#I’ll still be lurking probably bc of who I am as a person

[janecrockeyre]

scum villain is a greek tragedy disguised as a regular tragedy disguised as a comedy disguised as a danmei

this is going to be long, and this is only PART ONE.

a.k.a, Analysing the plot of Scum Villain’s Self Saving System through Aristotle’s Poetics, because I Have Mental Issues

Part One: Introduction and the Tragic Hero

Scum Villain’s Self Saving System is a tragedy disguised as a comedy, unless you’re Shen Yuan, in which case it’s a mixture of a romance and a survival horror. It's a fever dream. It's a horrible, terrible book that made me feel new undiscovered emotions when I finished reading it. 

The thing is... SVSSS shares characteristics with some of the most famous tragedies in the West, such as Oedipus Rex, Medea, Antigone, the Oresteia... if you haven’t read these, I’ll explain everything. But the gist of my argument is this: SVSSS is the perfect tragedy. In triplicate. 

Tragedy as a genre is old as balls and so it has meant slightly different things to different people over the last few thousand years. I'll be focusing on ancient Greek tragedy, which was performed at the yearly Festival of Dionysus in Athens during the 500-350s BC (give or take a hundred years). Aristotle, when writing about this very specific subset of tragedy, had no idea that one day Scum Villain would be written, and then that I would be using his work as a way to look at Shen Qingqiu’s Funky Transmigration Mistake. Anyway!

Greek tragedy greatly influenced European dramatic tradition. I have a lot of opinions about white academics idolising and upholding the classics as the "paragon of culture" but I'll withhold them for now. I have no idea if MXTX has read Greek tragedy or not, so don't take this as me saying they are writing it. 

In my opinion, tragedy is a universal human constant. We are surrounded by pain and hurt and none of it makes any sense, so we seek to process that pain through drama, art, literature, etc. We want to understand why pain happens, and how it happens, and try to make sense of the senseless. The universe is cold and cruel and random. Tragedy eases some of that pain. 

On that note: Just because I am analysing Scum Villain through a Greek lens doesn't mean that it was written that way. I'm pasting an interpretation onto the book when there's probably a very rich and deep history of Chinese tragedy that I just don't know about. If you ever want to talk about that, please, god, hit me up, I would love to learn about it!! 

Anyway, tragedy. MXTX is excellent at it! Mo Dao Zu Shi? Painful dynastic family tragedy. Heaven Official's Blessing? Mostly romance, but she managed to get that pure pain in there, huh? 

But in my opinion, Scum Villain holds the crown for the most tragic of her stories. MDZS was more of a mystery. TGCF was more of a romance. Neither of them shy away from their tragic elements. 

Scum Villain would fit right in between the work of Sophocles, Euripides and Aeschylus. How? Let me show you. Join me on my mystery tour into the world of "Aristotle Analyses Danmei..."

Part One: The Tragic Hero

What is a tragic hero? Generally, Greek tragic heroes are united by the same key characteristics. He must be imperfect, having a "fatal flaw" of some kind. He must have something to lose. And he must go from fortune to misfortune thanks to that fatal flaw. 

There are two (technically three) tragic protagonists in SVSSS and all of them are tragic in different but formulaic ways. Each protagonist has their own version of “hamartia” or a “fatal flaw”. 

Actually, hamartia isn’t necessarily a flaw - rather, it is a thing which makes the audience pity and fear for them, a careful imperfection, a point of weakness in the character’s morality or reasoning that allows for bad things to happen to them. For example, in Oedipus Rex, the king Oedipus has a “fatal flaw” of always wanting to find the truth, but this isn’t exactly a flaw, right? Note: this flaw can be completely unwitting, as we see with Shen Yuan. It can also be something that the protagonist is born with, some kind of trait from birth or very young. 

Shen Yuan

Shen Yuan’s “hamartia” is his rigid adherence to fate and his inability to read a situation as anything but how he thinks it ought to be. He believes that Bingmei will grow into Bingge, and it takes several years, two deaths, and some truly traumatising sex to convince him otherwise. 

Shen Jiu

Shen Jiu’s fatal flaw is his cruelty. It is his own sadistic treatment and abuse of Binghe which directly leads to his eventual dismemberment. This is kind of a no-brainer. Of course, it isn't all that simple, and as an audience we pity him for his cruelty as much as we fear it because we know it comes from his own abuse as a child. This just makes him even more tragic. Delicious. 

Luo Binghe

Luo Binghe’s fatal flaw is a complicated mix of things. It is his position as the “protagonist” which compels him to act in certain ways and be forced to suffer. It is his half-demonic heritage, something entirely out of his control, which sets in motion his tragic reversal of fortune when he gets yeeted into the Abyss. He also, much like Shen Yuan, has the propensity to jump to conclusions and somehow make 2 + 2 = 5. 

As well as having their respective “flaws”, all three protagonists match the rough outline of a good tragic hero in another way: they are in a position of great wealth and power. Even when you split the different characters into different “versions”, this still holds true. Yes, Luo Binghe is raised a commoner by a washerwoman foster mother, but his dad is an emperor and he also ends up becoming an emperor himself. 

Yes, Shen Jiu is an ex-slave and a victim of abuse himself, but Shen Qingqiu is a powerful peak lord with an entire mountain’s worth of resources at his back. 

Shen Yuan is a second generation new money rich kid. 

Bingge is a stereotypical protagonist with a golden finger. Bingmei is a treasured and loved disciple with a good reputation and a privileged seat by his shizun’s side. 

In a tragedy, having this kind of good fortune at the beginning of your story is dangerous. Chaucer says that tragedy is (badly translated into modern english) “a certain story / of him that stood in great prosperity / and falls out of high degree / into misery, and ends up wretchedly”. If we follow this line of thinking, a good tragedy is about someone who has a lot to lose, losing everything because of one fatal point of weakness that they fail to address or understand. 

If we look at Shakespeare, this is what makes King Lear such a fantastic tragic protagonist. He is a king in control of most of England, who from his own lack of wisdom and excess of pride, decides to split his kingdom apart to give to his daughters, favouring his murderous, double crossing progeny, and condemning his only actually filial daughter to death. He loses his kingdom, his mind, and his beloved daughter, all because of his own stupidity.

This brings us to:

Part Two: Peripeteia

This reversal of fortunes is called peripeteia. It is the moment where the entire plot shifts, and the hero’s fortunes go from good to bad. Think of it like one of those magic eye puzzles, where you stare at the image until a 3D shark appears, except you realise the shark was always there, you just couldn't ever see it, waiting for you, hungry, deadly, always lurking just behind that delightful pattern of random blue squiggles. 

Each tragic hero has their own moment of peripeteia in SVSSS, sometimes several:

Shen Qingqiu

In the original PIDW, SQQ’s peripeteia presumably occurs when he finds out that Bingge didn’t perish in the Abyss but has actually been training hard to come and pay him back. There’s really not much I’m interested in saying here - as a villain, OG!SQQ is cut and dry, and the audience doesn’t really feel any pity or fear for him. As Shen Yuan often mentions, what the audience feels when they see OG!SQQ is bloodlust and sick satisfaction. There is also the trial at Huan Hua Palace, which I will talk about in Shen Yuan’s section. 

Shen Yuan (SQQ 2.0)

One of SY’s most poggers moment of peripeteia is the glorious, terrifying section between hearing Binghe for the first time after the Abyss moment, and getting shoved into the Water Prison. 

“Behind him, a low and soft voice came: “Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu’s neck felt stiff as he slowly turned his head. Luo Binghe’s face was the most frightening thing he had ever seen.

The scariest thing about it was that the expression on his face was not cold at all. His smile wasn’t sharp like a knife. Rather, it showed a kind of bone-deep gentleness and amiability.”

This is the moment of true horror for Shen Yuan, because he knows what happens next: the plot unfurls before him, inevitable and painful, and he knows that death awaits him at Luo Binghe's hands (lol). Compare it with the bone deep certainty with which he faces his own downfall during the sham of a trial later in the chapter (I’ve bolded the important part):

“In the original work, Qiu Haitang’s appearance signified only one thing: Shen Qingqiu’s complete fall from grace. [...] Shen Qingqiu’s heart streamed with tears. Great Master… I know you’re doing this for my own good, but I’ll actually suffer if she speaks her words clearly. This truly is the saying “not frightened of doing a shameful deed, just afraid the ghost (consequences) will come knocking”!”

After the peripeteia is usually the denouement where the plot wraps up and the threads are all tied together leaving no loose ends, but because this tragedy isn’t Shen Yuan’s but the former Shen Jiu’s, it’s impossible to finish. 

Shen Yuan cannot provide the meaningful answers that the narrative demands because 1) he doesn’t have any memory of doing anything, and 2) he wasn’t the person who did them. Narratively, he cannot follow the same path as the former SQQ because he lacks the same fatal flaw: cruelty. 

This is why Binghe doesn’t kill him - because he loves him, rather than despises him. And this is why Shen Yuan has to sacrifice himself and die for Luo Binghe in order to save him from Xin Mo: because the narrative demands that denouement follows peripeteia, and SQQ’s fate is in the hands of the narrative. 

(Side note: I believe that this literal death also represents the death of OG!SQQ's tragic arc. The body that committed all those crimes must die to satisfy the narrative. SQQ must die, like burning down a forest, so that new growth can sprout from the ashes. After this, Shen Yuan's story has more room to develop instead.)

It must happen to show Bingmei that SQQ loves him too. And this brings us to Bingmei.

Bingmei

Bingmei has two succinct moments of utter downfall. The first is a literal fall - his flaw, his demonic heritage, leads his beloved shizun to throw him down into the Abyss. From his point of view, SQQ is punishing him simply for the status of his birth. He rapidly goes from being loved and cherished unconditionally, to being the victim of an assassination attempt. 

He realises that he is totally unlovable: that for the crimes of his species that he never had a hand in, he must pay the price as well: that his shizun is so righteous that no matter what love there was between them, if SQQ sees a demon, he will kill it. Even if that demon is Bingmei. 

The second moment is when SQQ dies for him. Again, from his point of view, he was chasing after a man who was struggling to see him as a human being. Shen Qingqiu’s death makes Bingmei realise that he has been completely misunderstanding his shizun: that SQQ would literally die for him, the ultimate act of self sacrifice from love: that SQQ loved him despite his demon heritage. 

Much like King Lear holding the corpse of his daughter and wailing in sheer grief and pain because he did this, he caused this, Bingmei gets to hold his shizun's cold body and cry his eyes out and know that it was his fault. (Kind of.)

(Yes, I’m bringing Shakespeare into this, no I am not justifying myself)

Maybe I'm a bit sadistic, but that scene slaps. Let me show you a comparison of scenes so you get the picture. 

Re-enter KING LEAR, with CORDELIA dead in his arms; EDGAR, Captain, and others following

KING LEAR

Howl, howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stones:

Had I your tongues and eyes, I'ld use them so

That heaven's vault should crack. She's gone for ever!

I know when one is dead, and when one lives;

She's dead as earth. Lend me a looking-glass;

If that her breath will mist or stain the stone,

Why, then she lives.

[...]

 KING LEAR

And my poor fool is hang'd! No, no, no life!

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,

Never, never, never, never, never!

Pray you, undo this button: thank you, sir.

Do you see this? Look on her, look, her lips,

Look there, look there!

Dies

Versus this scene in SVSSS: 

Luo Binghe turned a deaf ear to everything else, greatly agitated and at a loss of what to do. He was still holding Shen Qingqiu’s body, which was rapidly cooling down. It seemed like he wanted to call for him loudly and forcefully shake him awake, yet he didn’t dare to, as if he was afraid of being scolded. He said slowly, “Shizun?”

[...]

Luo Binghe involuntarily held Shen Qingqiu closer.

He said in a small voice, “I was wrong, Shizun, I really… know that I was wrong.

“I… I didn’t want to kill you…”

PAIN. SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL PAIN. Yes, I know Shakespeare isn’t Athenian, but he was inspired by the good old stuff and he also knew how to write a perfect tragedy on his own terms. Anyway. I’ll find more Greek examples later.

This post was a bit all over the place, but I hope it has been fun to read. Part Two will be coming At Some Point, Who Knows When. This is a bit messy and unedited, but hey, I’m not getting paid or graded, so you can eat any typos or errors. Unless you’re here to talk to me about Chinese tragedy, in which case, please pull up a seat, let me get you a drink, make yourself at home.

ps: if you want to retweet this, here is the promo tweet!

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

Ok, But Seriously, I Have Thoughts

I have... really mixed feelings about this episode, so I'm gonna talk about those feelings. And if my feelings about zep as a show and this season come out during that... so be it. (Seriously, this got long. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry). Also spoilers for the new ep below the cut, but y'all should've been able to guess that

- I... Zimon seriously deserves just so much better. We saw them as a couple together for three episodes, and they honestly weren't explored enough. Zimon... and this is a very personal opinion, but they really do strike me as a couple who never fully leave the honeymoon phase... like ever. Like, of course, they'll fight and disagree on a lot of things, but they also can have adult children, and just kind of act like newlyweds even if they've been married for over twenty years. And again, I know that's a very personal opinion, but I mean... we all knew c/arkeman was gonna be endgame, and it just feels like zimon was never given an actual chance.

- However, I do very much appreciate that their breakup was not messy, there's still clearly a ton of respect for the other on both of their sides, and that Simon is okay.

- "We didn't belong together." No, you fucking did.

- I am not going to stop writing Zimon fanfic either. In fact, this might spur me to write more and work harder on writing Zimon fanfic.

- Rose. Fucking. Deserves. Better. I'm not even gonna elaborate on this one. We all know it.

- Despite the fact that I fucking hate c/arkeman and that it was very, very rushed... I'm giving acting and singing props to Jane. I Melt With You is a song that's extremely personal to me. It helped get me through a point in my life where... I was constantly feeling at war with others, myself, and even felt unsafe in my own home (something I still feel today, no matter how irrational I know it is). I just generally feel a strong connection to every version of the song bc of that, whether it's the original or the Bowling for Soup cover (that was in Sky High!), and... Jane just has a way of making me feel safe when she sings. So, I really, really loved her cover.

- Um... yeah, I'm gonna be real, I don't like the idea of Max having powers. I don't know, I just think it kinda changes the whole original concept of the show, and I'm not a big fan of that...

- Simon! Simon working on changing SPRQ Point!!!!

- I do not really like how they handled Simon's racial bias/systemic racism in coding storyline *after* episode six (aka it only really being mentioned in passing, not being further explored, etc.), but,,, credits due where it's due I guess? I like how they handled him going to Danny Michael Davis, and how DMD listened.

- Sidenote, I kinda find it weird we as a fandom don't refer to him as Danny... it's Danny Michael Davis, DMD, or fucking Willy Wonka jokes. Makes sense I guess.

- Um... the writing was just... so lazy. Yeah. It's... really sad, I think that the show would've benefitted from even one less ep. But on the other hand... lazy writing is lazy writing.

- I think it would've been better - honestly - if Zoey's feelings of loss hadn't been connected to Max in a romantic way, but in a platonic/familial way. We didn't see a ton of their friendship, and yeah,, I hate Max, but there are a few moments there where you can see a legitimate friendship that's really sweet. I also think if they had maybe explored Zoey's fear of losing Simon as well as Max and centered the finale more on Zoey telling Simon about her power, it would've just been a lot better.

- But... honestly, after I just aired out all my issues with this episode (and the season too kinda),,, I honestly liked it. I hate that Zimon broke up and I just generally hate cl*arkeman but... this ep had some really great moments. Zoey and Mitch were beautiful to see again. Mctobin, Davidemily, and Mo x Perry were all absolutely my favorite parts of the episode. Hell, I'll even admit I... well I don't wanna say laughed considering I was so close to crying, but I let out a weird, breathy noise resembling a laugh when Zoey just blurted out she and Simon had broken up.

I don't want to say it was a bad episode, because I did honestly, enjoy ~parts~ of it... but... it wasn't even that cl/arkeman happened, I knew it would, but how it did... it just honestly (my g.od i need to stop writing that word) seemed like they were trying to kill off or like... fucking quash *any* hope Zimon shippers may have had,,, and the writing was just so fucking lazy, I just...

I started the show after dance one night because my teacher showed us the Help! number bc he was an extra in it. And I had already been intrigued by the few ads I had seen for it. So, my mom and I watched it, and we loved it. So we kept watching. And it was good! It was really good! Sure it could be cheesy, but... that didn't matter. I latched on...

I don't know if, ZEP is gonna get renewed, and if it is, I don't know if I'll watch it if/when it does. I latch on to shows really fucking hard when I do latch on. It's why I keep rewatching The Good Place and why I'll never forgive Freeform/Disney/Marvel for canceling Cloak and Dagger. The way I latch onto things is probably a bit unhealthy. And the fact of the matter is, despite everything, my overwhelming feelings about ZEP are positive. And I latched on. I'd honestly do it all over again.

I have a lot of feelings about this fandom and this show, both positive and negative. Still, I love it. Unconditionally. Ultimately, I don't care if Zoey ends up with Max or Simon (though, seriously, she and Simon are made for each other). It's a good fucking show, ships shouldn't be everything that matters.

I began lurking in this fandom when I was fifteen. I began posting fanfic for it when I was sixteen. I'm almost seventeen now. I was planning to get Tumblr when I was seventeen. I also knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I hadn't made my presence here known if it didn't get renewed.

I want to thank @simon-haynes because, uh, holy fuck, I adore you. Running a blog for fandom is something I couldn't even fathom, especially when a large portion of the fandom doesn't like your ship. I legitimately can't believe you followed me.

Thank you to @jennakang. You are, honestly, one of the best writers I've ever read from. You were so incredibly supportive of my writing on ao3, despite the fact you didn't know who I was, and that really meant the world to me. Thank you so much for your contributions to the fandom. Also, uh, fun fact, I was the anon who, after you expressed the want to write the quarantined Zimon fic, sent in that ask that was like "please do!" and also "hope I'm not being pushy about this". I don't know if you remember that at all, but your response meant the world to me.

