#I’m just very defensive because I’ve been conditioned to be… it’s a me problem lol)
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sluttish-armchair · 3 years ago
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yeah I’m gonna edit the script a little (not now); I woobified Winston too much
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probably-haven · 3 years ago
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Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^
I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.
.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance
Anyway! onto the actual content!
- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.
- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.
- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.
- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.
- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master
..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"
-
Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."
- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.
a couple character story quotes:
-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."
i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.
and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"
...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 
to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.
^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.
idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.
anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.
but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...
He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.
- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts
One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:
A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 
both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t
Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes
both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself
and this is where we meet out balance
Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-
See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 
Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-
whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 
however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-
Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 
they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.
GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING
I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.
anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason
Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]
it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 
I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it
within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely
so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 
and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 
 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay
-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 
-Messages whispered on the wind
-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 
- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.
- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 
- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change
- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those
- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 
- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”
- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)
- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”
- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-
- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 
- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh
- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 
- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.
- and because i just had to.... love languages
- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”
- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 
-
- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 
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lovely-ateez · 4 years ago
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Cold Ice & Warm Hearts~
ꕥPosted: 12/24/20
ꕥGenre: College!au, Christmas Imagine, Fluff
ꕥPairing: FemReader! x Jongho
ꕥWord Count: 1.8k
ꕥWarnings: None
ꕥA/N: I’ve been watching a shit ton of ice skating videos lately so this is the result lol
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Ice skating was my favorite part of the holiday season without a doubt. I was always able to skate more around December since I had a month off from college, which was fantastic. Not to mention that more people would skate than usual, meaning the more people I could teach to skate, feeling pride swell in my chest as I saw them improve.
I was recently gifted a pair of beautiful white ice skates by one of my friends as an early Christmas present. Although the holiday was right around the corner, she said she just couldn’t wait to give them to me, knowing how much I needed new skates.
“You’re completely wearing out your old ones,” She told me, “These will treat you much better.”
Although I very much loved my old pair, I had to admit she had a point. The laces were tearing and the soles were wearing down, making it very difficult to skate without having to stop and adjust them every few seconds.
Tonight I was walking to the outdoor skating rink only a few blocks from my apartment. I lived in a relatively busy city so I expected many people to be there, but I never minded that. It made me happy to see so many enjoying it.
As I walked with my ice skates, my mind wandered. It had been a few months since I last skated and I had been dying to get back. I was slightly nervous; however. I always was if I hadn’t skated in a while. Part of me worried that I would fall as often as I did when I began or forget how to skate all together.
I sat on the benches next to the rink to put my skates on when a deep, attractive laugh caught my attention. I turned my head to the right of the rink, observing the young man it came from. He was about average height and had one of the most endearing smiles I had ever seen. His dark brown hair swayed in the wind as he slightly picked up speed. His long, tan jacket looked warm and for a brief moment I had to refrain myself from thinking about how it would feel to cuddle up next to him.
He was surrounded by four other men, some obviously more skilled than others, but he, himself, wasn’t bad at all. He could skate relatively well and I wondered if he grew up skating like I did. Or maybe he was a natural talent?
His build was strong. I could tell that even with the several layers he was wearing. He certainly wasn’t hard on the eyes, to say the least.
One of the men near him stumbled and fell, the others laughing while the man wearing the tan jacket helped him up, a slight smile on his face but still expressing concern.
He seems kind.
I shook myself from my thoughts and tied the soft white laces of my skates. There were more people on the rink than I expected and it made me smile. Maybe some would find passion in it like I did.
I stepped out on the ice and made several strides, feeling silly for being nervous before. Ice skating was so ingrained in me that I had no reason to be. I moved to the rhythm of the Christmas music playing overhead and felt the world fading away. My worries, fears, stressors—all of it—melted from me as I made laps around the rink, occasionally adding a spin or two.
I was only slightly aware of the people looking in my direction and the gasps in awe being directed towards me. Because honestly, it didn’t matter. I never cared much for the compliments. Sure they were nice, but I skated for myself. To improve myself, not to impress others. Although, perhaps tonight I had a  motive to impress a certain man. Only perhaps.
I slowed down to look at the sky above me. The lights surrounding the rink only a slight distraction from the twinkling stars.
How gorgeous.
Smiling to myself I leisurely spun around, eyes still locked on the sky. I didn’t need to constantly look at the ice to keep my balance. It took some practice, but it became second nature to keep my balance no matter where I was looking.
“Miss?”
The slight disappointment I had from being interrupted only lasted for a few seconds until I saw the man I had been admiring in front of me. I blinked a few times, his handsome features up close catching me off guard.
“Yes?”
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where did you learn to skate like that?”
A wide smile spread across my face at his question, “I grew up skating. I practiced nearly every weekend.”
He nodded, “That’s impressive. Think you could teach me?”
“Teach you what exactly? You seem to have a good grasp on skating already.”
He chuckled and looked down, confidence faltering for only a moment, his gummy smile emerging, “Okay if I’m being honest, that was my best attempt to ask if you’d like to skate with me.”
I raised a brow and looked over to his friends who were giggling in our direction until they were caught off guard by my gaze, quickly averting their eyes.
“Do your friends have anything to do with this?”
“I mean, I suppose a little. I wanted to approach you so they encouraged me. It wasn’t a dare or anything like that if you were wondering.”
“That’s cute of them.” I cocked my head for a moment, “I don’t mind, but are you sure you can keep up? I can’t promise I’ll slow down for you.”
“I can certainly try.”
I nodded and skated off, not waiting for him to join by my side, but knowing he would, and he eventually did.
“So,” I began, “May I have your name?”
“That would probably be useful information, yes.” He laughed, “I’m Jongho. What’s yours?”
I introduced myself and he nodded, a slight smile still on his face.
“You’re really attractive, you know that?”
He flushed, “Wow. Are you always this blunt?”
“Usually,” I shrugged.
“I admire that. I am too, most of the time.”
“Yeah?” I skated slightly ahead of him, turning around and skating backwards, still facing him, “You give off the vibe that you would be.”
His eyes became playful, “What other vibes do I give off?”
“Hmm. You look strong, so maybe you work in construction? Or some other profession that requires physical strength,” I raised my hand to my chin, “Also, I feel like you play an instrument. Maybe you sing? Either way I think you’re musically inclined.”
“You’re wrong with the profession. I’m a college student but I’m on a dance team so it requires strength. Plus I just like working out. You were right about the singing, though. It’s a hobby of mine.”
Jongho once again smiled, but it quickly disappeared and his eyes widened. He reached out towards me grabbing my arms and pulling me close.
“What are you-”
A little girl skated past us at a fast speed, right where I had been before.
My heart was racing, almost to the point of not being able to form words, but I had to thank him, “Oh my gosh thank you.”
“Hey it’s no problem.”
I noticed how close we were, my hands placed on his chest with his arms locked on my back. All at once I felt as if my breath had been taken from me as I looked into his dark eyes. I felt myself being drawn to him, unknowingly leaning in closer.
And then he let me go, skating away from me, “Are you gonna catch up?”
I brought my hands to my cheeks, feeling their heat before shaking it off and skating next to him.
Jongho looked in my direction when I reached his side, “Your cheeks are awfully pink, darling. Are you feeling cold?”
His cocky voice and the pet name caught me off guard and I looked anywhere but him, trying to avoid eye contact.
“Oh don’t get shy now. What happened to the blunt and confident girl I met earlier?”
“She’s blushing right now. And feeling nervous because she thought you were going to kiss her.”
He titled his head, “Did she want that happen?”
“She might have...” I bit my bottom lip and nodded, “She did.”
“Well you’ve gotta take me out to dinner first.” He laughed, “But, I might make an exception for you. On one condition.”
“Which is?”
I noticed he stopped skating and I stopped as well, curious as to what he might want.
“I want to go on a date with you.”
I narrowed my eyes, “You aren’t a player, are you?”
“No, not at all!” Jongho raised his hands in defense, “I just think you’re really beautiful and I’d like to get to know you better.”
I giggled at the compliment, feeling shy, “In that case, I agree to all terms and conditions.”
“Come here, then.”
I skated slightly closer to him, placing my hands on his warm cheeks as I felt his hands rest on my hips.
“I haven’t kissed anyone in a hot minute.” I confessed.
“That makes two of us,” Were his last words as he placed his lips on mine. His lips felt so warm and inviting and only until that moment did I realize how badly I had wanted to kiss him. I pulled him closer to me and kissed him harder, leaving me breathless. Too soon we pulled apart, eyes finding the other’s.
Jongho’s gummy smile appeared and I felt my heart skip. The cheer of several men brought me back to my surroundings.
“Yeah,” Jongho rubbed his neck, looking in their direction, “They’re a bit crazy but you get used to them.”
“I’d like to.”
His eyes warmed and he took my by the hand, “So when are you free? I know a great restaurant that just opened up a week ago. We’ll have to hurry though, Christmas is right around the corner and I’m sure we won’t be able to get in for the next few days.”
“Oh yeah? How about this Friday?”
“Perfect.”
“What’s your favorite flower?”
I furrowed my brows, “Why?”
“Well if you think that I’m going to show up at your place without bringing you flowers, you’re sadly mistaken.”
I bit my lip again and looked down at the ice, “I tend to like peonys.”
“Noted.”
We exchanged numbers and said goodbye far too early for my liking, but his friends began to complain about being hungry, and he caved.
Watching Jongho walk away I decided to head back home. Originally I planned on skating for a while after, but I couldn't seem to concentrate with all the butterflies in my stomach.
Not even halfway back to my apartment I received a text from Jongho, making me smile. 
‘Don’t forget our date!’ He wrote.
‘I’ll be looking forward to it :)’
The butterflies in my stomach returned. Feeling childish with these new emotions, I skipped the rest of the way home with a smile on my face. All but holding my breath for the next time I would see him.
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danielletinybruiser · 3 years ago
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The Good Fight New York/New Jersey Open 7/31/21
I competed yesterday! And I actually feel really good about it! I'm a writer, so, writing about my experiences helps me really grasp them and process them and such, so, here goes! 
And also: as always, when I compete, it's in basically no-stakes tournaments for anybody. I'm not going to big competitions, I'm just doing this as a hobby and going to light fires under my butt and test my skills as they are in the moment. So, I take it seriously, but I don't go into this with delusions of grandeur! I do not think I am the next Danielle Kelly.
(Content warning for weight here, I talk about it a fair bit!)
I think I prepared pretty well this time around! I trained *a lot* and took conditioning very seriously. I also had a funny thing with weight: since getting my (cough, cough, under my breath) Peleton - I've been riding a lot and running a ton using the app. I sure thought I was being a genius doing frequent two-a-day cardio workouts, thinking "oh yeah, I'll be 125 no problem." Instead, obviously, I gained some muscle weight from doing tons of high intensity interval workouts. It's a good thing! I'm so much stronger than I was, walking now at 134-137, and my cardio is very solid. But it did mean having to be very conscious of weight to ensure I came in at 135 on Saturday.
Again, this should actually be ideal for this level of competition (read: LOW), because it means my walking weight and competition weight are super nice and close (I used to be around 126-129 and still competed at 135, thanks to the other major tournament I do having nothing between 120 and 135), and I feel so much more durable.
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An action shot! Thanks for reading so far! Lol
So, I was strict with my diet for the last month (I usually am, this just meant no cheat days for a couple of weeks, really), and did weigh-ins periodically, then every day in the last week. It also meant doing a little bit of math and knowing exactly what kind of food I could have in the morning, and what was safe to do in terms of sweating just in case. It was good to know, because that came in handy!
Yesterday morning, I woke up at 136.2 (you get a 1lb allowance, so I was only .2 over). I did a shorty 15 minute HIIT workout so I could have a tiny bit of food and fluid, being very careful to not dehydrate or do anything stupid. I'm not going to cut weight for this, lol, but it would be truly ridiculous for me, at my height (5'5") and body composition (muscular, but not JACKED), to have to go in at 145 for being, you know, .2 over.
The nice side effect of a short workout in the morning was helping my nerves a little bit (they were BAD), so at least that helped me breathe. I don't know if I've ever been this anxious before competing before, and I'm not sure exactly why — I know there are no stakes besides my pride, there's no money on the line, this isn't my career! This is my hobby, for fuck's sake, so I don't know why my body interpreted "lets compete" as "we are going to WAR and we might DIE," but there it was! I was scared! Brains are stupid!
We got a tiny bit lost on the way, but it was ok because things were running behind at the tournament. No problem at all. I made weight (135.6) and started to warm up. The venue had plenty of extra space on a turf field to warm up, and Viki was a SAINT, not only to drive my nervous ass over, but to help me warm up about six times. I felt better after just drilling and flow rolling a tiny bit.
It was a long wait, but my gi division was up first. I had one opponent at bantamweight, so, a small bracket in gi.
Here's how it goes in a submission-only tournament: you have your brackets, for a full division it's basically semi-finals and finals, with a bronze medal match and the two winners do a gold/silver match. With two, it's best two out of three wins gold, the other person gets silver.
For blue belts, we have eight minute regulation matches. No points, no advantages, no stupid bullshit (sorry, I hate points tournaments). If you both survive eight minutes with no submissions, you go into overtime rounds: a back take, a spiderweb/armbar, and a classic head and arm triangle. For each, the defender needs to escape, and the attacker needs to submit. If you successfully escape, and you successfully submit, you win! If both people escape, or both people submit, you go to the next round, and it repeats as needed (back, armbar, triangle).
It's a great format, imo, and really suits my style: I play defense, I like to wear people down, and then go for it when I see an opportunity. I will play all kinds of wild positions and try to get creative and weird with it, and frankly have fun, and I think submission-only facilitates that!
Still, I was so goddamned nervous.
We started the match and it was ON. My opponent and I were really, really well matched. Size and skill wise, we gave each other a lot of hell. It was rough, too, and I have all the bruises on my face to prove it! But I was having fun. A lot of fun.
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Overtime action shot!
Our match went through regulation, to overtime. I escaped her back take, but her coaches fought with the ref a little. I offered to do it again, because, hey, I want to do it better. This may have been stupid of me, but I also, like... the reason I like sub-only so much is that I hate stupid technicalities and bullshit. So I offered to go again and did! And I escaped pretty well. On my turn to attack, I submitted her.
I honestly couldn't believe I won a match in gi. The last time I got a gold medal in gi, it was because I went to the 30+ division, and my opponent was 53. I was happy to win that day, but like... c'mon. I was 35 at the time. In sub-only, women don't have age categories, and I believe my opponent was maybe a bit younger than me, but probably not far from my age, and tough as hell. She was my size, we were well-matched in strength. And she BROUGHT IT.
I remember that going through my head, like "you can win in gi???" I could hardly believe it. I got my hand raised IN GI.
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This felt great, and I was basically in shock.
(I won't belabor this, but I hate the gi. I think I'm terrible in it. Tuesday night - my last hard training day before competition, I did ok, but felt demoralized. I almost cried after training and told Viki that night "I don't think I'm going to compete in gi" and thought about pulling my registration. This is why I couldn't believe it, lol).
We had a short break and went again. Again, we did the full regulation match - she had an armbar at one point that I escaped, and I did have a last second back take and choke attempt, but I ran out of time. We went to overtime, I escaped her back take... and I remember, in the moment, getting ready for my turn to attack: "this is probably for a medal. IN GI. You are this close!" and I cinched it with a submission. I got my hand raised again. I thanked her and her coaches, and even chatted with them a little.
We went to the podium - another woman congratulated me on the match, saying she watched it and love dit. The podium worker said the same, and I was flattered. Kirsten (my opponent, who again, was fucking AWESOME and tough) and I did the podium thing, getting our medals and taking pictures.
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Podium action shot!
Then, it was off to watch my teammate Ollie compete and kick ass,  and then get changed for no-gi, where I absolutely knew Kirsten was going to come for blood, lol.
It still didn't feel real: a gold medal? Me? Danielle? Gi-hating Danielle who almost cried after just training in a gi on Tuesday night (again, nothing went wrong, lol, my training partners are incredibly conscientious and were preparing me!) - I let myself wear the medal for a couple of minutes before putting it in the backpack.
Even now, just about 24 hours later, it doesn't feel completely real. I swear, I only even compete in the gi because it's just five bucks more to do both divisions, and you may as well get all the rolls you can on a day you are showing up.
There was a pretty big time gap between gi and no gi, but I was honestly a little nervous again. They put a (fantastic) purple belt (that's the next skill level up if you aren't familiar with jiu jitsu, and a pretty huge gap for me, being honest) in our division, and I faced her first. There was really no pressure at all here, I do not expect to win against a purple belt. I feel — very honestly — that I have a very, very long way to go in blue. Based on how the day went, I do feel like I'm on my way, and making real improvements — But I'm no where near purple.
I survived about five minutes of an eight minute regulation period, and did survive a pretty intense back take at first, but she got me with a second back take and rear naked choke/crank. All the power to her!
Then, the bronze medal match was between me and Kirsten again (who I faced in gi). Holy shit, this was a doozy. We fought really, really hard in regulation. I know she wanted it BADLY after gi, and I could tell she had serious wrestling and probably Judo as well in her background. She tossed my ass around! It was rough and it was tough, and my face is a little fucked up today, not going to lie. But I loved it, and loved rolling with her — she had such good pressure, and beautiful knee cuts, and she was strong and fast and athletic.
We went through regulation, to the first overtime. I won the "rock paper scissors" to determine who went first and I took her back... and she escaped. She did her back attack, and I escaped. 
At this point, I was TIRED. Not no much cardio-tired (I have myself conditioned pretty well), but... "I want to lie down and sleep" tired. But I got her in the armbar position for the second round, squeezed... and got the tap! Again, I thought "you are this close to a medal!" and defended the second round armbar well.. I really, really thought I was out, but in the last possible instant she just NAILED IT and got my arm back and I had to tap. It was fantastic, she did well to grab it back.
So, we went to a third round of overtime. Triangle. I had her in, squeezed, cut the angle... and got the tap! Yes! Now, I really knew I was close. I tapped her, all I needed to do was escape her triangle and I'd have a bronze in no-gi. I wanted it. I really wanted it!
I got into her triangle. It was tight right away (which it should be!), I *thought* I had stacked her in the correct position to escape, I thought I could do it...
