#I’m also going on holiday in like two weeks which is nice

[gatheryepens]

So I’ve kind of been MIA…….so I thought I’d give some updates on my life

[puckinghischier]

Choices

Jack Hughes x fem!reader

summary: jack proves that he will always choose reader, no matter what anyone has to say

notes: so, the first part of this is literally my favorite thing i’ve ever written. the ending? meh. i don’t hate it, but i definitely think it could have been done better, i just struggle so hard with endings 😭. i also lowkey don’t like the title, but literally couldn’t think of a different one. anyways, i hope you enjoy!! happy reading! 🫶🏼

can be read as a part 2 to this fic, but can also be read by itself

request: Could you write something with Jack getting defensive/choosing her? Maybe he gets cornered by an ex flame or someone about what makes reader so special to get him to commit to a serious relationship when he didn't with her

[6.7k]

“Are you sure I don’t need to dress up tonight? I know you said they’re just some old family friends, but I want to make a good impression,” you question Jack, standing in front of the full-length mirror propped against the wall.

You’re wearing a pale, yellow sundress with daisies imprinted all across the fabric. Jack insisted the Lawsons were just old friends of the family, having owned the house down the street since he was just a kid.

Since meeting Jack’s family last year, you’ve been his plus one to every single trip he’s made home. At thanksgiving he brought you home for a quick, two day trip to meet his grandparents and a few pairs of aunts and uncles, before having to fly out again because of his game schedule. Around Christmas the two of you split your time, spending the actual holiday with your family, then flying to meet Jack’s family for New Year’s activities, where you met several cousins and old school friends of Jack’s.

This year, you’re celebrating the Fourth of July in Michigan, finally getting to experience the infamous Hughes lake house. Jack was able to convince you to spend an entire month here at the large house, telling you the trip was for the Fourth festivities, but suggesting you leave a few weeks beforehand, wanting you to get the full lake house experience.

You had spent your days switching between joining his family on the large pontoon boat sitting at the end of their dock and going out on adventures with Jack alone on the pair of Jet skis Quinn had bought after his first paycheck came in during his rookie year. A few nights a week, Jack would tell you to put on something nice, showing you around the small town a few miles away from the house, taking you to each of his favorite childhood spots for dinner.

One night he had told you to put on the nicest dress you brought, then proceeded to take you to an old, beach themed bar. He sat across from you at the high top table in a collared shirt and khakis, the rest of the patrons around you in their bathing suit cover ups or shorts and t-shirts.

You scolded him, telling him you two looked like fools in there, all dressed up to eat fried seafood. He laughed, telling you the only fool in the room was him, because he was “foolishly and wholly in love with you.” You rolled your eyes at his mushy-ness, a blush making its way to your cheeks at the same time.

That memory, however, is the reason you no longer trust Jack when he tells you to either dress up or dress down for dinners. Including tonight.

“I promise, you don’t have to dress up. You could wear your bathing suit for all I care,” he calls out from the bathroom where he’s ‘fixing’ his hair, which usually means brushing it and then ruffling it around with his hands. “I mean, mom might not be too happy if you’re sitting at the dinner table in just a bikini, but I’d sure enjoy the show.”

You scoff at his words, turning to go and stand in the doorway of the ensuite, crossing your arms.

“I’m being serious, J. I want to make a good impression on these people. They’re really good friends of your parents. Your mom was telling me how you all used to spend almost the entire summer together, constantly over at one another’s houses for dinner and fire talks,” you remember how excited Ellen was to be having her friends over for dinner tonight, claiming she hadn’t seen them in years because of how busy their lives had gotten.

Ellen also mentioned they had a daughter around your and Jack’s age who was in with her parents for the summer. Her name is Sarah and she’s a department director of some big advertisement company in New York. She stopped coming around as often around the same time Jack got drafted to the Devils, according to Ellen. Her job being too demanding for her to make the trip every summer.

You were excited to meet yet another person that knew Jack as a kid. You were hoping to rope a few stories out of her over the course of dinner, wanting to know as much as you can about Jack’s childhood from those around him. Sometimes you really hate the fact that you haven’t known Jack his whole life. You count yourself one of the luckiest people alive to be able to share his life with him now, but you’re always picturing him growing up, wanting to know every detail of what makes Jack, Jack.

Quinn and Luke are always eager to tell you anything you want to know about Jack, from the time he wanted to be “TP man” for Halloween and proceeded to wrap his entire body in toilet paper, wearing the empty rolls on his hands, to the time he wanted to ask his eighth-grade crush out on a date, but instead blurted out that he had to go home to massage their dad’s feet.

You always enjoyed hearing stories about him from people that weren’t his mischievous brothers, though. Like when his grandma told you about the time she got home to see that Jack had rearranged her kitchen cabinets, placing everything he saw her use on a regular basis closer to where she could reach it after watching her drop her favorite mug while trying to put it away on the second highest shelf that morning. Or when his best friend from high school told you about the time Jack gave him a ride home from practice, stopping in to say hello to his parents when Jack heard his little sister crying in her room because she couldn’t figure out her math homework. Jack stayed over for nearly two hours to help the little girl with her multiplication table and gave her words of encouragement the entire time.

You knew Jack was someone special, his calming energy easing your nerves from the first time you ever spoke to him. Hearing the stories that confirm he’s been this way his whole life, from the people that have known him far longer than you, though, makes you burst with so much love for the man you think your heart might actually explode one day.

“And I’m being serious, Sunshine, what you’re wearing is fine and won’t change the fact that they’re going to absolutely love you, just like everyone else does,” Jack walks over to stand in front of you.

You uncross your arms, letting them fall to your sides. Jack reaches down and takes each one of your hands into his, stepping forward slightly.

“I just…I care about how the people that know you view me. It’s important to me that the people important to you know that I love you, not that I’m just trying to ride on the back of some hot shot hockey player,” you whisper, referencing a blog post you were sent by one of your coworkers back in Jersey, asking if the girl in the picture was, in fact, you sitting on Jack’s lap in a crowded bar you went to for a post-game celebration.

The post talked about how you had been seen with Jack at a few games and were seen leaving several bars with him over the course of a few weeks early into your relationship. The blog site was a silly, hockey gossip blog, more concerned about who the players were sleeping with than any of the games themselves, but the accusation made your heart sink nonetheless. You knew you were with Jack for no reason other than you love him and he makes you feel safe, comfortable, and loved. Jack knows you’re not with him for his money, and anyone close to him knows you’re not with him for his money or fame.

He could quit hockey tomorrow and it wouldn’t change even an ounce of your feelings towards him. With or without hockey, he’s still your Jack. The Jack that makes you honey lavender tea every night because he knows it helps you sleep. The Jack that somehow manages to bring you flowers after every home game, no matter how late it is. The Jack that insisted you move in with him after your lease ended because his apartment is closer to your new job, but really because he was tired of not coming home to you every night. The Jack that showed up to your graduation this spring, bringing nearly his whole team and his family, the group cheering so loud when you walked across the stage everyone in attendance laughed, the person handing you your diploma commenting “sounds like you have a few fans out there.”

Even though you know that Jack knows, and his family knows, each time you meet someone new from his life, you feel the need to prove yourself. It’s part of the reason you were so anxious to meet his parents all those months ago. You worry that each person you meet has seen or read an article like the one you were sent. You worry they’ll think you’re not right for Jack, or that you’re only with him to get a taste of the popularity and lifestyle that comes along with his job. All you want is to show them how much you love him for him, and how you never want to leave his side.

Jack looks down at you, bringing your joined hands up to his mouth, pulling them together and kissing your knuckles.

“I promise you, no one here thinks that,” he starts, his words oozing with sincerity. “There is not a single person that matters to me in my life more than you. And absolutely no one’s opinion of you matters to me other than your own. Do you think you’re with me for the wrong reasons?” He asks you, waiting for you to answer him.

You shake your head no, breaking his eye contact.

“Hey, look at me,” he squeezes your hands that are still resting near his mouth, bringing your eyes back to his. “Then absolutely nothing else matters, okay? I know who you are, and you know who you are. Last time I checked, we’re the only two in this relationship, so that’s the only two people I’ll ever be looking to for opinions concerning my choices in this relationship, got it?”

You nod, a little embarrassed you were ever worried in the first place after his small speech, but still needing the hear his words nonetheless.

You’re still looking up at him, opening your mouth to tell him how much you love him when your stomach growls between the two of you, loud enough you nearly jump back.

Jack’s eyes flicker down to your stomach and back up to your eyes, the amusement in them making the blue shade shine even brighter.

“On that note, let’s go get you something to eat,” he chuckles, kissing your forehead before dropping one of your hands, the other still intwined with yours, pulling you out of the room behind him.

Jack led you down to the kitchen, digging around in the fridge to sneak you a snack before everyone sat down for dinner, knowing the meal wouldn’t be ready for at least another hour.

After he was satisfied that you weren’t going to starve, thanks to the small bowl of fruit he found, the two of you walked out to the back deck, joining everyone else.

The Lawsons had already arrived, Jim and Ellen standing on the other side of the large deck, conversing with Mr. and Mrs. Lawson separately.

Mrs. Lawson is a short, slim woman. Her hair is flawlessly styled into a ‘looks lazy but really took an hour’ up do, wearing a light purple, short sleeve pleated dress that fell just above her ankles, a simple pair of sandals on her feet.

Her husband is a tall man with salt and pepper hair, wearing a matching polo shirt and khaki shorts, a pair of Hey Dude brand shoes on his feet.

As soon as the two of you walked out onto the porch, Ellen was immediately halting her conversation to introduce you to the guests.

“Oh! There they are! Aren’t they just dolls? Look at them!” she gushed, walking over to greet the two of you.

You smile warmly at her, your relationship with Jack’s mom almost as dear to you as your relationship with your own. The two of you were able to sit and talk with one another during the hockey game her and Jim had come into town for the first time you met them. You both were invested in the game itself, considering all three Hughes boys were on the ice that night, but the intermissions were full of conversations and stories. You left the rink that night feeling like you had gained another mother, exchanging numbers with Ellen and promising to keep in touch. You now have weekly phone calls with Ellen, her interest in your life and well being matching that of her interest in her son’s.

“Mom, we literally saw you an hour ago on the boat, calm down,” Jack tells her, earning soft smack to his chest from you.

“Don’t be a grump, Jack. She’s telling us how good we look and you choose now to suddenly act like you don’t love being told you look pretty,” you scold.

Jack looks down at you with his mouth slightly open, putting on his best fake offended face.

“See, I told you she keeps him in check for me. Now I don’t have to carry the burden all by myself anymore,” Ellen tells Mrs. Lawson, earning a laugh from the woman standing just behind her.

You and Jack continue to have a small stare down until he conceded, choosing to flash a smile at you instead, sticking his tongue out like a child and earning a small giggle from you.

“Y/N, this is Deborah, but we all call her Deb. Deb, this is Y/N, my new baby girl,” Ellen breaks up yours and Jack’s moment, introducing you to Mrs. Lawson.

“Hi, it’s so nice to meet you Mrs. Lawson,” you say, removing your hand from Jack’s so you could step forward and give a small, greeting hug to the woman in front of you.

“Oh honey, Mrs. Lawson was my mother-in-law, please, call me Deb,” she tells you as she pulls back from the hug.

“Okay, Deb is it,” you laugh, stepping back beside Jack.

“C’mere, I need a hug from you too, Jack,” she motions Jack over to her, your boyfriend walking over to give her a slightly longer hug than you shared with her. “My, you’ve grown up, haven’t you? Last time I saw you, you were just getting ready to declare yourself draft eligible. Now look at you, the real deal.”

Jack blushes as he steps back towards you, knowing how shy he gets when complimented.

He may be cocky on the ice and in interviews, but you’ve learned that when it comes to the people that are close to him, Jack is extremely humble. He turns a light shade of pink any time you compliment how well he played after a game, or when his mom calls to tell him she watched his game on tv and cheered so loud she woke their cat up anytime he scored a goal.

“Just enjoy playing the game, is all,” he slips his hand back into yours. You give it a light squeeze.

“Ron, quit talking golf and get over here! Come say hi to Jack and his girlfriend!” Deb turns and shouts to her husband behind her. Both Mr. Lawson and Jim leave their spot by the heating grill and walk over to join your small group.

“Jack, how are ya, boy?” Mr. Lawson walks up, pulling Jack from your hold, bringing him in by his arm for what you call a ‘guy’ hug, each having one arm slug over the other’s shoulders, their clasped hands trapped between their chests.

“Getting by alright. Happy to have a bit of a break. Couldn’t wait to show Y/N here the ways of the lake house,” Jack motions to where you stand slightly behind him.

“Oh gosh, where are my manners. Hi, sweetheart, I’m Ron,” Mr. Lawson sticks his hand out towards you, shaking it softly.

“Hi, Jack’s told me a lot about you two. It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Lawson” you reference both of the Lawsons, repeating part of your greeting to Deb.

“Oh, no, Mr. Lawson is my father, I’m just Ron, dear,” he mirrors his wife’s earlier statement, stepping over to place his arm around her waist.

You chat with the couple a bit longer, noticing after a few minutes that Quinn and Luke are nowhere to be found. Neither was their daughter Ellen had mentioned earlier.

“Not to interrupt, but where are Quinn and Luke?” you ask just as Ellen finishes telling Ron and Deb about a recent cruise her and Jim had been on.

“Oh, they took Sarah out for a spin on the boat before dinner. She said she missed the water, so away they went,” Deb explains, looking over to Jack. “She’s so excited to see you again, Jack. She always talks about wanting to get across the bridge to see a game, but you know her, a workaholic and all.”

You sense a slight rigidness in Jack’s body language at the mention of Sarah. He responds with a simple “Yeah, that’s a shame,” not offering any other words about the mystery girl.

You were confused. You had thought Ellen said the boys were friends with Sarah growing up. Why did Jack tense up when she was mentioned? Had there been some sort of falling out? Was he not excited to see her? He hadn’t mentioned anything when you brought her up earlier, causing you to assume he just didn’t know much about her, having lost contact after they both were busy and didn’t have as much time to spend at the lake anymore.

As soon as Jack had finished speaking, you heard loud laughter coming from the long deck at the end of the house’s yard, seeing three figures quickly approaching the porch you were standing on.

“See, told you I could still beat you, just like when I was a kid!” you hear an unfamiliar voice call out, footsteps coming up the wooden stairs leading to the porch.

“Not fair, you didn’t tell me it was a race until you were already at the end of the deck,” you recognize the voice this time, Luke uttering his words between fast breaths.

As you look towards the stairs, you see one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen in your life step onto the porch.

She had jet black hair that fell to her mid back, perfectly pin straight. She had the greenest eyes you think you’d ever seen, and her tan skin was a shade that people usually had to be photoshopped to achieve. She was wearing a sundress similar to yours, but hers was a baby blue color, complementing her skin tone and hair perfectly. It fell right at her mid-thigh, and had a floral print running across the fabric.

“Hey, everyone. Hope we didn’t miss dinner,” she said, waltzing over to the wet bar to grab a bottle of water as Luke and Quinn make their way up the stairs, coming to stand a few feet from you and Jack.

“Oh, not even close, honey. You’re just in time. Your dad and Jim were just about to put the chicken on the grill,” Deb tells her daughter, beaming at her.

She walks over to join everyone, not stopping until she’s stood right in front of Jack.

“Oh, Jacky! I’ve missed you so much! It’s been so long!” she wraps him in a hug. His arms stay pinned to his sides, his body going rigid with discomfort. You notice the looks from Quinn and Luke, confused at their wide eyes.

He coughs, causing her to detach herself from his body, but not removing her hand from his shoulders.

“Well, that hockey training sure has been good to you, hasn’t it Jacky,” she continues, squeezing his biceps with a smirk before dropping her hands, completely ignoring you.

The second her hands leave his body, Jack is stepping back over to you, placing his hand on your waist.

“Uhh, Sarah, this is Y/N, my girlfriend. Y/N, Sarah,” Jack says, squeezing you to his side.

“Oh! You’re the new girlfriend my mom was telling me about. How sweet!” she coos, placing her hand on her chest. “Jack, she’s so pretty. But, what happened to Macey? You know, the one with the pretty blonde hair? Oh, and the absolute insane body. Seriously, I need her personal trainer’s number,” she asks, looking around at everyone.

You think about your brunette hair and know exactly what she’s trying to do.

“Not in the picture anymore. Didn’t really like the fact that she kept sticking her tongue down some Philly player’s throat when she came to visit me during an away game,” Jack spat out, grinding his teeth.

“What a shame. I liked her,” Sarah waved it off, making a small pout with her lips. “But, I’m sure you’re great too!” she added as an after thought, flashing the fakest smile you’ve ever seen.

You feel a presence step up behind you, Quinn slyly whispering “ex-girlfriend�� in your ear, suddenly making Jack’s body language and her backhanded warmth towards you make sense.

“Okay, well, time to go get the food on the grill. Food will be ready in around thirty,” Jim claps his hands together, sensing the need to break up the awkward moment.

“Oh great, I’m absolutely starving,” Sarah exaggerates her last word, turning and walking towards the sliding glass door leading to the kitchen.

You stand there, not knowing how to process what just happened, Jack’s grip on you as tight as ever. You look over to Ellen, who gives you a sympathetic look.

“Oh, my sweet girl,” Deb sighs and shakes her head in amusement, completely oblivious to her daughter’s fake niceness and obvious flirting with Jack. “She’s something else, isn’t she? Such a little firecracker,” she reflects, nothing but adoration in her tone and on her face.

“Yeah, one that backfires into the innocent bystanders,” Quinn mumbles under his breath, earning a snort from Luke. Ellen shoots them a glare, darting her eyes towards Deb to see if she heard, but the older woman was still staring adoringly at her daughter in the kitchen through the glass doors.

Thirty minutes later, just like Jim announced, everyone was sat at the large outdoor table, food covering the large surface.

The food was amazing, the bowl of fruit from earlier long gone as you sat down to fill your plate, wanting seconds of almost everything.

“Jack, will you hand me the potato salad, I swear, I can’t get enough of it,” you ask your boyfriend who’s sitting to your right.

He reaches over and grabs the bowl, scooping a spoonful on to your plate for you. “That good? Or you want more?”

“No, that’s good. Gotta save room for dessert,” you tell him, picking up your fork to dig in.

Jack places his hand on your thigh, smiling over at the little happy dance you do when you scoop the potato salad into your mouth.

“Oh, I’m so full,” you hear Sarah say, raising her voice to make sure the whole table hears her. “I wish I could be like you, Y/N, I’d love to have seconds, but I just cannot hold another bite, I’m already so bloated as it is,” she places her hands over her stomach to emphasize. “You’re so lucky you’ve already snagged a man and don’t have to worry about watching what you eat anymore.”

You stop mid-chew, her words sinking in.

You look around the table, everyone looking at you. Deb and Ron are smiling at you, not at all reacting to their daughter’s words, likely not even understanding the connotation of what she just said. Ellen and Jim are looking at Sarah, their eyebrows raised in shock. Quinn is glaring at her while Luke’s mouth is dropped open.

Jack’s hand is digging into your thigh, his other hand closed, clenches in a tight fist on the tablet next to his glass of water.

You finish chewing your food and swallow thickly, placing your fork down and sliding your plate away from you.

“Oh, no, don’t stop on my account. I’d kill to be able to be as comfortable as you are. Not having to worry about impressing anyone anymore, just being able to know you’re loved, no matter what you look like,” she continues, taking a sip of her water to hide her smirk.

You bow your head, your face a shade of red you can physically feel, refusing to meet anyone’s eye.

Luke coughs, a faint “bitch” heard by your ears.

“Okay, I think it’s time we clear the table for dessert, shall we,” Ellen pipes up, her own smile strained.

“Great idea, let me help you,” Deb, either still oblivious or intentionally ignoring the hurtful nature of her daughter’s words, starts to stand.

“No, I got it,” Jack surprises you by standing, taking everyone’s plates and quickly stomping off of the porch.

You could feel the anger radiating off of him when Sarah was talking, probably choosing to leave the area before he said something he would regret.

“Here, let me help, too,” Sarah stands, taking a few food dishes in her hands and stepping inside behind Jack before anyone could protest.

The table is silent after she leaves. You sit there, debating on just sliding out of your seat and under the table, wanting to hide. Luke, who was sitting next to you, brings his hand over to rest on your shoulder, trying to provide some comfort.

You look over at him to see a concerned look as he mouths a silent “You okay?”, nodding your head yes, despite the heavy feeling in your stomach.

You look up again, straight at Sarah’s parents, wondering how they can be so ignorant about their daughter’s malicious words.

You meet Ellen’s eye, seeing a sad, pleading look, begging you to forgive her with her expression. You give her a small smile, shaking your head to tell her it’s alright.

Ron is the one to finally break the silence, looking around at everyone with a genuine smile, once again proving your suspicion they’re unaware of the shift in atmosphere.

“Ellen, please tell me you made your famous cheesecake. It’s been too long since I’ve had a slice,” he speaks, unable to read the room.

Ellen partakes in empty small talk with Deb and Ron about how she makes her cheesecake when you decided you need to go check on Jack.

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go help Jack,” you say flatly, standing from your seat and all but running inside, the urge to walk over and shake the Lawsons while shouting “your daughter’s a bitch!” in their face your cue to leave the table.

You enter the kitchen, seeing the dishes both Sarah and Jack brought in littering the counter, but neither one of them was to be found in the spacious area.

You walk through the house, calling out Jack’s name softly as you pass the stairs, making your way to the small sitting room at the front of the house.

“Jack, I don’t get it. What does she have that I don’t? What about her makes her any better than me?” you hear the sound of Sarah’s voice coming from the foyer.

“What the hell do you mean? Everything! She has everything you don’t!” you hear Jack exclaim, stopping in your tracks.

Were they talking about you?

“Jack, we were good together! We had fun. I don’t understand why you ended things between us. Hell, I took a job in New York because you said you were probably going to New Jersey to play. We could have been the new it couple of New Jersey!” it was Sarah’s turn to raise her voice.

Jack shakes his head, a dry laugh making its way out of his mouth. “What part of I didn’t want to don’t you understand?” Jack spits out. “You had fun. You chose to move to New York. You thought were good together. There was never any we in any of that.”

You can practically see the veins popping out on Jack’s forehead through his tone, even though they were out of view.

“All you ever cared about when we were together was the fact that I was about to play professional hockey. You didn’t care about me, you just cared about what I could offer you!” he shouts again. “The fact you just admitted you cared more about being the ���it” couple more than you cared about wanting to be with me proves it.”

“Well, sue me for wanting to live the life of the rich and famous,” Sarah says, scoffing.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about,” Jack huffs out. “Y/N doesn’t care about living the life of the rich and famous. She just wants me. She wants Jack, not ‘Jack Hughes, star forward, number one overall draft pick’,” he puts on his announcer voice.

“All my life, people have only ever cared about how well I played hockey. Every coach, every teammate, every girl. They all saw me as a hockey player. They wanted me on their team, or in their bed, because they wanted what came with me: attention and popularity,” Your heart breaks at Jack’s voice, never having heard him sound so deflated before.

“Hell, you introduced me to people as a future professional hockey player before you ever introduced me to them as your boyfriend,” he continues. “With Y/N, that’s far from the most interesting thing about me. When she first introduced me to her family, she told them I was her best friend’s brother,” he refers back to the first time you took him home to meet your family, the subject of hockey not coming up until your dad asked if he liked sports, only to berate him for not being a football player. Later that night he asked him how hockey worked. Your dad has never missed a Devils game since, either in person or on tv.

“Her favorite fun fact to tell people about me isn’t a stat, or how many hat tricks I’ve scored,” he keeps going. “It’s that I love to sing Shakira when I’m in the shower. Or that I’m the only other person other than her dad that has ever made her laugh so hard water has come out of her nose,” Jack lightly laughs.

“Hey, Y/N, everything okay-“ you hear Quinn’s voice rounding the corner.

Cutting him off with a “shhh” you place your finger on your mouth to tell him, and Luke who trails behind him, to be quiet, pointing to the sitting room where Jack and Sarah are arguing.

“So, yeah, I would say I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted out of me, but I’m not. I’m not sorry that I broke things off with you. I’m not sorry that I found someone that actually loves me for who I am. And I’m not sorry that I brought the woman that I plan on marrying here with me, and you just so happened to be here too,” Jack tells her, his voice still holding a slight trace of anger.

“I am sorry that I never told my parents what really went down between us, telling them we just agreed it would be too hard and we needed to go back to being friends, because maybe they wouldn’t have invited you over tonight. I am sorry that I didn’t take Y/N out for dinner, trying to avoid what’s happening right now. I am sorry that you can’t begin to fathom someone can see through your forced smiles and backhanded comments, seeing how cold and rotten you really are on the inside. And I am sorry that your poor, sweet parents were given such a malicious bitch as a daughter,” He finishes.

“You know, my mom said Ellen told her you showed her a ring, but I thought it was just a gift. You’re really going to propose to her?” Sarah asks, annoyance clear in her voice, spitting out her last word with unmistakeable disgust.

“Of course it’s true. Bought the ring months ago, been carrying it around with me every since. Showed mom the night she met her, told her I was serious about her and that she’s the one. I think part of me knew that from the moment I met her,” you hear Jack say, hearing the tenderness in his voice when the subject turns to you.

Your head whips over to Luke and Quinn, your eyes wide and your mouth handing open. The panicked look on their faces is all the confirmation you need to know that you heard Jack right. He bought you a ring. He bought you a ring and showed his mom. He bought you a ring and showed his mom and was going to propose to you.

Before you know what you’re doing, your body is leading you to the entryway where your boyfriend is arguing with his ex-girlfriend.

“Y/N, no, wait,” Quinn tries to stop you, but it’s too late.

“You bought me a ring?” you ask as you enter the room, seeing Jack and Sarah standing several feet apart from each other.

“Oh, great, the woman of the hour,” Sarah rolls her eyes at you, throwing her arms up and letting them fall to her side.

You shoot her a glare, not at all concerned about her comments from earlier anymore.

You turn your head to Jack, who’s face looked as panicked at Luke and Quinn’s.

“Jack, you said you bought me a ring. Is that true?” you ask him, begging him to answer you.

Jack gulps, nodding his head yes.

“Right…” is all you can say, trying to digest what’s happening.

You look back and forth between Jack and Sarah, your gaze finally landing on the unimpressed one of Sarah.

“Listen, I don’t care what happened between you and Jack however many years ago, but I don’t appreciate you coming to his family’s house and acting like a nasty bitch to me because you got dumped and I’m the one getting the ring,” you tell her, earning a shocked scoff from her. “So, if you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it if you took your nasty attitude and sad insecurities out of this house and elsewhere. I have something I need to discuss with the man that chose me .”

You hear the faint snorts of Quinn and Luke behind you, while Jack’s face moves from panicked to shocked as he looks between the two of you.

“God, you don’t have to ask me twice. All of this melodrama is giving me a headache. You’re not worth this. I can get any guy from the Knicks roster, I don’t need to waste my time on hockey players anymore,” Sarah says before she storms out of the room.

You watch her go, giving her a sweet smile and a wave on her way out.

“That was…the hottest thing I’ve ever seen you do,” Jack tells you, walking over to where you stood.

You roll your eyes at him, hitting him in the chest once he gets close enough to you.

“Ow! What was that for?” Jack asks you, rubbing where you thumped him

“For not telling me that Sarah was your ex-girlfriend when I was telling you how excited I was to meet her earlier” you exclaim while looking up at him, poking him in the chest with each word

“I didn’t want you to feel like you had anything to be worried about and get even more in your head about this dinner,” he tells you, grabbing your finger and pushing your hand down to your side.

“Yeah, well a lot of good that did,” you roll your eyes, bringing your hand up to softly smack his chest again.

“God, woman, stop hitting me!” Jack yelps again. “What the hell was that one for?”

“For buying me a ring only a few months into our relationship! And then for not telling me you were going to propose, you idiot!” you exclaim, throwing your arms around.

“Well, I don’t know if you know this or not, but most proposals are usually a surprise,” he tells you, grabbing your arms and holding them apart, preventing you from hitting him again.

“Still. Why would you buy it so soon into us dating, Jack? What if you ended up hating me once we hit six months, or you found out I snored and decided you didn’t want to share a bed with me for the rest of your life?” you ask him, earning a laugh from your boyfriend.

“I knew that you were it from the moment I met you. There’s absolutely no chance of me ever getting sick of you, or hating you,” Jack tells you honestly, the intensity behind his eyes causing you to believe his words. “Also, you do snore, and I think it’s cute, don’t worry.”

You try to hit his chest again, but your arms are still being held by his hands.

“So, is this a good time for me to say I never really liked Sarah,” Luke chimes in, reminding you that him and Quinn are standing in the entrance of the room.

“Luke, you’re such an idiot,” Quinn tells him, flicking him on the back of his curly head.

“What? It’s true. I liked Y/N the second I met her, but Sarah was always just a bitch,” Luke rubs the back of his head as he speaks. “Why do you think Quinn and I took one for the team and took the wicked witch out on the boat so we could keep her out of your hair for as long as possible?”

“Thanks, Luke,” you chuckle, shaking your head.

“Well, I guess it’s time to tell mom that she knows you’re proposing,” Quinn says, looking towards Jack.

“Oh, no, no one is going to know that she knows. I had this whole thing planned out, and I’m not letting Y/N ruin her own proposal,” Jack says, finally letting go of your hands.

“Do I at least get to see the ring?” you ask him, hopeful.

“Nope,” Jack shakes his head, popping the ‘p’.

You huff, crossing your arms and looking at him with a pout, until you remember his words from a few minutes before.

“Wait, you told Sarah you carry the ring with you everywhere, does that mean it’s here? In this house?” Jack’s face falls, eyes looking anywhere but your own.

“No…”

Your face lights up, looking towards the stairs before back at Jack, turning and making a run for your room.

“Oh no, you don’t!” he runs after you, catching up to you in no time.

He grabs you by your torso and swings you around, sitting you back at the bottom of the stairs as he guards them.

“Not fair, your stupid hockey speed and reflexes can shove it,” you pout again.

As you stand at the bottom of the stairs, Quinn and Luke watch the two of you, admiring how perfect the two of you are for each other.

Luke thinks back to when he decided to introduce you to his older brother, knowing he made the right decision, the two of you bringing out the best versions of the other.

And when he stands, hidden with his family as he watches his brother get down on one knee, proposing to the girl that stood at the bottom of the stairs, demanding to see her ring, he knew sneaking into Jack’s room and moving the ring to his own room was the right move, the shock on your face worth the two week long silent treatment you gave him when you found out what he had done.

[faeriekit]

New In Town (dp x dc)

ALRIGHT! 👏🏽 A prompt. (Or, well. A premise.) I’m schtealing a lot of worldbuilding from @mediumsizedpidegon‘s post here so bear with me please.

The Bats, however they catch wind of Amity, catch wind of Amity Park. Of course they do. Amity Park has a very distinct presence— Or, well, a lack of a presence. It may have an abundance of documented weirdness online, from folk stories to abandoned livestreams to concerning details in expats’ online blogs.

But there is no online evidence of Amity Park that leaves Amity Park.

So. What is a family of detectives to do when confronted with the need to gather physical evidence? Road Trip, baby!🏄🏽‍♂️🚗🚞🚡

Everyone hops in the car/Batplane and makes their way to Amity Park; they make hotel reservations, ring up the only reasonably rich enough people to even touch their social circle (the Manson family, and Vlad Masters, apparently), make an itinerary for all the documented tourist stops to hit up while in town off the town website, and prepare themselves for whatever dimensional weirdness is causing a complete tech blackout on the town and an inability to be found by satellite.

They get about ten feet into Amity proper when they meet the first local.

His name is Danny. He’s nice! Affable. He looks a lot like any other Wayne sibling, actually, if a little on the younger side. He notices it’s their first time in town. Do they need any help getting around?

Best way to get information is to ingratiate with a local, so...sure, why not? They get a free tour guide, Danny gets to show off his town; they see all the sights, like the local burger joint, the school, the Manson home, the town hall, the city proper. They’re having a clothing swap in the temple parking lot, actually. You should go check it out!

For whatever reason, it’s all...Punk? Goth? There’s a couple of lolita dressed tossed in, and some crocheted things. Everyone has a trunk out their car, eyeliner, and at least two piercings in their face; everyone here seems to know each other on a personal level. Well, small towns are small towns. Whatever.

Danny isn’t deterred by their reactions. If they want, there’s the movie in park tonight! If not, they can catch dinner, though; their hotel restaurant closes at 8pm sharp. (He just...knows this off the top of his head?)

They split up. Some of the family people watch at the restaurant. Everyone is...weirdly courteous to them. A little standoffish. But not at the Wayne name, just at...them being there.

The people at the park find out they’re watching The Night of the Living Dead. This would be much more normal if the park wasn’t also clearly the cemetery, in the middle of July? Which is. Why? It’s not even for any holiday or special time of the year? It’s just...clearly a movie night in the summer? There are little kids here, playing among the gravestones while their parents set out blankets and snacks. Why is this considered a family event??

Well. At least Jason has fun.

Everyone goes to bed and reconvenes in the morning. When they wake up and roll out for the day, Danny manages to find them again, this time with two new friends, bright and chipper in the morning. There’s a farmer’s market today! Everyone’s worked really hard on this week’s harvest; don’t they want to see?

...Sure?

And the longer they’re in Amity Park, the more they begin to realize how convenient it is, that they’re ferried around so easily; that there’s immediately a local who takes a liking to them, that there’s always something else to do; how suspicious it is that no data can get in or out of Amity now that they’re in it, or how they can’t seem to get close to any of the more suspicious parts of town they want to infiltrate. The town is entirely closed to outside influences. The fashion trends are strange and foreign. They only eat things grown in the area, by people they know, and it’s all sort of...green. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone knows where to go. Who to talk to. The superstitions— make no wishes, step on no cracks, wear no large jewelry, cross no shadows of any person (living or dead, apparently), speak to no one without full view of their eyes. 

But nothing seems dangerous— not until a few of them try to investigate Axiom Labs, a subsidiary of the otherwise national Dalvco company, and are met to the face with a blaster that uses tech they’ve never seen, by a red fighter in an ultra-synthetic suit.

Overnight, the extremely polite and welcoming town becomes a hostile entity to fight their way out of.

[thiccschief]

Taking a Few for the Team

I've always had a fantasy about a sports team breeding one of the players, transferring all their fat to the one player. It's a work in progress, but here's the first part! Contains male weight gain & sex, and some bloating/gas.

Part two is here.

Exhausted, Aaron made his way out of his last class of the semester. Walking outside onto the cold winter afternoon, he admired how nice the snow looked across his college campus. Unfortunately, there was no snow on the indoor soccer field. His coach had insisted that the team practice tonight one last time before winter break.

Even though he only considered himself to be an average player on his team, Aaron enjoyed soccer. It was nice to have something going on other than his classes, and Aaron got along well with his teammates. His best friend Jess would always poke fun at him asking when he was going to hook up with the other players since they always acted so gay around each other. He didn’t mind though, since they were all cool with him being out as gay. His teammates would joke about it sometimes but only ever in jest.

He made his way back to his apartment he shared with Jess to grab his soccer bag, then he was off to practice. It went like any other, but near the end his coach made a point to tell all the boys they had better make sure and watch what they ate over the holiday break. “I don’t need you all to have to go harder at practice than you already will when you get back.” He figured he was being self-conscious, but Aaron felt like that statement had been directed at him. He was sure the coach made the most eye contact with him when he said that to everyone.

At 5’11 and fairly muscular, he was still definitely athletic. But with exams and everything going on, Aaron found himself stress eating more than usual. He had gained about 10 pounds since the start of the semester. It didn’t bother him, if anything it was just a good bulk that he could cut and gain some muscle mass if he hit the gym hard enough over the break. But his already small uniform shorts were definitely struggling with his slightly larger butt. His tops were definitely tighter too, but if he sucked in his belly it wasn’t too noticeable.

“Shit, I was really looking forward to eating good the next couple of weeks,” said Jared in the locker room after practice. “But you guys heard him, if I can’t then you can’t either.”

Jared is the team captain, who Aaron had a crush on. He was tall and muscular, and somehow ever so slightly tan even in the winter. He was assertive but also kind and understanding. It’s no wonder the team looked up to him.

“My girlfriend’s mom makes the best desserts! What coach doesn’t know won’t hurt him” complained Trevor. With a great sense of humor, he and Aaron were pretty good friends. Aaron was also a pretty good wingman for Trevor, which he appreciated. 

“Yeah it’ll be hard. I’m not sure what I’ll do when my mom makes her famous pork roast. But think of how much better shape we’ll be in compared to the other teams once spring season starts” said Jared.

“Shit, you two are making me hungry” said Aaron as he took off his top.

“Look, just don’t overdo it, man” said Jared. Aaron could have sworn that Jared shot a quick glance at Aaron’s belly, but just like before he tried to write it off as being self-conscious.

He finished changing and headed back out into the cold night. On his drive home, he thought about his workout plans for the break. Like most of the other guys, he and his family both lived nearby to the school, so it’s not like he would have to give up the gym for a month. But also in the back of his mind, he knew that it wouldn’t matter, he probably wouldn’t go anyway.

—----------------------------

The last couple days of break came faster than he expected. Aaron was seriously not ready for classes and soccer practice to start back up again. In between hanging out with Jess and also his family, Aaron had spent a few nights drinking beers and playing video games with Trevor. It was nice to become closer as friends. But also, to hang out without feeling pressure from the team about somehow gaining more weight. He knew Trevor didn’t care, but Aaron was terrified about how he was going to explain to the coach why he could barely squeeze into his shorts and jersey.

Trying it on before their practice that night, Aaron could see in his mirror that there was now no hiding the fact that he did not spend a minute in the gym all month. Or that he had completely ignored his coach’s advice not to overindulge in his mom’s delicious cooking. His shorts were straining to cover his now very round ass, and his jersey was completely showing off his new belly and love handles. His pecs were now larger looking as well. “Dammit!” he muttered to himself. He was definitely a little chubby now. But even though he was nervous about his team’s judgment, somehow he felt a bit sexier? He’d always liked men with some meat on their bones, but had never really considered that look for himself. But damn, something about how he was filling out his uniform made his shorts even tighter…

But without much time to think about it, he rushed out the door to get to practice. Somehow he was already running late.

After getting to practice, Aaron was relieved. It looked like all the other guys had spent the holiday more or less exactly like he did. Especially Jared, who now had a bit of a pudgy belly along with slightly pronounced love handles under his jersey. He liked to wear a smaller size to show off his muscles Aaron suspected, but now it was just showing off his mom’s many desserts he had eaten.

Coach definitely noticed the guys’ different physiques as well, and seemed irritated that the team was doing their exercises slower than usual. At the end of practice, after a short conversation with Jared, the coach pulled all the guys into a quick meeting.

“Look, I know I told you boys not to overdo it with eating over the break…” said the coach, with an exasperated tone in his voice “but this is ridiculous. We are going to have to do something about it.”

“Yes coach…” the team said meekly, knowing full well what they had done.

“So here is the deal. Jared and I have come up with a plan to get you boys back in shape in time for spring season. Be ready to do whatever it takes! That’s it for today’s practice, but it won’t be as easy next time!”

While changing in the locker room, Aaron reflected on what coach had told them. ‘Do whatever it takes?’ Aaron was already dreading the next practice and he hadn’t even left this one. Being the chubbiest one on the team, he knew whatever coach had in store was not going to be easy.

“Way to go, fatass” Trent said angrily, poking Aaron in his soft belly. “Now we are going to have to work out twice as hard because of you.” Trent was a player that could get pretty heated in the game, but Aaron had never had Trent get confrontational with him off the field. So this was definitely a first that Aaron didn’t know how to handle. 

“I… I don’t…” stammered Aaron, blushing a little in embarrassment. He didn’t know what to do.

“Whoa calm down man” Trevor came and stood between the two. “Look, we’ve all put on a few over the holiday. I know I at least have a little beer belly now.” Trevor said, making a point to grab the little bit of belly fat he had gained and laughed. “It’s all good. We’ll get back in shape in no time.”

“He’s right, it’s not the end of the world” chimed in Jared. “Coach and I put a plan together, and it’ll definitely be faster than a normal training regimen. We should do great this season.”

“And how the hell are we going to pull that off?” demanded Trent “Other than working out twice as hard, what are we supposed to do?”

“We haven't worked out the formula just yet, but I’m sure we can do it. Just listen to me and coach. We have a plan.” said Jared, with more of his assertive-team-captain tone than before. He was still positive as usual, but Trent could tell this conversation was over.

Formula? That was an odd choice of words, thought Aaron later that night. What did he mean?

All Aaron knew was Trent poking his belly and calling him a fatass earlier was somehow… insanely hot. Fuck, why was it so hot!? If Trevor hadn’t stood in front of him, his boner in his boxer briefs would have been on full display for the whole team to see. Thankfully his normally eight incher was now slightly smaller from his new encroaching fat pad.

That night, he beat himself off grabbing his belly and playing that scene over and over in his head…

The next day, Aaron got a group text from Jared.

'Hey everyone, team meeting tonight at my place. Be there at 7.'

'Damn' Aaron thought to himself. 'What is so important we couldn't have gone over it yesterday?!' 

Regardless, team meetings at Jared's house usually ended up being more of a kickback than a meeting. The guys all usually brought a few beers, snacks, and some video games to enjoy after whatever team business was discussed. Jared's family had moved away but kept the house so he could live in it while he finished college. This made it the perfect place for them to all hang.

After pulling up to Jared's quiet suburban home, he headed down to the large basement living room, where the team usually hung out. It had multiple sofas and plenty of space for the whole team.

He was surprised to find that he was the last one on the team to arrive.

"Hey man! Didn't know you had it in you to be on time to anything" Aaron said jokingly to Trevor as he sat on the couch next to him.

"Dude what are you talking about? Jared said to be here at six th-"

Trevor was immediately cut off by Jared who jumped up and started the meeting.

"Glad to see you all could make it." Jared said, standing and facing everyone. "I wanted to go over the plan coach and I made to get us all in shape. We are very excited but it's going to take every guy on this team doing his part."

Jared held up a protein shaker bottle filled with an ivory liquid. It just looked like any other protein shake. "Coach and I consulted with some people in the chemistry department and formulated a unique protein shake mixture for each of you. It's highly concentrated and is specially formulated to last longer than a normal shake. Because of this, we probably only have to drink it once a week. So every week starting today, we will all drink it together, that way I know nobody is slacking."

"Seriously?!" Chimed Trent "you have to babysit us about it?"

"No you don't understand. It's just way easier this way." Said Jared. He seemed annoyed that Trent would say something like that, as if he should have known better.

"Anyway, we are still working on the flavors. So let me know what you guys think!" Jared handed everyone a bottle with their name on it.

Aaron gave it a couple shakes then put the bottle up to his mouth and took a big sip. The shake was… delicious. It was so sweet and rich and nothing at all like those nasty protein shakes he was used to.

"Fuck that's good." "Hey man, what's in this?" "Damn it's just like ice cream…" the other guys clearly enjoyed theirs too.

"Glad y'all like it. Anyway, that's the meeting. Once you finish your shakes, I've got plenty of beers in the fridge." Said Jared with a grin on his face. "One more thing. We noticed when we were testing it, sometimes the shakes can make you a little… bloated."

As if on cue, Trevor let out a long *buuUuuUURRP* followed by some hearty laughter from the rest of the guys.

"Look if this gets us in shape like you say it will, a couple burps won't kill me" joked Trevor.

"Oh don't worry, it'll work just fine." Said Jared.

The team came prepared with the usual snacks, beer and video games. They were broing out just like any other team meeting before long.

20 minutes later…

—---------------------------

The guys started getting really gassy. Being a soccer team that spent tons of time together, an occasional fart or burp was not new for the boys. It was always followed by laughter at the expense of the perpetrator, but this was different. The teammates were all feeling way more bloated than they had ever been. ‘Hopefully these shakes are worth it…’ their faces seemed to say.

At first they seemed to be a little embarrassed about it, but after a few minutes of laughing at each other they were letting it all out. All the boys at this point were occasionally farting and burping. Aaron noticed that the boys’ cheeks were becoming a little flush as well. They were also starting to get hard. Rock hard. Aaron noticed that everyone on the team had a boner visible through their shorts by now. Even himself.

All the guys were blushing as they started noticing the strange effects of this protein shake they had been given.

"Yeah sorry guys, it has some odd side effects" said Jared.

Aaron felt super flustered. The guys knew he was gay, but staring at all their protruding manhoods felt like a step too far. He got up to go to the bathroom, but as he did…

"Hey... Has anyone else noticed how fat Aaron's ass is?" Said Trent

"You're joking right?" Aaron said in disbelief.

"Like, seriously huge..." said Trent, as he stroked his cock through his shorts.

"...hey!" Aaron was completely shocked. This… didn’t feel like their normal banter.

"I'm serious!" Said Trent. "Has it always jiggled this much??" He got up and gave Aaron’s ass a huge smack. Even through his shorts, you could see it shake in recoil.

Come to think of it, Aaron thought, was it usually that jiggly? Was this another bizarre effect of these shakes?

The next thing he knew, Trent grabbed Aarons shorts and pulled them to the ground.

"Holy fuck!" exclaimed Trent "That ass is fucking insane!"

"What the fuck is going on here!?" yelled Jared "Get your *buuuURP* hands off my teammate!"

