#I’d rather they all be roommates in the same prison instead of being actually dead

[miyamiwu]

Be gay, do crime—but not under Chinese censorship please, I want you all alive 😭

[doflamingadonquixote]

I Won’t Say Anything - Pt. 3/3

Warnings: TROS SPOILER, some dead stormtrooper, Soulmate AU Summary: You are a member of the Resistance. You’re captured by the First Order while you are waiting for information from the spy. Pairing: Armitage Hux x Female!Reader Words: 3661

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Part 3 of 3

Chewie, after the guards escorted you inside the room, began to have a standstill period where he no longer responded with physical actions. Which scared you a lot.

Your words failed because they didn't seem to reach him at all. Maybe they sat him down or kept him calm with something you didn't know about. The only sounds he made was dry complaints wondering where his companions were.

You wanted to encourage him to react, to fight but within that room there were few things he could be able to do. Turning to each other also put a strain on the resistance of the arms pulled back from the prison.

And Chewbacca's silence didn’t improve the hodgepodge of thoughts that had invaded your mind about the bond you shared with General Hux. You would never have accepted that fact.

You would have fought fate and the Force itself if it had been necessary to break that bond.

However, Armitage Hux wasn’t of the same opinion. In those couple of days that had separated you from the dispute in the bathroom, he had personally checked your vital data, replacing the medical droid and constantly asked if you had problems of any kind or if you were simply feeling well.

But your answer was always the same: "I'd better stay away from you and out of here."

He nodded and left, adding nothing. No offense, no attack. Passively, he accepted the poison you spat against him.

He entered the door like every day. Or rather, almost like every day.

He was breathing heavily and seemed to have sneaked into the room as if he hadn't been there.

You were so tired of even looking at him that you only noticed his presence when he knelt in front of you. Too close as security allowed him.

You looked up with a confused frown but found the man with red eyes from fatigue and a finger pressed to his lips, in a clear sign of not raising your voice.

"You have to follow me in silence."

You opened your mouth like a fish out of water, as if its words were empty and meaningless.

"What?"

"There is no time now. I will release you, can you assure me that you will not jump on my neck? "He continued, with an insanely calm air.

You couldn't understand why he was doing what he was doing but you still couldn't completely trust him. After all, who could ever do it at that point and after more than a month of torture?

"As much as I would like, if I haven't done it before, you have nothing to fear now." And it was true. You weren't sure you'd be able to catch him unprepared again.

Hux let out a crooked grin as he moved behind you.

"Can't you turn it off with the holopad there?" You asked when he started tinkering with something against the metal of the handcuffs.

"It's a silly question. Every data is recorded. If the First Order finds an online process and not a forcing on the device, they will think without a doubt that it was a member who evaded you. ”Saying that, the handcuffs snapped with a loud noise and you almost fell to the ground if the General hadn’t grabbed you by the waist, pulling you with your back against his figure.

You felt weak and soft like jelly the arms and legs and wondered how such a thing was possible. Days before, when they had escorted you down the long corridor, you didn't feel all that weight and fatigue on you.

"Why am I so weak?" You whispered, while Hux pulled you to your feet supporting your weight with the same arm on your side and your anchored on his shoulders.

Feeling uncomfortable, you used all your willpower to get away from him and leaned against the holopad that controlled the machine to which your roommate was connected.

"I can walk." You were breathing heavily from the effort, but not so stunned that you couldn't stand up.

Armitage Hux shook his head and held out a black-gloved hand towards you.

"We don't have time for your stubbornness." He murmured annoyed when you didn't take it. He started to grab you by the arm and drag you towards the door but, you slapped him away.

Remembering Chewie, you turned to the Wookiee who seemed to have noticed nothing. His fur head was bent forward, looking at the ground.

"You must free him too." You said, turning to the general who looked out of the way as if it were locked in by stormtroopers at any moment.

“He is unable to move right now. I don’t know how long can the senses regain." And he turned back to you, not afraid of being chased away again as he grabbed you by the arm and led you away from the machine. “And I don't know when they will notice the failure that I organized with the cameras. It may already be late.”

As you took one last look at the sleeping Wookiee, the door opened and let you out.

The General seemed totally focused on dragging you left and right, as if he had drawn a map of the areas to avoid.

