#I’ll scold whoever hurt you! my love deserves only the most comforting experiences after such a hurtful situation

[rnm-magic-space-xsd]

Imagine your usually quite cold or grumpy f/o coming to you for comfort. They tend to keep to themselves but something happened today that made them need support, and of course they went to you. They often don't express a lot of their emotions but today they show you it all raw and even enjoy getting a hug from you

[blackberry-gingham]

hello! 💕 i love your writing so much, your imagines are always so well done. and i was wondering if you could do an imagine abt the boys finding out and comforting you abt your self harm (it’s always been kind of a touchy subject to me and i’d love to see how you think they’d react) much love 💕✌🏻

TW: Mentions of Self Harm/Cutting and Blood

Hm, well I can try... I'm going to be honest, this is a little gritty for me and I don't really have much experience with this topic aside from personal stories from those around me, but I'll do my best.

These imagines are going to focus basically 100% on the boys reactions and how they'd care for you, so it won't be like super in depth on the actual self injury.

Oh and one last thing, I don't think I could be comfortable posting this without giving the reader the ending they deserve for a scenario as serious as this, so if you notice the endings are a bit repetitive, just know that's intentional.

---

George

The first thing he smells is the blood

He was on his way to relieve himself, when the stench of it flooded his nostrils, even from down the hall

Immediately George jumps into fight or flight mode, his heart beating in his ears

The only other person in the flat is you

He calls your name, urgently, but not yelling just yet

The door is on a crack when George arrives

You did it on purpose. You know you want to be found, but you don't know what to say...

George knocks gently and calls your name again, "Is everything alright?"

All this time you've been trying to pull yourself together, but the concern in his voice breaks you

"G-george...", You trail off sobbing bitterly

It's all the permission to enter he needs

You're curled up into yourself, sitting in the tub. It's empty, but George's razor is laying on the side

Sobs wrack your half naked body and all George can think to do is hold you

He climbs into the tub with you, paying no mind as the drops of blood stain his dress pants

"I'm here, I'm here..."

George holds you in a tight hug and lets you cry into his shirt

He notices the open cuts along your flesh and suddenly he puts two and two together

However, he doesn't say anything about it, instead he waits until you've calmed down a bit

Once you're ready he helps you up and sits you on the toilet

As gently and respectfully as he can, he asks what's going on

George gives you time, and you work up the courage to talk to him about it as he dresses your wounds

He listens to everything you have to say, and when you're all cleaned up, he does everything he can to make sure you're taken care of and as relaxed as can be

Once you're asleep, George shoots John a call and asks for advice on how to best help you

John advises that he should've taken you to a doctor if the wounds were that bad, but George promises to try and ask you to go in the morning

It takes a lot of courage from you, but you agree to get your injuries seen

Once at the doctor, they recommend some therapists for you

George encourages you to get the treatment you deserve, and does anything at all that he can to support you through the process

John

It's the end of a long day, and John has just freshened up for bed

But first, he's off to take his medication and grab a cup of water, just like every night

He approaches the kitchen, then slows down to listen

There's a distinct hissing and grunting coming from around the corner

At first he's just confused

He knows it must be you, but what on earth are you up to?

John turns the corner and flips on the light, and that's when his heart drops

You're leaning against the counter and the utensil drawer is open

In your hand is a steel steak knife

It's dripping blood

You're entire arm is covered in gashes, and you don't look very well

John doesn't waste a minute on words, instead he jumps right to action

He restraints you in a bear hug, pinning your arms to your side

Probably not the best reaction he could've picked, but he simply can't risk you doing anything that might make you lose more blood

You drop the knife and scream, your knees buckling under you

You're hurting

Ashamed

Frustrated

Afraid...

You burst into a violent fit of sobs, shaking so badly, John has to readjust his grip

He sinks slowly to the floor with you and you lean against him limply

John does his best to give you some reasurance, and tell you that everything will be alright, but he knows you can't stay here

In a flash, he grabs his boots, wallet, and keys and takes you to the hospital

You lose consciousness on the way there, but luckily with some fluids and a blood transfusion, you pull through

John waits a few days until you're healed to talk about that night with you

He's gentle and careful about his words, but he implores you to give therapy a try

You absolutely deserve it after all

He recommends the one he sees, but of course you can have anyone you wish

John does everything he can to support you in your healing journey and helps you see it though

Paul

After a day of recording Paul comes home on the look for you

He's got a nice little evening planned, maybe a movie and some takeaway to unwind

What he wasn't expecting, was to hear you sobbing and screaming behind a locked bedroom door

He calls your name, and pounds on the door, terrified that someone is in there with you, hurting you

You don't respond, only continuing to cry

Paul can't wait any longer, you need him now

His first instinct is to try and break the door down

He give a few shoulder charges, but to his frantic frustration, it doesn't seem to be doing much

"Paul, stop!"