And uh, lastly @myheartissetinmotion. Um, wow. I know we barely know each other, but I can honestly say, you have been my anchor for this whole show. I love both your Tori content on TikTok as well as just zep content you do on there, and how you wrote her into zep on ao3. I personally like to think of you as the pioneer of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist Tok. You were pretty unbiased when it came to ships on there, and that made me feel safe in a place where there were virtually no zimon shippers. Your content was funny, and I always found myself laughing or screaming "accurate" at it. I know, I'm the nuisance who every few months DMs you about something zep related, but I hope you know, you made me feel both seen and somewhat appreciated in this fandom. I cannot thank you enough, Isabella 💗

I know Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist may not be ending. But this still oddly feels like the end of an era. I'm not leaving the fandom, I plan to keep posting fanfic for it and everything. I just want everyone who may be reading this to know I love this fandom and I would not take any moment here back.

Also, this is me formally asking for a link to a Discord group chat since I know it exists but I'm too scared to actually ask any of you for it directly.

[seijorhi]

asks :))

what i have learned today is that y’all wanna get fucked by some monsters...

What does nostos mean? What language is it in? 🤔 also I of course loved it, mind blown as usual queen

it’s ancient greek! it means homecoming, the idea of a triumphant return home for the hero after a long journey. i found it through looking at the root of nostalgia. in this fic of course it’s kind of a grim tongue in cheek play on it. the reader’s coming back to the mountains, but she’s running away after a bad breakup, and the welcome she gets is... shall we say less than ideal haha

Just read nostos-

First of all as a person who reads monster shit- hell ya. Mhm. That’s some good shit right there. That was DELICIOUS horror. It actually had me a bit nervous and afraid to read what was gonna happen next 😳

Secondly- omg I wanna know what happened next (at the end) 👀 know what I mean??? 😼

ANYWAY AS ALWAYS you never disappoint and your writing is fantastic (if/when you write horror yandere stuff again I’ll be there- frothing at the mouth. A+++++ work ILY💖)

you want me to write the monster porn, just say it bby ghfjdkshgfjkd but ty

Omfg that fic was so good!

Did the readers mom know about monster kuroo?? Or was she just worried because of the previous murder? And did Kuroo somehow manipulate reader into coming back to the forest or was it just a big coincidence? (👁👄👁 there's no such thing as a coincidence)

Looking forward to your future work <3

ty nonnie!! i didn’t have the right space for it, but after kohsuke was ripped apart and eaten kuroo stayed by the reader’s side until late in the night, only disappearing when he heard the reader’s parents/search party approaching. they found her lying in pools of blood (and scattered half eaten body parts), shaking and unresponsive – they knew no animal could’ve done something like that. so they knew something lurked in those woods, but considering the reader had repressed the memories, her mom couldn’t just come out and say it <33

You are an AMAZING horror writer!!!

The uneasiness I got from the conversations with the mom is just *chefs kiss*

A+++++

ahh thank you!! horror is such a hard genre to write because i’m never sure if the suspense and everything’s gonna hit right haha

I read Nostos before going to sleep last night and at the time I was like “sure hope this doesn’t give me nightmares” and thankfully it didn’t lol. But I think I’m willing to take that chance again because it’s so GOOD and I think I’m just going to have to relive it – @ohno-otome

fhdjgbfhjkdfn i’m glad it didn’t give you nightmares bby!! but i also appreciate that haha, i’m an absolute wimp with scary movies and stuff but i just can’t stop watching them haha

I just wanna say that I was listening to "You're a psychotic villain playlist" on youtube while reading Kuroo's oneshot and I can't explain the emotions I felt, but I'd let Kuroo do things to me asdfghjkl – @itishebihime-samaforyou

ooh nice! sometimes the right playlist makes things doubly as fun haha

OH MY GOD!?!?! Nostos was soooo GOOD?!?!? Like it was so creepy (but in a good way), and scary and suspenseful!! And the ending!?!? Omggg honestly one my fav fics from you!! You did my mans Kuroo justice 🥺💖💕

TYYYYYYY i was genuinely concerned i was gonna scare everybody off haha

Ah! The new fic! Chiefs kiss! Magnificent! Bravo!🧚‍♀️✨🧞‍♀️🦖🦭🌹💫

tysm nonnie!!! <33

i’m pretty sure i’m in the same/similar timezone as you? and i do be staying up late to be one of the first to read your fics (i usually stay up late anyways). so imagine my surprise when i see you post in the afternoon. in conclusion, whether you post to align with your european and american readers’ timezone, my gmt+10 arse will still be one of the first to read your fics. also nostos sjdufigyyjf i have to admit, i recently just found out about monster fucking and nostos scratched the itch😫 i feel bad for kohsuke though

bby i always post at like 2-4 in the morning please get some sleep!! the fics will be there in the morning lmao. i kinda low key forget about my aussie/gmt+10 followers because i think there’s like... 3 of you haha

Honestly if i could give u a dollar everytime i got off to your fics, you'd probably be rich by now

lmao the idea that people find my fics hot enough to get off to still blows my mind lol

your newest kuroo fic was so SO good!! its totally okay if you dont want to answer this so you can keep things ambiguous but is monster kuroo planning on killing the reader after he's...done with them

thank you, bby!! but no, monster kuroo isn’t gonna eat her – he’s had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted, but he has other plans for the poor reader

RHI, I WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM OKAY WITH MORE MONSTER FUCKING IN THE FUTURE. i also want to say im not a monster fucker, but that just feels like a lie at this point. okay, now that that's off my chest, i love it. the mystery, the connections of kuroo to a cat. kuroo's probably gonna go and batter around his prey once they're under his grip like my cat does. hopefully the reader will come out somewhat unscathed, if they are ever allowed to leave 😌 love this, love how different it is, the way kuroo just tries to weasel in. very monster and yandere vibes, very you. have i said i love this yet?? id willingly let him get me drunk on his cock, maybe never leave the peace of the mountains again

‘i want to say that i’m not a monster fucker’ bby the denial will get you nowhere haha. just lean in and embrace it hgfjkdlkfgjnkdl ahh but thank you this is such a sweet ask ILY!!!

Omg omg the monster thing kuroo was in ur latest fic is so familiar to me abdhdmfnjfjf. I remember being told abt a monster with VERY SIMILAR characteristics to it (aka the not being able to go inside a house unless invited and using fire to lure ppl out) AND JFC IT TERRIFIED ME. Esp how when i told ppl around me and they didnt recognize what it was, but it was somehow known to the kid that told me abt it.

(Some ppl thought it was familiar but still didnt know what it was)

Do u know what im talking abt? Hopefully u do

-🥚

GHFJDK so the monster in this is kind of based off the nekomata spirit in japanese folklore - they can appear like people, torment victims by reanimating the corpses of their loved ones, they’ve been blamed for forest fires, so it was just fun to use that as a basis and then go buck wild haha. anyway thanks for the ask bby!

Rest In Peace Kohsuke, you would’ve loved Haikyuu season 5😔✊– @joyvstheworld

poor kohsuke deserved better, i’m just mean to the oc’s i throw into fics haha

Monsterfucking ❤❤❤❤❤❤ a little annoyed you're making me simp for yan Kuroo though (a vibe tho tbh). You're so extremely talented!!!! &

This is probably a stupid question, but how did Kageyama react when he couldn't find y/n? How is life with yan Suga? I imagine probably awful BUT yknow maybe the stockholm syndrome set in fast lmao. Sorry, I'm going on a binge reading your stuff. - @oracleofdin

i will not apologise for making you simp for kuroo he deserves it the man’s a snacc. and as far as your second question, suga’s a very caring, very smothering kinda yandere, so i guess in some ways it’s better than what the reader had with kageyama but... pick your poison haha

That was so good. I’m so shook rn I can’t comprehend anything but how good that was and how good a writer you are

TYSM NONNIE!!! <33

Ok, so, I just read Final Girl and the lil' ticket addition to it and just---

Well, ok I've been playing Dead by Daylight a lot lately? And I'm just picturing Tetsu as the newest killer "The Trickster" and I'm positively RANDY.

Your writing is ALREADY thirst inducing and just as satisfying, but this has SENT ME- If you're not familiar, please...

https://youtu.be/iowkiPobYYQ

Understand my thirst. (I'd also like to clarify, I use a different skin for him that gives him black hair and he looks like Kuroo with an undercut.)

~ @the-casual-hedonist 🌸

i love how feral y’all got for final girl kuroo. like bo and akaashi had his fans, but i put a spiked bat in kuroo’s hands and y’all lost your goddamn minds and i love to see it. fghdjkvhfjdkls thanks for the ask bby

idk why but I love preggo reader as long as I don't pretend it's me 😢✋ I hate babies n pregnancy anywhere else other than horny haikyuu fics

i think that’s a valid thing for a lot of fans. the idea of breeding is sexy, the actual getting pregnant and having a kid thing... not so much. but especially with non-con scenario’s, it’s more about the aspect on control than the actual desire to have kids. but yeah, i feel you

Sorry to bother but uh was just wondering in fracture did Osamu kill his wife or was it actually an “unfortunate event” ? Love your work btw!!

he most certainly did :))

LMFAO RHI i totally get not liking cheating/infidelity fics (towards reader) bc IT HIRTS ME SO BAD I CANNOT HANDLE THOSE.

id be reading fics those fics like: tf you mean my yandere aimt gonna baby me and only want me??🤨🤨🤨⁉️‼️

EXACTLY! listen i get that it’s a fucked up fantasy, but in my fucked up fantasy you damn well better have the decency to be loyal smh

Finders keepers is the most beautiful thing I've read by you: I read it twice like I normally do and here's what I figured out the second time (that's when I analyze it and find the little tidbits of things that are much darker than they appear (: )

To start I LOVE THE DETAILS OF THEM NEVER TEACHING READER ANYTHING- at first I assumed "oh they might see her as a little sister or child or something" but realized thAT WAS THE ISSUE!! they infantilize her and isolate her from everyone but her group. the small details like that are what make the story amazing 😎💅

ahh thank you so much, nonnie!! pls this is making me soft 🥺

I just wanted to stop by and say that I love your writing and I hope you're doing well!!! Drink plenty of water and keep up the amazing work :) but seriously you're one of the best fanfic writers I've seen on tumblr! I read your "Imitation" piece about kuroo and i keep coming back to it, it's so good! I did want to ask if you think it'd be possible for the reader to ever escape with the baby (or at least attempt to). Or if Kenma would "help" at all just to put an end to kuroo's antics lmao

kenma would in no way help the reader, and tbh by that point if kuroo did get her pregnant, she’d be far too emotionally dependant on him to actually even want to leave, but thanks for the ask!

You know who I think would be a perfect Yandere in the JJK world? Choso.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

After being locked in a glass jar for however long he was, and all that happened with his brothers, I feel like he would absolutely never let his darling out of his sight. He would be possessive. Obsessive. And Oh So delusional. Sure he’d be your anything - he truly is a softy - but to what end?🤤

choso would make an excellent yandere, ngl 😌

what au/troupe of your fav character(s) that you have written do you like the most?

(rlly hope this makes sense🙏)

i am always a slut for soulmate au’s :))

[slytherflynn]

Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

[cellsshapedlikestars]

honestly just some personal jonsa feelings, feel free to ignore

so I’m pretty in my feelings lately, feel free to scroll right past this cause it’s gonna just be me being a sap about the jonsa community for a while.

Ok, so one year ago I went onto a new bc that really fucked with my hormones. You know how they say to give it three months to even out? Well month one was fine, but month two really went off the rails. And it was during Thanksgiving break that I holed myself up in my house because I was too anxious to leave for my entire five day vacation (I had plans, I cancelled them all). My whole personality seemed like it changed - I didn’t enjoy doing anything I normally enjoyed and I was miserable. And so I thought, huh, maybe I’ll read some fanfic, it’s been years, but I used to love reading & writing it. I remember back in the day, when I was depressed, it helped me.

And so I thought about which fandom to read. My old fandoms were dead or I had no interest in them anymore. The only thing I was still massively obsessed with was GOT. During the course of the show, I listened to multiple podcasts about it, read theories, talked about it at length with my friends who watched it, hosted elaborate watch parties, but I never really got super involved in the fandom online. And it wasn’t a show I ever shipped anyone on until we got to s6 and Jonsa hit me over the head and I went through the rest of the show going ‘wow I hope those two kids bang at some point and get to be happy together’. Obvi they didn’t.

So last year, Thanksgiving break, I spent five full days doing nothing but being anxious and reading Jonsa fics. Many, many Jonsa fics. There’s a part of me that wants to shout out the ones I remember, the ones that truly captivated me, but I know I’ll forget some people and I don’t want to make a half assed list and leave someone off. But just know - it helped me. They all helped me.

My meds eventually evened out, but I didn’t stop reading. 

Then covid hit. My state locked down pretty quickly and by the end of March, I was working full time at home. I live by myself and, having lived with various people in the past, it’s what works best for me. I’m an introvert, I handled quarantine better than most. But by July, especially when my state reopened and I had to go back into my office part time where 90% of the people don’t believe in masks or that covid even exists, my anxiety and depression was at an all time high.

I’ve always written stories in my head. As previously stated, I wrote fanfic for other fandoms, but at some point I succumbed to the idea that I had to ‘grow up’ and stop enjoying things??? why do we do this to ourselves??? In July I was so wound tight with anxiety that I decided to just write out the stories in my head because it used to help me. For a week I did nothing but sit with my laptop and write and write and cry and write until I had 40k of a story and I stared at it for another few days debating if I should post it or not.

because that’s the thing. I’d been lurking for months and months and crossing that line, creating an account on ao3, posting my shit, opening myself up to criticism and reviews, it wasn’t something I did on a whim. I obsessed about it until finally just doing it. And I’m so glad I did.

It’s been about four/five months since my first post and I can’t tell you how happy I am that I de-lurked. I started using my old tumblr again (after abandoning it like I had writing/reading fanfic). This community has been so welcoming and supportive and like I just really want to say thank you. To the people here on tumblr who interact with me (even though my anxiety brain is always like ‘don’t be annoying, leave people alone’), to people who review, & kudos my stories. Even to people who just read them, who lurk like I used to.

I fucking hate being sappy IRL and now that I look at how much I’ve typed I kinda want to just delete it all but I’m gonna post it. And then probably delete it later

[bre-meister]

Spiders

Thank you @over-under-through1 for the prompts!

Butch’s class had run late and for an already unusually late class to run late meant that by the time he turned his car onto his street it was already late enough that most houses were dark. An errant light could be seen behind closed curtains here and there - some even turning off as Butch drove by as if reading his mind that it was just utterly too late to be lurking about in or outside the house.

Pulling into the driveway of the small two-bedroom house he shared with his girlfriend, Butch contemplated whether he should risk opening the garage and pulling in or just leave the car outside tonight. He knew that Buttercup tended to complain that on late nights like these the sound of the garage door rattling as it opened was enough to wake a normal person let alone someone with super hearing. He could see lights flashing intermittently through the front window and assumed that Buttercup had been watching t.v on the couch trying to wait up for him. She might not be asleep but it was more likely than not - it wouldn’t be the first time she’d fallen asleep in front of the television. Butch was tired and already annoyed at being forced to be out so late because his professor’s tangents went on tangents. He wasn’t quite sure he had the patience to deal with a sleepy, pissed off Buttercup Utonium at the moment, so he turned the car off.

 Stepping out and closing the heavy door as quietly as he could, he made his way to the front door. He tried to keep his keys from clanging around too much while still trying to unlock the door. Butch expected the house to be quiet. Maybe he’d pick up on BC’s soft snores - she insisted she didn’t snore but Butch found it endearing if not a little cute - or the sounds of some random show playing from what he’d thought was the t.v. What he was not expecting, not in the slightest, were the multiple holes and char marks on the wall. 

A loud commotion in the living room caught his attention and he went into defense mode, floating above the floor to avoid making any sound. If there was an intruder - although anyone would be stupid to try to break into a Ruff or a Puff’s house - he didn’t want to alert them anymore to his presence than he already had when he opened and closed the door.

Turning the corner from the entry hallway into the main room he was shocked to see Buttercup floating above the couch, lasers firing from her eyes every few seconds.

Well, he thought, that explains the lights through the window.

“Buttercup,” he whispered. When she didn’t acknowledge his presence he repeated her name a bit louder, “Buttercup!” A bit louder turned into yelling to be heard over her war cries.

She paused and looked at him quickly before turning back to whatever she had been doing before. Without his powers aiding him in tracking her motions, he probably wouldn’t have realized she’d even acknowledged him at all. He might have been tracking her motions, but it seemed that she was tracking the movement of something else.

A quick scan of the room told him that there was no one else there but her and him.

“Buttercup,” he sounded exasperated, annoyed, confused, but also curious at the same time, “what the fuck are you doing?”

“Well,” she started to explain but her eyes were still looking around rapidly, “ I was in the kitchen because I had cooked and I wanted to leave you some food out for when you got back and I was cleaning up and then I came out here to sit on the couch and wait up but then I saw a spider and I almost had it until you distracted me and now I don’t know where it is!” her rambling had turned frantic by the end.

It Butch’s brain, tired as it was, a moment to catch up to what she had said.

“I - a spider?” Butch was dumbfounded. He knew that his girlfriend had a fear of the eight legged creatures but he never thought it would express itself in the physical act of putting holes in the wall.

“Yes a - “ something moved out of the corner of his eye and Buttercup squealed - a most dignified squeal that definitely did not sound like Bubbles thank you very much - “SPIDER, YOU GET THAT SIDE OF THE ROOM IT CAN'T RUN FROM BOTH OF US!”

Somehow, the spider was managing to evade her erratic eye beams so Buttercup changed her tactic. Another beam shot out turning those beautiful jade eyes a menacing red. Unlike its predecessors, this was not a quick, contained blast but one continuous beam. The lasers followed the spider who was, somehow, still managing to outrun the blast. Butch realized that Buttercup was either going to fry the spider or burn the house down trying. Butch rather liked their little start-up and would rather keep the damage to a minimum so he decided to step in.