But the further you left the cell you were locked in, the more you started feeling guilty for abandoning a hero of the resistance, a friend and ally to his fate.

Before you could turn the corner, you pulled your arm away from where the young man was taking you and you supported his hard, bored gaze.

“If the guards realize that I have escaped, the defense members at the room will increase. I can’t do that." You bit your lip, convinced of your decision. "I have to go back."

Hux started to retaliate for your gesture but the steps of a squadron of Stormtroopers that began to approach you made him desist and with a unique lucidity, he opened with a quick code a room that you had nearby.

He pushed you inside and close the door.

As you hit with your back against the wall, you noticed that was a warehouse for tools. It must have been about ten square meters, which allowed both you and Hux to have breathing possibilities, but you were still too close.

If you had reached out a hand, you would have been able to touch the back that was now turning to you because he was listening to the footsteps of the guards walking away.

"Are they gone?" you asked as you watched him step away from the door.

"What's wrong with your mind?"

When he turned he was red with anger. He had his teeth and jaw tightened to resist the urge to scream at you, against the calm green eyes that he had a few minutes earlier.

"I am perfectly aware that my life has no value for you but I had invested in the fact that you was intelligent enough to have a minimum of self-preservation."

It seemed he wanted to hit something close to his person with all of himself but surely he thought that the guards would hear. Then he waved a fist in the air making you almost laugh at the funny way he stayed.

And actually, you couldn't hold back.

"I'm glad at least one of us is having fun!" He hissed when he heard you chuckle.

You looked at him. He was clearly a tired man. He had deep grooves under his eyes, his cheeks were sunken more than usual and his shoulders were curved when instead he had always been composed and rigid as one of those stormtroopers.

You swallow, aware that you have made a terrible decision for both of you.

“I'm sorry for ruining your plan, Hux. But I can't leave Chewie behind."

“We are above Kijimi. It’s not certain that such an opportunity will happen again." He retorted.

"I realize". You pointed to the door behind him with your index finger, shrugging. "Maybe we are still in time to go back."

At those words, the general's gaze seemed to take on a strange darkness. "I can't go back anymore."

You didn’t understand why but you had the distinct feeling that he wasn’t referring only to the escape he had devised for you. From what you had managed to record about him when you touched him, he had faced many. The First Order was his home and his life and at that moment he had been seen destroyed by Kylo Ren, General Pryde, Palpatine and the new Final Order. And so he had chosen a part, a part that could have won and destroyed everyone and everything, even himself.

He certainly would not have lived with the weight of betraying the only thing he really cared about.

"You can." You grabbed his hand that had clenched in a tight fist and thanked that it was covered in gloves. You would not have tolerated that the feeling of being connected had overwhelmed your real and impartial emotions. "Life always offers us a second chance to do good."

Hux observed how your small hands clasped his and even if he wanted to return the grip by pure instinct he didn’t allow it. He felt that you would most likely be leaving immediately.

"And what would life give me in return?"

You were shocked by the question full of opportunism but you continued to maintain that touch that seemed to have brought him down to you.

"Having a clear conscience and knowing that you have saved people who fighting for peace, isn't that enough?" But it was a stupid question to ask a First Order general and before he could answer you, you added jokingly: "Or it would fool you, assigning you a member of the resistance as a soulmate.”

At that, he managed to smile a little and you thought that seeing such a stoic man smile like that was the most beautiful thing in the world. You would have expected a grin or a cruel joke but never a smile full of warmth and fun.

"Life has a strange way of showing gratitude." He added, finally looking you in the eye.

"I should say that!" You snorted, rolling your eyes in their sockets. You, who had always done good, didn’t deserve to be connected to a man like Armitage Hux. Right?

Yet the only thing you thought of, as it closed the distance that kept you apart, was how you would have felt having your lips on his. What would you have seen? What would you have felt?

But when Hux came to brush your chest with his, he didn't do anything else. One of his hands was still between yours and the other was attached to his side as if had tied it there. His eyes no longer looked at you but fixed an unspecified point behind your head.

You wanted to know what was going on in the head of that ruthless and heartless general who had just freed you and had risked his life just to save yours.

You broke the bond that connected your hands only to be able to lay them on the lapels of his coat, just squeezing them.

That gesture forced him to look at you and you found indecision in his eyes.

