#I’m current rereading it and I completely forgot how DISGUSTING these people are

[weepingjedi]

“Oh, yeah, One Hundred Years of Solitude is one of my fav books of all time, it’s such a beautiful story”

Me while reading One Hundred Years of Solitude:

[rantingfangirl]

Phone Home

Summary: When Arthur’s friends get an idea for a way to find him a date, there’s no stopping them. 

Pairing: UsUk

Arthur prided himself on being one of the saner of the six Kirkland brothers, and would gladly give a three computer files’ worth of evidence should anyone try to question it. He could quickly de-escalate any of their shenanigans- which was the only way those stupid ideas could be labeled. The same, however, could not be said when it came to his friends. Vlad and Lukas were unpredictable, posing as supportive yet content to stay in the background. At least until they got an idea that they couldn't shake off. Which was exactly what was currently happening. The three of them stood on a beach, if you could call it that. Arthur looked down at the gray, muddy sand collapsing under his feet, cringing when it stuck to his shoe. Next to him, Vlad scoffed. “From the look on your face, you might as well have stepped in vomit.” 

Arthur looked at him, his nose starting to ache from being wrinkled. He shook his foot, his toes knocking back and forth between the sides of his boot. The goopy sand swung off his foot, the majority of it finding its way onto his pants. Vlad snickered. He ignored it, scoffing with disgust at the sand as he brushed it off. “What are we doing here, again?” If Vlad wanted him to- “You know why.” Lukas spoke for the first time since they'd arrived, scrawling with spider-like efficiency on college-ruled paper. He clicked the pen closed, sliding its clip in place with the edge of the clipboard. When he spoke again, his voice was matter of fact, and he didn't bother to even glance over to them, scanning over his work. “You know exactly why we're here.” Arthur ignored the first ominous tone in his words. He did, in fact, know why they were there, but he was going drag out the inevitable as much as possible. If only to save himself. “Yes, but-” Gently, ever so slowly, Arthur put his foot back down on the sand, watching as muck engulfed the outer sole of his shoe. “- there's a completely different way we could've done it. And not-” He paused, gesturing to the ocean in front of them. “-this.” Vlad flicked his eyes over to him, his words and smirk mocking. “Yes, but this is more creative.” “It’s more idiotic, that’s what it is.” Vlad feigned mock offense, gaping his mouth open and pressing an open palm to his chest. He knitted his eyebrows together, shaking his head. “And what else could we do? Is there anything you propose?” His voice was in a joking and posh tone, and Arthur couldn't help but smile at it. Arthur took a step back, putting his hands to his hips to stand akimbo. “Anything would've been better than this. Couldn't we have just gone with a dating site? You know, like normal people do?” Lukas paused, slowly turning his head over to Arthur. He frowned, shaking his head. “If we put you on a dating site, you wouldn't get a single match.” “Ouch.” Vlad winced. Then wince then broke into a shit-eating grin, Vlad cocking his head to the side. “Do you think that they would even let him keep his account? You actually have to look somewhat attractive on most of them, you know.” His words were infuriatingly cocky when he spoke, though Arthur made sure than any speck of anger he felt didn't show. Arthur knitted his eyebrows together, lowering his chin and frowning. “Vlad, you look like a Count Chocula Ken doll reject. I don't want to hear it.” Vlad practically squawked, his mouth gaping and his eyes narrowing. He put his hand over his heart, his shoulders caving in an attempt at mock offense. “Don't talk about Count Chocula like that.” “By that, do you mean comparing him to you or to Ken?” “Both.” Arthur couldn't help but smile, breathing out of his nose in a slight laugh. Vlad joined in, his shoulders and stomach shaking in tune with the huffs of breath escaping his mouth. The sight only succeeded in making Arthur laugh harder, even if he tried his best to resist. With the ocean around them, no matter how muddy it was, for a second, Arthur almost forgot about the matter at hand. The key word being “almost”. At that moment, Vlad slipped behind Arthur, sliding his arms to lock under his armpits. Arthur struggled against the grip, jerking his head and shoulders back. Vlad was stronger than he thought. He felt his friend lean in towards his ear, Arthur shoving down the urge to slam his temples into Vlad’s. “Calm down, we’re doing this for-” “Don’t tell me to calm down, you fucker.” A snicker filled his ear, Vlad’s warm breath squandering against the outer shell. “Just accept it, Arthur. The love of your life is waiting for you.” “And you think a message in a glass fucking bottle is going to do anything?” Vlad shrugged. “I saw it as a meme on Instagram. Sounded like a fun idea.” Arthur stilled. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned his head as best he could towards Vlad. Their cheeks just barely touched, Arthur’s eyes narrowing as Vlad’s gripped tightened. “Are you-” 

The scratching stopped. Arthur whipped his head over to Lukas as the latter clicked his pen, shoving it back into his pocket. After a quick proof-read, Lukas thinly rolled the paper, pulling out a glass bottle that looked as if it were straight from a children’s book. That, Arthur realized bitterly, the feeling pooling in his stomach, was what he should've— could've— gone for first. No, that wasn’t it. Arthur shouldn't have agreed to come in the first place. The thought alone snatched his attention, not releasing him until it was too late. Arthur watched as the bottle, a cork stuffed in its neck, flew in a spinning arch towards the ocean. It wasn’t until it slammed into the water with a soft plunk that Vlad’s gripped eased. Arthur ripped himself free, his shoes sinking into the muddy sand. He took several steps towards the water’s edge, stopping just feet away. Arthur sighed. “Go to hell, both of you.” 

