#I’m also just kindof proud of the first drawing so I thought it would be nice to share

[worldofbalance]

not feeling up to making digital art at the moment. take these crude etchings of an unfashionable nature.

[zoslittlefish2]

Killers and Deep Closets

CH 8: The Rescue

Wattpad

This is my first fic, and it's based on the World created within my favorite Sanders Sides ask blogs, @ask-creativitwins , @ask-the-left-brains , @ask-the-sanders-dads , and @ask-remy-and-picani. Fish is Deciet and Remus's child (kindof-).

WARNING (theres a lot this chapter): lots of descriptions of violence, blood, weapons, lots of screaming and crying, stabbing, mentions of scars from torture, whipping.

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Roman and Remus happened to know someone in town who would be able to provide them with outfits, and soon they were all dressed for the ball. Remus, Roman, Deceit, and Remy were all wearing masks to help make them less recognizable. Virgil was wearing elaborate makeup as well, per his request. Logan switched his usual glasses to a more whimsical pair.

For the most part, they all wore similar suits, with embellishments to help set them apart and make themselves recognizable to the others in the group. Romans had the most gold and silver accents, with a red vest. His brother was similar, sticking with mostly silver accents and an emerald green bowtie. Everyone found it odd, but Deceit had opted to ditch the hat, fearing that he would be more recognizable if he wore it. The rest of his outfit was similar to his normal one, just a little fancier. Virgil had trouble leaving his hoodie behind, but Roman promised that it would be returned to him once everything was over. Logan's was the simplest, a simple black suit with a navy shirt underneath, and a light blue tie. Once everyone was ready, they set out for the castle.

Having already been on the path to the castle before, remy leads the way. Remus and wasn't far behind him, quickly catching up to him. Remy glanced over before nudging him gently.

"How are you holding up?" He asked, receiving a shrug in response.

"I'm nervous... I really hope that we aren't wrong about this. If we are, this could get messy fast." he says, and Remy nods.  Their conversation is cut short when they approach the gates. They get into the ball without any issues, and Remy holds back how impressed he is with the grand room. Everyone immediately separates, Remy deciding to stay closer to Logan while Remus and Deceit go in one direction and Roman and Virgil another.

Remy doesn't realize how nervous he is, until Logan places a hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring look. He takes a deep breath and continues keeping an eye out for Fish. Suddenly a bell sound comes from the front of the room, drawing everyone's attention.

"Now introducing, Baroness Magnolia and her heir, Lairde Iasc."

Remus and Dee happened to be closest to the front of the room. Remus growled quietly when Magnolia came out wearing an extravagant black dress. They both gasped when the next figure walked through the door, and Remus almost ran over right then, and there had Dee not grabbed his arm.

Fish had on a long red dress, with long sleeves and hair pulled into a low bun. The part that made Deceit almost cry out was when they turned and revealed the low back of the dress. From where they were standing, they could see the long marks on their back from the lashings they've received, not yet scarred over. Dee let out a shaky breath, his grip on Remus's arms tightening.

Fish turned to face the rest of the room, eyes closed. After a moment, they open them, revealing their bright red eyes. Based on the quiet, distant growl he heard, Dee could guess that Roman was reacting similarly to Remus. If Remus could kill someone with his stare, the Dragon Witch would have been dead ten times over. Not to say that Deceit wasn't furious too, but no one had long to dwell on their thoughts as Magnolia spoke.

"Good evening, my friends. Tonight is an extraordinary night, in that i have finally chosen an heir. I present you, your future leader, Lairde Iasc!" they exclaim, and the room erupts in applause as Fish Curtsies to the crowd. Once the room quiets down again, the witch continued.

"Now, 6 of you have been chosen to assist in the official coronation. Guards, grab those who have been chosen, and escort everyone else out of the castle," she says with a smirk.

Suddenly grabbed by the arm, Remus quickly looks around to find that the others had also been 'chosen,' and he silently cursed, realizing that they had fallen for her trap. His arms were tied together behind him, as the others received a similar treatment. They were all dragged to the middle of the room once all of the guests had left, and were forced to their knees. Throughout all of this, Fish seemed to be calm, as though they didn't know who they were. This broke Remus's heart more than it already was.

