#I’ll check what it’s called in a bit but it’s often like induced schizophrenia

[padawansuggest]

Yoda: *has been microdosing his water tank in his apartment with Space Datura (Spatura) seeds for a month because it’s like weed to him and passes the time in council meetings*

Qui-Gon: *climbs into Yoda’s apartment through the balcony with a manic expression on his face*

Yoda: A problem, you have, grandpadawan?

Qui-Gon: *doesn’t realize his tea was laced yesterday when he came over to talk with Yoda and stole his drink before Yoda could warn him* THE TEMPLE IS FULL OF GHOSTS AND THEY HATE ME AND WISH ME HARM!

Yoda: 👁️👄👁️ …thrash me, the healers will. Break all my bones, I am sure. Call them, I will anyways 😔

AU where Jango time travels, saves Jaster, and accidentally becomes Dooku’s controversially young boytoy and accidentally convinces him to become Obi-Wan’s master when he meets the 10 year old in the temple while avoiding Jaster in the archives and gets attached to Smolbi-Wan. He is now a stepdad. Fuck. Jaster keeps stealing the kiddo while Jango is getting his back blown out by a sorta former Sith.

[dee-nda-blog]

surviving withdrawal symptoms: day 1-6

okay so i have thought about it and i decided to make a simple journal of how i (barely) survived the first week of withdrawal symptoms from cipralex (escitalopram) dan abilify (aripiprazole).

- basic data

what i took: cipralex (escitalopram) as antidepressant and abilify (aripiprazole) as antipsychotic - occasionally clobazam as anti-anxiety and sleep inducer (but i dont really take this prior to withdrawing the first 2 drugs, but still)

how long i took them: abilify for almost 5 years, cipralex for a bit more than 3 years, clobazam for ~3 months

why i took them: basically in 2012 i was diagnosed with schizophrenia with the main reason was audio hallucination, and was prescribed to abilify with increasing dosage for months, and peaked at 25 mg/day (10 mg in the morning, 15 mg at night). after that i lowered the dosage and went off cold turkey in early 2014 because i thought i was getting better. however, later that year, my family had some issues that hit me hard enough that i was admitted to another psychiatrist in the city where i stayed for uni. the diagnose changed into major depression with psychotic symptoms (as i showed some tendency of being psychotic, but not severe enough to be schizophrenic). at this, i was prescribed to both cipralex and abilify. in late 2016, i had some sleeping issues and was prescribed to clobazam, which i only took for about 3 months as i thought the issue is not too disturbing to my daily life.

what issues did i have while consuming them: weight gain (like, i gained so many kilos i would rather not mention how many), gastrointestinal problems, sleeping problems, suicidal thoughts now and then (and the bravery to actually attempt some)

what benefit i gained after consuming them: my mood was kept in check almost the whole time (except prior to my decision to withdraw, i was in a very vulnerable state), i was able to function nearly normal most of the days

why i decided to stop taking them: expensive. they ruin my body slowly. i become slightly attached to them. i know i have said this but it’s fucking expensive i’d rather not spend any money on this anymore.

day 1-3 / 29.04.17 - 01.05.17

still not feeling any changes. i guess it’s because i still had it on my blood? idk, but from what i remember, i don’t really feel any change in my body. emotionally, i just felt kind of lacking motivation to do anything, and don’t have the will to interact to everyone. i had shut down my internet, leaving my worried dad thinking i might have done something dangerous. i didn’t.

at the end of day 3, i started experiencing brain zap and my body started to realize that something was off.

day 4 / 02.05.17

this day was pure physical torture. i hardly could move, as i would get brain zaps now and then. it happened so often, that sometimes i’d fall when i walk from the bed and the bathroom (fyi it’s only 4 steps away). my mind was hazy almost all the time (i remembered i answered my mom’s message on my group chat). my emotion was very unstable, sometimes i just felt empty and emotionless, the next thing i know i’d be a crying mess. not even ounce of happiness i felt on this day. i started to get very hungry from time to time, and craved salty foods very much. i would eat until i felt sick and vomit everything i just ate. my mouth felt very, very dry that it had hurt. i became too sensitive at light, so i never turn on my bedroom’s lamp until this very second (yes i am typing this in darkness and only have light from my laptop and bathroom). i tried to drink water as much as possible. i started to curse at everything and was very, very irritable.

at the end of day 4, i couldn’t seem to organize my thoughts very well, as i found myself rambling about nonsense things or spoke in a very distracted manner. my mind was all over the place and i couldn’t pick it all up and was very frustrated at this. i could hardly concentrate or focus at anything. i became very confused at simple things and that stressed me a lot. i had cried before i slept because i was hungry (it sounds silly but yes, it did happen).

one thing that was good that happen this day was having one of my housemate taking care of me by buying me lots of water. i had difficulties of explaining what is happening to me, and i don’t know if she understands what i’m going through, but i sincerely feel very grateful to her. you know who you are.

day 5 / 03.05.17

i had taken sleeping pills before i slept at day 4 (because i was hungry), so i woke up a bit later than i usually did. i had called my mom in the morning after i woke up and was a crying mess without a reason. my crying spell was worsening. i’d talk normally as i could but tears kept streaming down my face. i was very sorry that my mom had to witness that kind of state of myself, but i had no one to turn to. some suicidal thoughts had started to creep on my mind, but i was still sober enough to shrug them off. in the afternoon, my mood had become a bit better with some crying spells here and there, even i was able to joke around with my mom. i actually took proper bath and ate some vegetables and was feeling very drowsy. the brain zap still occured but not as much, but i started to get severe tremors and felt numbness at the tip of my fingers.

at the end of day 5, i took a sleeping pill again as i was being restless and all i wanted was to supress everything down to a sleep.

day 6 / 04.05.17

today i woke up at 6, drank juice and ate some vegetable, and unknowingly fell back asleep as the sleeping pill was still working. today the brain zap has lessened but not so much, but still, i think it’s a progress. i braved myself to go out to buy some water, but it was so hot and all, and i think it’s because i haven’t exposed to strong light and all that thing that happens outside my room, i felt very dizzy and started to regret my decision to go out. i was out of breath and i was hella tired even though all i did was only 15 minutes of being outside (and buying foods and water, but still).

i didn’t sleep as much today, but my body felt very, very sore. i wanted to move as much as i can to get my blood regulates normally, but i’d get dizzy everytime i stand up even with 5 minutes of sitting before i did so. i got very tired doing everything, even just lying down. i can’t seem to think properly, and as i’m typing this i had to type and retype everything so it would at least readable to whoever who’s going to read this. actually, this is one of my attempt to properly organize my thoughts. if you are never grateful of your mind actually think everything in order, please do. it’s so frustrating to have your mind betrays you, even worse if your body makes an alliance with your mind. if you think you had control over your body and mind, please be thankful.

it’s close to 9 p.m right now, and i think i won’t take any sleeping pills tonight. i will continue to write tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on, until i (hopefully) can be free of this withdrawal symptoms. some people said it’d take weeks, months, or even years, but i’ll try to write as much as i can. i just hope my fingers will always be able to type everything (because even now it just freezes every 5 minutes).

cheers!