#I’m getting back into my series on all the SPN episodes (started two months ago and only got through 3 episodes 😭)

[ashlingmizuoka]

"This is John Winchester. I can't be reached. If this is an emergency, call my son, Dean. 785-555-0179. He can help." ↳ John Winchester

Supernatural | S1 EP04 : Phantom Traveler

<< (4/?) >>

[impostoradult]

I finally figured out why it feels like Supernatural murdered a unicorn (AKA why you need to STOP telling me to watch Black Sails)

I’ll start by saying, everything everyone else has been saying CERTAINLY bothers me: 

- the queer-baiting - the bury your queers - the undermining of Dean’s character arc  - the wasted opportunity for a certain kind of overall narrative closure - the flat out disrespect to Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles

 All of that bothers me tremendously. 

But there has been something else rather ineffable about this that has left a horrible taste in my mouth that I couldn’t quite pin down until last night. Bear with me, if you will, because this will require some set-up. 

*** This is not the first show to ever disappoint me in a spectacular fashion, nor will it be the last, I suspect. And one of the ways I’ve always coped with that disappointment was to remind myself that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right. (”It” being any number of things from just pure narrative emotional coherence to not burying your queers to not stringing along your queer audience and then yelling fuck you to them on the way out) 

But somehow that assurance -- that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right -- has rung particularly hollow in this instance, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why until yesterday. 

I kept asking myself, why do I still have this feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, like something was lost here that can never be recovered? 

Because something was lost here that I am doubtful can ever be recovered, and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else talking about this aspect of it at all. 

***

A few months ago, TV critic Maureen Ryan did a great interview piece with Mike Schur (of Parks & Rec/The Good Place) discussing the death of long-form TV in the streaming era. They explore how the longer seasons and longer runs of traditional broadcast/cable TV provided an opportunity to tell particular kinds of stories that you simply can’t when seasons are 8-10 episodes and series typically run 2-4 seasons (thanks Netflix).

One key thing we’ve all lost in this new era of highly condensed TV storytelling (and of prestige TV narrative styles)? The traditional (several season’s long) slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance. Not only is there simply no longer the time or space to write such romances, it has also come to be seen as hacky, manipulative, cheap, artistically impoverished, low-brow, a embarrassing vestige of the era before TV became art™. 

Everybody is trying to be Fleabag now. No one wants to be Frasier. (”It’s really more like a 10 hour movie” they all like to brag)

Obviously TV still has romances, even ‘drawn out’ romances. But ‘drawn out’ in 2020 is like 2-3 seasons, maybe. More commonly it’s like half a season. Take Schitt’s Creek. The number of episodes between when David and Patrick first meet and when they first kiss? Seven. Seven episodes. Half a season. If you watched it live, it took less than 2 months for them to move from introducing that dynamic to consummating it. And I’m not bagging on Schitt’s Creek; I think the David/Patrick’s story is very lovely and well-written. 

But Niles & Daphne (Fraiser) had to wait 7 years and over 150 episodes before they finally got there. Josh & Donna (The West Wing) had to wait 6+ years, and 145 episodes. Mulder & Scully (The X-Files) had to wait 7 seasons and 143 episodes. Booth & Bones had to wait...you see where I am going with this. 

And my point is (and I can’t believe I never realized this explicitly until now): there has NEVER been a queer slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance of that type on TV ever. EVER. 

I’m going to say that again, because I think it bares repeating:

There has never been a queer, slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance that fits the 100-150 episode paradigm of delayed gratification on TV. 

Not ever.  

I can’t think of ONE example  Not a single, solitary one. And I know queer TV pretty well. Arguably the closest we’ve ever come is Legend of Korra, and that ran 50 episodes, a THIRD of the length of old school will-they-won’t-theys like Booth & Bones or Josh & Donna. 

Queer people have had a fair number of canonical romances on TV by now, even fairly long running ones. But we never got a primary/front-and-center romance that you had to root for for 100+ episodes before you got any kind of canonical consummation.

That is a particular kind of TV experience that queer people and queer characters were just 100% shut out of until it was too late. And because of how the TV landscape has changed in the last 10 years, I don’t know that that opportunity will ever come back around in our lifetimes. 

***

Dean and Castiel are/were a legacy of an earlier era of TV, an era that still contained the possibility for a will-they-won’t-they of that particular mold. There were other shows that could have also filled this gap at one time - Rizzoli & Isles, OUAT, House MD, etc. But one by one all of them were killed off, their queer romances unrequited, until Supernatural was the only one of its’ generation left standing. 

And they should have acknowledged that they were a species about to become extinct. 

There are plenty of other valid and compelling reasons Supernatural should have gone full Destiel, don’t get me wrong.

A) It would have been the most emotionally satisfying ending to the series and to those characters (and that would have been reason enough). 

B) It would have stopped the manipulative queer-baiting of the (disproportionately queer) fanbase (and that would have been reason enough). 

C) It would have been queer representation of middle-aged men, of bi men, of queers who came to their queerness later in life (and any/all of those would have been reason enough). 

D) It could have been a glorious subversion of the bury your queers trope, considering how often they’ve died and been resurrected (and that would have been reason enough). 

But point E) on this list is the reason this one hurts in a singular way that no one even appears to be acknowledging. 

Almost all of the other wrongs and missed opportunities contained in this Supernatural debacle have the possibility of being rectified (at least to a degree) elsewhere. I can and I likely will get more bi male characters from TV as time goes on. I can and likely will get more middle-aged queer characters. I can and likely will get more queer characters coming to their queerness later in life, and starting queer romances later in life. I can and likely will get more queer characters who aren’t killed cheaply and prematurely. I can and likely will get more genre TV shows with sprawling myth arc plots that are resolved in a coherent, satisfying way. I can and likely will get Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles involved in other projects that value their work and their talents. 

All of those other things are at the very least POSSIBLE, and many are even likely. 

But a queer 100-150 episode slow-burn romance a la Mulder & Scully or Niles & Daphne or Booth & Bones? That is the one baton Supernatural dropped spectacularly that no one else even has the possibility of picking up again for the foreseeable future. (They don’t even write those types of romances for heterosexuals anymore!) 

Seriously. It was a TV unicorn. And rather than letting it run wild and free, they stabbed it with a rusty nail. 

***

Given the monumental shifts in the TV landscape that have occurred in the last decade, I don’t know that TV will ever go back to the slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance spanning 100-150 episodes. Today it is a miracle if you can get ANY show to last longer than 50 episodes in the first place. 

And that is the piece of this that makes it feel (to me) like they murdered a unicorn.  

Because queer people have gotten a lot of things from TV, and they will get a lot more as time goes on. But that one? That one could very well be a totally extinct species.

That is the larger missed opportunity here that has left this feeling especially hollow and destructive. That is the thing that makes me balk when people tell me to go watch Black Sails or Pose or whatever other prestige TV show is doing this representation ‘better.’ Because that’s not really the loss I am mourning here. I KNOW there is ‘better’ representation elsewhere.  

But the will-they-won’t-they/slow-burn romance is a qualitatively unique thing that queer people literally just never got. Ever. There is no substitute, no alternate, no other show I can turn to with that kind of build-up and pay-off for a queer couple, and there probably won’t be in my lifetime. Not unless the TV industry undergoes another monumental evolution similar to the streaming revolution that shifts the incentives back to telling those types of stories again. 

All those shows you want me to displace Supernatural with? None of them can give me the one thing I uniquely wanted (and could have gotten) from Supernatural. THAT ALTERNATE SHOW DOESN’T EXIST. It doesn’t exist. And I have no reason to hope it will ever exist in my lifetime. 

So stop telling me to look somewhere else; you don’t understand what made this one a unicorn. 

***

Addendum: The only other possible show that could perhaps fill this gap is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (re: Mac/Dennis). But I’m hesitant to say it exactly meets that criteria, for a number of reasons:

1 - It’s far less serialized relative to Supernatural and (except for a handful of stand-alone episodes) very little of the story is grounded specifically in Dennis/Mac’s romantic dynamic (unlike SPN, where it is absolutely central to much of the narrative)

2 - IASIP is fundamentally satirically in nature/tone which makes it much harder to have genuine romantic pathos (not impossible, but harder) 

3 - All the characters on IASIP are fundamentally crummy people who you aren’t exactly supposed to root for. Which doesn’t mean a romance between two of them can’t have its value/charm/worth but it’s not the same as when it is between characters who unequivocally deserve nice things/happy endings

[positivexcellence]

Supernatural Star Jensen Ackles Is Ready for What's Next. Are You?

Jensen Ackles’ Supernatural journey began and ended with a road trip.

15 years ago, Sam and Dean Winchester (played by Jared Padalecki and Ackles, respectively), began their drive across the country in a jet black 1967 Chevy Impala, hunting monsters, demons, and, eventually, God himself. Ackles was 26 years old at the time (the same age as the James Dean-like figure he portrays on the CW series), single, and coming off a steady career on TV, including a popular role on Days of Our Lives.

The actor is now 42 years old and just finished filming the 15th and final season of Supernatural after the coronavirus pandemic shut down production for several months. To mark the occasion, he did what Dean would do: He took a road trip. But this time things looked a little different and not just because he lacked monster-killing weapons and the iconic Impala.

“It was a sprinter van,” he tells me, back at home in Austin, Texas, after driving to the East Coast with his wife, One Tree Hill actor Danneel Harris Ackles, and their three young children. And instead of fighting the forces of evil along the way, he questioned what life might look like without the show that's been a vital part of his identity for a decade and a half.

“I needed to get back home and start figuring things out and start unpacking my life that's been in Vancouver for 15 years," he says. "'What's the next move? Where am I headed next? What interviews am I going to do?' Luckily, my wife was like, ‘Stop. Can you just take a breath for a minute and play with your kids on the beach?’”

So he did. But now he’s back, talking to me over Zoom with his new, prized commissioned drawing of Winchester brothers’ smashed up Impala behind him (a gift from his wife by artist Alessandro Paglia), trying to put into words what it feels like to leave behind a 15-year legacy.

“How have you changed in the last 15 years?” he asks me. Well, I've watched a lot of Supernatural, to be honest.

Existentialism aside, Ackles is clearly ready for his next act—even if the show's massive, fervent fandom—known as the SPN Family—may not be. Back in March 2019, Ackles, Padalecki, and their co-star Misha Collins devastated die-hards when they announced they'd be ending the series on their own terms after more than 300 episodes. A bit of good news is that fans will still have the conventions that honor the show and cast meet-ups that take place all over the world. Eventually.

"I love how big it's gotten and how we feel like a traveling circus going from town to town,” Ackles says. "Obviously, we'll have to wait until we're all allowed to gather in large crowds again, but I think as soon as we can start going to concerts and festivals and movie theaters, we'll start those back."

For now, Ackles is preparing for his life beyond Dean Winchester, which includes his anticipated role as the first-ever superhero in season 3 of Amazon Prime Video's The Boys, as well as a new production company he's starting with his wife. Over Zoom, he filled me in on all that, how the Supernatural finale changed due to COVID-19 restrictions, and, of course, that iconic 1967 Chevy Impala—which he drove to Starbucks the morning of our call.

Glamour: I almost don't know how to ask you how it feels to end a life-changing, 15-year project like Supernatural if I’m being honest.

Jensen Ackles: I understand how rare it is and that it's a bit of a unicorn to have a show that runs this long and to be as intensely part of it as I have. I mean, you've got procedural dramas—you know, Law & Order and stuff—but a lot of those casts come and go. To have the same two leads in every single episode for 15 years, I think is a pretty rare feat. So I'm proud that we did it. That was really the overwhelming feeling when we filmed our last day and our last scene, it wasn't a mourning process. It was more of a proud moment of, look at what we've done.

Obviously, the finale of Supernatural was already planned before COVID hit. Did anything in the last two episodes have to change because of filming restrictions?

We had to drop some ideas we had for the final episode, but it didn't change the story. We were supposed to have a lot of familiar faces come back and we were going to try to filter them into a montage. It was going to be almost a break from the story and a look at how far we've come—a little tip of the hat to the fans—and we would all be able to celebrate together. Obviously, we couldn't do that. So that part of the finale episode got nixed. But the story and how it ends up, that  stayed the same.

You’ve been talking about wanting Dean’s Chevy Impala, Baby, for literally years now. Did you get it?

I've wanted it since the second episode. I was like, ‘Wait a second. What's going to happen to this car when it's over?' I've been angling to get that car since literally season one. I was thinking, why wouldn't they give me the car?

Then as the years went on, I thought, Oh, I'm gonna have to fight for this now. So I kept seeing if I could put it in my contract, like for years and years, and the studio, the producers were like, ‘Don't worry, don't worry about it.’ Wink. I was like, ‘Yeah, you say that now.’ So, in my last contract that we had, I didn’t ask for a bigger trailer, I didn’t ask for more money or more time off or anything. I said, ‘I want the car.’

That car is sitting about 40 feet from me and my garage. I actually drove it to Starbucks this morning and picked up some coffee.

Your wife, Danneel, has been appearing on Supernatural since season 13. Do you two have any plans to continue acting together?

We've got a company now, Chaos Machine, and we're starting to produce things together. So it'll be a more of a producing team as opposed to an on-camera duo. That’s the thing with this industry...you never know where the roads may lead or what’s just around the corner. But she and I love that. And we certainly love a challenge.

You two already run a brewery, Family Business Beer Company, together while raising a 7-year-old and 3-year-old twins. How do you work together as husband and wife vs. as business partners? 

Very similarly actually. Divide and conquer. 

Speaking of behind-the-scenes roles...you’ve directed five episodes of Supernatural. Any plans to direct Jared Padalecki's new show, Walker?

I would absolutely love to, but with my new gig on The Boys, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to. We're trying to figure out scheduling.

They're in the midst right now of building my costume for The Boys, which is a custom-built, superhero suit. That is way more intense than I anticipated, which is cool. But I have to literally be in LA like every two weeks for the next three months. I think it's six fittings and they're each like three to four-hour fittings. They're literally molding things to my body, so it's intense.

What will be on your playlist for you to listen to while they mold things to your body?

Actually, funny enough, that was the first thing they asked me. Laura Jean Shannon, the costume designer, she says this is important because every superhero [she’s worked on] has a type of music. So she was like, “what would Soldier Boy listen to?”

To be fair, the first time we see him, it's World War II. So we're talking the ‘40s. So we listened to big band and swing the whole first day.

In addition to your new projects, you’ve also been posting a lot about Black Lives Matter this summer—from handing out supplies at a protest to giving over your social media accounts to Black activists and politicians. What have you learned?

Looking at my kids and being a father, I’m thinking, Wow, what kind of world are they gonna have? So I've started to listen a little more and I've started to want to understand other people's experiences so that I can make a better choice about the actions I take. I've gotten pushback—[in the past] even I've looked at actors using their platform to be political and been like, ‘You know, nobody needs to hear that. Just do your movies and do your show. You're not a politician.'

But I've now learned that no, you've been given a platform now with social media. And even before that, when you would give an interview to a publication, there's a voice there that is yours and you get to choose how you use that. And I think that's a responsibility that people need to take seriously. So I’ve tried to do it as inclusively as possible.

Before I let you go, please tell me what fans can expect from the final episodes?

I've said a few times that the second to last episode really feels like the season finale and that the final episode feels like a series finale. The series finale, episode 20, is this beautiful throwback to the whole show—to what it was, what it has been, and what it is today.

Okay, one more! What’s the creepiest thing that’s happened to you on set, in honor of spooky season?

Anything that's kind of been paranormal or supernatural? I think that they stay away. If that stuff was to happen, it's not going to happen on our set because we've got too many tools to take them down.

If your lore is correct, that is...

Right? That's true. [Laughs] Oh, it was pepper, not salt? Damn it!

[0ri0nmvns0n]

SPN FINALE ESSAY

I’m writing my first essay in my college English class about the SPN finale. We’re supposed to write about a key experience and I’m pretty fucking sure it qualifies considering how much it fucked me up

I’m writing the first draft now but I’ll keep updating this post as this progresses!

First Draft

How the Series Finale of Supernatural affected the mental health

Watching the series finale of your favorite show is a bittersweet moment for many of us. Especially if you’ve been watching the show for almost a quarter of your life. Supernatural is a show that is very near and dear to my heart and it follows two brothers, Sam and Dean Winchester as they hunt all kinds of supernatural creatures, including angels, demons and everything in between. I’ve been watching it since I was 13 years old.. On Thursday, November 19th, 2020 I had to say goodbye.

I have a very personal connection to the Winchester brothers and having to say goodbye to two characters that I felt like I grew up with, and to some extent felt like siblings I never had was heartbreaking. The Winchesters had been in my life for almost 5 years at that point and I hadn’t been in the best place when I had started watching the show at 13 years old. Supernatural was a way to escape to another universe for a few hours and distract myself from all the negative things that were going on in my life. I formed a strong attachment to the Winchester brothers early on and as I was following their journey over the course of the show, I was slowly growing and changing into a better version of myself. Supernatural was there for me when I felt hopeless and alone. I knew that I would have to say goodbye and that it would eventually come to an end, as all good things do. However, the possibility of a series finale felt so far into the future that I didn’t think about it in 2016.

When finale night arrived, I was emotionally preparing myself for whatever the finale had in store. I was extremely optimistic but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I was hoping for a happy ending that gave Sam and Dean the happy, apple pie kind of lives they deserve, but little did I know how much the finale would break my heart and let me down. To say that I was shocked and disappointed with the finale i ended up watching is an understatement.

Overall, it didn’t sit right with me . It felt like the writers just threw it together and called it a day. The finale starts with shots of Sam and Dean waking up and doing their morning routines and then doing some research to try and find a case. The case Dean finds involves vampires that attack Ohio towns along Route 77. We later find out that the vampires had been investigated by their father years ago and that this was unfinished business. Initially the hunt goes as planned but everything heads south quickly when the brothers are overpowered and Dean is impaled on a piece of rebar and eventually dies.

His final moments are absolutely heartbreaking, especially since this time we knew he was gone for good. For me that made it even worse, because I felt a strong connection to Dean and his story from the very first episode and he was a character that I have always seen a piece of myself in. His death left me absolutely devastated. I had grown so attached to him over the years and to me, he was family. It was hard for me to even look past Dean’s death and focus on the rest of the episode, because I felt like I had just lost a close family member. after the finale was over, I ended up crying for over two hours because I was still in shock that he was gone. My brain was struggling to process it and I barely slept that night. Over the course of the show, Dean had done so many good things and for him to die the way he did just felt like a slap in the face. The aftermath was just as bad as the actual finale. Less than two years prior, I lost my grandfather and went through the stages of grief and now I was experiencing that same decline in my mental health all over again. I felt numb and indifferent about a lot of things, I slept in later than I usually would and most days I barely left my room. To some, being this affected over the death of a fictional character seems childish and immature, but considering how much I saw myself in Dean and his journey during the show, and how much I had grown since I started watching, his death felt like I had been stabbed in the back. The fact that he was killed when he was finally learning to love himself and experience true happiness and peace was extremely upsetting for me and was a legitimate cause of emotional distress. I felt so betrayed by the finale, because Sam and Dean had been through so much and did so many good things for thousands of people and that ending didn’t send a good message to fans. Supernatural taught fans the importance of self acceptance, found family, and most importantly, to always keep fighting your battles no matter what. The finale seemed to throw that out completely, and the message it sent was unsettling: you can only find peace in death and that erasure of LGBTQ characters is acceptable.

Dean is bisexual, it was not explicitly confirmed in the show but multiple actors have come forward and confirmed it. The fact that dean is bisexual added a whole other layer of disappointment and distress to my already declining mental health. Proper LGBTQ representation in media is few and far between especially bisexual individuals like myself. The fact that my comfort character was killed as he was finally beginning to accepting himself after repressing his true identity for most of his life was extremely damaging to me.

It felt like the writers were indirectly telling me that I don’t deserve to be happy and speak my truth and that good people won’t get the happiness and peace they deserve really affected me. It felt like a betrayal in every sense of the word and even though it’s been over two months since the finale aired, I’m still struggling with my mental health due to the finale.

[watchingspnagain]

Meet Mace

Hi, I'm Mace, and this is my Intro Post. Ab Spectando Condito and all that. (I sometimes channel Livy when I'm nervous, don't be alarmed.) And I'm nervous because my memory is absolute crap so I can't actually remember all the details here, even though this all started only, like, two years ago. It's also hard to wrap my head around the idea of trying to describe this thing that Lor and I have started (created?) and how and why it has become so important. So, well, bear with me.

Okay, here goes: For years friends had been telling me that I *needed* to watch Supernatural; it was right up my street, they'd say. But I kept putting their recommendations aside, thinking that, sure, Dean from Gilmore Girls is in it and he's adorable, but that other guy looks like a frat boy cliché, and overall the show seemed like it was probably Buffy but with Dudes (and I LOVE Buffy and will brook no substitutions or messings-with The Buffy). Eventually I decided to give it a try anyway, a decision wholly based on how hilarious the memes were. Maybe the non-Dean guy (His name is Dean? *His* name is Dean? Wait, no, that's not...but why tho?) isn't so bad? The first attempt didn't go well: my husband, who is so very not interested in SPN, was away on a business trip and I waited until my then-10yo son was in bed, crawled into bed myself, and started the first episode. At night. Alone. I made it 10 minutes before actually saying out loud, "NOPE" and turning it off. Cripes, that first episode (and most of the first season, really) is actual, full-on scary! I mean, what. Why have Handsome Boys making Hilarious Quips on a show that I can't watch because I'm too scared?! Sort of rude, to be honest.