Deceit wasn't too surprised about the coronation being a trap, but that didn't make this any more pleasant. He looked down the line to find that Remus and Roman were baring their teeth at the witch, while Virgil and Remy were attempting and failing to hide the fact that they were terrified. Logan was hard to read, but Dee had a feeling he was berating himself for falling for this. Dee looked up, but instead of looking at the witch, he looked past her and at Fish.

Fish's bright red eyes stared right back, lacking any sort of recognition. Something in Dee seemed to break as his shoulders sank. 'Are they really gone?... Are we too late?' He couldn't help but think. His attention was pulled away as the Dragon Witch spoke, now realizing she had moved closer.

"Now, who should go first..." she said, walking down the line. She stopped when she got to Deceit, and grinned down at him, causing his blood to run cold.

"You. Bring him forward and bring me the dagger," she commanded, turning on her heel and walking back toward Fish. Deceit was suddenly pulled to his feet and shoved roughly forward, Remus immediately fighting against the guards in an attempt to get to him. Dee managed to look back at him and flashed a reassuring smile, causing Remus to sink in his panic. Deceit was shoved to his knees again in front of the witch, who bent down and took off his mask and tossed it aside.

A servant ran forward, holding a dagger with an intricate, emerald green handle. Magnolia picked it up carefully, and held it for a moment, before turning toward Fish.

"Lady Iasc, you are to take this dagger and kill this man however you please." Fish takes the dagger and walks slowly over to Deceit. Remus was screaming, begging for the guards to let him go, to take Dee’s place. The others are yelling as well, Roman fighting against his bonds just as much as Remus.  

Fish looked away from Deceit and scanned the line of people. When their eyes landed on the sobbing Remus, their eyes widened slightly, almost as though they were afraid, not of Remus but just... afraid. Deceit saw this, and this gave him a little bit of hope that their kid was still there. He decided to try something and prayed it would work. Fish's attention was ripped from Remus as Dee started to talk.

"My little sea star..." he started, "You are so strong, and I am so proud of you, little one, and i wish that we had been a little faster in getting to you. No matter what happens, I want you to know that none of it is, was, or ever will be your fault. I love you, sweetheart. Do what you need to. No one will blame you." He gives them a small, forgiving, and accepting smile and closes his eyes.

Fish stares at him for a moment, before raising the dagger to cut across his chest. Remus started sobbing harder, realizing he was unable to stop this. Everything seemed to stop for a moment before Fish moved rapidly.

Dee stayed still, with his eyes closed, waiting for the pain. When He heard a chorus of gasps behind him, he tentatively opened his eyes, his breath catching at what he saw.

Instead of striking Deceit, Fish had turned and threw the knife at the Dragon Witch, but at this close of a range, it was hard to aim, and ended up hitting the wall beside her. Everything was still again before the witch stalked forward in rage. At the same time, Logan jumped up, taking the guard holding him down out, having undone the bindings on his wrist. He quickly took out Romans as well, and the rest of the guards scattered. Logan undid the bindings on the others after releasing Roman, while the latter ran forward.

"YOU INSOLENT CHILD!" the witch screamed, stalking forward and grabbing onto Fish harshly. She threw them towards the wall, and pulled a whip out from behind her back, flicking her wrist toward them. They shielded their face and braced for the impact, but it never came. They opened their eyes and saw Roman standing in front of them, tight hold on the whip. Magnolia yanked on the whip, sending him sprawling to the floor. He quickly rolled away to avoid being hit by the whip as Remus ran over and undid the bandages holding Dee’s arms before preparing to help his brother.

