#I’m not struggling financially at the moment I can pay all my bills and I’m not suffering

[sweetandglovelyart]

I probably won’t do this since I don’t think I’d have the time for it because of grad school (and I don’t really feel like my art is worth people paying for lmao) but I’ve been kind of thinking of maybe opening up commissions to make a bit of extra money. Probably won’t do it since I need to focus on finishing my dissertation but it’s a thought.

[backwzzds]

ೃ⁀➷ spoil you, plug!eren

eren hated when you spent your own money, but you don’t listen.

thinking about the way plug!eren would take you on his drops with him. you were so quiet and in your own world, he never minded the fact that you had your freshly white painted toes resting against the dash of his mercedes AMG coupe. the entire car was blacked out with expensive ceramic tints, protecting you both from your usual…late night activities.

your glasses rested on the cute bridge of your nose as your left leg was sat in eren’s lap while your right rested against the dashboard. eren was lucky that he fucked with most of his customers heavy…you two had been waiting for the dude to meet y’all for nearly thirty minutes now, and had it been someone else, eren would have sped away long time ago.

eren comfortingly rubbed your baby soft feet in the grasp of his tattooed hand, one with beautiful realism art of your own eye. with a turn of his head, he could see you practically nose deep in the bright screen of your phone illuminating through the car. “you growing bored mama?” his voice is concerned. “ian think we was gonna be waiting this long on dude…my bad baby.”

you hadn’t said much since you’d gotten in the car, just wanting to hurry and add all of your things to your shopping cart on the skims website. “nah, ‘m just…trying…to do somethin’ real quick,” you bite your lip as you tap away on your phone. you were trying to add as many things to your cart before it was gone. “before this shit sell out.”

eren being the nosy boy he is leans against your shoulder to see what you were doing. but the moment he’d seen you type in numbers that belonged to what he knew as your own debit card, he kissed his teeth in annoyance. “man how many times i gotta tell you to stop using your card to go shopping bae?” you roll your eyes at his words. “i’m serious, you got all three of my cards on ya phone for a reason. fuck is you typing in your info for?”

don’t get him wrong, eren loved the fact that you were independent and knew how to handle money almost perfectly now that you were in your twenties. but being together with you for so long, he continued to step up with his provider capabilities by always taking care of you. whether it was paying your bills, rent—everything in between.

but of course it was a struggle when ms. i can do it all by myself meets mr. i know you can but let me do it for you

“because i’m spending like 600 dollars,” you point out to his previous question with an obvious scoff. “i’m not asking you for that.” eren mirrors your actions and rolls his eyes again.

eren looks at you as if you’re insane and suffered memory loss for the past four years you’ve been together. “babe…i make that shit in one night. actually—fuck a night—i make that shit in two hours!”

it wasn’t like he was lying either, with the way that eren was one of the only trusted plugs in town, it was very easy that he’d bring at least a band a night on a consistent basis. selling for almost six years was finally paying off.

you two hardly ever fought, but if you did, it was always about money. eren knew how long you’ve had to do things on your own physically and financially. you couldn’t go to your mom for help, you didn’t have a dad to beg, so it was all on you since you’d been 16. but now that he had eren, he’d just wish you’d let him take the burden of money of your shoulders and take care of you the way you take care of him.

after a few minutes, your boyfriend holds his hand out. you give him crazy eyes, but eventually follow orders by putting your phone in his hand. “don’t know how many times i gotta tell yo stubborn ass, forreal,” he grunted. “‘s never a problem spoiling my baby. you don’t ever ask me for nothing. let me feel useful and get you stuff, mama.”

with a sigh, you nod your head, like you always did. there was no way eren was gonna take no for an answer when it came to spoiling his wife.

in response, eren uses his free hand to delete your information and instead place the correct numbers—the information to his amex black card. all the money he has, he sits and does nothing with it, so why not buy you all the things you’ve never had before?

when you hear the chime of your phone confirming your order, eren hands you the phone back and goes to look out his dark window.

with your acrylics, you grab eren by the neck and slowly turn him back to face you. “thanks papa,” you gave him genuine eyes.

eren leans forward and pecks your lips. with a serious face, he pecks you one more time before wrapping his tatted fingers around your neck erotically. with a look in your eyes he tells you, “always tell me what you want, no matter how much, mama. you know daddy gonna get that shit for you one way or another, regardless.”

[friendlyneighborhoodslut]

𝓲𝓲𝓲. 𝓦𝓮𝓭𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓭𝓪𝔂

»𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐍𝐨 𝐕𝐚𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲, 𝐑𝐊𝐒«

0:21 ─〇─────3:32

⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

“Enemies By Monday” series, part 3.

MASTERLIST

Summary: There's no time to read everything, so they come up with an idea on how to breeze through the curriculum faster.

Warnings: strong language, angst (my god, so much angst), these two never can get along, financial struggles and class conflict.

𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟖, 𝟏𝟗𝟖𝟓.

Dad, El and I sit around the dining table, silently enjoying the recently reinstated heating. I contemplate asking him how he’d scrounged up the money to pay for it to be turned back on, but decide against discussing bills with El in the room.

"I'm going to be out of town for a while. I need you to stay home and watch your little sister." He instructs, breaking the silence.

I sit up straight from my spot at the dining table, taking a moment to process Dad's words. El glances between the two of us awkwardly.

"What? I have plans all week," I exclaim.

"I don't care, she can't stay home alone," he grunts, shoveling a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. "I leave tomorrow morning,"

"For what?" I snap.

He drops his spoon in the bowl, giving me an exhausted look. I hold his stare, challenging him.

"A court appearance. Something about the Department."

The defunding, I think to myself. I swallow hard, sipping on my glass of water. He leans to the side to pull something out of the pack pocket of his jeans. "I'll be gone a while. I'll call every day and I've arranged for Joyce to come check on you guys periodically. This is for necessities only," he harshly emphasizes the only, tossing a white envelope of cash onto the table.

El and I share a shocked expression.

"Where the hell did you get all of this?" I breathe, flipping through the crisp twenty-dollar bills. Suddenly, I can guess where the money to turn the power back on came from.

Dad shakes his head. "It was unlabeled, in the mailbox. Christmas came early this year, I guess.”

I make a face. I have a pretty good idea of who left this money in the mailbox.

I sigh. “Dad, tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. You can’t wait one extra day to leave?”

He frowns, shaking his head. He stands up, pushing his chair back with his knees. He drops his bowl into the sink and comes back to the table, first leaning over El to kiss the top of her head, and then me. He lingers a bit, resting his head on top of mine. “Behave yourself while I’m gone, Mantis,” he whispers.

I gulp at hearing the nickname my mom gave me over a decade ago. I almost ask if he’s heard from her since she left to marry another man and replace me with their own kid, but I don’t. The answer would probably cause me more pain than it’s worth.

“Yeah Mantis, behave,” El teases childishly. I stick my tongue out at her and she mirrors my action, face twisted up.

The three of us laugh.

A honk outside the house makes me jump.

“My ride’s here,” I tell them.

“Tell Eddie I said hi,” Dad requests casually, taking a twenty dollar bill out of the envelope and handing it to me. “Go get a coat for you and your sister while you’re in town today, yeah?” I smile and nod, taking the bill between my fingers.

“Love you!” El shouts just as I’m about to close the door. I theatrically blow a kiss into the air and cackle, losing the door.

I practically leap into the van, making Eddie laugh. “Good morning, you’re in a good mood today,”

I eye him suspiciously, that shit-eating grin on his face. I shove him by the shoulder. “Ow! Why?” He whines, rubbing his shoulder.

“Edward Munson. Did you leave your drug dealing money in my mailbox?”

He furrows his brows. “What?”

“My dad found money in the mailbox. Was it you?”

“Wish I could say it was. But you told me no, and I respect that,” he admits with a straightforward look on his face.

My face falls and my heart drops into my stomach. My skin tingles and my head pounds. “It wasn’t you?” I was so sure it was him to leave the money, and the realization that it wasn’t has given me whiplash.

He purses his lips and shakes his head. “Sorry, Princess. But no. It wasn’t me.”

I comb my brain for an answer. Our family’s definitely not liked enough around this town to warrant hefty anonymous donations like this.

“Payment for your charity work with Harrington?” Eddie suggests.

“I doubt it. Payment’s supposed to come after the work’s completed,” I tell him. I shake my head to clear my mind. “Doesn’t matter anyways. Will you take me to the store?”

Steve still has the habit of tapping his foot when he's anxious, just like he did in middle school. As he silently reads through the instructions on a Vocabulary worksheet, his white Addidas create a rhythm that is driving me up the wall.

Tap, tap, tap.

I try to ignore it, sorting through the stack of Biology homework. Cells, genealogy, evolution, ecology...

Tap, tap, tap.

"For the love of God," I snap. "Will you quit?"

His head shoots up from behind the textbook he's scanning, looking at me like a wounded puppy. "I'm stressed out, leave me alone," he complains.

"Oh, poor you. Stress out quieter," I say bitterly, slotting a sticky note labeled Ecology into the final subcategory for Biology.

"I'm fucked, aren't I?" he breaks the silence.