Arthur had a headache. The chorus of telephones had yet to cease after several hours, much less quiet down, even with how close the time ticked further and further into the night. Every moment brought another call, each call carrying ten voicemails along with it. Curse those bastards for putting him at the front desk. Sighing, Arthur pulled his bag towards him, rustling around for— there. The bottle. One of the first things he had learned on the job was to carry around a bottle of ibuprofen. It came in handy in most situations, specifically ones he was required to listen in. Intern meetings, phone calls, everything. He popped the cap off, placing it on the edge of his desk as he fished out two pills. Within seconds, the taste of paper filled his mouth, the sourness of it drowning out the pounding in his head. Disgusting. Arthur swallowed with a grimace, sliding the lid back onto the bottle and dropping it in his bag. The roller chair he was sitting on creaked as he did so, the noise loud enough that he was unable to ignore it. In the distance, in the office behind him, a phone rang. Someone walked through the door. They lifted their hand in a reserved wave, not even bothering to look at Arthur, the sounds of their footsteps bouncing off the walls. It was all too much. He had a good thirty minutes before the ibuprofen kicked in, thirty minutes before any sort of relief. Another phone call, cut short and followed by a loud laugh. Fuck. Why did these people have to be so loud. He clenched his fists, his fingernails digging into the— Arthur’s phone buzzed. It rattled against the table, quieting everything around him. Slowly, oh so slowly, he picked it up. His phone lit as soon as he faced it, a green banner floating down to eye-level. It was an international number, that much was certain, but the message itself… that was an issue. It buzzed again as he clicked the message and unlocked his phone. Hey. I’m Alfred. :P Arthur paused, staring at the screen, re-reading the messages over and over again. And again. He went to type out a message before deleting it. It happened several times before he finally managed to type something, finally setting on: Who is this? His phone buzzed again. I told you. I’m Alfred. What’s your name? Arthur clicked his phone off, setting it down on his desk. There was no way. No way that he would give his name to Alfred, if that was really his name. Another buzz. In a spur of the moment action, Arthur grabbed his phone, haphazardly dropping it into his bag and zipping it up. Silence, even just for a few seconds. He returned to his work, checking emails and marking his calendar with upcoming meetings and other dates. Arthur went through email after email, either sending it to the trash or to the archives. All the while, his phone buzzed. Curiosity welled inside of him, clawing at him, gently tugging his attention towards the black messenger bag settled next to his ankles. Arthur pushed the urge away, kicking the bag away. He heard it tip over, his phone— along with some other things, the bottle of pills, pens, etc— tumbling out. Arthur cursed, pushing himself out of his chair, dropping to his knees. His phone flickered to life beside him, revealing the new set of texts waiting for him. Arthur stared at the phone before glancing at his tipped bag, going back and forth, back and forth, between the two. He sighed through his nose. Fuck it. Unlocking his phone, Arthur took no time to look through the messages, which had multiplied quickly in the past few minutes. Awwww, cmon. Dont do this Hiiiiiii Look, I know it sounds a bit creepy, but please!!! Ohhhh wait I know what your name is Hi Arthur :) Arthur froze upon seeing his name on the other side of the screen. He glanced up at the header of the screen, making sure that yes, this was a stranger who yes, had his name. For a split second, Arthur’s thumb grazed the keys before sending himself into action, his message typed out and sent before he had the chance to reread it. How did you get my name? A gray message floated to the top of the empty space. There you are :)) It was on your letter A ball dropped in Arthur’s stomach. There was no way. No way that that stupid little stunt Vlad pulled would have ever come to fruition. What do you mean, my letter? Pushing himself back up on his chair, Arthur kept his eyes glued to the screen, waiting for the three dancing dots to finish. They stopped for a split second before continuing, up and down in quick succession until— finally. It was a video. Arthur clicked on it, revealing a tanned man in a swimsuit. His caramel hair was plastered to his forehead, a cheeky smirk along with it. The video began, the man— who, now Arthur thought about it, was assumingly Alfred— moving his lips. No sound. Arthur groaned before restarting. “Now, Arthur, what we have here—” American, definitely American. If not a given by the accent, with its small twang and bluntness, then by the overall confidence the man— no, Alfred, displayed. “—is a glass bottle. Little sandy, little dirty, but it’s damn sure a bottle.” No. It couldn’t be. No way that thing resurfaced after six years. No way that something like that could’ve gone anywhere. “And, in the bottle, I found this.” Alfred held up the paper that Lukas had written years ago, it's edges set in a permanent roll. “You wanna know what it says?” Alfred unrolled the paper, holding it up as if he were a medieval town crier. “Looking for cute guys. Call me. My name is Arthur. And then there are several smiley faces along with your phone number. Pretty funny, aren’t ya?” Whoever was filming the video laughed, a loud, obnoxious noise that had Alfred joining in. Arthur paused the video. It would’ve been funny, if it weren’t for the fact that he was the one at the butt of the joke. Arthur clenched and unclenched his fists, in and out, counting up to ten and back down. Sick. Lukas and Vlad had sick tastes when it came to humor. His phone buzzed his once more in his hand, Arthur’s attention drifting down to the newest message, right under the video. Call me ;) Arthur saved the video before swiping out of the chat, his message menu displaying rows upon rows of others. He tapped on the group chat he shared with Vlad and Lukas and sent the video. You won’t believe what’s come up. It was something that his friends had forgotten about. For the first few months,they had constantly reminded him about it, but now… Like before, Arthur left the chat, returning to Alfred. He stared at the contact number, re-reading over and over again. Weighing. Balancing. He looked at the back arrow and then back at the number. Back, forth. Back, forth. The number. Arthur pressed the dial button.