Roman glanced at Fish before returning his gaze to the witch, drawing his sword. "Go to Logan Remy and Virgil, Fish. Now." Fish stared for a moment, before starting toward the three, basically collapsing into Logan when they got there, the others quickly surrounding them protectively

Deceit didn't go far, opting to summon a staff and start circling the witch with the twins. With a flick of her wrist, she had slammed Roman and Deceit into the walls, and for a minute or two, both were unconscious. Remus was also tossed aside but was able to stay awake. he stood on unsteady legs, having lost his morning star, he didn't have anything to protect himself when the Dragon Witch pulled the emerald dagger out of the wall and approached him. he closed his eyes as she prepared to stab him

Fish was watching from the side, and when the witch in front of Remus with the dagger, everything slowed down. they don't remember standing, but they knew they were moving toward Remus as fast as possible. They knew the others were shouting at them, but all they could think is that they had to help. they moved between the witch and Remus, and pain Blossomed in their stomach, their eyes widen when they realize what happened. the witch pulls the knife away again, and Fish stumbles before the world falls away, hearing their papa call out for them.

~~~~~~~~

"FISH NO!" Remy shouted when they had suddenly stood up, sprinting toward Remus. They all tried to grab them, barely missing them. Everything seemed to freeze when the witch thrusted the dagger forward and Fish got in between.

Remus heard the shouting and opened his eyes in time to see Fish slide in front of them, but before he could say anything, the dagger had been pulled away and they had started collapsing.

"FISH!"

He moved quickly, catching them before they hit the floor. It was like the world was crashing down on him as he held them, desperately trying to get them to wake up. Deceit and Roman stirred, and stood, holding their heads. Roman was the first to look up to see the Dragon witch standing over Remus and Fish, dagger raised. He rushed forward and blocked the blade with his sword, and faced the Dragon witch on his own. When Dee looked up, it was like someone had punched him, air leaving him as he sprinted toward them, sliding to his knees next to them.

As soon as he had snapped out of the shock of what had happened, Logan ran forward with Virgil and Remy in tow. Logan tried to coax remus to let go of Fish enough that he could help them, while Virgil picked up Remus's morning star. Remy picked up Dee's staff, and they looked at each other, nodding before running over to help Roman. Between the three of them, the dragon witch wouldnt be waking up for a long time.

Remus was finally able to let Logan help Fish, and Logan did what he could. Without bandages, he ended up using a part of their dress to try and seal the wound. When the others Were finished, Virgil pulling Roman off of the witch, Logan looked up at them.

"We need to get back as soon as possible. Is there any way to move the entrance to the imagination here, or at least closer? " he asked, and Roman thought for a moment.

"I can't move it in here, but i can move it to just outside the castle gates. that's as close as i can get it," he explained, and Logan nodded.

"do it."

Roman closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment. He looks exhausted when he opens them again, and Virgil moves to support him as he begins to sway.

"all... Alright, it's there..."Logan gives him a small smile.

"thank you. Now lets- whats the-- oh yes i believe its 'Let's blow this popsicle stand' is the right phrase." this made Virgil snicker a little and nod.

"yup. let's get outta here."

Remus carefully picks Fish up, and Logan leads the way, while Roman takes the rear. They quickly made their way through the castle. The door was exactly where Roman said it would be, and Virgil held the door for everyone. Roman took one more look at the castle, before following everyone else through the door.

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JESUS CHRIST. Alright, they've got Fish! See yall next chapter! Love y'all!

[victakestaipei]

WEEK 3 RECAP: 9 min mile, SZA, and The Red Poop Scare

This week was not very eventful. Sorry to say folks, but it’s not going to be exciting all the time right? You have to have boring/uneventful days to balance out the exciting ones. I guess it makes you appreciate them more... But regardless of this fact, I still am going to write about the week due to the fact that I’m trying to stay consistent and make blogging feel like a habit/hobby, rather than a chore (at times). If you keep reading and get to the end of this post, you the GOAT!

Monday: 

I was super exhausted this morning from the long weekend (visiting Longdong and Fulong)... I didn’t want to get out of bed and it took all of my strength to get up and climb down the ladder from my bunk bed. I also was still recovering from the first real sunburn I’d had in years, so pulling on my sports bra and t-shirt this morning was definitely a wake up call. In class we had our third test of the course. It was definitely harder than the previous two, but I still think I did well. Class dragged on harder and slower than ever before... I found myself counting down the minutes until 1:10pm.. and it seems like I wasn’t the only one hehe

