#I’m kidding you could not pay me to get into a tropical river. Or anywhere close to a tropical river actually

[caterpillarinacave]

The intro to the “Invisible Killers” episode of River Monsters is one of the most entertaining things in this series

[jhe-thecreative-blog]

A Selfless Love

It laid there. It was faced up on the bed, the screen easily visible. I placed it far away from me so that I could take my mind off the situation. I was sitting at the head of my bed attempting to read Paulo Coelho’s By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It was ironic for me to be even reading the book, but I couldn’t help it. It was such a beautiful story. A story of love and all that comes with it. It made me think of my own relationship. It was the complete opposite of Pilar and her soulmate. They were selfless, we were selfish – well, I was selfish.

The screen lit up, and I peeked over my book to see what or who it was. You’re supposed to be giving the silent treatment, I told myself. I am the poster child for lack of self-discipline. I placed the novel down and traveled to the foot of the bed. No new text. The notification was just an email blast from Steve Madden. 60% holiday sale. Was this a sign? Was the universe telling me to heal with heels? I exited out of the email, and went into my Messages app. He was my most recent conversation. I hated Apple sometimes for the way they let you preview the last text. I only wanted to see his name, Jason, with the lipstick stain emoji. Instead, what stood out was the last text he wrote: 

Whatever, man. Do what you want.

That was sent at 10:14 a.m., yesterday. I looked at the time at the top of my screen, it was 2:26 in the afternoon. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon at that. I looked outside my window to see the palm trees bathing in the Sunny South Florida. The tropical red hibiscus flowers danced along with the wind. Jason and I had plans to go scuba diving in Naples. That, for sure, wasn’t happening. I tossed my phone on the floor. Out of sight, out of mind, I told myself. I scooted back to my original location of the bed, picked up my novel, and attempted to get lost with Pilar and her childhood lover in the mountains of the Pyrenees. I was able to get through a few pages. I envisioned Jason and I in the place of Pilar and her lover. We were sitting at a café, having wine and cheese while laughing and being completely honest and open with each other.

I began to feel a knot in my throat, my eyes were beginning to flood with tears. I wanted this for our relationship, but how? I couldn’t even be open and honest with him. I envisioned a fairy tale love, just like any other girl would. I began to wonder what was exactly stopping me from that. Jason loved me, without a doubt. I never had to question his commitment to me. He was perfect. I am stubborn. Jason landed a job across the country in Los Angeles. We’ve talked about moving out of Atlanta. It felt good to escape the realties. Jason was a screenwriter and was hired to be in the writer’s room of an upcoming television series. I, on the other hand, was a teacher. He argued that I can teach anywhere, though this was true, the thought of leaving everything behind was terrifying. So when I hesitated on saying ‘yes’, he took it as a hard ‘no’. I choked. My brain couldn’t compute fast enough to give an answer on demand.

I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone to call or text him. Our argument fueled so much that we started to bring things up from the past. Who sacrificed more for who, who had to pay for who when the other didn’t have a job, so on and so forth. I hated it. I hated myself for purging old history because this was his passion. Ever since we were kids, living across the street for each other, he would pretend he’s shooting a movie. I was always his leading lady. I wanted this for him, I did, but I wanted this for him in Atlanta. I didn’t want to let go of home.

Often, I would find myself jealous of him. He was so courageous and only the courageous lived out their dreams. I settled to be a kindergarten teacher. I didn’t choose that for my life, but I just dealt with the hand I was given. As a young girl, I wanted to sing. I’ve always loved music. I played the piano up until college. Jason had even tried to tie in my musical talents with film. “You can be a music composer for films,” he would tell me. Always optimistic, that’s what I loved most about him. I could never match it. I was so afraid of failing that I just gave up. My parents always wanted me to have a job with some security. If I told them that I wanted to pursue music, they would hound me with a slew of questions. Do you have benefits? PTO? 401k? Life insurance? Vacation days? Pension?

I kept playing yesterday over in my head. From waking up to loving on each other, to me screaming, and him walking out. He’s never been out this long. Usually, he’s back home, we make up, and go back to the regular us. In By the River Piedra, her mate teaches her about saying goodbye to The Other. The Other is your negative, fearful self. The self that is blocking you from your true destiny. The Other will lead you to a life of mediocracy and loneliness. The Other is who I want to no longer be.  I sat on the edge of my bed. My idle mind began to spiral. Is he going to break up with me? Is this it? Six years down the drain? Why can’t he just stay? Why should he? If it was the other way around, would I stay for love or follow my dreams? In all fairness, why should he be held back? Why should my fears hold him back? My fears on my own. Why did I project it on him? He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve him.