"Probably," I reply flatly, never looking up from my task. I fish out my biology notebook from sophomore year, sliding the papers of each category between the related notes on the notebook pages.

"Do you have this little faith in all of the people you tutor?"

"Nope, just you," I reply, purposely seeming disinterested. I dare to peek up from the notebook, and what a mistake it is. He's staring at me like he's trying to light me on fire with his mind, and I wish he would. I sigh, slapping the book closed. "It's possible, but it's gonna be a lot of work, and honestly I'm not sure you're cut out for it," I admit.

He pauses. There’s that thinking face of his again. "How do we make it happen?"

"Start by proving to me you actually give a shit about something other than girls and popularity, that you actually care about your future," I tell him. His eyes are locked on mine now, and it hurts to hold it but I also can't seem to look away. "Prove that, then if we have to stay up for three days straight to get it all done, we will. You have my word."

We sit in uncomfortable silence, our gaze unwavering.

I will not lose this weird staring contest with you, Steve Harrington.

He swallows hard, blinking slowly and looking away.

I hate you. I think. Asshole.

"I need to do a literary analysis on Fahrenheit 451," he announces.

"Have you ever read it?" I inquire.

He shakes his head. "Have you?"

"Forever ago, wouldn't remember much," I dismiss.

"We'd better get a copy from the library then," he decides, standing up to fish his keys out of his pocket.

"There's no time to read an entire book," I deny, standing up and smoothing my skirt. "Let's go to the video store,"

"The... video store?" he raises an eyebrow.

"There's a 1966 British film adaptation of Fahrenheit 451. We find it, we watch it, we do the literary analysis."

"Genius." he chuckles, pointing at me.

I smile despite myself. "That's me."

We pull into the empty Family Video parking lot, the faintest hints of night starting to creep across the sky. Steve steps out of the car, starting towards the store, but he stops when he notices I'm not following him. He returns, opening the driver's side door and poking his head inside.

"Hey, Genius. Get out of the car,"

I shake my head. "I'd prefer people not see us together in public. They'll think we're friends or something," I insult, sinking further into my seat and looking around for prying eyes.

"Wow," he mouthes. "That's how it's gonna be, huh?"

I nod deviously.

"You realize I have absolutely no idea what this movie looks like, right?" he tries.

"You can read, can't you? Or do I have to teach you how to do that too?"

He looks at nothing particular in the distance, composing himself. "You're infuriating," he says it so calmly, and I'm unsure whether to be worried or impressed. He closes the door and I think I've won, until he rounds the front of the BMW and opens my door. "Quit being annoying and help me find this movie."

I admire his dedication, but I'm all about principle. I cross my arms. "No,"

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Get out of the car," he repeats, more demanding this time.

"No,"

He lunges forward, grabbing my wrists and pulling me upward. I'm unsurprised he's stronger than I am, but I let out a grunt to express my frustration. "Asshole,"

"Yeah, so I've been told," he huffs, arms twisted around me as he straightens me out. My stomach twists and I contemplate biting him to get him to let go, but decide against it when I calculate how many diseases he'd probably expose me to. Instead, I shove him away, fixing my hair. I stomp toward the store, and he follows me like a shadow.

Family Video is characteristically empty for the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. I slither through the aisles, Steve on the other side. His eyes peek over the top of the shelves, eyebrows screwed downward with focus. He's got a thinking face, that's for sure. I stifle a laugh.

A faint bell jingles as someone opens the front door. I ignore it, honing in on the Drama section as I feel I'm getting closer to my desired target.

"Steve Harrington, is that you?" A girl's voice makes my blood turn ice cold. Vicky Carmichael saunters through the aisle, a mess of poofy red hair and a pink shaggy coat. My eyes widen as I realize my biggest fear of being seen in public with him has become a reality. I turn and face my back to them, scanning my finger over the tapes as inconspicuously as possible.

"Vicky, hey..." Steve's voice cracks at the end, and I cringe for him.

"What're you doing here?" she asks flirtatiously.

Someone kill me.

"Looking for a movie?"

Is it a question or a statement, Steve?

"What movie?"

"Fahrenheit 451," Steve says confidently.

Do not subject me to watching you flirt with a girl, Steve Harrington.

"What's that?"

Oh, for the love of God.

I spot Fahrenheit 451 and reach to grab it, maybe a little too fast because I bump into the shelf as I do so. It rattles, loudly, and a part of me dies. So much for flying under the radar. I feel both of their eyes boring holes into the back of my skull.

"It's a movie?" Steve says matter-of-factly. I turn slowly. He shoots me a look that I can’t decipher.

Sorry, I mouth to him, face twisted in despair. This cannot be happening right now. I round the corner and hand him the VHS.

Steve clears his throat. "We're uh, actually on a date, so..." he tells Vicky, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

My body tightens up as I try not to make my surprise obvious. Steve's body feels like a hot iron against mine. Fury rumbles deep inside my stomach. I clench my jaw and force a smile, fighting the urge to run away as Vicky gapes at me.

"Really? You, with her?" She snarks, pointing at me.

I cock my head and I feel Steve tense this time, squeezing my shoulder as if begging me not to start anything.

"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?" I challenge. The little I do know about Vicky is against my will, as talk spreads fast around this town. I know she’s a part of Steve’s clique, or she was, until she randomly quit hanging out with them a few weeks ago. Her dad’s the CEO of some tech company and she loves to flaunt his money like it’s hers. She falls into the subcategory of rich people in this town occupying Uptown—just like Steve—who think they’re better than everyone else because of their zip code and last names.

Vicky is taken aback. She rubs her hands together. "I just mean... well, aren't you, y'know...on opposite sides of the field? You're just--"

"From the other side of town, right? Not the Upside like all you stuck up rich asshats?" I spit. "Is that what you're trying to say? Poor people can only date poor people?"

Her face twists up. "I'm just saying that, maybe, we should all just stay in our lane, right?"

I press my chin to my chest and take a deep breath. A buzzing behind my eyes floods my vision with a deep reddish-black. I forget all about how angry I am at Steve for his lie. I shrug Steve off of me and step forward, smoothing my hand over the feathers of her jacket. She flinches slightly but allows me to continue, bewildered.

"You know what, Vicky? I admire your ability to be so confidently wrong. It takes guts, really," I speak calmly, looking into her eyes. "Almost as much as it takes to wear this hideous fake coat around everywhere. Did your Daddy spend too much money on your deep-fried hair to get you a good jacket for Christmas?" I pout.

Her lips curl up and she sneers, baring her teeth before spinning on her heels and leaving the store.

Silence lingers for a few seconds, and then, something bizarre happens.

Steve begins to laugh.

It isn't a small laugh or a chuckle, but genuine wholehearted laughter. He doubles over, using the wall for support as he gasps for breath.

I pull him upward just so I can shove him.

"Ow," he says through giggles. "What was that for?"

"I'll deal with you later. Pay for the damn movie."

I sit with a binder in my lap, on the opposite side of the couch from Steve. I haven’t spoke to him since the video store, anger and humiliation radiates out of me and infects the air with tensity. He’s propped up on his arm, watching the emotional end of Fahrenheit 451 with every brain cell he can muster up. His lips part slightly as the screen illuminates his skin in a blue hue. I try not to watch him from the corner of my eye as I write down lesson plans for our last few days. I purposely skip out on tomorrow, instead scratching a big X in its place. I finish it and flick it into his lap. He glances at me, slowly picking up the paper.

“You’re mad at me,” he states mater-of-factly.

“Aren’t I always?”

“Yes, but, this is different,”

I think for a bit before responding, continuing to write on stick notes. In my anger, I write fuck you on a sticky note. “I can’t believe you told her we’re dating. Now everyone in town’s gonna think I have an STD,” I hiss, crumpling up the sticky note and hurling it at him.

He flinches as the note hits his chest and falls into his lap. Reaching for it, he unravels it curiously. He smoothes it over and turns it to face me with a blank expression.

“Really? Very mature,” he says, unamused.

“I hate you,” I tell him.

“I’m sorry,” he shakes his head. “I panicked. I’ve been avoiding Vicki for a month. We went on one date and well, as you’ve seen, she’s… a lot,”

As he attempts to explain himself I continue to ignore him, a strange feeling in my chest. There was one point in my life when I wanted nothing more than for Steve Harrington to tell people he was on a date with me. But that was four years ago and I’ve changed so drastically since then—so has he.

I bite my lip and my eyes burn. Why does it matter what happened when we were 13 and 14 years old? Just two stupid kids that make stupid decisions, right? So why can’t I let it go?

“Hey,” Steve’s voice is soft as he reaches out to me, fingers brushing softly against the fabric of my long-sleeved shirt. I jolt, eyes hollow as I look at him. His usual irritated expression is gone, replaced with one of deep remorse. It’s terrifying. “I’m sorry.”

I feel my throat close and walls go up around my heart. I pull away from him, unsure where to put my eyes.

“No work tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll want to spend time with your family.” I croak, beginning to gather my things.

“I’ll uh—actually be alone tomorrow, too,” he tells me, scratching the back of his head.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I say numbly.

It’s his turn to avoid my eyes now.

“My dad’s got a court appearance in the city for the Station. You obviously know all about that,” I tell him. “So, I’ll need to be home with my little sister the rest of the week. We’ll need to meet at my house until he comes home,”

“You have a sister?” Steve wonders aloud.