“Buttercup stop! Calm down!”

The beam continued - she wasn’t listening. Thinking quickly Butch flew up behind her and covered her eyes with his hands, effectively blocking the beams. His palms burned from the intensity of the lasers. His hands being so close to the source didn’t help either. Briefly, Butch considered that he hadn’t completely thought this plan through. In the end though, it was better his X enhanced skin took the brunt of the attack rather than the already scorched walls. They wouldn’t have held up much longer from the looks of it.

“What the fuck, it’ll get away!”

“No, it won’t. It’s just sitting on the wall or, well, what’s left of it.” The last half of the sentence was mumbled but with their superpowers he was more than certain she had heard him.

“Just let me handle it ok? I’d rather not have to sleep in the cold because you burned our house down trying to get rid of a spider.”

“Whatever, just make sure it’s gone! And I mean gone. None of that, taking git outside shit just so it can come back later!I don’t want to see another spider in here ever again!”

If Butch were less mature like he’d been in his youth, he would have laughed at her for the way her tone wobbled. She was clearly shaken up by the idea of the things she feared - and that list was very small - invading her home, her safe space. But this Butch, the one who had grown and matured recognized that teasing would only cause her to clam up and when it came to Buttercup and fear, her bottling it up never boded well for the future.

So, Butch simply slung his backpack around his shoulder and opened the bag. As he made his way closer to the arachnid he pulled out one of his textbooks. Crouching down, so he was level with the spider, Butch took a moment to address it,

“Sorry little guy. I hate to do this but,” he shrugged, “the missus had spoken.” 

Standing up, Butch swung quickly using the hard textbook to end their little spider problem. He collected a tissue from another pocket in his backpack to wrap up the squashed spider.

Walking into the kitchen he saw Buttercup by the stove. The microwave was going behind her and she fidgeted as Butch leaned around her to deposit the tissue in the trashcan.

“Is it… is it over?” She asked quietly.

Butch couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped as he answered,

“Yes, Sunshine. It’s over.” he moved in closer, hands rising to grab her hips when suddenly she was on the other side of the kitchen. 

“Uh uh. Wash your hands first!”

Butch raised his hands in front of him as he moved towards the sink. He made a show of washing and drying his hands. When he was done, he held them out in front of him, eyebrow raising,

“Good?”

“I suppose,” she hummed.

Butch spread held his arms out further and just as quickly as she’d dogged him earlier, she was in his arms. Her own wrapped around his neck as he placed his on her waist.

“Thank you. I know it’s kind of stupid but -”

“No,” he interrupted softly, “the way you feel, your fears? They’re never stupid. Not to me. I’ll gladly slay a spider for you anyday, butterfly. Especially if it means keeping the house from falling down.”

“I am sorry about that.” Buttercup looked over her shoulder at the decimated wall that used to separate the kitchen from the living room.

“Well, look on the bright side.” She said after a moment.

“And that would be?” Butch was genuinely curious as to what she was about to come up with.

“I mean, it wasn’t a load bearing wall,” she turned back to him and shrugged her shoulders, “ Now we have that open floor plan I’ve been saying I wanted.” Buttercup smiled playfully.

The laugh that escaped Butch’s moth was sudden and loud. If the neighbors hadn’t awoken by all the lasers and shouting they certainly would by the loud laughter at such a late hour.

Butch’s stomach growled reminding him that it was late and he hadn’t eaten since early afternoon. Buttercup’s light laughs joined him at the sound. Butch ignored his hunger. Instead, he leaned down to plant a soft kiss on Buttercup’s lips.

The two separated once the microwave beeped, signaling it was done heating up whatever was inside it.

“Common Mr. Hero. I put your plate in the microwave. Eat so we can go to bed. I’m tired and it’s late.”

Butch preened at the nickname knowing that it was only half a joke. Reluctantly he let her go sso she could get his food out of the microwave. He moved to the fridge to get them drinks before returning to the table where Buttercup now sat, a plate of hot food in front of his usual seat. Butch couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face.

They talked as he ate. She told him about her day and he did the same. As she launched into a story about some of the characters, as she called them, that visited her bakery - a small start up but Butch just knew that, with Buttercup’s talent, it would take off - Butch couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t mind the late nights as long as he got to spend them with her.

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

AU Raffle: Cryptid AU!

[COMPLETE]

The result of the random selection was the Cryptid AU! Multiple people suggested this, so I'm looking forward to hearing all the ideas and extensions you guys will come up with. This will be a masterpost collecting them all, and it will be pinned for the duration of the AU.

Original suggestion: "For the Raffle. Cryptid AU. None of the Hermits are truly human and they all are really powerful cryptids that are hiding their true nature. The catch! Every Hermit thinks the other Hermits are totally normal and they are the only cryptid one. Hilarity ensures with everyone trying to explain the extrange things that keep happening "

Some ideas I came up with:

- every Hermit is a cryptid or monster of some kind, except for Grian, who is fully human and completely clueless about everything that's going on (suggested by a previous ask)

- Team ZIT is an investigation group trying to prove the existence of cryptids, but each one of them is subtly trying to sabotage the investigation to hide their own cryptid-ness. None of the three know the other two are also cryptids. Hilarity ensues.

- Xisuma probably knows what's going on with everyone, but he's not saying anything

- Mumbo is doing an absolutely horrible job of hiding that he's a cryptid, but somehow people still don't notice. Iskall is probably the closest to figuring it out.

- VintageBeef has already figured out that Keralis isn't human, but Keralis is bribing him to keep quiet

I hope that's enough to get the ball rolling! Send in your ideas using asks, and I'll put them down here!

If you need ideas about which cryptid would fit best with which Hermit, this list may be helpful.

Anonymous Additions:

- I feel like xisuma should be some kind of shapeshifter

- cleo was brought back to life by a family that loved her very much- or at least, that was what they tried to do. in reality, they brought a completely new soul back in the body of a deceased relative. cleo felt uncomfortable around people who thought she was a different person than she was, so she ran away and eventually befriended the hermits bc she just felt ~drawn to them~. she disguises her bloodless skin and lack of body heat with thick clothes and lots of makeup

- Cleo, of course, is a zombie, but she also has ties to Cthulu that she doesn't really try to hide, but that people overlook all the time. I'm just saying, an avatar of an eldritch being having to be a zombie kinda makes sense...

- Cthulu needed a body, and this kind family was nice enough to supply one! It was kinda their fault really, praying to ancient gods and making deals without reading the fine print. Cleo might feel guilty, but it wasn't on her, not really

- cryptid au: joe isn't a human, but a changeling: a shapeshifting, nonhuman entity that evolved to invade human families like a cuckoo. he has the ability to bend light to make illusions, but he normally just uses his powers to make himself appear human. however he does like to make all lime green things he sees invisible, for the lulz

- What about mumbo being a vampire, it just introduces the idea of so many odd behaviors that the others are just oblivious to

- What if ren is a werewolf(I know it isn't original) and he just thinks of the other hermits as his pack and is therefor very protective of them

- Obligatory Ren is a Werewolf for the Cryptid AU. He is acts like a gigant puppy when he is in wolf form. Nobody questions why sometimes they found a gigant wolf trying to play fetch with them. But nobody is complaining. Everyone talks about it and Ren is just upset because the gigant pupper has never come to see him. Surprise!! Not even Ren knows he is a werewolf

- idk if your still doing cryptid stuff because i don't really know how this works but,, what if everyone thinks that Grian Is Something when he's not. They keep trying to figure it out by asking him weird questions or trying to get him to do weird stuff, but he still stays completely oblivious. And then since Xisuma knows what everyone is, he thinks it's hilarious trying to watch everyone try to find something that isn't there.

- Cryptid au: Doc has made it obvious that he is a cryptid like, he explains it so obviously even an idiot would tell that he's one, But no one has figured out yet. So after the 15th time of explaining things he decides to present how he's a cryptid, by making a goatess.

- For the au, I have 2 ideas for grian, either he is very outspoken about not believing in the super natural, or he very much does believe in the supernatural, either way he unknowingly befriends multiple cryptids and is very confused

- Cryptic AU: Tango has fire for hair, and no ones really questioned as to why?

- What if false was a siren, just because it seems like an interesting idea (my addition: Wels would also make a great siren)

- Stress seems like the type to be an elf, graceful and cheerful, and of course admiring nature's beauty

- What if Impulse was mothman, I like this idea because of the whole team zit being paranormal investigators and they just go looking for mothman on one trip, and Impulse is just standing there probably feeling a bit awkward

- If Impulse is Mothman and he can fly and Tango is like a fire demon that controls fire, is only fair that Zed is an aquatic Cryptid. Maybe related to a lake monster or he is a Sea Serpent

- Yeti Iskall getting used to the hot environment of the Jungle??? Maybe?

- i have no clue how this works but etho is related to ningen in a way (Antarctic sea creatures from Japanese folklore)

- Joe's poems seem to stick in your head, echoing around for hours after you hear them, ringing between your ears. Their subjects vary, but they often seem eerily prophetic, warnings encased in rhythm and rhyme. Sometimes you swear you can hear the soft scritch of a pen on paper, before you realize you are the only one around.

- Wait how the hell would jevin hide that fact he's a slime? Better yet how do the other hermits not put to and to together? Through I think jevin probably wouldn't even bother trying to hide it, I mean he's a huge blob of slime how would you not be able to tell

(my response, summarized) Jevin inhabits a body of slime because that's the easiest way to hide his true form. "Jevin" is a non-physical entity that can possess other lifeforms by destroying their will. He chose a slime this time because it was easy and inconspicuous.)

- Cryptid au: Team ZIT have a headquarters and they all pitched in to commission Etho to make their door bell chime, the ghost busters theme, and afterward interrogated Etho to the ground.

- Doc is not a creeper with cyborneticts. Doc is the AI that came with the cyborneticts and over-wrote the conciousness of the creeper. Figured that making Doc something else would be too dificult so maybe subverting what he is with what we got alredy is enough (like you did with Jevin)

- I am putting this here for vampire mumbo in the au because the thought will not leave my head. It's dark, and mumbo's eyes seem to reflect light very well, his canine teeth seem just a bit too long and sharp, they seem to be stained red,was he always this tall? Something about him seems off, he seems very elegant in this darkness.

- cryptid au: when joe was young, he was ignored so much that he turned invisible. you can still see his shadow but you could look directly at him and not see him there with the best tools. he disguises himself by staying quiet, using text to communicate with the other hermits or by covering himself with clothes and masks so nobody would be able to see his body even if he wasnt invisible.

- For the au I think that Iskall could be a dryad because of his base this season

- Imagine if you will: Tango leaves town for a bit so the team ZIT can't do their "investigations". Impulse gets bored and decided to pretend to kidnap Zedaph in mothman-form. When Tango returns, Zedaph tells him how he almost was kidnapped by Mothman (and is over-exaggerating on every detail)

- What if in the au there is a situation where team zit is in some sort of danger, and so each of them just independently decide that they have to reveal the fact of their cryptid selves, and they just collectivly think,"huh. Okay." And after they are safe, they just talk about it as a group

- Beef is big foot.

- Biffa looks like a robot or cyborg, which one? He won't say. Maybe its because its neither, maybe he's just a walking body with a mind, maybe he's just a suit of armor roaming the world, maybe a spirit or ghost from the past, maybe a mob whose inhabited and pilots the body, maybe he's just Biffa. Only he knows, but he won't say

- Cryptid AU: I’m just imagining zedaph or tango throwing a bell at grian in an attempt to “capture” him under the suspicion that he’s part fae or something at a server meeting

- About Cryptid!Wels, sometimes, when the night is dark and the world is silent, you'll hear it; a soft voice in the darkness. You can't help but listen to it as you get lost in the song, swaying to the melody as your foot moves to the beat. The song gets louder and your feet are more frantic as they seem to take you somewhere. Suddenly, the voice stops singing and so you stop moving, and when you open your eyes you find yourself on the edge of the cliff overlooking the ocean. The siren lurks near

- Doc isnt a Creeper with cybrog parts but a robot made to look like a creeper, that arm and eye? yea just exposed parts from years of just not caring enough. He's waiting to see when someone will call him out on it. So far, only TFC and X but they like to watch how long this will go. Doc isnt even hiding anymore, he loves to mess with Grian by making remarks that imply he's a robot but Grian just can't figure it out

- tbh I love the idea of Joe as a regular human who just acts super cryptic and strange, and has a bit of skill at poetry. others try and figure out what he is, and he's just vibing in a corner, the last one anyone would expect to be the sole normal person on the server

- Cryptid AU. Joe and Cleo as the ‘One Bagel. No!! Two bagels!’ Vine. Joe being the one that asked and Cleo ignoring Cthulhu

- Joe starts sharing different ideas of what he could be, and only Cleo knows (mostly... she's the closest at least). Joe's mystery is a Hermitcraft classic, greeting every hermit except X, who still only has what Joe's told him to go on. He delights in the chaos he causes

- Scar is a poltergeist, he hides it well. One time Grian caught him using his powers, after scar fessed up, in private, they both bring some amount of chaos to the server, but not to much so the ZIT crypt hunters, name in progress, don't know about the chaos, thus not puting the duo in danger.

- Mumbo might be a vampire, but it isn’t for blood (at least, not anymore). Only Grian has come close to figuring it out, and it’s due to seeing how refreshed and satisfied his friend looks after being around 2+ groups of people. If only he would just straight up and ask. - 🦊

- Rather last minute but do you have any ideas of how Evil Xisuma could fit into this? Would he be a shapeshifter as well. A copy of X's true form? A demon haunting Xisuma? Just X's pesky brother? There's a handful of ideas I can't personally decide what would fit best. Maybe none of them at all, who know?

Cryptid Au. Xisuma shapeshifts for fun. Thats how we get Turtle!Xisuma, Beesuma and Stridersuma. All hermits just assume X changes his suit because they have never seen his face so there is no way for them to know he shifts. Also clasic headcanon that TFC is Herobrine and he is just laying low in Hermitcraft after years of going around worlds. Everyone knows the legend about Herobrine but have not connected the dots yet because TFC is just everyone’s grandpa. No way he could be Herobrine.

- @/ivi-prism

- While most might assume that Grian would be a harpy, its actully Scar. He's incredibly flexable in Human form, hes able to manuver his foot behind his head, and moret than once has Cub walked in on Scar with a living fish in his mouth. He never questioned it because "Hey, Vex magics weird."

- Imagine- sytyr Zedaph and Fae Impulse walking in on Willowwisp Tango who,because willowwisps are typically tiny, shrunk in response to panic and is now stuck in a caldron. I think that be hilarious. Just the idea of impulse going-"YOUR A CRYPTID?" while Zed just "WAIT I KNEW I DIDNT BURN THOSE PAPERS!" Which leads into a discussion of ZIT internal sabotage, and suddenly ZIT invesigation changes direction from "Are cryptids real" to "Is anyone else a Cryptid cause this cannot be a Coincidence"

- @/crypticalwitch

- Cryptic AU: Tango can also control his hair, to an extent. He can slick it back, but it still looks like burning embers. It's a bit mesmerizing

- Cryptid AU: Cub was a normal guy, maybe with some weirder interests, before the Vex. "Playing" with their magic too much is what made him a cryptid. So maybe he understands that the other hermits aren't exactly "human". But it isn't his business, and it means they don't question what the Vex get him into, so he just doesn't say anything about it

- Cryptic AU: Team ZIT's strongest evidence for Grian is the fact he's a master with an elytra, especially since he first said he "might use it a little bit" for long journeys. He's flown into a dark hole in a dark wall that's barely big enough to fit him multiple times, with ease, among other risky stunts that would get other hermits killed. The fact there's not much else to go on, besides his pranking zeal only matched by Zed himself, drives them up the wall

- Cryptic AU: when you stay out too long at night, you might start to feel watched. You'll turn around and nobody is there, but still you feel eyes on your back, and the breeze always seems hot and brushes your neck like too-close breathing and a hand. Finally, you catch it: a familiar figure that stands too stiffly, always just too far away to name. Then it vanishes with an airy shriek, and phantoms descend from the stars. Bdubs did always say the worst things happen in the night.

- Cryptic AU: Impulse's smiles are just a little too big. If you look at one too long, you feel as though it's stretching wider and wider, the cheery shine in his eyes twisting into a hungry gleam, but then you blink and he's back to normal ol Impulse and you question if you really saw anything. That time you saw his smile glinting in the darkness just beyond your bed must've been a nightmare. Your imagination.

- Cryptic AU: Don't look into his eyes. Look in, and you will see the universes. Billions of stars, trillions of futures, all impossibly swirling together, hauntingly beautiful. You'll fall down, down, down through the glittering spirals, until with a breathtaking snap you're on your knees, on solid ground. You're lucky he doesn't want to keep you, like others might. The lives and worlds you glimpsed will echo through your mind, weave through your dreams. Do not fear. Do not look into his eyes.

- The mountain is his territory. If you enter it unbidden, he will ensure you leave, lucky to keep your life. His contraptions are nonsense, seeming to serve no purpose other than to confuse. They distract from how the air crackles on your skin, how it tastes of storms and thunder. They distract how, from the corner of your eye, Zedaph's limbs are too long, fingers with too many knuckles and legs with too many knees. All angles and bones, like his designs. Do not look too closely at his garden.

- Everyone learned not to ask about him. Mostly because in trying to form the question, you'll find the words slipping from your mind. So Tango's hair burns, his eyes are red cherries. In the darkness he glows, the embers of a forgotten fire. His skin is always hot, almost feverish, yet he isnt sick. If he gets too close to lava, the illusion fades, reveals the magma that forms his skin. Illusion? No, that was just a burn. He relishes the smoke and rubble of explosions. Control. Always controlled.

