#I’m realizing I haven’t really been into Media as much as I used to be

[bucephaly]

Got tagged in this fun little mood board thing by @snommie !

Some of these were surprisingly hard haha. A few are my own photos. Here’s the template:

I’ll tag uhhhh @reliquarian @sagesoap @tigwalen @lagomortis @thatforestprince @pigeon-feet @loth-creatures [obv don’t feel obligated] and anyone else who feels like it!

[kingtomura]

Cat and mouse

synopsis: Your ex boyfriend has some nerve texting you at three in the morning — an entire week after the disaster breakup you had. You should really go over there and give him a piece of your mind. Well, you know what they say about famous last words.  wc: 6.1k | crossposted to ao3 content: tomura shigaraki x female reader, no quirks au, toxic tomura, reader is kinda toxic too tbh, unhealthy relationships, breaking up and making up, vaginal fingering, overstim, breeding kink, piv, dubcon creampie, degredation, threats of baby trapping, hurt/comfort, sweet at the end idc

You’ve told your friends time and time again to stay out of your business. They never listen. 

“Oh my god, Kirishima? Is he even twenty yet?” You drag as you watch your friend flip through several pictures of the redheaded boy like he was a member of the bachelor. 

She smiles, scrolling her phone for more options, “no, but he will be in a couple of months!”

“No!” Your words are sharp. You love Mina but god, you don’t want her to play matchmaker with you. It’s not like you’re a charity case or something. 

She gasps and you swear you could see the lightbulb go off above her head. “What about Denki? He’s fun!” 

You groan, falling back onto the bed and covering your eyes with your arm. “Mina.” 

“Hey, just give her a break okay? It’s only been about a week.” Your saving grace Yaoyorozu speaks up and it’s nice to finally have someone on your side. 

“Thank you.”

“Seriously? So we’re just going to sit around and watch you mope about all day?” Mina questions, irritation clear in her voice and it grates your ears.  

“Preferably, yes! Just let me be.” You roll over, face officially shoved into your pillow. It’s been a rough couple of days and you haven’t gotten a single call or text from Tomura. Not that you should be expecting one. You broke up with him after all. 

It’s just.. this time feels different. Usually there’s more arguing and he’s fighting for you to stay around, but this time there was nothing. No quips, no insults, just “fine, get out then.”

That hurt the most. 

You had no idea what he was up to. 

Maybe he was as depressed as you were. 

Maybe he’s found someone else. 

The thought makes you stop in your tracks. The idea of Tomura, your tomura with someone else is enough to make you nauseous. 

You jump to your feet and rush to the bathroom, locking yourself in and falling to your knees. 

God, what if that was why it was so easy?

You pull out your phone, the device lighting up and unlocking with your facial id. 

Tomura doesn’t use social media much but you could still check to see if he’d blocked you. 

To your surprise, he hadn’t. 

He hasn't posted anything either and there’s no new person in his followers. 

You feel yourself exhale a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding. No change is a good thing. 

There’s knocking on the door and you thank the stars you locked it. Your friends would judge you so hard if they saw you lurking through your ex’s social media. 

“Hey, are you okay in there?” It’s your saving grace Yaoyorozu again and you almost feel bad for shutting her out. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry if it feels like I pressured you! I’ll give you some space.” Mina's regretful voice calls and it makes your heart clench. You know she means well but she just doesn’t understand. None of them do. 

Whether you want to admit it or not, you love Tomura. 

Yes, you argue and yes, you fight, but he just gets you. He’s so cynical, but so caring — in his own special way. Too bad he was such an asshole. The argument wasn’t even supposed to go that far. 

There are tears beginning to blur your vision and you wipe them away, willing the feelings down and standing to your feet. 

If he wanted you to stay away, then fine. You could do that. 

You splash cool water onto your face and take a breath, steeling yourself and getting ready to face your friend once more. It was Saturday and they were convinced you needed a fun girl’s night.

It takes a lot to refrain from cringing at the phrase, but you believe they held some truth with the idea. You definitely didn’t want to be alone right now.

You unlock the bathroom door, meeting Mina and Yaoyorozu’s worried expressions with a smile. 

“We should probably get ready now, huh?”

Mina’s eyes light up, smile blinding and excitement contagious.

“Yes! Jirou and the others are here now.” She starts to clap, excitement buzzing around her, “Girl’s night is going to be amazing!” 

—-

Girl’s night was a bust.

The moment everyone arrived the apartment quickly filled with chaos. Noisy and busy, it was all giving you a headache. Until someone decided it would be a good idea to pregame before going out.

In preparation for the night your friend’s insisted that you get dolled up, hair makeup and skimpy clothes you wouldn’t look twice at on any normal day. 

You had to admit it made you a little more excited to get out and at least feel like your world isn't crashing around you. It was supposed to be a fun little night out. Somehow one drink turned into two, which turned into three which turned into Mina swearing she could beat everyone in a dance battle. 

The group only got more riled up as everyone indulged in this silly challenge. 

One challenge leads to another, which leads to more drinking, which then ends in everyone being too drunk to function and knocking out — all laid out in odd places around your living room floor and couch. 

The groggy feeling came first, your arms radiating in dull pain as you vaguely recalled trying to beat Mina in a contest of who could do the most push ups. It sure as hell wasn't you, but the drunk version of you thought it was possible to move mountains. 

You blink a few times, trying to will your eyes to rapidly adjust to the darkness of the room and find out what this odd buzzing noise beside you had been. Turning over, you find your phone, squinting as the too bright screen lights up your face and you see that it is three a.m.

You had fallen asleep with everyone else.

The phone buzzes again, lighting up and you have to squint further to read the contact name.

Tomura. 

Your eyes widen as you scan over the three texts he’s sent you. 

Wasting no time, you rush to your feet and into the bathroom so you can look at your phone without the chance of prying eyes overlooking your shoulder. Even though they were probably going to be out until late morning.

Tomura’s messages were short, no paragraphs, no essays but three different messages sent in succession. 

When are you coming to get your shit?

I’m tired of waiting.

And I’m deleting our farm btw. 

The first two messages don’t get much of a reaction from you, especially since it’s three a.m and he knows you’re usually asleep around this time. 

But the third message…

Your Stardew Valley farm that you’ve had and worked on together for almost two years being put on the line and threatened? What the fuck was his problem?

This farm was a constant in your relationship. Throughout the ups and downs and back and forths. You were sure that hell would freeze over before you both would give up that progress. But here he is, threatening you while you would have been asleep. What an asshole.

Your feet are moving before your brain can stop them and you make your way to the front door. Since your friends were all passed out it would be easy to sneak over to Shigaraki’s place, give him a piece of your mind and then sneak back. In and out, quick and easy. 

Your decision is made and you grab your coat, deciding to just go over there as you are. You hadn’t changed out of your outfit that was supposed to be for the night out, but it didn’t matter. You only needed to get over there and get there fast.

Once you arrive at Tomura’s doorstep you waste no time knocking. It’s around three in the morning so he should still very much be awake. 

There's a chill in the air as you wait for his answer and you wrap your jacket closer to your body. A rumble of thunder caught your attention and it's then you notice the rain clouds rolling in. You knew it would only be a matter of time before the bottom of the sky falls out and rain drenches everything. You were on borrowed time if you wanted to make it back before then.

After what feels like forever the door finally opens, revealing a very cozy pajama-clad Tomura, who seemed a little too pleased for his own good — if that sly smile he was doing a bad job at hiding was anything to go by. 

You don't give him a chance to greet you or say anything for that matter, stopping his words in their tracks as you cut him off. “What do you want?”

He doesn’t bother hiding his smirk now, the expression making your fists clench and your anger boil. “What do I want? You’re at my door, in front of my apartment.” He scoffs, clearly getting the exact reaction he had wanted from you, “I should be asking what do you want?” 

Caught like a deer in headlights. Whatever, you don't let that stop you as you pull out your phone to show him his text. “You sent this, I know you’re bluffing. What do you want?”

Tomura shrugs, leaning against his door frame and giving you a pleased look. Expression relaxed and content. Not a care in the world. “To talk.”

“Well, I'm here now, so let’s talk.” You spit, crossing your arms and waiting for whatever else he would throw at you. 

“Sure, but you should come in first.” He starts, looking up towards the darkened sky, confirming his assessment. “It’s gonna rain soon, you know.”

Of course you knew that. 

You just didn’t want to give him more time than you had. But you agree and go in, ignoring the fighting feeling in the back of your mind screaming at you to turn away and hightail it out of there. 

Tomura’s home is the exact way it was the day you left, give or take a few more containers of takeout littered around the place. You have half a mind to scold him about it, but quickly remember that it isn’t your place to do that anymore. 

So instead you stay quiet, following him into the apartment and into the living room. Opting to stand as he sat, and resisted the urge to get comfortable. 

“So, what do you want to talk about?” You try, done watching him pick up a controller and boot up a video game. Seriously? 

Your patience was wearing thin now as you watched him ignore you to play some stupid game. You try calling to him again, knowing this was probably a waste of your time and groans.

“I was in the middle of something before you got here. Let me finish and we’ll talk.” It's flippant the way he waves you off and continues the game. The lack of care only hurting your feelings further and making you realize this may have all been a big mistake on your part.

You shouldn’t be at your ex boyfriend’s house being ignored. You should be at your house getting drunk and hanging out with your best friends. There was no reason to stay somewhere you’re obviously not valued.

It’s a simple choice when you put it into perspective. 

But things are always easier said than done. 

You sigh, the air puffing out your cheeks, a bad habit you had when angry, and walk right in front of Tomura’s TV. There was more satisfaction in making him lose the game and then announcing your departure than just leaving quietly. 

He cranes his neck to see around you, but it doesn’t work, finally giving up as his character inevitably dies. “What!?”

“I’m leaving!” You announced, turning on your heel and heading towards the front door.

“You had to make me lose first? I said I was almost done!” He spat back, rising from the couch to follow you.

You shrug, “I don’t care. Why invite me in if you’re just going to ignore me?”

“Didn’t think you had the patience of a child.'' Tomura stands in front of you, cutting through your path and stopping you in your tracks.

It's almost comical the way he insults you. “Okay pot, meet kettle.” You try to brush past him, but he side steps with you. 

“What are you dressed like that for anyway? Did you go out tonight or something?”

“No!” You deny, a little louder than intended and then pause. “But it’s none of your business what I do anyway.”

Tomura hums at this, taking the words in and running them through his mind as he gives you a once over, eyes scanning from the too-tight shirt you wore — showing a generous amount of cleavage, down to your mini skirt that left little to the imagination. 

“Could've fooled me.”

“What do you mean by that?” You hate when he gives you cryptic answers, like it’s impossible to pry into his mind to see what he was thinking at the moment. 

“You knew you were coming to see me so I dont get why you're wearing that skimpy shit. Unless you wanted me to check you out.”

“Not everything is about you, Tomura. Maybe I just wanted to dress up and look nice.”

“Bullshit—”

“God, Tomura you always fucking do this!” You yell, walking right up into his face. The excitement in his scarlet eyes sends a chill up your spin, but you can’t back down. 

He gets closer, matching your tone and you can still see the grin he’s trying to hide. It makes you see red. “Do what? Tell you the truth? You know I’m not wrong.”

“Yeah, you think you know everything, but you don’t. I’m dressed up because I want to be, not because of you.” You’re insisting at this point, frustration threatening to tip over and spill out into the form of another pointless argument. Why did you think you could actually come over and have a decent conversation with him?

Tomura is a master at getting under your skin and hitting where it hurts. In all of your arguments he’s never really pulled out the big shots but you wouldn’t put it past him to do so now. 

“Oh, so you come over to my place dressed like a slut and you expect me to believe you don’t have some hidden motive?”

And there it is.

Your last straw. He could be so egotistical and mean — you’ve had it. 

You regret it the moment you do it, but your body moves before your brain can process your actions. You push Tomura. Hard. 

He doesn’t fall back far but you know it’s enough to piss him off. And he’s never been one to hold anything back, so he shoves you back and your back hits the wall. 

Tomura has you pinned before you know it and there’s a thrill that runs through your body in a way you know you shouldn’t be feeling. Your knees feel weak for reasons that are not related to fear and your panties were gradually becoming more wet. 

His voice is low and his eyes are narrowed as he pins you against the wall, pressing your cheeks together with his other hand. “You’re really starting to piss me off.”

You have to bite back a smile, knowing this has taken a turn and you aren’t strong enough to stop where it’s going. Not that you would want to. 

“Oh yeah? If I piss you off so badly then why are you hard?”

He doesn’t look down. He can feel his own arousal just as well as you can while it’s pressed against your abdomen. 

Tomura pushes off of you — maintaining some distance as he turns away. 

“You’re fucking annoying.”

“Sure am.” You supply, chipper and certain as you trail behind him. 

He’s walking further into the apartment, and you follow. Legs moving on their own accord as you go further into the lion's den, exchanging quips and insults. You jab your finger into his shoulder, bothered by the way he continues to ignore you, it's a pathetic attempt at catching his attention and it works. Kind of. 

The only response being him slapping your hand away with a glare and muttering a soft fuck off as he walked on. 

You both went back and forth. Like the sun and moon, you just can’t stay away from each other.  

It was how these things usually went between you and Tomura. He would start up, make a petty argument and you would never back down. Tomura is someone who was used to getting his way and others simply did what he said with no objections. 

But that was not how you were.

And he loved it.

You knew by the way he would get that devious glimmer in his eye when you would challenge a point, starting up a debate. Sometimes they were heated enough to make you both break up. It never lasted more than a few days. A week being the longest.

Push and pull. 

Tomura made his way past you again, ignoring your calls about how you hate being ignored. At this point you’re sure he’s doing it on purpose to rile you up more but you can’t help but take the bait. You grab his shoulder, forcing him to turn around and face you as you point a finger in his face. 

“Stop walking away from me!” 

He grabs your wrist and pulls you closer, making you stumble on your feet and almost lose balance. You were so close you could feel the heat from his body and smell the fresh linen scent of his shirt. “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

You snatch your wrist away from him, tension between you two growing hotter by the second as the space between you got thinner. 

“What are you going to do about it?” 

The narrowing of his eyes only made your grin grow wider as you watched the gears turn in his head as he thought about just how many things he would do about it. All of it enticed you, so you beat him to the punch. 

You reach forward again, fully intending to shove his shoulder again for another reaction, another glare, maybe even more words, but he stops you. It was fast, the way you both tumbled through the hallway as Tomura crashed his lips to yours. The relief of finally feeling his lips again meshed with the excitement of how rough he was with you. 

You lose yourself in the kiss, welcoming him in with open arms as you vaguely register the dark walls of his room and posters plastered along the walls in your scuffle.

It was exciting, probably the best part of breaking up and making up. At this point you think the whole point of falling apart is coming back together again. An endless cycle where the reward is worth the punishment. 

Cat and mouse. 

You end up on top of him, straddling his hips while your smug smile beams down at him. Tomura gives you an unamused look in return, yet the way his hands rested on your thighs gave away the ill hidden interest. It was all the encouragement you needed as you leaned down, hovering above him with both hands on his chest. 

“Not so tough now, are you?”

It’s bait. You know it’s bait, he knows it’s bait, but he takes it anyway — the way you knew he would. 

Tomura wastes no time flipping the both of you over, quickly reversing your positions as he settled himself between your legs. It’s dangerous the way his actions riled you up further, and you have to bite your lip to keep the smile from betraying your false anger. You couldn’t let him know how excited you were to be back in his bed. 

He presses your cheeks together and rocks your head left to right, tone mocking and eyes wild with fever, “Oh, look who’s become a firecracker all of the sudden. Where did that flame come from, huh?”

You want to respond, but Tomura beats you to it, releasing your cheeks and pointing a nimble finger against your forehead, “Don’t be dumb.”

His eyes trail from yours and then down to your lips, then finally down to your exposed cleavage. The movement was swift as he cupped one of your breasts in his hand and dipped down, claiming your lips again. It was softer than the first time but not by much, especially not when he matched his pace by grinding his clothed erection into you, making you moan at the contact. 

Your skirt was so short and it made you feel even more exposed than you already were. Tomura had easy access to you and the thin fabric of your panties made everything feel so much closer. 

You moan at the contact, swiping your tongue against Tomura’s bottom lip and wasting no time deepening the kiss as you pull him closer. You needed more and you needed it as soon as possible. 

Tomura pulled the low cut front of your shirt down, easily exposing your breasts from the confines of the shirt and massaged them, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles against your nipples and making you cry out from the sensitivity. 

He pulls away from you, eyes gazing into yours and you swore in that moment he put you in a trance. Tomura’s ruby red gaze always left you mesmerized and you can’t help the whimper that leaves your lips, brows furrowed and eyes wanting, “Please.”

“Please what?” And he’s not taunting you, he’s not mocking you. His eyes are soft as he brings a hand to your cheek. “Tell me what you want.”

“You.” Fuck, you’ve missed him. “I just want you.”

There’s a hint of a smile on his face as he strokes your cheek, soft look in his eyes making your heart flutter, and then it’s gone. Replaced by a hardened gaze as he moves to remove your shirt and bra, fully exposing you to his hungry eyes, and then moves to remove your short skirt. 

His hands hover there for a moment, debating whether or not he should keep it on and fuck you in it, but then decides against the idea and pulls it off, taking your soaked panties down with it as well. 

The air in the room feels cool against your skin as you shiver in anticipation. 

“Fuck,” Tomura whispers, now eye level with your cunt. You gasp as he runs two fingers between your wet folds and holds the digits up to show you. Syrupy clear slick clung to them, slowly trailing down as Tomura rose back up, eye level with you once more. 

“You’re so wet…” He murmured, bringing the digits to your mouth and you opened, taking them into your mouth and tasting yourself. You kept eye contact as you watched his eyes widen in delight — Tomura loved it when you put on a show for him.

There’s another moment of Tomura pressing against your tongue with his fingers and then he pulls them out, opting for a kiss in exchange, his tongue dipping into your mouth and groaning  as he could taste what’s left of your slick on you as well.

The pleasant feeling and linguid action of your movements made your shoulders relax as you practically melted into his soft bed, the feeling of his body above yours bringing you mountains of comfort. It was a distraction, of course. 

You felt the same two of Tomura’s fingers prod at your slick entrance before pressing in fully and all the way down to the knuckle. The stretch was intense but the pressure was euphoric, making you squeeze your eyes shut and grip him closer. 

He didn’t make you wait long as he pumped his fingers, quickly finding that sensitive spot so deep inside of you that only he could pinpoint and brushing against it over and over. 

The feeling was so good it made you pull away from the kiss to breathe, thighs twitching and toes curling in pleasure. You wouldn’t last long like this.

“Tomura, fuck..!” You moaned, drowning in ecstasy as he continued his abuse of your spot, never letting up or slowing down, aiming to make you cum as quickly as he could. It was obvious he wanted you to come undone as soon as possible by the way he watched your every expression. 

The way your brows furrowed to the way you bit your lip. Tomura eagerly drank every expression and gave it back to you in the form of pleasure. 

“What?” He started, unphased by your dilemma, “Gonna cum?”

It took a lot of focus and effort, but you nod — done with fighting for the night and accepting the fact that you will come apart quickly. So you give in to the pleasure. 

Tomura smiles, a devious grin splitting his features as he curls his fingers, hitting the spot one more time for good measure and you lose composure, your climax crashing into you like a tidal wave. There was nothing you could do besides ride the feeling while holding on to Tomura tight — like you would get swept away if you didn’t. 

He fucks you through it with his fingers, eyes never leaving your face as you come down from your high. 

“Pent up, huh?” He questions, and this time there is that little hint of teasing. It brings you back to reality. 

Yes, you have been pent up. You haven’t been able to get off to anything since you’ve broken up and it’s been hell. 

You have no time for the games, you just want him and you want him now. 

So, you take Tomura’s face in your hands, making him look you in the eyes. The flecks of black in his carmine eyes always makes you remember why you come back. Every single time. 

“Fuck me, please, Tomura.” It's soft and filled with desire that you cannot be bothered to hide, and Tomura has never been one to deny you.

He quickly discards his own clothes, making sure to not stay away from you for long. His cock is hard and leaking precum from the head as he strokes it in preparation. You feel giddy at the thought and watch as he slides the head of his cock between your folds, coating it with your slick, and rubbing against your clit. The action makes your hips twitch up towards him. 

He loves to tease and make you wait, but today he doesn’t make you wait long. Tomura leans down after lining himself up with your entrance and places his free hand behind your head, right above the nape of your neck. His hands were warm and the feeling of those hands cradling your head felt so comforting in the space of his familiar dark bedroom. 

You bring a hand to his hair, tangling your fingers in his ashen locks as he pushes forward. The stretch makes you whimper and Tomura captures your lips in a kiss again, swallowing the noises and releasing a groan of his own as your walls tighten around his cock. 

