#I’m making a new playlist called girl crush with wlw songs only and if my parents found out I was bi from that playlist I’d flip

[sadgirlautumn]

I’m always afraid my parents will see my Spotify playlist titles and think there’s something wrong with me

[thefiveavengers]

jester and sexuality/romantic inclinations

so, this is my last day of summer break (actually the day before last, but tomorow is monday) and I decided to put into words what my thoughts about this dicey, dicey subject are. First, these are solely my opinons based on 1) watching the second campaign, 2)watching talks machina and the meta knowledge that comes with that and 3) assuming the players are playing in good faith and are open minded to organic changes that might come to their characters along the way.

and second, I do have my biases, and I come from the following inclinations: I ship lavorregard, and I don’t believe Jester is straight.

That said let’s begin. I’ve written a far amount about the lavorregard ship, but mostly focused on Beau’s feelings and her perspective. Right before the ep that Beau reveals the crush to Nott I wrote the following: “ If I were to put a chronology on Beau’s feelings for Jester it would go something like that: 1)“This girl is cute and somehow I like her way more than I usually like, well, anybody” 2) “This girl is cute and we are… friends???” 3) “This girl is cute, we are friends and I love her” 4) “We are friends, I love her AND I think she is hot” 5) “This girl is hot, I love her and maybe I love her as more than friends?”

But last ep I think it shifted to, “I’m definetely into Jester as more than friends and she’s never been hotter AND I think I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to actually process my feelings regarding that and be open about it.”

And lo and behold, the very next ep we saw Beau actually processing her feelings when talking to Nott. But what about Jester?  

         I’ve seen some people express the idea that “wouldn’t it be galaxy brain if all three cr ladies had independently decided when creating their characters that they are lesbians?” and honestly, while a cute thought, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. In my opinion what happened was, Marisha created Beau as a lesbian and she made sure to make that clear as possible from the get go, and one of the reasons I think she did that is because she entered the campaign looking to avoid a pc/pc romance, since the one she was in in cr1 took such a toll on her. She probably figured it would be a safe bet, playing a lesbian she would shield herself from the male characters and most likely the other female characters would not be interested in Beau, right?

      Enter Ashley Johnson. Honestly I don’t think Ashley had such a clear idea that Yasha was (or is) a lesbian. She had a wife, and from what has been said in canon Zualla was her only romantic and sexual relationship. Now, from what we’ve seen Yasha hasn’t expressed any interest in men, but to be fair she hasn’t really expressed interest in much anybody. She called Jester adorable in the very first ep and she seems to be fond of Beau’s flirtations even if not directly responding to them. The conversation where Yasha has said that she has “seen {Beau} a lot” coupled with one of the songs in Yasha’s playlist has me convinced that Yasha has some kind of feelings for Beau, even if is just a small crush. And I say this as someone who doesnt ship Beau/Yasha. I don’t think they would make a good match, but that doesn’t mean I’d deny either of them having interest in the other. But that doesn’t mean Yasha is for sure a lesbian who would never engage with a men ever. She seems pretty adamant on not having any romantic connections, so its hard to gauge really where her interests lie. She is for sure though a wlw. 

      Now, when it comes to Jester and Laura Bailey that’s when things get complicated. I would assume that most of us that have considered the possibility of Jester not being straight have read the excellent essay on comphet by tumblr user fuzzy-face ( https://fuzzy-face.tumblr.com/post/185001577009/you-make-your-own-fairytale-jester-comphet ), so I’m not gonna rehash what she’s said already. While I do agree almost wholeheartedly with this post, I’ll say this, I don’t think Laura Bailey when creating Jester set out to tell a story of a wlw learning how to overcome comphet. But (BUT!,!) I also don’t think her idea was Jester is totally straight and that’s that! I think she created Jester as a sexually and romantically inexperienced young woman that almost immediately got a crush on Fjord because, among other reasons, he reminded her of a hero from her smut books. 

       Recently, with the new upload of talks to the CR youtube channel, I rewatched this talks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZqJzNj_1tI , which is about the ep a Hole in the Plan, deep into the pirate arc, but before the first big Beau/Jester moment, the conversation they had in the boat on ep 46. First I must express my annoyance  at the fact that Laura and Marisha are the guests and yet at least 80% of the questions are about Fjord. I know it was in his arc, but COME ON! Also I was very surprised by how open they are talking about Fjord/Jester as if it were a done deal alaready. When anyone involved in Talks claim that they don’t do shipping questions, you should show them this ep because it is all about shipping questions. Anyways, Laura clearly states that Jester has a crush on Fjord (at the time at least) and she compares it to a super intense high school crush. So to me there is no refuting the fact that at least at some point Jester had a crush on Fjord. 

