#I’m happy with how optimistic the end felt after all the horrible trauma they went through

[tsukkisbean]

Congratulations on 500! Can I get A3 with Kuroo, please?

beep beep...a3 detected...thunk!

your item has arrived, thank you for using tsukkibean’s vending machine! we hope to see you again in the future!

pairing: kuroo x gn!reader

genre: angst, rich kid!au

warnings: sad kuroo

word count:1181

prompt: a3. “i don’t need you to succeed” 

a/n: (1) i’m sorry this was an angst please don’t hate me I FELT SO HORRIBLE AFTER YOU SENT AN ASK TELLING ME HOW YOU HOPED KUROO WASN’T ANGST 😭 (2)  there’s a hamilton reference in there so if y’all catch that ily. (3) the hecatoncheires is a creature from greek mythology with 100 hands, don’t ask me how to pronounce it (4) THANK YOU KAT FOR BETA READING <3

kuroo wasn’t afraid of much, yet something about the dark chilled him to the bone. until now he’d been able to convince himself that his fears probably stemmed from some sort of childhood trauma. maybe it was because of that old oak tree outside his window that looked eerily similar to the hecatoncheires. or the fact that he’d watched one too many horror movies past sundown. though plausible options, both were very much incorrect. 

blindly he searches for his phone hidden among the sea of pillows. once in his grasp, the sickeningly bright screen tells him it’s 2:30am. right on time.

today marks the 365th night in which his slumber had become plagued with nightmares. each dream was always different, yet they all ended the exact same way, waking him at the exact same time. it was the cruel way his mind reminded him of his past mistakes.

removing himself from the warmth of his blankets, he makes his way through the empty halls towards his study. it’s become a sort of routine for him, writing down each nightmare just as he remembered them. he hoped that maybe by compartmentalizing his feelings, he’d be able to understand what triggered the onset of nightmares.

but tonight he decides to try something different. once seated at his desk, pen in hand, his hand begins to race across the page.

to my dearest, y/n

did you notice where i placed the comma? i’m sure you would. after all, you were always the one that said the placement of a comma can change the entire meaning of a sentence.

it feels unsettling, writing to you like this. i guess it’s because i haven’t really gotten over the fact that you’re no longer with me. but if i remember correctly (who am i trying to kid, i would never forget this), you were always a sucker for these type of things - sappy love letters that is.

so that’s what this is i guess. my last love letter to you.

where do i begin? “from the beginning” you’d probably say. i miss your sarcasm. 

if i’m being honest, i wasn’t too fond of the idea of meeting you, but i’m sure you felt the same.  after all, who wants to get stuck in a business marriage, especially in this day and age? plus meeting your future partner in the spring, how cliché. 

thank god my friends were at that dinner though, right? youth these days really know how to lighten up the atmosphere. at least them being there gave me the chance to tell you my nifty chemistry joke. do you remember how it went? i’ll tell you again anyways: why did carbon marry hydrogen? they bonded well from the minute they met. don’t think i didn’t see you try not to choke on your water.

i consider our second meeting our first date. i went in with the expectation that it would be purely business talk and it’d be over within the hour. but then you showed up all out of breath in a casual outfit, hair stuck to your sweaty forehead from the summer heat. from a ways away i could see your caretakers, in a panic trying to catch up to you. you pointed into the distance, trying to distract my bodyguard and despite being a trained professional, they fell for it. how thrilling it was to run through the busy streets of tokyo with you, escaping our obligations even if it was only for a few hours.

even to this day i’m not sure if you meant to drag me along because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings or because you wanted me by your side. whatever the reason, i’m glad you did because that was probably the most fun i had in awhile. i missed feeling like i had the freedom to do anything i wanted. it can get tiresome, you know? acting like the perfect child. who am i kidding, you know that better than anyone.

our relationship only spiraled from then on, and soon enough the leaves began to change colour. everyday you showed me a new way to live my life, and so it didn’t take me long to figure out that i’d fallen for you. i can’t tell you how happy i was when you agreed to marry me on your own accord. i’ll admit the way i asked you was kind of cheesy, but can you blame a guy? you were the hydrogen to my carbon. a relationship formed out of obligation, only to become something so much more meaningful. we were made to last.

you know, i’ve been having nightmares since you left. i’ve tried to tell myself it’s just a phase, that eventually things will go back to normal. but after 365 days i think i can finally admit that i hate the night not because i’m afraid of the dark but because it leaves me vulnerable and exposed to my own demons. 

my nightmares start out different but they always end in the same way. all i can see is your figure, walking into the distance. no matter how hard i run, how loud i scream, you never look back. but today was different. i wanted to wake up so bad, i couldn’t live through this scene. not again. 

this time you did turn back, the words you spoke held so much resentment and anger, “i don’t need you to succeed”. your eyes burned with so much hatred, it was probably enough to melt the snow. my heart is still aching as i write this. it was exactly like the day you left me.

i’m sorry i lashed out at you when you said you wanted to be a writer. you were always the more optimistic one between us, and i was always jealous of you for that. when you suggested we pack up and leave - that we start anew and do the things we really wanted to do, i wanted to. i swear. 

you were right to call me a coward. i was scared of leaving the life that was so meticulously planned out for me. i thought i owed it to my parents to inherit their company, to carry on the family legacy. i thought i could provide you with the best life possible if i did everything they told me. i was afraid that if i took that leap of faith only to fall flat on my face, you’d leave me. funny how things work out. truth is, all i needed was you by my side.

you know i attended your book signing yesterday. you looked so happy, chatting with your fans about your newest release. i don’t think you saw me, and even if you did, you probably pretended not to recognize me. after seeing you yesterday, i realized something.

y/n, you were wrong to say you didn’t need me. i like to think that i created that fire within you by calling your dreams childish.

and it’s going to haunt me forever. 

forever yours, kuroo

[matchalattewithice]

what your favorite ajr song says about you probably (minus the overtures and it’s on us)

100 bad days: people pleaser to a fault; rejection sensitivity; hide your feelings so others aren’t worried