At the gym it was floor day/abs. So I did mostly floor work with a matt. The weight lifting area of the gym is pretty small so usually when I use a matt I take it outside of the weight lifting room and do my sets in the hallway/foyer. But, there is no air conditioning out here so I find myself dripping sweat onto the matt and it’s just a mess.�� ALSO!! I actually ran a mile today, in 9 minutes! That was my goal cut off time and I made it by the skin of my teeth. So I ran the 1.6 kilometers in 9 minutes... Not too shabby from last week ;)

For lunch Bunny and I grabbed potstickers to go (I got the curry flavor) and hopped on the bus to head home. We didn't feel like sitting and having lunch because we are still recovering from the weekend and were super tired. After I got home I hopped on FaceTime and caught up with Karis and some other loved ones. I wanted to take a nap, but I figured it might be better to just stay up so that I can sleep real good when I finally hit the hay. For dinner Bunny made rice, scrambled eggs, and we picked up some fried chicken from the food stand place by our dorm. I had bought a dozen eggs the weekend before in the grocery store, and they were going to go bad soon so we had to figure out what we were going to do with them. It turned out to be a really good dinner. I finished my blog post about Fulong today, and also did some personal journaling of my own before starting my homework. Today was a bit of a moody/emotional day, and I'm not sure why. But it feels good to write. It always feels good to write...

Tuesday: 

So as it turns out, I got a 97% on my test from yesterday!!! Feelin’ good. Feelin’ like a smarty pants. We also had a written quiz today too on the dialogue. I got a 94% on that. I’m really starting to get the hang of writing traditional, and I’m actually glad I chose Taiwan as my study abroad destination, so that I could learn both forms of written Mandarin. I know it’ll pay off in the long run when I’m making dem big bucks! Hehe (kidding)... ((kindof)).

In the gym I ran another 9 min mile. It was also leg day (my favorite)!!... When I got home I bought my SZA ticket. I AM SO EXCITED YOU ALL HAVE NO IDEA. I have been listening to this woman for years now and she’s finally getting the recognition she deserves and I’m so happy for her :-’) I’ll be seeing her with Poirshea in Sacramento in September. Can't wait. Gonna die of excitement!!! P and I really bond over SZA and love her to death and I’m so glad we’re going to experience her music live together. Twin bonding at it’s finest. 

I miss you Twin!!! 

Sza is so adorable I just can’t!!!! Ugh. 

Anways, for lunch the three of us went back to the soy sauce braised place, and filled up on udon noodles, veggies and tofu. I got it a bit spicier than last time.. and it was really really good. WAYY better than last time! For dinner I was still pretty full off of lunch, so Bunny and I went to the street market around 10:30pm to get some fruit and egg scallion pancakes. I NEED to learn how to make these pancakes at home because they're so dang good. I will make them everyday for every meal. BOMB.COM. Egg scallion pancakes are basically green onions, eggs, and dough in pancake form... sounds odd, but man is it tasty!

Wednesday: 

Today I jumped up out the bed at 9:52am like I was just ressurected from the dead. And for those of you who don’t know, my class starts at 10:20am. Bunny was still knocked out when I was startled out of bed.. so we found ourselves throwing on clothes and rushing out the door. We ran to the bus stop, and was only about 10 min late to our class. Thankfully our teacher wasn't upset or anything... But right after we arrived we had a quiz waiting on us at the do’

I’m not sure about my grade yet, but I don’t think I did so well. I was drawing a lot of blanks because I was still frazzled from rushing this morning. After class we got something small to eat before the gym because at this point it's 1:30pm and I'm starVING!!! At the gym I did a really really quick back day, because there’s a class that meets in the gym at 2:20 on Mon/Wed/Fri so usually I have to do short workouts on those days. 

After the gym we headed to a fruit stand to get mango smoothies and dragon fruit... *REMEMBER THIS* 

I wasn't super hungry because of the food I had before the gym. And then we went home, did homework, took a nap, and watched netflix. At around 9 Bunny and I went to get potstickers at the place by our dorm. That place is the best ever. 

Thursday: 

This morning we actually woke up on time. We were even able to gnab some bread at the local bakery before class. I usually pair my morning bread with a tea of sorts... I’ve been drinking alot of green tea lately, and I really really love the green tea infused with passionfruit. So so good. But, I’ve come to find out on days that I don’t have any tea or milk tea, I get massive massive caffeine headaches. I used to get them alot when I would stop drinking coffee after a few days... But I didn’t think this would still happen to me because the caffeine amount in green tea is so much smaller... who knows. But nonetheless, the tea is worth it!!! 