I nod, standing to gather my things. Steve scrambles to his feet, a flash of blankets and flailing arms. I swing my backpack over my shoulder. As I watch him fight for his life and lose to a throw blanket, I see him as human for the first time in a long time. He’s awkward and dumb, just like the rest of us. He’s a whole person, with complex thoughts and emotions outside of half-witted banter and detest for me. I’m empathetic to his cause, damned if I’ll let anyone spend a holiday alone.

“You should stop by the house tomorrow,” the words come out of me like vomit; I can’t stop it because I’ve already said it. Now it hangs, heavy and unanswered, in the air. He freezes in place. “It’s inhumane for someone to spend the holidays alone. Even you,” I add some spite to the last part, cementing my position that this does’t, in any way, make us friends, and to hopefully redeem myself from the humiliation.

He fumbles over his words. “Y-yeah. Okay. Sure,”

“Bring your work. We’ll do some to make sure we don’t fall behind,” I add. Keep it transactional, I remind myself.

Steve’s shellshocked expression softens, relieved to return to familiar territory. I’m relieved, too.

“Dinner’s at six. If you’re late I’ll poison your food.” I point a threatening finger at him and he grins stupidly. Something flutters in my stomach.

“Whatever you want, Genius.”

[leighbaye]

— CINNAMON GIRL ¹

written by mina leigh ୨ৎ , darrel curtis 𝔁 f! reader | wc 1000

summary. darry reflects on his lifelong friendship with y/n toizer and her impact on him and his family. this chapter delves into the bond they share, the weight of his responsibilities, and how y/n has been his constant anchor through it all.

labels. darry’s point of view.

warnings. mentions of grief, financial struggles, and family responsibilities.

life doesn’t give you much room to breathe when you’ve got a family to take care of. it’s not something i complain about — it’s just the way things are. i’ve got soda and pony to think about, bills to pay, and a roof to keep over our heads. sometimes, it feels like i’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. but there’s one person who always seems to lighten the load, even when she doesn’t realize it.

y/n toizer.

she’s been my best friend for as long as i can remember. we grew up on the same block, running through sprinklers in the summer and building forts out of whatever junk we could find. even back then, she had this way about her — soft, sweet, always smiling. it didn’t matter if the world was falling apart; y/n could make it feel like everything was going to be okay.

i don’t know what i’d do without her.

the day had been long — too long. work at the roofing company was slow, and when you’re paid by the job, that’s never a good thing. i was tired, sweaty, and had about a million things on my mind when i heard the familiar sound of her laughter coming from the front yard.

there she was, sitting cross - legged on the grass with charlie leaning against her and matteo tossing a football with soda and pony. her sundress was bright against the fading light, her hair catching the golden hues of the setting sun. for a moment, i just stood there, watching.

❝you gonna stare all day, darry, or are you gonna come say hi?❞ she called, her voice teasing but warm.

i shook my head, a small smile tugging at my lips despite myself. i walked over, wiping my hands on my jeans. ❝someone’s gotta keep an eye on you lot. last time you were here, soda ended up with a busted lip.❞

y/n laughed, the sound light and easy. ❝that wasn’t my fault, and you know it.❞

i sat down on the porch steps, resting my elbows on my knees as i watched the kids play. it was like this every time she came around. y/n had a way of making the house feel fuller, like it wasn’t just me holding everything together anymore.

❝how’s work?❞ she asked after a moment, her voice quieter now.

i sighed, running a hand through my hair. ❝same as always. slow. but we’ll manage. we always do.❞

she nodded, her expression thoughtful. ❝you know, if you ever need anything —❞

❝i know, y/n. but we’re fine.❞ i cut her off, not unkindly. i knew she meant well, but the last thing i wanted was to lean on her more than i already did. she had her own family to take care of.

she didn’t press the issue, and i was grateful for that. instead, she leaned back on her hands, looking up at the sky.

❝do you ever think about how different things could’ve been?❞ she asked softly.

i frowned, glancing over at her. ❝what do you mean?❞

❝if our parents were still here,❞ she said, her voice barely above a whisper. ❝yours, mine… maybe life wouldn’t feel so heavy all the time.❞

❝ studying at the same university together, we always are.❞

it wasn’t often that y/n talked about her parents. they’d passed away in a car accident when charlie was just a baby, leaving her to step into a role she hadn’t been ready for. not that you’d ever know it. y/n had taken on the responsibility of raising her brothers with a grace that still amazed me.

❝maybe,❞ i said after a moment, my voice low. ❝but you’ve done a damn good job, y/n. you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.❞

she looked at me then, her eyes shining with something i couldn’t quite name. ❝neither do you, darry.❞

later that night, after y/n had taken her brothers home, the house felt quieter than usual. soda was sprawled out on the couch, snoring softly, while pony was tucked away in his room with a book. i sat at the kitchen table, a stack of bills in front of me and a pen in my hand.

the numbers didn’t add up, no matter how many times i went over them. i rubbed a hand over my face, frustration bubbling under the surface.

❝you’re going to give yourself wrinkles, you know.❞

i looked up, startled to see y/n standing in the doorway. she held a plate of cookies in one hand and a thermos in the other.

cookies, the ones soda and pony love.

❝what are you doing here?❞ i asked, though i wasn’t upset.

she shrugged, setting the plate and thermos on the table before sitting across from me. ❝couldn’t sleep. figured you’d still be up.❞

she wasn’t wrong. she never was.

she poured two cups of coffee from the thermos, pushing one toward me. i took it with a small nod of thanks, the warmth seeping into my hands.

❝sugar, creamer?❞ she offered.

❝no thanks.❞

❝what’s on your mind?❞ she asked, her voice gentle.

i hesitated, but something about the way she looked at me made it impossible to lie. ❝everything. the bills, the boys, work … it feels like no matter how hard i try, it’s never enough.❞

her expression softened, and she reached across the table, placing her hand over mine. ❝darrel curtis, you’re one of the strongest people i know. but you don’t have to do it all on your own. you’ve got me. you’ve got the boys. you’re not alone in this.❞

her words hit me harder than i expected. for a moment, i couldn’t speak. all i could do was nod, the lump in my throat making it impossible to say anything.

she stayed for a while after that, talking about nothing and everything, her presence a balm to the ache i didn’t even realize i’d been carrying. by the time she left, the weight on my chest felt a little lighter, the world a little less daunting.

as i lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, i couldn’t help but think about what she’d said. about not being alone.

she was right, of course. i wasn’t.

because as long as y/n toizer was around, i knew i could face whatever life threw my way.

and for that, i’d be forever grateful.

© MINA LEIGH 2023 - 2024

. . . prologue you’re here! sodapop curtis ponyboy curtis

dallas winston johnny cade steve randle two - bit matthews

[alyjojo]

February 🌠 2024 Monthly - Pisces

Preshuffle: Something from the past is on your mind, could be the way something has gone, it’s not how you wish it could’ve gone, you’re left dissatisfied and unhappy. Because of this restlessness & discontent, you’re ending whatever is connected to this and starting over in another direction.

Meditation: You were a fish, swimming erratically in front of me. Left, right, up, down, circles, never in a pattern, never making much sense. You then had a Dory moment 😆 where you turned around, looked me dead in the eye and said STOP FOLLOWING ME! Then it all made sense, but my intentions were harmless. I thought you knew. There could be a miscommunication with something that makes you feel defensive (or watched?).

Main energy: 9 Swords

This is a card of rumination, intense stress and worry, which is something that can happen as a trauma response, 5 Pentacles & The Tower clarify, and 10 Swords is the first card out. Trauma. Everyone has fears & worries, and then there’s this level of fear, it’s beyond normal levels of anxiety. Where you are on the scale of “it’s some stress I have to deal with” or “I’m fucking traumatized” will differ for all of you. Some of you may start taking action towards counseling, learning about & prioritizing your own mental health, and things that are or have affected you negatively. You may have dealt with a sudden loss, betrayal, 10 Swords in the back, and what’s left is…anxiety, fear, abandonment issues - which I hate that phrase because “issues” sounds so demoralizing. You’re either replaying painful situations in your mind over and over again - a trauma response, or you’re terrified something is going to happen (again?) that puts you into this place. You can’t trust yourself or others around you, 5 Wands at the bottom shows conflict, competition, you feel like others are out to get you, along with inner conflict. STOP FOLLOWING ME! It’s possible someone has lost a job unexpectedly, or some financial disaster has occurred, and all of this is regarding finances, debt, struggling to pull it together, to pay bills, or whatever this is, it was unexpected and you’re panicking. Some of you are having problems sleeping, because of the song that came on as I started this. If not sleep, mental rest. Calm. Peace. It’s hard to come by.