Trent grabbed Aaron's cheeks and squeezed. His fingers sank deep into the soft flesh, which he loved. He pushed Aaron firmly between the shoulder blades, the boy bracing himself on the couch. Trent mimed fucking Aarons ass in front of the team, causing an uproar of laughter.

“Hey man, chill out!” Exclaimed Jared. “I told you how this was going to work.”

Jared grabbed Trent by the collar of his shirt and pulled him away. But then quickly dropped his own shorts and stood behind Aaron.

It all happened so fast Aaron didn’t have a chance to move. From being shocked about what Trent had done to him, to being frozen by seeing Jared act so dominant. Aaron just watched in shock as he was still bent over the couch. But he didn’t really want to move, either. He was starting to feel unusually calm.

The next thing he knew, Jared reached for some lube that was on the side table, and rubbed it on his huge rock hard cock. Wait… Aaron thought to himself, was that lube always there? Why would Jared leave it out like that?

Aaron also noticed that Jared’s balls were looking massive, as if they were a pair of oranges. 

“Get ready, fatass” moaned Jared. He gave Aaron’s jiggly ass a good slap and then grabbed him by his love handles.

Aaron felt a tingle through his body. He had never had a dick in his ass before. But he had always fantasized about it. This was a very weird night so far, but he’d be lying if he said he had never fantasized about having handsome, tall, fit, dominant but gentle Jared pound his tight (and now fat) ass.

His ass relaxed as if on queue, and Jared easily slipped in. Aaron moaned quietly at the sensation of having his first dick inside him.

He could hear Jared burping as he slid back and forth. The guys were definitely getting gassy because of their shakes.

Aaron groaned as Jared began to go deeper and harder. He was so turned on by this. He didn’t care that his whole team was there. He didn't mind the gas or the loud farts that Jared was letting out. In fact, he liked it. There was something about being taken by his team captain, called names and fucked in the ass that made him feel so incredibly horny.

Jared was thrusting really hard now and Aaron could feel Jared’s huge balls colliding with his own. It was so hot feeling Jared’s fat cock sliding in and out of his ass.

"Fuck, yeah, fuck me, I love it!" whined Aaron, leaning forward on the couch.

Jared continued to pound away, slamming Aaron's asshole relentlessly. He was so focused on Jared that he forgot the rest of the team was in the room, watching and stroking their cocks to Aaron and Jared.

"Come on, you fat bitch, take my dick! *BUuuuuUP* You're gonna be our team slut now!" yelled Jared.

Aaron nodded his head in agreement as Jared pounded away.

“Fuuuck…” was all Aaron could let out between his moans. He had never been so aroused. All he wanted at this point was to feel Jared release his huge load inside him.

"Take it, take it all… Take my load!" cried Jared, as he came inside Aaron's soft stomach. Aaron felt him gushing inside him. It felt like he was cumming forever, to the point where Aaron began to feel a slight pressure inside him from all the sloshing cum.

When Jared was done, he slowly pulled out of Aaron's ass. “Don’t let that go to waste, fatboy”  he said as he slapped Aarons’ dribbling ass. He started laughing as he looked at Aaron's now rounder and softer belly. Aaron looked as if he had instantly put on 10 pounds. "Damn, did I do that? You look even fatter now"

"It feels... tight" said Aaron, out of breath. "But it's amazing." He put a hand on his belly and felt not only Jared's cum sloshing around but also a softer layer of fat beneath his sweaty skin.

"I definitely feel less bloated now," said Jared with a grin, "you guys should try it" he said to the rest of the guys.

Aaron looked up and noticed Jared’s balls were normal sized now. Jared also looked like he… had lost weight? How was that possible? He looked like he was back to his toned, muscular body that he had before break. But Aaron was still in too much of a daze to think much more about it. He wanted to cum himself but his belly was too tight to focus.

The other boys all looked hesitant but something told Aaron that they all wanted to fuck him and unload their cum in him just like their team captain did.

Part two

[mclennonlgbt]

Paris in John and Paul’s life

30th September 1961:

“John and I went on a trip for his twenty-first birthday. John was from a very middle-class family, which really impressed me because everyone else was from working-class families. To us John was upper class. His relatives were teachers, dentists, even someone up in Edinburgh in the BBC. It’s ironic, he was always very ‘fuck you!’ and he wrote the song ‘Working Class Hero’ – in fact, he wasn’t at all working class. Anyway, one of John’s relatives gave him £100 for his birthday. A hundred smackers in your hand! That was a real windfall. None of us could believe it. To this day if you gave me £100 I would be impressed. And I was his mate, enough said? ‘Let’s go on holiday.’ – ‘You mean me too? With the hundred quid? Great! I’m part of this windfall.’” - Paul McCartney, Anthology

“We planned to hitchhike to Spain. I had done a spot of hitchhiking with George and we knew you had to have a gimmick; we had been turned down so often and we’d seen that guys that had a gimmick (like a Union Jack round them) had always got the lifts. So I said to John, ‘Let’s get a couple of bowler hats.’ It was showbiz creeping in. We still had our leather jackets and drainpipes – we were too proud of them not to wear them, in case we met a girl; and if we did meet a girl, off would come the bowlers. But for lifts we would put the bowlers on. Two guys in bowler hats – a lorry would stop! Sense of Humour. This, and the train, is how we got to Paris." - Paul McCartney, Anthology

“And Paul and I also did the same thing, once. We just cancelled. We’d made it, in Liverpool. We were making good money, for those days. I can’t remember what it was – maybe a couple of hundred dollars a week – but enough that you’d have a little extra. You’d have it in your back pocket. And Paul and I just— A relative of mine gave me a hundred pounds, for my birthday, which I’d never seen that much money in me life. Paul and I just canceled all the engagements, and left for Paris… And George was furious, because he needed the money – to work, you know. But that was another time when the group was in debate as whether it would exist or not.”  - John Lennon, 1976, an interview with Elliot Mintz

“Last night I heard that John and Paul have gone to Paris to play together – in other words, the band has broken up! It sounds mad to me, I don’t believe it…” - Stuart Sutcliffe, Anthology

"They were brothers. They were the Nerk Twins, and now they were taking a break from the Beatles and going off to Spain. En route, they’d stop a day or two in Paris, to size up the Brigittes, check out the kind of clothes Jurgen Vollmer wore, and perhaps see Jurgen himself, if he was around. [Johnny] Gustafson happened to bump into them the day they left, Saturday 30 September. “They both had bowler hats on, with the usual leather jackets and jeans. They said they were off to Paris, so I walked down to Lime Street station with them and watched them go. They were an incredible pair: always great fun, irreverent, and so close.” - Mark Lewisohn, All These Years: Volume One

“We’d never been there before. We were a bit tired so we checked into a little hotel for the night, intending to go off hitchhiking the next morning. Of course, it was too nice a bed after having hitched so we said, ‘We’ll stay a little longer,’ then we thought, ‘God, Spain is a long way, and we’d have to work to get down there.’ We ended up staying the week in Paris – John was funding it all with his hundred quid.

We would walk miles from our hotel; you do in Paris. We’d go to a place near the Avenue des Anglais and we’d sit in the bars, looking good. I still have some classic photos from there. Linda loves one where I am sitting in a gendarme’s mac as a cape and John has got his glasses on askew and his trousers down revealing a bit of Y-front. The photographs are so beautiful, we’re really hamming it up. We’re looking at the camera like, ‘Hey, we are artsy guys, in a café: this is us in Paris,’ and we felt like that.

We went up to Montmartre because of all the artists, and the Folies Bergères, and we saw guys walking around in short leather jackets and very wide pantaloons. Talk about fashion! This was going to kill them when we got back. This was totally happening. They were tight to the knee and then they flared out; they must have been about fifty inches around the bottom and our drainpipe trousers were something like fifteen or sixteen inches. We saw these trousers and said, ‘Excusez-moi, Monsieur, où did you get them?’ It was a cheap little rack down the street so we bought a pair each, went back to the hotel, put them on, went out on the street – and we couldn’t handle it: ‘Do your feet feel like they are flapping? Feel more comfortable in me drainies, don’t you?’ So it was back to the hotel at a run, needle and cotton out and we took them in to a nice sixteen with which we were quite happy. And then we met Jürgen Vollmer on the street. He was still taking pictures." - Paul McCartney, Anthology

“Jürgen had a flattened-down hairstyle with a fringe in the front, which we rather took to. We went over to his place and there and then he cut – hacked would be a better word – our hair into the same style.” - John Lennon, 1963

Interviewer: I heard you took a trip to Spain before once, didn’t you? On Holiday? Paul: I didn’t go to Spain, no. I tried once to make Spain but… and John and I were gonna hitchhike. We hitchhiked down from Liverpool… We didn’t hitchhike. No, we got the train down from Liverpool ‘cause we thought we won’t hitchhike down the first bit. And we got the boat over to Paris. Then we got the train into Paris ‘cause we thought: “Well, it’ll be too hard to get a hitch here”. And we just stayed in Paris all week. And eventually… I mean, all the time trying to get out of Paris and make Spain! We never made it, we just flew home at the end. What a lazy hitchhiking Holiday!

“The thing was all the kissing and holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic just to be there and see them even though I was 21 and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing. And they weren’t not mauling at each other, they were just kissing.” - John Lennon

"John’s 21st birthday was a month away, and he knew he was getting money — 100 pounds cash, more than he or Paul had ever seen in their lives. (…) Bob Wooler was party to their planning, and fought with them:

They were bored, and decided they would go away for a month. I thought this was disastrous because they would be away from the scene too long and lose their fans, Fans were very capricious: they moved from one group to another. And anyway, what about the other two members, George Harrison and Pete Best?. What about them, what do they do? We argued a lot about this — we argued in the back room of the grapes pub to a large extent —- and they said ‘Well, we’ll go away for a fortnight only’

(…) Equally, the promoters who paid the Beatles over-the-odds to present them every week had to “lump it” (….). To a man, and woman, they were incensed by it - but John and Paul hadn’t a care. They didn’t mean to be rude about it but basically it was tough shit.

it was tough too on Dot and Cyn, Dot simply had to accept the situation, but Cyn had a greater case of grievance. John was heading off without her when he could so easily gave waited for the art school holidays. (…).

That John was taking Paul, no one else, accentuates the renewed closeness since Stu quit The Beatles. They were the Beatles force, an unstoppable and authentically powerful pair. “Lennon had the attitude”, Wooler said, “and taking his lead from Lennon, McCartney could be similar. At times they reminded me of those well-to-do Chicago lads Leopold and Loeb, who killed someone because they felt superior to him. Lennon and McCartney were superior human beings”

"You’d always see them together, in the pub or walking along the street", says Johnny Gustafson of the Big Tree. "They were a duo, and seemed each other’s equal". Bernie Boyle, the young lad hanging around with them at every opportunity, says, "They were like brothers, with John as the elder and Paul’s mentor. They were so tight it was like there was a telepathy between them: on stage, they’d look at each other and know instinctively what the other was thinking"

They were brothers. They were the Nerk Twins, and now they were taking a break from The Beatles and gofin off to Spain. 

Gustafson happened to bump into them the day they left, Saturday, September 30. “They both had bowler hats on, with the usual leather jackets and jeans. They said they were off to Paris, so I walked down to Lime Street station and watched them go. They were an incredible pair: always great fun, irreverent and so close. - Mark Lewisohn, Tune In: The Beatles: All These Years (2013)

As was written in this post: That last picture is one Paul took of John sleeping in Paris. From what I remember of a performance he did of ‘Here Today’, and earlier comments, this picture hangs framed on a wall in Paul’s house.

Unconfirmed quote (may or may not be true): 

"He must have been fond of me to spend that money. He let me have all the banana milkshakes I wanted.”  - Paul McCartney

In January 1964, only a few scant weeks before the Beatles took America by storm, the band mates settled in for an extended stay in Paris. For the group, the Parisian visit proved to be a magical experience, with the Beatles playing 18 shows at the Olympia Theatre between Jan. 16 and Feb. 4 (source).

The Beatles were staying at the George V Hotel at the time. John and Paul composed "Can't Buy Me Love", "I Should Have Known Better" and "If I Fell" on the piano.

The photo Paul took of John (in the "Eyes Of The Storm" book):

1966: Paul, his girlfriend Maggie McGivern, John and Brian Epstein spend 5 days in Paris. "All of them flew into France separately — Lennon had been filming abroad and Epstein had been away on business. Maggie and Paul, she says, traveled apart ‘as part of keeping the relationship secret’. During the five-day trip the foursome stayed at the same Paris hotel where she and Paul shared a luxury suite. ‘It was a marvelous holiday,’ she says. ‘. . . just walking around the streets of Paris.‘My abiding memory is of me, John and Paul lying under the Eiffel Tower, gazing up at it. We couldn’t go up because we would have been recognised, and we were masters at the art of avoiding people." [x]

1969:

Hoping to get married in France, John Lennon and Yoko Ono flew to Paris on this day [16th March].

The couple had decided to marry on 14 March 1969, two days after the wedding of Paul McCartney to Linda Eastman; whether it was in response to this event on some level is open to conjecture.

On McCartney’s wedding day Lennon and Ono were travelling to Poole in Dorset, where he introduced her to his Aunt Mimi. During the journey he asked his chauffeur Les Anthony to go to Southampton to enquire about the possibility of the wedding being held at sea, on the cross-channel ferry to France.

(source)

“On March 12, Paul married Linda Eastman at Marylebone Register Office in London, amid scenes of hysterical grief from his female fans. None of the other Beatles was present. The news reached John as he and Yoko were driving down to visit Aunt Mimi in Poole. Yoko’s divorce decree had become final a few weeks earlier, and, in a resurgence of Beatle copycat, John told her they, too, must get married as soon as possible” - Philip Norman, John Lennon: The Life (2008)

"We chose Gibraltar because it is quiet, British and friendly. We tried everywhere else first. I set out to get married on the car ferry and we would have arrived in France married, but they wouldn’t do it. We were no more successful with cruise ships. We tried embassies, but three weeks’ residence in Germany or two weeks’ in France were required." - John Lennon

1974:

“After a late lunch, Linda launched into a long paean to the joys of living in England. When she was finished, she turned to John and said, “Don’t you miss England?”

“Frankly,” John replied, “I miss Paris.””

— May Pang, Loving John (1983)

1978:

Wings album "London Town" is released. It includes the song "Cafe on the Left Bank", the lyrics of which clearly refer to John and Paul's trip to Paris.

Late 1970s (maybe 1978?): John is singing to Paul about Paris in a home recording. Longer version

1970s: John writes "Skywriting by Word of Mouth", a book that would be released in 1986. One story is about sex he had with a woman in Paris. Here it is. As anon noticed here: "...the woman is called Amie L'Nitrate and Amyl Nitrate is a reference to poppers. He talks about grabbing her 'pomme de frites.' Her potatoes? He uses the term 'tread lightly on some loafers' which is an old euphenism for being gay. Amie says they should have sex to God Only Knows. Then John says their relationship ended in a seething rage but he still thinks of 'her.'" @sgtsaltsband concluded in the same post: "so he writes a story about PARIS ( where he and paul went on a trip for his 21st bday and never stopped talking about it ) , in the HOTEL where the Beatles stayed later on [Hotel V in 1964] , names the girl after POPPERS ( a drug commonly used by gay men during sex ) , the girl wants to have sex to PAULS fave song and he uses this PHRASE." Also: this is an excerpt of the story:

"Boogie" is a slang word for sex or dance (also, "Born to Boogie" is a 1972 movie starring Marc Bolan, Elton John and Ringo Starr). "Band on the Run" is a Paul McCartney and Wings' album which John loved. "Sue you sue me" can be a reference to to the Beatles' legal and business disputes and the fact that Paul sued John, George and Ringo in December 1970, and to "Sue Me, Sue You Blues", a song by George.

(thank you @menlove for uploading the story and pointing out interesting words!)

1994 - Paul inducting John to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:

“And then on your 21st birthday you got £100 off one of your rich relatives up in Edinburgh, so we decided we’d go to Spain. So we hitch-hiked out of Liverpool. And we got as far as Paris, and decided to stop there for a week. And eventually got our haircut, by a fellow named Jürgen, and that ended up being the ‘Beatle haircut’.”

I also remember watching an interview with Paul about his album "Memory Almost Full" (2007). Thank you for adding, @ringompreg!

(it's like 7 minutes in) Interviewer: There is a very beautiful song called "The End Of The End", the way you talk about your whole ending, and the lyric goes: "It's a start of a journey to a much better place." You mean, better than England? Paul: It's basically a start of a journey to France. Or Spain through France. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a much better place, Paris.

Also worth mentoning:

"All You Need Is Love" begins with La Marseillaise.

"Picasso's Last Words (Drink To Me)" contains French-language speech by BBC broadcaster Pierre Le Sève.

Bonus

[supernovafics]

𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄

"i'll be there for you" universe masterlist

pairing: bestfriend!roommate!steve harrington x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k words

warnings: explicit language, some mentions of alcohol, parent drama (both reader’s and steve’s parents suck)

summary: in which your parents and steve’s come over for dinner 

author's note: this has absolutely nothing to do with the harry styles song but the title of it is just very fitting so yeah<33 i’ve been rewatching a lot of gilmore girls this fall season so i feel like that's helped me get the hang of writing awkward/tense dinners with family lol so this needed to be done

general note: everything in this universe/series can be read as standalone oneshots but to understand the full “lore” it would prob be best to read the other stuff too<333

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Fall 1985

When your and Steve’s parents first suggested this “early Thanksgiving dinner,” you thought that it wouldn’t actually happen. 

The initial idea sounded pretty funny to you— your parents and Steve’s parents would have a full on dinner at your apartment a week before the actual holiday. Yeah, right.

It sounded like the kind of idea that parents that really cared about spending time with their children would have, and that wasn’t how you’d necessarily describe yours or Steve’s. 

A month ago, when they told you about the ski trip the four of them were going on during the entire week of Thanksgiving, you expected to just not see them probably until Christmas— and that felt like a bit of relief to you because spending time with your parents wasn’t your favorite hobby.  

But then you remembered how, only during the holidays, your parents always had a need to show, or maybe more so “prove” to themselves, that they actually cared about you. So, of course, they wouldn’t let this stupid holiday go, and instead they thought that it would be best if you all did something early and together. 

And sadly, none of the immediate excuses that you and Steve came up with worked because your moms had solutions for everything.

When you told yours that the kitchen in the apartment was too small to cook for this kind of elaborate dinner, she simply told you that they’d buy and bring all of the food and you and Steve wouldn’t have to cook at all. She also not-so-jokingly mentioned that she would’ve never trusted either of you two cooking anyway.

And when Steve told his mom that the current dining table you two had was way too small to fit all six of you, she promptly had one ordered and delivered to your door in just a week. It was an expensive dark wood set that could comfortably fit six people, and you and Steve spent hours struggling to build it the day it showed up at your front door. It took up an obscene amount of space, but it did actually look kind of nice.

Now it was weeks later and the dreaded night was finally here, but you still tried to come up with any way to avoid it from happening. 

“And we’re sure that we really can’t get out of doing this tonight?” You asked Steve as you folded the blanket that was lying half-hazardly on the couch. “I could call my mom and say that we’ve somehow fallen tragically ill in the last hour?”

“I’m ninety-five percent sure that they’re all already on their way.”

“Shit.”

“It’ll be fine,” Steve said, and then he considered his words. “Actually, it will probably suck, but overall, we will be fine.” 

You let out a sigh and placed the now folded blanket back on the couch and then started cleaning off the coffee table, stacking the random magazines in a neat pile and then adjusting Harold’s cage so that it was nicely in the center. Your and Steve’s shared pet hamster was currently nibbling on the food that you had put in his bowl only moments ago. 

An abrupt feeling of worry shot through you as you looked around the apartment. The place was clean— probably the cleanest it had ever been— since you and Steve had spent the day doing everything to avoid either of your parents saying anything bad about the place. However, in the grand scheme of things, you knew that it didn’t matter because they’d still hate the apartment. They would hate how you two decided to furnish and decorate it, and they would passive aggressively make fun of the place for however long this dinner would have to be.

“Let’s try not to think about how bad this night is gonna be and just be glad that we’re not gonna have to suffer alone, like usual,” Steve said, practically reading your mind and the look on your face, as he started setting plates out on the new table. 

He was completely right. This was the first time that a collective Thanksgiving was happening among all of you. Usually, it was just you alone with your parents in Chicago visiting family members that you never talked to, and Steve was doing the same exact thing except he was in Indianapolis. You’d always end up calling each other at the end of the night from the hotel or family house you were staying at, and you’d tell each other stories about whatever weird family members you encountered or how boring it all was. 

It did make things feel a bit better that, for once, you didn’t have to go through this alone and neither did Steve.

“You’re right,” You said with a nod and then smiled. “We’ll be going through this shitshow together.”

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door and since Steve was closer he went to answer it. You took one brief and final look around the apartment before heading toward the door too, so Steve didn’t have to be by himself in this greeting.

“Hi,” He said when he opened the door and saw all of your parents standing there. There was a bright smile on his face and he effortlessly turned on that “Steve Harrington charm” that people had adored in high school— you hadn’t even gone to the same high school as him, but you still heard so many of the stories.

A chorus of Hi’s and Hello’s were heard as your moms entered the apartment first since they were carrying all of the food and your dads followed in right behind them.

“I still hate that you moved into a place that doesn’t have a front doorman, or, at least, a buzzer system,” Were your dad’s first words to you; deciding against saying the simple “How are you?” that you had expected. “You two should get a better lock on your door.”

You laughed a bit. “We live in Hawkins, not New York, Dad. I don’t think anyone is really itching to rob us anytime soon.” 

“Anything can happen,” He responded, looking at you seriously. “I’ll bring you a new one when we get back from Colorado.”

You only nodded at his words instead of saying anything to rebut them; you knew that he overall meant well. “Okay.”

Your attention turned to your mom and she pulled you into a hug that felt way too forced before pulling away and giving you a quick onceover. “Oh… Is that what you’re wearing?”

You thought that your outfit was fine; a V-neck navy blue knit sweater that was a bit cropped and a simple pair of black jeans. But, your mom always managed to find something wrong with everything, so this reaction to your current outfit didn’t necessarily surprise you; it did still annoy you all the same, though.

“Oh, um, no I was just about to change,” You told her and forced a small smile.

She nodded at that. “Okay, that’s good, that’s good. You go change while Christine and I get the table set up.”

You started heading toward your room but looked back at Steve first. He was in a conversation with his parents that looked like they were doing much more of the talking than him. As if sensing your gaze on him, his eyes met yours and he gave you a hopeful look and that was enough to make you feel a little better.

It didn’t take long for you to change. You kept your sweater on but traded your jeans for the long black silk skirt that your mom had always liked on you. You hoped this slightly different outfit would be enough to satisfy her, and if not, you were willing to suffer through her inevitable look of disappointment. 

You lingered in your room, tidying up your desk for no particular reason and then deciding to remake your bed. It was clear that you were stalling, avoiding having to face your parents again, and as much as you wanted to continue doing that, you also didn’t want to leave Steve to fend for himself. You were supposed to be suffering together, after all. 

You immediately noticed the dining table when you walked out of your bedroom. The food was now nicely set out and there were even brown placemats sitting underneath the plates that Steve had already set out. It was all set up in a way that would’ve felt nice and wholesome if either of your families had ever remotely felt like the ones portrayed in most TV shows or movies. But, they weren’t anywhere close to being like that, so this all just felt weirdly forced.

Of course, you didn’t say that, though.

Instead, you sat down with everyone at the table and desperately hoped that the next few hours of your life would breeze by. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“From the brochure, the pictures of the cabin look really great. We hope it actually looks that way in person,” Steve’s mom, Christine, said. 

You took another bite of the mac and cheese on your plate as you continued to listen to your parents talk about their ski trip that was happening next week, which they had been doing for the last twenty minutes and you fully didn’t mind it. Since the conversation wasn’t centered on either you or Steve, things actually didn’t feel tense or nervewracking. If you could just make your parents talk about themselves during the entire dinner, you would probably end the night with a smile on your face. 

“Oh, and there are a lot of bedrooms too,” Your mom chimed in before taking another sip from the wine glass in her hand. “Maybe you two could take a trip up there soon and invite your friends to go too.” 

“Yeah, that would be nice,” You said with a small nod.

“Enough talking about the trip, though, that’s probably so boring for your kids to hear about,” Your dad said, and you internally sighed because you knew the exact direction the conversation was about to go in. You felt him look at you. “How’s school been going? The semester is almost over.”

“It’s been good,” You answered, keeping your response short and sweet. You decided not to mention that you really couldn’t care less about the majority of your classes because none of what you were doing in any of them felt like it really mattered. 

“Okay, and your grades and everything are fine, right?”

You only nodded in response to his question, hoping that your lack of actual words would signal to him that you wanted to bring an end to this topic of conversation. Of course, that was only wishful thinking.

“That’s good,” Your mom said. “You have to make sure your grades stay like how they were in high school, or even better, for when you transfer to the University of Chicago. We don’t want to have any reason for them not to accept you again.” 

You suddenly felt like you were right back in middle school and high school, where your conversations with your parents solely revolved around school; what your grades were, if you were doing your homework and completing assignments on time, and studying for tests. It always annoyed you that the only times they would bother to pay attention to you was when it came to that stuff. Other than that, you were always seemingly an afterthought, never a bigger priority than their jobs. 

In a way, this entire conversation should’ve been expected; it was always inevitable. Pretty much anytime you talked to your parents in recent months, the discussion always seemed to circle its way back to that school and you going there in two years instead of right now, like they had wanted you to.

“I’m still so surprised that you decided to not go to the University of Chicago now,” Christine said and you turned your attention to her. It was starting to feel a bit painful to you that the subject still hadn’t changed yet. “When Steve told me that you were going to go to the community college close by, I couldn’t believe it, honestly.”

You noticed your parents share a look upon hearing her words. The mix of disappointment and annoyance toward you that was shared between them in that moment felt palpable. 

“I didn’t think it was time to leave Indiana just yet. I’ll be going soon, though,” You said, keeping your voice light and plastering on a fake smile, even though all you wanted to do in that moment was leave the table and hideout in your bathroom for the rest of the night. 

You saw your dad smile a little and then you also noticed the look of relief wash over your mom’s face. For some stupid reason, you still felt the need to make them feel pleased with you. And somehow that made you feel even more upset with yourself than anything they had said to you so far tonight. 

The only thing that managed to make things feel remotely tolerable right then was Steve sitting across from you, giving you a look that said, “Everything will be okay.” For the time being, you chose to believe him and you simply took another bite of your food. 

You were about to say something about how good the turkey was so your moms would start talking about the restaurant they got all of the food from and why they chose it— you were sure that there was some story behind it all— and that would finally bring an end to the college conversation. But, before a word could leave your mouth, Steve’s dad began speaking. 

“Well, at least, you’re in college. We can’t say the same for Steve here.” He then looked at his son. “Do you really want to work at a video store for the rest of your life?”

 Christine let out a sigh. “Jeff.”

“What?” He shrugged as if his previous question wasn’t completely condescending. “I’m just asking a question.”

“I’m actually starting at the community college next semester,” Steve told his parents and you tried to hide your immediate confusion. “I found out I got in a few days ago.”

“Well, that’s great,” Christine said happily, and Jeff smiled approvingly as well. 

You had no idea Steve had gotten in or even applied, and you wondered if he was lying right then to just get his parents off his back, but you couldn’t tell. Something about the way he said it honestly felt pretty real. The only part that didn’t feel real was that you were finding out during this dumb dinner instead of at any other time. 

“So, I was wondering,” Your mom began and you braced yourself for the impact of whatever she was going to say. “Why did you two decide to get a hamster? I feel like it makes things smell a bit funny in here…”

A part of you was glad that the conversation finally shifted away from college. But you didn’t think that the passive aggressive comments toward the apartment would begin with Harold. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Well, this night was fucking brutal.”

You let out a sigh. “You took the words right out of my mouth.”

Steve was doing the dishes as you put what was left of the food into tupperwares and then put them in the fridge. Surprisingly, it was a lot of stuff leftover; your moms definitely went overboard with the amount they had ordered. You and Steve already made plans to invite Robin and Eddie over tomorrow to have some of these leftovers.

“I’m actually glad that the dessert tasted bad since it made them want to leave early.”

“It was honestly a bit bittersweet because I was kind of excited for that pie,” You said as you placed the final tupperware of food into the fridge and then went over to Steve. “Oh, and also,” You punched his arm and ignored his immediate “ouch.” “Why the hell didn’t you tell me that the stars have finally managed to align and we’ll finally be going to the same school for the first time ever?”

He smiled a little at your dramatics. “I didn’t wanna make a big deal out of it just in case I somehow didn’t end up getting in. I swear I was gonna tell you tomorrow.”

“So, you did all of that annoying application stuff by yourself?”

“Robin helped me with it.”

“I would’ve been happy to help you,” You told him, and maybe you were being a bit overdramatic, but you actually felt slightly offended that he hadn’t wanted to come to you about this. 

The possibility of you two going to the same middle or high school was a far out idea that never happened because you lived in different towns. But, it was still something that was adamantly and wistfully talked about by you and him; how much more fun both of your school lives could be if they intersected in that way like the other parts of your lives did. 

Of course, going to the same college would’ve been the most obvious way for it to finally happen, but Steve never seemed that interested in going to college, and up until the last possible second you were being pushed toward Chicago by your parents. 

But now things were finally different.

“I know that you would’ve, but I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone, honestly. Robin saw me working on the application one day and decided to help,” He explained and you only gave him a small nod in response. “I didn’t even think I’d tell my parents about it, but when I heard my dad’s dumb comment about Family Video I felt like I had to say it so he wouldn’t keep looking at me like a disappointment.” He sighed. “And it’s kinda fucked up… I really don’t wanna care what my parents think about me and what I’m doing with my life, but I think there will always be a part of me that does.”

You thought back to your dad’s approving smile and your mom’s relieved look when you reassured them that you still planned to go to the University of Chicago; how much you still wanted to make them feel at least a little proud of you even though you knew you shouldn’t.

“Me too,” You said softly. 

“I’m glad we probably won’t have to see them again until Christmas.”

You sighed. “Apparently, my dad is gonna bring us a new lock for the door when they get back from their trip.”

“Oh,” Steve said and then smiled at you when it looked like he thought of something. “Okay, what are the odds that he’ll just send someone to put the new lock on the door instead of coming himself?”

You thought about it for a second. “Honestly, I’d say there’s a pretty good chance that would happen. He’ll probably be too busy with work after the trip to actually come and do it himself.”

“Okay, let’s hope for that,” He said as he finished washing the last plate and placed it on the drying rack. “So, since the dessert was a bust tonight, do you wanna go to the diner? I’m sure Mary would never fuck up her apple pie. And then when we get back, we can finish that bottle of wine that our moms left.”

You smiled at his suggestion. “You have a brilliant mind, Harrington.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know ur thoughts<333

(requests are open for stuff you wanna see in the universe/series!🫶🏾)

[gretagerwigsmuse]

rocketman: part i - it's just my job five days a week

Summary: in which lieutenant commander bradshaw is on a three month special detachment in the pacific and the holidays have never felt lonelier for either of you. it's just three months, it'll be fine, right?

OR you and bradley write each other 159 emails

Pairing: Rooster x Fem!Reader 11.8k

Warnings: 18+, explicit language, suggestive dialogue, bradley needs to remember this is a government email server...(okay yes, i am perfectly aware that our esteemed lieutenant commander would probably get kicked out of the navy for some of these emails…that being said, i also don’t particularly care! we’re playing fast and loose with the time stamps too because i may be smart, but math has never been a strong suit of mine!) enjoy the companion playlist! rest of the series can be found here!

12/17 @ 6:19am

I miss you already and I haven’t even left the parking lot. I’m still in my car typing this after having stayed for probably far too long watching your C-40 take off (like people were staring at me I was there so long)(and, yes, I looked up the name of the plane). Pete asked me if I wanted to get breakfast with him, but I said no. Felt too lost. Plus, I need to get ready for work. We’re going to get dinner on Wednesday before I head up to Berkeley Thursday morning, though!

Hope you have a safe transport and settle onboard quickly. I left you something in your duffle bag (yes, it’s safe to open around other people…head out of the gutter, Bradshaw).

Love you and stay safe, x

12/18 @ 5:46pm 

Just dropped off the gifts at the Junior League for Caroline’s adopt a child thing. She was completely in her element (they gave her a clipboard and a bullhorn!), though she did say we went wayyy too over the top. But little Carter asked for all that stuff! We couldn’t just not get it all for him? She also appreciated your wrapping skills, very impressed with the bows and tight corners. I met a couple of her friends there, which was nice and they invited me to stay for drinks (the prosecco was flowing��), but I wanted to head home. 

I miss you so much already, it feels weird not going over to your place after work and making dinner and prepping lunch together - and it’s only been two days. I know you’re on a comms blackout for the next couple days, so I’m just gonna keep sending these so you’ll have a bunch to read all at once.

All my love, x

12/19 @ 11:48am

My brother and Lauren decided to come out here for Christmas after all! My dad was so excited when he called me, but I think Mary’s a little less enthused. Feels like shit knowing we were the backup option for them. Apparently, Lauren’s mom is sick and the whole house is in disarray (not hard in that family…) so my dad is paying for them to fly in from New York tomorrow. I think it’ll be nice, we’ll almost have a full set (baring you, of course, my darling rocketman), so the house won’t be as lonely. Do you think we’ll get to talk on Christmas or Christmas Eve? You should be getting a package soon (‘twas preemptively sent!) and are under strict orders not to open it until Christmas Eve, buddy!

Going to dinner with Pete tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes. Amelia’s coming with us, but I don’t know about Penny? I hope they like the gifts we got them. I’m going to stop by your place, do a once over, and make sure the tree is ready for Pete to take, etc. before I leave on Thursday.

Love you and talk soon! x

12/20 @ 7:03am

House looked good! In my seat on the plane. If my morals were shakier, I would 1000% have taken Max up on his offer to fly me up to Berkeley. But alas! Climate change is real and private jets account for 20x as many carbon emissions as commercial planes, so I am up at the ass-crack of dawn for this 7:15am flight. I’ll message you when I land, love you!

12/20 @ 9:04am

Just landed - easy flight. Now to find my dad in arrivals…

Love you, talk when you get the chance! x

12/23 @ 4:45am

Hey sweetheart! Back online and all settled in. I’m bunking with Payback and we actually have a pretty decent layout. He graciously offered to give me the bottom bunk, due to my ‘geriatric status.’ Honestly, I’m just glad I don’t have to sleep in the bunk room with the ensigns and rest of the crew. I forgot how noisy it is being on an aircraft carrier, which makes Payback’s snoring surprisingly pleasant. I’m glad he and Bob are with me. The rest of this squadron’s from Lemoore and Bob knows some of them. It’s interesting seeing him and Payback fly together, but they mesh really well.

Glad Mav is there to keep an eye on you. 

Okay, I had way too much fun picking out all those presents, so I really hope Carter loves them too. And please tell me you have a picture of Caroline yelling into the bullhorn? I can truly think of nothing scarier than Caroline Calloway ordering the young women of San Diego county around like Santa’s chief elf. And speaking of gifts, I loved my pictures. The one from the Christmas party is my favorite, did Fanboy take it? I saw him running around with his Pentax. When the hell did you have time to print it? I’ve got it hanging up in my bunk so I can see it every night. 

I still don’t understand why you don’t fly into Oakland instead of SFO? Like I get it, you’re not a Spirit or SW girl, but kid….it’s an hour and forty minute flight? Live a little. And I think it’ll be nice having your brother and Lauren around for Christmas. How many people do you think it’ll be? I always loved seeing Christmas Eves with large families in movies and stuff, all the chaos and whatnot? But it’s just gonna be you five Christmas Day? I’ve heard rumblings that I might be first in line for a Facetime on Christmas Eve, so save some time for me too, kid. I’ll let you know for sure in a couple days. 

Okay, think we’re all caught up now. Talk soon and love you so much,

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 9:08am

Bubs! I read your email four times since I woke up, I can’t stop smiling. I’m glad you’re all settled in - Reuben’s snoring and ageism aside haha. How’s the food? Do you want earplugs? A sleep mask? Are earplugs allowed for sleeping? What if you need to get up right away and you can’t hear? I could send you a white noise machine? Or is there a fear of hacking with that? I should’ve done more research on this before you left. Tell me if you need anything, I’ll send it out express! Oh, I’m just so happy to hear from you. Keep me posted!

Lots of love, x

12/23 @ 8:53pm

You and me, hot date tomorrow night at 11:45pst - don’t be late. (And look cute.)

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 8:55pm

I’ll be there 😉 Love you, x

12/25 @ 9:56am

Bradley Bradshaw you absolute sneak! How on Earth did you pull a Christmas miracle off!?! Mary said she had no clue, so I’m extremely impressed you got my dad to keep that secret!? I was totally not expecting another present from you? The cooking lessons and apron were more than enough - to say nothing about moving in together!?! I love the bracelet so much, you have no idea. I started crying when I opened it! Mary took a video, which I’m sure she’ll send you. God, Bradley? You didn’t have to do that! It’s perfect, it’s like we’re locked together. I’m gonna wear it everyday. Please email me later if you get the chance! 

(Also, Lauren looked really jealous 😉 my brother was sweating)

Love you and Merry Christmas Rocketman! x

12/25 @ 11:38am

Ummm, not sure what you’re talking about, kid? That sounds like something Santa would do? Probably heard about how good you’ve been this year? x

12/25 @ 11:40am

Thank you, I love it so much and wish I could give you the biggest hug and kiss right now. I’ll have an extra slice of babka for you tonight, talk soon and Merry Christmas, Bradley! Love you x

12/27 @ 4:49am

I miss sleeping next to you. Whenever I can’t sleep, I think about the way you looked at me in the living room after our Christmas party. You looked so happy and I hate that I have to leave you for all our firsts. First Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day. And god, sweetheart, you’re so fucking gorgeous it makes me want to lose my mind sometimes. Always thinking about you, Bradley 

12/27 @ 8:38am

I miss sleeping next to you, too (especially since your body is like a furnace and you hold me close when I get cold). And I know you being away during the holidays is hard, but look at it this way - we’ll just have our firsts next year. Next year will be our first Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day together, not an ocean apart. We have all the time in the world, rocketman. Love you today and every day x

12/29 @ 6:02pm

There’s already so many things I’m dying to tell you and stories about the squadron we’re teaming up with, but the Navy will have my ass if I give away too many details so I’m just going to leave it at this: are we sure Max doesn’t have a twin on another continent? Take that as you will. What’re your plans for New Year’s? Your Bradley

12/30 @ 9:20am

Sorry for the delayed response! A minor issue with my brother and my dad that I won’t bore you with had the whole house in a tizzy. Thankfully, he and Lauren are gone even though my dad still won’t tell me what the issue was? Anyway! God, I wish I could hear more about Max’s twin? I am honestly kind of scared about knowing there’s a Max doppelgänger in the Navy (jokes!). For New Year’s, I’m going to this party with Mary and dad in the city, it’s at this fancy venue and I have a cute black dress! It’s very different for me and I wish you were here to see it! I’ll have to wear it again. Message me when it’s the New Year your time! Love you! x

01/01 @ 12:09am

Happy New Year, sweetheart! They had a little party for the officers - we even got cake and Bob snuck me and Payback seconds somehow. It’s always the quiet ones you gotta look out for. You absolutely need to send me pictures of you in that dress, I can’t wait to see it on you in person someday. Hope you have a great time with your dad and Mary, give them my best. Love you and again Happy New Year! 

Your Bradley

01/01 @ 12:01am

Happy New Year, Bradley!!! You got cake!! You broke some rules! I approve! Milk them for all the cake they’re worth! I’ll send some pics of the three of us and one just for you big boy 😉 Talk soon and love you so so much! x

01/01 @ 10:59am

Had a late start! Here are the pics from last night! Try and sneak some more cake xx

[mary_and_dad_being_annoying.jpg]

[me.jpg]

01/02 @ 6:12am

You know you labeled the pictures wrong…luckily no one was behind me…

01/02 @ 9:04am

Who? Me? I would NEVER! (Just trying to keep you on your toes.) Hope the flying is going well and you’re staying safe, B! Love you!

01/03 @ 8:00pm

Yeah, it’s going well. It’s so different flying on the open ocean after so long? Last time was in September when I went to Hong Kong. The desert is cool, don’t get me wrong, but seeing the clouds and the water together is unreal. The pink and purple clouds remind me of you (sorry, that was lame). You still gotta let me take you up, kid. I’ve heard Mav is trying to convince you, but you gotta let me be the one. Can’t trust just anyone with my girl. Love B

01/04 @ 10:13am

Bradley…he’s practically your father, I’m pretty sure you can trust him to take me up in a plane, you silly boy. Not that I’m saying you won’t be my first…but come on! And it’s not lame. I like that the pink and purple clouds remind you of me. Every time I see a plane I send a little call out for your safety. Gotta keep you safe, rocketman! Talk soon and love you! x

01/06 @ 4:45pm

My parents just dropped me off at the airport and no matter how many times I leave them, I always cry. I think the only time I didn’t cry when I left their house was when you were with me over Thanksgiving. You always make it better, bubs.

They’re coming down in a couple weeks to help me start packing, anything in the house you wouldn’t want them to see while dropping off boxes? I can still bring my old bed, etc for the guest room, right?

All my love, x

01/06 @ 9:58pm

I think I get that, having you around this time makes it different. I’ve never had anyone to really write to while I’ve been away before. Sure, I talked to my grandparents when they were still around and my aunts and uncles, Nat, Ice, and a couple others, but not like this. And I don’t ever want to not feel like this again. 

I’m an open book, kid. Ain’t got nothing to hide. And yeah, anything like that feel free to bring with you for the guest room or office. It was the bed, nightstands, and dresser and then your couch for the office, yeah? We can get new bedding and pillows for it if you want? I’m on comms blackout for a couple days, so message me whenever you want so I can read them all when we’re back online.

Your Bradley

01/06 @ 10:07pm

Perfect! Love you and stay safe, rocketman.

01/06 @ 10:09pm

Love you too, kid.

01/09 @ 6:11pm

Bradley, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there was a raccoon in your garage! Scratch that, a FAMILY of raccoons!??! I’m sure Mr Harrington was ready to call the cops when he heard my scream. They’re so cute, but also terrifying at the same time? So, I called Pete and he came right over, a true knight in shining armor! Amelia and I did a THOROUGH sweep of the house to make sure they were relegated to the garage. Pete got them out safe and sound with a random tennis racket and your 4 iron, but somebody’s coming tomorrow to check on how they got in there. And I know they aren’t hurting anyone, but I just don’t want there to be any issues later on? (The babies were actually so cute and reminded me of my cat growing up, Porter.) Anyway! Enough drama for tonight, I hope that gets a laugh out of you - talk soon!

Love you! x

01/10 @ 8:05am

Well, the exterminator got here around 7:30 and sprayed all this stuff and blocked the hole in the crawl space of the garage. He showed me pictures and let me tell you, there was quite the nest up there. These raccoons were living large over the holidays. 

01/12 @ 5:21pm

Okay! I’m in the parking lot, waiting for my first cooking class to start. Is it weird I’m a little nervous? I hope everyone else’s skill level is similar, I don’t like feeling behind. I brought my new apron, ironed it and everything. I feel a little like Ina Garten, isn’t she just divine? Okay, okay, I’m going in now! I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks again for getting me these xx

01/12 @ 7:03pm

I feel so tired? Like my hand cramped a little bit? We started off the class with knife skills, which we’re going to do every week and then made this “simple” egg dish, which was NOT simple and I overcooked the egg. Ina would be so disappointed. Alas! Onto next week. Love you!

01/15 @ 9:12pm

Bradley you’re not going to BELIEVE what just happened on Succession. My heart is POUNDING? Do you think if I called and asked really nicely the Navy would get an HBO subscription for everyone? That is what I would like my tax dollars to go towards. Can you get me a direct line to someone in charge please? Love you!

01/16 @ 7:47am

Not to worry my little Barefoot Contessa, I have returned back to civilization (ie the internet), though am dismayed to have missed this mind blowing Succession episode? Has Perry Mason started back up again or will we be able to watch that together? 

Bob and I were in the gym earlier and he almost dropped a dumbbell on my foot, I swear my life flashed before my eyes. But I had a new PR on the bench press today, up to 285 pounds. Glad the cooking lesson went well though! What’s the class makeup like? x Bradley 

01/16 @ 9:04am

I’m glad you’re back online and safe! Perry Mason has not started yet, though I’m still certain you’re the only person under the age of 55 that watches it (I guess I should say we’re the only people under the age of 55 that watch it, but whatever). You’ve also missed a couple Top Chef episodes, but we can always binge this season later. 

There’s about 12 of us in the class and it’s pretty evenly split? Though there’s tragically this really annoying couple who were at the station next to me. I hope we get to change next week, I don’t think I can watch them feed each other food another week. 

And I’m still waiting for that direct line to the Navy, Bradshaw! Love you! x

01/1 6 @ 6:59pm

Wait, wait, how did I miss there? There was a WHAT in my garage? A raccoon? Multiple raccoons? We need to get a dog or a cat or something. x Bradley 

01/18 @ 7:02am

Bradley!! I know we talked about a trip once you got home (provided you still feel up for it with the transition and all), what if we went here? I was talking about our tentative plans with my dad and Mary before I went back to San Diego and they went to Punta Mita this past fall and LOVED it! What do you think? Love you!

