

for the claim, ‘Early Republic of the United Netherlands, 1588-1609′, I present my (first) contribution to @aphabriefhistoryoftime aaaand I know it’s not the best thing I’ve ever written but I just wanted to give my Dutch provinces OCs some time in the limelight and talk about what I think the Origin Story of the Netherlands is. he is still Holland in most of this fic. I called places by the names used in English... for consistency I guess.

for some background; at this point in time, the Dutch Revolt/Eighty Years' War is going on - largely speaking, the fight for independence from Spain. it started in 1568, and at the point this fic starts, the seven northern provinces have formed a sort of union and are fighting to gain control of the southern provinces, which are under Spanish control. it's almost the modern-day Dutch-Belgian border, if you want an easy way to visualize it. here's a map!

title is from the national anthem's original text, meaning "loyal to the fatherland I will remain until I die".

den vaderlant getrouwe/blyf ick tot in den doet

characters: The Netherlands/Holland, the (other) Dutch provinces

word count: 3558 summary: A series of seven meetings Holland has from 1588 to 1609, while he and the other provinces solidify their stance as the Republic of the Seven United Netherlands - which is far from free of internal struggle.

also on AO3

I. The Hague, 1588

They had run out of options.

In a rare turn of events, all seven of them were present in The Hague, scattered in various stages of exhaustion on Holland’s furniture, coats and hats and even shoes discarded.

Guelders and Overijssel were leaning their backs against each other, Zeeland and Friesland were bent together and whispering, Groningen was eyeing them warily, and even Utrecht wasn’t looking his usual put-together self, his hat lying next to him and his dark hair falling across his eyes.

Holland sighed. The United Provinces were mostly united in exhaustion at this point.

Well, at least that meant he’d possibly be able to speak without being interrupted for once. He stood.

“Spain no longer has an armada,” he started, because honestly, that was the best news in a long while. “Thanks to England. We, however, no longer have a monarch.”

“No thanks to England,” Friesland added, her eyes flashing. She looked much like England, at many times, but he never had such fire in his gaze.

Holland only nodded at her. They were on speaking terms now, but fighting towards a common goal, but their last war was still fresh in his memory, and undoubtedly in hers as well. Friesland wasn’t the forgetting type. She looked away again.

“Our people have given up trying to find a monarch, the English sent here are returning to England, the Spaniards are going to France to fight there, and none of us have seen Spain since—when was it?”

Raising his eyebrows at Holland, Zeeland was the one who replied, “I saw him about, oh, three years ago. He was going to Flanders.” With a dark note to his voice, he added, “That man has too many fingers in too many pies.”

“Yes, I—”

“Holland, why are we in The Hague?”

He took a very deep breath and wondered he ever let Zeeland say anything. He was worse than Friesland in many ways.

The other five started chattering as well, and Holland couldn’t tell if they were defending him or Zeeland or if they were just being contrary for the fun of it. He sat back down, pressed his fingertips to his temples, and waited.

It wasn’t as though he was in charge of them; the seven provinces, united in their desire to be free from Spain, were all equal in their arrangement as it stood. Whoever was available could represent all of them to their people—could speak as the United Netherlands when seeking aid from England, when trying to convince Brabant to help them because some of her lands were in their hand after all, when meeting with Flanders, who was now by the grace of Spain the representative for all of his territories in the Low Countries—but Holland knew his stadtholder had him pegged to be their only personification abroad, to further the sense of unity.

He hadn’t told any of the other provinces this—just having Zeeland and Friesland nagging him about everything was enough.

Eventually, everyone quieted down again.

Groningen, ever the calm one, turned to the group at large.

“If we don’t have a monarch,” he started, and everyone leaned towards him to be able to understand his breathy voice, “that means we’re a republic.”

And wasn’t that just strange? How could something like that just happen, without intent?

“We have a prince,” Zeeland said.

“The prince lives in Spain and he’s Catholic,” Friesland retorted. “And your stadtholder isn’t a legitimate prince until he dies, you know that.”

They were all silent again.

Holland and Zeeland had the same stadtholder, the young Maurice of Nassau, who had also been appointed Captain-General of the army the previous year. Maurice was a smart man, and Holland liked him for his keen eye for warfare. It reminded him of his father, with whom he had started the revolt against Spain.

Groningen spread his hands forward and tossed his lovelock over one shoulder, which made Friesland roll her eyes at him. He, as usual, ignored her.

“So we’re a republic, be that we like it or not.  And we’re still at war.”

“We should go to Flanders,” Zeeland interjected, then actually recoiled when Groningen shot him a dirty look. Overijssel and Guelders snorted as one.

“What we need to do is stop being petty about where we meet and get ready to assist our stadtholders in their next move.”

Holland shot him a grateful look. Not all of Groningen’s land was part of the Dutch States’ territory, but he was on their side with more conviction than Friesland was.

“He’s right,” Utrecht added, having regained some of his composure and straightening his doublet. “We need to learn to work together, and not—Zeeland, will you stop making that face, please.”

Zeeland was pulling the most innocent face possible when Holland exasperatedly glanced his way, and leaning an elbow on Friesland’s shoulder. His mustache was twitching at one corner, betraying the look.

“Don’t make fun of Utrecht’s poor eyesight,” Holland sighed.

“Don’t rub it in!” Utrecht said, angrily picking up his glasses and pressing them to his nose.

And just like that, they were all off again.

Holland resolved to make sure no more than three of them would be in one room at any given moment from now on.

-

II. Leeuwarden, 1593

Holland was so tired of Friesland.

He shouldn’t even be here. He should be with his stadtholder on his own ground—he could feel Maurice’s troops gathering around the last city on them that was still in Spanish hands—but Friesland was just…

“I’m staying here,” she said again, crossing her arms. She was wearing a man’s doublet, her hair tied back from her face so that her dark eyebrows seemed to take up the largest part of it. Green eyes were hard. This was the way Holland knew her best, the stubborn, headstrong woman who’d resisted him for so long, resisted anyone who came near.

 “You know we voted in favor of this,” he said, glancing forlornly at Groningen, who wasn’t contributing anything whatsoever. “The Spanish are expecting us to go to Groningen when the troops return from Luxembourg.”

The past few years had been hectic; Maurice of Nassau was now also stadtholder of Utrecht, Guelders and Overijssel, and had booked significant successes for the United Provinces—that Friesland still vehemently refused to call anything containing the word ‘republic’ or ‘Netherlands’. They were now centrally governed from The Hague, with each province getting a vote of their own in the States General. Well, except for Drenthe, but she somehow didn’t seem to mind much.