And then... I remember dreaming. I started coming to, thinking I was asleep in my bed, and that i was dreaming about competition. I started to become conscious, and I heard her say "I think she's out!" and saw her face and the ref's face. It took me a few moments, but I realized where I was, and that I had passed out completely. She sank a PERFECT blood choke on me. Absolutely picture perfect.
I sort of kept saying, in my confusion "I'm ok! I'm ok!" and shook her hand and kind of stumbled off the mat.
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Me, laughing in utter confusion after taking a nice nap on the mat (my opponent was really nice about it!)
Later on, I realized: we were actually supposed to go to a fourth overtime round! We both submitted to a triangle (if you lose consciousness, that counts as a tap!), and I believe the ref was actually asking me if I wanted to continue. Hand to heart, I'm not trying to save face, I just didn't realize it at all, in my complete confusion. I accidentally forfeited by walking off, lol. I seriously had no idea, and honestly, it was probably better that I didn't try to do another round THAT confused.
But still, that is absolutely going to be something I kick myself about, for forever. Just being THAT CLOSE.
By the way, I will say: it was the second time losing consciousness in jiu jitsu (and the first time... I'm not sure I was all the way out, this time I absolutely was) — it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying it's pleasant or great, exactly, it's very, very disorienting, because you actually start to dream a bit and have NO IDEA where you are for a few. But I would rather that than a broken arm or a torn ACL, so, as things happen on the mat, really not a terrible experience.
Kirsten deserves all the respect in the world — she put me out, and FAST (I had no idea how fast until Viki told me, lol. I sure thought I was fighting it for much longer!). She was wonderful to compete with, and I felt we were very evenly matched and got the best out of one another. I chatted with her afterward and we both complimented one another.
Overall, I'm proud of how hard I fought. I know that, in competition, I have absolutely defeated my self before, and gotten so discouraged. It's never conscious, I will always push, I will always mechanically force myself to get back up and get back out. Always. But mentally, in the past, I've really fucked myself.
Yesterday, I vowed to stay patient, and I actually did. I stuck to a gameplan fully: patience, defense, attacking whenever I saw or felt an opportunity. I actually feel, for the first time, that I did my best out there, the best I can do with my jiu jitsu right now, at 4.5 years of training, as a blue belt with one stripe.
That is a wildly unfamiliar feeling. Every other time I've competed, I've come out with at least a few things that were "holy christ, I am terrible at X and need to work on Y." The only other slight exception was the sub only tournament I got my first-ever medals at (silver in both) where I legitimately shocked myself. Even then, I had a couple of specific things I needed to work on (ankle lock defense! I still think about it!)
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I'm a little bit beat up today (that armbar I thought I was out of, then got caught right at the last second? I tapped on time, but "on time" with adrenaline is "a tiny bit late" so it hurts like hell today), and will probably just do cardio for a few days to take time to heal up before going back to grappling. But I feel really proud. I feel good about it. I feel stupid as hell for accidentally forfeiting, but overall very pleased with the day.
Where do I go from here? Rubber guard, baby! I want to get *great* at rubber guard. And this has given me a huge boost to keep chipping away at gi, no matter how much I may hate it in the moment. Because I won yesterday, I do get a free invitation to the submission only worlds for this tournament, so, that's something I can think about...
But for now... I'm going to try and let the good parts sink in. Viki got me victory pizza last night, and holy shit, I don't know if anything has ever tasted so good :D
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bellatrixobsessed1 · 5 years ago
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Okay so tumblr did something super weird with the formatting and I couldn’t fix it; for some reason it had the page cut under the ask itself (as if the ask itself had the page cut in it) so I literally couldn’t edit it out and re-format it right. So I just took a screencap of the ask and I’ll respond via a standard textpost.
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Gonna give a little warning because I’m gonna be talking about child abuse a bit.
Glad to hear it, anon. :) I try to keep an open mind with these discussions.
Tbh, I kinda get uncomfortable with some of the stuff I've seen in her tag regarding Zuko especially. I've seen a handful of people kind of dismissing him as being whiny or sensitive, and I just don't really vibe with that. I don't have anything against any of the people I've seen posting it, but I just don't vibe with.
I'm also gonna take the opportunity to try to break some of the misconceptions about the Azula fandom by saying that I don't feel afraid or intimidated to kinda go against a good portion of the fandom in a sense. And that's because, fellow Azula fans have never really outcast me or tried to fight me for saying that I think that Azula's a bit of an abuser. The Azula fandom imo, isn't full of bullies and hateful people; everyone I have talked to has been very open to a nice discussion. I think that it just depends how you approach them with your arguments.
All of that said, Imma get back on topic here; It’s a little tough to talk about Azula's flaws sometimes because I feel like (though, thankfully this hasn’t happened on tumblr to me yet) that some people take pointing out flaws in your faves as bashing them or posting hate.
But honestly this is really cool to hear because back when I first opened up this blog I used to do that thing where I’d justify everything that my faves did, which was a bit of a problem because my faves are all antagonists! xD So there has been a lot of progress made.
I think that there are three main reasons that people have a hard time admitting that she’s an abuser too.
I think that the biggest one is that a lot of Azula fans lately have been massively on the defensive. There has been quite a bit of hate in her tag, there have been things said by the writers (taken the wrong way or not), there have been a lot of generalizations, and so on. And all of it kind of puts fans on the defensive. I see so many posts about how Azula is irredeemable and just the worst, most evil character in the show and so people kind of swing hardcore the other way (Azula did nothing wrong) to make up for all of the demonizing she gets. One extreme usually leads to another. Seeing Azula get so much shit, like being called a killer and a sadist, provokes the Azula is a cinnamon roll reaction. Basically when a fandom gets put on blast for being 'the crazy' or 'mean' side of the fandom, I feel like it creates a cycle where that part of the fandom starts to actually act meaner because they feel backed into a corner. The more they are called 'delusional' for seeing good in Azula the more radically they will start to defend that belief until the shades of grey start disappearing, if that makes sense.
But this is just a theory of course.
The second reason I think that people tend to dismiss the things she does do wrong is that there's this association with criticism and hate. And this goes beyond the Avatar fandom. In general I feel like people find it hard to say bad things about their favorite characters because they feel like they're bashing their character and/or they don't want people to think that they are being negative. Plus it's just kinda hard to say bad things about something you like/love. Speaking as someone who used to do this; I always felt really weird about or like I was being negative when admitting that things I like have flaws. I'm not exactly sure why I used to feel like this because it wasn't an, 'I seem myself in this character, so insulting them is like insulting me' thing because I usually have almost nothing in common with my faves. Idk, it's just always been way easier for me to find things I like in a character I hate than it is for me to find things I don't like in a character that I do. On a personal level, it might just be because I'd rather focus on liking things that I like than hating things that I hate?
I guess that I think that it's just easy to forget that 'I don't like xyz aspect of Azula' is not the same as 'I don't like Azula at all'. I think that it's possible to love a character but not love everything about them, just like real people; you can love your mom to death but there will always be those things about her that drive you nuts.
And really, imo, I think that fans who are able to see flaws with their faves are the ones who understand them the best. I'm definitely not saying that the people who don't see/acknowledge their fave's flaws don't understand their fave. But I think that they are missing out on very crucial aspects of their favorite character. If you like a character you should like them for what they are in canon, not what you want them to be or what they could be.
I see a lot of potential for growth in Azula. I see potential for a redemption arc and I do love what her character can be. But I also love her character as is. Currently in canon, she's manipulative and goal driven to the point where she has a disregard for people. Currently she's an antagonist and I love her for that. Because antagonist, unredeemed Azula is the character I liked in the beginning. I don't condone her being manipulative and I don't like that as a personality trait. But I do love it as far as, she is a fantastically written antagonist. And those cold, manipulative, abusive traits add to her complexity when juxtaposed against her own abuse, insecurities, and need to be loved.
And that's kind of what I mean when I say that, if you like Azula, you should like her despite the flaws.  If that makes sense. I feel like people who say that she isn't an abuser (at least to some degree) kind of have a misunderstanding of her character. I think that one of the points of her character is to show that some abused kids don't come out okay. It's a tragic reality.
But with Azula I think that there's still room for her to change and start to break that cycle. I feel like she'd have a much harder time doing it than Zuko, because she has been subjected to his mental abuse in close range for much longer than he has. And I think that it would be something she'd struggle with her whole life, but I see good in her.
That said, I think that the third reason people have trouble seeing her as an abuse is because it is just really hard to see abuse victims become the abuser. I've mentioned before, but I come from a family where the chain ended with one of my parents. Said parent has told me many times how hard it was to fight that kind of upbringing. That's the real tragedy of abuse, it just goes on and on until you're mentally strong enough to fight yourself and break that chain. And the sad thing is, that some people just can't seem to do that. And I think that when discussing Azula, this comes into play a bit; it's just hard to look at even a fictional abuse victim and knowledge that they've become the abuser because it is all that they have known.
It's just a really hard topic and  that's why it's so easy for discourse like this to get heated; a lot of people have an Azula in their lives or relate to her in some way.
Thanks for the ask, sorry it took so long to reply! I wanted to make it thoughtful and word everything the best that I can.
As always, everyone is welcomed to chime in and give their own opinions.
EDIT: There are a few things that I don’t think I was clear enough on with the initial post lol. First and foremost, I’m definitely not saying that these three reasons are the only reasons people don’t talk about Azula’s flaws. @wingsfreedom​ made a good point about differing ways of interpreting scenes. That’s another biggy. 
The other thing I want to clarify is that I don’t think that Azula is a full on abuser. I think that she displays tendencies and does some abusive things. But I also don’t put her on the same level as Ozai. I feel like she’s a bit more merciful than him. Like Ozai is pretty much too far gone; he’s an abuser and his mind is set there. Azula, I think still has the capacity to break the chain. She’s not a lost cause. I also feel like she can be reasoned with more than Ozai. Ozai is all about power; Azula is motivated more by desperation (be it for her father’s love, to keep the last bit of control she has, and to keep her friends). It still leads to that harmful behavior, but I don’t think that she’s a lost cause like Ozai. Like, she has some abusive tendencies now, but I can also see her being able to break the chain under the right conditions.  If that makes sense. 
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roadtohappy · 4 years ago
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Why I detransitioned
I mentioned it briefly in response to someone else’s post, but I believe this subject deserves a post of its own. It included the statement: “I detransitioned because my identity changed, and I don’t regret my transition”, to which I expressed how much it resonated with me - and here’s why.
I was, I am, and I always will be transgender. As a young girl, I developed gender dysphoria. To anyone who’s unfamiliar with what that means, gender dysphoria is a term used to describe the emotional pain and distress a person experiences when their biological sex and their self-perceived gender do not match - a body/brain incongruence, if you will.
When I came out of the closet and told my family and peers that I identified as male, I had already spent a considerable amount of time contemplating my situation. I questioned myself constantly, and doubted every answer. I did this prior to, and after coming out, and even during my social and medical transition. Not because I was unsure of myself, but because I needed to know if there was any chance that my gender dysphoria could’ve been caused by something other than simply being transgender. It was important for me to unveil and deal with any underlying issues that could’ve been linked to my gender-identity, because it’s better to find out early on and stop before you find yourself overwhelmed with regret later in life if it turns out that you were actually mistaken. I asked myself the same questions constantly; “Am I being influenced by my peers? Media? Online communities?” “Is my brain using this as a defense mechanism to mask childhood trauma?” “Am I using my trans identity to escape from my past/present problems?” “Do I have any undiagnosed psychiatric or medical conditions that could alter how I perceive myself?” “Can I learn to cope with my gender dysphoria without transitioning?” “Am I trying to mend the absence of my father and lack of male role models by becoming male myself?” “Do I have any unhealthy ideas of what it means to be a woman?” “Do I have enough strong female role models in my life?” “Am I simply not ready to become a woman yet? if so, why?”
-These are all questions you should never ever be afraid to ask yourself, no matter where you are in your transition - whether you’re in the closet or out. Early, mid or late-transition; it is never a bad time to discover yourself and make the best choices for yourself, wherever they may lead you. This is not at all meant to discourage anyone from transitioning, but rather inspire people to ask them self the right questions.
As I mentioned in my introduction-post; I started living as a boy at 15, meaning I wore boy’s clothes, and went by a male name and male pronouns. I started taking male hormones when I was 18. If you’re unfamiliar with what hormone therapy does for trans people, it essentially means that you’re taking hormones regularly to induce a second puberty in order to bring on characteristics of your identified gender. I’m now 21 years old and I had chest-masculinization surgery 8 months ago. I never wanted to go any further than hormones and top-surgery, as my dysphoria mainly revolved around my feminine voice and other minor characteristics, and my breasts. The further I progressed into my transition, my gender dysphoria decreased, as you’d expect. After having my top-surgery, I also no longer feel dysphoric about my chest. To my surprise, I now feel completely comfortable with my natural body, including my femininity.
Early 2020 when the lockdown started, I began to spend more time alone by myself, going on long nature walks and exploring my thoughts through art and creative activities as a way to “unlearn” some of the unhealthy masking-behaviors I’ve taught myself over the years, in order to fit in better among other people. (Very common coping mechanism in autistic people, apparently.) As I began this process of “un-masking” I made it my top-priority to stop caring so much about what other people think of me or how other people expect me to look, talk and act. My new mindset became something along the lines of “Okay, the way my brain is built means that I experience the world and process information differently from other people, which also means that my actions and feelings are based on a different set of experiences than other people. I will no longer measure my worth by my ability to blend in and be ‘normal’, and I will no longer apologize for being different.” And so began a whole new level of self-exploration. I played around with some of my old make-up, I started taking up fun activities that most people would deem feminine - and it didn’t make me feel dysphoric at all. In fact, I liked it. I was unapologetically leaning into my feminine side and it felt good, it felt right, it felt safe - an experience I was never able to have before I transitioned.
When the semester came to an end a few weeks ago, I found myself in a weird position. I now have two completely empty months ahead of me, I truly detest big changes like that. A solid everyday schedule sort of functions as a mental “anchor” for me. Because no matter what happens in my life, I know one thing for certain; I will go to sleep tonight, wake up in the morning, do my morning routine and get ready, get the bus at exactly 7:41AM and arrive at school 10-15 minutes later depending on the traffic. I then attend class and adhere to the school’s timetables for the next 6 hours. I get the bus home and change into my uniform, work for 5 hours, go home and do my homework, make dinner, do something fun or watch youtube, go to bed - and the cycle continues. These little “anchors” make me feel secure and grounded, they help me cope with a world that can feel chaotic and overwhelming at times. 
So last day of school arrives and I’m like “shit, what now?? One day I’m at school and suddenly there’s just *nothing* for two months?? Not only that, but I’ve just discovered that there’s a whole new side of me that I’m now free to explore since my gender dysphoria decided to evaporate into thin air.” Everything around me was changing, even myself - and that’s the moment when I decided that maybe it was time to give Testosterone a break. Whether temporary or permanently, doesn’t matter. It’s not like my body is going anywhere and I can always just resume hormone therapy again if I want to. But for now, it was time to just take a break, let go of everything and truly get to know myself. My transition is complete, and I am ready to continue this journey in a new direction. It’s been a month now, and I’m happy to say I’ve had a lot of fun just enjoying the time off and being my authentic self. I haven’t really told anyone I’m detransitioning. I’m just kinda doing my own thing, and if people want to run along with it and refer to be as female at some point then that’s their choice, I don’t really care to be honest. Name-wise, I might just jokingly suggest “Jane” when people ask, since it’s so similar to “Jake”.  I get weird looks from people when I’m out in public, because I’m starting to pass as female again, but my voice is unmistakably masculine - I like my voice though, so I don’t care what they think. If people ask why my voice is so deep, I just tell them the truth: “I am a woman, but my body was testosterone-dominant for 3 years, hence the voice.” Simple as, lol. Not only that, but I am a whole, grown ass adult, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
On the topic of irreversible changes, there is one important thing that I cannot stress enough; My decision to detransition does not come from a place of regret, I have loved and cherished every step of this process. I’ve heard a lot of people say this about detransitioners but I don’t have “reverse-dysphoria”, why would I?  Man or woman, I love myself and my body regardless. I absolutely needed to transition from female to male in order to be happy, I could not have attained this level of happiness otherwise. I would not have been able to accept or even come to terms with my femininity if I hadn’t transitioned. I’m still on the same journey as before, I simply took a new path.
Anyway, I best end this wall of text because it’s 3:00AM and I’m going on a 9km hike with a friend in the morning, I can’t waiiiitttt!
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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago
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Can we just talk about all the age reversal aus where Robin is still a thing before Dick comes around??? It makes no sense!!!! Ik you’ve done a post on the importance of Robin before and it just really ticks me off!!! Like, if Damian is the oldest, why would he go by a bird name when he works with Batman? It would make more sense to be like ‘Shadow’ or ‘Shriken’ or just plain ‘Batkid’ but all these authors use the name Robin and then show Jason being resentful when Dick takes it over. Just wtf?
Tbh, I don’t have a ton to say on that particular subject other than I agree with you on it not making a lot of sense, because I just don’t really tend to read age reversal AUs anymore. They’re just not a premise that draws me in, y’know? I have issues with the way Dick’s status as the oldest brother tends to lead to him and his own problems being taken for granted at times, but the solution to that which I’m looking for is to have that addressed, not to have Dick just not be the oldest sibling anymore. I like Dick the way he is….I’m as fond of AUs as the next person, but ones that kinda alter the core of him just aren’t for me.
Like….how to put this…..from my perspective, I’ve noticed that outside of fics by authors who consider themselves Dick stans first and foremost out of all the characters, there’s three distinct tropes in the vast majority of fics where Dick plays a major role, and is regarded sympathetically rather than being in the way:
1) Fics about Tarantula, 2) Fics where Dick is a Talon and 3) Age Reversal AUs.
And the one common element in these tropes is they’re most commonly utilized while depicting Dick as particularly vulnerable, to the extent that he’s like….dependent on the other characters.
In the vast majority of Tarantula fics - majority, not all, there are exceptions of course - but the common thread is Dick tends to have very little agency in even the aftermath of what happened with Tarantula. He’s usually not granted the right of disclosure….people find out despite his wants there, and often despite his attempts to keep it from them (huge pet peeve just btw…..people, disclosure is a HUGELY big deal to survivors, because its one of THE single most powerful ways in which survivors take back control over their lives….they might not have control over what happened, but they can control who they tell about it and when. The tendency to write fics about survivors but displaying no real thought towards the fact that many survivors NEED agency over who they disclose to and when, is part of why I tend to rant about people kinda….commercializing this particular trauma even while saying they do so in the name of spreading awareness or healing or stuff like that….because they’re not actually like….thinking about things from the viewpoint of the survivor. In many instances, stealing a survivor’s right to disclose at the time and place of their choosing can be massively retraumatizing in its own way. And again, please don’t talk to me about how I’m generalizing or insisting there’s only one right way to write survivors…I know I’m generalizing, I’m talking about TRENDS, not specific fics, and I’m not saying its NEVER okay to write things this way, I’m simply commenting on how often things ONLY seem to be written this way).