We had a quiz in class today, and before the end of the three hour period, she sprang a test on us right there at the end. She did this because alot of us (4 out of the 9) will be absent tomorrow due to travel. There’s another student in our class (the Swiss guy) who’s going to Seoul, South Korea this weekend, and he left midway through our class. And then the three of us (Bunny, Nick, and I) leave for the Philippines tonight at like 2am.

Also in class I got called Beyoncé more than I wanted to... Our teacher first brought up Shakira, and asked us if we all have heard of her before (which obviously we have), but she just learned of this Columbian singer’s existence and was tickled/excited to share the news. She then brought up Beyonce and drew the conclusion that I look strikingly similar to the superstar mother of three. I can admit it is quite the compliment, but Lord knows she only thinks this because we are both lightskin, tall women. Hooray for racial insensitivity!!!

At the gym it was leg day once again (it’s Thursday, duh!). I ended up running a 8:40 mile! I definitely shaved off some seconds. SO Proud. Drenched in sweat!

For lunch we went back to that Malaysian place with the sweet lady who showed us pictures of her 8month old grandson. I love her. I ordered the hot/sour Chicken with potato wedges... so incredibly bomb. 

Bunny and I went home after lunch and packed for our trip to the Philippines this weekend, as well as napped. I went to the bathroom and had the fright of a LIFETIME. Which brings me to the “Red Poop Scare” segment of this blog post.... 

I have had problems pooping regularly since I’ve gotten here, I think partly due to my change in diet and stress levels... but nonethless it has only just started to get more regular/consistent. So just IMAGINE my shock when I went to handle my business and my poop was RED!!! I’m talking BRIGHT RED/MAGENTA!!! I thought I was dying!!! Blood in my stool??? Can you IMAGINE!!! I would have had to find a doctor here in Taiwan and omg the HORROR. But when I was handling my business there was no pain or strain or anything... so it was also pretty confusing. After I went back into the room and talked to my roommate I realized that I had DRAGONFRUIT YESTERDAY!!! Which is conveniently the same exact color as my poop. So that was exciting and a relief to realize. It was only that color because of the fruit I had the previous day. THANK YOU JESUS I AM ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND IT WAS NOT BLOOD. 

....I’ve come to realize that maybe this segment of the blog is a bit TMI... but I also told myself that if I’m going to blog, It’s going to be as open and honest and transparent as possible.. everyone has poop probs am I right??? 

Anyway,

We also did a quick run to the night market before taking the MRT to the airport. At the night market we got some more food to eat because we knew the journey to get to Philippines would be long. We were to land at 4am. And we left to the airport around 10:15pm. It takes about 45-hour to get to the airport, plus we wanted to allow enough time to check in, go through security, etc before our plane departed at 1:45am.

Here’s some pics of the wanton/noodles I bought and the really really good burger I had at the Night Market.. THE BURGER MIGHT BE BETTER THAN IN-N-OUT DONT @ ME

I’ll come back with another post about the Philippines!

until then, xoxo

[angstidote]

Hello. I am back, somewhat anyway (part time?). I needed to take some time to detox from tumblr because, as I discovered when I pulled back for a moment, I was spending a solid 6+ hours a day on it. And that’s not an exaggeration…it was even interfering with my day job. Even after logging out, my fingers kept clicking the hot-bar button, until I had to remove it completely. Then, the time it freed up… so. much.. free… time... .. . … .

Not healthy. Not balanced.

So I spent the time I gained reflecting on some things that haven’t felt so great for me, starting with some pre-verbal patterns related to fear and self-esteem, and then getting derailed by the disappearance of one of my cats. The latter brought up a lot of fear around not knowing what happened to him, guilt around feeling like I should have been able to protect him somehow, and anger with humanity in general (even though, rationally, I don’t know if a human is even responsible). More than anything the last month and a half has been a painful reminder of how little control I really have, since I guess I tend to forget it. I can predict and therefore steer so many things in a predictable way...

Anyway…it’s not something I’m proud of by any means. No one likes to face that they’re being manipulative and arrogant, but better to put it out where I can see it.