Even as everyone agreed on making sure all of Holland was truly theirs, Zeeland kept nagging about Flanders—but at least he eventually agreed to help—and Friesland refused to go anywhere else than Groningen, insisting they had to get all of that province in hand. She was staying on her own territory for now.

Groningen didn’t seem to have an opinion one way or another.

Which brought Holland here, hours away from his own home, to the north of the Republic, to “try and talk some sense into her before the Spanish realize that Luxembourg is a diversion”. He still liked Maurice, but he hadn’t been dealing with Friesland and her stubbornness for as long as Holland had, and it showed.

He spared a thought for Luxembourg, who was an unwitting victim in all of this. He never seemed very interested in what Holland or Flanders were getting up to.

“So, Holland,” Friesland was saying now, snapping him from his thoughts, “run on back to your stadtholder and tell him I’ll be waiting here with my people until he realizes he needs us and comes to help.”

Groningen had swung both his legs over the armrest of his chair and was writing something with an inkwell precariously balancing on his knees, cushioned by his hose. Holland obviously shouldn’t expect anything from him. To be honest, none of the other provinces were ever inclined to get between him and Friesland, not even Zeeland.

Holland bit the inside of his cheek, picked his hat up from the table, and put it on his head. Friesland made no move to see him out, so he left on his own, without as much as a goodbye. He’d see her again soon enough. Groningen was to be taken next year.

-

III. Groningen, 1594

It was official now. They were, the seven of them and Drenthe, the Republic of the United Netherlands. Friesland could keep complaining all she wanted, but that was how the world would know them.

Holland sat on the steps of a building in the sun, listening to the noise that was Maurice of Nassau arriving in the city to celebrate their victory. The seven provinces were once again complete now that Groningen was all theirs.

“I thought I’d find you here.” The breathy voice was expected, and Holland merely nodded up at Groningen himself as he sat down next to him. His pale hair still shone in the sunlight, glinting nearly painfully, but he looked weary. There were dark circles under his brown eyes, and he was squinting down the street. Holland remembered how drained he’d felt after sieges in his own home—Leiden the most immediate one coming to mind—and patted the man’s knee.

Groningen huffed a laugh.

“Thank you, Holland.” Swiping his ever-too-long hair out of his face, he turned to him shrewdly. “Although I suppose we’ll be calling you Republic of the United Netherlands before long, isn’t it?”

Holland leaned back on his hands and looked down the street unseeingly.

“It makes sense,” Groningen continued. He seemed unperturbed, but he nearly always did. “And that’s not saying I like it, but if a new nation were to appear to represent us, they would have been found by now. I’ve heard the Holy Roman Empire appeared before anyone could even start to argue about representation. The situation was different, of course, but if anything is comparable, that would be it.”

Holland knew this; he’d been part of the Holy Roman Empire himself at the time, just a child and unaware of much that was happening on the rest of the continent. He’d explained what he could of the appearance, the duty, of nations to Maurice, and the man had concluded there was no other option than for one of the seven provinces to become the Republic of the United Netherlands. Holland reluctantly agreed, knowing it would be him and knowing the other provinces would hate him for it.

“Maybe we can rotate,” he said feebly, and Groningen laughed again.

“Oh, Holland. Once you are the Republic, you will forever be the Republic.”

“I know.” He sighed. “But, actually, I think I’m going to go with just ‘The Netherlands’.”

“Friesland will hate that even more.”

“I know,” he repeated. “There’s no helping it.”

They sat silently for a long time, a summer breeze lifting Groningen’s hair and threatening to upend Holland’s hat, and Holland reflected that even amid all the chaos of the revolt—had it really been almost thirty years already?—it was nice to do nothing sometimes.

-

IV. Flushing, 1596

“England, Holland!” Zeeland was coming after him. “England?”

“Stop saying my name,” Holland snapped, halting abruptly and spinning on his heels. “We’re in public. And, listen, I know you don’t like him—”

“Don’t like him?” Zeeland made an expansive gesture, almost knocking his own hat off. “I hate him, and now he’s in charge of one of my main cities!”

“He’s not—it’s just a lease.”

“Hol—Maarten, I can see that. It was important for us to have allies, and to be recognized as an independent nation by England and France is great, but why Flushing?”

Holland has explained this time and time again already and knew that Zeeland understood it perfectly well; he was a smart man. England had been an immense help even before he, France and the Netherlands officially vowed their triple alliance against Spain, and he’d needed compensation. Just two cities on lease, Flushing in Zeeland one of them.

Of course, it was never that easy when Zeeland was involved. The second-richest province, the second-most important port, second anything, Holland could understand where his feelings of betrayal came from, but he could hardly have let England take over Amsterdam, could he?

They stalked through the streets of the city; Holland could hear the sea rushing close by, an autumn storm building. He imagined, if he stood on the docks and the weather was clear, he’d almost be able to see Flanders on the other side of the sea, could feel the pull of its personification. He felt strangely close to her now, now that they had the same role of being the representation for all the provinces in their sphere of influence, even if Flanders was only so because Spain decided she should be.

“Why Flushing?”

They had actually reached the shore now. Holland sighed.

“I don’t know everything, Marinus,” he said, addressing Zeeland by his human alias in turn. Some humans passed by behind them, on the way to the market. Despite everything, trade in the whole Republic was flourishing. “You know none of us have much power over our people anymore.”

“I know. But your people have a lot of power over mine.”

They were back to the familiar argument, and Holland was tired of it. He whirled on the province.

“I didn’t ask to be the Netherlands, Marinus! I never wanted to pretend to be more than any of you!”

The humans stopped and stared at him; Zeeland did as well, holding on to his hat, his coat flapping in the wind as it picked up. He was used to storms, Holland knew, was used to feeling the water and the wind tear at his islands. In that way, he was maybe the strongest of the seven of them, but Holland didn’t envy him for it.

“There’s nothing we can do about it now,” he said through clenched teeth. “Maybe after we’re free, but—”

“No, you’re right, I know you are.” Zeeland rubbed the bridge of his nose. “It will take time to get used to it, but I know you’re the best choice. And don’t make me repeat that. Can I ask one thing?”

Holland nodded, flummoxed by the turn of events. Zeeland of all people, recognizing him as the Republic of the United Netherlands?