    What I do find it interesting is when you compare her answers in that talks to what she said in the most recent talks she’s participated  ( https://youtu.be/_NmZ2b_Q3So ) which seem to at least indicate that Jester has, on a level or another, moved on from said crush. It’s also, the now infamous moment where Laura talks about Jester’s crush...es. We’ll get back to that.

     That’s all good and dandy, but this is meta outside the game. Let’s go analyze actual in-game developments. As far as I can remember (and I’m not an expert in Fjord/Jester, so I might be forgetting something) these are the moments Jester spoke directly or inderectly about her crush on Fjord; when Caleb point blank asked her if she was sweet on him (to which she answered “I don’t know” and let’s keep that in mind); when she talked to nott about first kisses and the best thing she can say about it is that it didnt make her feel dead, and to me the most significant moment; when she asks the traveler  how to make a boy like her. Now, I’ve seen some people band about this as irrefutable proof that Jester IS straight, otherwise she wouldnt be asking the traveler advice about boys, but in this case she wasn’t talking about boys in general, she was talking about ONE boy and that was Fjord. 

      And that’s the crux of the matter isn’t it? Jester has demonstrated sexual/romantic interest in one man and one man alone, and that’s fjord. That does not mean she is straight. It doesn’t even mean that she, if a wlw, is bi. Her crush on Fjord has been wrapped around in all these expectations and I think its hard to parse how much was just projecting, among other things, the romance her parents had. Also, let me comment on how all these developments were long ago, during the pirate arc, over one year ago in real time.

     Jester has commented about Fjord’s appearance and Caleb’s and even pointed out to Reani that hot boi Essek was hot, but its all done very matter-of-factly. And if we are going to talk about Jester commenting on people’s apperances we have to acknowledge how Jester cannot SHUT UP about how she finds women beautiful. From Beau to Nott, from Reani to random shop girl in Uthodurn and her obssession with the Bright Queen in particular its all very in your face. Once someone wanted to argue with me that this is just how straight girls air their insecurities, and even if that’s true and not just misogyny, the only time Jester commented on a woman’s apperance with any kind of insecure note was one time when she compared herself to her mother.  

     Look, the thing is, if we take at face value every comment Jester has made about Fjord’s looks and strenght, we also have to take at face value how distraught she looked and sounded facing the idea that Beau’s new vestiments wouldn’t let her abs show. Is it funny? Yes, but it’s funny for the idea that Jester is very appreciative of Beau’s abs, which, I’m still waiting for the straight explanation if anyone if willing to give me. 

     To end, this goddamned book that I’ve started, the thing that gives me the most certainty that Jester is not straight and that a Beau/Jester romance is not only possible but likely is that I do not believe Laura Bailey is cruel. If she had no interest in exploring the possibility of a not-straight Jester and a B/J romance she wouldn’t been doing what she has been doing for awhile now.

     And what do I mean about that? I mean that even before Beau’s confession there’s been a different dynamic to their relationship. I already mentioned the “but can I see her abs????” incident, but also her encouragement about beau’s qualities and abilities (beau, you’re super strong), using the traveler as a proxy to her feelings (the traveler thinks you’ll do great, the traveler thinks you’re awesome, the traveler loves you), waiting to hold beau when she went up a column and showing disapointment when she didnt fell into her arms, listening to Beau regarding her wanting to confront her dad, being super, and I mean SUPER bummed out when Beau and Reani kissed and took a walk. And after the confession things ramped up.