And that was it for, I think?, a couple of months or so. Then - and this is one of the places where my memory gets foggy (I tried three times to type that correctly and the first two came out as "goofy" and honestly yes that too) - the watching of SPN was mentioned on another site I spend much amounts of time on. I suspect Lor remembers the details much better than I do, but somehow we starting talking about how we both had been thinking about watching SPN for a long time, but hadn't actually done so because past attempts on both sides had resulted in fright and flight.

Now, Lor and I have been friends on that other site for several years, but never before really corresponded much outside of that site's chat-like forum section. I pretty much admired her from afar, as it were, and held her as a Fantasy BFF in my daydreams - she was (and still is to this very day) cool and *so* clever and smart and had (and still does to this very day) such a brilliant knack for turning a phrase and I admired (and still do to this very day) her wit and snark and general amazingness, but, again, mostly from afar. So when we somehow decided to try again with Supernatural, but this time together, I was ridiculously excited. I had no idea, though, just how life-changing that decision would be. We bonded, it seemed, almost instantly over our love (second time is the charming one, I guess?) of the show and over discovering how much we have in common with each other. It's comical, almost, just how alike we are in all kinds of areas: similar childhood experiences, nearly identical (like, eerily so sometimes) tastes and opinions on all manner of things, and we're essentially twins in our list of Things That Make Our Anxieties Spike.

We started off watching the episodes separately (I think I was a little ahead of her for a bit? Gah - stupid faulty memory) and then typing up our comments and emailing them to each other, then responding with comments on our comments. And it quickly became one of the highlights of my days, getting those emails, reading through her clever and hilarious remarks, feeling pure glee when we had almost exactly the same thoughts - sometimes even typing the exact same phrases, word for word. This, then, at some point, evolved into watching the episodes at the same time and live-texting each other, which means that now we very often are typing exactly the same reactions, word for word, and then geeking out at how SAME we are in real time. Of course we have differences, too, but even those seem to complement each other: she's the Hufflepuff to my Slytherin; she's a Dean girl and I'm a Sam girl (well, and also a Crowley girl - Sam girl in the streets and Crowley girl in the sheets?); she likes Wuthering Heights, which slightly baffles me but, okay, because we both agree that MacFadyen is the best Darcy.

We had big plans to have a meet-up to watch the series finale together. See, we've never actually met in person. We became friends online, then became closer friends through this mutual SPN watch, but that's also online. And so I've never been face-to-face with my best friend. Because the meet-up for the finale didn't happen, of course. Because Covid, of course. For both of us, anxiety added a special sauce of NOPE to leaving the house this last year and we've both, I think, been pretty much isolated, staying home and not having much interaction with others outside the other members of our households. Which means that our SPN watching and our growing friendship took on an even greater meaning and importance for me. I'm honestly not sure that I could have handled the massive stress and anxiety of this last year without Lor's friendship. It just feels...natural, at this point, that I spend my days texting her back and forth about all sorts of things, the small and mundane to the big and important. Lor has become a huge part of my life and if a full day were to pass by without talking to her, I'd feel that loss fairly keenly. On some level it seems pretty bizarre that I owe such a debt of gratitude for this amazing friendship to a TV show, but here we are. This show, its characters, and the actors and writers who have made them so outstanding and special? Well, I owe them all incalculable amounts of thanks.

Anyway. So.

We're now on our second go-round with our SPN watching (because I think neither of us can now even begin to fathom a life in which we're *not* watching this show together), and Lor, (hello - did I mention she's brilliant and amazing?) low-key drops the idea that we should be blogging our live-text conversations. We've talked before about really wanting to have a record of *waves hands around* all this, and a blog seems like a great way to do that, regardless of whether anyone else ever reads it. I'm content for it to be an open and ongoing love letter to Supernatural and to our friendship, even if it remains a largely unread one.

And finally, here are a few Thing You Should Maybe Know About Me:

I'm a farmer's daughter with a PhD in Classics, a one-time professor, turned stay-at-home mom, turned part-time librarian, turned Classics prof. again, living in the Midwest with my husband, 12-going-on-80yo son, and a goofball of a golden retriever.

I love reading as much as I hate housecleaning, and I'll read pretty much anything unless the dog dies or the child gets hurt.

I also really like knitting and sewing and one of my very favorite things is to make ridiculously-tailored Halloween costumes for my son (thank the gods he's totally into it, too). I missed my calling to be a cosplay designer. Maybe in retirement...

I fall in love easily and fast and hard for fictional characters, especially the ones that are 1) evil and/or generally villainous, 2) tormented, 3) super smart and/or skilled, 4) filthy rich, 5) completely unattainable, and if they're all of the above, Holy. Damn.

[gothamangelwings]

Okay, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to say anything about this, but I have to, for my own sanity. Excuse me for my rambling (especially about Castiel) and repeating myself, which I probably will do in this post.

Truth is I only got into Supernatural a little over a year ago. I just kept avoiding it over the years. I think when it was in it’s 7th or 8th season, I thought to myself “oh this should be ending soon. I’ll just wait til its over and watch it then” That did not happen. Jump to last year when I heard about the Scoobynatural episode. I love Scooby so I had to watch. And I loved it. And I really loved Sam and Dean. But I also couldn’t stop thinking about the guy in the trench coat with the deep voice named Castiel. Did very little research to find out he’s an angel. That’s all I wanted to know. Went to netflix and started watching the show from the beginning. By the time I got midway thru season 3 I was hooked. I started buying the dvds in bunches. Watching as much as a I could a week. When I got to season 4 I was Cass on the cover of the boxset and said “that’s him! That’s the angel! He’s in the season!” I actually didn’t know he would show up right in the beginning of the season but when Dean was at that gas station and gas started shattering I thought. That’s him isn’t it? That’s Castiel. Misha’s actual entrance on the show is the best in history. I do love Sam and Dean but I’m not going to lie and pretend like Castiel isn’t my favorite. Because he is. I adore that awkward angel. He is the reason I happily kept watching and brought all the dvds because I knew Misha was still working on the show. He is the reason I will buy season 15. I started shipping Destiel in season 5 but when I re-watched the series (Yes I watched it twice in less than a year. One over a period of several months the other over a few weeks before the show came back after hiatus.) I saw moments in season 4 that i missed the first time around.

So yes this finale makes me cry and not in a good way. although there are a few saving graces.

Let’s begin.

First let me start by saying I do not in any way blame the actors. Especially Jensen. He said he thought the ending was bad and had to be talked into it. Dean/Jensen deserved better. I blame the writers and producers and The CW

Second, repeat after me:

Cass is in heaven with Dean

Cass is in heaven with Dean

Cass is in heaven with Dean

Cass is in heaven with Dean

Now speaking of Castiel, who I mostly want to talk about before addressing the rest of this mess. Castiel/Misha deserved better. There really is no reason Misha couldn’t be in the final episode unless there was something on his end. Although seeing that he recently went to California to shoot a something for Amazon and took West to the Winchester House. He can definitely travel. But if there was some reason on his end, then okay, fine then. However that doesn’t excuse the way the handled his character in these last two episodes.

Yes in 15x19 Dean demands Chuck bring Cass back. Dean remembers Cass’s words when Chuck calls him the ultimate killer. Yes, Dean runs to the door when he thinks Cass has just called him. Instead in was Lucifer. What a slap in the face to the fans and an insult to Misha after that beautiful confession of love.

But the end of the episode. Jack becomes God and no one says “What about Cass?”

Now 15x20. Sam brings up Castiel and Dean is just like “move on“. No, That is not Dean. No matter what Dean cared about Castiel, to the point that being without him in the past led him to depression. i understand he doesn’t want Castiel’s sacrifice to be in vein. But come on. There’s living on and being happy and then there’s acting like the guy didn’t matter. Again, no. That is not Dean. Not after all the development those two have had. I know Dean wasn’t always perfect when it came to Cass but he did care. What happened to “We lost everything. Now you’re going to bring him back” What happened to the purgatory apology and admitting his anger issues. And so much more.

Again Castiel is in heaven. Jack got him out of The Empty. But they could of made it more clear. ( I swear, if they are leaving this up to interpretation....) Because I see so many people who have “conveniently” missed what Bobby said and insist he’s still in The Empty. Or just want to say “well that’s not what he meant. Cas is still dead, he just meant his influence on Jack” or some shit like that.(Now that I think about maybe influence isn’t the right word to use with this fandom lol)

Anyway lets say that Misha could not in anyway be there for filming. YOU CAN STILL ADDRESS HIS CHARACTER PROPERLY AND GIVE HIM A SATISFYING ENDING. In fact you barely have to change the scene between Dean and Bobby just add a few more lines.

Dean: “So Jack did all that?”

Bobby: “Well Cass helped”

Dean: “Wait, Cass is here?!”

Bobby: ‘Yep, Kid got him out.”

Dean: “Well where is he? Can I see him?”

Bobby (smiling): “Now calm down ya idjit. He’ll be back soon. Had some business to take of. But he is planning to stick around here with the rest of us.’

Dean (smiling, happy because he’s getting a second chance): Good. He belongs with us. With me. (takes a drink) It’s just too bad...

Bobby (knowing he’s talking about Sam: “Don’t worry he’ll be here shortly...”

Scene plays out as normal but instead when Sam and Dean are reunited. Dean tells him “Let’s head back, Mom, Dad, Bobby, and Cass are waiting for us. Along with everyone else we loved and lost when we were alive.”

Or... a few scenarios with Castiel there (even for a few moments)

1. When Dean dies (yeah we’ll talk about that) Jack sends down Cass to take him to heaven. Dean leaves his body. Watches as Sam falls apart and then hears “Hello Dean” turns and there’s Cass to guide him to heaven and also let him know Sam will be okay and will live a happy life”

2. The scene with Bobby starts the way it did but instead after he says “Well Cass helped” he points behind Dean.

Cass: “Hello Dean.”

Dean: “Cas! Aw, it’s good to see you. You have no idea.”

They embrace. Maybe the say something about the confession maybe they don’t but at least they’re together and we know that they have time to talk.

Episode continues as it did but again Dean tells Sam that Castiel is here waiting for them.

3. Episode plays exactly as it did. Except at the very end after Sam and Dean reunite on the bridge...

Cass: “Hello Dean. Hello Sam”

Both: Cass!

The three hug. Dean a bit longer.

Dean: “Well look at that. Team Free Will back together again. This time forever.”

In any scenario Castiel is living in heaven with the boys. Him and Dean eventually talk about what happened. In my canon Dean returns his feelings but even if he can’t it’s okay because Dean does care about Cass. And Castiel’s happiness was just in being able to say it. Either way they’re together along with everyone else they love and will be waiting for those who haven’t arrived yet.

Also Cass finally gets his guinea pig. Because he deserves it.

ONCE AGAIN, EVEN IF MISHA COULDN’T BE THERE. THERE WERE STILL BETTER WAYS TO HANDLE THIS ENDING! OH AND THERE BETTER NOT BE SOME LAME ASS THING LIKE ‘HE’S IN HEAVEN WORKING WITH JACK BUT ISN’T ALLOWED HERE BECAUSE THE NEW GOD LIKES TO KEEP ANGELS SEPARATE FROM THE REST OF US’

NO. CASTIEL IS DEFINITELY WITH DEAN IN HEAVEN. END OF STORY.

Moving on the other problems which I won’t go into full detail in like I did Castiel.

Dean’s death. The ever loving fuck was that? A nail?! I get that they finally get to call the shots in there own lives now but come on! A nail. And this is what a few weeks after defeating Chuck. Who, if he wants to can have a happy life. You know when Cass heard about this he rolled his eyes. Like “Really?!”

Ewwww that forehead touch. I know for most people it’s just a sweet final moment between two siblings as one dies. But we all know this is fuel for the Winc*sters and b*bros. I mean come on now. You’re afraid to have Dean even acknowledge Castiel’s feelings but a forehead touch that can and will be taken out of context as romantic between two brothers is fine and dandy. I was watching this with my Mom and even she was like “That forehead touch,,, why.. just why...”

Funny thing about my Mom. (Sorry not sorry going back to talk about Cass for a moment) She has been watching SPN with me this year but honestly only (not even) half paid attention. She has a habit of always looking at her phone even when it’s something she wants to watch. Two weeks ago after 15X18 I asked “Do you believe Cass’s confession was romantic?”

Her response. “No, they’re just friends. Angels aren’t supposed to feel romantic love.’ We get into a small argument.

A few days later...

Me: “Misha confirmed it was romantic.”

Mom: “Oh, well that settles it then. I just was taught that angels didn’t feel that kind of love.”

Me: “Yeah but your forgetting a few things. 1. Cass isn’t like other angels and 2. This is a fictional tv show not the actual bible.

Mom laughs: “Good point, Guess I didn’t think about that.”

Me: “Y’know people are actually saying  that Cass can’t be gay or bi because Dean isn’t.”

Mom: “That’s stupid. One has nothing to do with the other. Even if Dean doesn’t feel the same way that doesn’t change Castiel’s feelings.”

Jump to the last few days.

Mom: “Cass is going to show up in the finale. He and Dean will be reunited! Maybe he’s one of those people in the masks being controlled by The Empty. Or maybe there will be a scene in the barn where Dean is on the ground about to be stabbed and Cass saves him in the knick of time!”

Mom after the finale: “That was terrible. Very disappointed. They really couldn’t get Misha for few minutes. They better not use covid as an excuse with all those people on that bridge. Everything about this episode felt wrong” (she said that about 15x19 too). (Grabs her phone to look at twitter) “Misha is crying. This episode doesn’t deserve pie.”

We brought pie. We did not eat it.

Moving on.. .yeah yeah the wig on Jared was awful. But who cares. What I want to know is who is the mother? Is it Eileen? I hope it’s Eileen. It better be Eileen.

The barn. Why? Why that barn? Did they really think no one would notice. I get reusing sets and locations as completely different places. But that just hurt.

Did we need so many songs with no dialogue being spoken. I mean yes Carry On was a must have but so much time could’ve been spent talking about other characters during the other songs .

And again why are they trying to make Dean look bad. It’s not his/Jensen’s fault it’s the horrible writing of these final two episodes. Why did they not take to opportunity to talk about Castiel’s confession. Yes I’m  back on Cas again. I warned you. Also he’s probably the main reason you’re reading this anyway, so yeah...

I would like to believe a conversation happened off screen but the way Sam and Dean acted it doesn’t seem like it.

Again would it be so hard. Two scenarios

1.

Dean: “Before Cass got dragged into the Empty he told me...

Sam: :Told you what?”

Dean: He told me... he told me he loved me.”

Sam (smiling): “That’s not news Dean,”

Dean: “No Sammy. He really loved me... like... you know..”

Sam: “Again, not news Dean. How do you feel? “

Dean (hesitates): “ I think... no, I know I love him too. He’s the only man I’ll ever love.”

Sam: “Well you know technically Cass really isn’t male... so...

Dean: “Oh please Sammy. Could you imagine Cass in any other body? Especially a chicks. It would be so weird.”

Sam: “Good point.”

Dean: “Besides, he was perfect the way he was.”

2.

Dean: “Before Cass got dragged into the Empty he told me...

Sam: :Told you what?

”Dean: He told me... he told me he loved me.”

Sam (smiling): “That’s not news Dean,”

Dean: “No Sammy. He really loved me... like... you know..”

Sam: “Again, not news Dean. How do you feel? “

Dean: “I can’t return his feelings. I see him as a man and you know I’m attracted to women.”

Sam: “Alright then.”

Dean. “But y’know...”

Sam: “Hmmm?”

Dean: “I still miss him. I wish he was here with us.”

There were so many easy ways to fix this and they did nothing. Did they not think 15x18 would have a huge impact. I really hope the writers are kicking themselves for this. Funny, by ignoring Castiel and his feelings they actually brought more attention and love to him and Misha.

I really don’t know if a rewrite and reshoot for the dvd release is possible. Has that ever been done, I feel like it has but I’m not sure. But if it is. Fix it. It only took a few weeks to film these last two episodes. I’m sure all the actors can come back to film for a few weeks. Once there are less Covid restrictions of courses. I know there’s been talk about a possible movie. That could fix it. As long as they bring back the angel in the trench coat. Or how about a bonus episode for the dvd 15x21 where everyone is gathered in heaven. Sam, Dean, Cass, Bobby, Mary, John, Kevin, Charlie, Eileen, Jo, Ellen, Pam. Even Crowley and Rowena because why not. Oooh and Meg too because she did sacrifice herself for them and also I just love her.  Anyway they all gather and talk about old times. Perfect excuse for an old fashion clip show. Funny/heartwarming banter in between. Make Destiel canon at the end. Another possible way to fix it is do a comic book season or even just a few issues to flesh out the ending in heaven. Just fix it.

At least we have fanfiction.

If there are any positives to take away it’s this:

1: Castiel is in heaven with Dean. They are together. They have a second chance.

2. It was said only 30% of the fanbase would like this ending. Like many people I assumed that meant a Destiel ending. Cause I thought out of the whole fanbase shippers were in the minority. Nope turns of the the Winc*sters/B*bros are the 30%. Destiel fans, Cass fans, Misha fans are part of the 70% who hate this. Though why you would want to only please 30% of your fanbase is beyond me.

3. Sam was able to live a long happy life without being codependent on his brother.

I absolutely hated the last two episodes and how this show ended. Again the only saving grace is knowing Jack got Castiel out of The Empty and he and Dean reunited in heaven. But no matter how much I hated 99% of the ending. I still love this show and all it’s characters. I will happily go back and watch it over again to relive the good, funny, sad, bittersweet moments. The final 90 minutes of the series is not going to ruin that for me. I love Sam and Dean but Castiel is my favorite and I will happily go back and enjoy everything about his character. I am not going  to let this ruin Supernatural for me. Next summer I am going to my first SPN Convention and I can’t wait. I may have only discovered the greatness of Supernatural a year ago after avoiding it for so long but I want it to stay apart of my life. Like I said I only got into Supernatural a little over a year ago but this hurt my heart so much I only imagine how those of your who’ve been here for over a decade feel.

I know this was very, very long and I probably actually forgot some things I wanted to say. But I’m tired.

Cass and Dean are in heaven together. I believe they are canon 💙💚

[wersoverytired]

Watching the Supernatural finale hours after almost dying is, well. Different.

I cannot stress this enough: MAJOR triggers for frank discussion of a recent suicide attempt (no, not because SPN ended). Steer clear if this might hit too close to home. I'm no longer at risk, this happened a while ago and is over, and my care manager is aware.

Right, and spoilers for the series finale.

_____ _____ _____

I'm old enough to have been a fan of SPN since 2005. And considering the fact that childhood abuse had me suicidal at around age 12, probably earlier, it's safe to say that I have never watched the show without that constant battle going on in the background, unrelated.

When Dean said he was tired, that he was done, I got it. When Sam asked in that abandoned chapel what the upside was to him being alive, or when he confided in his brother in a hotel hallway that he had always felt unclean somehow, I could relate. There was more to the show than that, of course -- the love, the loyalty, the humor -- but the struggle was another point of connection.

As both the show and I grew long in the tooth, and my life circumstances were progressive getting worse (as they sometimes do when you carry untreated trauma), I used SPN and the fandom as a comfort. And increasingly, living to see how the Winchester story ends became one of those grappling hooks you latch on to when you look for reasons to keep going just a little longer.

Naturally, that didn't (and couldn't) arm me against the waves of acute, hope-obliterating, soul-sucking despair that can routinely crash on your head when you're dealing with poverty, chronic physical illness and disability -- and in a harsh country, too -- as well as being severely post traumatic and dissociative. Saving me was never the show's job, nor should it have been. I used it as much as I could, though.

The more I felt like I had to die, the more I tried. Dying hardly ever comes naturally, not even when you feel like there's no other way. Painfully isolated and increasingly bedridden, I watched convention panels and smiled so hard my face hurt. Other times I cried. And I made online friends, often through the fandom, who made life less empty. Who loved and laughed and cried with me from afar. It's hard to overstate the effect that can have when you're trapped in a body that's pretty much your cage, with a mind that's wounded and struggling.

I kept fighting. But I also kept finding myself, over and over again, faced with the reality that most people who are deeply traumatized, certainly those who are also severely dissociative, get to know early on: the world excels at letting many of us know that there's no place for us. Fighting hard to survive with about 10% of what I need to live, I sometimes find it hard not to listen to that toxic message that many survivors and disabled folks hear and feel coming at them over and over: you're too broken to justify the cost and effort of keeping you alive.

It's been an especially hard couple of years in that sense. And as the finale was months, then weeks, then days away, I kept telling myself to wait. Wait for that. Decide later. "Deciding later" is a survival technique I've been using for decades now whenever I get actively suicidal. It's not a bad one.

So that very last Thursday evening (or very late night, where I live) came around. And it so happens that I was at the very end of my rope. Again, for unrelated reasons to the show ending, obviously. And I couldn't go on.