At last you speak and Paul obeys

Tears are already streaming down his eyes, he's so scared and confused for you

Hesitantly, you unlock the door, terrified and ashamed to reveal your secret

There's a bit of blood coming from your scalp, and little patches of your hair are missing

More blood can be found under your nails, and that's when Paul notices the scratches on your arms

You don't say anything, instead more tears escape you as you quietly cry

But you don't have to say a word, Paul figures out what he needs to himself

He takes you in his arms and consoles you until you know you're safe

Paul's spent enough time hearing about John's therapy sessions to have a decent education on things of this sort

He asks if he can take you to a doctor, just to make sure nothing gets infected and that your injuries can be properly treated

You agree and get taken care of, but before you're cleared to go home, you and Paul discuss therapy options with the doctor

There's plenty of options for you to take a route to healing that you're most comfortable with, and Paul is proud of you every day and every step, for being strong enough to get the help you deserve

Ringo

All Ringo can see is how terrified and in pain you are

He doesn't notice the cuts and the blood until after

And by that point, he feels hysterical with anxiety

He's so overwhelmed with both the desperate desire to help you, and the crushing confusion of what to do that he's frozen

After a moment, he snaps out of it and rushes to your side

He's crying nearly as much as you are, which understandably only makes you twice as upset

Ringo asks you what he can do, desperate for some sort of guidance

But you can't respond, you're too overwhelmed yourself

For now, he resorts to just holding you

It's the only thing he can do to try and calm himself and not upset you any more then he already has

Once he's had some time to collect himself and think, he does his best to help with your wounds

He's already ruined his shirt with blood, so screw it

He takes it off and tears it into bandages, administering them where needed and talking to you all the while

It takes longer then you'd have liked, but eventually you're able to calm down, even after the stress Ringo unintentionally put on you

"There now", Ringo's voice is shaking, but he's doing all he can to keep it together for you

He's finished apply his shirt bandages, "You need a proper doctor love... Do you think you can do that?"

You bite your lip, trying to hold back another bout of tears, but you nod

That's all Ringo needs to hear

He helps you up and takes you straight to the doctor

While you're being treated, he calls the lads, whoever will listen, and tries to get reasurance that he did this right

John scolds him for upsetting you, but otherwise tells him he was right to get you a proper doctor

Before he hangs up, he strongly advises Ringo to, gently, ask you about seeing a therapist

Ringo swears it, and holds to his word, making sure to stay calm and be respectful of your emotional state when he asks

You decide that that is what you want, and the two of you discuss local practicioners with the doctor

All the while that you're on your healing journey, Ringo does everything he can to educate himself on anxiety, depression, and triggers in order to be more helpful for you along the way and in the future

[extreme-close-up-woooaah]