01/18 @ 6:03pm

Holy shit! That looks absolutely amazing, yes I’d love to go! Can we afford that though? It looks expensive? xBradley

01/18 @ 6:05pm

YAY!! Ahh, I’m so excited you have no idea! I want to hug and kiss you so bad right now! We can fly for free since I have a bunch of AA points (thank you pwc) and then I have like a million Amex points, so it’s not full price!! 

01/18 @ 6:12pm

When you say ‘like a million’ do you actually mean a million or?

01/18 @ 6:14pm

Yes! I’ve had this card for like 15 years! My whole family does the pooling on it! It’s a drop in the bucket, promise! Plus, I always use my other card for work and that has a whole bunch of Bonvoy points on it, too. We could stay at one of those? I think there’s a St Regis next door?

01/18 @ 6:22pm

Sweetheart, I want to go, I just don’t want you to waste all those points on this. 

01/18 @ 6:26pm

What if we go for 6 nights instead of 9? Maybe no plunge pool? Or we could pay cash instead? And then I could get 6x the points from paying that way? So, really….the points just keep accumulating, we’ve got to use them sometime! The points can pay for the flights and the hotel and then we can split the room charges and incidentals 50:50?

Will you think about it? You don’t have to give me an answer right away and we can always pick another hotel? But if we want to go someplace in late March/early April, I think we should book soon with spring break and all? Not that I imagine many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, but you never know…

01/18 @ 6:33pm

You gotta send me a ppt on all this points stuff, you know math stresses me out. And no, I don’t think many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, kid. 

01/18 @ 6:37pm

Can I send you a dossier with everything!?! Even if you say no to that I’m doing it anyway ;) just promise me you’ll think about it, please? I’ll do whatever you want, Bradley <3

01/18 @ 6:40pm

Yes, please send the dossier my way henceforth, Moneypenny. 

And you’ll do whatever I want, huh? Might have to send you a dossier of my own now…

(But yes, I promise I’ll seriously consider everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to spend all this money to make me happy. I’d say we’d both be happy camping out on the beach, but I think that might be a security issue down there, plus neither of us like camping - anyway, you know what I mean.)

01/18 @ 6:43pm

Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw!! Is this a dossier for my eyes only? What will M say!? I’ll send you mine if you send me yours?

(But seriously, thank you! I’ll send you more specifics tomorrow - like pricing and whatnot - and you can take a couple days to think it over. And thank you for clarifying the camping thing, I was worried for a second there.)

I love you so much rocketman and we’ll talk (email) tomorrow 

x Moneypenny 

01/18 @ 6:46pm

I’d say ‘sleep tight,’ but that’s a given considering you haven’t been fucked in a couple weeks. 

(Perfect, I genuinely am really excited about it, just want to make sure it works out for us both.)

Love you so much, kid 

Your Bradley

01/18 @ 6:58pm

Bradley Bradshaw!! You did not just say that over a government email server! 

Imissyourcocksobadlyit’sdrivingmeinsane

01/18 @ 7:01pm

Couldn’t help it. Plus, we both know it’s true. 

01/18 @ 7:04pm

Oh, shut up. Shut me up

01/18 @ 11:43pm

I’m sorry if I came off too strong about planning earlier, I might’ve gotten a little carried away and been a little too eager about planning something five days after you’re home from a three month detachment. If at any time before you come home or even right after you come home you don’t feel up to the trip, please please please tell me. I want to do something nice for you and give you a chance to truly relax, but I’d hate for it to come at a price. So, just let me know, okay? Say the word and we’ll push it, alright? I don’t exactly know what you’re going through, but tell me if it’s ever too much. I’ll always be here, promise. Love you x

[dossier_for_your_eyes_only.ppt]

01/19 @ 8:29am

Kid, no. I promise I’ll tell you. You know I love how excited you get planning things. I think I like it so much because you take care of it all. Sure, you ask for my opinion and what I want, but I just have to tell you one thing, one idea and you take care of it. 

Funny though, isn’t it? How it’s totally opposite in the other side of our relationship? You tell me one thing, one idea and I take care of all of it? Bet it’s hard for you not having someone around to do that for you? Maybe next time we Facetime we can talk more about that? x B

01/19 @ 10:11am

Luckily, I have a very creative imagination, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw. 

See right now, I’m in my office, sitting at my desk, feeling so overwhelmed. It almost hurts how overwhelmed and frustrated I am. And you bust down the door, hair windswept like you’d flown to Del Mar, and you have that slutty flight suit on and I don’t even mind that you’re sweaty and gross. You smell absolutely divine and I rake my hands through your hair as you eat me out underneath my glass desk. I get a conference call, but you don’t stop the entire time. You like how squirmy and fussy I get, I can’t focus on the deliverable I’m working on for the client. You like that I can’t control myself, that I squeeze my thighs around your head. Eventually, you can’t take it anymore, your cock is aching so badly, and you need to fuck me on top of my desk. You’re so strong it almost breaks. You fuck me so good everyone in the office can hear me crying out for you. 

(actually, I’m on the couch, watching college football, but it’s more fun to imagine you fucking me in my office - see, creative imagination! Make sure you get a quiet room for that Facetime...)

Love x

01/19 @ 7:29pm

You think you’re funny, huh? You have any more of those thoughts, feel free to send them my way. ‘m taking out that picture you gave me for Christmas right now. How you taking care of yourself? My imagination isn’t as creative as yours. B

01/19 @ 7:40pm

Guess you’ll have to wait for our next Facetime…

x

01/20 @ 4:24pm

Your dad and Mary write me emails, you know. They aren’t as good correspondents as you are (for how could they possibly be, my dear?), but they check in about once a week or so. Mary sends me some of the articles she gives her students and talks about the show she’s watching with your dad. Your dad mainly talks about you. It makes me wish my parents were still around to do this stuff with me. Just checking in and writing emails and bragging about me to my girlfriend? How was yesterday’s class?

Your Bradley

01/20 @ 5:39m

I didn’t know they wrote you that often and I’m beyond embarrassed that my dad talks about me that much? But come on, Bradley…you have someone who does that, too? He’s about 5’8” (on a good day), looks great in a leather jacket, and just spent about two hours last weekend cleaning your gutters and telling me about how you won your high school’s debate scholarship?? Like how could you not tell me that? It’s literally one of the hottest things I’ve heard about you!

Class was good! They taught us a trick to cut onions without crying and one of the other girls complimented my apron! We’re doing meats next week, cutting, marinating, cooking, etc. and I’m excited!

01/20 @ 5:42pm

Oh gee, I bet it’s just awful for you to have Mav around all the time. Knight in shining armor…

01/20 @ 5:48pm

He’s not a bother! And it’s not all the time! We’re actually going to get lunch together on Saturday! It’s this new place on the water.

01/20 @ 5:50pm

Sounds like a cute little date! You’ll have to tell me how he is. Love you so much B

01/20 @ 5:55pm

I’ll keep ya posted, bubs! Love you!

01/22 @ 10:01am

Breaking news, kid. Your esteemed, naval aviator boyfriend is going to be on 60 Minutes at the end of February. Totally came out of left field, but I couldn’t say anything until they finished filming. It’s about the Navy in the Pacific and “the lost art of shipbuilding.” They even rigged up a camera on my plane and everything, it was so cool. I’ve been dying to tell you, but again couldn’t say anything until it was official. I probably won’t be on it long since they interviewed the Admiral and Pac Fleet Commander for most of it, but yeah, Payback and Bob and I will be on with my girl Norah. I made sure I had enough sunscreen on so I was camera ready at all times. Love you B

01/22 @ 10:09am

YOU’RE FUCKING SHITTING ME????? Oh my god, Bradley! That’s amazing! Margie even ran into my office to see what made me shriek! I am TOTALLY having a viewing party! Oh my god, how do you think it went? Did they get your good side? What about hair and makeup? I know you get helmet hair, bubs. 

Seriously, so so excited and proud of you, Bradley! I’m going to make my dad and Mary come down for it! She doesn’t teach on Mondays, so this is perfect for them to stay over Sunday night! But now don’t go letting all that fame get to your head, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw 😉 Love you so much x

01/24 @ 12:17pm

Rocketman - 

I was sitting at my desk earlier and listening to some music before my 12:30 meeting and Elton John’s Rocket Man popped up on my shuffle. Obviously, as you are my rocketman, I always think of you whenever I hear it, but today the lyrics really scratched that special part of my brain, so I did a deep dive into the song’s origins. 

Please note, I’m including this time in my billable hours to the client (re. you). My findings are as follows:

Bernie Taupin was inspired by a Ray Bradbury story written in 1951 titled ‘The Rocket Man’ - not drugs as the urban legend states! Drugs! Imagine!

Bradbury’s ‘The Rocket Man’ was first published in Maclean’s, a weekly Canadian magazine, before it was published in the short story collection ‘The Illustrated Man’ that same year

‘The Illustrated Man’ later was made into a film, though ‘The Rocket Man’ story was notably absent

Some of more popular and renowned stories from the collection include ‘The Veldt’ and ‘The Long Rain,’ the latter of which is commonly read in high school honors English

Was client in honors English? Please confirm in follow up correspondence

Client has mentioned extensive library resources at disposal - perhaps he can check this collection out on his next visit? But for now, an executive summary has been provided:

With space travel more commonplace in society, Doug’s father, an astronaut, is sent on frequent, three- month journeys into space

Despite missing his dad, Doug also longs to be a Rocket Man, though his mother frequently prevails on Doug to beg his father to stay on Earth and be with the family

“What’s it like, out in space?” Mother shot me a frightened glance. It was too late. Dad stood there for a full half minute trying to find an answer, then he shrugged.“It’s the best thing in a lifetime of best things.” Then he caught himself. “Oh, it’s really nothing at all. Routine. You wouldn’t like it.” He looked at me, apprehensively. “But you always go back.” “Habit.”

The father finds that his work is ruining his life, but the draw of the stars is too great: "You don’t know what it is. Every time I’m out there I think, if I ever get back to Earth I’ll stay there; I’ll never go out again. But I got out, and I guess I’ll always go out.”

Even while on vacation with the family, having Thanksgiving dinner, or sitting on the back porch, the father’s eyes are always on the sky…

Doug’s father begs him to not be like him, to not be a rocket man, but what happens when his father goes on one last journey to the stars?

Through much reflection, I have decided that ‘The Rocket Man’ was written about you - and your mom and your dad and me and on and on until there is no longer a need for Rocket Men - or the rocket man simply stops and breaks the cycle

You are both the Rocket Man and the little boy, forever waiting for his father to come home from space

The allure of flying, of being a ‘rocket man,’ is both too great and too sad for you to ignore

None of this is to say the rocket man is selfish, no. He simply cannot resist the temptation. He knows nothing other than the thrill and peace of being amongst the stars

And his mother shielding Doug from the sun at the end is like your mom asking Mav to pull your papers, she does it to save him, but it cannot keep him from becoming his father

Needless to say - I had to postpone my 12:30 meeting until tomorrow as my eyes were far too puffy and any word I tried to say felt like cotton in my mouth.

I miss you and I love you - your ‘Lilly’  

01/24 @ 8:22pm

Fuck - I love you so much. My clever girl.

01/24 @ 8:28pm

I pour my heart out to you and that’s all you have to say, rocketman? ‘Fuck - I love you so much’

(of course, I also love you so much, my clever boy.)

01/24 @ 8:30pm

Darling - it’s going to take me a little longer to come up with any commentary you deem appropriate, so for the sake of time, yes. I gotta read this story in full. I’ll be at the library at my earliest convenience. ‘The client’ will send an annotated copy with his notes henceforth.

01/24 @ 8:32pm

Of course, sweet boy. Goodnight, I love you so much. x

01/25 @ 11:44am

As promised, my darling girl. Love you.

[b.bradshaw_the rocket man_final paper.pdf]

01/25 @ 7:14pm

Oh Bradley! I love you so much, rocketman. Yes, I couldn’t have said it better. Yours x

01/26 @ 10:39am

Bradley! They’re sending me to London in February for two weeks! I even get a swanky corporate apartment for the stay. I wish you could come with me - even if it was just for a long weekend? We could go to all my favorite restaurants and afternoon tea and for walks in all the parks. One day it’ll work out! 

But tragedy of all tragedies! I just realized I’m going to miss a couple cooking lessons when I’m in London! I already emailed the instructor before today’s class and she said there’s other classes throughout the week that are behind us, so I can make it up with them! Ahhh I’m so excited! Talk soon, love you!

01/26 @ 11:13pm

I didn’t realize how nervous I was about the trip until I went to bed tonight. It’ll be my first trip abroad since I got my promotion in November. Plus, it’s a completely different client than my last trip abroad and I’ve only met one person on this new London team before. Sometimes I go into these meetings and still feel like a little kid? I’m always the youngest person in the room and normally the only woman and on one hand, that’s cool? But sometimes I feel like someone’s daughter instead of their colleague? Like these guys are my dad’s age? And they’re actually supposed to listen to what I have to say about their company? Do you ever feel like that? Like you don’t really belong, despite knowing you’ve earned your place? I wish you were beside me right now. My bed feels way too big tonight. Love you.

01/27 @ 7:48am

Sweetheart! I am so unbelievably proud of you! That’s amazing! You gotta celebrate, go out to dinner with Caro and Darcy, maybe even Nat! I know you’ve been working so hard these last couple of weeks, you absolutely deserve this. I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but yes. I have absolutely felt like I haven’t belonged or deserved something despite having ‘checked off all the boxes.’ I felt that way when I got promoted to LC and when I got that award in October. Everytime I see it on my uniform, I feel a bit like a faker? Like do I really deserve this? But then I remember the way you smiled at me when I got back to my seat that night and how proud of me you were and I think maybe I do deserve it? Plus, I also think of how goddamn gorgeous you looked all fucked out later that night. 

And please note, I would happily slip into bed alongside you, especially since my bed feels way too small tonight. Love you, Bradley

01/27 @ 10:56am

Thank you for earlier. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I’m just too soft for all of this? Like I’m always trying to prove something to everyone and I get a little lost. Tell me something good? x

01/27 @ 7:01pm

How about this? Every time I go up in the sky and see the way the sun hits the clouds, I think of you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. I love you so much, kid

Your Bradley 

01/27 @ 7:06pm

Sometimes I can’t believe we love each other this much, it feels like a dream  x

01/27 @ 7:11pm

I can. Your Bradley 

01/30 @ 7:08am

i slept in one of your shirts last night. it doesn’t smell like you anymore, but it feels like you: soft and safe and warm x

01/30 @ 7:23am

Well I spray my pillowcase with your perfume whenever I miss you so I guess we’re even

Your Bradley

ps - can you send me another bottle?

01/30 @ 7:34am

You’re already out? What sort of illicit behavior are you engaging in with that perfume bottle? 

01/30 @ 10:33pm

I burrow my face in my pillow so I can smell it while I fist my cock, why? What’d you have in mind?

01/30 @ 10:37pm

How does that work though? Like genuinely? Do you jack off with Reuben in the top bunk? Or wait till he’s in the gym? I’ve been curious about this for a while now. What about the showers? Is it like an open floor plan thing? Or are there stalls? Is there a Zillow listing for this aircraft carrier?

01/30 @ 10:41pm

Now why would I ruin the mystery? 

01/30 @ 10:43pm

Bradley!!!!

01/30 @ 10:44pm

Atta girl, that’s the spirit! Love you 

02/02 @ 6:30pm

I am so sick of going to the gym. It seems like it’s all Payback and I do lately. We got this new workout regime that’s been killing me - don’t say it’s because I’m old. Though, I have been using my Theragun. Payback does my back if I do his in return. It was only awkward the first time he turned it on too hard and yelped (please tell everyone that). 

02/02 @ 6:46pm

Oh, so you and Rueben Theragun each other, huh? Say more Lieutenant Commander!

02/04 @ 2:45pm

Going to Pete and Penny’s in a bit to watch the Super Bowl! Max is at the game, apparently his golf buddy Jimmy G hooked him up, though he neglected to bring me or Caroline. I feel like you would’ve been his first choice, so take that as a compliment I suppose. Do you guys do anything onboard for it? I have $350 on the 49ers winning by 3. Have a lovely day my darling boy x

02/04 @ 9:30pm

Guess who’s as snug as a bug on a rug in her bed AND $1400 dollars richer? That would be me! When you get home we’re going to Juniper and Ivy, my treat, bubs! x

02/06 @ 4:57am

Awww sweetheart are you gonna sugar mama me again? 

02/06 @ 7:03am

You do know the only reason you’re getting away with that is because there’s an ocean between us, right? 

02/06 @ 6:00pm

Sorry, couldn’t resist! Love you! B

02/06 @ 6:10pm

You’re lucky I love you so much. x

02/08 @ 9:58pm

Can you imagine if I was gone for 20 years?

02/08 @ 10:11pm

Bradley that’s not funny 

02/08 @ 10:13pm

It’s not supposed to be. I’m reading the Odyssey and it got me thinking. 

02/08 @ 10:16pm

Bradley I love you something awful, but you are such an old man sometimes. 

Are you going through some sort of midlife crisis reading the Odyssey while you’re at sea?? Is the Old Man and the Sea next?

(ps i love the thought of you reading in your bunk in your spare time and being so struck by something composed thousands of years ago that you have to email me)

02/08 @ 10:20pm

They wait 20 years to get back to each other - practically half their lives. They miss so many things and barely knew each other before he left, but they’re still so - I don’t even know? They’re just so intent on getting back to the other in Odysseus’s case? While Penelope makes sure there’s something for him to come back to? And I must’ve read this stanza ten times before I had to email you: 

"...the gods cast me upon Ogygia, Calypso's island, home of the dangerous sea nymph with glossy braids, and the goddess took me in in all her kindness, welcomed me warmly, cherished me, even vowed to make me immortal, ageless, all my days - but she never won the heart inside me, never" 

And I know it’s not a perfect comparison or parallel, but I read that last bit and I couldn’t help but think of you? And how you’re the one who won my heart and it’s always going to be that way. Whether I see you in twenty seconds or twenty years.

02/08 @ 10:23pm

You’d come home to me whether it took twenty seconds or twenty years. You’d come home to me and I’d know you anywhere. I love you so much. 

02/08 @ 10:58pm

“Now help me, please, to get back home, and quickly! I miss my family. I have been gone so long it hurts.” 

Your Bradley

02/09 @ 7:03pm

At the airport for London! Taking off! And I may or may not have used points to upgrade to a Club World seat…but like? It’s a nonstop flight, so it’s okay, right? Work’s already paying for business class? It’s points from my work card? It’ll be fine, right?

I had to take an ativan in the lounge. I just hate that I still get so nervous whenever I fly long distance? I fly all the time, I shouldn’t be like this? You know, one time, I pretended you were flying my plane. I know it’s kind of dumb and silly and a completely different type of plane, but it made me feel better because you’d never let anything happen to me. 

Anyway, we’re book buddies!! I went to the bookstore a couple days ago and got a copy! I read the Odyssey back in high school, but forgot so much. I was reading in the lounge and this part made me think of you:

“...this lovely house, my marriage home, so full of wealth and life, which I suppose I will remember even in my dreams.”

I’ll text you when I land my darling boy, love you x

02/10 @ 6:02am

You gotta squeeze every last bit of your per diem out of pwc. You’ve been working way too hard lately. Fuck it, on the way home just put the upgrade on your work card or put it on mine. Have a safe (rest of your) flight - maybe one day you’ll let me take you up. Love Bradley 

02/10 @ 10:08am

Just landed and on my way to the office (already…)

I thought of you as I read and stared out the window on the plane. I could pretend I’m flying towards you, rather than further away. I can’t imagine how you feel doing this everyday, but I imagine it’s like feeling limitless, like everything is in front of you, there for the taking. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you take me up one day. 

I’ll keep you posted on how everything’s going if you do the same. All my love x

02/12 @ 5:49am

How’s it going, kid? They working you too hard? You’re in London! Try to enjoy it, you deserve it. One of the guys I’m with gave me a restaurant rec for you, said the drinks were amazing, his wife loved it. Do something fun while you’re there! And send me some pictures dammit!

Love you, 

Bradley 

02/12 @ 8:22am

Bradley! It’s been so so crazy here! I feel like I haven’t stopped since I landed. My ‘flat’ is so cute and right by the client’s offices, so it’s an easy commute. I feel so professional taking the Tube places too! It’s one thing I’d like us to have in San Diego as opposed to all the traffic. Also, it’s CHILLY here and I’m so glad I dug my big coat out of storage. I’ll try and check the restaurant out this weekend, I’m gonna sneak in a trip to the Tate, too. I’ve always wanted to see the Turners. Talk soon and love you bunches! x 

02/14 @ 9:54am

Bradley Bradshaw! You absolute SAP! HOW!?! Did you conspire with my dad again? Thank you for the flowers! I’m going to have the biggest smile on my face all day. I love you and hope this is the first of a lifetime of Valentine’s Days together. Always x 

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, kid. I’m not gonna lie, I gave your dad very specific instructions for the bouquet (I was going to ask Max, but he’d probably swap it for something ugly and cheap and keep the change…kidding (not)), so I’m glad they turned out well. It was a very big day on board today: we got special red heart cookies for the holiday. The mood was infectious, I can still taste the sprinkles. Maybe you could cook for me on our next Facetime? Have you learned anything good in class lately? It doesn’t have to be fancy, just wanna see you (and maybe also live vicariously through whatever you’re making).  

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Bradley! I think I can swing that for you, when do you think our next call will be? 

02/16 @ 3:18pm

Kid, you spoil me. This package is amazing, I don’t know where to start (just kidding it’s with the Cadbury chocolate and the Sudocrem as my burnt shoulders thank you), but everything is wonderful, thank you. I love hearing about London and seeing the pictures you sent last time. But I do have one complaint…you’re not in any of the pictures, kid, and that’s truly egregious. (Think we won’t be able to Facetime for a while, I gave Payback my slot the other day.)

02/16 @ 3:23pm

That’s not true! I’m in the one in front of the Tate!

02/16 @ 3:25pm

Yeah, but I can’t see you under all those layers! Just want to see your face. It’s been way too long since our last Facetime.

02/16 @ 9:52pm

As requested, Lieutenant Commander. I had one of the girls in the London office take this at dinner tonight. She really did wonders with the lighting and even managed to get my sidecar in the pic! x Love you

02/17 @ 6:55am

You look pretty. New dress? B

02/17 @ 7:17am

Maybe…it was on sale, couldn’t resist. But you’re gonna hate me because all of my clothes are very much not going to fit in your closet. Also, I bought you a new jacket and some socks. x

02/17 @ 7:20am

Ehhh I’m not too worried about the closet thing. But if you keep buying me clothes we might have a problem.

02/17 @ 7:24am

It’s so cute though!! You’re going to look so handsome in it! I got the green one for you!

02/17 @ 7:29am

Okay, admittedly a very nice jacket, thank you. But you are aware that we live in San Diego…

02/17 @ 7:31am

I am aware of that fact, LC Bradshaw. You can wear it when we visit my parents. Hell, I had to get my coat out of my storage closet for this trip. 

02/17 @ 6:53pm

Sighhhhh you raise a good point. Alright, alright, thank you for the jacket and socks my darling girl. What’d you have for dinner last night? We had chicken with these absolutely awful biscuits, tasted like saw dust, my stomach was growling for some more of that Cadbury chocolate (yes, Payback and I ate all of it already, though it was mainly Payback) for hours afterward. 

02/17 @ 6:59pm

Oh my sweet boy! Who do I need to call about your meal plan? Give me the number and I’ll call the Navy up right now. And I had scallops with truffle risotto. It was delicious. Wanted to lick the bowl clean. Love you bubs x

02/19 @ 10:22pm

Bubs, I cannot eat another meal out. I feel like I’m going to burst. I’ve gone to so many work dinners and lunches even before coming here, it almost makes me feel like a glutton. 

I miss you and your cooking (though I’ll have you know that my skills were vastly improving before my trip abroad!) and you standing behind me at the counter while I try to perfectly cut peppers. Sometimes I do it wrong on purpose so you’ll put your arms around me and I can feel the rumble of your voice. Would we call that weaponized incompetence? You better be ready for some Michelin Star meals when you get home, buddy. I just can’t wait to be home with you and roll over next to you in the morning and to tell you to stop snoring and that the battery in the smoke detector needs to be changed. I can’t wait to be home with you and make a life with you. I’m going to be really sappy now, but let me have this because I was reading this poem the other day and thought of you. 

“I am supposed to be touched. I can’t wait to find the person who will come into the kitchen just to smell my neck and get behind me and hug me and breathe me in and make me turn around and make me kiss his face and put my hands in his hair even with my soapy dishwater drips. I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” (x)

Only a month until you’re home with me, I hope you’re hungry. 

All my love x

02/20 @ 4:50am

It’s only weaponized incompetence if the other person minds. I, however, do not mind. I loved that quote you sent me, going to be thinking about that one for a long time. I hate to tell you this, but I’m gonna be offline for a couple days. I hate that it’s at the end of your trip, but please please message me when you’re leaving/taking off and again when you land, you know I worry. Love you and am so unbelievably proud of you, kid! You killed it in London. Your Bradley

02/20 @ 7:03am

That’s okay, I totally understand. I’ll give you all the details on our next Facetime. In the meantime, I message you when I leave. Stay safe and love you, Bradley! x

02/23 @ 3:45pm

Taking off soon! I got an upgrade again, thankfully! And I made sure to put your new coat in my carry on - I don’t trust British Airways not to lose it! Taking an ativan again so hopefully I’ll sleep the entire flight - love you and talk soon!

02/24 @ 10:33pm

Just landed, slept through….90% of the flight! Apparently, there was bad turbulence, so probably for the best. Now, I know you would never have me deal with that my darling rocketman! Talk later - love you! x

02/25 @ 7:09pm

Feels kind of weird being back? I can’t quite get back into my routine. I’m not sure if it’s jet lag or something else? Feeling a little lost? x

02/26 @ 7:55pm

Bradley!!! You were so good, I’m so so proud of you! Max had everyone over at his place for us to watch you! We have quite the party here including my parents, Pete, Penny and Amelia, Natasha, Mickey and Cielo, Caroline, and Darcy. I’ll have to tell you about the parents meeting later. I wish you had been here for it, they took to each other like bees to honey. 

You looked tragically handsome, I practically had to hold back a moan when you were standing on the flight deck talking to Norah O’Donnell (is she as nice in person as she is on TV?). God, I want to ravish you, you sounded so fucking smart. You know like half the country is going to be in love with you now, right? I’ve got to get back to everyone, Max ordered dinner for us afterwards, but I had to email you as soon as you finished!

Just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am and how much I love you x

02/27 @ 5:09am

Thanks, kid. Sorry it took me a bit to respond, things have been getting a bit crazy, you know, now that I’m a celebrity and all? We’re winding down this training, so the next couple weeks are gonna be full of debriefs and paperwork, which means I should have a more stable schedule. Love you B

02/28 @ 11:48pm

Sometimes I wonder if you were here what would you do? Hold me? Love me? I never feel small except when I’m in your arms. x

02/29 @ 11:48pm

Some nights in bed, if I try really hard, I can imagine I’m laying down next to you. And it makes everything just a little easier. Bradley

03/01 @ 12:56am

I haven’t taken anything besides my fingers in months. You’re going to stretch me out so well when you get home. 

03/01 @ 7:19pm

And I’m gonna mark your ass pink for that comment. I can’t believe you sent that in the middle of the day. You getting yourself off at work? Dirty girl. 

03/01 @ 9:41pm

Never feels as good as when you do it. 

03/01 @ 10:01pm

And my hands pale in comparison to your pretty little cunt. You know that first time we slept together you were so fucking tight, I knew you hadn’t had a good fuck in ages. It gonna be like that again when I come home?

03/01 @ 10:05pm

Where are you going to have me first?

03/01 @ 10:06pm

In our bed, in our house, after you make me dinner in our kitchen. 

03/01 @ 10:09pm

Just over two weeks now, I can’t wait to see you. x

03/03 @ 5:55am

How you holding up, kid? You doing a little better this week work wise? Try and log off around 5 if you can. Don’t want you getting all worn down on me. 

They had us doing these war games yesterday that made me think of you. You would’ve walked circles around some of these other guys I swear. Think I can get a Facetime for us in a couple days? Probably will be our last one before I come home. Love you, B

03/03 @ 7:12am

Bradley! That's the best news I’ve had in ages! I can’t wait to see you! Definitely felt a little lost after coming back from London, but I hope my rut will be over soon? Tying things up with a client is always so lengthy and tedious. 

War games! ‘Would you like to play a game?’ I’d ask if you won, but no one ever wins in the art of war 😉Love you!

03/05 @ 8:54pm

So, here’s a new one. My mom called? She’s going to be stateside and wants to get lunch tomorrow. Could’ve done with a bit more warning, but apparently, she has a layover in San Diego on her way to New York to see my brother? I didn’t even know she was going to see him? I don’t even know if I want to see her? It’s funny, I can already tell you exactly how it’ll play out:

We’ll go to lunch at some sort of vegan restaurant, probably Donna Jean

She’ll make me pay

She’ll try to get me to use some sort of herb to promote weight loss since I’m looking a bit “pudgy” around the face

Though she’ll forget to ask about you, she’ll tell me about her latest string of failed relationships with bartenders and surf instructors in Canggu. Or is it Ubud? I genuinely don’t remember, she started in Ubud, but honestly my knowledge of Balinese geography is rudimentary at best 

She’ll ask how ‘that woman’ is doing as if Mary is just the woman my dad is seeing, not the woman who raised me and my brother

And finally, she’ll ask for money though betting is still open as to what for!

So, what do you say? Wanna put a wager on it? Your terms.

Love you! x

03/06 @ 6:30am

$100 she orders the caesar and makes you pay. I’m not even going to entertain the third parlay, pretty girl. Oddly feeling like she’s got a winner on her hands so yes she’ll talk about her new paramour. Does she really call Mary ‘that woman?’ And yes, without a question, she will ask you for money.

Your move my gorgeous girl,

Bradley

03/06 @ 7:49pm

I really wish you were here right now. She doesn’t even know me, but she somehow always manages to make me feel small. 

Caesar - no croutons 

I paid

Pudgy and frumpy, but she was hawking shakes not herbs

Failed relationship? No, she’s actually GETTING MARRIED

She did not ask about you much other than to say I need to watch my figure for you (see bullet point no. 3)

Mary was called ‘that woman’ six times before I stopped counting

She asked for money as a wedding present 

So, you didn’t get them all, but not a bad showing. Love you. Talk tomorrow on Facetime. x

03/07 @ 6:09am

God kid, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Actually, I don’t even think she deserves to know what she’s missing. Did you talk to your dad or Mary about it? I know we’re talking later, but I just wanted you to have a message from me before you start your day. What’re you wearing to the office tomorrow? Have you worn that wrap dress lately? You know it’s one of my favorites and that I always love unwrapping it when you get home from the office. 

Can’t wait to see you tonight. All my love, Bradley

03/07 @ 9:55am

The dress doesn’t fit. My mom was right, I shouldn’t have gotten the french toast.

I’m planning on talking to dad and Mary later today before you and I have our Facetime. I know they’ll make me feel better, much like you have my darling boy, but it still feels pretty crummy. Especially since I’m sure she’s going to have wonderful time in New York with my brother 🙄 and I’ll have to hear all about it next time I talk to him. 

And I’m not sure if I’ve unpacked that dress yet! I’ll have to do some digging. Talk soon! x

03/10 @ 3:26am

We had a little baby. He was always giggling and laughing and we were making silly faces and he looked so small in your arms, Bradley. So small and little and he was ours. And then I turned around and he was toddling around the house and we were chasing him and his little legs were moving so quickly and we all wound up on the couch in a tangle of limbs, giggling under the blankets as we tickled him and he called you daddy. 

It wasn’t our house - or what will be our house, I guess? Instead of the leather couch you have, it was white and big and wide and the three of us could easily fit on it, snuggled together. 

And I could feel your arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I could feel you humming in my ear and kissing my neck and telling me you loved me. I could feel it. I could feel you. I could feel him and you. And it was nice and I felt warm and safe and cherished and loved. Because I felt so much love for this little boy in my arms - the perfect mix of me and you. Everything felt right and perfect. 

Except when I rolled over in bed to tell you about it, I realized I was alone in my bed, in my apartment, and not in the house that we shared or with the little boy that looked so much like you and I haven’t felt so empty and sad since I can’t remember when. 

And I just miss you so much, Bradley. I know I can come across as glib and unfeeling sometimes and like this doesn’t affect me as much. But it does and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst because I’ve never felt like this for anyone else before? It’s never been so easy for me to love someone and let them love me to the point that I always want to be beside them. And I know with your job - and mine - that can’t always happen, but god Bradley I wish you were here right now so you could hold me and tell me you loved me because I just want to feel your arms around me and know you’re real. I want to tell you about the little boy - the perfect mix of me and you. 

I love you rocketman x

03/11 @ 12:49pm

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I realize that’s a lot to drop on you, especially since we can’t talk in person. I guess I’ve just never missed a person more in my life and seeing that future showed me what we could have when you come home. God, Bradley I want you to come home so badly. I want you to stay here with me forever and never leave and to have that cute little boy who was the perfect mix of me and you and to have you here in my arms every night. And I know it’s selfish of me to ask or even make you think about it, but I want you right here - in twenty seconds, not twenty years. 

How did your hop go today? x

03/11 @ 7:03pm

I have dreams like that, too. I’ll be little, but still older than I was when my dad died and we’ll be at the beach, running around, and he’ll pick me up and spin me around like I’m flying on an airplane. 

But then it’ll be me and my kid, running around and I’ll pick them up and spin them around like they’re flying on an airplane. Sometimes it’s a girl, sometimes a little boy. But I always just can feel and tell that I love them and I’d do anything for them. 

And I used to hate waking up alone after I had them and I’d feel empty and sad and like I had the feeling that they should still be there? Except now I have you and I know it doesn’t just have to be a dream?

Sorry it took me so long to reply. Today was hectic and I didn’t get to check my email until later. But if I checked it earlier, my day would’ve been a lot easier on my heart. 

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/12 @ 7:11pm

How do you always know exactly what to say? I’m sorry for springing that all on you, know it wasn’t exactly a quick/easy message, but I love that you knew exactly what I meant. My day’s always a lot easier on my heart when I hear from you, too. Love you x

03/13 @ 10:17pm

i miss having you around to take care of me. and telling me what to do and what to wear for you and how you want me and where you want me and when you want me and and and. and how good i feel around you as you come, how you take what’s yours. how i need you to take control and tell me what i need because i’m too much of a dumb slut to figure it out on my own. i need you so much bradley. and it’s so hard because i’m trying to take care of myself like you do and imagine what you’d do if you were with me right now. but i’m so frustrated since no one takes care of me like you do. i feel so empty. nothing stretches me out like you do, nothing makes me feel as small as you do, nothing makes me flush like the sound of your voice against my neck as i come, nothing soothes the ache inside me like you do. need you to call me good girl, pretty girl, sweet girl, anything as long as it’s yours. 

i need you i need you i need you i need you bradley bradley bradley bradley

3/13 @ 10:39pm

Awwww sweetheart, did you get yourself all worked up over me? It’s okay, I know it’s hard for you all by yourself. Must’ve been real bad for you to risk this getting flagged, huh? Poor thing, don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. 

Want you to pretend I’m next to you, leaning over you as you lay down and touch yourself. Say yes Bradley, more Bradley. Bradley, Bradley, Bradley. Good girl. 

Want you naked under the covers, no frilly little pajama set or anything. No, I want your cum to stain the sheets and then for you to have to clean up in the morning, all embarrassed because you did this. You made yourself like this because you can’t control yourself without me around. All that cum being wasted. Nobody around to lick it off your pussy. So what doesn’t get on the sheets, you have to taste. Good girl. 

Want you to use your fingers - only your fingers, I’ll know if you use anything else. Start with your breasts. Think of how perfectly they fit in my hands and how yours aren’t quite the same. They aren’t as big. Aren’t as strong. Play with your nipples, drag your nails across the soft skin on the underside of your breasts.

Want you to sigh my name as you slide your hands down your stomach towards your pretty little pussy. Have you shaved? Gotten a wax? You know how I like it, want it just like that when I get home. Pretend it’s my fingers sliding into your cunt. A few touches and you’re already clenching on air and I’m not even around. 

In and out, in and out. Circle your clit with your thumb. Add another finger, then another. You rocking your hips yet? I know you’re soaked. I know you want more. Three fingers can’t stretch you out nearly as much as you need. But I don’t know if you can handle anything else without me around. And I know you would never disagree with me, right? Because you’re my good girl and good girls do what they’re told. 

Don’t hesitate to get loud. You’re in our house, in our bed, you can be as loud as you want. Bet you’re getting close, huh? Try and last a little longer, can you hear yourself and how wet you are? Are you shaking yet? I know you’re close. Go ahead, speed up your fingers, just the way I do. It’s okay, you can come. Know you’re gonna get sleepy soon, wish I could sleep inside you, nice and tight.

Now say thank you Bradley. Good girl. 

03/14 @ 5:49pm

Thank you, Bradley. Thank you for taking care of me last night 

You like chicken piccata, right?

03/14 @ 7:33pm

Yeah, kid, I like chicken piccata. 

03/14 @ 7:39pm

Okay, that’s good. I’m going to make it when you come home. I ran it by my cooking instructor. Ina’s recipe of course. 

(I’ve read your email seven times since you sent it. I’ve thought about it constantly. I want you to take me softly and slowly that first time. But after that? I can’t wait to let go and float. Love you so much x)

03/15 @ 6:09am

You’re the boss. Good thing I’ll be home soon, you’re gonna run out of material. As is, I had to type that last one with one hand. 

Love you,

B

03/15 @ 7:21am

I’ll be good till you get home, promise. 

Have a good day, do you think we’ll get to talk much from now till Friday? Love you x

03/15 @ 7:24am

I’ll hold you to it. 

I don’t think so, might be able to send one out before leaving the boat. Better make it a good one. 

All my love

Your Bradley 

03/15 @ 7:25am

You got it! Love you bubs 

03/18 @ 11:08pm

Kid - there’s this lyric that keeps running through my head: ‘and I want you right here.’ I want you beside me - today, tomorrow, all my days. I want you right here, beside me forever. In twenty seconds, not twenty years. See you tomorrow.

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/18 @ 11:11pm

See you tomorrow, rocketman. I’ll be the one in blue.

Love you x

a/n: thanks for reading! i'll be back with part ii and part iii (hopefully not in...4 months). i had so much fun writing these and getting to explore a different format and side to their relationship! thanks to alexa @sometimesanalice, kylie @ofstoriesandstardust, cass @notroosterbradshaw, elle @dissonannce, nik @cherrycola27, and loren @heartsofminds for all the support!

[absurdthirst]

New Year's Second Chance {Javier Peña x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 18.5k

Warnings: Animosity, hostility, heartbreak, technically step-sibling relationship, angst, domestic violence (one slap), smoking, hate sex?, idiots in love, fingering, vaginal sex, rough sex, oral sex (female receiving), hints of anilingus, biting, mixed emotions

Comments: Coming home for the holidays was not. something you were looking forward to. Especially not when you realize that Javier Peña will be there. Your mother is happily married to his father, but you hate Javier. For a good reason, or so you think

A/N: Happy New Year!!!

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

**Follow @absurdthirst-writes and turn on notifications to stay up to date on all new fics.

|| MasterList || Javier Peña MasterList ||

Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

“Welcome to Laredo.” You groan as you drive past the sign of your hometown, feeling a little sick. It’s the holidays and you’ve tried to stay away for as long as possible but you ran out of excuses. Your mom is married to Chucho Peña. Has been married to him for a few years and you have successfully avoided the wedding, the holidays, and every event in between. Your work overseas has provided a bounty of excuses but now, you’ve been reassigned back to the U.S and the lie has run its course. You offered to stay in a hotel but your mom insists on you staying at the house. Once you’ve pulled up outside the Peña ranch, your mom comes rushing out, screaming your name and wrapping you in a hug that you can only describe as coming home. You smile and breathe her in, “hi mom.” 

She grins when she pulls back to look at you, her eyes a little watery. “Come on, let’s get you inside. You must be hungry and tired after all that traveling.” She ushers you in and you look around, “where’s Chucho?” You ask and she smiles, “he went out to get some things.” 

You nod and she gets to work on making you something to eat. You just finish your sandwich when the garage door opens and Chucho walks in, setting the grocery bags on the counter and you stand up. The old man grins and wraps his arms around you. You've always liked him. Your dad died when you were young and you worried your mom would be alone until she struck up her friendship with Chucho at a grief counseling meeting at the local church. He put the light back in her eyes and you thank him for that. “It’s good to see you.” You murmur when he releases you and you don’t see the younger Peña until he says “what? No hug for me.” Your hackles go up, your spine straightens, and you swallow harshly. “What the hell is he doing here?” You ask, knowing that your mom told you he was still in Colombia taking down the Cali cartel.

Javier frown. Unsure why you hate him so much. “Honey, be nice! Javi just got back earlier. He wrapped up his little case so he flew in to join us.” Only your mom could call taking down one of the biggest drug cartels a “little case”. 

“That’s great.” You say sarcastically. “Glad he could make it.”

Javier huffs, setting the bags he was carrying down on the counter. “Don’t worry, Chiquita. I’ll be down the hall for the next two weeks.” He smirks, “maybe longer. I ain’t got nowhere to go now I’m back from Colombia.” He goads you and you want to stomp your foot like a child. 

“Gee, that’s great. One big happy family.” You sass, “aren’t we lucky?” You ask your mom who raises her eyebrows at you in silent warning. You didn’t know Javier would be here. If you did, you would’ve avoided coming back to Laredo for another three years. “I am going to take a shower and get unpacked.” You declare, asking your mom which room you’re staying in and she glances at Chucho before she shows you down the hall to the room you’re staying in. The one right next to Javier’s childhood bedroom.

Growling to yourself, you toss the bags down onto the bed and sigh. You hate Javier, can’t stand being around him. Arrogant and prideful, cocky and worse - a womanizer. Man thinks that he can flirt with and fuck any woman he wants and it’s disgusting. If you hadn’t promised your mom that you would stay through the New Year, you would be heading back to the airport right now. As it is, you will just have to ignore Javi. No doubt he will be too busy plowing through the single and unhappily married women in town, if he didn’t fuck them the last time he was here.

Chucho tuts as Javier glares at where you just stood. “What’s the issue between the two of you?” He asks and Javier shakes his head. “I don’t even know, Pa. We were friends. Back in the day and she - she just turned one day and was mean to me. I don’t even know what I did.” He confesses and your mom raises her eyebrows, knowing his reputation even back then. “I swear, I have no fucking clue.” He shakes his head, but he knows that he won’t put up with your shit.

In your room, you unpack quickly and decide that you want to take a shower. Knowing that you hadn’t been very cordial to Javier, but you don’t have it in you. You want nothing to do with him, and you’re stuck with him for the entire holiday. You’ll just be as pleasant as you can and your mom will have to realize that her fantasy for a family holiday is nothing more than a pipe dream.

Javier decides to settle back into his room. He only arrived back a couple of days ago and he hasn’t had a chance to unpack with the whirlwind of chores his Pa had assigned to him as soon as he arrived back in Laredo. He decides to shower before he heads out with his Pa to get the shopping list your mom assigned for dinner and he does like your mom. She’s been good for his dad. Makes sure the place is clean, that he has a homemade dinner, and that he is happy. His Pa looks after your mom, loves her, and that makes Javi happy. He feels better knowing that his dad is happy. Deciding to shower, he grabs his toiletry bag and heads into the hallway, opening the bathroom door and he’s shocked when he sees you standing in the shower.

You squeal in surprise when the door opens and grab the shower curtain to rip it around your body. “What is wrong with you?” You scream when he doesn’t immediately turn around and leave. “Close the door!” It infuriates you that you haven’t been here an hour and Javi is already pushing boundaries and pissing you off. You wish you had never come here.

Javier slams the door shut, his eyes wide and he realizes this is gonna be a long two weeks around you. You used to be friends. Good friends. He doesn’t know what happened. Kinda chalked it down to you being jealous of Lorraine when he got with her and proposed and then he went to Colombia after that shit show. Which was strange since you had stood him up the night he got back together with her the last time. Heading back to his room, he decides to wait until you’re done before he attempts to leave the sanctuary of his room.

Locking the door, you turn on the shower and climb in. Closing your eyes and sighing as you lean against the tiled wall. Fuck. Why, why, why, do you have to be stuck in this house with Javi? The bad thing is that the bastard looks good. Colombia hadn’t been bad to him. He’s more handsome than ever, maybe a little worn down, but he still looks good. That pisses you off more than anything. You remember being so fucking excited that night and then so heartbroken.

Javier sighs when he hears you leave the bathroom and close the door to the guest room. He makes his way into the bathroom and it smells like your body lotion. He inhales deeply. His cock twitching at the thought of smelling it on your skin. He turns on the shower and gets in a few moments later, cursing the fact that his cock is getting hard

After getting dressed, you feel better, leaving the guest bedroom and going to the kitchen. “Okay, I’m unpacked and feeling better after a shower.” You promise, giving your mom another hug. “I’ve missed you.” You tell her, even though you’ve avoided coming home in order to not see Javi since your mother got involved with Chucho.