“Let me represent us on the water.” He grinned in that way only he could. “Name some newfound land after me, maybe.”

That sounded quite all right. New Zeeland would be a good enough name for a country.

“We can work something out.”

“Thank you, Maarten.” He tilted his head. “The Netherlands.”

-

V. Utrecht, 1598

“Oh, Holland.” Utrecht stood up behind his modest desk, resting his fingertips on the dark wood. “I was told you’d come.”

Holland smiled tightly and let himself flop down on the chair on the other side of the desk. He felt as though he hadn’t sat down for weeks now. Utrecht would at least not bother him; he was like that. None of them were as organized as he was, and in the face of Holland’s own neatness, that was impressive indeed.

So he sat there, listening to the scratch of quill on paper as Utrecht wrote something down, and had almost drifted to sleep when the province finally spoke.

“How is Flanders?”

Holland looked up, blinking.

“She’s fine.” He huffed. “We’re supposed to call her the Austrian Netherlands now, I presume.”

Utrecht shook his head. Holland had no idea what he was trying to say with the gesture, because his expression was unreadable. It tended to be. He pushed his own hair away from his face. It was getting too long.

“You’d think we’d be used to it,” Utrecht said calmly. He marked something off on his paper. “The humans treating land as if no one lives in it. I suppose that’s what we’re supposed to be for, to remind them.”

Holland had never thought about it like that, which just went to show that they were better off together. Utrecht thought about things.

The Spanish Netherlands were now the Austrian Netherlands, just because the King of Spain decided to give them to his daughter when she married the Archduke of Austria. It went like that. Holland himself had been gifted back and forth a lot in the dark ages.

They sat in silence for a while longer.

“I’m tired,” Holland eventually said.

“I know,” Utrecht replied. “But we aren’t there yet. We will have to keep going.”

But for how much longer? It had already been thirty years, and neither the Republic nor Spain was ready to give up. The triple alliance had all but fallen apart now that France made peace with Spain. Holland was feeling the pressure all around him.

“We’ll get there.” Utrecht’s ice-blue gaze was steady on Holland when he looked. “With or without Flanders.”

-

VI. Nijmegen, 1604

Holland knew he was fleeing, this time. He knew he couldn’t face the damage wrought on Flanders quite yet. He’d have to face her sometime, but for now, it was enough to feel the loss of his own people like an ache in his chest.

His people were getting quite desperate; now that the triple alliance was definitely done with after the reconciliation of Spain and England, and attempts to make peace were not getting anywhere, even if the Austrian Habsburgs were marginally better than the Spanish, all the focus was on the Republic again. For months now, there had been a siege going on in the only city in Flanders still under their control, and it wasn’t pretty.

So here he was instead of in Flanders, where his people were losing to Spain’s.

Guelders and Overijssel—and really, did those two ever go anywhere without the other—were both milling around the room restlessly. Holland hadn’t seen either of them for a while. They weren’t as annoying as the other provinces tended to be. Guelders took his role as being the first one allowed to cast his vote in the States General quite seriously, and he was always ready to help other people when none of the other six were.

Well, except for Drenthe, who was really the nicest one.

They kept forgetting about her.

“How are things in Amsterdam?” Overijssel asked.

“Same as ever,” Holland replied, pretending everything was all right. “Busy above all else.”

“Of course, of course!” With a sweep of his arm and a snag of his sleeve, Overijssel had sent papers flying everywhere. Guelders shot him a flat look and went about gathering them. Holland watched them with faint amusement.

Things weren’t well at all, and he was actually hoping to come to at least some sort of truce by now even if his stadtholder was unwilling, but at least these two didn’t change.

-

VII. Antwerp, 1609

And then there it was. The first time all seven of them were together again for the first time in year and years, and Drenthe was there too. And Spain, and Flanders, and there was a truce.

There was a truce.

“You don’t really think this means we’ll get a reprieve, do you?” Utrecht asked, pressing his glasses to his face, cheeks sunken in the flickering light in the hall.

Holland closed his eyes and held his hands up. He knew there was too much internal tension for there to be peace in the United Netherlands, but at least they wouldn’t have to fight Spain while hashing it out. Moreover, after the truce, they could go to Brabant, maybe even Limburg, maybe even Flanders.

Spain called him the Netherlands, albeit in French and with a condescending twist to his voice, but he recognized that they were one. He recognized that he spoke for all of the provinces.

“I still hate it,” Friesland said.

“We know,” said everyone who heard her, although it wasn’t all that clear whether she was referring to the name or her ostentatious dress.

“I’m going to sail,” Zeeland announced, and Flanders looked as though she’d be happy to be rid of him for a while. Holland—the Netherlands—smiled helplessly at her and found his own eyes reflected in hers. She smiled back equally helplessly through the throng of people, humans and nations alike. It seemed as though all the southern provinces—the Spanish, the Austrian, the Habsburg, whatever anyone called them—were all in Antwerp for the signing of the truce as well. Luxembourg was loudly complaining to Spain about the food of all things. He was a weird guy.

Maybe they wouldn’t go to Flanders. Maybe, Flanders should be on her own.

No one would agree with him, Netherlands thought.

Well, when did they ever?

Brabant was looking at him from her corner of the room as if trying to seize him up. They’d done quite some damage to her largest cities while trying to advance, and she seemed to be trying to stay out of everything as much as she could. Netherlands nodded at her. She nodded back and turned away to talk to her people.

The future was looking less grim now; time to make some money.