3am: late nights in the city are your aesthetic; love blinds you to what you want; instead of confessing you’re content to pine

afterhours: you inhabit a ‘you only live once’ persona; proving people wrong is fun; you’re all about breaking societal norms

alice by the hudson: slow dancing with your s/o is a common daydream; living life in the now is a practice; you devote your entire self to someone

beats: you’re worried your not as good as others; capitalism haunts you; probably experienced short term fame and wondered where it went

big idea: you have a ‘very much fuck the system’ attitude; big believer in creativity; lives in the moment

big white bed: people have said you’re good at comforting people; your dream home is based around a theme of comfort; quiet activities are your go-to relaxing activities

birthday party: feel that you can’t do anything about huge issues; unwilling to fix anything if it makes you unhappy and you hate that about yourself; hard time believing how bad things truly are

break my face: a realistic optimist; you don’t care what happens to you cause it doesn’t matter; you’re emotionally numb

bud like you: you tend to go along with crowd opinions; co-dependency and paranoia are your biggest faults; breaking rules is fun but you have to be extra careful not to get caught

buy you a rose: simple romantic gestures are your forte; being alone is one of a fear; touch-starved

call my dad: adult life is too much because you weren’t prepared; something doesn’t go your way you give up; good parent relationship

come hang out: you were a gifted kid but now can’t do basic schoolwork; you become guilty over not being able to hang out with your friends; probably a victim of emotional abuse from parents

dear winter: you made a promise to yourself to take better care of your kids than your own parents; wanting to be the cool parent; filled with love with no one to give it to

don’t throw out my legos: big changes are hard for you; making mistakes is a constant fear; you probably have a comfort item

drama: you’ve been heavily involved in pointless pettiness; you feel like your friends don’t understand you; you personally know the damage that can spring from rumors and gossip

finale (can’t wait to see what you do next): you managed to do one thing correctly and people expect you to do it again; people put immense pressure on it; you don’t see your successes as successes

growing old on bleecker street: your deepest desire is to grow old with the one you love; traveling isn’t something you pursue; when you love someone you have a deep sense of home

i’m not famous: proving yourself isn’t a problem for you; you can be secretive about things to avoid consequences; you don’t mind the lack of attention you have

i’m ready: can’t ever stay still or stims a lot; general personality is very pumped up and raring to go; you would do almost anything for your s/o

infinity: your first love is one you think on fondly; very traditional when it comes to romance; reminiscing on memories makes you emotional

karma: severe depression; everything seems hopeless and unable to be fixed and you don’t know why; therapy doesn’t help as much as you thought it would

let the games begin: you end up being the only one who puts in any effort for a project; taking charge isn’t a problem when you know you’re the most capable to do so; sometimes you have to take action no matter the consequences

livin’ on love: everyone deserves love is a philosophy you live by; you’ve been in love before; empathy is a feeling very connected to you as a person

my calling: head is always in the clouds; it’s hard to satisfy you; you probably believe in fate

netflix trip: the best way for you to deal with trauma is distraction; your comfort show is a part of you; isolation and being alone are familiar

next up forever: scared of too much attention because you might not live up to expectations; a desperate need for plans; has sever social anxiety

no grass today: advocate for safe drug use; you worry about people being careful; trying new things doesn’t work out for you

normal: you get really lost in new situations and you’re scared to ask for help; you question yourself a lot due to anxiety and being dependent; the only feasible option you see with problems is going to your parents, but they can’t help anymore so you’re forever stuck

pitchfork kids: reading ghost stories and local legends is a pastime; kid-led revolutions are something you support; you probably lost someone due to difference in opinion

pretender: boasting about fooling everyone is a screen for your trauma; it’s hard to think for yourself with all the problems on social media; you feel obligated to do stuff for people to make them like you

role models: you had a famous person you looked up to but you felt betrayed when they did something horrible and now you question fame; you don’t know who to listen to when a scandal emerges; although it doesn’t affect you directly, when something you loved has an awful creater, you’re hurt and confused on what to do

sober up: it’s hard for you to put effort into relationships; substance abuse might be a problem; being numb to the world is the easiest way to avoid getting hurt

the entertainment’s here: you keep yourself busy to avoid overthinking; can come off as overbearing; probably has adhd and/or anxiety

the good part: you’re tired of chasing after happiness; there seems to be no end in sight for your sadness; you spend a lot of time not wanting to exist

the green and the town: was big on learning about mythology; feel most a home among nature; probably believes in soulmates

the world is a marble heart: when you lose something you make into a positive; heartbreak is an inevitable; although you may come off as okay, you’re not

thirsty: you bullshit a lot; putting up a front is super easy; greed is a big problem for you

three-thirty: time management is a huge problem for you; school/work is overwhelming; there are too many world issues to worry about

turning out: platonic and romantic affection are hard to differ; everything has to go according to expectations; you’re behind on social cues and such

turning out pt. ii: affection-starved to the point you make up non-existent feelings; you go along with what others say to appear normal; feel unworthy of love

weak: finds it easy to give into impulses; often reflect on past mistakes; being in love is scary to you

woody allen: you feel on top of the world when something good happens to you; exuding confidence and being suave is easy; you wouldn’t mind being famous

wow, i’m not crazy: you’re neurodivergent and/or gay/trans; a sense of community saved you; trouble fitting societal norms

inspired by this post

[rylie-barton]

⌜   CIS FEMALE, SHE / HER   |   the hearse by matt maeson, gryffindor, infp   ⌟    ⏤   meet RYLIE NATALIA BARTON ; a TWENTY TWO year old who kind of resembles WILLA HOLLAND, don’t you think? she originally hailed from NEW YORK CITY where she lived with her parents, CLINT BARTON & NATASHA ROMANOFF (   MARVEL   ), but word is that she’s been making strides to rejoin shield and finish her law degree this past year. she’s always been pretty AUDACIOUS & COMPASSIONATE, but has gotten way more CODEPENDENT & PRIDEFUL since she woke up. maybe her ability of WEAPON PROFICIENCY and power of INNATE COMBAT can help in taking down the dome. you can check out her stat page HERE& her pinterest board HERE.

i was a woman who thought only of dead things                                        ( all the time ). i couldn’t HELP it.

part one of two : the backstory.    (   trigger warnings for talk of death, drug / alcohol abuse.

born on july 21st, 1996, to clint barton & barbara morse. the youngest of three children, lewis and callum were five and nine respectively at the time of her birth. 

her mother and brothers died in a house fire when she was just three months old ; the files concerning the accident are blacked out and encrypted, and the story given to rylie amounts to ‘your mother went missing in action.’ 

understandably, she’s always wanted to know more ; unfortunately, she’s never had the means in which to find anything out.

raised by clint. really loved, but vaguely overprotected. ‘aunt nat’ was in her life from minute one, essentially, a shoulder for clint to lean on and a motherly presence that rylie found she craved. in time, they got married. it never felt anything but natural.

she was raised alongside the rest of the next gen ; troy banner, dan rogers, calder thorson & phoebe stark. they were and remain the closest thing to siblings that rylie has ever had, and as the youngest, she got to annoy them endlessly and still be assured that whatever may have happened down the line, they would always have her back.

as a little girl, rylie’s dreams amounted to little more than being the prima balllerina of her company. if she couldn’t be that, she would have settled for being an award winning pianist. she was a remarkably ordinary little girl, the only thing completely out of the norm about her being the fact that her father had her trained from the time she could walk to use a weapon, and her stepmother had her taught well how to fight. 