[calumcest]

they got so many films out of that bc they kept adding ridiculous stuff like magic (? i think there was some magic in like part 4) and vampires 😅 and amazing i hope you know you have gotten yourself into endless requests of this verse now whenever you post a prompt list 🙃 oh i feel that though like german makes it incredibly difficult to be funny/communicate in general. maybe that's where the stereotype that germans don't have humor comes from. our language fucked it up (1/5)

wondering whether if i put some text before the read more it actually works 

(2/5) KÖNNTE MAN MIR DIE BUTTER REICHEN i'm screaming this is so funny mainly bc it's so true that's such a STRUGGLE like who the fuck thought that was a good idea. i had to write my deutsch abi about this btw we had to discuss whether du/sie should be removed and i never had stronger opinions about a topic so that was fun to write 😅 oooh alright 🙈 but very true since we started talking about the disgusting overuse of verbs in german i keep noticing it and it's just too much.

(3/5) i don't understand that at all i love your accent so much really. maybe particularly bc it sounds a little harsh? idk i like it and i could compliment it for days 😅 your friends apparently don't have taste 🤷‍♀️ & i am very interested to find out what your oma says bc kinesisch has been haunting me ever since i heard it for the first time. also i would love to hear her reaction to you just calling and being like "oma hallo sag mal bitte china"

(4/5) since the acoustic version of stand by me practically slapped me in the face with being so amazing i'll be sure to listen to that live album thank you for educating me about oasis. do you have other oasis recs that are not like the basics? & helen don't play with my feelings like that you don't understand how soft i am for soulmate lashton and how much i miss them. though i saw you said you're feeling a bit uninspired with them which is so scary to me bc of the trauma from your other fics

(5/5) oh i have a question about them tho that i'm sure i could find the answer to if i just reread the fic but then i'd miss them more so: what do ash and luke look like in that verse? bc if i remember correctly (which i'm not sure about forgive me if i'm wrong please) they were originally dating up to the age they are now (so 24/26) and are two years older in present time of the fic? so they could look very differently technically. just wondering if you had specific looks in mind -spoiler twin

HELLO WHAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE VAMPIRES???S DFKJWEFKHBWEHR however i did rediscover my dwk dvds...perhaps i will have to give them a cheeky watch...see if i can actually piece together any of the plot...also skdfjnskhjdf listen germans have such a fucking good sense of humour you just have to undersand it german memes are some of the funniest ive ever seen also something that i cant explain to british people but one of the funniest things germans do meme-wise is when they literally translate english? so when they’ll be like manchmal tut es so sein wie das or something idk why but its SO funny to me also the memes where they deconstruct the words to what they actually mean like this one or this one i dont konw why but they SEND ME 

SDJNFSKJDNF OKAY LISTEN I KNOW i’m so glad you’re on the same page its just so stressful like when i was working at a school last year people would introduce themselves to me by their first name and then still siez me and i’d be like ?!?!?!? this is not what i was taught ?!?!?!? 

omg please...youre so cute i cant believe u like it skdjfbwehbf my abrasive little south london accent has rights with one person on the planet and that is good enough for me <3 also i will literally ask her the next time i speak to her if she says kina i’m actually going to disown her so stay tuned for possible family drama

OKAY!! i have a lot of oasis recs let me make a separate post so you can see ok this is the playlist that started off intending to be a britpop playlist but just devolved into oasis/noel/liam so theres a few non-oasis songs on here but i have categorised them all for you also the slide away acoustic is so good isnt it!!! other favourites off that album are half the world away acoustic there is a light and importance of being idle acoustic too but honestly all of it is brilliant noel can do no wrong in my eyes 

okay listen i actually wrote another chapter of soulmate au but i hate it i’m trying to work up the courage to look over it so i can edit it into something thats acceptable to post but just know there is another chapter out there fear not <3 also that is actually a good question i hadnt really put too much thought into it i think ashton looks like current ashton in my head iirc he has got the black hair i think in the first restaurant scene i imagined him as that pictureo f him in the lace shirt and luke just looks like current luke all i ever think about is their hair sjdkfnwkhefb luke has curly hair and ashtons in black hair mode thats all i can tell u i apologise i have no brain cells or creativity