#I’m okay healthwise so far

[vivalabunbun]

Many things happened these past few months. Frustrating, stressful, yet wonderful experience. I’ve been swept up in them and wonder when I can finally settle down again.

[blu-joons]

Hi hi hi💜 How’s the health doing? I see that you’ve been extra busy updating your to-do list. Don’t overwrite yourself, okay? Me and the entire blujoonie empire are sending you awesome vibes and lots of positive love 💜

*whips out a list* Now, I wanted to send some thoughts your way, so please don’t hate me 😂💜

1. How are YOU enjoying the April challenge so far? I, personally, have been enjoying these little bits of brilliance. All of them are amazing but some faves so far: cold, angry, inspired and forgotten 💜

2. Recent imagines and reaction have been OF COURSE the toppest of notches.

Plus-size insecurities with Hongjoong where he disagrees about being different, that they’re both human and love each other *flushes pink from cuteness* IT’S THE SIMPLE THINGS YOU KNOW 🫠

Clingy drunk with Minhyuk HAH just the overall setting of the story, loved it and I can’t help it. Also stop staring I mean, let me live that life 💜

Ateez being the little spoon oh god, the fluff THE FLUFF IN THAT REACTION *sighs*🫠

Crisis talks with Bang Chan WAS SO BANGCHANESQUE PLEASE HELP. ‘What’s in the frame is broken anyways’ *me getting punched in the face by WORDS* don’t break up with me CHLOE *me getting KNOCKED OUT BY MORE WORDS* but I love it💜

Jungkook’s cranky baby. So basically here’s my math: Jungkook + babies * Bam = MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN 💜

Baby kicks with Jung Taekwoon. I don’t stan Vixx please don’t come for me but this imagine, again THE FLUFF 🫠

Fast English with BTS. That was so funny like please 😂 I can’t like I could actually see them in that scenario. Personal fave was Taehyung’s I know he’s my bias and I AM BIASED OKAY but like the sheer panic it’s like someone has opened her up and pressed fast forward *spits out water*. That reaction is comedy gold right there 😂

Obviously all the reactions and imagines are outstanding, these are just few that caught my eye. FLOWERS TO ALL WHO REQUESTED THESE BRILLIANT STORIES 💜💜💜

Okay, I’m sorry for this huge annoyance *bows* but love your work and I WILL NOT stop praising you because you deserve it and more so, Chloe 💜

-🐿

I don't even know where to start aside from just saying thank you for all your loveliness towards my blog! It's really helpful to receive your feedback and know that you've enjoyed what I've posted recently 💜

I'm really enjoying the challenge, it seems to be getting a nice reaction which is the most important thing for me! I'm recovering well too healthwise, my first negative test came back this morning 💜

[captain--sif]

Lift me up

Words: 5.5k Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley Additional Tags: minor Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, minor Eddie Diaz & Christopher Diaz, Trapped In Elevator, Elevatorstuck, Elevators, Flirting, Pining, Alternate Universe - Apartment Building, 5+1 Things, beta read by grammarly, Fluff, no angsty elevator drama, No Angst, just waiting Summary:

 They are both intently staring at the lights changing from one number to the next. Then the elevator comes to a halt and Buck assumes he’ll soon be alone. But instead of pushing away from the wall, the other man is just furrowing his brows. Then Buck realizes the door isn’t opening. His eyes flit back to the current story: Four. That’s not where any of them wanted to get off. Buck groans. “I think we’re stuck.” Buck laughs a humorless laugh. “Shit.”

Buck gets stuck in his apartment building's broken elevator with his good-looking neighbor from the sixth floor.

for @lydiabennetts whose fault it is that I wrote this fic. All the descriptions of being stuck in an elevator are based off of my own experiences. I obviously can't talk for all elevators 🤣

Read the full fic on AO3, wattpad or under the cut.

It’s late , is all Buck is thinking when he’s opening the door to his apartment building. I promised Maddie I’d be on time.

He’s cursing his boss internally.

For a second, he’s contemplating taking the stairs as he knows he’d be faster running up the stairs than waiting for the elevator. But then he’d probably have to shower and he really doesn’t have the time to do that right now.

So he trots to the elevator instead, pushing the button more than just a few times for good measure.

“I don’t think it makes the elevator come down here faster,” a male voice says and when Buck looks up there’s an amused smile curling around the lips of the man who’s coming towards him.

Buck recognizes him: About as tall as him, short brown hair, probably a few years older, decently attractive (not that Buck has been looking). He thinks he’s living a story or two below him. Buck instantly resents him for the comment.

“It doesn’t hurt either,” Buck replies and sees the other man recoil at his sour tone. It’s probably immature but Buck doesn’t care. Why should he care about what some neighbor thinks of him? All he cares about at the moment is not to get late to Maddie’s.

The elevator doors slide open and Buck pushes the button with the number eight in passing, paying his neighbor no mind. He enters just behind Buck, pressing the six. Buck’s gloating a little internally over being right. Childish, yes.

He leans back against the wall of the elevator, his neighbor doing the same on his right. There’s not much space in these city apartment elevators.

They are both intently staring at the lights changing from one number to the next. Then the elevator comes to a halt and Buck assumes he’ll soon be alone. But instead of pushing away from the wall, the other man is just furrowing his brows. Then Buck realizes the door isn’t opening. His eyes flit back to the current story: Four. That’s not where any of them wanted to get off. Buck groans.

“I think we’re stuck.”

Buck laughs a humorless laugh. “Shit.”

His neighbor steps towards the panel, presses and holds the emergency button. The tone it makes when it connects is obnoxious, but it doesn’t keep Buck’s thoughts from drifting away. He’ll be late to Maddie’s , is all he can think. Again.

“Please try putting your flat hands on the door and pushing it closed,” the person on the other side instructs them, and his neighbor steps towards the door to do as told. Buck watches but nothing happens. He sighs in frustration. Maddie will kill him.

“I’ve sent a technician your way. They’ll be at your place in around an hour to an hour and a half, depending on traffic. Is everything okay healthwise?”

His neighbor looks at Buck, who nods dumbly. He’s okay. He’s just gonna be at Maddie’s an hour late. He thumps his head against the wall behind him.

The worker disconnects and Buck’s neighbor looks at him. “Better tell that person you were rushing to that you’re late. Let me guess: Girlfriend? Parents? ”

Buck shakes his head.

“Boss?” he guesses again.

“Sister,” Buck replies and slides down to sit on the floor. The other man’s eyes follow him.

He takes out his phone, searches for Maddie’s contact and calls her.

 “You’re late because you’re stuck in the elevator?” Maddie asks him incredulously and Buck starts to relax. She’s not mad she’s… laughing at him.

“Please laugh at my misery,” he quips, which only makes her laugh more.

Shifting to a more serious tone she asks: “But you’re okay?”

Buck answers in the affirmative and then proceeds to roll his eyes when she proceeds to fuss around his well-being. His neighbor huffs a laugh at that.

“I’m hanging up now,” Buck warns her. More softly: “But I’ll come around later.”

He lowers the phone.

“How much time remains?” he asks.

His neighbor looks at his watch. “At least forty minutes.”

Buck sighs.

“You got something with you to do during that time? A book?”

Buck lifts his phone with a smirk. “The internet is right here.”

His neighbor laughs and maybe Buck doesn’t resent him anymore. He has a nice smile. Buck wouldn’t mind looking at it for a while longer.

Then he takes out his own phone. “I guess I could play some games on my phone too.”

Buck raises his eyebrows. “You don’t look like someone who plays mobile games.”

The furrowed brows from earlier are back and Buck misses his smile. “I don’t know which way to take that.”

Then he adds: “Everyone plays mobile games.”

Now it’s Buck’s turn to furrow his brows. “They do?”

His neighbor laughs again.

It’s silent for a while and Buck starts scrolling through social media. They sit in companionable silence until the voice from earlier breaks it.

“Are you still feeling well?”

They do, they assure them and they disconnect again. Another twenty to fifty minutes. Buck sighs.

The other man lowers himself to sit down on the floor next to him, putting his phone down on the ground.

“So,” he starts, “you’re gonna go to your sister after we’re out of here?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s nice that you live so close to each other.”

“Yeah, it is,” Buck agrees, “It’s nice to have her around.”

“I have two sisters myself,” his neighbor shares, “they still live in El Paso, where my parents live. I don’t see them very often.”

Buck nods. “Maddie’s only recently moved here but it’s been nice. Having family near.”

He gets a nod in reply.

Then it’s silent again.

The voice checks in with them a few more times before the elevator finally starts moving again.

“Have a nice evening with your sister,” his neighbor wishes him when he gets off on the sixth floor.

“You too,” Buck replies when the doors close.

He calls Maddie again. “The elevator’s moving. I’ll be there soon.”

   Buck’s on his way to work. He’s not running late but he also doesn’t have a whole lot of time to catch his bus. The usual.

The elevator is stopping on the sixth floor and Buck’s heart stops, thinking the elevator broke again. But then the doors open and one of his neighbors from the sixth floor is walking into the elevator. The neighbor he was actually stuck with. Buck laughs to himself.

“What’s so funny?” his neighbor asks, amusement playing around his lips. It’s the same expression that made Buck resent him initially. Buck’s come to appreciate it now.

“Ah, nothing,” Buck replies sheepishly.

“On your way to work?”

Buck nods.

“Me too.”

The doors close, and they’re moving. But not for long.

Buck looks at the lights in disbelief, then at his neighbor, who’s matching his expression. Only the scowl is new.

Buck waves at him. “You know the drill,” he says, and his neighbor gets to work on the door.

Again, nothing happens, so he presses and holds the emergency button.

The call connects and they go through all the steps again, the person on the other side reminding them that the crazy scenes they see in movies won’t happen and that they are totally safe. That the elevator can’t fall. 

A technician will be there in an hour.

“I felt safer before the reminder,” Buck comments once they disconnect.

His neighbor laughs and again, Buck is quite pleased with himself.

Then he slides off his jacket, laying it on the floor, and pushes up the sleeves of his shirt over his forearms, before sitting down on the jacket.

Buck shrugs and sits down on his side of the elevator.

His neighbor turns to him. “If this becomes a pattern it might be nice to know each other’s names. I’m Eddie.”

“Buck,” Buck replies, and “it’s not a pattern yet.”

Eddie lifts his brows.

“One’s chance,” Buck recounts, “two’s coincidence, three’s a pattern. We’re at two now.”

Eddie laughs at him, and Buck is reminded why he started liking it.

“We’re on our best way to make it a pattern though,” he points out and Buck replies with a shrug.

Eddie leans his head against the elevator wall behind him. “I’ll have to call in late to work.”

At this reminder, Buck mimics him. “Oh shit,” slips out of his mouth, “me too.”

They both get out their phones to do the calls and Buck thinks that, no matter how much it sucks to call your boss, their calls will at least pass some time. It’s better than to just sit around and do nothing.

After they finish their calls, they sit around in silence for a few minutes, fiddling with their phones and staring at the walls.

“Ah!” Buck exclaims excitedly, “I downloaded a mobile game.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow at him, questioningly. “You did?”

Sheepishly Buck ducks his head, both at his not very subtle attempt at doing conversation, as well as the confession he was about to make. “The last time we were stuck in this elevator…”

Eddie huffs a laugh at that.

“... you said everyone played them. And well, I hadn’t so far. So I did some research.”

Eddie widens his eyes incredulously. “You did research? On mobile games?”

“Shut up,” Buck laughs, ”it’s not my area of expertise.”

Eddie shakes his head.

“So I downloaded Hay Day.”

“You downloaded Hay Day.” Eddie seems to ponder over it. Then he tilts his head. “Do you like it?”

“It’s surprisingly fun,” Buck admits, “but I don’t like the long waiting times.”

“Yeah,” Eddie huffs, “that’s how they try to get your money.”

“ Right? ” Buck latches onto it. “Why make the game free if you’re gonna charge for everything anyway? Just make people pay for it up front!��

“I can’t believe people spend thousands of dollars on that.” Eddie shakes his head. “But I assume that is exactly the reason. How much does a game cost on a console? Maybe sixty dollars, possibly eighty. They can [probably] get a lot more this way.”

“Yeah. I still prefer consoles. You can keep your mobile games.”

Eddie opens his mouth as if to say something but closes it again before a word can leave it. Instead, he chuckles.

“I hope your meeting with your sister was nice the other night.”

Buck furrows his brows at that obvious change of subject but it’s not more sudden than his exclamation about mobile games earlier, so he goes along.

“It was,” he reassures Eddie, “Maddie is a big fan of wine and I’ve been getting cooking lessons, so we’ve made it a thing of proving our knowledge to each other. I’m choosing the recipe to prove I can indeed cook, and she chooses a fitting wine to prove she knows her wine.”

“Does it work?” Eddie asks and Buck shrugs.

“Most of the time.” He laughs. 

They jolt when the voice comes back through the speakers to check in with them and inform them of the technician's progress.

Buck starts laughing once they disconnect, Eddie joining in soon.

Once they calmed down, Eddie worries his lip with his teeth.

“I’m not a good cook,” he admits, “it’s one of the things my parents have always been criticizing.”

Buck shoots him a sympathetic glance, extending his legs for as far as possible in the small elevator.

“I haven’t been until recently either.” A shrug. “And if I was still talking to mine, they’d have probably bugged me about it too. But it’s been fun to learn.”

Contemplating, he tilts his head. “You say that like they criticize you a lot.” 

Eddie huffs. “Yeah. I don’t think I can do anything right in their eyes.” He shrugs. “But I don’t wanna bore you with that.”

“Oh, you aren’t,” Buck rushes. For a second, none of them speaks. “Is that why you moved so far away from them?”

“One of the reasons,” Eddie nods and Buck can’t help but nod along.

