#I’m 6’ and 120lbs. this isn’t right

[321sluggie]

mentions of weight loss in tags

[drop-killa]

Being Honest

**trigger warning: diet culture, purging, and self-loathing** This isn’t a post where I’m self-loathing about my diet culture; it’s a piece of writing about being completely honest and raw about my personal experiences.

So this whole entire blog started because I made an Instagram account, a private one apart from my regular public one, as a form of accountability on my fitness journey. My goals of this fitness journey are to return back to the size I was before I got foot surgery 6 months ago and fit back into my old jeans. THAT BEING SAID I only want to lose 20-30lbs... THAT BEING SAID I am 5′5″ and my goal weight is around 180-190lbs. That’s not most peoples goal weight but I am just a whole lotta woman. I quickly gained weight after both serious injuries I’ve had in my life and I am having a lot of trouble losing it this second time around. Moving on: life is not all about losing weigh but I am uncomfortable. My goal weight is not 120lbs ok? It’s just to return to a normal comfortable size where my clothes fit.

I have been posting “everyday” on my countdown to Bonnaroo in June of 2020. I started typing out this super long caption and I decided it deserved a better home. This blog post doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me.

Ok so I deleted IG off my phone and honestly I have missed: pictures of cats, rave memes, and posting on my private account.

I've been home alone for almost 2 weeks and I have been absolutely destroying my diet. By diet I just mean "general intake of nutritious food"

I'm not ON a diet: it's a word to explain your nutritional intake

My mom and I live together. She’s pretty woke for being born in 1968 and having lived through an entirely different period of diets and cultural norms but she definitely still has some pretty toxic diet relationships that she will never unlearn. So unfortunately I grew up in a household with some seriously toxic food and diet conversations. I remember when I first hit puberty and started showing cellulite on the back of my thighs my mom was making me do pilates with her because she was convinced I would hate myself when I got older for having cellulite.

She's been out of town.

Being out of the sight of someone who definitely judges me for what I eat is actually doing more damage than being around her. One greasy day of eating shouldn't budge the scale but 2 weeks of greasy eating surely will....

The extent to which I binge is absolutely unbelievable. My relationship with food is not healthy but not in the way that I’m always seeing being talked about online. Right now it’s super acceptable to be have recovered from an ED like anorexia and accepting the fact that you’re 130lbs instead of 100lbs and workout a lot. The people I see preaching about accepting their bodies, besides Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday, are not the kind of bodies that I can relate to.

I feel like my life will be a forever battle against chewing my nails until they bleed, and potential obesity just sitting over the horizon. I don’t know if that’s normal or that’s a real worry I should have.

I used to binge AND purge. BAD. I really don’t like when people describe foods as “bad” or “oh I was so good today” because that’s obviously a socially acceptable toxic mindset that I would not like to participate in. On the other hand: Purging IS bad. Eating yourself sick with the intention to puke it up afterwards is bad bad bad. I take full responsibility for my own self harm and I also can remember exactly where it started. My best friend, my day one and my forever girl, took about a year apart from each other unintentionally and sowed our own wild oats. She got a boyfriend and I hung around a girl who smoked cigarettes and lost weight by bulimia. I was so inspired by the idea that I could eat anything in the fucking world and just throw it up after and i fucking did. I have been battling depression for what feels like my entire fucking life and this was a super low point, historically, that I saw as a super high point at the time. A lightbulb went off. I don’t think I ever even binged that bad before this time. And unfortunately  the damage cannot be undone.

I have a shit history of self harm- I'm not gonna go into those details. Being an intelligent teenager is difficult and that's another story.

I am known for talking and being unashamed and being honest and open and trying to relate to people on a real level. There are some really uncomfortable and disturbing traumatic experiences in my life that I just won’t ever want to talk about. I never want them to be the subject of any discussion. This is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept. I don’t know that I was ashamed at the time but I liked it so much that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I knew what other people would have to say about it and I didn’t want to have to stand there and react and pretend like I was going to change while they gasped and scolded me.  It’s actually kind of funny because tumblr was the BIBLE for kids with eating disorders. All of the realest, darkest information for frustrated teens was on tumblr back in the day. It was the dark teenagers of my generations gateway into the depths of human psyche. It was the first place I read about kids who fucking hated themselves and look- here I am telling this story for the first time on the only vessel I ever learned it on in the first place. Tumblr has always been a safe anonymous place for self-loathing.