The finale was hours away, and off I went on that same journey. Wait. Wait just long enough to see how it ends. It's been 15 years. You've survived so far, and that bit of closure, at least, is within reach. Just fucking wait to watch that last episode; see how they go before you do. Let that be the one last kind thing you do for yourself.

I kept telling myself that even as I numbly went through my final checklist.

I know it hurts so much. I know this damn body is tortured beyond what you can stand, I know we've been told it's about to get even worse. And hours more of this seem like an eternity. Watching anything seems impossible. I know the PTSD is intolerable, I know you can't sleep, you live in constant fear and rage and exhaustion; I know you're alone in this.

I know you live in a place that has made its peace with people like you dying of Covid, and finds it a small price to pay for refusing to wear masks. I know how that makes you feel, to be told that your life is worth that little because you're disabled. I know 9 months of what amounts to house arrest, while living alone, have made everything so much worse. I know you just want to go.

But wait to watch how it ends. And decide later. You can go later. You can.

And I almost made it. I mean, I'm obviously still here, so I eventually survived. But I tried not to. I couldn't wait.

Sometimes, when you get to the lowest low point, when you are in all-encompassing agony, when your circumstances leave no room for hope even though you desperately want to live -- and I do, I so want to live -- no show, no fandom, no unfinished story can keep you from taking that step over the edge. Many times it can, but there are places where nothing has any meaning. Thursday night became one of those. Watching the finale was a faded notion in the background of all that agony, and then it was nothing at all.

I only managed to write one goodbye letter. Hard to be as organized as you imagined you would be, hard not to leave unforgivable loose ends. I have no memory of what the letter said, and I can't look at it, not yet. It's tucked away now, just out of view.

And then I went about doing the only thing that I felt could be done.

I didn't get to go away. Both because I couldn't stand the torment of the only method I had handy, though I sure gave it my best efforts -- two more minutes would have sealed the deal -- and because I was fucking afraid to die. All the way through, until I gave up and stopped what I was doing.

Fear of dying when you're your own executioner is an odd thing. Your body wants out of this plan you've made for you both. It responds like you'd expect when someone's life in under threat. It makes you have to run to the bathroom over and over, it makes your heart hammer in your chest and your ears ring.

There was no crying. Not at that point. I don't think there was crying when I gave up and accepted that I was staying alive, either. But I can't remember.

I don't know what I did during the few hours after that. The physical consequences of what I did were gone within half an hour or so -- being so ill, I knew not to try something that would land me in the ER during COVID, should I not complete the plan. I'd also be on my own there, and most likely dissociated to such a degree that I wouldn't be able to move or speak. That's not something I ever wanted to experience again, and a fucking horrible starting point if I survived.

Anyway, I was okay physically soon enough, which is not how it usually goes. I just remember being fuzzy and distant and alone. There was no one to call, and I also thought about how it would feel to get a call like that. I considered a crisis hotline, but didn't have the energy to explain my messy, complicated circumstances. I probably just lay there.

A few hours later, I was present enough to watch the finale. Still don't know how. Dissociation has it occasional advantages, one of which is being disconnected from certain things when it's all too much. And so I watched the final episode in bed, with the aftermath of that suicide attempt still all around me.

I watched Dean die the way he did. I watched Sam die. I watched them both being given the pained, tearful reassurance that it was okay to go. Watched them being held, watched those two strong, kindhearted, emotional, loyal men crying as they breathed their last. Dean's death, especially, broke my heart. He so clearly did not want to die. Was afraid, more than ever before.

I did cry then. I sobbed. I could cry for them. Hell, I could cry for that dog, wandering with Sam through the empty halls of the bunker. I cried as that dog looked up, with all that trust and love, at the only human he had left. I cried for Sam, sitting drained and aching in the dark library. Saying "I know, me too" on the unmade bed in Dean's cold, empty room.

Before that, back in the barn, I watched Dean not want to go. Sam begging him not to go, then forcing himself to tell his older brother what he needed, what he begged to hear. That he wasn't abandoning the one person he had spent his life looking out for. That Sam would survive him going, now that he had to go.

I never saved the world, and there's nothing heroic about me. But so much of what went on around those characters' deaths echoed what I had felt hours earlier, what I still was feeling. It gave me a safe way to cry for that, too.

I will always be grateful to the show for that small mercy. And grateful to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, whom I've never met and never will, and have given such phenomenal performances here that they reached through all that distance, to unknowingly touch an ache that I could not cry for. They'll never know that. I imagine there are so many people like me who feel the same gratefulness, too, for their own similar moments of human connection.

The show is over now, and I try not to be sad about that, and I'm sure I will be. It would be sadder if I didn't feel a loss. Meanwhile, life doesn't stall just because you tried to stop your own. It's around two weeks later now, bright and loud outside my window in a world that's not safe for me to go out in, and I am lying in bed in a half-lit room trying to manage my pain. I didn't die. I'm still here.

I can't pretend I'm glad that I am, but I also know that I'm not ready to go yet. I'm just not. I have no good reason for that; sometimes you're just too afraid to die. And so I can't see myself trying to go away again any time soon. My health might take care of that for me anyway, but otherwise, looks like I'm stuck on this ride.

I'm very grateful that I've had SPN and its people for so long through this battle, to give me and the rest of the fandom so much more than meets the eye. And I'm grateful for that last, good cry, too.

Well, not the last cry, for sure. There's always rewatch #475783. 

[aroarolibrary]

Oh man so, first off: congrats to angel/dean shippers on getting your canon thing in spanish but secondly:

Man this whole thing that’s been happening with this show over the last few weeks has 100% reminded me that this show and Sherlock were the two fandoms that made be super romance repulsed because of all the internalized self-hate and trauma they caused me. Like. I was romance repulsed before but those fandoms?? Jacked it up to 100% for years in which I couldn’t interact with any romantic stories or fandoms at all.

Story time!!!

Tw for: self harm, self hatred, hypersexuality, mental health issues, child neglect.

So imagine you are me: a young person who has just graduated high school and, very suddently, went from being “single mother of your little sister” who you had essentially raised on your own for the last four years when she was 5 to 9 yo to “every day college kid that sees their sibling that they raised for the last four years maybe once a month.

Also imagine that, out of all of your high school friends, none of them are attending the same university as you and so. Well.

You’re feeling pretty lonely and depressed.

Now also imagine: you didn’t really have a chance to consume media I HS because: parent. In fact 90% of what you watched was kids cartoons for your sibling +bonus Inuyasha at 3am as a...Uh....treat.....(that’s the kind way of saying ‘setting an alarm at 3am to check to make sure the parents actually got home from wherever TF they vanished to nearly every night).

But hey! You are free now and can watch/read what you want between classes! Only, well, where to start? You go to a book store and find a Sherlock Holmes book and think “okay ya I’ve always wanted to read these!” And proceed to consume them in one week flat.

They are amazing. The relationship between Sherlock and John reminds you of your and one of your best friends/honorary cousins that you haven’t seen in a while and it brings you comfort to read, but now you are out of stories so, you do what any person this day in ages does: you find fanfiction. Now, Sherlock wasn’t a thing at this point and so nearly all the fanfics were based on the books and, of those, 80-85% you gen. No romance at all. Just relaxing stories about friends and solving mysteries.

Then Sherlock happens and, don’t get me wrong, I was definitely a fan when the show started, but suddenly fanfiction was no longer mostly gen, it was shifting, becoming more and more shipping and romance related and it became harder and harder to find non-romantic stories.

Then a person I was living with suggested supernatural. “It’s a story about brothers and it focuses on them.” They said “very little romance. You would probably like it.”

And so I watched it and, they were right, I did. And ya, that one wasn’t exactly like the early Sherlock Holmes fandom, it had a lot of shipping from the get go, but I could also really easily find gen fics that focused on siblings and familial relationships and ignore the rest since there was a pretty even 50/50 split with a slight favor on the gen side.

(Keep in mind there is a LOT of other irl trauma going on in the BG of this story which I know I’ve talked about before. A lot of which is also feeding into the romance repulsion and my avoidance of romance in fandom spaces along with my “blossoming” hypersexuality)

Anyway, the familial relationship in spn was a comfort. At the point I moved from Sherlock to SPN I was in my second year on university and was doing a bit better mentally (in the “sadness” front at least) but I was still missing seeing my sister a lot and so SPN was a comfort in that sense. It was something to relax with that didn’t have romance or anything of the sort that, at that point, was only driving me further and further into hypersexuality (I was dating my first ‘official’ partner at that point and, while I can recognize it now looking back, romance in shows and movies made me feel inadequate as a partner. Like I was failing and not doing enough. Was not romantic enough. Was not showing affection enough. But physically I also couldn’t bring myself to do those things either. What I could do was sex. And, well, when that’s all you have to offer...)

ANYWAY: spn was the one show I knew of on TV that was low to no romance and that the fandom was also decently low on romance, instead focusing mostly on family and the brothers.

Cut forward a few years, I’m back into a depression, I’ve failed at a relationship again because all I can offer is sex and that’s really not enough for people that are looking for actual romance and:

And supernatural introduces an angel character to the show. It’s interesting but I’m pretty depressed and not really all that interested in the show anyway at this point-

But then the fandom happens and it’s like a flood. The romance pours in from all corners along with the absolute hate for anyone that doesn’t see anything romantic happening. It’s like watching a wild fire go through a fandom, what was once a fandom that mostly was just about siblings all of a sudden became all about this angel character and Dean. So much so that it over shadowed everything and any attempt to just enjoy the show as a gen thing or as a family-centric show became impossible.

It was also around this point that a lot of...idk what to call it really because it wasn’t exactly hate, it was like a “this is the only way to read/be in this fandom and if you aren’t we are going to harass you non-stop until you see things our way”. If you couldn’t see the romance between these two characters it was because you were homophobic. If you preferred gen it was because you were homophobic. If you focused on just the brothers and their relationship it was because you were homophobic. If you couldn’t see that Dean was better off in a romantic relationship then with his brother who he had an ‘unhealthy’ relationship with then you were homophobic.

(Keep in mind at this point I was out as bisexual and had attempted to date a woman at this point. I say attempted because, well, again: aromantic even if I didn’t know it then)

It was intense and, from the POV of an aromantic person struggling with being unable to understand even basic romance: it was traumatizing.

I tried to see it, to understand what these shippers were seeing that I couldn’t. Yes, I could see how Sam and Dean’s relationship could be viewed as unhealthy, but as someone who had lived a similar life to theirs as a kid, and to suddenly be bombarded with this idea that the “healthy” way to cope with that is a “romantic relationship” it was a lot. And by a lot I mean a death spiral.

There was...a lot of one night stands and sex and half-attempted relationships after that, in that desperate attempt to understand. There was also panic, nausea, fear that my own relationship with my sister was unhealthy. Was causing both of us harm. That the only way I could keep from hurting her further was to find a “healthy” romantic relationship instead because siblings aren’t meant to be close, not even those where one raised the other alone for years on end.

I had no context outside of fandom about what a healthy sibling relationship looked like and, hell, most TV shows at the time painted sibling relationships as antagonist 90% of the time and with them only interacting when necessary. My parents both had siblings but my dad talked to his maybe once a month and my mom faught with Hers a lot. I had never faught with my sister. We got along perfectly, mostly because from the ages on 13 - 18 I lived for her alone and so I was used to putting her first no matter what.

But this fandom, that had been a comfort for me for a while, suddenly said that was wrong. That instead romance was the way to go and I...

Well. I am conscious of myself enough now to know that I was purposely hurting myself. A lot. Punishing myself over and over and over again, not just because I couldn’t figure out how to “feel” romance like I was supposed to do but also because I was a terrible sibling. Because I had failed my sister some how and had ended up in an “unhealthy codependent” relationship with her since, if Sam and Dean’s relationship was like that according to fans, then obviously so was ours.

(God and don’t get me started on the spiral that the new Inuyasha Sequel put me into a few months ago. I’m STILL not out of that spiral yet. These last few months have not been good for the “romance isn’t important/is unnecessary” front)

I would like to say that I soon realized how terrible the fandom was for my mental health and that it was causing me to harm myself but that isn’t how this story ends. How it ends is that I Eventually I ended up not being able to watch SPN any more. Every episode was just another dagger in my side. Another failure to press my face into. Another series of interactions where I couldn’t see. Couldn’t understand. Another episode that would let to another desperate one night stand/attempt at understanding how this was better. Healthier. How this was how things were supposed to be. Another night of not talking to my family or friend and another few days of not talking to my sister because talking to her too much was wrong.

So ya. This story doesn’t end nicely. It just slowly fades to black. To a point where I hate myself so much that I can’t bring myself to interact with the fandom or internet at all. Where everything just kind of...goes away and vanished but where the trauma still exists. Where stories that start out about family and, suddenly, introduce love interests leave me nauseous and choked. Where my romance repulsion gets so strong that I can’t sleep because I just keep remembering my failures. The fact that it’s not healthy to focus or care about your family. That there must be romance. There must There must there must. Because with out it all other relationships are bad/wrong/unhealthy and you are bad/wrong/unhealthy for only having those.

Just the endless mantra. All night long.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad.

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Bad

Wrong.

Unhealthy.

Over and over and over again.

[adrunkgiraffe]

I have been through this journey before, so I get to be actually frustrated about it.

IUnder a read more because im not subjecting y’all to this. Also: I should caveat I haven’t watched the episode cause I’m waiting till its on Netflix but I have watched way too many other episodes of Supernatural so I have a right to say these things. 

TL;DR: I mean you all knew Cas’ confession was fucking bullshit and that SPN is...hm. But I’d like to actually express my genuine frustration, for a moment? I’m going to say things you already know, but I have too much knowledge of this show and too much stupid meta in my brain about a series I haven’t genuinely enjoyed for at least 5 years which makes this not just blandly bad but disgustingly insulting to me not even as a gay just as like. A writer?

Or, even shorter: Cas’ confession is just a Charlie Bradbury Speedrun 

So. As some of you may know if, for some reason, you followed me back in 2013 (and till...okay fine 2015), I used to be, uh. Really into SPN. Really, I was into Destiel. Like, as in, I slogged through seasons 1-3 to get to Cas and am also really vulnerable to the Sunk Cost Fallacy and projecting onto characters. (I was in 8th grade in 2013, okay? Get off my back)

Also, because I monopolised use of the TV, I kind of...also got my parents into it? In a “this is silly but fun” kind of way.

Over time, critiques of the show from viewers, learning what queerbaiting is at all, fatigue with how long it was going, and also fatigue from how characters I enjoyed, like Rufus, or Crowley, or Ellen, or Jo, or Kevin, or Charlie, or Cas a few times, kept getting killed off. As time went on, it didn’t escape my notice that, aside from Cas, all of these characters fit one or more of the following criteria:

They were a woman

They were a person of color

Were Queer or Queer-coded in some way (listen Crowley was bad rep but at least Mark Sheppard actually kissed a man on screen)

I also just...generally got tired of the way the show treats women and sidelines people of color. 

The final straw really came with Charlie’s death. It got us all excited, because she hadn’t been back in a bit! And it was interesting to see how reuniting with her dark side from Oz had changed her! (yeah remember the fucking Wizard of Oz storyline? The writers sure don’t!) And maybe she’d get developed! Because at this point, Charlie and the fairly good writing of her character was a major upside for the series! Charlie was cool, fun, gay, and morally complex in a way...none of the female characters had been before her, in large part because by definition, her relationship with the boys would always be platonic.

And then. Offscreen. She is violently murdered. For no damn good reason. Like, literally, her being brought back in this episode after fucking off to europe after having returned from fucking off to Oz seems to have filled two purposes in total. 

The codex is solved (but Sam doesn’t know till next episode)

Charlie is dead, which means Dean can be angry, specifically at Sam, and kill more people because he’s the big bad this season. 

That’s it. Two things. Twooooo whole reasons to do this episode. Whoopee. 

But you didn’t come here for this, you came here for me to rip this reveal to shreds. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. What I want in your minds is that Supernatural already had a really good anddynamic queer character. And then they killed her off to make Dean angry. No, it doesn’t matter that they brought her back in season 13 or whatever. They made that decision. 

After the rage this incited, I started realizing general flaws in the writing (I had probably already noticed them but now I was angry enough to complain.) Every conflict is born of Sam and Dean not communicating/taking on burdens and Dean being angry at Cas for reasons that ranged from good to ridiculous, but in a way that always went way too fucking long, (which...yes, does make the “you do it for love” gifs fucking hilarious). It didn’t help that seasons 11 and 12 were next, which meant Demon Dean and GOD’S FUCKING SISTER, plus the decision to resurrect Mary, which, while I do like her later scenes, as a season 12 finale it...well I’ll be honest it kinda sucked. It undercut the majority of the Winchester’s’ arcs and their slow and painful journey out of their father’s toxic vengeance quest and knowing Mary as a person when it’s too late to know her was one of the last semi-compelling grounders of the narrative. 

By this point it was a hate-watch for my parents and I.

So then, I’m at college, and I’m not watching anymore cause I don’t have the motivation or access to Hulu to continue, and SPN is bad. I watch the Scooby Doo crossover when it comes out and my friend and I make fun of it, and we also continue making jokes about Dean and Cas and queerbaiting because we’re queer, but I don’t keep up. My Dad does though, so when I return, I watch some with the fam and lads. It’s even more tiring without context. 

So flash forward to Quarantine, my sister, the only one with taste, has left, and we have run out of netflix to watch. So we return to the well, and seasons 13-14 are. I’m gonna say it. Bad. Really fucking bad. The cycle of bad communication continues, season 14 has like seven antagonists and the way it’s structured makes it so I literally cannot remember the timeline of a season I watched 3 months ago. Oh also, they have a queer coded cannibal snake monster for...well I guess Jack’s snake bud was cool but like. Huh wow it’s almost like these writers don’t handle queers well. 

Our one saving grace is Cas, but he’s barely in any episodes, though I did note that his deal with the empty, being happy completely for one moment killing him, that struck me as “this has potential and I know they’re gonna half-ass it somehow.” Also Jack and Mary, but then oh...plot….The most compelling it gets is literally the finale.

But then, 3 days later, the first half of season 15 comes out on Netflix and it’s...actually kind of acceptable. The new character they give Jack’s actor is fun to watch him play until they make him evil. Exploring just how toxic Chuck can be gave the series direction again. The alternate future was genuinely scarring, and Eileen’s return was genuinely moving. Most of all, though, Cas got the opportunity to tell Dean no, that Dean was being unfair to him, had always been unfair to him, and he was sick of it. I had no illusions, I knew Destiel was never gonna happen, and Cas was gonna die, but giving him that bit of agency, letting Cas grow and be self-sufficient, and be angry with Dean not for existential reasons but interpersonal ones, was such a good sign for me, and Dean grew too! Dean fucking apologized for being horrible and Jensen Ackles had a...yknow what, ill give it to him, he had a good acting moment. 

But the thing. About. The “I love you.” 

Let’s take it in parts.

What was good: I’m gonna admit it, lads, “Wanting what I can’t have” - AS A LINE - is good, and, structurally, there is something to the Empty Deal that could have been an interesting aspect of Cas’ arc when it comes to self actualization and being on even footing with Dean. The problem is, this is Supernatural, and that arc only comes up when I bring it up because character study, even in bad media, is fun for me. 

What was bad:

I mean. Like. All of it? All of it. 

Okay. Fine. I’ll be specific. 

Cas dies immediately when - possibly because- he is revealed as having feelings for Dean. They kill him as they queer him, that’s a Bury Your Gays Speedrun right there.

Like the least they could have done is have him mention it to someone in another scene or something to establish some romantic feelings on the part of canon a full episode beforehand. That would have been the literal bare minimum. 

When Cas starts praising Dean, for some reason both the writing and Misha’s acting take a bit of a downswing (from...where it already was). Cas, whose most powerful moment this season was acknowledging that Dean’s anger at him is cruel and unfair, flatly praises him for doing everything out of love and it reads with a misunderstanding of both Dean as a character and Cas’ understanding of Dean. Dean is angry! VERY ANGRY! And it’s a problem he needs to work on and rarely does. 

Talking out of my ass, a better speech would have been about how Dean is angry because of his love for Sam, family, and the people around him, how, for better or for worse, he can’t help but be angry on behalf of others, and that his journey of moving that tendency towards the better is what made Cas care so much. Guys this alteration to the metaphor took 2 minutes to write tops I am an Art History student and these are TV WRITERS WITH YEARS OF EXPERIENCE CAN YOU TELL THEYRE NOT TRYING YET? 

A better speech would, of course, have come out of a better series. My point: this part was half-assed. Poorly written. Wow it’s almost like the series is also poorly written. 

 Also, Misha is the better actor of the three(***OF THE THREE), but his choices in that scene are jarringly out of character which. Makes the bad writing worse. It doesn’t help that they cut to the same fucking shot of Dean 3 times. The chemistry in that scene makes it feel so fucking hackneyed. Because it is. 

This combines lead me to the point: (wait there was a point to this?)

As someone who does not have the luxury of watching this capsized ship fall into boiling seas from a distance, it is less insulting to me that they did this so last minute and then sent Cas to the Void than it is how they did it. They had ingredients for something that could have been compelling enough to me as a former fan of the show to think that they had put effort into it, that they had decided months, perhaps even years ago to do this, and had crafted a storyline around it. That this was an intentional decision they cared about. It wasn’t. It was barely even pandering, because it’s almost insultingly blatant. 