But anyway, point is, a common theme throughout these fics is that despite Dick being central to them, its a story ABOUT him and what happened to him, rather than actually being HIS story. He himself has very little role in many of these stories, they’re more about what the others do to avenge him, or to take care of him, etc…..which is great in principle….I just can’t help but note the emphasis on him being dependent on others throughout it.
Which brings us to number two, fics where Dick is a Talon…..I’ve talked before how I just kinda can’t, and back out of fics where Dick remains a Talon or altered by the Talon process, because I think most people do that as kind of a metaphor for a disability and finding ways to live with a disability, but to me it will always read as body horror, because this isn’t so much Dick being disabled as it is him being altered head to toe in very deliberate ways by his abusers with the intention of making him something other than he is, and something he never ever chooses or wants to be. And the fact that there’s no need to write stories with disability metaphors, you can just write a character having a disability, so it always kinda feels unnecessary to me, personally, and an inherent tragedy because this was DONE to Dick, and thus is a permanent reminder of his abuse at the hands of his abusers….which is not inherently the same thing as adjusting to life with a disability, though there can be overlap, obviously.
But the other tendency of the Talon Dick trope is how often this results in him being mentally altered. And not just in a brainwashed kind of way, as many of these fics have him raised as a Talon since his parents died and then rescued by the Batfam….but his entire mentality, personality and way of processing things and even speaking is altered….and the thing that bugs me about this is…..why? Why is this choice so prevalent in these fics, when there’s literally nothing innate about the Talons in canon that says the Talon process mentally changes their minds and personalities in this kind of way? Most of the Talons we see don’t speak….because they’re intended to be seen as mindless minions, a force of nature rather than people….its meant to add to their mystique, their threat, their legend….largely on orders of the Court, who thrives on those kind of things. But who is the Talon we see the most of in canon, the Talon that we’re specifically told time and time again the Court means Dick to replace, be the heir of? William Cobb. 
And William is nothing like the way Dick is depicted in most Talon fics. He’s the same as he was before he was changed, just with the changes to his biology now. Mentally and personality-wise, he’s still the same as he was before it. And even in the recent Nightwing comic where Ric was finally brainwashed into being the Talon the Court has been manipulating him towards becoming throughout this storyline…..obviously, the Talon process hadn’t occurred yet, but even with the brainwashing, Ric mentally was still himself in the sense that he could process things, make decisions, speak all just the same as he did before he put on the brainwashing goggles….he didn’t speak most of the time because again, Talons are meant by the Court to be mostly silent enigmas….but when pressed, he was absolutely still capable of it, the same as before.
So again, the question is….why this particular choice, with this trope? To have Dick so radically altered not just in body, and with the emphasis rarely even placed on his bodily changes, as usually they come up with some tech disguise for him or use makeup to make him appear the same as he usually does, at which point his changes aren’t mentioned all that much other than to display his healing factor. No, the emphasis by and large is to how different he is mentally….even though there’s literally nothing about the Talon the Court wants him to be in canon, which dictates that he has to be in any way mentally altered by the process of becoming one. It isn’t his mental faculties the Court has a problem with, its his morals. No other brainwashing or mental conditioning method in comics or fics places such a strong emphasis on limiting the person’s mental capabilities rather than just altering their morality and way of thinking…so why is it different here, with Dick’s stories? And the only common result I can ever find is that it diminishes Dick’s autonomy and makes him vulnerable in a specific way where he’s dependent on the others to a huge degree, due to being less socially capable or even just mentally capable on his own.
And then finally we have the reverse ages AUs, in which Dick is still himself as he was as a young Robin in canon…..just the baby of the family, doted on and protected by his family, who are all fiercely defensive of him and in many of these stories, drop everything to rush to his aid when he’s in danger and rescue him. Which again, is perfectly fine in theory, but the thing this raises for me is…..how distinct this is from Dick’s actual time as Robin, where the actual emphasis was on how capable he was despite his young age, how autonomous and independent and competent even when face to face with villains twice his size and three times his age. 
Situations like with Two-Face were the exception in his stories, not the norm…..much like the later Robins, like Jason before his death, Tim for over a decade in comics, Damian to this day….all roughly the same age Dick is in these reverse Robin AUs…..but when has Damian ever been depicted as that vulnerable and in need of his siblings’ protection, in canon? When was Tim? And in Dick’s own time as Robin when he was actually that age in canon…..how would he have ever lasted as Robin without all these older siblings in canon, let alone managed to become the inspiration for entire generations of other child heroes….if he weren’t as capable of protecting himself as he was…in actual canon?
Again, the focus of the premise, like with the other two tropes, often seems geared towards emphasizing a vulnerability that is kinda just…chosen for Dick, rather than being an inevitability of that trope, and results in him being particularly dependent on the rest of his family.
Understand, I’m not saying this to say oh these fics are all bad and shouldn’t exist, lol, I’m just expressing the common element through all of them that’s why they don’t appeal to me in particular - because as I’ve always emphasized in pretty much all my posts, one of the greatest appeals to me about Dick Grayson, and one of the things I love about him most, is his fierce independence, his commitment to being his own person and standing on his own two feet. And its why I have an issue with the common thread of infantilization that runs through a lot of the fanon tropes that treat him as though he’s incapable of feeding himself, clothing himself, or even cleaning up after himself or conducting himself in public without the help of others.
Because my issue isn’t that these things exist, its that I’m always going to want to know WHY.
Why, when Dick’s core characterization has always revolved around his insistence on his own personal agency and autonomy…..do so many stories revolve around…..denying him this, or stripping it away?
Why is it that he’s most appealing to many people when he’s not just dependent on his family, but forced to be dependent by the very premise of a story, with no choice or alternative in the matter?
What makes that such a common trend, and with his character in specific, as opposed to Jason, Tim, Damian, etc….none of whom display similar trends in their stories or most prevalent tropes?
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makeste · 6 years ago
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BnHA Chapter 157: Giant Zelda Boss
Previously on BnHA: The badass lady squad kicked some villain ass (even if it did take them a while). Toga showed up disguised as Deku and directed the heroes to where Nighteye and co. were fighting Overhaul underground. They crashed onto the scene as Toga, Twice, and Compress watched from the street above. Twice and Toga told Compress to go kidnap Eri, and he was all “:/ but it’s dangerous” but in the end they bullied him into going down there. Overhaul tried to escape with Eri and Deku leaped after them. We learned that Eri was the granddaughter of the Precepts’ boss, and her mom abandoned her, so the boss put her in Overhaul’s care. Apparently she had an unknown quirk that had somehow killed her biological father. Overhaul experimented and found out her quirk had something to do with “rewinding.” Then the rest of it we already knew -- Overhaul continued to hurt her and she had to suffer through it and eventually she was conditioned to blame herself and to believe that she was “cursed.” But now with everyone trying to rescue her, her quirk is apparently “awakening” with her desire to somehow save them all. omg.
Today on BnHA: Deku grabs Eri and says he’s not gonna let go! Overhaul, who has reverted back to his normal form, is all GIVE HER BACK, and creates some stabby rock tentacle claws to try and get at them. Deku instinctively uses 100% OFA to escape to the surface, and then panics afterwards, thinking that he’s broken his legs. But surprisingly, they’re fine. Meanwhile, Overhaul fuses himself with another unconscious minion and heads after them. Nighteye tells Ryuukyuu and the others that he saw the future and that Overhaul is going to pursue Eri and kill Deku, and that even if they go after him they won’t win. Back on the street level, Deku realizes that all of his injuries have been healed, but then he promptly crumples over in pain. Overhaul, having transformed into some sort of multi-limbed giant rock dragon man, explains that Eri’s quirk gives her the ability to “rewind” humans, and that she can’t control it. But Deku decides this is the perfect opportunity to activate OFA Full Cowl at 100% and just have Eri heal him as he goes. He’s gonna BREAK BONES LIKE NO ONE HAS EVER BROKEN BONES BEFORE.
(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 187 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)
oh! I like this!!
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“the determination to be saved” YESSSS ERI YESSSSS
also, going back to the previous panel for a second, what is going on??
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what happened to Overhaul and Nemo? they unfused?? did she rewind time and undo all his bullshit?
anyway Deku has her now and he says this time he’s not letting go of her! YAY
AHHHHH
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FUCK. SOMEONE SWAT IT WITH A NEWSPAPER
also Horikoshi’s love of drawing hands has officially gone too far. that is SO FUCKING DISTURBING. and also AWESOME, GODDAMMIT
like, look at how his fingers are separating the panels in the bottom right corner. fuck this artistic bullshit
also why is Deku worried about his ability to move? it’s not like Overhaul is any better off. he’s disintegrating the platform he was standing on so he can literally fall at them. you’re both falling. just dodge him. it’s not like he’s any more mobile than you are, and he doesn’t have 20% OFA or 8% or whatever the fuck you’re using right now
anyway he’s hugging Eri determinedly and glaring at Overhaul and again thinking that he won’t let her go no matter what
oh cool are we flashing back to one of the best lines in this arc? I’m down with that
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nice to see Deku getting back to his roots
nice to see Horikoshi getting back to his roots, actually. pacing has picked up again, art style is back in full swing, and Deku is thinking determined thoughts about heroically saving others? this is the manga I fell in love with
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...maybe I spoke too soon
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wait, what? did he just make a giant claw cliff only to grab himself?
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okay but what the fuck is happening, though?
wha
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that’s what I... you know what, never mind
OH MY GOD
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DID YOU BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS DEKU YOU FUCK
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ARE THEY!?
I can’t tell?? they don’t look anything like they did the last time he used 100%, but the one time it happened with his legs, it looked pretty different from when he breaks his arms. with his arms his sleeves usually rip right off and he’s all noodley and floppy. but with his legs, his pants always seem to stay intact to preserve his modesty. which is very thoughtful of you, OFA
anyway, down in the basement, Ryuukyuu and the others are saying they felt some sort of shockwave, so it’s indeed seeming like he broke his vow to never use OFA at full strength until he mastered it
I forgive him though. do you guys. I fully forgive him. as long as it actually worked oh please god let it have worked
hmm?
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SHE WHAT. WHAT’S HER QUIRK GODDAMMIT
he’s screaming at Eri (even though she’s not there) that he needs her “in order to realize Pops’s ambition”
well too bad
Ryuukyuu looks very concerned, and I didn’t understand why, but then I remembered that even though Deku and Eri got to safety, the rest of them are all still stuck down there with him lol
it honestly didn’t even occur to me to be concerned. I don’t know why. I just assume they can handle themselves
NIGHTEYE WHY ARE YOU TALKING
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I mean, we already knew that though
omg
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...well shit
but I mean. did he really see that? because if so, that’s officially the first vision he’s had that we 100% know is not going to come true. so I guess they’re not infallible after all
and of course Ochako is FREAKING OUT now
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oh no but she’s falling down now for some reason
(ETA: I guess she’s still fatigued from all the vitality-absorbing attacks earlier)
Nighteye says that he saw it
Ryuukyuu’s turning in disbelief asking him if he thinks they’d just go along with what he’s saying after hearing that
but he says that in their current condition they can’t win
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EXACTLY
Nighteye is all “...”
and he’s giving Tsuyu directions to where Mirio is
and he’s asking Ochako and Ryuukyuu to help him to the surface omg
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF
meanwhile back on the surface, Deku is landing!
and HIS LEGS AREN’T BROKEN OMG
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IT’S ERI’S QUIRK
he’s asking her about it!
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oh shit and now something’s happening
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“RRIP” is not a good fx for one’s body to be making, generally speaking. though jury is still out on “ZZGGGG”
oh shit
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look Overhaul, I’m going to allow you to make one last stand for just long enough that you can explain how this quirk works. and then you can fucking die
he says she doesn’t know how to stop it
siiiiiiiiiigh
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you really went and made yourself into a giant Zelda boss. and made yourself into its fucking tongue
anyway he’s continuing to explain, and it seems it is indeed a time-rewinding quirk
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actually that quirk sounds amazing. once she’s able to control it she’s going to be a BEAST. offensively and defensively this is a winner. I can’t believe she had to put up with so many assholes telling her she’s cursed. cursed with being fucking awesome, maybe
(ETA: question, the way Overhaul phrases this makes it sound like she can rewind literally anything. do we know if there is a limit? is it limited to just living things, or organic materials? or is it literally anything, because if yes, holy shit though?)
Overhaul’s telling Deku to return Eri to him. hahahahaha. full of jokes now, are ya
“there’s no way to stop her other than her disassembly” um, nah. pretty sure she’s capable of stopping herself if they can get her to calm down. which could probably easily be accomplished if you would just kindly step off and go fuck yourself
anyway, Deku’s strapping Eri to his back. oh damn
he gets it now. the instant his leg broke, she reverted it before he could even feel the pain
he says it’s a kind, gentle quirk
oh my god Deku yes. say it louder for her to hear!
oh
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oh baby girl it’s okay
oh fucking shit, of course Deku immediately thinks of how to appropriate this quirk for his own reckless needs
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DEKU YOU SELF-DESTRUCTIVE LITTLE LUNATIC
(ETA: “CONSTANTLY ACCUMULATING INJURIES AT AN EVEN GREATER SPEED...!” jesus christ he is so fucking excited to have found this new and revolutionary way to wreck his body more efficiently than ever!!)
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HIS HAIR SPIKED UP LIKE ALL MIGHT’S OMG!!??
DID THE SHAPE OF HIS FUCKING FACE CHANGE?? IT LOOKS MORE ANGULAR AND LIKE HIS BABY FAT IS SOMEHOW GONE ALL OF A SUDDEN?
I WISH I COULD SEE HIS MUSCLES, ARE THEY ALL BIG
(ETA: normal! so we’re still not sure how All Might does it, but that’s okay)
THIS KID IS ACTUALLY INSANE. “WILL YOU LEND ME YOUR POWER” FUCKING MAYBE ASK THAT BEFORE YOU GO AND DO THIS
NIGHTEYE REALLY PREDICTED HIM DYING EVEN AT ALL MIGHT LEVELS OF STRENGTH? JUST HOW BADLY IS HE SOMEHOW GOING TO MANAGE TO FUCK THIS UP
OH MY GOD LET’S KEEP READING AND FIND OUT
BONUS:
okay first off we have an “afterword” by Horikoshi announcing that this arc will finally come to an end in the next volume, and thanking everyone who’s sent him fan letters, and apologizing that he doesn’t have time to respond to them
he also talks about how tired he is and how energy drinks aren’t as effective anymore
I’m pretty worried about him burning out now tbh. Jump always works their best mangaka to the bone, and it’s a problem
other than that, there’s just the back of the volume 17 cover, which has Eri clutching her beloved Lemilliocape and more or less looking like she’s come straight out of some sort of apocalyptic AU
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how did her clothes and bandages get so raggedy omg. Overhaul is just the worst caretaker in the history of time
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canaryatlaw · 6 years ago
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okay I should write, but it’s officially been my birthday for 40 minutes!! So that’s fun. sadly I’ll have to entertain myself for most of the day, but I’ll probably sleep in and then maybe go out to some of the shops on main street (like Francesca’s) and do some shopping, and then later on I’m gonna go to Olive Garden with Jess and then to see Captain Marvel and then get ice cream for part 1 of birthday celebrations, part 2 will be on Saturday when we can go up to where they have the cheesecake factory and the fancy movie theatre where we will go to eat and see Shazam, so I’m excited for that. But anyway, today. I was in and out of sleep for a bit before getting up around 1ish. I spent a while just getting breakfast and checking things out on my computer. When I was done with that, I grabbed the receipt the dry cleaner’s had given me to get their phone number, the clothes were supposed to be ready by today but the receipt said “ready by 5 pm” on that day, so I wanted to call and make sure they were ready before I came down there, so I called and they said they were so I got ready and started walking there. It was like high 30′s today which is colder than the last few days at least so I grabbed my winter coat, but that was definitely a mistake as I started overheating very quickly. I made the walk down and stopped at the chase bank along the way to get cash since the dry cleaner’s had signs saying “cash payments are appreciated” and Chase is my bank so I get free ATM use, so I stopped in there and got some cash from the ATM before continuing on. The whole transaction was easy enough, I gave them the receipt and they brought the clothes out, I paid the amount specified and was good to go. Since I was now carrying a decent amount of clothing, I was gonna see if I could catch the bus back instead of walking the half a mile or so it is carrying the clothes, but this would depend how close the next bus was since it’d be pointless to wait for it for like 10 minutes. so I checked the bus tracker and it said the next one was only 3 minutes away, so I was pleased with that. the bus was kinda crowded and stopped at every stop along the way, but it was at least less physical exertion and knowing that my arms would’ve been killing me if I walked home. so I got home and put the clothes away, and then started my next task of dyeing my hair. I do dearly love my bright red hair, but I’m at the point where I can’t let something as stupid as hair color jeopardize my chance of getting a job, especially when I have *the* interview on Wednesday, so it had to go. I can’t even remember the last time I used a box kit on my own hair, but it got the job done. It was like a auburnish color, brown and red mix kind of. I was a little worried it wouldn’t quite turn out that color because the hair it was going on was so bright, but that didn’t end up being a problem. but yeah, I’ve done this enough to know how it works, so getting it in wasn’t an issue. it said to only wait 25 minutes before rinsing which seemed kind of short to me, but I kept to it pretty much. They said no shampoo for 24 hours, just rinse and use their conditioning thing, the same basic stuff, so that was no problem. Once I was done with that I set out to do my final planned task for the day, which was cleaning up the kitchen, mainly by taking out the trash and doing the dishes. The trash was WAY overdue to be taken out, to the point where there were some paper bags outside the trash bin also filled with trash. so I tried to pull the overstuffed bag out, only to find the bottom of it had ripped, and leaked god knows what all over the bottom of the trash bin. WELL CRAP. so I had to grab another trash bag and stretch it into the trash bin, then lower the first one into it and over it so it wouldn’t leak everywhere. it was....difficult lol. But I took that out along with the paper bags and the cardboard for recycling. I did my best to clean most of what I could out of the trash bin, but some of it I just couldn’t reach despite my best efforts, so I ended up just putting a new trash bag in and figured we’ll deal with it at some point in the future. From there I started doing the dishes, putting away the clean ones and washing through the dirty ones, then putting those away, so everything in the kitchen was handled. It was fairly close to 7 when Arrow was on at this point so I got some dinner and went to the den and turned the tv on for that, set to livetweet for the dctvpodcasts twitter account. Interesting episode, probably kept my attention more than most of the episodes so far this season, but that’s not saying very much I suppose. It was fairly obvious to me that Emiko was all in with the bad guys, not being coerced into it. I was NOT PREPARED for the reveal in the last flashback regarding the queen’s gambit, though I was a little confused as to who exactly was pulling the strings and who did the actual work there, was she working with Merlyn or what? weird. Otherwise in the plot, my lawyer brain had to jump to the obvious 4th amendment issues with Felicity’s proposed tracking system. not that they would care about silly little things like constitutional rights here. The whole subplot with Dinah and Laurel was?? weird?? normally I enjoy my girls interacting but this week was just kinda funky. I am of course looking forward to what next week will bring since it of course features the return of Sara which I am eagerly awaiting, so here’s hoping that will be a great episode. After Arrow was over I switched over to 9-1-1 which had just started, which was a pretty good episode. I swear this show makes me cry every damn week lol it plays on my emotions very well, but I very much enjoyed the plot with Howie the firefighter guy (still terrible with character names) and his journey as to how he got where he was and of course for it to end with him being stabbed and unconscious after encountering Maddie’s violent ex-husband who was coming to kidnap her. So I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see how that plays out. After that I switched over to The Fix since that was airing then. It was a decent episode, I’m not totally in love with the show but it’s had some good moments. It’s VERY obvious they’re closely tracking the OJ case and what might have been if he had ended up in this situation (which is of course to be expected given that one of the writers/producers is the OJ prosecutor). It’s interesting for me to see the tactics the defense attorney was using and how they blew up in his face so badly this week, and seeing them play the secret tapes Jessica had made for the media to see and them cutting to his daughter when he had just promised to her that he had never hit Jessica and now she was finding out that was a huge lie....that was very well done. so I’m still on board for now, we’ll see where it goes from here. After that I just watched the news for a bit and then some Jimmy Kimmel before starting to get ready for bed, didn’t need to shower since I did so earlier when I was getting the hair dye out, so I took my pills and grabbed my computer to start writing this and now I am here. It’s 1:16 am and I am getting a bit sleepy, so I think I will end this here. Looking forward to birthday fun tomorrow. Goodnight peeps. I hope my birthday is a great day for you too.