breakfast club headcanons V

andrew - first things first i think that we can all agree that this man is in fact a jean cuffer, he’s a bi man - he had braces from 7th grade to junior year and gets very embarrassed of  precious old photos of younger him - okay so, i need to elaborate on this boys family life, it’s insane - this boy is brothers with the kid in the police office in ferris buellers day off (his name is garth volbeck) and they have a sister named judy because garth mentions her - yes i did this because they are brothers irl and have different last names irl (but for different reasons)  - and their parents divorced a year before the breakfast club so their mother (a very sweet lady who loves her kids no matter what and respects them, she can also bake and she taught andrew to respect woman) she already moved out into another house in another neighborhood - so andrew lives with his dad sadly, and has a hard time escaping it all, garth is in between everything and judy lives with their mother by choice because of obvious reasons - okay hopefully ya’ll understand that :) - next things next this man (even out of my au) grows up to be a librarian - the story to how that happened is kind of upsetting, i don’t want anyone to feel in any way triggered or upset by this so... T W: don’t read if sensitive to stuff like verbal abuse - after highschool he got into a college for wrestling and did his thing and then after that he got onto the wrestling team his dad coaches - andrew had joined but it had drained him, his mental health was deteriorating to say the least - eventually he started to feel pain in his knee but his father kept pushing him and pushing him until he couldn’t take it anymore - he knee gave out  - i’m not educated enough to say why but all i know is that he couldn’t wrestle anymore and was useless in his fathers eyes - his father said very mean things to him and left him at a telephone booth with very little money, enough to get a burger at a mcdonalds, he called garth - asked him to take him to the hospital, he was shaky on the phone but his brother understood and came to pick him up - the ride was completely silent and understandably so, but andrew ended up crying in the passenger seat, he was kind of cold too  T W over: enjoy the rest :) - uh soooo ONCE AGAIN i am NOT educated enough to say what happened to his knee but he ended up having some chronic knee thing and it was only going to get worse and he needed a knee brace for it  - he ends up staying at garth and his boyfriends house (sorry to anyone who thinks brian should just be on his own, me and my bf ship brian and garth like a couple of dorks U-U so please do ignore it if you don’t like it or think of them as roommates :>)  - he ended up getting a job at the local library and he was pretty good at it, this library in particular was very safe and a tame - perfect, so he ended up getting the money from it and a small loan from his brother and getting his own apartment eventually  - he built his life back up and he’d end up in a comfortable house with a cat and perhaps a husband or wife A H E M bENDer - okay now on to the good stuff, lead your mind back to kindergarten - when he was younger he liked the colors pink and purple and he likes blue omg bi pride  but he ended up getting scolded for it from his dad so he vowed his whole life to hate those three things because he thought this was the normal way to live - which would explain why he’d say he hates cats but then meet one or even own one and get crazy attached to it and even name it - him and his brother wrestled around a lot but when it came to their sister they’d never hurt her, she (age: 3) was BRUTAL to them, they all look back and laugh on it later - he’s a middle child but oddly he crushes the idea of middle child syndrome because he gets too much unwanted attention from his dad, garth is two years older, his sister is three years under - in middle school he was kinda awkward and even in highschool wasn’t the most popular kid, he was good at wrestling and considered to be the best of them but girls liked the louder ones better, he’s kind of quiet - he’s got “terrible taste” in clothes according to the entirety of the breakfast club, he dresses like an old man when he’s older, but like an ancient man like me  like full on plaid pants blue shirt tan cardigan kinda thingy - when he’s younger he stays sporty on days where he has a meet but some days my man wears a yucky polo and plaid pants and a big belt once again some ugly old man stuff that i’d wear - he’s a door mat, push over, he cannot say no and that’s one of his main issues NOT PROJECTION but like me 😎 - he’s extremely polite and tries his best at being nice and respectful toward everyone but when it comes to standing up for himself in particular against people who aren’t specifically bender, he’s lost and kinda just ignores it and lets it happen - bender finally gets him to snap cause andrew wouldn’t let anyone hurt his friends or even just a person in general - he’s a little on edge for the rest of his time in detention - ya’ll okay sorry bout this, but the breakfast club is just a group of stuffed animal hoarders, he’s got a regular old teddy bear at his MOMS house so it’s safe :) - lil spoon  - cozy man wears sweaters - OH he’s super short, not a headcanon, HECK its not projection, i just enjoy the fact that he’s short and blonde like meee :} lets appreciate the tiny boy shall we? - his letterman is a size too big because he was told he’d grow into it, he is cozy - he’s at his happiest when he’s a. with his friends b. on a chair with a cat or c. outside in autumn time  - bender makes andrew a small angry bi whenever he’s around, andrew has a lot of pent up anger and he’s a little uptight and bender shakes him loose and gets him annoyed and then continues to baby voice him about how much he loves him in a funny sorta way, mostly when they were younger - andy and allison are super close and tell each other almost everything, they have coffee together and talk about how everything is every now and then, more often when they’re older - benders strong so he’ll give everyone piggy backs, usually he surprise attacks andy tho and picks him up, or if they walk home all together after school, whoevers tired, if its andrew he’ll be gentle in that circumstance - brian and andrew like books, one grows up to be an author and the other a librarian, and once andy discovers his book in his library he smiles and checks it out to read - claire and andy are closer when they’re older, they talk about their shared experiences as a kid and how they ended up where they are and they talk about how lucky they are compared to others - when they were younger claire used to try and show the boys style, bender is already a fashionista but claire picks out some cool ties for him with wacky designs on them, he wears those to work when he’s older - brian enjoys it but only to buy a pair of new shoes, perhaps some loafers and a cool button up - claire has to pick out clothes for andy because andy doesn’t know what he likes quite yet, claire ends up teaching him how to cuff his jeans and :)))))) okay i’ll stop - around christmas, andrew gets the worst gifts, he tries so so hard but he can never seem to get it right, bender gets a kick out of it :}  - in the au they have a cat named mr.ravioli because bender made raviolis and the cat began to feast on them without them knowing so they decided that’d be his name i’ll stop here but it’s not the last part of this series of headcanons, i will write more, some future ones being for all of them together, and then a fbdo bttf pretty in pink cross over where all the cool kidz hang together!! sorry this was so long ;<; i didn’t mean to absolutely pour out my heart but i love andrew and he deserves some headcanons :} i hope their not too bad ;w;

[killingmebtob]

I Have To Go // Lee Changsub

Title: I Have To Go

Author: @killingmebtob // Sara

Characters: Changsub and Reader

Rating: G

Summary: I wanted to turn back, to run back. I couldn’t because I also had a duty to fulfill as a soldier of this country.