- xB doesn't mind being away from the other hermits. It's quiet there; far enough away that most aren't bothered to prank him. He doesn't like surprises. Surprises get people hurt. Gets his friends hurt. His guardians appreciate the still predictability. The calm. Yes, he prefers to sit back, quiet, and watch. If he looks too long, bad things happen. So he observes it all, never focusing too much on one detail, never letting them go unseen. It prevents surprises.

- Because that last one wasn't all that clear, xB is a guardian-based cryptid! While nothing seems inhuman about him at a glance, he has a close affinity to water, and when threatened the spines he hides with his clothes will stick out. (Guardians only spawn in water, but they actually don't suffocate in air! Though their desperate flopping is a sad sight to behold) Plus, laser-eyes

- Xisuma wasn't always able to change his form as easily or drastically as he can now. But by now, he's forgotten his own face. Now, he'll feel his skin, his body begin to itch with the need to change. He's glad the hermits don't seem to care when he does. Keralis's mimicry was a surprise, but a welcome one. He feels less alone. Loneliness is how he would lose himself. He's scared of that possibility.

- When he sleeps, he walks through the minds of those whose eyes met his, as if it were his own dream. He'll hear their thoughts as if they were his own. He doesn't like this. It feels like an invasion. He feels like a parasite, and maybe he is. Whoever he dreamed through last, they seem exhausted and jumpy after, while he feels energized, near invincible. It's through this ability he knows their deepest secrets, but they aren't his to tell. Sometimes, he wishes he could understand. (Xisuma pt 2)

- Cryptid AU: another reason that Grian cant possibly be a human is his clothes. Just. How does he have something for every occasion. He even has a janitor one? Why did he have that? This "man" doesn't own a single closet yet has at least 20 different costumes-- not to mention you blink and he's changed! Wh- he had a REAPER costume for himself AND SCAR???

- @/basaltdragon

- Cryptid AU: Grian used to be against cryptids because of Sam (YHS) and his bunny attributes, but has since accepted the fact Sam was just a bad apple, and cryptids as a whole are neutral/good.

- Your heart, it beats, like redstone ticking away within you. He knows redstone through and through... so why not you too? Every pulse sent though the machine of your body is one more reason for him to reverse engineer you. But he restrains, takes a step back, as these machines could never be put back together.

- He's been here since the beginning; not of Hermitcraft, but everything. Watching as the game evolved over the years... He smiles at the thought. His hair now matching his eyes - like harsh reflective snow - he recalls these memories fondly. As his eyes fade to their piercing blue, he sighs, for this is home.

- When any of the other Hermits (at least the ones with blood) get injured, Mumbo has to step away. The need for their blood, their lifeforce, is too overwhelming.

- @/12u3ie

- Cryptid AU: with the team ZIT headquarters I thought of something similar to the TEA headquarters from season 3. Probably more confusing, colourful and chock full of even more excessive redstone doors. Why not add another elevator? Where's the coffee machine? Maybe the next room over? Was that corridor there before? I don't know. What's the use of that room? What's behind that door? What's behind you?

- Cryptid AU: with the whole burning hair thing on Tango, another explanation for why no one questions it. That's just Hermitcraft, people just assume he either royally messed up a redstone machine, or succeeded completely, you never know with Tango. Or maybe they think they're sleep deprived. They haven't slept in a while, Bdubs has been reminding them to do so. What were they doing? Maybe they should go home instead. Whatever they were doing can probably be done later. What were they doing?

- @/the-royal-bat-snake

- If joe is a changing then he is some kind of fae folk or as the irish and the Scots call them "the good neighbours" he could like anything, from a human, a small man, like knee height or a small green impish or goblin esque creature. Also changlings were the very old fae folk, not just the babies (humma women were stolen to be nurse maids cus fae folk cant make milk, also stolen to be mistresses) I know a lot of irish faerie lore so if you want to know anymore

- @/whatschooldoesntteachyou

[zevlors-tail]

Lonely With You

Pairing: ProHero!Izuku x GN ProHero!Reader

Warnings: Self doubt, self deprecating thoughts/words, cursing, reader is very angry in the beginning and throws something if that’s a trigger for anyone (doesn’t throw it directly at anything or anything in particular), lots of crying on reader’s part, song fic, tooth rotting fluff at the end. <3

A/N: Song fic! Sports by Beach Bunny. I said I couldn’t write shit but here we are. I just one shotted this thing in the span of like 3 hours and in 3 more hours, I have to go into work with no sleep. :’) But really it’s fine bc I had motivation and I DID THE THING. I wrote something I kind of liked! I am obsessed with this song right now, so suffer with me I guess.

The second you stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind you, Izuku could tell something was off. Sure, you had your bad days, but somehow this was different.

“Hi, love! How was your da-” Before he could even finish, you cut him off with an angry look and a short response.

“Fucking awful. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Izuku knew better than to take your short response personally, though he would be lying if he said it didn’t irk him in the slightest. However, you didn’t curse often, and using the “F” word usually meant you were at your wits end with whatever situation you were dealing with. He watched you as you strode past the kitchen with blind rage and threw down your headpiece to your hero costume. A piece of it actually busted off from how hard you had chucked it across the room, nearly missing his eye as it flew past him and making him visibly flinch. 

Upon seeing his reaction, you immediately stopped in your tracks and snapped out of your fit of anger, concern for your partner taking over you instead. “Shit-! Izu, I’m so sorry, are you alright!?” Tears welled in your eyes as you panicked and checked his face over for any collateral damage, and when you could find none, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“I’m fine, Y/N. Are...you okay? I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but you look really...upset.” He struggled to find the right words for a moment. You looked upset, sure, but it was more than that. There was a foreign look in your eyes he hadn’t seen before, something heavy and dark lurking behind your usually bright orbs. His heart couldn’t help but ache for the look you gave him.

If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you. Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?

You broke down in tears within seconds, cries of frustration and anguish clawing their way up from your ribcage to your throat. Today had drained you for all your worth and made you feel utterly exhausted. But if you were being honest, this had been going on much longer than just a day. It just so happened that today’s events had been the last straw for you and left you feeling defeated. Months of self doubt and anxieties were finally catching up to you, and now you were paying the price.

Izuku wrapped his arms around you tightly and held your head to his chest as you hiccuped. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He nuzzled his face into your hair before pressing a sweet kiss to your crown, his hand sliding to your back to rub comforting circles.

“I’m no good,” you managed between sobs. “I’m a terrible hero, and I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’ll never amount to anything useful. All I do is get in the way and cause problems for others!” You continued to cry while Izuku let you vent, although it took everything he had in him not to interject that all of those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

Why are we so complicated? Maybe love is overrated...

“I’m a failure. I failed my mission and if it wasn’t for Uravity...” You let out a strangled cry as you admitted what was weighing you down so heavily. “They almost died! They almost died, and it would have been all my fault! If I had just pushed myself harder, if I had done more, then- then- then none of this would have happened!” 

“Oh, love...no.”

“I should just do everyone a favor and stop being a Pro. My manager did always say I was better as a sidekick, anyway,” you laughed bitterly at the memory, distracted only for a moment before returning to crying, albeit a little quieter. “I’m ready to give up. Everything I do is wrong... I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore.”

I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis courts.

Izuku sighed softly before cupping your face in his hands and gazing intently at you. “Y/N Y/L/N, you are not a failure. You are the light of my life and the best thing to have ever happened to me. Do you know that?”

You hesitated a minute while you sniffled and rubbed at your eyes. “Are you sure about that? Because I feel like I’m failing at everything... At being a hero, at being a friend, and at being your partner. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I’ve barely been able to pay attention to you. I’m so sorry, Izuku...” Fresh tears pooled at the corners of your eyes as your self doubt ate at you.

Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure.

“You didn’t let me finish.” 

“Ah, I’m sorry-”

“Nope! No more apologizing, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong.” A small smile found it’s way to his lips as he spoke, “I’ve watched you grow from a student in the hero course with me into the wonderful person and amazing hero you are now, and I want you to know I’m proud of who you’ve become. You’ve been nothing but nice to Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki, and you’ve done everything you can to support me and be there for me when I need you to be. You cheered me on and pushed me to do better when I felt like giving in so many times. Without you, I wouldn’t be the hero I am today.”

“That’s really flattering, but I think All Might was mostly responsible for making you the hero you are now.”

Come on to me, come on to me...I need more!

Izuku laughed a little as you smiled at your comment, though the pain remained behind your eyes still and his gaze was just as intense as before. He quickly regained composure and continued. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, love. I was watching the live feed from home while you were on your mission, and from one hero to another, you did all you could with the hand you were dealt in that situation. You can’t place unnecessary blame on yourself for something that’s not your fault. You weren’t a hinder to them, and you didn’t cause them any further problems. I mean, unless you were the one who set the building on fire, but that’s not likely, right?” His teasing tone was meant to lighten the situation, but it seemed to have no affect against the worry and anxiety radiating from you. “Y/N.”

“Hm?” At some point you realized you had zoned out and starting daydreaming about all the possible ways the situation could have gone wrong. Izuku’s voice pulled you back to reality and away from your twisted reverie.

“I love you. It’s okay to feel upset and angry about today, about yesterday, about last month- and especially about that comment your manager made. Which, by the way, we need a new manager for you now, but that’s not the point. I want you to know that I will always be here to support and love you like you’ve supported and loved me. Your friends love you and support you also, you know. Uraraka was just asking me about you yesterday, actually...said you looked a little blue. Oh, and Todoroki wanted me to pass on a message. Something about an angry pomeranian? Are you two making fun of Kaachan again?” He gave you a pointed look.

“Well...yes and no?” You sheepishly grinned and laughed while he just rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that you are worth so much more than you think. Your friends love you, I love you, and your fans also love you. You’re more than just a sidekick. You’re an amazing hero and an even better partner to me, and you are not and will never be a failure at any point in time. You did all you could to save those people, and if you hadn’t stepped in when you did, Uravity might not have been able to get to them after all. If you don’t want to be a hero anymore, then of course I’ll support you no matter what, but that’s not really what you want to do, is it?”

Deep down, you knew Izuku was right. There was no way you could step down from being a hero; you loved helping people almost as much as he did. Being a hero was just as much a part of you as your nose or your eyes or your lips. It was a second nature, something you couldn’t just give up on so easily.

“I want to help people and be a hero. I just...lately, I just don’t feel like I’m good enough.” 

You sounded so sad and dejected still, and it absolutely broke his heart. Izuku silently promised himself to do everything in his power to make you believe in yourself again before racking his brain for ideas on how to further cheer you up. When you had bad days, there were certain things he did to comfort you and help you relax, but this seemed to be a bit more serious, and thus, required a more elaborate solution than the normal hot bath and back massage. Maybe...yes, that was perfect! It probably wouldn’t fix the problem long term, but it would be a good start.

“You are good enough, and I will always be here to remind you of that.” He leaned in and gave you a soft kiss. “Come on, let’s go relax in bed. I’ll even give you a ride there if you want.”

Your eyes immediately lit up as he turned around and crouched down so you could climb on to his back. As goofy as he was, you absolutely adored him. “Yes! You’re the best!” You squealed as he lifted you up with ease and locked his arms around the back of your legs to keep you nice and secure while he strode to the bedroom. Once there, he set you down on the bed before putting his plan into motion.

At the foot of your bed, you had a night sky projector that would cast the image of stars and planets onto your ceiling. Izuku had gotten it for you for your last birthday, and you loved it dearly. It made you feel content and relaxed when you were restless. Often times, you used it while you were in the bath or right before bed when you were having a rough night. It was perfect for occasions like this. Choosing the setting with the purple colored lights, Izuku powered it on and the two of you watched as your bedroom lit up all over. It was like you were really in space.

He made his way back to bed where you were currently snuggling into the giant comforter you both shared, a blissful smile on his face at the sight of you. You seemed to be feeling better already; you cuddled up to him as the little spoon as soon as he slid under the covers with you. He made sure to find a comfortable position for the both of you, and with the ambience set, there was only one last thing to do.

“If you feel broken, promise I won’t break your heart. If you shatter, I won’t let you fall apart. Why are we so complicated? Love’s a word I’ve always hated...”

You listened to him sing softly, the words falling from his lips effortlessly as he serenaded you with your favorite melody.

“I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis court. Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure. Come on to me, come on to me, I need more...”

You closed your eyes and slowly drifted away from your worries as he sang. If every night could end like this, then maybe everything would be okay after all.

“It always feel like I need more... Jesus Christ, you’re so confusing! If we keep score, bet my money that I’m losing...”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“No, I love you more.”

You felt his laugh reverberate through his chest as he snuggled closer.

“Go to bed, Y/N.”

“Mmn...”

“If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you... Tell me, baby, why do you seem so blue?”

[phoebehalliwell]

how would you rank the seasons from least to most favourite?

alright okay right off the bat worst season season 7. for starters i think this season has no staying power i mean like since i’ve been running this blog 4 so long now my knowledge of charmed is encyclopedic and insanely vast more than like it ever need be but for the longest time. i could not remember season 7. like wtf even happened there?? evidently leo became human??? cole returned? the avatars??? like all of it was just. it’s not even necessarily forgettable it’s just i straight up could not remember it for the longest time. and i’ve said it before the concept of utopia was way to advanced for a show like charmed to tackle i am not watching charmed for moral philosophy i am watching bc i love these girls ♥ hee hee hoo hoo magic adventure ✨ tho if i am to offer a single comment on utopia: it’s awfully rich for a show to go on about destiny and fate and then take a stand against utopia in the name of free will. but w/e. i don’t like leo in the avatars i don’t like his dynamic with piper in this season i don’t like whatever phoebe’s doing this season there’s like leslie?? maybe there’s someone else? boring & flavorless they should have been setting up her endgame instead of puttering around. and kyle. zoo wee mama. could have been a great antihero. morally gray. duplicitous. self serving. but no. they gave him all those traits and called him hero/love interest. s7 left a lot to be desired out of the characters and their relationships also gave us phat L’s such as the charmed ones are werewolves don’t worry about it and feminism peaked with naked women. shout out to zankou: demon, dilf, dub & the noir episode.

you know what? fuck it i’ll say it second worse season 5 genuinely fuck season five. this is probably a Very Specific beef 2 me But. i hate what they did to the charmed universe. this was the season that marked the transition of charmed from supernatural drama to campy soap which like. i love camp! i do! but fr. fuck this season and what it did to the worldbuilding. the early season have Such A Vibe to them man with warlocks and witches and just a couple niche monsters from assorted lore that the show took and made their own. season five opens with mermaids goes directly into fairytales then gives us superheros whatever the fuck was going on in that mummy episode the sandman leprechauns and nymphs. and i hate it for that. it takes away from this urban fantasy things that go bump in the night what lurks in the shadows of the back alleys of san francisco in favor of the ugliest cinderella dress ever put to television and an onslaught of horrible irish accents for a full episode. other issues with season five: cole’s still here? why? they don’t know and neither will you! we’re not redeeming him! phoebe’s not getting back together with him! yes he died we just refuse to let him go! the cherry on top of course being a cole-centric 100th episode. shout out to. hmm. lemme think about what i actually liked about this season. i like jason dean as a love interest i don’t remember what he did in s5 but i know he was there. the season finale i’ve talked about how stupid & shitty it was but idc i still love that episode and then shout out to bacarra the only original villain this season that was a proper serve. the crone gets second place.

next on this come on we all saw it coming season 8. it’s a bad season! and i get bts there was a whole lot happening budget cuts missing actor etc. but it goes beyond that. it was a bad season. billie and christie were bad. and i’ve said this before but billie in herself is not an inherently bad character. she was just the literal worst for the show. she was a dollar store buffy blonde confident cocky skilled and ready 2 fight evil But. we are not following her like we followed buffy we are following her mentors. it’s like if we had a show called giles that aired for seven seasons And Then buffy showed up. billie was insanely irritating to watch from our perspective and in general wasn’t like. well written. attempts to humanize her / give her more depth often fell flat. and then christy. oh nelly. oh my god. barely a character. not well acted but hey it would have been a miracle if she was. negatives include dumain who was a mess omg bringing back the triad bringing back the source billie & christy obvi and also involving homeland security. which is season 7′s fault which is why it’s the worst. dubs on the other hand include both coop and henry i really liked them the shoehorned love interests weren’t great but i like their characters i though the way the got rid of leo to save on the budget was really creative and gave us a great piper episode and of course the sugary sweet finale i love it i do what can i say.

yet another controversial choice aptly coming in fourth is season 4. i respect what season 4 set out to do. i think it was a good idea. long form narratives, keeping a darker tone, focusing on character-driven drama and growth. too bad it fucking failed miserably at all of this. cole as the source and phoebe as the queen of hell was just so so botched. they had a very unique opportunity following the death of prue to explore these characters and what it means to them to be charmed, to be witches. they saved the world but the cost is insanely high. they’ve lost an older sister. they’ve gained a new sister. how do you even begin to cope with all this? episodes such as hell hath no fury and brain drain fuck so hard because they work with exactly that. had the whole season been like those episode season four would sit at number one with flying colors absolutely no competition. but alas. we can’t have nice things. the show got so bogged down with phoebe & cole, in a way that was just so, so messy. for starters, whether you loved cole or hated him before, we can all agree source!cole sucked. he was such a strong 180 from what we had seen that the show had to make the source some type of possession to justify half the shit they were trying to pull. and then to pit phoebe and paige against one another over a man was just. disgusting. and the ending of course felt rushed because it was! they wrapped up that entire issue in a nice little bow much faster than they reasonably should have been able to. it could have been a great season. it was definitely not. shout out to the seer an iconic mastermind on barbas levels, as previously stated brain drain and hell hath no fury Specific shout out to piper’s scene at prue’s grave shout out to paige as a character i like what they did with her and um. yeah that’s it.