There's something about the way Tomura drags his hips, the way he starts off at a slow pace, winding you up as he steadily increases his speed and force. It happens so gradually that you don't realize you’re screaming his name until he tells you to shut up — threatening to cover your mouth because he didn't want his neighbors to hear how much of a slut you were.

It drove you mad the way he said it all with a smile and fucked you harder. Almost daring you to be louder so he can punish you with a hand over your mouth.

Tomura knew how rough you liked it and he always delivered, giving you back arching pleasure as he pounded into you. It leaves you gasping and struggling to keep your voice down. Your hands find the surface of his back, trying to hold on as much as you could with building pleasure on the horizon. 

“Tomu— Tomura..! Please,” you cry and he doesn’t miss a beat, driving his cock so deep against your sweet spot it makes you see stars. “Fuck..!” 

“Yeah, that’s it.” Tomura cooed, eyes filled with mischief as he brought you closer to the edge. “Cry for me.”

And you do, your body feeling euphoric as the feeling buzzed up your spine and filled your brain with the fuzz of ecstasy. 

“What are you gonna do, huh?” He starts, his hips grinding against you, the closeness of his pelvis rubs against your clit, making you cry out again, “What are you gonna do when I breed this pretty cunt and make sure you’re stuck with me forever?”

He’s bluffing, you know Tomura doesn’t want kids. He’s just trying to gauge your reaction. Your dedication. 

“Tomura…” You only moan, breath catching as he hits that spot inside you that he knows so well. 

Tomura is smiling, wild and devious, as you look up at him with glossy eyes, so close to crying from the feelings, “I’m gonna do it. I’ll make you mine forever and you can’t do anything about it.” 

“Ah!” You should stop him, tell him to calm down but he has your eyes rolling to the back of your head and your back arching off of the bed. Everything is blurring together and you can only slur words as the drool from your earlier kiss trails down your cheek. 

You are completely at his mercy like this and you know your friends would be beyond disappointed.  

It just feels so good the way his cock drags in and out of your body pulling moans and whines from your throat. He was relentless in the way he pounded into you — beyond the point of being soft and slow because he knows that’s exactly you like it. 

“Say you want it.” The command comes with the slowing of his hips and you whine, high and needy as Tomura slows to a near stop.

“Tomura, I—“

“Say you want it or I swear to god I’ll stop right now.” It’s a threat and you don’t want to find out if he’ll go through with it. Tomura never goes back on his word. 

“No, please, don’t— I want it!” you pant, frustrated and aching for more movement.

“I want you to,” you stammer, desperate to have your release. “I don’t care if you cum in me. I need you so bad.”

“That’s my girl,” He coos, dipping his head down onto your shoulder, “Fuck.. love you s’much”

You stop — you’ve never heard him say that. Ever. You doubted he would ever say it since it’s been so long. 

He doesn’t give you a chance to ruminate on it because he's picking up the pace again and giving you the friction you were so deeply in need of. The feelings are swimming in your head as your cries reach new heights. Tomura is too far gone to stop you or care and you’re thankful. You couldn’t stop yourself if you tried. 

The build of your orgasm crashes down and sends you with it, making your thighs quiver in pleasure and your eyes squeeze shut. Tomura’s mouth meets yours before you could cry out, the warmth of his tongue guiding you as he fucked you through it. 

He didn’t last long after, the way your walls tightened around him with the force of your orgasm has Tomura’s pace erratic as he chased his own high. 

The bed shook as Tomura finally finished, hips stuttered as he released inside of you, hot seed coating your insides and making heat rise to your cheeks. He really did it.

You watch as he slows to a stop above you, his eyes closed as he enjoys the feeling of release. Tomura’s breathing was heavy and you couldn’t stop yourself from bringing him down into another kiss, traveling from his lips to his cheeks and then back again. 

It was intimate and you were worried it may have been too much, given the reason you were both in this situation was because of a stupid breakup. 

Tomura’s pulls out of you, making you wince and taking the feeling of being so full away from you. He doesn’t go far, opting to stay on top of you and rest his head on your shoulder, wanting to keep you as close as possible. 

“You really piss me off.” He mumbles into your shoulder, out of breath and tired. “God, why can’t you just stay with me.”

“Tomura…” Your hands run through his hair, the sweat is making it stick to his forehead as you wait for him to keep talking. 

“Stop leaving me.” His voice is firm, unwavering.

“You told me to go.” 

“I didn’t think you fucking would. I would never actually want you to.”

“I can’t read between the lines Tomura, I’m not in your head.” You make him look at you this time, pulling his hair a little to get him to raise his head. “Did you mean it?”

“I just said I didn’t—“

“No, the other thing you said.” He gives you a look of pure confusion and you lose a little bit of hope, “when you said you loved me?” 

You stare into his carmine eyes, hoping, praying it wasn’t just pillow talk from the heat of the moment. 

He looks at you for a long time, frustration still wearing on his features. If you didn’t know any better you would say he was pouting. “Of course I meant it. I’ve always felt like that.”

“But you’ve never said it!”

“I show it!”

“How?” This is getting frustrating and going in circles. 

He groans, sitting up and taking his warmth with him. “I’m not going to sit here and list everything I’ve ever done for you. I don’t think it works like that.”

You open your mouth to counter, irritation on your tongue because that’s not what you meant, but Tomura stops you again. 

“I don’t know how to explain it, okay?” He shakes his head and sighs, laying next to you on the bed and looking up at his ceiling. “It’s weird. I have these strong feelings, but it’s not hate, it's not anger. It's the opposite of that.”

You stare at him as he focuses ahead, keeping his eyes trained on the uninteresting ceiling above.

“Father said it’s a weakness and I should feel that way but,” There’s a pause as he looks away from the ceiling, meeting your eyes finally, “if it’s so weak of me, then why are the feelings so strong?” 

Your heart aches. It's clear that he’s torn, and with the strange way he was raised you know that he can’t help the way he is. 

“Tomura…” 

“And it won’t go away. I can’t fight them down or push them away like I can with everything else. It eats me up and I… guess I lash out because of it.” He shakes his head and for the first time Tomura looks defeated. You’ve never seen him this way — he’s always been filled with confidence and self assured. “I just don’t know what to do.”

You bring a hand to his cheek as you press your forehead against his. It kills you that this is what’s been on his mind and you aren’t sure what you could do to fix it. Maybe there was nothing you could do, physically, but you would do your best to be there for him emotionally.

“Sometimes,” you try to be careful with your words, knowing how much Tomura looks up to his foster father even though the man has been nothing but strange to him. “People say things that aren’t true because they don’t know how to live with it.”

Tomura’s guardian cannot live with love nor the idea of it. 

“That doesn't mean you have to live that way.” 

And it’s the truth. 

Tomura doesn’t say anything, just watches you with heavy lidded eyes, ruby red nearly glowing in the low light of the room. He was so much more than what people thought they knew of him and you didn’t care if it took time for others to see that.

He leans in, closing his eyes and you meet him halfway into a kiss. 

It's warm and it's soft and you know that even when your phone is buzzing from dozens of missed calls and texts from your friends, it will be fine. 

You and Tomura would take things one day at a time.

[mywritersmind]

TELL ME IF YOU HATE ME - KA12

summary : kimi has a crush and a shit way of dealing with it, you think he hates you.

listen up : not proof read lolz! requests are open!!

word count : 1683

⋆｡‧˚⋆

The cars zoom past me as I press my finger down and a series of clicks sounds from my camera. I smile, holding my camera up and making sure I got the shot I wanted.

I did.

I see a flash of red by the garage which makes me breathe out, Ollie just crashed and I know it freaked him out. I put my eye to my camera again, zooming in so I can see if he’s okay.

He is.

I snap some far photos of the garages, passing Ferrari, then McLaren, and right as I'm about to skip over Mercedes, something catches my eye.

Lewis isn’t the one who gets out of his car, but a smaller boy with a mess of brown curls. He claps one of the pit crew members on the back and smiles. As he turns to face the track, I get a full view of his face.

Kimi Antonelli.

I had forgotten about the boy who’s driving with Mercedes next year. Ollie was talking my ear off about it last week but still… I guess I was so focused on shooting the cars that I didn’t realize who was in it.

I snap a photo of him, the light hitting his face perfectly as he takes a deep breath.

I’ve never met him, but I was forced to follow Prema by Ollie so I know he fits into Ollie’s odd life perfectly.

I walk back into the ferrari garage, smiling at my boss who takes my camera from me. I’m doing an internship, specifically with Ferrari's media team. Once they found out I like photography, they let me have a camera and media access.

I smile at Ollie who shoots me a thumbs up, letting me know he’s okay. I end up eating alone while scrolling on my phone, some people walk past but because free practice 2 is happened, most people are watching.

I take a bite of my salad and scroll once more. I get a weird feeling after my third bite, and when I look up, it’s the last thing I expect.

Kimis there.

He’s still in his race suit, his hair messy and a water bottle in his hand. His eyes get big when I turn to him. I’m about to raise my hand to wave but he spins around and bolts in the other direction.

I laugh out loud but when I look around, no one’s there to have seen it.

That was… weird.

⋆༺

“Hey, Y/n!” Ollie yells to me across the paddock, he’s standing with Kimi and Jack Doohan. I smile and wave, saying goodbye to who I was speaking with, and flipping my hair over my shoulder before making my way over to them.

“Hey! Happy Quali day!” I smile at them, especially Jack because I haven’t seen him all weekend.

“What are you up to today?” The australian asks me, his hands in his pockets.

“Taking pictures mostly, trying to get a bad one of Charles, and watching Quali. How about you guys?” I turn pointedly towards Ollie and Kimi but the Italian has his eyes pointed elsewhere and his mouth shut.

“Kimi and I.” Ollie grips Kimis shoulder and practically forces him to look at me, he smiles softly but looks back at Ollie as he talks, “are doing the same! Minus the photos and stuff. Wanna grab lunch with us later?”

I nod, pulling out my phone as I get a call, “Shit, i’m so late! See you guys later!”

⋆༺

Quali is fun and the Mexican fans are absolutely exhilarating. After getting caught up with photos, I finally met Ollie and Kimi in the Ferrari hospitality.

Except there’s no Kimi.

I raise a brow as we sit down, “Does Kimi not like me?”

Ollie moves his food around, “Uh… I don’t think so. Why?”

I shrug, “I just get the feeling he doesn’t really enjoy my company. Which hasn’t been much around him.”

Ollie frowns, “No! He just had to shoot something for Mercedes. He wanted to come.”

⋆༺

You know those times where you wish you could go back in time just five seconds? That’s how I feel right now.

“No!” I yell as Kimi turns the corner with four coffees in his hands and runs directly into me. “Fuck!” I back away from him, shaking off my hands instantly.

“Ah!” He does the same, looking up at me slowly, “I am so sorry…” This is the first time he speaks to me? Seriously!?

I take a breath, trying to gain control of my mind that’s screaming. I peel off my sweater, luckily my shirt underneath is untouched.

“I- Shit.” I groan and wipe my arms off with my sweater, “What are you, an errand boy!? I thought I was the one with an internship.” He laughs at this, then slaps his hand over his mouth.

“I’m genuinely so sorry.” He shakes his head, everything on me now smelling like coffee. I look at his shirt which is partly splashed.

“It’s not fine but It wasn’t on purpose.” I shrug, just staring down at the coffee cups.

“I’m such an idiot.” He groans, “Look, I’ll buy you a coffee to make it up to you.”

I smile slightly, crossing my arms, “Coffee in Ferrari hospitality is free. I’m assuming it’s the same for Mercedes.” He shakes his head, looking horrified.

“That shit is gross. I know a place.”

The ‘Place’ in question is in the general admission area. He pulls on my ferrari hat for extra security and grabs our coffees quickly.

“I actually can’t believe you’re wearing red.” We walk the back way, laughing. Maybe he doesn’t hate me? Or maybe he does and the coffee was all apart of some scheme.

He side eyes me, “Neither can I.” He pulls it off of his head, “Toto would kill me.”

Ollie finds us the second we step foot in the paddock, “Hey! Don’t tell me you became friends without me! Do not forget that I started this!”

“Yeah ok, Ol- I’ll give you friendship creds.” I pat his shoulder as he frowns.

⋆༺

It’s dark by the time I head out of the paddock, yawning, I notice Kimi on his phone. “Hey!” I say, smiling as he looks up at me.

Except his face does that weird thing again.

His cheeks go red and he looks like he’s forcing a smile. “Hi.” He says softly.

“Good day?” He nods, looking back at his phone and clearing his throat.

“Yeah.” He keeps it quick before walking away, “Bye.”

“Bye…?” Okay. So I don’t think I'm going crazy now because that was one weird ass conversation. If you can even call it that.

⋆༺

I wake up on race day and do my morning ritual, scrolling on instagram. I don’t go through all of my notifications often, but today something caught my eye.

Liked by Kimi Antonelli

The post is laughable, it’s from two years ago, Ollie and I were celebrating our birthdays since they fall on the same day.

Weird, Again.

I get ready and head out even though that stupid like is on my mind the whole time.

As if the universe is sending a message, I walk into the paddock at the same time as Kimi. He’s talking to his team member in fast italian and I ignore the fact that it’s 100% hot and focus on the fact that he 100% ignored me!

I call Ollie immediately, “Your friend hates me.”

I hear him laugh on the other side of the phone, “Kimi?”

“See! You already know who I'm talking about!” I groan as I enter Ferrari hospitality.

“Y/n. I think you just make him nervous.”

I stop dead in my tracks, “What?”

“Look, I absolutely love you. But you have a total resting bitch face!” I scoff at him even though I know it’s true, “He sees you taking photos a lot and even though I try to get him to talk to you, he’s like scared or some shit. I think he thinks you’re pretty too.”

I hang up.

⋆༺

I watch from the garage, spirits are high but I find myself distracted as Kimis face comes up on the screen.

Why is he so cute?

I bite my lip and think. I want him to like me. I want him to be friends with me like how he is with Ollie! So why can’t he see that? I mean, there’s a possibility he just doesn’t like me.

In that case, that’s fine! I just want to know.

My thoughts are how I find myself cornering him with my arms crossed and my actual bitch face on.

“Um… yes?” He looks scared.

“Do you not like me, or something?” He frowns, “I mean- If you don’t, that’s fine! But I don’t fuck with people who aren’t honest. Because I know i’m not completely likable to everyone and genuinely I don’t care if you don’t like me but I sorta hope you do because Ollie is my friend and Ollie is your friend and he wants us to be friends!” I take a breath.

Kimi just blinks, “I do like you.”

I roll my eyes.

“I just… felt embarrassed.” I raise a brow. Embarrassed? “I dumped coffee on you! And then I liked that post which had Ollie telling me to stop screaming into my pillow.” I laugh at that. “I just… I'm not good with pretty girls.”

That has me frozen.

“And you’re like scary pretty.”

I laugh, smiling, “You’re totally boosting my ego right now.” He just called me pretty.

He rolls his eyes, standing up straighter, “I’m sorry for being awkward.”

I sigh dramatically, “It’s fine.” I flip my hair over my shoulder, smirking, “My good looks just stuns people sometimes-”

He pushes my shoulder, “Oh fuck off!” I laugh with him, his cheeks red again, “Can I make it up to you?”

I bite my lip, hiding my smile, “Pick me up at 8.”

[elllisaaa]

hii, how are u?? can i ask for a seventeen reaction of you watching caratland and teasing them or something like that, thank uu

teasing seventeen about caratland

-> words count : 2.3k words

-> genre : fluff

-> sorry if I made any mistakes, english is not my first language.

-> reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !

-> author's note : omgg you're so on point because the moment i saw mingyu dancing to sticky, i knew i wanted to write something like this lmaoo thank you so much for sending in an ask, hope you'll like it !

-> masterlist | svt masterlist

CHOI SEUNGCHEOL

You had often joked about the Smart challenge to your boyfriend by reading some of the comments the fans posted on social media, trying to get him to really do it. So when you realized that he was really going to actually dance to the choreo during Caratland, you broke down in a fit of laughter. When he came to see you in the morning, you welcomed him with a big smirk stretching out your face : “Hello Mister shaking-my-ass, how are you ?” - “Oh, shut up.” Seungcheol groaned as he bypassed you to flop down on your couch, arms crossed on his chest and pout on his face. “Don’t be like that, you big baby, it was cute.” - “But I don’t want to be cute !”, your boyfriend groaned, “I want to be manly. And handsome. I am right ?” You couldn’t really tease Seungcheol for long, he was too adorable for you to do so as you settled beside him, pecking his lips softly. “Yes, you are. But you’re also very cute.” - “Y/N !” You giggled as his pout returned. He was definitely cute. 

YOON JEONGHAN

You were used to your boyfriend being an absolute babygirl, you were used to him being an absolute menace. However you did not plan how seeing him dancing to Tap would leave you speechless. Honestly, you wanted to tease him a little for taking it so seriously and giving it his whole. But the fact that Jeonghan walked in on you watching the clip over and over kinda wrecked your project. “Like what you see, darling ?” You jumped on your spot on the couch, pushing your phone under the cushion as if you didn’t do anything. “Not at all.” - “I feel like your lying sweetheart.” - “Am not. Not everything’s about you, Hannie.” But your boyfriend only chuckled as he launched forward to grab your phone and unlock it, watching the video of him dancing playing on repeat as your cheeks heated up. “You’re so obsessed with me !” - “Stop ! Give me my phone !” But Jeonghan didn’t and only kissed your temple as he scrolled through your last liked tiktoks, seeing that it was all him and being very satisfied with the outcome of this all. You could never tease Jeonghan. 

HONG JOSHUA

“Josh ?” Your boyfriend raised his head up from the book he’s been quietly reading by your side while you were scrolling on your phone beside him in bed. You haven’t been able to watch all the content from Caratland yet and you were only now catching up. “Yeah ?” - “You should rap more often.” You picked his curiosity enough for him to close his book and turn to you. “And why’s that angel ?” You simply shrugged, but he knew you well enough to notice the little smirk tugging at your lips as you pretended to be unbothered. “Just because. You’re good at it, that’s all.” It was Joshua’s turn to smirk as he nudged you with his elbow. “Mh, yeah, of course. And it’s not because you think I’m hot when I rap ?” - “You’re taking your dreams for reality I think.” You really tried to stay composed but the way he was tickling your sides to force you to admit the truth made it difficult. You should’ve known that teasing Joshua would be a bad idea.

MOON JUNHUI

Jun always took it very seriously when it came to dancing to girl’s groups songs, and that was because you do too, especially when you were both doing random dance challenges and it became sort of a competition. So when you saw that he gave his all to dancing on Sheesh by Babymonster, you giggled while looking at your phone. “You did really good, baby.” Jun groaned softly as he lifted his head from where it was resting against your chest, looking up at you seemingly lost. “What are you talking about ?” - “Sheesh. You danced very well to it ! I teached you well.” A smile took over his features, and a blush spreaded on his cheeks. Girl’s group choreos were your passion, your area and he always felt so proud when you complimented about it (despite him being a professional dancer, yes.) “Yeah, you’re the best, baby. I’m not at your level yet, though.” You giggled as you kissed his forehead, and Jun hid against your chest again to not let you see how red he was.

KWON SOONYOUNG

Your boyfriend was a good dancer, you knew it, everyone knew it, so you were not surprised to see Carats swooning over how good he danced to Siren. And even if you had grown used to watching him wreck the stage, you were always impressed at the energy he was able to put into his moves. But that didn’t mean that you will not tease him, because that was your job as his girlfriend. “You’re such a loser.” - “What !? I didn’t even do anything this time !”, Soonyoung cried out, seemingly offended by your comment. You rolled your eyes as you turned your phone around to show him the clip of him dancing during Caratland. “How does that make me a loser ?”, your boyfriend whined as you tried to hold back your grin. “You want to show off so bad, we know you can dance, no need to try that hard.” You were then left with a whiny Soonyoung for the rest of the day. But when he asked you if he did good with his cute pout, you couldn’t keep up your act longer and you showered him in praise because he was perfect and you loved him. 

JEON WONWOO

Wonwoo was maybe the only one in the group that tried to hold his idol image as much as possible - well, he sometimes slipped up but people often thought that he was the most normal and that said a lot. So seeing him dance to Queencard made you break in a fit of laughter, while your boyfriend was clearly not having it. “You’re done ?” You looked at him as you replayed the video once again, tears gathering in your eyes from smiling too much. “No ! You don’t understand how funny this is.” Wonwoo rolled his eyes at you, trying to focus again on his game rather than on you giggling nonstop at him. “I’m just dancing, you’re overreacting.” - “You’re dancing to Queencard, Nonu, that’s very different. I always knew you were a bad bitch deep down.” Wonwoo grabbed the plushie you had gifted him that was sitting on his desk in your direction, your cackles intensifying. He loved you, but sometimes he thought you should've been a part of Seventeen instead.