Netherlands was going to sell so many things to Spain.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 14/11/2020 (Ariana Grande, Little Mix)

We’re in a similar situation to last week where despite two massive albums – Little Mix’s Confetti even debuting at #2 on the album chart behind Kylie Minogue’s Disco (which was unprecedented but completely understandable since Kylie is massive here) – are both released, but there’s a very muted impact on the chart, mostly because of silly UK Singles Chart rules. In fact, you could argue there’s more impact from smaller releases from Giggs and The Kid LAROI, but that’s just how streaming goes. Since this chart doesn’t include radio, hip-hop has more of a chance in many ways to debut on the chart than the type of pop Kylie makes but its longevity is seriously impaired. Also, ageism doesn’t exist on the albums chart but on here it is in full effect. Regardless, we have 12 new arrivals, mostly from the aforementioned artists, so let’s start. Ariana Grande’s “positions” is still #1 – you can chalk that up to lack of competition – and welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Before we get to the songs debuting on the UK Top 75 proper this week, let’s have our brief little musical rundown, starting with the drop-outs as there were a fair few, namely “Go Crazy” by Chris Brown and Young Thug (a pretty damn big hit for the both of them), “West Ten” by AJ Tracey and Mabel (again, a very big hit, one of the biggest of the year making its exit), “Only You Freestyle” by Headie One and Drake lasting longer than I expected or it probably should have, “Loose” by S1mba and KSI leaving perhaps prematurely, “808” by Da Beatfreakz, Dutchavelli, DigDat and B Young, “5AM” by M Huncho and Nafe Smallz (Thank God) and a couple of our high debuts and returns from last week, like “motive” by Ariana Grande featuring Doja Cat – but we will see more of Ariana today – and the charity single “Four Notes – Paul’s Tune” by Paul Harvey and the BBC Philharmonic, as well as all three of the returning Halloween tracks, including “Thriller” by Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah, and as anyone could safely predict, all of the Bring Me the Horizon songs are gone, even “Teardrops”, which means we officially have 100% less metalcore on the chart, and I’m surprised to say I’m genuinely disappointed. In terms of returning entries, we have “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi making a return to #71, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey re-appearing for the first time this year and remarkably early to #60 and some returns from album boosts, those being “Magic” by Kylie Minogue peaking at #53 and “Happiness” by Little Mix doing the same at #43. The biggest fall this week was “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy dropping out of the top 10 to #31, probably because it had its streaming numbers cut as many songs do after they’ve reached more than 10 weeks in the top 40. The biggest gain however was for “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI just missing out on the top 40 at #44. I can honestly see this becoming huge. Oh, and “Whoopty” by CJ is now in the top 40 at #39. Joy... Let’s just get straight to these new songs.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “WITHOUT YOU” – The Kid LAROI

Produced by Blake Slatkin and Omar Fedi

So this kid LAROI released an EP that attaches to a mixtape he released earlier this year, Frick Love, which has been reissued as a sort of deluxe edition, without there even being a debut studio album to reissue, just a mixtape. Either way, this new hybrid deluxe version, repackaged as Frick Love (Savage), has been considerably more successful than the original mixtape so far, probably off of the back of that “SO DONE” single. Awful cover art aside; I did not listen to this project because I am not interested at all in some Australian emo-rapper’s EP, especially if it’s going to Marshmello, Machine Gun Kelly and YoungBoy Never Broke Again on it. This kid LAROI said that this is his favourite song off of the release because, and I quote verbatim: “I just like it, I don’t know, it’s kind of, dude, I don’t know, it’s a little different, it’s like a little, uh, acoustic vibe, uh, I just like it.” It’s nice to see this new generation of musicians be so articulate. Well, this is a pretty trite song with rote acoustic guitar strumming that is pretty conventional of softer emo-pop, but this song doesn’t come with infectious choruses, emotional bloodletting or even more than a single verse. Instead, it’s just absolute garbage with a guitar riff I swear I’ve heard before. There’s no development to this increasingly exhausting ballad other than this kid LAROI crooning and moaning in a pathetic Auto-Tune falsetto some clearly misogynist lyrics that he only picked up from Juice and other rappers. This kid shouldn’t care about making wives out of hoes, he should be studying. I’m almost offended by this on a personal level, or at least the principle that this kid at seventeen years old could go on about heartbreak that probably didn’t happen and use it to excuse and disguise clearly lazy, sexist lyrics. At least with other emo-rap it feels genuine and angsty. This is just disposable garbage that his audience will eat up like fast food, and it comes from such an insincere place that I can’t excuse it.

#66 – “ALWAYS DO” – The Kid LAROI

Produced by Omar Fedi, Khaled Rohaim, Donn Robb and Haan

Just like that, he’s back, folks. Okay, well, he starts off this song by saying he’s drinking again, which he can’t do for another year according to Australian law. I’ll take that as a complete lie he’s hogged from his mentor Juice WRLD and clearly not understood why that led to his downfall and death; the glamorisation of drugs in Juice’s music was unintentional and misconstrued that way by record label yes-men and some of his fans, who ate up the music and maybe didn’t grasp the message Juice was clearly advocating for. So, you’re just going to blindly lie to your fans – ALL of which are children – about substance abuse with very little commentary around it other than how it affects this fake relationship for the sake of making “relatable” hits that ultimately go against everything Juice would have wanted? Delightful. When other rappers talk about a bitch, they have a casual, disposable tone that suggests they’re groupies and whilst this is such an accepted form of misogyny in music, which also annoys me for the record even if music I adore expresses as such, it at least shows that the rappers don’t care or use the women as a line-filler or flex. When this douche says the word “bitch”, he means it. It comes with such vile, toxic bitterness that I’m convinced the Kid LAROI just hates women. Not even specific women, just the concept of “woman”. Sigh... can someone take this disrespectful toad off the charts – and quick?

#64 – “Buff Baddies” – Giggs

Produced by Trooh Hippi

Speaking on not respecting women, British rapper Giggs is here with his second mixtape. He’s got a couple more tracks on the chart, this is the first and it’s all about “buff baddies”. “WAP” has led to men thinking they can be extra horny as well and I’m not going to shame any kind of sex positivity but when Giggs talks almost exclusively what the women are doing for him and doesn’t have a lick of personality to it, it feels less absurd and over-the-top than it does just gross. It doesn’t help that his delivery is almost comically blunt and completely charmless over this non-existent cloudy trap beat, and there’s no hook or chorus to speak of, so this is just completely worthless. This reminds me of Dean Blunt’s Babyfather projects, you know, the mixtapes where he actively makes fun of this type of rap and even then is miles more interesting and charismatic? God, what an awful track.

#63 – “I’ll Call You Back” – dutchavelli

Produced by Big Zeeko

Oh, and dutchavelli released an album too called Dutch from the 5th, so we have more to come from him as well. Look, I’m tired, I’m fed up, I just want this episode to be done with and maybe I’m not in the right mood to listen to snooze-worthy generic hacks in modern hip hop all have their own mini-album bombs. Just maybe. I’m not sure if that excuses the clear lack of quality and effort in any of this, or the fact that the billion-dollar company I use to listen to the product of billion-dollar companies apparently can’t have an app that works and allows me to listen to said product. To be fair to dutch, this is a more introspective track with melancholy piano loops and pretty basic trap-drill percussion, but I do like some of the lyrical content here, where he talks about how even though he feels distant from his loved ones as a big star, he really wants to keep in contact and he details some of his struggles in a really heartfelt way. His delivery is emotive and even when it’s heavily Auto-Tuned, you can tell he’s pretty frustrated with the conflict between his newfound popularity and keeping up to standards with his personal relationships. He’s not always perfectly on beat and honestly the song kind of goes nowhere, but I like the lyrics about his childhood and his mother, and I especially think his breathless, stiff cadence when he pleads with his girlfriend is pretty effective. As a song though, I don’t think I’ll be going back to this at all, which is a shame.