What’s going on in February:

10 Swords:

A very painful ending, often in betrayal, if this guy saw it coming then the swords would be in his chest, but they’re not. King of Swords could be someone that’s done this you, possibly an air sign, or he can be an ex of any sign - just emotionally disconnected. The High Priestess in this case seems to be communication that’s gone silent, silent treatment, making plans or taking actions behind your back maybe, in regards to 10 Pentacles, which is your solid foundation no matter which it is - work or love. You feel this is built out of bricks, on solid ground, you’re safe, but it turns out it was sand and everything has given way. Swords in the back, the end. It could be a boss, someone you work/ed with, someone in your family, or someone you built a family with. Some of you may be this King, needing to separate yourselves emotionally from someone or something that’s caused you pain, and the act of having to do that at all is also painful, like why can’t people just fucking act right? 💜

Knight of Cups:

Pisces energy, this feels like you. Knight of Cups is soft, kind, a little naive and in love with love, he takes action towards the things he cares about, sees the best sides of everyone and the glass as half full, because he fills it up himself, to offer someone else. Over idealistic, yes, but refreshing nonetheless. 4 Cups clarifies, which is the energy from the preshuffle. Something has taken forever, you’ve invested who knows how long into something or someone, over and over again, chance after chance after chance. King of Cups at the bottom could show years, you’ve grown a lot. Or this is a situation that will push you towards growth, seeing what’s been unconscious because *idealism*. Some of you may have been holding back feelings for years, like biting your tongue. Say Uncle Howard is a fkn racist and you just put your head down and have waited for him to shut up, but you just can’t do it anymore. Or you’ve worked for a company for years and they decide to lay off the whole department. Could be love too, being Cups. You’re disappointed in yourself, how much you gave & how little was received from whatever this was.

7 Pentacles:

This card is literally putting in effort, in farming terms you’ve worked an entire field for months, planted all of your seeds, and now it’s just time to wait…will it grow? This is regarding a connection, 2 Cups is romantic love, or it can be a deep connection with someone. Family. If this is someone at work, you felt like you had something solid with them, they were “your guy”, trust was established. Maybe they held back though, and you didn’t see it or feel it, because there’s an energy of you kicking yourself, “I should have known”. There’s definitely a severing of ties, releasing yourself from something that isn’t giving you what you’re giving. Some of you are waiting or have waited to see which road you’re going down. Is there 2 Cups here? Or is it time to go? Either way I saw a new beginning for you.

Knight of Swords:

Someone is speaking some truths that cut right to the heart of the matter, cutting though bs, I’m not sure who exactly, but there is an apology coming in about confusion surrounding real potential, a lack of money, a lack of a job or equal effort. There are a lot of options, but it’s hard to cut through the smoke & mirrors and figure out which opportunity is real and what’s just fancy bullshit with spray paint 🎨 There are so many scams nowadays, especially if job hunting is included in this story. You may get a severance package but you’re not sure if it’s enough to live on, again you’re freaking out about this. If a relationship, because of 10 Swords, you may have been with/working with someone who entertained all sorts of people with nonsense and left you wondering about their motives, feelings, and plans, in which case you’re this Knight of Swords cutting through their bs. It’s possible that a contract is being broken, and having to pay a good deal of money with that is an issue.

8 Pentacles rev:

Not working on a relationship, a literal job, there’s no progress, and there could be a lack of effort too - if that’s the case then you’re being called out for it, or the one calling out, some of you are unable to move forward until something happens. An interview or opportunity. Someone gets their shit out of your house. Being able to pay something off because right now you can’t. Filing for unemployment. If it’s possible to make things progress, you need to try, don’t just give up. Some won’t have a choice but to deal with delays, unable to move forward until something comes in. The Magician rev & The Devil at the bottom, you could feel like you’ve been literally tricked by The Devil, or in someone’s case, you could be fooling yourself into staying stuck to something that’s toxic. But with no progress there’s no healing, you just stay stuck, ruminating, worrying, obsessively thinking - 9 Swords. Once you’re in this Fool energy, moving into something new, this won’t be the same anymore. Divine timing is very important here, but things are working out how they’re supposed to. You’re in the thick of battling The Devil, but it leads to a new beginning, have faith you will know what you need when you need it, and not before, there’s also a lack of control being shown - that’s The Devil. Some things are out of your hands, you can only do what you can, just focus on that.

As I was putting away cards, like they do sometimes, I got a final message that when change happens, it’s going to be fast. Probably not this month, and divine timing is at play, but *something* is at play. You’ll be inspired in some way, and things move fast.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Heavy Gemini & Virgo, Scorpio, Taurus & Cancer

Oracle: ✨

30 Divine Timing ⏱

How often do you feel that you want things in your life to change NOW? Not two years from not, not even two months, but: Right. This. Instant! Seldom do we see the whole picture of why our lives are unfolding the way they are. We don’t need to. What we need to do is surrender to the way things are right now. This doesn’t mean to not take action when a situation is untenable. What it means is to let your life unfold before you so that you have access to all the information, all the lessons, and all the people you will need to go where you are headed. Divine timing is at work in this situation. Try not to fight it. Instead go within during meditation and ask the questions you want answers to: “why not now?” “how can I best prepare myself?” “what lessons do I need to learn prior to the change I want to see?” You will get answers.

We enter into February as:

Gold Coins 💰

“I only seek to give you what you ask for.”

Gold Coins gently asks you to look at your relationship with money. Money doesn’t care where it goes. It naturally goes toward appreciation and gratitude. What we do with our own abundance makes the difference. Are you blaming something on money? Are you running from it? Be wary of using your financial situation as an excuse to avoid doing something you love to do. Are you questioning a relationship or career that is hitting a rocky time? It may be time to look for the good in it. Remember there are two sides to every coin. What you desire may currently be manifesting. Great riches are waiting for you to use them. You can ask the universe for riches or poverty, the universe doesn’t care, only you can change your inner experience. “Things” only hold value when we think they do. If there were no money, it didn’t exist, what else would you do? What else would you focus on?

What is to be learned in February:

She Shaman 🧝🏾‍♀️

“I will guide you to your muse.”

She Shaman whispers to you “Do not be like the old birch and wait for anyone else to tell you of your muse. Connect with it!” This is your destiny calling. The path you have chosen is an artistic one. The universe is waiting for you to begin your dance and express your love in a tangible art form. The time is now, the moment has arrived, it is a time for decisions to be made. Dance! Rejoice! Do not seek council outside of yourself to confirm what you know to be true inside. Do not wait for permission to act. You must trust your instinct and act from the voice within. Let go of any need for approval, your answers are within. You will not be alone, Spirit is with you.

Maroon/Wine may be a lucky color ❤️💜

[limeade-l3sbian]

Dunno if it’s okay to sad rant here?

I have two cats, and while getting two wasn’t part of my initial plan, at the time when they were kittens, they were the last of their litter and separating felt wrong to me. I was also in a vastly different financial situation back then so it was not an issue at all. Even though getting two cats weren’t the plan, I can easily say they are both my most consistent boosts of happiness. I love them with all my heart. They have vastly different personalities and quirks and yet they are also both exceedingly funny and charming. Unfortunately one of the sisters have a poorer health than the other. Nothing fatal, thankfully. She simply needs foods and necessities that are more than twice as expensive as the other, to help her with this. With that it’s perfectly manageable and nothing that could endanger her.

My issues comes with my financial situation. It has changed drastically due to a lot of outside forces. And now i’m severely struggling with even just meeting the bills just for living where i am. What was previously more expensive for one cat is now an intense stress factor. I obviously can’t just stop giving her the things she needs. But I also can’t see a future with the way things are going.

So I’ve made the, to many probably, brutal decision to part ways with her. Within the next month or so Im gonna have to find her a new home, a place where I know for sure all her meets can be met without her new owner getting grey hairs over it. Obviously till then i’m still gonna live even more sparingly to meet them too for her. But I feel like such a sack of shit. I love her with all my heart and now I can’t even be her mom anymore. And she’s probably the one that’s most attached to my hip, so my heart is breaking even more both for her and myself. I fear she will have a horribly tough time adjusting to someone else and getting properly attached. She’s a lot more reserved towards strangers than her sister. I just want her to be happy. And I know in the long run I can’t fulfill that anymore, because eventually they will get old and will need much more frequent vet visits besides the yearly check up vaccine and tooth rinse. What if she develops more health issues, ones that are life or death situations? Then it won’t matter that I love her as much as I do, that won’t pay the vet bills. I stress constantly over this thought.

While I can intellectualize my decision to re-home her, I really do feel like I’m committing an immense betrayal.

First, I'm so sorry, anon. Growing up, I had to give up two different pets after we were too poor to take care of them. I know how painful it can be to become so close to a pet just to have to give them up.

But for your guilt, I think you should feel nothing close to a betrayal. The most compassionate thing you can do as an owner is realize when your situation cannot give them the life they need and make that hard decision. Does it hurt like hell? Does it feel like you are ruining their lives? Does it feel like you will never get over it? Oh god, yes. That's the worst part about a hard moment.

But ultimately, the long term of your decision will bear more fruits than keeping her and feeling shame when you cannot feed her or tend to her medical issues. You can absolutely feel sad and bad and everything in between. But just know that being able to realize what is best for something under your care is far stronger than it might feel in the moment. <3

[luniibelieves]

Speaking Through the Silence: How God Expressed My Feelings to My Mom

Whenever I'm with my mom, I make sure she doesn't have to spend a dime—I take care of my share of the rent for the room I occupy, meals, household necessities and other expenses. Also, if she's facing accumulating bills or debts, I contribute as much as possible to help her stay afloat. Plus, she's got my uncle who takes care of the full rent, and my brother, who assists with her phone bill and car insurance when he can.