LEE JIHOON

Jihoon was always adamant on the fact that he wasn’t cute. No matter how much you insisted on the fact that he was indeed adorable, he always refused to listen to you. so your teasing about how cute he was dancing on How Sweet by NewJeans was not an exception. “Come on ! You have to admit that you’re at least a little, tiny bit cute.” - “I am not.” - “Nah, I won’t accept it, you’re definitely cute.” Jihoon sighed and let you go on and on about how endearing he was one more time, as if he hadn’t been teased by his members about it enough. They really had to give him that type of song again, uh ? Last year, you had made a fuss about him dancing to Ditto too, when was this going to stop. But when you started to pepper his whole face with sweet kisses, Jihoon couldn’t hold back the smile stretching out his lips. And maybe, just maybe, that it wasn’t that bad in the end. 

LEE SEOKMIN

It was a well known fact that Seokmin was born to be a comedian, and his sense of humor was one of the main reasons you fell in love with him. And it never failed to amaze you how he always found a way to make everyone laugh. So when he dropped by your apartment after Caratland and you opened the door already chuckling and giggling to yourself. “Why are you making fun of me now ?”, he pouted as you let him make himself comfortable while you couldn’t stop thinking back to the fake abs during Guilty. “Can’t I just appreciate how hilarious you are ? I must say the shirt under your sweater was kind of genius.” When it finally clicked in Seokmin’s mind what you were talking about, he laughed too. He had this idea last minute, because he wasn’t too fond of showing much skin on stage, and he was glad that the majority of their fans, including you, followed his antics. “Well, of course, I wouldn’t let anyone other than you see my abs baby.”  

KIM MINGYU

Mingyu could argue with that as much as he wanted, you knew that deep down he was a baby girl. So you weren’t really surprised upon seeing videos of him dancing to Sticky by Kiss Of Life on every social media. And actually, it made you almost mad how he was better than you at shaking his ass. “Kim Mingyu !”, you called from the bedroom. Your boyfriend walked in mere seconds after, puppy-like eyes staring at you and a pout already forming on his face. “What’s going on, baby ?” - “Why didn’t you tell me about that ?” You turned your phone around to show him the clip of his dance, and his cheeks immediately reddened, as he grabbed your phone to turn it off. “Stooop… It’s embarrassing.” - “It’s not when you shake it that well, baby.” That only made him more shy and you giggled as he sulked about how mean you were. But as soon as you apologized with a little kiss, he was all smiley again.

XU MINGHAO

You were actually in the audience, witnessing your boyfriend willingly dancing to Maniac, both amazed and ready to make fun of him for the next few years at least. When you joined him backstage, Minghao knew from the grin on your face that you were going to tease him. He rolled his eyes at you as soon as you got closer to him. “I didn’t even say anything.” - “But I know that you’re going to.” You pouted a little, but he was right. “Come on, did you see yourself on stage ? Of course I have to tease you. The one and only Xu Minghao shaking his ass for the whole world to see ? That’s going down in history !” As always, you couldn’t help going overboard, but Minghao would be lying if he said that he didn’t like it, so he simply waited for an occasion to shut you up with his lips on yours. You immediately stopped and you went to wrap your arms around him instead. “You did very well, Hao.” - “Thank you, princess.”

BOO SEUNGKWAN

It was actually Seungkwan that brought it up himself, going on and on about how proud he was of his cover and how happy he was that Carats liked it. And it was true, he looked very good dancing to Boom Boom Bass, but you would never pass on an opportunity to tease your boyfriend. “It’s okay, baby, we all know you’re an amazing dancer, no need to brag like that.” - “And no need to be so uptight.”, scoffed Seungkwan as he gave you one of his infamous side eyes. You had to bite your lip to contain your smile as he started to rant about how you could never let him have his moment, until you weren’t able to hold back anymore and you broke out in laughter. That only left you with an even more sulky Seungkwan. “I was joking, baby ! You know I’m proud of you right ?” - “I don’t want your compliments now, they’re forced.” - “Don’t be like that.” You kissed his cheek and cuddled closer to him as you focused back on the show. And soon enough Seungkwan sighed and embraced you again. He loved you even if you drove him crazy sometimes. 

CHWE HANSOL

You were quite excited when Hansol told you that he would probably dance to Supernova by Aespa because you really liked the song. So when you watched the video with him by your side, you really had to hold back your laugh and smile as you witnessed your boyfriend slaying the choreo with a straight face, as always. “So, what do you think about it ?” You turned to face Hansol, trying to keep your composure, but a small grin had made his way onto your face. “What ? Was I that bad ?” - “No ! Stop saying that everytime I see you dance, you know you’re great. It’s just… Do you really have no emotion ?” He groaned at the neverending joke. When it was coming from you, he knew it was only to tease him at least. “That’s getting old, you know ?” - “But I’m not tired yet.”, you answered innocently. And Hansol shook his head at you despite a little smile stretching the corner of his lips. 

LEE CHAN

Chan always took dance challenges very seriously, no matter who it was and what the choreo was. So even if it was only supposed to be a silly cover, he gave his all into dancing to Fast Forward. Plus, he knew that you liked this song and he wanted to make you proud of him - it was his number one goal every time he was on stage. So when he came to see you, a few days after Caratland, he was expecting you to have already seen the video, just like every time. “Uh ? You dance to Fast Forward ? I didn’t even know… I’m sorry baby, I’ve been quite busy.” - “No, it’s okay, no big deal.” But you could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes and Chan was too adorable when he was like that. So you sighed and simply gave up on your plan, covering his whole face in kisses instead. “You don’t know me that well if you don’t think I’ve already liked every single video of you.” Chan giggled shily, but he liked your attention, liked how you always made sure to shower him in praises. It was impossible to tease him, not when he looked at you with his sad puppy eyes.

-> i don't allow any copies, reposts or translations of my work.

svt taglist (fill in this to be added) :

@hann1bee @heevllog @lil-kpopstan @lichyuu @bewoyewo @foxinnie8 @jaderabbit-98

[bridgertonandchocolate]

I’ve stayed quiet with most things Lukola mainly because I’ve just been so busy and haven’t had much time for Tumblr blogging.

Here’s my overall thoughts and in not any particular order because they’re all jumbled anyway.

1. I don’t think N and L have ever been “together”. I’ve seen a few people say they think they dated at some point during filming but I don’t think they would have. Should they? Yeah. Will they? I’m so so hopeful. But if there are feelings (which I do believe there were during filming and are currently) I think they would choose to not be together because of working together and their friendship because that shit gets messy if it goes sour.

2. All of the little nuggets N left is throughout this weekend were INSANE and absolutely UNHINGED. I’ve heard some things that there was maybe a bridgerton table read but I have no evidence that happened. I have a hard time believing they’re not about L because who else would it really be about. I know N is really private but I feel like we’d have some other clues if it was someone else.

3. I do believe L and A are over. If they even began. That whole thing. I don’t want to speculate over any of it really so I’ll just go off my impression from the images I’ve seen. All pictures I’ve seen A has looked really wanting to cling and making it seem forceful whereas L has always looked miserable. The pap pictures. The GQ pictures. The vacation pictures. All of it she’s there smiling and he looks like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world. L has also never posted about her or made any claim that they were an official couple. So I’m assuming there wasn’t ever any labels put on it by the two of them but what do I know. It seemed like Italy sent something off the rails and I think things ended.

4. The only thing that has me hesitant about all of N’s recent posts being about L is that it’s so soon after Italy went down. I’m not a relationship guru but if I were N I’d be putting on the brakes and not diving headfirst but if I also finally realized I loved this guy I don’t know maybe I’d be that unhinged too. The timeframe is the only thing that’s keeping me from being like yeah it’s absolutely 100% about L.

5. I’m really interested to see what happens the more we get closer to season 4. I think N will feed us some selfies from set but just like for season 3 there will be a drought. And with all of the negativity thrown at L I don’t think they’d put themselves into a media frenzy if they go public.

6. I’ve seen a lot of people hating on Lukola fans because they think we’re delusional and I say who cares lol. You cannot watch all of the promo they did for season 3 and honestly think that’s just a platonic friendship. If anyone has ever had feelings for a really good friend you’ll know how it comes across. I’ve never seen promo like that EVER. For me it’s fun to think of them ending up together because I’m a romantic at heart. You can tell they love each other whether it’s just friendly or not. I do try to not speculate but I can’t help but do it and I usually don’t ship actors. I love them individually and I would love them as a couple but I also love if it’s just friendship too.

Feel free to send asks. I love talking Lukola lol

[lacedinweb22]

I’ve been recently seeing an overwhelming amount of fanart representing this white-washed version of Miguel and it feels colorist and racist; can we talk about this? I’ll start -_-

I’ve seen him with light ass skin, a chiseled button nose, like HE IS MEXICAN y’all and throughout the film we see how wide his nose is or how thick his brows are. I know he’s half Irish but LET US HAVE THE FEATURES we’ve been given by the ATSV artists! Look at his nose 🤬🙏

He doesn’t have this thin ass button nose, please. You don’t get to pick and choose which features you want to keep on POC characters! Stop pushing your Eurocentric beauty standards onto the representation we have been given. It’s not even about your own art style, it’s you erasing the beauty and reality of our ethnicity, and showing us that you prefer some false whitified version of us. Of course there are lighter skinned Mexicans and POC but Miguel has been shown to have these specific features that go against Eurocentric beauty standards! I’m so sick of POC in the media being strictly portrayed by lighter skinned, straight thin-nosed, straight hair, etc.!!! There’s room for all of us, and we ALL need/deserve to see ourselves on screen.

Miguel’s character design is so special!!1!1! It reflects this acceptance and progress in media representation of Mexican people! I see him, and I don’t hate my nose as much, and this goes for other POC who see themselves on screen! This representation is so impactful and powerful and by depicting this whitewashed version of him, you’re just erasing the little accurate representation we have. >:(

We can be hot/beautiful/desirable with wide noses, dark skin, thick brows, and all of the other features we’ve been taught to hate about ourselves. Please keep this in mind when drawing/painting/writing about POC characters!!!

Absolutely no hate to any artists. We can all grow and learn from each other!

I wanted to voice this as a Mexican creator because I’m realizing now that some artists truly don’t recognize what they’re doing or the harm they’re causing. It really stings and reinforces insecurities we’ve grown up with and have been trying to heal from when we see people simping-over/preferring this white version of a character who was created and meant to look brown and you know, a person of color, like us.

Let’s appreciate, represent, and support minorities that haven’t nearly been celebrated, seen as the beauty standard, or seen as desirable as white, Eurocentric groups.

I have to fight for my people and I have to fight for my man. Thank you for your time 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩❤️‍🔥🇲🇽

[specialagentlokitty]

MHA x reader - nightmare

Hi can you do more bnha where Izuku sees the Reader (who's a hero and a teacher to UA) and ask about her quirk. Problem is, Reader hates her quirk (it can be any quirk that is considered villainous) as it had cause her parent's deaths and hates talking about it. But Izuku is the sweetest student she has (she could be an animal teacher who teaches how to rescue animals whenever there's a major disaster.) and she can't help but talk to him and he starts rambling off about how her quirk can help people not realizing that she starts to feel better about her quirk. - Anon💜

Walking through the hallways of UA you kept your eyes fixated forward as students jumped out of your way, doing anything to avoid being near you.

They were all rushing out of their classes to go to lunch, and you were heading to your own classroom to get away from the students and their prying eyes.

Pushing the door open, you made your way inside, pushing your hood down as you walked over to your desk, sitting down and kicking your feet up as you opened your lunch.

Hearing a timid knock on your door, you turned your head in that direction, watching as it was opened, timid green eyes locked with your black ones.

“Midoriya, it’s lunch you shouldn’t be here.”

“I.. I know… I had a question…” he mumbled.

You gave a nod of your head, gesturing for him to come in and you took your feet from the desk, kicking a chair over for him to sit down which he took.

He sat down, hugging his notebook to his chest.

“What do you want to ask?”

“I wanted to ask about your quirk….”

You narrowed your eyes a little bit which made him shuffle back in his chair, and you turned back to your lunch.

“Why?”

“Well, I know about Mr Aizawa’s, and everybody’s in my class, but I didn’t know much about you… I know you’ve never done any interviews about your quirk despite how many times the media has asked you.”

You held your spare hand out, waiting for him to give you the notebook.

Taking it from him you placed it on the desk, flicking through the pages, glancing over his notes and he laughed nervously.

“I know it may seem really weird but I’m eager to know everything about everybody’s quirks!”

“It’s a good thing, learning about as many quirks as you can now will help you in the future, you’ll be able to match similar quirks to ones you know.”

“Oh wow really? I never thought about that.”

You set your lunch down, taking the notebook and you turned to the student.

“I assume you spend a lot of time studying others, so the next time you’re facing another class focus on the quirks that resemble ones you’ve studied, you’ll notice a lot of them will fall into the same sub class.”

You carried flicking through the pages until you finally reached the page about you.

Just like the others there was a quick sketch of your hero costume, and the page title was your hero name, but that was it, there wasn’t anything else on the page.

There was just a bunch of question marks and you set the notebook next to you out of his way.

“I haven’t really figured anything out about your quirk, I tried. There’s speculation about what it’s actually called, as it was never confirmed there’s load of theories going around.” He explained.

You hummed a little bit.

“They also say that you chose your hero name based on what people would call you.”

“What do you think?”

“Well I do think Nightmare is a usual hero name, but I think it’s really cool!” He grinned.

You let out a small laugh.

“It’s true that my hero name is what people used to call me when I was growing up, my whole life that’s all I’ve been referred as. A nightmare.”

You pushed yourself up, pulling your hood back up, gesturing for him to follow you and he did, letting you lead him down the schools halls.

Some students watched in curiosity as the student followed you.

“My quirk is called Nightmare as well, so I suppose it’s fitting that I used that as my hero name given how everybody called me that anyways, it wouldn’t make much of a difference.”

Leading him to the cafeteria, you made him pick up his lunch, and you made your way back to your classroom.

He sat at one of the desks so he could eat while writing down in his notebook, and you went back to eating your own lunch.

“How does your quirk work?”

You sighed.

“I don’t like talking about it.”

“Oh I’m really sorry Miss Nightmare! I didn’t mean to push!” He panicked.

You gazed at him with black eyes.

He’d heard people couldn’t meet your gaze, because when they did it was like looking into an abyss, you get lost in them and that’s how your quirk works.

You have never activated it on them though, and he wasn’t so sure how true that was.

“What I’m about to tell you an never leave this room, do you understand? There’s a select few who know about my quirk and how it works. All Might seems to trust you, and I trust him.”

“Of course! You have my word!”

He grinned from ear to ear and you sighed.

“Let me start by saying that all those rumours you’ve heard about my quirk aren’t real. It doesn’t work the way people think it does. My quirk is called Nightmare, but I don’t cause nightmares.”

“You don’t?”

You shook your head.

“My quirk lets me see what people’s biggest fear is, it’s like a label above your head, I can’t help this, I just see it. Now, don’t get me wrong, your biggest fear isn’t what you think it is, it’s a subconscious fear, something you don’t even think about.”

“What’s mine?”

“I can’t tell you, if I tell you that means my quirk is in effect. Generally if I tell somebody their fear they’ll become hyper focused on it, and it’ll drive them insane.”

He nodded his head.

“My quirk allows me to take other fears however, and bring them into reality, no matter what it is, I can shape all your fears, your nightmares into physical forms, only you can see them, nobody else, and for the most part it’ll leave you unable to move, you’ll be to scared to try and fight.”

“That’s why no villains have ever attacked you, right?”

“Correct.”

Walking over to your chalkboard, you grabbed the chalk and began to explain everything to him, drawing a few diagrams.

You turned to look at Midoriya.

“I turn my victims world into a living nightmare in which they’rere trapped until I release them from my quirk. However I can’t keep them under the affect for more than five minutes.”

“What happens after that?”

“Do you know how fear works? What it does to your body?”

He shook his head, and you began to explain how fear affects the body, and what it does to the body.

“Eventually your heart will give out, you’ll die.”

His eyes shot open.

“This is why I’m the last to the scene, so I can subdue the villains without harming them.”

You erased all the writing off the board, setting the chalk back down.

Taking your chair you walked over to him, setting in down in front of his desk, and you took his notebook to see if he was writing anything down.

Much to your surprise he hadn’t been writing a single thing down.

“This is why I’m regarded as a villain, even though I help people. Because of how dangerous my quirk is, I need to remain in full control otherwise the consequences could be disastrous.”

You sighed a little bit.

“I can also take your fears and nightmares, but like all quirks there’s a drawback.”

“Oh?”

You pushed your hood down, and the boy could see how tired you look, as if you hadn’t slept for years.

“In studying peoples fear, taking them and manipulating them, they also become part of me, meaning I’m stuck with all the fears I have ever seen. Which means I can’t sleep. I sleep a few hours week at most.”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound healthy.”

You let out a small laugh, leaning back in your chair.

“Each quirk has a downfall Midoriya, you should know this as well.”

He frowned a little bit.

“A lot of people say you hate your quirk…” he said quietly.

You nodded your head.

“They’re correct, I don’t. I hate my quirk, it’s monstrous, which is why I wanted to use it to be a hero. That doesn’t mean I like it though.”

“Your quirk is amazing! You can do so much with it to help people though! You can take peoples fears away! And you can stop villains before they hurt anybody!”

He carried on rambling about how amazing your quirk was, and how you could help people giving you a list longer then you ever thought.

You never realised there was so many uses for your quirk, and after being called a villain and a monster for so long you had began to believe it.

But listening to your student rambling in amazement about your quirk all you could do was smile as you listened.

While he was pacing back and forth listening everything you were writing his notebook, closing it just before the bell went.

“Oh! I’m going to be late!”

“Notebook.”

You held it out to him, and he beamed brightly as he ran out of the classroom.

With a little smile you went back to your desk to finish eating your lunch, a newfound sense of wonder for your quirk installed in you.

He was going to make a great hero and that you were sure of, you just wondered if you’d be able to see your students grow.

Your door was opened again, and Hizashi walked in with a grin, holding up a cup and a bottle, Aizawa walking with him.

“You two have class.”

“You need sleep.”

Hizashi walked over, setting them both in front of you, and he grinned a little.

“Aizawa is gonna make sure your quirk stays dormant!”

You smiled at them both, taking your medication and downing the cup of coffee.

Tossing your jacket in the ground you laid your head on it, resting your arms over your eyes.

“What’s the medication for anyways man? You’ve never said.” The loud hero huffed.

“Fatal insomnia, a genetic byproduct of my quirk.”

[sellasstories]

SWEET

word count: 1.5k

pairing: paige bueckers x azzi fudd

⚠️warnings⚠️

hurt/comfort, angst, swearing

prompts:

paige is upset at her team and misses azzi

pazzi are each other’s person but haven’t figured out exactly what that means

title from the cas song (somewhat inspired)

Paige breathed a sigh of relief when the final buzzer sounded. It should’ve been a relatively easy game, but this season had been anything but easy so far and she hadn’t been taking anything for granted, especially since Azzi got hurt again.

Azzi…. through the photos, autographs, and media, Paige couldn’t help her mind from drifting back to her. Azzi, her rock, her person, her best friend… maybe that last one wasn’t quite right anymore. They hadn’t put a label on anything yet, but she didn’t think that the parameters of “best friends” quite explained what they were to each other.

All she knew was that Azzi should’ve been a part of the win, not laying in a hospital bed. She knew sitting there watching must’ve been killing Azzi as much as it was killing Paige to not have her on the floor.

The team was already chattering excitedly when she stepped onto the bus.

“There she is! P-SKIII!” cheered KK, trying to get her to join in on whatever silly dance her and Aubrey were doing.

“Thanks KK, but I’m too tired for all this. I think I’mma go pass out in the back if anyone needs me.” She ignored the confused looks of most of her teammates.

Aaliyah must have seen the look in her eyes because she spoke up suddenly. “You guys heard her, her back hurts from carrying your sorry asses with her 34 and 12!”

As everyone laughed, Paige shot Aaliyah a grateful look and went to sit down. After making sure that no one was paying any attention to her, she pulled out her phone and called Azzi, who picked up almost immediately.

“Congratulations! I watched the whole thing and I’m so proud of you guys!” Azzi’s excitement was painfully fake, even over the phone.

“Thanks,” Paige mumbled hollowly. “You know you don’t have to pretend with me, right?”

“I know, it’s just that you finally got a win and we really need those right now and I… didn’t wanna take away from that, I guess,” Azzi sighed. Her voice had lost all its prior enthusiasm.

Paige wasn’t prepared for how broken Azzi sounded. Despite her best efforts to blink them back, her eyes began to fill with tears. “Don’t worry about anything like that. It wasn’t a good win and we both know it. I guess I played fine, but where is the rest of this fucking team?”

Paige knew it was unfair, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying it. “Where are you, Az? I need you.”

The call lapsed into silence, Paige trying to stop the tears from leaking out of her eyes while, alone in a hospital bed, Azzi’s cheeks were already wet.

“No, Azzi, stop it. You’re not allowed to be crying right now,” Paige leaned her head against the bus window.