Your mom smiles, kissing your cheek. "I missed you so much baby. So much. I - it's been so long. I feel like it's been a lifetime since I last saw you. You - I've been married to Chucho for three years." She reminds you of your absence.

You had known she was going to guilt you. “I know mom, I’m sorry, I’ve been busy with work.” You tell her. It’s not a lie, you just don’t admit that you asked for assignments during the holidays so you didn’t have to come here. “I’ll try to do better.”

Your mom nods, knowing you’ve been busy. “Why are you and Javier butting heads? You used to be good friends. What happened?” She asks with a concerned frown. Before you can answer, the man in question comes into the kitchen, hair wet and buttoned slightly open as he opens the fridge to grab a bottle of beer.

“Nothing.” You shrug slightly, not willing to give Javi the satisfaction of knowing that he still here under your skin. “We’re just….different people.” You settle for that and ignore the snort as he twists open his beer bottle and takes a swig.

Your mom frowns but nods, not wanting to escalate the issue when you’re in front of Javi. She doesn’t understand why you’re mad at him after so many years of not seeing him. “So…are we going to go grocery shopping?” You ask your mom who nods and Javi smirks, kinda wanting to push your buttons. “I’ll come with.” He says and smirks when you huff.

“So we’re buying cigarettes and booze?” You snort, rolling your eyes. “I think that’s about the limit of your cooking abilities, right?” You have no hope that he had learned any skills since you last ate with him.

Javier snorts, “you ain’t wrong there, sweetheart. Can make toast and eggs for the ladies that spend the night but that’s about it. I’m hopeless.” He declares and sips his beer after opening it.

You grind your teeth, irritated that you are affected by that. “Probably want them to make you breakfast.” You huff, looking over at your mom again. “When do you want to go? Might as well get it over with since we will have a tag-along.”

Javier smirks, loving how he can annoy you. He is going to take great pleasure in doing it again and again during your visit. “We can go now.” Your mom suggests and Javier nods, downing the bottle of beer until he’s tossing it in the trash and adjusting his too-tight jeans. 

“Let’s go ladies.” He says and winks at you as he makes his way out into the garage.

“Kill me now.” You huff, rolling your eyes. You shouldn’t have come, you should have known that Javi would be home since he had been suspended. Grabbing your purse, you go out into the garage. “Oh hell no.” You shake your head when you see him sitting in the passenger seat of your mom’s Buick. “I sit up front. You get your ass in the back.”

Javier looks at your mom, giving her those puppy eyes that always got him what he wanted as a kid. “Oh honey, just get in the back.” Your mom says and you growl under your breath while Javier gives you a victorious grin. Your mom is soon driving away from the ranch, you grumbling in the back, and Javier smirks at you in the mirror, loving to see you so annoyed.

You don’t talk on the way to the grocery store, sulking in the back seat like a child and even crossing your arms at one point. You hate Javi, hate him. “Fucking ridiculous.” You mutter to yourself.

He bites his lip to smother his chuckle, loving how annoyed you are. And when you arrive at the store, Javier gets out and grabs the cart for your mom. “Thanks sweetheart.” She smiles at him and you follow along, arms crossed and brow furrowed. 

“Is that Javier Peña?” A middle aged woman asks and comes over with a grin on her face. “Oh boy. You’ve grown up since you used to mow my yard when you were seventeen.” She says with a blush and Javier chuckles, “all grown up now, Señora Alvarez.”

“All grown up and no manners.” You mumble under your breath and walk over to the bananas to make sure there are plenty at the house. You eat one every morning for potassium. Javi and the old woman continue chatting and pretty soon you hear a girlish giggle from the older woman and roll your eyes. He’s obviously turned on the charm and started flirting with the elderly woman. There’s no one he wouldn’t flirt with apparently.

Your mom rolls the cart over to you and nudges your arm. “He is kinda cute all grown up. He’s not as flighty as he used to be. Always seemed to feel like he struggled to keep his feet on the ground in one place. I guess going to Colombia cured him of the travel bug.” She guesses, “suppose that’s why he didn’t marry Lorraine.”

“Good for her.” You snort. “She got lucky. I can’t imagine she would be happy with her husband trying to lift every skirt he sees.” You don’t know why he didn’t marry Lorraine, or why you should care. It’s nothing to you.

Your mom nods, “she wasn’t happy when he left her standing at the aisle and had his friend Frankie give the bride a note detailing his departure to go to the DEA academy. Guess she was against him going. Wanted him to stay and work in her daddy’s construction company. He wanted to do something for the world and she got stood up. Guess they met in some bar…the Old Rodeo.” Your mom recalls the story Chucho told her.

“Yeah….” Your nose curls at the name. “It’s a shit bar. Nothing but losers went there.” You remember the bar pretty damn well, but your mother doesn’t know that. “Anyway…. I don’t care about Javier. Tell me how you are doing?” You beg. “How are things with Chucho? Is he treating you right? If he’s not, I’m going to have to talk to him.”

Your mom smiles the type of smile you have when you’re totally in love. She looks giddy. There’s a light in your eyes that you’re kind of jealous of. “He’s amazing. Sure, we have little disagreements, mainly about him doing too much damn work. But he’s so kind and caring. He loves me and we both agreed that our marriage would never be compared to our previous ones. Your dad was the love of my life and Maria was his but…I love him. He makes me happy.” She promises with a girlish giggle.

“That’s all that matters.” You murmur softly. Despite your feelings about his son, Chucho is a good man and your mother deserves to be happy after so much time. You had told her that she couldn’t be a widow forever, she lost your father way too young to spend the rest of her life alone. “I hope I can find someone who treats me that way one day.” You frown slightly, remembering the last girlish crush you had and how those hopes and daydreams had been crushed. Shaking yourself out of it, you shrug. “What all do we need to get? Are you having a New Year’s party this year?” Your entire childhood, your parents had thrown amazing New Year’s parties, rivaled by none in your opinion.

Your mom smiles, “yeah. Chucho and I decided to continue the tradition. His nephew Danny is gonna bring a tent over to set up in the back and my friend Ellen is going to cater. I’m getting too old to do the food all by myself. Plenty of booze and food and one of the local kids is going to DJ.” Your mom says, knowing this year will be the best yet. “For now, we need to get a ham, potatoes, all the usual. Oh and a dessert or two. I was thinking pie.” She says and glances around, “where did Javier go?” She asks and the man in question appears with a six pack of beer and a pack of condoms. “The essentials.” He smirks at you and you scoff.

“I do not want to hear the pathetic faked moans of whatever floozy you bring home.” You point at him. “I swear to God, Javier, if you wake me up, I’ll kill you.” You promise hotly. You can’t even imagine having sex at your mom and Chucho’s house, just a respectful thing. Granted, you hadn’t had sex in a long time, a really long time, but still. Javi smirks and you roll your eyes. “So is the beer for the girls to get drunk enough to want to have sex with you?”

Javier chuckles and shakes his head, “it’s for refreshment after they lose their voice from moaning too much.” He’s messing with you. Like he’d bring a woman back to the house with you next door and his dad and your mom down the hall. Absolutely not. He chuckles when you wrinkle your nose and he leans in closer while your mom inspects the vegetables. “You just wish it was you in my bed.” He taunts you, wanting to wind you up even more.

You cut your eyes over at him and sneer. “In your fuckin’ dreams, Peña.” You huff. “I wouldn’t be in your bed if you paid me. And I heard there was quite a bit of payment in Colombia.” You smirk. “Expensing out getting your dick wet.”

Javier narrows his eyes, “saved lives. Took down Escobar. That’s all that matters in the end.” He hisses, still sensitive about getting sent back before he could be the one to slap the cuffs on the bastard. “Besides, I doubt you’ve had anyone come near you with that sour face.” He spits, getting defensive.

It cuts deeper than you imagined and you hate how he can still get to you after everything. “At least I can say that anyone who fucked me did it because they wanted to. I didn’t pay and I don’t give a shit what you think of me. Your opinion means shit.”

Javier growls under his breath just as your mom comes over with the chips. “Everything okay?” She asks and Javier grins, “just peachy.” He says to her and she frowns slightly. 

“I’m gonna go get some things.” Javier says, stalking off and away from you before he says something else.

“Are you two fighting again?” Your mom asks, exasperated by the angry tension between the two of you. 

“Nope.” You shake your head and turn to see someone turning onto the aisle and you freeze. A flashback to years ago running through your mind. A petite blonde rushing up to Javier and jumping into his arms with a squeal and an enthusiastic kiss. Your stomach knots up and you grab your purse. “I - I need to get some air.” You manage to choke out before you turn and run away. Not wanting to see the woman Javi had thrown you over for.

“Lorraine?” Javi chokes a little at seeing his ex. Sure he’d seen her at Danny’s wedding but that was a few years ago. 

“Hey Javier.” She says stiffly, still pissed at him for jilting her despite having her family and rich husband. 

“How you been?” He asks, shifting from one foot to the other. 

“Good. You’re with her?” She jerks her chin at your retreating form and Javier sighs, shaking his head. 

“She still hates me.” He reveals and Lorraine scoffs, “she didn’t used to.” 

Javier nods, heart aching a little, “yeah, well, it was good to see you. Happy Holidays.” He says and stalks off to find your mom who had left him to talk.

Out in the parking lot, you bite your lip and lean next to the car. Digging into your purse for a cigarette, you had sworn you were quitting, but you need one. Actually you need a stiff drink but the smoke would have to do. Suddenly thinking about memories better left buried. 

**** 

“So you wanna go out? The Old Rodeo?” The easy smirk in Javi’s face makes your cunt clench. There’s nothing good in that smirk and you love it. “Get something to eat and a lot to drink?” He winks outrageously and does this little move with his thumb around his mouth to bring your eyes to them. Not that you don’t often think about kissing him. “See what happens? I’m crazy for not asking you sooner.” 

It’s what you’ve always wanted to hear and you know you are putty in his hand. You always have been, but friends are what you’ve been until this moment. “Of course we can.” You hum, grinning. “I’ll find out what drives the women crazy about the area Lothario.”

Javier remembers that night. The night he was supposed to meet you. He was ready to tell you how he felt, see what happened between you, but you hadn’t shown up. Lorraine approached him that day, his on again off again girlfriend that was off on the day he asked you out but seeing her that afternoon, she wanted to give it another chance and he went with what was comfortable and known after you had blown him off. He was terrified to fuck up your friendship and he was going to tell you that. To explain it, but you didn’t answer your phone and you never let him explain what happened. He regrets that day, regrets going back to Lorraine who ultimately found out on their wedding day why Javier was supposed to meet you. He couldn't marry her. Not when he was in love with you back then. You hate him now and he pretends to hate you.

By the time your mother comes out, you’ve crushed your cigarette out and spritzed yourself with some Sweet Pea body spray. Even though you’re a grown ass woman, your mother doesn’t know that you used to smoke and when she pushes the buggy closer, you shove a stick of gum in your mouth. “Please tell me that you didn’t pay for his beer and rubbers?” You ask your mom, taking the keys from her and opening the trunk.

Your mom shakes her head, “that’s all he got, sweetheart.” She explains just as Javier comes out of the grocery store and over to the car. 

“Thanks for getting those things.” Javier says to your mom and kisses her cheek before he starts to load the car.

Huffing, you roll your eyes and barely resist the urge to slam the trunk closed on his hands. Instead of commenting, you place the eggs and the bread on top and take the cart. “I’ll return it.” You mutter, more for your mother than Javi. You just know he would be the type to not return it to the cart corral.

Javier gets in the car, the front seat again, and you huff as you get in behind him. He turns to look at you as your mom starts to drive out of the parking lot. “Do you smell smoke?” He asks your mom, sniffing, and he leans closer to you, “did you just smoke?”

You jerk back, scowling at him and wishing to hell you had never met Javier Peña. “No! What is wrong with you? Stop sniffing me, you pervert.” You hiss, shooting him a deadly glare. “Just because you smell like the inside of an ashtray doesn’t mean everyone else does.”

Javier chuckles and shakes his head, “whatever, Chiquita. You tell yourself what you wanna believe.” He scoffs and then he smirks, “besides, you know that smoking is bad for you. Don’t want anything bad to happen to my step sister.” He feigns concern, knowing he will rile you up.

“I am not your step sister.” You hiss, even though you know that you technically are. “Well, honey….” Your mom interrupts and you sigh. 

“Mom, please. The last thing I want is to be associated with this asshole, let alone related to him. Just let me pretend. Chucho is amazing, but I don’t know how he turned out like he did.” You huff, pointing at Javier. 

Javier is a little hurt by your jab. His dad is a great man, one he could only aspire to be. His unwavering loyalty and dedication is something that he could wish for but fall short every time. “Whatever. Your mom clearly didn’t raise you to be like her. She’s not a bitch.” He hits back, crossing his arms as he stares out of the window.

You hiss out an angry breath and try not to let him get to you. It hurts, but you’ve been a bitch, being a bitch is better than letting him hurt you. “Okay you two.” Your mom sighs, driving you all home. “Please just get along for the holidays?” She begs. 

“Fine.” You decide. “I have no problem ignoring him for the holiday.”

Javier snorts, shaking his head but not saying anything else. He doesn’t understand why you hate him so much. He hasn’t done anything to you. He has no idea why you started hating him when he got with Lorraine. You hadn’t even shown up for your date that night. You were his best friend once.

The rest of the trip is spent in silence and you wonder how the hell you can cut this trip short and get out of spending any more time with Javier than you have to. When you get to the house, you jump out and start immediately unloading the groceries, shoving Javi's bags into his hands. "Got the rest, go do whatever."

Javier frowns but doesn’t argue. He’s sick of arguing. He takes his things into the house and puts the beers in the fridge before taking the condoms to his room. He feels like a teenager again. Awkward and unsure. You make him feel like that. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and he doesn’t know what to do about spending those days with his family. He decides to avoid it for as long as he can so he grabs the keys to his truck and decides to go for a drink at the dive bar he used to frequent before he left Laredo.

You’re unloading the groceries when you hear the truck start up and you sigh in relief. “Thank God.” You murmur, even though your stomach twists in guilt. Feeling like you’ve run Javi off. 

“What happened between you two?” Your mother demands but you just shake your head. 

“Mom, please, I don’t want to talk about it.” You beg. “I just- I don’t like him, okay? End of story.”

Your mom sighs but nods, “just - just try to make the best of it, okay sweetheart? It’s Christmas.” She says and you nod, unable to agree verbally. 

**** 

Javier returns to the ranch around 2am. He had met a girl - someone new in town - and Javier flirts but it doesn’t feel right. He frowns when she invites him back to her place and usually he’d say yes but for some reason, he can’t do it. Instead, he heads home and gets into bed without disturbing anyone.

You're sitting on the porch when the truck comes creeping up the drive with the lights off. Sneaking in. You snort to yourself when Javi doesn’t even see you on the porch when he slips into the house. Making you wonder where he had spent the night. Reminding yourself that you shouldn’t care. When you slip back in the house, you hear Javi starting to snore in his bedroom and you huff to yourself. With Chucho’s snoring in the bedroom he shares with your mom, it’s pretty apparent that snoring runs in the family. You climb back into your bed, wondering if you just need to go home, let them enjoy the holiday without you.

The next morning, Javier comes in to find your mom cooking breakfast, a groan escaping his lips when she puts a cup of coffee in his hand. “You are too good to me.” He tells her with a grin and a wink, “thanks.” He sits down at the table and reaches for the pack of smokes he left there.

When you shuffle into the kitchen, you narrow your eyes at the cigarette that is in Javier's hand. Craving it and finding it hypocritical that the bastard would bust your balls about smoking and he is puffing on one right in front of your mother and his dad. "Morning." You huff, moving over to your mom to give her a kiss and to take the coffee mug that she is holding out for you. "Thank you."

Javier watches you until his Pa gets his attention. “Let’s get the animals all fed early today so we aren’t dealing with them tonight or tomorrow morning.” Javier nods, knowing that his dad will want to relax for Christmas Eve dinner and tomorrow. “Sure thing, Pa.”

Sighing softly in relief, you relax when you realize that Javier won't be hovering all day. "Mom, I'll help you get everything ready, sound good?" you ask after taking a sip of the hot brew. "You shouldn't have to do all the cooking."

Your mom nods, “thank you, darling. Don’t be silly about spending the whole day helping me. I want you to enjoy the holiday since you’re home. I’m so glad to have you home.” She says and reaches for you to wrap her arms around you. “I love you.” She murmurs, getting a little emotional and Javier looks away, feeling like he’s invading when you hug your mom back.

"I love you too." You murmur softly, squeezing her tight. "I'll enjoy my holiday as long as I'm with you." You promise. "I'll help you and then I'll go do some last minute shopping."

Your mom nods, smiling and grateful to have you here. She gestures to the table, “sit down. Breakfast is nearly ready.” 

You sigh and then choke as you sit down next to Javier who is still smoking while he reads a section of the paper. “You know those things will kill you.” You remind him despite your hypocrisy. 

“Not if you do first, baby.” He winks at you and takes another drag.

"Don't tempt me." You grumble under your breath and roll your eyes as you fix your plate. You'll eat and then concentrate on your coffee.

Javier grabs a piece of toast and bites into it obnoxiously, wanting to see you get annoyed with him. You may hate him but he loves to see you riled up. At least it’s emotion.

You remember the promise you made to yourself, rolling your eyes instead of commenting and taking a sip of your coffee. "Thanks for breakfast, mom. You are amazing."

Your mom grins, pleased at the praise and Javier nods, “you are a great cook. My dad and I struggled for years after my mom died to make something half edible. We even burned the toast.” He confesses and takes another bite of the toast.

You don't make a snide comment, knowing the loss of his mother was hard for Javi, and for Chucho. It would be beyond disgusting to insult that. You set your coffee down and pick up your fork to take a bite of the eggs.

Javier digs into the rest of breakfast, groaning at the food, and he realizes he hasn’t been this hungry in a long time. He swallows down each gulp like a man starved and he pushes the plate back after he finishes to rub his stomach. He didn’t eat much in Colombia, running on booze and coffee and cigarettes.

You don't comment on the fact that Javi wolfed down his food, not even looking over at him as you eat your own meal. "So I was thinking," you start. "Why don't I cook dinner, since you'll be busy working on Christmas dinner?" You offer.

Your mom shakes her head, “oh baby. No. No. I can’t do that. Honey, I need you to relax too. It’s your first holiday home in forever. Let me make it special for you.” She offers and Javier shakes his head, “I don’t mind helping.”

You snort and cut your gaze over to him. "What could you do?" You ask. "You just said that you burned toast. Why the hell would we want burnt food?"

“I can cut shit up.” He offers, “boil water. I don’t know. It’s a lot of work to do alone. I can be ordered around like a good boy.” He promises with a smirk, picking up his coffee cup.

You roll your eyes and shake your head. "I doubt you've ever been a good boy." You huff. "No, I'm good. I don't think I want you around sharp knives. I might get confused and cut you."

Javier snorts, “more like stab me.” He says and you raise your eyebrows, “you said it.” 

Your mom shakes her head, “I’ll cook. You kids just focus on being nice to each other.” 

Chucho nods, “be nice, mijo.” He orders and Javier can’t argue with his father.

You smirk at Javi after his father tells him to be nice, barely resisting the urge to stick your tongue out at him. "I told you mom, I'll be civil. That's the best I can offer."

Javier rolls his eyes and stands up, putting his plate in the sink along with his coffee cup and he stalks out of the room to get ready for a day on the ranch helping his dad have everything sorted so he can enjoy Christmas without worrying about the animals or the ranch.

It's sweet, watching Chucho lean over your mom and give her a kiss. Smiling softly and patting her cheek when he tells him that he will be back later. It's the kind of relationship that you had always wished for yourself but it wasn't to be.

It’s late afternoon and you’re in the kitchen helping your mom prepare dinner when Javi comes in. It’s a cold day for Texas but Javi has been fixing the mower when he spilled oil on his shirt. He pulls it off and leaves it on the porch in a pile, deciding to come inside shirtless so he can wash his hands.

Your mom is in her bedroom, stripping her sheets to wash and you are in the kitchen, prepping food. The radio is on, playing the top 10 countdown and you are singing along to the music. Dancing around as you mix the cookie dough up. Distracted to the point where you don't hear the back door open.

Javier stops in the kitchen, shirtless, and he grins as you shake your hips and sings to the music. “I didn’t know you could dance so well, Chiquita.” He compliments you with a chuckle and he crosses his arms, oily hands forgotten.

Yelping in surprise, you almost drop the bowl. "Shit!" You slam the bowl down and glare at Javi as he grins at you. "What the fuck are you doing? Sneaking up on me?"

“I came in to wash my hands. Got covered in oil and came in to see you dancing. I ain’t ever seen you dance like that before, Chiquita.” He smirks and hums, “actually…a few times back when we - well, when you didn’t hate me.”

You stiffen when he has the audacity to bring up that time. "Yeah, well there's a lot you haven't seen, Peña." You huff, reaching over and slapping off the radio. "And you won't see. So just wash your hands and get on with what you were doing."

He knows you’re mad at him and he kinda likes it. He walks over to sink, grabbing the soap to wash off his hands and you’re next to him, and he can smell your perfume. He leans in closer unconsciously drawn to you. His body pressing against you without thought.

"What the fuck are you doing?" It takes you a split second before you react to him leaning into you. Hating how your pulse jumps and your entire body seems to tighten in anticipation.  You step back and look at him in disgust. "I'm not one of your fucking conquests. Don't touch me."

Javier pulls back instantly, the spell he was under is broken and he snarls at you, curling his upper lip. “You should be so lucky. My dick would get fucking bitten off by you.” He hisses and stalks into his bedroom to grab another shirt and hide his embarrassment. He doesn’t understand why you hate him so much. Especially not when he - when he was - well, it doesn’t matter now.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, shaking your head. "Fucking forget about him." You tell yourself quietly. "He just is a piece of shit who would break your heart again."

Javier sighs and pulls a clean shirt on before he heads back out to continue helping his dad. He is anxious about dinner later. Wondering if you’re gonna behave or if he’s gonna end up fighting with you. “Why do you fight with her?” Chucho asks his son as they finish up work. 

“I- I fight with her because - well, it’s complicated. She hates me.” Javier reveals and Chucho shakes his head, “she doesn’t. I don’t see hate in her eyes. I see hurt. You need to talk to her, figure out what happened.”

When your mom comes back into the kitchen, you plaster a smile on your face and quickly escape. Taking your rental car and leaving the ranch to drive into town. Happy to escape and rolling the window down to smoke a cigarette as you drive. Blowing the smoke out of the car and sighing to yourself. Now that Javi is here, you will be obligated to get him something. So you have to find a gift for the asshole.

Javier decides to take his dad’s advice, he will talk to you and see what the fuck happened to make you hate him. He showers when he comes back inside and curses as he struggles to wrap the presents he bought. Including the necklace he got you when he was in Colombia. He wasn’t sure when he’d see you but it was made for you and he had to buy it.

Taking your time shopping, you meander in and out of shops, finally deciding on a gift for Javier. Really, two. One that spells out how you feel and another that your mother would approve of. You might be taking more time than normal so you didn't have to go back to the ranch just yet. Deciding to have the gifts you had brought for Chucho and your mom, along with the newly bought gifts for Javier wrapped at the little booth that is set up on the square. The beautiful wrapping is far superior than your own.

Javier places his haphazardly wrapped presents under the tree, shaking his head at how bad a job he did but he hopes everyone likes the presents he got. He wipes his hands on his jeans and grabs a beer, sitting down with his pa on the sofa just as you come back into the house. “Jesus, you go shopping in Dallas? You’ve been gone so long.” Javier comments.

You barely resist the urge to make a snarky comment and just shrug. “Got caught up.” You answer, feeling a little resentful that he believes you should answer to him. You are nothing to each other and hopefully won’t see each other again for years after the New Year’s party. Bringing the presents over, you place them under the tree and disappear down the hall to your bedroom to put your purse up.

Chucho looks over at Javier who sighs and stands up, following you down the hall and he knocks on the door. “Mom. I-” He doesn’t wait for you to say ‘come in’ when he enters and your eyes widen when he shuts the door behind him. “Javi. What the fuck-” 

He shakes his head, cutting you off. “Please, Chiquita. I need to know what the fuck it is I’ve done that makes you hate me so much.”

“I-“ your mouth drops open in surprise and you can’t believe this asshole doesn’t even remember. “I’m sure it’ll come to you if you think really hard on it. Now, I’d like you to leave my room.” You tell him, having no interest in getting into things with him. He had made his choice and you had moved on.

He frowns, “you seriously are a fucking bitch. Why can’t you just be fucking upfront instead of messing with me as much as possible.” He growls, “I’m over your little games. Fuck you.” He hisses before he leaves your room, slamming the door behind him. He storms outside, grabbing his cigarettes and he lights one as soon as he’s outside, trying to calm himself down.

In your room, you hate how his words affect you. Sinking down onto the bed, you try to stop yourself from crying. Thinking that you had cried yourself dry years ago and hating that Javier Peña still has that power over you. Wiping your eyes, you pick up your bag off the floor and toss it on the bed, ready to repack and leave.

He isn’t sure how long he stays outside, wandering the property, and he eventually looks up at the stars twinkling in the sky. “Mama. I- I don’t know what to do. She - she’s still so fucking gorgeous and I have no clue why she stopped talking to me. Seeing her again…I’m so confused. What do I do?” He asks the stars, wishing his mom was here to guide him.

Your bags packed, you sneak them outside and into the rental car. Unsure of why you are hanging around, but maybe it’s just to concede. Tell Javier that he’s won and you won’t be back around anymore. You’ll make it up to your mom, you’ll fly her out to spend a few weeks with you on your own turf. Your own cigarette is in hand for a pre-trip smoke as you spy a lone figure out by the barns and you decide to walk down there.

Javier caresses the horse as he stands in the barn, deciding to take more time to himself before he heads back inside for a “family dinner.” He hears a noise and turns to see you standing there, cigarette in hand. “You drop that, we all go up in flames.” He warns you, turning back to the horse.

“I’m not stupid enough to drop a cigarette around all the hay.” You snort, annoyed that he can’t help but be a condescending prick. “Came to tell you I’m leaving.” You take another drag off the cigarette before you smother the cherry on a wooden post until it’s out. “So you don’t have to worry about me being a bitch anymore. You win. I’ll fly my mom out to spend time with her during the year.” You hate looking at him, hate that you’ll remember the shock on his face but you make yourself turn around and start walking away. “Oh.” You toss over your shoulder. “Fuck you too, Peña.”

He hisses, rushing to follow you and he grabs your shoulder. “Fuck me? Fuck you. You’re gonna leave your mom on Christmas when you haven’t seen her in years. For what? Because of me? I’ll go. I’ll fucking leave then.” He growls at you and he spins you around to face him. “You can’t fucking leave.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what I can and can’t do!” You push him away, horrified that angry tears have sprang up in your eyes. “I don’t want to be here with you! I don’t want to fucking see you! Ever!” You bite your lip and wipe your tears. “You ruined Christmas, not me. Just like you ruin everything.”

“I don’t even know what I did. I have no fucking clue why you hate me. Can you at least tell me what I did before you crucify me?” He pleads, hunching over in frustration as you stand in the entrance to the barn.

You stare at him for a second and then you laugh. Deep and from your belly, making you double over as the tears of frustrated mirth roll down your cheeks. “Of course you don't remember!” You scoff. “Why the fuck would you remember shattering my heart? Asking me out on a fucking date and making me believe that things between us were finally going to change.” You stop laughing and shoot him a withering look, even with the tear streaks on your skin. “Was it on purpose? Making out with Lorraine when I showed up for our date? To sink the knife in and drive the message home that I wasn’t good enough for you? I know it was a stupid, pathetic crush, I was hopelessly in love with you.” You snort. “You didn’t have to be cruel.”

“You thought- fuck. I- you don’t even know what I was thinking when I asked you to the bar, do you? And when I got there, Lorraine was there and she was trying to win me back. She - she pounced on me when I- fuck. She must’ve seen you walk in.” He rambles, “she set it up and I- shit. You saw - oh shit.” He chokes, realizing how much Lorraine messed up his life. She knew he was planning to meet you and that he - “Fuck!” He yells at the sky, frustrated and so fucking angry. The miscommunication and the deception make his blood boil. “Fuck you!” He shouts again at the sky, hoping Lorraine hears him. “Fuck me? Fuck you!” You growl, thinking he is talking to you. 

“Fuck you!” He hisses back, furious at the universe. “Fuck you, Chiquita. Fuck-” He surges forward to cup your cheeks, pressing his lips to yours.

You huff against his lips, pulling back and drawing your hand back to slap him. The crack of the hit echoes around the pen. “Fuck you!” You hiss, but Javi just growls your name and grabs you by the back of the neck to plaster his lips against yours again. Making you melt as you stop resisting and kiss him back with just as much angry passion as he is kissing you.

He groans into your mouth, guiding you backwards into the barn and towards the fresh pile of hay, and he lowers you down onto it. He hovers over you, his lips kissing your jaw. “Tell me to stop.” He begs, reaching down to grab your thigh to hitch it over his hip. “Tell me to fucking stop.” He pleads, needing you to tell him you don’t want this before he makes you moan.

You should. You should push him away and slap him again, but you don’t. Too busy sinking your fingers into his hair and tugging on it hard enough to make him hiss. One night. You’ll take this one night with him and then you’ll leave. “Don’t stop.” You whimper, wanting to have him just once.

He groans in relief when you don’t push him away. His hand slides along your thigh to slip under the dress you put on for Christmas Eve dinner. His fingers pressing against your clit through the cotton and he kisses down your neck until he’s nipping at the swell of your breast. “Always been so fucking beautiful.” He mutters into your skin as his fingers slide under the elastic of your panties so he can rub your clit properly.

You huff, still not understanding everything that happened so many years ago, but his fingers are distracting. “Javi.” You moan softly, wishing you could kiss him, bite him as he rubs your clit and his nose pushes down the top of your dress to expose your tits. “Please.”

He can’t deny you anything when you whimper like that. He mouths at your nipple, biting down as you tug on his hair, and he pushes two fingers inside of you. “Waited so fucking long to hear those sweet moans. Wanna hear you cum. Wanna feel your pussy squeeze me, hermosa.” He murmurs into your ear as he presses his thumb into your clit.

Moaning, you close your eyes and absorb the stretch of his fingers. It’s so good. So filling. There’s a chance - a very large one - that this is some kind of notch in his belt. That he wants to touch you just so he can hold it over your head, but you don’t care. You just want to be touched. To have him like this. “Fuck, Javi- please.”

He hisses when your walls grip his fingers, showing him how tight you could get around his cock, and he groans your name. “I got you, hermosa.” He promises, “I got you baby.” He rubs your clit a little faster with his thumb, desperately needing you to cum before he fills you with his cock.

You whine, turning your head and pressing your lips together to muffle the sounds. The last thing you want is for your mom and Chucho to hear you and come outside. Closing your eyes, you love the little encouraging grunts he gives as he fingers you until you’re clenching down around his fingers and gasping out his name.

Javier groans when you soak his fingers and he works you through it. “That’s it. Such a good girl.” He murmurs, withdrawing his fingers after you start to whine and he shoves them in his mouth, wanting to taste you. “Baby. Shit. Tell me I can fuck you. Or tell me to stop.” He pleads as he squeezes his cock through his jeans.

Your dress is hiked up and your tits pulled out. Reaching for the band of your panties, you lift your hips to push them down. “Take your fucking pants off, Peña.” You growl, tossing the soaked material to the side and reaching for his belt.

He groans when you pull his hard cock out. He's throbbing and leaking pre-cum. The front of his jeans are dark from it, and he bats your hand away when you start to pump him. "Gonna fuck you." He promises, shuffling close until he's lined up and he starts to slowly push inside of you.

Your legs brace on either side of his hips and your nails curl into the fabric of his plaid shirt. He’s thick and stretches you out. “Fuck, Javi.” You whine, tilting your head up to kiss along his jaw. “Fuck.”

He pants, your cunt is gripping him like a vice, and he struggles to control himself. He takes a deep breath and nudges his nose against yours. He pushes deep, throbbing inside of you, and he slowly pulls out of you then pushes back in a little faster. "Mierda." He pants, starting to fuck you properly.

You had always wondered if Javi was cocky because he was that good or if it was a false sense of bravado but you quickly find out. The short, deep thrusts of his cock seem to push against the spongy, sensitive parts of you perfectly. “Shit is right.” You moan, wrapping your legs around him as he rocks into you. Regardless of how many women he’s fucked, you’re in his arms right now. “God, Javi, more.”

He pants, his cock twitching inside of you, and he grabs your thigh, lifting it higher so he can press deeper inside of you. “So fucking good, baby. Always thought you would be. Always imagined you’d blow my mind.” He rambles as he rocks into you over and over.

Closing your eyes, you resist the urge to spit at him that he could have found out years ago. Instead, you just tighten your muscles around him and moan quietly. You don’t want to ruin this or fight with him when he’s inside you, still unsure of what the fuck happened but you have your suspicions. “Fuck.”

He rocks into you, kissing along your neck, and he can’t resist biting along your skin. He’s always been a biter and he feels a little satisfied to bite your neck and mark you. His thrusts get sloppily, harder, as he gets closer but he needs you to cum first. Usually, he’d last longer but this is you and the fire is still blazing through his veins.

You feel his entire body tensing and moan softly. Stroking his back under his shirt and feeling the muscles move. “So good, fuck, you’re so good.” You praise softly, overwhelmed by how deep he plunges into you.

“Cum for me, hermosa.” He orders, “cum, Chiquita.” He demands, reaching between you to rub your clit in hopes that you’ll fall apart just before he does.

You whimper at the additional stimulation, body tensing under his. Rocking your hips up to his hand until you are falling apart with a choked cry.

“That’s it baby. Fuck. Oh shit. Oh.” He grunts as he thrusts three more times before he’s pulling out to cum on your thigh and over the hay. “Jesus.” He hisses, unable to believe he couldn’t even hold off until he could jerk himself.

You don’t know if you should be grateful or insulted that he pulled out to cum. You’re on birth control but he doesn’t know that. You decide that you just won’t address it. “Well….that just happened.” You hum, leaning back into the hay to catch your breath.

Javier chuckles, “yeah. A bit overdue.” He confesses and you freeze under him. 

“It’s getting late and I- we need to-” You rush out as you push on his chest and he frowns as he shifts off of you, working fast to tuck himself back into his pants.

“Hermosa-“ Javi starts and you grab your panties and hurry to put them back on after using some hay to wipe the cum off your skin. 

“We should get back.” You interrupt. “Mom worked hard on dinner.” You are confused and need time to process what just happened. “Don’t come in right behind me.” You tell him before you rush towards the house.

Javier stares at the barn door you rushed out of. His stomach twisting, and he rubs his cheek, "shit." He hisses, unsure of what happens next. He gave in. He gave in to the fucking feelings and desires he has had for years. He should've stayed away, not hurt you anymore than he has. "Fuck." He growls as he stands and the horses look over at him. "Don't look at me like that, asshole." He growls at the horse before he corrects his clothes and makes his way back to the house.

You slip into the house and down the hall to the bathroom. Staring at your reflection in the mirror and wondering what the fuck you have done. You crossed a line with Javier and now you are in unfamiliar water. Huffing before you grab a rag and start cleaning yourself up better so you don’t smell like cum.

Javier slips back into the living room, grabbing the beer his dad offers him and he sits down and stares at the empty hall. “Huh?” He grunts at his dad who asks him a question. 

“I asked if you got all the animals fed and watered.” Chucho repeats with a suspicious frown and Javi nods. 

“Yeah. I did. I- they are good.” He says half minded as he sips the beer and wonders what the fuck you’re thinking.

You probably spend more time in the bathroom than you should, checking your reflection to make sure no one can tell what you’ve been up to. Finally turning off the light and slipping out of the bathroom and into the kitchen to grab a glass of wine.

Javier watches you rush into the kitchen and Chucho notices. “You need to talk to her, mijo. Tell her what happened.” He urges and Javier shakes his head, “she wouldn’t believe me anyway.” Your mom calls for everyone to get around the table, it’s time for dinner. When Javier comes to the table, you’re downing the glass of wine in your hand, and he sighs when he takes a seat opposite you.

Your eyes slide over to him and you lower the glass as you swallow the last of the wine down. “What?” You ask, wondering why he is sighing. He got what he wanted, and you even stayed. 

“Oh sweetie, you want more?” Your mother asks and you nod. 

“Please?” You ask desperately. “I need it.”

Javi frowns as you take a gulp of your now full glass of wine. Your mom wants to say grace and Javier joins his hand with yours. Opening one eye to see what you’re doing, he rubs his thumb over the back of your hand, silently relaying he wants to talk later.

You shiver and when the prayer is over, you quickly pull your hand out of Javi’s. “Food looks amazing, mom.” You gush. “You did a fantastic job.”

Javier nods, "it's really good, ma'am." He says and your mom rolls her eyes, "how many times I gotta tell you to not call me that?" She reminds him and he chuckles, "sorry ma'am." 

He winks at her and she giggles, making Chucho snort, "stop flirting with my wife, boy." He teases his son who rolls his eyes, "unless you're trying to make good with my step daughter." Chucho says and Javier chokes on his food.

You laugh, a little butter and shake your head. “Hell no.” You assure Chucho. “You don’t have to worry about that. I don’t think he’s ever even looked at me twice.” You flash the older man a smile and a small shrug.

Javier frowns, glancing across the room to the tree where his present for you is. He wonders if you’ll like it or if you’re going to reject it…and him. He downs the rest of his beer and digs back in to his food, anxious and not liking the way you dismissed him so easily.

You eat quietly, ignoring the way that your mother and Chucho exchange pointed looks. Reminding yourself that you just need to survive the holiday and then you’ll never see or hear from Javier again. “So what are your plans?” Your mom asks and you shrug. 

“Work.” You answer quietly. “Always work.”

Javier chimes in, “you can’t always work. Life has to fit in sometimes. A personal life.” He knows he’s a hypocrite saying that when his own world has revolved around work for so long. “Gotta have a balance.” He’s realized that now he’s older.

“One day.” You huff. “I’ll find a life when I get my promotion.” You have told yourself that for countless milestones but you never do. You enjoy your relatively drama free personal life. 

“Honey…..you need to start dating.” Your mom puts in and you roll your eyes. “No thanks. I’m good.”

Javier snorts, “more like she’s scared of what could happen if she actually cared for someone.” He says and Chucho nudges his leg under the table in a warning.

Your eyes slide towards Javier and narrow. “Tried that once. He was a pig.” You hiss. “Decided that it wasn’t worth my time. Even though I don’t fuck for sport, I find plenty of companionship when I want it.” Your mom hisses your name, but you don’t back down from staring at the man who drives you insane.

Javier clenches his jaw at your thinly veiled insult towards him. He didn’t get a chance to explain what happened. He just wants a chance to tell you what went down that night. “Yeah. I’m sure you do.” Javier scoffs, “even in the middle of nowhere.”

Smirking, you shrug. “Mistakes happen, right?” You say smugly. You know now that you were just a notch in his belt. You can leave without any regrets. “Quickly forgotten.”

He shakes his head and scoffs, picking up another beer he had on the table to sip. "I don't forget things as easily. If ever." He says, letting himself stare at you and wanting to see you become uncomfortable under his gaze.

The table becomes a battleground, each one of you staring at the other. Unwilling to back down, you glare at Javi, wondering why you ever had that moment of insanity and let him touch you.

The dessert is finally served and Chucho and your mom are relieved. "Maybe we can have a drink on the porch?" Your mom suggests, wanting to get some air after dessert is finished. 

Chucho nods, "you kids can do the washing up." He says, following your mom after grabbing the bottle of wine, to follow her out on the porch.

Instead of speaking, you just start collecting the dirty dishes and your chair scrapes back from the table. Quickly moving to the sink to start some dish water to wash dishes. The quicker that you clean up, the quicker that you can escape Javier.

Javier huffs when you try to clean up as quickly as possible to get away from him. You are washing a dish when he places his arms on either side of you, trapping you against the sink. “Why’d you run away?” He asks, meaning tonight, the bar that night, and from town, all in the same heavy question. His nose running along your neck, “why’d you run?”

“You made your choice.” You jerk away from him and concentrate on the dishes. Refusing to melt under his casual seduction. “It wasn’t me. Why would I stick around and watch you play house with her?” You demand. “I’m not that pathetic.”

Javier sighs and rests his hands on the counter. “I didn’t- I was there to meet you. I was gonna have the date with you and she pounced on me. You didn’t see me push her away. I told her I was done with her and then you- you never showed and I thought I had my answer. That you didn’t feel the same way. So I went back to Lorraine, trying to figure out how the fuck to fall out of love with you.” He confesses, “you- you made me - you broke my heart that night.” He admits and knows you won’t believe him.

“Bullshit.” You close your eyes, hands under the water and you take a deep breath to keep from crying. The problem is that you want to believe it, want to believe that he had not intentionally been horrible. “Your hands were on her ass and her tongue was down your throat.” You remind him. “Look, I can’t - it’s not-“ you sigh again. “You fucked me, okay? You got what you wanted. It was pretty good. Wouldn’t mind if it happened again, but I don’t need words anymore. You changed me that night, you broke me.”

He shakes his head, “she put my hands on her ass and shoved her tongue down my throat. She - she forced herself on me and I- I pushed her away seconds later. You didn’t see me push her away. She knew how I- fuck. She knew how I felt about you and she was jealous. That’s why we broke up the first time. She found out about my feelings for you and dumped me. Then she wanted me back. Shit. I love you. I still love you.” He chokes, hating how vulnerable he feels.

Eyes wide, you turn your head and look at him in shock. “You still love me?” You ask in disbelief. “You haven’t seen me in forever and you’ve- you’ve moved on. You knew where I was, you could have come to me, but you got engaged to her.”

“I thought you hated me. You never returned my calls. Wouldn’t answer your door to me. Your mom said you’d left and I- I figured I’d do the right thing after Lorraine told me she was pregnant. She wasn’t. She lied so I’d propose and she railroaded a wedding that ended with me leaving her hanging at the altar. I couldn’t do it. I left that same day to go to the DEA and then all those years in Colombia. I never stopped thinking about you. And seeing you now…made me remember why I love you.” He finishes, unsure and so unused to declarations of love but you need to know the truth.

“Why?” You demand, unwilling to believe it right away yet it sounds like something Lorraine would do. “Why would you love me? I’ve been cold and sarcastic to you. Other than in the barn just before dinner.”

Javier chuckles, “honestly? I loved you back then because you’re funny, you’re kind. You’re my best friend and I fell in love with you without even realizing it and it fucking terrified me but baby, I was a coward then. I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to make a difference. I’m older now, I got that out of my system and I know what I want. I want you. I want to love you. You’re even more gorgeous and fucking sexy when you get mad at me.” He confesses, “but I guess you hate me too much and I get that. I- forget I said anything. Forget what happened in the barn. Let’s just get the holidays over with and you can leave.” He says as he pushes off of the counter to head down the hall to wallow and try to smother his mortification.

You should follow him, but you know that whatever you say right now, Javier will believe that it’s out of pity. Sighing to yourself as you finish up the dishes. Unsure of how to process this, and what you feel. You’ve been angry at him for so long because you were in love with him. Desperately so. Are you still angry because you’re still in love with him? Or the version of him from so many years ago? It’s confusing and frustrating, so when you’re done, you walk down the hall, pausing in front of his door.

Javier hears you outside of his room, and he sits up, glasses perched on his nose as he sets the book down he bought in the airport in hopes of relaxing enough to read something at some point. That hope is short lived and he deflates when he hears you continue down the hall to your room. You hate him. He fucked it up. With a sigh, he takes his glasses off and tosses the book onto the nightstand, deciding to get some sleep instead of letting his mind wander all night long.

The night passes, restlessly tossing and turning. Your sleep is interrupted by dreams of what could have been if you hadn’t run away. Javier as your husband, celebrating Christmas and bringing the baby for Chucho and your mom to spoil. Waking up before the sun rises, you slip out of the bed and into the kitchen to make coffee and sneak a cigarette. You had only brought one pack, but you’re going to smoke all of them before the holiday is over obviously.

Javier groans as he gets up, his back aching more than it used to. Fuck, he’s getting old. He takes a piss and brushes his teeth before heading into the kitchen wearing some boxers he grabbed off of the floor. It doesn’t seem like anyone is up yet until he sees the coffee pot. Pouring himself a cup, he heads onto the porch to find you smoking. “Those things will kill you.” He says, shivering at the cool air and taking a sip of his coffee.

“Hello pot.” You blow out the smoke and look at the cigarette. “I’m kettle. Didn’t you smoke a cigarette in the car with my mom? Besides, I hadn’t smoked in nearly a month before I came here.”

Javier snorts, “nice to meet you kettle.” He chuckles softly, taking another sip of his coffee and he walks over to you, plucking the cigarette out of your hand so he can take a drag, his eyes fixed on yours.

You huff slightly but you don’t glare at him. Taking a sip of your coffee and then looking out over the ranch. “Your dad is good for my mother.” You admit quietly. “She gushes when she talks about him and never thought that she would ever find someone to make her happy after dad died.”

Javier nods, “I never thought my dad would find someone after my mom died. It was hard…her dying so young of cancer and he - he struggled. We both did. I think that’s why I wanted to get out of Laredo as soon as possible when I had the chance. All those years away…I didn’t achieve anything really. Didn’t change the world. Those bastards are still peddling drugs across the border and I- I missed out on an opportunity to try and get the woman I love to be mine.” He says as he takes another drag.