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bugband · 6 years ago
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ooo i'd love to hear abt john's primal scream therapy. spill!
oo hello! there's a lot of tea to spill so i'll do my best to not sound like a babbling idiot. i'm also so surprised at how obscure this period truly is. thinking of that is strange because due to john being an extremely public figure you wouldn't expect many parts of his life to be very obscure at all. before i continue, trigger warnings are included. depression, alcoholism and overall dark themes are mentioned but not too heavily. (i changed my usual aesthetic which is lowercase letters to make looking at this more pleasing to the eyes)
This is gonna be a long one. 
What is primal scream therapy?
 At the time of John’s time in primal therapy, it’d been a new concept developed by Arthur Janov. One of the two subjects that interested John would be his book “The Primal Scream” published in 1970. John was said to have gulped the whole book down in a full sitting. The concept of primal scream therapy is difficult to understand or to even describe for another to fully comprehend what’s being told to them unless one has actually been in the therapy itself (as a person who hasn’t participated in it myself lol it’s difficult to explain). The concept of this particular therapy is to explore and relive your past painful, traumatizing experiences and to realize your own pain. It’s a very upfront way to experience your pain and in a way it could help raise an understanding as to where the pain comes from. In a very half-assed way of explaining it; you cry, you talk and scream in a way that’s referred to as a “primal” as a way to help released bottled up emotions. 
"Well, his thing is to feel the pain that's accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. I had to do it to really kill off all the religious myths. In the therapy you really feel every painful moment of your life -- it's excruciating, you are forced to realise that your pain, the kind that makes you wake up afraid with your heart pounding, is really yours and not the result of somebody up in the sky. It's the result of your parents and your environment…
As I realised this it all started to fall into place. This therapy forced me to have done with all the God shit...... Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it...... [It's] facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven….
"The therapy is like a very slow acid trip which happens naturally in your body. It is hard to talk about, you know, because you feel 'I am pain' and it sounds sort of arbitrary, but pain to me now has a different meaning because of having physically felt all these extraordinary repressions. It was like taking gloves off, and feeling your own skin for the first time. - John  
  John said it the best out of anybody. It’s known as a very controversial thing, this therapy, because it forces you to relive things many people who seek therapy don’t wish to experience again as they possibly tried to block certain past events out and was seen by many as an unjust form of therapy. 
Why was John there?
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  John’s reason was primarily his childhood. While his childhood could be discussed in a different place as it’s own lengthy topic, he’d always had a difficult time dealing with the things that had happened in his life. His own form of therapy was numbing; through alcohol and drugs, stimulants to help numb himself and the world around him to current situations he couldn’t handle. John had available outlets to unleash his feelings of hurt and sadness such as Cynthia, but there was a force within himself to keep such feelings to himself. He had a guard built up around himself that he used to protect himself from outside forces such as exposing his inner feelings. This would be his “tough” attitude and aura that he used to not give himself away. The facade. He saw exposure as making him weak. The only times his state of mind or true feelings came out was through anger or destructiveness and through his personal favorite outlet: music. 
"Art is only a way of expressing pain. I mean the reason Yoko does such far out stuff is that it's a far out kind of pain she went through." - John  
  John had gone through much, simply. His uncle’s death- the man who pretty much was John’s surrogate father emotionally and physically-, his mother- and then Stu- all separated by a few years. More people in his life went than an average person would experience in a lifetime. All ripped John apart. John wanted to find out how to live with his own pain and depression and he sought out to this therapy. The main appeal was to unleash so much he’d bottled up, things that were capable of literally driving him mad.
The theory made sense to John. He'd been hurt in his childhood by the rejection of his father and the removal from his mother's care, and his character had been formed by this pain. In order to survive he had to ignore his feelings and live by the code of behavior authorized by his Aunt Mimi. He learned that to act on his feelings was not socially acceptable, and he therefore suppressed them. They would rise to the surface only when he was angry or drunk. The moments in his songwriting that he'd always been most proud of were those when he'd let his feelings dominate-"In My Life," "Help," "Strawberry Fields Forever."
(I didn’t get too detailed with his childhood as that is a conversation of it’s own)
What were the sessions like?
  After reading Janov’s book, John was completely enthralled. While John was living in Tittenhurst, he managed to contact Janov with the interest of participating in the therapy with a few problems standing in their way:
Locations.
  Janov and his therapy was American based. John’d been residing in England at that time meaning either or would have to leave their countries to start the therapy. John’s rights to visit the country hadn’t been great therefore making it difficult for him to leave England. Janov couldn’t leave his patients behind for an extended amount of time. However, that’s what he ended up doing to treat John.
Tittenhurst had a studio being built inside the home (which we saw in completion in 1971). This made upcoming sessions difficult for both Janov and John to focus completely in the therapy.
   The sessions started in April of 1970. Janov soon landed at John’s home and John’s condition at that time even shocked him- a man who’d been confronted with broken people everyday of his life.  
 “When he arrived, Janov was shocked to see John's condition. It was as if he had been through a complete nervous breakdown. He had ended up locking himself in. "He couldn't get out of his house," says Janov. "He couldn't get out of his room. He was in very bad shape. He'd had a lifetime of pain. The drugs he was taking didn't do him much good because they opened him up. After a while his defenses just crumbled. He couldn't function anymore."
"I've rarely seen pain like John's, and I've seen a lot of pain," says Janov. "It was mostly about his mother but quite a bit about Brian (Epstein) that I can't talk about. Also his relationship with Mimi. Mimi had been tough on him, There was almost more pain than you could possibly imagine. It would put him on the floor, and he'd lay there writhing around. He would scream, but he told me that he hadn't known how to scream. Yoko had had to teach him.”  - Janov
It’s a heartbreaking description really. John was severely depressed.
  The therapy sessions continued in LA after April. Janov prompted John to a different hotel than Yoko’s on top of the sessions where they’d be separated and alone many times. As the therapy was still developing, John had been one of the first patients of primal therapy and his sessions were actually quite innovative for the research that went into developing the therapy after him. They’d been videotaped, under John’s reluctant agreement. However, depending on who you might be, it might be disappointing or good that these tapes will never be revealed to the public for confidential reasons. Sadly I cannot go into deep detail about the conversations inside the sessions themselves as those haven’t- and wont,- be revealed due to John’s privacy. However, Janov has spoken generally about what was discussed. We do know for sure that John’s mom Julia was a frequent topic when discussing his childhood. Religion came up on occasions. This is the part where things unfortunately become vague.
 + More about the surroundings here 
When asked about how the therapy was for him, John said this:
 “Part of it was not to self-control yourself, in any way. That included anything so I would just eat and eat and eat. And it was all very well for the mind, but for the body it was terrible. But the idea was, “Well, I am an artist, not a model, so fuck it. I wonder who I try to please .. . ? It was me I was trying to please, I found out; too late, after I’d got about 5 million pounds. And I wore the same clothes for two years. I had two things: a jumpsuit — not a fashionable one; one you get to do the plumbing in. I had two of them. And that’s all I wore for almost two years. In the middle of the Chanuk thing I got fat as hell. I was living on chocolate and Dr. Pepper … I mean, Chanuk was an idiot, but he was not bad. His therapy was good. It was just he was a pain in the neck. So I got big, and I wore the same clothes … I got used to it. I didn’t feel terrible about it, but I didn’t enjoy it. I was a slob.” - John 
  John was always his own harshest critic. He was more self deprecating than insightful to the therapy sessions themselves here.
  Overall, John screamed, John cried, and he felt a great weight come off his shoulders- after a long, long time.
   He’d spent months in therapy but because of John’s immigration, not John’s decision to suddenly leave, forced the therapy to halt. In Janov’s words, they’d opened him up but weren’t able to put him back together again. The therapy was not meant to completely cure John or to “fix” him in any way but the therapy was not meant to be abruptly cut off. 
  John’s first album Plastic Ono Band (which is commonly deemed as his greatest solo work or even one of the greatest albums of all time) was the product of these sessions. John transferred discussions from the therapy to this album as well as aspects of his childhood that make it uncannily like an autobiography where John says “Hi, I’m John Lennon. This is my story.”
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(John in the early months of 1971. Photos of him during those summer-fall months of the therapy sessions are hard to come by, if they happen to exist)
well! that does it. apologies for making this answer novel-length but hopefully i didn’t sound like a babbling idiot. 
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flarebossmalva · 6 years ago
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okay i have a long rant in my system about this game and i haven’t even finished watching the let’s play, but fuck it, i gotta talk about it. bullet points to make this more coherent hopefully also under cut
of our three main characters, markus is by far the most interesting right now and i’m thrown because i didn’t even know he, like, existed. all i’ve heard from the fandom is connor this connor that and markus is right there? anyway. markus is in a pretty unique position because he’s been taking care of this elderly artist, who’s disabled — confined to a wheelchair with some kind of chronic or terminal condition — and the artist treats him like his son, in a way. in one scene i liked, he encourages markus to try painting; markus’s first attempt is technically skilled, but just a straightforward representation of what he sees, so the painter encourages him to try again and this time try to depict something abstract, like a feeling. now, most humans don’t seem to think robots have feelings, and connor even said that only deviant (rogue) androids experience emotions, but i don’t think that’s true, because 1) markus was able to paint his own feelings just fine and 2) it seems that the androids experience things more or less the way humans do, they’re just programmed not to have free will, which makes them appear unemotional. anyway, this artist does have an actual son, but he’s kind of a fuckup of a young man who’s also got a drug problem; the three of them get in a confrontation after the artist refuses to help his son financially (because it’s obvious he’s withdrawing from something and plans to spend the cash on drugs), and i’m sure there are a lot of different ways this can play out but the way it went in this playthrough is that markus was provoked into self-defense, accidentally killed the son, and was then shot by cops and left for dead in a junkyard full of not-quite-dead robots. he put himself back together and i’m quite interested to see what he does now; his story seems like it has the potential to play out in a lot of different ways.
then we have connor, who is a top-of-the-line prototype model assigned to help a cop who, as it happens, really can’t stand androids. unfortunately for this cop all the cases he gets involve rogue androids. his bits of the story are pretty interesting because we get to see how the cops deal with androids, which... well, they don’t deal with it very well at all, let’s put it that way. humans investigating crimes involving androids don’t seem to be very good at it, because the usual markers of bloodstains and fingerprints can’t be relied on (android blood is blue and doesn’t leave traces visible to the human eye, and they don’t leave fingerprints) and also because the department doesn’t really seem to give a shit about androids and all crime involving them seems to be low-priority work that no one wants to do. that means the spike in rogue android activity is being taken way less seriously than it probably should be, but considering that the cop solution is to immediately start shooting i guess it’s good they don’t grasp what’s happening. the cop connor is assigned to work with seems like he could potentially change his views on androids depending on choices made throughout the game, and there’s actually one thing i do like about this mechanic — what seems to work best is having connor be honest about the ways in which he’s not human, because i think the root of this particular cop’s issue with androids is that he feels they’re essentially faking being people. i don’t like this as an oppression allegory but i like it as a trope about robots when the robots are allowed to be nonhuman; i think having robots who were created to mimic humans learn to embrace their differences from humanity is the most interesting way to go about it and i hope that this game is gonna do more than flirt with that, despite its title lol
connor himself is hard for me to get a read on, but at this point in the game he’s just been following orders and directives. i do know that there seem to be a lot of opportunities for him to get his ass murdered, but if that happens they just replace him with an identical model who i guess has the same memories too. in this lp he’s only died once but it was a close thing enough times that i think you could definitely kill him a lot if you were actively trying to do it. honestly that mechanic alone is so far the only interesting thing about connor.
and then there’s kara. since she’s the only playable woman, i assume we’ll eventually get a shower scene or an attempted sexual assault scene, because david cage is like that. however so far her scenes have mainly been about trying to protect alice, the little girl i mentioned in previous posts. in one scene that felt like it could have gone a lot of different ways, kara intervened to stop alice’s dad from physically abusing her and the two of them fled on foot. kara’s now attempting to pass as human while keeping alice out of harm, which makes her parts of the story by far the tensest scenes because you constantly have to look out for the kid. i know this is a gimmicky way to up the stakes, but i’m not mad about it because it seems to work. i suspect alice is actually of pivotal importance to the game as a whole, if only because she’s by far the most sympathetic human character, but that remains to be seen. i’m cautiously interested in this part of the story, because while it’s got my attention so far i cannot trust this game to be smart about things.
and now we get to my main gripe with the whole thing. i’ll try not to go on too long about it, but here’s my issue with DBH in a nutshell: it’ll give you fucking whiplash from how fast it goes from being an engaging story about androids navigating a world in which they quite literally lack free will to making incredibly dim-witted and outright insulting comparisons between the struggles of androids in the game and the struggles of oppressed humans in real life. one minute the game is doing what sci-fi should and giving us an insightful take on the imaginary issues it’s set up, one that you could even relate back to real-world happenings if you wanted, and the next we have a scene where the androids have to sit in the back of a bus because the front of the bus is reserved for humans. if it was consistently stupid i would have given up on it right away, but it’s not, and that pisses me off more than if it was dumb from start to finish. honestly i’m mostly watching because i’m writing my own story dealing with very humanlike androids in a near-future setting and this explores some of the same stuff i’m aiming to get at, but fully half of it is so dumb i wanna cry. at least hopefully the popularity of this game and the conversations happening around it will inspire more intelligent fiction about androids?
lastly. this game is only set like forty years in the future. you cannot convince me that forty years from now racism will be a non-issue in america, or that americans forty years from now aren’t gonna be like “hey, segregating androids and humans in exactly the same way we used to segregate white americans from black americans might make us look really bad, maybe we should come up with different ways to be bigots so we aren’t instantly called on it.” yet this game has so far completely avoided discussing actual racism, or even indicating to what extent it’s still a problem. i’m not even gonna get into how Bad that is when you’re trying to do social commentary because it’s bad enough just as a writing decision. exploring how the way humans treat other humans affects the way humans treat androids is an obvious thing to do with this premise and i don’t know why this game seems to be actively avoiding it. 
anyway. i’m gonna keep watching, i want to see this through to the end, but i already know it’s gonna keep pissing me off. at times this flirts hardcore with being an intelligent piece of writing but it seems more enamored overall with being stupid. 
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artpharos · 7 years ago
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Arty’s VGC 2018 SG Open Team- 2nd Place Finisher
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Anyway I figure since I FINALLY LEGIT PLACED WELL AT A REGIONALS-LEVEL EVENT even if it was just a 38-man regional sobs I’m just gonna write a summary of a team I’m proud of even if they’re technically not that good oops 
Put under cut because it’s long haha I put a lot of thought on my pokemon vgc teams weeps
So I haven’t had a lot of success in VGC 18. Not since the actual VGC 18 format, anyway. I’ve struggled to find a team composition I feel comfortable with, and I’ve had a lot of trouble relearning all my forgotten skills and regaining confidence in myself, especially since I was Out of Action for like... 2 years. But then after watching Brazil Internationals, I realized a lot of the standard ‘meta’ teams had this really gaping weakness to Bisharp and... I really missed Bisharp a lot. So then, I popped onto Showdown, placed Bisharp onto a team I was working on which was then Kangaskhan/Zapdos/Tapu Fini/Snorlax/Gothitelle/Landorus-T and then realized if I replaced Goth with Bisharp I needed another setup sweeper. I remembered back in VGC 13 that Volcarona was a good partner for Bisharp (or vice versa tbh) and I played a few games and then a month later I was in the top 100 on Showdown. And after staring at the team for a while I realized it had a strange resemblance to my 2015 team (Kangaskhan/Talonflame/Sylveon/Bisharp/Landorus-T/Rotom-Wash), which would explain why I was strangely comfortable with it. So then I ran it in a few tournaments, top cut a few MSSes, had a friend talk me over my mental blocks, and got 2nd at Singapore Open. Anyway, a breakdown of the team:  Potato Kangaskhan @ Kangaskhanite   Ability: Scrappy   Level: 50   EVs: 252 HP / 252 Atk / 4 SpD   Adamant Nature   - Fake Out   - Double-Edge   - Low Kick   - Ice Punch  
Throughout the season, people have been telling me since Jan 1 2018 that Kangaskhan Is Bad. And after a whole season and 38 teams of Kangaskhan, I can finally come to the conclusion that yes, on paper, Kangaskhan is a Bad Mon. Kangaskhan, as a mon, just isn’t as good as in 2015, when she was the overwhelming force of the metagame. The Parental Bond nerf has seriously hurt her damage, and Psychic Terrain makes it difficult for Kang’s primary support option (Fake Out) to be completely useful. The loss of Power-Up Punch, and the general increase of offensiveness in the metagame, and Kanga’s neutral matchup towards Intimidate Incineroar have all been factors in why Kangaskhan, in theory, does not work. 