“How did you kno- whatever, you’re literally crying too, baby,” Azzi was quick to reply when she heard the tremor in the other girl’s voice. “I should be there for you, I don’t know why shit like this keeps happening.”

Paige gave up on wiping the tears now freely flowing down her face.

“I can’t have you crying because of me, I can’t. It’s just a game- well it’s not just a game but it’s also not your life. You shouldn’t have this — shouldn’t have my problems — on your mind as well! It’s not fair to you, it just isn’t.” She went silent, realizing she’d let slip more than she’d intended to.

“How can you even say that when you’ve cried over me more times than I can remember?” Azzi asked incredulously. “You’re right, Paige, it’s not just a game, it’s your whole life, and mine! It’s the reason I’m here right now, still fighting for a chance at one of the most important things in the world to me, to both of us.”

So many miles away, Paige’s broken sigh was a shot straight through Azzi’s heart.

“I’m tired, Azzi. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be… I miss you.” The last part was whispered like a confession, Paige seemingly still not sure if it was something that she could just say.

“I know, P. None of this is fair. I miss you too.” It came out easier for Azzi. She’d always been better at stuff like that.

Neither girl knew what to say after that, the only sounds on the call being soft breathing and faint sounds of rain hitting the bus’s windows.

“It’s raining here, like a lot. It’s kinda soothing if you close your eyes,” Paige broke the silence, her voice a bit rough.

Azzi wiped her eyes, squinting at the curtains drawn over the window in her room. “I think it’s raining here too,” she finally said.

Paige sat in silence as she listened to Azzi call for a nurse to come open her window.

“It is kinda nice, you’re right.” Azzi took a deep breath as the soft pattering of raindrops filled her ears.

“Can I say that I miss you again?” Paige asked after another long silence.

“You can say anything to me.” Azzi’s voice was suddenly groggy.

“It’s late. I think you should go to sleep. I’ll see you when I get back.” Paige couldn’t hide the fondness in her voice.

“No, I’ll stay up with you. I’m not even tired, I promise.” Azzi tried to argue despite the heaviness of her voice.

Paige waited a while before answering. “You know it’s gonna be another couple of hours. I don’t mind, I promise.” She mirrored Azzi’s words.

There was nothing but silence on the line.

“Hey, Az?” Getting no response, Paige listened for a few minutes before she hung up, Azzi’s peaceful deep breathing eventually coming through.

She looked ahead at her teammates still celebrating and decided she’d just try to get some sleep herself.

•••••

The light knocking on Azzi’s door blended with the sounds of the rain, not waking her up. “I can come back tomorrow, she should probably sleep,” Paige sighed, trying to hide how close she was to breaking down again.

“Are you sure? I think she’d want to see you,” The nurse looked confused. “She seemed quite adamant when she told me to let you in any time, no matter what.”

Paige was speechless. It wasn’t even all that surprising as she knew that she’d do the same for Azzi, but the confirmation of those feelings being reciprocated meant a lot more to Paige than she thought it would.

Seeing Paige’s indecision, the nurse placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’m just going to unlock the door for you, honey, and you can figure out what you want to do,” she said kindly. “You’re a great girlfriend, by the way,” she tossed over her shoulder as she walked away.

“We’re not-” Paige started to say automatically, trailing off when she realized that she liked other people thinking of her and Azzi that way.

After hesitating outside the door for another minute, Paige slowly turned the handle, trying to make as little noise as possible.

Azzi’s room was dark, the only light being the sliver coming in from the hallway. It illuminated her sleeping face, and she looked so peaceful that Paige almost left again, not wanting to disturb her at all.

Shutting the door, Paige was fumbling for the switch on a lamp in the corner of the room when she heard Azzi’s blankets rustle.

“…Paige?” She mumbled, rubbing her eyes as Paige located the switch and light flooded the room.

“Hey, I’m here,” Paige said softly.

Azzi opened her arms and Paige crawled into her bed, neither of them minding that the size of it forced their bodies to be pressed against each other.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep,” Azzi pressed her lips to the top of Paige’s head, her fingers combing through blonde hair.

Paige lifted her head to meet Azzi’s eyes. “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you were actually resting like you were supposed to be,” she smirked, dodging the other girl’s attempt to flick her forehead.

Azzi’s retort was cut off by Paige’s lips pressing against hers, both girls smiling into the kiss. They pulled apart, foreheads pressed together.

In the intimacy of their little bubble, Azzi allowed a confession to slip out. “I’m glad you came. It means a lot.” The words may not have been anything novel, but she could tell that Paige understood why she said them so solemnly.

“Azzi, I…” Paige swallowed, embarrassed, and buried her face in Azzi’s neck.

“I know you do, P,” Azzi reassured her with a soft smile. “Me too. You don’t have to say it.” She knew that Paige wasn’t ready, and that was okay. She was here in Azzi’s arms, and for now, that was more than enough.

[everpresence]

I’m scared I’ve been in this community for years and haven’t manifested a thing, what if I’ll never understand how to manifest or how to apply the law or if the law is real.

i normally don't answer questions where people vent to me about their circumstances, but i can't bring myself to delete this because i was in your shoes before.

i was putting so much effort into applying the law, i was reading so many books on the law, so many reddit posts, youtube videos. it was rough. i felt completely alone because i didn't know a lot of people that i could talk to about the law, and reading other people's success stories only made me feel worse. i know where you are coming from, anon.

the law is always working. i know it does not sound true right now, but i'm so serious. if i wasn't, then i wouldn't be running this blog in the first place. the law is always working, but people tend to forget this one key: you only get who you are, not what you want.

when you focus on lack, when you focus on trying too hard, when you focus on your doubts and your fears and your "what-ifs" and "buts," which method works, which method doesn't, validation that the law is working, how will it come, etc., then you will only ever see those things be translated to your thoughts, emotions, reactions, events, etc.

so yes, you did manifest. you did use the law, and yes it may be unintentional and you didn't mean to, but this is exactly what happened. you used the law, and you focused on struggle, you focused on not having manifested, you focused on the 3D being your source of validation. your 3D is feedback -- it's literally telling you that your focus should NOT be on this.

and i'm not saying this to blame you, anon, i'm saying this because the truth of the matter is that you are NOT an exception to the law. you ARE the law. i know it is a double-edged sword, but you have the choice to lean towards the side where you realize that this is actually a good thing. you have the free will to believe that you can take advantage of this ability that you have always had in you your whole life and use it for good.

you are meant to learn this truth. i promise you that this is not an accident, none of what i am saying to you is an accident. the 3D is feedback of your 4D, and here i am, giving you the feedback that you need to hear right now.

so here's what i want you to do:

stop seeking external validation. stop looking at success stories, stop looking for advice, stop seeking external guidance, stop all of it. i feel like you already know everything that you need to know. and more importantly, stop looking out at the outer world and believing that it is the final outcome. it's not. if you find yourself seeking it, stop it and tell yourself "i trust me. i trust the god-in-me. i know everything that i need to know already, so i can trust now." and this is where my second point comes in.

it's time to start trusting yourself, and not just your human self -- trust your divine self too. trust your higher self, inner self, god-in-you, universe, infinite intelligence whatever the hell you want to name it. you are not just your conscious mind, you are so much more than that. seth talks about this in his books. you are so incredible. your human mind is only one aspect of who you really are, and that is so amazing. you are infinity and beyond.

you are on your own journey. comparison is the thief of joy. stop focusing on other people and what they're doing. again, stop reading those success stories. delete social media if you have to.

if you need a break from the law, PLEASE take a break from it. you were never meant to struggle. you were never meant to try so hard. take that break and take care of yourself. do what you have to do to feel better, to feel good. it will be so worth it.

be kind to yourself. give yourself compassion because i have a hunch that you might not have been so kind to yourself about your journey. don't be so hard on yourself, again, you are on your own journey. if you mess up, it's not the end of the world. it's not permanent. you can always pick yourself back up.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hello! This is a sex ed-adjacent question that may or may not be in your purview; I’ll send it along anyway if that’s okay :) I’m calling in with a sort of weird question about detangling shame from sex. For some context, I’m in a happy relationship and the both of us feel sexual attraction, but haven’t had sex in a while. That’s partly fine and partly a concern, if only because I have a high libido when alone, and can orgasm alone, but I’ve never managed to around my partner. While I think this is generally okay, and part of my worry is only because of societal pressure, I’ve been learning that I tamp down on my enjoyment of things in so many areas: media, in person events, hangouts with friends. I feel like someone is always waiting to laugh at me, and I feel the same during sex, sometimes. I want to be cool and sexy and have fun, and I often do, but sometimes I’m so scared about being made fun of (by who? Idk, god?) that I feel like my enjoyment is far away, and none of this is really on account of my partner. I know there’s no cure all to this, but I would like to like sex :’). Have you had any experience with handling this, or do you have any resources to point to on working with this? You do sex education, not sex therapy, lol, so I realize this may be totally out of your wheelhouse, but I haven’t had much luck in cursory googling nor do I have anyone to really talk to about this. Thank you so much for the help you give folks on here!

hi anon,

it's fitting that you mention sex therapy, because I think this is actually much more orw of a therapy question than a sex question. it sounds like this is a gnawing insecurity that impacts far more areas of your life than just sex, and it will be far easier to address that issue broadly than try to trying to only apply it to your sex life. that's waaay beyond what I'm qualified or willing to handle here on tumblr dot com, but I hope you're able to find a mental healthcare professional who can help you tackle it.

[markbandanawitts]

A Full English Translation of Mine Yoshizaki’s 47 Question QnA 🔥🔥

— Near the end of the 11.5 Guidebook, Yoshizaki sat down for an exclusive interview with Shonen Ace (The magazine that serialized Keroro Gunso), where he answered some personalized questions about himself

I’ve translated all of them along with giving some context to certain media references in this w attached links. he’s talks exactly how you’d expect lmao

Q1: Yoshizaki-sensei, people often seem to think you’re a woman.

I guess it’s because my name reads as “Mine.” When I chose it, I only had the image of Ryuta Mine in my head. But judging by Keroro’s behavior, I think it’s pretty clear I’m not a woman (laugh)

Q2: What was the first manga you bought?

I had my uncle buy me one copy each of Kiteretsu Encyclopedia and Obake Q-Taro. I used to borrow Doraemon from a rental bookstore.

Q3: Do you still have them?

Nah, even if I did, they’d be unreadable by now. I reread them so much they fell apart.

Q4: Do you have a favorite place to read?

I haven’t been reading too much lately, but I love to in a quiet, cozy café.

Q5: Has anything recently made you feel like you’ve been tricked?

Actually, yeah. Not too long ago, a friend took me on a small trip. We hopped on the highway and drove quite a bit, and I had no idea why we were going where we were; but it was fun, so I didn’t think much of it. Later, when I got home and watched the episode of Kamen Rider Hibiki that I’d recorded that morning, I realized the episode was filmed in the exact spot we had visited! My friend hadn’t said a word! It caught me completely off guard, but honestly, it kind of made me pretty happy too.

Q6: Is there a character you look up to?

Oh, definitely Saeki-san (laugh)

Q7: Keroro’s gotten really popular. Anything about that make you happy?

Hearing that everyone involved with Keroro is having fun working on it is what makes me happy.

Q8: On the flip side, anything tough about it?

It seems like working on Keroro is also kind of exhausting (laugh)

Q9: If you could be any character in Keroro, who would you choose?

Maybe Poyon-chan. She seems so nice and fluffy.

Q10: Who would you like to live with?

I’d say the new characters, Alisa-chan and Nevula.

Q11: Why them in particular?

I feel like we could have a nice, quiet time in an old Western-style mansion.

Q12: Is there any invention from Kururu that you’d want?

Oh, definitely that one thing for making Gundam models!

Q13: What’s your favorite part of the manga drawing process?

Definitely when it’s finally completed (laugh)

Q14: What’s the toughest part?

Getting started (laugh)

Q15: What do you think of the illustrations in the first volume of Keroro?

What do I think? Well, it was my best effort seven years ago. There's something beyond just thinking "it's bad." Especially for Keroro, since I challenged myself to break my previous style and start from scratch, so there are definitely some awkward parts in there.

Q16: When do you draw the cover illustrations? At the beginning, in the middle, or at the end?

The inking is random, so it varies every time.

Q17: Do you pay attention to differentiating characters?

Sometimes I intentionally try not to differentiate them visually. I make their personalities distinct, so that can create a sense of difference. I’ve even tried going against silhouette theory a bit, which is directly reflected in characters like Keroro.

Q18: Which is more fun to draw, Keronians or Earthlings?

Keronians’ round eyes are a hassle, and Earthlings have too many lines... It’s a toss-up (laugh)

Q19: What about secondary characters? Which ones are fun to draw?

Every character becomes lively as soon as I draw them, so it's fun. To me, they’re all waiting in line to be drawn!

Q20: Any tips for drawing something you’ve never seen before?

Draw with your eyes closed!

Q21: Do you do anything to improve your drawing skills?

Since I started working, not really. I draw every day, so whatever I’m bad at stays bad, which can be a bit of an issue.

Q22: When creating a manga, do you start with the characters, story, or setting?

The theme. Something that instinctively feels like "that's it!" The rest comes after that.

Q23: When do you come up with story ideas?

I thrash my ideas around, trying to come up with something, and eventually, once I reach the mandatory state of resignation, it comes to me (laugh)

Q24: Which takes more time, storyboarding or drawing?

Storyboarding!

Q25: If you had to sum up the feeling of struggling to come up with storyboards in one word?

Ugh.

Q26: What’s something essential while you work?

Coffee, probably.

Q27: You’ve never taken a break from publishing, but do you ever want to? If so, when?

I always feel like I want to! Every single time, no matter what!

Q28: When do you usually draw your manga—morning, afternoon, or night?

My schedule is all over the place. I live on a 25-26 hour cycle, so when my timing is off, it tends to mess things up for a lot of people. It makes planning pretty difficult too.

Q29: What’s your favorite manga that you’ve drawn so far?

Definitely Keroro Gunso.

Q30: Do you think you’re better suited for one-shot manga or long series?

Considering the amount of ideas on my brain when working on Keroro storyboards, I think I’m better suited for long series.

Q31: Are you currently thinking about your next manga project?

Ideas come and go, honestly. Right now, I’m putting all my effort into Keroro!

Q32: Do you like your own manga?

When it comes to Keroro, I like it without hesitation.

Q33: If you were an editor, what would you tell yourself?

“You can take a three month break if you want.”

Q34: Are you comfortable with drawing manga in front of people?

I’m totally fine with it! But in reality, I usually work alone, holed up in my workspace.

Q35: Do you do anything for your health?

Not really… It’s bad… I feel like I’ve been sending out SOS signals lately (laugh)

Q36: Do you have any stress relief methods?

I never considered myself to be stressed, but recently my eye started twitching, and apparently, that’s a sign of stress. I was kind of surprised when I found that out!

Q31: There are 24 hours in a day, but how many hours would you really want?

48 hours would be great!!

Q38: Is there anything that influences your manga drawing?

I’m most influenced by the general atmosphere of the world around me.

Q39: How would you describe the feeling of racing through Okutama on your bike?

Yahoo!

Q40: Anything that’s stuck with you or left a strong impression recently?

The insurance commercial with soccer commentator Matsuki has really stuck with me… As for things, I’m obsessed with the NSF100 motorcycle— I want it so bad!

Q41: A memorable quote that’s stuck with you?

“Ramen is long and delicious!” (I have literally no idea what he’s referencing here my bad guys)

Q42: Since getting your cat, Mac, has your life changed?

My lifestyle hasn’t really changed, but it feels like my heart’s OS has been upgraded by about three versions!

Q46: Do you like traveling?

I like it, but I haven’t gone anywhere recently. If I could, I’d love to go with all my friends.

Q43: What’s the most wasteful thing you’ve ever spent royalties on?

Royalties, huh... (laugh) The other day, I saw a Keroro bath towel in a UFO catcher machine, and I had to get it. I ended up blowing ¥2,000* and still didn’t win it. I wonder if my royalties will cover that…

*this is like $14 😭

Q45: What are the things you love the most?

The Earth, my wife, and Mac (my cat).

Q46: What’s the most shocking thing you’ve experienced?

When I first moved to Tokyo, I saw an elementary school kid at Yotsuya Station wearing a backpack and smoking a cigarette. I thought, “Wow, Tokyo’s scary. Maybe I should just go home.” But I’m glad I didn’t because I became a manga artist (laugh)

Q47: What does drawing manga mean to you?

It’s about making people happy. That concept hasn’t changed since I was a kid making hand-drawn manga for my friends in elementary school.

Anddd heres my impressively terrible scans of those pages just in case anyone wanted the source

[channelmariegreen]

Okay… so- I just finished ep 4 for tadc so BIG SPOILERS COMING UP. THIS IS BASICALLY ME UNLOADING MY BRAIN CONTENT THAT FORMED FROM THAT EPISODE

Firstly. I feel like gangle has depression and/or bipolar disorder(she also said she was manic at one point) and she’s just hiding it with mask- literally and figuratively. I loved that zooble really was there for her and comforted her regardless of her problems. I think everyone needs a friend like zooble! I think that although gangle was a tad hyper and trying to be happy and responsible- it didn’t warrant what ragatha and Jax said to her😢 I’m aware that ragatha was just speaking her mind because of the sauce- which is completely fine with me, there’s nothing wrong with honesty and Jax was just being rude as usual(doesn’t excuse his behavior), however there’s a nicer way to say things- especially when a person is being nice and isn’t deliberately trying to annoy you and especially since gangle is just trying her best. Although ragatha potentially might not know about gangle’s depression- how would we all feel if we're sad and trying to put on a happy face for people and get through the day- only be told that we’re easier when we’re sad, or that they like us better when we’re sad?🤨, its messed up) and now because of that gangle thinks none of them like her which makes me so sad. I also hope that one day when they get out, that gangle(and all of them) does achieve her dreams! Anything is possible if you put your mind to it!

That pulls into my next point- ragatha. I do think ragatha is genuinely a nice person but if she is being nice only so people would like her then, she should potentially try being more honest and being concerned with not only other peoples feelings but her own as well. I’m a believer in that you can be nice but firm without being super blunt if you don’t like something(not all issues need this approach, sometimes you need to be blunt but sometimes not so much) and I personally think that would help ragatha a lot if she gets past the people pleaser thing. If people don’t like her being honest(without being mean or unnecessary) then they aren’t meant to be her friend and that’s okay! Also despite what she said to gangle- I do think she is a nice person overall.

Jax. I think that he has this mean persona for some reason. In my opinion- part of it is for attention and for some reason making people believe this is truly him or for another reason. And although he can be very mean, impulsive and hurtful, etc… when he drops that persona he’s good to talk to and I think you can see that he potentially is mentally exhausted or depressed too and is using that mask to hide it(or it could be the fact that he went through a lot on that shift and wanted to be alone). I would love a conversation between him and the other circus members with him being actually genuine and not trying to hurt anyone. I also hope we have a moment of realization for him. Maybe he can have a wake up call and he can apologize and try to get better. Also I do want to know what he was think when ragatha said “I hate you but I don’t want you to hate me…” I personally think he didn’t know what to say. And also- 🧐 what did he see in that room? I know it was an indirect showing of gangle’s feelings and I assume trauma but he looked scared when he came out 😟 at the end of the day- I could be completely mistaken with Jax’s character- he’s complex and we haven’t been given too many clues so I’m still trying to understand 😊

Also I think it was great that Pomni was helping gangle out. I think it is possible that gangle could have had an issue if Pomni didn’t unintentionally snap her out of it. ASLO 🫵😯 when Pomni and Gummigoo were talking- I saw the look of familiarity in his eyes and I had a feeling he just couldn’t say anything about it and then someone on social media pointed out to people that he reached out to her a bit but just couldn’t say anything! 😦 I wonder if he really remembered her and if so- does that mean the other NPCs remember too or is it just different since he broke the 4th wall and knows the truth now?

And finally Caine was actually more tame this episode than I expected but he’s cool and I want to see more cracks in his AI and glitching 🤓 and it was really cute when Kinger riding a bull 🐂

Overall I think the quietness of the episode paired with depression and social masks was great 👍 although I prefer more dramatic and emotional scenes- I think this episode was good! 😊 I’m very excited to see Jax’s episode next(episode 6 I believe)

[okkalo]

Hi! I saw you opened requests and thought I would drop one into your box!

I really like what you wrote for the crush + confessions, and was wondering if we could get scenarios for Reo, Shidou, and Kunigami saying "I love you" for the first time

Thanks in advance if you decide to write this!

hello! congrats on being my first request back 🤭 i hope u enjoy these and have a good day!!

characters: reo, shidou, kunigami (i haven’t mentioned this in my rules yet but i will always write pre-wildcard for him unless specified otherwise [it depends on the req too bc i feel like i won’t be able to characterize him right 😔]!!)

reo

- he was down bad since you started dating so he’s been feeling it for awhile

- knows not to say it early though because he doesn’t want you to doubt his feelings

- you’re probably feeling insecure about your relationship once he says it

- he revealed your relationship on social media not too long ago and a lot of the comments were making suggestions of you using him for his money and frankly just not being good enough for him.