“Yeah.”

It feels shorter this time, surprising them both when the emergency worker connects to tell them the technician is there and will soon get the elevator to work again.

They get up, slowly, collecting their things, stretching their limbs. It moves, and they both exhale in relief, sharing a smile.

“Let’s not make this a pattern,” Buck says when they leave, though he has the suspicion that he doesn’t quite mean it.

Eddie laughs at that and shoots him an “I’ll see you around.” when they part ways in front of their apartment building.

    Bread, Buck thinks. Mayonnaise. Cucumber. Eggs. The elevator doors slide open and Buck goes over his grocery list another time while stepping inside and pressing the zero button. Bread. Mayonnaise. Cucumber. Eggs.

The doors close after him, then opening up again as soon as they touch the other side of the door frame.

Buck groans, stepping towards the panel again and pressing down on the “Close door” one.

It closes and Buck leans against the wall at the other end of the elevator, closing his eyes and waiting for all eight floors to pass by.

But then the door opens again and Buck really wishes he had taken the stairs today. He’s about to get out of the elevator to do so after all when he hears someone with crutches coming into the elevator and opens his eyes to see his neighbor, Eddie , coming in.

Eddie looks tense, subtly, but Buck is good at reading people and associated with the crutches he heard, he’s about to ask if Eddie’s okay.

But then he looks down and his eyes land on a small boy. His hair is longer and a lot lighter than Eddie’s but the resemblance is nevertheless unmistakable.

Before he can think better of it, he blurts out: “I didn’t know you had a son.”

Of course he didn’t. Despite being stuck together in this same elevator twice, they are still nothing more than strangers who live in the same apartment building. Neighbors who know each other’s names. Buck doesn’t know where this is coming from.

He doesn’t miss how Eddie’s jaw tenses and Buck fears he may have just ruined the tentative friendship? Acquaintanceship? That they formed during their conversations in the elevator.

“That’s Christopher,” Eddie says nevertheless, and then to the boy: “Chris, this is Buck. He lives on the eighth floor.”

“Ah, is he the one you were stuck with in here?”

“Yes,” Eddie agrees, “that’s the one.”

Buck chuckles at that. “I hope I don’t become known as the one people get stuck in elevators with.”

“You got stuck in the elevator with someone else too?” Eddie asks, his tone subdued. Buck thinks something is up with him but he doesn’t know Eddie well enough to feel confident asking about it.

“No,” Buck laughs self-consciously, “but I think I may have just jinxed it.”

As if on demand, the elevator stops moving.

Eddie’s eyes flit to the ceiling and then back to Buck. “I think you just did.”

“Are we stuck?” Christopher asks. 

“Seems like it, buddy.” Eddie is ruffling his hair and Buck’s melting because of the softness in Eddie’s voice.

Buck pushes away from the wall. “So, the usual steps.”

Eddie nods, but before he can reply, Christopher asks: “What are the usual steps?”

“May I?” Buck asks, waiting for Eddie's assent to pass the two of them and put his hands on the door. Christopher’s eyes follow him, so once he’s got his hands in place, he half-turns to look at the boy. “Now I just have to push the door closed.”

Christopher watches as Buck follows up on his words.

Buck doesn’t expect it to change anything, and in fact, it doesn’t, but Christopher’s face lights up when he asks if he can try too. So Buck makes room for him by the door and helps him push after Christopher has given his crutches to his dad to hold.

“Nothing happens,” Christopher states afterwards, disappointment evident in his voice.

“It hasn’t the last two times either. But it’s worth trying.” Buck shrugs and then looks back to Eddie, checking that he’s not overstepping. He’s happy to find a small smile playing on the other man’s lips, the tension from earlier missing in his shoulders.

Christopher motions for his crutches again and Eddie’s quickly handing them over.

When Buck’s leaning back against one of the walls again, his eyes fall on the emergency button.

“I think we should…” he starts, making Eddie follow his line of sight.

Eddie huffs a breath. “Yeah…”

Now it’s Buck who’s standing closer to the elevator panel, so it’s him who steps towards it and presses down, waiting for the call to connect.

He’s answering the usual questions: how many people are inside, if they tried closing the door, how they’re feeling. Buck thinks about how it’s starting to become a routine.

That’s when Eddie says: “I think I’m allowed to call it a pattern now.”

Buck nearly chokes on his laugh.

“No no,” he argues, “the variables have clearly changed. It’s two times I’ve been stuck in an elevator with you, and one time I’ve been stuck in an elevator with you and your son. That doesn’t make three.”

“I assume you don’t have a college degree because you clearly failed math,” Eddie quips and Buck laughs, again.

“I can’t even object to that because I did fail math in college.”

“I’m good at math,” Christopher pipes up, “I got an A on all tests this year.”

“Impressive,” Buck nods in recognition. “You like math?”

“Yes. It’s my favorite subject.”

Christopher talks about it with glee in his eyes and Eddie’s features are equally soft while listening until they contort in a way that is best described by “Oh shit” .

He fumbles for his phone while addressing Buck: “Do you have anyone you have to inform that you’ll be late?”

“Oh no,” Buck shrugs, “I’m just on my way to buy groceries.”

Eddie nods. “I’m gonna have to…” He motions to his phone.

“Yeah, sure.”

Buck and Christopher patiently wait for Eddie to talk to whoever’s on the other side of the line, describing their situation and how long it’ll probably take them.

“I’ll text you if anything changes,” he ends with. There seems to be assent from the other person because soon after they’re disconnecting.

“So,” Buck asks, “who were you supposed to meet?” He thinks of Eddie’s questions the first time they found themselves in this situation. “ Wife? ” he corrects the voice in his head with a thought to Chris.

“Ex-wife,” Eddie answers abashedly.

“Dad is bringing me to mom, so I can spend the weekend with her and grandma,” Christopher shares excitedly.

“Shannon and I divorced two years ago,” Eddie feels the need to explain, “she’s caring for her sick mother, so we decided Chris would stay with me most of the time. Makes it easier for all of us.”

Buck nods. “You seem to have a good relationship with her.”

“We’re trying,” Eddie says with a half-smile, “for Chris.”

“It’s nice,” Buck reiterates, “my sister and her ex-husband split on really bad terms. And let me tell you, that sucks. For everyone involved.”

He swallows, then adds: “So it’s really great that you’re doing the effort for him.”

It’s then that the emergency worker reconnects for the usual check-in.

Afterwards, Eddie offers his phone to Christopher to play some games.

“What are you playing?” Buck asks the boy.

“Hay Day,” Christopher replies, concentrating on the game in front of him.

Buck shoots an amused look towards Eddie who seems to have reverted to his earlier state of discomfort and avoids meeting his eye.

Weird , Buck thinks and hopes he didn’t cause it by asking Christopher about his game.

He makes another try, “Cool! I recently started playing it too.”

“Really?” Christopher looks up at him, beaming, “what’s your farm’s level?”

“Oh, I barely just started, It’s only level thirteen.”

“Mine’s level 47. Look.” Christopher turns the phone over, so Buck can look at his little digital farm.

Buck chances another glance at Eddie, now leaning back and more or less relaxed. Confusing . Buck would love to figure him out.

Conversation comes easy for the rest of their stay. A little tenseness remains in his features but other than that he’s either sharing things with Buck himself or observing Chris talking to Buck. Soon enough, they get out of the elevator, into the corridor on the ground floor. Buck gets the door and holds it open for the two of them. He sees them walking towards a car on one of the parking lots in front of the building, Chris climbing in first. Eddie turns around and looks at Buck, so Buck seizes the moment to walk up to him.

“He’s a great kid,” he says, then follows it up with, “I love kids.”

Eddie smiles. He dips his head towards his car. “I love this one.”

Buck laughs and skips away to finally get his grocery shopping done.

   “Keep the door open for me!” somebody calls out from the corridor and Buck would be lying if he said he didn’t recognize the voice. Instantly, he puts his hand in front of the sensor and, sure enough, Eddie hurries around the corner. He’s alone again and greets Buck with a smile as soon as he sees him.

“Thank you,” he pants.

“In a hurry?” Buck asks him, as the doors close behind him.

Eddie huffs. “No. I just don’t trust the elevator to come back down for me.”

Buck laughs. “Fair point.” After a contemplative dip of his head: “Probably wise, too.”

“We really need a new elevator,” Eddie sighs, “I don’t know what I’m doing with Chris if it breaks down with someone else inside and we have to take the stairs.”

It comes as a surprise to no one when the elevator comes to a halt. Buck and Eddie look at each other.

“Speak of the devil,” Buck breathes.

“I’m starting to think hell might as well actually be a broken elevator.” Eddie sighs.

Buck laughs. “Am I really that bad?”

Eddie’s eyes shoot up to his, red color flooding his cheeks. “I’d rather have met you in a different way but I do like the company.”

Then let’s meet somewhere else , Buck thinks but discards the thought as fast as it came up. He’s not even sure what he meant to offer.

Instead, he changes the topic: “Shall I try the door or do you want to?”

Eddie takes a dazed look at the door behind him before nodding in assent. “I can do it.”

Buck nods and proceeds to watch Eddie while he rolls up his shirt sleeves, puts his hands on the door and pushes it towards the opening. He leans back, expecting the elevator to stay as still as ever.

But for the first time, it actually starts moving again.

Buck nearly jumps in surprise and Eddie continues to stare blankly at the door that his hands are still touching.

Disappointment overcomes Buck and he can’t help but question where that feeling is coming from.

“We didn’t even have to call for the technician.” Eddie’s voice betrays the same feelings that Buck is feeling: confusion and a strange tint of disappointment, and Buck is relieved that he’s not the only one feeling that way.

Still, he got no time to mull that over before the elevator stops on the sixth floor. Eddie’s floor. The other man goes through the door as soon as it opens, but turns around to say goodbye.

Buck could swear Eddie is still standing in front of the elevator and looking at him when the doors are already closing. He tries not to think about it.

   “Are you sure we shouldn’t just take the stairs?” Maddie asks, eyeing the elevator warily.

Buck rolls his eyes while setting down the bags he was carrying. “Sure, if you want to carry all of this, for eight full stories , then please do.”

She sighs as Buck presses the needed button, waiting for the doors to close.

Buck hears the doors open up again after having slid halfway closed; informing him that one of his neighbors is about to step into the elevator with them.

“I don’t trust your elevator not to break down on us.”

Buck huffs. Turning around and seeing that it’s Eddie who joined them, his brows furrowed, Buck decides to reply to his sister’s statement after all. “You might be onto something.”

Buck feels her perking up at that and stepping towards the unfamiliar man.

“So you’re Eddie,” it’s not really a question, and Buck winces. Maddie, unbothered, puts down her own grocery bag and reaches out her right hand to shake his. “I’m Maddie.”

A smile breaks onto Eddie’s face as he takes it “Ah, the infamous sister.”

Maddie nods, pleased. Buck isn’t quite sure what is happening.

“Is it one of your Wine and Dine sibling evenings?” Eddie follows up.

“Yes,” Maddie points at the bag they just set down, “we just came back from the supermarket. Now it’s time to cook.”

“What are you making?”

Buck started to feel like a fifth wheel but now Eddie is unmistakably looking at him.

“Coq au vin.”

Eddie lifts his eyebrows, looking impressed. “Sounds fancy.”

Buck laughs. “We’ll see. I haven’t really tried this recipe yet.”

He means to add another joke about his amateur skills, capitalizing upon Eddie’s demeanor having shifted back to the light-hearted and relaxed state he was in the first few times they met.

He doesn’t expect Maddie to ask: “You want to join us?”

Buck’s choking on his own saliva, trying to send a death glare towards his sister without making Eddie think he dislikes the idea of spending more time with him. He doesn’t. He just doesn’t like Maddie springing this on him without any warning.

Whatever the outcome he’ll have a bone to pick with her.

Even though the color rises into Eddie’s cheek, he keeps his composure. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” he apologizes, “my son is waiting for me at home. And I wouldn’t want to impose on your family time anyway.”

Maddie nods empathetically and shrugs, “maybe next time.”

Buck is so going to kill her for this.

Of course, that’s when the elevator stops moving.

Buck just rolls his eyes while Eddie sighs in exasperation. “You spoke too soon.”

“I didn’t speak this into existence,” Buck teases, “our elevator just sucks.”

The corners of Eddie’s mouth tick up but frustration [leeches] into his smile, “Truer words were never spoken.”

Buck takes note of his sister observing them with something that can only be described as apt fascination while they go through the usual steps to alert the emergency center and get out of this elevator as soon as possible.

“You make quite the team,” she remarks when the emergency worker disconnects.

Eddie shrugs and Buck is surprised that he can recognize that the nonchalance is only pretended, “I guess that’s just a given when this has now happened the fifth time in a row.”

“And it’s always you two?”

Eddie nods and Buck knows it’s a mistake as soon as he sees Maddie’s face.

She shrugs, so faux-casual that Buck doesn’t think even a stranger could miss it, and says: “If I were you, I’d start asking myself if the universe was trying to tell me something.”

“Well, your brother ,” Eddie starts and Buck realizes in alarm that he likes this turn of events even less, “thinks it’s not really a pattern because we haven’t quite been fully stuck in here for at least three times just the two of us.”

Maddie laughs and Eddie smirks at Buck, pleased.

“Now it’s your math that’s skewed,” Buck quips back, “I’m pretty sure we reached the three times just last week.”

“Oh?” Eddie lifts his eyebrows in question, the smile still on his lips, “We didn’t even get to call the emergency call center. You don’t consider that a variable change?”

“That depends on what we define that the action is. If it’s us having to wait for a technician to free us, then yes. If it’s just the elevator breaking down while we’re inside, it’s a no.”