But to be completely honest, whenever I used another Mega I’d just run straight into the stuff they’re automatically weak against and the thing is: Unlike the other Megas, Kangaskhan has technically no matchup that she automatically loses. It just feels a lot easier to put Kangaskhan into a position where she can do work, and I can accept the shift of her role from Primary Attacker to Offensive Support, relying on her to deal constant damage for the team and providing Fake Out support. 
So a breakdown on Potato. I’ve tried all sorts of Kangaskhan, and for the longest time I was convinced that Jolly was the only way to go because without the max speed investment, you’d be unable to outspeed stuff like Tapu Lele and Charizard. However, Jolly Kang always ran into the problem of being outsped ANYWAY since Tapu Koko, Kartana, Mega Metagross and other random fast pokemon exist, and without any investment in her HP she can’t take hits that well. So after trying out my friend’s team, I finally decided on the Super Bulky Kangaskhan with 0 speed investment. I’m still not content with the bulk-speed ratio on Potato, but with the way that the metagame is so matchup dependent, I feel like it’s safer to be bulky than not. In fact, after recent battles, I think if I had to improve Kangaskhan, it’d be to actually drop her attack (since you’re still going to get intimidated to Kingdom Come anyway) and invest in her bulk some more. 
Anyway, on to the moves. Fake Out because Kangaskhan is still, in my opinion, the best Fake Outer in the game, especially with Scrappy to hit ghost types (Hi Mimikyu!) and the ability to outspeed the other premier Fake Outer (Incineroar). Double-Edge for the consistently painful damage that OHKOs stuff like Tapu Koko and Charizard Y, Low Kick to deal 70% to Snorlax/almost OHKO Stakataka/random heavy things like Tyranitar and 4hp Heatran, and Ice Punch to still OHKO 4hp Landorus-T even after Intimidate. Potato functioned more as cleanup, or to clear certain threats that my main sweepers didn’t want to fight. 
Cernunos Landorus-Therian @ Groundium Z   Ability: Intimidate   Level: 50   EVs: 20 HP / 252 Atk / 4 Def / 4 SpD / 228 Spe   Jolly Nature   IVs: 0 SpA   - Earthquake   - Rock Slide   - Protect   - Knock Off  
Landorus-Therian is, arguably, the best mon in all of VGC. In fact, in VGC 2018, it’s only matched for utility with Incineroar, who’s also another Intimidating Cat. It’s also been constantly placing at the top (or near to the top) of all the usage stats, and it’s been said that the Best Way to check a Landorus-Therian is to use your own Landorus-Therian. In fact, it’s gone so far that some Landorus-Therian have switched the special scarfed Hidden Power Ice variants I also really liked the scarf Landorus-T variants since that would have helped my matchup vs Metagross+Tapu Lele/Charizard Y and random fast mons like Gengar a lot. However, given that I only have one other Ground-immune (Zapdos), I opted for the Groundium-Z variant, WHICH OHKOS INCINEROAR AFTER AN INTIMIDATE HAH TAKE THAT YOU STUPID CAT  and does a bunch of other neat stuff like being a really powerful nuke, being a single-target ground attack (even if only for one turn), and has the ability to P R O T E C T. Being base 91 speed has its drawbacks, sure, but I hoped to mitigate that somewhat with Tailwind, and once you get an unintimidated Landorus-T on the field with the ability to switch moves+a nuke+x2 speed, it’s definitely a huge boon on your side. 
So Cernny’s set is actually something Coach gave me. Jolly to abuse as much of that fast speed as necessary, attack to maximise the damage output, and the rest in split defenses for some ‘bulky’. His moveset was Earthquake (of course), Rock Slide (for the flinchy flinchy and Charizard Y/Zapdos), Protect and Knock Off because I hate Snorlax and any other mon that uses one of the Super Healing Berries, as compared to the lack of Steel/Normal type mons that you’d usually run Superpower for (and let’s be real, Superpower doesn’t OHKO anything of worth anymore, and without a scarf it didn’t really make sense to run Superpower). 
Castor Bisharp @ Life Orb   Ability: Defiant   Level: 50   EVs: 252 Atk / 4 SpD / 252 Spe   Adamant Nature   - Iron Head   - Knock Off   - Sucker Punch   - Protect  
I’ll be honest, Bisharp is pretty much the glue holding the team together. The ability to gain attack boosts from any status drop, and the ability to pull out a powerful priority attack with those boosts can utterly cut through teams that are unprepared for him. All it takes is an Icy Wind or an accuracy drop from Muddy Water, and Castor can go to town. Especially since most teams rely on Intimidate to control opposing physical attackers, Defiant/Competitive users like Bisharp and Milotic can do a lot of work in the right conditions. Moreover, dark is an extremely good attacking type, even now, and with the ability to hit Fairies super effectively with Iron Head, Bisharp has almost perfect neutral coverage for most of the metagame (with the exceptions being idk Blaziken and Lucario). 
I was running Adamant Nature with max speed and Life Orb because that was the damage calculation/spread I was used to since 2015. Bisharp’s moveset is Iron Head for comfortable STAB, Knock Off to take out berries and also potentially KO weakened Cresses/other bulky mons/stop Snorlax before their berries trigger. Sucker Punch is priority, which helps me pin and maneuver around faster mons, and Protect is Protect lol. At max speed, Bisharp outspeeds most spreads of Tapu Bulu/Tapu Fini, Heatran, and also my own Kangaskhan, which allows me to make some silly plays like Knock Offing a Porygon 2′s Eviolite before Double-Edging into them, destroying fairy redirectors like Togekiss, or limiting Cresselia’s Ally Switch utility by taking out the supporters before Kang attacks. 
Curry Volcarona @ Firium Z   Ability: Flame Body   Level: 50   EVs: 4 HP / 92 Def / 192 SpA / 220 Spe   Modest Nature   IVs: 0 Atk   - Quiver Dance   - Heat Wave   - Giga Drain   - Protect  
I admit I named Volcarona Curry for certain very blatant biases BUT ANYWAY. I haven’t actually used Volcarona that well in VGC at all, dabbling in it only at the start of 2018 with a Salamence/Azumarill team that Did Not Work because I always felt that Volcarona was better off setting up Quiver Dance and sweeping than playing Rage Powder. Remembering that VGC 13 had a Volcarona+Bisharp team working super well for my brother, I decided to try it in VGC 18 because why not. Volcarona had 135 SAtk and with a Quiver Dance, I bet Inferno Overdrive would be extremely spicy. The other item choice that has been recommended to me time and time again is a Super Healing Berry, but to be completely honest I’m perfectly happy with having a secondary nuke in case I can’t land Tectonic Rage for whatever reason. 
Volcarona pairs well with Bisharp, Kangaskhan, and Tapu Fini, being able to clear steel/grass types as well as luring in stuff like Landorus-T into the battle (which its teammates can then take out before Volcarona starts quiver dancing). Volcarona is not a ‘good’ mon; it has far too many weaknesses and requires a lot of ifs to set up properly, and even then it’s main stab is Heat Wave and its defenses are, to put it mildly, shit. However, with most of the metagame being physically defensive, being able to set up a powerful special attacker that gets boosts in speed/special defense/special attack can seriously nuke a lot of teams to oblivion. 
So, Volcarona ran Quiver Dance, Heat Wave, and Protect. Modest 192 SAtk was to maximize my Special Attack as much as possible, but I do know that at +1, in the Sun, Volcarona’s Inferno Overdrive has been able to net OHKOs on Charizard Y of all things. 220 Speed was to outspeed modest Tapu Lele, 4HP/92Def was to survive a -1 Spread Landorus-T Rock Slide. Giga Drain was run to have a better way to deal with Tapu Fini and Milotic, but even at +1 Volcarona will still die to Hydro Vortex so that’s something to keep an eye out for. 
Vegetable Zapdos @ Iapapa Berry   Ability: Pressure   Level: 50   EVs: 28 HP / 4 Def / 252 SpA / 4 SpD / 220 Spe   Timid Nature   - Thunderbolt   - Heat Wave   - Tailwind   - Sky Drop  
Zapdos has been something I’ve slowly grown accustomed to over the season. Without Talonflame, I’ve been searching for another Tailwinder that provided the sort of support/pairing ability with Landorus-T that I just couldn’t find elsewhere. While I am more used to the Misty Seed/Roost version, I just felt that it was far too passive and didn’t really feel like it could help contribute to the team with a low speed stat that the Misty Seed variants run (ie, set up Tailwind before dying to a Charizard Y Overheat). In the end, I decided to try something slightly different- not the Gigavolt Havoc Zapdos, but the fast speedy Tailwind support with Iapapa Berry. While it worked somewhat well, I realized that my team had issues with Azu+Redirector support, so I decided to toss Sky Drop onto Zapdos (something I learned from playing Hawlucha earlier in the metagame).
Sky Drop easily opens a lot of doors for my team, being able to stall out Trick Room, Tailwind, deal with redirectors, and force mons into not being able to Protect the next turn when they’re dropped. While my Zapdos spread meant that it was actually exceedingly frail for a Zapdos, it’s also an extremely good utility mon, if used properly (Hint: I still haven’t completely figured it out yet).
Thunderbolt for obligatory STAB. Tailwind helped support my team a lot, since the majority of them were slow and would greatly appreciate the speed advantage. Heat Wave was chosen over HP Ice because of the great Kartana weakness I seemed to have, as well as being able to threaten the 3hko on Mega Metagross. And Sky Drop is... Sky Drop. (Fun fact: I still haven’t completely understood all of Sky Drop’s mechanics yet, isn’t it fun?)
Ultimately, Vegetable started off as a mon I didn’t really like, but it is incredibly necessary for this team to work. If there is one thing I would change, I would drop its Satk and try to figure out a bulkier spread and go max speed Timid simply because I am tired of not having the ability to speed tie Charizard Y. 
Melusine Tapu Fini @ Mago Berry   Ability: Misty Surge   Level: 50   EVs: 236 HP / 4 Def / 196 SpA / 12 SpD / 60 Spe   Calm Nature   IVs: 0 Atk   - Scald   - Moonblast   - Calm Mind   - Protect  
So finally, the Tapu of my team. Tapu Fini easily loses out to ALL THE OTHER TAPUS of the metagame, but it also has one of the best terrain abilities. Immunity to status? Yes Please. Also, being the slowest Tapu (barring some really slow Leles/Bulus), it is almost guaranteed Terrain Control on turn 1. 
I opted for the Calm Mind variant of Tapu Fini because I Like Setting Up, and also Fini just doesn’t do enough damage otherwise. Calm Mind also helps shore up its special defense, giving it a chance versus Tapu Lele and occasionally Tapu Koko/Charizard Y/MGengar/other random powerful special attacking mons. I’m using the standard CM Tapu Fini EV spread, which allows it to outspeed slow Bulu while dealing some really nice damage with its STABS. 
While most Tapu Fini opt for Muddy Water, I’ve lost far too many games from Muddy Water missing, so I decided to go for the more reliable and slightly more powerful single-target Scald. Thus far, I have not regretted that decision. Moonblast for fairy STAB because you need Fairy STAB somewhere on your team to deal with Kommo-O, and Protect because this should be totally standard by now.
AND I HAVE SPENT 2 HOURS WRITING A LONG DRAWN SUMMARY OF MY TEAM. I’M EXTREMELY PROUD OF HOW WELL THEY DID, OF SOME OF THE BATTLES I’VE MANAGED TO PLAY WITH THEM, and while I’m not certain if I want to bring them to Worlds, I’m glad that this is the team that finally helped me overcome my own weaknesses and gave me my confidence back to play. 
Tl;dr: I really love pokemon vgc and I really love this team 
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mollafer · 7 years ago
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Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I’ve been searching through two different books trying to find this story, and I finally found it. 
So, I think this is an interesting theory, but I have one of my own:
Basically, this whole situation was Colonel Stephen Moylan’s fault. This dude sent a letter to Washington that just talked about Tallmadge’s shortcomings, including the procuring of necessary supplies and equipment, as well as the treatment of his platoon’s horses. In my opinion, the colonel was probably just jealous of Washington’s and Tallmadge’s relationship, and wanted to throw Ben under the bus. 
In Tallmadge’s defense, he tried very hard to gather supplies and take care of the horses, but it was extremely difficult without the money he needed. Tallmadge was constantly concerned about money, and wrote Congress very often asking for more money for supplies. He actually ended up paying for more supplies, mounts, and even paying his soldiers’ salaries out of his own pocket.
So, I really think Tallmadge actually did drop the ball and didn’t take care of his horses, but he couldn’t take care of them since he didn’t have the money he needed. He was probably stressed out anyway about the lack of money, and of course other problems in the army, so I kinda don’t blame him for screwing up, but Washington probably wouldn’t have found out anyway if it wasn’t for Moylan, so I’m just gonna blame him lol. And to be fair, the harsh letter that Washington sent Tallmadge was also sent to Moylan, so he got in trouble too. 
Tallmadge attempted to defend himself. He wrote back to Washington saying they were lacking supplies and his soldiers weren’t paying attention to their duties. He didn’t want to take responsibility for the slip up, but eventually he must of realized it was his fault, because he offered his resignation to Washington, but of course Washington didn’t accept. Their relationship was rather tense at this point, and they didn’t talk for awhile, but I guess Washington let it go and forgave Tallmadge a few months later.
But yeah, I don’t think Tallmadge took the fall for anyone. He probably just felt like his soldiers weren’t doing their jobs and that they couldn’t take care of the horses without supplies, but he tried his best to defend himself to Washington. I think he knew it was really his own fault that his platoon was in such bad condition, but he was also probably pissed at Moylan for ratting him out.
Thank you so much for the theory though, @iwasthatlostcause! You could possibly be right too, but I guess we’ll never really know for sure. 
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furederiko · 7 years ago
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The month of November 2017 had the show toying around with the idea of Blood Stalk's true identity, as well as Ryuuga's ascension to hero status. Was it successful?
I'll start with my classic note. This was meant to go up yesterday, and it could even be done Sunday night since I saw the recent episode live. But as usual... a 'Best Match' combination of my unreliable internet and my swaying health condition (yours truly and his limited internet have been both under bad weather for a good while) jeopardized my wonderful plan. Hmmm... IllBandwith form then? ;D As I've stated on my previous recap-view (that was posted earlier this month), starting with this one I will cover a batch of episodes that aired throughout one whole month. Since this one's for November, you can expect episode 10, 11, and 12. Enjoy!
10 - "Scheming Snake"
- Let's get one annoying bit out first. That scene where the three Prime Ministers meet and reveal their Lock Cards? One of the poorly-acted piece I've seen in the show so far, if not in ANY Tokusatsu. Come on, must they behave like disciplined robots, all lining up like school boys... when it's pretty much a casual meeting and not a televised event? And that over the top response by Midou and Tajimi? Those didn't feel natural. FAKE even, thus they grated on my nerves. - Thankfully, that's the only bad thing about this episode, as the episode picked up to better things almost immediately. Hmmm... so Sawa is indeed a traitor? That made her motive became... unclear. More than Gentoku who could easily tail Sento and locate where he lived, Sawa ALREADY knew about Misora's location. Heck, she has gone on and off to the secret hideout. If she IS working with Faust, why not hurry up and bring her back to the organization? I hope the answer to this mystery won't be as dumb as the way the writer handled Gentoku. It would be such a wasted potential. - Situation at the Touto building was intense too. Thanks to Stalk controlling the mechanical soldier (note to governments, don't rely on robots for security), there's so many human casualties! Intriguingly, it's too obvious he wanted to betray Gentoku as well, and used the Pandora's Box for his own scheme. I'm surprised that Gentoku didn't see this turn of events coming, when Stalk has been defying his command over and over again. LOL. Night Rogue vs Blood Stalk! - Of course, Ryuuga just had to ruin the moment. After knocking Smash-ed Kawai down, Ryuuga just had to hunt Stalk to the rooftop and became a third wheel. Yep, Sento called him out of the blue to inflitrate the building. An act that felt... forced now that I think of it, because soon after Sento arrived by air to rescue him. Why not just FLEW there right away, then? *sigh*. I guess the episode wanted to see them make up or something. - Double Battle Redux. Ryuuga dealt with Stalk with his glowing fist, and actually almost defeated him, while Build used FireHedgehog to press Rogue. It didn't end well for the latter, as Sento was broken out of his transformation... a condition that sly Rogue immediately capitalized to... take most of Sento's Full Bottles. Apart from one on his hand, the rest filled up the Pandora's Panel. So it's ELEVEN of them. Ain't that a bummer! - Does this mean, Ryuuga is going to become the second Kamen Rider?! Nope. Sento still has the Lock Full Bottle. And with Ryuuga's consent *grins* over his Dragon Full Bottle, Build's new form "The Security Fantasy" KeyDragon debuted. Cool design with great color scheme and neat finisher move aside, the Dragon side overwhelmed Sento that he just had to take them off. That's what you get from shaking that hand-sized Bottle too much too often, Ryuuga! Yeesh, that sounds... dirty somehow. LOL. - Stalk performed a twist, by using the TranSteam Gun to actually free Kawai from his Smash influence (turning it back to the webby Bottle form)! I did NOT know the gimmick could be used for that. This means Sento doesn't have to become a Kamen Rider in the first place, because all he needs is that gun to revert back the Smash. - Before Stalk presumably killed and did something creepy to Kawai, the scientist calls him... wait for it... Katsuragi. Yep, CALLED IT! *grins*... Stalk is INDEED Takumi. At the very least, that seemed to be what the writer wanted us to believe. If poor Kawai's words to be believed, then Takumi possesed a certain technology to 'fake' his death. Not really a tech though, because that creepy thing Stalk did to him? He used his hands to turn Kawai's face into Kuwata's. Yeeessh. How he could even include the glasses is beyond me (filming mistake IMO), but this fit with a snake's ability to... change skin. But wait, what does this mean? Is Sento the real Takumi with a different face then? Probably not that elaborate. I think Takumi killed someone else, and altered the deceased face into his. Suffice to say, he might be the Kamen Rider version of 'Kaijin Nijuu Mensou'. - Another bit that seemingly further hinted that Stalk is Takumi, was that clash of scientific ideals between him and Sento. Goodness grace, I LOVED this argument because both sides have a valid point. The Rider System as a military tool can be used for defense, but it's also designed to 'spill a lot of blood'. Science can be optimized to help people and bring joy, but on the other hand, it has also been used for mass destruction and humanity's decline. This dual-edged function is nothing more than a real life fact that we have witnessed throughout history. - This time around, Rogue got to ruin the fine moment. Mr. Pickpock... er, I mean Gentoku snatched three more Full Bottles from Sento's sleeve (Rabbit, Tank, and Lion). Our hero could no longer transform into RabbitTank, or used his Lion-powered motorcycle. Gentoku also had another win. His father Taizan had a heart-attack after Tajimi and Midou put him at a corner (a MUCH better scene for them compared to the intro). Gentoku has been made the Acting Prime Minister, which would easily put Faust's and Nanba's plan into motion. Dang... that hideous smile. - Oh, and yeah, Misora discovered a bug in the HQ. Should we even wondered who that belongs to?