- the average reo cliché am i right 🤣🤣

- reo knew you wouldn’t use him so he never worried about the comments

- he didn’t take into consideration the other comments though and just you not being used to hate comments

- he only realized once you had broke down in front of him

- he’s quick to comfort you, holding you in an embrace as you cry while rubbing your back

- once he hears you blubber about truly loving him and not needing his money he immediately gets it and separates from the hug to gently yet firmly hold your face, looking into your eyes as he confesses

“y/n, you know i don’t think any of that.” he started off, tone softening to match your vulnerable state. “and who cares what those losers claim? they’ve probably been single for decades to where they need to talk shit to cope, leave them be.”

“reo!” you gasp at his claim, giving him a light smack on the arm. that didn’t stop you from smiling, however. he only shook his head, continuing with his speech despite your disruption.

“y/n, i love you so so much. at this point even if you were using me for money i would still oblige.” he was quick to place a finger to your lips to stop your complaint. “i know you aren’t, though. but either way i still want to spoil you everyday, so i couldn’t care less about what those shitheads think, i only care about you.” you forgot how much of a sap reo could be, but either way his rambling certainly did comfort you. he sealed it all with a deep and loving kiss, making sure to replicate all of his emotions into his action.

shidou

- i’m actually going to stun everyone for a moment and say it actually takes him a WHILE to finally say the three words

- now stay with me for a minute

- i get that he’s a very say what he feels kinda guy but at the same time he doesn’t really feel love until later on

- and i mean like a year or 8 months

- it hits him so suddenly too

- you’re probably just doing something domestic with him and he realizes how important you’ve become to him

- he was soon to leave for a match abroad, so he had to get the most of your affection now before he was left to his lonesome

- that also meant he had to get some of his rowdiness out as well

“shidou, put me down!” your shout rang through your shared apartment as you thrashed around on his shoulder, which he had thrown you on like you were a stupid sack of potatoes. humiliating. he gave into your wishes shortly after, flinging you aggressively on the bed. he paid no mind to your hiss of pain at the not-so-polite meeting with the mattress. he was quick to climb on top of you. though, you noticed his usually aggressive eyes turn soft once looking down at you.

all at once, the thoughts of not being able to see your face for days on end, let alone hear your real voice hit him. he remembers back to the last time he had to leave you. how off he had felt the whole trip, his mind always thinking about you. wow, has he stooped as low as sendou?

without thinking another thought, he whispered a soft, “i love you.” he must have to be sounding this vulnerable in front of a woman. he figured he didn’t really care, enjoying the feeling of being you all to much to care. he dropped down to collapse on your body, effectively knocking out all of the air from your body while doing so. meanwhile, you were still shocked he showed you his softer set of eyes.

kunigami

- he probably tells you 2-3 months into the relationship

- it honestly depends how fast you guys are going

- he absolutely does it when you are doing something cute in his eyes

- so that can be in public or just the two of you, he doesn’t care, really. if it’s public get ready to blush because the way he says it with total emotion will make you weak.

- for this one you guys were in the comfort of his house, lounging around on the couch on your phones while you rested on his chest

- you got hungry so you got up to go get something to eat from the kitchen

- still on your phone, you gasped so loud once you came across pictures of baby and mama polar bears together, knowing your boyfriend would love the sight

- so, of course, you ran back to his arms, ignoring his worried questions, and shoved your phone in his face.

“rensuke, look!” you exclaimed, eyes wide as you shuffled in to get comfortable in his lap. he gave a confused look to you, wondering what the whole ordeal was about. you sighed, bringing your phone down to give him a pouty expression. “it’s polar bears, you’re favorite.”

realization spread across his face, now understanding you had been excited to show him the pictures of his favorite animal. “that’s what all that was about?” he breathed a sigh of relief. you only nodded, lifting your phone back up so he could look at the pictures of them.

a small smile spread on his face, more at you then the pictures. once you finished scrolling through the different photos of polar bears and looked back at your phone with a content smile he confessed. “i love you,” it was mostly a thought that just happened to slip from his lips, catching him but some surprise too. your eyes widened, looking back up at him. he had a soft pink tint on his cheeks. he figured there was no going back with his sentence, instead leaning in to give you a soft peck on the cheek.

unedited thanks for reading!

[leajdh]

Gold rush

Chapter four: Ayo, fuck this. Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something in between that? I wish we never fucked, and I mean that. But not really..

He was just a few more steps away from becoming a living legend. Already praised by the media as the honored one, he made a grave mistake which not only put his Ice Hockey career on hold, it disappointed even his most loyal fans so much so that his reputation sank to an all-time low.

Then he meets you; a retired figure skating champion who is now trying to find her purpose in life after her triumphs, all while still being loved and cherished by the media and public likewise.

Satoru Gojo sees his chance to not only get back unto the rink, but also to regain his former popularity.

But he soon realizes it will be a lot harder to get on your good side, because he's everything you despise combined into one person.

Will you give him a second chance and allow him to redeem himself, or is this going to be the match for your life time?

Gojo Satoru x reader (first person narrator)

Ice Hockey AU

FAKE DATING TROPE

Enemies to lovers

English isn't my first language, so expect some grammar errors

18+!!

LINK TO ALL CHAPTERS:

Against all odds, everything is going smoothly. 

It’s only been two days since the picture was posted on my instagram, so I shouldn’t crow too soon, but how can I not when the wildcard Satoru Gojo follows all my rules without any objections?

It’s just too good to be true, but it is true. 

At least for now.

We haven’t really started yet with creating a narrative. So far we just handled everything between each other. I sent him a list of rules that he agreed on and we both signed a contract. Our contract likewise our fake relationship needed an expiration date, so we came up with 21 days after his first game at the Stanley cup. 

With that we make sure that people don’t suspect us from faking the relationship. We also decided the reason why we will break up is the long distance, something like; My life and home is in Idaho and his life and career is in New York City. I know, not romantic at all, but realistic. 

Coming to my rules, they are simple but strict.

Satoru isn’t allowed to post anything without asking me beforehand (exceptions are campaign pictures and videos).

The reason for this rule is simple. I don’t trust Satoru to not post anything stupid that will ruin the narrative I’m going for. With the picture of his head on my thigh, he set a tone for our relationship from which I want to break away. Everything will be family friendly from now on. A lovestory Disney would want to cinematize.

This rule also includes no talking to the media unless his team (which I am part of) approves.

2. Decluttering his social media.

Initially I thought I had to do much more. Suguru told me after the crash Satorus PR-team deleted every party picture or video. It didn’t matter if alcohol was in the frame or not. All this is gone. However, I decluttered even more. Yesterday I started my research on the people Satoru follows. Without mercy I deleted everyone I thought wasn't good for his image to be associated with. The only problematic one I didn’t unfollow is one of his teammates. Toji Fushiguro. 

Apparently a welcome visitor at casinos and race tracks. Bad enough for me already, but the cherry on top are the allegations from older women that, before he became a pro ice hockey player, he used to scam them for money and housing. 

But I looked more into it and I would rather say these old hags did not really get scammed. More so they were his sugar mamas and now they are mad at him for leaving them. Hence there was never a criminal prosecution. 

The biggest problem with Satorus social media are all the girls he follows. 

With a lot of them, he publicly hooked up. All gorgeous women; either models, singers or actresses. I gulped at that and thought on how to handle it. My initial thought was to simply not do anything. Just let them follow each other. I don’t want to come across as the girlfriend who is super jealous and if the media figures out (which they will) that Satoru unfollowed all his former liaisons, it will be a headline and I will be the villain. 

But this issue clashes with another rule.

3. For the entirety of our fake relationship neither him nor me are allowed to engage in any romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Doesn’t matter if it is happening in real-life or just online. Nothing that can cause any fanfare.

Personally I do not think it will be a problem for me but I have less (a lot less) faith in Satoru. He is known for his playboy lifestyle, so I was generally surprised as he agreed so easily to this rule. Even as I wanted to include a paragraph in our contract that I am given the honor to cut his penis of if he cheats. 

Sadly Ichiji told me such a paragraph isn’t legally allowed. 

It would have definitely strengthened my trust. 

Back to rule 2. I therefore just unfollowed some of them. Some had been canceled before for actually serious stuff like internet scams or selling their fans overpriced junk. As soon as I saw a post with CODE: whateverhernameis20 I unfollowed. 

4. I created an excel list with amazing athletes, especially female ice hockey players for him to follow. As an athlete himself, he needs to be more supportive and generally show more interest in what is going on in the sports world. 

On different dates he will follow certain athletes so it doesn’t look suspicious that he randomly decides to follow a ton of them. Everything in nibbles. 

Saving his reputation is a climb not a shortcut. 

5. He attends AA meetings each week. For this rule I was given an annoyed snort from Satoru but he did not say anything after I looked daggers at him. I will drive him there and pick him up, no excuses. 

Five rules but the most important one isn’t for him. It is for myself. 

I need to try to trust him. 

Trusting someone isn’t easy, especially after everything he did to me. But I have to overcome my issues with him to make this work. 

In spite of everything, I want him to be loved by his fans again. I want the best for him.

Only when he succeeds will I be able to make peace with myself and move on. 

Every therapist would shake their head and rip out their hair at this statement but I never learned how to correctly get over things and move on. All I know are challenges and they made me move forward, so I will handle this my way. The way even Suguru thinks would suit me the best. 

Today I am late as I run down the tribune in my boots. Satoru is already training, skating sideways in zigzag lines as Mei Mei screams instructions at him. 

Stumbling down the stairs I notice Suguru, who’s intensely watching the training. With a huff I fall next to him on the bench. “Sorry, I’m late but I couldn’t find the pink stockings off the set. I hope white is fine too”, I breathe as I tie my white skates on. Suguru turns his head to the side and watches me, blinking a few times. 

As for today, we will take the first official photo of Satoru and I together. Essentially confirming our relationship. So far everything is just rumors, neither of us has confirmed anything. With this picture we will officially start the fake dating storyline.

“White’s his favorite color and it suits you, you look really pretty”, his eyes are glued to my face and he smiles. Before I have the chance to turn red, Mei Meis' scream startles me. 

“You’re late!” 

I look at her as she is now turned towards me. Apologetic, I put my hands up and Suguru snickers beside me.

“How did your ears survive her screaming all those years?”, Suguru asks me as I finish tying my skates. I put a hand behind my ear and joke: “What did you say?” 

He laughs lightly again and I am happy about his reaction. 

Standing up I stretch a bit before I go on the ice. Upon hearing no more skates scratching the ice, I look at the rink and see Satoru staring at me, which sends a shiver down my spine. 

Since the day I agreed on being his fake girlfriend I have had a hard time maintaining eye contact with him, hell, even being near him makes me unbelievably nervous. 

Worst of all, I can’t tell why. I should actually be more relaxed around him since we buried our conflict and work together now, but as soon as I feel his freaky blue eyes on me, I feel like a deer in the headlights. 

Suguru softly strokes his index finger over my hip bone. I quickly turn my head towards him.

“Hey, are you alright?”, he asks and looks at me with a frown. His glances never make me nervous. When he looks at me, it feels nice and warm. Meanwhile Satorus peeks make me feel vulnerable like he can see right through me. 

All flaws, all my thoughts, open for him to see and mock. His stare gives me a weird sense of self doubt. 

I shake the thought off. 

“Just feeling a bit fussy”, I sigh: “You know, this is all really weird.” 

“I know”, he grins: “but it will all work out, so no need to worry.” I wish I could be as much of an optimist as Suguru. He gets up too and I notice the significant height difference between us. Even with my skates on he is taller than me. Half a head shorter than Satoru, but Satorus is also freakishly tall. 

“You are going on the ice too?”, I point at  Sugurus' feet which are in skates. 

“Somebody has to take the pictures”, he responds. 

“Right”, I reply with a neutral smile but internally I am pouting and stomping my feet. 

This makes everything even harder. Playing all lovey-dovey with Satoru will be hard enough, but now having Suguru focus on all the details and probably giving pointers. 

I should have stayed in bed. 

We walk down to the rink entry. I throw the blade protectors to the side and step on the ice, gliding over it with ease. I stop next to Satoru, whose entire focus is on me. 

“Good to see you, princess. Looking like there was no pea under your mattress”, he grins and I twist my mouth in confusion. 

“The princess and the pea. Did your dad never read you fairytales?” 

He knows the answer to that, but he still likes to get a rise out of me. 

“I know the fairytale but your comment still makes no sense.”

He skates closer to me and I focus on his nose, so it at least looks like I am looking in his eyes. 

“It’s no fun explaining it.”

“No one is forcing you.”

“Well, maybe there was no pea under your mattress but you definitely stood up with the wrong foot.”

I roll my eyes and skate a bit backwards. 

“It is my way to say that you look well rested.”

“Thank you?”, I frown, unsure what well rested means. A weird compliment? A strange gag? Whatever it is, nothing about us screams boyfriend and girlfriend. 

“And you look well exhausted.”

His hair is flat on his scalp, single pieces of hair glued to his sweaty forehead. He has reddish cheeks and sweat drops travel down his neck to his covered collarbone. He breathes still a bit heavy, the hot air he puffs out turning white due to the temperature. 

I curse myself for finding him incredibly hot at this stage. 

Why does he have to look hot all the time? 

This is unnatural!

“I’ve been here since 7am while you probably had some sweet dream about me”, he grins again, well not again. He is grinning at me the entire time. 

“You mean about your sponsors. Burberry wants inclusive rights for my public outfits, making me an ambassador.”

“No need to thank me.”

“I am not thanking you, I will thank you once Dior comes through. Checked clothes do not really suit me.”

He chuckles: “Quite picky.” 

“Are you really surprised?”

“Not at all.”

I foolishly look in his eyes and feel that shiver again. Turning my head instantly, I gulp and look for Suguru. He’s talking with Mei Mei, both of them stepping on the ice as well. As they glide towards us, I feel strong arms slinging around my shoulders from behind, holding me into place so I do not slither away. Satoru places his sharp chin on my head and exhales. I’m as frozen as the ice under my feet. 

“I know women hate this more than anything, but smile. We are in love or have you forgotten?”

He is right, but how can I smile at him if I can't even look in his eyes. This is going to be a disaster. 

“You’re messing up my hair”, is all I can mutter.

He inhales and I feel his broad chest extend against my back. His body is a living heater in this cold hall. 

Warmth spreads through my entire body, especially in places I should not feel hot for him. 

“Nonsense, you look like an angel”, his chin moves from my head to my shoulder as he leans more forward, his arms still around me. 

“Have I ever told you how much your little skirts turn me on?”

My breath is stuck in my throat, even if I had something on my mind to return, I physically couldn’t.

“Well, have I?”

Why does he have to torture me? I shake my head, still unable to move much less talk. 

He huffs disappointed. “I would prefer if you used your words, but I will teach you another time.”

He instantly lets go of me and I can barely stand on my wobbly legs, only now noticing that he held me really secure. Before he skates past me towards Suguru and Mei Mei, who are only a few feet away now, he pinches my left butt cheek. 

“Now smile, we are in love, don’t forget it”, without giving me a second look, but I know he is grinning like the devil himself. 

I will kill him. 

“Are you ready?”, Mei Mei asks me. With a dry mouth and still in a state of shock I nod. 

I’m the furthest away from being ready. 

After what felt like hours, we still did not manage to take a good picture. We tried different poses, tried to fake spontaneous pictures and even left the rink to take some pictures on the tribune. I cross my arms over my chest and try to remain positive. Just one good picture and I can get away from him. 

Get a grip!

The worst thing is, Satoru is a natural talent. He looks perfect on every photo, while I look- “It looks like you just met a fan!”, Mei Mei tells me: “You know you can look at him, right?” Why does everyone have to torture me? As if this entire situation isn’t awkward and embarrassing enough. 

I sigh loudly and throw my hands up in frustration.  “I’m trying”, I mutter. I can’t even look in his eyes for a second, before turning my face away and becoming a nervous wreck. 

“Then stop with this customer-service-smile!”, Mei Mei spits back. She isn’t known for having patience. 

“I don’t know, each pose seems way too unnatural. I don’t like how the pictures turn out”, even if I had been able to look at Satoru all lovey-dovey, the pictures wouldn’t give me the vibe I want. 

“Usually you aren’t being that difficult”, she adds and I want to strangle her. 

Satoru says nothing, just leaning on the edge of the rink, waiting for instructions. He hasn’t tried anything funny, but his gaze never leaves me and I am too well aware of that. 

I shake the goosebumps off. 

“I just don’t like it…”, I mumble and Mei Meis nose flares. I can tell she is angry with my behavior. 

Before the situation can escalate, Suguru suggests: “How about we try it again tomorrow with a new approach? It has no value to try and force it now, besides Satoru has a massage appointment in thirty minutes.”

I don’t want another try, I want to get this over with, but Suguru is right, as always. Whatever block I have in my mind, it is my problem and I need to fix it. I chew on nothing and act as nonchalant as possible. 

“Okay fine, tomorrow.”, I hum and want to set off, just getting out of the rink and home. But Suguru stops me just as I am about to leave the ice. “Hey, just so you know, you did well. This”, he swirls his index finger in a circle “isn’t easy. It takes time to get used to each other.”

He is so nice. I sometimes hate him for it. 

“But Satoru and you will be a great team, I can feel it”, he cracks a crooked smile at me and I smile back.

“That’s the smile I wanted!”, Mei Mei screams over and I instantly lose it, looking back and forth between her and Suguru, whose smile turns softer. 

“I will see you tomorrow”, I step off the rink and wave good-bye to Mei Mei and ignore Satorus gaze again. 

I’m such a coward. 

With a groan I fall on the couch next to Utahime, who is eating soup and watches TV. She turns down the volume and pats my head. 

“From your reaction I guess it didn’t go well.”

I just groan more into the soft cushion of the couch.

“What happened? Do I need to kill him? You know I would do it.”

Utahime was against this entire fake relationship. She can’t stand Satoru, thinking the same things as me. He’s arrogant, self-centered and reckless. And his good looks do nothing for her. 

I wish I was immune to it too. 

“No, not he is the problem. I am!”, I flip over on my back and look up at her: “I get so uptight and irritable when I am around him. I don’t know how to explain it and it affects the photos.” 

She frowns.

“You know what this sounds like?”, then she gives me a small grin. “Stop, no, it isn’t like that at all.” And it really isn’t. 

The more I think about it, the more it is clear that everything is connected to the first day we met. Hell, we nearly had sex in my car and afterwards we wanted to blackmail each other. Not the best way to start a fake relationship, but I can’t tell her. Nobody knows about any of this and I am just glad no one asked how Satoru even got a picture of his head on my thigh. I’m a good liar but I have no tale for this one.

“So what is it then?” 

“I don’t know”, I sob in my hands. Hime just keeps on patting my hair. 

“You can always quit, right?” 

Another slight fabrication I told her, so she wouldn’t get too concerned. Contractually I’m bound to Satoru until our end date. 

“Yes, but I don’t want to”, I sigh: “I just need to get a grip.” Suguru is right, it takes time to adjust to the entire case. 

I managed tougher challenges. 

I can do it. 

“And rethink this entire photoshoot. It looked like we were high schoolers going to our first prom and my parents forced us to take pictures. Maybe we should just hire paparazzi, who take the first picture of us together on a date or whatever”, I sigh, frustrated with myself. 

She still pats my head and slurps her soup, just allowing me to let my mind figure out something on its own.

“Or maybe we should just let our PR teams make it official and never post a picture. No, that’s not good either”, I grunt some more and sit up. Instead of answering me, Hime just holds a full spoon under my nose, not saying a word. I put it in my mouth and eat. She knows me. I don’t want any advice, I just want to think out loud. 

In the end I know I will find a solution. I always do. 

And if not, I still have Suguru, who seems like the true mastermind of solutions. 

He will get me. 

I can count on him. 

I spend the rest of the day running errands and buying myself a new phone using one of  Satorus cards. 

He insisted on giving me one. Not just to buy a new phone (it was his fault I threw my old one against the wall, obviously), but also for other stuff I want. I told him I don’t want his money, which he didn’t understand. Why else would I have agreed on being his fake girlfriend?

I didn’t have the guts to tell him everything Suguru and I had discussed and my five reasons, so I told him I have my own reasoning and it actually isn’t his business. 

While I said that, I got nervous again and couldn’t look at him, crossing my arms to at least look a bit confident. 

However, as I mentioned before he can see right through me and I swear to God he stared me down without saying a single word, just to make me more nervous until I had no other choice than to grab the card out of his hand and declare defeat by accepting it. 

But this arrangement has nothing to do with money. I’m not buyable. I do this to grow as a person. 

And for a new phone (again, his fault I broke it). 

After that I will put his card away and never touch it again. I do not want to be in his debt in any kind of way. 