her time in school was... tough, to put it mildly. she was homeschooled at certain points, and moved around a lot for others. kids could be cruel, and rylie’s self esteem was never destined to be that good. 

rylie’s lift changing can be pinpointed as the moment that shield enlisted her, along with the rest of the next gen. she was just a LITTLE KID - playing dress up in between recitals, saving the world before she’d ever really even lived in it. they were kids trained for war. how could any of them have ever been well adjusted?

she dropped out of ballet. she stopped attending her piano lessons. the only thing that mattered was working with her team. how stupid she feels, now, to have been so caught up in trying to be an adult that she forgot to have a childhood.

her friends meant EVERYTHING to her. 

she started attending the same school as phoebe because the other girl made a strong case to clint for rylie, so she wouldn’t have to go through another year of torment. she didn’t just LOVE her. she wanted to be her. to compare to the beautiful and intelligent and utterly flawless phoebe stark was something that she always knew would be impossible, but tried to do, anyway.

troy was her BIG BROTHER. he still is. when she was scared of storms, he would stay awake and hold her through the night to help her through. they teased one another mercilessly, but at the end of the day, they always knew just how much they loved one another - it was all in good spirit, and at points, it was what both of them needed. 

daniel, the voice of reason - not just for rylie, but for everyone. she always looked up to him, both as a leader and as a friend. he made good calls. he tried to do right by everyone. it wasn’t easy to do - and looking back, rylie hates how it all rested on his shoulders when he was just a KID - but he did it anyway.

and calder...- she’s always loved him, even when it was difficult. back then, it wasn’t. he was always a stoic, but how much he loved them all was evident. he was her training partner and best friend, always present, even when he didn’t know what to say, or do. 

the five of them were like some kind of mismatched breakfast club, but no one in the world understood what it was like to grow up with heroes for parents as well as they did.

and then PHOEBE died. rylie was sixteen years old. the rest of them weren’t much older. loki attacked avengers tower while their parents were away on a mission, and she tried to protect calder ; it wasn’t anybody’s fault except loki’s that she fell that day, but they all shouldered the guilt regardless. rylie never was the same. 

in the months after, rylie tried to numb the pain, the responsibility. she couldn’t sleep, so she took pills that were meant to help. when they didn’t, she took more. the subsequent overdose was swept under the carpet, the choice to send her to wda alongside the rest of the guys their way of trying to bring some life back to her, after. it was phoebe’s dream they were living, after all. maybe being there with them would help.

believe it or not : it DIDN’T. walt disney academy was living under the threat of the darkness at the time, and rylie was one of many students who fell victim. while on a mission with shield in late 2014, she was shot ; it was a horrible event that weakened rylie more than just in her resolve, and months later, the darkness took hold. under its influence, she hurt people that she didn’t know, and she hurt one’s that she did, too. her freedom was temporary, she and many other students were taken over once more, and troy saved the day by drawing out the good ; but enough had been enough. 

rylie turned to alcohol. the rest was history. she drank to sleep. she drank to get herself through the day. she drank when she was happy, when she was achingly sad, when she was just trying to feel something. she would go on weekend benders that bled into the weeknights when the littlest inconvenience happened, and drunk, she made some truly horrible decisions with some truly terrible people. she kept hurting the people she loved. she kept ruining her relationships. it became a cycle, wash and repeat.

whatever she might have had with emmett wicks, a rock she leant on during the early darkness saga, was gone as quick as it came. rylie got too involved too quick with alexander kaligaris, with disastrous results. we know how unhealthy that particular relationship turned out. 

shield suspended her from active duty in early 2017. she was over the legal limit to drive and still thought she could go on a mission for them, and she could have gotten her whole team killed. she didn’t, but it didn’t matter. they were right to do what they did, but rylie took it personally ; she lashed out. she made bad choices. she had lost the ONLY thing she really had left. her father wanted to pull her from school to try and help, and she point blank refused. it caused a rift between them, for understandable reasons. without her dad, without her family, without many of her friends - rylie just got worse. 

in the summer of ‘17, the school suffered from an earthquake during prom. rylie took a hard fall, and the resulting head trauma damaged her eardrum. it wasn’t her father coming back to support her during the subsequent operation to try and fix it that gave rylie a wake up call. it was her pregnancy, discovered a few weeks later ; rylie always loved, and alex always left. one mistake from the two of them caused a bigger one that spooked her. rylie made the choice to have an abortion. she took control of her own life, for once, instead of allowing it spin even more out of control - and she started attending alcoholics anonymous, almost immediately after. 

part two of two : what u missed on glee.

rylie has been sober for 21 months and counting. it’s as hard for me to believe it as it is for you all, i’m sure ; but she’s been doing BETTER. she’s been back training, brushing up on some old skills that she let get rusty. she’s healthy, too, the sallow look to her skin that everyone got accustomed to long gone. to say it was easy for her, or that she didn’t have moments of doubts, would be... totally incorrect. she’s just been fighting through.

she was one more bad month away from flunking out of her law degree, the last time y’all saw her ; but she’s picked up in the past year, really knuckling down to try and catch up, for one, and do better, for another. she’s still worried that she’s going to have to do an extra year, to finish, but she’s dedicated to doing so if she’s GOTTA. 

her relationship with her father? fixed. clint has always put rylie above all else, and never would have even required the apologies she gave, really. likewise with the relationship she has with natasha. both of them forgive her for her weakness, though it’s unlikely that rylie ever will. we love on ( 1 ) girl with a guilt complex.

the one thing that ISN’T fixed is her hearing, at least not 100%. she has a loss of fifty nine db in her right ear, and that’s probably never going to change. it makes her and her father even more alike, though i’m sure clint would have rathered the similarities not be so much. 

as of right now, she’s prepping for a hearing with the board of directors at shield on whether she should be reinstated as an active agent. she’s passed all of the physicals, and she’s been in therapy for about as long as she’s been sober, working through her issues. she’s still got miles to go, but they’re certainly optimistic. rylie moved past feeling hard done by a long time ago, and now she just... wants to be a part of the agency, again, in a way where she can actually be of help. 

[reneereadskingdomofash]

Thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash

Ok, I’m writing some thoughts on the Ships in Kingdom of Ash. I’ve jumped onto a few posts, but I feel like I’m probably not being clear because well, I talk to people outside of those posts via different channels and so people aren’t getting the full picture. 