Author’s Note: I’ve finished it! Hoorah! I hope you like it. I miss Changsub. AND HE LOOKS SO GOOD IN THE PHOTO. It also inspired this thing you’re about to read.

---

One of the things that give us a sense of pride is our duty to our country. Just like most of us, that duty continuously motivates me to push myself harder while performing my mandatory service. It was one of the things we learned in training camp: to put our all into what we were being trained to become not only for ourselves but also for our loved ones and our country.

But it wasn’t easy.

Trainings were not just physically exhausting but mentally as well. Staying away from our families and friends made the experience more difficult as well. Communication with them was rare. There were days when we wanted to call home to feel reenergized and to hear how they were doing to pull us through our toughest days but we weren’t allowed to do so. That’s why we cherished our vacation leaves. It was the only time that we truly get to spend with them.

However, everything started to change.

What was once a peaceful land became one that was subjected to war.

Every waking moment became riddled with fear. Fear for our country, fear for our families, and fear for our fellow soldiers. Underneath it all, even if most of us tried not to show it, there was also a fear for ourselves and our assignments. Fear that we might never get to see the people we cared for.

With a war ongoing, none of us knew if and when we were going to be called out to the frontlines. We may be serving a mandatory service but we’re still part of the country’s military power. We may not be the first in line to head out onto the battlefield but we were on the list. It was just a matter of time until we were going to be called out. No one was safe from it.

As the number of soldiers in our camp lessened, it was getting harder to keep holding on to my sense of duty. Many times, I’ve wanted to pack my things and head to the confines of my home. Many times, I wanted to rip off the patches on my uniform and leave my military life behind.

Then it came in the form of a letter.

Wobbly and sweaty hands opened the sealed crisp envelope. My heartbeat was drumming loudly in my ears. I thought that it was going to jump out of my chest with how fast it was beating. A shaky breath escaped my lips as I pulled a crisp, white paper out.

//

I thought that I was ready. I assumed that I’ve conditioned myself and my mind enough for what was happening. However, no amount of preparation could’ve prepared me for the world of pain that I had to endure. The moment she shakily opened her mouth as tears started forming in her eyes, my world had collapsed.

I wanted to hold her, to assure her that it was going to be okay—that I was going to be okay—but I couldn’t. I stood frozen because I knew no words could ever take away the fear and the pain that she was experiencing.

“Why?” She finally found her voice. It shook and it was almost inaudible. I wouldn’t have heard her if not for the silence that was wrapped around us. “Why you? Why does it have to be you?”

The only thing I could do was lower my head. I didn’t know why and even if I did have the answer, I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to say it and break her even more. All I knew was it was something irreversible, unless an unforeseen event occurs.

“It’s my duty,” I replied but to my ears, it was as if I was convincing myself. My usual conviction and pride weren’t there. At that moment, the word duty felt too much to carry on my shoulders. “It’s my duty as a soldier of this country.” I continued but even that statement was mechanical.

“Duty?” She scoffed. “Then what about your duty to me? To your family? You’re just going to set it aside because your country called on you? Are we less important than your country? You’re only serving mandatory service and you’re about to finish in a few months!”

I could feel her anger and her fear seeping through her words, no matter how selfish they sounded. They were like knives digging into my skin and deep into my bones. I knew that she didn’t mean to compare. I knew that the words coming from her lips were becoming unfiltered the more we stood in our living room.

“I have to go,”

“That’s all you can say? You’re not even going to try to appeal to whoever decided to send you out?” She ran her fingers through her hair as she started to pace in front of me. Her lips twisted into a frown, eyes confused and frantic.

“I don’t want to leave you and my family but I have to go. Please, you have to understand that I’m doing this so I can help protect this country, most importantly you.”

That statement about protection that we were repeatedly taught and told had been so deeply engrained in my soul that it was the only thing I could defend myself with. Yet, it left a bitter taste on my tongue.

“You don’t have to go to the frontlines to protect me!” she raised her voice. “You also have to understand that I’d rather have you here safe and away from the battlefield. There are so many other people who can go in your place. It doesn’t have to be you.”

I kept silent as I watched her start biting on her nails. I wanted to reach out to her and hold her still. I wanted to hold her tightly and closely to my chest but the moment I took a step closer, her hardened eyes shifted to me, making my knees lock. She continued to pace.

“You know that I can’t do anything about their decision,” I pleaded with her. It was my last saving grace in this situation. I was desperate to get her to understand that I was just following what my superiors told me to do. After all, who was I to go against their orders? I may be serving mandatory service but that didn’t exempt me from my title as a soldier.

“Have you even tried?!” At that, she stopped walking and faced me. “Huh? Have you tried, Changsub?”

I bit my tongue, not wanting to say anything wrong. I was threading on thin ice and one wrong statement would break that surface.