SPN kinda proved to me that it didn’t care about queers when Charlie was killed off. It proved it to me again when Cas, not only died in confessing his love for Dean but did it in the weakest result of what could have been a surprisingly strong story.

[itwillalwaysbedestiel]

Supernatural Star Jensen Ackles Is Ready for What’s Next. Are You?

When it was announced that beloved CW series Supernatural was ending after 15 years, fans were crushed. But there's plenty to look forward to before saying goodbye. Here the show's star opens up about the “beautiful” final episodes, his next move, and how he finally got his hands on Baby.

By Emily Tannenbaum

October 14, 2020

Jensen Ackles’s Supernatural journey began and ended with a road trip.

Fifteen years ago Sam and Dean Winchester (played by Jared Padalecki and Ackles, respectively) began their drive across the country in a jet-black 1967 Chevy Impala, hunting monsters, demons, and, eventually, God himself. Ackles was 26 years old at the time (the same age as the James Dean–like figure he portrays on the CW series), single, and coming off a steady career on TV, including a popular role on Days of Our Lives.

The actor is now 42 years old and just finished filming the 15th and final season of Supernatural after the coronavirus pandemic shut down production for several months. To mark the occasion, he did what Dean would do: He took a road trip. But this time things looked a little different and not just because he lacked monster-killing weapons and the iconic Impala.

“It was a sprinter van,” he tells me, back at home in Austin, after driving to the East Coast with his wife, One Tree Hill actor Danneel Harris Ackles, and their three young children. And instead of fighting the forces of evil along the way, he questioned what life might look like without the show that's been a vital part of his identity for a decade and a half.

“I needed to get back home and start figuring things out and start unpacking my life that's been in Vancouver for 15 years,” he says. “What's the next move? Where am I headed next? What interviews am I going to do? Luckily, my wife was like, ‘Stop. Can you just take a breath for a minute and play with your kids on the beach?’”

So he did. But now he’s back, talking to me over Zoom with his new, prized commissioned drawing of Winchester brothers’ smashed-up Impala behind him (a gift from his wife by artist Alessandro Paglia), trying to put into words what it feels like to leave behind a 15-year legacy.

“How have you changed in the last 15 years?” he asks me. Well, I've watched a lot of Supernatural, to be honest.

Existentialism aside, Ackles is clearly ready for his next act, even if the show's massive, fervent fandom—known as the SPN Family—may not be. Back in March 2019, Ackles, Padalecki, and their costar Misha Collins devastated diehards when they announced they'd be ending the series on their own terms after more than 300 episodes. A bit of good news is that fans will still have the conventions that honor the show and cast meet-ups that take place all over the world. Eventually.

“I love how big it's gotten and how we feel like a traveling circus going from town to town,” Ackles says. “Obviously, we'll have to wait until we're all allowed to gather in large crowds again, but I think as soon as we can start going to concerts and festivals and movie theaters, we'll start those back.”

For now Ackles is preparing for his life beyond Dean Winchester, which includes his anticipated role as the first-ever superhero in season three of Amazon Prime Video's The Boys, as well as a new production company he's starting with his wife. He filled me in on all that, how the Supernatural finale changed due to COVID-19 restrictions, and, of course, how he got his hands on the iconic 1967 Chevy Impala—which he drove to Starbucks the morning of our call.

Glamour: I almost don’t know how to ask you how it feels to end a life-changing, 15-year project like Supernatural.

Jensen Ackles: I understand how rare it is and that it's a bit of a unicorn to have a show that runs this long and to be as intensely part of it as I have. I mean, you've got procedural dramas—you know, Law & Order and stuff—but a lot of those casts come and go. To have the same two leads in every single episode for 15 years, I think, is a pretty rare feat. So I'm proud that we did it. That was really the overwhelming feeling when we filmed our last day and our last scene. It wasn't a mourning process; it was more of a proud moment of “Look at what we've done.”

The finale of Supernatural was already planned before COVID hit. Did anything in the last two episodes have to change because of filming restrictions?

We had to drop some ideas we had for the final episode, but it didn't change the story. We were supposed to have a lot of familiar faces come back, and we were going to try to filter them into a montage. It was going to be almost a break from the story and a look at how far we've come—a little tip of the hat to the fans—and we would all be able to celebrate together. Obviously, we couldn't do that. So that part of the finale episode got nixed. But the story and how it ends up, that stayed the same.

You’ve been talking about wanting Dean’s Chevy Impala, Baby, for literally years now. Did you get it?

I've wanted it since the second episode. I was like, “Wait a second. What's going to happen to this car when it's over?” I've been angling to get that car since literally season one. I was thinking, Why wouldn't they give me the car?

Then as the years went on, I thought, Oh, I'm gonna have to fight for this now. So I kept seeing if I could put it in my contract, like for years and years, and the studio, the producers were like, “Don't worry, don't worry about it.” Wink. I was like, “Yeah, you say that now.” So, in my last contract that we had, I didn’t ask for a bigger trailer; I didn’t ask for more money or more time off or anything. I said, “I want the car.”

That car is sitting about 40 feet from me and my garage. I actually drove it to Starbucks this morning and picked up some coffee.

Your wife, Danneel, has been appearing on Supernatural since season 13. Do you two have any plans to continue acting together?

We've got a company now, Chaos Machine, and we're starting to produce things together. So it'll be a more of a producing team as opposed to an on-camera duo. That’s the thing with this industry...you never know where the roads may lead or what’s just around the corner. But she and I love that. And we certainly love a challenge.

You two already run a brewery, Family Business Beer Company, together while raising a seven-year-old and three-year-old twins. How do you work together as husband and wife versus as business partners?

Very similarly actually. Divide and conquer.

Speaking of behind-the-scenes roles...you’ve directed five episodes of Supernatural. Any plans to direct Jared Padalecki's new show, Walker?

I would absolutely love to, but with my new gig on The Boys, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to. We're trying to figure out scheduling.

They're in the midst right now of building my costume for The Boys, which is a custom-built superhero suit. That is way more intense than I anticipated, which is cool. But I have to literally be in L.A., like, every two weeks for the next three months. I think it's six fittings and they're each like three- to four-hour fittings. They're literally molding things to my body, so it's intense.

What will be on your playlist for you to listen to while they mold things to your body?

Actually, funny enough, that was the first thing they asked me. Laura Jean Shannon, the costume designer, she says this is important because every superhero [she’s worked on] has a type of music. So she was like, “What would Soldier Boy listen to?”

To be fair, the first time we see him, it's World War II. So we're talking the ’40s. So we listened to big band and swing the whole first day.

In addition to your new projects, you’ve also been posting a lot about Black Lives Matter this summer—from handing out supplies at a protest to giving over your social media accounts to Black activists and politicians. What have you learned?

Looking at my kids and being a father, I’m thinking, Wow, what kind of world are they gonna have? So I've started to listen a little more and I've started to want to understand other people's experiences so that I can make a better choice about the actions I take. I've gotten pushback—[in the past] even I've looked at actors using their platform to be political and been like, “You know, nobody needs to hear that. Just do your movies and do your show. You're not a politician.”

But I've now learned that, no, you've been given a platform now with social media. And even before that, when you would give an interview to a publication, there's a voice there that is yours and you get to choose how you use that. And I think that's a responsibility that people need to take seriously. So I’ve tried to do it as inclusively as possible.

Before I let you go, please tell me what fans can expect from the final episodes?

I've said a few times that the second-to-last episode really feels like the season finale and that the final episode feels like a series finale. The series finale, episode 20, is this beautiful throwback to the whole show—to what it was, what it has been, and what it is today.

Okay, one more! What’s the creepiest thing that’s happened to you on set, in honor of spooky season?

Anything that's kind of been paranormal or supernatural? I think that they stay away. If that stuff was to happen, it's not going to happen on our set because we've got too many tools to take them down.

If your lore is correct, that is...

Right? That's true. [Laughs.] Oh, it was pepper, not salt? Damn it!

Supernatural airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. E.T. on the CW. This interview has been edited for clarity.

[norahastuff]

The Spn canon approved Dean Cas soundtrack (top five)

Youtube recommended a Destiel fan video to me yesterday, and I ended up losing about 2 hours while repeatedly saying ‘’just one more!’’. It got me to thinking about how the canon scenes didn’t need to be manipulated at all to fit the lyrics or show how romantic they were. Of course they don’t. The show itself has used music and montages to underline Cas and Dean’s relationship since season 7. 

They have done this using songs that fit them so well, that you can track the evolution of their relationship pretty accurately, using just the songs the show has used for them.

1. 7x17 : Turn into Earth, The Yardbirds 

Otherwise known as that time the show created it’s own Destiel fanvideo. Cas returns to Dean, after presumably dying in a Leviathan explosion, only to return with a never again mentioned wife and without his memories, believing himself to be a healer named Emmanuelle. The scene where Cas smites the demons, and in the process recovers his memories, is one of my favourite scenes of the entire series, and part of that is down to the song choice. We don’t hear any of the lyrics, but the melody itself is pitch perfect. The Yardbirds were known for utilising mock Gregorian chant styles in their music and I think that is reflected here. Cas recovering his memories is given an almost religious like quality. And what are almost all Cas’ memories of? A certain broken hearted hunter who carried his trenchcoat around with him for months, hoping against hope that the angel would return to him. The lyrics do somewhat thematically fit, but since we don’t hear them, I see this one as significant mostly for highlighting the importance Dean has in Cas’ life and that they used music to do it effectively, added this as an important tool that could be used in the future in telling Dean and Cas’ story.

2. 8x17 : Goodbye stranger - Supertramp

Here we come to Robbie Thompson, the king of the end of episode montage. The glorious 8x17, in which on his knees, Dean told Cas ‘’I need you’’, and broke his link with Naomi and heaven. Only for Cas to leave anyway, with the angel tablet.. The song that plays over the final moments, focusing first on Dean and then Cas alone on the bus.

‘’Goodbye stranger it's been nice, Hope you find your paradise.

Tried to see your point of view. Hope your dreams will all come true’’

Since purgatory, Dean has been trying so hard to keep Cas with him, yet at every turn Cas keeps leaving. He leaves at the portal, after their one hunter adventure in 8x08, after killing Samandriel and now again after Dean has laid himself, and his feelings, bare to Cas. I think it finally hits Dean that Cas is an angel. He doesn’t understand these human feelings, or at least doesn’t process them, in the same way that Dean does. It’s why he’s so resigned in the finale to Cas closing the gates and returning to heaven and doesn’t try to stop him. He has to say goodbye and ‘’let him find his paradise’’. He can’t be what Dean needs and wants him to be, or respond the right way to Dean’s feelings and declarations. Those are human things Cas would need to be human to understand and well...it’s almost like there’s a narrative playing out or something.

3. 9x18:  The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore - Frankie Valli

Ah fancy meeting you again here Robbie. I felt personally victimized by this episode. From Metatron looking into the camera and telling us to listen to the subtext, to Dean and Cas smiling like idiots in love down the phone at each other over minibar jokes that were not amusing to anybody but them (Sam is here too), to the final montage at the end. 

‘’Loneliness is the coat you wear

A deep shade of blue is always there

The sun ain't gonna shine anymore

The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky

Tears are always clouding your eyes

When you're without love’’

Nope no subtext to be found there. Cas taking off his coat of loneliness, tied to his angelic identity, only to once again put it back on before meeting the angels. Cas’ decision to take in the other angels stolen grace, to give up his human life that he had found a quiet dignity in, was because duty always comes first. Getting the angels home, and fixing heaven is his responsibility. He still feels the responsibility to heaven that he did last season but things are different now. He’s been human, he knows how it feels to be sorry, to enjoy things and to love. He knows how it feels to want these things. And now, after finding the mark of Cain on Dean’s arm, he knows how it feels to be ‘’without love’’.

4. 10x05 - I’ll just wait here then 

Oh boy this song. It so perfectly encapsulates Cas’ emotional arc in regards to Dean in season 10, it almost winds me. It’s so thematically on point.

‘’now you need some rest/ so I will do what’s best I’ll just wait here then/ That’s all I’ll do/ I’ll just wait here then/ I’ll wait for you’’.

It’s not like a couple of episodes ago Cas and Dean had an emotionally mature conversation, making it clear that there are no personal grievances between them, after which Cas told Dean to relax and take some time off. And it’s not like they stay relatively drama free for the rest of the season, only to settle into easy domestic patterns when they do meet. The Mark of Cain stalled any significant emotional progress from occurring in their relationship, and all Cas could really do is wait. I could drone on about how significant this song is for Cas for hours so I’m going to make myself stop and just say, fucking hell Robbie kill me now and have it over and done with already!

5. 13x05: It’s never too late - Steppenwolf

Never mind Robbie, Yockey took up your mantle and finished me off.

This was the culmination of years of subtext. After the emptiness and the pain of their separation, there was no dialogue that could have done their reunion justice, not even ‘’Hello Dean’’. Instead the scene was presented in the classic Destiel language: wordless emotionally charged stares, with a rousing soundtrack saying everything these fuckers can’t/wont. At least not yet. But what does the song tell us:

‘’It's never too late to start all over again

To love the people you caused the pain

And help them learn your name

Oh, no, not too late

It's never too late to start all over again’’

and to hammer it in further:

‘’Tell me who's to say after all is done

And you're finally gone, you won't be back again

You can find a way to change today

You don't have to wait 'til then’’.

Come on! Seriously this song is straight up telling these two to stop dancing around each other. The way they’ve handled their relationship in the past isn’t going to work anymore. It’s not what either of them want. Their reunion is ‘’understated’’ as Jensen called it at the time, because both of them know what the stakes are now, especially Dean. They know what happens when they lose each other, how much this relationship means to them and they want to get it right. Since this was not the end of the story and they’re not going to get to live happy ever after, at least while the show is still running, Dean didn’t quite learn the lesson as well as he should have. There was growth for sure after Cas returned, but they still have a ways to go in regards to communication and just USING THEIR WORDS. Come on boys! I’m rooting for you.

From Cas showing the central role Dean plays in his priorities, to Dean recognising angel Cas couldn’t understand or perhaps reciprocate his feelings the way he needed him too. To a Cas that’s experienced being human realising that angelic life, and a life without love is not something he can be happy with. To Cas’ role being to wait for Dean while he figured his shit out and finally to them both starting to acknowledge that it’s not too late to change the way they’ve been doing things. The highs, the lows, you can get the cliffnotes version of their relationship by charting the music Spn chose to accompany these moments. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that these music choices started appearing in 7x17, the episode from which, at least in my opinion, the show started treating their relationship differently, before veering pretty heavily into the romantic tropes in season 8. Music has a language and power, that sometimes words can’t convey, and remind me - what was that gift that Dean once gave Cas?

[huntertales]

And Then Comes Baby In a Baby Carriage. | S12 Rewrite AU

Pairings: Dean x Reader (Series Rewrite Setting) Word Count: 12,041. Summary: You learn you're pregnant with Dean Winchester's baby. While the news is exciting, the months leading to your due date are anything but smooth for an expecting hunter. (Full description below.) Warnings: Spoilers for season twelve! (Takes place during the timeline of "There's Something about Mary" and "Who We Are.") Mentions of child birth, threats against the reader, canon violence and death.

Part One | Part Two | Drabble | SPN Rewrite Masterlist

Nobody asked for this...but I decided to write a second part to a little story that I wrote about over a month ago. (I wanted this up at Father's Day and I should be working on my current episode rewrite and not this. But oops.) This also kind of goes as a season twelve finale rewrite. I had a bit of inspiration from this particular scene for the plot. I had an extreme amount of fun writing this, but it does contain a lot of spoilers, I'm afraid. And if pregnant type of stories aren't your cup of tea, oh well. I hope you guys enjoy this! (I really did...and it comes with a very happy ending. ^_^)

Supernatural Season Twelve AU: What if the boys managed to kill Dagon with the colt at the playground? What if, as the result, Kelly gives birth to a healthy baby boy and lives to raise the child? Everything goes back to normal, well, the best that it can. Problems still linger with the British Men of Letters after one of their own suffers a fatal end, resulting in dire consequences for revenge. They want every American hunter eliminated. All of them...except for you.

Two months ago you heard the best news of your life; you were expecting, not one, but two little bundles of joy. You were still trying to wrap your head around the idea that you were being given the chance to bring another life into this world. You thought your life would be cut short by the age of thirty due to some hunt that went wrong. But here you were, sitting in a quiet little diner with Dean, staring at the ultrasound pictures of the fetuses that were growing in your stomach. It was the fourth month mark in your pregnancy, and the third doctor’s appointment you and Dean had just wrapped up not too long ago. You waited for Sam to come and meet you, as you had some exciting news to tell him. The doctor said at this point of your pregnancy the fetus has developed a lot of the important features and likes to stretch their tiny limbs and make some very strange faces. And, of course, you could find out the gender of the babies.  

 After wrapping up the doctor's appointment and finding out for yourself the exciting news, you decided to have a little fun for the announcement. You dragged Dean to the nearest toy store to find something that you could use to do a cute little gender reveal for Sam for this exciting moment. You roamed around for a while until you got the perfect shades that matched with the identity of the babies. And after forcing Dean to get them all nicely gift wrapped, you waited for the man to make his way to the diner. He texted you a few minutes ago saying he was almost here, but you were growing antsy for his arrival, wanting to tell him the good news. You distracted yourself for a few more minutes by looking at the pictures when Dean pointed at the funny face baby number two was making. Soon, you found yourself being so caught up in the idea of what the twins were doing, you didn’t realize some of your party arrived without saying a word.

 You glanced up for a moment, feeling like someone's eyes were on you, making you think it was the waitress who had come back to see if you made up your mind yet. Instead you saw a pair of blue eyes staring back at you from across the booth. Somehow, he always managed to sneak up on you without you realizing it, causing you to let out a gasp of surprise and the ultrasound to slip out of your hands and drift to the table.

 “Cas!” You hissed the angel’s name out as you let out a breath. You rested a hand against your chest, feeling your heartbeat slowly drift off to a normal pace when you realized the stranger was just him. After so many years, you thought you would be able to get used to his ability to sneak up on anyone. But you always managed to jump out of your skin every time. “Don’t do that, man.”

 "I thought we agreed you'd give us a heads up on when you were gonna start popping your feathery ass up." Dean said. He reached out a hand to grab the picture from the table as Cas mentioned something about how his phone died. The angel was quicker than the Winchester, he snatched the ultrasound pictures and took a moment to examine them. His eyes squinted slightly as his head turned to try and make out what your babies looked like. Cas made a remark about how uncomfortable Baby Number One was feeling right now. You rolled your eyes and leaned over the table, grabbing the picture from him. "Where's Sam? Thought he was with you."

 “He was. But he was interested in purchasing a few more things at the bookstore.” Cas explained to you. You nodded your head, understanding how much of a nerd Sam could be. The angel looked down at the shopping bag that you had resting on the floor and next to your feet. He took notice there were two small boxes in there, wrapped with a shimmery looking paper and a pale yellow bow to add a bit of decoration. “What’s that?”

 “It's a secret.” You told him. You looked ahead to see that Sam had finally arrived at the diner with a paper bag full of books about lore, you probably guessed. You waved a hand in the air to catch his attention, a smile spread across your lips in anticipation as Sam headed over and took a seat next to Cas. “Well, it’s about time. Dean and I have some exciting news for you both.”

 “You're having triplets?” Sam joked. His brother looked a bit horrified at the thought of having yet another one added to the mix, the thought of twins was a bit nerve wracking in itself. You rolled your eyes and shook your head. “So, how’d the doctor’s go? Everything look okay?”

 “Everything is absolutely perfect. They're healthy and growing right on track. I’m doing well, too. Twins are usually a risky pregnancy, not to mention, I'm not exactly in my twenties anymore. But the doctor said everything should be all right if we keep up with the appointments. Also...I found something that might help us start decorating the nursery." You said. You managed to bend down and grab the bag from the floor. Handing out the wrapped presents, you gave one each to the men sitting across from you. “Uncle Sam and Uncle Cas, you get to find out if we’re having a girl or a boy.”

 “Oh, that's easy. It's—”

“Cas, don't.” Dean warned the angel, stopping him from blabbering it out like it was common knowledge and have you become angry at the hard work you put into these gifts. “I didn't spend the last hour and a half with Y/N strolling around some girly shop to hear you say it. Just open the damn box and find out yourselves.”

Dean pretended to be annoyed at Cas from his attempt at being helpful. But to be honest, he wanted to see his little brother’s reaction to the news. With each appointment and month that passed on the calendar, he was growing more excited at the thought of having children to raise. It wasn’t that long ago each of them were kicking back and talking about leaving a legacy behind for them to do whatever they want. And here it was, actually happening. He leaned back in his seat and draped his arm over the cushioned seat, letting it rest on your shoulder, leading you to scooch yourself closer and rest against him.

The both of you watched as Sam started to open the present, Cas followed behind a moment later. It took a second before the table was covered with ripped wrapping paper and bows. Sam inhaled a quiet breath and took off the top of the box. Peering inside, a smile stretched across his lips as he picked up a small bear, the fur in a pale pink.

