#I’m just gonna ramble in the tags now ignore my insane mind ok

[patchworkprince]

Ik it’s a bit hypocritical that I get so overwhelmed when I see people spam reblog on my main feed but I want to do the same I just usually don’t bc I think I’d be annoying I just need to stop caring oop I swear I used to not be like this idk

[spynorth]

i haven’t watched this show in so long and i was looking for gifsets the other night and some commentary from people in the tags (my god thats a terrifying tag) had me asking hunter a lot of questions because while he hasn’t seen spooks in years either, that eidetic memory helps out a lot when it comes to remembering every absolute fucking detail but anyways, as to the headcanon post this triggered - I’m gonna get rambly because it’s hard for me to organize disjointed thoughts so just hold on, mates ... don’t abandon ship yet.

There seems to be this idea in the lucas north fandom that he has some sort of break/schism as far as believing he actually is lucas instead of john bateman and while I agree with some of that .. it’s not how my brain is wrapping around it. Are we close enough for this yall? let’s hope we’re close enough for this. anyways, obviously the giant TraumaTM from being in russia causes a whole host of shit days and flashbacks and i know people argue that the entire arc of john vs lucas doesn’t make sense and that the writers destroyed his character but you know what .. it makes for some good fucking food when it comes to character complexities. Ignoring russia and going way back to the beginning, i know that obviously 8 years in a prison and like 17 days of torture really fuck up/break a person ... but there was a trauma response in him way before that. Sketching lightly over the details (i don’t wanna set anything from canon rigidly down bc then i’m beholden to it), when he blows up the embassy and then as a result murders lucas north and assumes his identity ... I’m pretty sure thats some TraumaTM right there, my mates. But the thing is - I don’t think you have to have a sort of psychotic break to start believing the lies you tell yourself. And actually, I don’t even have to say think - I can say know.

I am 32 years old and I’m super comfortable with myself now but I spent upwards of 30 years with my parents lying about how i was down to crazy little details. I had different friends, different social circles, different jokes, different things we did that day, different career choices, different college courses, different hobbies, different favorite foods, different books i read and different music i listened to, i didn’t play videogames, yada yada yada... I had an entire completely different life. When we first moved in together, Hunter would be like ‘what the absolute fuck??’ because i would talk to my mom on the phone or they would visit us and I just slid so easily into this role that i was supposed to play. I knew every detail, I could recall memories of things I had told them in junior high and high school to keep the charade alive and it wasn’t until I started CBT after my mental break in 2016 that I realized that I still to this day have things that are a part of me that make me go wait, did that happen? because i was so dedicated to the role, so to speak, To pull it off completely, I had to embrace it. Think of it as like real life roleplay. I got super good at lying and crafting an insane life for my parents to the fact they were literally none the wiser. Their kid was strung out on drugs and alcohol and had said fuck this to his master’s program and I was ‘put together’ every time they saw me, so it was fine. Mentall illness, being gay, being a nerd .. it’s all super frowned upon in our family so i learned to hide it and not be a disappointment.

 You embrace the lies in order to pull it off. You live it. Your memories sometimes become ‘real’ and you have to really work on sifting through them, but you don’t just forget that it’s not true. I was very aware of who I was and what I was doing so my logic is that my lucas north would be too. he doesn’t forget. does he reach a point where he pushes it to the back of his mind and gives himself the biggest lie of all? that everything is ok? that whole don’t think about it and it doesn’t exist approach? yes. and i think the trauma from russia sort of broke into that. which i mean, was i tortured for 17 days? no. but i had my breaking point in 2015 (blows a kiss to hunter) which people can definitely attest to. and i was so overwrought by the idea of living that double life and having to choose/face consequences or face the fact that i wasn’t who my parents thought i was or who they wanted me to be .. I almost pulled a season 9 plot twist as well (ifkyk). but i was stopped and I got help and I hung in there and I finally am me and my parents have been told to suck it .. but my point is - Lucas is not a hapless victim in my opinion and i will never write him as such. He is very aware of what he is doing. He knows deep down he is not lucas north. he is just trying to ignore that part of him that tells him so.