Overall: This episode went back and forth with distractions, but really, the core of the story was pushing a theory that 'STALK IS TAKUMI'. I admit, it WAS my initial prediction when I started writing this essay too (after I've seen the episode around two weeks ago). But then our next episodes would slowly counter that notion, forcing me to change my tone. I have to hand it to the writers this time, because they somehow managed to fool me. Anyway, the episode was also intense. It had amazing action sequences, and ignoring Gentoku's sinister albeit slightly cheesy maniacal smile (that last shot was completely unnecessary, because it's a little over the top silly to be taken seriously), an excellent choice of cliffhangers. So it's another good one, albeit not as great as the previous two. Why? Because the whole theory was spoiled ahead of time so it wasn't as effective (obviously I had to compare this to Kyuranger episode 37 that aired the same day), and the whole 'bad guy snatching all good guy's collectible' twist was a repeated plot that we've seen... pretty much every year in the franchise. No originality there.
11 - "Hero at a Cross-Z Road"
- "Katsuragi is Stalk?", asked Ryuuga who just couldn't buy it. And after that, we got a new video of Takumi demonstrating... the TranSteam Gun and *drumrolls* Blood Stalk. Oy oy, apparently Stalk was created to be a 'perfect rival' to encourage hazard level's growth. It had a voice altering feature too, which is convenient. As in, ANYONE could become Stalk, even female characters like Sawa (turning into Smash ruled her out) or Misora. Hmmmm... - New Acting Prime Minister wasted no time to piss off the other Prime Ministers. I guess that's what you get when a deranged psychopath and sexual harrasser became a country leader, huh? Nope, I'm not trying to throw a shade to a certain... real life person here. Or am I? Hmmm. Now that he's on top, he's pissing off Stalk too, who used to be his partner in crime. Is that a wise thing to do? Probably not. - Sento's stuck with one Full Bottle, so the only solution to fight Faust was by relegating his Kamen Rider duty to Ryuuga. Well duh, wasn't it too obvious? After all, the Cross-Z gadget's CM has already aired since the previous episode. Problem is, Ryuuga needed to sync with his Cross-Z Dragon first... and that would require a whole episode to accomplish. LOL. - Birdwatcher? Ryuuga's costume cosplay joke already got VERY tiring to see. Can't the writer think of a better joke, or at least ditch this running gag entirely? Anyway, Night Rogue trapped Sento and Ryuuga so he could steal the remaining Full Bottles. Aaaah, the Rogue-Stalk feud has gotten VEEEEEERY tiring too. Felt like it's being dragged out a little too much. - Oh hey, even if the Lock and Dragon Best Match would malfunction, Sento still transformed on the scene. Very briefly *sigh*. You don't think a show entitled "Kamen Rider Build" would let Ryuuga entirely steal the spotlight, do you? Ryuuga tried to follow, but he hasn't had the 'desire to help', so it didn't work. - Sawa totally planted the bug, but instead of capturing her or telling the others, Misora confronted the culprit directly. Not a smart move, girl! Because it ended up causing problem... to Sawa herself. You see, Chairman Nanba is a world class prick. Since Sawa could no longer provide information, he put her for another use: turning her into Smash! That's the price of working and then become useless for bad guys, I guess. By the way, if she could become Smash, that means she didn't have the Hazard Level fit to become a Kamen Rider. Too bad. - Sento tried to deal with her, but couldn't hold his KeyDragon form too long. And Night Rogue has been waiting to snatch the other Full Bottles, because he still required 3 more. For what? Who knows. That's when Ryuuga came to the rescue. Again, predictable much? Turns out, Ryuuga visited Kasumi's grave (it's in Tatsuoka Cemetery Area A5 if you feel like giving tribute too... XD), and discovered a letter written by her encouraging him to help other people. Heeeey wait a sec, WHEN did Kasumi have time to write one? Aaaaah, I see what you did there... Sento! Thank goodness Ryuuga's head a little slow. Oh well, at least we got to see her memory again. - With a new spirit, Ryuuga lit up Sento's Build Driver, combined it with Cross-Z Dragon and transformed into... Kamen Rider REDACTED. Hold on, we already know his official name, right? Well, the show did NOT think so, and would prefer saving it for another episode (NOT kidding! *sigh*). He had a neat transformation, and this new Rider possibly became one of my most favorite second Rider thus far. I really dig his dragon kick attack/effects, and how the dragon part served as some kind of outer armor for the clawed interior. I'd argue he didn't need that Beat Crosser sword, but oh well... the "Million Slash" was cool, and Japanese kids need their toys. - Sawa has been saved, and revealed to the two that she's a spy. Naturally she would change side after this. Which was too bad, because the show could've played around with this potential much longer...
Overall: Aside from several important moment (Sawa x Misora, Ryuuga's reluctance and followed by his bromancing moment with Sento), this episode irritatingly felt dragged out. With a predictable story, it's as if it's a filler or some sort, eventhough it's supposed to be a grand debut for its official second Rider! I'm still a fan of Ryuuga's REDACTED form, but I also think the episode could have been better written and executed. Oh well, I have nothing else to say, so let's move on...
12 - "An Act of Conspiracy"
- Hey... no opening sequence? Was the episode meant to be 'special' then? Hmmm... I honestly can't see how, but let's just play along. Perhaps they need to retool it to insert the new Rider somehow... - Sawa admitted to be a spy for Nanba Heavy Industries, the biggest and influential industrial operation of the country. The company's good label is just a cover up, because they have secretly been doing shady military stuff, including controlling Faust. Turns out Faust has known about Nascita's true nature, but didn't do anything to let the Build team work freely. Was that really the main reason though? - Surprisingly, Sawa had no idea that Gentoku is the government guy who is connected to Chairman Nanba. Turns out, she became a spy in order to prove this link. Why? Her father was a researcher at Nanba General Research Laboratory, and was killed in the explosion set up by the government three years ago. So the whole espionage movement is personal to her too, huh? Well, at least we got a backstory for Sawa... who became the chained one now (goodness, this show sure loves its SM angle). - Thanks to Sawa's lead and Utsumi's leak, Sento and Ryuuga headed towards the abandoned lab. Apparently that's where Faust kept the stolen Pandora's Box. But of course, Night Rogue was in the vicinity, so a fight broke out. Since Sento could only shake off that one yellow Full Bottle, cocky Ryuuga (who got himself his own Build Driver! Aaaawwww ;D) got to be the leading hero. LOL. - Until Stalk showed up and... attacked Rogue, that is. AGAIN. Seriously, the whole riff between the two has been TOO PREDICTABLE that it's not even fun to see anymore! Stalk punched the wall, and what's hidden inside it? Pandora's Box and its Two Panels. One set was filled with Full Bottles (the ones Rogue stole from Sento), with seven others lying around. Ain't that mighty CONVENIENT!!! That means... Sento got to transform too! After all, Bandai still need to sell more toys... - Aaah yes, "The Scheduled Renegade" PirateTrain form debuted. Neat shoulder parts! It's still lacking its own weapon, but Band... I mean Sento would fix that up in the jiffy with the Pirate Platform. The arrow-shaped weapon has four levels of attack, and you can purchase one at.... uhmm, never mind. - Sawa decided to report her findings to Prime Minister Taizan Himuro who has been hospitalized. But the sickly old man was stubborn as always, so there's no way convincing him that someone in the government has been in league with Faust. She was forced to perform an acrobatic move instead! Seriously, that's a gutsy move jumping out of the window like that. I won't be surprised if Marvel Studios' Black Widow is her role model. LOL. - This was where Utsumi became the star of this episode. And by star, in an actual act. After spending 11 episodes basically serving as Gentoku's shadow without being given any distinct personality, things immediately sped up when Nanba old creep turned towards him for help. In an effort to clear both Gentoku's and Nanba Industries' names, Utsumi took on the mantle of Night Rogue as the Faust facility (hidden neatly under an actual dam!) got ambushed by the Touto Government. Oh come on, don't tell me you're surprised by this?! The whole affair was obviously staged, and the turnout was pretty much predictable from the get go. Pawn-boy Utsumi was merely used as a scapegoat, and seemingly got 'killed' in the operation. Sawa got her due last episode, this time it's Utsumi's turn. - Oh wow, that scene at the bridge was... silly. I basically rolled my eyes when Utsumi started monologuing, because the show somehow forced him to showcase emotions like... out of the blue. It's not working, and felt out of his usual stoic character. A great example to how this show LOVES to over-dramatized its moments ("You and I are both inside the same cage"... he said earlier. Yeesh!). Also... I think it's pretty clear that he was only sniped by Gentoku in the shoulder. His fall was NOT that high, so we totally would be seeing him more in the future. Beside, if Utsumi could transform into Rogue, that means his Hazard Level is high enough to become a Kamen Rider. - Sawa wanted to leave Nascita because her role has been completed. Sento said that's not the case, meaning she has been forgiven and now a full-time member of the team. Ryuuga also received an official name for his Rider form. Kamen Rider Cross-Z. Now where have we heard that before? What a real shocker this was!!! LOL. - This episode ended with Nabeshima calling Sento, saying that his memory has started coming back to him. He also secretly mentioned the name of the guy who told him to frame Ryuuga as Katsuragi's murderer... as the camera panned towards the coffee bean jar. - Really? Was that a hint of some sort? Another mere redherring? Because if it's indeed a hint, then it must be foreshadowing the one and only character related to coffee: Souichi Isurugi. By elimination only, who else among the series regulars with a mysterious shady past? Frankly... I'm not too sure I would enjoy this twist if it turns out to be the case. Unfortunately, I realized the signs are all there too. Remember how he had that startling magical ability back in episode 2? Just compare that to what Stalk did to poor Kawai just two episode prior to this one. Both involved... 'ALTERING SHAPE'! Uuugggggh. Let's just say... though it's sad to admit, I'd be completely surprised if Souichi is NOT the mastermind behind all things.
Overall: The last episode for November was a peculiar one. Aside from that sweet ending with Sawa, the entire episode felt... staged. Yes, just like poor Utsumi's sudden change in character. Does this mean Faust has been disbanded? Where would the show go from here now? Will it continue playing circles among its regulars? In a way, it's getting a bit hard to predict. But then after one stops and thinks about it, some things just feel too obvious and predictable. I'm starting to realize that I've developed an unhealthy love-hate relationship with this series. After it got better, the trajectory has gone south all over again. It's not bad, it has its devoted fans, and I will probably keep watching at least until 6-7 episodes. But I also want to be pleasantly surprised, the way "Uchu Sentai Kyuranger" has succeeded in. Is that too much to ask for? Next Episode: Meet the Mind-Master... *mindblown*
Episode 10 Score: 7,9 out of 10 Episode 11 Score: 7,7 out of 10 Episode 12 Score: 7,2 out of 10
All images are screencaptured from the series, provided by the FanSubber Over-Time. "Kamen Rider Build" is produced by TOEI, and airs every Sunday on TV-Asahi. Credits and copyrights belong to their respective owners.
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Late to the party: Should Video Game Journalists be good at video games?
You might have seen that cuphead video where some video game journalist spent over a minute trying to get past the tutorial and then proceeded to get railed over and over in the first level. The video is a little less than 27 minutes long and he doesn’t get through the first level in those 27 minutes. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=848Y1Uu5Htk Take note that the original title was Cuphead Demo at Gamescom: It Isn’t Easy
What you probably didn’t see was the description in the video. No one reads those but I think there’s a lot to pick apart and ramble about at 4:30 in the morning because I’m a lonely sack of shit with nothing better to do
But here’s the man himself writing to his defense: https://venturebeat.com/2017/09/08/the-deanbeat-our-cuphead-runneth-over/
My game crime: I was so bad at playing I was deemed unfit to be a game journalist. My Cuphead gameplay video from Gamescom blew up, inspired rage, and spurred discussions about the death of game journalism across Reddit, YouTube, and Twitter.
Don’t flatter yourself that much. People were talking about how game journalism was dead well before your video. Hell, you even mention GamerGate later in your article. 
It was a failure to communicate.
In the description of the video, they mention that the guy playing the game isn’t good at platformers in general and the video was uploaded as a joke. I don’t know how true that last part is, but assuming it is, they’ve apparently put in 0 effort to make that clear. No tongue in cheek title like “Let’s Fail at Cuphead!” or giving context in the description. Only after shit hit the fan did they edit the description explaining why the guy sucked so bad. 
I only wish my two books on the Xbox business generated as much attention as the Cuphead story. It is a humbling experience.
It would help if you books were available to buy at the store. I’ve been in plenty of book stores and haven’t found anything about Xbox business practices. There are ones partially written by Anita Sarkeesian though so I guess that’s close enough.
The more people looked at my poor gameplay, which I myself labeled shameful, the angrier they got. I played the tutorial so ineptly — failing to read the onscreen instructions to jump and dash simultaneously — and then went on, failing to conquer a single level. I said it was hard, and the fans saw my gameplay and decided I was a poor judge of difficulty. By a ratio of more than 12-to-1, the ratings on the YouTube video are negative. It wasn’t just the troglodytes of the internet who hated it. Most people hated it.
You failed an incredibly simple puzzle, one that literal children can figure out, and you want to throw out insults like “troglodytes” at people saying you were shit because they either didn’t see or don’t buy the “lol it’s just a prank bro” deflection.
Another game journalist (and some say “shitlord”
Including you or someone from your website in the description of the video itself:  A shitlord on Twitter also linked to this video and claimed these are the same people doing reviews. 
The guy they’re talking about is Ian Miles Cheong. Once a turbo feminist switched sides to a more pro-gamer stance during the whole GamerGate thing. Outside of that, I don’t know much about him and I don’t give enough of a shit about him to find out. 
He clipped it to the 2.5 minutes of the most damning inept gameplay, and he posted it to his followers. He used me to condemn all game journalists
The guy is literally a video game journalist though so it wouldn’t be a condemnation of all video game journalist. Just pointing out that you (and presumably others) are awful at video games despite being paid to write about them. Which is true. Like if this was a video of some 4 year old failing the tutorial, there wouldn’t be this ire. 
Raising the smoldering issues around Gamergate and its focus on game journalism ethics. His post was political propaganda for the disenfranchised gamers, the sort who went from Gamergate to the alt-right and elected Donald Trump as president.
At least you admit GamerGate was about ethics. The fact you then went on to then claim that its proponents went on to support the alt-right and got Trump elected is fucking horse shit for a few reasons. 
1. GamerGate was comprised of various people of various different political backgrounds. Yes, some members were what we’d now call the alt-right, but a lot of its members were also incredibly left leaning. A few political compass tests were taken over the course of GamerGate and it seems a huge portion of its membership were what’s described as left libertarians. 
2. Of all the reasons Trump was elected, gamers aren’t one of them. The shit system that is the electoral college. Mass propaganda efforts from Russia. A bunch of idiots who’d literally vote Republican even if Hitler rose from the dead and was the nominee simply because they’ll always vote Republican no matter what....but not a bunch of gamers upset over poor practices in video game journalism and attempts at shaming and censoring from SJWs. 
Get fucking real, Dean. You’re out of your element. 
Before he got to it, my video had maybe 10,000 views. Afterward, the Gamergaters, or hardline reactionaries — or whatever we would like to call them 
How about people who know how to play video games. I wonder if there’s a name for that. 
Crying conservative boogyman doesn’t help your own personal cause and it certainly doesn’t help your political side either. 
— believed this narrative fit into their views about game journalists just fine
That’s because even before this clip, there was a general negative opinion of video game journalists and here you are proving that it’s pretty well founded. Not only are a lot of them unethical, but some of them fucking suck at their jobs objectively. 
I despise how this was triggered by a viral post that represented the worst of fake news
Fake news is a Trump term. ALT RIGHTIST! ALT RIGHTIST! DEAN TAKAHASHI SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP! 
Hmmmm, maybe that’s a stupid line of reasoning. Tell you what. I won’t use it if you don’t either? Deal? 
So he continues on whining about haters, giving his own life story, and he actually has the balls to say this: But during all of the time I have written about games, none of my bosses cared about exactly how good I was at playing. They required basic knowledge and competence, but not skill on an esports level.
He whines frequently about how mean people are for saying he shouldn’t be a games journalist if he sucks so bad at video games....and then goes on to say that the thing his bosses cared about was the very thing that people were pointing out he utterly lacks. 
Not a skill on an e-sports level? Nigga, you were playing a tutorial! Stop acting like people are demanding the world of you and realize that people require you have basic knowledge and competence. 
So blatantly dishonest. 
Guess what? Unskillful gaming is authentic.
That’s literally the excuse DSP uses to justify being bad at video games and leaving in all of the footage of him bumbling around not knowing that he’s doing. 