   Like, that was Laura Bailey listening to the conversation between Nott and Beau, not Jester. She could have had continued to play out their friendship as usual, but that’s not what she did. She used this opportunity to play the romantic possibility as never before. Making sure that Jester shielded Beau’s body in combat, being VERY specific that when her double cured her, she leaned over her body and put her hands to her face and even contradicting Matt, pointing out that when she woke up, it wasn’t the laughing hand that she first saw, but Jester’s face. And then there’s ep 89, the juiciest lavorregard ep since ep 46. It’s romantic comedy set up, one character confesses their love to a third one, and the one character who is the target of that love starts a conversation with “Are you avoiding me? Because I think I know why.” That’s a romantic trope ladies and gents, and Laura Bailey the genius she is played it to perfection. Not being sure why she was so upset about not curing Beau (a sentiment that battle mercy Jester has never expressed before). Wanting to punish Beau’s dad for not treating her right, getting to an agreement after arguing about tarot and molly. Afterwards engaging Fjord in an activity that she usually associates with beau, that goes disastrously and thanks to the dice gods, I could see, in real time the comphet melting away.

And concluding with the fact that she bet 20 extra gold on Beau on the down low.

So coming back to the idea of Jester having crush...es, to me is very clear those crushes are, the one she has/had on Fjord and her new emerging one on Beau. do I think Jester herself is aware of these feelings? Not really, but Laura sure is.

     look this is not about being entitled or acusing anyone of queerbaiting if my ship doesnt pan out. its just, you know, laura’s sister is a lesbian, and I do think that gives people some perspective that they might not have, and I genuinely don’t think she would be playing things as she is, if she didn’t have any interest in playing out to the end.

[lesbianbruabba]

Answer all the qs! Unless theres any you don’t want to do

Mobile so these are ugly sowwy

1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Well I just spent my night watching exurb1a that p much explains it

2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes?

3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I’m pro legalization but if it’s an addiction obviously I’d try and prevent further damage. If it’s well controlled i don’t mind.

4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

I trust too easily so yeah

5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Watching exurb1a, or wanking, or looking at takeouts on Deliveroo

6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my brother or one of my best friends

7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Cry

8:Are you close with your dad?

Fairly close imo. But we have a lot of opposing views and I have to try and overlook those.

9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

No?

10:What are you listening to?

Magic by Coldplay @samrull can suck my dick

11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Cum fanta lemon

12:Do you like hickeys?

YES unless they’re on my boobs then NO bc I used to have like massive ones and I couldn’t sleep on my back

13:What time do you go to bed?

Hahahhahahahaaha you must be new here

14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My mother

15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Yea

16:Do you always answer your texts?

Most of the time unless I’m tired

17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

No

18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Like a few minutes ago with Iza bc I pester her a lot

19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

My little brother and all my best friends

20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I went to bed yesterday morning but my last thought was ‘I love Tom Holland’

21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

No. I don’t think so

22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

No

23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Yes. On the 30th December I was probably hanging out with my brother.

24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

A few. Some are beyond repair, others are just lost chances.

25:In the past week, have you cried?

Lmao. Yeah. A lot.

26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

White with pink and blue argyle patterns

27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

No. I would hate that

28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Probably? Idk

29:Do you have a best friend?

I have 7 bitch

30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

No

31:Who was your last call/text message from?

Iza

32:Are you mad at anyone?

Yeah. Pro lifers.

33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

23? Idk I don’t remember

35:How many more days until your birthday?

Like 3 months minus a bit.

36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Yeah! I’m going to Poland with my mum. Then I’m going home and going to suffer in the HK heat.

37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yes. Two, one is my brother.

38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

No. I’m an open book lol

39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

I don’t think so??

40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No

41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

Depends on the age gap and the ages of the parties involved

42:Are you available?

Yes

43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

1 or 2

44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Nose ring but not septum. On the side of my nose

45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes if they put effort into it

46:Do you regret anything?

A lot.

47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Turbulent is such a good song also I want thanos to raw me

48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

I’ve ghosted a best friend if that counts bc she’s toxic as fuck

49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

No

50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Bc they don’t like me back lmao and also ‘pursuing’ sounds kind of predatory??

51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Not really

53:What was the last thing you ate?

A weird cake that was sweet but I couldn’t pinpoint the flavor

54:Did you get any compliments today?

Yes

55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

June to Poland

56:Do you own anything from other countries?

Yeah I have dolls from Belgium and Poland and Japan and also some trinkets from other places

57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

The majority are girls

58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Tseung kwan o

59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

I don’t drive :D

60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

No

61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No! I’m a good girl uwu

62:Who do you text the most?

Probably Iza

63:What was the last movie you saw?

Endgame but it’s a bad stream of it

64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Don’t have one

65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

No. You asked this question earlier

67:Do you curse around your parents?

Hell nah they’d ground me even though I’m nineteen

68:Are you happy with where you live?