“You never fail to surprise me,” Eddie says and Buck doesn’t think he imagines the fondness reflected on his face and in his voice.

Before he can help himself, he’s winked at him.

Once he realizes what he’s done, he refuses to look at his sister. He can feel her smugness anyway.

“I hear you have a kid,” Maddie asks then, and Buck is happy for the change of conversation before she adds: “Buck loves kids. He’s really good with them.”

“Yeah, he met Christopher already. They have a lot in common.”

Buck gapes at him in mock-offense. “It’s Hay Day! You told me that everyone played Hay Day!”

Now it’s Eddie who winks at him and Buck doesn’t think he’ll get out of the elevator alive this time.

By the time the technician arrives, Buck’s flustered and embarrassed and more than glad to get a breathing pause from the quick succession of bantering with Eddie and teasing from his sister that he’s been subjected to for the last hour. He hopes the last part has been subtle enough for Eddie not to pick up on the full extent of it but Eddie’s attentive, so he can’t say he’s positive.

“He’s cute,” Maddie remarks as they leave the elevator, “and he definitely likes you.”

Buck tries very hard to ignore her, but she’s his sister… She knows all his weak spots.

   There’s a moving van parked in front of his apartment building when he comes home and at first, he doesn’t think anything of it. He has a lot of neighbors and he doesn’t even know most of them. It’s not uncommon for someone to move out or someone new to move in. They do it all the time.

The elevator isn’t working - to no one’s surprise - so Buck takes the stairs. He comes across quite a few people carrying boxes, some smaller, some bigger and he winces in sympathy for whoever’s moving.

When he finally arrives on the sixth floor - only two more to go- he sees that it’s Eddie directing them and his heart stops. 

As quickly as the feeling overcame him, he’s waving it away. Being stranded in their elevator together for a few times does not mean they’re friends or - anything else, really. He’s got no rights to feeling like this.

But he can’t help walking towards Eddie anyway. He figures he can at least say goodbye to him and maybe - maybe even offer his help.

His heart constricts when he sees relief washing over Eddie’s face once he sees him. 

“Buck!” he waves him over. “I hoped to catch you once more before I left.”

“You’re moving?” Buck asks and winces at how sad he sounds. You got no right to feel like this.

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes, “they refuse to repair the elevator and with Chris, it’s just - it’s not working anymore. We needed a new place with a working elevator.”

“I uh, I get that.” And Buck really does.

He pushes a smile on his face and motions to the object of their talk. “So as our good friend the elevator failed you another time, do you possibly need help carrying those boxes?”

Eddie returns his smile but shakes his head. “I wanted to talk to you about something else, actually.”

Buck thinks there’s nervousness laced into Eddie’s features but he’s so high strung himself that he doesn’t trust himself to interpret the signs correctly.

He nods, unable to speak and Eddie takes a deep breath.

“I really hope I didn’t misread things. I really liked spending time with you, even if it was just in a broken elevator.”

Buck huffs a laugh. “Yeah, we really could’ve met under better circumstances.”

“We really could’ve.”

“Point is,” Eddie continues, “I really like you. And you’re okay with Chris. And… as much as I’m looking forward to leaving this shitty elevator behind, I’m going to miss spending time with you.”

Buck nods, unable to speak, as emotions run towards his eyes. He swallows.

“Me too,” he finally manages to croak out.

“So,” and now Buck is sure he doesn’t imagine the awkwardness in Eddie’s composure, “if that is something you were interested in, I think we could go on a date. Somewhere that is not an elevator.”

“Oh God, yes,” Buck rushes out, the nerves falling off of him. Then he thinks better of it and replies a little calmer. “I’d love that.”

He starts tapping his pockets, looking for a pen but Eddie just reaches over and grabs a sharpie. Buck feels a little bad for writing his number on the side of a cardboard box but Eddie smiles at him and wipes away all his thoughts.

He does end up asking if he can help again and Eddie gives him the box with his own number on it with the words: “Make sure it’s stashed away properly.”

Buck winks at him and bounds down six flights of stairs.

Also find this fic on AO3 and wattpad.

[phati-sari]

Hey p.s! Are you getting better now healthwise? Wishing you a speedy recovery. have you seen any of sobti's interviews so far? How he seem to you as a person? I have seen some and it leaves me in awe of him. He is soft and well spoken, genuine and has warmth that does reaches to you and weirdly someone who is indifferent to his own charm.would like to know your thoughts? Have a great weekend. Take care, bye.

Hello :) :)

My health is okay I guess, it’s all the other aspects of my life that’ve blown up. 

I’ve seen quite a few of his interviews over the years :) I don’t have the same sense of awe as you do though. 

I’m acutely aware, when I watch interviews and ‘candid’ off screen bits, that we’re rarely watching the person. We’re most often watching a persona -- a personality created specifically for offscreen appearances. This is particularly true of actors. This public persona usually aligns very well with the person’s brand.

We’re all aware of these personas. Shah Rukh Khan has cultivated a brand that centers on him being, first and foremost, a family man. He and Gauri have almost always played the part of young lovers who got to know one another before the fame and have stuck by each other through thick and thin. Their household is a utopian blend of two religions. Everything they do, they do together.

The Bachchans are another example of a brand, where each member has carefully cultivated public personas.

Sobti’s brand is that of accidental fame, a man who didn’t (and to this day doesn’t) seek fame, who picks projects according to what’s interesting. He maintains that he doesn’t need to work for money, that he has the luxury of choosing projects that speak to him in some way, that he’s more concerned with supporting his friends and people he admires than promoting himself. He’s the everyman. His reluctance to cultivate a social media presence in a world where that’s the preeminent way to prove you’re relevant plays into this brand -- he never wanted the fame and now won’t play by the usual rules to keep it. It’s also in the way he dresses and ‘dances’ and speaks.

And yet, he continued to promote IPKKND years after it was relevant, chasing it as it was syndicated around the world. He signed up, not once but twice, to help Star Plus revive it (EJ and the Rewind). His relationship with the production house and his reluctance to speak out against it says more to me than anything he claims in an interview.

I’m sure he’s a very nice, personable individual. His public persona likely shares many traits with the man he really is. I find this persona pleasant, easy to watch and listen to, and very easy to like. Which is the point.

[singledarkshade]

Worth Something

Summary: Lifting a purse proves to have bigger consequences than Michael realised. Now in a world he doesn't understand he wants to trust that Miss Xavier cares for him. But no one ever has before, why would she? Author’s Note: It's Rip Week. Day 1: Friends and Family – We’re starting off the week with two things that Rip doesn’t have a lot of, or perhaps he does and he just hasn’t realised it. I chose Mary Xavier, or as Rip knows her - Mother.                                ********************************************* He was almost at the end of the street before the man noticed his purse had been lifted. Michael didn’t bother glancing back as he heard the man yell, instead he began to walk making sure he didn’t draw attention to himself. Darting around people, using his small stature to good effect he moved easily through the legs of the crowds.

Michael knew if he could reach the factory then he’d be safe, no adults could get through the tunnels the street kids used to get around, so they’d never find him.  Sliding inside he smiled to himself and walked through several of the tunnels finding a small corner to sit in where he pulled out his prize. Opening it he found a few coins along with a strange smooth white stone. Picking up the stone, Michael turned it around a few times wondering what it was and why the man had it. The stone was slightly warm, and it seemed to hum slightly.

Shrugging, he decided he could probably sell it, so Michael pocketed it along with the coins before tossing the purse away.

Heading through the tunnels, Michael slipped out the other side of the network far away from anyone who might be chasing him.

Walking along the street he saw some of the other kids, so jogged over to catch up with them. Sliding into the group, Michael cried out in shock when he was abruptly grabbed from behind.

“Let me go,” he snarled, twisting in the grip of a man who studied him. Michael recognised him as one of those men who took kids every so often, and Michael knew he did not want to be taken. They’d seen Caspian once after he’d been taken and the look in his eyes chilled Michael. Pulling his knife out his belt, Michael stabbed blindly. The ground suddenly rushed to meet him, as warm liquid covered his hand. Seeing blood gushing from the man’s chest, Michael ran.

Breathing heavily, with every breath stabbing his chest, he paused for a moment coughing hard. He shoved his knife back into his belt before beginning to run again. He could hear the police coming after him and this time it wasn’t just a lifted purse he was being chased for.

Panic filled Michael as he had no idea where he could go that would be safe. He couldn’t get back to the factory, it was on the other direction through the people chasing him. The noise coming from behind him made Michael run again. Too late he realised where he was. He had stumbled into the docks and was at the side of the river. Wobbling on the edge, a hand grabbed his shoulder yanking him back dragging him to a safer spot.

“Let me go,” he struggled against the man holding him. Reaching for his knife, a bright light filled his vision and his entire body froze.

“Skinny little rat,” a woman said from somewhere near him, “Isn’t he?”

“But cleaner than you’d expect a child living on the streets to be,” the man holding him replied thoughtfully, “Probably realised it would make him a little more invisible not to be too dirty. Smart. Let’s see how smart he is.”

Michael felt cold metal touch his forehead and, as much as he wanted to struggle against it, he couldn’t move.

“Well?” the man demanded.

The woman let out a humming sound before speaking again, “IQ is extremely high. We’ll need a proper check to measure it accurately, but he is well within the range we’re looking for. Healthwise however is not good. I’m surprised he managed to move as fast as he did, considering he’s had pneumonia and his lungs are badly scarred plus several other health issues that need to be dealt with. Not to mention it looks like he would break in a slight wind.”

“Vicious little bastard too,” the man said, holding up the two knives Michael kept hidden on him at all times, “One in the left boot and one tucked in his belt.”

The woman laughed, “It looks like we have a new recruit.”

“Your lucky day, boy,” the man said to him, “You stole from the right person and it looks like I’m not throwing you back.”

The light came again but this time Michael blacked out.

                               *********************************************

 “Okay,” Zaman Druce, Time Master and Captain of the Proditores, scanned over the list of children who had been picked up by the scouting teams, although the next one on his list he’d found after the boy had stolen the money bag with the tracker, “Subject 1138, picked up in Victorian London. IQ is well above the desired level. Health poor,” he frowned as he scanned the list, “Extremely poor.”

“The Medical Centre have advised that he will be required to stay for at least three months in order to fix all problems and get him to a healthy weight,” his assistant Kale spoke up, “The Oculus has provided some interesting information on him.”

Druce pulled up the predictions and smiled to himself, “Perfect. I knew when I saw him there was something special.”

“We will need to ensure he is raised within the correct house. Someone who can handle his more ‘feral tendencies,” Kale continued, “Or he may not grow up to be what you want.”

Druce thought on this, all those who ran the houses that raised the children were good at what they did, it was why they had been chosen for the roles but considering what he’d seen of the boy so far then a specific person would be required and he knew exactly who that was.

“We’ll place him in the Refuge,” Druce said, “Xavier deals well with problem children and he definitely falls into that category.”

Kale nodded, “I’ll let her know he’ll be joining the house in a few months.”

Musing for a moment, Druce replied, “No. Introduce her to him now. I need him to trust her and Xavier meeting him while he’s in the medical centre will help with that. Have her come in tomorrow.”

Kale nodded again, “I’ll let her know we have a special case that you feel she would be the best person to work with.”

“Flattering her ego should work,” Druce murmured.

With that they moved on to the next subject.

                                 *********************************************

 Michael felt groggy as he woke up.

Remembering what one of the older boys had taught him when he first started stealing, he took a slow breath so he wouldn’t panic, finding he could take a deeper breath than he had been able to in a long time. The next thing he noticed was the smell. It was completely wrong for the world he had always known. It smelled a bit like what the maid used to clean the house where they sometimes got food.

Forcing his eyes open Michael looked around. He was in a white room, with a door in front of him and a chair against the wall. He was in a bed, with clean white sheets and a red blanket. Michael grimaced finding he’d been changed into clothes that were all white, and his own were nowhere to be found. He jumped when the door opened, and a woman walked in. She had curly blond hair and wore a strange green outfit.

“Good,” she smiled, “You’re awake. I need to check…hey.”

She let out a cry of surprise as Michael jumped off the bed, trying to ignore how cold the floor felt on his bare feet before he scrambled past the woman towards the door where he ran into another woman. Older this time, with short light brown hair and a sharp face she looked surprised at their collision.

“Now where are you going, young man?” she asked sternly but with concern in her voice.

Stepping back so she let down her guard, Michael then darted around her and into the corridor. He had never seen a place so white and clean, pausing for a moment the call from inside the room reminded him he had to get away.

“Catch him,” the first woman snapped.

Michael saw two men in the same green outfit coming towards him. Glancing back the first woman stood with two more men appearing behind her. Taking a chance, he began to run the way he had been going, hoping he could dodge through the men but misjudged. Two of the men seized his arms, while the other two his legs. Michael struggled, fighting against them, crying out as the grips on his limbs tightened.

“Enough,” the second woman’s voice rang out, “Put him down now.”

“Ma’am….”

“Did I stutter?” the woman snapped, “I said put that child down. Gently.”

Terrified Michael huddled against the wall the moment the four men released him. They moved away and suddenly the second woman was kneeling at his side.

“It’s alright,” she soothed, stroking his hair while her other hand rested on his arm, “You’re safe I promise.”

Unable to stop shaking he continued to huddle into himself.

“Michael,” she called softly, “Look at me. Come on, little one, look at me.”

Slowly Michael raised his head, and he found himself staring into kind brown eyes.

“I will not let anything happen to you,” she promised, “Now, get up off this cold floor and I will explain to you where you are.”

Knowing he couldn’t get away from here right now, Michael slowly stood. He edged as close as he could to the kind woman, who rested her hand on his shoulder, without getting too close. Once back in the room, Michael slid back onto the bed and stared in confusion as the woman fussed over him. She plumped the pillow up behind him, finding socks for his feet and ensuring he put them on then she covered him with the blanket, adding another one after a few moments.