#59 – “Get Out My Head” – Shane Codd

Produced by Shane Codd

Shane Codd is an Irish producer, singer and DJ from Dublin who amassed a following from his playlist showcasing classic trance and house hits from the 1990s and 2000s, which he became infatuated with as a child, explaining why his first and only song is already on the chart, albeit just at #59. That “Trance Anthems 90s-00s” playlist does have some bangers (I’m not going to complain about Alice Deejay, Moby or Zombie Nation), so does Codd follow in the footsteps of these classic trance acts? Well, no. No, he doesn’t. This is a house-pop song if anything, but it’s not like I know all the ins and outs of this stuff. I have a friend that does know a lot about trance; I don’t even think she’d like this. It’s pretty lazy, bizarrely-mixed house with a lot of focus on those classic 90s pianos that do sound straight out of that diva house and Eurodance era (in fact, this is practically a Eurodance song), but without much character to speak of. For a first song, it is impressively professional but not to the extent that the percussion sounds any less cheap or tinny, or that the chopped-up vocals, from some generic female singer as always, are charming. This is exactly what I think would happen if you fed a robot tropical house music, a couple FL Studio plug-ins and a “Trance Anthems 90s-00s” playlist, and told it to produce some kind of cohesive result in return. It’s telling that this soulless dreck charted, but hey, if he’s got the following and any kind of budget, he could improve considerably and this isn’t that bad on principle. It’s just wearing influences not on the sleeve but as make-up, to cover up the lack of artistic dignity or progression the guy has, not that I expect him to (it is only his first song after all). Next.

#56 – “Say Something” – Kylie Minogue

Produced by Jon Green and Richard “Biff” Stannard

I'm not a big Kylie Minogue fan but I can admit like anyone who's not too far up their own ass that she has a lot of classics, a lot of bops and most importantly to this show in particular, a lot of bonafide smash hits to her belt. My personal favourite is "The Loco-Motion" but her 2014 album Kiss Me Once was a big factor into my appreciation of this type of inoffensive dance-pop (that indirectly made me eventually start this series), especially the lead single "Into the Blue". Speaking of lead singles, this was the lead for her 2020 effort, Disco, but it didn't actually chart until this week interestingly. Well, with that said, there must be a reason the big lead single from July didn’t chart until November, and the second single, “Magic”, did, so I’m not expecting prime Kylie here, and I’m not expecting myself to write positively about it either because I had to restart Spotify like five times before being able to actually play the song so I’m pretty annoyed with these billion-dollar companies right now... and, yeah, okay, with the synthesized choir and the staccato synth bass, I can understand how this feels less alive than other songs she’s made, particularly because this feels like a rather dumbed-down revision of 1980s pop with some really awkward vocal mixing and a chorus that never really hits. Kylie doesn’t sound great here at all either, and the guitars are just kind of garish, especially in the first verse. It doesn’t help that this is a messy song structure-wise, and that the title drop in the chorus is neither cathartic nor worth waiting for. There’s also a bridge-outro that never leads back into a chorus, so the song just floats away sadly into nowhere. Yeah, it’s safe to say this is a disappointment, especially from a lead single but it does make sense that at this point in her career Kylie and her team may be artistically stagnating. It’s been more than three decades; I’m just impressed she’s still putting out music.

#54 – “Plugged in Freestyle” – A92 and Fumez the Engineer

Produced by Charlie Mockler

It’s not often that the engineer gets lead billing, let alone an engineer whose stage name is entirely based on the fact that he is an engineer, and didn’t even produce the track. Anyway, it’s not actually unusual for YouTube and radio freestyles to chart, in fact the GRM Daily Duppy freestyles have charted before for both J Hus and Aitch. It is unusual for viral Irish drill tracks to chart however, but this did get traction as a viral video as well as the absurdity of Irish drill, which is now a rising phenomenon. A92 is an Irish drill group and all of the four members present here get three verses each, leading up to either 12 verses overall or just one big collaborative verse depending on how you count these things. You may notice at this point that I’m stalling, mostly because the Spotify app still refuses to function correctly once again. It’s not like I’m missing much in terms of unique bars or even cadence. I expected a delivery or flow that was more energetic from the Irish, just saying. There’s a lot of pointless censorship when it’s pretty clear what they’re saying, and the guys are obviously lipsyncing in the video so it’s not like this is some impressive off-the-cuff freestyle. I do like the incredibly deep voice Dbo has but it’s not interesting enough to carry his uninteresting flow and this really minimal, basic drill beat that works for its intended purpose to carry the bars but it does not make an impression further than that and by the end of the track, it’s just dull. I do admit to really liking the fourth guy Offica’s verses here because he has a lot more energy and intriguing flows than the rest of them; if any of this group get a solo career off the back of this I’d expect it to be him, or at least I’d hope so. Overall, though, I’m not a big fan although I don’t think this is bad, just unremarkable. If I thought it was bad, I think this episode would end up being posted posthumously anyway.

#52 – “Zero Zero” – dutchavelli

Produced by The Fanatix

Oh, hey, look! It’s more of the same. I imagine if you follow the US charts, you’d soon get tired of the trap garbage that somehow ends up on there in the lower reaches of the chart when it could be given to more promising mainstream-adjacent acts that end up just popping up on the Bubbling Under. Whilst I don’t really have the same problem with this chart, I am growing tired of UK drill music at this point and its indignant refusal to be interesting. It’s not like I have an issue with the music itself because I can usually ignore it, but does all of it really HAVE to chart? When it was new and relatively interesting I welcomed it but the sparse drum patterns, badly mixed 808s and “menacing” pianos are all very much getting on my nerves at this point in the year, especially when the chart is flooded with this stuff. For every weekly pathetic house-pop tune we get, we also get at least three drill “bangers”. Maybe the charts have just made me cynical. I should probably maybe rest before trying to continue this episode – I’ve given a notice on Twitter that grants me more time so I suppose I’ll get back to you when I’m not mindlessly ranting about drill music.