Not really but it’s okay

69:Picture of yourself?

70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Personally I’m monogamous

71:Have you ever been dumped?

No

72:What do you most like about making out?

It’s hot

73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Yes

74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Both?

75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Face

76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Iza or my brother’s gf

77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No

78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

No

79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Dogs

80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

NOPE

81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

No lol have you seen what I look like

82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Depends on who the crush is and who I tell. Usually I tell my brother and maaaaaybe some of my more sensible friends

83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

???????????

84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

Uhh never. I wish I did though that sounds cool

85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Nope

86:How can I win your heart?

Make me a playlist and be honest with me. Also be funny

87:What is your astrological sign?

Leo but I’m more of a cancer

88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating my takeout and watching exurb1a

89:Do you cook?

I make a good risotto and also potato dauphinois. But otherwise no

90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Don’t got one

91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Hells yeah @wlw hit me up

92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

The latter

93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

A nice face. I like older blondes when it comes to women and less muscley men. Generally for everyone, the more feminine the better.

94:Name four things that you wish you had!

Bigger eyes, a boney figure, fluency in all languages, more brain cells

95:Are you a player?

I play the ukulele

96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No

97:Are you a tease?

I plead the fifth

98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Yeah a few and they were all v sweet gals

99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

I don’t know

100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah

101:Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs!!!!

102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I don’t think so

103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes

104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yes!! And I call everyone that except my brother he’s dickhead

105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

No!!

106:Do you flirt a lot?

Depends on who you are and how well you know me

107:Your last kiss?

Last year

108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

No

109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Lmao no

110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

One of the people I’m crushing on probably. Or Zach Grace

111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

No, that’s an interesting question though.

112:Does someone like you currently?

Probably not. Again, refer to picture of me

113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah I always fuckin do

114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious relationships

115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Yes

116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Well I’ve only experienced the former so

Thanks for the questions sorry they’re ugly im also ugly but I’m sure u arent

[literaphobe]

i was tagged by @romanticcstylez !! (legend) 

rulez: list 10 songs you’re currently obsessed with and then tag 10 people

Rough - GFRIEND (i was really into this song like a year or two ago?? but then i randomly thought hey,, i haven’t heard this song in a while so i put it back in my playlist and the rest was history im obsessed again this song makes me feel like im in a field of dandelions and its kinda snowing a lil and i should be dancing and also clocks are ticking THAT BEING SAID the actual meaning of this song title in korean is ‘running through time’ how do u get ‘rough’ from running through time?? wtf man who translated this shit but yeah rough is the official english title and did i mention that this song is about a bunch of girls yearning to tell their crush that they like them but they either keep missing their chance or get too scared BUT in the music video there are no men around?? and at the end all the girls get real happy to see one another and they’re riding bikes and shit anyway i assume its a song about a bunch of girls who are in love with girls but are too afraid to tell them bc wlw cowardice and it makes sense bc the song makes the world out to be a lot tougher and scarier than it would be for a straight couple IN CONCLUSION i like this song and therefore its gay)

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea - Fall Out Boy (FUCK ANYONE WHO DOESN’T THINK THIS IS THE BEST SONG IN MANIA- im just kidding, i mean, it’s the best, but that’s a personal preference for me?? i love this song so much i want it playing always i could listen to only this song forever and i’d probably be okay with that?? like this song is a drum storm and it’s yelling at me and i LOVE it love the yelling v v good there’s also some french?? wordplay shit idk so that automatically makes it sexy it makes no sense yet is also v deep?? is it deep?? who knows. in writing this very pointless explanation as to why i like this song THE ONLY THING THAT’S EVER STOPPING ME IS ME HEY sorry i’ve listened to this song like 3 times already while slowly typing all this out and oh my god it goes so hard!!!!! it goes so fucking hard i love it i love this nice thick and hard song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it deserves a music video im so mad like its so fucking good when mania dropped FOB didn’t give me no warning they didn’t prepare me with a random mv that made no sense and gdi STAY FROSTY ROYAL MILK TEA DESERVES AN MV also im naming a fic after this song word for word hgdfjghadjf i should stop tldr this song makes me feel like i can take on the world i feel so powerful when i listen to it also i listened to it like a fourth or fifth time i think hoo boi) 