“From what everyone has said, you managed to find plenty of companionship in Colombia.” You hadn’t wanted to talk about Javier, but your mom had kept you informed about his doings. “If you had convinced her, you couldn’t have done that. Not without losing your dick.”

“I - I was getting information. Men like to blabber when they are inside a beautiful woman. It got us a lot of intel and those women got to feed their kids. And if I had convinced her, I wouldn’t have gone. And I wouldn’t have had that kind of companionship. Life happens and here we are. Together. On this porch. It’s Christmas. Merry Christmas baby.” He murmurs, slowly leaning towards you. He takes a second to let you lean back before kissing your cheek.

“Merry Christmas.” You murmur, closing your eyes at the feeling of his lips against your cheek. “You have gone. I wouldn’t have wanted you to give up on your ideals and dreams for a relationship. I’m not Lorraine.”

He nods after he pulls back, “you’re not Lorraine. You- you’re you. I should’ve seen you earlier and I’m sorry. About everything. Last night. The night before. All the nights before that. I fucked up, hermosa. Just - just be happy, yeah?” He says as he hands you back the cigarette and heads inside, ready to nurse his heart.

“Javi- stop.” Reaching out, you touch his wrist. “Don’t go. I don’t know- who knows what would have happened?” You ask softly. “Back then. But I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m tired of avoiding you.”

Javier stares at you and nods, “let’s start again.” He walks up to you and holds his hand out, “hi. I’m Javier Peña. Ex- DEA agent. Total fuck up and chain smoker.” He declares with a soft smirk.

You chuckle quietly and introduce yourself. “Workaholic, total bitch and secret smoker.” You hum, squeezing his hand gently. “Nice to meet you.”

Javier squeezes your hand back and grins, “pleasure, baby. It’s a pleasure.” He winks and the lights in the kitchen turn on as your mom enters. “You two are out here? It’s so cold. Come inside.” She demands and Javier winks at you again as he lets you walk in ahead of him.

“Merry Christmas, mom.” You swoop in for a hug and she eyes you suspiciously. 

“Please, please behave today.” She begs quietly, making you feel guilty for how rude you’ve been. 

“I will, mom. Javi and I have called a truce.”

Javier nods as he comes over to give your mom a hug and wish her Merry Christmas. “We called a ceasefire for today.” He promises, “we are gonna make today special.” He assures her and she eyes you both cautiously. “I guess we will see.” She hums, “now, you both wanna help me with breakfast?” She asks and you nod.

Making breakfast doesn’t cause any arguments. Javi follows directions surprisingly well and there are moments that you snicker at his dry wit. Once upon a time, you were best friends and if nothing else, you wouldn’t mind having your friend back. Chucho comes in when it’s ready, sleeping in for once and you’re proud of the fact that he’s obviously been away but stayed in bed to rest. “Good morning.” You hum, kissing your stepfather on the cheek. “Feliz Navidad.”

Javier gives his Pa a hug and wishes him merry Christmas. “Breakfast is ready. Let’s sit down and eat and then presents.” Your mom exclaims with excitement, eager to give Chucho her present that she’s thought of since last Christmas.

You bite your lip. Remembering the gift you had picked out for Javier. Hopefully he won’t be too upset since you had bought him something else to replace it. It was a shitty gift, but you were angry when you went shopping. “Sounds great.” You murmur.

The breakfast goes well, civil conversation, and soon you and Javi are quickly washing up while your mom sorts out the gifts from under the tree. “Gift time!” She declares and Javier is anxious about what you think.

You hum and coo when your mother opens the beautiful bracelet that Chucho bought her. “Oh it’s so pretty. You have taste, obviously.” You joke, grinning at him as he puts it on your mother’s wrist.

Chucho grins, happy that your mom is happy and he kisses the back of her hand after securing the bracelet. “It’s so beautiful.” Your mom coos and Chucho winks, “para mi esposa hermosa.” He charms her and she giggles like a schoolgirl. Javier chuckles, pleased to see his dad so happy. Chucho opens his present from your mom. A new shotgun and he is grinning as he examines it. “This is perfect, honey.” He says, knowing his shotgun collection has been a little dated and he needs something new. “This is perfect for out in the fields.” He says, testing the weight of it before he carefully sets it down in the corner. 

“You next.” Your mom says, handing you your presents from her and Chucho and from Javi.

You open the gift from your mother and Chucho, exclaiming happily when they got you a pair of tickets to a concert that you have wanted to go to. “Oh this is wonderful!” You tell them. When it comes to Javi’s gift, you’re surprised when you see the name tag. You hadn’t expected to get anything from him. “You- you didn’t have to get me anything.” You huff

Javier shakes his head slightly, “it’s not much.” He lies even as his stomach twists at the thought of you opening the present. He hopes you don’t hate them. He bites his lip as you take your time unwrapping the small box.

Opening up the small box you gasp in surprise. It’s a necklace. A gorgeous one that has the most beautiful stones in it. “Javi-“ you whisper, wondering where he got this and when. “It’s gorgeous.”

Javier smiles, pleased you like the necklace. “I, uh, I saw it when I was in Colombia and…and I knew it was made for you. I got it. Wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to give it to you.” He admits and rubs his hands together, nervous about you liking the necklace.

“It’s beautiful.” You admit quietly, more moved than you can express for him buying a necklace that he didn’t even know he would give you. “Will you put it on me?” You ask softly.

He nods, standing up and taking the chain from you. His heart is thumping as he delicately fastens the chain around your neck, barely resisting the urge to lean in and kiss your shoulder. “Hermosa.” He murmurs as he steps back from you.

“Thank you.” You murmur quietly, looking into his eyes and hoping that you are showing him how much you appreciate it. “It makes me feel bad now.” You admit as you pick up the parcel you had wrapped for him

He shakes his head and brings it up to his ear, “is it a bomb?” He teases and you giggle, shaking your head. He rips into the paper, exposing the box and he frowns. “Hemorrhoid cream?” He asks, confused and honestly a little hurt.

“Because you’re a ‘pain in my ass’.” You joke lamely and bite your lip before motioning to the other wrapped gift. “I did buy you something else. Your real present.”

Javier sets the cream with an amused snort and he grabs the other present, opening it, and his eyes widen at the expensive leather. His fingers trace the engraving of his initials on the journal and he looks at you. “Thank you. This is - it’s perfect.” He was considering writing down his experiences in Colombia. Something a therapist suggested to him. Perhaps a book in the future.

“I thought it would be appropriate to journal or just write down your thoughts.” You admit, happy that he likes the real gift you had picked out. “The cream was a gag gift, but I wanted you to have something nice.”

He leans in to kiss your cheek, “I love it. The journal. Although…I could use the cream now and then.” He jokes as he leans back. “Thank you.” He murmurs, his eyes flicking down to your lips.

“You’re welcome.” You smile and Chucho clears his throat. “Oh, um, I’m sure you want to open the present from mom and your dad.” You tell him, quickly pulling back and looking at the other present.

Javier nods and moves back to the sofa, sitting down, and he opens the present from his dad and your mom. “Seriously?” His eyes widen and his dad nods, “you need your own place and I don't need a damn teenager in the house.” Chucho teases, “it’s been empty since Jose left a few months ago. It’s yours if you want it.” Chucho offers Javier the keys to the small house that sits on the other side of the ranch, built for the ranch hand by Chucho’s parents. “Thank you.” Javier grins, happy to have his own place and still be able to live on the ranch of his ancestors. 

“Just need you to fill the place up with grandbabies.” Your mom teases and Javier blushes slightly, “gotta find a lady willing to put up with my ass.”

You feel like his eyes are on you and you try to ignore it. “You gave away a house?” You look over at your mom and Chucho, impressed. “So I guess that means Javi is sticking around?”

Javier nods, “I’m staying. I’m done with the DEA. I’m here to help Pa on the ranch. I was gonna look for places in town but this - this is perfect.” He declares, looking back down at the keys in his hand.

You swallow harshly, remembering all the fantasies you had about you and Javi working in the ranch with his dad and one day taking it over. “That’s great. Having your privacy is always a good thing. Saves for embarrassing encounters in the morning.” You joke, wondering if he had meant what he said about still loving you. If he imagined the same life you had before.

Javier stares at you for a long moment, imagining that life with you. Marriage. Children. He never imagined it with anyone else, even Lorraine. He never wanted it with her. When she told him she was pregnant, he was so upset. “Thanks Pa.” Javi leans over to pat his dad on the back before he thanks your mom.

You watch as Javi hugs your mom and gather up the wrapping paper and trash to throw it away. “If you want to go look at the place, I’ll help mom with dinner.” You offer.

“You wanna come look with me? Might need your interior design skills.” He says, tilting his head, and he hopes you don’t decline.

“Oh honey, go with him.” Your mom interjects. “We did most of the hard stuff yesterday. Go get dressed and go see it.” She doesn’t know why the two of you are acting better, but she wants to encourage it as much as possible.

Javier nods, deciding to get dressed too while you do. You meet him outside and he escorts you to the cabin. Tempted to hold your hand but he refrains as you walk in comfortable silence for the first time in years.

The cabin is set apart from the house that his father shares with your mother and the barns. Built about a football field away, the separation is nice. “So you’re back for good?”

“Yeah. I- I didn’t really get a chance to tell you but I’m back.” He rubs his neck, “retired from the DEA and staying in Laredo for good. Pa needs more help now he’s getting older.” He explains, stepping up into the small porch and jangling the keys.

“Well, that’s good.” You tell him. “There once was a time I imagined working here.” You admit. “Living here.” You shake your head at how foolish you were. “Life never turns out the way we expect, huh?”

Javier opens the door and lets you enter first, his dark eyes trained on you as you walk into the house. “You still could if you wanted to.” He murmurs, leaving the door open behind him in case you dash like you always seem to do.

“Oh, I don’t think Chucho and mom would like me staying under their roof for long.” You purposely misunderstand. “It feels like they're still in their honeymoon stage.” You huff a laugh. “I think I heard them last night when I went to the bathroom.”

Javier wrinkles his nose, “I love them but Jesus, didn’t need to know about the old man getting his rocks off.” He shakes his head as if to shake the image. “Baby, I meant you living here…with me.” He says, turning back towards you to see your reaction.

Your eyebrows furrow slightly and you bite your lip. “You would want that?” You ask seriously. “You’ve- you’re a confirmed bachelor, that’s what everyone says.” You had heard the whispers about Javier being home when you were out shopping. “‘Javi will never settle down.’” You quote. “You really want me living with you and holding you back from chasing whatever skirt catches your eye?”

Javier scoffs, turning away from you to look at the kitchen. “I’m tired of it. I don’t want to wake up in another bed I need to sneak out of. I’m sick of not having someone to be my best friend, to share a life with. I’m old. I’m too old to be out there fucking anything with a pulse and I don’t want to. I want you. I want a life with you. I always have. I won’t beg you. If you don’t want that…want me…I get it.” He shrugs, glad he’s turned away from you to hide his hurt expression.

“Why don’t we…..” you reach out and touch his shoulder. “Date?” You suggest. “It’s been a long time since we’ve been in each other’s lives. What if we’re different from what we remember? What if I’m not the idealized version of me that you have fantasized about being with?” It hurts to admit that, but being rejected again would kill you. “So while we’re here together, we get to know each other now and we can figure out if we would want it permanently.”

Javier turns to look at you. His eyes are burning into yours and he doesn’t see any malice, you’re not messing with him. You’re being honest and he can’t ask for more. He nods, “we can do that.” He promises, “I want to try.”

“I- I want to try that too.” You admit softly, eyes cutting away from his in embarrassment and you look around the little ranch house. “This is gorgeous.” It’s got some basic furniture in it, so Javi shouldn’t have to get much to make it a home. “Are you going to move in today?”

“I’m thinking I might do some work on it. Move in tomorrow.” He says, glancing around at the things that need to be updated. “I wouldn’t mind your help. I was serious about that. I’m hopeless at decorating a home. I need help.”

“I doubt that.” You scoff, Javier has always had good taste in everything. “But I’ll help. What do you want to do?”

“Probably going to change the sofa. This thing has been here forever and I have an idea of what’s happened on it.” Javier wrinkles his nose, “Jose used to brag about his conquests.”

You snort and send him a smirk. “So you’ve never fucked on a sofa?” You ask. “Stuck to the bed and piles of hay in a barn?” You tease. “Obviously no shower sex, either. You were shocked to see me in the shower the other day.”

“I’ve fucked on a sofa. In the shower. In the car. Pretty much every surface but hay in the barn was a first with you.” He admits. “I was shocked because - because I didn’t expect to see you there and I - Jesus, it’s all I could think about after. What would’ve happened if I had stepped in there and fucked you against the tiles.”

You’re surprised by his admission and your cunt clenches in reaction. “I probably would have slapped you at the time.” You admit, smirking at the idea of slapping him and then fucking him. “But I would have let you fuck me after. I’m weak like that.”

Javier chuckles, “probably wouldn’t have minded the slap. Made me fucking hard as steel when you did it last night.” He admits, shifting to lean against the kitchen counter.

“Really?” Your brow ticks up in surprise and you smirk at the little secret he’s just revealed. “Javier Peña likes his sex a little rough. Interesting.” You tease. “Slapping is on the table, you obviously like to bite, how do you feel about handcuffs?”

“Depends on who’s wearing them. I ain’t against getting handcuffed to the headboard so you can ride my face.” He admits, “or I could handcuff you and make you scream my name after I suck on your clit all night long.”

It’s so casual, the way he throws out sexual escapades. You shiver slightly and snort. “No man wants to just eat a woman out all night.” You tell him. “Maybe getting their dick sucked, but not using their own mouth.”

“One man.” He says and points to himself. “Always love seeing a woman cum on my tongue. Didn’t get to do that to you last night.” He hums, “and I’m sure that’s not something you’re interested in with me.” He teases, crossing his arms.

You huff and roll your eyes. “You were too busy dreaming of shoving your cock inside me.” You remind him, even though you had been pretty desperate for the same thing. “I don’t know, it would mean using the couch or the bed that’s seen so much action. Since I doubt you’d want your dad to hear.”

Javier chuckles and pushes off of the kitchen counter, stepping towards you. "Hermosa...that couch has seen some action. I'm sure it wouldn't mind a little more before it gets taken to the dump. You wanna sit on my face for Christmas?" He asks, "or we can go back to the house and act like this never happened?"

“Face sitting for Christmas?” You giggle at the idea and bite your lip. “Nothing to hang onto, but I could lay down and you could do what you wanted. Learning the oral skills of your partner is an important part of dating, isn’t it?”

Javier smirks and nods, “exactly. Important to establish early on. Now…strip for me, hermosa. I want to see all of you.” He orders and rubs his lower lip with his thumb, his cock pressing against the zipper of his jeans.

You tut, but you don’t argue with him. He didn’t get to see you last night and in some small way, you want to show him what he’s been missing. Keeping your eyes on his, you reach for the hem of your light sweater and pull it over your head to toss it aside. “You know you’re handsome.” You grumble. “Cocky asshole. Always aware of how many women want to fuck you.”

He snorts and pulls his shirt over his head. “There’s only one woman I want to fuck me right now.” He promises, “might be the last one I fuck.” He declares and watches you, his dark eyes taking in the sight of your tits unhindered by a dress. “Jesus, baby. You’re gorgeous.” He murmurs when you push your leggings down after kicking off your shoes.

“And you’re a kiss ass.” You tease, even though his words make you preen. 

“I’ll kiss your ass.” Javi smirks and you turn around to bend over while you pull your panties down.

He groans softly and wraps his fingers around his cock. “Baby. Go kneel on the sofa.” He orders, wanting to taste you. He’s aching but he desperately wants to make you cum on his tongue.

You sway your hips enticingly as you walk over to the sofa. Kneeling down and bending over the armrest. You look over your shoulder and smirk at Javi. “What are you waiting for?”

He practically growls as he rushes over to the sofa, kneeling on the floor and he nudges your knees apart until he can push his tongue deep into your pussy. Sliding against your clit immediately so he can taste you and God, he fucking loves the tang of your arousal.

“Jav!” Your cry is nearly cut off, strangled by the groan you give. He’s eager and that eagerness translates into a quick tongue and demanding jaw. Working into you and over your clit with a ferocity you haven’t experienced. “Oh God, fuck, Javi.” You whine, grinding back against his tongue.

He groans into you, loving the way you take what you need. His fingers grab your ass, working you open even more and his tongue slides up to push against your puckered hole.

Gasping, your hips rock forward. "Javi!" You squeal, unused to anyone ever sticking anything near that area. "Don't- just my pussy." You warble out.

He doesn’t push you, sliding his tongue down to push it into you with a groan, your arousal hitting his taste buds and he groans your name into your flesh. His hands massage your ass and he’s aching to push inside of you but doesn’t.

You shudder and moan. "I'm sorry-" you gasp out. "No one- I've never-" You know you can't compare with some of the women you know he must have been with. You don't have the experience. You aren't a virgin, but you didn't bed hop as often as you had insinuated. "Oh God."

Javier pulls back, his hands caressing your hips. “Hey. It’s okay. I pushed you and you have limits. I want you to tell me if you don’t like something or aren’t sure. Trust me baby, I want you to enjoy this.”

"I just never have done that." You admit breathlessly. "I don't want you to think I'm a stuck up prude. I just -" You shrug, embarrassed, "was shocked."

“It’s okay.” He promises and leans forward to kiss along your hip and your ass cheek. “It’s okay baby. I want you to enjoy this and I don’t care if you haven’t done anything there. Your pussy is sweet enough for me.” He promises, giving you a moment in case you want him to stop.

You remind yourself that you aren't telling him no, you're telling him not right now. It can be something you talk about when you aren't naked. "Are you going to make me cum?" You ask saucily. "Or was that all talk?"

Javier chuckles, “I am a man of action, hermosa.” He promises and leans in to bite your ass cheek. He kisses the skin until he ducks down to slide his tongue through your folds again. A groan vibrates through you from him and he squeezes your hips as he resumes sucking on your clit.

You moan softly, eyes slipping closed as Javi feasts on your cunt. That's all you can think of, the man behind you feasting as he groans and grunts into your cunt. He sounds like he's enjoying it and you love how wanton it makes you. "So good." You whimper. "Thought your mustache was stupid until right now."

He chuckles into your pussy, wanting to tell you how it’s not stupid but he’s more occupied with making you cum. He sucks on your clit, determined to make you cum on just tongue. He hisses as you reach back to tangle your fingers in his hair and he goes harder, pushing his tongue into you and pressing his nose to your clit.

You don't know how long he has his lips wrapped around your clit and you don't care. Every second is amazing and makes your cunt clench around nothing. If you could just have his cock buried inside you, it would be a dream. "I'm gonna cum." You warn him, stomach knotted in pleasure and his groans vibrating against the bundle of nerves. He sucks harshly and you squeal his name, body spasming in pleasure as you come apart.

He loves hearing you cum. Jesus, his cock is leaking into the fabric of the sofa, and he groans your name, muffled by your folds as he works you through your orgasm.

Javier seems to know exactly when to pull away from you. Slurping up every drop of your pleasure until your limbs are heavy and you are melting into the cushions. "Fuck," you pant. "I - fuck me, baby." You beg breathlessly. "I need to feel you inside me."

He can’t deny you or himself. He shifts to kneel on the sofa behind you, pumping himself a couple of times until he’s notching himself at your entrance and pushing into you with a groan. “Fuck.” He pants, “so goddamn tight.” He murmurs, knowing he’s never felt like this before. It’s like coming home.

You purposefully squeeze your walls together to make him groan, giggling when he slaps your ass. "Kegels." You tell him breathlessly. "Keeps everything nice and tight."

“Goddamn.” He mutters and starts to move inside of you. Rocking slow to pull out until he’s surging forward to rock into you hard. “Want you to scream my name. No one can hear you this far out.” He reminds you, “wanna hear you cry out.”

The house is farther away from the barn, making you nod and release your lip from your teeth. You had been biting down when he started moving, trying to stifle the sounds. He feels so much bigger from this position. "Oh fuck, Jav- I, fuck!"

“That’s it. Scream for me, hermosa.” He grunts, loving the way you let go and rock back onto him. His fingers dig into your hips and he shifts to cover your back with his chest, his lips finding your neck as he cups your tits. Squeezing them, he bites down on your shoulder.

"Fuck Javi-" You love how he is using his teeth, marking you. "Harder." You whine, not sure if you mean the thrusts, the teeth or them both. "Fuck me. Use me."

He grunts, pushing into you harder. He bites down on your shoulder again and soothes it with his tongue. “So fucking good. Pussy feels like a vice.” He grunts against your skin, “so good.”

"God, sooooo good." You moan, eyes rolling back and your arms shaking under you. "No wonder she didn't want to let you go." You don't want to start a fight, not while he's buried inside you, but you can see why Lorraine didn't want Javi moving on. "Oh fuck, baby."

“Gotten better since then with practice.” He confesses, “and you’re the last one to benefit if you want.” He adds, “you’ll be the pussy I live and die with.” He promises, “if you want me. I’m yours.” He vows and kisses along your neck.

You shiver because of his words and his lips trailing over your skin. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Peña." You moan, turning your head to look over your shoulder at him. "No promises while you're balls deep."

He hums, “fine.” He doesn’t argue, but he’s disappointed you never say that’s what you want. He pushes deep again, hunched over you, and the springs of the sofa struggle as he fucks you.

You can tell he's disappointed in your reaction to his comment but you can't make decisions like that when he's touching you. You're already so vulnerable. His next thrust has you crying out his name, nails digging into the fabric of the sofa under you.

“That’s it, hermosa.” He grunts when your walls clench around him. “That’s it, baby. Need you to cum again for me.” He demands, rocking into you over and over, jaw clenched with concentration.

"I will, oh fuck baby, you-" Your moan is low, long as he presses deep and hits something wonderful inside you. "Right there." You gasp. "Right fucking there!"

He groans, rocking into you over and over again, focusing on that same spot. “That’s it baby. That’s it. Cum for me.” He pleads, his voice raspy.

It only takes a few thrusts before your entire body is lurching forward. Back arching as you practically scream his name. Cunt clamping down around him and soaking him in waves of your juices until you are gasping for air.

He lets out a strangled groan as you clamp down on him. “I- fuck- that’s it baby girl. That’s it.” He grunts, “in-inside or no?” He asks, needing to know as he gets closer and closer to his orgasm.

"I'm on the pill." You moan out, eyes closing as you imagine him filling you up. The heat and warmth of his cum coating your insides. "Wherever you want."

He groans at the news he can fill you up. “Fuck baby. I- shit. I’m gonna cum. Gonna fill you up.” He moans and rocks into you a few more times before he chokes, biting down on your shoulder as he throbs inside of you, painting your walls.

It's exactly what you imagined. Hot and thick inside you. Making you whimper as the sharpness of his teeth bruises your shoulder and your cunt spasms because of his sexy groans. "So good."

Javier, groans and kisses the marks he left on your skin. “That was so fucking good, hermosa.” He nudges his nose against your neck as he pulls out of you, uncaring of his cum dripping onto the sofa he’s planning to get rid of.

You hum in agreement, smiling softly when you turn around and sit down. "It was. You have a gift, Peña." You tease. "Now I want a nap." You admit. "I didn't sleep very well last night."

“You wanna nap here or you wanna go somewhere else?” He asks, caressing your back, and he kisses your shoulder. “Or you wanna go back to the house?”

You hum and bite your lip. "There's a bed in the bedroom right?" You ask softly. "I think I would like to take a nap with you." You admit with a smile. "I doubt mom and Chucho will come out here looking for us. They are hoping we start getting along."

Javier smirks and shifts off of the bed and he reaches for you, “come on baby. Let’s go to bed.” He reaches for your hand and he guides you to the bedroom to lay down. “I’ll clean you up.” He promises and guides you to the bedroom before heading into the bathroom to clean you up.

Once you are cleaned up and snuggled against him, you sigh softly. "I've missed you, Javi." You admit, laying against his chest and listening to his heart beat. "I've missed you so much."

He kisses you softly, curling around you. “Merry Christmas baby.” He murmurs, kissing along your neck and he caresses your side as he closes his eyes.

*** 

It’s been a week,  now New Year’s Eve and even though you’ve spent nearly every moment you can in Javier Peña’s bed, you still haven’t had the most important conversation. Too busy getting fucked in every way possible between helping him decorate his new home. Oftentimes sneaking out of the house and over to his after your mother has gone to bed. You never sleep through the night, but you find yourself wanting to. “You look so tired.” Your mom tuts. “Your vacation was supposed to be relaxing.” 

You smother a yawn and smile. “I know. I will go to bed early tonight.”

Javier smirks from across the table, “you gotta get your sleep.” He tells you with a smirk, “what’s been keeping you up at night?” He asks with genuine looking concern that makes your mom shake her head, “are you worried about something, honey?”

"I've been thinking about my future." You admit quietly, not looking over at Javier. It doesn't help that you are sneaking in and out of his bed every night either, but the real thing keeping you up has been deciding what you will do. You know Javi has wanted to talk about it, but you've brushed him off so far.

Javier tilts his head, curiosity getting the better of him when he leans forward and says “and what have you been considering?” Chucho looks between you and his son, having picked up what’s going on, even if your mom is still trying to catch up.

You bite your lip, still nervous about what might be. "I don't know." You murmur quietly. "A lot. It's hard to explain."

Javier nods, not willing to push you anymore. These past ten days have been the best and he isn’t going to force you to be with him. He wants you to want him. To spend your life with him. You have your decision to make and he won’t force you but you’re leaving tomorrow and he is anxious about losing you forever if you go.

You look away from him quickly, unwilling to let your mother see the looks that pass between you but Chucho is watching you carefully. "So we are having the party tonight?" You confirm. "What do we need to do?"

“We are having the food catered. Javier just needs to go collect the drinks and we have some decorations to put out.” Your mom tells you and Javier nods, “I’ll go in a bit to get the drinks.” He tells your mom.

You nod. “That’s good. At least you won’t be pushing yourself to spend all day in the kitchen cooking.” You agree. “I’ll go with Javier, get anything else we need.”

Javier is pleased to hear you want to come with him and you’re soon in his truck heading to the store. He doesn’t say much after he starts the engine and the radio plays as he reaches for your hand.

Your fingers thread through his easily and you imagine yourself doing this every time you go to town together. Holding his hand and sitting in the soft silence with the radio playing. "So have you heard from the DEA?" You know he's temporarily on leave, but that could change, or he could be let go completely. It all depends on how angry they are at him.

He sighs, looking up at the traffic light. “I told you, I’m retired. They have to give me leave before I have my final briefing but I’m hoping they allow me to go without any issues.” He admits, “I ain’t going back. I am here now. To stay.”

Somehow, you don’t believe him, but you nod. “So you want to work the ranch with Chucho? That’s your end goal? Or do you have other plans in mind?”

Javier shrugs one shoulder. “That’s the plan. It all comes down to someone deciding they want to share a life with me and I ain’t gonna force her. I want more than a lonely life chasing down cartels that just get replaced by another.”

You squirm slightly in your seat and wonder if he knows how much pressure that is putting on you. “And what would happen if …..things don’t work out?” You ask softly.

Javier knows he can’t push you or force you into being with him. “If things don’t work out then I’ll be here, working with my Pa and I’ll eventually take over the ranch. I’m tired, baby. I want a simple life and if that’s a life alone, then at least it’s peaceful.” He says, having accepted that you might not want him for more than sex.

He sounds so tired and that hurts you. Squeezing his hand gently, you sigh. “I don’t know what I want.” You admit quietly. “I’m scared. Of being hurt again, I guess. I didn’t date for a long fucking time after leaving and never anything serious.”

He nods, “it’s okay. I don’t - I don’t want to pressure you or force you. I don’t want you to make a decision and make the decision you think I want you to make. I’m scared too. I don’t - I haven’t done this properly. A relationship.” He confesses, “at least not one where I’ve felt like this.”

"What do you feel like?" For all the conversations you've had, which aren't many, you've never really gone beyond 'I love you'. It's important to know why and how he loves you.

“I feel like - it’s comfortable. We can sit and say nothing at all and I don’t feel the need to fill the space with talking. We can just…be.” He says and squeezes your hand. “You’re my best friend. The best sex I’ve ever had, and the woman that I can see having a family with. I love you.”

You bite your lip and look down at your hands. “Tonight.” You promise. “I’ll give you an answer tonight. At midnight.” You still don’t know what you will say but he deserves to know that soon a decision will be made.

He nods, Not wanting you to make a decision and regretting it. “No rush baby. I’ll be here. No matter what.” He promises, “you’ll always be my best friend.”

He told you his theory. That Lorraine had seen you at the bar that night. She apparently knew that Javi was in love with you and that was why they had broken up the first time. It’s plausible, but you still aren’t sure. Javi isn’t a liar, at least he wasn’t, but you don’t know if you don’t trust him or yourself anymore. “Thank you.” You murmur sincerely. “Let’s get the food and alcohol so we can get back and help set up.”

**** 

Javier adjusts his shirt collar, feeling a little heated. Family and friends are gathered in the house and his cousins have the fireworks ready to go for the countdown. He is nervous about what you are going to decide. The rest of his life hangs in the balance and he’s trying to give you some space to make your decision. He sips his whiskey, watching his dad and your mom mingle and you’re across the room making sure his second and third cousins are having a good time and keeping out of the booze. “Countdown in two minutes.” Chucho announces after ten minutes of mingling and gathers the family outside for the fireworks to be set off. Everyone starts moving outside and Javier is looking around, trying to find you in the crowd.

You had slipped off to your room, wanting to make sure that you have your necklace on. It would be a symbolic gesture since you hadn't been wearing it when the party started. Butterflies filling your stomach and making you nearly nauseous. Checking your reflection one more time before slipping out of your bedroom and down the hall to go outside with everyone else. On the porch, you see Javi, craning his neck to look for you and you swallow, knowing that this step will change everything.

Javier almost senses you, turning his head to see you and the smile on his face is boyish. “Hey hermosa.” He murmurs, reaching for your hand to press a kiss to the back of it. His eyes focus on your necklace and his heart thumps a beat but he doesn’t want to assume anything. Not yet. “One minute everyone.” Chucho declares as Danny and some of the other guys get ready for the fireworks to be lit.

“Javi-“ Taking his hand, you turn towards him, swallowing nervously. “I didn’t expect to see you when I agreed to come for Christmas.” You begin. “I didn’t know if I wanted to see you ever again.” It’s hard to admit that, but he knows it’s true. “I had been in love with you for nearly our entire lives and it seemed like you had broken my heart.”

Javier swallows harshly, his heart pounding as your families and friends gather and the radio is loud to announce the countdown. “I did, not on purpose, and I’m so sorry.” He murmurs, getting more and more nervous with each second that passes to the new year.

“I know.” You nod. “But I was so angry, so hurt.” You go on. “Telling myself, you and everyone who would listen, that I couldn’t stand you. That I hated you.” You regret that, especially now that you truly do believe that he hadn’t seen you that night. “You’re here and you want to be with me. It’s probably my younger self’s dream come true.” Everyone around you starts to count down from ten as it gets closer to midnight. You can see that he’s nervous, glancing around and then back at you, but no one else is paying attention. “I have one more question to ask you.” 

Javi frowns. “Anything, hermosa.” 

You grin as everyone hits ‘two’ on the countdown. “Will you marry me, Javier Peña?”

His eyes widen and he doesn’t even take a second to think as he replies, “fuck yes” and surges forward to kiss you, cupping your cheeks, and the fireworks start to go off as the new year arrives. Javier kisses you for a long moment before he leans back to press his forehead against yours. “Happy New Year, baby.” He murmurs, a grin on his face as he looks at his future wife. This holiday season was complicated and rough but Javier is going into the new year looking forward to a bright future with you, the love of his life and soon to be his wife.

[writingsfromhome]

Dos and Don’ts III

A/N: firstly apologies for the wait and secondly I absolutely did not want to cut this into another part but here we are 😢 I think this will change some ppls opinions oops dont hate me

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

——————————————————

I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was off in my life; I felt disconnected from myself, my friends, and most importantly from Gray. But getting Gray to communicate when he didn’t want to could feel like pulling teeth. And I was no dentist.

I figured the solution was to stubbornly throw myself into work. After all, with Harry’s European tour starting March there was always a lot to do.

“Nice of you to get here so early,” Harry says as I step off the elevators just before 9–an hour later than I usually do.

“I had dry cleaning to pick up,” I ignore his sarcasm. “Your tour fits aren’t going to magically appear in the penthouse as nice as that would be for me.”

I keep my tone light, joking, but it’s passive just as he is. And he can’t call passive out.

That’s what working for Harry has been like since December. It was winter outside these walls and inside.

I had originally decided to let it all go after sitting with the party’s events that weekend but upon arriving to work Harry had been particular asshole-ish and I decided two could play at the game. It was like the holiday party never happened. And I was okay with that.

“If they did, I wouldn’t need you would I?” Harry takes on the same tone I do.

Asshole, “yeah, how nice would that be.”

I walk away to his closet to hang up the garment bags.

“You still have two fits that need final fitting. For today, you’ve got a 2pm for your ear plugs and monitors,” I say as I walk back into the main living space. I take in Harry in his bathrobe and bedhead and realize he must be hungover. Which meant extra grumpy. “Also a meeting before noon with Jeff—he’s sick so he’ll do a Zoom. And rehearsals start tomorrow at 8am.”

The long-awaited tour he was rehearsing for was 2 months long and with his tour manager joining him I’d be kind of redundant. We agreed I’d start the tour with him, and then end it as he came back to the UK but I’d take a break in between.

“Good,” Harry sits on a barstool and as the robe parts I hoped he was wearing something underneath. “Are you joining rehearsals?”

“Tomorrow yeah,” I instinctively start tidying the coffee table littered with Harry’s activities from last night. There’s empty bottles and unused rolling papers, takeout containers and unopened bottles.

“Can you stop that,” Harry snaps. He’s wincing when I look up. “The clinking—it’s too loud.”

His second statement comes out softer but it doesn’t make him any less irritating.

“I’ll just toss these ones,” I take the ones I’d gathered in my hand.

“So,” he carries on with the earlier conversation. “Just tomorrow yeah?”

“Yep, to make sure everyone’s there, forms are signed, and all that. Jeff will drop by too. Otherwise I’ll just be there once a week or so since I have other things to complete.”

“So you’ll enjoy the full glory of the show once it’s live on stage?”

“I guess.”

“Please y/n reign in the excitement, it’s just too much.” Harry flexes his sarcasm again.

I look up from the other side of the island and lock eyes with him. With one bottle still in my hand I don’t put it in gently, instead letting it drop onto the others in the bin. His face twists in pain and I get my hit of satisfaction.

“I am excited,” I continue. “I’ll be more excited when you get on tour but right now I’m buried under an insane amount of logistics and stuff. So I’m just pacing myself.”

“Glad you got that out of your system,” he slides off the stool. “Are you sure you want to join tour? It takes a toll.”

“What? Am I taking up the space you reserved for groupies?” I goad.

He pretends to think, “No…we’ve got a whole other bus for that.”

“Great,” I smile. “Then I’ll definitely be there for the start of your tour, cheering you on.”

“Not too hard though,” Harry grabs a water from the fridge and heads towards the bedrooms. “Can’t have all of y/n’s enthusiasm overshadowing my fans.”

I roll my eyes behind his back and choose not to respond, as tempting as it was.

By the end of the week I’ve met everyone that’ll be joining the tour, taken copies of a million contracts and filed a billion papers.

It’s Saturday night and we’re heading home from the studio. Harry, in a twist of kindness, offers to drop me home.

“You don’t live too far,” he comments as we get closer to my building.

“Yeah, I was surprised with that.” It was a stroke of luck having a short commute.

“How does Mr. Duran feel about you coming on tour?”

I throw him a look but he sits there smug, waiting. “Well he’s not keen on me being away from home for so long but otherwise he’s fine.”

“Is he?” Harry extends his knee to nudge mine, irritating me. Just a few more minutes.

“Yes.” I turn to look out the window, no longer interested in the conversation. In reality Gray had been pretty upset that I’d be travelling the continent with womanizer Harry Styles. I’d soothed his fears but he was hard-headed about it.

Originally I’d saved the conversation to be had after New Year’s to not ruin the holidays but Josie had brought up tickets for the tour during Christmas dinner and although I played it off then, he’d been in a mood since.

“You’re an awful liar,” Harry says. I don’t respond. Luckily I’m home.

I figured Sunday, on my day off, Gray and I could catch up and spend quality time together. Maybe iron out some of our kinks. But he tells me he had a few sessions and I’m left alone for most of the day, convinced Gray booked them on purpose but not wanting to admit what that meant.

The following Thursday night, Gray and I finally collide after I’d spent the week stewing in my anger and anxieties.

“Why won’t you just talk to me? I feel like I’m living with a stranger these days.” The conversation starts out semi-tamed as we wash up for dinner.

“You feel that way? Well I’ve seen my fiancée for less than 48 hours a week this last year. Talk about being a stranger.”

“I’ve been taking more time off,” I wonder when he decided to count the number of hours. But it was true—I’d started doing a half-days on most Saturdays and coming home earlier on week nights. Like tonight, I’d been home by half past 6. “I’ve been trying to spend more time at home.”

“Too little too late,” Gray mutters.

“What?”

“I just mean,” he sighs. “I…y/n, we barely get time together. We’re like flatmates these days aren’t we? We haven’t-“

“Don’t you dare Gray,” I wasn’t having this. I refused to hear what he was trying to get at.

“Y/n don’t be difficult-“

“Difficult!? You can’t go radio silent on me and then decide 3 years can just go down the drain.”

“I’m not saying that-“

“Then what are you saying!?”

The silence rings to the corners of our kitchen. The dishes are long forgotten, suds drip down my elbow and onto the floor, and Gray’s towel hangs like a white flag beside him.

“You knew what this job meant—you work with the same clientele, and you encouraged me to go for it. I’m trying to be better I don’t get it.” I finally say.

“I’m saying something needs to change.”

What takes me back the most is the even—even apathetic, tone. It’s the fact that he must have been thinking on this for long enough to be so level-headed about it.

Who has he talked to, I wonder. His sister? Our friends? Who’s advised him to go in this direction because the Grayson I know wouldn’t do me like this. Couldn’t.

Are you even the y/n Grayson knows, a small voice asks in my head.

“We’ve changed, I get it.” My tone takes a pleading ring to it and I hate it. “But you can’t just decide this isn’t worth fighting for Gray-“

“I’m not Y/n,” he puts the towel to the side and grabs my arms. “I’m not throwing anything away but we need to bloody figure something out because…I’m unhappy. And can you really say our relationship is the same? Can you call what we’re in a relationship?”

“Why not?” I whisper, tears choking me. “I thought we love each other and we support each other and-and we see each other through thick and thin.”

“I love you,” Gray squeezes. “And I know we’ve seen each other through thick and thin but…I don’t know if I can keep supporting you at the expense of us.”

“Well what do you want?” I look up into his brown eyes. They’re steady like they usually were.

“I want you, selfishly. I want all of you.”

He had what he wanted, didn’t he get that? He had me. I don’t know what more of me I could give him. And that thought tears me right through.

“What happened to setting a date?” Gray steps back and takes his steady grip with him. I sink into the countertop behind me. “What happened to planning for our future? Marriage and kids and buying a home and doing something more?”

His voice raises as he talks.

“I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for the last year! Just waiting around for you. I don’t know how much longer I can wait-“

“We can set a date,” I say. “We can do all that! You-you haven’t brought up any of it either! If it’s been weighing on your mind why don’t you ever just say something!?”

“I shouldn’t have to!”

I’d hit a nerve. We’d had this conversation a dozen times.

“Of course you do! Like, I’m not a mind reader you’ve been stewing in these feelings for god knows how long and now you’re telling me you’re thinking of-of-of ending things!?”

There, I’d said it.

His face contorts into a flurry of emotions. My body feels ragged just saying these things out loud.

“When I spoke to Stewart and Bex they said-“

“Stewart and…” I was right he’s been talking. “You were talking to Stew and Bex!? Since when did you spend time with Bex?”

“Since I had a lot of time alone at home.”

Fuck, he managed to get the upper hand all the time with that one valid point he had.

“They both agreed with me that this isn’t right. I’m allowed to be upset and ask you for something to change-“

“But why didn’t you talk to me!” The switch to anger is quick when he admits he was talking to our friends. I think about the last few times we saw them—had they been judging me? Had Gray told them by then?

Gray tries to brush past and tell me more about his validated feelings, about how things had changed. I can’t hear anymore.

“This decision you seem to want to make for both of us should involve me too and yet you make it the talk of the town before consulting me. I’m so goddamn tired of the way you shut down Gray I-“

“I’m tired!” He butts in. “I’m tired of watching things change and being forced to move past it.”

I stare at him. He’s not bending whatsoever. He’s not even understanding the frustration at being the last to know his feelings on our fucking relationship. Didn’t he understand how iced out that made me feel? When I’ve been trying to be as mindful as I can?

“You know what Gray,” I sneer. “You talk about us changing but did you ever think that we’ve been changing since we first met!? The only thing that’s different now is we stopped talking!”

I throw the rest of the dishes into the soapy water and storm out to the only safe haven I had right now—our bed.

Everyone wanted parts of me I couldn’t give and I felt torn to shreds! I hardly recognized the girl in the mirror, I hardly remembered what it felt like to be me.

The only time I felt centered, a bit of calm, was here. With Gray.

And now I knew the feelings weren’t mutual. He’d been thinking of ending things while I had curled in his arms. While I had kissed him goodnight and hello. While we had dinner or drinks. While we hung out with friends who were privy to all the cracks in our relationship. Who knows how long it had been a one-sided feeling.

I bury my head into my pillow wanting to scream and cry at the same time. My head hurts but mostly my heart hurts. I feel betrayed by my bestest friend and the person I love the most.

You’re no better, the ugly voice in my head shows up again. You’ve done things you should be ashamed of.

I block the voice out. I block it all out until all I feel is numb.

Gray doesn’t come to bed at all that night. I drag myself out of the nest I’d created some time around midnight, thinking he fell asleep on the sofa. To tell him to come to bed since I knew our sofa wasn’t long enough for him to even fit on.

I sway in the middle of the empty living room. There’s nobody here. Definitely not Gray. He’d left altogether, to wherever he’s been finding refuge recently.

It hits me; I think I’ve done this to myself. I was alone. Really alone.

***

The scowl is permanently etched onto my face as I go about my Friday morning. I feel Harry’s eyes on me a few times but even he doesn’t broach the subject. We silently maneuver around each other until he leaves for rehearsal.

I think about calling my friends to talk about this but I realize all my friends who were up to date on my life had become interwoven with Gray’s. And I already know Gray complained about my job to them based on a few parties last year. So they definitely wouldn’t be unbiased listening to anything I said.

I regret then, not staying in touch more with my friends back home. For the first time in years I feel a bit homesick.

I decide busying myself with work would be the only thing to keep me sane so I throw on headphones and get down to business.

As the day starts to come to an end I put on Harry’s stereo with the mournful songs that had been comforting me today and grab a seltzer from the fridge. He wouldn’t be home until 8 tonight and he’s always been open about using whatever was in the general living spaces.

So I nearly have a heart attack when I see a shadow from the corner of my eyes around 6.

I give a shout when it comes with a voice and once my senses return I realize it’s just a sweaty Harry back early from rehearsal.

“What? Are you doing here!?” I press on my pounding heart. “Alexa music off.”

He’s grinning at the way I reacted and now he laughs, it’s a bending-over laugh and I chuckle myself as I replay how dramatic it all was.

“Wow.” He says when he finally catches his breath. “I wish I had that on video.”

“Jesus,” I swear. “I thought you’d be home a lot later.”

“So this is what happens when I’m not home,” he teases.

“Only on Fridays,” I collapse into the closest chair and tilt my head back. “God, I thought there was like, an intruder or something. Or a ghost.”

He laughs again, moving to the kitchen for a water. “Good thing ghosts don’t exist.”

“They so do.” I reply.

“There’s no proof that’s ever convinced me they exist.”

“You live a sad skeptical life Mr. Styles.” My breathing is finally regulated and I sit up to look at him. “I’ve seen one myself when I was a teen. I wish I could be a disbeliever like you.”

“You’ll have to tell me the story,” he leans on the island looking very amused.

“I will,” I accept his challenge.

“I cut rehearsals short,” he continues. “I’m knackered from this week. I just want to be one with my couch and get drunk and not worry about what moves to do and what song to sing.”

“Yeah,” he looked tired and his hair was getting a bit shaggy. He runs his hand through the damp curls. “I need a shower and I think I should do a trim.”

“Consider it booked,” I pull the phone towards me and text his usual stylist. I hear him move around the space and pause before he disappears down the hall.

“Are you heading home soon?” He asks.

“Hm?” I kill time responding, acting like I didn’t hear his response. I didn’t want to go home at all. I didn’t even know if Gray was home or not and I didn’t want to find out. Harry repeats his question. “No. I wanted to wrap up some things. I can move to the office if you wanted the space to chill out?”

He shrugs and tells me I could go where I want.

I wanted to be out of the way, and not home. So I move to the office. The same office where weeks ago I’d teetered on the edge of a fatal decision and now was faced with the possibility of that decision made for me.

