#I’m a watcher blog but my friend made me remember this gem

[jesus-said-chill]

Remember when Shane thought a lady fist fought the Mothman who was trying to steal her baby?

[vinylhazza]

that post broke my heart. Morgan, i am so sorry that you are feeling this way. i know there isn’t much i can say that can make you feel better, especially since we don’t know each other, but i promise you - you are worth it. you are worth so much more than you think you are. i’m not sure if you remember, but i was in that big zoom from a while back. i followed you on here after & went through your blog and read a bunch of your work. you so incredibly talented. (continued..)

2: talent like yours is few and far between. just from that zoom alone, i could tell that you are an incredibly sweet and funny person. the world would be at a loss without you in it, so don’t otherwise for a single second. i know the feeling you are currently experiencing all too well. additionally, i feel you about the loss of Corey. it broke my heart and i still can’t wrap my head around it. he deserved so much more. Morgan, if you ever need anyone to talk to - i am here. you’re never alone.

🥺🥺🥺 you know there are moments where i’m like: humanity sucks and people are trash. and then there are people like you who change my mind. you don’t even know me and you are freaking going out of your way to write a whole paragraph to make sure i’m okay. you have no idea how much this means to me darling. it means so much. there are several things that i don’t believe in this life, and one of them is that i’m worth it. but i know that’s my own insecurity talking and the fact that, like i said before, i have a deathly fear of being insignificant.

i was really excited to talk to you guys on that zoom call because everyone on here has made this app feel like i have a family, as silly as that sounds. it’s the only place i’ve ever really felt 100% safe to be myself and i can’t thank you guys enough for it. you have accepted me as i am, never judged me, unlike most people irl.

i wish you didn’t have to feel this dread honey, i really do. because it’s not fun. it doesn’t make me wanna sing in the shower. it doesn’t make me want to write. it doesn’t make me want to get in front of the camera and film. it doesn’t make me wanna do that, but i know that if i’m gonna survive it, i have to punch its ass in the face you know? i just have to push through it like i have all my life. it’s hard and sometimes i fell down, but we have to keep getting back up again. i struggle with that part a little. sometimes it’s easier to stay down.

but yeah corey...man that really rattled my bones y’all i feel like i lost a friend. i was an avid watcher and yeah i didn’t know him in real life, but man in some ways it felt like i did. he was so unapologetically himself at all times, around everyone. he was funny, kind-hearted, and lovable. he was a gem in this ugly ass world and it’s unfair and it made me want to throw up. watching Jc’s video last night felt like a punch to the stomach, but also kind of calmed me down. don’t get me wrong i sobbed through the entire thing, but by the ending i was smiling. he’s always going to be remembered as that beautiful person he was, and that to me, is fucking dope. he was too good for this world and everyone knew it.

i’m always here for you too, baby. always. yeah i might be an emotional mess, but i will put my entire world on hold to make sure you know you’re loved if you need it. i got your back. thank you for having mine.

xoxo ❤️

[iluvtv]

The Encyclopedia of Breakfast

The not so secret, secret is I truly manage to watch (and notate) far more television than there actually is time to write about.

I’d like to attribute this to reserving my writing to TV’s truest gems but the fact of the matter is that even when you wake up before dawn there still are just so many hours in a day. 

So, about three weeks ago I sat down to offer a quick round-up of a few of my sillier (mainstream) viewing habits. The sort of TV I loath to admit but am wary of being judged for tuning into. These formulaic network sitcoms are  inevitably littered with a funny line here, an occasional cutting edge concept there, or perhaps just a shockingly good writing staff. Maybe it isn’t groundbreaking television but I still took 20 pages of notes and thusly an hour to watch each 22 minute episode. I might as well share...

So, in the interest of time I began this piece with every intention of being light breezy and quick. But let’s all just take a moment to wake up,  smell the proverbial coffee (I’ll get to the grounds of that later) and accept that easy and brief is a style which eludes me. Instead just be grateful that I generally wake up before 4 am and don’t have children and in turn have endless hours to meditate on silliness. So, in that spirit let’s honor this sunrise and those sitcom Mommies that maybe have less time in their day because they actually are making family meals at dawn and remember that either way no matter who the fuck you are we all just put our pants on every morning one leg at a time.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here... Last night while tuning into The Mick I noticed something that I had somehow assumed was a stylistic choice exclusive to Modern Family 

(it isn’t afterall, and who is surprised – that show never really was as groundbreaking as we all wanted it to be though they are as of late doing a tremendous job satirizing Goop and all that is bullshit about Gwyneth Paltrow. These jabby jokes are good enough to warrant a blog all their own – but instead I’ll just wrap this one up with a few–).  