How many chances did they get, out of that technical closet? How many other possibilities did they have of staying together? Virtually zero, so what did it matter in the end?

You raised your right hand, letting it slide over the suit material until you reached the base of the neck. You let your fingertips hang a few millimeters from light skin and then, as if his eyes and his body were giving you permission, you rested your whole hand on his smooth and strangely warm cheek.

You would have expected fireworks, after all what had swallowed you when you touched or touched it, and instead there was only a pleasant feeling of calm. As if the world outside had suddenly ceased to exist and the only salvation lay in staying in contact in that uncomfortable closet.

Hux closed his eyes as soon as he felt your hand open and caress it with a full palm and something in the lower part of your stomach twisted on itself.

It was not possible that you were thinking it was a nice thing. With those stupid but beautiful never messed red hair and those long, clear tight eyelashes of the same color.

"I hate you." You whispered a few centimeters from his lips, while you were helping yourself to hoist yourself towards him by applying force on the coat.

"It is clear." He murmured, with a sly grin, as he opened his water-green eyes straight into yours.

And finally, on tiptoe, you joined him halfway, kissing him gently. And he did the same, as if you were made of crystal and you broke under his assault if he had been more aggressive.

For you, kissing him was like drinking fresh water for the first time after months in a desert (or in that case, fed by a machine). You seemed to depend solely on that contact to be able to stay alive. Water and oxygen, his presence had become a necessity.

Armitage, for its part, had forced itself not to act. He seriously feared that if he had only dared to touch a hair you would have pulled back and run away from him. He let himself be kissed by you and moaned when the hand that lay on his cheek reached the base of his red hair on the back of his neck.

But before he could decide to place his hands, a loud blaster blast sounded outside the closet, followed immediately after by unmistakable thuds of bodies.

You turned abruptly towards the door and, passing Hux's side, put an ear on it. Trying to listen to any movement.

"You heard it too, didn't you?" You asked, forgetting what you had just interrupted. "Maybe we have to get out." And you keyed in the code you had seen him do minutes before coming in of the closet.

What struck you first was the smoke, the second thing was that the track was littered with bodies of stormtroopers and when you turned to see the general also come out of your hiding place, you held your breath in your throat.

"I have to go!"

"Wait!"

But before he could catch you, the adrenaline rushed you down the hall. You didn't bother to see if Hux was following you, you followed the number of bodies to your cell and upon entering you saw what you never expected.

"Commander Dameron!"

The man, taken aback while he thought about freeing Chewbacca from the handcuffs, raised his arm with the blaster and almost risked shooting you straight in the head.

"Y / N? What are you doing here? ”Asked the member of the resistance, stunned.

"I was locked up here!" You shouted, excited to see friendly faces again. "That is, until a few minutes ago ... now-"

"I block you in time, Y / N," helped a decidedly more awake Chewie than before standing with the help of Finn, whom you had just noticed, and approached you. "It will definitely be a story I want to hear, but when we are out of this place."

They left the room and with the blaster rifles on their shoulders you headed towards what you thought was the exit. You looked over your shoulder several times, wondering where Hux had ended up but every time you crossed a corridor you had to open fire on the guards and the thought went into second place.

But life, even at that juncture, played a bad joke on it.

After Poe was hit in the shoulder by a vacant blow from a stormtrooper, you were soon surrounded by a mass of them.

The handcuffs you had learned to love so much surrounded your wrists again. Yours and those of your saviors and you were escorted right in front of General Alleante Pryde and a troubled General Hux.

"Take them away, finish them." He ordered before going on to other jobs.

In addition to the four of you, the blasters aimed at the back were three stormtroopers and a General Hux with his hands firmly anchored behind his back to close the group.

You went through a couple of corridors until you found a dark area with puffs of smoke coming out of the ground and walls. Was this where their prisoners and transgressors ended?

You turned to be able to observe Hux but a guard threatened you with a rifle in front of your face, forcing you to come back with your face in front of you.

"Stop."

You had to trust General Hux, right? He had just risked his life to save you, right?

"Actually, I'd like to do it personally."

Goosebumps came to hear that sadistic and raw voice. You resisted the urge to drop tears of disappointment and anguish, you wouldn’t have given him the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

"What were you going to tell Rey before?"

You frowned at Poe's question.

"Still on that?" Finn replied.

How could they take that discussion at that moment? You were dismayed.