okay we’re exiting the shit tier in favorite of the good tier welcome to the upper half. kicking us off is season 6. season 6 did what season 4 could not in that it gave us a long form plot that still left plenty of room for like. normal demon of the week episodes. i love phoebe early in this season with her faboo haircut her brand new empathy power and her relationship with jason dean. obvious strikes against for whatever the fuck that baby crazy stint was and also the mata hari episode. yikes. i love paige’s hair color in this season nothing paige as a character necessarily stands out to me however i like how they seem to have hit the blend of work-magic with paige where she wants a life and career outside of magic however she still loves the craft and embraces is with an open heart and mind. season six also gives us chris who was a very fun male lead imo we really didn’t have many like him he’s bitchy. he whines and bitches a lot he’s got an agenda he’s a bit secretive but at the end of the day he just wants a family i like him. i like the character growth we see out of piper i like seeing her try to move on from leo i love seeing her get back together with leo i like her dynamic with chris and her fears about motherhood. i also liked richard but that one takes a lot of justification. L’s are witchstock hyde school reunion used karma off the top of my head also the paige/richard/addiction plotline was so tone deaf. also the girls were mean to darryl : ( he deserved so much better. dubs were chris as a character, tbh the episode little monsters, phoebe with empathy specifically saying i love you too to jason i could write a dissertation on that line alone also the courtship of wyatt’s father and i thought the reveals of evil wyatt and chris being piper and leo’s son were both fun and interesting plot twists.

coming in third is actually season 2 a season i really do love it’s just. it lacks structure. imo there is a lot to love about season 2 morality bites and pardon my past are both delightful time travel episodes we get jack sheridan and bane jessup two of my personal favorite prue love interests we get p3 h2o and a great prue plotline regarding the death of patty we get the super cute cupid episode it’s a great. collection of episodes. it’s not a great season. there’s just imo not a strong enough thread connecting the stories together it’s mainly held together by having the same characters in it over and over again i really liked dan personally but like. i knew we were wasting time there. he was just an obstacle. a super cute loving and caring obstacle who’s great with kids but lbr piper and leo were always endgame. wasting our time on dan was stupid. i do love the sister dynamics in season two “gotta hand it to those pesky little demons they sure have brought us closer together” but again. this season could have benefitted from a rex and hannah type or even like a cole or zankou. this season is less of a season and more of just like a handful of episodes, and while there are some fat dubs, there are also some definite swings & misses. shout out to the time travel episodes the prue centric episodes phoebe’s character growth and maturity throughout this season (e.g. her going back to college) and i also think the fashion got a lot more fun this season.

second place i’m saying season one season one was a really strong start and gave us these really compelling characters with interesting relationships between one another But. a lot of it just kinda falls flat. and credit where credit is due it was a brand new show getting its feet under it but the fourth sister feats of clay which prue is it anyway they just simply aren’t dubs imo. also i don’t like that 70′s episode bc again i am an asshole concerned about The Lore i can’t believe one bitch ass warlock caused the Charmed Ones to grow up without powers. it just really bugs me. all in all the plots as a whole like aren’t great imo they’re nothing to write home about (save for from fear to eternity) it’s really the characters that make this season so goddamn good.

first place congratulations to the one the only season three. this is just because it kinda hits all my requirements in that it has some banger one offs (e.g. all halliwell’s eve, the good, the bad, and the cursed) it has an overarching plot at the exact same time as the source becomes more prominent and obvi cole is also there with murderous intent i like the character growth we see especially from prue i like piper and leo finally get married overall i really like the aesthetic of this season that blends a darker urban fantasy tone with still some charmed fashion and whimsy. strikes against tbh phoebe and cole’s relationship i am insanely picky with my enemies to lovers and the do not come remotely close to cutting the mustard in fact they are almost immediately disqualified however from afar i can see and respect The Drama. shout out to recasting victor prue with pistols death as a character and shannen directing episodes

[rrrawrf-writes]

lordy lordy loo it’s been a hot minute since i’ve made an original post, i forgot where the button was

so. some of you may have seen the stuff running around about violetvineyard and mvcreates, some of you may not have. i’m just gonna lay out my experiences here, now that other people are talking about it and now that the server has been deleted. i’m gonna try to present a fair and nuanced version; i’m not gonna include screenshots (right now) bc i’m lazy, mostly.

there are several other people who are putting up way better breakdowns than i am. i just figured i might as well toss mine onto the pile bc why not? but if you’re hoping to hear from me a story about how i’ve been wronged, per se, you won’t find much of one, because i played mainly a spectator role, and never had much trouble there. i will have a vague, lukewarm defense of some of the people involved that other people may not agree with, but again, this is all just the whole VV deal from my point of view.

@nuwuhorizons (i haven’t said how dang much i lOVE your url) and @sapiencenotes have very good receipts and breakdowns. if you want a more in-depth (and dramatic, forgive me for using the word, i’m not trying to downplay this), check them out. @time-to-write-and-suffer also has some great stuff on their blog about all of this.

all righty. so. i joined VV not right at the beginning, but soon after it was started. there was an application process, i got accepted, i was looking for a community to help me start writing more. (it didn’t help, but that’s not their fault, that’s mine.) the person who owned the server was called mina, and on tumblr, mina’s url was mvcreates. mina is a nonbinary Muslim woman of color, a professional who i believe works at harvad and deals a lot with things like infectious diseases, iirc. she was doing a whole lot of work when the pandemic came around, and so the past few months wasn’t quite as active as she had been at the start, both on the server and tumblr. 

the very first time mina came on my radar, before i joined vv, was because she had corrected someone’s typo on a post, and it stirred up a minor drama about “don’t give unsolicited criticism” and “is pointing out minor errors like that okay” and blahblahblah. i ran across that on a friend’s dash, and also ran across the promo for vv from that friend’s dash, as well, and joined bc y not.

everything was p cool for a while. it was nice to meet some new people and some of my mutuals on there. mina seemed like a fun person. she was about a year, year and a half, maybe, older than i am. the first things that kind of started rubbing me wrong at the start was how she would kind of dismiss suggestions for the server than i and a friend had, and how she kept bringing up her age - she would often say things like “well i wouldn’t do that but i’m an Old(TM) so maybe i just don’t get it” and i can’t really explain why that bothered me. i think it felt dismissive, like Younger Folks Don’t Know How Things Should Work. also, like. she kept bringing it up. as if it meant something, as if plenty of us on that server weren’t actually around her age. there was a convo on vaccinations where i wanted to make the point that a lot of anti-vaxxers should be educated instead of ridiculed and shamed, but i never really got to making that point bc she jumped in very sharply and explained that anti-vaxxers all come from a class of people who are generally educated. i didn’t bother saying anything else. 

at the start, it was tiny little things like that. i chalked it up to her personality and mine just not quite matching up. i sat down a lot and examined my own internal biases, bc i knew something was bugging me, but i couldn’t tell if it was legitimate, or if i was jealous and petty, or if i was being discriminatory towards her identity. i still wonder that a lot; i want to be careful that i’m examining her actions here, and not the person who made those actions.

because the other thing that bothered me was that she was perfect at pretty much everything. she was a decent, if not good, writer, from what i read. i thought her “art”/edits were neat, even if sometimes i looked at them going “that just looks like an edit, not your own art, but u kno, edits are art too, so i’m not gonna say anything.” she had a lot of motivation, a lot of ambition. soon, this kind of transferred over into me feeling like she acted like she had to be perfect at everything. i think this is probably one of the more “lisa is just being petty” things, rather than a judgement on her character, but she seemed to flaunt her own skills and accomplishments a lot. not that no one is allowed to brag sometimes! but it was just another layer of “this bothers me.”

then there was the hero worship.

people in the server loved mina. i liked her. i had no problems with her, even if there were a few things i was a little “ehhhh” about. vv got pretty big, pretty quickly, and i assume there was a decent amount of turnover and people who just joined to lurk or sometimes share things in the promos channel or elsewhere. but the most active folks just. they adored mina with every fiber of their being. mina could do no wrong. no one ever called her out on anything; everything she did was hailed as fantastic and wonderful. and honestly, for the most part, it wasn’t like she was doing crappy stuff. some of the praise was well-deserved, imo, but it just bordered on embarrassing for some of these people, how much they just worshipped the ground she walked on.

and she didn’t really like, discourage it. like, at the start, i think i remember her being more modest, but in general, she just let it go, and so did i, bc like. i aint that kinda jerk.

the stated purpose of violetvineyard was to have a community that valued reciprocity. reciprocity was mina’s biggest thing. there was a channel for people to post their stuff on, so the rest of us could browse and read and reblog. i, admittedly, didn’t do as much of that as i wish i did, but part of it was because i do have a life outside of the internet, a memory and attention span the size of a gnat, and because like. 90% of the stuff that people put in the promos channel were things like edits, writeblr intros, wip intros, etc etc, when all i wanted was to just read some actual writing. but that’s neither here nor there. what got hilarious to me, though, was whenever mina’s fervent admirers would talk about how mina was, quote, a pillar of the community. how vv was doing something No Other Writeblr Group Had Done Before. how Important and Special this server was.

folks. i’ve been on here for several years now. we don’t have a community. we have a bunch of little cliques who reblog from their friends and complain about people not reblogging them. noah fence, but come on. vv got pretty dang big, but it was still a small corner of a small section of tumblr. like. sorry, all y’all, but them’s the breaks.

also, this was hilarious to me bc there are several big writeblrs who have been running around long before mina and vv showed up. yet, according to these people in the server, mina had Single-handedly Brought Hope To This Desolate Wasteland.

in the end, vv became just another little clique whose members reblogged from their friends. i don’t want to devalue the good that did come out of vv. a lot of the picture being painted rn was that the majority of the server were scary dog-piling people. the majority of the server were just writeblrs looking to promo their stuff and talk about their writing. unfortunately, few bad apples, bad rep, negatives outshine positives, etc etc. but i think it did do some good re: exposure for a few folks, even tho it didn’t turn into what it could have been. 

another one of the things that was a minor irritant to me was that they eventually started archiving the vent channel, which was probably the most-used channel. that didn’t sit right to me, but as always, i was a coward had nothing to say about it, so i didn’t. the reason given was that there were often things in the vent channel that people might regret being there, so it was periodically archived and a fresh channel started.

so i’m rambling a lot about stuff that’s probably boring and inconsequential. that’s 90% of this whole vv thing, tho, you need to understand that. 

the biggest thing that bothered me about mina, i think, came about from the constant hero worship from her adoring fans. and i know there’s a whole argument to be said about expecting labor from people with marginalized identities, which is an argument i agree with - don’t expect someone of a minority group to educate you or to face trauma or to shut down bigots, etc etc. but by now, mina had a lot of followers in general, and in specific, she had quite a few people who would defend her at every single perceived slight.

she made a lot of those fun writeblr reblog games, like “send me a fruit that says this about my writing.” those were cool, i’ll admit that. but she was super into “you have to send an ask to the person you reblog from, RECIPROCITY!!!!!!!!!!!” and seemed to struggle with the fact that sometimes, people don’t follow her established rules on her posts for these games. she’d complain about it every single time that happened in the vent channel, which, again, that’s fine? that’s what vents are for, it’s annoying to not get cool fun asks when you do these games, but also, that’s life for you. she could depend on her fans to send her plenty of asks, whereas the much smaller blogs who reblogged these games would probably get f-all, half the time. if you’ve gone through nuwuhorizons or one of the other blogs i mentioned earlier, you’ll have run across the incident where mina’s friends harrassed an 11 year old for not doing her ask game right.

an eleven year old. 

and this is my biggest grief with mina. she only stopped her friends from dogpiling people... once? maybe twice? that i remember. and not only that, but there were SEVERAL occasions where she would get on the vent channel, complain about someone who had said something wrong on one of her posts (and sometimes, again, these were legitimate!), and then ask if someone in the server wanted to reply to them. reasons for such ranged from “i’m too busy rn” to “they would probably listen more to a white person than me.”

again. this, on occasion, is not necessarily a bad thing. we cannot expect labor and response from minorities. my issue was that she kept doing this. and sometimes it was fine, just someone who would drop a note on the post or send a polite anon. but this, to me, the whole asking someone else to fight your battles for you? that really bothered me. mina is a grown adult. either ignore it, like the rest of us chumps, or deal with it yourself. having friends support you is not a bad thing - if i was attacked on tumblr and my friends jumped in to defend me, i’m cool with that. but i wouldn’t ask them to, and then not do anything myself.

to me, this attitude just encourages dogpiling. this felt like she was taking advantage of the people admiring her so whole-heartedly, and using them to deal with minor grievances. (again, i don’t want to downplay some of the actual racism and xenophobia she experienced on this website, because there was some pretty sketchy stuff that did need someone else stepping in to object to. but then there was “ugh this person asked me what program i use to make my music and i don’t want to answer them bc that’s rude,” and stuff of that caliber. like, mina, you built yourself a pretty big following here on tumblr, you don’t get to complain when people are trying to ask you questions and engage with you when you set yourself up as a knowledgeable person on a subject.)

i’m going to mention @gingerly-writing because she already made a post on the subject, but there was an instance where we were in the vent channel and watched a lot of mina’s friends send anons and reblogs of a hurtful nature to one person. eventually, ginger stepped in to say “hey, i don’t think we need to keep doing this, they are a minor,” and after she did so, i also jumped in, saying something along the lines of, “yeah, i’ve seen this kind of stuff blow up in another server and end in a really regrettable situation where no one was happy, can we stop.” both ginger and i received a private message from the mods (individually) saying that we shouldn’t police the chat, etc etc. not during that message, but on the vent channel, another mod jumped in to say that the people dogpiling the blogger were also minors. as if that makes it okay, and isn’t actually extremely worrying in its own right.

after that, i pretty much took a stance of “all right then i just won’t say anything at all.” i stuck around vv because i hated myself actually really liked a few of the others in the server, including a couple of the mods who are actually really cool people, not all the vv mods are sketch, and because honestly? i lowkey knew that vv was going to crash and burn sometime, and i wanted to be there to watch what happened. due to the pandemic, and her line of work, mina became less active, and the whole server died down a bit. 

then someone reblogged one of mina’s ‘art’ posts and accused her of tracing. mina’s admirers immediately jumped into action. nuwuhorizons has it pretty well documented on their blog. there was nothing in the server about it, except one of the others said “oh man i saw that and it pissed me off,” there was some minor chat, and then i woke up and wanted to know what had happened, and was told “don’t worry about it.”

so, naturally, bc the only thing i thirst for is water and Drama(TM), i went looking for it.

found it on some of mina’s friend’s blogs, where i found who had reblogged and said mina was tracing, and followed those reblog chains, where several of mina’s followers attacked the accuser and made fun of their name and age and defended mina, pulling out progress videos and stuff of mina’s work. the accuser was trans and still a teenager, even if technically an adult, so that made things a lot worse. mina eventually posted something explaining that she was pencil tracing and had a very cheery, false-positive tone to the whole thing.

things sorta ended at that, but then maybe the same day, or the day after, user hyba made that big ol post about the Big Scary Tumblr Mirror Website Copying All Your Good, Hard Work. mina and her friends jumped on this. they threw it in the server and talked about things like intellectual property rights and “i don’t like how this makes me feel :(” and from there, went in to how tumblr was a terrible garbage site and then mina and most of the mod team decided that it was time to pack up VV and leave tumblr completely. 

pretty much everyone i know were mina’s besties have vanished off tumblr. mina made an announcement that VV was “migrating” off tumblr and discord(???) and dropped another application to join the great vv migration. i did not apply bc i just have too freaking much going on in my life and needed to get out of this for the sake of my own mental health. it was tempting as hell, tho, i will say that. 

a couple things about this - at the time, mina is also having some pretty bad things going on in her family. she was very vague on the details, but i think that really contributed to wanting to leave; on top of the pandemic and everything else, she was probably heckin stressed. but also like. she never called out her followers for attacking her accuser. she never made any sort of post talking about it. she never told her friends on the server “hey don’t do that.” she never took accountability for it, or, honestly, for anything else she or her friends have done that didn’t feel too good. the mirror sites aren’t really a big deal. 

after the server was archived, it was left up a couple days so everyone could grab contact info, etc. during this time, i was checking the ‘violetvineyard’ tag and saw someone post “what happened to mvcreates they haven’t answered my application to vv,’ and i responded with “oh, the server closed down bc of the copy cat sites.”

the same day, i got a tumblr DM from one of the former mods asking me not to give away any details about vv leaving tumblr. it was very politely worded and everything, but it was still just like

okay? vv is over? why are you asking me not to say anything. and it wasn’t like i was even spilling any hot goss, i was just repeating the excuse (and i do mean excuse) mina gave us. 

anyway, that mod is off tumblr, too, as far as i know, or else they stealthin. which is fine, u do u, buddy.

uhh conclusion time, i guess? i have a few scattered screenshots of things, but i’m not posting em bc i’m lazy and also running late for a thing. but really, for me, i didn’t have a whole lot of beef with mina or pretty much any of the other folks on vv. i thought that mina and her friends were a bit too eager for blood, and that really bothered me. i’m annoyed they shut down vv completely, because it could actually have been something great. if mina wanted off writeblr, i wish she had given the whole network over to people interested in running it; instead, what was a good thing for a lot of people is now completely gone, with no existing framework for people to build on. sure, anyone can go make their own network/family for writeblr, but now it’s just going to splinter into a bunch of different, smaller groups, and we’re all back to square one.

but whatever. i didn’t get to see the server go down in flames, instead it just ended with a hasty retreat and a few whimpers, and quite honestly i wished my staying in had paid off.

i do want to reiterate - there were quite a few people in vv who i think are great, and this does include some of the mods themselves.

i’ve also gotten a couple messages from a few other folks who had been in vv who have their own real, real sketch stories, which are making me rethink how i feel about mina and her friends, and all the good credit i gave them. i just wanted to present this bc it’s my blog and i do what i want, fight me.

and if anyone wants to chat about vv, hit me up. i keep things as private as you want them to be, and i love love love talking about this nonsense. Give Me The Deets.

[jackiesarch]

All of other for Andy bc I wanna know if he believes in mothman

41. Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are they married? Divorced? 