But I digress…. What I’m doing a very roundabout way of getting to here is that many sitcoms more often than not are introduced with breakfast. Now before you go rewatching every American Housewife episode you so obviously have DVR’d I am NOT saying these shows exclusively open with breakfast, however many employ the start frequently enough that I’ve started to wonder just when exactly the cereal is going to show up. I’ve come to realize though that if I don’t get a whiff of coffee right before the theme song and opening credits the waffles and eggs are usually trailing only a few scenes later.

Network sitcoms, though often fueled by clever wit from a sharp and talented writers room are generally just safe enough to avoid being ascribed as thought provoking and in kind have never quite warranted the energy or prompted my intelectual side quite enough to ponder why in matters as mundane such as breakfast. And so I will blame the very essence of formula itself for causing me to completely miss the fact that not only do nearly all family sitcoms open with breakfast but that this stylistic preference isn’t without a point. Now that it has come to my attention however I realize I’ve been blindly watching television families dine on donuts together since the 90′s and the whole thing suddenly seems just so incredibly obvious: how better to maximize time and jokes and theme than follow a family through their respective days? And where do family days begin? Why, with breakfast of course!

As I began to consider this concept I realized that this rule trends towards the more specific sub-genre of family-sitcom. I suppose the only reason I noticed this part at all is I am presently working my way through David Bianculi’s The Platinum Age of Television: from I Love Lucy to The Walking Dead how TV became terrific and of course am mostly drawn to his chapters on situational comedies. Bianculli explains the sitcom has “spread into so many varieties, classifying them all, as an evolutionary exercise, is like listing every species of an ant and there are more than ten thousand of those.”

Nonetheless, Bianculli devotes a whole chapter to the family sitcom. A straightward and historical omnipresence, it is a varietal defined in its very existence by being based at home. Home base of course is also where breakfast most often occurs. Sure, we all treat ourselves to the occasional Sunday (or weekly if you are a city millenialite) brunch on the town, but breakfast is typically fast, easy (unlike this blog) and consumed at one’s own table while your lover rifles through the fridge. 

Breakfast also has lots of opportunity for humor. Did someone forget their pants? Is someone else choking on spoiled milk? Did the toast burn or the juice spill?

So aside from the obvious breakfast is just the beginning and “most important” meal of the day, there does seem to be more  to unpack here. From my early years obsessing over Step by Step to the recent wonderfullness of Fresh off the Boat the family breakfast is a mainstay and yet somehow rather elusive.

What’s baffling to me is that googling this reaps no reward. Why should it be so bloody hard to find an article on the sitcom and the morning meal? I can find hits on notable restaurant scenes in television or what food every character in Modern Family would be (very stupid what idiot bothered to write this?!) but nobody it seems has delved into the fact that practically every episode of the charming new Speechless opens with someone eating bacon. I mean c’mon there has to be a far more intelligent conversation than the fact Hailey would be grapes if she were a fruit?! * editor’s note this may or may not be true – I somehow couldn’t work up the energy to actually click and read that load of rubbish.

This inability to research is hard for me. We’ve already discussed (a few blogs back) my desire for another to do the work. I like to go down rabbit holes of discovery -- collecting inconsequential factoids reported by braniacs and plagiarize (kidding!) their most interesting content. Like I’ve previously mentioned; even before I could actually write I wanted to be a writer (it sounded much easier then) and this was best accomplished by copying books which had already been read to me. I just prefer citation to original content. How am I supposed to explain to you the theory and history behind breakfast in situational family comedies if no one before me has bothered? You can’t actually expect me to come up with all of this on my own?! I’m a personal trainer not a television academic! Though I suppose I do fancy myself a bit of a culture savant (thank you NYT, Vanity Fair and NPR)