It is better if he owes me something, which he does. Just by me agreeing to help him, he is in my debt and I would like to keep it that way. 

If he is on the edge of messing up, I can guilt trip him. If he is even really capable of feeling guilt.

At least towards me. 

I still don’t get him. How he feels towards me is an enigma. 

Does he like me? Ha, good joke. No, why should he? All we did so far was playing with one another. He wants a fake relationship with me because I’m a goody two-shoes in the public eye, not particularly because he likes me. 

Does he hate me? Also no, I would say. I don’t hate him. If I was, I wouldn’t be able to do this and so would he. 

That’s why my guess is he accepts me but doesn’t particularly like nor dislike me. Just what I feel for him. 

Yeah, because whatever I feel automatically applies to him. 

Nevertheless what I definitely know is that I am on high alert around him and he fucking knows it and uses it against me. Again a game he plays with me. Something to keep him entertained. 

Maybe that’s what he feels towards me. He sees me as a little plaything to help him through the boring time in recovery. 

So much for trying to trust him. Not even in my own weird scenarios do I give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn’t a sadistic ass. 

Does he really need me to save his career or is it all a charade? 

I can’t get this bile of a thought out of my head. He talked too much about my father, who is the coach of his archenemy team. I have the eerie feeling it is all connected to him and Satoru is lying to me. Lying that it has nothing to do with my father. 

In the end I have to accept I’m not a special snowflake like Suguru made me seem like in our conversation. Satoru could have chosen hundreds of other girls with a similar reputation as mine without the ties to one of his archenemies. 

And again, so much for trying to trust him.

Trust takes time, especially after everything Satoru and I have been through. He probably doesn’t trust me either. 

Maybe in the long run I am in the wrong and Satoru has no interior motives, but as long as I am not a hundred percent certain, I will have my doubts. 

Keep your fake boyfriend close, but your enemy closer, and Satoru is both for me. 

After all I didn’t not hear the final whistle. The match is still on and so far we have the same score. 

I fall in my bed and set up my new phone, putting in my old sim card and working through all my notifications I got over the last few days. 

It is around 11pm when I suddenly get a text message. I was just looking through pinterest for some inspo pictures for tomorrow's photoshoot as a message pops up: Come over.

I instantly know it is Satorus number. Who else would want to talk to me? 

Suguru maybe, but he would word it differently, even better call me. 

No, I know it’s Satoru.

For a second I ask myself how he knows I have a new phone but he probably can see the debiting of his card on an app or something. 

Why?, I plainly wrote him back after a few minutes of contemplating.

I fucked up, I get back and my heart stops for a second. 

Fucked up? What? 

This could mean a thousand things. 

Satoru, what did you do?, I type faster than I have anticipated. 

We didn’t even announce our fake relationship and he already messed up! 

Fuck against all odds, I should have known a wildcard like him has no chance of bettering himself. 

I go from shocked to angry as he simply answers me: Just come over and I will explain.

He doesn’t need to repeat it another time. I am on my feet in an instant, changing into one of my training skirts and pulling my snow boots on to keep my legs warm. I’m in too much of a hassle to even think about putting tights on. I would only rip them. 

How could he manage to mess up already? 

I stomp outside and use my phone light to navigate to the resort. It is cold but my anger keeps me warm as I sprint up the stairs onto the third floor. From Utahime I already know Satoru stays in room 301 so I don’t even ask him over text as I knock softly on his door. I’m on the edge of kicking it in, however I don’t want to disturb Shoko, Suguru and Ichiji, who are staying on this floor too.  

After a few seconds Satoru opens the door and without an invitation I step in. 

“What did you do?”, I walked inside his room, leaning at a wall across his bed and twitching my right leg nervously, waiting for him to finally talk. 

But as always he takes his time, closing the door quietly and entering the room, sitting down on the edge of his bed with wide legs. His hair is damp. My guess is he must have showered a few minutes ago. He wears a compress shirt, which must have been a pain to put on after having freshly showered. 

I try to only conduct that thought. 

Not how unbelievable tight it fits around his muscles and flexes perfectly with every move he makes. Focusing on his pants doesn’t work either. 

He wears grey sweatpants. That’s all I have to say.

If I didn’t know any better, I would say he does it to get a rise out of me. Nothing but entertainment for him. 

I will not give him this victory. I cross my arms and for the first time in forever I manage to look in his eyes. 

Anger wins over nervosity. 

“I fucked up”, he just repeats what he told me over text. 

I roll my eyes. “For fucks sake, what did you do?”, I want an answer now. No more beating around the bushes. A clear answer.

“I fucked up by believing in you”, his eyes wander from my exposed thighs to my eyes, looking sharp and challenging in a way.

“Eh?”, I mutter and frown, being flabbergasted. He just leans back on his elbows and stares at me. My anger leaves and my confusion mixes with the overall nervosity I feel when I am with him. I instantly can’t keep up the eye contact and look elsewhere. My mind starts to race. I can’t think of a reason why he should not believe in me. 

I mean, yeah my doubts about him are good reasons but he doesn’t know about my inner thoughts. 

Right?

Yes, right. He is not a mindreader, even though when he looks at me in this certain way I feel like he is. 

I hate his piercing blue eyes. They freak me out so much. Of course I think he can read my mind. His type of eye color would be given to supernatural beings in movies. Beings able to read minds. 

He laughs deeply and cuts me instantly out of my thoughts. I dare to look at him again. His focus is still completely on me and I clasp my arms firmer around me to calm myself down. 

“I believed you would be able to pull this fake relationship off, but you can’t even look at me.”

He noticed. 

Of course he did.

Fuck. 

I take a deep breath and act nonchalant, giving him a skittish smile. 

“You called me over in the middle of the night to tell me that? Are you serious?”

“Yes, I am. So what’s your problem?”, he counters. 

“I have none”, I lie. 

“Lie”, he immediately fires back.

“I was just frustrated with the whole thing, like come on. The photos looked so fabricated in the worst way.” 

“Because they are”, he blurts and tilts his head to the side, analyzing me. God, I hate his glance on me. 

“Duh, Sherlock, but it shouldn’t look like it”, I huff and turn my head to the side. 

He holds himself more up from the bed and grins: “Well, and aren’t people in love supposed to be able to look at each other?” 

I have no answer for that. I’m caught in a dilemma, again. He knows exactly how to get me and he enjoys it. 

“So I will ask again, what’s your problem?”

He won’t let go of this theme until I answer him and too bad he seems to be able to read through all my lies. 

I contemplate on trying another lie or just sprint out of his room, which would probably be easier than feeding him another fabrication. 

However I can’t run away from him or lie my way through this fake relationship. 

In the end I agreed on our deal and talking openly about my struggles is hard and even embarrassing, especially in front of Satoru, but I would rather want him to see me as an emotional fool than a wimp. 

And I would be damned to be the one quitting this deal. 

Letting him win, no. 

Even when this shouldn’t be a competition, I can’t stop seeing everything between us as a spiel. Surely I need to accept the rules have changed and now we are playing as a unit and if I go against him, it will bite me in the ass as well. 

Granted, I still don’t trust him and probably never fully will, but I need to be able to communicate with him. 

“You”, I answer quickly and give him a side-eye. That’s all I can muster. 

“Me?”

“You”, I say again without a further explanation. 

“Care to elaborate”

Not really, but I have to. I lean against the wall and I am thankful for the dime light in this room. It’s just illuminated by the bedside lamp and the moonlight outside the window. 

“Just everything”, I let it slip out and finally decided to be honest: “in the matter of a few hours we went from wanting to blackmail each other to faking a relationship. We lied, argued and I threw your lunch at you. We nearly even-”, I stop but Satoru ends my sentence: “fucked.”

“Correct.”, I bite my lip: “And I could ignore all this and try my best to move on, but you keep looking at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.”

I wanted to add his teasing words and touches too, but then I would have to admit this affects me and for now telling him I have a problem with the way he looks at me is enough to confess. 

Small steps. 

“I look at you like I look at everyone else”, he sits straight on the bed and has his arms crossed too. I don’t believe him, but he’s more stubborn than me. If he doesn’t admit it on his own, he will never, even when I would call him out on his bullshit. 

If he doesn’t want to be honest, I will be dishonest too.

“Good, maybe I just have a general problem with your eyes.”

“My eyes are the problem now?”

“Yeah, your freaky blue eyes.”

He laughs deeply again and his white teeth beam in the light moonshine. 

“This is a first one. People normally find my eyes quite beautiful.”

They are. 

In a strange way. 

But I would never tell him.

His intensely colored eyes aren’t the actual problem. I know it, he knows it. It is the way he looks at me with them. It would freak me out with everyone, but his special eyes make it even harder on me. 

“Okay, got it”, he smoothly gets on his feet and walks over to a shelf. Rummaging in the dark through a section he pulls out a sweat headband. I watch him curiously as he slides it over his forehead and over his eyes.

“Problem solved.”

I start to laugh in disbelief.

“This doesn’t solve anything, Satoru. You can’t forever walk around blindfolded.”

He shakes his head and stands tall, looking in my direction. 

“Not forever, just until you are comfortable around me”, he says and for whatever reason he actually seems serious. 

“This is so stupid”, I mutter and get my full weight back on my legs, no longer leaning against the wall but my arms are still crossed and the frown never leaves my face. 

“Stupid is that my girlfriend can’t even look in my eyes without getting flustered.”

“I’m not getting flustered.”

“Sure”, he buzzes and I pucker my lips at that. 

He is right, but I would never tell him.

I hate it when he is right. Which he sadly often is. 

“Are you looking at me?”, he asks as he steps towards his bed with confidence and sits down again. Weirdly enough he is good at being blindfolded. 

“Right at your blindfold”, I answer and pronto earn a smirk from him. 

“Good girl, we are making progress.”

I snort at his comment and tap my foot on the floor. 

“What now?”, I ask and curse myself for getting a heat flush in my cheeks.

Satoru pats on the spot next to him on his bed. I do him the favor and sit down, his head immediately turning towards me as my weight dents the mattress. “Personally I would suggest that you let me fuck this issue out of your brain.”

I roll my eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, young lady.”

“How did you know?”, I look at the sweatband. It is a thick material that completely covers his eyes. No way he can see me.

“I just know you”, he grins from ear to ear. 

“Creep”, this comment even earned me a wider smile from him. 

“Yeah, your suggestion is not happening”, I quickly add before he continues his shenanigans. 

A big pout appears on his face, which gains him another eye roll from my side. For him to even suggest this out of funsies is moronic.

But what am I even expecting, he literally just blindfolded himself. 

Stupid.

Wait.

I sit next to him and look in his face without getting nervous. It works? Weirdly enough. 

God, I am pathetic. I’m really getting nervous from his stares. How did I ever win Gold medals when just his eyes make me uncomfortable? I had millions of eyes on me and it never bothered me. 

I need to get a grip. Now. 

“No, we will do something I never do when I am in bed with a woman”, he leans slightly forward into my space.

“Talk about ourselves and all this other stuff. That’s what you ladies like to do, right?”, another smirk.

“A creep and a sexist too”, this time I didn't roll my eyes. Satoru laughs heavily and lets his back fall flat onto the mattress. His arms over his head as he continues to chuckle with his shirt rolled up, exposing his lower stomach, which moves with his laughter. With all my willpower I maintain myself from looking more downwards. 

Damn, these grey sweatpants. They should be illegal. 

I would rather look into his eyes now than seeing this. This sight doesn’t just leave me nervous, it makes me think of the night in my car as I nearly said ‘fuck it’ and would have given in to him. 

Regret is a cruel thing, especially when I see how everything after that night has turned out. Nevertheless having sex with him wouldn’t have solved anything. 

Well, maybe I would be able to look into his eyes or let’s be real, I would be even more nervous around him. 

“What’s your favorite color?”, he asks out of nowhere. 

“Why?”, I ask instead. 

“We are supposed to be a couple and barely know about each other”, he extends his arm and snips with his finger against my forehead: “and hopefully knowing me will help you be more comfortable around me. We are in love after all.”

I rub the spot on my forehead he managed to brush and wonder again how he was able to do that with the blindfold on. After a while I answered him, telling him my favorite color. He tells me his too, but I already know it. Suguru mentioned it today. 

We start to talk. First about mundane things like favorite food and seasons, but we soon drift more down into past stories and our general life. Satoru lives in a penthouse on the Upper East Side, and as he told me the price for it, I nearly fainted. He has no siblings and comes from a family of real estate and financial moguls. They weren’t happy with his choice to become a professional Ice Hockey player but Satoru doesn’t care what they think. He never let them dictate his life. 

Unlike me who was put into skates the moment I learned to walk. I envy his carefree nature. The entire time we talked he was always positive, witty and completely pleased with himself, like he never regretted one thing in his life. He laughs at his own jokes before he even utters one word and he is quick with his remarks. 

He can keep up with me, which is something I appreciate in a person. Do I still think he is arrogant, self-centered and reckless? Yes, but I can see why. 

If I had his life and success I would probably behave the same way. You reap what you sow and Satoru was born to be a living victory. Our conversation made me understand him a tad more. 

After a while of talking, I lie down next to him, looking at the ceiling. 

“I’m sorry for being difficult. I thought it would be easier for me”, I confess and feel him move closer next to me. His head turns and even with the blindfold on I can feel his glare on me. Slowly he spins in my direction and opens his arms. Instead of giving him the hug he seems to ask for, I only frown. 

“Stop frowning and come here.”

How does he know?

With an annoyed sigh, he grabs my shoulder and pulls me to his chest, slinging his arms around me. I slightly yelp at his action but let him be as he starts to slide his hand up my back to my neck, gently rubbing circles with his thumb there. 

“It’s fine, don’t apologize. We are a team now, mate” 

“Mate?”, I grunt in disbelief. All that is left for him to do now is to give me a fist bump and hand me a can of beer before burping in my face.  

I can feel him smile into my hairline as he presses his lips against my forehead. Again, I let him. No protest, nothing. 

With him it is always against all odds.

“So what are we? We aren’t really dating, we sadly aren’t fucking and I bet you wouldn’t consider me your friend.”  

“We are-”, I pause for a good second and think. 

“We are something in between that.”

He groans lightly, dipping his nose in my hair. 

“Call me what you want, just not mate.”

As if he isn’t calling me princess every other sentence. 

“I like partner”, I add and gain another snort from him.

“What, are we a law firm?”, I push lightly against his chest, just now registering that we are really close as I particularly lie in his arms. 

“Okay, partner. I have one more question for you.”

“Mhm?”, I murmur, my eyes slightly closed as my hand stays flat on his pec. 

“Didn’t I tell you how much your little skirts turn me on?”, my breath hitches in my throat. 

“I-”, I start but never finish the sentence, heat glowing in my face. He leans down to hear me better. An act to make me more skittish. As if he doesn’t know exactly that I have no answer. 

“Don’t act coy, you knew exactly what you were doing when you decided to pull up in that outfit.” 

Did I? Maybe unconsciously. 

I try to press myself up, but he doesn’t let me go and crushes my body more into his chest. With a swift motion he rolls us to the side and hovers with his elbows next to my shoulders over me. His face inches away from mine, still with his blindfold on. The only reason I am able to look at him. 

“So let me ask you again, partner”, one of his arms travels down my side, stopping right at the end of my skirt. 

“Please let me fuck this issue out of your brain”, his fingers play with the hem of it, softly touching my skin. 

I don’t move, but my body isn’t frozen like it usually is when I am with him. This situation feels familiar, his fingers on my thighs feel familiar. It was like this when we were in my car. The same grip, the same warmth and the same rawness. I’m not sure if I can resist a second time. 

Thankfully my brain is smarter than my body. 

“This is a bad idea”, I whisper as his fingers move my skirt up my ass, exposing more of my skin. 

“It’s not, trust me. It will help both of us.”

I laugh breathlessly at his answer and stop his hand from moving in between my thighs. I love this fucking blindfold. It really helps to withstand him, but only if I keep looking at his face. Once I get his body in my sight, I will cave in.  

“How will it help you?”, I ask in a low tone. He doesn’t care about my hand holding his back from moving up. He slowly keeps going until he reaches the already soaked fabric of my panties. 

"Contractual I’m only allowed to fuck you”, he answers and it certainly isn’t written like this in our contract but in a way he is right. We aren’t allowed to have sexual contact with other people, but we can. 

I should have phrased it better. 

“and sex really helps with the enormous, gigantic, unbearing pain in my leg.”

What a charming idiot. 

Even in the dim light I see the feigned pout on his face and I would giggle at that if his fingers weren’t dipping slightly under my panties. Satoru doesn’t move his hand further in, he waits for my allowance. 

“Is that so?”, I roll my hips lightly, gaining a low hiss from him. 

“Yes.”, he snaps the hem of my panties against my skin, making me quiver. 

“Are you trying to guilt trip me?”, I blow into his ear, grazing his earlobe.

“Only if it works.”, he brushes his finger featherlight over my clothed pussy, securing a whiny moan from me.

“Where are the cameras? Want to film me a second time?”, I joke breathlessly, not able to tease him more.

“No cameras, just us. I’m serious.”, he presses his hand now on my abdomen, still waiting for my go. 

My go?

In a clear moment I realize what I’m just doing here and all my self-doubts come crashing down on me like an avalanche. I wriggle quickly back, but not entirely out of his hold. Hastily I shake my head and he can feel the movement. 

Something in his mimic switches. The playful pout is gone, making his face appear sharp and rough again. 

“Use your words”, he demands: “just say no and I will never try anything with you again, I promise.”

Instead of giving him a clear answer to his question I stutter: “What if you don’t like it?”

His forehead is immediately covered in wrinkles as he sits up, his hand appearing from under my skirt to now push down on my right hip. I know this expression so I continue to stammer an explanation: “We are on a good path, I don’t want to risk it by getting intimate.”

“I get that, but why should I not like it?” 

A logical question from his part, but a hard one to explain from my view. 

By being trimmed to be perfect all the time on ice, the urge to become excellent in every  other aspect of my life is present. Not only always looking put together, no, also always performing impeccably in everything I do. With that comes the weakness to care what other people think of me, as if to make sure my act is superb. Not only to the public, but also to people in my private life. I want to be considered perfect by them too. The fake relationship with Satoru wrench this well put together image I created of myself and it irks me. But I try to see it as a challenge to overcome it, not caring about what random people think of me. However this doesn’t apply to people I personally know. 

And I know Satoru. 

Knowing someone doesn’t instantly mean spending time with them. 

Heck, I am no virgin. I went to the Olympics. After the competitions are over, we celebrate with meaningless hook-ups. 

There is a reason the organizers put condoms in each room. 

But the keynote is meaningless. 

It was just one time and I have never seen them again. 

I didn’t have the need to perform in such a situation.

Do I still care that they thought I was good? Sure. 

But would I freak out if they thought I wasn’t? No.      

Because I certainly didn’t care at these moments. They were often quick and fun and over. A good time where I was able to finally let my guard down and enjoy being just me. 

I’m sure some of the guys didn’t even know in what segment I was competing, because I for sure didn’t know theres. In conclusion I never acted when it came to sex, because I only ever slept with a person one time. 

With that being said, with Satoru it would be different. We will spend time together. A lot of time. He knows me. Dismally the real me. 

I showed him my ugly side by being a competitive, stubborn bitch, who would have loved nothing more than to blackmail him out of my rink. 

The almost sex in my car was a performance. I wanted to trick him, so I performed in a way I knew he would like. I act and act and act to come across as perfect, but I can’t do this when it comes to real sex.

I never got complaints, but the self-doubt of not knowing for sure if I will be good, is eating me alive. I know I am good on ice, because I train my ass off. Every jump and figure gives objective points. I can count it and get a score, but intimacy is subjective. I don’t know what he likes or dislikes and even the thought of not knowing what he is thinking drives me nuts. Satoru is already an enigma to me, but bringing in the mystery of intimacy? 

No, thank you. 

Worse is, he is an expert in hook-ups. At least if I believe the tabloids. 

Screw that, I saw some of the conversations he had per DMs with some of his liaisons. He is an expert, unlike me. 

I can’t keep up this act with him. I am afraid I will slip and perform badly and this will ruin everything between us. 

In a god-awful form I would feel the need to be perfect for him, if we sleep together, because in my head he is perfect in this discipline. And now we are back at the core of all evil. My hatred for losing. Losing against him. 

What if I like it and I am certain I will but he doesn’t? I would never overcome this foul pain for failing. 

“I don’t know, it’s just a thought.”

When I’m with Satoru I mutate into an individual who’s unable to tell a good lie. 

And when it comes down to this theme, I can only try to lie. I would never tell him my real thoughts. Not with something that defines my character so harshly. Being perfect. 

“It’s a stupid thought”, he states and drops his knees to the ground, sitting in front of me, his upper body between my legs. 

I know it is a stupid thought, but it is still lingering in my mind, not going anywhere. 

“I promise I will love it.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I can”, no hesitation in his answer. He truly believes it and this makes me even more insecure, even if he meant it to take my worries away. 