Alright, so I haven’t slept but Spotify has decided to function for now, and I guess I might as well use this opportunity to write about the last few arrivals. We all have our “off” days, and this was one of mine so I apologise if this episode isn’t up to scratch – even if admittedly, I’m telling myself that more than anyone else. Oh, and this song is actually kind of fun, with his really elegant strings that are backed up by some hard-hitting drill percussion that actually makes for a pretty hard beat here, especially with those extra sound effects. Seriously, props to the Fanatix for this, and dutchavelli actually brings a lot more energy than I expected, even on the ad-libs on the chorus, though of course, the content isn’t anything new. He is finding new and funny ways to talk about crack cocaine trafficking though, so I commend that. The skit is kind of pointless but I’m sure it makes sense in the album. That was quick! In fact, I’m going to try and be quick before I fall asleep.

#49 – “Spin this Coupe” – Abra Cadabra

Produced by H1K and Zenith

I’ve restarted Spotify so many times and I’ve restarted my computer at least thrice. This desktop app still refuses to function and this is a recent but bloody persistent problem. Maybe I should just re-download the Spotify app, but it does aggravate me that it does this when I’m supposed to be, you know, REVIEWING THE CHARTS. It’s not like it’s down for other people either, it just likes to freeze on me for no reason other than my own suffering. There’s a Dave song coming so I’ve kind of been raring to get to that but just to keep myself in check and on routine I suppose I need to listen to this garbage. I didn’t mind Abra Cadabra on the “BLM” song from a few weeks ago and I do like the semi-introspective tone he has lyrically here, showing some kind of self-awareness about the gang violence he discusses in his music. Lyrics like that are few and far between however and more often than not it’s just uninspired gunplay and some flexing over some drill type beat. I swear I’ve heard that exact same hi-hat sound and pattern so many times, and other than some overly-energetic ad-libs that make this shoddily-mixed track even uglier sounding, Abra Cadabra is not selling any of this, even when he does a more rapid-pace, energetic yelling flow. He’s not saying anything memorable and he’s only vaguely on beat. I mean, it’s fine but I’m sick of this already. There’s a preview of another song on the YouTube video for this song and I thought it was just another verse. Come on, lads, think of something else.

#35 – “Straight Murder (Giggs & David)” – Giggs featuring Dave

Produced by KeyzMusic

What an odd title. It’s like if I called this show REVIEWING THE CHARTS (Cactus), like we know your names, guys. Is this how they want to credit Dave as a co-lead artist or something? I’ve got no idea but this is our second and final track from Giggs’ Now or Never and thank God, it features Dave, a British rapper I really enjoy. His album PSYCHODRAMA was one of the best records I heard last year and I’ve consistently liked most of his stuff, specifically his brand of cool, relaxed flows and blunt, admittedly corny punchlines with a lot of conscious influence and cleverness that most of these drill guys wouldn’t dare to try and implement in their singles. He and J Hus form a crossroad between the mainstream British rap scene and more underground or alternative acts; he strikes me very much as a more accessible male Little Simz, a sharp lyricist with a lot of unique charm who knows how to have fun. In fact, the one thing I don’t think Dave can do convincingly is rap on a drill beat, or at least one like “Paper Cuts” where he just sounded sloppy. He also had a feature on a D-Block Europe song that was just comical, so I can’t say his recent efforts have been as good but that performance of “Black” at the BRITs really cemented him as one of the best British musicians in the charts right now for me and a lot of other people, so this acts as kind of a comeback single for him, even if it is just a throwaway feature track – there’s a reason this debuted so high. I do think this could stick around as well since Dave does have longevity. I still bump “Funky Friday” more than two years later, although to be fair that did hit #1. This won’t, but is it good? Yeah, this appeals to the part of me that just wants bars over a pretty solid, atmospheric trap beat, and Dave does sound checked-out at times but that’s always been a part of his casual, sliding delivery. There is a lot of empty space in his verse but it’s always played out for comedic effect I feel and while this is a flow he’s definitely used before, the sheer length of this verse means it would be difficult for him to have more hits and misses and yeah, his delivery makes nearly all of these lines hit. Compare the amount of Genius annotations on his verse to how many are on Giggs and you can see why I like this guy a lot more. He may be blunt but it has layers and layers of charm to it, and some of these bars are more than they look to be on the surface. Even his opening line about taking orders can be explained in various different ways: he knows about taking orders but he “doesn’t know” about taking orders, suggesting he doesn’t like taking orders, but what are these orders? They could be taking orders from a boss and now he’s a boss but they could also be about drug trafficking or sending out hits, and then he really “doesn’t know” about taking orders, if you catch my drift. Other than that, he uses his “Streatham” flow to mostly flex but there’s tons of wordplay and I appreciate that more than the boring matter-of-fact structure of verses that half of these other UK rappers have. He’s just effortlessly spitting here and I’ll take that any week but especially this week. Welcome back, Dave, I’m excited to see what you’ve got in store for your next album. Oh, and Giggs is here but who gives a –

#23 – “Confetti” – Little Mix

Produced by TM5

Surprisingly, no Little Mix songs penetrated the top 20, or at least no new ones. In fact, this is our only new song from the girls thanks to silly UK chart rules, and, really, it’s just here because it’s the title track. I can’t say much about Little Mix because I feel there’s nothing to discuss. The new album is something I have not bothered to listen to out of pure disinterest, and this title track... doesn’t seem like a title track. You’d think a title track would be a bit flashier than some dated DJ Mustard hyphy-like beat with pretty pitiful trap percussion and plastic vocal production that makes the girls sound admittedly less inhuman than usual. In fact, they sound more human here than ever, maybe because they’re surrounded by one of the stiffest R&B instrumentals I’ve ever heard, and partly because some of the background vocal melodies are actually pretty catchy, even if the chorus makes it clear that none of it matters since the non-existent pay-off is not worth any of the similarly void build-up. This is a fine, rather understated song where the girls mostly just flex – which is pretty unheard of for a dance-pop track – so I have no issue with it but this could have actually been good... and was once again watered down by manufactured factory-sealed production. Speaking of talented women being let down by production...