In most of his verses, Andy’s dating or is married to Juliana — who belongs to you! You already know this, but they have a canon timeline verse and a no outbreak verse, and they eventually fall hard for each other in both. He’s a mostly sweet guy who enjoys having someone to love, and he’s happy to have found that in her.

42. What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret?

Boxing. It’s no secret to literally anyone that he could spend all day in the gym destroying a punching bag with his fists. Almost all the time, the training room is where he’s found at the Sanctuary, and when he needs to clear his head or work through some inner turmoil, he tapes up his hands and gets to work. It’s a hobby that serves a dual purpose — it’s fun and keeps him entertained, but it also keeps him strong and able to fight, and there’s no shortage things to hit out in apocalyptic Virginia.

43. If they could have one thing in life, what would it be?

Safety, probably. Security. He has spent so much of his life ensuring the safety and survival of others, and now it’s his turn to try and do that for himself. All he wants more than anything is for he and his family to be safe — and he will do just about anything to make sure it happens.

44. Do they work? If so, what is their job? If not, are they looking for one or even want one?

He does! Before the outbreak, Andy was a firefighter. Afterwards, his fighting skills and eye for strategy translate well into a position as a member of Negan’s inner circle at the Sanctuary. He trains new recruits, teaches people to defend themselves, and often gets his ass kicked by a tiny little lady who looks harmless and isn’t. In Alexandria, he tends to do whatever he tells him, but mostly finds himself teaching people to fight or helping out with construction projects.

45. Do they use social media?

Thankfully he doesn’t have to worry about Instagram or Twitter in canon, but in no outbreak verse he has the basic social media profiles: a Facebook and a probably rarely used Instagram that exists solely so he can like his girl’s selfies.

46. Have they ever been in the hospital?

Twice. The first time, he broke his arm flying over the handlebars of his bike and smacking into a tree as a kid. That accident also earned him a concussion and a sprained wrist, but the arm was the worst of it.

The second time, he was being treated for smoke inhalation and a collapsed lung. Don’t tell anyone, but he was a little reckless and stayed behind at a fire to save a dog when protocol would have been to leave it behind. Sap.

47. Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see?

He wholeheartedly does. People tend to think he’s crazy, but Andy is absolutely the type to get sucked into stories about cryptids and ghosts, entranced by UFO sightings and conspiracy theories. He will tell anyone who listens about how he saw a ghost as a child (she was an old lady and she stood at the foot of his bed before disappearing through his bedroom wall), and is perpetually terrified by paranormal and supernatural movies because they don’t seem all that fake to him.

As for the mothman…Andrew’s scared he’s lurking outside the Sanctuary compound. Thanks for that, Julie. :(

48. What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset?

Most of the time, if it’s possible, he’ll hole up in the training room or the gym and hit things for a couple hours until whatever’s bothering him stops bothering him. If he can’t, he’ll try to isolate himself — he’ll go for a walk, take a long shower with the door locked, anything to get him out of whatever situation is gnawing at him.

If he’s still angry or stressed or upset after that, he’ll go straight to Juliana for comfort. Sometimes, even just being with her is all he needs to get back to normal.

49. Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey?

It really depends on the stage of life he’s in. Before and after the outbreak while he’s still with the Saviors, he’d say he’s a good person. It’s categorically false, based on some of the things he does for Negan, but he thinks he’s doing the right thing and he sees himself as one of the good guys. They’re protecting people, after all, and that’s what he did before the world went to shit.

After he settles in Alexandria and people are a little frosty to him at first, he realizes that maybe he’s been more morally grey than he realized. Maybe some of those things he did as a Savior weren’t quite so good. Maybe the violence wasn’t what the world needed. It’s a a lot more difficult to reconcile those actions with his definition of a good man once he really takes the time to think about it.

50. Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc)

My tendency for moments of absolute stupidity. :(

Jokes aside, Andy is a very different person from me. He’s friendly and outgoing and happy to talk to strangers without hesitation, where I am much more introverted and shy.

I’d like to say that I’m as warm and loving as Andrew is, but I’ll leave that for y’all to decide.

[maraudersandlily20]

Hope

Okay, here’s the thing. About 2 years ago, when I was in the THICK of the HPRP community (which is dead now, honestly. RIP.), I found myself drawn to weird characters, SUCH AS: Charlie Weasley, Regulus Black (this one is still very much happening), and Hope and Lyall Lupin. I was doing a bunch of research and investigating on Remus’ parents, and the way those two met and fell in love was ADORABLE. So I started to write that story, and I asked Carolina (aka @the-moon-and-stars-my-love ) to read and edit it for me. I should have known that she would go above and beyond, as is per Carolina. But I was rereading HOPE, the story, a few days ago and decided that the only way I could post it was if I actually PUT Carolina’s commentary into the story. Because it makes me laugh and people need to see it. 

I’ve only written 2 parts of this story, because I hit a block after I finished the second part. So I’ll post what I have. 

Here’s Hope, part 1. Carolina’s commentary will be labelled, bolded, and italicized for less confusion. 

Part 1

If there was one thing that was certain, it was that Hope Howell wasn’t foolish. She wasn’t foolish. She knew better than to be out this late, especially in these woods. There were reports of robberies, rapes, and even murders that happened when people were out too long. But this time, it wasn’t people, it was her.

“You’re really done it now, Hope. Really. You just HAD to go to Carreg today to write. You couldn’t have just stayed home and had tea with mum?” Hope was babbling, of course, which she was hoping would soothe her nerves and help her dismiss the small sounds from the dark crevices of the forest. There were plenty of animals and bugs in this forest, they were probably just making a debut. And if it wasn’t animals, that didn’t necessarily mean it was anything bad.

“It doesn’t matter,” she reasoned. “There’s nothing bad in this forest. People just say there is to keep naughty children away or have them return at a reasonable hour. And I’ve never been reasonable, I’m a rebel. I go home when I want to, dark or not.” She was hoping, somewhere in the back of her mind, that if she could convince herself, even momentarily, and boost her confidence, she wouldn’t feel so completely stripped of all protection. 

She should have accepted Miles’ offer to go with her to Carreg, but she had been adamant that she would be perfectly fine. Besides, he would have read too much into it, and she wasn’t going to string him along. She shook off those thoughts and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. 

“I AM perfectly fine.” she reasoned. “They’re just old wives tales and superstitions. And I, Hope Howell, am not a superstitious person,” she said as if trying to reason with some stubborn part of herself. 

A branch broke, making Hope freeze in her tracks. She felt her pulse quicken, but refused to look in the direction of the noise. 

Carolina: girl these are your flight or fight instincts kicking in liSTEN TO THEM

She was just jumpy from remembering the stories and legends that were very much NOT true, she told herself. The noise was nothing. Just an animal. Or, maybe a bug. “I’m not superstitious. I’m not. Truly.” 

Carolina: sure jan

However, to give herself some form of comfort, she picked up a large branch on the side of the road and wielded it as though it were a weapon. It didn’t mean she was afraid, it just meant she was smart, she thought. 

Carolina: hahahahaha I'm just so amused because she is a stubborn woman who refuses to be afraid i love her

Her feet seemed glued to the ground and no matter how many positive thoughts she whispered into the air, she couldn’t will herself to move forward.

Carolina: ooo i see what you did there! with the boggart. uh huh uh huh yes good nice i like it she's already feeling the effects because she's probably looking at it but not realizing she's looking at it so she's already scared. nice little detail!

Suddenly, there was a low groaning noise and Hope’s eyes widened in fear. Slowly, reluctantly, knowing she should have already been running at this point, she turned to look into the darkness. 

There was nothing visible to her beyond the shadows of the trees, of course, but the possibilities of what could be lurking just out of view flooded  her mind . “I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid,” she whispered, over and over, but her mind didn’t seem to believe her. 

Frozen in place, Hope swallowed. “H-hello? Is there anyone…. Is there anyone out there?”

Nothing.

Silence. 

“I mean it. If you’re out there, this isn’t funny. If you’re looking to kill me or… or rob me or anything, let’s just move on with it.” she was impressed with how clear her voice sounded despite her high adrenaline. “I don’t even have any money on me, so I’m not sure why you would even want to rob me. But, you’re more than welcome to try.” She sounded ridiculous, she knew, but she wasn’t sure what else she could do. 

Again, nothing,

Just the silence.

Hope shook her head, loosening her hold on her makeshift weapon with the softest sigh of relief. “Silly girl. Of course there’s nothing out there. You’re not superstitious. People don’t just go around hiding in forests like it’s some fairytale. This is 1958 for Christ’s sake. Who in their right mind would-” She stopped dead as another noise manifested itself from the space right before her.

“Hello?” She said again, trying to keep her anxiety at bay, but failing miserably. “Hello?” It was practically a squeak.

And then, there, from the darkness, emerged a huge cloaked figure, with broad shoulders and gleaming eyes. It loomed over Hope and she felt all the blood rush from her face. She couldn’t help herself. She screamed.

She screamed and screamed and the figure moved closer to her. Finally, her heart couldn’t take it. Hope collapsed onto the ground, her vision fading in and out. Hope was swimming in and out of consciousness.  Almost as if it were a dream, she watched a man break through the trees, holding what appeared to be a small stick. He brandished it toward the cloaked figure and shouted a strange word into the air. A bright light filled her vision, and then the figure disappeared into the trees without a backward glance. 

As Hope tried to push her eyes fully open, the face of the man appeared above her.

“Are you alright?” were the last words she heard before everything went black. 

-

The air was cold against her skin, and it roused her from her sleep. It must have been a few minutes before she regained consciousness, as the man who had miraculously saved her was now sitting nearby with his back to her, his gaze trained on the forest, as if watching for more perpetrators. 

Hope shook her head, trying to dispel the dizziness that fogged her brain. She pushed herself up into a seated position with a groan. A pair of hands reached out to steady  her and there were definitely words being spoken to her, though it took a moment for her mind to unscramble them.

“Easy there,” the man said, trying to sound reassuring by keeping his voice low. His hands were calloused and rough, she noted, which was strange compared to the gentleness he was using with her. Her eyes trailed up his arms, taking in the overcoat he wore and the sweater beneath that looked hand-knitted. Her gaze slowly continued upward, and she couldn’t help but feel both fascinated and silly at her interest of his neck and his jawline. She prayed he hadn’t noticed her perusal of him when she finally met his gaze. Hope looked into warm brown eyes of this stranger and was struck dumb. This man had saved her? He was…. Beautiful.

Carolina: listen this is the cutest thing and i am so here for the moment of "shit they're beautiful" and i'm so glad you included it because yes she was aw awestruck of him as he was of her

Also Carolina: can i get uuhhhh mUTUAL PINING???

While they sat looking at each other, it wasn’t lost on her that there was a chance this was another ploy to rob her. But, at the same time, she was so relieved that the much larger and, frankly, more terrifying man hadn’t hurt her. The man in front of her was so handsome and gentle that she really couldn’t find it in her to care if he was going to rob her. 

Carolina: hOPE MY GOODNESS IF I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MA BOY LYALL I'D BE CONCERNED BUt also it's Lyall and he's been so good this whole time and it he wanted to do something he wouldn't have been there when you woke up bUT STILL (not a bad thing just a realization lol)

“I’m alright,” She whispered, holding a hand to her head.

“Are you sure? You took quite the fall, you know. And over a simple boggart too.” He chuckled, not registering the look of confusion on her face and then seeming to remember something. “Oh, here,” he muttered, reaching into his pocket and fumbling for a moment before pulling out a small wrapped candy. He noticed her wary gaze and shook his head. “Don’t worry, it’s just chocolate. Eat. You’ll feel better.”

Carolina: cries bc throwback/foreshadowing to remus saying this to harry about boggarts too

He handed it to her and she took it, though she wasn’t sure why. 

Carolina: dID YOUR MOTHER NOT TELL YOU NOT TO ACCEPT SWEETS FROM A STRANGER??? Hope i love you but dear goodness woman

When he looked away from her, apparently sorting through the contents of his pocket, she stuffed the chocolate into the pocket of her coat. It wasn’t that she wanted to be rude, but she was wary of accepting any sort of food from a nameless, though very handsome, stranger.

Carolina: !!! yes good on you Hope you gots to be careful! stranger danger

As her pulse settled into a normal rhythm, and as she realized there was no imminent danger, she took a moment to take in her surroundings. They seemed to be in the same piece of wood she had fainted in, but somehow, it looked brighter. Maybe it was just the beautiful man sitting beside her that made her think that. She couldn’t be sure.

Carolina: gOD Hope could you BE any more enamored by this man??? how dare you make this so cute, Jo???

And then she remembered what had made her faint. “You-” She turned back to him suddenly. “You rescued me!” 

The man laughed with a sheepish smile. “Really, it was nothing. You must have just lost your wits. You would have been fine without me.”

“Are you out of your mind? That man was HUGE! There’s no way I ever could have gotten rid of him without you.”

The stranger stopped. “Man…?”

“Yes, the big cloaked man that you chased off with your little… little stick?” her nose wrinkled as she remembered. “You were holding a stick, weren’t you? How did you even do that? And what did you say earlier? That he was a … a Boggart?”

They looked at each other and Hope felt as if she was being sized up. Some sort of clarity seemed to hit him. “Oh, uh, it wasn’t a stick, it was a knife. I always keep one in my pocket . An old habit I developed from the war.” He pulled out a small knife, holding it out towards her by the wood handle. She nodded. “As for the… the boggart part. In my hometown, Boggart was a name we called scary looking men who were weak.” 

Carolina: hA. Nice save Lyall v slick i like it. also, really clever on you for coming up with that being the explanation Lyall would have given her!

Hope nodded, as if she understood, but thought it was a right silly thing to call anyone. 

There was a pause. “Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked.

A little laugh left her throat. “Yes, I’m sure. I kept telling myself over and over that I wasn’t afraid and that there was nothing out there to worry about. But at the first sign of danger, I went and fainted.”

“I hardly think your reaction was unreasonable,” Lyall reassured her. “I had the benefit of being rescuer, and not the damsel in distress. It’s always easier to save someone else than to fight things off yourself. I very well might have reacted the same way.”

Carolina: Lyaaalllll what a sweet lad validating her feelings and admitting to probably reacting a similar way if he had been in her shoes. what a man :')

Hope smiled, finding it funny that he was trying, in a way, to save her pride. She had already fainted in front of him, she assumed that all presumptions of pride were long behind them. “Well, it wasn’t an ideal reaction either. You are right thought. Being a damsel in distress is hard work. Who knows what would have happened to me if you hadn’t come along. ” This made the man snort with laughter, which then made Hope giggle, which was something she never did. 

Carolina: pRECIOUS the absolute NERDS

Gratitude shone in her eyes as she smiled at him. “Thank you, by the way. For saving me.”

If Hope had been paying more attention to the handsome man’s face as she smiled at him, she would have noticed the flush that covered his cheeks and the nervous way he bit his lip. 

Carolina: cuuuuuute. he's already so into her and it's adorable and sweet and pure

However, Hope wasn’t always the best at picking up romantic signals from men. 

Carolina: lmao Hope is me can't pick up signals aT ALL xD seriously love when they're both pretty much oblivious at the signs

He studied her for a moment before clearing his throat. “It was my pleasure, truly.”

They continued smiling at each other, there in the fading light of the evening, neither sure what to say or what to do, but feeling very warm. It was almost like if they moved, they would break the sort of spell that they were wrapped up in, and so both were reluctant to move even an inch.

“I’m Lyall.” he finally said, his voice soft. “Lyall Lupin.”

It was a name that suited him, she thought. “I’m Hope Howell.”

Carolina: dO YOU HEAR MY CRYING??? MY PRECIOUS BABIES

The man, Lyall, her mind supplied with a giddy jump of her heart, got to his feet and extended a hand down to her, which she accepted. Once they were both up and dusted off, Lyall rubbed at his neck. 

Carolina: *nervous boi is nervous around cute gal he just met 

[h e a r t e y e s]

Hope’s eyes snapped to trace the movement, but she immediately tried to act like she wasn’t blatantly staring. He grinned. Not wanting to embarrass her, he played it off that he hadn’t noticed. He had definitely noticed. 

Carolina: seeeee?? she thinks you're handsome and wonderful tooooo you've got a shot boy-o!

“Well, I think, Hope Howell, that it may be time to get you home. Would you mind if I escorted you there?” 

Carolina: *insert more happy crying here* WHAT A GENTLEMAN! PUT ON A RING ON IT, HOPE

Her cheeks flushed red as her name rolled off his tongue and she nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’d appreciate it.” 

So the two walked together, side by side, along the forest path. Hope couldn’t help but notice that the trees no longer appeared menacing and somehow everything seemed lighter. Even though the stars twinkled down at the both of them and the air was growing chilly, the two new acquaintances didn’t seem to mind. They seemed to be desperate to speak to each other and so they talked. And talked. And talked. Back and forth they asked questions and told stories about things they normally wouldn’t have said to someone they had just met. But they just had a feeling.

Carolina: THE FEELING IS LOVE IT'S OKAY YOU CAN SAY IT

Hope couldn’t remember a time when she had laughed so much. She had been pursued by multiple young men in university, and even Miles was now pushing for them to “see where things went”, as he so eloquently put it. However, none of them, not a single one, had the ability to make her feel as warm as Lyall Lupin did. For some reason, she felt as though he were looking at her and seeing more than anyone else ever had. 

Carolina: do you know that this sentence made my heart melt just a bit more???

Hope led them along the path back to her village, where her farmhouse sat on the outskirts, away from the main square. She almost wished it had taken them longer to arrive, but she tried not to seem too disappointed.

“Well, here we are,” she said, standing at the end of the walkway that led to her door. She didn’t want to bring him too close to the windows, in case her nosy mother were peering out. She had made it very clear that mothers had a seventh sense when their daughters brought home boys. Hope had laughed at the time, but currently, she wasn’t anxious to test that seventh sense out.

Carolina: jokes on u Hope - mOMS ALWAYS KNOW IT'S THEIR SUPER POWER! but also if hope not wanting to bring him closer a'int a mood lol

“Oh.” He seemed as reluctant to part as she was. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Hope.”

