#I’ll always be on the boat that jackie was just was shitty of a friend to Donna (possibly even more) to Donna as Donna was to her

[nikkiruncks]

Zenmasters is still my otp and while I do prefer enemies to lovers over best friends to lovers, I prefer Formciotti simply because I like Eric and Donna as characters more than Jackie and Hyde.

[xpouii]

JSE Day 11: Tie

Day 11 of the JSE artists prompts 2019 by @septic-bella​

**All previous entries are available on AO3 under the title “Mayhem” with my same username.**

Warnings: MAJOR suicide themes, self hatred and depression

           The hospital room was dark and quiet, and Chase felt at odds with himself. Something wasn’t right. Everyone else had suffered physical trauma, some of it permanently damaging, and yet Chase had been left completely alone. Was it because his psyche was already broken? Life was already half over for him, or maybe Anti was looking for Stacy and the kids. Henrik had no idea where his own family was—on purpose—after the last incident where Anti had possessed him. Chase had always been more selfish, blinded by the desire to see his children, to try and make it work with Stacy. It could still work, right?

               Please, Chase. Stacy knows what a child you are. The only thing you ever did was make those idiotic videos for your defunct YouTube channel that was just a laughing stock for ex-Viners anyway. Commentators made double the revenue from your videos that you ever did and Stacy had to work full time just to cover your ass. The kids had to have a different shitty agency babysitter every evening and twice Stacy caught one of them stealing from the house. You could never be home on time, and the kids were lucky if they saw you once or twice a week. You’ve always been the worst parent and the worst husband.

          You never matured past twelve years old and now you’re the big weepy equivalent of a drunk toddler. All you ever do is vomit, shake and complain. At least when you were drunk you were sort of funny half the time. Now you’re the least entertaining person in this entire city and that’s saying a lot. You’re a pathetic, worthless spineless worm, unworthy of being called a man, a husband, a father—you’re barely human. You massive failure. There’s so little appealing about you that it’s a shock any of the others will even give you the time of day. It’s why you always have the feeling Marvin doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like trash. Jackie is constantly worrying about you, and Henrik just wishes you would die and get it over with so he can go back to treating patients he cares about. Jameson, well, he’s the worst of all. He pities you. You’re the most pathetic person he’s ever met and he can think of nothing better to do than just tell you what you want to hear and wait for you to leave the room.

          If you aren’t careful, you’ll end up a sad, stupid puddle all alone and praying for death a long time before it comes. Once you’re sober do you think your depression will just go away? You’re gonna have to get on Henrik’s pills and they’re gonna make you tired all the time or jittery and your dick won’t work—not that it was ever anything to be impressed by. Stacy used to laugh about it with her mother, and damn does that lady ever hate you. You were never worthy of her daughter, and she would give up her own grandchildren if she could make it so you never existed. Stacy can try again with a better man, and the memory of you would no longer be a stain on the family. Why don’t you just get it over with and everyone can get back to their lives? Kill yourself and maybe this time you could try getting it right, instead of failing so hilariously. What kind of fucking moron can’t even shoot themselves in the head correctly, Chase? Who the fuck can’t get that right? You were probably too chickenshit to go through with it weren’t you? You were so selfish that you’d rather live this fucking pathetic life than give Stacy or your kids the freedom to move on. Even now, when this detoxing could kill you, you’re accepting the medication and pretending like you’re contributing at all when honestly you’re the biggest speedbump.

          Everybody is just standing around waiting on you, Chase, so what the fuck are you gonna do? Do it, Chase. Go out like a fucking man. Take that goddamn tie that Henrik left and kill yourself. You can loop it on the end of the bed, sit down on the floor and just let go. You aren’t hooked up to any monitors. Nobody is gonna come check until 3 am when they come to look in on Jack. Fuck, they might not even notice you, just step over your fucking stupid legs and go on about their day. That would suit you, just fading into the background like one of those fake skeletons at a haunted house. You’re a prop in your own life you worthless, pathetic, selfish-

          Chase screamed and jumped to his feet, his knees shaking but keeping him upright. He ran his hands through his hair, tears streaming down his face as the voice shouted again and again for him to kill himself. He looked at Jack, whimpering at the thought of leaving the others, but they were better off without him. He’d attacked Henrik, sniped at Marvin, fought Jackie and refused to get help until it almost killed him. Now Jack was lying in this bed under Henrik’s control, and Chase couldn’t even stop that. There was an absolute lack of ability to do anything inside of Chase. He picked up the silk tie, running it through his fingers. It was expensive, so it would probably do a good enough job. He’d learned about knots from his father when they’d gone out on a boat. He’d retained enough to teach his own son, although he’d never gotten old enough before Stacy had taken both the kids and gone. Maybe teaching the knots wasn’t such a good idea after all. Did depression run in his family? It was hard to tell.