The Ballad Of Mona Lisa - Panic! At The Disco (SAY WHAT YOU MEEEAN TELL ME IM RIIIIGHT AND LET THE SUN RAIN DOWN ON ME come ON this song is so fucking good!!!!!! its creepy how good it is it makes no sense in a way but it speaks to me so hard!!!!!! it’s like good!!!!!!!!!! like the bells?? esp in the beginning and throughout the whole song tbh also the drums and like the drum buildup to the chorus was SICK and so was brendon urie yelling in song at the top of his voice that i enjoy recreating i’ll stop here bc i can’t keep fucking making these so long)

Emperor’s New Clothes - Panic! At The Disco (if it weren’t for this song i would have said that the ballad of mona lisa is my fave p!atd song but alas here lies a sick banger!!!!!! got sick lyrics that i haven’t analyzed but it got sick beats!! okay given the way i explain why i like this song it seems like i don’t even like it but i do okay!!)

All Falls Down - Alan Walker, Noah Cyrus, Digital Farm Animals (god i got some weird nostalgia shit attached to this song?? my sister first got me into it when we were on vacation in Finland and the thing is i usually don’t care too much for being abroad like places are just places and no matter how dope or wild a place is i put it into a ‘cool concept’ box and i tuck it somewhere in my mind and at the end of the day i’m glad i had some experiences but i like being at home-- BUT whenever i listen to this song i think about being in the bus in finland and it’s a long ride so it’s quiet but i’m listening to this song as i stare out the window and look at the snow dusted trees that pass me by each of them unique and beautiful and something i can’t help but anticipate;; i think about that time we were in this supermarket and i bought a ton of candy and the song came on over the speakers and me and my sister got so excited i think about how the sun set at 2 in the afternoon because we were deep into winter and i remember holding onto my dad as we drove through a crazy snow that was kinda stormy on this KTV like thing and it felt like there was no one around for miles and we went really fast,,,,, and a part of me feels like i’m there again, i’m still there, yet i’m here and i want to go back?? cold as shit but yeah i always feel Finland™ when i listen to this song so i can’t bring myself to skip it!! also its like a heck of a bop)

Earth - Sleeping At Last (what i love so much about this song is that i discovered it on accident?? i was listening to venus by the same artist at first and then earth came on and when it ended i was blown away. venus is also a good song that has a very sweet beginning but it doesn’t speak to me like this song does which i’ve heard someone say is about global warming?? which is hilarious anyway FAULT LINES TREMBLE UNDERNEATH MY GLASSHOUSE BUT I PUT IT OUT OF MY MIND LONG ENOUGH TO CALL IT COURAGE TO LIVE WITHOUT A LIFELINE I BEND THE DEFINITION OF FAITH TO EXONERATE MY BLIND EYE TILL THE SIRENS SOUND IM SAFE sorry god thats so good i love this song i was playing it one day while we were playing mahjong and the rule is if u win a round u get to play ur music on the speakers until someone else wins and my sister told me ‘do u have to play this song it sounds so depressing’ and god that just made me love this song more bc she’s right it has this Sad vibe but in a way it also goes hard?????)

The Last Of The Real Ones - Fall Out Boy (this song is sadly lower on the list than it deserves to be but thats prob bc i am not as into this song as i used to be STILL it is a VERY good song with a wicked piano beat in the beginning and before frosty dropped this was my favorite song in mania and honestly i’d easily still consider last of the real ones the second best song in mania?? song is very good and i like to think that it’s objectively very good so i don’t think it’s just me who likes it!!) 

Death Of A Bachelor - Panic! At The Disco (THERES A REASON URIE NAMED THE ALBUM AFTER THIS SONG!! its bc it a good song and its just so?? raw?? just pure brandon doin his dope job, pulling those wack vocals and making me go wowza!!)

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) - Eurythmics (i wouldn’t say i’m obsESSED with this song its just i put it on my playlist and i can’t remember why but i like?? can’t skip this song it’s just good and like wow its good) 

Dragostea Din Tei - O-Zone (SHUT UP DON’T JUDGE ME)

anyway i’m so sorry for bein so extra i didnt need to be yet here i am doin a tag game after 28594940 years so here are the people who im forcing to at the very least glance at my bullshit: @chelseperetti @fourdrinkamy @linettithelezbian @distractingchildishmarriage @juliadorable @bisexualinetti @jakeperalta @beatcopjake @startofamoment @proofthatihaveaheart