“Oh, dude. You're in for…” Sam examined the bear for a moment and looked over at Cas, thinking that you were carrying twin girls. He noticed the angel was holding a stuffed bear that appeared to be almost identical to his, all though, there was a slight difference in the fur. As the angel’s was in the shade of blue. Sam furrowed his brow and looked at the both of you from across the table. It was your turn to smile. “Wait, are you saying—”

“They're having fraternal twins. One boy, one girl.” Cas explained to the younger Winchester, who had known since just last week. But he kept the information to himself, despite offering it as your doctor’s appointment came up. You shook your head and mumbled a thank you to Cas for the very supportive help. The angel didn't realize you were being sarcastic with him. “You're welcome, Y/N.” 

Sam let out a small chuckle from the angel’s awkward behavior that he would never grow tired of hearing be exchanged between you and Cas. He held the bear tighter and looked at looked at it for a moment, a smile began creeping at the ends of his lips again, it was the kind where all of this seemed to be too surreal. He'd always wanted a bit of a normal life, back when he swore off hunting for good, chose all nighters for tests instead of research and the stress of almost dying for a job as a lawyer. But here he sat, almost twelve years later, everything that he'd never thought would happen was coming true. His mother was alive, the bunker turned into a safe haven that almost felt like it was built for all three of you, and he was becoming an uncle. Perhaps life wasn’t so bad anymore. Him and his brother had a true reason to keep on fighting. 

+ + + 

To say your pregnancy was uneventful would have been a lie. You managed to find the colt again, kill a prince of Hell, save Kelly Kline and her unborn child. All while in the process you’d had one fatality: a British Men of Letter. While the events didn't lead in that order, you were forced to being benched out for most of the action, leaving your only sight the walls of the bunker when the boys were out. There wasn't a chance you were going to put yourself in danger, but you were going a bit stir crazy.  But you were finding things seeming to start growing more hectic with each month that you crossed off on the calendar.

Kelly Kline was on top of your priority list to make sure she had a happy ending, you didn't want to see her unborn child get hurt in the process, despite it being the literal spawn of Satan. While she jumped around from town to town, you managed to find her exact location, and a way to save her. You were put under lockdown for safety and thrown back into your old job of research, something you did before hunting with the Winchesters. It took a trip down memory lane before you realized how to save Kelly. 

Her child was a nephilim; half human, half angel. You hadn’t dealt with something like this before, but you would be damned to let the only outcome end in murder. It took a bit of time to figure out an exact plan, but you did it. How did an angel get their wings? From their grace, of course. If you had managed to find her in time and take away the baby’s grace, it might become a human again. While you had found the solution, the outcome was anything but easy. Dagon, a pesky demon that had been keeping Kelly on the run, had posed as a challenge. The boys, Eileen, a hunting buddy you had become friends with just a few years ago, and Mick along with another British Men of Letter hunter had come face to face with Dagon. But it didn’t end with a victory.

It was an accident when Eileen tried saving the day by grabbing the colt and shooting Dagon. Instead, she shot Mick’s partner, almost resulting in her own death after the brainwashing he’d been through from the Men of Letters and their precious code. Thankfully the boys managed to calm Mick down. But that didn't make you let it slide, with your raging hormones, you ripped him a new one when you saw him later that night. 

Dagon was killed just a few weeks ago after that incident. Sam had been the one who put a bullet between the demon’s eyes and saved the day. It was just a few days ago that Kelly gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Jack. You had gotten a few photos from Cas after he decided to stay with Kelly and make sure she was doing all right. While you had put the end of the world to bed, you had more trouble brewing with the British Men of Letters.

Through the process of saving the world once again, you were growing more and more, to the point where you were uncomfortable in your own skin. You couldn't do a task that seemed normal before like putting on your damn shoes before needing some extra help. None of your maternity clothes fit properly anymore, your back hurt all the time, and you ate just about anything that wasn't nailed down. Your last appointment with the doctor was just a few days ago, and he reassured you that everything was going as normal. You should be soon to deliver in the next two weeks or so. Much sooner than you were expecting to hear.

As you gotten into your third and final trimester, you had buckled down on getting the bunker baby ready. The nursery for the babies were almost done; you painted, gotten the best crib money could buy, bought all sorts of clothes the twins would grow through in a few short months and had an army supply of diapers on hand. While you were materialistically ready and had all the books on hand, you were starting to grow nervous with the familiar worries that clogged your head when you couldn't sleep at night and the babies punched and kicked for room. What if you weren’t a good mother? How the hell were you going to raise them in an underground bunker? Were you going to raise them to know about the supernatural? 

Lucky for you, Dean had been nothing been short of supportive. He helped you with the back pain and listened to your every woe and anger when your hormones gotten out of control. He was a bit nervous himself at the idea of fatherhood, but he reassured you everything was going to be okay. But someone that you had been a bit hopeful in being part of your pregnancy wasn’t around for most of it. 

Mary had been growing distant with you ever since she had started working with the British Men of Letters, and when she found out you were pregnant. Everything for her had been a hard pill to swallow since she had been brought back from the dead, learning that her oldest son was about to have twins, making her grandmother—now that was something which took some time for her to process. She tried her hardest over the months to pretend that nothing was wrong. When Mary was around, she was helpful, and actually seemed joyful at the idea of having a little one at her disposal whenever she wanted. You were a bit hopeful that she would come back around, you wanted someone like her around. As she had been a mother of a six month old when she passed. And you wanted to get closer to the mother of your husband and best friend. 

While you and the boys had tried giving her the space she wanted, you were more urgent than ever to find out where she was when things started growing eerily suspicious. It started off when you heard about the mysterious death of Eileen a few weeks after Kelly had given birth. She went back home to Ireland after she killed that snarky Brit. You had known it was just an accident, but she was afraid of the consequences that might have followed her. While you had talked to her just a week and a half ago, you had gotten a call from Jody Mills that Eileen's body was found in the middle of the woods in South Carolina a few nights ago. From the crime scene pictures Jody had sent over unwillingly after the boys had gone down to see it for themselves, it was easy to suspect that Eileen was killed by a hellhound. 

But the pattern didn't start with Eileen, she was just one of the several hunters that seemed to have been dropping like flies. You and Sam called around, talking to other hunters to see what was going on, wondering why people with decades of experience were meeting bloody ends. You couldn't come up with much, but after a trip to the post office, you had gotten a letter from Eileen four days before she was killed, asking if she could bunk with you and the boys after arriving back in the states. She had expressed about how she was scared for her life. She told you that she suspected her phone and computer were being tapped into, the only suspect that she could think of was the British Men of Letters. And the dots connected themselves. 

If they wanted her dead, who’s to say they didn’t want to do the same to the brothers? After all, they had been the reason why she managed to escape. And why Mick didn’t put a bullet in her like how they wanted. You helped the best you could to sweep the place, but from how big your stomach was getting, you quit halfway through and left yourself to relax in the war room. You leaned back in the seat as you watched the boys tear this place part from top to bottom. They searched in every single little crack and overturned whatever object that might appear small enough to sneak a device into. Sam was busy playing around with the radio Dean circled around the table, his hands checking underneath to see if he might find anything besides the loaded gun that was kept for emergencies. All these months the Brits had wanted you on their team, but it seemed they revoked your invitation when you screwed up. 

Dean decided to crouch down on the ground and look underneath to see if he could finding something. And he did from how his face changed ever so quickly into caution when the tips of his fingers ever so lightly brushed against something foreign. You didn't need to see for yourself that he'd found exactly what you had feared. Dean waved a hand at his brother, catching the man’s attention as he pointed a finger at the microphone hidden underneath the table. Sam headed over and took a look for himself. This wasn’t good. Not at all. You subconsciously rested your hands on your stomach as the boys exchanged a look. 

"Those hunters you were talking to, was one of them Terry Marsh?" Dean asked his little brother out of the blue. You furrowed your brow at the man and mouthed what he was doing, he shook his head at you, knowing it'd be better to keep your lips sealed on this one as he gestured for Sam to play along. If they wanted to play games, so could the boys.

"Yeah, Terry Marsh from Missouri.” Sam continued on with the little charade, keeping his anger hidden for a few moments longer, letting the people listening in on your conversation into believing that you were going on with your  life like normal. “I talked to him. He, uh, he's also thinking it's not monsters doing the real killing.” 

"Okay. I got a text from him. He's been nosing around, says he got a fair idea of what's going on." Dean said. His brother wondered what it might have been. "He doesn't feel safe talking on the phone, he wants to meet. The old ironworks on the interstate. Tomorrow night at nine. He says park off the road by the warehouse. I think I’ve got the address written down somewhere.”

Dean gestured a hand at you to grab some paper and a pen. You looked around until you spotted the supplies just across the table. Sliding it over to him, you watched as Dean wasted no time in writing down something before tapping the pen against his message. You leaned over in your seat to read what he had scribbled. “Y/N needs to get out of town. Somewhere safe.” 

It was pretty easy to assume there was an unfair war brewing between the Americans and British hunters from what was going on here. If they were picking off the American hunters, you couldn’t just sit here in the bunker, waiting for them to reveal their full plan. Dean was right you needed to get out of here before things went south. You had two little lives to think about, also. It was going to be tricky to figure out where the boys could send you off for a while until they could figure this situation out. One in particular had popped up into your head. You'd talked to her not that long ago, and things for her seemed completely fine. Full Time sheriff, part time hunter, mother of two wayward girls—and she was only six hours away. 

You reached out and written a name on the paper that came to mind. “Jody?”

+ + + 

The very next day, you and the boys wasted no time in getting the plan into action. You knew it wasn't safe to be around the bunker. It was proven over the past few months that the British Men of Letters could just come and go however they pleased. Dean wanted to drive you down to South Dakota himself to make sure you got there safely. But he wouldn’t make it back in time for the deadline by tonight. And while you thought you would make it on your own, the three of you made a compromise. The boys would trail behind for the first half of the ride to make sure that you weren't being followed before all of you would depart ways.

Jody Mills might be a bit surprised to see you from the last time you met, as you weren't eight and a half months pregnant and asking to crash for a few days, but with the things all of you had been through together, you were sure she wouldn't mind. After all, she was always asking when you and the boys were going to come back down for a visit. You had been wanting to see Claire and Annie again, too. If a cop, a hunter and a vampire couldn’t keep you safe, nothing could. And it wasn’t like you couldn’t pick up a gun and shoot someone if you needed to.

Three and half hours, you were already halfway though Nebraska with no complications. The boys had turned around after you had wrapped up a phone conversation with Sam to let them know, yet again, you were completely fine. One of the blessings of having a car that wasn't made twenty years before you were born was that you had all the bells and whistles of new technology to make a phone call without even lifting a hand from the steering wheel. You made it to the four hour mark and just a little closer to the border when you looked to see how you were doing with gas. You should have been fine for a little while longer. You noticed that you were starting to get dangerous low. Letting out a quiet sigh, you were a bit annoyed at the inconvenience that was going to set you back a few minutes, but it was better than being stranded in the middle of nowhere when you neglected to fill up. 

You were driving through a small town when you pulled into a gas station that was in the direction of your way. You pulled up to one of the pumps and shut off the car, reaching for your bag, you found yourself struggling just a bit with your stomach constantly making you feel out of breath. You persisted on as you got out and paid for a full tank. While waiting, you tried, yet again, to see if you could get ahold of Cas by phoning him after you texted the boys saying you were making a small pit stop. But the angel’s phone rang...and rang, until you gotten the same voicemail. You let out a frustrated sigh and left him another message, telling him to call you back. It was urgent. Rolling your eyes at how out of touch the angel could be with the world, you shoved your phone back into the bag for safekeeping. 

You pulled out your wallet after getting your credit card back from the slot. All though it was a fake card that you had stolen off someone, like you’d been doing for well over a decade, this one of the only forms of money you had, minus the hundred dollars in bills you carried for emergencies. You were about to slip it back into the slot when you accidentally lost your grip on the plastic, letting it slip to the ground. You clenched your fists at what you had done. It was almost impossible for you to bend down and grab anything, you could barely put on shoes without having one of the boys help you. Looking around the gas station parking lot, you realized that you were alone, and running out of options here. You contemplated on heading into the gas station to ask the person behind the counter to help you. But it seemed that you had bystander in the mood to do their act of kindness. 

“Need some help, love?” 

Peering slightly over your shoulder, you looked down at the pavement to see your credit card was gone, but replaced with a pair of spotless oxfords that were too expensive looking to be from this side of town. The accent alone should have been a signal that something was wrong, but ever so slowly, you dragged your gaze up to see the person standing in front of you. The sight of his face alone made your blood run cold as your eyes widened slightly from the sunglasses that you hadn’t taken off since the car ride began. It was enough to conceal your surprise as you quickly reached for the gun that you had in your bag to try and use the only form of protection you had against any sort of threat. But your fingers barely grazed the top of the bag before you felt his hand roughly yank your arm so he could see it. 

You froze directly in your spot when you felt the barrel of Ketch’s gun press against your stomach. The look on his face seemed to have been nothing short of pleasure, he gotten you exactly where he wanted you to. Letting his grip from your arm loose, he tested his luck by reaching out and pushed your sunglasses to the top of your head, wanting to look at you directly in the eye. Maybe he thought you were going to cower in fear. You stared at him directly in the eye. While you had contemplated on screaming, as it was your last card to play, you happened to glance down at his shirt to notice something. There was a small stain on the cuff of his shirt, and with a closer inspection, you noticed the dark color was blood. And you had a feeling it wasn’t his. Looking up to face him again, Ketch’s grinning face of satisfaction was the last thing you saw before you felt a sharp pain in the side of your head, causing your vision to go black. 

+ + + 

You narrowed your eyes slightly on the clock from across the bunker, wondering what time it was, and how long ago your ass had fell asleep after sitting here since getting back. Everything was a bit blurry. Perhaps it would was a small concussion Ketch gave you after bashing your skull in, or maybe they gave you something to keep you compliant. You concentrated hard enough as your vision started to focus again, managing to read the time that it was just a little after midnight. You knew the boys should have been back home around this time after their own adventure. You could hear the lock from the top of the staircase beginning to turn, and a second later, the door opened up with a few pairs of boots descending down the staircase and Dean’s voice echoing through the bunker. 

You moved your eyes away from the wall to stare at the man that was next to you from the corner of your. If you could be quick enough, you might have been able to grab his gun and shoot him in the head. Just because you were eight months pregnant and had your hands tied in front of you didn't mean you were weak. But your thoughts of an escape died when you felt the barrel of Ketch's gun press against the temple of your head, a subtle warning to keep quiet. Even though they wanted you very much alive, for reasons you didn’t understand quite yet, you had a feeling he wouldn’t be too upset if he just shot you to make some kind of point. The longer you had gotten to know him, you had a feeling there was something absent in Ketch’s conscious. 

"Just so we’re clear. You call Ketch and tell him if he wants to see you alive, he gets his prissy ass over here.” 

“Interestingly, his prissy arse is already here.” 

Ketch stepped out from behind the library wall with his other partner, surprising the boys with his appearance that they had partly expecting to see. Sam didn’t back down when he drew out his own gun and pointed it directly at the man. But the Brits were just a few steps ahead of them. Not only did they have a few more men that appeared from each entrance of the bunker, surrounding the Winchesters and their special guest, Toni Bevell. But he had a bit of leverage himself. Ketch took a step over to the side, keeping his gun pointed at the brothers as he outstretched his left arm to the other side of the wall to retrieve something. You could feel yourself being dragged to your feet and into the open. Before anything else could happen, Ketch pressed the barrel of his gun against the side of your head, making sure to the power in his position. 

“Ah, ah. Hands where I can see them, Dean. Wouldn’t want to cut our fun so short for a foolish move.” Ketch warned Dean as he got ready to pull out his gun and shoot the man directly in the head for the stunt he pulled. A smirk spread across his lips at how easy it seemed that he had gotten things. He directed his gaze to his fellow partner and asked her to do the simplist of a task to get this show on the road. “Lady Bevell, would you mind disarming them?” 

Toni seemed all too pleased to do so from the smug little smirk that started to grow on her face. Sam slowly reached his hand away from the gun and tried to offer up his surrender. But you knew these brothers like the back of your hand, they weren’t going to give up so easily because they were surrounded. All it took was just one simple look in the eye before hell broke loose. Toni reached out to grab the gun from Sam, but he managed to overpower her, grabbing his free hand to tightly embrace her into his grip, shooting one of the guards directly in the forehead. Dean was smooth himself, not even having to lift the gun directly out from behind him to shoot another. You could feel a smirk starting to spread across your lips at what they done, but it only lasted for a second before you being thrown behind the wall as Ketch opened fire. 

Gunshots broke out as everyone ducked for cover You were back where you started as Ketch peered over the wall, trying his hardest to get a clear shot at one of the Winchesters when Sam took Toni as a hostage. Everything went silent for a second when everyone regrouped, trying to figure out how to handle this. Ketch waved his gun at one of his men to go on, as an  attempt for a sneak attack neither of the boys would expect, but they knew this place better than them. Dean wasn’t no second in following behind, disappearing from sight. You heard a few more shots go off, Ketch tried to take a hit at Sam, as the other retaliated, trying to keep him busy. While Ketch drew back his fire for a moment to figure out where he could hit Sam next, the younger Winchester knew that he didn't need to do much more work. 

You could always count on Dean for being quiet. You didn't even see him approach yourself until you moved your head just slightly to see his figure come out from the corner of your eye. You watched as he didn't break from his concentration, and like a predator sneaking up on his prey, he went in for the kill. Dean took one step before before he was on his knees, smoothly gliding himself over and snatching the gun right out of Ketch's hands. Now it was Ketch's turn to see how it felt when his own gun was pressed against the back of his head. 

“Get up.” Dean ordered, forcing the man up to his feet. You managed to get yourself to your feet after Dean forced Ketch to untie your hands before pushing him to the small steps that lead to the war room. You pressed a hand against your stomach, feeling the twins kick and punch, obviously, it seemed the both of them had been excited at what had gone down. “You all right, sweetheart?” 

“Fine. I’m fine. They’re just overwhelmed with what’s gone down today.” You said, reassuring the man. You stepped out to the open to see that you might have Toni and Ketch exactly where you wanted them, but you lost count of how many other people you’ve seen come through. “How many more of your goons are in here?” 

Ketch didn’t answer, so Dean tried another question. “Our mom—where is she?!”

All you gotten in return from the man was more silence. But it seemed you gotten your answer when you looked behind Sam to see it was Mary herself, a small smile stretched across your lips at the sight of her once more. She must have known something was going on when she came out from behind Sam with her gun drawn out and pointed it at, who you were presuming, was Ketch. 

"Ah, speak of the Devil." Ketch thought it was smart to make a remark, not seeming to be afraid of the position that he had landed himself in. 

“Perfect timing, Mom.” Sam said, keeping his back to the woman with his own gun still on Ketch. 

“Just stay where you are.” Mary instructed with a calm tone.

Ketch didn't feel like playing fair tonight. He tried his hardest to bend down and grab the gun that was just mere inches from his feet. But Dean was quick to grab a hold of the man and press the gun harder against Ketch's head. "Hey!" Dean warned the man. “You heard her.” 

Mary looked at her son with a calm, almost void expression from what she said next. "I was talkin' to you." 

You furrowed your brow in concern when you looked her way to figure out what had gotten into her. Mary had been gone for weeks at a time, and you given her all the space that you needed to get her to adjust to the twenty-first century. But the woman standing across the way wasn't the same person you had remembered. You were about to ask her what was going on, but the only noise that came out of your mouth was a sharp gasp of surprise when she took another shot, a warning when it was aimed just a foot from where her own son was standing. Dean flinched, not expecting that to happen, but it was enough for Ketch to break free. He managed to snatch the gun out of Dean's hand and grab his own, all before you felt Ketch press the barrel of his gun against the temple of your head and his arm wrapped around your neck, pinning you in place. 

“Hey!” Sam didn’t waste a second in pointing his gun at the man, his face hardening at what he was trying to do. “Ketch, stop.” 

Of course, the man didn’t listen, he had all of you exactly where he wanted. You watched as Mary approached Sam to take the gun out of his hands. And just like that, the tables had been turned on the three of you all over again. You glanced over at Dean to see that he was growing more worried about the outcome of this situation than the anger he once felt before. His mother wasn't herself,  the mother of his children was being held at gunpoint, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

“Mummy was always a talented hunter.” Toni said, stepping away from Sam when she was finally free from his grip. You turned your gaze over to her to give the bitch a deathly glare. She just stared at you with a smug smile, knowing she yet again her plan had been executed exactly as she had planned. “Just somewhat...confused about obeying orders.” 

“What did you do to her?” Dean questioned the both of them. 

“Lady Bevell cleared up that...confusion. And I suspect she told you that the American hunters are a dying breed. Well, for this generation, at least.” Ketch decided that it would be more comfortable by roughly taking ahold of your arm, but keeping the gun close to you as he continued on moving forward to the staircase. You didn’t have a good feeling about this. “You know, I’m not a personal fan of children. They’re messy, scream and whine for attention. And when I heard Mrs. Winchester was carrying two, I have to say, I was a bit disappointed. She could have made a great addition to the British Men of Letters.” 