#22 – “pov” – Ariana Grande

Produced by Oliver Frid, TBHits and Mr. Franks

So we got the obviously planned pop smashes out of the way from Positions so now it’s time to see what the fans are really gravitating to and to my surprise, it’s the closer. This is the fan favourite from the record and is just now charting because “motive” dropped out and it’s clear why this one is the preferred track. It takes somewhat of an introspective outlook but very much through an immature, lovestruck tone running through the track and its really sweet lyrical content, where she just expresses how much her partner loves her to the point of her even feeling some bizarre envy in the chorus, as she wants to reach a level of self-love comparable to how her partner feels about her. She wants to see why her partner loves her this much despite what she perceives as tragic flaws. By the bridge, she reaches a conclusion that there isn’t any emotional baggage coming with this relationship anymore, a natural book-end to her “leaving her baggage at the door” in the opener of the album. I love the vocal melodies here, with her multi-tracked cooing really shining beautifully amongst the flourishes of strings and more subtle pianos, with trap-adjacent snapping percussion that is actually well implemented and adds a sense of casualness to the song that would otherwise perhaps seem too melodramatic for Ariana. Also, the last line in the chorus is admirable and it works as a perfect closer to the record.

Conclusion

So there is a single good song here, and that is “pov” by Ariana Grande which snags Best of the Week, and, sure, while I like Dave on “Straight Murder (Giggs & David)”, Giggs royally screws up so it can only get the Honourable Mention. For Worst of the Week it’s going to The Kid LAROI just in general for both “WITHOUT YOU” and “ALWAYS DO”, with the latter only being slightly more tolerable. I guess I can give the Dishonourable Mention to Giggs as well for whatever “Buff Baddies” is. Sigh... here’s this terrible week’s top 10.

Thank you for reading my uncharacteristically cynical and just mean ramblings on pop music this week. You can follow me @cactusinthebank on Twitter, I promise I’m not as angry on there. See you next week for hopefully something better than this.

[flauntpage]

Morning Wood: Double Team Pleasure

My eyes hath seen the light, and we are totally fucking for real again!

Oh what a day this is. Sports are back, baby! It’s been five years – FIVE YEARS – since we’ve had anything to give a shit about. I’m not kidding. At no point since 2012 could we seriously claim that our teams were contenders or that we were truly building something great. Now, through all of that misery and waiting and trusting, it’s all coming to fruition. Carson Wentz, on whom the Eagles staked maybe their entire franchise (or at least Howie Roseman’s office location), turned in what was easily his best performance to date, maybe not in terms of sheer stats, but in a purely biblical sense on national TV. Remember when he struggled to throw the deep ball. REMEMBER THAT? The north fucking remembers it:

Carson Wentz's TD to Mack Hollins traveled 62.8 yards of raw distance in the air, the longest of any over the last two seasons #NextGenStats http://pic.twitter.com/BmIgGb2KGI

— Matt Harmon (@MattHarmon_BYB) October 24, 2017

WHAT A BOMB:

I said to my Dad that looked like it went 50 yards in the air. I then tried to do the math from the 30 to the opposing 40, 30, 20, 10… um, how many is that? I can’t do football math over 50 yards. It doesn’t compute. 62.8! That’s like, off the top of my head, 188.4 feet! What a stud. By the way, the touchdown routes on that pass chart look like the visual interpretation of a dressage horse’s dance steps:

Meanwhile, in the former Motor City, the Sixers dismantled the Pistons on the strength of Joel Embiid’s 30 points and Ben Simmons’ triple-double, which seems good:

Ben Simmons just tallied a triple-double in his *4th* game. For reference, LeBron didn’t get his first until January of his second season.

— Tom Haberstroh (@tomhaberstroh) October 24, 2017

Simmons has a double-double in three of his first four games, a triple-double in the other, and is averaging 17, 11 and 7. There is a large eggplant Emoji in my pants.

Embiid is back to being himself, Carson Wentz is DA GOD (actually he might not like that phrasing and I’m sorry, My Chosen One, oh holy shit I gone dunnit again, ah Jesus Christ), and Ben Simmons is on his way to being the greatest player ever, so let’s check in on Markelle Fultz:

To be clear, I didn’t write the title for that video and, well, at least he took one? Yeah, this is a long-term thing with Fultz. Settle in.

Let’s Wood!

  Deuce Gruden

The one game all year when Ed Hochuli is not the most jacked guy on the field. Jon's son, #Redskins strength coach Deuce, takes the title. http://pic.twitter.com/o5mmSmJrnA

— bill hofheimer (@bhofheimer_espn) October 24, 2017

Holy shit Jon Gruden named his kid Deuce.

I saw a few Tweets about Gruden playing favorites last night because his brother is the coach and his son works for the team, but I actually think he does an EXTRAORDINARY job not playing favorites, without being like the Little League coach who is overly hard on his own kid to compensate. Think about it– it’s a tough spot. He calls him “Jay Gruden” for God’s sake. And I thought doing one little segment to acknowledge that they are in fact brothers is the right way to go about it. No issues at all. Love Gruden. He’s great. And his knowledge of Carson Wentz’s college call, followed by the crew having video of it? That’s good production right there.

  It’s unclear if Jordan Hicks was on crutches

It has been confirmed @CrossingBroad @EliotShorrParks http://pic.twitter.com/Zjr9lBOQl9

— Rick Paton (@Rickybob90) October 24, 2017

  Who wore it best?

@CrossingBroad What the fuck. Haha. That thing was authentic too. http://pic.twitter.com/W1WjPUua01

— Joe Buriak (@urbudyjoe) October 24, 2017

http://pic.twitter.com/y9mB21svPP

— Michael Shapiro (@mshapiro3) October 24, 2017

I’m willing to bet the first guy is from Upper Darby. I’m actually really impressed with this. That’s a Nike jersey, but it’s not technically authentic. NFL Shop filters will catch that customization 10 times out of 10 (I’ve told you this before, but I literally used to be the guy to run those filters and oh boy you won’t believe how many ways there are to spell “cunt” if you really try). It pairs so well with the baggy khakis, it’s like a cab sav paired with a dry-aged bone-in ribeye. They were just made for each other. And speaking of bonin’, that guy ain’t doing much of it, and your mom is most certainly not dangling her parts over his… you know what, let’s just take a beat here and appreciate the look.