Mom: Ugh, I’ve got a ton of bills coming up, but no money to cover them. Me: Where is all your money? Have you been going to the casino again? Mom: *went ballistic* WHAT EYES DID YOU SEE ME GO HUH?! I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE CASINO! Me: Parx Casino would not randomly send mail home with your name on it if you had not visited. Mom: My, my friend took me! And he gave me HIS MONEY to spend! Me: Who can say if he didn't invite you again, or if you'll use your own money after spending his? All I know is that you keep saying you're out of money. What's the reason for that? Mom: THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER! I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NO MORE!

I was frustrated trying to address how her gambling and financial decisions affect us. Her emotional reactions and interruptions made me drop the topic to avoid conflict.

Later that night, I dreamed I was arguing with her about the same issue. Surprisingly, I spoke Vietnamese fluently in the dream, whereas I struggle with words in reality since she doesn’t understand English. I woke up suddenly, still speaking the words from the dream, which startled me. Overwhelmed with frustration, I began to cry and then prayed:

"Father, I’m unsure how to handle her situation. I’m exhausted from using all my money to cover her debts and bills. My own savings are depleted, and I can’t make progress in life. Talking to her only leads to yelling. But I’m placing it all in Your hands now. I refuse to let it stress me any longer. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

Two days later, I took her to her favorite restaurant, where she knows one of the senior employees. It was a quiet day, so he joined us at our table. While I focused on my meal, he and my mom talked about mutual friends. She shared a lot about various topics, and then, quite suddenly, the conversation turned to someone with a gambling problem!

Him: He has a job, but when payday comes, he spends all his money at the casino and ends up losing everything: his house, his car, and his family. I just can’t understand why people gamble away their hard-earned money. Mom: *quiet* Him: Not only does it ruin their life but also damages their relationships with family, friends, and those around them. Mom: *quiet*

I couldn't believe it when, in that unexpected moment, he voiced almost everything I'd wanted to say about gambling. I struggled to hide my smirk, while thinking to myself, "Yassss! Keep it going, sir!" Lol. It was a moment of silent triumph.

Him: When I have spare funds, I buy inexpensive vacant land, pay minimal annual taxes, and, if I can’t sell it, I plan to pass it down to my children for their benefit. Me: Interesting! It’s a smart strategy—when large companies eventually buy the land for business or development, they often offer more than what you paid. Plus, you’re building generational wealth for your children. I love that! Mom: *quiet*

When I got home, I retreated to my room, filled with joy and gratitude. I offered heartfelt prayers, believing that God had heard me and acted on my behalf. It seemed He moved that man to share a message that echoed my own thoughts and encouraged her to consider investing instead of wasting her resources. While I’m unsure if this will lead to any change or if she’ll heed the advice, it was incredibly comforting to have my unspoken words voiced by another, without the fear of being dismissed. This experience has strengthened my decision to follow God's path more closely, as I’ve felt His profound influence in my life.

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

God cares deeply for us and is willing to bear our burdens. We are encouraged to cast all our worries and anxieties upon Him, knowing that He is able to handle them and provide us with the strength and comfort we need. It is a beautiful reminder that we do not have to carry the weight of our worries alone; we have a God who is ready to help us.

[reaching-ruchnius]

Since we started eating kosher we order and do takeout food from out much much less (like twice a month down from 1-2x per week.) so our groceries bill naturally has gone up quite a bit, and it isn’t the cost of the kosher food because the only thing that’s really a significant increase is meat and we have only had 1 meat meal per month at our house the past 2 months (it just isn’t something we feel we need more often. We eat fish a lot now. And it’s easier this way) so it isn’t that we’re buying more expensive food items, I’m pretty sure. I didn’t grow up with any type of budgeting knowledge, education or experience. I kinda thought of food as something that was always a “justifiable” expense so not something to worry about the budget, cus you can always be frugal elsewhere like buying secondhand clothes and not buying expensive cosmetics or other luxury items. I realize that’s a privileged outlook. Tbh I do have ADHD in the way that, just getting everything into the house that I need to create cohesive, nutritious, enjoyable, kosher meals feels like a miraculous accomplishment for me. Like it’s a lot for me I know it sounds basic. But I have recently been struggling with huge guilt over the price/cost of groceries. Idk if we are spending more or the same or less on food overall cus as I said, I never had the wherewithal to budget for that. I always just figured we’d be ok and so far we have been but that’s kinda a scary way to go about things. I’m always questioning what I can afford. And the fact that I don’t contribute financially really makes me worry because it’s so much all on my husband and Ideally I want to do everything I can to negate the stress. But I haven’t honestly done much work toward that in this specific regard (I have been successful in saving money in other arenas, such as not buying many new items and making do w what we have, mending things when they break instead of replacing)

Idk it’s a combination of things. When I was growing up, I remember buying normal sized packages of food items for like less than $2 and now it feels like no single package of food is less than $4.75 at the store (I’m exaggerating there but really, when did bread become $6? When did a box of Oreos become more than $5? Maybe I just didn’t pay attention until recently but everything feels too expensive..)

Not to mention the time expense of cooking, but of course I’m so so happy to do it. But it is something I cannot help but to factor in because whenever I’m doing a sustained task like that, my kids are likely missing out on my attention for a bit and it can be distressing for all involved. I’m just trying my best and I’m pretty sure we are doing ok but how do people afford to do all this and also have lots of kids and then send them all to the Hebrew day schools 😭 when I first started having kids I was determined I would homeschool them but more and more I’m realizing Hebrew day school would be ideal in many ways. But like, how on earth to afford such a thing? And camp? And yeshiva and college? Like. Where is this money coming from … and when I do go back to the workforce how am I going to manage the household to the standard I want …? Just how 😭 idk idk. I’m having a lack of faith moment I guess because it has all worked out in the past so , I should just do my best and realize that things will be ok.

I’m having like these racing guilt and anxious thoughts. Idk why…

It is for sure time (overdue acrually) for me to make a groceries budget. I know that.

[forcebook]

Hi, MJ, just saw your notes about being neurodivergent and mental health and trying, and i just wanted to add to that. I’m not autistic but I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was a teen and only just recently found out, in my early 40s, that what i thought my whole adult life was just me being LAZY and UNMOTIVATED and GENERALLY BAD AT ADULTING is probably me having executive dysfunction. I mean, i’m still a procrastinator at heart, but when i can’t bring myself to do THE THING even though i know i HAVE TO DO THE THING and every moment i spend NOT DOING THE THING fills me with anxiety? That’s my brain fucking me over.

I’m a public servant and my department has been very big on mental health since COVID and mandatory telework. But the message is always the same : you gotta eat well, sleep well and exercise. Like it’s that easy, like self-care doesn’t take a huge amount of effort when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. Doing anything is hard for me because i have zero motivation and i can’t relate at all to things like Being Disciplined and Feeling Accomplished. Even things i enjoy! I’m behind on series i want to watch because i just can’t bring myself to press play and sit there and watch. So i rewatch the same series over and over again.

So my self-care is doing my best and trying not to compare myself to others. I get my work done on time (even if sometimes i have to get up earlier because i wasn’t productive the day before), i shower at least twice a week, i eat a vegetable a day. I pay my bills and my taxes. I vote. I’m not a danger to myself and/or to others. I’m alive. I’m alive. So if it takes me a week to unload the dishwasher and to load it up again with the week’s worth of dirty dishes, if i never fold my laundry, if i buy soup instead of cooking for myself, who the fuck cares?

Neurotypicals don’t get it, they don’t understand why we can’t just DO THE THING (like my dad, who loves me very much, but does not understand why i can’t just ‘cheer myself up�� when i ‘feel sad’). They don’t understand that in order to implement the tools (clean eating! sleep! exercise!) that might help us cope we need to have the motivation and the energy and the resources (therapy is fucking expensive!) to even try to make the effort. ‘It’s not that hard’ YES IT FUCKING IS.

So i just wanted to say, i see you, i understand your struggles, they are valid and so are you. I hope the people around you appreciate you and your efforts. I hope YOU appreciate you. Because you rock. Sending you lots of love. 💖

hello friend!!! i feel you. i suffer of severe executive dysfunction and honestly it just keeps getting worse which consequently makes me even more anxious 😩😩

exactly!!! eating well, sleeping well and exercising can definitely help you improve but when your brain simply refuses to do those tasks, it’s hell. and honestly, people who don’t live in a constant fight against their own brains have NO idea how it is. only the ones who know the struggle know what it takes to do the most basic things.

beloved :( i understand your struggles. i know i’m just a stranger running a silly little blog on tumblr dot com but i really do understand. i can motivate myself with fiction sometimes but real life? it’s just not for me and some days i feel so lost and yet so overwhelmed by how lost i feel, that it sends me into deep depressive episodes. i mean, i’m not clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety but fuck if i haven’t struggled with those bitches my entire life.