I don’t know that this story was ever going anywhere specific and that’s why it was moved from an IG caption to an entire blog. I don’t know that I’ve ever hated myself but I have treated myself so, so poorly.

So I’ve been home alone for 2 weeks and I have been binging so much. I have been such a fucking anxious mess and I appreciated the space during this time because I don’t always want to explain myself - sometimes I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out while I’m blow drying my hair. I do miss having people around to remind myself of normal functions of life like: vegetables and sleep and normal bed times. I’m giving up on this post but I like typing better than journaling so I believe I will continue.

[sapphic-sustrai]

Team DMNO: OC Meme Time!!

So, a little while back I found this meme by emboars on Tumblr. It basically involves ordering your OCs {e.g. from tallest to shortest} and I thought that it’d be fun to do for my RWBY OC Team, DMNO! If anyone else wants to do it for their OCs, you can find a link to the post here. 

I know that this is a meme that’s for sending asks in, but I still wanted to do this for fun! Also these answers will be treated as if DMNO were asked these questions some time between Volumes 2-3 of RWBY. Finally, I won’t be answering every single question listed.  With that being said, more will be underneath the cut.

1) Tallest to Shortest:

Olwen - 6’2.

Douglas - 5’10.

Norbert - 5’6.

Melanie - 5’3.

2) Heaviest to Lightest:

Olwen - 200lbs.

Douglas - 160lbs.

Norbert - 120lbs.

Melanie - 115lbs.

3) Oldest to Youngest {They’re all the same age, so this is in terms of how many months apart they are}:

Olwen - Birthday is February 9th.

Douglas - Birthday is July 17th.

Melanie - Birthday is August 12th.

Norbert - Birthday is September 7th.

4) Kindest to Rudest:

Douglas - Is known for being a very friendly person.

Melanie - Is known for being a sweetheart.

Norbert - They’re friendly, but they’re also very shy.

Olwen - It’s not that she’s incredibly rude, she’s just more quiet then her other teammates. She’ll also be openly snarky to anyone that she doesn’t like.

5) Most Athletic to Least Athletic:

Melanie - an athletic super-star.

Olwen - physically strong & quite active.

Douglas - is pretty flexible & agile. 

Norbert - is pretty active, but not as athletic as their other teammates.

6) Most Intelligent to Least Intelligent: 

Norbert - one of the brightest at Atlas Academy.

Olwen - very resourceful & cunning, surprisingly knowledgeable on a lot of subjects.

Melanie - pretty book smart and good at keeping up with her schoolwork.

Douglas - it’s not that he’s dumb, he’s just not very book smart.

7) Most Creative to Least Creative:

Douglas - he practically oozes creativity from every pore.

Melanie - she loves scrap-booking, gardening & crafts.

Norbert - he enjoys painting every once in a while.

Olwen - Creativity? Never heard of her. The only time she ever gets truly creative is when either she’s cooking meals or coming up with new sword/fighting techniques.

8) Most Social to Least Social:

Douglas - a total social butterfly.

Melanie - will talk to almost everyone. 

Olwen - is mostly quiet and only really social with those that she’s close to.

Norbert - is shy & has social anxiety, so it’s hard for them to socialize.

9) Most Likable to Least Likable:

Douglas - the most likable.

Norbert - second most likable.

Melanie - is likable, but some are turned off by her loud & rowdy personality.

Olwen - it’s not that she isn’t likable, it’s just that most perceive her to be unlikable due to her, “intimidating”aura & snarky responses.

10) Most Attractive to Least Attractive:

Olwen -  most attractive member on the team, according to most, if not almost the entire the Atlas Academy female student body, the male student body finds her attractive, but they’re also intimidated by her.

Douglas - most attractive member on the team according to the Atlas Academy male & a good portion of the female student body.

Melanie - a lot of the male student body find her attractive and only some of the female student body finds her to be attractive.

Norbert - the majority of the Atlas male & female student body find them to be more, “cute”, then attractive.