I got off my bed and headed to the kitchen. Traces of him rested across the counter. His half-empty cup of orange juice laid there. The emotions began to pour over me. I pictured the morning before in my head. We were cooking breakfast together and talking about the future. He was talking about he will be a big screenwriter turned director, and I was speaking about going back to school for my Master’s in Education Leadership. The conversation then switched to me pursuing music, as a hobby, and maybe leading it to be a potential career. I dismissed it, of course. He went on and on about using the talents god gave us; my life was mirroring Pilar and her lover. From my parents, I had to listen to lectures about job security. From Jason, he wanted me to follow my dreams. My fears were so in control, that I became annoyed anytime Jason brought it up. One time, I even told him that he’s just lucky that he’s able to actually be in a career that he loves. He began to preach about it just having faith and listening to God. I realized that I was being selfish, not with him, but with myself. I was ungrateful and so blind to my blessings. I had a man who loves me so much that he wanted me to follow my dreams so I could be happy. Not just content, but filled with joy. I took that for granted.

I heard my phone ring from the bedroom. I dropped the sudsy cups I was washing in the sink and ran before it went to voicemail. It was an unknown number that I’ve seen before. Bill collectors, I rolled my eyes. After the disappointing phone call, I plopped down on the bed. My body felt weak. My brain was fried. I was depressed. I felt like I’ve lost everything, thanks to The Other. Why can’t I be like Pilar? Why am I comparing myself to a fictional character? I tried to picture myself in Los Angeles. I pictured myself in a beautiful high-rise condo. Jason at the breakfast table, looking out at the view of the city, writing, sipping his coffee—black. I was at my beautiful grand piano that sat in the dining area. We are working on Jason’s first feature film, his directorial debut. I was his composer. I felt myself smile. I could be happy in my love life and in my soul. But what if it doesn’t work out, The Other popped in my mind and depression came back. I sat up and headed towards my bathroom. Showering helped me think.

Another piece of Jason laid on the bathroom floor— his jeans. I cracked a smile. Normally, I would’ve been annoyed at the fact that he completely missed the hamper, but I loved him despite it.  I picked up the pair of jeans and something fell out of his pocket and crashed down on the top of my foot. It hurt like hell. I instantly dropped the jeans to bend over and caress the pain from my foot. I looked over to see what had fell out of the pocket.  And there it was. A square, blue, velvety box. The box. The box that every girl dreams of being presented with. My heart stopped beating. My lungs stopped inflating. The world was still. I’m not sure how I managed to direct my hand to the box, but I picked it up and opened it. The symbol of eternity stared at me. A beautiful princess-cut diamond smiled at me. It managed to twinkle brighter than our dull bathroom lights.

The man who I was madly in love with found me worthy of being his eternity. His partner in life. And here I am, letting fear rip us apart. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve him. I worried about the things that haven’t happened. Jason always said faith and The Universe brought us together. It went over my head because my faith in God diminished due to past relationships.

I ran through the timeline of our relationship from day one. From meeting randomly at the train station because my lesson plans blew away, and him running across the street to pick them up. Even as a stranger, he made my day. He always knew the right things to say when I felt defeated, when I wasn’t sure of myself. He wanted me happy, not just with him, but happy within myself. He’s asked nothing from me, yet given me all of him. And here I was, rejecting the one thing he wanted, my support. I was so ashamed of myself. I felt my soul began to purge. I thought about how my actions are just a projection of my own issues; and how Jason has been there trying to help me through. Yet, he still was going to propose. That meant he had faith in me. So I should be able to have faith in us?

After five minutes of my purge, I picked myself up from the bathroom floor. I needed to tell him that I love him and that I was ready to follow. Not because of the ring, but because I loved him. I headed back to the room and I grabbed my phone; there was a text message from Jason: 

I hate this. Let’s talk.

My heart felt as though it had woken up, I felt a smile on my face. I texted back:

When should I put in my two weeks?

Sohni Mahiwal Love by Ricky Ajnoha 

[until-the-there-is-back-again]

Touring Thailand’s waterfalls, one motorbike rental at a time.

Looking back on my trip so far, I realize that it has become something of a waterfall tour, with some other (amazing) pit stops (I'm looking at you, Cambodia). In the last two weeks, I saw another two of Thailand's many waterfalls, bringing my total to four. I think I've seen more waterfalls in Thailand than at home. There is something about waterfalls that makes me feel hella whimsical. I feel like no matter which way I look at them, I'm always just seeing it the first time - even if I've been there for hours. Every crevice in the rock face, every time the leaves shift in the breeze, every time I disturb the water with my feet or hands, the scene changes and there's more to take in. I've been lucky enough to visit two amazing waterfalls that the public is allowed to swim in as well. To say its been magical is a bit of an understatement.

Khun Si Waterfall, Koh Samui

After my stop in Cambodia, I made my way back to Thailand for a much anticipated two weeks - Niki's visit! It got off to a bit of a rocky start, as I had my dates mixed up and Niki was patiently waiting for me in Chiang Mai while I leisurely wandered around the airport in Bangkok, thinking I wasn't expected until the next morning. Whoopsie! But after a flight change and an almost complete I'm-exhausted-and-stressed breakdown after airport security took my unopened bottle of sunscreen which I stupidly left in my carry-on, I made it back to Chiang Mai!