(i have been thinking of getting a diagnosis and i thought about asking my dad for some financial help and you know what my mom said to me, “don’t even bother, he thinks you’re faking it”. i mean, not surprised at all but still a little disappointed.)

and you’re doing great!!! read this very carefully: YOU ARE DOING FUCKING AWESOME!!! you’re taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace and you’re alive and not harming others. that’s just so so so much!!! and i’m proud of you for moving forward despite all the hardships!!!!

oh parents. they might love us but they rarely understand us. and that’s okay i guess. but don’t let that get to you. only YOU know what your brain can and can’t do. it is also NOT your fault that you have limitations, okay?? everyone does!!! we just happen to have more. but you’re not unlovable or a terrible person!!

you’re soooo right!! therapy and diagnoses are ridiculously expensive. at the end of the day, we’re usually alone carrying this massive invisible weight. and nobody can see how hard we try and how much it takes from us!!! sometimes being alive hurts and staying alive is the best we can do but we are still here!! despite everything that nobody gives us credit for. we are still here!!! i still need to work on my self love and acceptance but i don’t take it lightly how much i try to do things and i do appreciate the fact that i’m alive.

thank you SO much for reading my tags, for reaching out and sharing your experiences with me. you are incredible and i wholeheartedly mean this!

i tend to feel very lonely because most people around me don’t really understand me. it’s such an alienating feeling, sometimes it’s like i’m drowning in it. but i also know i’m not the only one who feels like this and your message does comfort me in that way.

so thank you SOOOOO much!!!! sending you lots and lots and lots of love right back!!!! and that you’re able to feel it across the distance between us and have a great week!!!!! ❤️💙

[innocent-delights]

this is a scam please delete your reblog and check out blogs like that before rebloging from them

& here’s how not to inform someone. it takes 2 seconds to look at my page & see i’m clearly not active. as someone who has struggled w pet care before i also don’t assume the worst of ppl & maybe that makes me naive but i decided to boost a post to my more popular blogs to try to help someone. i know we’re in an age of misinformation running rampant but when it’s just a reblog i really do not have the mental capacity to vet every single post on an app i barely ever use anymore, & maybe that does make me the problem but i very much have a life outside of this. i wanted to boost bc that’s all the help i’m able to give anyone at the moment but if i was going to give anyone money i would be a lot more thorough in vetting them & maybe i’m backwards for thinking that idk. but ppl should be checking where their money is going & that’s not really my responsibility bc if someone wanted to pay for someone’s vet bills i would expect them to look into that further than i did bc i am just a dead blog trying to boost things when i can & someone should not be making a financial decision solely on a dead hp blog’s post. even looking at the page i wouldn’t have assumed it was a scam in all honesty, the real owner stepping forward is the only part i understood.

[miss-ddarling]

05/14/2023 4:47AM

Vulnerability after Grief

I’m typing on my laptop, writing notes about different things relating to Spirituality. A topic and feeling I’ve been growing toward. I’m specifically learning more about the third eye and I had a weird thought while smoking my blunt. I always thought that the third eye opening was a specific weird experience. I felt like it would be a That's so Raven moment that would be startling. I also pictured it to be like a Ghost Whisper moment, where I suddenly can see spirits!

However, now that I'm older…

I feel like it’s more of an endless later where you learn more and more and unlearn things as well. Through education (learning) , mindfulness,meditation and opening your awareness. It sounds like a bunch of hippie babble yeah? Well, what I’m trying to say is I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I do feel closer to “peace.”

I am far away from peace when it comes to finances and struggling to have enough food or pay every bill and work just enough. However, mentally…I feel like I've been kicked down so much that there isn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

My dad suddenly passed away the day after I moved to another state to go to college, not be a burden to him anymore financially and so that I could find myself. Instead, I ended up in a relationship with someone who didn’t want a relationship and them living with me. Fights and fights because of misunderstandings, different mental awareness and age gap. I was a girl learning to become a woman in a world that already sees me as such.

I went from being a recently graduated college student moving out to go to another college to further education.. Daddy paying my phone bill and everything..To having life insurance and bills and debt I never knew existed.

You could say I was spoiled. Because I was. He even cleaned for me.

I spoke to my Dad every single day multiple times and the only other person I spoke to weekly was my boyfriend.

So, you can think of how the pressure of all this affected that boyfriend. In my opinion, he felt like he had to take care of me so he put up a front until he couldn’t anymore. Then, would occasionally find himself flirting with another woman online. A lot of men see that i’m mature but they can’t accept and love the flaws that come with me actually being young and neurodivergent.

I’ve survived multiple Suicide attempts, rapes, and child sex trafficking. When I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did.

Where I currently am, is a little over 2 years after my dads death, in my apt with my ex. I’m smoking and doing research about things i’m interested in again. I had to drop out of college the first semester because it was a few months after my dads death and I couldn’t even read a paragraph or type one.

It feels… amazing to be able to write again.

I want to share my life experiences with the world so that someone out there who went through something similar can see that, even if it does get worse…there’s still a way to find peace until it’s consistently great.

I’ll be 23 in a few weeks. I never thought I’d reach 18.

I don’t believe in a god anymore but I do believe that I can use this time on earth to heal other people through being vulnerable and sharing my experiences.

Tomorrow, I could become homeless. I would shrug because even if I was now facing starvation, and other issues relating to it, I would know that I’ve made it so far. I’ve been through so many things where I wanted to die and had to hurt myself to feel anything. I’m raising myself, have no parents and I’m broke in another state with family who’s hurt me more than helped. However, I am not what has happened to me or who has hurt me. I am always shedding the day prior and creating a new skin for what is to come.

I have came too far to back down from anything that wants to bring me down. Even if physically I am not well, mentally and spiritually I will be. I will still be kind. I will still fight my way until I die.

I will not let the dark take the most important thing from me, my mind.

This song is how I’ve started feeling since disconnecting from everything I believed I needed to be happy. To find self love, acceptance and happiness within myself. It’s a bumpy add ride with plenty flashbacks, but it’s still a way up.

If you want to hear part 2 on audio or read it, comment or like❤️

[fincrifblogs]

Real Stories: How Instant Personal Loans Changed Lives

In today’s fast-paced world, financial emergencies can strike at any moment. Whether it’s unexpected medical bills, car repairs, or the sudden need for home repairs, having quick access to funds can be a game changer. Instant personal loans have emerged as a lifeline for many, allowing individuals to address their financial needs without the lengthy approval processes typical of traditional loans. In this blog post, we’ll share real stories from individuals whose lives were positively impacted by instant personal loans, illustrating how these financial tools can bring about significant change.

Case Study 1: Sarah’s Medical Emergency

When Sarah, a 32-year-old graphic designer, faced a sudden health crisis, her world turned upside down. After a routine check-up, her doctor recommended immediate surgery for a condition that could worsen if left untreated. With medical bills piling up, Sarah found herself in a bind.

“I didn’t know how I would pay for it,” she recalls. “My insurance wouldn’t cover the entire cost, and I didn’t have the savings.”

After researching her options, Sarah discovered an instant personal loan online. Within hours, she completed the application and received approval. The funds were transferred to her account the next day, enabling her to cover the surgery costs without delay.

“Thanks to the loan, I was able to get the surgery on time,” Sarah says. “I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, knowing I could focus on my health instead of worrying about finances.”

Lesson Learned

Sarah’s story illustrates how instant personal loans can provide immediate relief during unexpected medical emergencies, allowing individuals to prioritize their health without the burden of financial stress.

Case Study 2: Tom’s Home Repair Dilemma

Tom, a 45-year-old father of two, faced an urgent situation when a severe storm damaged his roof. With winter approaching, he knew repairs were critical to protect his family and home. However, the cost of the repairs was steep, and Tom didn’t have the savings to cover it.

“I was worried about how I’d manage. I couldn’t let my family live with a damaged roof,” Tom shares.

After discussing his situation with a friend, Tom learned about instant personal loans. He applied online, and within a few hours, he received the funds he needed to hire a contractor.

“The loan made all the difference. I could get the repairs done quickly, and my family was safe again,” he explains.

Lesson Learned

Tom’s experience highlights how instant personal loans can help homeowners tackle urgent repairs, ensuring the safety and comfort of their families.

Case Study 3: Lisa’s Educational Pursuit

Lisa, a 28-year-old aspiring nurse, dreamed of advancing her career but faced financial hurdles. After enrolling in a nursing program, she quickly realized that tuition, books, and supplies were more expensive than anticipated. With limited funds and no family support, she felt discouraged.

“Dropping out was not an option for me, but I didn’t know how to pay for everything,” Lisa recalls.

After researching her options, Lisa discovered an instant personal loan tailored for education expenses. She applied, and within a day, the funds were in her account. This loan allowed her to cover her tuition and necessary supplies without having to put her education on hold.

“I felt empowered to continue my studies,” Lisa says. “Now, I’m on track to graduate, and I can’t wait to start my career as a nurse.”

Lesson Learned

Lisa’s story shows how instant personal loans can provide educational opportunities for individuals who might otherwise struggle to finance their dreams.

Case Study 4: Mark’s Business Venture

Mark, a 37-year-old entrepreneur, was eager to expand his small bakery but lacked the capital to do so. He had a loyal customer base and a strong business plan, but traditional lenders were hesitant to provide funding without extensive documentation and long wait times.

“I felt stuck. I had a vision, but no way to finance it,” Mark explains.