I’ve also been reflecting a lot on negative messages I’ve been accidentally sending myself. For a year or two now I’ve had it in my head that I’m supposed to be different than I am, that the way my brain and body work should have changed more than it has, and…I’ve been really running myself ragged and causing myself a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, basically by telling myself that I need to do more than I’m probably capable of.

I was talking to my teacher about how painful it is physically for me to be with people because other people’s psychic energy is just so overwhelming and invasive. There is no mood that can be hidden from me. I feel intention so no matter what someone’s mouth and body say, I have an instinctual and physical understanding of what was intended. And this is really helpful for understanding and working with people, but it’s also taxing as fuck and downright awful sometimes.

I once went to a Buddhist temple for an overnight vigil in Kyoto where I ended up talking to a Reiki practitioner who offered to help correct something…a headache maybe? I warned her I was sensitive to that kind of thing but she assured me it would be fine so I said hell yeah then, ‘cause I mean free Reiki, but no exaggerating, like 10 seconds into it I fucking fainted and had to spend the entire night recovering alone in the monks’ quarters.

So anyway, I was asking my teacher for advice on how not to get overwhelmed, only to have her start in on psychic barriers. And I got kindof irritated because I know how to do that—as well as can be done in my case—what I wanted to know was how to take them down but not be overwhelmed. She kept telling me that I’m an exceptionally sensitive person and that, as a result, I need more time in silence than most, but I was like, angry about this even though it’s the truth. Angry at myself.

It pisses me off that I can’t stay perfectly calm and tranquil when I’m with others because it makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong, which is what I was actually trying to ask her. “What am I doing wrong?” Because I’ve been studying myself in this situation for like 2 years now!! I’m not telling myself anything negative about my capabilities, I’m not assuming anything not situation-specific about the people I’m with, I’m not scared of anything that I can figure out, and I’m not believing in any particular thing about anyone. But, if I don’t keep some kind of barrier up (which kinda necessarily feels like holding a defensive stance and therefore is not completely relaxed), I feel like I’m just hemorrhaging energy.

What it comes down to, as I told her, is that I feel like I shouldn’t have limits like this. Her reply to this was to laugh at me and say, “Yeah…no. We all have limits when in physical form.”

And I mean…I guess I never thought about that seriously.

I mean, I know that I if I do certain things I’ll die, and that my brain just ain’t wired to do math, but over the last few years, if there’s only one thing I’ve learned it’s the vital importance of not simply accepting things as they’re perceived. Whatever the mind says should be considered but, like, always with a grain of salt so…I guess I’ve just reached a point where I don’t trust that limits are real, even for my own body…except that in this case, in response, my body is telling me that I’m an idiot.

I know that, as a person with asthma, there are limits to what I can do physically without an inhaler, so why I think this should be different, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because there’s an emotional component to the energy exchange? But over the last two years I’ve become increasingly focused on this particular limit because no matter what I try I can’t seem to overcome it. No depth of self-inquiry, no length or purity of meditation, and no trial-by-fire will fix this issue AND IT’S BEEN MAKING ME PSYCHOTIC.

Imma be real, it’s been seriously poisoning the very peace of mind I’m fighting so hard to maintain in the first place.

When I first moved to Japan last year to try and BURN THIS WEAKNESS OUT OF MYSELF Natalie said to me, “You’re like a healer-class character who doesn’t know how to ration her mana.” And although she was talking about a different situation, I have found myself remembering this time after time after time, and I think that this is yet another situation that metaphor applies to.

If I sit back and look at this objectively, having the ability to instantly know what another person is feeling is an insanely useful skill, but yeah, it’s never gonna benefit me in huge groups of people because there’s no chance I’m not gonna get burned out or overwhelmed.

I’m sure that it’s as Lissa said, that my purpose is not to expand out in every direction infinitely, but to figure out how to best use my resources, whatever they are, to their highest potential. It’s in this way that I’ll become able to elevate the world around me, not by becoming all things to all people…which is impossible, yet is what I’ve been thinking I have to do.

This would also account for why I’ve been feeling so unsure of myself and what direction to move in. I feel like my subconscious has been staring down the barrel of having to do the impossible, and has become paralyzed as a result.