But no matter, now that the contemplation has commenced my curiosity is undeniably piqued. I can’t help but wonder if aside from the clearly obvious simplicity in the fact that the family day starts in the kitchen breakfast also might just be a really good place for product placement. And since advertising is just the proverbial cinnamon-butter and toast to any network sitcom this alone is a clear enough incentivize for writers to include oatmeal. How many commercials center around the morning routine weather it be a vitamin, a cereal bar or an espresso machine? Somehow breakfast seems to hit more opportunities for the ad-guys than many other scenarios. And what do you grab once you’ve finished your Kashi Go Lean and Fage greek yogurt? Why your Volvo sedan car keys and lunch sack with a Bumble Bee tuna sandwich, of course! *editor’s note: where’s my commercial paycheck? 

Aside from which, food just hits all our primal instincts. It is one of those unavoidable facts of life that both keeps us alive and brings us together (yes, even those families who wisely spend 90% of their days avoiding one another). This inclination to nurture oneself (both physically and metaphorically) is primal and thusly no matter how unrealistic (re: unrelatable) your sweet wholesome family sitcom is this inevitable consumption is a near constant event even your most neurotic of viewer can sympathize with on some level. Building upon this foundation of our very existence is not only ripe for comedic opportunity but (again) it is just great for advertising. And while dining is of course not at all exclusive to morning, and plenty of chain restaurants and event based businesses who want in on advertising can find opportunity in other meals, this proves more difficult for writers to feature quite as consistently. If a cast were to eat out every single episode they will start to seem just a little too unrealistic and Hollywood to your average viewer. Not to mention it’s just more likely the entire family will be at least somewhat present in the morning (and possibly funnier as they are likely hungover and grumpy). Grabbing a pop tart while you turn your nose up at Mommy’s burnt pancakes week after week will get a chuckle or at least a nod from just about anyone, New York and Montana alike. Conversely, there are “eateries” you will see sitcom actors spend endless hours inside. From the now classic Cheers and Friends to more contemporary features like New Girl, cafes and bars are just as much a sitcom mainstay as the breakfast table. The world always has 10 bucks for coffee and wine (not necessarily in that order) and this is a perfect fit for a sub-genre of the family sitcom-- the one more realistic to my 30-something city compatriots where friends have become the family.

But, since  we’ve already determined I’m generally not a scholar of television and I’ve already managed to drone on and on (light and breezy my skinny little arse) let’s return to what I’m really here to do -- share my moments as a watcher.  So, while I give you a moment reprieve to ruminate on the unexplored yet complicated ideals behind morning nutrition and television I’ll brief you a bit on the comedy which finally made me realize breakfast was a thing...

The Mick which stars Kaitlin Olson (who also executive produces the show) of the very funny It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, frequently gathers their unruly and unlikely cast inside the kitchen. The kitchen is a smart locale for ashow thriving on physical humor and slapstick. The knives, booze and food alone are enough to cover most storylines.

Perhaps the “sweetest” breakfast opening to this underrated show (which in spite of itself just finished a full 20-episode second season), is when little Ben (played flawlessly by Jack Stanton) the absolute most darling, insightfully dumb child presently on TV is eating spaghetti and ketchup for breakfast while feeling sad he was the one kid left out of an all-class sleepover party while the cruel but loving adults in his life plot miserable ways to get back at the horrid, mean child who left out their Ben.

The thing is, as a whole this show should just be stupid and raunchy but individually I’ve fallen for each character in that can’t help but root for the underdog kind of way, and so week after week I actually look forward to catching up with this crew of horrible misfits. The basic premise of the show is as follows: Messy and poor Aunt Mickey is left as sole guardian to her sisters’ children whose parents have fled from the cops and later are arrested for tax evasion and whatever other things rich people wind up in trouble over.