Not that this matters of course, the internet and tumblr is only a snapshot, but I wanted to write some clear thoughts on the Ships and how I am feeling about them before/during/and now two weeks after having finished the book. 1. perspectives change. 2. Reading other peoples thoughts that might enhance our own understanding happens too. **SPOILERS BELOW CUT**

Rowaelin

Before Koa: Yes, I dig it. Empire of Storms was their peak love story! Heir of Fire gave me all the Angst - love and hate, falling in love with the trainer, Queen of Shadows gave me my reunion and happiness to fight the bad guys and Empire of Storms gave me the sexy times. The Ship had sailed. Then Maeve came in Empire of Storms. And I was worried for my ship, but only because I was worried for the individual parts of the whole. What happens if they die! What happens if Aelin isn’t who she was. What happens to them! they deserve a happily ever after. *insert renee crying lots at the end of Empire of Storms* 

During Koa: I was scared. Aelin wasn’t who she was. Rowan was loosing himself in the hunt for her. What was this new thing between Fenrys and her and Rowan was on the outs? What did this mean? Why couldn't she talk? Where was my Aelin!!! Aelin had hardened and I was scared, and Rowan was scared and it made me think - she’s going to die and i’m going to cry. Then Aneille happened and Aelin almost came back. She was as close to the old Aelin as I think was possible given the trauma that she went through. Rowan didn’t care. He would have loved her anyway. Such a pure ship. And then they go on to save the world. Once Aelin had forged the lock, I wasn’t scared for her anymore. I didn’t think she might die, I didn’t think Rowan would either. The lock felt like it was the start of their happy ending. Sure lots of stuff to go on but the ship was good. 

After Koa: Same feelings. I still love Rowaelin. But I got to experience their journey over 4 books! It was satisfying in that they had page time but it didn't detract from the story. So When I’m not enthusiastic about Rowaelin - Its not because I don’t love them, I’ve just been with them a long time. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind that they would be ok. 

Elorcan (aka the ship I wanted to sail more than any other)

Before  Koa: I was scared. I feel so hard into this ship when I read Empire of Storms. And then when I re-read it before KoA I fell harder. I loved Lorcan from the start. A grumpy demi-fae, who is the most powerful, who seems angry, who doesn’t show emotions, who would do anything for his friends. (sure misguided sometimes - but that’s what it boils down to). He came to Rowan’s aid in Heir of Fire. He came for his friend. Not his general. He didn’t have time for Aelin - some mortal girl who people had an interest in. It wasn’t why he came. People who know me - know I have been cheering for Lorcan the past two years. That he’s going to show this side of himself. My morally grey Lorcan. And then Queen of Shadows and Empire of Storms happened. Oh man. Elide, my witch baby standing up for those who cant do it for themselves! She took on Vernon for Kaltain, she is bad-ass! She is the my love just as Lorcan is my love. I’m so torn I love them both. Its a good thing they found each other. Anyway. Elide stands up to him, she fights for herself and others. She protects him and he does the same back. So I love them. Elide threw herself in front of a wolf (Fenrys to save him!) And When Lorcan called for Maeve - my heart sank. Lorcan u big Dummy! I love you but come on! And then the theories started. and I wrote some too. Maybe if I think of the worst possible thing that can happen and put it out into the world it wont happen. Like jinxing the bad stuff. Lorcan “SALVATERRE” savior of lands- does that mean he will sacrifice himself??? Honestly my biggest fear going in. 

During  Koa: Kingdom of Ash was a roller-coaster for my ship. I was so invested in everything they did. I paid way too much attention to their sections than other ships. - honestly I skim read nestaq scenes (who I love). which is bad I know. but elorcan for life apparently.  And Lorcan was being sneaky and trying to help Elide be comfortable (sure more period talk but what ever) because he had been traveling with her for months and months and knew she needed stuff. He shows love by doing. Not always doing the right thing (his decision making skills need work) - but he tries. Elide was a bitch at the start. Just going to say it. Sure she might have been justified, but sometimes you don’t need to voice all the nasty things in your head. And I got mad at her. Then she basically said she wouldn’t care if Lorcan died. And his heart broke and my heart broke and I was upset and probably crying.  AND THEN THE BATTLE OF ANEILLE HAPPENED AND I CRIED!!! AND I SCREAMED AT MY BOOK. Direct quote from my notes: “ P500 - NOT HAPPY! Lorcan!!!! OMG NOT HAPPY! LORCAN JUST DROPPED HIS SHEILDS - fucking egg! Omg ahhh! Crap. Crap crap.”  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have dropped his shields if Elide hadn’t said such horrible things to him and he didn’t feel like he needed to die. So I was mad, fucking live you dork. Its just a girl! I ship you two, but if You are both going to be Dorks then I don’t!  So when Elide went to go find him I was like - OMG YES U DO LOVE HIM... direct quote from my notes:  “ I'm crying .... Elide- "I will always find you", running down the stairs... oh it hurts.... please please be ok ....  Ahhh she grabbed chaols horse! A horse for Hellas himself... ahh Lol and then that's explained a couple of pages over Lorcan!!!(517) "Get up" :sobbing emojis: "I promised to always find you. I promised you, and you promised me. I came for you because of it; I am here because of it. I am here for you, do you understand? And if we don't get onto that horse now, we won't stand a chance against that dam. We will die." P 520 :more sobbing emojis: Omg :more sobbing emojis: You have to let me go I love you And I will be with you.... I will be with you always :more sobbing emojis: Lorcan Omg Fucking hell And elide! Yes! You claw at him girl!! That dam! Oof Omg my ship - you are killing me “

Honestly. Such a Rollercoaster. So as you can see I was invested. and then they seemed to tentatively get over each other and what happened and proceeded to get cuter and cuter as the book went on and just gave me warm fuzzies and happiness. 

After Koa: I love this ship. I would die for this ship. Fight me! - oh majority of fandom also Like my ship now... cool cool. that’s cool. guess we cool.

Manorian

Before Koa: I dig it. Its alright. Manon eats men for breakfast so Dorian has a little bit of a death wish but I can see that playfulness, that bond from living a similar life. Heirs in name only, for the longest time. I appreciated it, but wasn't strongly invested. I had picked my OTP already. Still enjoy this ship tho - just less invested.

During Koa: I really liked the tentative relationship between Manon and Dorian. I have so many notes about how I think he is a witch tho - so those stand out in my notes more than ship points. I liked that they shared a tent when Manon never did. I liked that Dorian spent time with the 13 developing friendships. It showed that he wanted to know Manon, more than just for sex. But it also cannot be denied that they like sex and used it to avoid talking. That happens in relationships too - not necessarily bad. Its one of the things I actually like about SJM’s ships they aren’t cookie cutter relationships. But I did feel like both Manon and Dorian chose the mission over the relationship (For Now) which is fine too btw. In life we might take a job in a different city and do long distance and still come back to each other. I think Dorian lying to Manon on their last night together by omission is a little sucky. But again. relationships have ups and downs. I’m glad it kinda ended there. Sure they come back together, But I like that its left open. Firstly because they have had the ship burn in flames - their isn’t an “unhappy” ending... the story is still playing out. We just cut away before seeing the end. 