She sighed in exasperation as she shook her head. “I can’t believe this,” she uttered. “When are they making you leave?”

In three days, my mind answered but my lips were sewn shut. If she knew that I was getting deployed on Monday, she would break. However, I couldn’t hide that from her. She had to know. She deserved to know. Then maybe we can spend the rest of the days cherishing the last few moments we had together until I return.

…If I return.

“When?” She continued to press.

I deeply exhaled and shakily answered, “Monday.”

A flurry of emotions crossed her features as we stared at each other. Neither of us spoke a word for a full minute. Neither made a move nor a sound. Then she scoffed and rolled her eyes. With a shake of her head, she turned her back towards me.

“I can’t do this,” she stated and walked towards the couch. I kept my eyes on her slouched figure that sat quietly. Once in a while, she would heavily sigh.

My gut twisted and my heart clenched in pain. I could barely feel anything aside from that. I was lost. I didn’t know what to tell her to make it better because I knew that there was nothing I could say that would make her feel at ease. Despite having no words for her, I moved to sit beside her but she scooted a few inches away.

A sigh left my lips as I did my best not to let it get to me.

“Hey,” I softly and gently called as I reached for her hand. I laced our fingers together and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You know I’ll come back, right?”

The glare I received made me shut my mouth. She even withdrew her hand from mine and crossed her arms tightly before looking away. I silently scolded myself, knowing that I was being insensitive with my statement. With a shake of my head, I tried again.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Silence.

“Are you hungry?”

No response.

“Do you want to go to the bookstore?”

It was our favorite spot in our small city so I was holding onto a small bit of hope that she would respond. But she didn’t. She kept her body turned away from me. All I could do was rub the back of my neck as I thought of what I else I could try.

“Ice cream?” I started to name all the different comfort food that she usually consumed but it was the same. I received no response.

Part of me was annoyed. I knew she was scared but so was I. She wasn’t the only one suffering from this situation. I knew I was leaving so many people behind with no assurance that I’d come back safely. However, I acknowledged the fact that acting out on her attitude and getting mad wouldn’t do us well. I’ve wanted to spend the next few days I have making different memories with her that would last for a long time. I didn’t want to spend it fighting.

“I know that this is difficult to accept. I know because it’s also a hard pill for me to swallow. I’m sorry if I came across as insensitive to how you’re feeling. I just don’t know how to go about this. I know you don’t want me to go. I don’t either but I also have a duty to our country. I’m afraid. I’m terrified but this is something that I have to do.”

She didn’t say a word as she continued to keep her back towards me. I couldn’t see the emotions in her eyes.

“It’s been a long journey coming home.” I tried to sound as if I wasn’t hurting inside. “I’ll take a rest first and let you think, okay?”

Slowly, I reached for her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze of reassurance that she could talk to me about whatever it was that was going on in her head—her fears, her doubts, everything. However, I acknowledge the fact that she needed some time to think things through as well. She needed her own space.

With one last sigh, I silently made my way to our room.

I did my best to sleep after changing into more comfortable clothes but all I could do was lie on our bed and stare at the dull ceiling. My body was physically exhausted but my mind was bouncing and juggling different thoughts all around. I’ve tried closing my eyes and wishing for sleep to overcome me but all I could see behind my eyelids was her saddened eyes. Bored, I turned to the side and faced my bedside drawer.

The dog tag that I wore every day since I graduated from military training sat silently on top of it. It was something I continuously wore with pride.

Then my gaze moved to a framed photo standing behind it. The frame held a photo of us sitting side-by-side on the floor of a library, our backs against the shelf, and our noses buried in two different books. It was a photo taken by a friend of ours back when we were in our last year of college. The memory was a little hazy but the warmth I felt in my chest every time I looked at it told me that it was a good and happy one.

Her question kept ringing in my ear.

Have you even tried, Changsub?

What could I do though? Pretend to get into an accident and have myself confined in a hospital until they don’t need any more soldier deployed?

I know that I didn’t try but I’ve seen fellow soldier who have and none of them ever came with good news. If anything, the frowns on their faces deepened as if they’ve been given more burden to carry.

Slightly, I shook my head and tried to sleep once more. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in that way but when I blinked my eyes open, there was no more light filtering through the window and I was lying on my back. The room had turned dark, minus the light coming from the opened bedroom door.

I noticed how the whole house was still silent. I shifted, getting ready to stand, when I felt the weight of another body curled up against my side. In the dark, I was slowly starting to see her figure as my eyes adjusted. Carefully, I turned a little to my side so that I could see her better.

Her eyes were gently closed, her lips slightly parted, as she deeply breathed in and out. One of her arms was lightly draped across my torso. I smiled at how peaceful she looked. It was a complete 180-degree turn from her distraught features earlier.

Lightly, I ran my fingers through the soft strands of her hair.