After learning about instant personal loans, he decided to give it a shot. The application process was straightforward, and he received funds within 48 hours. With this loan, Mark was able to invest in new equipment and hire additional staff.

“Thanks to the loan, my business is thriving. I couldn’t have done it without that quick support,” he shares.

Lesson Learned

Mark’s journey emphasizes how instant personal loans can help small business owners seize growth opportunities, enabling them to bring their visions to life.

Conclusion

The stories of Sarah, Tom, Lisa, and Mark demonstrate the transformative power of instant personal loans. These financial tools can provide quick relief in emergencies, help families address urgent repairs, enable individuals to pursue education, and empower entrepreneurs to expand their businesses.

While it’s essential to borrow responsibly, the right instant personal loan can be a lifeline for many. As these testimonials show, having access to quick funds can not only solve immediate problems but also pave the way for a brighter, more secure future. If you find yourself in need of financial assistance, consider exploring instant personal loans as a viable option to help you navigate life’s unexpected challenges.

[whorelyyy]

Can I just pretend this isn't happening?

The next day, Raz couldn’t avoid it any longer. She woke up to find a voicemail from Elena and even more texts. Her heart pounded, wondering how Elena was feeling after last night. What if she was furious? Or worse, disgusted? But when she finally opened the messages, the last one just read: "Can we talk?"

Taking a deep breath, Raz typed a quick reply: "Yeah, let’s talk."

Moments later, her phone rang. Raz's heart raced as she answered. "Hey."

"Hey." Elena’s voice was soft, uncertain, but calm. "I just wanted to say... I’m so sorry you had to see that."

Raz let out a shaky breath. "Honestly, I was mortified. I didn’t know what to do, so I just... left."

"I figured. God, Raz, I am so sorry." Elena sounded genuinely embarrassed. "There’s something I need to explain, and I really don’t want you to think less of me."

"I’m not here to judge you," Raz said, her voice gentle.

"Okay." Elena hesitated for a moment before continuing, her voice quieter now, like she was weighing each word carefully. "So you know I work as a bottle girl at the club. But... I also do some, uh, other work on the side."

Raz blinked, unsure where this was going.

"A few years ago, some of us—me and a couple of other girls from the club—got approached by a group of guys who were looking for... hookups, and they were willing to pay. Well. Things have just kinda grown from there." Elena paused, and Raz could feel her discomfort even through the phone. "It wasn’t something I’d ever thought about before, but... honestly, it’s helped me a lot financially. We set boundaries, rules, and everything’s consensual. But you weren’t supposed to find out like that. It’s not something I’m ashamed of, but it’s also not something I want people just walking into without knowing what’s going on. That’s why I’m mortified that you found out like this."

Raz was silent for a beat, processing. The shock was there, yes, but she wasn’t disgusted or horrified like Elena thought she might be. Instead, her mind was a jumble of curiosity, understanding, and... something else. "Okay," Raz finally said. "Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me."

There was a pause, and Raz could hear the relief in Elena’s voice as she responded. "Thank you for being so understanding. Honestly, I was scared you’d never want to talk to me again."

Raz chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood. "Nah, you’re not getting rid of me that easily." She hesitated, then added, "Maybe next time, though, I’ll text before I just walk into the dressing room."

Elena let out a small, relieved laugh. "Yeah, that’d be good."

They both went quiet for a moment, the awkwardness slowly dissolving.

Raz shifted in her chair, a question forming on the tip of her tongue. "So... are you happy doing it?"

"Yeah, I am," Elena said honestly. "It’s not for everyone, but for me, it’s been freeing in a way. Also doesn’t hurt that I don’t have to worry about rent or bills anymore."

Raz couldn’t help but feel a little tug of envy. She’d been struggling with money for a while now, and hearing how secure Elena was made her curiosity spike. A small part of her wondered what it would be like to not have to stress about finances all the time. But then she remembered the message she’d gotten after that drunken post—someone offering her a way out of her loneliness. Her mind flashed back to that, and she found herself pondering it. Could she ever...?

No, she shook the thought away. That wasn’t her. Was it?

Her phone buzzed again, pulling her out of her thoughts. It was a message from Erick: "Hey Raz! Board game night at my place? 7 PM. You in?"

Raz smiled at her phone, feeling a warmth spread through her chest. "I know last night was... a bit unexpected," she said with a light giggle. "But I’m really glad we talked. And thanks again for hooking me up with those tickets. It means a lot. Actually, before I barged into the dressing room, I met a really nice guy—Erick."

"Ooh, Erick, huh?" Elena teased, her playful tone signaling the tension between them had eased. "Sounds like fun."

Raz grinned. "It’s just friends, so don’t get any ideas. But, uh, he just texted me about hanging out."

"Uh-huh, sure," Elena laughed. "Well, have fun! And thanks for being cool about... everything."

"Of course," Raz replied. "I’ll see you soon, yeah?"

"For sure."

After hanging up, Raz stared at Erick’s message for a minute, her heart doing a little flip. She liked Erick—a lot—but she wasn’t ready for anything more than friendship. Still, the idea of hanging out with him and his friends sounded like the perfect distraction after the whirlwind of emotions from the past day.

She typed back a quick reply: "I’m in! See you at 7."

Raz leaned back, feeling a mix of relief and excitement. In the back of her mind lingered that message from the anonymous stranger. What if?

[guess-my-next-obsession]

Redefining Home

pairing: din djarin x f!reader

rating: M (tense relationship with parents, feelings of inadequacy, mentions of depression, din being the most soft!boy ever)

word count: 1.7k

welp this is just completely self indulgent since i’m a 24 year old student still living at home w my very texan/conservative father that will never admit that abuse can also be verbal, emotional, and financial. anyways, din is the comfort character i always go to for self indulgence. enjoy!

din masterlist

Your hand ached as it gripped the rough handle of the duffel bag, your feet trudging through sand as you left town, teary eyes pointed south. You’d left in such a hurry that you’d forgotten the scarf that you typically wrapped around your head to keep the dust and scorching heat from the suns off you, now feeling the consequences of your haste.

The day had started out as most—a quiet, agreed upon silence as you stirred awake mid-afternoon, the effects of this ever-looming dark cloud above your psyche beginning to take its toll again. There was always an inkling before it happened—like the faintest smell of rain before a storm or the slightest quake before the earth began to rattle beneath your feet. One moment you were scrubbing dishes in the sink, the next you were in a shouting match with your father, the two of you trading verbal stabs to each other’s hearts over and over.

You’re wasting the life I worked so hard to give you…I work myself to the bone to be able to provide for this family…You’re ungrateful…Disrespectful…Remember who pays the bills next time you want to call me a bad father.

His growled shouts were nothing compared to your low blows, your tears holding themselves back and allowing your rage to take over.

He never once stopped to think about why you were wasting away in your bedroom. Never accepted the blame for his absence, veiled by his proud declarations of being the best provider he could be. Constantly through your dependence on him in your face when no other insults landed the way he’d hoped.

It must’ve been a hard thing for him to wrap his mind around. One minute you were a little girl, the spitting image of himself, desperate to earn her father’s company and affection, the next you were a foul-mouthed, rage-filled, free thinker ready to spit back venom just like he always did. He must’ve not realized you’d been watching him so closely growing up, but now it was clear that you hadn’t just been studying his tactics—you’d been improving on them.

After it all became too much, the rage slowly building into a deep, aching sorrow for the little girl inside you that still so desperately craved her father’s love, you rushed into your room and packed away the pile of clothes you hadn’t had the energy to deal with in the corner of the room. Your hands shook as you struggled to find your necessities and anything you thought might be of value in case it got bad enough that you’d have to sell them.

He tried to call your name as you walked out, always ready to kick you out until he saw you actually doing it. You didn’t listen. You knew this story well enough by now to know that this would never change. He would never change.

But there was one man you could always count on. One man that gave you hope that there were still good things in this world.

Din Djarin.

He was warm, and soft, and attentive, and Maker did he care about you. You couldn’t count the amount of times you came running to his tiny fortress in the desert seeking comfort, seeking shelter, seeking him. He never wanted you to leave once you arrived, at times begging you to just stay and get away for good, but you could do that. Couldn’t and wouldn’t rely on another man so heavily—not even one that you loved and that loved you back.

But this was different. This argument felt…final.

“Mesh’la?” He asked as you finally reached the edge of his land, Din outside welding a speederbike, his child sitting on the sand beside him. He took one look at your state and you could hear a deep, sympathetic sigh escape through his modulator. “Come here.”

He tugged you into a hug, his armor cold and bulky, the flight suit beneath it smelling of oil and metal, but the way his touch flooded your senses with comfort easily made up for it.

At the sound of your sobbing into his neck, he pulled back, cradling your dust-covered cheeks in his gloved hands, swiping the dirt away along with the tears.

“Come inside, let’s take a bath.” He ordered, your head nodding in his hold before he let go, picking up his child before returning his touch, his hand on the small of your back as he walked you inside. “Here, let me take your bag.”

“Thank you, Din.” You mumbled through a faint and broken voice, causing him to freeze a bit at the sound as he carried your bag into his sleeping quarters.