After Koa: Wow ok. So people have lots of thoughts on this ship and maybe I should have been paying attention. Why don’t people like it open ended... ok? maybe its a loose end but there is still a book to come (the world of throne of glass) and sure its not a novel about Aelin. This doesn't mean it wont tell us about the encyclopedic history or Ardarlan and the Witch kingdom and how both are run by people who are seeing each other. A certain boy who knows how to use portals to get from one place to the other quickly - doesn't seem like living on opposite sides on the continent is going to be a problem.... maybe that’s just the optimist in me. If they have children - a girl to rule the wastes and a boy to be king. Seems like an amazing fit. I’d really like to see this happen tbh, but this takes time and time KoA didn’t have in the pages - but - maybe - the world of throne of glass will.  

Chaorian

Before Koa: Ahh cute - they had their love story i’m happy!

During Koa: Damn I love Yrene. Shes the best. Chaol, you are ok too - but Yrene has your back and is the light relief in your life. Chaol you are too serious - listen to your wife.

After Koa: awwww little wittle chaorene babies. awwwwww daddy Chaol. awww  uncle Dorian. <3 <3 so many warm fuzzies.

Nestaq

Before Koa: I ship them so Hard OMG SARTAQ I LOVE YOU. You are a way better fit for Nesryn than Chaol. Man i’m glad she met you. 

During Koa: oof Sartaq why u gotta have a Khagan hat on - you are so serious. Good thing Borte is there. 

After Koa: Nesryn has no idea what she is in for - Can I please get more Yeran and Borte. Still love Nestaq - but I understand the peak of their story was in Tower of Dawn. 

Lysaedion

Before Koa: Oh Man you two. The end of Empire of Storms - Aedion you are a dick! Why! Why! Oh you better just be mad and make it up to her. You love her dang it, you wanted to marry her! Argh. I don’t know how to feel, I like them together - but what is this past Aedion has? What is coming. I don’t want to get my hopes up. 

During Koa: Aedion! Aedion! What! Are! you! doing!

I’m so mad at Aedion right now. You better apologise.

Its so complicated to break down. But basically Aedion is being an A-hole to Lysandra and she doesn’t deserve it. She is running herself into the ground and you do that! Aedion! I’m so conflicted, why are you a good dad to Evangeline but an awful person to Lys! AHHH AEDION STOP! 

After Koa: I still don’t know how to break down this relationship. It sets off so many red flags for me. - About how someone can be a great dad but an awful partner.  - About how someone can be abusive essentially but explain away their actions. - About how other people stand by and watch, when they see this behavior. - About how it is all “circumstances”. 

Now - I think its fine for people to work through things and overcome their problems if they want to but that takes time. What Aedion did in Kingdom of Ash did not make me think he should have been able to win Lysandra back as quickly as he did near the end of the book. And it hurts. However I know people in real life who have gone back to people who have treated them badly. So its not uncommon. It is their decision. It just hurts. 

Part of me wants them to get a divorce and I’ve made a couple of joke-ish statements about that. But I could have been on Lysaedion’s side if it had a similar ending to Manorian. If it was left hanging, left on a - lets see where this goes. War does strange things to people, and I think Aedion was affected more than others, but he needs to prove he isn’t going to be the man who threw Lysandra out into the cold. In my eyes at least. 

I have prob left ships out, and thoughts out but this is a lot of writing for me that’s not counting towards my nanowrimo - hahaha. 

[icharchivist]

So your meta of Lavi is a masterpiece and it helped me put into words a lot of stuff. I kinda wanted to talk about Allen though, one thing you mentionned is that Allen is really positive/optimist and want to save everybody, and while some of his 'light' probably comes from Mana's mask because so far it seems Allen's idea of Mana was of a really kind and positive and cheerful person. I wonder how much of his optimism/positiveness and desire to strive for the best for everybody come from -part 1

part 2-himself ? And I suddenly remembered DGM reverse, and woah, most exorcists backstories so far are really horrible, but they all had normal-happy memories mixed in (that doesn’t make up for the horibleness of other stuff and I’m not downplaying their stories nor am I interested in comparing who had it worse), Lenalee had her family before most got killed by Akuma and she was ripped away from Komui to be psychologically tortured and abused by the black order and it quite obviously distressed

part 3- her, her life so war was happy until akuma and the B.O ruined it. I dunno for Lavi but most panels of him as a child are cheerful and cute af, and he became a bookman for his desire to know about history and know more than most people, then increasedly got sick of humanity and their wars and their stupidity. Kanda’s backstory is the stuff of nightmares and OW, but he had Alma with him from the beggining and his friendship/love/I don’t think he quite knew with Alma meant a lot for him

part 4- etc etc. Allen’s backstory in reverse ? Kinda the opposite. Red didn’t have anything happy, no happy memories, no people that loved him, nothing. He barely had shelter (one that didn’t quite block out the chilling cold), and had to work to the bone for and while he had food, it wasn’t something he took for granted, because if Cosimo or somebody else felt like it they’d say lies to the ringmaster that Red slacked off and the Ringmaster would get pissed at Red, ‘put him in his place’part 5 (I think it’s 5)-and make him starve that day as punishment. And he was under constant threat of violence from pretty much anybody. The best reaction/treatment he could hope for at the time was being ignored (and all his human rights with it), and had to face disgust/physical violence/insults/slurs from all others. Red kinda accepted that nobody’d ever love him (though he admitted he longued for love once he witnessed it), but that didn’t matter because he hated other people right back

part 6- and the first time he received warmth/got treated as a human was from Allen the dog, then from Mana himself (who Red thought the worst of at the beggining), then had fluffy and happy memories and moments during two years after his miserable and hellish life (people probably treated him normally once Mana got him a glove to cover his Innocence Arm). The thing that differentiate him from others is that most others experienced at least some warmth before getting disillusioned/cynical

avant-derniere part-most experienced some warmth before discovering that no, humanity/life suck (for Kanda it happened at the same time)(that’s even how the earl bait most into making Akuma, they experience happiness and love then get crushed when the source of hapiness gp away), but for Allen/Red ? He was utterly done with life and didn’t remember any instances of a good memory/life and didn’t even know what positivity felt like ? And then he got to experience that life doesn’t suck THAT much.

final part- then he got to experience that life doesn’t suck THAT MUCH. that’s why witnessing/enduring fucked up shit won’t faze him in his goal, fucked up shit was the norm before this weird magical thing called love came. (aside from his duty to atone to what he did to Mana) He didn’t get the transformation from hopeful to cynical. it was the other way around. He went back to save Tykki in the ark once the Noah problem was taken care of, because in Allen’s worldview, Allen himself and his -

the true final part- Allen himself and his friends doesn’t qualify as 'white/light’ in his worldview. Tykki is a sadistical homicidal bastard ? He does have human friends and people he care for anyway, so if he’s not a threat/able to kill exorcists anymore he might as well save him. And that’s why he didn’t judge Suman for being a traitor. Or maybe I’m just sprouting useless pretentious bullshit and am mistaken,sorry, idk, enlighten me.