If only we could stay like this. If only I didn’t have to go. Different kinds of fear struck my heart as I absent-mindedly continued brushing her hair with my fingers.

What if I get injured? What if I lose a leg, a foot, a limb, or any kind of body part? What if I get caught as a prisoner of war? What if we get sent off to a distant place where there were barely any supplies?

What if I get caught in a rain of bullet? In a grenade’s explosion?

What if I couldn’t go back home?

What if I die?

The thoughts made me freeze, the cold slowly prickling my skin and my insides.

It was only when I felt her small hand gently circle my wrist that I realized I had stopped my movements. My eyes, which were filled with fear, gazed down towards her curious ones. The frown that was pulling down at her lips told me that she had an idea of what was going through my head. Before she could even say anything, I gave her a small smile.

“Seeing that you’ve snuggled up to me while I was sleeping,” I teased. My lips were slowly pulling up into a smirk. “Is it safe to assume that you’re going to talk to me now?”

She rolled her eyes, pulling at my wrist to remove my hand from her hair. I watched as she pushed herself up to sit before crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her cheeks were a bit puffed, her eyes cast towards the side. In a low voice, she said, “I still don’t understand why you, of all people, have to go.”

Piece by piece, I could feel my heart breaking.

“But,” she continued. “I do understand that there are things out of our control. I’m sorry for acting the way I did earlier.”

I shook my head as I shifted on the bed so that I could sit up and lean back on the headboard. “You don’t have to say sorry. There’s nothing to apologize for,” I assured her.

Only a hint of a smile made its way to her lips before she asked, “Is the offer to go for ice cream still available?”

It was adorable how she shyly asked. I couldn’t fight how my lips pulled up just to one side in an amused smile. “Oh, now you want ice cream?”

Her nostrils flared as she pouted. “Fine. Let’s not go for ice cream,” she huffed before crawling off of the bed. However, before she even got to move away, I had leaned forward to grab onto her forearm.

“Not so fast.” I chuckled before tugging at her arm to pull her towards me. She whined and made sounds of protests as I held her to me, her back against my chest. When I had secured my arms around her waist and brushed the tip my nose against the crook of her neck, she deeply inhaled and held her breath, her body stiff.

“C-Changsub,” another whine but it was obviously forced. I could almost hear how her heart was pounding wildly.

I didn’t say anything and just breathed against her skin. I took in the way she smelled and tried to embed it into my memory as much as I could. I did my best to memorize how her body felt against mine as we stayed in that position. Gradually, I could feel her stiff body loosening and molding into mine.

“Let’s have ice cream later,” I mumbled, closing my eyes and just relishing the moment. I knew that when this weekend was over, neither of us would know when this could happen again. “I want to stay like this for now,” I whispered against the exposed skin of her neck before slowly peppering butterfly kisses on it.

She let out a shaky breath and slowly nodded her head. “Okay,” she squeaked out softly and adjusted herself so that she laid comfortably against my chest.

----

They were right. The days you want to last forever pass by quickly. Part of me refused to believe that it was already Sunday evening. Even if we’ve done so many things and visited so many places over the past days, it still doesn’t feel enough. I still wanted more time to spend with her. There were still so many things I wanted to do with her.

“What’s the first thing you want to do together when you get back?” She softly asked, her eyes locked on mine as we lay on the bed facing each other.

“I want to spend it at home, with you,” I honestly told her. “And rest. Take a long sleep.”

“And what am I supposed to do while you’re sleeping?”

“Sleep?”

She rolled her eyes at that. “So, the first day you come back, we’re both going to sleep? Nice.” I didn’t miss the sarcastic tone laced in her words.

I gently smiled. “We can do all the things you want to do after I sleep. Is there anywhere you want to go?”

She thought about it, her lips pouted a little like a kid. “Coffee shop. While you’re away, I’m going to go to different coffee shops and try everything I can. When you get back, I’ll take you to the best ones I find. Bookstores too!”

I nodded at her, keeping the smile on my lips. She kept on listing down the places she wanted us to visit together. Slowly and little by little, my heart ached the more she continued. Her eyes shone with hope.

I didn’t want to disappoint her but I also didn’t want to put a damper onto her mood. The only thing I could do was to hold onto those places and make them a motivation for me to get out alive and to get back to her.

“Changsub? Are you still listening?” She huffed.

“Of course.”

“Really? Then what was the last thing I said?”

Nervously, I laughed. “Coffee shop,” I sheepishly replied.

The girl in front of me groaned as she shook her head. With a sigh, she uttered, “I knew it. You and your love for coffee.”

I moved so that I could stretch out my hands and hold hers. “Whatever it is you want to do and whatever place you want to go to, I’ll go with you. I promise,” I warmly stated, meaning each and every word of it despite the uncertainty of my return. “I’ll come back and we’ll do all the things you want to do together.”