“You son of a bitch.” Dean nearly growled the insult from what he was hearing. You noticed that he was trying his hardest to remain calm about the situation and figure out a way to get all of you out of this without getting hurt. His eyes wandered to your prominent stomach, you could see the fear glaze over in his eyes at the thought of something happening to you, or worse, the twins. "I swear to God, if you hurt—" 

“Oh, I’m not all that heartless, Mr. Winchester. Y/N is very much good alive to us than dead. She’s harboring something we want very much. Who would've thought there would have been another generation of Winchesters? These twins have hunting in their blood. And their parents are one of the best I’ve seen in the business. I believe they’re destined to become one of us. A hunter.” Ketch explained the true reasoning of why he had wanted to see you alive. They wanted your own children, for the sick idea of raising them to become like him. “We’ll see that Y/N is kept under only the best conditions until her due date. We want these buggers nice and healthy, now.” 

"If you even lay even just one finger on her, or try anything..." Sam spoke very slowly, but there was no caution in his voice as he tightly clenched his fists. "I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you." 

Ketch let out an amused chuckle from the threat that stayed just as words that were supposed to make him terrified. But he wasn't. You could feel the horror of the plan settle into your mind. tried your hardest to somehow fight your grip out from Ketch, but he proved to be stronger, forcing you to take the lead up the staircase. You looked over your shoulder to give the boys a look, perhaps it was an apology for not being careful enough, or maybe it was pure fear from what was going to happen. Sam tried his hardest to remain strong, but Dean, poor Dean was slowly falling to shambles with an expression that could appear cold and hard. But you could see his true feelings in his eyes. As Toni began walking to the staircase, presuming her job was done here, Ketch stopped her before she could take another step by pointing his gun at her. 

“Oh. For heaven’s sake, where do you think you’re going?” Ketch asked his fellow partner. Toni looked at the man with a confused expression, wondering what he was doing. “Remember at Kendrick's, how they taught us that we were all expendable? That wasn’t idle chat.” 

You winced in slight pain when Ketch ushered you again to keep walking by squeezing on your arm again. You knew there was no fighting this, as Ketch kept the gun pressed against you and Mary followed behind with her own finger on the trigger. You gave her a pleading look, somehow trying to figure out if the woman that you had to grown to know over the past year was still there. But there was just a voidness in her eyes, an emptiness of a soul. 

“Mom.” Dean called out to the woman, hoping he could somehow get to her. Mary peered down at her own children from the top of the staircase with each gun pointed at them. Dean wondered what the hell they did to her. And why she was acting like this. “Look at me. It us. Please. What’s wrong with you? Y/N's carrying your own flesh and blood. Your grandchildren. Mom!"

“Your bunker is an excellent fortress.” Ketch said, taking a chance to look around at the interior of the place and admire the details. “An even better tomb.”

“What? No. No, you can’t do this.” You looked over at Mary, somehow hoping if you pleaded with her enough, make her realize what she was about to do was going to end with her own children dying and her grand kids becoming something she never even wanted for her own family. “Mary, please! Snap out of it!”

“She’s long gone, Y/N. Don’t waste your breath on trying to save her. Why not say goodbye to the boys. As it’s the last you’re ever going to see of them. While the three of you were gone we did a bit of an update around the place. We’ve rejiggered the locks, we’ve shut off the water, and once we leave, the pumps that bring in the air shall reverse. Your oxygen should be gone in...two days, maybe three.” Ketch said, giving the boys and Toni a bit of a rundown for what they were ahead for. Your jaw tightened in anger as you tried your hardest to fight off the tears that threatened to escape from what was going on. “You dying in here, it’s almost...poetic.” 

“You're a sick bastard. You know that?” You hissed at him between clenched teeth. “I’m gonna kill you myself first. I’ll make sure of it.”

“I’ll presume that’s the hormones talking. I hear pregnant women always can get a bit fussy before they’re due.” Ketch muttered, brushing your threats like they were nothing. He yanked you forward to the exit of the door, sealing your fate to the nightmare that was ahead for you. “Come along, Mary.”   

This was supposed to be a special moment that you never would have expected to happen for you. It wasn't supposed to turn into a nightmare. You could feel one of the twins kick against the side of your stomach, as if they were wondering what was going on from the sudden activity that was going on they weren't used to. You winced at the sound of Dean pounding on the door to try his hardest at opening it, but when he realizes he was locked in here for good, he yelled on the top of lungs. You pressed a hand against the side of your stomach and quietly shushed your twins, whispering to them that everything was going to be okay. 

+ + +

Three days. It'd been three days since the last you've seen of the boys and thrown into this room with almost no human contact throughout the day. Except for the times where they gave you meals, checked your vitals and made sure you were properly bathed. They wouldn’t want to risk a chance of having the twins get sick or hurt because they were neglecting their prisoner. But you felt more like their prized animal they were grooming for the slaughter. The idea of having them keep you alive until your due date, rip you open and take your own children made a shiver run down your spine from how heartless they could be. Yet, it was funny, seeing a few familiar faces that came through to check your vitals and see how the twins were doing. Not all of them were trained hunters like Toni and Ketch. Most of them were just the brains of the operation. They didn’t even know how to handle an alpha vampire that went rogue. Being six months pregnant and you saved a few of their asses from being sucked dry. And this is how they thanked you. 

Suppose you could have overpowered one of them and held a gun to their head to try and bargain your way out of here. But you didn’t have much energy lately. You were tired, and it wasn’t because you were carrying around a set of twins that were demanding on your body. You suspected they slipped some medication into your God to keep you compliant to their liking. All you did most of the time was just sit here and stare off into space, or sleep. You kept yourself occupied by lying on the bed they provided for you and rubbing patterns into your stomach, telling stories to the twins about their father and uncles of all the crazy things you’d done over the years. It seemed they liked it from the punches and kicks you gotten every once in awhile. Most importantly you told them all of you would be reunited again. 

On the third day you slipped into a deep sleep that brought a dream that felt too real. You weren't pregnant anymore, but instead of being stuck in the British Men of Letters, you were back in the bunker with the boys, and the twins were born. You didn't know what they were going to look like, but they sure were going to be tiny and have little faces squished up. You were calmed at the dream of going throughout the day of taking care of your own children and being with your husband. It still made a smile spread across your lips whenever you said it. You lazily began to twirl the rings on your finger and try to get yourself to doze off again and get back to the comforting fantasy. Your body was starting to grow heavier, and while it seemed like you could snag some more sleep, you were brutally shaken awake from the sounds of footsteps stomping across the hall, and if you were sure, gunshots just a split second later. 

You furrowed your brow in confusion as you slowly got up from the bed and began walking to the door when you wondered what the hell was going on out there. You pressed your ear against the door to try and listen on the chaos that seemed to have been growing outside with each passing second. It seemed something was going on. Your eyes drifted away from the metal door to see the lights on around in the place shut off, engulfing your vision into complete darkness. But the precious seconds that you had made an idea cross your mind. Inhaling a deep breath, you quickly reached out to open the door, thinking the Brits weren't expecting this. Or maybe they were having a bit of a technical issues. Whatever it was, the lock must have been electronically, because when you tried to open it this time, it slipped with ease. You had mere seconds to enjoy this brief victory. The lights kicked back on a second later. Your eyes jumped to the hallway when a hue of red fluorescent lights illuminated the place and a shrilling sounds of an alarm pierces your eardrums for a brief moment before it shut off. It seemed the place was in lock down mode. Someone was here. 

You peered around to see the hall was completely empty, you hesitated to step out and explore the place to see what was going on. Maybe it was a small technical issue…Or maybe someone was trying to break in. Biting your bottom lip, you had a feeling this was too good to be true. There was no way the boys could get out of that bunker. You were on your own for this one. You decided you had nothing to lose anymore. One of those snobby Ivy leagues said you were were very soon, as in you could be here for another week. Or you could start having contractions tonight. They could have easily cut you open and take what they wanted, but to be safe, they were letting nature take its course. Whatever it was, you knew it was better than waiting around like a caged animal. The worse consequences you were going to be faced with was an eye roll from one of the guards before they shoved you back here. 

You began wandering down the hallway to explore what you could, all while making sure to keep yourself quiet as possible. The halls were empty with almost no soul in sight, which was beginning to make you wonder what was going on. Usually this place was crawling with guards. You turned the corner to continue on exploring, but you stopped right in your tracks at what you saw next. It was a gruesome sight you would've never expected to find. Bodies were lying on the floor, a few of them were in uniform, and another one was dressed in flannel. You peered over to see if you could take a look at the face. It was a familiar one. You realized it was someone you hunted with a few times before. An American hunter? You heard footsteps approaching the corner from where you came, and before you could realize it, your hunter instincts kicked in. You were about to grab the gun, but you suddenly reached out a hand to steady yourself on the wall when you felt a dull pain suddenly hit you in the lower abdomen and back. You let out a sharp breath, presuming it was one of the babies fussing around for more room. You shut your eyes and tried to remember that breathing technique Kelly taught you. Sometimes it was normal to have false contractions, the pain started to slowly disappear a few seconds after it started. You tried your hardest to keep yourself on your feet, but you almost forgot someone was coming in your direction. You were expecting it to be a guard, but your eyelids ripped wide open at the familiar voice. 

"Holy…you weren’t joking around. She is pregnant, all right.” You looked over to see a face that you have almost five days ago. But there she stood, Jodie in all of her glory, eyes focused on your stomach that barley was being contained in the shirt you were wearing. Along with a face that you thought you'd never see again standing right next to her. “Thanks for giving me a heads up.” 

“Sorry. If I had it my way, I would’ve told you sooner.” You told her, your hand wrapping around one of the bars that was conveniently behind you. You felt the pain keeping on for a few seconds longer, all before it disappeared. You let out a breath, wondering if that was what you thought it was. “Oh, this isn’t good.”

“What? What’s not good?” Sam nervously asked, approaching you as the man tried to help balance you back to your feet. You let out a quiet laugh as you looked at him with a bit of a smile, giving him a bit of a hint of what it could be. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Now?" 

"Relax, Sammy. This is the first one. If I get one in five minutes, then we should start panicking." You brushed off his concern when he realized you had a contraction. You inhaled a breath as you looked straight down the hall, your mind focusing on something else that was more protective. "If you guys don't mind, I'd like to kick some British ass and get the hell out of here."

 + + +

 It turns out the boys were capable of saving the day this time without your help. While it took a few days, a failed attempt or two, they finally figured out how to get out of the bunker before it was too late. Dean and that stupid grenade launcher was the reason why you were sitting in the Impala with his little brother, driving away from the British Men of Letters bunkers that would be soon in shambles. The boys had decided that if the hunters from across the pond wanted to fight dirty, they needed all the help they could get. They rounded up all the American hunters that were still alive, and even found Mary before she could try and kill Jodie. Unfortunately Dean wasn’t here with his little brother. His leg had gotten pretty busted up after the explosion. And Toni decided she owed the boys a favor. She had a way to reverse the damage that was done to Mary. But it required going deep into her conscious, pulling out the true Mary, and not the killing machine they turned her into. 

You were growing nervous when you arrived back at the bunker. Every single British hunter was dead, except for one. You reassured that Sam you were feeling somewhat fine, the contractions were coming on and off the past half an hour during the drive back. Most of the baby books that you read yourself said that early stages of labor weren't something to stress about. But Sam still wanted you to go the hospital. You promised that you would, but you wanted to get your overnight bag. Not to mention, you wanted to make sure Dean and Mary were all right. The contractions came every half an hour, and after you gotten over the initial shock, you would be fine. It gave you some room to stretch your legs and see the damage done to the bunker after the boys got loose. And make sure Arthur Ketch was dead. 

You wandered through the bunker, taking a shortcut through the garage when the doors were still locked from the outside. You told a little white lie that you would wait when Sam headed inside himself to see how things were going. Part of you was hopeful you would stumble upon the sight of Dean hovering over Ketch's dead body, but when you got closer to the library, your blood ran cold when you heard a noise echo through the air, it sounded like a groan of pain. You didn’t waste a second of following the sight to the library. 

It was there you had saw a terrible fight had broken out; a few tables were broken, shelves were knocked over, and Ketch’s back was turned to you. He was enjoying himself too much of how Dean was lying on the ground in pain. He honestly thought he was going to get out of this with everything he wanted. “Oh, what? Did you honestly think you'd get it all? A wife, a couple of screaming brats. You’d fix Mummy all back to normal and everything would be all right.” Ketch taunted the man as he took a few steps forward to him. “Sorry, Dean. Not how this ends. This ends with me, taking your happiness and destroying it. Your kids are gonna be the best hunters we ever had. Perfect little killing machines. Y/N will turn out exactly like Mary. She’ll join us.” 

“I’m gonna kill you.” Dean hissed at the man as he struggled to get up to his feet. He looked up and gave the man a smirk as he let out a chuckle, trying to use the horrifying thoughts as motivation to strangle the life out of him. But he spotted a piece of wood not too far from where he was lying. Both of the men were bloody and bruised, nearly at the edge of calling defeat, yet each of them had a reason to keep on going. Dean managed to wrap his hands around the wood and push himself to his feet, thinking he was going to win this fight once and for all. He stood tall with a smile spreading across his lips. “When you left us alone in the bunker, told us that plan, man, I knew you were psycho, but I didn’t think you were stupid.” 

“I may be many things…but I’m not stupid.” Ketch said. In the blink of an eye, Dean found himself staring down the barrel of a gun after the man pulled it out from his ankle. He tensed up at the situation that looked grim. Ketch’s lips stretched into a grin as his finger moved to the trigger, but when a gunshot noise echoed through the bunker, it wasn’t from him. 

Dean’s eyes went wide in shock to see that Ketch was hit in the shoulder, wounding the man just enough for him to drop the gun right out of his hands. Both of the men looked over to see who was standing at the other end of the library, holding the smoking gun. It was someone that Dean would never see again, with that big old stomach he thought he’d never to lay his eyes on again. You stood with your hands wrapped around the gun and your finger on the trigger. 

"Y/N?" Dean asked with a quiet tone, disbelief clear in his voice from what he’d witnessed. 

“Eight and half months pregnant and I’m still saving your ass.” You tried to make a joke, but you felt another contraction hit you, marking this closer together from your last one. You flinched in discomfort as you nearly dropped the gun, you managed to recover and concentrate hard enough long enough to keep the gun directly pointing at Ketch. Dean, bloodied and bruised, hobbled over to you, making sure to kick the gun out of the way before Ketch could do something stupid. You looked at the man on his knees who was trying his hardest to keep his shoulder wound from bleeding out. “You know what happens in the wild when animals try to mess with a mother’s babies? They get slaughtered. Every single one of them.” 

“You think you’re better than me, Y/N, but you’re not. You still have a bit of that demon in you that truly never went away. You’re a killer. Both of you are.” Ketch said. “Your children are doomed for the same fate." 

"No," Dean disagreed with the man. "They're not." 

You didn’t waste a second before you pulled the trigger, landing a bullet directly into Ketch’s head, killing him instantly. His body dropped to the floor with a thud, not even  a second later, you dropped the gun, wanting the weapon far away from you as possible. It might have been a stupid move, but you knew damn well every single one of the Brits who had stepped on American soil were dead, and you were once more safe. You looked over at the man standing next to you with a growing smile, all while, he stared at you with initial shock that wouldn't leave his face. Both of you thought you lost one another. You didn't waste a second in letting out a soft laugh when Dean didn't waste a second in pressing his lips against yours, giving you a kiss that was filled with nothing but passion, wanting to show you of how much he missed you in the best possible way. 

You felt yourself being lost in the sensation, almost forgetting about the news you were about to give him that lead you here in the first place. You were quickly reminded when you felt a weird popping sensation hit you down below. Not exactly a contraction, yet it was fairly important. You furrowed your brow into the kiss when you felt something wet start trickling down your legs. As you tried to pull away from Dean, he seemed too lost in wanting to let you go. You mumbled his name as you placed your hands on his chest, making him give you some space. He gave you a worried look, wondering what could be wrong, but when he noticed you were looking down, his gaze followed of where you were looking.  

“Y/N, you didn’t…” Dean looked back up at you, trying his hardest not to sound insensitive as he asked. But you cut him off before he could get the wrong impression.

 “My water broke, you idiot!”

 + + +

 You weren’t the type of person who handled pain well. Whenever you needed stitches or gotten a bullet in you from a hunt that went a bit wrong, it took both of the boys to help you through without clawing their throats out. The birthing process was no exception. You screamed and cursed, threatened everyone that looked at you a bit of a funny expression and regretted thinking having children was a good idea. After sixteen grueling hours in the delivery room, your little bundles of joy were brought into this world. It seemed that you really didn't figure it out that you were about to become a mother until you heard the screams coming from baby number one, a healthy boy. Five minutes later, you pushed out baby number two, a little girl. It took about an hour until things were finally under control. You were in your own private room in the hospital with the twins swaddled in their blankets, eager to meet their parents who fought tooth and nail to make sure they were safe.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Daddy’s got you.” Dean cooed at the whimpering bundle in his arms. You'd never seen Dean so happy in his entire life. He was with you every single step of the way and ignored the concerned nurses who suggested he should get checked out a bit more thoroughly. He would, the man just wanted to hold his children first. He was a bit terrified, thinking that he was going to drop one of them, but the nurse helped so he was holding the both of them comfortably in each arm. He stared at them for the longest time, trying to get the idea that they were really his, that a little part of him was going to be kept in the world. You could feel a smile starting to creep at the end of your lips at how he looked when Dean finally tore his gaze away from the twins when they finally quieted down and gotten comfortable in his embrace. “I think they like me. Can we keep ‘em?” 

“Considering all the trouble they’ve been causing before that even got here, you better.” You glanced over to the doorway of the hospital room to see Sam was standing with a grin of his own, happy to finally be granted access to see his niece and nephew after being shunned to the waiting room for the past several grueling hours without an update. "By the way, look who I found." 

“Cas!” You shouted the angel’s name as a smile spread across your face with joy. You were happy to see that Cas was okay, but it didn't mean you were going to excuse his absence when you needed him the most. “Where the hell have you been? We’ve been trying to get ahold of you.” 

“I’ve been spending my time with Kelly. I knew your due date was soon, so I’ve been trying to learn much as possible from her. She’s been very helpful. And she’s a single mother’s mother, too. A few blogs of mothers that I read had explained how difficult it can be. But she’s doing quite well with Jack.” Cas said, giving you a bit of an update on the woman who had almost given birth to the antichrist. He walked inside the room with Sam, but it seemed he didn’t come empty handed. Your eyebrows raised up when he showed off a bag with a baby themed print all over it. “This is from Kelly. She would have liked to be here, but Jack has been keeping her busy. She says congratulations, and good luck.” 

“Aw, that’s so sweet of her.” You muttered underneath your breath from the gesture. But you didn’t focus on much more of the thoughtful gift, your smile grew wider as you gestured for the men to step father into the room to take a closer look at the twins “Uncle Sam, and Uncle Cas, I’d like you two to first meet your nephew, Robert John Winchester.” 

You and Dean had discussed baby names while you were still pregnant. There were dozens upon dozens of options that you could choose from, but you decided to do what Mary had done to her own children, and named them after your parents. Sam cautiously stepped forward to his nephew and examined the little face that was his family, a second generation Winchester. He seemed a bit hesitant when you told him that he could hold the baby. Dean seemed to like the idea of getting at least one of his hands free from a child as one of them was starting to grow numb. You watched as Sam, very carefully, and awkwardly, tried his hardest to cradle the neck just enough so he wouldn’t hurt his nephew and supported the body just enough.

“Wanna give it a try, Cas?” Dean offered up a chance to hold his daughter. There was going to be plenty of times that he could hold the twins. The angel seemed a bit overwhelmed at the thought of holding the newborn, but before he knew it, Cas was cradling the baby. She fussed around a bit until she gotten comfortable. “See? Ain’t so bad. Both of you are naturals.” 

“So,” Sam looked up from baby Robert and to his niece, who was slowly falling back asleep as Cas slowly began rocking her back and forth, saying how much she liked it when he did it. “You guys pick a name for her yet?”

“Well, it was a bit of a hard decision to make. But Dean and I thought one name was a perfect fit for her. Say hello to Mariella Grace Winchester. She's named after two very strong women in our lives. I think my mom would be happy with the choice. But I still have one more person to ask." You looked over at the hospital room doorway to see Mary was standing there. After everything that had happened, you couldn't hate her. She was brainwashed to do all those terrible things. And she found the strength to come back to reality with Dean's help. She proved herself that she wanted to be apart of your lives. And you couldn't dismiss the chance for her to see her grandchildren, scary as it was for her from the look on her face. "Mary, is it okay?"

The brothers and Cas turned to see that Mary was in fact standing hesitantly in the hallway, not sure if any of you would object of being here. Dean gave her a soft smile, giving the woman a bit of confidence to slowly walk inside and head over to the twins. She hesitantly looked at them from a safe distance, but when you told her it was okay, that she could hold them, you could see the happiness flood into her face. It'd been so long since she could hold a baby. It didn’t take too much convincing until she was sitting down comfortably in the rocking chair and holding her two grandkids. You didn’t think you had ever seen the woman more happier than right now for the past year of her being back than right now. 

“So, mom? What do you say?” Dean asked his mother, a smile of his own spreading across his lips at the sight that he thought would never happen. “Mind if we name our daughter after you?”