“Are you nice and cosy?” she asked.

Michael nodded warily.

“Good,” she gave him a warm smile, “Now, I should introduce myself, shouldn’t I?”

He simply stared at her not sure what she was going to say.

“My name is Mary Xavier,” she smiled again and squeezed his shoulder gently, “And from now on, I am going to look after you.”

 Mary studied the boy in front of her, hoping he didn’t see how angry she was with the idiot staff. For people who treated many of the children brought to be Time Masters, you would think they would know how to calm them.

“Where am I?” Michael asked, his fear and confusion plain in his voice even though she could tell he was trying to sound brave.

Taking a seat on the bed at his side, Mary took the little boy’s hand, “This is a Medical Facility…” she stopped remembering where he’d come from, “It’s where people who are sick come and are given medicine to feel better.”

“I’m not sick.”

Mary smiled at the defensive pout, gently stroking his hair again, “Not exactly but you were. And it probably made it hard to breathe a lot of the time,” seeing him reluctantly nod, Mary continued, “We have very special medicines which we gave to you so that you can breathe easier.”

“When can I leave?” he demanded.

Knowing this was a delicate moment, Mary took a quick breath, “Well, you still need more medicine so will have to stay here for a while. And afterwards you will come to my home where you will learn amazing things with the other children I look after.”

She saw interest in his eyes, but his face set in a stubborn frown.

“Why would I come with you?”

“Because you are very special, Michael,” Mary told him, “You are wonderfully smart, you see things other people don’t, in a way they can’t, and I bet you like solving puzzles.”

He gave a half-shrug making Mary smile.

“You were brought here so that your talents can be used for good things,” she continued, “To protect people in a way you never thought possible.”

“I can’t go home?” he asked.

Mary stroked his hair again, “Michael, what is there for you back home?”

He opened his mouth before he shrugged.

“You can go home if you want,” Mary told him, even though she knew the Time Masters would never allow it, “But with me then you will have a warm bed every night and a full belly every day.”

“What do I have to do?” Michael demanded warily.

Mary’s heart broke wondering how such a young child saw a world where he only got good things from someone if he did something for them. Where there was no one he could trust.

“You have to study hard, follow the house rules and do basic chores,” she told him, “The same as everyone in the house.”

The unsure expression covered the boy’s face again and Mary gently squeezed his shoulder again.

“Why don’t you get some sleep and we can talk about it again later,” she said, “You’ve still got some time before you’re well enough to be released.”

He yielded to her gentle urging to lie down again. Mary tucked him into the bed and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Do you need anything?”

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Michael whispered, looking anywhere but her eyes.

Mary nodded with a comforting smile, “I will be here, little one. I promise.”

Relief flitted over his face before he closed his eyes and cuddled into his pillows. Mary stroked the boy’s hair and gently sung to him until she was sure he was fast asleep.

Now she had to deal with the idiots working here.

                                 *********************************************

 “Good morning, Katya,” Mary greeted the nurse who was now caring for Michael.

Katya beamed, “Good morning, Mother.”

Opening her arms, Mary hugged the young woman she had raised from five years old.

“It’s good you’re here,” Katya said as they started walking, “He tried to escape last night.”

Mary frowned, “How many times is this?”

“Six,” Katya chuckled, “He’s getting more inventive. This time he stole one of the other nurses’ key cards and hid in the food trolley. Nearly made it the entrance.”

Mary smiled slightly, “He is as smart as the tests showed.”

“I think it might be time he’s told where he is,” Katya said, “He’s stronger than he was and has spent enough time in the Medical Centre with our technology. I think he can deal with the information.”

“I’ll talk with Doctor Evans,” Mary said, “But I’ll come and see our escape artist first.”

Katya laughed, “He’s still to have breakfast so I will see you there.”

Mary nodded and headed to Michael’s room. She knocked on the door and waited a moment before walking in. It was the deal she had made with him that she would never just walk into his room.

“Good morning, Michael,” Mary said, finding him sitting on the bed staring sullenly at the wall.

“Morning,” he muttered, only because Mary had given him into trouble for not answering with words the second morning she’d visited.

Ignoring the greeting, Mary placed the bag she had with her on the bed and pulled out the fresh clothes, books and games she’d brought for him today.

Michael had been in the Medical Centre for three weeks now. Mary visited him every day and, now she had ensured Katya was taking care of him, he seemed slightly less afraid. That hadn’t stopped him from trying to break out though.

“I hear that you took a small trip last night,” Mary said as she took the seat beside the bed.

Michael shrugged, “Wanted a walk.”

She frowned slightly before stroking his hair, even though he tried not to show it, Mary knew he liked the affectionate touch.

“You know that leaving here alone is not safe for you,” Mary told him, “Don’t you?”

He frowned, chin dropping defiantly.

“Michael, when I ask a question,” Mary said sternly, “You answer me.”

“I know, Miss Xavier,” he said softly.

“Look at me,” Mary ordered, pleased that two wide green eyes turned on her blinking as he tried to hold back tears, “I know that you’ve looked after yourself for a long time, Michael but you’re not alone anymore. Now, Katya is going to bring you breakfast. It is all to be eaten and no stealing anything from her. I need to speak to the doctor.”

“Will you be back?”

Leaning over, Mary kissed the top of his head, “I’ll only be a few minutes.” As she opened the door, she found Katya with Michael’s breakfast, “I’ve had a talk with him.”

Katya smiled and started extoling the virtues of the breakfast she’d brought while she took the tray over to Michael. Mary closed the door leaving them for the moment.

 Michael glanced up at Katya when she placed the tray on the table in front of him.

“Is she angry at me?” he asked quietly.

Katya sat on the bed beside him, “A little but it’s only because she worries. Leaving the Medical Centre alone is not safe, Michael.”

Picking up the bowl of oatmeal, Michael began to eat. He’d been told off for eating too fast the first morning so while Katya watched over him ate slowly.

“I don’t like it here,” Michael said suddenly.

Katya chuckled, “I know but you still need medicine. And I hope I’m not bad company.”

A small smile touched his lips at Katya’s teasing.

Catching his smile, she gently nudged his shoulder, “Okay, you finish breakfast then I will do your morning checks. Then we can look at what you’ve been brought today.”

Michael tried not to let her see how excited that made him, but he loved that he had so many books to explore. He’d taught himself how to read and was lucky that the owner of the old bookstore would let him look at books sometimes. He also helped Michael if he wasn’t sure what a word meant.

Katya had taken on that role and she would sit with him while he read or played some of the games, helping him with words and things he didn’t know or understand.

A knock came on the door and after a moment Miss Xavier walked in again. Michael grimaced for a moment before realising she didn’t look angry. Instead she was smiling.

“You need to eat up,” she told him, “And then get dressed. We’re going on a small trip.”

Fear filled him, “Where are we going?”

“The doctor has agreed that you are allowed to come with me to the Refuge for a few hours today,” Miss Xavier told him, “I can show you were you will be staying once you leave here.”

Michael wanted to like her, wanted to trust that she really cared about him, but he’d spent far too long fending for himself. Everyone he’d ever trusted before now had turned on him, leaving him in the dirt.

“Finish eating,” Katya said, “We’ll do your checks quickly then you can go see the Refuge. You know it’s where I grew up.”

Surprised he blurted out, “You did?”

Miss Xavier nodded, “Katya was much younger than you when she came to me. And I am so proud that she grew up to care for people. It’s why I asked that she look after you, Michael.”

“Eat up and you can get out of this room faster,” Katya encouraged.

With a slight grimace Michael began to eat again, deciding he could use this trip to find a way to get away from this place.

Even if he did quite like Miss Xavier.

 Mary fixed the collar of Michael’s jacket before satisfied that he was presentable.

“Alright, Michael,” she said gently, “I want you to stay close to me. Once we leave the building there will be a lot of people around and I don’t want you getting lost.”

She saw a small glint appear in his eyes at that, grateful that she had placed a tracker in his shoes. It wasn’t something she would usually approve of but the little boy walking at her side had already shown a tendency to try to run away. Considering where he was from, and that the world he was about to step into was completely outside his sphere of knowledge, Mary wanted to ensure he was safe.

They reached the entrance hall to the Medical Centre and Mary felt Michael edge closer to her at all the strange people milling around. She held out her hand to him.

“Just until we get outside?” Mary suggested.

Hesitantly he slid his small hand into hers and Mary squeezed comfortingly. As they walked out of the building, she had to admit she wasn’t ready for his reaction.

Michael stalled as they entered the space port, there were several small ships moving around the docked vessels, and he stared at them wide-eyed for several seconds. Screaming suddenly, he pulled away throwing himself against building and curling into a ball.

“Michael,” Mary crouched beside him, “It’s okay.”

“Monsters,” Michael cried, “Flying monsters.”

Mary smiled comfortingly, “They’re not monsters. You’ve seen ships on the river, haven’t you?”

He nodded.

“That’s all they are,” she soothed, “Just ships but instead of the river they sail through the sky.”

Michael chewed his lip for a moment before asking, “How?”

“That is a longer conversation than we should have here,” Mary laughed softly, “But it’s how we’re getting to the Refuge so you can see for yourself.”

Taking his hand, Mary managed to coax the little boy off the floor and wrapped her arm around his shoulders leading him to the small ship.

 Michael couldn’t stop shaking as he looked around the strange place he was in. London was big but he knew it. This world with ships that could fly was so incredible and he held onto Miss Xavier tightly.

“Just in here,” Miss Xavier said gently as he hesitated when they reached the ship that would take them to what she called the Refuge.

Slowly he stepped inside, staring around but didn’t get a chance to look at much as Miss Xavier drew him to a chair. He sat and watched her fasten the strange belts around him before she took a seat at his side. The jerk of the entire room and the sudden strange noises made him jump.

“You can hold my hand again if you want,” she said offering it to him.

Michael grabbed her hand, not caring at that moment that he was trying not to like her too much. The trip didn’t take long, and Michael allowed Miss Xavier to unbuckle him making sure he paid attention to what she did.

“Come on,” she held out her hand, “We don’t have all day.”

Taking it Michael watched the doors opened and stared in amazement.

“Are we in a park?” he asked as Miss Xavier moved him forward.

She laughed, “No. This is part of the Refuge. Come on, the house is just along the path.”

Michael couldn’t stop his head spinning from side to side as he looked around a world he had never imagined. He would go to the park every now and then, but it never looked as green as this. It had never smelled as nice as this did either.

There were children everywhere, many of them waved and called hello to Miss Xavier all of them calling her ‘Mother.’

But no one came near them.

 Mary was relieved her older children were keeping the younger ones in check and leaving her alone with Michael. She loved all her children but any time a new resident joined them Mary tried to have at least half a day alone with them to get the child acquainted with the house and with her. It also let them settle in a little.

Michael was a different case and Mary wanted to let him get to know what was going to be his new home a little more slowly. Let him ease into it.

The boy’s eyes were wide as he stared at everything, getting wider as they entered the house. Leading him into the kitchen Mary sat him down with some milk and a cookie.

“What do you think of my house?” she asked sitting across from him with a cup of tea.

“S’nice,” Michael gave a half shrug.

Forcing herself not to smile too much, Mary took a sip of tea, “Well, normally when someone joins the house. I would let them spend some time in the gardens and exploring the grounds maybe even going for a swim. But the doctor has told me that you’re not ready to be running around yet.”

Michael stared at her, waiting for whatever she was going to say.

“I thought we could bake some cakes for everyone,” Mary smiled at him, “You can take some back with you to the Medical Centre.”

He gave one of his small shrugs that Mary had become used to seeing in the past few weeks. The ones that he used to try and keep that invisible wall between them. Mary of course was intent on breaking through that and one day he would hug her first.

Finishing her tea, Mary started to pull out everything she needed to make cakes and set them out on the counter. Finally, she found the stepping stool she had to allow Michael to reach the counter.

“Alright,” she motioned him to join her and handed him the apron, “Put that on and we’ll start.”

Michael looked at her confused making her laugh.

“It’s so your clothes don’t get too dirty,” Mary told him, as she fixed the apron on him before patting his cheek, “So, how about we make chocolate cake first?”

 Michael remembered watching the bakers making cakes some mornings, and how amazing the street would smell outside as they did. He tried not to be but was fascinated as he watched Miss Xavier measure out everything.

“Alright,” she handed him the bowl and a wooden spoon, “Time to start mixing.”

“What?”

She chuckled, “Did you think you weren’t going to do any work here? Mix that while I start on the cookies.”

Taking the spoon, Michael started trying to mix the ingredients around grunting that it wasn’t moving easily.

“Just keep going,” Miss Xavier told him, “You will find that things that are hard to do are almost always worth it.”

Grimacing at her, Michael tried to mix it a little more sighing as it still wasn’t working.

“You know,” Miss Xavier said softly, “If it’s too hard for you…”

“No,” Michael said quickly not wanting her to think he was weak, “I can do it.”

Turning back to the bowl, he started mixing the ingredients again with determination. Surprised when suddenly it started to get easier to mix and became smooth.

“Well done,” Miss Xavier smiled taking the bowl back, “You’re a natural at this.”

Pride filled him and he gave her a small smile back. Miss Xavier poured the mixture into a big tin before she put it in the oven.

“Now for the fun bit,” she told him, “You’re going to take a bit of the dough I’ve just made, roll it into a ball in your hand and then flatten it on the tray. Okay?”

Michael slowly followed her as she took a bit of the dough, rolling it into a ball. Placing it on the tray as instructed he paused and looked at her.

“Like this,” she said and squashed the ball she’d made until it was a circle.