I slump in the seat and take a moment to just decompress. A headache creeps around my eyes and I just feel lost and hurt and alone.

When I break the laptop open again I move like a slug, scraping the barrel of effort and coming up with nil.

“Uh y/n?” Harry’s head pops into the door a while later.

“Yeah?” I blink up at him, still in slug mode.

He stares at me a second, “Do you have plans tonight? You could…join me in doing nothing?”

When was the last time I did nothing? I couldn’t remember. And it sounded like a distraction—not a good one, but one that helped me avoid home for longer.

“Sure?” I respond.

Harry blinks. “Oh. Brilliant. Finish what you’re doing if you’d like or you can join me now. Oh. Could you also order us some pizza or something that’s greasy and bad for us?”

I liked the direction of this. I feel my sluggish feeling slide away. “I can do that.”

“Good. Great. This is going to be a good night.”

He moves away as he talks and his last sentence is shouted from down the hall. I smile, relieved to do something like this.

I consider texting Gray, but decide against it. He left last night without a word, making me worried and today there’s been radio silence. I wasn’t in the mood to take the high road.

I do as Harry asks. Meanwhile Harry had put on some peppier music and brought out a six-pack from the fridge. His head is buried in the pantry rummaging through.

“What do you need?” I come up behind him.

“Oh,” he pops out. “Looking for some sweets. I’m sure I have some somewhere.”

“Oh yeah!” I close the doors he’s looking in and open the top cabinet. His eyes light up when he spots the options. “Food’s on its way by the way.”

He rubs his hands and starts pulling things off the pantry. It’s a different energy than any before, he’s not picking on me or ordering me around. He’s just inviting me to be on the ins with him. My instinct is to stay quiet and see where it goes but I shake it off.

“Are we just playing with beer tonight or is wine on the menu?” I ask. I hated the taste of beer.

“It could?” He unloads the pile in his arms onto the island and starts rummaging through the wines. “How about this one?”

A white. I take it from him and head for some glasses.

We end up making a buffet for ourselves on the coffee table and when the pizza comes we settle in, chatting occasionally about the things around us.

“So what does doing nothing involve?” I ask when we’re situated on the couch. Harry’s left a few feet of space between us which is very appreciated. I pull my feet up. “Because I have to say it’s been a while and I don’t know how to do nothing.”

He laughs, throwing his head back. I find myself grinning in response.

“Touché mon amie.”

“Okay I actually got that,” I nod.

“Do you speak french?” He asks as he opens the wine and pours us both a glass, mine’s a lot more full than his.

“No but I spent a month in Paris when I was in uni,” I savour the sour flavours of the wine as it coats my mouth and settles me down. “So I learned the bare minimum. Now all I can say is bonjour, ca beigne? And also un verre du vin s’il vous plait?”

“So you cut right to the chase—hey are you alright? A glass of wine thanks. Now leave me alone.”

We laugh and I hold up my glass, “I was hoping you’d get the hint. Why is mine so full anyway?”

“I’m just drinking some so you don’t have to drink it alone. Then I’m gonna crack on with the beer.”

“Oh!” There he had to go and be thoughtful again. “Forget it, I will happily drink the bottle. Drink whatever you want.”

“Yeah?” He leans forward to put his glass down.

I lean over and pour his measly amount into mine. “There, you’ve done the sharing part.”

“So y/n,” he asks after we’ve grabbed our respective snacks of choice. “Can I ask why you were listening to all those ballads before I came in?”

“I need to get a bit more drunk before I do that,” I down some more wine, already feeling the buzz of it. Obviously this was not the cheap wine I generally had.

“Alright we’ll get you there,” he promises. His eyes flicker from his phone to me and back to his phone. “Uhh could I show you something?”

“Like what?”

“We’re releasing the MV for one of my songs a week before I go on tour right.”

“Right,” I name the single that’s been thrown around countless times this week.

“I got back the deck for what it’ll look like. I’m excited can I show it to you?”

It’s endearing, in a way, how eager he is to show it. His cheeks even have spots of pink.

“Uh yeah! Let’s see it!”

“Cool,” he grins. He turns on the TV and casts whatever video is on his phone to the screen. He gives me some background on how it was setting up a whole storyline and how they’ve already started filming some of the scenes.

“The shooting starts the week after this one right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be in Scotland for a few days. You’re joining me right?”

“Yes! I’m excited to see all the action myself.” I had signed up for the 4-day trip with zero hesitation. As someone who’s always been making up stories and concepts to most music I listened to, getting to see the bts for an MV was a dream come true.

“Really?” He asks.

“Yeah, it’s real excitement I promise.”

“You’re interested in it?”

“Yeah! I love music videos, it creates a whole new experience for a song we’ve probably listened to on repeat. It’s cool!”

“So this is y/n really enthusiastic,” he leans back in the cushions to get me in full. “Now I really know you couldn’t give a rat’s arse about tour.”

“Stop saying that!” I laugh. “I was just stressed. I am excited about all of it okay?”

“So you say,” with a final glance he presses play and I’m entranced as the narration takes us through the plan.

“Umm all I can say is wow.” I turn to him when it’s done. My wine glass had been emptied and my brain had been itched with the most beautiful location and storytelling I’ve seen in a while. “That’s like a mini movie.”

“That’s what I said!” He exclaims. “It’s going to blow everything out of the water.”

“Look at us, doing nothing.” I realize we’d turned around and talked about work.

“Bollocks we’re no good at this.” Harry slides a hand down his face and I laugh at the dramatics. “Let me refill you at least.”

I happily oblige.

We talk about the mv some more, and move onto the tour. Harry asks me about the concerts I’ve been to and we get the kind of excited when you’re tipsy once we find out we were both at a Coldplay concert four years ago in London.

“That would’ve been before the success so I would have been just another bloke to you,” he notes.

“Yeah, imagine we crossed paths then? That would be crazy.”

“If we did, we might still be doing this tonight, just as mates,” he points to between us. “Or you would have fallen in love with me and I would have sacrificed my music to raise our kids.”

“What!?” It’s so absurdly ridiculous that I nearly snort my wine. “Where did that comes from!?”

“Admit it,” he puffs out his chest. “That would have happened. And I’d be so committed-“

“Well you’re assuming that in a 4 year time-span we would get to the point of having kids. So firstly no, secondly who said you had to sacrifice your career?”

“I-“ he stops mid-sentence, looking into the distance.

“Exactly!” I shout. “You’ve got nothing. You’ve just made up a story that makes you sounds good and noble!”

“Fine,” he settles down. “Fine! We never meet and you end up with your Duran bloke and I end up a musician.”

“Is that all I’m reduced to?” I raise my brow. “Who I’m with?”

“No!” He leans between us to pat my leg. It tingles. “No I didn’t mean it like that. You’ll do great things. I just mean the person you end up with isn’t superstar Harry Styles.”

I roll my eyes, “I need more wine if I’m gonna be subjected to any more of this bullshit.”

“Bullshit?!”

“Mhm,” I pop a gummy into my mouth and ignore the look of shock on his face.

“Fine. Then tell me about your bullshit,” he raises his can. “What’s happening to make you so ferocious this morning.”

Oh god. I hold up a finger and shimmy forward for some more wine. I’d drank 2/3 of the bottle and I was definitely tipsy. Maybe I’ll just sip this one.

“Fine. If you want to hear it.”

“I do.”

“I got into a fight with Gray.”

He raises a brow, I continue.

“He’s upset with me and complaining that I work a lot and that he feels like I’m his flatmate!”

“Flatmate with benefits.”

“Shut up!” I groan. “Not the point.”

“Sorry!” He holds his hands up.

“I don’t think he realizes how much of my head is just Gray like, I’m always thinking about him, about what I could do for him and say to him just to make sure he feels seen and reassured and loved! You know I’ve asked you for half-days on Saturdays when you don’t have a lot going on-“

“Mhm,” he nods along.

“I’m like, making sure I’m being a good partner. And apparently he’s been upset and not saying anything.”

“The old silent on the home front.”

“Yes!” I nearly drip wine as I pump my hand. “Yes, on the home front he’s bloody broody and quiet. I knew something was on his mind but like always he’s tight lipped. Even when I asked him a week ago he said he’s just been working a lot. What a liar!”

I complain about how it felt to be iced out of my partner’s emotions and having to guess all the time.

“Then I find out he’s been talking to all our friends to get advice.” Harry raises his brows in judgement and leans back into the sofa, and the small gesture makes me feel so validated. I didn’t realize how much I needed a third-party to just listen to my side of things. Until now, I’d literally not had anyone to talk to about this especially since I avoided talking about work with Gray. I get misty eyed.

“And when we’re talking he’s like so-and-so said this as if I want to know. And!” Now I was on a roll. I put my glass down in fear of spilling it on the pristine sofa and get on my knees to emphasize my frustration. “And the girl he quoted? Get this, I met her—Rebecca—at a job I did like a year ago? And we got along fabulously and I invited her to this party we threw right because she was new to the city and all that. She met my other friends and she fit in so well they invited her the next event. I got her into the group and now she’s talking shit about me with my fiancé behind my back!”

“She’s probably got a thing for your man,” Harry suggests.

“Oh she definitely does!” I’m animated as I continue. “She so does! I’ve caught her making eyes at him before, and laughing a lot whenever he makes a joke. I even mentioned it to him once but he said he didn’t notice.”

“He probably didn’t,” Harry shrugs.

“I know, the male species is a wonder. You get big flirts like you and then otherwise they’re completely oblivious.”

“I’ll have you know when I was a teen, a girl literally gave me a valentine cupcake and I just thought—well I knew she liked to bake, so I thought she just had extras. I didn’t understand why she didn’t speak to me the rest of the year.”

“No way,” I laugh—a lot because the wine was definitely sloshing around in my head, but also I couldn’t imagine Harry being that aloof. “I guess it comes with the ego territory. Were you less of a jerk as a kid?”

His jaw drops. “You just called me a jerk right now. To my face.”

“I did,” I say with glee. I stand to get the full picture of an offended Harry. “And I don’t regret it. So? Were you nicer as a kid?”

“No I’m not answering until you take that back.”

“What! You are a jerk…sometimes! I’m not taking it back!”

“You have to take it back otherwise I will cut you off on the wine.”

I take a step back and stumble as he speaks. Which makes me laugh more. “I think I should cut back. I am a hot mess.”

“At least you’re laughing,” Harry stands too. “It’s world’s different from this morning.”

Just like telling someone not to think of an elephant, I think of the elephant.

“Noo no don’t do that!” Harry rushes towards me and bends down to look me in the eye. “I liked it when you were smiling just now c’mon.”

“Well you reminded me why I was so upset-“

“Can’t stay grumpy, just give me another smile. One smile! Small teeny tiny smile—there it is!”

I can’t help it with his face in mine and the way he’s putting on a voice to get me to smile my face splits in a grin.

“You’re soooo annoying!” I push him but unstable and drunk I fall backwards.

I don’t know what happens next but I’m on the floor looking up into Harry’s concerned face.

“Y/n? Y/n!?”

“Yeah,” my head pounds as I try to make sense of where I am.

“Fuck,” I hear Harry say. He moves away and the overhead light attacks my eyes so I squeeze them shut.

I hear him, panicked, on the phone.

“No!” I try to call out. “M’fine! Don’t even worry-“

“Stay down Y/N,” he’s back by my side. I try to prove to him that I’m okay and sit up but a few inches off the ground and my head feels like it’s full of bees.

“So many bees,” I murmur as I go back down, now a pillow behind my head.

A few minutes later Harry’s helping me up gently. I tell him I wanted to throw up and he helps me to the toilet where I do. Gah. Why did I drink so much.

“I think I’ll head home now,” I hear myself saying to Harry like I was miles away.

“No,” his hands are around my shoulder and holding me upright as we walk out. The lift increases my nausea but I keep my eyes shut.

“I’m going home now,” I tell Harry when we get outside.

“No you’re getting checked out.”

“No!” I shove him away and nearly topple over myself. Why did he have to boss me around all the time? “Stop telling me what to do! My head hurts I’m going home!”

He tries to grab my hand but I yank it off. “Stop! Just stop!”

“Y/n,” Harry’s voice is low and comforting as he gets down in my ear. He smells nice too. “You passed out and you have a headache we have to get you checked out.”

“You’re no fun,” I cross my arms but follow him, only because my headache is so bad. As we get in the car I close my eyes shut as the lights assault them. Harry doesn’t let me sleep on the ride home even though his body is warm and steady beside me. I barely know where I am.

Harry’s POV:

I keep telling myself she would most likely be fine, just like the doctor reassured me but it’s hard not to beat myself up.

I shouldn’t have let her get that drunk, especially upset. I shouldn’t have gotten in her space and caused her to tumble back. I should have done something else.

The guilt is added to when I think of how I spoke to the doctor, demanding they do every scan and not to skip any. I hated who I became sometimes, when I pulled the famous card, but I thought it was necessary right now. Even y/n would give me a pass for using it.

I can’t stop replaying the thud as her head hit the hardwood floor, her eyelids fluttering as I rushed to her, her slack face when she lost consciousness for a moment.

It’s been hours since we came in. The doctor finally heads my way.

“Mr. Styles, your girlfriend is alright,” he holds up his hands before I’m fully standing.

I may have had to say she was my girlfriend after they wouldn’t let me have any say tonight…

“She’ll be alright, you did the right thing getting her here right away.”

“But?”

“No but,” he smiles. “Obviously it’s serious she has a moderate concussion but if she doesn’t exasperate any symptoms—takes it easy the next couple weeks, she’ll be right as rain. We can discharge her once the neurologist confirms. She’s just finishing with another patient right now-“

“She should stay overnight,” I cut him off. His cheeriness was starting to irritate me I felt like he wasn’t taking this seriously enough.

“Oh well,” he laughs but I know I’m irritating him right back. “She will be alright. I can provide you and her with a followup plan-“

“Doctor,” I say. “She’s staying overnight. If I need to rent a bed I’ll do that, tell me what I need to do, but she should stay under observation. Get the care she deserves.”

He pursues his lips, and I wait for him to agree.

“Yep,” he sighs. “I’ll tell the nurse. Just follow me and we can sort the details.”

We do that, I even take a selfie for the nurse’s daughter which grates on the doctor’s nerves even more. He leaves shortly after.

I get y/n’s room and walk there slowly, wondering how to apologize. Ever since December we’ve been playing a game of tennis with words and tonight I felt both of us relax onto the same note. Then this.

She’s sleeping when I get to her. My watch says 1am. She looks peaceful and it hurts even more.

The truth was despite acting like I didn’t, I did like Y/N but she was complicated, and the more I tried to untangle her web the more sticky things became for both of us. I didn’t want to make more mistakes than I have in the past so I’d kept my distance. Even if it hurt both of us.

Tonight was good though. Until it wasn’t. This was why I shouldn’t blur lines. You would think I’d have learned that by now.

I step by her bed, hesitating. Someone has wiped the remains of her makeup off and she looks so much younger. Like a sleeping cherub. My heart gives a squeeze.

I push back a strand of her hair, my hand wanting to do something. I settle for taking her hand in mine, it’s not the first time I’ve held it but like it always does, a flood of warmth rushes through me.

I never understood Victorian romances until her; just touching her hand got my blood pumping.

With a stroke of my thumb over her knuckles, she stirs. I freeze.

Her eyes flicker open, “Hey?”

My voice disappears. There’s too much that I want to say and nothing I’m allowed to say. Maybe a sorry. I open my mouth but she squeezes my hand. I forgot I was still holding hers.

“So much for doing nothing huh?” She cracks a smile and it breaks the marble I’d become encased in. I laugh and collapse onto the sliver of the bed.

“We should never do nothing again.”

“Nope,” she smiles, closing her eyes again.

“Y/N I’m really sorry for tonight. I feel awful-“

Her mouth parts. She was asleep.

I want to sit here with her until she wakes again, until the doctors kick us out. Something about seeing her so vulnerable here makes me want to confess the thing that’s been lodged in my chest for a long time.

I release her hand and move away from the bed. This was dangerous. Maybe I could wait in the waiting room until she’s released. Then take her home.

Something vibrates. It’s not my phone, and then I notice the purse I’d brought with us. Y/N’s.

I peek inside for the phone and her fiancé’s face takes up the screen. He looks younger. And then I remember, it’s like stepping out of the fog this night had put me in and into reality.

I pick up.

“Y/N it’s nearly 2 in the morning just tell me you’re alright? You haven’t been answering your texts I-“

“Hi,” I clear my throat and the line goes dead silent. I decide to continue. “Hey uh this is Harry. Styles. Uhm, don’t panic or anything because she is okay but she’s in hospital and-“

“What?” He comes back with a boom. “Why is she there what happened? Which hospital?”

I tell him which one, explain she bumped her head and I had to take her here. That the doctors said she would recover and be herself again soon. He simply swears and tells me he’d be there soon.

This was Y/N’s life. This was the right thing to do. Still, I stay in the room with my head in my hands and think about the whole evening again and again.

“Just tell me the bloody room…I don’t care about the time…”

The voice travels through as doors open and close in the hall and I look out. Grayson. Like a pitbull. I can see him through the rectangular window demanding to see Y/N.

I open the swinging doors and his nostrils flare as he spots me.

“Why the hell is he allowed in and not me?” He continues his tirade. “Does hospital policy not matter when it comes to the rich and famous now? I want to see her doctor and-“

The nurse turns to me, annoyed but before she can ask the question the doctor is out.

“What’s all this? Do you know the time sir, please follow me and we can talk-“

“I don’t want to fucking follow you. I want him gone and I want to see my fiancee.”

Looks are exchanged between the doctor and the nurse, finally landing on me. I imagine what they’re thinking—just another homewrecking famous rockstar, do we tell the fiancé or act cool?

“He should be able to see her,” I say in an even tone. I can feel the eyes on me, especially the laser beams from Gray.

“I thought-“

“Okay. Visitor pass him and let him in,” the doctor cuts his nurse off as she stares at me. Maybe her daughter wouldn’t get that photo tonight after all, and instead be told to pick better role models. It doesn’t matter to me. Not tonight.

I watch Gray get sorted, watch him walk down and to Y/N’s room. To his fiancée’s room.

I wonder how he feels, fighting with her last night just for y/n to end up here tonight. I wonder if that’s why he was so vocal tonight—the guilt.

But I suspected he was the kind of man that called himself easy-going and only got this raucous when another man was threatening his public image. It was pretty clear the hospital staff thought we had some pseudo-relationship arrangement. I don’t think Duran was daft enough to miss that.

Plus, I’d been the one to bring her here not him.

With a big sigh I take my phone out to call a taxi. It was my turn to go home.

I text Y/N from the car, tell her to rest over the weekend and let me know how she feels Monday morning. She could take the whole week off if she wanted but I also knew her and knew she would try to come back asap.

I try to piece back the marble armour I wore before tonight, it’s ill-fitting and hurts to get on but I do it anyway. This was why I couldn’t be the person Y/N wanted me to be; I tried to mix parts of my life together and it would only end with shite.

Y/N’s POV:

I don’t know who this man in front of me was. Or actually, I hadn’t seen him a long time.

I’d been discharged from the hospital on Saturday morning with odd looks all around. Maybe because Harry brought me in? And ever since, Grayson has been doting on me. Doting.

“Did you want anything specific?” Gray stands at the foot of the bed, asking me what he should make me for breakfast. The last time he made me a special breakfast was…last summer?

“I wouldn’t say no to pancakes?” I reply. “I looove your chocolate chip pancakes.”

“I’ll get it started,” he walks over to kiss my temple and leaves.

The weirdest part is that I feel weird; I don’t know why but Gray doting on me like this made me feel claustrophobic and…weird!

I look out the window to the overcast sky. Same, I think. At least for a Sunday, it felt fitting.

I pick up my phone and check the last response from Harry. Since I got discharged he’d been texting me to see how I was feeling. I think he was feeling guilty even though I told him it wasn’t his fault.

I tried not to drink when I was upset because back in uni it led to some shitty situations but the other night I’d overstepped my rule and done this anyway. And paid for it. I should have known better. And after the absolute misery of yesterday’s aftermath—the migraine and the vertigo and the completely lack of appetite, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. Ever.

Today I feel a lot better. I still have a headache and I’m looking forward to breakfast with my painkiller, but the light doesn’t hurt as much and the nausea only comes back when I do too much.

You: I’ll be back in no time. Feeling better

Harry: I want you to feel the best so I’m banning you from working until Wed. And that’s conditional on you feeling better

Y: Doc said I can resume a lowkey version of my life after 48hrs

H: I didn’t like that doc. take my advice instead

Y: when did you get your md

H: same time you got yours

Y: I have an md?

H: being stubborn 101

Y: your jokes are a lot better when you text

H: cuz you’re not distracted by my face

Y: ooookay I’m no longer giving you the platform byeee

He was sassy, apparently. I never got this side of him before.

I read through the convo again and smile. But it hits me that it sounded like flirting. And that would be incredibly inappropriate. So I shove my phone in my bedside drawer and inch out of bed to join Gray.

We spend the day talking about a lot, but not about what we should talk about. Which, with the way I was feeling, was fine by me. At the same time it felt like we were both politely playing a role neither of us could put our hearts into. It felt shitty.

Gray has a session around 4 and I crawl back into bed, putting on a romcom I’ve watched a million times for comfort.

My body feels heavy and it has nothing to do with the concussion. The last couple days and my current relationship with Gray casts a shadow over my thoughts. I felt like making any decision was like wading through quicksand and running away just sounded better.

I rub my temples, hoping like a genie’s lamp, I could get an omnipotent spirit cast out and grant me easy wishes. I’d wish for things to go back to normal, for my heart not to be such a wretched thing. For clarity.

I pick up my phone and scroll to the one person I had run away from and have missed since. I didn’t talk to her very often but I thought I could use her no-nonsense approach.

My mom frets when I tell her what had happened. She goes quiet as I tell her I’d gotten drunk to forget about the troubles in my relationship.

“Relationships go through a lot of phases. It’s like going through those cave tunnels all made of rock and you gotta squeeze really tight sometimes just to fit through and continue on.”

“That is an amazing comparison mom, but I don’t know if this is one of those times. It feels like Gray’s already given up on us.”

“Well it’s been a long time he’s waited.”

“But he never said. He never talked to me.”

She sighs. “Your Grayson sure is a contemplative son of a bitch isn’t he?”

I laugh a little too hard and feel a pulse in my head. “I know. But then today he was so dang sweet—since I got home. He was so overprotective. And he made me breakfast mom and it made me realize I haven’t had that Gray in a long time.”

She’s silent on the other end. She knew there was more. How did I ever think, as a teen, my mom didn’t understand me? I think I just never understood her.

“But it felt weird.” I continue. “I feel horrible for saying it but I felt weird!”

“Was there heart?” She asks gently.

There wasn’t.

That’s what it was. And my heart weeps. All those actions without feelings.

“Have you thought about coming home?” Mom asks when the silence stretches. She always asked and I was the worst daughter in the world for never going back. The last time was when I graduated, for 2 weeks in which my family drove me crazy and I had been crazy in love with Gray and eager to get back to him.

“Maybe,” I close my eyes and slide down into bed.

“Your brother’s new girlfriend reminds me of that friend you had where she came on our camping trip and cried the whole time? What was her name?”

“Deanna? Mom I stayed friends with her all through high school! She was just very anxious.”

“I know! His girlfriend’s always darting about, jumping at tiny things. Reminds me of her.”

“Well Jace better be treating her right.”

“He does,” mom’s voice raises. “You should see them together. It’s cute but they’re still teenaged loves so I try not to break his bubble too much.”

Mom had definitely relaxed a lot since I was a teen. She had practically chased my first boyfriend away.

“Remember your first boyfriend?” She asks and I shout how I was remembering that too. We end up talking about old memories, and I feel a little more known and a little less lonely when I hang up.

Gray and I order takeout and I try to watch a movie with him but the strain on my eyes gets too much. I tell him I was going to bed and insist that he stays and finishes. I didn’t feel like watching him play boyfriend.

I’m eager to get back to work, for next week when I can go to Scotland for the MV. The eagerness comes from guilt but I carry both as I fall asleep.

***

I feel like a kid at Disneyland. Or maybe a Disney adult. Either way, I’m blown away getting to watch this MV come to life.

It’s long hours, a lot of waiting, and some shouting. But everything else is magic.

I came back to work last Thursday and other than an ear-splitting headache on the flight and a low-grade one when I stared at a screen too long, I was on my way to normal. When I got back to work Harry kept making excuses for me so I could work from the office but I refused to be treated differently and eventually he relented.

“It’s so freaking cold!” I jump up and down beside Harry by the cliffside. He’s just wrapped up a scene and the crew was taking a look at the footage to see if they needed anything more in this spot.

“Why don’t you put on more layers? Do you want an extra coat the crew might have-“

“No!” I continue wriggling around. “I’m heading back to the car in a few. This is an amazing view.”

“Isn’t it,” Harry turns to the sea that’s churning away much like my own heart these days. It feels calming to see it physically somewhere else.

We stand in silence except for my occasional teeth chattering and stare out to the view.

“Have you seen more of it?” Harry motions to the cameras. “What do you think?”

On this trip I’ve been giving my honest opinion, and I know I’ve offended Harry at least once but I didn’t come all the way here for my dream experience only to stroke his ego.

I tell him my take. We talk about the overall storyline about belonging and sacrifice until we’re interrupted with two hands holding out hot teas.

“You both looked cold,” the woman says. She was another assistant on set and I’m not sure what to do being waited on as a PA myself.

“Oh, thank you!” I make sure she knows I appreciate it. “That’s…that’s super kind thanks!”

She throws us both a smile and I stare at my cup, the heat tingling on my cold fingertips.

“Friendship and belonging yeah,” Harry starts up again.

“Yeah but also I like how you—your character, whatever, knows when it’s time to leave for his better growth. Sacrifice with his friend and sacrifice with the only home he’s known. Plus that’s a comfortable outfit.”

I tap a button on Harry’s jumpsuit. He grins. “You can have it.”

“I would be drowning in that you’re a lot taller.”

“We can have it altered,” he says. A shiver runs through me at we. I blame it on the cold.

I sip the tea now that it’s not scalding and find it’s a lot cooler. The open air, I guess.

“So you really love all this,” Harry says. “You weren’t joking about that excitement.”

“No I told you!” I flash to the night we did “nothing” which feels long ago. “I have a vivid imagination when it comes to music and I spent any spare courses on film so now I can interpret the heck out of any song and music video like my life depends on it.”

“We should get you back there,” he motions to the crew. “Get you on board.”

“Would I get the little clipboard and clapper?”

“Yeah!”

“Goals,” I sigh.

Little did I know, by Saturday as we’re filming our final scene one of the crew members hands me the clapper. He tells me I’m supposed to cut the final scene. I stare at him, thinking I misheard.

The clapboard hangs between us. He shakes it a little and I take it. It’s heavier than I thought.

“Harry asked if you can cut for the final scene, see the man behind the camera? He’ll look to you and give you the nod. Then you step in front and just do the thing.”

“Oh…” I’m still staring at the thing in my hand. My palms feel sweaty like it’s going to crash to the ground and break in two but that thought gets me to hold it closer. “Thanks.”

“Yep,” the guy walks away and I stare at the scene being filmed. Slowly I walk closer to the cameraman and he glances at me, notices the clapper, and smiles holding up two fingers.

He whispers something to someone beside him and they change the lighting. Harry walks off “screen” and I try to catch his eye to show him what I had. We catch it briefly and he winks before walking back onto the screen.

Oh my god! My heart is racing as I hold it in my hands. I had to chill. Or I’m gonna make a mess of things. It’s just a clapperboard and you’re saying one word!

Two minutes. I manage to calm down enough and when I get the signal I step in front of the camera and, as I see it later on, with the biggest grin on my face I clap down and yell “cut!”

Harry lets out a whoop and the crew cheers as the filming wraps up. I’m sure my eyes are wide as saucers as I go to Harry. He puts an arm around me and pulls me in, laughing because I tell him my heart is racing and how does he do tours when just that made me shaky.

“It gets easier,” we walk now with his arm around my shoulder. “One day you’ll be behind the camera shouting at me to move places.”

“Oooh getting to boss you around and get paid for it?” I look up at him and my breath catches because he’s handsome at every bloody angle. “Sign me up.”

He let me go and gives me a few tsks. Then he gets his phone and tells me to pose with the clapper and I do it happily. The picture shows a grinning girl with pure delight on her face.

“I’ll put that as your contact photo right,” Harry says as he gets into a jacket. “And that way at least when you call me with bad news I get to see a smile beforehand.”

“Har har,” I roll my eyes but I don’t hate the idea.

A lot of the crew decide to go out for drinks and dinner and Harry passes but I decide to go. I’d met some friendly faces and I would miss working with them, miss the overall energy, when we got back to London.

As I fall asleep that night, full and content, I realize I hadn’t texted Gray all day. I wake to check my phone and see he’d sent a text a few hours ago.

Sorry I was out for lunch with the crew. Babe it was sooooo fun I can’t wait to show you pictures when I get home.

I read the rest of his message asking how I was. I tell him my headache was gone and ask him about his week but I’ve fallen asleep before he can respond.

***

The morning I have to leave for tour I wake up way too early. Too much nervous excitement. I’d already brushed and checked my luggage was packed before crawling back into bed waiting for Gray to wake.

I watch him sleep, my eyes following the familiar contours of his face. We’d been making an effort at rebuilding the relationship since we agreed we at least had to give it a try after I got home from Scotland a month ago. On one hand it feels like starting a new relationship and also breathing easier because we were both on the same page. On the other, we’d finally started planning the wedding!

I would miss him, nearly 3 weeks away which is the longest we’ve been apart since we got together. Then I’d be home for 2 weeks, and away for the last week before Harry finishes with a couple shows in London. It was going to be epic and crazy as exhausted as I’ve been.

I huddle close to Gray and he stirs slightly but I kiss his neck to wake him.

“Hey,” he mumbles in his sleep.

“Morning,” I press another kiss to his face.

“What time?” He moves his head to kiss me back.

“Hmmm half past 7?”

He grumbles about it being so early but it stops shortly after with both of my legs on either side of him and my hair curtaining our faces.

“M’gonna miss your snooty face,” I say with another kiss. He finally opens his eyes and his hand comes up to hold my chin.

“I’ll be the one here missing you.”

“I’ll call every chance I get.”

“You’ll get to see so many new cities,” he says.

“Barely but I’m gonna try to make the most of it,” the travel schedule was hectic but I know there were a couple slower days I could use to explore cities. If I wasn’t completely exhausted.

“You’ll have a lot of fun,” he pushes my hair behind my ear.

“Remember Josie’s coming this weekend to stay the week.” Gray’s sister had taken the opportunity of a semi-empty flat to stay here while she studied for mid-terms. I had encouraged it so Gray felt less lonely.

“She’s gonna drive me crazy,” he huffs.

“Just behave,” I warn him.

“I don’t know how,” he smiles, rolling us around so he’s on top and showing me what misbehaving means. I don’t mind it a bit.

After a quick shower together we head out to the airport, Harry offered to pick me up on his way but I wanted to make sure I spent as much time with Gray as possible so he doesn’t feel like I was leaving him like before. I hoped he knew, at least, the effort I was making.

***

Stockholm, Hamburg, Oslo, and Copenhagen in one week. It was exhilarating and exhausting and hectic and so fulfilling.

I had seen Harry at small shows before but on the big stage he has a presence with a capital P. It’s amazing watching him perform and dance and be charming all over. He could be cheeky yet command the crowd at the same time. And despite all these sides he’s never inauthentic.

For the first time I’m able to take somewhat of a backseat. He already had his manager, tour manager, stylist, and tour chef with him to manage most aspects I would regularly. I became sort of an extra hand when I wasn’t having sit-down hours. That’s what I called the times I was sitting on the laptop sorting out future timelines for Harry’s life (and my wedding).

But I loved it. I’d pick a cafe close to our hotel and spend a few hours working. I’d call Gray during these times and if he was free we’d catch up on all I saw and he’d share stories with me until Josie crashed the conversation with stories of her own.

My eye bags require more concealer than usual and my body begs for nutrition but otherwise I love every second.

I’m back from my sit-down hours and get off the lift. Harry and his team were placed in the same hotel just down the hall from each other. As I approach my own door one of Harry’s band mates rushes out of his door looking stressed.

“He’s in a mood,” she huffs. “Don’t go in there.”

“Did something happen?” I ask.

She shrugs, “he gets this way. Usually at the start of tour I don’t know why. Kinda snappy just…give him space.”

I do as she says but the next morning as we wait to board our early flight to Paris he continues to be a dick to everyone.

“Maybe take a nap on the flight Haz,” one of his bandmates suggest. “We’re all bloody tired don’t be such a grump.”

“I don’t need a bloody nap stop treating me like a child.”

“What to do when you act like one.”

“You know what-“

“Woah hey c’mon.”

I startle at the commotion, I was starting to doze off but Harry rushing out of his seat and someone else stepping between him and Mitch wakes me entirely.

“Let’s stand there get some space.” Niji recommends.

Everyone follows the group away and it’s Harry, myself, and my bag left.

He glances at me, “Don’t you start too.”

“I wasn’t…”

“I could see it in your face.”

“What the hell? I was just napping I don’t even know what’s going on except that you really are being a dick.”

“There you go!” He points. “I knew you wanted to say it.”

“Guess I’m joining the others…” I pick up my bag and walk to everyone else. They’re all venting their frustrations for Harry and comfort me that he was an asshole to everyone.

It gets worse on the flight when our pilot announces we couldn’t land in Paris.

“What’s going on?” I ask our hostess.

“The weather, we apologize for the inconvenience folks but there is high winds and a lot of fog so it’s not safe to fly.”

“I have a show tonight,” Harry stands and starts to advance on the poor woman. “I need to be in Paris before 4 where are we landing?!”

“Sir we’ll be landing in the Lille airport. This is good because we’re only a few hours from the city-“

“For fuck’s sake,” Harry runs his hand through his hair.

“I understand,” the woman looks back at me and I nod, letting her know I got it.

“Harry we’ll only be delayed by a few hours-“

“I don’t have time for a few hours. We need to set up and run tests in Paris! We were supposed to be there yesterday but somebody booked the wrong shit!”

It was true, his tour manager had booked us for Monday morning rather than Sunday morning but at the time it hadn’t been a big deal since the show was 7 on Monday and we got an extra day to relax. Now it made things more stressful.

“Fuck this,” Harry mutters. The other members on the plane roll their eyes and put on headphones, sighing and looking out the window. It was obvious to everyone but Harry that this was just a minor setback.

I decide to be the idiot who enters the lion’s cage. Harry sits in the back of the plane jiggling his leg and trying to connect his phone to service.

“Are you trying to call Morgan?” I ask.

“No I’m trying to call the pope.”

“He might be sleeping.”

He looks up at me and if I wasn’t aware of how stressed he was I would laugh. Confused doesn’t even cover his expression.

“I don’t have time for this right now, I need to get to the show-“

“We have like a five hour wiggle room it’s just a minor-“

“I can’t perform thrown off like this!”

“There’s no reason to be thrown off!” I try to keep my volume contained but I can feel eyes on my back.

“I don’t need you right now just go.”

“So I guess the one week rule is true.” I mutter.

“What’s that?” He asks with an i-dare-you expression.

“I said the one week rule of you being an asshole on tour, I guess that was true. I wish someone told me I would have skipped it.”

“Well you could have skipped the whole thing and nobody would notice.”

His comeback is muttered but cuts like a machete and I feel like the words were physically slung at me. I stand there stunned, my heart sinking as he continues to fiddle with his phone until the call connects.

The shock wears off quickly leaving me with the familiar heat of anger. This was how I reacted to Harry and his dickish ways. How dare he? Why the fuck does he think it’s okay to treat me like this when he wanted? I clench my fist as his voice rises with Morgan.

But beneath the anger is a raw hurt, his words struck a nerve. The same one Gray had struck once. I was replaceable, and all the efforts I’ve put into my career were unimportant and unappreciated.

I snatch the phone from Harry, annoyed at hearing him talk at Morgan.

“Hey Morgan it’s Y/N, yeah it’s a minor inconvenience but if you can get a bus or something to the airport it should be…”

I look to the hostess and she flashes me two fingers and a shake of her hand.

“About 2 hours to get into the city.” I finish. I nod along to Morgan’s questions and repeat details back. “Yeah just text me on my phone, not Harry’s. We’ll sort this out.”

“Thank you y/n. I’m really glad you’re there today.”

The words are a feather on a pile of nails, it’s nice to hear but Harry’s cruel words still ring in my ear.

I hand the phone back to him, expecting a thank you or an apology, but he just takes it and slinks down in his seat.

“It’s her isn’t it?” Sarah gets up on her seat on her knees to look back at Harry. I pause as I walk up the aisle. Is was who?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry mutters with his eyes glued to his screen.

“It is,” someone else says.

“Who?” Claire asks.

“Don’t take his mood personally,” Sarah says to me. “Paris is a touchy city for him.”

“Do you guys ever shut up?” Harry asks.

“No that’s why we’re your crew,” Mitch responds.

“We understand,” Sarah continues. Who was she talking about!? “Just don’t take it out on us. It’s not nice.”

Harry doesn’t respond but I sense a deflating happening on his side. Sarah’s words had gotten through to him but they’d just made me super curious.

I get filled in as we wait at the airport for our bus—Morgan had saved the day.

I hear about Harry’s french lover and how he got his heart broken a couple years ago. How the last time they were in France he had disappeared for a day and they’re all sure he visited her. How he can’t go to Paris without getting in a mood, either because he doesn’t get to see her or he’s anxious about seeing her.

“That’s like a city-specific booty-call.”

“Kinda,” Sarah laughs. “But I think he grew really attached to her so it’s a bit—he’s coming back.”

Harry stomps back to where we are, a tray of coffee in his hands. His team accepts it without a word. The world’s most famous non-verbal apology.

I watch him wearily. I still wanted a verbal apology from him, was that crazy? What he said was deeply hurtful. And hearing about his French lover makes me feel a way that I don’t like so I shut it out. I stick to the anger instead. It was easier.

He starts to warm up as we board the bus, cracking jokes with his band. I pick a seat near the front and stay there with my headphones. Aside from answering Morgan’s texts I pretend to be asleep. Eventually I do.

Someone flicks my hat, “C’mon sleepyhead! We’re in the city of love.”

“Wha?” There’s a crick in my neck and I feel rusty. But Harry’s right, we’d landed in Paris. He hovers above my seat with a jovial smile but it dies the longer I don’t return it. Serves him right. He doesn’t get to be cruel and wipe it away with coffee and a joke.

He gets the hint and boards off. I grab the last of the bags and join the group in the lobby where Morgan greets Harry like his long lost son.

“The trials aren’t over just yet,” he cringes. “I don’t know why Paris keeps fucking with me but we’re booked tight for rooms.”

“What does that mean?” Harry asks.

“Uhm well,” Morgan clears his throat. “The hotel overbooked. We have 3 rooms between the 8 of us. Luckily I have a mate who lives in town so I’ll crash at his. The rest of you need to share.”

“Morgan you’re fucking with me,” someone groans.

“No I’m sorry. I booked 5 with an en-suite but they screwed up. They’re refunding us half—I fought for that at least. I can use that to put others in another hotel if you’d like but so far I’ve only managed one room with two doubles.”

“Claire and I can share,” Sarah says.

“Good, Mitch you good with the boys?”

“I’ve slept in worse places.”

“Uh y/n…would you like me to book you an extra room somewhere? I don’t want you to be far from the team-“

“She’ll stay with me.” Harry says. “I’m performing tonight and then we’re moving to Amsterdam tomorrow afternoon so…”

I squirm a little as all eyes fall to me. Cool. Casual. “Sure.”

“Sorted! Let’s get these bags up and out of the way. I’ll have a car waiting down here in a half hour so you can all freshen up and meet me again.”

We trudge along and get off on our respective floors.

“The truth is,” Harry says as we scan ourselves into our room. “I’m probably not even gonna use the bed for the night so it’s all yours.”

“Oh,” I look around the room. It’s got a french touch and a lush queen in the middle. I could deal with not having to share it. I’m sure my fiancé back home would be happier too. Even though I want to ask why I don’t. “Okay.”

We settle our things in silence and a part of me wants to break it and start talking about the ride and Paris but I’m still not over his earlier behaviour so I continue giving the bare minimum. He doesn’t seem to care.

We head off for tests and I end up falling asleep in one of the booths. The tiredness was really creeping up. I could sleep through all the noise the band was making.

A particularly loud screeching from feedback wakes me up. I look down to the group, everyone’s mostly broken up while tech crew tapes down some wires and connects equipment. Harry sits on the edge of the stage, swinging his feet and texting away at his phone. He’s different from the grump this morning. He’s lighter.

Charlie catches me looking and waves, I wave back. There’s a pit in my stomach that grows heavier as the day passes into night.

Paris is not the loudest but super engaged. Everyone has some reference to Harry adorned on their clothing or their face and I can tell Harry has a special connection to the group.

“And finally,” Harry says into the mic. “This is a special song for my French friends. Tonight has been a blessing and I want to merci beaucoup for showing up!”

The crowd cheers as the intro to his song comes on. I listen to the lyrics for the first time since hearing the song last year and connect the dots to what Sarah said earlier. Maybe this was the girl. Maybe this was why he wasn’t sleeping at the hotel tonight.

As we’re leaving the venue and I’m going through a mental list of everything we could have forgotten, we spot a familiar face around back.

“Riley?” Mitch spots him first. “Is that you mate?”

“Hey,” Riley like, Harry’s old assistant Riley is standing with a couple other people who are having a smoke. He squashes his and greets the band who apparently still feel fondly when it comes to him. He looks the exact same but my feelings towards him are curdled after knowing what he’s like and how he left us high and dry.

That leaves Harry and I still hovering by the entrance alone, staring at the reunion by the time Riley comes up to us. I guess the band knew his friends because they get to chatting. I remember then, Riley ditched Harry to work for one of his friends. Must be a small world.

“Why the long face you two, c’mon still not holding a grudge are we?”

“Riley,” Harry addresses him. I stay silent, watching Riley from where I stand behind Harry.

“Nice to see Y/N’s still sticking around. How are you liking tour life?”

“Did you come to the show?” I find my voice.

“Yeah,” he nods all friendly like this was casual and he’s done nothing wrong ever. “I might be biased because I worked for the guy but Harry Styles is one of my top artist. And I’m in Paris until the Fall so why not come support him.”

“Well,” Harry says in the same deadpan voice. “Thanks for the support Riley.”

Riley glances over at him, smug. He knows he’s annoying Harry. So maybe I wasn’t the only one who got enjoyment out of doing that.

“Oh c’mon you’re still upset with me jumping ship? It’s been months! Y/N we’re cool right-“

Riley moves to walk past Harry and to me but Harry side-steps to stay in his way. I look at Harry. So does Riley, confusion sliding away to amusement.

“Oh I see,” he steps back, arms crossed. “Harry you sly dog you did it again.”

“We’re going now,” Harry says. “Try not to show up at any other shows.”

Harry tried to leave and I take the few steps to follow but Riley starts again.

“So y/n you fell for his trick too? I’m disappointed I thought you were immune.” Riley continues. “How’d he get you to the bedroom? Lots of booze? Or did you not even make it to the bedroom? Was it being treated like shit that did it for you?”

“What?” Now in the middle, I look between the two, wondering how this conversation took such a bizarre turn.

“You have some obsession with me Riley?” Harry steps back towards us. “Because you sure enjoy making up stories in your head with me starring in it. Don’t rope y/n into them either.”

“Not all stories,” Riley stays smug. “Some of them I’ve seen with my own eyes.”

They had to be talking about the last PA. The story Riley told me. Which means he thinks I…

“You really should watch what you talk about,” Harry reminds him.

Riley turns his attention to me, “Y/N I thought I warned you good enough. But I guess you put out as easily as the last one.”

“Riley whatever drama you’re trying to-“

“Mate,” Harry gets in Riley’s face so he can’t even look at me. I go quiet. “Get the fuck out of my sight before I get security to kick you out permanently.”

“Being the knight in shining armour doesn’t really suit you Haz,” Riley says. With one final judgemental look thrown my way he walks away. I have to lay a hand on Harry’s arm just to keep him from lunging at him but as soon as my hand makes contact he brushes me away.

This whole interaction was ego-bruising. “Why did he think-“

“Ignore him.” Harry cuts me off, his back still to me. His band, having watched the final scene unfold, now awkwardly shuffles back to us. “You okay?”

“Yeah but why-“

“Good.”

He cuts me off from asking anything and I don’t get to push because the group tries to defuse the situation by changing the subject. That includes the girls inviting me for drinks at their favourite parisian place. Harry disappears and so do those answers.

I try to poke whether the girls at dinner knew anything about his last PA but they barely met her. So I’m forced to eat oysters when they find out I’d never had them and the subject changes quickly to new and other things.

“So oysters thumbs up or down?” I’m asked as I slowly eat another.

“Weird texture…ehh?” I hover my thumb in the middle.

“Well too bad your partner—what’s his name again?” They ask. I tell her. “Ooh good name. Too bad Grayson isn’t here to cash in on all these oysters.”

They laugh and I think I’m not drunk enough to laugh as much with.

It’s the wee hours of the morning by the time we get back to the hotel. I crash alone as soon as my head hits the pillow.

***

After three weeks of tour I’m ecstatic to get back home. I wanted to sleep in the same bed for more than a day, I wanted a shower with even temperature, and I wanted a home-cooked meal.