“How?”

His huge hands are sitting on my hips, engulfing my entire frame as he looks up at me, still wearing the blindfold over his eyes. As he leans more forward his broad chest parts my legs even more. 

“Because I actually like you.”

I can only roll my eyes at that statement. 

“Yeah right, I gave you so many reasons to like me.”

He cackles and presses his cheek on the inside of my thigh, his hands pulling me closer to the edge of the bed towards him. 

“Right, you did. You are an absolute cunt”, this bastard chuckles, slightly grazing his teeth along my soft skin. I don’t dare to breathe. 

“and that’s why I like you. The beloved, little ice princess for everyone but to me you are a treacherous, filthy wench, who likes nothing more than to see her opponents slowly decay on the ground, while standing winning over them. Fuck baby, we have so much in common. So please, I’m begging you, let me fuck this insecurity out of your brain.”

My jaw is stiff and jammed together. I should yell at him for the way he described me. 

But… indeed I give it to him, he is right about me. I’m not the pure Gold medalist I portrait myself to be.

Still his words don’t make any sense. Why would any person like me for being in his words a treacherous, filthy wench. Only psychos would find this real version better than the one I show off to the public. 

Well, I called him a psycho before, maybe he really is one.

No… I think?   

Eventually after going over his words over and over again, I have no other answer to this than: “Okay.”

And that is all he needs as he pulls me forward with such a force, my back falls flat on the bed. Even with the blindfold on, he knows exactly what he is doing. In a rush and equally eager motion he yanks my panties down my legs, not even being patient enough to completely pull them off my feet, as he arranges my legs on top of his shoulder. 

With a hunger I have never experienced with another person, he leaps his mouth unto my pussy. His flat tongue moves up from the hole to my clit, making me jolt.

“This is not-”, before I can continue, he slaps me firmly against my ass, making me choke on my sentence. 

“I decide how I will fuck your insecure, wet cunt, so shut up and enjoy.” 

I do as I’m told, but I can’t keep quiet for long. I moan his name, not caring about the others on this floor. Satoru isn’t bothered by this, he lets me be as loud as I want to be. 

Holding my hips tight, he is not letting me squirm away. Torture, everything is torture with him as he draws slow but steady circles with his tongue. I just know he likes to see me wince, even now when he is physically not able to do so with his blindfold. Feeling his devilish grin appear between my folds each time I whimper, makes me feel more and more like I’m losing. I talked about the debt I don’t want him to have over me. 

Well, that is now more apparent than ever before. I will never be able to repay him for this pleasure. I’m a hundred percent convinced.

“I already love it”, he declares before filling me up with two of his digits. I grab into his oh so soft and damp hair, wanting to feel him more. His fingers move in rhythm with his tongue. In and out, slowly like he wants me to suffer. Which I do.

He finds the right spot every time his fingers are back into me. I swear to God he knows it, by the way he can feel my inside starting to clamp around his insanely long fingers.

But he mocks, even ridicules me by not letting me come to my high. I’m so embarrassingly close to begging him. 

To please just let me cum. To please just let me finally lose, so I accept it sooner that I will be in his debt forever.  

Luckily he picks up his speed once I clasp my legs around his face, resting my heels on his hard shoulders. 

“So perfect for me”, he chuffs and every little insecurities in felt before melted right away at his words.

I won’t tell him I’m close, I just want to cum without him dragging it out over and over again. 

And he will if he knows. 

Yet, I’m not good at keeping my closeness hidden as I grind absolutely feral and needy against his tongue, shifting my hips hastily up and down. Just chasing my own peak, not caring for a second what Satoru thinks, oddly enough.

But I forgot he has done this rodeo more than enough to read a woman's body. Right as I can almost taste the pinnacle of my orgasm, he stops and bites harsh on my inner thigh. I jerk up, completely out of breath and mad. 

Oh, so mad. 

Before I have the chance to throw ruthless cusses at him, he softly kisses the spot and pushes my legs off him, tossing me downright to the side. He stands up towering over my frame on the bed. 

“What are you doing?”, I ask with teary eyes in between rapid breaths.  

“Did you forget? We are a team now and for our first play I want us to cum together.”

Still I don’t know how he knows exactly where which part of my body is, but he grab my jaw harshly and snickers: “I know how fucking much you love a fair game.”

His thick thumb presses against my lips and I let it in. A mistake. He pushes it down my tongue, trying to gag me by moving it more and more down my throat. First I can handle it, sucking on it. But Satoru is never satisfied, he always seems to take it to the extreme as he holds my throat with other hand in place, lightly choking me from the outside too. I bite down on it as I can’t take it anymore, finally being able to breathe again as I gasp for air. 

“If you ever do this when my cock is in it, you will regret it.”

Spit is traveling down my chin as I look up at him. His face is turned to mine and if he didn’t have the blindfold on his agonizing eyes would look right at me. 

“Want to give it a try?”, I counter in a challenging way and instantly hate myself for it. Satoru is unpredictable and I’m not in the state to deal with his dick down my throat when he is sullen. 

After a few long, gnawing seconds he smirks at me and I allow myself to fill my lungs with air again. 

“Another time gladly”, he just announces before stepping back and gripping the rim of his pants. Satoru hasn’t even seen my naked body, but I can see the rock hard outline on the fabric. I gulp.

“But for today I have already told you my plan.”

His pants are down and he’s not wearing boxers. I knew it from the almost sex in my car that he is huge, but seeing his cock so close in front of my very sight, I whiz down the bed. Satoru notices instantly and grabs my ankle. 

“Satoru, I will die”, I share my unfiltered thoughts with him. I know confessing this will feed his ego well, but I don’t care. 

“No one has ever died”, he wipes over his mouth, which glistens with my juice and uses it to pump his colossal cock with his other hand a few times and adds with a wide grin: “so far.”

It is way longer than the average, even with both my hands I wouldn’t be able to completely cover it. The head is soft pink which sticks out against his pale skin and is already dripping precum. His girth is massive and overall slightly curved to the left. Mother nature really has her favorites and she decided to bless Satoru more than everyone I have ever encountered. 

“Not funny”, I murmur with a dry mouth as he pulls me towards him again, leaning over me. 

“I thought you like challenges.”

“I’m serious.”, and I’m being serious.

He sighs as he slowly reaches out to my face and collects the drool I choked out before. Holding out his flat palm to me, he doesn’t even need to say a word for me to know what he wants me to do. I still hesitate. 

“Never took you as a quitter”, oh, this fucking asshole. 

He knows exactly how to rile me up.

I spit in his hand, drawing a little smile out of his focused face as he coats his length with it. 

With his range I will need all the help I can get, even when my pussy is right now more wet than she ever was. 

Casually he leans on top of me, upholds his own weight with his left arm, so he doesn’t crush me as his right hand aligns the tip of his cock with my hole. I stop squirming and let him gradually insert his tip in. I whine into his shoulder, biting down on his neck as my hands claw into his back. He gasps heavily and shows mercy by giving me a few seconds to accommodate the sensation. 

The only fucking plot twist is, I never truly accommodate to it. It feels like he is splitting me open, leaving me raw and wounded. Once he starts to roll his hips, I see stars and cry into the crook of his neck.

“Psht, my angel, trust me, it will be fine”, he holds my head in his large hand, wiping a tear off my cheek: “I was made for you and you were made for me.”

I can’t even register his lovely words as all my cells are entirely focused on his dick entering me. 

He stops the movement of his hips for a second to kiss my temple, before slowly starting to move again after I adjusted myself a bit. I feel more than full, ready to break into two. He is stretching me completely out. 

After what felt like forever, he is fully tucked in. At this intensity all I’m able to do is keep my mouth open and try to breathe so I’m not fainting. He was right, he can fuck the insecurity out of me, because my brain is not able to think in this state. Every cell is targeting what Satoru is doing to me. 

Gently he takes my hand and guides it down from my chest to my abdomen, letting me palm his bulge inside of me. I can sense it twitching and pulsating inside of me. I whimper.

“See, you didn’t die”, he tries to joke. I would like to think that he does this to smoothen my angst, but he probably means it in a tantalizing way. 

“Ready?”, he asks and the rational part of me screams No! but I want to, no, I need him to move. 

“Mhm”, I weep and wrap my legs around his waist, ready to let him in even deeper. 

“Good”, he quickly purrs and I should have known that he won’t hold back. Slipping out of me, he barges into me again in a rough and provoking manner. Completely out and back completely in. My entire body feels equally nothing and everything all at once. I’m wholly at his mercy as he picks up the speed, pulling one of my legs up his chest unto his shoulder to penetrate me even further. Babbling his name and incoherent words all together, he puts his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. I sink my teeth into his palm and grab the sheets, hoping my body will get used to it, but it never does. Unable to form a thought, just getting dumbfucked for what felt like hours.

Satoru doesn’t seem to be out of breath, while I get brain fog and grasp that not even my training for the Olympics made me feel this exhausted. 

But I don’t want this to stop, it’s painfully good and he hits the right stop each time, bringing me closer and closer but I try my best to suppress the coil forming in my insides that wants to finally be released. He wants us to cum together and he’s not there yet. My hands wander from his back to his chest under his compressed shirt, that clings even more to his body now with all the sweat and heat coating it. Once I touch his chest to caress his solid muscles and he starts to groan gravely into my ear, I can’t take it any more.

“Please, I can’t ‘ake it no more”, I sob: “Allow me to cum, please.”

He only chuckles intensely at my statement, letting his lower body crush more into mine as I feel the waves of mocking laughter.

“I said together”, he is stern again, making it clear that there is no way around. Right now I want to please him more than anything in this world, so I listen and be good.  

Picking up his pace again, I notice his thrusts getting sloppier, his groans becoming lower and sharper. 

“Now, angel. For me”, and I do as he says as he dives into me one last time, painting my walls with his warm cum. My eyes roll back into my head as I come undone. After a few seconds of breathing heavily with closed eyes I open them again and see him staring at me. 

No blindfold. 

How could I ever find those eyes scary?

“So beautiful”, at first I thought I said it outloud, but these are Satorus words.  

I push his sweaty hair back and kiss him. For what we just did, this kiss feels way too innocent, but it is the ideal ending. Shyly letting my fingers linger against his jaw, he kisses me a second time with more force but still nothing compared to the dirty kisses we shared in my car. Resting his forehead against mine, he pants lightly before giving me his usual wide flirtatious smile.

“Did it work?”

I still lie under his huge body, mouth slightly open and my mind too blown to register what he wants from me. 

I just let out a confused noise, which scored me one of his lighthearted grunts. He strokes his nose alongside mine, not breaking eye contact.

“Fucking your insecurities away?”

“Obviously”, I whisper, his eyes being the only things in my field of view. He hovers himself up and glides out of me, making me miss him immediately. 

I watch him putting his pants back on as I just lie there, unable to move. For a minute I am sure he broke something in me because I can’t maneuver my limbs. 

“No need to thank me”, he discloses with a wide smirk as he pulls my panties up and my skirt down to cover me. I’m actually glad that he isn’t cleaning me up or inviting me to take a bath in his room. I will do this on my own. The kisses were already on the edge of being too romantic. Can’t risk more.

“I wasn’t planning to”, I snap back, becoming defensive again as I lift myself up, feeling the soreness in my legs and core. As I manage to stand up with wobbly legs, Satoru watches me with a fat grin. 

“Will you be able to be on the ice tomorrow for the photos?” 

I glared daggers at him for this mischievous tone. 

“I had tougher challenges.”

“I should have really filmed this, just so I could repeat the part where you sobbed because you thought my dick would kill you.”

Asshole.

I show him my middle finger and step past him, concentrating on keeping my steps steady. I walk to the door and turn one last time around, seeing him leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. 

“This was a one time thing”, I declare, but not really believing myself either once I uttered it.

“Sure”, he replies with his mouth twitching slightly upwards. I know he is holding a simper back. 

“I’m serious.”

“And I said sure.”

I roll my eyes and open the door.

“No word to anyone”, I demand and slam the door behind me way too loudly for the time of the day. 

I hush down the stairs and stroll as fast as my aching legs allow me to home. His cum is already leaking out of me as I step under the shower. I regretted not fucking him in my car and now I wish I could say the regret I felt wasn’t worth it. I should regret sleeping with him, but I don’t. 

It was as good as winning feels like, at certain times even better. 

But I was right. It has to be a one time thing. He already cracked my body open, no need for him to get closer by doing the same to my mind. 

I let him in today. Not just in me, I mean my inner thoughts. I laid my self-doubts out like an open book while he still hasn’t shown me a bit of a vulnerable side. 

He gained the lead this night, but I’m on his heels. A second time I won’t let myself be so frail and delicate in front of him.

Never again.

The next day I wake up with throbbing legs and a raw feeling in my bottom line. I swallow two ibuprofen pills and wait for them to hit, so I can at least attempt to put my stockings on. I opt for a light grey set. No skirt, a leggings this time. I won’t be able to stand his teasing today. 

I arrive at the rink on time. Suguru is talking with Shoko as I step past them on the tribune. I wave them hello and they both smile at me before falling back into their conversation. I fall heavy on a seat and begin to loosen the ties of my skates, so I can get them on. The painkillers help but everything still feels tender and bruised. Satoru is on the ice already with Mei Mei. Once he notices me, he glides over the ice towards the tribune, ignoring Mei Meis fierce instructions. With his signature smile he walks over to me. 

“Hi”, he says before looking me up and down.

“Hi”, I mumble back, able to look into his eyes. 

“No skirt?”

“No skirt.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want a certain person to enjoy himself too much.”

He snickers and takes my skates out of my hands. 

“Can you walk?”

“No, I flew here”, I roll my eyes: “Of course I can.” barely

“Feisty today”, he catches my legs and gently guides my foot into the skates. He is so enamored in his actions that he doesn’t notice me gloom over his sudden affectionate side.   

“How are you?”, I ask him to break the silence as he ties my skate. He quickly looks up at me and tilts his head like he would have never imagined me asking him such a question.

“Good, but I’m pretty sure Mei Mei is actively trying to kill me with this training”, his hair is already sticky again from all the sweat and his pale cheeks are rosy. 

God, is he beautiful. 

I shake myself in disbelief after that thought. 

“But thanks to a certain person the pain in my leg is bearable”, he grins down as he slips me on my second skate.

“So, you and the certain person are even?”

He huffs and looks up at me after tying my second skate. 

“Not at all, I still expect a ‘thank you’ card and chocolates.” 

“Idiot”, I snarl, but end up smiling. He still kneels in front of me like he did yesterday, but this time it feels lighter, better. Like we made a huge step into the right direction for our deal to work. 

“By the way, you did great yesterday, partner”, he slaps my leg a couple of times.

I give him a dirty look and complain instantly: “You are so corny, it is unbelievable.”

Before he can counter something, probably something even more corny, Suguru shouts from a few feet away: “I got the photo!”

We turn our heads confused at his direction as he walks over to us with his phone. He shows us a picture he just took from us. Satoru with his hand on my lower leg, grinning up at me and me smiling down at him. 

A real smile. Filled with affection. 

“I like it”, Satoru states, getting back on his legs. Both men are now looking at me for approval. I nod, rambling: “it’s really good”, before Mei Mei screams at Satoru to go back on the ice and Suguru tells me he will send me the picture. I just nod again, ignoring what happens around me.

“Hey, are you alright?”, Suguru asks me this question way too often and whenever he does, I am never alright. 

The way I smiled at Satoru in this picture. 

Ayo I’m fucked. 

[badaziraphaletakes]

In which some poor innocent unsuspecting reader submitted an ask and I respond by throwing an entire textbook at them

Like seriously i won’t even be upset if no one reads this PhD dissertation, like actually what is wrong with me omg

The ask:

I want to start by saying I love this account and really appreciate the rebuttals I see here to some of the messed up stuff the fandom’s spit out over the past few years. That being said, the most recent post about “the creepiest take you’ve ever seen,” was one I disagreed with strongly. It’s entirely normal to enjoy watching media where characters have breakdowns. It is not a desire to see a person breakdown. It is a desire to watch a good story.

(Edit: Just realized I somehow omitted to include the full text of the ask here. I apologize for the error! Will fix it soon. -Mod X)

My response:

Hi and thank you for your kind words! (Also idk why there is this huge gap in the text here, sorry haha!) If it were a necessary part of the story, or a part of the story that made sense, I would agree. But it’s not necessary (esp not at this point in the story) and therefore wouldn’t be “good”, if we are defining good art as being emotional truthful, which I imagine is a pretty uncontroversial definition.

Side note: We already saw him have this exact shattering breakdown in Uz. So that renders most of what I am about to say (and arguably some of what you have said) somewhat moot. But I’m going to continue anyway because some of the points brought up here touch on issues that I think bear re-visiting often.

It’s cathartic, it’s engaging, and it helps people who’ve been through the same thing see themselves reflected. For example, I like watching someone on tv hit rock bottom with their addiction because I’ve been through that, and seeing them finally realize they have to work on recovery and actually do it is motivating and empowering.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I haven’t (although I am estranged from an entire side of my family due to alcoholism and meth addiction, which is a whole fun thing), so I can’t comment on this too much.

But addiction is not the same as an ab*sive relationship. (I do have knowledge of those, both from life experience and from my previous job in ab*se research. I edited a newsletter about family violence research for several years.) Seeing a person suffering from addiction realize they want to work on recovery, and realize that the substance they are addicted to is messing up their life, can make sense. Especially if they're in a place where they're able to work on it and have the opportunity to try to change.

But seeing an ab*se survivor “realize they need to get away from their ab*ser because they’re evil and have a breakdown about it” doesn’t make sense, because being trapped in an absive situation is not about “motivation” or what they think about the abser or even, really, about "empowerment". (Side note that word is thrown a lot to delude women into thinking our capitalist system is working for us rather than oppressing us. But I digress.) It boils down to the fact that they are in danger if they leave. The situation is not within their control.

(This next part is not directed at you, but at the general readership, in case this is helpful discussion for anyone: A lot of addictions aren’t within people's control at all either. It depends very much on the drug we’re talking about, the health of the individual, the quantity and duration of the addiction, whether the person has access to the healthcare they need to be cured, and whether there’s a way for them to get free from the broader societal dysfunctions that led to them being trapped in this situation in the first place.)

Also, with addiction, people can absolutely get past that without losing their sense of self and their identity. If they go through that kind of crisis in the process of healing from addiction, I would argue that something is very wrong. (Not with them, but with the society around them). In a best-case scenario, a person suffering from addiction would have access to the kind of mental and physical healthcare and support system that lets you get free from that without a shattering breakdown or loss of sense of self.

Besides, not everyone who has an addiction has toxic beliefs about themselves or their own identity or other people, etc etc. (Babies who are born addicted come to mind, if we want to talk about the most extreme example.) So I find the idea that addiction is down to toxic beliefs about one's self very suspect. I would argue that 95% of the time, addiction happens because your life sucks. The mental health community is starting to have this conversation about depression and anxiety - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to work on one's "limiting beliefs" and "destructive thought patterns" can only do so much to help you feel better when your whole life is shit anyway. And it can actually make it WORSE if the victim is made to believe that their depression is the fault of their "Faulty thoughts" rather than a reasonable reaction to a shitty situation. Not necessarily saying we should throw CBT out the window altogether, but I am saying that mental healthcare will be a LOT more effective when it learns to truly take the broader societal context into account. I suspect, I hope, we'll soon be having a simialr conversation around addiction.)

And that’s doubly the case for ab*se survivors. They’re not stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with them that they need to fix. They’re stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with the ab*ser.

Regardless of the victim’s personal worth as an individual, regardless of whether they’re a good person or what-have-you, they don’t deserve to be ab*sed.

(I'm just waiting to hear about how some therapist tells a victim to work on their "limiting belief" that they need to stay with their ab*ser in order not to be killed, and/or tells them that fearing their ab*ser will kill them is a "cognitive distortion", and tells them to stand up to their ab*ser and/or leave, and then the ab*ser kills them. But I digress.)

And the loss of self when separating from a toxic system that’s defined your whole life is a real thing some people go through. It’s not bad consider that Aziraphale could also go through that, or to want to see that experience reflected.

I want to be very clear that I don’t have the smallest objection to people wanting to see that in a show. But a. that’s not what the person was saying, and b. they were also saying it’s necessary. IT’S NOT. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Loss of self is the worst-case scenario for how something like that goes. Nothing good comes from that. That is a side effect of ab*se (because the ab*ser’s the one who says that “Everything you are is bound up in me and you’re nothing with me"), not an integral part of the process of getting away.

Trauma is not necessary for character growth.

The way these things should go is that the person is able to gradually and mindfully work through the beliefs that are poisoning them with the help of a therapist, trusted friends, etc.

I know what I’m talking about. I worked in trauma research for over seven years. Please trust me on this one.

And again, Aziraphale can’t “separate” from them anyway. There’s nowhere he can go where they won’t find him. So his beliefs are irrelevant to his situation. And if the show implies that his beliefs “need to change” as part of the earth being set free from heaven-hell’s tyranny, or that he “needs to change” in order to be free, I will be writing a strongly-worded letter to the creators.