          Chase paced the room again, rubbing the silk against his face. It felt good, and it reminded him of the green dress Stacy wore on the day he proposed. It had been so gorgeous. He’d been planning it for weeks, and then he had almost lost the ring. He’d always been a fuck up, but Stacy had found it endearing once. He could still see the look in her eyes that he had once mistaken for love. It was pity, or longsuffering, or outright annoyance. He knew that now, the way she’d looked at him then when he asked. She had been waiting for someone else to come along, and Chase had been her backup plan. So she’d said yes. Neither of their kids had been intentional, and she had cried both times she found out she was pregnant, but Chase had been so proud, so excited. He loved his kids so much, even though sometimes he wasn’t at home to play with them, or take care of them, but if Stacy had an emergency, he’d always come home. Just like the chickenpox.

          How long are you going to keep falling back on that fucking chickenpox story? Being a decent dad to one of your kids once doesn’t make you father of the year.

          Chase heard that in Stacy’s voice, because it had been her that said it, when he missed his daughter’s birthday party. He hadn’t meant to, but things get in the way, and time is tenuous and sometimes his phone wouldn’t remind him of things. Chase laughed bitterly at his excuses, and how even now at his lowest point he was still trying to pass the blame.

          Fucking typical, Chase. You always do this! Do you know how humiliating it was explaining to my mother why my husband wasn’t at his daughter’s birthday party? Do you know the way our friends looked at me?

               “I’m sorry, Stace,” Chase said. “I really didn’t mean to miss it. I just got caught up.”

               Caught up, right, your real passion, right? The thing that really matters to you? Well maybe Bro Average can comfort you when your daughter asks why you don’t love her, because that’s what she asked me! And I almost couldn’t convince her that you do. I almost couldn’t convince myself. It gets a lot harder every time you do this.

               “No, Stacy I love all of you! You’re my world! Don’t say things like that. I’m just… I’m just forgetful, ok? I’ll make it up to her.”

               How Chase?

               “With this,” Chase murmured, looking at the tie again, “I’m sorry, baby. You know Daddy loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. He just forgets. But he’s gonna make it up to you now, baby.”

               He walked over to his hospital bed, hands steady as he secured the silk to the bed rail; he took the bed remote and sat on the floor.

               Don’t worry, Chase; how many brides can say their husband knew how to tie a tie on their wedding day, anyway? It’s kind of romantic, but keep your eyes closed! You can’t see me in my dress!

               Chase closed his eyes, and he could smell Stacy’s perfume when she leaned in, fixing the tie around his neck. She kissed him, and he smiled, pressing down on the bed lift button.

               I love you.

[themadameditor]

This summer is a special one for me, because last summer I was in hospital for most of it and spent the rest of it on steroids and a host of there medications, swollen like a blowfish, and getting better. I am still in the course of treatment, but a long way away from where I was last year, feeling much, much, MUCH better, and planning to live every freaking moment of the summer and beyond. I am not a huge fan of the summer, the heat on my skin, the humidity; Britain has the most humid summers… but I vividly remember myself last year hoping and praying that if I make it out I would live that cliche of living my best life. And I’m trying y’all, I really am.

This summer has been glorious, actual sunshine and heat, hotter than an Indian summer if you’ll believe that and come the first of August we are counting down the days to Autumn zooming right past it to the thick of winter. By the end of August we are talking back to school and back to real life for parents and children and the grind of things. But we have now before then, so let’s plan to live the hell out of the summer and make some good memories that can keep us going till the next summer. As I type this, it is pouring down with rain outside my window, bang in the middle of this blazing summer we have torrential rain and thunder storms but I am not mad at the in the least, we need the rain, farmers need it for the soil to keep feeding us good food in season, we need the rain to clean all the humidity and gunk from the pollution the earth is suffering.

This list is a guideline, if you do one thing on it fabulous. Ten? Grand. All? Fantastic. the aim is to live your best life, (said in my best Oprah voice). So let’s get right on into it shall we?

1. Sleep In: August is heaven for everyone, everywhere, no school in session, family holidays, blissful commute into work because trains are not crowded…it is the perfect month to sleep in and catch up on the hours lost to sleeplessness, work and all nighters. Sleep in and get your energy right on balance, and catch up with your body and reacquaint yourself with her natural rhythm.

2. Let your body wake up naturally: see number 1. Get rid of your alarm clock and let your body wake up to the sound of birds and the rise of the sun. Even if it means going in late for work or missing our on the morning calls. Better still no calls until noon until the summer is over.

3. Read two books: something old and something new. For something old, if you have never read it, read Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins. For something new read an Italian Holiday; a book about four women getting away from the ish of their lives in London and holidaying in Italy. Bonus points; read my book. 😉

4. Have a Day-cation: binge watch some shows on Netflix and Amazon. A couple on Netflix: Luke Cage, Drug Lords, Chef, North & South; okay, more than a couple. Amazon: The Bold Type- I really like this show, it is set around three women working the fashion industry, publishing specifically, and yes the three girls can be annoying and atypical at times but it is a far cry from the Devil Wears Prada, which shows of this ilk tend to slant towards. My favourite character is the Editor In Chief. She’s cool and the type of person I would like to believe exists in the industry. Another show and one of Amazon’s best creation is Bosch- this is my absolute favourite show on Amazon, detective Hieronymous “Harry” Bosch, central character in the dark crime drama set in Los Angeles. Binge watch all four seasons in one day and thank me later.