As I learned from my Bianculi readings the original comedy storyline of a family member taking in wayward orphans stems from Bachelor Father which premiered in 1957 when John Forsythe  took in  his niece after her parents were killed in a car crash. This idea has been classically and cleverly retooled by many fabulous comedians including the late, great Bernie Mac. It is notable that it took over a decade for television to feature a single female guardian (TV is sexist— what?!). All that being said, Mickey has by no means taken the responsibility of these children on soley herself, nor does what Mickey do really classify as parenting per se. What is unique about Mickey’s venture into “parenthood” is the typical roles are abruptly flipped. By caring for her seemingly horrible, spoiled niece and nephews Mickey finds herself in a very Jeffersonian moment. Gone are the days of the poor little orphans being rescued by Daddy Warbucks, replaced instead by the tremendous great fortune of the grownups. Mickey moves herself and her boyfriend from their pathetic impoverished lives to the Pemberton mansion and she declares herself and the somewhat abused Mexican house cleaner, Alma (the very funny Carla Jimenez) queens of the castle. For all intents and purposes this charitable act (like everything Mickey does) is 100% self serving but in the spirit of reliable television breeds hours of hilarious family dynamics. I like most everything about this dysfunctional families’ misadventures but most of all the the youngest Pemberton child, the aforementioned very sweet and not even slightly precocious Ben and the genuine goodwill he unwittingly stirs in those around him.

The relationship between the endlessly impressionable Ben and his Aunt Mickey who in spite of her best intentions with Ben is just an intrinsically flawed and unapologetically self-destructive human being are always the funniest moments of each 22 minute episode. I love that this show somehow warms my heart while still holding capital on modern-day gross out tv, all the while never once being endearing or making any character learn a lesson.

One of the best episodes to date, aptly titled The Church and premiering in a timely fashion during lent, opens early morning to the children finding Mickey facetiming with Alma who is speeding through town in one of the families’ very expensive cars. Mickey explains she bet Alma that she couldn’t buy smokes and return in under 5 minutes.

Just then Alma crashes the car through the mansions entrance.

She is terribly injured (no fear everyone on this show is seemingly made of titanium and has 30 lives) but made it back just in the nick of time, cigarettes in hand.

Cut to the hospital and Alma realizing she has totaled yet another Maserati.

“Send me to rehab,” the poor woman groans.

Mickey absolutely refuses, citing the many musicians rehab has ruined. “I don’t want you to lose your zip I just don’t want you to die,” she explains.

Instead Mickey decides on church. Even though she isn’t religious she likes church, free donuts, coffee, a little wine to take the edge off, confess your sins and get to go home guilt free.

“The point isn’t to believe in god, just to reset dials a bit,” Mickey continues, suddenly deciding the whole  family will be attending the following Sunday. “All our souls could use a little oil change.”

And so the episode ensues filled with lots of frighteningly raunchy physical comedy and dark humor as the Pemberton family, Alma, Mickey and Jimmy try to navigate and thusly destroy modern day Catholicism.

And as is apt to happen in any 22 minute stylings of network comedy the episode ends just where it began. We find the crew in the hospital, adults injured and  recommitted to their drug and alcohol (ab)use and the children as blasphemous as ever. Only sweet little Ben my gem of naivete seems to have transitioned from a staunch child agnostic to the idealistic misgiving that he may one day be Pope.

Don’t worry though even he’s let that go by the following episode which opens to all the children staring at their phones intently while eating breakfast -- an act which sends Mickey (and the episode itself) into a rant about living in reality. This of course ultimately turns out to be a terrible idea. Though I must admit technology does not fare much better.

And since I did promise and this blog has already become an encyclopedic novel of sorts anyhow, before I leave you here’s a Goop gag from Modern Family.

Mira Sorvino spoofs Gwynnie (and nails it!) as she plays the founder of “Nerp”.  Hiring Hailey to be her personal assistant she explains: “I want to turn Nerp into the next Disney Facebook Tesla Botox.”

Then she shows Hailey her crystal energy stickers which clearly heal the colon.

In a later episode when she goes out of town to judge a Placenta Cooking Contest in Nepal (yes, you read that right) she loans the family her estate in Santa Barbara for a wine weekend. 

Mitch: “Wow your boss launches one style website and she can afford all this!? I wish 1950s closeted father was a look people were clamoring for.”

Hailey in turn explains the formula for Nerp is much more complicated than just a style website... 

There’s more here I promise, if you hate the trend of marketing garbage (re: functional everything) in the form of health and still like Modern Family even a little bit I recommend tuning in. This unabashed mocking of Goop is the best thing to come out of this somewhat tired (in spite of all it’s coffee-fueled breakfasts’) sitcom in a long time.