"Oh, i’m sorry. Is this a bad time?"

"It sort of it. "Finn growled, after Chewie agreed with the man, complaining that it was not the time for a fight.

"Later it won't be possible, so if you have to take a burden I would say that this is the moment-"

But before everyone got into a meaningless fight, three blows made your complaints block your throat.

You had instantly closed your eyes, as if waiting for the pain and then finally the end of everything, but this never came. Incredulous, you lowered your eyes to your chest, finding it intact, healthy and above all with no blaster hit in the middle.

You turned to your tormentors, followed immediately by your companions and with a satisfied and imperious demeanor, Hux supported the still smoking rifle. Near his feet, the three soldiers lying in strange corners.

"I'm the spy."

"What?" Dameron shouted, completely taken aback.

"You?" Finn followed.

You couldn’t come up with a word. Your mouth was wide open and your hands were handcuffed in front of you, dangling.

"We don’t have much time." The general decreed, fumbling with the pockets of the stormtroopers dead on the ground. He pulled out the keys and approached you, starting to take off the handcuffs.

"I knew it!" The wing captain pointed exalted.

"No, you didn’t!" His friend snorted.

When Armitage managed to get rid of your bonds, it was as if you had woken up from a nightmare and hit him hard against the chest.

"You made me have a heart attack." You took the keys from his hands and went to help your companions.

Once they reached the bridge where they kept the Millennium Falcon, Hux ran to unlock the security doors.

"You have a few seconds."

"It’s a survivor." Poe rejoiced as he crossed the exit.

Before Finn could do it, Hux called him back.

"Blast me in the arm, quick." He ordered him, albeit hesitantly, feeling her shoulder.

While watching BB-8, accompanied by Chewie and C-3PO, following your commander you got stuck at that request.

"Or they will know." He explained.

Finn pointed the gun but at the last moment he changed his destination and the blaster laser hit the general in the leg, causing him to collapse on the ground.

"Why are you helping us?"

"I don't care if you win. I need Kylo Ren to lose."

Finn didn’t seem interested in investigating, he simply turned to you, who were staring at the general's injured leg. "Y / N, come on."

When the ex stormtrooper came out, you walked alongside the man who groaned in pain to seek a less degrading position. And you looked at him for the second time from above.

“Y / N, then. I finally know your name."

You jumped at the soft, sarcastic tone with which he pronounced your name. "Well, you never asked me." You agreed, not knowing what to do while the man clutched his bleeding leg.

“You aren’t forced to stay. This is no longer your First Order. It's something much worse." You went on, holding out a hand to your soulmate. Because that was about it, you should have lived with it sooner or later.

“I am no longer your ally. I was only for a reason.” He said, as he struggled to sit up and grab your outstretched hand, pulling it towards him and making you almost lean forward. “Besides, life as a prisoner of war is not for me. I don't think there will be a General position ready for me. "

And after saying that, he bent over your hand, kissing its back as if he were caressing you with a delicate flower. He had made his decision and you were too busy with a strong feeling of uneasiness to blush at his spontaneous gesture.

The Falcon's engines rang throughout the room where it was kept, giving you a silent ultimatum.

"It's time for you to go." And he let go of your hand.

You watched him turn towards the end of the corridor, where numerous guards seemed to have been warned. You ran to the door but Armitage's call of waiting stopped you once again.

"Ah, Y / N," he moaned, smiling in your direction. "We keep in the dark that a First Order general has tied himself to a rebel, okay? Let's not let them think I've softened."

And, aware of the fact that whatever the outcome of the war you would never see again, you laughed heartily, surprising him.

“Quiet, Armitage. I won't say anything."

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Well, guys. We have finally come to an end. I had the chapter ready but I just had to translate it. I decided to leave the ending with its own interpretation because my head and my heart compete for two different situations. A Hux redeemed in the Resistance and a Hux who dies as a semi-hero, paying for his crimes. Thanks everyone for the comments and likes. I hope I can write something else later. Maybe a longer fanfic.