5. Go to a music concert: I’ll admit I am not a huge fan of concerts, crowds make me anxious and the moment gets lost in the melee. Give me a couch and a big screen TV and I’m good, but its the summer and we are living it up so we are taking our fly selves to a concert, in the Park, or at the Albert Hall or maybe something more low key and free; the ever faithful underground busker… whatever floats your boat just go.

6. Plan a night in Paris: be impetuous, call your girlfriends or go SOLO for a night in Paris if you’re close enough.

7. Do something fun in Paris: a fancy meal at L’Orangerie @ George V perhaps, or afternoon tea @ Le Bristol. Go to a museum, forget the Louvre, D’Orsay is my favourite museum in all of Paris. Be a cliché and have expensive hot chocolate at Cafe de Flore. Walk around and marvel at the astounding beauty that is Jardin du Luxembourg; my favourite place to be in Paris.

8. Return from Paris: with pastries from Pierre Here and spend the evening drinking champagne before bed.

9. See a play in the west end: Its a shame that Baba Segi’s wives is not in theatres anymore, but there is always something on so scroll through timeout or art reviews, pick a small theatre, they normally have good plays and go see it, for the culture and for support. Or if you can get tickets, you should go see Hamilton. It is quite simply the greatest show on earth.

10. Go Clubbing: re-live your youth and party in heels that hurt, a dress that is too short, full face of makeup. Flirt with handsome men, exchange numbers for the night. Jump on the night bus home and stop by the kebab shop before you make it home at six in the morning.

11. Babysit your nieces, nephews and god-children: preferably not right after your wild night out in the club.

12. Throw a fabulous dinner party: for friends and catch up on the good times you had.

13. Get lost in London: it’s a beautiful city to get lost in and no matter how many times you roam it, every corner is a surprise.

14. Picnic in the Park: Hyde Park is so beautiful, so vast, so lovely all year round but nothing beats it in the summer. Grab a picnic basket, bottle of chilled champagne, meats and cheeses, fat strawberries and cream, salads and go chill in the park with your bestest

15. Call an old friend: we all have that one friend we have lost touch with, call them up, check in with an old relative, see how they are doing, and say a prayer for the world.

16. Clean your skirting boards: as a matter of fact, clean the whole house, organise your closet and take excess to charity or give them out to family or friends who want them. Live light and let light in.

17. Organise your christmas holiday plans: have a white Christmas or escape somewhere tropical. Do something fun and unusual this time.

18. Get your low maintenance beauty routine on point: the summer is no time to bother with too much make-up because the humidity will not let you be beautiful and great so fine-tune your best make up, no make up look that won’t be a victim of the humidity. Paint your nails, scrub your feet and moisturise them. I love this foot cream, from Burt’s Bees, 100% moisture all day. Don’t be ashy this summer.

19. Plan your wardrobe ahead: make this the summer you wear the prettiest dresses. If you can, and I know you can, plan all the dresses for the 31 days in August.

20. Spend some time being alone: check yourself into a hotel or stay indoors, order room service, go dine out alone or cook yourself a home-cooked meal… do something for you and all about you, get to know yourself better and enjoy being in your company.

21. Spend time with family: I have an awesome family and we are all scattered around the world but in each other’s lives through phone, texts etc. When you can, drop by your parents’, call your brother, sisters, aunts, uncles… get the barbecue going and enjoy being in the company of loved ones.

22. Go to a quiz night at your local… I know, I know but try it its so much fun

23. Spend a Monday by the sea: away from work and the hustle of every day life

24. Write a short story: it can be about anything you want at all, just carve out sometime and put words down to paper.

25. Take a leap of faith: If its a bad decision, learn from it and move on. Enjoy the rewards of a good decision, pay it forward pass on the good feeling

26. Take a day trip outside of London: a summer’s day punting on River Cam, taking a literary tour of Oxford, or walking the bucolic lanes of the Cotswolds… do something that takes you out of the big smoke.

27. Take a digital detox: nowadays, a lot of things on social media make me so damn mad and I find myself engaging with crazy people but I have cut back on my time online and it has done me a world of good. Social media is both good and dangerous for you, find sometime to be ignorant of the shit that can sometimes go down on there.

28. Go to bed late, wake up later.

29. Eat dessert as a whole meal.

30. Fall in love with your life all over again: Be intentional about this and make sure you love your life. We are all going through things, the world is a shitty place to be sometimes these days but here is the thing; you only have you at night when you look yourself in the mirror. Be intentional with loving yourself. Please.

31. Take it all in: Take care of yourself. Check your breasts, drink lots of water, eat well, eat in season, moisturise at night, exercise however you can, limit your meat consumption, use sunscreen, my sister, use sunscreen.

To the summer of our lives.

31 Days of Summer This summer is a special one for me, because last summer I was in hospital for most of it and spent the rest of it on steroids and a host of there medications, swollen like a blowfish, and getting better.