Of course, the current political climate isn’t exactly uplifting either... Everyone around me is depressed and stressed out and, basically, that means that I’m depressed and stressed out so long as I’m in the same room they are (or if I make the mistake of reading the news). But while I certainly don’t plan to bury my head in the sand, truthfully there’s not a lot I can do about much of it right now. When there’s something I can do I know my friends will draw attention to it, and otherwise…I legitimately think it might be better for me if I shift my focus somewhat, away from the things that are filling me with angst and back to the things that have allowed me to feel loving and optimistic.

I mean, the things you allow yourself to ruminate on are the things that have the most power over you, and the only person who can ruin my peace of mind over an extended period of time is me, so I need to shift my attention away from the past and the things I can’t help, and focus on the things I can.

I’ve been painting a little lately, thanks to Laura. She’s been encouraging and reminding me that art is meant to be finished then left behind, rather than infinitely planned then belatedly picked apart until it’s dead, which is what I do with everything I produce presently. I also signed up for a write-a-book-in-6-weeks kind of writing course to help give me a little more direction and some artificial deadlines.

I know I have the ability to lift people up rather than drag them down, myself included, and I’m going to try and take a dose, and stay a dose, of my tumblr namesake.

[indarknessborn]

Violin journal week 1

I was never one to care very much about music. Everyone is so obsessed with bands and "music is life" is the common mantra. And I never related to that or understood that. I liked music okay, but not like that. Music used to really bother me actually, as weird as that sounds. If I listened for too long it would make my inner ear feel weird and then my throat would kinda close up and I'd get anxious and kinda nauseous. Like sensory overload maybe? I'm not sure. I still get it occasionally but only with certain frequencies or certain styles of music. It's definitely not as bad anymore. But because of that I'd go months without listening to music, and when I did I preferred to listen to songs I already knew well so there'd be no surprises. And no one around me could understand that. I was always the weird kid who never knew any bands or anything lol. It took a long time for me to start enjoying music and seeking out new music and wanting to create some myself. But even then nothing compares to how I am right now. I guess it was last week when I had this crazy dream, where I could play any instrument I touched. And it wasn't just by magic either. I had an intimate understanding of how instruments worked and I could easily play new things by drawing from the knowledge of how to play other things. Like if I knew to play one string I could play all strings, or if I knew one wind I could play all winds. Even if I wasn't perfect at it at first I could figure out the difference fairly easily by listening. There was this one vivid part about playing the trombone of all things. I've never even touched one before but suddenly I feel like I know what I'm doing. How to buzz my lips and how far out to stop the slide for different notes. Really bizarre. I never knew that instruments were so connected like that either. It wasn't until I told someone about the dream where they were like.... "Yeah that's how it really is? Knowing instruments helps learning new ones be much easier." That shocked me. All this time I thought you had to have specific instruction for each individual instrument that you wanted to play. But then suddenly it makes sense, in the ancient past when instruments were created, there were no classes and lessons on how to play them. Just like blowing in a glass bottle to make a sound is something that you can naturally discover without instruction, instruments were made and created to be accessible. So that people could make beautiful sounds. They didn't start off as this high bar where you have to have a lot of money and a lot of practice in order to use it. And I realized suddenly that instruments didn't have to be difficult at all. That they were tools to help you, not intimidating skills that take great talent to utilize. Then later that week I had a... Vision? Day dream? I'm not sure what to call it. It honestly felt like recalling a memory. I was upset about something and wanted to be away from people, so I went behind what I guess is a school building where it was just grass and trees and where people wouldn't have much reason to wander into. And I started playing violin there by myself. Just with my eyes closed and letting my emotions ride the music like a wave. And it was so cathartic and powerful, especially combined with that dream I had, that it was all I could think about that entire week. I had to dig out my keyboard cause if I couldn't play at least *something* I'd go mad. I could really use something like that in my life. A way to express my emotions sounds so nice. So with these potent thoughts on my mind I've been looking a lot at violins and especially the