Here’s where my nonapology starts. Gamers need to stop being mean to those who aren’t skillful. They don’t need to put others down to elevate their own subculture. Games have gone viral. They’re more popular than ever, reaching 2 billion people around the world. They have become a $108 billion industry. It’s silly to look down on games.
No one’s looking down on games and no one’s looking down on people for no other reason than their lack of skill. For a lot of people if they’re having trouble, people will be more than willing to provide advice and pointers. Just ask any question about how to do something in a game on a game related subreddit and people will be perfectly fine to tell you how things are done without insulting you.
The fact that you’ve spent so much time playing and reviewing games, and it’s literally your job, is where it starts to cross the line. Games are 2 billion people and 100 billion dollar strong industry as you’ve said so clearly the ire thrown at games journalists who suck ass at their job isn’t a problem within the industry. 
That industry will grow bigger, and gamers will get better games, if we embrace the new gamers. 
You. Are. Not. A. New. Gamer. 
Stop acting like you’re defending other people getting shit when it isn’t other people who are a problem. This deflection is as apparent as it is pathetic. No one’s going after Minecraftkid2003 because he couldn’t figure out redstone when he first came across it. They’re pointing out that Dean  Takahashi, a video game journalist with 18 years worth of experience and has himself boasted he was playing video games since Pong isn’t able to figure out a simple problem solving exercise any faster than a goddamn pigeon. 
We don’t need to dumb games down. 
And then he says 
We can have adjustable difficulty, so that the unskilled and skilled alike can play. We can make tutorials even easier than the one that I failed at so miserably.
Alright, dumbass. I’m sure everyone reading this has seen the video I linked. Here’s what the tutorial required. It required you to jump on a box....and then jump in the air...and then use a dash move to get over a pillar that’s too high to jump over from the ground. 
There’s no losing conditions. Time is infinite. There’s no enemies. There’s no bottomless platforms of thing chasing you...it’s literally the easiest part of the game second to moving around map itself. How the fuck can it get easier? Does it need to outright say “Alright Dean, now comes the doozy. You need to press this button and then this button afterwords to solve the exact same problem. Here’s an animation of what it should look like. Can you follow it, Dean? I’ll play the animation over and over on the top of the screen so you can see what you’re supposed to do. If you do it, you get a gold star and Anita will give you the good boy award!”
No, I’m not blaming the developer for my own shortcomings. I respect the designers, even if I didn’t truly understand at first the games they’ve made. I would just like to make sure that they make their games for people who are new, or noobs, as well as hardcore fans.
Cuphead is specifically designed to be a challenging platformer for gamers who like more challenge. Designing it to be easier, especially a tutorial that has no losing condition, is counterproductive to what the devs want to achieve. It’s like asking Stephen King to tone down the horror in his books so that non-horror fans can enjoy them too without being too scared. 
If you want an easy platformer designed with everyone in mind, there’s plenty of great games that will fill that roll. Not every game needs to be made for everyone.
As Nolan Bushnell, cofounder of Atari, said, games should be easy to learn and hard to master. (Yes, I know Cuphead’s tutorial isn’t that hard to learn).
Then what’s the fucking issue, ding dong? 
No, I’m not celebrating mediocrity
You literally just did when you whined that Cuphead wasn’t designed for noobs in mind. Here’s one big thing though: You were’t even mediocre at it. Garfield is mediocre. You were just awful. 
like the Antonio Salieri character in Amadeus. I’m arguing that all gamers, casual or hardcore, deserve recognition.
They do, but not in cuphead. And all gamers aren’t paid to write their opinions on video games. 
We are not all going to be esports stars who rake in millions of dollars. 
You’ve been at this for 18 years and got money for it. You got to play a demo that a lot of people much more skilled and much more deserving would have liked to play and you did poorly at it because you couldn’t figure out how to do 2 step logic. 
But we’re going to be the masses of unskilled players who make the game companies, including the makers of Cuphead, as rich as they can possibly be.
If there’s one happy ending, it’s that Cuphead did do well on the market showing that contrary to what Dean believes, it isn’t a good idea for all games to be dumbed down to the point where even video game journalists are able to play. 
The rest is more sob story and personal history. 
---
So what are my final thoughts? Well first of all, if you can’t solve a simple 2 step logic puzzle in part of a game with literally no losing conditions, you really are stupid. Pro or noob, there’s some point where you have to wonder how dumb the person with the controller is. There’s plenty of cases like the previously DarkSydePhil and also this blast from the past from IJustine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkYxfjJ72k4 Like seriously: use your eyes and brain homie!
But what about being just generally bad at games or just not knowing how to play well? It doesn’t matter. Contrary to what Dean thinks, tons of people aren’t going to be major assholes to you just because you picked up a game for the first time, don’t know the ropes, but decide to record yourself playing and slowly learning them. Plenty of let’s players do blind runs where they go into a game with no prior knowledge of it and yeah, they make mistakes but people are generally cool about it. 
However, there’s a point where making these silly mistakes over and over becomes...something of an issue. I’ve been driving for several years. If I legitimately couldn’t figure out which pedal is the break and which is the gas after all this time, it would be fair grounds to call me a dumbass or wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with my brain. As people do something more and more, it’s expected that they’re better at it than someone completely new. When someone does that thing for a job, it’s expected that they’re better at it than the average joe. 
And that’s the big thing here that Dean never addresses: it’s his job. He writes more about the tech than he does actual gameplay, yes, but he still boasts in his own article that he’s been in the industry for 18 years and have been playing games since Pong. 
It’s not even the rest of the video that was the issue but instead those 2.5 minutes (which he complained about Miles Ian Cheong trimming the video down to as a highlight) where he’s unable to solve that simple two step logic puzzle in a tutorial level. I drove cars for years because I have to get from point A to point B and it’s beyond walking distance and it would already be stupid if I couldn’t figure out the absolute basics of it. If I reviewed cars for a living and drove cars for longer than most car drivers have been alive for and I couldn’t figure out the basics of starting it, that would be beyond pathetic. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that would be able to describe that amount of disconnect between the experience I should have and the amount I display. 
He constantly hides behind the idea that we’re not all professional e-sport people and gamers come at all skill levels...but he’s not at all skill levels. He’s literally a professional. Playing and reviewing games is literally his profession just like writing code or cooking meals is a profession.
You know how on Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsey gets so pissed off at people who don’t know the basics of cooking and how to handle a kitchen even though it’s their job and they should have learned that in training? It’s like that. We’re basically Gordon Ramsey here watching some guy call himself a chef and his output is microwave heated frozen mac and cheese that’s somehow still raw and yet also on fire. And he wonders why people are yelling at him over the internet. 
Should video game journalists be good at video games? Yes! Just like food critics should understand how to cook a meal or reviewers of literature should know how to read! I don’t even know why video game journalists are trying to make this a contestable point. If you suck at your job, either get better....or don’t have you job! Get another one! 
I’m aware that this whole thing is a bit of old hat and I’m rambling on more and more than this guy deserves, but it is indicative of a larger problem within the industry. Just like the Zoe Quinn thing or the doritos pope thing was indicative of issues in the larger industry. Video game journalism has an effect and if some of them aren’t able to beat a simple tutorial level and then without any hint of irony, whine that video games should be easier when people call him out on it....it’s just baffling. 
It’s now 5:45 and I still have nothing better to do lol so I guess I guess it’s time for a few final words
I don’t think this event will lead to GamerGate 2. Hell, one article defending this guy had the title that GamerGate 1 never really ended. I don’t know how true it is but it seems over three years later since it started, the issues and arguments that were the foundation of GamerGate are still a bit relevant. But now there’s a new one: Some video game journalists are not only unethical....but they’re also utterly incapable! 
Anyways, join me next time as I’m even more late to the party and write my epic response Martin Luther’s 95 Thesis followed by a point by point breakdown of Oag the Caveman’s declaration of “Fire bad!”
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sage-nebula · 8 years ago
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Mystic Messenger - Entry Seven
Aaand we’re back, with a very appropriately named entry. If you missed it, Entry Six is here, and I highly recommend reading it, because we left off on a very heartbreaking note that is referenced in the very first screencap I have:
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I mean, he had that conversation with me, so yes, Yoosung, I read it. Please use your head a little. =P I didn’t take any more screencaps of this particular part of the conversation, because a lot of it was ground we had already tread, what with being worried about Seven and the dangers of his agency job, et cetera. At one point the fact that Yoosung’s mother is now staying with him was brought up, but then the conversation swung back around to Seven thanks to Yoosung:
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Thanks.
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I mean . . . I can’t really deny this . . . especially since I know, thanks to the VNM moments, that it’s true . . . but it still makes me feel bad. T__T He doesn’t need to potentially get himself killed because of me. I am not worth that.
Anyway, the conversation shifted again, back to Yoosung’s mom. He’s not supposed to play LOLOL with her there, and he’s not supposed to be on his phone, either. He was only in this chat because she was sleeping, but---
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I know that feel, tbh. There were quite a few times growing up when I had to be careful not to be caught on electronics after curfew. Thank god I am an adult living on my own now, tbh. I CAN MAKE ALL THE BAD CHOICES I WANT AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.
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I love how Jaehee also played along a little, lolololol. Make the soap, Yoosung. Just do us all a favor and don’t make it according to Fight Club’s instructions, thanks.
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I know Seven will protect me, but WHO WILL PROTECT HIM. T__T The fact that Jaehee brought up the “Seven will protect you” out of the blue was touching to me, but I am so worried about him . . . honestly, I wish I could protect him, but so far I haven’t had that option and somehow I get the feeling that the game won’t give it to me . . .
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That’s an extremely fitting number of gold hearts at the top there, so I had to cap it while it lasted. ♥ Lucky, lucky~♥ And on a more story-oriented note---
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Literally could not resist, lol. IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THE TIME FOR DRAGGING ZEN WAS OVER, YOU THOUGHT WRONG. IT’S ALWAYS TIME TO DRAG ZEN. EVERY OPPORTUNITY IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO DRAG ZEN.
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I mean, same, tbh. I hate to agree with Zen about anything, but . . . same.
Anyway, at some point after this there was a chat with Seven. I’m missing a lot of screenshots (I guess I got too wrapped up in the story and perhaps forgot to take them, whoops), but when Seven returned he tried to brush everything off as him feeling too sentimental because of the late hour, lack of sleep, and overwork. He claimed that everything was fine and that it was just “late night sentimentality”, et cetera. (I’m pretty sure we were in a chat with Jumin at the time, too.) I do know that I played along with him a bit, saying that I had also heard of that “condition”, and even Jumin played along a little bit by telling a story of a man who had died because he climbed up onto his roof to look at the moon due to how beautiful it was / how sentimental it made him feel, but then he fell to his death. And at that point:
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I’m actually not sure what that emoji is supposed to be. It was a moving one, and here’s the other frame:
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Is it supposed to be, like, a kissing one? I’ve tried to Google a bit, but I can’t find a descriptor for it. =/ Well, anyway, moving on.
The conversation moved on a bit, with Jumin asking if Seven had heard from V yet, the answer to which is, obviously, still no. (Honestly, V, what are you doin’.) And that actually led to a bit of Seven’s lovely humor:
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(For context: Jumin was currently somewhere in the middle east for a meeting with an oil prince. I’m not just being lazy, that is literally what is said in the narrative. Jaehee sent him there so he wouldn’t have time to work on more cat businesses.)
Anyway, the conversation moved on again, with Jumin bringing Seven’s distress back to the forefront again. Even though Seven had tried to brush off what happened as late-night sentimentality, Jumin still tried to offer some advice. And that advice is . . .
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I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. In my defense, “you can’t focus because of me lol” was the right answer anyway. And plus, it gave Seven another cute moment of channeling the Tenth Doctor:
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And Jumin that funny moment of saying “. . . anyway” to try and move on the conversation away from the banter and back to the original subject. We talked a bit more about this, and while I am absolutely amused that Jumin took the opportunity to drag Zen out of the blue (finally biting back at Zen the way Zen has honestly been attacking him all game):
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I have to say that, in the end:
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“To be honest, I don’t like that he told Seven to just get rid of his emotions.” 
Like, I understand Jumin’s point: It is absolutely true that Seven is having difficulty focusing on his work because he’s too busy worrying about me, and it’s also true that he has to do his work for the agency, et cetera. But the problem with telling Seven---and I mean specifically Seven---to “get rid of his emotions” is that Seven is already in a state where he believes that he, as a person, doesn’t matter. He has pretty much no regard for his own health, safety, or security, and he seems to have had it drilled into his head that he isn’t allowed to have feelings or people that he cares about. Vanderwood in particular keeps repeatedly drilling this into him. So by telling him that he has to get rid of his emotions, what Jumin is actually doing is furthering the damage the agency has already done. That isn’t Jumin’s intention, of course---Jumin is legitimately only trying to help Seven focus---but that’s what he’s doing, and I don’t like it. Seven doesn’t need to dissociate or repress his feelings even more than he already has; he deserves to live an emotionally healthy, stable life with people who love him, and I’m glad I had the opportunity to say that.
[/soapbox]
Anyway, that conversation continued along that vein for a bit, with all of us talking about how emotions are important, et cetera, you get the drill. That’s not important. What is important is that there was another VNM after that, featuring our old friend WEIRDO!
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UH-OH. (Sorry for taking the screencap like this. I didn’t realize until four messages in that I should have been taking screencaps all along.)
So I had already figured out before that Weirdo had his sights set on me, and this pretty much confirms it, since “CCTV in the hallway” is the defining set-up of the apartment I’m currently trapped in (i.e. Rika’s old apartment). I should mention that I’m not the only thing in that apartment that Weirdo is after. If you’ll remember, all of the classified information for the RFA is in that apartment, and while I might not have included screencaps of this before, Jumin mentioned at one point that there was an incident at the last party where some hacker group tried to get the guest list information due to all of the high-profile people who had attended. Seven had thwarted that attempt, but it’s not out of the question that Weirdo here is part of an organization (“Mint Eye”) that also wants that information, on top of wanting me.
And trust me---he wants me.
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Okay,
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This plan makes no sense.
I mean, obviously he wants to use me to get at Seven, whom he hates for some reason (more on that in a second), so that I understand. I also understand that this is part of some grand scheme against the RFA, and that the information he seeks is very valuable (hence why it’s classified to begin with)---all of that makes sense. But the part about using me as a plant doesn’t make sense at all, because---
Why?
Here’s the thing:
When this game started out, I knew nothing. Literally, the game starts out with Weirdo contacting me through a chat app on my phone (that would later become the RFA app), sending me to Rika’s apartment under the pretense of returning the phone that he (Weirdo) had found. We were supposed to meet there or something, it didn’t make a lot of sense. But the point I’m trying to make here is that I didn’t even know Weirdo’s name. I had no idea who he was, or what the RFA was, or who any of these people were. And it wasn’t like he had asked me to get the information for him, like, “Please talk to them and get this information once you’re in the apartment” --- that was never established. Aside from the very bizarre message in the chat that left me shook a couple entries ago, Weirdo hadn’t made an attempt to contact me again at all. So how, pray tell, did Weirdo plan to use me to get this information? How? Was he planning to hack the security system while Seven was distracted by The Party™? Because if he knows Seven, he should know better. He should know that wouldn’t work. So in that case, wouldn’t it make more sense to plant someone from Mint Eye, sending them to the apartment instead under the pretense of being a completely innocent person that just so happened to be sent to the apartment? They could pull the same stunt they did with me, only fabricating the entire thing so that the person could act as a spy, get the information, and get out. Instead, they sent him some stranger off the street (literally) and then didn’t even bother to get the information once she was in there. Like ??? It makes no sense. Who is running this operation? Weirdo? Rika? Whoever came up with this plan is seriously bad at plans. It’s a disaster. Like, I know it’s because the protag had to get there somehow, but come on, that is a terrible plan that makes no sense. Weirdo, you and your entire organization deserve to fail for the stupidity of your plan alone, for real.
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mfw:
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DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME, WEIRDO? DO YOU?? JUST TRY. JUST TRY TO HARM ONE HAIR ON HIS HEAD. I WILL END YOU AND I WON’T EVEN BE SORRY. 
Anyway, that surprisingly was not the end of the VNM, because even though we finished up with Weirdo, we flipped over to Seven’s house, and---
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And then I accidentally clicked too fast through the rest of them (orz sorry for being such a failure), so here:
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me @ Vanderwood: 
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Like, honestly? Those last two lines? How dare they. How DARE they threaten him like that, I’M---! 
But in all honesty, I feel that this is confirmation that there is some kind of tap at Seven’s house, because I’m pretty sure the laughter that Seven heard is Weirdo’s, which means there’s some kind of connection between the two places that Seven doesn’t realize. Considering that Weirdo was aware of what was going on in the RFA chat despite Seven thinking that the chat was safe, I find that to be pretty likely. (It’s also possible that the chat is safe, but that Weirdo knew that Seven was on to him due to overhearing things Seven just said at his house.) Either way, Seven isn’t safe, but he’s not the one that he’s worried about.
There were two phone calls that took place between now and the next VNM (which is the next thing I have screencaps of---no chats). The first was a phone call that Seven placed to me to check on me, telling me to check in the hallway, outside of the window, et cetera. There were two answer choices: One joking one about finding a cockroach, and the other just “everything is fine”, and there are no guides to tell you which phone choice to pick (I think because the phone choices don’t raise or lower affection, probably), so I picked the second one to reassure him. This was a mistake, because it made him think he was bothering me, so he ended the call quickly. T__T I called him back immediately and he went on about how he picked up even though he shouldn’t have, how he’s not supposed to be talking on the phone because he’ll get in trouble, but his heart is having palpitations and---
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WHAT A DORK, I LOVE HIM.
Anyway, there were no doubt some chats after that (at least one), but there must not have been anything important in them, because I have no caps. Instead, the next caps I have are from another VNM between Seven and Vanderwood, and this---this was when Vanderwood brought up the rival agency that used to exist that their client had hired before:
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Okay, so I originally took this screencap because I laughed at “X-Pile,” because . . . X-Pile . . . X-File . . . you get it. But Seven was like, “Yeah, they used to be a rival agency”, and then Vanderwood goes on to explain that they used to exist because Seven and Vanderwood’s current client (or at least, their agency’s current client, though Seven is the one assigned to the case) had hired X-Pile previously, only X-Pile failed them. More specifically, X-Pile was one minute late getting the requested information, and the client destroyed them so thoroughly that not only did their agency cease to exist, but all of the members are still missing one year later, save for the one who is rumored to be somewhere on the African continent “with a limp.” Their current client is Seriously Bad News™ and Vanderwood is pretty certain that they (Seven and Vanderwood) at the least will literally actually die if Seven does’t get the work done by the deadline, which is basically now since it’s at the end of the day. Seven’s reaction?