11) Most Fashionable to Least Fashionable:

Norbert - a fashion icon.

Olwen - has a pretty decent taste in fashion.

Douglas - has pretty taste, but makes some questionable decisions in terms of wardrobe.  

Melanie - Fashion? Never heard of her.

12) Most Honest to Least Honest:

Melanie - is pretty open about herself and doesn’t really lie about anything.

Douglas - is pretty open and will sometimes tell little white lies.

Olwen - is somewhat open about herself and she will lie if she has to.

Norbert - is the most private person on the team and often lies about how they’re feeling.

13) Most Confident to least Confident:

Melanie - the most confident, but it can also be seen as cockiness. 

Douglas - 2nd most confident, but can also be a bit cocky.

Olwen - 3rd most confident, but she’s the most humble about it. 

Norbert - Confidence? Never heard of them?

14) Most to Least Likely to Explore a Haunted House:

Olwen - she’s very into horror, so this would be right up her alley. 

Douglas - he’d be down to explore, especially with friends.

Norbert - they’d consider going, as long as they wouldn’t be alone and if they were holding onto someone {like Douglas} the whole time,

Melanie - she’d wait outside because she has a huge fear of ghosts and horror really isn’t her cup of tea.

15) Most Likely to Least Likely to Get Married & Have Kids:

Melanie - really wants to get married and really wants to be a mom.

Douglas - doesn’t really care if they get married or not, but he’d be down with having kids.

Norbert - wouldn’t mind getting married, but is a bit unsure about having kids.

Olwen - is still unsure about getting married or having kids.

16) Most Likely to Least Likely to Kill Someone:

Melanie & Douglas - most likely to kill, but only if it was self defense.

Olwen & Norbert - absolutely refuses to kill, in Olwen’s case it’s because of previous trauma.

17) Best to Worst Student:

Norbert - one of the top students in their class at Atlas Academy.

Olwen - also one of the top students in their class at Atlas.

Melanie - is a pretty good student, but mostly excels in the physical classes.

Douglas - isn’t doing poorly, but could do better, also excels in the physical classes.

18) Best to Worst Chef:

Olwen - the greatest chef on the team, who cooks most of the team’s meals.

Norbert - is a pretty good cook.

Douglas - is a decent cook, is better at grilling things on the BBQ.

Melanie - isn’t a terrible cook, but she tends to put too many spices/spicy things in her food and the team doesn’t really allow her anywhere near the kitchen.

And that’s all that I have for right now! I want to make more DMNO tags like this in the future! I’m currently working on other OC bios at the moment, so be on the lookout for those! If you have any questions about DMNO, my askbox is always open!

[justfcrkicks]

01. what’s your name/alias you go by ??

it’s not my real name but i go by cody online, usually.

02. what’s your age ??

nineteen, almost twenty. i feel 12 tho

03. what’s your zodiac sign ??

aries! i added the exclamation point bc we’re supposed to be assertive but i didn’t get the memo.

04. what’s your ethnicity ??

umm what ISN’T my ethnicity is a better question haha. but no i’m mostly italian/sicilian, lots of different other european countries too, and also part native american, but sadly the only person that even knew what tribe was my grandmother who never really shared those details with anyone before her passing.

05. what’s your nationality ??

i am a US citizen :)

06. what’s your favorite band and/or musical artist ??

i can never answer this because i like pretty much every genre of music and my “favorite” is constantly in flux but right now i’ve been listening to a lot of greta van fleet, eminem, harry styles, joyner lucas, tenacious d, and also one specific willie nelson song has been on a constant loop when i’m not listening to the other stuff.

07. what’s your dream job ??

i don’t really have one tbh. lots of people do and that’s awesome, but sometimes people don’t believe me when i say the only thing that matters is that i don’t hate the job and it earns me enough money to live comfortably, maybe own a small house, reasonably priced car, etc. 

08. what’s one place you would love to visit ??

alpha centauri

09. what’s your favorite tv show ??

another one of those things where i can’t pick a favorite. i’ve been enjoying arrow, riverdale, titans, the ranch, sabrina, supergirl, the flash, legacies, and legends of tomorrow lately though. i’m also a big fan of general hospital, the 100, izombie, lucifer, and stranger things.