electric side of it cause there's so many cool things you can do with it. And I decided that I was determined to learn. I did a lot of research on what violin I wanted and found this beautiful black one that can be played both acoustically and electrically and has great reviews. I got excited and planned to start saving up to buy it eventually. But then a group of my beloved friends decided that they'd all pitch in and buy it for me for Christmas. I tried to tell them no, it's too expensive, maybe just donate a bit towards it and let me pay for the rest, but they won't listen. I'm trying to not get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out. But gosh I'm so excited. In the mean time I've decided to go ahead and start learning. I borrowed a friend's violin and found a fairly inexpensive tutor who I can schedule lessons with on demand so that I can adjust the length and frequency of the lessons based on my finances. So it's much more flexible and works better with my situation. Tuesday was my first day of violin class. It is significantly harder than I expected but I welcome the challenge. The most difficult part for me seems to be holding the correct positions. Like how the hell are my fingers supposed to hold the bow this way... I'll get it eventually I'll just have to practice until it feels natural. I've also discovered I have to wear my glasses or contacts when playing. It's strange for me cause usually I only wear my glasses to drive cause my vision really isn't bad. But when my teacher told me to put my bow on the D string I was having double vision. I asked her "how do I put my bow on it when it's lower than the other strings?" She just kindof looked at me like "um...... It's..... not?" Haha woops. Got easier to see it with glasses though but contacts would definitely be better. I'll have to buy more when I have money. Class went really well though. My teacher actually asked for my pronouns (whoa) and she said she wants to cater the lessons to my goals and the styles I want to play. I'm really excited about that especially because I'm hopefully getting an electric violin for Christmas and want to play edgier things eventually. Also my teacher literally was like "you're picking this up pretty quickly for your first lesson, do you have any musical background?" Which. I kindof? Do? But definitely not very much. Not like she meant it. Like at the start of the lesson she was telling me there was this tape she could give me that you put on the neck for beginners that shows where the notes are. Since a violin doesn't have frets so you just have to guess the distances. So it's like a little cheat sheet until you learn it. But by the end of the lesson she refused to give it to me. She was like "no you don't need it you can hear the notes. You're fine." Like bitch!! What!! Give me the tape!! But admittedly I'm a little proud of myself. She says I have a good ear cause I corrected myself a couple times without her having to tell me. Wednesday I practiced for the first time and discovered that my violin mute doesn't actually mute for shit. So I played outside on my porch to not disturb the room mates with my horrible beginner sound. I hopefully have a better mute coming in soon so I can practice in the middle of the night like I tend towards. The weather was really nice outside though since it's finally getting cool again, and I had a lot of fun playing, even if it was just mindless drills and fighting my muscles to obey the proper positions. I am slowly but surely getting better at figuring out how much pressure to use when bowing notes. There's a delicate balance and I keep fucking it up on accident. But after 2 hours of practice it's sounding much better than when I started. And I can now sort of play twinkle little star. Even though technically I'm not supposed to have learned those notes yet. I got bored of drills and wanted to actually play something so I learned it haha. Hopefully I'll build up calluses soon, I destroyed my finger tips after so long of a practice session. Worth it though. Thursday I was sick so I spent most of my day inside and didn't get to practice even though I really wanted to. I've started watching Your Lie In April since I've had literally 5 or more people suggest it to me at this point. It's really good so I can see why everyone kept bringing it up. Both the main characters are really relatable. I actually love the girl and I'm usually pretty picky about female characters. But man my favorite part is how she plays. I swear I was falling asleep while watching and then she started playing for the first time and the next thing I know I'm sitting up leaning towards the screen fully transfixed. Like sure I expected her to be good or whatever but I expected it to sound like some overly perfect studio recording. The way she plays is so full of emotion. And the way she just kindof says fuck the rules and plays it her way and so full of passion... I was moved and so excited that I wasn't even sleepy anymore. I aspire to have that sort of effect on people with my playing. I want to pour my emotions into my violin so that everyone can hear. I have to keep working at it!