Michael smiled as he pushed the ball down, it took several tries but soon he’d managed to get it flat enough.

“Well done,” Miss Xavier chuckled, “Now, let’s keep going and get these in the oven too.”

It took them some time to get them all done but finally they had two trays and slid them into the oven with the cake.

 Mary turned back to Michael after they made a few more cakes seeing him trying to stifle a yawn, she’d been told he would tire easily.

“Come on,” she told the boy, “I have something else to show you.”

Michael followed her out the kitchen, and she gently rested her arm around his shoulders guiding him up the stairs. She led him to the room that would be his when he joined them and opened the door.

Michael looked inside before looking up at her suspiciously, “Who sleeps here?”

“Well,” she said softly, “This will be your room when you move here.”

“Just me?”

Mary nodded, “Of course, everyone has their own room in the house. Which I expect to be kept clean at all times.”

A confused frown touched his face as he looked around suspiciously.

“I thought you’d like this room. It has a good view,” Mary told him before she added, “And it used to be Katya’s room.”

She smiled at the interested look that information sparked, which meant he didn’t resist as she moved him inside and to the window.

“Here, you can see lake,” Mary pointed it out, “And a lot of the gardens.”

Michael stood and looked out the window before looking around the room. The entire room had been cleaned and repainted freshly ready for a new occupant as its former one was now at the Academy. All it had was a bed, which Mary had ensured was made, a desk with a chair, a bookshelf and a wardrobe.

“Why don’t you lie down for a while?” Mary suggested, touching his shoulder again.

“M’fine,” Michael muttered fighting against a yawn.

Mary smiled and gently stroked his hair back from his face, “I know you’re fine, but the doctor will give me a row if they think I didn’t let you rest.”

“I don’t want you to get into trouble,” Michael murmured, “I could lie down for a little while.”

“Take your shoes off,” Mary told him, “And get under the covers so you don’t get cold.”

With only the slightest of grumbles, Michael climbed into the bed and allowed her to cover him.

“I’ll be down in the kitchen once you’ve had your rest,” Mary said, gently stroking the boy’s hair again watching his eyes close. Once she was sure Michael was fast asleep, Mary gently kissed his forehead, “Sleep well, little one. You’re safe here.”

His only response was to snuggle deeper into his pillow as Mary left him to sleep.

 Michael looked around the street, he could hear footsteps but didn’t know where they were coming from. Starting to walk he heard them follow him. Michael began to run, trying to get away from the person following him, he knew they wanted to hurt him.

No matter where he ran, the person followed. Michael began to panic as the streets he knew well became a maze, with things in the wrong place.

Suddenly he saw the factory, where he could get into places no adult could and would be safe. Just as he reached the entrance, a hand grabbed his shoulder yanking him back.

“Got you now,” a voice growled.

Michael screamed, struggling to get away he was dragged further and further away into the darkness as his captor laughed.

“Michael,” a soft voice called, and he was wrapped in a tight embrace and rocked. Confused he tried to get away until the gentle voice managed to penetrate the nightmare, “You’re safe, little one.”

“Miss…Miss…” he gulped in several breaths.

“It’s alright, little one,” she continued to rock him, “I’m here and you’re safe. You’re safe here I promise.”

Caught up in how wonderful it felt to be hugged, and how safe he felt, Michael forgot to pull away and sank into the warmth of her embrace.

“That’s my boy,” Miss Xavier murmured, stroking his hair as she rocked him, “I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

 Mary had been worried when she heard the scream from Michael’s room and rushed in to find him thrashing about, fighting with something in his sleep. Thankfully, when he realised where he was Michael allowed her to comfort him.

While she hugged the little boy, Mary wondered how long it had been since this child had been held in a comforting embrace. After several minutes, Michael suddenly remembered he wasn’t supposed to be getting close to her.

“Why don’t you wash your face,” Mary suggested when he pulled away, “And meet me downstairs. Our cakes and cookies are ready for us to decorate them.”

Leaving him in the room, Mary smiled because even for a few moments she’d managed to get him to let down his defences. However, she didn’t like that he was having nightmares and worried they weren’t being dealt with at the centre, she would check that when she took him back.

Once she reached the kitchen Mary pulled out the supplies for decorating and set them up on the table. A few minutes later Michael appeared at the door looking pale and uncertain.

“Come on,” Mary motioned him to the table, “We don’t have long before you have to get back, so we need to ice the cake and cookies we made.”

The little boy joined her, and Mary put him to work with the icing pens. Stepping back, Mary watched him as he concentrated on decorating the cookie in front of him. She still had a lot of work to do before he would learn to trust her.

But today had been a good start.

                                 *********************************************

 Michael sat on the bed in the room in the Medical Centre thinking about his trip to Miss Xavier’s house, the one they told him he was going to stay in when he left here. It had been so completely different than anywhere he’d ever been and, despite himself, he had liked it.

He didn’t want to, but he was beginning to like Miss Xavier. She was kind and seemed genuinely to care about him, but he didn’t understand why she would. No one else ever did.

He had no memories of his mother and a very vague one of a man he assumed was his father walking away. A knock on the door made him turn and Michael forced himself not to smile when Miss Xavier stood there.

“Good afternoon, Michael,” she said as she walked over to his side, her hand coming up to gently brush his hair, “How are you today?”

“Okay,” he replied softly, “How are you?”

She gave him a smile, “I’m very well. Now, I brought you a new book to read but you’re also going to have a visitor.”

Michael wanted to ask but didn’t want her to know he was interested, thankfully Miss Xavier wasn’t expecting anything from him.

“Now, I will be here with you the entire time,” she continued, “So if you want him to leave you tell me. Alright?”

Worry filled him, “Why would I want him to leave?”

Miss Xavier took his hand, “He is coming to explain why you were brought here and I know that it will be a great deal of information that might be a little overwhelming.”

Looking down at their hands for a moment, Michael nodded.

“Okay then,” she placed a kiss on the top of his head before she let go of his hand and moved to the door. Michael watched as she spoke to someone just outside. All he could make out was the person was tall and felt relieved that Miss Xavier was staying.

“Michael,” she stepped back into the room, followed by a man who towered over her and looked slightly familiar, “This is Zaman Druce.”

Staring at the tall man, Michael finally said, “I know you.”

Druce nodded, “I was the one who caught you before you fell off the docks.”

“Oh,” Michael said, frowning slightly as a memory tried to catch his attention but it disappeared suddenly, “Thanks.” He paused for a moment before asking, “Why are you here?”

Druce nodded slightly before he said, “I’m going to talk to you about why I brought you here and didn’t leave you back in London.”

Michael turned to Miss Xavier who sat on the bed at his side. Nervously he slid his hand under hers.

“It’s alright, Michael,” she said softly, taking hold of his hand, “I’m right here.”

Assured she had a hold of him, he turned back to Druce, “Why did you?”

“You are very special, Michael,” Druce stated, “Despite where you were living, your intelligence is exceedingly high. Now you’re here then you will be trained to use that in ways you never thought possible.”

“What he means,” Miss Xavier took over, “Is that he brought you here so that you can use your gifts to help people.”

“Thank you, Miss Xavier,” Druce frowned before he continued, “We are called Time Masters and we are charged with a solemn duty of policing the timeline to ensure it remains safe from all threats.”

Miss Xavier patted Michael’s hand, “We’ll be right back,” she said before motioning Druce outside. The door didn’t close properly, and Michael moved closer to listen in.

“He is a child,” Miss Xavier snapped, “A very scared and confused child who has had his entire world changed recently. Try to remember that while you talk to him.”

“I am aware of his age,” Druce replied, “But he is also in the top five percent…”

“I know,” Miss Xavier cut him off, “I know exactly how intelligent that boy is. He is brilliant, and he will do incredible things once he has been trained. But for now, he is ten years old and from Victorian London. Gauge your information to what he understands here and now.” She paused for a moment before adding, “I assume you are intending to sponsor him.”

“That is why I came.”

“Then treat him as a mentor,” Miss Xavier told him sharply, “He is not a cadet being given a lecture. Talk to him, not at him.”

 Mary took a quick breath before she turned back to the room seeing Michael scramble back to sit against the pillows. She gave him a comforting smile as she took her seat at his side again. Offering her hand to him, happy when he took it.

“Michael,” Druce said as he entered the room again, “I brought you here so that you can learn amazing things, and to let you help people in a way you never would have been able to before.”

Mary watched the flicker of interest in the boy’s eyes.

“Once you’re deemed to be healthy,” Druce continued, “Then Miss Xavier will take you to the Refuge, I believe you’ve already seen it.”

Michael nodded slightly.

“After you’re settled,” Druce continued, “Then I will show you the Time Master Academy and precisely why you were chosen to become one of us.”

Mary watched Michael closely as he processed this, relieved when he simply nodded again.

“Time Master Druce has to return to work now,” Mary said, dismissing him, “But he will visit you again.”

Druce frowned at her before he smiled slightly at the little boy, “Behave for Miss Xavier and I will see you soon, Michael.”

With that said he left the room. Mary rolled her eyes slightly at him. Turning back to the boy sitting on the bed she gave him a warm smile.

“What’s wrong?” she asked softly at Michael’s puzzled face.

“Is it true?”

“What?”

He bit his lip for a moment, “That I can help people? That I will be something good.” He paused for a moment before reciting, “That I’m not just a piece of street trash and no one will ever care if I live or die.”

“Oh, Michael,” Mary cupped his cheek making him look at her, “You are not trash and you are going to make a huge difference in this world. You will help people more than anyone will ever know. You will do magnificent things.”

Surprised that he was letting her see him this vulnerable, Mary wrapped Michael in her arms and held him.

                                 *********************************************

 “Today is the day,” Katya said as she walked in the room where Michael was trying to work out how to pack all the things he had into the small bag, “You’re leaving me.”

Michael shrugged slightly, “You can come visit.”

“You know that sounds like a good idea, especially since I hear you’re getting my old room,” Katya chuckled.

Before he could answer the knock came on the door letting them know that Miss Xavier had arrived.

“Good morning, Michael,” she gave him a warm smile, “Katya.”

“Hello, Mother,” Katya hugged her, before stepping back, “I will leave you to finish packing and see you before you leave, Michael.”

As Katya left, Miss Xavier stepped over to the bed and shook her head, “This is not very well done, is it? How about we repack and then we can go.”

Michael stood and watched as she unpacked everything before repacking the case perfectly, he gave a slight frown and Miss Xavier patted his cheek.

“I’ll teach you another time how to pack properly,” she told him, picking up the jacket from the bed and handing it to him.

Sliding it on, he took the small bag walking out the room for the last time.

Reaching the reception, he saw Katya standing waiting for them. She crouched and pulled him into her arms. Michael froze for a second before he relaxed into the hug. Katya had been so good to him for the past few months, looked after him, read with him and made him laugh.

“Okay,” Katya said as she pulled back, “I need you to promise me that you will listen to Mother…Miss Xavier. She is going to make rules that you might not like but they are for your safety.”

He nodded before asking quietly, “Will you visit?”

Katya smiled, “Of course I will. Give me another hug.”

 Mary watched Michael hug Katya, happy to see that she had made such a positive impression on the little boy.

“It’s time to go to the transport, Michael,” Mary spoke up.

Katya gave Michael another quick squeeze. Letting him go she smiled, “I’ll see you both soon.”

She watched the little boy take a deep breath when they reached the exit, obviously still nervous about the world outside the centre.

“You can take it,” Mary offered her hand, “If you want. I won’t tell anyone.”

Michael didn’t look at her but took her hand, allowing her to lead him to the transport. She was relieved that she wouldn’t have to come back here to see him. Although it was slightly easier now to get him onboard since they’d made the trip a few times, Michael was still nervous, and Mary could feel him squeezing her hand tightly.

They reached the Refuge and Mary led her new charge to the house. Now he’d been here a few times he knew where everything was and instantly started upstairs to his room.

“Alright,” Mary said as they stepped into the room and she placed a bag on the bed, “Now that you’re here permanently, it’s time we go over the rules.”

She instantly saw a spark of rebellion in his eyes, but Michael said nothing.

“Number one, you will keep your room tidy,” Mary told him, “Number two, you will do any, and all, chores you are assigned when you are meant to do them. There is a chart in the kitchen which you have been added to. Number three, all the other children here are now your siblings and I expect you to treat them with respect. Any disagreements are worked out with words, and nothing else.”

Michael was silent for a moment before he asked, “Is that all?”

“No,” Mary replied, “I expect you to follow all these rules, Michael but I promise you that no matter what you will never be sent to sleep without your dinner. And you will never be sent away.”

He dropped his eyes.

“Michael,” Mary said sternly, “Please look at me.”

Slowly he raised his head until his eyes met hers.

“This is your home now,” she told him, stroking his hair, “You are always welcome here and, if you apply yourself, as well as keep out of trouble, then you will be able to go to the Time Master Academy. There you will be able to use that brilliant mind of yours to be the amazing person I know you’ll become.” Silence sat between them for a few minutes before Mary kissed the top of his head, “Unpack your things and set up the room the way you want to. Dinner will be in one hour and I expect you to be in the dining room on time to eat with us all.”

Just as she was about to leave Michael asked, “What if I’m not?”

“I told you,” she said, “You will never go hungry, Michael but if you don’t join us for dinner then you don’t get the full dinner. Instead there will be a sandwich for you to eat.”

Michael nodded, “I’ll be there for dinner.”

Mary gave a small smile and kissed the top is his head, “Welcome home, Michael.”