  Just get on top

Week 8 NFL Power Rankings (via @HarrisonNFL):

1. @Eagles 2. @RamsNFL 3. @steelers 4. @Chiefs 5-32. https://t.co/e8y9nFyy65 http://pic.twitter.com/3Kvr4LElzG

— NFL (@NFL) October 24, 2017

  Wentz

This was his coming out party, make no mistake. He was slinging it like a legitimate Aaron Rodgers out there. Calling his own college plays. Perfect strikes. Purple 65!

@CrossingBroad I’ll take a Purple 65 in a large

— @nealstradamus1 (@nealstradamus1) October 24, 2017

It’s hard not to like everything about Wentz. He’s a great player and a good person. The Dutch Destroyer video is just one example. I’m a cynic when it comes to those things, but that kid and the bracelet 100% mean something to Wentz, and imagine how much that means to his family? Wentz isn’t paying lip service to some publicity thing– he’s doing what’s right. I honestly can’t imagine a better face for a sports team.

  Everyone else

And he’s just one of many on this team. Chris Long. Malcolm Jenkins. The celebrations. Wherever you stand on the anthem thing, there’s no denying the Eagles handled it right. Just everything they do is upbeat, positive and sends a good message regardless of skin color, age, ethnicity or allegiance. So much emotional intelligence it makes me want to punch someone.

  Jason Peters chants

That's brotherhood. We ❤️ #JasonPeters! #FlyEagelsFly #EaglesNation http://pic.twitter.com/mWOPqIjEbQ

— BEX {rebekah} (@bexonair) October 24, 2017

I can’t wait for the inevitable “it’s just a sprain, back after the bye” Tweets that will make this all seem so ridiculous. But, whatever happens, that was a cool moment– if you have to go out in the NFL, let it be in front of your home fans, with them chanting your name:

.@Eagles fans chanting Jason Peters' name as he gets carted off due to injury. #WASvsPHI #FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/mOtICVwpc6

— NFL (@NFL) October 24, 2017

  Adorbs

That's Mack Hollins riding his bike to the game, lol. http://pic.twitter.com/wX7GmqIzDY

— Jimmy Kempski (@JimmyKempski) October 23, 2017

  Winning so much we’re tired of winning

Dolphins have released CB Byron Maxwell per source.

— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) October 24, 2017

  Found footing

The Eagles came out looking sluggish and like they hadn’t played in 12 days. It all felt very similar to how they looked after starting 3-0 last year. Could the lull, followed in a week by a bye, do it again to the Eagles? It felt that way for a while. But credit to the Birds for finding their footing, quickly, and picking up right where they left off. This team is for real. Maybe not a true Super Bowl contender, but absolutely for real. They have always felt more legitimate than that 3-0 team last year, which played two dreadful teams to start and then a Steelers squad that wasn’t quite right yet. This team is well-rounded, with a stronger, more cohesive D, a better offense, more experienced quarterback and depth. They’re the real deal.

  Creeptweets

If anyone has any information on this lovely redhead call: 888-729-9494! You can get yourself a fine WIP pen. http://pic.twitter.com/NBYBai7AR3

— Angelo Cataldi (@AngeloCataldi) October 24, 2017

Imagine outing this (married) woman to Angelo and getting… a pen… for your betrayal.

  We have one

get a joel embiid in your life http://pic.twitter.com/9TM6YoyCvx

— Whitney Medworth (@its_whitney) October 24, 2017

  Look familiar?

It's hard not to think of a young LeBron when watching Ben Simmons pass the ball. http://pic.twitter.com/ExuOn6PcIa

— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) October 24, 2017

  So this is good

Eagles offensive ranks through Week 7:

Points: 3rd Yards: 3rd Rushing: 2nd 1st downs: 2nd 3rd down %: 1st Point differential: 3rd TOP: 2nd

— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) October 24, 2017

Tuna can offense no more.

  Men on Women

This is real….. http://pic.twitter.com/HVYH3FDyxd

— Yashar Ali (@yashar) October 23, 2017

What do you think Sal Pal can add to this event?

Morning Wood: Double Team Pleasure published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[iguessillhavethesalmon-blog]

Day43-45

Day 43/44 didn’t post

2/22-2/23/17

          Sorry about Monday’s and Thursday’s, some days just get too busy. Wednesday was a good day, no class again but was somewhat eventful. I first prepped a scene for class with Keith for Thursday’s class. My hair is getting long which is good, but I want to get it thinned out. I’m starting to look like a little Dutch boy at times. Jake and Keith want to get thrifting so I have them drop me at this barber shop on the way to the Good Will store. I get dropped off, guess what barber shop is closed. So they have to turn around and come get me. in the mean time I roll to the seven-eleven and buy two $2 scratch-offs. Can’t do a scratch off without a Slim Jim, it’s un-American, so I got one of those too. Obviously lost, but found some cool things at the store for basically $0. We went home and hit the hot tub. On the way back from the hot tub, which was so relaxing, I was belting the National Anthem at the top of my lungs through the buildings. A group of patriots joined in and we put our hand over our chest.  We were yelled at very loudly by another room when I went into my highest falsetto. So we had to break things up. Damn Communists. That night we watched Manchester by The Sea. I love the film, it’s a great slice of life.

          Thursday, class all morning which was cool. In the afternoon we did hot yoga which is becoming a great staple in the apartment. That evening we had class from 7:30-10:30. I was hungry, so I went to this coffee shop I usually go to before class. They charge $5.25 for a large coffee. The size is barley bigger than a damn tall at Starbucks. Huge rip. Then I go to order their expensive as hell acai bowl, and they have no frozen fruit. The two weeks before their blender was broken. So three weeks I order and they don’t have that item, total BS. And they gave attitude too like it was my fault. Never going back. I ended up having to eat when I got back at 11 oh well. Those were my days, thanks for reading. Stay sort of classy.

Day 45

2/24/17

          Very chill day but packed with events. Got lunch with avid blog reader, Jillian Gaier’s dad Jeff. We went to this place Sweetsalt. One of the best sandwiches I’ve had in a while. Reasonably priced as well. After lunch a group of us went to the Getty Museum. For our project in class, we have to dress and mimic a painting from the museum. Essentially we have to give the person in the painting life. the museum was beautiful and thanks to LA traffic we barley saw any of it. We will have to return though in the coming weeks as there is more to explore. Plus, I do this thing at museums where I take photos of sculptures/paintings/statues and give them ridiculous captions. I find it fun. So I will definitely return for personal amusement. After the museum we chilled at home. It was an early night for me, as I was very tired. That’s all folks, stay sort of classy.