10. what’s your favorite movie ??

um... tough one but i have always had a soft spot for Joe Dirt, or The New Guy. Also, I really liked Why Him with James Franco, Bryan Cranston, and Zoey Deutch. I mean, not the greatest movies ever but they’re what come to mind when asked, so... lol

11. what’s your favorite song ??

as of the past couple weeks? “cruel cruel world” by willie nelson, or “unshaken” by d’angelo. for weeks before that it was “lucky you” by eminem & joyner lucas. but i really, unironically love “only in america” by riff raff. the video is hilarious and it just puts me in a good mood.

12. what’s your favorite sport ??

is watching tv a sport? haha video games is a sport, right...?

13. what’s your favorite food ??

pizza. or cereal. i have difficulty picking favorites if you couldn’t tell.

14. what’s your favorite face claim to use ??

chris wood or paul wesley, usually. i’ve just used them a lot and gotten used to them. i tried to justify chris wood for john but he’s way too buff to be john and his skinny gifs don’t look nearly enough like john to make any sense.

15. what’s your least favorite face claim ??

andy ballsack biersack. emma roberts. those two bring up bad memories. dylan o’brien. idk why, i like him well enough as an actor. i’m not necessarily opposed to rping with any of them though

16. what’s your favorite canon character to play ??

i played kai parker for a while. that was fun.

17. what’s your sexuality ??

heterosexual. i legitimately cannot remember a time i wasn’t into girls. as a toddler i’d play with barbies to take the clothes off lmfao

18. what’s the last movie you saw in a cinema/theater ??

batman v superman i think. it’s been way too long.

19. what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had ??

i’ve had some bad ones. i broke my wrist/hand in a few different places, which wasn’t too bad. had a sprained/fractured ankle which didn’t heal for like a year. but the worst was when i got assassin’s creed brotherhood as a kid and laid on my stomach across the whole couch, propped up on my elbows for like 7 hours straight. my back was in a u shape the whole time and when i finally moved, that was the moment i realized i fucked up lol

20. what’s a random or interesting fact about you ??

um.... idk i’m boring but maybe that i have lost 120lbs 

21. do you listen to music while you write ??

sometimes. if i find a good playlist (i’m too lazy to make one) that’s not too distracting then sometimes i’ll use it for a while but other times i just like the silence.

22. are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer ??

night. no matter how hard i try my sleep schedule always gets turned upside down eventually to where i get up at like 6 pm and go to sleep at like 10 am, so i usually only write while the skies are dark lol

23. have you ever roleplayed intoxicated ??

nope. i’ve never had a drink or done drugs so that’d be a neat trick. lol

24. what language or languages do you speak ??

only english. i’m probably too dumb to learn another language tbh. though for a while after playing assassin’s creed 2 i’d say random italian sentences and call people “stronzo!”

25. how long have you roleplayed ??

i mean technically i’ve been rping since i was 8 on myspace, but i didn’t move on to legit rp until i was like 11 or 12, then i went to rp.me for a while, then finally got to tumblr around 2012-2013. 

26. favorite roleplay genre ??

i don’t really have one, but i was once in a scifi rp that changed my view on what groups can be, and i think it was my favorite experience ever. everyone was so close and friendly and that made the rp even more fun, so now a good scifi rp brings up those memories for me and makes me enjoy that genre even more.

27. one sound you hate & one you love ??

ok so the sound i hate is nails scratching cotton. not a chalkboard, oddly enough that’s tolerable to me, but nails scratching up against cotton... i have no idea why but it sends chills down my spine lmfao

i love the sound of a crackling fire though. or rain. or rain and a crackling fire. 

28. do you believe in ghosts ??

hell yes i do. pls don’t hurt me ghosts i believe in u

29. do you believe in aliens ??

do i think aliens exist? yes. do i think we’ve been visited by aliens, or that we’re even close enough for them to know we exist? not necessarily. but i do like the ancient alien theory that we were visited by aliens a long time ago and taught stuff. especially when you consider that so many cultures, even those that had no way of being in contact with each other are so similar, have similar thought processes, and progressed at similar rates.