Carolina: oKAY NOW ASK HER OUT LYALL DO IT

Also Carolina: go on and kiss the girl (on her hand bc that's cute as heck and she is a lady, lyall lupin

“You as well.”

“Don’t go wandering around in the woods in the dark anymore, alright?” he quipped, eyes gleaming with amusement.

“Wouldn’t want to attract any more Boggarts, now would I?” she replied, teasingly.

Lyall started a bit at the word and then let out a laugh a second later. “Exactly.” 

Carolina: lmao he must have been TERRIFIED for a moment. "oh no i just broke the statute of secrecy" must have been his internal monologue for a moment there

They stood, staring at each other for a moment, that same warmth covering them, and both wished that this didn’t have to be goodbye.

“I should… probably get going.”

Carolina: oh my gosh...that reluctance...my inner hopeless romantic is scREAMING

Hope nodded, sure that her disappointment was clear, though she was attempting to play it off as tiredness. She did not succeed. Lyall turned to leave before stopping. In a second, he was facing her again.

“Would you mind if I came to see you again? Just to check up on you? Would that be alright?” he asked, nearly stumbling over his words and his barely concealed excuse.

A grin covered Hope’s face and she didn’t even care to try and hide it. “I’d really love that.”

He laughed, his grin matching hers. “Good. Then, I’ll see you soon, Hope Howell.”

“I’ll see you soon, Lyall Lupin.” 

Carolina: full names?? fULL NAMES?? BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP SAYING EACH OTHER'S NAMES??? HI YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU

She bit her lip, trying not to burst into excited giggles, because, really, that was so uncharacteristic of her. After a beat she turned and walked swiftly to the front door. When she reached the handle, she couldn’t help herself and turned to wave at him. He was still standing exactly where she had left him, watching her as she went. He wiggled his fingers in return and she sighed, content.

She pushed into the front room, feeling the warmth from the fireplace cover her in an instant. Everything was where it had been that morning. Her house was still her house, the couches and tables and blankets were all exactly where they had been before she left for Carreg. But she was different.

Lyall Lupin made her feel different.

Carolina: can you hear my squeals of delight over how gosh darn lovely their feelings for each other are???

“Is that you, calon bach?” came her mother’s voice drifting out from the kitchen.

“It’s me mam.”

“How was Carreg? Did you have a nice time?”

Hope bit her lip, shaking her head in disbelief as she remembered the warmth and compassion she had seen in the eyes of Lyall Lupin. 

Lyall Lupin. 

Lyall Lupin who wanted to see her again, just as much as she wanted to see him.

Carolina: i love that her thoughts keep going back to Lyall it's cute

Her hand drifted into her pocket and pulled out the small wrapped chocolate, the wrapper shining in the light of the living room. She turned it over and over in her hands, grateful for the anchor to reality, the promise the chocolate seemed to portray. It was a promise that Lyall Lupin was real. And he was going to come back to her.

Carolina: imma just go and say it. chocolate is incredibly important to the lupins as a family even before remus became a werewolf and i think that's wonderful because it just carries on into each aspect of their lives. i really like that you brought it back to the chocolate

“Yeah, mam. I had a real nice time,” came her belated reply and she stuffed the chocolate away again, heading toward the kitchen.

Lyall watched as the beautiful woman disappeared from his view and the door closed behind her. He couldn’t help the grin that covered his face. He must have looked nearly manic, going on so.

“The lads will never forgive me if I carry on like this,” he whispered with a laugh. And then, suddenly, the place where Lyall Lupin was standing was empty, the young man appearing to have evaporated into thin air. 

-

Okay, well. That’s part one. Lemme know if part two is of any interest to you. I mean, I’ll probably post it anyway, but whatever. I hope you enjoyed Carolina as much as I always do!

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

it’s taken me a while but here we are!! listened to bloodwater ballad [TUMBLR | SOUNDCLOUD] by @gerrydelano so I’m gonna dive (ha, dive, get it?) into some analysis even tho I haven’t taken a proper English class since AP English Lit in high school and the god complex it gave me has never left (RIP to everyone else, but I’m different). But I do have a degree in Psychology and am a Researcher, so I know how to dissect things (this is probably why the god complex never left lmao)

disclaimer: I have only listened to TMA through one (1), read it ONE time, so if you read something that seems wrong it probably is because my memory is not The Best (the seasons are 40 eps long and 30 mins each, Jonny why) and I’m probably straight-up not remembering or misremembering some aspect or detail about either a character and/or their relationship

(and before you say it, i absolutely CANNOT just go relisten to an ep out of order. my nd brain Will Not Let Me until i have listened thru all 4 seasons, In Order, several times)

ALSO: i speak very definitively here, but it doesn’t mean i’m right abt my analysis

bold and italics are lyrics, regular font is analysis. if there’s a more accessible way to format this, lmk!

analysis under cut

honesty that's what she gave to me mary didn’t hide who she was; eric knew exactly what he was getting himself into

into the water i bleed into the sea sea motif/metaphor to describe how eric viewed his relationship with mary

truthfully even when she lied through her teeth it only meant she trusted me to lay at her feet rationalization from eric: he knows she’s lying, and she probably knows he knows. but she also knows that he won’t do anything about it

oh, heave-ho it's over the edge i sink more of the sea metaphor in pieces in ribbons in tatters i'm thrown into the dark of the drink ribbons and tatters: reminiscent/hint of mary needing a piece of his skint to keep his ghost in the leitner

oh, heave-ho it's over the edge i go blow the man down, he's a jewel for your crown (blow me down) and no one will ever know ”jewel for your crown”: suggestive of how mary used eric like an object. jewel and crown suggests that he was useful to her in an important way, tho, still an object ”no one will ever know”: suggestive that no one else, looking in on their relationship, would even see it for what it truly was, nor would they ever expect mary to throw him away so casually like she did

war, you see is somewhere you go just to bleed the end of a book you can’t read (books you cannot read) a legacy’s greed “book you can’t read”: suggestive of mary’s relationship with leitners ”a legacy’s greed”: commentary of leitner; bc this is eric telling his story tho, this could also be about how mary pulled eric into her plots regarding leitners, and then gerry

distantly, familiar hope came to me that even with blood in our teeth my son stayed asleep ”even with blood in our teeth”: eric knows what role he had to play in all this and is not absolving himself of blame ”my son stayed asleep”: often sleeping can be used as a metaphor for ignorance. in this case, eric is hoping that, despite what gerry’s mother is and what eric has been complicit in, will not affect his son i think it’s interesting to note here that the backup voices cut out for “my son stayed asleep” (put a pin in it)

oh, heave-ho the ship is my body, i gave to my wife as the captain, the whip, and the brine, the shark lurking under the waves more of the sea metaphor; also a metaphor for how complicit eric was to mary’s will i think it’s super interesting that she’s the captain, whip, brine, and shark in this metaphor. all things that can hurt eric, as the ship. suggests that mary is in complete control of eric (as the captain). also adds to the notion that eric knew exactly who mary was and still loved her anyway (”i gave”).

oh, heave-ho the ship is my body, she cracks the mast of my spine, spills my blood as her wine (lightning strikes and) i really like this line bc it makes me think of the marriage lines in corpse bride: “your cup will never empty, for i will be your wine.” and i love that it’s turned on its head here. cuts a flag from the skin off my back (takes all the skin off my back) a direct callback to the fact that mary has to take strips of eric’s skin to keep his ghost in the leitner book, while also staying with the metaphor that eric is a ship out at sea

way, ay, i wanted to say though blinded i still saw the light at the end of the hall, in a crib with his eyes almost grayer than mine in the night direct callback to eric blinding himself, twice! also represents how much he loves his son: “light of my life” is a common saying and gerry was that for eric

i gave up the sight of his face for his life and i would have lost more for the same i'd cut out my heart to save his from her bite and i almost don't know who to blame again, direct callback to him blinding himself so he could escape the institute a demonstration of how much love he holds for his son, willing to give up more and more of himself if it meant keeping his son safe heart motif! both for eric and gerry i really like the last line here bc he’s saying he doesn’t know who to blame for his blindness (aka cutting out his heart): himself or mary. bc, as i’ve stated before, eric knows who mary is. and he still loves her. still had a child with her. i also think it’s foreshadowing. and the reason i say this is bc, in the end, eric was unable to save gerry from mary. this song is representative of his statement to gertrude, so at this point, he’s a ghost. tho he may not know exactly what mary has done, he knows who she is enough to know that after he died, mary would raise gerry in her likeness, with her ideals

is it a murder if i made my bed by her side when i knew what she was? and here we have eric, most nearly explicitly, stating that he knew mary’s true colors. and loved her anyway. perhaps i'm complicit; i fell asleep first in the bloodcutting comfort of jaws this also solidifies his stance that he should shoulder some of the blame for allowing himself to love her when he knew what a truly terrible and deadly (literally) person she was ”bloodcutting comfort of jaws” is also really nice alliteration

forgive me, forgive me, i did try to swim with my hands and feet bound to my heart heart motif! okay so this one has so many layers for me: so, for all intents and purposes here, eric has effectively cut out his heart, which his hands and feet are bound to, and is now in the jaws of a shark (mary), who is dragging him down to kill him. he tried to save his son by getting away from the institute by blinding himself but it didn’t work weighted and anchored with love for my son who by birthright deserves more than scars legit, this confused me for a bit bc i always saw “with my hands and feet bound to my heart” as the anchor that pulled him down, as you’d weigh someone down with big rocks if you wanted them to drown. however, in the context of tma, i realized anchor could also mean the way martin is jon’s anchor. eric’s love for gerry was his reason--the person who he kept fighting for as best he could

additional note: these 4 verses are all sung without backup voices. i think it’s interesting that the lyrics/verses that revolve around wanting to save his son, and that are about his son, are sung with his singular voice. i wish i could articulate more what that means, but despite my best efforts, i’m not musically inclined even tho i’ll kinda be talking abt music composition for firesorrow girl lmao. link at the end

my eulogy the carpet red under my feet like standing on top of the sea (standing on the sea) the frenzy beneath don’t ask me why but i really like how this last part of the song starts with “my eulogy” bc you can tell the song is coming to a close now by that lyric. what’s really nice is i can “picture” eric closing his statement with gertrude with the request that she finds his son more sea and shark metaphors

infamy how do you remember me? that fool just so desperate to leave that he couldn't see? i also really loved these lines bc eric most likely knows how gertrude thought of him, and can probably sense how she feels of him now, after his story then i love how “couldn’t see” has a double-meaning here: 1) of course, he blinded himself but, 2) that he was also metaphorically blind to what kind of consequences his actions had, both on him and his son

oh, heave-ho a dead man has only one tale listen,,, i know i keep saying this, but i love how ron turns turn-of-phrases on their heads. bc “dead men tell no tales” right? eric has one tale, tho: his statement bc he’s a ghost who’s been bound this book and kept, for all intents and purpose, alive i knew she had hunger for blood in the water and that means it was no betrayal again, confirmation that eric knows that he has to shoulder some of the blame for the consequences of knowing who mary was (this bloodthirsty shark) and still loving her anyway

oh, heave-ho though, i have one request of you now if my son can be found and his own hands unbound (find my son) cut the rope - don't you dare let him drown (don’t you dare be the reason he drowns) so a throwback to “hands and feet bound to my heart” tho perhaps gerry’s heart isn’t what’s dragging him down, necessarily bc he was raised by mary, he didn’t have a choice. the moment he was born, he was tied to her. and the moment mary killed eric, there was no chance he could get away and then, of course, the gut-puncher: “don’t you dare let him drown”/“don’t your dare be the reason he drowns” are especially poignant, given gertrude uses gerry much in the same way mary did. gerry becomes bound to a different entity and is used for gertrude’s gain. so he drowns anyway.

--

alkjdlf i hope this is semi-coherent. i tried to do it more “professionally”--i even thought abt breaking it up and putting it back together, out of order, to address all the themes and motifs all in one spot--but then decided what would be best for my brain, was to listen to the song and just add my thoughts in as they came, stream of consciousness style *finger guns*

firesorrow girl analysis | meme i made for these analyses bc it’s funny and i wanted to share

[trensu]

Episode 32: The One where the Moonlit Rooftop BETRAYS Us

Remember how the last episode brutally tore the heart right out of our collective chest?

Well get ready to dial that pain up to ELEVEN BC THIS TIME AROUND THEY RIP THE HEART RIGHT OUT OF US AND THEN CRUSHES IT BENEATH THEIR HEEL

And i can’t even skip most of it!! Bc it is crucially important to know what state of mind our beloved sunshine boy is in for everything to make sense!! 

Especially for what’s going to happen in the next episode!

So we HAVE TO SUFFER. THERE’S NO WAY AROUND IT.

We start our episode at the super fun jin ancestral hall in lanling where jyl is mourning the death of her husband!!

Enjoy this bc this is literally the least painful moment in the entire episode!!!

My precious sunshine boy is lurking behind a pillar, guilt-ridden and alone

He can’t get any nearer bc of the guilt

But he can’t stay away bc that’s his sister, his most precious person

Too bad madam jin spots him

AND THEN JYL SEES HIM AND STARTS CRYING

WWX’S FACE HERE, OH GOD, I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT

STRICKEN? HEARTBROKEN? DESPAIRING?? WHATEVER IT IS, IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY

So he flees, he can’t face his sister, not when he’s the reason she’s grieving

We’re in the middle of a forest again! It’s even less fun than the last time we were in the forest!

MY DARLING WWX IS HALLUCINATING

HE’S HALLUCINATING HIS SISTER

HE’S SO DESPERATE FOR ANY SCRAP OF KINDNESS OR AFFECTION HERE. 

HE’S SO ALONE.

THE RESENTFUL ENERGY IS TAUNTING HIM “LET US OUT, LET US HELP YOU. YOU CAN ONLY RELY ON US”

HE’S SCREAMING BACK AT THEM, “GET LOST, GET LOST, LEAVE ME ALONE”

IT’S AWFUL. I WANNA DIE.

Now we’re at Qishan, listening to a bunch of cultivators gossip

Again.

The Wens’ bodies are hanging from rafters, all out on display in the open

Because slaughtering them wasn’t horrifying enough, they had to humiliate them after death too. Fucking jin clan.

Wwx appears behind the group and scares the shit out of them (GOOD)

He calmly pulls out his demon flute and starts playing

Within three notes he’s got the entire group of gossips pinned to the ground. Then he played a little extra just for kicks.

THAT’S MY BOY, SHOW ‘EM WHO’S BOSS

Now he’s like, why’d y’all stop talking? Weren’t you saying how you were gonna stop me?

And some idiot rando is like, you think you’re hot shit bully us weaklings?? You should go fight the clan leaders at their big celebration.

Wwx starts to choke him out bc he’s annoying him but wwx gives us this epic line

“Every injustice has its perpetrator.”

And he ditches those basic bitches to hunt down the guys that killed his people

Now we’re watching all this pompous sect leaders celebrating the murder of innocent lives, but we’re not gonna get into it bc they piss me off and nobody needs to pay attention to jgs’s speeches ever

Although i will mention that lxc and jc both look very conflicted at the events that are going down

HANGUANG JUN!!!

We’re back with the basic bitches and lwj appears!!

Lwj: where is wei ying?

Of course his first words in the episode are about wei ying. 

And they’re all aw, you just missed him bro, he left about an hour ago 

Lwj: where did he go?

And they’re like, Nightless City to hang out with the sect leaders!

Lwj’s face here is just, Worry and Dread. 

We’re back with the sect leaders. Jgs is talking again

Thankfully, wwx interrupts him with his mental breakdown!!

AND HE INTERRUPTS BY SHOWING UP ON A MOONLIT ROOFTOP

MOONLIT ROOFTOP, HOW COULD YOU??

YOU WERE SO KIND TO US BEFORE!! WE TRUSTED YOU!! WE LOVED YOU!!!

WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US THIS WAY??

Jgs: what are you doing here?

Wwx: why can’t i be here? don’t you guys want me here? I’m saving you the effort of hunting me down!

Then there’s a lot of back and forth with rando cultivators throwing accusations at him and wwx making Valid Points left and right

As we all know, Valid Points don’t make a smidge of difference against the incredibly stupid and obstinate. 

We won’t get into too much detail here bc it honestly doesn’t even matter what they’re saying, but there are a couple cool lines that i wanted to include

Somebody says something about him having a grudge against Jin Zixun a year ago

Wwx: Little characters like him i forget in 3 days, much less a year.

Which, like, LOL bc he’s right, jz was an insignificant little worm except worms are good for soil so he’s MORE insignificant than a little worm (i’m sorry worms, i shouldn’t have insulted you that way!!)

Later somebody says something about how they had admired wwx before but now they hate him

Wwx: Both your hatred and admiration is so cheap!

WE DO GET A COOL SCENE HERE THO

Some basic bitch shoots him with an arrow and it hits him right in the chest

Wwx barely even flinches

He tears that arrow right back out and covers it with resentful energy

Then LITERALLY THROWS IT BACK AT THE GUY WHO SHOT HIM AND PIERCES HIS CHEST

IT WAS AWESOME

And then he gives us another cool line.

Someone calls him vicious for shooting the guy who shot him before and he says “you’re already branding me as someone who uses wicked tricks, you can’t be counting on my mercy to let it go, right?”

It’s basically a whole ‘you want a bad guy? I’LL SHOW YOU A BAD GUY’ moment. Which looks cool, right, but is also super upsetting bc THIS IS MY PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY

MY PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY WHO ONLY EVER WANTED TO PROTECT THE WEAK AND DEFENSELESS

Now there’s a battle breaking out! Between the cultivators and the resentful spirits wwx summons 

WWX LOOKS SICK AF PLAYING HIS DEMON FLUTE AND SUMMONING SPIRITS, LIKE ALWAYS.

But we don’t care about this battle.

This battle doesn’t matter. Even if it does look pretty cool.

Because all the important stuff happens on rooftops, as we already know.