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Baby, I don’t blame you. ;_; Though I think it’s a lot more than just his concerns about his own personal safety when working with a psychotic client. I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that the work he’s supposed to be doing for them is heavily implied to be shady af (remember, he thinks that he’s a filthy, awful person), so he both hates the work, and is super stressed out and worried, and has a high probability of being actually murdered because there’s little to no chance that he’s going to get the work done on time.
Anyway, Vanderwood refuses to let him quit, of course, and starts talking about more abuse-as-motivation again, but Seven really needs his space, so he just---
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SEVEN . . . ♥ Keep in mind that Vanderwood had tried to interrupt him several times here (and that Vanderwood does apparently use feminine pronouns---or at least, Seven used one for Vanderwood here), and at one point even asked him if he was “chanting to Buddha” even though “you’re Catholic” (and he is Catholic, so Vanderwood was correct in pointing that out), but Seven just kept chanting nonsense, ignoring Vanderwood except to say (at one point), that he needed to concentrate. But can we take a moment to appreciate some of the gems in this gibberish? Personally, my favorites are:
“plz help”
“life mathz hard”
“follow tehe law”
“neverending life”
Oh, Seven . . . Seven, I love you so much, you clever boy.
Anyway, once Vanderwood left, Seven had the space he needed to once again check the RFA chat and the CCTV feed, but . . .
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THAT’S WHEN THINGS GOT REAL.
Seven noticed that the special security system at the apartment had been hacked. I can’t remember the exact details (and I didn’t take screencaps orz), but essentially, Weirdo had deactivated and reactivated the system, and had adjusted the algorithms just enough to make Seven realize that the system had been compromised. He put the pieces together with everything else that had happened and realized, to his horror, that I was in very real, very imminent danger.
Now, I only have scattered screencaps for these next few parts, which I realize might be disappointing, but in my defense things were very, very intense and I was a bit distracted. Either way, as soon as Seven realized that Weirdo had compromised the special security system at the apartment, he called me, and was immensely relieved when I picked up. However:
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Baby, no. ;__; First of all, you don’t have to be perfect. Second, you’re perfect in my eyes anyway, and third, THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT T__T
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BABY ;A;
Even though Seven had made it very clear that he was super worried and needed to get to me ASAP through the phone call, the next chat that followed was still between the two of us and (obviously) focused on the same topic:
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I mean, tbh, I’ve been trying to get Seven to come to this apartment for (in-game) days now, but at the same time, these . . . are not the circumstances in which I imagined him coming by. Like, this is the first time we’ll ever meet in person. I, personally, wanted that to be a happy meeting, not one under dire circumstances in which Weirdo wants to kidnap me. (Personally, I think Weirdo should bring it, because if I had my way I’d wreck him, but . . .) Either way, as you can see, Seven is VERY DEFINITELY COMING OVER, so . . . fuck the agency, I guess.
And actually, SPEAKING OF---
So earlier, when Seven rattled off nonsense to get Vanderwood to leave, Vanderwood did under the pretense of smoking a cigarette outside. And to be fair, that DOES seem to be what Vanderwood was doing (due to the dialogue). However, it seems that Vanderwood was also calling up the agency, tattling about how Seven still wasn’t finished with the work. I mean, there was a bit thrown in there about how skilled Seven is:
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Except, that’s . . .
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CCS is an acronym which stands for “cascading style sheets”, and it specifically refers to web design. CCS is what we use to make our layouts here on tumblr. It’s what web designers use period in order to design web pages (though there are other coding languages which are used as well, particularly depending on the type of design you want to do---like, HTML and Javascript are also both programming languages, for instance). It’s not really something that you “decode”, at least not in terms of hacking like Vanderwood is implying here. Of course, there are scripts that you can insert into CCS for various purposes; you can hide IP loggers there, for instance, as well as cookies, malware, and other such things to catch someone unaware when they visit a certain page. But I still don’t think that really counts as “decoding” it. I could be wrong, maybe there’s something about decoding CCS that I’m not aware of, but I just don’t see how CCS really fits here, and I feel like this might have been a case of the game devs wanting to sound smart but just kind of . . . missing the mark. Maybe I’m wrong, though. I highly doubt it, but maybe I am.
Anyway.
Despite talking about Seven’s skills and how he was a prodigy, apparently, Vanderwood actually uses this against him. Vanderwood talks about how they hadn’t “properly trained” Seven due to the fact that he was so skilled despite being so young, but---
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mfw:
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STAY. AWAY. FROM MY. BOY. >:(
Fortunately, even if I couldn’t be there to protect Seven, someone else was . . . !
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8D Remember that fire-breathing robot puppy that Seven made for me? ROBOT PUPPY TO THE RESCUE! 
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EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU, THAT IS MY DOG. DON’T YOU DARE INSULT MY DOG, YOU FUCKER. >(
Anyway, RoboDog is a good boy, and proved it by breathing fire at Vanderwood the moment that Vanderwood noticed Seven sneaking into one of his cars. (Not that Seven cared too much that he got caught. He was just like, “Sorry, got somewhere to be, lol bye” and left.) And while that’s all well and good, and Seven got a chance to get out, and there was a brief chat between us (Seven, you are DRIVING) in which Seven said he was on his way but would have to stop the car ten minutes away from the apartment so that he couldn’t be tracked, another VNM kicked in, and . . .
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Oh dear.
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OH DEAR.
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Weirdo goes on to say that he’s also the one who left the creepy messages in the chat, and sent the strange e-mail, and yadda yadda. He explained that everyone in the RFA is nothing but a bunch of frauds and that he alone (along with Mint Eye) can lead the world to prosperity and happiness. Seriously, he insisted, the RFA is fake and full of traitors and can do nothing---
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This is what basically confirms the fact that Rika is the mysterious “savior” in my mind. V was Rika’s boyfriend before her death, and while I’m not sure why Rika would hate Luciel, Weirdo here has more than enough reason (but more on that in a moment), and I can speculate on why Rika would manipulate Weirdo into feeling that way (namely, because she needed someone who could counter and out-hack Seven). Rika could see the fact that V “easily moved on” from her death as a betrayal, and therefore could want to take him down especially, in addition to wanting to dismantle the rest of the RFA. The fact that Weirdo singles out both V and Seven---and the fact that we know that Rika is still alive---only makes sense if you consider that Rika is behind everything.
But enough about that. Let’s get back to the story.
Although Weirdo does try to coax me over to him (despite all the glass on the floor from where he jumped in through the window, shattering it in the process), he also tries to get me to willingly agree to go along with him. And it should be mentioned here that this is about the time in which I was fooled, however briefly, into thinking that I had ended up in the Bad End. The guide I was using said something about how “if you only have one answer selection, you got the bad end”, and for a moment, I did only have one answer selection, instead of all the choices the guide said I was supposed to have. Specifically, I had one that said, “Seven!! Save me!!” (which . . . is so OoC for me personally . . . but I have to just roll with it), and so I just felt my heart sink, like, I nearly shut the game off right there I was so upset. But I decided to keep watching, just in case, and I’m relieved I did, because I realized soon enough that I didn’t have the Bad End and was actually safe all along.
That said, I’m missing some screencaps, so there will be at least one cap with just the transcript log. Sorry about that, but I was clicking through fast because I was upset due to being briefly bamboozled into thinking I had the Bad End, so it was unavoidable.
Anyway, though I was able to tell Weirdo several times that I was not going to go with him, I still had to call out for Seven, and Weirdo . . . did not like that . . .
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Because he is the love of my life and my romantic soulmate (in this game), that’s why. And as it happens---
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RIGHT ON TIME! 8D
Anyway, this is the exact moment in which I was given nothing but the “SEVEN, SAVE ME” answer choice, presumably because Weirdo had grabbed me to use as a hostage (honestly, MM!Scrawlers? You might be more of a babe than I am, but you are clearly not more of a badass than I am =P KICK HIS ASS, I WANT TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, GIVE ME THAT AS AN ANSWER CHOICE), and that’s when I got fooled into thinking I had the Bad End and just clicked through, so here’s the transcript (typing it up because sometimes the logs can be kind of hard to read):
ME: “Seven! Save me!!”
SEVEN: “Scrawlers!”
WEIRDO: “Shit! Why? Why are you here?! I thought I could finally put you in pain . . . !”
SEVEN: “You’re the hacker, right? Guess you’re not completely shameless since you’re covering yourself. You’ll go to jail for breaking and entering like this. Whoa! You broke the window. Scrawlers, be careful of the glass. You’ll get hurt if you step on it.”
ME: Yes, I’m aware glass can cut my feet, I’m not an idiot, thanks. 
SEVEN: “First, why don’t you let go of that lady over there? I hated that the agency made me go through physical training . . . but I guess it did help.”
WEIRDO: “Even now, all you do is just ruin my life . . .”
ME: I know, right? Shame on him for not letting you kidnap and hurt innocent people, like wtf, how dare he, you are so inconvenienced. 
SEVEN: “Huh? You know me?”
WEIRDO: “You probably don’t know. I’m sure you’ve long forgotten about me.” [removes his face mask] “You still don’t know?”
SEVEN: “No way . . .”
WEIRDO: “I guess now you do.”
Okay, so obviously my interjections there aren’t actual canonical dialogue, but they were canonical dialogue in my head, all right. It’s not like I’d snark at Seven like that out loud anyway, and I can deal with Weirdo not knowing how snarky I actually am. It’s okay if MM!Scrawlers is OoC. I can live with it.
Anyway, it’s at this point that I was given two answer choices again and realized that I was not on the Bad End path after all, so! Screencap time!
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I chose the “do you know him” option, and oh boy, does he.
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Look at my babe, he is SHOOK.
The two of them went back and forth for a time; Saeran hates Seven because Seven, in Saeran’s version of events, left him behind in a hellhole after promising him a happy life. Saeran feels that Seven abandoned him, doesn’t care about him, and never did---but Seven protests that this is absolutely not the case, that Rika told Seven that Saeran was happy, that he asked Rika to show him a picture of Saeran smiling and laughing and that she did, that Seven was so very sure that Saeran was taken care of because there was no way that Rika would lie---
But Saeran shouted over him, insisting that Seven was the one who was lying, that Seven didn’t care for him at all, that Seven had legally changed his name to Luciel just to forget about Saeran and leave him in the dust, et cetera. At some point during this (and I don’t remember which point it was), I was given two choices, and the choice that raised Seven’s affection / affected him positively was shouting that I loved him, which . . .
=|
I mean, I do, that’s not a lie, but at the same time the other choice was “LET ME GO” which makes a lot more sense and feels a lot more IC. But that said, I’m in it to WIN IT, so that happened. Unfortunately, shouting that pissed Saeran off even more, who grew irate that we were “lovey-dovey” without him, and decided that oh, well, then he could just hurt me to get back at Seven then, couldn’t he, he knows all sorts of refined torture techniques now---
Seven insisted that, no, I had nothing to do with this, Seven was the one who fucked up, Saeran should let me go and just torture Seven instead, which, honestly, no---
But at that point, the special security system that Seven had re-calibrated kicked in again. It recognized Saeran as a stranger and, as such, had activated a self-destruct mechanism:
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It was at about this time that I bit Saeran (I mean, not exactly what I would do, but god, at least MM!Scrawlers did SOMETHING useful) and got over to Seven’s side, and Saeran---thoroughly pissed that Seven had ruined his plans---swore revenge and left, which deactivated the self-destruct mechanism.
Now, I should say that the choices get really . . . like, there are the Very Obviously Good choices, and then there are the Super Grossly Embarrassing choices, like, it’s cringeworthy how bad the bad choices are. For instance, immediately after Saeran leaves, you have these choices:
“Seven . . . are you okay?”
“Seven . . . I’m scared, hug me.”
LIKE??? Seven is very obviously Shook™ right now, things just went down, he is very familiar with Weirdo and this is causing him great distress, and you’re going to sit here and say you’re scared? Bitch, get it together!!
Fortunately, I’m not that much of a needy asshole, so I of course asked him if he was okay (which, I mean, no, he’s not). The conversation went on a bit, and then I asked him how he knows Saeran . . .
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I mean . . . I wish I could say I was surprised by this, but when you look at them together, Saeran is obviously a re-color of Seven. They have the exact same hairstyle, just different colors. =| So I was not nearly as shook by this revelation as perhaps I ought to have been. Still though, with family like that . . .
Anyway, so Seven asked me to keep Saeran a secret from the other members of the RFA (which I agreed to do because I’m not an asshole), but then said that he was going to stay at the apartment for a while to get the security system back up to where it needs to be / protect me, which! I mean, I’m glad to have him here (I actually do want to hug him, but for his benefit, not mine), but again . . . this isn’t quite how I imagined this going. I really wanted our first meeting to be a happy one. Not . . . this. But that said, the fact that he’s here did lead to a little funny moment in the next chat:
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We’re in the same room and yet we’re both in the chat, smh @ us. But there’s a good reason for it, though; Seven explains that if he posts information about the special security system in the chat, all of the other members of the RFA will be able to see it, and will therefore be in the loop. So it makes sense (even outside of gameplay things), but I still find it funny, so . . . again, smh @ us. But that said:
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Okay, but it’s not nothing, though. I forgot to mention this above (too much else to focus on), but after Seven escaped and Vanderwood got a second away from RoboDog, Vanderwood talked to the agency again and they agreed that they would let Seven go for now, that Vanderwood would finish the work (how, I wonder---I really don’t think Vanderwood is capable), and that they would go after Seven later. Like, that’s not nothing. They want Seven dead (or worse). I am legit worried about him, and I’m wondering if the “Good Ending” is going to be something like, the agency completely wipes his memories and his entire identity and so we can be together, but it’s not really him, it’s the new “Seven” that doesn’t even remember who I am or everything we went through together, and . . . aghhh, I’m really hoping that’s not the case.
But that said? Everything he said here is very sweet and touching, my heart.
Zen joined the chat, then, and we got him caught up to speed (although Seven was very subdued / distracted, which Zen calls him on at one point). The important bits are:
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EH-HEM. =| I beg to differ. I get where Seven’s coming from, I understand that he still believes that Rika would never manipulate his own brother into despising him, but I think . . . I think she did . . . I think she’s Saeran’s savior . . . I’m completely convinced . . . 
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Okay, this wasn’t necessarily important, but it just . . . made me happy at the time. Anyway, shortly after this Seven announced that he was going to go take a shower (and don’t worry, I picked the only decent and good answer choice of thanking him for all that he had done), and it was at that moment that we got a bout of hilarity as Zen finally put the pieces together:
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Now, there was a Bad End answer choice here that was “>_< Now you noticed?” and honestly, as you can tell by my “finally caught on”, that is kind of the way I was feeling . . . but I’m smart, so I went with the Good End answer choice, since honestly I do prefer that one with respect to Seven’s feelings, rather than my constant need to want to drag / snark at Zen:
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As much as I dislike Zen, him having a fucking stroke in the chat over the idea that Seven and I could Get Busy™ slayed me. Even now, I’m grinning about it. 
. . . Unfortunately, that was where the grinning stopped.
So there was another VNM after this, wherein Seven was presumably done with his shower, fully dressed, et cetera. And he . . . well . . . 
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Baby. ;__; I told him that I wasn’t uncomfortable at all, and that he should make himself at home, but:
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Um. Ouch.
I asked him if everything was fine with the agency, and if he was being chased (I know they want him, of course, but my character doesn’t), and he said that yeah, but it’s fine, and he’s used to it, and
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NO T__T WORST END, DON’T DO THAT.
I tried again to coax him out of the corner, figuring he was uncomfortable there, but he refused. I tried to ask him more about his brother, but he again refused to tell me, saying that I had no need to know, that he shouldn’t have even told me what he did, that it’s better if I just forgot it, et cetera. I then asked, “Are you really going to be like this with me?” and that . . . well . . . he---
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mfw:
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Like, OKAY . . . here’s the thing:
It’s FINE with me if he doesn’t want to be my bf. Like, I get it. I get where he’s coming from. And TO BE HONEST, I feel like there are much bigger problems at hand right now than whether or not he’s my bf. Like, for instance, the fact that he has an intelligence agency out for his blood, or the fact that Weirdo is his long-lost twin brother, et cetera. These are far bigger issues and, if I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t want to have to worry about romance either. (It’s another reason why the Bad End answer choices are so goddamn gross, like---goddamn, get a clue, have some sense of decency and awareness, ffs.) So I get all of that, and that’s not why my heart broke.
My heart broke because, like . . . we can at least . . . talk? Be friends? Like, he said “any sort of personal relationship” which, to me, includes friendship. And like, again, I get it if he never wants to see me again after this, that’s fine . . . but right now we’re just sitting in the same apartment in complete silence, not talking at all, and like . . . that sucks. That really sucks. Like I said before, although I second guessed and double-checked myself against the guide, when it comes to Seven, nine times out of ten I’d naturally pick the right choice. I feel, even outside of just wanting to win his route, that we’re naturally compatible. We fit. And so it really, really sucks that we’re just sitting here in complete silence in this apartment, that he doesn’t want to talk at all, that he won’t even sit near me, and while I get why (he’s trying to shut off his feelings), it just . . . it sucks. I didn’t have any ~*~fantasies~*~ about him, however much we joked about a space station wedding, but . . . I thought we were at least friends. I guess . . . I thought wrong. And that’s fine, if he wants that---you don’t need consent to end a relationship, just to start one---but he’s not even acknowledging that he’s ending one. He’s saying it never existed. And that . . . that hurts.
. . . And yes, I’m aware he’s a fictional character and this isn’t real, but I’m INVESTED, god damn it, don’t judge me!!
Anyway, so we’re in the same apartment now, albeit not speaking, which sucks. (And at the risk of being judged, I’ve even imagined a few extraneous, fic-like scenarios that take place during this time, but . . . those can just stay in my head.) I had a chat with Jumin after this in which we talked about how he has returned from his trip to the middle east, and we talked a bit about things going on, et cetera, and at the end of it:
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Jumin, you will call Sir over my dead body, and that’s a fact. =|
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. The story will continue on in Entry Eight. Stay tuned!
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