Tags: @miniaturesaladfun​ , @angelmarie823​ , @nvoux​

[velvetv0nblack]

An open letter;

(Possible trigger warning)

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, maybe because this theme of abuse has be something I’ve been experiencing as a third party, the person removing the victim this time, you know the role many of my friends filled within our tumultuous relationship... maybe it’s because my friends abuser is now threatening and harassing me for helpingher leave... maybe it’s because I’ve finally found my therapeutic dosage of lithium, am in a clear mind and are therefore able to reflect properly for the first time in my life... or maybe it’s because this is not an apology, I mean maybe it is if you had only been a serial cheat, but the truth is you fractured my skull and cut me open with a knife, so this is not a fucking apology. Also I’d rather rip my own eyes out of my skull, smash them with a hammer, and then inject the liquid into my ass than actually engage you in any kind of conversation, so knowing that this is the one platform you can still check for me on, I’m going to post this here... Its about time I had my say without putting myself in physical danger.

You would think I wouldn’t have an essay to correct your 3 lines of a nothing apology, but here we are I guess.

This kind of self deprecating “I wasn’t good enough for you” narrative is truly infuriating, and not because you were actually good enough for me but because of the very reasons you proved yourself not be “not good enough”. You weren’t undeserving of me because you didn’t work, I am physically incapable of doing so myself and I didn’t fall in love with you because you came across mad motivated. You weren’t undeserving of me because you took drugs, drank like a fish or smoked like a chimney, we were both purposefully killing our selves in the same way. You weren’t undeserving of me at all, until you fucked my best friend in the bathroom and collectively gaslit me into wondering if I was imagining the whole thing, and slowly but systematically broke down my confidence and support network away from me. I want this to be very clear; the reason you do not deserve me or any other decent human being is because, you are an abuser, you abuse people.

I was barely a whole person when I met you. I was barely an adult. I had lived through so much already, and had been abused in every area of my existence. I was easy pickings to you. The issue was you were not a pawn to me, a player in any game, or any of that. To me you were this fascinating, beautiful soul, to me you were someone who needed my love who needed someone to support you and I couldn’t believe that you chose me to fill that role. I was freshly 18 that month, and I had just had a flat mate steal £3k and kill my kitten.

I weighed all of 63lbs that night you lost the plot on me because I didn’t want to go to Big Red to watch that actual cunt of a waitress smile at me as she gave you lap dances, it’s not even a dance joint it was a fucking bar. You allowed other people to emotionally abuse me with you for months up until this point and I just didn’t want to go, all I wanted was the keys and I would of gone home alone and gone to bed. Why you feel the need to publicly humiliate me again instead of just leaving it? You couldn’t just go be adulterous without me watching and hurting, so you followed me home, screaming at me the whole time. You told me I was pathetic, you hated me, I should just kill myself- on a bus on a Saturday night, from the bar I worked in, in soho, back to our place near Caledonian Road. I was so unstable anyway, undiagnosed autism, misdiagnosed mental health issues, on the wrong if any medication, deep within the throws of an addiction and eating disorder... you. I couldn’t take you verbally ripping my heart out anymore when I decided that throwing myself from our 3rd story window would hurt less. The fact I could of died isn’t what made you grab me and stop me jumping, no in fact you told me you don’t care if I kill my self as long as it’s not in the flat, you were much more concerned with the amount of drugs in the flat and the prison opposite our window. At that point you threw me full pelt across the other side of the room, all 63lbs of me flew through the air like a paper aeroplane and smashed directly into your guitar. You know your beloved custom Les Paul? The headstock came off, and at that very moment despite the fact you were the one who threw me, my life was the one in danger. You started strangling me and threatening to have men come down to London to gang rape my then 14 year old sister. It gets a little fuzzy, that’s what your brain does when you experience potentially life ending trauma. I do know I ended up with stitches in my lips and hands, that you fractured my right eye socket- that I still suffer issues with to this day- and had black bruising covering my entire body like a bus had hit me.

For a couple of years there my brain completely blocked out important details of that night, and a lot of our relationship. Don’t worry though periodically I have the real type of flashback where I relive these events and I come back to reality remembering more than I ever wanted to. I’m yet to even touch on the fact that whilst I may of been able to escape you in waking life, my dreams are perpetually stuck in this horrific PTSD dream land, a town that is a mash up of all the places I’ve been traumatised in my life, the place you eternally reside inside my head to traumatise me whilst I desperately need to rest. You haven’t really left my life despite the efforts I have made to avoid you (I think I’ve seen you once, from a distance once at Download 2 years ago, my heart fell out my ass, and I dragged Camilla in another direction) I have only 2 dreams in 6 years that haven’t included you chasing me down to finish what you started and kill me or keep me captive. But that’s what trauma does, and oh how you traumatised me.