She gazed up at me for a long time. Neither of us said a word. The only time the silence broke was when she sighed.

“Make sure you come back, okay?”

I smiled but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I had to fight the frown that was threatening to pull down at my lips. “Of course,” I whispered. “I’ll come back. I promise.”

“Okay.”

Even if we both knew that there was no certainty, we both relished in that promise that may or may not be empty in the end.

“You should go to sleep. We have to go to the pier early tomorrow,” I told her when I realized that it was almost close to midnight. She had wanted to send me off even when I told her that she didn’t need to. But I folded in when her eyes reflected disappointment and sadness. Even if it would be difficult for the both of us, I ended up agreeing in the end.

“I don’t want to,” she mumbled like a kid. “I’m not sleepy.”

“Your eyes say otherwise,” I mused. “I know you’re tired. We’ve had a long day.”

“I don’t want to yet. I want to spend more time with you,” she shyly mumbled, a blush dusting her cheeks.

“We can sleep together.”

“Do things while awake!” She rolled her eyes. I laughed.

“Okay,” I caved in. “Reruns of your favorite show?”

Eagerly she nodded her head, the tiredness in her eyes fading away. She quickly jumped out of bed and made her way out of the bedroom. Fondly, my eyes trailed after her before I moved. I brought along with me our blanket.

I found her sitting with her legs crossed under her on the couch. The television was on and she was searching for her favorite episode.

“Come on,” she urged. “I found it.”

Smiling to myself, I situated myself next to her and wrapped the blanked around us from behind. I relaxed back onto the couch, my arm draped around her shoulder underneath the blanket. She moved so that she could easily lean her head on my shoulder.

“You better not fall asleep on me,” she threatened.

“I’m pretty sure you’ll end up falling asleep first.”

---

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep until the stiffness around my neck woke me up. It was a little disorienting at first to wake up on the couch, with the television still blaring brightly as it continued to show episodes of the show. It took a while for my eyes to adjust thanks to the light.

I glanced to my side to see that she had fallen asleep as well. Her arms were lightly wrapped around my torso, her legs above mine and parallel to the couch, and her head was rested against my chest.

I took in the sight of her sleeping face. I memorized it all.

In the dark, I whispered how sorry I was for having to leave her alone, for having to be away for a longer period of time, and for bringing fear and uncertainty of my return.

The past few days have been filled with memories I would cherish forever and the following ones would be filled with yearning to be home and back into her arms. I was afraid, I admitted it to her yesterday. She was too but she told me that she believed that I’ll be back home before I knew it. Before both of us knew it.

She’d wait.

I’d wait as well.

I couldn’t sleep afterwards even when I moved us both to the bedroom. She had shifted when I moved her but she was back in her comfortable sleep. I just sat there, watching her. Even then, time seemed to have moved quickly. She started stirring awake.

“Good morning.” She lazily smiled.

“Good morning to you too, sleepy head.”

“Did I fall asleep? Who fell asleep first?” Her voice was still laced with sleep as she yawned through her words.

“I don’t really remember,” I admitted. “Breakfast?”

“Yes, please.”

We moved quietly. There was a solemn air around us. We both knew what was coming but neither of us talked about it vocally. However, our actions screamed how much we would miss each other.

Hands would often brush against each other. Hands holding onto and tightly grasping the other’s. Hugs that felt like an eternity. Smiles and frowns shared in between meals and short conversations.

Even when we were on our way to the pier, neither of us spoke that much. I could feel how tense she was with her sweaty palms. Her eyes would keep on darting back and forth, never staying on one point for a long time. She would keep on chewing down on her lip as well.

All I could do was hold onto her hand tightly.

“We’re here,” I whispered as the bus stopped in the pier’s terminal.

Silently, she nodded. She didn’t look up at me. Even as the bus stopped, she kept her gaze down. People were starting to unload the bus but we were unmoving.

“Hey,” I whispered, releasing her hand so that I could cup her face and gently turn her towards me.

“I don’t want you to go,” she brokenly stated. I knew there was a lump in her throat at how she forced those words. “Changsub, please.”

I silently sighed out her name as I pulled her towards me, her face pressed against my shoulder. I kept on apologizing to her in my head for putting her in this kind of situation. Slowly, I rubbed her back up and down as I felt her shoulders start to heave up and down. Muffled sobs reached my ears, urging me to hold onto her tighter.

Don’t cry, please. I wanted to plead selfishly. Over the past days, it was only now that she had openly showed her tears.

My chest was tightening as well but I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to cry because I knew it would be harder for the both of us. I had to be strong for her.

“I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. It took a few more moments for her to calm down.

“I’m okay.” She sighed and pulled her self away. “Come on.” She stood up before smiling down at me.