[nyrator]

still feel like venting and rambling into spacee

broke up with kresna yesterday, he still hasn’t responded to me at all. I’m worried, but don’t want to keep pestering him, either. I know he really wanted us to be a thing, but I don’t think I’m built for a relationship. Maybe we can try again once the border is open and see how things go in person. But right now, we’re too frustrated and too weighed down by our own personal lives to harmonize well at the moment, and it’s not like I haven’t brought up the issue several times as well to brace him for it. Maybe it’ll just be a refreshing breather for the two of us to help get things back on track, but he can take things very personally. I hope I haven’t lost my best friend. I really, really hope I haven’t lost him for good.

He really is a good person. I can’t really give him what he needs right now- I just end up giving him more problems, and I hope this was the right decision. It felt like the only decision I had. I’m scared at how dangerous it might turn out to be. I still plan on treating him the same, if he chooses to accept it, he’s still my best friend like I said, but I feel it’s going to be a lot harder on him and I hope he can make it through this.

My boss texted me today and told me they’re closing the store down next month, which is sad. That floral shop was very good to me, I remember my boss wanting to downsize and just have me and her running the business together, if I ended up not moving to Canada. Sad that won’t happen, but glad she got a new job as a substitute teacher. They’re pretty sure I can get a manager job at any craft store if I applied (I’m doubtful), and I live somewhat close to some big ones (Joanns/Michaels/Hobby Lobby/etc), so maybe I’ll start applying there. I can’t imagine a lot of the smaller stores staying open (what is it, 20 percent of them went out of business so far since covid?), so probably not worth it to even apply to them. Will have to get a car, too. Have $10,000 in savings, theoretically it can last me all of 2021 without including spending it on a car.

Speaking about my budget out loud.

$125 a month in rent, ~$35 in electric, $65 on internet, and say ~$10 for four-ish loads of laundry a month = $235 on basic living.

Groceries, roughly $30 a month I’d say, I tend to not need much, and any food is covered under food stamps. ~$65 a month on cats. = ~ $330 a month I spend on average, plus any luxury items like video games that I might buy.

Right now I still receive about $220 every two weeks from unemployment, but that can disappear at any moment. Rent is income based, I don’t know if they took it with my unemployment or without since it was right when it got re-extended somehow, probably from covid. I was told $25 a month (I know, that’s absolutely insane), but the paperwork says $125 (still insane but I’ll take what I can get, rent is the one good thing I have going for me right now, thank you income-based senior apartment).

I also applied for another credit card, but still inexperienced at building credit- hopefully it builds quick enough where if I need a car, I can get a decent payment plan

In short, I can get by for a year without a job, theoretically, but I’d rather not. And the sooner I get a car, the better, probably- driving makes me extremely, extremely anxious, though, but I can’t really walk anywhere safely either thanks to the highways/interstates. There’s biking, but most things are on a highway uphill... And always the bus if they still run, but the bus I take is very limited on where it goes...

Another stimulus would be great (ah, politics), if only to help with the bigger purchases. Still like the idea of UBI too, even though it’s highly unlikely we’ll get anything like it any time soon.

I also thought about going back to school, maybe online courses, get something in computers. One for personal use- to make things like video games, but also to see if I can get a career in it. I know it’s a field that is in need of programmers, I just wonder if I’d be able to do it (or afford it...), feels like a big commitment for me.

Been in weird mode post-break up. Part of me does feel refreshed, like I can focus on myself again, on my projects. Another friend is trying to inspire our group to work on our fangames again before the New Year, and I feel like I might work on you&me again, finally. Maybe Ploom, too, or Skatered concept art. Maybe I’m just filling my head with these ideas to cope and not think about the terrible thing I’ve done, I dunno. Today depression hit a lot harder than yesterday.

Still playing with the idea of becoming a vtuber legitimately ever since an artist I followed became one, maybe as Lave, maybe as a completely original character and become totally anonymous about it. I’d probably do pre-recorded videos rather than streams, I’d imagine. I’m not a good speaker- not a lot to talk about, and I have a lisp and trip over my words a lot. I’d probably just play my favorite games (Yume Nikki, Cave Story, F-Zero GX, etc) and keep a shy, somewhat informational persona, or something, instead of the energetic reactionary ones I usually see. Beyond games, not sure- Q&As, if the audience is there for it, otherwise, hm. Maybe art recordings, I guess. I’d like to play music, but good ol’ dmca stuff still exists.

Chances are very slim this actually happens, and I feel like a dork for even entertaining the idea, but it’s something to think about to kill time, I suppose.

Healthwise, slowly getting back on track, but it varies. Starting to eat 1,500 calories again (mostly through chocolate, though), bought some foods to try, but no idea how to prepare. Today was a low energy kind of day, took three naps throughout it and still feel like laying in bed.

My sleep is still something- I’m always fascinated by sleep and parasomnia stuffs that I kind of want to experiment, but for my health I probably shouldn’t. One night recently I had a strange dream, more of a feeling, mixed with sleep paralysis and other things I shouldn’t mention. Got a few entries this month for my dream diary again, not sure if it’s from my crazy sleep schedules, or from actively keeping the diary again, or what.

Still on the fence about sharing the diary, if only because of how embarrassing it is. Maybe through RN, for some reason I like exposing those kinds of thoughts through RN to vent, I guess- it’s fun to embarrass Lave and not fun to embarrass me, even though that makes no sense. I don’t think I could draw those dreams, though, so maybe a written blog post on the RN blog...? I dunno.

Also slowly getting back into the ACNH life- realized I’m still missing a lot of furniture though, made a wishlist but haven’t really played with anyone lately, wish the Nooklings would actually sell new items (come on Nintendo, add another upgrade, please- I do wonder if more items than I think are limited in color selection per island, like the Nook items/surfboards). Might have to make a separate post for it laterr. Also updated my wardrobe in the game finally, not 100% on it (the skirt mainly, maybe the hat too) but overall it looks okay. Not sure why I’m such a huge fan of moccasins but pink ones are great (I’ve only owned brown ones irl). Still would like to own a hat like that, too... especially now that my hair is thinning more and more

also recipes are still a pain to get, made a checklist and it looks like I’m still missing roughly a third of the recipes, rippp (one day, giant teddy bear, wooden bookshelf, cool moon chair thing, etc...)

[alexenlinea]

been a while sice i’ve updated here so  thought i’d get some thoughts out. i graduated from university about 5 months ago now and i’ve been staying with my sister since the start of fall. so far i haven’t found a job yet but i’ve also been struggling quite a bit mental healthwise so i’m taking it easy since i can baiscally just chill here and not worry about bills other than my personal stuff and loans soon. still struggling to get my name change stuff processed but hopefully i’ll have figured out where that’s at by monday. i’ve had a hard time just relaxing and not feeling bad about it since i’ve been busy for so long but i’m learning to appreciate the downtime rather than let it overwhealm me. One thing that has been stressing me ooout is i’ve been without hormones for like 2 months now but i haven’t noticed too much change thankfully. I’ve been able to sort it out temporarily tho so i’ll be okay for the next few months at least. and if i don’t find work or get benefits by the new year i can ask for money to get me a shot of nebido that’d keep me going for 3 months. so, a lot of issues w money but i’m not super worried about them bc i’ve obsessed enough to figure solutions to take care of basic needs like hormones. Not working and being mostly to myself has given me a lot of time to think and really try and manage my lows and anxieties. I decided to go off  the last antidepressant i was on bc it wasn’t helping much other than taking the edge off a bit and i knew i wouldn’t have the money to keep on it without my student insurance anyways. I tried going back on briefly but i feel i’m managing just about the same i would on it than off so i decided to just stay off them till i find a new therapist and all that and maybe get to try some alternate treatments i didn’t get to do bc of covid and general struggles on my part to set everything up and afford the out of pocket fees. i’m coping alright now but it’s def still a conscious struggle everyday. i’m also finding myself struggle more with getting taken advantage of at this new years party i went to as the date comes closer. i really started to struggle with feelings of shame and guilt a few months on but lately it’s been occupying my thoughts more as i continue to come to terms w it. still mostly hard days but i met a new guy and we’ve been together for a few months and he’s helped me a lot. just been really understanding and making sure i’m comfortable and being there for me after a close friend gaslit me about the whole situation. he’s really sweet and we click quite nicely so that’s been a pleasant new thing in my life. it’s nice to feel such a genuine connection with someone and not wonder where i stand with them. he’s really been a big help in becoming more confident and comfortable w myself lately. mental health is still a struggle daily but i do look forward to the future and i’m finding a lot more things that i thought would never happen for me are attainable. and i’ve been trying to stop gaslighting myself into thinking i’m not important to anyone and none of my friends like me but it’s a work in progress lamo. i love all my friends here and in life, ya’ll really keep me going. also been coming to terms w a lot of past family drama and youth backstory so i’m feeling more at peace and sure of myself than ever these days. it’s been a really hard year but i’m still here and trying to keep it that way. i just feel life is on the path it needs to be right now so i’m trying to keep my head up and follow through. basic goal rn is to become independent again lol

also dysphoria hasn’t been nearly as bad as it used to be. it’s nice to not feel constant discomfort and it makes waiting for surgery not so unbearable. 

[beanfic]

New Roommates - Ch.1

Word Count: 1715

Warnings: Talk of a loss of a parent and some soft angst about moving.

Author’s Note: Here it is! My official entry for Kansas’ YouAU challenge! This series is going to be in the first person from MY PERSPECTIVE! It was quite the experience of writing about myself, but I hope you enjoy!

I glanced up from the marble sink to look at myself in the toothpaste-stained mirror in front of me. This was going to be the last time I ever looked at myself in this crappy motel-like apartment that I had been sharing with a cousin and an aunt of mine. 

I had just moved to Ohio about a month ago - all the way from Portland, Oregon -  with my Mom and we ended up moving in with my Mom’s sister and daughter. I shouldn’t be complaining about their apartment, but I am definitely not upset about moving out. Even if my Mom doesn’t want me to, but it was about time I grew up and moved out! I am a 23-year-old anyways.

Today I was finally moving in with my new roommates that I had found on craigslist. Yes, you heard that right. Craigslist. My mom wasn’t very happy either when I told her, but it was the best I could do with the budget I had. I was desperate to get away from my overbearing mom.

Their craigslist ad didn’t seem too sketchy either! It was three boys all around my age, two musicians and a videographer. It seemed like a good fit for me being an amateur photographer. The pictures of the apartment also seemed very nice. Much nicer than our current living situation. 

I think my mom was happy to be moving out of my Aunt’s home as well, even though she is moving with her Mom, but that is because my Grandmother is not doing the best healthwise. That was the reason why we moved out here to Ohio actually. My Aunt told my Mom that she was done with “taking care of my grandmother by herself”, and because my Mom is a very caring person we packed up and headed out to the wonderful state of Ohio. 

It’s not like Ohio is a bad place. I have been here multiple times because my family was based here on my Mom’s side, but Portland has always been home for me. It was where my Dad had grown up, and we would always go hiking together, but unfortunately, he had passed away from cancer when I was in middle school, so it has just been my Mom and me since then. Now that I am 23, I am ready to grow up and move on with my life as an independent woman!

“You can do this Sav,” I whispered to myself as I narrowed my eyes towards the brown-haired girl in the mirror staring back at me. My hair was tied half up with a black scrunchie and I wasn’t wearing any face makeup besides for some eyebrow product and mascara.

I usually didn’t give myself pep talks in the mirror, but this certain life event required one. I never thought that I would be moving out and moving in with strangers in a state you had just moved to, but I guess there is a first for everything?

I thought back to the first time I had met the boys. They invited me to a pizza parlor that was right down their street, and I was not really expecting them to look like what they did. When I saw the names Tyler, Josh and Mark on the ad I was expecting some jock looking guys but instead it was three guys who were some of the nicest human beings I had ever met. 

I remembered that Tyler had shaken my hand first and introduced everyone else. He rubbed me as sort of the leader of the trio. Mark seemed like the funny one, and Josh was quieter. He definitely was the cutest out of all of them, but I already told myself that I am not going to fall for any of these men. They were my roommates. Potential friends. Not a potential romantic interest. 

“Ready to head out?” my Mom’s high pitched voice called out from the bathroom door. 

“Just a second!” I looked back up at myself. I focused on my hazel eyes for a brief second before turning away and grabbing my bag that was filled with all my toiletries and bathroom goodies. My Mom was standing on the outside of the bathroom door with my three suitcases. One was filled with my clothes, the other filled with my blankets and trinkets, the last one was filled with anything else that wasn’t too breakable and didn’t fit into one of the boxes.

The nice thing about moving into an apartment that already has people living in it is that all I need is my bedroom and bathroom stuff since they have everything else! It was much easier to do this compared to first packing up an entire house when I moved to Portland.

The car ride over to the apartment was awkwardly quiet. I sat in the passenger seat with my Mom in the drivers. I looked out the window and counted the number of trees I saw. There were 32 until we turned into the apartment complex. It wasn’t too far away, which was nice, I suppose. 

Fortunately, their apartment was on the top level so we did not have to listen to any footsteps above our heads, and the three-level of staircases weren’t too bad either. I opened the car door once my mom had parked and stretched a little before grabbing my suitcases and a couple of boxes from the car. A moving truck was coming in about twenty minutes with my all my bedroom furniture and other various boxes that could not fit in the car. 

“Sav!” a familiar voice called out from above me. I squinted and looked up to see Tyler leaning over the railing on their small balcony. 

“Hey, Tyler!” I waved back.

“Mark and I will be down in just a second to help you!” He turned around and vanished. I looked over at my mom to see her reaction to seeing Tyler for the first time and she just smiled. 

“He seems very nice!”

“He is! All of them are! I told you I was going to be fine.”

“I know, but you are all I have so of course I worry!” She leaned over to give me a small one-armed side hug. The sound of footsteps rushing down the metal stairs became louder and louder until the two boys were standing in front of you. 