Heyaaa!! first thank you so much for the compliment it means a lot to me ❤ but huge shout out to the anon who helped put it all in words like that.

Second, I think you’re completely spot on on everything you mention.

(Before jumping in the whole thing while i agree with all you say, i’ll just mention that one of the Guidebook, the Grey Arc one, mentions that Lavi joined the Bookmen at 6yo, and almost gets killed by a stray bullet when he was 7yo (the guidebook mentions he clang to Bookman’s hair when he was healing him, leading Bookman to say it’s Lavi’s fault they’re falling off now). So by all account despite this incident Lavi had a happy upbringing with Bookman, or well as much as the heartless Bookman training had to offer).

For Allen, yes, all you say is very true and it’s honestly super interesting to me? Allen’s life before Mana was hell. Hell, hadn’t Allen-the-dog died because he was beaten up anyway? The only happiness he had with that Dog was taken away by him likely by his abusers. Before Mana, he lived through hell. He was 7 when he met Mana and they were together only 3 years. That’s only 3 years of real happiness. And if anything we get from Cross’s memories chapter, is that it took Allen a long, long time to get over it (and while there’s camaradery between them, Cross’s teaching traumatized Allen to this day so. Poor guy went through a lot).

Mana seems to be the only window of time in which Allen was happy, and he doesn’t have anything else in his early memories that allow him to cling to that. tbh that’s also why the changes of names matter a lot with Allen. from “Red” because it was the color of his arm, something people insulted him for, it was either an insult he got too used to to correct since he didn’t have a name anyway, or seeing himself as nothing else than what made his monstruosity to others. To “Allen”, the name of the dog. Of the first being who showed him love and affection and who died unfairly. To then take on the “Walker” last name after he turned Mana as an Akuma, likely in a way to remind himself of him, to “Keep Walking” but also to remember everytime he hears his name of what he has done to Mana and his duty toward him. 

And you’re entierely right: Allen’s story was one of cynism and suffering who eventually ended up getting better thanks to Mana, and Mana’s loss and the guilt of turning him into an Akuma from Allen in the mindset of constantly trying to take it over his shoulders. 

It’s obviously not meant to disregard the others backstories, like you say- but it’s interesting bc even Kanda who had the most horrible early years in life had Alma, and Alma balanced out the horrors he had to go through, and he had him from the start. And the scientists were actually kind to the kids outsides of the experiments. (not excusing any of the shits they pulled the kids through- but it sure does contrasts with Allen’s past that had people abuse him for no reason).

Mana is the catalyst of Allen’s storyline in many ways: for being the first being who showed him kindness and changed his viewpoint of life, to then the grief of losing him shaping Allen’s future guilt that isolates him from others.

Had Allen not been able to create an Akuma for Mana, it’s to wonder how “selfless” he would have become. While I think that him wanting to smile, be cheerful, be kind, comes mainly for being raised by Mana- His selflessness, his self-sacrificing attitude, his way to distance himself emotionally from others all come from the fact he “betrayed Mana” by making him go through the Akuma making process. If Allen could have remained kind and sweet growing up, a lot of his worst habits may not have existed has the guilt from the Akuma not happened.

I think it would be the nuance of what Allen evolved into due to Mana’s raising him, and what Allen evolved into due to the grief of losing Mana and therefore forcing himself to wear his mask.

Had Mana not existed at all in Allen’s life, I don’t doubt he would have turned into a bitter person until someone showed love and care for him. Imo, Allen was someone who was starved for affection but was in an unsafe environment for it to happen, and he grew cynical. The only fact he cared this much about a dog being kind to him shows that he was already fundamentally a kind soul that was just unable to express himself and only bitterness remained. What Allen needed was someone kind to encourage this side of him. (and like you mention, Allen does agrees he longued for love, just didn’t know what it was beforehand)

I think Mana made Allen feel safe to be “gentle”.  He showed him how being kind and cheerful could help himself and others. Like a parent teaches his child to evolve in life in a way. Allen was only 7 after all, he was still young enough to learn, to be shaped by his experience.

“Mana’s mask”, that fake smile though, comes from Mana’s teaching pushed to the extreme after Allen’s guilt over Mana pushed him to push people away. 

So yes, you’re right: Allen’s journey was of cynism to cheerfulness. To determination to carry on. I think he had the potential to cheerfulness all along but just needed someone to push him in the right direction, and Mana was that push (but for that we need a little more “casual times between Mana and Allen between Allen’s 7 and 10 years old”). But the guilt and trauma of the Akuma!Mana incident pushed Allen to do this to the extreme, often at the detriment of his own feelings.

I believe his willingness to see the best for everyone comes from the Akuma!Mana incident as well. It is hard to believe that finding One Gentle Person after years of being abused would change Allen’s view this much. But i think seeing something like gentle and sweet Mana being turned into a weapon of Mass destruction, and then see this repeat itself with others people, knowing that Akuma were people just as desperate than he was, people who loved so hard, that they called onto a soul who hadn’t asked for it to be turned into weapon: would have Allen see that there must be something good into anyone. That if an Akuma, a weapon of mass destruction, could be just a suffering soul being chained into life because they were loved too much, then what about anyone else? 

I think understanding the Akuma the way Allen does have him reconsider the way he sees everyone else. That everyone has their chains that bind them to the world. That some of those Chains are heavy and can turn people into assholes to stand it, to stand this life they were chained into. But there’s still a soul behind the chains and Allen wants to believe in it. I believe it’s a way also to hold on to the last memories he has of Mana, to keep it as a positive figure in his mind, rather than an already twisted creature. And that’s why the humanity and salvation of the akuma is so important to Allen to start with.

By humanizing the Akuma to that extends, Allen can push his compassion to anyone else. So imo, i don’t think it would have happened had the Akuma!Mana incident not happened. It’s likely it is that bad in canon as well because of his eye only: perhaps if he only ever saw Mana, he would have developped differently, but seeing all those Akuma’s souls made it impossible for Allen to ignore it. The moment he sees a soul, he sees a story there; he sees a person who was loved too much and was chained back into life to commit horrors. And from that point on, I think that compassion just become a reflex.