And on the rooftop WE SUDDENLY HAVE LWJ SHOW UP WITH HIS GUQIN

HE’S PLAYING MAGIC MUSIC.

HE’S FACING DOWN WWX.

Wwx: lan zhan, you’re here. You should have known i’d be immune to the Song of Clarity

Lwj whooshes his guqin away.

Wwx: lan zhan, i knew one day we were gonna have a real fight.

anD WWX STARTS PLAYING HIS DEMON FLUTE AGAINST LWJ

LWJ DRAWS BICHEN AND STARTS DIVING SWORD FIRST TOWARDS WWX

AND EVERYTHING HURTS

WWX SLAMS HIM BACK WITH RESENTFUL ENERGY BUT LWJ PUSHES RIGHT BACK

Lwj: wei ying, stop it!

Wwx doesn’t respond. In fact, he’s kept his eyes closed and unresponsive since he started playing his flute, PROBABLY BC HE CAN’T BEAR TO WATCH HIMSELF ATTACK HIS SOULMATE

I ALSO CAN’T BEAR TO WATCH HIM ATTACK HIS SOULMATE BUT HERE I AM WATCHING BC APPARENTLY I ENJOY SUFFERING

Lwj: wei ying, stop it now!

Wwx: lan zhan, do you think i have any other choice now?

Lwj: the situation has changed!

Wwx: what?

Lwj: trust me. It’s not that simple.

Wwx: what do you mean?

But before we can get any answers or clues or anything useful, we get interrupted by jyl’s voice crying “a-xian!”

And thus begins the world’s WORST, MOST PAINFUL GAME OF MARCO POLO EVER

Because jyl is on the battlefield, still in her mourning robes. And she’s calling for her brothers. 

Both jc and wwx hear her and instantly start looking for her

Wwx ditches the rooftop (and lwj with it), gives up his high ground and dives into the battlefield to look for his sister

He gets attacked by some cultivators and we hear the strum of a guqin

Lwj followed him! And defended him against attacks, BC THAT’S WHAT HE DOES FOR HIS SOULMATE. THAT’S HIS WHOLE THING.

Lwj: wei ying, your flute!

What he means is, keep playing, i’ll protect you from attacks while you get to your sister

And wwx starts playing again, bc EVEN AFTER he and lwj fought one another with all they had, he still trusts lwj

Jyl, jc, and wwx all take turns calling each other’s names. MY YUNMENG SIBS ARE TRYING TO REUNITE

Meanwhile we see lwj flitting about the edges of the screen blocking attacks left and right, and keeping wwx safe

SUDDENLY, we hear the sound of a second flute pierce the air! And the puppets get more vicious. WWX IS NO LONGER IN CONTROL

Btw, apparently, we the audience are the only ones who can hear this second flute BC NOBODY ON-SCREEN SEEMS TO QUESTION THE FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING EVEN WHEN WWX VERY OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T HAVE THE FLUTE AT HIS MOUTH TO PLAY IT

IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. I THOUGHT THESE CULTIVATORS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEWHAT INTELLIGENT BUT NOTHING THEY’VE DONE EVER SHOWS THIS

And oh fuck, once the second flute takes over the puppets we get the SAD BACKGROUND MUSIC FROM “THE ONES WHERE WE GROSS SOB FOREVER”

FUCK

I CAN’T 

I’VE BEEN FUCKING PAVLOV’D TO INSTANT TEARS AT THIS MUSIC, DAMN IT ALL.

NOOOO, NONONONONO I’M NOT READY, I’M NOT READY, I’M NOT READY

The yunmeng sibs are still crying out for each other as this Sad Music plays aND I JUST CAN’T.

They finally set eyes on one another, only to see a puppet come up behind jyl

Jc is begging wwx to stop the puppet bc he thinks wwx is still in control

Wwx is so desperate here that he doesn’t even use his flute, he just starts SCREAMING at the puppet to stop, “GO AWAY, DON’T TOUCH HER”

And lwj sees this all happening! He follows wwx’s line of sight and sees that jyl is about to get cut down by a puppet

LWJ SEES THIS AND IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO GO TO HER AID

BC HE KNOWS JYL IS WWX’S PRECIOUS PERSON. TO PROTECT HER IS TO PROTECT WWX’S HEART

Also i like to think that lwj and jyl bonded over their love for wwx way back in “the one where jyl captains the ship” so he’d want to protect his friend anyway

But he gets intercepted by two other puppets who attack him and keep him stalled far away from jyl and wwx 

FUCK

WHY

GOD DAMN IT

The puppet cuts down jyl from behind

AND IT FUCKING HURTS ME IN THE DEEPEST PART MY SOUL

And wwx is in a state of shock bc HIS SISTER, HIS BELOVED SISTER IS HURT, HIS SISTER IS HURT

Wwx makes a mad dash towards her

But Lwj intercepts him and says “wei ying, stop your puppets! Stop them!”

Wwx doesn’t listen to him. He flings lwj’s arm away and keeps running

Wwx finally makes it to where jyl fell, where she’s now being cradled in jc’s arms

Wwx reaches for her but jc shoves him away

Jc: you said you could control them, you said there was no problem

He’s not even really yelling here, but his voice is all cracked, hoarse, and pained

Wwx: it’s not me, i don’t know! i didn’t make them kill people, why can’t i control them? I lost control of them!

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

I’M HURTING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

I’M SICK OF CRYING, SHOW, I’M SICK OF IT. PLEASE STOP. WHY MUST YOU HURT ME

Jyl is still alive!

Jyl: a-xian, xianxian

She reaches and puts her hand on the side of his face

Jyl: you ran so fast, i didn’t have enough time to look at you and talk to you

AND I’M FUCKING SOBBING BC SHE SOUNDS SO WEAK AND WWX HAS TEARS STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE AND EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS

Jyl: i wanted to tell you--

But she doesn’t get to finish that sentence bc she sees someone aiming for wwx’s back and she shoves him out of the way to protect him

She gets a sword to the chest

And the rando cultivator holding the sword is all it’s not my fault, i was aiming for you, wwx this is your fault!

FUCK YOU RANDO CULTIVATOR FUCK YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL

Wwx starts to choke him out, which is good bc i wanted to do that myself too

And jc is sobbing, rocking his sister’s body

AND THIS IS WHERE THE EPISODE ENDS

WHAT

THE 

FUCK

NO, I CNA’T, I CAN’T, I’M HURTING SO MUCH, COME BACK AND MAKE IT BETTER GOD DAMN IT

I HAVE NO MORE TISSUES!! TISSUES ARE CURRENTLY A HOT COMMODITY, I CAN’T JUST GO OUT AND BUY MORE

FUCK, JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE. I CNA’T ANYMORE.

Return to Masterpost

[sbooksbowm]

Weekly Wrap-Up - 2 October

Look who is procrastinating editing the bookbinders chapter! This kid. The main body is written, but I’m trying to work in some theoretical background in the introduction to do the academicky-thing of nodding to the other writers who have laid the groundwork for this kind of research. I’m speed-reading Leah Price’s What We Talk About When We Talk About Books and trying to scrounge together some information on Jessica Pressman’s forthcoming Bookishness: Loving Books in a Digital Age, both of which foreground a lot of the points I make about the tensions between digital and print forms of texts. 

New Approach to the Weekly Wrap-Ups!

I’m only 2.5 weeks out from turning in this dissertation, so as I move away from giving regular updates about my research, I’m going to change the form of the weekly format to compile all of the things I posted about, recommend, and am thinking about in one place. That way, if you’re ever wondering ‘what is sbooks up to?’, you can go to my research masterpost and click on my weekly wrap-ups to get quick access to fun links and lukewarm takes.

Things I posted about

Casey Fiesler’s (@cfiesler) awesome video about fan migration, the oral explanation of her most recent article with Brianna Dym. This is totally worth the 30-minute watch, and Fiesler does an amazing job of tracking the history of fannish media alongside the impetuses of fan migration

a reflection on why fans are the most likely to think critically and expansively about the media they consume, in response to the criticism that fans are content with just consuming the same story over and over again (which is true, but not without reason)

Things I recommend 

Riley J. Dennis’s Case for the Legend of Korra, which is an excellent elaboration on some popular pro-Korra arguments against the naysayers of the sequel series. I love that Riley talks about Korra’s journey towards humanization via healing from trauma, which is something I think many viewers feel affirmed by.  

Penguin Cafe Orchestra’s 'The Sound of Someone You Love Who’s Going Away and It Doesn’t Matter’. What a title! And it really does sound like it.

Things I’ve been thinking about

Takeaways on writing: This has been a week of revisions, with some serious cutting and clarifying. My advisor pointed out that as I am a newbie academic writer, I still rely a lot on quotations instead of paraphrasing my sources for support, rather than evidence. Rephrasing a lot of quotations opened up a lot of room for my own argument. This process made me think a lot about writing guidance in middle school and high school, wherein I was trained to use quotations as evidence rather than as support. Anyone else learn this? That the more people who agree with you, the more right your argument is, instead of drawing from original or revisiting primary evidence and using previous writing as a framework for analysis? It’s a pretty bad habit! And it makes us reliant on regurgitating other work rather than working through our own arguments and examining how they align or disalign with others. Graduate school has been one long re-learning process on writing...and I studied writing in uni. 

Different kinds of fan spaces: I hang out, actively participate, and lurk in a variety of fan spaces, mostly in the form of Discord servers (my love) and Facebook groups (bane of my existence). And I’m in a lot of fan spaces for different media: TV shows, books, comics, podcasts, even fan platforms. Though this has been said elsewhere, the difference in attitude and behavior of fans depending on the type of space (and whether fans are masked by a pseudonym or not) is fascinating to me! I’m in one enormous Facebook group dedicated to television show, and without fail, every single post ends up with the comments off because the discourse gets too heated. This behavior is almost definitely a function of:

the impersonal size of the group. In my favorite Discord servers, the smaller size makes the conversation more personable and friendlier (I know these people! I’m not going to harangue them!), and,  

affirmational versus transformational fandom: affirmational fans tend to work within the confines of canon, and so when they disagree over the interpretation of canonical elements, the conversation turns to facts (’no, this is how it happened in season 12, episode 472’) over feelings (’this happened once in the spin-off comic and I’m cool w extrapolating this bc I wanna feel warm and fuzzy inside’). Transformational fans are less canon-restricted and perhaps more lenient, and are probably more likely to silo themselves in fan spaces with agreed-upon interpretations (e.g. I’m in a few dedicated shipping servers, and I know other shipping servers exist, but I won’t bother myself with them, because that’s not my cup of tea, so I’ll just save myself the trouble). 

This isn’t to say that affirmational fans won’t break off from the main group and form their own interpretive communities, but I think affirmational fans are more likely to want to be a part of the “official” fan spaces, because they are interested in the “official” story. 

This is anecdotal conjecture, but I wonder, have you seen differences in fan behavior depending on the fannish space you’re in? I’d love to hear about other fan-space-specific experiences!

[theshinsun]

A-Z for honesty hour because I'm an asshole. :D

A - If I’m in love.

...yes. I never thought I would be again, I thought I’d been too hurt and jaded to feel this way again, but against all odds, I’m back to being 17 in full force.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

The only one who ever calls me is my mother. And customers at work.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

damn, almost a year now… not since my last relationship ended back in October-ish. even then, it was mostly casual pecks idk if we ever seriously made out tbh.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls.

already answered (twice) but I'll keep going… I've got a definite preference of guys over girls, but I'm also a bi disaster and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense why this person is instantly attractive to me while that person isn't. certain aspects of femininity do appeal to me, but weirdly other aspects seem to be a turn-off and I can't always put my finger on what or why. ...that caveat does not apply to masculinity though, even if it's traditionally "masculine" features on a feminine-presenting individual I am 100% down every time.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

two and a half? I got a third piercing at some point halfway up the lobe but it got infected and scarred over I think. the holes I do have are also stretched (I'm up to 0G now) and I've been meaning to get some more.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

wasn't given any options, so I guess I'll go with hot or cold lol. I prefer hot, I'm one of those weirdos who loves summer because of the heat and I'll usually take a hot food/drink over a cold one.

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

my mom, over the phone just now.

H - The last person I hugged.

my roommate. we're not always super touchy-feely with each other but I've been feeling kind of down and she noticed.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

I'm not usually a very jealous person, but the last time I really felt that way… I'd recently broken up with my ex, and they were sitting on someone else's lap and I… felt things. part of the reason I realized I may have made a mistake.

J - Are you insecure. What about?

K - What my full name is

already answered, my first and middle are Jacob Brooks, I'm not putting my last name out there sorry I don't trust like that.

L - If I have siblings.

already answered, I've got two, an older brother and a younger sister.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I mean, I forgive but I don't forget, ya know? like I'll accept an apology if it's sincere and welcome the person back and never bring it up again, but I'm probably gonna be cautious around them in the future, and not trust them as readily as I would have before.  

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

if I call someone my friend it means I really feel close with them, and I treat my friends basically like my family. I try to always be honest and supportive of them, bc I love and appreciate them and just want them to be happy. 

O - If I like my school.

I love my school. the campus is beautiful, the teachers are fantastic, and I just love being there and learning and growing in my classes. I'm really sad this semester is probably going to be mostly online because I really feel like I belong in those studios and on that campus and I miss it.

P - What kind of music I like.

already answered, and it mostly boiled down to all over the fuckin place, so this time… band recommendations, here we go. no you have no say in this.

here, have a clump of random favorite bands off the top of my head: mother mother, bad suns, nothing but thieves, hozier, shearwater, the neighbourhood, steam powered giraffe, rainbow kitten surprise, the oh hellos, gregory alan isakov, caravan palace, mystery skulls, khai dreams, autoheart, muse, silversun pickups, thousand foot krutch, two door cinema club, twenty one pilots, blue october, jukebox the ghost

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

I'm not a partier at All, but I did have a bunch of friends over for the 4th (okay I say a bunch but it was like four people from our usual less-socially distant circle). I have no idea when the next get-together will be, it's kinda hard to plan those kinds of things lately.

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

the phrasing of this question is weird but I'm gonna assume it means things I'm curious about? let's go with that.

travel. I haven't ever been out of the country and I'd like to see other parts of the world at least at some point in my life.

tattoos. both getting them and learning to do them, it's a niche branch of art that I'm just fascinated by and I might like to do it as a career if I knew more about it.

same thing with being a florist. I'm really drawn to it as a concept and I'm super curious how it works, but I have no idea what kind of… qualifications and whatnot I'd need for that.

 surfing. I'm surrounded by the lifestyle and now kind of own a surfboard, I just want to know what the appeal is.

this may be a bit tmi, but I'm really curious what it's like to have a dick. I don't suppose I'll strictly ever know, but I still really want to… probably one of the biggest things to clue me in that I'm definitely trans is the literal penis envy ngl. 

I've always kind of had a fascination with the ocean, and I'd love to go like, scuba diving or something someday, to see it up close and personal.

I think everyone has the impulse thought of shaving their head at some point. maybe someday I will I don't quite have the balls to do it now.

I've gone this long in my life and never wielded a sword? a travesty. I don't pretend to have the grace to actually know how to use one, but I've like, never even held a real one and the idea interests me a lot.

this one might be slightly morbid curiosity, but I don't think I've ever been like, properly drunk or high before, like I've been tipsy but I've never been wasted, you know? the idea kind of scares me and I don't think I'm going to go out and remedy it, but it's still there, and even if I know it's not a good idea, I do still wonder what that's like.

same vein, maybe even a little darker, but I've got at least a little morbid curiosity about like, death and real danger. again, not planning to act on it At All, but the thought is still lurking in the back of my mind like what if…? you asked for honesty.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

S - 2 habits.

bit of a new habit, but I have a whole ritual of disinfecting groceries when I bring them home, and then disinfecting the door knobs and counters. I don't know if it'll persist after the pandemic is over, but it's already ingrained in me and I don't feel comfortable if I skip it or do  it differently.

I apologize for things that aren't my fault. it's such an instinct at this point to say "sorry" when I'm uncomfortable or anxious that it doesn't even register anymore, even when people tell me not to be sorry, I'm still gonna say it, sorry.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

already answered so here's 5 more

my family. if I haven't got my family I haven't got anything, we've got each others' backs and I won't turn on them for anything

my friends. same deal, I owe so much to my friends, I love them, and that won't change no matter what they decide to do or be.

sleep. I love sleep so much, even if it's just an involuntary nap, though for someone who loves it so much I sure don't get enough of it

spotify. I know it has problems, I know there are probably more streamlined/cheaper music streaming services out there, but at this point, I've sunk too much of my time and energy into this one and I'll never give it up

my ocs. I don't talk about them very much on this platform, but I have them, they're my children, and I love them even if they're assholes and never easy to write/draw. 

U - How many texts I send daily.

already answered, the number varies, and sometimes swings drastically between like, 5 and 35 on any given day.

V - 3 big dreams.

graduate art school. it's gonna be a serious undertaking and probably take several more years and a lot of loans at this point, but I'm still determined to get there someday.

someday I want to write a book. I know I've said that before on a different prompt, but it wouldn't be a list of dreams without including this one that I've held onto since childhood. 

this one's kind of vague, but someday… I want to not be afraid anymore. like I want to finally be in a state of mental/financial security so I can live my life without the fear of what's coming next. 

W - An idol.

it's probably really basic to list a youtuber, but I've still gotta go with Chase Ross. the guy was an inspiration and a major source of information and support for me early-on in my transition, and even watching him now I still want to approach life with the pure positive energy and confidence that he has. 

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

yes. a couple things, really… some of which I don't think I'll ever be able to make up for.

Y - If I like my town and why.

my current town? yeah, it's got its problems but it's also beautiful and full of life and art and unique energy and I miss the days before the Corona End Times when I could actually go out and enjoy it.

Z - Ask any question you want.

??? I did not receive any specification for this one, and given that I didn't skip even the duplicate answers and this is ridiculously long, this one I'm gonna SKIP.