And I wanted Gray.

I even catch an earlier flight—the night before rather than the next morning. I build up surprising Gray so much that I end up being the one who’s surprised when I come home to an empty flat.

I double check I’d set my phone back to the right time but it’s nearly 11. He must be out with friends, not a client.

I want to call him but still hold the idea of a surprise so I take a shower instead, put a load of laundry in, and make myself a sandwich. I crawl into bed at 1, still no Gray.

I end up tapping through our friends’ stories and find him in one. At least I knew where he was. But 2/3 photos I can find of him, Bex is standing too close for comfort.

I can tell by the photos there’s nothing going on. From his end. The most contact they have is his arm around her shoulder but for some reason all of this makes me mad. I’d broken it down to him that he couldn’t talk with people who had a thing for him because they would only give biased advice. But he didn’t listen. He said I was reading into it too much. And here she was, gazing up at him in every damn photo.

I hate that I wasn’t even home for a couple hours and already found something to annoy me.

I must have fallen asleep shortly after because I wake to poking on my side.

“Y/n? Is that really you? Y/n? Y/n?”

Gray.

“Hi,” I turn in bed. “I’m home early.”

“Shit!” He stands and sways back slightly. Wow, he was pissed. I hadn’t seen him this inebriated in a hot minute. “You didn’t say!”

“I know I-“

“I thought I imagined you.”

“Nope all here,” I grit my teeth. Why was I annoyed at my boyfriend for having a life, I scold myself.

Why is he so drunk and is this a new thing or did he only get this way cuz I’m not around?

“You finally came back to me,” he slurs. He smells like a brewery as he climbs into bed and I wish I could force a shower on him but I get swept up in his arms. “Hey you were right by the way.”

“About?”

“About.”

“Gray! What was I right about?”

“I’m getting to it! You. Were right. About Bex.”

“H-how do you know?” Weird coincidence. Or not?

“Sheshe she tried to kiss me!” He falls back laughing in bed. “I said nooo cuz I have a fiancée. Y/N. Oops. She was maaad.”

My heart drops. I knew it. That little bitch! And she had to go and try to kiss my man when he’s drunk! I officially didn’t like her. And the story itself adds to my irritation.

“Wow. Crazy. I’m tired as hell so I’m going to bed.”

I turn and leave my back to Gray. I didn’t want to see him this drunk, this chill about someone I warned him about trying to kiss him.

He splays on the bed where he is, draping an arm over me and pretty soon I hear his even breathing. That annoys me too, that he could fall asleep so quick. His arm is a weight over my body and I feel like I’m sinking into the bed and out of view.

***

It’s like Grayson and I have forgotten how to live with each other.

What starts out as minor annoyances turn into bickering pretty quickly. Our 1 bedroom flat begins to feel cramped and I desperately try to cling onto the idea of us because I can’t fathom us fizzling out like this but my fingernails are raw from scraping threads.

Work is the easiest it’s been in a while. With no set working hours I just spend a few hours everyday doing admin and running errands. Otherwise, unless somebody calls me I’m free.

I thought it would be great. So much free time with Gray, we could continue planning the wedding and catch up again. But he busies himself with work, and when we go on dates he doesn’t make much of an effort to talk. It’s like getting to know him all over again except he’s a broodier version of himself. It makes me mad and I end up picking fights.

I book brunch with some of the girls on the last Saturday I’m home, thinking it might help to have space from Gray and see other people. I thought everything would be fine. And it is, on a surface level—they treat me perfectly normal.

Except the only time they gave me space to talk about myself went something like this,

“So Y/N how are you? Busy touring how is that?”

“Oh yeah it was great! Really taxing but fulfilling too. I went to so many cities I haven’t visited even though I’ve been in London for like 7 years? Copenhagen was one of my fave-

“Ooh. Yeah I really want to visit Copenhagen this summer.”

“Oh I love Copenhagen…”

And I was officially asked out of sharing my own life. The rest of brunch was me reacting to everyone else’s stories and having the subject change quickly after I brought up anything about myself. When I mentioned Gray casually, I could feel the judgement. It’s like they were waiting on me to complain about him so they could pounce. It’s a weird and tiring energy.

As we all say our goodbyes I manage to catch Rebecca alone.

“Hey Bex,” I stop her on the edge of the group. “I know we haven’t talked much lately but I just want to say I don’t appreciate the moves you’re making on Gray.”

She raises a brow, “moves?”

“He told me you tried to kiss him. Those kinds of moves.”

Her face pinches. “Well someone has to make some.”

“Excuse me?” She tries to walk away but I rush to step in front of her.

“It’s no secret you and Gray are on the road to a breakup,” she has the audacity to look judgey in that moment and I want to slap the look off her face.

“What the fuck do you know about me and Gray? Back. Off.”

“Hey what’s going on?” One of our other friends drifts towards us and I notice they’re all looking our way.

“Just a friendly chat,” I say with sarcasm you can’t miss. At the same time Bex responds, “Y/n’s being delusional.”

I was going to get physical, I step back towards her but our friends get between us. I think they knew uni me, and knew I wasn’t afraid of confrontation.

“What the fuck y/n?” I was so tired of the look on their faces, like I was crazy.

“She tried to kiss Gray!” I reveal. “Last week! I’m just telling her to back off and I have every right to!”

It’s news to them. They turn to Bex who’s fidgeting with her sweater as a flush creeps up her neck.

“I-I he did! He tried to kiss me!”

I snort, “I don’t have time for your bullshit Rebecca. I’ve gotta go.”

“Oh yeah we all know you don’t have time y/n, you’re so busy these days.”

“Bex!” Someone scolds her.

“Somebody better teach her hand to keep her hand over her mouth because I will get through all of you if it means getting to her. You know you guys don’t know shit about my life. And you don’t even care to these days! Just because Gray told his sob side you guys treat me like-like shit!”

“That’s not true-“

“It is! You don’t even know my side! And I don’t care to explain because you lot are supposed to be our friends, not the judge and jury of my relationship.”

They stare blankly at me and nobody denies it so I continue: “I try so hard to stay involved in your lives knowing I can’t make it to half of our parties, I’m always messaging you guys and trying to stay on top of your socials to know what’s going on in your lives. I feel like I make all the effort and I’m just made the pariah.”

It feels good getting it off my chest. It feels amazing. I feel like I’m breathing an actual lungful of air now.

“We’re sorry if we made you feel that way.” I look at who’s said this. One of my oldest friends from uni. I scoff.

“You’re sorry if you made me feel that way?! I just said you did!”

“Sorry,” she says, quieter.

“Y’know it’s…it’s disappointing. I thought, when we became best friends first year of uni nothing could shake the bond we had. Apparently a man you met 3 years ago who vented to you about your best friend was just the thing.” All their faces are small and nobody makes eye contact with me. “Anyway, I do have to go. I have an appointment. Let’s not do this again.”

I walk away, proud of myself for saying what I had to and getting it off my chest. For sticking up for myself.

But the farther away I get, the more the adrenaline crashes through me and I end up walking onto the tube on shaky legs and collapsing in my seat. The reality of what’s happened falls into my lap and I see a bunch of burned bridges.

I spend a couple extra hours out after my appointment. I’m not going anywhere in particular, I let my feet carry me through the city as my mind continues to whir.

Harry texts me, asking me to stop by his place before I fly back for tour tomorrow evening. Apparently the concierge needed all his mail picked up and he needed a few of the items. It annoys me that he waited last minute to ask.

When I get home at 4, Gray’s vacuuming the flat. He stops it when I come in.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How was brunch?”

It’s the way he asks. I know he knows. Which means a group chat exists with our friends and him without me. It feels like another betrayal. Who keeps their partner out deliberately? Who opens up their relationship like a hockey net, open for anyone to take shots at?

“Why’re you asking?” I feel another fight coming.

“I can’t ask you how brunch went?”

“Did you hear something? Let me guess, did Bex snitch?”

“No, chill out why would Bex snitch?”

“Grayson,” I look at him deadpan. “Don’t bullshit me. If you have any respect for me, which I know now is not a lot, don’t bullshit me.”

He sighs but doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t lie and doesn’t tell the truth.

“So?” I ask. “Is there like a group chat or something?”

“Let’s just drop it-“

“No! I’m not dropping this when you brought it up. So is there? Did you disrespect me in front of all our friends by talking shit, and then do it even more by allowing them to ice me out in a group chat you knew I wasn’t part of?”

He doesn’t respond. My temper flares.

“The hurtful part isn’t even not being part of the chat, it’s that you didn’t tell me.”

It makes sense now. I was always initiating birthday messages there or privately, thinking everyone was forgetting to wish each other. Now I know I was public fool number one keeping that convo alive when they were probably all wishing each other elsewhere. God. I was an idiot!

“Look I’m sorry y/n, after you stopped showing up to things they just made a new one so they don’t bother you.”

“Oh is that why? Because that was active up until a few months ago. So according to the timeline it was probably when you fucked up and talked shit about me to all our friends and they decided I was a bitch and they should all cancel me! Well I hope you’re happy Gray!”

“I’m not! I’m sorry I didn’t realize-“

“Stop!” I slam my hand into the wall and it hurts harder than I anticipated but I bite back the pain. “Just admit it! You want to paint me as the bad guy so fucking hard, and I am in some ways I know I’m far from perfect Gray! But instead of talking to me like normal fucking people do, you just iced me out and then isolated me from the only friends I’ve ever made in this stupid fucking city!”

I can’t help the tears now even though I don’t want to cry. I want to rage and scream and throw things about but the hurt is bigger and it bubbles over the pot and sears my heart.

I leave my shopping bags where I’ve dropped them and walk back out of the door before he can come up with a response. I couldn’t stand to look at his face. He’s betrayed me over and over and the whole time I was desperately trying to show him I hadn’t changed and I loved him.

I walk the 40 minute to Harry’s and the early evening air helps me learn how to breathe again. I take in gulps of it and try not to cry. I didn’t want to waste tears on Gray and my stupid friends. I didn’t want to do any of this! I just wanted to press pause on my whole damn life and take a nap.

Outside his building I pull out my phone and make sure I don’t look crazed. My hand is killing me and I ignore the bruising blooming fresh.

The concierge spots me just as I enter, and we make small talk about Harry on tour and his last few shows that would happen in London. I make a note to mention to Harry to send him tickets—apparently his niece listened to him.

He helps me load a cart with Harry’s mail and take it upstairs.

It had been over a month since I’d been in here and it’s weird that it feels comforting. Or maybe that was just after two weeks of feeling like a stranger at home.

Harry’s words on the plane echo back to me. Not that I was appreciated here either.

If there was ever a time to go back home to the States, it would be now. But that felt like running away. I had to sort my life out here before I made any rash decisions.

With a sigh I dump the paper onto the coffee table. After sorting what looked like bills from letters from miscellaneous I spot the two envelopes Harry wanted and put it to the side. I open the boxes next and locate his custom orthopaedic inserts he asked me to grab too.

I take the extra mail to my office to sort out. In the familiar closed quarters where I’d spent too much time in the last year rolling through a hundred phases, my feelings edge out of me. I try to wipe the tears and continue on but I end up pathetically sat over on the chair crying until I can barely breathe.

It’s pathetic because this is the first space I’ve felt I had the space to cry. And it was where I worked. Where, apparently, I wouldn’t even be missed.

New tears. Less breaths.

“Get it the fuck together,” I say between gasps. “That’s. Enough.”

Through my own self-talk I manage to calm down enough to finish the work. It’s half past 8 by the time I get back to the main living area. I get water to rehydrate myself and stay sitting on the couch staring into space for another ten minutes. I don’t think I had any more tears to cry. Just a rock in place of my heart and another bigger one attached to my ankle.

“Okay,” I finally get the courage to head home.

The end isn’t big and explosive. It’s a simple statement: I think we both know what needs to be done now.

I don’t fight him this time. I have no fight left in me. I just nod.

“I’ll sleep on the couch and still drop you off tomorrow,” he reassures me.

“Just sleep in bed,” I couldn’t even muster enough energy for expression. My flat tone is how I felt. “You don’t fit on the couch. And I’ll get myself to the airport.”

“No I’ll take you. I’ve already made the arrangements-“

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore Gray,” I say. He looks crestfallen and it irks me that he does. I didn’t want him to be sad, it was ridiculous but it was.

“Well I’ll take you anyway.” He says then turns back to the TV.

I wash the day off and make sure everything is packed for my early flight tomorrow. As I lay in bed alone I realize this might be the last time I ever sleep here. Like this. I would have to move all my shit out. Oh god, the wedding. I’d have to cancel my dress shopping dates and the cake testing, the invites we were still designing.

We’d only told our friends it was going to be a winter wedding, I’m glad we never gave them a date. Nobody had marked their calendars. Nothing about us would been permanent.

I look down at the simple ring on my hand. Everything but that.

I keep it on.

I’m still awake when Gray comes to bed but I pretend to sleep. My mind can’t stop making lists to answer: what now.

I’m in a fugue state all night and the only thing that clears the fog is the rays of sunshine peeking through the blinds in the morning. I hadn’t slept a wink.

Quiet, so I don’t wake Gray, I get up and dressed. I order a taxi and try not to linger on the hurt of doing this alone. Of Gray waking up to an empty bed.

The flight to Madrid is a couple hours and I miraculously nap through it. Everyone is happy to see me when I get back, especially when I present them with snacks they’d all said they missed from home while we were on tour. With them in hand, I’m an angel in their eyes.

I hand Harry his mail and he stops me. His eyes don’t stop examining my face.

“What happened to your hand?” He asks.

I’d picked up a bandaging kit and ice pack at the airport and with the help of Youtube, wrapped it up. It had started to bruise even worse but I couldn’t be arsed to deal with it even though it hurt. Nothing a few painkillers couldn’t fix.

“I accidentally got it caught in a door,” I lie easily. I had practiced. “It’s nothing.”

“Did you get it checked?”

“No.”

“Make sure you do, tonight’s show.”

“Sure. It’s really nothing though.”

“You sure?” He asks. His gaze is unnerving.

“Mhm,” I nod.

He’s silent, eyes scanning my face. Right as I decide I couldn’t take the scrutiny he asks, “Why were you crying last night?”

I stare, unsure what kind of trick he was playing.

“Sorry.” He laughs to himself. “I have one of those uh, motion sensor cameras in the entryway. I turn it on while I’m away so it sends like, automatic clips if there’s movement. I saw you come in and leave.”

“Oh.” Shit. Think fast. Think fast. “I uhm, got into it with some friends I had a meal with. Y’know…they were being a bit icy cuz of what they’ve heard. I’m over it though.”

“Yeah?” His eyes flicker down to my hand.

“Yeah.” I hold his green eyes for a moment, to reassure him I’m okay. I don’t know why he cares, maybe because I looked like a right mess last night as I left. How embarrassing. But I do my best acting job ever.

Satisfied, he lets me go. I return to the group asking for updates and any stories they wanted to share. Before long I’m laughing along and creeping out of my depressed mood. But something heavier still lingers.

***

TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77

[hunterevie]

Something non-Destiel related for a bit. But it is related to Supernatural.

I’ve mentioned a couple of times my dad died. It's only been 6 weeks and it doesn't feel any easier. I'm thinking about him a lot at the moment, and how engaged he was when I spoke of the show and my convention experiences.

I started watching Supernatural as soon as it aired in the UK. I’m a horror fan so it was right up my street. I normally watched it on my own late in the evening.

There was a day when my dad watched it with me. His first words were ‘oh that’s why you watch it.’ Literally as Jensen and Jared popped on the screen. Obviously, teenage me denied it profusely. I did genuinely watch for the story, but two cute leads also helped.

It was the only time we watched it together before I fell out of love with it in my 20s around S5.

I started watching again when I was in my 30s after Jensen was announced as being on The Boys (I love The Boys!). During the rewatch, I fell in love with Cas and started to understand Destiel.

I attended my first convention in 2023. I had missed out on Jensen being in my home town, so thought I'd take a holiday to Dusseldorf to attend Purcon 7.

I told my dad I was planning on attending this convention, and he remembered it was a show I enjoyed as a teenager. He seemed shocked it lasted so long, and that I was watching again. But happy that I was doing something I would enjoy.

I attended 4 conventions over the last year, and he’d always be the first to ask how they were. Wanting to know if I had a good time, what it was like. Whether the actors were nice. If they said anything about the pieces I got signed. Stuff like that.

The weekend before Purcon 8, I was with my parents. My dad was still in the recovery stage of his radiotherapy and was ill, but pretty bright otherwise. I remember telling him I'd visit again in a couple of weeks and tell him all about the holiday and convention. Hopefully give him something a bit more positive to think about for a little while.

I didn't know that it would be my last conversation with my dad.

He was put into an induced coma 12 hours before I was due to fly to Germany. That morning I had conversations with my mum, who told me to go. That we didn't know at the time what would happen and I would just be at home worrying about him. So I did.

It was on the morning of Purcon 8 that I found out he had brain damage caused by a mistake in A&E. That he wouldn't come back to us and it wasn't even because of the cancer. I was in pieces. I found a corner of the hotel and just sat there crying because I couldn't get the strength to do anything else. I somehow found it when I needed to get my auto with Misha and photos with Misha and Jensen though.

I managed to ask Jensen for a hug, because I needed one after that news. Not Misha though. I love the guy but he still intimidates the living shit out of me sometimes, and I'm convinced he may not like me.

When I did get home my dad was still in a coma and I did as promised. I told him all about my holiday. About the convention. How I summoned the courage to ask Jensen for a hug, and tell Misha about the promotion I got working on something really important politically.

Afterwards, I cried because I knew it would be the last time I would get to talk to him about one of my favourite shows, and my convention experiences. It broke my heart.

Anyway, I don't really know where my point was with all this. I just was reminiscing. If you have read, thank you for letting me get it all out, and here are some photos of my holiday I could never show my dad. (Which is even more gut wrenching, as we did share a love of photography).

If you've never visited Dusseldorf and the surrounding cities, I recommend it. It's so beautiful around there.

[lumi-nescentt]

And There’s Nothing I’d Rather Do, I’m Stuck With You:

Pairing: Esteban Ocon x Reader

Warnings: Stupid nicknames, kind of enemies to lovers (reader doesn't like Esteban at first) and some swear words, other than that it's pure fluff

Words: 7.1k

Summary: Spending the holidays in a snowy cabin in the Canadian mountains sounds like the perfect plan. Unless you get stuck with the only person you hate and he's trying his hardest to make you like him.

A/N: Another story heavily inspired by my Christmas mood but this time it was "Snowed in Together" with Esteban and I (as always) got a bit carried away

Spending New Year’s in a cabin in Canada had seemed like a great idea at first, your best friend had convinced you to come with her by saying she’d pay for your part of the accommodation since she really didn’t want to be alone. 

In all honesty, you completely understood why she was a little nervous. Despite knowing Lance since the three of you were in kindergarten, they had only started dating a few weeks ago and this would be their first holiday trip as more than just friends. She was nervous that it would be a little awkward and she desperately needed the moral support. 

At first, you had thought that you’d be spending a week as the third wheel but your friend has assured you that Lance had also invited friends which only gave you one more reason to accept. It wasn’t everyday that you were offered a free stay in a fancy cabin in the middle of the mountains with 2 of your closest friends and potentially single people too. If your best friend and Lance could have a romantic New Years getaway, you wouldn’t pass on the opportunity to experience it either. 

You didn’t know all of Lance’s friends but from the people you knew, you were almost certain that you’d get along well with whoever showed up. Well, almost certain because there was one single person that you didn’t want to see for a whole week and that was Esteban. 

It wasn’t that you particularly hated the Frenchman, he seemed like a nice person if you listened to everyone else who knew him, but your first meeting was still burned in the back of your mind. It had been one of the few Grand Prixs you had attended while still in college. 

You were barely 20 years old and seeing someone you had known practically your whole life in such an exclusive and elitist sport was hard to grasp, it was fascinating. You had been bouncing around the whole paddock from excitement and not knowing who you were, Esteban had laughed at you, making some stupid comment about how you looked like a fan girl. 

He hadn’t really meant it, he was still fairly new in this world and he didn’t really feel like he belonged. He thought that if he made himself seem tougher, even a little bit meaner, the nagging feeling of being a fraud would leave him. He hadn’t known that you were Lance’s friend. If he had known, he would have been more careful.

The moment Lance had introduced the two of you had happened a few hours after his comment and if he had hoped that you wouldn’t have heard his comment, the look on your face when you realised who he was told him the opposite. Esteban hadn’t realised it when you were further away from him but you were pretty, if he was honest with himself, you were probably one of the most gorgeous people he had ever met and that had made him nervous. 

Hoping to win you over, he had tried a joke when you talked about what you were studying in college but your face had contorted in a mix of confusion and hurt as soon as the words had left his mouth. Esteban knew what he had wanted to say wasn’t mean at all but in the translation, the meaning had lost itself and now he was sure you thought he was an ass. 

Over the years, he had tried to convince you that he had changed, that he wasn’t the 22 year old who thought putting people down was going to make him feel better about himself but it seemed like you were stuck on your first impression. You were never mean to him in any way but everyone could see the difference between your usual cheery and outgoing persona and the more reserved and sarcastic one only Esteban got to see. 

For these exact reasons, you really hoped that Esteban wouldn’t be part of this trip, or that if he was, he wouldn’t be the only friend invited so you could always hang out with someone other than him. 

Part of your wish was granted and if Esteban was in fact coming, Mick and his girlfriend were too so you wouldn’t be alone with him. Except in a way you would because you two were the only single people of the group and that would definitely be something you’d realise and be teased about for the whole week. 

The day you were supposed to go to the cabin had finally came and you were glad for the 3 hours drive you had on your own. You had now been well aware of Esteban’s presence for a few days and despite preparing yourself mentally, the last few hours of quiet were more than welcome to clear your head and convince yourself you could get through this. 

Wanting to be on time, you had left your house a bit early to avoid traffic and having to drive on twisty roads in the dark so you weren’t surprised to be the first one to arrive at all. You knew Mick and Laila were taking a plane so they’d arrive in the early hours of the morning and if there was something you knew about your best friend and Lance, it was that they usually arrived late to anything they had planned if they were together. 

You gladly took the time to visit the whole house and it was impossible not to gush at how beautiful it all was. You knew it had to have been expensive and you were half glad, half uncomfortable to know that you weren’t paying for any of it, your best friend was. You let yourself feel guilty for approximately 5 seconds before the feeling left you as you entered one of the rooms that was definitely going to be yours.

The view of the sunset over the snowy hills from the bedroom’s windows was simply breathtaking and everything looked so warm and cosy you couldn’t help but let yourself fall on the bed. You could have stayed forever laying on your side, looking at the snow falling on the balcony if it hadn’t been for the sound of a car door slamming. 

You rushed downstairs, silently hoping to see your best friend’s face but as you came into the living room full on running, you hit someone who was way too tall to be either Lance or the girl you had expected to see.

-“ I’ve never seen you this excited to see me so I’m assuming you were expecting someone else, chérie ?” Esteban smiled

-“ I thought Lance and Julia had arrived.” you answered matter of factly 

-“ Oh well, I’m afraid you’re going to wait a long time before seeing them…”

-“ What do you mean ?”

-“ Didn’t you get their texts ? On top of all the snow falling on the roads, there’s a tree that fell on the only road that comes up this part of the mountain so they probably won’t arrive before tomorrow at least.”

-“ Fuck, that sucks. I guess we don’t have cell reception so I must have missed it.” you sighed, looking at your phone only to see that you were in fact disconnected from the rest of the world

-“ Are Mick and Laila here already ?” he asked, looking around for signs of his other best friend

-“ Sorry to disappoint, it's just you and me. Their flight is supposed to land later tonight but if the road is impracticable then we won’t see them before tomorrow either.”

-“ I’m not disappointed. Contrary to what you might think, I happen to like your company, y/n.” Esteban smiled warmly at you, making you roll your eyes

-“ I’d love to say that the feeling’s mutual but I hate liars so tough luck.” you sarcastically answered with a fake smile and a shrug

-“ Come on, I can’t be that bad if you agreed to spend an entire week third wheeling not one but two couples with me.”

-“ First, I had no idea who was coming when I said yes so don’t flatter yourself and second, the main reason I’m here is because Julia needed me here and also paid for my part.” 

-“ Oh wow, okay. Well I’m glad you’re here still. No matter what the reasons are, I’m happy to see you.” he genuinely smiled, making you a tiny bit annoyed

-“ I don’t get you.”

-“ What do you mean ?”

-“ No matter how cold I am to you, you’re always like that. Always smiling at me and saying you appreciate me when I’ve done nothing to make you think that or deserve it.” you shook your head in disbelief

-“ I know you don’t particularly like me but I see the way you are with others and if being nice to you is going to get you to treat me like that someday then I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to try.”

-“ Esteban, I’m going to say this once so you better listen to me carefully because I won’t repeat myself.” you sighed as Esteban nodded, his full attention on you “You might be the most infuriating human being I’ve had to meet but that was actually quite sweet.” 

-“ Are you sure you won’t say it again ? What if I wanted to record it to listen to it later ?”

-“ Are you really that desperate to hear nice things about yourself ?”

-“ Only when it comes from you, chérie.” he smiled, cheekily winking at you

-“ That’s it, I’ve used all my Esteban battery for the day. I’m going to my room, enjoy the empty house, croissant man.” you declared before escaping upstairs as Esteban’s laugh filled the empty house

Trying to forget about the fact you had to spend the night alone with him, you decided to just go watch TV in your room, hoping to make time pass faster if you just got busy and ignored him. You had no idea what Esteban was doing but since you hadn’t heard him come up, you assumed he stayed downstairs and did the same as you to pass time. 

You were in the middle of your movie when everything went down out of nowhere. In a matter of seconds, you were in pitch black with no source of light apart from your phone. After thinking about it for a second, you decided that going to see Esteban was probably a wise idea, maybe he knew where the electrical panel was so you slowly made your way downstairs, trying not to fall down the stairs while calling his name.

-“ Esteban ?” you tried for the third time

-“ I’m here !” he shouted from what you assumed was the garage

-“ Did you find something ?” you asked once you were next to him

-“ Nope, I can’t find the panel and it seems like the house doesn’t have any candles or flashlights so this is all we have.” he sighed, pointing at their phones

-“ Shit, that sucks because I have like 25% of battery left so my phone isn’t going to last long.” 

-“ My battery’s almost full so we can share.” 

-“ Thanks.” you smiled at him before realising something “ What are we going to eat now that there’s no power ?” 

-“ We’re set for tonight cause I managed to make dinner before the power went out and it’s still in the oven so it should be warm enough. We’re lucky Lance had the fridge and the pantries stocked before we came in otherwise this would have been a disaster.” 

-“ You made dinner ?” 

-“ Yeah, that’s what I said, y/n.”

-“ I’m impressed.” 

-“ What, you didn’t think I could cook ?” Esteban scoffed, ready for another one of your comments

-“ No I just didn’t expect you to cook for the both of us so thank you.” 

-“ That’s it ? No teasing ?” 

-“ I haven’t eaten it yet so don’t think you’re safe yet. I expect a lot from you since your country is known for its cuisine.” you smiled sarcastically

-“ Well I’m no chef but I hope it’s still to your liking.” he just smiled back, motioning for you to follow him to the kitchen

You couldn’t lie, when Esteban said he had cooked, you expected something edible at best but what he had made was actually good. Lasagna wasn’t particularly hard to make but you still appreciated the thought and the time he had spent cooking so you refrained from commenting and just thanked him again. 

It was a bit weird to have to make conversation with Esteban alone but it was either that or stay in complete silence and that would have been way too awkward. Plus if you were honest, talking with him was actually pretty nice when neither of you were teasing the other. 

You both were so lost in your conversation that you didn’t realise how much time had passed before your phone’s flashlight suddenly turned off as your phone died. Taking this as a sign to go to bed, you started to put the dishes in the sink and before you could wish him good night, Esteban was proposing to walk you to your room since he was the only one with a light.

It felt strange to have him walk you to your door but his presence was calming and you were glad not to be walking in complete darkness alone. When you reached your door, you opened it before turning around to thank him and wish him good night but he seemed lost in his thoughts, wondering if he should speak up about something or not.

-“ Spit it out big boy, what do you want to say ?” 

-“ Come sleep with me.” he said calmly

-“ What ?” you uttered in complete shock

-“ I don’t mean that in a weird way. Your room seems way too cold to sleep in without catching something and I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing you’re freezing alone when I know for a fact that my room is warmer.” 

-“ It’s not that bad, I just went on the balcony for a while and since I was scared to get locked out I let the door open a bit but it’ll warm up. There’s no need for us to sleep in the same room.” you tried, hoping he wouldn’t be as stubborn as he usually was

-“ Unless the electricity is back pretty soon, the temperature is going to keep dropping, y/n. The other rooms are on the first floor so they’re colder, otherwise I would have told you to go there but my room is the warmest, that’s just a fact.”

-“ I hate it when you’re right, let me just take my stuff and change.” you finally caved in, knowing you would definitely catch a cold if you stayed there

-“ Thank you, I promise you I won’t make it weird.” 

After changing into a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, earning you a confused glance from Esteban, you followed him to his bedroom, noticing that it was in fact, warmer than yours. Esteban let you pick your side of the bed and quickly changed into his pyjamas. You hoped the light hadn’t hit your face when he did because despite not particularly liking him, you couldn’t deny that he had a very nice body. And a very nice smile that you mostly tried to ignore. 

Esteban didn’t say a thing when he settled under the covers and found the pillow barrier you had formed in the middle of the bed but he couldn’t help the snicker that escaped his mouth. Once you were both settled, Esteban turned off his flashlight and everything was suddenly dark and quiet. Every little noise seemed heightened and you couldn’t help but notice that Esteban was breathing a little fast. Deciding that you didn’t want to know why, you tried to focus on falling asleep but despite the duvet, you were a bit cold and it kept you awake and shivering.

-“ Are you asleep ?” Esteban whispered after a while

-“ No.” 

-“ Can I remove the pillow barrier ?” 

-“ Why ?” 

-“ It’s in my way.” he only said

-“ Sure, go on.” 

-“ Thanks. I think you should come closer too.” 

-“ Why would I want to do that ?” you answered a little harsher than you meant

-“ You’ve been shivering this whole time and groaning when if you just came closer you’d be warmer.” 

-“ ‘m not cold.” you lied, burying yourself under the covers

-“ Chérie, we’re sleeping on the same mattress, I can feel everytime you move so don’t lie.” 

-“ Maybe I’m a little bit cold but I don’t see how getting closer will help.” 

-“ Just get closer, I promise you you’ll be warmer.” 

-“ What will you do if I don’t ?” you dared him, feeling the atmosphere change

-“ You’re so stubborn sometimes, it’s almost endearing.” Esteban sighed before sneaking his arm around your waist and dragging you towards him, your back hitting his chest

-“ ESTEBAN !” you screeched before feeling the warmth emanating from him “ Oh.” 

-“ Told you so.” he just grinned

-“ You’re so annoying.” 

-“ Maybe but at least now you’re warm.” 

-“ Whatever, now let me sleep you abnormally warm lanky human.” 

-“ Lanky ? Me ?” Esteban exclaimed before adding “ I’d take tall but you must be blind if you think I’m lanky.” he muttered under his breath

-“ Stop bragging about your muscles baguette man, some of us aren’t blessed genetically or have to be ripped as a job.” you said, stifling a laugh

-“ So you think I’m hot ?” 

-“ Is that all you got from what I said ?” 

-“ No but that’s what I’ll remember.” 

-“ You’re insufferable. Don’t think about telling anyone about this, they won’t believe you anyway.” 

-“ I know but knowing you think I’m hot is enough. I get to tease you about it all I want now.” 

-“ I take back everything I said.” you muttered, earning a laugh from the Frenchman behind you

-“ Too late for that. You’re stuck with me now.” 

-“ I didn’t say I liked you, calm down.”

-“ I know but you’ve been smiling this whole time so I take it I’m on the right path.” 

-“ How do you know what face I’m making right now ? It's pitch black.” 

-“ You can hear it in your voice when you smile.” he simply explained

-“ Be careful, I might start thinking you actually fancy me or something, Esteban.” 

-“ Would that be so bad ?” he whispered making your heart race suddenly

-“ You don’t know what you’re saying, you must be too tired. We should sleep.” you blurted feeling your cheeks burning

-“ If that comforts you.” Esteban sighed, knowing he would have to work harder if he wanted you to believe him “Good night, y/n.”

-“ Good night, cheese man.” you answered, making him laugh. The both of you falling asleep with a smile on your face. 

When you woke up the next day, the sun was already up and so was Esteban, leaving an empty space in the bed next to you. Almost mechanically, you headed towards the bathroom, turning on the light as a habit but nothing happened. Groaning in response, you decided that the whole floor seemed quiet enough for you to use the bathroom with the door slightly opened. 

Once you were done, you headed downstairs to look for Esteban but it seemed like he was nowhere to be found either so you resorted to getting yourself something to eat in the kitchen in the meantime. You were pretty much stranded here so he would come back inside at some point.

Sitting at the dining table and looking outside, you suddenly noticed the man you had been looking for. Esteban was standing with a shovel in his hands, removing the snow from the terrace and what looked like a hot tub. When he raised his head and his eyes met yours, he simply smiled and waved before getting back to work, only coming back inside when he was done.

-“ Good morning, chérie.” he smiled, ruffling his hair after removing his beanie. “Did you sleep well ?” 

-“ I did, thank you. How long have you been shovelling snow for ?” 

-“ About an hour, I think.” 

-“ You did all that in an hour ?” 

-“ Well yeah, it’s not that much and it was that or actually doing cardio going up and down the stairs since the treadmill doesn’t work.” 

-“ When you put it like that…” you snickered

-“ Oh, I almost forgot.” Esteban exclaimed, getting his phone out “I managed to get some service a little further up the hill so I texted Lance.”

-“ What did he say ?”

-“ Well first off, the road still isn’t cleared so they won’t be here today either and that also means we can’t leave. Him, Julia, Mick and Laila are at Lance’s for now but they’ll join us as soon as the road is cleared.”

-“ Shit that really sucks. Do they have an idea of when they’re going to clear it ?” 

-“ Normally tomorrow if there’s nothing more urgent coming up.”

-“ Ok we can push you through one more day, that’s fine.” 

-“ I’m sorry chérie, I know you were really looking forward to seeing everyone.” 

-“ It’s okay, it’s not your fault.” 

-“ While we’re on bad news, Lance said the power outage is general in the entire area but they’re working on it so there’s nothing we can do about it. He said to go hangout in one of our cars to charge our phones and warm up if it was needed because he has no idea where the panel is anyway.” 

-“ Is there any good news ? Anything even remotely positive so I don’t voluntarily choke on some snow or freeze to death ?” 

-“ That’s quite dramatic but yes there is. First off, we’re staying for 3 more days since the first 3 aren’t spent all together.”

-“ You said ‘first off’ so does that mean there’s other good news ?” you asked, hopefully

-“ Lance remembered where they kept the camping stove so we’re going to be able to eat something warm which is pretty nice.” 

-“ Esteban.” you said seriously, grabbing his face between your hands, his cheeks getting a subtle shade of pink “Are you telling me that we can make instant coffee with it too ?” 

-“ If we have some then yeah.” 

-“ Oh my God, that’s the best news you’ve ever told me.” you exclaimed, spontaneously hugging him before taking a step back out of shock, your face all red “ Sorry, I didn’t know coffee made me this excited.”

-“ No apologies needed. I’ll get it out for you so you can have your coffee.” Esteban answered with his face just as red before escaping to the garage to look for the stove

After the hug incident, you tried to keep your distance with the Frenchman and entertained yourself as best as you could on your own. After reading half of the book you had wanted to last for the whole week, you caved in and decided to go see if Esteban wanted to play some board games. 

When you reached the living room, a delicious smell filled your nose and you quickly followed it to the kitchen, finding Esteban cooking something that looked like some sort of soup. He was so focused on what he was making that he didn’t notice you standing in the doorway watching him until he poured what he had made into two bowls and raised his head, ready to call you over for lunch. 

-“ Fuck, you scared me.” Esteban exclaimed with his hand over his heart

-“ Sorry, I didn’t mean to. You seemed busy so I didn’t want to bother you.” 

-“ Have you been standing there for long ?”

-“ Nah, I just came down to ask you something and followed the scent here. What did you make this time ?” 

-“ Onion soup. It’s nothing fancy but I figured we could use something to warm up a bit.” 

-“ If it tastes as good as it smells, I’m going to love it.” you reassured him before teasing “Be careful though, if I like it I might expect you to make it again and then you’ll just have to spend every minute of your free time cooking for me.” 

-“ Don’t threaten me with a good time, y/n.” Esteban retorqued before sliding one of the bowls over to you and sitting on the stool next to where you were standing

It was another meal spent talking about yourselves and getting to know each other better. You hated to admit it but everyone had been right, Esteban was a lovely guy. He was funny, kind and he paid attention to everything you rambled passionately about, even asking follow up questions, seeming genuinely interested in everything you told him. 

Maybe you didn’t entirely notice it but Esteban could definitely tell that you were warming up to him. You were sharing stories about your childhood, your college days and the more he learnt, the more he found to like.  Every time you laughed, you were slightly hunching over, your body getting closer to his and he swore he could feel his skin burn where your knees were touching. 

Convincing Esteban to play board games with you had been incredibly easy and the afternoon was spent in laughs and healthy competition, no matter what games you played. The whole afternoon had almost made you forget about the power outage but as the sun started setting down, reality caught up to you and just like the temperature outside was dropping, you could feel yourself getting colder. 

Not wanting to ruin the moment, you didn’t say anything. You’d soon be in complete darkness so you would have rather played games while being a little cold than having to move and waste some time when you could have been having fun. 

Despite your attempt at hiding it, Esteban saw you shivering and grabbed a blanket behind him on the couch before wrapping it around your shoulders. The gesture was so sweet and delicate, you couldn’t help but blush and look away from his face quickly which only made him smile warmly. Noticing him shivering too, you snuggled closer to him and wrapped the blanket over the two of you. 

The blanket wasn’t that big so you had to shuffle around a bit before finding a comfortable position where the both of you were covered by it. Esteban’s arm was around your shoulders, bringing you closer to him as your head rested comfortably on his shoulder. 

The game was long forgotten as you cuddled against each other, watching the sun disappear behind the snowy peaks in the orange sky. No one spoke before it finally turned dark until Esteban suddenly stood up and offered you his hand. Once you grabbed it, he guided you to your bedroom, telling you to grab some warm clothes and your phone charger before meeting him downstairs. 

When you met him in front of the door, Esteban had just came back inside and without another explanation, he asked you to put on your coat and your snow boots, waiting with a giddy smile. His enthusiasm was contagious and you couldn’t help but smile as you followed him outside to his car. He opened up the passenger door for you before running towards his side, almost slipping in the snow in the process. 

-“ Surprise !” he smiled, opening his arms towards the backseat where sat a blanket, some pillows, a bag full of snacks and what looked like Esteban’s laptop

-“ What’s all this ?”  

-“ Well I thought that instead of just waiting to get tired in this cold house we could have a little movie night and just head back in when we’re tired. You can totally go back inside and do your thing if you want to, I just thought this could be a nice way to make time pass.” Esteban admitted the last part with a shy smile

-“ It’s lovely Esteban, thank you.” 

-“ Really ? You like it ?” 

-“ Yeah of course, it’s really thoughtful. It almost makes me feel bad for not doing anything, you’ve cooked for me twice and planned this, I feel like I have to repay you somehow.” 

-“ Don’t worry about it, I like doing this for you. Plus it gives me an excuse to spend time with you.” 

-“ Since when do you need an excuse to do that ? No matter how much I pushed you away, you were always there.” 

-“ Yeah but it’s different now.” Esteban almost whispered, looking at his hands

-“ How ?”

-“ Well, you know I like you now…” 

-“ Oh, do I ?” you teased him with a grin, making him raise his head again to look at you with a knowing grin

-“ That’s what I was implying yesterday but I guess I can say it again now. I like you, y/n. Happy ?”

-“ Yes, very actually. Can we start the movie now ? I’m kinda hungry and I want to eat in front of it.” you smiled, nudging his shoulder with yours before climbing to the back seat, quickly followed by Esteban. 

As sweet as Esteban’s idea had been, the logistics of it hadn’t really been taken into account and settling comfortably on the backseat with a 6 foot 2 quite broad human wasn’t the easiest of tasks. Especially when you added a bag full of snacks and a laptop that had to be seen by the both of you. 

You had proposed to sit on the floor between the seats but Esteban had immediately refused, proposing to do it himself. Seeing him try to wrestle in the tight space had made the both of you laugh but you realised it was impossible for him to fit in such a confined space. 

In the end, the only way you managed to settle comfortably was by sitting on Esteban’s lap with your back to his chest as you two stretched your legs on the backseat. Esteban’s head was resting on a pillow propped on the window and your head was on his chest, feeling his breath slightly tickling the back of your head. 

Despite being sat in a car in the middle of nowhere in December, you felt quite warm tightly snuggled between the blanket and Esteban’s warm body. Soon enough, the movie you had put on and Esteban’s steady breathing became background noise and your eyes became more heavy as you drifted to sleep. 

Esteban realised it quickly when you didn’t laugh at one of the jokes and he tried his best to stay still and not make too much noise not to wake you. It seemed like the strange setting didn’t bother you at all as you turned around slightly and wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your head against his chest in your sleep. Esteban stayed completely still for a few seconds before warming up to the contact and wrapping his arm around you in a hug.

Once the movie was over, Esteban debated if he should wake you immediately or wait for you to wake up naturally. Deciding that as comfortable as it felt right now, sleeping in this position would probably hurt your back or your neck, Esteban slowly dragged his hand up and down your arm, trying to wake you up. The only answer he got was a groan as you tried to hide your face in his chest.

-“ I know you’re comfy here but I promise you the bed is better chérie.” Esteban chuckled at your behaviour

-“ Don’t care. I don’t want to move, you’re very comfortable. And very warm.” you mumbled against him

-“ I promise you we can do that in bed too. It’ll be even more comfortable and you’ll be able to wrap yourself around me even more.” 

-“ Promise ?” 

-“ I promise you. But I can’t help you get ready to go out if you don’t move, I’m sorry sweetheart.” 

-“ Okay then, let’s go to bed, cheese man.” you declared before pushing yourself off his chest and staring at him for a second “Your face is really pretty. Has anyone ever told you that ?” 

-“ Not really, thank you though. Now come on you little koala, let’s get inside.”

Groaning one last time for principle only, you finally detached yourself from him and put your shoes and coat on, grabbing your phone who had been charging as Esteban gathered the rest of his stuff too. Since you still seemed a little asleep, he decided that leaving everything he had brought in the car would be safer if you needed to hold onto him while walking in the snow.

Esteban’s decision proved to be the right one as only a few steps out of the car, you slipped and almost fell, being caught by Esteban at the last second. The hand that had stopped you from falling a few seconds ago found yours and you slowly intertwined your fingers together, looking at Esteban intently. Your faces were close and the little clouds of smoke escaping your mouths were almost one. Looking through your lashes, you finally cut the silence.

-“ I really want to kiss you right now.” 

-“ I’m so glad you just said that.” Esteban smiled before smashing his lips onto yours

Your hands came to cup his cheeks as the kiss intensified and his settled on your hips, bringing you closer to him in the process. The kiss was strong and despite how fiercely you were kissing him back, you still found yourself slowly taking a few steps back until you hit the car, making you jump slightly. 

That seemed to put an end to the moment and as you separated from each other and realised what had happened, you couldn’t help but laugh, Esteban quickly joining you. The two of you stood in the cold, laughing until your cheeks were slightly stinging because of the cold and Esteban finally dragged you back inside. 

Lying into bed together felt different after the kiss and Esteban sat awkwardly on the bed for a second before you patted the spot next to you with a smile and he settled down next to you. As soon as Esteban stopped moving around, you got closer to him and wrapped yourself around him like you had done in the car, making sure he honoured his promise. 

This time, Esteban didn’t hesitate and his hands naturally went back around you, one arm around your waist and the other hand tracing patterns on your thighs, soothing you to sleep. Any other thoughts left your head and all you could think about was how good and warm sleeping like this felt. It seemed like Esteban felt the same as he fell asleep first, you joined him quickly after placing a soft kiss on his cheek. 

The next morning when you woke up, Esteban was still there, his arms wrapped around you like they were when you had fallen asleep a few hours ago. The sun was shining outside, softly illuminating the room and casting a yellow glow all over it. Enjoying the warmth of the moment, you closed your eyes for a second, stretching your limbs before raising your head to look at the boy beneath you, finding him already staring at you.

-“ Why are you staring at me like that ?” you laughed, softly brushing a strand of hair away from his forehead

-“ It’s not everyday I have a pretty girl all curled up against me, so I’m enjoying the view.” 

-“ Was that an attempt at flirting, Esteban ?” 

-“ I was just telling the truth, so take it like you want.” 

-“ I still can’t believe you like me.” you scoffed, hiding your face against his chest

-“ I thought I made it pretty obvious. At least obvious enough for Lance and Mick to realise it.” 

-“ Do you remember the first time we met ?” you asked, resting your head on the back of your hands

-“ Of course, I do. I made a terrible first impression.”

-“ Wasn’t your best moment, that’s for sure.” 