So as such it makes sense Allen extends that to anyone else. Suman becoming a fallen told a story about why he became this way, of his relationship with the Innocence, of his suffering with it. Meeting the Light part of Tyki first had Allen sees all sides of him, and know that Tyki was duty bound to the Noah as well, and that people cared for him. And if Allen didn’t extend this compassion to Tyki per se, he would have had to the people who loved Tyki because he knows what loss feels like and he doesn’t want anyone to go through this.

I find it harder to word than i expected welp but yes, i agree with all you say, and y e there’s just. a lot to Allen. and imo his whole viewpoint comes from he sees Akuma to start with. Mana was his greatest influence in general.

allen breaks my heart ;;-;;

Take care!

[he-schleep]

Tumblr - the free therapist, or public journal.

I never thought I would ever plan on just throwing up everything that has gone on in my life for everyone to read. But for the sake of self-care & allowing a healthy release…here we go.

June 5th, 2021. I was boating on the lake, enjoying life with friends, and towards the end of the day I was sitting at the back of the boat by myself as we left. And I was optimistically wondering (while looking at the beautiful view before me), what’s to come next in my life, what will I be doing later, what’s in store for me… And little did I know that after that day on the lake, my life would basically change forever. I got back home to my girlfriend’s, I was telling her all the fun I had, that I wish she could’ve been there, and then she had to speak off-topic. She dumped me. I was completely caught off guard. I didn’t know who what why any of this was happening. I couldn’t think & I couldn’t believe how fast things had turned on me all of a sudden. And just like that - I lost my soulmate & I immediately felt like I didn’t belong under the same roof. I had lost so much in mere minutes. I was job-hunting at the time too. So no job, no partner, and no home now. Everything had collapsed so quickly & terribly. There’s nothing more frantic than all of a sudden not knowing where to go. I thought I was going to end up on the streets. And not to be dramatic, but I died that night. All this weight, with newly immense stress ON TOP of heartbreak… I died.

I went to my mom’s, her boyfriend’s a jerk, and he selfishly cut my stay short. I’m invited to come back to my now ex’s place because even her parents couldn’t believe how I was treated unfairly. I was so grateful for their help. Still am. And then I was hit with COVID-19… As if I wasn’t hopping around enough trying to make a living situation for the time being, and now having to quarantine myself, the only option now left for me was staying in a motel. Those were the most darkest nights I had ever endured. Sure, I was in my hometown & had family ten minutes away. But I had never felt so far & so homesick. My sister had brought me dinner in the motel where I ended up fainting & had collapsed. And then my situation was now upgraded to the hospital. But only for one night, thank God. And then I was sent to this healthcare living facility that was very motel-like. And again, even more nights that were so dark & difficult to get through while being so alone. I had lost a lot of weight from being so sick & I had even reached the point where my covid was 50/50 on either letting me pass, or making me another statistic. I began having difficulty breathing & I was starting to not get the oxygen levels where it needed to be in my body. I became terrified that I was living my last days here. But I held on.

I left the facility & I got better overtime. My mom was able to take care of me, and I was able to return & continue my new job that I still have. And it is such a blessing to say I am improving. I made it through losing so much, I made it through all the darkest nights, I made it through receiving bad news while I was all alone without having anyone there to physically comfort me. I made it through having to be in & out of the hospital. I made it through everything - I survived.

These last two or three months, man… I’m still processing & healing from them. I’m still trying to make sense of it & I’m reminding myself to be patient on what all of this is trying to tell me (if it’s even trying to tell me anything). But one thing I do know - I’ve always loved myself & I’m a good dude. I’m not caught up in any heavy bs, nor am I constantly wronging people. But when I said I died on that first night, that was the old me that died. Because who am I now?

I’m now the man who’s only gotten BETTER. I was so scared that all of this sustained trauma was going to turn me into this horrible person who hates everything & everyone in the world, and right then & there, I made the choice to not allow that. I made the choice to stay true to myself. I wasn’t going to let this dictate my life. Something so heavy, yet so temporary, will never EVER own me. And I can say I’ve accomplished just that. Because I am happy working my ass off, I love what I do, I’m now sitting on the most money I’ve ever made for myself, I’m about to get myself a nice room, I’m making new friends, I’m still having fun experiences, I love getting attention, I love myself, I love my looks, I’m proud of myself, I love how others are proud of me, I love my will & spirit, and I love my friends & my family for all the support. I’ve already come so far for myself. I have no plans on ever stopping. And God will take care of everything. His plan’s already been laid out. He’s gonna patch up the girl situation, He’s gonna have me stay somewhere I can happily call home, He’s gonna keep me happy, He’s gonna keep me successful, He’s gonna keep me alive, He’s gonna keep me fed. I’m thanking Him before anything even happens.

This is the most beautiful part of the story, right here: In all the pain & hurt I was dealt, when it comes to being thrown into the biggest shit show I’ve ever experienced… I am thankful for this. I repeat. I am thankful for this. Because I love the new man who’s walked out from this, me. I’m stronger because of it. The beauty in the struggle, and a complete blessing in disguise. And if you’re reading this, everyone in the world can & will become better. This means you. I promise.

My name is Chris. And I’m still here.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Okay so here’s a little tired update on my life!

So firstly my therapy is going so swimmingly! My therapist is so nice to me and he listens to what I say in such a way that I rarely feel judged (he judges me for staying up till 4 am...but most people do honestly....like me making slime at 2:30 am....lmao). He also has been seemingly pushing that perhaps there’s some underlying cause on top of trauma that has affected me throughout my life. From the wording he’s using I’d assume it’s likely autism kinda (I’ve been researching it a lot lately cause it peaked my interest when Aaron ansuini was pursuing a diagnosis for it, and it had also peaked my interest late last year when another youtubers -chronically Jacque I believe??? - was diagnosed with it. Cause of this I worry that I may steer him into that direction on accident but at the same time I have done most of the things I tell him about for yearrrrss.).

I’ve also been very very very happy lately compared to my usual. I don’t think I’ve been this healthy mentally in years. I’m not entirely sure what’s changed in me to be honest? I can guess though that it’s partially that I’m allowing myself to be happy (surprisingly that was something I tend to suppress? Probably because I tend to value emotionless-ness because I tend to over-express happiness and will jump around and smile really brightly. This started around puberty which would account for some anxiety regarding fitting in and thusly producing those behaviours perhaps?). Also at the beginning of the year I kinda made a promise that I will try to function and learn how to be happy this year, or at least make progress on that so I think that’s where some of my happiness comes from. Another probability comes from the fact I felt sort of burnt out from school and have always found it EXTREAMLY overwhelming. I feel kinda like a dried out sponge in a way? Like a wet sponge is when I’m happy and kinda having space enough to deal with things, but a dried sponge can’t clear off dirt from the day and will crumble easily. It’s hard to explain. But either way the last two years in particular had me working so hard that I was barely functioning and was considering dropping out. So I would say it’s likely that after 6 months of time to gain back all my energy I now am better at handling my emotions & able to not be on the defensive so much. I’m still staying away from work and school (probably for at least until summer) since I think I should learn some new skills and routine so that when I do get a job I can deal with the stress I know it will cause me.