But more importantly, *they didn’t just say giddy.* They also said apprehensive. Perhaps they’re apprehensive because they know it could be painful to watch. Or because they don’t want to see it handled poorly.

“Giddily apprehensive” sounds an awful lot like “excited” to me. I admit it is ambiguous, though, so I’ll give you that one. I maintain that the OP expressed themselves with an exceptional lack of grace, however. And fwiw, they’d be FAR from the first person to want to see Aziraphale suffer because they are mad at him. I think I have good reason to believe that's what they're getting at here, given how many people in the poster's orbit say the same kinds of things and how many other things I've seen the OP say that are along those lines. I acknowledge I should have made that clearer in my original post.

They aren’t giving this advice (if one could call it that) to a human. They’re saying they’re excited to see a character breakdown. Character arcs like that are common and enticing for good reason.

I have yet to see a reason why I should believe that the things people say about Aziraphale are different than the things they say about people in real life.

I would point you to a couple lines down where you say yourself that we respond to characters the same way we respond to real people.

Personal growth ≠ character growth.

But what makes a good character is that they act like real people.

As an audience, character growth (even negative) is engaging.

Yes, absolutely. But we can absolutely do character growth in a way that does not spread harmful mindsets or misinformation about what ab*se and recovery from ab*se looks like. In fact, I would argue that character growth can’t happen if the writer doesn’t write the characters to behave in a way that is realistic to real life.

Characters follow the same rules, though. We respond to characters the same way we respond to real people. The same general rules of personal development and so forth apply.

The idea that “Aziraphale realizes his ab*sers are terrible” is something he needs to do for his “personal development” is highly objectionable. He doesn’t need to grow in this area. He just needs his ab*sers to leave him alone. Side note: We should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he already does think they’re terrible and only stays with them because he is terrified. Even if this hadn’t been strongly and frequently hinted at in every episode going all the way back to S1E1 - almost every scene, in fact - we should still give him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, even if we say, for the sake of argument, that Aziraphale was a terrible, awful, horrible person - I know you’re not saying that, to be clear - even then, he still wouldn’t “need to realize his ab*sers are terrible” or “have a complete breakdown” or “lose himself” in order to grow. That's not how growth works. The best growth happens when people are at peace and safe and loved. Not frightened and confused and alone. He never chose them in the first place, he never wanted to be on their side. If he were left alone, he would just spend the rest of eternity reading his books and eating Eccles cakes and snuggling with his former-demon. That’s who he really is. There’s nothing about him as a person that needs to change. I agree a story where a person loses their sense of self after escaping from an ab*sive system would be interesting to watch, but I maintain that it does not make sense for the context of this particular story. And, such a story would NEED to make clear that the person wasn’t bad or wrong for deriving some part of their sense of self from the ab*ser and that they shouldn’t have had to have a catastrophic breakdown in order to develop their own sense of self. No one should have to go through that.

It’s not the same thing as asking for personal growth from a real human being.

Good characters do not operate according to different emotional and psychological rules than we do, though. If they didn't, we wouldn’t have millions of people sobbing about how real Aziraphale and Crowley feel to them. We would be the biggest dodos in the world if we were reacting this way to paper dolls 😄

Comparing the desire to see a character go through a dramatic storyline like that (and to come out of it strong and shining) to fundamentalist rhetoric is… just total bullshit.

You said this blog has been a good place for you and I want it to continue to be that way for you. So I want to give you a chance to revisit this part and see if you can say something more constructive. Because I've gotta admit, this really made me upset and I can't let it go without saying something. It’s not cool to call someone’s commentary “bullsh*t” like this.

I heard the line “we must die to ourselves” many, many times from the high-control religion of my childhood. It is a classic cult line. Hence why so many cults have "burial and rebirth" rituals, make people change their names, etc.

I am not just making up a comparison. This is a real phenomenon. Controlling ab*sers are the ones who’ve given us this idea that “death of the self” is character growth. It’s not. Character growth happens in spite of those excruciating emotional crises, not because of them.

Growing as a person is supposed to feel good overall. Not always easy, but on the whole, it should be a positive experience.

Also - Again, they said he “needs” to do it.

And they didn’t say anything about Aziraphale “coming out strong and shining”. You added that in. I think it's wonderful that you want to see that for him (so do I) but that’s not what this person was saying

If they'd said that, I wouldn't object to it at all. But they didn't. That part was left out. Which I think may be very telling in itself.

There are a myriad of reasons someone could have that desire, including having gone through something similar themselves.

Having gone through something similar doesn’t necessarily mean it makes sense for another character. It also doesn’t mean it’s necessary. And having been through something that went a certain way does NOT mean that it happening that way makes sense for someone else.

Deconstruction from a religious upbringing is different from leaving an ab*sive relationship

Aziraphale doesn’t have religious trauma. (I’m not going to talk much about religious trauma and deconstruction here, because it’s outside the scope of this blog, largely because - as attested by no less an authority than Neil Himself - Good Omens is not about religion. But I’ll say a little bit.)

Heaven and hell are not a “religion” in his world - they’re real. His fear of hell (and of heaven) is absolutely, one hundred percent, completely legitimate and appropriate, and NOT something he should be “reasoned” out of. Saying otherwise gives “your ab*ser isn’t actually that evil and scary”. But regardless, in either scenario, that kind of traumatic personal crisis is not a necessary part of the healing process. My heart aches for all the people whose deconstruction process was emotionally shattering. But what makes it ache even more is how for so many of them, the takeaway is somehow that that kind of crisis is necessary - rather than "dear god, i hope no one else ever has to go through that kind of hideous experience to get away from their shitty religion", which surely is what the takeaway should be (assuming there even is a lesson to be learned at all from an experience like that, which is doubtful) - and they go on to demand it of other survivors and gatekeep against people who haven't gone through the exact same thing they did in the process of getting away.

How, HOW did we get to a point where so many people’s deconstruction is a fucked-up, scarring experience that we think it’s inevitable for deconstruction to be that way????? I grieve.

I know the idea of killing one’s old self is inherently wrong to many people.

It’s not about whether it’s *wrong*. If that's valid for someone and they get where they need to be - you do you. It’s about the fact that it’s painful and it’s unnecessary to the process of growth.

Furthermore, it is the kind of thing ab*sers WANT to see happen to their victims when they leave. They want victims to think that they have to have that kind of crisis if they want to leave them. Because then they’re less likely to leave. When we encourage that kind of thinking, we are playing directly into their hands.

What should happen is that the victim should be given the opportunity to realize that all along there was much more to them than their ab*ser.

I don’t personally desire to watch Aziraphale do that, especially because there are so many wonderful aspects of the Angel he’s been since the beginning

Agreed.

But fwiw, this is giving a faint whiff of perfect victim syndrome. Even if he were an asshole, he still deserves to just have his ab*sers leave him alone, not to have some kind of shattering, soul-crushing emotional breakdown. They will always, always be worse than him.

but it’s not wrong to want to see that. People do go through it, and their stories are incredibly compelling.

I don’t disagree. For me it’s rather about the place this is coming from. OP was saying it’s necessary. There’s a difference between wanting to see a show address this issue overall because it’s interesting, and demanding that a specific character go through it because you think it’s necessary, or that their process of leaving and healing won't be legitimate (or whatever word we wanna use) if it doesn't happen.

And, as you said, it doesn’t make sense for Aziraphale. If the character is an asshole, I’d be able to see it a little more (although again, I still very much question the entire idea in the first place) But he's not an asshole. I find anyone’s thinking it “makes sense” for him to be highly questionable.

I know Aziraphale is much more than a character to many people

Speaking as a (very, very, very slightly, lol) professional writer and actor - every character should be “more than a character”, if they’re well-written. They should feel real if the writer and/or actor has done their job well. I like NG's line that "If you write someone who is utterly and completely themselves, you get people coming up to you and going 'Oh my God, you wrote my life!'

a desire to watch him go through a psychological breakdown is not some poorly concealed desire to watch real people go through that.

It may or may not be. I agree that it isn't always.

In this person’s case, though, I very much did get concerning vibes. Poorly concealed. (As an ab*se survivor, you start to know the vibe of victim-blamers after awhile.)

Regardless, though, the way we respond to characters is the way we respond to people in real life. Story is a primary vehicle through which people learn how to interact with one another and their environment. If it wasn’t, discussing media along these lines would be pointless, and I'd just spend all my time talking about how good David Tennant looks in those tight pants 😁 Or, probably, I would take up a different hobby altogether.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time starting this blog if the things people say about this story and especially about Aziraphale didn’t have real-world applications (not to mention making a lot of ab*se survivors feel very unsafe in the fandom - before we turned off anonymous asks, I got an average of two messages a day from ab*se survivors and other oppressed people telling them how this blog has made them feel so much safer in the fandom) - and if their views about the characters didn’t mirror the kinds of things they’d say about people in real life. (All the anti-Aziraphale autiphobic takes come to mind.) I flatter myself I have enough judgment that those takes wouldn't have troubled me so deeply if they weren't reflective of real-world societal problems and indicative of problematic attitudes in the people who write them.

In this case, the wording is identical to the kinds of problematic things people say about real-life victims/survivors. Yes, the person may not actually consciously want (or want at all) to see real-life ab*se victims/survivors suffer. But I absolutely, one hundred per cent guarantee you that anyone saying this has some major problematic biases/assumptions that are contributing to how ab*se survivors are maligned, degraded, and oppressed in our society. (I never want to see Disabled people suffer, but if I say ableist things, I’m contributing to it whether I mean to or not. I may not want to see women suffer, I am a woman, well more or less anyway lol, and I've identified as a feminist my entire adult life, but nevertheless there have certainly been times in the past when I've said sexist things. It's something all of us will always have to be vigilant against in ourselves. I suspect at this point I'm preaching to the choir, because you do not strike me at all as a bigoted or ignorant person, but I figured I'd re-iterate all that again anyway, because screaming it through a megaphone as often as possible is what this blog is for lol. :)

And what’s worse, they are spreading that rhetoric. I’ll be damned if I’ll let it go by without saying something.

Hope this makes sense and cleared some things up.

With love and respect,

Mod X.

[agendabymooner]

colour me your colour || toto w. x ofc (6)

Summary: Tilly Marie nearly loses faith in her passion as she refuses to listen to everyone who told her to quit. Everyone but one. And it’s the man she met years ago at a racing event she didn’t want to attend. Who would have thought that her father’s partial ownership of three brands could take her to the zone of Mercedes and meet the love of her life?

Chapter summary: Toto makes it harder for her to not flirt in front of the cameras, and with the comfort that came with it, Tilly doesn’t even see the bad parts of the media. Not until the next day.

Content warning: Age-gap, mention of Kimi Raikkonen flirting, whipped!Tilly and Toto caught in 4K, touchy feely vibes, brief use of explicit language

Note: We getting that communications studies degree starting this fall 😩 omw to bag that f1 money ykwim 🙈

Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 140 FOLLOWERS?! You guys are batshit crazy and I love you all for it. I hope my cracked-out thoughts somehow made your day… or more. Here’s another chapter for our dearly beloved Toto. Enjoy xx

masterlist

vi. love on camera

   I’ve been with the sky sports people for almost three hours now. My feet are thankful for sticking to a pair of low pump heels instead of running around the paddock and garage with a five inch heel. 

And I’ve been thanking myself for dressing well enough today. It doesn’t even look like I’m here as a support for Red Bull. My linen shirt is loosely tucked in my bell-bottom jeans, two buttons are undone to allow the air to flow freely through my body. The Chanel belt hugs me so tight, I feel as if I have little to no oxygen to breathe in. A Red Bull jacket is worn over my shirt, and I left it unzipped as I feel warm. 

I had never worked on a full live set before. It was nerve wracking to say the least. But after finding out that my father practically sold me, I feel as if I have nothing to lose. Suddenly I’m worse than a pessimist. 

My sisters made sure to tell me that I’m live on television by sending filtered photos of myself. Our youngest sister is the one having the field day with the group chat. She’s been showing her friends that I’m on television. She better be thankful I love her. I never enjoyed being the topic of a discussion. I’ve heard enough from Christian, thank you.

So far, I haven’t thrown up nor fainted. That counts right? That means that my first two interviews went alright. I just have to laugh along. That’s what I did with Fernando and Kimi. They just laughed along, and flirted a little with me.

Or rather, Fernando joked and Kimi flirted; something about going for a drink? Yeah, certainly. The man doesn’t even talk much, but the Iceman definitely suggested we went for a drink (the right words were: “There’s a bar downstairs at the hotel that you may like.”) Fernando’s married and has a nearly year old baby— I would really hate to do something demoralizing.

It turns out, laughing along with their banter will bite me in the ass. Because I know my sisters will be the ones laughing at the television. 

The cameras are already recording and I can’t hear myself speaking as I introduce Lewis and Nico Rosberg to the camera as if I’m speaking to an audience. Then I remember talking about the qualifying today, asking Nico about taking the pole for tomorrow. 

My words are simply flowing out of my mouth as the interview goes on.

“Are you excited?” Few minutes passed by, I then turned to ask Lewis a question.

“For wha’?” He asks, obviously confused as he zoned out during my conversation with Nico. 

“Home race? You coming from Britain and representing the country?” I remind him before joking, “Or did you forget you’re British too?”

“I certainly did,” he realizes what I meant just about now, “but yes. I’m very excited. If the weather treats me right tomorrow, I’m confident that I’ll be able to make it to somewhere of a higher rank.”

“It’s okay, Lewis,” I chuckle, Nico rolls his eyes beside me. “You can say P1. No one’s going to be against that.” 

“You want me to get P1?” He teases me.

My face gives an incredulous expression, making him laugh. I joke, “I feel like I’ve told you this a million times now, Lewis. Do you want me to whisper it in your ears while you sleep too?” 

“God, no,” he shakes his head with a laugh, “your support is highly appreciated, Tils. I am so glad you’re here.”

“That’s why you should go for P1 tomorrow,” I nudged him, microphone still in hand. 

“Only for you, lovely,” he lips pucker up as I roll my eyes and place my flat palm against it. He murmurs against my palm, making people around us giggle. 

Nico adds, “I think you shouldn’t appreciate her support that much, mate. She still works at Red Bull.” 

Lewis finally pulls away and gives me a mocking dirty look, “Right. I knew there’s something dodgy about you.” 

“Thanks Nico, for turning my own best friend against me,” I exclaim in a cheery tone, a smile still in my face as there’s a voice incoming. There he is. 

My smile widens, I feel like I’ll have wrinkles at this early age. The space immediately shrunk when Toto stepped into the scene. He stands a few inches taller than me, interrupting his drivers’ interviews. 

“And here we have,” I introduce him to the camera and ask him about his thoughts on his drivers’ positions for tomorrow. I absentmindedly nod, looking at Lewis and Nico here and there to avoid being caught staring at the tall bloke. Have you ever seen someone so fit you’d continuously waffle on about them until he gives you the chance to snog you? This certainly isn’t me talking.

“Are you supporting Lewis tomorrow?” He asks me with a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Surely you are, right?” 

“I’m wearing a Red Bull jacket, guys,” their voices let out the heaviest laughter I have ever heard. “I’m certainly supporting Lewis, a Mercedes driver, to win tomorrow. Me, someone who’s wearing a Red Bull jacket.” 

Then, as I was chatting with the drivers, Toto pulls his sleeves up and takes off his black jacket, the three pointed star and his name embroidered. His outstretched hand holds the jacket in my direction as I pause from talking.

“What, what is this?” I ask, almost playfully. What’s he doing?

“You said you can’t support Lewis because you’re wearing a Red Bull jacket,” Toto shrugs with a cheeky smile, “you can have my Mercedes one. It’s a bit big but so is your jacket.”

“I really am jesting, Toto,” I giggle, watching him pull his hand back with a little smile. “I’ve said that I won’t be playing favourites so I will stick to my neutral place.”

Lewis reaches for the microphone and speaks over it, “She’s lying. She’ll support me regardless of what jacket she wears. Us Brits have to stick together.” 

“There you have it, folks,” I gesture at Lewis, “he’s explained it perfectly well. Us Brits have to stick together, indeed. I hope I don’t get banned from my own workplace after this— if I did, thanks Mercedes.”

“Well we told you that we’d be more than willing to take you in,” I look at Toto as he smirks, “it would be a shame for their part if they let you go.” 

“You lads flatter me so much,” I roll my eyes mockingly, grinning at the three as I say, “As I said, I’m supporting Lewis because it’s Lewis. I did not say I favour one team over the other.”

“You will, soon enough,” Nico chuckles. 

Lewis pulls me in and says, “If I win tomorrow you should do what you have to do.” 

“What do I have to do?” I ask him, wondering what he’s hinting at.

He shrugs and whispers to my ear, “Go on a date with Toto.”

I pull back and stare at him for a second. I really considered that huh. As if I hadn’t gone already.

“I have already. So don’t get too cocky, eh,” I tell him, his eyes widening as he eyes Toto for a second, my nudge tells him to stop as I dismiss the matter, “having an ego can get you places. But not P1.”

“Watch me,” Lewis grins at me. Like a piece of shit. His eyes also are asking me to tell him more about what was just revealed. I nod briefly, excited to tell him about it.

“Well,” I look at the camera, “that’s it for today. Tomorrow will be the 9th race of the 2014 FIA World Championship and we cannot wait to see how these drivers perform in such weather conditions. Best of luck to all. My name is Tilly and I hope you have a good night. Thank you once again, guys.” 

It didn’t take long until the wires on my body were taken off by Lydia, their media pen assistant. Nico and Lewis had already left. Toto waits for me until I start walking off the scene. 

We walk all the way to the motorhomes, silence shared between the two of us. 

“You left quite fast earlier,” Toto utters. This is the first time we’ve walked together since earlier this morning, and this is the first time he’s spoken to me after I’ve managed to avoid him hours after the breakfast date. I look at him. 

Then I remember walking away from the scene after arriving at the venue. Now I know what to tell him after seeing me speed walk from the sight of him and the journalists.

“Some of the reporters in there were the same people who harass me whenever I’m out and about,” I explain, not wanting to make a big deal out of it as I continue, “I didn’t want to be the centre of the attention today especially now that… yeah.” 

“With you interviewing the drivers for Sky Sports, I can assume Christian told you about Julius’ promotion?” 

I let out a heavy sigh, shutting my eyes close for a moment as I tuck my hands into the pockets. How do I not lose my shit?

“It’s something Julius needs to speak to me about,” I grimace, “if he wants me to do this then he’ll have to tell me upfront.” 

But it’s not like he’ll ever show up. I’ve never seen him since the day I was called to his office building. That was when I was told about this role that I didn’t think would be… important and big. 

“He’s a bit more involved than I thought,” I laugh humourlessly, “I don’t even know how to start with it. I don’t know how you do it.” 

“You’re just handling however much you can,” he tells me, “Christian and the others are more than happy to help you get a head start. You don’t have to get yourself involved with the engineering and strategy part.” 

“I have three degrees,” I deadpan, “three of which have nothing to do with building a car, let alone know the full terminologies. So between my father and I, I think I have less advantage in this field and he’ll most likely fail if I’m the one taking care of it.”

He pauses for a second, making me stop walking as well. My eyes are staring at his dark ones, my brows quirked at his sudden pause. 

“You are confident in front of a camera,” he starts, “I think you should be confident with how you will handle the business passed on to you, no?”

“Yeah I suppose,” I sigh, putting my head down as I keep my hands tucked into my pockets.  “I need to stop being sad.” 

But his chuckle did it for me. That and the way his heavy hand reached to mess with my hair. “Come on, let’s go.” 

“Where?” I ask him, looking up at him once more only to witness his eyes twinkling. 

“Back to the hotel because we all have a long day tomorrow,” he tells me, “that, and I do not exactly wish to have a conversation with any other people at the moment.” 

“Pshh,” I scoff with a grin, nudging him while I wag my eyebrows,  “I have heard a lot about you from Christian.” 

“Huh? Really?” He asks, his face has a mischievous smile that I’ll never mistake for someone else’s. I’ve seen him smile a lot. It’s quite a shame other people never did. He’s handsome and not many people have seen it. Too bloody blind, if they haven’t. 

Or he needs to smile more. But that’ll only scare people off.

“Yeah,” I nod, “something about you deliberately approaching him yesterday?” I raise a brow, still not letting go of my shit eating grin. I then notice the collar of his jacket and reach out to fix it as I playfully say, “Some may say that you’re interested in their acting Liaison.” 

“Hmm,” he hums as if he’s considering it, “did I not show you that earlier today at breakfast?” 

I burst into a fit of laughter as I shake my head, as if I’m telling him, “Unbelievable.”

Have I ever mentioned that this is happening around other people? People with cameras? 

And here I am whining about adding fuel to the fire. It’s quite difficult not to if the man in front of me continues on doing what he does best. Existing.