“Mesh’la, you don’t need to thank me,” he reminded as he returned to the living area, seeing you sat on his tiny sofa with Grogu in your lap, the child’s hand on your face.

He released the pressure of his helmet before slipping it off, setting down on the table before doing the same with his armor, little by little seeming more human and less like the invulnerable man everyone else viewed him as.

Crouching down in front of you, he gave you a soft smile. You reached your hand out to tickle beneath his chin, Din’s bare hand now grabbing yours and pressing your palm to his lips.

“Come on,” He tugged you up by your hand, your other arm cradling the child as you followed him to the refresher. You watched as he bent over the tub to turn on the hot water, your muscles already relaxing at the sound. Din turned back and scooped Grogu out of your arms, ordering you to strip down and get in while he puts the kid down for a nap.

You did as he asked, peeling off your dirty clothes and leaving them in the hamper. With a roll of your neck, you stepped into the shower, the pressure and hot water slowly ridding you of the sand and sorrow you were bathed in. You heard him walking in a few minutes later, making quick work of his layers before hopping in behind you, hugging you tight and peppering your shoulders with kisses. You leaned your head back to rest in the crook of his neck, his kisses traveling to the side of your face.

“Want to talk about it?” He mumbled against you, your head shaking. “Okay.”

“I feel so…inadequate.” You whispered, Din hardly able to hear you even with his ear resting against your cheek. His brows furrowed as he turned you around, eyes searching your sullen face as you peered up at him. “The stuff he said—“

“Doesn’t matter.” He interjected, his voice stern as to drill it in your head.

“But they’re true,” you shrugged, a tear rolling down your cheeks only to be immediately swiped away by his thumb. “I am a waste of life.”

“You’re not—“ He breathed a breath of patience, his eyes closing at the sound of something so self-cruel leaving your lips. He hated thinking that you were actually starting to buy into this. With his eyes opening, he leaned in a bit and held your face in his hands to make sure you were hearing him. “You are not a waste of life. Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever think that. Your life means so much to me, to your friends, to…anyone who has the honor of knowing you. Your father’s words are not law—they hold no weight. Please do not let his broken edges cut you so deep. You don’t deserve it.”

You couldn’t say anything in response, the aching lump in your throat preventing you to speak even if you found the words to convey how much he meant to you. Instead, you pulled him down for a harsh, searing kiss—as though his lips against yours were the bandage to finally close this wound in your soul. He hugged you tight, pulling your face to rest in the nook of his neck while he whispered soft, sweet nothings in your ear.

It was hours later, the suns having set and the cool of the desert now creeping into Din’s home. You laid in his bed, the two of you holding each other, fingers trailing over skin, mapping out each freckle and scar to memorize it by heart. He placed a kiss to the top of your head as you laid on his chest, palm flattening against the warm skin that was the only place on his body to be free from scars thanks to his chest-plate.

“Stay here,” he whispered, running his fingertips up and down your shoulder. “Make this your home.”

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to care for me.” You lifted your head, resting your chin on his peck as you looked at him.

“I don’t feel obligated to help you, I feel compelled to love you. There’s a difference, cyar’ika.” He reminded, his free hand combing your hair back. “Do you feel safe here?” You nodded. “Do you feel loved?” You nodded again, this time giving him a smile. “Do you feel at home with me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then stay. Let this be your home. Let me show you that home doesn’t have to feel so…hard. Let me give you what you’ve always deserved.” You nodded, hardly letting him finish his sentence before you were pulling him down into a kiss, Din’s body rolling you over to cage you in, his kiss radiating affection and devotion. “You’ll stay?”

You watched him pull away, eyes searching yours as he hovered over you. You reached up and stroked your thumb over his bottom lip, voice cracking with absolute adoration as you nodded. “Yes, Din. I want to be home with you. Thank you for—”

“What did I say about thanking me, mesh’la?” He smiled down and pecked your lips one more time. “I love you. Now let’s get some sleep, I know you’re exhausted.”

“Thank y—“ you cut yourself off, chuckling at his eyebrow raise. “I love you too.”

Though the ache in your chest wouldn’t leave overnight, you could feel hope swelling inside of you as you drifted to sleep in his arms. You’d never felt this loved by anyone, never felt so at home before. As you dreamt, your mind painted vivid pictures of a happy life—a life certainly not wasted, a life filled with love. A redefined idea of home, here in Din’s arms.

•••

taglist: @joelmillerscoffee @ajeff855 @wildemaven @axshadows @sherala007 @browneyes-issac @tooflef @mariasabana @tae27 @kimm4710 @stxrrylunatic @paulalikestuff @jbh-castaway @mandomover @chxpsi @marvel-sw-lover @jediknight122 @harriedandharassed @star-wars-fan-2005 @alwaysdjarin @trickstersp8 @idkifimaliveanymore @trinkets01 @chloeinpink @alwaysdjarin @tizylish @jessie-skywalker @come-hell-or-eldren-fire @dindjarinsmut @jlmaddinson @ladyrebel25 @lexloon @awholelottayeehaw @hungrhay @bxmxtx @funnymcfunbunz @graciexmarvel @a-phan-of-youtube @whoodat @laureliciousdefinition (sorry if your tag isn’t working! as always, let me know if you’d like to be removed/added!)

[vannahfanfics]

I just wanna take a moment to express my gratitude to the folks who have commissioned me! Just in the last week, I’ve gotten more commissions than probably the entirety I’ve had them, and it just means so much than y’all know. I haven’t really made this real public knowledge, but part of the reason I am reviving commissions is because I honestly need it. I’m placing the details under the cut, just because I’m not really trying to take advantage of the popularity in commissions to spin a sob story, but just because I want y’all to know what kind of impact y’all can have on a creator when you support them. 

But the point of this post is to express my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has commissioned thus far and those who may yet do so. I’m working hard to get back to the level of content I was putting out pre-medical school, and I know I’ve got a lot to do, but the support from everyone since I started my humble little circle of RarePair Hell means more than y’all could ever realize. One month of the year is already over, and I’m looking forward to creating more wonderful things that you all enjoy! 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

Now, to dive into why I’m compelled to write this little love letter to everyone at all: 

TBH, this third year has been a financial struggle for me; I am living in a rather expensive apartment by virtue of a severe availability shortage where I live, and it was either sign a lease with this place or face a potentially rocky living situation with my parents (details I will not go into here). I am only getting by because I take the maximum amount of student loans I can every year (I am already $250,000 in debt with a year to go, and that is without debt from my undergraduate degree!), and there’s rumors that my rent may increase substantially come August. I can’t afford to move then, and then move again for residency the upcoming year, so I’m pretty much stuck. 

Even with me taking all these student loans, I had to pull the entirety of my savings just to pay bills in the three weeks between the loan checks over December/January because, when divided evenly between the months, these stipends really don’t go far. It is even worse this semester; we get paid one lump sum every August and January, and the balance is not skewed toward the amount of months. The same amount covers August-December (5 months) as January-August (8 months). After bills, to try and put back money to replenish my savings, I am living on pretty much $1000 a month right now. Which, let me tell you, does not go far these days. It’s more than some people have, and I am definitely grateful that I have it. But it’s still hard. 

I have to pay for my boards soon, which will probably be hundreds of dollars, if not over a thousand—for one national standardized test that we have to take to graduate, mind you! Next year will be even worse because the medical school does not pay for any of the travel rotations that we do; all of the expenses are shouldered by us. I don’t know if any appeals for financial aid will bear fruit. I know for a fact that financial lability is going to limit my opportunities, which will in turn limit my opportunities for residency. To say that I am stressing about the future is an understatement. 

I’ve never been the type to ask for money, especially from online strangers, and again, me outlining my recent financial struggles isn’t a ploy to get more. But I want y’all to be aware of what y’all have unknowingly done. Seeing those e-mails from Ko-fi roll in over the last few days has moved me to tears. The fact that people enjoy my writing enough to give me their hard-earned money—when, universally, we are probably all struggling—warms me to my core. Y’all’s commissions gave me the reassurance that I have more to spend on gas or groceries this month, or have a small sum that I can put into my savings to use for traveling next school year, or have a little extra padding if something happens. 

I know I can’t make this into a side hustle like fanartists can thanks to the gray legality of monetizing fanfiction, and I don’t want to lock my regular fanfiction behind a paywall, anyhow. I write for the love of it and to make people happy, not to make money—even if it would be more beneficial to me to do so. Anyway, I know this boom in commissions probably won’t last. 

But for one month, you guys made my life a little easier. Genuinely, thanks for that. You didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t either. And I’m just really full of love right now. 

[dreamsaiilor]

hey pals - i hate to do this but i’m running out of options. my best friend and i have been essentially living together and have been struggling heavily with having enough money to eat. i have a part-time position at an art gallery and my friend volunteers at the gallery but has no income at the moment. all of my money has gone towards paying bills, leaving very little left over for food. in addition, though we’ve been living under my parents’ roof, they’ve refused to give us any financial support and have even criticized us for the food that we have been able to buy. we desperately need help to get through this week at least, and any support would be more appreciated than i can even express.

i’ve linked my venmo and paypal down below. thank you again to anyone who has the spare change to help 🖤

venmo: @xglossx

paypal: @lugilpin

🦋