I really loved you though, that’s why I stayed, and those couple times I tried to leave before I came back. I loved you so unconditionally that it took me realising that everyone else around us was so complicit that they’d help you hide by body. To this very day I cannot believe a man, a male roommate, walked in on you pinning me into a sofa by my neck, with both your planted knees on top of my chest, full weight suffocating me, biting the end of my nose until it was blackened and he had the audacity me I needed to calm down. I have to label the guy the world biggest pussy in my head so I don’t get wound up about it.

I wasn’t perfect, I can never be perfect, I have more imperfections than most. I am severely mentally and physically unwell- I sure as hell am a pain in the ass to love- however I cannot actually think of a damn thing I did to deserve constant unending emotional abuse, threatens and follow through of physical abuse and then after I left stalking and harassment. I am difficult but I am not deserving of abuse and that’s all you gave me in the end... unless of course you “needed your baby girl to suck your dick” - that was the only time you were ever nice to me, and I know because I recently read back a bunch of our texts and you flipped between “I hate you, I’m gonna kill you/kill your self” to “I need my beautiful girl to come and suck my dick I love you so much” is actually fucking insane. - Should I bring up the fact you would bang pathetic girls on the scene and then dicknotise them into stalking and harassing me with you? Because... what I had the audacity to leave a man, of over 6ft tall, who would become violent to my 5ft 63lbs self?

So yeah, you didn’t deserve me, but not because of any self deprecating attention seeking reason but because you’re a sociopath, who seems to take pleasure in fucking with vulnerable women.

Am I happy? Now that’s a fucking difficult one to answer.

I ended up homeless on and off for a year. Despite the homelessness I had suffered before this was worse because of the place I was in mentally.

You caused me to develop complex PTSD.

You caused me to have a 3 year long psychotic break.

You caused me to live in secure supported housing, where I was prayed upon by other residents.

You caused me to fall victim to abuse within the system

Not sure if you know this but our mental health services sucks ass, after leaving you I had a delightful therapist that would text me telling to kill my self and would tell me you were right to abuse me.

But I got one thing from our relationship, I fine tuned my “four Fs” ...I no longer freeze or fight in the face of difficulty... I developed an ability to fawn.

Dead ends are no longer in my eyeline, I will metaphorically straight on walk through someone else’s house to get where I need to be, I will jump the fence, break the locks and out run any guard dog. I may fall down but I’m never out.

When I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses and essentially lived in hospital for 3 years, even when I thought to end my life it was weighed out by the thought of “how do I get to a place we’re I can do even 5% of what I want? What do I have to change, manifest?”.

You see if you could only temporarily break me but not stop me then why the hell would I let my own mind and body do that? That ability to fawn came with an ability to find a middle path, to be diplomatic. That ability to fawn gave me the patience to understand medical text and use that to access the right care. ~ I am actually thinking of starting a medical degree just to prove I can ~ I am now 98lbs and healthy for my size and stature, I now have a home with a housing association who like me so much they have me a lifetime partner agreement, meaning I will never be homeless again. I have been clean 7 whole goddamn years and 2 months. I have the most beautiful empathic cat, 2 foster dogs and an incredibly patient partner, who has known me before you had ever entered my life. I am as healthy as someone in my position can be, I still struggle with the anorexic thoughts but I eat everyday of the fucking week now.

I am not “happy” as happy is an emotion and emotions are fleeting but I am content in living for the simple life I have fought ever so hard for. I am strong, and determined and constantly fucking working on making more for myself. I’m proud of myself.

All I have to say is get therapy. If you’re really sorry work on yourself enough to be able to apologise properly before you fuck my day up by rising your head again for this weakness. I can’t say I don’t have morbid curiosity, because that’s me all over, however I’m much more determined to keep all that I have work for mentally, emotionally, and physically safe. For that reason I would never in my right medicated mind talk it out with you, email you back or seek you out. I’m sorry, it is what it is.

You can not damage someone irreparably both mentally and physically and think “I’m sorry for being a cunt” even close to cuts it. You are mentally unbalanced, in a way not even I can relate to.