“Mark! Tyler! This is my mom,” I introduced them all and watched as my mom shook their hands carefully. I finished grabbing my items from the car while they exchanged some typical adult conversation.

“Well, I guess this is it! Are you sure you don’t need my help?” My mom asked and I nodded.

“They can help me once the movers get here! I promise I will be okay. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, I love you!”

“I love you too, Mom.” I wrapped my arms around her one last time before she headed out. It was weird officially moving out. I was going to miss my mom, but I know this was going to be really good for me. 

“Here, I can carry these two boxes if you get those two suitcases,” Mark told Tyler. They started heading up the stairs and I followed behind. 

“Thank you for helping me!” 

“Of course! We are here whenever you need it!” Mark called back.

“Oh! I need to introduce you to Kae!” Tyler turned around and gave me a wink.

“Who is Kae?”

“His girlfriend,” Mark answered for him.

“Partner. Their pronouns are they/them so if you could try your best to respect that, it would be awesome because apparently somebody can’t!” Tyler glared up at Mark who was stopped on a step to take a breather.

“Sorry! I’m getting better I promise! But they’re the coolest, I bet you will get along with them!” Mark explained. I got nervous about meeting somebody for the first time, but maybe it would also be nice to have another friend that wasn’t somebody I live with. 

“Why is Josh not helping?” I asked.

“I think he was taking a nap, he was out pretty late last night.”

“Yeah, partying,” Tyler interrupted.

“He parties a lot,” Mark explained. 

“Y/N!” sang a cheerful voice from the door to the apartment. Kae stood in the doorframe smiling and waving down to me. “I’m so glad I get to finally meet you!” 

“Hi Kae!” Once I got to the top of the stairs I placed my bags down and smiled towards them. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Thank you for asking first, yes of course!” Kae’s arms wrapped around mine as we embraced. 

“Not gonna lie, I already feel so much more comfortable even though I have known you for, what two seconds?” I admitted. 

“They have that impact,” Tyler added on, meeting you at the top of the stairs. Kae smiled sheepishly. 

“I heard that you are fairly new to Columbus so I decided that I will take you to all the coolest spots!!” Kae clapped their hands excitedly. They opened the door all the way so I could bring my bags in. 

The apartment opened up straight into the living room. There was one long gray couch facing a decent-sized television. There were also two blue beanbags on the ground. Behind the couch was the kitchen table. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a rectangular wooden table. 

Behind the table on one side was the sliding glass doors to the small balcony. There were two planters out there filled with various succulents. On the other side of the kitchen table was the kitchen.

The kitchen was small, and not the cleanest, but it was still better than the previous kitchen I had been forced to cook in. There were stools next to the counter which looked like they were made DIY, or fixed up, who knows. 

There were two hallways both with two bedrooms. Tyler and Mark’s bedrooms were down the left hallway, while mine was down the right hallway from the front door. My room was right across Josh’s, and I had to share a bathroom with him. 

Josh didn’t seem like a bad person to have as a bedroom neighbor. 

Hopefully.

*********************************

tag list: Tag list: @takenvysleep @fromcalmto-ill @svintsandghosts @reginawashere15 @breadbinishigh @ohprettyweeper

[eatrunbehappy]

W6D6 I have been sick the past 10 days and I’m still not where I want to be healthwise but after lots of overthinking everything from skipping that marathon to just running without worrying I decided that I’ll try it. I’ll run it without that big sub-4 or even 3:30 goal I had once. There’ll be more races and it won’t be helpful if I ruin my body with training hard when I should take it slow. So I took it slowly. 3:02h - 30k long run with some pauses to take a photograph or two. The nature was gorgeous. Mild temperatures that aloud to run in a t-shirt and I was surrounded by all that signs of early spring that take the last bits of winter away. Needless to say: I’m happy although everything is far away from where I hoped to be. But that’s life and that’s okay.

[fieldnotesconfidential]

For. Real. Vaccination This Upcoming Season? Fairly Important. And Can Be Made Effective And Accessible For Everyone.

⬆️ Simply a government-approved marketing graphic chosen quickly out of both partial laziness and extreme feigned-apathy and may or may not be applicable to the narrative below.

*from the other room* In all seriousness, Agent, you are fully-aware of which of the devistatingly-retarded wannabe villains is at fault for attempting to use you as an anti-vaxx prop and fake biological weapon and pawn in an attempt at orchestrating a for-real outbreak situation that is working in-tandem with our for-real flu vaccine this year to help those in the area wrought with extreme stupidity and many-times completely unintentional racially-biased poor decision-making abilites (99.9% of the local population) in advance of a real threat this group of what boils down to honest-to-goodness adult day care candidates simply left without their much-needed helmet and multi-colored yet large-size Legos due to surprising issues with coordination, dexterity, and common sense, has attempted to orchestrate?

I’ve got a handle on it at, least enough for you guys to fully step in at a certain point. This strain is going to be extremely dangerous for everyone this year and I will be working with you in working through the paper work and prosecution process for the entire stunt.

👽Hahahaha! You fully-realize you’ll be stuck doing all the paperwork probably! 👽

Nibru, go draw some crop circles or something.

👽Hahahaha!👽

👹Well I already got my flu shot so I’m way ahead of you guys so I don’t know what to tell you.👹

Super! Cool! Awesome! Good for you!

*from the other room* You know, Agent, you don’t have to be so mean, all of the time.

Really? After yesterday you’re going to come at me with that?

*from the other room* At least pretend not to be full of constant disgust and disdain. Just attempt to chill o... actually, you don’t really have to, considering your most-recent EKG and obvious ability to now run circles around the poor extremel mental-handicap of the main network of men and women that continue to be our problem at this point, who continue to insist on instead pointing out flaws in others disputes thier own who are simply being wayyyyyy too caudling, however, just attempt to be nicer in general, okay? We all aren’t really even laughing at them anymore, as this has all become simply sad and pathetic.

Just a head’s up, that network has targeted a specific segment of the population, for reasons I sadly understand, however, their attempt to use me has been *air quotes* very entertaining at the very least considering they’ve been unaware of my position and role.

*from the other room* We are aware. I said be nice not condescending.

Duh, uh, totally! For you guys. I. AM. ALWAYS. HAVING. SUCH. A. FUCKING. BLAST.

👽Hahaahahahahhaha!👽

*from the other room* Just continue to have patience with these people, both those we are continuously tracking 24/7 and/or those we will eventually have to most-likely execute for their crimes, in an attempt to resent the simple people of the area being used as pawns. Eventually this nightmare will come to a close.

Thank. Fucking. God.

👽*air quotes, and in a slurred-high-pitched-cartoonish voice* Metaphorically speaking!👽

*from the other room* Hahahahhaahhaa!

It’s not funny. It’s horrifying. Also, my life has been so terrifying for so long you people could not dea...

*from the other room* ...and that is why you *air quotes* get to do what you do, and help more people than you’ll ever realize. Keep it up. Also, shut up. Also, get the fuck out of my office and back into the field.

👽Hahahhahahahaha!👽

*from the other room* You too Nibru, or we’ll swap out your vaccine just to see *air quotes* what your DNA can do next.

👽Hold up, what?👽

I still cannot believe the medical professionals who got roped into their little network have gone so far as to have to be eligible to have all of their licensing completely removed, not to mention the crimes they could be charged with, this is all pretty sad, and pretty stupid.

*from the other room* Almost the understatement of the decades.

If anyone is wondering, I will never recover so thanks for basically executing me as well and then also I *air quotes* get to still stick around and do more work.

👽Hahahahahahahaha!👽

I’m honestly thankful for my intelligence. And sad for those who find humor in that. Also I do see the humor a...

👽Hahahahahahahaha!👽

*from the other room* Okay, seriously, both of you get out of here and back to work. Agent, you may need to seriously step it up, healthwise.

Thank you. I am aware.

[watermelonharreh]

Asks

My sweet girlfriend asked me to do the lovely asks and here it is:

p: Lavender: Name something that relaxes you. Talking to my love, playing with my dogs, listening to music

Polaroid: Post a picture that makes you feel good about yourself. Pass

Vinyl: What is some of your favorite music? Gah, where do I even begin?! I love so many different artists and songs. I guess if I had to pick one genre it would be indie, that is my most played genre according to my Spotify statistics. One of my most favourite songs is My Love My Love by BANFF, I also really like The Killers, San Cisco, CHVRCHES, Kendrick Lamar, Amy Shark, Alex Lahey, Tegan & Sara etc to name a few, there’s literally hundreds of others.

Incense: List your three favorite scents. My girlfriend, Clean washing and this candle that I have it’s Burnt sugar and fig and it smells amazing.

Roots: How do you ground yourself or recharge? I don’t….? Honestly though, laying in bed listening to music is probably my most common way

Silk Sheets: Any ways you treat or spoil yourself? Getting the good shampoo….look out we have a badass over here I know, but that’s about it.

Paintbrushes: Do you have a creative past-time? I love playing guitar/learning new songs

Scars: Share something difficult you’ve been through. Life has always been pretty rough healthwise, I’ve had lots of visits to hospital and many surgeries and its ongoing but there’s plenty of other people out there who have it worse so I’m lucky

Rainstorms: What helps you fall asleep? Talking to my girl, we usually stay up late and talk to each other until we’re sleepy and it’s the best thing <3

Bones: Name one strength and one weakness. Strength- I think I’m pretty good at being there for other people and caring Weakness- I stress about everything and I hate it

Teacups: Favorite beverages? Iced tea and vodka

Sealing Wax: Have you ever received a letter or written one to someone else? Yes

Dragons: What makes you feel powerful, what breathes life into you? Love, being with my girl was the best time of my life and she is actually the most amazing person ever and I love her so much

Soup: Comfort food? Any Thai food

The Moon: What’s your favorite thing to do at night? Talk to Niamh till the early hours of the morning 💗

Klosh: If you could go back to any three era’s what would they be? -

Lace: Your favorite things to wear? Jeans/denim jacket

Pocketwatch: If you could be immortal or have an extremely long life span what would you pick and why? Neither, cause if you’re immortal or have a long life span eventually the ones you love will die and you will live on and I don’t wanna go on without them to be honest

Honeybee: Name something positive you have done for yourself or someone else in the last two weeks. I got my girlfriend a pretty cute birthday present, does that count?

Typewriter: If you had to come up with ten words to describe your life story so far, what would they be? I only need 2- hot mess

Blue Hair Dye: One thing you like about your appearance? I guess my hair is okay? I don’t hate it

Felines: Something that makes you feel better after a hard day? Talking to Niamh 💗

Poetry: If you have one, name a favorite book or poem. To Kill a Mockingbird

@ghost-busting-gays

[rarapussyriot]

Day 18, 19, 20 and 21.

Okay so day 18 (Thursday) was an excellent day for me. I did a pole dancing class and then I went for a run when I got home. I didn’t overeat that day either.

Foods:  Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg and side of avocado. Coffee with Milk.  Morning tea: Another coffee with milk, one boiled egg and 50g of shaved ham.  Lunch: Shin raymun (1/4 pack) with seafood, cabbage and mushrooms.  Afternoon tea: Metamusil. I ran out of time to have steamed vegetables. Buuut, at the bar we got to trial a new beer, so we split the new Garden ale we got. Surprising low on calories that beer.  Dinner: 6 chicken nuggets, no sauce. AND I FUCKING DESERVED IT.  Dessert: After my run, I had a high protein yogurt with blueberries and raspberries.  Totals for day 18: 1,210kcal eaten, 91g carb, 52g fat, 81g protein, 13g fibre. AND A MOTHERFUCKING 3 THOUSAND, 6 HUNDRED and EIGHTY-SIX GODDAMN KCAL BURNT (3,686kcal). WHOO!

Day 19: 

Okay so Fridays are always bad days for me. Mainly because they are my drinking days. BUT compared to previous, it wasn’t soo bad. No, the bad times were the next day when I was hungover.. but I’ll get to that. 

Food:  Breakfast: Bit of a mixed bunch: Leftover blueberries and raspberries, leftover avocado and leftover baked beans (SOOO MUCH FIBRE). And of course, Coffee with milk.  Morning Tea: More coffee with milk, sugar cookies with buttercream frosting (Damn it Lauren!), a boiled egg and small packet of Jerky.  Lunch/Afternoon tea/ Dinner: Okay so I got an MRI for someone’s study but it (MRI plus the follow up evaluation) ran for almost 4 hours so they bought me lunch from the hospital. It was a roast beef, roast pumpkin/potato, steamed veg meal.  I guess it wasn’t too bad, healthwise, looking at the numbers.  Annnd here we go, drinks and munchies: 3 Pure blonde Ultra low carbs and SIXX (!!!) Wild Turkey with coke zero. I also had a serving of Smiths thinly cut original chips.  Totals for day 19, fuck :( :  1,874kcal eaten, 131g carb, 46g fat, 65g protein, 19g fibre. But 2,980kcal burnt.. Yeah I’m not counting that as a win. 

Day 20: 

Now this is the really bad one. I need the food or I feel sicker. I also tried to pole while hungover and didnt get very far. Did get very sweaty in 30min with little effort though. 

Breakfast: I got Uber eats. It was scrambled eggs, bacon, mushrooms, tomato, mini sausages, this delicious tomato zucchini relish and a slice of toast. And of course, coffee with milk.  Lunch: Beef Pho.  Dinner: we went out for karaoke and got dinner/drinks there. Big mistake. 3x glasses of rose, 1 Gordons pink lemonade, 1 espresso martini, 3 arancini balls, 1 slice of garlic bread, 1 chicken wing, 1 piece of pork belly, 1 jalapeno popper, 2 pieces of calamari. It was a platter shared between the three of us; don’t judge. Totals for day 20: 2,285kcal, 228g carb, 68g fat, 84g protein, 9g fibre. That has got to be the worst day I’ve ever recorded. too much carb and calories, not enough fat, protein or fibre. And according to Fitbit, 2,732kcal burnt. 