"You're serious?" Mary hesitantly wondered, you could see the tears starting to form in her eyes when you nodded your head. She looked down at her grandchildren and let out a quiet laughter, trying her hardest not to make too much movement when Robert started to fuss a bit. “I can’t believe I’m a grandmother. This is…”

“Weird? Tell me about it.” You agreed with her. "Who thought any of this would've happened."

It was funny how life could work for you. Just a few days ago, it felt like there was no way out of this nightmare, your children could have been doomed for a life that you would have done anything to stop. The boys were near the edge of death and Mary was locked in her own head. But here all of you were. Three generations of Winchester's sat in this hospital room. You looked over at Dean when he approached your bed and reached out your left hand, reminding you when his finger grazed over your wedding ring that he was all yours. Your eyes shut for a few seconds when he bent down to give you a soft kiss on the lips. 

Who would've thought that you, considering your past and record of a failed pregnancy before, could be given the chance to bring another pair of human lives into this world. You were married to the man that you loved, his mother was here to stay, and your best friends were right at your side. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad, after all. 

“These kids are gonna have the best parents looking out for them.” Sam said. You looked away from the twins and to the younger Winchester. You could see that he meant it from the bottom of his heart. Even he was a little bit excited of having another Winchester running around the world in the near future. “Don’t ever doubt yourselves for a second.” 

"It also helps that they have an uncle who's going to love them and probably let them get away with just about everything." You said. A quiet laugh escaped you when Sam rolled his eyes at the accusation you were already giving him. You looked over the twins when one of them began to start fussing and quietly crying. 

“I believe Mariella is hungry and Robert is in need of a diaper change.” Cas said, being helpful to help decoding what went on in a baby’s mind. 

“You’re the best, Cas. All of you are.” You said with genuine honesty. “I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to be stuck with.” 

You gave everyone a smile as your gaze wandered over to the twins for one last time. Suddenly, out of randomness, an old rhyme popped into your head. It was one of those old tunes that you would sing on the playground to try and annoy someone. But to you, it couldn't have been anymore perfect to the situation right now. Dean and Y/N sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage...and then comes baby in a baby carriage.

[just-another-busy-fangirl]

😊 idk if someone already sent you one of these numbers, if so, you don't need to answer it again! :) My numbers are: 5, 20, 40, 55, 59, 60 and 66: Do you think Supernatural changed your life? If so, how? For me, it showed me how to deal with my dad's passing (I relate to Dean on so many levels and my sister, she's a hell of a lot like Sam) Thank you so much again, and feel free not to answer if you don't want to! 😚😚

Ah, so many!  Thank you so much!

5 - Which episode makes you cry the most?

Um, I’m a robot and don’t cry.

No, but actually, it really takes something to make me cry, and usually I cry at happy or touching moments, not sad ones.  I can’t think of one off the top of my head, because they’re not episodes or moments that are particularly sad.  I’m weird like that.

20 - Who do you ship Sam with?

UGH EVERYONE.

No, but seriously.  I get serious Wincest feels sometimes, but then how adorable is Sastiel?  And canon Sabriel doesn’t make sense to me, but fanon Sabriel?  Hell yes.

I also have gotten into some Sam x Jess recently, like seriously.  I just think they had such potential to be a power couple, whether Sam was in the supernatural hunting world or not.  

I also wrote a Sam x Rowena fic (out earlier today) that was hot, and a Sam x Jo one that I loved…

Sorry that doesn’t really answer, but oh well.

40 - If you could be any character on the show, would you want to? If so, whom? If not, why?

Yeah, I think I’d like to be in the supernatural world…as a researcher, not a hunter.  Something Charlie or Kevin-esque would be cool.  I like to read.

55 - How long would you survive as a hunter?

I’d like to say that I could survive anything, but let’s be honest.  Not a strong bone in my body. (I am starting a work out routine this summer that might change that tho!)

So probably not long, unless I locked myself in the bunker.

59 - What movies/shows have you watched because of (or by coincidence) Jared, Jensen, or Misha?

Haha so many!  I actually had already seen Misha on some things before I watched SPN, like 24, Nip/Tuck, CSI, NCIS, Monk…but of course I went back and re-watched those episodes once I knew and loved Misha.

Hubby and I have had a two-year date night on Valentine’s Day where we watched My Bloody Valentine…which I bought on iTunes.

Same with Friday the 13th…which I bought on iTunes.

I don’t even like scary movies, y’all!

With Jensen, too, I was an avid Smallville fan, so I had already seen him on those.  Same with Jared on GG - LOVED watching GG back when it was on.  That was on every day at 4 when I got home from school on ABC Family.  Good times.

60 - If you could change just one thing about the series, what would it be?

answered already

66 - Do you think Supernatural changed your life? If so, how?

Definitely.

I suffer from a bit of anxiety, and have always had to find outlets to help me get through my day.  It’s the little things that I’ve incorporated into my life from the show - I wear a SPN bracelet, I have the anti-posession tattoo, I have an SPN playlist on my Spotify that I listen to on my commute, I watch the show constantly and pull up convention panels when I’m down.  I nearly bought a 67 Impala about 6 months ago, had the money together and everything, and only didn’t because my grandma had just given me her car.

It’s become a lifestyle, a positive one, that has made me a happier and all-around less stressed out person.

Thanks!

[huntertales]

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage... | S12 Rewrite AU

Pairings: Dean x Reader (Series Rewrite Setting) Word Count: 8,896. Summery: The boys have been gone for over a month now. But after being reunited once again with the man you love, there’s a surprise waiting for him. Warnings: Spoilers for season eleven and twelve! “First Blood” to be exact. (If you squint just enough, this just might be considered a rewrite.) Mary might be a bit OOC. Also, mentions of pregnancy/miscarriages.

Part Two | Part Thee | Drabble | SPN Rewrite Masterlist

I know what you’re thinking; Shouldn't this be the second part to "Sam, Interrupted" and not some drabble that turned into a monster, Danielle?! Sigh. I'm so far behind on writing/this season in general. But this came out after I have been wondering what might happen in season twelve with the reader in my rewrite series. (As some of my amazing followers sent in some ideas of their own.) You don't need to have read it to enjoy, but since a lot of people seem to like the dynamics between the both of them, I decided to give you guys a treat! Also, "Swamp Meat" rewrite for my lovely Sam girls is in the works, too. ;) For those who want to embark on a fourteen page journey that took me two days to write, enjoy! 

It's been weeks since you've seen them, each second feels more grueling than the last. You sat in the emptiness of the bunker that you've been calling home for the past few years now, but all it feels to you now is a place that makes you uneasy, nothing but silence is your company. There's no sound of boots clomping against the mental staircase or Sam typing on his laptop while he did research for an upcoming hunt. You've tried to think the woman you once thought had been dead would be someone you could find comfort in, as she was losing her children all over again. But you found she was a stranger to you, her attention going to hunting. The only thing she knew after being thrown into this new world. You tried to get yourself to take a few cases yourself, but you just couldn’t get yourself out of the bunker for too long.

You subconsciously played with the rings on your finger, feeling the cold band press against your skin. For a brief moment a smile catches itself on your face when you examine the gold ring, along with the diamond behind it. The two rings had once had a home on a necklace chain, but a short while ago, you found another purpose for them, other than being one of the few things you had left from your mother. She used them almost four decades ago as a symbol of her lifelong commitment to your father when they got married. When you were a child, she would say about how she would soon pass them onto you if you met the right man she approved of to marry her only child.  You would like to think she would have been happy with the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

She'd watched Dean grow up from the moment he was born until he was six years old when you moved away for good. And he was still the same way with you when you were kids. A smart ass, funny, protective over the people he loved, boyishly handsome...and he loved you with every fiber of his being. Despite all the things you had been through with him over the past decade and a half, you were still with him every step of the way. Until death do you part. You thought you would never get a chance at saying that line in its true purpose, as you would never had thought God had been in front of your face so many years ago as the prophet of the Lord, Chuck Shurley. You had been trying to stop the Darkness, Amara was her name, when God himself decided to pop on down. One thing lead to another, it turns out, God had a sister—and he liked to be called Chuck. When there is light, there must be dark.

If you closed your eyes and concentrated enough, you could see the garden you and Dean were married in, by none other than the big man upstairs. He thought after tangling around for years, seeing himself all those years ago of what you’ve done for each other. He figured the both of you needed to push your relationship along to the next level. He decided to just hitch you right then and there. God married you. Who else could say that? And you thought your entire life couldn't get any stranger. Amara's wedding gift was special that went along with the old tradition. Something new came from the start, something borrowed, something blue. But you still needed something old...So, she brought you something from Dean's past that he had longed to see for long as he could remember. And that was his mother.

She was torn away from the Heaven she had been used to for over three decades and put into the future where nothing was the same and her two boys were fully grown. You understood it was scary for her. She was a little fish swimming in territories that she had never seen before. While Mary had been slowly adjusting to the new world, she'd been distant, the woman found hunting as her only pastime, as it was something if she knew since birth. You had only seen her around the bunker only once since the boys had been taken into custody.

The last several weeks had been challenging on all of you. Lucifer, the thorn in your side, had been busy. He decided to have a bit of fun by popping through a few vessels. He had been through a retired rock star, before jumping into one of the most powerful people on the entire planet. The president of the United States. Lucky for you, before he could because any real trouble, the boys and Cas had gotten their hands on something powerful enough to send Lucifer back in the cage where he belonged for good. You didn’t get to see the glorious moment of seeing the Devil go back to where he should have been long ago. You ended up staying at the bunker with this sickness that wouldn’t leave.

Only things didn’t end well after that. The boys had messed up big time, landing themselves in government custody that not even they could try to break out of. Not to mention the real cherry on top of this crappy situation. Lucifer had managed to leave a small bit of him behind on earth. While he was strolling through the president’s skin, he had a bit of fun, as he gotten a woman named Kelly Kline pregnant with his child. If she was looking for good baby names, Damien might work.

You had been staring at the picture of Kelly on your laptop, trying to figure out where a woman like her would run to, when the feeling hit you again like a ton of bricks.You heard the legs of the chair squeak against the library floor as you jumped out of your seat, the feeling in your stomach was growing far worse with each passing second. You pressed a hand against your mouth to keep anything from coming out as you rush for the kitchen, knowing there was a sink in there you could use. You made it just in time when you leaned over the countertop and vomit up your breakfast that you had just an hour ago. You coughed, trying to get out the last bit of it, as you grimaced at the aftertaste of bile in your throat.

"Are you all right?" You heard a voice come from behind you, sending your nerves on edge for a split second, but before you could do anything, you feel another wave hit you. You leaned over the sink again and threw up whatever might have been left in your stomach. You felt the stranger softly brush your hair out of your face as they comfortingly rubbed your back, helping you through the episode that was becoming a daily habit of yours. "Cas, get me a water bottle and a towel—yes, thank you."

You could tell by the voice that it was Mary Winchester who was helping you through this moment of sickness that you had been feeling. She helped you as you tried to stand up straight, but you started to complain about feeling dizzy, so she moved you to the table to sit. You let out a sigh of relief when you weren’t on your feet anymore as you thanked Cas when he handed you a cold water bottle from the fridge and too the towel to wipe your mouth. Mary took a seat next to you as she gave you a warm smile, you could tell she was trying her hardest to pretend everything was normal between the both of you. She was trying her hardest to look at you like a grown woman, and not the little two year old that she would watch play with her oldest son.

"Sorry. I don't know what happened. I must have ate something that was expired or something. Who knows when the last time we cleaned out the fridge. I’ve been so caught up in everything, I must have..." You tried your hardest to make light of the situation as you smiled at the two people sitting in front of you. You thought about how Dean had a habit of never throwing out old food, leading to you getting stuck with food poisoning a few too many times when you decided to eat some leftovers that were well past their expiration date. But the mention of the boys predicament makes you and Mary look at each other with smiles that were growing smaller and smaller.

“Y/N,” Cas spoke up after a moment of silence, you looked over at him to see the angel was staring at you with a concerned expression. He'd been doing that a lot lately since the boys had been gone. But this time it seemed different, there was a bit of confusion thrown into the mix as his brow furrowed while you seen his blue eyes squint slightly. "How long have you been feeling like this?"

“I don’t know. For a while now. It’s been on and off. Some days I’m fine. Other times I can’t go through the day without throwing up at least once. It’s been getting worse the past week” You said, not thinking much of it. You blamed your sudden illness on the stress you had been going through. Between Lucifer’s love child and the boys rotting away somewhere, it was enough to send you over the edge with stresses that you were used to. Yet, at the same time, you were being thrown over the edge. You looked over at Mary and Cas when you realized they had grown awfully quiet. “What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?”

“Y/N, can I ask you a very personal question?” Mary leaned forward in her seat and looked at you straight in the eye. You could see that she was uncomfortable and very scared for what she was about to ask, but you gave her permission as you slowly nodded your head. “When...When did—”

“When did you and Dean last have sex?” Cas came right out with the question, making you choke on the water you had been drinking, not thinking he was going to be so blunt. You put the bottle back down to the table and looked at the angel with a tightly furrowed brow, wondering when he was going to pick up on some human behavior by now. You were about to make a remark to him, something that Cas should have been used to by now, but something in him today showed a side you hadn't seen for a very long time. "Y/N, this is a serious matter. Answer the question.”

"Uh…” You dropped your gaze to the table when you admit the truth with a quiet tone. “When Lucifer left Vince Vincent nothing more than ash and bone. I’m pretty sure.”

You looked away from Mary when you felt a tint of red starting to creep across the apples of your cheeks at how you talked intimate details about her son, your husband. The words in your mind made your stomach twist whenever you thought about it, only in the good way. While it had been a loss for you and the boys when Lucifer slipped away, the night wasn't wasted when you got to the bunker. You and Dean rarely had a chance to yourselves, it was something you had grown used to over the years as the hunting business got more stressful. Yet it only took of him strolling around the bunker in the leather jacket and sunglasses he wore, mocking the industry that was L.A., before you were feeling a bit frisky. You pulled him into the garage where the Impala was, and after shedding the leather jacket, both of you landed in the backseat where you had more than just a make out session that night.

You pressed a hand against your stomach when another wave of nausea threatened to come  over you again. Luckily you felt the feeling slowly dwindle into nothing. “Y/N,” You looked up to see that it was Mary who had spoken up next. She let out a heavy sigh from what was unfolding all at once, the idea to her made her want to vomit herself. “Are you late?”

“Yeah. About two months.” You answered her. Her face dropped slightly at what you said as you remained in the dark, wondering why the both of them were making a matter like this so serious when you thought it wasn’t “It comes every few months. It’s been like this for years.”

“You know, when I was pregnant with Sam, I had the absolute worst morning sickness.” Mary said, slowly trying to say what she was thinking without actually telling you directly of what she thought what could be happening. “It started off a few months into my pregnancy.”

"Wait, you--you think…? Oh, no. No, no, no. That's...that's not possible. I can't be." Your lips stretched into a smile as you began to slowly push yourself up to your feet, knowing you had a leftover test in your bathroom that you kept hidden for emergencies when the other safety precautions failed. You left Cas and Mary in the kitchen as you began heading for that damn test. You were going to prove them wrong, once and for all.

+ + +

You always were an overachiever, every single test you took came out with a plus attached to it. But this was a plus that you weren't expecting to see. It’d been a week since you replaced the emergency test you had kept hidden underneath the bathroom sink. But you used it up again after you ran out of the ones you had bought over a week ago.

Mary had been gone for the past three days on a case after another hunter called one of Dean’s many disposable phones he kept around here. Cas had never left your side for the past week. He lingered over your shoulder and tried to be the company that you had been missing out on for the past five weeks. But you needed to be alone for this. You sat on the edge of the bed you had been sharing with Dean since you moved into the bunker with him, a pregnancy stick wasn’t far from your grip, as it had become a ritual for you. You had taken one every single morning after drinking a glass of water, and each time you had took the test, you had gotten the same result. Cas had been right when he pressed a hand against your stomach and told you right there in the kitchen.

You didn’t believe him at the time. Now you had no choice but come to the conclusion that you never thought you would never have to. The tightness of the pants wasn’t because of overeating. As the morning sickness hadn’t been due to the anxiety of what fate laid for the brothers or some expired leftovers.

You were pregnant.

The idea made you feel dizzy all over again. You had been only pregnant once before, as that was three years ago, while you had been doing the trails to try and close the gates to hell. You had no idea you were carrying Dean’s child at the time, and as the result of pushing yourself to extreme measures, you almost lost your life. Luckily you had made a full recovery, but you lost the baby as the result. You could feel your eyes beginning to glaze over at the thought of Dean, who wasn’t even here right now to help you process this information with you. He was locked up somewhere with Sam, probably being isolated from any sort of human contact. You suddenly felt scared as you started rubbing your stomach in slow circles as the realization hit you like a ton of bricks. You were pregnant. And he was locked up like a wrongful prisoner.

You had faced a lot of scary things in your time; Hell, the cage, Lucifer, turning into a demon for a short while and so many other tragedies that seem like a blur when you thought about it. You and Dean hadn’t had the most standard relationship, either. Both of you had started dating right after being released from hell after you had shared your first, fatal, kiss before being doomed. There was a few rocky moments where you thought neither one of you would make it another year without officially breaking it off or one of you dying for good. But here you were at thirty-four, doing things your old self would have only dreamed about. If someone told you at the age of twenty eight that you would be married and pregnant in seven years, you would laugh right in their faces.

You stretched out your left hand to see that you had two rings on your finger as the other hand held a positive test just to prove it to yourself once again. This was real, this was really happening. A smile began to creep at the end of your lips, the thought of another human being growing inside of you would make anyone joyous. And you were. You were over the moon about this opportunity.

But it was the absence of Dean that made you stop crying in happiness as a sob began to start building up in your throat. This was all too much for you to handle on your own without him here to help figure out what to do.

Before you could let out the noise, it was the sound of your phone ringing that caught your attention. You furrowed your brow and began looking around where you could have put it. Only it took you a second to realize you had left it in the library. You didn't care who was on the phone, they could wait. But then they called again...And again. And again.

Cursing underneath your breath, you pushed yourself to your feet and dropped the test to the bed, knowing you were going to miss out on the call if you let it ring after longer. You jogged through the familiar halls and headed across the wooden floors barefoot, just as you heard it slowly start to go to the last ring, you snagged the phone off the table and hit the button on the screen.

“What do you want?” You asked the caller, in a bit of frustrated tone.

“Hello to you, too, sweetheart.”

The rugged voice on the other line made you freeze in your spot, as it belongs to someone that you had been thinking about not too long ago. You turned your head when you saw Cas come from the kitchen to see what was going on. “Dean?” You asked the caller for clarification. You quickly shift the phone so it’s on speaker so the angel can hear the conversation. “Dean, is that really you?”

“Hey, babe.” Dean greeted you. “Long time.”

"What..." You found yourself speechless for a moment as you pressed your hands against the table, trying to balance yourself as everything came flooding in your system. "What happened to you? Where are you? Is Sam okay?"

“Easy, Nancy Drew. One question at a time.” Dean said. You looked over at Cas as a smile began to creep at the ends of your lips from what was happening. “You wouldn’t believe me, and I have no clue. Uh…”

“Got something.” Sam’s voice echoed in the background, giving you clarification that the younger Winchester was with his brother, safe and sound. For now. “All right, looks like that’s Elk Mountain, which makes that Long’s Peak.”

“Colorado?” You presumed from hearing their location. “Are you guys in Colorado?”

"In Rocky Mountain National Park. Uh, if we head north we should hit State Route Thirty-four." You heard Sam say, coming up with a rough estimate. But it sounded far longer than what they wanted. "Eventually."

“You get that, Y/N?” Dean asked, you confirmed it as you reached out for a pad and paper that had been conveniently lying right next to you to jot it down. “All right, grab Cas and meet us there."

“Wait,” You stopped writing for a second, “where?”

"Just drive along the road and you'll see us there. And Y/N," Dean gave you a warning for the situation that you were about to embark on. You looked at Cas from what you heard. "We're kind of on the clock here."

"Wait, what does that..." But before you could finish asking your question, the line on the other end went dead. You let out a frustrated sigh and ended the call. You didn't waste a second when you started to scroll through your contacts, wondering where a particular one was. "Damn it. I hate this so freaking much. It's one thing after another."

"Y/N, you shouldn't be putting yourself in danger like this." Cas warned you as you pulled out a seat for yourself. "You can't go. You need to be in a stress free environment. That's what all the baby books say."

“What—You know what, I’m not even gonna ask.” You stopped yourself right there from jumping into a conversation that didn't need to be happening right now. You pointed at the phone that Cas had left lying around. "Call Mary. Tell her what's going on. I have an idea, but we’re gonna need some backup for this one."

+ + +

Baby or no baby, it wasn't going to stop you from saving the Winchesters. An hour later, you stepped out from the driver’s side of the car with your angel passenger following behind. You inhaled a deep breath when you saw Mary step out from her car, finding the location that Cas had told her easy enough. The three of you needed to talk, along with the backup that would take your place. Cas was right, you couldn't put yourself in danger. You needed someone that had skill, and wanted to see the Winchesters very much alive. But it seemed from the look that was settling on Mary's face when she slammed the door to her car and began heading forward to you, she didn't seem to share the same ideals as you of who could be trusted.