My heart was in pieces but I had to move. I wore my backpack and we both went down, dreading each step.

There were soldiers and families scattered all around. You could hear the loud cries of both adults and children as they let their loved ones go. All the while as we walked, I held tightly onto her hand. If only I could keep on holding it, I would’ve.

We stopped at a relatively less crowded area. We both stood, hand-in-hand, facing the warship that I was going to board along with the other soldiers. Neither of us said a word. I felt like I couldn’t without breaking.

“You promised, remember? That you’ll come back,” she mumbled loud enough for me to hear. “You have to make good with that promise, all right?”

I glanced towards her but she kept her eyes forward.

“When you come back, we’ll visit your parents. Then we’ll visit mine. We’ll go to the different coffee shops I’ll discover while you’re away. So, you have to come back. You have to come back to me,” her voice trailed off at the end before she finally turned to me.

Tears filled her eyes but she was doing her best to keep them at bay. I noted how her shoulders rose and fell deeply.

I nodded my head at the empty promise. “You have to make sure that their coffee is great.”

A small smile. “Of course.”

We were silent once again.

I could feel my free hand twitching, wanting to hold onto her for as much as I could. A deep breath passed my lungs before I pulled her towards my chest. Tightly, I held onto her; one hand on her back and one hand on the back of her head.

“Take care of yourself. Don’t skip your meals and don’t sleep so late. I know that there will be days when work will be tough but please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sorry that I won’t be able to be there with you physically and even through the phone. I’m sorry that I have to leave you like this,” I poured out.

I felt her wrap her arms around me under my backpack, her hand grasping onto the back of my uniform.

“Stop talking like you’re not coming back.” Her voice was muffled against my chest.

I dryly laughed. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry so much about me. I’ll be okay,” she said, peering up at me as she moved back a little. Our arms were still around each other.

I looked into her eyes for a long time before I firmly nodded. We both tried to smile at each other encouragingly but there were times when we ended up grimacing. Still, it gave a small sense of comfort.

Gently, my hand on the back of her head moved towards the side of her face to cup her cheek. My thumb moved in slow circles, rubbing at her skin. Slowly, I lowered myself, my forehead touching with hers.

I watched as she slowly closed her eyes and leaned a little upwards. Just by a tiny bit, her arms had tightened around me. With my hand on her back, I pulled her towards me once again as I finally place my lips on hers. Eyes closing the moment her soft lips were against my own.

Neither of us rushed. Neither of us cared about everyone else around.

I engraved into my mind how her lips moved with mine and how she seemed to have filled all my senses with her taste, her smell, and the feel of her lips. My chest felt like it was about to burst from the emotions I was keeping inside added with those that she was making me feel through the kiss. Everything she didn’t say, she poured out into the gesture.

Hesitantly, we both pulled away a little.

The deep sound of the ship’s horn loudly rang through the air. It was time to go.

“I guess this is it,” she whispered.

Neither of us wanted to let go. If anything, she held onto my uniform a little more.

“I guess so.” I sighed, blinking my eyes open only to see her staring up at me.

“You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

I shortly nodded.

The horn rang once more. I could also hear the shuffling of boots on the cement. The cries were getting louder as well.

“You have to go,” she said but she didn’t move away.

“With how you’re holding onto my uniform, I don’t think I’ll be able to,” I teased her a little, making her laugh just a bit.

“Is it that obvious that I don’t want you to go?”

I pretended to think about it for a while. “Not so much.” I grinned before leaning down once more to kiss her for probably one last time in a long while. This time, my lips moved more fervently.

“I love you,” I whispered against her mouth when we had pulled away. “I’ll always love you, no matter how far away I am.”

I watched her smile. “I know. I love you too. As much as I want you to stay, I have to let you go now.”

We wrapped our arms around each other for one last time before we stepped away. Slowly, I walked backwards, my eyes still glued onto her. With her finger, she gestured for me to turn around so that I wouldn’t bump into anyone.

A sad smile showed on both of our faces. I stopped and gave her a salute. Even from where I stood, I clearly saw how she bit down on her lip before she nodded. She mouthed the words ‘I love you’ as I placed my hand down.

With that, I turned and started to walk along with my fellow soldiers. I wanted to turn back, to run back, and to go to some place far away. I couldn’t because I also had a duty to fulfill as a soldier of this country.

But I allowed myself one last look at where I left her. She was still there and she kept her eyes on me. Grandly, she waved her hand so that I could see. I nodded at her in acknowledgement but I couldn’t bring myself to smile anymore.

I faced forward once again, walking towards the ship that would bring us to the war zone. None of us knew who was going to come back and who was going to die on the battlefield. It could be the person in front of me or beside me. It could be me.

Just like how we were taught, all of us had to put up a brave front for the people we were leaving behind on this pier.