-“ I’m so sorry again. I know it was years ago but I don’t think I ever had the chance to apologise properly. I never meant to come off as mean and if I did, you didn’t deserve any of it.”

-“ I can’t be mad at you forever, can I ? Plus, how can I say no to such a pretty face.” you smiled, pinching his cheek

-“ You did not just pinch my cheek.” 

-“ I did, actually. What are you going to do about it ?” 

-“ You’re going to regret that.” Esteban laughed before his fingers went straight for your ribs, tickling you

You couldn’t help but screech and wiggle, quickly finding yourself sliding off Esteban to rest on the other side of the bed with the Frenchman hovering over your body, caging you between his elbows. Before he could resume his attack, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss, catching him by surprise. 

-“ That’s so not fair.” Esteban grumbled, slightly pulling away from the kiss, his face only a few inches above yours

-“ What ?” 

-“ You can’t just kiss me whenever you want just to distract me and get what you want.” 

-“ Why ? It’s my favourite way to shut you up. Plus, it’s so fun to see you all flustered afterwards.” 

-“ I’m not flustered.” he denied, trying to sound convincing

-“ Your heart is beating really fast and your face is quite red, I wonder why that is…” 

-“ It’s just hot in here, that’s all.” 

-“ Oh well, if it’s hot I should probably get away from you a little so you can get some air.” you winked before trying to sneak away from under him

-“ No no, I didn’t say that. Stay here please” Esteban quickly said, wrapping his arms around your waist and shifting around so he was now laying on top of you 

-“ It’s not like I have a choice now anyway.” you laughed before settling your hands in his hair, playing with a few strands 

-“ Oh God. Don’t do that.” Esteban almost moaned at the feeling of your nails itching his scalp

-“ I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong ?” you quickly asked, removing your hands from his hair

-“ No, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant, please keep going. I just meant that if you do that I’m most definitely not moving for a long time.”

-“ That’s fine with me. I have one condition though.” you said, making his raise his head to look at you properly

-“ Sure, what is it ?” 

-“ Kiss me.”

-“ I definitely won’t say no to that.” Esteban laughed before complying and pressing his lips against you in an affectionate kiss

You spent a few minutes just kissing each other without a care in the world, too wrapped up in each other to notice anything around you. Like the power coming back or the distinct sound of two cars pulling up the road. So when the door to Esteban’s bedroom burst open and Julia literally screamed, the two of you separated from each other like teenagers who had just been caught making out by their parents. 

-“ There’s no way.” Julia said before sticking her head out in the hallway and yelling “Lance I owe you twenty dollars.” 

Before you could react to what she had just said, Lance arrived right behind your best friend, a bit confused.

-“ Why would you owe me– Oh. Hello to you two lovebirds.” Lance cheekily smiled, winking at Esteban who just hid his face against your chest as you felt his face grow hot

-“ Hello Lancelot.” you sarcastically smiled, knowing he hated the nickname “Could the two of you get out and close the door on your way out, please ? We were kinda having a moment before you came in and ruined it.” 

-“ Damn, happy to see you too girl.” Julia laughed before grabbing Lance’s hand and dragging away, adding something on her way out “I want all the details when you’re done kissing him, okay ?”

-“ Sure, now go please. I’d like to get back to what we were doing, thank you.” 

Once the door finally closed and you could hear Lance’s laugh getting further away, Esteban propped himself up on his elbows to look at you with a ginormous smile on his face.

-“ What ? I’m not sorry I kicked them out, I wasn’t done kissing you.” you replied seriously 

-“ You’re awesome.” Esteban just said before going back to kissing you, feeling you smile against his lips

Once you were finally ready to face the rest of the group, the two of you went downstairs. Before Esteban could shy away, you wrapped your hand in his and smiled sincerely as you entered the kitchen where everyone was standing, throwing out the food that had gone bad and refilling the fridge with fresh stuff. 

-“ Hey you two.” Mick smiled, tearing himself off Laila to plant a kiss on your cheek and give a hug to Esteban before going back to his spot as Laila did the same

-“ Are we going to mention the elephant in the room or…” Julia asked, making everyone laughed

-“ Esteban and I kiss now, what more is there to say ? If it bothers anyone, just deal with it because unless he doesn’t want to anymore, I’m not planning on stopping myself from kissing him.”

-“ No one has a problem with it, we’re happy for you.” Mick smiled as Laila nodded

-“ It was about time anyway.” Lance snorted, earning an elbow in the ribs from Esteban

-“ Can we stop talking about us, now ? I would like to have breakfast actually.” Esteban grumbled as his stomach made a loud noise

-“ I’m not done talking about it but go on, help yourself we brought doughnuts.” Julia motionned to the red Tim Hortons box on the kitchen counter “So are you guys dating now or what ?” 

-“ We haven’t really talked about it.” Esteban admitted between bites of his doughnut

-“ What are you waiting for mate ?” Lance said with a smile

-“ Esteban ?” you cut the conversation short and brought the attention back on you

-“ Yes ?” 

-“ Do you want to be my boyfriend ?” you asked seriously, making Mick snort at your bluntness

-“ I– Uhm… Yeah of course.” Esteban stuttered as his face flushed

-“ Great, thank you baby.” you smiled brightly, getting on your tippy-toes to plant a kiss on his cheek “Now we can move on to other subjects and enjoy this holiday normally.”

-“ Sure but I think you broke him.” Mick laughed, pointing at Esteban who was staring at you with his eyes wide opened, his hand touching the cheek you had just kissed

-“ He’ll get over it. Now come on, you said you’d show me the video of Gina’s new horse.” you motioned for Mick to follow you into the living room, leaving Julia, Lance and Esteban alone in the kitchen

Esteban stared into the void for a few more seconds before snapping back to reality and taking another back of his doughnut, ignoring the couple laughing at him as he made a cup of coffee for you and one for him. If you kept surprising him like that, he wasn’t sure he’d last the whole trip but at least he’d die a happy man with the girl he had pinned over for years finally in his arms.

[arielburrow]

Joe being nervous of you meeting his family

Pumpkin Pie

nothing like a Thanksgiving fic in June 🤭

Fall in Ohio was definitely your favorite time of the year. The leaves changing always signaled to you mentally that football season was in full swing and the holidays were around the corner.

You take in the scenery for a moment before continuing to your boyfriends front door. “Joe!” you call out, entering his home.

“Hey you!” he welcomes you with a warm hug after being away from each other for a week. You traveled to Pennsylvania to visit family and attend an event with other NFL photographers that the league hosted annually.

“How was your trip? How’s your mom doing?” he questions as you both take a seat on the couch.

“Shes doing good, I saw my sister, it was really nice to be home for a bit and see everyone before they leave.” Your mom was traveling to Europe with her lifelong best friend, which you were a little concerned about at her age, but she insisted it had to be checked off the bucket list. Your sister was also heading to Florida to stay with her husband’s family for Thanksgiving, so your mom wanted everyone to be together since you’d be apart for the holiday.

“That’s good to hear, but i’m glad your back, I missed you a lot.” He smirks pulling you to his chest.

“I know Joe I missed you too, you know it’s funny we’ve only been officially dating for a month and I don’t even like being apart from you for a week.” You giggle into his chest.

“Yep. Joe Burrow effect.” He innocently shrugs receiving a nudge from you causing him to laugh.

“Hey I have a question….” he leads on. You look up to him with a bit of concern.

“Can you…I mean….do you by any chance like pumpkin pie?”

You laugh at his demeanor, he seemed almost scared for your response. “ I love pumpkin pie Joe, why do you ask?”

“oh thank GOD.” he looks almost relieved as he stands from the couch and walks to the fridge. You watch as he pulls a Costco pumpkin pie from the fridge, this of course being the only thing in the fridge besides a bottle of ketchup. He grabs two forks and heads back to you, placing the pie between you two and handing you a fork.

“Here.” he smiles and reaches for the remote to find a movie.

“Plates?” you ask.

“Nope, we don’t need them.” he insists.

“alright then.”

After a long night of Joe showing you how much he missed you, you got up early for a workout with your best friend.

She catches you up on her guy drama and you fill her in on Joe.

“Oh so you’re going to Thanksgiving with Joe’s family? That’ll be fun!” She responds to you’re blurb about you being home for the holiday.

You whip your head towards her as you both push through the stairmaster.

“Um what?” You respond in complete shock at your assumption.

“Well yeah…I mean, what is Joe gonna do, drive to Athens and leave you here for Thanksgiving? No way, he’s gonna want you to go with him.”

“I’ve never met his family before though, he makes them sound so sweet but that’s like a huge thing.” You respond between huffs, wiping your hand of the sweat along your forehead.

The two of you go back in forth on the conversation as you finish your workout. Leaving the gym you couldn’t help but to overthink the situation. Was Joe assuming you would just go with him? He might not even be considering it?

After showering and ordering takeout, you finally have time to wind down in your own apartment. You were finishing up some editing when Joe texted.

Joe❤️- dinner tmr night, I’m cooking

you- you mean your chef is cooking?

Joe❤️-😉

The next day you spend at the facility and finishing up more editing. Heading to Joe’s house the question rings through your head again. Does he want me to meet his parents?

You can immediately smell the fajitas Joe requests weekly as you walk into his house. You greet his chef and make your way upstairs do find him on the phone with someone. You walk into his room quietly and plop down next to him, soon able to put together that he must be talking to his mother. As he hangs up he turns back to face you, pulling you into him. “You hungry?” he questions. “Starving” you respond pulling him up from the bed to go back downstairs.

You both take a seat at the table as the chef brings over the food; both expressing your gratitude for the meal, after all, neither of you could cook. Without Joe’s chef, takeout would be the only option. You both make small talk throughout dinner and go over each others days.

“I heard you talking to your mom, how is she doing?” you ask picking up the glass of water. “She’s good, she was just checking in on things, asking me about Thanksgiving and stuff. I’m on pumpkin pie duty because she knows i’m picky about where the pie is from.” He babbles on, you laugh at the pie comment. “You know i’ve know you for almost a year and was given no insight into the punpkin pie fanatic that you are.” he gives you a surprised look. “Umm, what do you mean? Friendsgiving last year? At Jamarr’s? The pie that everyone was raving about…the one that I brought.” He goes on bragging about this situation which you have zero memory of, but give him the credit any way.

“So, since your family’s all out of town, what are you going to do for the holiday?” he looks up to you with seemingly hopeful eyes. “Um I don’t really know honestly, maybe i’ll just hang around here or go to Anna’s place?” you responded taking both of your plates to the sink.

“Why don’t you come with me?” he asks. “To Athens for the night, we won’t stay long cause of practice and everything but it would be nice for you to meet my family” he picks up the dishes to clean as you seat yourself in a barstool across from him.

“You’re ready for me to meet them?” you ask watching him load the dishwasher. “Yeah, I mean i’ve been wanting you guys to meet for a long time and they never get to see you at games cause your always on the field.” he says.

You think for a moment, then smile. “Yeah i’ll go with you.” He smiles in return, walking over to you and sitting with you on the couch. “Can you stay tonight?” He asks pushing a strand of hair from your face. “I have to go to the office early tomorrow, like earlier then you go for practice,” you say to him. “That’s fine, I have to meet with Brian anyway.” he returns. “Okay then, im staying,” you respond shifting yourself to lay in his lap as he finds a show to watch. “My moms going to be so happy your coming,” you smile as you hear him say it before dozing off.

A week later your packing a bag for Joe’s house. You were heading over there tonight, and leaving tomorrow morning for his parents house. You had him on FaceTime at the moment as you got everything together. “I hope you like them, I mean i know they’ll love you, but I hope you like them and-”

“Joe” you cut him off laughing. “They’re you’re parents, i’m going to love them, don’t you worry. I’m the one whose supposed to be nervous not you!” you giggle. “I know, I know, it’s just really important to me you know? I love you and I want you to feel like you’re apart of the family.” You smile at what he says. You and Joe confessed your love for one an other a while ago, but it still made you blush hearing him say the phrase. “I love you too Joe, and I promise i’m so excited to become apart of your family.” You pick up the phone to see his face. You and Joe had a funny dynamic. Technically you had only been together for a month, but you fell for him way before that. The day you were hired by the Bengals you knew there would be a professional problem because you became addicted to him. His looks, his jokes, just being around him was like a drug for you and you knew there was no escaping. You were definitely a little nervous about meeting his parents, but you were excited that this was happening. It made this whole dream feel a little more real.

The next morning you wake up in Joes arms. The two of you spend the morning getting ready and Joe expressing his little worries to you which you insisted he stoped talking about. “You know they’re going to drown you with questions right?” He asks you getting in the car. “Joe, that’s okay, all you need to worry about is your pumpkin pie.” You console him cupping his cheeks as you lean over to kiss them. He glances to the backseat to ensure it’s there, making you laugh.

The drive to Athens is quiet and relaxing, you let Joe have aux for about 15 minutes before you steal the cord. Pulling into his parents driveway, you take in the old red brick home that seems to be gushing with childhood memories. Joe’s parents appear and you meet them with a warm hug and hello. Robin hugs Joe tightly after not seeing him for a few weeks. Walking into the house you’re immediate hit with the sweet smell of cinnamon spice and you can’t help but smile. The four of you take a seat on the couch and Robin explains that others will be joining soon. She asks about your job and how you like working with the organization. “It’s honestly amazing, I worked in Seattle for a while, but it doesn’t even compare to this organization, and it’s nice to be able to work back in my home state,” you say. “It’s definitely something special, they really care.” Jimmy chimes in with a smile. After some more small talk Joe and his dad talk football while Robin gathers photo albums. She sits with you as she shows you baby Joe and gives you a backstory on the pictures. You die over each picture which Joe rolls his eyes at. “I was three!” he yells over your reaction to the picture of him running bare naked in the street with a football in his hand.

You could immediately tell Joes parents were something special, they are a big part of the man he is today and you were so happy you got to join the Burrows.

Others arrive soon after, and the house fills with chatter. You make your way around meeting the others and saying hi to Joes friends who also joined dinner, who you have met before.

You help Robin and Joes aunts in the kitchen for a while, the four of you chattering for hours before Joe pulls you aside.

“So?” he asks. “So what Joey? You want a rating on your family? I love them, I love all of this, I promise. Stop overthinking this and go sit with your friends.” You reach up to kiss him on the cheek and he smiles and nods.

You finish helping with dinner and setting the table with Joe. You all finally sit down together, the table beaming with chatter and laughter. “Thank you all for being with us, those of you who were on time, and those who showed up five minutes ago.” Jimmy says glancing towards Joes brothers, causing everyone to laugh. “I’m just kidding, but really it’s nice to have everyone under the same roof for the holiday.” “we love you all, now please eat!” Robin adds with a smile. You make small talk with different relatives at the table and with Joe. After dinner, you sit with Robin and Joe’s aunts, while the guys do the dishes.

“So y/n, you and Joe are absolutely adorable, really I know that boy and how he is with girls and he is really in love with you.” His mom’s sister comments with a smile. You return the smile and you can’t lie that you felt a blush from that comment. You loved that she picked up on that. “Do you see your family often?” the other sister asks. “Sometimes, most of them are in Pennsylvania so they come to games some times and I just went up there last week to visit.” you respond. Everyone joins in the living room as Joe serves the pumpkin pie. Robin puts on a Christmas movie, insisting that it was now Christmas season, which you couldn’t argue with.

Joe takes a seat next to you and you rest your head on his shoulder. The rest of the night is filled with reminiscing on childhoods and lots of football. You hug everyone goodbye and Robin pulls you in tight. “Thank you y/n” she whispers “he really needs you” she smiles and moves to hug Joe goodbye. The drive home is again a comfortable silence that you happily doze off to, knowing you’re family just expanded tremendously.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

They took things to court alright, first the court of public opinion and then the court of law. Depending on the audience people had a propensity to believe them especially in the early days and because they were the only one talking. Before that they always had PR and spilled stories but it was when they were in Tyler Perry’s spare mansion that they launched that court case against the press. They put out so many grievances that the court had to chop things down to what’s really necessary. I remember someone saying that, that’s a method that anyone uses but it was just so perfect for the Harkles. An opportunity for them to keep sharing how others did them wrong. I accidentally ran into a sugar who claimed that aside from Finding Freedom, Spare, the Netflix documentary and the Oprah interviews, the Sussex’s Harkles never speak out that “Toxic Family” and yet they can’t stop talking about the Sussex. The cognitive dissonance stunned me.

Minus the dog biscuit and raspberry jam, what do you predict their next move is? As a couple or just individuals?

*****

Old ask from June 14th

Well, they really only have two options: shit or get off the pot. Or for the polite society, move on or shut up.

“Move on” could be a bunch of different things, and not necessarily just divorce or separation. It could very well be moving back to the UK or moving to Africa. Launching ARO instead of ducking up the paperwork every other week. It’s fully immersing themselves in their philanthropy with Archewell. It’s committing to one specific project or effort instead of trying to be everything and everywhere. It’s launching their kids.

As for shutting up? Well, that’s easy. It’s living their own lives instead of keeping up with the Royals.

That’s what they *should* be doing: shutting or getting off the pot. But we know they’re not gonna do that.

But as for my predictions for what happens next? I think we’ll see some “happy family/loved up couple” PR to go with Harry’s birthday and to compete with the Waleses’ new video.

In October, they’ll go back to their separate narratives; Harry will probably capitalize on his NYC visit with some stuff for veterans or Invictus to support Remembrance Day/Veterans Day and promote Vancouver 2025 and Meghan will go back to her mama bear/best friend-to-ever-friend schtick or she’ll try to do something politics for the election. I suspect Harry will go back to the UK for something to conveniently be available to serve as a Counsellor of State while Charles is away. Maybe there’s a WellChild thing?

Separate narratives will continue into November with Harry probably being MIA because he can’t bear to not wear his uniform and perform his solemn empathy for sacrifice at the Cenotaph. Meghan will most likely be at the Baby2Baby gala red carpet again (it’s November 9th, which is also the Festival of Remembrance for the BRF). They’ll come together mid-month for “happy family/loved up couple” again to get some content to push out for the holidays. I’m not totally sold on them going to Africa for a third fauxyal visit yet, but if they did that, it’d be sometime in November to compete with William’s Earthshot trip.

(I forget when the Tyler Perry gala dinner thing is. Probably November or December? If it’s November, my guess is that’s when they’ll start a new “joyful happy family” PR but if it’s December, I think Meghan will try to re-re-re-relaunch her Hollywood career. I guess it’s nice that Tyler Perry has some standards and hasn’t put her in his movies yet...)

Maybe we’ll finally get some ARO product in October/November so Meghan can exploit Sussex Squad for the holidays and make some money. I can see wine launching or maybe a gift box.

I think we might see them do something with the kids for Christmas since it kinda feels like they’ve been talking a lot more about them than they usually do, especially if they’re going to bring them to Vancouver for IG like they keep promising. I can see them trying to copy the Waleses’ video for a Christmas or Vancouver 2025 thing (in River’s latest video, he has some tea that Harry cried when he saw the video and Meghan started scheming…taken with salt and YMMV).

Of course, that’s if they don’t divorce or separate in October…tarot readers and astrologists have been reporting a big karmic shake-up for the Sussexes in the October/November timeframe. YMMV (again).

[chinateacup]

My current bank balance is negative £300.

Some unexpected expenses came up and I’m deep in my overdraft. Any donations to my Kofi (link in bio) would be hugely appreciated, especially in the run up to the holidays.

I’d also like to apologise for taking so long with the next chapter of Jealousy - I’m in my final year of uni and it’s kicking my ass - so please have a sneak peek of chapter 30!

Once again, my Kofi link is in my bio :)

Taka’s birthday had begun the same way for ten long years.

At eight years old, two weeks after his grandfather’s fall from grace, he’d woken in a tiny apartment he wasn’t yet accustomed to, sluggishly realized it was his birthday, and burst into tears.

His father had swooped in to hold him against his shoulder, having just returned from his nightshift. Taka sobbed into his work shirt, and refused to leave his side all morning. He peeked over the stove as his father made breakfast - soup, rice and broccoli stalks - and they ate their small portions at the kitchen table.

The one notable difference this morning was Taka’s lack of tears.

He sat up in bed, stretching, and was disappointed that he felt the same. Which was stupid, he knew. It was dumb to think there would be any physical difference between seventeen and eighteen years old.

He felt no sadness for leaving his childhood. No anxiety for his newfound adulthood. Frankly, Taka felt he’d begun his adulthood long ago.

He washed and dressed methodically, and it was only when he was running a comb through his hair that he smelled food.

“Father!” Taka emerged from his bedroom to find him washing rice in the sink. “I thought your shift didn’t end until seven?”

“It didn’t,” his father smiled ruefully. “I left early.” The circles under his eyes had somehow gotten darker, and Taka’s brows creased in concern.

He fell into rhythm beside him, retrieving miso paste and tofu from the chipped cabinet. “You really shouldn’t cut corners like that. You’ll get in trouble with your supervisor again.”

His father laughed through his nose. “What are they going to do? They can’t dock my pay any more than they have, and I’m already on the nightshift.”

Taka’s lips twisted as he filled a pot with water. Their oven was currently in need of repair, but a camping stove on the countertop filled the role nicely. At least until the landlord finally answered their calls.

“Don’t make that face.” His father flicked on the stove. “There’s no reason for you to worry. I’m sure you won’t have this kind of trouble when you get a job.”

Taka stilled, his hand clenched around the jar of miso paste. “You mean when I’m Prime Minister.”

A tunnel of steam rose from the rice cooker and rolled across the ceiling. His father nodded without looking up. “Yes. When you’re Prime Minister.” He squeezed Taka’s shoulder in an approximation of a hug. “Happy birthday, Kiyotaka.”

Taka’s smile was stiff. “Thank you, father.”

[ringsreforged]

Season 2, Episode 6 - Nat's Rambles

Okay – SO – Paulina is still on holiday, and I’m obviously DYING OVER HERE (Natalie, in case you hadn’t guessed) so TUMBLR. I HAVE RETURNED.

Truly though, I don’t think I’ve done this since S4 of The 100 which probably aired 100 years ago at this point…what has this show done to me…

ANYWAY. My immediate thoughts on Season 2, Episode 6: WHERE IS HE???????

Paulina Voice: All opinions herein have nothing to do with me, so only judge Natalie for them.

Important Note: I have only watched once, in a haze of stress and emotion, so I reserve the right to delete all of this later if I change my mind on any of it.

Arondir – Hello! Nice to see you! Glad you’re joining us for the battle!

I did like the detail of confirming that not all the orcs are on board with Adar’s war, but I was mostly laughing that ‘running through the trees’ is how the show has reminded us a character exists for two weeks in a row.

Rhun – I think this was the first episode where I was like GO AWAY, RHUN, NOT NOW. Though, I want to stress that I am super excited to see the conclusion of this, probably in episode 8. The Dark Wizard, the Gaudrim, the fate of the Stoors (honestly, I’m assuming they’re all going to be massacred tbh…which…the optics…but we’ll worry about that later…). In today’s episode, it just felt a bit like ‘hey, these characters still exist.’

I did love the little snippet of Tom and the Stranger, though I felt like it could have just been included in their previous scenes. He is 1000% Gandalf, and I stand by my opinion that this isn’t supposed to be a twist or a surprise. It’s just the narrative telling the story. Destiny or friend is super intriguing to me. It’s very Luke and Yoda from Empire, but I do wonder if his destiny IS to choose his friend…and in so doing, THAT is how he finds his staff…

Nori talking with the Gund was very sweet, and her willingness to give herself up to protect everyone was super in character. Poppy and Merimac were cute (I pray to all the gods that THIS was the kiss Morfydd teased but I doubt it very much…), and Poppy wanting to fight for the Stranger made me pretty emotional. However, I have some bad news…

Guys…I think I’m adding Poppy to DEATH WATCH. And I HATE IT. BUT I CAN’T UNTHINK IT.

Moving on…

Numenor – This continues to be the choppiest of storylines this season, but I do think the broad elements are super on point. And, actually, where we end up makes the Eagle sequence make more sense in retrospect. Pharazon didn’t have things locked down, Miriel is very much still a player on the board, and Mr. Eyebrows is THE BIGGEST HYPOCRIT.

Then again, if you told me I’d see Halbrand in the Palantir I’d probably touch it too…

Ahem. Loved that detail by the way! Part of the reason I felt like Halbrand would be his Numenor form was the small scene he shared with Pharazon back in S1, while Galadriel was taking out the guards. A connection was formed then – perhaps his eyes even bored a hole – and if Halbrand rocks up as an enemy of the elves, that’ll only make him more appealing.

Everything with Miriel and Elendil was absolutely stunning. He was willing to give his life for her, she was willing to give hers for his. WHAT ABOUT MY HEART. Honestly, from the way Owen and Cynthia talked about this season, I felt like they weren’t going to get anything at all romance coded. But I’m just starting to think people in TV only see active kissing as romance, because HELLO?? THAT’S THE SCRIPT????? THAT IS ABSOLUTELY ROMANCE????

I’m very excited to watch the sequence with the sea worm again, and to really let it wash over me (heh), because I was starting to get time anxious at that point in the episode (my brain starts panicking ‘don’t end, don’t end.’ Honestly, my brain SUCKS). But it was incredible, the implications were wonderful, Elendil’s relief was beautiful, and so was Pharazon’s rage. Also, the whole sequence was UTTERLY STUNNING, WOW.

Note for the show overall, or maybe just for myself, though – PLEASE stop spoiling so much of the season through promotional material. My biggest gripe with this episode is that I felt like I’d already seen/put together 90% of it.

Anyway, I’ve left Earien until last because this was a MUCH better episode for her (though, not letting her have any reaction to Valandil’s death was CRIMINAL). To the point that I’m now reforging (heh) my thoughts on last week – who directed her to have such bratty energy last week? Weird.

Anyway, we saw much more of her conflict and fluidity in this episode. She isn’t Faithful, she believes the new order is the way to go, but she’s also struggling massively with it. Her desperate hug with her father broke my heart, I had instant tears in my eyes, but then I also cheered when she brought Miriel in! What a great surprise that was! I’m REALLY interested to see where she goes from here…I’m assuming in the finale? I was sure she was locked onto a super dark path, but she witnessed Miriel survive the Valar’s judgement…will that sway her back around?

I’m going to finish this section with something that’s maybe a bit controversial…Elendil sucks as Earien’s father!!! Now, I’m willing to put this on pacing/editing issues, because I don’t think the show really wants us to feel this way. But good god, man. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. I really enjoyed their cell scene, but sweet lord baby jesus, these two needed a deep conversation in episode 3. Watching him turn to go when Miriel walked in, and just forget Earien was even there hurt me man…even though I enjoy the Miriel aspect VERY much…

Like, I know you’re mad at her, but you’re all she’s got left…and your pride might mean she watches you die…can you be a little kinder to her???

Dwarves being dwarves, AKA perfect – Flawless. No notes.

The initial sequence with the Durin’s and Annatar was PERFECT. Annatar being rejected (that Balrog glimpse was SO EVIL), and Baby Durin’s flicker of hope. But then the reveal that Daddy Durin is deep in the shit because he’s really just being greedy. My gooooodnesssssss. The show has done SUCH A GOOD JOB setting this up, because we know Daddy Durin isn’t this way! We feel Baby Durin’s pain!

Then Daddy Durin has his IT’S MINE moment with the ring and swats his son away. Anguish. And the anguish only anguished harder when we cut to Durin and Disa. Disa talking about her love for her father-in-law, and her own father, and then DURIN’S TEARS. UGH. UGH. UGH. I was weeping, honestly.

I feel like Durin being suss of the rings this early on is a pretty big change (don’t quote me on this) but I’m for it. Watching Disa turn back Narvi and the others (poor Narvi) was beautiful and then that I LOVE YOU. UGH. UGH. UGH. PERFECT, I SAY.

I doubt Disa has anymore bats to summon, though, so IDK how the heck they stop what’s coming next. Is Durin going to get drawn away by his desire to help Elrond, leaving Disa alone and vulnerable?

I REFUSE TO PUT DISA ON DEATH WATCH, SHOW. I REFUSE. DON’T YOU DARE.

Adar and Galadriel – I wish we’d gotten more, especially because they released a clip yesterday that I obviously couldn’t resist watching, but what we got was JUICY.

I felt that Adar knew Halbrand was Sauron back in the premiere, or at least suspected it. Getting that confirmation paints their scene with the talk of the wine, the tears, and the kneeling in such a different light. TASTY.

I’ve seen people question this, because why did Adar not try and kill him there and then? To my mind, that’s pretty straightforward. He killed him once and it didn’t stick. And last time he had the element of surprise. He knows that Sauron is powerful enough to get out of his chains/to not get caught by orcs, which means he’s here for a reason. If Adar tries to kill him, best case scenario Sauron is off the board for another few centuries, but he’ll likely take down some orcs with him on the way out. And for what? For him to just come back again?

I think Adar decided to play the long game. I think talk of Eregion and Galadriel let him know that something more was going on, and he was biding his time to act.

So, Sauron promised Adar children. Honestly, the Adar/Sauron/Galadriel dynamic that played across this episode was the stuff of my dreams. Adar is holding his own relationship with the fella up against hers, and there’s so much subtext for both dynamics. Was there romance between both? Was it solely manipulation for both? Is Adar what Galadriel might become if she succumbs?

Galadriel definitely wasn’t being entirely truthful with Adar when she mentioned that Sauron promised an army, because that was more what she thought she could get out of Halbrand. And yes, sure, Sauron might have nudged her that way. But Sauron’s true offer came later on the raft, after the army had been delivered. Adar even acknowledges that she’s not being truthful, that she needs to let go of her pride. I feel like we’ll see that play out over the last two episodes for sure…

The line that really stuck with me from a Hal&Gal perspective was Galadriel finishing Adar’s line about the world with Sauron being full of colour, and without him it’s a dull grey. It fits with how Galadriel has come across to me this season. Since Elrond shut her out, she hadn’t had anybody to open up to, and she’s certainly not being fully honest with herself yet. That dull grey speaks to how she’s mostly been…quite contained? The only moments where she’s truly come alive were with Nenya, and when she was fighting.

Later in the episode, she DOES put aside her pride. She calls Adar Uruk!!! She opens up and sees the possibility of an alliance. And I think this goes back to Sauron too. She’s had a taste of darkness and the temptation of it, she knows she’s not secure from succumbing, and so her perspective of Adar – who was once an elf – has massively shifted. However, when he asks if he and his children will be able to return to their home…we all know the answer to that.

I actually never stopped to consider that Adar would be the one manipulating/tricking Galadriel, which is silly in retrospect. Because this much better explains how she ends up in a cage facing the elves (sorry guys, I don’t think she’s bait for Sauron…she’s facing the wrong way…). I’m looking forward to watching this bit again, as I feel it was a bit rushed on first watch. I would have liked to see these two chat for a good two scenes more, honestly.

Adar is falling into the trap, which is pretty devastating, and Galadriel is the one seeing through it. Honestly, I really don’t know how things roll out in the finale. I flip from it making no sense for it to be a S1 rehash, to being sure she’ll defiantly resist, to being sure the show is setting her up to not be able to. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I wish I’d never seen those stupid leak spoilers…the promo makes me think they are real, but then we MUST be missing full context.

Adar is still on DEATH WATCH but like…a little bit less than before, honestly? Mostly because I don’t see how we have time to get ALL the confrontations into the last two episodes. When Adar goes out – and he will – he deserves the biggest death.

Random aside: I am pondering sharing something of a Haladriel ramble/rant but I’m also like…IDK if I want the hassle, so we’ll see.

Celebrimbor and Annatar

Oh, Brimby. My heart aches. The sequence with him forgetting Mirdania’s name was so heartbreaking and watching Annatar isolate him so completely was chilling. First, by taking away the other smiths, then with the illusion.

I actually don’t think I have a lot to say on this section, because it’s been rumbling along all season and we’re just about to reach the climax. Sauron is Sauron’ing his hardest in this episode.

I am now quite convinced that Mirdania is not Celebrian (I already didn’t really believe it, but it’s firmer now) and I do think she’ll die. I think she’ll either be killed by Sauron himself, or she’ll be caught in the crossfire of the siege, and as she dies she’ll make eye contact with him and he’ll just coldly leave her. I feel like there has to be some sort of climax to the whole…you look like Galadriel thing, but I’m not really sure what that could be?? I don’t think there’s going to be a lot of time next episode, so maybe that really was a one and done so the viewer understood he’s thinking about her…

Celebrimbor trying to snap on Annatar, and that flash of true rage in Annatar’s face…oh god, next week is going to be soul destroying. I honestly can’t wait and dread it at the same time. Celebrimbor has fought so hard but then comes the illusion, then comes the lure – more talk of the Valar, of his work, of Feanor and the Silmarils. CELEBRIMBOR. GET OUT, PLEASE. GET OUT.

Sauron was then absolutely buzzing at the end there, as war came, and I wonder if there are more twists to come or if things play out fairly straightforward from here. We know the elves will charge the orcs. Does that happen straight away? Is there any communication? Because it’s complicated, isn’t it? On one hand, let Adar and the orcs try to take our Sauron…but then, you know innocents are being killed. You have to save them, surely?

And that’s that, I think? PHEW.

I must say, it’s harder to get through this season being in fandom because I KNOW SO MUCH MORE and I WANT SO MUCH MORE and people STRESS ME OUT. But, at the same time, it feels nice to love something this hard again?

Let’s get episode 7 and [redacted] out of the way fast, though, yeah?

[chelseachilly]

THIS LOVE - chapter one | i can make the bad guys good for a weekend

pairing: ben chilwell x reader

rating: T

word count: 2.5k

summary: you and ben attend your first event as a “couple” - chelsea’s annual charity gala

A/N: thanks for all your messages about the little prologue i posted last week! i’m so excited for this story and i’m glad you guys are too :) this chapter title is from blank space by taylor swift, each chapter will correspond with a 1989 lyric

previous chapter | view all chapters

You don’t know what you anticipated your life to look like after you agreed to be Ben’s fake girlfriend, but it proves very quickly to be more of a commitment than you imagined.

In the first week alone, you have to go two meetings with him and his team to discuss what your “relationship” is going to look like, what your story is, and how you’re going to sell it to the public.

His publicist also tries to get you to sign a contract and an NDA, both of which Ben insists are unnecessary.

It feels weird for you to be involved in such an elaborate lie, and Ben obviously senses your discomfort as he tells you a few times that you can back out if you want. You know that he needs this, though, or he wouldn’t have asked you in the first place, so you wouldn’t dream of it.

You end up going with a simple story that doesn’t deviate too much from the truth - you two are childhood best friends who recently realized there’s more than friendship there and decided to explore a romantic relationship. The only change you have to make to your lifestyle, according to Shreya, is attending some high-profile events as Ben’s date and behaving like a couple whenever you’re in public.

It doesn’t sound too difficult, at least apart from having to pretend you’re in love with your best friend, but it’s definitely not a small lifestyle change.

Your first appearance as a “couple” is Chelsea’s annual charity gala, which most of the boys bring their wives or girlfriends to, at which you’ll be expected to wear a fancy dress and pose for photos with him and generally behave like Ben’s girlfriend.

You’ve gone on some nice holidays and been to some fancy restaurants with Ben over the years, but this is different. That much is clear when you get to Ben’s after work on Friday to get ready for the gala he’s taking you to and find racks and racks of designer gowns in his living room.

“What’s all this?” you ask as your eyes scan the dozens of shimmering dresses.

“Oh, my stylist sent them over for you,” Ben shrugs. “I know you said you had a dress, but feel free to pick one of these if you want. It’s on me, obviously.”

The dress you were going to wear is nothing compared to any of these, but you figure if you’re going to be a believable football WAG you need to dress the part.

“You know, I really don’t like you spending money on me,” you sigh.

“I know,” Ben chuckles - you’ve made that quite clear over the years. “But you’re giving up your Friday night to go to a stupid posh gala with me that I know you’ll hate, so let me buy you a stupid posh dress.”

“Fine,” you smile, standing on your tiptoes to quickly peck his cheek before going to browse your options.

After selecting a dress, you head upstairs to get ready in the guest bedroom that’s yours whenever you crash here.

You take your time doing your hair and makeup before slipping into the shiny silver gown you picked out. It’s made out of a silky material and there’s a slit up the leg, but it’s still modest enough for the gala. You trust that Ben’s stylist would’ve picked clothing suitable for the event, even though it’s fancier than anything you would typically wear.

Just as you’re struggling with the zipper at the back, there’s a knock on the door accompanied by Ben’s voice asking if you’re ready.

“Yeah, can you zip me up?” you shout back, giving him permission to enter.

As Ben walks in, you turn to face him, taking in the rare sight of him in a suit. The traditional black suit he has on is perfectly tailored and, you have to admit, he cleans up nice.

He blinks a couple times at the sight of you, his eyes scanning the gown you picked out.

“What is it?” you ask, suddenly feeling a bit insecure. “Is the dress alright?”

“What?” Ben asks, seeming a bit dazed for a moment. “Oh, um, yeah! No, it’s great. You look great. I’m just so used to seeing you in scrubs or joggers.”

You smirk, crossing your arms. “That’s a nice way to call me a slob.”

“I’m trying to compliment you, dummy,” Ben replies, rolling his eyes as he walks over to you.

You turn around so he finish doing up the dress, which he does quickly and easily. You try not to think about how many girls’ dresses he’s helped zip up, and how many more he’s taken off.

“Alright,” Ben says, gently patting your arm as he finishes. “Good to go? The car’s waiting out front.”

“Yep, ready.”

You slip on the shoes that accompany the dress, a similar shade of silver, and grip onto the railing as you descend Ben’s spiral staircase in the slightly precarious heels.

You both climb into the back of the sleek SUV waiting out front to take you to the hotel in Chelsea where the gala is being held. Your nerves begin to settle in on the drive as you realize that this is actually happening, and you’re going to have to put on a show in front of hundreds of people and cameras in just a few minutes.

“Hey, you okay?” Ben asks, looking up from his phone with a concerned gaze in your direction.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” you say with a forced smile. He obviously doesn’t believe you - he knows you too well for that - and continues to glare at you, waiting for the truth. “I just…do you really think this is believable?”

Ben frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Like, us as a couple,” you sigh. “I mean, how many footballers do you know that are dating a nurse? Or anyone that isn’t a size zero model for that matter?”

You both know it’s unlike you to talk yourself down, as you’re generally fairly confident, but you can’t help but feel insecure about walking into a room filled with beautiful women who are a lot more comfortable in this world than you are.

Ben, to his credit, looks genuinely appalled.

“Hey, don’t talk about my best friend like that,” he jests, poking you in the ribs. “You look amazing. They’ll all be wondering how I landed you, not the other way around.”

You can’t help but blush a bit, shoving Ben’s chest lightly.

“Save it for the cameras, Benji,” you say with a slight eye roll, though your smile betrays you.

He grimaces slightly at the nickname that he hates but begrudgingly allows you and only you to call him.

“Also, let’s be honest, you save lives for a living and I kick a ball around,” he points out. “The whole point of this is that you’re helping my image, remember?”

“That’s true, I guess I am out of your league,” you tease, making Ben stick his tongue out at you like he would when you were kids.

You pull up to the hotel soon after, and you brace yourself as the driver opens the door for you. The flashing lights of the cameras are blinding the moment you’re exposed to them, making you squint slightly.

Ben steps out first before offering you a hand to help you out of the car, waiting until your feet are securely on the ground before letting go.

“You ready?” he asks, gesturing with his head to the red carpet that awaits you.

You glance over at the carpet, which is lined with more paparazzi. Thankfully, you recognize some of Ben’s teammates immediately, which makes you feel a bit more at ease.

“Yeah,” you nod, taking Ben’s outstretched arm.

As you make your way into the carpet, you can feel your heart racing. The paps are calling out Ben’s name, wanting him to look in their direction, and it’s all a bit overwhelming.

Your train of thought is immediately paused as Ben slides his arm around your waist, settling it low on your hip. It’s much more intimate than any way he’s touched you before, but Shreya’s words from your meeting a few days prior echo in your mind.

You need to act like a couple. It needs to seem natural.

It definitely feels a bit strange having your friend touch you like this, but once you’re over the initial surprise, you actually find Ben’s arm around you to be incredibly grounding. You lean into his touch as you smile for the cameras, trying to look the part of the supportive girlfriend.

“You’re doing great,” Ben murmurs softly in your ear. “Almost done.”

You pose for a few more photos before he leads you toward the entrance. You know you’ll have to keep up appearances for the rest of the evening, but you’re glad the most public part of it is over.

As you enter the stunning ballroom, filled with many familiar faces of Chelsea’s players and staff, Ben’s arm remains around your waist.

“So, who here actually knows about our…arrangement?” you ask quietly as you move through the room.

You had both already informed your close friends and family about the situation to avoid any confused texts when the photos of you and Ben acting as a couple made their way online.

You know Ben told his best mates, like Tom, Harvey, Anish, Madders, and obviously Mason, who had come to be a close friend of yours over the years he and Ben were together at Chelsea too. You just aren’t sure if he told anyone at the club.

“Just Reece,” Ben says. “He asked if I was bringing a date and I figured since he knows you, it would make sense to tell him the truth.”

While you’re friendly with a lot of Ben’s teammates, you haven’t spent much time with most of them and they likely don’t know the extent of your friendship with Ben and wouldn’t bat an eye at the two of you now “dating.” You’ve known Reece for years, though, and he would definitely be confused by this sudden change.

“Okay,” you murmur, “so we have to act like a couple all night, basically?”

“Basically,” Ben says with a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, I know it’s weird. But we don’t really have to do anything special, I’ll just tell people you’re my girlfriend if anyone asks.”

“Oh, so we don’t have to go up on the stage and make out?” you mutter sarcastically. “What a relief.”

Ben chuckles and nudges you in the arm.

“I think no kissing is probably a good ground rule,” Ben suggests. “Sorry if the touching and stuff out there was too much.”

“No, it’s fine, if we’re gonna do this we have to sell it,” you shrug. “But I agree, there’s no amount of money you could possibly earn from improving your brand that would be worth kissing you. It’s too gross.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Could you at least lower your voice? Don’t really need people hearing my girlfriend say kissing me is gross.“

You laugh as Ben grabs two champagne flutes from a server and passes you one, which you clink against his before taking a sip. You definitely need some alcohol to get through this whole evening of pretending to be Ben’s girlfriend.

As you find your seats, you’re relieved to see that you’re sitting with Reece and his girlfriend Mia, meaning you won’t have to talk about your fake relationship all through dinner.

“Hey, it’s the happy couple,” Reece jokes as Ben pulls out a chair for you to sit next to Mia. “You look nice, Y/N.“

“Thanks, Reece,” you say as you hug Mia. “It’s nice to see you guys. This event is way too posh for me.”

“I know how you feel,” Mia smiles. “It felt weird the first time I came to one of these. And obviously it’s even weirder for you, with this whole…situation.”

“Yeah,” Reece says, lowering his voice a bit to ensure only the three of you can hear. “How the hell did Chilly get you to agree to this? Does he have blackmail on you or something?”

“Well, I do have some pretty embarrassing drunken Snapchat videos-“ Ben begins to say, but your glare cuts him off and he shakes his head and laughs. “Nah, mate. She’s just the fucking best.”

Your heart skips a beat at that, but you don’t have too much time to think about why before Ben and Reece have changed the subject to football.

A photographer comes around to take photos of each table, and Ben rests his arm on the back of your chair and leaves it there afterward as the four of you continue to chat.

Ben and Reece eventually go to get you guys another round of drinks before the entertainment begins - though the boys will have to stick to water for the rest of the night unless they want to hear about it from Poch at training on Monday.

“You know, you two actually make a convincing couple,” Mia says with a wink when you two are alone at the table.

“Yeah, right,” you chuckle, fiddling with a cocktail napkin. “I’m glad you think it’s believable, though. The sooner we improve Ben’s image, the sooner we can stop doing this.”

Mia nods, though she still looks a bit uncertain. “Right, well, he owes you big time. There’s a lot of scrutiny that comes with being in the public eye. You’ll be taking on all the risk of dating a footballer without any of the reward. That’s really generous of you.”

Honestly, you hadn’t thought too much about how all of this might impact you. You just knew that Ben needed your help.

Although you’re a bit tempted to check Twitter and see if people have already begun to talk about you, you decide you’ll deal with that later and just try to enjoy your evening for now.

Your anxieties do ease significantly when Ben returns to the table with your favourite drink in hand and a smile on his face.

“You good?” he asks softly, leaning in close so only you can hear.

You nod, returning his smile. “Just a bit nervous still.”

“You’re doing amazing,” Ben says sincerely. “But I know this isn’t how you would want to spend your Friday night, so thank you.”

“For the millionth time, it’s no big deal,” you insist. “This isn’t so bad, anyways. I’m just overthinking everything like always.”

“Well, I want you to tell me if any of this gets to be too much, at any point, and that’ll be the end of it,” he says firmly. “Okay?“

You nod, meeting his soft gaze and feeling your worries melt away even more.

“Okay.”

As the lights dim and the musical entertainment for the evening begins, Ben’s arm once again finds its way to the back of your chair and his hand loosely plays with a strand of your hair.

It’s too dark for anyone but you to notice, but for some reason, you don’t bother pointing that out to him.

A/N: let me know what you think so far! hoping to have the next chap out soon :)

tag list: @lunamelona @kathb59 @captainwans​ @amandaaa1025 @bbygrlllllll (let me know if you would like to be added!)