"This is your idea? The people that almost killed my boys? They're gonna be our backup?" Mary questioned you. You shoved your hands in your jacket pockets as you bit your tongue to refrain yourself from making some sort of snarky remark. You looked over at the two men you had called a few short hours ago, Mick and Ketch. "Suddenly the demon and his mommy doesn't look so bad."

"I don't like them either, believe me." You told her. "But they helped us with Lucifer."

"Lucifer? The Lucifer?" Mick asked you with a bit of surprise. You rolled your eyes and nodded your head. Suddenly you regretted ever putting yourself in this situation. The British Men of Letter had talked a lot of crap about being one of the best hunters around, but it seemed even they hadn't faced a monster quite like the Devil himself. You, however, had tangled with Lucifer too many times. "Wait, so you're telling me what happened in Indianapolis was you took on the bleedin' devil himself?"

"Yes." You answered him.

“Did you win?” Ketch curiously wondered. You narrowed your eyes slightly at him, not sure if he was intentionally being a dick.

"Do you think if the boys didn't, would be be here right now asking for your help?” You asked the other man. Ketch was the taller one of the two men, but there was something about him that was different from Mick. But you couldn't put your finger on it just yet. You still put the distance between the both of them, knowing they weren’t to always be trusted. "The answer is, yet again, yes."

You watched as the men took a moment to look at one another, they were nothing but impressed at the work the Winchesters and Cas were able to do. “Were you with them, Ms. Y/L/N?”

“You can call me Mrs. Winchester if you Brits want to be so formal.” You corrected him, feeling a bit silly as you subconsciously looked over at Mary, who had only been the only woman who held that title. Until you came along. “But, no. I haven't been feeling well.”

“The sniffles keeping you away from playing with the big kids? I’m shocked.” Ketch said with a growing smirk, amused at what he was hearing all at once. It seemed you have provided him with some key information that he could use to update Dean’s file with, that was, if he was quick enough to help you. “Still, bravo work.”

“I’ve danced with the devil far too many times. I’m good. Now, the reason why we're here.” You took the folded piece of paper out from your jacket to get everyone focused again at the most important task right now. “Sam and Dean were taken. We think we can get to them, but I can't go along. And, much as it pains me to say this, we need your help.”

The British Men of Letters were the least of your favorite people right now. If you could somehow trust Crowley and Rowena, maybe you would have gone to them for a bit of help. But you needed someone that wanted the boys alive, despite the first impression you had gotten from them when they decided to kidnap and torture him, you were still waiting for the chance to put a bullet in Toni’s head for the unspeakable thing she did to Sam. That would be for another day. You slipped a hand out of your jacket and subconsciously began to rub your stomach, showing off the rings they had never seen before. While you never wore them out in public, you had accidentally forgotten to take them off. You were expecting some sort of fight about this, the men would only help if you did something for them. But it seemed the Brits weren't cold hearted as you thought.  

“So we’ll help.” Mick offered, no questions asked.

“Really?” Mary seemed surprised herself at how easy it had been for the men to put themselves in danger for her children. “Just like that?”

"Mrs. Winchester—Mary…" Mick corrected himself, reminding himself that she wasn't the only one he could call that now. She was the most skeptical one of all. Cas had agreed with the idea while you were driving here. But it was her that was holding you back. "I came to this country to do one thing—Make friends. But you American hunters, you’re… you’re a different breed than our sort. You’re surly. Suspicious. You don’t play well with others."

"That's rich coming from someone like you." You said, scoffing quietly underneath your breath as you looked at the man. He might have a posh accent and every little detail of his outfit presented flawlessly to present himself with class. But his methods of hunting were far from it. Mick didn't seem all too pleased from your assumption about him. "What? You Brits aren't exactly the friendly kind. Open a history book. You've tried controlling quite a few countries. Us included for a very long time. Not to mention...your partner Toni kidnapped, shot and tortured my best friend." "Well, he is accurate." Cas said, not helping you when he accidentally agreed with Mick. You turned your head to look at the angel, and with a simple look, you told him to keep his mouth shut. "You called me, remember? All of this is your plan. You don’t trust people you don’t know, even when they come bearing gifts. Now I can’t help that, but I can help you. And if word were to get out that we did our part to save Sam and Dean Winchester, well, that’s just good business, innit? And who knows?" Mick gave you a smile, showing off his pearly white teeth as he slipped out an observation he had made. "When all this is over, we might even be friends. I mean, I sure would like to see that little bugger when it comes out." You furrowed your brow from what he said as  placed your palm flat against your stomach, almost as if you were trying to protect it from him. You could have denied everything, but you knew there was no point. "How do you know?" "Asking us for help and not charging in wherever the boys were gave us a sneaky suspicion that something was going on with you. After all," Ketch spoke up. You looked over at the other hunter to see that he was trying to give you a compliment that a hunter would enjoy. But from the way his lips were pressed together, making them appear thin, he seemed more bothered at hearing the news of you carrying. “Nothing stops Y/N Y/L/N from getting what she wants.”

“We think Sam and Dean are being held somewhere in the Rocky Mountain National Forest." You told the men, getting the conversation back on track to the reason why you were here.

"Site 94?" Ketch presumed. You crossed your arms over your chest as he took a step forward to where Mick was, getting himself closer to the three of you as he explained what he knew. "It's a government facility, off books. Shadow ops. One of those places that officially doesn't exist."

Mary looked at the man with a bit of surprise, "Then how do you know about it?"

"We gather information." Mick answered. "It's our job."

"They told us to meet them off State Route 34." Cas added.

"Well, that's a long stretch of road." Ketch said, not finding that bit of information the least bit useful from the slight look that settled on his face. "Where, exactly?"

"I'm not sure." You said, shrugging your shoulders.

"I'll get our techs to put a satellite over the area." Mick said, solving that little problem without breaking a sweat.

"Wait," You raised a brow from what you had heard him say. "You can do that?"

Mick gave you a smirk from your reaction, "And so much more."

You gave him a small smile, finding a blossom of hope starting to spread through your mind at what you were about to do without much of a fight. The British Men of Letters over the months had been a painful subject nobody wanted to discuss. You wanted them far away from you as possible, but they owed you big for what they did to Sam. So you were willing to let them play nice if it meant you could see them once again. You headed back for your car, knowing your job here was done. As you fetched out your keys from your jacket pocket, you headed for the driver's side of your car while Cas was going to hitch a ride with Mary. You were about to open up the door when you stopped in your tracks after hearing Ketch's voice once more.

"Do you have any idea what sort of trouble we're walking into?"

“No.” You said, being honest with the other hunter.

“Oh, good.” Ketch seemed pleased at your answer as he gave you a smile. “I do like a surprise.”

You were about to brush off the man's remark as you opened up the driver's side door, getting ready to slide yourself in and drive back to the bunker. But you stopped for a moment, needing to get something clear before you left Mary with the other hunters. "Hey, Ketch?" You called out to him, grabbing his and Mick's attention before either one of them could hop into their fancy foreign car. "By the way, let's get one thing clear. If anything happens to Mary, Cas or the boys. Or if anyone finds out about my condition, I will personally hunt you both down. I will torture you in ways that you’ve never thought of and make sure you will never be able to have children of your own. Or enjoy the process ever again, for that matter. Do you understand me?"

"Don't worry, Mrs. Winchester. I'll have your husband home safe and sound by tomorrow morning." Ketch reassured you as he gave you a smile to secure his promise. "Now, run along and let us do our job. You have other things to worry about."

+ + +

You listened to everyone when they told you to get some rest. When you got back to the bunker after driving off for over an hour to be safe, you dragged your exhausted body to the bedroom and dropped yourself to the bed. You slept most of the night until the early morning, feeling more rested than you had in a long time. You stared at the ceiling for a little while when you woke up, letting your mind try to wrap around everything that was happening all at once. At any moment Sam and Dean would be home, your life would be back to normal. Well...you felt your hands lift up your shirt to inspect your stomach. There was no more denying that you were pregnant. You could see your stomach was starting to develop a small bump that could pass as a bit of extra skin you needed to work off. You rubbed the skin as a small smile spread across your lips, thinking to yourself that this was really happening.

You had been so caught up in your own personal thoughts as you traced patterns in your stomach you almost didn’t hear the very timid sounds of footsteps echoing through the bunker. It took you less than a few seconds before you were ripping off the sheets from your body and scurrying out to see if your suspicions were true.

You didn't care that your hair was messed up as the clothes from the previous day were wrinkled after you slept in them all night. Following the sounds, you stepped near the tall iron staircase to see a pair of faces that you thought you might never see again. It took only a few seconds before you felt yourself being lifted off the ground and his lips crashing against yours. Dean wasted no time in reuniting himself with the one person he'd been thinking about for weeks, the only thing that kept him sane. You felt yourself letting out a soft noise that sounded like a giggle when he wouldn't put you down. He kept pressing kisses wherever he could get them--your cheeks, eyelids, nose and neck when you managed to put your feet on the ground. You wondered for a moment if Cas had told him, but the angel seemed lost in his own thoughts. You weren't sure what was going on with him, but you refrained yourself from asking as your attention lingered to the younger Winchester. A grin spread across your lips when you nearly jumped into his arms, a sigh of relief escaping your mouth at seeing him in one piece.

“I missed you guys so much.” You admitted to them, enjoying the feeling of Sam’s arms wrapped around your waist as he hugged you, ever so gently. You inhaled a breath, only for your senses to pick up on a few unpleasant smells that you weren’t expecting. Quickly pulling away from the man, you looked at the Winchesters to see they looked like they had been through hell. Both of them were dressed in gray jumpsuits that were caked in mud after traveling through miles of woods. It sure smelled like it, too. “Oh my God. You guys smell horrible.”

"What? I didn't think the car ride was that bad." Dean said. He lifted up part of the sleeve to his jumpsuit to inhale a deep breath, only from the look that came across his face, the man had regretted his previous actions. "Phew! I think you're right about that one. I’m gonna hit the shower and do some much needed R and R.”

You knew this was going to be like ripping off a bandaid, so without letting the process hurt like a bitch, you decided to get it over with once and for all. “Hey, Dean?” You called out the man’s name as your fingers began to tangle together. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Maybe I’ll leave you some hot water, Sammy.” Dean accidentally ignored what you had to say, as he was already halfway across the bunker and heading for the showers. He didn’t hear you when you raised your voice ever so slightly when you spoke his name. “Damn. It feels good to be back.”

“Dean--I need to talk to you.” You spoke loud as possible, your voice echoing off the concrete walls. You inhaled a deep breath when you watched as he turned around in his tracks to face you after he heard the tremor in your voice. “It’s important. Can we speak in private?”

"Y/N, sweetheart, I love you. I do. But I've had a hell of a day. Can whatever you need to tell me just wait twenty minutes?" Dean brushed off your request with one of his own. You could tell he was exhausted from the miles of woods he'd hiked through alone, what he had endured while he had been gone for over a month would be admitted later tonight. You felt yourself become overwhelmed with anger when he turned around to continue on walking, ignoring the most important thing you wanted to tell him at this very moment. "I really need a shower."

“Dean…”

“I told you. Give me--”

"Dammit, Dean--I'm pregnant!"

You could feel the words coming straight out of your mouth without even realizing it. They echoed through the bunker, making everyone stop dead in their tracks, including Dean. You could feel yourself let out a shaky breath as you stood up straight when the man slowly turn around in his spot to look at you directly in the eye. “What did you just say?” He asked you in an eerily calm tone. Dean could put on one of the best poker faces, thanks to growing up in the hunting lifestyle. You could see that he wasn't angry, or surprised. He gave you no indication of what his true reaction was going to be when you told him the news.

"I..." You knew there was going back, so, you forced yourself to say the words one more time. "I'm pregnant, Dean."

Dean, the father of your unborn child, the man that you loved with every single cell in your body, just stood there with a blank expression on his face. You knew a long time ago, when the first apocalypse was near, Dean had longed for a normal life when he was reunited with an old fling, Lisa. She had a son that was around the age from the last time the both of them seen each other, and things sort of spiraled from there. For a few days he started wondering what life might be like if he has a child. But come to find out, Ben wasn't his, yet that didn't stop Dean from trying to be a father figure. You honestly thought his reaction was going to be happy, but he just stared at you.

"Dean?" You heard Sam's voice break the silence that seemed to have choked everyone for a few moments before the younger Winchester found himself back into reality. "You okay?"

You should have waited to tell him about the news, let him get settled into the bunker again after he'd been gone for over a month. But it came out of your mouth before you could stop it. You had played out different scenarios in which you could tell him. Perhaps it would have been cute, giving him a little present, only for it to be the pregnancy test that came out positive. Both of you had talked about having kids when you had the miscarriage. The both of you secretly longed for a bit of a normal life. Along with the attached line--”If only if things were different.” If your life wasn’t constantly being put on the line. Maybe you could consider this a possibility.

You thought he was going to be the one who ran away, partly in fear, and the other part infuriated at how all the precautions the both of you used to fail. But it was you who was the coward here. Suddenly you were overwhelmed all over again at the reality of this. It wasn’t some dream that you were walking through, you wouldn’t wake up to the man you loved in bed, that little ache in your mind of what might be. You heard Dean call out your name in a worried tone, but you ignored him, running to another part of the bunker, needing some time to yourself.

+ + +

It'd been over an hour since the boys had been home. You occupied the library as the brothers got themselves comfortable once more. You had been so caught up in your own drama, you had forgotten for a moment that you weren't the only one carrying. A pang of guilt settled into your mind when you stared at the picture of Kelly Kline, who had been reported missing for the past few weeks. She was pregnant with the literal spawn of Satan. But she was still a human being, part of that baby was of her genes. Would you make her kill the baby? How could you live with yourself to kill another woman's child? You looked away from the laptop screen when you felt a headache started to slowly pound, everything was becoming too much for you to handle.

"Y/N?" You heard a familiar voice speak up, causing you to immediately look up. For a second you thought it was Dean, but the tall body lingering over you was his little brother, in clean flannel and shaved, he came bearing gifts in the form of a cup of coffee for him. And from the smell of the drink he held out for you, it was hot chocolate. Your lips stretched into an appreciative smile as you grabbed the cup from him. He slowly stretched out a free arm and pulled out a chair, waiting for the word for you to tell him to leave, but you nodded your head for him to sit, knowing this conversation had to happen at some point. Both of you sat in silence for a moment or two, neither one of you were sure which topic to discuss. Sam didn't really want to talk about what happened at the facility, you could tell when his eyes wandered down to your stomach. "So...is it true?"

You nodded your head ever so slowly, “The five tests that I took said so. Cas thinks I am. And I've been getting sick at least once a day for the past few weeks."

Sam listened to what you had said. All signs showed that you were carrying something in you. You glanced down at your cup for a moment, contemplating if you wanted to take a drink. It would only be a matter of time until you would hear the words come out of his mouth, about the options you needed to think about. Hunting with a child wasn't possible. Your parents were examples of it. You couldn't hide them from the dangers, it was just how life for people like you was. Sam gave you his honest reaction after the both of you spent a minute in complete silence. Your eyes glanced up to see that he was staring at you, not with a frown, or a sympathetic expression, the man was grinning like a fool. He looked like he'd won the jackpot with his dimples popping out from each cheek. You stared at him with a slightly confused expression, but what he said next was all it took to show you how he felt about this.

"So you’re saying I'm gonna be an uncle? I'm gonna be an uncle." Sam repeated the words, his smile seeming to fade as the realization hit him. He looked like he was in shock himself, but in a good way. " Holy crap. I thought I'd never get a chance to say those words.”

“Congratulations, Sammy.” You said, a small smile creeping across your lips.

The both of you shared a moment of happiness, only it didn’t stop the anxiety that sparked up again when you heard Dean’s boots across the library floors. You clutched the mug tighter around your grip as the oldest Winchester appeared out from the corner of your eye. You turned your head slightly to see that Dean was showered, but he chose to keep the scruff that he had grown over the past month. “Sam, could you give us a few minutes alone?”

Sam nodded his head as he reached for his cup of coffee, but before he left, the man leaned over in his seat and gave your shoulder a tight squeeze, reassuring you that everything was going to be all right. You gave him a small smile as you watched him get up from his seat and disappear from your sight, leaving you and Dean alone to face the truth. You ignored any eye contact that you could as you concentrated on a spot at the table as he sat himself down where his little brother previously was. You prepared yourself for what you were going to say. Inhaling a quiet breath, you gathered all the courage you had left to look at him directly in the eye.

Your mind wouldn’t see how Dean stared at you with a look of happiness, or how his eyes lit up at the idea of having a chance of doing something right with his life. When he started to open his mouth, you were already expecting him to say what you feared Sam was going to. So, you beat him to the punch, and told him how you were going to handle this situation.

"I know what you're going to say. I know this isn't the right time to have a kid with everything that happening to Kelly, and I know people like us don't get a shot at happy endings. We can't raise a baby in this kind of lifestyle. But I don't care." You told him how you felt, not giving the man a single chance to let you know how he felt about this. "I'm having this baby, Dean. With our without your help. I don't care what I have to do—" Before you could finish your thought, you were cut off, by the feeling of Dean's lips pressing themselves against yours. You were taken off guard from what he was doing, you felt the back of his hand press against your neck as his thumb cup your jaw, leaning your head just slightly so he could kiss you with absolute passion. Your eyelids fluttered shut as you felt yourself being taken away for a moment at how he always made you forget about what you were talking about. Whenever the both of you were deep in argument, fighting about how a hunt went, or couple things, he picked up a bad habit of kissing you. Most of the time it resulted him getting lightly smacked on the chest to show your disapproval, but there were moments when you let his actions do all the talking. He lifted himself out of his seat so he could kiss you harder, wanting to show you how much he loved you.

Dean pulled you away after spending what felt like forever kissing you until you were breathless. You quickly opened your eyes when you were able to suck in a deep breath, replenishing your lungs with air. You forgot for a moment what you were talking about, but when Dean reached out and ever so gently pressed his hand against your stomach, you remembered all over again. "Tell me you're not lying, Y/N." Dean whispered to you. You looked up at him to see that he was staring at you, not with anger, but with blissful happiness that you hadn't seen in him for a very, very long time. "Please. I need some good news."

“Y-Yeah.” You said. You slowly placed your hand on top of his, both of you spending a moment of touching your stomach that felt a little bigger from the last time you had seen him. You looked up at him with a smile spreading across your lips, giving him the information that you had been waiting to tell him for over a week now. “We’re having a baby, Dean.”

"Babies." The both of you were taken by surprise when you heard Cas' voice come out from nowhere. You looked up to see that he was standing right next to the both of you, deciding he could just intrude on this special moment. You asked him what the angel meant by the plural, thinking he was kidding with you. "I can hear multiple heartbeats coming from you, Y/N. I believe you're having twins. The baby books that I've read while the boys were gone said the fetus should develop a heartbeat by the eight week mark. Women who are having twins usually develop morning sickness early into the pregnancy. And obviously you're going to show more. Like you are now."

“Were you playing Mr. Mommy while we were gone, Cas?” Dean teased the angel. He didn’t waste a single second when he pushed himself out from the chair and fell to his knees. You let out a quiet laugh when he rested his head against your stomach, making you lean back so he could talk to the little creatures growing in your stomach. The smile on his face alone made you realize Dean was warming up to the idea of having a few little ones on the way. “Hey, there kiddos. Were you causing trouble for your mommy when I was gone?”

“Someone had to look after Y/N while you and Sam were gone.” Cas defended himself. “Like I said, this world needs you...Those babies are going to need their father.”

You were slightly confused at what Cas was saying. It seemed you hadn’t been informed of the conversation that took place right after the angel had killed the reaper, Billie. But that would be for another day. Dean wanted to enjoy this moment for long as he could. “Don’t worry. I’m not leaving Y/N or these little rugrats anytime soon.”

“Who knew.” Sam said. You looked to see that the man had joined the group again to see his brother was taking the news exactly like he had thought. The man wouldn't stop kissing your stomach and whispering about how excited he was to have an offspring of you and him running around. He crossed his arms over his chest and let a smile spread across his lips. “Who knew any of this was going to be possible. These kids are gonna have a weird family, that's for sure.”

“I think they're gonna have the best one.” You said to the younger man with a growing smirk. “An amazing father, a smart uncle that’s probably gonna let them get away with everything. Not to mention, we’ve got Cas. Who's been studying up the past week on the baby books he bought.”

“You may think this is funny now Y/N,” Cas said. “But when your baby comes down with a cold or a diaper rash, I’ll know what to do.” You gave him a smile, not sure what you would have done without him for all these years, or even the last week.

“Oh! We need music. I heard babies like it when you play them music.” Dean jumped up from his spot on the ground when he started talking about needing to get his headphones from his room. You didn’t want to tell him most parents liked to use classical music to make their children smarter, but you knew that wasn’t his intention. “These kids are gonna have the best taste in music before they’re even born.”

You watched as Dean jumped to his feet and headed for his room, leaving the rest of you to sit here with the cat finally out of the bag. You placed your hands on your stomach, finding the habit of rubbing circles into your skin already soothing. As you glanced up at the two men, your lips stretched into a smile, knowing they had picked up on your concern for how Dean was going to handle this. No matter what life threw your way, he was still going to love you, and he was going to be there every step of the way through this new journey of life.