Niki and I didn't waste anytime getting down to the business of sight seeing. We woke up early on day 1 and saw the elephants! We used a different company than the one I had used back in February, which was nice as it gave me a chance to compare and contrast. This tour had fewer people, which was a plus. There were fewer elephants than last time though, so it balanced out. Everything else was pretty much the same. What I liked about this one was the mini-hike we did, even though the elephants couldn't really tag along for that. After the mud bath and a water fight in the river, we walked for about 10 minutes to this cave-waterfall hide out. Being the dry season, the river was a little weak, but it was perfect because we could stand under the falls. Also, there were little sucker fish in the water which attacked your feet if you stood still too long (like a free fish spa!).

The next day was the (official) beginning of Songkran, which is the Thai New Year. Traditionally, this is the time when families gather and pay respects to elders and temples, through pray and offerings. It's a time for cleansing (Songkran means to pass or move into) and the Thai people will pour water mixed with fragrance on Buddha images, which is believed to bring good luck.

But that's just the beginning. They take the cleansing part very literally and the entire city, the entire country, becomes one big water fight. It varies depending on where you go, but most places do at least one day of full on water fun. Chiang Mai does three! Participating in this festival, specifically in Chiang Mai, was one of my top must sees for my entire trip and let me tell you, it did not disappoint!

Niki and I grabbed water guns (#teamdisney) the night before and hit the ground running. You just walk down the street and as you pass by houses and businesses, they throw buckets of water on, at, and around you. Within seconds we were both soaked. I don't think I've laughed so much in such a short span of time. It was pointed out to me that I was even making pew-pew noises as I sprayed people with water. I just couldn't get over the fact that an entire city and all of its inhabitants were in on this - and everyone was loving it! So many smiles, from devilish little grins from little kids as they targeted you coming down the street, to big, warm smiles of older women as they gently poured water on your shoulders. People piled into the back of pick-up trucks with garbage cans full of water and drove around the streets, businesses filled coolers full, people swam in the river water passing buckets back up to people on the sidewalks - it was mayhem, but so joyous.  

The water itself was a mixed bag. One wave of water was lukewarm, nasty smelly river water, the next was ice cold water from coolers. The best was when you got a shot of both, on either side at the same time. I did briefly worry about getting an eye infection or stomach bug or something from the water, but after walking face first, mouth wide open from laughing, into a tsunami of water and nearly drowning while standing upright, I figured it would all balance out in the end.

Near the end of the first day, Niki and I found ourselves at Wat Phra Singh, one of the temples in Chiang Mai. We wandered around the complex a bit, watching the Thai people perform their New Year rituals. Beside one of the temples there was a line of Buddha statues and we watched as people poured the fragrance water over them all. We also caught one of the parades throughout the city. This one was a succession of Buddha statues in trucks which ended at Wat Phra Singh. People in the crowd would rush forward as the trucks drove by and throw water on their Buddha of choice. There was also some traditional Lanna dancing, which was really cool to see.

After two days of water fighting, we headed down south. I was pretty excited for this, as I had put this area of Thailand off, knowing Niki was coming and she wanted (and deserved) a nice relaxing beach vacay. And these beaches did not disappoint. I've never been down south anywhere, whether its Cuba or the Dominican, so this was my first time seeing tropical beaches. We stopped first at the island of Koh Samui. The sand on Chaweng beach, which was less than five minutes from our hostel, was like butter between my toes, soft and squishy. I don't know if that simile sounds gross to some, but it was amazing. We spent a whole day just sitting in beach chairs, eating fruit, crackers and corn on the cob.

Wow, some pretty cool things happen while I’m normally sleeping (sunrise on Chaweng Beach, Koh Samui).

After two days on Koh Samui, we grabbed the high speed ferry to Koh Tao, the island I was most excited to see. I've been told that Koh Tao (pronounced like Ko Tell) was amazing for snorkelling, sight seeing, beach lounging and night life, all of which sounds like the perfect combination to me! I was most excited for the snorkelling, as I've never done anything like it (using my brothers snorkel mask when I was a kid to look at the murky Lake Ontario water does not even come close to counting).  

We spent four nights on Koh Tao and I was pretty sad to leave it. We hiked to two different view points during our stay, Koh Nang Yuan, a small island just off of Koh Tao's coast (Niki said its classified as one of the most beautiful islands in the world) and the John-Suwan on Koh Tao. Climbing to these points was really awesome, even though it was SO. HOT.

Looking like this (^) is a small price to pay for views like this (v).

John-Suwan viewpoint, Koh Tao.

Standard white girl viewpoint pose, check. (Koh Nang Yuan)

We stayed at Goodtime Hostel, right on Sairee Beach. It was a nice beach, but my favourite beach was Freedom Beach. It was small, had fewer people and a hammock that I fell asleep in (hammocks might be my kryptonite).

Sadly, our time on the islands came to an end and we made our way to Bangkok via a ferry/bus combination. Then, even more sadly, the two weeks were up and Niki had to head home. I'm approximately 12 hours behind her, as I am currently sitting in the Manila airport waiting for my flight back to Toronto. It's back home for now, to get some documents sorted out for teaching, then I'll hopefully be heading to South Korea by the end of June to teach some English (Oh, yeah, remember that plan?)