A different kinda strange problem has occurred for me though. I got voice dysphoria...for having too deep of a voice. I’m honestly not sure what to do about this problem because I also had dysphoria from too high a voice and on top of that the hormonal imbalances caused by periods mess me up so horribly that I usually end up pretty depressed when they occur. I’m not sure if I should stop taking testosterone or continue. I’m kinda at a standstill because I know I can’t handle my voice dropping easily (I don’t deal with change well at times sadly and this is one of them) but I also know I really can’t handle periods AT ALL. I don’t even know if I could handle surgery for sure. I’m really not sure what to do. It’s a conundrum. That’s for sure.

But besides that I’ve been having fun the last few days. I realized that I have a khan academy account and have started using it to learn stuff (I absorb information really easily at times and love to learn). I also have made some slime for myself (one is rust coloured!!!!), and am kinda getting interested in a variety of things and doing more things in general. I still have a problem with getting bored easily but that’s usually pretty manageable for me. Today I actually went out with my dad and mom to go collect traps that my dad had (he was reaping coyotes which are overpopulated here) and got to feed some semi wild horses. I’m also thinking I’m gonna start up a stim blog cause I love stims so much??? Like slime in particular but also cutting up things or bathrooms or wax sealing. If my therapist says I may have autism I kinda wanna ask him if I should persue a diagnosis I could use in where I live or if I should wait or if it would be useable in other provinces or what I should do. Honestly I would have pretty mild autism if that’s what is going on partially, so I don’t know if it’s entirely nessisary. The only reason I would is come university it would likely be helpful to have resources available cause I can easily get really wound up or procrastinate or something could happen idk (but I don’t know much about resources so I don’t know if this is nessisarily helpful to me).

Anywho I’m quite optimistic lately and fairly child. It’s been a good day, and the last month in general has been pretty good. My mood has been stabilizing, and I’ve been able to deal with the current stressors I have pretty well. Things are kinda looking up. I’m still a ways away from entirely functional but I’m starting to feel better a bit about it. Hope you all are having a good valentines!

[equallyreal]

TV Review: 10.29-11.04

Caught up on The Flash and eventually got around to Law and Order so we’re back in business, folks! Also, expect a review of Punisher this month, but...a bit more slowly than my other Netflix show reviews. I won’t be marathoning that one as quickly because, if I’m being honest, I care less about it than I do Defenders or anything like that. But I will say my piece on it, promise!

The Flash 4x3 and 4x4

Episode 4x3 was...a mixed bunch. On the one hand, I'm glad that the show has continued to take a more lighthearted approach. There was a lot of goofs and fun in this episode, and I liked the concept behind the metahuman Havoc. That said, remember how last week I was worried about Wally being sidelined? That really came to a head here. I have no idea why they're taking the route with the character that they went with, but it bugs the heck out of me. Given the CW's less than stellar track record with the non-white characters (most recently, the nonsense going on in Supergirl), it's hard not to see this as part of a pattern. I hope this "plot arc" (if you can call it that) bears real fruit for the character, but I'm not optimistic.

Episode 4x4 is another mixed bag. I am very interested in the introduction of Ralph Dibny, AKA the Elongated Man, and the special effects used for his abilities are pretty good. On the other hand (mild spoilers) the end of the episode and the preview for next week say that Ralph is around to stay. Usually, I’d be fine with that, but combine that with Wally’s disappearance last week after two previous episodes of him getting sidelined and it’s...less great. Like I said, Ralph is a cool character, and I’m interested in seeing what they do with him. I’m less thrilled that they felt the need to give Wally the short end of the stick to achieve this end. Also, the end of the episode brings back Caitlin’s plot, which, again, I’d be totally willing to ignore if you’d just leave it be, guys. Please just leave it be. It’s much nicer this way.

Law and Order True Crime: The Menendez Murders, ep. 6

The biggest problem with Law and Order, as with any crime-based franchise, is that they have a tendency to be very sensational with how they treat the crimes presented. They don’t often know when to pull the camera away, and as a result they can come across as very salacious, even disrespectful to the victims. The Menendez Murders...kind of crossed that line this episode, as the first ten minutes is just one long, graphic description of the sexual and physical abuse the two brothers went through, complete with some (generally non-graphic, save for one) flashbacks.

Yeah.

On the one hand, it’s entirely possible that their testimony in-show was taken word-for-word from the actual trial, and I definitely understand the need not to shy away from the fact that what these guys say they went through is awful and horrific. On the other hand, I find myself asking what I often ask when shows or movies do this: Do I really need to see this? Do I need the ten minute brutal breakdown of what happened to understand how truly horrible it was? Why do the writers feel the need to do what’s basically the writing equivalent of ripping a tumor out of the person’s body and waving it in my face like, “See this? See how nasty this thing is that was inside them?” It’s an especially important question when the victims are actual people who are, as far as I know, still alive. 

I know, there are plenty of true crime things out there where victims are still alive. You can make the argument that all true crime is basically airing out the pain and trauma of other people for our own entertainment, and I’ll admit that you have a point. But I do feel like it’s possible to do so without being so graphic about it. The question of do you have to show me the bad thing happening to get across how bad it was is already an important one in media, and I feel like it’s more important to ask when the victims are real, breathing people. 

In hindsight, I shouldn’t be shocked that they went as graphic as they did. I’ve watched SVU. I know they can get salacious and weird. But I am still shocked that they did. tl;dr this episode was kind of gross, kind of poorly handled, kind of a massive black mark on my enjoyment of the thing.

Stranger Things, Season Two

I don’t want to talk too extensively about this one, as a lot happens and there are so many potential spoilers. What I can say, without giving anything away, is that season two definitely lives up to the hype. There are great character arcs for everyone involved, with special care given to Dustin and Lucas. The new kids are great to watch. Eleven is growing up and has hair and has a great plot, and Steve Harrington is something of a breakout start this season. His character development from last season has actually stuck, and I’m loving what they did with it.

There’s one plot development towards the end that I wasn’t a fan of, and one character that I’m kind of “eh” on even now, but on the whole the second season of Stranger Things is intensely satisfying, with a solid ending that I greatly appreciate. There were moments that made me cringe away in fright, laugh out loud, and cry both sad tears and happy tears. Good job, Duffer Brothers, you went above and beyond with this season.