Lets hope I don’t repeat a day like that any time soon. 

Day 21: 

Okay, well this is still ongoing but I guess in light of the last two days, I’ll need to up my game. 

Breakfast: Coffee and milk. I woke up late okay? Lunch: half a shin raymun, 6 mussels, cabbage, mushrooms, 1 egg mixed in.  Snack (if I need one): a small portion of Kebab shop chips. Also dill pickle.  Dinner: A bubble and squeak, Helgas low carb toast, buttered, tomato sauce and mayo, boiled egg, onion. So fucking good. 

Okay, I did good on my exercise. I did a 5.5km run, then an upper body fitness blender workout (25min) and the core portion of the core and lower body workout, again from Fitness blender.  Totals for day 21: 1,189kcal eaten, 133g carb, 51g fat, 42g protein, 9g fibre. So not great on the macronutrient ratios. The run was 410kcal but my overalls may not even reach my daily goal (approx. 2,400kcal) as it’s currently at 2,167kcal with only 2 1/4 hours left, and most of that will be sleeping.  Oh well. I am proud of the upper body workout. 

[leslea]

she’s in love with me and I feel fine

Well, there’s no “she” in love with me, as far as I know, but I do feel partially fine today and that’s a great step forward.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been waking up with a backache. I’ve also had awful brain fog. Today I started the day with coffee, second day in a row. It’s a crutch, and one that I don’t want to get back into the habit of, but I felt very much in need today.

I got the kids up and ready for the day, then drove the oldest to track practice, only to discover assorted assembled SWAT team members were using the track to train. Forgive me for this, but WHY ARE COPS SO FAT? That’s not a joke, I don’t know the punchline, but if there is one, I’m sure it has something to do with running laps around doughnut shops instead of the high school track. Regardless, I asked the nice, portly gentlemen in question if they were going to be using the track for awhile. They looked as though they were going to be set up for a bit, and they confirmed that yes, although they had no idea how long they would be, they had reserved the track. So where was track practice going to be held, Sam and I wondered. Of course the cops didn’t know, but I didn’t expect they would. They very kindly called me ma’am in response and went back to laughing at each other as they chugged around the track in what appeared to be Kevlar vests. The kid & I searched the high school grounds, double and triple-checked the Remind app, and emailed the coach. No response. Another coach showed up, but not for Sam’s events. He didn’t know if Sam’s team was practicing today or not. Hrm. A downright mystery.

After about 35-40 minutes of trying to find the coach on the campus and at the neighboring middle school track, we gave up and went home. The words of the coach’s plethora of angry texts ring through my ears, still. “COMMUNICATE! DON’T RISK GETTING CUT!”  So far all of my son’s communication with the coach has been one-way. When is practice? Where is practice? My mom didn’t know about practice on Monday so I won’t be there, but I will be there Tuesday

I’ve emailed the coach a few times and generally get pissed off-sounding responses. My kid is always met with crickets. I know coaches are busy people, but so are moms. I hate leaving my other kids unattended or wasting a lot of time driving kids around to several practices because coaches don’t communicate. This happens nearly every season with nearly every coach at least once. Not a big deal if you have one kid. If you have four, it gets annoying. If it’s only one coach out of four who does it multiple times, it gets really tiresome fast. I’m 100% sure coaches feel the same way about bitchy moms who blog about them online, but c’est la vie. We all have our crosses to bear.

ANYWAY, this is part of the reason why I have a “one kid in one activity at a time,” rule. I just can’t typically handle it, logistically, stress-wise, or healthwise. I lose my ever-loving mind.

Now, having said that, whatever, I don’t really mind that much today because I feel okay except for the aching back and nothing in the house was broken this time (including other kids) while I was running Sam around. I guess I’m just venting because I can. Because the world is filled with assholes and I’m one of them, and so are you. “And she’s in love with me, and I feel fine...”

I’ve done other work today. Bills, groceries. I’m drinking my carrot juice and taking vitamins. I’ve walked my dog. There are about a million things I need to do, working on my current WIP (another non-fiction) being one of them, but I sorta feel like I deserve a free pass today. The kids are all at home. We had a good day out yesterday. I just feel like being here with them today. That’s allowed, I think.

I need to practice ukulele for a bit, and do dishes and work on dinner...later.  I appreciate police officers very much. I’m sorry if the fat comment hurt feelings. I’m no string bean, myself. Here’s hoping we’re all back to our individual fighting weights soon.

[thetaylorfiles]

Hi! It's been over a year that I habitually come to your blog to see what you're up to & it's comforting. I hope you're doing well. Anything fun or new happen recently? I've never tried Hinge-- I'll check it out!! Honestly, my roommate and I have been struggling with quarantining, knowing some peers have been going out. We are on the same page about it, tho! And healthwise we're good! Everything else has been ok! I've been writing creatively more, and it feels good. Maybe Taylor inspired me!

It’s been a long time that I come habitually you my blog too! Hahaha! But Folklore brought me back and I’m so glad it did. I’ve really missed you guys. I absolutely love getting to talk with so many cool people. I feel like some of you are my friends.

And now, more than ever, with so much bullshit misinformation being pushed out there and Fox News brainwashing of people, and actual fuckimg conspiracies happening, this blog feels timely in a way. Conspiracies in the real world right now are actually matters of life and death. Ask Herman Cain. And thousands of other non-famous people.

I see my mother reading bullshit that spins in directions that they should never go to and I worry about her aging, fragile mind and I want to ducking smash the fucking far right and their goddamn conspiracies and lies.

So, yeah. If I can spend time on here, having fun talking about a celebrity that I adore, fighting against one tiny conspiracy (that, thankfully, isn’t that harmful), and having fun, then yeah. I’m good.

So, yeah. Check out Hinge! I told my friend that at the very least or best, you could meet a cute girl that you hit it off with and you could have one of those relationships with that we all had when the internet was new and we met people from all over and thought we were in love from talking all the time over IM and the phone. You may not be able to meet up now (unless you meet The One and take the right precautions), but you could have someone to flirt with and be excited about! That sounds so delicious to me! Seriously.

I think everyone is struggling with quarantining. If you’re not, you’re an anomaly. I think I’ve finally accepted it for the most part. But I’m very lucky. I have my best friend with me and I have my kids. I get breaks and I have my parents to see a few times a week.

However, school starts tomorrow. And not only do I fucking loathe homeschooling and teaching like crazy, but I’ve now got two kids who are really in it in terms of curriculum. Last year my girl was young enough that she didn’t have to do much. And my son is on the autism spectrum. Which, for him, means that he sees school as a place where you do school work. And home is for relaxing. He just CANT separate the two.

The last few months of distance learning last year was a nightmare with him. Constant, bad fighting to get him to do anything. And I hate fighting him. He’s not trying to be bad. His brain just works differently. I got him to do a few assignments a day last year but he didn’t learn shit. I had to beg him or bribe or fight him on it. It was AWFUL. And I hope to god it’s now like this this year.

If I could, I’d say, okay, take a gap year. (Which btw, the schools should be saying that to everyone. Elementary kids (or all) should just get a gap year till we can do in person learning). Don’t do your work and you’ll just start next year at the grade you are now. But then he’d lose all his friends. And do you know how hard it was for him to make friends? He finally has this small group of girls and boys that love and accept him. I can’t take that away.

Plus, my daughter is now in 2nd and she’s got a full day every day. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

On top of that, this summer has at least given them their good mental health back. At the end of last school year I was dealing with depressed, anxious, angry children who felt suffocated and untethered. It was scary. Bad mental health for them both. I did what I could this summer to make it better for the both of them. And it worked. But now we’re going back into it and my sunny, happy kids are going to turn depressive. They both have said some alarming things when like this.

Kids just aren’t meant to be kept home, away from everyone.

Sorry. This got way too poor me. Thing is, so many of my friends are dealing with the same thing. Do you know how many 5-7 year olds I know that are now in therapy for deep depression, anxiety and self harm? It’s scary.

But we’ll do our best!! Got some ideas and I’m hopeful. And dear god let Biden win so he can eventually turn this around.

Wow. I’m so sorry to vent like that. Thank you for listening.

Hey. Do you ever want to talk off asks? My DMs don’t work. I can’t get any DMs. But if you send me a private anon, I can answer you privately and I’ll give you my number and we can text. I do it with another friend from here too. Would love to chat more! As long as you’re cool with someone who sometimes takes forever to reply and sometimes replies rapid fire. Hahaha

[thehivemindwrites]

On Metamorphosis

I mentioned this somewhere, probably on Twitter before I finally got the fuck off Twitter forever and relegated it to just pushing notifications when I post on not-a-hell-site (except, of course, I’m writing this on tumblr, so what the fuck do I know), but just a little over seven months ago, after putting it off for far too long, I made what has turned out to be the most important purchase since paying the movers to send my shit over to Germany and bought a gym membership. 

This was a big deal for a couple of reasons:

1. Perhaps the most obvious, this was the natural progression from taking daily hikes to doing yoga in a very gradual effort to get my shit together, healthwise. I am, and have always been, a big dude - but being a big dude comes with the responsibility to maintain the bigness in a muscle way and not a fatty fat fat piece of shit way. I did a bad job of this, starting around 2011 and continuing up through, oh, let’s say 2015.

2. That I felt like I was, you know, at a level where going to the gym would not be a comedy of errors and injuries was in and of itself a process of undoing the unbelievable amount of damage I’d done to myself physically during what I generally refer to mentally as the Dark Year, aka 2012 when I was deeply depressed, living in New York, and (about half that time) unemployed and 100% edging closer and closer to suicidal. I ate a lot and didn’t exercise and basically became a gross, self-loathing heap. At one point, my mother threatened to stop letting me visit, because she couldn’t stand to see what I was doing to myself! Fond memories. Good thing I found a job and moved the fuck out of New York, or this blog woudn’t have updated for years.

3. Okay, here’s the big one: unlike every other time I have Actually Buckled Down to engage in the act of physical fitness, I had no external motivation to do it. This very blog has an entry detailing the last time I tried to get into shape, and it may (not) surprise you (in the slightest) to learn that it was because of a woman! This time, however, there’s no woman, or sports team, or anything at all, actually! It was just me deciding that maybe I would, you know, stop telling myself “hey I bet you totally could still handle a cardio-heavy workout any time now”  and just fucking prove it. I judged I was as healthy as yoga and not eating complete garbage all the time was gonna get me, and made the call. My brother had recently come to a similar decision and so we kind of traded notes, but ultimately I did it because, for the first time (probably) ever, I decided it was worth doing. For me! I was... worth that kind of maintenance, because I would maybe feel better, and I was worth... feeling better about?

Anyway, I’m 20 kg lighter now (close to 21) and there’s no sign of stopping. I had to buy new pants, because my old pants were comically large, and now I’m wearing the same size I wore in, I shit you not, 2010, the year before everything started to really go to shit. That alone would be crazy enough, without all the shit where I don’t snore anymore and sleep better and, shockingly, am even more productive at work (plus, you know, I started writing Vanquisher 2103 around the same time). 

I’ve also allowed myself to be talked into being far more sociable in the office, and in a real fucking turnaround, even vaguely considered the idea of trying to meet new people for a while there. Some of that started before the gym visits did (I found a gaming group and such like a year ago), but I feel like the process has accelerated. I agreed, totally of my own free will, to participate in a mini-Ironman thing this fall, and I am excited about the possibility of it. Our office had its “hey we don’t do Christmas parties but here’s a party about how it’s 2019 now” party this past weekend, and instead of finding a place to hunker down with my phone and drinking until I decide to sneak out of the proceedings, I willingly initiated conversations with people I have worked with for over two years but never met. Just to make it more difficult, I did most of it in German, because I’m at the point where I can do that now (even if I’m still convinced my German is a series of word crimes and eventually the police are going to arrest me). 

Which hey, this all sounds rad, right? Like come on, this is the sort of turnaround that people write shitty motivational books about. And yes, it is rad, you’re absolutely right.

Except for this other thing, where stuff I just assumed was true about myself has very much turned out to not be true. Some of it is just bad self-esteem talking - one of the things I thought was always going to be true was “you’re a fat piece of shit” and yeah, I’ve set a goal of another 20 kg to lose before I hit the completely arbitrary goal I set for myself when I started going to the gym, but it feels like it won’t take too long to get there. It’s in reach, and I’ll definitely be able to do it, and that’s deeply weird for me. Another thing I basically just assumed was true was that I am not really a social being, which is to say I am better off not being sociable. But I keep doing these social things, and they keep being nice, and meeting new people was... actually nice and not as deeply exhausting as I remember it being? 

I feel like I’m so far from who I was even two years ago that I wouldn’t recognize myself, and that’s vaguely terrifying. I’ve been an Extremely Single Person for like... look, let’s just call it a decade (being hung up on someone for years perhaps had something to do with that), and it sounds weird to say that I’m pretty happy with that state of affairs these days, but even weirder is to idly start thinking shit like “hey what if I made an effort to like, Meet Someone?” and not instantly collapse into a panic attack. The act of actually considering the idea feels like lighting a torch and looking at the very nice wooden house I’ve built with a devilish gleam in my eye. 

Maybe that urge will pass, or maybe it’ll lead somewhere. I don’t have the foggiest fucking clue anymore, because I’ve spent like the last year discovering things about myself that turned out to be Untrue. Shit’s gotten weird, is what I’m saying. I’m not sure whether or not I mind.

Anyway, there’s your semi-annual long-ass post from Hive that isn’t just plugging Vanquisher 2103. Except for there, where I just linked it.