30. do you believe in true love ??

yes & no. i believe that initial attractions can be very powerful in producing a “love at first sight” feeling, but no one is just meant to love another person. i believe you can grow to feel “true love” for anyone assuming the right circumstances.

31. do you hold grudges ??

i’d like to think i don’t but i know i do, at least in the back of my mind. sort of forgive but not forget, but also never 100% forgiving either? idk.

32. do you have any obsessions right now ??

red dead redemption 2. big shock, i know haha. i just can’t get over the ending, the characters, the music, the world, etc. 

33. do you drive & if so, have you ever been in a crash ??

nope & nope

34. do you like the smell of gasoline ??

nooooo it makes me feel sick, honestly.

35. do you prefer writing fluff, angst, or smut ??

all of the above! each has its merits, and writing too much of one thing can get old and make the others feel more appealing. smut gets old the quickest though imo, even though i’ve run a smut rp in the past haha

36. are you in a relationship ??

are you? lmao

37. grab the nearest book to you and turn to page 23, what is the 17the line ??

well it’s a comic/graphic novel so there’s not 17 lines on that page but the second to last line is “and edward nigma... did you know that when the riddler was first transferred to arkham, they had to keep moving him from cell to cell to keep him from being able to formulate an escape?” it’s Batman Volume 10: Epilogue by Snyder & Capullo.

38. put your playlist on shuffle and list the first four songs that pop up:

1. Santeria by Sublime 2. Money Trees by Kendrick Lamar 3. Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana 4. Ladders by Mac Miller

[sonderyears]

“Reasons why”

1 I gained 4 pounds in one week after never reaching 120lb 137 is not okay

2 I can’t get my head wrapped around religion no matter how I look at it

3 drowning seems nice tbh

4 my job sucks leaving is gonna sick and I hate letting people down but I HAVE to go or do this

5 I’m so fucking tired and I’m not getting better

6 my physical health is getting worse along with my mental health

7 I don’t want to explain the old scars

8 I REALLY don’t want to explain what’s under the band aid

9 I have 2 friends and they never talk to me I’m pretty sure they keep me around out of pity

10 oak lawn isn’t a great facility so even if I went or got help somewhere is probably won’t do anything

11 I’m sick I’ve been sick for so long I’m depressed sometimes I’m manic I cut myself I make myself vomit to lose weight i starve myself and even when I’m better it’s just them all taking turns instead of happening all at once

12 I mean I’m writing thirteen reasons that alone counts as one right?

13 this is year two of being hopelessly in love with someone who does not want me because frankly who would want me

14 I could keep writing this list and I just wanted to know if I had thirteen reason

15 I don’t think I can express any of this in a comprehensible way to my mother

16 hotlines are never any help

17 I’ll never have to learn to drive

18 I’ll never have to pay rent

19 I won’t be around to be a bad influence on my beans

20 the little girls probably won’t remember me very well if I do it now

21 I should’ve done it five years ago when this first started cycling

22 I don’t want to be medication dependent but I wont get better on my own

23 I will never see war or riots or senseless violence again

[hayleyfit9286]

Day 2

Gooood morning. 

I missed blogging so much. I’m not sure how I’ve lost 30lbs without blogging. This seriously keeps me sane. 

I weighed in after an unhealthy weekend this morning, thank god still in the 125s (125.6). Not bad at allll. I’m dying to see 124 or 123 though, i seriously haven’t seen that number since high school. Just to be on the lower end of the 120s would really be amazing. 120lbs is one of my first “goal” weights, then 115, and 110. I feel like i’ve come such a long way since 156lbs, but still feel like i have forever to go. hitting 115 before halloween would be insane but losing 10lbs in like 6-7 weeks isn’t too unrealistic, is it? 

Anyways. for breakfast I had:

Iced latte with oat milk (not sure calories here)

Whole grain english muffin w/lo-fat cream cheese (200cal) 

feeling just some veggies for a late lunch. We’ll see. Maybe tomato soup for dinner. 

I didnt work out this morning, I’m going to save it for right before I go to bed. 

Overall feeling good, just very fatigued. I don’t know if that’s from trying to restrict somewhat or if its just this rainy weather and fog that’s got me a little tired but i swear I could go to sleep right now and crash the rest of the day. 

Ok back to work :) check in with this later